#i just feel so fucking depressed rn i need my little hobby

[rapidhighway]

i think im gonna break my drawing vows and im gonna draw somethin guyz

[numbernninemickey]

i’m deadass so depressed it’s actually crazy.

i’ll preface this by saying i am not perfect and there’s a lot wrong with me i need to work on. like a lot.

i hate going to uni because i hate the people im around. i’m not even trying to talk myself up but i feel like people only want to be friends with me because they’re either attracted to me or im smart and understand what’s going on in classes. anyone else i genuinely wanna be friends with doesn’t like me because im too weird. i’m working so hard in school that im barely eating, barely sleeping, barely doing other things that i enjoy. i’m just there stacked with work lonely as fuck with no hobbies or no one to hang out with. all my real friends don’t live in the same city as me and is a bitch to get a hold of them. if i could be genuine friends with big time drug dealers i’d do it in a heartbeat. i’d love to run numbers or case out potential stick ups just to feel like i belong. and they could sit with me at my bench and, while i do my homework, talk about their past or have genuine conversations with them. not these fucking momos i go to school with. i don’t even know what i want to be doing after i graduate. i’m computer engineering and i want to work in robotics but i have no experience in anything outside school. i went to the career fair so unprepared and intimidated that i had to leave. what is it that i actually enjoy? i was thinking of making my clothing line but [tmi but basically i can’t do that rn either, maybe i could i just need to find time]. i can’t believe i left utk to go to this bullshit ass college. i want to work so hard to get out of this situation but im unmotivated to do anything. and why every time i say that it’s some fucking idiot saying “well you don’t need motivation you just need discipline” a part of me wants to say they’re right, because they are, but in reality i want them to shut the fuck up. maybe i need to stop being scared of the truth. i also stack my work up against me instead of being ahead of it which makes me feel like i have more work than i do, because i just want to feel free for a little bit. i never want to do work on the weekends i just want to sulk in bed.

then i have to come home from school i hate to a house i hate even more. i dont care that my mom married some rich lawyer that i have to respect now because i live in his bullshit ass mansion. i had to delete an entire paragraph that was threatening violence onto my step dad for no reason even though he’s done nothing to me, but i just don’t like him and i don’t know why. i can’t even tell my own sister who lives in nyc that i don’t like him because “it’s not nice”. she doesn’t understand because her lucky ass got to get out of that hole. maybe that will be my motivation to leave. i like to disrespect my dad more now because i can’t do it to my step dad. at least my dad knows how to take a joke. shit at least my dad knows what a joke is. if i would talk about how annoyed i am to be living under the same roof as that man i would be here forever. matter of fact it’s what makes me most annoyed out of anything. but just know i have to come home to a home that isn’t a home. i’d rather be at my dad’s where my room feels like one of my childhood rooms but he doesn’t want me there. he wants to live alone and i feel him. a part of me wants to live alone for the rest of my life too. i’m scared imma end up just like him, but hopefully i’ll have some money.

see what people don’t understand about having depression is that on the outside i help people out and can’t say no to anything, but on the inside im just an asshole who really doesn’t like anybody and would rather whine about being broke and lonely than actually put in the effort to make friends or to get that dream job or to discover and work on a talent. i might have a big heart deep down that i don’t know about, but it’s buried behind this cold attitude i feel like i must have. besides the people that hate me for no reason, there are people that genuinely think im a good person… why do they think that. if they knew the real me and i talked the way i really wanted to talk, they would never want to be within a football field of me. im agitated by everything, the people that hate me now or don’t like me anymore, i genuinely want to see them doing bad in life. for some reason it would bring me so much joy if i found out that certain people had a drug problem or went homeless. why is my self esteem so low that i need other people to fail. i bet the reason is that i don’t do anything to help me succeed so it’s better if everyone else was at my playing field. if i was just working on myself i wouldn’t be having these problems but for some reason im allergic to self betterment. whoever said hating is fun is a liar. hating is such a painful but addictive coping mechanism.

[multiverseofimagines]

Hello lovely! Could I get a male Stranger Things, MCU and Harry Potter ship please? Thank you so much! If three is too much than just a Stranger Things ship! Much love!

APPEARANCE: I am 21 year old straight female, she/her pronouns, I’m 5’1” with somewhat long dirty blonde/brown hair, I’m curvy and I should be wearing glasses but alas I do not. I like having my nails painted either black or red or both. My style is a mix of girly and gothic, I wear lots of skirts and dresses and frilly socks but also fishnets and dark colors and cardigans or flannels. I love wearing rings and dainty earrings. I love things with lace and Peter Pan collars.

PERSONALITY: I think I’m infp and enfp? I’m mature when I need to be and quiet, but once you get to know me I’m bubbly and weird. I have pretty bad anxiety so I will get nervous over everything and anything, I’m paranoid as well at times. I love making others laugh and happy, I can be awkward at times also but I cope with humor. I try to help everyone around me, I shove my feelings to the side most of the time if someone needs help- often times putting others before myself. I guess in certain aspects I’m kinda nerdy?? ( I am also a hufflepuff )

INTERESTS/HOBBIES: I love animals, gardening, reading and writing, painting, musical theatre which I’ve done for ten years. I love to sing dance and act, help others, I enjoy raising caterpillars into butterflies. music ( Lana del rey, imagine dragons, mother mother, show tunes, poor man’s poison, fall out boy, etc ) I like collecting things like pins or random nicnacs.

You sound so much like me! We should def be friends < 3

Stranger Things

I ship you with….

Solid choice here actually! You guys are similar in your own unique ways, similar personalities, both nerdy, etc.

Loves and admires how selfless you are but will always take care of you well, and make sure that you take care of yourself for once.

Comforts you through your anxiety and uses humour to help you cope with that.

Knew you were a bit shy and quiet and would over compensate for that so you would feel less awkward about it. Would he 10x as loud, making conversation for the both of you.

Literally down for you so bad ! (sorry not sorry) your his dream girl???

Will ask you to come on tour with him and his band once they get big. You guys would definitely live on the road for a bit, and he would always give you a shoutout before every performance.

Has written a bunch of love song’s for you.

(Im at work rn and time after time started playing at the salon) literally cant help but imagine you two going to prom together and dancing to this like 😭 I’m crying anywayyy

Marvel Universe

Definitely Peter! I know that’s probably such an opposite from Eddie, but they are a little similar in a lot of ways.

You two are extremely similar personality wise! Both Hufflepuffs, both infp/enfp, both of you are awkward and use humour to deflate situational mishaps.

Best friends to lovers??? I hear wedding bells 🔔

Always there to listen about your worries and doesn’t judge your paranoia. He may not relate to all of it, but definitely will listen and ask you questions that ground you.

Harry Potter Universe

I went sort of a different route with this one ! Sirius is a bit darker of a character than the first two but I feel like he has a lot in common with Eddie as well.

You guys are complete opposites but thats why I picked him. You would definitely be his protector rather than the other way around.

He has been through so much and you are a constant in his life, always there to comfort him, and reassure him.

Really gets you out of your shell, and always makes you laugh hysterically.

You definitely help him avoid Azkaban and you two run away together to the muggle world to hide until the events involving the golden trio occur.

(this was terrible and I was depressed for months but uhh fuck it !! 🥲 hopefully my shit explanations can be overlooked and you can feel awesome for being paired with all the amazing guys lol. If your even gonna get a notif got this. Again so sorry my cat almost died and so much stuff has happened but hope you are well anon.)

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Hey darling ❤️ love your writing 3000 :) can u do one with Bucky x reader (they’re together) where he overhears the reader on the phone with her parents that are emotionally & verbally abusive towards her (they always have been) and the reader has to explain it all to him afterwards even tho she’s having a panic attack (bc she’s afraid bucky will leave her since she has no one else to go to ??) and bucky comforts her and reassures her that he’s gonna be there for her and like comfort fluff? I live in an emotionally abusive and manipulative household rn and I tell you your fics are like an escape for me. Even if u don’t do this thank you from the bottom of my heart :)

Hey there, I love you 3000 ❤ I am so so sorry to hear about your situation, and while I'm glad to hear that my writing is an escape for you, I want you to know that I'm here for you. No one should have to go through what you described. I hope that this can bring you some comfort but please, I encourage you to reach out to someone who can help you. My DM's are open as well, you shouldn't face this alone. I'm here for you!!!

You owe them nothing

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 3200 (ish)

Warnings: emotional abuse/gaslighting, manipulation, parent issues, tears, angst, breakdown, fluff.

---------

You really tried to keep it hidden. It wasn’t something that everyone needed to know about.

Your parents loved you, at least that’s what they had said. But it was one of those things where you felt like it was for show - the kindness that they showed when you were around others faded away once you were alone with them.

You remember once they had said “of course I love you, I’m your parent!”

But that made you wonder how they would treat you if you weren’t theirs.

They were horrible to you for as long as you could remember. Gaslighting you and making you feel like you owed them something even though they were the ones who should have taken care of you.

They were around but never…there. They would be there for family dinners but they were always riddled with criticisms of grades and who you were talking to and how you dressed. All of your hobbies were seen as a waste of time, something you should only do when you had nothing else to do. School came first, naturally, but there was always something they told you you had to do before you could do anything for yourself.

Yet when you would complain about being depressed, they told you to get a hobby because you never do anything.

Tired meant lazy, energetic and passionate meant loud and annoying. When you were quiet they thought you had nothing to say, yet when you expressed your opinions you were told to shut up.

You couldn’t win.

You could never make them happy, there was always something you were doing wrong.

They thought it was their right to monitor who you talked to and saw, what you did outside of school, what sports you could join. When you would say no to the school dances or parties you would make up an excuse about not wanting to go or having work to do. Your friends would call you a buzz kill. Little did they know you would give anything to go.

Whenever you would do something wrong (or anything, period,), your parents would yell at you. They would curse you out, make you cry, only to yell at you for crying like a little bitch.

The older you got, the worse it was.

You thought when you moved out it would be better. But you had all these years of being told you were worthless and having them be your providers. When you got your own place you didn’t really have any friends, nor did you really know how to make friends. You had a job to help you get by, you could support yourself. That wasn’t the issue. You could support yourself, you always had to.

It was that you were so lonely.

You wanted friends but you were so afraid of the criticism you would get. You were afraid to make yourself known, because you were always taught that being told what to do and taught what to think was much more appealing than having your opinion.

But this was an opinionated world.

You were good at what you did, so good that you had gotten a job at S.H.I.E.L.D. You thought that would make you happy, more importantly that it would make your parents happy, but no such luck.

“I got a really great job, guys.”

“Fantastic. I guess you’re just doing so great without us,” they had snapped.

“What? I mean… this is what you wanted right? For me to get a good job?” you had said, confused.

You heard a loud sigh on the other end of the line. “Of course we do, what are you crazy about? Of course we wanted you to get a good job but you just deserted us like we were trash. Have we done nothing for you?”

You felt your heart sink in your stomach. ‘Of course you guys have, I love -”

“Don’t say what you don’t mean. If you really cared about us you’d be helping us out. You got a great job and probably have a huge paycheck that you hoard and you left us here to struggle to make ends meet.”

You took the phone away from your face temporarily to take a shaky breath. Of course they would go there with the salary, why wouldn’t they? All of your paychecks had gone to them, since it was their house and they were feeding you, leaving you with barely enough money for your car and gas and phone bills, only for them to suggest longer hours when you complained.

“I can help you guys out if you need,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady.

You heard an exasperated sigh on the other line again. “You really should be more grateful, you know? We raised you your entire life and then you leave us alone? You never even call us? You’re so fucking selfish.”

Then the line went dead.

You shook your head and felt tears in your eyes as you spoke to yourself. “Well maybe I would call you if it didn’t always yell at me.”

Of course, you would never say that.

See, it wasn’t so bad. You never said anything because they were only ever mean to you, which would make you uncomfortable. There were people out there that would get hit or who would have to raise themselves from a young age. Once you grew thick skin it wasn’t so bad, you were just being dramatic.

Right?

Your new job was fairly successful, you were fantastic at what you did. You did a lot of behind the scenes work, weapon repair and plans of action with missions. Not that they needed much help with that. Still, they took you in as their friends.

Well, as close as you would let them get to as friends.

It took a while before you warmed up to them. Everyone tended to keep to themselves, but not as much as you. You kept the parts of you hidden away - you were there for a job, you did it, and you did it well. You knew how to do your job but interacting with the team, making friends - you didn’t want to get emotionally attached.

Not like you knew how to make friends to begin with.

Naturally you were drawn to the quieter side of the team, once you were able to open up. They were all nice but sometimes the parties and the jokes were a bit much. You just didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing that would make you the punchline.

No one needed to know about you, or how you would spend your free time being yelled at through a phone with you trying to make it better. That wasn’t part of the job, so you shouldn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like anyone would want to help. You were just a nuisance to everyone around you.

Right?

No one talked about their life before the team much. Not many people on the team had a great life before the Avengers first came together. Natasha or Wanda had once spoken about how this team was a family. And as much as you wanted to believe it, you helped the team. You weren’t a part of the team. So even if that were true, it didn’t include you.

At least, that was your point of view.

The team viewed you as a part of the team as much as any of them. You didn’t fight with them but you made sure everything would go as smoothly. You were kind and great at what you did, but they wished you would open up more. Of course, being a team of people who had trouble opening up, they understood.

Bucky was one of the ones who took a liking to you, mostly because he saw a lot of himself in you. He could tell there was something that you were trying to get past but weren’t quite able to yet. That there was something bothering but you wouldn’t dare say it for fear of bothering someone. You threw yourself into projects and distractions and from the way you carried yourself, he guessed you were avoiding something that you weren’t ready to work through. At least, not yet.

He knew that feeling too well.

The ex-assassin was one of the easiest for you to open up to because he didn’t expect much from interactions. Both of you were quiet and kept to yourselves that there wasn’t much pressure to share anything or say anything. You knew his past but would never bring it up unless he wanted to. Which eventually, he did. You could tell he felt pressure to be who he was before HYDRA took him, and while Steve was surprised he opened up to you first, you weren’t. Steve knew Bucky before everything, and you didn’t have that bias. He was whoever he was today regardless of who he was yesterday.

And Bucky found comfort in that.

You think you would’ve too, if you thought you deserved it enough to do the same.

See, you were worried that you were making everything worse than it really was. You worried that maybe you were being too sensitive or that what you had grown up with was normal. With everything that everyone on the team went through, a few insults from your parents was hardly anything. You were being dramatic.

There was nothing to be sad or angry about. You just had to get over yourself.

Right?

You were getting by until one night when your parents called, as they did on occasion. You were in the middle of working, so you ignored it. The phone went to voicemail before it started ringing again, and you ignored it, again. The third time you sighed and picked up your phone, turning away from your work.

You took a deep breath before you answered. “Hello?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

You closed your eyes and brought a hand to rub your head. “Well I’m doing fine, thank you, how are you?”

“Don’t give me that attitude. What the fuck are you doing? You’ve been ignoring our calls.”

You stood up to pace the floor slightly, dreading the conversation that was coming. Is it the ‘family is most important’ or the ‘where’s my money?’ speech today? “I’ve been working.”

“What, so work is more important than family now? Is that what this is? You don’t care about us?”

Family speech it is.

“Dad -”

“What if one of us was dying? Huh? Would that be important?”

“Stop it. No one is dying, and I was working. And I have more work to do, so I really have to go.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, I’m your father.”

Gaining confidence you gritted your teeth and snapped, “You know what? I’m an adult now so you can’t tell me what to do.”

There was silence on the other end of the line and you could practically hear the steam coming out of your father’s ears.

At some point Bucky had come down to your working space to check on you, seeing as it was nearly morning. He stopped in the doorway, and seeing you were busy on the phone he thought he would stop by later to give you some privacy. But he stopped when he heard you snap.

You never snap.

“Who do you think you’re talking to you ungrateful little bitch?”

“I’m talking to the people who treated me like shit my entire life and ask me for money when you wouldn’t give me the time of day for 18 fucking years.”

Even you couldn’t believe the words coming out of your mouth. But god did it feel good to say them.

“Are you fucking serious right now? We did nothing for you? What do you think we’ve been doing your whole life? We’ve done everything we did to help you be the best person you could be. You have that job now because of us and you have no right to speak to me that way.”

You chuckled darkly as you looked up at the ceiling, unaware of Bucky’s presence behind you. “My entire life all I’ve ever wanted to do was make you guys proud of me. But you know what? I’m fucking done. You hated me, gaslighted me, and made me hate myself almost as much if not more than you seemed to hate me.”

“I did no such thing you ungrateful -”

“You were supposed to love me and care for me, and all you did was take advantage of me. I’m not your child, I’m a paycheck. I don’t owe you anything because you gave me nothing. So you know what? FUCK. YOU.”

You hung up the phone and tossed it across the room, adrenaline taking over your body as you tried to stop shaking. Because a small part of you felt bad.

But fuck did that feel amazing.

You heard a throat clear behind you and you turned around to see Bucky, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“You okay?”

You nodded nervously, rubbing the sides of your arms. “Yeah, I’m fine,” you said, unconvincingly. “How much, uh...how much did you -

“Enough,” he said, pushing himself off of the door frame as he crossed over to you. “Who was that?”

“Bucky, don’t, it’s really fine. I just got a little worked up.”

“Y/n,” he started, looking at you with concern. “Who were you talking to?”

“No one.”

“You don’t get upset like that at no one,” he took your hands in his. “Y/n, you're shaking.”

It was then that you realized your hands were still shaking, trying to keep the anxiety of what happened at bay.

It’s going to be so much worse now.

I can never talk to them again.

Is that a good thing? Didn’t I want that?

Bucky could sense you getting lost in your head. “Sweetheart, tell me what happened, please. I want to help you.”

You pulled your hands away from his and crossed your arms. “You can’t help me because there’s nothing wrong, okay? I handled it, it’s over. Done. nothing to worry about.”

“Y/n -”

“No really, there’s nothing you can do, okay?”

“Will you at least let me try?”

You looked at him, adrenaline starting to drain from your system. This was Bucky, your Bucky, who had never done anything but love and support you. He had never done anything to hurt you.

But what if he left you too?

You took in a sharp breath and curled in on yourself, a scared look on your face. Bucky crossed back over to you, seeing a scared look on your face.

“Hey, hey, y/n? Can you look at me?”

You brought your eyes up to meet his, feeling your chest constricting as you tried to keep your breathing even. It wasn’t working.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t… I’m fine really I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s okay, you have nothing to apologize for,” he pulled you in for a hug and kissed the top of your head. “Let’s go sit down, okay?’

He led you over to your bed and you leaned forward, hands on your knees and head in your hands. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s happening, this - I’m sorry, it’s so stupid, I’m so stupid.”

Bucky rubbed a hand up and down your back, hushing you. “It’s not stupid. If it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid.” Bucky took a small breath. “Do you remember all of those times after nightmares and all those panic attacks you would walk me through? How I thought I was being stupid?”

“You weren’t being stupid”

“And neither are you.”

You took some more shaky breaths as tears kept falling down your face. “You’re okay. It’s alright, I’m right here.”

Bucky let you calm down, knowing you would talk about it if you wanted to. He wanted you to talk about it so he could help you (and hurt whoever upset you) but he wouldn’t force you into telling him anything you didn’t want to.

The two of you sat in the silence, Bucky looking at you with soft eyes as you kept your face hidden.

“I haven’t told you a goddamn thing about me. You ever wonder why?”

You looked over at Bucky, eyebrows creased with slight confusion.

“They said blood was supposed to be thicker than water. That family comes first, right? I spent my whole life listening to them and following them and being the perfect kid. I made myself into everything they wanted me to be. And it still wasn’t enough for them.”

Bucky tilted his head slightly. He hadn’t known his parents much before they died but he had always wanted to have more time. But he wasn’t oblivious to the fact that not everyone had good parents.

“You know, I remember thinking that once I made it they would be happy. That if I worked hard enough or went onto do great things that they would be proud of me. That’s all I ever wanted, you know?” you said, voice wavering as you let out a bitter laugh. “But it’s not, you know? Never is, never was, never will be. All they do is take and take and no matter how good I am they’re always gonna hate me because I can’t be perfect.”

“No one’s perfect, y/n.”

“Well that’s what they want me to be. I know I can’t be perfect so I know they’ll never be happy. That they’ll call me ungrateful and selfish for succeeding and for leaving them when they never wanted me to be there to begin with.” You felt tears spill over as you wiped them away. “And I’m ust so fucking done with being a disappointment to them and to everyone else.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I don’t know,” you said softly, not really wanting to be more vulnerable.

Bucky, sensing this was a time he could push you, challenged you. “I think you do.”

You shook your head. “I didn’t want anyone to see me the way they did. I thought what they said wasn’t true but...I just thought that maybe I was overreacting. Other people have it worse you know - some people have no parents or some have it so much worse. Mine just yell at me you know? Tell me everything’s my fault and that they wish they’d never had me. That I’m ungrateful for not being with them and that I owe them. I just...I heard that for the first 18 years of my life. I didn’t need any more of it.”

“y/n, that’s…” he swallowed, trying to contain his anger. “That’s not normal. No one should have to go through that. You can’t possibly think you're a bad person.”

Your shrug was enough to tell him that you did.

“Y/n, I don’t know who your parents think they are but you don’t owe them a damn thing. You may be related to them but you have no obligation to love your parents if they treat you like that. You have every right to be angry or to hate them. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be angry with someone who hurt you.”

“But they’re my family.”

“Well they didn’t treat you like it. You have us now, you don’t need them anymore. We’re your family. And we’re not gonna leave you.”

“They didn’t leave me Bucky, I left them.”

“You can’t leave someone who was never there for you.”

----------

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @buckys-blue-eyes @peggycarter-steverogers @broadwaybabe18 @buckfics @thatfangirl42 @abitgryffindorky @barnesplums @mardema @freigeistundanderes @bucks-bunny @im-sick-of-failing @strawberrimae @sup--ernova

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[plutouran]

hello may i have a romantic mha match up plz<3

Hi my name is rex, i’m queer and use they/them pronouns and i’m 15. And i would prefer someone not over the age of 19 plz.

have like a caramel colored skin-tone (i feel like saying im black may be easier but 🤷🏽‍♀️) and im 5’3. Rn i have a purple-pink short mullet and i have pretty curly hair, im pretty chubby but i have an hourglass shape (but i have super noticeable hip dips) , i got pretty big fucking tittes (not even in a bragging way, im a fuckin k cup bro😭) and thicc thighs(thicc thighs save lives, sorry i’ll stop). I dress pretty alternative but i cant just choose one subculture tho, i wear a lot of heavy eye makeup. I could say i dress kinda “showy” but thats kinda what only fits me, but also who gives a fuck.

Honestly I don’t really have a type. Tbh most of my relationships have ended pretty badly cause they ether only wanted something sexual from me or I was “too clingy” when i just wanted basic ass affection. But the most I want is someone who is physically affectionate (like kisses, cuddles, and hugs for days) also im ok with pda to an extent like i will hug and like cuddle you but im not gonna make out with your infront of others thats weird af.

Im a libra sun, scropio moon, and gemini rising. This means that im a pretty social person and always wanna hang out with friends and just have fun, but moon in scropio makes my emotions rlly haywire and kinda boosts any sorta negative emotion, which is hard when you have chronic anxiety and major depressive disorder. Which also means i take medication for it, which i forget a lot. And because of these things i have anxiety tics, where it ranges to making noices and twitching a bit to full on hitting myself and saying random shit. But I really like making people laugh, it makes me feel helpful, but im also good at being to mother figure for people. I also like playfully bantering with people, like i love you but will full on roast you and get into fake fist-fights. I am a bit of a violent person at times but I have a punching bag and boxing gloves which help a lot. But I only get that angry when someone uses an insecurity of mine against me or is talking bad about someone i love, cause it you do that im beating your ass. I do have a bit of body insecurities mainly about my hip-dips and stomach. But because im curvy i get hit on by adults a lot and its creepy as fuck.

My hobbies include art (painting, drawing), sleeping (because i stay up mad late😭✌🏽), reading comics, Marvel and D.C superheroes, and super villains, cartoons, and anime/manga.

My favorite music genre’s are rock, alternative, emo, rap, and a little bit if indie music.

Personality: funny, sarcastic, creative, kind, inappropriate and the right times. Like im not gonna pull out a dick joke in front of your family

I don’t really have a type and im queer so i dont have a gender preference, but anyone who’s love language is physical affection cause im a clingy bitch

I have a couple ideal dates. So the first one is like an indoor picnic and a movie, an arcade date, and a stargazing date where you get take out or fast food and drive up a hill to see the stars and you like cuddle n shit.

a/n: thank you so much for this! if requests like this are long, i can work with it better!

rex has been paired up with…

— izuku midoriya

your and deku‘s song is fuyu no hanashi by given (this song omg)

(ok so listen! this man will protect you at all cost! there is no one that would fit better!)

firsts things first, he will be really smitten by the way you treat your friends and probably are a ray of sunshine in a group!

what i like the most about deku is the way he treats everyone equal. he‘d never judge you, never betray you and stand up for you!

he‘ll also be there for you. no matter what. he can take you mental health and help you overcome hard episodes.

he‘ll research everything about it, maybe even write it down and treat you right. just tell him what you need! he‘ll do it in an instant.

and if you need space, he‘ll give you that as well.

he‘d be really flustered whenever he hugs you but he gets comfortable with that pretty quickly.

he will give all the attention you need. like fr. he‘d be such a cute boyfriend!

however, putting his cute side away, he will definitely not be afraid to speak up whenever someone messes with you. he‘ll do his best to make you happy.

deku would love to read comics with you and geek about it. like that’s just how he is.

he‘d also be super flustered by your creativity. he thinks that’s extremely cool to be creative! (i do too!)

super long cuddles with him! when he is long asleep and you are still awake, just appreciating the moment!

he‘d practically go on any date with you! but of course, picnic dates are the best! it’s super cute how he prepares everything nicely.

arguments would be super rare. he just bottles some things inside that overwhelm him sometime. talking is key.

[libbytwq]

Leave Me Be (a poem)

I know that you're unhappy

With certain things I do.

But you don't have to do this

Because I haven't done it to you.

.

I may be incompetent;

I'm not without my flaws.

And you are keen to remind me

With your sharp, imaginary claws.

.

Sometimes its not my fault,

But you make it seem the blame's on me.

You can't say sorry, you can't forgive

Maybe you aren't right for me

.

But when I'm just chillin

And you aren't on my mind

You just have to do something

To stab me from behind

.

I'm tired of your bullshit.

I'm tired of your lies.

I'm tired of wasting nights where you

Made me sob ugly cries.

.

I don't know know if you noticed

But your actions have consequences.

If you don't stop now, right here I vow,

I'll force you back into your senses.

.

You pushed my tolerance a little too far

Past the point of no return.

You think I'd forgive you once again?

Let your stupid wishes burn.

.

I forgave you once, forgave you twice

I can't do this again.

You broke my heart, I fell apart

I thought you were my friend.

.

I understand you've dealt with shit

And that you are depressed

But you can't treat me like shit

So you can feel your best

.

I'm not a tool, I'm not a can

To mess around and kick.

I'm just a mere teen

who when her friends are sad, that makes her sick

.

I can't deal with you no more

Don't mess with all my things

I know you did the thing you did

There is no use lying

.

If you ever try to come back

Begging for forgiveness

I'll kindly decline, cuz honestly,

I can't fucking live with this

.

I've felt guilt, I've felt depressed

Whenever I'm next to you

But somehow my other friends

Don't make me feel like poo

.

They care about my feelings

They care about my health

But looking back, you made my life

A literal living hell

.

I've made up my mind on who I want more -

Can you tell which is which?

Oh look at that - I chose kind weirdos

Over an insensitive bitch

.

I'm sorry if I made you sad

But honestly I don't care

Cuz I haven't felt overwhelming guilt

Looming in the air

.

They may not like my hobbies

But they respect what I do

They also understand my feelings -

More than I could ever get from you

.

I'm sorry if this is not

how you want our friendship to end

But honestly, you shouldn't care,

You have other friends.

.

You don't seem to hate them

You seem to hate me more

They seem to like you just fine

What do you need me for?

.

But please don't be petty

I haven't mentioned your name once

Can you please leave me the fuck alone

You pathetic petty dunce

.

I apologize for name calling

But this needs to be said

Now can you please just leave me be?

You're screwing with my head

.

I used to want to like you

But now I don't give a damn

And if you want to try again

I don't think I can

.

You have proved yourself unworthy

To care about you myself

Frankly, you are toxic

And bad for my mental health

.

I might miss the memories

Of random joys we had

But it can't balance out the weight of times

when things were downright bad

.

It may not seem like it to you,

But to me, you're really mean.

Now don't be a bitch about my feelings -

please just leave me be.

---

Just some emotions I'm feeling rn about an irl person i know and something that happened recently

I won't explain but this is a serious thing I've been feeling so

[pastelslytherin]

Hi my name is rex, i’m queer and use they/them pronouns and i’m 15. And i would prefer someone not over the age of 18 plz.

have like a caramel colored skin-tone and im 5’3 (short king). Rn i have a purple-pink short mullet and i have pretty curly hair(the ethnic popped off hehe), im pretty chubby but i have an hourglass shape, im pretty busty(im a fuckin k cup bro😭) and thicc thighs(thicc thighs save lives, sorry i’ll stop). I dress pretty alternative but i cant just choose one subculture tho, i wear a lot of heavy eye makeup. I could say i dress kinda “showy” but thats kinda what only fits me, but also who gives a fuck.

Im a libra sun, scropio moon, and gemini rising. This means that im a pretty social person and always wanna hang out with friends and just have fun, but moon in scropio makes my emotions rlly haywire and kinda boosts any sorta negative emotion, which is hard when you have chronic anxiety and major depressive disorder. Which also means i take medication for it, which i forget a lot. And because of these things i have anxiety tics, where it ranges to making noices and twitching a bit to full on hitting myself and saying random shit. But I really like making people laugh, it makes me feel helpful, but im also good at being to mother figure for people. I also like playfully bantering with people, like i love you but will full on roast you and get into fake fist-fights. I am a bit of a violent person at times but I have a punching bag and boxing gloves which help a lot. But I only get that angry when someone uses an insecurity of mine against me or is talking bad about someone i love, cause it you do that im beating your ass. I do have a bit of body insecurities mainly about my hip-dips and stomach. But because im curvy i get hit on by adults a lot and its creepy as fuck.

My hobbies include art (painting, drawing), sleeping (because i stay up mad late😭✌🏽), reading comics, Marvel and D.C superheroes, and super villains, cartoons, and anime/manga.

My favorite music genre’s are rock, alternative, emo, rap, and a little bit if indie music.

Personality: funny, sarcastic, creative, kind, inappropriate and the right times. Like im not gonna pull out a dick joke in front of your family

Heres a pic of what i look like cause im bad at describing:

Hi rex! Thank you for the request, and I hope you’re having a wonderful day!

Also including our messages: 

“ rexy26: hi i put in a request but i forgot to mention i wanted it to be romantic pastelslytherin: Noted! Thanks ☆! pastelslytherin: I also want to ask if you’re comfortable with your photos being public. I could always make a text post instead of replying to the ask if you’re uncomfortable with that :) rexy26: yeah im good with photos being public pastelslytherin: Thanks for confirming! I also want to ask which fandom you want rexy26: oh sorry jjk pastelslytherin: Thanks! “

I match you with..

MEGUMI FUSHIGURO

Megumi’s looks and personality contrast and compliment you so perfectly and beautifully. You’re a fun-loving, vibrant person, and he’s a quiet and chill person. You complete each other in the best ways possible. 

His calm demeanor grounds you and keeps you steady, while your disposition brings excitement and radiance to his life. Your unwavering determination to stand up for your loved ones is what draws Megumi to you. Because of this, he decided that you are a good person that he wants to protect. He can tell you how you like to feel helpful to others, so he makes a point to tell you that you don’t need to prove yourself to others. He doesn’t show it a lot, but he cares deeply about you and pays attention to your moods. Overall, your relationship is dynamic and wholesome.  

Headcanons:

He’s quiet but observant. If he notices your anxiety tics acting up, he’ll intertwine his fingers with yours and just hold your hand silently. He just wants to let you know that he’s there for you. His thumb would rub circles on your hand in the meantime. 

He understands that you experience feelings intensely, and even though he might not understand feelings as well as Yuji, he wants to let you talk to him. He’s incredibly patient and he wants to hear how you’re feeling.

He really likes your alternative fashion, even if he doesn’t quite understand fashion himself. He just likes how it looks on you. Sometimes he’ll just watch you do your makeup because he thinks it’s interesting. 

Megumi is a hard person to make laugh, but when you joke with him, he would crack a smile without realizing it. When you point it out, his face would be red while he tries to deny it. 

Oftentimes, he’s the one who reminds you to take your meds

He likes how feisty you can be. He admires that you can stand up for yourself. That said, he still won’t hesitate to beat up anyone who badmouths you or looks at you the wrong way.

Other potential matches:

Nobara Kugisaki

Nobara is a close second. She can match your energy so well, if not more intense and assertive. She’ll defend you adamantly by any means and can match you in playful aggression. The banters never stop with her. You two especially bond over fashion and makeup, and she enthuses about any style you might wear. Your relationship with her would be like sharing a brain cell, as she would be so in tune with you. 

Yuji Itadori

Yuji bonds with you easily over comics, and he excitedly enthuses about his favorite characters with you. He’s super affectionate and can vibe with your outgoing nature. He’s also a ball of positive energy, and he’s very attentive to your emotions. He cares a lot about how you’re feeling and would do anything to help you feel at least a little better.

———

I hope this was alright!

Please look over this post before submitting a matchup request :) Thanks!

[im-not-a-disney-adult-i-swear]

hi may i have a matchup plz

Hi my name is rex, i’m queer and use they/them pronouns and i’m 15. And i would prefer someone not over the age of 19 plz.

have like a caramel colored skin-tone (i feel like saying im black may be easier but 🤷🏽‍♀️) and im 5’3. Rn i have a purple-pink short mullet and i have pretty curly hair, im pretty chubby but i have an hourglass shape (but i have super noticeable hip dips) , i got pretty big fucking tittes (not even in a bragging way, im a fuckin k cup bro😭) and thicc thighs(thicc thighs save lives, sorry i’ll stop). I dress pretty alternative but i cant just choose one subculture tho, i wear a lot of heavy eye makeup. There are times where i dress some what “sexual” but its not sexual cause im 15 and other times i wear a lot of layers.

Honestly I don’t really have a type. Tbh most of my relationships have ended pretty badly cause they ether only wanted something sexual from me or I was “too clingy” when i just wanted basic ass affection. But the most I want is someone who is physically affectionate (like kisses, cuddles, and hugs for days) also im ok with pda to an extent like i will hug and like cuddle you but im not gonna make out with your infront of others thats weird af.

Im a libra sun, scropio moon, and gemini rising. This means that im a pretty social person and always wanna hang out with friends and just have fun, but moon in scropio makes my emotions rlly haywire and kinda boosts any sorta negative emotion, which is hard when you have chronic anxiety and major depressive disorder. Which also means i take medication for it, which i forget a lot. And because of these things i have anxiety tics, where it ranges to making noices and twitching a bit to full on hitting myself and saying random shit. But I really like making people laugh, it makes me feel helpful, but im also good at being to mother figure for people. I also like playfully bantering with people, like i love you but will full on roast you and get into fake fist-fights. I am a bit of a violent person at times but I have a punching bag and boxing gloves which help a lot. But I only get that angry when someone uses an insecurity of mine against me or is talking bad about someone i love, cause it you do that im beating your ass. I do have a bit of body insecurities mainly about my hip-dips and stomach. But because im curvy i get hit on by adults a lot and its creepy as fuck.

My hobbies include art (painting, drawing), sleeping (because i stay up mad late😭✌🏽), reading comics, Marvel and D.C superheroes, and super villains, cartoons, and anime/manga.

My favorite music genre’s are rock, alternative, emo, rap, and a little bit if indie music.

Personality: funny, sarcastic, creative, kind, inappropriate and the right times. Like im not gonna pull out a dick joke in front of your family

I don’t really have a type and im queer so i dont have a gender preference, but anyone who’s love language is physical affection cause im a clingy bitch

I have a couple ideal dates. So the first one is like an indoor picnic and a movie, an arcade date, and a stargazing date where you get take out or fast food and drive up a hill to see the stars and you like cuddle n shit

You didn’t mention a fandom but I just know you would be the perfect match for Peter Parker. But Plot Twist! It’s Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man

Has never had a SO who wasn’t a female- but as soon as he met you he just knew he wanted to be with you

Literal sunshine boi and will do anything to make you happy

Loves your body how it is and absolutely hates when anyone comments on how you look- will legit throw hands with anyone being gross or making rude comments

Cant keep his hands off you- he respects your boundaries but sometimes he just really needs your attention

Took him awhile to get the courage to ask you out- was terrified and thought he wasn’t “cool” enough for you

Feels guilty at first when you tick around him because he was afraid he did something wrong- after you explain he’s very understanding and does his best to remind you to take your meds- but he forgets almost as often as you do

Loves to surprise you with dates

Takes pictures of you all the time

He would tease you about your music taste and try to get you to listen to his music (hozier, glass animals, queen, twenty one pilots, etc)- secretly loves your rock playlist but would never admit it

Loves cuddling but won’t let you get up once he’s comfy- he’s clingy and needy okay?

Thanks sm for the request and also hi bestie I’m a Libra too 👀 bahahaha

[friendlyneighborhoodsagittarius]

Hello may I have a harry potter match up :)

Hi my name is rex, i’m queer and use they/them pronouns and i’m 15. And i would prefer someone not over the age of 18 plz.

have like a caramel colored skin-tone and im 5’3 (short king). Rn i have a purple-pink short mullet and i have pretty curly hair(the ethnic popped off hehe), im pretty chubby but i have an hourglass shape, im pretty busty(im a fuckin k cup bro😭) and thicc thighs(thicc thighs save lives, sorry i’ll stop). I dress pretty alternative but i cant just choose one subculture tho, i wear a lot of heavy eye makeup. I could say i dress kinda “showy” but thats kinda what only fits me, but also who gives a fuck.

Im a libra sun, scropio moon, and gemini rising. This means that im a pretty social person and always wanna hang out with friends and just have fun, but moon in scropio makes my emotions rlly haywire and kinda boosts any sorta negative emotion, which is hard when you have chronic anxiety and major depressive disorder. Which also means i take medication for it, which i forget a lot. And because of these things i have anxiety tics, where it ranges to making noices and twitching a bit to full on hitting myself and saying random shit. But I really like making people laugh, it makes me feel helpful, but im also good at being to mother figure for people. I also like playfully bantering with people, like i love you but will full on roast you and get into fake fist-fights. I am a bit of a violent person at times but I have a punching bag and boxing gloves which help a lot. But I only get that angry when someone uses an insecurity of mine against me or is talking bad about someone i love, cause it you do that im beating your ass. I do have a bit of body insecurities mainly about my hip-dips and stomach. But because im curvy i get hit on by adults a lot and its creepy as fuck.

My hobbies include art (painting, drawing), sleeping (because i stay up mad late😭✌🏽), reading comics, Marvel and D.C superheroes, and super villains, cartoons, and anime/manga.

My favorite music genre’s are rock, alternative, emo, rap, and a little bit if indie music.

Personality: funny, sarcastic, creative, kind, inappropriate and the right times. Like im not gonna pull out a dick joke in front of your family

my description on what i look like isnt the best so here:

Hi! First of all, I wanna say you look amazing in those pictures!!

I would match you with:

Ginny Weasley

Why?

- Ginny doesn't give a fuck about what the world thinks and I have a feeling you don't either

- Ginny is ambitious and goes for what she wants

- You like being the mother figure and since Ginny is used to that from all the older brothers, I thinks she might need it sometimes in a relationship

- You use a punching bag when angry, Ginny uses peoples faces :)

- You're both energetic in a strange but good kind of way

- Both sarcastic as fuck!!

- The two of you are the perfect match but remember that talking about how you feel is also important

- Both of you would just be happy by watching movies all night instead of going out

I hope you enjoy :)

[sposp0]

it’s sinking in rn that it’s getting really bad again. like really bad. 7th grade was the worst year of my life and this is getting to that point if it’s not already there. i’m completely isolated. i don’t speak to my friends. i end up avoiding my family. i lie to my therapist. i’ve developed an eating disorder over quarantine that takes up all my mental energy and leaves me with no physical energy. my grades have never even been near this bad. i��m depressed as fuck. i’m not getting the help i need and i don’t know how to ask for it or what to ask for. i haven’t even had a casual conversation with my friends in weeks, i can’t reach out about how i’m struggling all of a sudden- not to mention my chronic inability to be vulnerable with people. every public action i take is a little cry for help but no one seems to notice or care. no one seems to take my struggles seriously, and i feel bad for being upset with that and even about taking my own struggles seriously, because there’s so much other shit happening in the world that’s so much more important. i’m so overwhelmed with everything all the time and there’s just a constant stream of bad news. i have no real talents or hobbies and i can’t seem to fully commit to or enjoy anything. i’m neglecting all of my responsibilities and flat out forgetting about many of them. i can’t sleep, my relationship with food is absolutely demolished, and i just feel numb to everything.

i know it’s probably better if i don’t complain and drag myself down so much but there’s not much else i can do. life just sucks so bad right now. i’m not suicidal but i feel purposeless. or rather that my only purpose is to restrict and lose weight; and that’s a really shitty purpose i’m stuck with. i know things will get better soon. this summer will hopefully be really fun. but god fucking damn it i am just so tired right now and i know i will be for at least a month more.

[purplesurveys]

1043

survey by egooverdose

Japan: What is one stereotype you associate with Asian countries/people? :/ :/ Uhm...

Jelly Bracelets: Do you have any? In which colors? Have you ever broken one? I seem to have forgotten what these refer to, but I’m sure I had a couple that didn’t last long. I wasn’t much into bracelets as a kid. Joakim Berg: Who is your favorite foreign singer|musician? Do you translate his or her lyrics? Beyoncé, I guess. All Americans are foreigners to me. I don’t translate her lyrics, nor do I do that with any other songs in English.

Josh Todd: Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what made you decide to get them? No, but I’d love a couple that symbolize important things or people, like a bowl of nachos for Nacho and each of my dogs’ pawprints.

kent: Say something in a foreign language? The word ‘kampana’ is Filipino for bell.

Kundera: What is one philosophy you have regarding life|living|purpose? Idk, I’m starting from scratch after the shitstorm that was this year. I have to find one again. I’m not rushing, though, and I want to give myself as long as I need to regather. Fuck knows I need to be kind to myself right now.

Learning: What is something you enjoy learning about? Off the top of my head, anything that doesn’t involve machines tbh. I can read about anything Wikipedia and encyclopedias have to offer, but I draw the line at factories and automobiles and engineering and robots and stuff lmao, it’s just not my thing.

Minimalist Interior Design: How would you design the inside of your own home? You already mentioned it; minimalist. I don’t want a lot of furniture and a lot of color in my space. I’d be happy with a minimal number of items organized in a meaningful way with some pastel shades here and there.

Miserable Weather: What is a weather-type that you like that not many others do? Thunderstorms, I guess? It’s been a hit or miss for me these days though; I’ve found myself crying more when it rains...but for the longest time I’ve enjoyed bleak and rainy weather. I’m not planning to drop it as my favorite just yet.

Morning: Are you friendly in the morning, or are you barely awake? I’m friendly at work from the start to the end of my shift because it’s the nice thing to do, and because I have to be. But I’m almost always anxious and on the brink of breaking down every morning. Since it’s WFH, no one from work has to know that.

Music: How important is music in your life? It’s slowly becoming significant again. I got a Spotify subscription for myself after years of sharing with Gab’s account lol, so I’ve been revisiting the music that I had to set aside for months while I had to grieve on my own. It was brutal the first few days and I cried a lot when I heard my go-to sad songs again, but I soon realized I need releases like that and so I’ve been a little more unafraid to listen to music each day.

Oasis: What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Paramore? HAHAHAHA they were the first band I ever loved, man. And I’m happy I get to say I still very much love them.

Opinions: Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. Abortion being wrong|right, Meat-eating being wrong|right)? If it’s the kind of opinion that will step on fundamental human rights, like being vehemently against same-sex marriage, then we will have a problem. Otherwise, I don’t care if someone prefers Android or having pineapples on their pizza unless they’re being an asshole about it.

Orchids: What is your favorite type of flower? Does it grow where you live? Peonies. Idk, I guess so? I don’t speak flowers.

Outerspace: Do you think there's a possibility of life out there? There sure is; the universe is so vast. I wish we’re able to learn more in this lifetime, though; I wouldn’t want to miss out on future discoveries.

Photo-Editing: Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Sometimes I’ll add a cute or flattering filter; that’s the furthest my editing skills go. I don’t use advanced applications like Photoshop and I don’t know how to remove moles or stray hairs or whatever.

Photography: If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? I’m not into photography per se, like it’s not a hobby of mine or anything; but I do like taking photos of special or funny events. It’s nice to have a memento for a little bit of everything going on in my life.

Poland: Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Yes. Maybe not Norway or Finland levels of cold, but somewhere considerably cooler than the humid hot mess I currently live in. When I went to Jeju four Aprils ago, they had the p e r f e c t temperature I could ever ask for and it was sooooo perfectly and comfortably cold in that I got to walk around in shorts but I never shivered or got goosebumps.

Potatoes: What is your absolute favorite food? It used to be burgers, but my mom has been making so many cheeseburgers the last few weeks that I need to take a break from them lol. Right now, my favorite would be sushi.

Questions: Do you like to ask questions, or answer them? Answer them, hence this blog.

Quirks: What are some weird things about you? Depends on what you count as weird. By far, people have been weirded out the most by the fact that I don’t eat fruits and will avoid them like the plague. I don’t mind the reactions and it’s actually turned out to be a great icebreaker, so I whip out that factoid pretty often haha.

Quizzes: When was the last time you were tested on something? I had a blood test last May because we needed to know if my fever was dengue or something else. Turned out to be a UTI.

Radiohead: Do you like any depressing bands? After Laughter is sad as shit but I wouldn’t say Paramore is generally known by this image. None of the other bands I listen to would count as ‘depressing.’

Rings: How would you describe the size of your fingers? They’re long and slender, which I love.

Satire: Do you enjoy political satire? It’s a hit or miss. I generally don’t seek it out.

Singing: Who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice? Leigh.

Skinny Jeans: Would you wear them? Or do you hate them? I wear them, but I hate them. 

Smashing Pumpkins: Listen to the band, or take it literally and actually GO smash pumpkins? xD Neither.

Snakes: Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? I used to wear leather shoes because it was required for school. I avoid the practice now.

Snow: What, to you, is the best part about snow|snowy weather? You tell me, lol. I’ve never experieinced snow before.

Space: Do you like to have your own space? Are you independent? It’s definitely important to have it every now and then; I’m actually taking this survey from a Starbucks because I needed so baddddd to get out of the house. It’s the first time I’m out on my own without having to do errands since March, and it feels kinda nice.

As for being independent, I’ve been mostly a dependent person and I like having people to lean on, but my breakup has also been pushing me out of my comfort zone and to try out new things just by myself. We’ll see where this takes me in a few months.

Starry Nights: When was the last time you gazed at the night sky? Last Saturday.

Stockholm: What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Do I really have to go to another country for this? Hahahahaha idk maybe Shanghai? The people there were dressed so well when I visited.

Studded Belts: Do you own any? What do you think of them? Nope.

Suave Shampoo: What is your favorite shampoo scent? Brand? I don’t have a preference for either. As long as it’s able to clean my hair, it’s fine.

Sunglasses: What kind do you own|wear, if any? Do you like them? I don’t really. I don’t like my vision getting tinted.

Surveys: How many surveys do you think you have taken since you've started? My old survey blog has nearly 1500 while this one has a little over 1000, then add what’s probably a few hundreds that I did in 5th grade but never saved anywhere...so maybe somewhere between 2500 to 2700 in total? Hahaha I honestly thought it would be more.

Sweden: Do you ever feel like you should have been born in another country? I think nearly everyone from the Philippines thinks this.

Swedish Fish: What is a candy you often enjoy? Gummy anything.

Tea: Do you like tea more than coffee, or the other way around? I love coffee; I’m drinking one right now :D I never enjoyed tea.

The Beatles: My brother gets mad if people say they aren't the best band ever; what about you? Then I guess I shouldn’t be talking to him.

Theories: What do you think will happen to you after you die? Sleep.

Thom Yorke: If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him|her? If we were in a Covid-free society, all I’d ask for is a hug, really. I wouldn’t have anything to ask them.

Thought: What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I’m still grieving about the stuff I’ve already covered.

Thought-Provoking Conversation: What do you consider deep? This would be a little hard to verbalize and I don’t really feel like describing rn. I guess you can say this question in itself is deep, ha.

Tokyo: Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Aw man what an innocent question. I wish I could show this survey-maker what a trainwreck 2020 has been and how ‘busy places’ virtually don’t exist anymore, at least for now.

Unpretentious Gestures: If someone pays you a compliment, do you take it to heart, or do you pass it off as just flattery? I take it to heart, but I’m not always able to receive it well.

Video Games: Do you think they cause people to become violent? No. I spent my childhood going on killing rampages on GTA and I’m still unlikely to resort to violence.

Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? The term ‘low latency.’ 

Warsaw: What is a funny fact about your heritage? Good question, but I can’t think of any at the moment. I don’t really think ‘funny’ when I look for facts to absorb but now I want to look this up haha.

Web Design: Have you or could you build your own site? My principal requirement for my Online Journalism class was to make my own website/blog, actually. But Covid blew up and we ended up having to cancel the entire semester altogether, so my classmates and I never got to pursue more of that class other than our first few meetings, which were used for lectures.

Winter: How long|cold are winters in your area? It does not even exist.

Words: How many pages of words do you think you type a day? Maybe like 5 or 6. It’s a WFH set-up, so I’m exclusively on the laptop typing away the entire week.

Writing: Do you try to avoid it, or do you embrace it? I embrace it as long as I don’t have to write fiction or prose. I like writing, but only through journals and surveys.

[theycallmegothboy]

1-100 >:DDDD REVENGE!!!

FELIXXXXXXXXXXXX >:(( 1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  -spotify  2. is your room messy or clean? -it’s pretty messy i guess  3. what color are your eyes? -blue and grey

4. do you like your name? why? -yeah it’s fine 5. what is your relationship status? -single 6. describe your personality in 3 words or less -certified intrusive thot 7. what color hair do you have? -brown and rn it’s red 8. what kind of car do you drive? color? -i dont have a car 9. where do you shop? -hot topic, goodwill, target 10. how would you describe your style? -comfy emo 11. favorite social media account -of mine, probably discord or youtube 12. what size bed do you have? -twin >:(( 13. any siblings? -i have 1.5 brothers  14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? -probably vancouver, idk canada seems lit 15. favorite snapchat filter? -i like the one with devil horns and a tail but its cute 16. favorite makeup brand(s) -i dont wear makeup 17. how many times a week do you shower? -i used to shower every day, but i dont do anything that gets me dirty so like maybe 3 times but if i leave the house then i shower 18. favorite tv show? -stranger things 19. shoe size?  -8 or 9 20. how tall are you? -5′6 with shoes >:(( 21. sandals or sneakers? -sneakers wtf 22. do you go to the gym? -lol no 23. describe your dream date -making some pie or something together and then eating the pie and then sitting on some rooftop looking at stars 24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? -quite a bit actually but i’m saving up for a phone lol so soon it will be like maybe 10 dollars lmao 25. what color socks are you wearing? -not wearing socks but the ones i had earlier were white (ankle length) 26. how many pillows do you sleep with? -just one but it sucks 27. do you have a job? what do you do? -NO BUT IM TRYING TO GET A JOB BUT THE FUCKIN PEOPLE THERE ARE GHOSTING ME AND WONT REPLY TO MY EMAILS SO LIKE SBJHBJS 28. how many friends do you have? -like 4 lmao 29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? -idk nothing super bad but i do a lot of small shit that makes me feel guilty when i realize what i did 30. whats your favorite candle scent? -juniper rosewood 31. 3 favorite boy names -leo, clay, charlie 32. 3 favorite girl names -ivy, uh... idk thats all ive got 33. favorite actor? -no clue 34. favorite actress? -no clue 35. who is your celebrity crush? -not a celeb but i’d smash danny phantom 36. favorite movie? -nightmare before christmas or edward scissorhands 37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? -no, but my fav book is probably the prince and the pauper? idk 38. money or brains? -CASH MONEYYYY jk probably brains but if your entire personality is being “smart” like fuck off lmao   39. do you have a nickname? what is it? - a bunch of people call me son (see #49, #100), some call me rat, dumdum, goth boy

40.how many times have you been to the hospital? -just once i think when i was birthed. i also went once with my brother cause he kicked some scissors i left out on the floor and it sliced his toe the fuck open and he needed stitches and i watched him get the stitches and almost passed out :/ 41. top 10 favorite songs -please dont make me do this i dont have it in me 42. do you take any medications daily? -yea i take 20mg of vyvanse but i need to get it raised to 30 cause 20 is Not Enough 43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) -i got some dry fuckin skin yall dont even know 44. what is your biggest fear?  -it depends. the dark is a pretty constant one though 45. how many kids do you want? -like 2 or 3 eventually 46. whats your go to hair style? -in my face, looking stupid 47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  -it’s pretty small 48. who is your role model? -i dont fuckin know lmao  49. what was the last compliment you received? - “i belive in you, my son, you’re an amazing human being“ (same friend mentioned in #100, not actually a parent of mine) 50. what was the last text you sent? -”no it’s a raccoon“ YOU GET NO CONTEXT LMAO 51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? -i dont think i ever hardcore believed in him, maybe i did though i remember sleeping under the tree one christmas eve waiting for him but i was like “oh yeah that makes sense“ i guess 52. what is your dream car?  -i honestly dont give a shit as long as it actually fucking works 53. opinion on smoking? -cigarettes? fuck no that’s nastyyy. weed? that’s fine i guess but wait till you’re like 18.  54. do you go to college? -no. am sophomore n highschool 55. what is your dream job?  -musician/palentologist 56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  -fuck the suburbs lmao, but also im tired of rural, so like.. semi urban?? 57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  -no but i take the little soaps >:)) 58. do you have freckles?  -yes 59. do you smile for pictures? -awkwardly, yes 60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?  -dont have a phone but i have like 12 on my computer currently. 4 are of me, the rest are of my cat or random shit 61. have you ever peed in the woods?  -yes 62. do you still watch cartoons?  -cartoons these days kinda suck but like if they were good fuck yeah i would like gravity falls can come hang yknow? 63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? -i had nuggets from mcdonalds today so i guess them? i dont really care 64. Favorite dipping sauce?  -i got sweet and sour but i dont like it that much. that schezuan sauce was great 65. what do you wear to bed?  -wouldnt you like to know? ;))  66. have you ever won a spelling bee?  -NO ive only been in two. the first one i misspelled the word “turmoil“ cause i had never heard it before and the second one i spelled the word “owed“ as “ode“ cause i was thinking like ode to joy and then i felt like a big Fool afterwards :(( 67. what are your hobbies? -lol what hobbies 68. can you draw?  -i am physically able to draw, but not well, no 69 (haha). do you play an instrument? -yeah i play a few 70. what was the last concert you saw?  -i saw Chicago in either georgia or tennessee i cant remember in like 2016 71. tea or coffee? -hot coffee, iced tea. NOT the other way around. (i love both though) 72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? -starbucks 73. do you want to get married? -sure why not 74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? -dont have a crush 75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?  -idk maybe 76. what color looks best on you?  -i dont know but i wear black a lot and that’s pretty dope 77. do you miss anyone right now? -yeah  78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? -closed 79. do you believe in ghosts? -on the fence. not 100% “oh my god look at these gHoSt oRbS i need to sage my house!!!“ but i accept that there’s some things i wont understand about the world and that i have no answers to. i wouldnt be surprised if there are, and i wouldnt be surprised if there aren’t. 80. what is your biggest pet peeve? -whatever my adhd decides i viscerally hate with a firey passion right at that moment  81. last person you called -my brother (the 1 of the 1.5 from #13 and the one who sliced his toe in #40) 82. favorite ice cream flavor?  -chocolate is dope 83. regular oreos or golden oreos?  -regular double stuff. if you say golden, mint, peppermint, or thin oreos i’m gonna have to euthanize you, i dont make the rules.  84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? -rainbow cause it’s prettier  85. what shirt are you wearing?  -queen shirt from hot topic 86. what is your phone background? -i didnt get a phone between question 60 and now but my computer one is some mountains with the moon in the background 87. are you outgoing or shy? -really depends on who i’m around 88. do you like it when people play with your hair? -YES FUCK AAAAAAA (this girl played with my hair literally once in middle school and i was like oh shit and i had a crush on her until the end of middle school true story,,, so ashley if you’re out there-) 89. do you like your neighbors? -to the left they’re fine and their dog is nice but idk what happened to the horses so that’s sus but that’s where our cat came from so they can hang  guess, behind me they’re fine but their boys are loud, to the right they’re fine, and even further to the right are the dope neighbors and waaaaaaaaaay far to the right is a llama and he’s dope as hell 90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? -whenever the fuck i remember to/have the energy 91. have you ever been high?  -i dont think so but i wouldnt put it past myself 92. have you ever been drunk?  -not that i can remember, no 93. last thing you ate?  -sloppy joe from a can 94. favorite lyrics right now -”not gonna waste my life, cause i’ve been fucked up“ 95. summer or winter?  -fall. fuck you 96. day or night?  -night but i like it when it’s actually night and it doesnt get dark at like 4 fucking pm cause that makes me depressed 97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? -dark is good, milk is fine, white is only suitable for fancy stripes on chocolate covered strawberries 98. favorite month?  -i vibe with september 99. what is your zodiac sign -sagittarius (was almost a scorpio but i was holding out >:))) 100. who was the last person you cried in front of?  -in person, my mom like 6 months ago, on a discord call, my friend (i love you by the way, you’re the best,,, i dont think he has tumblr but im just putting it out there) like a month or so ago. i hate crying in front of people, i turn into such a hyperventilating snot monster which is not suitable for human gaze and thats the real tea :/

felix this took like 2 hours of my life i will never get back i hate you and i hope you’re happy with what you’ve done <3 <3

also anyone who wants to stalk me, enjoy this information that im handing to you on a silver platter :)) <3

[broadwaycantdie]

Race’s Quarantine Journal

( Race’s POV ) + ( Diary ) + ( High School AU )

a/n: aka me projecting

sorry this is shitty, i’m just feeling a lot rn and i wanted to get it all out

warnings: mental health, mentions of self harm and death, language

March 10, 2020

Everything has been crazy. People keep talking about some virus going around. It’s probably not too bad, I’ve had the flu before.

March 13, 2020

My school just sent me an email saying we can’t go back until April? Huh? Well at least I can finally get a break. School has been kicking my ass. I need a nice little vacation. I’ll relax and hang out with my friends. A quick little month long break ain’t too bad my senior year.

March 18, 2020

You’re telling me that my teachers are still giving work on this break? And they want me to video chat with them? Hell no. This is my vacation. I’ll just catch up when we go back to school.

March 21, 2020

So my parents aren’t letting me leave the house? It can’t be that bad. Maybe I should do my own research cause there is no way that all these shops should be closing and that I can't leave. I don't know what I’ll do if I’m stuck in this house for a month. All my friends can't leave either. Maybe we can just video chat I guess. I’ll see them soon enough anyway.

March 31, 2020

I’ve done so much research. Everything is so bad. So many people are dying. No one is doing anything about it. Why the fuck isn't anyone doing anything about it? Why are people still going out? Nothing is open. Go home.

April 1, 2020

I woke up today hoping this all was a crazy April Fool’s prank.

I wish I was right.

April 6, 2020

I was supposed to go back to school today.

Instead I got another email saying the closure got extended.

I don’t know when we’ll be able to go back.

April 10, 2020

I’ve been picking up a lot of hobbies.

Mostly I’ve been dancing. It calms my nerves. I’m going crazy in this house.

I tried painting but that got messy. I tried reading some books but words have never been the easiest things for me. I tried playing guitar with an old one I found in the garage but it hurts my fingers too much.

I’ll stick with dancing.

April 15, 2020

I don’t know what else to do. I’ve redecorated my bedroom 3 times and my parents told me if they hear me moving furniture in the middle of the night one more time they’d make me take everything down.

I feel trapped.

April 16, 2020

Maybe I should try to write in here more. That’s the only thing I can think to do. I could do a “what I did today” or a mood tracker. I might actually do the mood tracker but I know all well I won’t do it everyday. Maybe weekly? Maybe every couple days? Maybe whenever I feel like it?

Okay....today I feel: Bored.

April 22, 2020

It's Earth Day. One of my favorite days.

I hope that with the world shut down the Earth can breathe a little easier today.

Today I feel: Hopeful.

April 25, 2020

Today would’ve been my senior prom.

I actually had a date and everything, for the first time. How great would that have been?

I’m not gonna write a lot today. Too sad.

May 1, 2020

I can’t do this much longer. Everything sucks and I feel so stuck. I haven't left my house, I haven't seen my friends, my family is driving me crazy, my sleep schedule is totally fucked, I haven’t been this depressed since middle school, and I can’t do anything about any of it. It fucking sucks.

May 3, 2020

Let’s play a fun game. Okay so I’ll start with 10 fingers up and if this thing has happened put a finger down.

Okay so put a finger down if you really liked someone and you had a good thing going with them but you let the worst person in your life convince you that you shouldn't be with them and that they were the problem so you had to hurt the person you really liked to make the worst person feel better cause they manipulated you and took control of your brain and then the person you liked ended up dating one of your friends and you couldn't even be mad at them cause they were so happy and cute and you were happy for them both but then they broke up and you don’t know if it’s cool to talk to the guy you liked cause your friend is the ex and you haven't talked to them in a long time and they probably hate you cause you hurt him and he wouldn't understand cause your excuse is so shitty and you guys are now so different and life is just really hard and you think about what y’all had and miss it so much cause it was so good and thats all you want, to be loved, and you know it’ll never be the same so you don't even bother.

I’m down to 9 fingers.

God I fucking miss him.

May 4, 2020

For a long time I’ve convinced myself I don’t deserve love and I really think it’s true. That’s all I’ve ever wanted but I’ve done so many bad things what if no one wants me?

Everyone hates me. My friends only pretend to like me. I don’t understand why someone would want to be friends with someone like me. I’m so difficult.

May 6, 2020

It feels like I dropped out.

I’m not doing any school work. I missed my prom. I probably won't have a graduation ceremony. Worst part is, I didn’t drop out. I can’t just move on. I have to just sit with this.

I guess it's not hitting me as hard as some other people because I didn’t even plan to be alive this long so I was already prepared to miss them. It’ll probably hit me soon tho. I just won't let myself breakdown. Not yet.

May 8, 2020

Can I just say something?

I’m so fucking tired of being alone.

Not just cause quarantine, like in general. I want to be loved but I have to fuck everything up all the time, God why am I so stupid all the time?

And I don’t mean my friends just saying “oh I love you!” like no, thats nice, but at the end of the day that’s not the kind of love thats going to marry me, or hold me when I can’t sleep at night, or cook dinner with me.

I’m so tired of being undeserving and undesirable. What is wrong with me? What does everyone hate so much?

If I’m being honest, I cry every night because of this loneliness I feel. I just want it to stop.

May 10, 2020

My panic attacks are getting worse. For no reason.

I panic over things that 3 months ago I would've just pushed away. But now this isolation and fear is making everything so bad.

I started seeing things again. I started picking and twitching and shaking again. I haven't been this bad in a long time. How long before the thoughts come back? The urges? Will I be able to stop them this time? I hope so. I really hope.

May 13, 2020

So I’ve officially reverted back into my childhood state of watching old cartoons all day for any sort of serotonin. It's working a little ngl.

May 15, 2020

I picked up my yearbook today. I drove to my school and they handed it to me through a window. Can’t get it signed, can’t see anyone, can’t do anything.

I don't know if I have the strength to look through it right now knowing I might never see these kids again.

May 17, 2020

I had one of the worst episodes in a while today.

I saw this video and I don’t wanna talk about it cause I don't want to think about it but it made me twitch and shake for so long.

I couldn’t stop. I was so scared. I picked at my skin for a long time. I couldn't open my eyes. My head hurts from shaking for so long.

I just want to go to sleep.

May 20, 2020

My parents are so clueless. Do they really not know? Do they choose to look past it? Do they know and not want to say anything?

Can they not see that I’m not fucking okay?

There is no way they don’t notice how I twitch and shake and pick at my skin. They can’t ignore my tear soaked face almost daily. They might not see when I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and desperately try to calm myself. But they never ask me if I’m okay.

The answer is “no” if they ever decide to ask.

May 23, 2020

I’m official a high school graduate!

Though it doesn't really feel like it.

I drove to the school and picked up my diploma and that was it. A masked “congratulations” and a piece of paper and that was that.

Congrats to me though. I guess.

May 27, 2020

I feel so empty.

Actually, I don't feel anything.

I just sit here. I don't remember when I last ate. I haven’t gotten out of bed. Haven’t watched anything. Just thinking.

Today is not a good day.

I don't want to be alive today.

I just hope the urges stay at bay. I don't know if I can stop myself this time.

May 30, 2020

I wish I was dead.

Everything I love is being taken away from me.

I want to kill myself. I haven’t felt like this in years. Everything is only getting worse and I can't stop it.

I want to but I can’t. If I try and fail thats selfish cause I’d be taking up space in the hospital for people who actually need it.

I’m useless. I’m powerless. I want out.

May 31, 2020

I’m so sick. I’m so weak. My head is killing me.

I’m not sick, I just feel shitty. Not an uncommon feeling.

I don’t know how much longer I can fight off the urges.

I’m sorry.

I wish I was sick. It would make this whole thing easier. I feel like this will never end. I want out.

I’m sorry.

[existentialburden]

all!! please talk about your ocs!!!!

:OOOO I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU.... (for real thank you I’m super out of it rn, assignments have me fucked up) this is goin under a read more because I am going to go OFF

who’s friends with who? what are the squad dynamics like?

okay so with my ocs let’s start with C9 in general! the entire session has a sort of tense vibe with everyone together but it’s the type where they all know if they need to they can rely on each other. it’s just the situation making them all volatile.

for squads Aila has her moirail squad with two of my pal’s ocs, Lyla and Kodi, and it’s just all comfort there. Lyla and Kodi make sure that Aila doesn’t go off and fume by herself when she’s pissed off, Kodi and Aila make sure Lyla’s not just staying in the depression hive that is her room, and Lyla and Aila make sure Kodi doesn’t hide away and sew for hours when he gets upset. it’s mostly a “get the fuck over here and socialize instead of dwelling on every bad thought” crew but sometimes it’s just about sitting in the same room as someone else. and sending memes to each other. she also considers Dukkel a friend, but that vibe is more of a “Dukkel is manipulative and Aila is too volatile to be effectively manipulated” sorta deal. they hang out though and genuinely enjoy each other’s company so I’m counting it. she’s also pals with Joel (not mine)- she does think she has a crush on him? but she’s always real unsure of these things. either way she likes being around him and he likes being around her. that vibe is “awkward but in a cute dorky way”. also friends with Hurlii (also not mine) but they’re... dating?? hate-dating??? they both refuse to pin that down but they sit under the stars and vent a little bit to each other and get out their emotions and it’s cute. I’ve written about them cuddling before it’s adorable. her and Louise swap memes sometimes so y’know what that’s a friendship too. and she talks to a group of horrorterrors who gossip about her sessionmates with her. Aila has a lot of connections because she’s the Session Leader and also she’s tiny so everyone goes “:O a baby....”. sort of the same way you let your little sibling hang out with you and your pals because they get so excited about it.

Hope is friends with a DIFFERENT pal’s oc, Kori. their vibe is also comfort and chillin. Kori reassures Hope that no, not being able to talk to people is not bad and people don’t hate you. Hope listens when Kori talks about timeline stuff and helps her take precautions to soothe her anxiety. they’re also the alchemiter squad figuring out how to make new objects all the time. they stick real close. Hope’s also pals with Kodi! Kodi actually mediates between her and Aila. Hope can cut loose a little around Kodi and ends up with a surprisingly carefree attitude around him. things are a LITTLE awkward between them but they’re buds. Kodi keeps her in check. (Hope’s also friends with Lyla, kind of? they’re hate-dating but they are so soft for each other.) she used to go play poker with some SBURB constructs but :( no more.

Fantra is moirails with Panda (just assume if they don’t end up with their own list they’re a pal’s oc okay) and they vibe. there’s a little more flirting than necessary in their friendship and they DEFINITELY cuddle. they’re actually really adorable. again, I don’t know if dating counts, but Fantra’s dating Lyla and they’re cute but still sort of figuring things out. Fantra gives Lyla all the attention she asks for and it’s adorable.

Dukkel is sort of friends with Aila but I already talked about that. she doesn’t have a lot of friends other than Ails, actually. it’s. kind of sad? but he doesn’t really go out of his way to befriend people. she has more connections, just not... positive ones.

NOT ALL OF THE ALPHAS ARE FLESHED OUT SO I SWEAR THEY HAVE MORE CONNECTIONS BUT

Mell is pals with Dott and they’re fucking chaotic. I adore them but oh jeez. Mell’s the Responsible One and she’s not responsible at all she just used to pick Dott up from parties and then hold her hostage to help redesign furbies. they’re great. actually, the entire alpha session is great because they’re all in a D&D group. Mell sometimes chats with Cole and thinks he’s alright but also a huge NERD and jokingly makes fun of him for it. Cole doesn’t mind because he is, in fact, a massive nerd. (also Mell ends up dating Lyla it’s a whole thing don’t worry about it they’re adorable)

outside of her session she’s friends with Orca in a sort of “hey this kid needs more friends. now they’re the designated little sibling of the squad” way. she teaches them cool new horrific crafts. Mell just can’t let them sit there when their two friends are busy smh come join in craft time and also here’s how to play D&D. it’s real nice!

Cole is dating Peri! they co-DM in oneshots and he fleshes out NPCs while she worldbuilds and it’s adorable. they’re soft and sweet and cuties. also chats with Mell as I said before!

ALTS: the session as a whole is messy. everything runs fine but it’s less a team and more a bunch of people forced to work together. they’re pretty good at doing things they don’t want to do, though, so gg.

Enny’s friends with Juli. Juli calls her out on her bullshit and Enny holds Juli accountable for her own messes. they’re more functional than they look. Enny is also friends with Kods (not Kodi. alt Kodi.) and they consider themselves siblings even if the specifics are a lil wild. they threaten each other but they don’t usually mean it. they care about each other. also they shared a creepypasta phase that tbh Enny never got over. she’s also kind of pals with Jess but in a “thank you for helping me keep these guys in check. in return I will not swear at you” kinda way and just. mutual understanding of being stubborn when it comes to working at things. 

outside of just the alt C9 crew (and delving into SPACE PIRATE TERRITORY): Enny’s also pals with Cece (yet another pal’s OC! the only pal mentioned that technically doesn’t work on the Official C9 Stuff but whatever I love him so much. all of the ones mentioned “outside their session″ are his <3!!!!) even though they stopped hanging out as much. Cece taught her how to paint and have a decent hobby and Enny appreciates it every day. their friendship is dear to my heart. makes me feel nice. Enny is friends with Tate too! they roomed together on the spaceship and even though they aren’t too talkative with each other sometimes that isn’t necessary. also kinda pals with Jody? they don’t hang out too much but Enny secretly thinks she’s a friend. they’re the short Light player squad. too curious for their own good. it got kinda hard for them to talk to each other in person because of an incident but Enny still thinks she’s cool and nice. and there’s Echo! Echo’s her friend and therapist who taught her how to talk about her feeeeelings. which is VERY important. everyone say thank you Echo. Enny enjoys his company and y’know it’s sometimes (SOMETIMES) nice to be totally open. hard but nice. well. it’s complicated. but thank you Echo. .....ENNY IS ALSO PALS WITH [REDACTED]. in “canon” right now they’re “rivals to acquaintances” but they have pet names for each other so what is the truth. they’re very cryptic and trade information but that means Enny’s actually very honest with him so they’re. adorable. they care a lot about each other and try to help each other when they need it. it’s so cute. I’m soft for them. they’ve always had a certain level of respect for each other and I VIBE WITH THAT. love me some respect and comfort in this house. also they totally cuddle.

Deuuuux is friends with Juli. Juli may be blunt and harsh in her humor but Deux vibes with it. she knows she’s just being snarky for the sake of being snarky. they hang out and it’s all very cool and fun. also pals with Kods, but that’s a LITTLE more strained. they still hang from time to time but it’s hard for Deux to tell when he needs his space. also hate-dating Jess but no, actually, they end up being like “wait this is stupid I don’t think I actually hate anything about you. which makes this just dating. ...heck yeah.” Jess keeps tabs on Deux’s volatile mental state and Deux makes sure SHE’S doing okay. like hey take a break. you deserve good things too.

outside of the alt C9 crew Deux is close with Wynn! they have a more sibling bond than anything else. found family. added onto this because Deux actually has a real squad, holy shit, is Echo! Deux is the Official Captain, Wynn made the spaceship they’re on, and Echo is the ship advisor. Deux goes to them when she wants a second opinion on things, which is a lot of the time. Echo is constantly side-eyeing Deux’s depression. it’s hilarious and I love them A LOT. SO MUCH. Deux and Wynn are also the ship chefs, though Wynn more so than Deux. I choose to believe they work on recipes together but that’s just me. Deux is also friends with [REDACTED 2], even if it was shaky at first. they bond over their annoyance at [REDACTED]- and they both get the feeling of being overworked and then looking over at other people goofing off. like damn, a little help here please? they’re so tired. Deux is so tired. someone give her a break.

West! is not C9, technically, but they’re still mine so :P. West is best friends with Fern and they game together. they like to try and fuck up games with West posing hypothetical glitches and Fern pulling them off. also they just hang out and it’s all fun times with them. West is also kinda pals with Alex- sometimes they hang and Alex gave West his old glasses for them to pop out the lenses and wear so that was cool of him. they just vibe and Alex thinks it’s nice that West appreciates their humor.

outside of their session they’re friends with Ulfort and Hazel! they’re a squad. Ulfort is the Responsible One, Hazel is the Bad Influence, and West is the Impressionable Chaos Enabler. I love them all. they goof and have a good time but also worry about each other and that’s real sweet. also Enny and [REDACTED] but in a parental figure sort of way so I’m only including it here and not in Enny’s- also because it’s only in certain aus. also only in certain aus is their friendship with Orca. they bond over similar excitable traits and they started out a little rocky but they’re friends!

Hazeee is also best buds with Fern! sure Haze is crushing on Fern but that doesn’t mean they aren’t pals. they support each other emotionally and also they’re totally both furries. like Fern COULD show her fursona to West and they’d support her but it’s not their interest so they don’t really know how they’re supposed to react so Fern and Haze get the fun of a mutual interest. Haze is also pals with June- xe’s Haze’s right-hand. June helps advise Haze and proposes new ideas and also teases Haze for crushing on Fern. it’s all in good fun though.

Fern is just pals with West and Haze and they’re both her best friends. no she will not rank them. she shouldn’t have to.

outside of her session sheeee’s totally in love with Ulfort and Rita. interacting with Ulfort she’s likes to try and make him flustered a lil bit. with Rita she’s much more shy about it. it’s so cute. she thinks they’re both very very pretty. this is still only in certain aus because otherwise they don’t interact... ...unless? hmu my boyyyyy show me the canon we could have had/can have [eyes emoji]

June is best friends with Alex. they thrive off their differences but June enjoys getting to just have FUN with Alex and Alex loves having support from June. they hang ALL THE TIME. they support each other and tease each other and make sure they know where the lines are. June’s also pals with Haze as mentioned above!

outside of xir sesh June’s pals/something else ;) with Orca. but like. only in certain aus. they’re. how do I describe this without getting into the aus. uh. they’re cute as hell okay? Orca spoils June and June lightly teases Orca and they’re adorable. they care about each other so so much.

Alex is besties with June and pals with West. yes he plays favorites :P.

Theo and Fate are best friends and found-family twins and they’re chaotic as a duo. Fate describes emotions to Theo and Theo describes colors to Fate and that’s adorable but Fate’s encouraging Theo to make horrorterror deals and Theo’s like what if I abused my god tier powers instead and it’s CHAOS. I love them so much. no one else they’re all they’ve got babey!

Luca is dating Elli and Julius (who are also dating) and they’re a squad all on their own. Elli and Julius are weebs and Luca makes fun of them for it but he’s the one dating them so rip. Luca loves them both so much but him and Elli have more of a “childhood friends” vibe (because they are) and Luca and Julius have a “flirt vs one very pretty boy” vibe (because that’s exactly what’s going on these aren’t vibes these are just what’s happening). they’re all ADORABLE. none of them have any other friends but specifically Luca doesn’t because he’s mine and he’s lonely. rip.

Orca is pals with/dating June as mentioned above! and pals with West! and friends with Mell!

I’m not gonna get too into the SBURB 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO squad because the friendships aren’t entirely fleshed out but Pistol and Spike are friends and Spike’s totally crushing on Pistol and it’s cute. they’re cute. I rest my case.

I’M GONNA DO THE REST OF THE QUESTIONS IN A REBLOG BECAUSE DEAR GOD.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[asiryn]

this post is going to be very rambly, so i apologize in advance. if you’re potentially interested in my liveblogs, and/or interested in hearing a bit about my current life and disability issues, tune in. if you aren’t, then....keep scrolling i guess XD

(if you just want the current liveblog schedule, scroll to the bottom)

[and this got predictably very long, so i’m gonna put it behind a cut for convenience] 

up to recently, my main liveblogs have been about the pokemon anime, with a few other shows, books, and especially video games sprinkled in here and there. essentially, waaaay back in yonder year of 2014, netflix added the first season of pokemon, the indigo league, to their site, and i, in a fit of nostalgia, made the veeery questionable decision to watch all of the pokemon anime---rewatching the stuff i hadn’t touched since i was kid, and then continuing on into the unknown, and watching all the seasons from gen 3 onward that i had missed due to dropping out of pokemon. i only really started actually making liveblog posts once i hit gen 3, then i stayed consistent-ish from then onward. (for the curious, i’m up to sun & moon, and i have 44 episodes left until i finish it (i’m not ready ;;;; ), and then netflix actually just dropped the first 12 episodes of the newest series, pokemon journeys, so....56 until i’ve caught up with the dub XD)

so, all of y’all who climbed aboard with those liveblogs are probably already aware of Who I Am, at least a little. (....this is making it sound like i’m Some Big Name in liveblogging, but i’m not really anything of the sort, just so we’re all on the same page XD) at least, in terms of the fact that i’m physically disabled, suffer from chronic pain, etc. but recently, i’ve joined two new fandoms, and i’ve begun liveblogging spop and my next life as a villainess. and my spop posts in particular are already becoming some of the most popular posts i’ve ever done (like wow, you guys). and i think part of that popularity is due to the fact that these are two pretty recent, pretty popular fandoms (tho i do also like to think that i do make good content XP). but the point is that quite a lot of new ppl are coming across me, and idk how much, if any, of you have taken the time to look at my bio or anything. so i guess....part of this post is just some ruminations, but also my way of letting you know more of what you’re getting into. 

so, for those who don’t know: hi, you can call me kiryn, i liveblog stuff sometimes, and i’m physically disabled. i suffer from intense, constant, chronic pain. it stems from a bone disease called HME, or hereditary multiple exostosis, if you’re curious (i have a severe case of it, joy of joys). the short version of what that means is that i have a lot of bone spurs everywhere on my body, and they....cause me a lot of pain. basically, i cannot do any kind of sustained activity without the already significant, never-ceasing pain that i feel cranking up to unbearable levels, and basically i’ll be rendered immobile. i do have pain meds that i take, and that very much help to take the edge off, and make it so that i can function at all (bc, believe fucking me, w/o them, i wouldn’t be able to achieve even the little i can do), but even with them, it only makes a dent in my pain levels, and again, sustained activity makes up that difference very quickly. 

now, the gist of this stuff i’ll mention from time to time, but....i don’t usually go into much detail about it (and this post is probably the most detailed i’ve been about my condition in years). bc, quite frankly, it’s depressing. (and seeing as i also already have clinical depression, that’s definitely not something that i need more of XD) i participate in fandoms for escapism, and bc i don’t really want to think about that crushing mountain of reality. i’ve had this condition since birth, and i’ve literally lived my entire life in constant pain, and i honestly have no fucking idea what it even feels like to be painless. and what’s even worse is that it’s a degenerative disease---essentially, the bone spurs are wearing down my joints, so....my entire condition will just keep worsening as i get older. (and no, surgery to remove the spurs isn’t really an option.) i’ll be 29 next month, and i can already tell you, i’ve been feeling that decline sharply. when i was a kid, i could still run. by the time i was a teenager, i couldn’t even do that anymore; the best i could manage was a jog. now....i don’t think i could even do that. 

i guess the main point in why i’m saying all this, is that for the last year especially, i’ve been dealing with the worst downward swing that i’ve had in years. in my late teens and early-mid 20s, i got into a pretty good rhythm, of knowing my body’s limits, how to budget spoons to accomplish things, etc. but now even that fragile equilibrium has been thrown out the window, and i’m currently struggling to learn the new limits and rhythm of this downward swing that is unfortunately now my reality. even before, i was pretty limited on what i could accomplish, but even that narrow window has shrunk even further. so basically, i’m in the testing zone still. and it’s a very slow process, bc once i exceed the limit, my body breaks down, and now it takes me even longer to recover. as an example, i used to know that i could wake up in the morning and get ready to leave the house in 20-30 mins. now? i need at least an hour, which involves me pushing through a wave of agony to be able to take my pain meds in the first place, and then wait for those meds to kick in and the pain to die down enough to move without feeling like i’m moving through a wall of spikes. (and that’s just the start of every day for me, and before even throwing in all of the other variables)

so, coming back to the liveblogs......obviously, that’s affected by all this too. if you’ve wondered why there’s been a gap between me finishing up spop s1 and starting s2....that’s why. partly, i didn’t expect how analysis-heavy i was going to get on spop; pokeani just doesn’t tend to be as consistently thematically deep, so those liveblogs took far less out of me than spop has, and pushing myself to finish 5 episodes in one day....well, it was too much. and the thing is, it’s obviously unhealthy for me to continually push myself to the point of total breakdown, so...that’s where learning my new limits comes in. so, these past few days, i’ve been thinking, and essentially trying to better figure out how to do liveblogs like this without pretty much killing myself in the process (bc i honestly do love making them....i mean, if i didn’t, then it really wouldn’t be worth the literal pain it takes to make them XD). and also there’s a component of managing my anxiety-brain, bc leaving things Unfinished stresses me out, and so when coming to terms with the fact that it’s going to take me awhile to finish one show....knowing that i’d be leaving others hanging....Doesn’t Help XD

so, here’s what i’ve got so far (and obvs, this is subject to much tweaking in the future XP)

currently, i’m watching 4 shows: pokeani, good omens, villainess, and spop. villainess rn is the least of my worries, bc 1 ep is coming out a week, so it’s not demanding a lot of my time. 

for the other 3, here’s the preliminary schedule i’ve sort of hashed out:

- pokeani sm103-106

- spop s2

- pokeani sm107-110

- spop s3 

- pokeani sm111-114

- spop s4

- pokeani sm115-118

- spop s5 

- pokeani sm119-122

- good omens

- pokeani sm123-126

- [catch up block] (i don’t have a good track record in keeping up with ongoing shows, so if i fall behind on villainess, this is where i can catch up)

- finish pokeani sun & moon [sm127-146] (the league starts on ep 128, so i’d rather not experience any big interruptions in the battles XD)

basically, i’ve given myself a limit of 4 pokeani eps in a single session (bc as stated, they don’t take as much out of me), and with spop, the most i’ll let myself watch in a row will be 3 eps (s2 will probably be broken up into a 3/2/2 block, s3 a 3/3 block, and s4&5 will be a 3/3/3/2/2 block).

now, keep in mind that i’m very deliberately making no guarantees about specific days, bc who even knows, but at the very least, scheduling and talking it all out like this will help me to better manage my spoons, and if you’ve actually read this far, then you’ll know the method in the madness and why i’m doing things this way. XD the vague goal is to get in a least 1 liveblog session a week (plus a bonus of the new villainess ep on saturdays)---at least for the shows. i’m still having to working out what i’m going to do about video games....maybe i should just go on a ‘once a week’ model for all my hobbies across the board XDD

in the next couple of days, i’ll be posting that in-depth look into all the ships of villainess (it started as me just pecking down a few thoughts while i was taking a social media break due to the Current Events, but now i’m at the point where i’m like, i’ve put too much effort into this to not post it, damn it XP), and then depending on spoons, i’ll try to start in on that schedule this week, so stay tuned for some pokeani! (again....i’ll try to hit at least 1 liveblog a week before i start trying to get more ambitious XDD)

in any case, if you have stuck through to the end, thank you very much. your support means a lot to me 💖