#i just want my brain to shut the fuck Up. adhd meds need to be next on the agenda..

[stabyou]

i tried to smoke weed for the first time since getting medicated and it almost immediately made me start to feel anxious and my head was filled with psychotic thoughts + urges to hurt myself. so uh yeah im good on that for like forever i think

[hypokeimena]

oh op of that post is also like, you should be ashamed if you think sexy stuff is fun to read and you like to read it. bye.

[milo-is-rambling]

Omg yesterday at my moms therapy I said how well I had been doing and feeling like I can actually handle life and my mom was immediately like “that’s because you’ve been taking your meds regularly again” and like completely brushed off any progress I had actually made and I had to be like yeah totally that’s it that’s why exactly when I haven’t taken my meds for a week straight in idk how long

[dex-starr]

I think what I’m getting beyond annoyed at is I’ve been telling everyone that my brain has been having a harder time than normal, especially within the last three to four years with specific things but people didn’t really believe me on it. I’ve just been called lazy, unmotivated, someone who wants to stagnate when I’m literally fighting against that internally. The fights so hard that I’ve just been exhausted all the time, I started to notice a sharp decline in what I could get done what I found think of. I only started to do things that kept my mind busy, not that I enjoyed. I enjoyed the company that I had more while doing it, but I didn’t work to making that permanent and a reality. My brain just fought me on getting started so much because I was convinced I didn’t belong, I’m still partially prone to thinking I don’t belong anywhere and that I don’t have anything to offer except disappointment. It’s such a vicious fucking cycle and I just want help from a specific person but I know that is not possible too. So I just keep on telling everyone else to help and try to understand who is in my life but there’s a limit to what they can truly see me as — in terms of how I struggle and there’s also a limit to the things I can put them through with what I’m dealing with too. I don’t want to be burdening them but the nature of this disease in my brain does just that. I crave external responsibility but fight against it out of stubbornness. There is so much wrong with me that I just want to yell, I didn’t choose to be like this and noticing my symptoms more and more now is just so frustrating. I’m so sorry I put you through all this and I put you through what I’m going through,

I genuinely just wanted to keep things so simple and love you and make you happy but I feel like I make that/made that impossible too because of how I am.

[compassionatereminders]

Hi! I wanted to answer the anon who was asking about what ADHD meds do & don’t help with as someone who was late-diagnosed and started meds this year. However, the effect of ADHD meds and even experience of ADHD itself varies heavily from person to person, so do keep that in mind!

DO:

- Actually hearing and retaining what people are saying. I was never able to fully experience a college lecture without panic because of only hearing bits and bobs of the lecture, going in one ear and out the other. I can truly focus and actually respond to what people are saying in a single line of thought without desperately trying to stimulate myself as much as possible to maybe get 1/2 of the detail to stick in my brain.

- Time blindness!! At first starting meds it felt like the day went for 500 years. I felt so much slower and mentally calmer, and I was able to complete “simple” tasks in under 15-20 minutes that could normally take me up to 3 hours due to distractions.

- Memory! Off my meds I have an enormously hard time remembering anything I’m trying to accomplish. I bounce from task to task without ever finishing it. On meds I’m able to think “I need to do laundry” and I just. Do the fucking laundry. It’s magical and I’ve cried more than once thinking about how much I’ve spent my life thinking I’m stupid or lazy for not being able to “just do the thing” like everyone else.

- Shutting down/fearful procrastination— I would be stuck doing nothing for days and days because I would want to do a task so badly but overly think about it and essentially paralyze myself in the decision making/getting started process. When I’m on my meds I can just do the fucking thing! Even if I don’t really feel like it! When before I practically had to have the exact perfect circumstance and could never create them, I can just plop myself somewhere and do the fucking thing. Just like I’ve been told all my life— “Even if you don’t want to, do it anyways” except now I have the actual ability to do that like everyone else. Before it was like everyone else was telling me to turn on a light, but I had no switch.

DON’T:

- Help with hyperfixation. Sometimes I can fixate even worse when I’m on my meds, just because my mind is so single stream that I’m able to do things for even more excessive periods. I burn myself out accidentally a lot quicker if I don’t provide myself with manual distractions to take breaks from daily/academic tasks.

- Immediately fix you. It was hard to start meds because I had to unlearn a lot of habits I had developed to cope with my undiagnosed ADHD— such as constantly moving, stimulating myself, having candy, etc. Just because the day became longer didn’t mean my time management became awesome either. I’m still working on tools that help ADHD with my meds!

- Not really a don’t but more so an unexpected side effect was becoming very intensely angry or upset when the medicine wears off. I struggle with emotional dysfunction already but the anger was so severe and I didn’t know that ADHD meds wearing off can cause that.

- Work 100% all of the time. Some days things like stress, poor sleep, poor diet, etc, can alter the way the same dose of meds works for you. Especially if you are nicotine dependent or a regular caffeine consumer, the way your meds work can change on a day by day basis. Some days I feel like the meds aren’t working at all, but more often than not there’s still a difference between myself being unmedicated and medicated.

- Instantly make you better at studying/task completion. Apparently having ADHD for years made me so extremely avoidant of many things that I just don’t have the skill set to do them well yet. Like studying, for example. I still struggle with extreme perfectionism that impedes me outside of ADHD paralysis.

- I’m gonna say it twice but they DONT FIX YOU ON THEIR OWN. Yes, they make your life fucking way better than before especially if you’re an adult with undiagnosed ADHD, but you have to learn how to use tools and learn skills to support yourself for the medication to help you to the max capability! I will definitely say that being on meds helped overhaul my mindset when I’m off meds and improved my perception of myself, but again, the meds can only get me so far!

I hope this helped anon!!!

Thank you for taking the time to share this! I hope anon sees it 💕

[ticklish-touch]

Alright. I have a confession to make. I've been wanting to talk about this for a while, but it is another big reason that my Backrooms story is being delayed and why I'm less active.

(TW for w*e*e*d mention/subst*nce use, as well as N*S*F*W themes).

Last year, I started taking cannabis edibles for the first time in my life. They're legal in my state, and I was just... So at the end of my rope with trying to find something, anything, that would help my anxiety and help my brain shut off or wander off at night to take my thoughts away from the mental & emotional trauma I've been through in the last year. I took advice from a couple friends who take edibles, I still catalogue my reactions to it like a fucking scientist to try and be careful not to let myself go too wild.

CBD and THC hybrid gummies have been a lifesaver for me. I feel so much more relaxed after work. I can fall asleep so much faster. I feel so pleasantly lucid, and I can imagine so much more to my music.

I've also found that Sativa, especially when not combined with my CBD gummies, sends my imagination into overdrive like I wouldn't believe. And at first, I LOVED it!! I thought "oh holy shit I can use this energy to write more, faster!"

Until I realized that along with my ideas, it also amplified my ADHD. My thoughts and ideas bounce around off of each other SO MUCH that I need to scramble to get them written on Google Docs. I become beyond existential when lost in thw sauce. And not in a bad way! I have actually been able to work through a LOT of emotional and mental baggage that I've been carrying, simply by dumping my philosophical ramblings and self-pep-talks/ self-criticisms on Docs. And that's why, in spite of me not focusing as much on this big project, I feel like it's been important for me to get these thoughts out. They could be potential ideas for books, comics, short stories etc.

BUT needless to say, it is a reason that I can't stay focused on one chapter after another. I have four chapters left, and I keep bouncing back and forth between them. Because, spoiler, my last couple chapters are going to be as trippy as a drug trip. I'm gonna incorporate elements similar to Doctor Strange, Quantumania and Spiderverse.

But overall, I'm going to listen to my Muse, and strike while the iron's totally blitzed. 👍 I feel like, if I try to force myself to work on a chapter or drawing, I'll lose passion for it. It's not fizzling out, it's just on the backburner, collecting flavor and thoroughly cooking.

(N*S*F*W*): A slightly more... Embarrassing reason, is that, because I'm over-imaginative and horny on main, my libido also gets massively enhanced by edibles 50% of the time. So I end up dumping some of the naughtiest concepts I've ever had about my OCs or canon characters, or absolutely paralyzing myself with lee/switch moods by listening to songs, playing spooky games, watching videos with Ler vibes, that all activate my fear kink & tickle kink. And it's... A very good outlet. I may never share some of these writings, but it's helped me get over that last bit of shame I've carried with me ever since the first Tumblr purge and since the "ew kinky people r gross, tickling shouldn't be s3xual" uprising of SFW tickle blogs.

BUT ALL IN ALL, I do take CBD for legitimate anxiety reasons. My anxiety meds have not done shit since this January, when everything at work started going to hell. CBD relaxes my body and actually helps me fall asleep like nothing else ever has.

Meanwhile being on sativa and caffeine can keep me up til 6 in the morning. Like right now as I'm writing this. 😃 But again, it gets the huge dam of thoughts to break and flow freely.

So yeah. Weed has been better therapy for me than actual therapy. For thirty fucking years of my life, I have been desperate to find some kind of coping mechanism, or outlet, or medicine, to help my disorders. And these edibles, along with my antidepressant and creative mind, have worked together pretty damn nicely. And I can now say along with MANY of my friends and peers, fuck anyone who says that medical marijuana should not be legal. Hell, imo recreational weed should also be legal just about everywhere in certain doses, but I'm not gonna get into politics.

I understand if you don't personally approve of the use of recreational drugs. But please, if you're going to judge me, or anyone who uses weed to help calm their mental issues, kindly keep it to yourself. I don't want another situation where an abusive fuckhead tried to mock a friend of mine for smoking pot. Or a dude on a server I'm modding getting childishly preachy about how everyone who uses it will end up fucked in the head and that proper diet and exercise is the cure-all for mental issues.

I'm a grown adult, I know my limits. Sometimes I slip a little and take them 4 nights in a row. Other times I take them maybe twice a week. But I know myself well enough to know that when I set a boundary for myself, I'm fucking stubborn about not breaking it. IF I feel myself slipping, I will reach out for legit help. I also know I can't blow too much money on eddies each month. But I need yall to understand that I've needed this.

TL;DR: I've been taking cannabis edibles and it's helping redirect my mind into places that I didn't realize I needed to explore, and it's been very helpful to me physically and emotionally, so I'd rather go with the flow and not force myself to work on my projects.

So, either way, if you've read this, thank you so much for sticking around. ❤

[griffsursparker]

really really not doing so well but i feel like i can't keep spamming my friends with my every little crisis because i don't want to be annoying. but i don't know i just. like i'm finally starting to make some friends at my new school, but i miss being friends with the people i live with. because it helps so much to just be able to make day-to-day things social. and that's not the whole probelm by any means but i just. i don't know. i'm a mess of anxiety lately (i mean always but it's been bad again) and i know i have things i need to do and on my adhd meds i am much more able to do them than i used to be. but not when the reason i'm not doing things is just debilitating levels of anxiety. which lately it has been a lot. and it's dumb and i hate my brain!! and i'm just sort of. overall in a fairly bad mental state but not nearly so bad that i need to reach out to the supports that are there for like. people in active crisis. because i'm not! like i'm fine! except that i feel like shit! but i'm not a danger to myself or anything. or even anywhere near as bad as my mental health has been in the past. but i keep not being able to get counseling because the system is dumb. and i feel so fucking annoying never shutting up ever to anyone i know. but god i just don't even know. i'm venting on fucking tumblr for fuck's sake i think that in and of itself is a pretty clear sign i am doing Not Good. i don't know what i'm saying i just want a hug

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Day three of Paxlovid, Bubby wanted to test and see if we're still positive for covid19. We are negative! Though I think it's just the med, and we may test positive after it wears off, but seeing negative did feel nice.

He got a bunch of tests for free from work. How? The place he works always has them on hand as is company policy, so giving him to boxes with 12 tests each wasn't a big issue. We'll be testing daily until probably next week.

I'm still feeling weird courtesy of covid19, like the room is rocking as though teeter tottering. It's not my ears. This is triggered simply by moving my eyes. Paxlovid isn't helping. I know a couple other epileptics have experienced this with covid19 and Paxlovid, so it's likely neurological. At the same time, it could ge the Ritalin I was taking (stopped when I started Paxlovid) was doing what over a dozen seizure meds I've used had done.

Meds like to release real quick in my system, which is why I use a extended release version of my seizure med. As one doctor put it, I have especially strong or concentrated stomach acid, which is why I was diagnosed with GERD. When my seizure meds were releasing too fast, they built up in my system, and weren't be processed fast enough. Every dose released more, building it higher and higher. This resulted in the med becoming toxic, a dose of activated charcoal so my liver wouldn't crash (and why I got my liver checked once a month on some meds) because apparently that's where the meds build up, and then I was without meds for a week for a full "cleaning house" situation. During that week, I was either booked in the hospital or never left alone at home. Ritalin may be doing the same seeing as it's designed to release quickly. I may need to switch to a different ADHD med, a slow release. This likely won't last the 12 hours most are designed for, and instead six to eight hours instead. My extended release seizure meds in the past did the same. Some of them I took more than once a day.

It's also why I can't be more than a two to three hour late for my next dose of my current med. After the second hour, I start having issues. When the end of the third hour hits, I either get my meds or a hospital visit.

Before anyone comes at me with "suggestions" or "advice" about my seizures or epilepsy: shut up. Not all epilepsy can be 100% controlled. Not everyone qualified for surgery nor implants. Not everything has the ending TV, films, and books consider happy. My epilepsy has 0% chance of 100% control. I have been on over 20 meds in 30 years, some of which are now blacklisted and illegal due to permanent side effects. My seizure threshold is fucking low, trigger by mood/state of mental health, fever/illness, hormones (i look forward to being postmenopausal), noise (not helped by autism), specific sounds (i don't know what they are, but when made it sets off a seizure), flashing/flicker lights (I haaaaaaate fireworks with a cold deep passion), food (celiac disease causes gluten to inflame my gut, resulting in my meds not being absorbed at all), and heat. The threshold is fucking low, meaning it takes little set off my seizures. My epilepsy is the number one reason I'm permanently Disabled and on SSDI. When I tried being part of the workforce, most of my time was spent fucked up from seizures. It nearly killed me. Ah, yes, epilepsy is terminal if not controlled. Every seizure is brain damage, every seizure a risk of SUDEP.

I feel weird, wonky, and physical unbalanced. For those who haven't experienced med toxicity, it's like being drunk but so much worse.

[britcision]

There are also so many people who have both physical and mental disabilities that get erased when people want to make these comparisons

My ADHD isn’t better or worse than my crohns

I took the same meds for my depression and my arthritis, but only one got better

We all go into the same disability system that pays less than half of what the government determined was the bare minimum people needed to live during quarantine

And that system sucks for a reason

We all get the same eugenicist bullshit, they don’t care what kind of disability you have, they hate us all the same

And they’re the ones who win when we split things out into “physical” or “mental” disabilities and make us fight for resources

Your brain is a part of your physical body, like your lungs or your heart or your back, and it gets sick just the same

Eugenicists want to persuade you we’re different, that we can only help one or the other, because it gives them an excuse not to actually help any of us

And as always, it’s the people at the intersections who get extra screwed over

It’s easy to assume that other people must have it better than you, that they can’t understand the things you go through, because you’re the expert in your own experiences

But it’s just plain not true. Just like they don’t know how bad you have it, you don’t know what they’re going through, because you’re not them. And that’s okay, right up until someone tries to make it so only one of you can get help

I promise you, every single time you find yourself wanting to say something like “you’d care if it was x-group”… even if you don’t think it’s being harmful, you’re buying into the exact same problem

Because the shitty reality is… no. No they wouldn’t.

No, it isn’t easier when you have a physical disability, and people really don’t care more, even if you have a “visible” disability

Next time you go out on the town, look around at the number of buildings that have one or more steps up from the street. Narrow doorways, stairs without elevators, thin aisles, no cut outs from the road to sidewalk or no sidewalk at all and try to imagine how you’d bring a wheelchair through

No, you can’t boost it up over a single step. They’re big, they’re heavy, and they are insanely expensive to repair or replace if one careless accident breaks them, and they are essentially a part of the user’s body

That’s just the easiest, most visible example, but I promise it’s also just the tip of the iceberg. It’s not better or worse for any of us, because able society doesn’t want any of us here

Not unless we shut up, sit down, and never mention any of the accommodations we need

If we can fake being abled to the point where they can pretend we don’t exist, we can stay

Or we can stop playing the oppression olympics and accept that we should never have been in competition for resources at all

Every time you fall into that trap of comparison, that “oh I have it worse I need my aids more”, you’re fighting the wrong fight, and you’re hurting the people who should be your community, even if you are not intending to be harmful

There is so much stigma around disability, around who has it “bad enough” to deserve help

Accepting you have a mental illness is the same painful journey as accepting that you have a physical illness, and so many people don’t want to ask for help because they’re playing the opposite game:

“Oh, I don’t have it that bad. Other people have it so much worse than me, I can struggle through the day (ignoring their pain, the ways that struggle is seriously harming them) so I don’t deserve help”

So when you say “you’d care if it was a physical illness”, they’ll agree

They’re just physically sick, they don’t need help. They can’t buy a cane, someone else will need it and they can walk a little, even if it hurts with every step

Or they’re just depressed, they can force themselves out of bed so they don’t need to go waste a doctor’s time, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes

It’s a fucking trap, and we ALL deserve to have all the aids we need to live a happy and fulfilling life

There's a mistake I see a lot of people in the mental health community make and in all honesty, it's one I've made myself. But I think we should really work on it. And that's saying "if this were a physical illness, wouldn't you care?"

I've learned that no actually, people wouldn't care. Katelyn Weinstein (theADHDprincess on Twitter) is a neurodiversity acceptance activist who really put this in perspective for me. She said that it's actually more an issue of longevity than physical vs mental health.

If you're having a bad day people will generally be understanding. But when you're experiencing chronic depression and you have many bad days people lose sympathy.

In the same respect people may be understanding when you've broken a bone that will heal properly or when you have a cold that will go away soon in ways they simply won't understand when you have chronic pain or need to use a wheelchair. They may send chicken soup for a temporary situation, but when you need consistent accomodations it's an entirely different story.

I understand that from our perspective it looks like people care more about physical health than mental health, but it's good to remember that our own perspective is also limiting. Facing ableism doesn't mean you can't be ableist. And I know so many people are not ill-intentioned when they say this. I know I wasn't. But we can't discount the lived experiences of physically disabled people. If we want true equality we need to be united and we need to listen to those with physical disabilities and illnesses. And those with physical disabilities and illnesses (some of which are also invisible) have said that they are not given proper accomodations either.

So let's be united and fight for equality and accomodations for everyone, no matter what their illness or disability may be.

[alukewarmdefenceofapathy]

SPILLING MY HEART OUT FOR FUNSIES /j

tw/cw: mental health, menstruation and related issues, i dunno, 500 flavours of sad i guess.

i've had period problems ever since i first got mine when i was 10. i would not have a period for two months and then have a 15 day cycle the next month. i've lived with depression for as long as i can remember, even back when i didn't know it had a name. today i either can't sleep for 36 hours or won't wake up for 14 hours straight. i haven't had a period in six months and it's like i can feel the buildup inside me. if my period does start up again i will bleed so much for so long that i'll need transfusions of blood and iron. doctors might give me meds but once the course is done, rinse and fucking repeat. been plagued with crippling lower back pain recently because of course. i don't even think to mention my chronic migraines and other kinds of pain anymore if someone asks. been diagnosed with everything from garden variety depression and anxiety to borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia but nobody will take me seriously when i say i think i might have adhd. gynaecologists and ultrasound techs literally laugh at me when i tell them about my mental health struggles, psychiatrists tell me to "just do it" basically. and sometimes to eat almonds. both tell me that losing weight is the solution. i feel like smashing my head against the wall and using the kitchen knife to give myself a diy hysterectomy is the only thing that might help at this point. i've tried to kill myself 3 times in my life, and i don't know what to do anymore. it's like i'm screaming into a vacuum and the pressure pockets are making my skull cave in, but the process never actually finishes. i was an anthropology major but dropped out almost at the end of my last year because of the crippling and i mean crippling executive dysfunction that stopped me from being able to complete my final thesis. i used to dream of a career in academia. i used to think i would be able to get out from under my parents roof. i used to think my parents weren't bad people. but then again i used to believe i could have a future if i worked hard enough too.

i don't know how i'm supposed to keep doing this. i cannot comprehend for the life of me how i'm supposed to keep going. i'm 26 and have never had sex or a romantic relationship, nor have i ever particularly wanted one. but i also feel so alone. i hover my thumbs over my phone keyboard but no longer want to bother my friends with my predicaments and so no longer press send on those texts anymore. they have lives and jobs and marriages now, i just have a brain that won't shut up. if i tell someone that i think my uterus et al are messing up my mental state even more, that it's a viscous cycle - i can't bring myself to want to live but when i seek help they say the only solution is going to the gym and exercising which is something i am no longer capable of, nobody believes me. i doubt they even hear me at all. but an unmarried woman who hasn't had kids yet and no notable predisposition to cancer wanting a hysterectomy? that's bonkers. genuine question: why did we decide that mental health and physical health are such alien concepts when compared to one another? does the mental stuff not happen in the brain? and is the brain not part of the body?

i feel helpless and sad and pathetic. and then i hate myself for being so adamant about feeling so sorry for myself. and then i feel like a narcissist for having such an abdominable level of self-loathing. and when i remember that trying to kill myself never actually ends in my favour, apparently i spill my guts out to strangers on the internet. to what end, i still haven't figured out. being the perfect child did not spare me from the fate of eventually becoming an utter disappointment, a shameful burden, only fodder for gossip among extended family.

feels like i died somewhere between then and now. where i currently am is the 7 minutes of "your entire life flashing before your eyes" before the brain really dies. except it's dragging on for way too long. my mind is still half awake, imagination gears still churning, dishing out all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens in double time. i am being haunted by my own ghost before i even got the chance to truly take my leave. this feels like a single very long sleep paralysis episode. it must be either that or being in limbo in purgatory. and i can't prove any of those not true. i want it to end. i desperately need it to end, whatever "it" is. because it ain't life. this is not living. i am no longer alive and that is the only thing i know anymore.

[viscerasmoothie]

NOTICE: THIS IS BEING UNPINNED AS OF 2024/10/8 BECAUSE IM QUITTING TUMBLR

\\ Pinned Post 2: Electric Boogaloo //

\\ Names/Nicknames/Whatever: Viscera, Viscera Smoothie, Chris //

\\ Date of Womb Evacuation: 2010/09/17 //

\\ Main Interests: TF2, FNaF (My shitty au specifically), psychology, human biology, other shit related to the previous two //

\\ Side interests and Former Interests: Ace Attorney (Former ~2021-2023), MLP Creepypasta (Former, ~2017-2018?), Yandere Sim (Former, ~2017-2019?), Gravity Falls (Side), analog horror (Side), tech restoration (I blame Wade from Dankpods and Bringus Studios for this, Side), religions and cults (Side) //

\\ YouTubers I Watch Frequently/Consistently: Dankpods/Garbage Time/The Drum Thing, Emkay, Bringus Studios, Kwite, planet clue, RTGame, ManlyBadassHero, The Click //

\\ I don't even know what to title this so uhhh here's some shit I believe:

People with personality disorders (Specifically Cluster B) aren't all complete garbage (Narc Abuse isn't real)

People faking disorders and shit shouldn't be harassed because there's absolutely something below the surface (Pro endo, pro recovery(is that fitting?))

Also harassment is bad in general (Anti-harassment, self explanatory)

The human brain is a pile of electric meat that we don't really understand shit about (Pro endo, pro good faith identities, shit like that y'know)

Glorifying abuse and shit is bad (NOT antiship OR proship, there's a shit ton of nuance here)

People hating children for no fucking reason is bad (I hate to break it to ya but turning 18 doesn't make someone automatically not annoying so uhhh yeah)

Trans people aren't inherently bad (Also I'm literally trans myself so)

\\ TW for shit under the cut: medical shit, mental health shit, drugs, suicide, etc //

\\ Shit I suffer from:

Depression (Dx, taking Zoloft for it)

Anxiety (Dx, not taking meds specifically for it but the previous probably covers this as well)

ADHD (Dx, used to take Adderall but the hyperactivity part fucking died so no more meds)

Autism (Dx, probably need a lobotomy /s)

Anhedonia (Symptom of depression, this shit is eating me alive because there's spurts of joy from shit but mostly I just feel numb all the time)

Something related to sleep maybe (Idk my circadian rhythm is fucked, I can sleep for 12 hours and still feel like I've been put through seven different steamrollers and the only thing keeping me from going right back to my pseudo coma is my eyes refusing to stay shut)

Walking and gait/posture shit (Literally the only way I could walk for like 9 years was through toe walking, and it got so fucking bad that when I tried to put my feet flat on the floor I'd start falling backwards, got surgery to lengthen my Achilles tendon, and now I have lower back pain, foot pain and my knees feel like they're locking up after a while even though I can still bend them, and there's probably more lol)

Chronic pain (Again, lower back and foot pain, pain in my limbs that feels like it's in the bone, headaches almost everyday and I know my reports say otherwise but it's still a daily thing I'm just stupid and forget to go the school nurse for my meds, also I chug liquid Tylenol like it's from the fountain of youth and I get finger joint paint and the bone and joint pain I try to relieve by cracking my joints but it either doesn't do shit or makes it worse)

Fatigue (Sleep issues already mentioned, my limbs sometimes feel tired and it's only the limbs, I'm in my bed like 90% of the time and idk how voluntary it is anymore)

\\ Family situation and friends:

Live with my 71 yr old grandma who's been my primary caretaker since shortly after I was born

Grandpa is alright (was a neglectful shithead towards his own kids though) but him and his current wife (Not my grandma) are transphobic but unknowingly affirm my name change because my grandma masked it as wanting to distance myself from my mom

Oldest uncle likely had bipolar 1 disorder (undiagnosed because neglectful dad and mental health stigma shit) who committed suicide on my mom's birthday/about a month after I was born

Currently living uncle is kinda anti-vax (he said that a coin stuck to his skin because COVID vax made him magnetic or something and if that were true people who work with screws would get a shit load of boosters) and not the best but there's absolutely worse so yeah

Mom likely has ASPD (also undiagnosed but idk my grandma reading the opening section of the Wikipedia article for ASPD and says it's literally her then I think that's pretty damn close but idk I'm dumb, also I don't hate people with ASPD I hate people who are garbage regardless of reason) and had (also likely still has) a drug addiction (heroin specifically). She found out she was pregnant because she got caught in a sting and purposefully swallowed 10 balloons of heroin and when they did an ultrasound to see if any were in her stomach/intestines/whatever there was a stupid dumb baby (me), and she did not stop doing heroin throughout the pregnancy. This led to me being born addicted to heroin and went through a withdrawal that notably consisted of a seizure minutes after being born, and when I was taken back to her room like right after being born and before the seizure she literally said "I don't want her*, give her* to mom." So uhhh yeah, also unsurprisingly she gave 0 shits about me and pawned off a Barbie airplane I got for Christmas 2017 for drug money (though being 7 fucking years old, I thought it was cigarette money because the place she was staying at had ash imbedded into the carpet)

My relationship with my cousin is weird, but the things of note are that he used to watch wrestling and would try to perform moves he saw on TV on me (he's 3 years older than me so he wasn't going to kill me or anything, but probably wasn't super pleasant), when I was 9 he was playing bitlife and wanted to act out the shit his character was doing and his character got someone pregnant and he wanted me to lie in his bed in front of him and I said no (he asked me a couple times and tried reassuring me that he wouldn't dry hump me but I was super uncomfy and at least he didn't actually force me to do it so that's good maybe), I'm pretty sure he either put a pillow on my ass and slapped the pillow repeatedly or he slapped my ass with the pillow repeatedly (either way I was laying on the floor), he flashed me at least once after he took a shower because he covered the trampoline in soap and asked me if I saw his dick and I refused to answer because I just wanted to play with his Mario chess set (did not use that shit for chess, I was a dumb kid rping with chess pieces lol), and he showed me his dick on the trampoline. I'm probably slandering him by only saying that kinda shit about him but idk we don't talk much anymore so yeah

No clue who my dad is and it's not the guy I got my last name from (if you know me irl you'd know that my grandma's last name and mine are different and it's not because she's married), I have a hunch though

Rex was the guy who I thought was my dad for a while, he was roped into drug addiction by my mom but he did infact give a shit about me (though he was better suited as the fun uncle than a dad but I'll take what I can get), he would take me with my mom to "the corner store" which was probably a dollar tree/general/family and but me mike and ikes and now n laters while my mom would buy cigarettes for both of them

Susan, Rex's mom, used to try and spoil me because she actually had money (I love being poor /s) and she bought me the Barbie airplane from earlier and an entire Barbie dream house but she let my mom (and maybe Rex idk) mooch off of her and she got evicted from her apartment (the one with the ruined carpet, that shit would stain my feet when I walked on it), so she moved in with her dad and had to offload her old cat Spazzy to us because cats weren't allowed there I think so that happened but before she got evicted she would let me stay up when I stayed the night at her house and I'd watch adult swim and robot chicken gave me nightmares I think and I wanna watch that one show that was probably written by someone with 10 bongs in their mouth (which probably doesn't narrow the list down at all)

My best friend I met at a preschool that was also a church and I literally just went up to them and asked "wanna be friends" and they said yes and their life has probably changed for the worse because of me so yeah, their brother has autism so they probably do too but their parents haven't gotten them tested soo but they used to take my shopkins beanie from me (it was playful, id run after them and I'd get it back) and so I did that with their pink beanie back for a while and there was this thing where they'd act like my robot and I could command them to do shit and they'd give me stupid error messages (god recalling this shit makes me miss being a stupid idiot child) and it was super fun I think and gay and then in 6th grade I had like no classes with them until I got the surgery then I had 2 including ela and then in 7th grade we had a couple of classes and this year we literally have 0 other than lunch and if I have a dollar for everytime the school I was going to had a different principal come in because the last one was upgrading their position in the school district in the last year that I was going there and made me have no classes with my friends id have 2 bucks and 5th grade sucked kinda because of that

Sailor (who I'm name dropping because istg if you don't use Tumblr by now then what are you doing with your life) was someone who I shared classes with for a little while, we went separate ways in like 3rd and 4th grade and then in 5th grade the school therapist mentioned them to me bjt they changed their name so I was confused and then she invited us to lunch in her room and there was this "YOURE TRANS TOO???" moment we both had and then we reconnected and then 6th grade was kinda a disaster but we still had each other then they got accepted into an alternative school so we lost contact in 7th grade and then we reconnected at pride this year and we played ponytown together for like 5 minutes (which lead to me finding a really cool lavender infection rp and I ended up adding the person who started it on discord) and we went to the gay youth center thing together this year as well and I've sent them stupid TF2 shit and I think they're a system now which is cool I think idk I'm a singlet lol

There's this other friend who I know I had history prior to 6th grade but we really only reconnected in 6th grade because we had a tech class together and during a 7th grade field trip to the zoo I got their phone number and also sent them stupid TF2 shit and I see them sometimes in the hallway because both of us use the elevator at school so uhh yeah also they're a little hard to understand but I'm also stupid so that might be why (I'm not trying to be a dick my brain just needs a minute to process what they say I'm sorry)

Yeah there's probably more but I'm lazy and need to go to sleep also can you tell that I got lazy here anyways uhh gay gay homosexual gay you stupid gay bitch /pos /lh

[yourl0cal1ncorporealb3ing]

TW VENT AT SOME PARTS

(ALSO NONE OF THIS PROOF READ SO IT MAY NOT BE LEGIABLE I just wroet this and i already forgot half the stuff i wrote)

y'know the mix of horrid chronic fatigue and insatiable numbness and the dissociation just makes me feel like I missing out on life, I yearn to go outside, to go play, to have fun, just run around but I cant. I sit in my room on tumblr or youtube wasting the day away wishing I did something more productive. I feel like a husk of person I feel like Im in a movie theater alone watching the most boring movie ive ever seen, I feel lonely while also being too socially drained to watch and respond the the video my friend sent me. Not to mention when my parents used to fight, my moms road rage/anger issues, it caused me to fucking terrifed of conflict so sometimes I minimize my needs when around other people and constantly asking about things and if im doing it right but also worrying if im annoying them with all my questions because my grandma has gotton mad at me for that before i think either that or it was me asking why she loved my cousin more than me because she yelled and fought with my dad because i wouldnt give my cousin my fukcing chicken nuggets my dad bought for me like fuck you i mean im sorry grandma

The anxiety and hyperactivity of my ADHD spikes up at night so either i got to sleep and wake up in 13 hours or I can stay up till 4am, go to sleep and wake 13 hours (Just feeling a lot worse). Im literally shaking as I write this and i can tell if im just so fucking restless even if im fucking tired (its 3:38am) or anxiety or the entire kiwi strawberry monster I just drank Its ok im drinking water a lot of it i just need to get my thoughts out of my head because its like a thousond of the dvd bouncing tv screen in my head rn idk if its getting better idk if im gonna post this too maybe idk any ways im shaking oh btw i might have non-diabetic hypoglycemia and i have to get a bunch shots next week and I really hate the doctors it always makes me really scared and uncomfy n shit and idk why damn im shaking a lot. I almost freaked out bc i cant find my charger and my tablet almost died but i have another one ive been using so i just used that but i want to know where my charger went :(

istg ive been eating fucking pasta for the lat 3 weeks and i hate it i hate it i hate it HATE it every. fucking. meal. I cant. I have comfort foods I like and its mostly carby food like pasta so i eat pasta alot but since our oven stopped workin its all i know i can make that easy and i laike it but i secretly dread it so i have been eating a lot of candy to keep my brain happy but im not i should be happy ive been hanging with my frinds and its summr break but im just numb, i always am, yk the year I just finished? yeah for the majority of the i was fighting autopilot mode and disassociation but i was constantly in it i dont think i cant handle going to high school this year i think i might act pass out from exhaustion I barely survived middle school Im not okay i need something meds? idk I should not be this messed up i mean my family is great (yk...apart from the fighting which isnt that common anymore and moms anger issues) but theu love me so whats the problem? school school why is it so unoccomidating to neurodivergents same with ppl with social anxiety like i have had MULTIPLE bad panic attcks in class cause i had to do smthin in front of the class I fukcing hate the school system fuckfukcufkyoiuu school fuck the emercian school system FUCKYOUUUUUUUUU

Im too conflict avoident I cant

the afternoon feels so tiring in a stuffy way if that maks and sense i need to treat my FUCKING adhd already i can have music playing at all times thats not a good long term strategy to shut up my brain i mean ffuck i have music on rn and you can see my insane ramblings

anyyways I kinda think im a daave fiction kin (like DSAF) but im 90% sure im just and otherlinker and I just want to feel speacial or some shit but whos know i have the worst imposter syndrome known to man (I have almost every symptom of Cfs and my friend has asked if i have it but nahhh i defs dont) but also i had a weird experience once. I was like listen (its getting hard to type with the shakiness :0) ing to 2 dave and henry playlists and i kept listening to the henry one and I was in the car and i was falling and out of sleep when i saw like flash of dave but it didnt look like cannon dave he looked different he was mush more blue and he was leaning against a wall with messy longish hair and he had a hat and scars all over him and he had a purple buttoned shit that was fulled buttoned up and the perspective i saw was like a photo someone had taken and he seemed just chilling perhaps talking to jack? idfk but yeah theres my weird experience like the best way i can explain this feeling towards dave is "Idkk if i was you but probably mightve at some point like most likely at some point"

i hope i sound legiable (if i do post this AND someone actually reads this all) it is 4:08am and I feel too many things once i probably will sleep at 5 or 6 anyways byebye

[1v1-me-irl]

I genuinely loathe being fucking aware of my own mental state sometimes

Every once in a while the bipolar smacks me with an episode and it’s so frustrating. I’ll be sitting there, fine as fuck, suddenly I’m a little sad or irritated over??? Quite Literally Nothing At All?!?

And then I’ll analyze, trying to figure out if it’s really because of nothing or if I’m ignoring something so I start to think about all the little things that caused me a slight bother through out the week, that I handled just fine at the time. A comment that stung just a *little* more than intended. Not calling my doctor and allowing myself to run out of my ADHD meds for a few days. Not adapting well enough to a sudden shift in my plans. Allowing it to mess me up for days on end. Fuck, that’s been happening more lately hasn’t it? What’s wrong with me, why do I feel like this?

That flash of a feeling I had this week? Of what, exactly, who knows. I mean, I think I might. But the word I find myself wanting to say isn’t exactly enough to describe all of the complexities and nuance I could fit into whatever *that* was and that if I used it, I feel like it would minimize the experience. Either way, it’s stupid, really. No matter what name you call it.

I wish I di-

“Hey, what’s up?”

Oh. Great. I’ve been auto responding haven’t I? Fuck me.

“Oh. I’m just kinda sad. I don’t really have a reason.”

“Wanna talk to me about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” And I feel the scoff come out at the end, the irritability plain as day in my voice. Something vile inside me full on laughs as I spit those words.

And immediately the guilt crashes over. It’s not you, you’re trying to help, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I always do this?

“I’m not mad at you, you didn’t do anything,” I feel my mouth say, still angrily. Good job.

I’m spiraling, aren’t I?

Like nothing should be this deep right now, but it feels like I’m getting swallowed whole. I’m probably just stuck in black and white thinking. I’m over analyzing, that’s probably what got me here in the first place.

I need to stop doing that. Like this is just objectively stupid.

I should joke about this on tumblr. But how do I phrase it??? And as I start typing, and backspacing, and retyping, I find I’m just letting go, getting calmer. Laughing a little at the irony that 5 minutes ago I was thinking maybe I over think too much and that’s what got me in a hole and now overthinking it got me out, the human brain is so weird. It’s fascin-

“I wanna cuddle”, I hear him say

A flash of irritation, he barely got to finish his sentence before that little voice was back in my head, pointedly responding with “I want you to shut the fuck and leave me alone.” Immediate guilt and choking down tears again.

“I don’t really want to cuddle right now.” Is the only thing I can bring myself to say. Why couldn’t you have just gone to work?

And now I’m just fucking in pieces from emotional whiplash and I can tell I’m having an episode but I literally can not just tell my brain “hey, stop, we’re being ridiculous and like a lot of this is really unfounded.” But that’s just not how it works? Despite me *knowing* this to be true???

I’m just tired.

[angel-dust-addict]

//God, today is such a fucking ADHD day. Can we just not, brain? Please? I cannot focus long enough to watch a thirty minute video all the way through without stopping it forty-seven times, but also I spent three fucking hours writing about social and political issues in Cuba and Latin America as examined in songs sung in a language I only sort of speak. (And I'm still salty about that, because I could have learned it alongside English, but noooooo. Just the fact that I'm distracted enough to actually be salty about that for more than five seconds at a time is proof I'm having an off day.) Three fucking hours. I had cats walking on me angrily because it was past dinner time and it didn't even register. But when I attempt to summon up some of that ridiculous focus to do replies? No. Nada. I have muse for like three things right now anyway, and they're all on Angel and my six fucking sideblogs are just being neglected as fuck. I've also been meaning to go get my laundry out of the washer and into the dryer for two hours now and have not done it yet because ~*~*~executive dysfunction~*~*~. Literally I'm sitting here going, "I'm bored as fuck and have a task I need to complete that will at least be something to do besides staring at the blank page on my NaNo project." And then I don't do the thing. And I've just read back through this post and realized this is the epitome of "adult with unmedicated ADHD." Good god, I should just go to bed and try again tomorrow. Unfortunately, the executive dysfunction is also making getting ready for bed a thing that's not happening at the moment.

[weightofdreamz]

Exhale | j.t.k |

summary; As finals got closer, the more you started to shut everyone out and focused on studying. Day and night, ignoring everyone even Jake. When your best friend shows up at your door unannounced, he truly finds out why you’ve been ignoring him for weeks.

word count 1k+

warnings |Stress, hurt/comfort, Jake being the best, fluff

Also, i did not proofread this before posting so if there are any mistakes my apologies!

College AU

taglist: @jakeytkiszka @gretavanflowerpower @gvfrry join here-> join my taglist

Master list

Enjoy! :)

-inhale

All throughout elementary, middle, and high school you were an A student. You understood what you learned, and it was all easy for you. But now here you were, locked up in your room studying for a class you needed to take. You had no interest in it, and honestly you barely knew what you were reading. THAT was the problem.

You had stopped understanding what you were doing the second week of class, but you couldn’t ask for help. You can’t let others know that you’re struggling. You’ve never needed help because it’s always been easy for you, your brain was able to process everything when you were younger. Maybe it’s because you’re off your ADHD meds, or maybe it’s just because life can’t always be easy. But lord knows that if you ask for help, you’re admitting defeat. And you can’t do that.

Finals week was coming up fast, Jake knew that, but this year his classes weren’t as difficult as yours were so he had a lot more downtime. But whenever he’s try to hang out with you, you were always busy, always had an excuse. Hell, Jake hasn’t seen you since Sammy’s birthday party. WEEKS ago.

You looked at your phone

4 missed calls

13 new messages

You knew who it was without having to unlock your phone, Jake was a distraction you thought. You recently started developing feelings for the boy who had put worms in your boots when you were little. You couldn’t ask him for help either, not wanting to be a burden. So instead, you toss your phone into the other corner of your room and get back to whatever the hell it is you’re trying to study.

“What the fuck, why isn’t she answering me?” Jake exclaimed to no one in particular, as he sat on the couch in his living room. “I don’t know man, go over to her dorm and ask her or something. But for the love of god PLEASE quite pouting.” Josh whined as he passed Jake on the couch, thunking him on the side of the head as he heads to the fridge. “I don’t want to bother her. She’s probably just studying for finals. I don’t want to be in her way or anything,” Jake frowned at the thought of you struggling all by yourself. “Jake, go to her. I understand where you’re coming from, but if she really is struggling then you should go help her. Just don’t let it slip that you’ve been in love with her for years, then your fucked.” Josh sighed as he opened a random can on beer they had in the fridge, leftover from Sams party. “Fine, but if she gets angry at me, it’s gonna be your fault.” Jake huffed as he pulled on his jacket and headed for your dorm.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

You weren’t expecting anyone, so you chose to ignore it. Maybe someone got the wrong dorm number.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Nope, someone’s definitely trying to see you. As the knocking grew more frequent you pulled yourself up and out of your chair. Looking in the mirror to find a ghost staring back at you, your hair had been messy, your clothes smelled awful, it was like you were a walking corpse. Your eyebags could have eyebags of their own. Who could possibly want to come and see me?

As you opened the door, you were met with the warm eyes of the man you hold dearest, but once he took in your current state those warm eyes went wide, shocked at how tired and stressed you looked.

“Hey Jake! What brings you around these parts?” you joked, hoping he wouldn’t see past your fake smile.

“Holy shit y/n, what happened to you?” Jake said as he engulfed you in a hug.

You sunk into the strong hold of the man who had stolen your heart. You suddenly felt all of the weight on your shoulders disappear as you sobbed into his chest. You had kept your tears at bay while you were studying, but now you realized how bad you truly were feeling.

“Shit I probably smell horrible, im sor-” Jake hugged you tighter, bringing you both out of the doorway, shut the door with his foot, and led you both to your loveseat in your living room.

“y/n, is this because of finals? If you’re struggling you know you could just tell me? I’d do anything for you, anytime of the day.” Jake slightly pulled away to look you in your eyes, “Please let me know how I can help you? What is it that you’re struggling with?” Your, now red and puffy, eyes searched his for any sign of regret but all you could find was love and concern.

“It’s just my stupid psychology class. My professor sucks, and i’ve barely learned anything. He just has us read about what we need to know. Well, he does talk about stuff but, I just don’t understand it.”

“Have you asked him for extra help? Maybe some tutoring?” Jake had your hands in his now, rubbing circles across your knuckles while listening to your every word. You didn’t have to say any words for him to find the answer, the look on your face was enough to tell him.

“y/n, you have to ask for help if you don’t understand something. I understand it’s not easy but you shouldn’t have to struggle and fail. Asking for help doesn’t mean you can’t do something, you just need to get on the right track.” Jake whispered the last bit, making sure you were listening to him.

As you listened to his words, you realized maybe, just maybe you could actually pass this class, with a little encouragement from Jake and help from your professor.

“Now, you and I are going to get some snacks, get comfy on this couch and have a movie marathon, because you deserve a break y/n.” Jake said, getting up offering you his hand. You took it but then remembered you haven’t showered in a few days, “Let me go take a shower first and get changed if you don’t mind.” Jake smiled at you and gave you a kiss on the cheek, “Of course darling,”

If you weren’t blushing already, you sure as hell were now, darling? He’s never used that pet name on you. As you headed towards your room you heard him go into your kitchen, and when you turned around you saw him cleaning up your mess of dirty dishes and candy wrappers.

You then walked into your room, ready to spend the night cuddled up with the man who’s always willing to help. The man you love.

-exhale

Alrighty so this is the first fanfic i’ve ever published so please don’t be too hard on me 😭. I’m taking requests so if you want to suggest an idea do it!! Love you all<3 ~Kay

[rubberduckyrye]

To respect your fic and the spoilers, I will also put this under a readmore :D

Oooooh, I had a feeling it was ASPD or BPD. I know those disorders are often demonized to hell and back and I know a little bit about BPD due to osmosis and my own studying for when I was looking up to see if I had BPD and/or for my Kokichi's backstory with Kenzo, where he gets Kokichi diagnosed very early on as a child with BPD to further gaslight and control the people around Kokichi into believing he's acting out and all when he doesn't even HAVE actual BPD. I've heard horror stories of Autistic people being misdiagnosed with BPD and having the worst time with medical professionals because of it. I was even advised by MY OWN THERAPIST not to pursue the diagnosis because the treatment for BPD is CBT and having BPD on my profile would ruin my ability to get anything done.

I digress though!

I had no idea that ASPD involved chronic boredom like that--then again it seems like a lot of problematic behavioral symptoms of several mental disorders stem from boredom (Lord knows how Boredom from my ADHD has me going crazy--there's a reason why ADHDers are also known for being adrenaline junkies, I've heard stories of kids throwing things at their siblings just because they were so bored) really I'm starting to understand Junko more and mroe the more I realize how crippling boredom is as a feeling and I'm Scared of that xD

And I know how boredom can quickly lead to suicidal thoughts too.

My own boredom stints lead to self hatred and those horrible thoughts, and tbh my only reliable way to get rid of those feelings is to take a fucking Nap. Sometimes I need to take my anxiety meds to help me shut off my brain tbh like I have insanely rapid thoughts.

That's really valid of you not to respect the DSM tbh--I'm also frustrated with how people treat ADHD in how it disrupts others lives rather than how it affects the individual. As an OSDD system myself, I'm also not soo sure how I feel about cutting out the seperation of OSDD 1-a and OSDD 1-b because I actually find the differences to be helpful! I have OSDD 1-b, AKA I have distinguished Alters who are Not Me but I don't have huge blackouts. I actually often give Kokichi OSDD 1-a, him having multiple alters that are versions of himself but with blackouts. Yay for projecting your mental bullshit onto your faves! Still I'm Rambling I am Sorry

I honestly want to do more research on ASPD in general, but since it's one of the harshly stigmatized disorders, I'm going to guess there's a LOT of garbage on the internet about it. Mind telling me and my followers more, since you know way more about it than I suspect the random internet page I find via research will know?

Feel free to take the time to infodump about it here! I'm sure me and my followers would be happy to learn the full scope of the disorder from a lens that doesn't demonize it--ah, unless it's emotionally taxing to do so? I just noticed your tags nasjdjkdnask If it's too much to ask then feel free to just say as such, but I would love some reading material if you know any good ones.

@kindlyre

Okay I'm VERY curious as to what mental illness you're writing Rantaro to have because it seems to be one of those stigmatized ones and I'm v curious???