#i just want people to ge able to filter it

[heymeowmao]

2023.06.22 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324915504857874452

bgm: 隆里电丝 (Lonely Dance) - 盛宇DamnShine ft Key.L刘聪

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Welcome! LYN: It's the Dragon Boat Festival today. So I want to wish you peace and health today. That's why I purposely wore green today- to make myself look like a zongzi. In order to celebrate the festival, I made my self look like a zongzi. C: I didn't think you would come. LYN: I just wanted to give you a surprise on the day of the Dragon Boat Festival. C: I knew you would come. LYN: Don't say nonsense, as if you know me very well and can see right through me. PLEASE don't see through me. If you're going to be like that then I'll leave. Bye bye~ I don't like being predictable. Don't guess.

C: This morning my mom and I were talking about you for a long time. LYN: What are you and your mom talking about me for? Did you tell your mom that I would be going to your house to celebrate? That she should be expecting a young kid to come to your house and celebrate the holiday with you, to eat zongzi?

C: Where are the special effects? LYN: The last time you were complaining. I saw someone say they watching the playback and got car sick. So I didn't turn on any of the effects today- only the beauty filters. I've got some brightening and blur going on. I didn't turn on any effects. But since you want to see it, I can turn on a little.

C: I just finished dinner. Have you eaten zongzi yet? LYN: I ate. You don't need to worry about me. My portions have been growing lately, because when I have time I will try to work out. My food intake has been growing.

C: What have you been busy with? LYN: I've been working on dubbing. Yesterday I left a message in the chat- that I've been recording songs. I told that my goal in coming back to Beijing was to work on my album, first, and record for OSTs that I still owe. For the most part, I came to do the dubbing. We've been very detailed with it. I've been using my voice a lot. The reason why I came to stream today was... honestly I almost didn't. I told you- I haven't been streaming lately because I've been needing to use my voice a lot. Lately I haven't been able to do my hair or get styled up- I just brush my teeth and wash my face and I'm out the door. I wear some sweatpants with sneakers and a t-shirt. Very relaxed. I've been eating a lot, too, since I haven't had to be on camera for this period of time. I've gained some weight, but it's okay. I need some strength so I can work out, anyway.

LYN: Yesterday I saw a lot of you couldn't take it anymore and you started commenting that you missed me. I told you I would stream until you threw up but I just don't have the time. I can't stream ALL THE TIME. I should have work to do. It's better for me to work. So... excuse me. But I felt guilty- the last time I streamed was the 6th or 7th?- so I figured it was about time for me to squeeze a stream out.

C: Baby, you're the best. LYN: Don't call me "baby." I see that and am resistant. Don't call me "baby" please, thank you. I'm so old and you're calling me "baby"?? Oh, my goodness. I can't take it. Don't call me that. LYN: Just call me "Ning-ge". If you're older than me, you can call me "Xiao Ning" or if you're younger you can also call me "Liu Yuning".

C: The presents aren't turned off. LYN: Are you serious- Is the gifting option open? I can't close that function myself, I need the weibo staff to do it for me. Let me find a staff member to contact. I'll tell them. C: It's not on. LYN: It's not? Then what are you messing with me for?? It's not on, right? C: It is. LYN: Is what you're seeing the special effects, perhaps? C: I have it. LYN: Well, maybe weibo can tell that you're a big spender. They think that you're not lacking the money, so are giving you this opportunity to exhaust some funds. But I don't need you to spend money on me. C: People are gifting. LYN: Those are special effects, not presents. Those are free! C: I can't send them, but other people can. LYN: Is the age of big technology catering to individual preferences, now? No, right? C: "Send Gift" is presents. LYN: That's not presents though, is it? It's a special effect. I can ask, it's no problem. Don't worry. My weibo live stream is like a benefit for the fans. I want to make sure you get enough. So you don't have to send presents or anything. C: Why don't I have it? LYN: It's not that big of a deal that you have to compete with everyone else!! Why are you so competitive? Just because someone else has something, you have to have it, too?? If you were just as competitive in your studies it would be much better. Why do you have to be competitive when it comes to watching a live stream? It's not worth it. There's no need. If you don't have it, it's okay. Don't send me anything. C: I have it. LYN: What's there to brag about? Stop showing off. Haven't your elders ever taught you not to reveal your wealth?

LYN: Today is June 22nd. I remember when I debuted it was five years ago in June sometime, right? 6/18? No- that's not it. I remember it was near the end of June. As for what specific day, we never set one. It's not like I made a post that read, "Starting from today, I have debuted." But in general it should have been around the end of June, five years ago. Just about. Friends, I've debuted for five years, now. Time goes by so quickly. LYN: Many of you may have started liking me around June, five years ago. Honestly I hadn't officially debuted yet but they had already won. Five years... it's been fast. C: It's been five years since I won the lottery. LYN: If you're going to be like that, then... - ~ Time has really gone by so quickly. Before I knew it, many of you have already spent five years with me. In these five years I've experienced so much but I've also received so much. I want to thank the friends from five years ago who have kept me company along the way until now. Thank you. You've also experienced the happiness, the pain, the troubles, and the ups and downs with me. But it's been five years together- five years. ~ - ! Do you know how I've spent these five years?!? Do you know?? ! - ~ You don't know. ~ LYN: ~ Of course, there are also the friends who have only known me for a year or two, or even more recently. ~ C: Genre switch? LYN: I'm sorry! I have a little... I'm a little crazy. Sorry. I suddenly thought of a scene in a movie: "Five years. Five years!" From Zhang Dehui's (?) movie. C: You scared me to death. LYN: I'm sorry I'm just like this- a little insane. That's why when you're watching my stream you need to keep alert. You can be scared at any moment. But here's the thing- normal people aren't as interesting. You have to encounter someone insane like me every once in a while. They'll give you small surprises and amusement in life. As long as this person is not insane AND harbor ill-intent, I think it's okay. I'm insane. A lot of you are already used to it. LYN: But I still want to thank all the friends who have been by my side until today. Thank you for believing/trusting me and standing on my side if I face any trouble. You've faced it head on with me, and we've come out of it together. Compared to five years ago, I'd say I've become more stable. I'm not as anxious as I was before, worrying about whether I would continue to have work or not or whether I would be needed by people/this industry or not. I'm not as... removed. No longer at a loss (as to my place). I've come to understand a lot. I've experienced all that there is to. So... I want to thank you for staying throughout all of that. Thank you to all the new friends, too. It's a pleasure to know you. I hope we can continue to face the next five years together as well. Thank you.

C: Are we spending the new year? LYN: I don't think so. We'll see. If I'm in a good condition I'll stream a little longer, but if I'm in a bad condition then I'll wrap up early. These days I have a lot of work that requires the use of my voice so please be understanding. If I have time, I'll definitely come to stream. When I'm not streaming- I kid you not- I'll feel guilty. So you really don't need to come and urge me. You don't need to call me out all the time. I know, I have awareness. I know that it's been a long time and I should be streaming, but sometimes when you come push me- of course, I understand, though. Because you all rely on me and want to see me and miss me. That's why sometimes I will force myself to stream. It's a way for me to relieve stress as well.

LYN: It just happens that today is a holiday, so I came to stream. It's all good. I'm happy! I've even worn this zongzi-colored clothes to come meet with you. How thoughtful am I?? Actually, I had thought of the outfit I would wear the next time I streamed. Every time I stream I put a lot of consideration into what I want to look like- because I respect this stage very much. This stage, that lets me show myself. So the last time, I had already thought of what I would wear next. I went online and bought everything I needed- three things in total. Only two of them have arrived. The most important piece isn't here yet. I even contacted customer service today. I told them I was expecting the package on 6/15, but why haven't I received it yet?? I already asked them about this four days ago, too. At that time, they said, "We're sorry. Please expect your package in the next 2-3 business days." So today- it's been four days and they haven't contacted me yet. So I asked them again. They said it was a holiday, so they are taking two days of break. I almost wanted to ask them were they worked, I want to work there, too. But today I am not wearing what I had planned because one of the items has not arrived. The next time I stream I'll give you a surprise.

C: When are you entering the new crew? LYN: What crew? I don't have work. I'm at home, idling. I don't have work. /fake cries/ I've just been at home, crying. I don't have a crew. C: Didn't you say that yourself? That you were entering a crew next month? LYN: The "crew" I mentioned then was a community group that focuses on waste disposal and sanitation. Don't a lot of artists go around Sina to sweep the corridors? (?) I'm not qualified to go, so I'm just going to sweep around my community. Other artists can get a trending topic for doing it, let's see if I can get one too. So I've joined a small... sanitation crew in the community I'm living in right now. Next month I will officially join it. XD C: Come clean up my dorm! LYN: Clean your dorm?? Has chasing stars twisted so much that you want your idol to become your cleaning lady? Also, I want to say, I'm guessing this friend is a girl- if you don't even want to clean your own dorm, you're too dirty aren't you?? Sweep it yourself. Wipe it down. Organize your stuff. Let's be clean and neat.

C: I thought you were going to count beads? LYN: Yeah, I am. I have been, but it's not really a nice thing to do while I'm streaming, is it? So I won't. I don't want to be clacking around- I'm a pretty busy person. The last stream made people dizzy enough already. What if they think it's too annoying and stop watching my streams?

C: What's happening on the 29th? LYN: If I remember correctly, it's some sort of nighttime gala. I might go and sing a song. If you hadn't reminded me, I would have forgotten. Then, I should start losing some weight in the next few days.

LYN: Ever since I left the ZY drama group I've let myself go a little. You might now know but when you're in a drama crew, you'll have about one meal a day. I can't say it's only one meal, rather one proper meal. During lunch you'll eat some rice and sides. All the other times, and especially at night, you don't dare to really eat. Because we're afraid of looking fat when we're on camera. But after we wrapped I headed out to a lot of cities- Shanghai, Hanzhou, Beijing- and I was eating the whole way. Right now I eat three meals a day, at the least. Some days I eat four. So I've been more... heavy.

LYN: You saw this week's episode of Hello Saturday (6/17), right? I took a look at it- oh my goodness. I was so ugly I could d*e. How could I be so ugly? I looked alright when I first got out of the crew, and it'd only been a few days since then. How could I look so ugly on the cameras?? I seemed like I was so bloated. I didn't even have a jawline anymore! I felt like my neck and chin were connected as one. Oh my goodness! What was that?? LYN: Also, my hair was more yellow. I hadn't bleached it to this color yet. But since it was a variety program, the color couldn't be too... vibrant. You'll rarely see a male artist with dyed hair on stage or on a show. You can have it dyed it daily life but for the most part, they don't allow it on shows. But I had to be on the program, so what could I do? It's not like I would dye my hair back just for a show, after all it took for my to bleach it in the first place. So my hair stylist sprayed some dark colorant in my hair, to make it look more neutral. But on the camera you can still tell it's quite messy yellow/orange. It wasn't a wig. It was a spray. But who knew we would be playing with water?? LYN: I'm sure all my fans have seen it already- we were playing with water on that episode. It just so happens, on the episode that I would be on, that we would be playing with water. They had sprayed the color into my hair. If they dumped water on my head it'd turn into black soup on my face. Just- ink, running down my face. What is that?! So I was thinking, maybe I should... not record this episode, and come back next time? But that didn't really work, either. So I went. They saw me in the afternoon, because we still need to do rehearsals, and they commented on my hair color. I told them it would be okay, because I would be spraying temporary coloring into it. They said, "But we're playing with water this afternoon, will it work?" I replied, "I don't know." But the friends who were on that episode were all really nice. They knew that the color was a spray so in order to help me avoid looking ugly they didn't really throw the water onto me. After we finished recording, I even told them "Thank you for looking out for me today." If they had poured the water on me there would just be dark water flowing down and no way we could continue recording. I'd have to go wash my face. LYN: But anyway, I watched the episode and thought, "How could I look so ugly??" Oh my goodness... I felt like I was a fat-headed fish. Everyone else is looking handsome and pretty, but here I was looking like a carp. It's outrageous. So I'll have to start losing weight in preparation of the next time I'm on camera. People always tell me I'm ugly. I worry. >.< I just want to make it so that their words aren't as real. We could sometimes be handsome and sometimes be ugly- and in this way we can mix it up.

C: Did you do your own hair? LYN: I didn't DO it. This is just what it looks like after I got ot of the shower. I don't have the time to style my hair. I need to stream for you, quick.

C: Man, are you questioning my taste (esthetics)? LYN: No- it's just really like this. If you want to compare my visuals with someone else's there's really no competition. I am aware that I am not the "visual" you expect and that's not what I'm banking on anyway. I was a singer, wasn't I? For a singer, the visuals aren't as strict of a requirement. Of course, the more handsome the better. As a singer, if you're handsome and sing well, then your paths to success are slightly smoother than others. But it's not a sure thing. In any case, the more handsome the better. If you include acting, then people are going to start having something against you. There's no helping that. I can understand. As long as I make myself presentable, it's all good.

C: When you enter the drama crew will you dye your hair back? LYN: Of course! If I join a crew I'll dye it back to black or a dark brown. Pure black makes it seem as if you're not lively. Some brown/yellow mixed in is okay too. LYN: Oops. Someone heard something they can use against me. C: I thought you were entering into a community sweeping crew? Why would you need to dye your hair back for that? Are the requirements for entering a community crew so big, that you need to due your hair back?? LYN: Uhm... it's like this. I need to dye it back because when we are cleaning there will be a lot of dust. The dust. If my hair were this color (currently: grey/silver) you wouldn’t be able to tell if it got into my hair. But if it were black and the dust got into it, then you could see it clearly. So I will dye it back so I remember to wash my hair promptly and do a better job at work. LYN: Was that believable? Hm… my original lines aren’t bad! It’s very.. Round? [t/n: pun on “original” (原) and “round” (圆); both pronounced “yuán”.]

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C: I saw the ZY trailer and you looked cool! LYN: Thank you, thank you. I’m happy because I saw a lot of people praising me. But I do have self-awareness and can see where I could have done better. Praising me is a form of support; though I did see the comments that were critical. I’d be afraid it were all praises- there’d really be a problem, then. There SHOULD be people against me. It’s all good. I saw a comment that someone posted and they said, “LYN’s voice is so nice.” :) They said my voice was very nice, and it was “perfect”. Right? And then, at this moment some others couldn’t take it anymore. “Who the heck is LYN? What are you all- have you never had fine dining? His voice? Let me tell you- his lines have absolutely no emotion behind them at all. He’s just banking on the fact that he’s a singer, and his voice is on the nice side. His lines have no emotion!”

LYN: Friends, let me tell you- this commentary is very high. The thing with art is- not saying that I am someone well-versed in art- but art, entertainment, like singing, dancing, acting. If you want to call into question the matter of “art” you just need to say the words “there’s no feeling” and you can’t go wrong. No matter how well someone sings, you just have to say, “There’s no emotion.” That’s another way to put it. Do you understand? You can think about it. That is- I’m over hear singing and I’m in so much suffering that I’m nearly crying, but they can say, “It’s no good. No feeling. I’m not impressed.” This applies to my voice as well, when they say that I say my lines without feeling. First, you have to hear what I’m saying. Let me think of what lines I have… “Do you really think you’re such an outstanding beauty, that you can make me waver?” I have to say this line with EMOTION, right? Let me try. /breathy & slow delivery/ Does that work?? There’s another line, “You want to use a marriage to erase fourteen years of hatred?” /but delivered… kinda cutely/ Does that work? Is it emotional? There’s another line, what is it? “Execute my command. Eliminate the Qiao family. Before this hatred is returned, I won’t marry.” Is it enough emotion? I feel like this person should be speaking on their knees, already. LYN: “Climb on. I’ll carry you back.” // D: Does it have feeling? C: The emotions are here. LYN: But the lines said I shouldn’t use emotion! He has to be cold-hearted! You need to distinguish between individuals. It’s not like everyone can come on screen and speak with ~emotion~. You must not experience many emotions throughout your life (and thus can’t tell), but you want to hear emotion from MY DIALOGUE?? Aiya. LYN: If there really was a character that spoke like that- /light, breathy/- it’s so cheesy!! Who would speak with emotion like that. It’s like something’s ready to happen! [t/n: /eye emoji/ wdym ning-ge….]

LYN: Of course, it’s not like I care about this topic very much. I’m just using it as a point of conversation for my stream. You can listen to it for entertainment. My stream is just like this. I like to take some seemingly strange things and talk about them during my stream so that you can find it interesting. These are the basics to my stream. I’ll look at people’s comments and whether its complimentary or critical, I’ll take those comments and use them as my material for streaming. If I didn’t have all these people picking at me I’m guessing I wouldn’t have much to talk about. What would I come here to tell you? I’d just come to look cool? But then people have said that my visuals are no good, so there’s no way I can pull it off. So the name of the game here is “making fun of myself.”

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C: Ning-ge, do you have a script for your streams? LYN: I have the hand-card. It’s all written on my hand. Let me take a look- The next topic is… okay. I got it.

C: Talk about the next crew. LYN: /laughs/ Is this your first day being my fan? When have I ever been able to tell you the details about my next drama? They haven’t even announced it officially yet. LYN: It used to be like this- I used to be a bit of a big mouth. This was when I first started off in this industry, I didn’t really understand how it all worked. When I had work before, I would be so anxious to tell you all about it! At that time I didn’t know enough of the world. As soon as I got a job I would be so happy and then come to tell you about it. And then two days later the job was poached. /stares into the camera/ Two days later I get a call from the program, “We’re sorry but we’ve encountered some difficulties. Let’s work together next time.” … So! I figured it out- before the contract is signed or completed and before they provide me with payment, I will never tell you. I don’t want to tell you, because if I do, the job is likely to turn pear-shaped. That’s the first thing. Secondly,  whether it is a drama, a show, or whatever project, they all have their own timeline for announcements. You- the male lead or 2ML- can’t just come online and reveal the whole cast. You think I’m a tabloid blog? It doesn’t work. I can’t tell you. C: Have you signed the contract? LYN: … What’s it to you?! LYN: Also, even if the contract is signed, there’s still a possibility of the job falling through. Forget about contracts- some drama reach the filming stage and then fall through. It’s not an impossibility. For a drama, only BEING BROADCASTED counts as having “ended”. If it doesn’t get to air, then even filming it is no use.

C: It’s fine as long as you get the money. LYN: What kind of way of thinking is that? Honestly- If I were only interested in making money and that was the only thing that mattered. How much more money do you think I could make by promoting products? I shouldn’t say that. But I figure if I WERE I would probably be able to make a decent living. It’d be easy for me and I wouldn’t have so much stress, either. I’ll start selling you things- Just 9.9RMB, add it to your cart. ~ How much is market price? How much are we selling it? Only 9.9RMB! Add it to your cart~! ~ I could do that, too! I know how. I figure even with my talents I won’t fall too far behind. LYN: But in the end it’s still about putting your passion into making a product. After having spent four months in a drama crew putting your all into the drama, you still want to make a something that people can see and label as a work. - /continues singing a.. Idk.. online shopping song?/ C: What joke is this? LYN: You must not have seen it. There are a lot of things in this world, that you have to experience before you know what it is. C: Show it to me. LYN: Yeah, yeah.

-/pours sparkling water into his cup/ LYN: ASMR. C: Are you drinking “Snow-Green” (Sprite)? (xue-bi 雪碧) LYN: I’m drinking “Thunder-Green” (Sprite​​ϟ). (lei-bi 雷碧) [t/n: bc the characters for “snow” and “thunder” look a lot alike.] LYN: I’ve been lowering my sugar intake so, I’m not drinking Sprite. It’s sparking water. - [t/n: they’re talking about drinks idk the English names of and can’t figure out, now XD. Skip.]

C: Physical. Physical. LYN: You all keep asking me if I’ve done my physical. Are you TCM practitioners, by chance? Can you tell through seeing my pallor or some maybe facial twitches that maybe I’m ill?? Is that it? You can feel my pulse, somehow? You can diagnose my Wang, Wen, Wen, Qie (Inspection, Listening & Smelling, Interrogation, and Palpation) and all it takes is a look to determine that I am sick? So you want me to quickly go do my physical?? Please, let’s not be like this. Don’t scare me. I have work these days. I’ll pick a day when I have a bit of time and will get myself checked out. I’ll go draw blood and everything. It’s not a rush. Don’t worry. LYN: Some of you have started again, saying that you want to come steal my urine. Are you SICK?? You pervert?! Stop messing around. I’ll go do my physical and you’ll come steal- /sigh/ You must be sick. C: We’l come give you fan support. LYN: I don’t need it. I think when I go I’ll be the only artist there. There’s no one else so you don’t need to come and save a spot or anything. You don’t need to. I don’t need that. No fan support, okay? Be obedient and stay at home. You can await my results.

C: The jokes today are so mysterious. LYN: No, there are no jokes.

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C: You’re so pale you look like a ghost. LYN: /laughs/ Is that a compliment? I saw that they had a “super fan” tacked on to the end of their username but they said I was so pale I look like a ghost. Is that some sort of praise? Don’t people usually describe it like, “You’re as white as a…” Um… what was it again? What’s the best way to compliment someone for being pale? “Cold White Skin (冷白皮)” is it? But what is “white as a ghost”?? But actually they phrased it gently enough, since they’re my fan. If they weren’t they would have phrased it like, “You look pale like you’ve been dead three days. Not even a three-day old corpse would look as white.” LYN: So. That’s just how it is… First- why am I so pale? Let me tell you a secret to being pale. /puts on his product pusher voice/ This is a very good method that I am telling you for free and it’s also very effective. What is it? Let me tell you. First you need some BB Cream in shade no.1. Put some on your face. The next step is to put a very bright white light in front of you. You can see the reflection here in the glass. The third step is to turn your beauty filter’s brightening aspect up to 100%. As long as you do these three steps… even if you were coal, you’d be white.

bgm: Young Captain队长 & ODD Chen Sijian - 超感 (Super Sense)

C: Ning-ge, why don’t you have Zuo Bufan try it. LYN: ZBF’s fine. Even though he may not look as handsome as some of the roles I’ve played before, but he is… a unique character. He’s from a drama of a different kind than my previous and current guzhuang dramas. His role requires this look/appearance. I think it’s great. Isn’t the expectation of dramas nowadays that the story takes precedence over the face? [That an actor’s appearance and performance is different from one drama to the next, so that each character is distinct.] I always see people commenting that an actor’s puts the drama over their face. Right? Rather, if an actor always looks about the same and acts the same in all their dramas, then you would not find them very impressive. LYN: All the roles I’ve played so far- of course, there have been similarities- but in terms of appearance and stature there is always something different. I want to be able to continuously give the viewers something new. Let’s say two dramas happen to air at the same time and you’re watching both but feel like the characters in each drama (but played by the same actor) are the same person- that would be weird. So one look for one drama- I think that’s perfectly acceptable. LYN: Even though I don’t think ZBF is very cool or handsome, his role was very meaningful to me. C: ZBF’s really cool, though! LYN: Wait until the drama airs before you say that. I wonder if you would break your molars trying to say those words after the drama airs. Just you wait.

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LYN: Yesterday I was chatting with my staff. Life has its ups and downs, right? When I first debuted I was down low- because I was internet famous- but slowly after I kept on singing, I started to rise. I’m talking about my reputation. I sang a lot and then people started to realize I was the one who sang Rang Jiu and they were saying, “Not bad!” But then it reaches a point where my reputation starts to go down again, due to some small nonsense issues. Then it started going up again because I was starting to shoot dramas and people liked my roles. It went up until it inexplicably drops again. My life is like this. But lately, because of the YNGS and ZY promos, people are starting to figure that I’m not so ugly in them. I’m okay- visually acceptable, even. Now my reputation is slowly on the rise again. There are just a few more people starting to support me, now. It’s not like before, when people would indiscriminately curse me out. LYN: But we were chatting and I was thinking… will I go through another round of criticism when my next project comes out? I’m starting to worry. I’m already preparing myself for the downward slope. That’s why I want to say- preventatively- IF my next project gets released and people start to criticize me, don’t engage. Please don’t. Just say, “LYN is a rookie actor. We’re working hard to learn from each teacher. We’ll continue to make an effort. Thank you, to all.” LYN: But I discovered a problem the other day. I was very angry after I saw it. Some trailers were released a few days ago and I saw you all liking it. But I noticed that there are some comments- from my own long-time fans, no less- saying that I still need to practice my lines. “I don’t think they’re quite… good enough. You still need practice, lao-da. There’s still a difference between him and professional voice actors. He still has a lot to learn. No good, no good.” I just want to say, friend- fam’?- you don’t need to use such tactics to incite me. Because I already get enough of that from everyone else. Even an idol’s own fans are saying he’s no good?!? You can choose NOT to compliment me, but you CAN’T say I’m not good enough! As if you know very well??? I don’t care what anyone else says about me, but I think that if it’s coming from my FANS that’s really strange. Other people can say what they want, but if my fans tell me I’m not good enough, then what’s the reason that I’m sticking around in this industry?? What am I doing, everyday? I feel like this industry has lost its meaning. I want to go back and be a cook. XD LYN: So… there’s no need for that, ok? If you think I’m not good enough then just bear with it for a while. I will continue to work hard. If you look back on the past five years, you can tell that I am someone who knows what he should be doing. You can rest assured.

---------- /promo time/

LYN: Friends! There’s a drama recently that’s a very good watch. Now, what it is called? Destined (CFD). It’s really very good. So many people in my friends circle are sharing this drama. You have to check it out, because I also sang an OST for it. I choose to believe that the drama’s actor (BJT) was the one to recommend this job to me. I don’t care if it’s true or not, I’m going to attribute this to him and treat him to a meal or something. If you haven’t got a lot going on and want to watch a drama, you can watch Destined. Okay? LYN: The song hasn’t been released yet! LYN: Every time I accept an OST, I am grateful to the publishing, platform, and music company for acknowledging me and giving me this work to do. Truly grateful. Also I’m very serious about it (music). That’s the first thing. Secondly, I always thank the actors in the drama. Really. Singing an OST for them is my honor. If I happen to know the lead of the drama or if we’re friends, I will attribute this kindness to them.

LYN: A while ago I received a request for an OST, so I was looking at what drama it was, and I told that friend, “I’m going to be recording an OST for your drama. Don’t worry, Ning-ge will sing it well for you. I know this job came from you.” They replied, “It wasn’t me.” I told them, “I don’t care!” and sent them 200RMB. Whether they accept it or not is their problem. But as a human being, you have to have that etiquette. I sent them 200RMB and didn’t look back. Accepting or not is their problem. I still need to do through the process. C: Why 200? LYN: Because the limit for wechat red envelope gifts are 200, isn’t it? There’s a limit- I’ve already given them the highest amount I could. C: Send more than one. LYN: If I send more than one, does it increase the worth of my thanks or what? What do you take them for? Giving more is a sign of DISrespect, friends. At New Year’s you give each person one envelope. What would you be doing by handing them ten at a time?? One is enough. More than that and the whole meaning behind the transaction changes. C:Just do a money transfer, then. You can send it all in one. LYN: Em… It’s not like it doesn’t work- I think you can do a money transfer for up to 500RMB a day. But! The problem is… let me think of what I can make up… are a red envelope and a money transfer the same thing?? A red envelope encloses your well-wishes, but a money transfer looks like you want to send them spending money. How can they be considered the same thing?? This would be an insult to them. Right? In this case, how could a money transfer be appropriate? The red envelope holds my sincerity- also, it’s packaged with the hightest amount it can go. A money transfer makes it seem like you’re sending them spending money. Do you think they’re lacking that much, when they’re doing so much better than you to begin with?? It’s like you’re trying to show off your wealth or something. Thanks should be a sign of sincerity. A red envelope is auspicious, right? Every time I send one I can write “Congratulations and I wish you wealth!” I CAN write a note with money transfers, too but it’s not as festive. That’s why… I’ll keep sending red envelopes.

LYN: Friends, it’s like this- honestly- all the friends and actors I sing OSTs for are all doing well for themselves in their own right, right? So you tell me how much money is appropriate to send them. 200RMB per envelope isn’t little. Back in my hometown when friends get married the most they receive is 200RMB. Unless they’re those friends you’ve grown up with since you were little and would through life and death with- they might get 500RMB. For marriage and children, 200 is the max. This (recommending him for work) isn’t up to par with marriage and children. 200 is good enough. Let’s say I give them 300- it’s unwarranted. As for 500… our relationship isn’t that strong yet. It’s the thought that counts. C: Life and death for 500RMB? LYN: It was just an expression. It’s a standard price in Dandong, to give to those you grew up with. 200-500 isn’t a small amount. Also… on the topic of marriage, you have to remember something- let’s say you give someone 500RMB as congratulations for getting married. When you get married yourself they’re probably going to give 500 back. It’s like that. Do you understand? Let’s say you give someone 1M; when its time for you to get married they’re going to… run. XD It’s a mutual exchange. It doesn’t matter the amount. It’s all like this. You get married, and you write down what and how much your friends gave you. Let’s say they give you 500RMB. When they get married you’re probably going to give them 500RMB. It’s the same principle. Or are you going to give them 1000RMB? Then, good for you. That’s also okay. Normally you return however much you receive. - /there are different customs for each region/

C: How did we get on this topic? LYN: It’s because I said I give the people who recommend jobs to me 200MB. :| But of course, just listen to the contents of my stream for fun only. You don’t have to believe it.

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- /comment that his clothes looks like a green zongzi; lyn: that’s what I was going for!/ - /comment that they want to see him in a variety show; he’s currently in talks for them. He had a goal of doing 1-2 variety shows a year but now he has less time because he is started to receive main lead roles in dramas, as opposed to the supporting roles he had before. It all depends on the timing./

LYN: I’m guessing- making a prediction- that one of my dramas will air in July. But as for which one, it’s unclear. There should be one at  end of July, but I’m not sure which. // I honestly don’t know, but even if I did I wouldn’t be able to say. But al the dramas I was working on before are all completed- the ost and voice acting is completed, on my part. I always sing an OST for my dramas- so all the ones for my previous dramas have been recorded. Now I am only missing the one for ZY and YNGS. As far as I know post-production is pretty much done and they’re just waiting to be aired. So July- but I don’t know which drama. LYN: Voice for TXJ and ALZ are done. BYOL used original sound but I did go in to the studio to supplement a few lines. These three, and ZC… so these four total are all awaiting broadcast. C: Only a few lines? Awesome. LYN: That doesn’t mean I say the lines well. It was only supplement for a few lines because, as I told you before, for BYOL I could use the same tone I use when I’m streaming to act. I didn’t need to speak Standard. I asked the director how they want me to act the character, and they told me just to be how I am when I’m streaming. I said, “But I speak with my Dongbei dialect during my streams” to which they replied, “That’s okay.” Okay then! I talk like this normally, so this is how I’ll be speaking in that drama, too. If I supplement, it’ll be for a word I spoke incorrectly or in order to edit some interactions. When you hear me later, you won’t be hearing Standard. C: It was created based on you. LYN: No. The scriptwriter had finished writing the role first, and later they found out that there existed someone in this industry that fit it to a T. Su Xiaoyuan-laoshi wrote the script first; she didn’t know who I was. After she finished writing it, she never could have imagined that in this world exists an actor that fits the role so well. As soon as she got to know me she was astonished. What character was it? A cook…. who streams. :D Right now I have say I have four professions: 1. Cook. I have certifications. 2. Streamer. If I say I am quite a pro at it, would you say otherwise? You can say I don’t sing well and I can’t act, but you can’t deny I am a cook- I’m certified!- who streams- you’re watching one right now. My two strongest attributes are really suited to playing this character. It all fits.

- /comment of doubt/ LYN: What do you mean?!? I learned how to cook through proper channels! LYN: The other day I saw a video where someone took cuts of all my lines- to see how I’ve changed over the last five years. Someone in the comments replied, “I know LYN spent 4000RMB to find someone to teach him.” /laughs/ There was someone tacking on to that, too. “No- he paid the teacher but ended up being tricked, so he didn’t end up learning anything. They just gave him a bunch of tongue twisters.” I saw something like that- I spent 4000RMB to learn how to say my lines. LYN: These two people definitely watch my streams. But one understands them and one doesn’t. I thought that was pretty funny. LYN: I told you last time. Before I was an artist, when I was just streaming all the time- this was 5-6 years ago now- I used to enjoy listening to the voice actors of guzhuang dramas. I liked hearing them speak, and thought they were so cool. There was something they used to do- like give a picture, let’s say it’s of a manhua- and the actors woud narrate the story. You feel like you’re reading the manhua, but people are voice acting for it. I don’t know what it’s called- but there used to be something like that. I heard this one guy’s voice and always thought he sounded so good. Very with emotion.

C: Audiobook? LYN: Not the same- audiobook is only sound. This also had pictures. It would give you a picture and then tell you what’s going on in it. With sound effects and everything! I really wanted to learn from that voice actor, so I tried contacting him to make him my master. I told you about this story before- I asked if he was taking disciples. He ignored me; he didn’t reply. I contacted him for two consecutive days and he didn’t respond. I would send him private messages, “Are you taking disciples? I want you to be my master. Please teach me. I’m begging you, shifu. I can even beg on my knees, as long as you’re willing to teach me. I really do want to learn. I really like voice acting and want to learn.” He ignored me. In the end I couldn’t take it anymore and I added, “I can pay you for classes.” He immediately replied, “Okay. Wait for me a minute. Wait until I stop streaming.” I was thrilled, because I finally had the chance to learn. I had wanted to do it for fun. At the time I wasn’t thinking that I would want to become an actor. I just liked it. So after he stopped streaming I asked him how much it would cost for a month’s worth of teaching. He told me to name a price. I told him I was afraid he wouldn’t accept, but that I really did want to learn from him. If he could just tell me how much it would cost, then we could settle and proceed. I told him I really liked his sound. LYN: If it were up to me I would have said 200RMB/month- because that’s the limit for red envelopes, right? But I was afraid he wouldn’t accept this and block me because I was trying to set him up or something. But he told me, “How about 6000RMB a month?” I replied, “I’m sorry- I’m a student. I don’t have that much money. I’m a junior high school student.” Five or six year ago- I was in junior high, right? But I told him I was a student and didn’t have much money, and would 4000RMB/month be okay? He accepted. The deal was done. He asked me if I had a microphone at home- at that time I was already streaming. so I told him I did and it was very professional. So we started chatting, and he asked me, “You’re a junior high student? You don’t sound like one…” Friends- you all know- five or six years ago my voice was really husky. Do you remember? It was before I had surgery. My voice was really husky. But he said, “You don’t sound… like a junior high student.” But he was afraid I wouldn’t want to learn from him, so he also tried to cheer me up. “You can give up on trying for the “youthful teenager” tone but you can learn the “young uncle” tone. Fitting for those in their 30-40s. Or even around 45.”

C: Did you pay tuition first? LYN: Yeah. I paid first. Do you not pay first, for school??

LYN: He said he would prepare a bunch of teaching materials for me, and I just had to follow materials and practice. “I’ll give you a class every day. As long as I have time, I’ll teach you for 40 minutes. I’ll listen to you recite the materials and if you say anything wrong I’ll correct you.” So he sent me a whole bunch of tongue-twisters. /recites/ He had me practice. Another thing was tones of voice. I was practicing at home all the time. It got to the point where I thought it wasn’t really effective. It was like this- I don’t know if any of you have ever learned how to play the guitar? If you have- you’ll know that they have you playing chords first. After a couple days of that, you’ll want to start learning songs, right? So I asked the teacher if I could just jump right into it; could I voice act for a few scenes? I wanted him to find me dialogue to practice with, so I could get the feel for it. He found a bunch of lines for me and I sat there reciting them. I took the classes for about a week- 40 minutes per day, and two of those days we didn’t have class. Later when I wanted to have class with him again, he always said he was busy. It got to the point where I never picked it back up, and I didn’t ask him to refund my money. C: A waste of 4000RMB. LYN: I don’t think it was. At the time, of course you would think it’s a waste. But thinking back on it, it exposed me to the job early on. Now that I’ve debuted and in the recent years while filming and saying my lines, I’ll think back on things I learned back then. It was an enlightenment. At the very least he taught me a bunch of tongue-twisters. Who would even think to learn that many?? If it were any normal person, you’d think there’s a problem. So it was an enlightenment.

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- /someone asking abt ALZ; he doesn’t knowww/ LYN: It’s okay, we can be more lenient. There are some friends who come to my stream to take part in the fun and boost my popularity. At the very least, they add one more comment to my weibo. It’s alright. At least they’re willing to join in. As long as they’re not saying anything too much, it’s fine. If it’s crossing the line then we can moderate. It’s alright. We can all learn to be more lenient.

LYN: There’s something I really wanted to talk about with the fans. There’s something… /thinks/ I am not the type of person who likes to add insult to injury/hit someone while they’re down. I don’t like it because for most of the time I have been on the receiving end. When bad things happen to me or when I am at a low, there are always going to be people who want to hit me when I’m down. At those times I feel helpless. I start to wonder, “Why can’t these people be a little kinder?” I’ll think, yes, there are ways I could have handled the situation better, but there are still going to be people who want to drag you through it. In this situation, there’s also no way to resist. It’s true that you were lacking, in some way. I’ve endured a lot of this type of thing. But I always tell myself that when others are in the same position, I would never stoop low enough to be the person who hits them when they’re down. I will never. Rather, I would probably help them. I am that type of person. I’ve been subject to the rain, so I would gladly lend my umbrella to keep someone else out of it. Even if I don’t have the ability to block the rain, I hope at the very least that I am not going to be the person who throws water in someone’s face. I hope my fans can also be like this, okay? I hope you can be like this in life and at work. Don’t be the person who hits others when they’re down. We are self-sufficient and we can survive on our own. You can play with me and I will come to stream and chat with you. This is our own little paradise, as long as we don’t hit others while they’re down. Okay.

C: Buddha Liu, I’ll listen to you. LYN: I’m no Buddha. It’s just that there are some things where you reap what you sow. There’s such a thing as the butterfly effect in this world. In any case, let’s try our best not to make ripples.

LYN: There are times I also fall into the well. I will always remember the people who help me out of it. There are people who hit me when I ‘m down, and I believe I won’t hold a grudge. But I will be aware. I’m very clear minded. I won’t hold a grudge, but I will remember. As for the people who helped me, they could ask me for anything. I am really grateful. I believe that anyone can gild the lily (锦上添花), but not everyone can provide help in one’s hour of need (雪中送炭).  

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C: The NCEE results are the day after tomorrow, someone save me! LYN: Um… were you here to make a wish when I first started my stream? I specialize in after-sales here. If you were here at the time I last streamed and there were a bunch of people telling me that they were taking the NCEE, and to help them. If you were here at that time, I probably… can’t afford to bear the responsibility of your result. My well-wishes won’t be of much use. But in my heart, I do wish you have good results. I wish your future is bright.

- /asks whoever is watching his stream for the first time to please subscribe to his weibo./ LYN: I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Lately I’ve been working on being a singer and actor, as well as cook and streamer. I have four jobs, though I’ve given up on being a cook for the time being. Streaming, acting, and singing are still going strong. I’m just a… three-legged toad.

C: I’m a new fan, who fell into the pit because of your visuals. LYN: I advise you to be more aware when using your eyes. Like when you’re playing on your phone, you should do so in a brightly lit room. Don’t play with your phone in a dark room- it will affect your eyesight. When you’re reading a book, too. Make sure that you have proper posture. Let’s be careful. Alright? Thank you to this friend, who starting liking me because of my visuals. C: It’s not that bad right, Lao-da? LYN: Of course not. I was just making a joke. I’m wearing bb cream today! If I weren’t and you say that I was disrespecting you, that would be fine. But I do have a base on, so I am visually passable, at least. There are so many people in my stream right now. I’m sure that if I weren’t at least passable, they wouldn’t have stuck around. What else do you want?? I look like a normal person. LYN: Aren’t I very confident, friends? I’m both “basic” and “confident”. This is the legendary pu-xin-nan- the “most trustworthy man in all the world.” (普天之下最适合信任的男人)

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C: We’re graduating. Please wish us a happy graduation! LYN: Am I some sort of… Wish Hotline? I used to listen to the radio and there were people calling in all the time, “Hello. I am [OO]’s school’s [OOO]. I want to request a song for the kids in my class. I hope that we can get good grades and when we graduate, we can all get into a good college. Thank you.” Am I a wishing well? Even if I were- even if I were that tortoise in the pond- /pause/ Oh, but my clothes really do look like it. What the heck?! I suddenly feel like I don’t want to wear this green anymore. I want to take it off. LYN: Even if I were the tortoise in the wishing well, you still have to throw some money in the pond before you can make your wish. I’m not trying to spread superstition, but you still have to throw money into the pond first! How can you expect me to fulfill your wish if you don’t give me anything in return? It doesn’t work. C: Tortoise? LYN: Yeah, isn’t there always a turtle in the pond, with it’s mouth open? To see who can get a coin in its mouth. Have you never seen one? How about this- let me pull up my QR and you all can transfer money at your will. Next time we will use this method for all wish requests. You can send me 1RMB when I pull up my code. C: Alright, let’s do it. LYN: Are you insulting me? I say 1RMB, and you want to pay. How about I make it 10RMB? You can skip a bunch of people in the queue. /chuckles/ LYN: I’m just joking, friends. Please don’t think that that was a serious request. Do you think I’m tired of living??

---------- break #1 (the neighbors are fighting) LYN: I’m back. The neighbors were just about to throw fists but I stopped them. They thought I was nice, to be able to go over and mediate, so they kept me for two mouthfuls of food. They were fighting over dinner, because one of the dishes was too spicy. Such is life- it’s normal to fight over small things. They thought I was nice, so they gave me a bowl and chopsticks and I had a bite. Then I came back. LYN: Oh, wait. Didn’t I go just to use the restroom? How did it turn into eating…?

C: I can recite the video now. LYN: If that’s the case, then it’s been a long time since I’ve seen this friend make new videos. Did they stop being my fan? // It’s okay- later I’ll download a few more and change it up. The break videos need to be “fresh”. LYN: You see? Do you see how serious it is when these fans who make videos for me stop being my fan? It means that I start lacking content for my stream. That’s the first problem. Secondly, I recall that I told them I would send them an autograph, but split it into four parts and distribute over four years. At the time, I was too soft-hearted and didn’t implement this method. I mailed them a complete autograph and now look where we are. I should have implemented that method. Split my autograph into four parts so that it would take them four years to complete one. I’m done for.

LYN: I’ve seen a bunch of new friends lately, and they’ve drawn lots of things for me. I really like it when you draw manhuas and some of them even make them into animations and give voices and everything. // But I haven’t been able to look through the posts lately, but also maybe you’re just not posting… C: Ning-ge, that’s on you. It’s because you haven’t been streaming lately so we have no material to work with. LYN: You’re right.

LYN: The other time I mentioned the friends that make videos for me, and how professional they are. Later I was scrolling and came across them again and they were saying how the person I mentioned was probably them. They didn’t care if it were anyone else, they were convinced it was them. It’s you, it’s you. There are really a lot of you who make videos for me, but the reason why I never say the creator’s name is just because there are so many. I can’t credit EVERYONE- I like to play fair. If I mention one person’s name but leave out someone else, they’re going to be unhappy and stop being my fan. “Ning-ge, I made so many videos for you but you didn’t say my name but did say someone else’s. Fine. I won’t make videos for you anymore. Bye.” LYN: I’m afraid of something like that happening. So in order to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings I just don’t mention anyone at all. But I watch them all. Think about my net speed. My idol is LYN. In this big data world everything is going to recommend me articles related to LYN. Even if I weren’t interested, they would still recommend posts to me. Of course, there’s no way I wouldn’t be interested. I am TOO interested in myself. I always like those posts, too.

C: What about consecutively responding to the same person? LYN: It really is random. I can’t really see each of the usernames, anyway. Also, you all can tell that it’s perfunctory anyway. Sometimes I see when you post in the Super Topic, you’re being perfunctory, too. There’s no helping it- it’s just how it works. We can be perfunctory with each other but still gain happiness from it, and that’s enough. We don’t need everything to have meaning. There’s no need. Let’s leave the meaningful stuff for the stream.

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C: Ning-ge, you’re trending. LYN: I don’t believe it. How could I be, I don’t have the right. I’m not worthy. C: Entertainment #46. LYN: That’s good. It’s just that when I start trending, people will know that I am streaming and maybe come in to check it out. You can think about it this way- if one of my streams can gain me 50 fans, if I stream ten times, how many fans would that get me? 5000! [??] Of these 5000 people, maybe about 500 of them could buy my concert tickets. Isn’t that great? That’s development. C: 50,000. LYN: Right. 50 new fans for 10 streams each. That’s 50,000 fans. LYN: See? This is why I didn’t make it to college. XD LYN: Some of you are really calculating for me, They’re telling me, “Ning-ge, 50 x 10 = 500.” Ehm… you can rest assured. When it comes to payments I will definitely calculate it correctly. That’s enough. It doesn’t matter if I say some nonsense the rest of the time.

LYN: I used to have this problem- which is that every time I find out I’m trending I want to sing a song. I want the people who come in to my stream because of the trending topic to be welcomed in to the sound of song. But something happened to me before, which is that as soon as I started singing, my ranking in the trending topics dropped. I don’t know why it happened- did that trending topic expect me to promote something that I didn’t deliver? No. But now I’m afraid to sing. So… C: You’re at #50. LYN: Okay. I hope it doesn’t drop off the list, is all.

LYN: When I first started streaming a lot of friends came in to ask if I was streaming because I needed to dispel some rumors. Dispel what rumors? Is there some project recently that mentioned me, I want to know. Was there any project that stated I was a part of it, lately? No, right? At least I didn’t see it. LYN: I’ve said this before- there’s something about fans… as soon as a project mentions their idol they will all go to leave a comment, saying stop trying to profit from their popularity. It’s not true if it isn’t officially announced. But I look on it kindly. If a project mentioned me it means that at the least I have some credibility behind my name. - C: (Trending at) Main tab at #16 LYN: Really, I don’t believe it. Wasn’t I just in the Entertainment tab at #39? C: Main #17. LYN: Really? Don’t trick me. C: #16. LYN: Let me take a look. /// I see it at #20. Not bad, not bad. Thank you. I really want to thank you, because for an artist at my level I am not very popular. I am very satisfied having a trending topic on main. I thank all of you good friends. It’s because you are here keeping my company and watching my stream that I am able to have this topic. Thank you. Now I… thank you. LYN: If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. You can subscribe. It’s not shameful. Thank you. - LYN: But back to what we were saying- I think it’s nice that people can think to mention me. But- /cuts himself off/ C: You have a great mindset. LYN: Yeah. I think in work and in life it’s important to have a good state of mind. I used to be a person who would go through extremes, but after these few years of tempering I’ve developed a better way of thinking. I’m more mature. Since I am older, after all.

C: How did you change? LYN: How do people change? Through experience. If you don’t experience anything and just smoothly sail through life and don’t encounter problems, if you live in your little bubble- you won’t change. You need to experience things in order to change. I’ve experienced a lot. But I’m thankful for them because they allowed me to become stronger. I think I am a better person than before. C: NIng-ge, you sound like my dad. LYN: You don’t need to be so polite. Perhaps your parents will try to tell you reason, but maybe not everything they say is correct. Still, they want to share and whether or not you accept their advice is up to you.

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C: Are you the ML in Yue Ming Qian Li (In the Moonlight)? LYN: /laughs/ YMQL is…?? Um…  Isn’t it Ming Yue Qian Li? Or is it Yue Ming Qian Li? [t/n: it’s both] I don’t know about it. It is Linmon’s production? Oh- if you put it that way, then I DO know about it. Linmon’s projects are definitely going to be very good- why? Because I’ve worked with them before. YNGS is Linmon’s. I’ve also sung a few songs for Linmon productions. Like that one with Wu Lei and Zhou Yutong (Nothing but You). YMQL is also Linmon’s? In that case it won’t be bad! LYN: Is the ML in that drama a monk? What is that one? In any case, I haven’t heard any news from Linmon about it. I’m guessing that after YNGS, Linmon wasn’t very satisfied with me. (X’D) They weren’t satisfied with me, so they haven’t come to contact me. I haven’t received the script for it.

-/gets sidetracked by types of zongzi for a little bit/

C: Is the second pairing true? LYN: With who?? HZT? QJJ? GJ? Who am I going to be working again with? LYN: I might work again with Zhao- with HZT. He’s always telling me his company has a project they’re looking to hire me for. I’ve been waiting for three years. He keeps telling me they want to hire me for something but I’ve waited three years and heard nothing. I don’t know why that is. C: Do you have any projects with the Big Support Bro (ZSX)? LYN: We probably have a chance to work together again. - LYN: This song- why is it that the more I listen to it the more down I feel? - /switches the song/ - LYN: If I work together with ZSX again, it will be for the third time. - C: What does “down” mean? LYN: That you are in low sprits. Up and Down. Up is happy. Down is less. Not to say that it means I am unhappy, but your spirits aren’t as high. LYN: “What does “down” mean?” See- you can even learn English in my stream. I know my English isn’t that great but you’ve learned a new vocabulary today: “down”. There’s a related word, and that’s “emo”.

C: What about Chu Shen (God of Cooking)? LYN: I actually do know about that project. /doesn’t elaborate/ LYN: Someone mentioned Shi Jin (什锦) earlier, I really don’t know about it. LYN: Even though I am someone who is on the path to becoming an actor I know that to an actor, it’s “one minute on screen and sixty seconds off.” You can think about it.

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C: Can you change the bgm? LYN: You came to request songs? Yes, I can change it. I just want to create the right mood for the stream. This song is more upbeat, so I hoped that it would brighten your mood. /switches the bgm  to Ling Yun Ji & sings along/ -- 凌云寂 (Ling Yun Ji) C: You’re on the main tab at #16. // Trending at #12. LYN: Then I should stop singing, because I don’t want it to drop. I should collect myself, right?

C: I want to hear it. LYN: Then I should sing one properly. /starts playing Rang Jiu/ Not this one. C: Praying. LYN: But I think I have to sing that at another upcoming event. Shh. I can’t sing it too often. C: You Say Love. LYN: Okay. Let’s do it. - /starts playing the track, misses the timing to  start singing/ LYN: I was nervous. Excuse me. I’m nervous because I’m trending. Let’s try that again. Let me add some special effects- so that you can think it’s cooler. -- 你說愛情啊 (You Say Love) LYN: I don’t even need to guess to know- my trending topic dropped.

C: Ning-ge, let’s hear a ballad. LYN: I actually quite like ballads. I heard one from Zhao Lei the other day. This song is called… -- 我记得 (I Remember) LYN: It’s so low?? This song has me dumbfounded. Why? Because the high notes are too high and the low notes are too low. This person is extraordinary! C: Lower it an octave. LYN: No- X’D. The other day I couldn’t hit the high notes. Today I can’t hit the low. Oh my goodness. And I call myself a singer?? This is it. I’m BBQ-d. Let me try again. I’ll cotnrol myself. /deep breath in, loonnggg breath out/ /low voice/ Okay. I’m ready. I’m sure it won’t be a problem now. -- 我记得 (I Remember) (Take 2) LYN; This song is very nice, but I can’t sing it well. Honestly I can’t get that low. But it is a very nice song that I want to share with you.

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C: Ning-ge turned the brightening feature on. LYN: I’m finding that a lot of you tonight are questioning how white I am, asking if I have turned on the beauty whitening feature. Is that even something you need to ask?? Of course it’s on! You don’t need to doubt. LYN: Be more confident! If you come into my stream and think that I look a little handsome, you don’t need to ask whether I’ve turned on beauty filters or not. I have. Blur, beauty, and brightening are all on. C: Ning-ge, you’re a big customer of the beauty filter. LYN: Do you think you’re very funny? I’m sure that even without it I look better than you do. LOL. I’m comparing my looks to that of a fan’s.

C: Ning-ge, is there a staff member behind you? LYN: Don’t try to scare me. There are always people who ask me how many people there are in the streaming room with me, to control the laugh track, music, and special effects. Friends, it’s just me. I have a habit, which is that when I’m streaming there can’t be anyone else in the room with me. Otherwise I won’t be able to let loose. Sometimes I go crazy and if there’s someone else in the room with me, my attention will be split. But as long as I stream, there’s no one else in the room with me. LYN: I can have my dog, though. She’s very quiet, so she can stay with me. C: I want to see Daimi. LYN: She’s celebrating her birthday- no, she’s sleeping. I saw someone say that it was their birthday at the same time I was trying to say that Daimi was sleeping. Sorry about that. Happy birthday! To everyone who is celebrating a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope your year goes smoothly and you’re happy every day. C: There used to be people, though. LYN: You’re talking about Da Fei and Ah Zhuo! They exist but they don’t really talk much. That’s the first thing- second, I’m already used to them. But my staff- won’t be here with me.  

C: When is ZY airing? LYN: It just finished being filmed. I don’t think it will be coming this year. Maybe next year. Many of you here probably aren’t my fan- you might be fans of other artists or singers. Let’s say an actor finished filming for a drama. If it’s a guzhuang drama, it will take about a year for post-production. No less than 7-8 months. It will air more or less in a year. Could be less, could be more. ZY wrapped in May. It’s only been a month since then. C: I’m looking forward to it! LYN: Don’t have too high expectations. If you expect too much, you won’t be as surprised by it. Even if a drama were actually a nice watch, if you expect too much then it won’t live up to your imagination. You’ll think it’s just okay. A lot of things are like this. Why do you think so many people are saying that actually LYN can act pretty well? It’s because they had low expectations for me to begin with. They consider me a singer, so don’t expect my acting to be very good.

---------- /gaming/

LYN: Lately I’ve come across a video- there are some that praise me. There was one that was saying, “Actually, LYN sings very nicely” and they were praising my line work, but I know that my lines need work. I’m saying it here first- I know I need work. But there are some people who think I’m doing a good job. I saw a comment that read, “Of course LYN’s lines are good. He’s a singer. It’s normal for a singer to be able to say their lines well.”  ?_? What sort of logic is that?? After I saw that I was so confused- because it wasn’t just the one person, so many people were saying the same thing. It’s normal for a singer to be able to say lines well???

LYN: I know I’m not good. But they were just using this expression. Up to this day I still don’t understand what they mean by it. Like.. WHY would a singer be able to say lines well??? From a scientific perspective, maybe it’s because a singer would know how to control their voice. As a singer, they would understand their tone and how to execute sound- is that it? I think.. If we’re looking at it from that perspective, it works. It can be explained well. “As a professional singer, they’ve learned and know how to produce sounds. They know from where the sound comes and how to adjust. So singers have an inborn talent for saying lines.” This is how they explained it. This might work for other people but I never LEARNED how to sing. People all say that I am just an “internet famous” singer- I never learned. I learned how to be a cook. But the problem is- I’m saying this as an actor myself-  shouldn’t it be normal that an actor can say their lines well? I don’t get why it would make sense that a singer should say lines well- this logic doesn’t track. Of course, /I/ can’t say my lines well- I’ve said this three times already.

LYN: You can’t use the word “should be able to” to deny other people’s hard work. How can that work? Do you know how much they sacrificed, silently? When others were playing Honor of Kings, what was I doing? /fake cries/ I was playing League of Legends! Do you think I could be the same as everyone else? I worked harder than them- when they were playing HoK, I was playing LoL AND [OO] [t/n: idk games]. I was doing two things at the same time- I worked harder than them. This is why you shouldn’t use the word “should be able to” to deny the efforts of others, okay? Thanks. - /comments saying how amazing he is./ LYN: What’s amazing about that? You just play for a couple hours on one account and then switch to another. You can do it, too. You can even play three games at the same time. If you did that then you’re even more hard-working than I am. I’m sure you can surpass me. Jiayou.

C: I need a computer and two phones. LYN: What are you telling me for? Go buy them yourself. Go online. Choose your accessories- what type of phone you want and what type of computer. Don’t tell me; it has nothing to do with me. Once you mention that you need something in my stream, I always suspect that you are asking me to buy it for you. You want me to raffle it off. C: You want me to play more games. LYN: No. I want you to read more books. Our efforts are focused in different directions. Friends, honestly, you don’t need to play Honor of Kings well as an artist in order to be superior. As long as you put your heart into doing one thing, you will always find a path. There used to be game-playing variety shows that looked for me and asked me how well I played. I told them I was sorry, that I didn’t play very well. At those times, I had missed my opportunity to be on a show. There were really so many events and game platforms that had inquired about how well I played. My studio relayed the message and asked me, and I replied, “What is that? Is it like Minesweeper?”

C: Ask Keyu-didi to teach you. LYN: I’m sure he can play very well. These young kids are all very quick to pick things up. When I was in the drama crew there were always actors playing HoK in their free time. It was after we wrapped for the day and they wanted to get together to play a round. I didn’t know how to play. But if I didn’t join in, maybe they would seem like I was not interested in getting along with them. I didn’t want them to think I thought I was better than them and didn’t want to associate. It was okay at first but later I found out that more and more people were into playing it! Honestly, I’ve played it before. When it was first released, I played it for a short while but then I started working; I got popular. I couldn’t afford to let myself play games. But one day I couldn’t take it anymore. SInce everyone else was playing it, I thought I would also start. So I downloaded the game/ Friends- I do things differently from normal people. There’s always a process. Once I decide on doing something, I have to do it the best. The first thing I did was go to Baidu… and look-up: “What type of Hero should a newbie playing HoK choose?” There were so many suggestions. I piicked a Hero. Okay. Next, “What should a newbie playing HoK do?” I spent about two hours that day looking at all the suggestions and tips. By the time I was done I was sleepy. I went to sleep. The next day all of a sudden, I didn’t feel like playing anymore. So in the end, I never got to playing.

C: You looked up all that stuff for nothing. LYN: Not necessarily. Friends, never think that anything you do is for nothing. One day it will become useful. At the very least through this study, I learned how many heroes there are in HoK. If someone comes to ask me about it and if I play, at least I have something I can say in return. I can manage to hold some conversation. LYN: See- Didn’t it become useful, in the end? Even if you don’t know very much, you can pretend that you understand it. They will think you actually play, but it becomes a common topic of conversation and you can more easily become friends.

C: Do you play Genshin Impact? LYN: I do! I have to know a little about a lot of things. I’ve tried Genshin Impact. I had a good buddy and I asked him what he was up to and he told me he started playing GI. This was many years ago. I said, “What is... Genshin Impact?” He told me to play it so I went to download it. I’m the type of person who starts putting their money into the game- it started asking for money so I can choose a character. There were some for 20RMB that looked so cool. So I picked two cards and ended up getting two really good characters. After that I… stopped playing. Because there was no auto-play. I hate that I had control even the walking and climbing on my own. I play games to release stress, but this game GAVE me stress. I had to walk on my own?? I couldn’t stand it. I spent money on the game, but felt like I was the one putting the work into it.

- /more talk about games/ - /can’t take the too intense ones, because his heart can’t take it/ - /can’t take the games where there is no VIP status- the ones with freebies once you reach a certain level/

C: He got excited talking about games! LYN: A lot of you aren’t interested, is that it?

- /a bit more about games- basically people asking if he’s played [OO] game or not. He says yes or no and a little about what ended up happening with the game./ - /can’t take strategy games and ended up losing bc he doesn’t want to work his brain/ - /downloaded some but haven’t played because the intro is too long and he doesn’t have a lot of time to wait around for gameplay to actually start/

LYN: In a few days I’m planning to play a new game with HZT. But I won’t tell you the name of it, or it’ll seem like I’m trying to promote it. He called me the other day and told me the game was going to go live, and if we should play. I told him I’ve played games with him for three years but he’s never reimbursed me once. I said, “How about I put 500RMB into the game, and you reimburse me 500RMB?” At the time I told him I would play with him. I would put 1000RMB into the game, and he would only need to reimburse me 500RMB- because the other 500RMB is mine. I would be happy with that arrangement, and is that okay with him? He said, no and that we had to play during the initial release or it wouldn’t be any fun. I made plans with him for the end of the month LYN: I played a game with him before- he wanted me to play with him. He told me we had to fight with another team, so we did. We put so much money into that game I was dizzy. Later when I saw the bill my wallet hurt. But then he turned around and became the spokesperson for that game! He got the money back. Do you think that was something a human would do?? We were playing together- we both put money into it. I think he spent three times more than I did, though. And then later he becomes the spokesperson for the game and pretty much makes that money back. Was it wrong for me to ask him to reimburse me? I don’t think so! You tricked me into playing a game with you and later made the money back by becoming the game’s spokesperson, but I am still left with nothing. If you made some money and then shared even one-third of your earnings with me, that would be fair wouldn’t it? XDD C: This just means you didn’t spend enough. LYN: It’s not about how much money I put into it… LYN: The more I think about it the angrier I get. /joking/

LYN: Alright, let’s end the talk of gaming here. I am someone of the age of the internet. People who have been with me for a long time know that I used to dabble as a gaming streamer. But… I probably can’t do that now. I don’t have the rights. The other platform used to have some collaboration so it wasn’t a problem but copyright might be an issue now. But Minesweeper shouldn’t be a problem. LYN: I always play Spider Solitaire, do you want me to play for you? Let me see if I can do it. Does this computer have it? Or Minesweeper? // It’s not here. Does this system not have it? How could it not have such an amazing game?

C: Don’t be too excessive. LYN: My stream is always excessive. If it’s not, then I don’t do it.

C: There’s a web version. LYN: If it’s not on the system, then let me look it up online. Okay. It wants me to download- can I not play if I don’t download it first? …Let’s forget about it. These websites look shady.

LYN: Alright. Talk of gaming ends here. But it seems like a lot of you enjoy playing games as well. It’s great to have a common topic. LYN: That’s why, friends, you have to work hard in life. When other people are playing HoK, as a singer or an actor you have to start playing LoL and etc. >.>

- /continues to talk about games. :p he doesn’t like playing vs games because it requires a lot of time to practice/train your heroes  in order to win. he doesn’t have the time to grind, and thus always loses. no one feels great about losing./

C: Ning-ge, I’ll take you with me. LYN: Meaning you are a skilled player, right? I don’t like playing with people who play the game well. Because then I will feel worthless. If all I had to do was follow you around and you were over there telling me, “Follow me, follow me. Hide! I’ll fight them for you. Don’t come out. I’ll save you, I’ll save you.” I’ll feel useless. No. I need to face it on my own.

---------- break #2 LYN: That reminds me. I have a trailer for BCF. Some other day I should download the trailers for YNGS and ZY. I could play them during breaks in my stream. Later when the platforms find me, I have another method of promotion. Not only do you have after-sales services for OSTs but there are now after-sales services for dramas. Next time I will download all the trailers- including TXJ. I’ll play them during my stream. As long as it plays through once, I will contact the marketing team and ask them for 200RMB. I’m sure that price isn’t too much, for the platforms I’ve worked with. Right? Right now I can contact three different teams. In one day I might be able to make 600RMB.

LYN: This is coffee! Not beer. /shows the can/ This isn’t an advertisement! I was just telling you that this is coffee. I needed to dispel the rumors in advance. When I poured it into my cup I realized it might be a strange color. C: Drinking herbal medicine? LYN: LOL. I’m drinking dark soy sauce.

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LYN: Because I’ve started playing with the beads, I’ve started to wash my hands more often. When you count the beads you have to have clean hands. So when I feel like my hands are dirty I go to wash them. C: Can we see them? LYN: What’s there to see?? You’re making it out to seem as if I am trying to sell you products! Am I here to sell you beads? C: Let’s see. LYN: Are there really so many bead-friends in the stream? The last stream I told you I wanted to started playing with beads and I was afraid that it would age me. But you told me that now elementary school kids play with the beads. What do they call it “rao zi rou”? I see their small hands can move quite quickly. Since you told me that elementary school kids play with it, then that means it’s okay for me to pursue this hobby that those born after ‘00 enjoy. C: Let’s see! LYN: Okay, wait for me to get them. Since we’re going to start counting beads I should play more fitting music. Let me go get it, hold on. LYN: It really seems like I’m trying to sell you something. I can’t take it. It’s just a string of beads… LYN: Here, these are the beads I’ve been playing with.

LYN: This is a string of 百香籽 (Passion Seed/Cedar Seed/Bodhi Bead). Here, you can look at it. LYN: I just started. I also have another set that I haven’t started working on.  C: Open the lines! (for purchasing) LYN: /sigh/ I’m not selling it. If you want to buy it, go online and buy them yourself. C: They must be fake, right? LYN: See? You must not have seen good things. C: Wutaishan has the same thing for 30RMB. LYN: The worth of this thing is not how much money it cost you to buy. The more you use them, the more value you hold. If you think they’re worth 30RMB, then they are. If you think they’re worth 1M, then they are. If you think they’re worthless, you wouldn’t take them even if I gave them to you. It’s just wood- seeds. It’s a plant- how much money do you think it could be worth? It’s not as if these are gold pieces, where it would be difficult to acquire more. These grow every year- they won’t have a very high price, but they’ll have value in your heart. They’re worth however much you think of them.  C: You spent too much. The fake ones are all 15RMB. LYN: Okay.

C: The most valuable thing is on your arm. LYN: Are you talking about my watch? … WHY are you looking at my watch?!?

C: It looks like you’ve played with those beads for 30-40 years already. LYN: I just bought this and I’ve only had it for a month! I told you during the last stream that I would start. I bought these right after that. It hasn’t even been half a month. It wasn’t that long. 

C: Buy a string for Daimi. LYN: It would change color right away. These change color quickly. In any case it’s for fun. It’s nice to have something in hand that you can use to relieve stress. I saw a lot of friends were showing off their own strings in the group chat. You’re amazing. Certainly better than me, because I don’t quite get it yet. C: Watch out for Daimi. It might be dangerous. LYN: Do you think she’ll mistake these for peanuts and eat them? Daimi’s special in that she doesn’t like to eat peanuts. Sometimes when I try to give them to her she doesn’t eat them. So you don’t have to worry. She’s not interested in these things. She only eats sausages. 

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C: Is this a real person streaming? LYN: I am an AI. LYN: Hello. Welcome. To. Modern Brothers Liu Yuning’s. Livestream. /blink/ LYN: Hello. If you have not subscribed to this weibo. Please subscribe. Thank you. /blink/

LYN: I want to say something though! I’ve been seeing that you’ve been using some AI programs to switch my face in to a video. Please don’t do that. They’re not something that just anybody can play with. You don’t have the right to use my likeness to make anything you want. If you like to make them, you can watch them in the privacy of your own home- that’s your freedom. Just don’t spread it around. Alright? Don’t mess around. LYN: You think it’s fun and there is no ill-intent, but these things themselves are prohibited. Try not to play with them too much. If you have spread it already- delete it.

C: Can you wish my 13 year old daughter a happy birthday? LYN: Of course I can. But… I think the thing she needs the most is your company. Stop watching my stream. Go play with her. She’s thirteen- you should be playing with her. Stop watching my stream. Hurry and go. LYN: I wish your daughter a happy birthday. I hope she can grow up happy and healthy and do well in school. But the thing she needs the most right now is you. Either make her something nice to eat or play with her a little. My blessings aren’t that important. LYN: I want to gift this song to everyone here. -- 祝你平安 (Wishing You Well) [Sun Ye]

LYN: This song is for the girl who is having her thirteenth birthday today. Happy Birthday and I wish you well. C: Is 13 very young? LYN: I never said it was young. I just mentioned that her mom was here, when she should have been keeping her daughter company. My meaning was that what she needed the most was her mom to keep her company, not me telling her “Happy Brithday.” She probably doesn’t even know me. I don’t think thirteen year olds are interested in me.

C: I’m 12. // Lao-da, I’m 13. // I’m 15. // 16. // 19. LYN: There’s even a six year old?? C: Ning-ge, I’m 18. // 16. // 20. // 17. 15. /// I’m 8. LYN: /sigh/ I don’t know if what you’re saying is true or not, but I believe at least some of you are telling the truth. If that’s the case I think we need to adjust my streaming degree and content to cater towards these younger individuals. Isn’t that right? And I should also be more aware and watch the things I say. Right? - /plays the Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf theme song/

LYN: Now we will become a model for young youths. C: Little kids don’t watch Pleasant Goat anymore. LYN: Yeah, they’re watching Heroes (SYXSSYX) now. I’m sure they’re planning on watching my dramas now. C: They’re tricking you. LYN: What do I care? They can’t fool me.

C: Lao-da, are your eyes open? LYN: /doubting life/ Someone asked me if my eyes were open… I think those are the cruelest words I’ve heard tonight. Many of you were saying that I’m so white I look like I’ve been dead for three days, and I didn’t get angry. But this friend just asked me if my eyes were open… they feel like I’m about to fall asleep. This… this comment deals double damage. I’ve been attacked. 

LYN: It doesn’t matter. I don’t want you to be able to see my eyes, so you can’t tell what I’m thinking. People’s eyes are the windows to their soul, right? By looking into someone’s eyes you can tell what they’re thinking or how they feel. Right now you can’t see my eyes. So that means you can’t see through me. LYN: Dear Friend, in the next few days you might receive a document from LYN’s Legal Team. My studio will put in a request for a document and send it to you. Prepare to receive it. Make sure you are reachable by phone. 

- /looking at his drink/ LYN: ?! Why would there be sediment in this?? /makes barfing sounds/ /pours it out/ LYN: I’m not drinking that anymore. It wasn’t coffee grounds, it was something white. LYN: Let’s just drink some water.

C: Ning-ge, are you doing magic? There was something dark in the glass and now it’s clear water. LYN: You really are 13. Now I really BELIEVE you’re 13 years old. Why else would you be here, pretending to be cute? Either that or you truly are a bit foolish. I believe it now. You don’t need to convince me.

C: You put on lipstick? LYN: No. I don’t put on lipstick. Even though I do have a makeup collaboration- with Givenchy- I didn’t apply any lipstick today. /wipes his lips/ It’s because this beauty filter is on. It gives me a lip color. :P To make my complexion look better. C: Ning-ge, if the filter is on then why are your eyes still so small? LYN: My filters are different from your filters. My filters don’t alter my features. I only adjust the skin settings- I turn up the blur and brightening, but I don’t change my features. I’m an actor- you have to see my every day. If I- - LYN: Hold on, someone’s ringing my doorbell. Let me play a video and I’ll go see who it is. Is it takeout or something? LYN: They ordered some food for me. My staff were worried I was going to starve to death. They probably figured by this time of night I would have already stopped streaming already. C: Scared me to death! Call the cops, quick! LYN: Meimei- I’m 1.89cm tall and I;ve been working out lately! Also, this community is pretty nice. Plus I have a dog! Are you messing with me? I have a dog keeping me company- if anyone tried anything on me Daimi would eat them! She’ll eat them! So don’t worry, Everything’s fine.

----------

C: Ning-ge, you actually know English? LYN: Of course. A little. I only know a little. I know I didn’t go to college, but I still went to school. C: Marry me. LYN: Areyou crazy? You think I don’t understand what that means?? Or do you know that I know what it means and you’re provoking me on purpose?? Someone typed “Marry Me” into the comments. I will reply to you with two words: Get out. Shut up. C: Can you kiss me? LYN: Go to sleep. You can have a good dream.

LYN: My stream suddenly went from a Gaming Cafe to the English Corner. There are some kids in here who are only 8 years old. They might not have started learning English in schools yet. So now when we’re talking they can’t understand. I already told you we were entering “Young Youths” mode. We can’t speak for too long in English, because I also don’t know that much. If I keep going I’m might expose myself.

LYN: Are you not ashamed by the English you’re typing out?? You’re just a young girl, how could you not watch out for yourself? I’m going to take a screenshot and send it to your mother! If you keep sending me untoward English I’m going to take a screen-cap and send it to your mom. I’ll show her what her kid goes around saying online. “Go to sleep with me”??? Your imagination is getting ahead of yourself. If your mom knew you were online saying those types of things she would beat you to death! Just you wait- I’m going to send it to your mother.

C: My mom can’t understand. LYN: I’ll translate it for her! I’ll tell her, “Look at what nonsense your daughter is saying. How improper!” 

C: You have my contact info? LYN: You think that’s a good thing? This story is to tell you that the internet is not a lawless place. If I want to find you, I can. Remember my words. C: Oh, there’s such a good thing? You’ll come find me? 

LYN: If you’re chasing this star, we provide door-service. I’ll come up to your door and knock on it. “Hello. I am Liu Yuning. I’m here. See?”

C: My mother not at home. LYN: Oh my goodness! If you’re using such simple  English to talk to me I feel like you’re insulting me! But if you use too complex English, I won’t understand. I’m conflicted. The English you’re using is too simple, so I feel like you’re insulting me because you don’t think I can understand anything more. But if you really type out something complicated, then I REALLY won’t understand. 

LYN: Okay, that’s enough. Okay. Okay. Stop. Thank you.

----------

C: You changed so many topics all night. LYN: A stream is like this. Do you think this is a math class and I’m going to spend all night telling you about math? It’s random- I just talk about whatever I want to. Someone even asked me if my stream has a script. There’s no script. I just see what you’re commenting and pick up a topic. That’s the charm of a stream- it’s live and I’m just here chatting with you. I don’t really prepare anything. LYN: At most I just make note that I need to promote CFD. I’ve sung an OST for it. It’s currently airing and pretty hot, so if you have time you can check it out. LYN: You want me to sing it, but the song hasn’t been released yet! The drama is airing but the song isn’t out. I’ll sing it when it’s out. 

C: I don’t want to hear OSTs anymore. I want to watch your dramas. LYN: Shut your mouth! You’re going to make me lose the market! This is one of my own fans lamenting the fact that I keep releasing OSTs, but the last time one of my dramas was released was already two years ago now. Has it been two years? No, right? A little more than one year. This is normal though. It’s not like a song or a variety show- when you can film it one month and it will air the next. People can see it with a quicker turnaround. Normally for dramas it takes one year, up to two, before it airs. LYN: Luckily I’ve been continuously filming for the past few years. I’ve been in Hengdian for three years straight. So I have some in stock, at least. Once my dramas start to air I’m guessing there’s no stopping them. They’re all about ready to air.

LYN: Someone came to ask about ALZ again. I really don’t know. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. But I really don’t know. I hope it can air soon- I hope all of my dramas can air soon. Otherwise what’s the point of letting them sit there?? I want them to air! I feel the same as you. What’s the point of keeping them? LYN: I don’t have a drama or an album. I need the drama to air so that my fans can maintain their attachment to me.I don’t have a drama or anything right now, but were are still able to maintain this familiarity with each other which I think is great. 

LYN: This is really normal. Let’s say an actor’s drama airs and because of this role, many people start to like this actor. If they don’t release anything for a long time after that, it’s normal for people to turn their attention elsewhere. I also hope that the dramas I’ve filmed- I’ve been filming for three years, now- can also quickly be aired. Even if I can’t attract new fans, at least my old fans can watch. I need to give them something to look at, so they stick. 

----------

C: Ning-ge, the day after tomorrow is NCEE results, what do I do? LYN: What are you asking me for? How would I know? Do you want me to give you a job?? LYN: “What do I do”? That sounds like you didn’t test well or something. You don’t need to be nervous. Everything that happens is for the best. “What do I do”? What do you want to do? Are you planning to run away? Don’t do that. It’s okay. A test is only a very very small experience in your life. If you don’t do well this year, maybe you can take it again next. Or if you didn’t get the results you wanted, it really doesn’t matter. Look at me and you’ll understand. I didn’t even go to college, but I went to culinary school. I went to a technical school. But I still made it to where I am today where you can recognize me, and that’s my honor. But look at me. I may have had a lot of failures in my past. But if the light doesn’t shine in the east, it will shine in the west. This test is not your only path forward, but it is a better path. What happens if you don’t have good results? There will be other opportunities. This test doesn’t determine the rest of your life. No way. LYN: You don’t need to have too much pressure. There are a lot of things you’ll experience that will make you feel really sad/upset about them. It might devastate you and make you think you can’t live anymore. But once half a year has passed- maybe three months, even- if you look back on this thing that made grieve and upset, it’s actually nothing at all. After half a year you’ll think even less of it. After a year you’ll look back on this moment and wonder why you were so weak. You might make fun of yourself, thinking, “I was too young. I was too weak. This is nothing.” LYN: Anything you’re experiencing right now isn’t very important. It’s not something that can make you stumble. After a while you’ll look back on it and think its laughable. LYN: A friend shared a poem to describe this: 轻舟已过万重山. (A brisk boat sails through thousands of green mountains. // You’ll encounter thousands of hardships but still sail through)

- /comments of poems start to flow in/ LYN: I just want to say my fans are so well-educated. Two minutes ago we were using English to communicate and now we’re using poems! If you want to question how well-cultured LYN’s stream or the people who watch the stream are, you’d better think twice. 

C: Left foot Tsinghua and right foot Beida. LYN: What is that? Now you’re being too obvious. Our current segment is using metaphor and allusion. You’re being a little too forward with that comment. 

LYN: To that person who was wondering what they would do when the test results came out, many of your friends here have used a poem to advise you. But I can’t always let them take the credit, so let me also tell you a poem, too: You are a light in the darkness. You’ll illuminate- … How do the lyrics go?? Oh- You’ll illuminate the ashes of the past. - [t/n:these are the lyrics to 黑夜一束光 (Praying)]

C: 三十年河东,三十年河西. 莫期少年穷. *(Thirty years in the east, thirty years in the west. (Feng Shui turns and the world changes.) Don’t bully the young man because he is poor now.) LYN: I think you can gift this saying to me. Thirty years (old) in the east and thirty years (old) in the west… But if this is directed towards that friend who has taken the NCEE, then it’s an attack. For example, let’s say they still can’t get a good result after three years. Then you’re basically telling them that they can only meet west after they’re thirty. That means they have to be patient for more than a decade. This saying doesn’t suit them.

LYN: Of course, playing is playing and joking is joking. But this is really nothing. If you don’t get a good score you can retake the test. That’s the first path. Secondly, if you don’t want to take the test again, then maybe it was for the best. But when you face your next test/chalenge, I hope you can seize the opportunity. But in the end, it’s really not a big deal. Really. I honestly feel like it’s not a big deal. LYN: As long as you’re alive and healthy, and everyone you love is also alive and well, then that’s the best place you can be. Nothing else really matters.

LYN: People who know me a little should all know what all I used to do. I learned how to be a cook. After that, I worked in a restaurant- learning the trade on the job. I did all sorts of work. Later I got sick and couldn’t be a cook. Since I already understood the industry, I worked as a waiter in the restaurant instead. I would deliver dishes and take orders. It wasn’t a temporary thing while I looked for something else- I did it for 2-3 years. Just as a waiter. I worked as a waitstaff in a bathhouse. I worked as a clothing shop clerk. I worked in each of these jobs for many years. At the time I thought of myself as without a place- I thought that was all I could amount to and that’s just how life was. It was useless to have dreams and aspirations because that was reality. Reality can make you stumble. It will make you accept your fate. There’s this sort of cycle. It will make you think that your life at the time is very hard. But to me, at this point in my life I am thankful for those experiences. LYN: I’m not saying that to be nice. I will think on those experiences and apply it to whatever I do whether that’s singing or acting. As an actor- let me just say what I want to, though I know it might not be accurate- let’s say that you’re supposed to act as someone who has been locked in a place and hasn’t eaten for three days. How are you supposed to act out those feelings? There are limits to a person’s imagination, but if you’ve real-world experience and take from those experiences to apply it to acting, that’s the best you can do. I have never experienced having gone without food for three days, but I know what it feels like to be hungry.

LYN: Let me tell you when I was at my poorest. I had just come back from a competition and I didn’t have a penny on me. I’d been like like for a long time, with only 1RMB that I asked my grandpa for every day. I had found a job but only made 1RMB a day- I was already over twenty years old. In the afternoon I would sell clothing, and we would eat in shifts. After the first shift came back from their lunch they told me to go. So I went. What did I eat? I didn’t have the money to eat. I only had 1RMB, what could I eat? But I went downstairs, and found some corner- because I didn’t want my coworkers to see me. I just sat there and watched the people pass. After around 20-30 minutes, I went back upstairs and told them I had eaten. I continued to work. I spent about a month like that- it’s not long, but that’s how I spent it. C: You couldn’t go home to eat? LYN: At that time I was living with my grandpa, and he doesn’t cook. My aunts and uncles would prepare food for him and send it to him. It’s not that they didn’t care about me, but that I didn’t let it show that I was doing poorly. They thought I was living well. So, they would prepare good for him and I would find something for myself to eat. I would go home and just cook a pot of rice- very small, it only makes about two bowls? I would make rice and have some Chinese broccoli. One meal a day. I’d go home and make a pot of rice that equalled to about three bowls and just furiously eat the rice.

LYN: That’s just one of my experiences- I’ve been through a lot. But now that I have come to be an actor, I am thankful for those experiences. I know how it feels to have dreams but be unable to chase them. I know what it feels like to have a desire for something, and what it feels like to have gotten that thing. I’m thankful for the experiences I had when I was living at the bottom of society. It wasn’t just for one or two years. I spent 5-10 years like that, but I’m thankful for what I learned. As an actor now, I can borrow from those memories. If I grew up in a well-off environment where everything came to me easily and I didn’t want for anything, and the director now wanted me to be in a desperate state, do you believe they would be able to pull it off? I’m sure they would understand, but they might not get the reference. Because they didn’t personally experience these hardships. Those experiences have become my advantages now. LYN: I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to share. I want you to know that the things you are experiencing at this moment may become a benefit to you in the future. They’re your assets. I don’t like playing the pity card because I am doing well for myself now. I’m worlds different from where I was before. But you still have to experience those hardships in order to cherish what you have now. I don’t want to make you feel sorry for me, because that time has already passed. I’ve gotten over it. So I’m not trying to make you pity me, I’m just sharing. 

LYN: I’ve always believed that most things were up to life. I firmly believe that the reason I am here today is because I am lucky. You can’t gain a lot of things through hard work alone. I’m not trying to say that I worked so hard for what I have today. That I am able to know you and accept these acting roles is because of all my hard work. No. This is not something you can gain through hard work. - [t/n: idk what song he is referring to, here.] LYN: Hard work isn’t the reason I have what I have today. But the problem is if you DON’T work hard, then you definitely won’t gain anything. That’s a definite. If you don’t work hard, you won’t gain anything. (It’s a catch-22).

----------

LYN: It’s about time. I’ll stop streaming at 11p. I’ll chat with you for ten more minutes. LYN: I’m not sure about when the next time I stream will be, but I definitely will come if I have time. I just have a lot of work piled up right now. I didn’t really sing much today because I have to reserve my voice- I’ve already SPOKEN enough. But the work in the next few days will require my voice. Next time I stream… won’t be too long. If you haven’t subscribed to my weibo yet, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Thank you. 

C: When are you entering the new crew? LYN: It’ll be soon. I can enter it anytime- no, what am I saying?? There’s the possibility that I can enter it at any time, so I have to make sure I finish everything I need to do in Beijing first before I can enter the crew and start getting into character. 

----------

LYN: Where’s our rising star? The rising star of 2023? (Daimi) LYN: /trying to lure her over/ Want a sausage? How about a sausage? LYN: The rising star of the 2023 Entertainent Industry is here. LYN: /to Daimi/ Can you have a sense for the camera?? Where’s supposed to be at the top of the industry, here. You might become the biggest star this year, so can you steal the camera at all? /manually adjusts her head/ Okay- let’s keep it at this angle. Don’t move. Perfect. Don’t lift your head. Shots of the chin make you look fat. LYN: Okay, whatever. - /Blows in her face to get her to stop looking at him. It doesn’t work. Gives up./

C: Daimi only has eyes for you. LYN: Friends, don’t think of this so beautifully. Even though if a dog licks you it means they like you, they’re also… waiting for you to feed them. She’s waiting for me to feed her. Okay. She’s hungry. - /gives her his hand to rest her head on uwu/

C: Is she willing to sleep with you? LYN: No. I was thinking I would try a day after she had gotten washed- to see if I could hold her to sleep. She didn’t even stay there for a minute before she kicked me and left. 

C: Why is she called Daimi? LYN: Because this little dog is quite foolish. (呆) /sigh/ She’s not very smart. She’s not impatient or ill-tempered like other small dogs can be. She’s just simply very foolish. 

LYN: Okay, you can go.

LYN: I’ll give her a sausage to eat later, after I stop streaming.

----------

LYN: Thank you for keeping me company tonight. LYN: The next time I stream I think the things I bought specifically to wear on the stream would have arrived. Next time I will have an appearance that surprises you. So let’s definitely meet up in the next stream. LYN: I hope you had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful night. It was great to have you and I hope you enjoyed yourself. Let’s meet in the next stream. Goodnight, everyone. - /closes it out with Fall in Love/

[iggy-hands]

Again, Izzy/Lucius isn't really my thing, but it's nice scrolling through the tag and seeing y'all are being fed so well lol

[marshmallowprotection]

please ge Saeran with an MC who also loves flowers/plants and being in nature but has pollen allergies that act up in spring (who can relate?😔)

GE Saeran is never going to ask you to be uncomfortable for his sake. He’s very aware that sometimes you can’t be around things for health reasons. He has the fact inside of him tattooed on his chest because he spent so many years as a kid unable to go outside. 

Sometimes he could go out there but it was hard when the air was thick or when his body was exhausted from sleeping on a cold floor for an entire night. It’s not easy to deal with living in this world knowing that you have things that you need to avoid if you want to be able to live without getting sick or feeling cloudy. He’s got no clue if there’s people that would willingly go through that discomfort. Even if you love somebody, that’s a lot to ask.

That’s the last thing that he’d want to ask you to deal with for his sake.

It doesn’t matter how much he loves something, even if it’s flowers, he can’t ask you to risk your health over such a tiny thing. If you have allergies, he’d be sure to help you grab them as well as do whatever he can to limit the amount of large pollen excess. He is sure to keep the garden a solid distance from the house to help that but the breeze won’t do much. 

Saeran is crafty, he will do whatever it takes to make sure that you can enjoy the garden and you don’t sneeze your head off. If he needs to build a porch or a net to help, he will. He will add filters and humidifiers and anything else that he can think of. This man adores you, and he knows that you love flowers, too, even if you have to be careful of them. Just ask what might help, or let him get carried away, because he’ll find some solutions. 

“My love, please don’t feel bad if you can’t handle staying outside for long. I understand. You don’t need to force yourself to go out there for me. I’m glad that you’re trying but I don’t want you to get hay fever or a cold because you wanted to see the flowers bloom with me. We can watch inside... together, sharing a nice drink.”

[thebiscuiteternal]

“Support” Reverse Nies, Brother Bonds, A Little Dysfunction, Long Illness, Character Death, Politics, Writing This Was Inevitable, Nie Mingjue Was Like That Before Even Being Full Grown

__________

"Jue-er, stay inside until we know what’s going on, got it?"

Nie Mingjue is nine years old and his older brother is four months away from turning fifteen when their father is brought home from a joint night hunt on a stretcher, bloody and screaming. He watches from the doorway as his brother rushes out into the courtyard to meet the panicked knot of disciples, every healer they can spare from the medical ward hot on his heels.

Even in all the chaos, it doesn’t take long at all for word to filter back in his direction in a dozen different bitten off conversations.

Shattered.

Their father’s saber shattered. 

He is a little less than one year away from drawing a saber of his own, he knows exactly what that means.

He doesn’t sleep at all that night, but waits until the sun is peeking over the mountains to creep into the healers’ ward. 

Attempts have been made to clean up, but gods, there’s still so much blood. On the floor, on rags scattered about, spattered all over the clothing of the exhausted healers and physicians, on the bed… His father lies unconscious and partially bound, his brother and cousin beside him. 

All three look like they’ve just stumbled off a battlefield. 

“Sang-ge.” His brother raises his head, skin pale and expression dull with fatigue, then tries to stand. “Don’t,” Nie Mingjue says, rushing to help Nie Zonghui catch him and push him back into the chair before he can fall over. 

Nie Huaisang sighs, the sound deep and hollow, and leans into his side. “I suppose you’ve heard,” he murmurs, voice hoarse from barking orders he’s unused to having to give.

Nie Mingjue swallows past the lump in his throat and wraps an arm around his brother’s shoulders, shifting his weight to support him. It makes him feel a little less useless in the face of- “I did. What happens now?”

“They’ve managed to stabilize him. For the time being, anyway. I have to convene with the elders this afternoon to decide whether the succession documents are current enough, just in case.”

Just in case. He hates the sound of that.

Nie Mingjue is nine years old, his older brother is almost fifteen, and they keep silent vigil over their father as the sect prepares for the worst around them.

---

“Jue-er, go to our room and stay there. No matter what you might hear, don’t come out until morning, understand?”

Nie Mingjue is nine years old and his brother’s fifteenth birthday is tomorrow, and they should have been planning to celebrate. Instead, he is sitting on a stool in the secondary kitchen his brother occasionally claims, a steady stream of qi gently flowing from his brother’s hand into the injuries on his face.

Over the course of the past months, he’s watched his brother’s cheerful, teasing nature slowly leech away under the strain of trying to care for their father and take on the ins and outs of the sect, but never in his life has he seen him this angry.

Then again, never in his life had their father ever attacked either one of them.

He’s still a little bruised when his brother straightens up and the comforting warmth of his palm pulls back. On reflex, he reaches up and grabs the retreating hand. “What are you going to do?” he asks, unable to keep the faintest tremor out of his voice because he knows the answer.

He also knows all too well that between the three of them, his brother is the most physically vulnerable, and the thought of what might happen- 

“Don’t worry about it,” Nie Huaisang says with a smile so forced it hurts to look at, then gently squeezes his hand and leaves before he can protest whatever his brother is planning.

Feeling like a coward, Nie Mingjue returns to the room they’ve shared for safety since their father’s rages truly began to go out of control. ‘All the times you’ve argued with him and now you obey,’ his mind sneers bitterly. He bites down the shame and the stinging in his eyes and sits on the bed.

The sounds of crashing and yelling never come, but he isn’t sure if the silence is worse. 

But he waits until the sky is beginning to turn from black to grey before he opens the door.

A senior disciple -his brain is in too much of a storm to remember the name, or even register the face- meets him on the way to his father’s rooms.

His ancestors would be ashamed of the relief that washes through him when the news is delivered. 

His brother is still alive.

Their father’s suffering is over.

He finds his brother amidst a shifting knot of disciples and servants and elders, the funeral plans they’d made over the course of their father’s ‘illness’ already being handed out and implemented with sharp efficiency.

He’d be impressed if his brother didn’t look a wrong breath away from passing out. Ignoring anyone else trying to get his attention, he marches up and grabs his brother around the arm to help him stay on his feet, scowling at anyone who seems the slightest bit disapproving.

“Jue-er…”

He scowls at his brother too, when it looks like he might try to pull away, and his brother sighs and shakes his head with a fond look, then ruffles his hair. “Alright,” he says. “Alright.”

Nie Mingjue is nine years old, it’s his older brother’s fifteenth birthday, and they kneel silently in the great hall, still holding on to each other, as Nie Huaisang is officially declared sect leader.

---

“This shouldn’t take long, so just wait out here for me, okay?”

Nie Mingjue is nine years old and his older brother has been fifteen for all of six days when he is called to a formal introduction before the other great and lesser sect leaders.

The whole thing itches annoyingly under his skin. Most of them hadn’t even come to the funeral, and now his brother is expected to play the gracious host when they do show up. 

He decides to work off his irritation in the training yard, going through sword forms until his muscles burn and his breath wheezes in his lungs. He’s just finishing up when people begin trickling out of the main hall. Toweling down and making sure he doesn’t noticeably stink, he trots over to find his brother deep in conversation with Grandmaster Lan.

There are eyes on his brother’s back, and he bristles a little when he tracks the gazes.

The leer from Jin-zongzhu is almost to be expected. What worries Nie Mingjue, though…

At one point not too horribly long ago, he’d thought that Wen Ruohan and their father were friends. But he has heard the rumors, traded in conspiratorial whispers at the funeral when the gossipers thought he couldn’t hear, of how their father had allowed the leader of the Wen sect to inspect the saber that now lay in shards in his coffin. 

“Hey.” Fingertips tap his temple, drawing him back to find his brother standing in front of him alone, his conversation apparently finished. “You alright? You were gone somewhere for a bit there.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. What did Grandmaster Lan want?”

“Not much.” His brother stretches, clearly glad to be out of the meeting, and Nie Mingjue doesn’t miss the way Wen-zongzhu’s gaze tracks the motion.

There is something predatory there, something that reminds him uncomfortably of a tiger stalking a deer.

His hands involuntarily clench, and it’s probably for the better he doesn’t yet have a saber to draw or else he’s likely to cause their first diplomatic incident.

“Jue-er.”

“Sorry. You were saying?”

Nie Huaisang tilts his head slightly and narrows his eyes, but lets it go. “Since I won’t be able to attend the lectures in the summer, Grandmaster Lan has offered to send copies of some of the material I’ll miss.”

He can’t help a disbelieving grin. “And you accepted?”

His brother swats him in the arm. “Brat. Not even a week and you’re already sassing your sect leader,” he says, tone cut with amusement. “It’s fine, it’s not like he’s expecting me to actually study any of it as classwork, it’ll just be there if I need to-”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees servants arriving to guide their guests to their lodgings for the night, and he is more than a little relieved to see that Wen Ruohan won’t be one of the ones staying that long. 

At least they won’t have to sleep with blades by their pillows this time. 

Even so, he knows from the weight of that stare that there will undoubtedly be others.

Fine.

Nie Mingjue is nine years old, five months away from turning ten and gaining his saber, and he will start a war if the bastard that took their father touches his brother.

[amysteriousmessenger]

Could I request a coffee date headcanons with Zen and Saeran please? I love your blog!

I’m super tired and in a bit of pain today so I hope that these are alright!! Thank you!! <3 

Coffee date with Zen/Hyun Ryu Headcanons 

Zen isn’t much of a coffee drinker, he enjoys a cup every now and then but he’s not someone to go particularly fancy with it. He doesn’t really have a lot of knowledge about coffee, and absolutely doesn’t understand why people spend so much on it. He’ll go off muttering something about how Mr Trust Fund probably spends more than Zen’s entirely weekly paycheck on a box of coffee. Personally, Zen’s happy with just a simple cappuccino if he’s in a coffee shop or standard filter coffee if he’s at rehearsals and needs to push through.

For your coffee date, he would absolutely suggest going to Jaehee’s store in order to support her but if you’re on a date far away from Jaehee’s store, such as on a day trip or travelling for a show, his next best suggestion is Starbucks. 

He doesn’t have a lot of sugar or cream in his coffee, since he doesn’t want it to affect his skin. Zen would absolutely buy your drink, he doesn’t have a lot of money so he likes to be able to treat you when he can afford to, especially on dates. 

He enjoys being able to spend the time with you and is very attentive to what you’re talking about, he thinks it’s nice to spend time with you in a daytime setting, since the majority of your dates are evenings in a bar and sharing a couple of beers, or watching TV with a takeaway in his apartment.

He likes the smell of coffee whilst he’s in the store, but he wouldn’t want it to follow him on his clothes for too long because he complains about it covering his cologne and his ‘natural pheromones’.

He’d like to go for a walk around the shops with you afterwards, just to go window shopping or to look at cute outfits or lingerie that he thinks you’d look nice in. 

He’ll be extra happy if he gets recognised by a fan, and think it’s adorable when you hold his hand a little tighter out of jealousy if they start being more than a little bit too friendly with him. Once they leave, he’ll wrap his arm around your way and kiss your cheek, assuring you that he isn’t going anywhere.

Coffee date with GE Saeran Choi Headcanons

Saeran really enjoys coffee dates, he likes finding quiet little coffee shops online and then going to try them out with you. His order changes depending on what specials the store has, but usually he’ll order a coffee with varying syrups if he’s tired and a sweet hot chocolate for anything else. 

He avoids busy chain coffee shops like the plague, going to Starbucks for him would be a last resort. They’re far too stressful for him and he doesn’t think they need his money, independent coffee shops feel a lot more safer and comfortable to him.

Saeran really enjoys be able to go on dates with you like this because they’re calm and peaceful, so they don’t test his anxiety too much. It allows him to be able to see just a little bit more of the world whilst still having you by his side.

He also always investigates and orders a cake to go with his hot drink, what he orders will depend on his mood but if he absolutely cannot choose between two things, he’ll get one of the cakes in a ‘to go’ bag and will have it later on in the evening. 

He also enjoys buying your drink and a cake for you. If you have a specific order in mind, he’ll get it for you, but he’d be very happy if you let him choose your order for you and bring it to you as a surprise. He knows your taste very well so he’d never order anything that you didn’t like.

He also buys different coffee syrups from the coffee shops you visit, he likes hazelnut and caramel mainly but was super excited when he found one store that sold flower flavoured syrup and he bought a bottle of Rose syrup and a bottle of Violet. 

In the summer, sometimes he’d order a fruit tea but he’s more likely to make his own at home so he can take it out in the garden with him and he can add different fruits to it. 

He likes to go for a walk in the park after your coffee date to look around the scenery and watch the sky. Saeran is also someone that would like to go and feed the ducks in any ponds he sees, but is a little bit frightened when they get out of the water and start coming towards him.

[lochrannn]

Warnings: Sexual Content (M Rating)

Characters: Lila Pitts; Diego Hargreeves; Hargreeves Siblings (background)

Relationship: Lila Pitts/Diego Hargreeves

Roommates AU; Fake Marriage; Slow Burn; Mutual Pining

Chapter 1/?

-

So it’s been a week since Lila fooled around with her roommate… her landlord?

… Diego! It’s been a week since Lila fooled around with Diego and she’s just a bit unsure about how she’s supposed to feel about it.

It’s not like things have become completely awkward, per se. They hadn’t been hanging out beforehand, they’d just been two people who were polite and courteous about sharing a living space.

One time she’d offered him the rest of her dinner that she’d cooked when he had come in really late in the evening - he kept odd working hours, but then she’s always thought Americans are bad at striking a healthy work life balance - and she’d kept him company in the kitchen while he was eating. They’d had a pleasant chat and she’d felt reassured then that he seemed like a decent enough guy, but that was basically that.

Until he walked into the living room one sweltering afternoon, while she was in the kitchen, apparently didn’t realise she was there, decided to have himself some alone time, and all of a sudden she was treated to his deep, rich voice making all of these rumbling sexy noises, and when she spotted his face turned up to the ceiling where his head was resting on the back of the couch, eyebrows knitted together, full lips slightly parted, eyes closed in concentration, it hit her like a tone of bricks how fucking hot he was.

So in the spur of the moment she decided to get herself involved. And all things considered, she can’t get herself to regret that. Not least because Diego reciprocated so thoroughly that for the last week she’s not been able to stop thinking about his lips, and tongue, and teeth on her every time she’s bumped into him. And sometimes even completely out of nowhere when he isn’t even around.

She told him not to make things weird after and he’d cockily responded with, “Why would I?”, leant into her where she was still sitting on the sofa, kissed her till she was breathless, clearly encouraged by the way she couldn’t help melting against her, before heading out again and to go and meet some family.

And maybe he isn’t being weird, maybe it’s her. He’s not mentioned it again and they’ve gone back to mostly just living their separate lives while in the same space, but maybe with this gentle underlying buzz of tension that wasn’t really there before.

And Lila’s noticed that when she finished his bottle of fizzy ice tea, he replaced it right away but hasn’t touched it himself since. Curious.

-

And so, of course, they inevitably end up in bed together.

It’s hot, and fun, and maybe a little rough, because she niggles and needles at Diego until he holds her down, until her muscles ache from how hard she’s shaking, and afterwards she doesn’t get up and go back to her room, instead she falls asleep with him, too tired and sated to move.

Lila wakes up in the middle of the night and is just a bit disoriented at first until the memories flood back in and she realises she’s lying with her head cushioned on Diego’s arm and her back nestled up against his side. He must have his face turned towards her because she can feel his breath ever so slightly hit the back of her head.

Idly, she wonders if she should head to her own bed, avoid the inevitable awkwardness of waking up together in the morning. At least, she thinks, her legs will support her now, she wasn’t too sure about that earlier. But she’s so comfortable and it’s been a while since she’s gone to sleep with anyone and not just fucked them, that she decides against bursting their little bubble and instead lays her hand in Diego’s outstretched palm in front of her, interlaces their fingers, and turns her head a bit so she can press her lips to his biceps.

Lila thought he was asleep, but when she kisses his arm she can feel him hum deep in his chest and he turns around and readjusts till he has his whole front tightly pressed to her back and throws his arm over her torso, splaying his long fingers over her belly.

“Hey,” he whispers and kisses her shoulder gently.

With a hum of her own, Lila stretches like a cat, mostly in response to the shiver that runs down her spine at the sound of his voice and then she thinks fuck it and covers his hand with hers and carefully moves it down and in between her legs.

Diego catches on immediately and nudges his knee between her thighs to give them more room to stroke and tease her together and Lila is delighted with the way he lets her direct his fingers, show him where she wants to be touched and how, while Diego scrapes his teeth over the top of her spine and then sucks hard at the spot.

It’s all too much and not enough for Lila, as she feels her muscles flutter around nothing and when she starts grinding into his hand that she’s pressing hard against herself with her own, she feels his arousal nudge against her bum. On impulse Lila tilts her hips further forward and reaches in between her own legs to align them, and before she can push back, Diego nudges his hips against her and pushes into her almost painfully slowly.

As a shaky breath escapes her lips and she hears a very similar noise from Diego, that he hums into her neck, a tiny rational part of her thinks they should have probably stopped to get a condom, but she’s too turned on to hold on to that thought, when Diego starts rhythmically filling to the hilt, never thrusting, never speeding up, just slowly but surely winding her up, until she has to sink her teeth into the flesh of his arm, making him hiss but not draw away, to muffle her loud moans.

Diego’s fingers continue to rub her in gentle but unwavering circles and Lila moves her own hand to feel where they’re joined. And as she feels with her fingertips how he’s stretching her, how tightly her muscles are contracting around him, the dam breaks and the orgasm that has so persistently been building washes through her, making her skin tingle from the roots of her hair to her toes and she makes a small whimpering noise with how she feels it absolutely everywhere.

Diego grunts and she can feel him begin to pull away, so on some possibly hormone driven instinct, she reaches back quickly and clamps her hand on his hip to hold him in place.

“Lila, I’m gonna…” Diego rushes out in a whisper but Lila interrupts him with, “it’s ok!” and a harsh breath escapes him before he pushes into her only a few more times and then empties himself inside her with a soft moan.

They’re both panting despite the fact that they barely moved the entire time and as Lila can feel her heart racing and a warm feeling spreading out from her centre and all through her body and into her limbs, she turns around in Diego’s arms, ignores the slightly unpleasant sensation between her legs, hooks one over his hip so she can hold onto him tightly and softly brushes her lips against his, glad for the dark, because she’s not so sure she knows what she’d do if she could see his expression properly.

Diego responds by tightening his arms around her and deepening the kiss, until all she can focus on is the way his tongue slides against hers, the soft pressure of his full lips, and the way they stretch into a smile as she hums drowsily into his mouth.

Lila loses track of time and at some point they must fall asleep because she wakes in the early hours of the morning, slightly less entangled in Diego’s limbs but still pressed into his side, and in the cold harsh light of day, as her rational thoughts are no longer completely being drowned out by her desire, she realises the stupid mistake she made during the night, and swallowing down her panic, slips out of Diego’s hold and his room to find a pharmacy and a morning after pill as quickly as possible.

-

Diego is drifting in and out of sleep when the comfortable weight at his side suddenly disappears and Lila leaves him in the early hours of the morning, closing the door silently behind herself but somehow the sound nevertheless reverberates around Diego’s sparsely furnished room.

His arm feels so suddenly unoccupied and useless that he tucks it behind his head as he stares up at the ceiling and watches dustmotes float around in the sunlight that filters in through his half drawn drapes.

He doesn’t go back to sleep, even though a quick look at his alarm clock tells him that it’s very early, instead he lies awake and frets.

How has he let this happen again? He’d felt guilty enough about it the first time around and had promised himself not to indulge in anything more with Lila again, whatever his feelings might be and yet now he’s taken her to bed and though she was enthusiastic about it, how can he be fully certain that she doesn’t think he has some kind of expectation now, or that her continued stay in his apartment is somehow dependent on her willingness fuck him?

And then he remembers that he slept with her without a condom.

“Fuck!” he says out loud. He’s not some horny teenager anymore, he knows so much better than this. Unbidden his thoughts drift to his biological mother, a woman he’s never known, and wonders whether she’d been in a similar situation, whether some asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants had left her high and dry when she got pregnant, leaving her with no other option than to give him away.

Diego covers his eyes with his hand, pressing his fingers into them in an attempt to stave off the tears that are threatening to leak out.

Fuck, he’s a grown-ass man, and he might have a failing business and apparently really shitty luck with women, cause of course the first time he meets someone he feels truly drawn to in years, she’s his fucking tenant, but he’s damned if he won’t take responsibilty for his own actions.

He’s got to get to work, but the next time he sees her, he needs to clear the air with Lila.

[rainbowwritesthings]

I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight

Hughie reached up and felt the edge of the knife that was lodged in his ribs and could almost feel where the tip of the knife exited from his back. Butcher grabbed the hand that was fumbling with the knife handle and brought Hughie’s knuckles to his lips, “don’t worry bought that now.”

Hughie dies for awhile. Butcher freaks out. AO3

Soldier Boy stared Hughie down, somehow managing to exude disinterest while still maintaining an energy that spoke of impending bloodshed.

Hughie forced himself not to look around for Butcher, who had slipped away to try and track down the very Supe measuring the young man up.

“Where are your friends?”

The sudden baritone had Hughie jolting slightly and his usual instinct regarding a very powerful Supe asking questions rang true.

“Who?”

Butcher had made fun of Hughie countless times because of his ‘play dumb’ strategy, and the gruff man would always end the jab by saying it only made people more suspicious.

MM and Frenchie had made similar, less pointed comments about his lies under pressure, even Kimiko had once given him a look when Hughie dumbly asked, “who’s Hughie Campbell?” When someone was trying to intimidate him.

The heavy sound of boots walking towards him had Hughie’s heart beat harder, and he wished he could at least pretend to be brave while facing the first superhero.

This was Soldier Boy’s first meeting with any of the group and Hughie could understand why this was so disappointing for the man.

Soldier Boy stood in front of him and raised his eyebrows, “you’re really a member of The Boys? The group that kills Superheroes.”

Hughie blinked and opened his mouth, only to be interrupted when the man continued on.

“Your leader is former SAS and CIA. His right-hand man was a combat medic, left hand man was a gun-runner and chemist expert. Oh, and the other member is a trained Super terrorist.”

Hughie noticed the lack of mention for Starlight and hoped it meant that her spot on the Seven meant she was safe.

The Supe got even closer until they were just inches apart, “you used to upsell bullshit equipment for a Radio Shack. Why the fuck are you here?”

God Hughie wished he had a good answer to that, or at least the spine to say something cool like he knew Butcher would have.

“It’s a long story.”

This answer gained him a grunt and Soldier Boy stepped back, with no warning his fist shot out and Hughie fell to the ground. The Supe lowered down to straddle the man and Hughie tried desperately to get out from under him.

When two hands linked around his throat, Hughie froze and stared up.

“I could snap your neck and there’d be nothing you could do to stop me.”

Hughie was already well aware of this fact, and somehow being in such a powerless position eased the panic welling inside of him. As Soldier Boy’s grip around his throat tightened, Hughie grabbed his knife.

The first knife that Butcher had gifted him in the guise of safety, the one Hughie kept with him at all times since receiving it. He used it to stab the Supe in the arm, and Soldier Boy didn’t so much as flinch as he shifted to hold Hughie down with one hand.

The other hand reached up to yank out the knife, he examined the knife and looked down at Hughie.

“Maybe you aren’t as balless as I thought.”

Hughie sucked in air and heard heavy footfalls closing into to him. Butcher finally arrived with stomping feet and a shout, “Oi, cunt!” As Butcher shot at the Supe, Soldier Boy only looked up at him as a courtesy.

“Finally, a true member of the team.”

With a cold smile the Supe maintained eye contact with Butcher and rammed the knife through Hughie’s chest. Hughie couldn’t help but scream when the knife ripped through his lung, cartilage, and bones, and after it was in he weakly grasped at his chest.

When Hughie grasped about the area he could only feel the tip of the handle sticking out, the rest of the blade and handle was buried firmly in his lung and ribcage.

Butcher let out a roar and the rest of clip was unloaded into the Supe, Soldier Boy merely stood up casually over Hughie and wipe his bloody hand on his pants uniform.

Burcher was still holding an empty gun to the Supers face, seething with unbridled rage.

“I’ll kill every fuckin’ one of ya’!” For once an emotion other than boredom crossed Soldier Boy’s face, but Hughie’s vision was too blurry to make out what expression it was exactly, but it looked almost like surprise.

Black filled the whole of his vision and peace was momentarily granted, until strong hands were firmly shaking his shoulders and a voice was ringing in his ears.

Butcher came into a blurry world view that slowly cleared until all Hughie could see was Billy, cradling him in his arms with a desperate expression.

“Hold on now Hughie. Others are on their way, gonna get you all patched up.”

That was the most blatant lie Butcher had ever told him, even if MM rolled in right now with a squad of trained medics it wouldn’t matter.

Hughie could almost feel where the tip of the knife exited from his back and reached up to the area once again.

Butcher grabbed the hand that was fumbling around the knife handle and brought Hughie’s knuckles to his lips, “don’t worry bought’ that now.”

Hughie tried to focus on the man, truly he did, but he was also trying to gather air into his lungs. He was drowning in himself, there was no other way to describe it.

Butcher seemed to pick up on his gasping for air and with a gentle warning, lifted Hughie so he was braced on his lap.

Slightly more upright Hughie coughed up a spray of blood, coating both Butcher and Hughie. It was still hard to breathe, he could feel the blood pulling in his chest and congealing in his throat.

“Breathe darlin’, just breathe.”

At the command Hughie drew in a wet breath and immediately coughed harder, “Butch-“

“Shh, save your breath luv.”

A calloused hand ran through his hair before cupping his cheek, “you’ll be fine, made of strong stuff you are. This ain’t nothin’ compared to what you been through.”

Hughie’s vision cleared enough to see Butcher, more distraught than he had ever seen him before which lead to a new resolve.

“Listen-please listen to me.”

It was odd how exhausting that simple sentence was and the dawning comprehension that he was dying finally beginning to hit him. This understanding must have shown on his face because Butcher placed more pressure on the wound with a feral look in his eyes.

“You’re gonna be fine, ain’t nothin’ gonna happen to ya.”

Holy shit, Billy Butcher was in complete denial about what was happening.

“Billy. I love you. Please don’t-“

More burning pain had Hughie wheezing past the blood, clutching Butcher’s hand in a vice grip. When the burn ebbed, he blinked past the black spots.

“Don’t give up.”

While the man knew he was in no way comparable to Becca, his death wouldn’t leave a gaping wound in Butchers heart like hers had, he also admitted that he was important to Butcher in a different way.

Hopefully someone else would fill his place as both a member, as well as someone to stand beside Butcher. Someone who could shine a light in the dark but was still resilient enough to stand against the Supes without fear.

He must have blacked out again because when he was blinking through the tunnel around his eyes he could hear Butcher whispering, it almost sounded like a prayer.

“You can’t give me a light in the fuckin’ cave just to take it away, not like this. Not him, please, anyone other than him.”

Hughie could hear a harsh wheezing and it took a moment to realize it was coming from him, distantly he could feel the pressure Butcher was keeping on the wound and the feel of Butchers face buried in Hughie’s hair.

He tried to swallow the thick metallic in his throat but ended up painfully coughing instead of forcing it down. Somehow coughing around the thick paste painting his insides hurt so much worse that the actual stab wound did.

Though now that he thought about it, he could still feel the knife stuck between his ribs, moving around and tearing something else up every time he tried to breathe to deeply.

God, there was so much more Hughie wanted to say to Butcher. He wanted to comfort the man who had already been through so much and let him know that whatever he found so special in Hughie could be found in someone else at least ten fold.

Hughie could hear the rest of the Boys arrive, not able to determine who was who when they filtered in but with sudden resolve he forced himself to focus.

“I-I can’t do anything about this man.”

He could hear MM distantly, as if his ears were packed full of wool, but despite how far away the voice was he could hear the pain laced in every word. Hughie felt cold in a way he hadn’t felt before, this wasn’t like a sudden cold snap that struck before you before the space heater was ready, instead it went deeper and curved around his bones, his very soul even.

He was also thirsty, despite how thick the blood coated his throat he still wanted something, anything, to quench his thirst. He could hear another voice, muffled as it was, and was able to determine it was Frenchie.

The only thing keeping him from floating away growled and Hughie forcibly peeled back the weights holding his eyelids closed. Everything was tilted on it’s side and he could barely see past the tunnel around his vision.

Billy’s face slowly came into focus and when he saw Hughie looking up at him, he gave a terrible smile. Not the one that promised impending bloodshed or illegal activities, but a new one entirely.

It took a while but Hughie was able to focus on MM next, the man looked as if he had been the one stabbed and gave the younger man a reassuring smile that contrasted with every other body signal he was giving Hughie.

Frenchie was rubbing the back of his head and pacing, but when he saw Hughie’s eyes on him he stopped and stooped down.

“Petit Hughie.”

He gave the dying man a shaky smile, and Hughie gave him a weak smile back. At this Frenchie looked around and sniffled slightly before getting up to pace around more.

Hughie looked at Kimiko and was shocked to see tears gathered around her eyes, her gaze was locked into his chest and the barest hint of the hilt that was visible sticking out of his chest. She was breathing deeply and Hughie knew she was visualizing taking the knife that killed him and slitting Soldier Boys throat with it.

Which led to Hughie imagining what the group would do next.

Butcher would go on a complete warpath, maybe even worse than it had been before. Homelander would always be the first mark, but now Soldier Boy would be directly under that name.

God Hughie hoped that Frenchie and mainly MM could keep Butcher, and maybe Kimiko, from trying to fight Soldier Boy without a plan.

There was no reason for all of them to crumble under one Supes hand over him, though honestly Hughie reasoned that none of them were that foolhardy to try and rush towards revenge before he had started to decompose.

Well if anything else, Annie could always get them to at least consider reason if their vision became clouded. He could hear Butcher above him and forced himself to focus.

“Please luv, you can't leave me. I love you Hughie, fuckin’ hell I love you.”

Hughie wanted to say that he loved him just as much, that Butcher was never what he expected from a partner but he didn’t regret the decision to join him even if this was the result.

“B-billy, thank you.”

For everything, all the terrible gory bits and the sweet moments that made life feel worth living. An ironic sentiment considering how close death was breathing down his neck right now.

Hughie hoped that when they broke the news to his father, they would lie and say it was instant. That there was no pain, no Hughie wheezing around his own blood.

Fuck he was really going to die, wasn’t he?

Hughie vomited up more burning blood as Butcher tried to sooth him and try as he might the numbness filled him completely. Swallowing Hughie whole in a dark embrace, free of pain and worry.

-- 

Hughie felt the world come into view in pieces. First there was a searing burn surrounding his very existence, threatening to burn him alive. Then the burn centered on his chest, and the only instinct Hughie had was to try and expel it.

He felt hands shifting him around, pulling him in different ways so that he could vomit the substance easier. Every time Hughie felt like he could take a breath a new wave of fire would hit.

Several objects that were suspiciously hard found their way trapped in his throat; he wasn’t sure who dug around his mouth to fish them out but Hughie owed his life to whoever did so.

Finally, when all the congealed blood and bits of bone had been expelled Hughie could take in full breaths instead of the chocked gasps he had been using before.

He vowed to never take his lungs and the beautiful feeling of filling them with air for granted. With uncoordinated blinks the world started to slide in place around him.

MM was smiling down at him and that answered the question of who was keeping him upright, “holy fuck man.”

Frenchie lunged forward to kiss both of his cheeks, speaking quickly in his own language. He got the sense that Frenchie was putting to words the pure relief that shone through his face.

Kimiko was practically beaming at him; she was signing to him and Hughie knew that he should recognize what she was saying but couldn’t focus long enough to create a translation. However he didn’t need to know exactly what she was saying, the meaning was clear when she was smiling so openly at him.

Past her Butcher was staring at him, completely still except for the way his chest was heaving. His expression was of blatant horror mixed with large dose of disgust, he wasn’t looking at Hughie’s face and if his jaw clenched any harder his teeth may be in danger.

That was what splashed Hughie in a new wave of panic.

“I died.”

Saying the words out loud sparked Hughie into moving, jerking around and clawing at his chest.

“I fucking died! What the fuck?!”

MM was trying to calm him down, gently holding his wrist when Hughie began to scratch at his throat.

“Oh god, oh my god. I was- I!”

His eyes darted around to the others, trying to get them to understand.

Kimiko had a look of understanding that he hadn’t seen from her before and Frenchie was leaving to grab something from the front of the van.

Throughout all of this Butcher hadn’t moved, though his face hardened as he watched Hughie thrash weakly in MM’s hold.

Butcher, who hated Supes of any kind, who still didn’t trust Kimiko or want anything to do with her despite her status as a firm member of the group. He tolerated her because she was useful, a good fighter as well as a good shot.

Hughie wasn’t either of those things, and as such wasn’t needed like she was.

“You’re going to kill me.”

Hughie’s voice shook with the statement, there was little doubt in his mind what Butcher was really thinking when he eyed to closed chest wound. Frenchie moved in front of him, brandishing a needle.

“Petit Hughie, this is going to help you to relax. Do not worry mon amie, it will be alright.”

Hughie thrashed about and the man knew he was babbling, begging the others for so many things but he couldn’t hear his own words.

Would he go in a cage until they decided what to do?

Small but strong hands held his legs down and Hughie felt the prick of the needle going in. His vision blurred almost immediately after, and finally he felt someone push his hair from his face.

[howlingowl-wra]

"I come from a polyamorous family and have been raised around it most my life. I tried to be monogamous but it just never sat right. Now trying to get back into the dating scene years later, I ain't sure how to brooch the subject with people or if I should just give up. It seems every lad looses interest or tries ta be too possessive."

Pin: Pin thinks for a moment, “Its sadly a tricky thing, as you really have to look for people that are ok with polyamory emotionally. That really restricts the dating pool. Be up front though, even if it closes some doors.”

Lance: Lips briefly knead together as Lance ponders the predicament and tried to see the world through the lens of someone who practiced romance in a way he did not. After a moment, he gently murmurs, “I would express such thoughts to those you’ve interest in. I may not myself be able to fully understand polyamory... but I know that many others out there are of the same heart as you. You need only communicate to find the right ones; but do not give up...!”

Tanner: "If monogamy does not sit right, then it does not sit right, and that is your right to assert, the same as any other. It seems to me that it will probably always be a little bit awkward, in much the same way that reminding someone I am not interested in sex is awkward. The easiest thing to do is, as some of you say, 'rip the bandage off,' and state it plainly, early on. 'I am polyamorous and if that is not something you are comfortable with, we can part ways without any bad blood.'"

Skeltyr: Skletyr takes a long drag from his cigarette as he mulls the question over, smoke wafting from the rot holes in his cheek. After a long moment, he pulls the cigarette from his mouth and says, "Now look, mate, I ain' got much experience wif the whole poly scene, bu' I do know this; if a man don' respec' you, frow the whole man out. Jus' ge' ridda 'im, 'e's no' worf your time, luv. If 'e ain' gonna respec' your datin' preferences, 'oo's to say 'e'll respec' anyfin' else?"

 "If a bird I fancied came up to me and said, "I'm polyamorous and I need my freedom to date ovver blokes," then yeah, I migh' be uncomfor'able wif tha', bu' it's on me to reconcile my feelings and weigh how much I care abou' the girl versus my own needs and wants. 'Asn' 'appened ye', bu' 'oo's to say it won'?" Skeltyr shrugs, pinching off the burning end of his cigarette before tucking the rest of the stub behind his ear. "From wha' I understand, polyamory ain' lackin' in jealousy, anyway, it's jus' a matter of talkin' it ou' and dealing wif your feelings in a respec'ful manner, and no' all people is up to tha'. It sucks tha' you're gonna have a much larger filter for datin' than most folks, bu' I'm no' sure there's much to be done abou' tha' than to be secure in yourself and willing to asser' your righ' to be respec'ed and trea'ed fairly.""If a bloke can' 'andle a strong, asser'ive par'ner 'oo knows their own worf?  Chuck 'em."

Saeil: "If it doesn't sit right, don't try to do it because it's not fair to you but also not fair to the other person, if you're secretly unhappy in the relationship.  I'm polyamorous myself and I find it best to say from the beginning what you're feelings are on it.  You don't have to make it a big deal when you bring it up, but definitely tell the person sooner rather than later.  While it might seem hopeless right now, don't give up.   It's better to be in a relationship where you are fully accepted for who you are, relationship preferences and all rather than just settling so that you're not alone, you know?  It might seem worth it in the moment to settle but eventually, it's just not gonna work out and you'll be unhappy. Like-minded people are out there and in the end, the right sort of person or people are worth waiting for."

Kav: "I completely relate to this issue. Being poly myself, I've found it difficult to get into a romantic relationship, especially right out of the dating pool. Thing is, even couples that are poly have possessiveness and jealousy come up and it's up to them and their partners to work or how to handle it. If a person isn't interested in discussing it then it's a good thing you've not gotten more involved with them so it can be a less painful break off. People are more open now than years back - telling someone upfront during a date is worth it versus hiding it or suppressing yourself." She hums. "You'll have to look at yourself as well. What kind of polyamous person are you? There are many layers to polyamory, as you most likely know, and it's up to you to figure out what you're comfortable with and what compromises you can make."

[rosethornewrites]

Monday’s T & G fics

Here are the fics I read today! Some of these are ones I’m subscribed to (and behind on).

Finished:

Rated T:

Encounter - Grass Butterfly, by ArchiveWriter

LWJ POV - set just after WWX's death and LWJ having suffered his punishment.

Context: Timeline mash-up. In my interpretation of events, Wen Quing and Wen Ning go to Jinlingtai alone; a lynchmob of clansmen led by Jiang Cheng besiege Burial Mounds whilst WWX is away with little Wen Yuan to try and get them back; when he returns, he can only hide the child in the charred tree before flying to face the massed clans in his last battle. LWJ chases after him – trying to find him after learning of the Wen siblings’ fate, he races to the old mountain, finds the child and rescues him to Cloud Recesses, then flies to the battlefield at Nevernight where he defends WWX and injures the elders of his own clan, who on behalf of his brother and uncle try to capture him and whisk him to safety before the clans overwhelm WWX (and potentially LWJ with him), then gets dragged off to Cloud Recesses after WWX jumps off the cliff.

two scheming babies scheme murder, by anxiouswreck0_0 (second in a series)

SangYao get married! Knowing how the last wedding went, how will this one go?

Mourning for Love, by bingolin

Lan Wangji had not thought about him in a while. But all who looked at him could almost see the ghost embracing him from behind and weighing him down- regardless of whether they knew to whom the ghost belonged.

Lan Wangji had not thought about him in a while.

But tonight, he was thinking about him.

Home is in Your Arms, by kitsyu

Lan Wangi is trying to grade papers; his husband is a welcome distraction.

(Just a short bit of post-canon fluff and domestic life in the cloud recesses. Minor spoilers if you squint)

Rated G:

In Which Lan Xichen Finds His Brother’s Behavior Concerning, by AshurbanipalJones

“He drank the wine he drank, suffered the wounds he suffered.”—Módào Zǔshī

But you're somebody else, by hamlets_ghost (second in a series)

Two brothers reunite for the first time after many, many years...

Wei Wuxian's plan for sneaking alcohol into the cloud recess is less than successful

Now I can't stand to be alone, by hamlets_ghost (third in a series)

Wei Wuxian is out night hunting alone and bites off more than he can chew.

Luckily a handsome rogue cultivator comes to his rescue.

Don't need you, by Poitre_4

Prompt: 178. "Don't do it. If you attack now, then I won't be able to keep you safe"

Character: Jin Ling

The Best Medicine, by BaconnEggs

Wei Wuxian knows something is wrong when he wakes up before Lan Wangji does.

It's nine in the morning. Waking up at this time is par for the course for Wei Wuxian, but absolutely unheard of for Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian turns over to look at him, and even in the dim light filtering in from the curtains, the drawn paleness of his skin is hard to miss.Wei Wuxian grazes a tentative hand over Lan Wangji’s forehead and he seems to wince at the touch, face tightening as a low groan escapes his lips. The knuckles of Wei Wuxian’s fingers are met with dry, unpleasant warmth.

A fever.

(AKA Wei Wuxian takes care of a sick Lan Wangji because dammit Lan Wangji deserves to be taken care of and given soup as much as Wei Wuxian does)

Alternate Evil, by enchantingmiranchahalo

Post-canon Wei Wuxian time travels to the moment he's reunited with Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng after the Burial Mounds.

Serial Killer, by nirejseki

“So what are you going to do about it, Xichen?” Jin Guangyao heard Nie Mingjue demanding, and paused, tilting his head to the side to listen rather than proceeding to enter the room.

Nie Mingjue had gotten increasingly irascible as of late, no doubt in large part to the growing influence of the Song of Turmoil that he’d been playing for him, and much of his ire was (correctly, although unknowingly) aimed at Jin Guangyao. It therefore would be better to stay outside and listen, to figure out what argument Nie Mingjue was using and design appropriate countermeasures – to convince Lan Xichen that Nie Mingjue was, as usual, making a fuss when there was no reason, and that it was safe to simply ignore him or downplay his concerns.

“Da-ge…”

“Don’t da-ge me! He’s killing people!”

Jin Guangyao tensed.

intersections, by sasamelons

He had just made it to the streetcar stop when he heard his name being called.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying clattered his way down the street with his hastily-thrown on jacket and wild shoulder-length hair falling out of his ponytail. Lan Zhan had given up on trying to fight his way across the crowd before he left, had only managed to catch Wei Ying’s eye and wave from the other side of the room. His heart sped up at the thought that the other man had run out of the bar to say goodbye.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan,” he said in between pants as he caught his breath. Despite his exhaustion and eagerness to get home only a moment ago, Lan Zhan had the sudden thought that he might be happy to stand on this street corner forever, if Wei Ying kept saying his name like that. “You’re leaving already?”

--

Growing up, at five intersections.

A Game of Chess..., by Ladycroft4evr

Just WangXian hanging out at Cloud Recesses, Life after Yi City... specifically after that insanely adorable bunny lantern/heart eyes at Tanzou market <3

Of course WangXian have a heck of a lot of free time between then and the Epic Confession @ Jinlintai :D So A bored Wei WuXian suggests a game of Chess (Weiqi/Go), small bet between WangXian...juniors make a cameo too lol.. Have fun, folks :)

Unfinished:

Rated T:

I've Heard of Second Chances, but This Is Ridiculous, by velvet_green

One of Wei Wuxian’s experimental talisman arrays sends himself, his husband and his brother to that mythical land of long ago – the Gusu Lan lectures of their youth.

Wei Wuxian is amused. Lan Wangji is silent. Jiang Cheng is angry.

And their younger versions are mostly just very, very confused.

Muted, by Akabara_13

Jiang FengMian thought the boy would talk again once the storm passed, but Madam Yu praised his silence. The boy would not talk to anyone, but his brother and sister.

demons run when a good man goes to war, by Miranda_Aurelia

In their attempt to consolidate power, Wei Wuxian is framed and executed by the Jin Sect.

A pity, because Wei-xiong was possibly the only person that could have stopped Lan Wangji from razing Koi Tower to the ground, thought Nie Huaisang uncharitably. As for him? They really should have left his brother alone.

Serendipity, by midnight_soul

Lan Wangji is tired of his family’s passive-aggressive persistence in his love life. He will not go on another blind date; the first two times were disastrous enough.

Wei Wuxian has had enough of his family telling him no one would want to stick with him, no one decent at least.

One trying to live his life peacefully and another wanting to prove his family wrong, how can their plan fail? They’re practically meant for each other.

Decay exists as an extinct form of life., by Amanie

Wei wuxian dies after years with the people he loved.

And then he woke up.

——

A jar of emperor’s smile crashed to the ground.

And Wei Wuxian screamed.

“How do you kill an immortal?”

Rated G:

The Undesirable Son, by FragranceLotion97

Wei Wuxian has been living with his Master, Baoshan Sanren, ever since his parents died at a Night Hunt when he was ten years old. Years later, his Master sends him off to join the lecture in Cloud Recesses for a special secret mission to save the entire Cultivation World from the heinous dictator, Wen Ruohan.

Wei Wuxian's journey in finding the real meaning of family and love in Cloud Recesses.

Patriarch, by nilavu

In which Hanguang-jun sends a letter to the Yiling Patriarch inviting him to Jin Rulan's one-month celebration and receives a surprising letter back.

[werevulvi]

What is the difference between "gender euphoria" and just satisfaction over doing/getting something one wanted?? i've seen so many ppl describe GE and (excepting the agp boners which clearly are being sugarcoated as "euphoria" to deflect fetishistic stigma) i don't really see the special difference between that and general satisfaction over say, getting a promotion, or buying an object or book we really craved. Does it depend on ruminative filtering though a lens of gender roles in the subject??

Thank you for your question, I think it's an interesting topic! :) Honestly, I'm not entirely sold on the concept of gender euphoria myself even, but I understand it as a strong sense of ease/satisfaction at gender dysphoria being relieved, which I myself experience on occasion. I mean, I was being a little facetious in the tags when I said "I guess this is what the kids call gender euphoria" if that wasn't clear. Although I think there's merit to the emotional/psychological experience of a strong sense of ease/satisfaction at relief of gender dysphoria, I don't know if calling it "gender euphoria" is helpful for communication, aside from putting a feeling into words, a feeling which would not exist without a (pre-existing) feeling of gender dysphoria, which would make it a feeling unique to dysphoric people, and that alone could make it worthwhile to give a name to. However, I think there's a risk that naming it like that makes people reduce gender dysphoria to merely a feeling, or indeed merely a reaction to gender roles... instead of seeing it as a real medical condition, similar to how someone may reduce clinical depression to simply "feeling sad." I think this makes it harder to convey and explain what dysphoria is, in discourse, to loved ones and even to a doctor, by even just mentioning gender euphoria - which I think poses a risk to gender dysphoria being even more disrespected, misunderstood and overlooked than it already is. People then calling even their boners, hairstyles, etc, gender euphoria makes it even harder for people to take (their) dysphoria seriously in the first place. To answer your first question, I think the difference between "gender euphoria" and the satisfaction one might feel over getting a promotion for example, is that gender euphoria is a direct response to the ease of symptoms of a medical condition. I think gender euphoria is (or should be used as) more akin to the satisfaction of no longer suffering chronic physical pain, or the satisfaction of a difficult skin condition finally clearing up, etc. But of course people these days throw around the term gender euphoria all willy nilly. I mean, 10 or so years ago, people tended to only really use it for the satisfaction of relief of physical/sex dysphoria. But even then, I think it poses the same issues as I mentioned above. So to answer your last question, yeah kinda. It depends on first having the medical condition of gender dysphoria, and secondly that treating it with any form of transition that changes the appearance of sex characteristics, is indeed helpful for the person. Then it can be a good indicator that transition is indeed a helpful form of treatment for them. I would not say gender dysphoria (and by extent euphoria) is the exact same as relating to gender roles, although I think the euphoria feeling is absolutely very similar to the sense of satisfaction a GNC person may feel from being able to express themselves freely after having been forced to conform to gender stereotypes for an extended period of time. I think dysphoria is probably related to distress around gender roles, but that the distress originates from dissatisfaction/disconnection from one's biological sex, which then may (quite often) also extend to discomfort with the gender roles associated with one's bio sex, because gender roles are intended to enhance what sex people look like, if that makes sense. It's a medical condition primarily targeting bio sex, which then might extend to gender roles, not the other way around. For those whom it is the other way around (meaning distress with gender roles extending to distress with one's bio sex) I feel wary that it may be because of other issues, such as dysmorphia + being GNC. Gender dysphoria also doesn't come from ruminating, imo. Although ruminating may be the result of trying to rationalize and understand one's dysphoria. (This is from talking to other dysphoric people and how they tend to respond to medical transition, although I admit I may be too harsh on what I count as gender dysphoria, so maybe take that as a personal opinion based on source: this feels reasonable and like it should be looked into more deeply by the medical research field, because honestly I feel like it might even be a highly important factor to who is helped by medical transition and who is not, before even starting such treatment, which would be huge, but I'm not an expert by any means.) So to sum up, I'm not a huge fan of the term gender euphoria, because it causes a lot of problems with communication, but as I do think there is some merit to it as an internal experience in and of itself, I do occasionally use it very light-heartedly.

[heymeowmao]

2022.11.12 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324835300236198380

Finished up filming in the morning, came home to wait for the night scenes... I’ll just stream for a small bit~

LYN: Good afternoon, everyone. Bet you didn’t think that I would come in the afternoon, huh? It’s just been too long since I streamed last, so I had to do one in the afternoon. LYN: Yes, I’m wearing the in-ear today. You seem to find it quite new, that I’m wearing the in-ear instead of using headphones. It’s because there may be some stage performances coming up, so I have to get used to wearing it. I haven’t really been respecting my profession. As a singer, it’s already been about a year without having done a performance. I’ve already forgotten what it feels like to be on stage. So I have to wear the in-ear even what I’m at home to find that feeling again.

C: You look a little water swollen. LYN: Yes. You’re already so familiar with my face that you can’t possibly be any MORE familiar with it. Because a lot of you like to post up my unedited pictures. There are so many that you all have a keen understanding of my five senses- my eyes/nose/mouth and everything. I’m only just the slightest bit swollen AND I have the beauty filter on, and you can still tell. How much must you understand me? I really have to thank the people posting these pictures... so that you can know me so well.  LYN: I woke up a little early today- the crew wanted me in to hair/makeup at 5a. Why? Because I heard that there’s a marathon in Hengdian today and the roads would be closed, so if I went any later I probably would not have been able to make it in. If I wanted to get into hair/makeup by 5a, I had to get up at 4a- so I didn’t really sleep. You know what happened? I just got to the dressing room and they announced that the marathon was cancelled. Absolutely dumbfounding. I got up early for nothing. The roads weren’t closed either. They were afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make it in the morning, so they arranged to have me in by 5am. But the marathon ended up being cancelled, so what could I do? I went to the filming site and did my scene. I only had one (1) day scene, and the rest are all night scenes, so after the day scene was finished they told me to come back and sleep. Instead of coming home to sleep I decided to stream, since it’s been a long time. When night falls I’ll go back to work. I guess this counts as having gotten off work already, then. I woke up early, so my face is a bit swollen. Be generous. You’ve seen so many of my “ugly” pictures, I’m sure this is nothing. LYN: Right- I’m on the night shift today.

- it’s been so long since he’s done a stream that some talented fans are taking it upon themselves to record songs to get him to come (to the tune of Wujiapo: “My ge, Liu Yuning~ I’ve cried 18 days waiting for you~” LYN: You’re starting to sing, now. Did you think I could watch that and still not stream? I saw that video, I did. So that’s why... I know all the bad things you do. 

C: Have you eaten? LYN: No- Oh. I ate breakfast. I had some tofu pudding and some bread. I’m full now.

C: Ning-ge, you’re wearing eyeliner now? LYN: What do you mean? My eyes are small, and I can’t even wear eyeliner? I need to “find” a good proportion for me eyes. Also, it’s not like I have nothing better to do than to draw some eyeliner and then come here to stream for you. I have filming today- I even came in here in my wig, as you can see. I’m taking a break right now and so I’m still in makeup- you can’t see, because the beauty filter is on a little high, but I even have some some “death” colored eyeshadow. Not only do I have eyeliner, but I ALSO have shadow.

LYN: My throat hurts. :(

C: Ge, what do you have the wig on for? LYN: I’m cosplaying. Later I’m going to get in the car to go attend ComicCon. LYN: What am I doing with the wig on? I have filming to do! // I’m in a drama crew and I have filming to do. I’m not crazy, just spending wearing a wig at home for no reason. I mean, it’s not like I can’t put on some eyeliner and laze around the house- but I’m just not the type of person who would do that.

C: Where’s Daimi? LYN: She was sent to the groomer’s. She’s gotten too dirty.

C: Ning-ge, are you going to stream until nighttime? LYN: That’s too much. It’s about noon now so when it hits late afternoon I’ll probably go take a nap. I’ll nap and then go to work at night. Otherwise I don’t think I would be very alert. Let’s not stream until nightfall.

- was invited to an event but won’t go bc his filming schedule is pretty tight

C: If you take a nap in the afternoon are you not afraid to mess up the wig? LYN: There’s such a thing in this world called a comb. There’s another thing called hair spray/gel. Also a flat iron/hair straightener. If it gets messy all I have to do is comb it...

C: Ning-ge, why are you always on the night shift? LYN: I’m not really, because with filming a drama there’s no such thing as day/night. It just happens that “day” scenes need to be filmed during the day and “night” scenes at night. That’s just how the story develops. I don’t just do night scenes... I do them all. C: How much longer do you have to go? LYN: I think I’m about halfway through. I’m not really clear on how many scenes exactly.

C: When is BYOL airing? LYN: I don’t know. I only had around 200 or so scenes there. It’s not much- I only went to experience what it was like to shoot a modern drama, which was nice. It was my first time doing a modern drama, so I’m happy. It’s an extremely unforgettable experience for me. I really don’t know when it will air, though. With a lot of people nowadays, even though you acted in it, you really don’t have any clue when the drama will air. If I had to make a prediction- because we were chatting about this the other day- BYOL wants to air on tv and online. The thing about having something air on the television is that they need to first discuss with the broadcast company and also make sure that the airing schedule will fit. I’m guessing it would air by next year, though.

C: What about ALZ? LYN: ALZ- someone asks about it every time. I really don’t know when it will air. But if I had to make a guess... /long silence/ Why do I feel like a media/gossip account? C: Have you done the voice acting for it yet? LYN: See, I haven’t even done the voice acting for it. You tell me when you think it will air. So I don’t know when it will air, and you all can stop asking me. I haven’t even done the voice acting yet. LYN: Let’s just sit and wait. For those who like and are anticipating this drama, just know that it will air eventually. It’s already been filmed, after all. The production company’s money has already all gone into it- it’s going to have to air eventually. As viewers, what we have to focus on is our health. Alright? Let’s be healthy and exercise a little every day. Eat on time and sleep on time. Work well, live well. So that we can still be alive to see the day the drama airs. Let’s not worry when that will be, and just live our lives until that time comes. LYN: Of course, I will take this time to wish that whoever is watching my stream right now lives as long as the (Zhong)Nan Mountains. (寿比南山). And I hope the females in my stream right now can be as thin as they want. As thin as the (Zhong)Nan Mountains. (瘦比南山) *[寿(life) and 瘦(thin/skinny) are both pronounced “shòu”]

--- LYN’s All-Black Outfit, Long Legs

C: You went to Chengdu and bought a lot of clothes? LYN: Yes, I went to Chengdu and bought a fair amount of clothing. It’s rare to get out (shopping) so I bought some clothes so that I could wear them during my streams or for some event. But I don’t really have any events right now. I have nothing to do, how sad.

C: Ning-ge, you went to Chengdu and everyone saw your nice long legs~ LYN: They’re not nice and long. It’s just that I’m tall. I’m 189cm- so my legs... even if you call them short, they’re only short to a certain extent. It’s just that I’m tall. People even doubt my height- they think that I am only 178cm or so. I’ve seen comments like that, and I don’t really care. Because 189cm, so why should I care if someone thinks that I am a few to ten cm shorter than I am? It doesn’t matter.

LYN: That video you saw was, when I was leaving the shop I already saw someone brandishing their phone and knew they were trying to record me, so I ducked. With these types of stores usually the men’s clothing is on the second floor- so as I was coming down the stairs I looked towards the doors and saw them getting ready. I’ve seen all sorts of articles- that there are always people around Chengdu and Beijing, ready to record people. I saw them there and I was thinking I didn’t want to get caught. I tried my best not to get caught, because I might not necessarily want to work with this brand in the future. XD For example, if in the future Gucci or LV or Valentino want to collab with me, but then see this photo of me coming out of this particular brand’s shop, would that negatively impact their decision to work with me? I was considering that when I didn’t want anyone to catch me coming out of that store. I didn’t want it to affect my market value. So I saw them, and I thought I would try to avoid them, just a little. It didn’t help at all, but at least the sentiment was there. In the end I still couldn’t avoid it.

C: Ning-ge, your way of thinking is really comprehensive. LYN: I was just joking! How could I be thinking comprehensively? I was just thinking, “Don’t film me.” I just don’t really have a personal life anymore, right now. I have no life. It was rare for me to be able to shop around, and I still got caught on camera. I didn’t want to get caught but... there was just no avoiding it.

LYN: But the thing is inwardly, my thoughts were abundant. I didn’t want to get caught on camera because I was wearing an ugly outfit! /laughs at himself/ If I were wearing something more fashionable I probably wouldn’t have tried to avoid it so much. Well- it’s not that it was ugly. Earlier that morning I had shot another scene in Chengdu- it was the clothes that were arranged for me to attend a funeral. To respect the departed you wear black, right? So I had a black suit jacket, black top, black pants, and black shoes. But after the scene was over I just took the jacket off and went out. At that time I thought I was a little like a fool/moron (精神小伙). If you wore a suit out for a particular occasion, that’d be alright. But who goes out shopping in black top and pants? I felt like a fool... or like someone who just walked out from their job at a hair salon. That’s what I felt, so I didn’t want anyone to catch me on camera. Everyone else gets caught fashionably, but my outfit that day wasn’t very fashion. LYN: Honestly, it was just a black top and pants. But it felt very businesslike. Like some salaryman who would try to sell you insurance or a mobile phone. The outfit was too much like a uniform. But if we want to make it sound nice, we could say I was going for the “All Black” look.

---

C: You looked cool/handsome! LYN: Thank you. // Here’s the thing though, if you’re a fan of someone you’re going to think that your idol looks cool no matter what they do. They’ll be unparalleled, the best, coolest guy, with the best body, right? The most handsome, with fair skin~ Everyone thinks that (of their idol) but the thing is there is a difference in aesthetics in this world. There are people who think I’m ugly, and that’s very normal. But all my fans think I’m handsome. That’s the difference in aesthetics talking, and that’s why you were able to become my fans.

C: I’m not your fan, and I still think you’re handsome! LYN: These words leave me torn between laughing and crying. Laughing because you have acknowledged my visuals. You think I’m handsome. But crying because you’re not my fan- so I hope that one day you can actually become one. Now that you’ve come across me and are here, let’s not miss this opportunity- why don’t you buy 2kg? Like if you’re in the market and you see the potatoes and think, “Hey, these potatoes are pretty handsome”, so you stop to buy 2kg. When you get home, you’re not sure if you’re going to eat them or not, but you can still put them in your fridge.

C: My grandmother says you’re handsome. LYN: Thank you, grandmother. Thank you. I’m sure that when you were young, you were also very pretty. Really. LYN: Friends, it’s like this- there’s a line of reasoning that implies that whatever you lack in yourself in what you highlight in others. I’m sure there’s logic to this. For example, if someone has a lot of money they won’t look down on the people around them for not having any. Do you think the guy who has millions will laugh at a guy who makes thousands and call him poor? He wouldn’t, really. The more someone lacks in themselves is what they will highlight in others. [t/n: this is.. the beauty we see in others is what we lack in ourselves???] LYN: I believe that those who bring others up are wonderful people... and amazing people. LYN: Thank you for complimenting me.

- says that it’s rare for him to stream in the afternoon, so if you were able to catch and are watching his stream now, that means it was fate & to please subscribe to his weibo~ LYN: Today is Sunday, too. If it were Monday or Tuesday I probably wouldn’t have come to stream but Saturday/Sundays are okay. Because everyone is usually working during the weekday but on the weekends most people have the day off. I figured if I streamed at this time, you would have a better chance to catch the stream. C: I can’t even catch the streams at night. LYN: You slept too early. It’s good, though.

LYN: This drama doesn’t really leave me with a lot of time to sleep. I’m not getting enough sleep, but I’m happy because I like it when I am able to be busy. I’m really afraid of not having any work to do. I’m afraid of sitting at home picking at my feet. So I’m very happy to be able to have work to keep me busy, even if that means I will be a little tired. For the current drama, I do have quite a bit more scenes to shoot so... that means I am all the more tired for it. C: But that’s what you like? LYN: Yes! 

--- LYN: This question was a bit like an interview. Like... /puts on a sound effect/:

“MC”: LYN, hello. There is a friend here who asks, “You don’t have time to go play or relax, so is this the type of life you want?” LYN: Ah, what good question. Work is keeping me busy nowadays, and is it the life I wanted? I think the answer is “yes”. This is what I want. Because ever since I was little it’s been my dream to be a celebrity. I debuted when I was almost 30 years old- and all the years I spent before then were spent playing around. I was finally able to debut at thirty. I made it. Wouldn’t you say that this is what I wanted? It must be. It’s wonderful. It’s like I’ve won the lottery. LYN: I’m a very normal person. I grew up in a third-tier city- a small boy from a small city called Liaoning, Dandong. For me to be able to get to where I am today- with so many people who recognize me- and to participate in things I only dreamed of like acting and singing and standing on a stage, is my great honor. I also have so many fans who are always supporting me. All of this is exactly what I wanted, yes. What else is there? LYN: This is like someone who has won 5mil in the lottery, and they spend the money every day. Someone comes up and asks them if having this lavish life is how they wanted to spend the rest of their days. How do you think they would answer? “Is the life you’re living after you’ve won the lottery the life you want?” It must be. I’d like to thank this friend for their question.

“MC”: A friend here is asking, “LYN, have you confirmed your next drama or not?” They seem to care a lot about your career development. Have you confirmed your next drama yet? LYN: This friend really cares about me. Thanks for your concern. Now as to whether I have confirmed my next drama or not- what’s business is it of yours? Don’t ask around! You’ll know when it’s officially announced, won’t you? So don’t ask. C: Ning-ge, if you don’t reply then that means you already have one confirmed. LYN: No. Nothing’s not confirmed yet. If it were, I would have already shared it with you. You all know me- you know how I communicate with my fans, too. If something good has happened to me, there’s no way I can hide it from you. I have to spill the beans. So if I confirm something I would share it with you. Nothing’s confirmed yet. And what I mean by that is- as long as I haven’t signed the contract yet, nothing is set. I’ll wait until the contract is signed. Because before I would share good things with you before I signed the contract and then those jobs ended up falling through. I used to tell you about these things, like I would tell you I would be on a variety show and describe it to you a little, but in the end those jobs fell through. It was a disgrace. Then the fans would come back to me, asking “Didn’t you say you were going to participate in a variety show? What happened to it?” and I tell them it’s not convenient for me to answer. It’s really difficult to answer- because I had already told them that I would be doing a variety show, and around what time I expected to be there but they end up not seeing me. So people start speculating, that LYN was switched out with someone else. That LYN wasn’t good enough, so he was switched out. I don’t want to affect my market value, so I won’t say anything now. I’ll let you know when everything is confirmed.

C: Give your stage-fans some benefits this year. LYN: Wow, there are so many people who like me, but who are all separated into different species, is that it? I have visual-fans, song-fans, stage-fans, walking-fans... As for stage-fans, it’s because I’ve been stuck with the drama crew most of the time. There have been stages that have come to inquire about my availability, but there’s also the fact that it’s a bit complicated to get around these days. It’s difficult to make it back (to Hengdian). I don’t want to push the whole drama schedule because I went out once (and got sick). That’s why I’m trying not to go out if I can help it. Even with branding events, I try to have them done in Hengdian. I’m sure I will do a few stage performances, though. Since it IS the end of the year.

C: What about the New Year? LYN: Of course, I always go to New Year’s events. I know I’m always acting now, but I still don’t have any works to show for it. It’s a point of contention for everyone: “Why Liu Yuning? He doesn’t even have anything to show. Why does he deserve it?” So even though I’m acting, I’m still a singer! It’s not like I’ve left the (music) industry. I have to hold up my profession as a singer, so I will definitely do some stage performances. It happens every year, so when that time comes we’ll spend another new year together. C: Ning-ge, which broadcast stations will you be at? LYN: It’ll be announced later. Why would I reveal it myself. Then I’d lose out on the air of mystery. I already sit here for hours chatting my mouth off that I don’t have any more mystery to me- can’t I keep this one thing a secret?? You’ll find out later. The other way to look at it is, you’ll watch whatever station I end up on, won’t you? It’s not like you’ll find out which stations I will be at and purposely not watch, right? There’s no way. It’s the New Year, what did I do to deserve that? I believe that even if you’re one of my anti-fans- the ones who like to make their own trends and try to start trouble- you’ll be watching me at the New Year. I don’t believe they’ll find out what stations I’ll be at and purposely not watch those channels. I’m sure they’ll watch for me. C: They’re looking for things to hate on you for. LYN: That- They’re just.... What else can there be, on a stage? One- I look ugly. Two - I don’t sing well. I’m not afraid of people finding points of the performance to pick on me for, I’m just afraid that the performance will turn out to be something you have NOTHING to talk about. That means your stage is unmemorable. That’s the most regrettable thing. Even if my hair were ugly- so ugly it knows no bounds, so ugly it “explodes”- then that at least means I can make it into the trending topics. The worst thing is having nothing. LYN: Let’s say for example, on the day-of “Liu Yuning’s In-Ear Suddenly Explodes”- I’m sure that would make it into a trending topic. [t/n: why is he cursing himself like thissss]

C: Are you still going to dance? LYN: How about no. Regarding dancing, I’ve really... given up. I had a dream once of being a singer/dancer- I wanted to be able to do it all. But dancing, really... I don’t need it. If I had this capacity I’d rather spend it working hard on other aspects I could improve on. This is good enough. This is why after all these years I’ve never tried doing any side jobs. Other artists will, but I haven’t because I don’t have the skill. If I were to do it, I’d want to do it to the best of my ability- that’s the basic logic of any profession. So instead of focusing on branching out, I’d rather spend my efforts improving on things I am currently involved in. C: I’m sure “Liu Yuning Dancing” could make it into a trending topic. LYN: My dancing can’t get me trending- who do you think I am? I am very self-aware. You think “Liu Yuning Dancing” can get me a trending topic? There’s no way. No one cares, either. Who cares whether I dance or not? It’s weird. There’s nothing to see. You (my fans) can see it. LYN: If there were something that read “Liu Yuning Jumps into Water on New Year’s Performance” I’m sure people would want to see that. But “Dancing”? Who cares. If I were singing and suddenly jumped into the water- /gurgles into the mic/- if I sang under the water I’m sure people would be interested. That would definitely be worthy of a trending topic. No one cares about dancing, but they care about jumping into water.

- break #1 (to get some water) - [t/n: chat is suddenly talking about mahjong. not sure how they got to the topic, lol.] LYN: My stream can be strict. When I said “pung” and “kong”- if some anti were to get ahold of this and say that I was promoting gambling, what would happen? It’s terrifying. If they wanted to prove my guilt they would just show this clip. So let’s try to be strict with this, and you all can stop playing into it as well. 

- asked him to play the New Life Begins OST - 清晖 (Qing Hui); promotes the drama C: Who’s the male lead? LYN: You’d know if you go to watch the drama. It’s called 卿卿日常 (New Life Begins). You’ll know (who the male lead is) if you go watch. I won’t mention any names; but not because we don’t have a good relationship! Anyway, just watch the drama! Show it your support! That’s the end of that, alright? LYN: But this is- this is the OST that the male lead recommended me for. I’m very thankful to him. A lot of you already know the story- he asked the production if they could contract me to sing the OST, and then it happened. This is a job he essentially gave to me. It’s very nice. I’m thankful. Later I’ll have to... buy him something in return. C: Are you going to gift him shoes? LYN: Not shoes. I told you last time- I heard he likes shoes, so I’d give him some tools he can clean his shoes with. 授人以鱼不如授人以渔. (Giving a man a fish is not as good as teaching the man to fish.) You know that foaming cleanser and the brush- it’s very convenient. One use and the shoes will be white as new. Maybe some electric shoe scrubs- to get them nice and clean. There’s that saying: Gifting a man shoes is not as good as gifting a shoe brush. There’s an old saying like that. C: Who said it? LYN: ... Zhang Fei did. (military general who served under the warlord Liu Bei during late Eastern Han and early Three Kingdoms period in China)

- the in-ear is hurting him (sore), so he’s changing out to his earbuds. LYN: This is more comfortable. There’s not as much pressure on the ears.

C: I watch your streams while eating. LYN: Watching my streams helps you eat well? Your ability to eat well means that you CAN eat- what does that have to do with my stream?? What does your food intake have to do with me? Later, when you get fat, you’ll end up blaming me for it. “His streams made me eat so much!” Don’t put this on me, ok? LYN: But I guess this is an acknowledgement of me. It’s like saying that my stream is worth a meal. They could have gotten some take-out or are eating at home, but my stream counts as a dish, too. Even if it’s a small salted dish. Because of my stream, it’s enhanced the flavor of their meal. Is that it? On the other hand, if you watch my stream and STOP eating, that would be strange. Is LYN so disgusting you no longer have an appetite? That would be strange. So saying that I pair well with a meal is also a type of affirmation. C: Because you are my “dish (type)”~ LYN: This joke is so old, too old! It’s from five years ago, and you’re still using it?? 

C: Will you come to Macao for the New Year? LYN: If I said “yes” then you’d already know which stage performance I’m planning to be at. If I say “no” then you’d know that I am not attending that event. I can’t say. //  Because Jiangsu Satellite TV’s concert is always held in Macao. C: Will you go home? LYN: Probably not, but it’s hard to say. There’s always a lot to do at the end of the year. It’s highly likely that I will continue to work through it. We’ll see.

C: Your voice is so nice. LYN: ~Is it? You really think so? Ha Ha~ LYN: ~Honestly, my voice is just average. If you say it’s good, it’s not.If you say that’s it’s bad, you’re not entirely wrong either.~ - /a dorky laugh/

- someone’s roommate called him creepy(??) LYN: What sort of crappy roommate do you have?? What a strange roommate.

“MC”: Someone is asking, “Ning-ge, you just said you’d have stage performances at the end of the year. Is that true?” LYN: What nonsense. I have so much to do at the end of the year. Other than the New Year’s appearances there’s also Spring Night and other galas/events. Those are all stage shows, aren’t they? But I need to tell you- as long as you have a dream, anywhere’s a stage. There must be. My streaming room is also my stage. As long as I have talent, you’ll come. 

C: That sound effect earlier... LYN: What’s wrong with it? Is it weird? Friends, welcome to Masked Singer. When this effect is on it gives off the feeling from that show, doesn’t it? - /playing with the effect/ LYN: I can actually make myself a woman. Not “make” but change the sound so that it sounds like a female’s. How about this- today I sing a female’s song for you. I sang one many years ago- I’ll sing it for you again today. // I’ll find one that’s a male-female duet, and show off the voice changing function. Recommend me some songs, that are male-female duets. It’s better if they’re old songs, because I don’t really know the new ones. C: No Extravagance (Legend of Fei OST) LYN: Let’s not ruin my own song. LYN: How about  知心爱人? I remember that a lot of people were saying their grandmothers and mothers were watching my stream, so I’ll sing an older song. --  知心爱人 - /tries to adjust the voice levels, but his whole microphone cuts out instead/

LYN: H- Hello? Oh. I think the software broke. It scared me to death. It’s so rare that I stream in the afternoon and it was almost BBQ’d. Let’s try again. -- 知心爱人 (take 2) LYN: I don’t think this voice sounded like a woman but more like Minnie Mouse. Have you ever been to the Disney resort? Do you know that sound in the elevator? Every time I go there the voice in the elevator scares me. // I’m sure those of you who’ve been know what I’m talking about. LYN: Anyway, I’ve shown my hand. What you’ve just seen is a preview of what will happen at the New Year’s event I’ll be attending. I’ve spoiled it, but of course I won’t be singing this particular song. I’ll sing a different duet- with myself. No one has ever tried doing this during a New Year’s event, so I’ll be the first. I think it would be worth a trending topic. C: Stop tricking us! LYN: I don’t think there would be any broadcast station that would let me do it. I was just making a joke. I’ve already told you- just listen to the contents of my stream for entertainment. During this period of time you can choose to believe on 20% of what I say. The rest is a fart in the wind. Don’t take it seriously. C: 0% (Believe nothing) LYN: Not that low.

C: Ning-ge, can you change up your style? LYN: /sigh/ What type of style do you want? It’s actually pretty simple. I can make it so that my normal streaming style is like that of a late night radio, if you want. But I don’t think you’ll like it. Let me find some music that fits the mood, first. LYN: ~Welcome everyone, to my stream. Welcome. Today, the weather is cold. I don’t know if the temperature has dropped, where you are? When I woke up this morning, I felt distinctly cold... so I put on my thermals. Ever since I was small my family had always told me that you can’t wear just thermals, you also have to wear socks. I’ve always taken good care of my legs, because my grandmother told me I had to protect them. If you don’t keep them warm, when you get old they will hurt and will bend. So ever since I was small, I’ve liked wearing very thick socks. I wore thermals and thick cotton pants. When everyone else was still wearing shorts I already had my thermal; and when they started wearing thermals I was already wearing my cotton pants on top. And when people started wearing their cotton pants, I would have already added woolen pants. So I hope that everyone here can be like me, and have a warm winter. LYN: What do you think? Aren’t these small eyes so magnetic~? I don’t have any sort of image, as long as it’s not setting me back. I CAN speak Standard Mandarin, but I think that using my dialect and making the content funny lets you watch the stream in a more relaxed state. I also think about being cool, ~and I CAN be cool~ /laughs at himself/ That needs to be paired with music. If I want to be cool, I can: ~You ARE my DeSTinY~~~ /cheesing it up for the camera/ LYN: That’s enough of that.

C: Small eyes. LYN: What nonsense?! Who has small eyes??? Let me tell you- I have no other weaknesses. You can tell me I’m ugly and I can accept that, as long as you don’t go into detail. But as soon as someone says my eyes are small- the truth is laid out in front of my eyes, so I have no other choice but to be hurt by it. Who has small eyes?! I’m gonna tear this room apart. If you keep saying my eyes are small I’m going to get double-eyelid surgery as soon as this drama finishes up! I’ll make it start right under my eyebrows! If I open my eyes, all you’ll see is the double eyelid! LYN: I think someone else has described this perfectly. They said that my eyes are the same width as my eyebrows. I looked into the mirror, and that is exactly the case. What they said was the truth, and it’s like they even measured it.  LYN: Let me tell you- in this industry, there’s no lack of handsome men. Really. There are too many. But they lack uniqueness. Ey~ The thing that’s unique about me is that my eyes are small.  C: I like the small-eyed ones. LYN: See? Everyone has their own sense of beauty. If you like small eyes, come to me. If you like big eyes, you can go to ZSX.

C: Ning-ge, your beard grows so fast. LYN: Yes, it does grow quite quickly. I get up in the morning, wash my face and shave, then get into hair and makeup and jump into filming. Around the afternoon my beard���s already grown out. But I don’t really want to shave it on scene, because that would mean I have to remove the makeup. So one day... FYL sent me an instrument for freezing hair removal. I’ve been at home lately and I really want to try it out- I want to remove the beard. But I read the instructions and it seems a bit difficult to use. I don’t know how it works and I don’t dare to try! I guess one day if there’s a chance I can invite him to my house so he can do it for me. He sent me the instrument but I don’t know how it works. I’m afraid if I try something (and do it incorrectly) I’ll break my face. I’ll have him come over sometime. C: He’s not using it anymore? LYN: No, he bought two and gifted me with one of them. He’s a good kid. C: Don’t remove it- it will harm your skin. LYN: I already thought about that and with all the layers of makeup they put on me for filming, my skin’s already very harmed. They use alcohol adhesive to glue the wig on and sometimes I have a red ring here when it comes off that hurts. Some parts are so red and irritated it’s leaving lasting effects. So if it will harm my skin by laser removing the hair, then that ship has already left the port. C: Ning-ge, your pores will get bigger. LYN: What are you talking about? That’s really strange. Have you forgotten that I have a makeup spokesman-ship? Have you forgotten I have that collab? I don’t have pores or any skin problems. I’m VERY healthy. You can say I’m ugly, but you can’t hurt the brands I am working with. C: Ning-ge, what if you remove your beard and it never grows back? LYN: Is a beard something you NEED in life? If I don’t grow one... then I just won’t have one. Also, do you think that if I use that thing I will never grow hair again? There’s no way. It’ll only lessen the hairs, it’s not like it’ll be removing the follicles. I think this instrument will definitely thin the hairs- so that they are not as prominent- but it’s not going to destroy the roots. What do I need a beard for, anyway? Am I going to be a Daoist master, who needs a long beard? I don’t need it. If I need a beard for filming... it’ll grow out eventually.

C: Liu-ge, you’re filming? LYN: You called me “Liu-ge” so you must not be my fan. You’re asking me if I’ve been filming recently? No. I have this wig on because I’ll be attending ComicCon in a bit. I’m cosplaying... as BCF. When the time comes I’ll change into the costume and go. People will go take photos of me. I’m not filming- I’ve been sitting around at home, doing nothing. C: I like calling you “Liu-ge”! LYN: You can, I was just kidding. “Liu-ge”, “Ning-ge”, “Liu Yuning”- all is fine.

C: Are you going to sing a new song for the new year? LYN: No, I won’t. I was planning on releasing my second album this year, in 2022- but I haven’t finished the songs. I was thinking I would release the album when I’ve got 10 songs ready, but I’ve only finished a small portion. Last year I sang a new song, so I wanted to sing a new song for this year as well... but I thought about it and that didn’t work out so well for me. If we follow this logic, it’ll take me ten years to release my whole second album. Over the course of 10 New Year’s, I’ll sing a single new song from my album. That’s not worth it. So this year I won’t sing a new song, and probably sing something everyone is more familiar. Maybe it will be better this way, and people will actually watch my performance. - /starts humming Wujiapo/ C: New Year’s Song. LYN: I have a song called “New Year’s Song”, did you know? Those of you who are my fans probably know it. When it gets around the new year, all the supermarkets will start playing this song. You’ve probably even heard it, but just don’t know that it’s mine. I released this song because at the time I was working with Richie Ren, my Qi-ge, and he asked me if I had ever thought of releasing a holiday/seasonal song. And then it occurred to me that I should; and that’s right, because he has a lot of songs that can be played during the holidays and can be played for years to come. He suggested I should release a song in relation to the New Year, so I found the producer I work with often, Yu Tian. A lot of the songs on my album are his. I contacted his and asked to write me a New Year’s Song. It’s been two years since then. This year I’m planning to release another. A 2.0 version. You can listen to it during the New Year. C: The song title can be “New Year’s Second Song”. LYN: Sure, let’s call it that. The first is called “New Year’s Song” (过年的歌) and this one will be... “New Year’s Second Song” (过年第二首歌) is a little long. You have to consider whether people will be willing to search for this name or not. Let’s call it... “The Song You’re Still Listening to on New Year”- how’s that? Or- this song is called “New Year’s Song” (过年的歌), so the next one can be “The Song You Listen to on New Year’s” (过年听的歌), the third year I’ll release one called “The Song You Still Listen to on New Year’s” (过年还要听的歌). It is just that random. Whatever I think of, will become the name of the song. LYN: It’ll be called “The Song You Listen to on New Year’s” (过年听的歌). It’s currently being written, so when I finish recording it, I’ll release it for the New Year.

C: Chat about Givenchy! LYN: Givenchy... do you need me to introduce the products to you? I’ll need to show you how to use it? I’m sure you all know much better than I do how to use the lipstick, powder, and foundation. You can use them better than I can.

- /calls himself a well-versed salesperson, recommending you some products/

C: When will you finish streaming? LYN: Have you seen enough already? If you’ve seen enough, just tell it to me straight. You don’t need to push me.

C: Expensive-brother, Xiao Liu. LYN: This used to be my job- I used to be a shopper and a salesperson. When someone walked into the shop, I would recommend clothing and give my opinion. Someone would come in and ask to try something on, so I’d get it for them and when they wore it I would say, “Jie, you look so pretty in that. It’s so nice and makes you look slim. Also, you can look in the mirror. Go ahead, look. Doesn’t it make your complexion look so nice? Right? Oily and black**. (a joke) This type of article makes you look healthy, but there are other colors that can make you seem paler. You can take a look.” That was my job, and I was professional. It took so much for me to get into the entertainment circle and become an artist... and I’ve started to sell things again (by being brand spokesperson/ambassador). XD C: Ning-ge, if you really said that, would you get hit? LYN: How- How could I call someone dark**? There are techniques to selling clothing- well, not techniques- but you have to consider who you’re talking to and respect every individual. If someone comes into the shop and tries on some clothes, of course you’re going to compliment her. What else can you say? “It doesn’t look good. Take it off.”?? She tries it on and you say, “No, you’re ruining it. Take it off. Don’t impact our brand’s image.” There’s no way you’re going to say that, so of course you are going to compliment them. /laughs at the image/ You’re a salesperson and a girl comes in to try on some clothes. You say, “No, this wont do. Look at this. You’re already so dark and with these clothes you look darker.” “Look at your waist. This clothing was slimming, but with it on you’ve made a pool floaty out of it. Take it off. Don’t damage our brand’s image. My goodness.” I’m sure the shop owner would not beat this employee to death but also not stay in business for long. So you have to give compliments, and there are so many topics your can highlight. The first is: “You look thin.” Secondly, “You have a good color/complexion.”- but it depends on the situation. If they wear something and it makes them look dark, you have to say that it makes them look flushed and young. If they wear it and they look ruddy and red, you have to say it makes them look paler. Pale, thin, and a good figure. The fourth compliment you can give is telling them that only their stature/aura can pull it off. I’m sure these points can convince them into a purchase. Then, if they really do not look good in the clothes at all, but you can tell that they WANT to buy it, you can say, “Jie, maybe your makeup today doesn’t match. I think your lipstick color doesn’t suit this clothing. If you really like it, you can buy it home first. Change up your makeup and if you really don’t like it, then you can come return it or I can exchange it for you.” It doesn’t matter if she comes back later to return it, as long as you have record of the initial sale, you can continue to survive in the shop. Sales are the only thing that matters. C: What happens if she’s not wearing makeup? LYN: “Jie, this is- are you not wearing makeup today?” She replies that she’s not. “No makeup but you still look this pretty? Your skin is so good. Oh my goodness. In that case, you should buy this clothes home, and then when you go out you can apply some makeup and it will look even better.” LYN: If you have a good head on your shoulders or if you like learning, then you can survive in any industry. You have to take the time to do you research and consider all the factors. You have to think about it. Sales/Marketing is the hardest profession, in my opinion. Because you have to face people directly, and people come in all sorts. You never know who you’re going to face. C: You can talk the dead back to life. LYN: No, that’s unlikely. I’m just talking about the basic techniques, for the sales of smaller commercial items, like clothes, shoes, etc. Cheaper things like that. It doesn’t require a lot of skill. But if you’re selling houses- those people are impressive. 

C: Ning-ge, I only want to know what your next drama will be. LYN: What do you care, are you going to invest? Do you think I’m going to be a dark horse in the future, and you want to invest in me? Bet? Why are you asking me about my next drama- when it’s decided I’ll tell you all about it. LYN: I’ve told you about those accounts, haven’t I? Even if they mention me, like “OOO drama, LYN is cast”- I’m sure you’ve seen the posts. Regarding these things, from my perspective, it’s an acknowledgement. To a degree. That’s the only thing I can say. Because if someone mentions me and no one cares, then why would they even bother? Even if they’re mentioning me because they have NO faith in me, and they’re only doing it to gain attention because I have a lot of antis and they want the action it can bring, it’s still an acknowledgement. This way is also a viable method (of gaining attention). But the fact that they’ve mentioned me means that they’re taking me seriously in this industry, and I can continue to survive. At the very least I’m considered at all. LYN: On the other hand, I hope that it’s the case that I actually AM confirmed for the project and you don’t look highly on me, so you curse at me. But I haven’t even been confirmed yet- or it has nothing to do with me, even- and you’ve ALREADY started cursing at me. Now, that’s strange. Someone just said it offhandedly, “It’s possible that...”- and people are already cursing at me for the POSSIBILITY. If it turns out to be true, then I’ll get another round. I don’t mind being cursed at for something I am confirmed for, because I came to work and I got paid for it. But why are you cursing at me for something I haven’t even done?!? I see these things and it’s really strange. I look into the articles and see everyone cursing at me and I’m confused and angry. Why are they yelling at me? They have the right to do it if it were true, but it’s not, so why?? I really don’t mind if you curse at me for something I’ve done- but I’d appreciate that you don’t preemptively curse at me for something I haven’t even done yet. Thank you, everyone. C: They’re trying to piggyback off your popularity. LYN: What popularity?? I don’t have any. In any case, the system is... mysterious.

LYN: This industry, honestly- because I wasn’t recruited or trained by a traditional company- I didn’t go the long route. My method of debut is quite unusual- and all my fans and everyone who knows me even just a little all know. That’s why the things I say and do is quite unlike everyone else. Who else is going to come here and put on a stream, just to chat about everything and nothing for four hours? Also- the fact that I was doing alright as a singer, but decided to jump into acting. I don’t- or rarely- contract business proposals. Magazines- up until this day, I still haven’t done photoshoots. There’s no other artist out there who plays it like I do. I just like being different from everyone else. I’m a mysterious existence (in the entertainment industry). I don’t want to be the same. I’m not trying to say the “traditional” method is bad- I just don’t want to be like everyone else. I think it’s funner this way.

C: You can do some magazines... LYN: I don’t really want to- Well, first, the main thing is, I don’t have time. That’s the MAIN thing. /winks/ But if there were some dramas that I need to promote by doing some photoshoots, then I will do those. But normally I wouldn’t go... I just don’t have time. [t/n: Yeah, Ning-ge, blame it on the TIME. Anyway, he hates doing photoshoots and this is why literally the only magazine shoot out right now is the one he did for the Long Ballad. Heroes sort of counts, but not really because it was self-funded and he did it to play around with ZSX and YCY.

LYN: Friends, you already know what’s happening, right? Do you know what’s happening right now? Friends. Oh my goodness. Its the middle of the afternoon and my neighbors are fighting. At night it’s alright, but it’s the afternoon and they’re waging war. Wait for me a sec- they’re over here yelling. I’m going to go take a look. Wait for me, don’t leave. I’m going to go look- I can’t leave them like this. -- break #2

🤓🤓🤓

C: This érhuà pronunciation (rhotacization)... LYN: What? What’s wrong with it? I think it’s because us people from the North like to use it. - /gives an example with “这屋里什么味” (What smell is in this room?), and says it feels weird to say it without the érhuà/ LYN: I have a couple of colleagues from the crew- one of the friends is from the South. People from the South can’t really say the érhuà. I don’t know if any of you here are from southern regions?

- /shakes his hands, because he forgot to earlier (to prove he washed his hands after using the restroom)/ LYN: Sorry, I forgot. It’s been too long since I streamed last.

LYN: But- I don’t know if any one here is from the South, and they can’t say the érhuà? One of the lines in the script was “真是邪了门了!” (xie le me(n)’r le // it’s really evil!) But he’s from the South, and can’t really say the érhuà sound. His Standard Mandarin is very good- but even he thinks that his érhuà comes out sounding uncomfortable. /demonstrates how the colleague says the line: (xie le men er le)/ No matter how he said it, he felt uncomfortable, so we were discussing on how to change the line. I asked him what he’d change it to, and he said “真是见了鬼了!” (jian le gui le // met a ghost/damning) That works, too! 真是邪了门了! --> 真是见了鬼了!

C: My roommate tried it. LYN: Have them try another. In the Northeast we like to say that we’re “哥门” (ge’r me(n)’r //buddies). Try it. Can you say it? He and I are good “ge er men er”. XD This is my “哥门” and she is my “姐门”. You can’t pronounce it, huh? The érhuà is used a lot in the North, I think most everyone from there can say it. - /Another example: Northeast uses “胡同” (hutong’r / hu tong er (for those who can’t say it)) for alley, other places may use “巷子” (xiangzi)/

C: Liu Yuning’r. LYN: You can add it to the end of my name? Are you trying to take advantage of me?? Who adds the -er to the end of my name??! “Liu Yuning-er”. Are you taking advantage of me?? You dare call me “son (儿)”??

LYN: You all can’t say it? I don’t believe you. /goes back to the example earlier, with the smelly room; boils down to: 味+儿 vs 味道/ Oh, I’m sorry. It turns out it was a me problem. But I don’t believe that you don’t use this sound at all? Let me try to think of a word with the rhotacization that you HAVE to say, and that Northerners say as well. Do you use the expression “哥门”? You don’t use it? If you don’t call them your “哥门”, what do you say? Do you just say, “This person is my “gē mén”?” Is it said like that? C: We don’t use it, we say “兄弟 (xiōng dì)”. LYN: Ah, you’ve replaced it with another word.

LYN: Then, what if you want to eat a “冰棍 (bīng gùn” (popsicle; lit: ice rod)? /tries it out without the érhuà and laughs/ What happens? How are you supposed to say it?? “Boss, give me a “bīng gùn”- they’re gonna get a rod out and beat you. C: 冰棒 (bīng bàng) [popsicle]// 雪糕 (xuě gāo)/ 冰淇淋 (bīng qí lín) [ice cream] LYN: Oh. You don’t call it a “bīng gùn”. I know xuě gāo- it’s like the texture of the ice cream, but the shape of a popsicle. So what about the ones that are water based and frozen into a solid? Do you call it a 雪条 (xuě tiáo) [snow bar/strip]? // If you can’t say it, then you won’t buy it, is that it? You just won’t eat. Is it called a 棒冰 (bàng bīng)? LYN: Over here, we call a 冰棒 (bīng bàng) the type that’s a plastic tube that’s filled with liquid, frozen into a stick- and we break it in half and can eat from both sides. // It really is the case where if you can’t say the érhuà, you use a different word entirely! C: Just don’t call it by name. LYN: “Boss, I want this one.” Boss: “What’s it called?” and you can’t pronounce it, so you say “This one. I just want THIS one.” - /discovers people can’t say “根” with the érhuà either; tries it without./

LYN: Alright, let’s not talk about this anymore. - /continues to talk about it, this time with the word: 小孩 (xiǎo hái) [child], and learns a bunch of alternatives you can use to call said child./ -- 亲爱的小孩 (Dear Child) by Andy Lau LYN: I doesn’t seem like I can use it when I’m singing, though.

C: Ning-ge, you don’t look as bloated as you did this morning. LYN: I’ve already been streaming for a while. I’ve sweated and drunk water, so it should have lessened. I just woke a little early today. 

- /saw a passing comment/ LYN: What is “依兰爱情故事 (Ylang Ylang Love Story)”? Let me see if I’ve heard this song before. /plays it/ Oh, this is ENTIRELY using the érhuà! :D I think this song is suitable for Southerners to practice using the érhuà with. If you have this song down, then you won’t have any trouble with it. It’ll be nothing. A piece of cake. Let’s experience this song together. Let me see if I can sing it for you. -- 依兰爱情故事 (Ylang Ylang Love Story) LYN: This song is definitely worth practicing. - /fools around with the word 人 (rén) + and - the rhotacization/ LYN: Okay, forget it. Let’s not discuss this anymore. I only discovered this the other day, it’s been so many years and I only just realized. Because many of the crew for YNGS are from the South. I didn’t know they couldn’t say the érhuà. That was a piece of cold knowledge to me. That was the first I knew of it.

C: Ning-ge, I’m from Beijing’r! (北京儿人) LYN: Beijing... I don’t think you need to add the rhotacization there, do you? Even if you did, it would be after the 人 and not 北京! It’s supposed to be 北京人儿, not 北京儿人. You can’t just stick it in wherever! - /explaining how actually, you don’t stick the rhotic after 人 either, rather you change the pronunciation of the whole word./

C: Ning-ge, can you make the retroflex sound? (zh, ch, sh) LYN: Isn’t the word itself (翘舌 qiào shé) a retroflex? In the Dandong dialect we don’t differentiate between s- and sh-. /demonstrates with the word for snake (蛇 shé) C: Ning-ge, can you roll your tongue (roll your ‘r’s)? LYN: No. C: Ning-ge, do you differentiate between n/l? LYN: The problem is that Northeastern dialect is that we don’t differentiate the retroflex and we use a lot of rhotacization. Another thing is, our use manipulation of tones is pretty strange. They were grilling me about a word the other day: 休息 (xiū xí) [rest]. Usually it’s “xi” with the first tone, but we say it with the third tone. We change the tone a lot of the time. It’ll be first tone but we’ll change it to two, but most often use third tone. - /says he feels like it gives him more of a sense of authority/

LYN: Friends, we’re taking an online class here. Now we’re learning linguistics.

C: If a foreigner were listening to this they’d be confused. LYN: I’m sure they would be!

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C: When will Zi Chuan air? LYN: I don’t know. It’s possible that it will air at the end of this year. Everything’s been finished for a while now. I think it’s possible it can air at the end of the year. Around December. But I don’t really have a lot of scenes in it. There were 48 episodes (for two seasons/parts) and I only have around 200 scenes. LYN: I was pretty ugly at the time. I looked worse because I was more puffy, and not as thin as I am now. Let me tell you, when you’re on camera, you really have to be thin. It’s not about being healthy or not, but once you’re on camera if you’re just a little bit on the chubby side, you’ll look bad. Of course, there’s some aspects of the ugliness that had nothing to do with my weight- that’s just natural. But if you are thinner then it really does looks a little better on camera.

C: ALZ? LYN: I already said through multiple streams that I haven’t even done the voice acting for it yet. Based on this information alone, you can infer that the drama won’t be airing anytime soon.

C: You look handsome! LYN: You’re all just looking at the reuters/spoilers online, right? Those are definitely edited. They’ve been edited to make me look better, let’s all admit it. If they didn’t I’m sure you’d all find me ugly. LYN: Speaking of which, there have been a lot of leaks for my current drama YNGS. I saw a few of you getting agitated, too, asking me if there was any way the crew could control people because there’s TOO MUCH content being leaked every day. “I’ve never seen a drama that’s been leaked so much!” Actually, it’s not that much, it’s just that you’re not paying attention to the other dramas. I have some friends whose dramas have been leaked FAR WORSE than mine has. The key to whether there are a lot of leaks or not really depends on the filming location/environment. If they’re shooting inside a tent, you’re going to see less because the location is closed off. You don’t see very many leaks of xianxia dramas because they’re mostly all filmed inside a tent. If you’re not filming in a closed location, then of course you will have a lot of leaks. There’s space in all directions with no way to control people. It’s not like there’s a wall or a screen. There’s really nothing you can do about it. There’s no avoiding it. We’re ALREADY hiding in the mountains. So you want someone to scour the mountain with a dog, searching for people recording? There’s no way that can happen, and there’s no avoiding it. There’s really no way to control the online spoilers.

C: Ning-ge, did it hurt when you fell into the water? LYN: Ah, the hot topic from BYOL? Did it hurt when I fell into the water (fountain)? I saw a lot of leaks of that, too. Did it hurt? YEAH IT DID. My knee still hurts. It wasn’t a serious pain though. I went back for the wrap party- I try to attend the wrap party of every drama I’ve participated in, because after spending 2-4 months with a group of people, you’re going to develop a connection. I originally went back to attend the wrap party. Our scriptwriter heard the news and asked, “Xiao Ning, you’re really coming back?” I said yes, and she said, “Great! Let me write you a few more scenes.” I.. that’s not... necessary? I only wanted to go back to attend the wrap party, but she said, “It’s alright! Don’t worry. I’ll write them for you. You’re not doing anything when you come back, anyway. You can shoot a couple more scenes and we can pad the story a little. It’ll be great.” She’s great, and we have a good relationship, so I said, “Ok, write it then.” And she let me fall into the water. It was supposed to be for comedic relief. Usually- like when doing guzhuang dramas- I would wear protective guards. For fight scenes we’d wear arm and leg guards. But for a modern drama, that’s very difficult. Because my jeans were too skinny. There was no way to fit any guards in there. So I thought, “Okay, I’ll fall.” It looks like a heavy fall but it really wasn’t too bad. My right knee did get a little hurt, though. C: The door fell again. LYN: The door fell into the water? LYN: I thought it wouldn’t hurt but who would have thought? 真是见了鬼了. (How damning.) LYN: I saw those videos, because there were a lot of people around filming, and they all ended up online. There were a lot of my friends on scene watching me act. I heard one of them cry after I fell. In the video, right after my fall she cried. She played a 心疼giegie (feel sorry for gege) on me. Well- she didn’t cry- but it sounded like, you know, she was worried for me. She thought that I would break. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, because she’s my friend. I’m sure that if one of your friends tripped and fell you’d be laughing. So you’re not a good person, either. But if you see your friend fall and are unable to go help them up, you’re probably going to feel bad and sorry for them. 心疼giegie. LYN: Anyway, it was in that recording and the others around her which were also recording, so the sound made it into a few different videos. There’s a space for comments when it was put up online some said, “You can hear the fans crying.” The passersby were very nice, and I think any normal person’s reaction would be to go “Wow! Someone just fell.” Or if it looked very funny, they might laugh but then show some concern since it looked like a bad fall. Even if they laughed it wouldn’t be from a place of ill-intent. But I always see comments that read like this, “If I could to make 1mil in a day, I’d go fall too. What’s there to feel sorry about?” I always see comments like this, under my videos or under anyone else’s. I don’t NEED you to feel sorry for me, but I also don’t think there’s any need (to make such comments). I don’t know if you’ve seen these types? It could be an artist or a singer who’s gotten hurt, and even if the person themselves say that they’re alright- they’re already being brave about it- they don’t consider it a big deal. People will say, “Oh, they got hurt” and there will always be the comments that say, “They make so much money, what do they have to be afraid of a small injury for? If I made that much money, I’d be willing to get hurt too. You can take my arm.” There are always these types of comments. LYN: I don’t think there’s any need. If you- if you think that you want to do this type of work, then come do it. If you want the opportunity to suffer an injury for what you think we make in a day, then come. Don’t just run your mouth, come on. You can work hard for the day you are the person in the video, and not the one just sitting around making baseless comments. I am just a very normal person who made my start by busking street in order to make it to where I am today. I know from experience what you’re trying to say. If you also want to live this type of life then you can keep working hard instead of running your mouth. LYN: I hope that people on the internet can be kinder, because you never know what words of yours can hurt someone else. I’m not saying that you’re harming anyone, but I don’t want you to harm anyone INTENTIONALLY. You have to be a good person.

C: Ning-ge, do you play games? LYN: I said that I used to play games during breaks on set, but this drama really doesn’t give you any time to play AT ALL. None. Not a single bit. So I can’t play. 

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C: You look so handsome riding a horse now. LYN: Oh, I don’t deserve the praise. Have you ever heard of the phrase, “打死犟嘴的淹死会水的” (the stubborn will be beaten to death and swimmers will be drowned) That’s what my family always told me when I was little. What does it mean? It’s an old Northeastern saying, I guess. Usually children like to be stubborn, so they will be hit. If you’re not stubborn and quickly apologize for your wrongdoings, then you won’t be hit. And as for the second half, it means that the more you think that you can swim, the more likely you are to drown. For someone like me who can’t swim, if I see water I’ll stay far away from it, so I am less likely to encounter this danger. People who can’t swim normally won’t go near the water, unless they were thrown in- which is a different case entirely. That would be illegal. That’s not good. Riding a horse is the same. I don’t dare to say that I CAN ride because I’ve met too many people who said that they could, but have fallen off a horse.  LYN: In my last drama- I forget which it was- but someone was bragging about their horse-riding, and how they’ve shot so many scenes over the years and then? As soon as the shoot started they fell from the horse. I think this really gave me a wake up call. The first scene I ever shot for the Long Ballad I was kicked by the horse, too. Ever since then I have had a reverence for horses, and I don’t consider that a bad thing. Whenever I see a horse I feel a sense of awe. I need to respect them and love them, and consider them my friend. After I ride the horse I will always pat it and tell it “Thank You.” - /the first thing he does when he gets to set and has a horse scene that day is to give the horse a carrot or two. And now that the horse has eaten his offering, it owes it to him to be nice. XD/ C: Don’t pat it on the butt, though. LYN: Of course not. LYN: And, every time after I finish riding the horse I will always tell it “thank you”. I don’t know if it can understand, but at least it can feel my respect for it. C: Ning-ge, you’re good at “拍马屁”! [colloquially: to kiss up to someone; literally: patting a horse’s buttocks] LYN: Do I have a death wish? Have you ever heard the saying “an old horse’s buttocks are untouchable”? What you lack in life are these so called “old sayings” like this. C: Ning-ge, it’s supposed to be “tiger”. LYN: They’re all animals and you shouldn’t be touching any of their butts, whether that’s tiger, horse, goat, or cow. You can’t touch any of them. We switch out the animal depending on the situation. C: You can touch Daimi’s! C: Ning-ge, what about yours? LYN: 

LYN: If you can’t watch properly, get out. If you can’t continue watching and you find this stream uncomfortable, you can leave. Why do I feel like you’re trying to provoke me. I’m bringing you happiness, and you’re trying to provoke me?? AND you want to touch my butt???  LYN: Then, I will gift you with a saying, “Lao Liu’s butt is untouchable!” LYN: Friends, I’ve been cyber-bullied. I get the feeling those words were said just to cyber-bully me. LYN: So, I can ride a horse now. I saw that there were some pictures of me circulating online and I looked pretty cool. I can ride, but if you ask if I can ride at a gallop- if remember someone in the last stream asked such a question- well, it depends on how long. I think one minute would be okay, but I don’t think I can handle one hour. It depends on the horse, too. Horses are just like our automobiles nowadays- they all have their speed limits. - /gives some examples to the effect of: the car CAN go 100mph, but is it safe? No. So you drive at a safer speed of 30-40mph. It’s the same with horses./ LYN: My first guzhuang drama, the horse that kicked me on first meeting- it’s name was Little Nezha. I’ve remembered it. The horse I’m riding now is called, “One-Two-Three”. Yes, it’s just that random. A lot of the horses have names, and I’ve asked before. Because dogs definitely recognize their name when we call them and your cats do, too. But horses- at least the ones in Hengdian- don’t know their own names. After they’re bought, they’re already mature horses- it’s not like we are raising them from young, in which case they would know their own names. These horses are already mature, so basically you’re just giving them a label. We’re giving them artist names. My horse is called One-Two-Three.

LYN: ! I’ve fond some of you seem to have issues. I don’t like it when you play these jokes with me. Someone just commented that the reason I can’t ride a horse is because I have... “that”. I don’t have it! Don’t go around making rumors, saying useless stuff.  [t/n: I also want to know what “that” is... ]

LYN: I can ride a horse just fine, normally. But if you want me to fly, I can’t do it.

C: Is One-Two-Three aggressive? LYN: It’s not- actually it’s pretty timid, but those are the hardest to ride, I think. Sometimes with guzhuang dramas you need to ride in the rain- as soon as the artificial sprinklers turn on the horse will get scared and can’t be controlled, which makes it hard to shoot the scene. I think aggressive horses... they’re probably ok? I haven’t met any- most of mine are the timid ones. They’re more sensitive, so I guess that’s where the expression “马惊了!” (the horse is startled) came from. LYN: Nezha wasn’t aggressive, it was just too timid and hyper-vigilant. It felt danger when people approached, so it tried to make me get away from it. I told you- it kicked me because it wasn’t quite right in the head. It has some psychosis which couldn’t be cured, because it’s difficult to treat a horse. It usually shoots the action scenes, where it has to fall. It’s just fallen too many times that it’s created a trauma for the horse. It’s sad. I wanted to understand it, so I learned about its story, but after I did it just confirmed the fact that “可恨之马必有可怜之处” (a hateful horse must have sad beginnings). C: Give it extra carrots! LYN: I’ve never met it again. And I don’t want to meet it again. This horse and I are maintaining a “to each his own” relationship. I hope one day it gets its big break.

C: Have you ever met a horse get startled? LYN: I haven’t. But my last drama was also a guzhuang and there was a scene where the horse pulls a carriage and the horse got startled and started running. I wasn’t filming that day so I wasn’t on scene- it wasn’t my carriage. But it ended up taking the side mirrors off one of our crew’s new cars. The horse was pulling a carriage, right? So the horse ran past just fine, but the carriage didn’t make it.  LYN: There was another scene in my last drama, but I wasn’t in the carriage. I was riding in front, and the carriage in the back. The horse was walking along and then suddenly got scared. It could have been anything, but it got scared and ran straight into a ditch. There’s a road with two ditches on the sides, and the horse got scared and ran for the ditch. It doesn’t care, because it can get across just fine, but the problem is there’s a carriage with an actor in it attached! So.. /laughs/ the actor ended up in the ditch. Oh, I probably shouldn’t laugh. My merit just decreased one point. Thankfully it wasn’t a serious incident. No injuries, just a bit startled.

LYN: You probably see through the leaks I’ve been riding a black horse. That’s One-Two-Three.

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C: Ning-ge, why can’t Daimi run in a straight line. LYN: Oh, you’ve found it out. XD Ever since she was little she hasn’t been able to run in a straight line. I think she might be a little disabled, but she walks just fine normally. It’s just that when she runs it seems like as soon as her feet hit the ground, her butt flies out. She runs sideways. I guess she has more power in her hind legs. But it could be because she’s chunky. 

- /checking how long he’s been streaming for, bc if it’s been long enough he’ll go rest and take a nap. current time is 2:40. says he’ll keep streaming until 3 full hours. doesn’t know when the next time he’ll stream is./

- /is okay with the night scenes because they’re more action than fight lately. just for show./ LYN: I think YNGS... will be a really good drama. The script and everything is very good. I hope everyone- at least my fans- can keep it in mind. I hope that it airs well.  LYN: I’ve also seen that people are getting agitated at the amount of leaks, and are trying to argue with people to stop posting them. They’re trying to scold people, which I think is within their right, but also the fact of the matter is that even if you scold people it’s no use. They’re going to post what they want. I don’t think you need to rebuke people so fiercely, and in turn it makes us look bad. The best thing we can do is not to circulate the contents, and that’s enough. You don’t need to start any fights, because no matter what you do it’s going through deaf ears anyway. If they really listen to reason and stop posting, that would be ok. But in the majority, that’s not going to be he case and it’s not as if you’re going to find where they live and go beat them. That’s not worthwhile. The best we can do is not circulate the content and not make a problem for the drama crew. That’s enough. LYN: It’s okay to be be more mild about it. Because this is a drama, and not a target on me personally. It’s about the whole drama group, so we (lyn’s fans) don’t have to get too worked up about it. Another things is, please DO NOT start fights with others. Please. I’ve already said- I’ve only just debuted, but I am old enough. If antis or strangers want to ridicule and curse at me a bit, let them. You can debate with them, but don’t attack. If you really can’t bear it, you can debate; but don’t attack others. Then we would just turn into the same type of people they are. Let’s be harmonious. - /people asking things they shouldn’t and getting scolded/ LYN: Let’s try to protect this drama a little, and wait for it to air. I mean, it hasn’t even FINISHED FILMING yet, you know- there’s no need. I trust that when it comes out it will be a really excellent product. Let’s just anticipate it, and leave it at that. I said earlier, didn’t I? A lot of people asking when this or that drama is going to air- and I told them to just live healthily. We have to stay alive until the day the drama airs. We’ll all see it eventually. So we have to live, happy and healthy, and with a passion for life. 

C: What about your next drama? LYN: Can I tell you? I can’t. It hasn’t even been confirmed yet, if it were I would tell you. Once I sign the contract I’ll tell you. Why would I tell you when it isn’t even official yet? This is like your coworker asking you how much you make- would you tell them? Do you think they would tell you theirs? Say today’s payday and you both get off work, and you ask you coworker how much they got paid. Do you think they would tell you? Never. They don’t want to know, either. Because 1. if they make more than you, you’re going to be jealous of them, or 2. if they make less than you, they’re going to have a breakdown. This is an unspoken agreement between friends. Us actors don’t ask each other how much a drama pays them. I don’t go up to ZSX and ask him how much he gets paid for a drama. I’ve never asked such a question. Don’t ask these questions. Just like with asking your coworker’s salary, you don’t ask an actor what their next drama will be. People just don’t do that.  C: Ning-ge, I’ll tell you. I make 1,800. LYN: Wh- What are you telling me for? Now I’m jealous of you. You can’t just tell people this, friend. Be more subtle. Who knows how you make that money. Don’t get too ahead of yourself. You’ll get a big head. You can’t make yourself out to be someone with so much money- you DO have money- but you can’t be too arrogant or else people will hate you. Remember this, alright? C: I make 10k a month. LYN: See, I was jealous of that person, but now I hate you. Why do you deserve it? We’re all people with one head and four legs- wait- one head and two legs, why do you get 10k a month? I hate you now. You definitely should not announce how much wealth you have. Don’t assume that the internet is such a safe place, and that people can’t find you. You’re online now and people can definitely find your IPA and location. This is dangerous. Not only online, don’t ever reveal your assets in any situation. There are unlawful people on the internet who use underhanded tactics to can find your information and scam or steal away your money. Let’s not look for bad luck, alright? When you go out just tell people you make 50RMB a month. Trick them into feeling sorry for you and giving you 20k instead. Don’t reveal your assets, no matter what. 

LYN: I saw a saying online, that I’ll share with you. It seems like it makes sense, but at the end you’ll think it doesn’t make any. There’s some reason in the nonsense. “If you use all your time to work, then you won’t have time to make money.” I don’t know if you’ve heard this before? After I heard it I thought it made a little sense. But I was also thinking, “If I don’t work, how will I make money??” I haven’t slept for three days, thinking about this saying. I can’t figure out what it means. C: Superfluous Literature (the art of saying nothing) LYN: I don’t think it is. There must be something behind this, but maybe it’s something only people with a higher level of understanding can make sense of. It’’s just... if you don’t work then where does the money come from? I’m guessing the person who said this must be well-off to begin with. They don’t want/need to work because their family gives them money to make their own businesses? There could be this type of logic behind it. I don’t know who said this to begin with, someone abroad I think. For me, my family didn’t have the money to give me to pursue my dreams so the only thing I could do to make money was to work.  C: Working and making money are two different things. LYN: That’s probably what they meant. Working and Making Money are different. Yes. But if you don’t work then how do you make money? It’s dumbfounding. Ning-ge needs to think on this and mature and maybe after another few years I’ll probably figure out what it means.  C: Working is just for “dead wages”. LYN: Not necessarily! - /talks about how, when he was working in the boutique he got 1200 a month, which is why he was jealous of that person earlier who said they make 1800. But on top of this, there is bonus gained from commission, quota, etc./ LYN: You can still make money from working. When you don’t have any other choice... I-... Forget it. /thinks/ No, I can say this. Just to share. Because I’ve met a lot of people who have a dream, something they want to do. Something they are really passionate about pursuing. If someone likes drawing, they’ll want to be an artist. But the problem is they’re close to starving, and then they count on their family for money to get food to eat.They pester their mom for money and only want to be an artist, and won’t consider anything else. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do or not. If it were me, I’d find some work and make sure I have the means to take care of myself first. There’s no point in pursuing your dreams if you can’t even support yourself. Get a job first. If you can’t even take responsibility for yourself and be independent of your family, how do you expect to accomplish anything? Get your affairs in order first, so that you can have the opportunity to make money later. Just don’t consider yourself above “small money” and stay static and waste away. If there’s work to do, just do it first. Please remember this. A lot of you may be getting ready to graduate college and enter society and are thinking that some jobs are belittling and you don’t want to take them. The problem is that the job you want may not want you. You have to make do with what’s available now. When you have better choices, you can move on to do better things. You just need to have stable footing first. Don’t expect to get anywhere when your feet aren’t on stable ground. It’s hard to make it to the top at the start. Make sure you have stable footing first. LYN: I was the same. I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be a celebrity and never thought I would end up going to cooking school. I didn’t want to be a singer AFTER I was a cook, I’ve always wanted to be one. So why didn’t I stay at home and make a fuss, saying “I want to be a singer. I don’t want to be a cook or a waiter, and I don’t want to sell clothes.” Why didn’t I do that? Because I knew I couldn’t survive without it.

C: Ning-ge, can I be a part of your company? LYN: Oh, I see. Then our basic requirements for our employees are... I’m going to start interviewing you now. What are you expecting to make? If it’s over $10 then we don’t need to discuss any further. Our principle is that we let people who have just entered society come to our company so that they can learn things. I think young people aren’t afraid to waste time and are willing to try out in a variety of different industries, not afraid to fail. You can learn all sorts of things here and at some point when you have enough experience, your assets will follow. C: Is there food and living expenses? LYN: Let me tell anyone who has come with interest in the company some requirements. Please don’t think I’m a bad boss, this is just a matter of choice. If you can’t accept the terms, you can choose not to work here, but don’t call me dark. The first condition is that LYN Co. workers do not get paid a salary. You come here to learn, purely based on your own liking. If you want to come, come. If you don’t want to, then forget it. Secondly, we don’t have an office. You all work from home. There’s no opportunity to come to work, you just stay at home. // There’s no chance to see the boss and we don’t have any year-end gatherings or bonuses. You’re just here to learn. C: Our title? LYN: Your title is just “staff”; there are no positions. If you want to be security, you can call yourself security. If you want to make comments during my streams, you can call yourself a "comment-er”. If you share my new song with your friends, you’re a “sharer”. You choose what you want to do. C: Who would go if there’s no salary. LYN: Yeah, so then... don’t come. We’re not lacking in people right now anyway. It’s entirely up to you. C: Turns out I was already a part of it. LYN: See? You’re a part of my company and no one ever told you. It’s very simple to become part of my company, as long as you’re my fan, you’re in. Because I don’t have a company. C: Ning-ge, I want to go be the boss’ wife. LYN: Don’t say these things to scare me. If you keep with it, I’m going to dissolve the company. I’ll quit, too. Don’t use these words to scare me, please. I can’t take it. I’ll dissolve the company and run. Don’t be like this. Even if I have the sin of killing your father, it’s not worth such a form of payback. How much must you hate me, to want to be the boss’ wife? LYN: I said I would dissolve the company and run and I saw someone say, “ You want to elope with me?”

LYN: I know we have a low qualification requirement, but we still have basic mental health requirements. If you... have a mental illness, let’s not enter the company. We can’t take the responsibility, and it’s dangerous for the workers. We’re not accepting anyone who has mythomania, hallucinations, or violent tendencies. Why? Because it’s quite scary. I suggest you look into another company. Go ask around what other artists’ companies are lacking workers. C: People who don’t want to become the boss’ wife don’t make good employees. LYN: Don’t go around spreading this sort of false morality. You’ll influence a generation of young people. We have a lot of young girls who are in college here right now. When they graduate and get into a company, do you want them to be thinking about how to pursue their boss?? That’s really strange. What’s your worth, then? You spent three or four years in school, and for what? What sort of nonsense is “people who don’t want to become the boss’ wife don’t make good employees”??? Do you think this is an idol drama? The domineering CEO starts to love a normal employee? They don’t think anything of the arranged marriage their parents have set up for them with a well-off and good looking girl, but fall for the normal salary worker in their company? Love is love. It’s just that inexplicable. The employee liked to throw water in their face all the time, but love is love. Do you think your real life is like a drama? There’s no way.  LYN: Have you never heard of that drama called “Don’t Fall in Love With the Boss (Legally Romance)”? Have you not seen it? This is exactly the story line we’re talking about. 

C: Ning-ge, I can tell you’ve watched a lot of idol dramas. LYN: I have. I watched a lot when I was younger, but when I grew up I pretty much stopped. Let me tell you which ones I’ve watched- other than my own- I’ve seen You Who Came From Stars. LYN: Someone typed a bunch of question marks into the chat and asked, “You act in idol dramas?” There was a question mark after these five words. Friends, let’s... let’s examine this. They typed this into the chat. /puts it up on screen/ Let’s examine why they would ask this question in such a way. There’s a couple ways we could in interpret this: The first is “Ning-ge, you’re willing to act in an idol drama? You would go for it? I thought you wanted to act in more manlier roles/dramas.” This is from an acting perspective. They second you already know without me needing to spell it out, right? The second is, /in disbelief/ “YOU act in idol dramas? Huh? You. In an idol drama. You, as an idol... in a drama?” See? Every space you put between the words gives it a different meaning, but no matter which way you cut it it’s full of skepticism. /sigh/

LYN: I almost forgot. I released another song recently, called 爱是不放手 (Love is to Not Let Go, Almost Lover OST). Wait- why do I look so dumb? Look at this- What’s wrong with this expression? My face is so round. This expression here is showing three words: “I am sad.”

LYN: Why? Why is it like this? This picture is alright. I look like a normal human being. A lively young man.

LYN: This one is a little too fake. This was taken before one of my concerts.

LYN:  Every time I see pictures of myself from back then I want to thank the fans I had who followed me from then until now. They truly didn’t look at appearances. They were completely drawn in by my talents alone. When I see myself I think I looked like a “pig-faced mountain”. 

C: Ning-ge, I am completely one of your song-fans through and through. LYN: Thank you. But I hope that when my drama airs, you can take a look at it too.

C: Bai Choufei won an award. LYN: I actually think that’s a rare/uncommon occurrence. Because BCF isn’t a character who would have fans- he’s a villain, but not one that garners fans. They all say that “If the man is not bad, women won’t like him.” But I don’t think it’s proper to use this expression on BCF. I think that if you became a fan of me through BCF, then your taste is on the higher side; you saw into BCF’s soul. People rarely get that and if you can, then I’m sure you are a person who is not wary of others. LYN: I think, even if you are just a supporting character, to be remembered and liked by the audience is something that makes me very happy. I mean remembering the role, and not the actor. Even though the actor IS LYN. As an actor, I only have four dramas out. If we’re going to pick out which drama aired the best and which brought me the most fans, it’s going to be Hao Du. I know a lot of people got to know me through Hei Yanjing, but they didn’t necessarily like me, and even could have hated me. This role didn’t really attract a lot of fans. So Hao Du brought me the most fans, but it’s already been two years since The Long Ballad has aired. So for me, having been known for only one good work in these two years, it’s normal that people still don’t acknowledge me and my acting. When people question me and think I don’t deserve it, I can understand where they’re coming from. Because I’ve only got four dramas that have aired.  LYN: I’m already lucky. The role of Hei Yanjing was because the character and base novel is already very amazing, which people to get to know me. But The Long Ballad was only my third drama, and already people got to know me from it. I’m very lucky. How many actors out there have been acting for YEARS and still don’t have that breakout role? It’s hard. Hao Du gave me a lot, and a lot of people got to know me through him. LYN: So I totally understand when people question and refuse to acknowledge me. They don’t acknowledge me, but I acknowledge them. I agree with them, because I only have four dramas out and in those four I was only just a supporting character. I wanted to play supporting roles because I wanted my career as an actor to be a long one. I could have directly signed onto a main lead role if I wanted to, if it were a smaller project. But I think that would be irresponsible of me, and irresponsible to the viewers. I had to start with supporting roles, so I had a clue what acting was all about first. Take it one step at a time.  LYN: I understand when people can’t or won’t acknowledge me and I can agree with their thinking. My fans know that, including YNGS, I have only fie dramas waiting to air and in them I’m mostly supporting. YNGS is almost over, and when I enter my next drama I’ll have six dramas in the waiting. These few years I’ve always been working, non-stop. They’re all supporting roles, but they still take three-four months all the same.

C: Then.. I hope they air soon. LYN: Honestly, I’m not in a rush for them to air. I want them to wait.. and then air seven in a single year. I wouldn’t be the main lead in all of them, but think about it: seven dramas in one year and they all feature LYN. How terrifying would that be? C: Ning-ge, if that’s the case then you can cameo in a lot more dramas. LYN: What you mean by that is that I should get in contact with every open crew and ask them if I could go cameo? That way each year I can feature in tens of dramas. That’s a little... unnecessary. I only go to cameo in dramas because I am very good friends with the actors/director/producer. Otherwise.. I already have my own work to do, why would I go cameo?

C: Ning-ge, being a supporting actor is also very good. LYN: ... Are you trying to convince me? Are you even my fan?? Even if that were the truth, you shouldn’t be telling that to me NOW. As someone just starting out in this industry, isn’t it a good thing to set your sights higher? Just like my fans earlier who wanted to be LYN’s company’s boss’ wife. Isn’t that also setting your sights high? Is it unrealistic? I don’t want to only play supporting roles- I also wish the day would come where I stand at the front of the stage as a main lead. Is it wrong? No, right? LYN: Friends, I’m just a child in his tens (x3). I JUST finished acting as the male lead in a guzhuang drama, and someone told me it’s find if I keep playing supporting roles. Do you know how much that hurts?! /fake cries/ LYN: /sighs/ How painful. Actually everyone who lives in the jianghu one day dreams of becoming a general. I am no exception. I believe that there will come a day, I will be... Oh, no. I shouldn’t mess around with this. I can’t get it out. That’s not important. LYN: Is there something wrong with calling myself a “child in his tens”, friends? C: Ning-ge, don’t cry. Your makeup will run. LYN: Why would I cry? Why would I cry, when I don’t even have the time to be happy? I went through so much to get to this point in my life and someone told me I’d be better off acting in supporting roles. I want to tell this person- the only feeling I have towards this, which is- Heh. How damning. Those words are really evil. C: A broadcast drama. LYN: No, I don’t dare to. These lines are just basic. Please don’t go out and praise my recitation of lines or my acting. Just don’t praise me at all. Everyone knows I am a singer who’s gone into acting, so they don’t hold much expectation for me. This is my opportunity to surprise them so that they think I’m not actually too bad at it. But if you praise me too much and then they see me, I will have failed to meet their expectations. Please don’t go around praising my acting or my lines. My lines... are really just basic and I hope that all my good friends can remember this. LYN: No, really. Don’t go around praising me/pushing me on people. I don’t think there’s any meaning in doing that. The viewers aren’t blind- they can all see. If you say “Ning-ge’s Northeastern dialect is so good” then that’s fine and I can live up to that. But I can’t live up to “Ning-ge’s says his lines so well” so you don’t need to praise me for it. 

C: LYN, do you use inversion when you speak? LYN: Sometimes, but it’s not a construction I am used to using.

C: When will you leave to film? LYN: In Hengdian it gets dark around 5:30p, so I just need to get to set by then.

C: Ning-ge, as long as we have an interesting topic, we can chat for hours. LYN: Yeah, that’s how it works.

C: Shandong people like to use inversion. LYN: Do they? I very rarely meet people from Shandong. But my ancestors are from Shandong, that’s why I’m so tall. // But I’m a Liaoning, Dandong person.

C: Have you eaten? LYN: I are breakfast but not lunch. I’ll probably order some takeout and then have a nap and I’ll be ready to work at night. 

C: From where in Shandong? LYN: I forget. It’s not important. We’re all from Shandong, and that’s good enough. 

C: What’s on the chair? LYN: This chair? What’s it to you? I need to tell you all about my house furnishings? It has nothing to do with you, so don’t ask.  LYN: No, I bought a vest. I had wanted to wear it, but I don’t think I can, now. It’s like those bulletproof vests you wear when playing games. It was cheap and I bought it to wear during games but ... yeah. // I can wear it during a stream at some point.

LYN: The last time I came to stream I was wearing a white wig, do you remember? Most of the time after I finish up with work I don’t have the time to come home and make myself presentable. So I think wearing a wig is quite nice. I went online and bought four more, just about the same style as the white one. I bought four different colors. Later when I stream and I’m not wearing the drama wig like this, I’ll put on one of those wigs. I’ll have one for four different streams and then rotate. It’s too cool. I bought a pink one. I’ll be a handsome young kid. Very fashionable. I bought a pink one, a red one, and two other colors but I forget.  C: Green? LYN: No, there were colors that weren’t too positive, so I didn’t buy them. - /suddenly breaks into song/ LYN: This song is very non-mainstream, isn’t it. Honestly- who wasn’t? I want to know, those of you around my age, didn’t we all have that phase? I was like that too, once. I also kept long hair. C: This song had a Chinese version? LYN: Yeah! There was a song called “Lonely”, have you heard of it? It was one word, repeated.

LYN:  午夜电台? What’s that? Is it this song? - C: Ning-ge, weren’t you born after the 00′s? LYN: Yeah, and? A “child in his tens”, that’s me.  -  LYN: I don’t think this is the right song. There used to be one called 午夜DJ, have you heard of it? --  午夜DJ (Late Night DJ) C: How silly. LYN: What are you saying? This song is so nice. It’s the music we all grew up on back then. People shouldn’t forget their beginnings, friends. C: Ning-ge, I’m not connected to the speakers, play it. LYN: What do you mean? I played that song and you didn’t want others to hear what was playing on your phone? This song is that embarrassing? That’s unwarranted, isn’t it? No, right?? C: Ning-ge, if that’s the case, play something even more humbling. LYN: No, not a more humbling song, but a song that can make THEM feel even more embarrassed. It’s not that the music itself is bad. I really like this music. What should I play? --  2002年的第一场雪 (The First Snow of 2002) LYN: No, this one isn’t right. Something that can make them feel embarrassed... this one. -- 皇上吉祥 (Emperor’s Favour) LYN: Let me see if there’s an accompaniment and I can sing it myself. LYN: How is it? Is it good enough? Do you enjoy this type of music? Doesn’t it have that feeling? Is it captivating enough? Huh? I’m hyped. No matter who hears this song, they’ll be dumbfounded. [t/n: it’s a song abt earning the emperor’s favor and becoming his seventh wife.]

LYN: Alright, that’s about enough friends. If you still haven’t subscribed to my weibo, please do so. When I have the chance to stream again, you’ll be able to come watch. Thanks for all your company and support today. I still have filming to do at night so I’m going to eat a little something and then take a nap and continue to work.  LYN: This afternoon you  all have given me company and I hope I was able to keep you company as well, and give you a little bit of happiness. I want you all to be happy. I hope you had a relaxing and wonderful weekend. I am happy to have had you today and hope the rest of your day goes well. Let’s meet again in the next stream. Goodnight, everyone.

-- /closes out with  意气趁年少/ LYN: I might have a performance in a few days where I’m going to sing this song. I’m testing out if I can still sing it.  LYN: Alright, goodnight everyone. Bye bye.

[overdrivels]

Among Us!AU

This was supposed to be a simple mission. Come onto an abandoned space station and commandeer it. It was a spooky place that had definitely seen better days. For the past few days, you and the rest of the Overwatch crew who were able to come ran around fixing odds and ends on the station to get it to a habitable level.

But strange things had begun to happen. Lights going out at odd times. Sudden oxygen depletion. It had gotten to the point that you all had no choice but to wear your suits at all times, unsure when you’d all be thrown into a life-threatening situation or sucked into the cold vacuum of space. 

Then the first body appeared: Zenyatta.

Winston was on cameras when it happened. A humanoid shadow off screen sliced Zenyatta in half, destroying his processor. It was precise and quick. By the time Winston had called an emergency meeting, the perpetrator was nowhere to be found. 

It made everyone uneasy. Genji was understandably upset, threatening to unmask everyone in vengeance. It was Hanzo, surprisingly, who talked him down from it. It didn’t keep Genji from retaining his promise: anyone suspected of being the killer will be felled by his sword. 

But it set the stage for your daily meetings now. 

Everyone had to account for themselves and others. No one could trust the other. Winston’s vague description of ‘someone in a suit’ could have been any of them. As much as no one wanted to believe it, they could only suspect themselves--there was no one else with them, was there? 

There was too much to do to travel in large groups. In the end, everyone was assigned pairs. If anyone got hurt, the other could signal or provide assistance. There is safety in numbers.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get to the bottom of this.” 

“I hope so.” 

You checked your holotablet for tasks. They didn’t look very different from the previous day’s. 

“I’ll be right outside.” 

“Thanks, Genji.” 

He nodded at you before pulling the curtain. 

The isolation, though thin, made your skin prickle. If something happened to Genji, you don’t know how you’d face Hanzo. He was a scary guy on a normal day, but you didn’t want to see him mad. 

As quick as you could, you stripped off the suit and stepped onto the scanner.

Once a week, everyone had to do a scan in the medbay to send data back to Earth. Athena and Angela monitored everyone’s health from one of the Watchpoints back home and sent back recommendations. Zenyatta was supposed to receive them, but now…

You pressed a button and the scanner came to life. The worst part about doing this was the waiting. The quiet hum only made the silence stretch into anxiousness. It’s only when the beep came that you could feel relief. 

You yanked on your suit, nearly tearing it in your haste. It’s dangerous to leave yourself exposed for so long. If it weren’t protecting you from the elements and potential catastrophic reactor meltdowns, you’d keep it off--it just weights down your limbs and feels too constricting, more so than necessary. 

“All done?” came Genji’s voice from the other side. 

You pulled back the curtains, managing a relieved smile at the sight of Genji and his bright green suit. “Yeah. Your turn.” 

“I did mine two days ago,” he said, waving you off. “Where to next?” 

“I, uh.” You pulled out your holotablet, but in that instant, the lights went out. You took a step back and bumped into something not hard enough to be a wall. Fear nested in your throat. “Ge-Genji?”

“I’m here.” Even through the suits, you could feel the rumble of his voice. “Don’t worry. I’m here.” 

Unconsciously, you smiled. That’s right. Genji, for all the jokes and his whimsical nature, was a reliable person. He would definitely protect you. 

“Should we go check the breakers and fix the lights?” you suggested, putting the holotablet away. 

“The others are likely closer. It is safer here.” 

You felt him shift behind you and then the sound of a sword unsheathing. The sound made your stomach clench unpleasantly. Fear began to filter into your veins. What if Genji was the person--what if Genji killed Zenyatta--what if he did it and acted angry so no one would suspect him? 

The speculation made you dizzy. 

“Be still,” he said. He held his katana in front of you, the faint green glow of his katana granted you both some extra visibility. It only made the visuals through your mask more frightening. Everything was cast in an eerie light. “I will protect you.” 

Just those words were enough to calm the nervous beating of your heart. Right. Genji couldn’t possibly be the killer or whatever was in this place. You could trust him, you assured yourself. You kept that line of thinking up even after the lights returned. 

As soon as they do, the signal for an emergency meeting goes off. 

At this rate, you’ll never get your tasks done. 

Exchanging a sheepish look, you and Genji made your way into the meeting room. 

Two by two, everyone came filing in, the colored spacesuits adding life to the dreary room. Cyan and Blue--Mei and Hanzo. Red and Gray--McCree and Fareeha. Yourself and Genji. Black, Orange, and White--Winston, Torbjorn, and Soldier: 76 are already in the room. 

You breathed a sigh of relief seeing everyone accounted for. Every time the call for an emergency meeting went off, you feared the worst. Everyone else must have been thinking the same. Mei held a hand to her chest, visibly breathing out a sigh of relief upon counting all the members. 

“So, what’re we in for?” McCree asked. 

“Head count,” Torbjorn offered gruffly. “Makin’ sure you all still got ‘em.” 

Soldier waved him off and pressed his hands against the table. “Where was everyone when the lights went off?” He pointed at McCree and Fareeha. “Report.” 

“We were both takin’ care of the trash.” 

And though Fareeha may not have said it loud enough to hear, her voice still came through the mic sets, “And there was a shit-ton of it.” 

Ignoring that, Soldier then pointed at you and Genji. 

"I was doing the medbay scan," you said. “Lights went out as soon as I finished.” 

Genji nodded. "I can confirm, I was there."

With your alibi established, they moved onto the next person until all alibis were heard. Everyone's worried expressions visible through the small window of their suits. You were, too.

Winston raised his hand as though to adjust his glasses, but bumped into his helmet instead. He gave a little laugh before he cleared his throat. “Right. With that out of the way, we have some new information. It appears to be some sort of lifeform that is able to, ah, control people.”  

Blue’s head--Hanzo--snapped up. “Control people? How?”

“We don’t know. There is simply not enough information to determine whether this life form kills and takes over the body, in essence, replacing them, or if it is simply controlling our bodies and leaving the victim alive.” 

Mei put both hands over her helmet where her mouth would be. “Does that mean the person might not even know they’re the killer?” 

“It’s quite possible. But again,” Winston rushed to say before the clamor in the room could reach unrestrainable levels, “we simply do not have enough information to work off of. We are still not dismissing the possibility of an outsider. And absurd as it may sound, maybe even a shapeshifter.” 

The last part fizzled out as though the communicator didn’t want to relay such a nonsensical theory. But it would be entirely possible. In that case, no one would know who to trust. 

“We again recommend keeping your partner in your sights at all times, if possible. Notify the rest if you suspect anything suspicious. You are all dismissed. Please continue with your tasks.” 

There was some hesitation before the groups dispersed, everyone whispering to each other. You and Genji were no different. 

As you did your tasks, you both pondered the nature of whatever it was you were facing. A shapeshifter? A doppleganger? A parasitic creature? Whatever it was, Genji swore to put it at the end of his blade. 

By the time you were done with your tasks, it was ‘night’. Even with Genji helping, there were just too many things to be done in the station. It’s a given considering just how long it has been abandoned, but you really didn’t expect this much work out of it. 

Even Genji requested for a short break. 

“I’ll get us some tea,” you offered. The cafeteria was just a short ways away from your rooms anyway. You’re sure nothing will happen in the meantime. 

“Thank you.” The fact that Genji didn’t even try to offer to come with you only gave away just how exhausted he must be. With the death of his master and now being suspicious of everyone on the space station, you couldn’t even imagine. 

The cafeteria was huge and so very empty. Dying here would probably be the worst way to go. If you couldn’t find the perpetrator, were you all going to die in space where no one could hear you scream or mourn your death? Where you’d have to be thrown out into the empty embrace of space without ever returning home? 

You shook yourself free of the oncoming existential crisis, grabbing two mugs and some stale teabags from the cabinets. You had to focus on the tasks at hand. Tasks make the day go by faster. And the faster the days went by, the faster you could all get the hell off this space station and go home where you didn’t have to suspect your fellow teammates of being shapeshifting, human-eating aliens—

“You’re alone?” 

You shouted, nearly jumping out of your skin. You spun around and there was Gray--Fareeha. Your eyes darted back and forth. When did she sneak up on you? 

“Fareeha! Um. What brings you here?” 

“Where’s your partner?” she asked suspiciously, crossing her arms. Her tone immediately sent goosebumps up and down your skin. 

“He wasn’t feeling all himself, so he’s resting. I’m making him tea,” you said quickly.  

“You’re not supposed to move without each other.” 

“I know, I just thought--you know, we’re just across the hall.” 

She sighed in exasperation. “I can’t believe you. I’m coming with you until you have your partner back. Safety in numbers, right?” 

You smile weakly. “Right.” 

She waited patiently for you to finish making the tea and then nodded at the doorway even though no one was there. “Jesse. Let’s go.” 

From behind the wall, McCree came out and gave you the tip of a phantom hat. “Escort mission, eh?” 

“Hey, McCree.” 

“Howdy. Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?” He bowed dramatically at you, sweeping his hands at the door. “After you.” 

Even in such tense situations, he hasn’t lost his flair. You couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks.” 

No sooner did the three of you step outside the room did the lights go out. 

Fareeha growled. “Again!?” 

“Guess we gotta go fix the lights.” 

Someone--probably Fareeha--grabbed your wrist. “Wha—?”

“Gotta go fix the lights first. Then we bring you back to your partner.”  

You could only follow whoever was pulling at your hand, unable to see more than just a few inches beyond your helmet. You don’t even know where you’re going or how they’d know where they were going for that matter. 

But eventually, the grip on your hand disappeared. The sounds of footsteps faded away. In fact, everything faded away. No lights, no sound. Nothing. It was as though the vacuum of space was condensed onto your being, reality slipping away from you in inches. 

The sound of a buzzer snapped you back into reality like a bubble popping. The lights were back on. You were standing in front of Genji’s room, on the other side of the cafeteria where you exited with your cups of tea. You looked around. How did you get here? Odd. You felt odd. You felt...full. Satisfied?

A voice--Soldier’s voice--crackled in your suit’s headset, choked up and reluctant.

“Dead body found. It’s...Fareeha.”

---

In case it’s not incredibly clear, which it isn’t, you’re the imposter and Genji isn’t. I’ve also only played the game a handful of times and watched a dozen youtube videos on it.

Originally it was supposed to be revealed that it’s Reaper who is controlling you ala symbiote-style. If I included it, I thought it would end up being a multi-chaptered thing and I wasn’t ready for that. But to tie up loose ends, Reaper was turning off the lights via your tablet without you noticing. Genji is sus of you. Everyone is sus of Genji. You were able to do the medbay scan because Reaper was in your suit which you took off.

[marshmallowprotection]

Heyo! Ray, GE, and Suit Saeran with an mc who has a younger sister and often feels guilty for not being able to understand and in turn help their sister (because their sister is, in blunt words, emotionally weak) because their much more emotionally strong and can practically take anything thrown at them and has never experienced the feeling of wanting friends (because their friends are video games and their art)?

Ray

You’re amazing to him. You may not always know what to say but you seemingly always have a smile on your face and reach out to grasp at him whenever you can do so. He likes that you’re a bit like him in that regard. 

He isn’t scared of being close to you because of your reactions, from the way your cheeks heat up to the way that your hands tremble against his. It just feels right to him and it’s what he wants. What he didn’t account for was your younger sister tagging along with you but it seemed like she had nowhere else to go but with you, and as much as the thought of family tore him to pieces, he wanted you, and if that meant caring for your sister as well, he would make do with it. Your sister often tries to speak for you, and she tries to help you express yourself when you fall silent and don’t know what to say to him. 

Honestly? A part of it bothers him because he wants to hear from you, not what your sister thinks you think. You won’t know this because he is rather kind and the last thing he wants is to upset you. Your sister reminds him of the one he doesn’t want to think about, so it makes it hard for him. He does note that your younger sister is rather lonely and they do have that in common. He does his best to get along with her and you’d never know he’s irritated. 

“I know how much you care for your sister, Y/N. I commend you for... never leaving her behind. You’re a good person. I admire that about you. That’s why I want more than anything to protect you.”

Suit Saeran

You’re someone that invaded all of his senses and that’s something that he can’t stand because he doesn’t know why you mean so much to him when he’s barely known you for a couple of days at most. Ray had more time to make an opinion on the matter, he has to act faster. 

You’re pitiful, and you often bite your tongue and never respond to a word that he uses to try and push you down. He wants to break you and rebuild you, he wants to understand what makes you tick and what will make him get what he wants. He doesn’t know what he wants but he thinks if he picks you apart, he’ll figure it out. You know what he doesn’t appreciate and won’t hide from you? Oh, he detests your sister. She won’t hold her tongue and even though she knows that she holds no power, she always tries to tell him to leave you alone, and she always tries to lift you up after he’s torn you down for his own fun. Her anger looks amuse him if anything because he knows that he’s winning by getting a reaction out of someone. It may not be you, but it’s enough for him. 

He will order you around by threatening your sister, don’t hesitate to think he won’t. The most that he’ll do is put her into another room, but he knows that that is enough to break you. Your sister always manages to say what you want to say, but in a less gentle way. You’re always thinking of Saeran’s sake and trying to help him realize his anger isn’t helping him, but both your gentle inaction and her loud action take their toll on him. 

“You better teach her how to watch her mouth, Y/N. I can’t stand people who think they know better than me. The Savior wouldn’t hesitate to get rid of her to make you listen. So, you better listen to me so that doesn’t happen.”

Saeran

You’re a kind person and you’ve always had a way of understanding what he needed to know. He thanks you for being there for him and believing that he could change and that he could get better if he just took a chance on himself for once. 

You always did just what he needed and he would forever be grateful for your faith and kindness. He never expected someone to care so much for anyone like himself, but you proved him wrong on that one. He can’t stop the smile that goes and builds on his face when he’s with you. He realizes that your sister was there for him as well, and he has to admit that she really got through to the part of him that is Saeran when he was fucking up. How you never fed into his danger and how she always told him what he was doing was hurting himself and the one that he wanted to be with the most. He has to say that he admires your sister for how sincere she can be, even if she has no filter when it comes to when she wants to help other people. He chuckles at it now, but she really had been a force for change in his life with you. 

His apology to you is filled with adoration, but his apology to your sister is just as big. He’ll sincerely mean, and promise that he will try his hardest to be a better person for you, and for your sister, and if she gives him a chance, he won’t take it for granted. It helps you build a little family together as you search for the one missing piece in due time, his brother. Your sister always manages to keep him on his toes and he enjoys listening to her opinion now that he gets that she isn’t inherently mean, she was just as lonely and hurt as they had been. 

“I care for you, Y/N, and your sister. I hope that I can make things up to you, to both of you. I know I have a lot to make up for and that I have a lot to learn but please, if you give me a chance, I won’t make you regret it.”

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Infinity War (6)

CHAPTER 6: TRUST

Loki & The Avengers

Summary: A work inspired by @queencfthestarsdrfoster ‘s post of the universe where Loki is alive and Thor is avenged.

Series: Will contain all- and more- that we saw in Infinity War. Will not contain smut and fluff for obvious reasons. Might contain weird humor though.

Chapter content: story time. emotions time. new science bros time?

Warnings: talk about the past

Word count: So my cousin wanted to make sure I knew how to smoke before I wasted his precious joint. I wasted good five drags of his cigarette because I kept ‘mouth-fagging’ (heard that for the first time) but when it came to the joint, I kinda (in my sister-in-law’s words) aced it. Now, this in no way means any of you little ones reading this are encouraged to do this. I am a twenty-five year old idiot who does not know how to breathe right. You guys are better than me. And I kinda impressed my cousin by showing them Tari’s little pet. Hehe.

MASTERLIST & Taglist in bio, my love

“We’ll be landing in ten minutes. You better have something up your sleeve for these people.”

Loki smirks at Rhodey. “Is our beloved Captain going to be there?” The curiosity is laced with pure mischief. So much that even Tony can smell it from the cockpit.

Rhodey crosses his arms across his chest and tilts his head at the God. “What is it with you and Steve? You have a crush on him or something?”

Loki shrugs and leaves the silence to be taken as whatever answer they please. Giving up, Rhodey walks and seats himself down in the cockpit next to Tony, who does not seem as welcoming to the company. “What are you doing here? Go in sit the back with the Grinch.”

“Relax, he’ll be fine,” Rhodey reassures, lying back into the seat.

“I didn’t mean-”

“I know who you mean. The wizard is back there too.”

“That guy is on some meditative high floating about like-”

“Relax!”

Loki looks in the direction before easing himself into his seat. The soft streak of light coming in from ahead falls on his dehydrated and wounded skin. For a simple moment, the warmth on his face feels beautiful. It feels free. This star always had a different effect on him; to the point that Loki closes his eyes for a brief moment and soaks up as much of that warmth as it can. His Jotun form feels a different comfort for those minute specs of time and all the memories of the day he has had, float in the space of his mind. No noise. Just the inaudible pictures running at a slow pace, every grain of colour remembered just as it was. Every fire, every explosion, every tear down the eyes, every tear in the enemy’s skin, every drop of blood lost, every drop of blood avenged. The space shows it all till it brings him back on earth, in this jet, under the sun rays falling on him till he starts to feel a chill on his neck.

Loki opens his eyes and sighs, tired as he is. He knows what is the cause of his discomfort- nothing harmless. It’s just that he is still not used to the little human looking at him with the curiosity of a child with those huge dark eyes and surprisingly not scared of him or judging him unlike his father. Scratch that; from his mentor.

“I know you are curious,” Loki utters, his head still resting on the headrest of the seat, tired of life in general, “just ask what you want.”

Peter’s eyes light up, his body adjusting itself in the seat next to Loki on its own. “Oh, okay,” he begins, making Loki wonder in slight surprise how long has this kid been holding himself back, “why did Thanos use you in Battle of New York? How did he get to you? Like did he leave you a text or something or was a like a proper meeting where he called you in his dungeon? Or did he booby trap you to get there? And once you said no, did he like put some spell on you? And why didn’t you tell your brother about it? Thor would’ve helped you, right? And I heard he’d taken you back to Asgard once the battle ended. So, like, you guys must have talked then. Thor must know about Thanos too. Did you make a plan on how to take him down? Are there more necklaces out there like Doctor Strange has? What do they do? Are they here? On earth? Will Thanos be coming to earth to get them? Do we make up a battle plan to stop him? Will we be able to stop him? If we don’t stop him what’s gonna happen?”

Peter finally breathes, something Loki is surprised to witness. Such concern weighing down those young bright eyes. And to think he once had the same fervour. Once. The pocket dimension is accessed to bring out a green packet. Peter eyes it as pale fingers tear it apart from one side to reveal little violet spheres inside, their smell reaching those inquisitive little nostrils.

“Here,” Loki offers them to him.

“Kids don’t take things from strangers here,” Tony announces from the cockpit. Rhodey looks back while Strange opens one eye to observe whatever it is Loki holds.

“It’s chocolate, Stark. Calm down and fly your toy. Take one while you’re at it. It will help get rid of your anxiety for a while,” the God declares.

 “It’s fine, Stark,” Strange adds, going back into his meditative pose, “it’s harmless.”

Peter has already popped one in his mouth, the expression on his face reflecting- without any filters- how good it must be. “It’s better than any I’ve ever tasted before!”

Loki smiles at him, feeling one softly crunch under his teeth. With a content sigh, he begins.

“Before the battle of New York, the last time I saw my family was when I tried to take over Asgard. I had a falling out with my...with the Allfather. And Thor. He was to be announced the king by Odin but I felt it was not the right thing to do because he was not ready to take over that role yet. So, I did what I thought the best. I conspired with the Jotuns. They are...were at one time a species bent on dominating the world, monsters in the eyes of all. I did so to delay Thor’s kingship and destroy the Jotuns once and for all. What I did not know at that time was that I...was one of them.”

“The Jotuns?”

“Yes. I was a Jotun who, when an infant, had been taken away by Odin to be raised as his own. I had been abandoned by my father because unlike those frost giants, I was weak and small and hence a disgrace to the king to whom I was born as a son. So, I was left at the alters of forgotten temples where Odin decided my fate after he won the battle against the Jotuns. I was raised just like my brother to look at the frost giants as monsters; the greatest evil of the world. Once I realised what I was, and tried to do right by...Odin, I killed my father, the Jotuns and when that did not suffice...I killed myself.”

Loki can see the emotions brewing in Peter’s eyes. He notices the silence going further than just these puppy eyes, at the foreign ears pretending to be in a world of their own but paying full attention to whatever history is unfurling around them.

“Then?” Peter is almost too afraid to ask.

“Then the universe decided to intervene,” he continues, “I was supposed to die once sucked into a wormhole. But somehow I survived. I figured it was the accelerated healing due to the Jotun blood that flows through me. Or maybe it was a magic that had long protected me from the world. Either way, I found myself on a barren moon, half alive, waiting to die till it felt much arduous than living itself. I gathered whatever strength I had to walk. And walk I did till I found the lowest of life living in the dark corners. I mixed within, to survive before I found resources to move to other planets and lay low. It was an easy task once I regained my strength. I was able to shapeshift into what people wanted to see. The underbelly of certain galaxies found my talents with magic quite useful, which got them objects nowhere within the reach of normal aliens and I got to live on the highest price paid for my efforts. They did not go unnoticed by the assassins who were looking for someone like me to do their bidding. The only downside was they belonged to Thanos and I was going to be paid in kind.”

“In kind?”

“In kind.”

“I don’t ge-oh...Oh...I’m so sorry.”

“Their kindness came with the price of my sanity. Not that I was a completely balanced being before. But Thanos made sure I was moulded into a weapon he could use to wage war on Earth to get him the stone he desired. The space stone. It was-”

“In the tesseract that SHIELD discovered with Captain Rogers,” Peter quips in enthusiastically before he absorbs the hint of amusement lining Loki’s face. “I uh...went through some of their files,” he whispers.

“Illegally?” Loki asks in a whisper himself, bending a little in the little one’s direction.

“...maybe,” Peter shrugs, making Loki chuckle. “Good boy.” The praise takes him by surprise, but it makes his eyes lighter nonetheless.

“Now, Thanos would have invaded earth ages ago if he wanted to. But he did not do it because the last time his henchmen tried to, someone had sent them running back with their tails between their legs. Some say it was a witch that glowed. Others said it was a demon. And the ones with brittle egos announced that the earth had sent a God in the shape of a woman to throw them off their guard. Of course, I thought they were making excuses until I saw it for myself.”

“How?”

“It’s a whole story for another day, child. But to be brief, Barton helped me understand a lot of this planet’s history when he was under the influence of the mind stone. And Nicholas Fury has been one busy man.”

“Son of a bitch,” curses come flying from the front of the jet, “I knew it.”

“So, I was a mere pawn in Thanos’ plan to invade earth. I was controlled and forced to bend to his wishes of procuring the stone in exchange for my life. He was inside my head the entire time I was here on earth. Except for all the moments the sceptre was separated from me. That was the only time I was able to keep a part of my conscience alive and sane enough to think of ways to survive while making sure the stones never got into Thanos’ hands again.”

The blue ocean gives way to African lands beneath them, deserts and grasslands stretching for miles. The sun directly above them makes the inside of the flying machine glow brighter, striking off every reflective surface it can find once it finds its way through the glass. And in that brightness, a thought washes away those long-forgotten anxious bugs sitting in some dark corners of Tony’s mind. The bugs that had sucked on his own rationality ever since the battle of New York. The questions he wanted to ask the God himself but never had the time or resources for it.

“It was you,” Tony declares as his dark honey eyes looked at some void in the distance outside, “you built the failsafe in the portal.”

“Of course, I built the failsafe in the portal. What am I, a monster?” Loki scoffs in Tony’s direction, clearly being bothered by the fact that it only dawned the genius now. “Doctor Selvig helped me with the restricted technology you people had and I made sure there was a way to stop the attack. And a way to stop me. And not to mention I could not have let the earth be destroyed or I would not have heard the end of it from Thor or his girlfriend.”

“Oh tone it down, Maleficent, you killed Phil,” Tony fumes.

“Oh relax, he is alive!” Loki sings back, annoyed.

The jet feels a turbulent jerk before finding its balance but throwing Strange off his. Turning on autopilot, Tony gets up and walks in the back to face Loki. “What did you just say?”

Loki can see all the shades slowly crawling over Tony’s face- anger, denial, resentment, shock, more denial, fury…

“Go ahead,” Loki challenges, “ask Fury.”

“...you killed eighty people.”

“Collateral damage. I’m not a saint either.”

Only the hum of the engine makes up for this deafening silence between these two that makes Rhodey, Peter and Strange uncomfortable. Soon enough, Tony sits down opposite Loki, taking all three of them by surprise.

“Ignoring that statement for now,” Tony narrowed his eyes at Loki, “after Thor took you back-”

“I was imprisoned, Thor’s girlfriend discovered the aether and my mother was killed, the dark elves were destroyed and Thor was given the freedom to go back to the love of his life.”

“That was you too, wasn’t it?” Tony added without a pause. “You sent Thor away. And if I’ve seen the pattern correctly, you sent the aether away and kept the Tesseract on Asgard.”

Loki lets the smirk play on his lips. He is impressed by Stark’s deductions and the same time is internally a little envious of not having met this man during a better time. The things we could have achieved together.

“Yeah,” Tony nods only slightly, giving that two-second smirk that vanishes as quickly as it had appeared, “smart move. Sending your family away. Keeping the stones apart. Thor told me his father made peace treaties when he left. So, adding to the previous list you increased Asgard’s defences in case Thanos ever came looking for you or the stones there.”

“Stop before you start sounding impressed, Stark,” Loki mentions with a gentle smile, “this colour does not suit you.”

“Rest it, daddy issues,” Tony chimes, “I’m only appreciating your strategies. Not really a fan of this persona. Never have been.”

Loki does not miss the tick in Tony’s beard as his fingers move in some calculative thought. “What has been bothering me is you had it all- every piece of information on that bastard and never once did you bother to warn anyone. Not even your brother. Do you have any idea how much lives could have been saved had you kept your fucking ego aside and tried to make amends for all the crap you put people through.”

It isn’t much but the reflection of the warm glow from the sun outside touches Loki’s eyes enough to reflect a veiled pain behind those few fast blinks and the movement of his fingers on his other palm. If hadn’t been for his own experience, Tony would have missed reading Loki’s shallow breaths, the urge to fight off the tears building in those tired edges, the sweat collecting on his neck.

“Tell me honestly, Anthony Stark,” Loki states, catching Tony off guard for a fraction of second, “Why, for the love of all things alive, did you not tell your family about the threat you saw coming earlier? And when you did, what exactly did they do?”

Tony opens his mouth just to shut it back up, a thing out of the usual for the people who know this man all too well. He stands up, turns around, only to turn back at Loki and point his finger at him, to try and speak again. And again, he fails. Hands on his hips, he clinches his jaw. “That doesn’t make us the same.”

“Oh, no, it does not,” Loki agrees, “it only shows our shortcomings. Battles on the field are much easier to run into than the battles in our minds.”

There is much disbelief internally but a part of him cannot help but look at Loki in a new light. And Tony curses this part again and again for no reason but the imminent truth that comes out of that Silvertongue.

“We’re here,” Rhodey announces from the cockpit, trying to get Tony to come back and breathe.

“Don’t listen to any advice he gives you,” Tony warns Peter, making the boy nod in uncertainty and the God chuckle in delight. Tony goes back but not before he has taken those exotic chocolates from Peter’s grasp. “First rule of stranges, kid!”

“Those are chocolates, Mr Stark,” Peter whines as he watches Tony walk to the cockpit and take a seat.

He pops one in his mouth, feeling the silken magic work in his mouth.

“You ready?” Rhodey asks his friend, “you’re going in a completely foreign country with a criminal, a magician and a whole lot of unresolved emotions with Cap.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Tony remarks, popping another one in his mouth.

“Dammit, why are they so good!” He whispers in surprise, making his best friend roll his eyes and pray for whatever was about to come.

[writeanapocalae]

Pinned Butterfly

Once I found out it was DX:HR’s anniversary I actually intended to write something for it. It’s extremely whumpy and I don’t think survivable but that happens sometimes. You can read it on Ao3 if you prefer!

It wasn’t a big deal. He could heal. He’d had worse than this. He’d had worse. He’d had worse. This was nothing. This was a single bullet, torn through his side, but the trajectory was a physical thing, that was it. He’d survived worse scraped than this. He’d survived being torn apart and put back together, some kind of Frankenstein’s Monster with debt. He’d survived being dropped to the bottom of the ocean. He’d survived everything that he was being examined and laid out, used for science, betrayal after betrayal after betrayal.

He thought that all buildings were earthquake prepared, but apparently that didn’t matter too much when the walls had been punched through over and over again, on his way here.

There had been warnings, there were at least a few hours of notice that there was something coming, but he’d ignored it. His mission was more important. Francis was more important. He’d traveled half way across the world to get to him, leaving Prague and his actual job behind on a whim, just because he’d heard of a little bit of trouble. Just because he thought he’d check in and when he did he heard a grumble and some background noise and a location screamed out by a man sounding like he was in as much as Adam was in this exact moment.

Everything was on fire. It didn’t help. The fire had started in one corner of the building, some wiring sparking off in the initial quake, and it had spread through all of the paperwork. That paperwork that was now floating around him like feathers, as if he was in the middle of a shooting range and they’d just released crows and doves into the smoke.

He grabbed at the rebar, grit his teeth, and tried to pull himself forward. He could feel his healing factor try to work, to heal his skin around the protrusion. The longer he stayed there the harder it would be. The pain of just a millimeter made him scream out, fingers bending, his grip hard enough to slough off some of the rust. He hadn’t even seen Francis in all of this. He’d hardly seen anyone.

He’d promised, through his info link, that he was coming. He made sure that Francis never felt alone. He didn’t know what they wanted from him and, other than some gurgling and coughing and pain, he had never gotten a response. It had to be Francis though, there was no way for it to be anyone else. People didn’t cut out infolinks and leave both the link and the owner functional.

He couldn’t focus. He could hardly even hear. All he could do was feel the way his skin was trying to grow, feel the large protrusion, feel himself shake as he tried to get himself off of it. He could snap necks, he could destroy walls, he could fall thousands of feet, and he wouldn’t feel it. He could’nt snap the rebar. He wasn’t strong enough.

He was breathing in smoke but that didn’t matter. He had filters for that. The heat was much more of a problem. He already ran hot. This was making his HUD hick up and shake, the glitch making it hard to see. He closed his eyes.

Part of him was fine with this, was fine with dying. It was poetic, him locked away in a burning tower, all alone. He hadn’t read Frankenstein in years, but he remembered that scene, the monster in the windmill, everything burning, but that may have been the movies. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He couldn’t even do what he was meant to do.

“!@5sen?” It was garbled. It was jibberish, half static and half voice, broken and tired but still a voice. “Y2* the#2e?”

“F.Franc.is?” He shuddered as he tried to reply, as he tried to break through the pain, to get to him, to get something.

“D82 yo( bre!&* the bui#%@ng or some&*ing?” He hardly sounded like himself. Any harshness of his voice was gone. Any snark was forgotten. “Wh(*e are y12?”

“F.Flo.or fif.ty tw.o”

“!m on my #&y,” Francis explained. “Me&+ me ha!#^&y?”

“Can’t. Fran.cis. I...” He didn’t now how to explain. He couldn’t be weak. Francis had been taken and, for the better part of a week, been only updating him with the sounds of pain. He couldn’t ask Francis to save him. He couldn’t expect Francis to be able to. “I can’t. I’m. Stuck.”

“St89k? Fin@, what!#ver, I’ll ge+ to y!@.”

“No!” Adam ordered, trying to pull himself further, struggling and failing and trying not to let the fact that he was sobbing come across the infolink. He couldn’t let Francis know he’d gotten himself in this situation. He couldn’t let Francis know how weak he was. He was a failed piece of machinery, a monster who deserved to die alone, because he’d never had the courage to go out and get attached to someone after Megan. “No. I’m not. You just. Get out. Of here.”

“Too #ad!” Francis grumbled. There was a ding. “Lo#%a like the @#$vator sti!! wo9ks.”

Francis knew not to take the elevator in a building crumbling like this, he had to. Only an idiot would trust the elevator after an earthquake. Or someone extremely desperate.

“Don’t. Waste. Your. Time on. me.” Adam tried to get him to stop, tried to plead. He didn’t come all this way, gotten himself killed, just for Francis to die in an elevator.

“You wa$+ed your +!me on m3. &nd I c138 %^&( 1236e you here. I !#&d you.”

Adam could barely understand what he was saying. What he was able to piece together didn’t make any sense anyway. He needed him?

“Fine. Then. BE. Quick.”

Radio silence. The heat was getting worse. Adam cursed himself for wearing his jacket. It was too hot, would have been without it, but now it was on fire in places and only his blood was putting it out. He pulled himself up another half inch, before he was coated in sweat and tears and more blood. He had to get off of the spike before Francis got there. He had to get off of there before his body gave out, before he ran out of energy.

He had perhaps gotten three more inches before there was another ding and a grunted curse and something that must have been a scream of surprised. He glanced over and now he could see the flames. The desks had all caught by now, and the sprinklers had gone off in the distance but the roof was too broken where he was. The fire was being controlled everywhere else.

He could see the elevator, the light inside of it flickering, and there was Francis, leaning in the doorway, pulling himself forward, slow and staggering. There was a noticeable limp as he came forward, and he was cradling his arm to his chest. Adam couldn’t see his face through all of the black and red and even his hair didn’t look right.

“Shit shit shit!” Francis growled, pulling up his shirt, as bloody and stiff as the rest of him, over his nose, so he could filter out the smoke. He hopped on one foot over some of the debris and then went to his knees, crawling as best he could on three limbs to get to Adam. “That looks. Well, that looks bad.” His voice wasn’t glitching anymore but there was still that strange quality to it, like he was too weak and hurt to have his normal tone.

“It. Feels bad.” Adam scrunched up his face. He couldn’t get any further, not on his own.

“We have to be quick,” Francis grumbled, pulling up in front of him. “We have to get that out. Shit. Can you survive that? Or are you going to bleed out?”

“I.ll heal,” Adam promised, though he didn’t know if he could. The battery symbol dancing on his HUD was showing empty.

Francis looked him over. He looked Francis over. With the shirt over his face he couldn’t see all of the damage, but one of his eyes were barely open, some of his hair had been shaved, and his cheeks were both puffy and swollen. The arm held to his chest was clearly broken and some of the fingers on the other hand didn’t look much better. There was a large patch of blood on his leg and he was favoring the other, so he was probably wounded there as well.

Francis reached out, wincing, as he grabbed Adam’s belt buckle with what fingers he could, struggling to undo it and then he pulled the belt free.

“What. Are you. Doing?” Adam asked.

“I saw this in a movie or twelve,” Francis breathed. “I don’t want you biting off your tongue so you’re going to have to bite down on this.”

He held the belt up and Adam took it, putting it in his own mouth. It tasted like blood, his blood, because he was spilling it everywhere.

Francis took his hands then, one at a time, and he could see how Francis was shaking, how hard it was for him to be standing. He led Adam’s hand onto his good shoulder and Adam gripped it, unable to stop himself from grabbing too hard.

“You don’t. Have to. Do this.”

“Shut up,” Francis hissed, moving Adam’s other hand onto his waist. “I’m going to do some counting and I’m going to ignore the one and I’m going to pull you. You’re feet are on the ground so you can walk towards me. If you pull me forward I will fall down though.”

Adam nodded.

“Okay. Three, two-” Francis pulled. Adam grit his teeth, screaming through them, as he left indents into the leather. He took a step forward, feeling the ridges of the rebar pull through him, rubbing against his tissues. Francis was clutching at him, his arm wrapped around Adam’s back in a facsimile of a hug, dragging him off of the spike. He didn’t stop screaming until he was free, until they were both on the floor, wrapped up in one another, among the flames and debris.

He spat out the belt, feeling heat and fluid pour out of him, the hole in his side burning. Francis was whimpering beneath him, both of them were soaking wet now. He could see the clean sweeps on Francis’ face from his tears running through the blood. He pulled himself off of Francis, off his broken and bruised body.

“We have. To go.” Adam tried to pull himself up but the pain in his side erupted and he fell back to Francis’ side.

“Can you fly?” Francis wheezed.

Adam closed his eyes. He breathed. He was too tired to even think. In too much pain to fully understand. “My cells are. drained.”

Francis took his hand again, led it to the pocket of his jacket. His jacket was the cleanest part of him, they must have taken it off of him when they were hurting him. “Found some energy bars downstairs. I ate one but I thought. If you were in danger. You’d need it more than me.”

“Fran.cis,” he didn’t need to say it. He didn’t need to say anything. Francis probably hadn’t had much to eat in the past week but he was saving things for Adam. He had been tortured but he was making time for Adam. He was hardly able to walk but he’d made his way up to Adam.

Francis did have energy bars, three of them, in his pocket. Depending on how much healing would take up of his energy this should be enough to get them down to the ground floor with the Icarus. He unwrapped and ate two of them before dragging them both away from the flames, away from the rebar he’d been impaled on.

He was able to stand after a little bit and then he was getting Francis to his feet as well. They were both struggling to stand, but they were leaning on each other. He got them over to the window and Francis buried his battered face into Adam’s chest. It was easy to shield someone so small as Adam shoved his elbow into the already spider webbed glass, opening their route out.

“Now would be a bad time to mention I’m afraid of heights, isn’t it?” Francis creaked out a broken laugh.

“Just. Hold onto. me.” Adam ran his hand through Francis’ longer hair. Where they’d shaved him it revealed the ports at the back of his skull.

Francis did. He pushed them out of the window. They only fell five feet before the Icarus kicked in, golden light shining out from around him, creating an orb of light and air to slow their decent.

“You. Okay?” Adam asked, still stroking Francis’ hair.

“No.”

“Me neither,” Adam admitted. “Thank yo.u for. coming for. me.”

“You came for me first. I couldn’t just leave you.”

There was something else there, hanging on the air and then left behind, snatched away by their descent. Adam wished that he could reach out and catch it.

“I would. Always. Come for you,” Adam admitted, holding Francis closer.

There were sirens beneath them. There was help coming. They were going to be alright, eventually. Francis lost consciousness by the time they landed, from shock or from pain Adam couldn’t be sure. Even then, on the ground, he had a hard time letting go of Francis. He wanted Francis to stay with him, not just then, but back into Prague. Every time they separated something terrible happened to at least one of them. He wanted to keep Francis with him. He wanted to know what had been left in the air.

[slinkinginshadows]

One Life for Another

Summary: Ryou wants Mariku out of the shadows, and has to make a deal to get him back that involves becoming a surrogate for a demon.

Warnings: Demon pregnancy with a male character (but with ‘normal’ birthing organs), body horror, eating of a dead animal because of cravings, and a birthing scene. No sex/impregnation, though.

Wordcount: 5776

Well, this took a full month to make, the longest I’ve worked on something and the longest oneshot I’ve made in my 7 years of fanfic-ing, so I’d really love reblogs/replies/feedback!

Can mostly be read without context of yu gi oh, the ‘plot-related’ stuff is just why he’s pregnant. All you need to know is that in the series, Mariku was sealed into an alternate dark reality that’s referred to as ‘the Shadows’ and that really sucks, it’s full of monsters and junk, and Ryou wants him out. Ryou’s body is good at handling magic because he was a host to a creature from the shadows that he was often possessed by.

Ryou had clawed his way into the shadows for this, and he wasn’t leaving without Mariku. They’d managed to communicate through a Ouija board and a few possessions that had allowed them to talk, but as much as Mariku had tried to hide it, he was getting weaker. He’d either die or become completely unresponsive, and Ryou couldn’t have that.

Which was why his magical projection was talking to a demon. They had skin the color of red velvet cupcakes, and a grin at Ryou’s nervous chatter.

“You want me to draw this man you love from the darkness for no payment?”

“What do you want?” Ryou chose each word carefully, and the demon paused to think. Ryou was struck by their eyes- a dazzling, almost ruby-red color.

“I want… you.”

“Me?” Ryou half-squeaked, before steadying himself. “If you want my virginity, then- “

“Oh, no, pet. I mean you. Your body.”

“You want to possess me?” He tried again, and again the demon shook their head.

“I can tell your body is strong in the ways of magic. If you want this man back, then you will consent to carry a child for me.”

Ryou’s eyes widened. “You want me as an incubator.”

They clapped their hands. “Bingo! One life for another. I give you what you want, and you give me what I want. That sounds fair, don’t you think?”

Ryou swallowed. “I assume this is the only deal you’ll take.”

“Unless you’re willing to offer your soul, which people seem so stingy with nowadays, yes.”

“Then with a few conditions, I’ll accept.” Ryou tried to take a breath, but the shadow magic slithered down his throat like the humidity on a muggy summer day.

“You’re not in much of a position to be making caveats.” Still, the demon didn’t immediately banish him, listening.

“First, you’ll guarantee I’ll survive birth, and second, you’ll give me an appropriate entrance and organs so it doesn’t have to burst out of my chest.” He paused. “You’ll also send Mariku back not-dead, and without any diseases or deadly injuries that mean he’ll die soon. He comes back whole or not at all. And you don’t get to take him back when the baby is born.”

The demon laughed. “You have flair! Fine, I shall accept your conditions. I couldn't care less what happens to him, honestly. Now that the dark one has been banished, I can rescue your precious lover. The moment he is in your arms, you will be with child, my child, and from conception to delivery, you will not die or be gravely injured. It would do me no good to kill you, after all. Deal?”

Ryou swallowed, holding out a hand that the demon took. “Deal.”

xxxx

Ryou had been sitting on the couch and trying not to think of everything that could go wrong when Mariku was dumped unceremoniously on his lap. The second they touched, he felt a twinge in his gut, and a searing fire moments later, accompanied by what felt like the area between his legs being ripped open. He couldn’t even see the look on Mariku’s face as he doubled over, hissing through his teeth.

Pain. He should have asked it to not be painful.

“Wh-what’s going on?” Mariku’s voice wasn’t full of bravado, stripped raw. “Is that- Ryou, is that you?” He leaned forward to touch the soft face currently dripping with sweat, fingers running down pale skin like it was the most precious silk in the world. “Did I die?”

“N-no.” Ryou choked out, the stabbing agony starting to recede, before a concentrated pinprick of boiling lava in his lower stomach forced another gasp out of him. “I brought you back.”

Mariku’s hand stilled. “You brought me back?”

For the first time, Ryou realized what a state the other was in- his hair was so matted down from unwash and blood that he looked more like Malik than ever. His clothes were torn and filthy, and bruises decorated his skin. But most of all, his eyes were deep and haunted, more like a child that had seen a pile of rotted corpses than the monster everyone had known during Battle City.

He knew instantly that he’d made the right choice before passing out into Mariku’s arms.

xxxx

Ryou woke up still on the couch, with an assortment of jackets and sweaters strewn loosely over his body. Mariku was on the other end, bouncing a leg and biting his nails down enough his fingers were bleeding. Ryou wasn’t hurting anymore, at least.

“Hey.” He pushed himself up, and Mariku whirled around.

“You’re not- what the fuck happened?” Anger and fear slipped together like a molotov cocktail as he grabbed Ryou’s collar, a raincoat sliding off with a swishing sound.

“I…” Ryou was dizzy with the weight of what was sinking in as reality. “I made a deal, to get you back.”

“If you were fucking around with Zorc, Ryou, I will strangle you.” His concern slipped through the furious words.

“Zorc’s gone. The pharaoh banished him. Besides, I wouldn’t make a deal with him.” Ryou almost spat the last word out. “It was a lesser demon.”

“What did you give up, then? For… me?” The grip on his collar loosened slightly. “Don’t say you bet yourself.”

“They wanted… a surrogate.” Ryou said slowly.

Mariku’s face twisted, this time with confusion. “A what?”

“Someone to carry a baby for them. I don’t think they can reproduce on their own, or at least, not reliably.”

“Oh.” Mariku’s amethyst eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Ryou set a hand on his stomach- it was thin now, but he had no doubt in the coming months it would swell. “Oh. But I didn’t want you dying there, no one deserves that, and you should get another chance at- “

Mariku lunged at him and wrapped him up in quite possibly the tightest hug Ryou had felt in his life.

“I don’t deserve this.” It was choked through the beginning of a sob, and Ryou set a hand on his back. Even being as gentle as he could, it caused a wince of pain that Mariku tried to shove back, and Ryou took a deep breath.

He could do this. He’d have regretted it for the rest of his life if he hadn’t.

Now he just had to make it to delivery and they’d be fine. He’d ask for happily ever after, but right now, he’d be content with just… living.

xxxx

Ryou had work, but he’d summoned Mariku back during winter break, and he usually worked from home anyway, so they had time to grow re-acquainted. The first few days had been interesting, in which Mariku had torn apart practically his entire fridge- it was his first food in over two years, after all. Ryou had never been able to do more than communicate, and the occasional burnt offering hadn’t reached him. Ryou had gotten him some new clothes, but he often layered odd combinations, like a hoodie under one of Ryou’s old trench coats. Ryou thought it was endearing, honestly- he was learning to be human.

He also insisted on sharing a bed with Ryou, even though they’d done nothing more than cuddle with the occasional kiss on the cheek or forehead.

It took two weeks for the morning sickness to kick in. He was making coffee when his stomach violently protested and he scrambled for the trash, acidic bile stinging his throat and lips as it came up. He tried to pull back his hair with one hand, the other trembling as it clutched the plastic bag inside the can. All the sites he’d looked at had said that usually morning sickness and the like didn’t happen until a month in.

He took a long shower that day.

xxxx

By the end of the first month, Ryou started running his fingers over his stomach whenever he wasn’t doing something that required both hands. He knew the child was in there- Mariku was sitting on the couch to prove it- but he wouldn’t see anything for another month and a half, at least.

He curled up on his computer chair, pulling his legs up. Mariku was drawing. When he drew, it was usually monsters he’d seen in the shadows- a coping mechanism, no doubt. It took him a few minutes to notice Ryou’s typing sounds had stopped.

“Did you die?” It was a question he asked frequently, his equivalent to ‘are you all right’, Ryou figured.

“ ‘m fine.” Ryou murmured. “Tired.”

“Normal tired?”

“I’unno.” Ryou pressed his chin into his knees. “It’s… too early to tell if it’s the baby or not.” He knew he shouldn’t call it that. He shouldn’t get attached, because he wasn’t going to keep it.

“I still can’t believe you’re willing to go through that for me.” His filter was nonexistent, a fact Ryou appreciated. He didn’t have to worry something went unspoken when Mariku blurted out anything that came to mind.

“And I don’t regret it.” Ryou slid off the chair, then sunk into the couch, resting his head on Mariku’s lap once Mariku shoved the drawing supplies off of it. “I’d have done anything short of trading myself, and that’s only because then I’d never be able to see you.”

Mariku ran a hand through Ryou’s hair, tugging too hard a few times, but eventually combing it to smooth. “I can’t believe we ever just called you the host. You’re so much more than that.”

Ryou blinked. It wasn’t often Mariku referred to Malik, even if it was in the plural involving them both. He smiled softly. “I really am a host now, though.”

Mariku rolled his eyes.

xxxx

Ryou hated the mood swings. He found himself sobbing when he dropped a mug full of tea, even though he’d been meaning to get rid of that cracked one anyways. He snapped at the mailman for coming ten minutes late, then realized what he was saying and fumbled over an apology. He felt nauseous almost constantly, and had moved a trash can into every room to save his poor carpet.

That was on top of the fact that he felt tired all the time. He took naps during the day, but it didn’t help the omnipresence of dark bags under his eyes and constant yawns.

Mariku was starting to get worried.

“This isn’t killing you, is it?”

Ryou shook his head, curling up with a blanket. “No, they… they promised I wouldn’t die. That was one of my conditions, and they can’t back out of something that explicit. Could kill me after…” He yawned. “After delivery, I suppose, but what would the point of that be? They’ll have their baby, I won’t matter anymore.”

Mariku grabbed Ryou’s hand, squeezing it. “If they try, I’ll rip their eyes out.”

Ryou smiled weakly, grimacing as a cramp hit him. “I’d like to see that.”

xxxx

At a month and a half, Ryou started bringing home more fast food. Mariku eagerly dove into it- Malik had always avoided grease, but he loved it. Ryou liked seeing Mariku eating happily, but honestly, he bought it because felt like he’d die if he didn’t have the grease and sugar. He could nibble on a carrot now and then, but anything solely healthy had gone the way of coffee in that it made his nausea worse.

He had no idea if it was healthy for the baby, probably not, but maybe demon babies didn’t need carrots and were making sure he knew that.

After almost a week straight of nothing but takeout, Ryou noticed a small layer of pudge around his middle. Great.

xxxx

It was hard to tell with the slight weight he’d gained, but Ryou swore he finally felt something hard under his hand when he pressed down at the end of two months. It was tiny, but it was there. His stomach cramped up, but when he gagged, nothing came up.

Oh. Right. He’d already thrown up everything he’d eaten that day about an hour earlier.

He hoped the demon didn’t operate on a human timeframe, because he wasn’t looking forward to another seven months of this.

xxxx

At two months and two weeks, Ryou was officially showing, even though it wasn’t obvious unless he had his shirt off. He’d started leaving his jeans unbuttoned or just wearing sweatpants, the swell against tight fabric uncomfortable. He was glad he worked designing games and writing campaigns from home, because he’d started feeling irritated by anything and everything. He snarled at Mariku for leaving a half-empty glass of juice in the fridge, and for dropping a sharpie Ryou had been using.

Neither had gone over well, both escalating into the both of them shouting until Ryou turned white and started retching into the trash can, and they both realized he wasn’t actually mad, just having a swing.

Ryou had started sticking a note on his shirt that said ‘I’m not actually mad at you, it’s the hormones’ and Mariku plucked it off and waved it at him when he got too pissy.

xxxx

They kissed on the lips after a marathon of b-list horror movies that made both of them laugh. It would have been hard to take them seriously anyways, but once you’d been through hell and come back swinging, they were a lot funnier. Ryou had been rambling off trivia about the special effects when Mariku had brushed his hand against Ryou’s cheek and asked if he could kiss him.

Ryou had replied by pressing their lips together, tasting popcorn butter and soda chapstick. When he pressed himself closer, he could feel the bump resting between them and tried to think of it as proof this was real.

xxxx

Ryou woke with a splitting headache at the day after three months. He filled and drank down a glass of water about six times, but his head still buzzed like there were bees inside of it. He knew he’d have to buy new clothes soon, most of what he had, while not form-fitting, wasn’t exactly loose, and besides-

Something moved.

Something moved.

He practically tore his shirt off, and Mariku grumbled at the movement, before seeing the look on Ryou’s face.

“What is it?”

“It’s moving.” Ryou’s voice was awed. “It’s not supposed to for another two weeks at least.”

“Nothing is normal about us, or that.” Mariku set a hand against Ryou’s stomach and frowned. “It’s hot.”

“Mmm?” Ryou gingerly prodded his belly, and realized Mariku was right. He could feel the heat starting to trickle up his spine. “Demon baby, remember? I should probably start expecting things to start going strange soon. For all I know, it’ll be more than nine months. I hope not, though.” He took a slow, deep breath.

Mariku’s fingers curled up on Ryou’s skin, and he locked eyes with him. “I’ll be with you. Even if it eats through your insides and tries to attack me.”

Ryou laughed. “My brave knight!”

Mariku leaned in for a kiss and it squirmed around again and this time, Ryou found he almost liked the sensation.

xxxx

Ryou was really glad he worked from home now, because even just walking the train to go to the store and back was starting to wind him. He could still hide the 15-week-old bump fairly easily under a few layers, but his back was killing him if he wasn’t back in his comfy chair within an hour. Mariku accompanied him to carry the heavier items. Ryou was glad that other from the occasional snarl at someone for cutting in line or trying to flirt with Ryou, he behaved. He loved trying new things, be they smoothie samples or riding in a train. Everything was new to him- even things that Malik had experienced. If it happened after they were split at age ten, it was fuzzy, through a haze of fog.

If Ryou felt like crying from a particularly bad cramp or itching at his skin from the inside, he just had to pull out the picture of Mariku sitting in a field of dandelions and sticking his tongue out slightly, trying to make them into a very sticky flower crown.

Six more months.

xxxx

Things started going sideways at 20 weeks.

Ryou had begun sleeping on his side, the bump too big to sleep on his front and the baby weighing down his bladder if he slept on his back.

“Hrrk…” Unfortunately, the nausea hadn’t gone away, so he always kept a garbage can right next to the bed, but this morning, he tasted something distinctly metallic mixed in with the bile.

When he flicked the light on, the typical yellowish-brown of sickness was red with blood and almost bubbling. He gagged again, before tying the bag off and throwing it out.

On the other side of the bed, Mariku turned over, eyes squeezed shut as he whined in his sleep about the loss of his living pillow, and Ryou washed out his mouth before crawling back into bed, warm belly between them.

xxxx

The next day, Ryou was cooking when a flash of heat struck him like he’d been shoved in a fire, and he dropped the spoon directly into the pan, gritting his teeth. Sweat dripped down his skin, and he gripped the counter.

“Are you- you’re all right, aren’t you?” Mariku was by his side in an instant- or at least it seemed like it. Maybe it had been a few minutes. Time wasn’t working right.

“I’m… fine.” Ryou mumbled, hand dropping to his stomach. Other than a few pounds of extra padding, it was starting to be obvious to any outside observer that what was settled in his body wasn’t just fat.

“You… don’t sound fine.” Mariku said, wrapping his arms loosely around Ryou. “It’s hurting you, isn’t it?”

Ryou bit his lip- the contact felt like ice and lava at once. “I can handle it.”

“You… you know you don’t have to.”

“I’m never sending you back.” Ryou said firmly, and Mariku pulled away. As soon as his arms were gone, Ryou missed them.

xxxx

Ryou wanted to tear his hair out more than once by the end of the week. His energy rose and dropped like a roller coaster- one minute, he wanted to redecorate the living room and cook enough food to last a year, the next he felt like a remote running on a four-year-old battery, barely able to even sit up. It didn’t help that the hot flashes were starting to occur daily, leaving him stripped down to just his boxers most days.

And of course that meant he saw it very clearly every time he looked down. He’d been so skinny before, it was jarring seeing his stomach almost blocking his toes. Pink lines dripped down his pale skin like paint, and it was moving a lot more now.

It didn’t help that it had already developed something sharp (claws or teeth, he didn’t know) and bruises dotted his belly.

Mariku offered him hugs and kisses belly rubs, but Ryou could see that he felt sick knowing that the only reason Ryou had to go through this was because of him, so Ryou usually turned him down on anything longer than a kiss, unless he felt really weak.

He could deal with it. He’d been host to the concentrated essence of the lord of darkness, he could handle a few kicks.

xxxx

Ryou hissed, curling his arms around his stomach. He’d been half-living off fast food during most of the pregnancy, but his stomach was starting to adamantly reject it. That would have been fine, but nothing else he ate- salads, pasta, veggies- settled properly either, leaving him perpetually starving. He swore his cheeks looked sunken in when he glanced in the mirror. The weight he'd gained was gone, leaving him feeling hollow everywhere but his middle.

His stomach growled on the way home from the store one day, and he sniffed the air. Something smelled good, for the first time in weeks, and he followed it to see a dead mouse laying belly-up in the alley behind his apartment.

He stared. It was surrounded by bits of chocolate- most likely someone had thrown a large bag of candy away and it had gorged itself to death.

His mind resisted but his stomach overrode it and he picked up the mouse, walked inside, washed it off, and shoved it in his mouth whole. He bit down only on the tail, and the blood tasted good.

Blood tasted good.

He was 23 weeks. More than halfway there, hopefully.

He just needed to stay sane.

xxxx

None of his clothes fit properly. Even his pants were too tight- his hips and butt had gained just enough weight he couldn’t comfortably wear even sweatpants anywhere but home, so he resigned himself to buying two sizes larger of everything, knowing the growing wasn’t done.

He had to take laps around the apartment at least twice a day or everything felt swollen. He’d started bringing home steak, and only cooked it for ten minutes, far under safe levels, before tearing into it, body craving the near-raw meat as well as plain bread and raw sugar.

His body was going to hate him when this was all over.

xxxx

One side effect that he hasn’t expected was an increase in his libido. He’d managed just fine with toys before Mariku had come back, but he’d set a rule that they couldn’t touch below the waist until the pregnancy was over in case it would hurt the baby and undo the deal. Unfortunately, since Mariku didn’t usually leave the apartment except with Ryou and his belly was big enough now that it was difficult to handle on his own, he’d taken to humping pillows once Mariku had gone to bed, thoughts of the other’s strong arms and beautiful face pushing him to the limit. He didn’t know if Mariku assumed that pillows needed to be cleaned a lot or just didn’t want to bring it up.

Ryou was going to jump him the second this was all over.

xxxx

30 weeks and his stomach felt like it had a lead weight inside of it most of the time. He had started piling pillows on the seat and back of his computer chair, but work was hard to focus on with a squirming weight constantly kicking and clawing at him. It made it difficult to sleep, and he was pretty sure the bags under his eyes were big enough to be classified as sentient entities.

Mariku only seemed to get more worried. “This is killing you. I can see your cheekbones.” He stroked a hand down Ryou’s face, fingers tracing over the alarming lack of fat on his cheeks. “It’s sucking the life out of you.”

“It can’t kill me.” Ryou said, trying to sound more confident than he felt as both hands cradled his swollen stomach. “That was part of the deal.” At a particularly harsh jab, he lifted his arm to see a bruise blooming next to his belly button. “Oh, you hush.”

“It doesn't mean you won't die of malnutrition twenty minutes after birth. You need to eat more.”

“Mariku, I’m already eating twice as much as I used to, and then some.”

“Bullshit. You didn’t eat anything today besides half a pound of hamburger and a bag of carrot sticks.”

“Demon babies lead to weird cravings. You didn't see the protein bars I had for breakfast..” Ryou stifled a burp, the ghost of the meat he’d had for lunch coming back up.

“You’re never in bed, and you never stop moving when you are.”

“You try sleeping with a stomach the size of a minivan strapped to your midsection.” Ryou tried to laugh, but his lungs didn’t quite seem able to pull in enough air.

“I’d rather go back than see you kill yourself for me.” He grabbed Ryou’s wrists, watching as Ryou froze.

“Don’t… don’t say that.”

“It’s true. I hate seeing you dying just for my sake. I love it here, you know that, I love ice cream and fresh grass and the way you look when something really cheesy happens in a horror movie, but I’d give it up to know that you were all right.” He set a hand on top of Ryou’s belly. “Promise me that if it ever is too much, you’ll find some way to cancel the deal.”

He could feel blood bubble under his skin as he was clawed from the inside. He nodded.

“Promise.”

He was good at lying.

xxxx

32 weeks and he’d stopped cooking altogether. His cravings were either for takeout or raw meat, and he’d started sending Mariku to the store by himself, not wanting to leave the apartment. He felt like a tense violin string, tightened too much.

All of his shirts were pretty much crop tops now, and stretchmarks decorated his belly, digging into the skin.

He was lucky that he mostly communicated with his friends through texting or they would have checked him into the hospital by now. He waddled more than he walked, and often leaned on the furniture, getting winded easily.

He couldn’t deny it anymore- it was draining him. More than just his energy and scraps of magic, his arms and legs both seemed thinner than they had before. The pregnancy sites he’d looked at said he should be gaining weight, but the growing number on the scale he had to use his phone to look at could only be attributed to the growth around his middle. Maybe he’d get lucky and it would want out early, but he doubted that.

xxxx

He’d collapsed while walking around the apartment twice, and Mariku had tucked him into bed so tightly it was like a straightjacket of blankets. 34 weeks and he felt more like an incubator over a person than ever, sweat matting his long hair to his face and neck. He was starving all the time, and if they didn’t keep enough food in the room, he ended up chewing on whatever was nearby, which in one case- that would have been funny in any other context- was a candle. It wanted food, and if he didn't give in to it, it not only drove him to feel complete starvation, but started gnawing on Ryou's body itself, causing some of the worst pain of this whole ordeal.

He curled around his belly, only the top of his knees not touching it, and hugged a stuffed Malice Doll of Demise Yugi had given him as a birthday present ages ago. The thing had grown so large that every movement scraped inside of his skin, and he sobbed into the doll when Mariku was in the shower.

xxxx

At 35 weeks, he broke. He’d been trying to eat a box of candy when his stomach turned over and he gagged into the trash can. A soothing hand rubbing on his back, combined with the heat spreading up his chest and pooling in his belly, was too much. He choked out a sob.

“Ryou?” Mariku’s eyes widened as Ryou buried his face in his chest, unable to fully hug him with his parasite-filled stomach in the way.

“It hur-hurts…” He sobbed, sure that Mariku could feel the movements. “I… I know I can do this, b-but…”

“Shhh, shh, it’s okay…” Mariku’s tone switched from soothing to heavy with fury. “As soon as they come to collect the thing, I’m ripping their heads off.”

“No, they’ll… they’ll send you back.” Ryou gripped desperately at the other’s shirt. “I’m going through all this shit for you, you… you better appreciate it.” He gritted his teeth at another writhing scratch. “Any bigger and it’ll rip me… it'll rip me open. It’s got to come out soon.”

“It damn well better.” Mariku pressed a kiss to Ryou’s lips. “You brought me back to this world, and I don’t want to live in it without you.”

xxxx

His water broke at the end of 36 weeks when he was snuggled up with a blanket on the couch. The movements had grown so bad that he didn’t even notice contractions starting for the first few hours, hadn’t told Mariku to stay home. They’d gotten low on food, so Mariku sworn he’d only be gone an hour.

As soon as the pain started proper, Ryou didn’t know how he’d missed it. His hips were being slammed with jackhammers and he arched up, biting into a pillow to fight back a scream. If he started screaming, he’d never stop. He tugged at his shorts, legs already starting to cramp up, and dropped them on the ground, curling up.

Breathe. Breathe. Try and spread his legs. The contractions were harsh but had about ten minutes between them. He regretted not giving Mariku a phone, now at the whim of when he’d return with the damn groceries, and Ryou hugged the pillow like it was a lifeline.

By the time the door creaked open, forty-five minutes after the water broke, his face was smeared with tears and dark fluid was leaking unto the couch cushions. He couldn’t tell if it was blood or just something that resembled it, and at this point he didn’t care.

Mariku dropped the bags, rushing forward. “Oh shit, oh shit, it’s time already?” Ryou nodded mutely, hugging the pillow tighter as another contraction shot through him, and a pained whine hissed past his lips. “Okay, fuck, just… try and breathe.”

They’d agreed no hospitals. The demon was probably coming to get the thing as soon as it was born, and they’d have more questions to answer than either was ready to deal with. Still, Ryou sorely wished they’d been able to do more than just look up ‘what should happen during birth’ on the internet. Mariku looked down between his legs, and gently pressed at the widening entrance. Ryou grunted. “Dun’ touch it.”

“It looks pretty well spread, you should… probably start pushing.”

“I just want it ou-ghhhh!” Ryou squeezed his eyes shut, the urge to push down strong enough that he obeyed, pressure shoving downwards as he started feeling movement.

“That’s it, just… just keep doing that.” Mariku had one hand on his knee and the other one his opposite thigh and Ryou tried to focus on his worried face instead of the agony currently ripping his stomach and hips apart. He really hoped the demon had widened his hips enough for a somewhat non-agonizing birth, but from the way they felt like someone was knocking mallets on the inside of the bone, he doubted it.

Another contraction and he gasped, feeling the movements shift sharply and start moving downwards, bit by bit.

Mariku offered his hand and Ryou gripped it so tightly that he ended up carving crescents into skin, blood oozing around his fingers. He tried to breathe evenly, but his head spun, his stomach twisted, and his vision swirled with both pain and sweat dripping down his forehead. The contractions shortened to only a few minutes between them and he pushed at every one, but progress was slow, sometimes even stopping entirely.

The clock ticked an hour, then two. Mariku had moved back down to Ryou’s legs, trying to watch progress, as Ryou was starting to feel like a ragdoll stuffed with dead batteries.

“The head’s starting to come out!”

Ryou gritted his teeth and forced his last dregs of energy into continuing to push, feeling the thing starting to slide through his entrance. “Ffffffuck!”

“The head’s almost out, one more push- damn, this thing has little horns- just keep going!” Mariku encouraged. “You’re almost done with the hard part!”

“Easy for you to say!” Ryou snapped, nerves a fried electrical outlet. He groaned, giving a hard internal shove, and heard a sickening, slimy ‘pop!’ as the head was fully pushed out. He hissed as Mariku brushed the lips of his entrance as he started gently brushing the baby off.

“One more push and that’s all of it.”

Ryou took a long breath, bracing himself for the next contraction and gripping the ruined fabric of his pillow that he’d ripped up during the process. When it rocked through him, he bore down and gasped in relief as he could feel the rest of the body exit.

Mariku immediately set the thing down and brushed hands covered in birthing fluid and blood across Ryou’s face. “You’re still alive. Please say you’re-“

“I’m alive.” Ryou coughed, but smiled weakly, swaying. Mariku pulled him into a hug, but he gasped, stomach still very sore, and Mariku pulled back with stumbled apologies. Ryou felt one last contraction and gasped, pushing again, before feeling something slick slide out- the placenta, most likely.

There was a wailing noise, and Mariku scooted back down to look at the thing. It gripped up at nothing with dark eyes and clawed hands, and when its tail swayed through the air, Mariku’s thumb was cut by the sharp end. He winced. “I can’t imagine having to carry that thing.”

“Guess I am the…” Ryou swallowed, breathing still not quite coming in right, “The strong one, then.”

A cloud of smoke swirled into existence, and Mariku gripped Ryou’s shoulders protectively as they were faced with the demon that had made the deal.

“Oh, aren’t they precious?” It picked up its spawn, cooing. “You did well. Some of the hosts die from shock afterwards.”

Mariku growled. “Never touch him again.”

“Oh, I never touched him in the first place. Magic insemination makes it nice and easy if you’re not an incubus, you know. Less messy.” He turned to face Ryou, who was currently trying to muster up the energy to glare but not really making it. “As for you, don’t worry. I don’t care about you enough to enact some cherry-on-top trick like some demons might. I’ll even give you a present- you can keep the organs, if you ever want to have something with your sweetheart there.”

Ryou gritted his teeth. “Thank you.” His body was wet cement and he wanted to sleep for a year.

The demon gave a finger-waggling wave before disappearing, leaving scorch marks on the carpet. True to its word, the fire that had accompanied the ‘gift’ of birthing organs didn’t appear again. Ryou couldn’t summon up the energy to care. His hips hurt, his stomach hurt, his very existence was a rubbed-sore bruise, and when Mariku gingerly picked him up to carry him to bed, he nuzzled into the scarred chest and drifted off to a dreamless sleep.