#i imagine this post would be way more coherent if i had english as my mother tongue and i wasnt emotionally disregulated atm

[tarnussy]

Yapping, mostly personal but fandom related still

Quite the synchronicity from life that both in my previous fandom and this one, I gravitated towards characters who not only went through a gross character assassination by how poorly canon introduces them, but are also treated unfairly by fandom in the worst faith possible to a point where people make a sport of it. They often treat their fans the same way and deem them subhuman because they like a pixel they don't.

Both of these characters require the player to dig a little deeper than the shallow puddle the canon presents at first glance, because it IS there, IN CANON, but not on the surface. And unfortunately most players will not do that with the exception of like 3 lore heads who also have minimal interest in characters like these.

I always thought how it was such an interesting thing to gravitate to traits like that, as in, their main trait being received unfairly by the public while I have childhood flashbacks exactly because of the same reason, and this is possibly the one thing I will not tolerate. When people are treated unfairly, it opens the knife in my pocket; be it real life people or fictional characters. I am even willing to go into whole-ass arguments over it, despite hating fights more than anyone, because both can induce a whole-ass psychological trigger in me that will result in days of dissociation due to some personal long-term events.

Now that I think about it, the very reason I gravitate towards characters like this, is because I can very well relate to being received unfairly for no reason while the public that does this is more hypocritical than anything, and turns out it's not just by accident I stumbled upon them.

[feiandart]

I wanted to answer this in a comment but I noticed I was writing SO MUCH so well, here we go. Nobody wanted my opinion, but I'll give it anyway!

I believe we should make some kind of distinction in this, before anything else. I am pretty new in the fandom but I noticed a big difference between what the show is and what the fandom want the show to be.

If we analyze the show as it is, I am pretty sure both Aziraphale and Crowley might not be interested in sex at all. I do not believe Crowley would be sexually active only because he's a demon, there are a lot of things he doesn't do anyway, that is a weak point. Someone sees Aziraphale as an edonist, and yeah, he likes food and books, but this seems not enough to me to make him an edonist? I see them kissing, holding hands at most, not going over that, canonically speaking. Soft shows of affection, that's it, but I do not really see them like sexual being interested in intercourses. My opinion of course!

If we analyze the fandom / fanfiction / fanart picture, instead, a lot whole of their characterization is highly distorted - which I am not opposed to, honestly speaking. I am the first one writing fanfictions that are absolutely against what I said earlier, but fanfictions for me are not supposed to follow the original script - after all it's my imagination, isn't it? If we see them as sexual being, I am pretty sure they'll be switches. Honestly I am not a fan of the stereotypes though, but them can be pleasent to read / watch IF they're pictured in a good way. I'll be honest, the 75% of the fiction I actually read are Explicit ones, and I struggle most of the times because of the way things are described once they get to the clue point. I bother more on seeing them as teenagers who screams and twists and cry and does poor dirty talk meaning all that as making love (I'm little short-minded here, I know, but I'm craving to read good scenes when they actually act like the middle-aged man they actually are, so when I found those I'm pretty happy) than on who tops and who bottoms. It's like watching bad porn most of the times. (I know no one believes me but I read those FOR THE PLOT around those scene ç__ç) When it comes to IC realities it's pretty disturbing for me, so I had to stop reading IC stories and move to AU all the times - I can manage better there.

And we get to the spicy point. AU fictions are, in my opinion, what creates troubles the most. Now: when it comes to AU we should always keep in mind that the characters are NOT the same we have in the original show. Their story, their lives, their relationships, everything is different and this have an impact on their behaviour of course, even if we do not want to. Given this, we can actually make 'em switches or not. We can easily have access to other variants, such as soft dom Aziraphale, a whole lot of kinks we shower poor Crowley with and a lot of other things. We can manage, because it's AU. If it's written in a good way, things can be justified. If we put things in the cauldron just to add some spice without caring on the plot and coherence, then there's only chaos and that is - in my opinion, again - pretty bad.

So actually, in short: I do not even see them as sexual being, in the show. But in fictions, they can quite be anything if well developed.

And I am sure people would laught at this, given that one of my fictions is post 2° season finale and they quite fuck (just a little bit, and it's not really really a sexual thing though), and the other one is an AU that will have both soft dom Aziraphale and praise kink on Crowley (and they will definitely switch, though being different when it comes to that). I feel like part of the problem here.

I THINK THIS IS ALL I HAD TO SAY -- I just wanted to be part of this topic in some way. If I made some mistakes, be good to me, I'm still learning english! çwç

I love y’all very much, but I need to know: do you really think Aziraphale is the dominant partner in this relationship? The angel who literally went ‘toot-toot’ when he sounded the Bentley’s horn?

[rotessaboggs]

I posted 1,060 times in 2022

That's 1,025 more posts than 2021!

21 posts created (2%)

1,039 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@mlchaelwheeler

@andiwriteordie

@willel

@queerxqueen

@new-ronantics

I tagged 54 of my posts in 2022

#byler - 27 posts

#will byers - 16 posts

#stranger things - 15 posts

#theories - 6 posts

#analysis - 5 posts

#sorry this turns into a rant - 1 post

#y'all making me emotional - 1 post

#share this again - 1 post

#im crying rn - 1 post

#south-east asian - 1 post

Longest Tag: 133 characters

#but like i can't imagine how they are gonna defeat vecna in any other ways except for taking what he preys on and uses it against him

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I'm so disappointed to the point that I can't feel anything but empty right now. Will, you don't deserve this treatment.

20 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

#4

79k!!! I remember when I first started to follow the tag, it was like 20k something or even less. And now we are 21k away from 100k??? Oh man that's crazy to think about.

22 notes - Posted August 4, 2022

#3

No matter what is gonna happen in vol 2, I just wanna say that I had a time of my life reading all the theories and analysis of you guys. Some people may say “it’s not that deep” but to me, what makes a work of fiction have a lasting impact is the fact that we can dive deep into the story, decipher the smaller details and see how it contributes to the larger picture. Arts continue to live on because we, as the audience, never cease to analyze and interpret it with different angles and layers.

In the months leading up to the release of reputation back in 2017, I read tons of amazing theories. Although many of them ended up not being accurate but looking back, I never regretted being invested in them because they gave me the thrills that only a well-done work of art can do: that there is always something more to what we see on the surface.

I’m not sure if what I’m saying makes sense or not because I’m so stressed out right now and English is not my native language. So in short, thank you so much for all the theories, analysis, and memes that you guys have posted in the last month. I will remember June 2022 for the rest of my life <3

37 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

#2

How realistic should a work of fiction be? ~aka this is me rambling~

Warning: This is going to be more like me getting all of my messy thoughts out of my head than a coherent in-depth analysis. So read it at your own expense lol. Still, I would really love to read you guys’ thoughts and opinions on this topic. This is something I have been pondering upon for quite some time but I didn’t have the urge to write it down until I saw people on Twitter “arguing” over what a therapist said about Mike.

Also, English is not my native language so sorry in advance for any spelling/ grammatical mistakes or ambiguous/ confusing word choices. I won’t mind if you guys point it out for me.

First of all, let me start off with some chit-chats (you guys can skip it if you like). I have no intention of “forcing” my opinions on others so I want to make it clear how I am like which can affect my viewpoint intrinsically.

A few years ago, I generally didn’t care much about films or TV shows, to be honest. I did watch movie analysis for fun but I have always been a book lover and I tend to gravitate towards classic literature because they usually make heavier impacts on me (I may use some examples of classic lit later on). I usually opt for classic lit because I feel more certain that it has the thing I love - a character-driven narrative in which we get to dive deep into a character’s inner self, explore all their turmoils in exquisite detail, and observe a natural progression in their thoughts and feelings. 

It was in late 2017 or early 2018 that I watched a video explaining the first two seasons of Stranger Things that I got interested in the show. It was specifically Noah’s acting and Will’s possession arc in season 2 that made me become a fan, not gonna lie. I was super excited to watch season 3 right when it came out. And … It made me so disappointed that I felt weirdly left out when other people all seemed to enjoy it. I thought maybe it was just me and I didn’t think of the show at all during the three-year period between season 3 and 4. I clearly didn’t know that Will is gay or pay any attention to the underlying problem in mlvn’s relationship. That kinda qualifies me as one of the general audience, right? Volume 1 blew me away and made me hooked on this show again. And then I came across posts and analyses about Will and Mike (in season 4 and other seasons) and I was even more blown away by all the subtexts and parallels (you guys are AMAZING!). In one way or another, I support byler because if it is really the direction the show is heading towards, it proves that the piece of entertainment I am consuming at the moment has so much depth, breadth, and width. And that has always been the thing that gives me an amazing sensation of blissfulness and satisfaction when I enjoy art. It makes me feel like a diver making her way down the mysterious depth of the ocean, being fascinated by all the questions and wonders.

Thank you for getting through that. Let me get to the main question now. 

How realistic should a work of fiction be?

I have seen a lot of people say things like “Stranger Things is a show about a girl who throws off a car with her mind and alternate dimensions with monsters but gay characters in the 80s is where you draw the line, really?” Although I agree with the overall sentiment here, there is always something irking in the back of my mind about this argument, about when things should be realistic and when the writers can just do anything they want.

In this case, I won’t bring all the supernatural things into this discussion because I think the matter is not whether things are realistic or not, it’s more about whether all the supernatural elements really align with each other in the grand scheme of things, whether later discoveries explain or disrupt the set of established rules and norms (which can be absurdly unrealistic) we have from earlier seasons. Although there have been quite a few inconsistencies, especially in regard to the Upside Down as people pointed out, there is still the last season 5 in which more will be explained so yeah … let’s wait and see how it will pan out.

What I do care though is the characters, their personal developments, and the dynamics they have with each other.

Back to the therapist I mentioned earlier, I don’t know exactly what she said but as far as I hear from other people, she explained Mike’s behaviors in a way that is favorable to mvln so undoubtedly, mlvn shippers use it as their proof. Meanwhile, they are pretty much against an analysis of a person with film degrees and experience in media literacy. On the side of byler, there is an opposite response: more in favor of the latter, of course.

In my opinion, this is pretty much a gray area. On the one hand, I can see why people cling to the analysis of the therapist because characters are humans and their behaviors and thought process can be explained through the lens of psychology just as normal human beings. On the other hand, they are also fictional entities who play a part in a story, directly engage the audience into a narrative, and are the means through which the emotional impacts are created. Rather than seeing this in a black-and-white manner like “it’s not realistic to do this or that” or “oh come on it’s fiction,” I would say the boundary between the realistic and creative aspects is pretty blurry, especially when people are just talking generally about the show without specifically focusing on a character, relationship, or plotline.

A basic opinion that I first had about this is that: the journey that a character goes through should make sense and make the audience feel like it’s relatable  to a certain extent (or at least understandable). But to adhere strictly to reality for the sake of being realistic isn’t it. That personal journey, with its progression, climax, resolution, and aftermath, has to serve a purpose, or in another word, it has to be purposeful and consequential. 

People argue that Will being gay, in love with Mike and potentially having his feeling reciprocated + having a happy ending isn’t realistic because it’s the 1980s - a really homophobic period. They believe that it would be more realistic and accurate for Will to be rejected or something along the line. But if it is the path his arc is heading towards, then I wonder for what purpose then?

(This thought came after I finished this whole writing so I don’t know where to put it except here. Consider it an irrelevant note if you like) So … When I think of the word “realistic” when talking about fiction, I recall a quote that one of my professors mentioned in our class: “Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.” I question if it can be applied in this case. Although the 1980s was not a great period of time for gay people, was there anyone who actually got to have a happy ending? If those people exist, is it “unrealistic” for us to tell their stories instead of the conventional one - the one with no joy and happy ending at all? OK maybe that’s not what realistic actually means and maybe I’m way off base.

To be as close as the reality of the time is an obvious answer that some people may cling to but is it enough to be the drive of the arc of a main character?

I am currently reading “The Tenant of Wildfell Hall'' by Anne Bronte and I am pleasantly surprised by how progressive the book’s ideology is considering that at the time it was published, women were devoid of any independence of their own and viewed as the properties of their husbands. To see a woman of that time (not only the heroine of the book but also the very author) deliberately going against that mindset is empowering indeed. The things happening in the book aren't necessarily “realistic” but sometimes we have to defy reality to get a message across and to create an emotional impact. Particularly when it comes to a progressive ideology like feminism or LGBT+ rights, by defying the reality, the writers are able to create a work that continues to be impactful decades or centuries later on. Or on a much more personal scale, we may say it’s a way of self-fulfillment for the authors who didn’t get a chance to live a better life (like Jane Austen with all of her books). Either way, there is a purpose.

On the other hand, there are also authors who don’t defy the rules and norms of the time and try to make their stories realistic. I always think about “Tess of the d’Urbervilles'' by Thomas Hardy in regard to this because that book hurts me like hell with its pessimistic progression and devastating ending. Spoiler alert, the main protagonist of the book doesn’t get a chance to escape the bleak reality of her life and the love story in the book doesn’t have a happy ending at all. Upsetting as it is, it makes sense when we learn more about Thomas Hardy. He is a person who is known for “his stoical pessimism and his sense of the inevitable tragedy of life.” Although one of his most popular books “Far from the madding crowd” has a happy ending, there are still a whole lot of pessimistic things and tragedies that plague nearly all the portions of the book. Also, sticking to a realistic portrayal of the society and having the characters suffer immensely can be a way of social critique, having the general audience confronted with unfairness and cruelty of this world, to encourage them to actually think about justice and equality instead of being indifferent towards those matters.

Now, based on what we know of the Duffer brothers (there are other writers as well, but overall, they created the whole thing in the first place so let’s just narrow it down to them), which side would you think they gravitate towards? 

Depressing as the show can get sometimes, it still offers us a message of hope and optimism, as well as emphasizing the power of self-esteem, friendship, and love. As someone who has always felt like an outcast, a second thought, and someone who tried to seek validation from other people to feel worthy in high school, I find the show relatable and inspiring, and I believe that it’s the effect the show creators want to bring about.

If Will’s feeling for Mike is not reciprocated and he somehow ends up sacrificing not only his heart but also himself in season 5, what message and effect do you think that would bring? Not just in the LGBT+ community but also people who find themselves resonate with Will in any certain ways.

Counter arguments

One may argue that well, if you want Mike and El to break up, it would still suck because she has suffered a lot and deserves love and happiness. Now I would support this if it were not for the things happening in episode 9 and her overall character arc. To be honest, I didn’t really care about El in earlier seasons because I tend to just hyper-fixate on one character at a time. But there are aspects of her arc this season that I find particularly relatable and touching. It’s her need to feel accepted, validated, and loved. 

At the beginning of the season, the foundation upon which she depends her self-esteem comes from the outside, which as we have all seen, causes even a lot more trouble to her mental health. All the bullies and harassment and then the lack of love received from Mike - all contribute to pushing her closer to the edge. At first, her coping mechanism is shrugging it off, putting it aside and pretending that all is good. It really doesn’t help that she can’t be honest with Mike about her struggles although hypothetically, they should be able to be so if their relationship is healthy and advantageous to both sides. I think all the lies are pretty much rooted in insecurity as she is an original person now without any superpower. She has been trying to find herself for several seasons but this is the first time there is no “superpower” - the main thing that many people see when they see El: a thing that they may depend upon in dire circumstances, or at worst weaponize for their own benefit. Her being left without it makes the issue of finding herself even more pressing because it seems now to her that she is no longer as helpful as before.

Despite the facade of happiness, all the distress is still there, waiting to surge up, breaking the dam when the time comes. That time being at the Rink-O-Mania. After that, we finally get the chance to see her true thoughts and feelings. We see that under the facade of happiness, those demeaning labels and names have really caught up to her and affected the way she defines her self-worth. It doesn’t just stop at “I’m different. I don’t fit in.” She literally sees herself in the worst light possible - a monster - something that brings destruction and death.

So the main character arc of El for the rest of the season (and I believe it will continue in season 5) revolves a lot around her defining her very self-worth (she alone knows herself best, not anyone around her; not Hopper, not Mike, her), making her own decisions despite the biggest authority figure in her life - Papa - saying “NO,” and most importantly, accepting herself (and her abilities) for what things are. If need be, she is going to use them in a violent way, like fighting against Vecna or the military, or use it to save Max - her dearest friend. When I first watched episode 9, I was a bit annoyed by the fact that they have El revive Max in such a way because it feels like they want to avoid a main character’s death. But when I ponder upon it a bit more, I see it as a beautiful contradiction with how her power has been used continuously in every season - something that causes damage and death vs. something that can revive life. There is no clear-cut definition like the monster or the superhero because these words imply certain qualities that completely contradict each other and cannot co-exist in one entity, that entity being El. She is Eleven and she is more complex than what those labels can ever describe.

Now this is exactly where I have issues with Mike’s monologue. Because he keeps going on and on about her power (a lot of which isn’t even accurate) and calls her a superhero. Many people have talked about this but let me put it down here just to make things clear: Mike is holding El back from her personal development. She cannot open up to Mike about her life in California, suppressing her negative feelings and thoughts all the way, because he has always looked up to her for her abilities and she can’t bear his pity if he knows the truth. She feels unloved because Mike cannot write the word “love” to her but once again she tries to put that aside. Mike’s words after she hits Angela triggers her traumatic experience at the lab - the one which makes her feel like a monster. And then when she finally gets to see that there is no such thing as a monster or hero, she being way more complicated than what others dictate her to be, Mike once again brings back the word “superhero.”

OK I didn’t intend to write that much about El, which is a bit funny considering that my favorite character is Will. I am feeling like I am driving at night without any headlight so let me end this part with a question: If she continues her relationship with Mike in season 5 without both resolving all the underlying problems in their relationship, it being the fact that they cannot really be themselves around each other and therefore, hindering their own personal development due to each being the main source of validation for the other, what purpose would it serve? What emotional impact and message can that bring about at the end of the day? What is potentially the climax of resolution of all these underlying issues that have lain around for seasons?

The psychological (realistic) and narrative (fictional) aspect of a character’s personal arc is so intricately interwoven to each other that to me, to erase one side from the argument (to completely cling to the analysis of a therapist) portrays a black-and-white way of looking at the show. I still love listening to character analysis of people who have knowledge of psychology though, because I love psychology a lot but I’m not going to forget that I’m watching a show in which everything has a sense of purpose and has to fit into a narrative. At the moment, we still have a whole season left and none of the characters have completed their arc yet, not to mention we are kept in the dark about some of the character’s actual thoughts and feelings and the only thing we can do now is deducing from what we see or hear from the show and other related sources of hint.

See the full post

42 notes - Posted August 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

PREACH!!!! OMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!

70 notes - Posted July 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[anticonspiracist]

an ask from the larrie anon

[in reference to this ask and response]

Hi,

Thank you for answering my questions in a serious way. I would like to continue this dialogue for a bit, but I will stay on anon… feels more safe to me.

Due to the length of your ask, I’ve decided to publish it here in pieces to respond more coherently. There’s also a bit at the end that you asked me not to mention so I have edited that bit of your post and noted where the edit is.

A little background info, so you can understand who you’re talking to. I’m a 40 year old woman from the Netherlands. I’m quite fluent in English, but there might be some mistakes here and there, so don’t see those as a lack of intelligence. I’m a mom [edited] and I work in marketing. I have a bachelor’s degree in English literature with minors in sociology, psychology and journalism; I consider myself as intelligent, emphatic, and openminded, but I understand this might mean nothing to you as anyone could say that about themselves.

Some more background info about myself, so you can better understand where I come from: I’m a mid-30s, single, bisexual woman. My college degree is in political science and classical studies – Latin was my concentration. I’m currently enrolled in a graduate program in political psychology. My interest is in the conspiracy mindset and its role in American politics. I have read a couple of studies that investigated the conspiracy mindset overseas, including in Germany. From this limited dataset, it doesn’t appear that the conspiracy mindset in America differs greatly from those in other countries, but until there’s more robust investigation we can’t say that conclusively. Oh also, in my day job I teach emergent bilingual students. My students range from very little English to near-native speakers.

 I became a Larrie during one of the first lockdowns in my country (no conspiracist ideas about the pandemic btw😉 ) a lot of free time drove me to TikTok (which I’ve left since then)

During lockdown for me, I started watching a few different series on streaming platforms and turned to an old hobby, crocheting. Since March 2020 I’ve made like 10 blankets. Now I’ve moved onto quilting! Also now that highly effective N95s are widely available and I have the means to purchase them, I am active in local politics. 

 and I came across videos of Harry. I thought him funny. Knowing TikToks algorithm, I came across more and more Harry videos, which led to 1d, which led to Larry. And that’s basically how it started. I searched through all kinds of info, from larries and anti’s. I think it’s important to mention that ‘I don’t want to believe this is true.’ Although a lot of Larries describe this as the biggest love story on earth, to me it is a story of hardship and oppression of teenage boys. 

I understand that TikTok can be a disorienting experience due to the absence of a clock and that videos placed in front of you have no timestamp, so I’m going to take a moment to remind you that Louis will be 31 years old in December, and Harry will be 29 in February. They are not teenage boys. They’re millennials, just like you and I. 

I’d much rather they didn’t have to go through all that (although I do believe Harry and Louis love each other very much). From what I’ve gathered, I just believe that sadly they did have to endure all that.

Your writing later on directly contradicts this statement, that you’d rather they didn’t have to go through all of what you imagine. In fact, there is overwhelming evidence that they did not go through what larries claim they did and do suffer. Larries so easily dismiss all of this because it doesn’t make them feel good like the imagined oppression does. By viewing these men as needing your help, it gives you a purpose. During the initial lockdowns, so many people throughout the world turned to the comforting thought of a conspiracy theory which had all the answers. You aren’t alone in this phenomenon and it is a well-documented one. 

Now, I am not one of those “ooh, blue and green” larries. To me it’s about a combination of these things:

1. Do I believe the music industry is capable of doing this? Yes, absolutely. While the article added by your friend shows it has been possible for nsync to win against their label, that does not suffice for me to believe 1d would also be able to do so. For one, Nsync’s case was ten years before 1d even existed. Plenty of time for labels to adjust their contracts to prevent this from happening again. Secondly, there is so much evidence from ex-Xfactor contestants pointing to their contracts being unfair, harsh and just impossible to get out of (Rebecca Ferguson, just stated that contracts go on for 20 years for instance. Rebecca Fergusson, Cher Loyd, Jedward and others have all spoken up about the unfairness… are those people all to be ignored? Liam has talked about their treatment, Harry himself has recently talked about impropriety clauses and how it affected him. So yes, I believe something was very wrong during 1d and I think their label and management is to blame.

Louis and Harry have been out of One Direction for longer than the band existed, at this point. Like I mentioned previously, both of them have hired their own management teams. Both of them are in charge of their careers. Both of them are white multimillionaires. When Harry mentioned that clause, please don’t forget the context:

Styles said he often spent interviews terrified about saying the wrong thing until he stopped to question what abhorrent belief or bizarre opinion he was scared he'd accidentally reveal and realized he couldn't think of anything. He thought about how, when good things happened—say, a No. 1 album—he wouldn't feel happy, just relieved. And he thought about the cleanliness clauses in the contracts he used to sign, which would dictate that they would be null and void if he did anything supposedly unsavory, and about how terrified that used to make him. And about when he signed his solo contract and learned that the ability to make music would not be affected by personal transgressions, he burst into tears, a reaction he still seemed shocked by, retelling it to me now, years later. "I felt free," he explained. https://www.bhg.com/better-homes-and-garden-magazine/harry-styles/

The music industry is fucked! That’s not in dispute. But is it so fucked that Harry Styles at the age of 28 is still being treated the same as he was at age 16? By the same people? He’s not bound by the same contract, even. Regardless of what Rebecca Ferguson has said about her dealings with X-Factor, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are not in her shoes. Rebecca deserves people to care about her situation and want to help her because she has gone through it, not because they believe Harry and Louis are in the same situation today. They are demonstrably not.

2. Do I think Harry and Louis are queer? Well, I’m a Larrie… so obviously I think they are. I don’t know whether they are gay, bisexual or anything else on the queer spectrum, but that also doesn’t matter imo. Even if you take Larry out of the equation, I would still believe they are queer. For Harry, what convinced me are his slip-ups. During 1d interviews he would often answer with ‘they, a person who’ when asked about romantic interests, but he would sometimes slip up with ‘he’. Could that be deliberate? Sure, it just didn’t look deliberate to me and I trust my own judgement in that. For Louis, I see no real chemistry between him and the women he was with. I also see him sing a song like “Only the Brave” and it only makes sense to me if he were queer. The way he encourages fans bringing rainbow flags. Could he just be an ally or queerbaiting? I think he would be hugely overshooting the cause if that were the case. Every show he’s looking at a huge portion of his fandom not wondering if he’s gay, but actually believing he’s gay. I believe he is a kind man and would not play with fandom’s feelings that much, nor would he allow the feelings of his loved ones be hurt over and over again (and there would be things he could do to make me think otherwise).

What you didn’t address from my initial response was that if what you believe were to be true, your behavior as a larrie is harmful to Harry and Louis. Your open speculation about their sexualities is harmful. Would you do this to a friend? I had a student about five years ago who was openly gay in my classroom. He came to class one day heated. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “ugh, freshman.” He then related how he’d been walking down the hallway and heard these freshmen girls behind him wondering out loud if he was gay, clearly not intending him to hear, but he did. “I turned around and said, ‘Yes! But you could just ask me, not whisper behind my back!’” That is just what you do when you speculate about people’s sexualities, especially when they have told you in no uncertain terms that they don’t appreciate that speculation. You say you aren’t a “blue green” larrie, but you do prioritize the “signals” that larries claim these men send over the words they actually say. You claim to be able to tell “chemistry” by viewing photos of two people, but that is absurd. To condemn a relationship as false because you see only what you want to see in a limited selection of photographs (larries do not, as a rule, view all photos in a paparazzi series) is, frankly, absurd. As I mentioned before, Louis has said he’s straight. He has spoken often about his love for his girlfriend, and his love for his son. Until and unless he says something else, it is harmful to deny his words. Not because Louis is going to see your blog, but because you have other people viewing your blog and seeing how you ignore what he says, so why would you listen to them? As a teacher, it’s important for me to create a classroom space where students like the one I mentioned can feel safe coming out to me. Part of that is accepting whatever it is that they tell me about themselves. Their perception of their sexuality or gender identity can change drastically over the time period I know them, and if a student comes out to me as gay, it’s possible in two years they come out to me as trans. Ignoring their words is simply not acceptable. When you do that as a so-called fan, you are merely telling your followers that people’s words and truths don’t matter as much as how you feel about the matter. 

3. Do I think Larry have been/are together? Yes. I read your comment about being a teacher and having seen a lot of boys act this way. I have three younger brothers, have always had more guy-friends than girl-friends and, although I recognize there can be a certain playfulness/closeness between especially teens, I have never seen boys caress each other as tenderly as Louis and Harry have been seen doing in moments they didn’t think others would see. It’s the closeness of lovers to me, not of best friends. But,.. up to how you interpret things I guess. I tend to lean towards them being together since the beginning, because I’ve seen no evidence of things having changed.. but, I always try to leave room for the universe being a dick, so I’d say I’m about 90 percent sure they still are together now.

You haven’t seen boys caress each other like you think you’ve seen Harry and Louis do so? Cool. I have! So, what’s the truth?? Regardless, consider how much of the “evidence” that you’ve seen is in gifs, which are always divorced of context and in many cases, are slowed down and/or reversed. Plenty of people who were larries and who have decided that had erred recount feeling duped when they realized just how much of the evidence they’d been shown had been manipulated.

Furthermore, Louis has a long-time girlfriend and a six-year-old son and Harry has a long-term girlfriend and has spoken about how happy he is. That is evidence that what you believe to be true is actually not. You cannot just dismiss out of hand everything that these men say because it doesn’t fit with the conclusion you began with.

Feel free to ask me stuff by the way, happy to have my believes tested.

I am aware of confirmation bias and that is one of the reasons of me contacting you. To really discover the truth you have to consider the opposite as well. I do wonder however if you are aware of your own confirmation bias. You stated that you were already interested in conspiracy theories before entering fandom and the article that lured you in had the exact term ‘conspiracy’ to trigger you in it’s title. Is it possible you too only see things confirming your believes? Have you actually gone through all the information Larries provide? Have you tried seeing the other side as I am now?

I have, actually, gone through every bit of so-called evidence that larries have provided. Every scrap of it has been debunked. My first 20 days in fandom I had a larrie trying to recruit me. She was unsuccessful.

What you’ve named a confirmation bias in my regard is actually not that at all – it’s a bias toward reality, and what can be proven. You and other larries claim that somehow, Harry and Louis are contracted to do these things against their will, but have no evidence of that, cannot name who else is party to these contracts, and also cannot explain how, if Harry and Louis don’t want to be in this situation, they can’t just … breach the contract and wait to be sued by … whoever. It’s at this point in the conversation that the larrie without fail said I’m ignorant, homophobic, et cetera.

You say closeting doesn’t happen the way we think, with paid beards. How do you know though? It’s possible there are many other examples we just don’t know about. What specifically lead me to believe it is possible, is Louis Theroux’s doc “When Louis Theroux met… Max Clifford”. Specifically the part where Louis asks Max what he would do if someone were gay. The answer being that he would create a long relationship. Create… does not seem like he would ask a friend of the gay person to act as a beard to me. Max Clifford being closely connected to Simon Cowell and having worked with 1d in the beginning cements this for me. I absolutely think they would employ someone to beard. I don’t think Holivia is that way though. Harry and Olivia both gain from this arrangement in other ways.

How do I know? How do you know there are bearding contracts? What I do know is that every example that larries bring up of bearding does not coincide with their beliefs about how Harry and Louis are allegedly closeted. Larrie evidence for their existence is simply because you want it to exist because it explains why both of these men have women in their lives, look happy, and speak about them. Whatever you think is real doesn’t matter. You say it is happening with no evidence whatsoever except for your feelings. You have the burden of proof here, and you haven’t proven anything.

One last thing I want to address is your evidence of how closeted people in bands behaved. How they were mostly scared to come out and never told anyone even. I understand your point. I also understand how unfair it has been to Lance Bass. I personally never bring up Lance Bass, I try to look at situations as a part of a whole, but also separate from everything else. I think though that Harry and Louis’s situation differs from those others because there were two of them in the same band. Had it only been one of them, maybe they would’ve also stayed silent., but being a pair changes the dynamic. They were stronger as a pair, they were together so much and if the person you love is right in front of you.. you don’t just stay silent.

Cool. Louis had a girlfriend during X-Factor, Hannah, and then after Hannah began dating Eleanor. Louis is a serial monogamist. What you’re writing about is fan fiction. And I’ve got nothing against fic! I love fic. However, don’t conflate fictional stories on the internet with reality.

I don’t think I fit the mould of a conspiracy theorist, but which ct does? The way I see myself considering this situation is: I saw something wrong in 1d/Larry. I am very concerned for those men. I admire them a lot. Would it break my heart if it were not real, no. Do I think it is real, yes.

What you saw were TikTok videos about a band that broke up in December 2015 created by conspiracy theorists. When the pandemic began, I mentioned to @back-to-louis that we were going to see a surge in conspiracy theorists of all kinds due to the mass trauma being felt across the world. There was a surge of larries just like there was a surge of anti-vaxxers and QAnon believers. No one is naturally immune from falling down the rabbit hole, but some people are more susceptible to it than others. I was already extremely online prior to March 2020 and am able to suss out good sources from bad. I also had healthy hobbies to fill the extra time I found on my hands. Though I live alone, because so many of my friends were actually internet friends, I wasn’t missing out on in-person social activities like others were. And outside of these considerations, through being a teacher and informal research on the subject, I had already inoculated myself against conspiratorial thinking. I can recognize the hallmarks of a CT easily and I don’t fool myself into thinking that any of them are harmless.

Not sure if I covered everything, but I am out of time right now. Looking forward to having you and your friends dissect me 😉… 

You haven’t covered everything. You completely ignored the antisemitism present in your conspiratorial beliefs and have nothing to say about who could possibly be forcing all of this oppression on these white multimillionaires.

[cthulhubert]

the thing you mention in your tags on this post sounds very interesting if you'd be keen to talk about it!

The tags in question

#weird synchronicity I was just thinking about regularities in the regularities we use to sort our own cognition

I sat on this ask for a bit trying to see if I had anything cogent or at least coherent to say, but couldn't really, so I suppose I'll just dump some of stray bits and pieces I've been fumbling with.

This usage of "regularities" I stole from Andy Clark's Surfing Uncertainty, where he uses it to refer to the most broad, generic possible class of things that happen, that the brain can notice/capture/model/etc. No idea if this is some kind of standard in cognitive philosophy/neuroscience or if it's just something he picked for that book to make sure people didn't confuse it with some more specific ontological category or narrower understanding of some of the things collections of neurons do.

English (and presumably other languages) have a lot of different words for things that we experience ourselves doing internally. We think thoughts and have ideas and remember memories and imagine all kinds of things. We experience events and sometimes we experience ourselves noticing that we're experiencing an event and we remember those events and sometimes we construct as part of that memory experiencing the experience (whether or not we were actively noticing it at the time). We notice stuff, catch on to things. Come to understandings. Are confused. We consider objects and somehow also subjects. We model existence both explicitly and implicitly. Some of the "mental objects" that we use to represent reality internally are representations of first class, physical objects (a specific tree) sometimes the regularities across groups of physical objects (trees in general), sometimes a regularity in how things act (trees growing), etc, but sometimes the objects are strictly internal ones: concepts, memories, recalled sense impressions, associations, emotions.

All these myriad ways of carving up the reality of our experience of experience; what parts overlap and what parts don't even border, leaving a gap in what we can easily refer to? What is a high quality and yet simple model of how we model things?

I spend a lot of time considering the behavior of each of these regularities, trying to figure out where I might even start looking for regularities between them.

Sometimes when I recollect something it has a number of sensory associations that also become salient, and sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes when I have an idea it seems to come in words, sometimes images, sometimes in some direct thing that feels concrete to me but that I cannot make explicit in the outer world and have to "translate".

Thinking is my special interest so I spend quite a lot of time mentally rotating mental rotation. (Why are abstract concepts are something I can do spatial reasoning to? Is this some kind of conceptual<>spatial synesthesia? Something that everybody does but doesn't talk about the way I do? Something that I've developed a specific capacity to, that anyone could if they found it useful? Is a lot of all human experience of interiority filtered through spatial reasoning, or is that something that varies between individuals?)

I feel like there's a solid chance this is a somewhat hopeless quest without a better understanding of the underlying physical phenomena that would let me better predict what sort of properties would be most useful to categorize my internal experiences, but I can't stop pondering and all my interest in the subject doesn't quite pay out in the will to chew through textbooks like like Cerebral Cortex: Principles of Operation.

My theory of mind (ability to model other minds) is telling me that to someone outside of my brain there's a solid chance this is mostly noise, words strung together to sound evocative but are ultimately vacuous. It all feels meaningful to me, even if some of the specific subjects are opaque, but meaning is just another thing the brain does, and may or may not pay out in something useful.

Thank you for the ask, I hope at least something in this screed sparked something in your own mind.

[tundrainafrica]

Which would you say are your favorite fanfics ever? (Levihan ofc)

Okay, I don’t think I’m the best judge of what’s quality or not quality cause I ain’t no writing authority so I cannot vouch for whether you will like these fics or not. But I am a firm believer that good writing makes readers feel things and leaves a lasting impression. 

So lemme rephrase the question… What fics left a lasting impression?

So brace yourself for one hell of a ride while I talk about fanworks that just fucked me up in the following ways: 

Caused me to irrationally hate one random character

Made me forget something isn’t canon

Made me completely rearrange my day because I completely f-ed myself up.

Made me feel guilty for fucking up the view count because I keep going back there.

Makes me remember the fic as an aesthetic, not as actual words. Like literally I will imagine the setting almost perfectly in my head and like when I try to remember what happened, I don’t really remember the writing style or anything, but I could probably create a sim house about how exactly I imagined the house to look like or the yard to look like.

Changed the way I approach fic reading.

I don’t wanna spoil these fics because I’m assuming people are gonna read it so as much as I wanna make a long ass detailed review about why I love each of them, I won’t. I’ll probably just mention what the hell I was doing when I read the fic and how I completely fucked myself over. 

I probably will miss some since I’m just listing these out from the top of my head. So here goes…And I’m only posting completed fics because I’m just that way. 

Second chance by @fanmoose12

This is my comfort fic. The first time I read this fic, it was like 4am or 5am in the morning and I remember after reading it once, I read it like 5 more times that day. 

This is literally the fic I just randomly open on my computer at work on some incognito tab when I’m just tired from all the shit they make us do at work and this is the random fic that I just open up when I feel like reading. And this is one of the fics I plan on showing my children one day when I explain to them what love is. 

This isn’t depressing so I guess it doesn’t fall in the ‘fucked me over’ category but definitely one of the fics I read too many times to count that I remember it scene by scene like some simp. 

Partners by fanmoose12

Woops, one exception for WIPs. I just had to post this here because it definitely left a lasting impression. 

This was the first AU I have ever read and been invested in and I have been reading fanfiction since before I could remember and I have always stuck to canonverse fics until I got into Levihan. 

This fic got me into the AU genre and I have never read AUs in my life before this so I think that says a lot about how much this fic means to me. 

Somewhere Only We Know by @someonestolemyshoes

It’s not completely posted in ao3 yet. But since I beta-ed the fic, I finished it long before SSMS posted it but this fic. It started slow so it took me a week of on and off work to get through  but I got through the second part of the fic, the last 30,000 words  incredibly fast. I vividly remembered reading those last final scenes over breakfast completely in shock while my whole family was there. I literally had to leave the room and take my dog out for a second walk . 

I remember the aesthetic of the overall story vividly enough to actually make a moodboard of it and spend a good 1 hour going through country side pics after finishing it. . 

Yellow by @ariadneamare​

God, this fic. I read this over a day of work. Like breakfast, first few thousand words, Lunch next few thousand words. And I finished the rest before bed and oh god, this is the type of fic that builds a great aesthetic, some lightness and just to fuck you over in the end. 

I like to compare it to a longer and AU version of Pristine in terms of how it strings emotions along. I know they’re two completely different fics but the energy of the fic, the stream of emotions on how it strings you along is fairly similar. 

This is literally one of those fics where I’m just having a good day, and my mind goes ‘remember that one fic’ and I just wrinkle my nose like ‘yeah THAT FIC’ 

Pristine by @mannatea​

I’m sure everyone has read this, it’s practically a classic and I cannot count the number of people who told me it was depressing and I do not know why I did not believe them. I read this while waiting in line for milk tea. I lost my place in line around the time I finished that last part and just gave up on buying milk tea.

It has this build up, this incredibly fluffy build up which won’t make you think it will end the way it did. 

Well. you know a fic is good when you know it’s gonna end a certain way but you allow yourself to get strung along anyway. 

A Simple Choice by just-quintessentially-me

This is one of those fics for me that double as an aesthetic piece and a plot piece. I remember INCREDIBLY WELL, the road I was imagining that they were walking through and it satisfied my hurt comfort feels as well. Definitely one of my favorite 115-126 fics and one of the first ones I read in the fandom for sure. 

So those are the english fics, I have to Japanese fics that fall in that category. 

(For anyone who knows Japanese I guess but I personally think they’re worth a google translate.)

熱に浮く(Feverish Dream)

Classic canon compliant. Hange takes care of Levi when he’s sick fic but there are misunderstandings here, they contemplate their relationship and they are incredibly emotionally constipated here. Definitely one of the classics imo and it feeds my need for hurt/comfort.

前世なんてクソだと言う女と 全て忘れた男 

(A girl who thinks past lives are not real and a boy who forgot everything)

Hange is a teacher, Levi is a janitor. Hange remembers stuff and Levi doesn’t and just really cute stuff. 

I’m pretty sure you guys are tired of me rambling about how much this fic means to me but really, I wrote a Tale of Two Slaves (Which is just brushing 100k words already) because this was just so beautiful it got me into the reincarnation genre.

私の中の少女、あなたの中の少年

(The girl inside me and the boy inside you) 

Levi and Hange are exes/childhood friends and they meet again in a matchmaking party. This is just the greatest balance between emotional constipation and love. The premise was just perfect for the type of build up 

Closest thing I’m gonna drop to smut here. Will leave my smut recs for another post but I’m low key really still thinking whether or not I should expose myself by dropping my favorite Levihan smut pieces hahaha.

Filo Socmed AUs

A lot of these probably aren’t google translatable since Tagalog google translate sucks but if anyone is interested, most Filo Socmed AUs have a fair amount of English so it’s coherent. I guess? I completely forget though how much is in English and how much is in Tagalog but these are the Filo Socmed AUs I REALLY remember and really go back to. 

Vividly Remembered 

This one got me blowing my days worth of salary on some meal in a restaurant because I didn’t wanna go back home to my house yet so I remember just crying over a meal while finishing up this fanfiction instead of going home. 

Basically a fic where Levi and Hange were together already and were about to get married already but shit happened. I irrationally hate Nanaba because of this Socmed AU. Like everytime I see Nanaba, i think of this Socmed AU and I just hate her again. 

Photographs 

Levi and Hange are part of the photography club and shit happens. I remember being behind on work because I decided to take a three hour lunch break to finish this AU. This satisfied my sick Levi craving in so many ways (especially after reading Yellow)

Wherein Levi doesn’t have social media accounts and Hange is the class beadle

This last one just has the overall aesthetic of my own university so it really stuck tbh. And the premise of the build up is just incredibly cute. 

These are the ones I can remember from the top of my head so I’m sure these are among my favorites. I’ll definitely update this as I read more.

[wondersofdreaming]

Something Brewing

Characters: Henry Cavill x female reader

Word count: 1.243

Warnings: Alcohol consumption. Wet clothes. Brewing beer. Overall fluff and overload of cuteness.

Author’s note: I have been brewing a few beers during lockdown, so why not write a little something of the sort.

A big thanks goes to the angel from the heavens, @radaofrivia​, the story wouldn’t have been this good without you <3 Go read her stories here

Divider by @firefly-graphics​

I do not own any characters in this short story, except the reader who is a figment of my imagination.

MASTERLIST

Feedback is appreciated.

(GIF Credit to @henrycavilledits​ - find the post here)

A strong scent of warm grain was spreading through the rented house. Luckily the house was out in the English countryside, far away from the bustling city of London.

“You’re sure it has to be at 65C for over an hour, my love?” Henry asked, his face scrunching in utter concentration as he stirred the porridge looking thing in the pot.

“65 minutes to be exact,” you told him, “Keep stirring, darling. We don’t want the grains to burn at the bottom.”

“Yes madam,” he smiled, the one that made your knees weak and your heart race. You giggled at him and went to kiss his scruffy cheek. Your lips lingered a bit longer than usual, as you wanted to keep inhaling the scent that was uniquely Henry, a scent you had become addicted to ever since you started dating.

Kal was fast asleep on his doggy bed by the door. His ears were down and he was sleeping on his back with his paws in the air. That was his way of saying that he was 100% comfortable and relaxed.

The quarantine had lasted for over a month already, and you had already made a sourdough starter, baked loaves of bread, Julia Child’s cookbook and cooked all the recipes, played all the board games you had brought with you at least four times, and you had even talked Henry into playing God of War on your Playstation 4, which had taken a lot of energy, but you had continued to play the game in his presence and shown him why you loved the game. Then one day you came across a youtube video of people brewing beer at home. A week later you had received all the necessary ingredients and equipment to brew your very own beer.

“We should save a few bottles for Jason,” Henry commented, while you read the instructions once more.

“Of course, my love. To repay him for sending you 100 bottles of the beer he made with Guinness, and while you’re at it, throw in a dozen of No. 1 Rosemary water as well.”

You thought back to the day a delivery man had rung the doorbell and needed a signature for the boxes. You had thought that Henry had finally ordered the parts for the computer he wanted to build, so you didn’t open them. The delivery guy unloaded them in your kitchen after you signed the papers. Then you had waited for Henry to come home. The look on his face had been of amusement. He had laughed without pause for 10 whole minutes before he face-timed his Guinness-loving friend, to thank him for the gift and have a long chat.

The relaxed look Henry had sported after the talk with Jason was something he only showed to his closest friends and you. Whenever you visited him at work or standing backstage at an interview, he would give off an aura of concentration. He would be in work-mode. It was like a switch he could turn on and off whenever he walked out the front door. Only in the four walls of your home, he would be completely himself. The dork, the nerd, and the passionate man you knew and loved.

The timer went off, jolting you out of your trip down memory lane, and you started to pour the grain mixture into a colander on to of another pot to separate the grains from the liquid. You added 78C water until you had about 6,5 litres of grain-brew, then you brought it up to a boil, before adding the first set of hops.

Henry sniffed the hops before you dumped them into the hot liquid.

“What now?” Henry looked into the pot that was slowly starting to smell of faintly of beer. 

“Now we let it be at boiling point for 45 minutes, then we add another kind of hops for flavouring.”

“How long before we can try the finished product?” He asked and wrapped his strong arms around your torso. His lips leaving peppering kisses on your neck and shoulder.

“From what Mark told me, we… we need to let it sit in the tank for a week… then pour it into another tank with a tap and let it ferment for another week be… before we have to bottle them with a little bit of sugar so… so the yeast can make carbon dioxide, which will take approximately two weeks and then they should be ready for drinking…” you tried to tell him. You couldn’t form a coherent sentence as his lips touched your ear, his large palms caressing your sides and he pulled you closer to him.

“That is almost a month of waiting,” Henry sighed, looking a bit disappointed by the fact he had to wait so long for a taste.

“All good things come to those who wait, puppet. But maybe we can find something to do while we wait for it to ferment,” you giggled.

A slow smirk formed on his lips. He knew exactly what you were talking about, and he was looking forward to when you gave him the green light.

A month passed and you were finally going to give your homebrew a taste. The bottles had been sitting in the garage where it was dark and cool.

Henry opened one and the liquid spewed all over the kitchen, making his white T-shirt soaking wet, and you didn’t know whether to help him or roll on the floor laughing. You opted for the second option.

“Bad idea, babe,” Henry whispered while he silently tiptoed towards you. You were holding your stomach, gasping for air while you kept laughing, not noticing your beloved coming closer.

It was too late for you to move away from him, to late to save yourself from the outpouring of the rest of the beer from the bottle.

“Henry!” you squealed. Your own shirt glued to you like a second skin.

“Revenge is sweet, not what I can say about this beer,” Henry smacked his lips together, tasting the beer.

You licked your lips tasting the lingering liquid there.

“I can’t taste much, we should open another one,” you said and walked over to grab another bottle. You half-opened the beer in the sink, and it overflowed from the edge. There was beer foam all over your hands and it was slowly going down the drain. When it stopped you took a swig and handed the bottle to Henry. You spit out the mouthful you had taken and tried rinsing the awful taste.

“Yuck, that was absolutely horrendous,” you said. Henry looked a little pale but he swallowed the beer.

“We should… eh, remove this foul-tasting thing and never talk about it again,” he said. Henry turned on his heels towards the bedroom to change.

After you both had taken a shower together, as Henry’s excuse was to save water, and thrown out the remaining bottles of home-brew, you sat in the living room with your computer.

Henry sat down next to you with two cans of real Guinness. He looked over your shoulder to see what you were doing.

“What is that?”

“Our next project. We are going to make a Kal amigurumi doll.”

“You think my big hands can make something so nimble?” Henry asked perplexed, taking a look down at his impressively large hands.

“Darling, if you can paint Warhammer figurines, you can crochet your best friend.”

[unbreathable]

The magpie  ❃ B.Barnes

Summary : As the princess of a prosperous kingdom, you lived a life of luxury and happines. But when war is brought upon you homeland and you find yourself at the mercy of the enemy... just how far would you go to stay alive?

Pairing : Dark King Bucky x Female!Reader

Before you read, please understand that this is intended to be a dark fic. There will be noncon elements, violence, manipulation, lying, blood, gore, death and so much more. If you find any of these disturbing, please click away. 18+ only.

Warnings for this chapter : violence, swearing, rape.

Word count : 2.189

Credit : for the magpie image and the Bucky Burnes gif the credit goes to their rightful creator.

Note : Not me wanting to post something and then remembering I still have exams so yeah... Please take this chapter as a filler. I know it’s a little (ok, a lot) boring but after this, the actual story starts. Please bear with me, ‘cause I still don’t know what I’m doing but I’m trying. I also didn’t have the time to perfect it, sorry. But on the bright side, next week I’ll have a short break, so the next chapter would be better... hopefully. Also I should mention that English is not my first language so please excuse any typos you may encounter.

Thank you! I’m so happy. Really. I did not expect that first chapter to be so well received. Thank you! It means the world to me. I love you all!

 Also, to all the writers from this platform (especially the dark!fic ones) thank you !

❃ ❃

The darkness that surrounded you was terrifying. It was cold and hot at the same time. It also felt constrincting. There was something heavy on your chest that stoped you from getting that deep breath of air you desperately needed.

You woke up with a gasp. For a moment you felt like you were emerging from bottomless waters. It seemed that the world itself was submerged.You blinked, vision coming in and out of focus. Your whole body ached. It was an unfamiliar sensation, one that you were already dreading. You tried to move your hand, but found it way too hard to do it, and that simple move sent a wave of pain through your whole body. You groaned.

As you blinked one more time, your vision started getting dim around the edges. You felt like there was too much happening around you. There were lound sounds, graoning, screaming but there was also hushed ones, voices that were too shaky to even make one coherent sound. You felt confused. There was a numbing sensation that took over your whole body. It also came with a slight ringing in your ear. Someone was speaking to you, but you couldn’t even look at them, let alone make out a single word they were saying. Everything was either too loud or too quit. You wanted it to stop.

”It’s allright, child. Take a deep breath.”

Somehow, through all the fog that clouded your mind you understood the gentle comand. The buzz of the crowd started to register and as you fought the dizzness and nausea, your senses started to come to you. The first thing you took notice of, was the ruptere of moonstone yellow that illuminated the bat black sky. The second thing was the groaning and laughing of men and the cries of women. You tried to move you head but it made you too dizzy.

A hand rested on your head. You flinched. Even as familiar and gentle as it seemed you couldn’t help it. Your vision was still blurry, but you tried with all your might to focus it.

“Shh!” the old woman whose hand caressed your head, spoke in quiet voice. ”Don’t say a word.”

You furrowed your brows. You were sure you knew her, but the throbbing in your head didn’t let you remember every detail. Even so you felt like you could trust her, you felt somehow safe around her. You felt the same way one would feel around his mother.

Your eyes widened suddenly and your whle body lunged forward on it’s own accord. Your mother, the queen, the war, the king, the invaders. It all came back at once. A nauseating wave took over and you started to throw up. There was a hand at the back of your head, helping you mentain your equilibrium. You grimanced as you felt the bitter acid taste in your mouth and the burning sensation left in the back of your troath.

”Easy there child!”

You weren’t exactly paying attention to whoever was speaking, instead your still blurry eyes took in your surroundings. You were inside the citadel, you could tell that much. The light given by the torches was enough to see the ground that was polished with guts. A vile smell rose up from it. You wrinkled your nose in disgust. Moving you head a little, your breath caught in your throat. Hang all around the walls of the citadel, were heads of men that you knew. Of men that fought bravely to protect their homes and families. You felt sick. And as your eyes fell on the hanged head of Sir Gregor, you felt your heart stopping. If you could you would have screamed, but you were too numb all of a sudden.

A movement caught your eyes. Blinking the blurriness away and ignoring the ache you felt, you turned your face towards the foreign men. It was then, you realized the situation you were currently in.

Lined along the citadels walls were all the girls that were so unfortunate to be caught alive. Some of them were bound, while others were too terrified to move even one single finger. You watched them, even recognized some. Young, beautiful girls laidies and maids alike. At least, some people you knew were alive. You felt a little bit of hope making it’s way in your heart, only to disappear the next second.

Barbaric men were circling the girls like a wolf would his prey. Their hungry eyes were taking in their young bodies as if they were starved. You recoiled when you saw their hand touching their lower body parts through the clothes they were wearing. As a loud scream made itself herd, you averted your eyes.

A little too late though. You already saw that man tearing the top of one girl’s dress. You already saw her scared face as she made to cover herself. You already saw her being thrown to the ground, and her dress torn. You already saw the outline of one’s erect cock entering her without a second thought. And she wasn’t the only one. The screams were horrendous.

You moved back, pressing yourself against the cold wall of the castle, a sharp stone diging into your side. You were petrified. Your breath was too fast and too hallow. You felt like you could faint.

Strong, gentle hands squeezed your shoulders.

“Take a deep breath, princess!” the gentle and quiet voice made itself herd again.

You whimpered as you turned your eyes to the woman in front of you, without really seeing her. She mimicked your breathing till you understood and slowed down with her. Her hand took yours and she offered a sad smile.

”How did I get here?” you suddenly found your voice.

The woman you now recognized as lady Alice, looked away for a moment. She have been the wife of a lord, you remembered. She also have been there the day you were born, the day you painted your first portrait and the day you first learde how to dance. You remembered her as the one that teached you embroidery. A kind and beautiful lady. She was also the one that always stood next to your mother and supported her.

”I’m not sure.” she said as she looked around with teary eyes . ”If I were to guess I’d say you were lucky”

Confusion still filled your mind. But you remembered the way that man rised his fist. You didn’t remember him hitting you but the pain in your body was enough to tell you everything. You never felt anything like it. In a way you were indignated. You were a princess. No one had the right to put his hands like that on you. But as the girls screams started growing louder and louder, you realized that maybe you were indeed lucky.

You wanted to laugh. If this was what luck looked like, you didn’t want to know what no luck was like.

”They found other girls running in the tunnels, so they didn’t think twice about you.”

Something clicked. Now you understood why they didn’t ake an assumption of you coming out of that tunnel. You understood why you were here right now. They didn’ t think you were nothing else but a maid. But that didn’t explain who stopped that brute from killing you with his bare fist. At the reminder of what that man did to you and at your own helpness you trembled. Your head felt fuzzy and you felt like trowing up again. It was too much. You wanted it to stop.

And suddenly it did. All the buzzing, all the mocking laughter, all the grunts of the disgusting man, everything stopped. Only the cries and hiccups of the girls remained. But even those were silenced as one of the savages, annoyed by the cries, smashed a poor girl’s head on the cold ground.

“Shut it, you whore!”

You felt anger taking over you. Oh, how much you wanted the tides to be different. Your father would have head his head, and you would have had the pleasure to watch as his qrotesque face would have asked for mercy. You would have watched as his head fell beside his body. At the image you felt an odd satisfaction. Then you recoiled. What were you even thinking? You never thought about hurting a fly and now you felt strangely euphoric as you imagined someone’s death.

”Try to stay calm” the old lady spoke again, as her eyes were fixated on the main gate of the castle.

As it opened, all the thugs that were literally enjoying themselves not moments ago, kneeled. You raised your brows. The man that brought all of this upon you emerged from inside the castle.

Your castle. Your home. Your safeplace.

You felt again, the now familiar, sentiment of anger. Oh, how you wanted to wipe that mocking smirk from his face. You made to move forward, anger fueling your body and clouding your mind. But you had no power and as aching as your body was, you realized you’d have no chance. So when a hand tugged you back, you were actually thankful.

Cradled into lady Alice’s arms, you watched the king making his glory march. Seeing him so confident and being worshipped by his men made you realize that everything was over. That was it. Everything you knew was bound to change, and what made you want to cry was the fact that you could do nothing about it.

”It was a long fight… ” lost in your thoughts you nearly jumped when you heard the deep loud voice. ”One that could have been avoided if your old crazy king would just have accepted  that it was his time to go”

At the mention of your father you squeezed your eyes shut. How could this man even talk about the king of the most flourishing kingdom in that manner? How could this man even pretend that he would be better? You wanted to scratch his eyes out.  You wanted to see him bleed. You wanted …

”Do you want to know the fate of your precious king? Do you want to know what happened to the one you followed so blindly?” he jeered.

As he moved to one side , your eyes followed him. You saw him grabbing a sack and as he placed on the ground, you squinted your eyes to see whatever was inside. But as he took it out, you wished you had never been born. Your fathers head was held high in the air, by the one that killed him. You gasped for air. And as the men cheered you threw up for the second time. Tears were running down you cheeks, and you wanted to rip everything apart.

”Look at your king!” he laughed again like a maniac. It was a cruel, cruel laugh, one that you were sure would fallow you in your nightmares.

You trembled, and as king James threw the head away without a care, lady Alice’s hand covered your eyes. She whispered words of comfort in your ear but you were lost. Your hands found the ground beneath and you started clawing at it. You didn’t know what to do. You felt nothing and everything at the same time.

There were cheers from every men that was there and a mockery of laughter. You wanted to scream. To take a sword and put it through that man’s black heart. You almost wished you never woke up from that beating. This was unberable. The tears runned dry on your face. And as you let your head rest against the rocky wall, you hoped that this all was nothing but a nightmare. Maybe you were still there, at the back of the castle left for the wild animals to feed on. At that moment you preferred that. You would actually have been thankful for that. But you knew. The throbbing in your head and the pain your body was in, told you that you were very much alive.

”My men, you fought hard, and you deserve to celebrate!” you heard the dreaded voice again, but at this point you weren’t sure if it even stopped. ”So let us begin!”

There were cheers again, but they were merged with screams and cries. You somehow knew what that kind of celebration meant. The girls were dragged to their doom. Some of them were already sporting nasty bruises along their faces, but the savage men didn’t seem to mind as long they rutted into a young body. You turned your head towards lady Alice and her from her face expression you knew she had the same thoughts as you.

“Go princess!” her voice was nothing more but a whisper but somehow you heard it.

You made to stand up, hoping that in all that madness you would, by a miracle, go unnoticed. You had to get away, you knew that much. You had a promise to keep. Trying to mantain your equilibrium you made a step. But that was it, you didn’t get to take another. There was a hand on your throat and you felt yourself held up against the cold war. You coughed. Laidy’s Alice screams were cut short by the sword that turned her head to the side. You watched her hit the ground and when you felt you were running out of air, you meet the cold blue eyes of your captor. The same bastard that hit you, now was toying with your life for the second time.

”Hello, little bird!” you opened your mouth, wishing that you could tell every little thing you thought about the blond in that moment, but when the only thing you did was gasp for air, he continued. ”You know, you’re lucky you’re pretty or otherwise I would have made an example out of you” he laughed.

You started to feel dizzy and your vision was starting to blur again. You brought your hand up to his hoping to take a little of the pressure but he didn’t bulge.

”Now now” he tutted. “I do hope you’ll be a good girl” he tightened his grip as you fought for your last breath. ”You know, he wants the best, and you’re a true beauty even with that bruise I left on your face.” with his other hand he touched your cheek,dragging his fingers across your skin. ”Hell, I would have kept your for myself.”

When he finally lossened his hold you found yourself on the ground gasping for air. There was a burning sensation in your whole body and you felt like your heart was beating in your head. You bit your lip. And when the blond brought you to your feet by your hair, you held back a whimper .

”Aww, don’t be like that.” He smirked. ”You’re gonna get the chance to touch a king, you should feel honored.”

[postmodernbeing]

Shingeki no Kyojin Headcanons: Paradis Soldiers, drunk edition

Hello, Postmodernbeing here. So, I have been re-reading SnK manga due its 4th and final season. And chapter 123 really inspired me into writing this headcanons. I wrote them thinking in some Morden AU, but I believe that they could easily work for the canon universe. I hope you like this as much as I did. 

IMPORTANT: I kept some canon elements that I read in a few posts from interviews to Isayama. //  For obvious reasons, all the characters are 18+. // I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin. // This post does not exhorts the abuse of harmful substances such as alcohol. // English is not my first language, so I appreciate your patience.

Eren Jaeger

Isayama himself has mentioned that Eren has a high tolerance to alcohol. I'd like to respect that fact (although I'm not 100% sure about that since I read it somewhere around internet). I do imagine that Eren is the friend that ends up taking care of everyone when they're totally wasted, but he also finds the time to have fun and drink because he doesn’t really like watching over every single one of his friends or counting all the shots that they take.

His behavior doesn’t really change a lot when wasted. I picture that he might speak a bit higher than usual due the deafening effect of music and alcohol. Also, he takes a bit of time before replying a question, etc.

Apart from that, do not expect him to dance like crazy over some table. He would agree to some karaoke, though. Or even to compete in a videogame/party game if Jean challenges him enough. Usually, Eren likes to keep his cool and watch everyone have a good time. Eren’s a simple man.

In some AU, he would be the designated driver if no one else offers (cough Armin cough), or in case that all his friends are totally wasted. Eren also makes sure that his pals arrive home safely before turning the engine again (so thoughtful, aw). In case that everyone takes a taxi or some uber, Eren would ask them to send a message to their group chat before going to bed just so he’s sure everyone is safe. Even if he knows some of them will forget or fall asleep immediately after arriving home.

Mikasa Ackerman

This girl rarely gets drunk, let me tell you. And not because she doesn’t drink, she drinks a lot. Mostly because she follows Sasha into all she dares her: beerpong, shots, you name it. Even though, Mikasa prefers traditional beer, she’s into trying new things such as different tastes and alcohol levels (she’s fearless). I do imagine that Mikasa realizes she’s drunk when tries to stand from anywhere she was sitting, rather for going to the kitchen for a glass of water or to the toilet (she knows  drinking water is important in order to keep her body hydrated and avoid hangover).

First thing she notices, besides the dizziness, is her face utterly blushed. She smiles almost immediately, Mikasa is more open with her body language albeit her use of words remains limited. She knows how to stay rational.

She’ll never admit how much she enjoys being invited by Sasha to have some drinks. Mikasa’s happy that she’s able to be her partner in beerpong, even if Sasha makes her lose from time to time. Her favorite game secretly is “Never have I ever…” because all her friends end up sharing too much, or some truly funny anecdotes that feed her little laugh (please, protect smiley Mikasa).

Mikasa has been designated driver only a couple of times since she keeps falling asleep after getting wasted. Nevertheless, she never fails into leaving a good night message to her friends when arriving home. Mikasa thinks that’s the perfect way to thank the squad for the great moments they shared.

Like Eren, she prefers casual reunions or stay-in-home parties. But if she’s noticed that the rest will attend to some bar/club she’d rather be there, protecting them (just a little before passing out too).

Armin Arlert

How do I say this politely? Please, keep him away from alcohol. He gets so drunk, so fast it’s almost funny. Definitely, he starts feeling a bit sleepy because he feels so relaxed. But if Armin keeps drinking sure thing, he’ll start feeling more energetic and perky. He’s the first one that gets into the karaoke thing, although he likes to share stories from the books he reads too, Eren is the one that listens to him with the most attention (and soberness).

Armin also laughs a lot being drunk, you could tell him any nonsense and he’ll burst out laughing. Sometimes he also tries to make jokes but fails funnily enough, he can’t make one coherent sentence. That’s a good sign most of the times, for he’s reaching his limits and his friends cut his consumption (which it’s really not that much).

That’s why it’s common that Armin offers himself as designated driver those nights that he might had a beer or two. He’s very responsible when he acknowledges there won’t be a chance to stay the night (for they are partying at a club or a stranger’s house). Armin is used to take his friends till their front door, he might be small, but he wants to be sure everyone will be alright and safe.

Against all odds, he enjoys a bit more of pubs since he became with time, less aloof than his childhood friends. Although, he’s not that meticulous with the remedies against hangover. Giving him the result of headaches for the next 24 hours at least.

Jean Kirstein

Jean has a higher alcohol tolerance, and he even tries to avoid excess of said substances. However, he always fails colossally 80% of occasions. He’s not precisely awkward or a bad drinker, but it’s definitely hard to keep up with his energy and enthusiasm when he’s drunk. Jean’s not the most responsible drinker neither but he manages to stay rational enough. One could say that he becomes more reckless with what he does and says.

…Such as climbing up a table and dancing like crazy. He would absolutely spend most of the night dancing and he’s not bad actually. The thing is, that his ability comes from the drunk effect rather than actual skill. When there’s no music to be heard, he likes to organize the games with Sasha and Connie. Jean also yells a lot more, and he doesn’t admit it but he runs out of patience faster if his friends aren’t excited to follow the flow of the games (we know he refers to Eren most of the times).

Therewith, he keeps his cool and sincere attitude. His friends know that Jean doesn’t need to be drunk to be open and honest, so they trust in his drunken words too. Which leads us to the next point, Jean loves bigger and more elaborated parties. But only because he knows all his friends could engage in activities that they actually enjoy. From screaming and running to keeping it quiet in a sofa.

He doesn’t worry easily, but if someone asks him to take care of them, he will offer his help without trouble (those are the 20% remaining of occasions in which he doesn’t get that drunk). Jean got the designated driver role only one time, for his friends decided that he sucked at following the GPS and spend too much time taking ‘shortcuts’ every three blocks. It would take the rest of the night trying to get to their homes.

Sasha Braus

Like Jean, Sasha has a medium tolerance to alcoholic beverages, but she tends to mess that up when stuffing her mouth with snacks and junk food. She insists in eating before drinking (and after too), so it’s not unusual to watch her running into the bathroom at the middle of the night because of nausea. To everyone's surprise, she has a wide knowledge of different drinks. From the best wines and its respective cuts of meats, to the strangest (and cheapest) mixtures for the sole purpose of getting wasted.

Even in sober state Sasha isn’t shy at all. So, beware for she’s the mastermind behind the party games. Sasha always promises tranquil reunions but deep down everyone knows shit’s getting down every-single-time. She knows the basic games such as beerpong, “never have I ever”, “truth or dare”, and she has a talent at asking the most awkward questions. But her real potential reveals when she dares her friends into weird and dangerous challenges.

Sasha definitely becomes more direct and energetic. She has let her real accent show a few times before and even if she gets a bit embarrassed she’s too drunk to care (Mikasa is the first one that shuts their mouths if they try to make fun of her, canon of they being the best friends ever, yay).

She loves to dance and sing, making a disaster of the house/club they’re partying at. Connie tries to calm her down before anyone else, but fails because just like her, he’s delighted with the jokes and pranks they pull together. Sasha knows that Connie stays close to her in case she’s feeling more dizzy than usual and she’s forever thankful for that. Lastly, she has never offered herself into that designated driver role, and that’s what her friends are thankful for. So, everything’s reciprocal, one could say.

Connie Springer

Connie has just a bit more of tolerance to alcohol. It’s common that Sasha, Jean, and Connie end up drunk at the same time. They laugh when they realize this. The first signal into Connie’s drunk state is him talking about everything that passes through his mind, from conspiracy theories to the most absurd yet profound questions. And finishes his quasi rational speech with bad jokes, although he doesn’t really need alcohol to tell them.

He promises himself every single time that he’ll take care of Sasha but ends up following her into all her dares and extreme games (some of them almost illegal). Connie is the first person than anyone runs to if they want to throw a bigger party. He feels flattered to this, he’s truly popular and a great company to anyone. Seems obvious at this point, but I'll say it anyway: Connie really enjoys club parties.

I already mentioned that Connie gets along with anything that Sasha comes up with. But Connie himself has a repertoire of anecdotes and pranks. He can recommend you the best pubs and the cheapest (and interesting) clubs. He doesn’t admit it, but this also strokes his ego. Maybe he does have some genius in him, at least for these topics.

Connie is also the most chaotic drunk, all he does (or tries to) is funny. He has the craziest anecdotes. Like that time when his friends found him asking for directions to a public trash can, or that one night when he had a fight with Jean because he didn’t accede to shave his head to match with Connie’s. Or Sasha’s favorite, she’d dared him into smelling Eren’s arse for some bet they had about his smell. Mikasa was not happy.

Sincerely, this boy brings life into the parties if he desires so. Howbeit, he got his friends’ backs if they have a problem with aggressive drunken guys. Connie has jumped into fights just so he protects his friends (Armin, more than anyone else due his big-smart mouth). Truth to be told, Connie fights quite good when drunk. His protective side is a wonder, y’all give him lots of love.

[treksickfic]

McCoy requester here again!

I just wanted to tell you that I was over the moon earlier today seeing you had posted the story!!! Gasp!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!! ❤😁

Ever since then, I've been making my way through the workday and the evening chores, anticipating that perfect moment this evening to settle down with a cup of tea and totally savor it!!! Almost there!! 🤗❤

I must confess that I did treat myself to a teaser and read the first sentence - which gave me the most incredible thrill, butterflies, and made my heart melt 😍 I can't wait to read it!!

I also wanted to thank you SO MUCH for your very lovely and kind words about me considering writing. Reading that totally made my day. I've never written before, but discovering the wonderful world of Star Trek fanfiction in the last couple of years has sparked this small flame, burning in the back of my mind. I would love and appreciate any advice on how to start writing for the first time!

Thank you so much again - I'm eagerly awaiting reading about my darling Dr. McCoy later this evening!! ❤

Sorry I am so late in answering this ask, my McCoy nonny! I don't know that I'm any kind of fanfic writing expert but I'll do my best to answer your question about how to start writing for the first time:

It would be easy and also kind of flippant to say, "well, just start writing!" Because I know full well how daunting an empty page or a blank screen can be. When you have an interest in writing and a few ideas, it's intimidating to try to form those ideas into a coherent story. So just keep in mind that your story doesn't have to be coherent at all when you first start.

I wish you could read some of my first drafts. Those drafts are usually big sections of dialogue with "something happens here, I don't know what," interspersed throughout. Going back and filling in the blanks is excruciating, at least for me, but it's also separate from the initial creative process of writing.

So how to start? If you have an idea for a story, sometimes it helps to imagine someone you trust and then pretend you are telling them your story. Don't try to write dialogue or descriptions at this point unless it comes to you easily; just talk it out on your page. Be conversational with it, like you're talking to a friend. But it's important to get something down, because here's a secret about writing:

When you first start writing, those words will not want to come out. They just won't. You'll feel like you've lost complete command of the English language. You'll feel like a hack who has no business trying to write anything at all. But the more you write, the easier it becomes. Trust me on this. Because without sounding super woo about it, when you write, you tap into a creative force in the universe. The more you write, the more you'll want to write and the more joyful it will become for you.

Word sprints help. Word sprints are just setting a timer and putting pen to paper (or fingers on keyboard) and writing without stopping for a set amount of time. At no point do you stop writing even if you're just typing "this is dumb I don't know what to write why am I doing this." Because getting your inner editor out of the way is vital as well. Because the editor will stop you before you even get started.

And whatever you do, do not compare yourself to other writers. We all have a unique voice and our own stories to tell in our own beautiful ways. When you write and finish a story, you will have created a thing where one didn't exist before. That's magical and so much needed in today's world.

I am also going to throw this out to two lovely writers I've met through this blog because they are very talented and immensely kind and encouraging: @scriptrix-eclectica and @greenroseunderglass

I so hope you'll give fanfic writing a try, nonny! And if you ever want to run anything by me or need an encouraging word, you know where to find me.

[mutilatedmadonna]

A Heart To Heart Conversation (Not Literally Jesus Christ Where Did You Even Get That)

YOOOOOO made it with one hour to spare but ya girl still has her submission for the @secret-shifters gift exchange! This is for the lovely and talented @hiddendreamer67 who I was so fucking excited to write for! Also side note, I started a fic before this one but it was taking too long for my taste so I popped out this sucker instead. That being said like............why waste a perfectly good fic.............why not finish it eventually...........and still gift it to her since it’s techinically her prompt lmaoooo

I will go back and edit this post to include the AO3 link when I publish it :3c

Anyways

Warnings: Mild depictions of gore, fearplay; obviously, it’s all I know how to write whoops

Some people are great talkers, others are fantastic listeners. Some listen so well, in fact, they’re willing to destroy a government lab for you.

“Stop, please, I don’t want to hurt you!”

As if Derrick stood a fucking chance against the massive creature that was currently inching closer to him, crouched low to fit within the compound’s hallways. The alarm ringing was making his head pound, an unfortunate addition to his dizziness he’d been overcome with as soon as he saw the first body. Well, bodies. It had wiped out nearly every scientist and researcher in that sector as soon as it was freed from its cage, growling and hissing all the while as it dug its teeth and nails into the panicking humans. How it escaped at all was still a mystery and probably forever would be. As soon as it clawed its way through the protective lockdown doors into gen pop, all hell really broke loose. Guards tried and failed to take it down, hoping to wound the monster at best so that it could be recontained, but even as more backup arrived with heavier artillery, they never stood a chance. It was fast, it was strong, it was pissed, and it seemed to have a taste for blood and bones.

He didn’t know if it had any sort of plan beyond escaping the observational cage it had been trapped in for years, seemingly going into halls and sectors at random to slaughter the hapless scientists seeking refuge. The only reason Derrick had survived this long was simply because he ran and he continued to run. There was no use trying to hide, it was too good at tracking, so instead he did his damnedest to stay ahead of it. It had been working pretty well until he was stopped by the door at the last hall, a dead end to safety potentially. The only problem being his fucking keycard wasn’t high enough clearance to open it. He could hear it getting closer, hear the screams and crunch of bodies and deep growls that echoed all around. His breathing became more ragged the louder the sounds grew, knowing it was just one final turn away from being at the far end of the hall with a straight shot right to Derrick. No, no, no, he didn’t want to die like this. Not at the hands of this beast, not at the hands of...shit, what he thought was almost his friend.

It was his job to observe the creature in its confinement at night and take excruciating notes about every sigh and twitch it might make. It was truly as boring as it sounded, especially when the creature was awake a majority of his shift but only laid on the floor, quiet and still. It looked depressed and Derrick didn’t blame it. It had long since been locked away before he had even started at the organization, subjected to trials and tests day in and day out for hours so that the scientists could jot down these amazing discoveries. He had no idea what they planned on doing with all this data they were collecting given that this whole place was top secret, the creature certainly never meant to see the light of day. Or rather, people were never meant to see the creature. It’d cause mass hysteria. So, one evening, a few hours into the terribly dull silence he started talking aloud. Not to anyone in particular and not about anything exciting, just idle chit chat with the wall, really. 

He never expected the creature to perk up at the sound of his voice, eyeing him curiously as he continued on. He certainly never expected to turn his head back towards the massive bay window to see it sitting much closer than before. Still watching him with wide, yellow eyes and tilting its head when he quickly shut his mouth. It had never moved so close before, hell it never even showed interest in him before beyond a few glances when he’d first enter the small overhanging room. At the same time, it didn’t appear aggressive or annoyed with his mindless ramblings. In fact, when he had stayed quiet for a minute during their staring contest, it chirped at him. Like it was...encouraging him to talk again. So he did, nervously at first before getting back into the flow of whatever random thought he had at the moment. And every time the creature would just sit and listen, its full attention on Derrick, with the occasional dozing off in the midst of his longer topics. He wasn’t sure how much it actually understood him. After all, it never listened to any directions it was given during another trial, but then again that could have just been out of spite and defiance. It didn’t speak English to his knowledge as it had never once given him a reply, but that didn’t mean it didn’t know it.

It never really responded, but there were quite a few times it would react to whatever he was saying. He theorized it was basing most of its assumptions off of whatever emotion he was portraying in his speeches. When he was visibly upset about some incident with Travis down in aquatics, it would whine. When he was excited about some great news he was dying to share with someone, it would chirp. When he was exhausted for one reason or another, unable to keep his eyes open or his stories coherent, it would purr. Almost as if it was trying to lull him to sleep, which it succeeded in every time with its soft white noise. If he were to be honest, he genuinely looked forward to his evening shift just about every day. Derrick could get so much shit out of his head and off his chest without having to worry about what the creature would think about him later. Maybe this was just a trick of the mind, but...it almost seemed just as happy to see him as soon as he would appear in that bay window, immediately twitching its ears up and moving closer.

Clearly, the mutual bond was not reciprocated.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, why the fuck would the creature like him? He was just another human that stared at him for science and soon enough he’d be just another human ground under its palm until his organs burst. Perhaps it just liked hearing the sound of his voice, anything being better than the silence it was constantly surrounded in, or maybe it had always been sizing him up for a snack. He had never written any of these emotional reactions down. He didn’t...well, it was hard to put in the right words, but he just didn’t want his superiors to have that knowledge that could understand feelings for the most part. That it appeared to like him. That it could be docile. Almost like he was trying to protect it from more severe and psychological tests they would surely run. He wondered if things would be different if he actually did report his findings, like if they could have prevented whatever triggered its rage strong enough to rip down doors and walls.

It was creeping closer now, claws clicking along the concrete floor. It was absolutely soaked in blood, especially around its mouth and hands. The way its tail jerked side to side reminded him of an irritated cat, which he didn’t take as a good sign. It wasn’t like Derrick actually had something to protect himself with like he so claimed. His bluff was called in an instant and it made a throaty rumble in response to his threat. It had been difficult to see at a distance with the flashing, red light acting almost as a cheap strobe, but now that it was only a few yards away, he could very clearly tell there was something hanging from its mouth. Something large and dripping and red and oh Christ it was a body. He hoped the poor bastard wasn’t alive anymore for mercy’s sake, firmly clamped between its jaws and impaled on its fangs. Was that a sign of things to come for him? He pressed as much as he could against the lock door in a vain attempt to somehow phase through to the other side and reach safety. With no such luck, he slid down to sit on the floor instead and covered his head with his arms curling in tightly on himself. He was shaking something terrible and tears still managed to find a way to escape his shut eyes. This was never how he imagined he’d meet his end, but either way he didn’t want to see it coming. Maybe if it did like him just a smidge, it would grant him a quick and painless death. He doubted it, though. It sounded like it enjoyed the struggles of its prey far too much.

Derrick could tell when it was hovering right above him. Its shadow engulfed him, blood dripped steadily into a puddle in front of him, spreading out across the floor until it actually touched his shoes. Fuck, he couldn’t help the sob that escaped him. He was scared. Strangely enough, it didn’t...do anything to him as seconds ticked by agonizingly slow. Staring at him, he presumed? Just how it would when there was a safety window between them. Something heavy landed in front of him with a disgusting squish, splattering more blood onto him. When the silence stretched on again, he hesitantly cracked open an eye to see what was supposedly laying at his feet and immediately wished he didn’t.

It was fucking Travis. Or what was left of him, anyways, torn to shreds and missing a few vital chunks from his body. Derrick wanted to throw up, but his throat was already choked up with more panicked cries. He looked away from the corpse, not wanting to take in anymore of the gory details and instead looked at the face of the creature. It didn’t look upset in the slightest, not like how angered it had been dismembering every other unlucky human in its path. Instead, it just stared back at him with those same wide, yellow eyes, tilting its head at Derrick’s lack of reaction. It leaned down to nudge the body closer to him with its nose, pushing it against his legs and rumbling curiously. No, no, no, get it off, get it off!

“S-stop! I don’t fucking w-want it!” He cried, kicking his legs out to shove the remains away from him. What was he supposed to do with it anyways!? Why was it showing off its latest kill, like it was seeking his approval, like it--

...like it did it for him.

The night before last, he and Travis got into it again in the break room. He was already pissed about being transferred to the division the creature was in and leaving his previous work behind. It could have been because Derrick happened to be the only one there or because he was one of the younger hires, the asshole decided to take his frustration out on him instead. Snide comments turned into full on insults and all Derrick wanted was some goddamn coffee before he clocked out. Waiting for the machine to finish brewing wasn’t worth it at this point, he could pick up a cup somewhere else on the way home. He tried to leave, but Travis blocked the doorway and he, not being in the fucking mood, tried to shoulder past him instead. It was very much not appreciated as the next thing he knew he was being pinned against the wall, the lapels of his coat clenched in his fist. He was absolutely ready to throw hands with this guy before he backed off suddenly, another coworker entering the break room with a cheery greeting and total obliviousness.

Maybe he should have told his superiors about the incident, but he chose instead to vent about it to the creature the next night. As soon as he mentioned when it got physical, its ears flatten back and it growled, though Derrick was too consumed by his own emotions to really care about its apparent threat display. After that was when it had clawed its way to freedom and started its rampage. That...that couldn’t have been what set it off though, right? There had to be other catalysts surely. However, it didn’t change the fact how eagerly it was presenting the mauled corpse of his aggressor, almost as if to say look! For you!

Did that mean...it really did understand him? It understood enough that Travis had tried to attack him and he was not his biggest fan right now. He had been really worked up during that little rant, too, probably making it sound worse than it actually was. Either way, it didn’t like that and took matters into its own hands. Or, mouth rather. This must be its interpretation of protecting him, killing the threat before it could strike again. Good thing he wasn’t one to usually bad mouth coworkers or the creature possibly could have had its massacre sparked by Derrick being mildly annoyed that Sarah always forgot to clean out the coffee filter when she was done.

The creature looked at the body as it was kicked back towards it, whining slightly. Was it upset that he didn’t accept its gracious tribute? That wouldn’t start another fit of anger, would it? He thought it just might when he scoot forward those remaining few injuries to press its face against Derrick’s trembling body. Its bloody mouth transferred an unfortunate amount of gore onto his clothing, but he had other things to worry about, like how close its fucking mouth full of fangs was to his more important organs. The nose buried into his chest rubbed gently, trailing up his neck and to the side of his head. Purrs rumbled with each quiet breath, taking care not to accidentally deafen him. He still cried out when the creature invaded his personal space, though he didn’t have much room to struggle as he was pinned between the door and the face. He whimpered regardless, trying to turn his head to avoid being nuzzled and ultimately failing.

If he thought the impromptu cuddling was bad, he was in for a worse shock when the creature pulled back just a hair, foolishly thinking that it finally had its fill of smelling him or scenting him or what the fuck ever. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy, not when a black tongue darted out from smiling lips to lick him from his stomach to the crown of his head in one, quick swipe. Now that made him actually scream out some sort of pathetic, strangled sound, squirming about as he was lapped again and again and again.

“N-no, don’t, p-please!” He begged uselessly, “D-don’t kill m-me, please, p-please, don’t e-eat me!”

Much to his surprise, the creature actually pulled away from him after that last remark, tilting its head questioningly again. While Derrick was in the middle of his panic attack, doing his damnedest to keep his cries from becoming too harsh, it crossed its arms and rested its head on them, watching as he tried to collect himself to no avail. When it seemed like he was starting to slip deeper into his episode, it started to purr. Quiet and soft, a nice noise to help drown out that increasingly annoying siren. And the worst part was that he really was actually starting to calm down. Not that he liked being so scared he couldn’t breathe, but it was the sheer fact that it was the creature bringing him comfort when it was the one who terrified him in the first place. His sobs quieted down after a few minutes and when they were ragged breaths instead, it started to chitter. Little chirps and purrs and throaty noises he could only assume were directed at him since that’s where it was staring so intently, though the sounds meant nothing to him. Was that how it felt when he used to talk to it for hours on end?

Was it trying to talk to him to soothe him, because him talking to it made it feel relaxed?

He supposed their time together was a much needed break from being poked and prodded and tested and it started to associate Derrick with that mini luxury. The talking probably gave it a sense of company considering he had no fucking clue if and where other members of its species resided. Maybe this friendship wasn’t as one sided as he thought. Maybe it cared so much about the stupid little human that would blather his entire shift that it was willing to rip the facility inside out just to get rid of his bully. One by one his muscles started to uncoil their tension until he was sagging against the door. His breathing was still labored, but he could at least get a steady breath through his nose rather than his gasping mouth. A minute tremor in his hands was all that was left of his previous quivering and his headache was now replaced with a cloudy exhaustion. The creature was still making its imitation noises, only tapering off when Derrick managed to raise his head up and look at it.

“You won’t hurt me...will you?” His voice was so small and weak, it was a good thing the creature had fairly strong hearing.

It responded by bumping its nose into his chest again, smiling all the while. Affection. It liked him. Hesitantly, he raised a hand and gingerly placed it on the creature’s cheek, giving it a tiny pat.

“...you...you know we’re fucked when the army comes...right?” They were a last resort when all other failsafes went south and had yet to be deactivated. It wasn’t their job to find and help survivors, it was their job to make sure nothing about this event was leaked into the public. Be it the experiment itself or scientists who could potentially blackmail the directors.

It shifted to push itself back into a crouched position, lowering towards him with its mouth open. He flinched and turned away which seemed to be exactly what it wanted, clamping down on the back of his shirt and jacket and narrowly missing giving his back a nasty scrape. Derrick all but squeaked in surprise when he felt himself be lifted up, dangling a few dozen feet in the air. It was like he had the same POV as the creature, watching its hands paw at the locked door until claws were able to scratch through the metal in large gouges. Wiring and mechanics were exposed as a result and with a little more tearing and pulling, it opened the entry wide enough for it to slip through, Derrick in tow. Huh. Guess keycards we’re always a necessity. 

He hadn’t the faintest idea where they were headed, but it seemed like the creature had a general sense of direction and so far it was taking the correct route to the surface, to outside. For the moment, he didn’t have a single thing to say and simply let himself sway with the creature’s gait. Its intentions with him after they escaped into the world above were pretty vague at best, but he couldn’t really find the energy to care right now. As long as the military hadn’t beaten them to the exit, they’d be fine. 

They could talk later about their really unconventional future later.

[yukinojou]

I already squeed quite a bit on Twitter, but turns out my Shadow and Bone thoughts demand longform. So that was a 40+ tweet thread or using my Tumblr for an original post for once.

I was wary about the Shadow and Bone adaptation the way I'm usually wary about good books being adapted onscreen. It was amplified because my actual favourites are the Six of Crows books, and because the American-based movie complex has a bad track record of doing anything based on Eastern Europe. 8 episodes in 3 days should tell you how much I loved it - the moment I finished, I wanted more.

First, the technical praise:

Damn but the plotting is tight. It took me a while to realised it's based on heist movie bones, where every little thing (The Freaking Bullet!) is important. The story fulfills its promises and manages not to bore at the same time - it delights by the way they're fulfilled. I called out a few plot developments moments before they happened, and I was happy about it. Such a joy after so many series where "not doing what viewers expect" led to plot holes and lack of sense. It might be an upside to the streaming model after all.

From a dramatic point of view I can tell all the reasons for all the changes, especially providing additional outsider points of view on Ravka (Crows) and letting viewers see Mal for themselves the way he only comes across in later books.

Speaking of which, this is a masterclass in rewriting a story draft. SaB was Bardugo's first, and having read later books you can really see where she didn't quite dare to break the YA rules yet, especially Single POV that necessitated a tight focus on Alina's often negative feelings rather than the big picture and a triangle that felt a bit forced. The world in the series is so much bigger, the way Bardugo could finally paint it when SaB success gave her more creative freedom, and some structural choices feel familiar too. It's a combination of various choices by crew and cast, but the end result meshes together so tightly and naturally.

Visuals! Especially the war parts because Every Soviet Movie Ever, but also the clothes (I would kill for Nina's blouse in the bar), the jewelry, the interiors. The stag was so very beautiful. And a deep commitment to a coherent aesthetic for each character and setting.

Look, you can do a serious fantasy series with colours! Both skin colours and bright sets and clothing! And all scenes were well lit enough to know what's going on, even in the Fold!

Representation (aka I Am Emotion)

To start with: I was born behind the Iron Curtain, in the last years of the Cold War. The Curtain was always permeable to some extent, and we have always been aware that while we have talented artists of our own, we never had the budgets and polish of the Anglosphere Entertainment Machine. So we watched a hell of a lot of American visual storytelling especially because yeah, you can tell we don't have the budgets. 90s and 2000s especially, it's getting better now.

In American stories, the BEST case scenario for Eastern European representation is the Big Dumb Pole, the ethnic stereotype Americans don't even notice they use, where the punchline is that his English is bad or that he grew up outside Anglo culture. Other than that, it's criminals, beggars, sex trafficking victims, refugees. Sure, we may look similar (except we really really don't, not if you're raised here and see the distinct lack of all those long-jawed Anglo faces), but we are not and have never been the West, never mind America. It's probably better for younger people now, but I was raised under rationing and passport bans. Star Trek and Beverly Hills 90210 were exactly as foreign to me.

The first ever character I really identified with was Susan Ivanova in Babylon 5 (written by J. Michael Straczynski, yay behind-camera representation). This was a Russian Jewish woman very much in charge, in the way of strong women I know so well, not taking any bullshit, not repressing her feminity. I recognised her bones, she could be my cousin. The sheer relief of it. There have been few such occasions since.

The reason I picked up Shadow and Bone in the first place was recommendations from other Polish people. I've had no problems finding representation in Eastern European books because wow our scene is strong in SFF especially, but it's always a treat to find a book in English that gets it. And Leigh gets it, the bones of our culture, and I could even look past the grammar issue (dear gods and Americans, Starkova for a woman, Morozov for a guy) that really irked me because of the love for the setting and the characters, the weaving in of religion/mysticism (we never laicisized the same way as the West, natch), the understanding of how deep are the scars left in a nation at war for centuries. The books are precious to me, they and Arden's Winternight and Novik's Spinning Silver.

To sum up: Shadow and Bone the Netflix series gets it. You can tell just how much they've immersed themselves in Eastern European culture and media, it comes across so well in visuals and writing and characters. Not just the obvious bits (though the WWII propaganda posters gave me a giggle), but the palaces, the additional plotlines and characters, the costumes, the attitudes. About the only thing missing in the soldier scenes was someone singing and/or quoting poetry.

I will blame the Apparat's lack of beard on filming in a non-Orthodox country. Poland's Catholic too, but I very much imagined him as an Orthodox patriarch, possibly because I read the books shortly after a visit to Pecherska Lavra in Kiev and the labyrinthine holy catacombs there. Small quibble, not my religion, not my place to speak.

(I've seen discussion on the issues with biracial representation in the show, which is visceral and apparently based on bad experiences of one of the show writers in a way that's caused pain to other Asian and biracial people. I'm not qualified to speak on those parts, other that Eastern Europe is... yeah. Racist in subtly different ways. If anything, the treatment of the Suli as explained in Six of Crows always read so very true of the way Roma are treated, and even sanitised.)

And now for the spoiler-filled bits:

Kaz and Inej. I mean... just THEM. So many props to the actors, the writers, the bloody goat.

I adore the fact the only people who get to have sex in the show are Jesper and a very lucky stablehand.

Ben Barnes needs either an award or a kick. The man's acting choices and puppy eyes are as epic as his hair.

So Much Love for Alina initiating the kiss. Her book characterisation makes sense, she's so trapped in her own head because she has no time to process everything that's happening, but grabbing life by the lapels is a much more active choice. Still not making the relationship equal, but closer to it.

Speaking of, Kaz's constant awareness of how unequal his relationship with Inej is, and attempts to give her agency. I'm really curious how his touch issues come across to someone who doesn't know the backstory there.

Feodor and his actor. He looks exactly like the pre-war heartthrob Adolf Dymsza, a specific upper-class Polish ethnic type that's much rarer now that, well, Nazis killed millions of Polish intellectuals in their attempt to reduce us to unskilled labour only. The faces he makes are the Best.

Nina!! Nina is perfect, those cheekbones, that cheek, I was giggling myself silly half the time. I cannot wait to see Danielle Galligan take on the challenge of Nina's plotline in Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom, she'll kill us dead.

I already mentioned that the writers fixed Mal's absence from the first book, but Mal in general! The haircut gives him a kind of rugby charm, and Archie Renaux is outstanding at emoting without talking. Honestly, all the casting in this series is inspired, but him in particular.

Extra bonus: Howard Charles and Luke Pasqualino playing so very much against the type of the swaggering Musketeers I saw them play last. Arken dropping the mask at the end... Howard Charles is love.

I can't believe not only was Milo's bullet a plot point, but the fact Alina was wearing a particularly sparkly hair ornament in a long series of beautiful hair ornaments was a plot point.

In conclusion: so much love, and next three season NOW please. Okay, give me a week to reread the books, and an extra day because new Murderbot drops tomorrow...

[woozapooza]

Hey wait a minute! I just realized something!

Ishmael in chapter 1, “Loomings”: “I cannot tell why it was exactly that those stage managers, the Fates, put me down for this shabby part of a whaling voyage [...] cajoling me into the delusion that it was a choice resulting from my own unbiased freewill and discriminating judgment.” 

Ahab in chapter 132, “The Symphony”: “By heaven, man, we are turned round and round in this world, like yonder windlass, and Fate is the handspike.”

I’ve thought a ton about fate in Moby Dick, and it’s something I reaaaally want to say more about in the future, but for now I just have to draw attention to this little parallel that just occurred to me. Both of our two main guys proclaim that their lives are not their own, that their actions were engineered by Fate(s). Oddly, I think that for both of them, this rejection of their own agency is actually a way of taking back a smidgen of control, or rather of the illusion of control. For Ishmael, it’s preferable to believe that he was destined, for some unknown but undoubtedly important purpose, to experience the most traumatic thing he’s presumably ever experienced than to believe that both his involvement with the Pequod and his survival came down to simple, meaningless luck. For Ahab, it’s preferable to believe that "the path to [his] fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon [his] soul is grooved to run” (as he says—or as Ishmael imagines he says, if you prefer to think about it that way—in chapter 37, “Sunset”) than to acknowledge that his reckless, pointless quest for vengeance is a choice. And in fact, that choice is, in turn, a way of regaining a sense of control in the aftermath of his experience of awful vulnerability in the face of the whale. Both of these guys come face to face with the "vague, nameless horror” (chapter 42, “The Whiteness of the Whale”) the whale seems to them to represent and seek refuge in the idea that their actions in this horrifying, chaotic world aren’t their own. In reality, this is nonsense. They, like everyone, choose their own actions. And the whale doesn’t really symbolize anything, but that’s a story for another post.

The major difference between the two quotes above is that Ishmael is looking back and imposing coherence on events that didn’t really mean anything—he’s narrativizing, to use a handy literary word I learned in the class I had to take my junior year of college as a requirement for majoring in English, in which I had to read some literature I really did not enjoy such as Ulysses and some theory/criticism that went totally over my head but “narrativity” is one of the few concepts we discussed that made sense to me. Ahab, on the other hand, is looking ahead, justifying the path he’s currently on—a path from which Starbuck, catching him at an opportune moment, very nearly swayed him. Honestly, I think the very fact that a combination of his own regrets and Starbuck’s influence came so close to getting Ahab to see sense is what accounts for Ahab’s sudden, dramatic reversion to his “iron rails” philosophy. At that point, there’s a huge element of sunk cost fallacy going on. It’s not just the three or so years he’s spent obsessing over Mr. Dick weighing on him, it’s the forty years he’s spent in the whaling industry. Forty miserable years, and he’s worse off now than when he started. Ahab feels powerless—I mean, he’s a captain, but that’s power over other people, not power over his own life—and chasing the whale allows him to fight that feeling. But if he were to acknowledge that he chooses to chase the whale, then he’d have to acknowledge that it’s just a mechanism for coping with his lack of power. So in order not to feel powerless, he has to pretend that he is powerless. Wow, this guy is messed up. AU where Ahab has a support system and maybe a therapist. Anyway, Ishmael’s case is different because he really did not have as much control over what happened to him and his crewmates as Ahab did. He was just a random guy on the crew. So Ahab invokes Fate to dodge accountability for the few things in his life he can control, whereas Ishmael invokes the Fates to convince himself that there was some reason underlying a series of events that would otherwise be both tragic and meaningless. But it is, fundamentally, the same strategy for coping with existence.

Oh hey, there’s another interesting thing: Ishmael conceives of himself as a minor but ultimately essential player in a cohesive story, whereas Ahab doesn’t suggest that there’s any grand purpose to the path he’s on (at least not as far as I remember, but I could be forgetting something). That’s sort of counterintuitive, because Ishmael is so content to fade into the background, whereas Ahab is generally—there’s really no nice way of saying this, but I promise I’m saying it with a heavy dose of empathy—obsessed with his own issues. But then, I guess Ishmael perceives the Fates acting on him from the outside, moving him around like a chess piece by presenting “springs and motives” to him, whereas Ahab sees his own soul as having been shaped by fate. The latter is definitely more self-centered than the former. Again, that sounds harsh, but I swear I’m not saying Ahab thinks too highly of himself or whatever. On the contrary, I think Ishmael seems to have a much healthier sense of self-esteem than Ahab does. Sad face.

Ishmael and Ahab are so very different, which is what makes it so interesting to note the things they have in common. But then, once you’ve noted a commonality, the really interesting part is looking a little deeper and noticing where the commonality breaks down...and then the really REALLY interesting part is noticing where it doesn’t break down even upon close inspection.

Side note, I think it’s very on-brand that Ishmael uses a theatrical metaphor for Fate and Ahab uses a nautical one.

[teaboot]

Not to be that person but if someone doesn't want to date anyone, for whatever reason, they don't have to, you're not discriminating against anyone because they happen to not be part of your dating pool as far as you respect their rights and identities

Bluuuuuuuuh okay so this may or may not be a longass post depending on how coherently I can translate the concept in my brain into English words, so apologies in advance.

Okay, so if a dude comes up to me and asks me out, I can say 'no thank you'. That's a thing I am 100% within my rights to do. It doesn't matter if I'm attracted to him or if I'm not attracted to him or if I think he smells bad and it turns me off, it's not important. I am allowed to say no to the king of France, I can say no to Joe Shmoe at the liquor store.

A step further is HOW I say no. Do I say, "no thank-you", or do I say, "ew, no, your face is gross"? One of these answers is polite and concise; the other, no matter how true to me, is something they're going to have to live with. 

For the rest of their life, every romantic interest they pursue, they're going think of that person who told them they were too ugly, and they're going to be ashamed or insecure or embarrassed. Maybe they'll shrug it off eventually, but maybe they won't. Either way, is that the impression of yourself you want to leave on people?

Now the fun question: what if he's a trans guy?

Once again, you can say no. For any reason at all, you can say no. Maybe you aren't attracted to him, maybe he has bad breath, maybe you're new to the concept of gender identity and your fear of somehow fucking up and hurting him is getting in the way right now. For any of these reasons you can say no! But you DON'T GET TO MAKE IT THEIR PROBLEM. 

Saying no-thanks to a trans woman because you aren't attracted to her? Totally fine. 

Telling her "NO, I DON'T LIKE DICK"- that's real sweet. That's something she has to walk away with, now- every time she meets someone she likes and wants to get to know, that person's first thought is going to be about her genitals. She'll never be good enough for anyone because all anyone cares about is her junk.

You're not interested in a trans person? Cool, you don't have to be.

You're not interested in a trans person because you haven't made peace with the reality of trans identities? Obviously not great, but sure, take the time to figure things out.

You've never been interested in someone you knew to be trans, and announce "I NEVER WANT TO DATE A TRANS PERSON"? That's a different statement. That's saying, "There is one defining characteristic that makes all trans people the same, and it's something I find repulsive!" And- Surprise!- THAT is Transphobic. Which is, at it's barest bones- say it with me now- MAKING IT SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM.

And imagine, if you will, dating a lady for a few weeks. She's clever, funny, beautiful, kind- you're head over heels for her, until the very first time you have sex, and you see her vagina. And you think to yourself, "that's an ugly vagina", and break up with her.

If that was a deal breaker for you? Who gives a shit. Some would say it's a bit shallow, but so.long as things break off amicably, life will move on without anybody getting hurt.

Same situation, but you tell her "I can't be with someone who has an ugly vagina!"... Jesus fucking Christ, my guy. What the Fuck. Why the fuck would you tell her that? What on earth made you think your personal aesthetic preferences were more important than her sense of self worth? You entitled jackass. Who died and made you Empirical Minister Of Visually Pleasing Hoo-Has? Why would you SAY that to someone??

Same situation, but she's trans. "This isn't working out for me"? Sure. "I don't know anything about this subject, I don't want to move forwards until I know more"? Hard, but not cruel. "Bye honey, shlongs gross me out"??? WHAT KIND DICKBAG ARE YOU????

And that's kind of what gets me on "Can I say I'm not attracted to genderfluid people?". Because, like... I'd never tell a lesbian, "oh, you aren't attracted to men? Have you met every man on the planet? Sure, sweetie" because, like... Cis men are men all the time. You're attracted to women, whatever. Cool.

But someone who DOES experience attraction to men tells me, "Oh, I'd never DATE one!"- Then I'm sketched out. Because, like.... Why? What do you think all men have in common? You didn't say you weren't attracted to them, just that you'd never date one.

"Oh, I could NEVER date a trans man!"... Why...? The only thing I can conclude is that you're boiling down everything they are to a set of genitals, at which point, fuck, they're probably happier without you.

And by the way, how often do you hear, "UGH, I could NEVER date a CIS woman"? Think about that one for a sec. How does that one feel to a cis lady? Probably pretty shitty. Imagine hearing that from someone you have a crush on. Do you feel outraged? Embarrassed? Maybe you feel disgusting, like someone you admire is repulsed by your body.

Fucking *Ouch,* huh?

SO. Easy rules for not being a dick:

1. If you want to turn someone down, you can, no matter what your reasons are. BUT YOU DO BOT HAVE TO SHARE THOSE REASONS.

2. Their hang-ups are not your responsibility, but YOURS AREN'T THEIRS, EITHER. DO NOT tell someone you can't date them because they look like your mom, just say no and move on! DO NOT tell someone you don't want to have sex because you think their feet are gross, just say no! DO NOT bring up someone's voice or hair or eyes or genitalia, JUST SAY NO! TELLING SOMEONE YOU LIKE THEM IS HARD. BE POLITE, MOTHER FUCKERS.

3. Maybe you're already dating someone you like, and you discover new information that you weren't expecting. Maybe they're trans, maybe they had a hysterectomy, maybe they have a tattoo or a kid or a criminal record, maybe they wear a wig or have a disability or have a rubber duck fetish. Whatever it is, it's an emotional topic and you need space to process. Good! Think things out! If that ends it for you, okay, but none of these things makes someone a bad person or an ugly person or unworthy of love! Don't make them feel that way. Again, your hangups are on you, not them.

4. The next time you go to say something like, "I'd never date a trans guy", or, "I'd never date a black girl", or, "I'd never date a disabled person"- Stop, and think about why you feel that way. What is it about this group of people that you don't like? Is it a real reason, or a stereotype? Is it an aesthetic reason, and if so, don't try to dismiss is as "that's just how I feel". There's a reason. Keep digging for that reason, and once you find it, figure out if it's a belief you want to hold onto. Always ask yourself "why?". Never let yourself fall into the belief that any group is worthy of wholesale dismissal.

5. Breathe. Stay calm. You're not a bad person. Society has programmed us with a lot of biases- it's not your fault you have them, but it isn't a free pass to remain ignorant and hurt others. Be gentle with yourself, but be willing to reflect on your feelings and behaviors and rein in the ones that are harmful. No matter your feelings, at least be kind. We're all trying our best, and we all just want to be loved. Keep that in mind.

Anyhow, that's just my two cents. I hope this wasn't too winding or rambly, I'm still working out my thoughts on the matter myself. Being genderfluid doesn't make me an expert on trans issues, and I certainly don't have the experience to speak further.

If there are any corrections to be made, please let me know. Always learning!

Please take care.

[grandhotelabyss]

Above we have the literary scandal of the hour. See the thread for plentiful examples. Our exponent of long-lived wisdom has swiped from Tweets and academic monographs and from writers clear across the ideological spectrum. 

Everyone’s made the same joke by now, ironically. Did they steal it from each other or did it come into their heads simultaneously and spontaneously? The joke: plagiarism is Lindy, literary originality a newfangled and unworkable invention of modern individualism, capitalist proprietorship, etc. As I’ve written before, I have always had trouble with the concept of plagiarism, a trouble common to writers not so much of a certain generation as of a certain era, let’s say post-1968 (“The Ecstasy of Influence” comes to mind). To quote myself from that earlier post,

It’s also a bit absurd for academics in the field of literary studies, which has spent several generations now not only arguing against but positively stigmatizing the idea that individual creativity could be the source of textual production, to get so uptight when their budding author-functions spontaneously concur with Barthes that “a text is made of multiple writings.” Now I doggedly suspect that individual creativity might really be the font of good writing and good art, and I suspect, moreover, that the other way of thinking (i.e., Barthes/Foucault), which sounded so emancipatory in its time, actually heralded new forms of control. A wise Marxist once contended, on a now-defunct website, that such avant-garde artworks as Duchamp’s Fountain and Cage’s 4’33’’ were models for corporate proprietorship, enclosing and capitalizing other people’s material labor (in Duchamp’s case) or other people’s very being and presence (in Cage’s) as the corporate monopolies would come to enclose and capitalize more and more of our common life—as, for instance, the papers students submit to their instructors for grading, now processed and analyzed by for-profit companies that license surveillance software to schools.

(I’ve never understood the ethics of self-plagiarism. Academics do it all the time. It seems misnamed. The real crime, if there is one, isn’t stealing from yourself, whatever metaphysical mystery that would involve, but defrauding your readers by reselling the same goods under different labels.) 

While we’re quoting Dr. Johnson, often called the greatest literary critic in English, he proposed broad lenience toward authors accused of “imitation,” on the grounds that, since we’re all describing the same reality and educated in the same tradition—perhaps a touching 18th-century article of faith—we’re bound to make the same observations. 

So that in books which best deserve the name of originals, there is little new beyond the disposition of materials already provided; the same ideas and combinations of ideas have been long in the possession of other hands; and, by restoring to every man his own, as the Romans must have returned to their cots from the possession of the world, so the most inventive and fertile genius would reduce his folios to a few pages. Yet the author who imitates his predecessors only by furnishing himself with thoughts and elegancies out of the same general magazine of literature, can with little more propriety be reproached as a plagiary, than the architect can be censured as a mean copier of Angelo or Wren, because he digs his marble from the same quarry, squares his stones by the same art, and unites them in the columns of the same orders.

But “disposition of materials” is everything: that’s the proper arena for invention and originality. Stealing another writer’s “disposition” merits censure, as Johnson continues:

No writer can be fully convicted of imitation, except there is a concurrence of more resemblance than can be imagined to have happened by chance; as where the same ideas are conjoined without any natural series or necessary coherence, or where not only the thought but the words are copied.

My emphasis. Many writers of solider literary ethics than the Lindster are paranoid about plagiarism: what if I steal without knowing it? Have I unconsciously borrowed this excellent turn of phrase from a novel I read 10 years ago? But I console myself that the ethics are a bit different for strictly literary writing, as long as you don’t take it too far: the repetition of someone else’s phrase in a novel or other creative venture could always be classed an homage or allusion rather than a theft. 

Then there’s Johnson’s “general magazine of literature” (“magazine” in this archaic usage meaning an armory), which has its own dangers. I’ve got the Gilmore Girls Thanksgiving marathon playing here in the background, and I think of the episode where Rory’s editor at the Yale Daily News charges her with plagiarism for using stock phrases like “rain-soaked highway” and “herd mentality” in an article. For viewers retrospectively scanning the series for evidence that Rory was doomed from the start never to fulfill her vaunted and precocious promise, her apparently lavish undergraduate abuse of what we might call not plagiarism but cliché is a bad sign.

I always thought Skallas’s range of reference was suspiciously broad, anyway, for someone who describes himself as only having four hours a day to spare, and I’m glad to learn that wasn’t just my resentment talking.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 267: My Name Is

Previously on BnHA: Hawks stabbed Twice in the back of the head. Twice stabbed another guy in the back of the head. Everyone’s just running around stabbing or being stabbed. I should probably clarify that Twice actually died, because this is a shounen manga, so sometimes you have to clarify that this particular stabbing was actually fatal. Not just one of those flesh wound stabbings. Anyway so it was super sad, and now Dabi’s gonna face off with the sexy scarred murderous Hawks, and Toga and Compress are also going to be feeling a bit stabby after all this probably, and so that’s the general mood here I guess. I kind of need a break now so I’m wondering if we’re gonna cut to any of the kids. Because if we stick around Horikoshi may actually have to give us Dabi flashbacks. God forbid.

Today on BnHA: Tokoyami has a flashback to when Hawks told him he’s weak to being set on fire. This terrible thought weighs on his mind as he and the other lads and lasses of U.A.’s child soldier vanguard are escorted away from the battle via Fatgum and his absolute goat of a quirk. Dabi is all “:D you killed Twice, I’m gonna set you on fire repeatedly now” and Hawks is all “ffff no that’s my weakness also WHO ARE YOU” and WE GET SOME HAWKS FLASHBACKS?! and then Dabi is all “:DDDDDD [CENSORED]” and it’s literally fucking censored fuck my life. but also !!! because he actually fucking said it, though?? He really went and revealed it just like that?? And now Hawks knows, and he’s all shocked, and Dabi goes to kill him afterwards but TOKOYAMI IS ALL “ON YOUR LEFT!!!!” and OH SHIT. Also Endeavor saves Miruko so DOUBLE OH SHIT. Oh my god. I’m sorry this summary is all over the place but I can barely type a coherent sentence now so just TAKE THESE EXCLAMATION POINTS AND GO!!! SPREAD THE WORD. BE FREE.

everyone before we begin I would just like to tell you about my discovery this week. I learned that when I type the word “Dabi” on my phone the next word that the keyboard predicts is “flashbacks.” google keyboard is on to me. so now the FBI and the CIA and whoever else google is selling all my data to all know. I can only imagine. “she seems to spend an inordinate amount of time talking about ‘Dabi flashbacks.’ what’s a Dabi.” I’ll tell you what a Dabi is. it’s a guy whose fucking flashbacks we never fucking get that’s what

anyway so let’s read this chapter whose spoiler tags have already been filling up my dashboard, which is always a good sign. who will die this week? Horikoshi please have mercy on us in light of recent real life global events. maybe you can just have everyone abruptly decide that they are all done fighting and want to go home

-- GOD BLESS US EVERYONE

who could have known, years ago when the very first mangaka was drawing the very first color page, that this medium would one day soar to such great heights. who could have imagined that we would one day be witness to this masterwork, this magnificent fucking triumph of a colored manga page. holy shit. I will cherish this always

for real you all think I’m joking but I genuinely don’t want to scroll down lol. let’s just stay with Miruko forever. where it is safe. and sexy. goddammit

OH SURE, THEY GIVE US HAWKS FLASHBACKS

anyways but lol

guys. we’ve been over this. fire is everyone’s weakness. just. I’m not quite sure people like Hawks and Kamui Woods actually grasp that. do they think normal people catch on fire and they’re just “oh, this is actually all right.” also, side note kids, please don’t use this answer if this ever comes up during a job interview

wow

what a gamechanging plan of action. don’t catch on fire. Toko write that down

WOW

you guys. YOU GUYS. IT GOT BETTER

who could have known, years ago when the very first mangaka was drawing the very first gag panel, that this format would one day ascend to such lofty summits. who could have envisaged that we would one day behold such a showpiece, such a grand fucking slam of a joke panel in a shounen manga

anyway Horikoshi sure does love his English portmanteaus. I’m kind of stunned by how great this is you guys. but getting back to more serious observations, all I can say is thank fucking god somebody is actually thinking of the children! nothing terrible had better happen to them or I swear!!

so Fatgum is explaining that the plan was to have them use their respective quirks to help take out a bunch of bad guys at once, and that the grown-ups will now proceed to rope them all in and capture them. and dammit, I was trying to avoid having to post the panel because it takes forever if I post a lot of them, but I just noticed Mt. Lady over there stomping fools in the background and so now I have no choice

A+ chapter so far you guys. 5 stars. keep it up

one-and-a-half year-old Kaminari Denki has already fallen asleep. he wishes he could live there. I wish I had the words to adequately convey how utterly delighted I have been by this entire “everyone rides around in Fatgum’s belly” mini-arc, which is now my favorite part of the entire series (as always with the exception of “Dear Midoriya I’m really sorry”)

and I also just really love the timing of it?? right after the “here’s that angst you ordered” emotional sobfest of the last chapter, we’re taking a quick break to cut back to the Fatgum Express (excuse me, Fataxi) just to keep things from getting too heavy. this is such an important balance to strike. please don’t let this arc get too dark, Horikoshi

oh shit

right, Dabi?? but I’ve had an entire week to process my feelings about it and I’m more or less good now! how are you

not particularly great, then

and also, fuck. so Horikoshi was gracious enough not to show Twice’s murdered body even though he confirmed he was indeed killed (so apologies to anyone who was still holding out hope. it sucks but at least we’ve got closure). first he cuts off the bottom of the panel, and then he has Dabi literally cremate him on the fucking spot. there’s really going to be nothing left at all of him or any of the clones. I’m just gonna sit here and try not to think about that or else I’ll get sad all over again

anyway, so also Hawks’s wings have been totally incinerated now it looks like, and he’s just barely yeeting himself out of the way with whatever he’s got left

boy this is getting rough

love how Horikoshi is avoiding showing Dabi’s face!! that was sarcasm by the way because I don’t love it! he pulls this shit all the time with Bakugou too! show us their emotions dammit!

anyway. how kind of Dabi to stomp out Hawks’s flames for him like that. you see. they’re still friends

HOLY SHIT

APPARENTLY IT IS??? I GUESS WE ALL GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY LMAO. SOME PEOPLE GET SAD AND CRY AND OTHERS JUST GET REALLY SCARY AND CRAZY

like. not to nitpick or anything, but your tear glands are actually located above your eyes. maybe he means his tear ducts. also I’m not a doctor or anything and I can barely name like three bones actually so maybe I should just shut up!

anyways though, out of courtesy let’s just take Dabi at his word that grinning like a deranged lunatic is a perfectly normal response to watching your friend get murdered by your sexy archenemy. who is to say

and what exactly is your dream again? to make Stain’s will a reality or something like that? so purging the world of false heroes I guess?

DAMMIT DABI FIRE IS HIS WEAKNESS

most people would at least scream, wouldn’t they? Hawks??? does that not hurt??!

DSFKJSL:DKGHLSDKGHL

no!! I won’t be fooled!! Horikoshi and Dabi flashbacks is like Wile E. Coyote and painting a fake tunnel onto a cliffside! don’t be conned by his deceitful forced perspective!

LOL YOU SEE

apparently this man really will do anything to keep us from getting a Dabi flashback, even if that means giving us Hawks flashbacks instead lmao. WELL SHOOT. OH DARN. POOR US. WE’LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE try not to look too happy guys he can sense satisfaction

anyway so here’s baby Hawks

okay, so -- does fandom still hate Hawks. like, I haven’t checked the bnha tag much since this weekend so I don’t know if the general consensus is still “yeah he’s cancelled” or if we’re cooling down at all yet? anyway so I apologize if liking Hawks is still A Wrong Thing To Do, but just fyi he’s still adopted and I haven’t unadopted him and I love him unconditionally even though he’s in timeout. and so now that Baby Hawks has appeared to rival all other Baby Characters (BABY YODA WATCH YOUR SIX!!) with his lil wings and his Endeavor plush and his quiet lil nodding head, I just need you all to know that I would die for him without hesitation and that’s just how it is friends

(ETA: also, jesus christ. “Keigo-kun, you can say goodbye to your name from now on!" I’m surprised they didn’t assign him a fucking number. what the fuck. time for some grueling training, lab rat #184. better get ready. jesus. he’s like 7.)

sdlkfjLSDGHOSIDFOIOOIIO

THE MAN THAT -- WHAT. WELL HOT DAMN, TAKAMI THEORISTS! GO ON AND GIVE YOURSELVES A BIG PAT ON THE BACK. YOU EARNED IT.

snap. gotta calm down. too much hype all of a sudden. easy does it

OH ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT’S IT??

noooo go back. fuck

and how the hell do you still have eyebrows, Hawks. how are you still even alive, let alone sexy. is fire your weakness?? is it really??! WELCOME TO BNHA THE MANGA WHERE ANYONE CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING. EXCEPT FOR BEING KILLED OFF-SCREEN AFTER WEEKS AND WEEKS OF BUILDUP

WHAT THE MONUMENTAL FUCK

HORIKOSHI WHERE ARE YOU I’M READY AND WILLING TO VIOLATE SOCIAL DISTANCING RIGHT NOW TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE SO COME ON

what the fuck. is this a Tarantino movie. or an Eminem song. anyway but we all know what he actually said though so let’s just scroll down and see how Hawks is going to take the news

oh my. I suddenly understand Dabi’s “grinning like a lunatic” reaction to witnessing a tragedy now. ohhhhhh that’s the good angst right there

so now Dabi says that if he wasn’t Hawks’s target in the beginning, then Hawks “would’ve been done for from the start”? ...what. lol what. am I just too tired to understand this you guys. I’m so confused

okay well I still have no fucking clue what that all meant but on the next panel he’s saying that Hawks shouldn’t have been focusing on Tomura or the League

is he suggesting that he has the power to bring down the hero system by revealing that he, the son of Endeavor, was made into a villain? am I reading into this right?

holy moses. I can’t believe this is really happening. this plotline is finally on the move oh my god I can’t even I’m getting way too excited I can’t??

HEY WHAT

well it matters to me you big melodramatic jerk!! don’t even pretend like you’re really gonna do it. I have zero fear of Hawks actually dying right now, not after that. there is way too much plot attached to him, gtfo with this fakeout shit

but more importantly, why the fuck are we cutting to Gigantomachia now oh shit. don’t tell me Fatgum got the babies out of there just in time

FUCK ME I NEARLY SCREAMED OUT LOUD

HE CAN BE ACTIVATED BY THE RECORDING OF AFO!! SOMEONE HAS THE FUCKING ON SWITCH IN THEIR HANDS OH SHIT, THERE’S THE DISASTER WE WERE ALL FUCKING WAITING FOR RIGHT THERE

WE’RE CUTTING BACK TO MIRUKO NOW??? CAN THIS CHAPTER GET ANY MORE HYPE MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS

let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the [deep breath] FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO --

OH NO!?

okay like any reasonable person I am very concerned by the implications of this. and yet a part of me just wants to focus entirely on the “AM I GETTING TIRED AFTER LOSING AN ARM AND A SHITLOAD OF BLOOD AND FIGHTING FIVE NOUMUS ALL BY MYSELF FOR LIKE AN HOUR? ...NAH.” you’re absolutely right Miruko that would be ridiculous

ARE YOU SERIOUS

either she’s about to die and she knows it, or SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH THEM WHAAAAT. I genuinely don’t even know which it is?? but it better not be the former and it absolutely is the latter though

GOSH DARN THAT MIRUKO

THERE SHE GOES. MY CZARINA

excuse me did this guy just fucking impale her

SHE ONLY HAS THE ONE GOOD HAND LEFT LIKE CAN YOU PLEASE. can you fucking not, though?! and also I forgot that being impaled through the torso is another thing in this series that’s actually fatal. well fuck

(ETA: also he ripped out her hair!! look here you piece of shit I’m gonna --)

lmao but yeah, somehow

Horikoshi. if you kill off your one cool strong top ten female hero character. just so you know. I will. ...you know what, just don’t do it, how about that. just don’t

ohhhhhh I might be about to get really mad you guys. we’ll see. we’lllllll see

SON OF A BITCH

GODDAMMIT, OBVIOUSLY TOMURA CAN’T FUCKING DIE SO WHY DON’T YOU FUCK OFF WITH THIS ENTIRE SCENARIO YOU’RE PRESENTING TO US RIGHT NOW HORIKOSHI, HOW ABOUT THAT. fuck everything I can’t believe chapter 267 page 16 was the last page of the entire manga you guys. tell me I’m reading way too much into this

ffffff

you literally had the perfect chapter. Fataxi!! Baby Hawks!! censored Touya reveals!! why would you go and. ...

I knew it was a mistake reading past that amazing color page you guys

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD I DIDN’T SCREAM BUT I SAID “HA HA!” OUT LOUD?!

-- AND AGAIN!!!!!

YOU WANT SOME??? YOU WANT SOME?!?!

FUCK YES. EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRACK OPEN THE WINDOW AND SHOUT SOME EARNEST “WOOOOOOO!!”S DOWN UNTO THE CONFUSED STREETS BELOW

y’all. I was this close to cancelling every damn thing. you don’t even know. my god I think I was grinding my teeth there

“you know what this manga has had quite enough of as of last week? tragic deaths! you know what it has not had nearly enough of? dramatic last minute saves! you know what it hasn’t had any of? TOKOYAMI VERSUS DABI, A.K.A. YOUR NEW FAVORITE MATCH-UP OF ALL TIME, YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME.” geez. calm down Horikoshi. be cool man be cool

you guys. it was almost perfect, and then it wasn’t, and then it very much was. my god. how did I not see that Tokoyami save coming with all that buildup in hindsight. clearly he saw the fire on page four and was all “oh no! his weakness”

only thing is. it’s yours too, bud. :/ don’t think I’ve forgotten how this all played out during the forest arc. and meanwhile on top of that we’ve got Gigantomachia about to have the rudest of awakenings. goddammit. why is everything so dangerous and so awesome thanks I love it but geez