#i just rly had to post it so the brain space frees up

[meruz]

hi meruz please tell me all your thoughts on outer wilds I am absolutely Living rn

HI oh my god i have so many thoughts. I think I'm gonna keep posting fanart so this definitely isnt gonna be my last word on the matter but wow what a game! um... idk if I wanna just type forever but I can give you at least a few key thoughts I had...

It took me a second to get into! I had been waiting for the switch port so I was really excited starting out but there were a couple early play sessions months apart where I was struggling with the controls and overwhelmed with the openness...I have a hard time with a lot of open worlds games because I just..dont have a lot of free time LOL. But I was complaining abt this to my brother and he was also having a hard time rly digging into the game so when he flew over to visit me a couple weeks ago I was like ok lets do this together (incentivizing gaming by making it social/co-operative). And we had a blast!!! it rly is the type of game you can play as co-op just by having someone else on the couch or on stream doin the thinking alongside you or bouncing theories off of. I do think he's a much better puzzle solver than me though lol (he works in research, so he's got that researcher brain), he made a lot of the leaps of logic way early while I was still turning things over in my head lmao.... AND he's better with the controls because he plays a lot of flight sims?! i think he got annoyed watching me bumble around anytime i had the controller. my sole contribution was doing the stealthy parts in the dlc because im stupid and consequentially lack fear.

I kind of grew up playing majoras mask and windwaker like that was the era of zelda games I was rly activated and engaged for as a kid and I didn't realize how much I was missing and craving that type of experience again LOL. I think especially with how I personally felt that tears of the kingdom was narratively and structurally a step down from botw... idk... i mean you can tell from interviews abt Outer Wilds that the devs clearly have a lot of affection for and thoughts abt the Zelda series as well and I think Outer Wilds was like such a good encapsulation of everything I loved abt those games and also everything I wish they would do lol!! IT ALSO kind of solved a lot of my pain points with open world games and did it in a way that was so elegant... like I think i initially recoiled at the openness but then when i started exploring and realized the scope and level of detail it rly clicked into place.. im just in awe.

umm i love every hearthian they were all so charming. it rly did feel like an older school of nintendo rpg where every npc has so much personality lol. i loved that every alien race in the game was some weird animal like the designs for all of them were rly good. i love that it was a "worn" universe and that everything looked old or used. I love astronomy and space and space concepts but I don't really like really lofty and impersonal/minimalist scifi so i feel like this was a great and accessible art direction for me personally. i especially thought the backpacking/outerdoorsy aesthetic was really inspired! I think "exploration" sometimes exists on a spectrum where one end of it can be really colonialist/militaristic LOL... UM which im not like. fully against i think it can be an interesting idea to dissect? but i feel like we see it a lot and it was neat to see this which felt like the complete opposite end of that spectrum. weirdly enough playing Outer Wilds made me immediately go and finally finish Firewatch right after but I felt a little spoiled I was like ehh..that was good but it wasn't Outer Wilds LOL.

i think a lot of the themes reminded me of lord of the rings/tolkien lore LOL IDK. I GUESS THIS IS LIKE BIG SPOILERS SO if you havent played dont read but like. the entire concept of being born at the end of a great and enormous world/age with a rich history and you only getting to see the end of it, living in the shadow of great civilization...keeping your humble home in your heart idk. but then also the new world being a song ... I'm a sucker. I love it.

yeah sorry only compliments. anyways yeah i want to do more fanart... soon!! hopefully!

[littledollll]

I wanted to request a Lucienne fic where she's had a particularly hard week and the reader decides to drag her off for a surprise date night. Just Lucienne getting spoiled for once with fluff and if you're down, some smut pls? Thanks a lot, love your stuff

A day off

Lucienne x reader

A/n: babes I tried smut, I rly did, I had a draft and idea for it and everything but honestly my brain just doesn’t want it. I’m open to doing part 2s or making other similar fics with smut in the future but for now I can’t for some reason, and I still wanted to post this fluffy thing, hope that’s okay!

No warnings

“Hi loveee” a smile could be heard in your voice as you came up behind Lucienne, wrapping your arms around her torso while she was stacking books on the shelves.

She let out a sigh, leaning her head back slightly against your shoulder before she composed herself and got back to work. “thank you for visiting, darling.”

“Mhm! So.. word is Lord Morpheus is back from his little trip to God-knows-where.” She looked at you. “Go on.” You nuzzled into her neck, giving her a feather light kiss before continuing. “I may have requested that you have at least a day off since you took over while he was away.”

“Did you really word it that way or are you just trying to give me a heart attack.” You gave her a smile then completely ignored her questions, so that was a yes.

“Anyways! He complied, so I’m here to drag you away into the lands of relaxation and “me time”. And by “me time” I mean actually me time because I have never been so neglected!” Your tone was sarcastic, truly you just wanted her to have a day to let go and to worry so much.

“Oh dear I guess I should go with you then, no?” She put the book she was holding back on the cart and took your hand in hers, letting you drag her away to wherever you had planned.

In a little corner of fiddlers green, next to the running river and hidden behind trees you had set up a picnic. “This is certainly not something I expected.” Lucienne said once it came into view. You scoffed playfully and sat down, patting the space next to you.

“Did you expect me to take you to your room and put you to sleep? How boring is that! If you’re going to nap it should be here anyways, next to the sound of the river and birds.” You always did have a soft spot for nature, you loved everything to do with plants and animals.

“Yes, actually yes I did. But I was wrong to assume you’d be so “boring” this is lovely darling, thank you.” Came her reply as she sat down next to you, you gave her a sweet kiss and moved yourself to sit closer.

_______

The two of you stayed there well into the night, you had snacks and walks, talked about the little things and stories of what went on during the days, then sat in silence and appreciated the noise around you, truly enjoyed eachothers presence after so long.

Usually in the dreaming there was no need for a day and night cicle, but fiddlers green was unique, the beautiful field had a new life at night, the animals in the river seemed neon, the flowers and fruit glowed. It was, quite literally, something straight out of a dream.

You laid your head on Lucienne’s lap as you looked up at the stars. “Is everything here- on purpose?” Lucienne only asked what you meant with a hum. “Does he make and place ever individual fish and star? What about their swimming patterns, is it a routine?”

Lucienne smiled at your curiosity before answering. “Some things yes, each fish is made and placed but much like the dreams they have their own free will to act how they please in this case, swim how they want.” You shifted on her lap, moving to sit instead.

“Thank you for dragging me away.” she said, arms hugging around your waist. “Thank you for letting me, finally!” you placed a gentle kiss between her brows. “I do quite like my job.” You hummed, you knew that, of course. Most of your time was spent in the library with her. “You still deserve days like this.”

“I’m lucky I have you to remind me then.” Lucienne hummed, resting her head on your shoulder and letting her eyes fall shut. “Oh very lucky! I’ll even fight lord Morpheus for more days off.” She let out a playful scoff, making you giggle.

“I’m kidding! You and your undying loyalty.” She delivered a quick kiss to your shoulder and looked back at you. “I hold an even stronger one for you, my darling.”

[sociallyawkward--fics]

HEY BACK AGAIN. idk how long its been cuz mobile is trash but me n my friend were talking abt how we were in a lot of the same fandom spaces as kids. Sanders sides being one of them. n i was like..... Long shot but do u know sociallyawkward--fics.. n at first they were like no i dont think so.. but then they looked u up n went OH MY GOD YEA??? ill send u a screenshot off anon but i told them we were friends n they said it was like finding out i knew a celebrity LMAO -H (ironic considering theyre prob more popular on ao3 than u😭 they briefly turned back into a 12yo fanboy)

its still so crazy to me ive known u for so long n met him like 3-4 years ago worlds collide ..... Also u can post this though im off anon if u want idc -H

ALSO. since im here. idk if i ever told u my age but when i sent my first ask to u i was probably 11. maybe 10 even. im turning 18 in a couple months now. its hard to bring myself to read some of the asks (ok most of the asks) i sent u over the years bc i was an incredibly anxious and awkward autistic kid. But u always treated me with so much love hahakjs at the time i was rly struggling n had very few friends n AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME CRINGE TO LOOK BACK ON u were honestly the only older person i could talk to n it rly meant a lot lol. im so much more confident n comfortable in myself than i was all those years ago n ik i dont send u asks nearly as frequently anymore but tbh even if eventually its only once every few years ill always think back on u so fondly n gratefully. Neway i literally hate being sappy so ill shut up here but yeah. Thanks n such -H

ALSO IDK IF UR ACTIVE ON AMY SOCIAL MEDIA RLY?? BUT IF U R I CAN GIVE U SOME OF MY SOCIALS mostly i just tweet abt my day occasionally on twitter but i also have a sideblog where i post art. just thinking that maybe then i wouldnt have to be like 'and heres a quick summary of the past 8 months' n u could check up on me whenever instead of only seeing me when i send asks😭 -H (its also so less formal cuz when i send in asks u Gotta respond whereas if i post 'just ate a kickass burger' u can just. Like it. idk idc either way but lmk ^__^)

-----------------------------------

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER THESE FOR MONTHS SINCE I'VE BEEN USING TUMBLR AGAIN AND MY LACK OF OBJECT PERMANENCE HAD ME KEEP FORGETTING I AM SO SORRY 😭😭😭😭

dkjfhkdhf omg that is so wild that you have a friend who also knows about me dkjfhdsf Sanders Sides (back when it was waaaaay smaller of a fandom lol) was the first (and tbh only, really) fandom where i had any real level of "popularity" as a fic writer, and i fed off that high for SO LONG lol -- hearing that people were obsessed with my work, both then and now after the fact, is genuinely so surreal dfkjhdjkfh like. i am just Here, i am just Some Dude who wrote some words that got them weirdly popular at 17-18 dkjsfhdkjfh (also cuz i try to gather all your asks into one post, you continue to remain anonymous just cuz i copy-pasted them into the post in the same order they were received lol)

Dude it is CRAZY that you are almost 18 (or, by the time i am finally managing to answer this with my Bad Brain Powers procrastinating it so long, already 18) -- I looked back and I was 18 when you sent your first ever ask to me dkjfhdf that's so wild. I am so honored that you saw me as an older person you could come and talk to, even if it was just through anonymous tumblr asks for the past 6+ years lol. I always think of you fondly too, and I am so proud of you for the way you've grown up and grown into your confidence

ALSO YOU CAN TOTALLY SEND ME YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA djfdjdsjkf you can absolutely send me any of your socials!!! I know your main blog because you've sent some asks without it (have I ever remembered to follow it??? I meant to but I can't remember, this is also a Brain Forget-y Accidental Procrastination thing), but I would LOVE to see your art sideblog and def feel free to send me your twitter!! I have not opened my twitter in like. 3 months, because i was having Unhealthy Habits so i tucked the app into a pocket out of site and stopped using it for a while, but I am doing better now and would definitely open it back up more often again to see what you were up to

Also!!! You can always feel free to DM me on any of my blogs/sideblogs here on tumblr, too! You don't have to wait to send an ask (though I love receiving asks from you, don't ever feel like you have to stop even if we connect elsewhere!), you can always DM me on any of my blogs (or on any other socials we may exchange, too!)

[royallygray]

AAAAAAA PERI I FUCKING LOVE YOU

yours wasn't aggressive I'm so fuckin happy you love it so much

Pls dissect my brain idk how it works either man

Soulmarks are like. a thing for soulmate aus. I think. I've read ones where if you draw on your skin, it shows up on your soulmate's skin, another fic where when the two touch it colors their skin. I think this type of soulmark has already been a thing, where you have matching marks, but I'm not sure. Thank you so much tho :D

ALSO AHH THANK YOU I like the little doodles too

For coming up with symbolic titles. it can be just the first thing that pops into your head that fits. it can also be a song lyric from a song that fits your characters or smth. Or it can hardcore connect to each character's identity. It doesn't need to connect to the plot.

A Kingdom of Shadows can be REALLY fucking interesting if you give it more than surface level meaning. Like. There could be parallels between the two kingdoms, and the title references both of them, but where the Lizzie country is literally associated with shadows, the Watcher country could also be the kingdom of shadows because of the secrets they hold and the shit they hide in their darkness.

Or the Kingdom of Shadows could be a person, in reference to like Jimmy where he loses all his memories. He's the kingdom. And the shadows are everything he doesn't remember.

Play with the concept of making it subtly deeper, I guess would be my advice for the title thing :)

And you're always free to fiddle around with the concept. You might want something with kingdoms and shadows, but you might not like that specific title. it'll come to you. probably.

My working titles for this fic have all had "around your soul". Here are the seven different endings: "-and yours" "-and beyond the skies" "-and through the skies" "-and to the moon" "-and by the sun" "-and beyond the stars" "-and beyond your horizon".

I knew I wanted a space themed thing, so I kinda started with that because of the winners, but sun was too specific to Grian and excluded the other main characters, moon was too specific to Pearl, stars was more encompassing but Scott isnt very relevant to this fic, skies was the most likely for a while since Grian and Pearl are avians, Jimmy and Lizzie can fly, and Scar just sees the sky as a form of freedom, but it excluded Gem and didn't feel right.

YEAH AROUND MY SOUL AND BEYOND YOUR HORIZON I love it too :D I don't know what it really means either but oh my god. I love that part.

IM SO FUCKING HAPPY YOU LIKE THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA :D :D :D <-honest picture of my face rn. I started stimming so much when I was reading your response for the first time agsjsggaja

OH MY GOD PROMPTS PROMPTS PROMPTS YESSS

I will need to refresh myself on the lore of llkau BUT I WILL SEND YOU AN ASK. SOMETIME. SOON >:D

YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR INBOX

I'm gonna either respond or summarize to each of your questions. the ones I've summarized I'll make a different post :D

Summary: Gem lore: too long. she is Worthy tho (god I need to explain the magic system) and her brother is fWhip because I believe in esmp 1 supremacy

Summary: Pearl and Gem didn't (still don't rly until like the end or smth idk I do NOT have the ending plot mapped out. it's like. a blob. but if chutes and ladders was a fanfic) interact in their civilian identities. I really like writing homoerotic tension (I have these OCs called Kaia and Jade and their dynamic is basically Jade hates Kaia's guts and Kaia is flirting her way out of everything because she thinks Jade's attractive) and I want Pearl and Gem to have that, since I'm not gonna do it with Scarian since Grian's an ambivalent vigilante who the heroes don't actually care about. They don't meet outside of costume for a looonnnnng time

Desert Duo don't know each other IRL either. For reasoning why desert and shiny duos haven't met each other outside of work is because I didn't think about that part, but also Gem and Scar have restrictions put on their freedom by the Heroes.

We get ranchers because they're soulmates! Im personally a flower husbands enjoyer so I'm kinda confused on why I didn't make it like that but also Pearl would MURDER Scott if he started dating her brother. Like. Oh my god. (Pearl and Scotts relationship is so nuanced I fucking love it). Also yeah I am totally going to put Jimmy through the wringer. However! For most of his life, he's actually better off because he doesn't know the prophecy is about him! idk if you've seen my skybling/seabling post (it's on the pinned post. it's in response to your ask) but I think I explain some of the prophecy in there. theres also some watcher shit that I need to explain

I'm gonna be honest here, I kinda forgot about Tilly. in like. dramatic movie shots I have in my head, Scarlet has a wolf, so I think Tilly is either Pearl's personal pet/assistant or Scarlet's sidekick. either way, Tilly cannot fucking die. fight me. there will be no animal death in my fucking fic.

LOL THATS ACTUALLY LITERALLY- okay fuck. Idk if I've explained soul abilities, but that is literally scar and Grian's soul ability. they can feel each other's emotions. Each duo of soulbounds has a different soul ability, and that's literally Grian's and scars. (Pearl and Scott's is telepathy, Martyn and Cleo's is swapping hearing, Guqqie and Aimsey's is feeling heartbeat, Joel and Etho's is teleportation, and Jimmy and Tango's is sharing energy)

Gem and Lizzie (and Mumbo and Skizz) not having soulmates is actually kind of important. I'm not sure why. I think it's bc Joel chooses to stick with Lizzie even though he has a soulmate, and Gem is probably thinking that Pearl won't want her bc they're not soulmates (spoilers. gem is one of the five people Pearl cares about). Also- god I need to rant about waffle duo I love their dynamic (and they were roommates)

Joel and Etho! are! idk honestly. When the Canary dies, Joel's gonna go fuckin haywire so yeah probably. But Joel is a civilian. a civilian that can kick ass, but still a civilian and the laws can and will apply to him. This is now something that I am going to work into here. Joel is gonna commit so much arson when shit goes down you have no idea

HA um. They knew? mostly. I'll. explain a different time.

Pearl wanted a better place for Jimmy to live bc the world is fuckin dangerous and also he's the Canary and while he didn't know this everyone else did (everyone as in Lizzie, his dad, his bio mom, Lizzies bio mum, Pearl & Grian, and skyblings moms, and eventually Joel, Tango, and Etho). So she originally wanted to change things so she was a vigilante but then no one took her seriously so she worked her way up through the ranks of the villains and now she's the boss of the underground so that's just a win for her

basically the life series is canon. also the watchers are like gods. and stuff. I'm tired my brain is falling asleep also I'm typing on my phone my thumbs have never moved so fast in their fucking lives

:)

THANK YOU SO MUCH

Also I don't feel pressured I'm honestly just thrilled that someone is as obsessed with this fucker as I am :D

(also amsabyh is an awkward acronym (yeah you got the word right :D) so I'm gonna call it soul horizon for short unless my soul/your horizon works better)

@periwinklepaint

Peri Peri Peri Peri Peri the paint

So. I've been thinking (dangerous pastime I know). What do we think about the title of the au being around my soul and beyond your horizon.

LET ME EXPLAIN (I am defending myself from nonexistent haters)

So. Scar and Grian are soulmates, right, since they were soulmates in DL. And the common portrayal of them is that Grian's the sun and Scar is the earth

and so their soulmark looks smth like this:

okay well it looks like one of those two. also bonus Scottage and Boat Boys soulmarks bro rip the Scottage soulbond they crushed that thing also apologies for the lighting

ANYWAYS IM GETTING DISTRACTED (unsurprisingly)

Grian has always thought his soulmark was a sunset. This is supposed to represent Grian's (and the Azures in general, minus Jimmy until a point) more pessimistic pov.

Scar has always thought that his soulmark was a sunrise. This is supposed to represent Scar's (and Gem's) more optimistic point of view.

More literally, both of their soulmarks are horizons.

Also after the fact I noticed that Grian's soulmark being a sunset means that the sun will disappear, making the earth more consistent and valued, and Scar does the opposite.

Around your soul would mean that your soul is valued, and we love it, and all that shit. Beyond your horizon would mean that I value your soul and you as a person beyond your soulmark and whatever other pieces that are supposed to define you (either to the Watchers or to society).

It does need to connect to Pearl and Gem somehow, and I think that can happen because both of them would be on either side of that horizon. Pearl would be in the sky, as the moon, and Gem is somewhere on earth, as a mortal.

(shinyduo is doomed by the narrative. I'm trying to make them be together it's not working very well. desertduo is also doomed by the narrative but less so)

do you have thoughts?

(also do you have any prompts/questions to ask me about this au because I CAN AND WILL RANT ABOUT IT)

[tuupii-artz]

femslash february never ends. it’s a state of mind. (and im not even that late. in the US it’s still the first of march, so)

googling period appropriate underwear is way less fun than i thought it would be (fudging hipster pictures), but drawing pointy bras is worth it. 

[lilithpleasant-archive]

bit nervous abt postin this (understatement!!!) but today is 4 yrs since effing dbh came out and i got sucked in by these two lmfao, so here are a few pics that did rly well, which is frankly surprising because i did NOT fix up the lot after i placed it lol 😂

it was strange, to me, keeping my fandom stuff so separate from my sims stuff, but i am a very anxious person and i will admit i was very nervous abt ppl finding out that i spent SO MUCH TIME playing fandom sims and posting abt it and had a nsfw twitter abt it but like....... idk esp for a d cage game and a cOnTrOvErSiaL ship lol but like, most of my ts4 experiences have been w these sims like i played every new ep w them for the longest time.  but it felt like it was something shameful or to be embarrassed abt or something, idk? and ive made passing references to them here and there, but posting something so directly is scary lol!!!!

but now that im back i feel like...... ive got a new attitude and enough time has passed that i don’t feel...... super relevant anymore?  or not as visible, or something, idk, and i feel like thats a good thing for me and my anxiety lol.  not trying to claim that i was ever super popular or anything, but u feel me!!! 

im just trying to make my online spaces into places that work for ME and make ME happy and also like, love myself more and not think poorly of myself for what i do for fun but thats a whole other thing 🤷‍♀️

also i met my gf thru dbh twitter so like, huge shout out to that

and like, ofmd has taken over most of my brain rn, but these two are still living there rent free, too 🤣 idk if u read this, thank u, and thanks for following me and all that stuff!!! ok.  im gonna post some edstede shortly to bury this post on my blog like a dead body 🙈

[satsuma-saturn]

Wings of Wax and Feathers - Belphegor x Reader

A/N: not my best work, but i felt the need to post smth, since i haven’t posted a fic in a while. was gonna finish it sooner, but i highkey had a seizure and have just been recovering from it. anyway, i hope u enjoy and feel free to request shtuff that u wanna read. i’m also expanding on writing for more than just OM!, like MM, MLQC, Love Unholyc, and that’s probably it, but idk. My brain is malfunctioning after sleeping for only 3 hours lmao. Uh, I’m not rly a big acc, so I don’t rly get any requests, so send in requests if ur so inclined!

WC: 1322

Warning(s): general angst, mentions of character death, mentions of strangulation

as always, fic is below the cut-

His dark hair shines bright in the moonlight, violet eyes illuminated, like stones of amethyst. You stand before him, watching him gaze off into the distance. He seems distracted, not having noticed your presence, despite you standing in front of him, within his line of vision, or peripheral, at least. A frown dances across your face as you decide whether or not you feel like bothering him. On one hand, you had sought him out specifically to speak to him, but on the other, you don’t feel like being snapped at. Even if he isn’t the Avatar of Wrath, he sure as hell acts like him.

For weeks, you have been avoiding him, knowing full well that he has wanted to talk to you about “The Incident.” The incident that everyone refuses to even acknowledge. Not even Mammon, who held your corpse after the life had been choked out of it. When you brought it up with him, he pretended to not know what you were talking about. Belphegor is different, though. He knows it happened and he wants to make amends. You aren’t sure that you want to, though. Often, you find yourself flip flopping back and forth between wanting to continue avoiding him and actually speaking to him. Even if he were to apologize, you aren’t sure if you could ever have the same relationship with him as you do with his brothers.

Yet, you find yourself standing in front of him, as he stares at the stars, blissfully unaware of your presence in front of him. At this point, you still aren’t sure you’re ready to talk to him and make amends, but your feet moved faster than your brain, leading you to seek him out. There’s a quality about him, giving him a soft, innocent look. Just a boy who wants to sleep and spend time with his twin brother and little sister. Beneath that soft exterior, however, is a cold-hearted killer. A demon. Of course, they’re all demons. This is their world and you’re just living in it. Even sweet, gullible Mammon is a demon beneath the surface, capable of what Belphegor did to you and worse.

Wind whips around you, chilling you to the bone. Why, of all nights, did you decide that seeking him out in the winter night was a good idea? Ordinarily, one would assume that Hell, or the Devildom, as it’s known by the demons, would be hot at all times. At least, that’s how it’s been portrayed in all forms of media you’ve seen. The Devildom does have winter, though. Winters are different in the Devildom, compared to the human world. Temperatures are colder than anywhere in the Human World, even the coldest of places. Despite the cold, tonight is warm, compared to other nights in the Devildom, yet freezing to you.

“MC.” A quiet voice drags you from your reverie, as stoic, violet eyes bore into yours. He seems to have finally noticed you. Beyond saying your name, however, he says nothing else. Just stares. There’s a tired expression on his face, but just beneath the surface, you sense his irritation. Obviously, he had come all this way to be alone and just think, but you showed up, invading his space. The demon doesn’t say anything about it, but somehow, you’re sure that that is what he’s thinking. It’s hard to tell with him, though, as he wears the same tired look on his face, no matter his mood, similar to a certain police captain on a show that you watch in the human world. Dark circles accentuate the bags under his eyes, which anyone would assume came from a lack of sleep, but you know better. All he does is sleep.

“Belphegor, hello. I was looking for you.” He says nothing, just staring at you, not blinking. You feel like a turtle, wanting to slip back into your shell, but there is nowhere for you to run. The Avatar of Sloth isn’t a threat to you, at least not now, but you still feel uneasy around him. Perhaps you should have brought Mammon or Beelzebub with you, but they’re back at the House of Lamentation, unaware of Belphegor’s location, or that you had sought him out. If Mammon knew anything of your fear of the youngest brother, he would have kept you from searching for him in the first place.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, he finally speaks again. “Why? You’ve been avoiding me, but suddenly you wish to be in my presence?”

You ponder his question. Other than trying to make amends, for the sake of the other brothers, what is your reasoning for seeking him out? The two of you know that you would rather be anywhere than where you were. “I guess I just want to smooth things over with you and make amends, y’know? For the sake of your brothers. All this time, I’ve been playing the demon family therapist, and it seems my work isn’t over yet.” Momentarily, you pause, giving him time to absorb what you just told him. “So, you don’t hate humans anymore. You’ve seen that we aren’t so bad, right? It isn’t any human’s fault that Lil-”

“Don’t say her name!” He snapped, his violet eyes blazing with anger. What is the point of trying to patch things up if he won’t even listen to you? His anger was starting to rub off on you, as you scowled at him. Maybe you made the wrong decision in coming here. “Humans are insolent, insignificant beings! Just because you are the descendant of someone that I cared about, doesn’t mean that my viewpoint has suddenly changed on your kind. You’re the only human that’s worth allowing to live. The rest can all die, for all I care,” he says, as if that makes anything better. His voice grows louder with every word, causing you to back away slightly, out of fear. You don’t notice it, but he does. Even if it is his fault, it still stings to see you so frightened of him.

Even without the fear of him, his words are not what you wanted to hear. You should have known. Demons are creatures of habit, not putting forth the effort to change themselves for the better. It was in their nature, and you should have expected the Avatar of Sloth to be the least likely to make a change in his nature. “You know what? I tried! I tried to patch things up between us for your brothers, but you’re too far gone! You don’t care about me! You don’t like me! I only matter to you because I’m some distant descendant of your sister’s! This may not be what you want to hear, but it’s the truth! Stop pretending that I’m anything to you but some vicarious version of your sister!” Your hands tremble as you shout. The demon is silent, his violet eyes piercing yours. He doesn’t even appear to be reacting to your words. “What?! You have nothing to say?!” Hot tears prick at the corners of your eyes, as you try to fight them off, not wanting to cry in front of him. Sniffling, you wipe your nose and turn to walk away, the icy dew soaking into your boots, which offer little protection against the cold. As you start to leave, he settles on a fallen, rotting log, burying his face into his hands.

Belphegor lifts his head from his hands, speaking quietly to himself. “My name is Icarus, and I have flown far too close to the sun.” He sighs and runs a hand through his dark locks, feeling all alone in your absence. If only his love for humans hadn't turned to hate. Maybe then you would feel comfortable around him. For now, though, he will have to watch you from a distance, keeping tabs on you from Beel.

[biodegradablepussy]

jj x pope ideas bc y’all keep writing angsty oneshots n i just want my boys happy even tho they’ll never be canon

jjpope being so into each other but also dumb and oblivious as fuck so they each go out of their way to study up on things the other likes. (jj looks up coroner shit n pope looks up boat shit) and then they keep randomly dropping facts around each other in hopes of impressing and their friends are sick of them and hearing ab boats and the dead

jj and pope meet at a party and pope does his weird ramble thing (y’all saw the show) and for some reason this weird kid amuses jj to no end and he never wants him to shut up

pope finds himself in detention and he keeps coming back because of this silly blond who openly flirts with him and knows no bounds of personal space

middle school jjpope sharing their first kiss??? YES. jj doing the whole “we should practice kissing so when we kiss girls it won’t suck” trope and pope going along w it?? ABSOLUTELY. pope getting bullied and overthinking what they said about how no ones ever gonna wanna kiss the boy who talks ab shit no one cares about and jj proves them wrong by spilling his tiny middle school teenaged boy heart and pulls pope in for a kiss (it’s not that good but there r fireworks all the same)?? WHY NOT.

those oneshots where it starts out with them as kids up until them getting together but it’s just soft fluffy pining (do y’all know what i’m talking ab)

workplace aus!!! places where if you’re single on valentine’s day you have to work it, so they come up w a fake dating plan to not show up to work for one (1) day??? SAY LESS. a diner au where jj keeps fucking around and pope hates that he’s so charmed by him?? YUP. a more grown up au where jj just wants pope to loosen up so he keeps inviting pope out just for drinks and it changes their dynamic at work?? MY SHIT.

i really want a oneshot of either pope or jj asking john b what it’s like to be in love and it just Clicking in their brain. or: all the pogues are fucking around n teasing john b about being in love with sarah yet again n one of them is like “how are you so sure lmao what does being in love even feel like?” and at the end they’re like oH

they’re always running from the cops in this show,, let’s do sumn w it. jj doing his regular antics (they could be best friends or strangers in this,, whatever) and somehow dragging pope into it?? OKAY. or,, pope doing a lame ass crime and somehow jj finds out ab the stupid shit pope has done and is like?? seriously?? we are jumping fences and busting our asses because you broke into the school for __?? IDK.

soulmate aus anyone?? they met when they were really small and they have the most generic saying so they don’t rly remember. but jj (or vice versa) is obsessed w soulmates and he just wants to find his counterpart and pope is pining, but agrees to help jj out?? and then in the end they were right in front of each other the entire time??? SAY MORE. soulmates where what u draw shows on the other person and jj uses it to fuck around??? HELLO.

COFFEE SHOP AUS!! them working at rival coffee shops and sneaking in under cover to each other’s stores. jj working as the barista n he keeps spelling popes name wrong bc he likes pissing him off. or jj as the barista and he’s fucking terrible at making coffee and pope likes slipping him notes on how to do better. pope as the barista and it could go one of two ways.. 1) he is AMAZING at making coffee, a snob as you will and jj is either obsessed w coffee or he orders anything BUT coffee to annoy him 2) pope is TERRIBLE but jj comes in anyways bc he’s cute and his friends roast him for it... can u tell i like coffee shop aus

new neighbor au?? GOLDEN THERES SO MANY WAYS TO DO IT BUT IM AFRAID THIS POST HAS GOTTEN TOO LONG

these are just some of the ideas i had, but i truly do love this ship w all my heart 🥺 hopefully one of you will try your hand at one xoxo (also feel free to dm me if u want,, i’m always down to be delusional and write essays upon essays about ships)

[rockettransman]

MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT ROCKETMAN

I HAVE SO MANY! HERE WE GO!

prelude: i went into this movie pretty jaded and not thinking i was gonna like it. in my head, i got john lennon and elton john confused. i was thinking it was about john lennon. “oh god, they made a movie about that prick?” further, i was already dreading it because they play EJ’s hits on the radio at work all the time, and frankly i was fucking sick of tiny dancer and im still standing. when i watched the trailer i was like “aw geez, elton john sings these? damn, i was hoping i could tolerate him at all.” so. not many high hopes for this movie.

that was until i was on a six hour flight from boston to portland, oregon, and i was delirious with pain and boredom. i was sat in the middle of a father and daughter, and so i really didn’t wanna pull out my laptop and get in their space. reading the subtitles from the office off the airplane tv made me sick. the lights were off and it was 2 am, so no reading. i. was. BORED. and then, i saw someone watching something in the row in front of me. where i was sitting i got a whole view of their screen. oh, they were watching that elton john movie. they didn’t have subtitles on, so i could only take from visual and context clues what was happening. it looked flashy, and oh-- that man just stared lovingly, tenderly into another man’s eyes. oh shit. oh yeah. elton is gay. 

now i’m hooked. if i’m anything, i’m a trans man in a desperate search for a complex queer romance movie. i wanted something that would pull on my heartstrings, that would wreck me emotionally with a high reward. suddenly elton is staring at himself in full garb, putting on and taking off his glasses. smiling then frowning. glasses on. smile. glasses off. scowl. oh he’s in distress. oh, is he snorting coke? okay, cool, tight.

from here on out, i watch the movie with (no audio) the predisposition that elton is in severe distress, dealing with drugs and self-sabotage all because his feelings and attraction towards men are confusing and frustrating and he doesn’t know how to cope with them. is he in denial? does he hate himself for it? does he try to make himself attracted to women? obviously, i was incorrect. elton was pretty secure in the fact that he was gay in his personal life. 

i think about rocketman for days until my flight back to sarasota. i decide to watch rocketman on the plane back instead of renting it. but for some reason, my goblin brain told me to rent it, and i did. but i ended up just watching it on the plane anyway.

i was disappointed. really, kinda bummed about it. every article and review said it was R for a reason. there was plenty sexual content and drugs to do elton’s real life comparison justice. in the movie i watched, i saw none of it. there was some drinking of alcohol, he took pills, it was implied he snorted coke. i saw no kissing, no intimacy, not even a tender hand on a cheek or embrace between elton and another man. this movie was praised for being so groundbreaking! for representing so much of what elton’s life was really like, with drugs and sex and all that. and now that i thought about it, i heard not one curse word. “bloody” was tossed around a lot, but that is used as an inflection. and during the pool scene before he throws himself in, when he meets john at the deck, he spits something about “his secretary shagging him in front of the pool boys.” that had me in utter confusion. there... was no one there with john? he was just sitting there? must’ve been something i missed.

SO IT TURNS OUT THE AIRPLANE’S VERSION OF THE MOVIE WAS HEAVILY CENSORED. i watched the real thing when i got home yesterday and was FLOORED by the differences in the same movie i had just watched. in the scene where elton remarks he’d like to change his name, they completely edited out the character behind him peeing into a glass bottle. they also cut out the scene where elton is staring at the performer, being yelled at to close the door, and the kiss where he’s pinned against the wall. holy fuck. i realized when i saw that, i had missed something MAJOR. this meant i was missing some MORE major explicit, probably important-to-the-plot-and-character-development stuff. oh, now i was excited. 

(we could talk all day about the fact that a single kiss between two men was cut because it was deemed “too explicit”, and in a movie about elton john being the ultimate irony)

the sex scene AND take me to the pilot were completely missing in the airplane version. i had no idea this song existed! oh my god, it was a banger! i cried tears of happiness during the song. holy shit. the tense energy between he and john, standing there silhouetted by the window, and then all of a sudden they’re all over each other, fingers tangled in hair, moaning into each other’s mouths, squirming, trying to get as close to each other as possible. this is what i wanted. this is what i was looking for. not because i was looking for something “hot” or “dirty.”’ i wanted an intense sex scene because then i knew it was real. i wanted the desperation, the nerves, the tender way they cradled each other, and how they went to town on each other. it was elton’s first time being intimate with a man, and it was such a nerve-wracking, intense, lustful, desperate moment. taron and richard absolutely nailed it. The swaying and the leaning into each other, the grabbing and nuzzling and all of a sudden they’re all over each other... it honest to god moved me. not to sound too “grew-up-baptist”, but sex, especially the first time you have it is so special and intimate and personal and important (imo). i know all the times i’ve had sex, it was a very, very special moment to me, and i wholly and completely trusted my partner then. i was so happy elton could find security and love and a heckin good time in bed with another man. it must’ve felt so freeing.

This was between two men! In the smack dab of the AIDS crisis in like 1975 or some shit! If being queer is this fucking tough in 2019, imagine what it was like in 1975!! MILLIONS of people were left to die by eat-shit Raegan who say by and said “aw that’s cute.” MILLIONS of people died for loving who they love!! That’s fucked man!! Seeing a triumphant moment like this in the middle of what was happening and what it could mean for Elton and his career just rly got me ya know

my entire perspective of the movie changed from then on. i was excited to see what else i had missed. in fact, some of the songs weren’t bad. maybe i’d like some of elton’s stuff after all?

i missed the scene in the closet. on the airplane, he followed john into the closet and shut the door. the scene cut. but in the real version, suddenly john pinned him against the wall, mirroring the scene of the first kiss i missed, and elton lamely stutters he wants dinner with him, not a sexual act john was certainly looking for, and in the next moment he was hungrily snapping at his finger. i missed exactly how much coke elton snorted. i missed entire scenes and nuances that provided so much to the story. man, i was angry i missed all this. i was cheated.

when i finished the real version, my perspective on the movie, and elton, and his music, had spun an entire 180. i dug it. i listened to rocket man on repeat during the entirety of my forty minute run. i fell asleep listening to the soundtrack. i woke up today listening to it, and have been through the whole day. i have not been able to get this movie off my mind. im watching it for the third time right now.

WELCOME TO THE THIRD POINT OF THIS POST!

if you made it this far, thank you. what i wrote feels so important to me. someone needed to hear it. I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE ENTIRE ROCKETMAN SCENE. I have PTSD with psychotic features. This means that under the right triggers, i hallucinate, visually or auditorily (is that a word), things that aren’t there. sometimes they’re scary, connected to my past trauma, but sometimes, they’re hazy outlines of good people who i think i know. i also deal with all the lovely things that come along with ptsd, including dissociation. pretty much any and everything can trigger me in a specific way. the pool scene was incredibly difficult to watch. seeing a little boy playing piano underwater, him sinking and hovering and singing along, and people slowly descending, dancing in the water until they retrieve him. the vision snaps apart and holy fuck elton is in trouble. (as an aside, that’s one of my favorite affects of film: the protag is under the influence of something, whether it be a hallucination, drugs, in a deep fantasy, or just otherwise a storytelling device, and he is in imminent danger. the audience is aware he is in imminent danger. the protag, however, is cool and chillin and hanging out, not aware or bothered, and maybe this is where a major character arc beat hits. in an instant, they’re pulled out of it, and we--the audience and the characters--are hit with how dire the circumstances really are.)

Suicide is a super sensitive subject to me. when he mumbled “i’m going to fucking kill myself” and plunged into the depths, my throat constricted. it was a difficult few minutes, but i held my breath, gritted my teeth, and paced myself through it. despite the sheer terror and panic that was racing through my brain, the entirety of it was so beautiful. the bright blues, whites, and blacks of the pool lighting and bubbles decorating him, the flow of his--forgive him, i don’t know if there’s a cultural name--outer garment, how curious and confused he looked as he watched his younger self do something he did now, and the people twirling through the water, reaching out, and eventually snatching him up until we’re suddenly in the present--dude, the cinematography of the entire first verse is so, so breathtaking. the scene in the ambulance and getting his stomach pumped was a bit too graphic for me (i could feel a flashback/hallucination creeping on; sometimes i can’t tell them apart.) but it was all done so smoothly. when they lifted him up, spun him around, undressed and dressed him all in one fluid motion, i lost my fuckin mind. i rewound it several times to just watch that sequence. the pain, reluctance, and exhaustion in his face right before he was handed his bat and exuberantly entered the stage was so intense it was palpable. my heart ached for him deeply. it’s allll about putting on a mask of being truly happy and well, when just before that, he had tried to fucking kill himself. how fucking heavy is that shit?

the downward spiral kept me on the edge of my seat. honky cat was funky as hell, and i loved the little tiny moments and gestures towards each other. maybe john and elton truly cared for each other for mere heartbeats before it all went south. he was hurting so bad and ruining everything and in such denial i wanted to throttle him by the shoulders to scream “LOOK WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU BIG FUCKING IDIOT!” he was constantly suffering, doing more coke and drugs than i thought a person could keep in his system. the suicide attempt, the fantastic Dodgers show, the night and day between his outward appearance and his actions, all of it was so gripping. the group therapy medium through which the story was told was insanely cool, too. i thought at first it was a bit cheesy, but it worked. i loved that he confronted everyone who had hurt him, and who he had hurt, and reconciled. i loved that as the major plot beats went on, his clothes eventually toned down in loudness, mirroring how the story was going along in real time. he went from having an explosive outburst, to levelly confronting his parents, and firmly insisting they not treat him like that anymore. they didn’t have the right. we could see how he’d grown through several different literary elements. the fact that it was laid out so plainly really helped me, someone who is dumb as fuck and constantly misses nuances like that.

it’s so disheartening to see elton’s first love was someone who was aggressive, non-interested, and who refused to listen to him.

(im at the pinball wizard scene, and holy shit this tune fucks)

at the end of the day, when i had thought the movie fell through so many expectations, i watched the real, authentic version and was so, so happy with how it turned out. it was much more honest than what i had thought it was. when the credits rolled, and it said he and his husband David Furnish had been happily married for 25 years, the tears really started coming. Elton did it. He survived through all the shit he put his body through, all the heartache and loneliness and terrible isolation and suffering, and he won. He got what he always wanted. A man who loved him deeply, purely, passionately, and properly. 

i haven’t shut up about elton john for days. i’m kinda baffled how something gripped me so intensely, when i had written it off as stupid just a day before this. thank you for reading. i’m sure i forgot a lot of things i wanted to express, but hopefully i got something across. let me know if you read this, please. if you made it all the way down here, i owe you like $5. drop me your venmo.

thank you for reading. this movie touched me in a way i didn’t think was possible. thank god for elton john. thank god for his perseverance. thank god for his story, giving me and millions of others hope that happiness will come. recovery is possible. healing is possible. you just need to reach out first. thank you and goodnight.

[loghainmactir]

hewwo! i was wondering if u could pls give me some advice on starting my transition? ive been so scared to start bc of family and costs but ive decided to just. do it. yknow? like if i don't ill probably die lol. u look amazing and rly confident in yourself in all ur selfies and one day i wanna be Like That ✌️❤️

hi! ok, so first of all: yeah, i absolutely can give u advice, and second of all: i remember feeling exactly like you did. it literally wasn’t that long ago, either, it was like. 2013/14/15 (i can’t remember, time is fake, whatever lmao!). third of all: bless u yr so sweet. i still have a lotta issues with confidence (i doubt myself, my talent and what i can do literally hourly), but honestly? i love my body right now. it’s a good, genderless body, goddamnit.

long, long post ahead bc i’m trying to think of things i did and good god please take it with a grain of salt because a lot of this is just me ranting about things i wish I’D done in my own position. i’m also coming from a place where HRT and surgeries AREN’T free, so that’s also A Thing. everyone’s experience is different.

transitioning (particularly medically) really super fuckin varies country by country (and honestly probably even state by state, age by age and fuckin gender by gender because cis people won’t let us fucking BE goddamn): i don’t know where you are, so my only tips there r: find a trans friendly doctor/endo (i was kinda forced to go through a hospital bc That Was How It Was here in good ol’ Australia), and one people wholeheartedly recommend, if you wanna go that route.

my first point is make sure you find safe spaces in every goddamn aspect of your transition. medically, socially, physically. if you think your doctor is refusing you treatment or is discriminating against you, you NEED to ditch that doctor. if your friends and family are really verbally or physically violent against LGBT folks, you NEED to leave that space if you can (or not come out and wait until you can leave. seriously. i’m kinda lucky– my grandma was verbally violent against LGBT folks, and initially my mum was skepitcal, but i convinced them both to go to a group for LGBT+ parents and friends and they slowly turned around). get yourself friends, get yourself allies.

i cannot stress that enough. my first doctor refused to send my referral letter to the royal children’s hospital gender clinic because even tho he presented as a “nice” guy, he believed that because this was “”””out of the blue”””” for me, he figured he’d just Not Send It (and tried to tell me that a lotta kids there didn’t actually helpo, lol). so there i was, a young 15-16 year old alister, waiting like 2-3 months for something that didn’t even get fucking sent.

join trans groups on facebook and in real life. seriously, they’re a godsend; there’s buy-and-sells, advice posts, encouragement posts. ESPECIALLY local ones. most of them on facebook are private, meaning no one can see if you’re posting/in the group, and it’s easy to check if they’re not. these fb pages + local groups are good ways to find trans friendly spaces and doctors. i found my current doctor, who’s actually one of the very few doctors who knows what the fuck he’s on about re: trans people, through a real life trans group. they were like “oh, you should see x”, and even though he’s about 30-40 minutes away from me, he’s brilliant and honestly saved my life.

along those lines: figure out what you want from your transition, and then realize & accept that this may change (and it also may not change!). very early on, i was super insistent that i wanted phalloplasty and to wear packers, and now i couldn’t care less. at first, i identified as agender, and then as a trans guy/ftm, and now i identify as a Black Hole (i’m kidding, don’t @ me). like, a lotta people DON’T change their minds. but i did, some people do, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own what you want to do with your body 

(sidenote: this also goes for detransitioning or stopping medical transition but continuing to socially transition/present differently. literally, it’s fine. it’s your body. fuck anyone who says otherwise.)

again: FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

your body is literally your body. do NOT let anyone tell you what to do with it or who you are. i had people very early on scream at me (legitimately scream and throw me out of home, thanks grandma), tell me i wasn’t actually trans, and harrass me for this shit: but frankly, if i’d put myself back in the closet, i wouldn’t be alive right now. i would’ve killed myself years ago, and i wish i wasn’t kidding. if it’s safe, you need to stand up for your own body and your rights and put yourself somewhere that will allow you to follow through. you need to keep going and keep living.

my only other two pieces of advice are “patience, baby”– like, for real, every single part of transition takes time. this varies from where you are and who’s supporting you, but it’s generally true. it takes time for people to accept new names and pronouns 

(lotta people get furious about this, and i used to be one of those people, but hindsight’s a bitch and you gotta realize that… like, it’s hard for some cis people. you gotta give them a little bit of wiggle room, especially if they’ve never ever met a trans person before. it’s about reminders, reminders, reminders: which is SO hard if you’re not safe/don’t have the confidence. there IS a flip side to this though: if chad and stacey have known your new pronouns for months, now, and they keep “””slipping””” up, they’re not slipping up, honey. they’re doing it on purpose. kick their teeth in i’m kidding please don’t do this you know what i mean.)

it takes time for HRT to kick in. it takes time to gather a Look™ of your own you like, it takes time to build confidence to even tell people, it takes time to save up money for surgeries and it just… takes time. sometimes because it’s a naturally slow process, sometimes because cis people are Cis People and like to gatekeep. i remember being very young in my transition, sitting in the car after one of my appointments with the afformentioned shithead doctor bawling my eyes out because he’d told me i wouldn’t be able to access t for x amount of time and it was bullshit. this year i’ll be 2 years on t. wild, huh? there’s a lot of us and not equal amounts of resources (ESPECIALLY in public systems) depending on where you are, so you gotta be prepared to WAIT.

i’ll tell you what super helped me through those years: hyping myself up for other things! i still have the ticket from my first twenty one pilots show. that show meant SO much to me. i cried all through it, because waiting for that show kept my mind off of the wait for my royal children’s appointments (and even waiting to go up to melbourne bc my mum and i would go and get kebabs was a good thing to focus on!). keep things that aren’t trans related on hand (seriously i struggled with this because dysphoria and shit is fucking hard!! it’s easy to say but really fucking hard to put into practice).

(one day i’m gonna tell tyler and josh just how much they saved my goddamn life. i know they hear it weekly, but i will.)

my other thing is that uh. it won’t solve all your problems especially if you’ve got mental illnesses. this is a really fuckin depressing thing i had to drill into my brain, but it really helped. transitioning solved SO many of my issues. i no longer have back issues (thanks, like, literal kilo titties, lmao), i no longer have sore ribs and i can breathe and wear shirts. i lost so much weight (and am kinda gaining it back, but whatever). i no longer have anxiety about whether people can tell i’m binding– which is WILD because i used to stress the fuck out about it to the point where i never went out anywhere. i used to sit on the bus wondering if the person next to me could tell i had titties. now it literally doesn’t even register.

my issues now stem from PTSD, depression, BPD and ADHD. how do you fix this? you don’t. but what HAS helped is finding a therapist who won’t pressure you into talking about trans shit. lemme tell you: this shit gets exhausting after the fifth time of “oh i googled ‘can you become a boy’ when i was, like, nine” (this is my go to story because this memory is so vivid). of course, there’s gonna be moments where you HAVE to: my therapist recently actively asked me to briefly run through it for my PTSD report. but otherwise we literally haven’t talked about it and that is a GODSEND (because i don’t need it. if you need it, that’s good, too!). having a therapist that you can just wordvomit at wrt anything is literally the best thing and can be super helpful– seriously, there were a few trans-related sessions where i just snarled about the bullshit gatekeeping and the bastard i had to see for my therapist letter (oooh, every time i think abt the fact that it was something like $400-500 for two fucking sessions i get so mad lol), but outta 14 it’s really only like 2-3 of them.

but yeah. that’s it. i dunno, these are things that i’ve learnt and sorta… like to think as helpful for myself. of course, this could be different for you: you’re not me, you’re entirely different, in no doubt an entirely different country, social, financial, mental state. i was FUCKED UP when i first came out. i didn’t know that then, but i do now. i spent a lotta time by myself and that’s not healthy, so i really encourage you to reach out to our community, local and worldly, because oh my god, we’re here for you. we are SO here for you.

[eedisgirlfriend]

ok Long post abt childhood stuff... sorry no readmore :( i did some brain searching today and it turns out i think bad things abt myself and expect the Best or Above Medium in all things in myself because 1 im gay and gay kids grow up having to prove that we're as good (esp bc i was bullied) 2 my mom was depressed for most of my childhood and i had to take care of her and she never rly gave me space to..kind of be bad? cause i had to prove to her that she and dad didnt fuck a kid up,, and when we moved away from my childhood home until my dad died and we moved back that is still to this Day the only coherent time i remember from my childhood so my brain is confused why i hate myself sm cause i cant tell what happened in my childhood. i just remember being a scared weird lonely kid who had to grow up rly quick..i remember feeling really guilty when i was 8 and i got upset that my grandma died but mostly because it was 1 day before my birthday.. and then obviously i was sad too but my dad had died like half a year ago from that i was kinda used to it snssksk then i sae nightmares every night that mom dies/is angry at me/ is my dad basically

and wow im realising that those dreams probably tell a quite lot more than anything (especially since i cant remember Shit from being a kid) but for the following 5 years were rly rly bad > begin to hate myself

oh also im still so.. upset @ tiny me being scared because i "heard sounds" (still do sometimes, these fighting voices inside my head that repeat the surrounding sounds around me, for example clock ticking, the sound of me breating/doing something. i still hear thesw when im anxious) and mom took me to an ear check up like.. i wasnt allowed to not be okay?

after dad died i was at therapy for kids but like theu just basically said im ok after asking me questions abt my family and free time etc but im like.. confused bc i was a child of course i was okay? kids are okay through that but it doesnt mean theyre Okay like.. theu get through anything bc they have to but kids arent taught to show their fears openly to strangers i actually remember drawing a picture of my family as animals and dad was a pig and my reasoning was something like he was pink and hes dead like skdbsksnbajs ?????

but like my point is im terrified of searching through these times but i think i need to so that i find out why i hate myself sm and kind of ? let go of that way of thinking also, so that i can continue to be better for myself from here on 😭😭😭

[pekorosu]

tagged by @tariqk here! finally getting around to this but i am running on only 2 hours of sleep so forgive me if im talking in circles haha

Basically how this works is that I got tagged by someone, who gave me questions to answer. I’ve done them below, now in turn, I’m tagging a whole bunch of people, who’ll need to answer my questions. 

1. How would you like to be supported by your friends and loved ones?

okay i’m guessing “supported” here means “emotional support” but it made me think of... like... if i got to live with my closest friends and not have to work outside. in exchange, i deal with all the household stuff. so basically, financial support? lol. 

that would be ideal but also unrealistic so that aside, i think i’m good with the usual stuff like having someone lend an ear when i’m down. and it would be nice if they would teman me to places bc of my chicken tendencies :v

2. Imagine that money was no object. What’s the silliest, most unnecessary purchase you’d make?

hmmm... i dunno. buy a cat cafe with its operating expenses paid off for the next 50 years, and then invite everyone over for free drinks and cat petting sessions?

or maybe i’d just get a fried egg shaped bed :S

3. Tell me what your ideal work-space would look like.

i think my current workspace is good... minus the mountains of paper. i'd also prefer it if my table wasn't next to my bed. my workspace looks kinda like this:

4. You are given an opportunity to have a superpower, limited only by your imagination. What is it?

it would be great if my fingers could move RIDICULOUSLY FAST... i've always wanted to play the piano like a pro and be able to use a stenotype and craft tiny things and stuff... ok i guess that doesn't rly count as a superpower. 

idk... the power to conjure the perfect gift for someone? ?? ?? ??? 

NO WAIT I WAS MISTAKEN THIS IS WHAT I WANT:

5. Tell me about big setback you’ve had in anything you’ve ever done.

anxiety + fear of failure and embarrassment + fear of the unknown + lack of sleep + suicidal thoughts + depressive episodes. applicable to literally everything i’ve done/am doing.

6. Tell me about the one word that you absolutely cannot stand, and why.

“duh.” there was a time i picked it up from someone and started saying it a lot, which annoyed the fuck out of my brother. then i got a taste of my own medicine when my sister picked it up from me. so now i hate it :v

7. Imagine a utopia that you would love to live in. Tell me as much as you’d like about it.

uhhh... i get the feeling this is a really deep question but i’m not equipped to give it the answer that it deserves... @_@ as long as i get to be true to myself, do the things i want to do and live peacefully with the ppl i care about, i’m not too concerned about the specifics of the world i’m living in... 

i mean, i’d like a world that isn’t as shitty as the current one... but for now i'll leave the in-depth thinking to ppl who are more capable of braining it >_<

8. Talk to me about a genre of entertainment or medium that you love, and how it frustrates you.

okay this one is tough bc i can’t think of anything that fits this atm... so i’m just gonna go with like... the latest thing i’ve read which is this manga. which happens to be BL and reminds me of a trope within this genre that bugs me:

why is there often the implication that the chara is Not Gay, he has never liked guys before, only this one special guy. like ??? to this day i still do not get why this is a thing. am i missing smth here? why is it such a taboo to use that label considering the entire story is about 2 dudes falling in love? if not gay then why not bi? is it bc labels have political baggage or smth? i mean if they’re not going to address it, why bring the topic up at all?

tbh idk if this is still common within the genre bc i haven’t read BL in years. when i did it was bc i liked that BL was often not sexual. or at least, not explicit about it (not yaoi btw). yea the plot can be ridiculously dramatic or cheesy at times... but i’m secretly a sucker for that stuff :x

i wish there weren’t so many irritating tropes (esp re:consent issues) that made me stop reading. but then again, i think everything suffers from this to a certain extent. like slash fic lol.  it’s so much easier to filter fics tho.

9. Tell me about something you absolutely love but would not recommend to anyone you know.

um i'm not sure if i have any? most of the stuff that falls into this category is just stuff i think is embarrassing in a sappy way, but would still rec if i know the person likes that kind of stuff too haha.

10. Tell me, using single words and (if necessary) phrases, the things that bring you comfort. Go on and put down as much as you’d like.

single words are difficult so i’m gonna use phrases (...sentences??)

- the feeling of freshly shaved hair on the nape

- lotus root soup with peanuts

- nostalgic music

- lying down on the floor

- long rides with no specific destination

- waking up early but there's nothing urgent so u get to laze in bed

- that feel when u’ve just been in a blasting cold a/c room and then u go out and bake under the sun for a while (@tariqk i think this is the complete opposite of what you wrote inyour post? ahaha)

- dreams of being in love (i don't dream as myself often, so this is always me looking through the pov of a chara/other person. that fuzzy and affectionate feeling in the dream is just rly nice and often lingers for a while after waking)

- seeing mutuals on my dash being excited about something or just talking about their life :)

tagging no one... sorry... can’t come up with 10 questions of my own orz

[therewas-a-girl]

Ppl thinking oliver queen would have been better - liked/treated/his issues better respected - by fandom, if he had been a woman has me laughing at the… is it called paradox? Blatant nontruth of the statement?

Here are some easy examples of how this is not so:

Laurel lance (lol most heatedly hated character of arrow for a myriad for reasons, at least half of them sexist bullshit the other ¼ shipper bullshit; had some shit writing which is always taken as a character trait and for which SHE is blamed for; had a depression arc, is an addict, after all the times shes been kidnapped abused and beaten probably has some form of lingering effect from all the… u know… trauma + the emotional upheaval that has been her life for the last 10 years. And yet - still loathed and her issues are negated and belittled at every turn. Always misinterpreted, rarely afforded the luxury of viewer empathy; favorite fandom strawoman usually)

Sara lance (ptsd from all the fucked up shit the league put her through amd that she went through before that, which was very visible when she was on arrow. Probably dealt with some for of sexual harassment/threats of violence/violence when she was on the Amazo, which we never explicitly saw thank god. A good portion of Olicity fans dispise her cause ship reasons, same with lauriver fans. Who is the REAL black canary discourse is still going strong btw, which inevitably generates hate on either of the lance sisters side. Saras bisexuality is constantly erased or denied or treated as sth tintillating for the straight male gaze; she is slutshamed at every corner; ppl hardly can be bothered to remember that she was actually suicidal at one point, that she thought she was not worthy of love or capable of love or of being with someone - HUGE CHARACTER MOMENT HERE - when she broke up with oliver usually dismissed/forgotten cause felicity walks in the room so most of the olicity fandom - big portion of arrow fandom - 9 times out of 10 doesnt bother to remember that sara was talking about herself here)

- yes shipper tendencies matter, they shape character perceptions.

Bonus: thea queen (neglected by her mother, abused physically and emotionally by her monster father, has some serious issues with violence, probably ptsd-related avoidance for it, the mask, her old life. Has utterly detatched from a whole side of her personality and history, something that was intrinsic to her for 2 years, and yet nobody sees that as eyebrow-raising worthy for some reason cause that is what a tots normal person would do. The almost oliver-like split of the sides of her life/personality is mentione…. how many times in fandom? The metas are where? Maybe ive just missed them. Okay. Oh i almost forgot - was stabbed and just about died. But she got over that, right? Which has nothing to do with the bloodlust, by the way. Thats from the Pit. Trauma outlasts the bloodlust. And yet whenever she displays behaviour that is consistent with some kind of post-traumautic symptoms/behaviour… she is bitchy or ungrateful or whiny or being a child again. Literally do not know how to go on with this one)

Extra bonus: felicity smoak. How much felicity’s trauma was aknowleged = she has all kinds of traumatic shit happen to her, including but not limited to near-death experinces, and yet the effect this had on her is nearly nonexistent in big fandom spaces. Sunshine felicity yay! Supporting and taking care of oliver. Yay. Always the light to guide his way. Untarnished. Y. A. Y. (Feel my burning enthusiasm for this interpretation. But thats my preference and of no consequence here.) And the moment it was “officially” aknowleged that a ptsd arc would be explored with her (which is, imo, still a euphemism, or a gross misusage of this very serious illness /that they cant be bothered to portray right on a woman/) - the same ppl that say ‘olivers mental illness is disrespected cause he is male’ were all about (paraphrasing here) “olivers LONG LASTING and X YEAR LONG ptsd is as valid as felicitys NEWLY CONCOCTED/FRESHLY CREATED ptsd” …somehow managing to insult the both of them and imply that the years one lives with an illness give u a sort of precedence and ‘elder card’ in the club. ‘Empathy should go first HERE where its mooore…’ more what? I just dont know how to continue this. needed? Valid? I dont know man. I mean, by works of logic the obvious non-truth of the beginning statement of this post is encapsulated by this last example. But lets be thorough.

Look there are layers. Olivers character deals with shit writing sometimes and horrifying demonisation of his mental illness FROM THE WRITERS OF HIS OWN SHOW. And there is a shitton of ableism in fandom about him.

But if he’d been a woman… my dude… my guy… my pal…. experience shows fandom generally, not as separate ppl but as a block unit, (fandom currents? Fandom tendencies?) have *lower* empathy for women and their narratives (e.i. a lot **less** 29596k word metas about why he does the things he does, trying to explain away the writing holes would be floating around). Lower patience for their fuckups. Lower imagination for their inner lives and even lower willingness to search them out. The show itself would have a lower interest in exploring these issues, as they have shown it to be the tendency with female characters.

Oliver queen is human, he fucks up, he has a deep inner life and his trauma has far reaching shockwaves. All those are characteristics we assume him to have, as default, cause hes a WHITE MALE presented as straight. Who has to contend with bullshit ableism, sure, and fandome expectations colored by toxic masculinity, which canon doesnt even support. But he would have faaaar more prejudices to contend with if he were female. All those assumptions - of hidden logical reasons, depths, triggers etc - up there wouldnt even go halfway if hed been a woman, or not white or, god forbit, a woman of color.

(Dude can u imagine the shitstorm of slutshaming that would hit a female!oliver for sleeping with a *fraction* of the number of ppl oliver has slept with??? In canon he has always had emotional ties or reasons for sleeping with every single one of his partners whether fandom likes it or not, and STILL he is called a manwhore, as if he only thinks with his dick. Even oliver isnt afforded brains and emotions when it comes to sexual agency. It baffles me.

But im willing to bet that it would be worse if he were a woman because the reason for dumbing him down would go from ‘i want to belittle all these other relationships he has so that THIS ONE SHIP shines thru’, to straight up sexism and womens agency over their bodies and emotions. Case in point ppl were calling felicity a plethora of disgusting epithets for sleeping with ray (ONE MAN) when she was a FREE BEING WITH AN INDEPENDENT WILL tied to !!!nobody but herself!!!, just cause she didnt plant olivers name on her ladyparts from the moment she first saw him. (Lets also admit that shipper reasons are present here too but the difference is that in olivers case, his sexing up other ppl lowers olicity’s value cause hes not devoted enough and whatnot. In felicitys case, her sexing up other ppl lowers *felicity’s* ‘value’ because… do i rly need to explain why here? Hint - It ties back to the ‘pure felicity oliver’s light’ argument and the dehumanization of her character by making her the literal object of olivers salvation and therefore nullifying/ridiculing her choices if they make her path deviate from olivers.) Ppl are saying Laurel would be betraying tommys memory by loving oliver still - TOMMYS MEMORY. a man whos been dead for *four years* matters more than a live womans feelings. Just… christ…)