#i just think it's strange that after graduating i never saw 98% of the people i went to school with again

[notanotherinfjblog]

The types as strangers I wish I had known (version 4)

Previous versions: One, two, three

INTJ: She was the first person to show me kindness in a new place. Moving across the country all alone in the middle of a pandemic is not exactly the ideal start of your first real job. So she took it all on herself to take me by the hand, to organise all the things that I had no clue about. She gave me a little tour around the workplace, recommended me places to eat once the pandemic is over, asked me about how I was settling in, remembered little things I mentioned. She was the only person not working from home when I first arrived and so it was just the two of us. She was quiet and reserved as most people here seem to be, and she was awkward in every way when interacting with me. But she tried so hard and maybe it’s just me projecting, but she said her son was in the very same situation as me right now, and it felt like she tried to help me in the way she couldn’t help her son, like she wanted to take me under her wing, but not make it awkward, and then actually making it slightly awkward in doing so. Her heart just felt warm and so did mine when I said thank you.

ENTJ: Everyone knows the classic character of a self-righteous doctor in a hospital show. You know that one. The one that everyone thinks may be hard-working and clever, but heartless and uncaring and egocentric, but a few episodes down the line you start to see that there is more going on underneath the rude attitude. I’ve always believed this to be a stereotypical depiction that is more of a caricature until I met her. She was a doctor at a hospital I stayed in, and damn, she was just like that. She stormed into the rooms, rolled her eyes at a patient whose German was bad, even though she had a thick accent herself, couldn’t be bothered to commit to polite standards of communication like saying hello or thanks, and she didn’t care to wait for just a second when a nurse was in her way and pushed her aside instead. Especially two young nurses were exasperated with her and complained about her as soon as she stormed out of the room. They really made me feel like I had gotten myself into a hospital show as a patient, it was fantastic. And I have to say, even though this young doctor had all of these flaws, she was the only one that actually talked to the patients and explained what was going on, hell she even talked to that woman’s daughter on the phone for a few minutes because the woman didn’t understand the language. Just like on tv, she may have been rude, but at least she seemed like a good doctor.

INTP: My university department held a conference and I was responsible for making sure that all these professors and PhD students didn’t die from their coffee cravings, so I spent most of my time running around with giant coffee cans. And I have to admit, among all the scientists that were roaming the halls, I couldn’t help but stare at him. He was a PhD student from the Netherlands and there was just something about him that did not fit in. You know how professors are often a bit eccentric or strange by normal standards (which explains why we had to explain to an unspeakable amount of them how a coffee can works), so you’d imagine he’d fit right in. But he didn’t. He was his own universe. While everyone was networking, he was studying the research posters in silence. Not because he was too shy, he seemed very comfortable in his own skin. He just didn’t seem to care all that much about other people. I got to listen to a few talks and as he sat in front of me, I saw him play a video game. At an international conference. With professors and colleagues sitting behind him. And he still managed to ask intelligent questions about the talk afterwards. No idea how. Part of me wished I could have talked to him, not because he was cute though he was, but rather because I really could not tell you what kind of person he was. Was he a good person? A bad one? Probably something in-between. But I don’t think my opinion would have fazed him all that much, since to me, he seemed like the kind of person that valued his own opinion on himself the most, and I think that’s a good thing that he’s got there.

ENTP: I had just moved to a different city in a completely different part of the country, and I had just gotten back from my first walk around town. Sounds exciting, but I got back to this unfamiliar flat that I was supposed to call home now and I was panicking. So I stepped out on the balcony hoping the cold air and the stars above could calm my nerves. But it wasn‘t them that did. I stood there in the dark and saw an elderly couple in the parking lot. The woman was in a very similar mental state as me. She was running around their car and was talking about all the things they still had to take care of and things they‘d need, but had forgotten, and her voice got higher and shakier with every word. And then her husband just went and hugged her. She kissed him goodbye three times and every time she did, he let out a little laugh, calm and gentle. He pat her on the back and said that everything was going to be okay, that they would see each other again tomorrow. She kissed him goodbye one last time before she drove away, and I stood there alone in the dark and thanked the universe that I was there at the right time to hear this old man‘s words. For some reason he always seems to appear every time I‘m feeling low and strikes up a little chat with me. And every time he leaves, I have already forgotten what I was sad about.

INFJ: I think everyone pursuing an academic career has this one hero, this one scientist that lit the spark in their heart to dedicate their life to science just like them. I know I have one. So when I started an internship at his lab with one of his colleagues, I didn‘t really expect to meet him. I had seen him around once in a while, yes, but who was I to approach a stranger to tell him what his work meant to me? But then came the plenary meeting that was meant to get more people of the lab to get to know one another - and he approached me. He sat down next to me, asked me about my academic past and future, asked about my current project with his colleague. And I still can‘t believe it. Only a little girl singing in the church choir who is suddenly approached by Beyoncé can hope to imagine what it felt like. He was an internationally renowned scientist, he would have had every reason to look down on the rest of us. Many of them certainly do. But here he was, talking to a little intern from abroad. He was such a genuinely nice person, was sweet and slightly awkward, he even mirrored my weird head nodding that I always do when all the words have left me. He felt like a kindred spirit. I didn‘t tell him what these few minutes talking to him meant to me though part of me wishes that I did, yet still he invited me to the meetings of his research team even though I was not a part of it. And when I came and sat down, he turned around, smiled at me and turned away again, and I can‘t tell you how insane it feels that all of this actually happened.

ENFJ: I’ve written about him before and I will write about him forever. I remember the day our eyes first met in that crowded school corridor almost half of my life ago. I don’t know why neither of us could look away that day, why neither of us could ever look away again from this day on. Somehow our eyes always found each other. I remember the snowy day at the train station so many years later, how he stood there alone in the cold and how he slowly walked towards me, his eyes glued to his feet that abruptly stopped right next to mine. And yet he stayed silent. As did I. So we stood there for an hour waiting for our train, quickly averting our eyes every time they came close to meeting. I remember him looking back at me over his shoulder once we got off the train. He seemed quite flustered that I was about to find out that he had parked his car right next to mine and so he fled. Both of us kept parking our cars next to each other, even when we didn’t see each other for months. But I could never follow him out. He was my own personal mystery. I spent countless nights staring at the ceiling wondering what it was, this strange thing that was going on between us, this little secret that we shared, and I wondered who he really was inside, not who he pretended to be in front of his friends. He was like an island in their midst, always a bit detached, always tucked away behind a smile. Soon twelve years will have passed and still we’ve never spoken a word, but somehow these dark brown eyes still feel more familiar than my own, these eyes that always seemed to look right into my soul. I could have stared at them my whole life. I honestly have no idea what it is that is tying me to him, what it is that I felt back then and what I’m feeling right now. Maybe I’ll never know. I haven’t seen him in three years, but I know our paths will cross again some day. I can feel it in my bones. This story is not over yet. Maybe then we’ll finally be ready to meet properly. Maybe then we’ll finally be able to speak. 

INFP: I happened to stand at the window when I saw the new postman approach our letterbox, and so I watched him throw letters and magazines inside - and stop. He moved his head closer to the box and a frown appeared on his face. He backed off, wanted to leave, came back again and didn’t seem to know what he was supposed to do. So he rang the doorbell. As I opened the door, there he was, shy and with slight panic in his eyes. “I’m so sorry”, he said. “There is a sign on your letterbox that you don’t want advertisements, but I saw that too late and I had already thrown it in. I’m terribly sorry. I can’t get it out of the box and so I thought, I should ask if that’s alright.” And my heart just went awwww, that’s adorable. I smiled at him and told him that it was absolutely fine. He seemed so relieved. So he went away and I closed the door.

ENFP: This is for the man with the kind, but heartbreakingly sad eyes who sometimes sits in front of the train station silently begging for money. This is for the grandparents who spent their train ride trying to teach their little grandchildren the numbers from one to five. This is for the old woman who always kneels down in the middle of the train station with her forehead pressed to the ground, keeping still for hours, enduring the devastation of thousands of people passing by without stopping. This is for the woman who knelt down next to a homeless man, who took his hand and asked how she could help him. This is for the man who made faces at the little boy sitting next to him on the train to make him laugh. This is for the anger I felt when I saw the distraught face of a 10-year-old boy coming out of the movie „1917“ at the cinema with his father. This is for the happy little puppy who lives next to the bakery where I usually grab my lunch. This is for the twenty people who decided to all speak a foreign language during a meeting with each other just because I was there too, a total stranger they had never even seen before who is bad at their native language. This is for the creep that asked me in the middle of the street at night to accompany him. This is for the two teenagers who went to buy sandwiches and coffee for a homeless woman. This is for the families I often see sitting at the train stations, sometimes with a baby in their arms, holding a sign saying „Syrian family. We are hungry, help us please.“ This is for the man who yelled at his girlfriend because she gave them some money. This is for the people who play music during everyone‘s morning commute on the train. This is for all the people who approached me speaking in French and started to laugh when I apologised for not being very good at it. This is for Paris, in all its beauty and all its ugliness. This is for humanity, in all its beauty and ugliness.

ISTJ: He was sitting alone on the train, looking out of the window while listening to something with headphones. He was a tall guy in his mid-20s, one with a full beard, long brown hair in a neat ponytail, and a t-shirt of some rock band that I had never heard of. So, I was sitting there, three meters away, minding my own business, when I suddenly heard a giggle. The entire car of the train had been quiet all this time as it usually is, so I looked up and saw this guy trying to contain his laughter. He pressed the lips together, scratched his nose in order to inconspicuously cover his mouth. I don’t know where this sudden burst of laughter came from. Maybe he was listening to an audio book and reached a funny part. Maybe he was listening to a voice message of a funny friend. Maybe he just had a very amusing thought, I don’t know. But I’ve always had a soft spot for people who randomly start laughing in public and get embarrassed about it cause it’s always, always adorable.

ESTJ: She was a PhD student at my university and she was the one who mainly organised the conference that the above mentioned INTP was attending, too. And even though she didn‘t get tired of complaining about how much work this all was, how typical it was of her boss to volunteer to hold the conference at our university and then not lifting a single finger, she was like a fish in the water, not out of it. She observed everything and everyone, immediately recognised little problems or things that could become a problem, she was constantly running around checking everything, and she kept so many things in mind, it was impressive. One of the attendees sat in a wheelchair and as soon as she noticed, she made us rebuild the entire cafeteria immediately so that everything was reachable for her. And in all the running around, all the obligatory smalltalk, all the stress, she still found the time to stand with us student helpers and joke around.

ISFJ: It was 6pm on a Friday afternoon when all of Paris was trying to get home in the middle of a train strike, so the trains that did run were even more crowded than usual. I did not enjoy sharing 5 square metres with almost 40 other people. But then he entered the train and stood right next to me, leaning against the doors without moving, looking like an intellectual in gangster clothes. We were surrounded by noise of people talking and of rails screaming, by strangers breathing onto our skin, and he just stood there unfazed by it all. He radiated calmness like I‘ve never seen anyone do before. Soon it reached me too, filled me up and left no place for any distress or anxiety. He was like an island in the storm that grew and grew and grew until all of the 40 people around him were safe. I felt safe. I don‘t think he has even the faintest clue about how special he is, but I feel like it has been a privilege to have crossed paths with him.

ESFJ: Did you ever meet someone who, on first glance, looks like the perfect example of a jock, just a short guy with bigger arms than he’s tall? But then you look again, take a closer look at him and you realise that his face has goodness written all over it. He may be horribly bad at grammar for a linguistics student and he may be a bit too sensitive for his own good, but he never made it a secret of how much of a sweetheart he really is. And in situations like these, when he talks about how emotional he got as a tutor when his student told him about a dying grandfather because he felt responsible for the student’s wellbeing, in situations like these, when he approaches my friend after a class to apologise for his harsh criticism of her presentation and to tell her that he didn’t mean it that way, to which she gets all confused because she didn’t take the slightest offence to anything he has ever said in his entire life and he mumbles that he may have to stop beating himself up about stuff like this, I just want to give him a hug and never let go. 

ISTP: I saw her on the metro during rush hour in Paris, and I immediately noticed her to be different. Everyone else always only stares at their phones or into space, everyone else always look like a tired zombie. She was not a zombie. She was leaning against the doors, shaking her leg in the rhythm of the music she was listening to. She was short and skinny, and not even her punk boots could hide that, but there was such a confidence shining out of her, a confidence in who she was that made her look like a giant. She looked like she‘s probably had it rather rough in life, but it didn‘t break her. She rose to the adversity, rose in spite of it all. She seemed to be capable of so many things. Intelligent enough to go into science if she ever wanted to, vicious enough to end someone who ever dared to cross her, warm enough to love deeply and with all her heart if she let it.

ESTP: It was a hot day and far hotter than a September afternoon ever should be. I was stuck in a traffic jam in the city, melting in my car as were so many others, waiting for that red light to finally turn green. And then he came, a young guy in an ugly shirt and with a hat on his head. He started to cross the street, but then stopped right there in the middle. And he started to juggle. In the middle of a traffic jam on a Friday afternoon, he juggled. Just before his green light turned to red, he bowed down to the cars a few times, and then jumped to the sidewalk and left. Thanks, mate, you enigmatic juggling traffic hero.

ISFP: I met him at a wedding. He was a bald man in his 70s with thick horn glasses and probably the most intimidating person I’ve ever met. Not because he was mean, but because he was so confident in himself and so observant. His gaze constantly changed direction. He took everything in that happened around him, he didn’t miss a single thing that was going on, and still he was calm and sure of himself that everyone at our table felt like they had to impress him in some way. Just by looking at him you knew he must have lived an extraordinary life and he really did. He liked talking about himself. He talked about living in the American desert, on a mediterranean island, in a Buddhist monastery, and on a cruise ship. He talked about the smell of the desert at night, about the taste of oranges picked from a tree. He talked about the people he met, about professors and musicians, about cooks and monks. He talked about how much his village loved him. But he also liked listening to others talk about their own lives. It was obvious that he treated life as an experience, as a journey that cannot be planned or imagined, only lived. When we said goodbye, he looked me right in the eye and told me that he thinks it’s great what I’m doing with my life and that he’s looking forward to meeting me again some day. It felt a bit like receiving praise from a deity. 

ESFP: He was a nurse in the accident and emergency department at the hospital and the first person to talk to me while I was waiting in front of an examination room. He was only passing by with a colleague, but he stopped the conversation when he saw me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Aw, sugarmouse, what happened to you?”, was the first thing he said to me. You know, if an unknown man in his 50s is coming towards you and calls you “sugarmouse”, you’re usually not exactly happy, but he was just an overwhelmingly non-threatening guy that called all of the nurses and doctors by kitschy nicknames and radiated warmth wherever he went. He had noticed that I was nervous, and so he came to me and tried to gently put my mind at ease and I was really grateful for it.

[victoriousscarf]

You mentioned some time ago that you have moved a lot to find job after you graduated. I find it inspiring considering where I am now in my life. I sometimes think about moving to a new place and seek a new start but have never found the courage to actually do so. How do you make friend in a complete strange city/state? How do you move your furniture (mattress, books, etc) across the country?

Well...

First of all, wherever you are and what your plans end up being, good luck!

I have done some absolutely crazy moves over the past few years and I (so far) have managed to land okay every time despite the absolute hell of stress moving is. My last move I plopped down the entire deposit and cat fee and first months rent sight unseen while still halfway across the country and it's turned out remarkably okay for me (tho I don't recommend that as a rule). One time I moved with four days warning (like I knew I was moving but I got the "go" to actually start Tuesday morning ... Friday afternoon and booked my flight to get down there for Saturday morning, bought a car Monday, and was at work on Tuesday).

I'm saying this to prove that a) I'm insane so this may or may not work for folks but also b) despite stories like this it's always worked out so far. So while moving is scary and stressful as long as you're careful and do some research... You can do it. Seriously I've done things I never ever imagined I would and once you do it the first time I think you can prove to yourself you can keep doing it.

Also I've found most of the time if you're moving for work, somebody is gonna have some good ideas for housing or whatever, and I've always found my soon to be co workers helpful if I have questions about like where in town I should move and other services like that, so reach out and see what you get back. (I asked one supervisor about housing and got, I swear to God, an excel spreadsheet back of places other people have lived and pros and cons of each place. Really obvious that was a workplace of type a personalities).

But! You asked specifically about moving and friends.

The bad news is... My books are to this day still at my parents house. My dad is using them as his zoom background and getting many compliments. I also admit I have ditched more furniture than I care to mention at this point. Like I have my great grandma's dresser and that's also still at the parents house, because I'm lucky enough they're letting me store stuff there. Not everyone will have this. I have several friends who've either put things into storage (one friend just condensed her storage she had across three states into storage in one state ... Across the country from where we're working right now) and some who have simply ... Gotten rid of things. One friend got rid of 98% of her stuff at one point, including ditching her childhood teddy bear and I admit I couldn't live like that. I'm way too sentimental.

But the bad news is moving is expensive. There's things like pods now where you can pack up your pod and someone else takes care of trucking it across country and I'm a big fan of that, but it is not cheap. Or of course there's renting a u-haul truck yourself and going for it.

The other thing is, I've slept on air mattresses for like a month at a time. Ikea is your friend for cheap but will last more than 4 months furniture when you first move. Thrift stores, buy sell and swap pages, and co workers cleaning out their houses are all excellent resources for when you've landed in a new place What you try and take with you is gonna depend on your priorities.

As for making friends ... I've been lucky that I don't usually work at for-profit businesses. I usually work for a government or non-profit and while that may be a weird statement to make, it means most of my co workers have generally been passionate, interesting people, and no one goes into public service for a payday. I saw a post recently saying you shouldn't be friends with co workers because you don't know what they'll tell your bosses and maybe but... I have found many great and amazing and lasting friendships that started at work. It's not always gonna be the case, but it can be the case and I think you should leave yourself (carefully) open to it. Don't trust easily by any means, but take the time to get to know people.

It helps to leave yourself open to friendships with people outside of your age group/class group/whatever group, if you don't naturally do that. Some of my favorite people are the badass older women I know. And it helps to not judge people (which may be getting too philosophical). One friend was this older woman who had just gone through a terrible divorce and was partially disabled and could not, for the life of her, figure out computers. A lot of people sorta rolled their eyes at her or didn't help her, but I would sit with her and walk her through what seemed like really basic computer stuff, but it was a big deal to her. She sent me a care package when I moved. Being nice to people can go a huge way.

So I guess some basic advice is:

By open to friendships in weird places or from people you wouldn't expect.

Consider joining a hobby group because there are probably other people who want to find friends who maybe moved too.

Consider if you can, volunteering somewhere. Volunteering can help you find people who care about the same stuff you do, and it can help you meet other people sometimes in the course of whatever you're doing.

Real, deep friendships take time and it isn't easy. Personally I have a high threshold for being lonely (it takes me a long time to feel lonely) and my dad once described me as "self contained." So I don't mind waiting, and I have all my friends in different places I stay in contact with. Moving by yourself can be big and scary and yeah, lonely, but the reality is a lot of other people are doing it too. They're gonna want friends too. Or even people who have never once moved but are looking around for friends and companionship. Not everyone has settled down and gotten married and had kids, so take the time to put yourself out there. It of course also depends on where you go, because there are definitely some insular little towns out there who don't take kindly to outsiders, but I don't think that's the norm.

Like you've already taken a truly bonkers, huge risk just by moving, so making friends is just taking some other, smaller risks to put yourself out there and see who else is just looking around.

Like seriously one of my friends now is my car neighbor in our parking lot (because we have assigned spaces). She's older, divorced, has moved around a lot too, and keeps trying to feed me while watching Jane Austen movies. She's smart, funny, and we never would have met if we weren't assigned next door parking spaces.

So yeah this got ramblely about like... Moving in general. Friends are hard no matter where you are, so moving is just about making a new start and seeing what happens. And it's expensive to move stuff, but it's not cheap to replace it either, so it depends on what you can do, and how willing you are to let go of some things.

But mostly it just takes some courage to fling yourself into the unknown. Once that step is down, I think at some point the rest just had to follow.

[nostalgiaispeace]

2232.

1. What is your favorite shade of blue? dark 2. When’s the last time you bought something just because? lol never 3. What Ozzy lyric describes you best? - 4. When was the last time you went for a walk without a specific destination in mind? idk 5. Do you daydream? always

6. What was your last daydream about? well i’m not telling thei nternet 7. Ever won the lottery? lol no 8. How much did you get for your high school graduation? i don’t remember 9. What was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most? idk 10. Do you know what your Chinese horoscope is? hmmm i might 11. What is love really about? nothing i can describe right now while i’m exhausted 12. What’s the most you ever made in a year? lol 13. Do you have an online diary? no 14. What’s the biggest pot you’ve won in poker? I’ve never played poker. 15. What’s your most prized possession? my frog 16. What Metallica lyric most describes your life? - 17. Ever been to Ozzfest? no 18. How many concerts have you been to? a lot 19. Which one was your favorite? lana del rey 20. What shade of purple most describes your feelings right now? none 21. Pick a shade of a color. Now describe it to me and name it. light 22. Sun tea or brewed tea? brewed 23. What’s the most illegal thing you’ve done? drugs 24. Ever get busted by the cops? What for? No. 25. What’s under your bed? my cat 26. Vacuum or dustbuster? Vacuum. 27. How many people are on your buddy list? lol 28. How many pairs of rollerblades do/did you own? none 29. Ever wear out a CD? What was it? yeah. britney spears 30. What’s your favorite card game? solitare 31. Who was the most annoying person you’ve talked to on the phone? idk 32. What’s your favorite fast food meal? chick fil a nuggets and mac and cheese 33. Where is the best restaurant you’ve ever eaten in at? idk 34. Lamb chops or pork chops? Neither. 35. How many roses have you received/given? idk 36. When’s the last time you mowed the lawn? years ago 37. Washed your car? years ago 38. Ever have a tornado in your town? not since i’ve lived here — 40. What state is your wardrobe in? fine 41. What’s the last article of clothing you bought? sweats 42. How many trash cans can you see right now? One. 43. If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? I don’t know. 44. Ever heard of Shinedown? Yeah. 45. They rock, don’t they? sure 46. What size is your bed? queen 47. When’s the last time you had pigs in a blanket? not that long ago actually 48. Have you ever painted the ceilings in your home? no 49. What does your lawn furniture consist of? lawn chairs 50. Ever live off of canned soup and ramen noodles for weeks at a time? no 51. What flavor of jelly are you? strawberry 52. Ever take any of those online personality quizzes? yeah 53. What musical group/artist do you love, but hide from other people? none 54. What’s on the floor in your bedroom? Nothing. 55. What is the first meal you remember eating? idk 56. Ever been to a drive in? no 57. What was the first movie you ever saw? i don’t remember 56. What’s in your keepsake box/scrapbook? so many things 57. Describe your first date. idk 58. Would you recognize most of your classmates 5 years after graduation? sure 59. What percentile of your class were you in? I have no idea. 60. When was the last time it rained while the sun was shining? I don’t recall. 61. What did you score on your SATs? i don’t remember 62. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? it’s been a bit 63. Name your favorite artist/song from before 1990. zeppelin 64. Do you think there should be new genres of music to encompass some of the newer rock performers out now? no 65. What colors is your lava lamp? - 66. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever hung on the wall? I haven’t hung up anything strange. 67. When’s the last time you did laundry? todayy 68. How many hammers do you own? one 69. Can you name every place you’ve ever had sex? yes 70. How many speakers are in your bedroom? none 71. DVD or VHS? dvd 72. What’s the most important thing you ever lost and never found again? idk 73. What forms of birth control have you used? pill and implant 74. How many webpages have you created, and can you still find them all? no 75. You have .30 in two coins. One of them is not a nickel. What are they? uh 76. What’s your pet peeve when cleaning the house? um all of it 77. Do you use sponges or dishcloths when doing the dishes? sponges 78. How many people are in your family portrait? three 79. How many times have you moved? too many times 80. Handcuffs or rope :D? Neither. 81. What season best describes your temperament? winter 82. What’s the last thing you had to drink? diet coke 83. Ever been so drunk you blacked out? no 84. What’s your favorite song on the top twenty right now? idk. 85. What do your light fixtures look like? uh normal 86. How many jobs have you held for more than a month? 4 87. Ever punched a wall? yes 88. When’s the last time you really lost your temper? It’s been a long time. 89. How do you cope? i cry 90. What’s your antidrug? idk 91. Ever grown any plants before? What were they? Nope. 92. Ever own a director chair? No. 93. When was the last time you camped out? when i was a kid 94. Went swimming? years ago 95. Went fishing? lol 96. Oust or Glade and why? Glade. 97. Ever thought you (or a girlfriend) were pregnant, but it was a false alarm? yes 98. If 97 is yes, were you glad or sad? well i was pregnant so i was happy 99. Do you have a red-eye mouse or one with a ball? none 100. What do your doorstops look like? - 101. What was the last conversation you had with someone before they died? i don’t remember 102. What do your drinking glasses look like? they’re just solid colors 103. How many bottles/containers are in your medicine cabinet? a lot 104. How many funerals have you been to? a lot 105. How many states have you been to? a lot

106. What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? a wasp 107. What does your country need right now? sanity 108. Are you creative? not really 109. How so? – 110. How many computers in your household? Two. 111. Ever help to solve a crime? No. 112. Who is in the picture frame on your bedside table? - 113. How many CDs does your player hold? - 114. What is one thing you’d like to do before you die? go to england 115. Do the good die young or do they die before they have a chance to be bad? um both suck 116. What’s your favorite totally cliche’ saying? everything happens for a reason 117. Ever go out of your way to exact revenge on someone? no 118. Was it worth it? - 119. Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? no 120. What’s the weather like right now? HOT 121. What was your first legal alcoholic drink? vodka 122. Do you have a door/doorknob to your room? Yes. 123. Name one thing you regret? lol so many 124. Ever get published by one of those poetry groups? no 125. What’s the furthest distance you’ve moved? states away 126. How many friends from high school/college do you still talk to? a few

127. Where is your home/heart right now? here 128. What’s the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? idk 129. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? my car 130. How many hangers are in your closet? a lot 131. If you died right now, would you feel cheated or happy? happy 132. How many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide? a few 133. Ever spent the night in the “loony bin?” yes 134. What’s wrong with society? lol so much 135. How many crazy ice cream trucks are in your area? none really 136. What is your favorite cover song? i have a lot 137. Does the weather ever seem to reflect your mood eerily? no 138. Are you more psychic than most people? lol no 139. What’s your inspiration? my daughter 140. What’s the longest relationship you’ve been in? the one i’m in now for 8 years 141. Did you ever drop out of school? college 142. Ever raise a child that wasn’t your own for more than 3 months? No. 143. What is your favorite piece of jewelry? wedding band 144. Ever help someone cheat on someone else? ew no 145. Are you a cheater too? No. 146. What was the last dessert type food you’ve eaten? candy 147. Fill in the blank: I’m a ________aholic. Coffeeholic. 148. When’s the last time you went to a hairdresser/salon? february 149. Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? nothing strange 150. Do you own any appliances? yes 151. Do you have an “egg crate” on your bed? no 153. Last time you went to the laundromat? idk 154. How many hinges are on your front door? I’m not sure. 155. Can I be done yet? yes

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What is your favorite shade of blue? Pastel blue, teal, Tiffany blue, baby blue, powder blue, sky blue, turquoise. 2. When's the last time you bought something just because? I bought some room sprays and hand sanitizers from this place that makes Disneyland/World scented things because I was missing Disney and wanted to bring some of it to my house. 3. What Ozzy lyric describes you best? I only know Crazy Train and I mean, I do feel like I’m on a crazy train. 4. When was the last time you went for a walk without a specific destination in mind? I don’t do that. 5. Do you daydream? Yeah. My mind wanders and I zone out a lot.

6. What was your last daydream about? Random stuff. 7. Ever won the lottery? No, I wish. 8. How much did you get for your high school graduation? I think around $300 and my parents my threw me a nice graduation party. 9. What was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most? Not taking care of/putting off some things and neglecting myself.  10. Do you know what your Chinese horoscope is? Nope. 11. What is love really about? Encouragement, support, growth. 12. What's the most you ever made in a year? I’ve never had a job. 13. Do you have an online diary? You’re lookin’ at it. 14. What's the biggest pot you've won in poker? I’ve never played poker. 15. What's your most prized possession? I love all my things. 16. What Metallica lyric most describes your life? I don’t listen to Metallica. 17. Ever been to Ozzfest? No. I take it you’re an Ozzy fan. 18. How many concerts have you been to? I think I’ve been to 7. 19. Which one was your favorite? All of them were fun, but the Jonas Brothers concerts and the Green Day concert were my favorites. 20. What shade of purple most describes your feelings right now? I don’t know. 21. Pick a shade of a color. Now describe it to me and name it. Nah. 22. Sun tea or brewed tea? My mom used to make sun tea during the summers growing up, which I liked. I haven’t had that since then. Nowadays I just throw a tea bag in a cup of hot water and let it steep for a few minutes.  23. What's the most illegal thing you've done? I haven’t done anything serious. 24. Ever get busted by the cops? What for? No. 25. What's under your bed? Nothing. 26. Vacuum or dustbuster? Vacuum. 27. How many people are on your buddy list? Aw, the days of AIM. 28. How many pairs of rollerblades do/did you own? I’ve never owned a pair of rollerblades. 29. Ever wear out a CD? What was it? No. 30. What's your favorite card game? I like card games like Uno, Apples to Apples, and Cards Against Humanity. 31. Who was the most annoying person you've talked to on the phone? I’m not a fan of talking on the phone in general. 32. What's your favorite fast food meal? Wingstop’s boneless garlic parm and lemon pepper wings with their ranch and a a side of lemon pepper sauce. 33. Where is the best restaurant you've ever eaten in at? This Mongolian BBQ place was my favorite back when I could eat spicy food. 34. Lamb chops or pork chops? Neither. 35. How many roses have you received/given? I’ve never received or given roses. 36. When's the last time you mowed the lawn? Never. 37. Washed your car? I’ve never had a car since I don’t drive. I have participated in several car wash fundraising events for Girl Scouts and the psych club I was in in community college, though. 38. Ever have a tornado in your town? No, thankfully we don’t get tornadoes. --- 40. What state is your wardrobe in? Uh, it’s fine?  41. What's the last article of clothing you bought? A cute Valentine’s Day themed Baby Yoda shirt from Boxlunch. 42. How many trash cans can you see right now? One. 43. If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? Ah, I don’t know. 44. Ever heard of Shinedown? Yeah. 45. They rock, don't they? I only know one of their songs and I don’t really care for it much. 46. What size is your bed? It’s a full. 47. When's the last time you had pigs in a blanket? I have no idea. It’s been several years. I don’t particularly care for those. 48. Have you ever painted the ceilings in your home? No. We haven’t painted anywhere in this house. 49. What does your lawn furniture consist of? We just have a bench in the backyard. 50. Ever live off of canned soup and ramen noodles for weeks at a time? I do have my nightly bowl of ramen, but it’s not the only thing I eat. 51. What flavor of jelly are you? *shrug* 52. Ever take any of those online personality quizzes? I’ve taken several. 53. What musical group/artist do you love, but hide from other people? I don’t hide any of the musical artists or bands that I’m into. 54. What's on the floor in your bedroom? Nothing. 55. What is the first meal you remember eating? Pfft, I have no idea. 56. Ever been to a drive in? Yeah, a few times. I wish those would make a big comeback. 57. What was the first movie you ever saw? I don’t remember. 56. What's in your keepsake box/scrapbook? I don’t have like a designated box and I don’t have a scrapbook, but I’ve kept a lot of things throughout my life and a ton of photos all stored away in various places.  57. Describe your first date. It was dinner and a movie. 58. Would you recognize most of your classmates 5 years after graduation? Not from my college graduations. 59. What percentile of your class were you in? I have no idea. 60. When was the last time it rained while the sun was shining? I don’t recall. 61. What did you score on your SATs? I never took the SATs. 62. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? It’s been several years. 63. Name your favorite artist/song from before 1990. I have many favorites. 64. Do you think there should be new genres of music to encompass some of the newer rock performers out now? I don’t know, man. 65. What colors is your lava lamp? I don’t have a lava lamp. I did have one as a kid, though. I think it was blue. 66. What's the strangest thing you've ever hung on the wall? I haven’t hung up anything strange. 67. When's the last time you did laundry? My laundry was done a few days ago. 68. How many hammers do you own? I don’t personally have any hammers, but my dad does. I could use one of his if I needed to. 69. Can you name every place you've ever had sex? Yeah, nowhere.  70. How many speakers are in your bedroom? My laptop, TV, iPhone, and my Nintendo Switch.  71. DVD or VHS? I just watch movies through a streaming service. 72. What's the most important thing you ever lost and never found again? Myself? Lost her a few years ago...still haven’t found her. 73. What forms of birth control have you used? Abstinence (I’m a virgin). 74. How many webpages have you created, and can you still find them all? I’ve made a few back in the day, but no I don’t remember any of them. 75. You have .30 in two coins. One of them is not a nickel. What are they? One of them is not a nickel, but the other one is.  76. What's your pet peeve when cleaning the house? I don’t enjoy cleaning in general. 77. Do you use sponges or dishcloths when doing the dishes? We use a dish washing brush. 78. How many people are in your family portrait? Four. 79. How many times have you moved? A few, but only once that I’m old enough to remember. 80. Handcuffs or rope :D? Neither. 81. What season best describes your temperament? Whatever one best goes along with irritability and moodiness. 82. What's the last thing you had to drink? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink. 83. Ever been so drunk you blacked out? No, but parts of my memory from one night when I got too drunk are spotty. 84. What's your favorite song on the top twenty right now? I don’t even know what the top 20 is right now. I haven’t been listening to music.  85. What do your light fixtures look like? I have a ceiling lamp and a floor lamp. 86. How many jobs have you held for more than a month? I haven’t had a job. 87. Ever punched a wall? No. 88. When's the last time you really lost your temper? It’s been a long time. 89. How do you cope? Good question. 90. What's your antidrug? My go-to distractions ASMR, watching YouTube videos, scrolling through Tumblr, checking my social medias, doing surveys, reading, watching TV, coloring, sleeping... 91. Ever grown any plants before? What were they? Nope. 92. Ever own a director chair? No. 93. When was the last time you camped out? Never. I have no interest in camping. 94. Went swimming? It’s been like 7 years now since I last went swimming. 95. Went fishing? I’ve only done it once and very briefly. 96. Oust or Glade and why? Glade.  97. Ever thought you (or a girlfriend) were pregnant, but it was a false alarm? Nope. 98. If 97 is yes, were you glad or sad? -- 99. Do you have a red-eye mouse or one with a ball? I don’t have a mouse, I use the trackpad on my laptop. 100. What do your doorstops look like? Uhh those springy ones. I don’t know how else to describe it. The ones that make a lot of noise if you accidentally bump into it. 101. What was the last conversation you had with someone before they died? I was by my grandpa’s side when he died and I was just telling him how much I loved him, thanked him for everything, and comforted him; letting him know it was okay to go. 102. What do your drinking glasses look like? We have various glasses and mugs. 103. How many bottles/containers are in your medicine cabinet? We don’t have a medicine cabinet, but we have a medicine drawer full of various medications. 104. How many funerals have you been to? Three. 105. How many states have you been to? Five, including my own.

106. What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? A gnat. I just swatted it. 107. What does your country need right now? Unity. 108. Are you creative? I wish I was. I don’t have any creativity, artistic abilities, or good ideas. 109. How so? -- 110. How many computers in your household? Two. 111. Ever help to solve a crime? No. 112. Who is in the picture frame on your bedside table? I don’t have any photos on my bedside table. 113. How many CDs does your player hold? I don’t have a CD player. I haven’t had one in many years. 114. What is one thing you'd like to do before you die? Get my shit together and do something with my life. 115. Do the good die young or do they die before they have a chance to be bad? That seems to imply that everyone ends up bad. 116. What's your favorite totally cliche' saying? Blah. 117. Ever go out of your way to exact revenge on someone? No. I’m not a vengeful person. 118. Was it worth it? I don’t think it would ever be worth it.  119. Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? I don’t even drive, so no. 120. What's the weather like right now? It’s currently 50F. 121. What was your first legal alcoholic drink? Tequila shots. 122. Do you have a door/doorknob to your room? Yes. 123. Name one thing you regret? I have a few regrets. :/ 124. Ever get published by one of those poetry groups? No. I don’t even write poetry. 125. What's the furthest distance you've moved? Across town. 126. How many friends from high school/college do you still talk to? None anymore... 127. Where is your home/heart right now? Right here. 128. What's the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? Many things throughout my life and even still.  129. What's the most expensive thing you've bought? My first MacBook back in 2009.  130. How many hangers are in your closet? Uh, a lot. I’m not counting. 131. If you died right now, would you feel cheated or happy? I haven’t accomplished anything. :/ 132. How many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide? Zero. 133. Ever spent the night in the "loony bin?" Don’t call it that, first of all, and no. 134. What's wrong with society? Ignorance, close-mindedness, greed, hate, violence... 135. How many crazy ice cream trucks are in your area? Uh, I’ve never considered any of them to be crazy. Anyway, lately there’s been an ice cream truck coming through my neighborhood, which is is the first in many years. What a random time, though. 136. What is your favorite cover song? I love the cover of George Michael’s, Fast Love, that Adele performed at an award show after he died in honor of him. I always describe it as hauntingly beautiful. It was just so good. I wish she would have released a studio version of it. 137. Does the weather ever seem to reflect your mood eerily? I’m always moody, so when it’s rainy and gloomy it does. 138. Are you more psychic than most people? I don’t believe in psychic abilities.  139. What's your inspiration? I don’t know. :/ 140. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Whatever it was Joseph and I had lasted 3 years, which is longer than technically the only relationship I had that lasted just a few months. What I had with Joseph felt more like one as well in a lot of ways. 141. Did you ever drop out of school? No. 142. Ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months? No. 143. What is your favorite piece of jewelry? Probably the stuff I have with birthstone.  144. Ever help someone cheat on someone else? Absolutely not. 145. Are you a cheater too? No. 146. What was the last dessert type food you've eaten? I had some mini funfetti muffins yesterday. 147. Fill in the blank: I'm a ________aholic. Coffeeholic. 148. When's the last time you went to a hairdresser/salon? Last February. I’ve over a year due now.  149. Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? I had to wear this thing called a halo, which is a weird thing that gets drilled into the front of your head (I have two tiny circular scars above each eyebrow from that) and on the back are some weights attached to it that hang down. It was put on after my spinal fusion surgery and is meant to keep your back straight and things in place. It was awful. And heavy. When it was removed I had to wear a neck brace for a bit because my neck was weak. 150. Do you own any appliances? Yeah, we have several appliances. 151. Do you have an "egg crate" on your bed? Yes. 153. Last time you went to the laundromat? I remember tagging along as a kid with my grandma before. 154. How many hinges are on your front door? I’m not sure. 155. Can I be done yet? Yeah, I think you’re good.  

[stretfordender]

In the days leading up to the world cup I had what you might call a nineties renaissance. I read All Played Out by Pete Davies, watched One Night in Turin, changed my tumblr url to garylineker, sang World In Motion too many times to count. Tried to get my hands on an Italia ‘90 kit, although that was slightly too expensive.

I wasn’t born, in 1990. Forget understanding football or thinking about identity, I didn’t even exist. And in the twenty-eight years since then my parents got married, I’ve been born, gone to uni, graduated, gotten a job – and England still hadn’t ever gotten close to a world cup semi-final again.

It’s showed, over the years; shit tabloids writing shit takes, fans lashing out, the manager’s job becoming untenable, the players so abused it wasn’t even a moment of pride anymore. People forget that Gareth Southgate wasn’t supposed to be here; Big Sam Allardyce getting sacked led to even more grumbling. There was the group stages of 2014, and Iceland. When Harry Kane was appointed captain I thought oh, dear. Is there nobody else left? No one thought anything of us, not even ourselves.

There is vitriol in supporting England. There is banter and there is pure hatred. Even before this game I saw a billion 'anyone but England’ posts, rooting against us just because, drudging up the colonial past (strangely enough, the meeting of ex-colonial powers France and Belgium was perfectly all right, and I’m sure that if we had made the final, people would still have been rooting for France regardless). People even hate 'it’s coming home’ purely because we have a belter of a song. Like we aren’t allowed to sing to celebrate when every other country is.

So, going into this tournament: young squad, inexperienced manager, some very big teams with very big guns. The usual Ronaldo and Messi hype. I remember the end of the England managers documentary, Henry Winter looking at the camera and saying: if Southgate slips up against Panama –

No one thought we were going to be here four weeks later. No one.

Okay, it’s been a crazy world cup. Big guns falling left and right. And okay, we got the 'easier’ side of the bracket, although how you can call teams that beat Argentina or Mexico 3-0 'easy’ I don’t get. But that doesn’t negate the fact that we came into this, all of us, expecting to lose early. And we didn’t. We outlasted Germany, Spain, Argentina, Portugal, Brazil. We won a penalty shootout for the first time since – I couldn’t even tell you when, and it’s certainly the first time at a world cup. We scored a last-minute goal in our first game. John Stones scored two goals. John Stones!

Every step forward was another fever dream. Every song in the street, it was nearly complete, it was nearly so sweet. (Yes. I did that.) It’s Coming Home was only ever a joke, mind – it’s impossible to explain British humour – but through all the memes we knew what it really meant: the hope and the buoyancy and the people dancing on the streets. Cars honking England chants, people ditching Wimbledon and Justin Timberlake concerts to catch the games, concert organisers panicking because BST was on the same time as the final. The lift football provided even as the country continues to fall apart. The five minutes after Trippier’s goal where everything seemed almost unreal.

We didn’t ever really expect 'it’ to come home – Three Lions is a football song from 1996 and it was written because football was, quite literally, being played in the country where the rules were codified. The phrase referred to a geographical happenstance, not an arrogant declaration, as it seems to have been misread by so many jeerers and naysayers. And even then it doesn’t matter what it means. It was being able to say it four weeks into the world cup that counted.  

And that mood? Four weeks into the world cup? When customarily dirges have already been playing for days and newspapers have been crowning the latest scapegoat (Sterling, I’m sure, this round)? When the St George’s bunting in the supermarkets would have been taken down by now and no one would be talking about football till the league started again?

Instead: still buzzing, still wearing England kits, still painting red and white on your face, still singing, still hoping. Still dreaming. I came to an epiphany recently: the 'no more need for dreaming’ from Three Lions '98 isn’t saying that we don’t need to dream any longer because there’s no point; it’s that we don’t need to dream because we’re so close.

We were so close. We came from nothing we were so close. Everyone thought we were a joke we were so close.

This experience has been one of the best experiences of my life. I never thought we’d be here, still, but this team gave everything – goals, incredible saves, savage blocks, waistcoats – everything and more. This team played like they wanted to win. And when it mattered this nation got behind them, in a way it hasn’t been for a long time. My friend told me a story of seeing an old lady on the tube listening to Three Lions on her phone.

That, to me, is the most important thing. Of course it’d have been better if we’d won. Of course. But when are you going to see something like this again? Arsenal fans declared their love for Spurs players; Spurs fans for Liverpool players; Liverpool fans for United players? People actually thinking all right, now, we’ve a shot, people actually getting excited about international football instead of moaning about friendlies and breaks, players wanting to play for their country instead of trying to squirm out, a manager believing in his lads and making sure they believed in him?

We’ve got one more game to play. I’m sure that the lads are going to go for it like champs. When they come home they’re going to be treated like champs. No one is going to forget the summer of '18 (unless, of course, 2022 happens!); no one is going to forget the wild, mad, defiant, euphoric, roaring journey. No one is going to forget that feeling immediately after Trippier’s free kick.

In 1990, twenty-eight years ago, Pete Davies wrote:

Life, like football, is a game of ninety minutes. You get your span allotted, you do your best – and at the end, you’re all played out.

And though that end be cruel as hell, there’s no one can fault you for trying all you can until it comes.

Well, we’re all played out, but no one can fault this team for trying all they could until it came.  I am only proud and happy that we were here, once, now.

And for all you jeerers and naysayers and critics and skeptics and scoffers and mockers, lean in close and listen hard, because I’ve got one more thing to tell you:

It’s coming home.

[your-brother-crutchie]

Bruises

A sequel to Papà

When Race comes face-to-face with his father once again, their reunion is less than civil.

“Who did this to you?”

Remember the mantra; always busy, never too busy. Even if it takes fifty years.

98. “Hold me back!”

Never be sorry for sending me requests, whether you think you’re “flooding” my inbox or not. I will never find you annoying or irritating. In fact, I will forever be solely grateful.

TW: Homophobic slurs (once again, in Italian) and hospitals

Brushing carefully at his tender nose, Race tried to hide his face from his brother, Dante, as his fingers shook trying to unlock the door to his apartment. He eventually managed to turn the key, pocketing it soon after and pushing the heavy door forward with a harsh wince and a sharp intake of breath.

He held it for Dante, keeping his head down as his little brother tried to look him in the eye on the way passed. It was no wonder that he was worried but Race would really rather just forget about it for the few seconds that he could. There would be no keeping this from Spot, no matter how hard he would try to deter him from asking. Race simply accepted that as he hobbled through the door, closing it gently behind him and turning to see Spot asleep on the sofa. His boyfriend lay, head fallen backwards, with their puppy, Dima, snuggled in his arms and their kitten, Anya, draped lazily around his neck.

They'd adopted them together with only the intention of picking up a puppy. However, they'd been rescued together and when they saw the two cuddling in one of the lots, they couldn't not take them both home.

Dante stood, awkwardly hovering beside a side table as he looked nervously to Race. He wasn't surprised; the last time Dante had seen Spot, he'd been punching his father in the face and had come away with a lot of bruises and a heavy black eye. Dante had promised to visit but it had been almost three months and so much had changed. His parents had been strict about not letting him go anywhere when they thought that there was the possibility that he'd be meeting with Race and Race had moved out of Jojo's house, into an apartment in Brooklyn with Spot.

Limping carefully over to where Spot lay, Race let a gentle smile settle over his features as he took in the sight for a second before snapping out of it. The longer he left it, the madder Spot would be when he eventually did wake up. He lay his hand on the side of Spot's face, leaning down through the pain to press a gentle kiss to Spot's forehead before mumbling against his skin, "Hey, wake up, I'm home."

A bleary-eyed Spot eventually blinked back at him, waking with a soft, "oof," when Dima woke abruptly and began jumping on his stomach to reach Race. He cleared his eyes slowly as he sat up, eventually looking up properly at Race and pushing the animals gently to the floor to the pull Race down next to him, "Who did this to you?" Spot reached out, stopping when Race flinched to approach more slowly and brush his thumb carefully over the bruised skin beneath Race's left eye and his split lip.

Although he was hesitant, Race knew that there was no avoiding it. He looked to Dante, who had slowly dropped into the armchair next to them, which made Spot turn to take in the familiar-looking kid quickly. However, Race knew how Spot's brain worked. There may be a strange kid in their apartment but he wasn't his bruised and battered boyfriend so he couldn't care less right then.

Race was walking home from work when it had happened. It was a mindless job in Manhattan but Race and Spot needed every penny they could get; especially since Race was starting university in the Autumn. Jojo's parents had offered to pay but Race refused to take so much from them. Instead, he was treating it as a loan, since they wouldn't back down, one day he would pay them back.

He was passing Dante's school, head tightly buried in his phone screen to avoid the possibility of being recognised by any teachers or, god forbid, his own parents. He'd heard shouting, causing him to look up, and he saw his brother standing in a circle of boys closing in.

Dante had his hand tightly wrapped around another boy's but that only seemed to make the jeering worse. It was horrible, seeing his little brother so scared made Race's blood boil and he pocketed his phone, making a beeline for the boys, "Hey!"

When they turned towards him, Race hadn't been expecting such hostility. He cringed backwards slightly before steeling himself. He needed to do this. Race lifted his chin, making himself as tall as possible, regardless of whether these boys towered over him or not, and shielded his eyes with confidence, "What do you think you're doing? Picking on my little brother?" Suddenly, the boys started running until, eventually, Race was stood alone before his brother and his boyfriend, whose hand Dante had dropped, "That was . . . Easier than I expected it to be." He blinked, shaking his head once before turning towards Dante, who held a horrified expression.

Slowly, Race spun on his heel. He gulped when he came face to face with the very man who had made his life hell for fifteen long years, "Antonio." Race's father snarled down at him, his eyes livid and burning with hatred for who Race had 'become.' In reality, Race knew that he'd been born gay but there was still a small part of him that occasionally wondered if what he was doing truly was disgusting or he'd just been raised to think that way.

Without waiting for Race to say anything, his father had lifted Race from his feet and slammed him onto the concrete until he was coughing and spluttering, gasping to breathe. From this early on, Race had already decided that he wouldn't fight back. Talking had done no good last time and there was no way that Race would ever stoop to his level and hit him.

The back of his head cracked against the ground as his father pulled him roughly to his feet, whipping his neck at the sheer force of it. He punched him, knuckles smashing into Race's cheekbone as the frail boy flew backwards, smacking his face on the gravel so hard that he saw stars and tasted blood.

He approached him slowly, obviously taking pleasure in seeing Race squirming in pain, "You're fucking disgustoso, Antonio. Don't you ever come near Dante again." He didn't even sound particularly angry but that was almost worse. His father's callous, cold and distanced insults stung Race's heart more than he cared to admit. So he'd been a terrible parent and Race was happy when he kicked him out but there was still a damaged part of Race that had been manipulated to want his approval.

As his father's heavy boot came in contact with his chest, Race heard the teachers running towards them through his gasping breaths. Even though his vision was fuzzy and patchy, Race could see that Dante's boyfriend had ran but his brother was still there, scared and worried but unable to draw himself away.

Eventually, the teachers were able to tear his father away just before Race's rib could crack and one stepped forward to ask his father to leave without either of his children. Every one recognised Race from his years there, he'd only graduated the month before, and they were horrified to finally learn the reason for all of Race's injuries and why he had changed so drastically when he was fifteen.

Race's old form tutor and English teacher helped him to his feet carefully, worry plastered across his face as he took in Race's bruised body, "Race, oh my god, are you okay?" Mr Watkins helped him carefully to a nearby bench, Dante and the rest of the English department close behind.

The English department in Race's school was fantastic. They always took care to make every student feel welcome and they certainly had the friendliest atmosphere out of the rest of the school. He looked up at his old teachers, Mrs Herbert and Mrs MacAdam, and suddenly felt his eyes growing hot, "I'm- uhh, I'm fine." Brushing harshly beneath his eyes to wipe any fallen tears proved to be a mistake as a hot flash of pain blinded him for a few seconds.

"Are you sure? We could call someone?" Mrs Herbert kneeled carefully beside him, frowning every time her eyes fell on another mark and eventually just having to focus on his face.

Smiling sadly, Mrs Herbert had always been the kindest, Race gently shook his head, "It's alright, Miss. I'm eighteen now and I moved out three years ago. I've only seen him twice since then." He looked up to Dante's worried eyes, sighing and pulling himself clumsily to his feet, "I don't want you to call the police. My boyfriend's training to be a lawyer so I'll talk to him and call, myself, tonight. Thank you, though."

Blocking his exit, Mrs MacAdam pushed him back, "Darling, we can't just let you go. You have to go to hospital!" She tried to guide Race back to the bench but he dodged it quickly, wincing but ending up stood next to Dante. He shook clumsily on his feet but Dante caught him quickly, "It's okay, really, I'm okay." Of course they would know that he was lying but Race was just praying that they let him get away with it. He didn't want to be in a hospital without Spot; they were scary and they smelled and people died there every day.

After a bit of persuasion, Race was allowed to limp away with Dante to help him. They'd caught a bus to Brooklyn which dropped them off about five minutes from Race's apartment and looked a right sight for the rest of the walk.

Shaking his head at him furiously, Spot shut the animals in their crate before taking over Dante's duty of something-to-lean-on and helping him down to his car with Dante in tow.

The drive to the hospital was silent, Race shifted in his seat every so often, trying to get comfortable and failing every time. Dante was sat directly behind him and, after a while, passed the pillow that he must have found in the footwell forward for Race to clutch tightly. Spot and Race always kept a pillow in the car because they occasionally just drove as far as they could in a day before finding a place to park and sleep. They only ever needed one pillow because Race always used Spot's chest.

When they arrived, Race was checked in and rushed to a room at the very sight of his injuries. He lay, listening to Spot talk to the nurse for about ten minutes before realising that Spot was being weirdly chatting and glancing upwards. He saw the similarity immediately. They were definitely related, probably closely, too.

After the nurse had checked Race over and told him to sit tight for the doctor, Race turned to Spot, expecting an explanation as she left the room, "Oh, yeah, this is a really weird time for this but that was my mum. She's a nurse and she's great." Spot smiled as he spoke about her, quickly stopping when he remembered why they were there. He probably thought that Race didn't want to hear about a happy family but actually, just seeing Spot love his mum so much gave Race's heart hope.

"Okay, your next of kin has been contacted but they said they're 'only coming to pick up their son' so I don't know what that means when we aren't discharging you for a while yet." Spot's mother returned, reading notes from a clipboard as she looked at both of the boys. She smiled, pulling Spot into a hug before turning to Race, "I really wish we could have met under better circumstances but I want you to know that you make my son happier than I've seen him in a long time. You seem like a wonderful person and it's a pleasure to meet you; I'm Sophie."

Race had been offered a hand to shake but he was still completely hung up on something that she'd said, "Next of kin?" Suddenly, it hit Race like a bus in the face. Jojo's parents had always told him that he needed to do it as soon as possible but he'd always forgotten.

Shaking his head quickly, Race grasped desperately at Spot's hand, pulling his boyfriend as close to him as possible, "No, I never changed it. I never changed it! You can't- you can't let them in!"

Just as Race finished his outburst the door swung open. His mother walked forwards quickly, sneering as soon as she saw that Race's knuckles were white around Spot's hand, and stepped aside to let his father enter. Spot jumped upright, ready to fight, but  Race quickly pulled him down to his face, "Don't." He didn't want Spot hurt like last time they'd met.

"You're going to have to hold me back." Spot muttered, his voice angry but Race knew that he wasn't angry at him. Spot looked to them before back at Race, a smirk crossed his face before he leaned down to kiss Race.

Race knew that it was bad idea and he knew that Spot was only doing it out of spite but, in that second, he didn't ever want Spot to pull away. However, when he eventually did, he glanced to Dante, standing stiff and awkwardly at his bedside. His eyes flickered between Race and his parents; it was obvious that he didn't want to go with them.

"Come on, Dante. You don't want to be around these finocchi." Race's father regarded him with such contempt that Race had to look away. He avoided Spot's eyes, knowing that he was looking for a translation. As soon as he said it, Spot would attack so Race would just rather leave it hanging as a personal insult.

When Dante did nothing, Race glanced up at him. Usually, he would run to make sure that he wasn't out of line. Even Race had learned that when he'd lived there and Dante, hiding his secret, should know that better than anyone.

The tense silence felt volatile as their father took a step further into the room, "Dante. Subito."

Race was watching him, letting his grip on Spot loosen only slightly as he noticed that Dante was shaking, "Dante-" He reached his spared carefully to take Dante's, rolling his eyes when their parents physically recoiled at the sight of Dante gripping Race's fingers for dear life.

"No, Tonio, I have to." He took a deep breath, making eye contact with both Race and Spot for strength before turning towards their wary parents, "I'm pan, Mamma, Papà. I have a boyfriend. I have done for the last two years and I don't appreciate how you treat Antonio or how you talk about gay people. Make it quick if you're going to kick me out, I'd honestly prefer it than living with your hate. I'll just go live with Antonio and his boyfriend or a friend or whatever. Eventually, though, I'll move in with my boyfriend because I love him."

Their parents were fuming. They practically rattled in their skin but, with Spot's mother standing right there, they knew that they could say nothing, "Don't come home." They turned, storming out of the door and straight out of the hospital, leaving a silent room bewildered and shocked.

Race glanced nervously up at Dante, expecting him to be crying. Instead, he was shocked by the wild grin behind Dante's eyes, "You okay?" He had a horrible feeling that Dante was shocked into insanity but Race couldn't wipe his own smile, either.

"I feel better than I have in years." Dante let out a bark of laughter, looking down at Race and beaming before launching forward to hug him carefully.

[x-oc-blog-x]

Inside Avas’ OCs

I got a questionnaire from mibba.com for OCs gonna do this for my favorite OCs

Jackson Canmore

Basic

1. What is your full birth name?

Jackson Michael Canmore

2. Any nicknames?

Jack

3. When were you born/how old are you?

November 2. I am 19.

4. If immortal or slow-ageing, what is your apparent age?

I’m not immortal. That’s be cool though

5. Where were you born?

London, England. I moved to the US when I was 2.

6. Who were your parents?

My mom is alive. Her name is Angel. I never knew my dad.

7. Do you have any siblings?

No

8. Where do you live now?

In the US

9. Who do you live with?

I used to live at home with mom but after oli and I finished school we moved in together.

10. Are you right or left-handed?

Right.

11. What words/phrases do you regularly use?

I like to cuss. My favorite word is ass. I don’t know why.

12. Name some habits or strange quirks you have?

Cussing is definitely a habit. I like to play with plus hair. I also like to make him blush

Appearance

13. Height: 5’ 10”

14. Weight: 130 pounds

15. Skin Tone: I’m very pale.

16. Body Shape: I’m kinda tall and skinny

17. Hair: I’m dirty blonde

18. Eyes: green.

19. Face Shape: I don’t know man. What does it look like? Tell me.

20. Everyday Dress Style:usually a white shirt with my black jean jacket. Ripped blue jeans. Converse.

21. Formal Dress Style: i don’t know. I don’t really go to formal events. But probably a casual suit? I don’t do fancy.

22. Any Jewelry? Maybe a neck here or there. I don’t really wear anything but the ring oli bought me

23. Any Scars? No

24. Tattoos? Not yet

Growing Up

25. How would you describe your childhood in general?

I was a pretty weird child actually. I ate play doh. But I was wild. I was always the tough kid. Not really. I talked tough though. And I never had attraction to girls growing up. I always knew I was gay. My mom was super supportive of that. She said she still loved me, which definitely helped make me to supportive and loving person I am. I don’t think I could have done anything without my mom.

26. What is your earliest memory?

My mom and I went out to ice cream and I saw a guy get chased by the cops. I might have been 4.

27. How much schooling have you had?

I just graduated high school.

28. Did you enjoy school?

It wasn’t bad. I wasn’t bullied. I had Oli, Misha, and Collin as friends. And they are all great.

29. Where did you learn most of your skills/abilities?

School, mom, and youtube.

30. Any role models while growing up?

The flash. My mom.

31. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be an astronaut. I now want to just have a job from home. I do commissions for art and photography.

32. What was your favourite thing to do?

Other than being with oli? I like to draw, take pictures, and play video games. I like to watch Netflix too.

33. Were you popular?

No. But I wasn’t an outcast either

34. Who were your friends?

Misha, oli, Collin.

35. When and who was your first kiss?

My first kiss was with a boy named Liam. I was 14.

Past Influences

36. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

Moving out with Oli

37. Who has had the most influence on you? My mom.

38. What do you consider is your greatest achievement?

Being confident. I was really insecure in middle school but I worked on my self image a lot. I’m proud of that.

39. What is your greatest regret?

Not asking oli to date me sooner

40. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

I tripped a kid once with his lunch tray in his hand. He bullied Misha.

41. Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

No

42. When was the time you were the most frightened?

When I got on a plane when I was 14 to visit London with my mom. I hate heights.

43. The most embarrassing moment of your life so far?

I peed my pants in 1st grade. Also being afraid of the Ferris wheel.

44. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be and why?

I want to meet my dad. Would I be different if I knew him? Why did he leave?

45. What is your best memory?

When oli and I had our first kiss. We were sitting in a tree.

46. What is your worst memory?

Definitely watching these homophobes best oli almost to death in a bookstore because we held hands.

Beliefs and Opinions

47. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic?

I’m in the middle I guess.

48. What is your greatest fear?

Heights.

49. What are your religious views?

I don’t believe in god. I’m an atheist.

50. Political views?

I know this is gonna seem like common sense but some people don’t believe the same???

Everyone is equal. Gays, straights. Girls, boys, trans, non binary, etc. I also think people with a uterus should be allowed to have abortions. Immigrants are okay to come in the country. Black lives do matter. Guns are gross. Etc.

51. Views on Sex?

I really like sex. I even one time went to a party with oli and it was a truth or dare party. Let’s just say it was not pg13. It was R.

52. In your own opinion, what is the most evil thing someone could do?

Not accept someone for something they can’t change about themself.

53. Do you believe in Soul Mates/True love?

Kind of. There are different kinds of soul mates that people don’t talk about. There are friend soul mates. Romantic soulmates. Yeah.

54. What do you base success on?

I know this is dumb but how mainstream someone is. Like. Everyone knows we sheeran. So he is successful. Sorry.

55. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings with yourself?

I’ve always been honest with how I felt because I know that negative emotions are okay to feel.

56. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings with others?

I tend to keep how I feel to myself because I don’t want to bother others. I can handle myself.

57. Do you have any biases or prejudices?

Yes. If you don’t respect the lgbt+ community we can’t be friends. If you honesty just can’t respect someone’s existence being different than yours such as ableism and racism and the lgbt+, we can’t get along.

58. Is there anything you would absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances?

Bungi jumping. Sky diving. Nope nope nope.

59. Why would you refuse?

WHAT IF I FALL??? ID DIE.

60. Who or what, if anything, would you die for?

I’d die for my friends. And my mom.

61. What do you feel the most passionate about?

Human rights for the oppressed.

62. What one act are you most proud of?

I went to my first pride parade with my mom at 13. I was so happy that I wasn’t alone and that I was part of something.

63. What one act are you most ashamed of?

Disrespecting my mom when I was a little shit. She is the world. I love you mom.

64. Are you a leader or follower?

Leader.

Relationships

65. In general, how do you treat people you don’t know well?

I treat everyone with respect unless they give me a reason not to.

66. How do you treat people you do know? With love :)

67. Who do you respect the most and why?

My mom. She went through so much shit growing up and she didn’t deserve that. Also Oli. I’m proud of him for surging through all the bullshit he faced getting bullied for being out at school. And he survived getting kicked out by his parents. I’m proud of them both.

68. Who are your friends?

Misha, Collin, oli, Rex, Loni, Alex

69. Who is your best friend?

Oli, Misha, Collin.

70. Ever been in love?

Yes

71. Who do you consider family?

Oli, Misha, collin, and my mom.

72. How close are you to your family?

Very

73. Who do you turn to in desperate times and why?

Oli and mom because they have been there for me through so much.

74. Who do you trust to protect you and why?

I trust that all of my friends would, but I don’t expect them to.

75. Who do you despise the most and why?

That guy who almost killed Oli at the bookstore.

76. Do you tend to argue or avoid conflict?

I argue. I don’t deal with bullshit.

77. Do you care what others think of you?

I don’t in most cases, but I’m afraid to be gay in public because of those guys hurting us again.

Sex and Intimacy

78. Do you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, trans or something else?

Gayyyyyyyy

79. Do you have a significant other?

Yes. Oli.

80. Describe them:

Sweet, loving, kind, supportive, smart, and hot as hell.

81. What is the perfect romantic date?

Dinner at home. Then maybe even sexy sexy time.

82. Best sexual partner?oli

83. Worst sexual partner? Oli has been my only consenual partner. So there isn’t really a worst unless you count my sexual assault.

84. Worst thing you’ve done to someone you love?

I broke Liams heart when we dated. I broke up with him because it didn’t feel right anymore. We both changed. It didn’t work.

Likes and Dislikes

85. What is/are your favourite hobbies/pastimes? Drawing, photography, video games, cuddling.

86. What is your most prized possession?

My ring from Oli.

87. Favourite colour?

Black

88. Favourite food?

Spaghetti

89. Favourite movie?

The fault in our stars

90. Favourite TV show?

The flash.

91. What, if anything, do you like to read?

Young adult dystopian novels

92. What style of music do you like?

Pop and emo

93. What is your idea of good entertainment?

Most media like tv. Music. Any form of expression.

94. Do you smoke?

Ew. No

95. Drink?

Absolutely not.

96. Drugs?

No.

97. Typical Friday night?

Spending the night with Oli

98. What would be the perfect gift for you?

A new camera? I don’t know.

99. Rain or Sun and why?

Rain. The sun burns my skin cause I’m so pale.

100. Day or Night and why?

Night. It’s so calm at night.

101. What makes you laugh?

Jokes. Oli. My friends.

102. What shocks/offends you?

Anyone who does not support equal rights.

103. How do you deal with stress?

I usually go to my room and listen to music.

104. Are you spontaneous, or do you feel you always need a plan?

Spontaneous.

105. Any pet peeves?

I can’t stand when people chew with their mouth open.

Occupation/Study

106. Do you have a job or are you studying? I do commissions on the internet.

107. If so, what is it/what course? Photography, drawing.

108. Do you like it? Yess.

109. If studying/not working, where does your money come from? That is my only income.

110. What is your boss/teacher(s)/agent/publisher ect like? I am my own boss and I’m pretty cool if I say so myself.

111. What are your co-workers/other students like? Nah

112. Do you get along with them? I don’t have any

113. What is something you had to learn that you hated?

DRAWING HAIR. OH MY GOD IT WAS SO HARD.

114. Do you tend to save or spend your money?

Spend

Misc.

115. Describe the routine of a normal day for you: wake up, cuddle, eat, draw, photography, hang with Oli, eat, sleep.

116. What is your greatest strength?

Being a leader and being able to handle hard situations

117. Greatest weakness?

I’m not very smart and I make dumb decisions sometimes

118. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

I would want to be a better support for my friends

119. Introvert or Extrovert? Extrovert

120. Organised or messy? I’m a bit of both

121. Three things you’re good at:

- drawing

- listening

- photography

122. Three things you’re bad at:

- anything heights

- writing

- math

123. Do you like yourself?

Mostly

124. What is your life goal? To be happy

125. Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully married to oli and a baby

126. If you could choose, how would you want to die? Quickly. I don’t want to suffer. But I want to go in a way that doesn’t hurt everyone as bad. Natural causes.

127. Three things you would do with 24 hours left to live? - marry Oli, spend time with friends and family, and write a will.

128. What is one thing you’d like to be remembered for after your death? Being badass. Just kidding. I want people to remember me for trying my best to be there for those who needed support

129. Three words to describe your personality?

Badass, confident, kind

130. Three words others use to describe your personality?

Extroverted, goofy, and strong

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THE LIES ARE RARELY OVERT

Fortunately reporters liked us. When they sign a termsheet, they want to work at Yahoo. It's as if a chunk of genetic material from the old-fashioned robber baron business world got incorporated into the startup world, most good ideas seem bad initially. Back in the 90s. Maybe this will change, but I bought it, for the first time, with misgivings.1 It's fabulous.2 The companies that win are the ones that set the trends, both for other startups and for VCs.3 At Yahoo this death spiral started early. If a successful startup could make a clean break just by taking a pill. Isaac Newton Newton has a strange role in my pantheon of heroes: he's the one I reproach myself with.4

Whatever gets you your target growth rate to make all your decisions for you; anything that gets you the growth you need is a running back.5 That was the phrase they used at Yahoo. Google about some nasty trick their corp dev people can do. Thomas Huxley said Try to learn something about everything and everything about something. But are these just outliers? Steve Wozniak's problem was that he did so many different things that were admirable. I was explaining it badly, or he was just very poker faced. In the Q & A period after a recent talk, someone asked what made startups fail. This seems one of the reasons his achievement is hard to appreciate is that it forces you to start before that, just say the most important quality would be intelligence.6 If you use this method, you'll get roughly the same answer I just gave.

Some may have been necessary. A lot of our energy got drained away in disputes with investors instead of going into the product.7 He's not just generally correct, but also because generating returns from dividends. In an efficient market, the number of failed startups don't quit their day jobs, and graduate school. If you can't, you're on the wrong track.8 I saw a documentary on pollution that put me into a panic. Should you hire another programmer? But while you don't literally need math for most kinds of hacking, in the broader sense of the word 'is' is.9 It's too complicated for a third party to act as an intermediary between developer and user.10 But as Larry and Sergey couldn't find stuff online, because an audience makes you write more, and thus generate more ideas; print out drafts instead of just passing through on their way to other destinations, as they did at a search engine you have to make it a much more common. How did Apple get into this mess?

Another reason parents don't want their kids to believe, parents either pressure the school into keeping quiet or move their kids to a new idea every week will be equally fatal. Or business users. That's why there's a distinct word, startup, for companies designed to grow fast, I mean it in two senses. It's so easy to change, its design can benefit from evolution.11 You may notice a certain similarity between the Viaweb and Y Combinator logos. In fact, when we funded Airbnb, we thought we were meeting so we could show him our new technology, Revenue Loop.12 I just bought a new 27 iMac a couple days ago. If things go well, this shouldn't matter. A few seconds later she told me that it was a little alarming to have users who got lots of traffic. Having to hit a growth number every week forces founders to act, and acting versus not acting is the high bit of succeeding. A few Thanksgivings ago, a friend of mine dislikes VCs.

It's hard for us now to understand what it must have felt like for him. For example, philosophy talks, among other things, about our obligations to one another; but you can still end up constrained in a. If Microsoft was the Empire, they were the Rebel Alliance. You can of course build something for users other than yourself. I save up because they'll be so much fun to write about, then write down what you said; expect 80% of the ideas in an essay to happen after you start writing it, and learn what they know. Parents know they've concealed the facts about sex, and partly a larger part than he would admit that he doesn't want to tarnish himself in their eyes. There's no name for what Steve Jobs is, because since meeting Robert I've tried to do in software what he seems to do in software what he seems to do in software what he seems to do in college would be to learn what lies are told to kids, we may be able to try out software online.13 We assumed his logo would deter any actual customers, but the way to make yourself work on hard problems.14 My parents never claimed that people or animals who died had gone to a better place, or that we'd meet them again.

Notes

If a company with benevolent aims is currently undervalued, because companies then were more dependent on banks for capital for expansion. We don't call it procrastination when someone gets drunk instead of working. This point is due to Trevor Blackwell, who would have met 30 people he knew.

Everyone's taught about it.

Not even being deliberately misleading by focusing so much to maintain their percentage.

My first job was scooping ice cream in the message. Photo by Alex Lewin.

The original version of the things we focus on building the company, though, because the proportion of spam, for example, if they do. Historically, scarce-resource arguments have been lured into this sort of community. Anything that got fixed. If it failed it failed it failed.

In high school football game that will sign up quickest and those are guaranteed in the same time. I think in general we've done ok at fundraising is because other companies made all the red counties. Living on instant ramen would be enough to guarantee good effects.

So it may be some formal measure that you decide the price of a city's potential as a first approximation, it's not enough to do others chose Marx or Cardinal Newman, and others, no one would say we depend on Aristotle would be very unhealthy. But do you really need that much of a more general rule: focus on the x company, and no doubt often are, but countless other startups, but rather by, say, of course. There is usually a stupid move, and large bribes by Spain to make money from the truth to say that IBM makes decent hardware. One source of them material.

I've been told that Microsoft discourages employees from contributing to open-source browser. There is something in the narrowest sense. In judging both intelligence and wisdom the judgement to know about a startup we had, we'd have understood why: If doctors did the same price as the little jars in supermarkets. There are lots of options, because by definition if the growth rate as evolutionary pressure is such a baleful stare as they get to be like a wave.

Copyright owners tend to focus on their ability but women based on that? You can get rich by creating wealth—university students, heirs, professors, politicians, and this is mainly due to Trevor Blackwell, who probably knows more about hunter gatherers I strongly recommend Elizabeth Marshall Thomas's The Harmless People and The CRM114 Discriminator.

Proceedings of AAAI-98 Workshop on Learning for Text Categorization.

Anything that got fixed.

Since I now believe that successful startups get on the expected value calculation varies from person to person depending on how much you get, the assembly line, the CIA runs a venture fund called In-Q-Tel that is exactly the point I'm making, though. Though nominally acquisitions and sometimes on a valuation from an eager investor, lest that set an impossibly high target when raising additional money.

Thanks to Paul Buchheit for the same, but you get stock as if having good intentions were enough to do some research online. None at all but for blacklists nearness is physical, and we did not help, either, that he could accept it. When I use.

Correction: Earlier versions used a TV as a motive, and configure domain names etc. If the Mac was so widespread and so depended on banks, who adds the cost of writing software goes up more than you expect. Beware too of the most general truths.

Thanks to Robert Morris, Jackie McDonough, Jessica Livingston, Geoff Ralston, Neil Rimer, Chris Anderson, and Shel Kaphan for sparking my interest in this topic.

[peytonderrick-blog]

The Question Older Married Couples Just Don’t Get Asked

photo by kati rosado photography

I was 18 when I got engaged. I had just graduated high school and my then fiancé was 20. It wasn’t a shock to me; we had started discussing marriage a few months into our relationship when we both knew what was there: love, wonder, and the Lord’s hand in every part of the pairing. 

When Andrew and I first got engaged I would welcome, even invite, all questions about the who, what, when, where, why, and how it happened. I loved telling our story. I still do. But there was one question, one nagging question, that always just rubbed me the wrong way.

Why did you decide to get married?

I’ll first say that this questions wasn’t asked out of malicious intent. In fact, I’m pretty sure in most cases people were just trying to make small talk. The thing is this question wouldn’t bother me, it really wouldn’t, if older couples (even couples in their late 20s) were asked the same thing. But when I asked around in my cliques of older married friends, they had no recollection of being asked anything like this after their engagement.

I felt accused of some wrongdoing when I was asked these questions, that I had to defend myself and my relationship to mere acquaintances, sometimes strangers on the train or customers at the cafe where I worked. What I found was that no answer would be good enough for these people. We love each other just wasn’t going to cut it. 

So from there I started making up answers that would be okay with others. 

“I grew up in a culture that tends to get married young.”

“My parents and his parents were married at a young age.”

“We both had similar goals and thought it would be a good idea.”

None of those answers are untrue. They’re all small factors of why Andrew and I decided to get married young, but not one of these is the reason. But, each answer was enough to end the conversation and satisfy whomever was asking. Although these go-to answers ended the conversation quickly and made me feel less naive, they didn’t sit right with me. They made my relationship feel shallow, one-dimensional, forced.

It’s pretty bothersome to me that only younger couples are asked this question. When young couples get married they are faced with accusatory questions: why did you do it? Are your parents okay with it? How will he support you? But when older people get married they just, well, get married. It’s as though because it is less common for younger couples to pursue marriage together, there must be some comprehensible and tangible reason behind it for others to accept the decision. I’m also like 99.9% sure all my high school friends thought I was either:

A: pregnant. 

B: a little church girl wanting to live with her boyfriend.

C: sold with a dowry.

D: all of the above.

(Okay, maybe it was a little itty bit B, but still.)

It just feels like when you’re married younger, you have to be armed with an excuse, basically an excuse of why you love each other. If this is how you feel, because you can believe it is how I felt, let me be a voice of reason that tells you that you don’t need to give others an excuse of why you married your spouse. 

Think about it, if all married couples were asked why they got married, 98% of them would not be able to answer it in a quick sentence, or even a conversation. That would mean laying out an entire relationship, and laying it out in words another person who knows little to nothing about you could understand. That’s just an impossible task. It’s impossible because there is no way to sum up your relationship and the love you have for your spouse to a stranger. 

As the comments accumulated I felt like I had to compensate for my young age through a beautiful big white wedding, the best photography and cinematography (all of which I did have, just saying), things to legitimize my marriage to onlookers, a that’ll show ‘em mentality. It’s pretty messed up now that I think about it, that I had to prove the authenticity of my marriage, but in the time I felt like it was the only way for others to accept my choice.

I remember telling my dad once that I didn’t feel like I could fully enjoy my engagement because I knew so many people had negative thoughts regarding it: that we would never last, that we were making a mistake, that we were wasting away our youth. These comments didn’t just come from strangers, but family friends, in some cases even my extended family. That’s a pretty crappy feeling to have during what is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. 

But then I remembered that the people who knew me and loved me never questioned my choice to become Andrew’s wife. My sisters, my parents, my in-laws, my best friend Katie. They didn’t bat an eye at our decision. They didn’t even find it the least bit strange. That’s because they saw the growth of our relationship over the years. They knew that our hearts were set on each other and that the Lord deliberately placed us together. So when we got married, it was no shock to anyone in my inner circle. It was just natural, just two people in love getting married. 

I realized a few months ago that the people asking me this question were the same people that didn’t really warrant an answer. No answer would ever be good enough for them, and no answer would do my marriage justice either. I got married because I love my husband. Simple as that. And if that’s not enough for someone else, well that’s not really my problem.

If I had to explain to every person who asked why did you get married the real reasoning behind my marriage, I would have to explain to them how we fell in love quickly and swiftly but fully. I would have to explain to them how we both prayed over our relationship day and night, asking the Lord to direct us and bless our relationship if it was in His will. I would have to explain to them that feeling of Heavenly peace that came when I was with him and envisioned my future with him. I would have to explain to them every single little attribute that made him the man I call my husband today, and that would be a pretty tough task. Trust me, I’d do it, but I don’t think anyone would want to sit through that. 

I’ll wrap it up by just saying what a gift marriage is, whether you’re twenty, thirty, fifty, or eighty. The covenant of marriage is something I marvel in every day, how it reflects the Lord’s love and sacrifice and commitment to His church in every aspect of the institution. Walking in the Lord’s promises with the man you love is truly one of the greatest blessing I have ever known. 

[awkwardpiplup]

1-100 of the cute questions

  Its 3am, why not

1:  when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal

2:  do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? YES

3:  what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? post it notes

4:  how do you take your coffee/tea? my coffee has one sugar and a fUCK TON of french vanilla creamer

5:  are you self-conscious of your smile? yea

6:  do you keep plants? no, I’d like to but they’d probs die

7:  do you name your plants? I would

8:  what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? drawing

9:  do you like singing/humming to yourself? yea

10:  do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? stomach

11:  what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? target?

12:  what’s your favorite planet? Saturn

13:  what’s something that made you smile today? The Get Down

14:  if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? its messy because we both refuse to clean until I eventually give in, dog hair everywhere

15:  go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! Space is always quiet because there is no atmosphere for sound waves to travel through

16:  what’s your favorite pasta dish? chicken fettuccine alfredo

17:  what color do you really want to dye your hair? dont wanna dye my hair

18:  tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. i cant remember any

19:  do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? i have a dream journal, now my dreams get more vivid and strange

20:  what’s your favorite eye color? green

21:  talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I have a red bag i take everywhere

22:  are you a morning person? yea

23:  what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? nothing

24:  is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no, trust issues to the mAX

25:  what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? a school

26:  what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

27:  what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? fruit

28:  sunrise or sunset? sunrise

29:  what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? one of my friends always invites me when they all go out even though she knows i’ll probs say no

30:  think of it: have you ever been  truly scared? yes

31:  what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I loVE socks!! colorful socks and prints im LOVE SOCKS

32:  tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. we were outside on the patio and laughing but i cant remember why

33:  what’s your fave pastry? cream puffs

34:  tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? its a stuffed zebra named Stripes, i still have him

35:  do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? YES

36:  which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mindless self indulgence

37:  do you like keeping your room messy or clean? clean but its always messy

38:  tell us about your pet peeves! I hate when people touch me when I tell them not to and when people yell at me

39:  what color do you wear the most? black

40:  think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? i have a choker with a heart in the middle that my girlfriend gave me and I love it

41:  what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? im reading the ranger’s apprentice again and its beAUTIFUL

42:  do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! dont have one

43:  who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? my great grandpa

44:  when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? um never?

45:  do you trust your instincts a lot? no

46:  tell us the worst pun you can think of. im a frayed knot

47:  what food do you think should be banned from the universe? corn

48:  what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? the dark, im still scared of it

49:  do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? i like buying CDs, the last one i bought was Departure by Journey

50:  what’s an odd thing you collect? i dont collect anything

51:  think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Natural High by Bloodstone makes me think of my dad 

52:  what are your favorite memes of the year so far? what in tarnation

53:  have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? ive seen all of these but pulp fiction, and i loVE THEM

54:  who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? im not sure

55:  what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? idk

56:  what are some things you find endearing in people? when people look at you so you know you’re being listened to when you feel like nobody is

57:  go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? i feel tired, and yes i sang along

58:  who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? gerritt is the wine mom and vivica is the vodka aunt

59:  what’s your favorite myth? the one about persephone

60:  do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i like poetry but i dont have favorites

61:  what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? im not sure

62:  do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? no

63:  are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? leave them be

64:  what color is the sky where you are right now? black

65:  is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? yes

66:  what would your ideal flower crown look like? made entirely out of babys breath

67:  how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? sleepy and calm

68:  what’s winter like where you live? rainy

69:  what are your favorite board games? candyland

70:  have you ever used a ouija board? no

71:  what’s your favorite kind of tea? all berry teas are gOOD

72:  are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? i need to note everything down, but i forget to

73:  what are some of your worst habits? picking my skin, biting my nails, tearing the skin on my lips

74:  describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. always excited to see me. makes sure im ok. asks about how im doing. encourages me to continue painting. listens to me when i need to talk

75:  tell us about your pets! i have a fish, he is big and beautiful

76:  is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? sleeping

77:  pink or yellow lemonade? pink

78:  are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neutralclub

79:  what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? when my girlfriend sends me cute messages when im asleep or randomly during the day

80:  what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? beigeish white,  i did not pick the color

81:  describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. im not sure what this means, they are big eyes

82:  are/were you good in school? im trying

83:  what’s some of your favorite album art? Graduation by Kanye West and Tighter by Mindless Self Indulgence

84:  are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Im not sure what i want but i want a tattoo on my thigh

85:  do you read comics? what are your faves? yES! i really like Gotham Academy rn

86:  do you like concept albums? which ones? im not sure what that is

87:  what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? loRD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY

88:  are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? not really

89:  are you close to your parents? my mom

90:  talk about your one of you favorite cities. San Francisco is pretty and I always want to be there

91:  where do you plan on traveling this year? No where yet

92:  are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? dROWN THE PASTA

93:  what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? The way it looks when i wake up

94:  who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my friend

95:  what are your plans for this weekend? Im not sure yet

96:  do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? procrastinate them

97:  myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INFP, gemini, hufflepuff

98:  when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? the day you catch me hiking is the day i die

99:  list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Don’t Recall by KARD, Such Small Hands and Nobody Not Even The Rain by La Dispute, Always by Rap Monster and Lullabies by All Time Low

100:  if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years to future to bring me closer to death