#i just needed to vent publicly because i'm too dramatic

[fantasyoverreality98]

this is just a jumble of thoughts written during another breakdown.

trigger warnings for mentions of suicide and overall negativity.

---

it’s funny that i’ve spent nearly half my life torn between holding on just a little longer and giving up completely. this feeling has lingered around for ten years, never going away, no matter how hard i try to get rid of it.

there will be periods where i can go days, weeks, months, without feeling the emptiness or the sadness creeping in, but it always returns. it is the only thing i am certain of in this lifetime. that feeling will never go away.

for so long, i’ve tried to deny its existence, tried to be happy, tried to ignore the sense that i do not belong and that no one could ever genuinely care about me, because how could they?

really, it’s a bit sad how much i think i don’t deserve love.

how could someone so terrible have anyone who cares about them? how could they care when it always feels like i am the last person someone thinks of, the one who is the second thought, who is lucky to get a second glance because of how utterly despicable i am.

and i know this sounds like a sob story. in all honesty, it kinda is.

poor me. poor kyrene. she cries over stupid shit and hurts inside because she’s lonely.

don’t think i’m not aware of how worthless i am and how miniscule my problems are compared to other people in the world. you think that after twenty-two years of life i would have realized that i mean nothing to anyone, and yet i still hope.

the thoughts are crippling. any kinds of relationships i’ve ever had have been annihilated because of the fear i have that someone might actually care.

never let them get too close. show them the cracks in the armour and then run away and slam the gates down again. reveal glimpses of the loneliness, but never enough that it would seriously worry them. never reveal the plans you made to the people in your life because they’ll either tell you not to feel that way or never leave you alone. don't mention the thoughts of that bridge and just how many times it's crossed your mind.

don’t tell them you’re suicidal, they’ll call you selfish and try to assure you with empty words.

don’t go too long without talking to them, otherwise they’ll block you.

never show your true self, because she is a horrible human being.

i just want to be loved. for once in my life, i want to feel like the one who matters, the one who comes first and who makes that person feel loved in return.

but i know that that is where my being a horrible person comes into full play.

because i don't believe anyone actually cares about me, i have a hard time showing that i care about them. i feel like such a shit person, not knowing how to comfort people or convince them i care or actually voicing that i do care and feeling like their response means they either don't believe me or that they don't care as much as i do.

but it's probably me who doesn't care as much, and i absolutely despise myself because of that.

people have told me they love me, they have done nice things for me, they have tried to help me when the waves were crashing all around, and i have never believed it. there always has to be an ulterior motive. there’s no way someone would just love me, not when i’m so fucked up and struggle to accept compliments or tell other people that i actually do care in fear that they will either leave or take advantage of that.

who the fuck would ever see anything good about me? honestly? who sees this fucked up person, the one who’s good for absolutely nothing, and decides that they want to befriend her?

i hate myself so fucking much, it’s not even funny.

the fact that i continue to exist when people i loved, who were loved so, so much are dead, while i just waste space, is a travesty.

and i can’t even kill myself because it would be even more selfish to put my family through that for a third time in less than ten years.

sometimes i wish i just wouldn’t wake up. maybe i don’t want to die necessarily, but i do want to stop existing. i want proof that people don’t care about me, that my friends don’t give a shit about me and that i mean nothing to them, and yet when i get that confirmation i cry about it because i’m never happy.

it is so frustrating it is to live like this. my mind is playing a constant game that i never asked to be a part of and yet i cannot escape it.

writing used to be the way i felt a little useful but let’s be real here no one gives a fuck about my writing and the one person who seemed to is gone so what’s the point?

seriously, what’s the point?

no one actually believes i have the potential to become a published author and make a living off it. i don’t even believe that anymore after realizing just how mediocre i really am compared to every other writer.

i think i clowned myself the most by allowing myself to think anyone cared about my writing. who the fuck would care about some random person on the internet who loves writing? who gives a shit about some story about how it saved a sixteen-year-old from the grief of losing a family member to the very thing she’d spent her entire teenage years contemplating? none of that matters. this is all over the place and i’ll probably regret posting it but it has to get out so these feelings escape this mind and stop making everything worse.

why do i even exist? and maybe people don’t need a purpose, but i feel like my being around just makes the world a worse place. but then you’ll tell me that it’s silly to even think that anyone actually cares enough to hate me or give me a second thought. so i guess there’s no way to win anyway.

it must be exhausting to care about me. to love me. to hear me say that i feel like no one cares or loves me. to go days without hearing from me because i’m off having a meltdown thinking that no one would care if i came back anyway. and i realize that i’m contradicting myself by adding this acknowledgment of people loving and caring about me, but when did this mind ever make sense anyway?

because i do know that people care. out of the dozens of family, friends, and acquaintances, someone must care and love me. but it’s hard to believe it when your thoughts are always being an asshole. i’m such an asshole. it’s disgusting.

i wish i could be the positive person, the one who lights up the room, who draws people in because of the loving energy i give off. for a long time i’ve pretended to be that person, but it’s become too much to keep up the act.

so there you have it. i’m not the happy, loving, caring person i try so hard to be. underneath that façade is a darkness that grows with every passing year, killing me from the inside out. i’m sick. that’s the truth. maybe not in an obvious way, in a way that someone could look at me and know it, but it’s still there.

and i don’t think it will ever go away.

this is the way it’s going to be until the day i finally die. so i guess this feeling of being a shit person and like an outsider is all i’ll ever have to look forward to. oh joy.

[aresrl]

Emergency Request? If you don't accept any ignore it, please! Don't force yourself to write it, only for my comfort :)

As for the initial ask — headcanons for reader, who's hard work never gets acknowledged, as she's always in the shadows of someone who has the talent for it? For example, the wielding of a bow? She had spend years in working hard to get to the number 1 rank, yet never able to reach it, not because her abilities are not enough, quite the opposite — they're the highest in the region, just society prioritizes natural talent over hard work. Short scenario/headcanon where she finally cracks under the feeling of never beeing enough and always beeing the second choice to EVERYONE. Such as her family, former friends and current acquaintances.

Please include Diluc and if you accept more than one, Venti and Xiao. If its too much, only Diluc :)

Vent in the next paragraph!!!

I'm in a situation familiar to the request. My whole life I never was anyone's number one, but always the second. And people "taking" this spot, always had a natural talent that I didn't, but instead worked years for. Such as synchronizedswimming — my coaches never saw my potential, my hard work and even though, loud the list, I'm the best in the whole team, there always come new girls that have the talent for it and the coaches give them their whole attention, forgetting me. And honestly, even I, a mentally VERY strong person, can't hold it inside themselves for 8 years under the "dramatic, positive swimmer." My old team, all left before and during the quarantine, as did my duett parter of 6 years and she didn't even say goodbye. Like damn, did our partnership really meant nothing to her? To put it simply, I'm just tired of keeping the strong facade facade want to be held someone, anyone, but there's no person I can go to...

That became depressing very quick, I'm sorry if this vent affected your mood and I'm so sorry for beeing selfish to post it publicly, as its really only my problem, but... I don't know. I don't have an excuse.

Have a nice day lovely and know that you're loved :) <3

(Again, ignore if you aren't comfortable with writing this!)

I apologize if it was long! I feel like I've been doing it too slowly. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but for now, I'll only release this with Diluc as I'm afraid I would take too much time to write the others. It's the first time I'm writing in this genre and also the first time I'm receiving an emergency request, so it may be clumsy! Genre: Hurt with comfort Content: Feelings of not being enough, frustration, rejection. Characters: Diluc (Xiao and Venti won't come actually, sorry).

• It's been many years now since you joined the archery association. What motivates you to stay in is your love for this knightly art: you love the fact that it requires peace of body and mind and how it creates new companionship with people sharing this same hobby. • Your love for this made you spend your sweat, all your efforts for years. So much that you became the best of your team, and also, of your region. But not in everyone's eyes. It was the end of the session, you were heading to the room to store your bow. You had a group exercise today, and you were satisfied with what you've done. However, you heard the coach talk to one of the girls that were part of your group: “It's pleasant to work with you because you already got it in you, you know? I feel like our sessions together are easier and run more smoothly.” Does it mean that it's not with me? Because I don't have it in me? Have I been forgotten again...? Once again, you plunged back into these thoughts. The coach knows I'm the best in the ranks. I'm always happy in front of them, and yet, it doesn't satisfy them. Would I be not enough...? You decided to stop thinking about it. You didn't want to feel that again, so in the hope of relaxing and distract yourself, you chose to go home by taking a longer path. Unfortunately, walking was leaving you too alone with your thoughts. I wasn't the one talking with the coach. So it's normal if they give them more attention! But even when I'm here, they're not even glancing at me when complimenting us. I'm tired of lying every time something like this happens. But I know I'm not worth anything! But still-- It seems not enough for people to see that- I'm here... You felt tears coming, so you stopped walking and decided to sit on the ground. It's so frustrating. Tears fall. I can't even complain. Nobody would hear me. But Diluc was near. He was on his way home from Mondstadt. He saw your sitting silhouette while walking and when he recognized you, he headed in your direction. But once he was close enough to hear what sounded like cries, he walked faster, almost ran to reach you. He reached your shoulder from behind with his left hand. He didn't want to hug you yet to not rush things. He kept his hand on you while turning to face you. Your head was facing the ground while you were crying. “D-Diluc...?” you said as you were lifting your head up to check who it was. “You can talk to me if you need to. I'm here for you now.” Is he truly here for me? I don't know. Your confusion frustrated you even more now, leading you to cry louder. Diluc didn't want to stay there with only his hand to comfort you. He hugged you. His right hand was in your hair, and the other caressed your back. His hug is tight. He wants to help you, to stop your cries, to put an end to your current pain. He won't force you to talk if you don't want to, so he remains silent. “People- They won't make me stop thinking I'm not enough. But I work so hard! I know it...” you said, crying in his chest. “They can't see how much effort I put into what I love. I'm not jealous, but- people with natural skills are more praised than people-” Your voice lowered. “Than me...” A little silence passed before Diluc answered. “To be honest, I haven't seen that coming. I assume you've been enduring this for some time.” He paused, his head slackening a bit. “This world is unfair. Things will never go as you wish. People won't always recognize your work as they should. But you're strong. You can already recognize your own, and this should be enough.” He sighs. “I love you, Y/n. When you feel like this, you can think about me. I can assure you that, to me, you are perfect. You don't need to be more.”

[disappearinginq]

Dear god the 'shippers' in the Magnum fandom are driving me mad. They're like rabid little zombies! I'm cool with Higgins. I'm even okay with the idea of Magnum and Higgins getting together, in like season 10 or so. But if we don't get a third season it'll be because the shippers are messing with the writer's heads and I just wanna drop kick some sense into them all! (Sorry, this is the only place I know where I can vent and not get jumped on for not loving 'teh Miggy' Urgh.

Ha! You’ve come to the right place. I realize that half of what I don’t like about her character is that her ‘badass self’ doesn’t have to change - but why does it always have to be at the expense of others? Like Batman doesn’t become less awesome because Wonder Woman is on the screen. The ‘ship wars’ ultimately destroyed Arrow - and those fans went after real life people and made their lives a living hell (just look up what they did to poor Katie Cassidy) or harped on Stephen Amell getting together with Emily Rickards off screen (despite Stephen being happily married to someone else), or how JohnLock shippers almost made Martin Freeman quit because of the atrocious things being said to his real life wife. I’m not sure why people feel the need to get shitty to one another personally over a fictional character, but...holy shit. Being goddamn psychos about it does nothing but push others further from liking a show (never mind the character). You want to endear me to Higgins? Come up with a plausible/non-romantic reason she’s as two faced as a double sided coin when it comes to interacting with Magnum. She’s lost a fiance? Boo-hoo. Magnum and his best friends were sold out to a terrorist organization who imprisoned and tortured them for over a year and a half, then she tried to kill him and possibly had a hand in the death of one of his best friends and he still manages to have compassion. Her mother had dementia? Wah wah. TC’s father has blown him off at every turn after spending TC’s younger years in prison after his mom up and left them, and ohhhhh looookkk....he’s STILL A HUMAN TEDDY BEAR. Rick was raised by ORGANIZED CRIME MEMBERS. HE WAS A SNIPER. Not just a sniper, but a SCOUT SNIPER. He had a more personal look than most when it came to combat, and guess what. Not only does he still volunteer to help build houses for disabled veterans, help his employees at every turn, his besties, but also manages to still be a cheerleader for everything that his friends accomplish. Is it fair to compare tragedies? No. But at the same time, they’re just making her look like she’s the one who lets every little thing be an excuse to be an ass - and then pout when she doesn’t get her way. Like...are the rabid shippers mad when we don’t like that because that’s the part they identify with?  

I also really wonder if there’s multiple writing teams. Because like Blood Brothers was straight up showing how they didn’t actually need her. And for anyone that actually knows how life rafts work, they kinda made her look extra dramatic trying to be relevant. Fun fact: nobody actually wants to have to do complex satellite recon and math to figure out where a life raft is, that’s why they have GPS installed. So that could’ve been all of 30 seconds - “I found the GPS transponder, it washed ashore on the island here.” She also comes off as either 1) especially heartless or 2) the writers confirm that she had absolutely nothing to do with anything in the Middle East during her time as an MI6 agent beyond rubbing elbows with diplomats. As soon as she says “we break the law for life or death”, anyone who has ever dealt with the shit show that is Afghanistan/Taliban knows she hasn’t got a clue - illegally fleeing Afghanistan is the only way out of it. And if Ahmed was returned to the Taliban, he would be lucky to be forced into the Taliban. It is much more likely that someone who is seen as friendly towards the West will be horrifically tortured and publicly executed (probably filmed too). And like throwback to the second episode of season 1 - she speaks Arabic. Arabic has like a million little offshoots and dialects and that’s what makes it interesting but also really difficult for translators (or you know, spies) to learn it well enough to blend. Typically though, Arabic is primarily spoken in countries we’re not in direct conflict with - like the UAE and as she mentioned Saudi Arabia (even if she got the prince’s name wrong, we’ll just assume that was a writer error). Which means her relations were diplomatic, not combat, so she has approximately no leg to stand on when throwing around ‘you should do it legally or not at all’ since in reality no, you cannot have a history of being a foreign spy and come retire here in the US, but also - rich, white, female of a country that if she ever gets deported back to isn’t going to behead her on YouTube after torturing her in a public square to serve as a reminder to others who think they could have a chance....well. You can draw your own conclusions on that one. 

Anyway. 

On that note, I actually am really trying to make the character understandable, at least in fanfic, but damn. It’s a goddamn mountain, lemme tell you. 

[what-a-strange-moth]

Feel free to ignore: Vent post

Nothing bad!!. Just being sad and making a little vent thing here because I don't really have anywhere else to put my thoughts and feelings.

To the people that follow me for weirdcore/ out of pocket content; sorry but I don't want to make another blog

I feel like I don't exist to people outside of me interacting with them. Like, if I see them, reach out to them, ect- I exist, I'm a real person with feelings. And that's why I'm posting publicly. I tend to gaslight myself to believe that I'm over thinking, being dramatic, that it isn't that bad, and it isn't that bad but it's getting to me.

No one I know actively talks or reaches out to me unless they need something, if I'm not in their presence first. I find myself to be the one that reaches out, that sends things, that says hi. Now, I'm not the most talkative, I'm rather reserved( because trauma), and I'm forgetful (because adhd). So even if the interactions are far in between, and it's not the longest interaction; I'm still the one reaching out. I also make it very clear that I'm open to talk and I'll always be there. Yet I still get nothing.

I don't think I would be as involved with some peoples lives if I didn't reach out, interact, and ask questions. I think I wouldn't be a thought. I could go literal months without talking to someone just because I didn't reach out, and sometimes they just shut me out all together.

I understand that people are busy, I know other people are forgetful too- it's just. Is it me? Am I the problem? Are they intentionally ignoring me? And if so, why is it everyone I know?

It's probably me over thinking.

[cynthias-heart-and-mind]

PSA Communicaton with Me and Toxicity and how I handle it.

[[Hey there guys, I know how many of you are really tired of seeing posts like these. I have really been trying to keep shit like drama away from my blogs and attempting to handle them priviately instead of publicly. But unfortunately, like Qrow from RWBY, misfortune tends to stick to me the a mcfuckin magnet.

The first part involving communication with me will be out and the part of how I handle toxcitiy and how I recognize toxicity etc will be under read more to save peoples dashes from a dramatically long post.

Alright, communication, it is something I highly value in rp and in friendships. Its what helps clear things up and make the whole experince better.

BUT, Like in rp , ooc talk and chats should both be met with effort and engagement. Meaning the convo shouldnt have to be held up by one personor make them feel left out.

There are times where people need quiet time to themselves or are too busy to speak with everyone. Guess what? Understandable because tumblr rp and the internet shouldnt be your whole life and let it drag you down. And your friends shouldbe able to understand this. 

For my issue here, people complaining that I dont talk to them much after a while. Maybe because you only pay attention when I have something negative going on or im always 100% the one starting the convos and strugglig to keep it up. If you only give me one worded answers or give no effort in the conversation then I assume that you have lost interest.

A litle tip here: try making effort in the coversation, actually start some of the convos. Will be super fantastic!

Also understand that I'm  not on here 24/7, I have two jobs and have to be the one to do most of the chores in my home. Sounds like a broken record everytime these things come up. But yeah, I miss things. Especially if someone posts a vent on their blog and it is deleted or gets buried by posts on my dash after a few hours.

But understand this, YOU CAN VENT TO ME ANY TIME. Like  I wont get pissed, I vent to my friends all the time. You are safe to vent to me. Please. 

On one last note, I have a lot of friends on here that want me to talk with them and all of them want me to tell them when I have something bad happen. I feel like I have so many damn moms! It isnt a bad thing at all but understand my attention is spread to many many people.

[[Alright now for the....ugly and toughest part of this PSA. Toxicity and Drama.

UGGHHHHHH!

Ok, Ok.

So lets start off with this statement, treating me kindly will not blind be to you acting irrationally or horribly to others. Simple, yes? Yet so hard to understand when it comes to toxic people.

But those close to me will agree, I NOTICE EVERYTHING. I am extremely anti-bully. I do not stand or condone trying to bring someone down or ruin their lives just because of the dumbest shit.

For example, the most recent person I blocked would make public posts vauge-harrassing another for being a bit slow witht their replies and convos. Yeah, thats completely insane.

I was sent two anons a few days ago, assumingly from the person whom I blocked, judging on the language used and what the message composed of.

Claiming I am selfish and just love drama. That I toss away friendships like garbage. 

Now I defintely know that those are completely farfetched statements. But I'm  done with people that go as low as sending messages like this. Thinking I'm the villian for just blocking them. Very embarrassing for the sender. Cause it is always heavily baseless.

Why should one person on the internet, that you never even connected with and gave you a second chance, effect you that much? Why must you always be the victim?  Why must everything be a battle?

When it comes to toxic people, they always have a daily panic attack about every single thing. No matter what it is. And if the attention is not on them, they have to make up an elaborate negative story or one up the other person that is recieving the attention.

Or the publicy post that noone cares about them,  they are soooo lonely. 

Yeah..uh.. hm.... seems like something a newbie 13 yr old tumblr idiot would do. And before you say it, do mot claim mental illness is the cause. Mental illness is NEVER EVER the damn cause of acting shitty towards others. That excuse is used far too much to even be considered valid.

Mental illness can be the cause of you being quiet for a while or for your mood drop. But not for acting out against innocent bystanders.

[[Geez this a long ass post]]

All in all , how I handle toxicity is probably the best way to do so. I recognize the toxicity, sometimes I attempt to address it to the other in a civil way. Or if its to the point where it is know thay their behaviour will not change. They will be unfollowed/blocked.

On a last note, I dont love drama, I hate drama to the core. I hate toxic people. I reserve the right to block. I reserve the right to block without notification. 

If I vent to my friends,  I stress that they not personally message or send anons to the other. But if they do so, thats on them. Not on me.

I know who I am.

As a beautiful friend stated: "A dragon does not bother herself with the opinions of a sheep.".