#i just wanna go back to bed man
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iwant. To go home
#owwwww dude#fucking ow#bad pain day ⛔️🙅♀️#HATE#i am seething#i want to cry#i want to scream#i want to walk into oncoming traffic#i just wanna go back to bed man#and get some meds#i ran out#im fucking dying#live footage of my will to live draining#imsofuckingtired#owwww
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*guy that hasn't slept properly in several days voice* damn why am i so tired
#rye.txt#my sleep schedule is so messed up man ��#started going to bed at 2am instead of 10pm. except it takes me like an hour and a half to two hours to fall asleep each night#so really im getting to sleep around 3am-4am#and then my body wakes me up at 7am#and sometimes i can go back to sleep but other times i have Work To Do and have to get up then#and then i can maybe try to go back to sleep around 10am#except oops my body doesn't let me actually sleep so i just go to bed and sit there until i feel bad about trying to sleep during the day#and then i get up again#my works schedule is also Very Weird but it's always been like that#im. tired. i wanna draw kitty cats but im too eepy :(
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Im a genius im so smart i missed my stop and now im standing in the freezing cold waiting for the bus that goes in the other direction which only arrives every half hour and its so fucking cold and i want to cry
#everything goes wrong as usual#its not my fault the guy is sick and postponed me to later in the day and it got all confusing#hate when my plans get changed suddenly#and then i was so anxious i didnt notice when i shouldve got off the bus and now im in the middle of nowhere freezing my nose off#man i just wanna go back home and hide in my bed#mine
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#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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thinking about freehoun so bad tonight oughhhhhhhhhhhh
#i wanna draw it so bad but i need to eat and then go to bed#like- just the idea of the rescas. barney sees gordon being dragged away and is forced to leave him#and even though he knows gordon lived- he defeated the nihlanth after all- he's still never going to see him again#the vorts say he's alive- they INSIST he's alive- but he'd still be on xen with no way to get back#and then barney just exists selflessly trying to help the resistance for 20 years#every so often he hears about gordon coming back one day and fuck he wants to believe that but he just *cant*#until he sees him at the train station#holy shit. it's him. and he hasn't aged a damn day.#barney can't even properly reunite because they would get caught and killed#so he calls issac and sends gordon on his way trying so so so hard to pokerface for the rest of his shift#when he gets back he only finds out gordon is on the run and in danger#and he cant do shit to help him#and when gordon gets to black mesa east barney isn't even there#all that- all of half life 2- and they can't properly reunite#and then the citadel explodes#man. he would ABSOLUTELY think gordon was just fucking killed then.#and when he STILL survives... just. imagine this with me.#im ill. i am so very very ill#freehoun#half life#dimond speaks
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never wishing upon my female mortal enemies to fall in love with your straight girl bsf as it is actually another way to kill yourself
#i fell in love with her again#i think#shes the first and onlt person ive ever been in love with#i was there through every man giving her advice to move on why wont she move on to me#ok im done talking so sorry guys my day started out rlly bad bcuz of the yuckys#i used to think about her all the time now i feel so normal about her but also like.. not?? idk#i wont cheat on her i wont make her do things i wont suck her toes (like on of her exes) i wont give her anything bad#i wont say bad things behind her back i wont go against her i want to be her gf why wont she let me when will i be pretty enough for her#ugh real life yuri sucks so bad dude#SHE SLEEPS IN MY BED SHE SPENDS ALMOST EVERY NIGHT WITH ME#SHE GETS CLOSE TO ME SOMETIMES AND I WANNA KISS HER i never really felt this way ever#im just gonna keep this post up this is honestly the ONLY place where ill dump all this shit no one needs to know im a little fruity
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(thru tears) guess who just clocked in 👍
#i actually clocked in. half an hour ago but i didn’t mentally clock in#im not ready for the next five and a half hours i feel like shit man!!!!!!!!!! i just wanna go back to bed#:(
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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Finishing the Dark Knight and cannot stop laughing: Nolan's ability to finish a movie is like Sting's ability to finish a song.
#it just goes on and on and on with a slow gradual fadeout#it was the same issue in dunkirk#i get it finishing beloved things is so very hard you're like what last bit of preach can i squeeze in here? was it sufficiently hammered i#i have moments of *total* absorption and breathlessness then slammed in the face with this weird stiff dialogue; nolan does *so well* -#-in those mad sequences with next to no dialogue#kidlet has committed to watching the nolan back catalogue with me so expect random nolan commentary for a bit while we mother-son bond#even kid was going 'why are they still talking??? didn't this movie finishhhhh? i wanna watch tmnt'#i am attempting to build myself up to nolan's cm vehicle because it ain't my usual taste#you could parody a nolan film in a skit of a triumphal ending that just doesn't end. i feel like i've seen this before#load blown man you can't stay in there forever#makes movies instead of sex#such a sexless movie the dark knight. like the most physical chemistry was between joker and dent#even batman's weird idolisation of dent was so marble-statue pure of course the man could only live up to it while safely dead#the second-most physical chemistry was between fox and alfred and they don't even share a scene together#'not my diagnosis' what did nolan offer to get cm out of bed for that one
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why did glowing mushroom mixins go up to 4.5m, the update literally changed nothing. they last exactly as long, do the same thing, and are crafted with the same materials 😭
#man dont make me craft all that myself just to save a few coins. i crafted one once. it is TEDIOUS that was horrible i hated it#at least i have 2 brewed god pots left but i wanna keep one if i can since they dont exist anymore lol#anyways i am going to bed soon i am tired and sore from work today so i cant stay up as late as i was hoping >:(#20% to fishing 45 SOON SOON GOOD ARMOR SOON !!!#im almost fishing 50... what the hell do i do after that-#FORAGE??? i'll die#back on that extremely slow dungeons grind i guess kjfhkg#ehh i always have lil things to do here and there. but i like leveling skills i miss it :'(#the pain of having nearly maxed skills#you couldnt pay me to start a new profile tho i dont like early game lmao#bingo is on THIN ice#chat#sb
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i love the idea of aki being really strong without seeming like it especially because of his uniform. manhandling or carrying someone with ease and not breaking a sweat. you never really pay too much attention to it until he rolls up his sleeves and you see his forearms or hands. im drooling.
he definitely doesn't look like it. even when he's out of uniform, he's on the leaner side, he isn't crazy muscular. but aki is a lot stronger than he appears, much more than anyone gives him credit for.
dont forget that he regularly beats up guys from division 2 in boxing matches without even trying... he's really quite tough....
#the way that the guy he's fighting is 2x more muscular than him#but aki still beats him with ease#god aki in these panels.... I'm....... I'M......#the low cut tank top..... his shoulders and arms... his collarbones#you can't see me right now but I'm on the ground slamming my fists and crying and choking and sobbing and frantically spasming#aki please I want you#he's so cool and hot#we're going all night I don't care if the bed breaks we aren't stopping#I wish we got to see more scenes of aki fighting#him fighting katana man is one of my favorite scenes in the manga#but I also like how even though aki is pretty tough#the devils in this world are just so powerful that regular humans can't stand a chance against them#please I want animated tank top aki soon.......#I wanna bite him all over#I like lean aki#aki who is strong and you can feel his muscle when you touch him but he really doesn't look like it#I've talked about it extensively but if he's using a sword a lot the strongest parts of him would be his shoulders and his back#ok I need to stop talking#ask mags#aki <3
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hehe. crackling
#just me hi#hey do your ears crackle and get kind of uncomfortable when people yell lol#sometimes regular loud noises do it but not really#it started happening like a year or so ago and blahh hfh#and then like a chill goes down from my ears to the back of my neck ? it's weird man#do i probably know why that is? yea lmao. do i wanna speculate anyway? Yes it's fun ehehehehegh :33#the fairies dropped some dust on my bed during one visit and now it makes my ears itchy on the inside i guess#the ocean is whispering but reception is poor#old tissue paper from some birthday some years ago is still hangin around#tv static lives in my head and goes for walks sometimes :)#the characters stored inside are opening their packages#Thought Blender 3000 (Guaranteed Blending (Max Puree)) has been invoked#my neurons are playing musical chairs#brain is doin a little jig#the possibilities... Endless.........#//anywhoooo i have GOT to write#not because i have to but because i Need to. you understand#so i'm going to see which part of the universe will decide No. Not Now when i start hbvfhs :3#let's seee#ofc i'm going to reblog a handful of things beforehand though. it's just the way things are done lol :33#toooooodles :>>
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today i had this Vivid memory flash through my mind of kissing my ex boyfriend (this was like 2018) and i felt so viscerally fucking revolted and I gotta say. it is truly impressive that I didn’t realise I’m a lesbian sooner than fucking half a year ago
#z talks#like the misidentifying as ace was Inevitable i think. that was due to repression that realising i didnt like men would not have fixed#(context: id’d as bi ace like. i wanna say 2016/17-2021/22 sometime and then went into ace and Questioning)#remember the time i really solidly settled on being aro because ‘romance has never not felt like a chore and putting on a facade’#babe no thats because your most recent and also singular long term relationship was with a Man#and thats the only one youre looking back on#its so funny how i dated a guy and it was so thoroughly Meh that i just didnt feel like pursuing anything romantic for a very long time#(A REACTION I HAD NOT HAD AFTER MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS WITH GIRLS)#And DIDN’T somehow consider that maybe I just Didn’t Like Guys#its nothing i grieve or feel sad about dw its honestly mostly funny to look back on#no wrongs were committed and i dont hold a grudge against the guy it was just me being confused and compheted#(…which is also a weird word to apply because at the time i identified and was out to my friends as a trans guy Binary.#This Was Also Wrong.)#was a weird time man. a truly weird time#anyway. all is well i have now been on 2 dates with a really cute girl and she gave me tulips <3#as part of a Care Delivery bc i had a Migraine and No Painkillers Or Snacks#get well flowers <333333#and now i dream of kissing her under the moonlight#With the uh. Hornetposting lately it May seem unlikely but yes I DO interact with real women! Romantically!#They coexist Wonderfully <3#Anyway. I’m gonna go to bed#Realising that im a lesbian solved all my identity problems including my fucking gender which is just fantastic#I am very happy and whenever I think of being a lesbian it grounds me to reality a little bit stronger and i go yeah. Yeah.
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#was gonna pierce my lip but I realized I lost all the caps to my barbell piercings and I didn't even realize. I'm so fuckin mad#now I have to get more#idk if I can just get the screw on heads. idk what mm size they are#anyway. bone broth is successful. it's been slow cooking all day and looks and smells good. it's gonna make for hella nutritious soup base.#also I've been hunting down Spanish vocab audio because that's how I learn best.#listening to more language transfer and adding music to my Spanish playlist.#still definitely not conversational but my comprehension is going up quite a bit.#I had a grumpy Russian man come through my lane today and the desire to communicate better was so strong.#I just wanna learn all the languages.#I just need to find more resources that work for my brain.#I have a Spanish vocab book and I hardly touch it. duolingo sucks for me. I hate Rosetta Stone.#but there's resources out on the internet I just have to find them and use them.#there's a few good ones on Spotify I've found. as much as I hate Spotify conceptually for music artists it's still a resource I can use.#as much as I don't wanna apply for new jobs I don't wanna work in the same place next year when we move.#I still really wanna try food service. my speech has gotten way better and my stutter is almost never present#so job interviews should be way easier to pull off. I hope. I really hope.#I really wanna get back into nursing but idk if we're moving early enough for me to get into a cna certification class for spring semester.#I really should email the local community college and find out if I can pull off a late start or jump into a class already partway through.#I could look that up right now actually. find out when classes start there and how much I would be missing.#because I've passed the certification before it shouldn't be hard to jump in partway through I think.#hah. I'm so competent. I just looked up the information right now. there's an adult education center where I'm moving that offers the course#but not until halfway through spring.#so I could work food service for the spring and then switch to cna after.#I'm medicated so it's entirely possible and feasible. I have the ability.#hmmm. if I'm going into nursing maybe I should reconsider the lip piercing? hmmmm.#I can just let it heal over if it's an issue.#plenty of time between now and then.#anyway I'm going to bed good night.#well. maybe going to bed.
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