#i just end up buying things myself
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someone tell me to stop spending moneyyyy
#me#mine#rant#normally#at this time of year#i dont buy myself things because i know i put out a christmas list for my family#but unfortunately as my interests become more niche#and sometimes time sensitive#i just end up buying things myself#my family was not going to buy me $20 toothpaste from japan#nor were they going to pre-order alien stage merch#or even a year ahead preorder the outer wilds art book collectors set#no no those were things i had to do myself
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Sorry I've been posting a lot today, I promise I'll STFU after this until The Savage and the Sanctuary is ready, but it's just been a weird time and I'm feeling weird and I think there's a lot of that going around?
I haven't ever spent much time thinking about whether or not I should be in fandom. I've always loved things deeply and intensely to the point of obsession, from books I read until they fell apart to the VHS copies of Star Wars I wore out in childhood, I've kind of always been this way. I didn't think I'd ever grow out of it. Maybe I was supposed to and I missed that boat, I don't know.
Whatever the reason, here I am, obsessing yet again, this time over Joel Miller and Din Djarin and Francisco Morales and Oberyn Martell and so many other characters brought to life by an incredibly talented artist. But I wanted to take a moment and thank you lovely people for obsessing alongside me. Fandom, as it happens, is way more fun when there are people in it with you willingly instead of dragged along. I feel very blessed to share this space with so many kind, thoughtful and creative fellow fans and I'm so thankful that you've let me spend time here with you.
I know things are odd right now. But I know we can take care of each other through it, too. Please take a moment to be kind today - be it to yourself, to a stranger on the street, to someone here on good ol' Tumblr dot com - and try to spread a little love if you feel up for it. I think it would make our favorite actor smile if you did.
In the meantime, I'm trying to navigate my own stuff. But I applied for graduate school and bought myself flowers today at work so there will at least be something in bloom around here for a little while, anyway.
Thank you for being here, thank you for being you, and take care of yourselves out there.
Love you!
#just kit things#sorry you end up having to read my ramblings#I can buy myself flowers apparently?#oh no not the discourse#the discourse I guess#cw discourse
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pros of being mostly immune to online impulse purchases: I can save my money and use it on more necessary things, like rent and groceries
cons of being mostly immune to online impulse purchases: I don't get to have The Thing
#sobbing crying etc etc. I'm okay just dumb#ordered a custom thing but the colors ended up looking different from how I thought they would. 0 dead 1 dying of Stupid About It (me)#it's still very cool in its own right and it was Expensive for us. it was just me fucking up and choosing the wrong color...#and there's no real way to request a different version without just. buying a new one basically#but the site is still having a sale and it's chewing at me so bad right now. but it's not something I can afford to impulse buy#and even if somebody did just plop a big donation/order a big commission etc etc right now I still couldn't justify it#because there are other things I should take care of first#instead of replacing something that's not technically broken. it's literally just not the color I thought it would be but aaaUUUUUUUGHHHH.#I'm just mad and sad and tired and stressed and should go to bed and stop thinking about it. it's fine. it's literally fine.#just kicking myself for it and about a billion other tiny stupid things right now.#storm speaking
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we need to start funding more research aiming to figure out why eating breakfast is so bad and impossible and miserable
#i literally try to coax myself into eating breakfast by buying things i love and even then i just stare at the plate like ''.......''#and i end up drinking orange juice and black coffee
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If I close my eyes and concentrate realllyyy hard I can pretend im in my animal crossing room
#im in need of a change I don’t like the way im living rn.. a lot of my belongings were picked out for me#by people who thought their way of doing things was better and Ive had to find workarounds my whole life bc of how I live differently#Ive never thought of myself as someone who cares abt how their room looks. but i want it to have things I like even if its just preference#Ive thought abt it for a while and I dont think Im picky I just dont like it when ppl buy me things expecting me to use it the way they#expect me to.. I just end up with a lot of crap that I feel too guilty throwing away just bc someone thought of me#the only way I can describe my taste is that I know what I’ll like when I see it.. if I can clearly see myself making the most out of it#if I constantly have to use workarounds just to use smth you decided for me im not gonna wanna use it unless I have to#literally i could not be bothered to pull out a notebook and write down important information until I got a blues clues notebook#because I liked it and it made it fun for me to whip out that I actually wanna use it. yknow#so rn im trying to get a drafting table because the one that came with my loft bed is ass and I cant cut my prints on it#I end up cutting on the floor and my back hurts if I do it too long.. and I wanna get a bookshelf for my closet and a bench for my bag#things Ill look at and want to use because I already knew how I wanted to use it and just do it without thinking too hard#yapping#diary
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i need a job
#^ he looked at a bunch of lolita dresses#maybe j could have One expensive hobby. Once i get my apartment#i was thinking abt maybe spending my bday christmasnmoney.... my papaw gave me 100 for christmas and i got 20 for helping dogsit dozer#so i currently have 120 dollars In my life. technically its like 121.37 or some shit I dont check my bank acct bc it makes me want to vommy#but once the bday money clmes in i might be able to get somethjng nice But it would be more responsible to save it for my apartment But i#have moments of weakness frequently so if i try to save it i may end up Instead making a bunch of small stupid shitty purchases instead of#spending it on something i rly want. you know ...#idk it just doesnt feel right for me to spend my bday/christmas money on something so frivolous Dont yell at me i know it just feels like i#isnt rly my money to spend . sigh#oh its eating me for this. Disclaimer the real reason i need a job is so i can help my family and help pay mortgage and buy groceries and#also save up to move out so that im not being a burden on them anymore and this is a moment of me being irresponsible and wanting to spend#money on myself but thats only in a hypothetical scenario where im fully moved out and also have money leftover After helping my family .#and donating and doing good things . and Then is when id maybe buy myself a little treat every couple of months#okay .
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Challenge level: Impossible (Patreon)
#Doodles#Spoiler alert: I was in fact not normal about it lol#You can tell those first two are old by comparison for how short my hair was at the time lol#From back in July! I guess I just hadn't been drawing myself much there for a bit huh#As for that last one I swear I Promise I drafted this in September it's not a reference I'm just actually genuinely Like This lol#I didn't choose this life etc. etc. lol#From the top!#Burst of inspiration wherever could that have come from hehe <3 What could've happened in July that made me want to draw I wonder hehehe#Bit funny considering I fell off posting - not like the inspiration stopped! And what I Did draw was Very lol#I still have some of it in an ever-present photoviewer because I like being able to look at it at any point <3#Still inspired! Still want to do more studies!! So pretty ♥♪♫#Sleepy thoughts - I had my Pkmn Diamond/SoulSilver field dex/guides for all of like two months and then they were packed up again#And this was Before the Pokemon burst! Sheesh sheesh#I love my field guide dexes they're so neat and well-made ahh#I have got a couple craft projects still back-burnered - those papercrafts to do with Pokemon are still on the list!#A little Pokedex-notebook is so fun.......And I have Pokemon stickers that I could put in it or on it......ah........#I do want to! I will at some point the energy will return to it eventually#Alright so the main course lol#Went fabric shopping for plushies because yes I Am determined to Make Thing! Another that's been a bit backburnered - but I will!!!#I do still really want to it's turned out pretty good for far :) But while I was shopping!!#We did the usual small talk thing with the store employee like ''Oh what are you buying this for'' that whole back-and-forth#So I explained that I was making plushies and needed the tear-away stabilizer to draw the embroidery outline on#In my head I was being very tempered because while /I/ know that I'm making a Max plushie not many people are familiar with him (wrongly so)#Lol#So we continued and he was like ''Oh cool I've made some patches with embroidery :)'' so I asked of what and he lead with CotL's crown#And then-#Look Zarla's work was Already on my mind with Max as my project I was in a Delicate Way already do you really expect me not to talk about it#The answer was no and he walked away with a Vargas recommendation in his pocket I hope he enjoyed it lol#And I got my fabric and started work on Max's face it's fine it all worked out in the end it's all good it's great lol#I Was encouraged to come back with my finished project so that's on my to-do once I get him in a presentable state haha
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guys how long do you think itll take before the spider hell comes
#shining nikki#i told myself this anniv's suits were not my thing but jokes on me i do like nightmare...........#every time i dont buy the presale pack i end up blowing a lot of gems on the hell anw LOL 💀💀💀💀#pwease i just want the top.........
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I am having the worst three days in a row I could possibly have right now and i just accidentally slept all day so now my sleep is going to be completely fucked yayyyyyy
#me :)#i had like 3 panic attacks last night haha hooray i love being in college#and then i had to emergency apply for a vet care credit card bc i didnt find out how much my cat's teeth cleaning would be and then it was#800 dollars !!!!!!!!!#which i cant ask my parents to pay right now. because they are paying for a new phone for me because mine decided to die last night yippie#and also my stupid fucking dead cousin's death anniversary is coming up i hate that guy so much#and im not going to do anything but ive had such an intense shot of stress all at once that my brain is defaulting back to if any minor#inconvenience happens we should just kill ourself so i keep thinking about throwing myself into traffic. and now i have to pay off a fuckin#800 hundred dollar bill while im trying to save up to be able to move out to my own place with my partner once my lease ends. so its going#pretty good all things considered#collapses in a pile on the floor screaming and crying and vomiting#also i missed my school's free food thing today and i have none of my credit cards right now because i lost them all last weeeeeek and i#cant afford to buy groceries right now! so i dont even get to have food i like#and i missed it because i was asleep all day because i couldnt fall asleep till late last night because i had to distract myself from#thinking about killing myself and then i had to get up at 8 am to take my cat to the vet. and i had to miss one of my three excused labs#this semester#so its awesome. its awesome
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April 1 - April 7, 2024; truly a week i have to be thankful for. this week will stay with me for a long time 🤎
#my friend ended up getting me the snuff bottles in the fourth pic :] <3#i've always wanted to collect chinese snuff bottles and these were exactly my taste so it's so cool that she got them for me#agh what a nice week#there's a lot not pictured. toned my hair brown after wanting to for weeks. cried a lot because of good and bad things but it was for good#reasons. i ate good food and had many many laughs#i bought myself a lot of bday gifts. money is usually smth im stressed about but i let myself buy things just bc i wanted them#anyways. i have a lot of love in me and around me rn and it's truly smth i dont take for granted <33#this week
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Dont buy the computer Acer brand just because it is called Acer dont buy the computer Acer brand just because it is called Acer dont buy the computer Acer brand just because it is called Acer don-
#finally snapping and buying a chromebook of my own. A super cheap one for like 50 bucks. Because literally all I want it for is just for-#-writing on.#I went on a huugee tangent about computers not even smart geeky stuff just literally my own personal ramblings and I proceeded-#to waffle on to where it was that Finn post from four days ago about Cooking Mama all over again so I just nuked all the tags cause this-#post was REALLY just supposed to be. What was in the body and then that's it. My goodness.#Kane stop getting that funny hesitation you get before buying any product you literally get this hesitation over things that you-#-never end up regretting buying just GET IT quit twiddling your thumbs. Who knows how long I've wanted this for.#I dont care I am tagging this as Acer because I have made this joke several times to myself because I googled his name in an incognito tab-#because I was curious what would pop up. I say incognito tab because I've looked up far too many Cars things to get anything that-#-wasnt actually related to him.
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Tough day rambles
In a world with a different setting id be a prophet or a person with cool visions, id be a person worthy of protection and trust and friendship. Here im just paranoid and i worry about the wrong things. Somewhere else when i dance on my way to a shop everyone thinks im full of joy and whimsy and they dont think im drunk or childish. Somewhere else i can be around people for more than 5 hours before i shut down for the rest of the day. Somewhere else i dont remind everyone im stupid and dumb and i dont describe everything i do and feel as "slight" and "little" and "a bit", im able to love romantically and dream of tenderness and give it and recieve it. Idk i just hate myself a lot.
#period moment#im unable of feeling any positive emotion currently#but its true i am worthless#i always promise myself i wont enter new fandoms because in the end theyre just reminders of how ill never be cool and enough etc#i wish i had a confirmation that im not that bad#old man journalist who came to our uni said oooh i thought you were american with your accent and how much u use the word 'like'#i told him my vocabulary is just really really bad and he laughed but yeah omg what a way to tell me im dumb#and also guy from class texting me transphobic pro trump stuff just cause he wants me to give him arguments against what he says#why#just why#and im bad at german#and i havent started writing my article even tho i have over a month to do it#and i dont understand in between wars economics in germany#and i cant write my coalecroux and theres no point of continuing there are much better writers#everything i do is wrong and i dont understand what i should understand#disgusting uh i feel disgusting#my mom told me that her boyfriend got a “beautiful” christmas gift for me#dude why WHY would you buy me things that can be described as beautiful#i hate christmas#i just want to be somewhere else in a different world#i want to be in avantris i want to use magic i dont want to be human#i wish i was older because maybe when youre like 27 your opinions and feelings matter#but im over here rocking back and forth and sucking on a necklace like a fucking baby watching wizard of oz#how do you stop hating yourself i dont get it#i dont fuckinf understand anything#everything is clouded with my desire to be dead or somewhere else and its been like this for a decade i just want it to stop#goodnight i hope i dont fucking wake up i hope my cat scratches my stomach open and eats my body so im useful for something
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Ik i sound like such a stereotypical straight woman rn but. How do i ask my bf for flowers without asking my bf for flowers
#i have like. a shitty history with the concept of getting flowers from your bf/asking for said flowers clearly and nively#by whuch i mean that the one and only time i did it we got into a fight abt it#personal#granted it doesn't rly mean as much as it used to to me mainly bcs my partner always tries to make me feel l9ved and heard#in a billion other ways. so most of the time i forget abt this topic#but then i remember and i'm just like...wouldn't it be nice tho? just once?#technically 2nd time around but i can barely count that one time (with ex i mwntioned above)#like with my ex it was also a matter of him proving that he gives a fuck bca deep inside i could tell he didn't#so i ended up pinning all of my subconscious fears and gut feelings abt the relationship on this one thing#that is acyually rly small and not necessarily proof of a healthy relatoonshop in the grand schemw of things#now it's more like...a bonus. but like. a very NICE bonus y'know#i wanna put flowers in a vase like my sister does#my uni colleagues said i should drop subtle hints like buying my own flowers and casually mentioning it to him#and sbit like that#but that doesn't work with me for two main reasons.#1. i'm not giid at dropping hints or being subtle. i either tell you or abt it or i keep it to myself (and the latter usually leads to chaos#it's a also kind of immature tho i can't rly jydge girls who do it bcs i've experienced first hand how hard it is to ask for smth and#be punished and then fear it's gonna jappen again even if u have no reason to believe that#and finally 2. my bf is neurodivergwnt. like this man didb't even get flirting for a long time. and not onky that but#he's not the kind of person who'd naturalky gravitate towards like. traditional gifts or gender roles if that makes sense#so it's not like he's gonna wake up one day and go oh i should get my girl flowers#it's been more than 3 months he would've done it by now#but if's been 3 happy months and i don't wanna seem ungrateful. for tje first time ever i'm truly in lovr and truly loved in return#don't i already have enough in this regard?#ugghhh....idk what to do#venting
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note for the unaware: 100 gold coins = $1 and i have 625 so whatever i get will detract $6.25 from the total price
#lakimusings#ballot time#picky men#hehe mario#pokey man#pikmin#pokemon#poll#ghost trick#ok other information: ive played the demos for pikmin 4 and ghost trick and love both#i already have pikmin 3 but on wii u#and technically i dont have to buy violet bc i can just borrow it from my local library#thats what i did this summer and was able to keep it from june-august and nearly completed everything#so i feel like getting violet isnt the best idea when i did most of the 3 storylines anyway#i have never owned 3d world ever#ive only played it at other peoples houses#and i borrowed tok somewhere else but basically got through the opening thing and thats it#mostly torn between ghost trick and pikmin tho but remembered i dont own any of the other games so put them up for voting#i have no interest in getting totk im nowhere near close to finishing botw#whatever i do end up getting it’ll be like an early birthday gift to myself ig
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No one is going to create 20-30 chapters worth of fake leaks just to bait or spite, let's not act like conspiracy theorists. The leaks are probably real which is sad but it's better to accept the reality than trying to lie to yourself n then end up experiencing ultimate downfall.
As I said before, when I believed it was real, I dont give a fuck about it and feel no personal connection to it. When I saw them, I didnt feel pain or anything really.
(again, im open to all possibilities like being partially real and partially fake, fully real, fully made by assistants, fully ai with some corrections etc. I just point out at how ridiculous and empty this is, and think it means something, no matter how little it is -even if it is just that they wanted to finish the job without feeling the same level of passion).
#grrr talking#bnha spoilers#and yeah it could happen bc the BNHA fandom can get crazy and we already got multiple times big accounts claiming fanart and edits are cano#specially considering we dont know where the leakers got this and their controversy with asking bnha accounts for leaks to buy them#im tired of random anons telling me how wrong I am or how unrealistic I am or how im lying to myself#did you read anything? did any of you?#im just looking at it and its ugly lmao and idk why nobody talks about how ugly it is -its canon? then canon ended up ugly af#it is what it is#dap and finger upside down#funniest things in the “leaks”
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#'well you cant win em all.' okay but i would like to win at least one!! (not my quote i swear ive seen it on tumblr just cant find it)#like i would kill for just one win. i would pay a crisp $10 to anyone that could provide a single win for me#today was yet another fucking loss and that was all i had lined up. like theres nothing set up to possibly be a win in the future#ive got nothing there. so weve ended on a loss and thats all i have for the foreseeable future#i counted all the wins and losses in recent memory. ive got like 13+ losses and about 1 win#i tried to count up all of my wins but truly i managed like. one.#even some things that i didnt know could become losses! like did you know you can just be refused an adhd reassessment?#like you can say 'id like to pay $160 for you to fuck up a diagnosis again' and they can actually say#'youre not even worth the trouble to misdiagnose so go fuck yourself'#but they can! i didnt know that#and then you can have the audacity to tey to hope for something and think youll get it. like hope a little too hard#truly shouldve lesrned my lesson after twelve losses in a row not to get my hopes up#but i did! i made plans! i was gonna buy a cute water bottle specifically for that job. snd take myself out to dinner if i got it#can you guess what happened? when i had the audacity to hope and plan for a job that i was so passionate about and wanted so much?#(i didnt get it. the job ive been posting about. didnt get it)#didnt get the apartment in the city i love and miss either. didnt get an adhd reassessment (which is still wild to me)#and i tried to frame them as better in my head. 'this is a chance to tey a different job youd be better at! this is a chance to save money!'#nope its just another shitty thing in a long line of shitty things and im just getting tired of it. im so fucking tired of it#i am back where i vowed id never come back to and i cant escape in any way shape or fucking form#just needed to vent because saying all this in my head wasnt helping. saying it here doesnt help either but whatever
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