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foundmywei · 10 months

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Buddie Fanfic Recs 1

Here are my favorite buddie fics! This post includes 40 of them

Check Part 2 and Part 3 for more

10k words or under

the wood marked for your fire by hattalove

(10,264 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Chim. Weird question?” Chimney’s chair creaks. Buck cranes his head over the back of the couch and watches him straighten up, pop his back, close the folder. “You only ever ask me weird questions,” he says, and then crosses the loft to sit in one of the armchairs. He levels Buck with a look that’s way too knowing for the amount of words they’ve exchanged. “What’s up?” He takes a breath. “What does it feel like to be a dad?” in which buck is used to wanting things he's not allowed to have; it's just that he never thought being a father would be one of them.

but, baby, watching you blush by calvingseason

(10,100 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Eddie opens his mouth. Closes it. Finally, he settles on, “You told your parents you’re married? To a man?” Chimney and Hen both glance at him with twin looks that clearly mean he’s on his own with telling the rest of the story. Which—they had no problem teasing and joking about it three seconds ago, but now that Buck has to really get to the heart of the issue, they’re leaving it to him? Go fucking figure. “I told my parents,” Buck says, rubbing at the bridge of his nose with closed eyes, “that I’m married to you.” or, buck and eddie go to hershey for buck's high school reunion. the only problem? everyone thinks that they're married.

take my hand (take my everything) by cnomad

(10,307 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

When Buck has another near death experience, he decides the smartest thing to do is update his will. It's not a big deal, really—he just wants to take care of the people who matter most to him: Eddie and Chris. But to Eddie? To Eddie that's a pretty huge deal.

for all the perfect things i doubt by extasiswings

(5,199 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Evan Buckley is really good in bed. Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t.

it was you, love by hammersmiths

(6,673 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Eddie doesn’t realise the pattern until Karen says, “You’re collecting us like Pokémon.” “What, Wilsons?” Eddie says. He’s mostly distracted by Christopher on the couch, who is with Denny showing Miles, Hen and Karen’s newest foster, how to play Animal Crossing on his Switch. Miles is already developing the same starry-eyed look in his eyes Christopher himself gets around Buck. “You certainly don’t make it hard.” “Not Wilsons, dummy,” Karen says. “Lesbians.” Which is—not what Eddie was expecting her to say. “Uh. What?” or, Eddie befriends May and Linda at dispatch. Then realises some stuff.

you remind me of home (oh, baby, merry christmas) by catchingpapermoons

(7,247 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Buck, just come here,” Eddie says, and Buck feels his heart start to pound. “Do you need me to come get you?” “Oh.” He takes another deep breath. “You’re sure?” Eddie laughs. “Like Christopher won’t be over the moon that you’re here.” “For a month, Eddie.” “So?” -- or, Buck has to live with Eddie for a month, which would be fine if he wasn't in love with the guy.

one of the few things by thatnerdemryn

(7,222 words | General Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“I want someone who’s going to take care of him, love him just as I would without babying him or making him feel like he can’t do things, you know? I want someone who is going to fight for him, not against him, who would literally go through hell for him because he deserves it--” Eddie cut himself off, but Hen didn’t need him to continue. “You want it to be Buck.” Maybe she should’ve been more surprised or she should’ve asked the question instead of saying it so surely and causing the bit of panic that erupted in Eddie’s eyes, but it was obvious in everything Eddie was expressing. Or five times that Eddie tells someone else that Buck is Christopher's legal guardian plus one time he finally tells Buck.

someday soon i'll make you mine by lecornergirl

(2,710 words | General Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

"I didn't raise him to be this dramatic, you know," Eddie mutters as they listen to Christopher making his way down the hallway to make his entrance. "He gets this from you." Eddie doesn't seem to think there's anything unusual about what he's just said, but something warm blooms in Buck's chest. He gets this from you. His artificial, arbitrary line in the sand between parent and not is blurring once again.

you can start a family who will always show you love by fleetinghearts

(8,185 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Yeah, yeah, he’s—he’s my kid, he’s my kid,” Buck tells her, tripping over his words in the effort to get this whole process to hurry the fuck up so he can see Chris. There’s the sound of something hitting the floor from behind him, followed by what might be plastic bouncing off the shiny hospital tiles. The person at the desk looks up in surprise, over Buck’s shoulder, and he turns to look too. Eddie’s standing there, Styrofoam cup rolling at his feet, coffee splattered all down the bottom of his faded blue jeans. The plastic lid of the cup skitters over the tile before coming to a stop a few feet away. He looks like someone punched him in the gut, absolutely shellshocked, something Buck can’t quite read behind the startled expression on his face. or, buck's looking for something, and the diazes let him know he already has it

can't see anyone but you by allyasavedtheday

(4,967 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Besides,” he says, clearing his throat. “Once I’m on the date, there’s no beating me. I know how to treat a date right.” Buck tilts his head to the side, his cocky smirk re-emerging as he appraises Eddie. “Wanna put your money where your mouth is, cowboy?” “What?” “Let’s go on a date,” Buck says like it’s obvious. Eddie splutters through some attempt at a response but Buck carries on speaking before he can come up with something to say. “You show me your best date moves and I’ll show you my best date moves and whoever’s better doesn’t have to pay for dinner.” * Post 6x17, Buck and Eddie decide to go on a practice date. It goes exactly how you think it would.

something to hold onto by foxwatson

(5,185 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

There’s about a palm’s width of distance between Eddie’s knee and Buck’s thigh, where they’re both sitting on Eddie’s couch. It would barely take any movement at all for Eddie to just nudge his leg over a little further, press their knees together and let his rest there. or the one where frank tells eddie he should work on letting himself want things, and eddie starts by cuddling with buck

accidents happen ( but i will love you on purpose) by withmeornotatall

(4,425 words | General Audiences | Chapters: 171)

"Buck..." Eddie says lowly. "Did you already put a load of laundry in?" "I had nothing to do whilst Chris was doing his math homework," he explains himself, turning back to Eddie. "And my workout stuff smelt so bad, Eddie. I almost cried." "Buck, let me do the groceries then—" "No, Eddie, its fine." Buck shakes his head resolutely. "You know I love shopping, especially with Chris. And beside, you still have to do the light load and then fold it all up. Even split of chores, I promise." Buck wonders if Hen and Chim ever split their errands on their days off, before Karen and Maddie. (OR: buck kisses eddie, goes grocery shopping with christopher, then realises he's in love with eddie, in that order)

I-10 by sunryder

(6,997 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Instead of taking the 1-40 through Nashville back in 2012, Buck took the I-10 along the southern border. But once you were in West Texas, all roads led to El Paso. There was no getting out of the state without passing through it. Evan considered inevitability a pretty damn good analogy for Eddie Diaz. (Where Buck literally takes a different road and meets Eddie a few years early.)

baby, you were my picket fence by spaceprincessem

(6,179 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Buck is all in. He’s one-hundred percent, give em everything he’s got, will do anything Maddie asks— “You can’t tell anyone,” Maddie suddenly becomes so serious Buck feels like he has whiplash. He blinks a few times, brow furrowed, “Well, yeah I know that.” “No, Buck,” Maddie leans forward covering his hand with her own, “I mean it. No one else is allowed to know about this.” Buck opens his mouth, but Maddie reads him like the traitorous sister that she is and cuts him off by saying, “That includes Eddie.” “Maddie,” Buck whines, and he’s very well aware at how pathetic it sounds, “that’s not fair! It’s — he’s — it’s Eddie!” [or Maddie wants to propose to Chimney. She gets Buck involved. Buck can't tell anyone. He somehow proposes to Eddie instead.]

all i know since yesterday by sibylsleaves

(6,082 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Buck knows what he’s doing might be constituted as ‘a bit creepy,’ but he can’t really help it. He has a book in his lap, so it’s not like he’s just staring at Eddie, but—ok, so he hasn’t actually read a page in over twenty minutes, and in the meantime he has watched his best friend chop like six different kinds of vegetables to go in Bobby’s ragu. “How’s it going, Buck?” Hen asks, flinging herself into the adjacent arm chair. “Fine,” Buck says, barely looking at her. “But something’s up with Eddie.” or, Eddie flirts. Buck worries.

Break Glass in Case of Emergency by Beforeastorm

(2,894 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Eddie’s mind wandered to the red folder, tucked high up in the back of his closet. He recalled back to a conversation he had with Buck, almost a year ago at this point:

“It’s an insurance policy; a break glass in case of emergency. A trump card.” “One I really hope we’ll never have to use.” “But if we have to, we’ll be really glad we did this.” When hospital policy doesn't allow Chris, as an unrelated minor, to visit a comatose post-lightning strike Buck in the ICU, Eddie has a solution. Unfortunately, that involves sharing some pretty personal information in a waiting room filled with the 118.

like a heartbeat racing by elisela

(3,600 words | General Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Buck can do this. He can totally do this, it’s just a favor for Maddie, and what’s he good at if not helping out his sister? Sure, doing a cake tasting when you’re neither the bride nor the groom is a little … unorthodox … but it’s cake. He loves cake, he specifically ate fewer carbs all week so he could pig out to his heart’s content on cake, delicious, fluffy cake, and he can do this. “I can’t do this,” he blurts out the night before, pacing the apartment with Eddie on speakerphone. “Maddie said she told them I would be coming so at least I don’t have to pretend to be Chim, but how pathetic is it to show up to a cake tasting alone?”

you were the wilderness I crossed into by rowan_wood

(9,218 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Truth.” “How many times have you fallen in love?” The table was quiet, but Eddie didn’t take long to think it over. “Three times.” “With who?” Lucy asked. “Nope, not part of the question,” he smiled at Lucy, easy as anything. Buck tried to count quickly in his head, the math not adding up. “My turn, right?” Eddie asked the group. “Chim. Truth or dare.” or: the 118 has a 24 hour shift, and zero calls. The firefam spends it playing games, and everyone takes the opportunity to tell Buck just how much they love him.

11k - 40k words

The Family We Choose by maybeamystery

(20,468 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Hey, bud!” says the scowling man, suddenly all smiles. The smile changes his face into something beautiful; Kelly realizes that this kid has not one but two hot dads. As he’s swept into the arms of his other dad and they start off in the direction of the nearest ice cream shop, Kelly says to the curly-haired man, “You two have an adorable son.” [10 times Buck is mistaken for Christopher's dad and 2 times it's not a mistake. Contains major spoilers for 5x14]

a leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things

(11,163 words | Not Rated | Chapters: 1/1)

Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that. But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.” —you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting— So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.

Buy Back the Secrets by allyasavedtheday

(18,808 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 3/3)

He casts his gaze to the right, to the voice he’d heard a minute ago and the hand still on his shoulder. And, well. Okay. So Buck may have just been unconscious for an indeterminable length of time but he doesn’t think he’s exaggerating when he says the guy leaning over his bedside is one of the most attractive people he’s seen in a long time. Especially when his face splits into a smile that rivals the brightness of the hospital lights that almost just fucking blinded Buck a second ago. “Welcome back, hotshot,” the guy says and it sounds fond – familiar – and Buck honestly has no idea who this guy is. His brown hair is dishevelled on top of his head and his eyes look tired but then Buck notices the LAFD t-shirt so- alright. Someone from the firehouse, maybe? But he’s pretty sure he’d remember a face like that. * After getting hurt on a call, Buck wakes up thinking it's 2018. AKA Buck can't remember who Eddie is but he's pretty sure everyone's lying when they say they're "just friends."

you're my whole house by hammersmiths

(11,958 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

Eddie shrugs. “Christopher mentioned to Daniel that Buck and I are partners. I mean, sure, it’s a little weird that she invited him over as well, but—” “Partners,” Hen interrupts, “like work partners?” Eddie and Buck glance at each other. “Uh, yeah?” Eddie says. “What other type of partner?” Hen stares at them for a moment, before she bursts out laughing. “You dumbasses. She thinks you’re together.”

the distance to the stars by cloudydaisies

(27,258 words | General Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Didn’t know you were seeing someone.” Buck just laughs. Like, honest to god giggles. Eddie is stuck fighting off doubly massive waves of butterflies and confusion, all while Buck just gazes down at him. “That’s cute,” he hears Buck mumble, just before climbing into the truck, calling Eddie after him. - or, everyone knows eddie is dating buck except for eddie, literally.

The Definition of Love and All Things Ineffable by ElvenSorceress

(29,351 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 3/3)

Maddie asks him, like she’s been waiting to ask him, “Does Christopher call you ‘Uncle Buck’?” It’s… it sounds so casual. Nonchalant. Maybe even reasonable? And like there’s something she’s trying to figure out, but why would Chris ever call Buck his uncle? He’s Jee-Yun’s uncle. “No,” Buck answers. “Why?” “He called me Aunt Maddie.” She tips her head curiously, brows knit together. “You’re far closer to him than I am. I thought if I’m his aunt, you’d have to be his uncle. Why wouldn’t you be Uncle Buck?” There are pieces of chicken mushed into Jee’s fingers and carrots sticking to the bib draped over her front and what might be peas caught in her hair. And Buck doesn’t really have an answer. It’s just. It’s wrong. He’s not Chris’ Uncle Buck. Maybe he should be? Maybe he’s supposed to be? Or maybe Chris doesn’t call him that directly because he’s always been BFF Buck or His Buck. He shrugs and uneasiness settles in his stomach. What more could he ever be to Chris but an uncle? ~~~ In which Buck processes his breakup, learns his place in his family, has a huge crisis of sexuality, and finds the truth about love beating in his own heart.

Didn't think you meant it by EtoileGarden

(33,519 words | Explicit | Chapters: 12/12)

“Y’know,” he said. Shrugged again. “That last call? I kind of thought I’d have that by now.” “What,” Eddie raised his eyebrows at him. “A roof collapsing on you?” Buck grunted, elbowed Eddie. Lightly, because he did appreciate the humour in Eddie’s voice. “No,” he said. “Just - married.”

drink the river dry by Rianne

(32,215 words | Explicit | Chapters: 1/1)

It wasn’t until they were discussing his discharge paperwork and painkiller schedules that it really sunk in for Eddie that Buck would be staying with him and Christopher. That he would be around 24/7 except for his shifts at work. That he’ll sleep on the couch, where he’s been sleeping for days now to look after Christopher. The worst part is that it’s necessary—Eddie isn’t going to be able to do a damn thing for himself for the next couple of weeks. He’s lucky if he can put a shirt on by himself a month from now. Yeah, that’s going to be a problem. Or: Eddie gets shot, breaks up with his girlfriend, and pines like there’s no tomorrow.

Despite it all, Because of it all by kitkatpancakestack

(23,747 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

He puts the truck in park in front of Eddie’s childhood home. Christopher shifts in the back, already unbuckling his seatbelt. Eddie is frozen with his jaw set, eyes hard and unblinking as they bore holes through the windshield. Buck was here once before, after that relief trip to Texas, but he is under no illusions that this time will be similar. For one, he doesn’t have the buffer of other firefighters to hide behind. This isn’t a visit that will last a couple hours, and so the sugary, superficial niceties will eventually crumble when it’s mid-way through the week and he’s still hanging around. There is also the shadow of everything that has happened since the wildfires skulking behind them, waiting to be found out. But, this is Eddie and Christopher, needing him to have it together, so he paints on a smile and squeezes Eddie's knee and slides out of the truck. * Eddie's dad gets sick. Buck goes with him and Christopher to El Paso.

you light the spark in my bonfire heart by woodchoc_magnum

(22,669 words | Mature | Chapters: 2/2)

A post-5b fic, in which Buck slowly realises that he's been in love with Eddie this whole time.

some day i'll fall into you by allyasavedtheday

(13,467 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

I got you. I got you. I got you.

“You said that,” he says, clearing his throat around the emotion clogging his windpipe. “In the firetruck. I heard you.”

Buck leans back enough that they’re looking at each other. The hand he’d had on the back of Eddie’s head moves to the side of his neck, his thumb pressing lightly against the hinge of Eddie’s jaw.

Eddie swallows around the lump in his throat and meets his gaze. “I believed you then.”

Buck sighs like the breath has been punched out of him and leans forward to press their foreheads together. “Believe me now,” he murmurs and Eddie’s not sure if it’s a plea or a request but he finds himself nodding anyway.

“Okay.”

A look at how Eddie deals with his recovery post-4x14.

I Know a Place We Can Go by maybeamystery

(15,580 words | Explicit | Chapters: 1/1)

“Well, that was heartwarming,” Chimney says loudly. “Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go save some lives. In WeHo. Where Buck goes to gay bars because he is apparently a bisexual now.” “I’ve always been a bisexual,” Buck sniffs. “You just didn’t notice.” “There are gay bars outside of WeHo,” Hen adds. “Just saying.” [5 times Buck and Eddie get hit on in West Hollywood and 1 time they definitely do not]

Tick Tick Boom by ChasetheWindTouchtheSky

(30,439 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 1/1)

“Did you know if you put a frog in water and slowly bring it to boiling, it won’t hop out?” Chris is chattering as Buck makes a quick dinner while Eddie argues with his gas company on the phone. He can hear the occasional swear word in Spanish as his voice raises. Eddie doesn’t like to raise his voice around Christopher – the very thought makes Buck want to kiss him full on the mouth – so he decided to take it to the living room while Chris sits with his homework in the kitchen and Buck cooks. “Hmm?” Buck asks, unable to fully pull himself out of Bobby’s baked mac and cheese recipe. It took him years, but he finally convinced the man to write it down. Bobby’s handwriting was juvenile at best on a good day, but this was nearly unreadable. Buck wonders if he did that on purpose. “Frogs?” “Yeah!” Chris states. “My teacher said that if you put a frog in a pot, you have to make sure it’s not immediately boiling. You put them in water and then slowly raise the temperature and they won’t realize what’s happening. Then once they realize, they have no place to go. They can’t jump out.” * S6 Spec: Buck decides he doesn’t need therapy, reverts to some bad habits, and explodes. Or, the Breakdown Fic.

40k+ words

To Build a Home We Deconstruct Our Rituals by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

(44,248 words | Explicit | Chapters: 11/11)

After the shooting, Eddie realizes he needs to put some things in place. Like who will get his assets if he dies. Who will speak for him if he ends up in a coma. What might happen if his family contests Buck's guardianship. Luckily, he's got a simple easy-peasy solution that won't result in insanity, catastrophe, or heartbreak:

Marry Buck.

the mortifying ordeal of being known by Polish_Amber

(60,866 words | General Audiences | Chapters: 7/7

The thing was, the 118 was full of gossips. Eddie had been at the station less than a week before Hen and Chim wrangled details about his “hot young thing” from him (“Buck is only 4 years younger than me, he is not a ‘hot young thing’!” Eddie complained.) And Bobby was open about his worries for his son’s lack of direction and the secrets he appears to be keeping (“I just wish I could help Evan find the thing that gives him purpose,” Bobby lamented.) It just made it all the more ridiculous (and horrifying) when Eddie realizes he’s been dating his Captain’s son this whole time (“Defiling his baby,” Chimney cackled, because he clearly wanted Eddie murdered.) -- Or, the AU where miscommunication abounds as Eddie seeks advice about his new relationship, Bobby despairs over his adopted son's career prospects and his refusal to talk about it, and Evan Buckley-Nash juggles training at the fire academy, building a family with his new boyfriend, and trying to work out how to tell his overprotective dad that he's already chosen the life he wants, actually. It takes a goddamn tsunami, of all things, to get the story straight.

Stuck on Fast Forward (Throw Away the Blueprint) by extasiswings

(42,884 words | Explicit | Chapters: 9/9)

“Sounds like the problem is you think casual sex with a stranger or finding someone new to date are your only options.” Eddie’s brow furrows. “Aren’t they?” “I mean, there’s always…someone you already know. Who you’re already comfortable with.” “Because my pool of male friends who are single and who would be interested in having sex with me has so many options?” “Well, I don’t know about many, but you only need one,” Buck points out. “And who would that be?” “Me, of course.” [Or: Frank gives Eddie therapy homework, Eddie misunderstands the assignment, and Buck is just a really supportive friend...right?]

Don't Take My Sunshine Away by SevenSoulmates

(113,785 words | Mature | Chapters: 21/21)

Eddie is in a coma, and Buck blames himself. He should've been there to protect Eddie. The least he can do now is to be there for Christopher, even if Buck doesn't know if he has it in him to be a parent without Eddie. Buck makes Eddie a deal: he'll fight for Christopher in the real world, while Eddie fights to wake up. Eddie's come a long way since those bleak days in El Paso, listening to his parents comments about how he's not fit to be a father. How Christopher doesn't deserve to be dragged down by the likes of Eddie and Shannon. Eddie thought after moving to LA, he and Chris had escaped that. When he wakes up and finds Buck neck-deep in a legal battle with his parents for custody of Christopher, Eddie must face his own mistakes, and find the confidence to stand up for himself against his absolute worst nightmare.

i think i belong to you (hope you feel the same) by Ran

(41,111 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Chapters: 4/4)

Buck’s taking him to therapy, where he knows Eddie’s therapist’s name and Eddie’s entire history with him; Buck, who let himself into Eddie’s house with food from Eddie’s favorite coffee shop with coffee crafted perfectly for Eddie’s tastes; Buck, who apparently has a book on Eddie’s coffee table with so many dog-eared pages it’s like any interruption at Eddie’s house is worth putting it down. Buck, who touches him with a devotion as palpable as all the little pieces of himself scattered throughout Eddie's home. Eddie thinks he might have solved his own question, but he’s afraid to look at the answer too closely—because he’s fairly certain his best friend is in love with him, and Eddie can’t remember a single thing about him. Or, the one where Eddie wakes up from the shooting only to think he was hurt in a certain 7.1 earthquake years prior and learns to appreciate the life he's created for himself since then.

Overcome by Spicysauce

(53,697 words | Mature | Chapters: 10/10)

“I’m not leaving you, Buck.” Eddie says with a tired sigh, like he’s struggling with the weight of the world and Buck’s the one who put it there. “Just switching jobs, that’s all.” That’s all?, Buck wants to scream, because every relationship he has is tied to the job in some way, and first Maddie left, and then it was Chimney, and now it’s Eddie. But he doesn’t scream, because that would be a little bit too tragic, even for him, and nods instead. Bites his tongue. Pretends that he isn't falling apart where he's stood. *** Or, set post season 5A, where Buck is alone, and angry, and exhausted, but mostly terrified that everyone he loves is slowly slipping away from him.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Buck by sunryder

(50,287 words | Mature | Chapters: 13/13)

Red is dying and Buck is fucked up about it. Not just about losing a friend, but about ending up like Red: dying alone without the people who used to be his team. Buck doesn’t want to go out like that. It might take him a few panic attacks, a road trip, and a book recommendation, but Buck is going to tidy his life up.

let the world have its way with you by fleetinghearts

(54,477 words | Explicit | Chapters: 1/1)

“It’s just that—I died,” Buck continues, voice unsteady enough that Eddie wonders if this is the first time he’s acknowledged that out loud. “I died, and there’s so much more. There’s so much more I want to do, things I don’t even know I want to do yet, and I almost had the chance to have and live them taken away. I don’t want to die and regret missing out on everything else, Eddie.” “So let’s make a list,” Eddie says. “Let’s do them.” or, a bucket list that’s really about buck needing to make a change and an eddie who’s ready to do anything to see him fall in love with life again. it takes some crossing off for eddie to realise—the thing at the top of the list in his own heart? it’s been right here all along

you and me by woodchoc_magnum

(55,411 words | Mature | Chapters: 2/2)

An alternate ending to Season 6, where Buck realises that what he's been searching for has been right in front of him the whole time.

#buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #9 1 1 #911 abc #911 fanfic #buck x eddie #buddie fic rec

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charmedreincarnation · 1 year

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Since 2016 I knew about the law of assumption, I was struggling hardcore with my mom and was looking for ways to make money and out of the blue a law of attraction video pop up, tried that, it was hell then search on google to get more info then I saw law of assumption, search it and apparently all I had to do was affirm ofc I didn’t believe my affirmation and the “law” but the person said to persist ( and I was desperate)so I decided to manifest my mom having 10k ( with fcking tears in my eye because we REALLY needed to pay rent plus my baby sis and I didn’t eat anything for a week) then boom 8 mins after my grandmother called and said she has 5k to give us and my mom was sooooooo fcking happy I was grateful but I wanted 10k( because I remembered the woman said don’t settle for less) then after the landlady called my mom and said she needs to collect her Cheque in the mailbox but the fcking thing is my mom check that same fcking morning and few minutes before to see anything for us and nothing just spiders, so my mom went and collect it only to see we have over 5k in the cheque and obviously tears was spilled and a lot of shouting my mom went on her knees to thank god but I didn’t tell her anything honestly just let her do her thing and she even made my sis and I thank god which I did obviously, then I decided to play a little greedy and manifest my mom to give my sis and I a little 100$ to shop ( for snacks and drinks)and few seconds after she told us to organize and then handed my sis and I a 100$ to buy anything we want,that day made me believe the law is real and I continue manifesting a lot of things from there, just affirming and persisting because that’s how I was taught it and it worked for me.

I downloaded tumblr because some people in the comments said it had more info and success story, downloaded it in 2017 and didn’t know how to handle so I deleted it then 2019 decided to download it again and I get a better understanding of the app and I did see success stories and other stuff about the law apparently but I choose to ignore I just search got7 stuff ( huge kpop fan back in the day) deleted and came back here in 2022 and saw stufff about the void and saw success stories to I decided to try it just to test it and honestly I got through because I saw a whole lot of affirmation and I was lazy so I only use one but I got in in the first try felt extremely comfortable but exit the fck out because my life is already perfect the way it is, I just lay on my back and said I am the void ( even though it was uncomfortable) while falling asleep and apparently I discovered I did the lullaby method but yeah, states vs a+p doesn’t make sense honestly because I see a lot of people write stuff in journals and got what they wanted an 369 method and so on, so it was very funny to me watching a+p and states fighting honestly they look extremely dumb and ignorant but it is what it is I’m enjoying life with my method which is a+p and just on tumblr for a fandom I’m in (yes K-pop)

Congrats! It’s wonderful how you used the law and changed your life for the better. I hope everyone takes something out of this post lol.

#law of assumption #manifesation #manifesting #my asks #law of attraction #void state #void success

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gojonanami · 5 months

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‧ ˚. 𝐅𝐀𝐐 !!

‧ ˚. will you do x, y, z request?

check my rules! i take requests / suggestions on an inspiration basis (if it sparks something, it will be added to sab [future fics] tag). as a rule, i don't write overly specific requests (or i may pick and choose elements to include) -- but i do not write fics with readers with specific appearances or overly specific plot points.

‧ ˚. when will you post your next fic?

i try to post every friday / saturday around 8 PM EST - but since my fics are long as heck, it sometimes takes me two weeks to write one fic (since they are usually close to 10K or above 10K). i usually make update posts so just check under sab [speaks]

‧ ˚. do you have a taglist?

i do not! i only have taglists for series. i will tag based on those who show interest/ interact with fic posts (concept, snippets, etc). if you like the post, you might get tagged, but if you comment asking to be tagged you def will be!

‧ ˚. can i write a fic based on your concept posts?

no, please don't. those ideas are for me so i can keep it in mind and so i don't forget an idea i have (because i have the memory of a squirrel).

‧ ˚. why aren't you answering my ask?

this blog typically runs on queue - i do check here and there -- but i try to answer asks in the order received (i tend to run behind due to real life obligations). so i will get to your ask. if you send in requests, sometimes i don't reply because i'm keeping it in my inbox to see if it will spark a fic down the line! on another note, if you sent in something rude, i likely just blocked you - i don't tolerate hate in any form - directed towards me or anyone else.

‧ ˚. why do you post so many asks?

you guys interact with me a lot and i'm so lucky, but because of that it may seem like i'm clogging the dash, but really, i'm just trying to reply! i love talking to you guys so much and i just want to keep an active community!! i try to queue them between 30 minutes to an hour or longer between them at the very least!

‧ ˚. why are you writing this fic with x, y, z thing/s?

this is a hobby. i will write what i want. obviously there are things that are no gos - but i write dark content and very occasionally aged up character fics (usually not because the characters i tend to write for are already adults lmao). also i'm tired - i have a job, family stuff to deal with -- i don't want to argue with people over fiction. don't like what i post? block me!

‧ ˚. do you have any writing tips?

i have writing tips under sab [writing tips] - i am planning on making a masterlist of them, but for now, they are tagged under there.

‧ ˚. can you comment on discourse?

no, i don't care about discourse. i am an adult. i have a full time job and an elderly parent to care for. i have my own friends and hobbies, i do not have time to argue with people. i just want to have a good time with you guys and i love talking to you all about our collective brainrot :)

#sab [faq]#i'm going to make a separate post with my rules #i'll make an about me as well :)

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drabbles-mc · 1 year

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Closing the Gap

Carmy Berzatto x Luca

Summary: As everyone tries to get things under control for the construction and eventual opening of The Bear, Carmy inadvertently gets sent on a trip down memory lane. A series of flashbacks to a different time, with different people. Or, really, just one different person.

Warnings: 18+, language, light angst, smoking, pining, implied smut

Word Count: 10k

A/N: It's a 10k Carmy/Luca fic and honestly I think that's all there is to say about it 😂

The Bear Taglist: @garbinge @withmyteeth @narcolini @justreblogginfics (If you want to be added to any of my taglists, please let me know!)

Carmy was staring down at the box of paperwork that he’d just set on Sugar’s desk in the office. He wasn’t really reading the tabs on the folders in front of him. His mind was running at a mile a minute and it was getting farther and farther away from the office, and The Bear in general, with each passing second.

His heartrate was beginning to speed up inside his chest, his grip on the edges of the box tightening, knuckles turning white. He stared harder at the papers in his eyeline, barely blinking as he began to spiral.

Before he got taken too far away, there was a knock on the doorframe of the office that jolted him back to reality, back to the present instead of the montage of memories that was starting to kick up at the forefront of his mind. Clearing his throat, his eyes went wide for a second before looking over his shoulder to see who was knocking to get his attention.

Marcus was standing in the doorway, holding a book in his hand. He had his beanie and a t-shirt on, no apron yet. Carmy assumed that he must’ve just gotten in. Prying his fingers away from the edges of the box, he turned around so that he could face Marcus completely.

“What’s up, Marcus?” he asked as he perched himself on the edge of the desk, trying to look more put together than he felt.

Marcus held the book up. “Just bringing this back.”

Carmy’s eyes widened slightly as he chuckled. “Done with it already?”

Marcus nodded, a shy smile on his face for a moment before he said, “There’s a lot of really cool stuff in there.” He paused. “You know how to do all this?” He shook the book a bit to emphasize his point.

Carmy shrugged, nonchalant the way he always was whenever he talked about the things he’d done, the things he was good at. “Most of it, yea.”

Marcus chuckled as he shook his head, knowing without even having to ask or comment on it that the man standing across from him was downplaying things to an almost criminal degree. “I’ll settle for getting good at some of it.”

His hands came to rest in his lap, fighting the urge to fidget, the urge to reach for a cigarette. He didn’t even really want one in that moment, but it would’ve given him something to do. Forcing his hands to still, he looked at Marcus. “I’ve got some more at my place. I’ll bring them in for you.”

Marcus nodded, clearly enjoying the thought of that. More books. More inspiration. More ideas. “Thanks, chef.” He stepped farther into the office so that he could hand the book back to Carmy. As he was about to hold the book out to him, recognition flashed across his face, like the finally got the grasp on a memory he’d been trying to recall. “Oh, shit, yea, I almost forgot.” He opened the front cover of the book and pulled out an old, somewhat wrinkled, piece of paper. “This was tucked in one of the pages.”

Carmy’s brows knit together as he reached out to take the paper. His expression eased almost immediately as he looked at it, going from concerned, to puzzled, to amused. His entire body relaxed, posture softening as he looked at the collection of doodles and drawings all over the paper.

“Shit,” Carmy said with a soft chuckle. “Of course he put that in there.”

Now it was Marcus’s turn to look confused. “Who?”

Carmy shook his head slightly, lips still twitching as he fought back a smile. “This, this guy, this kid I was a commis with. We, uh,” he laughed quietly, “we kept ending up in the same spots.” He gestured to the book that was still in Marcus’s hand. “He got that for me. We, we both…yea.”

Marcus gestured to the rumpled piece of paper that Carmy was holding. “He draw those?”

Carmy laughed a little harder at that, almost a real, full laugh. “No, no. I mean…not, not really.” His eyes dropped back down to the page, looking at the smudged ink and eraser marks left behind by both him and Luca. “Most of these are mine. He’d try, then I’d, you know, I’d fix it.”

Marcus chuckled. Of course on top of everything else, Carmy could draw. Sure, he thought silently to himself, why not? Why wouldn’t that also be something else that his boss could do, and do well?

He could see it in Carmy’s face that the book, the drawings, whatever memories were attached to them, were taking him somewhere else. Marcus had no intention of trying to pry. So he cleared his throat, offering the book over to Carmy. “Thanks again.”

Looking up, Carmy nodded as he took the book from Marcus. “No problem.”

He barely even noticed the fact that Marcus was leaving. One the book was in his hands, Carmy immediately cracked it open. It had been one in a stack of many that he’d given to Marcus the week before. The Bear had become a library of sorts with how many books were being swapped out among the chefs there. It was good. All of it was good. But as Carmy flipped through the pages of the pastry book he was holding, for a few precious minutes he was no longer standing in the middle of the construction zone that was The Bear.

“I’m Luca, by the way,” he said as he tied the apron strings behind his back.

Carmy pulled his gaze up from the floor, face scrunching for a split second as he got out of his own head and took in what was actually happening in front of him. “What?”

“Luca.” his hands dropped back to his sides as he looked at Carmy, a bare hint of a smile on his face. “My name’s Luca.”

Carmy nodded, finally processing it all as he finished putting on his own apron. “Carmy.”

For the rest of that first day, that was the only thing they said to each other that could even try to pass for conversation. The rest of the day was just calling out shorthand to each other, and calling back to the other chefs in the kitchen when they were supposed to.

The controlled chaos of the kitchen felt new and routine all at the same time. Clear directions. Flawless hand-offs. Yelling and cursing when it seemed unnecessary to anyone who didn’t live and breathe it all like the rest of them did. Coils wound so tight that they had no other option but to snap.

Each day, Luca spoke to him a little more. They’d get there early, doing their prep in the silence of the kitchen before everyone else showed up. Carmy never initiated the conversation, but he never brushed Luca off either. Sometimes he would catch a slight bristle in Luca’s tone. He was never out-right antagonistic, never under-handed the way that his family sometimes was at home right before they tried to tear into him. But sometimes there would just be a slight edge to his voice, frustration that didn’t really feel directed at Carmy even though he was the one on the receiving end of it. It never really crossed Carmy’s mind to try and investigate—he’d learned better than to ask people if they were alright or what their problem was.

“You’re really fuckin’ good at this, you know,” Luca said one morning when it was just the two of them at the prep station.

Carmy hesitated, stopping what he was doing for a moment. The sound of the knife against the cutting board died off in an instant. He tilted his head just slightly, not enough to face Luca head-on, but enough to let him know that he was tuned in now. “What?”

“You’re really good at this,” he repeated. He chuckled and shook his head a bit, impressed and almost like he was in disbelief. “I came into this feelin’ pretty good but now,” his eyebrows lifted for a moment, “now I’m thinking that maybe I got a bit too comfortable.”

Despite the confusion on his face, Carmy still smiled. He gave a tiny nod, not sure what else to do. “Right. Well, um, thanks.”

After that, it felt like every time Carmy turned around, Luca was there. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t suffocating the way that it felt in other restaurants when he had someone breathing down his neck telling him that he was doing something wrong. It felt like Luca was an extension of the same machine that Carmy was. He was there, ready to take the baton for the next part of the never-ending relay that the two of them were in. As time went on, the gap between them never quite closed, but it got more manageable.

Carmy didn’t know if he was overthinking it or not, but he could’ve sworn that he felt a shift in the air around the two of them as the days ticked by. Sometimes he thought that maybe he was just projecting, letting all the years of being home and trying to anticipate everyone’s actions and feelings before they happened bleed into the present where it had no right to be. But other times, he was pretty sure that he was right. Maybe he was a little crazy, but he was almost positive that he was right, that things were changing.

Luca never seemed bothered by it, and there was something about that, that seemed impressive to Carmy. Not that he ever figured out how to say it.

The kitchen hit a small lull after a brutal rush. Letting out a breath Carmy was fairly certain he’d been holding for hours at that point, he made a comment about stepping out for five minutes to smoke a cigarette. He hadn’t thought about how long it’d been since he had one until the chaos lessened and his mind started to wander, his fingers starting to itch for one.

He stepped out back behind the restaurant. The door hadn’t even shut before he was flipping open the top of his pack of cigarettes. He was listening, waiting to hear the clunk of the door closing behind him as he put one between his lips.

When the sound didn’t come, he turned back around, lighter at the ready in his hand but not lit yet. His eyebrows were raised, and he was about to make a snide comment about shutting the door when he saw that it was Luca. The tension in his body eased when he saw the almost sheepish look on Luca’s face as he stepped completely outside, finally letting the door shut.

“Sorry. Just, you know,” he said with a laugh, gesturing over his shoulder in the direction of the kitchen.

Carmy let out a low chuckle as he nodded. “I know.”

He lit his own cigarette before tilting the pack towards Luca, letting the action ask the question for him. There was a brief second of hesitation before Luca reached out and took one cigarette from the pack. Neither of them commented on it.

“Here,” Carmy tossed him the lighter, a smirk curling his lips as he watched Luca fumble to catch it in time. The same man whose hands moved at the speed of light when it was about knives and cutting boards struggled to spark up a lighter.

Luca pulled a drag off the cigarette between his lips and instantly descended into a coughing fit. Carmy chuckled, letting out an easy exhale, smoke streaming out from between his lips as he did. “Do you even smoke?” Luca’s silence spoke volumes and Carmy laughed, a real laugh for the first time in a long time. “Why would you—”

“Only way to get out of there for five minutes,” Luca said, voice strained as he tried to hold back another cough.

Carmy shook his head, leaning and reaching over to take the cigarette away from Luca. “Give me that.” He had a tiny smile on his face still as he snubbed the cigarette out on the ground. He situated himself comfortably back against the wall again, a couple seconds passing before Luca was standing beside him in the same position. “So,” Carmy said, doing his best to initiate conversation the way that Luca always seemed to do so easily, “why are you staying in a place that’s making you pretend to take up smoking?”

Luca chuckled and shook his head. He would’ve been embarrassed if he was the type. “Why are you in a place that made you take it up for real?”

Carmy’s eyebrows shot up for a moment, shock fading into amusement as he took another drag. “Fair.”

Things shifted again after that. Each smoke break that followed that, one where they would both slip out the back and into the alley, felt like some secret that they were the only ones in on. Luca never tried another cigarette, and Carmy was glad for that in a way that he didn’t know how to articulate. They would stand out back, shoulders pressed against the concrete wall behind them. Luca would watch Carmy tap the ashes off the end of his cigarette and Carmy would pretend not to notice him doing it.

“You got plans?” Carmy asked one day as they were both leaving the restaurant.

Luca laughed, shaking his head as he pushed the door open. “Any of us ever have plans?”

The fleeting grin on Carmy’s face was small, shy. “Right.”

Luca’s head tilted slightly, matching Carmy stride for stride as they went down the sidewalk. “Why?”

“Wanna come over?” the words felt like marbles in his mouth and he just hoped that they didn’t sound that way too. “I just. You know, shitty shift.”

Luca grinned. “Just wanna cook for someone who won’t yell at you, yea?”

Carmy let out a sharp exhale through his nose, half a laugh as he felt his cheeks flash hot. “Yea.”

“Sure,” Luca agreed easily.

When they got to Carmy’s apartment, Luca had no problem making himself right at home despite the fact that Carmy had next to nothing filling the space. It wasn’t even like it was a bachelor pad—he just didn’t have furniture.

It didn’t stop Luca from nosing around what little Carmy did have. Carmy tried not to watch him, knowing that there wasn’t really anything that he had to hide per se. But he also couldn’t remember the last time he had someone else in his apartment.

“You draw these?” Luca asked, carefully spreading out the small stack of papers that he saw resting on the edge of Carmy’s counter.

Carmy’s eyes widened at the question. He nodded, instantly trying to busy himself with getting things out of his cupboards to cook with. “Uh, yea. Yea I…yea.”

Luca had a smile on his face as he looked back and forth between Carmy and the drawings, all different dishes. Some of them were ones he recognized from the restaurant, others were thing’s he’d never seen before.

“They’re good.”

“Thanks,” Carmy mumbled as he turned the burner of the stove on.

“Can I ask you something?”

Carmy shrugged, still not looking back over his shoulder at Luca. “Shoot.”

“You draw your tattoos, too?”

He’d never been so glad that Luca couldn’t see the look on his face. “Um, yea. I mean, some of them. Most of them.”

Luca nodded even though Carmy wasn’t looking at him. Subconsciously he reached up, running his hand up along the inside of his bicep. He pushed the sleeve of his t-shirt up, fingers grazing over the tattoo that was inked into his skin there. He wasn’t even looking at his own arm as he turned over the information in his mind, but it was like he could feel it.

Somewhere along the way, that became part of the new routine. After an exceptionally hectic shift, they found themselves eating over the counter in Carmy’s apartment. Luca would nose around. Every now and then if there were blank spaces on sheets of drawing paper, he would put his own doodles there like Carmy wasn’t going to notice. When dinner was done Carmy would laugh, shake his head and start making little shifts, changes to the drawings that Luca started. Both of them would ignore the dishes in the sink and the fact that when Carmy reached over him for the paper and pencil his forearm would rest against Luca’s for all of a few seconds.

“Plans?” Carmy asked one night at the end of their shift.

Luca’s face brightened for a moment at the question. “Yea, actually.”

Carmy’s eyes widened just slightly as he slipped his coat on. “Yea?”

Luca nodded and grabbed his jacket as well. “Tattoo appointment.”

“Right.”

They both walked out the door. “Wanna come?” He saw the hesitation on Carmy’s face. “Won’t take long.”

Carmy sucked in a deep breath as he weighed out the options. “Uh, okay. Yea. Yea, sure.”

They talked on the walk there. Or rather, Luca talked and Carmy listened. He lit up a cigarette on the way. Whether it was because of the nerves or because his hands felt a little too idle, Carmy didn’t know.

“Hey,” the artist greeted Luca with a grin and a handshake that shifted into a quick hug when they entered. The man made a quick introduction to Carmy, who was feeling more and more out of place by the second, before jumping right into business. “So,” he brought Luca over to his work station, “you said that you had an idea?”

“Yea,” Luca nodded, reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. Clearly it had been unfolded and refolded numerous times. He handed it over to the artist, whose eyes were instantly darting all over the paper because of all the different drawings crammed onto the paper. He pointed to one that was off towards the side of the paper. “That one.”

Carmy’s eyes looked like they were about to pop clean out of his skull as he watched the entire interaction play out in front of him. “Luca,” he finally forced out, eyes rapidly darting back and forth between the paper, Luca’s face, and the place on Luca’s arm that he was gesturing to, “wh-what, what are you doing?”

“What?” Luca responded easily, like this was all the most normal thing in the world.

“You’re not—are you—?” Carmy couldn’t force out a full sentence.

Luca smiled, that same expression that seemed to come so easily to him. “Yea.”

Carmy had so much that he wanted to say about it, but it was like all of the words piled up and got stuck at the back of his throat. Instead of saying anything, he just nodded. When the smile on Luca’s face got a little wider, it became a little harder to be as nervous about it.

Soon the silence of the shop was cut through by the sound of the tattoo machine. Carmy sat by, watching the artist as he worked. Listening to the man and Luca converse back and forth. Luca didn’t even flinch as the needles etched the ink into his skin, like it took nothing for him to keep his arm still as it vibrated against the outside of his bicep. The artist colored in the heart, carefully doing up the outline and the small flowers at the top and bottom of it. The stark, traditional shading and lines standing out against Luca’s skin as it all got brought to life.

It was over quicker than Carmy thought it was going to be, even though he knew better. Soon enough Luca was slapping cash into the palm of the tattoo artist and they were saying goodbye. Carmy was pretty sure that he said goodbye to the man, but he couldn’t truly remember. It felt like suddenly it was just him and Luca back out on the sidewalk again.

“Not that bad, right?” Luca asked with a small grin.

Carmy looked over at him, not really sure what Luca was referring to in particular. Then he saw the way he was nodding towards his arm. Carmy chuckled and shook his head. “Not bad.” He paused, watching as Luca carefully slipped his arms back into the sleeves of his jacket. “When’d you take that, anyway?”

Luca shrugged. “Couple weeks ago.”

Carmy smiled, the spike in his heartrate for once didn’t feel like an impending anxiety attack as he laughed. “Klepto.”

“You didn’t even notice!” he responded with a laugh.

Carmy was still shaking his head as the two of them started making their way down the sidewalk. Luca was looking around at everything, meanwhile Carmy went back and forth between looking at the sidewalk passing beneath their feet, and looking over at Luca.

Neither of them brought up the tattoo after that. Sometimes Carmy would see it while they were working in the kitchen, when Luca’s sleeve would slide up when he reached for something. It was a fleeting thing, the kitchen not creating the type of environment conducive to longing stares.

Their time together as commis was rapidly approaching an end. Carmy could feel the days ticking by and he felt like he was supposed to be doing something about it but he didn’t know what. Luca would be laughing on their fake smoke breaks, he would be rooting through Carmy’s cabinets at home and ragging on him for the amount of instant ramen he had stashed in there, and Carmy could feel that he was letting opportunities pass him by. He didn’t know how not to let them keeping slipping away from him.

“I’m telling you,” Luca said as he twirled pasta around his fork, “you can come visit anytime.”

Carmy smiled small, unable to make himself look over at Luca. “Yea? Any time? Just, just drop what I’m doing and fly—”

“Across the pond,” Luca finished for him with a laugh. “Yea.”

Carmy shook his head. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good.” He paused. “Where next?”

He let out a sharp exhale. “New York, I think. Probably.”

“Probably?” Luca parroted back with a chuckle. “Might wanna firm up those plans a bit.”

Carmy turned and looked at him a little more head-on. “Yea, no, I mean, I’m, I’m locked in. For sure.”

“Second-guessing?” Luca asked, the humor gone from his voice and genuine interest in its place instead.

“Ah, um,” Carmy stammered as he tapped his fork against the edge of the bowl, “I guess?”

“Why’s that?”

Carmy paused, really considering what he wanted his answer to that question to be. “I, I do it with everything, I guess.”

Luca waited until Carmy was looking at him. “Everything?”

Carmy’s heart was beating fast enough to the point he just thought it was going to stop altogether. “Pretty much,” he forced out, voice quieter than it needed to be.

There was hardly any space between them, and Carmy had never been more aware of his proximity to another person before. The air was heavy with tension, and opportunities, and Carmy felt like it was all about one breath away from suffocating him completely. He thought that his hands were going to start shaking, enough to make the bowl fall from his hands and clatter against the floor. That was just what he needed.

“Carm?”

He wanted to look away but he couldn’t. Luca was looking at him in a way that made Carmy feel like his knees were going to give way underneath him. He was too used to having people looking through him that having someone looking at him was tough to stomach without crumpling. He opened his mouth, tried to say, “Yea?” but he couldn’t get the word out and his jaw slowly closed again instead.

Then Luca smiled and suddenly the intensity of it all seemed a little more bearable. Then Luca kissed him, movements more assured than Carmy had ever been in his life, could ever hope to be, and suddenly the suffocating feeling of it all was gone. There was no ceramic shattering on the floor, he didn’t flatline, the world didn’t crumble around them. It was good. And Carmy tried his best to just let it be good.

Carmy’s hand slid up Luca’s arm, fingers reaching underneath his sleeve just enough so that he was able to graze over the tattoo there with his fingertips. He grabbed onto Luca’s arm a little tighter, tried to pull him a little closer. The first thing he’d done in a long time that he didn’t hesitate on. Then Luca’s hand was on his shoulder, sliding up to rest against the side of Carmy’s neck, and then the rest of the world just faded into the background.

Carmy had no idea how a goodbye could hurt so much and simultaneously feel so anticlimactic. There was no getting out of it though. Luca was leaving, and Carmy wasn’t. Or, he was, but it didn’t matter because he wasn’t leaving to go to the same place that Luca was.

He sat in his apartment, the space feeling emptier now than it ever had before even though nothing had been taken out of it. He braced himself against the kitchen counter, fingers wrapped tightly around the edge of it. His eyes zeroed in on the book sitting on top of the counter. Luca had given it to him at the end of their last shift together. Leaving it with an easy, “Light reading for when you start to miss me too much,” that made Carmy laugh in the moment but the weight of it felt a little different now.

He drummed his fingers on the cover of the book. He could tell that it was brand new, the outer sleeve still glossy. The entire book, the whole hundred-plus pages of it, were all different pastries and desserts. Of course. Despite the heaviness hovering over his chest, there was a small smile on Carmy’s face as he delicately opened the front cover of it, like it was made of glass not paper.

Tucked inside the front cover was a note scribbled onto an index card. Carmy instantly recognized Luca’s handwriting. “Better learn one of these before you come visit. -Luca” His smile grew a little wider, a choked laugh getting stuck in the back of his throat as he looked at the small drawing scrawled at the bottom of the index card. Shaking his head, Carmy took the card out and tacked it onto his fridge.

It'd been months since Luca had left, months since Carmy started at his placement in New York. Every day of it had been hell. But he couldn’t stop himself from showing up every morning ready to go through it all over again. He was popping tums like they were candy and he was surprised that his hair wasn’t falling out in clumps, but he was getting through it. Despite the hellishness of it all, Carmy felt like he was doing well. Felt like he was doing things right.

Then one day it just didn’t feel that way anymore. He couldn’t pinpoint it. Maybe it was just too many hours with an asshole executive chef breathing down his neck. Maybe it wasn’t enough sleep, wasn’t enough real food that didn’t come out of the microwave or the freezer. Maybe it was too many cigarettes and not enough water. But suddenly he was out back behind the restaurant in New York hyperventilating and feeling like he was about to pass out. His hands were shaking and then he was dialing Luca’s number, something that he hadn’t done since he left.

“You know there’s a time difference, yea?” Luca said, clearly exhausted and groggy as he chuckled on the other end of the line.

“Hey,” Carmy managed to put all of his strength into getting that one word out. His voice made him seem like a completely different person. Maybe he was.

He could hear the rustling on Luca’s end, briefly wondered what he was doing or setting aside to be able to talk. It was easier for Carmy to think about that than everything else. “You alright?”

Carmy cleared his throat, but it didn’t really help at all. “You meant it, right?” He raked his fingers back through his hair. “Fuck. Fuck. You, did you mean it when you said I could visit anytime?”

Luca’s voice was smooth and steady, warm in the way Carmy had remembered it. “Course man, yea. Absolutely.”

“Okay.”

There was a pause, like Luca was waiting for Carmy to say more and then he didn’t. “Okay.”

“Th-thank you,” Carmy stammered out. “And. And I’m sorry.”

Luca didn’t acknowledge any of it, not wanting Carmy to think that he owed an apology, or that he owed any extra gratitude for what just transpired between them. “I’ll see you soon then, yea?”

Carmy exhaled deeply, intensely enough for Luca to hear it on the other end half a world away. “Yea.”

It seemed like time hadn’t even touched Luca when Carmy saw him again. He was standing outside the airport, looking around like he hadn’t been living there and already taking it all in for months. Luca heard the sound of a suitcase rolling on the cobblestones, the way it was getting closer. Looking over, he beamed when he saw Carmy.

He held out both his arms. “Welcome to Copenhagen.”

Carmy laughed, those three words eradicating the worry that things were going to be off between them. It was one of the only things that he could think of the whole flight over. But of course it was alright. It was Luca.

“C’mon,” Luca joked as he gestured for Carmy to follow him, “I’ll be your tour guide.”

Carmy didn’t do much talking as the two of them walked to wherever Luca was deciding to take him. He was glad for it. He listened as Luca talked about some of the places that they passed, some of the things he’d been up to in his time there. Carmy would’ve listened to him for hours if he could. He missed it, missed him. He should’ve called.

“Oh,” Luca turned and looked at Carmy as they walked, “I did get a place for you to stay. Marie has some rules but it’s a pretty cool spot.”

“Yea?” Carmy allowed himself a little hopefulness. Something about being on the other side of the world from the rest of the chaos making it seem more doable.

Luca nodded. “Yea. Honestly I might be crashing in on you while you’re there.”

Carmy smiled small and warm at the thought of it. “Alright.”

Of all the things Carmy had been expecting, he certainly hadn’t been expecting Luca to bring him to a boat. His eyebrows lifted, a surprised smile on his face as he look back and forth between Luca and the boat. He had questions but as he looked at the giddy smile on Luca's face he decided that none of them really mattered.

“Pretty cool, yea?” Luca said as he held his hand out to help pull Carmy on-board.

Carmy laughed as he accepted the help, nodding as he balanced his luggage and his footsteps getting on. “Yea, pretty cool.”

It took an extra couple of seconds for Carmy to realize that his hand was still gripping onto Luca's. When he brought his gaze up to Luca's face, he realized that Luca was focused intently on his hand. For a fleeting moment Carmy thought the worst, but then he realized that Luca was studying the ink on Carmy's skin. A tattoo that hadn’t been there before when they were in Chicago together. Carmy had gotten plenty of other tattoos since, Luca too, but he was acutely aware of why Luca was fixated on that one in particular.

Pulling his hand away, Carmy tried to cover his nerves by clearing his throat. “You said she left instructions or something?”

Luca didn’t seem fazed by the shift in conversation. “Right, yea, c’mon.” He motioned for Carmy to follow him inside. He ducked to fit underneath the top of the door frame, but not quite low enough and he thumped his head as a result. He muttered out a quiet, “Shit,” before laughing.

Carmy laughed too, shaking his head as he went through the door with no issues. He slipped past Luca, who was reading the note that was left on the table for him.

He was looking for a decent place to set his bags for the time being when he heard Luca ask, “You alright with cats?”

“Cats?” Carmy parroted back.

“Yea,” Luca stepped over to where Carmy was standing by the bed. The small space they were in making him feel much closer than usual. He showed Carmy the paper. “Said you gotta leave water out for the cat.”

Carmy shrugged. “I can do that.” He watched as Luca set the note down. Then it was just the two of them standing in the silence of the boat, and Carmy knew that now was the time to say something. “Thank you, again. Seriously.”

Luca shook his head slightly. “Don’t thank me.” He paused. “You alright?”

Carmy didn’t know how to answer that question. Right then, in that moment, he was as alright as he could ever remember being. But he knew it wasn’t a feeling that was going to last. Eventually he’d have to go back. And then what? He was going to be left in the same situation he’d been in when he called Luca. Not alright at all.

“I am now,” he answered honestly.

Luca gave a slow nod, able to hear what Carmy wasn’t saying. “You wanna talk about it?” He gave it a beat. “About New York?”

With no hesitation Carmy shook his head. “No. Not, not right now.”

Luca nodded. “Sure.”

Silence filled the space between them again, and Luca could see it in Carmy’s posture, in the way that his hands were fidgeting with nothing, that he was trying to figure out if he’d said the wrong thing or not. It was so strange to Luca, the fact that that was a constant concern on his mind, because as far as he was concerned, there wasn’t a single thing that Carmy could say to him in their moments together that would ever constitute as wrong.

He broke the ice again, happy to do it as many times as necessary. “I can promise you that there’s nothing in the fridge or the cupboards. So,” he shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest, “we can take care of that if you’re not too beat.”

Carmy nodded eagerly. Food. Groceries. Those were things he could handle talking about. Those were topics that he wouldn’t fuck up. “Yea, I’m good for that.”

Luca smiled. “Great.”

It was as easy as Carmy ever remembered it being with Luca. Maybe even easier, with the worst of his stressors an ocean away from him for now. Luca led the way through markets and shops and Carmy was more than happy just to follow, to listen to what Luca had to say about all of them. Most of the things they bought were groceries, but every now and then Luca would take him on a detour, popping into a bakery or strolling up to a stand and buying something small to eat as they wandered. He justified it as giving Carmy inspiration, expanding his palette, not that that was a large concern for him anyway. But really it was just nice to be able to share this part of his life.

“Good, yea?” Luca asked as he watched Carmy take a bite of the pastry he’d just handed over to him.

Carmy’s brows knit together for a moment, his expression serious as he really turned over each flavor. “Whoa,” he said, food still tucked in his cheek, “that’s fire.”

Luca’s face brightened as he laughed. “Right?” The two of them continued on their way, bags hanging in the crooks of each of their arms. “Been missing out.”

Carmy chuckled, watching Luca as he confidently guided them back towards the boat. “Yea, apparently.”

They worked in tandem to find homes for all of the groceries they’d brought back. Carmy laughed every time Luca had to duck his head to get underneath something. Tried and failed to stifle that same laughter the times that he forgot and ended up bumping his head against the low ceilings and doorframes of the boat.

When they were together in Carmy’s apartment, Carmy did most of the cooking. Luca would pitch in here and there, but it was Carmy’s domain for the most part. This time around, in what little space they had to cook on the boat, the two of them were doing everything together. Once again, they were part of the same machine, but this time it flowed so nicely—no screaming, no stress. They just flowed their way through it and at the end of it all they had a meal.

“So,” Carmy said as they sat at the tiny table together, “is your boat down the street? Or are these just for tourists?”

Luca laughed, shaking his head. “Tourists only, yea.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “My flat’s alright. More furniture than yours had.”

Carmy almost choked on his food. “Oh yea?”

Luca laughed and nodded. “Yea.” His shoulders shook with refrained laughter. “Not like this, though.”

Carmy studied Luca’s face, watched the way he was focused on the plate as he gathered another forkful of food. “You asking to stay over?”

Luca’s eyes diverted back up to him, a smile curling the ends of his lips. “Only if you’re saying yes.”

Carmy’s entire face flashed hot and he was smiling before he knew what he was doing. “Yes.”

His grin grew a little wider. He nodded, but didn’t say anything else about it as the two of them went back to finishing their meal. Carmy’s heart felt like it was beating clean into his throat but he didn’t mind it. He forgot what that was like.

“Nah, I, I got it,” he said as he waved Luca off when they were done, stopping the man from getting up from the table. “You’re just gonna smack your head off something again.”

Luca chuckled but he didn’t fight him on it, letting Carmy gather up their plates and silverware and bring it to the sink to start washing them. For a couple minutes Luca just sat back and watched Carmy, the way he still did everything with the same meticulous precision he did in the restaurant, but now there wasn’t that same tension in his shoulders like there had been before. He drummed his fingers lightly on the tabletop for a moment before getting up to go and help. He saw Carmy turn, about to try and send him off again, but he didn’t give him a chance as he grabbed a towel and started to dry the dishes he’d set in the drying rack.

“Thank you,” Carmy said, sounding more amused than he wanted to.

Luca smiled, nodded, but didn’t turn to look at him, didn’t say anything in response. The two of them comfortably silent as they continued to wash, dry, and put away the few dishes that they’d used to cook and eat with. Carmy was extremely aware of the contact each time their hands touched, fingers brushing on the hand-off. He was equally aware of the fact that Luca didn’t seem shaken about it like he was. One day he’d feel that kind of comfortable confidence.

“Luca?” Carmy said, drying his hands off when they were done.

“Yea?” he tilted his head slightly, not completely facing him yet as he dried off his own hands and set the towel to the side.

The three seconds between Luca saying that and looking at him felt like some of the longest of Carmy’s life. A long time to wait trying to make one day happen now.

Luca finally turned and looked at him, the look on his face clearly showing that he was about to say something, maybe even ask if Carmy was alright. Carmy didn’t give him the chance to get the question out. He wouldn’t have been able to answer it anyway. Instead, he leaned in, bringing his lips to Luca’s. Even with everything that happened, there was still a split second when Carmy worried that he was going to pull away. But he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t pull away, and Carmy leaned in more and brought his hand to the side of Luca’s face.

He leaned down, melting right into Carmy, relaxing into it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Carmy almost didn’t know what to do with that. It felt like each part of his body was moving independently from the others, brain detached from all of it. But suddenly his other hand was on Luca’s side and he was pulling him back, the few strides there were between the kitchen and the bed.

The moment was broken only by the muffled thumping sound of Luca’s head hitting the ceiling as they stepped from one area of the boat to the next. It caused both of them to laugh, breaking the kiss.

“Shit.”

“Fuck.”

They both swore quietly at the same time. Carmy was shaking his head, cheeks feeling like they were on fire even though it wasn’t really his fault. “You good?”

Luca chuckled, nodding. “Yea, it’s alright.”

The moment smoothed itself over. Soon enough Luca’s lips were right back on his again. Carmy didn’t know how he managed to make something so pivotal feel so low-stakes. Something that would’ve had him paralyzed with fear if it was anyone else felt so traversable now.

When Carmy woke up, it was to the sound of Luca shuffling around the boat in the small hours of the morning. He was hunched over, gathering his clothes off the floor. Carmy’s eyes were barely open at all, still heavy with sleep. His brain was working at half-speed trying to figure out what was going on.

“All good?” Carmy mumbled, propping himself up on one elbow.

The humor in Luca’s tone was impossible to miss, getting more enjoyment than maybe he should have at how exhausted Carmy sounded. “Yea. Work.”

“Shit,” Carmy said, pressing the heel of his palm against his eye. “Right.”

“Go to sleep,” Luca told him, pulling his t-shirt down over his head. “I’ll be back later.”

Carmy was too tired to argue, jetlag catching up to him something fierce along with all of the exhaustion he’d been trying not to feel over the last few months. It felt safe to feel it all now, let it take him out for a few more hours.

Luca did come back, just like he said he would. He returned to the boat with a backpack stuffed full of clothes and other miscellaneous things. Carmy felt like an idiot for how wide his smile grew at the realization of it when Luca set it with Carmy’s suitcase.

That was their life for the next few days. Cozy nights fumbling around the close quarters of the boat, cooking meals that they each knew they wouldn’t be making for themselves if they were alone. They took turns doing dishes. Luca would leave early in the morning, Carmy usually only waking up just long enough to see him go before falling back to sleep again. And when he’d wake back up again, with most of the day to himself, he’d go out. He’d find restaurants. He’d go wander in places that he never would’ve taken the time to under any other circumstances. Let himself be a tourist and he’d send Luca photo evidence of it even though he couldn’t really respond.

Luca got back to the boat one night and Carmy was already elbow-deep in making something that Luca had no idea about. He loomed over Carmy’s shoulder, looking back and forth between what Carmy was doing, and the book that was open and precariously perched just out of the danger-zone.

“What’s all this?” he finally asked.

Carmy spared a quick glance over his shoulder. “You, uh,” he laughed, feeling a little ridiculous about it, “you said I had to learn one of these before I came to visit.”

Luca gave him a warm smile as he tried to take a closer look at the recipe that Carmy was working from. “Did you?”

“I mean, I don’t have it memorized, but, you know, yea. I learned it.”

“Too busy to memorize it?” Luca joked.

Carmy laughed, eyes widening for a moment. “Yea. You know, can’t remember what I was so busy doing. No priorities, apparently.”

“None, yea,” Luca agreed with a grin.

Truth be told, Luca never would’ve been able to tell if Carmy had ever made a dish before or not. Everything he ever saw Carmy attempt to make always came out great, like he’d made it a thousand times in his sleep before. It was beyond his comprehension.

“Glad I gave you that,” Luca said with a smug smirk pulling at the end of his lips, half-eaten pastry in his hand.

Carmy shook his head but he smiled too. “I’m sure.” He took a bite of the one he’d been holding onto. “You should check it out.”

Luca nodded. “Sure.”

Carmy’s voice got softer as he said, “Good.”

He could see it on Carmy’s face that his mind was wandering, going too far beyond the reaches of the boat they were in for it to be anything good. “Hey.” He waited for Carmy to look at him again, both their expressions shifting slightly. Luca lightly knocked his knee against Carmy’s. “It’s all good.”

He blinked, nodding, processing the comforting shorthand. “Yea. Yea. It’s all good.” He paused, shoulders relaxing. “Thank you.”

Luca smiled, an easy comforting thing. He watched Carmy finish off the pastry that he was eating. He could see the thousand tiny little shifts in his expression, and Luca had to laugh. “What?”

Carmy looked confused, almost startled at the question. “What? I didn’t, I didn’t say anything.”

“What are you gonna do different next time?” he asked, lifting the pastry in his hand a little higher. He saw the way that Carmy was about to try and come up with a rebuttal and he didn’t let him. “I can see it on your face, Caz.” He couldn’t stop laughing. “What is it?”

Carmy rolled his eyes, tried to keep a serious expression on but he broke down into laughter too, knowing that there was no way he was going to be able to lie to Luca. “I don’t know how to explain it. Something’s just…you really don’t know what I’m talking about?”

“Not a clue,” Luca admitted with a laugh, unashamed as could be.

“You think I’m nuts.” It was a statement, not a question as Carmy stared at him.

“Oh, well, yea,” Luca said, face bright with humor. “’Course I do.”

Carmy broke down in laughter. “Fuck off.”

They were both lost to fits of laughter after that, sitting next to each other at the small round table. Luca watched as Carmy poured over the recipe again, like if he reread the words over one more time he would be able to pinpoint what it was about it that he didn’t like.

“Carm?” Luca piped up, knowing that Carmy had no concept of time, no idea how long he’d been staring at the same page in the recipe book.

“Yea?” Carmy replied, not looking up from the page.

Luca chuckled, reaching over and shutting the book on him. “Try again tomorrow. Not gonna fix it all today.”

Carmy huffed, but smiled as he leaned back in his chair. “Right. Yea.”

It was late. Later than it should’ve been considering Luca’s alarm would be going off in a few hours. He was on the bed beside Carmy, laying on his side with his head perched in his hand, arm bent keeping him propped up enough to look at Carmy’s face as Carmy laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He studied the little details of Carmy’s face, things that he didn’t get to see in other moments, things no one else ever got to see. The light sheen of sweat across his forehead, the flush of his cheeks, the way only a few locks of his hair stuck were unruly enough to fall in front of or on the sides of his face. He watched the rise and fall of Carmy’s chest, drastic but faster than it usually was as he tried to catch his breath.

For a moment Luca didn’t even think that Carmy was paying attention to him at all, thought that maybe he was lost in his own thoughts or maybe even for once wasn’t thinking any thoughts at all. But then Carmy’s eyes wandered, matching Luca’s gaze. His lips curved upwards into a small smile as he looked over at Luca.

“What?” Carmy asked, laughing quietly.

Luca shook his head, watching as Carmy tucked one hand behind his head. “Can I ask you something?”

That was the kind of question that would usually be enough to send a jolt of fear clean down Carmy’s spine. But it didn’t this time, like nothing could touch them here. “Yea. Always.”

With the hand that wasn’t keeping his head propped up, Luca reached over and gently took Carmy’s free hand in his own. Carmy watched with bated breath as Luca turned his hand over, fingers grazing deftly over his skin.

“When,” Luca started to ask, fingertips lightly tapping the flower that was inked into the side of Carmy’s hand, one that looked very similar to the ones that were around the heart on Luca’s arm, “did you get this one?”

Carmy couldn’t take his eyes of his hand, off of Luca’s hand that was still toying with his own. His face felt like it was on fire. He knew that Luca was only asking the question because he already had an idea as to what the answer was.

“That one?” Carmy stalled, eyes still locked on their hands. “I got that one, uh, I got it, you know, right before I went to New York.”

“Yea?”

“Yea.”

“Goodbye present from Chicago?”

Carmy chuckled. “Say that like I was never gonna go back.”

Luca shrugged. “You know what I mean.”

Carmy’s face softened. “I know what you mean.”

“Just wondering, ‘cause, you know,” he met Carmy’s eyeline, “looks a little familiar, is all.”

Carmy laughed. “Does it? Does it look familiar?”

“If you wanted to copy mine, you should’ve just—”

“Copy yours?” Carmy asked, laughing like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard Luca say. “You stole my drawing and got it—”

“And then you copied it.”

They were both laughing, fingers still entwined. Carmy gave in, losing the argument feeling better than winning any other one ever had. “Guess it made me feel a little better.”

Luca nodded, bringing their joined hands up to his lips, the kiss so light and fleeting that Carmy would’ve chalked it up to a daydream if he didn’t know any better. “Me too.”

When Luca’s alarm went off in the morning, it woke Carmy up first for once. Opening one eye, he looked over to see Luca still passed out in the bed beside him. He let out a quiet, sleepy chuckle as he reached resting his hand against the center of Luca’s chest.

“Hey,” Carmy mumbled, the side of his face still resting in the crook of Luca’s shoulder. “C’mon.” He drummed his fingers. “You gotta go.”

Luca’s eyes weren’t even open as he wrapped his arm around Carmy, pulling him tighter against his side for a moment. “Yea. I’m going.”

Carmy would’ve stayed like that all day long if there weren’t any consequences to it. “I see that, yea.” Carmy could’ve sworn that it caused him real, physical pain to unfurl himself from Luca’s hold. “Go, Chef. Get ready.”

Luca groaned but he started to force himself to be fully conscious. “Heard.”

Carmy was only half awake, laying on his stomach with his arms tucked underneath his pillow as he watched Luca haphazardly get ready for the day. It was going to be a long one and Carmy felt a little bad, but not bad enough to apologize.

“I’ll see you,” Luca said as he pulled his shoes on.

Carmy nodded, already about to fall back to sleep. “I’ll be here.”

Carmy went out again, took himself on a small-scale grocery trip. Went out just long enough to get a few specific things that he had in mind. When he got back, he was surprised to find that Luca had gotten back in the time that he was gone. He must’ve started his day much later than he thought.

When he walked through the door, he saw Luca sitting at the table looking through the pastry book. Carmy chuckled. “Hey.”

“You know,” Luca started, still looking at the pages in front of him, “I don’t think there’s a cat.”

Carmy let out a confused laugh as he unpacked the bag of groceries he was carrying. “What?”

Luca looked over at him. “You ever see Coco?”

Carmy paused, thinking about it for a moment before finally shaking his head. “Never.”

“Yea,” he turned the page, “I don’t think she’s real.”

“Or she’s invisible.”

“Oh, yea,” Luca nodded, laughing, “that makes more sense.”

Carmy had stopped keeping track of how many days he’d spent in Copenhagen. If he started to count, reality would start to set in and if that happened the delicate bubble that was keeping he and Luca safe would inevitably pop. Luca hadn’t brought up New York, hadn’t brought up any of it. And Carmy was wondering if he was just as afraid for it all to crumble away. Or maybe Luca was just letting this be what his life was now. Carmy wished that he could do the same.

There was Luca. And there was the boat. And there were quiet nights and a cat that was nowhere to be found. But there was also Noma and ridiculous hours and minds racing with the thoughts of ingredients and recipes. There was a balance that was so carefully struck but Carmy knew that he wasn’t going to be able to maintain it forever—he wasn’t Luca. He also knew that it was all temporary. Noma wasn’t forever. Copenhagen wasn’t forever. He didn’t want to keep going on that train of thought, knowing where the final destination of it was.

It was easy to let himself stave off the thoughts most of the time. He’d get halfway down a spiral and then Luca would say something to get his attention, or his arm would sling over Carmy’s side in his sleep, and it was like a reset. Turning the timer back again. But eventually it was going to have to go off.

Carmy was packing up what precious little he’d brought with him to Copenhagen in the first place. Luca sat on the edge of the bed watching, neither of them really saying much about any of it. What was there to say?

He was getting ready to pull the zipper on his suitcase when Luca held the book out to him, the same one he’d given Carmy when he was leaving Chicago. Carmy shook his head. “Keep it. Your turn to learn something from it.” He knew that more than once over the last few weeks Luca had brought it to work with him. Neither of them ever said anything about it.

Luca’s smile was small as he shook his head, continuing to hold the book out to Carmy. “It’s yours.” When Carmy still wouldn’t take it from him, he tossed it into his suitcase for him. “Perfect that recipe before you come back next time.”

Carmy chuckled but there was a heaviness to it as he nodded. “Right. Right. Next time.”

“Don’t gotta wait till you have another breakdown, by the way.”

Carmy laughed, looking over at Luca. “Might be the fastest way to get me back here.”

Luca nodded, a tiny grin on his face. “Might be.”

For the first time in a long time there was a weight to the silence that was between them. Carmy found himself wanting to say thank you, wanting to apologize, all the stuff that Luca never asked him for. He didn’t know what else there was to say. He felt like they didn’t really have to say the rest of it.

“I’m, um, I’m glad I called you,” Carmy finally said.

“Me too.”

“I won’t wait so long next time.” He wanted it to be true. He hoped that it was.

Luca smiled. “Good.”

Carmy was smiling but he could feel the familiar burn of tears wanting to form. He shook his head slightly, gaze dropping when he couldn’t hold Luca’s stare anymore without feeling like he was going to break. “Fuck,” he muttered, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. “Shit. I’m,” he shook his head, looking up at the ceiling before looking back at Luca again, “I’m sorry.”

Luca shook his head. “It’s alright.” Getting up, he made sure to keep his head low enough to not smack it off the ceiling. He’d nearly perfected that. He pulled Carmy in, repeating the words when he felt the way Carmy sagged against him. “It’s alright.”

Carmy was yanked back to the present, back to reality by the sound of something crashing in the next room over. His fingers curled tighter around the book in his hands, like if he held onto it tight enough he’d get sent right back into the past again.

He could hear the yelling on the other side of the wall. The words being said didn’t reach his ears. They didn’t need to—it wouldn’t matter if they did. He looked back down at the book in front of him, eyes roaming over the pages. He still remembered the recipe. He still never figured out what it had been missing.

Syd materialized in the doorway of the office, looking as exasperated as she ever had. “Got a question, Chef.”

Carmy had to try harder than he cared to admit to look up from the pages in front of him. “I was thinking about Marcus.”

Syd blinked once, shaking her head slightly at the change in subject when they hadn’t gotten fully started on the thing that she had popped in to talk about in the first place. “Okay?”

“Yea.” Carmy nodded, closing the book and drumming his fingers against the cover. “Yea.”

Syd’s eyes widened, waiting for an explanation that never came. “What were you thinking about Marcus?”

“We should send him somewhere. Get him, you know, get him inspired.”

Syd shrugged, nodding. “We could do that. Got any ideas?”

“A few,” he replied with no hesitation. “Yea, I got a couple.” He paused, thinking about the paper covered in drawings, about the book with the impossible recipe, about the number in his phone that he hadn’t dialed in far too long. “I was thinking maybe Copenhagen?”

Syd smiled at that. “Shit, yea. That’d, that’d be dope.” She thought on it for a moment. “You know someone, I’m assuming?”

Carmy chuckled, nodding. “Yea. I know someone.”

Syd nodded. “Let’s do it.”

Relief and excitement both rushed through Carmy all at once. “Heard.” Clearing his throat, he called out, yelling above the rest of the noise, “Yo! Marcus!”

Within seconds Marcus appeared back in the doorway of the office. “Yes, Chef?”

“We’re sending you to Copenhagen,” Carmy said with a definitive nod.

Marcus’s eyes went wide. He looked back and forth between Carmy and Syd like he was waiting for this to be the punchline of a joke. “For real?”

Carmy nodded. “For real.”

His entire face lit up. “Alright. Heard, Chef.”

The smile on Carmy’s face was soft as he nodded once more. “Alright.”

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shadowbrightshine · 9 months

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I'm at an old closed Christmas shop. It's got a beautiful organ that's been in the shop since 1960 and it's only open for about a week of the year. Pictures and more will be at the end.

I made friends with a woman, asked them to sing happy birthday for a random stranger at request, met the Nora town cat, and more. Stories below

The town, or the town sign says population 5.

This is a tiny town seemingly that consists of only the people who live in this shop.

I think the shop itself is the town. The shop-town-place of Nora. Population 5+ the Nora cat.

And once for a week every year the shop opens and they play the organ. The building is under federal/government protection apparently. It's old and so cool.

It's beautiful. Here's a little bit of the organ playing. I'll be rebloging this with a video so it isn't hidden from me.

The man who plays the organ and owns the shop is very funny. He's been doing this yearly thing for 35 years. The shop closed down years ago. You can't buy any merchandise of the event either. Memories have to do.

And he holds this for free.

I love living in the small town area of my state. My own town is only about 10k people, but it's bigger than some.

This is a beautiful thing.

Thank you tiny towns.

I just sang the highest notes I ever have for "O Holy Night" and I didn't choke once. If I had a recording I would keep it forever because I haven't felt that proud of myself singing in a long time. This place feels like a dream.

Like the movies, when you're in a beautiful little town and surrounded by strangers but you leave as friends.

A little boy in a rainbow striped jacket spilled water all over my jacket and I just sent him to go get his mom because he also spilled it on his monkey plush that according to him has no name. I'm alright, it's fleece it doesn't really absorb water.

We ran out of chairs so families are standing by us at the snack table, I made friends with a mom whose two year old keeps kicking me and dropped his stuff on my feet. It's ok, he's just a toddler.

I gave my book of songs to the standing family. Most of the pages are falling out from years of use.

I've been using a big bell ringer and I love it.

I've never felt closer to God here with all these people singing to an old organ in the middle of nowhere, all crowded together in a tiny closed down store.

I made friends with the woman standing next to me. Her name is Kendal, and her son is 2 years old and loves tractors.

Kendal asked me to call out a request for happy birthday for a woman named Donna. I'm not sure how they were related but I loudly called out the request for her.

She told me I had a beautiful voice, and then the woman in front of us turned around and agreed! I added both to my list of kind things people have said to me.

We exchanged phone numbers. Now we're friends and she's told me we're going to exchange cat photos.

My mom in the car told me I kept good time on the bells and asked why I never went into percussion. The drums were too loud, but she said since I'll be heading to college soon, I might be able to play the bells there. I hope so. I adore Bella. I even collect them, old vintage dinner bells and normal bells and bells a ringing!

I gave what money was in my bag to the man running the event, I hope he can keep it open. I'll be wanting to come back every year I can from now on.

This is the cat, the store, the sign, and blurry pictures of some pretty Christmas lights I passed.

I love Christmas.

#shine post #Christmas songs #christmas songs #nora store #christmas #i love life #i love my town #i love Nora store town #i love christmas #i love this world and everyone #i love you

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rainbow-scarab · 2 years

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It/Its in Hollow Knight: a post about pronouns, probably

Hollow Knight has a high usage of it/its. Originally I thought about it in terms of the dehumanization of the vessels, as is a theme commonly explored in the fandom. But the more I played the game, the more I realized just how much this pronoun is used, in various contexts.

I set to investigating, and the more I investigated, the more I found my expectations overturned. And I ended up finding more questions than answers. Thus is Hollow Knight lore I guess XD In the beginning, I wanted to make a theory post. But being less concrete, I don’t know if I can call it a theory as much as just documentation of my journey trying to understand the game.

Also being the first…well, theory-esque post I’m making, I may have gotten too deep into some ideas XD in my excitement.

But if you like long musings on pronouns and their implications, with documentation, and watching me go slightly insane analyzing the entire theology of Hallownest for the divine pronoun use, please enjoy this nearly 10k word post.

When I first played Hollow Knight, I noticed, as others do, the themes that surrounded the vessels. The tragedy of their births, deaths, and how they were treated. The cost in no cost too great, without voice to cry their suffering.

And they were called “it”.

I’ve seen it explored a lot in fandom, their status as people, the subject of dehumanization (debugification??). And that was most of what I thought of too at first, when it came to it/its.

But playing the game through more, I noticed a few odd examples. One being Cloth, who has a positive and friendly outlook towards the protagonist, calling them “it” in her dreamnail dialog. I also noticed Grimm calling Grimmchild “it”. This use did not seem to be the same kinda thing, for dehumanization. So I wondered. And started investigating.

I looked into: the lore tablets (various signs and stuff you can read in the game), character dialog (including dreamnail dialog and shop menus), and the Hunter’s journal, primarily. The whispering roots and Hall of Gods text too, though they weren’t so useful.

I ended up looking into things like character biases and perception in answering why a character might speak as they do. Also, though I was primarily interested in the kind of things that come into play with it/its vs they/them, the nongendered aspects in other words, I did look into gender too.

I just took as a given that the vessels are in fact full people, with mind/will/emotion, and are genderless.

My conclusions? It/its does not seem to be dehumanizing, but a commonly used pronoun throughout the game. With only one instance of they/them, it/its is the predominant gender-neutral pronoun. It possibly retains a hint of otherness, but not necessarily in a negative way.

Before I get into more specifics, if you want I have a document here with all the evidence I was looking over. And a quick table of contents since the post is just that long:

The Hunter’s Journal

Ghost

General Characters

Specific Characters

Higher Beings

Meta

The Hunter’s Journal

As I collected raw data, I found it/its everywhere. I wondered what this might say about the creatures of Hallownest. Again, I was starting from the point of thinking about dehumanization and similar implications that often come with it/its. I decided to analyze the Hunter’s Journal first (and the Hunter himself). It’s the largest amount of dialog from a single voice, all about other beings, and thus the largest collection of pronoun use. Most of them are it/its.

I analyzed the Hunter himself as well. His mindset, how he views others. All this could influence pronoun choice.

The Hunter loves hunting (obviously), both just to kill things but also to eat them. He will eat both sentient and non-sentient bugs (see: vengeflies, but also, maggots, who are clearly intelligent). He seems to enjoy playing with his prey and feeling superior due to being able to survive better. He may have killed his own siblings (“When I was young, my brothers and sisters and I would hunt each other in the nest. Now I hunt alone.”).

He has clear disdain for Hallownest civilization. He says a lot of things about the society made the bugs weak. Does not care for groups in general (hunts alone, thinks that loyalty makes you a slave to others). Some examples:

Wandering Husk entry: “These "civilised" bugs of Hallownest were weak in life and now they are equally weak in death.”

Dung Defender entry: “Fighting for 'honour', or for 'loyalty'... you may as well be fighting for dust. If you want to kill, do it for your own sake. That is the nature of a true Hunter.”

Hive Knight entry: “Some creatures are born with duties and loyalties marked indelibly upon their minds. They are strong, but they are also slaves.”

Royal Retainer entry: “Simple, weak creatures find strength by forming a hive and obeying a ruler. Such creatures become the arms and teeth and claws of their monarch.”

I wondered if he might use it/its due to these traits. Considering those he hunts lesser than him, disliking their mindsets, and otherwise distancing himself by thinking of them in terms of prey and food.

Searching through all the entries, I found he uses it/its for all manner of bugs, both intelligent and not. For example, generic Hallownest citizens tend to have “husk” in the name (or are a variant of a “husk” enemy), and have either it/its in their journal entries or the entries avoid gendered language. Actually, that’s pretty common I found. Many entries avoid pronouns altogether and may forgo a sentence subject. Pronoun avoidance turns out to be a trend throughout the game I’ll come back to. No sentence subject though, that’s all him, he being perfectly content to leave his sentences with fewer words.

There are several entries with reference to binary genders, though.

The Hunter uses he/him for the Pale King, Traitor Lord, Zote, and Markoth, and she/her for God Tamer and Hornet. All of those have their own entries except the Pale King, who occasionally gets referenced in other entries. I thought at first that perhaps he has greater respect for these strong characters to use other pronouns, except uh. Zote is in there XD So maybe not.

I also found some instances of characters on the same level as those with he/him or she/her, which he decides to use it/its for. What I mean by “same level”, uh…

You have Markoth, a dream warrior. He gets he/him in his entry. Other dream warriors have their pronouns avoided, except Gorb: “A mysterious life-form that claimed to contain all of the world's knowledge inside of its distended brain.”

You also have God Tamer, champion of the Colosseum of Fools, with she/her in her entry. But the Pale Lurker, former champion, has it/its: “This odd creature is unaffected by and unaware of the disease drifting through the caverns. Its madness is all its own.”

I wondered…does the Hunter use it/its due to those two being strange? Othering them? “Mysterious life-form” is pretty othered. The Pale Lurker, too, is considered odd and mentally unwell.

But I also wondered, it’s possible he doesn’t know how to gender them well, or thinks they’re nonbinary.

I wondered about the actual gender of these characters. Like how the Pale Lurker is listed as female on the wiki. But the answer to that is a bit complicated I found, will come back to it, the more important part here being the Hunter’s perception.

Anyway, I am uncertain. I’m not sure by what criteria the Hunter would gender others, as well as what people in general bug society would consider gender norms or common sex characteristics.

Like, the entry on Hornet: “I thought her prey and pounced at her, but with a flash she stabbed me with her flying stinger and darted away. Could she be... a Hunter?” Cornifer also remarks upon her: “I ran into another traveller as I made my way down here. I tried to call out to her as she dashed past but she barely even glanced in my direction.”

Both the Hunter and Cornifer are willing to call her she/her. They both don’t know her. Their encounters were so brief I’m uncertain she would have even said anything much less introduced herself. Something about her still made them choose to call her she/her. I can only guess something about her physically, unless her clothes or something are considered gendered. I don’t really have answers here, except to contrast this case with that of Gorb and the Pale Lurker.

Lastly, I found the Hunter to use it/its for Hollow on their entry: “Fully grown Vessel, carrying the plague's heart within its body. / The old King of Hallownest... he must have been desperate to save his crumbling little world. The sacrifices he imposed on others... all for nothing.”

I wondered if he might actually place more value in Hollow than he does for most creatures. Just…as he considers them a sacrifice, and if something/someone is sacrificed, that means there’s value there. Of course the fountain in the City of Tears calls them a sacrifice too, with it/its. It’s possible the Hunter saw it in all his travels around the kingdom. As far as I can tell from references to him in the entries, the Hunter just seems baffled by the Pale King. Perhaps due to his thoughts on civilization, loyalty, preference for being alone, etc. I just wondered…does he dislike the sacrifices due to the pointlessness and disdain for civilization? Or was there any sympathy for those sacrificed? I don’t know, but it caught my imagination for a bit there. And what implications it might have for his use of it/its.

By the end of this, I dunno if I could say I had many conclusions. Except that the Hunter really likes it/its by default it seems. But he’s just one individual. One weird loner cannibalistic individual XD

Ghost

Next I looked at character dialog and reactions for Ghost. Of course they themself do not speak, and do not indicate any preference for themself.

Most of the time when characters are speaking to them they of course are just using second person. Sometimes we do get third person in dreamnail dialog, always it/its. There’s one instance of they/them, when Bretta writes about them.

Interesting to me though are the few characters who use third person to their face, rather than second person. For the subject of dehumanization, this is the most blatant.

The White Lady, Mask Maker, and the Dreamers all do this. The Dreamers seem to be talking amongst themselves half the time, perhaps you could say even talking over Ghost. They do address them some, calling them “little shadow”, giving commands, and not using second person at all. They do not seem to treat Ghost as a person.

Mask Maker solely uses it/its and doesn’t even address Ghost. The meaning of this, hard to say; Mask Maker is quite an odd and mysterious person. Though they do seem to know from their dream dialog something of Ghost’s origin. It’s hard to say how that might influence their pronoun choice.

The White Lady speaks as if Ghost isn’t there half the time, alternating with second person. She uses it/its for them. Some quotes:

Initial: “Oh! One arrives. Far it walks to find me. Did it seek my aid? Or did the path carry it by chance to so pertinant a place? It is true. True, that you were awaited. No. Perhaps that is inaccurate. True one like you was awaited. I have a gift, held long for one of your kind. Half of a whole. When united, great power is granted, and on the path ahead, great power it will need.”

With Kingsoul: “Ahh! So it bears our once-fractured soul, now complete. Such strength, such resolve, such dedication! Is it more than simply a Vessel? I almost feel like I'm once again in the presence of my beloved Wyrm. The Kingsoul... What is at the heart of it I wonder? If its curiosity wills it, it should seek out that place. That place where it was born, where it died, where it began...”

With Void Heart: “That pulsing emptiness... Truly, it has been transformed by the revelations it found. Does it... feel anything? Triumph? Or hate? If it does, I cannot sense it. The fate of our Kingdom, our Hallownest... that future belongs to you now.”

I get the impression she’s uncertain on the scope of Ghost’s mental and emotional capabilities and power, except that she does seem to think that they are empty enough. She considers them untarnished by whatever idea was instilled in the Hollow Knight. However…she does wonder, if they have the Kingsoul charm, if they are something more. And with Void Heart, she considers them transformed. Into what? I don’t know, but someone who can decide the future, more than just one to be ordered to replace the Hollow Knight.

Hornet, too, speaks similarly of their potential. Some quotes:

Before second fight: “Show me you can accept this Kingdom's past and claim responsibility for its future.”

After: “You could do it, if you had the will. But could you raise your nail once knowing its tragic conception? And knowing yourself?... Then do it, Ghost of Hallownest! Head onward. Burn that mark upon your shell and claim yourself as King.”

Upon getting shade cloak: “Though our strength is born of similar source, that part of you, that crucial emptiness, I do not share. Funny then, that such darkness gives me hope. Within it, I see the chance of change. A difficult journey you would face, but a choice it can create. Prolong our world's stasis or face the heart of its infection.”

Dreamnail from the same part: “...It faced the void, and ascends unscathed... Could it unite such vast darkness?..”

At the Black Egg: “Ghost of Hallownest, you possess the strength to enact an end of your choosing. Would you supplant our birth-cursed sibling, or would you transcend it?”

She changes from speaking about Ghost having to follow a single path to trying to guide them on a path towards greater strength and choice. She speaks less about their emotion than the White Lady, though this may be due to her personality and her high focus on taking action. Both continue to use it/its for Ghost even as their views shift. Whether they ascribe higher personhood to Ghost, changing their views, or only consider them more capable but still mentally the same is hard to say. I would say that the White Lady has a more noticeable shift in that she asks if they are more than a vessel. Regardless, she still uses it/its. Hornet is harder to say due to less focus on emotions, but she does shift from calling them “ghost” in lowercase to instead saying “Ghost of Hallownest” like a full on title, which I would say denotes some respect and attachment to them specifically (over other vessels that she has seen try to come). She still uses it/its the whole time.

Lastly of those who address Ghost in the third person, Steel Soul Jinn. She calls them “It”, capitalized:

With King’s Brand: “...A King, the tiny It becomes.”

With Void Heart: “This It... A rare It. Has not seen many, so vulnerable, but triumphant.”

She seems to treat it more like a noun than a pronoun. She doesn’t use “you” at all. She doesn’t even use personal pronouns for herself, instead using her own name or “it”, lowercase (one usage of “mine” though). The developers do say outside of the game that she is female though.

Jinn is odd in her pronoun use. If she’s dehumanizing Ghost, she’s dehumanizing herself too, which she very well may be. I don’t find it very certain though. She’s quite mysterious in her background.

Of course, the grand majority of characters just address them normally, in second person. Most just treat them like a person. Many don’t know anything about Ghost or their nature/origin, just whatever they see from their interactions with them. They all will refer to Ghost with it/its if they use any pronoun (besides the one exception, which I’ll get to).

I looked through the dialog, keeping an eye out for how character perceptions might influence pronoun use. I got the impression that many of them are projecting onto Ghost, or otherwise just speaking to them as they would any random person. For example, Leg Eater calls them many things—nasty, greedy, nice, idiot, jealous, curious, scared—depending on his mood and how much they’ll pay him geo. Millibelle calls them “dearie” and things like “smart” as she tries to sweet talk them, though uses “creepy little thing” in her dreamnail dialog after she’s been found out. When dreamnailing Tiso: “This little squib clearly fears me. I'd kill it right here, but it'd be too pitiful an end.” I dunno about you, but I’m dubious if fear is what Ghost is feeling XD

In other words, these are examples that seem more to do with the personality of the speaker than Ghost themself. But those are characters who mostly have more limited, less personal interaction with Ghost. I had to wonder if those with a bit more investment in them would speak any differently.

Mato, Oro, and Sheo all train Ghost, as well as make observations about them. Mato is of course quite enthusiastic and makes dramatic/romanticized declarations. He says he could “sense the aura of a fierce warrior approaching” and that he could see in their eyes that they were ready to learn. After teaching, he says “I felt a bond between us suddenly flash into existence!” and considers them his child. Oro says Mato has “strange notions of loyalty and honour” though. Sheo just thinks Mato enthusiastic and kind. Sheo himself does also infer things from how Ghost looks. He says he could sense they weren’t that interested in his personal tale from when you first meet him (talking about leaving the nail for art), and if you talk to him after first refusing to learn: “Something about your bearing... I feel as though you haven't yet abandoned the way of the nail.”

None of the brothers use any third person pronouns for Ghost, only second person. But at this point I was wondering what, if anything, characters would infer by looking at Ghost. Things that might be picked up by other characters more than just projecting.

Some characters do specifically say they’re blank in some way. The White Lady wonders at their emotions while saying that she cannot tell (whether or not her blindness has to do with it who knows). Snail Shaman says they have a strange empty face, but at the same time ascribes several emotions and other qualities to them. Being ones like “grim” and “charming”, alongside saying things like “a nasty little spell of my own creation. It's just perfect for a little one like you!”, I wonder if, given his personality, even if he does think them empty in some capacity, he is also willing to project his own qualities/likes onto them. Jinn is very interesting in this capacity. She says: “Observed... Small. Dull. No Soul. Long shadow... It is blank, but brave...” She immediately senses much about their nature, but still ascribes the quality of “brave” to them without particularly having a reason to.

Snail Shaman and Jinn, I’m not sure how much they know about their nature. Snail Shaman seems to know about void anyway. Jinn perhaps, especially since she knows Confessor Jiji who works with shades. But other characters definitely don’t know Ghost’s nature while also spending a more extended time with them.

The Old Stag only uses second person the whole time, though he does call them “little one”, and enjoys speaking with them. By the end, when Ghost has found the hatched stag egg, he calls them a companion and wishes to spend more time together in the stagways. I would say he considers Ghost a friend and capable of enjoying the wonders of Hallownest.

Cloth immediately is ready to call Ghost a friend, and finds in them similarity as adventurers. Also calls them warrior, valiant, and always, tiny. She comes to have clear admiration for them, and wants to be able to swap stories. In her dreamnail dialog after Ghost saves her, she refers to them with it/its: “Such luck! This tiny one appears at just the right moment. And what masterful skill it shows! As a warrior it sets powerful precedent. I'd do well to learn from its form.”

Elderbug is friendly and likes to be helpful with wisdom and information. He knows they don’t speak back, but he likes their company just the same. He brightens up considerably if they give him a delicate flower. Whereas other times he calls them a traveler, he calls them a friend at that time. While we never learn what pronouns he would use for Ghost, he does relay Bretta telling him about her rescuer:

“Seems to think very highly of her rescuer, some sort of dashing, warrior type. Barely stopped gushing since she got back. The warrior must have passed down below whilst I was taking my nap. Such a shame. I'd have loved to meet so impressive a bug.”

No pronouns used for this rescuer whatsoever, though Bretta still gets she/her. Bretta’s self-insert fanfiction has the same pronoun dodging:

First: “Doomed she thought herself and to despair she fell, until a light bloomed far in the distance, a bright, glowing spot fast approaching. It swept majestic about the thorns, leapt above burning waters and dove towards the maiden. Coming close, the form revealed at last, a beautiful being, sharp horns gleaming white. Arms reached out for the damsel, gathering her up, grip firm...”

Second: “And suddenly, as though her tragic state was sensed, the saviour returned, standing tall, glowing bright. Below shining horns, eyes welled black, glistening, eyes only for the maiden long missed, long desired. Her saviour leaned close, sat beside, perfectly composed. In that charged, breathless moment not a word needed be spoken. The maiden's shell felt suddenly tight. Her claws curled. No glance was shared, no claws touched, just perfect, aching love shared in silence, together...”

Third: “She knew the presence at her bed, knew the calm only they could bring. Her white saviour, now protector, standing tall beside, powerful, perfect...”

Fourth: “Startling warning he brought to the village, one that rung so true: Their white saviour, thought a hero by the bugs, was a vicious beast and this shrouded grey prince was in truth the hero deserved.”

Last: “Her Grey Prince diminished and her White Saviour revealed as beast, the Maiden at last understood the truth.”

Note in the third entry the only use of singular they/them in the entire game :O Even so…

Throughout her entries, Bretta uses pronouns for herself, Zote, and in one instance, Ghost. However, most of the references to Ghost are worded in such a way as to exclude pronouns. The first entry has a use of it, where it says “It swept majestic about the thorns”, but at this point they’re described as a “glowing spot” before they’re revealed as a person. Bretta’s direct dialog and dreamnail dialog to Ghost do not use third person pronouns for them.

In the game, Bretta goes from infatuation towards Ghost to something more negative or uncaring. Beyond her initial encounter, she does not speak to them directly, leaving us just her diary entries. Interestingly enough, the developers left notes for themselves in the code about various aspects of the game, including the diary entries:

“To obscure the knight's gender in this instance, White Prince should probably be replaced with White Saviour.”

There’s another note too which says: “the hollow knights have no gender. Check for hims and hes.”

I find it quite interesting that it’s not just that they want to make sure that the vessels are not spoken of in a gendered fashion, they also mention obscuring their gender. Why obscure it?

The vessels don’t have gender. It’s a plot point relating to their nature as beings of void. It’s possible Team Cherry wanted to leave the subject more vague in many parts of the game so that it could be unveiled at the proper time.

I got to thinking though, with this avoidance of pronouns by Elderbug and Bretta. Sometimes they just restructure sentences to avoid pronouns, but other times they use alternate words in place of pronouns. Descriptors and titles. As it turns out, quite a few characters give Ghost nicknames, titles, or use some other word to refer to them. Friend, traveler, squib, pale thing, Ghost of Hallownest, little lovely, cringer. All in place of a name they cannot give out, I suppose.

I’ll be coming back to this later, for other characters. The subject of names and titles being used in place of or alongside pronouns.

A few random points left for Ghost: The Radiance can be, through Myla’s dreamnail dialog, found to refer to them with it/its: “... how much longer... KILL IT... how much longer... DANGEROUS... how much longer... KILL IT... how much longer... KILL THE EMPTY ONE...”

Quirrel uses it/its for Ghost, in Deepnest dreamnail dialog. He clearly is fond of them as a fellow explorer and calls them friend. His situation is a bit complex due to memory shenanigans so I guess I didn’t get around to it when I set down to analyze for Ghost, but I’d be sad if I didn’t mention him at all.

Also the mantises (the non-infected ones), will refer to Ghost with it/its in their dreamnail dialog both before and after they defeat the Mantis Lords.

Anyway, after so many examples for Ghost, I was thinking...I no longer thought the use of it/its for them is really indicative of dehumanization. Though some characters do clearly and truly dehumanize them, the vast variety of ways characters regard them while still using it/its does not seem to show that that particular use of the pronoun is the primary reason for its use. So again, though they do face dehumanization, I think it’s easier to analyze how they’re dehumanized through other means than their pronouns. There are still other possibilities by what characters want to convey through use of that pronoun though.

General Characters

Next, I looked at which pronouns are used for general NPCs.

Generally, I found characters will readily use he/him or she/her to refer to others. Cornifer and Iselda both speak about each other a lot with their pronouns. Cornifer too speaks of several other characters. Elderbug speaks of the town’s inhabitants.

Lemm uses he/him for the Nailsmith and the Pale King, while using it/its for both Ghost and the Hollow Knight. Granted, in Hollow’s case, he has the fountain plaque to go off of for that pronoun.

The White Lady uses she/her for both Hornet and Dryya. She also speaks to Ogrim (thinking he’s there when you wear Defender’s Crest), using only second person “you”, which is more than you can say for when she alternates between second and third person when it comes to Ghost.

Godseeker refers to the White Lady with she/her. She also, while worshipping them as a god, uses it/its for the Pure Vessel: “Though its worldly body be bound and defiled, the glory of its pure form endures, ruler of this pantheon.” More on Godseeker later though (much more oh gosh).

I found a couple pronoun uses I didn’t expect:

Lumafly Lantern description: “Take this bright little fellow as your companion and he'll light your way through the thickest darkness.”

Tiso, remarking on stagways: “A real warrior carries himself to combat.”

These are the only uses in game I can find of generic third person pronouns that aren’t it/its. Though in Tiso’s case, he considers himself a real warrior, and thus the pronoun may be due to using himself as a model for that. For Sly’s description of the lumafly, who knows, I doubt its gender matters, but maybe he does know how to figure it out for the tiny bug in there.

Either way, I’m not sure it’s too important. The usage of it/its in the game seems so ubiquitous it vastly outstrips these possible generic uses of he/him.

One interesting case is Ze’mer speaking of her love. Of course Ze’mer in general speaks oddly, pronouns being no exception. But in addition to her unique pronouns, she does use standard pronouns as well:

“Buried, moina? Ai. Amongst its hateful kin that did deny our union, that did reject che's... outside-ness.”

“She rests amongst her kind near our Queen's lush refuge.”

She uses she/her for her love, and in one instance it/its. This is the only instance I’ve found of a character having two different pronoun used for them coming from a single person. Does this mean Traitor Lord’s daughter was nonbinary and used multiple pronouns? Did Ze’mer want to use a pronoun that didn’t specify gender in that one instance? Hard to say, but the possibilities are interesting.

So generally, it seems characters are well versed in using she/her and he/him, and will use those pronouns readily. Characters do not, in almost all cases, have some refer to them with one pronoun and others refer to them with another pronoun, though there are exceptions. I am guessing from this that male and female genders are well established in society. Nonbinary genders I’m less certain. There are a few candidates where there is evidence that could very well indicate they are nonbinary. The most prominent and unambiguous nonbinary characters though are Ghost and the Hollow Knight, and they are already unusual for others reasons that could impact pronoun use. It can at least be shown that characters who are willing to use he/him and she/her for some people will also use it/its for Ghost and/or the Hollow Knight. And Ze’mer, though odd in speech, is perfectly fine using it/its for the love of her life.

Specific Characters

Next there were a few characters that stood out to me for special analysis.

(Okay it’s just two, used to have the Pale King here but his case got too long)

First, Grimmchild, whose case alongside Cloth was noticeable enough to me to have sparked my whole investigation. Grimm and the White Lady are the only characters to refer to Grimmchild with pronouns, both using it/its:

First meeting with Grimm: “My child shall guide you to the flame and gather within itself that burning essence. Like you, the child plays key role in this task. Only with it by your side will the flame, and my kin, reveal themselves to you.”

White Lady, Grimmchild equipped: “Ahh, that creature beside. It would be naive to claim it friend, though you two share a... similarity? It is a distant link, one words would strain to convey. For it to cling to you now... You've been consumed in the Ritual of that scarlet clan.”

White Lady, ritual complete: “Your companion's eyes burn with a familiar flame... Success then for the scarlet heart, and irony, to use my spawn to grow its own. I know you creature, and the form time shall bring. You may be all and one, clan and master, but this land shall never bear so foreign a king.”

The White Lady does not seem fond of this child. Grimm, however, does. His whole thing is “burn the father, feed the child”…the child is the focus of the ritual. It may be that they are called “it” as some will call babies in real life, though typically one does not do so for their own baby. Even so…

After the first round of flames: “The child has grown, from idle youth to deadly companion. About these dangerous lands, its aid will no doubt be welcome.”

Grimmchild grows, and Grimm perhaps would no longer consider them a baby. The only change that does happen during this growth is he switches from saying “my child” in the beginning to “our child” after Ghost first fights him.

The exact meaning of this is difficult to say. The lore around Grimm and the Troupe is…complicated, perhaps some of the messiest lore in the whole game, with so so many interpretations. Even starting to speculate on it I feel like I’d be here all day, so I’m leaving it alone.

Next, Hornet. She is called the Gendered Child:

Midwife, with King’s Brand: “My good friend. You wear that bright mark of relationship. Then you've met her perhaps? Her who'd guard the mark, the Gendered Child. A spritely thing, isn't she? Pale gift to the Nest and the Beast, and fair trade for sacrifice made.”

The White Lady, with King’s Brand: “It faced the Gendered Child? She's a fierce foe, strong in mind and body, striking reflection of her mother, though the two were permitted little time together. I never begrudged the Wyrm's dalliance as bargain. In fact, I feel some affection for the creature birthed.”

Why this name? There is not much reason to highlight that she has gender, except I think to contrast her with others considered to be without it. Indeed, this topic has already been discussed quite a bit in the fandom. From developer notes found within the game files, under “Gender notes”:

the hollow knights have no gender. Check for hims and hes. Is the Wyrm King gendered? probably. or is it that when the wyrm took king form it gained a gender?Hornet is the Gendered Child. She can be referred to as female.

Hornet having gender is considered of note. And she’s listed right alongside other characters, contrasting her. She is allowed to be referred to with gender, where others are not.

(Of course, these developer notes…they’re not entirely canon per se, as you can see not even entirely certain how they want to proceed with lore. But still)

It’s easier to compare her to her siblings, I think. They are not considered to have gender. What does this mean? I’m sure there are many many possibilities, but my take: I am assuming the game is not distinguishing between biological sex and gender identity here. It may say something about their bodies that Hornet can be considered gendered and the vessels are not. At the same time, the vessels are considered by others to be without will or mind, and I’m sure gender identity would be included. I’m not sure if that’s the reason as much though, because the vessels would be considered incapable of expressing anything about their identities, whether gender or anything else, and I’m not sure why highlight gender out of all those. On top of that, “the Gendered Child” seems like a name you’d decide to call a child around when they’re born, before a kid would be capable of developing their own identity.

One might also compare Hornet to her father. He’s in the dev notes too (analysis on him momentarily). But if she was to be called the Gendered Child in comparison to him, what about her mother? Herrah is spoken of by others with she/her, and there’s no particular reason to believe she would not have gender. I would find it strange for Midwife to prioritize Hornet being compared to her father over her mother.

If I was to answer the “why” of this name of hers here as far as “by what cause”, that being to contrast her with her siblings, I also am asking “why” as far as “for what purpose”. She has gender, where her siblings do not. It could just be that—something that makes her unique among the children. I do wonder though, if having gender is something considered important or notable in society. …again, more on this when I get to the Pale King.

Higher Beings

Next, the use of pronouns for higher beings. Annnnd a deep dive into the whole theology of Hallownest

I. I just wanted to analyze the Pale King, I swear XD;;;;; But it got weird, and this became the longest part of the whole investigation.

The Pale King has two pronouns used for him: he/him, and it/its. He/him is predominant, but there are a couple instances of it/its when talking of him as a wyrm:

Fungal Wastes Lore: “Warily shall we accept the will of the Wyrm. Its prescience shields us.”

Bardoon: “This ashen place is grave of Wyrm. Once told, it came to die. But what is death for that ancient being? More transformation methinks. This failed kingdom is product of the being spawned from that event.”

I found the Pale King is not the only one though:

Dreamnail of Quirrel at Lake of Unn: “That lake... a revered presence once slept deep within... Did it? What would make me think such things?

Greenpath lore, about the White Lady: “Though once our lands, a pale being lays claim to the caverns ahead. It may appear benevolent but it does not share our dream.”

The White Lady, about the Nightmare Heart: “Success then for the scarlet heart, and irony, to use my spawn to grow its own.”

Bardoon: “I resist the light's allure. Union it may offer, but also a mind bereft of thought...”

Bardoon, concerning Void Heart: “It evolves beyond that Wyrm. Such union in a single being. A strength before unseen. Would it too challenge nature? It could perhaps defeat it.”

Seer: “The folk of my tribe were born from a light. Light similar to Essence, similar to that powerful blade, though much brighter still. They were content to bask in that light and honoured it... for a time. But another light appeared in our world... A wyrm that took the form of a king. How fickle my ancestors must have been. They forsook the light that spawned them. Turned their backs to it... Forgot it even. […] Aahh... I'm sorry... Light... Radiance... I... remember you.”

These cases are pretty varied, from positive to negative tone. Clearly whoever wrote the message in Greenpath does not like the intrusion of the White Lady. And the White Lady in turn does not care for the Grimm Troupe. The Nightmare Heart which she refers to with it/its…well, again Grimm lore is weird so I won’t say too much, except to say that the White Lady considers the Heart to have Grimmchild as spawn.

As for Bardoon, I thought at first that he might not know exactly what this light is beyond that it calls to him in dream. But the way he speaks of challenging “nature”, where he implies Ghost could succeed where the Pale King had failed, suggests to me that he knows a bit more of the nature of the infection, the efforts to contain it, and how it might be defeated. And that he’s content to use these words “light” and “nature” and use it/its with those words, whether by nature of it/its being good for nouns, or that that’s what he thinks is appropriate for the Radiance.

Quirrel speaks of a “presence” which, as a noun, could be used with “it”, but it’s a clear allusion to Unn. He seems to approach the subject with the same curiosity (and confusion over memories) as everything else, wondering at the temple he finds himself in.

The Seer, too, is bit indirect in her reference to the Radiance for most of what she says there. She knows this light she speaks of is a person, a god, and is implying as much, and in the end using the name of this light. Even as she’s taking actions that would ultimately go against the Radiance, she is regretful in what happened to that god, and her words tend towards the positive while using it/its.

I had wondered if perhaps the Seer and Bardoon were avoiding speaking her name on purpose (though of course the Seer does at the end). Even so “the Radiance” is still a title. More of a true name than just “light” I suppose. Still, many characters in Hollow Knight have titles in place of names: The Pale King (or [the] Wyrm), The White Lady (or Root), the Hollow Knight (or Pure Vessel), the Knight (or Ghost [of Hallownest]) (or their billion nicknames). Some do have names though like Unn or Grimm, and they are gods.

I got to thinking about the power of names, titles, and pronouns in relation to identity. Most of the time, the Pale King is spoken of with he/him. He is spoken of as both King and also Wyrm (same for the White Lady being both Queen and Root), and I wondered what might guide the use of one word over another, and how that might affect what pronouns are used. Looking at the developer notes again:

Is the Wyrm King gendered? probably. or is it that when the wyrm took king form it gained a gender?

This kept sticking with me. I ended up wondering if references to him as “king” serve to emphasize this more worldly body that fits into bug society more, even if still greatly powerful. And these instances always get he/him. Where in contrast if he was to be emphasized as something more…mmmm.

I searched through game text for references to the Pale King and the White Lady (though the Pale King is referenced more, so I give him more focus here), paying attention to which name/title they are referred to by.

Cornifer speaks of the Queen with she/her, and Lemm speaks of the king with he/him. Though both would’ve come to the kingdom later, post-collapse. The Hunter’s status as a native of Hallownest or elsewhere is ambiguous, though he seems to know much about the civilization pre-collapse, and he only speaks of the Pale King in his current form, with he/him. Ogrim and the Old Stag speak of the King with he/him.

I’ve found most of the citizens speak about the King, rather than Wyrm. Especially if it comes down to those closest to him. The Royal Retainers lives revolve around him. The city’s inhabitants and others who you might call “standard Hallownest bugs” speak of their king. Lurien and Quirrel as well. Getting farther away, the parts of Hallownest that the Pale King claims (or tries to claim) but whose inhabitants maintain distinct identities…you get these more different references.

The mushroom clan, Mister Mushroom, Grimm, Mask Maker, and Bardoon all use “wyrm” or “root” rather than “king” or “queen” (and of course, let’s not forget Grimm’s one use of “worm” XD). The mosskin and Hive Queen Vespa also reference “pale beings”. The Seer makes reference to both king and wyrm. These are all people who are less associated with the core of the kingdom, or are not part of the kingdom at all.

We get a couple examples from the mouths of Wyrm and Root themselves:

Ancient Basin fountain: “Let Hallownest's Pale King relieve you of your burden.”

Throne room hidden lore tablet: "The Wyrm becomes beacon, minds expanded, to yield, to devote.”

The Pale King, when picking up the white fragment: “...Soul of Wyrm. Soul of Root. Heart of Void...”

Lore tablet in King’s Pass: "Higher beings, these words are for you alone. Beyond this point you enter the land of King and Creator. Step across this threshold and obey our laws."

The White Lady: “I never begrudged the Wyrm's dalliance as bargain.”

The White Lady, when Ghost wears Kingsoul: “I almost feel like I'm once again in the presence of my beloved Wyrm.”

We have a couple examples of the Pale King using “King” for himself, in these writings meant for others in his capacity as ruler. Then we have a couple examples of him using Wyrm for himself. Both of those times do have to do with him in the capacity of god. However, the examples from the White Lady are more in the context of interpersonal relationship, and she refers to her husband as Wyrm. It’s unknown what pronouns she might prefer for him.

It makes me wonder if the Pale King maintains dual identities, one as ungendered Wyrm, the other as the Pale King, male. Of course, he was in wyrm form first, and later changed his body to his current form, and became king. Did he gain a gender in this form? Does he have an attachment to gender? Does gender perform some function to him that he finds useful? Did he always want to be male but didn’t claim that identity until he changed his body?

Godseeker has several interesting quotes:

About the Pale King: “Even long departed, We feel the afterglow of the God-power that sat this throne... It lays heavy upon this kingdom. That lingering power alone was beacon enough to draw Us to Hallownest. How bright it must have been to mortal bug stood before it.”

dreamnail: “God-king, you reduced your form to match Our meagre shells... But why shed so majestic a whole? Surely, your true immensity could have inspired devotion all the more!”

About the White Lady: “We live only to serve the gods, to seek them out. Why does she frustrate Us? How does she hide from Us? Does she diminish herself by choice?”

Godseeker prizes size and power. She is frustrated and baffled that the White Lady would purposefully make herself diminished (in power I think, rather than physical size). And for the Pale King, she too does not understand why he would make himself smaller (this time physical). She has a particular image of how the gods should function which he was violating. Even if she thought it was worse for devotion, the Pale King still expected it in his small form as he mentions bugs’ minds expanded “to yield, to devote”. But the thought of him changing his form in order to better match the bugs around him is an interesting idea.

Could the Pale King have considered gender something to better be like a bug? Something common in bug experience? Something he could take on to, perhaps, more easily match bug society?

There’s nothing to say for certain that all of this happened at the same time—the changing of his body, taking on the role of king, and taking on gender. Or even that he had to take on gender at some point, as the dev notes aren’t making a definitive determination. But mentions of these different aspects do seem to be linked, and it at least to me paints the more interesting and meaningful picture to consider gender, body, and assumed role/identity as linked together.

The Pale King calls himself King and Creator of the land. Again, as Bardoon says of his transformation, “This failed kingdom is product of the being spawned from that event.” His position as king, the only king Hallownest has known (as it has been known as the kingdom of Hallownest, anyway), is tied to the existence of the kingdom itself, its very name made a sacred one. And at the same time more privately he seems to maintain identity as Wyrm, as referred to by his wife, and himself in contexts that aren’t meant for the general kingdom.

And yet Ghost may be said to have “evolve[ed] beyond the wyrm”–

–Ahem. I get carried away, far beyond the subject of pronouns (I say, willingly having waded chin-deep in the waters of theory just barely above water). The extended theology should probably be left for another time, even if it still has pronoun implications.

Continuing on, with the Radiance. She barely has any dialog, but I find the few examples interesting:

Statue of the Radiance, dreamnailed: "...Remember... Light..."

Radiance dreamnail: “...DAWN WILL BREAK... / ...THE LIGHT CANNOT BE CONSUMED...”

The Radiance is referring to herself in these indirect terms. “Light”, and perhaps “Dawn”, descriptive words to refer to her by that can be used as titles. Just as her name “the Radiance” isn’t really a name but a title.

This is, as I’m sure you can see with all the previous mentions, a recurring theme. This is the most explicit instance I think of someone referring to themself with such indirect terms though. Though the Pale King may use “Pale King” and “Wyrm” for himself, those still are…official titles that are something closer to names. More than the Radiance referring to herself as light or dawn. Though still possible those were well-established titles for her long ago, before she was forgotten.

One last example…the void itself:

VOID, yours is the power opposed. But yours is potential, eternity potential, force that could deny Time. VOID, harness shall be placed upon you.

I just find it interesting that the king would address it in second person, something some other characters like the White Lady struggle to do when speaking to Ghost in person. The Radiance calls Ghost her “ancient enemy” as well. Ghost comes to be known as “void given form” or “void given focus” (depending on ending), or the Lord of Shades, unifying the void. I have seen speculation on such a being having previously existed, which the Radiance would’ve had contact with. Regardless, I find it interesting in terms of being anthropomorphized, not as a being made of void as the one addressed, but the void itself.

Bringing this all together, I was wondering if the various gods consider themselves to some degree abstractions of concepts. Or otherwise anthropomorphized manifestations of the force of energy that makes them up. They may feel quite distant from normal bugs and their concepts of gender. Still, I’m not sure everyone has the same kind of relationship with gender as the Pale King. There’s no reason to suspect it for, say, Unn, though we do know very little about her. Also, it seems that wyrms are this whole species out there. I don’t expect they would’ve had asexual reproduction. If true, my thought of “anthropomorphized manifestations” doesn’t make as much sense. The thought of an entire species, even if quite powerful, seems a bit more down to earth. Mm, there’s the question on whether the Pale King had to specifically ascend to godhood, but- well, again, this is getting a bit too deep XD; I am thinking that, it’s possible the Pale King had a physical sex of some kind as a wyrm, but did not feel the need for gender. He, I presume, got to choose the kind of body (and sex) that he would have when he changed forms. Though more than his body, him deciding to take on a gender I find the more interesting aspect, as a choice he could’ve made in his large wyrm body but seemingly did not.