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ra1nyd4yzz · 1 year ago

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November 16th, the fall of Wilbur soot

Warnings: smut,riding,talk of Wilbur being a terrorist, character death, Wilbur's kind of a dick at the start

taglist: @abbs-writes-nsfw @gaywizards70

Notes: I wrote this in one night because I had a massive urge to write and someone suggested I should write pogbur smut, so I did :) I hope its ok and not completely shitttt

Words:1558

You walked around pogtopia trying to find Wilbur, he's been more distant lately which has made you more needy and desperate. You peaked your head around a corner and found him staring off into space as he smoked a cigarette.

“Baby?” You looked at your gorgeous but tired boyfriend, he didn't respond, his thoughts consuming everything around him as he stared into the ravine with dead eyes.”babe?” you said louder and you took a step in front of him.

“Hmm..” Wilbur spoke in a bored, dull tone; it sounded like he didn't even care. “What do you want?” he kept staring into the ravine, taking drags of his cigarette,his expression barely changed, it was like he wasn't even trying anymore.

“Where have you been wil? Me and niki baked cookies!!” you seemed so happy compared to wilbur “so..” wilbur exhaled and took another drag of his cigarette, he didn't feel like talking and his lack of emotions showed it but you never give up when it comes to him!

“I don't want or care for those stupid cookies'' he started to walk away from you, flicking his cigarette butt onto the ground and stomping it, your heart shattered, and you held back tears, instantly your mind started to overthink “do you still love me?” you blurted out by accident, you had a sad look on your face.

Wilbur stopped and sighed, he hesitated for a second before turning on his heel to look at you “of course i do” there was no love in his tone, he showed a small bit of emotion for a millisecond before he was back to looking completely dead.

“Do you really? We haven't kissed in months nor have you touched me….we hardly even talk anymore all you care about is blowing up stupid marburg and defeating stupid schlatt..” you felt bad to say this but it was the truth and you were always a truth speaker.

“Yeah well i'm a little busy being a terrorist” wilbur rolled his eyes at you which hurt even more. “God you're so annoying and clingy” he sighed and rubbed his eye, he grumbled and then turned back to look into the ravine, his emotions completely switched and went back to cold and dead.

“I love you..” you gulped “i just want you to touch and love me again wil..” you teared up “am i that disgusting?” you weren't ready for his answer, you were already so emotional and you loved him so much and he just hasn't been showing you that he loves you too since the fall of l’manberg.

Wilbur groaned in annoyance “just go away.” he said his voice was dull, he was so cold and apathetic towards you. Did he really love you? Or was it out of pity at this point? You muttered something about Schlatt loving you more than Wilbur ever did.

Wilbur whipped around to face you, his emotion changing immediately. You could see his expression full of coldness and anger. “What did you just say?” his glare burned holes into your eyes and his tone became much more stern and harsh.

“I said maybe schlatt would show his love and love me more than you actually love me” your tone just got sadder and sadder, a tinge of anger was in there but it was mainly sadness,desperation and neediness.

Wilbur clenched his fists and started to walk towards you, the anger inside of him pouring out of every cell in is body “did you just say that monster would love you more then me” he got right into your face and glared into your soul, when he said the last part you could hear a hint of sadness you knew deep down no one could love you like wilbur loves you.

You gulped and stepped back, you could still feel his hot breath on your face and lips “yes.” you said with a little bit of hesitation “are you fucking serious right now!” he yelled, it echoed throughout the ravine.

Wilbur couldn't believe his own ears. His eyes were dead set on you, he really did look like he wanted to snap at you but he didn't, you were the love of his life. “I should be the only one that you love. Not Schlatt or anybody else for that matter” he was completely livid and this was not an emotion he showed often.

He raised a clenched fist and you flinched, you knew he wouldn't hit you and he did not “sorry..” you whimpered out, his anger started to fade away and he looked at you again with softer and calmer eyes, he was calm again and it was like the argument never even happened in the first place.

Wilbur put his hands on either side of your cheeks and looked into your eyes, he seemed so sweet and charming again, your eyes softened as you looked back into those gorgeous dark chocolate brown eyes of his”i love you so much, and so what if we dont touch each other? We are still very much a couple and I love you more than anybody else in this stupid world we live in..”

He softly smiled at you and his thumbs rubbed circles into your cheeks gently, “I'm needy wil and doing it myself doesn't cut it anymore..” you leaned into his touch more, you haven't felt the familiar, comforting touch in so long.

“I need you wil..you ruined me and i need you…please..” you said desperately and needily, you gave him puppy dog eyes, he still looked at you with a smile and looked down at your lips he leaned close to you. “Okay, okay…just for you my love” he took one last longing look at you before he then leaned in and gave you a deep passionate kiss, with no love to spare”

You kissed back hungrily, your hands went to his hair and you leaned up on your tippy toes,his hands went from your cheeks to your waist, then to your ass and he grabbed at it, you pulled back and started panting heavily “B-bedroom..please..now.”

He took a second to look at you and then chuckled “you’re as needy as ever aren't you?” you nodded and he grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the bedroom. You quickly walked with him, he walked into the bedroom and sat on the bed, his legs laying out and his back resting up on the pillows.

You quickly got onto the bed and straddled his lap. “I can see you've missed a few things eh..?” he winked at you and then started to kiss your neck and whisper sweet nothings to you as he did so, you started to roll your hips on his needily, the friction making you moan quietly.

You started to undo his belt and he kept kissing your neck “your fucking gorgeous sweetheart” he muttered as he trailed purple and red marks down your jaw and neck. You took off his pants and boxers and took off your pants and underwear and lowered yourself down onto his cock with no prep.

He let out a groan and threw his head back, you started riding him and moaning loudly, you moans and his groans echoed throughout pogtopia, not even 20 minutes ago you guys were arguing so everyone could hear and now you were fucking and everyone could hear the sound of skin slapping and your moans made it obvious.

His hands went to your waist and his nails digged into your sides, that made you moan louder “w-wilbur! P-please!” you were so close “please what princess?” he asked in a sweet tone “c-close..please..let me” you were moaning so loud “go ahead sweet girl” he stroked you hair as you let out a loud moan and came, you were getting tired but wanted to keep going, wilbur came and you laid your head on his chest.

His dick slowly came out of you as your pussy began to leak of his cum and yours mixed together, he stroked your hair and pulled the covers over you guys. “Such a good job baby…you did so well for me” he praised and you slowly fell asleep as he hummed to you.

______________________________________________________________

It was literally the morning after you and Wilbur fucked and what you didn't know was that was the last time you and Wilbur would fuck ever.

well you guys won the fight between Pogtopia vs Manburg, you went to turn to Wilbur to celebrate. But he disappeared, and then when it all blew up, you saw Wilbur and his father Philza in a room. Philza had shielded Wilbur from getting hurt in the explosion.

But now Wilbur was shoving a diamond sword in wilburs hands and he looked like he was begging Philza to do something, you were too far away to hear. Philza shoved the diamond sword through wilburs stomach and tears filled your eyes.

You just saw the man you loved, the man you made love too only hours ago….die and bleed out at the hands of his father, you couldn't believe it, you wanted to scream and cry and yell and run over to him, but you couldn't move, and even if you could it would have taken ages to get to him.

#wilbur smut #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot smut #pogbur smut

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rinzsu · 1 year ago

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✩ ‧ ₊˚ IN MEMORIES I HOLD YOU DEAR — GOJO SATORU

four letters you addressed to him slight angst, wc 800+, reader and satoru have feelings for each other but aren’t in a committed relationship, takes place right after the shibuja arc

november 9th, 2018

satoru.

hair white like the first snow, the color of whipped cream, the pots of the plants on my window sills, and the foam atop the oceans waves.

you’ll forever feel like summer to me, like the first of july, when i drowned in your blue eyes and never came back up.

i wish i could kiss you now like i never had before, catch you when you’re falling, and hold you close instead of pushing you away in hopes of forgetting how my heart beats for you and you alone.

it’s ironic, really, how you come back now after all those days and sleepless nights of trying to convince myself that things are better this way, even though you’re so far gone.

i try so hard to forget about you, about us, only for you to barge right back in and for everything to begin anew.

you once said that you hate it when things come to an end, and i still recall how you always used to leave a single chug of sake in your cup instead of finishing it all together.

and how you used to add an “i still have to finish my cup” as an excuse to stay out longer when nanami wanted to leave the bar.

november 16th, 2018

i miss you. it’s been roughly three weeks since you’ve been sealed away, but to me, it feels like three eternities.

winter is creeping up on us, the air is much colder and the sky always grey.

i’m still taking those hot showers in the evening. you used to say that the water feels like warm hugs after an exhausting day, but nowadays i crave your comforting embrace above all.

the academy's halls feel so much emptier with you gone. i used to mock your silly laugh but now i miss it more with every second i spend in this god forsaken place.

it's quiet, and for the first time in what feels like forever, i wish it was more noisy, because that would mean that you are here.

yuji tries keeping his voice low when he talks about you, but it doesn't matter if it's the students, shoko or my treacherous mind that's uttering your name like a useless mantra.

there's so much i couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't utter out loud, so i'm writing this.

isn't it funny? how i tried to rid you out of my life and now there's a piece of you in every word that i fill these pages with, a fragment of you hidden in each of these lines.

november 24th, 2018

i've been watching our series for the third time now and somehow i feel guilty watching it without you, even though i used to do it all the time when you were still here.

knowing what's about to come soothes my mind even for a little bit. so does going to the drive through and eating chicken nuggets in the parking lot while singing along to all of our songs. i swear by now i can hit higher notes than you ever will.

everyone has their own way of escaping this reality. it helps, makes it hurt less, but just like salve to an open wound, the tranquilizing of this pain will only be temporary until all our sorrows will bleed together again.

is this love?

i see you when it's dark, the illusion of you under one of those flickering street lights. once i turn to look for you, i'm left with your blurring face and the burden of your absence weighing down upon me.

i don't know where life is leading me right now, but there's something that's always pulling me back to you.

december 5th, 2018

you're no longer here.

i've met someone, but he doesn't laugh like you do, doesn't talk to me like you do. it's been less than two weeks but i can already tell that his skin isn't as soft as yours either.

he holds my hand but he doesn't hold it as tight as you do, doesn't intertwine our fingers the way you always did.

when he leaves, he won't make it as difficult for me to say goodbye as you did. and for the first time, i've noticed how different people's presences feel.

how different people breathe, when he rests next to me in shokos office after a mission and i can't feel his rhythm the way i did yours.

was this between us special?

i once heard that after a split up, people tend to romanticize everything bad and to forget why they detached in the first place.

even so, we never dated in the first place and neither did we break up, you just left.

and even though i know that, it's hard for me to believe that i'll ever find someone like you again.

©️ rinsque— do not plagiarise nor repost any of my works on any other platform.

note. hope you enjoyed this <3 i had repost this for the nth time because it didn’t show in the tags i used

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firesnap · 2 years ago

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When we were sort of in a more golden age of dsmp meta, one of my favorite topics was about Tommy and grief and how grief/mourning painted so much of his story. We saw it through all of his major arcs -- grief for Wilbur and his home and his place among his friends and lost possessions and mourning for that lost sense of brotherhood and uncomplicated adventures and the part of himself that felt gone forever.

Then we got Tommy's sort of healing era. He built things. He tried to reestablish bonds with Ranboo and Tubbo. He had setbacks, yeah, with the prison and Wilbur returning and unearthing all that unresolved anger and grief, but he was trying. In a perfect world, he would have made it.

Instead he consistently showed he was trapped in that cycle of grief and mourning while the narrative continuously (and far too much) punished him for it. The continued loss of pets, his home, his friends and possessions just kept that mindset fresh in his mind that he was always missing something.

And then Wilbur left and we see Tommy spiral. That's the only word for it, isn't it? He isolated himself in a cave that they, flat out, said was a bit like Pogtopia. He refused to talk to people. He refused to even be seen by people. He isolated himself in his anger and grief over losing the same person again and began to talk to some idealized version of Wilbur that couldn't leave.

Then, in the midst of his spiral, he started a chain of events that ended up killing him. On top of all the parallels to Tommy and S1 Wilbur we could make, we end up with sort of the saddest conclusion November 16th could have ever set up.

Tommy died from his grief and his (and the story's) inability to process it.

If you had told me a year ago that Wilbur would have gotten the conclusion where he had to process and face the worst parts of himself and choose, regardless, to live? I wouldn't have believed you. It was messy, but there was hope laced through it everywhere and despite some fumbles along the way, it was a surprisingly satisfying to see a character so often struggling to stay above the water get some sort of self care.

And Tommy, who Wilbur literally describes as hope and a reason to figure himself out, doesn't make it. Hope died in the chest where it was left.

As interesting as I find the continuation of that grief theme, it's still hard to wash out the bitterness that leaves in my mouth.

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bonesandthebees · 1 year ago

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seriously in love with how community-driven qsmp has become. now that the french are here the others have wasted no time in rushing to help them out in any way possible. and in turn, so many people including the french players were around to help roier and jaiden try to get bobby back. now you have forever building an insane base with ender pearl stasis chambers to keep ALL the eggs safe and encourage the parents to take care of each others eggs and not just their own. no one is isolated on the server. everyone talks to each other and it's so heartwarming to see.

and of course, I can't help but compare it to dsmp. I'm not criticizing dsmp here I wanna clarify. I'm always going to the love the stories that came from that server even if I had my issues with it, and I'm never going to regret the time I spent following along with that server and the memories I made because of it. but after doomsday, everyone on the dsmp was so isolated from each other. any sense of community that had been still lingering after november 16th was truly gone. players retreated to their own bases and only interacted with the few people they trusted. and for a story like the dsmp, which slowly morphed into something with a much darker and more tragic tone than it started out with, this was fitting. the isolation was a natural consequence of the pain and war everyone had gone through. sure, there were moments of community popping up again, but it never lasted long.

but instead of warring against each other, the qsmp players are all facing a common enemy (the federation) and they all share a common goal (keep the eggs safe). it's them against the island. and I hope we continue to see these bonds grow stronger as the island becomes even more hostile to them.

(this is not an invitation to try and discourse about dsmp lore nor is it an invitation to criticize dsmp or theorize ways the qsmp could go down the same path. let qsmp be its own thing. let dsmp rest. I just noticed the differences in the community building on the two servers and thought it was interesting to point out)

#qsmp #dsmp

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steddieholidaydrabbles · 1 year ago

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❄️Welcome everyone!❄️

If you love the winter holidays as much as I do, then this challenge is for you! It’s pretty simple:

The calendar below has a prompt for every day of the month of December. No matter what holiday you celebrate or even if you don’t celebrate one at all, I hope you find one or more that you like! You can submit as many as you'd like (I plan to do one everyday) or as few as you'd like.

All drabbles should be between 300-1000 words. I will be using wordcounter.net to check them all before reblogging!

Please tag this blog @steddieholidaydrabbles when you post. You can also follow the tag steddieholidaydrabbles to keep up with posts.

All submissions should include a rating and any CW or tags that you feel are necessary. Please put the prompt you are fulfilling as well. It’s not required, but please consider putting Explicit material under a read more. A sample of this may look like: optional title rating: G/T/M/E cw: violence, blood, etc. tags: established relationship, first time, etc.

Because there will be SO many prompts, please try to only post your submission for a prompt ON that day by 11:59 pm EST. Really early or late submissions won’t be ignored, but could easily get missed in the mix of a different prompt on a different day. A reminder of the daily prompt will be posted at 12:01 am EST on the day of the prompt.

Any of the prompts could be holiday related if you wanted them to be, but it's not required!

1st - Open mic night

2nd - Came back wrong

3rd - Mutual pining

4th - Meet-cute at work

5th - FREE SPACE (Domestic fluff)

6th - Cooking together

7th - Hanukkah

8th - Idiots to Lovers

9th - No Upside Down AU

10th - First kiss/First time

11th - Royalty AU

12th - Only one bed

13th - Roadtrip/Vacation

14th - FREE SPACE (Angst with a happy ending)

15th - Time travel

16th - Modern AU

17th - Platonic Stobin

18th - FREE SPACE (Hurt/comfort)

19th - Enemies to lovers

20th - Magic AU

21st - Snow

22nd - Sports AU (players or fans)

23rd - Uncle Wayne adopts Steve

24th - Birthday

25th - Christmas

26th - "Who did this to you?"

27th - Coffee shop/Bookstore/Tattoo AU

28th - Proposal

29th - FREE SPACE (Spicy/Mature or Explicit)

30th and 31st - New Year's Eve/Resolutions

ARTISTS The submission must be made on the day of that prompt in order to be reblogged by this blog. The image must be Steddie, Steve, or Eddie focused (with the exception of Platonic Stobin day), though other characters can be included!

Collaborations with writers are encouraged!

Always tag this blog with your submissions so we can see them and reblog them.

If you have questions, message this blog or @steddieas-shegoes.

WARM UP ROUNDS SCHEDULE AND PROMPTS:

Same rules apply (300-1000 words each, must have rating and cw/tags, and tag this blog if you want it reblogged)

August 19th-21st: High School or College AU September 18th-22nd: Fall October 28th-31st: Halloween November 18th-22nd: Bakery AU Warm Up Rounds AO3 Collection

Steddie Holiday Drabbles AO3 Collection

Week 1 Masterlist Week 2 Masterlist Week 3 Masterlist Week 4 Masterlist

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddieholidaydrabbles

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meimi-haneoka · 1 year ago

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Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Chapter 76: Comments + JP-ENG translation differences

Ooooh CCS fans, welcome back to our monthly appointment!! Which, apparently, will go on a little longer than previously expected because (I'm sure you've heard of it in the last month, but in case you didn't) CLAMP/Kodansha did what I thought they wouldn't dare doing: they extended the Clear Card serialization a little bit more, announcing the last volume will be the 16th one, instead of the 15th one as previously stated! Volume 16 will be released on April 1st 2024, while they also delayed the release of volume 15 to November 13th (this made me suspicious, is it to accomodate more chapters in it? Or what else happened there, to delay it?) I have no idea how many more chapters we'll get at this point (or if the 16th volume was born because it will accomodate some after-story extra chapters), but I have to say that after the initial shock, I've took the news quite well and I just can't deny that the story really seemed to need a bit more room to develop the conclusion properly, so I'd daresay the announcement ultimately made me sigh in relief. And this chapter definitely proved to me that things are steadily proceeding, but taking care in depicting carefully and without haste an heroic moment that will turn out to be more complex than what probably Sakura & co. expected. I'm gonna need a bit more patience to see how all of this ends, but I prefer for the end to not be rushed and not have regrets in the future! Also, this looks like it might tie in with the beginning of season 2 of the anime? We'll see!

Well, after this preamble to update everyone on the situation of the serialization, we'll proceed under the cut to talk about the actual chapter, which unfortunately this month is stained by several translation mistakes, omissions and inaccuracies. They really deceived me, doing a good job on the past 2 chapters...*sigh* I'm still quite mad because of course WHO gets affected the most, among those translation mistakes? I feel like coming at this point I don't even have to state it. *another sigh* Before diving into my ramblings, let's give a look to the gif of this month! I chose this one because I feel like I need to lighten the mood a little bit, since between the end of this one and -I'm sure- the next chapter, I'm afraid there won't be anything to laugh about.

Under the cut!

The Color Page

Anyone following this blog since some time, or who knows me well, probably doesn't need to be told that I completely loved the color page of this month! 🥰After 11 chapters, Akiho comes back to grace the opening page of a chapter of Clear Card. It's very simple, but in its simplicity I could feel all of Akiho's essence, while appreciating the usual symbolism of some elements of the color page. First and foremost, Akiho is smiling, and that wasn't a given for a color page appearing at the end of this story. We've seen Sakura making plenty of wistful faces lately, so it feels like we can't really take for granted to see our characters smiling. But her beautiful smile in combination with the nice shade of green Mokona-sensei chose for her elegant dress (which is totally in tune with what Akiho would wear) is really giving a kind of hopeful vibe to the whole color page. And I feel that for this chapter, we really needed that. Green is kind of an unusual color to associate Akiho with, but there's more to it. Together with the shade of yellow that sensei used to create a gradient on the skirt, this green is a clear callback to the color scheme of the lilies that Akiho is holding and wearing among her curls. And as we all know, lilies in this arc are primarily a symbol of the character who literally bears their name: Akiho's mother, Lilie (German for "lily"). As soon as I saw the presence of lilies in this color page with her, I went all "awwww" because I couldn't help but think "this is a sign her mother is watching over her and is always with her, right?" And inevitably, seeing Akiho gently holding those flowers made me wish even more that she could know something, anything about her mother. I also noticed that Mokona-sensei slightly changed the shading of Akiho's hair again, removing the yellowish undertone that was present in the most recent color pages that Akiho appeared in, making me sigh because I'll have to modify my color palette for my fanarts once again 😩it still looks lighter than her mother's, at least, and it's still very much ash blonde. The editorial text in JP on the color page is what Sakura told her at the end of chapter 73: "Let's get them back. The one you didn't want to lose".

Collapsing Time

Aaaaand this chapter for me started with a "I KNEW IT!" equipped with a loud laughter, because ever since chapter 75 ended I've really been wondering "will the group at home be able to follow their journey inside the fake moon, or will the connection be conveniently cut off?" OF COURSE IT'S THE LATTER, what else could've been? 😆 Tomoyo rationally wonders if the signal simply doesn't reach in the space inside the fake moon, but Eriol from the other end of the videocall tells everyone that these are rather some more specific, particular circumstances: he was able to see what was inside the fake moon for a split second before the connection was cut off, and what he saw is an environment where time isn't simply stopped, is actually collapsing. I want to start my long list of complaints about the translation in English of this chapter, with this mild inaccuracy: the ENG makes Eriol consistently sound unsure of what he's affirming above, using verbs like I suppose, while the JP text doesn't leave any trace of doubt - Eriol isn't supposing, he knows that time is breaking down in that environment.

Back to Sakura and Syaoran, our little heroes start to feel the effects of this powerful magic that is permeating the interior of the fake moon, with Syaoran noticing that the clock parts fluctuating aren't really deformed like they're seeing, but only appear so due to the strong pressure of the magic spell inside that environment. And here we have to stop once again, because this is another straight up mistake of the ENG translation:

ENG: "There's nothing wrong with the watch itself. The spell's placed too much pressure on it. It only looks broken"

JP: "It's not like the components of the clocks are really deformed...They only look like that because the pressure of the magic spell is too strong"

As you can see, skipping the translation of the word 部品 (components) made them completely misunderstand Syaoran's line and make it about the pocket watch in their hands, instead of the fluctuating clock parts! And it's like they wanted to give an explanation to why the pocket watch looks broken (hello??? The pocket watch gradually broke when Kaito was still active in the un-rewritten world!!), despite the adjective used in JP is deformed, not broken. But let's go on.

Sakura starts to feel that pressure on her head, in fact she points out that her head is hurting to a worried Syaoran (JP, lit.: "My head is..."). He answers that it's only normal, because the spell is so powerful that it's affecting them physically, and he can feel those effects too (he's only better at dissimulating it, apparently). (I'm just worried if it's clear in the ENG translation, by how they're phrasing things, that the spell Syaoran is referring to is the one that's active on the whole place, not the one he used to trace the owner of the pocket watch). Syaoran continues saying that it's happening the same to the interior of the "fake moon", basically everything is so warped and deformed (due to the strong pressure) that if the pocket watch didn't show them the way, they would've lost both their sense of orientation and even the "target" they were tracking with that compass. So while the readers might have thought that if Sakura and Syaoran got there successfully it was only thanks to the compass, CLAMP went out of their way to specify that it wasn't exactly like that: it seems like the pocket watch actively guided them through the magic beam that originated from the compass, preventing them from getting lost. I guess without the watch's intervention, the compass might have still shot that beam in search for Kaito, but it might have gotten all of them lost, because the magic spell at work inside that environment is so strong that it warps everything, beam included. Again, I wonder if this concept above is clear enough from how they phrased it in the ENG translation.

And if that wasn't enough, Sakura's sweet smiling face says that Akiho guided them there. Evidently she thinks that the pocket watch is not only permeated by that mysterious moon magic that they still don't know who it belongs to, but also by Akiho's strong will to look for and to find the person she never wanted to lose. Akiho is always with them, spirit tightly connected to that pocket watch, and I couldn't help but being so moved by how considerate and sweet Sakura is. Akiho is evidently at the center of her thoughts even now, after all, she departed for this mission precisely for her sake.

Syaoran says that the beam is pointing at this dragon that is sleeping in front of them, but then actually starts doubting it and says "wait, is this really a dragon...?". The mere fact that he had a second thought about it might already be a sign that there might be more than meets the eyes, behind this creature that we're seeing now. Sakura just needs to look at it for a moment to remember immediately: she met this dragon before, in a dream. Of course, she can remember about this only thanks to the "film strips of memories" that the Record Card supplied her with some chapters ago, since it's all stuff that comes from the "un-rewritten world". Then, Sakura takes charge of the pocket watch and thanks Syaoran for his help with the compass: it's clear that she wants to talk to the dragon, now. Clutching the pocket watch tightly and looking at the sleeping creature in an intense way, she gets closer to it.

The dragon finally opens its eyes and wakes up.

Sakura is such a sweet and well mannered girl, so I couldn't help smiling when she said this: (JP, lit.) "Please allow me to address you with "you" (anata), since I don't know your name". Yes, because Sakura's usual speech pattern includes calling people by their name, rather than using a direct "anata". Even with Syaoran, some pages ago, she didn't use a direct "you", but simply repeated his name instead. Her usual way to talk to people always sounds very soft, well mannered and warm to me, while probably using "anata" even with her closest people feels too "blunt" to her. Or, maybe, "impersonal". In this case, she really doesn't have any other choice, though. Alas, this was something that was hardly translatable in a literal way in the ENG version, and I think the way they chose works pretty well anyway.

And so, Sakura continues. (JP, but ENG is equally fine as well:) "I can feel 'something' coming from you, which is the same that I can feel coming from this watch as well. I guess Syaoran-kun would call it 'magical power'. Do you know the owner of this watch? Or.....is this watch YOURS?" How cute, this really shows clearly that Sakura's relationship with magic is not made of technicalities and such, and she still feels a newbie about it, so she is capable of feeling distinctly the magical aura coming off the dragon and the pocket watch, but she isn't still used to use technical terms like "magical power", "aura" and such. Syaoran is the expert for those things, and she seems to admire and respect him a lot for that! 😆

Sakura asks something to Syaoran to get a certain confirmation. I have the impression that she could feel it herself, but wanted the confirmation from her expert husband boyfriend. She asks him if the magical power that is permeating the environment of the fake moon is the same moon power that comes from the pocket watch. Syaoran confirms they're different (again, an inaccuracy of the ENG translation, which makes Syaoran say "something is different". There's no "something" in the JP, he was just plainly stating that the two sources of power are different).

I want to point out how cool Syaoran looks in his pose of this scene, his hand gripping the handle of his sword the whole time, ready to unleash it at the minimum sight of danger on Sakura. I really love it because Sakura doesn't really know the intentions of the dragon yet, so what she's doing is pretty risky in itself, but Syaoran didn't stop her, he trusted her and let free to do what she wanted to do. He's just, you know, going to stay in the background with his hand on his sword, ready for any scenario, just in case. 😂 Protective boyfriend (but not suffocating one) strikes again! This is what I mean when I say they came a long way ever since chapter 1.

I Know Your Eyes

Sakura can feel that even the magic coming from the "cage" (she uses a term in JP that sounds more like fence than the harsher cage, though) is different from the one the pocket watch is giving off, and this is all she needs to have the confirmation she was looking for: just putting 2 and 2 together from the difference in powers, she concludes that the dragon is there against its will, and someone else locked it up in there. Sakura asks the dragon if she's right, but it simply......stares at her, in silence.

Sakura watches those eyes....and they're all she needs to see. Because she realizes she knows those eyes.

And here, unfortunately, I have to prepare you for another translation mistake, an actual omission that irritated me quite a lot because I consider this a very important scene for a certain character's depiction and development. And you probably don't even need to ask who he is, because he's been bastardized this whole time by the ENG translation.

ENG: "I know you. I know your eyes...And not just because I've seen them in a dream. With your eyes, you watched over Akiho-chan. Somehow, that memory's still inside of me"

JP: "I know...your eyes. And not because I've seen them in a dream. Those eyes used to look at Akiho-chan with great care/affection. (That feeling) remained inside of me"

*draws a deep breath* Okay. I'll go with my grievances with the translation first and then I'll talk about my own reaction to this scene.

When Sakura is talking about the way Kaito used to look at Akiho (because it's clear as hell we're talking about him here, even if she doesn't remember who he is, yet), the JP text includes a very important adverb, 大切に (taisetsu ni, lit. "carefully, giving importance, cherishing something). And Sakura doubles down on it by preceding it with another adverb, とても (totemo, "very"). It is absolutely, unmistakably clear that Kaito used to look at Akiho with lots of affectionate feelings. That 大切に indicates how much he cherished her...how much she was important to him...and he never said it aloud, probably not even realizing it himself, but his eyes spoke for him. And Sakura saw it all.

The ENG translation completely omitted and skipped the translation of the adverb とても大切に, indicating only that Kaito "watched over" Akiho. Completely stripping the action of looking at her of any emotional involvement. To me, that is intolerable. Why?

Because this is the first time that a character, any character, clearly spells out how Kaito considers Akiho. And of course they gave the honor of pointing out the elephant in the room (gosh, this really looks like that situation) to the protagonist, our Sakura. I mean, we came to this point in the story precisely because nobody was able to say for sure what the hell Kaito thought of Akiho. Not even the person concerned himself! I've seen countless of theories along the years, and a worringly big amount thought that Kaito only wanted to use Akiho for his own selfish goal. I kept seeing speculations of that kind even after all he did in chapter 70. And that was particularly strong in the western side of the fandom, because of how the translation portrayed Kaito all these years. Now that we finally get a spoken, spelled out confirmation that he considered Akiho so important, he cherished her so much, and those sweet feelings seeped through his eyes and couldn't escape Sakura's attentive stare, what do they do? They remove any sign of it. They make Sakura say that he only "watched over her" like a regular watch dog, without touching any of the emotional involvement that was indicated in the JP original text. I remind you that 大切(な) is also the core adjective of the famous 一番大切なひと, "the most important person". If this will be connected to an eventual statement later on, this omission is even worse.

Of course, I cannot be anything else than dismayed at this perpetrated character assassination that this translation is operating on Kaito. Leaving aside all my bias for my two favorite characters, this omission penalizes Sakura's characterization too. The fact the she could recognize Kaito (without knowing it's Kaito) through the Dragon's eyes is a testament to how extraordinarily empathetic she is, and how her empathy is literally saving this story. Her empathy made her understand that Kaito couldn't be a bad person, deep down, because of how he looked at Akiho and how Akiho was so happy with him, leading her to make the decision of not confronting them openly, back in the un-rewritten world. Her empathy is what guided her here and what now is telling her "yes, this IS Akiho's most important person. And that person cherished her too". And how she was able to recognize that? Not because Kaito used to just "watch over" Akiho, what made that gaze special were the feelings that Sakura could see inside of it. All of this story is held up by the feelings between its characters. I think it's a huge mistake to not give the right importance to them, to ALL OF THEM.

I think I complained enough about this translation, so let's get talking about happier things. Because of course, in its original form, this scene became my favorite one from the entire chapter and moved me to tears. I was amazed by how Sakura was capable of recognizing Kaito's soul, his essence, only looking at the dragon's eyes. And you know, although being similar (they are some kind of tsurime too), they're not exactly the same as Kaito's, so it seems clear to me that Sakura recognized them basing on sensations and feelings alone. Eyes are, after all, a window to somebody's soul. And even though we could never really get into Kaito's head, or only partially did towards the end of the "un-rewritten world", I really have to say that his eyes spoke volumes of what he was feeling for the entirety of the manga. And for that, we can only praise Mokona-sensei's wonderful skills. I always loved Kaito's eyes, how they could be mischievous, happy, surprised, sweet, sad, tragic. The fact that I could be sure that he loved Akiho in any capacity till now, was also thanks to how he looked at her. So I was really glad to see the element "eyes" being used in this scene to make Sakura recognize him. And there's more to it. I delved into the use of the word 瞳 (hitomi, lit. "pupils") with the furigana "me" next to it (which is the pronounciation of another kanji used to indicate eyes, 目), and I found out/re-confirmed that 瞳 indeed literally means "pupils", but in manga, songs, novels and such it is a trope used to indicate the eyes when there's an emotional nuance attached to it. It is used to make things sound more "romantic" or drip with emotion. "Your eyes...looked at her with so much affection"... ...You can now understand even better why I am so peeved at the omission of the ENG translation for this part. All the other languages did their job and included the nuance correctly. CLAMP were trying to be very straightforward with their composition of Sakura's line, everything was indicating that this was a very important and emotional moment. Akiho, all alone in Sakura's memories of the double date, is at the center of the entire page, as if to indicate that she was at the center of Kaito's eyes too (because that's what Sakura is talking about in the bubbles). But we can see a "spotlight" beside her, an empty one: that was certainly where Kaito used to be when Sakura met them at the botanical garden.

The Escape

Okay, Sakura found what she was looking for. Or, rather, WHO she was looking for. And it doesn't matter if it's a huge, dark dragon trapped inside a cage. I found this almost hilarious, how she doesn't question even for a second that Akiho's most important person is actually a dragon! But I could quickly realize that it's all because in this manga, external appearances don't matter. What matters is who you are. These are all souls, loving other souls. Everything in between holds no meaning. And so if there's one thing that Sakura knows with all her heart, is that this dragon cannot stay here. So she tells him (yeah, I can finally say "him") to come along with them. But it's in that moment that a danger arises: the clock particles start attacking Sakura and Syaoran at great speed, so much that Syaoran has to turn around very quickly to realize it (I loved the effect in his eyes to indicate the speed). With a swift move, Syaoran summons his famous "Raitei Shourai" and his powerful thunderbolt repels and destroys the clockwork that was about to attack them.

We go back for a moment to Yukito's home, where everyone is staring intently at the tablet to see if Sakura and Syaoran give any sign. A worried Touya (and Yukito, too) turns his attention to Akiho, though, who is the quintessence of tension right now. Hard stare to the screen, she looks as if she's ready to fight anyone at any moment. And here, unfortunately, another translation mistake drops.

ENG: "We need to be sure we're ready to go...In case Sakura-chan calls for us" JP: "I have to be fully prepared...for when Sakura-san will call me"

First thing first, you probably caught it yourself, Akiho calls Sakura "Sakura-chan" in the ENG version, and that's a mistake. She hasn't suddenly changed speech tone in the JP, she hasn't dropped keigo, she still calls her "Sakura-san", as usual. And despite here there isn't a subject (again, a typical thing Ohkawa-sensei does in her scripts), it's pretty understandable that she's talking about herself and not the whole group, because of the imperative tense she's using. Moreover, Sakura told the rest of the group that MAYBE she would've called them if she ended up needing any help, but for Akiho she was SURE she was going to call her, so Akiho really does have to be ready to be called at any moment. Akiho in JP uses a particular word to indicate the concept of "be fully prepared, all set, take all possible measures": 準備万全 (junbi banzen) and when I looked for its complete meaning on the internet, to understand the context better, I found out that this is also the name of a skill in the game of the "Uma Musume" series. That made me laugh because coincidentally, Akiho's voice actress Minori Suzuki is famous for voicing one of the characters of Uma Musume, "Agnes Digital" and I know for a fact that CLAMP are fans of Uma Musume. Was Ohkawa-sensei trying to make a fun reference or an Easter egg, here? 😉 Anyways, Akiho's determined face here is really beautiful, I'd daresay there isn't only determination in those eyes, but also a tiny touch of...irritation? I've probably said it before, on other social media, that I hope Akiho will be the one giving an earful to Kaito, and yell all her feelings in his face while angrily crying 🤪if this is building up to that, I cannot be happier than this!

Everyone proudly looks at our little warrior getting ready, and unfortunately due to the misunderstanding above, Yukito's line is mistaken too, in the ENG version: they make him say "I'm glad we have eachother" while in JP he simply commented "You're so confident/reliable!", which is totally coherent with the face she was making before. The adjective he uses, 頼もしい (tanomoshii) indicates someone who's dependable, reliable, confident or even "sure-footed".

Needless to say, I was very happy to: 1) See an interaction with Akiho coming from Yukito, this is the first time and with this comment he acted like another お兄ちゃん to her (the more, the better); 2) See him defining her "confident and reliable", I've seen a JP fan I follow on Twitter making an interesting interpretation of his line, coming from a character that was always worried over not knowing what to do to help the people he loves, and seeing another magic-less character standing tall and facing this ordeal courageously might have prompted him to understand Akiho's position more than we could imagine; 3) Acknowledge that it really seems as if CLAMP are trying to establish new and more connections between the old cast and Akiho, probably because these connections will stay even after the end.

Back to the situation inside the fake moon, Syaoran yells to Sakura that he's sure he won't be able to break that cage only with his spells, so he urges her to find a way to free and get that dragon out of there while he fends off all the incoming attacks. Sakura immediately complies, and this back and forth between them was already awarded the title of "husband and wife interaction" from the JP fandom. 😂 Sakura remembers what Momo told her about the remaining Cards that are waiting for her call...and sadly I have to point out another translation mistake: while the JP was always vague about the number of Cards awaiting for her to call them, the ENG this time around traced back its steps and made Momo say that "There is one more Card that was left behind", despite in chapter 73 correctly translating Momo's words as a general "There are other Cards that haven't disappeared". So, not only they haven't even checked what they translated just 3 chapters ago and are unable to keep coherence with it, but they didn't even consider that the Card we're about to see isn't even the last one that is waiting to make an appearance ever since the Clockland Play happened. Therefore, it's NOT true that there's just one left.

But the inaccuracies aren't over, because in the next line, Sakura looks at Kaito's pocket watch, and this is the association that she makes with it:

ENG: "This is my mother's watch...and that card looked just like it. I don't remember creating it...but..." JP: "My mother's watch....I created a Card that looked like it, and I never found out when that happened"

Always thanks to Record, Sakura got also back the memories of Nadeshiko's pendant watch, how she got it, and that she found herself with a Card that looked like it but didn't know when she created it (hint: it was because Kaito rewound time, but the Card survived).

It's the moment for Sakura to call the Card: TIME!! And finally, this Card that many awaited in trepidation gets activated for the first time. In a very poignant moment, no less! Sakura, full of gratitude, thinks about her mother and how they made this Card "together", and she finally realizes that Nadeshiko's pendant watch found its way to her through great-grandpa Masaki precisely for this. To be used in this moment. And so she does. She orders to the Card to "activate" the time of the cage, so that she can "open" it, and Nadeshiko's watch goes to position itself precisely over what I think is "the lock" of the cage. I think this might suggest why the watch was changed into a key in the anime: it would make even more sense that it's a key the one that will open the lock. The lock, together with the cage, successfully dissolves, freeing Kaito/the Dragon. The Dragon seemingly "stretches" himself (poor thing, having to stay all crouched for god knows how long!!), destroying all the remaining clockwork in the process. Sakura gets her Card back and doesn't waste time, urging everyone to get out of there. Syaoran notices the opening they had "sliced" into the fake moon earlier, and says to go through that to get outside. I think the opening is appearing here in front of them so immediately because the spell that was warping and making that space so tortuous and convoluted is now broken. Sakura and Syaoran fly towards the opening, successfully getting out of it, but once outside Sakura notices something and looks back in dismay: the Dragon is not moving. She asks frantically why. But Syaoran yells to Sakura to pay attention: she turns around, in time to see a big group of arrows pointing at them, in full attack.

Aaaaand this is where the chapter ends, once again with a big cliffhanger!! Where is this attack coming from???

I'll give you a hint......

Remember a nice afternoon tea, interrupted by a clan of ass*oles allied with an Association of criminals, back in chapter 33? Yeah, Kaito sure remembers well. Lord knows how many of these attacks he had to repel over the months that passed from when he was excommunicated from the Association, officially starting "the war" between him and those bastards. Kaito back then easily fended off the attack by stopping time, again at the expense of his life, but I wonder what will happen now. It's clear it's something that's coming from them. However, I'm still not sure they're concretely sending the attack right now. It might be a "trap" they've left in place in case anybody tried to free Kaito, so maybe Sakura won't confront them directly. I still don't believe this is where it's going. But we'll see what will happen and what direction CLAMP decided to give to this.

My biggest concern is also the Dragon. It became apparent, in this chapter, that the creature is Kaito himself, in some capacity. I say "in some capacity" because we don't know if he was transformed, if this is the form the Seal of D forced on him, or if it's the effect of taking all that magic from the artifact that he got from Akiho. I am pretty sure this isn't his true form or anything like that, he was a human being to begin with.

We don't even know if he's conscious of what's happening right now, what he remembers from "before", from the un-rewritten world. If he remembers about Akiho at all. Unfortunately, he didn't give any signs of even understanding what Sakura was telling him. I have to say it pains me to see Kaito like that, and this is a possibility that I had been preparing myself for since long time, so that surely "cushioned" the blow.

However....

There is a theory going around, about why the Dragon won't move at the end of the chapter. I've seen it both from JP fans and from my mutuals too. And I have to say....it's pretty in-character. It's very convincing. The Dragon/Kaito doesn't move because he doesn't want to. Because he thinks he doesn't deserve to go out there and be saved. And it's to be noted that what Syaoran says is indeed 動かない (doesn't move), not 動けない (can't move). If we have to take those words literally, then we should exclude that there's anything "external" preventing him from moving. The reason is somewhere else.

If it's really Kaito being unsure/not willing to go with them because he doesn't think he deserves to, then that would also mean his memories are intact. Add agony over agony. If his consciousness is intact, I wonder what he thought when he saw Sakura and Syaoran? Was he surprised? I really think this could be the perfect spot where Akiho could finally spring into action. Because THAT is something only SHE can do anything about. If that's really the reason why he's not moving, then he needs to hear the full story. And he needs to hear it from the person his plan affected the most, the one he saved, yes, but also the one he's hurt the most with his blind "excess of love". But before that, Sakura needs to understand where the problem lies. I really hope she'll have the chance to talk to the Dragon again, and with her exceptional empathy, understand that Akiho needs to talk to him.

Next chapter, the 77th one, is going to be published on August 30th on CLAMP's Youtube channel, less than a month away! And by this release date, I can infer it'll go on sale with Nakayoshi on September 1st. At this point it doesn't even feel so "special" to announce it, but the next issue of Nakayoshi will see Sakura once again on the cover, and once again featured in the furoku! At the time of writing this post, no leaks have appeared regarding how/what the furoku will be.

Well! Sorry again for an endless post full of complaints about the translation, but this time around they really messed up. I thought something changed in the translation process in the past 2 chapters and they paid more attention/checked multiple times before giving the OK, but apparently this time that was not the case. As usual, I'll await any question/topic you want to discuss about in my ask box! See you at the end of this month for chapter 77!!

#cardcaptor sakura #card captor sakura #clear card arc #ccsakura #ccs spoilers #translation differences #sakura card captor #sakura kinomoto #syaoran li #yuna d. kaito #akiho shinomoto #chapter 76

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wolfythewitch · 2 years ago

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please do ramble, whats your sbi and sleeping at last association? i really need to know now, that you mentioned it

Okokokok it follows the same directions as the anemoi ones

I'll start with Phil again, and West by sleeping at last, and this time it's more c!Phil than h!Phil

Can you hear me screaming

Can you hear the sandduo fan in me breaking down

The first verse also feels very reminiscent of before he joined the server, back when they would just send letters to each other. And god these verses

I've talked about cphil before, and I've talked about his grief before, and Wilbur Does Not Leave his mind, from November 16th till his revival he hasn't stopped thinking about it. He's thought about it so much that the dude, who's never usually vulnerable, even asks ranboo if what he did was right, one of the times he was emotionally vulnerable in character. I also think it's really neat that Techno built a home in the north and gave Phil a compass that points to it, it's a really neat coincidence. His character also feels very lost in a way? I made a playlist once where I ordered the songs to follow a story, but I left it unfinished because he felt unfinished, forever stuck in some sort of grief (sidenote I need to finish that playlist now that the finale happened) and I think the line about true north fading is pretty neat

So like the oh hellos post, Techno is East, and you can probably see for yourself why I picked it haha

"now I bear little resemblance to the king I once was" is definitely the line that feels very c!techno I think, and "the years wore on and changed my heart, the leading role for a smaller part"

There is the intentional change, with him trying to stay away from violence and retiring, albeit later on going back to violence. But there's also the unintentional part, the one that came more naturally when he found friends. I mean Phil has always been his friend, but now there's Niki and Ranboo, and I mean there was even a hint of a reconciliation with Tommy. Something about having started out trying to go at it alone, and in the end having surrounded yourself with people that care.

So for Wilbur, he gets South.

Wilbur is very associated with lies I think, as a wordsmith. He lies to others and he lies to himself, and I don't think all of it he didn't believe. But also both Phil and Wilbur having lines about losing true north? Oughh. What I really like though is the last few verses

Because these ones are gentler, these ones are kinder. And Wilbur ultimately does try in a way to heal, in the end.

Soo that leaves Tommy with North.

Which I think works really well! A line Tommy has repeated over and over again was that L'manburg was the people, not the government or the land. It was the community.

C!Tommy, I think, is hope. He is kindness, and second chances. Because with everything that's happened to him, he hasn't stopped being kind. He hasn't grown hard with the times, he's remained as open and as vulnerable as he was, even as he grows more scarred. He hasn't stopped caring for the people he loves, because if you stop letting yourself love, what will you have left

#jiksvokrat #wolfy tedtalks #this one os a bit more incompressible my bad ive had 3 hours of sleep #but i love sleeoing at last brbrbrbhd

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ibelieveinahappilyeverafter · 1 month ago

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October Posting Schedule (+Info)

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and hello! Job Searching is still not great, so please enjoy my continued attempts at making writing my career path!

This schedule will list what I will be posting to Patreon and then what I will post Publicly for the month of October! For links to my Writing Commissions, please see the bottom of this post!

NOTE: This post will update with links once the chapter/story is posted and live.

🟠 Patreon October Schedule

*You can pledge to my Patreon here.

**Voting poll will be available on the 25th. Requests for short drabbles & stories will open on the 11th. || Engagement posts will be available on the 16th and 20th.

***Short stories or preview chapters (that are not exclusive) will be posted publicly in November.

5th: From the Beginning - Chapter 5 Sneak Peek - A preview of the next chapter for the my Danny Phantom rewrite story that I've been working on and improving for the last few years.

6th: Exclusive SNK: A Warrior (Once A Soldier) - Reiner Braun has always struggled between his life as a Warrior and as a Soldier, but he has finally found someone who might be able to help balance the two.

12th: Submas: Tragedy in Parts - Part IV - A sneak peek on the next chapter for the Ingo & Emmet story I've been working on that involves time loops and Emmet desperately trying to prevent Ingo from falling into Hisui.

13th: BNHA Exclusive Story: Repeat - Part 2 - Shinsou is still taking care of his de-aged parents and is starting to realize it's not going to be as easy as he hoped it would be.

19th: Pokemon: Bound by Choice - Chapter 8 - A Pokemon Submas fanfiction that revolves around the boys helping an OC overcome their fear of Pokemon.

20th: Exclusive AD:JL Short Story - Spud is stupidly in love with his best friend Jake, but he's not exactly people's first pick. At least, that's what he thinks. Jake seems to think differently.

26th: To Land On Your Feet - Chapter 13 Sneak Peek (Yes, the story is still alive. Someone actually commissioned me to finish it, so you will see it completed!)

27th: Original Story Simon Chapter 2 - Chapter two of an original work I've written that I plan on publishing in a couple of months. This will likely be the last chapter I upload before I look into publishing. (Chapter 2 will only be available on my Patreon.)

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🖊 Public October Schedule

*Stories are posted every Wednesday and Saturday.

2nd: Children in Valhalla (Original) - Children have arrived in the halls of Valhalla and Odin is not pleased about this.

5th: Pokemon: Bound By Choice - Chapter 5 - A Pokemon Submas fanfiction that revolves around the boys helping an OC overcome their fear of Pokemon.

9th: BNHA: A Quirk That Can Do Anything - Shinsou has heard of all the bad his quirk can do, but now he's learning of all the good it can do, as well.

12th: Starting Today, YOU Are A Host! - Haruhi, somehow, finds herself helping to recruit some new members for the Host Club. It acts as a sequel to two of my previous fics: "An Intriguing Notion" and "In It's Own Way."

16th: Original Story: The Mafia Princess - Part 8 - One of my original stories that deals with a girl being taken under the wing of a local mafia boss. It's unique in the fact that each chapter has a poll so readers can decide what happens next!

19th: Pokemon: Bound by Choice - Chapter 6

23rd: Original Story - Three Conditions: A short story written for my Pop Fiction class in which the main character asks a random girl he just met if she'll be his fake date. Yes, he's aware his life is quickly becoming a fanfiction.

26th: Tragedy in Parts - Chapter 4

30th: Original Story - Mafia Princess Part 9

31st: From the Beginning - Chapter 5: A Danny Phantom rewrite that deals a bit more seriously with the show, but also has a lot of twists and changes from the original. (Also my Danny is Genderfluid!)

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If you made it through all of that then consider checking out ways to support me below:

Full Commission Information and Guidelines HERE on Tumblr

Full Commission Information & More HERE on my website

...or, if you prefer, you can just buy me a ko-fi through my main! ☕ ...of, if you have a nice allowance, support me on Patreon! 🪶

You can also read more of my work at:

ibelieveinahappilyeverafter on Tumblr under the tag my writing ibelieveinahappilyeverafter on Archive of Our Own ibelieveinahappilyeverafter.com under Examples

#original #posting schedule #i'll be honest i'm struggling to think of how to tag this #commissions #to try and get some pity viewers and maybe ensnare them with my talent charm and quick with #and the massive amount of executive dysfunction I have paired with the need to overshares #that always draws people in right?

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piizunn · 9 months ago

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not your founding father (mouthpiece)

My thoughts on Louis Riel being named first premier of Manitoba.

Taanshi kiyawow, Riel dishinikashoon. I descend maternally from seven Métis families from the historic Red River Settlement in Manitoba and Batoche, Saskatchewan. Notably, my Berthelett ancestors worked for the North West Company and were community leaders in the Métis settlement of Pointe a Grouette before it was systemically overtaken by French settlers who claim we formed no roots in the area (St. Onge). My Caron ancestors from Batoche fought in the North West Resistance alongside Louis Riel and Gabriel Dumont. My fifth-great-uncle Jean Caron Sr. fought alongside his sons at the age of 52; his house still stands in Batoche to this day, where thousands of Métis make pilgrimages every year to remember the events of 1885.

What do you know about Louis Riel?

I can only read his words and imagine what guidance he would have provided had he lived longer than 41 years. Or imagine myself in his place as he walked to the gallows on November 16th, 1885. As a child when I visited Manitoba my grandpa and my kokum would take me to visit his grave, just as they did with my mother, who named me ‘Riel’.

We are inextricably linked through time and across our homelands. What’s in a name? Unasked for? Not yet earned? I do not yet know who I am to my people but I carry an important name and the trickster’s spirit, and with these comes the responsibility of understanding and revealing cultural and societal truths (Stimson).

I am still growing into my name

Today I am a mouthpiece

An interpreter of the past

What do you know about the trial of Louis Riel?

July 31st, 1885, Riel gives his final speech. Historical weather data shows that it was a hot day in Regina. Cooler than the days before but still hot with the swelter of the plains. He spoke long, in English, not the language of his birth.

“The day of my birth I was helpless and my mother took care of me although she was not able to do it alone; there was someone to help her to take care of me and I lived. Today, although a man, I am as helpless before this court, in the Dominion of Canada and in this world, as I was helpless on the knees of my mother the day of my birth. The Northwest is also my mother; it is my mother country and although my mother country is sick and confirmed in a certain way, there are some from Lower Canada who came to help her to take care of me during her sickness and I am sure that my mother country will not kill me more than my mother did forty years ago when I came into the world, because a mother is always a mother, and even if I have my faults, if she can see I am true, she will be full of love for me.”

“When I came into the Northwest in July, the 1st of July 1884, I found the Indians suffering. I found the half-breeds eating the rotten pork of the Hudson Bay Company and getting sick and weak every day. Although a half-breed, and having no pretension to help the whites, I also paid attention to them. [...] We have made petitions, I have made petitions with others to the Canadian government asking to relieve the condition of this country.”

“We have taken time; we have tried to unite all classes, even may speak, all parties.”

“During my life I have aimed at practical results. I have writings, and after my death I hope that my spirit will bring practical results.”

“When we sent petitions to the Government, they used to answer us by sending police [...] There are papers which the Crown has in its hands, and which show that demoralisation exists among the police, if you will allow me to say it in the court, as I have said it in writing.”

“If I am blessed without measure I can see something into the future, we all see into the future more or less.”

“The only things I would like to call your attention to before you retire to deliberate are:

1st That the House of Commons, Senate and Ministers of the Dominion, and who make laws for this land and govern it, are no representation whatever of the people of the North-West.

2nd That the North-West Council generated by the Federal Government has the great defect of its parent.

3rd The number of members elected for the Council by the people make it only a sham representative legislature and no representative government at all.”

“I have never had any pay. It has always been my hope to have a fair living one day. It will be for you to pronounce - if you say I was right, you can conscientiously acquit me, as I hope through the help of God you will. You will console those who have been fifteen years around me only partaking in my sufferings. What you will do in justice to me, in justice to my family, in justice to my friends, in justice to the North-West, will be rendered a hundred times to you in this world, and to use a sacred expression, life everlasting in the other.”

What do you know about Louis Riel?

I have done this walk in my mind so many times that I have lost count. Historical accounts of the day note that it was a chill, clear, autumn morning. The prairies stretched out, silver frost bathed in sunlight. He faced it all and was brave until the end. Despite reports of it being destroyed, former premier of Manitoba Duff Roblin and his family, and the RCMP gloat over the supposed fragments of the rope that hanged the traitor, and I wonder how long the rope would be if you lined up every single scrap of twine rumoured to be the noose that killed Riel?

Does it make you feel less guilty to call him a founding father? Canadians are only able to remember him through his murder and not through his words that can still animate his presence. Written words and objects once owned are ghosts, extensions of our bodies and spirits. When I read his letters and journals I see the urgency in his penmanship, and I think about the sweat and invisible oils of his skin becoming a part of each page as he wrote and wrote and wrote. I wonder where each journal travelled with him during his exile, and why he chose each book. There is one with an illustration of a guardian angel watching over two children, and I wonder if he thought of himself as one of them being shepherded through life by his ancestors.

Canadians argue about whether or not Riel should have been hanged instead of talking about what he had believed and said and accomplished, and what he wanted to do with the rest of his life had it not been cut short.

No one talks about his dreams or his fears, and he did not live long enough to answer the question of if he would have wanted to be revered as the first premier of Manitoba. Or, in response would he ask for clean water for all, to stop the sweeps, and starlight tours? Would he ask for the Winnipeg police to search the landfills for our murdered women instead of brutalizing and killing us? Would he call for an end to all colonialism and genocide? Or would he simply ask for a place to smudge and be in peace for a while?

When we send petitions to the government they still answer us by sending the police, before turning around and calling Louis Riel a founding father (Riel).

Canada cannot answer these questions for him by giving him that title posthumously, only sit with the discomfort of blood-soaked hands, and wonder how different things would have been had that sacred fire not been snuffed out in 1885.

I cannot answer these questions for him either

And I am still growing into our name.

Works Cited

Riel, Louis. Excerpts from his final statement in court on trial, July 31st, 1885

Stimson, Adrian, “Buffalo Boy: Then and Now.” Fuse Magazine, vol. 32, no. 2, 2009, pp. 18-25.

St-Onge, Nicole J.M. “The Dissolution of a Métis Community: Pointe à Grouette, 1860–1885.” Studies in Political Economy 18.1 (1985): 149–172. Web.

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now-showing-at-the-hawk-events · 1 year ago

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Now Showing At The Hawk

🎟MetalSandwich Movie Mania🎟

Welcome to the MetalSandwich/Harringroveson Movie Event! I hope everyone will have a good time and make new friends as we create or appreciate the cool stuff that comes out of this event!

After a movie night with some friends on discord where we watched The Lost Boys, the idea came about to me to have a Week, seven days with a prompt for each day, with the date and prompts announced months in advance so everyone has time to make something for it!

The prompts for it will be focused on movies from the 70s/80s/90s! After an interest check and vote, the date decided was October 10th-16th! I hope everyone will have enough time and fun for this to become an annual event!

Tag for the event is #MetalSandwichMovies23

The Official Prompts!

(I decided to skip voting for this in the name of time and energy, but I was as thorough as I could be to ensure there was something for everyone!)

Oct 10th - Free Musical/Animated Movie Day

Oct 11th - Free SciFi/Fantasy Movie Day

Oct 12th - Free Action/Adventure Movie Day

Oct 13th - Free Romance/Historical Movie Day

Oct 14th - Free Horror/Creature Feature Movie Day

Oct 15th - Free Genre Movie Day

Oct 16th - Iconic Movie Day: (The Lost Boys/Labyrinth/Rocky Horror Picture Show/Etc)

Read more for Rules & FAQs

What is accepted for the event?

Anything! Fan fiction, fan art, photo edits, moodboards, fan videos, playlists, cosplays, you name it! Just let your creativity go!

Is there a minimum word count or something similar for other projects?

Not at all! Go wild, write drabbles, do anything!

I will ask that any videos include captioning and images include alt text to be considerate towards our friends with hearing and auditory processing difficulties!

How strict do we have to stick to the prompts?

Good question! With the variety and freedom of the prompts I hope you'll have plenty of wiggle room. And maybe you don't feel any movie au in particular but still want to participate? Maybe the boys just have a movie night watching a movie of your choice or they're actors! Who knows, you do! ;) I just want everyone to have fun. If you'd like any movie suggestions, let us know and we'll make a post!

I might run a little late in posting? Is that okay?

Life happens and it sucks! The dates are good for organization and giving everyone a clear schedule to try to keep to. But anything made specifically for this event will be accepted as long as it is posted sometime in October or early November. Otherwise, there's always next year!

I'd like to chat, maybe share ideas, or just show love for our favorite guys! Is there a discord?

Yes! It's 18+ and you can join us here!

Cool! Is there a Twitter?

Also yes! Give us a follow and share!

https://twitter.com/atthehawkevents

What kind of ratings and content are allowed?

This is an explicit, kink, and Dead Dove friendly event as we are dealing with many kinds of movies, including horror! Just make sure to tag appropriately. If you're unsure and need help with tagging, reach out via DM and we'll give our best suggestions.

#metalsandwich #harringroveson #MetalSandwichMovies23 #harringroveson event #MetalSandwich event #billy hargrove #steve harrington #eddie munson #stedilly

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a-moth-called-mof · 4 months ago

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Throughback Thursday aka I go over my mains during the dsmp

Many of my followers might not know this but i have swapped through multiple "mains". I still wouldn't say I have a dsmp "main", because I've always had phases and even when I did, I've always tried to follow people who "mained" characters I didn't follow as much so I knew what was up. My original "main" was actually C! Fundy. I fucking adored him. I was a big C! Fundywastaken shipper and if you look through my fundywastaken tag you can see the whole ass wedding canonicity saga. I loved C! Fundy so much from late season 1 (when I joined the fandom) (aka before November 16th) to early season 2 (aka post November 16th) and I was really hoping he'd get to be in a spot light for a bit with Ghostbur. I also really likes C! Niki and C! Bad around this time.

After that, I orbited C! Tubbo a lot (although I've always kept up with C! Clingy to some degree) as well C! Ranboo, C! Eret and C! Puffy (IM STILL MAD ABOUT CC! PUFFY RETCONING HER CHARACTER BEING A MOM BECAUSE THE FANDOM FORCED HER INTO THE STEREOTYPICAL MOM ROLE. i really likes c! Puffy as a mom because even though she was a maternal figure. She had such wine aunt energy and felt like such a fleshed out person to me) (also got really into c! Puffychu for a bit)

And then exile happened and C! Tommy maining began (<- FUN FACT I USED TO FUCKING **HATE** C! WILBUR 😭 I thought he was pretty abusive during Pogtopia and I still do think that C! Tommy scape goated C! Techno a bit because he didn't wanna acknowledge how badly Wilbur missed him up <- that being said even though i didnt like c! Wilbur. I was still always of the opinion, he had the potential to get better and i always felt like he'd come back later eventually).

After exile, I became a pretty big C! Techno main and (c! Emerald enjoyer) even if I didn't always agree with what he was doing (<- tbf I've always watched C! Techno, probably helped he didn't stream as much as the others). Around this time and after Doomsday, I got pretty into C! Sam and Ponk as well. And post C! Tommy dying and lore slowing down, I got really into C! Quackity (although I've always been attached to him because a close friend of mine at the time basically mained him). And then the C! Wilbur revival happened and I started getting more into him and I think he was my last proper "main" before the lore dropped off and the CC! Dream stuff started coming out

Overall all the dsmp characters hold a special space in my heart because I was pretty into almost all of then at some point (I didn't mention this because I don't consider this long enough to be a phase but I did have a week or two where I fixated a lot on C! George and C! Hannah). And idk, all of them hold a place in my heart and I also think half of them suck ass as people but I think that's the appeal for me

#MENTIONING C! FUNDYWASTAKEN IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2024 MAKES ME FEEL INSANE BTW.L #idk these characters will always mean a lot to me #love the dsmp forever im afraid #dream smp #mcyt #mof speaks #retrospective look on my time as a fan is oddly healing idk

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kalcifers-blog · 1 year ago

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MAG 10185 - Comatose

JSE EGOS X THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES

Fanfic/Statement.

Written by Kalcifer

(Loosely inspired by this fanfic by vanyzvat!!!!)

⚠️CW: descriptions of gore, hospitals, psychological horror, mental deterioration, acts of violence and loss of sanity.⚠️

Please move forward safely!!

Statement of Doctor Henrik Von Schneeplestien, regarding a patient that never existed. Statement documented November 16th, 2018, read by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. Statement Begins;

You see a lot of things as a doctor. A lot of very awful things. Things that you wished to never return too. I used to be able to not let things get to me, and I used to do it well.

One time a woman died in my care, aged 21. That was the first time something like that got to me. She was so young so- ready to begin her life. She was healthy too- a complete accident that took her away too short. And I couldn't help her- it drove me mad.

I don't even know how long it took me before I was able to sleep at night, but eventually I did, knowing that focusing on using her memory to motivate me to do better would allow me to save more people than wallowing in my own self pity ever could.

What I'm trying to make you understand is that I am used to seeing people during their worst moments and I am used to being able to come back from it. It's part of my job to be able too you understand.

This is why- this case- it, it worries me.

I want to believe I just lost my mind. I wished, I so utterly wished it was as simple as that. But I wouldn't be here if that was the case would I?

This all started two years ago. October 31st. I was appointed to overlook the care of a patient that had been put in a medically induced coma- after he had apparently, mutilated himself with a 7 inch kitchen knife. I won't go into detail but the wound was bad. And in my own professional opinion, the fact he survived at all was nothing short of a miracle.

I- I try to picture the man I was looking after for months. A year? I- don't know how long it was. But the image of him, it shifts in my mind- it warps like sand and everytime I think I can clearly picture him- he's faded into something completely different.

The one thing I do know for certain is that vibrant green hair he had, it was the first thing I noticed about him before I had to see that, horrid wound on his throat. I expected it to fade during his time with me. But it never did. The day he left it was just as vibrant as it was the day he arrived.

Each time I entered his room- (room 10-185) my head would start spinning. I got what I needed done, I- I attempted to treat him with the same humanity I did with all my patients, especially those who are in such conditions as he is. But every time I entered that room I felt the pressure of an intense migraine push at the front of my skull and I found myself hurrying out of his presence more times than I can count.

It was, routine as always, leaving his room only a few minutes after I entered, rushing towards the nearest bathroom when I noticed it- blood- my own blood, trickling gently down from the corneas of my eyes, staining my otherwise cleaned hospital mask. I hoped it was just my, apparently terrible vision but the blood it- it just looked too red- too vibrant- it reminded me of the man's hair that refuses to fade.

I started seeing things about three months before he left. Shadows that quickly escaped my vision as soon as I tried to look at them. The machines he was hooked up too- switching from a heartbeat monitor to awful, graphic images of visara. The lenses in cameras shifted to look like piercing eyes, flickering to stare at me and to never break their contact.

The wound should've healed by then. It should've. The man should've been dead at that point if he kept bleeding the way he did. But he didn't. He wouldn't die he just lay there. A sickening imitation of death, a mockery- towards me.

That's what it had to be. It was some cruel joke. Towards me, to give me this patient- this thing, to cause me my breakage. Why something would do this is beyond me, and why me? Its something I wished I could give an answer for.

But nothing ever changed. I just got worse. I stopped cutting my hair I think, I only barely followed the hospital guides for cleanliness as much as I could- as much as my tormentor would let me before the water in my shower turned to acid in my mind. Causing me to jump out screaming- it never was of course. It always had been water. The marks that plague my skin say otherwise but it's impossible for it to be anything other than water.

You would think the day the man left the hospital would be a joyous day for me. That I would be happy to see him finally be removed from my life. But no. Of course not. Why would I get any respite from this torment?

I came into the room, disheveled as always. And he wasn't there- I almost didn't notice it- I had gotten so far down my own delusion that I barely noticed that his presence wasn't in the room.

I almost cried with relief, until I saw the flickering of the lights. It- it was just an electrical issue- something that could be fixed- I tried to reason with myself- but the pit in my stomach knew- I just knew it was him.

The hospital stopped making noise that day. Everything stopped, it was like the world had paused. No one was there, I checked. And I checked again. And it was only the third time, after I had checked every room, every inch of the hospital, that I finally returned to room 10-185. And where my patient was waiting for me.

He was facing the wall opposite the door from which I entered. His hair was still that green colour- it- it hurt to look at. I tried not to look, but I couldn't, I felt the blood pour down my face as my eyes grew overwhelmed at the sight of the man and, all the features I can't even place in my mind.

And then- he spoke- his voice was something that could only work after doing what he did to his own throat, the very thing, the action that tied me to him. He said "I think I'm ready to be checked out. Thank you, doctor"

He turned to stare at me. At least his head did. The rest of him stayed statue still. I could hear his bones pop and his flesh tear, as he forced himself to look at me. And gave me a large smile, the blood from his throat, gushing out from between his rotted teeth like a broken faucet.

I'm sure I blacked out, I had to. Because the next moment I remember, I'm in the office of my superior. Being given the information that I had been fired. I'm sure that's what he said. The ringing static in my ears was so loud at that point, I could only piece together what he was telling me.

I didn't care at that point. I just wanted the figure that loomed over his shoulder to stop staring at me with its bloodshot eyes and broken smile.

I have no where else to go now. No one in my life that's cared to stick around will believe me. I have nothing but my story and my diminishing mind. Hopefully, I can finally get some rest at night. It is so hard too when you're being watched.

Statement ends.

After some research into this statement we have confirmed that Dr. Schneeplestien, a German man who had been living in England for upwards of 15 years, did infact work as a surgeon in the Manchester Royal Infirmary.

He was subsequently let go from his job, after neglecting his work for upwards of 15 months. It had only came into light that he was doing so, 3 months before his, very abrupt departure. He had apparently, lashed out at his superiors when he was confronted about this, leading to his almost immediate suspension- as well as arrest for assault towards a police officer, as he was forcibly removed from hospital property.

Henrik had apparently, grabbed a surgical scalpel from his lab coat- and had stabbed one of the officers in the collar. The man survived- but it is interesting to me that Henrik had very clearly, aimed for the same area as the wound of the patient he was looking after, apparently was.

Speaking of the patient- he very much does not exist. The is no record of anyone remotely similar to Schneeplestien's- albeit very vague description of the man, ever being admitted to the Manchester Royal, or existing in the first place.

I was initially tempted to appoint this in the discreated section. As to me it very much reads as the ramblings of a, clearly mentally unwell individual. However one thing that was found when doing this research, is what happened leading up to this statement being made in the first place.

Henrik Von Schneeplestien, was apparently, taken into the custody of the research facility known as I.R.I.S. a facility which, has very similar areas of study to The Magnus Institute. And apparently, take their findings with a lot more agency than the likes of The Magnus Institute. They seemingly, had allowed Henrik to make this statement to gather evidence towards- something.

I did try to reach out to them, as a follow up on this. To figure out what they could possibly need this research for. But apparently, everything about the case of Doctor Henrik Von Schneeplestien, is completely classified information. And legally, this is the only information available to the public about the doctor in any form.

After making this statement, it seems that I.R.I.S had effectively wiped any pre-existing public information of the doctor himself- other than this statement of course. For what reason, I don't know.

That just begs the question- what does I.R.I.S have to hide? I have this nagging feeling that this will not be the last we hear of I.R.I.S- or the likes of the former doctor either..

...End recording.

#jacksepticeye #jse egos #jse #the magnus archives #tma #tma style fanfic #jse community #henrik von schneeplestein #jse fanfiction #fanfic #jse ego fanfic #kal writes #kalcifers blog #kalcifer

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dreamersbcll · 1 year ago

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“Ink Blots”

for @krikeymate

3/5

——————————————————————————

May 19th, 2018

Dear Sam,

Two years. Two whole years. You got up and left. No surprise. I’m still where you left me.

Every day I wake up, and there’s five seconds of bliss before I remember. You’re there for a heartbeat, nothing more. I can almost feel your breath on my cheek and your hand brushing through my hair

I can picture it all. You are holding me, your chin buried into my shoulder. I am holding your hands as they wrap around me. It’s imprinted on my brain.

Amber tells me every day that I need to move on. That you’re long gone. That when you were here, you were never really here. It’s like a broken record.

Yet, She’s right in some ways. You always chose any other substance but me.

But I don’t want to admit that she’s right. She would take it and run. I love her, but she’s a little too intense sometimes. We’ve watched the Stab movies every night since you left like clockwork. I don’t get it.

Please come home. The back door is always open. I don’t lock my bedroom door anymore. You can slip in.

Love, Tara.

——

June 15th, 2018

Dear Samantha,

Formal right? I found your birth certificate and some other documents today. Well, Amber did. She looked through my shit earlier, claiming she “wanted to see if you took your personal information.”

Spoiler: you didn’t. But I don’t know why you would. I’m pretty sure just a driver’s license is needed to disappear.

Anyways, I put your shit into a box and hid it under the floorboards. You’ll find it one day, I’m sure.

I couldn’t find my information. Maybe I’m not a Carpenter. That would be something, huh? Being able to escape this hell family line.

A girl can dream.

Tara Carpenter (maybe).

——

September 27th, 2018

Dear Sam,

High school sucks. Sophomore year sucks. I hate this place.

I don’t want to do anything. I hate math. I’m not good at history. I can’t remember shit.

All the teachers give me looks. Looks of sympathy, disgust, suspicion. I think they recognize the family name. School wasn’t your thing, but it would’ve been nice if you didn’t fuck it up for me. I can barely keep up with the shit they throw at me.

The only one who’s forgiving me is my English teacher Ms. Smith. She has kind, gentle brown eyes, just like yours. Surprisingly, she’s the only teacher who believes in me.

We read books a lot. She helps mentor me in critical writing skills.

Who knows. Maybe I’ll write a book and make us famous, just like that Gale Weathers lady.

Tara

——

November 16th, 2018

Dear Sam,

Do you ever wonder if Mom was ever good? Did we make her this way?

Did I make her this way?

I’m so sick of cleaning up broken bottles and piles of puke. I’m so tired of watching her wither away right before my eyes. I can’t even save her. I can’t tell her to stop. I can’t get her to stop.

Begging and pleading never worked. Trust me; I’ve been trying it with you every night. I think God, or whatever deities I pray to, stopped listening years ago.

It’s strange. First, Dad leaves. Then you. And now Mom had her foot halfway out the door. Is it me? Do you all leave because of me?

What the hell did I do?

Confused, Tara.

——

December 14th, 2018

Dear Sam,

Sweet sixteen. Happy birthday to me. Not that you cared.

Mindy and Chad decorated my locker. Amber bought me flowers and a cake. Ms.Smith gave me a new journal. Mom went on a business trip to Singapore.

And… I’m sixteen. I have a handful of people that care. But they don’t matter. They don’t fucking matter.

I want you, Sammy. You promised to teach me how to drive. You promised to take me for my license. I’ve had to learn how to drive with Amber. And she’s taking me for my license tomorrow. Everything you were supposed to do.

But I suppose this is what you wanted. You would’ve come back if it wasn’t.

I hope wherever you are sucks. I hope you feel my disappointment and anger from here. I’m furious with you. I hate it.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Tara

——

January 1st, 2019

Dear Sam,

I’m drunk and I miss you and I wish you were here I wish you loved me I want you to love me come back come back come back

Love Tara

——

February 18th, 2019

Dear Sam,

I got picked for the school newspaper—advice column. I laughed in Ms. Smith’s face when she offered it to me.

Advice column. As if I would be the one to give advice. I can’t get anyone to stay.

Did you hear that Robbie Sullivan asked me on a date? I said yes. He never showed up to the theater. Amber was pissed. He came to school the next day with a broken arm and fractured ribs. He said some asshole attacked him.

Funny. Amber talked about a scene in the Stab franchise where someone gets ambushed and hurt. Seemed familiar.

Anyways. School is slow, and life is passing me by. Chad is a big-shot basketball player. I haven’t gone to a game. I can’t stand being in a room full of people and feeling so alone. Mindy is okay with it. She comes over sometimes to braid my hair and make my bed.

Everything is in slow motion. Time is passing, but not at all.

Do you feel that way?

Tara.

——

April 4th, 2019

Dear Sam,

I’m doing fine. I’m regaining all my strength and self-worth in record time. I brush my hair most days and even clean my room once a week.

I stopped going through the photos I kept under my bed. I feel no need to reflect on the past right now because that’s all I can do. There’s no future when I know you’re out there ignoring me.

Maybe even forgetting about me.

I joined a club. A book club. It’s nice just sitting there and letting people’s opinions swallow me whole. I can listen and nod, and everyone leaves me alone; because I’m not moping around anymore. Amber is happier anyways. She was so angry with me for being sad all the time.

Jokes on her; I’m still sad. But I can’t lose anything else anymore, so sadness is a wasted feeling. I can walk for hours in the darkness, stay up all night, pray, and it still wouldn’t matter.

You are still gone, and I am here. I might as well try.

Tara.

——

May 19th, 2019

Dear Sam,

Three years.

I don’t know if I have any tears left to cry for you. I’ve accepted that I’ll never see you again if you could help it.

I hope that once I’m out of this town, you come back, looking for me. And when I’m not there, you understand how it feels.

I try not to be mean. But this is what you wanted, isn’t it? An escape from me. You were leaving me before I could infect you with whatever darkness swirls inside me.

No explanation comes to my mind besides the one where you’re sick of me.

I don’t blame you. I get it.

Love, Tara.

#scream #sam carpenter #tara carpenter #carpenter sisters #ao3 author #my writing tag #ink blots au #sad sad sad sad i’m sad #yeah…………

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memphisnovels · 7 months ago

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Evermore

Chapter 28. Where is my mind

Previous chapter

Masterlist

Hi friends!

This is a hard read, Nadia is wading though the mess of her history and its a very sad history at that.

If it helps things are always darkest before the dawn <3

Things will get better for our girl!

pairing: Pietro Maximoff x OFC

warnings: angst, PTSD, canon-typical violence, soft Pietro, Nadia needs a hug

“Where were you born?”

“St. Petersburg.”

“What is your name?”

Nadia Morozova. That’s what I said, again and again.

My name is Nadia Morozova, I was born in St. Petersburg on the 16th of November 1989.

“Where are your parents?”

I never knew them.

“Where are you parents.”

I gasped for air, sweat beading my forehead. My muscles ached with the tension that lived within them for the past three weeks. My throat was raw from yelling and cursing at the agent who stood at my bedside, observing and noting down the words I spoke. A cool cloth dabbed at my feverish skin, my head lolled to the side, revealing Anna. There was a frown on her lips that seemed to be permanently etched into her expression these days.

21 days earlier

I didn’t see Anna until I got off the plane in Brazil, she was waiting for me at the private airstrip.

“The plan is to try to unravel some of the memories that are troubling you and hopefully if they’re less tangled, you’ll have some more clarity.”

I nodded, looking down at my hands. More and more trees lined the road as we continued. “Where are we going?”

I felt her gaze on me for a moment before she looked back ahead. “It was organized by Ross, he wanted somewhere discreet, somewhere without distraction.”

“Somewhere like?”

“The amazon.”

The number of trees only grew as, and the road thinned out into a dirt track where two men stood waiting. One in a button-up shirt that had him appearing immensely out of place, and the other an older man, hair white and sparse with wrinkles and sunspots covering his face. Anna parked the car on the side of the track, going to the back to collect the bags.

“Agent Pimenova, I’m assuming?” Button-down asked, hand outstretched toward me. I glanced at it before turning to grab my bag from Anna. The man cleared his throat, dropping his hand back by his side. “I’m Dr Norris, I’ll be overseeing this… operation.”

“Where the hell is this place?” The older man stepped forward then, pointing toward the dense tree line before us. I looked over my shoulder at Anna. “What the fuck?”

“I hope you brought comfortable shoes.” She handed me my backpack and a bottle of water before gesturing for me to enter the trail ahead of her.

The old man who’s name I’d learned was João lead us through the forest, no map nor compass of any kind, no hesitation, and no stopping. The trek was mostly silent, save for the crunching of leaves beneath our feet and the heavy breathing of Agent Norris. I knew Anna wanted to say more, though she remained silent. Whether it was the presence of Ross’s agent, or my lack of attempts to make conversation, I was unsure. I chose to address it at a later time. The hike was long and arduous, the heat baring down on us to the point it felt like I was suffocating. I pulled the tank top from my sweaty stomach, using the bottom to wipe my forehead.

“How much further?” Anna asked.

“Little.” João grumbled.

It took us 2 hours and 45 minutes to reach the cabin, according to my watch. My watch, which was taken by Dr Norris at the door of the cabin. He placed it into a metal box along with my phone. “It’s protocol, though, the phone won’t be much use out here, it’s a black zone, no service, impossible to be tracked.” He spoke casually as he stowed the box in the room, I was assuming was his.

I surveyed the cabin, moderately sized, with three rooms off of the one we’d enter into. There was a small kitchenette, an old couch and many large jugs of water sitting on the floor in the corner. João was gone when I turned around, like he’d never even been there in the first place. Anna and Norris led me into the room I’d be staying in, withing the four walls was a double bed, beside a table filled with an array of strange devices and a screen. I dragged my finger over the various machines as Norris spoke.

I only caught bits of what he said. “Cognitive therapy… memory loss… hippocampus…”

In the morning Norris attached hooked me up to one of the larger machines, wires running from patches that he placed across my forehead. The screen was moved in front of me, and I remember making a snarky comment about the likelihood of getting a streaming service out here. That is the last clear moment I can recall from that time.

The heat never let up, there were times when I felt sure I’d burn alive. Sweat seemed to become a constant part of my existence, after a few days the shaking set in, so intense it was as if my bones were rattling around beneath my flesh. João came back sometimes, he’d make a pungent tea that burned my nose and made my head foggy.

I think the nightmares were worse, though to be honest most of the time it was hard to distinguish my dreams from reality.

On the screen there were bizarre black and white shapes that morphed and pulsed, making me dizzy. I remember a clicking sound and then the shapes changed again. Another click and everything was red.

The girl before me had ringlets of chocolate brown hair the jostled as she thrashed. I blinked rapidly, watching the man with the mask choke her. I could see flesh peeking out from beneath her suit where he’d nicked her with his blade. He wasn’t supposed to be here, I didn’t even know who he was. This was supposed to be a quick mission, in and out. That is what Dreykov had said. It was my first real assignment. Though really it was Arina’s I was just supposed to shadow her. The best way to learn. My hands were shaking as my fingers wrapped around the cool metal, it was heavy, and my arms were still weak. My heart was thudding heavily in my chest, and I could feel my lip trembling even though I wasn’t sure what I was doing was wrong. This is what I am supposed to do; what they tell us to do. My fingers were small, so I had to squeeze extra hard, holding the gun with both hands. Even with the silencer that pop was loud to my ears. Afterwards everything stopped. The man behind Arina went still, save for the way his shoulders fell and his spine straightened slightly. A circle of red sat in the center of his forehead, a stream of blood trickling down from it just before he fell backward, twitching for less than a second before his body went limp. Arina rolled her head on her shoulders, pressing a finger to her in ear and speaking quickly, smoothly, unshaken.

“Complete.” She placed a hand atop the gun that was still poised between my hands, pushing it downwards and stopping directly in front of me to look into my eyes. “Nice shot.”

I was 11. I’d only ever shot targets before then.

“Nadia.”

Anna was there, dabbing a cool cloth across my forehead. Blurry to my half-lidded eyes. Darkness consumed me with a blink.

“Are you certain she’s taking to the new treatments?”

“I am certain she will.” It was the man with the glasses, thick German accent coating each of his words. “The mind can only take so much.”

Natasha stood behind me, helping me tighten the feather headpiece. “Just like we practiced, remember, pretend there’s no one in the audience, it’s just you and me, I’ll be right here in the wings while you dance.”

I’d never been Odette before. I was terrified. I neared the edge of the wings, the stage still dark as the music began. A shove to my shoulders and I went tumbling forward, suddenly in the center, beneath a blinding spotlight. I looked toward the wings to see no sign on Natasha, or anyone. There was, however, someone before me. In the audience the were people, three of them. I wandered closer, squinting against the light to see their faces but it was futile. The closer I got the blurrier they became until there was no one there at all. I realized then that the music had changed, a different song altogether had become. It was no longer Swan Lake. A second spotlight appeared then a loud shuttering filling the room as it did. Across the stage was another dancer, dark-haired with a different garment. A long white dress with a blue and red corset vest over the top. I knew it was Giselle, but she seemed unaware of my presence. My feet felt cemented to my place on the stage, locked down and immovable. I called out for her attention, though she never even turned her head. The picture stuttered, blurred and jolted and I fell to my knees against the hard floor. Giselle twirled around me, still facing away. I called to her again and this time she stopped, her head whipping toward me but she had no face, it was only blank smooth skin, yet she spoke.

“What is your name?”

I stared up at her in bewilderment. “I-I…” The moment jolted again, distorted like a scratched CD. “Nadia.”

She was eerily stiff as asked. “What is your name?” Even without eyes I felt her gaze burning into me.

“I just told you.”

“What is your name?”

I told her again and again she asked.

“I already told you.” I was growing tired of this. Less afraid of her expressionless face. I moved to my feet before her.

“It ends whenever you want it to.”

My eyebrows furrowed; it was not her speaking at all. I looked around to find no one but us. The voice asked me again. I blinked and Giselle was gone, then she was back. “You tell me.”

“Where are you parents.”

“I don’t have any.”

“Tell me.”

The music swelled, Giselle act 1: overture. I didn’t know why I knew that I just did. More music began then, Swan Lake, Op. 20, Act II. I’d danced it a hundred times before. It was so loud, the two songs merging and clashing. I clutched my ears to shield them from some of the immense sound. I fell back to the floor, pressing my forehead against the cold surface, knees tucked beneath me whilst I continued to cover my ears.

“Tell me your name!”

I clutched my ears tighter; the music only grew louder.

“Tell me!”

“I don’t know!”

The metal of the seat dug into my skin as my arms and legs were strapped down. I pulled against the restraints but there was no give, the walls were sterile white, so stark they hurt my eyes. The man with glasses was there but he was speaking in a hushed tone to someone I couldn’t see.

“She isn’t ready…” The movement of my neck was limited by something. I saw a blank screen before me on a trolley. “Subject 114… this will all be undone if she is transferred before she is ready.”

The man turned swiftly, catching me glancing over at him. He returned to stand before me, turning the television on and lifting a metal ring from beside me. I looked up as best I could to see what he was placing over my head. I’d never seen anything like it. A metallic halo with wires attached. The moment the screen turned on I was back on the stage and the music was playing again.

“Where are your parents?” I was back in the chair.

“You tell me.” A sharp pain emerged in my forehead and arm. I flinched at the shock.

The shocks happened a lot. The response to incorrect answers I realized.

“What is your name?”

“I already told you.” But it wasn’t my voice that spoke. A little girl who sounded nothing like me had spoken when my lips moved.

Another electric shock.

The cool of the cloth Anna pressed to my head anchored me to reality for a moment. I wasn’t sure what day it was or how long I’d been lying here. But she was wearing different clothes than the last time I’d seen her and there were dark circles around her eyes.

My body was weak, completely depleted of energy. The truth was, this felt a whole lot like dying. A tear ran down my cheek. The hot liquid felt cool against my overheated flesh. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“I know.” She gripped the towel tighter. “I don’t want you to do this anymore either. But you are remembering things. We’re getting somewhere.”

I swallowed over the dryness in my throat. “Where?”

“It seems, from the memories we can piece together and the visceral reaction to the ballet… well, the working theory right now is that hydra conditioned you to be a kind of sleeper agent but instead of commanding you to complete an assignment when activated your task was to forget. Perhaps to mask their training techniques or to make you forget recognizable traits of the Red Room. It’s like they’ve put boxes of memories behind a locked door and Giselle is the key.”

I turned my head away from her, looking up again. The ceiling had become a strange comfort to me, browning at the edges, paint peeling. When I was staring up at it, I knew I was here, in this room, not locked in my mind. Though, the comfort never lasted long.

A metal hand wrapped around my throat pinning me to the ground in the training room. My muscles ached from the days I’d spent being interrogated by Dreykov and the others about Natasha’s defection. His eyes were so dark they almost appeared black as he stared down at me, no emotion present on his face.

“Where is she?”

“I don’t know.” I was losing count of how many times I’d said that since she left.

His grip didn’t let up, it occurred to me then that he could kill me, in fact he might if he believes I’m lying. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that fact. His hand closed around my throat until he was cutting off my air supply. I grabbed at his hand, attempting to pry it off but all my strength was no match for the metal limb.

I lurched upright in the bed gripping Anna’s arm as the fog cleared, the moment of clarity was short-lived however as I was forced backward against the bed. When I opened my eyes again Anna was gone and I was in a different room, white walls, fluorescent lights baring down on me. Hands held me down against cold metal and it was Dreykov’s voice that I heard then. “Calm now, my Nadia, the graduation ceremony is a reward for your strength, you should feel honored.”

I thrashed against the hands that held me, but my body went still when I heard the music begin.

‘Stars shining bright above you.

Night breezes seem to whisper, ‘I love you.’

Birds singin’ in the sycamore tree

Dream a little dream of me’

I was looking down at my feet which sat atop black dress shoes that moved us across hardwood floors. Little pink toenails stark against the polished leather. A warm palm pressed to my back, another clasping my right hand softly. My eyes rose and I saw a white dress shirt, with a tie hanging loosely around the collar, once neat and uniform, now relaxed. Humming filled my ears next, and it was as if the moment was coming to life around me. The sound of his voice was warm and strangely comforting. He couldn’t quite remember the words, that’s what I was thinking as we danced, then that is what he said to me.

“We’re doing famously to remember this dance, chickadee.”

A giggle was the next thing I heard, small, light-hearted. It had come from me I realized. The longer the moment went on the less I felt a spectator and the more I became an active participant.

“Should we show mama and buggy before dinner?”

“We absolutely must, my girl! It would be rude to hide our talent for ballroom from them.” Another giggle. I stepped off of the man’s feet as he spun me around before grasping my sides and lifting me off of the ground. My hands clutched at his forearms, as the wind whipped around me and her pulled me into a tight embrace. Just like that his face was revealed to me, brown hair that was lightening with age, a thick mustache atop his upper lip and lines by his eyes that creased further as he smiled at me. “I think we’ve earned a treat after all that work. What about you?”

I nodded fervently. “Ice cream?”

He pretended to think for a moment, pursing his lips and humming out loud. “I’d say it’s definitely on the cards.”

“With sprinkles?”

“What is ice cream without sprinkles?!”

His hand was a warm weight filling my own, swinging back and forth as he led me ahead, however, the gentle hold was gone abruptly as I was yanked backward.

“Where are your parents?” The man in the glasses gripped my chin, scanning my face.

Then, he too, was gone.

The room I found myself in was large and dimly lit, one wall lined with books and the other windows. There was a record player in the corner, atop an ornate side table. I gently navigated the needle to touch the vinyl, awaiting the beginning of the song.

‘You’ve got a cute way of talking

You’ve got the better of me…’

I danced around the room as the lyrics poured out.

“You make me feel like dancing.” I sang, swaying and spinning to the beat.

The first crash had me frozen in my spot, but that was the only warning before the door burst open. Light poured into the room, and I felt my blood turn cold. The music echoed through the house as I ran, the first man was much stronger than me, but I was small and quick, giving me an advantage as I slipped from his grip and under his arm. I could feel my heart racing in my chest as footsteps gained on me. Further, crashed sounded as I thrashed around in the arms that grabbed me. I pulled things from shelves and kicked out, knocking over décor and anything I could get my hands on, all in an attempt to grab ahold of a surface and pull myself free. Glass shattered across the floor, carnations and roses splaying as the vase disintegrated into shards. I could still hear the music as the cloth was placed over my mouth and the world began to fade.

I cried and cried and begged for it to end. The man in the glasses never even flinched as he wheeled the trolley before me, switching on the small box television where Giselle would appear, again and again. Wires were taped to me and I was strapped to a cold metal chair. The final strap laying across my forehead, forcing me to be still, ensuring I couldn’t look away at the ballet played out before me.

The man appeared before me again and I waited for him to ask me the same questions he always did. But when he opened his mouth, he didn’t ask me a question.

“Your name is Nadia Morozova. You were born in St. Petersburg, Russia on the 7th of November. You are an orphan; you never knew your parents.”

I closed my eyes tightly as he repeated the words, over and over. When I opened them, it was just Giselle.

Tears were gathered in my hairline, leaving the sides of my forehead damn with more than just sweat. I felt fingertips dusting across the flesh ever so gently, pushing back my hair, wiping the tears. Then the cool cloth was back but the hand felt closer than usual. Anna had sat by my bedside normally, but now it seemed she was right beside me on the bed. I felt was warmth of the body beside me and when I inhaled a shaky puff of breath it was not her expensive perfume that enveloped my senses, but one that was nonetheless familiar. It was a struggle to open my eyes and when I finally managed to the room was barely lit making my groggy, heavily lidded eyes work even harder to make out the figure beside me. Even the meagre light offered by a few candles beside my bed was hard to adjust to. When my eyes cleared slightly, I felt a bizarre combination of what might have been utter relief and complete dejection. Relief that it wasn’t another nightmare or exhausting array of what I could no longer deny were memories but devastation that it was just another dream. Albeit a new one.

I let my eyes fall shut again, willing the heartache to subside.

“Nadia.” I felt the gentle touch of a hand sweeping over my cheek and when I opened my eyes again, he was still there, clearer this time as if I were slightly more awake. My eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“Is this a dream.” My throat was still dry and sore as it normally was when I’d wake, voice barely even remaining.

He didn’t sound like him either as he spoke again. “No.” His voice was thick, weighed down with an unclear emotion. His eyes glistened and he swallowed heavily. When I only blinked up at him, he took ahold of my hand, lifting it to press against his chest where his heartbeat steadily against my palm. I closed my eyes tightly, an overwhelming stinging sensation making itself apparent as a waterfall of tears formed so quickly, they were streaming down my face before I could even process that they were there to begin with. “Don’t cry, please, I can’t watch you cry anymore.”

Both his hands took ahold of my face, thumbs wiping the tears from my cheeks as he pressed his forehead to mine. I held onto his wrists for dear life, with all the strength I had left in my body. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye.”

He shook his head fervently. “It’s okay, it doesn’t matter, not now.” The tears continued to fall no matter how much I willed them away. “You were right, I would have tried to stop you from going.”

I only held onto him tighter. As if he might disappear if I let go, like he was the only thing anchoring me to reality, to consciousness. We were both silent for a long time before my mind began functioning somewhat akin to normal. “Wait… how did you find me?”

“Anna called.” He pulled back ever so slightly to look into my eyes. “She said you were progressing well, so Ross was allowing you to have a visitor.”

I still felt groggy, and words were not so easy to form yet I felt more alive in this moment that I had in some time. “But aren’t you supposed to be on assignment?”

Pietro’s eyebrows furrowed as he gazed down at me, eyes flitting across my face, confusion evident in his expression. Several beats of silence passed between us before he responded. “Nadia… it’s almost February. The assignment’s over.”

February.

I felt sick to my stomach as his words echoed over and over in my head.

That couldn’t be right. I’d left on Christmas day; I couldn’t have been in this cabin for over a month. Pietro moved to settle in beside me once more. “I guess I haven’t really been here to know.”

For a day there were no ballerina’s though the memories still jolted into focus occasionally. It occurred to me that the break was perhaps more for the sake of my sanity than my progress. Pietro lay by my side the entire day and when Anna took me to the small bathroom to help me bathe, as she had numerous times since arriving, he was waiting for me by the door.

I awoke sometime during the night or the early hours of the morning to hushed voices. Despite the low volume I could tell they were arguing.

“She is progressing.” Anna said matter-of-factly.

A scoff sounded from Pietro. “Progressing into what, madness?!”

“Do you really think I would let that happen?” There was silence between them for a moment, I knew Anna well enough to know she was attempting to gather herself. “That girl in there means the entire world to me, you find it hard to see her in this state? Try being here every day. Watching her writhe and cry and be so exhausted she can barely stand.”

“That is exactly the point! She shouldn’t have to go through that-”

Anna spoke up again, cutting him off. “No, she should not, Pietro. I wish she didn’t have to. However, she is never going to get better unless she can confront the things that are demanding to be remembered.”

“There is nothing wrong with her.”

It was Anna’s turn to scoff now. “I don’t think you really believe that, but the fact that you’re sticking with it is exactly the reason you weren’t allowed to come with her, why you weren’t given the clearance to know this location.”

I turned over in the bed, facing the opposite wall and closing my eyes tightly as they continued to bicker.

“Can we not argue about this right now?”

“I just don’t understand why you can’t take one day off!”

“Darling… You know how important this meeting is and how much pressure I’m under right now.” A few more words were exchanged but I couldn’t quite make them out. “You do know the line of work that I’m in. I can’t just take a day off when I feel like it.”

A beat passed before I heard the door open and close. The silence carried on for a while, I kept my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep.

That was when the humming started, soft, almost inaudible. When I opened my eyes again there was no Pietro, nor Anna at my bedside. Instead, there was a blonde woman whose face was turned away from me. Curls falling over her shoulder as she reached for something on the bedside table, a different room I realized. The walls were white but in a way that was neat, rather than sterile. There were things hanging, pictures that I couldn’t make out and, on the wall, just past the woman was a large canvas print, I narrowed my eyes to read it, but my efforts were fruitless, I could see blurs of flowers and pink but couldn’t make out any of it beyond that. A cool cloth was pressed to my head again. The humming grew louder, and the song seemed familiar though I couldn’t place it at first. The sound of a door opening and the clicking of dress shoes against hardwood flooring joined the symphony, pulling my attention away from the woman. I noticed his brown hair and eyebrows, but I couldn’t quite make out his face, not until he sat on the side of my bed, gazing at me with an uncanny warmth. His mustache made him a recognizable figure in my mind. He took ahold of something that lay beside my legs atop the duvet, holding it with two hands and sizing it up for a long moment.

“Here’s your arty bear, chickadee.” He spoke softly, wiggling the stuffed teddy bear beneath my arm. He leaned over me slightly, adjusting the duvet to tuck me in a little tighter.

I opened my mouth to speak but before I had the chance I was sent tumbling though my mind once more. The crashing that came before the door was thrown open, the music playing from the record player and then I was back in the metal seat with Giselle playing on the screen before me.

I’d lost track of how long I had been sitting here for, forced to stare at the television; it might have been days.

“What is your name?”

I stayed silent. The question was repeated and when I didn’t answer that time a sharp electric shock travelled through me making me flinch hard despite my attempts to appear unaffected. “You tell me.” I ground out over my pain; hands clenched into fists as best I could around the restraints.

“Up the shock level.” The man spoke.

“Are you sure?” A new voice, one I’d yet to hear. “She’s only small, I’m not sure she can handle much more.”

I looked around frantically, searching for a way out, anything that could help me. “Up the shock level and do not question me again.”

“Yes, Dr.”

“Your name is Nadia Morozova. You were born in St. Petersburg, Russia on the 7th of November. You are an orphan; you never knew your parents.” I shook my head. “Repeat it.”

“No.” An excruciating pain travelled through every inch of my body. I screamed at the pain only grew as the moments passed. When it subsided, I was short of breath and shaking violently. The man in the glasses told me to repeat it once more. “No.” I echoed my earlier sentiment, bracing for the pain that rushed through me shortly after.

There was silence for a long few moments but my head was so fuzzy from the jolts I hardly noticed. The strap around my forehead was the only thing keeping me upright. “It ends whenever you want it to, Nadia.”

“That’s not my name.” The pain was so intense then that I barely had time to register what I’d just said.

I lurched upward, a high-pitched cry falling from my lips, my entire body seizing in agony. The restraints were gone I realized though they’d been replaced with the warm weight of someone’s embrace. When I opened my eyes, Pietro was clinging tightly to me, eyes shut tightly, cheeks damp with tears. I was shaking so hard I felt dizzy. The more conscious I became the less the pain felt real but when it passed the exhaustion set in once more and I collapsed back against the bed.

I attempted to wipe the tears from Pietro’s eyes but the energy to lift my arm was hard to find. “It’s okay. Don’t cry, please…”

Pietro finally opened his eyes, gazing at me with a profound sadness that made it all so much worse. He shook his head. “How am I supposed to leave you like this?”

I took a deep breath, attempting to steady my shaky limbs and clear my mind enough to find a response. “You will go, with the knowledge that soon I’ll be better, and I will be back to taunting you in no time.” I attempted to force a smile onto my lips to reassure him, though even I was unconvinced by my words. Pressing my cheek against his chest I clung to his shirt, finding comfort in the warmth, the familiarity. For a long while we just laid there, the only sound my ragged breathing.

“Did you know what you were saying, when you wrote me that letter?” I furrowed my eyebrows as much as I could in my exhaustion, eyes still shut. “Inima mea îți aparține.” He murmured.

I shook my head. He cradled my head as it fell against his chest, stroking the hair back in a comforting gesture that did little to stop the impending grasp of sleep. Just before I drifted off, when I lay in a state somewhere between consciousness and slumber, he spoke again, though, I could not say for certain whether the words were really his or just another dream.

“My heart belongs to you.”

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