#i just wanna live like this i dont wanna go back getting education again

[koko2unite]

[depresssant]

Shades of Cool

NEGLECTFUL!PLATONIC!YAN!batfam x GN!reader

synopsis : growing up with a shit mom and constant step-dads and mom's boyfriends, your view on life has grown pretty bleak. you just want to die, since it doesn't seem to get better than this. things can't get any worse, can they?

wsp guys. it's been pretty long, huh?... OK IM SORRY FOR NOT POSTING IT QUICKLY. here, damn 🙄. anyways, i hope yall enjoy n im glad u guys liked the first chapter. lets just hope this one lives up to yalls expectations 😭. follow me and repost this if u want a chapter three. also I NEED SOMEONE TO EDUCATE ME ABOUT SUNDAY FROM HSR BC I WANNA WRITE FICS ABOUT HIM SO BAD SO PLS SOMEONE EDUCATE ME N ALSO IF U KNOW LOVE AND DEEP SPACE??? PLS HIT ME UP AND EXPLAIN THIS LORE BC I WANNA WRITE YANDERE FICS FOR THEM SO BAD

“Why are balls called balls when testicles sounds hella fancier?”

At your friend’s bizarre question, the face of your other friend, Zarian, twinges in disgust. “Jayelene… why do you feel the need to put that out there?”

You huff in amusement, focusing on your pizza before what Jaylene says ruins your entire mood.

“I’m just saying! Testicles just seems more appropriate⏤the type of fancy shit drake and his family would say.”

Tim Drake Wayne…

Dinner with him and his freak-a-zoid family was like trying to make it past no-man’s land without any help to shield you from the straight up chilling vibes they gave off with their constant comments about bat facts. Bats. The atmosphere during the entire time you spent there was dreadful and quite literally heavy since Tim's youngest little brother wanted to sneak stares at you as if you wouldn’t notice his bug-looking eyes creeping into your soul.

Rich people really are weird, huh?

The Wayne family is nothing like how you expected them to be. They’re supposed to be cold, mysterious, and irresistibly enchanting, but all you’ve got are creepy vibes and a strong urge to stay away from them as much as possible. From the way Mr. Wayne made that weird comment about your father in the limo to how forcibly happy Richard or “Dick” was with you, you’ve come to an understanding that rich people are complete lunatics.

The Wayne family is full of a bunch of lunatics.

And you’re not afraid to voice that.

“There you go again,” Jaylene sighs when she notices the irritated expression on your face. “It’s never that serious, [Name]. You just hate everyone.”

“No, you don't get it! They were creepy as hell! Like… Like bats in dark caves coming at you all at once. They talk funny, they look funny⏤they act funny! What normal man name drops your mother’s name after knowing each other for about thirty minutes?”

Zarian huffs in amusement. “That’s the creepy part. How does Mr. Wayne know your name?”

“I dont know.” You run your fingers through your hair and lean back against the booth seat. “I don't want anything to do with them. Billionaire or not, how the hell does he know my mother’s name.”

It was perhaps towards the end of your stay at the Wayne’s manor for dinner, and you knew you had to go home, so you had largely hinted at leaving to Drake. Everything had gotten wrapped up, but when you were just about to leave, Mr. Wayne had told you, “make sure to tell [M/n] I said hi.”

You could only stare at him in shock as your body carried along, because how does a man as famous and wealthy as bruce wayne know your mother⏤your mother? He’s the chief executive officer of Wayne Enterprises yet mentions your mother?

That moment alone is enough to wave every red flag in your brain that screams at you, telling you something is up with these shady people. The only question is what? What can a billionaire possibly want from you? Out of everything the world has to offer, the most influential billionaire in America wants to target some meager high school kid?

What do these people want from you? Is it a rich people thing to play around with those below you? Well, you guess it probably is. Like, is Mr. Wayne gonna pop out with his soulless eyes and say, ‘you’re my long lost child?’ or something?

You still don’t know why you’re being a goat stuffed before slaughtering. These people want something from you, but you? You’ve got nothing to offer that they could want. Why the hell do they even bother? If there's one thing you really hate, it’s being left in the dark like this. Not knowing is terrifying. It's dangerous. Not knowing means not being prepared, and if you’re not prepared, you won’t make it out. Damn it, you should’ve booked it the moment Mr. Wayne mentioned your father in the limo. Movies and shows always display rich people as eccentric and psychopathic weirdos, and now you’re finally believing it.

Damn it.

You’re in danger. Okay.

Maybe that’s an exaggeration. But maybe it’s not.

You’ve watched enough true crime and have enough intuition and trust in your gut to know when something is wrong.

It’s not adding up.

You’re not dumb. You see all the warnings there, but what if you're exaggerating. What if this is just the nature of the Waynes, and you think you’re special enough to be noticed by them? Mr. Wayne is a damn billionaire! He’s got the money to do whatever he wants, so it’s only natural for him to do a background check on everybody that interacts with his sons, right?

It’s all in your head… It’s all in your head.

Sighing, you stare at the plate of food in front of you, appetite long gone. Still, you grab a fork and continue to eat as Zarian and Jaylene scream back and forth next to you. Drake, who had accompanied the three of you to the diner after practice, has left, thankfully. He left as soon as his food arrived while talking about some family emergency, and honestly, you’re pretty damn grateful for that.

Ever since dinner at his house, he’s surrounded you like a pillow smothering you, and you can’t do anything about it. He’s a billionaire’s son, for fuck’s sake.

It doesn’t take long for you and your friends to finish up, and you all part ways at the door of the diner before you clutch the straps of your backpack and walk around the city endlessly. This is a habit for you now⏤a way to put off going home as much as possible ever since you found out your mother’s boyfriend doesn’t come home until one or two in the morning.

That balding, ugly, sleazy piece of shit.

He’s as gross as every other man your mother’s brought home under the terribly veiled illusion that he’ll provide her a good life and treat her right. No matter how many times you try to tell that blind bitc… No. It's wrong. It’s not your mother’s fault.

But it sometimes feels like that, though.

Most mother’s destroy their own lives for their children, yet yours cannot even think about leaving the man that beats her child on a daily. Those types of mothers leave their spouses the second they see something wrong, while your mother treats those finger-print bruises around your neck like a necklace instead of abuse.

You’ve given up on her. You gave up on her back when you were eleven years old locked in a room with her boyfriend, and she didn’t listen. Or when you were twelve. Or thirteen. Or fourteen. Or fifteen. Or sixteen. Or seventeen. And now eighteen.

And each day feels like a repetition of the same. Wake up, go to school, practice, walk around, go home, get beat, and sleep like none of it all happens. It’s a routine you despise with every fiber of your being⏤makes you wanna jump over Gotham City Bridge before thinking about returning home because who would want to? Who wants this average life?

A life where you’re not happy enough, not sad enough. Not good enough, not bad enough. Not energized enough, not tired enough. You feel like a survivor of a plane crash floating on a raft at the center of the endless ocean with no way out. Everything just seems so vast, wide, and unreachable. How can you find the shore on a simple raft? How can you find a way out of inescapable misery if it’s not by drowning?

You’ve been waiting to find the shore, but it’s been a whole eighteen years since you’ve found yourself floating along the ocean.

That whole “it’ll get better” shit is a tragic lie.

Whatever.

It doesn’t matter⏤not anymore, at least. You’re going to get far away from this place and never look back. Never have to relieve this wretched city. Never have to be confined by chains again. You’ve only a few months left before you’re free.

Until then, you’ll have to be patient and go home because the sun has fully disappeared.

Nothing but satellites twinkle in the disgustingly polluted sky of Gotham City, and the streets have come to a staggering halt as you stroll about the sidewalks, trying to find the longest path to get home. One in the morning is always the perfect time in Gotham because it’s too late and too early to be outside, so it’s generally safe for a walk.

Of course, the universe likes to prove you wrong at every point.

The sound of a thud followed by a pained groan behind you has your legs locked and ready to run with your brain screaming alerts, but you take a deep breath and turn around. How bad can it get, anyways? The sight before you surprised you nonetheless. It’s… Nightwing, a Bludhaven hero, here in Gotham, just randomly popping up behind you?

With clear bleeding cuts and sprouting bruises across his body.

In the random alley you just happen to be in?

No. You’re looking into it too much.

His eyes lock onto and they make you freeze right then and there like he’s cast some spell upon you. But that’s for a cold, brief second before you’re hooking your thumbs under the straps of your backpacks and turning around hot on your heels, refusing to spare him a single second. 

You even hear him murmur a strained, “wait,” but you don't care. 

It’s rude, mean, cruel, and it’s also none of your business. All you simply do is walk ahead to your approaching doom with an pit of unease and bitter understanding of your helplessness in your stomach. You can already feel the soon-to-be new bruises blooming along your back.

You’re not a good person.

But, really, who is?

Smoking really does skill.

But now you know why people do it.

Each drag is more out of necessity than it is a choice ever since you’ve met your friend’s plug at the dumb age of sixteen, but it's a way to dull the harsh truth of reality. The world just fades into nothing but muted and mixed colors like the loud city underneath your balcony it blurs into a faint hum the longer you stare at the spiral puffs of smoke that disappear into the air. 

Everything’s bitter⏤the joint and you.

Really bitter at the blood semi-dried on your face and the dull ache along your back.

You’ve got about an hour and a half until you have to head out to school, so what other way is there to spend it than smoking away your brain? The joint’s a temporary escape, but it helps you stall whatever new feeling of despair you’ll feel for the day. Until you’re interrupted by your phone buzzing⏤the sound still a dull hum in your ears

“... Hello?”

“[Name]!”

Zarian’s voice?

“Where the hell are you? Hurry up and get to school or else you’re gonna get in trouble for not helping to set up the club fair, and coach will be on our ass! And don't forget to bring money for the tickets!”

Coach?... Club fair?... Club fair! Holy shit!

Your eyes shoot open, and you frantically scramble up, tossing the joint over the balcony railing before hectically staggering through the living room like a drunk man. Damn it, how could you be so clueless and forget such an important event? Especially one you need money for! Damn it⏤damnit! What do you do?

… Mom! She’s got a box of money somewhere in her closet, right? You’ve seen it before! It's just twenty dollars, and she wont notice. Okay… Okay. You’re quick to get ready. You wash away all the blood that’s dried on your face, brush your teeth, and change into baggy jeans and a clean shirt before storming into your mother’s bedroom and rummaging through her things. 

She’s off at work. Her bastard boyfriend doesn't come home until late at night, which means he’s probably already taken money for the day. Okay. That's fine. They won't notice.

But you can't find anything! What the hell? Where is that fucking box? You could’ve sworn it was there on the top shelf last night, but as you swipe your hands across everything on the shelf, you can’t find it. All of a sudden, something made of wood hits the top of your head and falls to the ground with a crack. You hiss, palm moving to cover where you got hit, but your eyes land on the box that now has money strewn all across the floor and a broken… false bottom?

What the fuck.

You pull away at the rest of the false bottom to only be met with countless photos of you as a child with your mother. Mom’s shit boyfriend had all the family photos taken down for some weird reason, so they’ve been here this entire time? All of these photos are full of you throughout every stage of your life, but some have different people in them as well. Their faces are either scratched out or they’re ripped out of the photo entirely.

From what you can gather, the figures are a man and what seems to be a teenage boy. The absurdity and even slight creepiness of the scratched out faces has you laughing, yet even with your now dulled senses, your eyes land on a photo you failed to notice earlier. Maybe you’re hallucinating. There must be something wrong with your brain. Or your eyes. The universe must be playing with you because is that a photo of you and a teenage-looking dick grayson?

Your eyes widen because it looks just like the strange man you had the unfortunate opportunity of having a conversation with during dinner with the Waynes. It’s him! More importantly, why the hell is he holding a ‘three year old’ you’s hand? You probably should be screaming. Yelling. Maybe panicking? But all you can do is shuffle through the rest of the box before your fingers graze against something metal that has your heart jumping.

It’s a small camera.

With a bat engraved on its side.

Ears ringing so loudly in your head you can't even think, you wipe your teary and red eyes hastily before grabbing a twenty dollar bill, putting everything except for the photo and camera in the box, set it back on the closet shelf, and hastily grab your backpack before making way to school.

The second you reach the damned place, you seek out your now three friends and drop into a seat with a heavy thud, sighing and meeting Tim's eyes with a burning gaze.

“You mean to tell me [Name] found the camera? And you decided to tell me after school?”

Time Drake Wayne sighs and runs his fingers through his black hair, shrugging apathetically while scrolling through every photo in his phone that he’s taken of you during the club fair. His brother, Richard, is pacing throughout his room anxiously as he rambles off about their latest fuckup. 

“Look, Bruce doesn't let any slip ups happen,” Tim murmurs in exasperation. “He wouldn't let this happen because [Name]’s mom and him talked this morning. Relax, he probably knows.”

It's not a lot, but it’s enough to calm Richard down. The man takes a deep breath but finds himself sitting down next to Tim, trying to get a good look at the pictures. “How mad was [Name]?”

“High, for starters, but clearly pissed off. Very observant, too.”

“Don’t tell anyone else. Not until Bruce gives us the okay.”

TAGLIST :

@ilovemyhusbandnanami (so real), @missikkj, @ferakillia, @darlinqvi, @soriansick, @sleepydhanie, @h0rr0r-10ver-69 (love ur blog aesthetic bae), @anuttellaa (OK WINX 😽), @feral-childs-word (love the pfp), @shycreatorreview, @friesandfixations, @stuff6969fuckyou, @babiebubsie, @jsprien213, @cattioo, @cherrydaisymanic (cheetah?leopard? printttt 😍), @00hellohello00, @princessloveweird, @amber-content, @idonthaveanameforthisacc, @f1lover4ever, @dreamsarenicer, @imaginarydreams, @solkara (love the calm aesthetic), @bobfood, @toast-on-dandelioms, @ijustfuckme, @cantfindmelol, @xx1shadow1xx, @azulawayne, @box-of-kinderjoy, @iamaunknownsecret, @missybabes, @phoenixgurl030, @couldeatthatgirlforlunch, @devils-blackrose, @arevvv, @freakthis, @yourhornysister, @kirahhhh, @perfectparadisegardener, @testishere, @spaceunicorn293, @vanilliona (love the pfpp), @uknowimdumb, @esposadomd, @dakotali, @lilyalone, @kore-of-the-underworld, @pix-stuff, @hellcatsworld, @chericia, @mspoisoncoil (love the bannnnerrr) , @devotedlyshamelessdetective, @cheeseburgercasserole (love the aesthetic), @twismare

so follow me n repost if u want part lll. and somebody pls explain hsr and love and deepspace lore to me. making a taglistttttt. if this post doesnt get as many likes as the first one, im deleting this series 😭. if u see a grammatical mistake, no u didnt 😃🔪

if anybody’s got requests about this series or in general, feel free to ask!!!

WAIT!! FOLLOW MY WATTPAD ACCOUNT : @depresssant. I JUS PUBLISHED A HISTORICAL YANDERE X READER STORY

[ronweasleys-world]

i dont think remus is a coward, i think he had trouble confronting his fatal flaw (he has lived a life where he's hated at every turn, which leads to a self-hatred that runs so deep it convinces him not only that he has to compromise himself and his morals to keep the people who like him around him, but also to him genuinely believing that leaving tonks and his unborn son is legitemately the best, kindest thing to do, because otherwise he'll wreck them that much more just by existing), which is incredibly human. his bravery shows in every other aspect of his life, not least of all the fact that he chose to fight, actively and several times, for a world that hates him. he lost everything in the first war, his life only got worse, and he doesnt think twice about fighting again in the second one and in the final battle simply because it's the right thing to do and he wants the world to be a better place. that's not only brave, but as you point out, highlights the tragedy of his life and who he chose to be despite it. (and the blind devotion is a dumb thing to pin on remus when literally the entire wizarding world is "blindly" devoted to dumbledore. even voldemort thinks of dumbles as the paragon of good. it's not a "remus flaw", it's a deliberate thematic statement from the HP books bc the point of the seventh book isnt that they were wrong to trust dumbles, it's that everyone's deeply flawed, even, or especially so, our heroes, and that's ok and human and realizing it and dealing with it is a part of growing up and maturing)

I just wanna say i got so excited when i saw you 'asked', so thank you for that!

Remus is my second fav harry potter character, first before i truly discovered my love for Ron. I 100% agree with everything you said, and tbh i do not truly think of Remus as a coward, that just seems to be the general consensus when people talk about Remus and his flaws, so i guess i kinda just ran with and what people are saying, (and to some degree, i do kinda agree with what they say. Kinda)

I will however, say that this cowardliness that people pin on Remus is often to hold him in a negative light, and I often find it occurring when people slight him for not being there for Harry more (which is a whole different matter entirely, that i think i have a somewhat controversial opinion on).

Anyway, the way Remus continues with him life after all that has happened to him and still has the ability to be kind and good, is one of the reasons i actually adore that man, and i do not think the 'cowardliness' takes away from the goodness within him at all. I completely agree and understand why he is the way he is, of course he is going to run when he is scared, because let's be honest who is he gonna turn too? He has spent the entirety of his life afraid, persecuted and grief stricken.

I pointed out the devotion to Dumbledore because it kind of differs from the rest of the wizarding worlds sentiments. Remus did not think he would get to Hogwarts, get that education and meet amazing friends who did not care for what he was, and Dumbledore gave him that, Dumbledore offered him a job, and have him opportunities that were otherwise unavailable to him. I only point it out because as one of his flaws, it leaves him blind. Not only to Dumbledore, but to his friends also. He did not want to go against them in fear they would not be his friend anymore. It is difficult to go against your friends, and even more so for Remus.

I also do not have the opinion that Dumbledore is this evil manipulator, and this 'blind' devotion to him is necessarily a bad thing, it just has the potential to be.

I also don't necessarily believe Remus is a coward, sometimes that just feels like the 'best' word to describe it. When he ran away from Tonk's, that was a moment of weakness, and it would be 'silly' to shame a man at one of his worst moments. What does speak volumes more to Remus and his character, is that he went back. He realised his error and fixed it immediately, and i think that says more to who he is.

This was a whole tangent, and i enjoyed writing it! so thanks <3

[middleschoolfursona]

literal tears are running down my face as i scroll thru your blog. on it it it feels like im back home.

i just wanna go back man. i just wanna be a kid running around on feralheart and drawing my ocs again and watching silly movies with my friends. it feels like im living a lie every single day of my life since then.

it hurts and fills me with so much shame to say that i feel like a kid, like i stopped mentally aging in like 2012, 2014 at the latest. the dysphoria is strangling. i dont want to describe it but yeah it sucks so bad.

i cant tell anyone in my life this in detail. cus i can feel the callouts. the sneers. the performative disgust. the gleeful hatred. everyone turning on me and making me into a joke. but this experience is so viscerally terrible and real and i cant just get over it and i cant choose to get better. i hate it.

youre the first person ive ever seen who seemed like theyd actually understand and its just overwhelming bcus it felt like i was completely alone. so i just wanted to say thanks for the catharsis of showing me im not beyond understanding. but im sorry if this is all selfish or upsetting. the last thing i wanna do is hurt or upset anyone, so feel free to ignore and delete.

thank you for ur blog and i hope you have a great day/week/month/year/life/forever <3

anon, im so so sorry i didnt answer this one sooner. i kept thinking, "when i get on desktop" but i never ended up back on desktop until i got this new monitor (win!)

i totally feel you, im glad i can bring you (though maybe bittersweet) comfort.

dysphoria and even feelings of 'transness' in places of identity other than gender and sex absolutely exist and are valid, and its really too bad its so stigmatized. you have my <3 and you have my thoughts. its tough, and theres more of us than youd think, hopefully, its an amount that comforts you... and i hope, you can find people who relate to you and you can share trust with and happy memories.

"performative disgust' is a topic i bring up a lot in this kinda discoursing. if i may, its pretty western too.. the need to be combative causes a strange sort of lash-out-culture, where people arent even neccisarily uninformed, its a lack of desire to be informed at all, and instead perform hatred for the acknowledgement of their peers. id know. it was me once. terrible and toxic situation, but its eaten the internet in many spaces....

its tough feeling trapped, unable to move forwards and feeling like youre "wrong". being disabled and growing up disabled makes those kinds of remarks and implications said by some people extra painful to me. and i know lots of us who feel dysphoria surrounding our facets of the self, both gender or non-gender, are neurodivergant as well, and as someone who was in special education, and then my school dropped me by force because i just "wouldnt" do my math, i know how painful it can feel both inside, but then to come forward and have people act like "just move forward" "just understand" "well you can never go back so just be here instead"... its painful.

i hope that between the time you sent this and now, youvbe found someone to be open to... if not, you can send me your discord off anon (wont pub) and we can chat there if you need it... youre certainly not alone anon, just the haters want you to feel that way. dont give in. do your best!

[the-woild-is-y-erster]

meow meow meow meow meow

i want to tell you about dimes. again. help me hes all i think about. insane. crazy.

he cant tie a tie at all . its his dads tie but he doesnt know how to do it and if anyone ever taught him how too i think hed just start crying from gratitude.

also. im thinking about shoes and zeke again u shld tell me more about them please and thank you. - jack

ok so you know how shoe wears a tie? zeke has to tie it for him because he doesnt know how to tie it, so i think he would finally get fed up with dimes having his untied tie around his neck and just one day be like 'dude- c'mere.' and tie it for him without thinking and dimes is just standing there for like three minutes after like 😨🥺 and eel turns around and is like 'what.' and dimes just starts bawling

i also think eel's a very tactile person, like he loves hugs and like casual touches and stuff because his parents and brother never gave him that so he wants to make sure the rest of his boys get it, like if he sees someone hes close to he'll run up and hug them real big, like yknow the bear hugs when you kinda pick someone up and shake them a lil? thats all of his hugs

he hates crying, because his da told him it was a sign of weakness and that boys dont cry, but sometimes when shoe wakes up in the middle of the night and finds him gone, he'll go up onto the roof to see zeke sitting up there tucked in a ball looking at the stars, and they never talk, shoe just holds him until he falls asleep and carries him back down to their room.

shoe backstory a lil ig

so he's kind of a davey type, he had too many siblings so his parents sent him to the lodging house instead, but he had a formal education until he was like 12-13 so he speaks a little better than the other boys, but living in the lodging house for years has given him an accent. he wandered onto queens turf when he was selling, originally was kind of a freelancer, would buy his papers at any distribution center and wander around until he came into queens and they were like. dude. you cant do that you gotta have a borough. and took him to eel. eel was head over heels at first sight, but knew to hold back on that, and he had never had a second and was going bonkers because of it, so he was like 'heeyyyyy new kid do you wanna be boyfriends best friends and be my second?' and shoe was like sure youre really pretty lmao lets go

anywhizzle!! lmk if you want more/have questions and tell me abt dimes PLEASE i adore him🙏🙏

[disco-cola]

ok i need to rant again. when i was actually ON THE TRIP almost exactly 4 years ago (again, it was an educational trip organized thru a berlin based socialist youth organization) I literally had NOOO IDEA about palestine, like yeah I have heard the name before sometimes but I thought it existed CENTURIES AGO like no fucking joke I will admit this. in Germany they don’t teach you about this in school or in the media, ESPECIALLY due to germanys history, world war two and the holocaust you carry a sort of blame that’s passed on from generation to generation - it’s only been like 80 years too it might sound long ago but it really isn’t. you think oh israel is the jewish state and it has to be right after all germany did to jewish people, no further questions asked. before i never ever educated myself bc when I got old enough to watch and understand news that did involve Palestine, like in 2k14 i remember Gaza was big on the news with violent images and I was horrified just believing everything i heard and saw i distinctly remember googling where is Gaza bc i saw footage on the news and being scared but downright relieved when i saw its not close to germany (dumb) and I just believed the reports on tv. i didnt really use the internet then as much, i had no social media except Facebook and this blog at that point. Man I was 17 and in high school i didnt care for anything outside my small bubble bc I didn’t have to, being a privileged western child. So fast forward to late 2k19 in the project i was still hanging out at at the time we got the offer for the „israel travel“ and a lot of people wanted to go and I literally just succumbed to peer pressure imma be so honest. Everyone wanted to go so I did too, i didn’t wanna stay home. i just thought ohh i have not flown since 2003 and 300 euros for a two week trip i can actually afford this too for fckn once and there were too many people interested and too little spots so there was a Tombola and my name got drawn so that was literally the reason I went. And i usually pride myself with very good memory and recollection but those two weeks are honestly a BLUR to me like idk if it was the stress and excitement of the traveling itself but i wish i sometimes had listened more carefully, had already known what I know now and been able to ask more questions and watch and listen more closely. we did stay with Arab guest families in tamra for a week of the trip, the other half in Tel Aviv (i got wasted with the hostel staff after having to be freed aka 2 doors kicked down in my room the first evening we were there bc the doorhandle in the bathroom broke i was in trauma and then was mutuals on ig with the hostels chef until 2k21 when israel bombed gaza and there were also rockets from Gaza to Tel Aviv in response and he turned out to be Zionist so I unfollowed then) and then for the last few days we were staying in two air bnbs in jerusalem. We celebrated new years in haifa with a Christian Arab family that invited us. we did visit a kibbutz on New Year’s Day bc someone from our groups grandma was living there since 48 (yep back then i just thought oh wow that’s amazing now I would view this a lot more critically) which also got us an exclusive guide around the kibbutz which was just on the border to lebanon and seeing the bunkers was eerie but I understand it now that I got into the history involving Lebanon too. we visited several museums like ghetto fighters and yad vashem. which dont get me wrong im glad we did, it’s an important part of history. it was a „both side“ experience and I literally didn’t even realize there was a Palestinian side to it then. Like genuinely it wasn’t really made clear how this all came to be Israel. They showed us a map pre-1948 vs. now but how did it get so big i didnt know. What zionists are. What settlements are. What the IDF is (by now let’s just call it IOF) I just remember the second day in Tel Aviv someone told us israel has only existed since 1948 and I was like lol what like baffled how new it actually is. Dude it’s the first time I heard about that.

It was only a few months after the trip that i one day randomly started to read up on the history, like literally starting out on kids websites bc growing up i only ever just heard „it’s complicated“ making it seem like the „middle east conflict“ as they liked to call it was sooo hard to understand and you had to be sooo smart and diplomatic to have an opinion on it. and after reading up suddenly stuff I saw but didn’t question on the trip started to make sense. The huge checkpoint we went through going into jerusalem, our car full of Germans basically being waved right through without any control while i saw other cars being emptied out completely by heavily armed soldiers. We took a teen girl from Tamra to Jerusalem with us bc she liked to come along and then there were problems suddenly with BOTH our air bnb apartments and we asked the staff if we could accommodate our suitcases somewhere and just go explore the old city instead of waiting around blocking the entire lobby. first they said no you have an Arab with you (I didn’t even understand what they meant by that) then came around and let us do it after all at least. Dude she was literally a 15 yr old like 5‘3“ teenage girl. Why one of the guys from our group was detained and questioned at the airport for like 3 hours because he was born in Syria (had a German pass tho but anyway). And when we wanted to travel back the group guide prepped us for questioning and made sure we all had straight answers which I also didn’t understand the reason for - I wasn’t one of the people being asked questions but someone did truthfully tell Airport staff what we did during our stay and that we spent a week with Arab guest families and after that several suitcases SEEM to have been rummaged through (and I know bc I packed mine soooo neatly bc I bought baklava on the market the day before to bring my family and it was smashed like flattened) we did get into a storm when changing flights in Istanbul so idk maybe the suitcases really were just thrown around but for real it wouldn’t surprise me if they did control us after that.

Anyway I posted stories throughout the trip to my ig back then and just went with the first location tag that was suggested to me and looking back now, it’s all „…, israel“ when i was actually on occupied land (tel aviv jaffa haifa akka…) and I HATE IT ☺️ I can’t change it back now obviously. I don’t wanna delete the stories from my highlight tho, even tho it does make me feel kinda guilty, bc i see it as part of my journey. Quite literally. I honestly wish I could teleport back now being more educated about the situation and ask more questions, talk to more Palestinian people (like the guest families). Would I do such a trip again? Not as long as the destination on the ticket is called only israel. I genuinely hope I can visit Palestine again tho someday. But this time for real real.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hey Dani, a little rant cuz I don't have anyone I can talk to abt this lmao.

Little background because I think it all factors in d problem

My mom is not that well educated, She can't speak English very well and it's her biggest insecurity specially because we live in a city and a society that gives it soooo much importance. She never pursues any interest. Had an arranged marriage and she always says she feels very lonely. Lmao while I'm writing this I realise I wanna tell u so much but il try to keep it short.They are both nit that physically well. Mom's got hepatitis B, dad's got diabetes and stuff.

She has many friends but like they are all typical gossip aunties, even my mom is one haha. My dad on the other hand is well, more educated, goes to the office and stuff but he's VERY introverted, doesn't talk much at all, you literally have to beg him and like coax stuff out of him which can get super tiring and annoying ngl. Today, they fought again and their topic is always the same

Mom- I AM ALONE ALL DAY AT HOME, I DONT HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TOA DN THEN U COM FROM OFFICE AND JUST GO AND WATCH TV AND YOU UUST TALK ABT WORK BLAH BLAH

I have tried to talk to my dad and well he says he ll work on it but he never does or maybe he just can't so I tried to tell my mom to try new things independently and not depend on my dad so much. Obviously neither of them listen to me but they make me losten to their shitt. I'm just so tired at this point. Don't know what to do. Today my mom said that if this goes on, either one us (mom or dad) will not remain. And I'm like wow dude such a nice thing to say after coming back from 5 hrs of college and 4 hours of travelling with no food.

At this point, Idk who's wring or who's selfish. Me, my mom, my dad or all 3 of us. Thank god my brother is not involved in dis shitt.

Oh, sweetie, this is such desi daughter trauma and i am so sorry that you're caught in the middle of it.

I'm proud of you for protecting your brother and for trying to do something about it.

But it's not your job to fix your parents' marriage but i totally understand why you feel the need to do so.

Something that might help (and definitely helped for me) is to help your mom find some hobbies that might make her feel less lonely. It should be something new and something she'll enjoy and something she can look forward to.

A lot of our moms don't have a life of their own (because they were told their life is about caring for someone else) so their loneliness is very valid - but, i repeat, not your responsibility.

Something you can also do is perhaps organize some kind of activity you all do as a family together at least once a week (yes this is a headache i know), it could be cooking a meal together or watching some stupid reality show (this is what we did at home) and or just whatever that comes to mind.

You're not selfish at all. I hope this doesn't interfere with your studies. If it does, PLEASE tell your parents about it. Sometimes parents stop fighting when they realize it's affecting your grades (desi math istg).

Sending lots of love!

[winderlylandchime]

2/2 Hunter showed up now all dressed nicely and showered ‘he looks like he’d knock on my door to talk about the big guy. I like him..little shit’ ‘oh Ted. *starts shaking his head* this hurts a lot. Emmett come on baby, please get rid of him until he gets better. This is not okay. Oh fuck you Ted! WHY IS HE MAD THAT EMMETT IS SUCCESSFUL?! He deserves good things! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME? This fucking finale for this fucking show better be good or im gonna be so fucking pissed at them for making me sad all the time’ ‘FUCKING TRUMP BITCH! WHY IS BRIAN HERE?! what the hell is going on? Oh he looks pretty. *looks at me and puts his hands up in defense* dont take this wrong but leather looks good on him. I mean he looks nice in suits but this *waves at brian in stockwells office* Bellissimo!! I like his hair, its all spikey and shit. OH FUCK YOU, you cant do shit for him! *does a little cheers to him with his soda* yeah! No apologies and no regrets. I should live my life like that too *long pause while he goes to get his pills in the kitchen* but i got anxieties bro. HE is offering BRIAN his job back? After he caught him fucking on his own troll posters? Oh he is SCARED!’ The Ted/Em party is on ‘this is killing me. Drugs are evil and so is that fucker! Ted come on! WHY IS HE BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?! Emy baby, sugar, you deserve better please.’ ‘YES BRIAN! I KNEW YOU WERE SMART! EVEN THO FOR SOME REASON THEY MADE YOU DUMB IN THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON! *looks at me and pauses tv on Brian again* okay be honest.. could i pull off that type of leather jacket like him? Like that brown one is my new favorite thing. I want it. *points at me while continuing to watch ep* that b-t-w is what oxford dictionary would call a hint. Carl stop being stup- HES DEAD?! THE COP IS DEAD? Suicide? But he made sure to wash his car? What the fuck?’ *once again pauses tv on Em and looks at me with a big smile* ‘i think i have a new idea for a shirt (me: please no, youve done too much already) oh come on! Little mary go fuck yourself sounds hilarious. You’re no fun.’ ‘AW BLONDIE TOOK OU-HIS BOYFRIENDS ADVICE! Thats right Blondie! Gotta take care of your education so that you can be successful and be successful boyfriends with your succes-well currently unemployed boyfriend but oh well. THEY WANT HIM TO WHAT NOW TO WHO? Oh hell no! Absolutely not! Fuck you all.’ ‘Full offense but I wouldn’t allow this doctor mark or whatever to put a fucking bandaid on me. Emmett please im begging you leave him. You deserve way better. Ted *points at him* get fucking help. NO EMMETT NO YOU ARE NOT ANY TYPE OF TRASH FROM ANYWHERE! You dont need him! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME?!’ Hunter was told to make a wish for something he wants more than anything ‘wanna bet that his wish was for Brian to fuck him? That’d be mine. Okay Mel is on my good side again.’ ‘ITS JUSTIN AND BRIAN AGAIN! *said with a goofy smile on his face* Brian cares so much about Blondie’s education, it’s actually adorable. I don’t think he cares about anything as much as him doing good in school and being successful. AH-DOR-ABLE! (Justins says sometimes you have to sacrifice everything for what you believe in) *stands up quickly* AND THATS WHY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO EAT A PICKLE! Because i believe I am way better than some weird allergy! (I go to say something and he immediately stops me) shhh- hold up, Brian is gonna do something cute. OH DAMN LOOK AT THAT KISS AND HUG! I was right. Put on the next episode, i already miss them’

Put on the next episode, i already miss them is the biggest mood ever

Uhh, remember what I said about hearing him wail all the way in CA? Well “this fucking finale for this fucking show better be good or im gonna be so fucking pissed at them” is making me more worried. Maybe you should have some fanfiction all pulled up and ready to go, just shove it in his face while he’s still crying.

The Ted and Emmett party is so so cringe and awful. Poor Emmy.

He wants Bri Bri’s leather jacket (Gale looks so good in leather) for christmas? From you? Oh lord.

I will take a Team Brian and a Little Mary Go Fuck Yourself t shirt when he sets up his etsy store.

I don’t think Justin’s “sometimes you need to sacrifice everything for what you believe in extends to your brother eating a pickle.

[01tsubomi]

hi!! if you dont mind me asking, how did you manage to end up teaching in japan?? ive been researching but info online is so extense and overwhelming and i never have good answers....

hello!! first of all i wanna say i understand the stress - i applied to j/et first and was going to work on backups like int/erac and private hiring if that didn't work out and i'm always thankful that i didn't have to. honestly now that i'm here it feels funny that i stressed out so much during the application process bc i always find myself thinking "damn they'll let anyone in" (often about myself lmao). it can be really odd and unexplainable who j/et does and doesn't take but japan needs a lot of ALTs to keep the system going so if you've got the enthusiasm for it there's definitely a place for you!!

i would definitely recommend trying for j/et and int/erac first before worrying about the other options!! since j/et has the biggest reputation ofc there's the double-edged sword of it feeling the most prestigious and hard to get into but again they do hire a ton of candidates every year, plus it has the highest guaranteed pay and takes care of so much for you pre-departure. idk where you're at in life/when you'd plan on applying but if you wanna start the job as soon as possible, int/erac has pretty much a rolling application and their main recruiting cycle is for spring departures (while j/et won't start recruiting again til october, for departure in summer 2025). int/erac gives you a little less pay and a little less initial help, but it's still very reputable. int/erac ALTs also have a few more freedoms once you're in japan bc i believe int/erac has your school hire you directly intead of employing you to your city's board of education. so for example my BoO doesn't let ALTs commute by car, but int/erac ALTs and private hires don't have that restriction. knock on wood, if neither of those work out, there are lots of sites like gaijinpot posting private hire opportunities. i don't know about the competitiveness of those and they do often require you to sort out visa application or housing on your own, but opportunity is always out there! seriously though i wouldn't worry about that at first. that's the backup plan ace up your sleeve

in terms of what you can do to raise your chances of getting hired, again, i think the enthusiasm is the key!! people say the j/et interview is a glorified vibe check bc they've been known to reject people who sometimes seem overqualified for the position (maybe for good reason - the amount of responsibility you get and teaching you get to do is suuuuper variable and dependent on your school, and probably about ~1/3 of my work days every year i have no classes and little relevant work to do, if any). i don't have a background or certification in teaching but i did a lot of tutoring in college and minored in japanese so i had a lot to say about my passion for language education. i know j/et really loves the angle of "what will you get out of the position, and what will you give back" - i can tell you're excited about the idea of teaching in japan so i'm sure you already have your answers!! if you have hobbies related to japan it's good to explain how being in japan would help you continue them. or you can always research what you could do with your non-japan related hobbies in japan! i love cooking and i started taking classes at a chain studio that does a mix of japanese and worldwide cooking. again i know the hit-or-miss element of it is scary but really they just want friendly open-minded people who can share their culture, have enthusiasm about education and exchange, don't mind the hours/job restrictions, and are down to pack their bags and live in japan. if you have any other questions please ask!! i know this is random but i've helped a couple of friends with their applications so if you do want some extra eyes on a statement of purpose my inbox is always open!! cheering for you!! 🎉🎉

[death-ward]

hehe i did an oc meme for dori just for funsies

🍇: What sort of friend are they? Where are they in the group dynamic?

Dori is a very devoted friend, to the point that it’ll probably be her downfall. Probably because when you grow up with none and suddenly have some…..well. You dont wanna give those up. In the group dynamic she kinda falls into the mother hen territory she’s always concerned about others well being and wanting to do the right thing. 

🍉: Does your OC have a particular piece of jewelry that they always wear or refuse to part with?

Her phylactery but that was snatched from her so heehee. I think she was more afraid to take it off than anything bc she wasn’t sure what would happen. 

🍋: What is your OC's most painful memory?

El oh el. 

🍍: Where does your OC feel most comfortable?

In a cozy quiet atmosphere. Think coffee shop atmosphere, where the ambient noise is calming and minimal.

🍎: Do they share any features or traits with any family members?

LMFAO NO FUNNILY ENOUGH! I guess both her and her sister share the same strong want to do whats right. But that’s about it.

🍑: What sort of traits does your OC look for in a Significant Other?

Yknow…idk if I’ve thought about this for her tbh…Someone who is kind, someone who lives life with purpose. Someone who just enjoys her for her. This is sad and sounds like the bar is on the floor LMFAO 

🍒: Has Your OC had their first kiss yet? If so, with who?

Yeah I think I’ve answered this one it was either some boy in her hometown that didn’t think she was an absolute freak and it happened in the library, or it was some member of her circus troupe on a night out. 

🍓: Does your OC have any particular scents they like? Or hate?

She likes the scent of chamomile and light floral notes. She also really likes the smell of coffee despite not really drinking it too often. She hates the scent of like…damp and musty areas.

🍆: Does your OC have any favourite form of affection, physical or otherwise?

Giving affection she’s very much one of those ‘I saw this and thought of you’ type of people. She likes giving items that are tailored and personalized to those she cares about. Reassuring touches are probably her favorite to receive. A hand on the back, shoulder, a gentle reassuring squeeze of the hand, etc. 

🌽: How does this OC feel about acts of affection? What's their favourite act of affection, physical or emotional?

I think she’d get utterly embarrassed if they’re publicized. I feel she’s very shy with affection. Physical or emotional. I think her favorite again is reassuring touches. I think she’d also really enjoy cuddling LMFAO shes so lame my god. Let her be a small spoon. 

🍰: What's something your OC counts as unforgivable?

Harming innocent people for any reason. 

🎂: Has your OC have any contradictory interests or traits to the first preception people have of them? How do they surprise people?

She’s a bootleg wizard I guess so people expect her to be like super smart but she’s okay (i’m stupid). She’s like kind of smart but she’s never been formally educated or gone to college so I call her a bootleg wiz because she’s learned from knowledge passed onto her and her unbending will to learn.

🍪: What is something that's sentimental to you OC?

Shes got a set of ornate tarot cards I’ve talked about before but also a pair of earrings her sister got for her for her birthday years ago.

🍩: What's a crime your OC is most likely to commit? What's a crime they're most likely to get arrested for?

Knowing her it won’t even be her who commits it; it’ll be like Rorik or Groop or Gyael who does and she gets caught in the crossfire LMFAO. At this rate it’ll be some type of war crime where again, she didn’t do it but was caught in the crossfire.

🍫: Where does your OC go to think?

She never stops thinking unfortunately. 

🍾: Does your OC believe in luck? If so, do they have any charm or ritual they do before a stressful event?

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LOOK AT MY DICEROLLS. 

🍷: What's one of your OC's pet peeves concerning food?

SHE ABSOLUTELY HATES WHEN SOMETHING WET TOUCHES ANOTHER BIT OF FOOD AND MAKES IT SOGGY. GAGGGGGGGINGGGG

🍹: Does your OC have any funny anecdotes told about them?

Funny? No but she’s been said to be a filthy devil lover which is true! Hehe! 

🍻: What's your OC's favourite comfort ritual? How do they calm themselves down after a rough day?

Yknow. That’s a good one she’s had nothing but rough days and is super good at compartmentalizing rn so we’ll have to figure that out at a later date. 

🥃: If your OC was in this universe, what would be their favourite show/book/band/social media platform?

Omggggg she’d love ghost adventures….i also think she’d love ACOTAR…band wise I feel like she’d love HIAM…and Rina Sawayama…also she’d fuckin EAT UP pinterest…

🍕: How does an OC spend a lazy day?

At this point in time? Resting……she hasn’t had a chance to rest in forever.

🍔: Are there any recent trends you think your OC would hate? Or love?

Recent trends….not that i can think of 

🍟: What does your OC admit to be their guilty pleasure? What actually is their guilty pleasure?

Shitty romance novels….her actual guilty pleasure? Writing shitty romance stories. LMFAO

[catnherthoughts]

the note 10/7

*hopefully one day i'll look back on this and just be grateful that the only way to get past it is to go through it.

As much as everyoneeee hates to hear it, i always knew it was gonna come to this. most people who feel suicidal get help or find some sort of meaning to life that makes it all worth it. you don't just go through all of life wanting to kill yourself and just never do it. The feeling is like a distant friend. sometimes she is just a memory and sometimes she is with me, staying in my apartment. then of course as all good house guests do, she knows when its time to leave but still keeps in contact. so i dont forget her of course. like i could ever.

maybe i wouldn't have had to come to this if my life was different. i would say if i was prettier but i think i look very gorgeous.in fact, that's one of the few things that keeps me going. when i was ugly i used to attempt every other day. now its just a voice screaming at me that i try not to involve myself with. maybe if i had a more emotionally available father. maybe if i had a more emotionally mature mother. maybe if my friends reached out more. i could blame every person on this earth for not doing something but at the end of the day this is my fault. i'm the one who let the brain disease get to me. i take my meds regularly. i exercise and try to eat well. i do self care and still, i cant get myself to care about myself.

i came to the realization the other day that i am not living for myself. that was such an insane realization. i was driving to my human rights and digital media class and the thought came into my mind. i am only alive because i don't want to make people sad with my death. how sad is that? my mom would be devastated and maybe off herself. i hope she never has to read this but if she does i would want her to keep going. my friends would be in eternal torment wondering what they could have done. you did all you could. my dad would maybe just be a bit more numb. or maybe he'd upheave his own life, then again i don't think he'd care that much. he gave me the opportunity to have a good life while i could. my boyfriend would have everlasting grief. "my dad died, my mom threatens to kill herself, my brother has tried multiple times." gosh how guilty do i feel even mentioning anything is wrong. i understand i have a certain amount of accountability when it comes to sharing my emotions but how do i say anything in that situation?

i'm usually very good at hiding this feeling. i used to never let anyone even for a second know what i was going through. i have a twitter account where i sometimes indulge in the idea i have some feelings about things. it has been very concerning recently. i don't know if the feeling has been this strong in a very long time. every morning, i rise to start the day and i dread going out and doing things. i know its like hashtag dont wanna go to school but it may become an issue when the work becomes so suffocating that i can't bear to do it. i push through because my grades are one of the most important aspect of my being to my father. he is also spending a great deal of money on my education so i get it. whatever. i go through the day and count the hours until i can be in bed. once i'm in bed, i rot and rot and rot. i torment myself in every free moment, asking myself why i keep going. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i see my boyfriend and as much as he doesn't want to believe it, he makes me feel better. he is the person i can be emotionally vulnerable with, or at least who i feel comfortable enough with, so i show how i feel when we are together. he sees how tired i am. he's worried. he would be very upset if he knew what i was writing right now. i love him very much and i'm glad that in this life i have someone who showed me what love was like. maybe if heaven is real i'll watch over him like an angel and make sure his life is the best that it can be. i'd negate his suffering as much as i could. maybe i'd get a therapist for my mom. maybe i'd give my dad signs that its okay to feel things. i hope he'll cry at my funeral. i wonder if he'll bring his girlfriend and her daughter. i wonder what they'd think. he would probably make a joke about me starving myself to death. he tries his best to get it but i don't think he even gets that i have depression, clinically diagnosed. i dont think my mother knows that it isn't about her. she'd have more to talk about with her friends if i did it.

i wish i had some advice to give. like; "If you're ever struggling, make sure to ask for help so you don't end up like me". I wouldn't know how to ask for help if it hit me in the face. I used to, very often. it didn't go well. i've never even been hospitalized. one time the morning after my attempt my dad yelled at me and told me to stop being stupid. my mom, in one of my deepest pits, told me i need to eat breakfast and stop taking my meds at such a high dosage. i've been told recently that i should get help for the sake of my relationship, if not myself. i've been told to talk to someone about it. i don't want to talk to anyone about it. i dont need to make anyone worried and then when i get to the point where it does happen, leave them thinking they could have done more. they can't stop me.

i can't keep going through everyday wishing for it. crossing the street ever so slowly. even stopping in the middle. smoking so much maybe my lungs will never recover. pursuing a communications degree that i know i'll regret. i'm just an unlucky woman. i was born to kill myself. that was the plan. i wish that instead of the other baby, i was miscarried. that i never got the chance for people to love me. if no one cared then it would make things so much easier. alas, i care too much for those around me that its killing me slowly. i wish i was in a coma. i wish i was diagnosed with a disease that gives me 2 weeks to live. i wish that i had a way out. everytime i drive my care i imagine going 100 mph straight into a tree. then i remember how mad my dad would be that i messed up his car, and i drive safely. the thought of me taking a razor straight down my arm and letting myself bleed out in the shower, then i think about who would find me and everyone finding out. i wonder who would show up to my funeral.

my roommate just asked if my writing was going well. if she knew she'd have a panic attack and i dont need her to suffer. how much longer do i have to suffer so others don't have to. its my life and if i decide it's over for me, i should have the right to end it on my own terms. there is no free will, if there was i'd be dead a long time ago. because of everything that has lead up this point, i am simply a piece of seaweed in the ocean, drifting by waiting to be eaten.

i'm too tired to keep writing but i feel like this this isn't a sufficient enough note. if i could, i write a suicide letter book. that way at least i'll be able to say i published something. in a perfect world i would be a philosopher and have a phd and people would read and love my work. sadly, life is not perfect, not even good enough for me to want to be apart of it. thank you everyone for making it so hard to say goodbye.

[mayssa-m]

i done figured out what I wanna do in my life and what my life will look like, it might look like I got no plans but I really know what I’m doing. I nose-dived several times education-wise n that’s really odd of me cus I was known to be the biggest nerd in my class n that reputation completely faded away n I can’t really blame myself as I got distractions of another life with a completely different lane n it’s hard to balance between, my mom just had a talk w me and this time I’ll do it not for myself but my mom n that other life I wanna live cus i always promised myself no matter what I’ll never give up on school n the results by my attitude towards it is the perfect route for someone removing school from his/her life, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. It’s gonna be harder for me than others whether it’s people only being focused on school n doing really good or someone else in the field I’l distracted by doing really good in it to, in my case the harder part is gonna be balancing in order to succeed in both, it’s gonna be really challenging but I know it’ll pay off 2 years from here n theres nothing to worry about as I talk everyday about how fast time goes so those two hears will go in a blink of an eye n ill look back n be like damn. I’m ready for this 2 year journey as at the end of them I’ll get double rewarded, two different types of rewards from each side, I learned a lot from the previous mistakes I’ve made and this time I just wanna do really well and bounce back just imagine me being a nerd again my family being really proud of me along with myself n doing also well in my other plan like bro what could be any better than that n then 2 years from now I’d get my results n graduate imagine just that is enough as my life is completely shifting I’m leaving my home country n gonna open this new chapter of my life that’s what Ive been dreaming of for soo long just living by myself in another country yes my family is gonna be away but what ive always wanted since idk what age was me living in my own appartment in a different country i also planned w my cousin we’d have a mansion each or split one and have expensive cars (part2 ill take about it later) n then I’d visit my parents and give them gifts and money n them just being genuinely happy with who they’ve raised and finally all their hard work paying off cuz im telling you it wasn’t easy for my parents especially now we’re prolly at our worst financially n whats giving me hope is not only that they always end up figuring it out but that im the oldest meaning id be the first to show them that what theyve done was worth it (+my second plan on the side) one of my goals also is getting a scholarship so that i wont have to make them pay much and something i also thought of was them not even paying for me i want by the age of 18 to be able to pay for college, car, clothes, food, airplane tickets, etc just anything for myself n i know ill do it BRO i wanna make them so happy you wont even understand n they dont even know the millionth of how grateful i am of having them or just anything they do, i see it trust i just dont show ut in case i look ungrateful to them, its not that i dont hug kiss n say i love you that i dont mean to say it its just all in my head i keep rushing myself in my head to be even harder on myself n makes things go faster, they’ll never ever even expect the quarter of what im about to do

I wanna come back n read this whenever i feel like i cant do it nomore cus i know there will be a lot of downs, school really isnt easy when youre aiming to be the best at it (to aim high)

my parents always taught me to aim higher n i still got this habit where i overestimate what i can do n dont end up being consistent so i end up being disappointed

n i know it might sound weird n unusual but something thatll keep you going youre not getting there by being in your room 24/7 just doing school stuff, you need to go out, do activities, go out with your friends or family members, spend time with family, just basically going out n not always working in the same environment n you will enjoy it better than being all by yourself studying in the same environment, its really all about balance and organization, n thats what ill do n first step would be to start sleeping earlier and wake up early in order to have better quality of sleep for a better performance the next day and a longer day in order to be able to do as much as possible thats all i gotta do for now

28.08.2024 it’ll really all be done by like june-july 2026 it’s crazy

[genesisz]

ive been thinking about religion a lot lately, whether i believe or not, what do i believe in? do i have to believe? do i want to believe? something my brother said to me when i was young was “you need to believe in something” back then i kinda thought that meant in any religion, just pick one, but later on i kinda figured that meant just not to follow what your parents or other people tell you, but that you truly believe it or feel something? im kinda confused abt how people go to church and listen to someone talk and pray, do they feel something? and maybe they dont but it at least works for them. it does not work for me, i dont feel anything, i kinda just listen and pick apart what they are saying and end up mad bc i disagree so i never even get to listen to the entire thing. i also cant take them seriously singing up there, sometimes they go hard fr, i be jammin but other times im like? do they really gotta do all that? but also that must work for them and thats great… just not for me. waking up to do that? no thank u. it just genuinely does not interest me, i dont care for it all. its not for me. its not something i want to do, spend my time on, i dont see the point. i truly dont see the point. out of so many religions, i dont want to continue to learn about christianity/catholicism, i just think theres so much more therefore why stick to one thing? not to say thats necessarily what you are doing when u partake in ur religion but if i were to invest my time into something i rather it be something new, not what i grew up with and not what surrounds me now. do i want to invest my time on a new religion? no, not a priority for me atm, i kinda dont even get it. are we…using this for guidance? following/educating/believing certain sentences to guide your life? i can definitely understand that part and get it, but the parts about God and the idea of worshiping essentially a man seems a bit crazyyyy…. i just cant do it man, which ofc not everyone is taking it that seriously….i think… idk… ive only been around people who r pretending to be serious about and people who are 100% about it, so yea ppl im surrounded by have influenced why idc, but ive tried giving it a shot, i just dont really feel like lying or being hypocritical anymore. i believe theres definitely more out there, and the possibility of Gods, for sure ( i prefer virgin mary if ima believe in anything its gonna be a woman! ) but also like im not gonna take it too seriously…. like… its not that serious… also when i say that like i fw w her but its not like im praying to her, i have and pray for others in the sense that i wish for such and such but like never for myself. i think thats still selfish maybe, but im jst not really saying Dios or someone just in a general sense, which works? why not? omg dont get me started on repenting, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? i think we all hope bad people get whats coming to them but also mistakes are mistakes, youll be fineee you can have self awareness and apologize, living and learning is basically what youre doing but i rather do it w/o the extra stuff, AGAIN if it works for others thats great, i dont think its taken that seriously anymore unless ur a hardcore old person but again growing up and seeing it or being surrounded by it is just like ughhh whateverrrrr ill probably ask around to people my age to see the point of view but idk i think the guidance part is nice but maybe like reading it? not so much living it and going by it, bc well…. ima live my life and ima rot if i wanna rot, i just dont wanna take it so seriously, i feel like if you arent kinda serious abt it then whats the point? other than pleasing others or a lil hobby. i need someone to ask me questions to see figure out what i believe in bc i think i know i feel like i have some answers but also maybe i dont

idk tbh i lost my point tbh, but i believe in myself, one thing ima do is think it through and act or dont act ☝️

[hastings727]

I'm Starting to Figure out Living Better.

It took 31 years to figure out "oh yeah just go back to school and learn stuff". I guess I hated school as a kid so much (not to mention the buckets of childhood traumas, thanks mom and stepdad) that I couldn't even see potential for anything in my life.

I'm in school right now, a local community college, for a videography course. Multiple courses to get a certificate, which is not a degree but its something. I have a friend who works for a production company and I'm fairly certain I could get a job with them, whatever it might be.

So I'm taking the courses, and they're fun. They are the literal first in-person courses I've taken since 2011, when I was barely 20. And those were literally just the pre-req classes for english and math, all for me to take a programming course after, and give up 3 weeks in. Ugh.

But what makes me so happy is that not only are the projects interesting, I actually accomplish them. Not only do i accomplish them, I'm getting multiple ideas for videos, doing all the extra work like doing a storyboard (which was so hard at first until my teacher was like "you dont have to be good at drawing"). We have our final project right now and I'm shooting it today, but i also have a different idea for it that I wanna do just because.

This sort of enthusiasm hasn't been present for me like, ever. The only time I enjoy stuff, its entertainment. I put myself down way too hard whenever I tried to create stuff before. Drawing, gave up Web design, gave up Blender, gave up.

And more "boring" jobs just felt like a chore to learn, like I took a class for medical coding but it all felt like being back at high school again. Worksheets on worksheets, all online so I had no one to help or push me along. I think being in a classroom and having creative assignments being given by actual teachers, in person (And have been so nice and helpful), has helped me so much.

My teachers have been so good, not only in instructing but in making me feel like I can accomplish this stuff. They never make me feel dumb for not understanding something. When I finished the first major project, I remember feeling so bad about it, and I told my teacher "I think this is bad, I did a bad job, i dont want ppl to see it" and he said "I understand how you feel, but you have to understand that you're a beginner, and so is everyone else. You can't expect to be good right out the gate. We all critique each-others work together, and its not to put eachother down, its to give valid criticism so that we can get better."

And that one little speech he told me broke a lifetimes worth of negative attitude. I was so changed, I told him I'd like to be first or 2nd to present my video, because I wanted to know what I did wrong. And after the video was over, all my classmates told me "I don't know why you were worried, that was great!" They all still gave me their criticism, and so did my teacher. And we did that for everyone. It was such a respectful and kind atmosphere.

Someones gonna read this and go "Revima, that is literally a normal educational space." To which I'd say "I'm sure you're correct but I have *issues*."

[cripplecryptid]

Hm

[blxetsi]

modern eren jaeger dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

college!eren jaeger x gn!reader

warnings: mentions of p*rnhub

- firstly, this man is CONVINCED it was love at first sight (he ALWAYS tells you this too)

- "babe when i met you i just KNEW you were gonna be mine" "no you didnt" "yes i did- hey dont stop holding me 😣"

- you guys met because you were tutoring him. (he was failing history 😔💔)

- after weeks of shy touches and shared giggles he FINALLY brought his grade up and didnt need you anymore

- that didnt mean he didnt want you tho ;)

- asked you out on a date (and by that i mean to a party smh 🙄)

- and the rest is history 😌✨

- hes the kind of guy that flirts with you even though youre together

- "so uh,, you come here often 😏"

- "eren youre in my apartment 😐"

- he tries to invite you everywhere that he goes with his friends

- like,,, EVERYWHERE

- jean and reiner wanna organize a boys night ? hes pulling out his phone getting ready to text you and saying "oh is it okay if y/n comes ? i didnt get to see them much this week i miss them 🥺" like mf this is for The Boyz 😡😤🥶🥵🔥‼️

- youre weirdly close with sasha, shes just really cool

- eren will call you at the most inconvenient times for the stupidest reasons

- one time he called you while you were doing an INTERVIEW for work and you wanna know what he called you for ? to tell you he bought a bunch of silly string to use on jean.

- bitch im trying to get PAID. rn . trying to make a LIVING. so i dont end up below the POVERTY LINE. tell me about ur silly string after i secure the bag 🙄‼️

- is very touchy. like very touchy.

- but also respects bounderies

- hes NEVER mad when you have something to say about him or your relationship together

- you dont feel comfortable with the pda ?? He Wont do it Again

- you think you two could work on communicating better with each other ?? hes already googling ways to do that

- he cares and cherishes you and the bond you two have created together, hes not gonna try and ruin that

- is a fucking lightweight. dont go with him to parties.

- but if you asked him to hold his drink he will NOT forget about it.

- a couple times he broke the plastic cup he was gripping it so hard 🤩

- is also the type of guy to just protect others ?? like for no reason

- he sees a guy trying to get close to a girl who had made it abundantly clear that she didnt want that ?? hes going over there and playing bf to protect that stranger

- he can thank first year drama class for his superb acting skills 😌✨

- will literally help anyone he sees in a bind

- also his brother is weirdly cool ??

- his parents live far away but his brother only lives like,, 40 minutes away from the university

- hes like an older brother to everyone 🤩

- if you like reading classic literature zeke is your guy to talk to. has so many ideas and opinions on those stories and stuff, and will NOT hesitate to lend you a book of his

- eren has led lights in his room. he ALWAYS has them on the colour red

- he doesnt understand why ppl think hes horny bc of the red lights ?? his eyes just adjust better to the red lights compared to the blue 😔

- he has stretch marks all over his body 🤩 like on his biceps, tummy, back, thighs, etc. etc. doesnt really think about them anymore but he used to be SO self conscious of them in highschool. he saw berty (bertholdt) with his shirt off once during his freshman year and saw how he had stretch marks too, and immediately thought they were cool

- he likes to play with your hair and scratch your scalp, but he likes it when you braid his hair because he thinks it makes him look pretty

- will get you weird things because they remind him of you

- one time he came to pick you up for your date and before you could even KISS HIM hes pushing you away and pulling out a tiny ceramic frog 😐

- "no you dont understand zeke took me to a thrift store today and i found this and it reminded me of you-" "i look like a frog to you ? is that what youre saying ?" "NO ! its just so cute, and youre so cute so i had to get it. do you like it 😊"

- doesnt like most meats, his only exceptions are chicken,

- thats it 😐

- you guys were having a picnic and you made sandwichs (with the sliced turkey meat) and he took one bite out of it, looked you in your face, and spit it back into the baggy without breaking eye contact

- likes just laying in bed with you. has a playlist of songs like arctic monkeys and shit like that, just sitting in the dark with a song on low volume, whispering whatever he wants into your ear is like,, the DEFINITION of love in his book

- also can and will recite lines from shakespeare plays to you ?? will be at the most randomest times. you could be sweeping and he'd just wrap his arms around you before whispering "two households, both alike in dignity. in fair verona where we lay our scene. from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean."

- okay mf this isnt english class 😐‼️ but thank you 😁👍

- will always try and do new tiktok trends and make funny videos so he can "blow up"

- he gets on average like 20 views 🤩

- he likes seeing you and his friends get along, it just makes him so happy that you love mikasa and armin just as much as he does, and hes so thankful that youre all friends

- likes to help you reach whatever you cant, and if youre taller (even by an inch) hes making you grab things for him

- he doesnt have a major yet, and he doesnt really know what he wants to do with his life, but being a hairstylist sounds cool

- whenever youre having a bad day mentally, he'll just give you your space unless you say otherwise

- he doesnt know if its the best idea, but he knows when he gets into a bad headspace he wants to be alone

- if you do say you want him with you, he'll lie right beside you in bed and spoon you, and if you want he'll put on the arctic monkeys playlist and whisper about the project he worked on for his business class

- he doesnt like sharing, BUT will steal your shit all the time 🙄

- "oh hey heres that thing i borrowed from you" "oh my fucking god eren i thought i lost that months ago"

- may not understand everything he learns in class, but he always tries bc this is his education !! his parents saved up a lot of money for him to be able to go to university !! hes gonna try his best to make the most of this

- i feel like he would play baseball at university. he asks that u wear his jersey to every game so "everyone knows that the most beautiful person attending this educational establishment is MINE" like,, k ill wear the jersey 🙄🤚

- has a list of the best websites to use to illegally stream movies, anime etc.

NSFW ! -------

- also hates pornhub. knows about all the controversies and shit about the website and doesnt use it. supports smaller porn companies that respect their workers 😁👍

- his parents love you. Im Serious

- carla asks about you all the time (hey mommy 😏) and his dad wonders about you too even though hes more lowkey about it

- always has to open the door for you or pull out your chair for you. no matter what setting youre in he Has to do it bc hes a gentleman

- bohemian rhapsody is his comfort film

- i think eren thinks that Youre the One for him, and this idea is solidified when you two graduate together 😍

- he takes you back to the library where he first met you, gives you a promise ring and just asks you to move in with him, hes not ready for an engagement and he knows you arent either, but he knows that youre it for him, and he just wants to be with you for as long as youll allow it

GAH this felt all over the place and very mediocre but i hope you enjoyed !!! remember asks are open so feel free to request something 🤩