#i just cried and whinee about this for a while hour to nobody thats how pathetic i am lol

[sadistic-softie]

I fucking hate the process of FAFSA and scholarship applications. It's so fucking complicated for no reason. They're making it so impossible. I'm legit considering giving up on my dreams and wasting all the opportunities my trade school gave me because of this shit. If this gets fucked up for me it's gonna drain all the money from my abusive mother's account and she lives paycheck to paycheck. She can't afford that and I can't afford how she's gonna treat me if that happens. They also emailed her without my permission about the errors even though I told them having contact with her was unsafe??? Anyways, the delays from FAFSA made me miss the deadline for scholarship applications so I'm gonna have to wait a year and I might have to apply for the college again and hope they accept me again and redo yet another FAFSA for like the 3rd time. which is def gonna make my mom pissed at me. They're tryna get me killed I swear. All for what? So I can go "weee forensic science~!" Starting to feel not worth it. Fuck college tbh. I'm trying so hard not to give up. They keep saying there's a mistake on my application on the same part and I keep resubmitting it because there's no mistakes and the fact that I haven't been able to get my FAFSA in has led to me running out of time on some scholarship applications that required information from The returned FAFSA in order to submit but had a time limit and I've been working with my career and college counselor on this and we haven't been able to figure out what to do and it's pissing my mom off and I'm just scared. I never even put her name of the stuff and I told them contacting her was dangerous to me and they still did it. They don't realize how dangerous this actually is for me because being in contact with my mom can and often does lead to me being suicidal but I don't really have control over anything right now so I'm just kind of stuck. I just don't think I was meant to be a human because I don't have the skill set and the mental capacity for this basic everyday shit that every other human goes through and it just feels really pathetic. She was right. I'm never going to fucking be able to be an adult because I can't handle regular shit like this and I don't think I ever will be able to it's just fucking pathetic. Like how am I going to handle the process of buying my own home it's doing bills and taxes and shit when I can't even handle stuff for that people who are 18 do? This is college stuff this is stuff that teenagers are supposed to be able to know how to do and I'm 20 fucking years old and I can't even figure it out with two parents and a fucking counselor who specializes in helping kids get into college. This is why I fucking hate myself. I ruin everything for myself with my own incompetence and trying to fix it makes it worse.

[yourkimjaejin]

Do Whatever You Want

Chenle and Moxy spend sometime time together at the last day of Stray Kids Seoul concert

~ I wanted to add a beginning gif but I'm at my 10 image limit 😔~

Title reference - Haven by Stray Kids

--------------------------

“NOONAaAaAaA!!!! HURRY UP!!!” Chenle cried out drawing a laugh from his favorite hyung, Kun.

“LOOK, EITHER YOU STOP BOTHERING ME OR WE WILL BE LATE!!” Another round of laughter filled the dorm at Moxy’s response.

Chenle and Kun had been waiting for Moxy for an hour now. The two members of NCT were going to Stray Kids last show in Seoul at the invitation of Felix and Jeongin. Kun was tagging along so the two kids could enjoy without so many managers crowding them.

Moxy was kind of stressed about what to wear. She want to look good but not like she was trying to look good. Not that she wanted to impress anyone but....you know......She didn't want to show up any kind of way either

Moxy finished up just as Chenle started whining again from the living room. How is that boy so impatient Moxy thought. She grabbed her backpack and hooked on her FoxI.Ny keychain to her jeans before heading out. The AG dorm was quiet with all the girls out. Hannah was at the WayV dorm making sure Hendery, Xiaojun and Yangyang didn't starve. Juno went out in search of new cherry blossom themed stationary. Lastly, Aurora was in her room facetiming with Jisung while he's in quarantine.

"Finally. It took you that long for that." Chenle gestures to Moxy's outfit. Moxy was wearing a stray kids hoodie that she cropped herself, jeans, doc marten boots and a stray kids hat. Her FoxI.Ny key chain was clipped to one of her belt loops along with a silver chain. She had some light oddinary inspired makeup on to finish the look.

Moxy scoffed, "I look great and If you hadn't kept interrupting me, we would have left twenty minutes ago." Before Chenle could bite back, Kun covered his mouth. "You look great Moxy and before you two get started we should get going or we'll really be late!!" Kun dragged Chenle to the door with his hand still covering the younger mouth. Chenle's muffled protests were drowned out by Moxy laughter

-------------------

-------------

"YOU ALL DID SO WELL!!!" Jeongin, Felix, and Han all ran into Moxy's open arms. The AG leader convinced her manager to let go to the back and congratulate the members of Stray Kids personally. The entire show had her eyes glued to the eight members of Stray Kids the entire time. Her brain was alight with ideas for her own groups concert (eventually).

"Where's Chenle, noona?" Felix asked eyes red after all the crying he did on stage. Some stray tears lingered on his face.

"I asked him if he wanted to come with me but he wanted to give you guys space to celebrate. He said he'd text you tomorrow though." Moxy wiped the stray tears off the younger boys face before turning to Jeongin and smacking him on the arm.

Jeongin flinched, "Ow! Moxy noon, What was that for?!"

"For flashing your abs and not warning nobody. I literally screamed in my seat." I.N started laughing at his noona. Moxy reached out to smack him again but the younger dodged, taking cover behind Changbin. Before Moxy could chase him down, Her manager signaled that it was time to go. Moxy was forced to say goodbye to the members of Stray Kids.

"Let me walk you out." Chan held the door open. The two walked down the hall slowly while Moxy's manager walked ahead.

"So what did you really think?" Chan asked hesitantly.

"I meant what I said Channie, You all were awesome. I can't wait to be up there with AG." Moxy reassured the older. She knew the praise the boys received could be unbelievable but Moxy made it her mission to always remind Chan how much he deserves all of the praise.

"Oh thats coming right around the corner." Chan nudged his shoulder into Moxy's making her snort of disbelief.

"I'm pretty sure Aespa will have a world tour before we do." Moxy kept her eyes trained on the floor hiding her sadness.

She really wanted to believe that. Sometimes she couldn't help but think AG would never stand on a stage together with fans chanted her name. As happy as she was for Stray Kids, the overwhelming fear wouldn't stop pausing thru her mind.

"I don't know." Chan sing-songed. "I just watched your Queendom performance two days ago. Fans are still talking about it." Chan started imitating some of the moves the did. Moxy could stop the laughter for bubbling up. She shoved Chan making him stumble into the wall.

"All I'm saying is never say never. And when your concert is announced you better save seat for all of us." Chan pulled Moxy into his side. The two made it closer to the parking lot. Moxy spotted Kun and Chenle in the van talking to their manager as he got in the front.

"Oh please, I'll have to reserve a seat for I.N on all three days." Moxy separated for her oppa, making her way to the stairs. "Make sure you get some rest oppa. I better not here from Hyunjin your not sleeping." Moxy wagged her finger at the skz leader.

"I promise I won't!" Chan wished the three NCT members safe travel home before jogging back to his members and their dressing room.

Moxy entered the van to Chenle's whining. Again.

"NooooooonaAaAaAaA, what took so long. Don't you know I'm a growing boy that need food to survive." Kun whacked Chenle's shoulder.

"Please, all you were doing was texting Aurora about everything that happened tonight." Chenle whipped around.

"WHY ARE YOU SPYING ON MY PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS!!!!"

The bickering was a pleasant white noise as the van pulled off.

[i8jisoo]

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader 

hyunjin x reader | part four of dad!skz

↬ genre; fluff

↬ warnings; pregnancy, lots of cursing (i have a streak), birth, n kkami bein a meanie

↬ notes; ok this might be my fav in the series | 1.5k wc

u and hyunjin actually were broken up when u found out about the pregnancy

u waited (stalled fuck off) until five months since u really didnt know what to do with the news

u kinda feel like ur insane, playing your ex-boyfriends music constantly and watching interviews of him but it kept u company and gave u a reminder that u still needed to tell him

u got this rly cute popped out bump, just rly kinda like those movies but u know its gonna get bigger and grow to have stretch marks

one day ur just sitting on the sofa of your apartment n the next thing u know ur door is being opened and hyunjin is barging in

ofc ur in a sports bras and a pair of basketball shorts cause they r comfortable and shirts r overrated

ur there with set out marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate, as well as peppermint sticks on the side just eating them together

ur in the middle of eating a smore u had put together

u swallow ur smore slowly, sucking on ur fingertips n just staring at him

“oh my fucking god- and it’s true?” 

ur honestly so confused until u remember u dont have on a shirt n ur bump is showing

ur standing up in a millisecond, hyunjin getting more upset by the second just looking at u

“why— how? how could you just not tell me?”

baby boy has those angry tears and the strained voice hes just so upset and the guilt is setting in for u

“i’m five and a half months.” 

fuck hormones cause next thing u know ur crying and u cant do anything to make it stop

u guys really can’t be mad at each-other, ur relationship was filled with nothing but kindness and it ended only because u two felt it was going no where

ofc u two argued about it and in the end hyunjin was the one who walked out

“we can try again. you can move back in right? we can stay together and put back the pieces.”

u agreed n by the next morning he was there to help u pack ur things up n take them back to his place

he ends up seeing the box of baby stuff, with unopened bottle packages and sonograms, as well as a disc that was labelled as your 3D ultrasound

u find him just sitting there, staring at the black and white sonogram with tears freely falling down his cheeks

he doesn't even notice u next to him until ur thumb swipes the tear away from his cheek

u two just smile at each-other, his arm wrapping around u n pulling u in to his side

“that’s our baby?” he asks, not removing his eyes from the little white blob that barely was the size of a jaw breaker n u just whispered, “yea, it is.”

ur relationship doesn’t exactly get back into what it was at first,,

ur both nervous and cautious around each other

at first he insists he can just sleep on the couch so u can take his bed but u insist u both can sleep together

hyunjin doesn’t mean to but he somehow always winds up with his arm around u n ur bump every morning

he will talk to the bump n tell them how they r gonna have the best mommy n daddy 🥺

“did u know ur mommy is one of my favorite people to be with? i know ur gonna hear the story one day of how we became parents but i have always loved her, even when we weren’t together i loved your mommy. i hope one day you will love someone as much as i love your mommy, i hope you get your mommy’s personality bub.”

ur fake sleeping wbk but u dont move so u can let him talk

around eight months u two are way more comfortable n are getting closer

he lets u borrow his clothes because u used to do that even when u weren’t pregnant and he figured they were more comfortable & better looking than ur maternity outfits 😣

he rly goes the whole nine yards, buying anything u can think of for the baby n he’ll sometimes wake u up from ur sleep (if he’s rly excited) just so he can show u what he bought

hyunjin is in love with u and kkami cuddling together

also when ur due date got closer u both def went out for walks with kkami or played in the dog park with kkami

(u couldn’t really be as active as hyunjin but it was fine with u just watching)

something within hyunjin changes n he just gets so shy n flustered around u ^.^

he’s crushing so hard on u and u can guess he is but then again u two were just living together for the pregnancy

it’s probably three in the morning n hyunjin had just came home

ofc u were crying

a rly cute dog ad was playing with a baby in it as well :(

u explain n hiccup while doing so

hes so s o f t at this moment

he presses a soft kiss to ur lips n ur like wow thats um—

he doesn’t even care how shocked u r this man goes back in for more kisses

“i want you, i wanna be a real family. i wanna one day marry you, have more babies or get other dogs, that’s all i’ve ever wanted since the day we met.”

enywayz u two r dating,, a g a i n

spooning half of the time during ur last few weeks of pregnancy, but the boys come over frequently n for some reason jeongin is always bringing presents?? its cute but u guys RLY didn’t need anymore toys for the baby

u guys r just cuddling n he’s got one hand on ur bump before ur like

“ow,, fuck that hurt.”

“hey don’t swear around the baby!”

u just suppose it’s a hard kick since the baby had been active a lot recently n the pains had been occurring often

kkami is very cuddly today n he’s giving u kisses

hyunjin lowkey jealous cause kkami doesn’t ever give him kisses like that  ⸜( ⌓̈ )⸝

yall ever seen the thing where dogs know pregnant people the best n they can like SENSE something goin on??

well kkami was on it 

baby kkami is sniffing u n just restless in ur lap n its a lil weird cause kkami is ALWAYS sleeping or sitting still cause kkami has turned as lazy as u n hyunjin

u have this feeling but instead u just tell hyunjin u gotta pee :P

newsflash: u didnt n as soon as u got up, boom, theres ur water breaking and running down ur leg

“it feels gross.”

ur literally whining about ur pants while a baby is coming out of ur ... hooha 😳 n hyunjin is freaking out

he’s rushing around the rooms n making sure everything is in the bag and nothing gets left behind

last thing on his mind is changing ur clothes

though he does, putting u in his baggy sweatshirt and a pair of his shorts

hes freaking out lets be honest the thought of u giving birth is fuckin scary

hyunjin is so out of it and spaced out while ur cool n talking normally with pauses everytime theres a contraction

“aish, why are you so worried? i’m the one that should be worried!!”

ur not cool after an u hit the four hours in labor mark

u do not want to be t o u c h e d

touching u is off limits ur so sweaty n ur body feels like its crumbling u cannot deal with someone holding ur hand or holding u

hyunjin just sits there

hes kinda in a different realm while he stares at the clock on the wall

hes so ready to meet the baby but apparently ur body was exactly 4 centimetres not ready :(

hes just trying to distract u by talking with the boys n his other friends, all of the face timing to talk to the parents to be 🥺

yall r wrapping up a call with jeongin when u have the built up pressure feeling again

he doesn’t even explain to jeongin hes so quickly to hang up n ask u whats wrong

“i— it feels like i have to push.”

he’s already pressing the pretty lil white button on ur bed for the nurses n doctors

they confirm that u indeed r ready to push and that the baby is in position

hyunjin trying to take a peek WHAT A WEIRDO

yall hearing ur baby has a head full of hair and u just give hyunjin this look

like WTF no wonder why u had so much heartburn its because of ur fuckin rapunzel baby daddy

here comes the cries, loud n u just heard the quietest sob from beside u which was hyunjin

“it’s a baby boy, congrats!!”

his lil puppy baby boy 🥺

he had a lil pout like his daddy n his brown locks on top of his head

it was kinda creepy how similar they looked

anyways u dont care ur lil boy is p e r f e c t and nobody could dare tell yall different

u would disagree anyways because thats ur lil pouty baby boy n hes so cute 🥺

“we got a pretty good break-up story right? one for the books.”

he’s got baby boy in his arms bundled up but that doesn’t stop u from smacking his arm before kissing him quickly

“yea, we do.”

©️ maysdiors 2020 :: all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.

[offaeandcreation]

Metanoia

Summary: 

Metanoia: a transformative change of heart.Wen Ruohan wakes up in the body of a young man by the name of He Su within an ominous array. Two orders mark his arm with bloody gashes: destroy Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao. Xue Yang was easy. He was already dying, a simple stab to the neck while he was occupied did the trick. The latter though, slightly trickier.

Warning: Mild Gore 

Part of the MDZS/CQL Rarepairs Lightning Round: February 2021

For: @ehyde 

AO3

Rain pitter-pattered on the rice paper umbrella, dripping down in rivets off its edges. Lightning flashed in the sky, outlining the temple in jagged black lines. Wen Ruohan remained just outside the entrance, boots already soaked through and shivers raked at his spine.

Stupidly weak body.

Not for the first time such words echoed in his mind, nor the last. One moment he was in his throne room, a cry caught in his throat as Meng Yao sliced his neck, the next he lay in a pit wearing hemp rags, surrounded by an ominous array and a note. A sharp prick on his wrist forced his gaze downward. He freed his pinky of his busy hand to slowly peel back the grey hemp sleeve. Even in the dark, fragmented by the roar of heaven’s whip, the dark oozing gash contrasted with pale skin. Dried blood wrapped around his wrist like a shackle. The original gash, one of the two remaining. It had grown several cun since the last hour. And so to have its brothers.

Dammit.

Wen Ruohan sighed—it took several months just to track down the first name on the brief list left by the summoner, and he killed him. Sort of. And now the second name, the last on the list, awaited within the very temple before him. Recently, Yu Ziyuan’s brat came gallivanting with that purple Zidian of his. All said brat needed was a subtle gesture towards the temple and the requirement would consider the kill Wen Ruohan. Truly it would have been far better if the outcome ended how he hoped—the gashes would disappear and he wouldn’t have to raise a hand, risk this new weak body of his against every cultivator inside that damn temple. Now he had no choice. Just like the summoner commanded.

He waited a moment, or two, counted up and down from twenty, before approaching.

As he approached, Meng Yao’s–no Jin Guangyao’s soft, sorrowful voice emitted from the temple, spoke as if he tore every word out of his throat. So earnest, almost begging in every capacity.

How cute.

In Nightless City, Meng Yao never spoke in such a ridiculous tone. Softly yes, but even at their first meeting, when Meng Yao lay face-first on the floor in a deep kow-tow, Jin uniform caked in brown dried blood, his voice held strength, forged from steel itself. The memory wrapped its fingers around Wen Ruohan’s throat, pinching much like the metal string did before cutting his head clean off. Wen Ruohan bit his tongue.

“DON’T MOVE!” Jin Guangyao cried out. No. Commanded.

Ah, there it is.

If appropriate, Wen Ruohan would clap his hands with glee.

What a spectacular performance! Tone so tearful and regretful, almost as if you were really sorry!

Jiang Wanyin roared, receiving a curt reply that Jin Guangyao hid his weapon in his own body.  

Wen Ruohan grinned. Clever. Very, very clever. In Nightless City, he would reward such genius. Anything Meng Yao asked, as Sect Leader he would deliver. Personally.

His wrist throbbed.

It’s time.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

His shoes squished against the wet floors, oozing water. The noise proved to be enough for every member inside to look towards him. Well, at least it wouldn’t force him to come up with a stupid one liner. Jiang Wanyin glared in his direction, a red bloodstain on his chest more than enough to explain why he had failed. The Twin Jades, both with their blades out, stared at him with owlish eyes—only differentiated by the different headpieces. A few others stood in different parts of the room, an obvious Nie-robed child lying uselessly on one side and an unfamiliar man holding down one of Jin Guangyao’s “friends.” And the man himself, standing right in the center of the chaos, red string wrapped around the neck of his own nephew who stood a few paces to the side.

Wen Ruohan lifted his chin high, forcing his lips from so much as twitching. He would much prefer Jin Guangyao to be the one in red.

“Sect Leader He?” Jin Guangyao asked, one eyebrow rising, “You-?” he sighed, molten gold eyes glazed with fatigue, “The letter was your doing, I presume.”

The others gaped at him. Mixture of surprise and even wariness in their gazes.

Wen Ruohan ignored the comment, closing his umbrella before shaking extra droplets over the dark floors in its own miniature storm. Silence hung between them, silk strings pulled taut, ready for snapping by a sharp fingernail.

“So that’s the name of this body,” Wen Ruohan replied, keeping his voice light, “and a Sect Leader no less.”

He couldn’t help the snicker that bubbled in his chest as Jin Guangyao’s eyes widened. Almost comedic. Like a newborn goldfish, all eyes and nobody.

“Then who are you?” The man holding Jin Guangyao’s friend interrupted, “Your words just now signal Sect Leader He summoned you, like myself, and you’re focused on Jin Guangyao and not on anyone else. What ‘demon’ has Sect Leader He summoned to seek revenge?”

All eyes slid back on him. Quite a few tilted their heads as if trying to figure out who he was.

“What does it matter?” Wen Ruohan stiffened, glaring at the two men, “I am simply doing what he requested.”

The unknown man narrowed his eyes, but said nothing.

Wen Ruohan took a step forward.

Jin Guangyao’s hand on the gold thread twitched. The Jin child whined.

“Jin Ling!” Several cried out.

“Not another step.” Jin Guangyao warned, intricate muscles in his hand trembling under the light.

Wen Ruohan made the gesture to look at the child. Big watery eyes. Reaching out to Jiang Wanyin, but neither was in any position to close the distance. Poor thing.

His arm throbbed a warning. He grasped the hilt of his summoner’s sword.

“He means nothing to me. Your threat is useless.” Wen Ruohan replied, gazing back at Jin Guangyao.

Jin Guangyao’s mouth slacked before pinching it shut, “A-Ling means a lot to the surrounding people. Aren’t you concerned what they will do if you threaten his livelihood.”

Wen Ruohan bared his teeth, a growl deep in his throat, “So be it.” The moment he ended his sentence, he yanked out his blade, running at Jin Guangyao–

A powerful arm wrapped around his waist. He barely made one step.

DAMN THIS SLOW STUPID BODY-

“I will not allow you to endanger Young Master Jin Ling, no matter your purpose,” Lan Xichen pulled him back, body-blocking him from his target.

Flames licked the back of his neck. His entire face as if on fire. If he was in his old body- if he had even just a smidge of his old cultivation base, this pathetic excuse of a Lan wouldn’t have been able to blink before Jin Guangyao was a stain on the wall.  

Lan Xichen glared down at him, looking more like Lan Qiren than anything else, “Jin Guangyao will face trial for his crimes, and be judged accordingly.”

“If he doesn’t escape first,” Jiang Wanyin muttered.  

A roar tore itself out of Wen Ruohan’s throat, like a shattering sword. The edges of his vision turned red.

“He has you by the ropes. There is no way he is not escaping! And even if he somehow failed, what do you really know about Meng Yao to charge him? What can you say is true and false about him? About what he did? I bet you don’t know the extent of them!”

Lan Xichen had the gall to not even flinch, the only sign of any distress was the tightness around his eyes and the painful squeeze Wen Ruohan’s shoulders suffered, right against the ever-growing gashes no less.

“So you have some stones to throw then?” The unknown man replied.

Wen Ruohan’s throat burned like he drank liquid metal, “I never said I didn’t.”

“Regardless of your personal feelings, refer to Jin Guangyao with his proper name.” Lan Xichen cut in, voice stupidly steady and even, “he will be charged no more or less than deserved,” as if repeating that, Jin Guangyao somehow would fall into their hands even with their precious Jin Ling.

Wen Ruohan laughed. His voice cracked as if he ate sand, “Is that so?” He smiled, his cheeks throbbed from all the gnashing and bared teeth, “I have one question for you then. I heard Jin Guangyao kept…” Wen Ruohan trailed off, momentarily cutting himself out before accidentally directly revealing himself, “Wen Ruohan’s torture devices. Was there one metal instrument, eight teeth, with screws on each handle?”

“Er-Ge!” Jin Guangyao cried out, “Thats-!”

“Answer the question!” Wen Ruohan snarled at Lan Xichen, roaring over Jin Guangyao, “What did he tell you about it? How was it made?”

Lan Xichen’s face paled.

“It’s Wen Ruohan! He Su summoned Wen Ruohan!” Jin Guangyao shouted louder.

Several people cried out. Clatter of swords being unsheathed drummed in his ears. Wen Ruohan felt the tip of metal dig his neck.

“Let me guess,” Wen Ruohan continued, ignoring the prick of the sword’s point, “oh the terrible Wen Ruohan forced me. I had to complete the commission! It was the only way to get close!” He paused, staring at Lan Xichen, “sound about right?”

Not that his answer mattered. Not that Meng Yao didn’t complete commissions; that’s how he garnered Wen Ruohan’s attention.

Creative, pushing the human body to the limit in ways previously inconceivable.

This one, however…

They both had worked on it. Tinkering with the prototype. Leaning over the table so late in the night it might as well have been morning, under the light of a single candle, exchanging ideas, experiment notes, and kisses. Both of their geniuses birthed something so terribly beautiful.

How could Wen Ruohan forget the wide excited smile Meng Yao wore the day the glittered steel slotted perfectly between the prisoner’s rib cage? Even now, the smile wouldn’t leave him.  

“Well? Ask. Ask him to tell the story how that tool came to be. Right now.” Wen Ruohan hissed.

Lan Xichen turned slightly, facing Jin Guangyao. The man stared between his ‘Er-ge’ and Wen Ruohan, mouth opening before shutting, eyes slipping close.

“Is this what you chose?” Wen Ruohan glared at his former aide. Being forcibly held in place, there was little he could do but that.

Purple bags underlined Jin Guangyao’s eyes. Long lashes like staccatos of black against them.

“You chose someone who rejected you.”

How much weight did you carry all these years with Nie Mingjue breathing down your neck?

“and someone you never can show your full self?”

How much time did you spend hiding knives behind your back from your dear ‘er-ge’?

“You chose a father who already proved he would never love you?”

How much time did you spend slaving over thankless work? Talent unappreciated? Company insulted?

“Was it worth it?!”

You chose them over me?

His mouth promptly sealed. Any thoughts or comments cut off.

Lan Xichen’s brother, Lan Wangji if Wen Ruohan recalled, held his hand up as if just finishing the Silencing seal.

“Enough.” He said.

If the edges of Wen Ruohan’s vision watered, it was his own business.

“I’ll only ask this once.” Lan Xichen said, visibly angry, wrenching the blade out of Wen Ruohan’s hand, far stronger than the body he now lived in, “You will sit down and remain so until we finish with our business or we won’t hesitate to kill you.”

“Why not just kill the bastard now? Might as well.” Jiang Wanyin snarled. Jin Ling curled in his arms, eyes narrowed at him. It appears Wen Ruohan had distracted Jin Guangyao enough for the child to escape.

But in doing so, he himself failed.

The sword poking into his neck forced Wen Ruohan onto his knees. Everything throbbed. His sleeves and collar stained in blooming red Spider Lilies. Like little knives, the wounds borrowed into his skin. Much like the device they created together, tearing him from the inside without cracking a single bone.

What a sorry, deserving end. Would he keel over here, soul torn into pieces as He Su threatened?

Thunder shook at the entrance, shaking the entire foundation of the temple. The residents froze in place, all eyes landing to the front, the way which Wen Ruohan last entered through. The door bulged as more crashes followed.

Three.

Four.  

The wood shattered. A figure flew into the room, crashing into the floor. Lan Wangji and the unknown person ran to the figure.

“Wen Ning?!”

Wait, Wen Ning?

The thought stuttered to a stop as a dark silhouette loomed in the doorway.

“Brother!” the Nie child cried out.

Of course... Great timing…

The fierce corpse stepped in. The lantern light illuminated a scowling face, frozen in time.

Nie Mingjue.

All attention on him. Swords changing directions towards the fierce corpse.

Wen Ruohan’s eyes landed on Jin Guangyao. His face several shades lighter, figure trembling.

Great timing.

Nie Mingjue snarled, charging into the room. Wen Ruohan leaped, kicking Lan Xichen at the fierce corpse as he passed by.

“No-” Lan Xichen cried out, but forced to remain put to block an attack, sword barely stopping a hand from plunging into his chest.

Jin Guangyao turned to him, gold eyes recognizing, realizing-

“Too slow!” Wen Ruohan grabbed Jin Guangyao’s arm before he could wrap the damn string around his neck. His free hand flew to his neck.  

How it should end.

Wring his neck like how Jin Guangyao cut him.

An ironic and the only probable outcome between them-

His hand froze before so much as brushing Jin Guangyao’s skin.

Early morning teas shared over a text of ghost stories. Boring, filled with moralistic lessons meant for children. Except when Meng Yao told his own spin.

It wouldn’t move.

Private conversation over a single candle, paperwork stacked around them like a rice paper cage.

The gashes sting, claw like a loud buzz, demanding he finish the job-

The prisoner’s screams were only the drizzle. The tools Meng Yao gifted, or the ones they started making together, far more fun.

His hand doesn’t move. Twitch.

The thought of wrapping his hand around Meng Yao- Jin Guangyao’s delicate neck, pale skin changing to blue and purple...

His mind stuttered to a halt.

I love you.

A simple tap to the back of the head knocked Jin Guangyao out. The chaos brought upon by Nie Mingjue more than enough to easily sneak out. Wen Ruohan stumbled into the rain, soaked through instantly, and his gashes stung.

Tears poured down his cheeks.

A matter of time before he would return to nothingness again.

    This time for eternity.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

—————————————————————————

Jin Guangyao shivered in the cold. The rocky walls dug into his back. The hemp robes an almost nostalgic reminder of the fabric he wore in his youth. Back with his mother at the brothel, and after.

The guards would change shift about now. Silent. Forbidden to make conversation. Jin Guangyao blew into his hands. His golden core could keep him from freezing, but not much else. Perhaps when Er-ge–Lan Xichen returned, he would ask for blankets. Though Nie Huaisang might keep him busy, make the last living moments on this mortal plane as dreadful as possible. If he weren’t on the other end of Nie Huaisang’s revenge, he would have applauded. If still alive, Nie Mingjue wouldn’t have been pleased. Angry. Rightfully so. Why else would Huaisang need to go down this path if not against Jin Guangyao himself?

And Wen Ruohan. Summoned for revenge. The perfect opponent He Su could have possibly selected. Who but him would have the anger, the debt, to repay? And he almost did. Ran at Jin Guangyao with the full intention of snapping his neck. Then he stopped. Dark eyes, He Su’s, yet so his own in that broken expression of his. The same one he wore the moment Jin Guangyao pulled the string. Wide red eyes, brows pinched in shock.

The image creeps on him in quiet moments, when Jin Guangyao sleeps, when he works, a low gnaw and ache that never went away.

Wen Ruohan stopped.

Why?

A loud thunk echoed in the quiet chamber.

Jin Guangyao looked up. One guard shouted before going quiet.

Ah, so Huaisang sent an assassin then?

A figure approached the prison, footsteps clicking on the stone floor with the beat of an invisible drum. Jin Guangyao forced himself to his feet, knees trembling from disuse. If he died, he will die with some smidge of dignity.

The light from a sorry excuse of a window revealed the to-be assassin’s face.

Wen Ruohan.

“Are you here to finish me off?” Jin Guangyao couldn’t help the smile.

Wen Ruohan shoved a key into the door, the metal groaned as he yanked it open, “you would be dead already if I was planning on killing you.” No bite or venom. Just matter-of-fact.

Jin Guangyao blinked as Wen Ruohan shoved a robe at him.

“You can either come with me and leave this place behind, or stay and die,” Wen Ruohan said.  

He didn’t take the robe. “Why didn’t you kill me?”

Wen Ruohan snorted, “You won.”

Jin Guangyao narrowed his eyes, “Won?”

How in the world had I won?

Wen Ruohan’s expression the moment he reached for his neck. The anger. Or lack of it. So close to fulfilling He Su’s request. Yet, just when about to. He stopped. His eyes... not the same before he died. No. Too soft. Could it be…

Wen Ruohan smirked, eyes flashing with amusement, “So you figured it out?”

Oh.

But if the request remains incomplete, then-

Jin Guangyao tilted his head, “You intend to die after freeing me? I didn’t take you for a sentimental man, Wen Ruohan.”

Laughter. The same one that always burst out from him when it was just the two of them, deep in his chest. Unbridled and earnest. Wen Ruohan grabbed the edge of the wall to balance himself as he wheezed.

“Not quite,” He managed to say, “The requests were to destroy Jin Guangyao and Xue Yang,” Wen Ruohan recounted, “I killed one and you…” He closed his eyes. Lashes not as long as his old body’s, face not quite his, “I was ready to die and yet, after the temple, the marks disappeared,” He shrugged, “perhaps in all technicalities ‘Jin Guangyao’ is dead.”  

Interesting.

His eyes met Wen Ruohan’s. Already he missed how the red would change colors with different emotions: glinting with mirth, darkening with desire. These black eyes merely swallowed everything whole.

Looking over his shoulder into the dark hallway, Wen Ruohan warned, “We have little time. Someone is bound to notice the guards. Do me the favor and use that clever mind of yours to decide.” He held up the plain grey robe.

Jin Guangyao snorted, “Do you have a plan?”

“Does running count?”

So no plan. If they escape, they would both be fugitives. They may have a chance to run to Dongying. Leave the cultivation world. But it all was too quick. Would Wen Ruohan turn on him? He says he can’t hurt him now, but…?

“Do you still hate liars?”

Wen Ruohan snorted, smile glinting off the few rays of light that slipped through the hole above, “nothing I hate more.”

“Then?” Jin Guangyao offered.

“I’m willing to trust you.”

Jin Guangyao nearly stumbled back a step, jaw dropping, “Even after I-”

“Yes.” Wen Ruohan said. The mirth fell away; his expression neutral, that of Qishan Wen’s Sect Leader.

“Why?”

“You have nothing to hide nor to lose. Neither do I. I’ve seen you at your worst, and you’ve seen me.”

Not once had he lied.

“You aren’t under any obligation to stick with me once we leave,” Wen Ruohan continued, “If you feel safer going our separate ways, I will follow. If you want us to stay together…” A pause. His eyes fluttered close, throat visibly moving, “I would like that.”

Huh…

Wen Ruohan watched. Even with the occasional backward glances, he did not repeat his past warning. Hard to gauge his expression with the unfamiliar features. Perhaps it was a matter of getting to know him again.

“Dying was never my strong suit” Meng Yao accepted the robe with a flourish.

[theravencawsatmidnight]

On The Prowl... Pt.Five

A fantasy AU

!!!!NSFW!!!

All parts can be found under the Ontheprowl tag! Thank you for reading!

——————————————————————————————————————

A/N.Enjoy

Warnings: Non Con. Heavy touching. Mentions of death

Shinso kept you stuck to him for what seemed like an hour and a half. You did not complain though. You were where you wanted to be. He spoke to you the whole time you were stuck to him to help you relax and come down from youre high.

“You are such a good incubator .”

“Letting me mark you , youre mine.”

“I knew you were diffent the moment i caught youre scent”

“Ive filled you up with my kittens isint that great?”

He smiled at the little squeak you made in response.

“I cant let the others try to breed you . It would complicate things for me. So no sneaking around okay little incubator?”

You agreed instantly. You did not want them anyway. You just wanted Shinso. He lifted you up and off of him and quickly cupped youre sex making sure nothing came out. You hugged his arm nuzzling youre face into it enjoying how fuzzy it was. Shinso moved his paw to not see anything on it , he purred admiring his work for a minute. He brought you to his arms getting up out of the water walking back to the den.

The others would not be too happy but thats okay. He marked you. So they could not touch you without dying. And as for... eh who cares. No one would dare try to take you from him. He looked down at you to see you snuggling into him and rubbing youre stomach , you had a dizzy grin on youre face. He purred deep making his chest vibrate and you giggled hugging him.

Shinso arrived at the den to see the three digging into some deer . They all instantly sniffed the air and their eyes shot right to you. The growls brought you out if youre happy fantasy and you looked over to see them staring you down. Shinso put you down by the group and went to grab a deer for himself . Bakugo got up stomping over to you , he kneeled down sniffing you and Shoto went over too , he sniffed you too and Chizome walked behind you seeing youre back. He barked and Bakugo turned you , he roared and Shoto growled in anger.

“You marked her didint you?!” Bakugo said getting up.

“He bred her too.” Shoto said pressing his paw on youre swollen heat , it made you whimper and shuffle around.

“What makes you so special Shinso?” Asked Chizome

Shinso came back with a deer over his shoulder . He sat down next to you digging into the deer not saying anything. He didint have too. If they wanted you they could fight him. And none of the men felt like dying.

Bakugo continued to sniff at you and you didint try to pull away. You laid there letting him smell you. He opened youre legs growling at youre swollen heat, and the claw marks in youre thighs . He turned to Shinso leaving you like that .

“Im next if she carries through.” He demanded.

“Fine.” Shinso said still eating.

“Why do you get to go next?” Chizome asked touching youre chest squeezing it in anger.

You purred at the feeling as you listened to them argue.

“Because im second in command thats why!!!” He yelled back

“Shinso is not even first in command though!” Chizome argued back

Shoto’s paw gripped youre other breast , his other paw moved youre thigh up rubbing youre heat. “Hes right though Bakugo.”

“Whatever i dont care.” He shoved Chizome away from you and pryed youre mouth open. You blinked sticking youre toungue out.

He dragged you closer dipping the head in youre mouth making you purr and wiggle. Shinso watched and so did everyone else. They all watched how you eagerlly took him in youre mouth. Licking him happily.

Shinso’s ear turned and he looked up standing up. Shoto sniffed the air standing up and so did Chizome. Bakugo growled leaning over you shoving more of himself down youre throat not paying attention.

“Bakugo get up.” Shinso said .

“Hah??! Why should i?!?”

Everyone got very quiet .. and a new scent filled youre nose.

“... ahh , now what do we have .. here . I leave for a couple days and this is what i come back to? Shinso playing Alpha and many many incubator deaths...~”

Bakugo looked like he had seen a ghost . He froze for a second and slowly stood up. You whined when he stood up but nobody responded to you. You sat on youre knees peaking by Chizome’s legs to see something walking over.

“I would think by now that you lot figured out that the ones here are no good but i guess i was wrong.”

Everyone backed away from you , even Shinso. You whined crawling to him but something caught youre ankle. You looked back to see some kind of ... binding .

“But this one smells different. Like a city. And .. she also smells like Shinso got to her first.”

You were dragged on youre stomach towards whatever was talking . You stopped suddenly and felt a heavy paw on youre back . It made you shake and shudder. You were flipped onto youre back to see a black jaguar with some kind of binding tape around his neck. His shoulders and face were jet black with white stripes. So were his arms and his lower half. He smiled down at you with tired eyes.

“Looks like Shinso had his fun with you already, marked you too so no one could touch you. But that does not apply to me . You see..~” he flipped you back over . “Im the Alpha.” He pushed into you putting his weight on you.

You screamed trying to claw away but he was too heavy . You cried for Shinso to help you but he was just watching. Bakugo had walked away bumping Shinso’s shoulder talking under his breath. “Now no one gets a turn . Great job” Chizome and Shoto followed the lion and Shinso watched in silence.

The jaguars thrusts were heavy and fast , youre front was being scratched up by the dirt and rocks and it hurt. Why wasint Shinso helping you? Who was this jaguar?!? Alpha! !? You did not want his kittens you wanted Shinso’s.

The Jaguar spoke with humor in his voice while he pumped into you hard. He stretched you farther than Shinso did and you whined with each pump.

“Watch closely mmf Shinso. Im sure you did a great job breeding this one but you took matters into youre own - nff. Hands. But this is how you breed a bitch”

“Yes .. Aizawa..”

You watched him with tears in youre eyes , he looked defeated in every way. He just wanted kittens. Thats all. You wanted to make him happy and give him them. Why was this happening? Why was this jaguar in charge?

“You were always the more..gentle of the group.” Aizawa said humping you . “Im sure you thought the mark would keep everyone from breeding her. But i guess you forgot when i was returning” he leaned down to lick youre tears away . “Mmf.. but you knew this one was different. I applaud that Shinso”

“Yes.. Aizawa..”

You whined clawing at the dirt , you were getting no where close to Shinso. It seemed like he was getting farther away. Aizawa roared pushing himself all the way inside you. His release washed over him and you felt it stretch you even more. You laid there limp, twitching. Youre swollen heat twitched begging for him to pull out of you and give you some relief. Aizawa laid over top of you humping into you a few more times making sure you are good and stuffed before relaxing on you.

“There we go.. thats better yes?” He pet youre head. “Shinso why dont you join youre pack and give me .. some alone time with this incubator”

“Yes.. Aizawa..” he looked at you one last time before turning away leaving.

You whined for him reaching out but he was gone. Aizawa laid down on you petting youre head slowly.

“You see.. he should not have done that with you. The original plan was to test the incubators here to see if they were compatable .” He pet more . “Once we found out what happend I decided to go off and search for propor incubators, i left Shinso in charge but i never gave him my title.” He nuzzled into the back of youre head. “I know you will carry to term. You smell just like the ones i found on my little time away. And if you end up having his kittens. I will kill them . And breed you till you are full of mine and only my kittens.”

He laughed up at the sky and all you could think about was how you got here. Where did you go wrong.

To be continued ..?

[atomicwedgienerd]

Boyfriend Twins No Longer

Derek was furious. Last night had been his 21st birthday and what should have been a blast had been ruined by all the jerks at that gay bar. “Boyfriend twins!” The taunt rung through his mind. Nobody had ever made fun of him and Arjun before! They didn’t even look that similar. After all, Derek might be tan but he could never be compared to Arjun. Sure they had both been wearing Abercrombie shirts and khakis in nearly the same hue, but lots of people dressed like that! And besides, Derek though their matching sneakers were cute. And yet, when they walked into that one queer bar in town, the hipsters all turned to them and immediately started laughing. The door guy asked if they were clones and the bartender asked if there was a 2-for-1 special at the Abercrombie shop. Like they were so cool just because they had piercings and tattoos! That didn’t make them unique! There were plenty of hipster “boyfriend twins” in that bar and nobody gave them any guff! Regardless, Derek couldn’t stop fixating on it. He hated being criticized by other gays after a lifetime of being mocked by straight people for being different. He glanced over at Arjun as he snoozed, admiring his butt in the matching pair of Andrew Christian briefs that they had actually bought in a 2-for-1 sale. Well damn, thought Derek, maybe we are a little similar. “Are you ok, hun?” Arjun asked, stirring from his sleep. Derek sighed and turned away. “You can’t be upset about the boyfriend twins thing, can you?” Derek harumphed and turned to his lover, unaware that the mystical forces that grant birthday wishes had decided to pay attention to Derek this year. “I just wish we weren’t so similar!” Derek said angrily. A lighting bolt cracked across the sky, scaring both of the boyfriends. “You’re being dramatic,” Arjun sighed as he got up from the bed. “Let me make you some coffee and we can do something fun for your birthday. Arjun headed out to the kitchen, his ass looking great in the jockstrap he was wearing. Wait, that wasn’t right, thought Derek. They had the same pair of underpants! “Arjun!” Derek cried. “What’s up with that jockstrap!?” “Uh duh, it’s what I always wear, bro,” Arjun yelled back from the kitchen. That didn’t seem right to Derek. He looked down at his own lap and noticed that he was now wearing a pair of plain Hanes tighty-whiteys. That definitely wasn’t right. He sat up and leaned over the edge of the bed but something else was wrong. His feet didn’t reach the floor anymore. Derek panicked and stood up. He looked in the mirror and something was off. Where they had both been a solid 5’11” before, Derek couldn’t be more than 5’8” now and he was looking leaner than usual. There was something weird going on with his hair but Derek couldn’t really discern it in the mirror. He grabbed his pair of thick black framed glasses from the end table and threw them on. His hair was paler, more red, than before and seemed to be stuck in a weird center part. This was not the haircut he had gotten a week ago. And wait a minute! Derek didn’t need glasses! He threw them off and the world turned into a total blur. Derek started to panic, breathing heavily and starting to hyperventilate. Arjun reentered the room, or at least Derek thought the blurry shape was Arjun—it seemed taller—and handed Derek a glass of skim milk. “What’s this?” Derek whined, his voice noticeably higher pitched. “Where is my coffee?” “You can’t drink coffee, bro,” Arjun laughed, his voice noticeably deeper. “You’re spastic enough as it is.” Arjun took a deep sip of his coffee. “Give me a sip of your coffee then!” Derek whined. Arjun laughed. “You need to put on your glasses dude.” Derek did as he was told and was shocked as the world came into focus. The Arjun in front of him was different. He was taller for one, at least 6’2” now, and substantially more muscular than he had been before. Whereas Arjun had always been clean shaven, he was now sporting a decent five o’clock shadow. Derek rubbed his face; it was now smooth where before he had been sporting the beginnings of a beard. And then Derek noticed Arjun wasn’t drinking coffee at all. He had a protein shake. “Something isn’t right!” Derek wheezed. Arjun rolled his eyes and handed him an inhaler. “You need to calm down bro. And use your inhaler. You know you’re not supposed to get excited. It’s time for us to get dressed and head to campus anyways.” “But it’s my birthday!” Derek complained, taking three short puffs of the inhaler. “So who cares!?” Arjun laughed. “Get out of my room and go get dressed!” Arjun’s room!? But they had shared a room for six months. Regardless, Derek felt too timid to argue and he shuffled meekly out of the room. Derek headed down the hallway and then noticed his backpack peeking out from their study. He opened the door and was shocked at what he saw. It wasn’t a study any more. It had turned into a bedroom. In the center was a twin sized bed with Pokemon sheets. The walls were decorated with anime posters and cardboard cut outs of Lord of the Rings figures. There was an entire shelf of trophies from Math League, Chess Club, the 24-Hour Coding Challenge, Klingon Karaoke. Whoever had this room was a total dork! And that’s when Derek saw it. A framed picture on the wall of a total dork with Patrick Stewart at a comic convention. The guy looked familiar even though he was wearing thick glasses and the nerdiest clothes Derek had ever seen. He looked closer and gasped. It was HIM. But this wasn’t right! This room belonged to a total dork and Derek wasn’t a geek! He barely even used his computer. And yet this room had a massive desk with multiple computers on them, running World of Warcraft! Derek looked at the picture again and shook his head. This couldn’t be right. He would never dress like this! And yet when Derek opened the closet. all the clothes matched those in the pictures. Plaid button downs, cheap pleated dress slacks, shiny leather shoes. None of it seemed right. “Hurry the fuck up and get dressed!” Arjun yelled from out in the hall. Derek had never heard him yell like that before. That wasn’t the Arjun he knew but something made Derek quiver. He did not want to make Arjun mad! He sighed and started getting dressed. He buttoned up the button down all the way to the top and felt compelled to add a too short black tie. He put on a pair of clashing brown slacks that stopped a couple of inches above his ankle and couldn’t stop himself from attaching a pair of red suspenders that yanked the waist of the pants up above his belly button. All of Derek’s socks were white crew socks now and they clashed with his black patent leather shoes but he could hear Arjun getting impatient so he threw them on in resignation. He was scared to make Arjun mad; something he had never felt before. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. He looked like a total dork! He had definitely shrunk too! There was no way he was over 5’2” now. “HURRY UP DWEEB!” Arjun boomed from the living room. Derek grabbed his backpack and meekly shuffled out, his confidence totally eradicated. He gasped when he saw his boyfriend. Arjun towered over him now, standing at a solid 6’6”. Where he had been slightly muscled before, he was now a total meathead, weighing in at 300 lbs of pure muscle. The five o’clock shadow he had moments before was now a beard of epic proportion that came down to mid chest and his hair was up in an unruly and super masculine bun. Arjun’s muscles were massive… unlike anything Derek had ever seen and they were on full display as Arjun was now wearing a muscle tank that said “Give Me Deadlifts or Give Me Death” on it. On his legs, he wore tight black sweats that showed off every bit of muscle in his thighs and his massive calved. His arms were now dotted with tattoos and an 8 gauge septum piercing adorned his nose while double zero gauges rested comfortably in his ears. “S-s-s-since when do you l-l-l-lift weights?” Derek said, now aware that he stuttered. “S-s-s-s-since fucking forever, braceface,” Arjun laughed. Braceface? Why would Arjun call him that? But Derek reached up and touched his mouth and knew the answer. Huge clunky orthodontics were now glued to his teeth and when he caught his reflection in the mirror, he sighed. “You sh-sh-shouldn’t talk to your own boyfriend like that,” Derek implored. This sent Arjun into a series of hearty chortles. “Boyfriend!?” he laughed. “I would never date a dweeb like you, fuckwad. The only reason we live together is that the college said I needed to get my grades up if I wanted to stay on the weightlifting team and well, you’re too much of a fucking pussy to stand up to me when I ask you to do my homework.” Derek tried to argue but found himself getting too nervous. I guess I am too much of a pussy, he thought. “You’re right, Arjun,” Derek complied. Arjun rolled his eyes. “How many times have I told you? It’s AJ, not Arjun. Only my mom calls me Arjun. Now let’s get going.” Arjun grabbed Derek by the waist of his tighty whiteys, effortlessly lifting him up in a painful wedgie and carried him out the door. As they walked to campus, Derek felt all eyes on them. People were swooning over Arjun—er—AJ and pointing and laughing at Derek the whole way. He couldn’t stand it! AJ and Derek couldn’t be more different. That’s when it hit Derek. The wish. HE HAD WISHED FOR THIS. “Th-th-this isn’t what I wanted,” Derek said meekly as they arrived on campus. “Well I didn’t want to have to spend time with the university’s least attractive virgin but here we are,” AJ said as he dumped a bunch of books in Derek’s hands. “I’m going to need all these papers written by Monday so I can stay on the team.” “B-b-b-but-“ “No buts, dork!” AJ yelled as he shoved him towards the library. Derek looked at AJ with tears in his eyes. They had been so close, so in love, and now this was their life. More muscular hunks walked up to AJ as they started heading off to the gym. Derek turned meekly and started shuffling towards the library, his spindly legs giving him an awkward gait. “Hey nerd!” AJ yelled after Derek. “You forgot your student ID!” He flung it at Derek and it hit him right in the forehead, causing a chorus of laughs from AJ’s weightlifting bros. Derek struggled to pick it up from the ground without dropping all his books and gasped at his ID. For a brief moment, it listed the correct information: “Derek Parker, English Comp” before shimmering for a moment and changing. Derek blinked his eyes and looked at it again through this thick coke-bottle glasses. “Derwin Pimpleberg, Computer Science,” he sighed. Derek—make that Derwin—had totally changed, and all because of this stupid birthday wish. He headed into the library wanting to cry. Luckily, Derwin found academic achievement easy, which was great because soon AJ was making him do not only his homework, but also all of AJ’s weightlifting bros’ homework. AJ and his boys would come around on Saturdays and get wasted before heading out leaving Derwin alone to play World of Warcraft all weekend. While AJ would bring home a different stud every night to fuck, Derwin was alone reading fantasy novels and writing World of Warcraft fanfiction. And the noise from AJ’s heavy fucking made Derwin sad. Before the change, Derek and Arjun had had plenty of sex, but Derwin—well that was a different story. He was a virgin and try as he might over the next few decades, no one ever wanted to have sex with him and he remained a virgin forever. Eventually, the now roommates graduated but AJ didn’t want to let Derwin go. Why would he? Derwin was too meek to fight with AJ and would clean up after him, make his protein shakes, and wash his dirty gym clothes for him. Besides, whereas AJ’s degree was useless, Derwin’s computer science degree was a cash cow and Derwin was making tons of money consulting. Of course, AJ had made Derwin sign over all of his bank accounts to him so AJ could focus on professional body building instead of working, meaning that Derwin still had to wear cheap dorky clothes and couldn’t really afford to go out, not that he had any friends he needed to see. A few year later, Derwin had to go to his high school reunion and AJ decided to tag along. All of Derek’s friends were shocked to see that their old buddy was now a total nerd stereotype that went by Derwin but they were all enamored with AJ and joined in on mocking, ridiculing, and beating up Derwin. As his former friends hoisted him up the flagpole so he had to just dangle there in an atomic wedgie, Derwin sighed. He had wished that he and AJ were different and well, it couldn't have come any more true. 

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I quit online dating...ok dating in general

Definitely taking a long hard look in the mirror, my new job starts soon so I can start seeing a therapist and finally figure out wtf is going on with me mentally but also

I NEED BETTER HELP WITH FIXING MY ATTRACTION OFF OF TOXIC MFS WHO CAN LIE WAY TOO GOOD AND ME ACTUALLY BELIEVING IT BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD AND I LIKE THEM LIKE AFTER BEING VULNERABLE

WTFFFF

I met Jay at work, so now I'm worried about blocking myself off too much if I happen to meet someone new and they sound like a nice person, good fit, but then the relationship and family trauma history comes up....wtf do i do? Run?

Like everything that I went through wasn't all my fault, but still I think it would be unfair for me to neglect someone as a potential date if they have everything that I'm looking for, looks good, but they have this, this, and that mental health disorders from trauma or they're just surviving....

But Idk, I think it would be best to get some guidance off the horny, desperate, need somebody to talk to because I can't come out to my parents about what happened to me with Jay and Ayunna because they're not cool about their kids being gay...

Its like "hey, dad I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone..."

"Wow...why would you stay in something like that? By the way was it a girl or a boy?"

I think my dad knows. But I did not like the way he responded and said that it was my fault for having sex with them...Like wow, how was I supposed to know they would have took advantage of me and did stuff to me that I wouldn't even like...without consent?

Wtf Dad.

And this is why I never talked to my mom about it either...they think alike to victim blame and doing the oh, well you should have known better way of talking down to their kids about being fucked up by their best friend...

Yea great role models.

I told him and he didn't even hug me. Cause he thought I was going to far when I said I wanted to fight her and get revenge.

He just said you should find a way to release that aggression and looked at me crazy as if nothing bad had happened to me and everything I was feeling still after, was all in my head, blown out of proportion.

Why didn't I tell him I was disappointed in the way he handled that?

It just made me close up on him and mom even more after he said that. Its like why should I have to debate out why it was so wrong of my friend to hurt me to somebody who would rather talk about something else, being all nonchalant and passive as usual.

I don't wanna talk about it until after I move out, cause I feel like he would explode on me if I was to say Dad, I don't like what you said and it hurt me to know that my own father didn't have my back when I was looking for support.

Cause I've been in pain all year, thinking, and being reminded of Jay and Ayunna's actions towards me. I hate them officially to this day. And I'll never love or trust the same since them.

They'll never know what its like to be me, not Jay, not Ayunna, not my mom or dad...so why even bother discussing, then later on debating about why I even stayed in an abusive relationship like that where I people pleased and didn't say stop. I just took the pain, like the good girl-sex-slave/doormat Jay wanted me to be.

He'll never understand it, and thats why I don't like the idea of telling my parents everything that happened, because I don't wanna lose my parents.

Cause I feel like even if I was to open up to my crazy bipolar mom and my passive ass dad, none of them would overreact about wanting to kick Jay and Ayunna's ass like I do right to this very day.

They would have got hard on me, tell me their disappointed in me, and told me everything that I did wrong in the matter instead of actually asking me "are you okay" which Dad never did after I told him the snippet.

Never would have asked me "how are you feeling" "do you need a hug" cause yea, its all my fault huh? For staying with a dumbass abusive friend who was already engaged to someone who treats them like a child too?

Yea they would have judged the fuck outta me...so I don't say anything. And every time I feel a ptsd episode spiraling or mom triggers me, I stay locked up in my room and scream and cry silently until I hear my voice crack. Shrilling the sound like, broken metal guitar strings cause I've been suffering in silence all year long. Hiding my depression from my sisters and my parents, because mom and dad want us to be happy about being alive and living in this house that I stopped giving a fuck about, because well grandma's dead and you can't make people happy about it when it was literally in July and her dead body was carried down our living room steps.

This bitch is crazy, you act like everything is supposed to just go back to normal? After everything that I've seen and been through this year? You think I'm supposed to be happy after finding out your a crazy, selfish, asshole who wanted me to fall down the steps just for pissing you off, my grandma was miserable and depressed all the way up in that house and delusional about healthcare that she didn't visit a doctor for years until it was too late, my dad hides everything he feels from us and mom unless it comes out in an aggravated assault on my little sister when she pissed him off, and now mom is basically forcing us to get back on cleanup schedule and act like everything is normal.

WHEN ITS FUCKING NOT

I bet deep down this is why Grandma moved to live in a cabin in the woods, for idk how long. She even painted the house she bought later on, the exact same colors. Burgundy and Sea Mint Green. Cause she loved how peaceful it was and there was nobody there but just her. Her family, her abusive ex, her abusive baby daddy, her children, and her friends all drove her nuts trying to be there and take care of them....when nobody was there to take care of her.

Except when I was there, it felt like we had the whole house, the whole world to ourselves, and we could be just as still and silent as the wind passing us as we sat on the couch, watched movies, ate popcorn, and enjoyed a hard lemonade with her. She missed being by herself after I moved in and so did I.

No wonder we kept butting heads. We don't like being disappointed by our family and friends, and we sure as hell don't like people making us work for them, and not caring about our emotional, mental, and physical stability.

I would prefer to go to the library for hours and just watch movies on the internet, than to live with my family while I'm still digesting the pain and drama I went through.

And realizing just how toxic, abusive, and crazy your family really is...really made me hate reality. Once the research on why I felt like I was suffering so bad with jay and ayunna started to add up, it all made sense why I didn't see some of the things that actually hurt me, as not as bad. Because I'd been through it already with my mom and my dad. Where I'm forced to take every negative comment or action they said and did, and just deal with it without retaliating against them or I was punished or told I was too sensitive to be told the truth. Gaslighting me.

Like I'm not allowed to feel pain if my mom tells me that my stomach is poking out too much in that dress and that I need to go change or wear some spanx. Then if I didn't want to change there was pinches on my skin from when she would force my shirts into my pants and make me feel stupid for not knowing how to tuck in my pants.

I'm supposed to always appreciate everything my parents did for me, even when the person standing in front of my face wants to be right all the time and I'm supposed to not get upset, not get angry, not cry, not whine or complain when my parent, my guardian does something unfair to me, says something rude, disrespectful, and controlling to me that they know that if I did the same thing to them, then they would slap me across the face, flick me in the head, knock me back to being a kid, just because they said so and just because I still live here.

I hate this place. And I thought Athena would be my escape. I thought I found someone to build real love with after going through so much trauma and realizing the crazy I've been living in for all these years.. The facade is over.

And I don't know what to do except cry and scream for myself in my room, and now I can't even talk to them about me losing my faith and trust in God because everything bad that happened and keeps happening. And why in the hell did he decide giving my grandma cancer was the best way for her to go? She was in so much pain all these years and it was from cancer. Her head and her body was twitching from lack of oxygen. And she was unresponsive as I sat upstairs with her all night on the very same couch I'm sitting on right now.

Its September now. She passed on July 30th and dad called me from upstairs after I had stayed up there till like 11:30 cause we were writing down how much morphine to give her each hour. And the nurse had just told us that she might not have that long left to live. Like maybe saturday or monday, cause it was already friday the 30th.

But after the nurse left, Dad told me to go through her pictures and find his favorite photo of her. I didn't even cry like he did, I had already cried at 10am when I saw no matter what I did, she was still shaking and not responding to me talking to her like before. Still grunting. It was like me being on nurse mode, made my heart, my emotions feel numb. But after I left the room and called Hospice, I finally let it out.

Grandma passed at around 1:30 or 2pm. And two of my aunts and my cousins were over. My cousins playing a game of Uno in the dining room as if nothing traumatic was going on upstairs. None of them reacted at all until they all joined us in the living room as she being carried down the stairs by the funeral service guys. It was amazing to see how insensitive at 1st the kids were, then to see my mom cry about not being strong enough for my dad, when I was sorta pissed off and confused and still in shock about grandma. LIKE WTFFF MOMMM FUCKING CRYYY THAT'S THE REASON WHY YALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN YALL RELATIONSHIP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

STOP HIDING YOUR FUCKING SADNESS, ANGER, AND GRIEF FROM YOUR FAMILY BY BEING A CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATH WHO EXPECTS PEOPLE TO ACT NORMAL AND BE HAPPY WHEN SOMETHING SHITTY LIKE THIS HAPPENS

GODDAMN IT MOM FUCKING CRY. YOU'RE HUMAN. IM HUMAN. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CRY. WE'RE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.

AND IM ALLOWED TO BE DEPRESSED AND UNSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE AND MY RELIGION THAT DOESN'T LET ME DO WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHOEVER I WANT TO BE WITH.

AND MOM IM GAY. I FELL IN LOVE WITH WITH A GIRL WHO LATER ON DECIDED TO BE A THEY, AND NOW A HE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS A THEY, CAUSE NOW HE'S GROWING A BEARD, A DICK, A NEW VOICE AGAIN, AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND I HAD SEX WITH HER TOO, BUT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND HER WANNA KILL EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S ACTUALLY A COUSIN OR NOT WHO REMINDS ME OF MY TRAUMA WHEN I WAS A KID. AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT INCEST POSSIBLY BEING A GENE OF TRAUMA IN THIS FAMILY.

I LITERALLY WATCHED MY COUSINS WHO WERE FAMILY, HAVE SEX AND THEY WERE KIDS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WATCHING PORN AND NOBODY BROUGHT IT BACK UP TO EVEN EXPLAIN WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. AND ALL I SEE IS FLASHBACKS OF SHIT WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME IN MY LIFE. CAUSE I KNOW INCEST IS BAD.

AND THATS WHY I STILL AM GROSSED OUT BY THE IDEA OF AYUNNA AS A WHOLE BECAUSE SHE SMELLS WEIRD AND HAS GROSS MORNING BREATH, SHE SNORTS FOR 45 MIN TO AN HR EVERY MORNING SHE WAKES UP LIKE ITS NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHE'S ABNOXIOUS AND GROSS AND IMMATURE BUT JAY PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S MATURE AND IM NOT EVEN THOUGH IM SMARTER, IM BETTER, MORE EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE TO HANDLE THEM BEING DEPRESSED TO NOT JUDGE THEM FOR IT, CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANNA DIE TO ESCPAE MY PAIN AND MY REALITY CAUSE ITS NICE AND EASIER TO HAVE AFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING TAKEN CARE OF LIKE A BABY AND HAVE FUN JUST LIKE YOU TOO.

I feel like i lost a lot this year...including my sanity...thanks a lot Athena for triggering me. Now going back to talking to grandma as if she was here like I did when i was on the flight for the very 1st time after 911 and I had a silent panic attack because I was holding it in for the kid and the obnoxious older black lady next to me on my flight.

I cried my tears out and everything felt tight up on my back, making me scared and numb and tingly like I was on a rollercoaster. and mom thought I was just overreacting.

I need someone who understands me and knows exactly how it feels to be me, and I thought that person was this crazy bitch on the internet, who's gay and trans and lost a bunch of her family due to trauma. Because she's autistic, and not the one where they cant talk and do things for themselves. She talks to me just like I would to myself when I wasn't feeling good.

And idk, if I might have some sort of autism or spectrum thing too. Or did my family brainwash me into thinking nothing was wrong with me, the way they treated me, and how I was behaving...just because they didn't wanna believe it either.

I wanna know what's wrong with me, my life, my family and how do I fix it so it doesn't keep happening. I wanna know how can I avoid becoming like my parents and ending up in a controlling, aggressive, petty relationship like my dad who became passive just so he could deal with it and hide his pain from her.

I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like with no confrontations that leads to fights, arguing that leads to yelling at each other's faces and getting distracted with emotions to where we throw things at each other or just walk out without saying anything...

Because I dont know how to be angry. Cause I was never allowed to. and the people who birth me, don't know how to control theirs either without hurting the person they care about, someway or some sort.

I still to this day don't know how to communicate when I get angry. Because I feel like I was adopted from all the daycare people who used to take me in at night time when mom would drop me off and I never knew when she was coming back cause she didn't tell me.

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.08.2021

Dear G, 

I’m going to be honest with you, yesterday was a really tough day for me. I have this hope for me and for us that I am carrying around like a flashlight, to guide myself through the shadows of my life right now. You leaving us ad letting go has left an huge hole in my life and in me. It’s just so hard to even get through day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. I was so desperate yesterday for you, I cried a few times throughout the day, probably even more, and just felt so helpless and hopeless more than a few times. 

Somehow your Spotify is still on the TV. I was trying to play music and I was somehow in your account somehow. Then I saw a playlist with the egg emoji and three songs, just three songs: Cloud Dancer, After Rain Comes the Sun and Love is the Answer. Twenty minutes that how far you got into making it before it had to stop because I drove us off the rails with my addiction and the person I had become. Then I started to think of how sweet that was that you were doing that. You never told you made a playlist. I still have the one I made of yours. I rescued it. I’m sure you would have if you were still here and didn’t have to leave. I’m sure it wouldn’t have been incomplete. You always gave yourself so completely and earnestly to us and to me without any condition;. I remember always manically going on about whatever nonsense I was and you would be right there with me keeping up wth me and being all in with me always. All in on us. Fuck. That just re-breaks my heart into smaller and smaller pieces that you had to leave all those little bits of us and me and u behind. Then my mind started to race. For some reason I always think of the tone of your voice when you had a parcel at the front desk and I asked you what it was . You said “it doesn’t matter anymore” with such absolution and resign. You had to give up on us. I stared at that playlist and started crying for us, for you and all I put you through, and for all the us that you had to leave behind. All the things I wanted to do with u, all the things you wanted to do with me. Life. I just felt really hopeless and I was crying and calling your name aloud. I just kept saying peash Giselle desperately. The neighbours probably think I’m crazy by now or something. 

I self talked myself out of it eventually and pulled myself out of the desperation and hopelessness I worked myself. And then I did it again. And again I self talked myself out of my hopelessness. And that continued for awhile. I set myself personal timers to keep myself distracted. That was going well until ‘Tell Me You Love Me’ started playing. I intentionally haven’t played any of our songs that we always bopped to together. It’s just too hard. I immediately heard your voice singing,  you dancing while you’re singing. I instinctively wanted to reach out and grab you like i always did, I can still feel you here even though you’re 5461 km away. I still reach out for you, I still anticipate your voice, I still want to beg you for your kisses. Grab your butt and pick you up and kiss you all over your lips then put my tongue in your nose to bug yo. I was in the shower. I ran out of it and turned the music. I went back into the shower and just started to say your name and cried. 

The hole you left in my life and my heart when you had to let go and leave us is so raw real and aches more and more each day. Its the only reality grounding me to this situation we are in now. My mind understands this but my heart just refuses to at all. I refuse to believe that we are not an us anymore.  I can’t believe it. A huge part of me is still in complete denial. I honestly in the deepest and purest part of my heart, never wanted this, I never wanted us to end. I wanted us to be always. I wanted it all with you. I still do. I don’t want there to be an end to us. I want us desperately to be together in the end. I want all our little things we do with each other. I want to make more jokes with you, more ways to cuddle and whine to each other, I want more future memories with you and with us. I want to still get you that air fwyer and mawwy you. I can’t even let any of it go. I can’ let us go. I’m in denial. Even now I think sometimes its just a dream and I’m going to wake up. In those moments of utter desperation I feel so hopeless and helpless. I think that you could still here and we could be looking forward to lockdown ending and having our second spring together. All the things I want to do with you. It is never-ending. Honestly , I doesn’t matter what we do, it never did you’re my best friend and my partner thats all that mattered really. I’ve been clinging desperately to this; to us.  I’ve been literally checking your Twitter and Tumblr obsessively . Its a small shred of you but I refresh my browser on my phone so much. I do it instinctively now its like a reflex. Whatever I’m doing i just do it. You frustratingly don’t post as much as I crave but when you do I talk to you even though I’m only talking to myself. It makes me feel better or at least lets me stay in denial a bit longer. That all just came crashing down when i saw your VSCO gallery post, my whole little make believe life I’ve been using as a coping mechanism just was blown up when I saw your post at that hotel bar with the caption ‘Godspeed - Frank Ocean’. I just crumbled. We both know each other like nobody else and we both know music is life to both of us. Also you know how much I love Frank Ocean. Here you were posting a picture of a hotel lobby referencing Frank Ocean breakup music, like his probably number one breakup song, but he has so many, and I can’t even bear to hear the word or even see it written down. G I’m in complete denial actually and I’m desperate - you know how I get. I cannot believe that we are not an us, that we are broken up, even right now I still have trouble writing that sentence. But you forced me to start to face the music; literally. I wish so badly that we could just experience our good songs together, the ones that have so much love and hope and meaning. Tell Me You Love Me. Treat You Better. The Outfield. Let’s Stay Together. The Mates of Soul. So many good feelings. I’m just holding on to them .But you’re right and I’m in complete denial. 

I told myself there and then I wouldn’t do this to myself anymore. Its just a tool I’m using to stay in denial just a bit longer. Checking your feeds is just helping me cope and not face it. We are broken up. I’m crying writing this. I never wanted this and I never wanted an end to us. But i did recognize this wasn’t good because I have to let go. Also this cycle of hopelessness is just going to lead back to a relapse. More than anything else I just want to be sober and healthy. There is nothing but more pain with that. There will never be enough drugs or alcohol to numb the pain of losing you of you having to let go .I just have to feel it. I was really desperate and low yesterday and I messaged a friend of ours, JJ, because i was really feeling hopeless and like nothing mattered. It helped. I did get into it again throughout the day. I couldn’t help it. You referenced Frank in our breakup as our breakup music. I had to listen to him. I listened to him over and over again thru the day and into the night. It was like a scab that you just can’t stop picking. Painful but can’t stop it. Frank knows pain. But i just can’t stop thinking that you have accepted that we are broken up and you’re ready to move on. I can accept that we are broken up right now. But i will never move on from us. I don’t want to and I never will. I want us back. I want to be with you in the end. I want us to have a happy ending. We’re both still here, on the same planet, the same dimension, and still have the same love.  I don’t want anyone else and I never will. I just want you G. You and only you. I don’t want new little things with anyone else. I want to keep all our little things we do for and with each other and make new ones too. I remember you posted to Tumblr awhile ago that you don’t want to have this hope you will never let me hurt you again.  Ok, so what if I just didn’t then? What if you gave us another chance and I took that chance and made it the biggest turnaround of my life? What if I did really actually get sober and every day relentlessly and tirelessly work on my sobriety as hard I tried to hide my addiction before? What if I had a real fucking plan and I worked every day like like my most important job - me?  What if I was just completely honest with you at all times and was open and understanding to your needs and requests to feel comfortable moving forward? What if I just showed you how much I love you each and every day? What if you came back to us and I never ever forget for the rest of our lives how much of a gift you gave us, how much of a blessing you are to me, and cherished you as hard as I could for as long as I could ? What if I  gave you my utmost humility and loyalty and love in exchange for you giving me the best gift you could ever give me; one last chance to be happy with the love of my life, the woman of my dreams now and always, my wolf queen of the mur always by my side and me at yours? What if we both just accepted what didn’t work before and be completely open, honest and giving in starting again but new again? What if we had an open and honest conversation with each other about our expectations, boundaries, fears, and things we are not going to do again?  What if we just started there? Step by step?  What if you just let me show you all that I wanted to be to you and for us? What if I just took your chance you give me an the blessing that you’ve been to me and not say sorry? What if from now from that moment I just make choices that I never regret and jever make choices that I will regret? What if you just gave me that one last chance at us?

None of this can ever happen at all if I don’t put those thoughts and focus on myself now and for the next foreseeable future. I take full responsibility for my actions that led to this and I am working on changing myself. Measurable real actual changes. Changes that will take time yes.Changes that are difficult. But I desperately want to change. At any cost. You leaving on that plane on February 24th is just starting to sink in but I awake now to myself and accountable for myself. I just want to be happy and healthy. I’m looking towards that in my future, and I still see you and us in our future. I know that only you can make that choice though and you may not want to. That I will have to accept. But me and my life and gettting the happiness I want still stands. 

It also still stands that I am going to email you after one full month of sobriety. I intend on doing that. I miss talking to you so much. I know that my VSCO moon poem was a bold move. But i just had to I’m so desperate to have any sort of direct communication with you. I have started and deleted so many emails to you. I stare at your phone number. I miss my besh fren. I miss you . I miss us. I miss me. I want it all back. I want me back. I want you back . I want us back. So i’m holding on to hope and I always will. 

I still haven’t looked at your Twitter and Tumblr and VSCO since I saw the Frank Ocean post. I need to give myself more time. I don’t want to not look but I need to not look right now. Its unhealthy and I’m going to relapse if I stay in a unhealthy mindset. I feel better not obsessing over it. I’ll allow myself to check up on you once a day in the morning when I’m most mentally and emotionally strong. I need to be aware of my relapse triggers. These ‘letters’ to you help a lot as well. Even if right now I’m just writing to myself it really helps get me through this. I still see you on the other end of this. 

I love you G

I’m never giving up on us

Peash hold just a little hope

If you do i’ll take your kernel of hope and build the dream of us again  stronger and honestly and with twice as much love through action

Peash

Please 

I love you 

Can we have the happy ending thats all I want 

I just want u G 

Forever and a 

Day