#i just want to sob i cant cope with shit like this anymore

[wiihtigo]

i sent an ask sayinh "NELL DIED????" but then tumblr gavev me a scary error message so maybe it ate it... sorry if it didnt but NELL DIED?

SOB...YES.....I DIDNT WANT IT TO HAPPEN..!!! i encourage you to go knock down the door of @megamind2010 for more in depth answers about nell lore if youre a ladybughead.

but the basic deal is that this happens...later...sometime later. in their lives. ladybug following the proud blue beetle line of being exploded in action (i drew smthn inspired by the despair i feel when i think about this ^_^)

this affects casey really badly. ARE YOU SURPRISED..? DID YOU THINK SHE WAS HEARTLESS? so did I. mm basically she goes like catatonic immediately after (even through the funeral which michelle has to guide her to like she could float away at any second)

michelle is a supportive presence for her during this because shes like jeez idk she might kill herself im worried. and shes ALSO fucked up about nell dying bcuz she was involved in the same event ladybug was killed in (goldstars very first crisis event we;re so proud of her) and you know. shes never experienced the classic superhero experience of one of your hero peers dying horribly tragically. so her looking after casey is probably also her way of coping, like a way of keeping her hands busy because shes realizing hero work is actually kind of scary

shes only broken out of her 0__0 state by ..um. BOOSTER GOLD COMING OVER BECAUSE HE WAS LIKE MAN..SHOULD I SAY SOMETHING? (hes genuinely a little worried) (BUT NO DONT)

ive posted these before without context but this was the context LOL

seeing booster breaks the dam in her heart and all her feelings coming flooding out in form of crazy migraine inducing rage (im getting deja vu) and she throws shit at him screaming at him to GTFO and hes like crawling away with a broken nose OK good talk and ted and michelle are like WHY TF DID YOU DO THAT?and after that casey goes into the worst state of depression shes ever experienced in her life...ive mentioned in an ask before i think that she doesnt really get sad? when bad things happen to her she just gets angry. she never cries genuine tears. so the state she gets into here is really scarily jarring because its so fucking WEEEIRDLY OUT OF CHARACTER. she spends all day crying and whenever michelle comes over now she feels sick looking at her and she cries and cries and cries and whines that she doesnt want to see her she wants nell and she stays holed up in their apartment until shes kicked out because no ones paying rent and shes moves cities without saying a word to anyone. she only realized after she died that she actually did love (EW. sorry) nell and now she doesnt even have any way of knowing if they couldve done anythng with that. she hates booster more than ever she hates ted she cant talk to michelle anymore she hates gotham she hates her life she hates everything, eventually she does get a job in the film industry as like a screenwriter/editor but she hates that its not exactly what she wanted that shes just barely almost there and she should be excited to be so close to her goals but shes not so shes just this grouchy miserable (but good at her job!) woman that no one wants to talk to and then she dies. the end.

(but look-- here they are reunited in hell..!)

wehwwww SORRY FOR JUST COVERING CASEYS SIDE OF THINGS AND NOT NELLS....i figure youd get more juicy details if you ask marty :)

[2snuffseb]

strangling you and punching you until you cant even be recognized and stabbing and stabbing and stabbing until theres not a single part of either of us not soaked in blood

i cant hear, screaming, crying, anything, im not even really there anymore, im just so mad at someone else and taking it out on you is my only way to cope

you're long dead but im not stopping, until i connect the dots that you're not who im mad at, im the monster who took it out on you when i wanted to hurt someone else

sobbing, breaking down because i dont have you anymore, cleaning up your bloody body, cuddling your corpse for hours and ranting about how awful [person i was really mad at] is, holding your hand and kissing your bruised and split lips

keeping you rotting away in my bed, using your decay, probably just getting more and more sick while [person] probably lives a normal life, but i get to spend all day with my perfect puddle of puppy

killing myself while raping your corpse because whats even the point of being alive if i cant even recognize your handsome but fucked up face anymore around all of your rot, if theres not even really a hole to use anymore, just slimy, vile-smelling meat? decaying on top of you to become one, melting into you. what could be a better apology for your wrongful death than giving myself to you one more time, in a way i cant take back, in a way that someone would find someday and i would be labeled as a depraved monster in the eyes of history

hehehgd this is really attractive!!! i’d like to be completely ruined, unrecognisable and fucked up!! slash me, beat me, cut me and stab the living shit out of me!! ignore any and all attempts from me to fight back and save myself!! all my survival instincts kicking in and being dismissed as if my life isn’t worth anything and then being cherished as if my corpse is worth everything!!!!!

[wickedwitchofthesouth]

Listen I know the whole "do you Journal Dean?" "Ever since I was a little girl" joke makes it look like Dean does not unfact journal BUT WHAT IF!!! what if he DOES journal because John journaled because let's be honest other than drinking and breaking things that's the only other (non-violent) way he knows how to cope.

Okay maybe he doesn't have a little diary where he writes all his deepest darkest little secrets but I like to think that maybe when he moved in with Lisa and Ben, he also started going to therapy? Obviously it was impossiblely hard to convince him and sure he only agreed to go once a month and to be honest, now that he looks back on it didn't really do shit but the one thing that seemed to help him the most was writing. He does not journal! but maybe he writes letters to everyone. Letters he'll never send, letters filled to the brim with words he'll never say

In the beginning most of his letters were addressed to Sammy, is baby brother, the only reason he even wanted to hunt. To protect his brother, to allow him to live in a world where nothing goes bump in the night.

And after Sammys first death, nothing was easy, but the letters helped. more than Ben and Lisa more than the few and far between calls he'd pick up from bobby. The letters were the only place where he didn't feel the need to pretend.

But after Sammy came back the letters stopped. Dean convinced himself that Sam was the only reason he felt this empty pit in his heart and once he came back he didn't need the letters anymore. Even if he wanted to write, where would he even get the time or privacy.

They'd stopped, but Dean still carried them around like stolen momentous that he constantly told himself he needed to get rid of (and conveniently forget to)

The second time the letters start is when he loses Cas to the leviathan. He's angry, he hates what Cas did to them... what he did to himself. 'Fuck this! fuck you and fuck every other prissy angel out there! I shouldve never trusted you i hate you. i hate you for leaving us more fucked over than the last 2 apocalypses, i hate you for leaving with your tail tucked between your legs. I hate you just for leaving at all, so come back so i can yell at you to your face, you coward! Just come back'

Every thought in his head that he can't bring himself to yell out loud, he tells the parchment with his pen as the vessel.

'Shit is getting fucking harder, we need you cas we cant do this without you' 'I can't do this without you"

When Cas comes back the letters stopped again. Dean finds a place to hide them so well that half the time he forgets they're even there

And thats just how the cycle goes, he writes when talking takes more energy than he has left to give. One for each person he's ever lost. 10 for Sam, 20 for Cas.

Sometimes he just writes when he's angry at someone. 20 for Sam, 30 for Cas

Sometimes he just writes for the sake of it, unspoken words he's too scared to confess out loud. 50 for Cas, 100 for Cas, all for Cas

When Dean dies, Sam finds the stash of letters stowed away in a dusty old shoebox on the roof of Dean's cupboard. He sees the letters addressed to him. Something in him is begging him not to read them, but his curiosity gets the better of him.

He should've listened to that something because for the rest of the day after that Sam finds himself reading through letter after letter that was written to him but never sent. He cries like a baby, the kind of sob that Dean would've made fun of him for when they were kids. Gosh what he'd give just to hear Dean give him a snarky remark now.

Sam doesn't read the letters addressed to other people, he doesn't have the heart too anymore. So the next day he makes it a mission to take the letters to everyone Dean has ever written too

Two letters left where they'd spread Charlie's Ashes, One at Kevin's, four for Dad, four for mom, one for crowley, three for Jack, and on it goes

Until the only things left are the unread letters addressed to Castiel. Even after taking out all the other ones it still feels like the box is over flowing, but cas is the only one left.

He leaves them in the flower feild where Dean had spread Cas' ashes. Sam knew that it wasn't where Cas was layed to rest, because truth be told Sam had no idea what had even happened to Cas. Dean refused to talk about it and Sam was too distraught by the awful expression on Dean's face every time Cas became a topic to bring it up over and over again.

So he let the letters go in a place where he thought Cas would appreciate. Wherever he was, Sam hoped that it would bring him peace - the thought that Dean would have wanted him to rest in a place as beautiful as the flower field over looking the mountains.

[im-gonna-squeet]

I still dont know who you are, I only know that I'm still lonely chap 2

Donnie has a bit of a late night breakdown, but all is well when they take care of their family, and theyre rewarded with twin cuddles (chap. 1) (chap. 3)

Donnie couldn't sleep.

They should be excited. But they just felt numb. It's not fair.

Just a few hours ago they were fine. They were so excited! Happy!

But now they can barely feel anything.

Whilst they struggled with identifying emotions, they still felt them, in fact they were a rather emotional person, so it was very noticable when they were gone. And they didn't know what to do.

This has happend throughout their entire life, but has become far more frequent since The Technodrome.

You would think that having an issue for your entire life would mean youre able to cope with that issue. Especially having a sibling as well-versed in psychology and emotions as Michael is. But apparently, that isn't how it works.

Having awful emotional permanence surely didnt help. It's very hard to keep a diary of your feelings when you forget about them immediately after you stop feeling them. Which makes it really hard to ask for help.

Emotions are exhausting and confusing, but Donnie thought they preferred having them to not.

The only time they didn't want to feel was after Shelldon... NOPE! No. He's back. Hes ok. Hes alive. No need to go back there ever again.

They decided to go and get a drink... and maybe check on Shelldon on the way. And their siblings. And Papa. But only because they couldn't sleep, and they were heading that way anyways.

They swung their legs over the side of their bed to get up, realising their mistake a moment too late.

"SHIT!" They exclaimed as they fell to the floor, legs unable to hold their full weight.

They covered their eyes with their palms as they let out a shaky breath.

Fuck.

Why do rhey keep forgetting about that.

They let out a quiet sob as tears started to wet their palms and the shock made their emotion flood back. Desperately trying to comfort themself, they pulled their knees to their chest, grabbing their plesiosaur plush from their bed and holding it close, burying their face into the well-loved stuffed animal.

Its not fair. Its not fucking fair. They just wsnted to be a normal-ish teenager. Sure, they can still technically do most of the things they used to be able to do. But it was diffrrent. Which meant that they were different. And they didnt like change.

They cant skateboard anymore, and they might never be able to again. They loved skateboarding.

Logically, they knew that with their enhanced healing, they would more likely recover than not, but it had been a fucking year and they'd made barely any progress.

And sure, their family were very accommodating and understanding, but they didn't get it. Not in the way Donnie needed them to.

It made them angry, and they hated themself for it. Because its not their fault.

They would never want anyone to see what they saw, to feel what they felt. But it just sucked sometimes. It was so isolating and lonely. They just wanted someone to understand. To really, truly know them. To listen to them and go 'yeah, i get it'.

But they never would.

Because if The Technodrome was to be beleived, and they see no reason why she would lie, nobody else had seen what she showed them. Or if they did, they didnt survive to tell their story.

But they all went through horrific trauma that night. Raph was literally mind controlled and Leo was trapped in the prison dimension with Prime for fuck's sake! There was no way they were talking about this and risking bringing back those memories, they wouldn't do that to them. No matter how painful and isolating it was.

They stayed there for a little longer, breathing deep, shaky breaths and listening to their own heartbeat.

Now they really needed a drink.

Thankfully, they had created a new, more comfortable battle shell for prolonged use. Though it wasnt really a battle shell more like a get-around-the-lair shell. They kept it next to their bed so they could put it on when they woke up.

After taking a second to put their glasses on, they put their battle shell on, securing it.

They released the spider arms and made their way to the door (after tucking in the plesiosaur plush, of course).

The kitchen light was on when they got there, which wasn't surprising as the others tended to forget to turn them off after getting snacks.

Donnies hands shook slightly as they took out a glass from the cupboard, then the cordial from thr cupboard below it. The shaking persisted as they made their drink and put the cordial away. Thry took a sip. Then another. Then downed the whole thing. They hadn't realised just how thirsty they were.

They left the glass in the sink, far too exhausted to wash it right now.

Since Papa's room was closest, they decided to check on hin first, then Raph, then Mikey, and then check on Leo & Shelly at the other end.

Their dad always left his door open at night so that he could hear his children and they could hear him. Donnie stuck their head through the door and listened out for a moment, some of the tightness in their chest dissipating as they heard him snore. They didn't feel the need to check any further and turned to their next destination.

As they approaced Raph's room, they could already hear her snoring, but decided to go in and check on her anyway. Walking further in, they saw that Raph had dropped a couple of her stuffed animals in her sleep, and took moment to put them back properly.

Pulling the blanket over her a little more, they gently stroked the side of her head with their thumb, snoothing out the creases in her brow. Once Raph had settled down and started to smile slightly, Donnie got up and made their way out of the room and towards Mikeys, feeling lighter than before.

Mikey was a very quiet sleeper, so Donnie couldn't hear anything outside of his room.

Making their way in, Donnie made sure to tidy Mikeys desk whilst still leaving everything out and in view so he didnt forget about anything.

Mikey was sound asleep in his bed, completely sprawled out with the blanket tied up in ways Donnie wasnt sure they could do if they tried. Nevertheless, they managed to free Mikey from the blanket without waking him – thank you extra arms – and lay it over him instead so he didn't get cold.

They stayed for a moment longer, just watching him breathe, until they felt secure enough to leave him alone. It was truly incredible how much calmer they felt now compared to when they first got up.

Donnie, Leo, and Shelldon all had rooms on the opposite side of the layer, with theirs on the end closest to their lab, and Shelldons between them and Leo.

Leos room was on that side because of twin reasons. As much as they loved to make fun of eachother and get in dumb fights, they really were part of eachother. If either one needed any sort of comfort or help, the other – no matter how angry they may be, will always be there for them. They understood eachother like nobody else. And they will do anything to keep it that way.

Gently pushing open the door to Leos room, they made their way over to his bed. Leaving the haphazardly stacked comic books just the way he likes them. From the looks of it, Leo had fallen asleep on his phone, so Donnie made sure to put it on charge, gently removing Leos mask and fixing his blanket. But Leo was a much lighter sleeper than everyone else, and opened his eyes, blinking a few times before letting out a scratchy "Tello?"

Shit.

"Yeah, its me, Lee, sorry for waking you Ill-"

They were cut off by Leo gently grabbing the sides of their face, his face scrunching up in concern, " 'v you been crying?"

They cringed. Ah. Right. They didnt wash their eyeliner off. God they probably looked like such a mess right now. "Yeah, im- im- im okay now though. Go back to sleep."

Leo grabbed their hand and pulled gently, clearly inviting them to join him.

"Sigh. Alright, fine, but I have to go check on Shelldon first, ill be right back. Promise." They gave Leo a kiss on the head and stood to leave after he nodded.

Well, they were spending the night in Leos room now, they supposed. They were grateful for it to be honest, they didnt really want to be on their own right now.

As they entered Shelldon's room and saw the droid charging, they felt the last (biggest) bit of their anxiety melt away and they were so releived they could cry.

They quickly made their way to his bedside, lowering themself to kneel next to him.

Then they did start crying. He was there. Their son. Their baby. Safe and comfortable and alive. They gently caressed his face and neck, careful not to wake him. Leaning over, Donnie gently kissed him on the top of his head. He's right there. And he's okay.

Donnie stayed there for a few minutes, just watching him. They wanted desperately to hold him. To take him in their arms and never let go. To make sure nothing can never harm him ever again. But they didnt want to wake him.

Soon enough, they felt almost all of their anxiety leaving them, so they left back to Leos room.

When they got back, Leo wasnt asleep, and was clearly trying very hard to stay that way.

Donnie sat down on the edge of his bed where Leo cleared the blankets for them. They took their battle shell off very carefully so they didnt hit Leo and placed it next to the bed. Then they took their glasses off and put them on the bedside table before moving themself to lie next to Leo, resting their head on his bicep and wrapping their arms around him. "G'night. Love you." Leo managed to get out before immediately passing out. "Night Leo, I love you too." Donnie replied, feeling warm and safe and secure for the first time that night before they joined their beloved twin in sleep.

reblogs > likes

[lunarcries-blog1]

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[casstelia]

I have a request for your "Oofuri Characters React" series, if that's okay! Can you do them reacting to Abe passing away during childbirth? Thank you!!

MIHASHI "A-a-a-a-abe..." He sobs, over abe's dead corpse in the hospital bed. the baby came out of him fine, but when the baby came out abe went into critical condition and passed away before the nurses could react. "You... you... you..." Mihashi is unconsolable, as usual, and Tajima pats his back, not crying at all. "It's okay mihashi, he would have wanted you two have the baby girl over his life" tajima pats his friends back, really hard.

"He should have told me..........." Miahshi sobs, shaking, wishing for just one more moment his omega was still alive.

TAJIMA

“ABE KUN!!!!!!” TAJIMA YELLS, ANGUISH DRIPPING OFF OF HIS VOICE. “NO!!!!” HE HOLDS ABE’S DEAD BODY IN HIS HANDS, SHAKING AS THE BLOOD COVERS HIM. THE ONCE LIFT FILLED ABE, THE MAN TAJIMA LOVED, PREGNANT, HAPPY, LOVING HUSBAND, DEAAD IN HIS ARMS IN THE HOSPITAL. THE NURSES TOOK THE BABY AWAY AND ABE PASSED AWAY WHILE THEY WERE GONE, HIS LAST WORDS BEING “TAKE CARE OF REN-CHAN FOR ME...” TAJIMA CANT HANDLE IT ANYMORE, AND TAKES THE PAINKILLERS FROM BESIDE THE HOSPITAL BED. HE CANT EXIST WITHOUT HIS ABE...

HANAI

“B-bastard...!” He screams out, shaking the lifeless form in his arms. “Idiot! Stupid! Shitty personality! Wake up already... don’t you wanna see our son?” Hanai’s voice breaks, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. He feels numb, so numb, at the lifeless Abe in his arms.

“Please.... Abe..... Takaya................... don’t you wanna meet Guchi-kun....” Hanai cries out, with no response.

MIZUTANI

“You couldn’t even give birth to our child right, could you, Abe-kun?” He spits, looking down on the corpse that lay in front of him. The nurses gasp, looking at the foul mouthed boy cursing his dead baby daddy. “Tch.” Mizutani looks away, feeling tears in his eyes. “Idiot. Wake up, quit playing.” Mizutani is shaking, shitting, and crying.

“I miss you idiot.............”

HARUNA

lol

IZUMI

“Why...? Takaya...” Izumi shudders and shakes, the cold hospital room even colder with his dead husband laying in bed so peacefully. They took their newborn daughter away, and while Abe was recovering, he had an asthma attack that proved fatal. Izumi was screaming while Abe choked on air, turning purple and blue.

The nurses couldn’t make it in time, and instead saw Izumi sobbing over his husbands body, the newly-made mother now newly-made dead....

SAKAEGUCHI

“What happened to Abe-kun!?” Sakaeguchi yells at the nurse as he leaves the bathroom. His husband giving birth made him extremely nervous, so he escaped to the bathroom while his husband was birthing.

“He... he’s gone... I’m so sorry....” The nurse sobs. “He passed away in his sleep after giving birth... probably about 20 minutes ago...”

“WHAT?! YOU... YOU!!!!” HE GRABS the nurse ANGRILY and begins SCREAMING. “MY HUSBAND... OUR CATCHER.... THE CO CAPTAIN OF OUR BASEBALL TEAmmm DEAD?! HOW COULD YOU.. HOW COULD YOU!!”

“SECURITY” “GIVE ME MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILD!!!!!!!

SUYAMA AND OKI

The two boys held each other in their arms as Abe lays dead in front of them.

“Suyama... I...” Oki shudders, a sob wracking his body.

“Sh... Oki... Sh... I know...” Suyama cuddles his chubby little boyfriend.

“Abe... he’s... Takaya.... I ....” Oki can’t cope with this, he can’t

“He wouldn’t want us to be sad. He wouldn’t want us to cry... we have twins now... to raise... even if it’s without him...” Suyama’s voice is firm, reassuring. He was always the voice of reason in their polycule, nd even without abe, they could keep going... together...

ABE

“Damn this is how I died huh? Pussy shit way to go.” Abe thinks, drifting in the afterlife. “Why was I even the one carrying the kid? Couldn’t like anyone else do it. Nishihiro is literally a benchwarmer. He would’ve been better than me. I’m literally our only catcher.” He monologues outloud into the void.

“You know what? Fuck this” abe screams, and starts swimming back towards the darkness, back into his body, and comes BACK to life, the hospital lights and bed coming into view as he wakes back up

NISHIHIRO “Wwhat the fuck”

[thedreamerandthedream]

Really upsetting morning. Got "ganged" up on by mom and therapist. Just really upsetting. Two months of pure hell for me, (I cant even stress that enough. Hell. and they still wont just freaking sit down and tell me from beginning to end what happened! That makes me just furious! *WHY*?!?!? What the f&%#* he11 is wrong with you? Why, having your daughter say to other people and a number of times straight to your face that it was hell, two or more months of all the levels of hell. The unified result? "What? That's over, why do you want to talk about it more, you'll just get upset again hay I'll be here for dinner n maybe you can remind Carl of bl bla whatever I just desperately want to punch you I the face omg I jus... I just... I'll be crying my eyes out in the bathroom call when dinners ready. You know that falling to the ground, literally looseing-your-breath-looking around just for something to at least grab onto as your being bareid alive flailing around just desperately wanting to jump off a bridge in such pain that you want to RIP your own heart, through it down the deepest hole you can find and leave it torn apart and sobbing while the only relief is that the cold emptiness is different than the deep painful physical hurt in your chest as you continue to entertain the thought of literally running away since there is no way you can be around these people anymore. The people who, lol, have your best interests at heart. Two months of devastated delirium, dark black sadness, Medically induced hallucinations (I guess because NO ONE WILL EVEN TELL ME *THAT* MUCH... that scared the shit out of me, days of crying, sobbing, desperate to just get out of this so I can at least breathe again. I'm desperate to just make the pain go away. Everywhere I look is devastating... triggering everywhere. About half the things I own through about the house, trashing everything. It's *Everything*.I literally have to wash or throw away *everything*. My OCD off the charts (well everyone else is completely oblivious and confused as to what else I could possibly be upset about now. Just organizing has taked *days*).

Moms notorious for 'if you're not crying it must be alright then', with absolutely nothing moved or changed or done or rectified. Like, sure, everything is great just because I've been crying so much I have no tears left (I never really thought that was a thing, untill it was.).

Though everyone else just seems to be completely nonchalant about it, if anything. They dont see what could ever be that bad. Her coping skills go; 1) get upset by a situation involving daughter. 2) magically stop being upset soon after. 3) wonder why daughter is crying. 4) get more hopeless and upset when she inevitably (yet after a few hours) comes over (not to console me, but to ask "what are you crying about? What happened?" Seriously? Its pretty devastating when you're going through hell and your biggest supporter is like "man that was more then an hour ago; you can't still be upset... that you wouldn't just be sad, n by that afternoon be completely okay. My mom still has trouble figuring why I'm upset about it. Shes holds the world's record for "getting over [anything]. Unfortunately she applies that character trait to me aswell. My heart was ripped out an stomped on continually.

Before she went to work, mom saw me still crying. Put a note on my door;

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Can we talk latter?

I was so relieved! I dont do well when mom n I "fight"... I just... I really need her. Like, *really*... I'm an emotional wreck; Fighting consists of my crying my eyes out for hours till she figures she better come over, with the insight of "you should stop crying so much, you're gunna make yourself sick." By this afternoon she either wont do it at all, will stay as far away from me as she can, or just walk around talking about some random work thing that I could not care less with at this point. She comes with conclusions like "you were mad at me, so I stayed away from you (sure, cuz that wont make me feel more unwanted and not worth your time. Great plan).

... and that's just one room...

Their blaming it on me. Saying I was super tired, like exhausted... so I trashed the house. Within... like... a few days and apparently no one stopped me. Or even talked to me about it when I woke up. Just "hey, goodmorning, you slept for a long time heres some toast."

[dinolikes]

IMPOSTER - PART THREE

summery ❤︎ Nobody has any quirks and is stuck on a ship like Among Us

pairings ❤︎ Imposter!Dabi x Reader

content warnings ❤︎ major character deaths

| prev.|

"at least this means we dont have to worry anymore." kaachan shrugs, you snap your head towards him,

"what do you mean?"

"I mean usually theres only like one, right? meaning we're most likely in the clear." you nod, you honestly forgot kaachan existed there for a sec, he was just so...quiet.

"kaachan c'mere, you too deku." the former looked at you weirdly but complied, while the latter bounced over to you.

you briefly let go of dabi and pulled shoto with you, and hugged all three of the young boys closely.

you knew that them and ingeniumu were in the same classes all through highschool, and they joined headquarters together, to lose a friend like that...you couldn't imagine it.

shoto grabbed onto your arms again, hugging himself close to you, deku, wrapped his arms around you and kaachan -surprisingly- leaned into you, he didnt hug you back but he showed his appreciation and a few sniffles could he heard from all of them.

"c'mon guys, we just have to finish our tasks and soon enough we'll be home, okay?" they nod and slowly pull themselves off of you. "ill show you guys my place and we'll get froyo, all of us,"

shoto lets out a small smile whereas deku didnt hide his, even kaachan didnt bother hiding the goofy smile that broke through.

during your time together you had become a bit of a mother towards the three, especially kaachan and shoto, deku already having a healthy relationship with his mum.

as deku and shoto walk away, kaachan lingered.

"thanks." he mumbles, looking at his feet, you hold his cheek in a protective way

"no problem kaa, now shoo, go with deku," kaachan smirks and walks away.

dabi almost regretted when the moment ended, but was happy to have you in his arms again.

"that was sweet."

you hum, "yeah, your gonna have to include those kids in our little life plan you wrote," you smirk up at him, teasing him about the page you found a couple months ago, which was filled with things he wanted to do with you.

"shup up," he smiled, genuinely smiled at you, and you leant up to give him a peck on the lips.

"wonder, you ready to go?" you turn slightly to see hawks, and you pout.

"actually, do you mind if I take her from now? you and shoto can team up," hawks shrugged.

"sure! ill rescue shoto and let him be with someone cool for once!" hawks laughed as dabi was obviously annoyed.

as everyone went off with their group to finish their task you couldnt help but think.

you were glad fun loving hawks was back, you were glad everyone was back to normal actually. you dont think you guys would ever officially be healed but the thought that this was over made you happy.

dabi tugged on your hand and you looked towards him.

"can I kiss you?"

you blushed, he never outright ASKED, but you nodded anyways, filling with electricity as he cupped you cheeks and smashed his lips on yours.

you both moved in synch, as you ran your fingers through his hair and lightly tugged at times, knowing that made him go feral and right now you just wanted to forget.

you thought of how ingeniumu would react to finding you and dabi like this, the kid would probably start waving his arms and going berserk, thirteen would probably have to calm him down and tell him that it's fine, he's always nice like that.

or, he WAS always nice like that.

you felt dabi pull away and you were about to question it until you felt the tears on your cheek yourself.

"what's wrong doll?" he cupped you face and you saw worry in his eyes.

"n-nuthin." you hiccup, the weight of the reality of this situation finally crashing down on you.

they were dead, they really were dead.

"is it because of, yknow?" he jerks his head towards the cafeteria, referencing exactly why you were crying.

you let out a sob as you bobbed your head.

"awh, c'mere doll," dabi cooed and grabbed the back of your head, pulling you in for a tight hug and his other hand slipped around your waist, softly squeezing to show support.

"t-theyre go-gone! a-and ingeniumu will n-never be the-there to sco-scold us ag-gain and a-and and-" you hiccupped out, they were gone, they were really fucking gone.

"shh shh doll, it will be okay, think about having froyo with the kids and me, how about we make it a tradition? every Sunday how about?" you slightly nod as he moves his hand around you head to cup your cheek, whipping your tears, "yeah? and with me, you, kaachan, deku and shoto, we'll all have froyo each sunday, and when we eventually have kids we'll bring them along too,"

you hum, that did sound nice.

"kaachan would probably try to teach them how to probably beat up deku before they reached 5," you let out a laugh, he would do that.

"and if they didnt learn how to properly throw a right hook on their own before 3, he would probably stay up all day and night to make sure," your voice sounded croaky but dabi still smiled.

"exactly. even if we have to change the life plan a little bit it will still be our life plan, and we're gonna spend it together," you smile and look up at your boyfriend.

"thank you touya," you lightly kiss his cheek,

"anything for you doll,"

he went to kiss your lips again before both of your watches beeped, an emergency meeting.

you both ran back towards the cafeteria, deku, shoto, twice and hawks already there, where was kaachan?

hawks seemed to catch your eye looking throughout the room, and spoke up, "kaachan is dead."

suddenly it felt like everything came crashing down.

you didnt understand, he was- he was there and alive! and your plans- oh god you cant go for froyo now.

it seemed silly to worry about that but you were panicking, it was what you were supposed to do!

you stared at hawks, "n-no. no. hes not dead."

hawks took a step forward, "wonder-"

"no! he- he cant be dead! t-the froyo and the the-" dabi grabbed you and pulled you into his chest again, your newly dried eyes watering again but you just pathetically leaned into your boyfriend. "he cant be dead." you whimpered.

dabi affectionately rubbed your back, "it's okay doll, its gonna be okay,"

everyone stared at you in sympathy, they were all affected but it was obvious you were struggling.

twice had a different look though, like guilt, one that hawks didnt miss.

"hey twice?"

he snapped his head up towards the blonde, "yeah?" his voice slightly cracked.

"where were you?"

"I-"

"oh god not with this shit again! hawks will you give it a break for two fucking seconds?" dabi snaps, "I dont care if this is your way of coping is fucking interrogating us or something but just leave it alone!"

"oh im SO sorry for worrying about who's gonna be dead next!"

"i dont ca-"

shoto interrupted the two, "tomura said he was with twice last time and twice agreed. but now we know tomura was killing." shoto's voice cracked.

twice widened his eyes, but nodded. "i-im sorry."

everyone stared in shock, even hawks was silent.

he didnt look up, "the system is fucked, I'm telling you that, but I didnt want to hurt any of you i swear!"

hawks didnt say anything as he pushed him into the trash chute room, and neither did twice, he didnt even protest.

"can I ask you one more question?" hawks asked, twice slowly nodding.

"are there anymore?"

twice makes eye contact with dabi, another look hawks doesnt miss, and nods, holding up a finger.

with that hawks pulls the switch and out went twice, into space.

| next |

[khaleesiofalicante]

OK MY ELECTRICITY WENT BUT IM HERE WITH MY LIVE BLOG. Im also wearing a tiara i found during cleaning at 2 38 am...

LXI'S STILL HAVING THOSE DREAMS

You see, that’s how Lexi functioned. Unlike Selena who had a weekly planner with her name doodled on it, Lexi didn’t like having a schedule. She would decide what she wanted to do when she wanted it.

SAME LEXI SAME

IM SORRY IF THIS IS MSOTLY IN CAPS IM TOO EXCITED

lexi

lexi why are you in pain

what what what

whats happening

im freaking out

GEORGIA

There were six of them. Each handle in one colour of the pride flag.

gimme

THE ACADEMY

NO NO NO

these demons can talk as well.

that's what bothers me the most

CLARY STFU YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU FOUGHT A WAR AT 15. I know she's worried for valid reasons but im losing it right now.

calm its ok its gonna be ok

georgia collecting the ichor-

i love her so much

Lexi didn’t think it was possible, but the sight somehow made her gayer than before.

me every time i look at amy or rosa from b99

OLIVIA

“Of course you are not dying!” Lexi said severely. “Neither one of us is allowed to die before we finish binging Game of Thrones.”

with the major character death tag right there

dont make me think of georgia getting sick

dont

The bar was extremely low for shadowhunters.

yes it is

OH MULTIPLE POVS

RAFAEL

did i just sob "my child" ?

maybe i did

im so proud of him

LEAVE ME ALONE

wait but in tid sophie was over the age of ascention too

WAIT HOW OLD WAS SOPHIE AT THE AGE OF ASCENTION

WAIT OMG SOPHIE WAS YOUNG

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

“Life is too short for bad blood,”

yeah. yeah it is

i still really like camilla

He could go to Mexico right now. His heart wanted to do it. His body screamed at him to do it.

It wasn’t the distance that was the problem. He had two warlocks at home. He had a bike. He had money to buy a plane ticket.

It wasn’t the distance at all. Rafael would walk to Mexico for her if necessary.

i screamed so loud here i was grateful for the closed door

CHAIRMAN MEOW

CYUKGUCDGYMDYUD

THE PRECIOUS CAT

WHAT IF THE MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH IS ABOUT CHAIRMAN???

“Y’all really be acting as if portals are like a bag of Cheetos!” Max pointed out seriously. “It ain’t $2.50, bro! Do you have any idea the energy it takes to make a portal? What people actually pay for it? I can’t be making portals for free. I don’t get a salary from the Clave like you do. This is how I make a living!”

SO TRUE

“I was going to say you should go stay at the institute with David,” Rafael said. “But you are right. You are not a baby. You can stay here on your-”

“On second thoughts,” Max interrupted with a grin. “I’m still a fetus in warlock years so I will go the institute.”

THEY ARE SO PRECIOUS

AHHH HE CALLED HER PRETTY THE FIRST TIME HE SAW HER

THEY WERE 7

IM SCREAMING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

my throat hurts

JAIME MY BABY

Y'ALL I MISSED HIM SO MUCH

“All thanks to the amazing Isabelle Lightwood,” Jaime replied. “I think I am a little in love with her.”

“Who isn’t?” Rafael chuckled.

we all are in love with isabelle lightwood

no no no

where's anjali

where is she

dont fuck with me right now

why does diego look like a mess

“Diego,” the woman rasped. “She is coughing up blood again.”

no

dont

it's chapter 1

stop making me cry

THE LIGHTWOOD SIBLINGS

YUSDFGYUSDFSDGYUD

if anyone gives izzy shit for this i'll kill them

JACE STOP GOING SO FAST

“Jace, if you want to a baby so much then grow your own damn uterus,” Isabelle snapped.

TELL HIM

THIS GOES OUT TO THE WHOLE MALE POPULATION

After Georgia’s birth, they had promised each other that they would always choose the children first. If it ever came to a point, as it often did in their lives, where they had to choose between themselves and the children – they had promised each other to save the children.

dude theres a major character death here

Jace thought for a moment and then grinned at her. “No uterus. No opinion.”

“Selena has trained you well,”

selena my smart feminist child

I JUST KNOW ONE OF THE LIGHTWOOD-BANES IS DYING

AND IM NOT OK

“Do you really need those?” Alec asked, pointing at the glasses.

“No,” Jace replied. “But Clary thinks I look hot with glasses.”

“You two are ridiculous,” Alec shook his head.

Jace turned around. “Really? And your beard is for character building, is it?”

there's no use lying alec we all know why it's really there

I KNOW WHAT LEUKEMIA IS SHUT THE FUCK UP IM LOSING MY SHIT

no

no

she cant die

IF SHE DIES I WILL RAISE HELL

my throat hurts from all the shouting

“Can I get a cinnamon latte with extra cream and two sugars please?” Alec asked.

Jace raised an eyebrow.

“Magnus had a long day at the Spiral Labyrinth,” Alec explained.

“Can’t he just magic his drink?”

“Well, yes,” Alec replied. “But I like buying it for him. It’s called being a good husband.”

aww that's so sweet

THIS IS HILARIOUS

“I’m saying no one can do better than David,” Jace huffed. “He is precious.”

tru

“If you are going to be this way, things are going to be very awkward at their wedding,” Jace muttered.

“They are not getting married, Jace!”

“Do you not want them to???”

“They are nineteen!!”

“Doesn’t mean we are not allowed to think about it,” Jace pointed out. “If they get married, we will be family!”

“We are already family!” Alec all but yelled.

“Yeah, but we will be even closer!” Jace sighed happily.

“You are my parabatai!” Alec said incredulously. “My soul is literally tied to yours! How closer do you want to get?”

THIS IS AMAZING

OH MY GOD I LOVE

JACE BEING OVER PROTECTIVE OVER SELENA DATING SOMEONE IM LOSING MY SHIT

wait how old is michael

"Oh my god,” Jace gasped. “Three out of three! I win!”

“It’s not a competition, Jace!” Alec rolled his eyes.

“It is and I won,” Jace grinned. “You’re welcome, LGBTQ+ community.”

YUP JACE WON

“Can we talk about something else?” Izzy demanded. “We are not those parents who only ever talk about their children.”

Alec cleared his throat. “Right. Of course.”

“Yeah, we have lives of our own,” Jace nodded seriously.

They drove quietly for a while before they started discussing about their children’s love lives again right up until Jace pulled over at Jade Wolf.

of course...

Lily’s face was pale – paler than usual.

lily what's wrong

please lily

anjali...

lily is close to her

of course

“Then we burn all the angels,” Lily growled.

YES YES YES YES

Jace walked in that moment, sipping from his latte. “I bought donuts, y’all!”

A chuckle escaped Magnus. “Jonathan. Your timing is impeccable.”

"Is everything okay?” Jace asked, looking troubled.

“No,” Maia replied. “But at least we have donuts.”

at least they have donuts

“I love you,” he mouthed, and Alec’s heart was okay for a moment.

THE FEELS

ISABELLE

NO NO NO

NO

IZZY

PLEASE

WHY IS EVERY POV ENDING LIKE THIS

They had put on their clothes

AHEM SIR-

they grow up so fast...

no

im crying

dont please

izzy

she was poisoned

oh my god

WHO

GIVE ME NAMES RIGHT NOW

Rafael drank like a dozen a day.

understandable have a good day

OH MY GOD STOP JOKING AS A COPING MECHANISM

Im squeezing the life out of Emma (my emotional support stuffed cat) right now

seelies

the first time i heard the source was angelic my very first incstinct was seelie. I didn't wanna share it because of how absurd it sounded. but it doesn't anymore.

charlotte was poisoned by a seelie unintentionally which cost her her child

oh

OH MY GOD

NO THIS WASN'T IZZY'S COFFEE

MAGNUS GAVE IT TO HER

THIS WAS MAGNUS' COFFEE

SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO POISON HIM.

I'm losing my mind oh my god... I am so scared. Please Anjali and Isabelle please they cant...no i dont wanna think like that. tryna take deep breaths. ok. it's gonna be ok. maybe.

see ya friday!

Now I want to write lbaf while wearing a tiara. Hmmmm. I'll look for one online.

See you Friday! Also hope you had a good birthday!!!

And send pics of Emma!!!!!!!

[nriacc]

OKAY IM READY

1. omg alex is there first thing in the chapter i needed warning AND THEYRE AT HER SPOT AND THEYVE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH TIEM TOGETHER COULD THIS BE IT????? HE MADE HER ANOTHER SAFE HAVEN AWAY FROM HOME STOP

2. i too would like to know who bestie is dating

3. oh god a letter from matty when he was in rehab is not going to be fun / oh my god he’s going back to the night at the hospital oh my god / ME & YOU TOGETHER SONG TEASE AH / OH MY GOD THIS IS SO MUCH AND ITS STILL JUST THE BEGGING

4. OH okay this is what we’re doing okay uhhhh unexpected really, not too mad about this reunion i mean i have said that i felt like there was some sort of closure needed with matty… / OKAY FINE THIS IS VERY SWEET BUT IM WORRIED ABOUT ALEX OKAY I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM / OKAY I SAY THIS WITH NOTHING BUT LOVE BUT MAN FUCK YOU IM CRYING HE WAS HER FIRST REAL LOVE DUDE // shower sex. yeah… that was hot.

5. OKAY UNEXPECTED A GIRL I GUESS GABY OKAY WASNT EXPECTING THIS OKAY

6. AHHHH OHMYGOD WHATTHE FUCK WHAT NO NO EXCUSE ME!! AM I???!!! HEARING THIS!!! PROPERLY???? YES WHEELS YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A SHOT OH MY GOD YES MATTY HEALY HAS JUST SAID TO GIVE ALEX TURNER A SHOT HOLY SHIT OH MU GOD IM ABOUT TO EXPLODE IM. LITERALLY GOING TO COMBUST I CANNOT DEAL HOLY FUCK

7. and he’s loved you since i can remember IM IN SHAMBLES YES JUST LET YOURSELF BE HAPPY. WITH ALEX.

8. 2 months have passed 😭😭

9. OH MY GOD ITS THE SCENE OH MY GOD WERE GONNA KNOW WHO IT IS OKAY OKAY EVERYBODY GET READY

10. CHARLIE OH MY GOD OHHH MY GOOOOD

11. please please PLEASE JUST KISSS

12. wait the 🗣🗣🗣 meant matty and wheels talking??? i just figured that out

13. THEY KISSED ITS HAPPENING OHMYGOD LETS GO GIRLS GIDDY UP AND THERES SOMETHING BETWEEN THEM AND SHE WANTS TO RUN WITH IT OHMYGOD IVE WAITED 24 CHAPTERS FOR THIS MOMENT AND I MIGHT DIE RIGHT NOW AND NOT LIVE TO SEE IT COME TRUE

14. IM DYING THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL THEYRE HAPPENING AND THEYRE GRINDING ON A BUNKBED THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS

15. THEY BOTH FINALLY MADE IT HOME STOP IT NO WAY YOURE SO TRYING TO KILL ME OH MY GOD

THOSE ARE ALL MY THOUGHTS I WILL NOW BE PASSING AWAY AND YES CURLY IS FORGIVEN I CANT EVEN TRY TO BE MAD ANYMORE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH AM I FINALLY GETTING MY WHEELS AND ALEX ??? MY HOPES ARE UP WILL THEY BE DESTROYED? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

i seriously truly genuinely loved this so much i can’t believe you wrote that holy shiiiiit

Can I just say your reactions were fucking brilliant and they made me smile sooooo much so thank you for that!! Here we go:

1. I absolutely love the two of them in her spot, it makes me feel all warm and gooey inside 🥺🥺🥺 and legit he made his home her home I can’t 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💜

2. Hahahahaha I hope you liked who he was!!

3. Mate how saddddd was the letter😭/ the hospital bits made me sob writing it/ yasssss me & you together song ahhhhhh/ IT REALLY WAS JUST THE BEGINNING AHHH

4. How can we be mad at wheels for doing what’s right for herrrr 🥺/ HAHAHAHA I KNEW ID GET YOU ALEX STANS ALL IRRATE AND THEN YOUD ALL LOVE THE ENDING HAHAHAHA/ IM SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU CRY IM SENDING MUCH LOVE YOUR WAY💜/ I’m glad you thought it was steamy, that was a last minute addition🔥

5. I knowwwww but I love her couldn’t not have her in this fic

6. AHHHAHAHAHAHA KNEW ID GET YOU!!!!! YOURE HEARING HIM RIGHT!!!! HE ACTUALLY SAID IT!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVEEEEE!!!!! I STILL CANT AND I WROTE IT!!!!!

7. SAME AHHHHH ITS SO CUTE I CANT COPE HE JUST WANTS THE BEST FOR HER I LOVE HIM SO BAD 🥺💜🥺💜🥺💜🥺💜💜💜

8. Imagine how tough that first month was for alex 😭

9. AHHHHHH DID YOU GUESS RIGHT!!!!

10. WE 🥳 LOVE 🥳🥳 CHARLIEEEEEE 🥳🥳🥳

11. Ahhahahahahahahha I made you wait so long😂😂😂

12. 🗣 yessss it was literally talking 😂😂😂😂 everyone was overthinking 😂😂😂

13. THEY FINALLY KISSSEDDDDD AHHHHHHHHHHH THERE ALL SO CUTE AND GOOEY TOGETHER I CANT FUCKING COPE IM SO HAPPY GOT THEM TOO!!!!!!!! PLEASE DONT DIE I NEED YOUR AWESOME REACTIONS FOR THE REST OF THE FIC😂

14. THEY ARE SO SO SO HAPPY🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰 and horny apparently 👀😂

15. AHHHHHHHHH TWO HEARTS AND ONE HOME 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THESE REACTIONS YOU MADE ME SMILE SO SO SO MUCH WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE!!! HERES HOPING NOTHING GOES WRONG BUT ITS NRIACC SO DONT BANK ON IT 💀💀💀

I’m so thrilled you enjoyed it thank you so much💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.

[askmyboys]

Jonathan Chandler

Name: Jonathan Chandler | Nicknames: Johnny, JC (which is what he usually signs off with) | Gender: Male | Age: 29 | Height: 6'2" (he used to be 5'1" but let's just say he wrote himself a bigger height ...he cant settle for being a smol bab) | Species/Race: Human | Hair Color: Dark Brown (and slicked back, he keeps his hair v e r y tidy) | Eye Color: Caramel Brown | Appearance: He usually wears a lot of fancy attire, suits, tuxedos, etc- Just so long as its fancy and shows that he is superior to your typical human, his pants and shoes of all things are even the fanciest you can get (he's got a bit of a... narcissistic streak to him), he does have a LOT of scars underneath his clothing, and even some on his face, he absolutely loathes them because their a certain reminder of events he doesn't like... But also, scars are imperfections to him as well (and for a reason at that), he's tried to write them away even but somehow, his writing can't affect the scars on himself, he also has a circle beard. | Personality: Arrogant, cocky, narcissistic as all hell, can be cruel and evil but he himself NEVER gets his hands dirty, he has no need anyways, when he can just write up something and let whatever he wrote up take care of the situation, he doesn't like getting blood on his clothing, despite being so arrogant and cocky, he isn't stupid, he's actually a very intelligent man! He k n o w s he has a power no human has ever had before, or at least that he knows of, and anyone who d o e s wield the same power as him, he'll hunt them down and destroy them, there can only be o n e in this situation and that one is him, its h i s power and his alone! (tl;dr: Arrogant, cocky, narcissism incarnate p much, he can actually be p cruel and evil if he SO wants to be but he'll never do the dirty work himself, rather intelligent and k n o w s he has an incredible gift, so he won't waste it by doing some trivial shit with it, he's going to r u l e the world with this gift... He's more so the type to manipulate you into giving him what he wants, or manipulate you into joining him, either way im sure it'll end in betrayal, and even if you refuse- it doesn't matter, he's still gonna try to get rid of you then) | Side Facts: Oh this poor boy... He went through so much, so much horrible shit... His parents for starters, were the absolute worst, always expectant of him, expecting NOTHING but ABSOLUTE perfection, anything less and he was considered a failure and would be... ahem... "Punished" for it, his entire family were like that truth be told, always having high expectations of him, making him wear what they wanted him too, making him do virtually anything they wanted, it was never about him... N e v e r... He wasn't even allowed to play with the other kids, he grew up pretty much isolated from schools, they hired him a tutor for private sessions. And whenever he got a question wrong he was a l w a y s punished for it, his father throwing the w o r s t insults he ever could at his son, or just... them sighing in disappointment, which they did... a l o t... Eventually, Jonathan here tried his hand at writing, in secret of course, his parents wanted him to become something like a lawyer, doctor, etc- just SOMETHING successful, not a simple writer, it had to be what t h e y wanted... So, he wrote in secret, away from them, it was actually a coping mechanism to deal with all the abuse, both physical and mental-wise that they dished out, and he eventually discovered that he... Had a gift, anything he wrote, could come to life pretty much... He had thought he was dreaming at first, so, he ran some tests with it, giving himself some simple things, then he moved onto bigger things and... He realized, he had... so much power... So. Much. Power... He could... use this power to his advantage, he could finally be free...! Unfortunately though, it wasn't the case... His parents had found out about his writing in secret and he got his ass kicked, it was really bad, he was p much bloody, crying and sobbing in his room afterwards, (oh he didnt just go to his room, he actually got locked in there by them), they had also torn up his notebook and tossed it out into the trash along with the pencils n shit. Now, don't worry, the notebook and the pen weren't special, its h i m who has the actual gift, it doesn't matter where he writes, what he writes with, etc- As long as its written down, whatever he wants or needs, will come to him, will come true p much... So after that bloody mess, he had pretty much... Snapped in that one moment, but I'll get to that in a bit, before- I need to say a few things bout his fam... They were rich, snobby, bastards of people, always high expectations, fancy as fuck, and no regard for the poor or anyone below them, which- EVERYONE was below them, all narcissistic shitlords p much (which is kinda how he developed his narcissism) None of his family were good people, not a single one, truth be told- they all abused him both mentally n physically in many ways, so its no wonder he's the way he is today, but hey, remember when I said he snapped? ...Well, uh, let's just say... His family ain't gonna bother him anymore, I'll let'cha imagine what happened to them yourselves, not gonna say anymore than that right there.

[romanovcain]

( BILL SKARSGÅRD, MALE, HE/HIM ) I, CAIN ROMANOV am a LEGACY student and would hereby like to submit my application to Kingswood Boarding School. I am EIGHTEEN years old and will be a SENIOR I would describe myself as RIGHTEOUS and AMBITIOUS, but also AVOIDANT and UNTRUSTING which I plan to work on during my time here. This is my request to join the HENRY building as a house MEMBER and look forward to hearing back from you. [ jimbo, 19, est ;)] 

hi this is cain and i love him treat him nicely ok thanks

tw: cults, abuse, heroin, weird religion shit

son of vaughn and adelaide romanov

vaughn being one of the senators of the state [whichever one that kingswood is located in] and his wife being a huge contributor to charity work over the years

adelaide was born and raised in england to a very, very, noble family and still keeps in close contact to them--often visiting them with the children

cain is the eldest of five children and always had a strong sense of duty to protect his younger siblings from harm’s way

the only one allowed to bully them is cain himself

right off the bat, cain could do no wrong. he was a perfect child who never threw tantrums or tracked mud throughout the house--he was obedient and had a great deal of respect for his parents and their reputations

they practically grew up down the street from kingswood, and he had always known he was going to attend the school. it was in his blood, both lines, and cain strove to never disappoint

being of such high status did, admittedly, give cain too much of an ego

he wasn’t boastful about his family, but he did give off an almost untouchable air

he either acknowledged you, or ignored you completely. often decided on who your parents were

at kingswood he was practically their golden child; the poster child.

he was respectful and charming, his smile could get him free of a month’s worth of detention, and he never let himself get into any bad publicity

he was part of several clubs, and was the star jumper on the track team

his presence at kingswood was known, and it was that simple. either you knew of him, or you wish he knew you

he was elitist and didn’t acknowledge those he considered ‘less than’ him; scholarship students, henry boys and victoria girls--anybody who would tarnish the reputation he had from birth was a no-go

he never sought out problems, himself, having always avoided unneeded conflict

that being said--when there was needed conflict, he wasn’t afraid to have it...handled

his best friend died sophomore year and it affected him pretty badly, though he would have never showed it

if anything, he became colder--if that was even possible. he was practically the ice king.

he went into senior year as head of edward house, the president of student gov, along with a member of several other clubs, and captain of the track team. 

and months later; on january 1st, 2018--cain disappeared

nobody knew where he had gone; it sent the nation into a panic.

months long search hunts, constant activity checks on his cards and phone, national broadcasting of his information. radio silence.

cain was, not dead--but seemed like it

in reality, he had given up his life of luxury to pursue what he thought was a new beginning

his recruiters were carefree children of god; who believed wealth was the root of all evil, and that those corrupted by capitalism had to be saved

they were part of a much, much, larger cult--with many, many more followers

they met cain by coincidence; small talk in a bank. they knew who he was; everybody knew who cain romanov was.

the fact his name was cain, was a message from god

they had to have him

they managed to impress cain with their intensive knowledge of life, and from there they had stayed in contact

right until january 1st, when cain was ‘initiated’ into their cult

the new year symbolized new lives, and they stripped him of his sins.

it was fine, at first. cain enjoyed the simplicity of their lives and didn’t particularly mind the worship--he had grown up religious

they were minimalist, and didn’t want cain to own any personal belongings, but he managed to hide a secret journal inside his mattress.

it was at first, just something to record his days with, or write letters to the people he missed, despite the fact he could never send them

it soon proved to be his means of survival

as the months passed by, cain was finding it harder to please his new family. they wanted more out of him. they wanted him to bless them, but he was just a boy

he was just a boy.

they found reasons to punish cain, no matter how small the error--he was punished

they involved him being grabbed at and tugged at, dozens of hands pulling at his limbs and clothes and begging him--chanting at him--to repent, until he did so

other times, they’d cleanse him via baptism, repeatedly, until water nearly filled his lungs

one of the worst things they did, were their attempts to subdue him and force him to conform back into their ways. everyday, they’d inject him with a small dose of heroin

this action led to cain’s eventual memory loss; his memory became fuzzed, shattered, only pieces and bits of his previous life left behind

but his journals reminded him of what he used to have. even if he didn’t remember it fully himself, he could read his own words and know that no matter what was going on--it was not right. and he had to get out.

he let the cult thing he was conforming, for a few months after that--to just, avoid the punishments.

it worked for a while, up until new years eve.

he had done something, unworthy to their god, and he was to pay in a terrible way.

they held him down, and attempted to brand cain with--well, the mark of cain

he bit them whenever they tried to come near his head, so they settled with his chest--right over his heart

at their cleansing ritual, that was when cain made his escape--running through woods and woods and woods until he collapsed in the middle of the highway, nearly causing an accident

it was soon reported, on january 1st, 2019, that cain romanov had been found

despite having been, running for hours, and extremely dirty--cain had been forced to recount to the police exactly where he had gone, what he had endured.

he broke down several times, sobbing, though it is a fact he keeps strictly to himself

and just like that--he was taken home.

the family reunion was....tough. some of his family had accepted the fact he was dead, others had always known he was still alive, somehow.

regardless, it was all very emotional.

despite how emotional, it was, every time somebody went to hug him, or shake his hand, or anything--he’d back away, cringe, with a repulsed look on his face

it was an extremely quick decision, but after a brief amount of thought--both kingswood and his parents thought it would be good for publicity if he finished the school year he never got to see--enrolling him for his senior year. again.

his father took advantage of the heartfelt reunion, and took the chance to announce his campaign for presidency--in name of his found son, who gave him hope once more. or some other bullshit.

cain is not the boy he was previously. he is much more reserved, yet not nearly as elite as before. he doesn’t give a shit where somebody came from. he just wants to finish his year and go about his life again

suffers from pstd and goes to therapy once a week; he still journals because his therapist told him too

also took up sketching (often, abstract portraits) as a way to help him think, or process, or cope. it was a method of healing.

looking at his old journals helps him with recognizing people, but he doesn’t really remember them

he doesn’t remember too much of his time at kingswood, and is struggling. it’s weird to know he meant so much to specific people, even though he has no memory of them anymore

he’s gradually regaining his memory, but is also dealing with heroin withdrawals. after all, they had been forcing it into his system everyday

he cant stand being touched, contact with others repulses him and often triggers flashbacks to the cult

he has no interest in any of his former positions, choosing to focus on schoolwork.

there’s probably more that i forgot tbh

EDIT: the police found the recruiters of the cult, but not the entire ordeal. cain is obsessed with the investigation, and follows it extremely closely. if anything, he’s creating his own mini investigation in following.

wanted connections !!!

past connections, mainly

old friends

ex-relationships

people he should really remember but doesn’t

he was an idol for many, and was notorious around the school. if theyve been at kingswood for a while, there is a huge chance they knew of him

god i dont know

just. give me angst. he doesn’t remember a lot about others.

[frunatic-fanfic]

the end of a dream ?

Hell yes, A NEW CHAPTER FINALLY

To everyone who is still reading , thank you so much ! I know it has been a while but I’ll update more frequently now. There’s no John in this chapter but he’ll be back soon, I promise <3 Enjoy and leave some feedback to keep me motivated :)

„ No it’s fine really. I dont need to talk right now or anything. I just want to take a shower and sleep and forgett about everything for a while“ While you speak these words your best friend Rony looks at you with a worried expression on her face , knowing that the Jolene shes been a friend to for over 12 years is again just trying to run away and surpress her sadness and anger just to hurt herself once again even more.

After a last minute flight from west to east coast and feeling trapped inside a plane packed with just all of the very few things you owned, you made it to New York City and got picked up at the airport by your best friend Rony who moved to new York to start a carreer as a designer here.

„ Jolene… what the hell hapened? Just talk to me for a minute. I mean… YOu called me this morning sounding like you were actually panicing and 8 hours later youre standing in my aparement, looking like Ozzy Ozbourne from the mascara dried all over your cheeks. I mean I get that you want to sleep but so do I – the thing is knowing my best friend must have gone through some insan shit to step into a plane to travel to New York so fast must be serious. Just give me a hint at least.“

You sob again and wipe away some fresh tears coming from your eyes. All you see in your head is John standing in front of you in that supermarket , mumbling, stuttering, but really – not saying anything that could help you cope with that feeling of being left, of being „not enough“  of being… just something that could  be replaced by something better anytime.

„well…it’s just… John and I broke up…“ „Wait…you mean THAT John? John Frusciante eh? The time you were at the hospital we didnt really have a lot of contact and that time was a mess here too, moving from california to NYC is hell, … Im sorry I wasnt there enough for you! But i did get your letters and well, Kevin used to listen tot he Red Hot Chili  Peppers a lot so of course that name wasnt a strange one to me. Oh man, Jolene had tu bump into a lost rockstar for sure…“ „ yeah… I wish I hadn’t…“ „Did he do anything bad to you?“ „No,…I mean Rony I… I was seriously so in love with him, the time we spent together in rehab felt like a dream. The both of us got better and the more time we spent, the more it felt like we didnt really need there bad, self destructive habbits anymore. It was unsure how our relationship would go on after our treatment there but at that point, it felt like it was sure we’d stay togehter….and…“ You start crying again as you think of John hugging you and kissing you when you first met again with Flea down at Venice Beach. „ well, through all the time I thought we could be together and I had finally found someone to be with, to look after me, someone I could be the center of his life for but….“ „Wait Jolene. Stop for a second. He is John Frusicante. And well, we all must have heard the news by now, he’s back in the band and they’ll have a big comeback later this year. I know how much you’re longing for that one person centering his life around you but I dont think that would be a healthy relationship for either the two of you and… it definitely wont be a rockstar on the rise…“ You see your tears fall onto the wooden floor of Ronys flat while hearing her words. Of course. Sure she was right. That childish naive wish of being the reason for someone being alive was just irrational and impossible to be true. Yet you had been holding on to it for so long. Maybe because for you, many times in your life you didnt feel like you wanted to be alive – you just kept on existing for other people.

 „Hey…Ill make us some ginseng tea and we’ll sit down on the couch and talk for a bit. I understand that you’re feeling a lot of pain right now. You feel left behind and like you were not worthy enough to someone you loved to let you stay the one thing with the highest priority in his life. At least you think and feel like that. But come on. You’ve learned a lot in therapy. Your habbit of seeing everything in either black and white, the fact that youre always clinging onto a person you love and never want to let them go, make your whole life depend on them like they’re god… We both know where these feelings and behaviours come from, right?

„Are you talking about that… Borderline Personality Disorder I got diagnozed with?“ „We both know. Look, I cant fully understand what ist like to be you, with that mindset of yours. I dont know what its like to feel all these waves of anxiety about being left alone and not good enough to be loved. But these things combined with that strong sense of envy you get everytime someone does not pay all their attention to you will make you unable to have a happy relationship forever. I dont know the full story, but seen from a rational point I think ist great that John joined the band again. You told me in your letters how passionate he looked when he was playing guitar. You wrote in one of your letters that it seemed like he was drifting into another dimension while playing for you. And now that man has made it to recover fully. He’s back in his band and can do what he loves the most. Isnt that something you would wish for him if you really loved him?“

 All the while Rony was speaking to you, you couldnt say anyhting. She was so right. Your head always kept messing with you. Growing up with abusive and alcoholic parents that never showed you even a little hint of love you kept searching for that love in every relationship you ever had- clinging onto your partner, manipulating him and controling him to make sure he couldn’t leave – and of course, these things would always make you end up alone.

 „Did John have the chance to say anything about this? I mean If you spent some time togehter before you all of a sudden descided to come here, he sure must have had an own point of view about the whole thing?“  „yeah… he…He tried to speak but I wouldnt let him.. I just ran..away..“

Rony facepalmed herself. „ Thats so classic you. I love you, you’re my best friend . But not giving him a chance to speak,not fair.“

It hurt to talk to Rony about all of this because it made you realize that you overreacted in an irreversible way. Looking back now, your reaction was far away from any logical, ratioanal thing to do and just a typical , impulsive and panic „solution“ to a problem that you had made out in your head.

 „We cant do much about all of this now Jolene. Im glad you descided to come here instead of doing some bad shit to yourself again. Kevin and I broke up so there’s one room free here. If you can help me with the rent you can stay as long as you want.“ „wow, i Have like no money at all at the moment“ „yeah.. you’re in new york. We’ll get you a job somehwere. We’ll get through this.“

 As you lay down in the bed Rony had prepared for you , your best friend sits down on your bed for moment again looking at you „Heads up girl. We got this.“ „ Do you….do you think John and I will ever meet again? It feels wrong seeing it end like that but…“ „He’s a rockstar. I guess you’ll just have to turn on your TV“ „Thats not what I meant…“ „I know you idiot.“ Rony laughs, but imideatly realizes that jokes are no good idea right now.

 „ I hope you can maybe meet again. But for now, let time pass. You’re in New York now and he is in California. Maybe you should give up these california dreams for now. We’ll find you a job and maybe a good therapist. And thats really all that matters now. You, being okay.“

 Before You fall asleep you keep on seeng John in your head. The shock in his eyes. Like he knew how much he’d hurt you. Looking back now,it didnt seem like he looked like he got ‚caught‘ but more like he was worried about you and how seeing his face on that magazine would make you feel. And the moment he tried to say something…you just cut him off. You didnt give hime a chance to speak…. What if.. what could have been….

 No. Give up your california dreaming for now, Jolene.

[m-yg93]

I am so privileged to have been allowed early access to this masterpiece. I have been holding onto the bro's identity secret for A YEAR and I finally get to scream about it.

Not after legitimately missing your company.

Fuck. Seriously, he needs to quit.

Quit what??? The task that he can't focus on or her because only one of those is acceptable. 😠

Namjoon and Hoseok in the studio but no brother mention. Hmmm 👀

How long has Jungkook been around the group? I wonder if Yoongi ever had doubts about him getting near reader in the past. 🤔

Never had a bad fuck in his life? Hmm, maybe my Jungkook theory is a little off then but I still have my eye on you, kid.

Wait, who is he so obsessed with??? He just saw her? All my Jungkook theories aren't making sense anymore. Unless... 😯 Very odd timing for the appearance of leftovers is all I'm saying.

He's so worried about not getting a text from his girl. Someone's secretly clingy 🤫

Boy is so far in his denial he's going to dodge the L word anyway he can.

FUCK THAT LITTLE BITCH. Reader said her past relationships were shit anyway so no matter what regrets this pathetic bitch has he's NOT WORTH IT.

I don't know if all my JK theories are 100,% accurate but saying he fucked her and made her feel like shit about it seems to be. Gonna go meet him in the parking lot if Yoongi doesn't get to him first.

You were able to pull him upward.

Is he really about to let go?

Maybe lol have 2 idiots to beat up in the parking lot after all 🤦🏼‍♀️

I'm so upset. This dumb idiot and his stupid isolating coping mechanism.

And two, which is the much worse point: how would things have worked between him and you?

Well you need to learn how to use your words for that first 🙄

If he’s gonna bow out, he’s gonna do all the shit he wants to do first. One last time before reality fully severs the string that shouldn’t have tethered to your heart.

NOBODY SAID YOU HAD TO DO THAT 🗣🗣

“Wait, you’re still coming over?”

YES BECAUSE IT’S YOU SHE WANTS.

And here's our last character! Seokjin is also brother's friend so who is the brother??? I know and soon every reader will too.

She brought him tangerines to celebrate the year?? Sign me up for horny and emotional.

If he doesn't get over this emotional constipation bullshit I'm going to need to hit him over the head.

My girl’s going to hustle. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Or you know, communicate your feelings so you don’t need to get hustled at all.

If it had been me in that tense moment and going out on a line to say I announced to someone that I was "taken" and Yoongi hit me back with that joke I would have slapped him. 😐

He's so annoying!!! 😡

Me 🤝 Reader

🥊🥊🥊

That little brat stealing our couples cute little lunch 😤👊

They're both idiots on a good day, I don't need Jungkook and his bullshit to come mess with my babies. He's been involved in this storyline for half a second and I want him REMOVED.

Yoongi not only thinking he’s not good enough but now also feeling like JK is a threat is so sad. She’s been so cleary all about Yoongi and so supportive but this idiot is still self sabotaging.

“This isn’t what I want.”

The way my heart STOPPED because I know this idiot and her 3 braincells was going to misinterpret it and I was worried she'd run out immediately.

“I want all of it.”

Finally, the smartest thing he’s said through this situation so far.

They share a total of 5 braincells I swear to god. I never expected them to have a cute fluffy confession because Yoongi is a broken mess and reader has even more anxiety than I do and that's saying something. But they are SO DUMB. I HATE THESE 2 IDIOTS.

“Your dick is big and I wanna suck it.”

...you know what? I cant fault her for that one.

“That’s what I don’t get. You don’t need to do anything, I just… You make things make sense.”

“Oh.”

“And you…” He sighs. “You make me feel safe.”

Thats the closest to "I love you" that we've gotten and I'M HURT.

Only they could go from literally sobbing in each other's arms to goading banter as foreplay at the drop of a dime.

It took us NINE chapters for Yoongi to demand she sits on his face. Finally!

Oh he's being nasty nasty, I see 🥴

Babe, baby, love, MINE 😭

So if brother mentioned Seokjin himself and Yoongi walks in with both Namjoon and Hobi but they're only vaguely familiar that means the brother's identity is....

🥁🥁🥁🥁

Not a Tannie Ryen mentioned how the brother was going to be an OC in a random text post last year and my little swiss cheese brain somehow decided that was important information and kept it stowed away this whole time.

Dom is my girl. Don't come to me looking for comfort, I am the friend that will end a situation but definitely not lightly.

Jimin always pops up right when he needs to to save the day.

Kook needs to talk his shit but at least I'm not worried because my babies kind of used their words and are secure together. 🖤

forfeit (3tan) (m) | myg

title: forfeit (m) pairing: 3tan!yoongi x reader(f) series: masterlist | three tangerines | fireworks | house party | basketball | stay | sidewalk talk | friends | dalo | like that | anytime | sundress season | yoongi’s interlude rating/genre: m (18+) ; angst , fluff , smut ; brother’s best friend au, implied age gap au summary: something is up with yoongi. note: alright, y’all. i won’t say much here, other than thank you. thank you all endlessly for the support that you’ve shown me and this series thus far. it’s been one heck of a ride, and a huge part of that is bc of all of you. i will leave the rest of my mushy thoughts for the end bc the wait for this has been long enough!  note 2: if you haven’t read the three tangerines series yet, read the other parts first! it will all make more sense. lastly, this chapter wasn’t beta’d bc i wanted it to be a surprise for everyone!  warnings: pov switch (just one), cursing, house party, yoongi in glasses<33, angst, choking, crying, pen*tration, studio talk, jk is here and he is blond lmao, BRO REVEAL FINALLYYY, hair/head pulling, hitting from the back, protected s*x, uhhhhhhh 34+35 l o l, oral (f/m rec), rough s*x, kissing (yes, this is a warning and i’m warning u that it’s a warning), a struggle, spanking, assss play, yoongi is rude, overthinking, did i say angst?, alcohol, weed mention, spitting, manhandling, cowgirl, the chains!! stay!! on!!, body worship, obligatory ‘yoongi on the phone’ warning :)) drop date: october 25th, 2022, 7:17pm est word count: 22.6k holy hell

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“You in all day, too?”

Keep reading

[shadowed-moonrise]

ooc: elia and ashka chat logs

[ooc comments supposed to be removed but i might have missed some. there is a Lot of logs bc we forgot to post until now]

shadowed-moonrise

oh my god what is WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE

shadowed-moonrise

i got some horrifying anons!!! theyre so horrifying!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

hang on let me turn off my blacklist for a moment

uh

uh

quick question: what the fuck

(not directed at you!)

shadowed-moonrise

i just

like

wow????

they sent me a followup ask like 'didnt you read what i said, my gf likes it'

shadowed-moonrise

and............... i dont....... think she does

like that does not sound like a healthy relationship and i hope they just made it up to creep on me

flameofcertainty

"hi i'm a rapist"

"wtf"

"no but she likes when i rape her"

i just

*what the fuck*

shadowed-moonrise

right

WHAT THE FUCK.

shadowed-moonrise

i was just talking earlier abt how i dont actually like that anybody can read my hyper posts but i make them on publicblog for like Awareness right?

shadowed-moonrise

and i thought i meant like abstractly, like maybe theres somebody reading them and cackling bc they dont agree w/ my politics or whatever?

but APPARENLTY

APPARENTLY

people will send me creepy asks about raping their hyper gf

flameofcertainty

some people are just really terrible?

i guess?

what are they even getting out of this?

shadowed-moonrise

i think some people just........ enjoy making other people suffer????

or maybe somehow they thought i would be like "i think this is hot or a good thing to do or whatever, thank you for your service to the hypersensitive community"

i dunno what goes on in these peoples head

shadowed-moonrise

heads

flameofcertainty

maybe tumblr just hates hypersensitives or something

it would explain a lot

shadowed-moonrise

like, okay, but what would you hate hypersensitives for

like theres somebody who hates hypos (and IS A NAT THERAPIST, AUGH) for.... not hating pollution enough, i guess

but hypersensitives are boring? we dont go outside much bc the outside is fully of scary?

flameofcertainty

maybe tumblr is just weird like that?

or maybe we're easy targets?

shadowed-moonrise

oh yeah that makes sense

flameofcertainty

most meso folks don't have a button they can press to get a reaction out of us

shadowed-moonrise

if you wanna make somebody suffer its so easy to target people with a big 'make me suffer' button

flameofcertainty

right

shadowed-moonrise

ugh im sort of regretting making it public

i could have just not mentioned it and had a really good blacklist

flameofcertainty

most of the time people aren't that bad

and then there'll be a week or two

where people send you nothing but asks about pollution

shadowed-moonrise

i blacklist some stuff but im generally okay talking about pollution if its like, abstract, so i dont do it that aggressively and then........ sometimes............. people take advantage of that

shadowed-moonrise

i wish you could like, have vulnerabilities without people just randomly deciding to fuck with you for no reason

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

hang on

i just scrolled down

>i’ll put my foreign object ;;;;) in your body ;;;;) ;;;;)

***what the fuck***

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

oh GOD

i just got

another

flameofcertainty

oh no

how bad is it

shadowed-moonrise

bad enough im not sure i should tell you what it says

flameofcertainty

my brain is helpfully providing suggestions

why is it like this

are you okay

shadowed-moonrise

im.... probbly going to be in a minute

fuck

"the last "person" to hide their caste on this hellsite turned out to be red. i bet you aren't even hyper, you're just pretending so people won't suspect. i know what you really are."

thats what it says

flameofcertainty

aaaaaaaa

what the fuck

flameofcertainty

why would anyone send that to you

shadowed-moonrise

i dont know

i dont know

what did i *do*

flameofcertainty

i don't know

fuck

i guess if they think you're red that would explain why they hate you?

but seriously

what the fuck

flameofcertainty

i'm so sorry

flameofcertainty

why would anyone say that

shadowed-moonrise

anon hate doesnt usually get to me like this but

sob

why

the fuck

i dunno if they even really think that or they just want to upset me

flameofcertainty

i don''t

i don't know

fuck i'm so sorry

are you going to be okay

shadowed-moonrise

yeah. yeah.

flameofcertainty

is there anything i can do

shadowed-moonrise

i dont

think so

flameofcertainty

other than not be the sort of terrible person who would send those messages

shadowed-moonrise

thamk you for not being htat sort of person!

im so glad most people arent

flameofcertainty

it's really not hard

shadowed-moonrise

oh i can... go take some eytelia right now

it will only help in 40min but i might still need it then

shadowed-moonrise

brb

shadowed-moonrise

ok back

flameofcertainty

okay

anyways what the fuck

shadowed-moonrise

someday i will have coping mechanisms other than "get high in a way that coincidentally also helps"

flameofcertainty

i mean if it helps

then that's a lot better than nothing

shadowed-moonrise

yeah it is

shadowed-moonrise

im gonna go curl up and not look at the Fuckening Internet, i guess

flameofcertainty

seems reasonable

shadowed-moonrise

ttyl <3

flameofcertainty

ttyl :)

shadowed-moonrise

hiiiiiiiiiiii im back im not sad anymore because im so high

shadowed-moonrise

i got another horrible anon and i dont even caaaare

flameofcertainty

i'm glad you're feeling better

sorry about the terrible anon

shadowed-moonrise

also did you know art is pretty

its so pretty

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i saw a video of a yellow playing the yellowest instrument ever and i wanted to send it to you but tumblr messages werent working on my everything

maybe i can find it again..........

shadowed-moonrise

http://theyre-a-geeky-witch.tumblr.com/post/138457594516/ here

flameofcertainty

that's actually really pretty

flameofcertainty

thanks

flameofcertainty

anyways what's up

shadowed-moonrise

i gotta work in a couple hours

by which time hopefully i will be able to handle it

idk i dont HATE it but its hard on the badbrains

flameofcertainty

i can imagine

shadowed-moonrise

like i feel ok now bc hiiiiiigh but im not very excited about leaving the house and going places

shadowed-moonrise

there will be a green party where im supposed to just pretend to be green tho!

i like those

flameofcertainty

that part sounds nice

at least

shadowed-moonrise

ive been thinking & writing a lot about how thinking-on-drugs works and greens always wanna talk about that

shadowed-moonrise

one time a client had me go to a thing pretending to just be green and it was nice and then she *told everyone she hired me* while i was in the middle of talking about my cs paper (my actual cs paper, which i actually wrote, and she implied i didnt even though i CLEARLY THOROUGHLY UNDERSTOOD IT)

flameofcertainty

???

why would she do that??

shadowed-moonrise

i wish i had just walked away but i didnt know what to do

some people....... have a humiliation kink

shadowed-moonrise

and like, okay, ill do that if you WARN ME, but you cant just spring it on me???

flameofcertainty

i am super not a sex worker but "tell people in advance" seems really obvious

shadowed-moonrise

YEAH

shadowed-moonrise

i didnt really say anything at the time bc i was so shocked but later i like messaged her and was like 'thats super fucked up'

shadowed-moonrise

she didnt really get it but she agreed to pay me extra for like, i didnt know what service i was providing beforehand & thats more costly

but she only engaged with it in like, super businessy terms

flameofcertainty

how does she not get it

this does not seem particularly hard to understand

shadowed-moonrise

i think she was like 'im paying you for both sex work and going to a party so i can just like do whatever, right?'

and there was also some like 'greys are toys'

shadowed-moonrise

fucking blues

shadowed-moonrise

i do not usually go in that much for caste solidarity because im so bad at grey + greys are not great about that but in that moment if somebody asked me i would have supported a military government

i could explain 'pay people for services and also lay out terms beforehand' but not 'greys are.... people..... dont be a fucking asshole'

flameofcertainty

i don't think i've ever actually talked to a blue

at least not to say more than "excuse me, can i get through" or "the soap is in aisle five"

huh

shadowed-moonrise

there... exist blues who are okay

there even exist blues who are okay and hire sex workers and do kinky things about castes with them

flameofcertainty

i believe you

shadowed-moonrise

like 80% of the people who hire me are entirely fine?

flameofcertainty

they can't possibly all be terrible

otoh a terrible blue can screw you over a lot more than a terrible purple

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

im not sure what i would do if a blue client did something illegal to me because...................................... im not sure what i CAN do

flameofcertainty

probably depends on how illegal

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

and who they are

flameofcertainty

yeah

there are supposed to be reporting systems in place if they try to pay you to kill someone or something

idk if they actually do that

shadowed-moonrise

nobody has tried that and i havent heard anybody talking about that but im pretty niche and a lot of my family is green, idk

i feel like if somebody wanted to pay a grey to kill somebody theyd pick one who has ever held a gun

flameofcertainty

probably

but yeah, i'm guessing if you made an important blue mad they could screw you over pretty badly

idk

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

ugh sorry ive been talking about my shit this whole time

it has been kind of A Day i swear i am usually better at conversation

flameofcertainty

it's totally fine!

shadowed-moonrise

how is your day anyay

flameofcertainty

it's been okay

mira and i went to check out that social-dancing place

shadowed-moonrise

oooh

what kind of dance is it?

i guess i might not know purple dances??

flameofcertainty

i don't know if the name will translate

it's mostly the kind you do in a group with other people that's really traditional

shadowed-moonrise

group dances are great

if you have... similar amounts of motor skills to the other people

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

i haven't done anything like it in years and i'm really bad at it but it's still fun

and i'm not bad at it in a stepping-on-feet way

which is probably good, idk

shadowed-moonrise

im pretty sure not stepping on feet is strictly better than the alternative!

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

omg babybro is home <33

flameofcertainty

baby!!!

shadowed-moonrise

he is so good!!!!!!

he taaalks and he plays with me and ive been teaching him abstract concepts bc i find it really exciting when he knows abstract concepts

flameofcertainty

tell me more about this baby

shadowed-moonrise

he can do numbers up to twelve and circles and triangles and 'many' and 'other' and i asked him what one plus one was and he said 'two ones' which means he *actually understands what it means*

he has adooorable curly hair

and a little nose

and he will boop my nose with his nose if i ask him to

and he loves my weighted blanket

flameofcertainty

baaabbyyyy

what a good baby

shadowed-moonrise

i guess at this point he might not 'technically' be a baby anymore? but hes a baaaabbbyyy

[lemme edit a picture of my irl little brother to have green hair]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/fa8d578702cf6c0ed9269902f535982a/tumblr_messaging_p7ryailotL1vio47i_1280.png

https://78.media.tumblr.com/b8ec991036777a0f24c9ed84a194d921/tumblr_messaging_p7ryanbD931vio47i_250.png

baby!!!! <333

second picture featuring Grey Grandma

flameofcertainty

baby!!!!

baaaabbbbyyyyy

he's so smol

shadowed-moonrise

so small!!!!!

and smiley!!!!

flameofcertainty

happy baby!

shadowed-moonrise

i hope he is happy foreeeeever

shadowed-moonrise

his lil nose is tan bc it gets in the sun more than the rest of his face

bc he has a little baby face!!!!!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

little baby face on the little happy baby!!!!

he's so good

shadowed-moonrise

hes next to me playing with my blanket

i looove him

flameofcertainty

what a good baby

shadowed-moonrise

i told him i was talking a friend and he says hi

although im not sure he really gets the idea of the internet yet

he seemed kinda confused

flameofcertainty

hi baby-sibling-of-ashka

flameofcertainty

he's such a cute baby

shadowed-moonrise

his name is avidik

we keep arguing about whether to use avi or idi as a nickname

flameofcertainty

hi avidik!!

shadowed-moonrise

oh no he spilled water on the carpet

its alright its a pretty waterproof carpet

he ran at me and jumped in my arms

so!!!! good!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

eeee

flameofcertainty

baby

flameofcertainty

good baby

shadowed-moonrise

oh also have you seen this yellow violinist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGhPGH2YROA

seems like your kind of thing

flameofcertainty

wow that's pretty

shadowed-moonrise

oh i could take a picture of avi with my violin

he is not green, technically

although he also does not know how to play even a little bit

flameofcertainty

do you play violin too?

shadowed-moonrise

a little

shadowed-moonrise

im not like good at it

but it is fun

rn i am mostly actually learning to sign but i dont understand how notes correspond to mouth sounds so if i need to sightread i play songs on the violin first and then once ive heard them i can sing them

flameofcertainty

violin is great

shadowed-moonrise

it is!!!

i always felt like i should learn piano bc its easy but i like violin so much

one of my other brothers writes a lot of synth music

its really good

he plays it without telling us it's his to get unbiased answers and then he tells us and were like HOLY SHIT

flameofcertainty

gosh

flameofcertainty

that's really sweet

shadowed-moonrise

ok i’m not really online but I TAUGHT AVIDI A LETTER

HE KNOWS A LETTER

i’m so proud of him

shadowed-moonrise

hi hi

flameofcertainty

hi

a letter!

what a good smol!

flameofcertainty

which letter is it?

i guess it might not be a letter orvaran has

shadowed-moonrise

it's [forcetranslate]a[/forcetranslate]

or uh

[forceliteral]a[/forceliteral]

shadowed-moonrise

idk if that worked

flameofcertainty

yeah

we have that sound but it's written differently

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

it's the last one in my name

[preservecharacter] a [/preservecharacter]

shadowed-moonrise

oh

i wonder if its always the same sound

i think it can make a couple sounds in anitami

flameofcertainty

just one in orvaran

flameofcertainty

maybe two

i'm not sure if they're technically separate sounds

and then there's accents and things

shadowed-moonrise

idk if i should try to teach him to read in valtaz

he speaks some but tbh there is just no situation where you even need to be able to read valtaz

flameofcertainty

maybe someday he'll want to swap to yvalta

for some reason

shadowed-moonrise

.............i really doubt it?

i guess if he wants to retire in the Old Country

flameofcertainty

i hear older people sometimes swap for the weather

flameofcertainty

or something

shadowed-moonrise

there are apps to machine translate physical signs and stuff but i guess theyd be annoying to use all the time

flameofcertainty

yeah

if he knows valtaz he can learn to read it if he ever wants to

right?

i'm not really sure how this works

'how to teach your family foreign languages' wasn't really covered in purple school

shadowed-moonrise

i think i should probably teach him the alphabet but not like focus on it

yeah my parents swapped out of yvalta with some retirees who wanted to go there for the weather and were unaffected by the horrible contract system bc they were too old to have more kids anyway

flameofcertainty

i can't really think why else you'd want to live there

flameofcertainty

lineality maybe

but there are other matrilineal countries

shadowed-moonrise

arent most countries matrilineal?

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i think historically matrilineal was easier because like..... there can be ambiguity about who the father is if you dont have good genetic testing (and a database, in some cases), but you can always tell which person a baby literally just came out of

flameofcertainty

that makes sense for why

we're matrilineal

maybe someone who lived in ceredan would swap to yvalta for lineality, ceredan does permissions anyways

except for blues i think

shadowed-moonrise

how do blues even have kids in permissions countries

shadowed-moonrise

"ashka your family is from a permissions country" its not like they talked to blues a bunch

flameofcertainty

i think they have to impress other blues

probably they don't let you give yourself a permission

because then everyone would just do that

shadowed-moonrise

.....how many kids does the most important blue get to have tho

flameofcertainty

no idea

i think it varies by country

the one with the bears and no greys makes a big deal about the monarch only getting two

shadowed-moonrise

i guess with blues its always more "how many kids is it a good idea to have so that they can give them all a good inheritance" than "how many kids can they literally afford"

aww thats kinda cute

shadowed-moonrise

if i lived in a country where the king had like six kids i would be pretty pissed

flameofcertainty

good inheritances might be less important in permissions countries

i bet the way you impress people is with politics

or maybe real estate if you're bribing people, idk

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

it’s impressive that most permissions countries basically function okay

cuz like it seems like blues having to care so much about impressing other blues would mess with things

flameofcertainty

yeah

i don't think they function as well as most places

but that could just be propaganda

shadowed-moonrise

yeahhh idk how to tell the difference between “permissions countries kind of suck” and “permissions countries are usually small, often ex-oahk, etc, which makes stuff harder on them” and “our governments just don’t like them”

i’m low key impressed that blues in auction countries don’t make too many blue credits so they’ll be cheaper, tbh

i guess they super don’t make those decisions in spring + the international community would not be too happy about it

flameofcertainty

everyone i know from a permissions country says they suck but that's like two people

and if you increase blue credits everyone who isn't blue gets mad

shadowed-moonrise

my parents say yvalta sucks and i believe them but like idk how much it’s yvalta’s *fault*

flameofcertainty

i think the big thing is if for some reason a blue hates you a permissions granting blue can screw you over way more than a credit country blue

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that’s a big deal

idk a credit country blue can probably get you sterilized if they try really hard but it would take them more trying

flameofcertainty

yeah maybe

flameofcertainty

i've never heard of that happening in a credit country but that doesn't mean it never does

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

shadowed-moonrise

anitam is trying out a first child subsidy

which is neat i thin

think

flameofcertainty

cool

are they subsidizing the whole credit?

or just some of it

shadowed-moonrise

noooo theyre starting with like 4%

shadowed-moonrise

and increasing gradually

bc you know how changing laws goes

sooooo sloooowwwww

flameofcertainty

i guess 4% is better than nothing

shadowed-moonrise

but eventually it will be a substantial fraction of the credit i think

flameofcertainty

but probably good not to do it all at once

i know there's some countries where everyone gets one and the rest are auctioned

shadowed-moonrise

first kid free just seems so much more humane? like i understand why credits are useful and stuff but people *just not getting a kid at all ever* is awful

flameofcertainty

summary bank says alavet, av valdin, celenta, fnr, ochero, qoloc

maybe some random tiny countries that no one bothered to include

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

on the list, i mean

and yeah, i see what you mean

i wouldn't want to live in a voan country because i like knowing that if i work really hard i could get three

but it makes me sad to think about people with zero

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

flameofcertainty

i mean probably some people should get zero, like child abusers, but an auction's not going to stop them

shadowed-moonrise

hm i bet in voan/first kid free systems there’s probably a lot of four and five year olds impulsively having kids that they’re not entirely ready for but idk like maybe that’s just something they get to do

flameofcertainty

okay i'm looking at the summary bank article about the voan system

and the age when the most people have their first kid is five

flameofcertainty

but that's not most of the people

if that makes sense

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

i know when i was almost-four they made a big deal in school about how we should all get long-term all-spring birth control

i bet they do that in voa

i guess i don't know for sure

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i saw someone on tumblr talking about how they usually get the long term birth control and they get went on vacation to the southern hemisphere and just didn’t remember that they didn’t have the birth control and got pregnant

(they were asking if you can still get aftermarket credits in the *fall*)

:(

flameofcertainty

wow

that must suck

:(

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i hope they managed to get an aftermarket credit

flameofcertainty

yeah

i bet they're cheaper in fall

since most people aren't getting pregnant

i definitely wouldn't want to have a kid with anyone i dated when i was four but maybe some people get really lucky there

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that’s a lot of what i’m thinking about like.... most people don’t know people who are definitely good coparents for them when they’re four

shadowed-moonrise

because it just takes time to figure that out

flameofcertainty

i'd've also been a really bad parent when i was four but some of that is me-things

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that toooo

i’m four and i’m super not ready to be a parent!!

shadowed-moonrise

i feel like i know how to be a good parent in THEORY but in practice i don’t like have the energy or emotional stability

avidi was born the spring i turned four, which was really good <3

flameofcertainty

that's so good

when i was four i was living with a friend rather than my parents

but if someone had dropped a baby on me i'd have been so unprepared

and my friend was living with their parents

flameofcertainty

so there were actual responsible people in the apartment

shadowed-moonrise

nodnodnod

shadowed-moonrise

fall/winter when i was three i was spending a lot of time with friends in other cities and stuff to get awaaay but then they there suddenly like “you know what, we’re having another baby this spring” so i came back

there are some upsides to the fact that my green mom has grey babies.......

flameofcertainty

i have a little sister

i've never actually met her

maybe someday i'll be able to make myself

shadowed-moonrise

oh wow i’m so sorry

flameofcertainty

it's not your fault

shadowed-moonrise

if you want to talk about it, or be distracted from it, or whatever-

flameofcertainty

if you want the story today's a good day for me to tell it

otoh it's definitely pollution-adjacent and i don't know if it's a good day for you

shadowed-moonrise

i think i can handle it, it is a good hypersensitivity day for me

flameofcertainty

so during the voan food crisis we couldn't afford clean food past the first couple months

you'd think living on a farm would help but it had been a bad year the previous year and none of our crops were coming up that season

shadowed-moonrise

oh. oh.

flameofcertainty

and i tried to force myself to eat the polluted food but i couldn't even make myself touch it

that's not the thing yet

so i was at risk of starving to death

and my mom got one of the neighbors to give her a super sketchy probably-illegal loan

flameofcertainty

because otherwise i might literally die

shadowed-moonrise

fuck

flameofcertainty

fast forward to 3423, the neighbor comes and asks for the money back

actually he'd been doing that for a while but she'd been able to put him off

we were super not going to be able to pay it back

and the loan was sketchy enough that she wasn't really sure what would happen if she didn't

just that it would probably be worse than normal

i

i told her i thought it would be okay

when she asked

flameofcertainty

if she

flameofcertainty

people remember fall 3422 as the introduction of the orvaran system

that was just lathande

spring 3423 was when they rolled it out everywhere

even small farming towns need someone to collect garbage, and the jobs paid really well

they had to, if they wanted to find enough people

i thought i'd be okay

shadowed-moonrise

oh

fuck.

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

i was really really wrong

so wrong

shadowed-moonrise

......yeah wow

flameofcertainty

that's why i wound up moving in with a friend, if i'd stayed there a week longer i'd

it wouldn't have been good

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

flameofcertainty

they didn't try to stop me

which is good

would've been silly for them to go to all that work just for me to end up dead anyways

shadowed-moonrise

hey you survived

flameofcertainty

i did

shadowed-moonrise

it was super worth it for them to do it becuase you survived

flameofcertainty

yeah

i know intellectually she's clean

but trying to be in the same room as dad or my older brother is about the same as lighting myself on fire, brain-wise

and if it's her it's worth

*worse

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

can you talk to them online or does that not work either

flameofcertainty

not really

flameofcertainty

they have my email address

they tell me things like 'you have a sister now'

she tried leaving the job once she had enough money to pay the guy back

flameofcertainty

to see if it would help, you know

flameofcertainty

it. uh. didn't.

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

i was born in 23, which. is good. because if i found out i/my parents had eaten polluted food when i was a baby

shadowed-moonrise

colorjustice says that almost all unverifiable food was actually not polluted but

shadowed-moonrise

well maybe if i payed them enough i could go through the like fucking six month cleaning process? and maybe after that it would be okay?

but im not sure it would be enough

flameofcertainty

yeah

i know what you mean

if i'd been a year younger and they'd told me it was clean i'd've believed them

if i'd been a year older i'd probably just have killed myself

flameofcertainty

one of my friends from the treatment program

uh

didn't make it

shadowed-moonrise

i had a friend in school

who was hyper, worse than me

way worse

shadowed-moonrise

he was *going to school* but just barely, he had to take a bunch of meds with a bunch of side effects to get out of the house at all

shadowed-moonrise

and he was a year older than me

flameofcertainty

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

so their class learned about the food crisis? and he left school that day like normal and he took the train home and he got in the shower with his clothes on and took all his meds at once

flameofcertainty

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

they told me he killed himself but nobody would *tell me why* because like i was hyper too and they were worried about copycat stuff

i stayed in touch with his mom, she told me later

she FOUND him

flameofcertainty

i'm so so sorry

shadowed-moonrise

that

shadowed-moonrise

i cant imagine

finding your dead child

it was pretty hard on me but she was really never the same

flameofcertainty

yeah

wow

that's

i don't really have words

:(

:( :( :(

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

he was an only child

flameofcertainty

:(

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

shadowed-moonrise

i think they were sort of saving for another credit but they ended up spending a lot of money on like, building a room for him where he would feel clean, and stuff

and afterwards, it's not like she was going to have another kid after what happened

flameofcertainty

right

shadowed-moonrise

they wanted to take me out of class for the segment on the food crisis for, you know, obvious reasons, but that was winter when i was three and i’d already found out from like being online and reading stuff so i guessed what it was? and they freaked the fuck out when i was like “are you just worried about me finding out about the voan food crisis”

flameofcertainty

were they hoping to just ... pretend it never happened? forever?

it's not like it's easy not to learn about, if you use the internet

shadowed-moonrise

i guess i was going to Find Out When I Was Older

or something

shadowed-moonrise

i mean i understand the thinking there, like the last time was horrible and i could really just have found out later

shadowed-moonrise

the last time being my friend

flameofcertainty

yeah

i see where they were coming from

flameofcertainty

my school kept me out of class for anything pollution-related but obviously they weren't going to stop me from finding out about the food crisis

shadowed-moonrise

......yeah

i am so sorry you had to live through that

flameofcertainty

thanks

flameofcertainty

my parents thought about having me do online school while it was happening

shadowed-moonrise

it was like really really irresponsible to just tell my friend and i’m like not sure what happened there

flameofcertainty

i don't know

flameofcertainty

mesosensitives can be really bad at guessing what's going to hurt us

shadowed-moonrise

part of it is just that grey schools aren’t that well equipped for..... dealing with....... disability, i guess?

flameofcertainty

i had a classmate who thought it would help me not starve if she vividly described what it was like to eat polluted food

shadowed-moonrise

..........what

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i mean, i guess it’s good that they tried to help

but. WHAT

flameofcertainty

our teacher moved the seating chart so i wouldn't have to sit next to her

and gave me permission to not go to the cafeteria during lunch

but yeah, i am really not sure how she came to that conclusion

shadowed-moonrise

yeah wow

flameofcertainty

i guess if she thought i was going to starve to death unless she did something

shadowed-moonrise

sometimes i wish i could just live in a hyper colony

shadowed-moonrise

even though like i’m sort of a weird hyper? they might have called it sensitivity disorder nos if i didn’t take so many decontam showers for no reason

but it would still be BETTER

flameofcertainty

there would be a lot of nice things about that

on the other hand sometimes i hear about a hyper person thinking something is polluted and my brain decides 'oh, they must be right'

even though it was fine before

and i bet that would happen a lot more

shadowed-moonrise

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

if we all thought that the UNION of the things we thought were polluted were polluted.......

we would die very quickly, i guess

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

“oh this one guy (MADE UP) said water is polluted so uh goodbye cruel world i guess”

flameofcertainty

and even without that we'd need robots or something

to take care of garbage

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i think robots are more of a political problem than a technological one, maybe we could get away with “look we’re a hyper colony we can’t even TALK TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD most days much less murder anybody”

flameofcertainty

i think it's like

flameofcertainty

if people spent a decade developing them then they'd have them

but they aren't mostly, because of the politics

shadowed-moonrise

right that makes sense

flameofcertainty

i'm fine with mesosensitives most days, but then *sometimes* it's like they decided to figure out how to be maximally terrible

shadowed-moonrise

honestly so many jobs should be automated not bc pollution but just bc they could be and those people could then do a more skilled job or live in the country and make art or whatever but we can’t build robots at all bc of the political thing

like assembly lines could go a lot more automated than they are and then we’d just be richer and fewer as a society

shadowed-moonrise

i feel very Solidarity with hypos but sometimes..... they too........ are the worst

maybe we could get nice hypos for our colony to take care of us

flameofcertainty

maybe

flameofcertainty

there are totally nice hypos but there are also hypos who do things like put untagged photos of pollution on the internet

shadowed-moonrise

yeah it really varies a lot

shadowed-moonrise

sometimes talking to hypos is calming bc mesos are like “but MY pollution instinct says this isn’t polluted” and that doesn’t help me at all but i have an amateur theologian hypo friend who can just talk me through the theological position and that helps a lot more

flameofcertainty

it's good that you have that

flameofcertainty

and we're not perfect either

there are hypersensitives who think orvaran system workers need to all be executed

or that if you don't do [insert absurdly specific thing here] you're not really hyper

flameofcertainty

like i can't handle being around mom but i don't want people to murder her

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i definitely like

think that there’s an objective position on pollution

shadowed-moonrise

and it’s probably not exactly the theological one but it’s closer to that than to my paranoia

shadowed-moonrise

and honestly like... i *get* it but it just takes an insane amount of arrogance to be like, “of all the billions and billions of people with pollution instincts, mine is the objective truth and everybody else, including an entire scientific field, is wrong”

flameofcertainty

mm

flameofcertainty

oh i also saw this one person saying everyone alive during the food crisis needed to be executed

that one was "fun"

shadowed-moonrise

oh my fucking

fuck that person so much

also how are they planning to run society after they’ve killed everyone over four???????

flameofcertainty

i don't know???

shadowed-moonrise

also i feel a lot of people with proposals involving doing lots of murder........... fail to account for the fact that corpses are polluted

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

anyways

how's life been

shadowed-moonrise

a WONDERFUL PRETTY NICE blue hired me and i might maybe have a crush

flameofcertainty

eeeee congratulations!

shadowed-moonrise

i don’t know how to approach this tho

“hey baby...... i would have sex with you for free (on a good day)”

flameofcertainty

uh

if they've hired you a couple times you could ask? or something?

flameofcertainty

i am kind of bad at relationship advice

shadowed-moonrise

yes i think that i will actually do is like

wait a while and see if he contacts me

and then maybe ask him out or something

flameofcertainty

good luck!!

shadowed-moonrise

how’ve you been

shadowed-moonrise

also, i saw you post an out of stock green and purple scarf and i could try to make you something like it

i can’t do literally that but i’m thinking like getting some white silk and waxing designs on it and then dyeing it one color and then drawing on the designs in the other

this might be totally the wrong way to go about it but it sounds fun

flameofcertainty

gosh, that's really nice of you

flameofcertainty

if you ended up doing this i'd have a couple of sensitivity-related materials requests but i don't think any of them would actually make the project impossible

shadowed-moonrise

i think that kind of project would be fun rn, what are your materials requests?

flameofcertainty

the main one is not from [link to list of countries that have done cleaning and integrated ex-reds]

or eles decontaminatable

*else

but i think that might mess up the dyes?

shadowed-moonrise

ok i can do that

yeah i think it’s probably easier to just buy from not those countries than to try to... decontaminate..... dyes

shadowed-moonrise

like most commercial clothes are decontaminatable and........ have colors but they know what they’re doing and i do not

flameofcertainty

yeah

uh

now i want to do something nice for you, help

shadowed-moonrise

umm i really like [space shoenberg], you could record yourself playing one of his pieces? although idk how much you can do that on just violin

flameofcertainty

i'll try my best

maybe i can find an arrangement or something

shadowed-moonrise

that’s so nice of you

you don’t have to, i’ll like, enjoy the project anyway

i’m not sure how to make green and purple work well as a color combo, do you mind if there’s other colors?