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elles-writing · 4 years ago

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When The Worlds Collide - VI

Kili x reader

A/N: Hey guys, sorry for not posting my own works in like two weeks or so. It was rough for my mental health and school was kicking my ass and I was not in a mood for doing many things, so now I hope you will like this long chapter!! It’s not really about the main plot, just some fluffy moments to enjoy. Also, it was my birthday 23rd September and it’s finally autumn!! I also don’t really know when am I going to draw, because like I said, I was not doing mentally well, but I think I could give it a shot in a next few days, because I’m on my autumn break, finally! I’ve been finishing a cake w my mom in past hour or so and I created a moon on it and waves in Gogh’s paintings style, I’ll show you a photo of it in next part.

gif not mine

gif not mine (inspo for the bun and cooking scene)

Also, I’m not sure in which year in modern world this shall be oriented, but songs I’ve been thinking of (aka you playing these to them):

Spanish: Volar – Alvaro Soler, also We Don’t Speak Americano

French: Amour Plastique – VIDEOCLUB, La Vie En Rose – Edith Piaf

Korean: Sweat, Blood & Tears – BTS (because I don’t know almost any Japanese songs, but I like this one and some other songs in Korean)

Vegetable pie – quiche (I’ve had a pumpkin one in a cafe and it was real good)

Warnings: fluff

tags: @moony-artnstuff @whenputtingpentopaper

One of the fun things while having this group around was that they would constantly look around some rooms in your house and tell you how pretty it was, even if you haven't been tidying and cleaning it in two weeks at least. They also loved to explore your library and spended countless hours by reading the books. You've decided to introduce them to human culture. Only the basic things, really.

"So, here, the race of Men has developed into a different coultures and languages all over the world. Can you guess, for example, how many languages is here?" Kili didn't even thought about his answer.

"Well, you have one common language, so I guess just one, maybe two or three," He said with proud confident smile, changing in his typical cheeky grin as he winked at you. You chuckled and shook your head. Balin looked up from his book.

"There must be more. What about five, or ten?" You looked over others.

"Any other answer? C'mon, try out some number." You felt like a teacher in a class of many different students.

"Thirty languages, that could be," said Legolas calmly.

"Well, this is much bigger world, but it can't be that much. I guess twenty." Bard was thinking aloud.

"So, how is it, lass?" Fili asked and you couldn't help to cover a smile that was forming on your face.

"Well, actually, it's much more than that," you said. You've heard Gandalf to chuckle.

"It's over six thousand languages." Kili's eyes widened and his jaw fell down, Fili did pretty similar face. Most of them looked at you as if you'd told them you personally know Smaug and he's your best friend. And that dragons are the biggest cuddly softies.

"Bold of you to assume that whole population in this world speaks one language or a few dozens of them," you jokily murmed to yourself. Of course, elvish ears have picked that up. Thranduil looked at you with his icy glare.

„How does they sound, then?“ You pulled out your phone and opened YouTube.

„Well, this is a language called Spanish,“ You‘ve played one song in Spanish and all of them were listening to it, deeply in thought. You’ve noticed some dwarves trying to catch the lyrics, and when the song ended, you looked over them.

„This was Spanish, it’s one of the most largely-spoken languages all over the world. It can be slightely different, it depends on where you go. Then, there is another language, and it’s called French. It’s also called the ‚language of love‘, because it sounds softly and even as some sort of charm or magic.“ You looked to the elves.

„I think you may like it, it sounds a bit as an elvish in a way,“ You shrugged your shoulders, not wanting to offend them. They looked more interested in what you were about to play to them.

„This song is in French, but it’s a sad song. It’s also quite old, but I think it’s quite a good example, because it’s well-known, so,“ you left the sentence unfinished and played La Vie En Rose by Edith Piaf, then one more modern song in French so they’d get the idea. When it ended, you’ve spoken again.

„Well, then there are much different languages. This one is Korean,“ you said and played a song, around fourty seconds.

„What were they saying? It’s all so different!“ You’ve heard Fili and smirked.

„You haven’t heard Russian, Fili.“ Kili sat closer to you, just as a puppy needy for attention.

„They are all so different!“ He threw his hands into air. You smiled.

„Oh yeah, they are. But it’s better to know at least two languages, to get higher chances of getting a job. The more languages you know, the more likely will people want you to work for them.“ Bard piped up.

„How can you learn them? Some of them sound way too difficult to learn, that Korean for example, how would you learned that?“ You looked over to your library.

„Oh well, you can go to some classes and learn the language here, or you can learn them by yourself. There are many textbooks you can use for learning grammar, and you can use books in your target language to help you to learn the vocabulary. Or you can watch movies in that language, listen to a songs, read articles instead of books, text or call with somebody who speaks that language...there are plenty of ways to do so, there is probably even more of them. Also, depends on the language and the person. Some people learn easier when they’ll learn the basic grammar first, someone needs to learn the pronounciation first, and so on.“ You finished talking and they were staring at you, surprised.

„How many languages do you know, if I may ask?“ Balin looked curiously down at you, sitting with crossed legs on the floor with Kili sitting next to you. You’ve thought about his question.

„Well, I’m fluent in two languages, and I’m learning another one. It’s a great way to relieve stress and it’s really fun thing to do, even though sometimes you have to learn to write completely different letters.“ You showed them Koren, Japanese and Russian letters, and they couldn’t believe their eyes.

A few minutes later

Fili sat down to the other side, so you were seated between them and they could look on your phone and into your book about Korea and Japan.

„How can you write that? How can you read that? It’s impossible! It all sounds the same!“ Kili and Fili cried out when Google Translate pronounciation have proved them wrong after another attempt of reading the languages.

„Every language has it’s own rhytm and you have to really listen to it, so you will recognize the words. If you don’t know the languages, it does sound close. Maybe we could try out some French and Spanish, what do you think?“ You said after seeing the elves being annoyed that they could not pronounce it, but not complaining as the dwarf brothers.

But oh boy, French and Spanish, that was another challenge. Even if not that big, but still.

„How do you do that with your mouth?!“ Kili asked you, looking as unhappy, flustrated puppy whom you took it’s ball and refused to give it back (or throw it).

„There are some rules for something called grammar and pronounciation, which you are purposely ignoring and then you complain you don’t understand how to do it!“ You said and rolled your eyes.

„You always tell me it’s wrong!“

„Because it is! You are pronouncing it wrong! It’s leviOUsa, not levioSAAA-!“ You stopped and then you started laughing. Kili furrowed his eyebrows.

„What, what are you laughing about? What is so funny? Y/N? Y/N, are you okay?!“ Kili looked at you, lying on your back on the floor, tears from laugh sparkling in your eyes.

„I sound-I sound just like a Hermione! It’s not LevioSAA-“ You started laughing again and they all looked at you worried.

„Shall we be concerned?“ Fili asked and you shook your head.

„No, no, it’s okay, I just-“ You looked at Kili and tried to not to laugh again.

„I’m okay, it’s okay.“ You breathed in and out, slowly, closing your eyes. You didn’t noticed how most of them looked at each other. As if they’d ended up with some crazy person.

You spoken.

„Okay, I think that was enough of languages for today. I know you have Khuzdul, Elvish and common language in Middle-Earth, but here is much more. Human culture in here has been developing for thounsands of years on many different places, so that’s why.“ You said and got up to your laptop to find some pictures of a certain places. They all came closer.

„Well, this is Rome, in Italy. Then, we have Paris, in France, now some Scandinavian countries. This is Stockholm, Sweden. Then, there is London, Great Britain. Now, this is Los Angeles and New York, that’s both in United States. This is in Japan and this is in Australia.“ You showed them well-known places all over the world and especially Europe, since you assumed it was the closest to Middle-Earth style of living.

After a while, you’ve decided to make some dinner. It wasn’t too much left, and you knew you’d have to go shopping soon, but you didn’t wanted to stress yourself about leaving some fictional characters alone in your house for an hour. No. You prepared a recipe and ingredients and started making dough and left them in living room with another pile of books. They especially loved classics, because they had similar language to what they were using, but they liked even more modern books. You didn’t even counted the time you were thanking yourself for collecting books and being a bookworm. And being a „public library“, as you and your friend would say.

Meanwhile, Kili looked up from his book to Fili, whom was reading one book series and seemed to like it, but now his brows was furrowed as if trying to solve some problem that came up. He quietly closed it and noticed you weren’t here with them, so he‘ve decided to find you and maybe talk with you about the book he was currently reading.

The first place, where he’ve decided to take a look to, was kitchen. He stood in the doorway, more to the side so you wouldn’t noticed him right away, but you seemed to be deeply in thought and mentally far away.

You were making a dough, with your hair up in a messy bun, your apron had quite a lot of flour on it, some flour ended up on your face and especially on your cheeks and up to elbows your hands were covered in it, even in your hair was a flour, but you didn’t seemed to mind it here. Next to you, there was a bowl of some cutted vegetables and a smaller bowl of cheese and a few eggs, some spices and herbs.

He didn’t noticed when you‘ve looked up as his memory flew back to his mother back in their old home in Middle-Earth in the kitchen cooking and his and Fili’s failed attempts they called cooking. They were much better at cooking from mud and twiggs than from real food. He imagined his mother and you in that kitchen and that you’d both tell him to get out from the kitchen and he’d sneak in afterwards to steal some piece of pie or cookies or sweet pasteries to prepare for you and him a picnic under the stars...

„Are you going to stand here and stare at me while I’m cooking?“ You placed your hands on your hips and a smile was dancing across your face. Kili’s head snapped and his cheeks blushed.

„I, uh, I wanted to talk with you about this book, I think it’s a good one.“ You came back to your dough and started working on it, again.

„Well, what books is it?“ You looked at the book he was holding.

"Oh, so The Picture of Dorian Gray. How do you like it so far?“ Kili looked at the book in his hands as if it could answer instead of him. He didn’t wanted to embarrass himself in front of you.

„Well, I...uh...it’s-it’s interesting and-“ You softly chuckled and his head snapped up.

„You can sit by the table rather than to stand in the doorway, Kee. Or you can help me out.“ You clapped your hands and big cloud of flour appeared in the air. A cheeky grin found a way to his face.

„Oh, so you would risk cooking with me, miss Y/N?“ You grinned back at him.

„Well, maybe. And still, you can sit down and talk about the book, I’ll listen to you.“ You said and a soft chuckle escaped your lips when you’ve seen how eager he was to sit near you, somebody whom was ready to listen to him.

„Tell me what you honestly think of that book, Kili. I won’t get offended or anything.“ You smiled at him and you’ve seen his eyes to shine as he spoke and when you were talking about all the characters and the storyline from different points of view, but that didn’t lasted long, because...food.

„What are you cooking?“ Kili asked curiously as he’ve checked the dough you were doing, the vegetables, spices and herbs.

„I’m baking a pie with vegetables and cheese, Kee.“ He scrunched his face and furrowed eyebrows.

„Why would you bake it with vegetables? Pies are sweet, aren’t they?“ He looked up at you with his questioning soft brown eyes and you’ve melted once again. You sighed and started explaining.

„Well, they are, but this type of pie is made with vegetables and cheese and eggs. It tastes good, I promise. It’s something like a pizza, but...well, it’s just a bit different, but good too!“ You said and he nodded, remembering that you baked a pizza a few days ago. Then he was standing next to you, looking sleepishly down at it.

„Put your hair out of the way, Kili, or they will end up in it. And that would not be good.“ You said, pulled out a hair-tie from the pocket of your apron, and created a messy bun out of his hair. You’ve realized that touching someone’s hair is (well, at least in the movies and books) intimate for dwarves, so you felt your face to heat up in embarrassement. You realized that it was probably true when Kili was suddenly stiff and his ears became red.

„Oh, I didn’t realized, I’m sorry-“ He cutted you off.

„It’s okay,“ You noticed he was sleepishly looking at you, but there was a twinkle in his eyes telling you he was not mad at you. (As if he could be possibly actually mad at somebody, you thought.) You shyly looked away.

„I, uh, wanna help me out?“ You looked down at floor, suddenly too embarrassed to look at him, so you didn’t noticed how his eyes widened in surprise.

„Y-you would let me to cook?!“ His voice came out as high-pitched and you glanced at him. His eyes were set on you, he was clearly surprised and excited.

„I will keep an eye on you, but yes, at some point I will.“ You said a bit hesitantely. He looked a bit concerned, but excitement overtook him. You handed him an apron. Yours was dark blue with little stars on it, this one was creamy with brown fabric around the edges. You helped him to put it on and stepped a bit away, hands on your hips and slightely narrowed eyes.

„Yeah, that’s good. But we need to do something with your bangs,“ You said and pulled out a few hair clips and bobby pins in more sizes from pocket of your apron. You went through them and then slightely nodded, chose a few of them and the rest gave back. You looked up to Kili.

„This will help to hold all of your hair out of your face,“ you said and he took them and suspiciously glanced at them. You sighed and rolled playfully your eyes. You took one of your pocket, took a strand of hair that escaped to your bun and inhaled.

„That’s how to do it. It’s not like it will bite you.“ You said, clasped the strand to it’s place, placing your hands on your hips and rising your eyebrow. He grinned and winked at you.

„Okay, let’s get the pie done!“ You quickly said, trying to cover your rising blush.

You broke the eggs into the bowl with vegetables and let Kili to put the herbs into it, but you added spices and heavy cream into it.

„Now, mix it-carefully, so it won’t end up on the floor and stay in the bowl-and then carefully pour it onto the dough,“ you motioned to the prepared dough on pie dish. Kili, when he calmed down (which almost didn’t happened, he seemed to be excited somebody trusted him enough to let him to kitchen to do something else than just eat, drink or sneak in for food), was a quick learner. You placed the pie to oven and let it to bake. You leaned against the counter and with a huff you wiped off your forehead.

„I think it’s time to get cleaned up,“ you sighed, your eyes falling shut. Kili nodded, but it seemed something on your face cought his attention. He came closer, he was close enough for you to see his soft gaze filled with concern and his brows slightely scrunched, him being concentrated.

„You have...a bit of flour left here...“ he said and his thumb runned across your cheek. You slighely flinched on that sudden contact. Your eyes met his and you’ve seen in his gaze he was thinking about something. His touch was sending shivers down your spine. You slightely opened your mouth, but closed it again, not wanting to ruin the moment. His eyes had a sparks in them, but he looked more nervous than cheeky and confident this time.

You couldn’t help but looked quickly on his lips and back to his eyes. It was only you two now, as if the whole world disappeared. You were holding your breath, nervous what was about to happen.

„I-,“ Kili whispered and you felt his breath on your lips. He was looking deep into your e/c eyes, thinking about how beautiful they were and how close he was. He could kiss you, your lips were just a few inches away, and he’d lie if he said he have never, at least once thought about how it would felt like to kiss you, at least once, since he met you.

„Kili, where are you?!“ You both flinched, quickly parted and looked away. You’ve heard Kili groaning as his older brother appeared in the doorway.

„You need to read this series Kee-wait-“ he slightely frowned, looking at his brother more properly.

„You were...cooking?“ You nervously smiled.

„Uhm, yeah, I was making a dinner and, uhm, Kili was helping me out,“ You said.

„Kili, you can go clean up, I will clean here a bit,“ You didn’t gave him a place for an answer when you pushed him to go to Fili. When a door fell after them, you sat down on the floor and thought about that moment you almost kissed. And then Fili came in, you thought and groaned. He was definetely keeping an eye on his brother.

#kili x reader #kili #the hobbit #fanfiction #fili #fluff

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galactic-pirates · 3 years ago

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Fandom WIP Status Update

I’m feeling crappy so I’m going to write a list rather than accomplish anything. I know that’s not helpful but ehhh.

Fics Ready to Post: - The Tragic Tail (Sanctuary MerMay, waiting on illustration drawing) - and the Guardian’s Dilemma (Librarians prompt month, posting July 5th) - and the Brighter Side of Life (Librarians prompt month, posting July 10th) - and the Outsiders (Librarians prompt month, posting July 23rd)

WIP Fics:

and the Sins of Atlantis Crossover between The Librarians and Sanctuary (with a side of Stargate lore). Including 11 of the prompts for Librarians prompt month. Current status: 23, 638 words written. It’s probably about half done. Tentative due date July 2nd, although chapter one doesn’t include that prompt so I’m not certain about whether I should post then or not.

Gentlemen of Blood Sanctuary fic. An AU look at the Adam Worth affair in 1909 because “he has people everywhere” had such energy I needed to run with it. Current status: 6,365 words written. Nowhere near done. It has just begun really. I would like to finish this by the end of the month, as technically it’s for the June WriYe challenge, but we’ll see. So long as I get 15k done on it, then I win the challenge.

Untitled DOSA oneshot For Librarians prompt month (due July 26th). This has been planned and I’ve started it. If I can stop making this list, and actually do something, I might even finish this today. I’m not intending it to be that long (famous last words I know).

Untitled Finding/not finding Flynn oneshot Also for Librarians prompt month (due July 14th). This is going to be one of those either/or fics with two chapters. First one is what happened in canon, and the consequences of them not looking for him, and the second chapter is the AU but what if they did? This has been planned but not started.

Time Will Tell Sanctuary soulmate AU. This has been planned and I’ve written the opening scenes but I don’t have anything more than that. I’m hoping I’ll get to work on this next month but it depends on and the Sins of Atlantis/Gentlemen of Blood as I will finish those first.

Shadow Play I bet you thought I forgot this one. This was on the list long before any of the others. It’s my technically canon-compliant colour between the lines fanfic for Sanctuary season four. I have a lot of notes but no real plan, and one written scene at the moment. I think this is one that will happen when I eventually stop adding other things to the list. It’s just too easier to keep pushing this one on. One day TM.

WIP Art

Flynn + LiT bonding Pencil drawing For Librarians prompt month. Due July 9th. Started when I didn’t have a computer and I’ve got so discouraged I haven’t poked at it in weeks. I need to just focus and finish this. Aiming to do that next week.

The Tragic Tail illustration Digital drawing. I’ve done the basic line art, I now just need to colour and blend. Ideally I’d like to do this next week too but we’ll see. The Librarians art has actual deadlines, this has been drifting for a while now, so it could go a bit longer if necessary. I don’t like that, so hopefully that’ll push me to dig deep and get it done.

Cassandra and Lamia drawing For Librarians prompt month (to accompany the fic and the Outsiders due on July 23rd) I started this on the iPad in Procreate and it did not go well. I think I’ll start from scratch on the PC. I’m intending to do the other two drawings first (or at least the Flynn + LiT bonding one) so this won’t be tackled until the start of next month.

WIP Gifsets - Sanctuary OT3 gifset I started pre-losing PC - Librarians OT3 gifset (Librarians prompt month, due July 25th) - graphics to accompany and the Guardian’s Dilemma (due July 5th) - graphics to accompany and the Brighter Side of Life (due July 10th) - graphics for and the Sins of Atlantis (due sometime July) - graphics for Gentlemen of Blood - graphics for Untitled DOSA oneshot (due July 26th) - graphics for Untitled Finding/not finding Flynn (due July 14th)

So TLDR I haven’t posted stuff in forever but stuff is in progress and I will be dropping a fair bit next month.

#Sam talks writing #sam talks art #long post

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badjonesrising · 4 years ago

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Sketchbook Archive: End of July

AUGUST.

I keep forgetting. I forgot to post all these wip photos, and publish my newsletter. This is why blogging and writing and making art is important. It's my way of sorting time. If I lose track of time, the messages get jumbled. The Universe is very eager to make you happy, but if you can't receive or deliver the messages, someone is in trouble. lol

Anyways, I have so many work in progress pictures and I can't post ALL of them so I have to be specific on why these photos matter. Because believe me, I would just rather keep on working and when I get in the zone, it's over- I am having fun! Usually experimenting and seeing what I am comfortable with. I only have this one book right now, for personal use. It's being filled with paper scraps, collage bits, and random words and thoughts. I need to make a blank white one for drawing but let me not get ambitious. I have been working on a junk journal for my online shop but I think I’m finished with that today!

The 23rd was a great little day to make art. I had big ideas and I wasn't sure where I was going. I kept it fun, light. I always admire a lot of anime, manga, and sailorjerry-esque stuff because it's always playful. This blue page is from a Citra-Solv session with my Book Club back at home a while back. We went outside in the park and did big batches of cira-solv papers. I have a few pages left, and I really had been saving this piece for a while. It's awesome just on it's lonesome, so I didn't want to take anything away from that. I always thought it looked like the inside of a pool, or the sky. Those cloud like shapes reminded me of the Sun, which makes me laugh. I am so ridiculous but it turns out so beautiful. I added some pencil and ink on the other side to blend those collage pieces in.

I always am sorting through paper for various things. Papers are SO important to my work, that if I didn't keep the things I liked and kept, I would never make art. I actually wanted to make a video of me just counting and showing everyone what I collected and why. Hell, I would like to know. I’ll probably post tomorrow and the next day so I can catch up— because I cannot wait time post about my junk journal I finished! Happy Sunday!

#badjonesrising #art #mixed media #collage #art journal #sketchbook #artists on tumblr #studio #handmade #paper crafts #bookbinding #junk journal

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ninliane · 5 years ago

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Haikyuu Secret Santa 2019 Gift Exchange!

tadaaa here’s my part for the gift exchange! this is for you alicia ( @bokunotan ) ! you said that you liked dadchi so i give him to u uwu. you know tbh daichi is the one character im not confident in writing in so i had to read a few fanfics to help me sort out his character! (it was mostly @imaginethathaikyuu haha thank you.) please tell me if you want it rewritten alicia! this is my first time writing for daichi but i think i did okay for a first shot haha. also thank you to @supern-a-vengers for hosting this event! anyway i used your name in the fanfic (honestly i love your name so much) so i really hope you enjoy your present :))

also if the title sounds weird its really supposed to sound like that, it’s a title of an old christmas song haha.

merry christmas!

-audrey

-----

the day before the night before christmas (daichi x alicia)

It was the cold winter morning on the 23rd of December; you hadn’t done much except for making breakfast. You thought to get into the Christmas mood you could play some music while you cooked breakfast. It was..nice.

Calm music was playing as you enjoyed cooking, eating your piping hot food to warm you up, and curling on the couch nearby the window as you sketched random thoughts that would pass by your mind: the passing snowflakes, the white and leafless trees, the running water that had yet to be frozen.

....?

‘What on earth..?’ you thought to yourself.

You looked at your notebook in confusion as you cautiously lifted your pencil. It was a face, but its features weren’t quite there yet. Who were you drawing?

That question ran through your mind for the rest of the morning until a vibration from your pocket shook you out of your thoughts.

‘The rest of the third years are going to go to the shrine since it’s almost Christmas, do you want to go?’

Oh? This was strange. Daichi rarely texted you. You read the text over and over again until you came to the conclusion: why not? You quickly put on your winter outfit but as soon as you finished you looked at yourself in the mirror and immediately started over. This went on for a good twenty minutes. Why can’t you decide what to wear? Usually, this would be easy for you..wait why are you even self-conscious? There’s no special reason to look nice is there??

You decided on going with a long unbuttoned beige overcoat. a long-sleeved striped shirt, and cute checkered shirt, long boots, a white scarf and a cute beret to top it off. Twirling around in the mirror you smiled to yourself, “Yeah this looks good.”

—

It seems all that time you spent in front of the mirror cost you. You ran through the crowded shrine, trying to look for your company. “Oh no..I’m not too late are I?” you looked frantically looked around.

“Oh! Daichi Daichi there she is!”

“Where? Oh, I see her!”

“Go go go!”

“Agh- guys stop pushing me! And keep your voice do-“

“Alicia-san!”

You whipped your head as you heard your name called. It belonged to your fellow classmate Sugawara Koshi, linked in his arm was a certain volleyball captain, struggling to stand up. Behind him were two faces you knew well: Kiyoko and Asahi. You smiled at the familiar faces and walked up to them, your coat and scarf gliding in the wind as you walked.

“Hi! Merry Christmas!” you greeting smiling. “Merry Christmas, Alicia-chan.” Kiyoko greeted, as did Sugawara and Asahi. The captain, who had just been standing there frozen, didn’t say anything. His eyes widened at your appearance, simply just, well, staring. You noticed this and your cheeks heated up a bit. “Merry Christmas, Daichi-san.” you said offering a smile. Daichi on the other hand, who was still frozen in awe, had to be hit by Sugawara. ‘Oi, respond you dumbass.’ the vice-captain whispered. “Oh! U-uh Merry Christmas, Alicia-san!” he stuttered which made you laugh. A laugh he oh-so adored.

“This guy is hopeless..” his friend thought. Throughout the day the five of you walked throughout the shrine, getting fortunes and making whishes. As the four of you clapped your hands and closed your eyes, Daichi peeked one eye open, glancing at your as your eyes were tight shut, concentrating on your wish. He smiled and closed his eyes again, deciding to wish for one more thing.

Sunset arrived and the five of you walked down the steps. Kiyoko and Asahi are pulled to the side by Sugawara and you cocked an eyebrow, but soon distracted by it as Daichi approached you. “So, you got any winter plans?” he smiled. You laughed and shrugged, looking at the city glow that began to emit through the dark sky, “Not much, might just stay home and chill.” “Oh, is that so.” you stayed in silence for awhile before he continued. “Hey..if you’re not doing anythi-“

“Daichi, Alicia!” the two of you whipped your heads to Sugawara, who was walking away as he dragged Kiyoko and Asahi with him. “Asahi and Shimizu are gonna head to the restaurant nearby so I’ll join them, see you guys!”

‘Ah..so it’s just the two of us now..’ Daichi looked back to Alicia, “Alicia-san, would you like me to walk you home?” she giggled in response, “That would be nice thank you.”

The sun had now set, and the walk was comfortably quiet until Alicia spoke up, “You know I’m really glad you texted me today, I originally was just gonna stay at home but I really had fun with everyone, especially you!” she teased. Through the cold, Daichi felt his cheeks warm up, “Oh, haha really? I’m glad you accepted!” he’s gonna keep hidden from the fact that it was Suga who stole his phone and texted the message to you as he was too nervous to do it. He chose his words carefully as he mumbled,

“S-so um..”

“Would you like to do this again?” they both spoke at the same time.

The snow fell on their hair as they looked into each other's eyes. “Oh, uhm I mean just the two of us,” Alicia quickly spoke, “..if that’s okay with you?” she made eye contact again. Daichi thought these kinds of stuff only happened in dreams or on TV, he really couldn’t believe what was happening. “Yes, of course! I’d love to!” he earnestly told her. Alicia gave back a warm smile. Daichi leaned into her face,

“Then I’ll pick you up for New Years'.” she felt his hot breath whisper into her ear. Alicia didn’t know what came over her to have asked such a request, but she knew she didn’t regret it. She finally finished the faceless drawing that was in her notebook. She stared at it for a bit before laughing.

“I should probably have him in front of me next time.”

#hqss2019 #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#daichi sawamura #daichi x alicia #gift exchange

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skgway · 5 years ago

Text

1824 Mar., Sat. 6

6 1/4

11 ½

Gave Hotspur oatmeal and water – Finding that I could not see well enough in my dressing room (the kitchen chamber) went downstairs into the drawing room and from 8 10/60 to 10 10/60 writing to Miss MacLean –

Then went to breakfast, resumed my place, and ten minutes before at 11 and in 3 hours more had filled on foolscap sheet, having crammed into it very nearly the whole of Mrs. Best’s letter of 6 ½ letter paper pages, the whole of the copy of the letter from Miss Shepherd to Mr. Bayley (dated 9 November 1815) 5 ½ foolscap pages, and the terms of Miss S– [Shepherd]’s school occupying a considerable space –

Crammed all this into my 3 pages and one end, and filled the other end with miscellaneous matter of my own – Told Miss MacLean this letter had taken me 5 hours writing and that if she knew how much I had on my hands and how busy I was, she would think this no small proof of regard – No small proof of that real, however romantic, feeling which made me consider nothing I could do for her a trouble. “In time, perhaps, you will learn to believe that whatever I say, it is neither more nor so much as I seriously intend to perform, whenever it may be in my power” –

After finishing this letter at 1 50/60, went upstairs and in an hour wrote 3 pages and 2 or 3 lines to Mrs. Best, once meaning to send it along with her papers in a parcel today – but changed my mind, to give me an opportunity of writing to Henrietta Crompton and perhaps to Mr. Duffin –

Sealed up my letter – to Miss Mc.L– [McLean] and at 3 1/4 down the old bank to the post office – put in my letter (to Miss Mc.L– [McLean] 1 Saint Margaret’s Terrace, Cheltenham, Gloucestershire). Called for a few minutes at Northgate to pay for the parcel from Mrs. Best yesterday, staid some time with Mark filling up and levelling the old road part of the paddock and came in to dress for dinner at 4 1/4 –

Mr. W[illiam] Priestley called for a minute (would not get off horseback) to say the magistrates would come view our footpaths on the 23rd instant – Mr. Edward Priestley who was not expected to survive yesterday – in convulsions all Thursday night – rather better –

Sat down to dinner at 4 40/60 – Went upstairs at 6 1/4 – Dawdled above 1/2 hour with I[sabella N[orcliffe – Washed, etc. And from 7 to 8 translated and wrote out chapters 44, 45 (all but the last 4 lines, libro ii Thucydides –

Came down to coffee at 8 5/60 – Read aloud to my uncle and aunt Mrs. Best’s letter and Miss Shepherd’s, etc. Both very well written. Miss Shepherd left at 20 years old with a sickly mother and 8 brothers and sisters to provide for. The estate and successful exertions she made for them are quite astonishing and shame one from making difficulties of anything –

Wrote the whole of the above of today and went up to bed at 10 1/4 p.m., at which hour Barometer 4 1/2 degrees below changeable. Fahrenheit 45°. Very showery day – Tolerably fair all the while I was out, till just at the last – I[sabella] N[orcliffe] just got her walk to Halifax in time to escape the rain – E [three dots] O [no dots, marking discharge] –

#anne lister #isabella norcliffe #sibella maclean #Shibden Hall #Tib at Shibden Hall

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comicteaparty · 5 years ago

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March 23rd-March 29th, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from March 23rd, 2020 to March 29th, 2020. The chat focused on Puppeteer by Eightfish.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Puppeteer by Eightfish~! (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/puppeteer/list?title_no=290620)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace until March 29th, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Discussions are freeform, but we do offer discussion prompts in the pins for those who’d like to have them. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic! Whether you finish the comic or can only read a few pages, everyone is welcome to join and chat with us!

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 1

1. What did you like about the beginning of the comic?

2. What has been your favorite moment in the comic (so far)?

3. Who is your favorite character?

4. Which characters do like seeing interact the most?

5. What is something you like about the art? If you have a favorite illustration, please share it!

6. What is a theme you like that the comic explores?

7. What do you like about the comic’s story or overall related content?

8. Overall, what do you think the comic’s strengths are?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

eli [a winged tale]

Ooh exciting! I’ll try and get to this soon!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Yes yes, I had started reading this last week, want to continue and get in on this convo!!

Joichi / Sarah

Oh I'll take a look at reading Puppeteer!

shadowhood

Ditto. Time for another art binge

eli [a winged tale]

1) I love the colours and lighting! As for the story, the banter really drew me in and when J offered freedom, that was my hook 2) My favourite moment was when J tore Eli out of his body! That was a very striking moment. 3) I really like J and Sam They’re both characters with a strong voice and motivation. 4) I enjoy the friendship chat between Sam and Eli. They really ground the whole college experience and the comic world for me. 5) Let me find it! 6) I think the themes of feeling lost in life or directionless after regimented high school are very relatable. It’s one thing to know where you wanna go and want to be but often we feel we’re just floating in reality. 7) I love the aesthetics! Very unique style yet also clear in storytelling! 8) I would say the strengths tie into the fast pace and great characters. I’m not sure where we’re headed in the comic but I’m sure we will get to know why beings like J and the Ocean lady exist and what roles Eli/Sam would play in the story great work Eightfish!

Love this shot! Great paneling!

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

The artwork is so beautiful!

shadowhood

Yeah, the flow of motion is amazing here that's really good gesture drawing

Feather J. Fern

I have to say I love the way you do the limited palette for the first few pages, it's really cool!

mathtans

Oh! From setup to where some f/f romance is implied. I shall read more. (Nice when the ships are verging on canon, if not there...)

Wonder if J is going to set things up such that Eli has to possess one of them.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Aaa, thank you all for the compliments about my art, eli, sssfrs, shadow, feather. I'm really trying to make this thing look good and I'm glad you guys like it.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

It looks really good!!

eli [a winged tale]

Love it Eightfish! Can’t wait for more!

RebelVampire

What I liked about the beginning is just kind of how jarring it is (in a good way). You get thrown right into a semi-tense/suspicious interaction, and it really kind of sets that tone for the rest of the comic. Which is actually what I like about the story all together. There's always this kind of laid back atmosphere to it where you're never really sure if you should be concerned or not. So it's got this right beat where you aren't always screaming but also aren't ever able to fully relax cause it feels like danger is around the corner. Coincidentally, the beginning is also probably my favorite moment in the comic as well, just cause again, I really love the tone here. My favorite character at the moment is probably J cause I can't figure J out and would like to know more about J. Cause J is just like this chaotic entity who I can't decide is good or evil and it's a complicated mess that I love. As for favorite interactions, definitely Eli and J. I like they're kind of friends, kind or enemies, kind of maybe sort of abusive relationship, maybe kind of sort of cut from the same fabric. There's a lot of levels to their relationship, so I do like seeing where it's going to go.

What I like about the art is just the overall style combined with the color experimentation. I think this in of itself really helps with the tone I keep mentioning, because it'll go from normal colors to suddenly very jarring, dark contrasts. So again, there's always this hint that something just isn't ever right in the world. I also think these features are the comic's strength, since it's a very interesting style that draws the eye.

Lastly for today, themes. I really like that the comic kind of explores ambition vs. lack of ambition. As someone who is more similar to Eli and would be kind of happy to just be people watching mush sometimes, I really relate. However, there are deep questions about whether this is good, whether ambition is better or whether ambition can go too far. So it's kind of good to see this explored and just kind of show that inevitably, people are different and not everyone has the same sorts of drives (or drives at all).

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Oh my god, you have no idea how happy I am to read that. Everything you said was exactly what I was going for and this is very validating

(also, can we just appreciate Rebel for a moment. They take the time to write these in depth analyses of every comic here and I always enjoy reading them. Even if I knew rebel was going to be the only one in this book club I would still be jumping to sign up.) (Not that I don't appreciate everyone else, those comments were lovely as well haha. So interesting to to read eli's thoughts on the characters and what will happen next)(edited)

BriDanann

Also!! Eightfish!! Your comic is so freaking gorgeous! I absolutely love the color scheme and the surrealist feel the art gives off. It really feels like it's otherworldly, but also familiar. Kind of how old Noir movies felt! I've only read the beginning so far and I am loving the tone.

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 2

9. Will Eli actually be satisfied with his decision to just float around away from responsibility in the long term, or do you think that will change? Additionally, what do you think caused Eli to run away from life so much?

10. Do you think Sam will ever come to accept Eli’s decisions, and how will the situation change the two’s relationship? What will Eli teach Sam about trying to fix everything, and how will the two change each other through their interactions?

11. What do you think J ultimately wants in life, and what does that have to do with giving Eli powers? Why is Sam so convinced that J is a demon? In general, do you think Eli, Sam, and Lily can put a stop to J’s mayhem?

12. How do you interpret the story’s title in terms of its significance to the events of the comic? Also, what significance do you think it has towards the theme of beliefs and how beliefs go stronger the more people believe in them?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

mathtans

(This week is kinda kicking my ass but I have finished the read and will find time for some comments in the next day or two. Just putting that out there.)

Okay, just a couple quick thoughts in case anyone else wants to react to them... I think Eli felt like there wasn't much of anything left to him. Didn't seem like he had family checking up on him, and major events like breaking your arm are the sorts of times you learn who's rallying around you. Sam distancing herself was probably the last straw.

I wonder a bit whether Vanessa (the one massively possessed by J, only name dropped in the author notes if memory serves) had a similar path. Or whether she's just off the deep end (maybe she pushed J into the arm breaking on some level).

Also think that Lily's pleased to have someone who can finally do something about the visions she's presumably been having all her life (unless it's a puberty awakening thing), though it does seem like her romance with Sam goes deeper than that. I wonder about her romantic history (but then I wonder about that with all f/f ships). And could Sam be bi? Or is she not straight, and part of that is what pulled her from Eli?

As I say, couple quick thoughts.

RebelVampire

@mathtans Those are some good points about Eli's family. I have to say I did kind of where they were at, cause at the very least I do get the impression Eli doesn't feel like they can be relied on. But I do think isolation is playing a big role in Eli's decision making right now.

Do I think Eli will actually be satisfied with his decision? Yes and no. I kind of feel like Eli would be fine with it overall but that inevitably extenuating circumstances will ruin the whole thing. Otherwise I honestly think Eli might be content if people around would accept it. As for why Eli is causing to run away from life, probably social pressure and isolation. It's hard to deal with life if you have no one around you, and also hard to deal with society when you really just don't have ambitions, cause society is very much about ambition. As for Sam, I think this is also a yes and a no. I think Sam will blame herself for Eli's choices as she comes to understand them more, but at the same time learn to let Eli live as Eli sees fit. I do think Sam will learn a valuable lesson though that not everything she thinks is broken is, and even if it is, sometimes people have to learn for themselves. So I think it'll bring Eli and Sam closer.

As for what J wants, I think it's probably friends. I think J fell in with Eli because they're both just kind of lonely souls. And while Eli expresses this in further isolation, J acts out and does everything possible to get attention. I do think the group will put a stop to J's shenanigans though, but I'm also feeling that it won't be a defeating of the villain (but this may be wishful thinking cause I do sympathize with J). I kind of get the feeling the title is meant to reflect both literally that J is turning people into puppets but also the complicated relationship people have with the concept of control. Like Sam for example. Sam clearly wants to fix and "control" things to suit them to how she wants. Also, in the Eli/J relationship, there's a question of who controls who to a degree. As for its connection to belief, I think I'd argue the strong our beliefs are in something, the more those beliefs have control of our lives. And I think that's something we once again see with J a lot in that J is literally controlling people while people seem convinced they control themselves.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Oh Rebel, mathtans, your comments make me just want to just spoil the entire story and blurt out everything right here. It's been so good seeing that so much of my intent was coming through.

@mathtans Sam is indeed not straight. I wonder what made you see her as bisexual specifically?(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I don’t think Sam had any malicious intent in keeping her distance from Eli, nor was it a case of “I’ve got a girlfriend now so I don’t need to talk to my other friends”. To me, Sam very much sees herself as the only one with the power to protect people, and because of that she feels it’s her duty to control what people get involved, where everyone goes, etc. Sam can keep this city under control, and thus she must. And, yeah, I agree with @RebelVampire that control is one of the main themes of the comic in general. Like J is constantly egging Eli on to control others, and one of their main points is that ordinary people often are looking to delegate control to someone else. And this current segment is the perfect lesson on how it doesn’t have to be one person in control - Eli and Sam can both be in control at once.(edited)

One thing I feel like should be mentioned though - the factor of Eli potentially being nb factoring into his decision? Like, when he first becomes a puppetmaster, one of the first things Eli says is “how come I still look like me” (i.e., rather than androgynous like J?), and one of the things Eli does to practice out shape shifting is try on dresses.

mathtans

@Eightfish (Puppeteer) Oh, nothing specifically made me see Sam as bisexual, but nothing made me see her as exclusively lesbian either. I've learned not to take that stuff for granted and wait for it be be spelled out (I'm also not the most observant though). In fact I have a f/f relationship in my writing where one of them is stated bisexual.

Also, good point snuffy on the androgynous aspect, never occurred to me there.

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 3

13. What are you most looking forward to seeing in regards to the comic?

14. Any final words of encouragement for the comic?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

mathtans

Okay, let's address some questions to the best of my abilities. ^.^ Regarding the start, as was mentioned, the muted colours and dark character seemed to fit the tone. I thought the cutaway was a time skip but it made sense when we came back later.

My favourite moment was actually when Sam and Lily spent the night in Eli's apartment. Aside from helping to confirm the f/f relation (a personal taste), it was subtle (like, just a friend wouldn't necessarily go along with things for that time) versus making out or something (which wouldn't fit the tone). And at the same time, it showed that Eli was separating himself from his past life, not even going back to check in... Sam honestly seems to be his only tie. (And I kinda wonder where his original body is, if it even exists?)

Favourite character is tough. Honestly, maybe Lily because she seems so innocent, having been drawn into things... and I wonder if J ever approached her to get to Sam? Or has the focus always been on Eli? It's not that I dislike the other characters, it's more that one of their flaws seems to be a lack of communication. The sort of thing that makes me sigh, even though it fits with what we've seen and is helping motivate the plot.

That said, yeah the Sam and Eli interactions are really good, right from the moment of "don't touch me" and Sam totally respected that as they got caught up. They obviously do care for each other in the friend way. (I wonder if Eli wanted more? Could that be why he shifted female, to be closer to Sam?)

I'm not good with art or themes. -.- The way the being in the harbour was drawn was good though from what I recall, helped to show the scope of the supernatural too. I guess a theme of belonging? Or friendship?

I haven't said much about J yet, but I think that is a something I like and a strength, the plotting... trying to guess the next move. And maybe they want to become as popular as the larger demon? Definitely drives the other characters forwards. And reminds me of Rebel's comment about ambition being a theme... makes sense in retrospect. (And yes, much appreciation to Rebel. ^.- )

9. I think Eli will eventually be satisfied, though I think he's realizing that he's becoming a bit of a pawn in a larger game, not having considered the scope of his transformation. And I already mentioned about his family. And Rebel made good points there too.

I think Sam's starting to accept the change, though not necessarily the reason for it (and I'm not sure she or we truly know what that is). What with her trusting him to possess. In fact, another reason why Eli might have done this was to be of more use to Sam, though that may not have been a conscious decision. The dynamic will be interesting.

Here I'm diverging from Rebel in that I think J wants to be recognized as a more important demon (though that's similar to having friends, it doesn't need to be). Maybe others have tried to take over beings like Sam without success? Or like Ocean Lady are so far above that they don't care? Maybe there's a clue somewhere in why Vanessa isn't enough for J lately.

That's a really interesting point in terms of the title... at first I figured it was the idea of Eli jumping into bodies. But of course, he's not really into that, and it's more J... who is perhaps puppeteering even beyond that, pulling the strings of people that aren't possessed. (There was mention of squid too, I wonder if the tentacles of a squid could be like the strings on a puppet?) Anyhue.

Will be interesting to see Lily's reaction to what's going on, as I have a suspicion that she'll show up... and perhaps blame herself for not being there when Eli was (even though Eli was brought in later). Or she could misinterpret the situation and think Eli's gone evil! Who knows. (How long has she been going out with Lily again?)

I think that's all for now. Best with it!

shadowhood

Yoooo sorry for the late response. Alright I'll try to answer the prompts as succinctly as I can. 1. The art style is very aesthetically pleasing! I love how you use mainly black against a lot of other bright colours like tan/light blue/gold; it gives it almost a Grecian vase vibe!

2. I have two actually!

The first one because it hit a really close hit to home. I loved seeing a real, down to earth conversation between friends and it felt...real. Seeing concerned friends talking about an abusive relationship and not....exploding is very refreshing.

The second one because I absolutely love that last panel, where J plays around with her words and follows through with a similar action. It felt like she was toying with Sam and it reminded me of the scene in Aladdin, where Jafar was toying with Aladdin with his words. Probably my favourite villain scene of J.

3. Funnily enough, I really like Sam. She's that one friend who's shown to be concerned for Eli, but she knows that she can't force him out of the abusive relationship. She respects his boundaries and is overall a good friend. That's rare and usually underappreciated in real life.

4. The interactions between Sam and Eli were the best for me, because they were very heartwarming and the care they show for each other resonates with me

5. The two moments I mentioned were my top favourites, actually!

6. The idea that you can't save everyone is one I really like. Sometimes you have to let the person you love make difficult and maybe even foolhardy decisions in life, but that's to let them grow up and mature.

7. Like I said earlier, it reminded me of Grecian vase paintings, which I love! Another thing I love about it is how free the gesture drawings are; drawings such as the hand drawings are testament to that

8. I think the strongest part of Puppeteer is its use of motion; my eye is always drawn to the line of action and it almost felt like a film at some parts. The story is heavily action oriented, which I like

shadowhood

9. Honestly, I don't know. Like @mathtans said, he doesn't seem to have family who check up on him, but he DOES have friends who do! Maybe someday he'll want to change, he'll see that he stayed stagnant while his friends keep on progressing in life. Either he'll go deeper into his isolation or he ultimately decides that this isn't for him. 10. I think it's a sad case where she's going to have to learn to let Eli make his mistakes and grow up. If she's constantly there to fix or solve everything for him, both characters suffer in that no one will learn everything. But hopefully, like other people have said, it brings them closer. 11. From what she's said, I think she wants control and power. But if you want a more indepth answer, I think she wants absolute control and worship from individuals. She wants to be put on a pedestal (wanting to be higher than other people?) and she wants that rush of feeling, that feeling of being dedicated to. But seeing @RebelVampire 's answer, maybe it's a twisted form of trying to keep people from leaving her, similar to how abusers try to keep their victims close. Heck, she could even develop a form of Lima syndrome and sympathize with the victim. I think Sam's and co. can put a stop to it, but ultimately, it's up to ELI himself to do so. 12. I agree with @RebelVampire on this one; Puppeteer can be a reference to how much we let others and their beliefs control us, and how the characters each covet control in some shape or form. Maybe Eli feels like he's lost control of his life and is trying to escape responsibility in a desperate effort to regain it?

13. I'm really looking forward to how this whole Eli/J relationship will affect Eli and his relationship with his friends. I'm also wondering what J's character development would be, if any; would she start sympathizing more with Eli? Learn something new from Eli? Or even become increasingly antagonistic towards Eli? 14. @Eightfish (Puppeteer) I really look forward to reading more from your webcomic, your art and conversation exchanges between your characters are top notch! Keep up the good work

RebelVampire

What I'm most looking forward to in regards to the comic is finding out more about J I think. I'm interested to learn more about the driving force behind J's actions and how those might cause the characters to rethink what J is. As for final words, I really just still enjoyed the atmosphere. So few comics can nail it, but this one really managed to capture that feeling of dread that really keeps you reading. So I can wait to see that be used more throughout the comic.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Thanks @mathtans , @shadowhood , @snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) for the recent long comments you've posted! It was wonderful reading what you thought about character motivations and themes. And I'm glad so many people said they were looking forward to learning more about J, because that's what I'm most looking forward to writing as well.

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Puppeteer this week! Please also give a special thank you to Eightfish for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Puppeteer, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/puppeteer/list?title_no=290620

Eightfish’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/eightfish

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #puppeteer #eightfish

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rawliverandcigarettes · 5 years ago

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Hey so it’s been a while! Have some news and timeline for Halfway Home! I’ll cc everything under the cut in case you don’t want to run across the internet to read it.

Have a great day!

So we passed the 23rd of June, and now here we go again.

[vague content warning around vague mentions of mental health and poverty]

Hello people from the internet.

I hope you are all alright during this suffocating summer. Personally I’m alright, besides recovering from a generalized infection that makes it hard to eat and dealing with the ridiculousness of the sun peaking up at 3AM.

For some of you who have been following me for a while, you might recollect that I’ve been screeching about my fanfiction project Halfway Home for a decent chunk of time, and yet, years later, there is still no text to be found under the sun (especially the 3AM one).

Today I wanted to recap a little bit why is that, what’s going on with a project, and give some sort of scalable timeline to lay out my schedule, what I’ve been doing so far and where I’m at with it all.

From the start of 2019 to this part of late june, I’ve been digging back into Halfway Home on my free time. After a first reread of the draft 1 in 2018 and declaring it Honest Crap, I realized this story was all over the place and needed to be resharpened before thinking of diving into a draft 2, or I would hit the exact same problems until the end of time. So I spent those last six months re-outlining the entire story. I had two rounds of reviews from friends, and while I’m still not satisfied about 100% of the things (damn you chapter 1) and being unable to stop making changes because no but look this is so much better, I promise that’s the last one, this one really doesn’t count anyway it’s a small one and other similar excuses, I realized that this story needs to be stopped. The 23rd of June was my deadline before locking this outline. Of course more changes will happen in revision and edits, but this outline is the one I’ll follow while drafting.

And now I’m officially in draft 2 territory.

I am honestly scared. I feel like I forgot how to write, and given the added complexities to Shlee’s character, I’m afraid I’ll mess up his voice. I allowed myself not to start at chapter 1 given how much I loathe it in all its 8 forms, but now I don’t know exactly where to start either.

From a chaotic structure of plot points that need to be mentioned, I need to recreate a world of details and nuances and just… life. This is a matter of jumping in the pool, except the pool has been left to cool for almost two years. But still, the jump needs to be made.

So here’s my timeline, that I announce to Thee, Internet, so now I can’t hide behind my own private plannings if I don’t deliver.

By the end of 2019, I want the draft 2 to be completed.

Not reviewed or finalized, but readable from start to finish. It won’t be as long than the draft 1 was, because I know exactly where I’m heading and the revisions tackled down 7 chapters plus the prologue and epilogue from the first draft, and I expect each chapter to be less meandering and needlessly long.

So what that means is that Halfway Home is out in 2020.

This is my final deadline for this part, and I intend to hold it for numerous reasons. The main dumb one is that I have other projects; namely the other parts of the Halfway Home trilogy –that shouldn’t take nearly as long given I have them almost already outlined, at least the next one in line–, but also a Real Book(TM) that I would really love to try and traditionally publish). I also miss making my own indie games, and I’d love to do that more.

But the real reason is I fear the loss of authenticity. The feelings that pushed Halfway Home to be were not pretty ones; they came from a place of isolation, of pain, of material need. And the thing is, right now I’m doing damn well for myself. I have never been more comfortable in my life, though the health/mental health are still a bit shaky and will probably remain as such. But it is so easy to forget the humiliation of a system that punishes you for being poor, and everything that comes with it –the choices that need to be made, the fear of your direct environment, the loneliness of being the crazy one in public transportation, the vulnerability, the crushing need to make it all stop. Even then I never had it «that» bad, if we’re making «that» a contest, but being young and poor and a little bit fucked up is a thing I’m afraid a privileged adult mind slowly but certainly forgets. And I want Halfway Home to be out there before that. Also as a reminder, for me.

I’m still very much on the fence about the way to let Halfway Home out in the world. Part of me wants the beautiful bombastic release plan that I would do for a novel, with pretty drawings and banners and a very serious plan for content release, because hell, I’ve been working on that stuff for so long, might as well do it right. Another part of me thinks of something more discreet, more hushed, less advertised. I’m morally more comfortable with the latter, and I also dare to dream this increases the chance of the absolutely incredibly qualitative investment « The Leftovers » generated –few people, who know why they are here (I love you all so much people that interacted with this fic, seriously I cannot stress that enough). Also it would be dishonest of me not to mention I’d rather not deal with some parts of the fandom regarding the very actively political nature of the story (for example, both turian and human culture being very criticized for their militarism, but also the main character being underage and doing sex work for some part of the story, etc).

So I don’t know! In fact I’d love to know what you think!

So yeah. I have a draft 2 to tackle down (and a Citadel Fashion Weeks to prepare for as well).

Have a great day Internet.

#halfway home #personal #cw mental health #writing

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a-day-at-once · 6 years ago

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January entries #21 to #31

#21

21/01

Hello, diary. I'm sorry this time I took so much of you, I'll be fast. Today at work, Leo and I talked abou KSV, and watched some of the manga's pages. As usual with magical girls mangas, it's a bit... Darker, than what TV's adaptation shows. Well, looks like Leo didn't knew that. Today's sticky note was a doodle of us watching Sakura, so I drew us cosplaying. When the shift finished, I headed back home and feeded Ember. Watching those pages made me remember my first motivations to draw. Inspired me, somehow. So I took you and went to the canal, were we still are.

Do you remember weeks ago, when I told you about journals? How 'diary' suited you better, because people took their journals outside and stuff? I won't stop calling you diary, it's way too settled down now to change it. But welcome to your new life.

It's just a messy, fast sketch. And I'm lying down actually, but I couldn't make the pose right as I wanted so...

I signed it as 'Luz'. It's a friendly nick for my coworkers now, but at first, it was my artistic name. I haven't used it as such in a long time... memories come to my mind, of every painting and sketch that I signed with this name. It means 'light' in spanish. Well, I'll go back home now. It's getting late, I'm kinda tired, and maybe Ember is missing me. See you tomorrow.

- Eva.

#22

22nd of January

Today was pretty long, diary.

There was some kind of event at one of the shops nearby, so I assume that everybody and their mother's brother decided to do their shopping for dinner before they went home. We were packed all day, to the point where I didn't even have time to get the stocking done I was supposed to get done. I ended up staying forty-five minutes after my shift to get it done.

On a positive note, that meant that the end of today's shift coincided with Leo's. On a negative note, when I saw him, I was struck with a bolt of lightning: I had gone on a date with Leo.

We hadn't decided it was a date, not fully.

But he held my hands and taught me how to ice skate.

Was that a date? Did we... Date?!

He bought me dinner, diary!! That was bloody well a date!!

He trotted over to me with a grin on his face and I dropped the boxes of pasta I was holding. Holy god, I went on a date with him! "Hey! What are you still doing here?" He'd asked, helping me collect the wayward pasta.

"Stalking! Stocking," I said, stacking up the boxes. "Yep. Just, uh, leftover stocking stuff. Couldn't get it done during the rush," "Oh, that's the worst," Leo had commiserated. "Want some help? I don't technically clock in for another fifteen or so,"

"Sure," I agreed. I knew my face was redder than red, the reddest I'd ever been, even redder than the time I'd fallen asleep on the beach. Leo ignored how shirty I was being and just talked about a show he'd watched last night. I didn't technically have cable, as watching whatever's on at the laundromat didn't count, so I didn't know what he was talking about. But he filled me in on some of the backstory with animated hand gestures, hysterical character voices, and the occasional dynamic pose. I don't think he ever put a box on the shelf, but the way that he set me at ease after my sudden realization helped more than he could have ever known.

My entire walk home, I thought about the date-not-date. Leo was so relaxed during the whole thing, but I assume I had been too.

I hadn't thought that it was a date the entire time.

If I had, there was no doubt that I would have skated directly into a wall going at least Mach the fuck Five and possibly crying the entire time I did it. I unlocked the door to my apartment and threw myself down on the couch.

What was the etiquette on this whole thing? Was I supposed to ask Leo if it was a date, or would he eventually ask me? Were we just going to keep going on like this forever and ever until one of us wondered if we were supposed to be filing taxes together or something?

What if I asked him and he laughed at me? What if I asked him and he didn't know what I was talking about?

What if I didn't ask him and I died right here, of a heart attack? Ember pounced on my gut, forcing me to unglue my asscheeks from the couch and feed her.

That gave me a three-minute reprieve from the unholy existential spiral I'd found myself in, but I'd made no more progress on my best course of action. Just as I got done cleaning up after Ember dove into her food bowl, I got a text.

From Leo. Leo: Hey, I'm on my lunch break and figured I'd give you a holler. You said you're an artist, right? I want to work on my painting skills. Want to go to the craft store with me on payday? I want a pro by my side! I stared at my phone like it'd grown snakes for what felt like an hour before I typed back. Me: Sure! I should get some more supplies, too. I've been getting back into the swing of things. Leo: Great. It's a date! I stared at the screen, frozen in place.

Dear diary, it seems that Leo answered my day-long epic saga of self-exploration, self-deprecation, and a little bit of absolute terror.

Now, I guess I have only one question. Is Leo psychic?

--hawkwarrd

#23

Welcome to Day 23, diary, 'cause the breeze is so strong and the weather's so dark that I might have dropped you into the snow when I was rushing out the door this morning with my bag unzipped.

Just dash, drop, drown--I've left you out in the air in the sink, hopefully minimizing the damage as much as possible. Would a hair dryer help? Can I even use a hairdryer without setting it on fire?

Fire--god, I wish I had a fireplace. It's so cold. It's so fucking cold.

Round these parts it doesn't snow 'til January--dull dreary grayness throughout the December and mild-mild-mild chills until January "the Real Fucking Winter" 23rd rolls around with snow so wild I'll freeze my toes off.

I. Hate. The snow.

We're getting snowstorm warnings but I go to work anyway like how we put warnings on prescription bottles and they don't stop us all anyway and honestly? Wasn't busy, given the snow. No one wants to go around in this weather.

We closed early for the lack of traffic. I'm home now, and though your pages are water-damaged and wrinkled and stained, you're still okay. Still functional. We're a lot alike in that respects, aren't we?

I thought about writing another poem, or doodling--hell, my neighbor's kid plays their rap music so loud I considered trying to make my own. I will not. I would be a disaster--but yeah, that kid--they're probably like 13, 14, with a bad attitude and headphones too big for their face and a big button on their backpack that says THEY/THEY PRONOUNS OR I'LL KILL YOU. Their nickname changes every other day from planet names to galaxy clusters to snowflake crystalline shapes. Their mom, Hadiza, is nicer, all on her own--a tired smile on her worn-pretty face and her hands cracking from dish soap and snow-skin, but she sometimes knocks on my door and asks me to make sure her baby got home okay while she was out at work.

sometimes i think i'd kill to have a family who loves me but that's a bad thought bad bad bad

She's nice, at least, though. When I got home she offered me some tea--you've been awfully quiet lately, Luz! Come in, I'll make you some-- all soft and warm, and well, motherly.

Made my heart hurt a little. Made some of the snow melt.

So I'm here, diary, after a lazy slow cold day, with milk tea and biscuits warming my body from my toes to the brainfreeze I caught in the winter outside.

Good days and bad days, huh, diary? Good days and bad days.

I hear the music playing up from the apartment next door again, but I don't mind it so much right now.

--redlight

#24

24th January

I was painting today after my shift at work.

That’s why I wasn’t paying attention. Why I didn’t fully look at the screen before I answered the phone.

It was set to be a good painting, I thought. I’m pretty sure I was trying to deal with what happened at the turn of the year. I was so proud of myself for picking up a paintbrush and getting into that space.

I don’t think it matters, now.

I pressed the phone to my ear, expecting Greg or Susan to be calling me to confirm my schedule for next week.

It was neither Greg nor Susan.

“Hey. I didn’t think you were going to pick up,” Nick’s voice said. “Listen, I know that you’re really mad at Dad and all,”

“That’s one way to put it,” I said, mouth feeling numb as I spoke. I wasn’t here at all. I was at the pizza shop with Leo. I was ice-skating. I was even arguing with an old lady about the price of tuna, because I wasn’t here--

“I think we need to put that aside for a while.” Nick said, sighing. “I’m at the hospital. With dad. And Mum.” He said shortly.

“The hospital?” I said, looking around. Ember sat curled up on the couch. I’d dropped my paintbrush. There’s a splatter of brown-red paint slowly seeping into the cream carpet. There goes my deposit.

“Yeah. Dad’s… Not well. Mum and I talked, and I think… We think, all of us, that you should come home.”

“I can’t.” I spat immediately. “I just… I can’t, I just can’t.”

“If it’s about money, I’ll buy the ticket.” Nick said nonchalantly. Funny, that. Who knew being His Holiness came with such a stunning salary.

“It’s not about the money and you know that.” I whispered, curling in on myself. I could barely breathe, could barely think. “What’s going on?” My morbidity asked.

Nick let out a sigh.

“Dementia, we think. He’s been asking for you.” He admitted, his voice choked. “We’re not sure how much longer he has.” “Dementia,” I echoed. “Okay. I’ll… I need to… I have a job,” I babbled, standing then sitting immediately back down. “Can I call you back?”

“Sure. We’re going to be at the hospital all day, so even if you want to talk to him…” Nick said, trailing off hopefully.

How he wanted a perfect family.

“Right,” I said, finally choosing to stand back up. “Right.”

“Okay. Bye. I love you.”

“I… I love you, too.” I said, looking down at the phone in confusion. Nick hung up.

I felt like I’d been boiled.

Dad had been asking for me?

What did that mean? As far as I knew, he hadn’t uttered my name since I’d left the house.

Was he really dying? There was a time in my life that my father dying had been a fond dream of mine, while I was locked in my room to give me “time to think”.

Nick becoming a man of some monolithic God was hardly original. My father had been patient zero. The outbreak. The drop of contamination in the well.

Mind and body, I still bore scars from being the queer child in a House of God.

How was I supposed to go back to that? How was I supposed to care?

Nick had always behaved like I was being overdramatic, and he still was. How could he just casually call me one afternoon and ask me to go back to that place like it hadn’t ripped everything I was away from me?

The numbness I had on the phone was swept away by the tide of rage.

My father was the type to read from the Bible for our bedtime stories when we were children, to pray before dinner, to attribute everything good in our lives to God.

As a child, I was wont to agree. All the evidence I had pointed to the affirmative. My life was good, and therefore God was good.

It was only when things started to take a turn that I found out the truth.

God made man. Man made pain. Pain made man bitter and tired.

Dear diary, I am so bitter. So tired.

Somehow, my father had found out that I was queer. I had been trying things on for size at school, trying to grow into myself in a safe space.

Soon after, the mill downsized. My father was one of the many that were turned away, no pension, no benefits.

Many people would have turned to alcohol, to drugs, to anything to make that horror seem far away for awhile, but my father turned to God. We went to church Sundays and Wednesdays. We prayed every night, together, before bed.

I’m sure there are people out there who thrive in that environment. Nick sure had.

Me? Not so much.

Especially not when I was to blame for my father’s layoff. They laid the family’s flaws at my front door, blaming my queerness for why things were going wrong.

God is punishing me, they said. I was unnatural, they said.

Ember made a small chirrup from the couch and I looked over at her.

I couldn’t go back, I thought dumbly. They wouldn’t let a cat on the train, and Ember surely wasn’t staying here by herself.

I looked back down at the phone.

I had a few options. Running through them would help sort the cluttered stack of panicked thoughts in my mind, made frantic from a single phone call.

Option one: never call Nick back, throw my phone into the canal.

Option two: call Nick back, tell him I can’t go back, but talk to my father on the phone. Option three: call Nick back, tell him to buy me a ticket, go back to my hometown.

Just thinking the third one made me sick to my stomach, so I crossed it off. I couldn’t do it. Not now, at least.

Option two seemed like the best way to keep everyone happy. I was the equalizer. I was the one that kept everything together.

This was my role in the family.

I picked up my phone, but instead of dialling Nick, I dialled Leo.

“Hey! What’s going on?” Leo answered. He sounded cheerful but suspicious. I would be, too. We’d only texted a few times since the date. (Not date? What the fuck ever, I’ve got other shit happening.)

“Something… crazy, honestly. Do you have a second?” The background noise on the call stopped and I heard a door close.

“Yeah. I’m all ears. What’s going on?”

I gave Leo the five-minute version of my family history, much like he’d given me over pizza. It was sanitized, but I could hear him hiss through his teeth while I recounted certain tales.

“Now he’s sick. Nick says its dementia and he wants to see me, but…”

“You can’t.” Leo said firmly.

“Right.” I agreed, folding my arm across my chest. “It would be…”

“Bad, bad, bad.” Leo said. I could nearly see him shaking his head, his hair getting in his eyes. “No bueno.”

“Nick said I could talk to him on the phone, but…”

“Do you owe him that, honestly?” Leo asked me.

“Do I owe him?”

“Yeah. It’s supposed to be just a phone call, alright, but you’re freaking out. Do you owe him your piece of mind? Do you owe any of them your peace of mind?”

What a question. “I don’t think so.” Leo said, softly into the silence. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you are worthy of peace. You are worthy of happiness.”

There was a lump in my throat and I could scarcely breathe.

“I dunno if anybody ever told you that, but it’s true.”

“Thank you,” I choked out.

“Anytime. Literally, day or night.” Leo said. I heard a door bang open and someone calling his name. “I have to go back in, but are you going to be alright?”

“Yeah. I am.” I said, and I didn’t know it was true until that moment. “I think I’m going to call Nick back.”

“What are you going to tell him?” Leo asked.

“That I’m not going to talk to my father,” I said, gulping slightly around the tears that threatened to choke me. “At least not now. And I’m not going back there. Ever.”

“Good. Great,” Leo said. “Call me if you need me, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you so much,”

“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow at work, okay?’

“Okay.” I agreed again. We hung up, saying our goodbyes.

The phone lay in my hand, inert, but it felt like the potential energy contained inside of it could level a city the size of New York.

I took a deep breath, moved to the couch, and grabbed Ember around the middle. She opened an eye at me, offended, but I wrapped her sleepy, limp body around my neck like a scarf and the warmth seemed to appease her for a moment before she oozed partially down my chest, keeping her head near my chin.

With my little mascot, I opened my contacts and pressed on Nick’s.

“Hey! Are you clear to come down?” He answered.

“No, Nick. I’m not coming down.” I said firmly. The phone shaking in my hand and my other hand tangled in Ember’s fur belied my strong tone.

“What? What do you mean you’re not coming down?” I gulped at his angry voice and the sound of him walking down an expanse of tile. “I can’t go back, Nick. I’m sorry.”

“Your father is dying and you won’t even go see him?” Nick shouted and something within me snapped.

“I was dying!” I growled. “I was dying and nobody even cared!”

“What are you talking about?”

“The entire time I spent praying for something to change inside of me, praying to be anyone else but me, I was fucking dying, Nick, and none of you gave a single shit. In order for me to survive, I can’t go back to that place.” My voice was shaking, but my hands were firm. “I’m not going to do that to myself, not again.”

“Are you kidding me? You’re seriously just being a baby? What about ‘Dad’s dying’ do you not understand?” Nick said incredulously.

“You’re not listening to a word I’ve said,” I spat, sitting forward on the couch. Ember shot me the evil-eye, but she stayed. What a good cat.

“Yes, I did! You said that you’re not going to come and see your dying father because he tried to raise you right.”

“No, I’m not coming to see the man who raised me to believe I was an abomination because I would like to live.” I growled, clenching my jaw. “I think we’re done here.”

“I think we are, too.” Nick said. “He’s going to be so disappointed.”

“So am I.”

I hung up the phone. I stood, cradling Ember in my arms. I sat back in my painting chair.

I bent, picking up the partially-dried paintbrush.

I rinsed it off, picking up more colour.

I started to paint.

--hawkwarrd

#25

Day 25.

I woke up just a few moments ago. That's why my handwriting is so sloppy. I'm sorry.

I didn't really sleep. I couldn't. All I could think about was that fucking phone call and my dad and my brother's unbearably loud voice screeching into my ear. I don't even need to read what I wrote last night again, I remember every single word like it was burnt into my brain. (I don't think I can, actually. Read what I wrote. I can't.)

Why did he even call me? Why did he have to call me?

Fuck. I don't want to go to work.

I wish I could grow vines from my body that would merge me with this bed. That's all I need. To just lie here and fucking sleep.

︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿

Update. I tried to sleep for the last 40 minutes and I couldn't. Even having Ember lying against my back didn't help.

I don't want to go to work. But I can't stay here without falling asleep. It'll only get things worse.

I just got a text from Leo. He asked if I'm okay and if I want him to call in sick for me.

You see that, diary? He cares about me more than my entire family combined. Unless he doesn't. Unless it's all a show and he actually doesn't care and nobody cares and I'll end up all alone again and my own fucking brain will keep on screaming and screaming until I take that rope again and ch

Sorry. I'm sorry. I wrote too hard and now your page is a bit ripped.

I told him I'll come.

︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿ Here we meet again diary. My damaged diary, just like me.

Today was… odd. It was… bad, but… somehow… I dunno. Sometimes it was okay, and other times… it was a disaster.

I was late to work but Greg said it was okay. He was in charge again so he put me in the cleaning product section, to put the new price stickers on the products that were on sale. Then he told me to put in the cans in order and do some stuff like that.

I went to lunch with Leo again but nothing that big this time. We sat outside and ate some sandwiches he made (they were perfect. Cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and salty butter. I couldn't ask for a better homemade lunch than that. I didn't, actually, he just brought it and shared it with me and made my morning better), and just watched the people go in front of us. We played that game I play with myself sometimes, and tried to guess where they went and why.

We saw a woman hastily talking on her phone while walking fast. Leo said she was a lawyer late for court, and I said she was just late to meet her friends somewhere.

We saw a guy and a girl (I said girlfriend, Leo said sister) sit not far from us and laughed at something they saw on their laptop. Leo said they were looking at puppy photos while I said they saw a funny post on tumblr.

We saw a guy walking slowly with a small girl, and while Leo said it was her uncle taking her to eat ice cream, I said it was her brother taking her to the near park, to ride the carousel.

Leo looked at me and asked, “what, like Holden and Phoebe from The Catcher in The Rye?”

I smiled at him, all proud that he recognized what I was talking about. “Yeah. Why not? All he needs is a hunting hat.” I said.

He laughed. “It's my favorite book, you know,” he told me.

“I know now,” I said, and he looked down shyly like only he can, with his freckled cheeks red and his green eyes hidden. So that part of the day was the good part. The only good part.

Even before rush-hour, my luck was running out. I dropped products, I bumped into things. I discovered that I put all the sale prices in the wrong place in the morning and had to rearrange two entire sections. I was already frustrated by the unnecessary work I made for myself, and the embarrassing stuff that I did - I was not ready to spend the rest of my day there.

But I couldn't go home, either.

And then, some point in the afternoon, the store was stuffed. Since it's a Friday, everyone wanted to hurry and buy everything before the weekend.

Which is exactly why I hate Friday shifts so much.

I stood in the dairy section in the back. Once in a while, some random customer asked for help. I tried to stay friendly, at least on the outside. The noise creeped into my bones but I did my best not to let it stress me more than it already did.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and it made me jump. I looked at it and saw it was a message.

It was from Sean.

I couldn't even look at what it said. I just turned off the screen and put it back in my pocket.

At first, I didn't even notice that I was shaking. I kept on gulping and licking my lips, like I was thirsty, even though I wasn't.

Why? Why did he text me again?

My phone vibrated again (and made me jump again) - but more than once this time. Someone was calling, but I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want to see who it was, in case that it was him. I just - I couldn't handle him, I just couldn't. And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me break. Because that's what he did, that's what he always fucking did, what he was best at - I couldn't calm down, even after I turned off my phone completely. I looked at other parts of the store, to see if I could see Leo, or Greg, or Susan, anybody, but I couldn't see any of them ; they were all too far away, too busy. The entire damn place was too fucking busy and I felt like it was getting too much.

I had to get out. I had to get out but I couldn't. My legs were stuck in their place and there were too many people and too much noise and too much to do.

Fuck. Even writing it now makes me want to puke.

I saw someone. Someone that looked just like him. And for a moment, I was certain that it was him, that he found me, that he actually found out where I am and that he came to get me.

I couldn't breathe. Each inhale I took felt like fire, just like my eyes did when I blinked. I couldn't hear anything but the blood that rushed in my ears. At some point I must have lost my balance cause suddenly my shoulder hurt, and when I looked to my side I saw I bumped into one of the refrigerators, but I couldn't fucking move. It was too hot and too cold at the same time and I could barely stand and I felt like my lungs were tied up and I shook like mad and my throat hurt as if I was screaming (did I? Or was it just from crying?).

Someone put their hand on my shoulder and I jumped and slapped it away. I couldn't really see properly but I just knew that people were looking at me and gathered around me and I just needed to get the fuck out of there, get away from him, get away from everybody, I couldn't fucking breathe -

Suddenly, a familiar voice reached my ear. Leo was calling my name, asking “can you hear me? Can you hear me?”

Somehow I managed to nod. I blinked through the tears and saw his huge piercing green eyes. “Look at me,” he said, “Breathe with me. In,” he took a deep breath, “and out,” he exhaled. He repeated it slowly, just for me, until I felt the fists that squeezed my lungs gradually let go. He encouraged me and guided me until I could breathe without needing to fight for it.

I was numb, for a few moments. Or maybe in shock. But it was quiet, finally quiet, and I needed that, just for a few more minutes. I didn't even notice he took me outside.

“Here,” he whispered, and gave me a bottle of water. My hand was still shaky when I took it, and slowly soothed my sore throat with it. It helped the breathing, too.

“May I ask you what happened?” Leo asked, so gently, so emotionally. I turned to him and felt my eyes burn again. My vision was blurry with tears and I… I tried to speak. I did.

“It’s just… I thought I saw…” I bit my lip as I tried to stop myself from crying again, but it was useless. “That I saw someone that... “

I couldn’t really continue the sentence, but he got it. I looked down at the ground and when I raised my eyes back at him again, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I leaned my forehead against his shoulder and I cried, letting the tears stream down my face and right into his shirt. I don’t even know for how long I cried but he kept on holding me the entire time. I could feel his arms fold around me, and he was just so tender, so careful, just like he could. One of his hands cupped the back of my head, and his other arm just kept me close, as if I’m going to collapse again. My fist gathered his shirt at some point, and I almost hugged him back.

I don’t know how long passed, but he didn’t let go, even when I was done. And I let him. No one ever… comforted me like that before. No hug ever felt so safe.

When I raised my head to wipe away the trails of my tears, I saw he was crying too.

“Leo…?” I blinked at him, all confused and guilty. “No, no… it’s not your fault,” he laughed through his tears. “I just cry very easily… I just… can’t stay indifferent, you know? Especially when I know what it’s like. I’m sorry, it’s… it’s stupid.”

I managed to smile, if only for a moment. “It’s not stupid.”

He saw I was still trembling and weak, so he suggested to ask Greg to let us take the rest of the day off. “My apartment is only one bus stop away,” he told me. “You can stay in my place until you feel better.”

Despite myself, I nodded. In other situations I would’ve been awkward or flustered at such a suggestion, but… I knew I needed this. I couldn’t go back to work… and I couldn’t go back to my place. Not after this… not when the rope is in there, just a drawer away.

We went to Greg together, and Leo told him I didn’t feel well, and that he needed to escort me. Fortunately, Greg was very understanding, and let us go pretty easily.

We then went to the locker room, to take our stuff. I saw he left me a sticky note this morning, one that I didn’t notice before, and I promised myself to leave one back for him the next time I get the chance.

He paid for us both on the bus, and led me to the back door inside of it. I watched the houses and trees rush in my sight while the bus moved, and felt like they were running away from me (but Leo didn’t). Before I knew it, we reached our stop.

His apartment was on the ground floor of the first building to the left of the bus-stop. He kicked the snow that piled up by the door, pressed the numbers for the entry code and let us both in.

We both took our shoes off by the door. He hung his coat in the corner and told me to do the same. “You can put your stuff here in the corner, so everything’ll dry up,” he said. “And you can go ahead and sit on the couch, I’ll make us some tea.”

I did as he said and went to sit on the couch. I felt a bit awkward at first, and would have been much more so if I wasn’t so tired. It was a small place, smaller than mine. He had a small kitchen just by his living room, and the bathroom was just near his bedroom. It was tidy and warmed up immediately when he turned the heater on, and just felt so… homey. The orange light from the lamp made it even more so.

“There,” he stepped slowly and put a wooden tray on the table in front of me. There were two mugs on it, and beside them, a sugar container and a spoon. “Peppermint and lavender. Do you like sugar in your tea?”

I nodded and mumbled, “one.”

He added sugar to my cup and then went to his bedroom, only to come back with a blanket. I was about to decline, but he already put it around my shoulders and it just felt so soft. The teacup warmed my hands up and I could feel myself relax, little by little.

He sat beside me and we drank our tea in silence.

“I’m sorry… about all this.” I finally managed to say, somehow. Words never came out easily for me after a panic attack.

“No, don’t be. Please,” Leo told me. He brought his legs up and bent them flatly on the couch, with his knees turning towards me. “I’m glad to help. And I want you to know that you don’t need to feel obligated to explain anything, okay? I know you explained a little before but if you’re not comfortable with elaborating, then I respect that. I just want you to feel… safe. Do you feel a bit better now?”

I nodded and brought the mug up to my lips again. After a few more gulps, I could feel that the herbs were actually helping. “Thank you…”

“Of course.” We finished our beverages and continued to sit there, comfortably silent. Then we talked for a while, about other things. Leo showed me some photos of his sisters and his dog. In turn, I turned on my phone, swiped away the message notification (and the missed call one) so I won’t have to see it every time I look at the screensaver, and showed him the only picture I had of Ember. He said she was the sweetest kitten he’s ever seen. I told him how I adopted her and promised to take some more photos to show him.

I spent much more time there than I thought I would. It was already dark outside when I decided I should go. Even though I ended up napping there for a while before that. He didn’t even wake me; when I woke up on my own from my dreamless sleep, he said he didn’t mind. He had a book on his lap and his phone beside him.

“Besides… it’s nice to have someone around here. You’re the first visitor I have here.” He said. It somehow made me feel a bit… special.

Not long after that, I put my coat on and took my things. He suggested taking me home, but I didn’t want him to bother that much for me.

Apparently he was very stubborn when he really wanted to be.

“I’m not letting you go all the way by yourself, not when it’s so cold, and not in this hour. I have my car here, I’ll take you.” He said.

Before I could say no again, he already put his shoes and coat on (I didn’t bring my own car to work today so I didn’t have any other excuse).

Leo’s car is small and old, but functions well. He said his oldest sister left it for him, and that’s why there also was a leftover smell of cigarettes (Leo hates that smell. Good thing neither of us smokes) that he tried to mask with an air freshener. I told him my address, and we were good to go.

The roads were almost completely empty. People in this town don’t use their cars much, not for Friday nights anyways. Most of the bars and pubs are in the center. I fell asleep during the ride, and before I knew it, Leo woke me up to let me knew we arrived. His hand was gentle and warm against my shoulder, and for a moment, I was tempted to invite him in.

I couldn’t, though. I didn’t want him to see that shithole. Not tonight.

I put my hand on the handle, but I didn’t open the door just yet. I licked my lips nervously and looked down, a bit in a loss of words. I wanted to thank him again, I wanted to tell him that I have no idea where I’d be by now if he wasn’t there, but… somehow, I didn’t find the right words, at the time.

I looked at him, and he smiled in understanding.

And then he hugged me. It was a bit uncomfortable, because of our sitting position in the car, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. It was a different kind of hug than before, but it still felt… protective. Safe. I liked it. (I didn’t want it to end)

I tried to make a lame joke before I let go completely. I don’t even remember the exact phrasing cause it was that lame, but it was something like, “I’d invite you in but I’m late on feeding my cat and I don’t want my first visitor to be eaten alive…”

At least it made him laugh. His clear, beautiful laugh that you can just tell it’s so sincere. Even from a stupid joke, just like that.

We said goodbye and I got out, and he waited until he saw me getting into my house before he drove away.

I fed Ember. I changed into my jacket-and-random-pants pajamas…

And that’s it. The most roller-coaster day I’ve had in a long while.

I decided to keep my phone as far away from me as I could tonight, and put it to charge in the socket on the other side of the room. If I don’t hear the alarm, at least I’ll have Ember to fill in for it.

So maybe this morning wasn’t the only good part of the day today…

And at least now, I can try to have some sleep. Who knows. Maybe I’ll manage, this time.

- hadar

#26 - BLANK DAY

#27

I may or may not have spent most of yesterday in bed.

I did. I only got up to pee and take a shit.

I needed the rest, though maybe not as much as I got. The more I slept the more I feared waking up, and every time my eyes flickered closed like old lamps in desert hospital hallways, I found myself where I didn’t want to be.

My mind took me there, diary. I saw him in his deathbed, and he extended his hand to me. Hands that were heavy on my body, weakened by delusion, perhaps seeing a child he no longer had but pretended God was merciful enough to grant him the vision of my presence nevertheless.

”My beautiful child,” he whispered in a voice that used to tuck me in bed until it became coated in venom. He was glad to see that my hair is short now; he always said that I shouldn’t have it as long as I liked it at the time, that I’d spend more water washing it and each extra dollar towards the water company was one less dollar towards the church charity pot on Sunday. For a brat of fifteen, it made me want to grow it over my shoulders, only to taunt him. Every day he pointed out that it had grown and laughed about it. Playfully, for anyone who didn’t know better, but each low chuckle was a warning I chose to ignore for the sake of rebellion. I’ll never forget the day when he grabbed a fistful of my hair, jerked me backwards and cut it himself. One swift, clean lick of a scissors. But that’s straying from the point. In this… fucked up psychic dimension that was my dream, my father extended his hand to me and said he missed me.

He fucking missed me…?

Nick was there too, smiling with his hands resting on our mother’s padded jacket. She smiled too, head tilting to the side as it always did, nails long and pointy, polish of a color that looked ridiculous in a woman of her age, fingers adorned with jewels we could never afford so she took to her own measures to have other men paying for them on the side.

”My beautiful child, please… Come closer.”

In my dream - I was nauseated, choking on bile, my stomach twisting and revolting at the mere thought of being touched by those calloused hands again - I walked to him. I let him fuck no FUCK get away DON’T TOUCH ME touch me and he guided me closer to him, pulling me until he could reach my face and he SHIT STOP PLEASE DON’T DO THIS PLEASE I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE kissed my forehead. ”My beautiful child,” he said again, ”I’m glad that God gave me a chance. I’m glad that God gave me you.” His hands - weaker than before, one of them connected to a serum pumping machine - curled around my neck. The grip was fragile, barely even squeezing, but I was contorting already, quivering in anticipation, feeling my air lines cutting in advance, heart bursting frantically as if it were scared to be beating for the last time and it was.

”But you’re broken, my child, you’re twisted into a monster. But that’s okay. God will save you just like he saved me.”

The ghost whips of a leather belt stung on a skin that never forgot the pain, a mind that struggled to keep up to the “treatment”, to the sick… attempt at “fixing” something that I had no control over. In my dream I was crying, and I woke up crying just as hard.

Ember, perhaps unknowingly, purred a soothing melody as she curled up to me. It was a song I never heard, but I sobbed against her fur until she tri-pawed away to chase a fly. I was calmer by then, arguably sober in a mental sense, the aftermath of the dream pressing my body further under the sheets. I found myself wondering why I kept the rope. Was it a trophy to remind myself that my cursed timeline could have ended but I pushed through like a champ? Or was it just so I could fantasize about having it around my neck again? I weighed a few thoughts on the second option.

I heard footsteps on the hallway and my heart stilled. I knew it couldn’t be him, but I still hid until I heard a familiar voice.

“Rise and shine, sugar plum.” Greg said from the other side of the door, choosing to tap a few knocks on the surface of the door over ringing the annoying buzz of the bell. I appreciated that, and he knew so.

Greg… He doesn’t talk much. But he always says what I need to hear, even if I don’t want to hear it. Today’s “I don’t want but I definitely need” was, “I’m picking you up for lunch.”

He introduced himself to and played with Ember while I showered and got dressed.

Sunday meals at Greg’s were the absolute opposite of what I used to have back home in Arizona; he had so many people over on the weekend I often considered it smothering. His living grandma on his dad’s side, his parents and parents in law, brothers, sisters, nephews, and sometimes the lonely neighbour who had lost his wife to cancer and always repeated the story of how they had met, over and over, until he saw at least one eye around the table getting teary. Greg’s partner was always there too, of course. My family was never that large, but the silence and the mandatory praying and the television weather report and the roast and the elephant in the room everyone refused to acknowledge, it was all so suffocating--

Me and Greg met online when I was a dumb kid of twelve, playing with an online mask of a twenty year old. It was a thing us stupid kids did back then, trying to be grown ups where no one could prove that we were simply trying on a shoe a few sizes too big for our tiny feet. Greg, he was twenty-one at the time and had just finished high school a few years late, but it was done and that was all that mattered. He tried for college but never made it in. He doesn’t regret it.

He found out about the almost-catfish a few weeks after we started talking, but he never brought it up. Again, he never says anything he doesn’t have to. We spoke every now and then and when I noticed, I had stopped pretending I wasn’t myself.

I told him about wanting to leave my house. He understood.

He’s the reason I had somewhere to stay after I ran away from my family. From Sean. This apartment, in fact, belonged to his younger sister, before she moved to Europe with her fiance. He’s the reason I even have a fucking job. I can never thank him enough for everything he did for me without me ever asking. That’s probably why I never say no to him. Today, it was just us. No overly large family. Just… us. Family, too, in a way.

“Andy’s gone out with his college buddies. Some sort of weekend-long bonding camping trip. He sent pics, you can see them on my phone if you want? It’s over there.” He said as he chopped an onion without looking at the cutting board. I feared for his fingertips, but years of practice had him confident in his technique.

Ah yes. Greg? He cooks amazingly. He and his husband are gym-pumped vegan beasts, and most people would scrunch their noses at being presented with a dish of soy over beef, but the way he seasons the food is just-- chef emoji, super yum, 100/10, putting Rich Landau’s worldwide famous plant based meals to shame. I could drool all over a plate before eating it - ravishing it, rather. I hate carrots, but Greg’s roasted carrot purée is crazy d i v i n e and I could feed on nothing but that for the rest of my pitiful life.

I should have taken a picture à la Instagram, dear diary, but I left my phone charging at home, so I’ll have to leave it for another day. He promised he’d have me over more often, even when I said he didn’t have to. He insisted that he wanted to have me there. That I was always welcome. I pretty much only needed to say the word and he’d have a front door key ready for me.

We ate (have I mentioned how bloody DELICIOUS it was???), he made a stupidly quick yet delightful dessert and we lazed the day away in the couch, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder, our legs up on the coffee table (if Andy were there, he wouldn’t approve of that). Both of us had already watched that Schwarzenegger movie like eleven times, but still we sat through it until we fell asleep. I had no nightmares.

When we woke up, it was to a key on the front door and Andy walking in. He had a whole bunch of new pictures and stories to share. It was dinner time by then, and even though I wasn’t too hungry yet, I could never say no to more of that meal, so we ate leftovers from lunch and heard all about his adventures with people I never knew of.

Greg drove me back home close to midnight with a tupperware full of another portion of his food. Before he drove off, he asked me, with all sincerity, if I was okay.

Diary, I wanted to lie and say “yes”. I always did, it was a reply that came out on autopilot. That I was fine and that the embarrassing panic attack I had on Friday was caused over some stupid anxiety, nothing I couldn’t get over with a little more sleep and more of that purée.

But I thought of Leo. How concerned he was. I thought of my day with Greg, how I owed him so much but he never asked for anything at all, and I thought of the amputee cat waiting for me to feed her just upstairs. I thought of how much of a carcass I was in the lonely night of December 31st 2018, how I was so prepared to embrace death as one last attempt at feeling anything at all and how I stood up to Nick like I had been too much of a coward to do before.

And then I said yes. And when I said yes, diary, I said it because I meant it. In Greg’s smile, I noticed he too noticed.

When I got home, I petted Ember, fed her, but she barely ate, choosing to follow me around and rub on my legs instead. I unplugged my phone off the charger to open my messaging app and read Leo’s concerned texts and reply to them as fast as my cold fingers could type on the screen of my smartphone. Pressing backwards when I waited for a reply, my eyes drifted down to see one text from Susan - missed call - and the one from Sean’s number. I found myself praying, for the first time in a very long time.

I prayed that it wasn’t true. I prayed that I read them wrong, that it was the wrong number, that it meant nothing. But I read those words again and again, and they were right there. Mocking me. Taking whatever security I had gained over foundations of sand and crashing them down like a salted wave of restlessness. Greg was one phone call away, but my phone fell on the floor and cracked the screen and I couldn’t find it through my tears.

XXX-XXX-XXX: I found you.

Dear diary. That rope on my drawer is suddenly looking very inviting again.

#28

Day 28. (somehow)

I woke up so many times at night, I can barely call it sleep. Even now, after I put my phone on the other side of the room again, that message still haunts me. Mocks me. Whispers in my ear like a damn ghost, settling in my head like a tumor. Like only he can do.

As I said before. He wasn't the only reason, but he had a huge part in my decision to leave. I can't even elaborate on that, it'll make me - it'll make me want to rip you apart, diary, and I can't do that. Not to the only thing I can rely on with my thoughts and secrets.

Dammit.

Knowing that he found me gives me such chills, I can barely write properly. I tried doing those breathing exercises Greg had taught me but nothing helps.

I want the ground to swallow me whole. I want a lightning to strike me right here and now. I want…

I don't know what the fuck I want.

What do I do now? Do I run away again? Do I wait and see what happens? Do I call him and tell him to leave me alone no, hell no. Definitely not. Not gonna happen. If I listen to his voice, I'll scream.

Fuck him fuck him fuck him. Why can't he just leave me alone? Why can't he just let me be and let me move on with my life?

It hasn’t been this long since the year started. But I finally have something good here, you know? I have Leo and Greg and my job and Ember. I have the lake to sit by and the park to go through to local events.

I have my freedom, something I used to only fantasize about not even that long ago. Finally, I can choose where to go and what to do; not my dad, not my brother and definitely not him. Neither of them controls me anymore. None of them can tell me who I am and who I should be.

At least… That's what I want to believe, diary. That's what I want to believe.

… I hate him. I hate that he makes me feel so weak and confused. I hate that with three little words, he can crush me into dust and take away the one thing I ever wanted.

To feel safe. My phone made that special sound I put especially for Leo so I'd know that it's him. He said good morning and sent a cute lion emoji instead of his name.

I'll get ready for work soon.

︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵

Even going to work was a nightmare. That text Sean sent me was stuck in my head, and I couldn't shake the feeling that with every step I made, he made two. It made me anxious. The only good thing about the cold and the snow was that it somehow managed to chill my body, even underneath my coat, because it was too hot even in that weather.

I had to stop thinking about it.

Not long before I needed to start my shift, I bought myself some coffee and some cookies to share with Leo and Sylvia at work. When I got there, I left him a sticky note like I promised myself I would, and he himself showed up not long after me. We shared some cookies and talked, then I gave the rest to Sylvia. She said she'd bring them to her grandchildren, cause chocolate-chips cookies are their favorite.

The shift was rather calm today. Not many people are coming on Mondays, especially not in this weather, so we mainly focused on cleaning and organizing things (it was nice to keep myself occupied, otherwise I'd probably had another panic attack by then). I spent most of the time with Leo while Sylvia was in the cash stand. The three of us had a lunch break together after that, because she insisted and we didn't have the heart to say no. Turned out she brought enough food to feed an elephant, and we ate much more than either of us hoped.

I'm so grateful I had their company today. It didn't undo what Sean did, and let me tell you, I will most likely think about it every day because I can't stand the thought of him trying to find me, maybe he's even watching me-- but… they did help me, a lot. Having them with me kept me… sane. I jumped when I got a message on my phone later in the afternoon, but luckily, it was safe this time. It was Simon, one of the people that volunteer with me in the animal shelter (he's a bit of a dick, but all in all he's okay). He said he broke his arm so he won't be able to be around in the near future. We're pretty much always short on staff, especially ever since the snow started, and our manager, as understanding as she was, kind of freaked out about losing another volunteer. She really cares about the animals in the shelter - she's the one who brought in most of them.

Turning to Leo was my first and only option.

It was towards the end of his shift that I asked him if he wanted to meet me up later and go with me to the shelter. To my surprise (or maybe not), he immediately agreed, and even offered to buy some stuff on his way to get me.

It was only me and Sylvia until I she'd give me the o.k to go, and that entire time I did my best to remain somewhat busy, to keep my mind from wandering towards those three cursed words I have on my phone.

So I drew. I drew the store around me to the tiniest detail. I drew Sylvia sitting behind the counter, writing stuff in her notepad.

I drew Leo out of memory. That one I kept in my locker, later. Leo came to get me around 7pm. When I got into his car, I saw he bought much more than any other volunteer I've met until now. When I asked him about it, he said most of the things were stuff he found in one of his sisters’ bags in his apartment, and the others he bought on the way. He refused to tell me how much it cost so I wouldn't be able to pay back some of the money he spent. I gave him the instructions on how to get there while we were on our way, and he was glad to see part of the city he didn't get the chance to see before.

Later, he stuttered something that I didn't understand at first, and he blushed even more when I asked him what he said. “I - I asked if you're still up to go out with me to the art store on our payday?”

I choked on my own saliva and coughed like crazy for a whole minute. He told me to take his bottle of water from his bag behind me, and while I did, it finally occurred to him that what he said was… That. He began to apologize and say he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable, but I somehow managed to tell him that it was alright. He even said I could call it off if I wanted to, but I told him I never said no. When he turned quiet, I knew it was because he was flustered, even when I didn't look. So I said, “You know, payday is the day after tomorrow… so I guess we can go then.”

He quietly agreed, and right before our silence could become awkward, we arrived at the shelter.

I introduced him to the manager, Georgia, and she showed us in instantly after we brought her the all the stuff Leo brought. She asked me about Ember and I showed her the most recent photo I took. She was more than happy to see the cat already looked bigger and healthier. She said she liked really happy to be with me (I'd like to believe that, too). Leo loved it there. He was so excited to help so many kinds of animals in one place, and he was actually good at it. He was charmed by Georgia's story of how she opened this place last spring, all on her own, and how she managed to keep it stable up until now.

I showed him Shelly, the conure that's still really fond of me, but she didn't like him very much. She even tried to bite his finger (how can anyone not like Leo, I will never know).

We spent our time there helping Georgia around until the shelter closed at 9pm. Then we went to grab something to eat (ate Chinese takeaway in his car) and Leo drove me back home.

He stopped me before I got out of his car, by gently putting his hand just above my elbow.

“S-so… the day after tomorrow. Right?” he asked. Maybe he was still feeling bad that he called it a “going out” thing, but… it was cute. That he wanted to just make sure, I mean.

“Yeah. The day after tomorrow,” I confirmed. I smiled at him and that seemed to put his mind at ease.

And now I'm right here, diary, writing to you in a slightly better mood than I was this morning.

I'm kind of excited about tomorrow. More than kind of, actually. I'll go out with Leo and we'll have fun.

But if I'll be honest, I'm… I'm scared. I am. I never admitted that and I didn't think I would, but… You're the only one I can say that to. I don't know what I'll do if the messages continue, or if Sean starts to call more often. Fuck, I don't know what I'll do if he ever shows up.

But for now… I need to keep it together. For my own sanity, at least.

Or at least, I need to try.

-hadar

#29

One of these days, I am going to wake up and my first thoughts won’t go to the noose in my drawer.

Today is not one of those days.

I feel like someone is playing tug-of-rope, and I’m neither on the winning side nor the losing side.

I’m the rope.

One moment, I’ll feel like things are looking up. Like things aren’t all that bad.

The very next I’ll remember the missed calls and the texts on my phone.

It appears that ignoring Sean only made him worse. As I stood at the cash register, I was sure that my phone was ringing off the hook in my locker.

Leo seemed to notice how distracted I was and he kept eyeing me between customers. He’d look like he decided on what to say, but once we were alone, he changed his mind.

I didn’t blame him. I had to look like some kind of wraith, haunting register number three in a fugue.

He broke when we went on lunch together when Sylvia came in.

“Are you okay?”