#i just am in PAIN all the TIME and my quad lag is back. WHY IS MY QUAD LAG BACK

[fingertipsmp3]

Whyyyyyy is my quad lag back

[charles-bee-blog]

Broken

Broken “Memoir”

​I laid here; drunk off the substance that cleans our wounds . Drowning in the the intoxicating liquid that bubbles in my stomach. Mesmerized by the familiar thoughts of those beautiful women. Reminiscing on the previous parties as if I was still there dancing; swaying to the beat . I struggled to hold my eyes up; sleepiness began to weigh them down. I fought against my exhaustion ...holding up the curtains before they ended the show. This past year ; has probably been the toughest year of my life. Scholarship that brought me to this small town; Football which kept me in this small town; Being broken which won’t let me leave this small town. I never felt so weak in my entire life; to think that one injury; could cause some much damage .

​September 11th; a date that we will remember for a lifetime. A date that I’ll remember for my lifetime. September 11th was my first initial surgery; I tore my ACL & LCL & MCL ; the procedure was to take one of my quad muscles , to repair my ACL. And the rest will heal on it’s on. To think that this was only the beginning when I thought it was close to the end.

Broken is something I never expected to be. As broken as my body was; so was my mind. The pain that I went through collided with my mind.Breaking small pieces of it until it shattered. To think that I have broken my ribs; fingers, and ankle ; and yet I have never felt a pain like this. It felt as if they were sawing my leg off from the knee down; it made me realize what pain really was. Soon the pain would earn its respect.

​My knee ached with discomfort, i took an interest in the pain, even though i hated it; i loved it. I began to think of that moment when it happened, I mirrored the offensive player as if he were my twin except I did it backwards. He gave me a move on the line freeing up his left side , based on his movements towards the right I knew where he'd end up. So I fed into his moves, i baited him as if he were the fish biting at the line when i fished. I went inside giving him the outside release.

Allowing him only two decisions. The short route which was the bait, if he released the ball it was mine; or the deeper route which i thought would be his choice. Based on the depth of his release, the deeper route was coming. Because of my speed, I lagged a bit waiting on him to make his break. Waiting for the fish to turn that innocent nibble into a bite. Impatient as usual I began to cut a bit earl; our feet got tangled and I felt my leg give out; At that moment I knew it was over.

I collapsed on the ground tripping the receiver up as well, I began to tumble as my momentum carried me. Without looking I reached for my knee feeling the pain through my body as if it my knee was on fire, I grasped my leg trying to put out those imaginary flames that seemed to burn my career into ashes, i had to fight against the pain; at least trying to reach for the rope as i began to sink deeper and deeper into the darkness. And now I stared at the ceiling, disappointed, abandoned, broken. I played that moment back in my head , over and over again, reliving the same pain , again and again and again as the moment replayed constantly.

Feeling the tears build up underneath my eyes , feeling the air leave my lungs. Regret at this moment, began to constrict me. I watched as the snake of regret slithered all around my body, wrapping me up in some sort of coil as it began to squeeze me to death. Thinking what I could of done differently, thinking if I should of lined up ? Thinking if I should of took the plays off? But for my resolution, I have to realize the truth and also accept it.

I am injured, an injury that could possible cost me my life, a injury that could leave me crippled, an injury that ill never heal from. After going through my 3rd surgery I have to start my recovery process mentally before I can heal physically. I can't blame myself but i have to I blame myself, if I knew I was the best why would I still accept challengers? Because I am a warrior , its in my blood, generation after generation from the warriors of Mali to the hunters of the Iroquois tribe, I must prove myself to countless enemies , even If I know I am better, I must prove myself. But why? Why must I prove myself if I already had?

My injury made me handicap; it left me wounded; it left me afraid. Fear to me was something I never acknowledged. It was something that couldn’t control me; it was something that was tamed; and now it has been unleashed. And with that fear consuming every part of my body, sucking the life and the courage out of me like a vampire; my strength began to diminish as well as my courage. I use to believe fear didn’t exist; I use to believe fear was something imaginary; something delusional.

The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity; Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice.Fear is a choice while danger is the reality of a certain situation which means we cannot control the level of danger in a situation, but we can choose to feel afraid or chose not to let fear limit our ability to try something new, create or dream from coming true but with practice we can overcome our fear of scary situations.​

​As the fear took a hold of my body; and began to feed. I began to lose myself; I began to question my choices; question myself ; and also question my future . I accepted the negativity ; I accepted the grief, I accepted the sympathy. Everyone is on a road of difficulties and trials. We face these trials everyday sometimes we work hard to resolve them.

On the other hand sometimes people will be afraid of the problems that come their way. We sometimes will try to escape it but it will be their eating at our lives and our minds. Until one day we decide to take action, the time we decide to mend the problem is the day we can change and rid the problem from our lives for good.

​Nonetheless if we do not bring forth courage and put forth the chance to mend our problems we might become penetrated with fear. Fear can pervade our lives and we might get stuck, never progressing forward, never solving the problem. Stuck i was; it was as if i were standing in a sand pit, slowly descending into the desert before i suffocated;

it was as if i were free climbing Mount Everest, taking each step carefully, until i grab a piece of Everest that was out of place. Before i knew it, i was free falling, feeling the air crash against my face until it was all over. Surgery after surgery, exercise after exercise , anesthesia after anesthesia, stitch after stitch, pill after pill, limp after limp.

Fear has made me weak; made my mind weak. Fear that I would be crippled for life; a fear that I would never be able to do what I love. Now this love factor; it was more than just football. It was life it self, it was hiking, it was cliff diving, it was scuba diving , it was running. I felt as if I have been caged; I felt like I have had shackles around my ankles;

I felt like that wild horse spending its first night in a stable. Fear has been here for a long time now; eating at my lifeless body like maggots on dead flesh. But I did not die; I held on with each breath like it was my last. I began to fight when there was no fight left; I began to believe when all faith seemed lost. And through my selfless courage, through my determination, through my anger I found my strength.

​I began to believe I can have a life after football; I began to believe I can live again. Imagine this; Superman; man of steel. Imagine him losing his power. Imagine him only being Clark Kent. Superman is what made Clark Kent unique. Clark Kent would just be a regular clumsy reporter. That is who I became. Someone that was powerless; Someone that is weak.

That was the food chain; a predator hunts the prey ; and I have become the prey.Refusal is a must; prey I would not be; Hunted, I will not. I began to gain my strength back. Minute after minute , Hour after hour, Day after day. I began to believe in myself again , I began to earn my courage back. Each step that i took, it began to grow stronger . Fear’s grasp over me seemed to loosen and I didn’t seem that broken anymore.

​Now that I have gained my strength back; now that I have conquered fear. Now that I have fought my way through hell; alone. I am no longer Clark Kent; but Superman. I could only reflect on my old wounds. Rubbing the scars that were left from the scalpel the doctor used. Feeling the new muscle forming around my knee. Grateful for the power that surged through my body. The power that ignited my spirit. Grateful to be able to live again; to be able to be more than just Clark Kent.

​I glanced in the future ; excited for this upcoming season; excited as my training went to another level . As my rehab became more and more relaxing and less painful. As my strength became to guide me instead of hide from me. When I only accept; and never regret. I began to see the light; I began to feel alive in the coffin I rested in. The coffin that hid me from my strength ;

From my courage . I could of gave up; I could of closed my eyes and let my life slip away. The mind ; recontructed the body. Without a strong mind ; a broken body won’t be able to recover . It won’t see through the delusion of fear. It will be consumed by it , devoured until there is nothing left. Now that I’ve gain my strength back, I feel invincible. I feel as if this was a test; this was an obstacle I had to overcome in order to be great. It was a trial I had to complete, a lesson I had to learn.

-Charles

[engineeredtowar]

Week in review 4/2-4/8

Really long post, so here are the quick stats:

Runs: 2/3

Recovery/stretch days: 4/3

Strength training: 4/6

So its been a long week. Did the final day of week 4 couch to 5k. My calves were screaming after. I took 3 days of recovery after, then restarted week 4. I really didn't have a single great run in week 4, so it needs to be repeated. 

I restarted the week 4 runs yesterday. Day 1 still didn't go well, but my calves aren’t screaming. My left ankle got painful towards the end of the last bit of run causing me to have to jog, break, jog, break jog for the last 5 minute run(paused on the breaks), and my breathing just wasn’t up to par. It was a major disappointment, but its to be expected. I am not a runner. So I know my form is off.I think Week 4 is a good place to stay until I can get form under control. Long enough runs to tell if something is off, but not so harsh so that there is no way I can maintain form the entire time once it is right. 

I skipped my leg days this week. With my calves being so inflamed I didn't think it best to do them. I know it is a cardinal sin, but I think it will keep me healthy for the time being. That being said, I know I need to work on my glutes/quads. I think not keeping my hips “forward and down” is an issue in my running form. So I’m working against myself and having to compensate with foot placement that isn't conducive to good form. 

I was sitting today, and I was messing with my calves. I know i have calf issues. obviously. But as I was rubbing them, I found a spot that makes the connection between my glutes, and my hamstrings ache something fierce. So I think my calves are contributing to my leg issues in more than 1 way. So my recovery/stretching this next week is going to focus on ankle mobility/calf release. 

Positives for the week:

1.  My back and Biceps(pull) workouts are feeling great. My lower back is still weak/tender, but I really feel like I’m starting to get my muscle/mind connection back. 

2. I ordered a new fitness watch! Saturday, I ordered a Certified Refurbished Garmin Fenix 3 HR with a 3 year warranty. I hoping that the metrics that it can provide will help me get my running form under control and that it will help keep me motivated. 

3. I decided on a protein powder! now I just have to wait on a decent sale. 

4. I’ve been waking up on time almost all week. 

Cons for the week:

1. Obviously the missed run and workouts. 

2. I’m not sleeping well. Not sure why. 

3. I’ve been down this week. Some of it is the physical issues. Some is just job search problems. Some is... personal issues. But I’m working through it. 

4. I probably haven’t drank enough water this week. Some days I did really good(yesterday), and some I did really really bad(Wednesday) My diet was..ok? I had some really really god days and bad days. Same as the water. 

5. In addition to my legs being an issue, my chest/shoulders feel like they are lagging behind as usual. 

Thoughts:

I would love to interact with more fitness people. My friends really aren’t workout people. My best friend is overweight, which really worries me. I wish I lived closer to him so I could try to get him to be more healthy/active. So seriously, message me on here. If you’d like my number, just ask. No dick pics I promise...probably just coffee memes. Probably will make a fitness snapchat this week also. I’d love messages, asks, complaints, hatemail...anything. 

Because of my chest/shoulder lag, I’m going to start one of those 100 pushups/day for 30 day challenges. However, I am somewhat tentative to do so, out of fear of over-training. So the plan is to try it out for this week, and make a decision on whether or not to continue on next Sunday. 

I’m going to call around this week to try to find some tires and some old firehose for my workouts. Tires for sledging, and hose for battle ropes. 

Whelp that is it for this week in review, hope everyone has a great next week!

[eulaliasims]

Replies, including a couple I missed before. Sorry, guys! Tumblr doesn’t always notify me, and my email app decided to stop downloading mail. Thanks, Outlook.

@dramallamadingdang, @littleblondesim, @simmingstuff, @didilysims, @lilsisterg, @mswn, and @holleyberry, re: Jack, alien superpowers, and a few other things.

dramallamadingdang replied to your photoset “Apparently Brashen (really???) and Jack were already BFFs, which I...”

What kind of name is "Brashen" for heaven's sake? Geez. But yeah, Family Sims are hell in general. Two of them in one household? Well, you better hope that at least one of their horde of kids is interesting...

A brash and bold one? ;) Three kids at a time in one household is basically my limit before my micromanaging tendencies get overwhelmed, too. Which is why I’m still amazed by your... are you past twenty kids on the Castaways lot yet? I think I lost count. :D I know it’s pretty different from standard TS2, but I probably still would’ve noped out without saving about seventeen babies ago.

dramallamadingdang replied to your photoset “Important updates: Autumn finally achieved her bronze Robotics badge,...”

Yay four years of toy robots! :\ Why, EAxis, why?

Oh man, I should’ve saved all the toy robots. There would’ve been so many. Granted, this is in uni with a shorter semesters mod, but she also started working on it when she was still a teen, soooo....

That’s definitely the most frustrating thing about crafting, though. It takes so long to get the first badge! Am I imagining things, or does it seem like the shop badges (cash register, restocking, etc) take less time to earn?

littleblondesim replied to your photoset “That was kinda boring.” Jack: I can’t believe my plan of acquiring a...”

Jack is such a cutie.

simmingstuff replied to your photoset “That was kinda boring.” Jack: I can’t believe my plan of acquiring a...”

 I'm so in love with her! xD

At least somebody thinks so/is! Now if only I could find a townie other than Brashen who agrees.

didilysims replied to your photoset “Apparently Brashen (really???) and Jack were already BFFs, which I...”

There's always the option to reassign aspiration... And maybe reassign a name too. ;)

But then how will I make fun of Jack’s terrible dating skills? :D

lilsisterg replied to your photoset “Over at the quad, Jack finally found someone receptive to her...”

What's on her face?

Magic freckles! Jack is a witch (I have a default that removes the sparkles good and evil witches trail everywhere, since it lags my computer). What EAxis intended the overlay to actually be, I’m not sure. Magic? Glitter? Both?

mswn replied to your post “@kayleigh-83 replied to your photoset “Can you believe it only took...”

oh the exquisite pain of having 30 pink walls but not being able to find just the *right* pink wall!

I too know this pain. Then you get more walls, but they are never the right pink wall either. The cycle does not end.

dramallamadingdang replied to your post “@dramallamadingdang replied to your post “@simlishnoir replied to...”

I know squat about meshes, I'm afraid, so...not much help. :) It does seem like it's something to do with the shadow. You can try these steps on the shadow subset's TXMT (if it has one):http://hat-plays-sims.dreamwidth.org/6760.html ...but I don't know if that will affect neighborhood view at all. :\

That was one of the tutorials I tried--I had great hopes it would get rid of weird transparent black bits too, but nope. This square is really stubborn. :p I’m gonna try again with a new copy of the mesh and make sure I didn’t miss anything... and probably go back to just trying to ignore the weird square if it doesn’t work, haha.

didilysims replied to your photoset “Mara has been single-handedly feeding this household since they moved...”

Alien superpowers are obviously genetic.

If Mara’s superpower is great cooking and Gaius can levitate plates, I wonder what Gaila and Chiana’s powers are. :O Fingers crossed for more flying.

holleyberry replied to your photoset “More Plasticbox apartments turned into AL-style apartments (rowhouses,...”

Your neighborhood pictures are so inspiring.

lilsisterg replied to your photoset “More Plasticbox apartments turned into AL-style apartments (rowhouses,...”

Looks wonderful!

Thank you both! That’s so sweet. （*´▽｀*）