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ellieluvr420 · 6 months

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Friends? Never. Pt.22 (Ellie Williams x reader)

MASTERLIST (and information about Palestine) Please read!

SYNOPSIS: You and Ellie had been bitter enemies for years now but before that you were best friends. You had always planned to be roommates one day but when that becomes a reality the situation isn't exactly how you both imagined it.

SMUT MDNI OR ILL BE YOUR SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON TONIGHT XOX

proofread kinda but this shit is like almost 9k words and i am tired so if there’s a mistake my apologies, will fix that tomorrow probs!

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“Fuck I am so tired. I’ve been twenty for three weeks and I swear I’m deteriorating already.”

“Ellie you are such a drama queen, you’re just tired because you actually ran laps with the group today.” Training with the group had been going well for the most part but watching Ellie come back breathless and rosy cheeked, though in better shape than the teenagers that followed after her, was the highlight for you.

“Can’t believe you made me do that.”

“You were being naughty and you know I don’t tolerate bad behaviour.”

“I smacked your ass once and none of them even saw. You are so mean to me.”

“Stop sulking, besides, would you have preferred to stay behind with Amber?”

“Okay fair enough, how was that by the way?” Your mind cast back to the memory of your altercation with Amber and left a sour taste in your mouth.

“Amber, can you stay behind please?”

“Why?” She snipped at you with a scowl.

“Because I said so.” You grit as Ellie stifles a laugh. Ellie had been on a mission today to annoy you as much as humanely possible, lovingly but still, she had succeeded. She had done so well that she was now jogging away with the other trainees after you banished her. When they had all been doing target practise she snuck up behind you and landed a harsh slap on your ass that was so loud it was almost audible over the repetitive gunfire. You yelped and rubbed at the sore skin while sneering at her as she laughed.

“Sorry babe, you know I love your ass too much to keep my hands off, you should’ve seen the way it jiggled.” She went to reach for it again but you slapped her hand away and huffed, only making her laugh more, you glanced at the group and when all of their heads remained facing away from you, you breathed a sigh of relief.

“You are such a little shit, you’re running laps with the others while I talk to Amber.”

“What?! No way.”

“Yes way, I’ve had enough of you today.”

“Oh come on babe don’t be like that.”

“Too late and if you don’t go, no sex for a month.”

“You’re joking.”

“Wanna fuck around and find out?” She huffed and called the rest of the group over to announce the badly received news of their impending laps around the town. You almost regretted your decision when you were left alone with Amber, her attitude making you want to throttle it out of her.

“I wanted to have a chat because I want to see what we can do to be better supporting you to get you up to standard for patrol.”

“Excuse me? Why are you only asking me?”

“This isn’t an attack Amber, this is for your safety but you aren’t progressing at the same rate as the others and I don’t want to see you fall behind.”

“You’re just picking on me because you have it out for me so don’t give me all of that caring bullshit because I see right through it.” She hissed, you bit your tongue and took a deep breath, desperately trying to keep your cool.

“Amber, your aim with a gun is nowhere near the standards of the others, you can’t hold your own in a fight even with one of the other girls, you struggle in the drills, you don’t understand tracking and you never know any of the answers to the questions we ask about survival tactics. I’m not picking on you, I’m stating a fact.” It was harsh but she needed to hear it. “I am willing, and so is Ellie, to put in extra hours with you to help but we can only help if you let us and stop being so stubborn.”

“I’ll do the extra hours with Ellie but I’m not spending anymore time with you than I have to.” You snickered at her comment, a wave of insecurity crashing over her features. You’d happily let Ellie take her for the extra training, you trusted her with your life but then Amber would be getting her way and you just weren’t willing to let that happen.

“Not gonna happen, nice try though.” You were going to leave it there but that eye roll and pout of her lip just sent you over the edge as you stormed over to her, closing the distance between you both. “Do you think I don’t notice your blatant flirting with my girlfriend? Do you think it’s going to get you anywhere? We live together, we have a child together, and when we go home together after training we laugh at your pathetic attempts on her. Stop being fucking delusional and get over yourself. I’m here to train you, not to be your friend so you either sort yourself out or I’ll tell Maria you’re not fit for patrol and she’ll find you some other boring job in Jackson.” She gulped and her eyes developed a glassy film. You had taken it too far but you were getting sick of her and she had just pushed you one too many times. “Now go home and come back tomorrow with a better fucking attitude because if you think I’m above kicking your ass you’re sorely mistaken. You saw how quick I took Harvey down, do you really think I wouldn’t crush you in a second?” She scowled at you before storming off, not quick enough that you didn’t see the fear in her eyes though.

“Ugh she’s just- it was as expected. We argued, I scared the shit out of her and she ran away with her tail between her legs, she’ll be the exact same tomorrow. Same shit, different day.”

“Damn, I don’t understand what her problem is.”

“I do, she doesn’t like me because of us and because I have a position of authority over her, she’s the weakest of the group and it makes her insecure and I’m the only one that will call her out on it.” You eye Ellie pointedly as she smiles sheepishly.

“I can take the next lecture, promise babe.”

“Eh she won’t even listen to you because she’ll be too busy ogling you.”

“Damn I’m feeling really objectified right now.”

“Oh shut up, you love it.”

“I only love the attention when it comes from you but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel good about myself.” She smiles smugly as she wraps an arm around your waist pulling you snug to her hip as she presses a kiss to your temple with a quiet chuckle.

“Who would’ve thought I’d be the scary one out of us?” You chuckle but it dies in your throat as she quirks an eyebrow at you as if your question was entirely absurd.

“Err everyone. You’re scary.”

“I am not!” You pinch her side and she squirms away from you with a hiss.

“You so are, it’s not a bad thing but you are terrifying. Do i need to remind you about you being a jailbird? My girlfriend is a convict, that’s scary, hot but scary.” You roll your eyes as the school comes into view and the bustle of parents awaiting their children is accompanied by the deafening squeals and yells of children bounding out of the gates like a stampede. You both stop and hold hands as you wait for Clem’s beaming face to come into view.

You crane your neck looking for the strawberry blonde locks until they catch your eye causing a smile to grace your features. Ellie had already released your hand to kneel down in preparation for Clem’s leap into her arms that had become customary when you would pick her up. You both exchange looks of concern when her face remains angled towards the floor and she trudges over to you both dragging her feet. You immediately move towards her and bend down in front of her as Ellie joins you seconds later, cupping her cheeks you angle her face to meet yours and the sight sends shockwaves through you. Her face was red and blotchy, the remnants of tears evident all over her cheeks but what struck you both more was the slightly raised red mark on her cheek that looked like the precursor of a bruise.

“Baby who did this to you?” Your voice was frantic as tears welled in your eyes at her sadness, it was the kind of sadness you hadn’t seen in her since the day you found her, the memory of that day cursed you and filled you with a rage you had never experienced before. She had been so excited for school this morning, it was show and tell and she had brought in a painting that her and Ellie had created with the watercolours you had gifted Ellie for her birthday, it was a replica of a polaroid taken on Ellie’s birthday of the three of you, Ellie holding Clem with her free arm around your waist as you all beamed at the camera. She had rushed you both out the door and practically skipped the whole way to school, babbling about how much she loved it and how interesting all her classes were and now she was sniffling and hurt, her entire demeanour oozing the pain she was in. You were so focused on the sorrow on her features you barely remembered asking her who caused her it until she answered you.

“T-Timmy.” Her voice was meek and quiet, the opposite of how it typically was as she sniffled and wiped at her eyes before wincing as she accidentally pressed on the welt forming underneath.

“What happened kiddo?” Ellie’s voice was calm, unlike yours but the scowl on her face gave her true feelings away.

“He made fun of me for having two mommies, so I told him he was ugly and smelly, because he is, then he hit me and pushed me in front of everyone. Please can we go home?” Every part of you wanted to chase Timmy and his parents down for what they had taught their child but Clem came first and she wanted to go home so that’s what you’d do.

Clem perked up quick enough, after dancing to her favourite record with you both and doing some painting with Ellie while you prepared dinner, she seemed almost normal again though it was clear what happened today was playing on her mind as she looked up from the table with glassy eyes.

“Why are people mean about you? I don’t understand, you’re the best mommies. Do they hate me?”

“Oh baby, no one hates you, you’re our perfect angel, don’t ever have thoughts like that, ever, okay?” Ellie was the first to speak as she noticed the slight gape of your mouth though you snapped back into action when Clem turned to you expectantly.

“Some people just don’t like that me and mama love each other. They don’t like that me and mama are young as well and we were so lucky to find you and make you a part of our family. They’re jealous and silly and I promise it’s nothing to do with you. I swear Timmy nor anyone is ever going to lay a finger on you again baby, some people are just silly and mean, do you understand?” She nods with a small smile before going back to eating as Ellie looks at you silently communicating the plan you knew you both had.

“Clemmy, I’ve gotta go out for a little bit but I promise I’ll be back in time to say goodnight, okay?” Ellie stands and presses a kiss to Clem’s forehead as she strokes the soft hair on her head.

“Okay Mama, I’ll miss you.”

“Oh you know I’ll always miss you more.” You stand and follow Ellie to the door kissing her sweetly before she ducks out leaving you and Clem to start her bedtime routine alone.

After her bath and three different books, Clem’s eyes were drooping and the yawn she tried and failed to hide was evident she’d be asleep soon. The sound of the door opening and closing let you relax and as Ellie walked in taking her place next to you at Clem’s bedside you smiled. She pressed a kiss to the girl's forehead. Clem cupped Ellie’s cheeks as she lazily opened her eyes smiling giddily, the love that was radiating from both of them warmed you, your heart sang, you could watch them forever and be perfectly happy with that. You were so wrapped up in your thoughts you didn’t notice them both turning to face you.

“Can you both cuddle me until I fall asleep?”

“Of course baby.” Ellie climbed over Clem’s body as you laid down on the other side of her. Clem cuddles into your chest as Ellie wraps her arm over the both of you, pulling you both in tighter to her. As Clem’s breathing slowed, you lifted your head slightly to look at Ellie who had been gently playing with Clem’s hair as she hummed a familiar tune to her. It reminded you of a time when your mother would sing the same song to you at bedtime.

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Hush little baby don’t say a word

Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird don’t sing

Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass

Mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke

Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat doesn't pull

Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull turn over

Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover

And if that dog named Rover won't bark

Mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart

And if that horse and cart fall down

well you'll still be the sweetest baby in town.

“I love you Mommy.”

“I love you too sweetie, I always will, sweet dreams.” Your father had read to you after they both gave you your nighttime bath, indulging in your childish play letting you splash at them until the water went cold and you began to shiver. You smiled up at your father as he kissed your forehead goodnight leaving your mum to sing you the same tune she always sang to you before bed. Sometimes you'd sing along and sometimes you'd just listen to her melodic voice as you let her tune coax you to sleep.

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The memory haunted you, it had always been such a fond one but now it burned your skin and stung your eyes. You pushed the thoughts to the back of your mind as you sang along to the tune Ellie was gently humming and you could feel the new memories being attached to the song that took the aching pain in your chest away as if it was never there.

You and Ellie both sneak out of Clem’s room once she’s firmly asleep and walk downstairs to greet Dina and Jesse who were sat in your living room.

“Thanks so much for watching her guys. We won’t be long.” You smile at them before going to slip your shoes on. As you return Ellie smiles grimly at you.

“You ready?”

“Fuck yeah.” Your eyebrows furrowed as the sudden fire ignited within you once again.

“Oh I would be shitting myself if I was them right now.” Jesse laughed though it was clear he was serious.

“Have fun going full mama bears on their asses!” Dina calls out to you as you both make your way out the front door and start the walk to Timmy’s house. You were never going to let his parents get away with teaching their child to be so hateful but you didn’t want Clem to see this side of you.

Ellie knocked on their door and as it swung open revealing a disgruntled man you both pushed past him into his home without a word.

“Erm excuse you, what do you think you’re doing?”

“We want to have a chat Rick, get your wife and sit down.” Your voice was monotone and your face deadpan but his scowl did not fade and he remained unmoving.

“Are you deaf? Get your wife and sit down.” Ellie repeated as she stepped closer to him, her face stony and her voice low and menacing. You watched as his face morphed into a picture of fear and it only made you smile, he scurried off returning with his wife, both seating themselves on their sofa, fidgeting and clearly unnerved.

“I’m assuming the school told you what Timmy did today?” They nodded as a response to your question, their eyes flicking between you and Ellie.

“Mm and I bet you couldn’t have been prouder right?” Their silence was adding fuel to the fire and as you observed Ellie pacing slowly beside you, it was clear she felt the same.

“Listen, if you have a problem with us, we couldn’t care less. But if your issue with us ends with our child getting hurt again, then we need to do something about it.” Ellie's voice was calm as she came to stand over them. “If Timmy ever comes near Clem again, I promise you, you will be looking for a new place to live because I will hunt you both to the ends of the Earth. You’ll never be able to settle because I’ll always be just on your heels. Do you want that life for Timmy? Never knowing when he’d be left alone in the world because his parents hatred cost them their lives. This is your only warning. Keep your snotty little shit away from our Clem or we will make sure the last thing you see is us smiling over your bodies. Don’t give me an excuse to do it, because I’ll enjoy every last second of it.” Their faces drained of all their colour and the sight was exhilarating to you. Ellie was always so gentle with you and Clem so you rarely saw this side of her but the few reminders you got never failed to stick with you, knowing she was acting this way to protect Clem, it only warmed you more. She walked to the door leaving you scowling in front of them.

“If you think Maria won’t be hearing of this, you’re wrong, expect a visit from her tomorrow. You’re the reason her niece's daughter was hurt today, she won’t take that lightly. I’d watch your backs if I were you.” You grinned as they visibly gulped before strolling off to meet Ellie at the door, her face matching yours. The walk back to your home was filled with childish giggles as you recounted the looks on their faces.

Even as you walked through the door of your home to find Dina and Jesse cuddled up on the sofa, you still couldn’t stop giggling.

“Assuming it went well then?” Jesse questioned with a quirk of his eyebrow.

“Oh yeah you should’ve seen their faces. Ellie went all ‘ah I’m so scary, I’m gonna hunt you down aghhh’ it was amazing!” You mocked Ellie’s deep, raspy voice that she had used while speaking to Timmy’s parents before bursting into laughter once again.

“I did not fucking sound like that! But it’s true, they shit their pants.” She looked smug as her chin raised to the air only causing you all to laugh more. You had been annoyed about yours and Ellie’s reputations after the few incidents over the past months that had painted you in a darker light but it served you both well today.

“That’s our girls!” Dina was beaming at you both as they stood.

“Thank you again for coming over on short notice. Did she wake up or anything?”

“No no, she’s been out like a light. Don’t keep thanking us anyway, we can use all the practise we can get.” Jesse breathed out as he rocked on his heels.

They said their goodbyes and left, leaving you and Ellie to collapse in bed, tired of the day.

“I know I joked but you going all scary to protect Clemmy was super fucking hot.” You cupped Ellie’s cheeks as you softly rubbed your nose against hers before resting your foreheads together with a smile.

“Hey it wasn’t just me, I heard what you said to them after I left the room. That was a nice touch.”

“Why thank you.” You giggled softly before your face turned sour again. “I just can’t believe we’re having to deal with shit like this. I mean, Ellie, she got fucking hit today. How many homophobes are there in this stupid fucking town?”

“I know, it’s ridiculous. This place is about as good as it gets and still, shit like this happens. I know what you mean about being done with it all but where do we even go you know?”

“Well I was thinking about that, remember that farm we stayed at before we found Clem, how perfect it was, how pretty the stars were from up there, how good the sex we had up there was hmm?” You dropped your voice seductively causing her eyebrows to shoot up. “We never got to go back and lock it up because of our little bundle of joy but I was thinking maybe Joel could watch her for a day and then Dina and Jesse have her for the night so we can go have a look around and see if it’s a viable option for us. I love our family, more than anything and the more I think about it just being us up there, the more I warm up to the idea, but obviously it’s close enough that we can still see everyone regularly and be connected to Jackson, what do you think?”

“Sounds fucking perfect babe. But I have one condition.”

“Oh yeah?”

“We have sheep, lots of ‘em, and a cow or two maybe, oh and we get to take Shimmer and Greg with us. We should have chickens too.”

“Sounds like more than one condition to me but I’m in.”

“You are going to make the cutest farmer.” She smirks at you as your eyebrows furrow.

“You’re going to be the farmer. I will sit pretty and watch you get your hands dirty.”

“Oh will you now?”

“Mhm you’re the one that wanted all the animals.”

“Well I suppose that’s fair. Do you think Clem will want to go?”

“El she’d follow you anyway, that girl has stars in her eyes when she looks at you. I think after today especially, she’ll be happy to go be farmers up in the hills.”

“Ah! So we will be farmers. I knew you’d see it my way.”

“You are ridiculous.”

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“Ellie look! It’s just up ahead, it looks fine oh my god I’m so excited!” You rushed out as you spurred Greg on towards the picturesque farmhouse that you had been dreaming about returning to since you left.

“Oh fuck yeah and it’s only taken us like an hour and a half to get here with the horses, it feels so far but so close at the same time.”

“I feel really fucking good about this babe!”

“Me too.” Ellie hummed and as you approached the gate you sucked a breath in, praying it would open freely.

“Ah!” You squealed as the gate swung open and you jumped off Greg barely managing to stop yourself from jumping about as you seemed one step closer to building a life there.

“Okay let’s stay alert just in case, you wanna sweep the house or the barn?” Ellie sounded serious but her voice failed to hide the giddiness in her as she hopped off of Shimmer and pressed a hand to the small of your back.

“Let’s do the barn together first so we can leave the horses in there and then go through the house, I wanna walk in there with you, this is a milestone!” You beamed causing her to chuckle and start leading you round the house and towards the barn.

Once the barn had been cleared and the horses were happily grazing on some hay you both walked back round to the porch, you practically leaping up the stairs and dragging Ellie behind you but before you could reach for the doorknob she yanked you back into her and pressed kisses from just below your ear down to your shoulder blade, swaying you both gently. There was a gentle breeze whistling through the air and it smelled so fresh and crisp, the air felt so much more cleansing than in Jackson, every breath you took making you feel light and renewed. A small white butterfly flew around you both before disappearing into the powder blue sky that was dotted with pristine, white clouds. There were patches of daffodils all over the field amongst other splotches of colourful flowers creating the most beautiful landscape.

“El come on- ah!” You were interrupted as Ellie lifted you bridal style into her arms and started fumbling with the door. “What are you doing?” You said through giggles.

“Practising for the real thing.” She nudged the door open and as you both walked through hearing nothing but sweet, serene silence you both snapped your heads towards each other and smiled. You grabbed her cheeks and pulled her in for a kiss that felt like you were melting into each other before she gently put you down and walked you towards the dining room table opposite the front door, her lips never once leaving yours, it started tender as she explored your mouth with her tongue, lapping at yours slowly, but it soon grew hungry and desperate, the passion radiating off of both of you, she still tasted slightly minty from when she had brushed her teeth this morning and it cooled the growing heat slightly. Her hands grabbed and squeezed at any expanse of skin she could find as she groaned into your mouth, the sound making your knees weak, relying on her to keep you upright as she reduced you to a puddle of desperation with just her lips on yours. You could barely think straight, your mind being clouded, everything becoming hazy as she devoured you. As your thighs hit the back of the table she grabbed at them and lifted you to sit on the oak, pressing herself between your legs and gently grinding her hips into yours, you whined quietly and wrapped your legs tighter round her waist, pulling her impossibly closer to you while gripping onto her hair like she was anchoring you to this plane of existence. The friction of your cores rubbing together could’ve generated electricity, it felt like it was as the hair on the back of your neck stood and you shivered with need. Shockwaves of energy rippled through you as the temperature seemed to rise impossibly higher between you both until you each pulled away gasping for breath, a string of spit connecting your lips together like the tether wrapped around each of your hearts that had kept you closely bound to her since the day you met, even when you hadn’t spoken all those years, the tether still tugged you in her direction.

Ellie bit her lip as she quickly unbuttoned your jeans and yanked them down your legs with your assistance licking her lips at the sight of the wet patch on your underwear. “Someone’s pent up huh? All this from a little kissing? Need to take better care of you don’t I babe?”

“Mhm, quit stalling, I’m so wet it’s uncomfortable El, need you to clean me up.” She groaned at your words and immediately kneeled down on the floor wasting no time slipping your panties to the side and burying her face between your legs. You’d think she hadn’t eaten for days with the way she was sucking you dry, your clit throbbing in her lips as her fingers teased your entrance. She knew your body better than you did, not even having to search for the spongy spot inside of you that made your insides turn to liquid. It was so easy she was chuckling into you as your hips ground themselves into her. Her tongue was her paint brush and your pussy was her artwork as she swirled it around every inch of you, she’d swap from flattening her tongue and almost making out with your cunt to small kitten licks that had you keening and whimpering. Her fingers curled as they pumped in and out of you, each time she’d hit your g-spot you’d jolt and gasp, the feeling was so intense you wanted to squirm away but she had you tightly pulled against her with her free hand gripping onto your hip hard enough there’d be faint oval bruises in her hands absence. “Oh fuck, right there baby, I’m so close, shit-” With a long, harsh suckle on your clit, her tongue working circles around it at the same time, it seemed to be the only occasion where she could multi-task, your body tensed with your release, your hips bucking onto her fingers as you ride out your high. “Ah fuck- OW!” You suddenly exclaim cutting yourself off mid-moan. Ellie quickly jumped up to face you, her lips and chin shiny with your slick that looked comical against her panicked expression.

“Babe what’s wrong? Did I hurt you? Fuck I’m sorry-”

“No, no you didn’t do anything. You were fucking amazing but I- I think I got a splinter in my ass.” You admit shamefully.

“No you fucking didn’t, oh my god turn around, let me see.” She couldn’t contain her laughter even as you frowned at her while hopping off the table and turning away from her. She pressed a hand to your back, bending you over the table and gently easing your underwear down your thighs as she inched close enough to your behind that you could feel her breath tickling your cheeks.

“Ellie stop being a perv, is there a splinter?”

“Ohh yeah, big one too, could see it from a mile away.”

“Why is your nose practically touching my ass then?”

“Because it’s really pretty.” You could practically hear the smirk in her voice before she made a sorrowful attempt at whistling that just sounded like air escaping through a slightly cracked window. You laughed and she smacked at your uninjured ass-cheek lightly.

“Ellie! Get the fucking splinter out!”

“Alright, alright. Ruining my fun you are.”

“I’m gonna ruin you when this splinter is out of my ass.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?”

“Both you heathen now hurry up!” She chuckled before quickly but gently removing the splinter earning a satisfied hum from you as you returned upright and faced her, unamused at her childish glee while inspecting the splinter between her thumb and index finger.

“So errr we should probably varnish this table or sand it or something before we move in here. Wouldn’t want Clem getting hurt.” Ellie declares.

“Oh yeah this is sooo about Clem and not just you imagining railing me nine ways to sunday on here.” You raise your eyebrows at her, you knew Ellie was thinking about making sure Clem didn’t get any splinters, but you also knew that wasn’t the reason for her comment. You were the one that worried about things like that, she was the one that would throw Clem over her head high enough that you’d gasp and scold her for how close Clem’s head was to hitting the ceiling. You frowned as she seemed completely unphased by your remark only staring at the splinter still.

“I’m keeping this, it’s a memento.”

“Ellie so help me god-”

“Relax babe, someone’s prickly.” She hunched over with laughter as you simply rolled your eyes and redressed yourself.

“You’re so unfunny.”

“Why are you always laughing then?”

“I really don’t like you right now.”

“Hey that’s not fair, I just made you cum in under like five minutes, that’s gotta be a record, be nice to me.”

“I’ll be nice to you when you drop the fucking splinter.” Without hesitation she turned away from you and hurled the splinter towards the front door.

“See, it’s gone, now kiss me woman.” She shut her eyes and puckered up her lips dramatically while making loud smooching sounds.

“You’re lucky I love you.”

“Doesn’t sound like kissing!” She sang before puckering her lips again to which you relented and pressed your lips against hers, smiling into the kiss as her arms wrapped around your waist. “Goddamn I love you.” You giggled as you stepped away from her and spun round the room, taking in everything you had missed in your frenzied state. So much had happened in such a short space of time but the house, the house looked like it was frozen, everything exactly as you remembered it from before. It just felt right, it felt like home.

“So er now we’ve christened the place, how about we take a look around?” You suggested, the heat in your cheeks barely subsiding.

“Oh yeah, I wanna christen each room before we go.”

“You’re an animal.” She laughed as she followed you all throughout the house until you were in the kitchen, both gazing out of the window above the sink at the field that surrounded the property. The long grass was swaying in the wind, two doves landed on the fence in front of the window and their chirps were a melody you could listen to forever. The sun was beaming making everything look even more vibrant than it already did, the mountains creating the most beautiful backdrop. “Imagine teaching Clemmy all about the animals and how to grow fruit and vegetables in the sun, nothing but quiet all around.” As you spoke you could picture everything in your head like it was already reality.

“And sitting outside at night, looking at all the stars, looking for constellations.” She spoke into your neck where her face was nestled, her arms wrapped around your front, swaying you both gently.

“We can read together on the porch, bundle up in winter and have hot chocolate out there while we watch the snow fall.” You add.

“Teach Clem how to ride the horses, the fields big enough.”

“Yes! She’ll love running around with all the animals, I bet she’ll love the chickens.” You both chuckle at the notion.

“She’s gonna make one her pet and then we’ll have a house chicken.” Ellie huffed as if she was already being faced with Clem’s puppy eyes as she clutches the clueless chicken to her chest begging for it to be her pet.

“Bet she’ll call it Eggbert whether it’s a boy or a girl.”

“That sounds like something I would do.”

“That’s exactly my point.” You turn to face her over your shoulder and smile as she purses her lips and nods slowly, her eyes narrowing at your smug face before breaking out into the widest grin.

“Babe I fucking love it here, I can picture our lives here and everything. You still want this?” She spins you to face her, the smile adorning her features would have been enough to convince you to jump off a cliff if that was what she wanted.

“More than anything.”

“Then, as long as Clemmy’s okay with it, we’re moving.” You squeal and press your lips against hers as she squeezes you against her, lifting you from the ground slightly and spinning you around until she staggered to a stop. “Oh fuck I’m dizzy.” She rests her hands on her knees and takes a few deep breaths that have her back visibly rising and falling causing you to chuckle at her playfulness.

“Okay, we need to look at the fence, the water, the gas and the electric, I’ve got used to some comforts in Jackson that I’m not prepared to give up just yet.”

“Let’s look at the fence because I don’t know who you think I am babe but I will have no clue about any of the other things.” Ellie stands upright once again, her hands finding their place on her hips as she tilts her head slightly at you.

“Oh right me neither, that can be a job for Joel and Tommy.”

“They’ve got their uses.” She grabs your hand and drags you back outside where you both just stand for a minute admiring the view.

₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

“Look this can be Clemmy’s room! Maybe you could paint something on her wall for her El!”

“Fuck yeah but come on you, it’s been a long day and we need our beauty sleep.” You groaned as Ellie ushered you towards the master bedroom, you just wanted to stay and keep fantasising, but Ellie was right, you were tired and you wanted to wake up bright and early to get back to Clementine tomorrow.

You each slipped off your clothes, you climbed in bed as Ellie cracked the window slightly to let the cool, summer night air breeze into the room. The only sound that could be heard was the faint chirping of crickets and your breaths as you both settle into the bed, cuddling into one another. You looped your arms around Ellie’s waist and pressed your face into her chest as she softly scratched patterns into your back. Your legs entangled with each other's as your heartbeats synced, it was serene and you felt the calmest you had felt in as long as you could remember. It felt almost perfect, but you knew once Clem was here with you both it would be perfect. You breathed in, letting Ellie’s scent linger and blur your senses more as sleep dragged you further into its embrace, she had always smelt of fresh washing that had dried in the summer breeze, it was comforting, everything about her was comforting. Her soft skin moulding against yours, the steady rise and fall of her chest, the way she clutched onto you subconsciously, she was home to you, she was always home to you, even when you weren’t speaking for those years, she still offered the comfort you so desperately craved.

₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

“Are you okay?” You didn’t have to look up to know who it was, her voice was etched into your brain, all you wanted to do was leap into her arms and clutch onto her, never letting go but you couldn’t. You had already pushed her away until your time together was blurring memories swirling around your head. You had pushed her away to keep your relationship with your parents but it still wasn’t enough, it was never enough for them. You swore they wanted nothing to do with you, banishing you out of the house because you had got into a fight and refused to divulge why. Ellie was why, and that would’ve only angered them more.

You had been sitting in the park, reading a book when Petra and Suze had enclosed on you, sitting down by your side with smiles. “Hey bookworm, what ya reading?” Petra questions.

“Persuasion by Jane Austen, it’s so good, romance books will always have a special place in my heart.”

“Another romance book huh? We gotta get you out in the real world, Jason’s got his eye on you, you know, we could set you two up.” Suze quirked her eyebrow as you grimaced.

“As much as that offer is so tempting, I’d rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly than go out with Jason.”

“What? What’s wrong with him?” He’s a guy and he’s not Ellie, you missed her every minute of everyday, Petra and Suze were a nice distraction but they were nothing like Ellie, you just wanted Ellie.

“I don’t know, I’m just not interested in him like that, he’s so full of himself, there wouldn’t be enough room in the relationship with me and his huge ego.” They both giggled at your harsh tone.

“Well that’s fair.” Silence settled around you as you watched the scenery, people-watching had always been one of your favourite pass-times but you found yourself doing it more now you were constantly searching for the auburn hair you used to run your fingers through, you had convinced yourself you’d seen her this time, that wasn’t a part of your imagination like it often was but Petra’s words confirmed you had actually been seeing her this time.

“Ugh there goes the town dyke. God she’s so fucking weird.”

“I know right, why would they even let her in? Throw her to the wolves I say.” Suze snickered and everything went red, your ears rang and your vision blurred, you only remember being yanked off of Suze as Petra lay just a foot away wheezing and coughing, cursing you under her breath.

Your parents had screamed, thrown things at you, yanked you by their iron grip around your wrists to barricade you in your room when you refused to explain why you had so viciously attacked the girls that were supposed to be your friends. You sobbed and sobbed until you heard your dad shifting whatever he had used to keep your bedroom door shut tightly. He didn’t speak, didn’t look you in the eye, just dragged you out of your room and straight outside where he shut the door after uttering. “Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.” That was it. You were on your own and the rain that started to pour from the heavens mirrored your mood as you wandered aimlessly until your legs grew weak and you collapsed by a tree, desperately hoping it would shelter you from the torrential downpour.

“Hey I said are you okay?” Ellie nudged your shoe with hers as you sniffled and spared a glance up at her only to bury your head back into your knees that you were holding to your chest with a small shake of your head. “Why are you outside in this weather? You’re gonna get sick. Go home.” Her tone wasn’t nasty but it wasn’t soft and sweet like it used to be with you, it was a slap on the cheek that you thoroughly deserved.

“I can’t” You weakly whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear, she kneeled down and stroked a hand down your hair, beckoning you to meet her worried gaze.

“They kick you out again?”

“Mhm.”

“What was the reason this time?”

“I fucked up Petra and Suze and I wouldn’t tell them why, they love Petra and Suze more than me so they’re really pissed.”

“Why’d you fight them?”

“Doesn’t matter.” You wouldn’t meet her eyes, you just stared off into the distance, occasionally hiccupping as a result of your sobbing.

“Get up.”

“Just leave me alone please Ellie.” She was too painful of a reminder of how alone you were, you’d rather be actually alone than in her presence.

“Just get up, c’mon. You’re not sleeping out here tonight. If you get struck by lightning I’ll feel kinda responsible.” Her tone was lighter than it had been and you chuckled slightly as you took her hand and let her pull you from the ground, immediately turning on her heel and letting you trail along behind her back to her home. You considered just disappearing from your place behind her, you doubted that she would notice before you were long gone as she seemed to avoid looking at you like she’d turn to stone if she did.

Her garage was exactly as you’d remembered it with a couple new additions to the trinkets that littered every surface and wall. You had always loved it here, it was so much more inviting than your home. You used to let yourself in and immediately flop down on her sofa like you owned the place but now you just stood by the door, shivering and fidgeting unsure of what to do from here. Ellie was busy at her makeshift kitchen, milling through cupboards and drawers.

“Have you eaten?” She turned to face you for the first time since she had found you and frowned at your uncomfortable demeanour. “Just sit down or something, you’re making me feel weird just looking at you.” She snapped, immediately regretting it as you flinched and dragged yourself to the sofa like she’d throw you out if you hadn’t. “Sorry, have you eaten?”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s not what I asked though is it? Have you eaten? Yes or no?”

“Yeah.”

“Fucking liar.” She bit her lip as your eyes flashed to hers, guilt painted all over your features. She couldn’t see you like this, it was too hard to not just wrap you in her arms and tell you everything would be okay, that she’s here for you, you wouldn’t let her do that and she couldn’t let herself so she just turned back towards the kitchenette and began making some dinner for you both. “You know where my clothes are, don’t sit in those wet clothes, if you wanna take a shower to warm up you can.”

“I’m-”

“For fuck’s sake can you stop being so fucking stubborn and just take care of yourself? Go warm up and put on some dry clothes.” She sniped leading you to rush away from her and into the bathroom without another word. “Shit.” She muttered as the bathroom door slammed shut, she was kicking you while you were down and she felt horrible but she couldn’t control herself around you, if she could she would’ve pretended she hadn’t seen you earlier and kept walking. She heard the shower turn on and faintly through the pattering of the water she heard sniffles and choked sobs that led her to press her ear to the door trying to listen in closer. It was clear as day, the sound of your sobs that you thought the shower muffled, her heart clenched and her skin itched as it felt like it was constricting around her, choking the air out of her. She stayed at the door, just listening, she knew she should’ve given you privacy but she felt glued to the wood separating you both, she only moved when the sound of the soup bubbling beckoned her over to turn the heat on the cooker down. She went to go back to the door but the sound of the shower turning off sent her leaping in the complete opposite direction, sitting at her desk and forcing herself to keep her eyes planted on the comic that had been resting atop as you walked out in a towel, her towel and shuffled over to the drawers where she kept her pyjamas. ��

She dished up the soup and handed you a bowl wordlessly before going back to the desk to eat hers, the tension was palpable between the both of you, the only sound filling the room being small metallic clinks of your spoons hitting the bowls over and over again as you scraped the remnants of the soup from the bowl. “Sorry it’s not much.”

“Thank you Ellie.” You walked over to her and took her bowl going to the sink to wash them up for her, it was the least you could do.

“You can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“No I’m not taking your bed too.”

“Just-” She went to snap but sucked in a breath and calmed herself down. “Just take the bed, please.” You breathed deeply before nodding your head and skulking over to the bed where you had once stayed almost every other night, climbing in cautiously, subconsciously crawling over to ‘your’ side of the bed.

“Thanks, night Ellie.”

“Night.” It didn’t take long for sleep to overtake you, you were exhausted and your head was pounding, sleep providing the much-needed reprieve from the emotions of the day.

The first thing your eyes focused on as you woke was Ellie’s sleeping form on the sofa, curled up under a blanket, her face was peaceful, washed of the scowl that typically took over her features around you now. Suddenly everything hit you like a brick and it felt like the air was getting sucked out of you as you rushed to change back into your clothes and get out of there as quickly and as quietly as possible. You were out of the door in under five minutes and the guilt only weighed you down with every step you took away from Ellie. She had been kind and helped you in a time of need and you ran off without a word. You didn’t know what you would say, how you could face her, it was too painful, going back to your home and facing the wrath of your parents would be kinder to your heart than staying with Ellie any longer.

Ellie woke, eyes immediately scanning the room for you but as soon as she noticed you were gone without a warning, without a goodbye, she felt like she was losing you all over again and her eyes welled with tears as she pressed her face into her palms and cried softly.

₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

“Hi baby! Oh we missed you, did you have fun with Uncle Jesse and Auntie Dina?” You squeezed Clem to your chest until you heard a little squeak leave her lips prompting you to release her and tuck a loose strand of her soft waves behind her ear.

“Yes! Uncle Jesse showed me how to play catch and Auntie Dina helped me make cookies, I have some to bring home!” Clem beamed before Ellie scooped her up and spun her around, eliciting giggles from the small girl.

“Aren’t you a lucky girl? Say thank you kiddo.” Ellie pressed a sweet kiss to Clem’s cheek as she propped her on her hip and bounced her slightly.

“Thank you! You guys are the best.” Clem’s happiness rubbed off on all of you as you all chuckled. You both thanked them profusely before leaving to go to Joel’s, you wanted to thank him in person also and you needed to discuss the move with him.

As you walked, Clem in the middle of you both, gripping onto your hands, she rambled and rambled about her time away from you both until she hummed quietly, signalling she was done. “Can you swing me? Can we swing? Can we, can we? Pleaseee.” You and Ellie both smiled at her before swinging her into the air from her arms. She’d do a jump into it each time and giggled sweetly as she soared through the air between you both. By the time you reached Joel’s, yours and Ellie’s arms ached and Clem seemed tired and subdued, her tiredness only being confirmed as you entered Joel’s and she immediately took herself to the sofa to lay down instead of running straight outside to her playset.

“Hi Joel, thanks so much for watching her yesterday. Didn’t give you too much trouble did she?”

“Oh not at all, she was an angel as always, how was your trip?” You and Ellie glanced at each other before beaming at him.

“It was perfect, you gotta see this house Joel, it’s a farmhouse with a fence around the property that’s completely intact, it’s got a barn, and the house has a wraparound porch, the view is amazing, it’s perfect.” Ellie rushed out as she sat at his dining table where he had already situated himself.

“So you wanna move there?” You both nodded hesitantly, anticipating his reaction. “Well me and Tommy will have to get up there, have a look and see if it’s functional, but if ya wanna do this and it’ll make ya happy, I support ya. I heard what happened to Clem the other day.” He didn’t have to finish his sentence, you all understood what he was saying. It seemed you had outgrown Jackson and he wanted you to be happy, he wanted Clem to be happy and carefree. “We’ll all pitch in and get ya up there.”

“Thank you Joel, we can’t tell you how much we appreciate this.” Your voice croaked slightly as you tried to hold in the tears of joy that welled in your eyes.

“Well I can see this makes ya happy and that’s all I want.”

“You’re really something old man.” Ellie chuckled, a smile so wide you expected her cheeks to ache as she looked between you and him, grabbing your hand and squeezing.

“You told Clemmy yet?”

“No actually, we wanted to speak to you first before we told her but we’ll talk to her about it today.” Ellie replied.

“I’m sure she’ll jump at the idea.”

“That’s what I said.” You looked to the girl dozing on the sofa as you spoke and everything felt like it was falling into place, your life being mapped out in front of you, the sight making your body buzz with excitement.

tags: @emiliabby@readbydayana@radioheadfan699@lil-elliesgf@isitadinosaur@amberputh@maelovescashew@a-little-bit-of-everybody@moonspowder@bready101

#ellie the last of us #ellie tlou #ellie williams #ellie williams tlou #ellie x reader #ellie x fem reader #tlou ellie #ellie williams smut #ellie smut #ellie williams angst #ellie williams fanfic #ellie williams fluff #ellie williams imagine #ellie williams the last of us #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x you #ellie x you

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strawbeerossi · 1 year

Note

I seen that you write angst and I have an idea to share with you because of some personal things that I went through with my own family.

Do you think you can write something about fem!reader and Spencer finding out that one of their children has leukemia? Maybe with death involved to show how intricate this situation can affect families? I know it’s a very loaded topic so I completely understand if you don’t wanna do it but I think you’d master the topic beautifully based off of your angst writing. ❤️

I hope you’re doing alright today, Tay

First off, I’m so sorry for your loss, lovebug. I hope I do this justice and thank you for trusting me with this topic. My DMs are open if you ever need to talk. 🩵

And I'm good today, thank you, honey.

Vilomah: Bereaved Parents

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Description: After their son succumbs to his illness, the Reid parents have to navigate the grieving process together along with the team who are there to help.

Content Warning: Child death, leukemia, details about a hospital stay, extreme grief after loss, a child’s funeral, parental grief, mentions struggles with eating, spousal argument, lots of tears, descriptions of feeling empty and depression, the team is there for the Reids, spousal comfort, hurt/comfort.

Word Count: 3.3K

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I cried like a baby writing this. I hope I captured what you were looking for anon.

“Memories saturate my heart and the story of you spills from my eyes.” – Grace Andren

There were many horrors that Spencer faced in his line of work; murderers, rapists, cannibals, the lot of it. He was also faced with grief more often than not, losing Maeve and Gideon being the two most notable times where he was forced to face the fact that everybody dies at some point, no matter who they are.

That wasn’t enough to prepare him for the cruelest thing life had to throw at him. Benjamin was diagnosed with leukemia when he was just two months shy of four-years-old, more specifically it was Chronic Myeloid Leukemia.

The first few months were seemingly okay. He was responding well with the treatment, his little body growing stronger with each passing day. There were plenty of ice cream days to celebrate whenever Ben could function as good as he could before the cancer. Not to mention all the gifts his aunt Penelope would send.

There was hope, so much hope that Y/N and Spencer didn’t let the thoughts of losing their son loom over their head.

That was until he got sick again, this time much worse. It happened suddenly, Ben went from eating some fruit snacks and watching a movie to losing consciousness and growing pale. Spencer never thought he could get home faster than what he did when he got the phone call. Emily sent him home immediately after hearing the news, telling him to get home to his family and that she would check in.

The next few weeks were spent in the hospital, the bright lights being harsh on the eyes of the sore eyes of the Reid parents. Y/N didn’t sleep but for a few hours a night, any small movement or sound from Ben or his machines waking her up. Spencer had grown to not sleep for that long, surviving off maybe an hour a night and ten cups of coffee to push forward the following morning.

However, the suffocating realization of the inevitable was starting to soak in. Spencer wanted nothing more than for his son to make a recovery but as a man of science, that hope dissipated as he noticed the signs. People got better before death, so whenever Ben was showing all the signs of surging, it was enough to kill Spencer.

Even after they had a conversation with their doctor, the woman telling them that surging typically happens one to two days before death, it was like Y/N wouldn’t take that. She would say that he was fine, that he was healing.

It was denial.

The day they lost him was the hardest of them all. The air was suffocating that morning, there being a bitter winter chill. Spencer had gone to work, as usual. There was a case, one about a man who was killing women who resembled his birth mother after she rejected him from her life. He was distracted, like any father on the verge of losing his child would be.

He knew he shouldn’t have gone to work but he was losing his mind, being overwhelmed with the knowledge of the inevitable. He liked to think that if he and Y/N didn’t discuss it, it wasn’t real. As a man of science, he knew the risks of believing something like that.

Still, he gave himself false hope.

However, his heart stopped beating for a split second as he could feel his phone buzzing, the world freezing around him as he couldn’t hear the others around him. He knew what this call was. It took JJ shaking Spencer’s shoulders to snap him out of his thoughts. “I have to go.”

Making it to the hospital, he dreaded going inside. However, he was running through the hospital doors not bothering to check in at the front desk as he was going as fast as his legs could carry him to reach his son’s hospital room.

Judging by the heart wrenching screams of agony from his wife on the other side of the door, Spencer knew what to expect as his shaking hand was opening the hospital door. The sight of his wife cradling their son was enough to make him drop to his knees.

The nurses and doctors looked at the small family, feeling the sting of heartache as they’d gotten to know the Reid’s over the past year.

Spencer’s legs were like jelly, the tears cascading his face being enough where he was sure he could fill up the hospital room in tears, enough to drown in. They were able to stay as long as they wanted to, even if it was hours later.

“Do you have his blanket?” Y/N asked, voice raw from the screaming and uncontrollable sobbing from before. “I don’t want him to get cold..” She whispered, looking at their son who looked like he was sleeping against his father’s chest. “In the bag.” The words were shaky, the father keeping his son close while letting his forehead rest against Benjamin’s smaller one.

After they were laying the little boy down again, Y/N was slowly putting the blanket over the child before she was leaning down to kiss his forehead, which had begun to grow cold from the hours his parents took to say goodbye. The parents clung to one another as they were being forced to walk out of the hospital.

After that, their life lost all its color. Waking up to an alarm rather than to a happy little boy jumping on their bed just wasn’t the same. There was no laughter in the house, no warmth. The atmosphere was just as cold as the weather outside. No matter how many days that Penelope came over with baskets filled with small goodies to try and lift their spirits, or how Luke would come by to check in and bring food over that the two parents just couldn’t stomach.

The day of the funeral was when every ounce of denial was fizzing away. Next came anger. Y/N was moving a bit slow, honestly not wanting to rush and be greeted with the sad looks of their friends and family. Spencer was ready twenty minutes prior, wanting to rush the grieving process and just accept everything immediately, even if it was impossible.

“Please hurry up.” His voice was laced with irritation, making wife look up from her shoes as she was playing with the strap. “I am hurrying..” She spoke softly, a frown on her face as she slowly got the shoes on. “You don’t have to have an attitude, by the way.”

That was the start of something ugly.

“Well, you don’t have to take thirty years and expect Benji to walk through the door.” The words were deep cutting, very uncharacteristic of the loving man she married.The words had his wife stunned in place, her mouth falling open. “You don’t have to be an asshole and keep reminding me of where we are going.” She spat, moving to brush her hair back before standing.

“You can’t keep acting like things are going to change. He’s gone, Y/N. No matter how bad we want him back, we will never get him back.” They were growing angry at one another at the wrong time. Before the yelling could start, there was a soft knock on the door. With a soft sigh, Spencer was turning around and heading to the sound of the soft knocking.

The sight behind the door was enough to make his heart clench. There was Derek, the man offering a sad smile. “Hey, kid. I came to pick you two up. How’s the missus doing?” He asked, chuckling as Spencer was rushing to tightly hug his best friend, his hand slowly patting the younger male’s back. “Hi Derek.” Y/N offered a weak smile once she was closing the bedroom door.

“Hey mama.” His voice was soft and careful, heading over to wrap his arms around the woman before kissing her cheek. “I was thinking that after everything, we could all go out to lunch.” He wasn’t stupid, he could tell that the two parents were neglecting themselves, he’d talked to the team.

This was a sensitive time, so he understood. However, he wasn’t going to sit idly by either. He’d be damned if he let them both slowly waste away. Benjamin sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted that.

“I don’t know, Derek. I don’t think I can deal with everyone looking at us with pity. You know how many people have told me that they hugged their babies tighter because of this situation? It hurts. Not nearly as helpful as people think..” The woman spoke while slowly rubbing her face.

“It’ll just be us. The team, our family.” He attempted to coax both parents, the two not being able to get out of it in the end.

The three eventually made it to the graveyard where they were confronting the one thing that they didn’t want to face. The Reids were approaching the plot that they’d purchased for the family, Y/N having to collect herself at the sight of the coffin waiting by the open plot.

“There you two are,” Penelope looked like she’d been sobbing already, her arms wrapping tightly around both parents. That was where the floodgates broke, both of them tightly clutching onto the blonde enough to suffocate her.

The ceremony was beautiful, despite the flood of tears and pain deep in the chests of all that were closest to the child who they were laying to rest. It was something honorable, Benji even having his uncle Aaron there to say a final goodbye. Even surrounded by love, there was still an emptiness, a void that would never be filled.

What came next made things worse, the parents having to say goodbye as soon as the casket was being lowered in its plot, Y/N and Spencer wrapped up in one another’s embrace while their hands were clutching each other’s clothing. The wife was letting her head rest against her husband’s shoulder, their tears soaking one another’s clothes and hair.

It was just them now, with the ghost of their sweet angel who would keep a watchful eye over his parents, whether they knew it or not.

Dave was approaching the parents, his hand resting on Spencer’s shoulder as he cleared his throat to catch their attention. “I want you both to know that I will be here for you both, always.” David Rossi, the father of the team, it seemed. As well as being uncle Dave to all the kids, Benji included.

“I heard that you two agreed to come to lunch.” He spoke softly, eliciting a small smile from Y/N. “We are.” She said softly, truly unable to say no to him. “We are having it in my backyard. Why don’t you two ride with me?” He suggested, making both Spencer and his wife look at one another.

They weren't getting out of this, so they complied and followed behind David.

The only problem was that so many amazing things happened in that backyard, Benji’s baby shower being one of them.

“Baby Reid is getting so big,” JJ gushed, her hand on Y/N’s swollen bump as the woman laughed in content. “Isn’t he? He’s also been kicking the hell out of my ribs, I feel like he's punishing me.” Y/N joked.

Finding out that she was pregnant was the best thing that ever happened. Of course, there were jokes of Spencer and Y/N not even waiting a year after they got married before she was already pregnant.

It was funny, really. Spencer was highly convinced that the baby was conceived on the first week of their honeymoon, the two being a little too into that talk while they were in the middle of sex, the filthy words of her being swollen with his baby becoming literal.

Diana was thrilled the moment that she saw her son and his wife on one of their visits, the woman being more thrilled at the prospect of her little Spencer having a child of his own. She would say that she knew before they even told her.

“Mothers always know, Spencer. We are animals, we can feel things.” Were her exact words, something that she said Y/N would understand one day.

“Bella!” David smiled, the term of endearment being a newer one that he used for Y/N after the pregnancy, something about how she looked gorgeous because she was glowing. It was sweet, she had to admit it. “Hi, David.” Y/N grinned, her arms wrapping around the older man in a hug before she was pulling away. “You and Penelope did a beautiful job, by the way!”

Almost as if she were summoned, the bubbly blonde was hurrying over to flash a smile. “There you are my gorgeous girl! How are you feeling?” She asked, her hand cautiously rubbing her baby bump once Y/N gave her the okay.

“I’m doing good, actually. This boy is gonna be the death of me though. I was craving dirt the other day.” Her nose crinkled. “Weirdness. However, this baby is a Reid so that’ll explain it better than anything else.” Penelope joked.

“It’s actually more normal than you might think. One theory links pica cravings to iron deficiencies. Another theory suggests these cravings develop as an adaptive response to the way the immune system changes during pregnancy.” Spencer smiled while letting his arms wrap around his wife from behind, his lips pressing a kiss to her cheek before his hands were coming underneath the heavy bump, lifting it up gently to take some of the pain from his wife’s back.

It was enough to make the woman sigh of relief as her head was tilted back against his shoulder. “You are such a lifesaver.” She breathed while briefly closing her eyes.

Spencer was attentive and loving, paying attention to her much more after the pregnancy was discovered.

This was a dream.

This was a nightmare, the memories rushing back to Y/N as she was walking into the backyard where all those sweet memories lived. It was emotionally draining, so much so that her hand was reaching aimlessly for Spencer’s.

As soon as her husband realized what she was doing, he was slowly approaching his wife and letting his hand tightly grip onto hers. He didn’t realize how bad they needed this, to have a reminder that they still had each other. He figured it was implied but this made a bit of weight lift off his chest.

“I know it may be a bit hard to laugh right now,” Penelope began as she was offering a smile. “But I know how much Benji used to love having dinner with all of us, no matter where we went.” She began, making a soft, sad smile spreading across Y/N’s face.

“So, I figured that I would honor one of my favorite godson’s in the best way possible. Instead of boring adult food, I made extra sure to get the best of the best.” Being a four-year-old, Benjamin was just as picky as the next kid.

“Don’t tell me,” Spencer began, looking over as she was happily showing off the meal she had catered. It consisted of all the essential food groups of a young child; chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, and french fries.

Hank, Michael, Henry, the Simmons children and Jack were all over the idea of that. The adults, though, couldn’t help the soft laughter. “Benji would definitely approve.” Y/N offered a soft smile, shaking her head fondly. “Even up until the end, he had to have his nuggets.” Spencer added, a few tears springing up in his eyes at the pleasant memory, even in the darkest time of their lives.

“I don’t want that..” Benjamin wrinkled his nose as he was pushing away the soup that the hospital was giving him, making Spencer look up from his book. “It’s good for you, Benji. Try it.” He urged on, a smile as he put the book down after finding his bookmark.

“Daddy, no. It’s yucky. It smells yucky.” He continued on, the four year old running the spoon through the bowl.

Like his mother, he was dramatic about it, gagging at the mere thought of eating what he was given. “I want chicken nuggets.” He whined out, now looking at his mother, who was sighing in content.

“Take a few bites and try it! If you try it and you don’t like it, I’ll go get you some nuggets. Sounds fair?” She asked, keeping the stern tone yet offering a sweet smile, knowing damn well that he’d get his way in the end anyway. Even if he liked the soup.

“I’ll try it but I might be sick, mama.” He warned, looking at the broth with vegetables before he was taking a good amount on the spoon.

He eyed it over before pushing it into his mouth. Both parents couldn’t help the laughter falling from their lips as Benji pulled a face, looking offended he was even made to try it.

“Blegh! Nasty!” The animated child was pushing the tray table away as Y/N was already getting up to grab her keys. “I’m going! I’m going! Make sure that you watch your daddy, you know he likes getting into too much trouble.”

As everyone had a plate in front of them, everyone was looking at the Reids, expectant of them to get up. Derek was the one who was already making two plates before placing them down in front of the two. “There you are pretty boy and pretty girl, no need to get up.” He knew what he was doing.

Even with the lack of appetite, Y/N was slowly picking up her fork before collecting a bit of the mac and cheese on her fork, slowly moving to push the fork in her mouth. She didn’t realize just how hungry she was before that bite. Of course, barely eating for two weeks would do that to you.

Spencer seemed to be on the same page, the two unknowingly eating like they hadn’t eaten in years. The group said nothing about it, although they shared collective glances and their eyes were glistening over with relief.

They were eating enough to actually keep themselves alive, to keep themselves from falling ill and being stuck in the hospital being fed through IVs. After all they went through, they didn’t need to be in another hospital for a long time.

The rest of the day was spent with their family rather than them being locked up at home, real smiles gracing their features for the first time in forever. Being together in a quiet home was taking a huge hit at their mental health.

This was what they needed. Their full support system.

It was later on in the evening before Y/N and Spencer had gotten home, the two ordering takeout for dinner whenever they arrived at home. The wife was looking over the picture of their family that she had hanging up in the kitchen, a soft smile on her face. He looked so peaceful today, didn’t he?” She asked, her voice soft.

“No more pain, no more weakness.. Just peaceful.” Spencer added on, looking up from his hands. “Y/N.. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It was horrible to say,” He said as his wife was offering a gentle smile. “I understand. It’s hard right now but.. Spencer, I love you. With every fiber of my being. Please remember that.”

It was what he needed to hear, his head nodding. “I know. I love you so much, baby. Thank you. I’m here for you, even if you just need to cry and be taken care of.” The taller man was standing up before heading over to tightly hug his wife. “You’re so strong. So fucking strong.” He spoke softly while kissing the top of her head.

All they needed to power through this together was each other, they would make it through this for Benji over all else. It was what he would've wanted , their love to persevere.

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ackerifle · 9 months

Note

Yandere Levi finding out reader is pregnant by another man

a word with you!

yan. no regrets levi ackerman x fem prostitute. reader

+ CW. — harassment, coercion, delusional behavior, kidnapping, confessions of murder, threats of domestic violence/abuse, implied: slight past age-gap relationship, baby-trapping; darling’s pseudonym is galatea; not proof-read.

it was simply too good to be true, you had known it then, and you know it now. but wishful thinking and desperation will do terrible things to good people, no soul would willingly continue living in the underground should they find themselves with any better alternative. at a constant risk of disease and decay, mother nature’s evident distaste for her children dwelling beneath the surface, careless to the living that remained untouched by the sun. abandoned by its creators in favor of more ‘pressing matters,’ the people left relinquished in a forgotten city of ruins had fallen on hard times, people like yourself.

and thus, you had found yourself in quite the predicament. although nothing in your life had ever come particularly easy, and this once, just this once, you could manage all on your own. there was no shame in working in a brothel, not when the people around you were often worse off than yourself, and pride was a small price to pay for simply surviving. it was only once you had first bared witness to the frequent deaths of the other prostitutes had you ever come to the realization that the madam must have really favored you a lot— to clean you, to clothe you, to feed you, to care for you; to keep you. but the state of affairs in the underground have since changed from the time of your youth, you’ve changed. you wanted out, and you were not immune to making grave sacrifices for what you wanted.

you’ve encountered and met many clients in your time, men and women alike, and it is rare for new faces to draw your attention. but as of late, there has been one. a soldier from the surface, a military police member who seemed far too young to be venturing below the safety and security of the royal capital by himself, and far too naïve to be falling absolutely head over heels for some prostitute who only offers an hour and faux moans in return. it almost tugs at your heartstrings, almost. he isn’t as innocent as he looks, and you are reminded why terrible things happen to good people. he had held citizenship over your head since the moment he met you, through legal marriage, and one simple request: that you give him a child. after all, who was a man of his merit to invest such a scrupulous amount of time into a common whore without the reassurance she won’t leave him right away?

so you do, allowing him to touch and hold you in a way your other clients could only dream of. to whisper sweet nothings in your ear about your future together, because admittedly, you too are thinking the same thing. thinking about your future, but you find that there is nothing romantic about it. and perhaps the worst of it all, he hasn’t come back for you.

laying down on your tarnished bed of tattered sheets and thin blankets, you stare aimlessly at the darkened ceiling. without thought and without interest, it has been weeks, maybe months, and you think you’ve truly fallen ill, “dammit, i knew i shouldn't've let that prestigious prick back in here.” forever grateful and beholden to the brothel keeper, she continues to tend to your needs, even now.

“look at you. so sad, little girl.” the madam coos apathetically, but her actions say otherwise. a gentle hand checks your temperature, brushing aside any loose strands of hair with the swipe of her thumb. her frown only deepens when she just barely pushes your head back, met with complete compliance as your head tilts further into the pillow from even the slightest of movements. somehow, you’re still so tired and still so restless, “i’m sorry.”

she’s upset with you. she’s been upset with you ever since you’d been involved with that shady scumbag, but truthfully the madam is more upset with herself. and she wants to ask why you of all people are apologizing, but she doesn’t, “i’m sorry too.” there is more she yearns to say, her mouth is still open, as if to somehow keep you responsive in this one-sided conversation, but nothing comes out. and it’s too late when there are three loud and concise knocks banging on the door downstairs.

the madam is quick to pry a worried hand from your unresponsive body, storming towards the exit of the oppressive room, but not without taking a curious glance in your direction. her remorse does not last long, as she shuts the door with a shove, but is intentional in not forcing it too hard. and you are left alone. swallowing dryly, your eyes dart around the room, and you wonder just how intense that person must have been hounding at the door for both you and the madam to hear it from a story above. but that was no matter, it was already noisy in the brothel, the walls were thin because peace and quiet was no luxury anyone living there could afford; and who knows how many women you shared the small space with. and surprisingly, it benefitted you greatly to be sick, as the madam refused to work you; and you’d known girls who worked during pregnancy, it never did end well for them.

deafening commotion could be heard ringing throughout the brothel, to the point it had felt as if the walls were shaking and the building was caving in. you chalked it up to hysterical figments of your imagination, that the floorboards beneath your bed weren’t vibrating, and that the sound of a panicked woman and determined man arguing with one another weren’t getting closer, “sir! galatea isn’t well, she’s not seeing anyone right now!”

“i don’t give a shit, lady. i know name is still here, she hasn’t left this fucking whorehouse in a month.” it pains you that you recognize this voice, and it isn’t the one you want to hear.

brazenly, the door is reopened with much more ferocity and wrath than it had initially been closed with, and it startles you. despite anticipating a confrontation as the verbal fight had neared your room, it comes as a surprise when the door nearly breaks free from its hinges, revealing an all too familiar black haired man. he looks awful in the dour lighting, and he adorned a uniform that haunted your very soul. a lesser version of what the military police had dressed in, lacking the coat with their respective symbol, it was the odm gear that struck you odd. eyes averting, you had noticed madam — who was standing behind him, with a languid arm extended towards his figure as if to grab him — was somehow much worse for wear as she had a dramatic hand over her heart as she caught her breath.

you regret not locking the door, but then again, that has never stopped levi from doing what he wants. he calls to you only by your name, and your spine crawls. whipping his head around, the hand levi had placed over the hilt of one of the unsheathed blades draws it from the holder, and he wastes no time in threatening the madam. it only takes the sight of the sharpened edge looming dangerously close to her neck for you to yell at her to get out. she hesitates, and you know why, the madam has failed to protect you countless times from levi, but this will be the time it counts, and she knows it too. but the downright malicious glare levi sends her way has her halted in her steps, and she makes no effort to stop levi as he enters the room and places a deceivingly quiet palm flat on the door, all whilst maintaining eye contact with her, before he slams the door behind him.

you set your hand on the bed, forcing yourself to sit up as levi stomps his way over to you. and the closer he gets, the more uncharacteristically messy you realize his clothes are. the white shirt he so often wears is not clean, it’s rather dirty in all honesty, sullied with what appears to be sidestreet grime and dross filth. his boots are muddy, dragging in sludge and black water that hadn’t already been scraped off at the doorstep and staircase. but perhaps what was the most disturbing were the stains of blood on his gear, ranging from inconspicuous flecks to big streaks that were likely still wet. levi must’ve noticed your perturbed observation, because when he finally finds himself standing before you, he bends down and grabs your jaw in his hand, roughly squeezing your face, and leaning down until your noses are just barely touching.

“i leave you alone for a month, and you let some piece of shit from the mp’s knock you up?” it’s his eyes that are the scariest, more than his strength, and you crumble underneath his scrutinizing gaze. your retaliation is much more timid than you intend it to be, as if you were guilty and confessing your sins. sins of disloyalty to a man you aren’t even with in the first place, “you can’t expect me to want to stay here, i saw a way out, and i was going to take it.”

it doesn’t cross your mind to question how he knows all of this. you’ve simply accepted it as fact that you will never experience true privacy after meeting levi. in retrospect, it’s ludicrous that you’re even explaining yourself to him, but you are and it’s not helping your case, “and how did that work out for you?” levi spits venomously, violently shaking your head side to side in his grasp until your eyes were rattling in your skull. levi only lets go to prop his foot up onto the side of the bed.

instinctively, you lean away from his knee, which is almost parallel to your head, setting your hand on his calf in an attempt to direct his body away from yours. levi places the blade he had refused to release from his grip back into the metal box it belonged in, dropping his leg to the ground and hoisting you up by your shoulders, “groveling at the feet of those pigs, you’ve become real pathetic, haven’t you?” you want to defend yourself, to call him a hypocrite, to call him pathetic for harassing someone like you that was undeserving of his badgering.

“how did you even know he was a soldier?” deflecting the topic from yourself to your genuine concerns, you go limp in his arms as levi twirls you around the room until he’s satisfied with your placement. positioning you in front of the windows, leaning slightly on the stool as he pushed you backwards until you could feel the cold glass frame through your nightgown. levi slovenly flicks the sash lock, holding onto the lift and pushing the window up, “where do you think i got all of this from?” you didn’t need any clarification to know that levi was referring to his equipment.

your chest tightens, constricting your airway as you stop breathing altogether to attain perfect stillness. you only look at him with vacant eyes, and it becomes too much when he doesn’t elaborate any further, “what did you do, levi?” he sticks his head through the window, ducking to avoid hitting his head on the top rail, and peering down at the ‘city,’ below. it isn’t as if he needed to, there wasn’t anyone on the streets. when levi pulls himself back into the room, he slings an arm around your hips to bring you closer, “what do you think i did? the man’s dead, do i have to spell it out for you?”

the prickling sensation underneath your skin erupts in waves across your entire body. you were no stranger to the realities of what went on around you, the hushed rumors of what men and women who had the will to do what they wanted to others simply because they were capable, and not out of survival necessity, “you’re sick, what is wrong with you?”

“call it what you want, but he has nothing for you. you want to leave the underground? hmph, well don’t we all?” levi mocks contemptuously, tightening his hold when he feels you threaten to slip away in the slightest. he moves you around like a rag doll by the sides of your body, until you're in front of him. levi closes the little space that was left between you, until you’re forced to grab onto him for support, seeing that straining your wrists to secure yourself by the windowsill was becoming too painful, “we can go wherever you want, but you won’t be going anywhere without me.”

suddenly, levi veers down. his body collapsing onto yours until you’re nearly halfway out of the window, and he, looming over you, “oh my god, what is wrong with you?!” you repeat, blood rushing to your head as you try to prevent your upper half from being upside down and being taken by gravity completely. levi guides your arms around his neck, loosely as you refuse to acknowledge you’re even embracing him in the first place, but your fear of falling surpasses your personal grudges. and in one swift motion, levi thrusts the rest of your body out of the window, and he follow suits mere seconds afterward. and you scream, as loud as humanly possible.

levi’s body never leaves yours, and you’re uncertain as to whether it’s because you won’t allow it, or because he won’t allow it. either way, the detach hold you had on his neck fastened into a tight chokehold the moment you had felt yourself even remotely lean back any further. the landing is much smoother than you anticipated, levi doesn’t let you touch the ground before he does. and if you hadn’t shut your eyes, or buried your face into the crook of his neck, you may have gotten to witness the vertical maneuvering equipment in action; what used to be a dream for you, to leave with it, but you could kiss those fantasies goodbye now that they found themselves in the hands of levi. and he’s cautious, all too cautious with you.

you’re trembling like a leaf, and he thinks that if he lets go of you, you’ll fall to the ground, “don’t think you haven’t pissed me off, now. there’s a million things i ought to do to you after getting with that sorry excuse of a man.” levi rests a warning hand on your shoulder, loutishly hauling you towards him until you just about trip over your feet. he makes sure you’re aware of the desolate area that surrounds you two; and it becomes increasingly obvious that no one would come to intervene. if not by your shrieking, then never. levi tilts his head with an unimpressed frown, “you’re lucky you’re pregnant with our kid, because i won’t even be half as merciful once they’re born.”

#ackerifle #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere attack on titan #yandere aot #yandere aot x reader #yandere levi ackerman #yandere levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x reader

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vorenado-m · 3 months

Text

happy disability pride month! please consider helping me take back my life as a disabled person!

the TL;DR is that for the last 3 months i have had an absolutely soul-sucking miserable minimum wage retail job that, due to the way scheduling works (and the app being broken as fuck) has prevented me from having access to literally any of the life-saving mental health/medical care i need as a disabled person.

my disability is best managed through a combination of medication, therapy, and casework-- not a single one of which i have had since march! :) contextually, up until i got this job, i took three daily medications and had casework once a week and therapy once or sometimes twice a week. these services are offered at an affordable cost to me through a local organization that is threatening to close my case due to lack of participation.

ill make another, more detailed post later with some of the services i can offer for money (i draw! i code! i write!) but until then here is a code you can scan if you have a few dollars to spare:

there are more details beneath the cut (idk about you guys but im kinda nosy so i wrote some more stuff in case anyone else is also nosy) but thats the gist of it. you can also always ask for details. i dont have a therapist right now so it might feel good to say things.

my plan is as follows: i would like to take the month of july more or less "off" from work to get my affairs in order, starting with scheduling appointments for therapy and casework and getting back on my meds. i am actively looking for a job, but i would like the ability to be somewhat picky instead of applying everywhere i think might have me for the sake of having money coming in to pay rent.

for the last two years i have made less than $800/mo and i can survive on roughly $600-$650 a month. my july rent ($550) is paid and my august rent (at least $500) is most likely also squared away, through a combination of some cash i was hoarding, a previous donation, my last expected paychecks from my current job, and my brother generously offering to cover whatever is left over. the extra $100ish is for roughly a months supply of the food that is part of my daily routine that i get cranky without (i have tea every morning, for instance.)

i have a fantastic roommate who is not struggling as much financially who will do everything in her power to make sure i have access to staple foods (rice, eggs, etc) so i really just need to buy the things only i consume (kimchi, milk, etc.) there is a food bank i go to, so i am not worried about food, but i can only go to it once per month. we have a barter system where i trade her the things i dont want from the food bank and she buys me things i will eat; alternatively, i sometimes give her things i get from the food bank (eg meat) that she turns into meals for both of us.

i live independently/"alone" with roommates and do not have support from my family pretty much at all. they have never been particularly useful for emotional support and have openly denied me financial support since i was a teenager. moving in with them/getting help from them/talking to them is not an option.

i have emailed my caseworker at the mental health organization i work with as well as my caseworker with the disability vocational program i work with to help me find a new job that is "back of house" and requires less customer interaction. i did this over the weekend, so i expect to hear back from them sometime this week. in the meantime, i am searching for jobs on my own in places like indeed, jobhat, careerbuilder, etc. as well as checking company websites of places like chain grocery stores to see what is available in my area.

my job pool is a bit limited due to the fact that i cannot drive (due to both my disability and the medication im supposed to be taking for it) but i am very well-versed at taking the bus, which is free. getting to and from work is not a concern for me; it is being able to do the job without being driven to the edge of a mental breakdown that is the problem.

the disability vocational program is my ticket out of poverty! last month i had a follow-up evaluation (i had to call out of work for it, but frankly i was at the end of my rope then too) where they approved my career goals as a web developer and we are in the process of deciding what my next steps are! the program will likely (depending on what route i take) help pay for vocational training, too, but i obviously have to pay rent while in training. which i think i can do if i have a job that doesnt make me want to die.

i have some other things that make my life a bit harder (im mixed race, i am nonbinary + gay, etc) but i would say those things dont really impact my ability to get a job as much as the disability does LOL which is why i did not feature them prominently in this post. like, the reason i cant get a job isnt because people dont want to hire me because i have blue hair and pronouns, its because im obviously disabled.

if you have any other questions, no matter how intrusive you think they might be, feel free to send a DM or an ask, and i will try to answer.

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doberbutts · 1 year

Text

As Disability Discourse 2.0 crosses my dash yet again I am left sort of wondering where the line is.

I am physically disabled. I am also neurodivergent. I do not consider myself mentally ill but I know that there are people out there with my exact diagnoses that do consider themselves mentally ill.

I have a brain injury. You can point to it on an MRI. I have the images to prove it. I had to re-teach myself how to speak. Those weird typos I have sometimes? Yeah my brain just reads letters wrong and sometimes spits out the wrong word or tense or grammatical structure sorry, that’s what happens when your brain gets shaken around in your head like a maraca following a serious car accident. I have a permanent tremor in my right hand and arm which results in me being incapable of fine motor control when having a flare. I am photosensitive and relatively intolerant of stress. I knocked an eye loose and was thankfully able to keep it but occasionally need to cover it or else it feels like someone is stabbing me directly in the brain when there is literally any light or movement whatsoever.

Did you know that over 30% of people who survive TBIs debate and even attempt to kill themselves within the first year? It’s still a bit unresearched but many neurologists believe it’s because many survivors have a hard time adjusting to their new normal when it feels like they have lost all control over themselves. I did not get that bad but I had many meltdowns where I would sob uncontrollably because it was all just Too Much, and the knowledge that it would be Too Much, Forever was curse over comfort.

Is that a mental or a physical disability? A part of my brain is damaged, like a scar. It is entirely neurological and mental in its symptoms.

I was diagnosed with a different brain condition, one that affects the autonomic nerve within my brain, causing fainting episodes, out-of-control mast cells, horrific digestive problems, and joints that bend a little too much. Average quality of life after diagnosis is roughly equivalent to someone with end stage heart failure.

A part of my brain is faulty and always has been. It is entirely physical in its symptoms. Is this a mental or physical disability?

My knee hurts. I was knocked off my bike one day on my way home from college. It was a hit-and-run driver and I didn’t have the money or the insurance to do more than slap a brace on it and limp around for several weeks while it healed. Less than a decade later it gave out. I was completely unable to walk for months. I lost my job. I ended up switching careers entirely so I could sit. I walk with a cane. I have to physically drag myself up stairs with my arms and my “good” leg. I spend nights grasping at my knee willing it to stop spasming as I try to get some sleep. I’ve had to beg for painkillers. Surgery will not help it. My knee is Completely Fucked, Forever.

This is a clear physical disability, that much is for sure.

I recently went to see Spiderverse. I warned my friend that it was entirely possible I’d need to duck out at some point because the movie would overwhelm me. I also warned her that I would probably need to immediately rest or go home and would not be able to hang out because I was anticipating it to be Sensory Hell. I went in prepared with my own snacks, tinted glasses to take the edge off the flashing, and even looked away during some of the worst of it.

I needed to duck out after an extended chase scene which featured a lot of flashing lights. I was able to come back and finish the movie. I needed nearly an hour of rest to stop shaking and be safe to drive myself home. I immediately went to bed upon getting home at about 4pm and by the time it was night had a pounding headache and shivers. I knew this would probably happen because the first one was very bad for my brain injury and I’d been pre-warned the second one was worse about it- truly I think it is really those movies’ biggest flaws is that they are very not friendly to people with problems with bright flashing lights.

My knee did not prevent me from entering the building. The theater was wheelchair accessible.

But even with sensory provisions, my brain injury and faulty nerve made it a monumental task to just finish a two and a half hour task of literally just sitting there.

I could go in. Staying was the part that was in question.

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kckt88 · 10 months

Text

Taking of a City.

Summary:

After Aemond leaves for Harrenhal, Rhaenyra and Daemon arrive in Kings Landing to reclaim the Iron Thone.

Warning(s): Swearing, Blood, Death,

Word Count: 2100

Author Note: A companion piece to Wedding & Consummation/Bath Time/Arrival(s)/Mother & Father/Petitions & Final Tributes/The Hand, The King & The Dragon/Dragonstone/Blood & Cheese/A Time for Grief/The Gullet/Harrenhal and the Rivers/The Gods Eye, The Fallen Queen & New Beginnings.

But can be read as a one-shot.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the House of The Dragon or Fire & Blood characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used.

Comments, likes, and reblogs are very much appreciated.

“You want to go to Harrenhall?” asked Vaera.

“We’ve given Rhaenyra a month to concede. It’ll be easier if we get rid of Daemon first”.

“What about Kings Landing?” asked Vaera.

“I will leave my Queen in charge” replied Aemond as he took of the conquerors crown and placed it on Vaera’s head.

“B-But the other Lords. Aemond they won’t accept me” exclaimed Vaera.

“Yes, they will. Besides Ser Criston is coming with me. There is no one else that can sit the Iron Throne. I’ve already spoke to them, and they’ve all pledged to support you in my absence”.

“How many of them did you threaten to kill?” asked Vaera sheepishly.

“Only three. But I know you’ll be fine. I need someone on the Throne that I can trust, and I need Cannibal here just in case” said Aemond.

“What about my mother?” asked Vaera as she eyed Vhagar in the distance.

“I should be back in time. Harrenhall isn’t too far from Kings Landing.”

“Assuming of course you manage to deal with Daemon in that time” muttered Vaera.

“I have to try Vaera” said Aemond firmly.

“I know you do. I’m just worried. Daemon is no ill trained knight. He’s a seasoned warrior, and if anything happened to you. I don’t know what I’d do” said Vaera her lips wobbling.

“Listen to me, if something was to happen-“

“-Aemond. No” gasped Vaera shaking her head.

“If something was to happen to me, you need take Rhaegar and leave Westeros” urged Aemond.

“L-Leave Westeros?” asked Vaera.

“You and Rhaegar get on the back of Cannibal, and you fly as far east as you can. I will go to my death content with the knowledge that you and our children will live” said Aemond as he ran a hand over the small swell of Vaera’s stomach.

“D-Don’t die” sobbed Vaera.

“I’ll try not to. But I swear if I do, I will take your cunt of a father with me” said Aemond, as he pressed one last kiss to Vaera’s forehead and headed towards Vhagar.

Almost a week without Aemond and Vaera was missing him terribly and sitting in endless council meetings was boring.

Day in day out, the Lords would argue on the best way to deal with Rhaenyra and Daemon, it was getting tiresome, for every argument there was no progress.

Everything hinged on Aemond being able to retake Harrenhall and deal with Daemon.

Thinking about Aemond confronting Daemon made Vaera feel sick to her stomach. Both Daemon and Aemond were skilled with a blade, but Daemon had seen battle. He once been crowned King of the narrow sea.

Vaera just prayed to the gods of old Valyria that Aemond would survive.

After having a meeting with grand maester Orwyle, to check that everything was progressing well with the babe she carried, Vaera decided to distract herself and spend time with the children.

Maelor was fussy so Alicent decided to keep him inside but permitted Vaera to take Jaehaera to the gardens with Rhaegar.

“Do you think my Kepa will like these?” asked Jaehaera, holding up a tulip.

“He’ll love them” replied Vaera smiling.

“Can I pick flowers too mama?” asked Rhaegar quietly.

“Of course, you can sweet boy” said Vaera.

Rhaegar squealed excitedly as he humped off his mother’s knee and joined Jaehaera.

“What about this?”

“Rhaegar, that’s a weed” sighed Jaehaera rolling her eyes.

“Oh” muttered Rhaegar sadly.

“B-But it’s got pretty leaves, maybe we could include it” suggested Jaehaera smiling.

Rhaegar’s face immediately brightened up and he nodded eagerly.

After half an hour, it was beginning to get a little bit chilly, so Vaera decided it was time to head inside.

“Right, let’s take those flowers to your Kepa” said Vaera as she took hold of Rhaegar and Jaehaera’s hands.

“Ser Arryk” called Vaera.

“Yes, Your Grace?”

“Would you be so as to escort us to Aegon’s chambers?” asked Vaera.

“Of course,” replied Ser Arryk.

Vaera and the children followed the knight to Aegon’s chambers in silence, the only noise echoing around the corridors was the clanking of Ser Arryk’s armour.

“Kepa. We brought you flowers” cooed Jaehaera as she kissed her father’s forehead.

“They’re beautiful” breathed Aegon.

Jaehaera smiled as she snuggled into her father’s arms.

“I-Is that a weed?” asked Aegon.

“Rhaegar picked them. Jae said they had pretty leaves” replied Vaera.

“I have to agree” muttered Aegon.

“When will you get better Uncle Egg? asked Rhaegar.

“I’m not sure, but I hope its soon”.

“Me too. I miss you Kepa” whispered Jaehaera.

“I’ll be back on my feet soon, don’t you worry”.

“Maybe mama will get better soon as well” said Jaehaera hopefully.

“Let’s hope so” said Vaera quietly, as she noticed a single tear slide down Aegon’s cheek.

The death of Jaehaerys had devastated Aegon more than anyone realised. His devastation was also coupled with the guilt that he’d not been a good father in the first place.

Since the death of his son and nephew, he vowed that he would try to be a better man, a better father, and a better husband.

Loving Helaena as his sister was easy. It was loving her as a wife that was difficult.

“Have you heard from Aemond recently?” asked Aegon.

“No. But no news is good news, right?” muttered Vaera.

Aegon reached forward and took Vaera’s hand in his, trying to offer his good sister comfort.

Suddenly their was a loud bang and screams were heard.

“W-What’s going on?” asked Aegon shocked.

“I’m not sure, I’ll go check” replied Vaera.

Rhaegar and Jaehaera huddled closer to Aegon as Vaera left the room.

Ser Arryk who had been standing guard outside the door, was nowhere to be found and there were no other guards around.

So, Vaera made her way slowly down the corridor to one of the secret passageways.

After managing to squeeze through the gap, Vaera cautiously walked through one of the secret corridors. If something was wrong, it was better to keep out of sight, and soon she found herself squeezed into a secret alcove attached to the Throne room.

There was a sudden rush of footsteps and Vaera peered through the gap in the stone, to see what was happening and what she saw made her blood run cold.

“Rhaenyra. You must stop this madness before it is too late.” said Alicent.

“Madness?. You speak of madness? One of your sons steals my birth right and the other murders my Luke, and you accuse me of madness?” sneered Rhaenyra.

“My son stole nothing. He is Viserys first-born son and Aemond did not murder Lucerys. It was you who had assassins sent into the Red Keep to murder innocent children, one of them your own grandson” said Alicent squaring her shoulders.

“That was not my-“ said Rhaenyra.

“Do you have any idea how your daughter has suffered because of your cruelty?”

“A necessary loss. The brat was part Hightower” quipped Daemon.

“You despicable excuse for a man” spat Alicent.

“Speaking of my daughter, where is she and that other Hightower spawn of hers?” asked Daemon.

“Not here, they went with Aemond to Harrenhall” lied Alicent.

“Lies. The Cannibal still rests beyond the walls of the Red Keep. Vaera is here and believe me as soon as we’ve dealt with you then she will be found” said Daemon.

“Do you intend to harm her?” asked Alicent.

“She supported my usurper, had her Cannibal destroy the Velaryon fleet and she kidnapped my son. My daughter will answer for what she has done,” said Rhaenyra.

“Your daughter is what you made her” snapped Alicent.

“Seize them!” snarled Daemon.

“That will not be necessary. I will cooperate. I am your prisoner. I will go quietly to my chambers, or to the dungeons”

But Daemon only laughed.

“The only place you’re going is to the Seven Hells to be with your precious gods.”

Otto roared in anger, and jumped protectively in front of his daughter even as the remaining Kings guard surrounded them. Not that it helped.

Ser Rickard fell first, slain by Ser Harold Westerling and soon all of the remaining Kings guard were dead, leaving their defence solely in the hands of the castle guards. And to their credit, they fought bravely. They did not stop fighting until the last of them fell.

Soon, the throne room was strewn with bloodied corpses, but ultimately, the Greens were outnumbered. Within minutes, the Green council was wearing chains, and Rhaenyra was climbing the steps to the Iron Throne.

Seizing Otto roughly, Daemon dragged him in front of the Iron Throne. With his arms bound, he was helpless to defend himself as Daemon forced him to kneel.

Wide-eyed, Alicent turned to Rhaenyra, silently begging for her father’s life, and for a moment, she thought he might be spared.

“Otto Hightower. You are guilty of treason. You are guilty of conspiracy against the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and you are also guilty of being a massive cunt.” snarled Daemon.

And to Alicent’s sheer horror, Rhaenyra didn't utter a single word to stop her husband.

“Send him to the Wall. Let him take the black” cried Alicent.

But it was useless. The look on Daemon’s face said it all. He was not there for justice. He was out for blood.

Otto was not even granted the dignity of last words before Daemon raised Dark Sister and quickly sliced off his head.

Vaera clasped her hand to her mouth, trying not to make a sound as Otto’s severed head hit the stone floor with a dull thud.

She had to get back to Aegon and the children. Now.

Her mother and Daemon would not linger in the throne room for much longer and it would only be a matter of time before they gave the command for their soldiers to tear through the Red Keep.

Picking up her skirts, Vaera ran as fast she could back to Aegon’s chambers.

Bursting unceremoniously through the doors, startling Aegon and the children.

“We-We have to move. Now” said Vaera.

“W-What’s going on?” asked Aegon.

“My mother and Daemon are here. They’ve captured your mother and your grandsire is dead” exclaimed Vaera.

“G-Grandsire is dead” gasped Aegon his eyes wide.

“We have to leave. Now” snapped Vaera.

“I-I can’t walk” said Aegon.

“You have to try. I can’t leave you here. Daemon will kill you”.

“What about Helaena and Maelor?” asked Aegon as he shuffled uncomfortably on the bed.

“They spared your mother, so they’ll most likely spare Helaena and Maelor, they'll need hostages-” said Vaera.

“-How are we going to-“

Suddenly the door flew open, and a haggard looking Ser Arryk came barrelling into the room.

“Where the fuck have you been?” snarled Vaera.

“Apologise, I was helping Lord Strong escape with young Prince Maelor, he intends to take him to Old Town”.

“You’re here now. I need you to help Aegon and get him out of the Red Keep” urged Vaera.

“What about you?” asked Ser Arryk as he hauled Aegon from the bed.

“I don’t-“

“G-Go to Harrenhall. Aemond is there” said Aegon wincing in pain.

“We don’t have much time. We need to leave now” urged Ser Arryk.

“What about Daeron?”

“If he has any sense, he’ll stay in Oldtown” said Aegon.

“Go Your Grace” urged Ser Arryk.

Vaera gathered Rhaegar and Jaehaera in her arms and held them tight.

“Now, I need you both to be quiet. Can you do that for me?” asked Vaera.

Both the children nodded quickly.

“Let’s go” muttered Vaera.

The walk through the secret passageways was tough, as they had to keep stopping for Aegon to catch his breath.

Daemon’s soldiers were now tearing through the Red Keep.

The sounds of shouting, banging and screaming echoed through the Red Keep.

“You need to get the dragon pit” said Vaera.

“What about you?” wheezed Aegon.

“Cannibal rests outside of the Red Keep, the secret passage just past Balerion will take me too him” replied Vaera.

“Get to Harrenhall. Tell Aemond what’s happened” urged Aegon wincing as Ser Arryk picked him up once more.

“I will” said Vaera nodding.

“Take care of my daughter.” replied Aegon.

“I promise”

“Be good for your aunt Vaera my butterfly. I’ll see you soon” said Aegon.

“I will Kepa” said Jaehaera quietly.

“It looks good on you” quipped Aegon.

“What does?” asked Vaera.

“The crown”.

“I forgot I was wearing it” exclaimed Vaera.

“Go Princess. It won’t be long before the passageways are searched,” said Ser Arryk.

Vaera nodded and spared Aegon one more glance before she led the children down another darkened tunnel.

#house of the dragon #aemond targaryen #aemond x oc #hotd fanfic #aemond fanfiction #hotd aemond #aemond fic #aemond x original female character #aegon ii targaryen #daemon targaryen #daemon x rhaenyra #rhaenyra targaryen #queen rhaenyra

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system-of-a-feather · 5 months

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Re-establishing Baseline Plan

Since moving, I've (completely understandably and expectedly) had my baseline kinda fucked (did not help by with financial stress + job incompatibility + ear infection + really bad post ear infection cold + probable norovirus in literally one month) and so I've been really overloaded, stressed, and just in a place of mostly survival mode where most of my energy is focused on maintaining my mental and physical state in the easiest manners possible

I have been holding up well all things considered and have set up for a probably more compatible job + my fiance has managed to get a job again that he feels will probably work out well for him and I have at least like a week off between jobs to reorientate myself

So to take a good and active effort to make the best of this time, I want to make a plan to set myself up for success. I actually do this every so often when I really need to pick myself up (historically Lucille would usually do it but pros of being basically fully integrated is that I am Lucille as well as me) and I figured it would be a neat thing to display and demonstrate here cause I'd end up making it *anyways* so why not share with the class

If anyone likes this, yall can borrow it ^^

-----

Question One: What current coping skills and hobbies am I currently doing and trying with my time? Are they affective and would I like to change them?

Art, Drawing, Character Design, Art Fight Prep, Story Planning and Writing

This is one of the easiest and most reliable positive coping mechanisms and has gotten me through the majority of the month mostly on it's own. Compared to other coping mechanisms, this one is almost always something I can drag myself to do or at least ask someone to supervise me to make sure I do it when I feel I need some sort of self care. It serves greatly as an alternative when I find that I am doing maladaptive coping that I would rather not do and when in doubt, it has access to some level of social engagement should I feel I need that. With that being said, having relied largely on this for a month, this is suffering diminishing returns and starting to lead to general lack of inspiration and so diversification from this coping mechanism would be ideal

Weekend Gym Trips

This is actually a really good way for me to release energy, give myself space and time to think, and just feel better moving and existing in my body. It also mandates time for me to listen to music and serves a meditative purpose. That said, I have only been doing this on Saturdays and only once on Sunday and I would like to expand that to be at least 3 times a week or at least more spaced out.

Reading Semi Regularly

This is a new habit and coping I picked up and its actually really good! It provides a unique sense of calm when I need it. Unfortunately I've started to drop off the past week due to general stress and illness, so I think its important to return to this. Perhaps set a general goal of "every other day" rather than every day to lessen the pressure.

Video Games

This was helpful but lately I have been not motivated to play anything and I believe its been burnt out. I think it would be good to resume this but it is currently impractical to force at the moment until overall wellness has returned.

TV with Boy

This is helpful but unforunately nothing seems to interest either of us to watch right now. (cri life is hard /lh)

Board Games with Boy

This is a new one and has actually been very nice. That said, it isn't always available and dependent on my fiance's ability to have the energy, time and interest to play them, particularly since I know he is less interested in board games than me. It is good to maintain the interest and offer, but not a coping skill to become reliant on.

Question Two: What sorts of things that I am currently not doing do I know tend to define behaviors, habits, hobbies, and interests that are done when I am out of survival mode and genuinely enjoying life?

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

Engagement in Exploration and just independent travels without individuals

Engagement and interest in occasionally reaching out to Buddhist environments

Producing art work for the story that is more developed and inspired rather than "quick" or "reference" focused - actually focusing on the creative and artistic expression rather than the practical expression

Increased social circle communication irl beyond my online bestie, fiance, and online friend group chat; reaching out to individuals and developing new irl friendships

Question Three: Which of those hobbies do I think could be the most reasonable and easy to meet sooner than later (even better if I can make steps to start that right now / today)? In what ways could I make steps to make those first changes and help set myself up for success on expanding my engagement with life beyond survival mode?

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

While I am not extensively motivated in any manner to watch anything in particular, I am starting to randomly get a lot of bleach related stuff on my youtube and I have been meaning to watch TYBW arc. I have been postponing it because of arbitrary "I wanna read the manga first" and just general other excuses, but realistically those are putting up barriers that I may not get to at this rate and currently I could just use something I'm somewhat interested in to give me some independent relaxing engagement. I think I can set the goal of actually watching Bleach TYBW at least an episode a day starting either today or tomorrow and see if that can bring a momentum and habit into actually being able to watch things that interest me on my own.

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

I can probably actually take my violin back out. The guitar would probably be better but for whatever reason I feel that my brain thinks that would require more - for a lack of better word - work, so I think I can at least try to find time this week to at least play a little bit of my violin.

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers + "increased social irl connection [...]"

I can reach out and text my new irl birding connections to see if they are interested; if not I can at least plan to take a birding trip later

Engagement in Buddhist Stuff

I know there is an area I've been thinking of visiting that has free english services on Tuesday, I can make plans to go there that day, particularly since my Fiance should be working for the first day then anyways.

Question Four: What are additional goals and check points that we would like to try to bring us closer to the life style that we know tends to support a thriving mental state and life satisfaction rather than one of survival?

Independent Travels

During the time I have, I can keep in mind this goal and if I have down time think of potentially interesting and alternative places to go to explore; additionally I can plan birding trips to places I have not yet checked out.

Increased Social IRL Connection

It is dependent on if my now-ex-coworker still is interested, but I can follow up and see if we want to still play board games; if not I think potential more ways to reach out will be more viable to plan once a higher level of baseline is established; potentially see if there are any in person DnD groups around that I could make a habit of going to or any martial art dojos that we can afford

More Inspired Art

I think this is something that will come with time between lessening the burn out of my current art-as-a-coping mechanism goal as well as actually engaging in more media and independent interests as to gain more inspiration.

Question Five: Summarize the Key Points and Plans Discussed in This into a Bullet Points of Take Aways

Modifying Current Coping:

Diversify and lean off of using art as a main coping mechanism; give that one a break

Attempt to go to the gym more frequently or at least space it out more throughout the week

Continue reading; lessen the ideal to every other day in case demand pressure is adversely affecting it

Keep an open interest in playing board games with fiance

Changes I Want To Make Soon:

Start watching Bleach TYBW w/ at least one episode a day

Bring out my violin and try to at least play with it for one hour this week

Reach out to new bird peers to see if they want to plan a birding trip sometime, if not then plan one independently

Make plans to go to that place on Tuesday for the open Buddhist service

Changes to Keep an Eye Out For:

Opportunities to go somewhere new randomly for no particular reason or goal in mind other than to just see whats around us

Spoons and time availability to see out places to expand our irl social circles

Inspiration for art in general

Question Six: Set for Regular Follow Ups to Check Progress

Isn't tumblr's queue / schedule function super neat for this

#alter: riku #alter: fei #trauma recovery #coping #coping skills #mental health #mental health resources #survival mode #reestablishing baseline #re-establishing baseline

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plague-of-insomnia · 5 months

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WIP Wednesday: Sebardagni Post-Apocalyptic Domestic Sickfic AU

I know no one cares about this idea aside from me, but this is the first thing I’ve been able to write in months, and I really fucking need the escapism of Sebastian having two men taking care of him even when the world has fallen to pieces.

I have a few scenes for this written I may end up posting on AO3 later, but for now, enjoy this scene.

The concept for this AU is this: the world ended a few years ago, and Bard, Agni, and Sebastian have been surviving together. Sebastian is chronically ill, so he and Agni mind the homestead while Bard goes off on excursions for supplies. It’s not an easy life, but overall, they’re happy.

~#~

Sebastian balanced carefully. The forearm crutches Bard had fashioned for him fit better than anything he’d managed with since the world collapsed and meant he wouldn’t do just that onto the floor—even if his muscles were weak.

He’d finally managed a few hours’ sleep, exhaustion and one of Agni’s herbal treatments helping to ease his breathing long enough to dream.

And what a dream it was. He couldn’t wait to hurry out of the small bedroom they shared in this tiny mountain cabin and tell Agni about it. As bittersweet as it was, it had felt so wonderfully real, he could almost ignore the perpetual tightness in his chest.

“Agni! Agni!” Sebastian cautiously eased the door open.

The cabin was cozy, a main room with a fireplace, kitchen, and sitting area, a bedroom and bath, and a cellar Sebastian couldn’t access—too many stairs— where they stored food for the winter.

The fire illuminated the room as Agni worked. From the way the orange sun had colored the bedroom, Sebastian suspected it was evening, which would mean Agni would likely be busy prepping their dinner.

Things had been harder lately, since Bard had been gone for weeks now—73 days, exactly, not that Sebastian had been counting—but they made do. Agni wasn’t as skilled a huntsman as Bard, but between their garden, preserved stores, chickens and goats, they managed. Agni had to coax Sebastian more often than not to eat as it was, so he barely dented their food stocks.

“I dreamed Bard came home and he found me medicine, and—“ Sebastian’s voice cut out immediately as he realized he heard Agni speaking to someone. And then he saw him. “Bard?”

The man was perched on a stool at the kitchen island, looking ragged and thinner than Sebastian remembered, but very much not a dream or a ghost.

“You’re alive?!” Sebastian’s eyes filled and he pushed himself to move as fast as he possibly could, dropping his arms from his crutches so he could throw them around his lover. “Agni and I were worried you were never coming home.”

Bard’s strong arms supported Sebastian in their embrace so he wouldn’t lose his footing, enjoying this connection. He smelt like tobacco and sweat and days out on the road, but more than anything, like hope.

Sebastian didn’t even care if Bard hadn’t been able to find any medicine for him. He was just so relieved he began to sob as weeks of emotions he’d been damming up broke free.

“Hey, hey, you’ll make your breathing worse. I’m all right. I missed you both and thinking of getting back here to you kept me going. You know I don’t die easy.”

Sebastian’s legs ached, and Bard sensed his growing instability and helped him sit down beside him. A moment later, Agni set a steaming mug in front of him. The frothy liquid was green. Another one of his herbal concoctions?

“It’s matcha. I lucked out.” Bard scratched his cheek. “Got caught in a bad storm a couple towns over and took refuge in a partly burned-out old asian market. I moved some shelves to help create a barcade and found a whole supply of the stuff that had been overlooked by scavengers.”

“The caffeine will help your breathing,” Agni said with a warm smile. “It’s not medicine, but it was a good find.”

Sebastian tried not to frown as he took a sip. It was bitter, but Agni had added some of the honey from the bees he kept to sweeten it. He didn’t want to ruin their happy reunion by suggesting, again, that maybe it was time Agni and Bard moved on and left him behind. He was too frail to travel, and Bard was having to spend more and more time on the road, detouring farther and farther from their home base in order to find any medicine to help ease Sebastian’s symptoms.

Even before the world fell apart, Sebastian had been ill. But after, the stress and lack of medical care meant his condition had deteriorated significantly, and if they hadn’t found this cabin by chance, he knew he probably would have died years ago.

Sometimes, he wondered if that would have been better for both Agni and Bard, even if he kept his mouth shut as he listened to them talking, Bard regaling some of his adventures while Agni finished prepping their food.

They’d have rabbit stew tonight, thanks to Bard’s catch, and Sebastian cherished the warmth of the mug in his hands as he tried to enjoy the limited happiness of this domestic snapshot.

He did like it here, in their little cabin. The woods shielded them from most of the horrors of the dying human world, and the fresh, dry air eased his breathing some. He loved their little home and garden, and enjoyed helping Agni with the animals when he was well enough to venture outside. He thought, despite his illness and the reality of their new world, he might be content, if Bard didn’t constantly have to put his life at risk for Sebastian’s sake.

Sebastian shivered as one of Bard’s coarse hands played with his long hair, curling a strand around a finger.

“I missed you both so fucking much,” he said. Sebastian could see the fear in those blue eyes, that he’d probably worried he might not make it back, or that by the time he did, only Agni would be waiting for his return.

~#~

Reblogs appreciated as always!

Liked this? You can see more of my writing on AO3.

#black butler #黒執事 #wip wednesday #sebardagni #sebastian michaelis #post-apocalyptic au #bardroy #agni #sickfic #domestic au #poi writes #poi og #snippet #disabled sebastian #bard

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happinessisntfun · 4 days

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taking a moment to lay myself bare once again because what is tumblr for if not to post things incredibly personal and soul bearing when you should be in bed.

I am towards the end of my scheduled two weeks of leave. I have made considerable progress, but I started at rock bottom. I was not initially honest with myself about how far into burnout I was but surprise! I burned out three months ago and didn't realize.

I tore my acl in January and had surgery for that in February. I took most of the month of March off to recover, but I did not ease back into work, I jumped back in headfirst and foolishly.

I have had pt at least once a week since March, which is physically and emotionally demanding. Friday is my last session, but tbh, I probably should keep going. I just can't any more.

I work an incredibly demanding and high stress job. I transitioned fully to working from home in July after having multiple panic attacks on my way to and from work.

My migraines have picked up to the point where I have had eight migraine free days in the past 10 weeks.

I have been dealing with extreme chronic abdominal pain that I have not figured out the cause of since April.

wow some of these things are probably connected to that pesky burnout huh

I had a colonoscopy at the end of August and did not take a single moment to breath afterwards, even though anesthesia basically destroys me.

I have not cooked since May or June. I haven't been able to do much crafting for longer.

With all that in mind, I am going to take more time off. I need to finish dealing with the leave paperwork because my bank account is really feeling the missed paycheck now. I'm fine, financially. I have a high paying job and all my bills are paid until the end of the month and once I get this paperwork together, I'll get the majority of my pay for each week I'm off. (thank you, Jared Polis)

I has survived 100% of my worst days so far and I will continue surviving through this. Just needed to lay myself bare for a bit to try and cope with the realities of being disabled and chronically ill and temporarily injured.

The hazards of extending this leave further is that I need to have some very challenging discussions with loved ones so that understandings are reached.

I also need to figure out how to talk to my employer about this situation and make sure they understand that I will be coming back as soon as I can. (Thank fuck I've alluded to health issues before this crisis point and thank fuck for my wonderful amazing gp)

and that's the end of my deeply personal post. This is largely to process all of the shit I'm dealing with and hopefully set some things down. I'm probably going to send the link to this post to a few folks so I don't have to explain myself multiple times. I wonder if my parents know what tumblr is and if I can just send them this and tell them to shove their questions up their asses.

#personal

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cocogrrrl · 1 year

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daffodil

you had grown up liking kyle from a comfortable distance, never thinking about making possible wounds. you, however, only just figured that out right now. unfortunately, you're overcome with the hanahaki disease likely because of it

kyle x stan's twin + gn!reader (hanahaki disease au) cw: major character death (kind of?), not necessarily an ed but mentions of struggles with eating, hospitalization, implied floater friend behavior if it makes anyone uncomfortable wc: 5121

an: this is part of an sp au where different versions of the reader has hanahaki and is in love with the main three! read the other two parts here!

Hanahaki is a disease something that affects many daily. From a small seed in your lungs, you’ll experience petals and flowers coming out from your mouth. It could take days, weeks, months, or even years to develop. Many hypothesize that it happens because of a love not returned, a love waiting on a bench.

Fortunately, it isn’t something that everyone will experience in their lifetime, although it is common. For those who catch the illness, you only have a few choices to pick from.

First, the sickness doesn’t last because the affection is returned. Many of those who survive this still need to receive medical attention for the healing process, depending on how severe the sickness had become. Many of these people who experience this are bound to live a happy life, though.

Second, you undergo a safe medical procedure that, while cures you, makes you devoid of any sense of love anymore. These operations usually do not pose many health risks, and the survival rate is high.

Lastly, you could just bear the pain, although you will suffocate to death.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Growing up in the Marsh household was no easy task. Existing there was tiring because of the constant chaos that was your father, sometimes even mother to an extent. You grew up spending time in other people’s houses because of this, finding more comfort in others’ families than that in your own.

Luckily, you did still have a member of your family you knew you could always trust. That person was your twin brother, Stan Marsh. You two had always been connected to the hip. Sure, you two always bickered and picked on each other, but you were siblings. It was a regular occurrence.

You found yourself hopping from friend group to friend group growing up, unlike Stan, who had always stayed strong with just one—although you did catch him hanging out with the goth kids a few times. It felt a little bit lonely, being known by nearly everyone but not really being that liked to have a steady friendship with someone. You were on good terms with everyone, but at what cost?

That’s what makes you grateful to be so close to Stan, though. He often invited you to hang out with his friends whenever he noticed you were alone. He knew you preferred to be surrounded by people than be alone, so even if his friends could be pieces of shit sometimes, he welcomed you to his group.

It didn’t happen all the time, but whenever it did, you found yourself often wanting to be close to Kyle. You didn’t know why you were so drawn to him. I mean, he seemed like a pretty respectful guy, being the voice of reason in his respective group, but that wasn’t the sole basis of your feelings.

Maybe it’s because he was thoughtful and kind? You remember that there was this one time he, Stan, and you were out playing. Stan and Kyle were on their bikes, and you were on a skateboard. For shits and giggles, you thought it’d be fun to hang on to the back of Kyle’s bike, so you held on to the pillion of his bike. You lost balance, though, falling off your board and scraping your knee really bad.

While Stan was telling you off for being irresponsible and reckless, being the protective brother he is, Kyle laughed it off and pulled out his handkerchief to wrap it around your wound. You viscerally remember Stan proceeding to joke about how Kyle blew his nose into that handkerchief earlier.

To add onto his thoughtfulness, for the following few days after the incident, whenever Kyle was at your place—which was most of the time—he’d always check up on how your wound was. Perhaps he felt bad, freely letting you hang onto the back of his bike like that. It was the consequence of your own stupidity, though.

That was back in middle school, though. You had only ever realized your feelings for Kyle during your junior year of high school.

As cute as it sounded, it really wasn’t. Recently, after your shocking revelation, you began to take notice of flowers bubbling up in your chest. Quite literally. From time to time, you’ll find a few petals, sometimes even a flower, being coughed out of your mouth. How unlucky you were to be the selected few to experience this.

You should’ve expected it, though. Ever since you were a kid, you would start coughing up small petals whenever you were a kid. Although those instances were rare, that didn’t mean they didn’t happen.

You were cooped up in your own room, facing your own mortality. You knew Kyle probably didn’t like you. No way. He’s had a few girlfriends over the years, you being none of them, obviously. Wouldn’t he have already asked you out if he liked you? Besides, you often spotted him at school seemingly interested in other girls.

So now, there were only two solutions to your problem, it was either to face death itself or to get surgery. On the one hand, you could embrace a life of love and immaturity but ultimately meet your demise earlier than it should. On the other hand, you could live longer and have a shot of being successful but sacrificing all the wonderful colors of your life. Luckily, you weren’t knee-deep in the stages of your condition yet, giving you plenty of time to think.

Your train of thought was put to a halt as you heard a knock on the door. “YN, sweetie, dinner’s ready.” Your mom said, opening the door just enough for her to send her message clearly.

“Alright, Mom. I’ll just fix my things.” You said in reply. As she sweetly nodded and closed the door, you checked the petals that littered your bed—white, daffodil petals and flowers. You cleaned your mess up, holding in a deep breath as you made your way downstairs.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Luckily, dinner was pretty uneventful. It was pretty uncomfortable with your food, though. You could intensely feel the flowers rustling in your chest as your food passed through your throat. How fun.

Once more, you heard a knocking on your door.

“Come in,” you called. The door opened wide, your brother leaning on the door frame.

“Hey, uh,” he paused, retracing his words and thinking of what to say. “Me and the guys are gonna hang out tomorrow. If you aren’t busy and want to come along, no one’s gonna stop you.”

Whenever Stan asked you to hang out with him, it made you smile. It was a thoughtful action for him to invite you to come with his friends since he knew you desperately needed some sense of a stable friendship in your life. You still struggled with the same things you’ve always had trouble with as a child, and he was always there to help you out whenever you needed it.

With a smile, you nodded. “Sure, I’ll come. Where will you guys be?”

“Kyle’s place around noon. You can come with me if you wake up early enough.” He said, critiquing your fabulous sleep schedule before he closed the door and left you on your own.

You were definitely going tomorrow.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

As you and Stan stood in front of the door, he rang the doorbell. Sheila opened the door and happily welcomed you two. You found your spot in the room by the left side of the couch, Stan sitting beside you and Kyle sitting on the very right. Soon enough, Cartman and Kenny had come over as well.

Whenever you spent time with Stan and his friends, you kind of just basked in the atmosphere, even if it is often just a bunch of sweaty guys screaming over some video game.

It’s not a bad thing, though—you actually find it comfortable to be standing by the sidelines. You saw the energy between the guys, and you were just happy to experience sharing a moment with them, even if it felt like you were in another room listening to their conversation.

“Hey, I’m gonna go get some water. Do you guys need anything?” You asked, getting up and looking at them. Cartman ordered you to get a bag of Cheesy Poofs and a glass of Coca-Cola, while Stan, Kenny, and Kyle just asked for water.

You headed into the kitchen, grabbing five glass cups. You filled four of them with water. Now, just Cartman’s Cheesy Poofs and Coke.

Cartman asking for such was nothing new that's why you knew he needed a straw to go with his coke. You check the refrigerator for any Coke. In your favor, there was. You poured some of the soft drink into the glass, filling it just right. Seeing how there were some straws in a tall container, you got one and placed it in the drink.

Lastly was the bag of Cheesy Poofs. You look inside the cupboards, hoping there was some. Sheila was strict with what children ate, so there was a chance that there wasn’t any. You were looking around the kitchen, but no Cheesy Poofs to be found. You were about to take the drinks back when you were interrupted.

“Here’s his Cheesy Poofs.” A voice said behind you. It was Kyle’s. “Mom recently found out that they may not be kosher after all, so she completely banned Ike and me from eating them.”

“So why do you still have some lying around then?” You raised a brow, confused.

“I keep an extra just for Cartman.”

“I thought you hated him.”

“I do, for sure, but I have to be a good host to my guests as well.”

You chuckled. He seemed to have sacrificed his money and good hiding spots just to let Cartman have it his way. ‘He’s a really thoughtful guy,’ you thought.

“What are you doing here, though? I thought you were trying to be a good host—playing with them and all.” You said a little mindlessly, not really thinking before you spoke first.

“I could be an even better host by helping you out and giving Cartman his Cheesy Poofs that he might’ve never gotten.”

“Oh, well, thank you. What a nice host you are.” You smiled.

He shared a grin back, and you shared a moment of silence. For a second, you wanted to lean in. That was until you were attacked with a violent coughing fit. Kyle quickly rushed to your side as you were hunched over, patting your back.

“Are you okay?” He said worriedly.

“Yeah, don’t sweat it.” You said, catching the petals that fell out of your mouth as you stuffed them in your pocket.

“Is everything alright?” You heard Stan call out from the other room.

“Yeah, don’t worry!” You yelled back, straightening your back to look back at Kyle. His eyes were on you, flickering to your lips. However, as his eyes landed there, he suddenly looked more concerned than he was just a moment ago.

“You have some blood on your lips. Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, pointing to where the blood was.

“Oh, shit. Yeah, I think I should get it checked soon.” You were lying. You knew what was the problem. You felt guilty because, even if he wasn’t doing anything, he was contributing to probable demise. “Just… don’t tell Stan.”

You were worried. If Stan found out you had Hanahaki, he would find out that you had a huge crush on his best friend. There was a chance that he would push you to confess to him, and it would be absolutely crushing to hear him tell you that he didn’t like you back.

“Why not?”

“Whenever he tries to protect me, he always just ends up getting on my nerves.” You felt guilty for lying again. Although what you said was true, that was definitely not the reason why you didn’t want him to find out. “I know he means well, but it’s exhausting sometimes.”

“Oh, well,” you pleaded in your head for him not to tell. “Your secret’s safe with me. Just make sure to get checked soon, okay?” He said worriedly, putting a hand on your shoulder.

“Alright.” You nodded.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Right now, you were in history. It wasn’t something you were necessarily good at, but it wasn’t something you struggled most with either. You were given free time to finish remaining projects, do homework for other subjects, and study for upcoming tests currently.

For now, you were catching up on a project worth 45% of your grade. As you typed on your laptop to plan out the structure of your project, you felt someone slide right beside you. You take a look to see who it was—Kyle.

“Hey, YN.” He greeted.

“Hello, Kyle.” You returned, your tone a little confused.

“About the thing the other day,” he said. Right now, it was two days after the coughing fit of your life, so you were sure that Kyle was going to ask you about it. “Have you gotten it checked yet?”

Honestly, no. You didn’t care enough to have it checked. It’s not like there was an antibiotic to have it go away. “Ah, yeah. The doctor said it was a chest infection.”

“Why are you here then? Shouldn’t you be at home? What if the infection worsens?”

“Oh, my doctor said it wasn’t that serious, so he just prescribed me some antibiotics.”

“Alright,” he smiled at you. “You really scared me, YN. You seemed so pale that I thought you were about to pass out.” He sighed, distraught.

“I’m so sorry.” The guilt chipped through the cracks of your brain. You felt bad for making him worry so much.

“It’s not your fault. I just get worried easily whenever someone’s sick.”

“Ahh, thank you,” you said, staring everywhere else than at Kyle. You couldn’t look at his face. Not at least when you’re lying to him like this.

“Hey,” his voice caused your head to snap back at him. “Uh, I know it’s usually Stan’s place to ask you this, but he and I are gonna head to the arcade later afternoon. Do you wanna come?”

“Cartman and Kenny aren’t coming?”

“Kenny is currently chaperoning his little sister somewhere,” he explained. “Cartman’s… doing Cartman stuff.” You two shared a laugh amongst yourselves, knowing the type of insane things your schoolmate can get himself into—even up to now.

“So what do you say? You wanna come?” He asked. “You know, for old times’ sake, I guess.”

Your mind clicked back to your middle school days when it was often just the three of you. You became closest to him during those days, but high school slowly drew you apart. You were sure why either.

“Let’s see—I’ll think about it.” You returned a polite grin.

“Alright.” He nodded. “See you later, or not.” He got up and made his way across the classroom.

Your eyes were glued to him as he chatted with Bebe. She immediately put his arms around him as she leaned into a kiss. Apparently, he seemed to be embarrassed by PDA, seeing how he gently pushed her back—looking around his surroundings to see if anyone saw them.

Huh. I guess you really didn’t have a chance with him. Should you go to the arcade? You would love to, but perhaps it’s best not to come if you feel like you were going to just sulk all day.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Days turned into two weeks, and it seemed like you weren’t getting better anytime soon.

Eating became the most rigorous activity ever. Breathing was difficult because of the flowers clogging up your chest. You wore masks to lessen the likeliness of the petals falling out of your mouth. The lie about your chest infection had spread all around town. Everyone believed you, even your parents too.

No one knew a single thing about this—until today.

“YN, can I talk to you?” Stan asked, peering through your door.

You had your mask on still, saying you didn’t want to infect anyone as much as possible. You even ate your food in the comfort of your own room. You only ever went outside your room when you needed to use the restroom, go to school, or buy something you needed.

“Sure,” you replied nonchalantly, slipping on your mask and shoveling the flowers into a trash can.

Your twin brother slowly closed the door before sitting beside you on your bed, a look more worried than you’ve ever seen. “Dude, I’m just gonna get straight to the point—what the fuck is going on with you?” He was extremely upset. You could hear it in his voice.

At this point, you had already made your mind up. You knew what route you wanted to take, and you were going to tell Stan today. Fortunately enough, he was the first one to approach you.

“I,” you paused, thinking of any other way of breaking the news. Taking a deep breath, you continued, “I think I may have Hanahaki Disease.”

“Huh? That shit’s real?” He asked. He didn’t seem like he was judging you. He seemed more so confused.

“Yeah,” you said, pulling your mask down. Your speech was distorted because of the amount of flowers in your mouth. You could hardly move your mouth. You pulled some petals out of your mouth to make yourself more intelligible, tossing them to the side.

All Stan could do was watch in shock. “For how long now?”

“I guess ever since I was a little kid, but—”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?! Or even better, why didn’t you tell Mom?”

“You know how stupid the adults are here! Besides, it wasn’t that serious until recently.”

“YN, coughing up flowers is not not fucking serious. Are you joking yourse—”

“Stan,” you called his name as calmly as you could, although you were starting to get pissed off. “Let me explain… Please.”

He sat there, rolling his arms as he was ready to listen.

“I only got worse when,” you hesitated, saying his name. “When I realized I liked Kyle, which was about a few weeks ago.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You like Kyle? Like, Kyle Broflovski? My best friend Kyle? You like like him?”

“Ever since we were kids, I guess.” You were embarrassed. “When we were younger, I started coughing up petals already. I never thought it was a big deal because a bunch of weird shit happens here anyway. I thought it would just pass.

“That was when, as I said, I realized I liked Kyle. Ever since then, I’ve just gotten worse and worse.”

There was a long pause between you two. You could feel his eyes tearing you apart. You knew he was upset and angry with you. Who wouldn’t feel the same way? A somber “What will you do now?” was all he said, though.

“I want to get surgery.”

One beat.

“Haven’t you even thought of confessing?”

“Stan, you and I just know for a fact that Kyle doesn’t like me.”

“Don’t put yourself down like that-”

“Has he ever mentioned me whenever you two are together?” Stan shook his head. “You’ve noticed him and Bebe recently as well, right?” He seemed a little confused.

“Your logic is so stupid.”

“Wouldn’t you do the exam the same thing if you were in my position?”

“No. if I were you, I would ask Kyle if he liked me first.”

“I just think I should go with the surgery.” You sighed. “I know I’ll become a completely different person, but I can at least still be able to continue with life, you know? Be able to do something worthwhile in my life.”

“You know what happens when you get surgery, though, right?”

“I’ll become devoid of any emotion whatsoever.” You rolled your eyes, exasperated. ”Yes, Stan, you think I haven’t thought this through?”

“You’re my twin! I don’t want you to become a hollow piece of shit!”

“Would you rather have a dead man of a sibling or someone you can still talk to?”

“I’d be talking to a literal robot, YN. Both of the choices fucking suck. I’ll still mourn you either way.”

“Those are the only decisions I have. Who are you to decide for me anyway? This is my life, Stan. I’ve already made my decision.”

“Well then, I hate your decision,” Stan pouted as he pulled you into a tight hug.

You felt warm tears fall on your shoulder. You didn’t know what came over you, but you started to cry with him as well. In the back of your mind, you knew that this would be the last few special moments you’ll have with him.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

It took your parents some convincing, but now you were seated in a worn-out, faded hospital room. You quickly grew weak in the span of a week, unfortunately. You found it difficult to hold your body weight up. Eating became so difficult and uncomfortable that you simply just survived on heavy liquids.

Many people were bidding you their goodbyes, all of them of which you cried. It was like you were about truly die.

Even if you’ll still hold the memories of your past, everyone will just see you as a living reminder of what could’ve been. You will become nothing more than a living statue, something that symbolized something.

Despite all this, there was one goodbye, though, that was more painful than most.

Kyle entered the room, holding a bouquet of flowers for you. “Hey, YN. I hope you like these.” He said, handing you the flowers as he took a seat.

The second he stepped inside your room, your heart broke. He seemed exhausted. You didn’t bring it up, though. It’s no good to make people more upset than they already are.

“They’re beautiful, Kyle. Thank you very much.” You said, cuddling the bouquet instead of setting it aside with all the other flowers you had gotten—funnily enough.

There was a haunting silence that fell over you two. He was the one person you regretted lying to most since you specifically told him that you’d go to the doctor and try to get better. You knew it was a lie you’d never be able to get yourself out of, so why did you say it anyway?

“I hate to ask, but,” he said remorsefully. “The thing at my house, where we were joking about me being a good host and all, then you got into a coughing fit—did you already know back then?”

A few beats passed before you spoke. “Yeah.” Guilt nipped at your brain. “I’m so sorry, Kyle. I thought everything would’ve been resolved already by then.”

“Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault as to why that person didn’t like you back or anything.” He sighed, giving you a hopeful little smile. How ironic.

You returned the gesture for what would most likely be the last time. “Hey, Kyle?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m just curious, and I know is it’s kinda out of nowhere, but are you and Bebe together?” You wanted to ask just to solidify your assumptions. You were at your end anyway—why not be blunt for once?

“Huh? No.” He seemed confused. “Where’d you get that?” He lightheartedly chuckled. It in no way eased your entire situation, but it did make you a little happier. How selfish of you.

“Oh, I thought I saw Bebe kiss you once.”

His face turned red as he facepalmed himself. “The one a few weeks ago? Yeah, no. She liked me. I’m not into her at all, so I pushed her back, rejecting her.”

Now this time you felt embarrassed, covering your face in your hands. “Sorry…” You quietly muttered.

“It’s fine.” He patted your head.

Silence fell between you two, but you decided to break it. “Thanks, Kyle. I’ll miss you a lot. Even if we never became super close or anything, I’d still consider you to be one of my best friends.”

You suddenly felt a force push behind you. Next thing you know, your face was right against his chest. You could feel your hair get wet, feeling teardrops like rain fall upon you. You were holding tears before this, and feeling him sob on top of you just broke you as well.

You two stood there, crying until your heads burst from pain. You had many discoveries as people bid you their goodbyes—this was no different as well.

You were at your end, that’s for sure. The moment you step out of that surgery room, it will be over for you. The surgery was a dream-crushing procedure, literally. You still had morals in the end, but you wouldn’t really have a personal driving force within you.

You hated that. You wouldn’t experience heartbreak and anxiety anymore, sure, but you’ll never experience happiness and love as well.

You’ll miss how your brother invited you to hang out with his friend. You’ll miss how your mom took care of you whenever you caught a bad cold. You’ll miss sneaking out at night to do a bunch of things you’ll regret the morning after. You’ll miss squealing over a mundane text that Kyle sent. You’ll miss it all.

You didn’t want to kill the person you are right now to escape your pain. You would keep the person you are currently if you could. However, that wasn’t a choice. Will it be worth it? Who’s to say? At least you still have a chance to pay your parents the money you owe them. At least it was the more logical thing to do as well, you figured.

One of you pulled back—you weren’t sure who it was since your head was all dizzy. You couldn’t look at him in the face and believed he thought the same thing as well since you saw in the peripherals that he couldn’t look down at you.

“Before you go,” you muttered, reaching behind you and pulling out a letter, handing it to him. “This is yours.”

The letter was all of the things you wish you could’ve told him. You couldn’t leave him at such an abrupt ending. You cared about him too much for that. So you told him everything you needed to in this letter. You even included your biggest mistake in the letter: liking him.

“Oh.” he was taken aback as he read the back of the envelope. It read, ‘Open me after surgery, thanks!’ He smiled at the thought of receiving a letter, hoping it would lighten the mood. “Thank you, YN.”

Moments later, he wiped his eyes and made his way to the door. “I’ll see you soon, alright?” You nodded, not being able to trust your own voice much more.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

“Kyle. Sharon just called me,” Sheila said to Kyle, opening his door. “She said that YN’s doing better now. She told me that they should be out of the hospital in a few days from now. You should visit them.”

“I will, Mom. Thanks.” He smiled. Sheila then left, closing the door right after.

YN’s note sat by his desk. He hadn’t checked it yet. He wasn’t exactly sure why. Seeing how they had gotten out of surgery, though, he should probably check it right now. He felt a sense of dread the closer he inched to his desk, to YN’s letter. He picked it up, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was even holding.

The envelope was decorated neatly. There were cute stickers plastered pretty much everywhere, except for the dead center, where the words ‘Open me after surgery, thanks!’ were written.

Hi, Kyle.

Hopefully, you’re reading this after my surgery. If not, come back later! It’s not fun to watch a movie knowing the big twist. Although, that does sound fucked up in this context, lol.

Now, you should be back right now. After my surgery, yeah? I don’t know where I should start.

Actually, maybe I do. To start off, you’re the only one I gave a letter to. Now don’t feel bad—I did tell everyone what I wanted to tell them before I got my surgery. It’s just you who didn’t get their full message. Sorry.

I think meeting you was my greatest mistake. If I didn’t take up Stan’s many invitations to hang out with you guys, I wouldn’t be in this predicament. Of course, he was just being a good person, but I guess you could also blame him for all this mess as well. Kidding.

I really like you, though, Kyle. I know that you don’t like me back. There’s no need to say it. Even if you are reading this post-surgery, there’s no way to tell me that. It’s such a shame, though. I have to throw all my hopes and dreams like this just because I find you cute, witty, and charming.

It’s not your fault, though. I’m sure you know that. You’re a pretty smart and sensible guy. If you blame yourself for this, I think I’m gonna fall out of love with you.

I know I’ve been joking around in this letter, and while everything I have said is true for the most part, I’ll be genuine for a second.

It’s quite pathetic this disease is. Imagine dying because this person you like doesn’t like you back. It’s really fucking stupid. I wish I never liked you just so I could be with you right now. That seems a tad bit too paradoxical to be true, no?

I have and never will love anyone like I loved you. I thought it was a small crush. It was something more, after all. This is probably what I’m meant to be.

Sometimes, I wonder if you became embarrassed of me, seeing how you started to grow more distant from me when became a little older. I don’t know. I hope I’m just reading between the lines a bit too much.

It feels so embarrassing to admit this all to you. I hope you won’t treat me differently after I get the surgery.

I hope that there is another universe that is straight out of the dreams I made of you and me. Where we’d live happily together and cook pies or something. I’m sure, that if we were living together, you would make even the most mundane and tedious things worthwhile.

I’m gonna bury the person I am right now into a daydream with you that’ll last forever.

Yours in every way possible,

He stood in the dark of his room. Mind blank. He didn’t know how to react.

There was only thought in his mind, though: he could’ve saved you if he simply told you how he felt as well.

#south park fanfiction #south park x reader #kyle broflovski x reader #kyle broflovski x you #kyle x reader #kyle broflovski x y/n #cocogrrrl's writing #cocogrrrl's hanahaki series

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nayeonline · 6 months

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Ari's K-Pop Roundup: March 2024 (ILLIT, ARTMS, CHUNGHA, VCHA + MORE)

Check out last months installment here :) sidenote: sorry about this episode being a bit heavy on the smaller reviews - have been experiencing a cruel and unusual combination of illness and exam season lol - next month will hopefully be slightly better

Magnetic - ILLIT (SUPER REAL ME)

Whether you watched HYBE's 2023 idol survival show 'R U Next?' or you had the self preservation to skip it, if you were into k-pop at that time, you definitely heard about it. The show gained attention from the community originally because it was from HYBE, the newest, and arguably currently the most influential k-pop company goliath, and because HYBE's girl groups (notably Le Sserafim and NewJeans) are famous for influencing the kpop scene instantly upon debut, and maintaining their spots in the top 10s of the charts for many months. This was HYBE giving us a look behind the curtain at the making of the next big girl group, and letting us call a lot of the shots along the way. Or at least that's what it was supposed to be. Rigging in these type of idol shows is practically expected, but HYBE was a new offender, and their crimes weren't only frequent, but pretty obvious. The fans protested, but nothing changed. ILLIT, the group that emerged on the other side, was a group that was hardly a showcase of the talent on display on the show, nor a reflection of the fans and their biases. It was a reflection of who the producers felt fit their pre-established concept for the group, an influencing factor that wasn't made clear to the fans watching, nor potentially, to the idols participating. Ironically, since the whole point of a survival show is to drum up support and build a fanbase for a group's upcoming debut, ILLIT has arguably started off on a worse foot than if they had just dropped 'Magnetic' on YouTube out of nowhere, NewJeans 'Attention' style.

However, regardless of their rocky start, ILLIT is here, with their debut mini album 'SUPER REAL ME', featuring the title track 'Magnetic' - let's talk about it. 'Magnetic' capitalizes on that glitchy, 8-bit, distorted, bedroom pop sound that's been blowing up recently, both in the k-pop industry by NewJeans, LOONA, and tripleS, and in the western space by Pinkpantheress. It's easily catchy, and highly danceable, and the members sound amazing on it - I felt especially drawn to Minju's delivery, her vocal tone is beautifully unique, and Wonhee did a stellar job as the centric member of the choruses. Magnetic's allusions to NewJeans are undeniable, if only lacking that certain NewJeans je ne sais quoi. I don't really have a problem with this, if I get more fun songs out of groups allegedly 'copying' NewJeans then it's a win for me, my only fear is that if ILLIT doesn't find their own niche they will be called knock-off NewJeans for the rest of their careers, which isn't fair to the girls. TripleS got accused of something similar back with AAA's 'Generation', but since then they have carved out a space for themselves in the industry, making music and exploring aesthetics others aren't.

As for the b-sides, I was kind of obsessed with 'My World', even though it is functionally an intro; it's such an unexpected earworm. 'Midnight Fiction' is cute, even if I think it needed another hook or layer of production to elevate it more. 'Lucky Girl Syndrome' is slightly better than 'Midnight Fiction', but a bit worse than 'Magnetic'. It's very obvious that the title came before the track, and it bizarrely sounds kind of like 'Sensitive' by Loossemble? The chorus is slightly weak, but I am obsessed with the instrumentation and the production choices - this song sounds nothing like NewJeans, I really hope they draw from this vibe in their future releases.

Overall, a pretty decent debut. You will definitely catch me streaming 'Magnetic' over the next few weeks, whether it will have the longevity to stick around in my playlist for longer remains to be seen. Good luck ILLIT, you've had a rough start in the industry, but it's clear that they have a big career ahead of them, and I for one, am seated.

Pre1: Birth - ARTMS [LOONA] (Dall)

After an iconic run of Haseul and Heejin's solo projects, as well as ODD EYE CIRCLE's first release out of BBC, 5/12 of the LOONA girls are here as ARTMS. 'Birth' is a song that operates outside of the conventions of kpop formulae; its experimental, confrontational, melancholy and bears an undercurrent of rage. Tonally and structurally it is unique from anything being released right now, and lyrically its compelling and mysterious. If this is a taste of what the upcoming album is going to sound like, I am extremely excited.

The music video is one of the best kpop has to offer - its so unlike anything else I have seen. I heavily encourage you all to go check out the theories the orbits/ouriis have been cooking up because LOONA LORE IS BACK!! I am very curious if the loossemble lore will link to this in any way, but that remains to be seen.

EENIE MEENIE - CHUNG HA, feat. HONGJOONG

Chungha is back, with a new company and an old concept. I'm not sure how to feel about this track, its clear she feels very confident in this style and it does suit her more than 'Sparkling', but I think 'Sparkling' was overall a better song. The production of 'Eenie Meenie' is very high quality and I especially loved that guitar layer in the chorus, and bringing Hongjoong in for a verse was a great call, he fits the song and matches Chungha's vibe perfectly. Unfortunately however, I don't find the chorus to be very catchy, which is clearly what the song is banking on in order to chart. The whole 'eenie meenie minie mo' thing is odd, but honestly could have been worse if this song had been given to anyone other than Chungha, the real death sentence for this song was the lack of interesting melody. I'm happy that Chungha is now making the kind of music she wants to, I just hope that the quality of releases go up in the future.

Only One - VCHA

Who knew that when Fifty Fifty crumbled due to their (allegedly) god awful company, it would be VCHA of all groups to successfully pick up the retro girlpop gauntlet?? 'Only One' is genuinely so fun, that post chorus is a killer, and even the mildly awkward writing clears up after the first verse. The girls have such great chemistry, and they are all genuinely improving their skills every comeback, and although I may have questioned JYP's decision to debut girls who had barely been in training, seeing the girls improve in real time is lowkey actually a selling point - like now I want to pay attention to them to see how good they are going to get?? JYP making an intelligent marketing decision?? In this economy?? Congratulations VCHA, you have officially established yourself as a force to be reckoned with, KATSEYE had better bring the heat when they debut to compete with this.

MINI REVIEWS:

Get Goin' - aespa: did you know this song existed? no! Is it surprisingly really fun? well yes! not sure what aespa has to do with fraggle rock, but if it takes Apple TV spamming SM Entertianment's dms to get aespa to release more music, then that's what must be done.

The knight who can't die and the silk cradle - LUCY: (req. by @a-moth-to-the-light) I've always been mildly aware of LUCY, but until my moot requested I review their latest release, I had never heard any of their songs. Needless to say, I was severely impressed. This song is so cinematic and heartfelt - to my knowledge it isn't part of an OST to a particularly cinematic kdrama, but it might as well be. I heavily encourage you all to go watch the mv with subtitles on, or read the translation, because lyrically this is a masterpiece. LUCY, you have officially caught my attention, I will be checking out future releases.

Paths to home - 문채원, HOWUS: The music video for this song, at time of writing, currently has 147 views, I have no clue how I stumbled across it, but I am so glad I did. 'Paths to home' is a beautifully constructed and performed citypop inspired track that to me evokes LOONA's early discography, especially those from Hyunjin's solo project. It is so perfectly constructed to my tastes, I love it to death. I have no idea how 'HOWUS' as a project works, I don't know if it's a group, a company, a subunit, or apparently even when it was released because according to some websites it came out in 2022 (the struggles of extremely nugu kpop cannot be understated), but what I do know is that this song deserves more attention, and I adore it. This is one for the NewJeans, LOONA yyxy, tripleS +(KR)ystal Eyes girlies.

Wish You Hell - WENDY (Red Velvet): SM finally gave Wendy a song that isn't a ballad!!! This song is pretty fun, but I wish it bit more oomph. The lyrics leave much to be desired, but Wendy's vocal performance is naturally very high quality, although I wish she went a bit harder in some sections - she's singing about wishing someone hell, but tonally it sounds like she's serenading them lol. A fun song, could have been better with another few drafts. Seulgi's 'best Red Velvet solo project' crown is yet to slip.

BBB - Purple Kiss: I will never shut the fuck up about how good 'Zombie' is, so seeing them explore similar sounds is so exciting for me!! 'BBB' is a very easy going listen, never awkward, never unpleasant, and although I think it needed a little something more to elevate it, it's a fun song I could easily see myself loving this summer. Swan absolutely ate up this comeback btw.

XXL - YOUNG POSSE: Bizarre sfx aside, I am very glad young posse is attempting to bring back 2000s hip hop into kpop, even if the execution is mildly clunky.

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