#i just need his goofy ass after the bullshit that happened yesterday

[undercover-selfships]

He is holding up my mental health rn.

[mickstart]

what do you think are some iconic/memorable schumi moments? i just got into f1 and would like to know more about him bc somehow i can’t really find anything like that about him.... just stats which are incredibly impressive but i can’t find anything about how he behaved or just anything about his personality..... thanks <3

:) Hi anon, thank you for unleashing the beast.

Ok I love you for asking me this thank you SO MUCH. Welcome to the circus I’m glad you’re here! Also yeah, Schumi is often talked about in terms of statistics and not as a human, Which is a shame bc like! Schumi is fascinating and the dynamics on the grid in late 90s F1 is so much fun! Also, this is mainly going to be late 90s -> early 2010s stuff bc I was born in 98 so uhhh I didn’t properly witness ANY 90s stuff and had to learn about it.

OK so I got super carried away but I’ve divided this into 3 sections: Drives/races that I think showcase some of his talents, human moments we need to talk about more, and Chaotic Little Bitch moments. The key thing to remember w/ Schumi is that he personally tends to be nice but as soon as you put him in a competition, Bastard Mode activates like a cat’s pupils going wide.

I am so sorry for the following short essay. Also some crashes are briefly mentioned but only ones with absolutely no injuries and there’s no details.

Chaotic Little Bitch Moments

Schumi debuted as a SUBSTITUTE driver for Jordan when one of their drivers was in police custody (yes. really.) The highest a Jordan had qualified all year was 10th and in his DEBUT at SPA, one of the toughest tracks, in the middle of the season, Schumi qualified that Jordan 7th! THEN his clutch failed before the first lap was even complete, but Benetton and Jordan WENT TO COURT to fight each other to sign him for their team before the next race in Monza. He couldn’t debut normally he HAD to cause a scene and set the tone.

The Red Strings of Fate: He qualified 7th, his iconic 7 starred helmet, his first victory next year was ALSO at Spa - his first complete race would be at Monza, Ferrari Holy Ground, and he finished 5th which 👀 1) he was immediately racing with The Greats. 2) Mr 5 Championships With Ferrari.

Winning a race by taking a stop and go penalty on the last lap, crossing the finish line in the pits, and making such a complicated argument about said penalty that in a hearing that was SUPPOSED to be Mclaren protesting the race result the stewards scrapped the entire penalty and the 3 who awarded it handed in their licenses??? Iconic.

Austria 2002 where Rubens was ordered to give the win to Michael. And then Michael fucking made him stand on the top step on the podium like “oh no no no RUBENS deserves this” and made a big SHOW out of it and its like “Michael stop you’re not making it heartwarming you’re making it WORSE Michael STOP” The Tension of germany 2010 podium VS the theatricality of THIS podium.

Team orders were banned because of this which also makes this indirectly responsible for Fernando Is Faster Than You having to be a coded message. You can’t escape him,

Blocking Alonso in Monaco qualifying and then, years later in 2010, overtaking Alonso technically illegally at Monaco (the race was ending under safety car, but the safety car doesn’t lead them over the line it pits and they’d crossed the safety car line and the regulations were NOT specific about the rules) and getting a 20 second penalty bc Damon Hill was a steward. Haunting FERNANDO specifically at Monaco like the ghost of christmas past? Getting a harsh penalty because ANOTHER driver he’d fucked over was a steward? Forcing the FIA to rewrite the rulebook to account for his nonsense when he was in his FOURTIES? I don’t know another chaos king.

Winning the 1995 championship by crashing into Damon Hill, getting AWAY with it for some reason, and then trying to do the same thing in 1997 to Villeneuve, failing to do so and simply rebounding off of him harmlessly, almost COMICALLY, and beaching his own car in a gravel trap at which point the FIA said “I have had ENOUGH of you Wacky Races Man!” and disqualified him from the entire championship

Forcing Mika off the track so bad at Spa 2000 that Mika realized the only way he was gonna be able to get past him was to re-invent the overtake and go for it whilst they were passing a backmarker. (The overtake itself is at 2:05 in the video but the build up to it is Important bc the key part it’s not just badass, it only happened bc Mika knew who he was dealing with.)

Spa 1998 was a Ridiculously Chaotic race it truly was the Mugello 2020 of its year, and after a crash at the start that took out almost the entire grid Schumi accidentally collided with Coulthard later in the race. (The teams used to have a spare car at every race then, so the race was able to continue after a restart.) This wasn’t a racing thing, Coulthard was getting lapped. So something in Schumi SNAPS, and he storms down the pitlane and tries to fight Coulthard while the mclaren and ferrari mechanics both hold him back and finally drag him away. He projected into the future, saw Coulthard was gonna talk non-stop shit about Seb, and acted accordingly.

Monaco 2012 Pole don’t talk to me about this I still can’t believe the audacity of this man to get the only pole of his comeback, at MONACO, at the ONE RACE where he had a 5 place grid penalty to take!!

In general, I know Cheating Bad but. I HAVE to admire the brainpower it must take to have the rulebook so memorized that whilst driving an F1 car Schumi could spot a loophole the size of the eye of a needle and then dance through it, forcing the FIA to add ANOTHER page to the rule book specially for him bc nobody else even REALISED that loophole existed.

Human Moments

A quick rant about Mika and Schumi’s entire friendship. After Spa 2000 Mika goes up to Michael, says something like “Don’t ever do that again” then they’re friends again. They had this mutual understanding that Racing was not Reality. This goes all the way back to their F3 days they were rivals AND friends for their entire career. They truly were the Sewis of the era if Sebastian was like 50% more evil. Their entire dynamic is “You’re the only motherfucker in this pit lane who can handle me”. Schumi would do some bullshit and every other driver would throw up their hands in frustration and Mika would just go “Okay” and drive better to put him in his place bc he was the only one who could keep up, and Schumi very visibly LOVED that he’s grinning after Mika owns his entire ass with that overtake at Spa. They were unstoppable force meets immovable object and I’m so sad their rivalry isn’t more talked about bc the way Mika is the only driver who can get him to behave like a normal human being is SO entertaining.

This is a sad one so I won’t link it but he started crying in the 2000 Monza press-conference with his brother and Mika when he equaled one of Senna’s records. The press kept trying to ask questions about it and Mika just has this death grip on his shoulder and tries to get them to stop or let them take a break and it’s so sad but also important to know about.

Once said he didn’t want Mick to race in F1 bc the pressure of his name would put Mick under so much stress and he wanted his son to be happy. (He fully supported Mick in his endeavors! But only after making absolutely sure it was what Mick wanted, and making sure he knew he could just race for fun if he wanted and it didn’t have to be F1)

This whole interview just after Mick was born with the Schumacher family. Special shout out to Gina on his head the entire video and also Corinna talking to the press while Michael is captivated by Mick. Me too Michael.

Once allegedly pleaded to take a stray kitten home from the track?

I reblogged this yesterday but. Sticking like glue to Sebastian at an F1 test and immediately being like “This is my new son he’s gonna go far”. There’s a lot of pictures out there also of Michael being a guest at the karting races Seb went to as a kid and baby Seb visibly losing his fucking mind at being given a trophy by his idol. Every day of my life I think about him trying to ruffle Seb’s hair through his helmet at Brazil 2012

WInning the championship in 2000. Him thanking the entire team individually and pausing mid-celebration to kiss his wife Corinna so tenderly it’s in the F1 opening. Also, the way it literally cuts from the rest of McLaren looking like they’re attending a funeral to Mika grinning at him and hugging him fucking SENDSSSSS me.

Schumi was a little shit in all the 2010-12 press conferences like, lowering Lewis’ chair, playing with a microphone wire, but ESPECIALLY corrupting baby Seb and getting him to mess with Nico Rosberg.

He’s just GOOFY! Like I refuse to let him be remembered as a terrifying force of nature he was so goofy kind of similarly to Seb. PLEASE watch this incredibly awkward interview he did with Coulthard on a golf buggy where they both had to pretend they hadn’t thought about murdering each other at least once. I think Sky F1 should force Brocedes to do this when covid’s over. “Do you mind if I drive?” “Yes.”

EDIT: I CANNOT BELIEVE I forgot the 1999 Canada press conference where Eddie Irvine and Mika Hakkinen get into a water fight and Schumi immediately grabs a towel and hides behind it and is like “I had NOTHING to do with it” 🥺 adorable, actually

A lot of people at Ferrari, including Rob Smedley (who was on the other side of the garage with Felipe Massa so not in his inner circle) have said that a lot of the success of the team came from Schumi’s LEADERSHIP more than anything, that he’d make the team get together to bond all the time. When Schumi moved to Ferrari in 1996 they were NOT dominant. He did the same thing Lewis did - went to a team that everybody said would be a huge mistake and helped build them up behind the scenes.

THIS bit of the Canada 2011 Rewind where his engineer gives him the strategy and he’s like “... OkaAaAaAay?” and then when it turns out to be the wrong strategy he cheerfully tells them it’s too late. Little shit.

Speaking of Mercedes I also wanna say that like. They were a MESS in 2012 and his car DNF’d because of a failing on their part MULTIPLE times. (In Canada qualifying his DRS was stuck open and they couldn’t close it.) He did not say a single bad word about them EVER even though the press used this to attack him non-stop as washed-up and bad without Ferrari to cheat for him. At Ferrari he was the exact same with the team, any bastard antics Schumi had for his rivals did not extend to the engineers and crew.

OK this one is soured bc Top Gear is trash BUT if you were like, a kid in England who followed motorsports? Schumi’s fake reveal as The Stig on Top Gear was like the coolest, sickest thing,

Please view this image of Schumi and Mika when they were young and stupid

Iconic Races

ok so I have limited myself to a few races that show off some of his key strengths!

Hungary 1998 / France 2004 - STRATEGY/SPEED - Schumi switched to a 3 stop strategy in 98 and a FOUR STOP strategy in 04 and won both races. In order for the strategy call to work he’d have to basically make every single lap a qualifying style ‘flying lap’ and you best fucking believe he DID THAT. God I fucking miss when Ferrari was the king of strategy.

Argentina 1998 -  has it all. Talent, battling Mika, pit lane mind games with mclaren, and bullying coulthard xxx

Spain 1996 / a majority of the wet races - RAIN - One of Schumi’s nicknames was Rain Master bc he was so fucking good in the wet. If it started raining and you were a Schumi stan you were cackling evilly before the red lights even went out. I single out 1996 bc it was his first win for Ferrari and it was unexpected but in most wet races, even Canada 2011 post comeback, you can see Schumi thriving.

Malaysia 1999 - Schumi missed pretty much the entire second half of the season with a broken leg, came back for the last 2 races with everybody murmuring about whether he would struggle, and immediately put the Ferrari on pole. Also worth noting is that he was the number 2 driver for these 2 races bc his teammate Irvine was fighting Mika for the championship and he went along with that without complaint, allowing Ferrari to win the constructor’s championship if not the driver’s.

Monza 2002, 03, 04, or 06 just because it has the energy of the tifosi kneeling at the feet of an idol to their red god.

Brazil 2006 - Fuck All Y’all - Schumi’s last race for Ferrari. He got a puncture and ended up almost lapped, and then drove his way back from that to 4th bc he couldn’t go out without reminding us he’s a bad bitch.

Monza 2012 - Defending - Don’t tell F1 Twitter that there’s actual footage of Lewis and Michael having a genuine lengthy battle on track but DO watch Michael defending like a motherfucker and Lewis breathing down his neck for half the race we need to talk about this more.

Valencia 2012 - This isn’t necessarily anything special but I cried in my living room over the only podium of his comeback so it goes on here. It doesn’t have the same impact if you haven’t been watching him struggle with the car for years, DNF-ing from car failure most of 2012, and having BBC F1 telling you he’s washed up every single weekend, but you can just enjoy one of the best drives of FERNANDO’S entire career as he DRAGS that Ferrari by its hair to a home grand prix win and then watch the crowds embrace him like jesus and also Schumi being happy on the podium. Also, the very start of this clip from the press conference: him forgetting what language he’s supposed to be speaking 

Basically, Schumi was a hyper-competitive ambitious bitch who turned into a goofball as soon as he switched the engine off. This is by NO MEANS everything if I was making an exhaustive best races guide I’d do more research and another post but I hope this is what you were looking for?? THANK YOU SO MUCH for letting me go MAXIMUM SPECIAL INTEREST and I apologize.

[finderskeepersff]

72.

I love Barbados, the vibe here is just stress free, I don’t need think about anything at all. Cassius and I decided to stay in yesterday after everything that went on and how he was feeling but I said we need to venture out so we are alone together as a family, I mean I know this place more then he does and I want him to see my home. I have had people visit me here, it’s cute that they come here just to see me when they really don’t need too but I am Jackie’ grand baby and they want to see me so it’s cute. Cassius is still a little quiet which does not bother me but at the same time I would like to know he is ok but I don’t want to keep on saying it to him, that will annoy anybody so I am just taking my time with him. Cassius is an old man at heart though, he has taken to my grandfather and it’s something I see in Cassius a lot, even with Henry, older men with authority, I don’t mean my uncles age, I mean older than that. He takes to them, and it’s cute in a way that he is like that. He takes to them and it’s like he loves to listen to them, but yes my grandfather and Cassius get along so that is good. Cartier and Cassius are waiting on me, I ain’t doing nothing. I am not putting no make up on but I am taking my time still but they got to understand I need to clean the mess they make as I go along, I can’t just leave it for my gran because that is rude. I am in her home so I would treat it like my own of course. Cassius going to say but you done nothing, I mean he said that yesterday when I goes I am getting ready but let me get out of this room and see to them, actually today my mother invited me and Cassius to the home, when she said Cassius I was shocked, I mean she is trying to get along with him which I can accept and I like that she is trying but she has said she is cooking for us both.

It’s funny how it’s only my grandparents and then now it’s Cassius, Cartier and I but yet it is loud in this home “look, Cartier. Dada, that’s me. Now you say it?” Cassius is a pest, he really is because my poor son ain’t heard the last of it with this “he looking at you like be gone” my grandfather said “he is, I think he be looking at me like I am crazy. He said it, he called me dada and before that is nice, he is dada boy” seeing Cassius on the floor with Cartier, I know Cartier is being hard headed though, he refuses to say dada again and Cassius wants him to say it “you know after I heard my first child say daddy, I was done. And then they kept on arriving” shaking my head smiling at my grandfather “you kept going though?” Cassius questioned “that is because my woman was too damn fine, she kept popping them out and then I had these girls. All demanding, daddy this and that. I got to a point I said I need to stop, Jackie you need to stop. But again, I couldn’t keep my hands off her, even now” I gagged a little, I mean I don’t want to hear that but Cassius is actually laughing his ass off “by time you know it Cassius, you got five children running riot, in this home and we got three bedrooms. I was happy to be at work, this what happens when you find the finest woman alive, ain’t that right Jackie” I am surprised my gran ain’t slapped the back of his head “if I wasn’t so busy I would slap you” see I knew that “Sofia, come and sit down” rolling my eyes smiling “we leaving the home now, so if you both want to get frisky you can” pointing at him “you know me” I gagged again but Cassius is loving it “Cassius when you come back, I have lots of stories to tell you” walking into the kitchen “you ain’t slapped him yet?” my gran shook her head “they both bad as each other, Marcel had got someone that will listen to the bullshit” I snorted laughing “you know he loves to tell his stories gran, and Cassius loves to hear them so we both doomed on that” honestly we are “Sofia! Cartier is crawling behind you” hearing Cassius say, looking on the floor behind me “even you are hiding, come here” picking Cartier from the floor “you had enough” placing him on my hip “you let me hold you today didn’t you!” my gran touched his hand “he will get used to you but my mom wants me and Cassisu over today you know? I am a little nervous, only god knows what she is going to say” my gran smiled a little “she does, it’s not bad baby. I wouldn’t allow it, hear her out” I guess if my gran knows, it won’t be that bad.

“I am going now!” I shouted before leaving the house “see, you like your shorts” I pointed at him “yeah, when you get get them?” Closing the door behind me “when I went shopping while you was in Brooklyn, I was like he needs holiday clothes which you don’t have so I got Cartier and you matching shorts, look at how cute you both look matching” Cassius laughed as he started to push the stroller “I look dumb, and bright” wrapping my arm around his “stop it, it’s cute. I like it baby. So are you excited for the beach, with Cartier too” Cassius shrugged “I don’t know, you know me. Like I don’t really do beaches. Like I only experience this with you. This is like my first real holiday, I mean like where there is no friends. Family holiday. I’m from Brooklyn, nigga like me ain’t know what a fucking beach is until now. This is like my first family holiday” I cooed out “this is adorable, I mean I had a pretty shit time with my mom but we came here and it was a holiday for me but it’s ok, we can experience this together with our son. How are you feeling anyways, better?” Looking over at my mom’ home, that was my uncle’ home but clearly he gave it to her which is sweet of him “I’m ok, I feel calm” Cassius smiled at me “calm” he said again “I’ll take that” resting my head on his shoulder “because I love you so much Cassius, and you make me so happy” gran is right I need to love him so much that he is drowning in it, and as much as I want him to spend time with me I should make the effort with him “I love you too, did you like me fat?” Lifting my head up “what makes you think that?” Cassius grinned “because you bought it up, you remember fat me. I hated that shit so much, like I had man boobs. I was depressed as shit, things were so bad for me and I had no money and I was fat. Then you, my god. You looked so beautiful and I was fat as shit but I did it, you right. And you did make me feel secure” he remembering what I said to him “you know Cassius, when you’re happy. You’re happy. I just want you to know that good looks can fade, it’s what is inside that counts. I really hate people saying you’re too beautiful and it’s what drove guys crazy. It’s a curse but they was never right for me, I got you” I pointed ahead “just go left here” I said “but then you met me, another crazy nigga” Cassius laughed “you mean well Cassius, I have not had a man that listened to me and you do Cassius and I love you for that” Cassius chuckled “you my queen Sofia” I cooed, that is so sweet of him.

“I swear to god, are you stalking me cousin?” Hope is here, I swear she is stalking me “no! I work here, at the bar. I am not stalking you even though I want to see him again and he is sleeping again. Look at his stomach out” Hope reached into the stroller touching Cartier’ stomach “he is so cute, but what you doing here? You here for the beach, it’s busy today. You tell me where you set up and I can bring you drinks” I chuckled “really? Don’t treat me like a VIP, I am not that” Hope kissed her teeth “never, he is the VIP not you. Cassius you are the VIP not this” she pointed at me, hitting her arm “bitch whatever, come. Let’s go and sit somewhere” if we can find a spot “you know what cousin, that stroller going to get stuck in the sand, let me put it here and take him out” she got a point “ok at you being helpful now, I will start being nice” I said smiling “let me pick him up, he is asleep so he won’t mind it” Hope offered to take him out “he will get used to you all, I know it. He has just accepted gran and grandfather, he is hard headed like Cassius. I am going to see the mother today, she is making me food. I will let Cassius eat it first before I do” I don’t want to be poisoned “oh, that will be eventful. I am not lying, auntie has been keeping her head down. Not a lie, she been good. Gran gave her a telling off like a big one, but I think she is happy here. I think it’s something you need to hear from her though” squinting my eyes “you know something?” she does “I mean I won’t say I do but it’s something you need to know from her” now that makes me nervous “oh Sofia, he is so cute. Look at him” Hope is hugging him like Cartier wouldn’t have a fit for her doing this “make me want to have kids” rolling my eyes “keep ya legs closed for as long as you can” looking over at Cassius, he is very quiet “oh, I just realised, you and Cartier are matching” she pointed at Cassius “yeah, this is Sofia’ idea” Cassius finally spoke.

I think I want Cartier back to sleep, he is a terror. The third time he has crawled off on the sand, Cassius can chase him. I can relax with my daughter baking in my stomach, time to get my tan on. Feeling a shadow hover over me, opening my eyes “he wants his mom” Cassius said, just seeing Cartier’ goofy face all in my face “you don’t want me” placing my arm over my eyes, I think the hell not “you dada boy so have your dad” seeing as it’s daddy and dada, they can be together “Cartier your momma is being rude” hearing Cassius say, feeling a tiny pair of hands on my stomach. Opening my eyes and looking down and seeing Cartier standing up but using my stomach to balance “what are you doing?” Cartier is staring around him “dada” that word and his drool on my stomach “Cartier” he looked at me, he is up to something because he is side stepping closer to me now “oh god, no” I said, grabbing his hands and holding his arms as he stepped towards “yes baby?” I feel like he wants to sit on me or he is doing something, pulling him down and pressing kisses to his face “you want mommy for once?” I guess he doesn’t like me to be relaxed “what you grinning at there?” Cassius is sat there smiling so much “just like seeing you and Cartier together, you both cute” I don’t know what is wrong with this child of mine, he just wants to lay on me “ok, mommy won’t relax again” let me get up.

Licking my thumb and wiping the side of Cartier’ face and then shuffled back “where is my lick of the thumb face clean?” Cassius spat “excuse me? You get enough of that just please look at me, I want a cute picture of my men together. Look here” holding my camera up “Cassius can you please not be as bad as Cartier with not looking” Cassius grinned “Cartier, look at what mommy got” I said with bubzy in my free hand and quickly took the picture, Cassius lifted Cartier up on his legs so he stood up but Cartier wants bubzy. Cassius wrapped his arms around Cartier torso, I am loving this that I am continuing to take pictures “I am sure you got it now?” Cassius said “you right, I did a while ago” I am happy with that, the matching outfit business “here” throwing bubzy at him “you want to sit on my lap too? I got space” crawling back over to Cassius “I am ok thank you” getting comfortable next to Cassius “I have such cute pictures of you both, I love it” I am actually happy as fuck, family pictures on our first family holiday “I love you” Cassius put his arm around me, Cassius will hopefully let me take a selfie of us . Holding my phone up, looking at Cassius through my phone and he isn’t even looking at what I am doing he is staring at my body “what are you doing?” he looked up at my face “what?” he then looked at the camera and then smiled “I was just thinking” Cassius pulled Cartier in closer but he is busy with his bubzy now, he don’t want to know but I take that because my big baby is not saying no, so I took the pictures before he didn’t want to know.

We have been on this beach for so long, and it’s literally because Hope is feeding us and also bringing drinks over and I like that I am just with Cassius. Cassius walked back over to us and he went out of his way to kick the deformed castle we tried to make “You’re nice” side eyeing him “but it’s ugly, you see them boats. They amazing and the sun is setting, it looks so beautiful” my cousin is here finally “I came in time, I will look after your things and him for you. He will be ok with me?” she sat next to me “he is ok” Cartier looked over at my cousin with his bottle in hand. He took it out of his mouth and then held it out to her “he is ok with you, he is given you things” my cousin took it from him “girl, he think I am the maid. Bye” I laughed as I got up from the floor “my back is going and we need to go soon to my mother’” we going to be extra late, I don’t care “have fun guys” Cassius held his hand out “you trying to be cute?” placing my hand in his “trying to be” looking behind me “just shout us, if he does play up” I doubt it “you see the boats, they look amazing” that makes me think “we should go on one, I will make that happen for you” he seems amazed by them “I like it” Cassius squeezed my hand saying “this?” I pointed to the boat “yes, this whole thing. It’s peace, I like peace” that is a win for me, he feels at peace.

Resting my back against Cassius as he enclosed his arms around me “is this romantic?” he asked, like I would side eye the fuck out of him but he tries his best “do you feel it?” I asked him “I do, it’s a weird feeling like. You know, seeing nature doing it’s own thing, seeing the sun set just hitting against the water. The sound of the waves hitting the beach, it’s peace. It’s beauty and then I am here with you Sofia. It’s memories. You don’t get this shit in America, going to Cali ain’t it either. This hits differently and I like it” I smiled “it’s because we are here with the people we love, it is romantic Cassius and this is what you deserve in life. You deserve to feel these things and I can’t wait to give you many more of those feelings, to be your peace and for me to even be here with you and feel this, this is enough for me” Cassius touched my stomach, I didn’t say anything to him about it because he needs to do this himself and me just saying it, I don’t want to question him “you feel you deserve it too Cassius? I want to know that you feel that” I feel the hairs in my body just standing up, my heart is pounding right now and it’s because I can feel the slight touch of his thumb grazing my stomach “I do, with you” I am thanking god I never gave up on him, there is still work to do but I will be with him.

It’s late, so I decided to leave Cartier with my gran but he is asleep. I kind of made sure I was late so we didn’t eat and also this way we can leave more quick, I rather not stay here for too long “thank you” I said to Cassius because he didn’t need to come with me, it ain’t his mother and also he knows she dislikes him “for what?” he is too busy kicking a rock on the ground “coming with me, you didn’t need too at all. It’s nice to have that support from you” walking up the steps “you will need to leave that rock behind” looking behind me, Cassius laughed “bye bub” he waved at the rock, he is so stupid “whatever” knocking on the door “so you want to kick me then?” Cassius jogged up the steps “no, never. Just when you keep kicking me, I am telling you that bed is small. Like you take the space and then the nerve of you having Cartier in bed with us, he was slapping me. I ain’t feeling it” I did do that to him “sorry” I chuckled “sure you are, knock again” Cassius reached over and knocked on the door but even louder “stop it” grabbing his arm down, the door opened “hi-” I stopped speaking “uh, sorry. I think we got the wrong home” this is a random guy’ home “but I thought she lived here?” Cassius said “Grace’ daughter, Grace!” he shouted, raising an eyebrow “your daughter is here” what on earth is this “she is, I am coming” first of all, who is this man “erm” I said in shock “come in, don’t wait out there” looking behind me at Cassius “what is it?” Cassius said to me “who is that?” I said, Cassius shrugged “don’t be rude, go in” Cassius pushed me in a little “Sofia, come in” my mother came out of nowhere but who the hell is this, my mom hugged me. I didn’t hug her back but allowed her to hug me “it’s late but who cares, are you both hungry?” shaking my head “Sofia, come in” I am wanting to leave already but Cassius is pushing me from behind to go in which I did “Sofia, I want you to meet Erwin” she pointed at the guy “er what? Mom what is this?” I mean who is this man “I think this is Grace’ way of announcing she is getting dick” glaring at Cassius “stop it” I said to him “sit down Sofia” my mom said, I feel set up.

Cassius doesn’t know when to shut up “Sofia, you annoyed with me. Come on, I mean” Cassius shuffled closer to me “his name is Erwin, how ugly is that. Why you upset, everyone needs dick in their life” is this his way of making me feel better, my mom walked back into the living area and sat down “I wanted you to meet Erwin, since coming here I met him and it’s been the best” a man, that is all she wants is men “where is my brother?” I questioned “he is with your uncle, he won’t accept it” I knew that “right, so now you onto another man” I am not happy “I know everything about your mom and I am fine with it, we old and have a past” who is this guy speaking too “you don’t know shit, she is full of shit. Again! Another man, another fucking man. Leyton, what about him?” she puts these men before her kids “we all grow to like people we dislike first, Sofia. Erwin has really changed but Erwin, can I please speak to my daughter alone” she is so full of shit, men in her life have always been trash and then on top of that Leyton is elsewhere. I mean this weirdo could be nice but I don’t care “relax” Cassius said “relax? So if your father gets another woman after everything you going to relax? You going like this woman, no” I barked at Cassius, I moved away from Cassius because I just don’t need him right now to be touching me.

Erwin left the house, I mean he can hear this shit I don’t mind it “Sofia, I am sorry. I am a bad mother, I know it. I can’t account for what I was like” I can’t take her serious “I am not even here for you, I am here for them two down that road, not you. All your fucking life you have been surrounded by men, men just fucking you. Your back is broke, too many fucking niggas fucking you. You’re a fucking bitch you know that, I don’t care anymore. I am having my own daughter, I can’t even believe I call you mom still” this woman gets me so angry “Sofia, I don’t blame you for being angry” I kissed my teeth “angry? You hated me because men liked me, grown men wanted me. You acted like you saved me but you didn’t you kept having these men in the home knowing they was thinking things about me, you aren’t real with your apologies. I can still see it, you still hate me. You hate that I am ok, you hate that I am with a man and with kids because you wanted that but nobody loved you enough to care, I mean why would they? You’re a lying fucking bitch! You fucking bitch, you ruined everything for me, I could have had a relationship with my dad, but you lied. Now I see you, everything comes back to me. You’re just trash and I can’t accept you, I can’t accept it like I thought I would” I am not doing it “I am sorry Sofia, I was in a dark place myself but I never wanted you hurt” shaking my head “fuck you” getting up from the couch, I don’t want to hear it with this bullshit man of hers.

[polygamyff]

14. Part 2

Placing my phone in my bag, staring down at my wedding ring. I stare at this thing everyday, I want to get rid of it but I can’t, I refuse to be thrown to the side while he has some woman pregnant, I want what is mines. I will fight him for this, he better give me what I want. He’s now ignoring my calls, I am staying in California until we sort this out. Even if my mom is concerned for me, she thinks I am up to something which I am. I am just angry, he fucks other women and now he’s stuck on one, out of them all. I thought in my mind we had an agreement to this, he did what he pleases but he comes back to me. I love him so I wanted to make him happy, but I guess it was no use. I question why I am on this earth, what use am I. Picking my bag up from the bed, I can lie my way through this. My dad thinks I am doing something so good here which is bullshit, I am just waiting for my husband to tell him the fuck he is doing. Dragging the door open and stepping out “if I knew you was going to make me late for work I wouldn’t have even stayed with you, come on” I jerked back into my room, closing the door a little more. I know the voice “it was Malik, he wouldn’t wake up. I have to take him with me” I clenched my teeth together “you had a shower, I said don’t. Come back and do it, I am late for work which is bare minimum. They said I am doing reduced work because of me not being well” poking my head around to see, she is really still around and slept in his room. She was just next door to me, how hard it was for me to get a penthouse suite on my own and not with my husband “Malik, get out. Blame Robyn we leaving early” she gripped his arm, watching her grab his face “I told you I had work in the morning, you said but stay with me and I will take you, did you not?” look at his goofy smile, he never once smiled with me, interacts with me in such a way. I would be walking behind him, not speaking. She kissed his lips and I had to look away “I did but Malik, don’t worry about it. She made everyone late, she wanted to save water” looking back over at them, Malik closed the room door “y’all nasty, so it is Robyn wanting sex that made herself late, blaming us” she hit his arm but he laughed it off as they walked off, his arm wraps around her shoulder. My eyes welled up, I shouldn’t feel this hurt but I do.

Robyn’ place of work is so damn far, now I get what she means but it was nice to have Robyn in bed with me. I am happy she said yes, my eyes are still sore from yesterday but to just wake up with Robyn in my bed was good “come here” patting the seat “why you sitting so far, I won’t annoy you” that’s all I been doing “I am going to miss you, forget it I will come to you” shuffling across the seat “I am just thinking” reaching over and putting the window up and then placing my arm around Robyn “about what?” pressing a kiss to the side of her head “that I could get used to morning sex, sorry I blamed you. You was just the easiest option” I chuckled “I knew that, I take it. But I am only at work from nine until three, which is good. They supportive since being pregnant, then I am meeting Leon and we are going to start buying things for the apartment” she is doing a lot today “make sure you rest though, eat too. My baby told me it likes to eat a lot” Robyn smiled staring at me all confused “you made that up, but are you ok after yesterday? It was a lot and I didn’t want to just leave you like that” resting my head against the side of her face, she placed her hand on the side of my cheek “I am good, I am happy. I am going to go to Texas. Move my things out to storage, I am moving closer to you. Don’t be jealous when you see my place” Robyn scoffed “I ain’t jealous of shit because I know where you will be” moving my head back to look at Robyn “where is that huh?” she is so confident in that “in this pussy, I know you” laughing at Robyn knowing me so well, she poked my dimple with her finger.

I am happy I dropped her off at work now, I know where she works and which department to come too “I wanted to ask, does Leon have the money to even buy things with you?” I don’t want Robyn paying for all of that “it’s difficult, it’s always been just him and his mom and his half siblings, there is no man in the house if you know what I mean. His mom works two jobs, they live if you get me. He has been always wanting to move with me, he has saved money for it but it’s not the most. I don’t judge him, he’s my friend. I only ask for his love and loyalty from him, we grew up different but went to the same school, college together. He hasn’t grew up in the best situation but he tries, he works at Sprint and gets the minimum” nodding my head “ok, I am working on getting rid of Ally. I could have him as my assistant but I don’t see him working, working. My hotel is far from where you are, I will sort something out for him. I know a lot of people here, doesn’t matter about his grades or what he is. He makes you happy, so I’m happy” Robyn cooed out “awww Maurice, thank you for looking after my friend, he means no harm. Aww baby” Robyn wrapped her arms around my neck “come back from Texas as soon as ok? You can help me do my apartment up” she really making me work “I will be back and I got you, you’re my girl, have a good day at work too” pressing a kiss to her neck as I moved back “thank you, I love you” pressing a kiss to her lips “I love you too” leaning down “and you have a good day at work too” touching Robyn’ stomach “stop it, you do that in private” she said through gritted teeth like I care, that’s my baby in there.

Closing my car door “gentleman, nice to see you all. I want you to gather everything and take it out. Everything gone from this house. You take the vans and give it to charity, there is nothing of mine in that house that I need so have fun and do what you need to do” looking over at Malik, he smirked at me. The group of men just walked off, Noami lives here so she will come back to an empty home with a for sale sign on. She shouldn’t have called my child a bastard, all her things are going to be gone while she wants to be in California stalking my ass, maybe she should have stayed her ass here. Malik laughed shaking his head “Mr Davenport, I am Sarah” shaking her hand “I want a quick sale, do what you need to do. I mean everything will be cleaned out, there is no memories here so don’t worry” she smiled “that is fine, I will go inside and do what I need to do” I want to get this done so I can go to my parent’ home and get things on the road with that “she is going to die, she wants to keep this a secret and you like fuck it” turning to Malik “she called my child a bastard, this what she gets. Strike one, she can now explain to her parents why she is moving” she don’t run shit, I run it.

I left Malik there to overlook while I get this done “there is a storage unit in California, put these cars in there. When needs be I will get them there” I said speaking to the guy loading my cars “what is this Maurice? Making a mess of my front yard” it’s the man himself “moving, that is what. You have the home to yourself now” my dad is not happy “you know those times where I came here every week, not happening. I am moving to California, you can come and see me but book in an appointment and Adam, he’s a good kid. He looks just like us, you have strong genes dad” walking off “Maurice, please tell you’re not moving” my mom said with those ugly ass dogs “yes I am mom, it’s time to move on. I like it California and I have a life there” my mom grabbed my face with her hands “my baby, but I love you all coming home. That is what I enjoy” she is hurting my face “and that can still happen, I will be back now and then. I will be back even more if dad died” my mom sighed out “but where is Malik, he is staying right?” shaking my head “he is staying with me, I am looking after him, I put him in rehab, I want him to actually have love. Mom you too into you, you don’t know how to deal with that. I love you mom, I do but being a mother was never your forte, we know” my mom couldn’t say much because I am right.

Lighting my blunt thinking if I should take everything from my room “you actually went to Germany then?” moving the blunt back from my lips “you damn right I did dad, I know if you was well enough you would beat my ass but I know that can’t happen. Why lie?” turning to him, looking down at my blunt lighting the blunt again “you think I get by in life by telling the truth, he is nothing to me. I gave them money so they should be happy, I hate his mother and I would never let them have anything. I love Joy, I want her to have the world. I love my two boys and daughter” looking up at my dad “but that’s wrong, that’s your seed! I hate Noami but me, I would love that child but that bitch ain’t giving me shit. So now what? What do you want?” he in my room for what “I wish you listened to me at times, I took you everywhere. I showed you love but you just disobey me everytime” he for real trying to be emotional with me “I get it, you did. You showed me more love than Malik and Nalah, thank you dad but I grew up. I saw the lies, the lies is what makes me hate you. The fact you made my life yours, you could have made it different for me but you didn’t. I have feeling, even in death you will probably haunt me. I wish you was a better person, but you are not me” my dad is fucked up in the mind.

I thought I would meet up with Shawn while I am here “father of the year” he hollered out, shaking my head laughing “come here” Shawn hugged me “how you been? It’s good to see you’re happy, I know that there is no shit happening or you would be calling me” moving back from the hug “everything is blessed, I couldn’t ask for more Shawn. Robyn and I are working through it, I am just happy. I am moving to Cali, it’s working out” Shawn clapped his hands “I am so happy for you, Maurice. Oh my god, this is beautiful. I am happy for you. So the baby is good? Robyn good? Life good?” placing my hand over my heart “all good, I am just happy that Malik and you know. This baby is about to be the best thing to happen” my phone started ringing “you got your crib yet?” he asked, shaking my head answering the call “what do you want?” Noami been trying to call me “when are we meeting again? Or you too busy” she thinks she runs the show “I am in Texas, the home is for sale. Just picking my things up. I was thinking, should I get an apartment or a mansion for my bastard child? What you thinking?” the phone line went dead silent “I know what you said, Naomi I am ain’t playing strike fucking one. Your shit is down the charity store, the home is for sale so explain to your family why, make sure you make up a good lie. You told me to find a woman that will love me and I have, so pull up that contract before things get messy. And Naomi, if I hear you breath Robyn’ name or talk down to my child. It won’t be just your things taken, it will be your dignity. You can talk down to me but not them, so thank you for the call but I am busy” disconnecting the call “holy shit, we have so much to talk about! Oh my god!” Shawn is screaming outside his place of work like a damn monkey.

How terrible is this, like I can see the pouch. I mean I am not upset about it but I wanted to keep it a secret for longer, I bet this baby is going to be huge and that will be Maurice’ fault, I don’t know if he was a big child but I will assume he was. While I can, I am going to wear my tight fitting clothes. I should start packing while I have some time, Leon is late as per usual. Stores will closed by the time he comes along, grabbing my jacket from the bed. Smiling at the Burberry bag, I am not even lying with that being the most expensive thing in my wardrobe now. I can’t wait to wear it, I want to wear it before I get big so he better take me on a damn date, soon. Walking down the steps, I am sad I have to leave my home. Even if my dad is trying to tell me to stay it’s final, he pushed me towards that. I am not trying to punish my parents but my dad needs to know he can’t talk to me like that, and it does look like he will have to accept Maurice “still waiting for Leon?” my mom sad “yes, you know him. Once my apartment is all cute, you have to come and see” my mom poked her lips out at me “I am sad you’re going but you’re bedroom is always here, we will make the spare room into a room for my grandchild. I want to look after her” pulling a face “her? Since when, but mom you are the babysitter. Trust me” she is the only one “I am so very excited for you, for your journey. I am just predicting, a girl. They are so precious” sitting down on the stool in the kitchen “same, I am aching though. Maybe it was early but my stomach is hurting” I hate it, but it’s my body changing.

Watching my mom layer the lasagne “it looks so nice, can’t wait to eat now” I am going to kill Leon, he is so useless “well I put some away for you, are you feeling ok though? Even though you are aching?” nodding my head “I feel fine, I feel whole. Mom, I have something to say” my mom is being more open minded with Maurice so I feel I want to tell her “yes baby” sighing out “so, last night I was with Maurice. I stayed with him, I decided to stay with him. It’s complicated but he wants me, he wants to be with me. I love him so much, as much as he needs me I need him. He was truthful to me and I cried but it was weird, I wasn’t crying for me. My heart was crying because of him, he was hurting. I get these moments and it scared me so much, I saw his wife too. Mom they are so evil towards him, like she was trying to tell me to go. To go for what? So you can continue to be evil towards him, you know when you live just because, that’s Maurice. So we spoke, I told him I am sticking by you. Love is never perfect, whoever said it was perfect are liars and it was never real. Real love is giving yourself to the person that gave himself to you, mom he gave himself to me and he barely knew me” my mom stared at me, she looks a little speechless “wow, you really found your soul partner. Your other half, that is so beautiful and I am happy you told me this. I don’t like to know you lied to me, I understand Robyn. I understand that he has been through what he has. I just don’t want my daughter hurt but you know what you are doing. So you are both together then?” I can easily speak to my mom “yes we can, we taking it as it is. I don’t feel like what we have should have a title because we know what we are in our hearts, I am still staying in the apartment and he is staying in his. I am thankful you raised me this way, because if I was not like you so open minded and accepting then any bitch would leave in a heart beat so thank you mom” she did raise me like this “I don’t think I will tell your dad but I am over the moon that you have found love, it’s beautiful” nodding my head, she is damn right it is.

Leon has yet to say sorry for being late, he is busy singing to Nicki Minaj. I wish he could drive because I would make him drive “wait!” he spat turning the music down “I didn’t tell you, guess who is back in California? Tiffany” that is not good news “she called you?” Tiffany doesn’t call me anymore, she is just a bitch “she did, she was like we should meet up. She wants to see our apartment, she goes oh I can have sleepovers I was like. Well I didn’t say, but I wanted to say bitch where? We got the baby, we have Maurice, then where? Me and his brother, like he can sleep in my bed I am not selfish on that” I giggled at Leon “he’s not gay, leave him be ok? But she doesn’t know shit, do not tell her anything about me being pregnant. So I am guessing she wants to meet?” I was wishing she didn’t, turning off on the highway “yes boo, she does. She said Kellen is here too, the whole crew back together I guess” how exciting.

Leon is embarrassing me “will you stop doing that, jumping on the beds” he says that he needs to test them out “I am only seeing if the the thing is comfortable” if we get kicked out of Ikea because he keeps doing it “I don’t see why your man needs to get another place, clearly he going to be all up under you every day” he is not wrong “it’s up to him, he can do what he likes. I am happy he is allowing me to stay there, don’t’ be shocked in a couple of months we moving. He did say you are coming with, also Leon he was thinking about you, not sexually” Leon was about to say “oh, ok. Tell me more?” walking slowly with Leon “he just said that he will get you a job, he knows people. He did say he would you his assistant buy you don’t know how to behave but he said he will find you something, how nice is that? I want my friend doing well” Leon giggled aloud “oh my gosh, this is so amazing. I wonder what he is going to do to me though, my gosh. He is so cute Robyn, someone thinking of me. He doesn’t have too but I do feel bad, I don’t like taking off anyone you know me. I do my own, I just need someone to take pity on me” Leon just wants an easy life “well Maurice has taken pity on you so you better be nice to him, he has a beautiful heart” just like that my phone started ringing, digging into my bag “I never said he didn’t, just don’t like when my friend is stressed and I was thinking we could beat his wife up, I didn’t know but if I did I would beat her ass” Maurice is calling me “I feel like she would actually beat your ass” answering the call.

“Hello, mi hombre” Maurice gasped “Bonita, what is this? Who learnt you this?” god I miss his face “I am learning, trying too. Seeing as you won’t help me” he just wants to always catch me off guard “did I not tell you? I will teach you Spanish while in Spain, give me the word? We can go right now” he is crazy “stop it, we will go Spain soon. I always wanted to go New Zealand, I just really wanted to go there. My parents was eventually going to take me but we going Alaska, I think that is on hold after my announcement” I don’t think we will be going now “we can have our wedding there, I don’t mind” my heart jumped “stop it, talking about that. Have you ever been?” talking about marriage already “no, even though we have hotels there. My dad still runs them, I don’t have a say. If you want to go, tell me. Just like with Paris thing, if you want to go tell me. If you going away, go when you’re not heavily pregnant” look at him, he already thinking “you’re so adorable, what are you doing there?” it seems quiet “I am in bed, I am tired” pulling a face “you’re in bed? Wow, I am in Ikea, picking out a bed but Leon keeps on jumping on them” I am shocked he is in bed already “you better pick out a nice ass bed babe, something that will be able to hold us when we having sex” I knew it, I knew he would say that.

[psycho-slytherin]

Strangers ch. 15

Xiumin and Lisa both surprise you, albeit with very different stakes.

Pairing: Yoongi x (female) Reader

Word count: 1.4k

Genre: Fluff

|mlist|

<–– Prev   Next ––>

“So this is what you meant by see you tomorrow?”

Xiumin shrugs. “I hope you’re not disappointed?”

“How could I be?” you laugh, accepting his offered bouquet. “Here I was, ready for work–”

“Surprise! No work, just brunch,” Xiumin says, procuring a pastry box from behind him. “I bought croissants.”

“Yummy! Come in, let me make some coffee.” you pad back inside and set the coffeemaker to work, swiftly sweeping scrap paper and your latest homework assignments off the kitchen table to make room for two plates.

“Sorry for the mess,” you apologize.

“Not at all! It’s my fault for dropping in on you like this,” Xiumin says, setting down the box.

“You dropped in with flowers and food,” you say, grabbing a spare mug from the cupboard as the coffeemaker announces that it’s done. “You’re totally forgiven.”

“Awesome,” Xiumin says with a goofy grin. “How can I help?”

“Could you put those in that vase over there?” you say, nodding at the brilliant pink peonies. “And how did you know my favorite flower?”

“You did a performance with your improv troupe where you mentioned it,” Xiumin says. “It’s a random thing to make up, so I figured you were telling the truth.”

“You’ve seen our performances?”

Xiumin laughs. “Sure, it’s hard to ignore the posters all over campus.”

“What’s your major again? I forgot you went to Seoul Arts too,” you admit, using the shortened name for the university.

“Visual arts with an emphasis on contemporary painting,” he says. “So basically I’m destined to work at the cafe my whole life.”

“Same. You’re talking to an actress, remember?” you remind him.

“Ah, but you’re good at what you do.”

“I’m sure you are too,” you laugh, biting into a croissant. It’s soft, flaky, and the perfect thing to help you recover from your episode last night. You’ve heard of panic attacks, but surely that’s not what your minor freak-out was.

You finish breakfast with more pleasant chatter, and Xiumin stands to help you wash up.

“I actually had something I wanted to ask you,” he says as he dries off the dishes.

“Yeah? Shoot.”

“I was wondering if you’d like to be my girlfriend?”

Wuh?

“I know it’s fast and all,” Xiumin rushes to say. “I don’t need an answer right now. I… well, you’re pretty amazing, y/n. I don’t want someone else swooping you up while I’m pretending to like you only as a coworker–”

“Xiumin,” you say, elbowing him. “Calm down. I’ll think about it.”

His eyes gleam with happiness. “You will?”

“Of course.” Why wouldn’t you? Xiumin’s a nice guy, and he likes you. You like him too, right?

“Awesome! Then I’m gonna get going,” Xiumin says. “I, uh… I may or may not have told the manager I had a morning class, and I’m supposed to be back at the cafe-” he checks his watch, “Fifteen minutes ago.”

“Yeah, of course! Thanks for breakfast.” you wave him out the door before inhaling deeply. Well, that happened.

Shit, homework! You rush to your desk and open your laptop. With the craziness of yesterday, you’ve still got so much to do before tomorrow. You groan at the realization that you have a huge presentation due Friday, and you need to rehearse a monologue for your Shakespeare unit, plus all of your day-to day homework and your job at the cafe… It’s gonna be a busy week.

And it was. Between your morning classes, afternoon study sessions and night shifts at the cafe, the week goes by quicker than you expect.

You and Yoongi text whenever you can, but with his fanmeets and comeback preparation as well as your own schedule, you only manage rushed conversations. Still, you talk about both everything and nothing at all.

You sit back Saturday afternoon and stretch. It’s been a whirlwind of a week– you had dinner with Xiumin twice and Lisa’s come over just about every day to study with you. Even so, you’re pretty sure you failed your history exam, and your advanced literature essay was ninety percent bullshit.

A buzz behind you, and reach for your phone.

“Hello?”

“Darling y/n, my beautiful wife, the most amazing–”

“Lisa,” you sigh, bemused. “What do you want?”

“How do you know I want anything? Maybe I’m just wishing you a happy early birthday.”

“You only get that compliment-y when you want something.”

Lisa laughs over the phone. “You caught me. My housemates are having a cocktail party tonight, and I really don’t feel like going– you know how snobby they get when they’re drunk off martinis. Can I sleep over?”

“Of course! God forbid you face the wrath of Wendy’s tipsy critiques again,” you giggle. “Yeah, come on over whenever. We can watch a movie and stuff ourselves full of the cheapest ramen money can buy.”

“You know me so well,” Lisa says, sighing wistfully. “I’ll be there in an hour.”

“By which you mean three.”

“Don’t expose me, y/n!”

You laugh. “See you soon.”

Three hours later you hear a knock at your door and Lisa walks in with her overnight bag.

“I’m still jealous that you live alone,” she announces, flopping on your bed.

“In this tiny ass apartment that’s costing me an arm and a leg? I’ll trade you.”

“You’d rather five housemates than a kitchen you can barely turn around in?”

You consider it. “Good point. Never mind.”

“What movie do you want to watch?” Lisa asks, opening her laptop.

“Something American?” you suggest. “I’ve been meaning to practice my English.”

“Ugh, I hate subtitles,” Lisa whines. “But you’re the birthday girl, so I’ll be a good friend.”

“Wow, I feel like royalty,” you tease. “I’ll change into my pajamas. Pick whatever.”

A few hours later find you and Lisa bawling as the Titanic end credits roll.

“Th-that was beautiful,” Lisa sniffles.

“I’m never getting on a boat again,” you announce, wiping your eyes.

Still hiccuping, Lisa looks at her watch. “Woah! We need to sleep!”

You check your phone. “It’s not even midnight.”

“Yeah, but I’m totally taking you out for a birthday breakfast tomorrow, so we have to be up early.”

You smile at your friend. “Alright, fine. But you’re making too big a deal of it. It’s just a day.”

“You’re so weird. Of course it’s a big deal– your birthday only comes once a year! Now go to sleep. Goodnight!”

With the abrupt order, Lisa turns over in your bed and closes her eyes.

Why do I love her, you wonder as you climb into bed next to her. With your friend’s quiet breathing a calming constant, your eyes flutter shut and you let sleep take you.

“Did you see my bag? Did you see my bag?”

You groan, pressing your face against your pillow. “What the–”

“Sorry, sorry!” Lisa scrambles to shut off her alarm. “I forgot that was on.”

“Mm…” you’re about to turn over and fall back asleep when Lisa pokes your cheek. “Whaaat?”

“Happy birthday!”

You yawn, sitting up. “Thanks, hon.”

“Now let’s get going.”

“Excuse me?”

“I, uh… I made breakfast reservations for my bestie!” Lisa says excitedly.

“Ah, really? Thanks,” you reply, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surpri-ise,” Lisa sings. “Now get dressed. Wear something a little sexy, yeah?”

Your raise an eyebrow. “Sexy? For breakfast?”

“Or don’t. You’re the birthday girl,” Lisa tells you, already waiting by the door.

Twenty minutes later you’re speeding down a highway, dressed in a snug black v-neck and high waisted shorts. It’s only breakfast, after all.

Half an hour of driving leaves you drumming your fingers against the dashboard. “Are we there yet?”

“Tsk, you’re so impatient,” Lisa complains. “We’ll be there soon.”

“Good, I’m starving.”

“You’ll be very well fed, I promise,” Lisa says, winking at you.

“O-kay…”

Ten minutes later, the traffic begins getting heavier.

“Jeez, why are so many people out this early on a Sunday?” you say, staring at the line of cars in front of you.

“No clue, maybe they all want breakfast?” Lisa suggests.

“I guess.”

You eventually park in front of a large but nondescript building. Streaming past you are dozens of chattering teenage girls, most of them wearing… what?

“Why is literally everyone wearing Bangtan merch?” you hiss at Lisa.

She laughs sheepishly. “I guess I can’t keep it a secret any longer. Surprise, y/n! I got us tickets to a BTS fanmeet. Happy birthday!”

A/N Thank you so much for reading! As always, my inbox is open and I’d love any feedback you may have :)

[tylerseguin]

quarter past midnight: chapters 2 & 3

CHAPTER 1: [X]

Pairing: Tyler Seguin x Reader

Characters: Tyler Seguin, Jamie Benn, John Klinberg, Katie Hoaldrige & Reader

Summary:  You and Jamie have been best friends forever and you have one very important rule: we don't date each other's family members. For most of your life, that's not a problem but after having been gone for a couple years, you come back to Toronto and suddenly, something starts to happen between you and Jamie's cousin, Tyler. This could potentially screw up your most important friendship but there's just something about Tyler Seguin that drives you crazy.

Warning: There’s gonna be smut, eventually but it’s safe now.

Notes:  I definitely was inspired by The Kissing Booth movie so you'll 100% see some references to that.

You can also read it on Ao3

Chapter 2 & 3 summaries: You go over to Jamie and Tyler's for the first time since you moved back and Tyler dares to stroll half naked in his own apartment. Rude. Oh and then you go brunch with Jamie and the mention of a party is brought up.

Chapter 2

You'd arrived to your parents house two days ago, had spent the whole day setting up your room yesterday and finally, you were able to visit Jamie today. He'd been working the past couple days and so, hadn't been able to come help you out but it was Saturday now. That meant you had the whole weekend to spend with him. Maybe you wouldn't be moving in with him but you had every intention of spending most of your weekends there. That was something you were comfortable doing. You'd thrown a couple of articles of clothing and a toothbrush in a backpack and drove to Jamie's. It was 11am and you knew he was awake. The both of you were so excited to see each other. It had been about a month since the last visit but that was only because you were so busy with finals, there was no point in him visiting you. So, naturally, you were beaming and couldn't wait to get there. You even stopped at Starbucks to get you both some coffee. The plan was to hang out a bit at his place and then go out for brunch but coffee was always necessary to start your day. Even if you'd get unlimited refills at the restaurant, you needed an iced latte to drink before you even got there.

You knocked twice at the door and then simply walked in. You'd been to Jamie's apartment before - just never when Tyler lived here - but you weren't thinking about the other roommate. Besides, it was just a thing you two did no matter where you were. At each other's parents' house, at your old dorm, at his apartment, wherever. "I'm here!" You called out, carrying the two drinks into the living room. You barely had time to put them down on the coffee table when you heard someone run towards you. "Jamie!" You squealed, turning back in time to be pulled into some strong arms and twirled around. He could lift you up and carry you around just like that. Sometimes, it made you freak out a little but you knew he could handle it. Besides, you just wanted to get one of those famous Jamie hugs. He basically wrapped his whole body around you and made you feel so safe, so at home. There was a huge grin on your face when he put you back down onto the ground. "A month apart is way too long. We're never doing that again. Ever." He told you sternly and you nodded. "Yes, sir." You teased. "Ugh, I'm so happy to be back. Please remind me of that when I start complaining about being back at my parents' place." Jamie smiled softly at you and squeezed your shoulders. "Hey, remember what I said. You can crash here any-" He started saying but you waved him off. "Don't even think about it. I'm not moving in with two...boys." You wrinkled your nose as you looked over the messy state of their apartment. "Oh, shut up. It's not that bad." Jamie laughed.

"Yeah, okay. Sure." You rolled your eyes and pushed at his chest. "Go! Get ready so we can get some brunch, I'm starving!" You two were planning on hanging out here for a little bit but honestly, their apartment really did need a good cleaning. You'd much rather go out than stay in here. Walking over a pair of socks and pushing aside a dirty tshirt on the couch, you sat down and grabbed your Starbucks. You sipped on it while playing on your phone. You'd already seen everything on your Instagram feed but there was nothing else to do while you waited. Jamie was in the bathroom getting dressed or fixing his hair, you didn't really know but you hoped he'd be quick. So, when a door opened, your head quickly snapped up and was ready to go but it wasn't Jamie. It was a very shirtless Tyler Seguin in only a thin pair of boxer briefs. Your heart dropped and you were honestly not sure if your jaw had followed. All you knew was that you were eye fucking his body hardcore. You'd looked him over before, sure, but never this intensely and obviously. He just walked straight out of his room and to the bathroom door. "Yo Jamie." He banged on the door. "Hurry up." Your eyes had followed him, now taking in his back muscles down to his ass. When the fuck had he gotten this hot? Well, he'd always been good looking and you'd drooled over him time and time again but there was a sudden hunger inside you. You'd never wanted to drag him into bed before but it was definitely something you were experiencing now.

Had he seen you check him out? He'd just strolled so casually in his half-naked glory, not pausing once. Wait, did he even see you? Hopefully, he hadn't because you really didn't need...fuck. Tyler looked over his shoulder and winked at you, making it clear that he knew exactly what was going on in your head. "Hey you, long time no see." He said in his damn seductive voice or maybe that was just his normal voice. Shit. You blushed furiously, frowned and looked back down to your phone as if anything could be more interesting than his body. The image of him in those thin underwear would forever be in your mind and you had absolutely no problem with that. He may be off limits in reality but Jamie never said you couldn't be all over him in your fantasies. "Go put some pants on, Tyler." You groaned, acting childish and pretending to be grossed out by his delicious looking body. "Aw, but I like making you drool. It's cute." He retorted and you looked up, gasping in shock and threw the nearest sofa cushion in his direction. He laughed, successfully catching it as the door opened. Jamie strolled out, staring at the two of you in confusion but brushed it off immediately. "Ready?" He asked you and you immediately jumped up to your feet. "Absolutely. Let's go." You grabbed his Starbucks and handed it to him on your way out...but not before looking back one more time at Tyler, resting against the bathroom door with an amused smirk on his lips.

Chapter 3

"So, Ty and I are planning to have a party at our place next Friday." He told you as he shoved some eggs in his mouth. The mention of his cousin's name got you out of your daydream. "Hm? Oh yeah?" You hummed, zoning back into the conversation. What about Tyler? Damn, seeing him earlier had really done something to you. To be fair, it probably had to do with the fact that you hadn't gotten laid in almost a year. You had a boyfriend for a short while back in Montreal but school had completely consumed your life. That relationship easily fell apart and you hadn't bothered finding another guy, not even for a one night stand. So, yeah. Seeing a man look so good in his boxers had awakened your sex drive for the first time in what felt like forever. "Are you even paying attention to anything I'm saying?" Jamie teased you and gently kicked your shin under the table. You rolled your eyes and kicked him back. "Yes, I am. I heard what you said, you're having a party on Friday." You repeated, kind of surprised that you'd even registered that but were pleased with yourself. You did feel a little bad because you'd been distracted ever since you left the apartment earlier and hadn't been paying much attention to Jamie but you would now.

You grabbed the maple syrup and started pouring it all over your pancakes before speaking. "Am I invited to this party?" You asked with a teasing smirk, knowing very well that he would never not invite you somewhere. Hell, Jamie would probably invite you to third wheel one of his dates if he knew you had nothing to do. That was just the kind of friendship you guys had. Everything was out in the open, except for these dirty thoughts you were currently having about his cousin. It was his turn to roll his eyes. "Obviously, you idiot. Besides, I kind of need you to help me out with something..." Jamie began, not giving you the time to respond. "I know this is juvenile but I was wondering if you could invite Katie for me? The last time I saw her, it was on St-Patrick's day and I was so drunk. If you do it, she might actually show up and I can redeem myself somehow?" He grinned at you, one of those cheesy grins that always won you over. He was too adorable and you could never deny him anything. Jamie had always had a crush on Katie Hoaldridge but he was never able to talk to her. It was ridiculous considering how much of a handsome catch he was but he was also such a dork. Your dork of a best friend. So, you smile sweetly at him and nodded. "Of course, I will. I can even be your...wingwoman or whatever." As if you had any talent with that in the first place.

Jamie was laughing, clearly relieved. He really was throwing this party so that he could get a second chance at getting the girl of his dreams and you were so here for that. "You know, this is basically your welcome home party." He mentioned after taking another huge bite of his food. "Bullshit." You ripped off a piece of toast and threw it at him. "This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Katie Hoaldridge. I'm just a simple pawn in this whole masterplan." Jamie took the toast and popped it in his mouth, smiling all goofy. "Okay, maybe but more people will show up if we label it as such, though..." You had been cutting your pancakes and suddenly paused when he said that. "Oh, come on. I've been gone for, like, 9 years. Who would remember me or want to come to a party for me?" You asked seriously before taking a bite of your pancakes. You'd had a lot of friends in high school, sure, but you'd stopped talking to everyone after one or two years in Montreal. You didn't actually think anyone still considered you as their friend anyway. "Well..." He began. "Some of guys have been mentioning you to me. You remember Klingberg?" You frowned in confusion. "I mean, I remember him but why would he mention me?" You asked, reaching for your coffee. This conversation had taken quite a turn.

"C'mon, we post pictures of us on Facebook all the time and you haven't unfriended him. He sees you on there and he thinks you're hot." Jamie waggled his eyebrows at you. That was a good thing about your friendship. Even though he was a guy and was basically your brother, he never got overprotective and got in the way of you dating guys. Instead, he was usually the one encouraging you and introducing you to people. "Wow..." You made a face, thinking this through. "John Klingberg, huh?" He wasn't anything like Tyler but since you couldn't act on your sexual frustrations with him, you might as well find someone else to hook up with. Your best friend was staring at you with an excited look, desperately wanting to help you out with your dating life. "Alright, fine." You sighed, giving into him. "You can tell him to go for it." You chuckled and continued eating your food. So, friday night was going to be a very interesting one, to say the least. You had no idea what to expect but you couldn't say that you weren't looking forward to it. You definitely needed a good party, some booze and maybe even some sex.          

[to be continued]

[mommamouf]

Major vent

Ok on some serious shit.

Me and my mother got into it BAD yesterday. I still have a lot of emotions from a lot of situations buried that I truly don’t want to address and here’s why.

She picks me up from work. I have a pretty great day at work. Then she starts complaining and I snapped. I always warn ppl ahead of time though. Do not start certain conversations with me if you aren’t ready to have them.

What that means is, if you’re not going to have an open mind and heart. Drop it. If you’re going to talk over me and not listen. Drop it. If you won’t speak honestly and clearly. DROP IT. But I’m always pushed into having these conversations because ppl think their right and I’m stupid.

Anywho we’re going at it and I mentioned how I was raped by my bd. (Side note: I never told my mom about it until a few years ago. It happens my senior year of highschool. She never knew how this relationship started with me and my bd she just knew one day I said this was my boyfriend. I didn’t tell her what happened until my daughter was 5 and we were being forced out of his house. This came up because me Nd my daughter were staying with my bd, me and him got into it. I got upset and I mentioned it after that his mom showed up and said we had 3 days to get out)

My moms response was “how did u get raped? You had a boy over who wasn’t supposed to be there.”

That fucked me up. So I’m like why tf does the how matter and she’s goes “when did you tell me”

YEARS LATER AFTER I CAME TO ACCEPTING WHAT HAPPENED AFTER making morbid jokes with my males friends and finally talking about it with my bd. Who never denied it. He just kicked us out because of it.

😤 so currently me and my mother aren’t speaking. She can act all tough and like she’s the big bad mom with no regret but some real shit was said in that conversation and I definitely broke down afterwards so I know she feels bad. And now I’m twice ass upset because I feel bad that I made her feel bad. I love my momma and I know she loves me but sometimes she can be really fucked up and she’s not the apologizing type. Or the comforting type. Not with me anyways. We’ve had this conversation maybe two and a half times and at no point have I ever been able to tell my MOM how that shit really made and makes me feel. My own mother. I just keep stuffing it back down hoping it goes away.

Forreal the last 8 years have been, complicated to say the least and it leaves me confused and unsure of myself.

I fell in love with a boy who didn’t love me back

Tried to move on and got raped because I was “trying to be nice” it doesn’t make sense to anyone because I had sex with him afterwards and he bacame my bf. Because I went to my ex for some clarity and he “didn’t understand” but at the time really just ignored the situation and didn’t want to be bothered with my emotions. I didn’t tell my mom because I was afraid she’d blame me 🤣and she did. So I just said fuck it. At least I wasn’t dragged in an alley and beat then raped, right. I got over it. I didn’t think I was traumatized or that it even affected me. Later on that same person got me pregnant, lied, then ran away. All the while talking shit and lying about me. So his family was under the impression that I was a lying hoe who was trying to get him to raise a baby that wasn’t his. Oh and let’s not forget that in between this I get my ex involved in the situation because I needed an emotional anchor. The ex who verbally and emotionally abused me, ignored me and also talked shit and lied to ppl about me and was living with a girl he had only dating for a month. The same girl that he told I might be pregnant by him (even longer story) just so he could get out of his relationship. When we had agreed not to tell anyone until we were sure. The same person who PROMISED he’d be here for my child, OUR child whether she was his or not. He made these promises before he became a possibility. The same person who choked me out because he was upset that I came to his home when HE INVITED ME OVER. We fought. He fucked up my back. Came in and out of my life. In and out of my daughters life. Also at this time I’m still arguing with my mother and sister everyday. EVERYDAY! During my pregnancy and after. And let’s not forget that during my pregnancy my circle fell completely apart. I lost close friends, my best friend and my favorite cousin started dating then got mad at me and ignored me thru the rest of my pregnancy and beginning months of my daughters life. Back to her father who also wanted to play a twisted game of double Dutch hopping in and out for her life for the first four years. Then finally sticking around for 2 years just to suddenly one day decide that being a father just wasn’t something he could do anymore. Even though I had to go thru the drama of his family bashing me publicly on the internet. And accusing me of all kinds of bullshit just so he wouldn’t be blamed. HASNT BEEN BLAMED FOR ANNNNYYY OF IT. Oh but what I can be fully 100% blamed for is not taking the best man I’ve ever had in my life and running away. He wasn’t just good with my daughter, he cared about her as well. He cared about me. We had the same weird interest, he made me laugh, he was tall, the perfect amount of cute and just flat out PERFECT. And what did I do? FUCK IT UP FOR A NIGGA THATS STILL PLAYING MF GAMES to this very gotdamn day. Why did I fuck it up? To put it simply I’m a dumb bitch.

So yeah you know what ALL of it is my fault because I’m a dumbass bitch.

But that’s just the quick version. One of these days I’ll write a book about it and name it. SHIT NOT TO DO !

But I take all of these emotions stuff them down. Remember that I am alive, healthy, and I am the creator of my own happiness. So I throw on my smile that has been damaged but still shines just as bright. I’m always willing to forgive and be forgiven. And I get back to being my goofy weird ass self. The only downside is that I drink a lot but even still that’s MY problem.

Plus there are those that have been thru worse so I’m good. I’ll make it thru.

[queennicoleinboots]

Where's Peter?, Part 1

Peter was nowhere to be found. He legitimately went away for the night. Godiva was slightly concerned about his whereabouts, but she understood completely that Peter just wanted to be left the fuck alone.

As for Ted the Alligator and I, we were a different story. Ted the Alligator understood that Peter had enough, but he wanted to troll his owner hard.

"Let's find Peter and troll the fuck out of him," Ted the Alligator said with a smile.

"I agree. My life wouldn't be complete unless I were trolling the fuck out of Peter!" I said with heightened enthusiasm.

Ted the Alligator dug in the yard where Peter buried his cell phone yesterday.

I laughed and grabbed the cell phone out of the ground, brushed it off, and turned it on. I put the damn thing in my pocket.

After I called Crank Yankers on his cell phone, Ted the Alligator and I set out to find that curly-haired missing person. We laughed our heads off as we walked down the neighborhood.

"Once we find him, how do you think he is going to react?" I asked Ted the Alligator.

"I'm sure he is going to be a mix of confused, shocked, and angry," Ted the Alligator said with a laugh.

I cracked up. "Yeah! He reacted the same way to a Rick Roll," I said.

"What's a Rick Roll?" Ted the Alligator asked.

"It's a prank when you send someone an unmarked web address that leads to a video of a Rick Astley song, especially 'Never Going to Give You Up.' It causes mental anguish to most people. This prank has been around for almost 20 years," I said.

"The song has been around for almost 40 years," Ted the Alligator said with a chuckle.

"Yeah really! Still the best troll song ever. I should sing that song when I see Peter," I said.

"Not a good idea," Ted the Alligator said.

"I know! That's why I'm doing it," I said.

Ted the Alligator and I chatted as we walked around the neighborhood and mentally-scarred anyone who was nearby. Causing mental distress is what Ted the Alligator and I do best.

Someone called Peter's phone, and I answered. "Hello?!"

A man with George Carlin's voice started talking on Peter's voice, "IN THE BULLSHIT DEPARTMENT, IN THE BULLSHIT DEPARTMENT, NO ONE CAN HOLD A CANDLE TO A CLERGYMAN!"

I cracked up and put that shit on speaker.

"Oh God, what is going on?" Ted laughed.

"THERE'S AN INVISIBLE MAN IN THE SKY WHO WATCHES EVERYTHING YOU DO EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY!!! AND HE HAS A SPECIAL LIST OF 10 THINGS HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO DO! And if you do any of these things, he has a special place full of smoke, fire, anguish, and torture where you will scream, choke, burn, AND cry! But he loves you!" the voice that sounded like George Carlin said.

Ted the Alligator and I chuckled at the voice as the people stared at us in confusion and horror.

"You want to talk about a good bullshit story, HOLY SHIT!!!" the voice that sounded like George Carlin said before the phone hung up.

Ted the Alligator and I cracked the fuck up before we saw a curly-haired, super tall man who wore a new pair of glasses and wore a red and white striped shirt, a red and white snowcap with a red ball on top, and a pair of American jeans. The new glasses had black thick circular-framed rims. His normally shaggy goatie was groomed to the point where it looked like barely existed.

"We found Waldo," I said to Ted the Alligator as I hid his cell phone in my pocket.

Ted the Alligator cracked up. "No, that's Peter," he said.

"No, no. He looks like Waldo from Where's Waldo..." I said as Ted the Alligator tilted his head in further confusion. "Nevermind. It's an obscure cultural reference."

Ted and I walked over to the large cardboard box where an empty glass was sitting outside. I knocked on the box.

The tall man emerged from the box and knocked on my head.

I started to sing. "You're no stranger to loooove. You know the rules, and so do IIIII..."

Peter knocked on my head harder. "Ugggghhhhh!!! I hate Rick ASSley!!! What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be cleaning my parents' house? Did Paul move in yet?" he asked.

"1.) Ted and I need to troll you, or we will die. 2.) Yes, but I can't live without trolling you. I would die. 3.) Not that I know of," I answered before Peter's cell phone rang.

Peter scowled at me before he presented his open palm to me. "Why did you bring that thing to life?" he asked.

"For whatever bullshit will happen to you," I said as I handed the phone to him.

Peter answered the phone, "Hello?!"

"IF YOU LOOK AROUND, THERE ARE SOME DUMB MOTHER FUCKERS IN THIS COUNTRY!!!!" the voice that sounded like George Carlin spoke through his phone.

Peter laughed. "Yeah, I agree," he said with a severe chuckle as he put the phone on speaker.

"THEY THINK IT'S JUST FUCKIN' DANDY TO HAVE A COAST TO COAST SHOPPING MALL. IF YOU WERE SELLING FRIED RACCOON ASSHOLES, PEOPLE WOULD BUY THEM!!!!" the voice that sounded like George Carlin screamed.

Peter, Ted the Alligator, and I cracked the fuck up.

"WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE TWO PEOPLE, YOU HAVE TO WONDER... DO THESE PEOPLE FUCK?!" the voice that sounded like George Carlin screamed.

Peter was rolling on the floor laughing.

"THE AMERICAN PAST TIME IS CONSUMING, NOT BASEBALL!!!" the voice that sounded like George Carlin screamed.

"True," Peter said with a chuckle. Ted the Alligator and I nodded.

"Politicians hide behind three things: the flag, the Bible, and children," the voice that sounded like George Carlin said.

Peter shook his head and laughed. "I vote Democrat. Fuck it," he said.

Ted the Alligator said, "I vote Republican because everyone else in this fucking town does."

"I stay at home during Election Day. Fuck it," I said.

"THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. At all! At all! At all!!" the voice that sounded like George Carlin yelled before he hung up.

Peter laughed hysterically. "That was the most amazing phone call ever. Haha," he said.

I laughed before my phone rang. It was Joebear.

"Bae Whuhhh!!!!" I yelled.

"When was the last time you slept?!" he asked before he growled.

"Yesterday?" I asked.

"That's not enough rest!!! Tell these people you can't do morning and bright and early afternoons! You need your rest! I worry about you," Joebear said before he added an epic bear growl.

"I heard a growl. What the fuck is going on?" Peter asked.

I put my phone on speaker. "You either go early and come home earlier or you go in later! This shit isn't working. If you get sick again, I'm hibernating. I ain't going through this cycle for months on end EVER AGAIN!!!! You're not 20 anymore! You're getting older. I'm getting older! We can't fucking do this anymore!!!!" Joebear yelled as he growled at me.

Peter laughed. "Wow," he said with a chuckle.

"I wouldn't be talking about this shit if I didn't care about you. If I were an asshole, I would say 'Don't sleep. It's okay to work from noon to 5 a.m.!' Ah hue hue!!!" Joebear continued to rant.

"I know, Bae. I love you, Bae. Thank you, Bae. Easy, Bae. I'm trying," I said.

Peter was Mr. Chuckles the Clown while Joebear was ranting.

"What the fuck are you doing? Do you and Colonel America fight crime at night and not tell me or what?! Why the fuck does it take you so long to finish your day?! When the fuck are you supposed to sleep?!" Joebear ranted. He was in bear form today.

"Yes, Bae, we fight crime. I found Peter in a cardboard box on some random street. Colonel America and I post videos about the truth of this world. We also shit on government sidewalks," I said.

"That's fucked up. I have taken a few shits on government sidewalks and buildings myself. I write comments on the dark web. What's your point? I don't want to talk about this retarded shit with you. I want to be pleasant and talk about pleasant things, not this retarded shit," Joebear said.

"Peter is wearing a Where's Waldo outfit," I said.

"That's fucked up, Bae!" Joebear said before he growled.

Peter shrugged. "Sorry..." he said as he shifted his eyes.

"I hate Where's Waldo. I can never find his ass," Joebear said with a growl.

Peter and I laughed. Ted the Alligator flipped out and asked, "WHO THE FUCK IS WALDO?!"

"Waldo is a French asshole who wears a red and white striped shirt and a red and white cap with jeans. He hides in a group of fucking goofy-looking people because HE'S AN ASSHOLE!!!" Joebear yelled before a growl.

"Oh God he sounds like a complete douche," Ted the Alligator said.

"He is! When I had a Where's Waldo book, I said 'Fuck this' and threw the book across the room," Joebear said with a growl.

Peter and I cracked up.

Peter's phone rang again. "What the hell?! Again?! My phone is worse than ever!!!!" he screamed.

I laughed. "I gotta go, Bae. Peter is having a meltdown," I said.

"That asshole has a meltdown every fucking day," Joebear said with a growl. "I love to hear your beautiful voice. I'm sorry. I'm fucked up right now. After I pay rent, I'm going to bed. Fuck it."

"He does truly. It's goddamn hilarious! Haha. I love you, Bae Whuhhh!!! Thank you, Bae. Get rest, you sexy Beast," I said.

Joebear growled before he hung up.

"What, Dad?" Peter said as he folded his arms over his chest and sighed. "... Yes, Dad, I'm in a cardboard box away from society... No, Dad, I'm not going to have a full-blown mental breakdown... Sigh. Dad, I... Ugh... Yeah, I'll be home soon... I know you want to go back to bed..." Peter rolled his eyes and mouthed, "Jesus Christ!!!"

Ted the Alligator shook his head and pawed at Peter's jeans.

"Dad Dad Dad!!! I'll be home soon calm the f-... Yes, I know you're in pain... You can't help it..." Peter said as he had a look of disgust on his face. Peter picked up his cardboard box, bottles of water, and his empty glass.

We were walking back to the Parker residence.

"Dad, I'm walking. I need to think... Love you, too. Uh huh bye!" Peter said as he hung up the phone. He sighed and just walked. "Why do you torture me?" he asked us.

"Because we hate you," we said with smiles on our faces.

My phone rang again. Joebear needed to talk to me again.

"Bae WHUHhhhh!!!!" I yelled.

"Oh my God! Fucking hate game designers. They do have the dumbest ideas. Why are they making me do this dumb quest!" Joebear started to rant.

I put the phone on speaker and started laughing.

"Wow!!!! Can I fucking move? Where is he? Quit running. What did I blow up from? Why am I dizzy? OH MY FUCKING GOD! Fuck Capcom! What a fucking waste! Shitty attacks!!! I'm poisoned forever. Guess I'm gonna die. Can't use antidode! Why?! I don't want to do this mission again. Goddammit!!!" Joebear continued to rant as shit slammed in the background.

I cracked up and fell on the ground. Joebear was talking about Monster Hunter.

Peter looked over at me and smiled. He wanted to laugh. Ted poked me with his claw.

"OH my gaaaaaaddd! I'm dizzy and poisoned. What The Fuck did they do to this quest?! This is so goddamn stupid. Get the fuck of my nuts!!!! Woooooowwww!!! Return to base? I died to poison! What a shitty fucking quest! What? 41 minutes of this shit. For what? For nothing. I don't want to do this quest. I'm serious. Geralt is a fucking homo. He ruins every game he is in. Faggot. I don't want to remember this dumb shit!!!! Get the fuck out of here. Not my fault your parents are fucking assholes!!!" Joebear continued to rant.

Peter couldn't help but chuckle. "He sounds like me when I'm angry... Apparently, I am angry every day. Ha ha," he said.

Ted the Alligator laughed.

"I'm serious! It's like naming your kid Dick, Clitoria, or KIEL as in K-I-E-L. Sounds like a gay mother fucker! If I met anyone with any those names, I would like a 20-foot running start to JACK THESE MOTHER FUCKERS!" Joebear kept ranting.

I chuckled before I got off the ground. Peter, Ted the Alligator, and I continued to walk.

"Wouldn't it just be easier to throw your arm back before you punch someone instead of running?" Peter asked while he scratched his chin.

"Not dramatic enough," Joebear said flatly.

Peter chuckled. "I don't know," he said.

"Haha. I LOVE YOU, BAE!!!" I yelled over the phone. "BAEBAE!!!!!"

"BAEBAE!!!!" Ted the Alligator sang with me.

"Anyway, enough of that. I'm done with that bullshit. I'm going to watch YouTube," Joebear said with a yawn.

"Okay BuhBuh Huhhhhhh!!!!! Get some rest!!!" I sang.

"BuhBuh Huhhhhhh!!!!" Ted the Alligator sang.

"I can't do that alligator. Lol," Joebear said with a chuckle.

Ted the Alligator growled. Peter laughed. I made a dolphin noise. We were still walking.

"You guys are fucked up. I'll talk to you later," Joebear said as he yawned. "Oh shit."

"GO LAY DOWN!!!!" I yelled.

Joebear hung up.

"Good Lord! Our phones have been off the hook today!" Peter said as he threw his arms in the air out of mental anguish.

"No kidding," I said as I laughed and shook my head.

My phone rang again. Colonel America wanted something again.

"Jesus Christ! My phone won't stop. Why?" I said before answering the phone and putting it on speaker. "I found Waldo."

Peter chuckled softly.

"What the fuck? How?" Colonel America asked.

"He was in a cardboard box with a glass of water," I said.

Peter drank from a bottle of water. Ted jumped up and pawed Peter softly. Peter poured some water in Ted's mouth.

"Oh God so Waldo is homeless?" Colonel America asked.

"I wish," Peter said. "But I have to go home and deal with a bunch of bullshit."

"So the "W" in your middle initial stands for Waldo? What the fuck is going on?" Colonel America asked. Murphee barked in the background for added effect.

"No, no. It stands for Wallace. I just happen to be dressed like Waldo because why the fuck not?" Peter said.

There was an awkward pause between Colonel America and us.

"What universe did I walk into? Anyway, I called because the Georgia Congress Center is repaired from the damage the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man did to the wall over a week ago," Colonel America said.

We all laughed.