#i just don’t think that’s a reason for such��quite frankly—gross sexualization to be normalized

[minimujina]

while i completely understand the violent thirst over lighter i just hope we all don’t let it overshadow his character. this happened to wriothesley with his ass, and now we’ve got lighter and his ass. like yes i understand it’s big, and i too wanna kiss him all over. but also we should also recognize that he’s not a sex symbol and should not be reduced to a sex symbol. i have a hard time even with the official arts from his time in the ring, seeing people sexualize them so much. those seem to me like depictions of his worst, depictions of him when he was considered nothing but muscle and all he did was fight; he was just a body being used for entertainment and profit. he literally described himself as a zombie. idk like does this make sense that i find it uncomfortable to sexualize him sm or am i crazy? i know it’s probably not that serious and it’s ok to be absolutely down bad for him, i just sometimes get uncomfortable with the lengths people go to, especially considering his past. don’t get me wrong i like injured bloody men as much as the next girl but i can’t find it in me to see the art of his past as hot or sexy because that was the worst time of his life and im not sure he even saw himself as human then

[myfairkatiecat]

I think you're misunderstanding my point a bit, the problem is not "accidentally agreeing with someone when they also disagree with you on other points". I agree that worrying about that is silly. However both my hypothetical post and the actual post, in my opinion, have the problem of presenting a false dichotomy which is indicative of bias. "We need more single mothers in media" is a point which is completely unrelated to the much stupider point of "there are TOO MANY women with jobs in media", and the fact of the matter is that being bothered by seeing women in media who have jobs is, not inherently sexist, but certainly something you would expect more from a misogynist than a non misogynist.

Similarly the original post pairs a point that many agree with - "more fandoms/media should portray close brotherly friendships" - with an unrelated (and in my opinion, very entitled) complaint about fandoms being too gay, as if it's not possible for both gay relationships and brotherly ones to both be respected and given validity without choosing one as the correct or more valid interpretation. Or as if, as the person who responded to that post was alleging, the post was trying to imply that interpreting characters as gay is inherently worse than interpreting them as brotherly. Given that that's a very bold claim, I think supporting that claim with "btw this same person has said this on the topic of gay people irl" is quite normal?

The reason context matters is not because valid points become gross and wrong when said by the wrong person, but because valid sentiments can be used to mask other, less valid sentiments. If you agree with both points, that's one thing, but if you think complaining that fandom is just too gay is indicative of homophobia, "the person who said that has also publicly stated that they don't support the LGBT community" is relevant information in that discussion. And I frankly think that "actually, my friend thinking that fandom is too gay is completely unrelated to that same friend thinking being gay irl is sinful" is a very strange claim that I struggle to believe, in the same way I would not believe it if someone said "the fact that I get mad when I see women on TV with jobs is completely unrelated to me thinking women shouldn't have jobs because then I could sleep with them more easily".

Ok so this is the post in question by @gracefulchristiangirl:

why aren't guys allowed to have strong brotherly friendships anymore without being queer headcannoned anymore. like- not all strong relationships are because of romantic or sexual desire??? some people have life-long friendships with other guys who are literally their brothers???

Reading comprehension check: “NOT ALL strong relationships are because of romantic or sexual desire.” This post is a response to the frequent sexualization of male friendship, which feeds a culture of toxic masculinity. If showing affection is consistently interpreted as inherently gay (like posting a gif of Sam and Frodo with the caption “there is NO heterosexual explanation for this” which does happen quite frequently) then straight men are going to be discouraged from being affectionate with their friends because, understandably, they don’t want people unanimously agreeing that they must therefore be a sexuality that they aren’t.

This post is about people erasing the possibility of friendship between two men when they see a certain type of behavior, usually expressions of care or love. This isn’t a response to “I think it would be cool if Merlin and Arthur were gay so I’m going to write a fic where they’re gay,” it’s a response to “look at the way Merlin is looking at Arthur in this scene with so much love in his eyes. Look at the way he holds him tenderly ad he dies. They’re literally so gay, like wdym they aren’t lovers??” One such statement owns that it is something made up by the person with the headcanon, while the other statement makes affection between two men seem inherently romantic! I used the merlin fandom as an example because I have seen that second statement made, almost word for word, and it’s sentiments like those that make me glad for posts like the one we are discussing.

The post is not about gay people. The post is about viewing close male friendships as inherently romantic or sexual in fandom spaces, which is unfortunately very common.

This post is also not about fandom spaces being “too gay,” as you said in your ask. *wags finger like an aunt* mm-mm-mm, that’s not what OP said! She didn’t say fandom spaces were too gay!

[domjaehyun]

Omg hiii! I spoke to you like a year ago and you are SO LOVELY! I wanted to ask your advice about something…I feel like most women enjoy giving bjs to men…but I just don’t like it and don’t want to do it. I haven’t remotely have had sex with any men because of this. When spoken to “friends” around me they tend to shame me or call me a “prude” simply because I don’t want to engage on this. I’m really scared to be in a relationship with a man who wants me to do things in bed that I don’t want to do. What would you recommend? I feel out of touch sometimes 🥲 And I genuinely think men probably think I’m a prude or good girl BC in my almost 22 years of life NO man has approached me or even asked me on a date 🤦🏻‍♀️ I feel left out and at moments ugly, I’m working on how I feel, but sometimes it just gets to me yk? I’m an adult btw😅 Thank you❤️

okay im on a roll rn so . gonna answer this too hehe hi lovely 💖 THANK YOU FOR SAYING IM LOVELY OMG DFHJKGSLK and yes *cracks knuckles* lemme see what i can do (...you guessed it...under the cut...i am talkative rn sorry y'all)

quite frankly? do not do anything you don't want to do. however, i would be remiss if i didn't add any nuance to this so. here i go.

when it comes to your sexual pleasure, i would say that it is very important to communicate your needs and feelings. also, like, we do be livin in a society n shii so . there are a lot of dynamics always at play esp with cis men (specification necessary bc. some men are not cis and do not have dicks. and also bc the types of dynamics i am about to mention are pretty damn specific to women in sexual situations with CIS men, so when i think of non-men with dicks, i don't believe the same dynamics are at play, yknow?)

> society is disgustingly and selfishly centered around male pleasure. so blowjobs are like . fucking expected ? for some stupid reason ? yet these same men that are pushing your head down for you to suck them off tend to be the same fucking pansy ass bitches that don't eat pussy bc "it's gross" as if the vagina doesn't have a naturally self-cleaning procedure*...which the penis doesn't... and as if men don't literally have smegma.

*note: i don't think i should have to say this bc we are all grown but. no matter what the vagina itself does to regulate itself pH wise or self-cleaning wise...please, for the love of god, wash yourself properly. do as much research as you need, ask your doctor, whatever you need to do...but you need to clean yourself for your safety. okay psa over, moving on.

> but yeah, in the societal sense, it's way more normalized for people sleeping with cis men to ... give blowjobs and center the man's pleasure...often at the expense of their own. this is incredibly fucking stupid and i hate it and if i could go back in time and kill everyone who made this "normalized" i would do it with glee. and excessive violence. 💖

> that said? if you don't want to give a blowjob, say that. establish that boundary as soon as it feels necessary. we are going to hope that the man on the receiving end of the boundary is not an asshole or anything and that he takes it well. however...men do be trash, so there is a chance he might push or try and coerce you. while maintaining your safety as much as possible, do not fucking budge. if this man pushes and crosses the boundary and you let him, that sets the precedent for him to continue to cross your boundaries in the future. if you don't want to suck his dick, do not suck his dick.

> what i just mentioned tends to apply to more casual relationships i think but like . again, ideally, whatever man you end up with as a romantic long-term partner has heard your boundary loud and clear and respects your boundary. like, personally? i don't like blowjobs! it's pretty fucking rare for me to ever look at a man and be like "god, i wanna suck his dick." (haechan if you are reading this...you're the exception bc i do think this abt you sometimes... but not THAT often. don't get it twisted.) and, like, that is okay. that is fully okay for both of us. there's literally a term for it–pillow princess !! p sure the term originated in sapphic spaces, but . it's a lil more mainstream now i think and i also didn't seem to find a term that applies to like. women in general, not just sapphic women.

(which, if i wanted to get on my high horse about it for a sec, is so "funny" to me because the concept of a woman only wanting to receive pleasure and not give it is... only conceptualized in spaces that don't... involve... men... interesting... surely that doesn't mean anything in regards to our society and how it refuses to "normalize" or even shed light on women wanting to center their own pleasure–much like men are encouraged to do all the fucking time–when having sex with cis men... i also find it very... "funny" that the term, as well as the less popular term "starfish," tends to be used... in a derogatory/offensive manner... as if pillow princesses are inherently selfish people... even though the chances are high that they communicated beforehand that they didn't want to reciprocate and their partner might have continued on anyway with the intent to attempt to coerce said pillow princess into giving them pleasure anyway... as if that's not borderline predatory and manipulative behavior... that we let men get away with all the fucking time... interesting. surely that couldn't mean anything deeper at all. moving on bc i think i've planted enough seeds and you get what i'm hinting at.)

> anyway: there is no fucking shame in being a pillow princess, a starfish, or whatever term you'd like to use for yourself. y'know what it means when there's a term for something? it's a common enough occurrence that people started being like "we need a name for this thing." so you're not alone !! and i don't think there is a single thing wrong with being a pillow princess bc guess what !! just like there are people like us that prefer to receive, there are people that prefer to give!! there are actually quite a few terms for this (again... interesting... that being more inclined to give than receive is fine and cool and dandy... but the alternative, when it comes to women, is not... surely this article doesn't make several valid points...) like stone butch (a more typically masc presenting lesbian who prefers not to be touched during sex), pleasure dom (a person who plays a dominant role in a D/S dynamic who derives sexual pleasure directly from giving their partner sexual pleasure), service top (someone who, even though they're the one doing the penetrating or filling the typically more "dominant" role in the dynamic, derives pleasure from pleasing their partner; this is typically used in LGBT+ spaces but i think it can def apply to het relationships if the terms are used correctly), and i'm sure the list goes on!! there are people that are very sexually compatible with pillow princesses and it's just a matter of solid communication to find the right person/people!!

> that said, i feel the need to let you know that, like, you're not alone in the slightest! and honestly? fuck your friends for judging you or teasing you or antagonizing you about it. it's frankly none of their damn business what you like in bed bc like . you're not fucking them... anyway. i digress. but like, honestly? i consider myself a pillow princess !! while blowjobs aren't, like, physically uncomfy for me or anything, i just . don't like them dfjkgsk like if i slept with someone with a dick, the thought to suck their dick would not be stemming from the desire but probably a sense of like . obligation . it does nothing for me !

> honestly, whenever dicks come out in the porn i watch, i lose interest immediately and either go back to an earlier point in the video where the dicks weren't present, or i'll just leave the video entirely kjdsfgkd and again !! this is valid !! it's not like you're misleading people by saying "omg yeah i love giving head" and then when the time comes you're like "nvm i don't like doing it actually" (which, i feel the need to note, is a very diff situation than revoking consent. revoking consent is acceptable at any point at all. i am talking specifically about deliberately misleading people just to fuck with them. think of a guy being like "yeah i love going down on girls" and then you two hook up and he encourages you to go down on him bc he'll "return the favor" and then when you're finished giving him head, he won't reciprocate and never had any intent to)

> i do also feel the need to say, though, that sometimes i personally do want to reciprocate !! whether it's by giving a bj or eating someone out, sometimes i DO want to give pleasure !! (tbh i am infinitely more likely to want to eat someone out than suck a dick......... we won't unpack that rn) however, my occasionally wanting to give pleasure doesn't revoke my pillow princess status, nor would i say it's expected of pillow princesses to have the same feelings i do !!

so. yes . i hope this helped at least a lil bit fdjksgk i hope if and when you do start entering the dating/sexual/relationship scene that you have safe and positive encounters !!! communicate w ppl and be as upfront as possible !!!!

[miloscat]

[Review] Conker: Live & Reloaded (XB)

Let’s see just how well this misguided remake/expansion holds up. This will be a long one!

Conker’s Bad Fur Day is my favourite N64 game. It’s cinematic and ambitious, technically impressive, has scads of gameplay variety with fun settings and setpieces, and when I first played it I was just the right age for the humour to land very well for me. A scant four years later Rare remade it for the Xbox after their acquisition by Microsoft, replacing the original multiplayer modes with a new online mode that would be the focus of the project, with classes and objectives and such.

First, an assessment of the single-player campaign. On a revisit I can see the common criticisms hold some water: the 3D platformer gameplay is a bit shaky at times, certain gameplay segments are just plain wonky and unfair, and some of the humour doesn’t hold up. It’s got all the best poorly-aged jokes: reference humour, gross-out/shock humour, and poking fun at conventions of the now dormant 3D collectathon platformer genre. I also am more sensitive these days to things like the sexual assault and homophobia undertones to the cogs, or Conker doing awful things for lols. Having said that, there’s plenty that I still find amusing, and outside of a few aggravatingly difficult sequences (surf punks, the mansion key hunt, the submarine attack, the beach escape) I do still appreciate the range of things you do in the game.

As for the remake, I’m not sure it can be called an improvement by any metric. Sure, there’s some minor additions. There’s a new surgeon Tediz miniboss, the new haunted baby doll enemy, and the opening to Spooky has been given a Gothic village retheme along with an added—though unremarked on—costume for Conker during this chapter based on the Hugh Jackman Van Helsing flop. Other changes are if anything detrimental. The electrocution and Berri’s shooting cutscenes have been extended, thus undermining the joke/emotional impact. The original game used the trope of censoring certain swear words to makes lines more funny; the remake adds more censorship for some reason, in one case (the Rock Solid bouncer scene) ruining the joke, and Chucky Poo’s Lament is just worse with fart noises covering the cursing.

The most egregious change, and one lampshaded in the tutorial, is the replacement of the frying pan (an instant and satisfying interaction) with a baseball bat which must be equipped, changing the control and camera to the behind-the-back combat style, and then swung with timed inputs to defeat the many added armoured goblings and dolls carelessly dumped all throughout the game world. This flat out makes the game less fun to play through.

On top of this, all the music has been rerecorded (with apologies to Robin Beanland, I didn’t really notice apart from instances where it had to be changed, such as in Franky’s boss fight where the intensely frenetic banjo lead was drastically reduced as a concession to the requirement to actually play it in real life), and the graphics totally redone. Bad Fur Day made excellent use of textures, but with detail cranked up, the sixth generation muddiness, and a frankly overdone fur effect, something is lost. I’m not a fan of the character redesigns either; sure Birdy has a new hat, but I didn’t particularly want to see Conker’s hands, and the Tediz are no longer sinister stuffed bears but weird biological monster bears with uniforms. On top of all this you notice regular dropped details; a swapped texture makes for nonsensical dialogue in the Batula cutscene, and characters have lost some emotive animations. Plus, the new translucent scrolling speech bubbles are undeniably worse.

I could mention the understandable loading screens (at least they’re quick), the mistimed lip sync (possibly exacerbated by my tech setup), or the removal of cheats (not a big deal), but enough remake bashing. To be fair, the swimming controls have been improved and the air meter mercifully extended, making Bats Tower more palatable. And some sequences have been shortened to—I suppose—lessen gameplay tedium (although removing the electric eel entirely is an odd choice). But let’s cover the multiplayer. Losing the varied modes from the original is a heavy blow, as I remember many a fun evening spent in Beach, War, or Raptor, along with the cutscenes setting up each mode.

The new headline feature of this release is the Live mode. The new Xbox Live service allowing online multiplayer was integrated, although it’s all gone now. Chasing the hot trends of the time, it’s a set of class-based team missions, with the Squirrel High Command vs. the Tediz in a variety of scenarios, mostly boiling down to progressing through capture points or capture the flag. Each class is quite specialised and I’m not sure how balanced it is, plus there’s proto-achievements and unlocks behind substantial milestones none of which I got close to reaching (I don’t think I could get most of them anyway, not being “Live”).

The maps are structured around a “Chapter X” campaign in which the Tediz and the weasel antagonist from BFD Ze Professor (here given a new and highly offensive double-barrelled slur name) are initially fighting the SHC in the Second World War-inspired past of the Old War, before using a time machine, opening up a sci-fi theme for the Future War. These are mainly just aesthetic changes, but it’s a fun idea and lets them explore Seavor’s beloved wartime theming a bit more while also bringing in plenty of references to Star Wars, Alien, Dune, and Halo; mostly visual.

Unfortunately the plot is a bit incoherent, rushed through narration (unusually provided by professional American voice actor Fred Tatasciore rather than a Rare staffer doing a raspy or regional voice like the rest of the game) over admittedly nice-looking cutscenes. They also muddle the timeline significantly, seemingly ignoring the BFD events... and then the Tediz’ ultimate goal is to revive the hibernating Panther King, when the purpose of their creation was to usurp him in the first place! It expands on the Conker universe but in a way that makes the world feel smaller and more confusing. It’s weird, and also Conker doesn’t appear at all.

On top of this, I found the multiplayer experience itself frustrating. To unlock the full Chapter X, you need to play the first three maps on easy, then you can go through the whole six. But I couldn’t pass the first one on normal difficulty! The “Dumbots” seemed to have so much health and impeccable aim, while the action was so chaotic, obscured by intrusive UI, floating usernames, and smoke and other effects with loads of characters milling around, not to mention the confusing map layouts, the friendly fire, the instant respawns, and the spawncamping. Luckily I could play the maps themselves in solo mode with cutscenes and adjustable AI and options.

I found some classes much more satisfying than others. I tried to like the Long Ranger and the slow Demolisher, but found it difficult to be accurate. The awkward range of the Thermophile and the Sky Jockey’s rarely effective vehicles made them uncommon choices. I had most success with the simple Grunt, or the melee-range Sneeker (the SHC variant of which is sadly the sole playable female in the whole thing). You can pick up upgrade tokens during gameplay to expand the toolset of each class, which range from necessary to situational. But ultimately it’s a crapshoot, as I rarely felt that my intentions led to clear results.

Live & Reloaded is such a mess. The Reloaded BFD is full of odd decisions and baffling drawbacks, while the Live portion feels undercooked. I’d have preferred a greater focus on either one; a remake is unnecessary, especially only four years on, but a new single-player adventure would have been ace. And a multiplayer mode in this universe with its own story mode could be cool if it was better balanced and had more to it than just eight maps. As a source of some slight scrapings of new Conker content I appreciated it to some extent, but I can’t help being let down. I guess it’s true what they say... the grass is always greener. And you don’t really know what it is you have, until it’s gone... gone. Gone.

Yes, that ending is still genuinely emotionally affecting.

[threeletterslife]

03 | Over the Moon

→ previous | next

→ summary: You feel isolated in the vast American country with no one but your older brother and your six rowdy friends to keep you company. But when they disappear without a trace, you're left with nothing. Nothing until you become dragged into the world of the mob. The mafia world promises glory, fame and big bucks. But that comes with backstabbing, pain, regret and vengeance behind the veils. You're not ready for that alone. Are you?

→ genre: 85% angst, 15% fluff | mafia!au

→ warnings: profanity, arms dealing, cat-calling, sexualized/suggestive comments, female objectification, death threats, mentions of taking shrooms, prostitution

→ wordcount: 8.6k

It was almost like a dream. And you kinda wish it was.

The late-night adrenaline had caused you to lash out on Yoongi and Namjoon with only small reason. Had you been too mean to them? It was only logical to mourn over their friend's death and even more so to be haunted by a sibling of his that reminded them of him.

But really. Was it right for them to strategize to get you to leave? It was your choice to come here and stay; well, kind of. Initially, it might've been because of Jimin's will, but now... Now, this was all you. You wanted to stay to follow through—to get vengeance. To make things right.

When you wake up, your thoughts are still crowded. It's not often you wake up with a headache, but you guess this is just one of those days. Or maybe it's because you have too much on your mind. After eavesdropping on Yoongi and Namjoon's talk, you haven't felt the most comfortable. And it's worse to think that you're supposed to be working with Yoongi and the fact that Namjoon was your brother's best friend.

It looks like it's still morning, so maybe you'll get some breakfast to clear your head. With a long sigh, you trudge into your bathroom to take a warm shower, drying your hair and putting on some fresh clothes afterward.

Your stomach is growling by the time you freshen up, but you suddenly aren't so sure about going to breakfast as realization dawns on you. It's going to be so awkward between me and Yoongi and Namjoon... Especially after that bit of an outburst you had before you had left them.

But at this point, they can't do anything to make you leave. And if they try to get you to leave, you'll fight right back. You're doing this to avenge your brother; you owe too much to Jimin, so that much you can do for him, right?

They'll just have to deal with the fact that you remind them of him.

You swallow the uncomfortable feeling that had long since settled in your stomach and make your way to the dining room. By the time you arrive, you realize almost everyone was already there, except Taehyung and Jungkook. But the dining table had been set with breakfast, so they must've served it and left while the rest of the men waited for you.

"Good morning," you say, curtly. You quickly glance over at Yoongi and Namjoon, and Yoongi gives you a small nod, but Namjoon looks away, avoiding eye contact with you. You frown slightly but try to not let it bother you too much.

"Good morning, Y/N," Jin says, smiling. "Good night's sleep?"

He asks you that every day. And every day, you say:

"Kind of."

"How's your neck?" Yoongi asks, looking you straight in the eyes as he inquires. He usually speaks with his actions; you know him best for always being the one to hand you tissues when you're feeling down, so it was quite the surprise to hear him speak to you so early in the day.

"Oh, my neck?" you ask, your hand automatically moving up to touch the back of it. Bad move. You hiss as your skin stings from your delicate touch. Right. You'd totally forgotten you'd even gotten that scarification... The mark of which symbolizes your loyalty to the gang and the mark that Yoongi and Namjon probably didn't approve of.

"Try not to touch it, okay?" Yoongi says. As per usual, he doesn't make another move to drag the conversation on, so you just nod and drop you hand by your side.

The rest of the breakfast ensues quite normally. Well, kind of. You find Yoongi sliding pieces of fruit on your plate and Namjoon offering you drinks. It's as if they're doing nice things for you to say they're sorry. But you're not exactly buying it.

You notice that the breakfast table becomes too solemn without the usual center of attention: Taehyung. Oh, and his best man, Jungkook. Really, the silence is unbearable and curiosity is killing you. You have no choice but to do something about it and ask the question that's been occupying your mind for weeks.

"Hey, Jin?" you say.

Seokjin looks up and right at you. "Hm?"

"What are we gonna do about Jimin's murder?"

At that, every little side conversation ceases and all attention turns on you.

Aware that everyone's watching, you start to sweat a little bit, stumbling over your words as you say, "How are we, uh, going to find which gang the murderer resides in? I just think... I mean, I think we should act fast before the evidence is, you know, gotten rid of..."

Your question is followed by more silence.

Now everyone looks at Seokjin, expecting him to answer.

Jin raises his eyebrows before looking you dead in the eyes. "Well..." he says, trailing off. "Taehyung and Jungkook are absent from today's breakfast..." He pauses, watching your face contort in confusion, then he turns to his friend, completely ignoring you. "Pass the butter, Namjoon. Please."

"What?" You frown. Was he implying that they had gone off to find your brother's murderer? But why not just outright tell you instead of making it difficult for you to understand right away?

Frankly, you feel out of place. You're obviously not used to being a Crescent, while the rest of them have been involved for several years. There are unmistakably unspoken rules here. Rules that you are yet to be aware of. The rest of the breakfast goes by in a blur as you let the others do the stupid, shallow talk. You stay silent, too immersed in your thoughts. The only place you feel like you belong is in your thoughts, anyways.

By the time you finish eating, Taehyung and Jungkook are back. Without a word, they start to clear the dinner table. You're about to ask if they got a lead on the murderer when Hoseok practically drags you away from the dining room with Yoongi close behind. They take you to one of the many empty corridors of the mansion where the air is too cold and the towering ceiling intimidates you.

"What do you want?" you ask them defiantly.

"What do you want, my ass," Hoseok sighs, raking a hand through his hair. "You've honestly got some nerve, Y/N. We keep business off of the dinner table."

It takes you a split second to realize 'business' directly translates to 'mafia deals.'

You scoff, raising your eyebrows. "Well, I wasn't informed."

"But it was silently implied," Hoseok retorts. "You approach with caution, understood? The boss and the underboss have it covered. No need to pester them."

"I'm sorry," you say, exasperated. "Can you really blame me, though? I'm confused, can't you tell? I just want to know if my own brother's death will be justified."

"She's right. Cut her some slack, Hoseok. She's new here," Yoongi sighs, crossing his arms over his chest as he stares right at you. "You've got a lot to learn."

"I—" you start.

"But you shouldn't worry too much about it," Yoongi quickly says. He takes a quick glance at his watch before looking back up at you. "C'mon, we have a sale today, so we'll have to teach you everything in advance."

You look nervously at the two of them, unsure of what to say.

"It's not that bad," Hoseok snorts. "They fear us, you know, the other gangs. They wouldn't dare to lay a finger on you if that's what you're worried about."

The weapons room is bright. There is a musty smell in there, which reminds you of oil. The amount of guns and ammunition gives you slight anxiety, and you're sure to keep your footsteps light, just in case a harsh step might set a weapon to go off. The thing is, you've never exactly seen a real gun before, let alone a whole room of them, so this is completely new territory for you.

Hoseok begins to explain the weapons and their values to you, but he begins to lose his patience when you mistakenly mix up the bolt act rifle with the semi-automatic rifle. In your defense, they kind of look similar, but apparently not.

So, Yoongi, the more patient one, takes over from there. He calmly re-explains the weapons, asking you to pay extra caution to the cost fluctuations. And damn, "Some of these are expensive, aren't they?" you ask. "Others can afford them?"

"Oh, honey," Hoseok grins. "Of course they're expensive. What do you think they do with these, Y/N? They kill people. Now, human life doesn't come at a cheap cost, does it?"

When he puts it that way, the guns are too cheap.

"You'll be in charge of monitoring our gross profit," Yoongi says. "Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah... sure," you mutter. There's just something about this room that makes you feel uncomfortable. Again, it feels like you don't belong here. You can't help but wonder what your parents would say if they found out you were putting your economics degree to use in the black market.

"Anyways, we have an appointment with the Black Mambas, today," Hoseok says, looking you up and down. "You can watch but you're not allowed to interfere."

Interfere? you think. Why the hell would I want to interfere?

"WHOOOO!"

"Maybe we'll buy more off of ya if she wears a short skirt next time!"

"Better yet, no skirt!"

"Didn't know the Crescents were starting a brothel!"

"We aren't," Hoseok cuts in, his voice harsh and sharp. "Business is over. Leave."

"You sure she doesn't want to come with us?" one of the Mambas jeer. "I promise, sweetcakes, we'll take good care of you."

Your clenched fists shake by your sides as you bite your tongue to keep from smarting back a reply.

"She's fine where she is," Yoongi sighs.

"Oh, c'mon, just give us a little taste!"

"OUT!" Hoseok roars. "Unless you'd like to see her shove a gun barrel up your dick."

The Mambas burst out in laughter. "She'd like that, wouldn't she?"

Your lips tremble as you do your best to look up at the ceiling so your tears don't spill out.

"Oh, no," Hoseok grins. "We'd like that. Imagine how fun it would be to skin each and everyone one of you... Boil you just a little bit until you're begging us for death. And end it slowly, painfully on a bed of sharp nails. Would you like that? We can do that for you, you know. Your wish is our command, customer."

The men aren't laughing after that.

"Tell your boss to send different bastards next time. Tell him the Crescents will rescind the deal if we see you in the next sale," Yoongi says. "But besides that, we wish you our best, customer."

"Any funny business as you go out and we'll promise not only will you never see the light of day again, but your friends, family and loved ones will also all be killed. Brutally. Thank you," Hoseok says. "Now, get the fuck out."

He smiles as the men quickly scramble to leave the room. They never look back once.

"That was fun," Hoseok snorts as the men are completely gone from sight. "We don't usually get this much drama during sales."

"Fun? Fun?!" you scoff, blinking away your tears. "I became an object! You call that fun? I've never been more afraid in my whole life!"

"Woah, there, honey," Hoseok sighs. "At least you didn't lose your temper like that when they were here."

"W-What..." you scoff. "Tell me you didn't just say that."

"Oh, but I did," Hoseok says, rolling his eyes. "Whatever. I'm going upstairs." He doesn't speak again, not even showing the tiniest bit of remorse before he slams the door shut on his way out.

"Fucking unbelievable," you mutter, wiping away your tears on the back of your sleeve.

"I'm sorry," a soft voice soothes. "We... Well, we don't usually have women in gangs." You look up to see Yoongi awkward looking down at his feet. "Would you, uh, like a tissue?" he asks, holding up a packet of tissues.

"Yes, please," you say, sniffling as Yoongi hands you the packet over. "Sorry. I feel like I'm always crying here. Doesn't help that Hoseok seems to not give a fuck about me... Sorry," you apologize again. "You don't even want me here, either. I'll just... I'll just go to my room and be completely useless now."

You wipe your tears with the tissue, throwing the packet back to Yoongi who instinctively catches it. Then, without another word, you turn to leave.

"W-Wait. Y/N."

Oh? You turn around, half-hoping he'd do something to console you. But he doesn't.

"What was the profit today?"

Your hopes shatter.

"Ten thousand."

"R-Right. Thanks."

You turn to leave again, sighing to yourself and wondering if any of this would get any better.

"Y/N?"

You pause in your tracks.

"You know what we're going to do with the money, right?"

You don't answer.

"We're going to find Jimin's killer with every last bit of it, okay?"

Okay. You leave without another word.

You'll never get used to the too-bright lights of the dealer room. You'll also never get used to this stupid new job.

It's terrifying to deal with gang members that look like they'll murder you in cold blood. Especially being in a room full of weapons, you're still always left wondering if 'accidents' will ever occur.

But Yoongi and Hoseok both swear nothing bad will happen. You can only take their word for it.

The worst part of the job, however, is not the potential safety issues, but the attitudes of the disgusting men that come and go.

"How much for that?" an intimidating gang member asks as he points at some handgun in your direction.

"The semi-auto pistol? It's—" Hoseok starts.

"No, not the weapon, the girl."

Your mouth drops open.

"I heard she's part of your gang," the hitman sneers. "Can't say how much help she'll be. But she's making good eye candy. How much for her?"

Your fists clench as he speaks of you like a fucking object. You're so, so close to breaking your cool and flinging a gun barrel at the man, but you know that'll probably cost you your life.

Luckily, Yoongi steps in for you.

"She's not for sale," he says, looking at the man straight in the eyes.

The hitman snorts, "Aw, come on... Lemme get a look."

You stumble backward as the man steps closer to you. You can feel his eyes burning into your face, your body. Instinctively, you hold your breath, willing yourself not to fling a punch into his face.

Let him look. He can't do anything to you, you tell yourself.

"What's a sweet-looking girl like you doing here?" he grins. "Sell yourself to the Crescents?"

You can't say you haven't heard this before. After all, you've been coming to these stupid sales since a week ago... But it's hard to get used to it.

"Our business here is over," you say in the most authoritarian voice you could muster up.

The man laughs. "How cute." He turns to Yoongi and Hoseok. "Five hundred."

It takes you a moment to realize he's talking about the price. Of you.

And apparently, you're only worth half a thousand bucks.

"Do I look like a prostitute to you? Get lost," you say, gritting your teeth.

The hitman chuckles under his breath, cocking his head as he examines your face. "Feisty. One thousand."

"That's enough," Yoongi sighs. "Get the fuck out of here."

"Unless you want to be involved in a fight that might end with us burying your body in a ditch," you say as your fists shake in anger.

"What did you fucking say to me? Is that a threat, bitch?" He takes a brooding step towards you.

Your legs are trembling, but you will yourself to stand still, straightening up your body and glaring at the man despite your mentality threatening to break. Your heart pounds so loudly in your ears that you have to take a moment to take a deep breath before you speak.

"Yes, it was a threat," you say, gritting your teeth.

"You heard her. Leave," Hoseok sighs as he cocks the pistol in his hands. "Oh, my bad. Unless you'd rather die here."

"Fucking bitch," the man mutters. He stares at the gun in Hoseok's hand and glares at it for a split second before spitting on the ground and turning to leave.

And as soon as he's gone, you feel like you can breathe again, but your legs give out and you drop to the floor with tears welling up in your eyes.

"Oh god, Y/N. Grow up," Hoseok sighs, shaking his head. "You've got to get used to this. It's been a week."

"Ugh, I know, I'm sorry," you sniffle, trying to wipe your tears away. Yoongi crouches down to hand you a tissue and you give him a small, thankful smile. "I'm just... God, I get so scared when they come near me. And it's not like I can defend myself either... If I hit them, I'm afraid I'll be hit right back."

"You did well," Yoongi says, "you know, threatening him like that."

Hoseok laughs. "Honestly, you've got balls, Park."

Yoongi flinches at the mention of the all-too-familiar surname but he brushes it off, standing up. "Hey, Y/N, let's go upstairs. Hoseok, tell Jungkook to clean up the room."

Hoseok nods, rolling his eyes. "I hate it when some barbarian fucking spits on the floor." He cocks his head as he watches you trying to pathetically dry your tears with the tissue. "You going to console her?"

Yoongi shrugs, but he extends a hand, which you take to get up on shaky legs.

"Don't be so soft on her. It'll only get worse from here," Hoseok says, shaking his head.

"Whatever," Yoongi mumbles. "Let's go," he tells you.

You nod, following him as he leads you away from the dealing chamber. Yoongi walks slightly in front of you, never looking back to see if you're following him. You slowly trail behind him, unsure what will happen when he stops walking.

Yoongi leads you into the kitchen, and he gestures for you to sit down on one of the high chairs that surround the kitchen island.

"It's good to have herbal tea when you need to be soothed," he mutters as he rummages around the cabinets to find the ingredients. "If I can only find where everything is..."

"Thank you," you manage to say.

"Not a big deal," Yoongi mumbles. He sighs, leaning back against the kitchen counter. "Usually, Taehyung has all of this covered, but he's not here at the moment..."

You cock your head. "Um, do you want me to help you make the tea? I think I know where the teapot is."

"Yeah, thanks," Yoongi sighs. "Sorry. I should've prepared something."

"No, it's fine," you say. "You couldn't have, anyways. We were at a sale."

"Right..."

You find the teapot in thirty seconds flat while Yoongi comes across the tea cabinet quite serendipitously.

"Yuja tea?" he asks.

"Yeah. How'd you guess?"

"I figured you needed something sweet... You know, and something a bit homely. We used to drink it a lot when we were young, too."

"I'm kinda amazed you remember all that," you say, sliding back into the seat behind the kitchen island.

"Of course I'd remember," Yoongi says, turning on the stove to place the kettle on it. "We had a pretty nice childhood. I think we all remember it quite well."

You hum in agreement.

"And I'm sorry about what you have to go through right now."

Your head jerks up as you look at Yoongi. "Really? You don't have to be sorry."

"Come on, Y/N. I think someone owes you an apology, and since the others are too stubborn to do it, I will. I'm sorry we weren't able to protect your brother. And I'm sorry you have to deal with those bastards in the sales. I apologize for all of us. I know we're not like the people you've known at all... But, frankly, I don't remember how we were before, either..." Yoongi sighs. "I can't imagine what you're going through. And the fact that this territory is completely foreign to you..."

"It's fine, Yoongi. I'm fine. I swear. You don't have to apologize on behalf of anyone. I just..." you trail off, looking for the right words. "I'm just not used to things yet. Sure, I feel a bit like an outsider here, but I know I'll get used to things fast. I'm a good adapter, Yoongi. I think I'll be fine."

"Just tell me when things become too rough for you," he answers, nodding. He turns to pour the tea in little white paper cups before handing one to you and keeping one for himself.

You smile to yourself. "We used to drink Yuja tea in these same white disposable cups. You know, after we all saved up money and went to Korean barbecue? Remember they had the tea vending machine?"

Yoongi chuckles, "Of course I remember. I used to give my drink to Hoseok because he liked it so much."

"Really? I always thought you drank your tea too fast and Hoseok took too damn long. I think you win the title for Silent Helper, Yoongi," you say, laughing slightly. "I mean, look at me. You've done the most to make me feel accepted here. I got a door slam from Jungkook already and Namjoon doesn't even talk to me anymore. Everyone else probably sees me as someone useless... But ironically, though you didn't want me here, you've done the most to help me... You've done the most to make me actually want to stay... You're the Tissue Man."

Yoongi had been silently nodding up to the point you'd called him a Tissue Man. "I'm sorry, what?" he asks.

"The Tissue Man," you respond, grinning as you take a sip of your tea. "I've probably received more tissues from you in a span of a few weeks than calls from my parents in my whole life," you joke.

Yoongi laughs out loud. "I guess I've brought the name upon myself."

"Right?" You grin.

"Right," he replies.

And from there, the conversation is easy, deceptively easy. You end up talking with Yoongi until it's near dinnertime by which Jungkook and Taehyung enter the kitchen to prepare dinner.

You and Yoongi didn't want to get in their way, so the two of you left and parted. As you walk back to your room, you can't help but feel better about yourself. You just need time. Time to integrate into this family. Time to get used to this lifestyle. Time to heal, too.

Everything will play out just right.

You hear that Jimin? I'm all right.

You know you’re spending too much time with JK and Tae when pretty girls come to you, expecting you to hook up with them just for their looks. JK and Tae have no problem with one night stands. I don’t like it. I don’t fit in. But I don’t think I have a choice.

We work together for god’s sake. I’m always spending time with them. Maybe, consequently, I’m becoming like them. It’s not necessarily bad... It’s just not me.

Boss won’t let any of us bring girls home. I wouldn’t dare disobey him. Especially when the underboss is observant... I’ve heard from JK that Tae wants to try sneaking someone in one day. I don’t think they’re gonna get far.

I also think the others are too busy to think of girls. I wish I was. Now I’m being dragged into bars, strip clubs, (almost into a brothel but I fought my way out) and I hate it. I don’t know why I’m letting myself be pushed around like this. But maybe I want to fit in? JK and Tae are the only ones who can truly get me now. I have no choice but to be like them.

But I hope I’m able to remember how to say no the next time they ask if I want to take shrooms. 

I also hope we don’t find ourselves in a whore house. Underboss sat me down to talk to me the last time we went and he sounded so disappointed in me that I just... I don’t want to experience anything like that again.

I haven’t talked to Hoseok and Yoongi in weeks. They’re too busy these days for us. Sometimes, I feel like I have no one here.

I shouldn’t say that. JK and Tae are good friends. They really are. They’re loyal, kind, (outside the torture room) and somewhat benevolent (also outside the torture room). But I can’t help that I don’t fit in. Whatever. This is bullshit talk. I’ll stop writing now. Have to get ready to go out anyways.

As you read more into the diary, you see how distant the Jimin who wrote it is from the Jimin you knew. Granted, the entries are less cold as they were in the very back, but something about his writing lacks passion, lacks love. Lacks life.

There's something about the way he refuses to call Seokjin and Namjoon by their names that seems unsettling to you. And the fact that he feels as if he doesn't fit in... It's kinda like how you're feeling right now, except with Yoongi and Hoseok, not Taehyung and Jungkook.

It hurts to see that your brother wasn't completely happy in his life. It also scares you to think he was involved in drugs and prostitution, albeit because of Taehyung and Jungkook. And now you're having second thoughts about them, too.

It's disgusting that they'd want to drag your brother in a brothel and have him take shrooms... What other inhumane things did the three of them do?

And the supposed torture room? What were you to do with this information? Should you confront Jungkook and Taehyung?

It's hard to believe that such playful people had turned into something so... sinister. You'd hate to admit it, but you're just a teeny bit afraid of them. You've experienced the male gaze one too many times doing your job for the Crescents. Were Jungkook and Taehyung like the hitmen from other gangs who you absolutely despise? Were you an object to them too?

You possibly can't be.

All the times you'd fallen asleep in Taehyung's arms while watching a horror movie in the dark. All the times Jungkook woke you up by screaming after a particularly gory jump scare. All the times you'd laughed your asses off together. All the times you'd pranked Hoseok with them. All the times you'd run away together while Hoseok chased you with a slipper in hand. All those memories can't go to waste. You'd proved to them countless times that you're their friend—that you're a human just like them.

Even so... It's obvious the two had changed. You've heard their sexual comments before... that was rather hard to forget.

Whatever. They can't be worse than the hitmen you've met during the sales. Right?

But then again, they have an alleged torture chamber and they've surely murdered a couple of people. Maybe they're not so different. Either way, you want answers from them about your brother. They should be able to give you descriptions about Jimin that don't sound so distant like in his diary.

So you walk around the mansion, first knocking on Jungkook's door to check if he was in his room. Which, he was not. That meant Taehyung wasn't in his room since the two of them practically went everywhere together.

You finally come to the conclusion that they must be in the kitchen preparing for dinner. Sure enough, they're in there when you walk in.

"Oh, Y/N, what a surprise!" Taehyung exclaims as he turns around from you from the oven. His cheeks are flushed pink from the heat and he quickly wipes his hands on his apron. "We're just preparing dinner. Right, JK?"

"Right, Tae!" Jungkook calls from the pantry.

"So, what's up?" Taehyung asks as he takes off his apron and leans on the kitchen island, staring at you intently with a smirk playing on his lips. "Wanted a taste before the real meal?"

"I, uh..." you stutter, unsure if the last statement was a crude innuendo or not. "I was just curious..."

"About me? Oh, sweetheart," Taehyung croons. "I'm an open book. What would you like to know?"

"No, Taehyung. I was curious about my brother," you say. "You know what? I'm sorry if you're busy. Maybe I should come back later."

"No, no, c'mon, Y/N. I'll be serious, I swear. What about Jimin?" he asks, gesturing you to take a seat.

"I mean... just what he was like, you know?" you say, timidly. "I missed out on a lot of memories."

"Oh? Well, in that case, JUNGKOOK!" Taehyung calls. "Come here!"

Jungkook dashes over with wide eyes. "What?" he asks. "Did something happen?"

"No, Y/N just wants to know what Jimin was like," Taehyung grins. "Think it'd be better if you helped me explain."

"Ah, right," Jungkook says. "What about him specifically?"

"Anything," you say.

"He hated us," Taehyung snorts.

You frown.

"I'm just playing with you. We all loved each other, of course. Bromance forever, but I could tell he didn't like what we like," Taehyung clarifies. "And we like a lot of hardcore stuff, darling."

"I think Jimin was closest to the underboss at heart," Jungkook says, scratching his head. "But it's not like they even got to talk that much."

"Call him Kim Namjoon, for heaven's sake, Jungkook," Taehyung rolls his eyes. "He's not even here."

"I remember that," you say, wistfully. "Back then, he was best friends with Namjoon... Why didn't they get to talk much?"

Taehyung laughs. "Why didn't they get to talk much, you say? Oh, sweetheart, if you only knew."

You give him a puzzled look.

"That Kim Namjoon won't talk to anyone without a college degree," Taehyung says almost scornfully. "Pretentious ass."

Your heart falls. "And you... Jungkook and Jimin never went to college... Right. Why?"

"Some people had to stay behind, Y/N," Jungkook says, fidgeting with his fingers.

"For what purpose?" you ask, scrunching your eyebrows.

"To make a hierarchy," Taehyung snorts. "Which, if you haven't noticed, Jungkook and I are at the bottom of."

"O-Oh," you say, taken aback by such an upfront answer.

"You're wondering where you stand?" Taehyung asks.

You weren't, but you were now.

"I'd say above us but below Yoongi and Hoseok," Taehyung says. "That degree of yours makes you better than us already."

"I-I don't know what to say."

Taehyung grins. "A lot of women don't after dealing with me."

"Still planning to sneak girls into the mansion, huh?" you sigh.

Taehyung frowns. "How'd you—"

"I have my sources," you say. "Anyways, sorry I bothered you two... Do you need any help with dinner? I'd be happy to help."

"It's okay, Y/N," Jungkook says. "You can go and relax, but thank you for asking."

"Oh, alright..." you say. "Thanks, by the way."

"No problem at all," Taehyung says, winking at you. "And if you're ever feeling a little lonely at night, my bedroom is always open."

"I'll keep that in mind," you dryly say as you walk away with a frown.

They've changed, there's no doubt about it. And you wonder if they would've changed this much if there wasn't a stupid 'hierarchy.'

Dinner had been delicious as usual, but you couldn't exactly focus on the food. Ever since Taehyung confirmed the hierarchy, you couldn't help but notice what it had done to the six men. The boys who had used to play-fight each other were all tip-toeing around the man at the top. And it was unsettling for you to watch.

So, you made up your mind to talk to someone about it.

"Hey, Namjoon, do you have a minute?" you ask after dinner.

Namjoon looks startled since both of you had been avoiding each other the past week. "Y/N? Oh, of course. Yes. Sure. Would you like to go to my study to talk?"

You nod. "Yeah, that'd be great."

Namjoon's study is absolutely breathtaking. Bookshelves tower over you, filled with all sorts of novels that look as ancient as time itself. The room has a nice, oaky smell to it, which comforts your spiked nerves.

"You may sit," Namjoon says after he takes his own seat on a brown leather chair.

You raise your eyebrows. "Okay..." you say as you take your seat across from him.

"Now, what is it that you must talk to me about?" Namjoon asks.

You notice that even now, he refuses to meet your eyes.

"I just... Well, I wanted to know what Jimin was like," you blurt out. The hierarchy stuff can wait for later.

"Jimin?" For the first time in a while, Namjoon looks up to meet your eyes. "He... Well, he was ambitious, though you probably already knew. He liked to be accomplished. Actually contemplated going to college, too. But one day just decided he'd like to be a bartender, instead. He got really into that job..." Namjoon trails off. "He liked to tell us the funniest things he heard at the bar. Not any of that inappropriate bullcrap Taehyung likes, but the actually humorous stuff. We all really loved him, Y/N. He was a good soul, your brother. Couldn't stand working with Taehyung and Jungkook sometimes... He never liked unnecessary violence."

"But he was a hitman."

"He was," Namjoon confirms. "But that's all he could be. He didn't go to college. What else could he do?"

You frown. "A lot else if you think about it. College doesn't define intelligence."

"It's better to have an education here, Y/N," Namjoon sighs.

So I wouldn't be stuck doing servant's work around the house? But you don't have the guts to say that out loud.

"You two were best friends, though. I remember," you say. "Did you stay as best friends?"

"Well," Namjoon sighs. "It's complicated, Y/N. I don't know if you want answers."

"I think I do. Why else would I be asking the question?" you say, frowning.

"Careful, there," Namjoon says gruffly. "You shouldn't talk back."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean—god, I'm sorry, Y/N. Why do you want to know so much about Jimin, anyways?"

"I haven't seen him for six years, Namjoon. And now he's dead. I miss him, yet the last memories I have of him are when he was only eighteen. I deserve to know, right?"

Namjoon sighs. "Well—"

Suddenly, the door bursts open, making you jump and Namjoon furrow his brows.

"Joon!" Seokjin says urgently. "We have business." He turns to look at you and gives you a small smile. "Hello, Y/N. I'm sorry, but can you excuse Namjoon from your conversation? We have to be away for a while."

"Y-Yeah, sure..." you say.

"Great, thank you," Jin says as he ushers Namjoon out of the study. "It's nothing you should be worried about," he adds before rushing out with Namjoon at his heels.

He's as quick to leave as to come.

And you're left all alone.

All you have left is your brother's diary to help give a glimpse of who Jimin had become. You trudge defeatedly back into your room, picking up the diary and hugging it to your chest.

You stare up at the ceiling from your bed for the thousandth time. There's nothing new to see up there as per usual. You'd never really had an expansive imagination either; you see things as they are, so it was hard for you to make use of such a blank ceiling.

Sighing, you turn over to your side, curling up so your knees are pulled to your chest. Being in a fetal position somehow helps calm your feelings. You lay like that for a few minutes until there's a knock on your door.

Usually, a knock signifies Taehyung or Jungkook. But these days, it's been Yoongi.

"Yes?" you call out, getting up to straighten your clothes a bit.

"Y/N?" Yoongi answers to your relief. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure," you say, smiling as you set the leather-bound notebook down on your bed.

Yoongi saunters in, giving you a small wave before sitting down on your floor. "I don't know. Hoseok was kind of being a pompous ass. I mean he's great and all but... Eh, I wanted to talk to you."

"So I'm your second choice?" you laugh before sitting on the floor as well.

"Ha, more like third," Yoongi snorts, then pauses. "I'm just kidding, you know."

"I know," you say. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Um, anything we find interesting, I guess. I particularly liked the peculiarities of our last conversation," Yoongi laughs. "The one about the impending crash of the economy from the bane of stock markets."

"Right! Black Tuesday part two!" you giggle, shaking your head. "I don't know. What's on your mind?"

"Oh, well—is that Jimin's diary?" Yoongi suddenly asks, pointing at the notebook on your bed.

"Yeah," you say. "How'd you know?"

"We all have one. All seven of us. I wrote half an entry and stopped a while back," Yoongi laughs. "But it looks like Jimin continued... He was always so dedicated. You've been reading it?"

"Mhm," you nod. "It's been helping me get through all of this. Kinda."

"Kinda?"

"Jimin's changed a lot from the last I've seen him," you say. "Oh god, this is getting depressing. Can we not be depressing? I felt pretty down this whole day. Let's talk about something happy."

Yoongi smiles. "Our childhood was pretty happy."

You hum in agreement. "But you know what's a bit weird? I don't really remember you in it as much." You pause. "No offense, though."

"None taken," Yoongi grins widely. "We weren't very close, I guess..." he trails off. "I mean, you were pretty wild when you were a kid, you know that?"

Snorting, you shake your head in feigned denial. "Thanks to Taehyung."

"Hoseok used to come to me half-crying and half-fuming because of the pranks you, Jungkook and Taehyung pulled on him," Yoongi laughs. "Did you really have to be that mean?" he jokes.

"In my defense," you giggle, "Taehyung was the leader of those expeditions. And now that you mention it, damn, we must've been the ones that made Hoseok... I mean, made Hoseok the way he is now."

"Uptight?"

"Um, I was going for 'bitchy,' but uptight works too," you shrug. "Sometimes, I think he hates me."

"Nah," Yoongi shakes his head. "He has a peculiar way of showing he cares. He'll warm up to you later."

"He used to be so gullible and fun to be around," you sigh. "Now, I literally piss my pants even hearing his voice."

"Wait until you see the underboss get mad," Yoongi snorts. "You'd wish you were never alive."

"Really?" you laugh. "Namjoon? Get angry? Please."

"Oh, you'd be surprised," Yoongi says. "Everyone's changed a lot, actually."

"I can see it," you nod. "What's up with Jungkook? You know, he literally slammed the door in my face a few weeks ago. I heard him crying and I only asked if he was okay. He kinda got mad for some reason..."

"He was probably embarrassed," Yoongi shrugs. "That boy wears his heart on his sleeve. Not a good thing in our situation. And maybe he still likes you."

"W-What?"

Yoongi gives you a funny look. "You didn't know?"

"Wait, what?"

"That boy had the biggest crush on you back when we were younger," Yoongi sighs. "The idiot never did anything about it, though. I wouldn't be surprised if his feelings are still lingering."

"Damn," you breathe. "I kinda feel bad now."

"No matter. He's probably over it," Yoongi shrugs. "Unless he isn't. I think he's having the time of his life with Taehyung, though. Going to strip clubs, drinking, snorting up whatever's white and powdery." He shakes his head disapprovingly. "We were all so much better as kids."

"I agree," you say. "But the thing is, I feel like you haven't changed much."

"Really?" Yoongi smiles. "Can I take that as a compliment?"

"Sure," you say, reciprocating his smile. "Have I changed?"

Yoongi hums thoughtfully. "Not that I know of. You're the same Y/N I knew. Not afraid to speak your mind but wary of your surroundings at the same time. But physically? Yes. Jungkook and Taehyung won't stop drooling over you."

You burst out laughing. "So you're saying that I've gotten hotter?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," Yoongi says unabashedly. "This is completely objective, by the way. Based on my observations of others' reactions around you."

You shake your head, unable to contain your laughter. "I'm a bit appalled!"

"I'm not," Yoongi snorts. "Half of us liked you when we were kids. You were just entirely oblivious."

"Really?? You're dishing out tea, Yoongi," you say, holding your stomach to calm yourself down from your hysteria. "Tell me, did they compete against each other for me?" you joke.

"Kind of," Yoongi says. "I mean, there was no need for competition because we all knew who'd win before we even started. But remember when we used to play house?"

"I'd always get stuck being the mom!"

"And Seokjin would always pick you to be his wife," Yoongi laughs. "You honestly never noticed something suspicious about that?"

"Oh shoot," you mutter. "Now that you mention it, yeah..."

"You know, Jungkook and Taehyung almost fought over who'd get to ask you for your freshman year homecoming," Yoongi adds. "But Jimin found out and banned them both from asking."

You laugh out loud. "I was so sad no one asked me too. Now I know I wasn't completely unpopular."

"I can't believe you were that oblivious, Y/N," Yoongi sighs. "Those poor boys..."

"I thought we were all friends!" you protest. "Besides, it's all in the past, now."

"It was good while it lasted," Yoongi smiles. "Things were so simple back then. If you liked someone, you could just ask them to a dance or a party and it would be a done deal. Now, it's just so much more complicated."

"I wouldn't think you'd be one to chase after love," you laugh. "Much less even think about it."

"Same goes for you," Yoongi chuckles. "Besides, we've got better things to do."

"Exactly," you say.

Silence.

"In retrospect, I wouldn't change what we experienced as kids for the world," Yoongi says.

"Me neither," you say. "I don't know what I would've done without all of you."

Yoongi smiles. "Maybe you'd be annoying Jimin's ass off?"

You hum, smiling. "That's a given."

And so the conversation with Yoongi continues on quite smoothly—occasionally with Yoongi spilling secrets that you had been oblivious to. But talking to him calms you down, makes you feel like any other normal young adult.

It's strange too. When you talk to Yoongi, he seems like any other normal young man and definitely not an arms dealer in the mafia.

You're here, again. Like always. Face up. In bed. And watching the stupid ceiling like there's nothing better to do in your life.

You've spent so much time by yourself and drowning in your own thoughts, you're kinda surprised that you haven't gone insane yet.

You sigh, turning over to your side to face the door. It reminds you of who you would want to walk in to comfort you.

Well... Jimin would be the most ideal comforter, but he's—

You stop yourself. No need to get all sentimental.

Rather, you want Yoongi to comfort you. He's been a good person to have by your side in times like this. Some days you feel better, some days you can barely get out of bed. He's the one who stubbornly makes sure you don't die in your misery. And quite sadly, he's the only one in the whole gang that makes you feel comfortable here.

But then again, you can't exactly trust him either, right? Well, the only one you can actually trust is your brother, Jimin. But he's...

You sigh. At least he left me a diary.

At the ungodly hour of half-past two in the morning (which has kind of become your everyday routine), you decide to read the black leather-bounded diary once more. Maybe if you keep reading, keep flipping backward, you'll be able to see the Jimin you used to know.

It's the longest time you spent reading the diary in one sitting.

Most of the entries are repetitive, though you wonder if Jimin even noticed that. For the most part, his diary seems much more like his stream of consciousness, where he word vomits his emotions, his daily struggles and his life.

But the more you are able to flip back, the more familiar his voice seems. You can hear him in your head, narrating out the words he had neatly scrawled in his diary. The moonlight of the crescent moon illuminates just enough of the crisp pages so you can discern the writing. You find that it's so easy to indulge yourself in the old stories that you lose track of time completely.

There's something about your brother's writing that makes you emotional. If he hadn't been pressured by your parents to pursue the medical field, you think he could've been a writer.

He voices his thoughts into delicate words, detailing his affection for his friends, especially how much he looks up to Seokjin and Namjoon. But he also includes that he's finding it hard to talk to them—that he's becoming distant from the more... educated members of the gang.

Sometimes, I wish I went to college. It’s not that I feel less eloquent or any less unintelligent than the ones who did go, but I feel like college could have been a large part of my life. I want to discuss with the underboss about the Schenck v. the United States case he has to learn about without feeling like a burden since he has to teach me everything. I want to have an intelligent conversation with Hoseok. Maybe talk about the effects of CRISPR in the genomics lab? There are so many things I would’ve liked to pursue at university, but I think I missed my opportunity. There’s nothing for me to talk about because there’s nothing that I really know. No one finds talks of drinks very interesting. And when someone does want to have a conversation with me, it’s always about asking which drinks are a good combination.

On a positive note, however, Jungkook and Taehyung seem to understand what I’m going through. It’s fine. I think the others will come around. We’re still family.

You're a quarter way into the diary now. It's also becoming too obvious that as the diary progresses chronologically, Jimin seems to be more immune to the apparent problems, and the more you flip back, the more glimpses of the Jimin you used to know are shown.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve talked to the underboss. Taehyung tells me not to worry about it too much, and sometimes, that makes me wonder if Tae and the underboss are even close anymore. I wish I could be the peacemaker, but I’m worried I’ll come off as a traitor to Tae and an idiot to the underboss.

The old Jimin took care of his friends with the utmost care, and you could tell it was starting to hurt him when Namjoon was seemingly ignoring him... In fact, Jimin seemed to know about all the ins and outs of his friends' relations with each other. Reading the diary was like reading one large map of social relations.

You’d think after all the times Jungkook’s pranked Hoseok (with the help of Taehyung), Hoseok’d hate him. But it’s ironic to see it play out as something else. I’m getting strong vibes that Yoongi’s actually not too fond of JK. I have no idea why. Just get the feeling.

Then there was:

Apparently, Hoseok and Boss aren’t too close. I should’ve seen that coming. I guess. I mean, for someone as intuitive as Boss, I know someone as by-the-book as Hoseok would definitely irk his strings. I wonder what happened to the family? When was the last time we were all getting along together without separating off into groups of two or three?

It's sad to think Jimin had given up on fixing these shaky relations because he had not mentioned them in the future after writing these entries. It's as if he just accepted it and moved on.

Gosh, I'm starting to feel miserable again. That's enough reading for today.

You tuck the diary away, stretching out your limbs that had cramped up. It's almost four in the morning, but no surprise, you're not very tired. You figure it'll be a good time to go for a late-night walk.

So, you find yourself in the empty halls of the mansion, walking steadily with your hands behind your back and becoming lost in your pensive thoughts. The best part about walking alone at night is the silence.

The concept of time vanishes too, and you're able to roam around the familiar walls of the mansion as if this is the only home you've ever lived in. It's strange. A couple of weeks ago, this place was like a prison. Now, it's as cordial as your parents' home back in Korea. Granted, it's much larger than your childhood apartment.

You're just about to head back to your room, having collected all your thoughts when—

SLAM.

The sound is so raucous, it rings in your ears for a significant amount of time. And it had obviously come from somewhere in the mansion... You cock your ears, walking toward where the sound had come from.

You can't discern how the sound was possibly made. But it did sound a lot like metal hitting metal. You're not too sure, and for some reason, you were eager to find out.

Something about late-night walks makes you quite adventurous. As if the solitude and darkness fuel your courage.

Your vigilance is thrown out the window.

Finally, you come across a large door that's cracked open just a sliver. You would've missed it if you hadn't been so attentive.

Your hand hovers just over the doorknob, ready to swing the door open. Then, you pause.

I'm 78% sure this room is where the loud sound came from... but I don't know how smart it would be to investigate it.

You wouldn't possibly... get hurt, right? Seokjin wouldn't let you get hurt. Namjoon definitely wouldn't. And Yoongi shouldn't—he's your friend.

What have I got to lose anyway? Besides, if you weren't supposed to open the door, it would've been locked. And even besides that, you were a Crescent like everyone else in the house. Nothing should be locked for you.

So you firmly grab the doorknob and push the door open, immediately sauntering in to see what had caused such a racket.

Your heart sinks as you look around the room before your eyes settle right in the middle of it. The gasp that leaves your lips destroys you from within, knocks the wind out of you, makes you so horrified, you are completely immobile.

You shouldn't have opened that door.

—previous | next

—masterpost

—masterlist

[healthgnome]

Dear, Isaiah because it’s come to my attention.

It has come to my attention that the past back-and-forth of abuse accusations have been slowly resurrected and I see now that it is certainly within my time to once more explain my side. I truly wish not to be slandered and lied about on such a big platform and I wish the same for my friends, Ryan and Zayne. I genuinely try very much to be a decent, good, and helpful person. Sometimes I slip up as anyone would but I certainly know that I would never try and genuinely bully or hurt someone. For any time I might have joined in on some fun-making - trying not to go overboard and apologizing if I did end up actually hurting- I once again of course apologize for that. I go with the flow of how I think a dynamic is working and sometimes a dynamic does involve some making fun meant in no big harm. A prime example of such would be the friendships between Mark (Markiplier), Bob (Muyskerm), and Wade (LordMinion777). Where it is within understanding that they are all good friends but Wade gets the brunt of a lot of jokes. Any time there is sincere hurt, not that we have seen- but I guarantee there would be apology.

In Any Case, now that that introduction is out of the way I shall diffuse all that has been said in a post made by former friend Isaiah AKA (currently) @for-abused-kids about myself, Zayne (@thevvytchbytch) and Ryan (@literallyrealdeadstuff).

Not one of us have “stalked” your blog on a daily to find out if you have talked shit. If you mean during that whole giant commotion, sure there was a lot of digging in order to actually provide evidence for the claims we make. After that? Maybe checked out some posts to make sure there wasn’t still any sort of slander on any of our names, or we were informed of such a thing taking place. And yes, you have had their name(s) and mine on your blog in a “talking shit” kind of way.

We did not go to your house after dark, how would you know if you weren’t there. That is assumption. (and you know what they say lol) And a letter was written to your parents coming from a place of concern and explanation. I had not wished any abuse on you to happen.

As well, you are repeatedly saying that we lied to your mother telling her you ripped up the note. It was not meant to be a lie or anything of the sort, we simply had no contact and therefore wanted to make sure the note was actually read.

Hmm. I would really like to point out though that you claim that Zayne had the audacity to go to your home and deliver this note with someone who stole from your home while at the hospital. Do not act like you are not leaving out very important parts to this statement, and that the counterpart, leader, truest perpetrator, and manipulator to this was someone mentioned throughout this letter.

There was a lot of yelling between yourself and Zayne. A lot of it was not meant in harm, which was understood at least eventually; a lot of it was out of anger because something had happened, was done, or was said. And there was a lot of back and forth.

Allan was a friend of all of us for a while until he was slowly let go from all of us because he is a bad person. Personally, I stayed friends because my really fucked up brain could not handle being any more alone than I already was. You had liked him for a long time. Told us about it, or when certain things may have happened; sometimes these feelings went away (which is normal), and sometimes they were strong. I can provide proof for this too. Yes he was an awful person, and I was usually on your side when he did bully you. I did exclaim, and of course I understand how feelings work, that perhaps not being friends would be a good idea. I also told Allan this countless times but he enjoyed messing with you and I am not him nor could I control his actions.

The competition? There was a small friendly barely-a-competition thing going on in regards with Zayne. And it had barely lasted as well. At least from what I understood.

Ah yes the cum stains things. We used the word cum out of what we thought would be respect for your identifying away from femininity. Just as we would use the word “dick” or any variations thereof rather than vagina when referring to most of us and genitalia. Which sounds gross to say but we are teens, most of us horny, most everyone on T, genitals were a common point of discussion. And yes, you did leave vaginal discharge stains, or cum stains or whatever you feel most comfortable calling it, on the futon. And this is a pretty normal thing from what I know. People “get wet” and people have sexual liquids. It be like that.

From what I, and many others know, you do talk to a lot of people, including children, about your trauma.

I don’t remember you purposely triggering Zayne with Ed Sheehan, you did not have control anyway; Allan was the controller and was persistent on having that song on. However, you have attempted to physically hurt Zayne when you punched them. It did not actually hurt because it was frankly weak (not that I could do much better). What next you’re referring to after this is that Zayne was allowed by yourself to punch back; they simply know how to and are stronger than they appear.

Oh god. The Asian thing. That’s a huge bag on it’s own and has been talked about previously, you want more info on this or another post? Talk to me. Here is a link to a post with a bunch of evidence of this and other things & here is a link to a quick post by Ryan. There will also be a couple of photos at the end of this. But simply, Isaiah, your evidence was hardly; you have very white features, two very white parents, and have never presented otherwise, this coming from a very white person.

Congruently, have you seen Ryan or a picture of him recently? He has anything but thin lips. If you’d care for an example of thin, look at me. His hair is quite thick, has varying curls throughout as has been complained about and explained in the past. As well, it does deeply tangle itself if not taken care of daily. I, on the other hand never brush my hair- at the same length- and it barely gets more than a little disheveled. There is evidence of all of this. He does not at all have a small nose. Whilst not the darkest person, the summer provides a pretty good tan, more so in his youth. His father is actually not white- which is a known fact rather than a guess. If he is at least a quarter black, and has those features, I think it’s fair for him to claim that he is mixed on a hookup/dating app.

Oh, and I am quite aware of all of the arguments you’ve had about your father and his heritage. It’s what sparked that one post about the “Native American” 80’s/90s festival necklace. Which was a genuinely funny incident if you look back on it.

I have heard varying things to do with you imagining sex with anyone you are friends with. Just as I have heard varying statements about a lot of things that you exclaim to have or currently happen in your life.

We have called you straight as you have called yourself straight or straight-passing because of the fact that you were or are masc-aligned and would now prefer to date fem-aligned individuals due to trauma. But considering you are not mono-attracted to only men/masculine leaning individuals, you are not completely gay either. So if you can call yourself one you can essentially call yourself the other since you seem to be comfortable enough doing so. (I’ve recently seen a word to use for nonbinary-straight attraction! it’s “strayt”; similarly, there is “gai.” I bring these up not to make-fun or cause harm but they may be useful to you.)

In regards to Ingrid, as far as you have spoken to us and as we have seen, you have changed what you claim to have identified as whilst dating her. From secretly trans, to a cis girl, to questioning (not in this order, necessarily). Regardless, for many reasons it seems as though this was an unhealthy relationship.

You have taken stories right out of others lives and claimed them to be your own, these would be delusions, dear, not hallucinations. And it is at least a possibility that a lot of other things are delusions, too. This coming from someone who has had experiences with some sort of psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, gas lighting (from yourself, Isaiah. as well as from others.) and other such things that I can explain more if asked. And there is evidence of this all, as well.

I have never been abused by my parents. They are wonderful individuals who also try to be good, decent people. They have taken in my friends (including you, Isaiah) and done a lot to help them in times of abuse and need as well. That being said, there can be, from what I’ve seen, varying degrees and methodologies of abuse that different groups take part in. They are all horrific and I absolutely, full-heartedly, condemn all of it. But that is a fact given by apparent evidence. This being said, your parents have Not admitted to doing all of this, at least not to yourself, but to your sisters. I am genuinely curious as to why, if they’d admit doing harm to them both to you and in writing, why would they not come through with all of this to yourself?

On this topic, Stockholm syndrome, while something truly awful, is a kidnap-specific symptom. You can google how it affects others, but those websites are a lot less trust-worthy. We both went through the Hell of the junior research project and you are an academically intelligent person, you should be able to tell the difference between a trustworthy site and an untrustworthy one.

As far as your gender, speculations have been made based upon a lot of things you have said, and some seeming fetishization of nonbinary people. This is not said to invalidate your feelings or anyone else’s for that matter. It is simply that you are a rightfully suspicious individual. Again, this coming from trans people both binary and non- alike.

Regarding what I’m pretty sure is the video of you sitting on my legs, Isaiah, I don’t remember if there was an apology (whether or not in the video) but this wouldn’t be the first or last time something like this had occurred.

Finally, you have abused me. You have done me harm and I now understand that. I have tried to do a lot for you but you have done a lot to and taken advantage of me and my mental state. 

Once again here is a link to a post with A Lot of evidence. Want more? Contact me.

As always, best regards to your mental health,

former friend, Alana.

PS; Please, for the love of everything, do stop misgendering Zayne and use *their* correct pronouns ( they / them ) !

The photo below contains obviously curly hair, not-at-all thin lips, a not-at-all small nose, etc. You can see.

[onaa-ohokthen]

One problem with the resist-anti (or anti-anti) people i read on tumblr is that they all seem to take a radical, almost Chomsky-like attitude to expression; literally anything goes. Which is equally unhelpful. and I am An Old, I have opinions:

- write about rape if you must, but use the word, don't call it non-con or dub-con. I was there when those terms were first disc horse, and my position hasn't found a reason to change. (Hymn 474 readers: no, a few sips of vodka a few hours ago does not constitute drunk, at no point was any consent dubious). Can't say the rape word? Don't write the rape story.

- I find anti's obsession with incest really weird, it's just fictional consenting adults. Not even any potential harm.

- I don't like RPF and find it very creepy. I'm guessing everyone has their own ideas about celebrities but why write them down and put them on the internet? If I was famous, I'd feel incredibly violated. That being said, I don't think there should be rules against it, I just wish people had a better moral compass I guess.

- In normal, not American countries, the age of consent is generally lower than 18 - mid teens or so. I don't have a single issue with teens being sexual amongst themselves in fiction or reality. I started being horny as hell when I was twelve (before any Americans die from pearl clutching, I was also ugly as hell, so I didn't get any until many years later. ) But stories where kids younger than that are portrayed in sexual contexts? I would cry exactly zero tears if that was made against the rules of any site ever. I don't care that it's fictional - while no actual children are harmed, any and all content that encourages the sexualisation of kids is, quite frankly, gross as fuck. Yes, that includes child pageants and dance moms. I remember a lot of people I know being upset that a guy (in Sweden) was charged with possession of child pornography when it was all in manga format and I... wasn't. There are crimes that are crimes against people, and those that are crimes against society as a whole. People who create sexual content with actual child-age characters in it will get ALL of my side eye and I will stay far away.

- While I'm not denying the role that trauma plays in "dark fic", I honestly feel it's been exaggerated in terms of volume. That said, writing can be a great therapeutic tool, what I'm not sure I agree with is the putting-on-the-internet.

TL;DR: you can have boundaries without being an anti

[sxmethingbreaking-a]

//let’s get the post on Cora’s abuse out of the way next, shall we? just so it’s done.

This book does not shy away from it. Cora is verbally, psychologically, and physically abusive, arguably to a degree that I think is a bit more exaggerated than what we see in the TV canon. This post is long, as I’m going into instances of all three forms of abuse. 

TV Cora is critical of Regina- pretty constantly. She makes jabs about Regina’s appearance, her unladylike behavior, her likability, her marriageability, I mean it’s everywhere in canon don’t get me wrong. But in the book, they up this a notch. Or….12 notches. Cora’s critical about everything- she makes snide comments about Regina’s singing voice, her painting abilities, the size of her feet, her weight, her hairstyles, her clothes- it’s all over the place. The one that bothered me the most was about the painting. Regina showed it to Cora hoping for praise, and Cora remaks, “well, we can’t be good at everything” or something along those lines. 

As I said, it’s a bit exaggerated, but it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility for her character. I don’t know that I accept how excessive this criticism is as canon, because the writing of the dialogue in this book is very much not how normal people speak, so….that’s a different issue entirely. Moving on. 

The psychological abuse is also dialed up to 20. TV Cora is psychologically abusive too, but this is ramped up a bit. Again though, most of it is not out of the range of possibilities. It just feels a bit…much. 

So the three main offenses the book discusses are what Cora does to a girl named Claire, whom Regina befriends, Jasper the artist, and Regina’s horse, Hwin. The horse is definitely the most obviously in character- it throws Regina from it’s back, she gets hurt, Cora kills the horse in revenge. 100% something she would do.

Jasper is a little more controversial. What happens is Regina starts flirting and gets him to stand behind her while he’s showing her a painting technique. It is a noticeably sexually charged moment. Cora sees this and flips out about the gross man molesting her precious daughter, and she immediately fires him and wants him out of the house. This would be almost in the realm of understandable, but it’s revealed in the end that Cora was aware Regina liked Jasper, and planned to use the poisoned sleeping curse apple (you know, the one Regina winds up stealing from the Blind Witch? Turns out Cora grew that…) Cora’s plan was to poison Jasper with it, and then for Regina to be unable to wake him with True Love’s Kiss because Jasper didn’t actually like Regina that way, he liked her friend Claire. 

A bit needlessly cruel, and honestly I’m not a fan of how they felt the need to connect absolutely everything. The Blind Witch is the secondary villain in this story and it was very not needed tbh. There was no reason for Cora to be at all connected to that sleeping curse. But whatever, it’s not out of the realm of possibility for her given what she does to Anastasia in OUATIW. (Why didn’t she think of this with Daniel? Excellent question.) 

And then there’s Claire. Oh boy. So this is the main plot, and what it boils down to is Cora takes this girl and rescues her from poverty in exchange for Claire to befriend Regina and spy on her for Cora. The girl is also the niece of the neighbor, Giles Spencer, so it all seems convenient. Regina buys it and becomes fast friends with Claire. Everything is going according to keikaku until one day in the market there’s an incident, and Cora (in disguise) uses magic to protect Regina. But Claire takes the credit in order to keep Cora’s presence secret. Regina then decides she wants to learn, Cora gets mad, she takes Claire’s heart. (It’s pretty noticeable when this happens, actually- Regina starts noticing things seem off about her friend, and you start to suspect she’s either Cora in disguise or that Cora has her heart.) In the end, this was revealed to be an extremely fucked up way for Cora to “protect” Regina from…yeah I’m not really sure tbh. Cora just wanted to spy on her daughter really. There’s a lot of reasons this all doesn’t quite add up when you read the book. (what all did Cora know, how much was Claire reporting, why the fuck was Cora just letting Regina and Claire run off to the Blind Witch’s cabin if she had Claire’s heart the whole time…) It’s…eh. It was a predictable twist, but not the most well executed. The ending of the book turns into a bartering match between Regina and Cora when Regina finds out the truth. Claire gets her heart back, but there’s Rumple-esque deal making going on to get that to happen and it’s all very…….off. For both characters, frankly. What Regina winds up doing with her end of the deal feels pretty out of character for her, too, given the way she behaves in The Stable Boy. 

Finally, the physical abuse. It’s portrayed but kept to a minimum. There’s no beatings or whippings or anything that awful. The two major instances are when Cora slaps Regina across the cheek (I winced guys,) and the second is when Cora…sort of…gags her? It’s kind of unclear what’s happening, the writing isn’t the greatest. It seems like Cora makes Regina’s sash come to life and gag her, but then also her hands are restrained above her head, but then Regina almost falls over and the hands aren’t restrained anymore and Cora’s like “you okay?” but the gag is still in place….idk, that whole scene was not well done from a writing standpoint. 

The slap I wholeheartedly reject as canon. I mean….maybe I could see it happening once or twice in Regina’s life, but I have never believed Cora would strike Regina and risk bruising her or marring her face in any way. And it even feels out of character for this book, because Cora does make such a big deal out of Regina’s appearance. The scar is dealt with by the novel, and Cora did not want it there at all. So this action makes no sense to me, and it is entirely out of line with my personal headcanons about the physical side of the abuse. 

The gag, though…….doesn’t seem as out of character. The reason Cora gagged her was pretty damn unnecessary, but Cora’s portrayed as much more emotionally volatile and unstable in this novel, so….I felt like it was written for the express purpose of causing drama, not because it made sense in that moment. But it does seem like something she would do under the right circumstances. 

Honestly, that was a problem throughout the novel- drama existing for drama’s sake in scenes that didn’t need the drama. It didn’t feel very organic much of the time, and the instances of Cora’s physical abuse were both examples of that. Not to say that it wouldn’t have happened- the gag in particular- but the characterization felt just off enough that neither of those instances felt authentic to the character. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #62

“for better or for worse, i was born into a hearse.”

what do you normally eat at a barbecue?   honestly, i suffer at a barbecue.  i don't like anything that is usually cooked. do you prefer aquatic creatures or flying (water or air)?   flying, i presume. would you like to go swimming with dolphins?   i'd be kinda iffy, because i know dolphins can be quite mean, but i'd still do it. what to you is beautiful beyond all compare?   jason.  well, he's handsome, but you get it. in 5 years time, what do you NOT want to be doing (worst scenario)?   uhhh i guess be in prison for murdering ashley. have you and a friend ever gone after the same person?   thank god, no. do you lead people on?   i do not. have you ever been told that you were going to hell?   nope. do you know any actual dances or do you just move to the music?   not really.  i just know shit like the cupid shuffle and uhhh... not the electric slide... what's the other song like it? name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents.   they built their own house. do you know which side your appendix is on?   uhhhh... left, i think? if someone was willing to tell your crush you liked them would you let them?   it'd be useless.  he already knows. do you put q-tips in your ear or just round the outside?   honestly i'll put them into the ear a bit because i hate my ears feeling waxy. have you ever popped another person’s zit?   no, thank jesus. gave you ever told a friend to dump their SO? did they?   yeah, summer when she dated nick.  she did eventually. what do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else?   back dermals. who do you tease most often and what about?   the only person i've ever been comfortable teasing was jason.  i'd call him a geek a lot, but he knows i didn't mean it harmfully.  i'm attracted to geeks anyway. most disgusting bug?   disgusting, well, obviously the dung beetle. favorite thing you’ve ever painted?   i painted two meerkats grooming each other on burlap in acrylic in high school.  turned out stellar, in my honest opinion. when it’s your birthday, do you have the correct number of candles?   i probably won't this year, as 21 is quite a few. when you take surveys, what kinds of questions do you HOPE will be asked?   just unique ones.  questions you very rarely hear, or my favorite, controversial ones that really invoke thought. do you like 80s music?   80s metal, hell yeah. what kind of food is your favorite? (Ex. Mexican, Chinese, Thai, etc.)   american how would you feel if you were drafted for the military?   i'd rather die. would you have sex before marriage? why or why not?   i still don't know.  i've said before i regret not letting jason take my virginity, and i don't want regrets.  honestly, if by some miracle he comes back, i'm ditching it.  through him being gone, i have truly seen just how much i adore him, and when you love someone this much, i don't care if i'm not legally bound to him, he deserves to know me like that.  if i start a new relationship, though... i kinda doubt i'll ever have sex until i'm married, because if jason can't take my virginity, i don't want another man to until i'm married to him.  jason had to wait, so does he. lmao reading that, my logic is so fucky, idk. how do you feel about shaved pubes?   if you don't like them, shave them.  good for you. are you more liberal or conservative?   i'm definitely more conservative, but have some liberal views. why do some teenagers drink alcohol?   i'm sure everyone drinks for a different reason. do you like obama?   i don't know enough about him to judge fairly.  i disagree with some of his policies that i know about, but he honestly seems like a really chill and funny dude. would making abortion illegal really be the logical thing to do?   fucking yes it would be.  and DO NOT give me the "it'll only stop safe abortions" argument.  guess what?  murder's illegal.  still happens.  a mother should in no way be comfortable killing her spawn, and i am disgusted beyond anything more in human nature by the fact people do it without even flinching.  just.  shit.  i have so much to say about this.  i do pity a woman who decides to have an unsafe abortion, yes, but no, i will not say sorry to you that a child "inconvenienced" you.  i do not CARE what is going on in your life, you act like a fucking adult, suck that shit up, bear the child, give it up to adoption.  think it'll scar you for life?  guess the fuck what?  shit far "worse" than a CHILD happens to a good majority of people. lkasjdoaisuere i really don't feel like going on with this.  and i know i sound so feisty with this subject, but i am just so passionate about the issue. does the person you like, like you?   apparently not. what's the most sexual thing you've done?   idk, oral i guess? what's your opinion on masturbation?   this question seems to come up a lot lately in the quizzes i'm finding...  but anyway.  it's wrong.  lustful.  gross in my opinion, i don't care how clean you may be. do you wish you had an eating disorder because you want to lose weight?   okay, i want to lose weight VERY badly, but i would never wish an eating disorder upon myself. what is your favorite queen song?   "bohemian rhapsody," duh! who is the sexiest celebrity? would you cheat on your partner for this celebrity?   link neal is daddy af.  but no, i wouldn't. how often do you cuss?   just as often as i say "normal" words. how is your self-esteem?   non-existent. have you ever thought about committing suicide?   tried it. have you ever cleaned up someone else’s vomit?   i have not, and i couldn't. would you kiss the last person you texted?   that would be colleen, and no. do you think you exercise enough?   i don't exercise period.  i feel too fucking weak to ever do it efficiently and because of my medication, i sweat to the point that it is NOT worth it. you’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up. what do you say?  "hi, sweetheart." if i offered to buy you a chocolate bar, which would you choose?   hershey's, please. have you ever written a song or poem for someone special?   i have.  i hope he still has it... have you ever been told that you resemble a celebrity?   no, but i've been told i resemble a video game character.  well, i did. in your life, who is the person that seems to understand you the most?   of all the people in my life, i thought jason did. last time you got goosebumps?   well i'm still watching the "life is strange" playthrough from earlier and this fucking game gives me goosebumps pretty easily. do you have a beatles shirt?   no, i don't enjoy them enough to have one. what color(s) have you dyed your hair?   i've had black, red, purple, burgundy... probably more i'm forgetting. do you think about the way things used to be often?   my life's consumed by it. have you ever dated a ginger?   nope. have you ever cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend?   nope. how do you like being roused in the morning?   ... i'mma just say a "certain way" by jason like he liked to do. favorite food?   jalapeno pizza what is the best news you could hear right now?   "jason wants to give you an apology." do you listen to screamo?   no, it's one of the rare metal sub-genres i do not enjoy.  i want to be able to understand the words. does your town/area have a farmer’s market? do you ever buy your vegetables there rather than grocery store?   area, sure, maybe like an hour away.  town, no, so we don't really buy groceries there. you're on life support, and you want someone to pull the plug.  who do you want to do it?   honest to god... if jason could do one more thing for me, if that was my life... it'd be that.  he's already done so much to me that he might as well kill me, too.  it sounds dark, i know, but if that was my life, living in such torture, i'd want him to take the roll of messiah again, one more time, like he did when we were dating.  for him to save me from a fate worse than death, for him to do that one last thing for me, maybe i would die at least slightly happy.  I AM NOOOOOT saying i want that to actually happen, i don't at all, but if it were to happen, i'd want jason to be the one to muster up the will to visit me even once to do it. has anyone ever “ruined” anything for you (for example: your partner says, “oh, this song always reminds me of my ex” and you never want to listen to it again, or your friend is so obsessed with a movie that you start to resent the film)?   ohhhh boy.  OHHHHHH BOY.  can i actually like... vent here about everything jason ruined for me?  just to get this shit out, because i'm honestly still hurt that so many things i can't experience anymore?  let's start, boiz! motionless in white and black veil brides both trigger me, as they were his favorite bands, but i listen to them anyway.  i can't listen to "the mortician's daughter" and "saviour" by bvb, "city lights" by motionless in white fucks with me a bit, i cannot tolerate "when it's love" by van halen or "all or nothing" by theory of a deadman because i thought both would play big parts in my wedding with him.  i can't listen to "stairway to heaven" by led zeppelin because of that time we danced to it.  i can't watch "american horror story," "supernatural," or "sherlock" because we binge-watched them all.  i can't go to olive garden because he used to work there.  i can't go to office depot because he works there now.  i can't even think of the batman series, particularly joker and harley quinn, without thinking of jason.  i'm most certain there's more, but that's all that's coming to me right now... would you ever get a tattoo in honor of someone in your life?  it doesn't have to be their name.   ... sigh.  three questions in a row where i'm going to go on and on about jason, lmao...  well, the answer's yes.  i know people in my life are going to have problems with it, especially family, but i've seriously considered many tats i want in his honor.  i've thought about the consequences, and frankly, i do not care.  i want them.  who knows, maybe i will move on one day (i doubt it, but who knows), but i can guarantee to you that i may not like, but won't mind having memories on him ingrained into my flesh. so anyone, here's the tattoos i think i'll actually get: 1.) "... and you ain't got his smile" quote (harley quinn quote; the one i'm most likely to do); 2.) "i don't love you like i did yesterday" (mcr song) quote with two hands ripping a heart below it [this song has really helped me through this breakup], 3.) a watercolor blue jay (his nickname is "j bird"), 4.) "i love you more than i could ever scream" (bvb song) quote, and 5.) "saudade" (means a longing for one you cannot have, stuff like that).  yes.  i am seriously considering getting five tats dedicated to my ex.  move along. away from jason, yeah, i'd get tats for other people, too.  i have a shared "ohana" tattoo with my best friend.  i'll probably get something with my mother at some point, too. if you had a significant other and somehow got a chance to kiss your celebrity crush, would you still go for it?   no, honestly. if you still live with your parents, is it scary for you to imagine living away from them when you move out on your own? if you live on your own, how did you cope with moving away from your family for the first time?   i am scared of moving out, yes.  depression makes me... kinda irresponsible, to be honest.  i'm not the best at taking care of myself and such, and i don't want to neglect my house.  when i lived in the apartment, it was a good taste of how it'd be like, and we all failed.  i'm very, very scared of moving out. do you tend to be attracted to people that are more similar to you in interests and mannerisms or do you tend to be attracted to someone opposite/complementing to you?   i'm definitely attracted to people more like me. is there something that people complain about that just makes you roll your eyes because you think is not a big deal and you would gladly trade your own issues for it?   i mean, sometimes, yeah.  at the same time though, i know exactly what it's like to have an issue that people underestimate.  it's the exact reason colleen and i are fighting.  you don't know how well or badly a certain person will handle a specific issue. have you ever received an unwanted gift from someone trying to woo you? did you accept it or reject it?   from juan, yeah.  i've accepted minor stuff, but never anything major. have you ever boycotted a product or corporation? how come?   i don't think i seriously have. if someone asks you to hang out, but for some reason you’re just feeling lazy/don’t want to go anywhere, do you ignore them, make up an excuse, or just tell them the honest truth?   lmao i'll honestly do all three.  just depends. have you heard of or even read the novel, “50 shades of grey”? if so, what’s your opinion about it?   everyone's heard of it, and it's fucking disgusting and demeaning and instills terrible relationship ideals into some people. has a guy ever let you wear his jacket?   jason has a big leather jacket i loved to "steal" while we were in the school cafeteria because i was always cold. has anyone you ever dated called you in the middle of the night just to hear your voice?   no, not just for that. have you met anyone famous?   i have not. what will your next piercing be?   mom really doesn't want to be the one to buy me my tongue piercing because she's so against the idea, so she's thinking of letting me get my lip re-pierced on my birthday. what do you regret doing at FAR too young?   fully and with reckless abandon giving someone my heart. do you have any weapons for personal protection?   no.  i'm not legally allowed to own a gun due to me being mentally ill/having a history of suicide attempts, and i don't know about other weapons. is there a piece of jewelry that holds any sentimental value to you?   yes, a ring jason gave me for our anniversary once.  it had a golden base with a bluish-purple gem.  it was pretty big.  he was so pissed (not at me, at the seller) when it broke, though.  i still have it in the jewelry box he gave me... what does your facebook status say right now?   ehhhh, i honestly kinda exploded last night and went off on everyone who calls me "friend," no one in particular.  i was tired of being so let down by the people who "care" about me. would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone?   no way in seven hells. have you ever had your picture in the newspaper?   i have not. what did you have for dinner last night?   i was so upset that i didn't eat. do you think you look similar to your siblings?   i look less like them than ashley and nicole look like each other, but i do look like them. what do you usually dream about?   jason's always there. do you ever use sleep as a way to cope with bad moods?   i use sleep to cope with, well, a lot.  when i'm bored, i'll sleep, when i feel like crap, i'll sleep...  i almost always take at least one nap a day, and sometimes i'll lie down a second time.  it's embarrassing to admit. what’s the most self-destructive thing you’ve ever done?   letting jason become my world. was (or is) it difficult for you to watch your siblings mature? if you’re an only child, is it difficult to watch family members in general get older?   it's not as hard with ashley, but it really is with nicole.  she's the youngest, and though we're bonded truly only through blood, i don't like seeing her get older.  it's still weird that she has a feminine body and not a child's, and she's 18 for heaven's sake.  all but like one of her boyfriends i haven't trusted.  it hurts me physically when her current bf acts like the shithead he is.  i nearly had an emotional breakdown when i found out she was having sex via the doctor.  i don't like her growing up. have you ever blamed an outside force for a problem you were having?   ... i guess blaming jason for a lot of things. do you find yourself getting more optimistic around new year’s, or does that time of year have a negative affect on you?   there's no change at all.  a new year has no effect on events that transpire, so there's literally no reason to be optimistic. who was your high school crush?   he was more than a "crush," but jason. what do you dislike about your smile?   my eyes squint when i smile. have you noticed that EVERYONE is ‘bisexual’ these days?   erm, not "everyone" is, but i noticed bisexuality becoming popular when i was in middle school.  many, many girls i knew claimed to be so, then would "turn straight" like a year later.  it was stupid. are you online 24/7?   pretty much, yes. who is your favorite online friend?   i don't really have one since mini just kinda ditched me. is it possible to be single and happy?   i'm certain it is, but after tasting what genuine love is like, i'm coming to accept i guess it's just not for me.  i don't want to rush things, though, which i'm scared of doing. is there anyone who hates you?   pretty sure rachel did in high school, don't know if she still does. does your mom know your deepest darkest secrets?   no, she does not. who did you last talk to about the person you like?   mom, i think. is there anyone you trust who you shouldn’t?   jason, i guess. do you want kids?   i guess i do.  but pondering it, there's a minor possibility i won't.  it depends on who i date.  like... before i dated jason (i know ya'll are so fucking tired of hearing about him, i truly am sorry), i didn't want kids.  a year or so into our relationship, i did, solely because i loved him so much.   i wanted a manifestation of us.  when i think of the possibility of having kids, i'm pretty sure i still only visualize it being with my ex, so that's why i still say "yeah i want kids."  who knows... if by some miracle i end up with someone else, i may not want their kids... who knows... have you ever fallen completely in love?   completely and entirely. do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?   of course i do!  love is a fucking perfect thing to celebrate! what was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute?   five years ago, i was busy worrying if jason and i would last.  guess i know now. do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’?   no.  god no.  please. do you have same sex fantasies?   no, i don't. would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath?   i mean, i'd try it, sure, but i don't think it'd be my thing. opinion on immigrants/immigration reform?   i have very mixed feelings with this.  like i understand perfectly that some people have very valid reasons to leave their countries, but we also have to consider our maximum capacity as a country and how easily we could accidentally bring in a terrorist.  because of my mixed feelings, i really can't answer this question should prostitution be legalized?   fuck no. why are you the person you are?   my upbringing, the environment i was raised in, my experiences... if you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept?   sure, i've never tried it before. what are you like when you’re drunk?   i'm sociable, i laugh a lot, and apparently i like to sing.  i like drunk me way more than sober me. do you want a church wedding?   i do not. story of the first time you made out with someone?   so jason and i were playfighting on his bed and to shut me up, he kissed me, and because of me having been talking, my mouth was open, sooo it kinda just escalated from there.  i still remember we kissed about a million times that day, probably.  so i can't be too bad a kisser lol. first time you gave/received oral sex?   i'm pretty sure he gave me oral sex first, but i don't really remember it much?  nor do i recall the first time i gave him oral?  i remember liking it but really not wanting to, and i tensed up very badly.  giving it to him, i just simply didn't enjoy (nor did i really know what to do at all in case i hurt him), even though i'm aware he was clean.  like i'm just sorry, i don't care who you are, i don't want the place you ejaculate and piss from in my mouth.  because of this, we didn't really do oral much. do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?   i still have my virginity. how many followers do you have on tumblr? what about twitter/instagram?   40 on my main tumblr blog, 25 on my survey one.  i am but a smol bean.  i don't have twitter and instagram. first time you thought you were in love? when did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person?   maybe a year or so into my relationship with jason, perhaps later?  and i was and still am in love with that man. ever seen someone just roll out of bed and still look hot?
   that's jason for you.  his hair was always so messy in the morning, but he looked like a rugged angel to me. would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone?   i already have one there. if you were pregnant right now…?   financially, that'd be very, very bad.  regardless though, i'd keep the child and, depending on the paternity, keep it or adopt it out.  the only person i've ever done anything remotely sexual with is jason, so i'm guessing he'd have to be the dad, despite not seeing him for over a year???  if that was the case, i'd keep the baby and raise it as best i could and treasure it beyond belief.  if it wasn't his, this sounds... really bad, but i don't feel like i would have the desire to raise it myself.  it's obvious i don't love myself, so having a child that was a mix of me and god-knows-who would just feel... idk.  i don't feel like i'd be capable of loving it properly, so i'd give him/her to a family that would. have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up?   i have not. do you ever wear boots with skinny jeans?   i used to, when i was slimmer.  i rocked skinny jeans and black boots, imo. is there a den in your house?   there's not a room we refer to as "den," no. what's currently on your mind?   ha, first lemme say a shit load is on my mind.  always is.  but what's lying most heavily on my mind at the moment is how i quit school yesterday, and now i feel like i won't succeed as a photographer.  which is ridiculous, i know, considering all college would do me is give me a fancy sheet of paper.  it would perhaps slightly increase my chances of being employed by a company, but... hello, i want to be a freelance photographer???  getting a degree and digging so deep into debt just didn't seem worth it, at all.  experience is far more important than being told how to photograph, and you can find most information about photography online for free.  it's not worth it for what i want to focus on, i know, but dammit, that little nagging thought in me that says i failed... do you have a pinterest account?   lmao yeah i do.  i shamelessly have boards mostly related to photographs i want to recreate with my future family.  i also have a board related to stylistic/fashion choices and tattoos. have you ever seen the television show the munsters?   yes yes yes yes yes!!! would you/have you spent more than $200 on any one person for a holiday?   i mean, sure.  i might want to get a significant other something pricey, or i'd use it to get christmas presents for my child(ren). thoughts on slenderman? have you even heard of him?   i don't think he's at all scary honestly, but i guess the story of him's okay?  he's an... okay-ish introduction for someone who wants to explore horror games too, i assume. what would you call yourself the king or queen of?   obsessing over my ex. if i paid for you to take karate lessons, would you?   no, honestly. what is the saddest movie that you’ve ever seen?   hmmmm... i am not entirely sure. opinion: on surveys that begin with your name, age, etc?   i either don't take the survey if it's full of basic shit or delete the questions that are always asked. do you know any people who cuss in every sentence?   jason's mother, pretty much. ever written that you were going to end your life?   i've told my ex that over facebook before, yes.  that's the only reason he came to my house after he broke up with me, probably. is life good?   is life good, despite all the hell, struggles, joys, and spans of boredom?  no.  no, it is not. did you lose friends when you started dating someone?   juan stopped talking to me, but i barely considered him a friend anyway. have you ever used the word “rawr” in an actual conversation?   ... yes. would you change yourself for the person you love?   if he's interested in me changing for the better, sure.  but by now, i almost feel like i'd change however jason wanted me to... do you have someone you can be your complete self around?   i mean i guess i can, but i don't. do you have nice eyes?   they're average, i guess. how did you celebrate your last birthday?   we went to texas steakhouse. have you ever had sex on the beach?   no, and that sounds... gross... with all the sand...? would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?   of course. can you juggle?   nope. what’s the last thing you drew a picture of?   i'm pretty sure i drew a portrait of jason last. is your bellybutton an innie or outie?   innie. have you ever been banned from a public place?   i have not. what horror fiction character scares you the most?   scream, definitely. have you ever milked a cow?   no, and i don't really want to. have you ever given blood?   once in high school, yes. do you know any identical twins?   i do.  i forget the other kid's name, it was jason and... something.  remember that story of how the only reason i accepted my jason's friend request is because i thought he was another jason?  yeah, it was that jason. have you ever made your own ice cream?   colleen and i did together, yeah. (: