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callsign-phoenix · 1 year ago

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I wrote this for @ohtobeleah, happy birthday, lovely, I hope you like it!

This is a Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x female!reader imagine.

Warnings: you’re just living near an American Navy base in this one, this is not proofread

Working at the gym as a woman was quite exhausting because men were just that, men.

You had lost count of the number of times men had catcalled you or undermined your expertise because they, of course, knew better.

It had started to not bother you any more, but what did bother you was the three open blocks in a row that you had scheduled, forcing you to get up at 3 am.

One of which was on your birthday, of all days.

The only comfort you had, and the only thing you were looking forward to on that particular day, was that your best friend was going to be there with you.

Jake Seresin had a tight schedule and led a busy life, but he always found time for you.

It was a blessing and a curse, really, to be good friends with the ‘Hangman’ Seresin.

While he was loyal to a fault, gorgeously handsome, witty and beautifully charming, those were also his downsides.

It wasn’t exactly easy to find a boyfriend with someone like him by your side and everyone thinking you were together.

You did little to negate those allegations, as you and Jake were very comfortable around each other.

Jake was a people pleaser, and so he also wanted to please you, which was why the 4am idea was born.

Really, you hated those early mornings at work and Jake knew as much, so he one day pledged to accompany you to your earlier shifts.

He had to work out before work anyway, and he felt like going with you would only make things better for the both of you.

You were quite happy even though you didn’t need the help, you nevertheless were grateful for him.

While he was, of course, in top form, he liked to see the gym as a hobby rather than a chore he did every day, going at it with a sense of joy that affected you as well.

You also didn’t mind seeing Jake in your gym because he was a familiar face, and definitely not bad to look at.

Yes, Jake was and always had been a good friend of yours, but if you were honest, you had to say that you were incredibly smitten with him.

You had thought of his pros and cons often, and you had thought of the pros and cons of being with him, even though you didn’t exactly pick up on any signals from him that showed that he liked you.

While Jake flirted with you on a daily basis, that had become your dynamic over the years, flirting back and forth shamelessly without a care in the world.

It meant something to you, but you couldn’t say if it did to him.

When you saw Jake’s beaming face on your birthday at four in the morning, the annoyance of having to get up early to do the early shift, with men that didn’t even come close to appreciating your work, a weight seemed to lift off your shoulders.

Holding a rose in between his fingers and grinning at you widely, Jake stood by the entrance of the gym, a gleam in his eyes when they met yours.

He pressed a kiss to the top of your head when you came to meet him, pulling you into a hug and whispering a ‘happy birthday’ into the crown of your hair.

Close proximity to him always turned your knees to putty, and you were glad he was holding you to him tightly.

You mirrored his grin when you pulled apart, taking the rose from him and promising to put it in water as soon as you got the chance.

Then the work began, and with it the torment.

It wasn’t all that bad, you had gotten used to the comments and looks, and you weren’t about to be bothered by the egos of some men, but today was your birthday, which meant that the fuse for bullshit on this day was short.

Sadly, the men who were this early on your birthday were definitely up for bullshit.

Stares were only half of the problem to you, but to Jake Seresin they were more severe.

He knew men, so he thought from personal experience, and he hated the looks you got on a daily basis.

You were naturally beautiful and as a trainer at the gym, you had worked out enough to give your body curves that were quite enticing, to him and as he found out, to most men as well.

It was agonising for him to watch them look at you, but he knew you were more than capable of ignoring those antics.

Similarly, you managed to ignore comments from the most of them, but one of the idiots was extraordinarily persistent.

He was big and bulky and not at all your type, who was usually more like, well, Jake.

The guy seemed to follow you once your block was over, approaching you to talk to you.

He had already asked for your number and you had repeatedly said no, which he didn’t seem to care about.

While he was just another persistent customer to you, Jake didn’t like how he talked to you at all.

He moved towards you and the man and wrapped an arm around your waist possessively, which you would have blocked in any other situation.

You liked being an independent woman, but at that moment you welcomed Jake’s normally quite inappropriate possessiveness.

“I’d appreciate it if you respected my girlfriend enough to accept her no,” Jake said with a voice that was cold as ice, and the bulky man took a second to inspect him.

You weren’t quite listening to what he had to say any more, since Jake had called you a word he had never used to refer to you before.

The guy somehow gave up and left, mumbling under his breath as he went.

Jake lifted his arm and gave you a supportive glance, knowing that you weren’t quite happy with the situation.

“Sorry, I know I shouldn’t have intervened. You’re more than capable of handling things yourself,” he apologised, but a small smile appeared on your lips, that seemed to grow in volume.

“You called me your girlfriend, Jake,” you said with a voice that seemed more like the reaction he would have expected from you, demanding an explanation for the mistake he had made.

Nevertheless, your smile spoke of something very different, which made Jake take a few seconds to analyse the situation.

His eyes drifted over your face to take in your expression while his mind went over what you had said, and that he had thought, up until now, that you didn’t like him back.

His heart began to race as he collected his courage, thinking of what to say next.

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” He said, his hand going for the back of his neck to scratch it in a telltale sign of loss of confidence.

He breathed out a little heavier for a second before he continued.

“Did you like it?” He asked, his curiosity and pure hope driving him to be a little more confident than usual.

You didn’t think you had heard right, and your eyes bore into his.

“‘Coz I kinda did. And I thought that you might want to… would you want to go out with me?” He asked, both your hearts thumbing against your ribcages, and creating a beautiful concert for anyone who would have listened.

Your smile faded as your realisation hit, but after a second you began to nod, a grin appearing on your face that mirrored Jake’s usual cocky one.

“You want to go on a date with me?” You asked mockingly, and Jake chuckled at your hint of humour.

“And here I thought Jake Seresin didn’t date,” you added, and your grin couldn’t have been more prominent.

Jake was slightly confused by your antics, but he waited patiently for the yes he was desperately hoping to hear.

You quite enjoyed the way Jake was squirming internally, which you knew he was, but after a few seconds you let him breathe.

“Hell yeah, I’ll go out with you, flyboy,” you replied, and watched as Jake’s shoulders visibly sunk to a position of relaxation.

He struggled to fight the grin that was forming on his face, and gave up once he realised that you too were openly smiling in happiness.

“Alright, baby,” he began, and you felt a shiver run down your spine at the nickname.

“Since it’s your birthday and all, would you mind if I’d take you out tonight?” He asked, and you nodded quickly.

“I’d really love that,” you replied and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth before turning around, leaving him to stare at you while you walked away with the biggest smile on your face, and a heart that was lighter than feathers.

tagging: @starkleila @mayhem24-7forever @green-socks @letsfvckingdance @iangiemae @kmsryles343 @yespolkadotkitty @whateverbagman @neptunes-curse @sweetheartlizzie07 @top-gun-rooster @iloveprettyboysblog @ateliefloresdaprimavera @imjess-themess @littlebadariell @angstyjellybean @marchingicenotes7 @midget713 @supernaturaldawning @gspenc @adorephina @gigisimsonmars @dempy @bespinnn @tipsykeen @malindacath @aerangi @kassieesworld @kwanimations @18crazybutcutealsopsycho @luckyladycreator2 @mavericksicybabe @kendra-rose @desert-fern @mavrellover91 @allivingstone01 @rhettabbotts @withakindheartx @trikigirl271 @cherrycola27 @airedale17 @bonitanightmxres @ratcatcher2world @glowingtree @wingmanvenus @classyunknownlover @oliviah-25 @natasharomanoffisbaebby

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#jake hangman seresin x you #jake hangman seresin x reader #jake hangman seresin imagine #jake hangman seresin #jake seresin x reader #jake seresin x you #jake seresin #top gun hangman #hangman top gun

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s3mi-ch4rm3d · 10 months ago

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can we stay for a while and listen for heaven?

A/N: my first fic !!!! i wrote this between the hours of 1 and 4am so i hope its not shit asjkffjkd

please please please reblog, comment and like !!! if you have any feedback please feel free to drop it too (:

"You’d told him earlier that this building was his home. You were wrong – he fights the urge to say it now. To chant ‘The four walls have nothing to do with it. My home isn’t this house, it’s you. It’s here, in my arms’ until his throat runs dry. "

desc; veteren!reader x simon riley. he comes home on leave after a (kind of) disagreement. all fluff, some non-sexual nudity (a soft little affectionate shower scene). should be fairly gender neutral!!

"Hear the storm dances outside Something set free is running through the night And the dark awaits us all around the corner But here, in our place we have for the day Can we stay a while and listen for heaven?"

Simon “Ghost” Riley, more weapon than man, almost falls to his knees weeping at the sight of you.

You stand, some thirty-feet ahead of him, holding a pistol aimed at his head with perfect precision. Hair wild and sleep-tousled, one of his shirts hanging to about mid-thigh, eyelids drooped and eyebrows furrowed in confusion, lips forming a perfect ‘O’ and he swears to whatever divine being still watching that one day he’ll be brave enough to marry you.

He’d poetically liken himself to a man returning home from war, but the simile cuts a little too close.

You lower the weapon, flick the safety on (he narrowly bites back the urge to praise you) before launching it towards the sofa and launching yourself at him. He ignores the burning in his injured side and returns the fervour, arms finding your waist with practised ease. After almost fifty hours awake, Simon allows himself to feel the exhaustion that permeates his bones. He sinks into you – into your warmth, your scent, your love. He fears he’ll never be able to let go again.

You somehow detach yourself enough to blink up at him, eyes still half-lidded. “You’re back,” you whisper, voice so roughened with sleep that he can only make out half the syllables, “thought you were comin’ back next week?”

“Sorry, darlin’. Should’ve given you a heads up.” He hates how fatigued he sounds, even to his own ears, but he can’t keep up the act. Not with you.

“Nonsense, Simon Riley.” Your nose scrunches, voice mimicking severity. The way your mouth sounds the shape of his name ringing through his head like a stricken bell, “This is your home, too. You know you don’t need permission to come back.”

He doesn’t know, not really. Especially not at the moment. He’d half expected you to shove him back out the door duffle still in hand if he were honest. After almost two weeks of not speaking, of dodging calls and ignoring texts, he figured he’d deserved it. The knot of guilt begins to twist his stomach.

You must sense his hesitation – reading him like a book always was a favourite pastime of yours – because you press your face back into his chest, squeezing him briefly before releasing him. He barely has time to mourn the loss of your warmth before you’re hooking your pinky with his, intertwining your fingers.

You lift yourself onto your tiptoes, face hovering just a few centimetres away from his, before you whisper.

“You’re not getting into our bed smelling like shite, Si. ‘M hosing you down."

He watches as the corners of your lips turn up into one of your signature lopsided grins and before he can stop himself he’s leaning in to kiss it, mask be damned. Since there are no merciful gods left, you duck out of the way before his mouth can stick the landing, letting out a squawk of laughter as you swipe out of the way of his arms. He finds his lips mimicking yours beneath the fabric.

“You’re not kissing me til you brush those fuckin’ teeth, either. Dirty man.”

“I thought you liked the way I taste, love.”

You snort, pinky latching onto him again, leading him towards the bathroom of your darkened house. Reiterate your previous statement by muttering a “filthy man” under your breath. The radiance of dawn spills through the closed blinds as the sun begins its endeavour across the sky once more. Simon follows dutifully behind you.

Your unoccupied hand fumbles before finding the string of the light switch. You give it a firm tug and cool light blares into the room. Simon barely has time to hiss before you’re tugging it off again, encasing the room in darkness once more. You hum softly, murmuring apologies as you lead him to the toilet seat.

“Sit. I swear I have fake candles somewhere, I’ll find them.”

An objection rises in his throat, although he obeys instantly, perching on the lid of the toilet. He watches in the low light as you flit about the room, rummaging through bottles and loofahs and sponges before letting out a small “aha!”.

You methodically disperse small, white discs around the room, clicking them on as you go. Warm light flickers throughout the room, much less overbearing than the beacon overhead. You turn to face him again and he lets out a sigh through his nostrils. You’re far too endearing like this; completely dishevelled, all soft smiles and teasing words.

He can see it with a bit more clarity now, the way worry has been eating at you. In the dim 'candle' light, he notices the state of your lower lip, chapped and bitten, and the smudges of blue that frame your eyes. The knot that sits at the base of his stomach twists again, digging in, and he tightens his jaw to stop himself from spilling I’m sorry’s like a mantra.

“You planning on washing your clothes as well as your body, babes?”

Your voice pops the bubble of his self-pity. He blinks thrice, grateful for the mask to hide the downwards tilt of his lips. He attempts to sound breezy as he replies, though it comes out with more bite than he’d like. Typical.

“Figure it’s the quickest way to stop smelling of ‘shite.’”

It’s your turn to sober yourself as you cast your eyes over him, eyebrows furrowing. You must catch it; the way, however subtle, his body responds to his injury – hunched slightly to one side as if trying to curl protectively around it. He straightens his spine at your scrutiny.

“You’re hurt,” you whisper, voice so tender, as you take two slow steps towards him, “your side?” Your eyebrows furrow, hands absently reaching for him.

“It’s nowt, darls. Just some bruising. I…” He rolls the request around on his tongue. He swears it burns, to ask more of you after you’ve given so much. “I need a hand. Can’t really… bend. Sorry.”

Your reaction is immediate. You drop to your knees in front of him, hands reaching for his laces, face set in gentle determination.

“It’s no bother, handsome.” You’re quick to soothe, to reassure. Always so quick to give him what he needs. He softens like warm butter. “Get started up there, and we’ll meet in the middle.” You toss him a cheeky wink, face still tinged in a trace of worry.

Never one to deny you anything, he does as he’s told. Starts with his mask – easy enough. He’s too tired to have any reservations now, especially when you’ve spent so many nights devoted to tracing his scars with your lips. He unhooks the straps and slips it from his face, drops the piece of fabric onto the bathroom counter next to him.

His shirt is… a little bit trickier. He struggles to lift it up above his head, but he manages it soon enough. On his own, despite your assurances that you can help with that, too. He’s a stubborn creature.

Meanwhile, you’re dutifully and methodically working off his boots. He’s seen those hands broken and bruised, snaked around the grip of so many guns. He’s in awe of their softness; the duality of hands once soaked in blood, now working so gently to undress him.

True to your word, always, you meet him in the middle. Soft hands ghost over the mottling of bruises littering his left side, shades of purple and blue deep and rich. You frown, casting your eyes up to meet his. Your teeth go to bother your lower lip again but he leans forward to intercept, covering your mouth with his own.

You hum absently into the kiss, feel the graze of his hand against your jaw, the soft exhale through his nose. You both stay like that for a moment; making no move to deepen the kiss, keeping it light and sweet and oh-so tender.

You disconnect, your frown banished. He watches through his lashes, eyes half-lidded with relaxation as you stand back up, hands moving to the hem of his your shirt. Simon reaches to help, you swat his hand away.

“Ah-ah! Just sit back and enjoy the show, Riley. I don’t give ‘em out for free.” You wink, cocky grin rising to your lips. God, he has it bad for you.

“Show me how it’s done, love.”

You put him to shame. Lift your shirt off with one confident sweep of your arms. His hands twitch with the effort to keep them by his sides. The rest comes off just as easily, barring your fluffy socks. You almost end up flat on your arse, cheeks flushed as you slouch against the bathroom counter repeating ‘stop laughing, Simon Riley, or so help me God–’

A few moments later and you’re both in the shower, standing under a stream of water just below scalding. He hisses as the jets hit him, rolling down the planes of his back, slowly loosening the knots along his spine. You’re standing so close, nearly pressed against him, and this time he doesn’t stop himself from slipping an arm around your waist. Your bare forms merge and he feels like a ship returning to harbour. He feels tethered.

You’d told him earlier that this building was his home. You were wrong – he fights the urge to say it now. To chant ‘The four walls have nothing to do with it. My home isn’t this house, it’s you. It’s here, in my arms’ until his throat runs dry.

The way you tilt into his grasp, your arms winding so naturally around him, slotting against him so perfectly makes him think you already know the words by heart.

After a few minutes, you break away. Simon is just breathing out an objection by the time he notices the loofah in your hands. You squirt a splodge of soap onto it and a wave of your signature scent fills his nostrils. His objections die on his tongue.

You work the soap into a lather before gently taking one of his arms, eyes flicking up to meet him for a moment in a silent question. He answers with a nod and you get to work, systematically massaging away the layers of grime and dirt. You work in small circles down his arm, scrubbing his armpits and washing the grit from beneath his fingernails with precision, before moving onto his other arm.

And so the time passes; both arms, across the chiselled plains of his broad chest, down to his navel, spinning him around so you can work your way up his back. Then you’re onto his legs, his feet, before you move on to washing his hair.

He has to stand facing away from you (much to his despair – you look so focused, your tongue almost poking out in concentration), head tilted back to give you access to the top of his head. Still, you stand on your tiptoes, rubbing and massaging the shampoo into his scalp with firm but doting hands. You hum as you work.

He’s flooded with warmth at the depth of your devotion.

Hours or seconds pass by, simultaneously too much and too little time, and you’re done. You guide his form back around to face you, rising up to place a sickeningly sweet kiss to his lips. His body is sagging as the exhaustion finally drapes over him like a well-worn blanket. He blinks to keep his eyes open.

“Your turn?” He murmurs, voice a jumble of syllables.

“Mmh, I’m okay, babs. We need to get you into bed,” you hum. His eyes close for half a second and by the time he’s opened them again, the shower is off and he’s wrapped in a soft towel.

“Our bed?”

You huff out a breathy laugh, “Yeah, Si, our bed.”

Pinkies entwined, you lead him once more. Sunrise is fully upon you now, a kaleidoscope of peaches and tangerines spill through gaps in the curtains to bathe the bedroom in pinks and golds. You guide Simon Riley, now far more man than weapon, to his side of the bed. The man barely makes it to a horizontal position before reaching for you -- a request that you happily oblige.

You settle against him with the same practised ease, curled against his uninjured side, head tucked against his clavicle. He hums beneath you, arms slotting into their designated space around your waist.

A few moments pass. You’re certain that he’s already asleep when his voice, deep and full of timbre, cuts through the tranquillity.

“I’m sorry,” he rasps, his large hands dragging up the notches along your spine. “‘M stupid, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t– you don’t have to, Si. I get it.” You exhale against his collarbone, arms tightening around him. “It was a bad time. I didn’t mean for it– it just came out. I get it.”

Simon murmurs in disagreement, but he returns the motion. Arms squeezing your sides like he needs an anchor, something to hold on to.

“I shouldn’t have ignored you. I was a coward. I–”

His head turns, lips grazing over the crown of your head. His eyebrows furrow and he freezes for a moment before whispering, voice so quiet you have to strain to hear it.

“I feel it, too. I can’t– I can’t say it, but I feel it. I do.”

You feel the corners of your lips twitch up involuntarily. This absolute muppet of a man – watching you all evening like you’d hung the stars one by one, like you were some divine creator, some source of eternal beauty that could make the angels quiver. You bite back the urge to laugh, and instead tilt your head upwards, graze your rough lips across the underside of his jaw.

You whisper back, trying to pour as much love and devotion as you can fit into three words.

“I know, Si.”

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sungbeam · 7 months ago

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alright- because this is way awake me- I didn't read back my tags until today- i wasn't speaking properly in those tags (i said sleeping instead of reading... and other messy tags)- I def didn't convey half of what I wished to- (esp because we're limited to thirty tags...) anyways! scooby doo brains unite hehe~ it was an absolute fever dream to read this at 3-4am- (esp when I knew I was gonna help a friend move but once I start sth *esp a fic this good* I must finish it-) It was worth every second of missed sleep- The emotions were so powerful 😭💖 and I felt them to the nth degree- Omg?!? You wrote it without knowing the ending!? I love that sm- because that ending!? Was beyond what words can express- You tied up every end- And omg!? I was looking for the word foil- and god- I loved the use of it- You're so right the slow burn was def burning that midnight oil at midnight creek!!! 😭�� Omg?!?! You imagine fics as movies too omg!? Heck yeah 😭 The parallel between the sisters!!! Omg it was one of my favorite little bits- You may have not realized it- but it was just so goooodddd- I was hoping for a brutal fight sequence with Bonnie- and you provided all that and more! I was sincerely left with my jaw dropped it was so good- (what I was trying to express was how it felt fated that after yn named it clyde- he jokingly named his bonnie and once he saved yn from mika- he called it bonnie again. It was as if their relationship was fated for it to happen the moment after the reader named clyde- because bonnie and clyde were together til the end/no matter what- if that makes more sense?) No it's not strange that you liked writing it- it was beyond amazing- i'm so glad you enjoyed writing it 😭💖 because for me as a reader it was clear how much love and thought was put into this fic- I lllloooovveeed that scene- (I def couldn't express it that night and meant to fix my tags but my sleepy brain said *post*)- I loved the other two fics in this series- and I just- even thinking back into the story I'm just so content- it was my everything- (ngl this makes me want to read it all over again). (I wish for you to know that I keep thinking about that little ring and it means sm- I wish I had gotten to talk about the disgrace bit because it was brutal yet a deeper dive into his backstory and I loved it- there's just sm to say about this brilliant fic but I'll stop here). anyways thank you again for writing that lovely "movie" 🥺💖

omg no cuz why do we always stay up when we know we have to get up to do something the next day 😭😭 scooby doo brain fever or sumn @@ PLS honestly if u read half of what i spout out after reading long fics, u wouldn't even understand what im trying to convey 😭

RAAAH I APPRECIATE THAT 😭😭 no cuz i kinda wrote the confession part separately but it was supposed to be closer to the middle?? BUT that was when i planned for the fic to be waaay longer 🤧 the end really was made up on the fly skfbeknfnf so im glad it all wrapped up nicely for u, that puts my mind at ease 😅 i figured there'd be some questions lol

omg i just realized i put midnight creek instead of moonstone creek 😭😭😭 my own fic and i can't even remember akfndknfkd BUT YES I IMAGINE LIKE EVERY FIC AS A MOVIE :'))) it's just so much fun to see how it progresses and to imagine like music and camera angles lol and when the fic is written well, the scenes just flow sooo nicely together yk?

no omg the bonnie and clyde thing def makes sense !!! i didn't know if doing that pairing would be cheesy or not but i think it fits w them well, and im glad u agree :'))) AHHH YEAH im so glad u thought so, this was my passion project, like truly. idt i'll ever be able to write sumn like this ever again and that low-key makes me sad TT

the disgrace part has so much behind it, like i put it into the beginning without quite knowing where it would lead, but now i have a better idea of his back story that i hope to write out some time !! im so glad the little ring part is sticking with u; it makes me so emo thinking abt it 😭

THANK U AGAIN SM FOR READING AND FOR UR THOUGHTS !!! 💖💖 much, MUCH love <3

#sungbeam strikes again #blizzardfluffykpop #night terrors #smiled so big reading this tysm

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lokischocolatefountain · 2 years ago

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Just finished reading separation, [I know I already reblogged it, but I felt the need to explain the emotional roller-coaster I went through and figured it would be best to explain it here]

Ahem... THE ANGST DURING THE FIRST HALF OMFG! 😫 HAD ME ON EDGE! and then him SCREAMING "FUCKING TELL ME" I had to pause and recollect myself bc lord have mercy that did something to me (I don't know what nor can I say if it's good or bad 🫣)

But seeing Javi being worried/concerned that he fucked up AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IN WHAT WHY... I was sobbing, screaming, crying, pulling my hair out. Heart breaking, to say the least 😭

I LOVED them communicating, and Javi wanting/needing reader to open up and communicate with him but still not forcing reader into doing so... again sobbing and crying while screaming 😭

Reader telling him the reason why she left and him not being able to say/do much because it's not something he can control but still trying to comfort reader 🥺

And last but not least [I could rant about this fic, but alas I won't]

“You like this, don’t you?” He asked, lowering the register of his voice the way she liked as he took her chin between his thumb and forefinger. “You want me to possess you, to hurt anyone who would want you that way I have you. You like that I can be a dangerous man.”

That, my friends... that was FUCKING HOT 🥵

All this to say, I LOVED LOVED LOVED everything about this fic! I love how you write my beloved Javi 🥹🫶🏽

I would love to be added to your tag list 🙃 I hope you have a lovely day/night 🫶🏽 and you'll be hearing from me again when I either reread all your fics or when a new fic comes out 🤪

That is all from me. I just needed to let everyone know that I am OBSESSED with this fic and would recommend it to everyone 😌 [it is 4am and I'm feeling bold, so for the first, I will not be posting anonymously... 🫣]

Stay safe, healthy, and hydrated ❣️

First of all, I love your url. It’s perfect and hilarious 😆 Secondly, THANK YOU for the reblog and this beautiful comment. I love when I’m taken on an emotional rollercoaster so it’s cool to know that I wrote something that was an emotional rollercoaster haha.

Ngl, the “fucking tell me!” wasn’t supposed to be that way, I just meant it to be angsty. But then I went back to read it after your comment and now I’m like 👀 It just reminded me of how hot he is when angry (like in the scene where he’s yelling at a guy trying to find Helena). I want him to scream at me 😩 and that’s all I can say without being sent right to horny jail.

Javi is a soft, gentle, kind man despite everything he has seen and done. And he has this strong sense of duty and doing the right thing. Combined, those characteristics would make him want to be a good husband. He cares for everyone deeply and he starts caring fast. So someone he marries would have all his care and love and respect. He would want to treat her right and make her happy, but he can’t always do that because of his job and because he’s only human. Humans make mistakes. But he’s not one to forgive himself. He’ll keep a ledger of his faults and go over them repeatedly. So when someone he loves leaves out of the blue like that, his instinct is to blame himself. He goes over the ledger, try to figure out what exactly he did wrong this time and when he can’t figure it out, he just feels worse.

I think he can’t bear it when people cry. Because he cares. So even though he wants answers more than anything, he stops his pursuit quickly to hold her and comfort her.

Yessss I’m glad you enjoyed that part about him knowing how she likes that he can be dangerous. That part is a bit of a self-insert, tbh. But can ya blame me? Irl, I would never go for someone who shot people (and got shot at) for a living but since it’s Javi and he’s not real, I can let my worst fantasies run wild. And wanting someone something I know I shouldn’t want… that’s 🥵🥵🥵

This comment is the best thing ever and it makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. Thank you thank you thank you sooooo much for this. I’ll keep it in mind to tag you in my future Javi fics. And I’m excitedly waiting to hear from you again 💜

#asks #nice people #cowboychickenlittle

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gardenofcarnations · 2 years ago

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Damn, like really.. I’ve been in a drunk like trance reading through your fics. They’re honestly amazing!!

Ive been dreaming of a fic where you’re friends with sap, just broken up with your boyfriend and just extremely frustrated bc he’d never ate you out of even made you cum. sap gets mad and want to help you out by treating you right. He makes you cum more times than you’ve had in the last year.

Like darling, I’m so caught up in your works and i honestly think you are the one to bring my dream to paper. Ive never asked for a writer before but i hope you like the request!!

Keep up the good work<3

Oh my god! Thank you so much! I can't form into words how grateful I am for the recent support. I did my best to fulfill your submission, I hope you enjoy it! This was quite fun to write ;)

Also "Sinners" by Ari Abdul & Thomas Larosa was playing as I wrote this submission and it helped build the imagination lol!

“Fuck you too! Cheating ass bitch!” you scream, tears welling at the brim of your eyes. You slam the door on your now ex-boyfriend’s face.

3 years down the drain in an instant.

All because of a girl from the club he worked at.

You and Damien had met at a college party back in your first year. Damien was charming to say the least, he had a good sense of humour and that heart throbbing smile that balanced out his lack of a personality and shit mannerisms. On the outside, to everyone else, you both looked like the hottest couple.

Although, behind closed doors, you both argued over every little issue that irked him.

You didn’t have dinner ready when he came back from work? An argument.

You took too long to get ready for an outing? An argument.

You didn’t clean the house you both shared? An argument.

You didn’t want to have sex? You didn’t want to suck his poor excuse of a cock? An argument.

He wasn’t always like this. Damien had somewhat redeeming qualities about him like the fact that he was caring from time to time, he would take you out on expensive dates and get you pretty necklaces.

He got you one in particular that read “mine forever.” and it was the sweetest thing you ever had someone do for you.

Sweetest thing until you saw the girl that was wrapped in the sheets with him wear the same necklace.

It was so sad it came off comedic sat this point.

You were so drained and frustrated with yourself, sacrificing your mental health and well-being all for a half assed excuse of a male. You packed your clothes and left the keys of the shared apartment complex on the bed that you caught them in.

Damien was well aware that you wouldn’t stay in the same house anymore, at least he had some sort of brain cell in that empty head of his.

Salty tears blurred your vision as you struggled to wipe them away, driving down the highway at a whopping 180km to your best friend’s house.

It would be the best thing for you as of now.

Sapnap was bewildered to see you at his front door at 4am in the morning. He rubbed his eyes to get a better look at you before greeting you.

“Dude it’s four in the morning why—“ He choked on his words, reading your heartbroken expression and noticed the tears that streamed down your red cheeks, your nose was a bright pink from rubbing your hoodie over it to wipe the snot that dribbled down.

He wraps a hand around your waist and pulls you into the house, “Hey, Hey, what’s wrong? What happened?” he asked you words laced with concern and sympathy.

You walked over to sit on his living room couch. He shuts the door and walks over to sit beside you. “He— He was in the bed with her…I—I just came back from work…and he was, they—“ You sniffled out.

Sapnap didn’t need to hear the rest to understand what you were talking about.

He pulled you in for a tight bear hug, or, in his words, a panda bear hug. He rests his chin on your head, rubbing your back to soothe your cries on his shoulder. He hushes your sobs in attempt to comfort you.

After a while, it worked.

You calmed down and soon the sadness settled it’s way into the midnight rain. Sapnap stuck with you through it all, making sure you weren’t left alone in such a state. He suggested you lay down in a more comfortable area, he recommended the guest bedroom, and you took it. He suggested that he would help you move out your PC equipment tomorrow morning, he also kept a mental note to rock Damien’s shit before leaving the house for good.

You were in the middle of stripping off your shirt when Sapnap walked in with a bottle of cold water, “Y/n, I brought this just incase you get thirsty and—oh.” His head snaps to your back side, the way your hair fell on your shoulders, the subtle tones of your back, and the curvy, slim, or thick figure of your body made him weak in the knees for a moment.

He clears his throat after noticing you hadn’t heard him come in.

“Oh! Sorry, I was thinking I could change, my shirt’s a bit drenched from snot and…” Your gaze falls to the floor.

“Of course, don’t apologize, it’s all good. Do you need a shirt or?” He asks you while setting the water bottle down on the nightstand.

“Actually, I’m good, I brought a few clothes.” You respond slipping on a larger shirt that loomed over your figure. Something Sapnap picked up on that wasn’t your daily attire.

“I didn’t know you were a fan of…ACDC…?” He reads the faded printing on your shirt.

Your eyes flash on the print and then back at him, “Oh, yeah, no, no this…this isn’t mine.”

Sapnap perks an eyebrow, “Who’s, uhm, who’s is it then?”

You look around the room, anywhere but his eyes, the embarrassment eating at your insides as his name slips out of your mouth. “Damien’s.”

The silence flourishes the room, Sapnap shuffles in his steps before turning to leave the room. “Goodnight Y/n–”

You yell out of instinct, “Wait!”

Sapnap turns around and tilts his head, “What?”

“Can…can you stay with me tonight? I don’t wanna be alone.”

Now, at this, the male could’ve let his jealousy shine in the silver moonlight and say “Well you have your boyfriend’s t-shirt, so you won’t be as lonely.” However the look in your eyes before and after crying your heart out diminished the growling anger in his chest. He walks over to the other end of the bed and lays down. You follow.

Your backs are facing eachother, the tension in the room is still lingering, but not as strong, it seemed to be like this with Sapnap a lot, you’d find yourself feeling rather relaxed in the quititude. Even when he’d be focused on editing or filming or school work back when you two were younger and all that could be heard was the soft breathing and occasional scribbling of the pencil or typing of a keyboard, Sapnap’s presence alone could calm you in an instance.

“He wasn’t worth it.” You admitted outloud, now letting your raging thoughts pour out one by one.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, he was a selfish prick, always got what he wanted like…there’s should be some sort of balance somewhere, right? God…” You groan out, “I can’t believe I let that shit happen for 3 years. I don’t even remember finishing a single time we had sex.”

Perhaps that was a bit more than you wanted to share but with the sudden burning feeling you had inside of you, you didn’t care.

Although, Sapnap was bewildered to hear such a statement slip out of your mouth, he flips over and makes eye contact with your backside. “He never…made you—?”

You shake your head, “It was only sex when he wanted it, obviously I consented but only cause I figured sex was a mutual pleasure thing not just…it’s fuckin stupid. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…”

“No, no don’t apologize,” Sapnap could regain a sudden dejavu where he said the same thing on different occasions.

He slowly places his hand on your hip side. You didn’t think much of it, you both were comfortable with close proximity, you melted into it.

“He never made you cum, that’s…what a shame.” His tone starts slipping, more slurred, whiney, as if mockingly sympathizing for you. His hands move lower to caress your thigh. Sapnap’s lips were now inches away from your ear.

“Sap…Sapnap?” You call out to him in the night.

“If you’d let me, I could make you cum more times then that asshole ever did in the past three years you were with him, Y/n.” He lowly whispered into your ear, the words shot straight down to your core, the sudden ache you never knew that was there began throbbing, in a good way.

He kisses your cheek, you turn to lay on your back and finally see Sapnap leaning over you, he knows his boundaries so he doesn’t want to overdo it.

“Please, I can make you feel good–I want to make you feel good.” He notices how his voice came out more whiney and needy than intended so he chews on his bottom lip to stop him from going any further. He patiently awaits your response.

You gaze at the shadowy outline of your best friend, you knew you had some sort of treasured emotions for Sapnap, specifically for Sapnap, but it had died down the day you met Damien, you couldn’t risk loosing the friendship if you confessed so having Damien present himself in the (now rusted) shining armor he did it help you move away from Sapnap.

You regret it all now, seeing as he cared about you deeply.

So much so he was practically begging to get a taste of your pussy.

Why say no to such an eager boy?

“Okay.” You nod your head and get ready to sit up but Sapnap stops you by placing a hand on your chest and pushing you down so your laid on the plush pillows.

You’re confused by this, but Sapnap makes himself clear by slipping between your legs, helping you spread them far enough to gain access to what he needed.

“I told you I wanted to make you feel good, so lay down and relax, okay?” He reassures you in a soothing manner, you nod your head and shift to get comfortable and prepare for what was about to happen. “Has that bitch ever eaten you out?” He seethes through a set jaw, slowly slipping your bottoms off and throwing them behind him.

His fingers slowly come in contact with your clothes pussy, the tips of his fingers trailing with just enough pressure to feel it trace patterns back and forth but also whimper at the lack of action. “I asked you a question Y/n.”

“No. Never. He never ate my…” Sapnap pulls your panties down to your ankles and you shove it off.

He leans down see how perfect and wet you already were for him, he felt himself smirk in pride, you were wet for him. He loved everything about that, he coats his tongue in your juices, licking a long stroke up, essentially testing the waters. When he felt you shiver and immediately go to grip something, he laughs.

“Fuck, you’re sensitive.” He chuckles out, watching how your eyes were fluttering. “I want to fucking ruin you.” He blurted out.

“Then do it.” You respond as quiet as possibly, but Sapnap caught every syllable.

He dives back down between your legs and ravishing your cunt, licking, sucking, and kissing in all possible patterns he could think of on the spot, you loved it, you loved feeling his warm tongue on you, you loved the way he knew how to move, just the right amount of pressure, you loved how you could feel the slight stubble of his facial hair tickle the inner of your thighs which oddly made you shiver in satisfaction.

Sapnap was a natural at eating pussy.

It was his favourite thing to do, you would know this because he would talk about his one night stands with girls after a party and how’d they be writhing against his lips.

Similar to how you were now.

Practically riding his face, a hands pulling at the strands of cinnamon hair. He was a whore for pain and pleasure, so feeling you not only tug on his hair and shove his mouth into you, the feeling of your soft thighs wrap around his head made him want to cum right then and there.

He pulls away after you moan out strings of curses calming down from your first orgasm that hit a bit quicker than you wanted to. Your body was beginning to feel heavy, it felt so good.

“I’m not done with you yet, baby. Take that fucking shirt off, it’s a god damn eyesore.” He growls lowly, you waste no time tearing it off you and tossing it away from the two of you.

Sapnap’s olive eyes snap to your body, he takes in the view, relishes in it.

“You’re so beautiful, I’m so fuckin jealous that he got see all of you before I could but…on the contrary…” He kisses your lips softly, a hint of aggression, but you were to expect that of Sapnap. He gropes at all parts of skin and nibbles on all possible flesh he can get onto.

His hands slips down to your cunt once more, letting his fingers tease over you enough to have you claw and his shoulder. “He didn’t get to dwell in the pleasure of fucking you properly.”

“Sapnap–”

“That’s not my name.”

“Nick–”

“Close but, not close enough, baby. You can do better than that. Call me by my name.” Sapnap slips a finger in, curling it up slowly, and when he feels more arousal drool out of you, he slowly slips in another to which you finally moan out.

“Nicholas, oh fuck!” Your grip on his shoulder doesn’t loosen, but Sapnap loves that.

His fingers pick up pace, he goes to kiss along your neck, and then to your tits. “Does this hurt? Do you want me to stop?” He asks you, now using his thumb to rub at your clit, your eyes were rolling at the back of your head, hair a mess, all you could do is shake your head. Sapnap wasn’t satisfied at all though.

“Words, Y/n, I need words from you.” You struggled to tie the sentence together feeling another orgasm builds it’s way up into your core. Your body spasmed, and your eyes shut closed.

“You’re not responding…I think I’ll stop…” His movements grow slower, and you scream out.

“No! No! Please…Don’t, don’t stop.” You shove your face between sapnap’s right shoulder and neck. He feels your heavy breathing and butterfly kisses. He had to hold back from letting a moan out himself. “Please, it feels so good. Make me feel good. You’re so…fuckin good, Nick.”

He loved hearing your praises, it did things to him he couldn’t explain, he wanted to be good for you, he wanted to satisfy to no end, and with you already close to your second orgasm he let you have it.

“Cum for me, Baby. You earned it.” Sapnap ghosts above your ear, you let out groans tied in with whimpers as you came another round, feeling your legs shake under him as you did so.

He lets you relax, setting you back down on the pillows and kissing along your stomach, and lower belly. “Feel good?” He asks.

“Amazing.” You breath out.

“Good, I’m no where near finished with you so…”

“There’s more?!” You question him with an astonished expression. Sapnap laughs as he helps you sit up, this time, laying down and looking up at you.

“I want you to sit on my face.” He ordered you, his eyes studying your expression to see your reaction to his request in the dim moonlit bedroom. “Ride my face, I can’t get enough of your taste. I want more, please, can I have more?” There’s that needy voice again, one that made you suddenly feel at charge, something you both knew you needed.

You position yourself above his face, slowly coming down, watching Sapnap make hungry eyes at your cunt, parting his lips and sticking his tongue out, ready to devour you once more, you held onto the headboard for balance, not wanting to put all your body weight on him, in fear that it might hurt him, or that he’d have trouble breathing, but Sapnap didn’t care.

If anything, it pissed him off.

He locks his arms under and over your thighs, and pulls all your weight completely onto him.

“W–Wait, Nick I don’t wanna hurt yo–” He cuts you off mid sentence by moaning into your cunt, which sends the vibrations straight to your clit and into your nerves. You let out a clamorous gasp. Your hands tightening their hold on the headboard.

You let your body do the rest of the moving, pleasure and ecstasy possessing your mind and body as a whole, you were drunk off it, bucking your hips forwards, grinding against his face feeling his lips and tongue move effortlessly move against your sopping pussy caused your head to throw back in euphoria as you felt yourself build to orgasm a third time.

“Mm, Nick, sl–slow down I’m gonna…” You try to warn him you were nearing your end but Sapnap took it as an implication to fasten his pace.

He was relentless with your body, with you, how badly he wanted you to remember how good he made you feel, in hopes you’d finally notice him and what he could do for you now and these past years you’ve been best friends.

“I’m gonna, oh god, I’m gonna cum, Nick, Nicholas, shit, shit, fuck!” You chanted out his name like a prayer, slurring out the lewdest of noises between each word that left your mouth as you felt yourself unfold and let loose on him. Sapnap groans out feeling your cum on his face.

It took you a couple of moments before you came to a relaxed state from your third orgasm of the night. You slip off Nick, seeing the shiny slick he hd that trails from his lips, chin, and neck. “Fuck, you just squirted on me.” He laughs, licking his lips.

Your eyes widened, “Oh shit, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to–”

“No, don’t worry. That was hot as fuck.” He reassures you, kissing your cheek.

For a moment, you both stare into each other’s eyes, you grab his face, feeling the heat radiating off his face onto the palm of your hands. He’d perplexed before realizing that you’re inching closer to his face. In a swift movement, you lock lips with your best friend, Nick. His lips are soft and tender, the lingering taste of your past arousal is now on your tongue. In a way, it was intimate.

When you pull away, Sapnap is just in pure awe with your beauty, he’s gazing at your eyes and how the reflection of the illuminance of outside is shining over your face. He loved you. And you loved him too.

You notice a look that falters his expression for a moment.

His eyes are misting with lust once more, hunger, want, need.

“You’re not done…are you?” You stand corrected when Sapnaps hands trail to your waist, fingers digging into your skin. He pushes you back onto the mattress and towers over you with a confident grin.

“Nope.” He says before giving you the best night of your life.

#submission #sapnap x reader smut #sapnap x reader #sapnap smut #sapnap #smut #dsmp smut #mcyt smut #dream team smut #dteam

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uwurakax · 4 years ago

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boy, i hate you ♡

pairing: akaashi x reader ♡

genre: angst // cheating // suggestive (not explicit) ♡

summary: you swore to yourself that you’d never stay with a cheater, so why was it so hard to let go? ♡

♡ the sequel “boy, i need you” - read the second part here ♡

word count: 1.9k ♡

author’s note: ok this has been in my mind for ages now and i need this to go into the universe. i haven’t written in years so i am crappy rusty as hell (pls be kind ty). i don’t normally write but i had to. i also believe theres no gender mentioned? (it’s like 4am and i’ve had zero sleep so pls), but i suppose it leans to f!reader. i’ll regret uploading this later haha 🤟😭 also hasn’t been proofread and i wrote this at like 1am (excuses for my terrible writing yup, don’t judge me haha) ♡

♡ (inspired by f.u by little mix) ♡

infidelity

/ɪnfɪˈdɛlɪti/

noun

1. the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or partner

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, with your eyes red and wet was not an uncommon occurrence. You supposed at one point, it was, but those days felt like a distant dream. You had cried so much, it was a wonder you could keep up the waterworks. Your eyes were swollen, bloodshot and dry. The moisture had left them and were spilled, half dry, on your cheeks.

It was pathetic. So pathetic how you could keep putting yourself through this. Day after day, breakdown after breakdown, you didn’t know how much more you could take. You quickly wiped away any more stray tears with the sleeve of the hoodie you were wearing. His hoodie.

You wondered how much liquid had been soaked up by his clothes. An ironic display of him comforting you indirectly when he was the one who caused those tears to spill in the first place.

You took a deep inhale and leaned over the porcelain countertop. It felt wrong. It felt awkward. It felt..dirty. You gripped the sides of the counter. You couldn’t pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong, it was just like it happened. Or maybe it didn’t, and it was there long before you had taken notice of the signs.

All you knew was that suddenly, he wasn’t yours anymore. The home you shared with him wasn’t yours. Hell, even this goddamn pristine white bathroom wasn’t yours. For the past year or so, it was slowly losing the essence of you and him, and somehow converged into a you, him and her. You wondered if it just lost your sense entirely and had become his and hers - you being just a warm body that filled the cold space when he was gone, whether that be at work or when he had to take a ‘trip’.

You were so sick of it. All the insecurity of when it started, why weren’t you enough, how’d it happen, and all those basic questions associated with a partner cheating were bubbling up inside of you.

You wanted to push all the blame on him. You wanted to hate him, despise him for reducing you to the pathetic crying mess you were now, but you couldn’t. You knew, deep down inside, at some point it stopped being entirely his fault and that it shifted to you as well. Was it a week after you found out? A month? 3 months? 6 months? A year? Did it even matter anymore? You knew you had to stop this. You had to break it off with Akaashi. His unfaithfulness hurt you in a way that you couldn’t possibly imagine. You couldn’t keep living with the fact that he’d come home into your arms, holding you in the same way that he had just held somebody else. Somebody not you. Somebody who wasn’t his girlfriend. Geez, just how many times were you going to repeat that to yourself? You’d lost count on how many speeches and psych up’s that frequented your mind.

This will be the last time.

A silent promise to yourself, that this would be the end. That you’d finally pick yourself up, and gain some self confidence to just rip off that bandaid. No matter how much you loved him, no matter how long you had loved him, you had to do this for your sake. With a firm nod, you braced yourself, ready to finally free yourself from the love that was Akaashi Keiji.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

It had been a few hours since your breakdown in the bathroom happened. You were anticipating Akaashi’s arrival for the past hour or so. You knew exactly why he was late, it didn’t take a genius to know that he was with her. You wished that just for tonight, he wouldn’t. The suspense was suffocating. You just wanted to get this over and done with.

Not even the soft material of the pillows on the lounge you sat on calmed you. You absentmindedly ran your fingers through the plush texture, hoping to quell the dread and unease steadily rising with each passing moment that Akaashi didn’t enter through the front door. After what felt like forever, you finally heard his car coming into the driveway, the headlights peeking through the blinds. You closed your eyes and took in a deep breath. It did little to slow your racing heartbeat. You got up to greet him when the jingle of his keys echoed through the silent space that was ‘your home’, as he had put it the first time you entered into the building. Thats all it was to you now. A mix of brick and cement that no longer held the warmth that it once had, or perhaps it still did. Maybe that radiating glow just wasn’t for you anymore.

“Keiji..”

“Hello my love” he was quick, or you were just too slow. Either way, his arms had found their way around you, pulling you close into his body. You couldn’t deny that your own craved his, fitting just a little too well, like jigsaw puzzle pieces. At one point it was relieving. At one point it would have brought you immense comfort.

At one point it would have felt right.

However at this moment in time, it didn’t. Maybe for a split second, you could’ve deluded yourself into thinking he was only yours, and you were only his. That sense of peace was gone in an instant when you smelt the pungent perfume of her on him. It clung to him desperately, and would soon dissipate throughout the house. The sickly sweet floral smell invading whatever little nook and cranny it could. Pushing out the fresh air.

Pushing out you.

It just further pressed the need to end things with him. Neither of you were happy in your relationship now.

For your sake and for his, you needed to do this quickly.

You pulled away from him, hands on his chest. You had to force yourself to look at his face. It was time, you needed that bandaid off now. But when you searched his profile, you couldn’t see any other emotion but pure admiration.

Pure love.

Your breath hitched. Though it was when his hands made their way up to cup your cheeks that your body lost all rationality. Your heart now pumping quickly and loudly for a completely different reason. He slowly leaned in close and you instinctively closed your eyes. Soon enough, his lips were against yours. Soft you thought to yourself, but you could taste it. The underlying taste of something sweet. It was artificial, and definitely not Akaashi.

God it hurt. It hurt, unbelievably so.

His hands moved down and rested on your hips, fingers digging in ever so slightly. You both parted from each other, and this time, you decided to look into his eyes.

Gunmetal Blue.

It perfectly matched his beautiful face, and you knew you could get lost just staring into them. It honestly wasn’t fair how easily everything about him could just draw you in.

But you hated how he looked at you now. Like you held the stars in his sky. Like you were the most important person to him. It could almost make you sick, the gaze he had on you. How could he look at you like this? How could he touch you like that? How could he kiss you with such furore when he was just with somebody else, doing the exact same things that he was doing to you?

It just hurt. You never even got a chance to voice your thoughts on his infidelity, on the other woman, on anything. Because soon enough you found yourself led into the bedroom. Had he made love with that woman on the very bed you shared with him? There’s no way you could fool yourself into thinking that that space was sacred anymore. The sheets, the pillows, the mattress. All of it had been tainted. Much like everything else on this house. Contaminated with her touch when you were away and he had to stay home. Everywhere. Every surface, every room, hell every inch just had a lingering scent of her.

Disgusting. Filthy. Soiled.

All those thoughts were washed away when Akaashi pulled you into the bed. Clothes now discarded haphazardly on the floor, easily forgotten. He gently brushed stray hairs away from your face and just observed you for a moment. He watched you with a smile, and you could reminisce back on your high school days. How was it that Akaashi Keiji, the sweet, shy and most amazing guy was doing something so horrible behind your back? You couldn’t understand. He was such a gentleman, so respectful and kind. So how? How could he do it so easily.

He pulled you in, lips connecting once again. You knew it was wrong. To fall back into him would just lead you back into the spiral of pain and heartbreak. And yet, here you were, doing that exact thing.

Because when he looked at you in that regard, when he touched you in the way that set your body ablaze, when he kissed you with such emotion and love, you could pretend that, just for a short period of time, that it was all just for you and only you. You could forget about the other woman. Could forget about all the thoughts of all the things he’d do with her. Forget the marks that he left on her, the same way he did you.

You’d think of the consequences later, like you always did, because during these moments was when your heart didn’t ache so much, and you didn’t need to be left with your own intrusive thoughts. Here, like this, right now, you could just be two people together. Pretend that he did love you unconditionally.

Pretend that everything was okay.

You knew tomorrow you’d regret it. Wake up in his arms and sob about how much of a coward you were to walk away.

This will be the last time.

How many times had you repeated that phrase only to continue this toxic cycle? It wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. You hated Akaashi, but you hated yourself more, because you knew that you’d always lose yourself to him. Like a puppet master with the strings, you were pushed and pulled to his desire.

You now lay in bed, with the covers over you both, and his hand rubbing a soothing trail up and down your arm. You wondered if this would’ve been a good time to do it. To cut your loses and go.

But..

Akaashi scooted over towards you, his hand now finding its way behind your head. His own now angled to press a delicate kiss on your forehead. You shut your eyes, willing the tears to not show.

“I love you”

..you could never do it.

With a small, sad smile (hoping that the darkness of the night shielded the pain from him), you whispered the words that contradicted everything you had been feeling.

“I love you too”

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. You knew tomorrow you’d go through the same process. You knew you’d feel the same anger, frustration and ache. Knew that you’d put on one of his shirts or hoodies on for any sense of comfort. Knew that you’d cry and get lost in your thoughts. Knew that you’d swear that this was the last time this would ever happen.

And deep down, you knew that you’d never really do it, because you’d fall right back into loving Akaashi Keiji again, just like all those times before.

#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #akaashi x reader #akaashi oneshot #akaashi x you #akaashi angst #haikyuu angst

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thechangeling · 2 years ago

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Sad thought I had this morning while i was still half asleep at like 4am and wrote down in my notes:

Ty slipped into a suicidal mindset after Livvy died and even though Livvy going far and far away from him hurt, he never said anything because he secretly hoped that it would kill him if she did it enough times

Then Kit gives him the necklace to protect him, and Ty just...stops doing reckless things. Stops hoping he'll go to sleep and never wake up. Because if he died in Kit’s necklace that would be rude, if he died in Kit’s necklace then Kit would be even more mad at him. And he doesn’t want Kit to be more mad at him

OUCH 😭😭 HOW DARE/LH

But honestly this makes sense tbh. I would kind of love to see something like this.

#asks #mutuals!#ly!

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cherryeol04 · 4 years ago

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Late Night (M)

Pairings: Jisung x Reader Genre: Smut, humor, romance? Word Count: 3k Author’s Note: I feel like the ending was rushed a bit and not my best. But I wrote this instead of sleeping, so I hope you enjoy another Jisung from yours truly! 💖💖

The dream you had left you hot and bothered in a way that you hadn’t felt for quite some time. That was the sad reality you faced when dating an idol. Going weeks, if not months, without being near each other and the only thing to placate you were sleep deprived nightly messages that half the time didn’t make any sense and rushed good morning texts that usually didn’t make it to you until well in the afternoon. It was a struggle and in times like this, it really showed. It was still relatively early in the morning, you were sure and a quick glance at the clock told you it was only 4am.

Very fucking early in the morning. Way too early to even be horny, but you couldn't deny the fact that you were with the way your pussy throbbed between your legs and a carnal urge was trying to take over your body. The dream had been so explicit and had seemed so real that when you woke up, a wave of sadness washed over you. Just moments ago you had your boyfriend's cock in your hand, his breathy moans filling the room as you worked your tongue over the smooth, mushroom head. The taste that filled your mouth as precum leaked freely into it was so familiar and warm that there was no way you could have been dreaming. But you were and you absolutely hated both your brain and body.

With a groan, you rolled onto your side, hand reaching out to grab at your cellphone - wincing when the light of the screen hurt your pupils. It took a moment to adjust to the light, but eventually you did as you unlocked the phone and went straight to your messages. There were about 45 unread, most coming from the group chat you had with the boys. Normally it was filled with random dad jokes from Changbin, or cute cat videos and ASMR videos from Minho and Jeongin. You skipped it for now. Your mind was set on messaging your boyfriend, though you were almost 100% sure that he wouldn't be able to do anything. You knew Stray Kids was busy preparing for a comeback which meant long hours of practice in every department, meetings upon meetings and countless photoshoots and video shoots for trailers and music videos.

It was very hectic and you had to commend them for their dedication to the job. Their passion for music and being an idol clearly showed in times like these. But as a consequence it left you boyfriendless for months, with only your hand and your toys to take care of you. And while your favorite clit stimulator always got the job done, there was only so much you could take before you really started to crave the real thing. And it seemed like you were finally at your breaking point.

Baby

Are you awake?

Baby

No. Who in their right mind would be awake at this hour?

Baby

Jisung....

Baby

Y/n....

Baby

Come over~

Baby

It's 4am! I got practice at 6!

Baby

Then why are you still awake???

Baby

.....

So when and why did you want me to be there?

Baby

Now, and because I miss you

Baby

I miss you too but that's not a very good reason for me to get a ride across town at 4am.

Baby

I'm horny and dreamt of you

Baby

Oh? Do tell~

Baby

Not until you come over

Baby

😩 I'll see what I can do

Baby

Don't forget your key~

You had to admit, it was rather easy to convince Jisung to come over. Though there wasn't really a guarantee that would come over. It wasn't like he actually drove and could just hop in a car and make his way to your place. He would either have to wake a manager and ask for a ride, or somehow find some sort of public transportation. And walking was certainly out of the picture because it would be way after 6 am before he could even make halfway to your house. A part of you felt sorry for even suggesting he come over, but another part of you hoped he was able to find a ride and get over as quickly as possible.

The dream was still fresh in your mind, plaguing your thoughts as you tried to focus on anything but the idea of Jisung coming over. But it was there, standing proud and erect in the forefront of your brain and you were becoming increasingly aware of just how much you desperately missed his cock. Well, you missed Jisung too, but you were particularly fond of the appendage that hung between his legs. But honestly, who could blame you? He wasn't small, but he wasn't overly big either. If you had to put a word to it, he was about average size, but his cock was absolutely perfect. The skin was tan, much like the rest of Jisung's body which you absolutely adored, the head usually a pale pink unless he was really hot and bothered. Then it became ruddy and looked so divine and juicy enough to eat.

You groaned as your mind wandered further, lost in the memories of the weight of Jisung's cock in your mouth, as it always filled it out nicely. You could feel yourself drooling at the thought, frowning slightly. Get a hold of yourself. There was no point in fantasizing about it yet. A quick touch to your phone screen showed no new messages from Jisung and after double checking your chat with him, there wasn't anything indicating he wasn't coming. There was still hope.

With hopes of distracting your dreadfully dirty mind, you grabbed the TV remote and after fiddling with it for a bit, you turned YouTube back on and just randomly hit one of the videos in your recommended list. It was some movie review channel that was reviewing one of your favorite film series Hellraiser. It was good enough and within mere seconds of the video playing, you were drawn in and actually managed to forget about both Jisung and the dream. For the better part of twenty minutes, you were so engrossed in the video, snickering at the little quipes the reviewer gave here and there while discussing the movie that you didn't hear the door of your apartment being unlocked, or the soft footsteps growing closer to your bedroom door.

So blind were you to the outside world, that it wasn't until you felt cold fingers grazing over your shoulder that you became aware of the presence in your room. Startled, you jerked up, eyes landing on Jisung as he stood there with an almost sheepish expression if it weren't overshadowed but the dark circles under his eyes and you could clearly see just how exhausted he was. A pang of guilt bubbled up in your stomach and you really regretted inviting him over. You regretted all the dirty thoughts you had about what you would do to him if he did show up. At that very moment, you wanted nothing more than to lay him down on your bed and make him go to sleep. Would that leave you incredibly unsatisfied and most likely angry in the morning? Yes, but it would be worth it to make sure Jisung was getting sleep, even if only for a couple hours before he had to be up again.

"You came."

"I did." He flashed you a gummy smile that warmed your heart and you opened your arms towards him. With a soft sigh, he climbed into the bed and practically fell into them, head nuzzling against your chest as you both settled down. Running your fingers through his hair, you hummed softly while placing a gentle kiss to the top of head. "So, gonna tell me your dream?" he muttered and you couldn't help but giggle.

"I suppose so. You did come all the way over to see me~" you cooed teasingly. He snorted and lifted his head, eyes staring up at you curiously and you had to stop yourself from pinching his cheeks because he was just too damn cute. "I had a dream that I could make you cum in 3 seconds."

"Pfft, I wish. The amount of orgasms I could have during the day." he laughed and you rolled your eyes at him.

"I'm serious. All I had to do was get on my knees and you were instantly hard and two licks to your cock and you were cumming." You shifted under him, arms tightening around him with undisclosed desire and you buried your face into his shoulder. God you wanted him so much, that even just telling him the bare basics of the dream had you horny all over again.

"It would take more than two licks, kitten." he practically purred into your ear and you couldn't stop the whimper that left your lips. "But you are right, I would be so hard if you dropped to your knees in front of me." Daring to look at him, you pulled back. What greeted you was such an erotic sight. Even in the dim light of the room, you could see just how blown his pupils were, eyes staring so intensely at you that you physically shivered from the lust flashing through them. "Is that why you called me here? So you could blow me?" he asked, head tilting to the side.

"Uh...yeah?" You didn't sound too sure, but really that had been your intention - to get your hands back on Jisung's cock and be reminded of just how good he tasted. "Please?" You tacked on at the end, just for good measures. He smiled, swooping down into what was anything but a kiss. Your lips barely touched and it left you yearning for me. God damn it. He was such a tease. Pulling away, Jisung flopped over on to his back, arms moving to rest behind his head.

"Well then, have at it." The nonchalance of the situation only fueled your arousal and you were scrambling onto your hands and knees before you knew it. Moving between his legs, you reached up with one hand and palmed over him. His cock twitched slightly at the touch and you could feel it filling out the longer you stroked him. It was hot, you couldn't lie, watching the way it bobbed and lifted, tenting the sweatpants he was wearing. Leaning in, you mouthed at his dick, tongue running roughly against the pilled fabric. Soft groans filled the air and you glanced up, eyes locking with Jisung's hooded ones watching you. His lips were slightly parted and wet, another groan leaving them as your fingers toyed with the head of his cock. With a light touch, you pressed against the slit, grinning as precum soaked through, wetting your finger. Teasing just a bit more, you gathered more of the liquid before sitting up and bringing your finger to your mouth.

You made a show of it, parting your lips and letting your tongue swipe against your fingertip, moaning lewdly while wrapping your lips around your finger and giving it a few sucks. There wasn’t much of a taste, but that really didn’t matter. You were doing this more for Jisung than for yourself and judging from the way he shifted on the bed, fists clenched tightly in the sheets, it was doing a great job riling him up. “Taste good, kitten?” You pulled your finger out with a pop, licking your lips as a feline-like grin spread across your face.

“Delicious.” Humming softly to yourself, you scooted closer to his body, fingers grasping his waistband and giving a light tug. “Your kitten’s hungry.” you pouted at him, laughter leaving him as he lifted his hips up enough for you to slide his pants and boxers down in one go.

“Well we can’t have that, now can we?” he mused, raising himself up on his elbows. You gave a hum of acknowledgment, though your attention was currently taken by the beautiful cock that laid so proudly against his abdomen, head already a ruddy shade with a pearl of precum beaded at the top. Reaching down, Jisung wrapped his hand around his cock and gave it a few pumps, soft grunts leaving his parted lips. His thumb swiped over the tip, gathering what precum was there and held it out towards you. “Come on baby. Come and eat.”

Tossing his pants over the side of the bed, you leaned over him and took the offered thumb into your mouth, tongue swiping against the slightly salty skin - licking it nice and clean. Sucking on it, you smirked at the small ‘fuck’ Jisung uttered before pulling off the finger. Shifting closer, you pressed your lips against his in a deep and heated kiss that lasted for only a few short seconds - a calculated move you made just to tease him for the barely there kiss he had given you earlier. Jisung whined, trying to chase after your lips as you moved away and you pressed your hand against his chest, pushing him back down onto the bed. Throwing one of your legs over his, you settled yourself over him, lowering down and running your tongue from the base to the tip.

“Oh fuck.” The moan he released went straight through you, your pussy throbbing more at the sound and the taste on your tongue. You were tempted to lower your hips down and rub against his leg, but you held back. While you wanted to get off, right now it was about him and fulfilling your dream in some capacity. You repeated the action a few times, stopping just short of the slit and watched with lidded eyes as more precum oozed out and slowly rolled down the side of his cock. “Babe, thought you were hungry?” It was a mixture of a whine and question, and did nothing except make Jisung sound absolutely wrecked and you hadn’t even done anything. Giggling to yourself, you gripped the base of his dick as you enveloped the head with your mouth.

You sank down slowly, tongue working flicking against any part of the velvety flesh that was filling your mouth. You took your time, stopping when you reached your limit and letting him just rest there, hot and heavy against your tongue. God, you had missed this so much, just being so intimate with Jisung. Fingers carded through your hair, tangling in the strands as Jisung breathed heavily, body tense and vibrating slightly with the way he was trying to stop the tremors coursing through him. “Y/n, fuck. Stop teasing and suck my dick.” You didn’t think it was possible, but Jisung sounded even more wrecked than he had before. Humming lightly around him, pulling a sharp hiss from him, you slowly began bobbing your head. Pulling up, you gave two hungry sucks against the head before sinking back down, tongue pressing and rubbing against the vein on the underside of his cock. It was easy to start a rhythm, spurred on by Jisung’s moans. The faster you moved and the harder you sucked, the louder he got and the wetter you became.

Jisung attempted to lift his legs and plant his feet on the mattress, but was stopped when his shin came in contact with your wet panties. Moaning around him, you rocked your hips down against him, whimpers filling the air as you grinded against him. His cock twitched and throbbed in your mouth, your eyes lifting to watch his face. Jisung had his head thrown back, eyes closed as he got lost in the feeling of your hot mouth around him. Every now and again his hips would twitch and try to lift, but he seemed to restrain himself which you were thankful for. You really weren’t in the mood to choke tonight.

Pulling off until just the head was between your lips, you hollowed your cheeks and sucked while your hand stroked the rest of his cock. “Shit.” he hissed, back arching off the bed. “Fuck I’m gonna cum.” You moaned around him, hand picking up speed as excitement bubbled up inside you. Your free hand came down, fingers stroking over his balls and it was like you pulled the trigger. Jisung tugged harshly at your hair and you popped off quickly, lips parts as you pressed the head against your tongue. Jisung pulsed and throbbed in your grip as he came, long sticky strings of white coating the inside of your mouth and as you swallowed, you were surprised to find that it didn’t taste like the normally bitter cum you were used to. You made a mental note to thank whichever member you had to for helping to change Jisung’s diet for the better.

You suckled lightly on the tip, milking the rest of the cum out of his body and when he whimpered at the overstimulation, you finally released him from your grip. Sitting up, you licked your lips clean, smiling down at Jisung’s panting form. “Mmm, thank you for the delicious meal.”

“Pleasures….all mine.” he nearly gasped out, letting out a stuttering sigh as he tried to control his breathing. “Fuck that was amazing, as always.” Weakly, he lifted his arms towards you and you crawled up his body and into his embrace. Snuggling against him, you pressed a gentle kiss to his neck, a content sigh leaving you as you let yourself settle down, arousal slowly fading. Jisung attempted to pay you back, his hands wandering lower, but you stopped him and at his confused look, you simply shook your head.

“Not tonight.”

“Seriously? I get a blowjob and you get nothing?” he asked, confused.

“Um, I got to give a blowjob? It’s all I wanted honestly.” You confessed with a shrug. “Next time though.” You left the sentence open, letting Jisung’s mind supply images of what you could do next time and while laying in the comforting silence of the room, halfway to dream land, you swore you heard Jisung mutter something about trying anal. But that was a conversation for another time.

Tags: @jisungsjheekies @starryseung @luminouskalopsia @runningonkpop @clandestine-lixie @straysrachaa @sauceracha @mrbangchannie (Tag info here! Come Join!)

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beomglocks · 4 years ago

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terror ave. ; c.bg

warnings and other: um?, theres a serial killer, murder is mentioned, nothing too detailed, not proofread bc i wrote this at 4am

"we advise everyone to be in complete lockdown as there have seemed to have been reports of a serial killer gone loose in the area. so far no one has been injured but we suggest taking extra precautions tonight. please do not go outside during this time. lock your doors, close your windows, and turn off all the ligh-"

frowning, you look down at the tub of ice cream situated in between your legs. you lick the ice cream from your spoon as the rest of the news report gets drowned out by your thoughts. wait- shit i think i forgot to lock the back door... you shrug. you forgot that you had invited your neighbor beomgyu over, earlier in the day. he had insisted that he had a cool new pokemon to show you on his switch and you, stupidly, allowed him to show you. to your dismay, it only turned out to be a measly skwovet.

"gyu, you can literally catch these at route 1. you know, in the beginning of the game?" you had told him with a disappointed look on your face. "you're on your 5th gym."

he had gasped in offense, bringing his switch closer to his chest to shield the creature from further judgment. "y/n how dare you! it's the cutest pokemon in the game so of course, i went back to get one. don't you think you're being too mean?"

you giggled to yourself remembering the little back and forth. you've been living alone in your current house for only a couple of months. you were surprised your parents let you move out and have a whole house in the suburbs to yourself considering how strict and overprotective they were. upon moving, you quickly befriended choi beomgyu, the literal boy next door. he had offered to help you get your couch through the door and proceeded to eat his melting chocolate bar on said couch. from then on you and him have been best friends ever since, sometimes having him sleepover or vise versa.

you weren't worried about some rando serial killer in your neighborhood since nothing ever happened to you. you were convinced you weren't the main character.

from your couch, you looked outside to see that beomgyu's lights were already turned off. he must've gone to sleep early. your eyes catch the clock on your wall and you subconsciously yawn when you see how late it is. 1:56 am? damn... i should probably go to sleep too.

you pick up the tub of ice cream and take it back to your kitchen. its fucking chilly in here. you rub your arms as goosebumps start to form on them. you peek around the corner of the wall dividing your kitchen to where the back door is located. it's slightly cracked open and that raises some bit of concern in your head. again, you shrug. you remember beomgyu leaving out the back door since he liked coming in from the back instead of the front. an odd quirk of his that you never got to question him about because every time you tried he would simply smile at you cutely and say something like "its cool that's why."

you walk over to the door while being cautious about where you step since your house was pretty messy. you shut the door and sigh, dragging your body towards the living room again to turn the tv off. the news reporter was just about to give more instructions but frankly, you're too tired to care.

now that the tv was turned off you felt a weird sense of loneliness. the white noise being emitted from the screen becoming a bit too deafening to your ears to handle. you switch the tv off properly and toss the remote somewhere on the couch.

you walk up to your bedroom while scrolling through your Instagram feed. you laugh at the caption of beomgyu's latest post because it's alluding to the argument you both had earlier and type a comment hoping that he'll have time to read it when he wakes up.

when you reach your bedroom you toss your phone haphazardly on your bed and flop yourself into the sheets. today was fairly unproductive but that's been the premise of your days lately. you wonder how you manage to do absolutely nothing yet feel the weight of 10 thousand bricks on you back.

you sigh as you feel yourself slowly drift off to sleep but a noise in the room next door startles you. if you had been fully asleep you probably wouldn't have heard it but you're sure you heard a noise even in your half-asleep state. you sit up in your bed pulling the sheets closer to you. you decide to hold your breath in case you hear another noise or if you're just being delusional and sleep-deprived.

you wait for a while and after 5 minutes you don't hear anything. you sigh quietly but before you can settle back and get back to sleep you hear another noise. ok, you know for sure you have no roommates and beomgyu always tells you he's coming over before he does. the room you're hearing the noises from is the storage room where you keep all the extra furniture and miscellaneous items that you haven't had the chance to use or set up yet so nothing should be moving in there. you also recall the movers checking the house for any squatters since that seemed to be more common than most people would think. that day you had been happy and relieved to know that there was none of that in the house.

a thought crosses your mind that it could be the serial killer that's on the loose currently. if that's the case then the killer is in your house, a few feet away, in a room that has old kitchen knives that you decided don't need to be displayed.

you stare at your door while reaching for your phone. you can hear the person walking around the room and dragging the knives across the wall in a menacing manner and that's when the anxiety finally kicks in. your eyes start filling up with tears at the thought of a deranged serial killer being just a couple feet away from you, literally a wall away.

you feel your phone graze your hand and grab it shakily, slowly getting up from your bed. you don't wanna call anyone right now since the walls are thin, the killer might hear you then it's really game over. once you get to your bedroom door, you push it open so painfully slowly that you just wanna sob right there. you hate that something like this is seriously happening to you.

the killer doesn't seem to be out in the open yet. you figure they're still deep in the storage room. that gives you some time to get out of your house and maybe run to a police station or something. you walk out into the hall and cautiously walk down the stairs hoping they won't do that annoying thing where they creak in intense moments. thankfully though, you make it down the stairs.

immediately, you bolt out of your house. you don't know why but you have the sudden idea to ask beomgyu for help. you run to his house and ring the door repeatedly, you don't care if you're being annoying. you look back at your own house and all the lights are still turned off except for your bedroom lights which you left on. hopefully, the killer isn't persistent and won't come looking for you. you turn back to beomgyu's door and keep ringing the doorbell hoping his ass will wake up since you know he's a heavy sleeper. "come on, come on. fucking choi beomgyu, come on!" you whisper anxiously.

suddenly the door swings open and an angry but half asleep beomgyu is standing there. his hair is disheveled and his face is scrunched up in confusion and drowsiness. you push past him and jump on his couch covering yourself with one of his pillows. "y/n? what the fuck are you doing. it's like 2 am?" he shuts the door, walking over to you.

"is everything locked? the windows? the door just now?" you look up at him, biting your lip. "yes everything is locked and look," you watch him walk back to the front door and lock it. "now the door is locked. mind telling me why you bum-rushed into my house at the ass crack of dawn?"

"gyu-" you can't even manage to get a proper sentence out because a broken sob leaves your mouth rather than words. you walk up to him and hug him tightly. you don't care that you're probably soaking his t-shirt with your tears, you need him to know that you really care about him and you were almost permanently separated from him today. "y/n?"

"gyu t-the killer. the s-serial killer! he's in m-my house right now," you sob even harder into his shirt and you're glad he feels warm because those 2 minutes of ringing his doorbell out there made you almost freeze to death. especially since you're only wearing your pjs which consisted of a t-shirt and short shorts.

you feel him hug you back and you sigh shakily as he rubs your back to comfort you. "y/n," he says simply. you pull away from him, which you immediately regret because you start to feel cold again. "w-we need to call the police," you wipe your tears harshly but to no avail, since they just keep falling against your will.

you take your phone from your pocket and start to dial but beomgyu takes your phone from you and pockets it into his sweats. "y/n, i've never seen you cry. you look so pretty when you cry," he leans closer to your face and you flinch when he brings his hand up to caress your cheek before wiping a stray tear from it.

"gyu, we need t-to call the police! it's not the time f-for games. give me my phone please," you move his hand away from your face and motion for him to give your phone back. he chuckles right in your face, mockingly.

"please, she says."

you watch expectantly as he takes your phone out of his pocket but feel your heart drop with it as he lets it fall to the floor with a deafening crack. if that wasn't enough, you watch in disbelief as he stomps on it with force, effectively rendering it useless.

your eyes start to fill with tears again and the sinking feeling that beomgyu isn't gonna help you starts to settle. "w-why," you blubber. you fall to the ground in defeat and confusion. you don't even have the strength to run to the door to get proper help because you felt you had no energy after watching beomgyu turn his back on you.

"ever since you moved here i've had my eye on you. i really like you y/n. scratch that, i love you y/n. the other girl that lived in the house before you was boring so i had her killed off within the first week of her moving here. i mean she was pretty but you're gorgeous, i like you much more." he lifts you off the ground and examines your face to see how your taking in this information. you can't even speak because of the burning sensation in your throat from trying to hold back your tears so hard.

"i bailed that asshole killer out of jail and hired him to kill people for me," he continues. "didn't actually wanna get my hands dirty."

he moves you to sit on the couch as if this is just another normal conversation between friends. it finally clicks in your head what's happening and you stand up and snap at him. "what the fuck gyu? i thought you were just a regular person what the fuck is wrong with you!" you begin to walk to the front door but he grabs you with a force you've never felt him use before.

"y/n really? i've been protecting you this whole time!" you can sense that his patience is thinning. "all this time! when we walked to the store and those guys catcalled you, i had them killed. that guy that hit on you in our seminar class, he's gone!" he smiles wickedly and you hate the fact that he still looks like your adorable best friend.

"y/n you're the only for me. im sorry i scared you but i knew if the serial killer went to your home you'd come running to me," you feel him rubbing your hand soothingly and you pull away from him with disgust.

"don't touch me! i'm going to the police, this is fucking sick." before you can even reach the door you hear something click. you feel a cold metal around your wrist and when you look down you see that beomgyu has handcuffed you to the door. "you're not leaving y/n, do i really have to do this to you? i've been waiting for months just for you to run away?" he whispers.

"beomgyu let me go right now," you seethe. the anxiety you felt before is only heightened when you look around and catch someone leaving from your house. "beomgyu please," you resort to petty pleads.

he pouts at you, "don't worry y/n i'm not gonna hurt you, i would never." he gives you a tender kiss on your forehead before standing up again.

"i just want you to myself that's all."

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painted-crow · 4 years ago

Note

How do you write stuff (like novels) as a Bird secondary? Do you do a detailed outline and plan it all out?

My Rapid-Fire Bird, plotting novels with very loose outlines?

(It's more likely than you think)

Personally? Nope. You can, and it would be a very Birdsec thing to do, but I usually don’t. I have one (1) novel where I did a detailed outline, and it didn't start that way--the outline came into being because I was trying to rework/fix the novel.

The novels I wrote as a teenager? Almost all seat-of-the-pants writing (and it shows). I can work like that for a while before the plot stops making sense, tbh.

In fact, it's often easier to come up with an outline after I've gotten to know the characters and the world a little bit, and this is something I've heard from other writers too. Nobody keeps the first chapter they write of their novel anyway, that almost always gets thrown out wholesale and rewritten.

My one giant outline

The hacker novel I have on the back burner is the only one where I've done what you'd call a detailed outline, but like I said, I didn't start by writing the outline.

I wrote 4 or 5 versions of the first 20Kish words of that book (and some random scenes from other places) by pantsing them, which is inadvisable--it's actually a common beginner trap to just keep rewriting your first act--but I almost couldn't avoid it because I was making these attempts with huge time gaps between them, I kept coming back to the story in between doing other things (university, mostly).

But there was also something in the structure of the novel itself that was keeping me from moving forward.

Finally, I decided I was thoroughly stuck. I merged two major characters, split up the cast (turns out it's incredibly difficult to write an ensemble cast if they're all in the same place for very long), retooled the conflict some, and wrote a 10,000 word outline detailing what happens in each scene and breaking it all up in Scrivener into individual files. This seemed like the only way to have a chance at taming a novel with 9 major characters and about 5 major plot threads, most of which happen simultaneously.

Honestly, *having written* that outline is helpful, but when I once again take it off the back burner and start fiddling with it again, I don't think I'll necessarily follow my scene list. I did actually write a good chunk to the outline, but I ended up half-writing and then cutting a lot of the scenes it called for, because it made more sense for those things to happen offscreen. I also found myself expanding some of the other scenes because they were interesting or going in different directions than I expected.

I don't think I like using long outlines like this, though. It feels a bit like I've already written that book, and honestly the whole thing is a little too complicated for my liking. (Maybe this is part of why I steered into writing middle grade for my two newer projects.)

My usual outlines

The two middle grade novels I'm working on more recently both have outlines, but they're nowhere near as long. There's nothing super fancy about them either; no spreadsheet, character profiles, maps, whatever people do--for either of them.

Their outlines live in my phone's notes app, or in one Scrivener file, and they're just descriptions of the plot, as I'd describe it to someone else. If they happen to fit neatly into some structure I've learned about or whatever, I'll note that, but I don’t structure the plot around those things.

I don't always start with a complete outline, and sometimes the outline I have gets thrown away because it's not working. The first of the two novels actually started with a vague description of what I thought would be the story arc (which turned out to be only enough material for the first act) and then... nothing. I got stuck and set it aside for a while. I do have a better outline for it now, but sometimes this happens--the story won't tell you what it's about until you're partway through writing it, and sometimes you have to be patient, or try a direction and throw it away if it isn't working.

The other novel, unusually for me, actually started with an outline! It came to me in one solid piece at 4am. I got halfway through writing the actual book in February, before burning Birdsec again at the start of March, and it actually stuck to the outline as laid out (so far).

There *is* an inverse correlation between the complexity of a story and its ability to stick to an outline, lol. The more characters and plot threads you have, and the more complex your worldbuilding is, the less likely it is that your outline can pin down all those nodes very well. It's like trying to use a GPS on stacked highways: weird stuff happens.

Tools and software

In case anyone's curious:

I love Scrivener (and wish it worked on Linux) because it's basically like tabbed browsing for text documents. It autosaves reliably, doesn't try to force you to use a specific file structure, and you can even import and open pdfs and stuff in it (useful if you're using ebooks as reference material).

I bought a fancy WorldAnvil subscription when it was on sale, hoping it could replace Scrivener on Linux, and it does not. The interface is confusing (it's got a bunch of instructional videos but I have limited patience), and its "Scrivener-like" text editor is still in beta and quite slow/buggy/clunky.

#sortinghatchats #ravenclaw secondary #writing #asks #paint speaks #paint nerds out #paint's fiction

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hecallsmehischild · 3 years ago

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More on the Weird Fits

(Mid-September) Earlier this year I wrote about my weight loss journey, and how I've had one really bizarre situation crop up for the last year and a half. At the time, we thought perhaps that old toxins stored in old fat cells were being released into my system as I burned down through layers. We hoped it would stop, but it didn't. That theory was bust.

The next most plausible theory was parasite infection. Pinworms are apparently a very common parasite in the US. Now, the "weird fits" I have look like this:

--Nausea (with about 60% chance of throwing up) --Uncontrollable, irrational negative thoughts --Panic-attack level anxiety sustained for the whole fit (OR extreme, brain-fogging fatigue) --Chills and shaking --Muscle tension (worse than normal) --Inability to sleep until fit has passed (even when fatigued)

It feels like hell. Like it will never end, that this is my new state of being forever. It usually starts within an hour of eating dinner, and is almost always at night. When the fit passes, it’s a very clear, dramatic, and instant difference where mental fog parts and my muscles relax and I am no longer terrified about whatever irrational thing my brain seized on. Each fit lasts between 4-6 hours (with one exceptional fit that lasted 9 hours) and while some effects can be mitigated, it can not be stopped by anything. I can only endure. The best thing I found to do is play a video game until it is over, because a game is mostly mindless, but engages me in action just enough to take the edge off full consciousness of what is going on in my mind and body. I am non-functional during these fits.

Fits have been happening every 1-2 months since March 2020. For two months they happened nearly weekly.

No site about pinworms talks about symptoms like these, but I did have one of the clearer signs of pinworms (embarrassing to mention so if you really need to know, please Google the symptoms yourself). Since pinworms are in the digestive system, it also makes sense that all this kicks in within an hour of eating dinner (night is most active time, plus eating churns up the digestive system).

When we thought it might be pinworms, I dosed myself with over the counter medication. First one dose, and then a second dose two weeks later. Everything has been calm for about three months (save for one instance that was clearly traced to food poisoning). I declared victory, to myself, to my husband, to a few people who I'd panicked at about this over the past year. I was nearly ready to declare victory here on the blog.

Then it happened again last night, and this time food poisoning is unlikely. It had all the signs of my usual weird fit. In the middle of the fit I had a lot of fear and despair that it was back. In my head was a lot of "I'll never be able to go on trips since I'm like this," and "How can I live my life if this is constantly going on?" and even "What is all this doing to my organs and my teeth? I've never thrown up this frequently in my life."

And finally, at 4am, the fog parted. I was so full of energy, I still couldn't sleep until 6am. Today I woke up, and I wasn't frightened. I thought, "We still have to deal with this? Okay."

Every time I'm in the middle of it, I think that there is no worse experience in the world. Well, that's just not true. There's plenty of worse experiences in the world. It's very strange, almost like there's two entirely separate Dustys with two entirely separate perceptions of the situation. The first is convinced she's living in hell. She feels more fragile than glass and would rather die than have to go through another block of 6 hours like this ever again. She curses the existence of food because of how horrible she feels, and wonders why this shitty consumption system exists in the first place.

The second Dusty sighs, sad that this happened again, but she revels in the feeling of a normal day. She eats every bite slowly and savors it, grateful for the pleasure of taste and the strengthening feeling that good, clean food gives. She's more wary of what she eats and when, for a couple of weeks, but she faces down the anxiety with specific intention, because giving too much ground here would make it too hard to reclaim.

I will not become too afraid to leave the house. I will not become too afraid to visit friends and family in other cities and states. I will not become too afraid to eat my fill. If I have to live with this, I will find a way. I will figure out strategies and coping mechanisms. But we haven't exhausted possibilities to treat it yet, and even settling for living with it is a step too soon. It still might be pinworms. It might not. I've contacted my doctor and we're in the middle of scans and talking to specialists to cover bases. It is possible I need a stronger dose of medicine, or more doses spread out over time, or that everyone in the house has to dose at the same time, or that this is something else.

But whatever the case, giving up isn't an option. There is too much goodness in life when the terror parts and the sun rises.

#rlchild #tw vomit #tw parasite

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karajaynetoday · 4 years ago

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everybody's got their demons, even wide awake or dreaming | part two

Photo credit: Jess Gleeson

Hello friends! Hope you’re having a lovely day. It’s time for part two of this series! Lizzie takes her opportunity to interview Calum one-on-one in this part. If you need to catch up on Part One, you can do that here. Onwards!

(This is a fem!OC story)

Word count: 3.2k

Warnings: none? i don’t think?

More writing here | send thoughts/feedback/suggestions here | if you’d like to be on my taglist go here

The day or so leading up to Lizzie’s one on one interview with Calum was a blur, as Lizzie tried to fix her body clock and orientate herself with how to get around LA. Her boss had offered her the opportunity to hire a rental car, but the idea of driving on the wrong side of the road was too much for Lizzie to stomach, so Ubers were the go.

Her body sometimes overslept, sometimes woke her up at 4am, so Lizzie had downloaded a yoga and meditation app to try and sort herself out. She might’ve almost given herself a concussion after toppling over while trying to do a particularly tricky pose, but no one needed to hear about that. The bruises on her elbow were embarrassing enough.

Danielle had sent Lizzie a text the morning of her lunchtime interview with Calum, confirming the time and place as they’d discussed. Lizzie had handwritten some notes for her questions, trying to contemplate what she could ask Calum that would differ to the others. Or maybe she should ask them all the same questions, and then in the piece she could compare and contrast responses? It was so hard to know what would make the best piece, especially with interviewing Calum in particular. Lizzie knew from watching other interviews, and in her group interview with all of the band the other day (and from back in their school days) that Calum was a man of few words. When he did speak, it was usually with purpose and thought, and made for some great content, but he wasn’t always particularly forthcoming. Which is why it had surprised Lizzie that Calum had volunteered for the first solo interview, but given Michael’s behaviour, she was glad to be continuing with the profile piece at all.

It was a really warm day, so Lizzie had to forego her usual blazer and jeans in favour of a long green dress with blue and white flowers on it. Her hands were sweaty as the Uber pulled up to the café Calum had suggested, and something in the back of Lizzie’s mind suggested it wasn’t just from the weather. She’d always been an anxious person, but she’d gotten a handle on it recently; this whole LA debacle had brought it back with a vengeance.

Calum was waiting for her just in front of the café, dark wayfarer sunglasses covering his eyes and his phone in his hand as he leant up against the brick wall beside the café door. He was wearing a grey hoodie and jeans, and nobody coming in or out of the café seemed to pay him any attention; but then again maybe people of Calum’s level of fame were just part of the furniture around here. It was near to Hollywood, after all.

“Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet me.” Lizzie’s voice wasn’t overly loud, but it still made Calum jump as he looked up from his phone at her.

“Of course, of course. I know I sound like a broken record, but we really are excited for you to do this piece. The new album era is something I’ve been looking forward to for a while, and - “ Calum began, smiling warmly at Lizzie, who cut him off by pulling open the café door.

“Before you start getting all meaningful and quotable on me, shall we get a coffee and take a seat?”

“A woman after my own heart. Let’s do it. Pro-tip, the brownies here are to die for.”

The café was bustling, but most of the patrons seemed to be lining up for takeaway orders. Calum stepped ahead of Lizzie and slipped into a booth towards the back, near a frosted window, greeting the wait staff by name as he went. Lizzie scurried after him, apologising as she accidentally bumped into a tall man with her shoulder bag in her haste and he glared at her. Guess not everyone was as friendly as Calum, then. She slid into the booth opposite Calum, pulling out her notebook and phone as she went.

“Is it okay if I record this? I’m not very good at taking notes.”

“Straight into it, LL? At least let a man have his coffee first.” Calum deadpanned, and Lizzie felt her face fall before she realised he was joking with her.

“Of course, sorry. Let’s order. The brownies, you said? How big are they?” Lizzie pasted a smile onto her face, grabbing for the menu on the table in front of her.

“I have it on good authority that they’re perfectly Lizzie-sized. Calum-sized, too - a real multipurpose snack.” Calum was teasing her now, but also being completely serious, as he got the attention of a waitperson who came over to welcome them and take their orders. A skinny latté for Lizzie, an iced coffee for Calum, and a warmed up chocolate brownie with a side of coconut yogurt for them each. They fell into easy conversation, about the weather, and Calum’s neighbourhood, and the other pieces Lizzie had written, almost forgetting why they were there in the first place. When their order of coffees and brownies arrived, Lizzie suddenly snapped out of her feeling of ease when she had to push her notebook and phone over on the table and remember that she was supposed to be interviewing Calum Hood, 5SOS bassist, not catching up with Calum Hood, her Year 9 science lab partner.

“Now that you’ve got your coffee, can I start recording?” Lizzie asked timidly, as she took a bite out of her brownie and audibly groaned at how heavenly it tasted.

“Depends. Will your brownie orgasm be mentioned in the article?” Could Calum say anything that wasn’t teasing her? Damn it.

“Maybe. Perhaps I’ll do a twitter thread of my trip food highlights, given that the profile piece will be under embargo until the album comes out.” Lizzie deadpanned right back, earning a smile and a small chuckle from Calum.

Lizzie hit record on her phone’s voicenote app, sliding the phone into the centre of the table. She flipped open her notebook to the page marked “Calum”, and she could see Calum trying to read her writing upside down.

“No spoilers, mate. I’ve got a strategy here.” Lizzie mused, angling her notebook so it was harder for Calum to see as he raised his hands in mock surrender.

“Well then, Ms Lawson from Junkee Australia, do your worst.” He flashed her a grin, before taking a sip of his coffee followed by a bite of his brownie (sans any groaning… that must only be a first-time brownie thing).

“So, in our chat yesterday, it was mentioned that this next album is, in some ways, a letter to your homeland, and a reflection on your journeys so far as individual artists as well as being 5SOS collectively. For you, as Calum Hood, what’s the main contribution or perspective that you feel you’ve brought to this album, and the band?” Lizzie saw a flicker of something in Calum’s eyes as she shifted into journalist mode easily, but he only paused for another sip of coffee before answering.

“I think at this point, my main contribution is balancing the collective contributions in the room. I have a lot to say, and I do a lot of songwriting, but I also think the others would agree that I’m also quite observant, so I can read a lot into things they’re saying, or not saying, and bring it out of them into the music. We’ve known each other for almost half our lives at this point, so we know each other better than anyone else, but when we work with other co writers and things like that it can be hard to feel entirely comfortable with the vulnerability you need to bring into writing a song or telling a particular story that day. I’ve got the rep as the strong, silent, shy type, I know - “ Calum paused and returned the soft smile Lizzie was giving him, as she nodded encouragingly.

“But in interviews, when I’m being asked to explain myself and validate my artistic choices, I’m immediately more defensive and protective of it, because there’s something magical about the writing room, and the vulnerability that can only exist in that context when we’re songwriting, and creating that art. The end product, which is the song or the album or whatever, conveys the emotions in a way that I could never say them with words, and the beautiful thing is that so many people can listen to it and relate to it in ways that I’d never considered before. But that’s the power of it, you know? We make these songs to express ourselves, and fulfil our creative outlets, but it extends beyond that, and that’s the part that gets me.” Calum finished speaking and reached for another sip of his coffee.

“Right. The magic exists in the studio, and on the stage, and in individual people’s lives when they listen to the music wherever they are in the world, and it’s the connecting thread that brings you together with your fans, a moment that you can share even if you never meet.”

“Exactly, it’s the universal experience, and everyone has their own interpretation of what it means to them. Pisses me off when people try and dig to find out who we wrote a certain song about, or whatever. Sometimes it is a specific person or a moment, other times I make shit up to suit the vibe of a chord progression or a concept someone’s brought to the table. It’s a juicier headline if we name and shame, but it’s not fair to the person I’m writing about, especially if they don’t have a similar outlet for a right of reply, and it’s also irrelevant, because my meaning behind a song could be completely different to yours, but that doesn’t make it less valid.” Calum shrugs as he speaks, his tone calm and nonchalant.

“Makes sense. The music can exist as art, and be open to interpretation, like everything in life. And with this album, and reflecting on your homeland… what does that mean, for you? Because 5SOS have lived almost their entire adult lives overseas, so I know it must be hard to self-determine a cultural identity that’s so strongly linked to somewhere you haven’t lived for so long.” Lizzie asks, munching down another bite of brownie.

Calum cocks his head to the side and rolls his bottom lip into his mouth, and Lizzie feels a lump rise in her throat. Had she phrased the question wrong? Was he mad? Had she struck a nerve? Fuck.

“Sorry, we don’t have to - I mean, we can keep discussing the album in a different way if you’d prefer -” Lizzie started babbling, and she froze when Calum reached across the table and rested on hers reassuringly.

“Breathe, Lawson. I just need a minute to think about a deep and meaningful response to your question. You’re fine.” Calum was speaking softly, and there was an apology of sorts in his eyes when Lizzie glanced over at him. She was about to ask him something else, when a waitress came over to check on how everything was going with their orders and offered a second round of coffees and Calum withdrew his hand from the table as he ordered another iced coffee to go, times two.

“If you could have it ready to go in about an hour, that’d be great.” Calum flashed the waitress a smile, and she shot him a wink as she headed back to the counter to update his order.

“A whole ‘nother hour? You spoil me, Mr Hood.” Lizzie joked, downing the last of her coffee and desperately hoping to avoid any awkwardness in her remaining interview time with Calum.

“Anything for a fellow Australian, mate. To answer your question, it’s strange, because yes I’ve never lived there full time as an adult, but there’s something about your home country and your hometown that stays with you, no matter where you go or how long you’re gone. Obviously, for me, my sister lives overseas, and neither of my parents were raised in Australia, but it still means a lot to me, because it’s home, you know? The industry there is… interesting, but I still think that if we didn’t have the background we all have as individuals and the band, there’s certainly a lot of decisions we’ve made and ways we’ve gone about things in our careers that are heavily influenced by our upbringings and the mindsets we all have from that experience.”

“Home is where the heart is, right?” Lizzie offers, thumbing her notebook absently.

“It’s true. But it’s also refreshing to go back and escape it all a bit, you know? None of my friends at home really give a shit about Calum from 5SOS. They just like hanging out with Cal, which is nice.” Calum shrugs, clasping his hands together on the table in front of him.

“Just Cal? Not cool guy Cal? C Dizzle Swizzle?” Lizzie bit back a grin, remembering the multitude of nicknames Cal had garnered over the years.

“Look, cool guy Cal is just my constant state of being. C Dizzle might make an appearance if I’ve had one too many, but either way, they’re just happy to see me. Or happy to tell me some home truths that I haven’t heard, or wanted to hear, so that’s important too. You can’t live in LA for as long as we have without having a good support crew to keep us grounded, you know? Even if some of the ones who mean the most to us are on the other side of the planet.” There was something in Calum’s eyes again as Lizzie looked at him, and she could tell it was more than what he was trying to say for the sake of the profile interview.

She swallowed down one final bite of the heavenly brownie, and turned the page to find her next question. Lizzie couldn’t entertain the idea of asking Calum why Michael was mad at her, because it would break the air of professionalism she was desperate to maintain; also, she wasn’t entirely sure he’d even tell her. Calum and Michael had been inseparable in their school days, and Lizzie knew that their bond and sense of loyalty no doubt ran even deeper now than then, given all of their shared experiences, trials and tribulations to date. But Calum had always been so kind and patient with her, whether she’d accidentally ruined their Year 9 science experiment, or she’d nearly thrown up on his shoes at the Year 11 formal after party, or when Michael had stormed out of the studio a few days ago and he offered her his time for the first solo interview. Lizzie brushed off the train of thought, and continued with her interview questions for Calum.

The conversation flowed easily, and Lizzie could already feel the profile starting to come together in her mind. She jotted down a handful of notes on how to adapt her questions for Luke and Ashton based on Calum’s responses, and before they realised how long they’d been chatting, the waitress returned with Calum’s two takeaway iced coffees.

Lizzie asked the waitress for the bill, but Calum waved her off.

“I’ve got it, Lizzie. Don’t stress.”

“But I can expense it! I have a receipts app, and everything!” Calum laughed at how excited Lizzie seemed at the concept of submitting a work expense claim.

“Okay, fine. You win this round.”

Lizzie pressed stop on her phone recording, and reached for her bag to slide her notebook in. The waitress returned with the bill, and Lizzie handed her travel bank card over, drumming her hands absentmindedly on the table while she waited for the waitress to come back with her card and the receipt.

“Lizzie?” Her head snapped up as Calum spoke.

“He’s not… I know it seems like he’s really mad at you, but he’s not.” It took a moment for Lizzie to register what Calum was saying.

“He’s not mad at me? He refused to speak to me and stormed out of the room the first chance he got, but he’s not mad? Right.” Lizzie couldn’t help but sound bitter as she spoke.

“I can’t speak for him, but I know him. He’s not mad, he’s just hurt about everything.” Lizzie could tell Calum was being very careful with his choice of words, and she eyed him curiously across the table.

“What does he possibly have to be hurt about? He’s the one that -” Lizzie catches herself halfway through her sentence, and squeezes her eyes shut as she inhales deeply.

“Here’s your receipt and your card back, miss. Thanks so much for visiting us today, have a lovely day!” Lizzie blinks and squints up at the waitress, who hands back her card and a paper receipt. Lizzie mumbles her thanks, and goes to stand up and slide out of the booth, and Calum follows her out of the café.

“Lizzie, I didn’t mean to upset you -” Calum’s apologetic tone had Lizzie spinning on her heel to face him once they’re through the doors of the café.

“You didn’t, Calum. It’s fine. I’m here to do a job, and I appreciate your time today, I really do. Michael and I… I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, okay? I know it won’t be easy, but for now, I just want to focus on getting the best interview content I can from you all. That’s why I’m here.” Lizzie wrings her hands nervously, and she can feel how sweaty her palms are.

“Is that the only reason you’re here?” Calum’s tone isn’t teasing, or harsh. It’s genuine, curious, soft. He’s not moving as he stands in front of Lizzie and gazes down at her from his full height.

Before Lizzie can answer, Calum’s phone starts to ring, and he casts her another glance before stepping away to answer it. While he’s chatting to whoever’s on the other end of the line, Lizzie decides to order herself an Uber and make her way back to the hotel so she can make a start on transcribing the interview with Calum. Because that was why she was here, Lizzie told herself in her head, stubbornly. Didn’t matter about the feelings in her stomach, and the tightness of her chest. She was there to write a profile about a band, nothing more, nothing less.

“I’ve got to go and meet Ash at the studio, are you all good from here?” Calum’s question broke Lizzie out of her internal dialogue.

“Yep, all good. Thanks again for your time, Cal. I really appreciate it. I think it’s going to be a great piece, and I’m intrigued to see what comes out of the other interviews. All of them.” Lizzie’s pointed tone isn’t lost on Calum, and he grimaces slightly at the fire he seems to have ignited. Ah well. Lizzie and Michael had to sort their shit out sooner or later, right?

Right?

Calum was trying to convince himself as he strolled down the street towards his car, pondering if he’d made things better or worse between Michael, his best mate through almost his entire life, and Lizzie, the girl that he’d been sure Michael would love forever, but had walked away from in a shadow of hurt, betrayal, and disbelief. The girl that apparently had no idea Michael felt that way, or that if he did, it wasn’t justified. Someone’s side of the story just wasn’t adding up, but Calum wasn’t sure whose it was. Not anymore.

Taglist: If there’s a line through your name, I couldn’t tag you, so please message me to let me know your new URL or what the go is! @suchalonelysunflower @blackbutterfliescal @redrattlers @loveroflrh @spicycal @notinthesameguey @metalandboybands @cheekysos @ashton-trash @another-lonely-heart @queenalienscherrypie @becihadshawn @allthestarsandthemoon @wheniminouterspace

#5sos fanfiction #5sos imagine #calum hood imagine #calum hood fanfiction #michael clifford fanfiction #michael clifford imagine #ashton irwin imagine #ashton irwin fanfiction #luke hemmings imagine #luke hemmings fanfiction #my writing #everybody's got their demons even wide awake or dreaming #let me know what you thiiiiiiink #part 3 is already in the works but i figured i should post part 2 first lol oops

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yoonjinkooked · 5 years ago

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I Miss You | Jungkook

Pairing: Y/N / Jungkook

Genre: Fluff, a bit of angst (mostly pining) and comedy, oneshot

Warnings: (cursing, brief mentions of anal sex (jokingly), banter, oblivious Jungkook, heavy pining on both sides)

Word Count: 3666

Summary: You are in love with your best friend and he doesn’t know it. When the two of you start breaking a long term tradition of yours, feelings become more obvious on both sides.

A/N: Jimin’s bday gift for JK fucked me up. ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ is one of my all-time favorites and today it pushed me back into Blink 182 and “I miss you”. So, I wrote this in like two hours completely inspired by the song, even though I had other stuff to write. I will go do that now. I hope you enjoy this, let me know what you think!

You could laugh at how stupid this whole thing is.

It is so ridiculous and plainly stupid but it still affects you, more than you would like to admit to anyone.

Since you were 18 and a broke college student, you and a fellow broke college student became friends, bonding over your love of music, movies, TV shows and essentially irrelevant pop culture knowledge. It didn’t take long for you and Jeon Jungkook to have weekly movie nights together, whether at his dorm room or your run down rental apartment.

It also didn’t take long for those weekly movie nights to end up being limited on one movie and one movie alone: The Nightmare Before Christmas.

There was something about that masterpiece that drew you both in, time and time again, never becoming boring. Of course, you needed to make sure of that: a few months down the road, movie nights were still a weekly occurrence but ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ nights were monthly.

You obsession went as far as dressing up as Jack and Sally for Halloween – it was a horribly executed costume, tragic even, but the two of you loved it. It was your thing. No one understood it but no one needed to – the two of you have always known.

Adulthood came knocking, graduations came and went, jobs became a daily and not a temporary thing but somehow, you and Jungkook still followed tradition.

Even three months ago, when Jungkook packed up and moved half the world away. Even with seven hours between the two of you, you still spared one day a month for your tradition.

Granted, you barely even watched the movie anymore – you would be too interested in catching up with one another, Skype was a bitch and constantly lagging and the first 15 minutes would always be spent in trying to play the movie at the same time. After yelling at each other and blaming the other one, and of course Skype, you would both just play the movie at your own terms, barely paying attention to it because you could finally look at each other again, even over a computer screen.

You were supposed to be having your movie day/night now. And for the first time in 6 whole years, Jungkook stood you up.

Twice before, movie night was cancelled. Once by you, once by him, very much in advance. And even then, it would simply end up being re-scheduled. Nothing stopped your movie nights, not illnesses, not real-life drama, not a whole ocean between the two of you.

Which is why it is actually painful now, when he did not show up.

He is online – you can see the little green light shining on his Skype name. It’s not yet late night in his time zone – he should be here. Or at the very least, texting you and asking for a last minute re-schedule.

And yet he isn’t. It’s stupid and it’s trivial and who the hell would be hurt with this but it also makes perfect sense because this? This feels like an ended chapter. No, a whole closed book.

Over the years, you and Jungkook always hovered between being the best of friends and maybe, just maybe, something a little bit more.

Frankly speaking, you had a stupid crush on him for several years and never did anything about it, perfectly aware that said crush had ruined every single attempt at a relationship you have ever had. You tried to leave it behind, knowing you would never be able to put your feelings into words, much less actions. You knew your longing for Jungkook would always remain unsaid and you tried to move on. There were men, one night stands, serious relationships, all of it – and none of it worked.

Him moving miles away didn’t have the desired effect either. It was still there, in your heart, annoying you and making it painfully obvious just how strong the stupid crush is.

But this? This situation from today? It finally did what nothing else could do.

It showed you that you and Jungkook will never be.

Seemingly meaningless to someone else, a punch in the gut for you.

JK: Y/N? You there? [4:24 AM]

JK: Y/N!!!!!!! Come on! I know you’re up! [4:36 AM]

JK: btch, I know you’re up and watching Walking Dead or something [4:39 AM]

JK: Ugh, fine, whatever [4:51 AM]

Y/N: I was sleeping, dumbass [9:08 AM]

Y/N: What do you want [9:08 AM]

JK: Finally! I wanna reschedule our movie night – I couldn’t make it last night, sorry. You wanna do it tonight? [9:14 AM]

Y/N: Can’t do it tonight – have work to do. [9:14 AM]

JK: Tomorrow night? [9:16 AM]

Y/N: Soz, work. [9:16 AM]

JK: Any night in the next two weeks? [9:17 AM]

Y/N: Ask me in a few days, I will know more. [9:22 AM]

“Thank you so much for taking me out tonight,” you smile at your date, trying to make the awkward first-date goodbye a little less awkward. Hoseok is a kind, charming guy – on paper, he is exactly what you need, what you had hoped to find. Stable in all the right ways and not textbook proper. If you were to let your imagination run wild, Hoseok would be a perfect long term companion – yes, one date was more than enough for you to realize that.

“It was my pleasure,” he smiles brightly at you, a smile that should make your stomach somersault. It doesn’t. As much as you want it to, it doesn’t. “I would very much like to do this again. Are you free on Monday, for example?” he suggests.

“I’ll have to check my schedule,” you avoid giving him a direct answer, despite knowing you have absolutely no plans for Monday night. You don’t want to lead him on but you are not brave enough to say it to his face. “I’ll message you once I know. Thank you so much and have a good sleep,” you tell him, hand already on the car door – you didn’t want to give him a chance to do something more.

“Bye Y/N,” he smiles at you as you close the door, the sound of it making you flinch.

He is perfect but he is not him.

He is not your stupid best friend, the one who eats too much ramen and misses scheduled movie nights and snorts when he laughs and cries during cheesy romcoms and makes you laugh like no one ever has.

He is not the guy you are insanely comfortable with, the guy who had made you shed every single mask you have ever worn and show yourself to him for who you really are. He is not the guy you want, he is not the guy you need.

But unlike Jungkook, he is here.

You cannot string Hoseok along and you cannot let your feelings for Jungkook take over you – it’s over and you know it. You just need to learn how to live with it.

You are so sure that you’re dreaming, you don’t even bother lifting your head, much less answering your phone when you hear it ringing. Soon enough, it stops and you almost fall right back into your dream before it rings again – and this time too, you don’t even bother because it’s obviously a dream.

The third time it had started to ring, you know you’re not dreaming.

You also know that it’s fucking late and as ‘How I Met Your Mother’ had taught you, nothing good happens after 2AM.

With a sense of dread, you do reach for your phone, not bothering to open your eyes as you try to slide your finger on the right area.

“What?”

“Hey… it’s me,” you recognize his voice instantly.

“Jungkook what the fuck do you want?” you sigh. “It’s almost,” you pause to look at your phone’s clock, nearly blinding yourself in the process, forcing your eyes shut as soon as you saw the exact time. “It’s past 4AM. What the fuck?”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s late,” he apologizes instantly. “But I just wanted to see what you were up to.”

“What I-,” sometimes, like right now, you cannot believe the stupidity Jeon Jungkook can utter. For a genuinely bright and knowledgeable person, there are times when he truly is the biggest dumbass you have encountered in your whole life. “I’m sleeping – what the fuck did you think I’d be doing?”

“Sorry for waking you up,” he mumbles. He doesn’t even have to be in front of you for you to know that he is pouting – right about now, he is looking like a kicked puppy, making you want to hug him and punch him at the same time, because even with an entire ocean between the two of you, he is using his charms in his favor – he knows how fucking whipped you are for his pout, even if you can’t see it.

“Did something happen?” you ask, finally realizing that he must have some reason to call you at this hour.

“Why weren’t you here today for our movie night?” he blurts out.

“Huh? Jungkook, we didn’t plan a movie night today.”

“No, we didn’t but we always have it on a Saturday,” he tells you. “I just assumed after weeks of not having one, we will have one this Saturday.”

“I never confirmed that,” you mumble, suddenly not as sleepy as you were seconds ago.

“I watched it alone,” he admits, his voice sounding oddly sentimental. However, you are still sleepy and could very well be imagining the whole thing. “It felt so weird, to watch it without you. It felt wrong.”

“I watched it alone the last time we had our movie night,” you remind him, hoping that you don’t sound too sour. You are not angry – you’re really not. Yes, you are still a little bit hurt, but not by his actions. You are hurt because those actions made you realize the truth you have been avoiding for years now. “It felt wrong then too. But life goes on.”

“What do you mean life goes on?” he asks.

“Life goes on,” you repeat. “We live in different places now. We have our own obligations. I had a date tonight – last time, you had… whatever it is that you had. We are not those stupid students anymore, Jungkook. Traditions are cool but real life gets in the way.”

“I don’t want life to go on without our tradition,” he uses his kicked puppy voice again.

“Me neither but tough luck.”

“Was the date good?”

“It was,” you answer honestly. You could never lie to Jungkook – not in person, not over text, not over the phone. Keeping things to yourself was a more common practice than you’d like to admit but never have you lied to him. “It was good but there won’t be a second one.”

“That’s very contradictory,” he points out.

“I know,” you sigh. “I guess I just had to admit to myself that he wasn’t what I am looking for.”

“Y/N, do you even know what you are looking for?” he chuckles.

Better than you might think. “I know exactly what I am looking for. Sleep. Goodbye Jungkook.”

“Y/N, wait-“ he tries to stop you.

“We will talk in a few hours. Goodbye!”

You had to end the call before you ended up saying things you will likely end up regretting. They were there, on the tip of your tongue. It would have been so easy to say them, to finally not carry that burden with you. It would have been easy, therapeutic even. But the aftermath? The aftermath would have destroyed you and you knew it.

You curse when the ringing drags you away from your dream – it was a good dream too. You were eating chicken wings and someone, you can already imagine who, decided to pull you away from it.

Jungkook and you had a timetable of times when it is socially acceptable to call the other one – different time zones made you do it. For four months, both of you were perfectly capable of sticking to it. Except, over the course of last week, Jungkook had decided to blatantly ignore it, several times.

“Jungkook, this is the third time this week you wake me up at the dead of night,” you answer the phone angrily, not even checking the caller ID because you know it’s him. “What do you want?”

“I miss you.”

“You truly could have waited a few more hours to tell me that.”

“Actually, I couldn’t,” he tells you, to which you just roll your eyes. “Y/N, I’m going to need you to not interrupt me now – I have something to say. Are you awake enough to listen?” he checks.

“I am,” you mumble. Yeah, now you are, when the dumbass woke you up.

“I miss you,” he tells you the same thing again, the words not having much of an effect on you because you know he is not missing you in the way you want him to. “It pisses me off that we don’t have our movie nights anymore. It is just so wrong to watch ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ without you and it pisses me off that it’s like that – it’s just a stupid movie. I should be able to watch it without thinking about you every damn second.”

You want to reply to that, of course you do, but his earlier request and frankly, your surprise, leave you speechless. You do however sit up, knowing that even if you ended the call this second, you wouldn’t be able to fall asleep for the remainder of the night.

“I know that this is not something I should be doing right now,” he continues. “It’s wrong and if I am going to say it, I should at least say it to your face and not over the phone, at the dead of night. But I just… I can’t keep it in anymore, you know? I miss you. I miss you so fucking much Y/N.”

You want to ask him why, you want to brush it off. After years of keeping your hopes down, you don’t want one misunderstanding to get them up. You know, you just know, he doesn’t miss you like that.

“Ever since I got here, I have kept living with this horrible feeling,” Jungkook admits, swallowing lumps as he speaks. “I know I have made a mistake. I knew it even before I left. I thought it would clear my head, lessen your influence or whatever… and it just didn’t. I am still feeling the same way about you as I did before and now I can’t even see you. I sabotaged myself.”

He is talking about his feelings for you, he said it in those very words and still, you don’t want to believe what you’re hearing, knowing that if you believe it, the eventual truth will leave you broken. Your heart however gives you away – it starts beating faster, excited at what this could mean.

“I miss you, Y/N. And I don’t just miss you as a friend. That’s a given, that will always be true, even if you don’t ever want to see my face after tonight. But I just needed to put it out there before I… exploded. I miss you. I want to be right there, right next to you. Kissing you, holding your hand… doing all sorts of things to you, things that would make you blush and kick me in the shin if I were to voice them. I don’t want to scare and chase you away, I don’t want to lose you as a friend, that’s exactly why I haven’t said this for so long but I just can’t keep it in. Not when you are ditching movie nights and going on dates and living your best life while I am… pining after you. And I don’t blame you – you didn’t know, I made sure of that. But now you do. And whatever your response is, just know that I will always consider you my best friend, whether you let me fuck you into oblivion and hold your hand 24/7 or if you never want to see my sorry ass ever again.”

For the first time in a very long time, your heart and mind are on the same page. One is not trying to hold to hold the other one back or to push it into something that makes no sense. No, your heart and mind are not working together, both perfectly aware and very accepting of that fact that for you, it was always going to be Jungkook.

Whether your feelings are returned or not, whether it never happens or lasts a lifetime, it was always going to be him.

And now, when your mind is finally accepting, and aware of Jungkook’s feelings, you can finally embrace the feeling you have spent years, fucking years, trying to escape.

He likes you. Hell, if he’s anything like you, he is in love with you. ‘Like’ is too weak. You like someone you barely know. When you know the person you like, when you actually know them, the way you and Jungkook know each other, it’s more than just ‘like’.

“Can I talk now?” you ask.

“I kind of want to say no,” Jungkook sheepishly admits. “But I know you have to. So go on, Y/N. Go on and break my heart. For all I know, that may be the exact thing I need.”

“Okay, now I’m going to ask you to shut the fuck up,” you deadpan, not surprised when you hear silence on the other side – Jungkook was never a push around but the truth of the matter is, he knows how scary you can get when you are angry. He doesn’t want to make you angry, not right now. “Seeing as you moved your ass to a different continent and couldn’t wait till the morning to call me, you are obviously blind and completely unaware of the massive crush I’ve had on you for years.”

It’s his turn to be stunned to silence.

Or maybe he’s quiet because you asked him to. Shit.

“I’m done,” you tell him. “Your turn.”

“That’s all you’re gonna say?”

“Are you seriously complaining right now?” you ask in disbelief. “What more do you need? I like you, you dumbass. I have liked you for years! I want you here, next to me, holding my hand and all that shit. And all the things you say you want to do to me, if I were you, I would compile a list of them before coming back home because I’d let you do them all.”

“Y/N, are you-“

“Well, maybe not all. I’m still iffy about the butt stuff.”

“Are you seriously talking about anal while confessing your feelings for me?!”

“I just didn’t want you to get your hopes up for nothing, that’s all,” you admit in a low voice. You know you’re going to end up regretting saying this. Jungkook has a horrible, yet endearing habit of reminding you of all the embarrassing things you have ever said in his presence and mentioning anal sex in the middle of such a heartfelt conversation will definitely make the cut.

“I miss you even more now,” he admits, sighing into the phone. “Do you seriously like me?”

“Yes,” you reassure him. “It’s weird, I know.”

“Hey!”

“It is!” you argue. “You are my best friend. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way.”

“Or maybe it was absolutely supposed to happen that way,” he counters. “Is there a better feeling than falling for your best friend?”

“Hell yeah, it’s a horrible feeling,” you laugh. “It only feels good when you know it’s not one-sided.”

“Okay, you do have a point there,” he chuckles. You find yourself feeling all giddy on the inside, biting your lip and fighting the urge to yell out of pure happiness. It’s actually happening. After years of not being able to keep him out of your heart, you finally don’t have to. Sure, the whole conversation is weird as fuck but it’s also very Jungkook. Very you and Jungkook. If it had happened in any other way, it would not be so characteristically you. “So… now what?”

“You’re the one who moved away – you need to answer that one.”

“Temporarily,” he sighs. “I tell you this every time Y/N, it’s temporary-“

“Yeah, yeah.”

“-because I literally can’t stand being away from you,” he ends with a sigh, making your heart flutter all over again. “I’ll still be here for two months. I’d say… maybe you should go to your living room and play our movie. And we can watch it once a week, sticking to our tradition. And then, when I come back home, I will kiss you silly and make both of us regret being silent for as long as we were.”

“You gonna date me?” you giggle as you get up and head straight for your living room.

“I’m gonna date the shit out of you,” he announces.

“Are you gonna meet my parents?”

“I already know your parents, Y/N,” he laughs and you chuckle too, as you turn on your TV. “But I’ll gladly meet them all over again. We need to discuss how much you’ll be bringing into our marriage, after all.”

“Oh, fuck you!” you laugh.

“Give it two months babe and you will do just that.”

“You are insufferable.”

“And you love it.”

Watching ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ was always a special tradition for the two of you, but never more special than now, with him half the world away and on the phone with you, while you banter and ignore the growing feeling in your chest, acting as if this is a completely normal thing to do on a Wednesday at 3AM. Because for the two of you, it kind of is.

#jungkook fanfiction #jungkook fluff #bts fluff #bts fanfiction #jungkook fic #bts fic #bangtan fanfiction #jeon jungkook #jungkook #jeongguk #jungkook oneshot #bts oneshot

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darkpoisonouslove · 4 years ago

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2020 in Words

After the total exhaustion and lack of motivation of the last few months, I have finally found the strength to review 2020. In terms of writing, that is. Otherwise, we ain’t touching that with a 100-foot pole. But anyway, let’s get to the actual good part of 2020 - the writing.

Word Count:

678, 105 words

And that isn’t actually all. I have started various things that 2021 caught still in progress so there are more words to be added to that number but I’ll count them towards whatever time frame I finish them in (I do not even dare assume that all of them will be finished this year).

A little over 1/7th of that word count was accomplished only in March when I wrote over 100k words. Wow, productivity where did you go? I know that the world is going to hell but do you mind coming back? I can use you. I have so many new ideas that I am really excited about but totally lack the energy to actually get to. Hope that will change in the next weeks because there is A Lot going on in my head that I am actually dying to share.

Fandoms:

Winx Club has totally taken over for me. I have barely written five works this year that are not about that show and I just don’t know what is happening anymore. I have so many thoughts and things to discuss and fix about it and I have a feeling that some upcoming events will only reinforce that position. But what truly matters is that it has truly made 2020 more bearable to be in the fandom and write fic. The interactions with other fans have been lovely which is totally worth the brain damage that some experiences over this show have inflicted.

Once Upon a Time lurked until about the half of the year but I can’t say that I have been actively interested in it. I just rewatched 4A for the Frozen Swan interactions and 4B for Cruella De Vil and that was pretty much all of it this year. I think it’s safe to say that at this point I have more or less moved on from the show and I do not expect a miraculous comeback to it. Which leaves my rewatch dangling over the chasm of uncertainty but I have projects I am far more interested in rn to be thinking about that.

I actually joined the Lucifer fandom this year, though I cannot say that I am active in it at all. It was nice to challenge myself with the small contribution I made to the fanworks in the fandom so I am putting it here because I am not done with watching the show even though I don’t think I have a good enough grasp on any of the characters in order to actually write them.

Ships:

Well, 2020 definitely delivered on that front. I have found myself piles of new ships to ship the hell out. Some I am more grateful about, others leave me slightly bitter over not knowing what to do with them but it certainly hasn’t been boring. Because this is my wrap-up and contemplation, I get to list them and maybe say a couple of words about some of them.

Griffin x Valtor - Not new but it was definitely the biggest part of that year.

Griffin x Valtor x Faragonda - New in the sense of me having written a fic about this now... and having several more ideas on my drives so... beware, future!

Griffin x Faragonda - Also not new but when the feelings catch up with me, they really mean it. Two major bursts of inspiration about them have left me with interesting results and I am looking forward to finding out where this goes.

Marion x Oritel - That was new. It was the first new ship of the year. I have more ideas about them but the muse has not visited lately. I am not giving up, though. Sometimes you gotta sail the ship even when there’s no wind.

Flora x Icy - That was definitely a surprise. I don’t know what happened but I do know that a goddamn look at Pinterest has brought on an entire epic about them (and the other Trix and Winx) so... thanks for that, Pinterest. I wish you could pin free time on Pinterest and go consume it later so that I would actually have the time to work on all of this.

Layla x Stella - Oh, yeah, baby! I have feelings and I really want to do at least an outline of what would be too long to actually write as a fic, especially since I have A Lot on my plate rn.

Griffin x Griselda - Well, that... happened. I have no idea where any of this is going, only that it is a major part of Griffin’s arc in my most major series so... I guess it’s headed somewhere. Just have to stay along for the ride.

Zarathustra x Griselda - So totally trashcankitty12′s fault... But I guess I am the one responsible for actually including it in already ongoing stories.

Ediltrude x DuFour - Okay, that one I totally roped myself into. Do I regret it? ... Maybe a little because it may need to remain just background thanks to everything else that I have going on.

Griffin x Marion - Almost forgot that which is a damn shame because it is one of my absolute most favorite ships.

Griffin x Valtor x Marion - Not gonna lie, this has been sneaking into some stray ideas too repetitively to be an accident. Will it ever exist outside of my head, though?

Samara x Erendor - I just wanted to make them more likable to me because they were my least favorite characters on the show. Worked too well and now I am in fic hell.

Bloom x Sky - I got ONE idea, okay? Too bad that I love it too much for my own good, especially considering that it is sort of a rewrite of the series. Like I didn’t have enough of those already.

There are more, actually, but we will be here all day if I have to list every stray idea that I have entertained so let’s just move on.

Stories:

Winx Club - 80 (4 unfinished and 3 that I have been dragging with me since 2019 for a total of 7/111 incomplete.)

OUAT - 3 (all finished but I have two collections that are still open from 2019 and 2018 respectively)

Lucifer - 1 (it was a one-shot but I am glad that I managed to write it at all)

Original works - 1 (poem that I came up with at 4am)

That makes a total of 85 written works this year which is honestly astounding! My brain has been harping on me about not being productive since June but I have actually gotten quite a lot of work done! (Fun fact - my total for 2019 was 58 stories, and for 2020 it is 85 XD. We’re gonna need some new numbers in 2021.)

First fic of the year - Gold and Purple (Griffin x Valtor AU inspired by a Bulgarian folk tale)

Last fic of the year - New Warmth to Weave in Your Garden of Shine (Samara x Erendor + New Year traditions and worldbuilding on Eraklyon)

Favorite writing moment - that has got to be coming up with a wild idea for my season rewrite that I will not be spoiling now. It was also inspired by Bulgarian folklore and I am so excited to reveal it (because it is so fucking grand) but we will all have to be patient.\

Wildest writing experience - definitely the entirety of chapter 4 from A Home You Never Knew How to Have. Man, that was... a goddamn ride. In every sense of the word. I still haven’t reread that bitch after posting it even though I have opened it probably a hundred times.

I launched several series this year that will need a lot of work to be brought to completion. Naturally, my focus is not on finishing those but on starting new things. Because of course it is. So here’s a heads-up for another post that will be coming shortly with announcements of my ideas. I would like to call it a plan for 2021 but I fear that will be too presumptuous of me so I will say that it is my hope that those are things that are to be released this year but I will only lapel them as projects that I am looking forward to rather than “upcoming”.

Other Works:

This year actually bore a couple other forms of art so I am going to list my creations in other mediums below because they deserve the attention.

Aesthetics:

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Marion

Ediltrude & Zarathustra

Siren AU:

Griffin

Ediltrude

Zarathustra

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Magic-Swapped Transformations:

Griffin Winx

Ediltrude Winx

Zarathustra Winx

Griffin Chamrix

Ediltrude Chamrix

Zarathustra Chamrix

Griffin Enchantix

Ediltrude Enchantix

Zarathustra Enchantix

Videos:

Griffin/Valtor - The Devil I Know

Winx - Trouble

Marion x Oritel/Griffin x Valtor/Faragonda x Hagen - Savage

Bloom/Mitzi - Wicked

Samara - You Should See Me in a Crown

Bloom/Sky - Kerosene

Winx Rewatch:

I actually rewatched all 8 seasons of the show + the 3 movies and I have written out my thoughts on all of them. You can find them here:

Winx Club Season 1 4kids (Stream of Consciousness) (I am actually considering redoing this one because it wasn’t in-depth like the others are)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Magical Adventure (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Mystery of the Abyss (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 1: Destiny of Bloom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 2: Revenge of the Trix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 3: The Battle for Magix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 4: The Shadow Phoenix (Stream of Consciousness)

I will not be writing any takeaways because I already talked about some of those in an ask and my brain is too fired at the moment to pull off some actual analysis and compose a proper conclusion. To be perfectly honest, I prefer not to think too much on 2020. It brought a lot of good things along with the bad but I still prefer not to look back on it if it isn’t necessary. I think it received enough of my energy already.

#my writing #my fanfiction #my fanfic #about me #personal #2020 #in retrospect #2020 in words #winx club #winx club rewatch #winx rewatch #links #long post #aesthetics #videos #visuals #reviews #thoughts

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you-andthebottlemen · 6 years ago

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56 - Request: SIDETRACK song fic

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Going against my better judgement, a verrryyyy drunk Evangeline is posting this at 4am....

I got home a couple days ago and life hasn’t been so kind to me. Aka I had ‘welcome home’ drinks with friends which turned into me crying over all the scary things going on for me right now and making everyone just watch catfish/van videos with me.....

You wouldn’t believe how many tries it took to type this without typos...anywayyyy please send me your thoughts and ENJOY!! And listen to past me below:

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Okay so I don’t think I’ve ever worked as hard or as long on a request before....I’m pretty proud of this one? I tried to draw both from the request and the lyrics and meld it all together. Ahhh I hope you all love it as much as I do!

Would honestly love some feedback on this one, so if you read it and love it or hate it or something in between, please feel free to drop me a message or an ask! I just want my writing to get better so I wanna know what works and what doesn’t etc. Just give me any and all thoughts :)

Based on this request:

A Sidetrack song fic where the reader is one of Van’s best friends (like a second Larry) and they’ve always been more than just mates... and they start to get somewhere but then Van gets the hots for another girl and he always has to visit when they tour by her house, but they fall out and the reader’s the god in the ‘if I try to talk to god and she’s forgot your name, you won’t get through’ lyric and Van realises that it’s the reader that he’s really wanted all along? [1/2] And it’s kind of angsty because the reader’s like ‘well why didn’t you have me when you had the chance’ and there’s really sad Van because he realises how dirty he did the reader but it ends with a big load of fluff? Is this a bad concept? Idk [2/2]

I hope this is everything you wanted anon, thank you sooo much for requesting <3

Also I hope you don’t mind that I wrote this from two POV’s! It seemed to make more sense to me to write a song fic from Van’s POV idk….

E x

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‘YOUR’ – reader’s POV:

Your roommates were away, you had no idea where Larry was and since Van would be late back from the studio, you felt a little lost at your own house party. It had grown way bigger than planned and you didn’t know half the people who’d shown up. You escaped to the kitchen, thinking it would be a refuge from the drunken house guests and their plus one’s. But alas, you were thrown into the deep end of drinking games. Somehow, you’d been convinced to play a round of Truth or Dare. You despised the game, well drinking games in general, but were tipsy enough already not to care. The music was loud in your ears and your whole body was buzzing.

So far you’d been lucky, relatively speaking. You pranked called your sister. You told the story of your most embarrassing sexual encounter. It was all pretty juvenile but that was okay. You just kept drinking your way through your six pack of canned ciders and enjoyed the feeling of slowly becoming intoxicated. Though through your drunken haze, you managed to spot a familiar black suede jacket and mop of sandy brown hair try and pass through the kitchen unnoticed.

“Vaaan!”

Van turned on his heels, his face lighting up when he saw you. He came over and leant on the wall beside where you were sat. You rested your head on him and he stroked your hair gently as a hello. Quickly you pulled away and introduced Van to anyone at the table he’d not already met.

“Gotten a bit mental here y/n,” he laughed, looking around him. You nodded and shrugged; not your problem right now.

“Come and play Van!” Ella interrupted, reaching out to hold his arm and batting her eyelashes at him flirtatiously.

Your stomach nauseated for a moment. She probably had a crush on him, quite a few your friends did. No one understood how you could simply be friends with Van and not head over heels in love with him. Though what people didn��t know, was that somewhere along the way you’d began to feel some very non-platonic feelings develop. This terrified you beyond belief. You were y/n and Van. Best mates. You’d seen the worst of each other and you’d seen the best, shared life experiences, grown together. You were the ‘female Larry’ apparently. You knew nothing else. And because of all this, you kept your feelings a secret, buried deep inside, too afraid of losing him.

“Nah, I was just gonna duck out for a smoke actually,” he replied, trying to worm his way out politely.

“Come on Van…I daaare you,” you replied, looking up at him mischievously.

You knew he wouldn’t be able to resist that glint in your eyes. Van took one of your cans and sat down beside you with a heavy eye roll.

Sure, maybe you and Van were a little closer than just friends at times with your cuddles or meaningless flirtations. Sometimes you even thought that just maybe, he felt the same things for you back. However, you were never sure and never confident enough to say anything. You just suffered in silence and pretended you didn’t feel whatever it was you felt.

Despite his strong dislike of drinking games, Van was actually enjoying himself. Everyone was laughing and goofing around, Van had a grin plastered to his face and you felt warm inside seeing him take part in some normality. It was good for him.

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Van replied confidently then took a sip of his drink.

“Van, I dare you to kiss y/n,” one of the girls said, a sly smile on her face.

Your stomach dropped and your heart seized up in your chest. No way. You didn’t want your first, or only kiss, with Van to be because of a stupid, drunken dare. You began to panic and sweat lightly. With a gulp you glanced at Van. He had a dreamy little smile on his lips. You wanted to stop playing, to back out. Though you found yourself too nervous to speak.

Everyone else at the table looked utterly thrilled at the prospect of seeing you two kiss, except Ella who wore a tiny frown.

“Alright…” Van said quietly to himself then skulled the rest of his can. “Pucker up, babe,” he winked. You just stared at him blankly.

Before you could prepare for or even think about what was happening, Van moved in and held a hand to your jaw then pressed his soft, cider flavoured lips to yours. You swore your heart stopped. After a second of shock induced stillness, you kissed him back. Hard. You heard people cheer and whistle but all you could think about was how Van’s lips were warm and his faced seemed to fit perfectly together with yours and how his hand felt cupping your cheek.

When you both pulled back for air, you met his swimming blue eyes for a moment, and both just stared into each other. It was a proper kiss, not just a peck and you didn’t know what to make of it. Van sat back into his chair and laughed as he hung an arm around the back of your chair casually. You couldn’t wrap your head around what’d just happened; you were too drunk and too dizzied by your feelings and rapid heart rate. You sat back quietly and took another gulp of cider from your half empty can, then forced a smile onto your dazed face. The rest of the game played out like a dream; you couldn’t focus and things felt blurry. Your mind was stuck on the fact that you’d just kissed Van, your best friend and it was a big fucking deal for you. Was it a big deal for him too?

Eventually you sipped water and sat out of the final rounds under the pretence you were feeling dizzy; not exactly a lie. You watched as Van completed dare after dare and listened to the occasional truth he’d have to spill. When your mate from work, Todd suggested another game, you pulled a face. Van took your hand in his under the table and without a fight, you let him lead you away out of the kitchen.

In the living room you spotted Larry playing cards on the sofa around the coffee table, wedged between the arm rest and a couple making out. Nice. Van picked up a bottle of wine from the coffee table, careful not to disturb the game. You looked at all the chaos around you; people hooking up, dancing, talking, taking photos. Some poor chap on the floor. Van placed a hand on the small of your back.

“Wanna get outta here?”

“Yes please.”

You and Van slipped away from the heart of the party and disappeared to your room. You collapsed back onto your bed with your eyes shut. Even though you were still, the alcohol in your blood made you feel as though you were actually on a boat rocking side to side.

Van shed his jacket then fiddled around with your record player but gave up when he realised the music from the living room would drown out anything he put on. He sat beside you on the bed and opened the bottle he’d brought. You sat up and he held it out to you. You took a swig then passed it back. You took it in turns with the bottle while making pointless, drunk chatter under the yellow glow of your fairy lights. All the while, the thought of kissing Van played on your mind.

When you’d had enough wine, you fell onto your back again and stared up at the ceiling. Van put the bottle on the floor then lay down, his shoulder pressed to yours. You were close enough to smell his cologne and hear his breath. You shut your eyes and Van let out a contented sigh.

“Some dare huh…” you said nervously, but your tone light-hearted.

“Yeah,” he chuckled. Van moved to lay on his side and face you, his head propped up with his arm. “You’re a good kisser,” he added.

You fluttered your eyes open and gazed up at him. He was really close now and your chest tightened once again. You didn’t know how to reply but you were sure the hot pink blush on your cheeks said it all. Van’s eyes were sparkling in the dim light, his eyelashes casting small shadows onto his cheeks. You looked at the seas of freckles dotted around his face, his gingery stubble, the shape of his pink lips. Quite simply, he looked beautiful. Van was staring at you too and he seemed to notice your eyes on his lips. The tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. This was brand new territory for you both.

“Van I- “

Before you could finish your sentence, Van swooped in and kissed you, again. Your eyes widened in shock for a moment then you melted into the kiss. You grabbed his hair urgently in your hands and he wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you as close as he could. You didn’t realise how desperate you were for this moment until you were thrown into it. You found your rhythm together and things heated up quickly. Van slipped a warm hand under your shirt, running his fingers lightly across your skin, making you shiver. You pulled away slightly and looked at him. Both of you breathed heavily.

“Is this okay?” he asked, his voice a low whisper.

You nodded and moved your hands slowly to his belt, keeping your eyes locked on his. They were still sparkling but now full of lust; it drove you mad to see him look at you that way.

“It’s not weird?” you asked.

“Not weird,” he breathed with eyes half shut, and impatiently kissed you again.

You managed to undo Van’s belt and he ripped it away, your shirt close behind. Somehow you both shed the rest of your clothing and you hardly had a moment to think about the fact you were naked in front of Van for the first time; utterly vulnerable. You were too intoxicated by both alcohol and him to care. Van pulled you beneath the sheets, skin on skin and all thoughts of the party outside or drinking games or friendship, left your minds.

……………………………..

You thought things with Van had started to get somewhere after you’d drunkenly slept together for the first time. The sex was messy, but it was intense and felt right. Furthermore, it stirred those feelings in you that you couldn’t ignore any longer. You thought maybe he reciprocated whatever it was that you had begun to feel for him. It had felt like more than just sex between friends. But it seemed you were wrong. It wasn’t too awkward at first but after a little while, Van seemed distant and distracted. Soon enough, he was off on tour again and things became even more complicated.

You spoke on the phone or facetime every so often, but it was different. This was the first time you and Van had been on the outs and it was killing you. You’d spoken to Larry briefly; all he’d said was that Van probably had the hots for some girl and his head wasn’t straight because of it, not to take it personally. But you were taking it personally and for the first time, you’d hoped that girl was you. That perhaps his behaviour was because he was struggling to come to terms with his feelings for you too.

Weeks went by and after a long period of deliberation, you decided to take the plunge and tell Van how you felt. When tour was done and he was home, you managed to get Van to commit to coming over for a drink. You heard his knock on the door, you let him in saying a shaky hello. He kissed you on the cheek and asked how you’d been. It all felt forced. Once the pleasantries were done, you decided to bite the bullet.

“Van, I know things with us have been…off lately. But I think I need to tell you…” you began, folding your hands into your lap nervously.

Van placed his drink down on the table and looked at you, his expression unreadable. You squeezed your eyes shut and exhaled before looking him dead in the eye and letting your heart spill from your mouth.

“I have feelings for you. I tried to ignore it but ever since that one night at the party I just… can’t keep pretending.”

The bombshell was dropped. It felt equally like a weight had been lifted and like you’d just made the worst decision of all time. Van sat up and ran his hands through his hair. Your heart began to pound and you felt a little faint. You couldn’t believe what you’d said, or the implications of such words. Van opened his mouth and for a moment, you thought he might just confess his feelings as well.

“Look, y/n. I…I’ve met someone.”

You blinked slowly and shook your head in disbelief. That was the last thing you expected him to respond with.

“What?”

“I knew it was a mistake for us to sleep together,” he muttered and your heart broke. “It’s messed everything up.” He looked away from you and bit his lip.

“Van, you kissed me first?! You led me on.”

You felt angry now and you fought to hold back tears.

“I was drunk y/n…. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

“So this girl then, that’s why you’ve been so distant from me?”

“Partly, I guess. I don’t know...” Van looked down again; he knew he was being a dick.

You scoffed angrily and wiped your watery eyes. It was your own fault for reading so much into it. It was just one instance of drunken sex between friends, nothing more, clearly. You’d been wrong to cling onto any shred of hope that it had been significant. You should never have said anything.

“So, you don’t feel anything for me at all?” you asked bluntly.

“You’re my best mate…” he replied quietly.

You nodded and turned away, that was all the answer you needed. You felt devasted and it made your chest burn. Not only had you been rejected, you’d probably lost your best friend. You couldn’t shake the anger you felt towards Van for taking you to your room, kissing you, initiating things. Though how was he to know that to you, it would all mean so much more? You sighed sadly, letting the pain flood your body and slowly replace the anger. You didn’t expect him to drop everything and just be with you. But you didn’t think the conversation would go like this…

“But that’s my point… we are best mates. I know you like no one else,” you said slowly, trying to let the anger go. “Van, I should be everything you want…”

………………………………

Van’s POV

“But that’s my point… we are best mates. I know you like no one else. Van, I should be everything you want…”

I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I was frozen. Y/n was my best mate apart from Larry. Yeah, we’d had the one night of drunk sex that had made things weird. But I didn’t know she had feelings? That freaked me the fuck out. I’d never have kissed her for that dare if I’d known…I wouldn’t have led her on this way.

Her words, ‘I should be everything you want’ rang through my brain and did my head in.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated, like an absolute mug. I was standing there breaking her heart and had nothin’ to say. Christ.

I felt annoyed she’d not said anything sooner about how she felt. And annoyed at myself for having missed it all this time. Y/n let her head fall into her hands and she sniffed, holding back tears. I reached out to put a hand on her arm but she sat bolt upright and ducked away from my touch. Her eyes were all red and glassy.

“You should go Van, forget I said anything.”

“Y/n…”

“Just go Van, go back to your girl.”

Her voice was sharp and hit me like a slap in the face. Y/n stood and motioned towards the door. I was feeling frustrated, mad at the fact she’d thrown all these feelings at me and was upset she wasn’t getting the same feelings from me back.

“Fuck this. See you,” I said, my voice flat and pissed off.

I left without another word, not really sure of what the fuck just happened. I knew I was in the wrong; I could have handled this better. Talk to her sooner, tell her I’d met someone sooner. But how was I to know she had feelings for me? Besides, she didn’t exactly seem willing to talk it out. Guess I’d not given that impression either. I didn’t wanna stick around and fight about it.

Once I was outside her front gate, I let out a heavy, frustrated sigh and raised my arms so I could fold them behind my head to breathe. My mind was racing a million miles an hour and I was full of feelings I didn’t know what to do with. If I was being honest, the fact I’d met someone wasn’t the whole reason I’d been off with y/n. It was just weird after the party, awkward and I didn’t know how to act.

Ironically, the person I would talk with about what to do in this situation would be y/n. But obviously that wasn’t going to happen. I contemplated calling Larry, but he was on a night out and didn’t need the bother.

As I walked down y/n’s street to head home, I flicked through my contacts. Zina. The girl I’d met on tour, the one I’d mentioned to y/n. I couldn’t talk to her about all this, but I could talk to her. Distract myself. I checked the time in her part of the world then pushed call. I spent the rest of the walk home talking and laughing with Zina, letting the situation with y/n get flooded out of my head completely.

………………

I was used to the ‘long distance’ sort of thing by now; I was hardly ever in the same place as my friends, family, whoever I was dating. It was always hard, but it was a lifestyle you got used to, especially when the perk of it is getting to travel the world and play music. Me and Zina had hit things off in America when we last toured. She even came out to visit me back in England once. She was incredible. Me and her just bounced off each other immediately, like we’d known each other for ages. Plus, she was dead gorgeous.

I was back in America, staying at hers for a while before a press run started. I was sat on her couch, legs stretched out on the coffee table and scrolling through my phone aimlessly. I decided to log onto Instagram for the first time in what, 6 months? A year? Don’t know. I scrolled down the feed and saw a post by y/n.

My heart dropped into my stomach. I’d not seen her or spoken to her since that night at her house. We’d never not talked for this long before. Were we even still mates? Usually when I’d fall out with someone, I’d just let things go their separate ways. You go your way and I’ll go mine, you know? And that’s sort of what I’d done here too; neither of us had reached out to one another.

Y/n was smiling wide, her arms wrapped around someone I didn’t know. She looked happy but it stung and I couldn’t tell you why. Quietly, Zina sat down beside me. I quickly switched my phone off and put it down.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, handing me a cup of tea and eyeing the phone I’d slid away.

“Nothin’ babe,” I smiled and leant over to kiss her.

She kissed me back but seemed off, kind of hesitant.

“Why were you looking at that photo of y/n?”

Zina and me had been together a few months now, so I’d told her in short what happened between me and y/n. Her feelings, my lack of, now the no contact.

“I wasn’t, it just came up on Instagram or whatever,” I replied, sighing and rubbing my face with my empty hand.

“Okay…”

I sipped my tea and tucked Zina up beside me. She curled her feet under her and rested her head on my shoulder. We sat in silence for a while just letting the sun from her large glass windows hit us and soak in.

“Do you ever wish things with her had been different?” she asked.

“What? I mean yeah, I don’t like that she’s suddenly gone from my life. Aside from Larry she was my best pal.”

“I mean, do you wish you had tried things with her? Been with her?”

Being thrown this idea of an alternative option threw me off. I’d not considered it all. It was like if someone had suggested I’d date Larry. She was my best friend. She’d always been on one side of the spectrum, off limits. I’d never seen her as anything but what she always was to me.

But then again….I had slept with her that time so I guess it wasn’t the same after all. Maybe subconsciously I had seen her in a different light and so I crossed that boundary with her. Thinking about lines and boundaries made my head spin. The possibility of being in a relationship with y/n genuinely had not crossed my mind, not even when she confessed her feelings to me. It was one that made me feel an overwhelming sense of confusion. It was too much to take apart in my head so I simply pushed it away. She was my friend, like Larry.

“No. Where’s this comin’ from babe?” I asked, looking down at Zina.

She shrugged and looked away. The vibe between us felt weird now, like she was upset about something I couldn’t see. I let out a breath. Girls, Christ.

…………………

“Van, I can’t do this. I can’t be with you while clearly, you’re in love with someone else.”

Zina wiped tears from her eyes and sniffed, avoiding my gaze. My bags were packed by the door, waiting for me to pick them up and run to the taxi to get to the airport with boys. Tour was starting up again. But that could wait right now.

“What? I’m not in love with someone else,” I pleaded, pain and confusion ripping right through me. I moved closer and took her shoulders in my hands. “Please don’t do this, I love you. No one else,” I said softly.

“Stop…please. You know I love you too, but I don’t want this anymore.”

Zina pushed my hands off her and wrapped her arms around herself. Tears leaked down her cheeks and she took a step back. I felt my own eyes start to prickle.

“I don’t fuckin’ understand what you’re sayin’ Zina. Things were good with us? Are good with us. Who am I supposedly in love with?”

“Y/n.” She said bluntly. My eyes bulged and frustration bubbled up inside.

“Fuck’s sake no I’m not. How many times do we have to go through this? She was my friend. Like Larry.”

Zina rolled her eyes angrily.

“Van. You always talk about her with the guys, asking what she’s up to. You write songs about her still, I know you do. She’s always on your mind and you miss her, I get it. But I think if you stop and look a little harder, you’ll see why. You’re in love with her and you don’t even know it,” she let it all spill out of her. I stood in stunned silence at the words being thrown at me.

“It’s not your fault but I can’t keep feeling like I’m second best or just a place holder…” she sniffed, her eyes still running like taps. I wanted to wipe the tears from her cheeks, but I knew she wouldn’t let me.

“You’re not, I swear. Don’t do this,” I begged.

“I just can’t be with you anymore Van. I love you but I can’t.”

Fuck this. I moved closer and grabbed her face in my hands and kissed her. She kissed me back weakly. I could feel her tears melt onto my skin. When I pulled back, hands still on her jaw, I stared at her, thinking maybe she would change her mind. Instead all I got was silence and could see heartbreak written all over face. My hands dropped to my side in shock and defeat. I couldn’t believe it. It was really over, and I didn’t get a say.

“I’m sorry,” I said to her, feeling completely floored and not able to piece anything better together.

“Just please, make it worth it,” she replied and my face scrunched up in confusion. “Fix things with y/n.”

After a final embrace and goodbye despite my protests, I picked up my bags and left. Zina closed the door behind me and I wondered if I’d ever see her again. The taxi van pulled up shortly after and I got in without a word. I was speechless.

“You alright mate?” Larry asked.

“Yeah,” I grunted and looked out the window.

Zina was right, it wasn’t my fault. It was y/n’s. In my mind it made sense to shift the blame to her. I wasn’t in love with her. Zina had left me for no reason.

Days passed and I’d finally told Larry what happened. He kept me stocked up on smokes and whatever else to get me through. I vented my frustration on stage, thrashing about and yelling…and that helped. But I was still in bits about it. I’d lost my best friend and my girlfriend all in a matter of months and the common denominator was me. I was mad at y/n still but equally as mad at myself.

“You need to speak to y/n…just call her,” Larry said finally, fed up to the back teeth with my stroppy moods.

“She won’t wanna hear about my break up mate,” I replied, dismissing the idea. “Plus I don’t know that I really wanna talk to her anyway…”

“She cares about you Van, as much as I do. Give her some credit…”

I sighed and threw the PlayStation controller down beside me. I tipped my head back onto the couch and groaned. Larry paused the game. I rolled my head round to look at him.

“Should I really call her?”

“You gotta try and fix things man. It’s driving us all mad.”

That night after the show, I stayed back in the green room and called y/n. My palms were sweating and I had no idea what I was going to say to her, or where to even begin.

Turns out that didn’t matter; she didn’t pick up. Typical. I turned my phone off and headed outside for a smoke. I stood leaning against the wall breathing the smoke in and out slowly, contemplating everything that’d happened until the ciggie was done. When I got back on the bus Larry threw me an expecting look. I just shook my head and said nothing on the subject.

…………………

I kept trying to call y/n, but I never got through. At first I thought maybe she was just busy but quickly I realised she was ducking my calls. A move I knew well. I texted, even sent one of them Instagram messages but got nothing back. It was driving me up the wall. The anger I felt towards her started to fade away and it was replaced with a sort of panic. I’d well and truly fucked this up.

The rest of the tour dragged by slowly. All I could think of was y/n; it was like a switch had flipped in my head. I spent my days wondering what she was doing, who with. My nights were spent thinking about how things could have been different. I missed her.

In my many hours of contemplation and the many packets of ciggies I went through, it began to dawn on me that y/n was sort of…everything. She gave me direction, kept me grounded, was my voice of reason. She was like god, I looked to her for it all. She had always been there no matter what. And now she was just gone; she may as well have forgotten my name at this point.

When tour finally came to an end, I’d never been more anxious to get home. I needed to get my life back, get y/n back. The whole flight I was jittery and bouncing my leg; annoying Larry and Bondy to no end. When the plane landed, I darted off so quickly the boys lost track of me. As I raced through customs and baggage and all that, I couldn’t help but think of how y/n would always be there to meet me, holding up a card that said ‘McCann’. But this time she wasn’t.

Once I was in the back of a taxi and had given y/n’s address, I phoned her but as usual ignored and straight to voicemail. God, she had the will power of an ox. I texted saying I was home, that I needed to see her. After a few minutes, to my utter fuckin’ surprise, I saw the little text bubble pop up for a second and a response came through. I held my breath.

‘I’m going out’

‘Will you wait for me?’

‘Fine.”

I let out a shaky exhale of relief and put my phone away.

“Mate, do you reckon we can get there ASAP?” I asked the driver, trying to keep my voice normal; he didn’t know how much was on the line for me right now.

“There’s traffic so we’ll have to take the bridge,” he replied.

I thanked him and sat back, staring out the window as we drove. I thought about the night I’d last seen y/n. She’d confessed her feelings and I didn’t listen, didn’t give her a chance, didn’t try to salvage the friendship or even tell her it was okay. I panicked and responded badly. I pushed her away and did her real dirty. I was embarrassed with myself honestly. I could fix it though, I had to. She meant the absolute world to me.

I loved her. I love her.

My heart stopped for a second at the sudden realisation. Zina was right. My daft fuckin’ brain had only just made the connection. I was in love with y/n. I smiled and chuckled to myself as the feelings escaped my heart and spread through my body like wildfire. Bloody hell.

We should have been at y/n’s by now, but we weren’t. I was on the verge of just jumping out the car and running there.

“We’ve taken the quickest route,” the driver insisted.

I wasn’t convinced. We were stuck in traffic and moving dead slow. I thought about y/n waiting for me, probably pissed off at me for taking so long on top of everything else.

“Okay 5, five minutes,” the driver said eventually, looking at me in the rear-view mirror. He could probably tell how impatient I was getting.

When we drove up y/n’s street I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. I’d never been like this over a girl before. But to be fair, it wasn’t just any girl. It was y/n, my best friend. My absolute fucking goddess.

I paid the driver and grabbed my bags. As I walked up her drive, y/n’s words ‘I should be everything you want’ came back to mind. She was everything I wanted and needed and I’d been too blind to see it before now.

………………………

‘Your’ POV

Van crashed through your front door, dropping his bags to the ground in the hallway. He almost went to hug you, but you took a step back. He seemed breathless and his face fell when you moved away from him.

“Y/n…” he said.

The sound of his voice made you feel weak; you’d missed him beyond anything. The last few months had been torture, with ignoring Van and trying to forget your feelings. Though despite everything they only grew stronger. But you swallowed the tears and remembered why you were in this situation to begin with.

“Why did you need to see me?” you asked bluntly.

“Can we sit?”

“Come into the kitchen.”

You didn’t want Van getting comfortable, it would be too easy to just let him back in and fall back under his spell. Standing either side of the kitchen counter opposite each other, you both waited for the other to speak first.

“Thank you for waitin’,” Van said and you shrugged.

Your curiosity had gotten the better of you. You’d been able to ignore Van’s calls and messages while he was away, just. But when he said he was home…you couldn’t hold back anymore. Your heart ached for him as much as you wished it didn’t. You missed your best friend, in fact, you were completely in love with him.

You raked your eyes over Van. He’d not changed physically but he looked like he’d been through hell. His eyes had soft bags under them, his hair was greasy and his eyes looked wild. You wondered what had been going on for him the last few months. You knew he’d been seeing someone but anything beyond that you had no clue as you’d avoided the rest of the boys almost as fiercely as you’d avoided Van, not wanting any reminder of it all.

“Y/n…I’m sorry, I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”

You looked at Van with stone cold eyes.

“Me and Zina broke up and-“

“Oh, so because you’re all alone now you come crawling back to me?” you snapped.

The nerve he had. You felt taken for granted as a friend, your feelings for him aside.

“No, shit….no. It just made me realise that I’d made a mistake. I need you y/n.”

You heart pounded at his words. Part of you felt outrageously angry and other part felt like you could break down into tears at any moment and just throw yourself into his arms. You shut your eyes and exhaled to calm yourself.

“You said we’d messed everything up. You shut me down and I don’t know…we fell out. I don’t know if this can be fixed. I can’t just forget all that because you ‘need me’ again.”

Van walked over to your side of the counter and stood in front of you. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear. You could tell he was genuinely sorry and that he’d felt all the backlash he needed without you pushing him away further. But you just couldn’t see how things could ever go back to the way they were.

“Please y/n”.

“Van, I never expected you to drop everything and be with me. I just needed to tell you how I felt and work through it. You’re my best friend, I needed you to be there for me. You just immediately told me you’d met someone? Besides, you led me on, but that doesn’t matter. You showed me your true colours and it fucking hurt.”

You let the honest truth come out, he needed to hear it. You’d had plenty of time to reflect on how you felt about it all and it felt good to finally get it off your chest. Van looked distraught.

“Trust me if I’d known you had feelings for me, I never would have done that stupid dare…never would have slept with you…There’s so many things I should have said and done different. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t change it now but please let me fix it?” His voice was quiet and whiny, broken in a way you’d never heard. He was being sincere.

You kept silent and looked away, no idea what to do or say. You knew he wasn’t at fault for some of it, he wasn’t to know how you felt. You should have been honest with him before it all led to that night. But you couldn’t shake the resentment you felt towards him for all that followed. Van seemed to take the silence as a rejection and pushed his hair back like he did when he was stressed or nervous.

“Y/n… I love you. Okay? I’m in love with you.”

Your eyes bulged and your jaw dropped in absolute bewilderment.

“What?!” you all but shouted.

“It’s you, I want you. I think I have all along,” he replied quietly, not blinking.

“Are you joking?”

Van’s facial expression melded into one of confusion.

“Well why didn’t you have me when you had the chance?” you asked.

“I didn’t know I felt this way back then and look I’m here now, as soon as I could get here to tell you,” he reasoned.

Van dropped to his knees in front of you and gently took your hands in his. His touch made your skin light up. He looked sad and desperate. The tears had begun to seep out of your eyes and you couldn’t wipe them away so they trickled down your cheeks uncomfortably.

“You have to believe me y/n. I love you and I will make it up to you. You’re my best friend.”

Your gut wrenched. Van was begging you. Seeing him like this only made your heart scream at you louder. You melted down to your knees in front of him and took his face in your hands. Fuck it.

“I love you too, Van.”

His eyes lit up and his mouth opened slightly.

“You do?”

“Of course, you idiot,” you sniffed and chuckled through the tears.

Van pulled you into him and you threw your arms around his neck. You held each other tightly for a long while, collapsed on the floor and folded together. You cried into his neck and he rubbed your back, letting you get it all out. It felt so good to be back in his arms and have the weight of missing him lifted from your shoulders. You didn’t want to let him go; it felt like he was holding all your broken bits together.

As you untangled yourself from him and wiped your face, Van stared at you. He reached out and gently moved the sweaty, tear stained strands of hair from your forehead. Your eyes latched onto his and you were overwhelmed with love. It was almost all too much to believe.

When Van finally kissed you, it felt like all the hurt and all the shit that had happened between you dissipated. It was you and him, together again and as unbreakable as ever.

…………………………………

“Oi, move over,” you grumbled at Van.

He was spread out in your bed like a starfish, taking up all the space.

“Nope,” he grinned.

You rolled your eyes but couldn’t contain the smile. Van looked so cute; his hair messy from drying overnight and all bundled up in your duvet. After you placed the fresh mugs of tea down on your bedside table you wiggled in to fit beside him. Once you were under the covers, Van snaked his arms around your middle and pulled you tight against his naked body. Your head was against his chest and you kissed his collarbones.

“Bed day today?” he asked as he crept his hands under your shirt, his voice low and sleepy.

“I’d love that,” you replied happily.

Life in love with your best friend was amazing. Things had slowly been patched up between you and Van, you’d been able to bridge the gap between best friends and relationship well. You still teased each other as much as ever, still had each other’s backs. Only now you got to kiss, have sex and say I love you also; it was perfect.

After a few hours of on and off napping, making out and watching youtube videos in bed, it was time to get up and get ready for your friends to come around. Van sat smoking out of your open window and watched as you put on your makeup, genuinely interested in how it all worked. He was so cute like that.

Larry arrived early to help with the barbeque. He and Van smoked on the patio while it heated up, talking about whatever it was they talked about when you weren’t around. Maybe even you? You watched from the kitchen window as they laughed and bickered between themselves. You’d all come so far since being the spotty, unruly teenagers you were when you’d first met. You never would have guessed you’d end up with Van at all. You weren’t sure if your seventeen-year-old self would be impressed or grossed out by it.

When they gave you the signal it was ready, you carried out the food to be cooked. Once you placed it down, Van slung his arm around your waist and pulled you in for a kiss.

“I’m never gonna get used to this,” Larry laughed looking between you two.

“Me either,” you and Van said at the same time. You burst out laughing and kissed again, giddy with love for one another.

After dinner, once the music had been turned up and the bottles of spirits brought out, everyone sat around in the living room.

“We should play a drinking game…” Todd proposed, and you rolled your eyes. Some things never changed.

“Yeah. How about Truth or Dare?” Van suggested smugly, his eyes meeting yours.

“No need. You can just kiss me now, don’t need a dare to do it,” you grinned and grabbed Van by the chin before planting a heavy kiss on his lips.

Maybe drinking games weren’t so bad after all?

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