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thekitschdiet · 3 years ago

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the kitsch diet part II

part one alr posted!! this chunk is about 3,000~ words long... let me know what u think :-) thank u all for all the luv already!!! looks like I really will hit 31 followers by easter!!!!!!!!

Who is the Kitsch Girl?

I think this is more loosely defined, but The Chic Diet did a truly admirable way of reducing a girl to her YSL bag and her really skinny legs. Now, that implies an archetype, or a population in a specific location. I think kitschness is kind of the niche you fill when you’re not really much of anything else, sort of your own conglomerate of mainstream-specific. One major requirement, though, is being a little too into something somewhat uncool. And the whole illusion falls apart if you have any sort of outward insecurity. See, the Kitsch Girl is somewhat undefinable because she is so much of everything. She exists in multitudes, in a way that is also quite simple to understand; think of a list of axioms, or principles to live by. And now add a section to each one that says “but…” to make a collection of verified exceptions. Say, the kitsch girl will never wear jeans. But she thrifted this pair of vintage flares she just loves. She doesn’t reply to texts efficiently, but sometimes she will within a couple seconds. No mascara, no dinner forks, candles are to be collected not burned; but that was a gift, or something. It’s not personal, of course, those are just the contradictions she exists in. Don’t try to understand it, the enigma is essential to the facade. Or maybe she just lives like this, and her character is so homogenous with her inner world there’s no sense in trying to separate it. You have to have a little bit of an individuality complex about the whole ordeal, which is normally so eugh, but if you’re kitschy enough it works on you. Trust!The Kitsch girl is not someone unlikeable, but amiable and well heeled. I double checked that last one, assuming it meant liked by most, but apparently means affluent. I suppose that is an aspect of the kitsch girl too, having seemingly endless frivolous expenses with no real strain, but that’s not important right now. People that don’t like her think so out of jealousy, or something. Envious that her clothes are all kind of shake-it-up-esque and her highlights desperately need touching up, but she still seems so enthralled with the whole of life… How does she enjoy her own company so much when other people want to know her better? Doesn’t she feel weird about blowing people off to make a joke about reading Kafka in the bath? Why would she document her cluttered, unexciting life on Instagram so delicately, so vibrantly? Of course, no one would say this to her face because they are really baseless claims. She’s nice, generous, and valuable to have as a friend. Trade-offs exist, as they do with anyone. But I like thinking it’s easier to overlook a forgotten birthday when your kitschy best friend gave you a multi strand pearl necklace to celebrate the welcome breeze of June. Or some other made-up holiday. She is so unassuming if you’re not really looking. Girls want in on her inner circle. Or they just don’t care. Nothing wrong with being liked or thought of naught, for the most part. Boys are either enthralled or repulsed by her. Her doctor knows her as something of a hypochondriac, but only minorly. It’s just carpal tunnel, don’t worry… The sales staff at CVS turn a blind eye when she slips an eyeliner pencil into her tote bag. She shoplifts on occasion, just to see if she still knows how. But she is not a shoplifter. $9 here and $6.45 there doesn’t really add up to much. Everywhere she goes, she makes a tertiary friend or two. The term of friend is loosely used here, of course. But it is nice to tell a stranger you like her earrings. Or her phone case is so fun, is it Wildflower? The kitsch girl has an eye for this kind of detail. Simply put, she is sort of unspectacular. But in a way that makes you sort of wish you knew her better.

Phone cases

The phone case is, like, religious for the kitsch girl. Sorry, but there’s just no other accessory as flippant and expensive and single-purpose as a trendy little iPhone case with some semitacky stickers plastered over the design. I used to have an iPhone XS- extrasmall- with like, 18 phone cases. It was kind of a sordid affair. I jest, but really… owning that many phone cases was kind of sick. We get it, you are frivolous and spontaneous and sooo stylish! Stop posting mirror selfies on your Instagram story, your crush isn’t going to see it. Kidding again. Having an extensive collection of phone cases is just so fun because while attainable, most people just simply do not partake in it. That makes you kitschy and unique. I really thought I had more to say about the IDEA of the phone case, but I guess in practice it is all very, very simple. You can slide your driver’s license in the back of a clear case. At what point does it stop being cool to have legal operational control of a vehicle? I don’t display mine because I don’t really like the photo. I look round. In the eyes but also just in general, swollen, unglamorous. Whatever. Not like I drive a Nissan or anything. I drive my *Mom’s* Nissan. Playing Bladee in the car seems sacrilegious. She would hate it.Back to phone cases. Sonix ones are cute but kind of overpriced retail- unless you have like, an iPhone 12 Pro Max or whatever the fuck is new this year, just go to Winner’s. They always have Xs and 11 cases. I had a cherry one for my previous phone, like the exact one Lana Del Rey had? Thank god I sold it before she got outed as a copfucker or whatever. Casetify is for an inadvertent flex. Flexing your lame, lame taste. Sorry, I know you bought it because you liked it, but what you failed to consider is just how un-Kitsch they are. SO common, and they advertise on Instagram. Sorry, I just can’t get into it! Kind of how I just never liked the Brandy Amara tanks. Or lowtop converse. Otterbox is just distressing. Like, if my boyfriend gave me an otterbox phone case I would probably break up with him because somebody clearly isn’t paying attention- one of my favorite, potentially overused joke is how Otterbox cases are the equivalent of orthopedic insoles. Sorry but if you have poor arch support or whatever, but no pain is worth giving up a good pair of Margiela slingback tabi heels. Obviously I couldn’t afford that right now because all loose income goes directly to Wildflower and my cig boy. But like, one day. I hope you want to punch me in the face a little bit after reading that. If Wildflower isn’t your thing, at least have the decency to get a beaded phone strap. But not from String Ting. Pray tell you aren’t keeping score, but they are one of my several parasocial enemies. That should have been ME collaborating with Wildflower! Should have been ME mailing shit to Caroline Calloway (more on her later, but she is the only blue check I follow. I adore her! I was on her patreon for a bit I thinkl!!) …. Side note. Phone cases are cute but there is no way to properly protect your laptop without looking just absurd or colossally lame. The foam sleeves… ick.

Having the shittiest music taste ever

So like, here’s the thing. I’m an Apple Music user, which sort of reinstates my status as an unironic My Bloody Valentine Hyperpop Death Grips kinda gal. Read; volcel. My most recent conquest ended up being a huge L on my part, but also… I totally dodged a bullet. The guy had an iPhone 11 (female trait) and didn’t know who Rei Brown was, which just seemed suspicious given his Niche. I just know he had a “making out playlist” comprising entirely of like, Joji. Which isn’t a bad thing I guess but so unembarrassing it horseshoes back to being humiliating.Like I said. Having the worst music taste. It’s nice how subjective and deeply personal your music taste can be; no one really Needs to know you’re a die hard drainer. But there’s also no point in being a die-hard drainer and Not capitalizing off it somehow. I added it up and I have well over 150 hours of just Bladee and Yung Lean. Which is so yass? The more I write, using myself as a case study, I realize just how desperately jobless I am. And Yogenfruz isn’t even hiring! UGH!I think there is something very kitschy about liking hyperpop in the least ironic, least obnoxious way. Sort of feeds into a “I’m not like other girls” thing, but I mean… That’s kind of the idea of kitsch, isn’t it? Be a little different but also the very same as your lipgloss brethren?!Side note. If you make monthly playlists I am genuinely kind of afraid of you. That is just so organized!! I just make playlists with esoteric titles and then make a new one when I’m sick of the stuff on the last. I have exhausted most genres but I think my favorite is the “I’m wearing f****ng air forces and my teeth are SO white”. Guess what genre it is. Or don’t, but it’s probably what you think is. Okay, moving on….

Curating a scent

I like thinking I smell like mango and peach, Glossier you, whatever citrus is in that Lush shower jelly and mint 5Gum. But of course it is probably less distinct and just kind of generally fruit-floral-mint. Anyway. I think Glossier You is the perfect scent for anyone with a rather elementary understanding of the whole.. Perfume business. Every bottle of intentional fragrance I own was made via aesthetic choices… it really helps that Glossier You is so cute And so universal. Now, Glossier is kind of interesting to me because it really is at the intersection of cheugy and kitsch. Kind of basic, overplayed, unspectacular. But also…. Often popular things are popular because they are good. Glossier has excellent customer suurv, they ship SO fast (and no import duties! W!) and their stuff is just so sweet and nice if not unoriginal, in kind of the same way strawberry ice cream is. Which is still my favorite, of course, especially if there’s a vegan option. I was talking about Glossier. What the hell! It’s really worth trying out. A huge principle of kitsch is just… having as many possible layers and appendages to your composure as possible. And adding a signature scent just really completes that! When curating your own, I say this as a complete amateur, know-nothing; make it something that comes kind of naturally to Your Character. Like, I’m just not a Chanel No 5 kind of girl. Odds are you aren’t either. My bottle (before she asked for it back when I told her I didn’t use it, in exchange for a Nordstrom’s gift card) was from my grandmother. Ummm.. Yeah, I really have no expertise in curating a scent. But it is nice to have a signature. And having a bottle displayed on your dresser next to your aughties McDonald milkshake themed beanie baby and a handful of lip products is just way too fun! This is the kind of girl I am, everyone! Cluttered, but prioritizing pretty-delicate things!

Cheugyism

Cheugy is a relatively new word that has unfortunately wormed into my vocabulary to replace “uncouth”. Which I use to mean graceless or tacky, but if that isn’t what it means…. Don’t tell me. That would hurt more than weighing myself after a “feast” slash pastry binge at my dear Grandmothe’s house. Like I was saying. Cheugy. It’s sort of a fucked up concept to me because it is a critique on consumption, but not the pace or volume or magnitude of it. But rather… the idea of not being “good” enough at engaging in microtrends, or involvement in the fast paced fashion cycle. Don’t get me started on TikTok, or do, but… yeah,. No. That will require a cigarette because I’m so sorry, but writing a thinkpiece on social media is so lowbrow I would need to find about six ways to aesthetically counteract it…. Moving on. I think the idea of cheugy is good, we really do need a word to simply and efficiently define “out of date/uninspired/lame”. But the way it is used to shame others for not liking the same trends or whatever is kind of gross. If you use cheugyism to put other people down and not as a neutral identifier umm… you will become what you fear. Sorry, that’s what happens. Some things that I think are cheugy or embarrassing, or just not part of my stylistic lexicon are… 1. Hooded or zip up clothing, or things with a large graphic on the back. Bingo if it's all three! I just can’t get behind it. Side note, my summer home outfit is brandy sweats and a tube top (Urban Outfitters tank I ripped the straps off) and a large cardigan that should have belonged to a stoner, but probably didn’t. I can dunk on bulky, uninspired clothes because I would honest to God NEVER be caught DEAD out of the house wearing any of it. I’m so serious. Next segment should be about the kitsch girl’s inadvertent affinity for diuretics. Remind me….. One of the ports of my laptop is dead. Not really sure what to do about that.

Eye makeup and what it means to me….

Personally, I am one of those people who never wears foundation and kind of has a complex about it. The kitsch girl wears fluffy eyelashes and owns a plethora of sparkly eyeliner. Or maybe she doesn’t, but she has something distinct and a little ritzy, if not haphazard. We all saw Euphoria and it like, totally imprinted on us. The way glitter sits on your face after a long day is so resplendent. When it’s shining and a little bit melted off from your long, semi-productive day… ugh! Just made for film. Pictures on film. But not the Prequel app. I keep getting fucking ads for it. But it’s so embarrassing. Like, isn’t the whole point of film the authenticity of the moment? The texture of the afternoon? Why would you fabricate that? Prequel is just so cheugy. More on that later. But anyhow. Wearing a ton of eye makeup kind of fits with the idea of film too I think. Like, look at you, in the moment. With your strip lash falling off! It’s all so tres-chic. Plus, for whatever reason, it’s kind of unique or notably dedicated to ~Pull up to the function~ with more eye makeup on than everyone else. Sorry, but it really doesn’t take that long! But yes I will gracefully accept your praise… it’s kind of like the dropshipping of complements if you think about it. Easy to source with little to no effort in the curating. Side note, lashes are like $20 for 40 weeks if you cut them in half and use each pair about 5 times. You could probably do more but I lose track. How the fuck is it almost June? I was trudging through the snow to check the mail for my Online Ceramics shirt just last week, I swear. The trick to cutting your lashes (the way I do it anyway) is pretty simple. Get out two lashes that are symmetrical. Find the middle and cut one slightly to the left and one slightly to the right. This means you have two sets (one set is a little more dramatic than the other but at least they are symmetrical) with longer outer edges. Glue this to the outer corner of your eye and you will look so Composed… obsessed with how this layers with three eyeliner tails (one traditional one pointing up and one pointing down directly below it, sort of like the tail light on a 2019 Lexus UX) and one below your eye, like a clown. Fun, irrelevant fact, is the first time I added this third tail to my eye makeup, my dad had just gotten home from the hospital because he was sure he had like appendicitis or something and it was actually.. Not that. Typical indie hypochondriac. He made me bring him cottage cheese on a plate with a teaspoon that evening. I put black pepper on it for flair, which he hated. Walking up and down stairs with a plate of cottage cheese is much more imprinting than most of the multiplication tables. Don’t forget to use a bright shimmer eyeshadow in your inner corner. It really opens up your eyes. I recommend Too Faced. One time I got a little bit too high and tried to film an “editorial” makeup tutorial. You will never, ever, ever see that video. But I essentially covered my whole eyelid in the ABH shadow “palermo” and smudged out the edges with a tan Tartelette Toasted shade, coupled with my long-expired Milk Makeup holographic stick. Lopsided lashes and near-blinding eyeliner experience aside, it was kind of cool. My point is, you really cannot go wrong with an arsenal of shimmers, taupey mattes and a good eyeliner pen.

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captainsolare · 4 years ago

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Concert

Fluffvember Day 7: Concert - Leopold Vermillion (f! reader)

Summary: You're a classical violinist and tonight is your big debut at the Castle Town concert hall. Your long-time friend Leopold is in the audience, and he begins to see you in a whole new light after watching you achieve your biggest dream

Word Count: 1,825

A/N: I’m probably a little biased because I am a classical violinist, but this was by far my favorite one to write so far this month! I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. The Max Bruch Violin Concerto no. 1 partly inspired this so if you would like to, listen to the first movement.

masterlist

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You stood in the atrium of the concert hall, patrons, mostly upper crust and royalty, milling about and drinking before the event began. "Ugh Y/N, I don't know how you can stand going to these events. Everything is so stuffy, even the clothing." Your friend Leopold complained, pulling the collar of his dress shirt away from his neck. You rolled your eyes, at him lightly punching him in the arm, "Going to these events, is kind of my job you know. Plus, orchestra music isn't stuffy, you're just lame and have no taste."

Leo was about to object but before he could do so a bell was rung and you had to dash off. "Sorry! That's my cue to go change, I'll see you after the concert okay?" You said apologetically, planting a chaste goodbye kiss on his cheek before disappearing into the crowd. The kiss was meant as a friendly gesture, nothing more, the two of you had grown up quite close after all, but nonetheless Leo was left standing there dumbstruck, hand lightly touching the place your lips had been a moment before.

He gathered himself and entered the concert hall, heading for the Vermillion family box; he was a little nervous he had to admit, he was the sole Vermillion sibling here tonight and so a lot of eyes were on him. Fuegoleon was away on an important business matter and who knows where Mereoleona was, she usually couldn't be bothered to come to events like this, they were far too constricting for her wild nature.

Even though Leo found these events stuffy, like most of his royal duties, he came tonight without much complaint because tonight would be the first time he would get to see you perform a concerto with an orchestra as large as this one. You had picked up the violin at an early age, and had been traveling the country playing at concert halls all over, but tonight would be your big debut on the Castle Town stage and Leo was excited. Not because he particularly enjoyed orchestral music like this, but because it was something you enjoyed. Growing up, he had always admired the way your eyes sparkled as you talked about your dreams of someday playing on this stage, and here you were achieving the dream you had worked so hard for.

The first piece was a long drawn out number that had him nearly falling asleep, Mimosa, his cousin, had to elbow him several times to keep him from snoring. He supposed he should have felt a bit sheepish, but you weren't onstage so he couldn't bring himself to care all that much. During intermission Mimosa turned to him excitedly, "Y/N is on next, isn't that so exciting?" He nodded, "Yeah! This is her big dream!"

Intermission seemed to be over in a flash, the lights dimming and he waited with bated breath as the spotlight lit up the space you'd walk through shortly. When you appeared Leo felt his breath hitch, you were in a stunning turquoise dress, sparkling in the light that illuminated the stage. "Wow." Mimosa whispered, awestruck. He could only nod in agreement, the dress suited you perfectly, the perfect battle armor to conquer the stage tonight.

When you'd told him about this concert a few weeks ago, it had taken everything in him not to launch himself across the table and wrap you up in a bear hug. Well, almost everything, despite him trying not to, he did it anyway, leaving you both grinning ear to ear and laughing with excitement.

The audience clapped and you shook hands with the conductor and the concertmaster then took up your post near the front of the stage. Leo remembered you mentioning that you were nervous about playing from memory, so he silently cheered you on, hoping you could hear him in your heart.

As the timpani began playing, your eyes searched the audience, your hands were sweaty and your heart was pounding, you couldn't see the audience very well because of the spotlights but you knew there was a familiar head of red hair out in the crowd and that gave you comfort. The flutes and woodwinds came in next and you prepared to come in with your cadenza.

From the second your first note reached his ears, to the second your last chord echoed through the hall Leo simply found himself unable to take his eyes off of you. Your notes were spellbinding, taking his breath away and telling a story with just sound, it was a language unlike any he had heard before. He had always admired you, your strength of character, your sense of humor, your honesty, brutal at times but that's definitely when he needed to hear it the most; but tonight, something tugged at his heartstrings and was rooting in his brain, and suddenly he saw you in a whole new light.

When the concerto ended you were a panting mess, any trace of nervousness had evaporated as you reached the end, a beaming smile appeared on your face as you bowed, the roar of applause filling your ears. From somewhere in the crowd you heard a distinct whistle and you had to contain your laughter, that was definitely Leo. I guess he liked it then? That's fantastic! You probably wouldn't admit this to anyone, but when you got up on this stage tonight you didn't care about all the opinions of the various noble folk and royalty that had attended, if you were being honest the most important, and perhaps the only opinion that mattered to you was Leopold's.

You made your way to the atrium because you had to accept your congratulations from the audience members in person, it was simply good practice. Several people congratulated you, others noted that you played well even though you were not royalty, you took each comment with grace and a smile, praying that you'd be able to go home soon and celebrate as you wished to; perhaps with a long soak in the bath to ease your aching muscles.

Leo and Mimosa appeared in the atrium, eyes scanning the room for a sign of you; Mimosa couldn't help but be amused by the way you both perked up as you caught sight of one another. Ahh, young love. She mused, then giggled to herself, who am I kidding? I'm young too.

Leo made a beeline for you as soon as your current conversation ended and grabbed your hands with excitement. "Oh Y/N, that was so amazing, I could just kiss you right now!" He said, practically buzzing with energy. You deadpanned and he was about to pull away, but rather than pulling away as well you said, "Kiss me then." It was almost a challenge, and Leo backed down from it, suddenly hyper-aware of all the people watching you; he lost his nerve and decided to change the subject.

"Do you--- do you need someone to come with you? To help carry your things?" He asked, nervous about even this small interaction for some reason. Mentally he kicked himself, usually, conversation was so easy with you, but now he was just a bumbling mess. Your face fell into a smile, "That would be lovely Leo." You led the way to the green room and greeted the other performers, thanking them for a job well done. As you packed your things, Leo couldn't help but notice the slight frown that twisted your features. "Are you alright?" he asked quietly. When you nodded he dropped the subject, opting instead to carry your things as he had promised.

The atrium was empty when you emerged from the green room, and you found yourself in awkward silence with Leo. Secretly, you were disappointed that he hadn't taken you up on your challenge earlier and you didn't know how to feel about it. Do I really have feelings for him? Leo's thoughts seemed to be on the same track as yours as you exited the building into the night air.

"Did you mean it?" "Mean what?" You asked, turning to face him; in an attempt to not misconstrue things you weren't going to answer unless he asked you exactly what was on his mind. A blush graced Leo's features and his heart was pounding in his head, "Did you actually want me to kiss you back there?"

You tilted your head, trying to sort through your emotions so you could give him a straight answer. "I think so. I'm not really sure, I just, I said that without thinking and I'm not sure of what exactly I'm feeling right now." Leo gulped, trying to gather up the courage for his next question, "Do you… do you still want me to?"

Your heart pounded in your chest as you nodded, eyes not leaving your friend for a second as he carefully set your things on the ground next to him. He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and awkwardly grabbed your arms as he leaned in, the kiss was short and sweet, but it left you with an unsatisfied feeling and solidified in your mind that you did, in fact, want to kiss him. In fact, you wanted to kiss his stupid face again and again.

Leo looked away awkwardly, wanting to kiss you again but not sure how to ask. Luckily he didn't have to, as you grabbed his shirt and pulled him in closer to you. "Do you want me to?" You asked breathlessly, you were so close you could feel each other's breaths on your lips. When he nodded you didn't hesitate, slamming your lips into his.

Mimosa appeared from out of the concert hall, a mixture of wanting to roll her eyes and cheer seeping into her expression. "Took you guys long enough." She said, hands on her hips and looking away; she was happy for you both but the last thing she wanted to watch was your makeout session.

The two of you jumped and pulled apart quickly at her sudden interjection. "What do you mean, took us long enough?" You asked, a little sheepish at the implication that she had known your feelings long before you had. "Don't worry about it. Want to go get some ice cream or something to go celebrate your big night?" You and Leo exchanged a glance, "Absolutely!" Mimosa led the way to the nearby ice cream shop, you and Leo trailing a little ways behind.

"Was tonight exactly how you dreamed it would be?" He asked as you walked hand in hand. You shook your head and smiled at him, glancing at your intertwined hands, "Nope, it was even better."

"Hurry up or I'll eat without you!" Mimosa yelled, interrupting your moment for a second time that night. You both chuckled and sped up to meet her at the door, filled with the feeling of a new chapter beginning.

#Fluffvember 2020 #f!reader #leopold vermillion fluff #leopold x reader #aurora borealis #planet fluffvember

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vantaestummy · 5 years ago

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Beers, and Bleachers, and Kisses

SYNOPSIS: Music major Min Yoongi has always had the hugest crush on popular jock Kim Taehyung, but when out of no where, Taehyung asks him out on a date to the homecoming game, Yoongi goes a little above and beyond to, you know, impress him. Cue drunken antics like kissing and lots of barfing.

A/N: inspired by a true story that a friend told me. the gif has nothing to do with the story, just loved all of yoongi’s looks in the comeback teaser and have watched it like a thousand times now.

TW/// emeto and drinking way too much alcohol

THE STORY

Yoongi has had his eyes set on Taehyung for quite some time now.

Taehyung, the star child, infamous athlete, the boy carrying the school’s legacy on his back. Yoongi can’t help but to be enamored by the boy because out of all the assholes at this school that are prideful with their heads in their own ass, he’s the only one that actually has the right to be an asshole.

Don’t get Yoongi wrong, no one should be an asshole, but at least Taehyung has the looks and the talent to back it up. But Taehyung is actually the complete and total opposite. Yes, he hangs with some of the jocks like Park Seojoon, Park Hyungsik, Jeon Jeongguk, Kim Seokjin, and Park Jimin, but Taehyung has this air about him that emanates hope and love.

Here’s the other thing:

He’s really fucking smart. Truly. He’s the only dweeb of the athlete crowd that constantly gets straight A’s. And that’s not all.

One day, Yoongi was off to class, books and assignments in hand when one day, he gets the wind knocked out of him, his papers flying in a whirlwind, his glasses now askew.

“Watch where the fuck you’re going dude.” A gruff voice says, and suddenly, Yoongi feels so small, like his entire world has shattered and he feels nauseous with embarrassment. He doesn’t want to look at who pushed him because he knows he’ll be stricken with fear and he really doesn’t need to come to terms with the audience that has surrounded him and his perpetrator.

“Hey, back off, he didn’t do anything wrong.” That deep, velvet clad voice says. Yoongi’s heartbeat quickens, the feeling pulsating throughout his entire body.

Kim Taehyung stands there, hair flowing in the non existent wind like the hero in a k drama, having come to his aid in the midst of a dire situation. Yoongi couldn’t help it then, the way his heart overflowed with the utmost love and respect.

Yoongi had it bad.

And so you could imagine how Yoongi felt when Taehyung had asked him out to the homecoming game. The athlete had the audacity to look all nervous and shy, his head ducked and his cheeks glazed with pink. It was far too much for Yoongi to handle and let him tell it, he still thinks it’s a prank.

But Yoongi was over the moon, and he did NOT take almost three hours to pick out his outfit... promise. With his sandy blonde curls, cherry glazed lips and eyelids smeared delicately with a bit of gold, Yoongi was so ready to blow Taehyung away.

Taehyung was waiting for him at the entryway to the stadium, like he had promised, tickets in hand and a boxy smile on his face. When he notices that Yoongi is approaching, his face drops, his eyes widen. His jaw goes slack and it looks like the entire universe has made a home in his eyes. Yoongi can’t help but to blush.

“Woah... hyung you look... woah.”

Yoongi giggles, not used to such attention and definitely not used to it coming from someone so fucking beautiful and kind. That was the most important part for Yoongi. That Taehyung was kind.

“Uhh... you should close your mouth before... you know, flies?” Yoongi tries to play it cool but, he clearly can’t even do that right when his use of lingo just fades away into the night. But Taehyung must find it cute, (Yoongi hopes he does) as he just throws his head back with a laugh and hands Yoongi over his ticket.

“Here, the others are waiting for us.”

Yoongi raises a brow. Others? He had hoped that it was just the two of them but, Yoongi can’t be picky. Never in a million years did he think someone like Taehyung would be into someone like him. So he’ll take this one in stride.

They walk side by side up the steps and into the bleachers, finding spots next to all of Taehyung’s jock friends. This game was for the junior varsity team and Taehyung and his friends belonged to the major team? The other division? Yoongi didn’t really give a shit. He just knows that this was the team lower in rank and that it was a home game. Either way, he was with Taehyung, and that’s kind of all that matters.

Beside them are Jimin and Jungkook who, can’t seem to get their hands off of one another. Next to them, are Seokjin, Namjoon and Hoseok, people that Yoongi has seen around before but, has never really interacted with until now.

“Guys, this is Yoongi hyung, Yoongi hyung, meet Jimin, Jungkook, Joon-hyung, Hoseok-hyung, and Jin-hyung. Jimin, Jungkook and Hyung are on the same team with me. Namjoon-hyung and Hoseok-hyung are just our friends.”

“Wow, thanks for making it sound like we don’t do shit.” Namjoon teases. Yoongi smiles, offering them a kind nod and sighing with content in his seat. It isn’t long before Taehyung ducks his hands into his bag, pulling out two cans of beer and handing one to Yoongi stealthily.

“Want one? No one really says anything unless you make it a big deal. Plus, you’re older than me right? So you must be over twenty one.”

Yoongi’s nose crinkles as he finds this endearing, that Taehyung has thought about this so carefully. Granted, Yoongi doesn’t really drink but, if he says no, he risks looking lame as fuck and that is the last thing he wants to do right now. Especially when things are going so well.

“Sure, hand me another one while you’re at it. Beer doesn’t do shit for me.” Yoongi lies, easy. Taehyung’s brows raise, his smile widening, clearly impressed. He hands Yoongi the two cans like he asked and the older boy throws them back as if it’s no sweat off his back. Taehyung can’t help but to give him the side eye, his lips quirked are the corners as he bites his lip, very intrigued by how badass Yoongi is.

But unbeknownst to him, Yoongi had made the biggest mistake.

Halfway into the game, Yoongi had already had four beers, and not only was his vision hazy, but he could barely hear anything, all of the sounds of the world blurring together and invading his eardrums with a fuzzy sound. Along with the dissipation of his senses, comes a newfound courage that he did not ask for.

“Y’know Taehyung? I was real’ surprised when you asked me out, y’know? Because you’re just so fuckin’ gorgeous and I’m... not...” Yoongi giggles sadly, truly meaning what he says even though he’s drunk out of his mind.

But Taehyung seems to take offense to his words, quickly snatching up the other boy’s hand and holding it tight.

“I have no idea what the hell youre talking about hyung. You are so... beautiful, and believe it or not... but I’ve been wanting to ask you out for some time now?”

There it is again, Taehyung’s nerves as clear as day. Yoongi, so drunk that the world is spinning around him, can’t help but to find it so adorable that he just giggles, and giggles, and giggles. His fingers curl by his mouth in the most adorable fashion and his eyes crinkle as he laughs. Taehyung’s gaze softens, and with the new look, comes his tan cheeks turning a sweet shade of pink.

“You’re too... you’re too nice Tae...” Yoongi murmurs, clearly stricken by the others words as his heart swells in his chest. He leans in, intertwining both of their hands now and allowing their noses to brush. “You should kiss me now... I’ve been wanting you to kiss me for a long time.”

Taehyung gasps at Yoongi’s bluntness but, nonetheless, has been waiting for this moment just as well. Taehyung leans inward, tilting his head so that their lips can slot perfectly together. Yoongi takes no time to hesitate as his lips move with the kiss, deepening it and allowing Taehyung’s tongue to mingle with his own. It’s hard not to laugh into the kiss because it’s so much more perfect than he could have ever imagined. And yes, Taehyung tastes like cheap beer and pocket mints, but he also tastes sweet and full of bright, hopeful dreams. The others pay them no mind as the two make out shamelessly in the bleachers of a college football game (talk about cliches) and Yoongi wouldn’t have it any other way.

The game is over when everyone in the bleachers retires for the night. Taehyung’s friends send him playful winks and teasing kissy faces as they depart, and Yoongi can’t help but to blush as he’s left alone with the jock he’s dreamed about.

But that’s not the only reason why his cheeks are flushed.

Yoongi feels sick, like, really sick. The world is still spinning but it isn’t as fun anymore, and an overwhelming sensation of nausea floods his entire body, making him hot all over as his lids droop and his mouth fills with saliva.

Taehyung kisses his cheek, still not aware of what’s happening.

“Do you want to... come to my dorm for a bit? We can watch movies or something? I also have food in the fridge that I can cook for us to last us the night. All the dining halls are closed so—”

“Taehyung?”

The jock in question closes his mouth, his brows furrowing as he intakes Yoongi’s pale and shaky state. “Hyung? Baby, are you okay?”

Yoongi can’t even swoon over the pet name as his stomach gurgles in protest.

“I-I... I think m’ gonna be sick...” Yoongi mumbles as his cheeks puff out against a sickly burp. He presses his fist to his mouth, his eyes squeezing shut as he tries so desperately not to puke in front of his crush??? Boyfriend??? It’s too early to tell but, if Yoongi vomits, this might be the end of it all.

“Ahhh.... shit.” Taehyung jumps to his feet, scanning the bleachers for something that Yoongi can be sick in. Thankfully, he swipes up a plastic bag that had been discarded holding who knows what.

He opens the bag beneath Yoongi’s chin, saliva already dangling from his lip as the crinkling of plastic resonates through the cold fall air. The wind does nothing to soothe Yoongi’s burning hot skin.

“Tae... m’ stomach...” Yoongi groans, the nausea followed by a dull ache that only makes him sicker. Taehyung pouts with sympathy.

“Just... get it up baby... you’ll feel better soon.”

Yoongi doesn’t hear the last of Taehyung’s words as his shoulders roll with a guttural burp, a thick wave of vomit clattering into the bag and nearly filling it up halfway. Yoongi heaves, more chunky puke nearly the same color as the beer he drank creating a small pool into the bag and weighing it down. Taehyung barely manages to keep it together.

He grabs at Yoongi’s other hand for help in holding the back, and with one hand now free, he brushes back Yoongi’s soft, light brown fringe, hissing through his teeth as Yoongi’s stomach clenches visibly beneath his jacket. More puke spurts from Yoongi’s lips, the bag overflowing with his vomit and soaking Taehyung’s fingers. The jock bites back a grimace as his eyes scan the bleachers in a panic for another makeshift puke bucket. He ends up finding nothing and resorts to dumping the bag to the grass below, opting for a wet but empty piece of plastic.

“Let it out baby, everything’s gonna be okay.”

Meanwhile, Yoongi is living through his worst nightmare.

Not only is his stomach a hot mess, but he’s not so drunk that he doesn’t realize what’s happening. After this, Taehyung will no longer want to speak to him again, let alone see him in class.

How disgusting can he be?

“T-Tae... I’m... I’m-blech.”

Yoongi gurgles out a few mouthfuls of vomit, his stomach convulsing as he continues to puke up nothing but bile and saliva. Taehyung rubs calm, soothing circles in his back as his spine curves from the force of his puking, his eyes wet and overflowing with unshed tears.

“Don’t speak hyung, just get it all out first.”

Yoongi whines, a few tears falling as he coughs wetly into the bag that isn’t nearly as full as it was before. Yoongi gags helplessly as nothing more comes up, but his head continues to hang low, unable to face Taehyung at the moment.

But once Taehyung realizes that Yoongi must be done he ties up the bag and wipes his sticky hands on his jeans, reaching into his bag for a few towelletes that his mother had given him before he left off to school. The package hasn’t even been opened, as Taehyung never thought he would have to use them, until now.

“Here hyung, you can wipe your mouth with... hyung, baby why are you crying?”

Yoongi sniffles, more tears escaping him as he descends further and further into the realms of never ending embarrassment. Yoongi is so ashamed that he doesn’t even think he can speak right now, let alone think of something useful to say.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry... I’m so gross and I just wanted to impress you and make you think that I drink all the time when really I’ve only had wine and never enough to actually make myself drunk and I was so surprised when you asked me out that I thought it might be a joke and now I’m really hoping it was because I know you probably hate me now and I’m just... I’m so sorry Taehyung...”

Taehyung’s jaw has dropped, his face etched with incredible disbelief.

“A... a joke? Hyung, I wasn’t joking when I asked you out. I did it because I actually like you and... I’m sad that you thought you had to go as far as to get really drunk to impress me but... I think I’m flattered?” Taehyung says cautiously with a small smile. It’s sweet, and endearing, and even though Yoongi’s stomach still hurts, it kind of makes him giggle too.

“I get it if you don’t want to see me again... I mean, who would? I got puke on your shoes.”

Taehyung looks down at his sneakers to see, yeah, a tiny splash of vomit on the tip of his converse. But he honestly doesn’t really give a shit. To him, he’s spending time with the coolest, cutest, most talented kid in school. There’s no other place he’d rather be.

“You know hyung, I was there, at the recital. You were so amazing. Every time I saw you around campus I got so intimidated, it also doesn’t help that you’re so cute. I’m really happy that you said yes.” Taehyung says earnestly as he uses his sleeve to wipe away at Yoongi’s tears, since his hands are still kind of gross.

Yoongi sniffles, looking up with wide eyes, shocked, his cheeks reddening as Taehyung takes care of him so effortlessly.

“You... you saw me?”

Taehyung nods with the brightest, boxy smile on his face. “Yeah! I love the music showcases because everyone in them is so good but you? You took my breath away. I never thought I would get the courage to ask you but... my friends kinda bribed me to do it. I wanted you to hear it from me instead of them being assholes and telling you how much I was crushing on you.”

Yoongi chuckles, breathless. His cheeks are flushed and his skin has somewhat returned to its usual color, even if he is still super dizzy.

Taehyung had known who he was? Before they even met?

Yoongi experiences a chill then, his hands wrap around his torso as he shivers. Taehyung quickly discards of his jacket before pulling it around Yoongi, his cheeks still a faint pink.

“Let me walk you to my dorm. It’s cold and dark out, and I also have some really good remedies for bad hangovers.” Taehyung offers softly, his voice tinged with hope that Yoongi will say yes. He does in fact, say yes, and when Yoongi feels even better, he borrows one of Taehyung’s jerseys and they cuddle on the couch, warm and so much happier than before. And if Taehyung’s teammates clown him once they see Yoongi leaving his room at the crack of dawn the next day, he doesn’t say anything about it. Frankly, he doesn’t care. He’s kind of in love, and nothing can change that.

Even if their first official date was filled with puke.

But thankfully, they go on many more dates to make up for that one, and when Taehyung asks Yoongi to be his boyfriend, Yoongi of course says yes. And when people ask how they met, Yoongi groans, and Taehyung just laughs, because they both know that whoever asked, is in for a long story.

A/N: sorry for disappearing. i can’t promise that i’m back officially, but i hope this makes up for some of that time!

#sick!yoongi #sick!suga #sick!taegi #bts sick #yoongi sick #sickfic #sick fic #bts emeto #tw emeto #emetophilia #emeto #caretaker!taehyung #my fic

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holy-mountaineering · 5 years ago

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This spread is for @caerwys

Thanks for the donation!

Tonight you’re getting the full Qabalistic Tree of Life Spread that I do and here you are. What I’m going to do is go through and briefly explain each card, its position on the Tree, and then I’ll give you a summary/synopsis of the spread as a whole.

Think of this spread as a sort of quantum map, or even the land of a regular map, everything is happening at once, in each place. It’s important to think of yourself as moving “through” the map but you are also simultaneously everywhere at once. For the sake of this specific experiment, think of this as a map.

Where we’re starting the journey from is Kether, the monad, the first sign of creation. We’ll call this your hometown, since it is where you’re from originally. Here we have the 3 of Swords, Sorrow.

This is the first shape the suit of Air takes in 2 dimensions and it can be a bit disappointing. Your structure and order (Saturn) needs balancing (Libra) to be blunt. You must let go of your ideas of how things were going to be because now they are the way they are. Just because what you have isn’t what you thought you wanted doesn’t mean it’s not good.

Try to get your mind around what you’ve learned and and how to form it into a useful basis to move on from. Do not continue to focus on how you thought it “should be”, nothing is ever as pure or awesome as we idealize it. Sorting out your mind means actualizing some of the things you’ve been thinking about instead of not doing it because it isn’t perfect in the way we thought it would be.

In Chokmah, which is like your freeway getting you out onto the road out of your hometown is VIII Adjustment, Lamed, Libra.

These are the scales of balance in the higher order of things in your life. The scales are naturally balanced, but it is when we add things onto either side of the scale that it becomes tricky. To return to balance you have to remove things or add on things. Such is a balanced life.

The person who is the beam which the scales are balanced on is not blind justice, she wears a mask, not a blindfold. She carries the Sword of the Magus, which is to say she uses her reasoning powers to cut away imbalance.

You are the crux, balance your mind in higher regards. Add things or take away according to the balance it creates.

In Binah, which is ruled by Saturn and for the sake of this reading we will call the first stop on your roadtrip. You haven’t really arrived anywhere but you’re stopping and getting a chance to repack your car in a more efficient way. Sitting in Binah is XX The Aeon, Shin, Fire.

Think about where you are now and how you go about doing things in general. Do you remember a time before this point in your life when you acted differently and didn’t have this kind of understanding of the world? The Aeon is a new understanding and thus a new way of acting in your life.

Harpocrates giving the sign of silence has to do with the meditative process of accepting this new law of life. You must truly grasp the meaning of this change in order to act in the new “spirit of the age” if you will.

You are being born anew through fire and blood, you are emerging from the egg in the background and coming forth. What you take away from this will be with you forever but one day will also be improved on and brought to a new level.

In Chesed which is ruled by Jupiter and again for the sake of this experiment we’ll say involves your influence and benevolence in your current trip is the 4 of Wands, Completion (of an action or a task).

This is the boost you get when you finish squaring (4=square) up the way things are going to be done. This is the fiery growth spurt of spring (Aries) affecting the love, beauty, and green growth of Venus. The trump cards The Emperor and the Empress are Aries and Venus, respectively. You have the “lower” conception of this union encapsulated in this card. This is finishing an important action so you can move on to the next goal.

I’d say that you square up with what you’re doing, finish the task at hand, and that’ll boost you forward into your new cycle of action.

Across the Tree in Geburah, which is Mars Town, where you find your drive and what you’re trying to accomplish/conquer is the Princess of Cups, the earthy part of Water.

We could consider this the substance in water or water hitting substance head on. This is the idea of the canyon wall being ground down over the millennia by moving water. The nutrients and minerals in the earth are transported down river to the fertile delta. This is the natural, “following your feelings” within your daily life. Try not to fool yourself, follow your intuition, not just passing whims. Feel, don’t necessarily react immediately.

Go with what you feel and intuit, let yourself go with the flow, if you will. Allow your situation to move with your emotions and be patient with your progress.

In Tiphareth, the Sun and center of gravity holding all this in place, the heart pumping the blood through this, your heart is the 10 of Wands, Oppression.

This is the peak of action, hella stuff going down and it’s goddamn back breaking. This is trying to herd kittens. The actions that you’re taking in your life or thing things you’re doing are becoming overwhelming. The structure and order of Saturn is trying to pin down the fiery moving arrow of Sagittarius. There is a lot on your plate and the plate is heavy.

So, shit is hard and frustrating and well, oppressive, but 10s are the peak, the end! Prepare for the come down.

Down in Netzach Venus town where you have the realization about how this is going to change you as a person with a personality 7 of Swords, Futility.

This is the main thrust of the Will through the mind being thwarted by in helpful organization of ideas. Each sword with a planetary sigil are like the spikes in a parking garage, one way. It isn’t that the ideas or aspects represented by these swords are “bad” just that their placement and yours are not lined up in the best way right now.

Mentally and communication wise pull back from what you’re going at and work on how your organizing the information in your head.

In Mercury Town Hod-ville, where all the Universities are and everyone has real intellectual shit going on is the 3 of Wands, Virtue.

This is not a moralistic idea of Virtue, this is the idea of formulating a basic mode of action to build from. Virtue unto yourself and your Will, as in doing what you do because it’s what you do. Astrologically, this is Sol in Aries or springtime. This is the energy of the Sun close to Earth creating new growth from the stagnate winter. You can also read a message of centering on new growth in your life.

Create a basic plan like a farmer might for spring. You’re no sharecropper, this is your land so plant the fields only according to your Will.

On the Moon in Yesod, the receptive and reflective place that is alot about the feelings that you’re picking up from all this is the 10 of Disks, Wealth.

This card is intelligence (Mercury) in fertile possibility (Virgo). This is the peak material situation, a good situation, a situation you really want to be in.

Be swift and mindful of your material task at hand and your everyday experience, it is nearing its end and you stand to profit.

Put your smarts and your communication skills in the most fertile possibilities and cash in before things start to come down from this peak opportune time.

Down here in Malkuth-istan, the everyday life mundane, waking up pooping, and going to work world is, my close friend and I hope your’s too, ATU XV The Devil OR The Lord of the Gates of Matter, Ayin, Capricorn.

The Goat-Fish who is half in the mountains and half in the deeps of the oceans, high places and the deep. This guy gets a REALLY bad rap that is very unwarranted. All The Devil is trying to do is Incarnate or materialize by Higher methods.

The card is a giant cock with faceless little white people in the balls looking like they want out, again, possibility trying to take hold and become a physical thing. The Devil IS a trickster (“you little devil” and assorted shit sayings like that) so that worries some people. Those people are squares and probably have bad taste in music.

Manifest your potential and figure it out when it’s “real” and not just a passing thought or whim.

SO, get over how you thought things were going to work out, focus on balancing yourself and get ready because you’re about to enter a new phase of your life. Good news is all your current woes will seem like petty bullshit compared to how you’ll see everything when this all wraps up. Speaking of that..

Finish up projects, tie up loose ends, but do this with finesse. Things want to finish themselves up and your life being a constant pain in the ass is sorting itself out right now. You’ve actually reached the peak of Mount Fuckery, you just finish what you can on the summit and slide on down to sanity.

You feel like your growth is stunted because you’re approaching it like it is some hostile thing to master. You being you, best you can is all you can do and you can do that by staying true to you and figuring out what that means for you right now. You don’t need to come up with some complicated ass life plan right now, you need to create a simple-ass formula that you can follow and get the best results. You can aid that by surrounding yourself with people, information, and anything else that’s going to focus you on putting your efforts where the best results lie. Again, this doesn’t mean you’re figuring everything out right now, it means your focusing on what will produce results you want.

And down here in the everyday, it’s time to make it happen, captain. Take those ideas and all that ethereal shit that’s been right out of reach and bring it on down to ya. Making your desires manifest is as easy as just saying “Yes” when the time is right and not fearing what you want.

Ta Da!

Hit me up with any questions! Take care!

#tarot #divination #cartomancy #magick #occult #tarot card spreads #altar

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schraubd · 6 years ago

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On Alice Walker versus LeBron James

Alice Walker, the renowned African-American author of The Color Purple, has come in for sharp criticism once it became widely known that she was an inveterate antisemite. Her sins on this respect were blatant, and despite her celebrated stature in the Black community few defended her (even as she tried to pull a Full Livingstone and assert that her ravings about the Talmud teaching Jews that they can rape babies is actually "criticism of Israel").

Indeed, by and large I've been pleased by the caliber of commentary on Walker -- from Roxane Gay's early contribution that she's taken to at least noting Walker's antisemitism any time she talks about her, to Nylah Burton's longer meditation in NY Mag on how Walker's antisemitism intersects with her own personal history. The consensus view seems to be that while much of Walker's work is important and remains important, she is pretty clearly an unrepentant antisemite and that needs to be acknowledged. It is, sadly, part of her legacy, and not one that anyone should defend.

Meanwhile, LeBron James quoted some rap lyrics that referred to "getting that Jewish money." Upon being informed that this was considered by Jews to be an antisemitic trope, he immediately apologized, and for the most part Jews moved on.

"Apologies, for sure, if I offended anyone. That's not why I chose to share that lyric. I always [post lyrics]. That's what I do. I ride in my car, I listen to great music, and that was the byproduct of it. So, I actually thought it was a compliment, and obviously it wasn't through the lens of a lot of people. My apologies. It definitely was not the intent, obviously, to hurt anybody."

This, too, struck me as how it should be. I'm not saying that this apology would have earned a perfect 10 in my Rate That Apology series, but given the scale of the wrong, it was fine. James made a mistake, he apologized for the mistake, and we accepted the apology (hell, even the rapper who wrote the lyrics apologized too!). His wrong was nowhere near as bad as Walker's (nor does he have Walker's history as a repeat offender on this score), and he didn't defensively double down when people raised concerns. So on my end: no muss, no fuss.

Here, though, there were some writers who seemed very angry that Jews weren't dragging James harder. Dov Hikind -- a (hardly) Democratic New York Assemblyman -- was irate that liberal Jews weren't "slamming" James over the event (given that Hikind has worn blackface to a party and has past links to a extremist Jewish terrorist organization, to say he lives in a glass house here is an insult to the durability of glass).

Or take Nolan Finley in the Detroit News:

James quickly apologized, saying he didn't understand the historical context of the slur, or even that it was offensive.

The NBA and James' Los Angeles Lakers accepted that lame excuse, and now want to move on. No mandatory sensitivity training for James, no scrutiny of pro basketball for evidence of a broader problem. Starbucks should cry foul.

If Starbucks only sin was repeating and then immediately apologizing for repeating offensive musical lyrics, maybe they'd have reason to cry foul. But I digress. Finley links James to a supposed explosion of antisemitism in the American Black community, starting with Alice Walker. But I think it's actually quite notable how differently the two have been treated -- a difference that reflects extremely well on the Black community and American liberals. Walker's antisemitism was extreme, conscious, and repeated. James' was inadvertent, mundane, and idiosyncratic. James apologized immediately. Walker has shown no remorse. And so while James has basically been forgiven, Walker has been justifiably excoriated. That's how it should be. And it's all the more striking given that -- with all due respect to King James -- Alice Walker is a far more impactful figure on the Black civil rights movement. At least among the intellectual/political class, it's a far bigger deal to call out Alice Walker than LeBron James. And yet -- proportionately was preserved. The serious offender got serious censure. The more minor misstep was dealt with more gently. It's things like these that give me this strange feeling of hope. Yes, Alice Walker's statements about Jews are monstrously antisemitic. But despite her celebrated status she really isn't being defended, and her attempt to deflect by citing her Good Progressive bona fides and righteous loathing of Israel didn't bear significant fruit. Yes, it's a troublesome that many people don't know why Jews squirm when folks talk about us holding all the money. But it's good when their first response, upon seeing us squirm, is to apologize -- not to lecture us about how we're just too sensitive and should understand it's a compliment and don't we know we really are all rich-os anyway? And yes, there are terrible columns being written by defenders of the Women's March suggesting that putative Jewish concern about antisemitism is actually a Putin con job. But the authors of those columns are -- remarkably enough -- apparently responsive to Jewish anger at the commentary. These conversations are happening, and they -- slowly, fitfully -- are bearing fruit. Meanwhile, I don't know who Nolan Finley is (and I do know that Dov Hikind is basically a troll). But people of their ilk seem -- for my taste -- far too excited at the prospect of Black antisemitism. They just love the opportunity to drag on Black people and to feel righteous while doing so. It can't even all be traced back to cynical opportunism against political opponents: LeBron James isn't a particularly political figure, and yet nonetheless there is a clear thrill in getting to call him out, and an equally clear frustration that other Jews are not by and large joining in. This feeling of thrill, this excessive focus on antisemitism when it emanates from Blacks, is a form of racism -- one that is identical in form to the feeling of thrill over and excessive focus on Jewish or Israeli misdeeds serving as a form of antisemitism. We should recognize it for what it is, because we have quite intimate knowledge of it. And that shouldn't be viewed as an apologia for anyone's antisemitism. But it is a problem when people try to treat LeBron James as a persona non grata in a world where Jim Hagedorn is elected to Congress, when Hagedorn's wrongs are both objectively more severe and completely unapologized for. We all know why this occurs. As I've written before: people of color can be antisemitic, but they're also more vulnerable to disproportionate, overwrought, hyperbolic or excessively unforgiving attacks on the subject of antisemitism because of racism. The same, in reverse, is true of Jews. It doesn't mean anyone gets a pass, but it is something those of us who write on these subjects have to be mindful of. I think that the comparative treatment of Alice Walker versus LeBron James -- that (most) people have recognized just how ugly Walker's words were, and (most) people have recognized that James' sin was comparatively minor and not worth a huge stink over -- is a good example of how to do this right. And if we can keep that trend up -- that would make for a nice 2019, wouldn't it? via The Debate Link http://bit.ly/2AnTyvA

#Alice Walker #anti-semitism #Black #racism

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missymariee · 6 years ago

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Costume Party - Noah Centineo

A/N: this was requested by the lovely @irishfangirlxx as part of my Fall Blurb Week! hope you like it girl x.

The large LA mansion was packed full of drunken young adults. It was a real who’s who of the entertainment industry. From actors to musician, models and social media stars. Literally everyone you followed on Instagram was at this party.

Luckily for you, your friend had gotten casted in a new show that became quite popular almost overnight. You’d met a few of her cast members back when you’d visit her on set and most of them were here. Including the very sweet and talented Lana Condor, who already felt like a close friend. It hadn’t taken long for you and your friend to spot Lana amongst the groups of people.

“Hey girls! Are you having fun?” she greets you both with a quick hug and a large smile.

“We just got here, but it’s definitely the biggest party I’ve ever been too” you didn’t know anyone in your hometown who lived in such a big house so tonight was for sure a new experience.

Lana tugs your friends arm to grab her attention. “You have to come meet some of the cast from Riverdale! They’re really fun”

“Sure! Wanna come Y/N?” your friend asks turning to face you.

“No thanks, I’ll think I’ll go get a drink” as much as you did want to meet them, you still felt a bit out of place and needing something to calm you down.

“Okay, the kitchen is that way” Lana turns and points to the left. “We’ll be by the pool, come meet us after” she chirps and you nod. The girls walk away from you so you start to make your way to the kitchen, trying not to hit anyone with the fake wings strapped to your back. Since it was a costume party, you and your friend had dressed up as fairies. You wore a tulle skirt, fairy wings and had glitter all over your eyes & lips.

You got to the kitchen and spotted the large bowl of what you assumed what spiked fruit punch. It was a deep red and had fake eyes in the bowl making it look slightly gross. You grab the ladle and pour the bloody looking liquid into your plastic cup. You take a large sip of the drink and shudder as the strong taste of vodka hits your tongue.

“That looks awful” you look up and see a cute guy wearing a Spider-Man costume, minus the mask. He was looking at the punch bowl with his lips curled in disgust.

“Doesn’t taste that great either”

“It’s not tequila, is it?”

“Nope, vodka” the boy sighs with relief and reaches over to grab a cup.

“Had a bad experience with tequila?”

“Who hasn’t”

You chuckle and nod. “So true” you then take a second to really look at him and realize that his charming smile and messy curls were familiar. It hits you that the cute boy who was now slowly sipping his drink in front of you was Noah Centineo. Ever since the movie with him and Lana came out back in August you’ve had a huge crush on him. Of course, you never told Lana that, not wanting her to tell him. You had this weird thing of running away from the guys you liked, never wanting them to know you liked them. It wasn’t the best thing to do but you were working on it.

You nervously take another long sip of the fruit punch and hope that the tipsy feeling would hit you soon. Noah places his cup down next to yours and clears his throat.

“So, a fairy huh?”

“Yeah,” you feel your body heat up as he takes a longer look at your costume. “It was easy to put together and turns out I really like putting glitter all over my face.”

Noah lets out a laugh and you giggle along with him. “Well it looks great.”

“Thanks” you look into his eyes for a second before glancing away, feeling like your heart would jump out of your chest if you stared for too long. He truly was a lot hotter in person, if that was even possible.

“And you’re Spider-Man”

“You know it” He grins and sticks out his hand to do Spidey’s web-hand thing. “I’ve got some competition though” he cocks his head to the right where you see another guy in a spidey costume.

“Oh definitely.

“So, what are you up to?”

“Well currently I’m drinking a very strong fruit punch with Spider-Man in the nicest house I’ve ever been in.” you smirk and he chuckles.

“I meant, why are you alone in the kitchen” he takes a step closer to hear you over the loud music.

You sigh and move a stray piece of hair away from your face. “My friends went to go meet the Riverdale cast and I wanted a drink, so here I am. Plus if I’m being honest, this place is so crowded and I wanted some space”

“I get that. Parties like these can be overwhelming at times”

“Yeah, especially since I don’t know anyone. My friend is the actress, I’m just a lame college student.” You shrug sadly and he frowns.

“Being a college student isn’t lame. You’re learning important stuff.”

“I guess so, I just wish I knew what I wanted to do with my degree. Life after school seems a bit daunting” you look back up at him. “You’re lucky you get to do what you love.”

Noah sighs and leans back against the counter, looking effortlessly cool. “I know. It was a lot of work though. Finally being able to get some roles that I connect with.”

“Of course. I bet things got a lot better after To All The Boys”

He cocks his head slightly. “So you know who I am”

“Well…you’re all talented and cute and stuff…um…I mean…yeah” you mumble feeling flustered. Noah chuckles and runs his free hand through his hair.

“Mhhm, so you think I’m cute AND talented?”

You groan and hide your face with your hands, feeling embarrassment crawl up your skin. “This is so embarrassing”

“Woah, woah, whoa. No, it’s not” he gently removes your hands from your face and you timidly look up into his eyes. “I think it’s cute. I think you’re cute, fairy girl”

“Oh thanks” you grin at his compliment before realizing that you hadn’t told him your name yet. “I’m Y/N by the way” you stick your hand out for him to grab.

He shakes your hand. “Nice to meet you, I’m Noah.” He grabs his plastic cup and takes a quick look behind him. “Do you want to bring our gross drinks outside? There’s a cool gazebo in the backyard, we could sit and talk if you want” he offers sweetly.

“Yeah, I’d like that” you reply with a wide smile.

Masterlist | Fall Blurb Week Prompt List

Requests are currently open

(Tag list is still open)

Noah Centineo tag list = @mavue @therealmrshale @tomsobrien @goldenariana @jcc04220 @coccoc66 @you-makemethisway @fandomlife31 @caitsymichelle13 @mysticalstarartemis @void-centineo @linheliano @justjustyncase @luna_xxxxx @starlunacloud @mywhimsicalsecretwonderland @clummycal @livexlovexlaughxdreamxx @xxxstormyninixxx @hannahll14 @matokii95 @aunicornmademedoit @laurarestrepooo @fandomscompilation @iheartgrayson @ara @thatdamselinsolace @stephaniestyles14 @levidunlop @dragoste-lunes @complete-randomness-2 @yourwonderbelle @irishfangirlxx

#noah centineo #noah centineo imagine #noah centineo blurb #noah imagine #noah centineo x reader #peter kavinsky imagine #peter kavinsky #fall blurb week

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angelbabyuris · 7 years ago

Text

Candles (Stenbrough)

Stenbrough x 16 Candles - 2117 words

(With a slight side of Reddie)

Eighteen is an important age, the age you finally get a taste of freedom. Today meant Stan was no longer a child but, finally, an adult.

After his Bar Mitzvah, birthdays didn’t mean too much but today was different. He wore jeans instead of his typical khaki’s and slicked back his hair.

Stan’s parents frantically run around preparing for the arrival of a ‘family friend.’

“Good morning” he says with a bright smile.

“Good morning, Stan” his mother says, not even bothering to look up at him.

“Don’t you have something to say?” he says.

“I don’t think so, should I?” she says looking up at stan, “oh right, have a nice day, sweetie.”

Stan just smiles at her and ignores it, maybe they’re just messing with him. He slings his backpack over his shoulder and begins his walk to school. Beverly walks up and loops her arm through his, “hey, Stanny.”

“Hey Bev” he says offering her a warm smile.

“Happy birthday” she says pinching his cheeks. Stan just laughs and shakes his head. They walk into school and he’s taken aback.

The one and only Bill Denbrough is leaning up against his locker, in a sexy James Dean kinda way, Stan’s knees threaten to give out.

“Keep it in your pants,” Bev giggles, his blushing face makes her laugh harder. His face gets even hotter when he notices Bill looking right at him.

He quickly looks down, grabbing Bev’s hand, and speeds down the hall.

“Hey, hot stuff.”

Stan rolls his eyes so hard he’s surprised they don’t fall right out of his head, “what do you want, Richie?”

He takes this as an invitation to sit down.

“I was wondering if you had a date to tonight’s dance” he says with his typical dorkish smile,

Stan resists the urge to roll his eyes again.

“Goodbye, Richard” Beverly says pushing his face away with the palm of her hand before pulling Stan outside, “day going any better?”

“No, if this day goes by any slower I will step into traffic” Stan says sighing.

“Lighten up, it’s your birthday” she says pinching his cheeks again.

“So? It’s not like anybody actually remembered” he says crossing his arms over his chest.

“Come on, you’re their only son, there’s no way they forgot” she says shoving him. He just shrugs and adjusts his back pack, “call me later and tell me how things went.”

Bev jogs off into the direction of her house as Stan sighs again.

“Y-ya know Stan U-Uris” Bill says putting on his baseball cap.

“The jewish kid?” Mike says absentmindedly. Bill nods, “I’ve heard of him.”

“What do y-you think of him?” he asks, trying to be casual as possible.

“Uh, he’s nice? I don’t really talk to him, why do you ask?” he says walking through the locker room doors.

“I think I-I like him” he says shrugging it off.

“You could have anyone you want and you chose him? No offence but he doesn’t seem like your type. And besides, how do you know he likes boy, it’s against his religion” he says as Bill frowns.

“T-thanks, man.”

“I’m just saying, Big Bill.”

“Mom, I’m home” Stan yells slamming the door behind him. A boy about 5’3, dark hair, stands awkwardly in the living room.

“Stan, this is Edward, the family friend” his mom says. Stan smiles politely and shakes Edward’s hand.

“Eddie” he corrects, inconspicuously wiping his hand on his pants.

Stan just shakes his head and turns his attention back to his mom, “do you have anything you’d like to mention now?”

Andrea sighs and places her hands on her hips, “Stan, is there something I should know?”

“No, I guess not” he says before jogging up to his room. He belly flops down on his bed and quickly punches Bev’s number into his landline.

“Beverly Marsh.”

“They forgot my birthday.”

“No way.”

“Yeah, and there’s this weird guy staying at my house” Stan says rolling onto his back.

“A weird guy?” Bev asks picking at her nails.

“A guy named Eddie, some friend of the family” he says running his fingers through his slicked back curls.

“Is he cute?” Stan debates hanging up the phone, “hello?”

“This day could not get any worse” he says closing his eyes.

“If it makes you feel any better, Stanny, Bill was sneaking looks at you today” Bev says wiggling her eyebrows. Despite not being able to see her, he knows exactly what she’s doing. “And he was looking pretty hot in his varsity jacket.”

Stan smiles at the thought, “maybe he’ll be at the dance tonight.”

“And maybe he’ll be in the mood to get all touchy-feely with a certain curly-haired hunk.”

“Beverly!”

“Wear something sexy and I’ll meet you at 8.”

Stan sets down the phone and goes back downstairs, “hey Stan, your father and I are going out tonight, you’ll be on your own for dinner.”

“Okay, I’ll be at the school dance tonight anyway,” before she can add anything, he quickly says, “With Bev.”

“Beverly Marsh? Oh, I like her, she’s a sweet girl” Andrea says flipping through the pages in her book. She lightly gasps and closes her book, “why don’t you take Eddie with you!”

“This school is bigger than I thought it’d be,” Eddie says looking around. “Probably a lot dirtier too.”

Stan rolls his eyes as Eddie slips away, inspecting the halls. Bev runs up and grabs Stan’s arm, “guess who’s here!”

Stan doesn’t even have time to answer before she drags him into the gymnasium, blaring loud, but censored, music.

“There’s Ben” she squeals before running off. Stan just shakes his head before walking over to the punch bowl.

“What are the chances this is spiked?” He asks himself.

“It’s highschool, have some fun, Staniel” Richie says casually slinging his arm around Stan’s shoulder. He quickly squirms away from him.

He decides against the punch, not wanting to take the risk and also wanting to get away from Richie, but he follows like a lost puppy.

Stan sits down next to a giggling Bev and a blushing Ben. Richie joins in with Bev’s laughing, earning him a dirty look from her, “why don’t you piss off, Toaster.”

“Uh, it’s actually Tozier, little lady” he says in the worst british accent Stan’s ever heard. Bev’s dirty look turns mean and he takes a step back, “I guess I’ll see ya guys later.”

Bev cracks up laughing when he leaves. “Oh, Stanny” she says seductively, pointing across the gym. He almosts flips when he sees Bill. He’s dressed in a button up that makes Stan wanna drool.

But Bill’s dancing with some freshman and seemingly having a good time, so Stan turns his attention back to Ben.

“Big Bill” Mike calls trying to make his way through the crowd, “Bill.”

He’s oblivious to him over the loud music, “William Denbrough!”

His head snaps in Mike’s direction, offering him a smile before walking over to him, he follows Mike away from the group of overly excited freshman.

“Hey man” he says casually.

“Not to ruin your fun, but Stan the man is standing right over there,” he says ushering to the bleachers, “If only there was someone to go and keep him company.”

“Mike, y-you are the man” he says.

“I know, lover boy.”

Bill takes a deep breath, fixes his shirt, and heads Stan’s way.

“This dance is lame,” Bev says playing with Ben’s hair. Ben is absolutely smitten. “Let’s bounce.”

They make their way out of the gym and Bev offers a small get together at her place but Stan is quick to decline, “as much as I’d love to watch you two make out, I gotta go find Eddie and go home.”

“Fine, good luck, loser” she says kissing his cheek and leading Ben outside.

“Now where did that boy go.”

Bill quickly turns around and walks back to, “he’s l-leaving, what d-do I do?”

“Follow him but don’t be creepy” Mike says.

“G-got it” Bill says jogging after Stan. What seems like a million people stop him to talk, by the time he makes it out to the hallway, Stan’s gone.

Bill groans, running his fingers through his hair and kicking the wall. He glumly walks back into the gym.

“That boy is hopeless” Mike says rolling his eyes.

“Eddie” Stan yells, walking down the empty hallway. Stan is starting to lose patience, “Edward!”

He hears a loud crash coming from a room down the hall, he jogs down and opens the door.

He can’t tell if he should be relieved or grossed out.

Eddie is on top of a desk, making out with the one and only Richie Tozier, and not the regular making out; shirtless, panting kind of making out.

They both look at him horrified.

“I’m going home, I guess I’ll just meet you there then?” he says, quickly shutting the door and speeding away from the room.

“I can’t believe he’s been here for a few hours and he already has someone to make out with, I’ve been here my whole life and most people don’t even know my name!”

“You should try calling him.”

“Nah, I’m trying not to be a c-creep, like you said.”

“I’m sorry, Big Bill.”

“It’s all good,” he says shrugging it off, “b-but I think I’m gonna go h-home.”

“Okay, catchya later, Bill” Mike says waving him off.

Bill gives him a slight wave before walking out. He gets in his car and sighs, “I hope G-georgie has better luck in l-love than I do.”

Stan didn’t estimate how cold it would get when the sun went down, so he spent his walk home shivering. His arms were covered in goosebumps and his teeth wouldn’t stop chattering for the life of him.

Despite being cold and exhausted, he almost jumped when he noticed Bill’s camaro. He felt embarrassed at the thought of being eighteen and not having a car.

He had to force himself not to smile when he heard Bill rolling down his car window.

“N-need a ride?”

Stan’s heart stops. Bill Denbrough is asking him to get into his car? He wants to say no and avoid being a bother but his numb fingers tell him otherwise.

“If it’s not a bother.”

“None at a-all, hop in.”

Bill mentally thanks Mike for forcing him to ‘be responsible’ and clean out his car.

Bill Denbrough was not the nervous type, he was cool and collected, but having Stan Uris sitting so close to him made him feel like throwing up, in a good way of course.

After explaining directions and such, Bill noticed Stan isn’t too talkative. Did he do something wrong?

“I-Is everything okay?” He asks nervously gripping the steering wheel.

“Yeah, I just don’t wanna go home yet,” Bill nods as Stan keeps a minute of silence between them, “my whole family forgot my birthday.”

He looks at Stan stunned, Stan wonders if he should regret saying anything, “they forgot your birthday?”

Stan nods.

Bill starts driving in a direction that is definitely not to Stan’s house. They pull up to a big house with an empty driveway. Bill’s house?

Bill leads stan into the kitchen, throwing his keys on the counter and making his way towards the fridge, “my mom made a cake for her office party this weekend but I guess I can make her another one.”

Stans too stunned to argue. He is standing in Bill Denbrough’s kitchen, being offered a piece of cake for his birthday that everyone forgot.

And how does Bill’s mom just happen to have a cake made?

When Bill looks away Stan pinches himself.

Bill unwraps the cake and sets in down on the counter before rummaging through a drawer, he pulls out an unopened pack of blue candles and a lighter.

Stan holds back a laugh as he positions and lights them. Stan’s even more surprised when he starts singing, “happy birthday to you.”

Stan blushes as Bill’s eyes stay on him.

“Happy birthday dear Stanley, happy birthday to you!”

Bill eagerly looks at him, bouncing in his seat, “make a w-wish.”

“You’re here, it already did,” Stan whispers with a sheepish smile. Bill’s ears turn bright pink. Stan blows out the candles anyway.

“Can I kiss you?” His breath hitches in his throat.

Bill Denbrough wants to kiss him?

“Unless you’re not into b-boys, I know you’re j-j-j… religious, so you can forget that I…”

Stan gives him a soft smile before grabbing the collar of his shirt and pulling him closer. Stan steps back meekly but Bill is beaming, Stan can’t help but giggle, “happy birthday, Stan the man.”

#precious babies #stenbrough #stan uris #bill denbrough #reddie #Richie tozier #Eddie kaspbrak #beverly marsh #mike hanlon #ben hanscom #IT #16 candles

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notsoguiltykpop · 7 years ago

Text

I Taste Salt

Namjoon X Reader

Mermaid AU

Genre: Fluff

Anonymous said: “FISH OUT OF WATER NAMJOON VERSION?????????? PLSSSS??”

Lol okay so this probably isn’t what you had in mind, but I wanted it to be pretty different from Fish Out of Water. Inspired by the saying: “May the two of you be so close that when one cries, the other tastes salt.”

Uhhh don’t look at the tweets too closely they have some mistakes but I’m lazy and don’t want to fix them

You were too close to shore and you knew it. But the things humans dropped into the ocean were too strange to simply leave them there–and too fun, as well. Only last week you’d found what you were fairly sure Humans called a “hoodie”, and while it did you absolutely no good whatsoever, it was a pleasant green color and you were sure wearing it could start a trend. Once other mermaids had an interest in it, you could trade it for something more practical–like a bottle of alcohol, perhaps.

You hoped to find something equally as fascinating tonight, but nothing could have prepared you for the excitement of finding a phone half-buried in the sand. It was in a protective case, and when you pressed the “on” button experimentally, the screen lit instantly.

You grinned to yourself. This was perfect! There were many who collected human items that would kill to have something like this! You slipped it into the bag you brought along before continuing your search.

Later that night, after you’d given up your search and had collected a ridiculous number of bottle caps, you sat in a little cluster of rocks just barely off shore. You loved the spot–it was quiet, safe, warm, and close enough to the beach to listen to the parties going on not far off.

You wished you could be there in the sunlight, but the risk was far too great–small humans climbed all over these same rocks all day long, and you would undoubtedly be seen.

You were shaken from your thoughts by the bag at your side vibrating angrily and playing some tune far too loud. It took you only a moment however to remember that the human cellphone was in it, and you pulled it out to look at the screen. Someone by the name of Jungkook was calling.

You bit your lip. You shouldn’t answer, of course. But what other opportunity would you have to speak to a human without the risk of being found? Slowly, as though it might break at any moment, you touched the green button before holding the device up to your ear. You’d seen humans do this enough to have a fairly good idea of how this worked.

“…Hello?” You said, and there was a pause on the other side.

“Hello?” A voice replied, sounding completely confused. “Hey, Namjoon, someone really did pick up.” This was said to someone other than you, and you heard a slight scuffle.

“Hello?” This was someone else, you were sure. He sounded much happier, and his voice was deeper.

“Hi.” Was this how all humans greeted each other? With constant “hello’s” back and forth? If that was the case you might as well hang up. You were about to do so when the man began talking again.

“I forgot my phone on the beach earlier, I honestly didn’t think it would’ve been found before high tide.”

“It wasn’t,” you thought, “it was washed onto the ocean floor.” But you couldn’t tell him that. “Oh.” You said instead.

“Can I meet you somewhere to get it back?” He asked, though you suspected it wasn’t truly meant as a question. He fully expected to get his phone back at this point, you were sure.

“No.” You replied simply.

There was a pause, and the man who had originally picked up the phone laughed in the background. “No?” The second man repeated.

“No.” You confirmed.

“Why not?”

It was a fair question, you supposed. But not one you could answer truthfully. “I found it. It’s mine.” There was no way you could meet him to give his phone back–even if he was willing to wait at the waters edge.

“Wait a second–” He started, but you hung up before he could finish his sentence.

You stared at the screen for a moment before it began ringing once more.

“Okay, very funny.” He said when you answered, sounding far from amused. “But you wouldn’t have answered my phone if you weren’t going to return it.”

You laughed slightly at that. “Oh really?”

“Yeah. Really.” You then heard muffled voices arguing, but you couldn’t make out over what.

“Namjoon’ll give you fifty bucks if you return it.” It was the voice that originally answered the phone, who you guessed judging by the caller ID was Jungkook.

“Like hell I will–” Namjoon cut himself short. “Look. I’ve got personal, important stuff on that phone…”

“Stuff you should’ve backed up like a normal person.” Jungkook broke in.

“Stuff that’s irreplaceable. I’m begging you–I’ll even pay you the fifty dollars like Jungkook said! Just give me my phone back?” When you said nothing fora moment, he said a quiet; “Please?”

You felt bad, you really did. But there was nothing to do. “I’m sorry.” You muttered, looking down at your tail. You moved the phone away from your ear so you didn’t hear whatever he said next, but you didn’t miss the desperation in his voice before you hung up a final time.

Over the next two days, you learned a lot about the man whose phone you’d stolen–except you didn’t consider it stealing because it would have been lost to him whether you picked it up or not.

The first thing you learned was what he looked like. He didn’t have a lock on his phone, which amused you considering how vehement he was about how important it’s contents was. He took a lot of selfies, which was how you figured out who he was. He was making weird faces in most of them, and you suspected that no one besides himself was supposed to browse through them. Too bad for him, you were having rather a lot of fun scrolling through his pictures. He also took a lot of photos of food, which usually made you hungry.

Then you discovered Twitter, where he had quite a following. You giggled when you read his bio, which was so lame you physically cringed.

“DJ, songwriter, philosophy lover… Just your average guy with big dreams.”

His most recent tweet made your smile fade, however.

You didn’t steal it, he left it in the sand! You didn’t appreciate the allegation, and after a moment’s thought, you clicked the compose button.

Almost immediately, the phone lit up with notifications.

Moments after Jungkook’s reply, Namjoon began tweeting again. First, he insisted that it wasn’t him that’d tweeted the last post. Then he went on to tell Jungkook that it wasn’t funny.

You, however, thought it was hilarious.

You shook your head at the phone, a smile tugging at your lips.

You waited with bated breath until he replied, half expecting to get kicked off his account as he did the logical thing and changed his password.

You sat back on the rock you were perched on that was far enough away from shore that you were safe. He really was serious about getting his phone back; too bad that wasn’t even remotely an option.

The phone started ringing yet again, and you saw the now familiar name of Jungkook.

“I’m not giving it back.” You said rather than greet the person on the line.

“I’ll let you keep the phone.” Namjoon replied quickly. “You can have it. Just let me take my files off of it first.”

You snorted. Even if you were keeping it for that reason, there was no reason to believe that he would actually let you keep it after retrieving his files. More likely, he’d show up with the police, ready to press charges.

“That’s a big no.” You sighed. “I’m sorry about your phone--I know you don’t believe that, but it’s true. If I could give it back...” Your voice trailed off. You would return it, you were sure. “What is it you need off of this thing, anyway?”

“Everything!” He made a noise of frustration. “That phone--what’s on that phone--is my life.”

“I’ve got it, Namjoon.” Jungkook’s voice interrupted.

“I suppose you’ll have to live without your life, then.” You said, hanging up yet again.

You returned to your favorite place on the beach that night, basking in the full moon’s light. You’d figured out what it was Namjoon was so intent on retrieving--he’d saved all of his music onto the phone, an entire albums worth, as well as note after note full of lyrics. Some of them were better than others, but you’d be lying if you said he didn’t have talent.

But surely if he could write such things once, he could write them again.

You were just debating whether you should fix his twitter bio to something better when a voice startled you out of your thoughts.

“I found you!”

You turned to see a man ankle deep in the water about two feet behind you. You didn’t dare move. From his angle, it was unlikely that he would be able to see your tail, but if he took one step to the right...

After a moment, you saw that it was the man whose phone you held in your hand, Namjoon. He was taller than you’d pictured, and his hair more mussed, but there was no doubting who it was.

“...How...” You started, and he gave you a sideways smile.

“I had a friend track my phone--though it wasn’t super accurate, it showed you way out in the ocean. I’ve been wondering around on this beach for the last four hours hoping to run into you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You said instinctively.

“Yeah, you do. That,” He pointed over your shoulder at the phone that was still lit up on your hand. “Is my twitter page.”

You could feel panic starting to bubble up, and you did your best to push it back down. Everything would be fine.

“H-here.” You held the phone out to him, and he took it with a grateful smile.

“Thank you. Really. And I meant what I said about you keeping the phone--I’ll bring it back here tomorrow night once I get my files off of it, if that works for you.”

You shook your head. “No. I mean, I don’t want it.”

Namjoon tilted his head to the side in thought. “If you don’t want it, why wouldn’t you give it back?”

“Changed my mind. Now go away.” Namjoon had taken an unconscious step forward, but to your relief the bright moon was temporarily blocked by a cloud.

“Don’t be embarrassed...” He started, and you shook your head again. “If it wasn’t for you, my phone would be gone forever--and all of its files. So I should at least give you the fifty dollars, right?”

“Don’t worry about it, really.” You turned a little more to face him at the same time that the moon came out from behind the could.

You watched as though in slow motion as Namjoon’s jaw dropped, taking in your tail. “Oh... My god.”

“Don’t freak out--” You started, feeling as though you were frozen to the rock on which you sat. Without a word, Namjoon raised his phone as though in a trance. It wasn’t until the flash went off that you realized what he was doing.

For a second, the two of you just blinked at each other in astonishment, neither quite sure of what had just happened. Then you lunged at him.

You managed to knock him over into the shallow water as he let out a cry of fear. “Give. Me. The phone.” You growled, trying to wrestle it from his hand.

Namjoon just screamed, doing his best to scramble away from you. He had an advantage being able to crawl in the sand, as you had to half drag yourself towards him.

As a last-ditch effort, you grabbed a hold of his ankle when he stood. He screamed again as he yanked his foot free, leaving you with his boot in your hands.

“Delete that picture!!” You screamed after him. “Or I swear to god--”

But if was too late. He was running at full speed away from you, and you had no hope of chasing him.

A/N Lol I tried something new with this... I’ve seen people do fake texts, so I thought I’d try fake tweets! I think “I need to stop starting new things” is turning into my own personal motto. I’ve been toying with this idea since I got the request, which was like.... a really long time ago... I’m working on The Tenth Floor update, as well as an update for Royals! I’m hoping to update both before the end of Thanksgiving break. Also. I wrote this in like 20 minutes and did not proof read so if there are mistakes I’m sorry but not surprised. Let me know what you think! Do you like it? Would you like to read more? As always thank you so much for reading <3 <3 <3

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transcripted-podcasts · 5 years ago

Text

Monarchs & Malarkey - Episode 1

Medieval Monks Recommend You Do This One Thing to Keep Skin Young and Fresh

Come with us as we dive into what led to Edward the Confessor becoming a saint…

* * *

[Kazoo fanfare] Danielle: This podcast contains swearing, drinking, lame dad jokes, descriptions of gross body problems, and lots of history. Consider yourself warned. Mike: Medieval monks recommend you do this one thing to keep skin young and fresh. [Intro music]

Danielle: Welcome to Monarchs and Malarkey! The show where we take an alcohol-laden dive into the weird and quirky health histories – and deaths – of leaders throughout time. I’m your host, Danielle!

Mike: And I’m your co-host, Mike.

Danielle: And, it’s our first episode!

Mike: Whoo!

Danielle: Whoo! We’re here, we did it!

Mike: We did it.

Danielle: Well, maybe we did it. If we have listeners, we did it.

Mike: We listen.

Danielle: We listen. My mom will listen.

Mike: Your sister will listen.

Danielle: No, she won’t.

Mike: She’ll listen to one episode.

Danielle: Maybe. But, my friend Britta will listen. And my friend Alyssa will listen. And…my boss will listen. So, thank you, Leann, Alyssa, Britta, Mom! [laughs]

Mike: And everyone else.

Danielle: And everyone else. Since this is the first episode, shall we describe a bit about what we’re doing?

Mike: Yes.

Danielle: Do you want me to do that?

Mike: Yes.

Danielle: Okay. We love podcasts. We didn’t know we loved podcasts ’til we finally got roped into starting to listen to some last year. And, we got hooked! We don’t have a whole lot of time to listen to a whole bunch of millions of podcasts, but there were a few that really grabbed our attention and they mostly revolved around true crime, haunted happenings, and paranormal experiences. There are also some really good history podcasts out there. My dad loves those. But we couldn’t find one that delved into history and really weird deaths and really weird health problems, specifically about leaders around the world. I, being a history nut and a…is there such a thing as a Britiophile? Because I’m not an Anglophile, but I love Great Britain.

Mike: I don’t know.

Danielle: Whatever term that would be, I’m totally into that stuff. And I’ve got free time on my hands now that I’ve finally graduated, so we thought, hey, we could create our own podcast looking at the cool, weird stuff people don’t usually talk about on podcasts! Like, what happens after somebody dies?

Mike: Because there’s a lot that happens, apparently.

Danielle: Yeah, so like, with true crime podcasts, you’re looking at convictions and detective work and stuff like that. But people don’t really tell you about what happens when a monarch dies. Not just with government and future reign and stuff like that, but with the monarch.

Mike: And what happens to their bodies?

Danielle: What happens to their bodies? Why are the English so into digging bones up and losing them?

Mike: They lose a lot. Spoiler alert.

Danielle: That’s what we’re going to do! And, this is it! Let’s get started. In honor of the first podcast we ever listened to together, Wine and Crime, hi gals! We are going to do our own really shitty, cheap version of pairing alcoholic beverages with our episodes. Not necessarily because we think there’s anything unique about it, but because it gives us an excuse to drink while we’re recording!

Mike: It makes recording so much more interesting.

Danielle: It does! And, I mean, there’s certainly not just the Wine and Crime gals. We also super love And That’s Why We Drink! and Em and Christine have their milkshakes and their alcoholic beverages and stuff. So it’s definitely not something only a couple of people do. But, here’s the thing: we’re cheap.

Mike: Very cheap.

Danielle: Very cheap. And we have kinda crappy taste in alcohol. So tonight we are talking about somebody who was eventually made a saint and, in honor of that, we are drinking a wine called Saintsbury. This one was not too cheap, I mean it was like $8, which I guess is cheap to most people.

Mike: Kind of depends on your version of cheap.

Danielle: Yeah, for sure. But, we’re going to be drinking our Saintsbury, and we’re going to tell you about…

Mike: Edward the Confessor.

Danielle: Edward the Confessor, yes. Edward the Confessor was one of the first kings of England as England. Do you want me to dive a little into that background before you start telling us about Edward?

Mike: Yes.

Danielle: Okay. In 927, England, as a kingdom, became a thing. up until that point, you had 7 different Anglo-Saxon kingdoms. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to remember all of them, but you have Wessex, Essex, East Anglia, Mercia, Strathclyde, Northumbria, and then the Welsh Kingdoms. I feel like I’m forgetting one and I’m really embarrassed if I am. But, the person we’re talking about tonight, although he technically ruled the seven kingdoms, there were still a lot of people who were very autonomous in the kingdoms they were living in. The majority of his reign happened in the Wessex and into the Essex area. Most of the kings, also, they spent most of their time in Wessex and Essex. But, I mean, obviously, they would do stuff in other places because there was still a lot of fighting and a lot of arguing, and people didn’t always agree with who should be king.

Mike: And this was really kind of the first time they were all brought together. They weren’t used to the idea of being all considered one nation.

Danielle: Right. The Anglo-Saxons had come in and mostly lived along the shores on the east and up towards the north, but they started spreading out. But you still had Celts and you had Picts in that area. You still had some Roman remnants because, even though Rome had left in 200 AD, there were still people who had stayed behind. So you had this really big conglomeration of different languages, different people. English as we know it today was not being spoken, but English was being rooted in that time period, but it was not yet an official language. Latin and French were the most common languages among the not-little people.

Mike: Among the higher-ups.

Danielle: Yeah, among nobles and barons and earls and things like that.

Mike: Because they needed a common language to communicate to each other.

Danielle: Well, and the educated went to school as, well, not really school, but were educated in, especially Latin. A lot of them didn’t read or write, though. So, kind of an interesting little twist there. So most of the records of the time were made by monks and archbishops and people like that. There’s a little bit of background there. Just as an FYI, I am an anthropologist and Michael is…what is your title? Literary studier?

Mike: Well, I’m a ginger.

Danielle: You’re a ginger.

Mike: And an English major.

Danielle: Yeah, he graduated with his degree in literary studies. And I graduated with mine in anthropology with a minor in religious studies and now I’m in grad school for creative writing, which is going to be a surprise to my family because they thought I was going to do anthropology. Ha, ha, changed my mind, guys. I’m going to go for creative writing and literature.

Mike: So let’s dive into Edward the Confessor. Edward was the 7th son of Æthelred the Unready and Emma of Normandy.

Danielle: And I love that name. Æthelred the Unready. Like, what was he not ready for?

Mike: He wasn’t ready for a lot of things, apparently. But you don’t get to pick your own nicknames, they’re just kind of bestowed upon you.

Danielle: I know, I know! But, I’m just saying, why Æthelred the Unready?

Mike: I don’t know. I didn’t research into him. But Edward himself was born between 1003 and 1005 in Islip near Oxford. We don’t have the exact date because records back then were pretty spotty at best, and this was over a thousand years ago. not all records are going to survive that area. England has a climate that isn’t very good for keeping records in.

Danielle: And, like we said, a lot of people weren’t even making records, so we are researching to the best of our abilities with the material we can get our hands on. But the fact of the matter is, a lot of the records are old and gone and, even the ones we get, a lot of them were written sometimes centuries after the fact and I think a lot of people are aware in this day and age, history is written by the victors, so take it with a grain of salt. But I just discovered why he was the unready, if you want to hear.

Mike: Why was he the unready?

Danielle: Okay, so it’s a play on his name. Back then, it wasn’t “unready” the way we think of it, it’s just kind of turned into that. But, it comes from the Old English world of unræd which means “poorly advised”. And it’s-

Mike: Oooh!

Danielle: Yeah, and it’s a pun on his name because his name Æthelred actually means “well-advised”. So there you go.

Mike: So he was Well-Advised the Unadvised.

Danielle: [Laughs] Yep.

Mike: So he was the mediocre-advised.

Danielle: Yeah, yeah. So, there, we learned something. High five. [Sound of high-fiving]. All right, carry on.

Mike: His family spent several years in exile because there was a Danish invasion in 1013, so they fled over to Normandy. Æthelred himself was briefly reinstated as king, but died in 1016, leaving Cnut, who was the Danish invader, as king. Cnut then married Æthelred’s widow, Emma, and this was to secure an alliance between the two families where Æthelred already had a strong sense of leadership and tradition in ruling that area. Coming in as an invader, you need to marry people to get those alliances.

Danielle: Right, because, even though it’s been a “kingdom”, I put it in air quotes, since 927, it’s still really unstable. And, also, I have a really important question.

Mike: Shoot.

Danielle: Do you think Cnut ever looked at his mother and said ‘she turned me into a Cnewt?’

Mike: Then they got better.

Danielle: I got better. I’m just wondering.

Mike: Yes, it happened.

Danielle: I hope so, I hope so.

Mike: When Cnut died, he was succeeded by his son Harthacnut in 1040. Following Harthacnut’s death on June 8th, 1042, there wasn’t a clear line of succession. Harthacnut didn’t really have a whole lot of time to set that up. He was only king for two years.

Danielle: Well, what a loser. Jeez!I you’re going to be king, at least do the job right and do it for a while.

Mike: Well, he was still in his partying, honeymoon phase.

Danielle: Yeah, yeah, but still! He wasn’t Henry VIII whose one sole mission in life was to have sons?

Mike: Exactly.

Danielle: By any means necessary?

Mike: By all means necessary. So Emma and Godwin, who was the Earl of Wessex, wanted Emma’s son Cnut, from Cnut, to take the throne, but Æthelred’s children made a claim for it as well. And so, as we’re going to talk a lot about in this, they fought about it. The king died, you had two rival factions vying for the throne because there was no clear line of succession, and another war broke out. This becomes a running theme in English history. Æthelred’s children won against Cnut’s children, but all of them died except for Edward. Edward was the lone survivor. So, naturally, he was crowned king and Godwin then flip-flopped sides and decided to throw his support in for Edward to be king. And Godwin was supported by the people as well, so now we have Edward as having all these powers behind him so that he can actually rule.

Danielle: Although, Edmund Godwin, or Godwine, don’t exactly always get along.

Mike: No.

Danielle: There’s a lot of struggle back and forth between them. They’re frenemies more than anything, I’d say.

Mike: Definitely. Edward was crowned at the cathedral of Winchester on April–

Danielle: It was Winchester! I was right. Okay. You can keep that because I was right.

Mike: Yeah, you were right.

Danielle: I’m a little drunk already, sorry.

Mike: And that was in the year 1043. Two years later, Edward married Godwin’s daughter, Edith. I think that’s probably part of the agreement that Godwin made with Edward is ‘I’m going to throw my support behind you’–

Danielle: ‘But I want to have grandchildren who take the throne eventually’, yeah.

Mike: Exactly. Soon after, more of Godwin’s family were awarded Earldoms in southern England. Now, Edward himself did not have any children. This was believed because Edward wanted to live a conventional saint’s life of celibacy.

Danielle: Which, I really wonder about this, because my research indicates that he wasn’t especially pious. He wasn’t especially a good religious person. And part of me wonders did he just hate Edith so much for some reason that he was like ‘well, this is a good way to get out of having to have sex’. Because they didn’t talk about consent and things back then.

Mike: And my research showed that he was very devout in his religion, hence why he was a saint. And, while he was in exile, he even made a vow that, if he were able to make it to England safely, that he would make a pilgrimage to St. Peter’s in Rome.

Danielle: Oh, I forgot a kingdom. I forgot the kingdom of Kent. Sorry. Yeah, well, I mean, the research is kind of spotty, obviously, but it’s not that he wasn’t devout, it was that he didn’t really live a life of saintliness himself until he took this vow that happened after he got married.

Mike: The vow he made, it was when he was in exile back in 1013.

Danielle: See? And this is why I’m saying the research is all over the place because the records I saw indicated he just really wasn’t as saintly as people made him out to be after his death. But, whatever the case may be, he didn’t want to have sex with his wife, so.

Mike: The pope gave him clearance.

Danielle: Eventually. But we’ll get to why.

Mike: After Edward became the king, he realized that he was too busy to make a pilgrimage to Rome, a pilgrimage to St. Peter’s as he had taken a vow to do. There are probably a couple different reasons for this. One is his kingdom was still fairly unstable and, if he left, then who knows what would have happened. Someone else probably would have come in and tried to take power or splinter groups would have formed and started rebellions. It just wouldn’t have been a very good idea for him at the time.

Danielle: Yeah, because some of Cnut’s family still in Denmark were like ‘we actually have a claim to the throne’ so that was a concern.

Mike: Exactly.

Danielle: The other little kingdoms, especially Mercia, Mercia was just volatile, they were like ‘we want power back!’ so, gotta be careful.

Mike: He wrote the pope and said ‘totes sorry, I’m not going to be able to make that pilgrimage that I totally promised to do’ and the pope said ‘don’t worry about it, bro, I will release you from your vow on one condition. And what you have to do is, you have to build a new Norman-style cathedral to replace the Saxon church, St. Peter’s Abbey’. So between 1042 and 1052, Edward began rebuilding St. Peter’s Abbey to a royal burial church known today as Westminster Abbey.

Danielle: Westminster Abbey! We’ve been there.

Mike: Yes.

Danielle: I’ve been there a lot.

Mike: We’ve seen it with our very own eyeballs.

Danielle: So let me explain Westminster Abbey just for a moment because it’s actually a really important building in British history. The Saxon church that he was building on top of, it wasn’t even really a church. It was an abbey, even then, but it was very small, and it was a very quiet, simple place like you expect a place to be where monks and abbots live. And, if you ever go there, and you see the cathedral today, it is enormous, it is beautiful, it’s really, really extravagant though, and it’s a place that makes you feel good but also angry at the same time because it’s really impressive, there’s some really amazing people buried there, the history is so rich, there’s a coronation chair there that’s been there since the 14th century…I mean, it’s a really important, beautiful place. But the problem is, it’s lost something of that early Christian thought process of simple, pious, poverty, you know? We know monks and priests and people take vows of chastity, but also that say I’m not going to be wealthy, I’m going to live simply, like Jesus did. And, the inner courtyard is filled with the bodies of monks who died there over the centuries. They don’t have any markers of any kind. They don’t have any beautiful tombs, they’re just under the grass. And the abbots are buried alongside the parts that you can walk between the different places inside the abbey, kind of the arches that you go through. I can’t think off the top of my head what they’re called, but if you walk through there, there are some almost bench-looking things on the side, and all that’s left of their tombs aren’t even really tombs. They’re just rocks that had been formed in the shape of their bodies that have been worn down over time. So it’s a really neat place, but also it’s a really sharp contrast between nobility and quiet, worshipful people. And that’s what he built. On top of the quiet, he built the extravagant.

Mike: And he’s buried there, and you can even see his tomb.

Danielle: Yep, his tomb is, we’ll get into that.

Mike: So Edward, he didn’t have any children, so he didn’t have a direct heir and this would lead to issues for his line of succession. But Edward did become a saint. Do you want to tell us about how Edward died?

Danielle: Yes, I do! We don’t know. [pause] I mean, [laugh], everything that I found just, if it said anything, it all said natural causes. But, I mean, he was pretty old by this point, so that’s completely normal. His buddy there, Edmund Godwine, the two of them had been fighting just a couple years before he died, and then they kissed and made up. And while they were having dinner together, Edmund actually died of a stroke. So, there’s that. [laughs] That’s not so great. He died of natural causes, and he unfortunately did not get the funeral most kings would have gotten. He was buried very quickly. He did not lay in state. But what’s really interesting is what happened after he died.

Mike: So what happened after he died?

Danielle: Okay, it’s kind of a long story. Let me talk first about some of the stuff he was buried with and then we’ll get into some of the stuff that led to him being canonized as a saint. He was buried, first of all, with a ring. And this ring, allegedly, had belonged to St. John a.k.a. the John of the Bible. The story, the legend of it is that this ring was given by St. John to a really super poor person because John did not have any alms, any money to give. So he gives the poor man this ring and somewhere along the way, several centuries later, two men were on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land and St. John’s ghost appeared to them and said ‘take my ring.’

Mike: So where did John’s ghost get the ring back from?

Danielle: Well, I don’t know. And, more importantly, what I want to know is how the hell does a ghost carry a ring? Don’t get me wrong, spooky shit happens and I don’t know how a ghost carries a ring, I just, I’ve seen some spooky shit in my life, so I know they sometimes move objects, but carrying a ring to two people and then appearing before them, I have no idea. But he did, according to this legend. And he tells the two men ‘take this ring and in six months time, return it to paradise’ which I couldn’t find anything that indicated what exactly that meant. That’s just what they reported, that they were told to return it to paradise. So maybe their mission was actually to die and take it to Heaven? I don’t know. But whatever the case may be, Edward the Confessor ends up with this ring and it gets buried with him. And he was also buried with a gold crucifix around his neck, and that’s important, that comes in later. The ring of St. John ended up eventually being placed with a bunch of other relics by Henry II, but we’ll get to what relics are in a second. Let’s talk first about how one becomes a saint and we’ll talk a little bit involved with that why it is that he was put up for sainthood. There was, in 1089, a question of whether or not he was worthy of sainthood because, all of a sudden, people were super into Edward the Confessor. This is where my research kind of veers off from yours. He was being made out to be much holier and much more devout than he had probably been in life and, again, records written after this time period are going to show him that way. In 1089, people were like ‘let’s check him out! let’s go look!’ So they opened up his tomb and, I’m going to read for you what they found. This is from a chronicler named Aelred of Rievaulx and says…oh, by the way, the person opening it is Gundulf, bishop of Rochester; ‘There issued out such aromatic odors as filled the church with their fragrance. In the first place the burial cloths were clean and substantial. Next, unfolding his vestments, they found his underhabit (aka underwear) and ornaments in the same state. They stretched out his arms, bent his fingers, and found the whole body sound and flexible. They next examined the flesh, which was firm and pure as crystal, whiter than snow. But when, after a long a suspense, none durst ventured to touch his face, the bishop, Gundulfulus’ I really hope that was actually Gandalf.

Mike: It was.

Danielle: It was totally Gandalf, I knew it.

Mike: There’s even a ring involved.

Danielle: I know! Hobbits are real. “Bishop Gundulfus [I’m just going to call him Gandalf], Bishop Gandalf laid his hand upon his forehead cloth and, stroking it over the face, drew it over the beard, which was white as frost. surprised at this, he attempted to draw a hair from the beard.” See, it is Gandalf, he wants to do magic with that hair. “Draw a hair from the beard, but that adhered strictly” which is kind of weird that he couldn’t pull a hair. “For which, being gently reproved by the abbot, he owned his fault which excessive love occasioned. After this, they preserved the grave dressings and clothed him a new, and re-interred him.” So in other words, they opened up the tomb, and he’s in excellent shape. This is what is known as being incorruptible, which is one of the aspects a body must have in order to be turned into a saint. The body must be so well-preserved that it has not gone through the decaying process. So, the fact that he looked healthy, he looked fresh, this is why they were like ‘okay, we can start this process’.

Mike: So, they basically buried him in the medieval version of Tupperware.

Danielle: Yeah. Let’s talk a little bit about that process.

Mike: Do you think they have to burp him every couple of years?

Danielle: Well, they did in 1089, clearly. And they’re going to do it a few more times, too, actually. So, he’s in his Tupperware, which, it’s stone and it’s kind of hard to get oxygen and bacteria and insects and things like that through stone inside of a building. He’s in a really temperate climate where it’s really cool, and the humidity isn’t really going to get into the tomb with it being so well-sealed. We’ve seen these tombs. They are really well-built. Also, it mentions the aromatic odor. He smelled good.

Mike: So they Frebrezed him.

Danielle: They Frebrezed him. When he died, he would have had his body most likely cut open and had his entrails and things removed because, usually, like I said before, usually you’re going to have a king laying in state for a while before the burial, so they don’t want him to get all stinky and gross, to the best of their abilities.

Mike: But Edward didn’t lay in state.

Danielle: He didn’t, but they would have still most likely prepped the body while Harold was off doing his thing to try to take the throne, but we’ll get there later. They would have opened him up, most likely, taken out his organs, his entrails, and then stuffed him with straw and with herbs and then also stuffed his clothing with herbs to help cover the yucky smell of a dead body.

Mike: Because dead bodies smell bad.

Danielle: They small bad, especially when you don’t have any way to embalm them the way we do now. Although I don’t like embalming. I don’t want to be embalmed. But, they didn’t have any way to really preserve it, so that was the best they could do. This was the first step to becoming a saint.

Mike: It’s fine that they were uncorruptible.

Danielle: Incorruptible.

Mike: Incorruptible.

Danielle: Incorruptible. Yes. Next, the bishop of the diocese is going to start an investigation. He has to gather evidence and testimony to see if this person has lived a saintly life, including any writings, and since, after his marriage, at least, he was very much into being that pious, devout man, always closeted in prayer and reading his scriptures and things like that, that part, the archbishop was able to do. Because he saw he lived with sufficient holiness, he then asks something called the congregation for the causes of saints to make a recommendation to the pope. If the pope accepts the case, then the person is called a servant of God, because it means the pope’s at least given the approval that they were a good Christian.

Mike: Right.

Daniella: The next step is verified miracles. There has to be evidence of a miracle and it has to be gathered and investigated. This has to be something that’s verified as unexplainable scientifically, but in this point in time, in the 1060s, that’s like…science? They don’t know very much. They can’t actually explain things, so back then it was a lot easier to be like ‘we don’t know, so it must be a miracle’. But, it can take a long time to get this all done, especially the miracle portion. So here’s what had to happen: because he had not performed any miracles before death, he has to perform miracles after death.

Mike: I mean, it’s hard enough to perform a miracle before you die. But after you die?

Danielle: Right, and this is where relics come into the picture. A relic is something belonging to a saint that is said to have specific properties of usually healing or other miraculous things: I touched it and all of a sudden I was able to afford to eat, things like that. relics often tend to be a body part from a saint, and almost every Catholic church in the world has at least one relic. It’s not always body parts, but it often is a bone. It can be something that belonged to the saint, so the ring of St. John is a relic already.

Mike: Or things like a piece of the true cross.

Danielle: Right. Pieces of the crucifix, the Shroud of Turin, things like that are considered relics.

Mike: Ark of the Covenant.

Danielle: Gotta find that Ark, God. Anyway, the miracles he performed, well there are only a couple, but they’re pretty impressive. After William the Conqueror takes the throne, the bishop of Worcester, Wulfstan, was told by Primate Lanfranc to give up his ring and staff to the tomb. Now, a primate, by the way, is another word for an archbishop. At first Worcester’s like ‘no’…Wulfstan, sorry it’s Wulfstan is bishop of Worcester, it’s kind of confusing. Wulfstan’s like ‘no, man, I don’t want to give my stuff up’ and they were, Primate Lanfranc was like ‘do it! just do it!’ so he’s like, ‘fine’. According the miraculous legend, his ring and staff became embedded in the tomb. So really, what they’re doing is inventing the legend of King Arthur because all these dudes come and try to pull the staff and pull the ring out of the tomb, and they can’t. But, lo and behold, newly coronated King William comes along and pulls them out.

Mike: Instead of the sword in the stone, it’s the stick.

Danielle: It’s the staff in–

Mike: The staff in the coffin.

Danielle: The staff in the coffin. This is considered a really extremely impressive miracle, and that’s enough. The next step is that he’s now called ‘blessed’. Canonization is the final step to declaring a deceased person a saint, and that is completely on the heads of the Vatican. They’re the ones who have to decide for sure. He was the first and only Anglo-Saxon king to be canonized. In fact, he was the only king to have ever been canonized, so that’s kind of cool. And after he gets canonized, he gets a new tomb. Henry III actually built a whole new shrine, but then the tomb gets pillaged to hell and back. Part of it is from people sneaking in, grave robbers were a real thing. Part of it was Henry VIII went through his hissy fit of ‘churches should not have nice things’ and so it got badly damaged when his good buddy Thomas was out there, busting up all churches and taking relics and destroying property inside the churches. But, King Henry VIII’s daughter Mary actually ended up restoring the tomb, and when that happened, there were some holes in the tomb at that point, so they looked in there [laughs] and they said–

Mike: I mean, I would, too.

Danielle: Right? And they said the body was still firm and whole. So my guess is, being inside the stone tomb–

Mike: Inside the Tupperware.

Danielle: Right, inside the Holy Tupperware, it leeched out any fluids that were left and this almost mummified him rather than skeletonizing him. That’s actually not my area of expertise, but from what I have learned in bio-archaeology, I’m guessing that it’s something like that. In the 17th century, you remember that gold crucifix I told you about?

Mike: I do!

Danielle: Okay, you want to hear the horrible thing that happened to it?

Mike: Yes.

Danielle: [laughs] This is bad. A Mr. Henry Kean found the crucifix, he stuck his hand in there because, again, the tomb was falling apart, and he finds the crucifix, he’s got his hand in there, reaching around, and he’s like ‘oh, there’s something here’ and he takes it.

Mike: That’s how curses start.

Danielle: That is absolutely how curses start and here’s the curse, this is what happens: James II ends up with the crucifix. Mr. Henry Kean’s never heard from again. And then, James II, after getting this crucifix, ends up having to flee England in 1688 and, on his way to France, the fishermen rowing him to France steal the crucifix from him. And it’s lost to this day. Nobody knows where it is.

Mike: Probably because the fishermen then drowned because it was cursed.

Danielle: Because it was cursed! Right! But if you have a gold crucifix in your family that’s been there for the last 300 plus years, and you notice a lot of really horrible, tragic things happen to the portion of the family holding onto it, please return it to Westminster Abbey at London, UK [laughs] and don’t touch it, you might want to get it blessed first, even though it’s a gold crucifix [laughs].

Mike: Yeah, put some gloves on.

Danielle: Yeah. my question is: did St. John ever go to the tomb and take his ring back?

Mike: I don’t know.

Danielle: Do you think those two men are going to have to be cursed to hell because they did not follow the promptings to return it to the paradise?

Mike: Well, you had one job. When a ghost comes down and give you instructions to take his holy ring somewhere? You gotta do it, otherwise, you’re going to be cursed, too.

Danielle: Guys! You had one job. I know, it’s tragic. So that is the really cool and rather lengthy history of Edward the Confessor and stay tuned next time to hear about King Harold.

Mike: Thank you for listening. And where can they find us on social medias?

Danielle: On social medias? [laughs]

Mike: There are many of them.

Danielle: There are. We’re on Twitter @monarchmalarkey. We’re on Facebook Monarchs&Malarkey. And if you have trouble listening on your current podcast, you can also find us on all the others. We’re on iTunes, we’re on Stitcher, we’re on Spotify, we’re on iHeartRadio, we’re on…what else are we on?

Mike: We’re on Google and Tunein.

Danielle: And Tunein. So look for us there.

Mike: And if you have any ideas about monarchs or leaders that you would like us to cover, you can shoot us an email at [email protected].

Danielle: That’s Monarchs and Malarkey, AND, all one word. And don’t worry, we will not only be covering British history, we will be expanding out.

[Outro music]

#podcast #podcast transcript #history podcast #history #transcript

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wolfhourr · 7 years ago

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100 questions

I was bored af and tried to do these questions.

1. Is a kiss considered cheating? ya.

2. Have you ever faked an orgasm? Not one I could think of

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? probably flying

4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? hopefullyyyyy

5. Tell us some funny drunk story. Oh my god I know so many but a bunch of friends and I were celebrating midsummer and we had this wooden cross which we’d decorate with branches and flowers and one of my friends (he’s got long wavy hair) stole my flower crown and carried that cross halfway home through half of the town we live in and it was like half past 1 in the morning and the people on the streets were shouting ‘oh my god it’s Jesus’ all the time and that was freaking hilarious

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex? long distance isn’t cool

7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? I don’t think of shit like this often but I’d like to have it quick and simple

8: What are your current goals? becoming a pro in photography (concerts mainly) and drone videography (basically shooting aerial footage for music videos and movies, that would be the most rad thing)

9. Do you like someone? I actually like a lot of people

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you? ugh, there are a few people who do that frequently but mostly band members

11. Do you like your body? parts.

12. Can you keep a diet? Nope I’m pretty weak regarding food

13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? Stop fucking killing each other and try to love everyone regardless of their origin or religion or sexuality or views

14. Do you work? I study Scandinavian Studies but I’ll be working as an aupair in Finland starting in August 2017

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of you life, what would it be? This is the toughest freaking question anyone has ever asked

16. Would you get a tattoo? I actually have 5

17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? concerts, cameras, things that make me genuinely happy

18. Can you drive? what? A car? A person insane? Like a fucking champ

19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? my best friend aka Julienne that gorgeous shining bean

20. What was the last thing you cried for? my dad being my dad

21. Do you keep a journal? I have a scrapbook where I put random little things like receipts from vacations or stuff like that in and I also print out mini photos for it

22. Is life fun? What kind of question is this? Life’s an up and down

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant? as long as they don’t hear it and you can smell it away

24. What’s your dream car? VW Golf R in metallic dark blue

25. Are grades in school important? As long as you don’t fail the class entirely or get kicked out of school it’s fine. Grades are so fucking overrated these days

26. Describe your crush. Ahahahaha he’s suuuuch a dork, especially whenever he’s drunk haha no but seriously he’s a dork and he get’s pretty touchy then

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? uhh, can’t rememberrrr

28. What was your last lie? I really don’t lie often but maybe I said I wasn’t feeling well just to avoid going out with some friends

29. Dumbest lie you ever told? I think there are a lot of dumb things I told so I can’t really think of one specifically right now

30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing? depends on the people but generally yes even though it shouldn’t be

31. Something you did and you are proud of? my photographs of band members

32. Favorite cocktail? Not tasted all of em but I love Mojitos

33. Something you are good at? sleeping, eating, taking photos, being dumb

34. Do you like small kids? depends on the kids

35. How are you feeling right now? stuffed with lunch and tired but generally fine because life’s good

36. What would you name your daughter/son? daughter: Ebba son: Heinz-Ewald!

37. What do you need to be happy? music, positive vibes and photography

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now? I’m a very non-violent person so nope.. maybe Trump tho

39. What was the last gift you received? my grandma bought me a new handbag yesterday and it’s fabulous

40. What was the last gift you gave? frozen flavoured water to my beloved Fachschaft

41. What was the last concert you went to? A Finnish band called ‘Wake The Nations’, I had the pleasure to take pics for them there hehe

42. Favorite place to shop at? C&A, H&M

43. Who inspires you? Sawyer Hartmann & Logan Henderson, actually a lot more human beings

44. How old were you when you first got drunk? I’m pretty good with alcohol so I have to drink a ton to get drunk and I’m a poor student so basically I was 20 (and I still am 20 lol)

45. How old were you when you first got high? never got there

46. How old were you when you first had sex? never got there either

47. When was your first kiss? 2013 lol

48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? staying in Finland haha

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? A lot of embarrassing things honestly

50. Post a selfie there are photos of me on this blog come on

51. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friends of course!

52. Name one thing that terrifies you. insects

53. What kind of books do you read? none honestly

54. What would you tell your 12 year old self? “Nick Jonas won’t marry you and never fall for boys, they won’t value your good heart”

55. What is your favorite flower? white roses

56. Any bad habits you have? I have many, can’t choose

57. What kind of people are you attracted to? ugh, I deffo don’t have a specific type of person, it really strongly depends on the person. It can be the metalhead in one of the other Fachschaften and it also can be the hot model or the mysterious musician whose head is in the clouds 99% of the time. As long as the person treats me right and isn’t suuuuuper weird it really can be anyone.

58. What was the last thing you cried for? didn’t we have that question already

59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgusts you? Yaaaaa. I hate mushrooms, any sort of fish, snails, insects, basically all that stuff that Germans don’t eat, and oh yeah we have that thing called blood sausage here which is the most awful thing ever

60. Are you in love? all the time

61. Something you find romantic? lying in the grass at night time staring into the sky and talking is something I wanna do with someone special

62. How long was your longest relationship? 6 months? long distance I mentioned that

63. What are three things that irritate you about the same sex? - why do girls bath their faces in tons of make up EVERY SINGLE DAY like I don’t even wear more than mascara EVER - why do girls have to be so disgusting when it comes to public toilets and stuff - arrogance

64. What are three things that irritate you about the opposite sex? - superior behavior - beards - can’t think of the third rn

65. What are you saving money for? for my further studies in October 2018

66. How would you describe your bad side? bad..?

67. Are you actually a good person? Why? I always try to be nice to people and approach them without any prejudice and I try to make people feel good in my presence

68. What are you living for? music and photography haha

69. Have you ever done anything illegal? I parked illegally a couple times lol

70. Do you like your body? check out question 11

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? I strongly hope I haven’t

72. Ever sent nudes? lmao nope

73. Have you ever cheated on someone? In my mindddddd lol

74. Favorite candy? Ferrero Rocher. I’d die for them.

75. Is there a blog you visit every day or almost every day? Tag it! nopeeee I’m sorry I’m lame

76. Do you play any computer games? What’s your favorite? I used to play Rollercoaster Tycoon and Sims 2-4 a loooooot

77. Favorite TV series? Riverdale!!!! And the old German series ‘Wege zum Glück’ which is such a soap opera but I’m a sucker for it still

78. Are you religious? Does God exist? There have been so many “coincidences” that make it hard to believe he isn’t existent. And also there’s so much positive stuff in my life right now, I think he led me where I am right now.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? I read a Swedish book from Henning Mankell about murders and it was cool

80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? everyone is allowed to eat what they want, I don’t even careee

81. How long have you been on tumblr? since 2011/12, not sure

82. Do you like Chinese food? every now and then, yes.

83. McDonalds or Subway? Megges!

84. Vodka or whiskey? V!

85. Alcohol or drugs? only done alcohol so that’s it for me

86. Ever been out of your province/state/country? of course!!!

87. Meaning behind your blog name? it’s my favorite song by the Swedish band called ‘DNKL’

88. What are you scared of? not finding someone to spend the rest of my life with

89. Last time you were insulted? I tend to suppress things like this

90. Most traumatic experience? being taken away from my grandparents regularly when I was young

91. Perfect date idea? it has to do with sunsets and the ocean

92. Favorite app on your phone? Instagrammmmm

93. What color are the walls in your room? white

94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favorite youtuber? I love the vlogs from Lex&Los and I am obsessed with the videos of the Swabian comedian Dodokay.

95. Share your favorite quote. boy there are so many I can’t even come up with one right now

96. What is the meaning of life? finding that one passion and doing everything to live that passion every day

97. Do you like horror movies? N O P E

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? probably my birth has made her cry at some point

99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way? the way some bandmembers treat me is truly something special hehe yes

100. Can you keep a secret? for sure!

#me #100 questions #personal #answers #helloooo

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clexaweekofficial · 8 years ago

Text

Masterlist for ClexaWeek2017

Compilation of fics, art, and more produced for 2017′s Clexa week

Fics:

Day 1- Enemies to Lovers

Cookies by MovieWocher A mission to get cookies leads to betrayal and heartache. Can Lexa and Clarke move past it? 1310 words, complete.

A Different Kind of Promise by Bal3xicon Alexandria Woods has been betrothed to Clarke Griffin of Arcadia since the day she was born. Marrying Clarke means losing the love of her life, but perhaps she can find room in her heart for someone new. 1910 words, complete.

The Legacy of the Sky Princess by MaloryArcher Jewel Thief Clarke and Secret Agent Lexa have fought on opposite sides of the law for years, but will Clarke's latest score turn the tables? 6470 words, complete.

VERSUS by Auddish Some punk continues to beat Clarke's high score on her favorite game at the arcade. She isn't about to take it lying down. 1,246 words, complete.

I Surrender by dreaming_wide_awake Clarke starts her senior year at a new high school, her childhood friends Raven, Octavia, and Bellamy are all there to help her along with a whole new group of friends. Though one person just seems to take an instant dislike to her. Can Clarke break down Lexa's walls? 3980 words, complete.

This Game is Getting Old by LostInMyThoughts Clarke manages a coffee shop and has had to deal with the coffeeshop next door always outdoing the specials she writes up on her sidewalk sign. But what happens when she finally approaches the smug brunette that runs the other shop? 2194 words, complete.

Apartment Wars by almostafantasia When Lexa ends up snatching the apartment Clarke wants from right under her nose, she becomes Clarke's sworn archenemy. Not that Lexa is actually aware of this, but Clarke's decided that things have to be that way. The last thing that Clarke expects is the series of events that lead up to her being asked to move into that very same apartment months later. 3038 words, complete.

Reckoning To Be Reckoned by eternaleponine Arkadia High and Ton DC High are rivals in everything. Clarke is the co-captain of the Arkadia debate team, and she is completely ready to face their rivals in States and win her place a team in Nationals. But will she be able to keep her head in the game when she meets a mysterious girl with a piercing green gaze? 5994 words, complete.

Roles by NattheBattz Clarke and Lexa are actors who cannot communicate unless it's on a stage as someone else. But they try. And Raven is really tired of all the secret pining. 5234 words, complete.

This Is My Gym by The_ShadowWolf Clarke and Lexa fight over a Pokemon gym. 3251 words, complete. Out Of Bounds by NorthShore7911 Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods are world class skiers who have been competing with each other for years. Lexa is a cocky shit and Clarke is tired of seeing her team lose to Lexa's. One epic yard sale is all it takes to change everything. 2138 words, complete.

Suddenly, There You Were by hlnwst Clarke and Lexa have always butted heads. Middle school, high school, college and now they're working in the same office and are paired together for a very important project. They clash plenty, but realize that they actually don't know enough about each other to warrant such discourse. 5631 words, complete.

Remind Me To Thank Octavia by FirstAde Octavia gets drunk at a party and calls Clarke, who thinks Lexa is about to take advantage of the drunk girl's state. Obviously that's not the case. It's Lexa, she's a smol bean who wouldn't hurt anone like that, but Clarke definitely wants to kick Lexa's ass for 2.5 seconds. 3378 words, complete.

Wanheda and the Commander by SkyPrincessCommanderBadass The Commander and Wanheda have been arch enemies for months. The Commander keeps chasing her and Wanheda keeps on destroying the town of Polis. most of the time the reason is because of the company Arkadia which Wanheda established but was kicked off by a new ruler, her previous second in command. 767 words, complete.

The Chauffeur by mswarrior Lexa leaned up against the town car, checking her watch for the umpteenth time. "Where the hell is she?" Her next job she was picking up was an older woman. By her curt message, she wasn't to be late, park the car by the entrance, and don't talk unless asked a question. Her pieces of baggage were sent down earlier and were already in the trunk. When at last the doorman moved to open the door, the woman waved at her and Lexa moved quickly to open the back passenger door as the woman slid inside. Lexa was about to close the door when the woman called out to another person to hurry up. Lexa turned and almost ran face and breast first into the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Lexa took in a startled breath. 8443 words, complete.

Start of something new by accio_nora The one where Clarke and Lexa are the captains of rivaling soccer teams, and things take a turn. Featuring lame ass High School Musical references. 1883 words, complete.

Monday Day 1 Enemies to Lovers by Arkeis07 Times in the woods where Lexa changes her mind about Clarke, and one time in Polis where Clarke change her mind about Lexa.

When You Feel My Heat Look Into My Eyes by Jayenator565, Mac_Aroni, Natali798 After the stress of midterms was finaly over and a late night of arguing with what was probably soon to be her ex, Lexa wanted nothing more than to sleep. A bonding mark, ancient runes, and an ever curious demon with little regard for her personal space was not very high on her to-do list but then again Clarke thinks she should always be high on Lexa's to-do list. 14,797 words, in progress.

Day 1 Drabble by 100hearteyes Clarke and Lexa are rival journalists...and more.

Blades, Blood, and Bonds by stringingwords Lexa is a ruthless Celtic gladiator seeking her revenge on Rome. Clarke is a Roman girl in mourning for her father who was kiled in the Gaelic war. Watching the games and hoping for Lexa's death seems the perfect outlet. Only Clarke's role as spectator is destined to change. 14,739 words, complete.

Remember When We Met? by K17L53 Clarke and Lexa talking about how they met and how their relationship went from "I can't stand you, why are you here?" to "I love you and I can't imagine my life without you." Kind of a lowkey Castle!AU. 1434 words, complete.

I Loved You All My Life by AnneTyrell "You were into that“You were into that Finn and I loved you, you were sleeping around with that pathetic Niylah and I loved you! You wanted to be alone, and I loved you, you needed a friend, and I loved you!” “I’m sorry…” “And now… now I’m with someone amazing, someone that cares about me, someone that values me and….” she paused, holding tears back “And you chose now, NOW to tell me you're in love with me!” 5714 words, complete.

How Machines Live by MadeInSpace During the civil war between Polisians and Arkadians, Major Lexa Woods escapes her regiment after a mutiny. On the brink of death, she's saved by the recluse Clarke Griffin. 2568 words, complete.

Working Blues by kay-emm-gee Doctor!Clarke gets annoyed with Cop!Lexa for leaving her ER when she's not finished being stitched up.

Tacky Flowers by babes-blossom-butt Artist Clarke gets pissed at the pretty botanist who called her flowers tacky. Featuring cute Imagine Me & You references.

There's This Thing I Do (It's Called Loving You) by nutalexfanfic Clarke and Lexa were best friends as children, but things happened and they hated each other instead. Two years after graduation, turns out they are college roommates, and it takes time but they'll help each other heal and they'll love each other. 6422 words, complete.

A Riot by anddirtyrain Cheerleader!Clarke and Jock!Lexa hate each other...and also fuck in closets.

Mama, did you know? by HedaClexaKomBlackhill Clexa's eldest daughter has questions about love, and how her parents' love started. 886 words, complete.

How Times Have Changed by Corvus Corvidae Clarke makes an offhanded comment in an interview about havng a crush on the girl she hated in high school, and things spiral from there. Kind of a Celebrity!AU 9133 words, complete.

Day Two- Roommates

And the moon is a mother to both of us by cori_the_bloody Clarke Griffin's just trying to make it through her first year of college without dying. Is that really too much to ask? 23,488 words, complete.

The Freshman Twelve by exfactor Freshman year roommates stuck together on the snowiest day of the year. 3059, complete.

The golden rules of college by almostafantasia Don’t date your roommate. Don’t have sex with you roommate. Don’t masturbate when your roommate could walk in at any moment. In which Lexa is a small flustered gay and all Clarke wants is to get herself off without being disturbed. And then the roommate situation ascends to an entirely new level… 2319 words, complete.

Clarke Griffin Has Shitty Taste in Dates by Firstade Clarke goes on dates. Lexa is her roommate. They are both idiots. 1375 words, complete.

Satisfied by eternalponine Follow up to Reckoning To Be Reckoned. Three weeks later, the Arkadia and Ton DC High teams are headed to Nationals. Clarke offers to take one for the team and room with one of their rivals. 4187, complete.

Be my friend (Be my lover) by Nina98 The first thing Clarke notices when she wakes up is the second body pressed against her own in the bed that's a bit too small for two. The second thing she notices is Lexa's mascara stained cheeks. 1439 words, complete.

You Like Me by dreaming_wide_awake Clarke and Lexa are college roommates, they get along great, but neither of them are being entirely honest about how much they like each other. 2890 words, complete.

Knock, Knock by hlnwst After a storm devastates Clarke's school, they merge with Lexa's school and the two become roommates. It's clear from the start that there is something between them. 1460 words, complete.

Firestarter by The_ShadowWolf Lexa's trying to get Clarke to be her girlfriend but multiple fires won't let that happen. 3327 words, complete.

Summer Fun by nutalexfanfic Clarke, Octavia, and Raven work at a summer camp every summer for a little bit of extra cash and general summer fun. Lexa is the hot new counselor who just happens to be Clarke's cabin mate. Neither of them even try not to fall for each other. 2335 words, complete.

I Loved You All My Life by AnneTyrell Clarke gets pissed that her girlfriend is only referring to her as a roommate because she's scared to come out.

Standing Up to the Landlord by Arkeis07 Clarke and Lexa have a terrible landlord. 1400 words, complete.

We're just friends who happen to live together. Platonically. In separate bedrooms. by K17L53 Clarke and Lexa have lived in the same apartment for the past two years. There's clearly somehting there with them but well, denial's strong. Raven and Octavia have no chill when it comes to "clexa" and this fic is just some things Clarke and Lexa deal with when living together. 3497 words, complete.

And life was perfect by theperipheral The zombie apocalypse conspires to bring Clarke and Lexa together. 1754 words, complete.

Just A Roommate by MovieWocher Lexa and Clarke were roommates in college. They were getting along just fine until Clarke caught Lexa looking at photos of her. Where did she get them? Clarke wasn't very happy. Spoilers: Someone's sick in the head. 2232, complete.

What's Life Without Cliches? by LostInMyThoughts Clarke drags her roommate, Lexa, to a friend's house party and they eventually get separated but when she gets a text from Lexa asking for help, she acts without really thinking and ends up opening a whole new set of feelings she hadn't realized she was harboring. 2515 words, complete.

Do You? by anonfanfic "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Hold Me Close by JezebelTheWicked Lexa and Clarke do a stellar job of pretending the other doesn't exist; even though they're roommates. Then one stormy night changes everything. 1514 words, complete.

The Secrets of Seaton Hall by MaloryArcher The students of Seaton Hall can't help but wonder if there's any truth to the rumors about a couple of administrators who happen to have been roommates years ago on the second floor. 1500 words, complete.

That's More Like It by eluigih "You know this is the fourth date you've tanked this month, sounds like you're losing your touch, Griffin." Clarke wishes it was that simple, she wishes that her recent struggles were merely the product of poor compatibility and awkward first encounters. "And what makes you think that I'm the problem?" 1398 words, complete.

Bonds & Breakdowns by tacohashi Clarke Griffin never knew bonding with her roommates would be easy if she had an emotional breakdown at three am. 1886 words, complete.

"We're roommates and I pretend to be your significant other to scare off your one night stands" by clexabrasil

The Kraken by kay_be “Fuck it, we’re young. What’s the worst that could happen?” That’s the rationale and sage advice that led Lexa to living in her best friend’s girlfriend’s house with four roommates and one shower. What did the sage advice pertain to? Agreeing to let that girl she definitely didn’t still have a thing for and was now just friends with move into the open bedroom across the hall. What’s the worst that could happen? 3107 words, complete.

Green Diamond by Bal3xicon Ever wondered what Sims characters get up to when we're not controlling them? Clarke and Lexa are recreated and paired together time after time, in house after house, in game after game. When the player leaves the game long enough the characters can get up to all kinds of mischief. What might happen if they leave Clarke and Lexa in a room all by themselves without a door? Plenty. 2042 words, complete.

Day Three: Stuck Together

On Murder and Mystery by stringingwords While waitressing at a posh lawyer party, Clarke gets trapped on the roof with a mysterious girl who prefers secrets to names. 2475 words, complete.

Rivals by Essays in Existentialism Clarke and Lexa are rival cheerleading captains with a little too much sexual tension. They both stay in the same hotel with their teams for a competition.

Lock and Key by eternaleponine During a theater rehearsal, Clarke and Lexa get locked into a closet behind the stage. Turns out Lexa is afraid of the dark.

Day 3 Stuck Together by clexabrasil Part 2 to the roommates prompt, stuck together in a car.

Hair Pin by AnonBeMe The AU in which Clarke's friends keep handcuffing her to random people at parties.

Behind Closed Doors by hlnwst Clarke and Lexa find themselves stuck in a lift in the hospital that Clarke works at. They find themselves gravitating towards each other with more in common than they would have imagined.

Here's To The Places We Weren't Supposed To Be by LostInMyThoughts Clarke is forced to attend a fundraiser and once she has had enough of the place she sneaks off only to get locked in a supply room with Lexa Woods, someone she hasn't seen since high school.

Sometimes elevators are the fastest way to date by fforteventura Lexa and Clarke get stuck in an elevator. 1910 words, complete.

I Am Nobody's Pet by dreaming_wide_awake Clarke has lost a bet with her friends and has to go and steal a sword from the Woods family crypt. Legend has it that Alexandria Woods wakes from her tomb every night to search for her lost love. But urban legends aren't true, right? 4100 words, complete.

The candle store by almostafantasia Abby sends Clarke out running errands in the middle of a goddamn storm that has her rapped inside a store selling nothing but candles. But at least the girl that works there is cute... 2623 words, complete.

Your heart may long by cori_the_bloody Clarke and Lexa get caught in a tight space while trying to escape the acid fog. 2162 words, complete.

Now We Wait by FirstAde Clarke and Lexa meet for the first time at work. Then they get stuck there together. Fluff, zero angst. 2113 words, complete.

I Loved You All My Life by AnneTyrell Clarke is stuck in an elevator with the sexy CEO of WoodsCorporation. 7530 words, complete.

So...what are we going to do about the whole sleeping thing? by K17L53 Sharing a bed/room AU where it's Lincoln and O's wedding. There's a mix up with Clarke and Lexa's room and the hotel's booked out so they're stuck with each other.

A Science Experiment Gone Wrong by MovieWocher Last class of the day, everyone just wants to get up and leave. But that wouldn’t be a normal day if nothing bizarre happens. Raven is not just good tinkering with gadgets, she’s also a genius with chemicals provided there are no unexpected incidents. Clarke was one of her unwitting victims. New girl Lexa was not amused. 1366 words, complete.

Living Conditions by theperipheral They're stuck with each other, and they wouldn't have it any other way. 905 words, complete.

And on a Wednesday, In a Cafe (I watched it begin again) by SkyPrincessCommanderBadass A Clexa soulmate AU. The timer on her arm stopped when ceruleans landed on emeralds. 978 words, complete.

Wednesday: Stuck Together by Arkeis07 Natblida hair-braiding brank pure fluff and grounder culture musings. 1100 words, complete.

Have love, will travel by watchingfangirl Clarke and Lexa go on a road trip. Featuring Lexa, the useless lesbian. 2250 words, complete.

Snowed In Surprise by babes-blossom-butt Lexa visits Clarke's tattoo parlor.

Day 3 Stuck Together by 100hearteyes Clarke tries to walk out on Lexa, but then they get stuck in an elevator together.

Strangers in Bathrooms by potatogestapo Clarke is overworked and tired, but forces herself to meet up with her coworkers/friends at the bar after work. All she really wants to do is go home to her couch and Netflix, and not have to deal with Finn and Bellamy's annoying attempts at flirting with her. And as if that's not enough, a snow storm leaves them stranded at the bar. Can a smoking hot stranger brighten up her night? or Clarke and Lexa meet at a bar, and there's enough sexual tension to cut through with a knife. Hot bathroom sex ensues. 5155 words, complete.

Never Judge a State by Its Traffic by MaloryArcher Lexa and Clarke get side by side stuck in a traffic jam. 2541 words, complete.

I hate you (I love you) by Nina98 What the world knows is that Lexa and Clarke hate each other. But things aren't always what they seem... 1830 words, complete.

Something's gained in living every day by whyyesitscar Clarke and Lexa find time to talk while stranded in no-man's-land between Arkadia and Polis. Set circa 3x07 but definitely diverging from canon. 2230 words, complete.

I'm Bigger Than These Demons by JezebelTheWicked When Clarke gets dared to go inside the creepy house on the corner, she never expected to meet someone... 2062 words, complete.

Fish Out of Water by kay_be Lexa and Clarke are working at a summer camp. Find out what happens when they get caught out in a storm and must seek shelter in the boathouse to wait out the storm. 4710 words, complete.

No Filter by Bal3xicon It has been a year since Clarke and Lexa have been in the same space. At their daughter's wedding the two are forced to share a room, forced to talk to each other, and forced to re evaluate many of the decisions they have made. 6460 words, complete.

Marvelously I am no longer sure you know by Randominternetstranger Clarke is stoked to be part of an artwork by Anya Van Der Wald. At least, she is until she discovers who she is going to be posing with. 5135 words, complete.

Day 4: Fake Dating

We were pretending, until we weren't by almostafantasia When Clarke asks Lexa to pretend to be her girlfriend at a party to make her ex-boyfriend jealous, it is simultaneously the best and worst moment of Lexa’s life. But even though her feelings and her closest friendship are on the line, Lexa finds herself complaining less and less as the night goes on, especially when Clarke’s affection continues long after Finn has left. 5879 words, complete.

Slippery Slopes and Other Logical Fallacies by exfactor A fake fake-dating AU. The only thing better than pretending to be a couple to go to a couples-only resort is to actually be a couple. 2587 words, complete.

This Is Going To Be Way Easier Than I Thought by LostInMyThoughts Clarke's mom is worried about her after dreaming that she is struggling. So to convince her that she is doing ok she tells her that she is in a relationship with her best friend Lexa and she has been helping her take care of her son. Lexa knows she is going to regret agreeing to Clarke's charade. 2697 words, complete.

Something's gained in living every day by whyyesitscar In the midst of finals, Raven plots to set Clarke and Lexa up on a date to relieve their stress. 10529 words, complete.

After Hours by hlnwst Lexa has been working for Clarke for three years and they have a great professional relationship. Clarke's mother had a fundraiser and is hinting that Clarke should have a date... 3913 words, complete.

I Loved You All My Life by AnneTyrell During their fake date, Lexa gets jealous and truth spilleth...

Let's Pretend by FirstAde “How about, for tonight, you’re my date? Pretend we’re together, and you can help me take these suckers to the cleaners and build a new oncology wing in the process. I’m sure you love a good swindling, Miss CEO.” “I won’t even try to deny that, Doc.” Lexa chuckled. “It sounds like a fun. Besides, it’s for the children, right?” Lexa and Clarke meet at a hospital benefit gala. It's more "Fake date" than "Fake dating" which makes a difference, I think. 3568 words, complete.

One Wrong Number by dreaming_wide_awake Clarke gets a new phone and texts Raven, though as she hadn't backed up her numbers she reaches someone else. 5000 words, complete.

A Very Griffin Fake Christmas by MaloryArcher The Griffin family is convinced that Clarke and Lexa are dating, and, eventually, it seems easier for both women to go with it than it would be to make a plausible case for denial. 9135 words, complete.

Superlative by eternaleponine Clarke does not want to go to her high school reunion alone. Lexa needs an excuse not to attend a wedding. They get fixed up by mutual friends...what could possibly go wrong? 3763 words, in progress.

I'll Be Your Girlfriend by RedBeautyFTW Lexa gets approached by a beautiful stranger with an even stranger request... 1026 words, complete.

She's a Real Peach by eluigih Not wanting to attend her mother's wedding alone, Clarke hires Lexa to be her girlfriend (Lexa is very good at her job) 4933 words, in progress.

PCH Cruising by Oxymoronicalism Lexa recruits Clarke as her Girlfriend in order to avoid unwanted attention on surf trip down the California coastline, but she learns that maybe talking about our feelings and being direct with people is a good way to communicate (lol i guess im not familiar) 3000 words, complete.

Day 5: Alternate Canon/Canon Divergence

Of Stars and Earth by dreamsaremywords "She tastes like the earth. That is Lexa’s first thought, when Clarke shoves her back against the table and their mouths clash together so hard it hurts." 4339 words, complete.

You see through my hardened face by theperipheral The blockade works and the grounders have come to Arkadia to negotiate terms. Clarke and Lexa begin to come to terms with the fact that they can't escape their feelings. 11,442 words, complete.

It's All Going To Be Ok (You're Not Alone) by Sixtu16 It's been a year since Lexa died. Clarke stares at the night sky. She misses Lexa, she's grieving and this is a special night. Or the tribute to the two most beautiful love stories on the show. 2633 words, complete.

Without you (I'd never make it out alive) by tacohashi Lexa lives for Clarke. 1434 words, complete.

Day 5 by 100hearteyes As she hears Clarke heave a heavy sigh of relief, Lexa lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Then she wishes she could suck it back in when Clarke’s flaring gaze turns on her. “What the hell were you thinking?!” Against each and every one of her instincts and teachings, Lexa starts. In her defense, angry Clarke is downright terrifying. “I was saving you, Clarke.” Her voice is calm — always calm.

Day 5 Alternate Canon They head to the door and Clarke rests her hand on the handle. “I will come back.” She doesn’t know whether it is something she truly believes or needs to try to believe in order to survive the distance. Leaving Lexa is proving even more difficult than she expected. “I’m sorry I resisted for so long. I’m sorry I didn’t give us more time.” The tiny, sad smile on Lexa’s lips says all. “It takes as long as it takes.”

As we're becoming home by gangsteroyster @jroth your canon is stupid and it's not canon anymore 9108 words, in progress.

Alive by AnneTyrell It was all just a dream...

Healing by FirstAde What should have happened after season 2. 3550 words, complete.

Someday by dreaming_wide_awake The battle for Polis had been fought and won, Ontari was dead, Luna was guiding the Coalition. Yet Clarke had still never felt so alone. Though she is not alone as someone is watching over her from the shadows. 2621 words, complete.

Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die. by gillywulf Lexa learns what "death is not the end" really means. 1762 words, complete.

Coming back to you by almostafantasia After being shot by Titus, Lexa is visited by some familiar faces on her way into the afterlife who helped her to realize that maybe there are things worth fighting against death for. 1904 words, complete.

Two Thrones by RaeDMagdon Clarke can't look at Lexa without burning. She can't look at that face, black streaks smeared around green eyes, jaw as straight and hard as a blade, without her teeth clenching and her nails biting into her palms. (She remembers Lexa's lips, so soft and warm against hers). 1582 words, complete.

Expect the Unexpected by KTM250 Story about Lexa and Clarke and the decisions they make as they navigate politics and other dangers. Canon Divergence (some things follow established story line) Out of character! 7042 words, complete.

We don't talk very much (we just fake being nice) by cori_the_bloody "Though she’d literally fallen from the sky, Clarke never felt like an alien on earth till she’d started living in Polis." Clarke's trying to put aside her past and her anger so she can adjust to her new life. Lexa wants to help, but she has to earn Clarke's trust back first. Set after "Ye Who Enter Here." 30,031 words, in progress.

The First Time They Saw Each Other...The Real Story by MovieWocher Skaikru wanted to negotiate and sent an ambassador to meet with the Commander. The Commander wasn't having any of it until she laid her eyes on the girl. This story tells what really happened the first time they met. 698 words, complete.

Birthright by Zire_7 It hadn't happened in two hundred and fifty years and it was more a precaution that she was told than anything else. But when did that ever stop fate from throwing Clarke a curve ball or two. At least this time she welcomed the latest turn her life was taking... 8995, in progress.

Valentine's Day On The Ground by withoutapast Humorous AU: Lexa tries to woo Clarke by learning the customs of her people.

You Make Me Feel This Way by withoutapast AU: The 100 came down followed shortly by The Ark. Skaikru and Trikru didn’t get embroiled in war or forge an alliance with one another before the Mountain fell. Clarke gets captured by Azgeda then delivered to Lexa. 9059 words, complete.

The 100: Like Hell I Do by pirateboots A canon-divergence fix-it fic starting from the last 10 minutes of 307 and carrying on through to a finale with a very alive Commander Lexa. The bullet passes cleanly through Lexa and gives her a fighting chance to survive. Once the danger has passed, Clarke must leave for Arkadia before the blockade goes into effect. When she arrives, she finds her people almost unrecognisable both thanks to Pike's influence and the suspicious effect Jaha's City of Light chips are having on those who choose to take them. Can she save her people? 130,793 words, complete.

The 100: Same as Me by pirateboots Sequel to The 100: Like Hell I Do and a replacement for S4 of the show. A year has passed since Lexa retook her throne. In that time, the Kongeda has enjoyed peace and the signs can be seen everywhere. Arkadia and the Sky people are finally flourishing on the ground, guided by their new Chancellor and by Bandrona Clarke. But the unexpected arrival of Luna threatens to throw the Kongeda back into chaos, and the world is about to get a lot bigger. New factions move in the shadows and threats come from the most unexpected directions. The peace that Clarke and Lexa have forged together may not survive the fallout and all the while, the pair must guide their personal relationships, both with each other and with their friends, through the murky waters. 129,912 words, in progress.

Something's gained in living every day by whyyesitscar Clarke and Lexa adjust to their places in a world of burgeoning peace. 10,529 words, complete.

Morning by anddirtyrain This is morning for them. The quiet rustling of sheets. Sighs. The sunlight streaming brightly through the windows, invading the peaceful sanctuary that is their bed. Their bodies intertwined as they fight through the layers of sleep, slowly, like thick honey moving inside a jar. They like to pretend they have all the time in the world.

Darkest Before the Dawn by Aethena02 The war grinds on for Lexa and the rebellion. With Azgeda in pursuit, Lexa finds that not only does she battle the enemy and discontent among her generals, but also the temptation to abandon her duty. Meanwhile, in Arkadia, Clarke plays a dangerous game of her own, walking a fine line between two factions in an attempt to find allies. A dangerous gamble pays off, and she finds out the truth behind the City of Light is even worse than anyone imagined.Heda and Wanheda find themselves on a collision course with their enemies...and each other. 41,100 words, in progress.

Sea Salve by Oxymoronicalism Lexa is shot in the head, and during in the turmoil that erupts within Polis, Clarke and Aden flee with her to the Boat People. Under Luna’s refuge, the stranded family tries to heal. 1400 words, complete.

Feral Love by VolatileVision Rewrite of episode 3x03 - Before Clarke can even think about bowing before Lexa, she needs to be convinced that Lexa won’t betray her again. But it doesn't quite go the way she had planned... 6727 words, complete.

Day 6: Friends to Lovers

The World Had Less Color Without You by DreamsAreMyWords When Lexa loses Costia, she also loses the ability to see in color. She thinks she'll never see again, but then a very pretty girl is assigned as her partner for her group project, and suddenly she can see snatches of blue and gold and other colors no matter how hard she pretends she can't... 13,821 words, complete.

You're My Person by dreaming_wide_awake Clarke and Lexa have been friends since their first day of college, and 5 years later that friendship is still going strong. But both of them feel a lot more than simple 'friend love' for the other, neither wants to risk what they have on the off chance that the other feels the same way. 2,317 words, complete.

Something's gained in living every day by whyyesitscar Clarke and Lexa reunite after breaking up in high school.

Always by K17L53 Clarke and Lexa were friends since they were 5 and their friendship slowly developed into something more. And they had been together for a few years now. But when things were going so well, when things were about to get better really, something went…very wrong. Clarke died. And this fic is Lexa thinking back to them and their relationship; how they got best friends to lovers. 2,440 words, complete.

If you asked... by FirstAde Clarke and Lexa have been friends for basically their whole lives. This is the story of them from 8 years old to 28 years old. 8,518 words, complete.

Like one of your french girls by almostafantasia Ever the queen of procrastination, Clarke has left the assignment for her life drawing class to the last minute and found herself without a model. Enter Lexa, because apparently posing naked for each other is something that friends do...

Day 7- Free Day

the way you've got me under your spell (don't you keep it all to yourself) brokendevil “You should text me to let me know you've arrived safe. I’ll worry otherwise,” you offer instead and she looks at you like she can’t believe that what you’ve said is real. You’re not entirely sure what it is that you’ve done to earn that look but it feels nice. “I mean, if you want to.” “I want to,” Lexa assures you and for some reason your heart begins to pound. “You have my number. I’m still holding out for that day that you make the first move, nerd.” 13,538 words, complete.

Stealing kisses by onemilliongoldstars Clarke is an overachieving chess nerd, while Lexa leads the champoinship winning track team. They steal kisses behind the bookshelves and in the bathrooms and hopes that their friends won't realise that their shirts as askew and their lipstick is smudged. 4009 words, complete.

Love Will Find A Way, If You Want It To by doubleolesbian Penitent Lexa tries to tame the temperamental lion that is Clarke Griffin and prays that her best friend will be merciful. 1721 words, complete. http://archiveofourown.org/works/10048412

When you hit me with the ooh by thecrackshiplollipop Snapchat probably wasn't created to help you find love, but sometimes it just works out that way. 13,106 words, complete.

Collide by Shipperony10 Clarke decides to attend a music festival not knowing she might be crossing paths with exactly the one person she needs in her life. 11,291 words, complete.

Double Blind by exfactor Anya sets Lexa up on a blind date. 4442 words, complete.

How Times Have Changed by CorvusCorvidae Clarke makes an offhanded comment in an interview about having a crush on the girl she hated in high school, and things spiral from there. 9133 words, complete.

Last Woman Standing by Geyranger When people think about war, they tend to think about soldiers, guns, generals and battles. Few ever think about logistics, about the basic human needs which still needs to be met for the soldiers to be able to fight. Food. Water. Sanitary facilities, that sort of thing. Yet they are equally important as ammunition and infantry, and wars have been won over them. That notion probably didn’t do much to cheer up Roan Azgheda when he went to the men’s bathroom about thirty minutes later, and got ambushed by two girls hiding in a bathroom stall. Three nerf gun darts stuck to his forehead and Lexa’s plastic knife held to his throat, he swore loudly and gave up his piece of paper to Lexa before stalking out of the room. or The murder-assassin game AU you always knew you needed 8590 words, complete.

Regalia by lexaw Dear Clarke, If you are reading this letter, then it is safe to say I have failed in explaining the situation before you stormed out. I have prepared the box in the event this happens. Your mother has informed me that I should expect this behavior, but I had hoped you would be patient enough to see reason. Inside this box, as you already know, is a suit. In two months' time, I will need to introduce you to the parliament of Polis as the remaining living heir. The slightly older, more mature Princess Diaries AU 9957 words, in progress

Bashful Creatures by LostHeda She stalled for a second, why was she here? Yeah, I just wanted to see you again. No. “Uh,” why did she falter so much around this girl? Her usually confident bravado seemed to be left at the street corner the second she walked through those glass doors. “I just thought that Fish might like some things while he stays here, so he doesn't, you know, get lonely or something.”

Or the one where Lexa can't figure out why she keeps returning to the Animal Shelter she had dropped off a stray puppy, maybe it was the blonde owner who worked the front desk or maybe it was because she had finally found a connection with something other than another person. 6865 words, complete.

Life's Priorities by Clexa15 After Detective Lexa Woods thinks she and her team took down one of the biggest drug distribution warehouses in the city she soon comes to learn that it's not what she thinks it is. When one of the largest drug lords in the country is out to get her Lexa does all she can to keep those around her safe, even the blue eyed, golden haired beauty that keeps waking her up in the middle of the night. 107,458 words, in progress.

The Doctor by Commander_Snow Lexa finds herself in the hospital after being hit by a car while she was drunk, she hates everything about hospitals, except maybe the cute doctor. Clarke is nervous about her first day as a doctor but things are going well, that is, until she is faced with her first patient who just happens to be some sort of Greek goddess. Or Clarke and Lexa meet as doctor and patient, after Lexa leaves the hospital, life continues. 15,093 words, complete.

Til the day I die by casualheda Lexa and Clarke travel to Azgeda but things don't go quite as planned. 5536 words, complete.

Can You See Me? by clexawarrior After blowing up a bridge full of Grounders, Clarke makes it her mission to nurse one surviving warrior back to health. Lexa, the survivor, wakes up to find herself alone in the camp of the enemy, wanting nothing more than to be returned to her own people. Until she realizes that she might not want that anymore. Canon up until 1x10 56,288 words, in progress.

Fleimstika by PersephoneSleeps Ever since the Ark fell to Earth one hundred years earlier Skaikru and Trikru have been locked in a bitter territorial war. Abby Griffin, Skaikru's Chancellor, is desperate to cement her legacy by having her daughter follow in her footsteps. What better way to build her daughter's prestige than to give her the legendary commander of the united clans as her own? 5066 words, in progress.

To the moon and back (an ever increasing gap) by betteronpaper clarke doesn't know concepts or definitions as a child and lexa doesn't really care so long as she's with clarke or that childhood friends to dating to married au when in kindy, that kinda turns into a Thing as they grow up and fall completely in love basically they're adorable 3255 words, in progress.

Teach Me How To... by Writing_is_my_jam123 On the surface, it may seem like Clarke is the one needing help, but can she help Lexa with her own problems too? 8166 words, complete.

Say You Won't Let Go by jesuisemily Detective Lexa Woods has been part of the police department for six years. The law has been her whole life, in which she took after her cousin, Anya Woods. Then, on an unfortunate event, the law was all she had. From then on, she swore never to endanger anyone else just for the simple action of loving them. Yet, what happens when an outgoing bodacious blue-eyed blonde enters her life unexpectedly, just to tear her motto apart? 3654 words, in progress.

The Flame and The Dame by TheDoctorSmith Lexa Woods is a PI with a tragic past. Clarke is a lounge singer whose best friend, ace reporter Raven Reyes, has disappeared while investigating a shadowy organisation involved with kidnapped scientists, mobsters and a mysterious object that might be creating its own reality. Together, Clarke and Lexa will find themselves caught up in a strange journey through the dangerous underground world of the Weather Men. Who are they - and what is The Flame? 2489 words, in progress.

More Women than Warriors by steklir 'Before you,' he said, 'you can see more women than warriors. Cowardly, unarmed, they will give up the moment they see the weapons and bravery of their conquerors who have given them such a drubbing so many times before.' (Tacitus, Annals XIV.36) The first time Clarke sees the Head Girl she’s sitting on a throne, presiding over her dominion with a piercing stare and a crown of braids in her hair. Her warriors are spread at her feet, a multitude of them, all long-haired and wild and clad in identical brown regalia. There’s something of the sacred about her, like the crimson cloak draped across her shoulders and her divinity are one and the same. Or at least it feels that way. British girls' boarding school AU. Obviously. 140310 words, in progress.

Suffrage by stringingwords In which The 20th century has just begun. London is bustling with budding inventions, grand soirees, rumors of war, and inequality. Growing tired of being considered property, women are rallying across the country in favor of their right to vote. Clarke, Raven, and Octavia are scrappy suffragists determined to make the change happen. They find an unexpected ally in Lady Alexandra Woolcott, a noblewoman in the enemies' camp. Or the fic about Clexa taking down the patriarchy you may have known you needed. 38961 words, in progress.

Breaking News: It Only Took Me 30 Days by LostInMyThoughts Clarke Griffin has just been hired to co-anchor WPLS's highest rated news broadcast. On her first day she meets Lexa Woods, the producer of the show and she is immediately take by her. Lexa has been producing the same show for a over a year now but there is something about her new anchor that she can't explain. What becomes of their relationship in just a months worth of time? 2708 words, in progress.

Them Troublemakers by AnonBeMe "...you really don't want to tell him that you can't take your eyes off the lead singer, that her raspy voice echoes in your bones and her adorable dimples make your knees wobble. You don't want to tell him because you're not ready to be with anyone. Not yet." OR The AU in which Lexa is a single-parent widow, Clarke is running from her past and together they’re terrible at taking things slow. 8965 words, in progress.

Tzigane by almostafantasia The last thing that Clarke wants to wake up to after a big night out is the sound of her next door neighbour practicing the violin. When she confronts her neighbour about the racket coming from her apartment, Clarke gets more than she bargained for. In which Clarke is beyond hungover and Lexa is very talented with her fingers. 3191 words, complete.

Just One More Night (at the end of the world) by imincharge Every night Elyza and Alicia find a new place to stay, every night Alicia looks at this calendar. But why this piece of paper matters if it's the end of the world? 2482 words, complete.

Commander of the Blood by AeonUS Clarke fell to earth and struggles for survival in a strange new world. A supernatural being saves her from death. Will Clarke see Lexa as something more than the just The Commander of Blood? 2055, in progress.

I Am Nobody’s Pet pt 2 by dreaming_wide_awake Lexa continues to learn about the 'new world' though she is thoroughly confused about bdsm and how they managed to get tiny dinosaurs into the television set. We're also introduced to a new character when Anya follows Clarke home from the hospital. Continuation of the Vampire!Lexa story. 2077 words, complete.

Art

Day 1 Royalty AU by elphnow

Lexa smiling by dejectedlamb

Day 1 by WaitingForShow

Clexaweek by Gibbedshep

Day 1 by blueinspace

Day 1 by girlsrunningwildunderthemoon

Vigilante Lexa and her candles by waitingforshow

Clexaweek by SwanHeda

Childhood AU by turtleduckie

Day 2 Roommates Fencer AU by elphnow

Day 2 Roommates music major!Lexa and art major! Clarke by mj-draws

Moodboard for "bids,bargaining,beginnings"by without-fear-and-grief

Stuck Together by waitingforshow

Roommates by waitingforshow

A soft epilogue by gibbedshep

Clexaweek by without-fear-and-grief

Moodboard for "One Wrong Number" by without-fear-and-grief

Fake Dating Rebels AU by elphnow

Moodboard for Our Hearts Have Minds of Their Own by alisbitch

Red String of Fate witch au by blueinspace

Stuck Together Demon AU by alphacommander

Stuck Together Pun by waitingforshow

College Roommates by dejectedlamb

Clexaweek by thecrimsonknight

Athlete Lexa 1 by zee014

Fake Dating by waitingforshow

Winter Days by elphnow

Fake Dating Demon AU by alphacommander

Fake Dating AU by blueinspace

The Huntress and the Forest Guardian by elphnow

Moodboard for "Of Stars and Earth" by without-fear-and-grief

Athlete Lexa 2 by zee014

We Miss Lexa by mercutia81

Childhood Sweethearts AU by elphnow

Lexark by elphnow

Friends to Lovers by mj-draws

I can't help falling in love with you by turtleduckie

The Battle by waitingforshow

Collect the moments by turtleduckie

Lexark by blueinspace

Moodboard for "Superlative" by without-fear-and-grief

Moodboard for "Your roommate" by without-fear-and-grief

Fish the Dog wants to join by gibbedshep

Dapper Dandy Lexa by zee014

Fake Dating Social Media AU by k17l53

Flower Queen Lexa by sluttyunicorn13

Fanbook

Salt, Honey, and Blood by Aethena02 and Yakustarburst

Fanvid

Clexa Who Knew- Lexa is our Hero by SoraYagami

Invincible by Mercurialdreams

Music

Lexa version by woladnama

Clarke version by woladnama

ClexaHalloweenWeek Masterlist

#Clexaweek2017 #Clexa #Clexa fic rec #Clexa fanfic #Clexa art #Clarke x Lexa #Clarke/Lexa #Clarklexa #Masterlist #Clexaweek Masterlist

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disx2000-blog · 5 years ago

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Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp REVIEW

This game has become kind of irrelevant by now, but whatever! I still play it daily, and I’m gonna review Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp because I want to, dammit! So after New Leaf hit the 3DS in 2013, the Animal Crossing series has been on a string of spinoffs and side games, with the Wii U not even getting a mainline installment. The first two spinoffs, being Happy Home Designer and amiibo Festival, were admittedly pretty lame (ESPECIALLY amiibo Festival). So will this 3rd spinoff on mobile be another dud, or do we finally have a good game on our hands? Let’s get into it! Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp is by far the closest to a mainline game the spinoffs have gotten. Pocket Camp is exactly like it sounds- a pocket-sized version of the Animal Crossing we all know and love! I’m surprised at how well the game captured the essence of the gameplay of the series, while at the same time not devaluing the mainline games! Most of the main things in an Animal Crossing experience are there, such as… Furniture/decorating! The main objective in the game is to deck out your campsite with a bunch of cool stuff for visiting animals to chill out in! A lot of the furniture from the main games is here, but with a new twist- you can craft furniture! Instead of waiting for something to pop up at Nook’s Cranny one day, you can simply have Cyrus craft whatever you need, as long as you have the materials. This really makes the game feel more controllable, which might turn off some hardcore fans, but personally I love it! I just want to make the perfect setup with a little bit of labor, and crafting is the perfect solution to that! It takes away a little of the grind-y luck that the series has been plagued with, and makes it a lot more enjoyable overall. And besides the campsite you can decorate your very own motorhome! You can have a custom paint job done on the outside, and decorate the inside with your favorite furniture! And, in classic Animal Crossing fashion, you can expand the space and in your motorhome and add more floors by taking out and paying off loans! It’s a cool way to add a pinch of personal spice to the game, and it’s a nice retooling of the classic Animal Crossing staple! But where do you get the materials? From the animals of course, ya big dummy! Helping animals by giving them fruit, bugs, fish, or seashells will grant you with crafting materials like wood or cotton, as well as bells. This creates a nice reward system for helping animals and getting some nice furniture in return! Besides gaining materials, helping the animals also raises your separate friendship level with each of them. And each time your friendship levels up, you get bonus materials and special rewards like that villager’s shirt or their portrait. And leveling them up also allows them to move into your campsite, so you can craft the perfect little community! But, to have them move in, you also have to craft certain furniture that they like, which is my first complaint about the game. If I want a certain villager to move in, I have to craft furniture for them, which most of the time isn’t all that cool! So I make a bunch of shit for someone to move in, only to hide it the second they settle down because it doesn’t fit my tastes! I get that from a design standpoint this makes sense (because there needs to be a little more work to have an animal move it to make it feel earned), but there must’ve been a better way to remedy that. And so as a result of that, I don’t really like most of my furniture, because I’d rather use my materials to make things for villagers than something that I personally like! I just wish these two aspects of the game weren’t as supplementary to each other. To meet and help out the animals, they randomly show up at four locations every 3 hours. These include a tropical island, a beach, a riverside, and an orchard. And all of these locations cover how you get the things the animals want, such as fruit and fish. Having this relationship of gaining supplies that the animals want is really smart, and also makes the game feel less like a chore (sometimes). And besides the four spots, there is a little market, a quarry, and a mechanic shop for your motorhome. The market is fine for getting clothes, but the furniture they provide there is never good, and I think it’s all uncraftable, so no animals never want it either. And I found out early on that the quarry is useless, because you have to use Leaf tickets or gain support from 5 friends to even gain access. And when you do get in, the rewards are shitty, with the most you’ll ever earn being like 1000 bells or 5 bundles of wood. And the mechanic shop just lets you paint your vehicle and expand, so it’s pretty self-explanatory. And since I brought up Leaf tickets, I guess I should cover those. Leaf tickets are how this game makes money, because like most other mobile games, they cost real money through micro-transactions. You can use them to speed up crafting times (which takes real-time hours) mainly. BUT, Leaf tickets can also be acquired in-game through achievements and such, and so I personally never had any reason to buy them. I’ve proudly spent $0 on this game, and it’s given me hours and hours of enjoyment! And I also mentioned friends earlier, which is yet another aspect of the game! You can exchange friend codes with people you know, or meet strangers at the four locations animals hang out at! Having a lot of friends is a lot more beneficial than Super Mario Run, because they expand the game a lot! As mentioned earlier, friends can help you get into the quarry, but besides that, they can also visit your campsite and give you kudos, which makes you pop up in more people’s games and gives you more exposure to make new friends! But, more important than that, it also grants you access to their market boxes. Each player has a couple of market boxes where they can sell supplies like fish or fruit for any price they set! This makes it a lot easier to get some hard-to-find supplies to give to an animal villager to gain your friendship level! And because there isn’t much to spend your bells on besides loans, the market boxes are a great way of making the game less frustrating and grind-y! One thing I forgot to mention is that you also have an overall player level separate from the friendship levels. This goes up when you gain friendship levels, and this brings the best rewards by far! When you level up, you can gain Leaf tickets, bells, new craftable furniture, but most importantly… access to new villagers! For the first 30 or so levels this really kept me enticed to play and level up, because I wanted to get my favorite villagers! But, notice how I said the first 30 or so levels. That’s because after a certain cutoff, leveling up doesn’t give you access to new villagers! This is really lame, and probably my least favorite thing about the game. There isn’t much reason to level up once all of the villagers have been unlocked, and even worse, there aren’t very many cool villagers! I know that’s a very individualistic complaint, but there are like 2 or 3 really awesome villagers, while the rest range from okay to borderline atrocious. There are still so many villagers not in this game that I have no idea why they cut you off so early! Luckily they introduce new villagers through updates, but it sucks because they’re just immediately accessible and don’t tie to your level at all! I hope they add more level-up-based animal villagers to really make me want to level up, but as is, I hate it. Also added in the update is a new gardening feature, which I personally don’t understand the appeal of. It involves cross-breeding and watering and harvesting and… ugh. It’s too convoluted for my simple mind. The graphics, UI, controls, music, and sound design are all what you’d expect and great as always. The polish in the dialogue is also as strong as ever, So far, it might seem like this is a 8, maybe a 9 out of 10 game, right? Well, there is one final gripe I have with the game that more general and spreads throughout the entire experience. The whole game doesn’t really have that Animal Crossing mood. What I mean is, this game is very routine, predictable, and manageable. And while I think this helps the game in some aspects, it really muddles the game down and makes it not really feel like a true Animal Crossing experience. Pocket Camp lacks that aura of mystery, that sense that you’re not in complete control of everything and the comfort that comes packaged with that. I know that this is a mobile game so it should be snappy and easy, but I kinda miss that real, raw feeling prevalent in the mainline games. Friendship levels and Leaf tickets kind of go against the series’ mentality. This isn’t really a game you can whittle at for years; instead it’s a quick, personalized experience that feels a little too tailored for you. I wish it was just a little more Animal Crossing-y in that way.

But overall, I liked Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp. It managed to capture the main gameplay of the series in a fun, easy-to-use mobile package. Crafting furniture is a very cool concept that I hope gets transferred into the main series, and some of the transformations made to have this game on mobile are smart, especially with the friend system. But, the game lacks that Animal Crossing feeling of uncertainty and going with the flow, industrializing and cannibalising almost every aspect of the game. So with everything I mentioned in my review taken into account, I’m going to give Pocket Camp a 7.3/10. It’s definitely my favorite mobile game Nintendo has made so far, but this game made it more obvious than ever that I REALLY want a new mainline Animal Crossing game on the Switch.

Posted by Captain Luigi on 2018-01-07 00:39:21

Tagged: , Animal , Crossing , Pocket , Camp , REVIEW , mobile , nintendo , app

The post Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp REVIEW appeared first on Good Info.

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ohhimatt · 7 years ago

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Reasons Why #201-250

201. You tried to teach Dan about how prostitute is a slur, and seeing you care about something I care about was actually so amazing. I honestly almost cried a little bit, but I couldn’t because drugs. If I had been sober or just drunk though, I would have cried

202. Alex always says that you change personalities completely and smile more when I’m around, and if that’s not the most adorable thing, then I don’t know what is

203. Okay yeah I’m mega overwhelmed right now about everything surrounding Coachella, but the only thing keeping me from having a full on panic attack over this is the fact that I know that no matter what happens I’m going to have a good time because I’m going to be there with you

204. You offer to put my things in your pockets at concerts and festivals, which is beyond helpful, especially since I apparently don’t know how the pockets in a camelbak work

205. You always keep snacks around your house for me or let me grab snacks at the grocery store that I can actually eat (and also Cheese Nips), which is fab because I can’t eat normal people things

206. I feel like most of the time when I’m filling out the gratitude section in my planner I end up writing in something about you

207. You drove us home from Coachella when I made the dumb decision to only sleep for an hour the night before, and then you didn’t get mad at me for sleeping for half of the time

208. You always offered to walk me back to my campsite, which I definitely wasn’t going to allow you to do because it was so far, but it was a really sweet gesture

209. I really did kinda try to start a minor fight over the group message thing, and you just apologized. You just didn’t even let me start the fight. Wow. But also wow thanks

210. You added me to the group message after I complained about it, which didn’t matter at all because nobody said anything in it after that, but it was nice

211. You reminded me to bring my Coachella ticket. Oh my god I was really going to leave without my ticket. What is wrong with me?

212. For the most part, we wanted to see the same people play at Coachella, and I really don’t mind compromising on things like this, but the fact that I didn’t have to was also amazing

213. You stuck around with Lauren and me when she was dealing with her coke sadness and having her credit card information stolen and her identity compromised, and you really could have just gone off and done your own thing, but you stayed, and that was really nice

214. You weren’t having a great time on acid, but you still dealt with me saying things like “I kinda want to die” and “I just feel really sorry for everyone who isn’t me right now.”

215. When I really wanted to go home, the home that I was thinking of was your home, and I’m going to be lame really quick and quote one of my favorite songs from like middle school(?) anyway.. It says “If home is where the heart is, then my home is where you are.” I used to sing along to that all the time, and I would hope that someday I would feel that way about someone, and I finally do. I finally understand the feeling behind that song lyric, and I’ve been dreaming of that feeling since middle school

216. I never have to worry about being honest with you about things. If I want to leave or if I feel weird or uncomfortable, I can just tell you

217. You don’t get weird when I let guys hit on me so that I can get free stuff

218. You don’t get weird about guys hitting on me in general. This has always been a problem I’ve had in past relationships, and considering it’s something that’s out of my control, it’s really nice that I don’t have to worry about getting in trouble over it

219. You make me feel better when I’m literally crying because I’m afraid of one of my teachers

220. I now associate Philz coffee with seeing you because I only really go when I’m in Berkeley, so now no matter where or when I get Philz it just tastes better because it makes me think of you. I know that probably sounds lame, but idc

221. I’ve stolen some of my favorite songs from your playlists, which means that on top of the fact that these songs are great, they make me think of you when I hear them, and that makes them even better

222. I’m not sure if this really counts, but it should count. I feel like the universe had some sort of master plan by putting our six month anniversary on Cal Day because that’s cute af and also v coincidental

223. You were really able to pump me up enough to take shots while power walking through the desert to the entrance to Coachella. That sounds like the worst thing ever. Plastic vodka mixed with heat mixed with exercise, but it was cool because it was with you

224. You will literally just toss compliments around in our conversations for no reason. For. No. Reason. It’s sweet though

225. The only thing I ever really have to be annoyed with you about is how often you compliment me. There really isn’t anything bad about you. Wow

226. I always feel like whenever you take acid you’re going to have some sort of realization that you don’t like me anymore, but you don’t. And I don’t know whether or not it’s on purpose, but you always seem to be much more reassuring about your feelings towards me the next day, and that’s really nice

227. You keep offering to help me pay for things, including formal, and that’s super super not necessary, but it is nice knowing that you’re willing to help

228. You don’t get weird about me hanging out with your friends without you, and it’s super weird to me that that is even possible. I spend so much time at your house, so obviously I’m gong to develop friendships with other people who live there or hang out there all the time, and you’re okay with this, and you don’t think I’m trying to steal your friends

229. We can do our own things, and that’s okay. I didn’t feel like you were going to get mad at me for doing something else while you were still at Chi Psi playing beer die, which is great because I suck at beer die

230. You have given me the gift of littles. My littles are my pride and joy, and I wouldn’t have Sachin or Ken without you. Wow

231. You ate my egg off of my avocado toast for me. This is a good relationship. I can eat the pickles off of your sandwiches at Chick-fil-a, and you can eat the eggs off of my toast. I couldn’t think of a better trade

232. You don’t make fun of me or get weirded out when I cry about little things that I shouldn’t cry about like a joke about us breaking up. I still don’t know why that really made me cry. I’m weak

233. You helped me get my EDC ticket for cheaper than I was planning on getting it for by asking Max to sell his to me. You’re a gem because I’m broke right now

234. You got me started on these stupid facebook games, and I don’t know if this is good or bad because I’m wasting my day, but also it’s kinda entertaining

235. You listen to the songs that I send you. It would be super easy for you to just pretend that you like them and lie to me, but you don’t do that, and it probably helps that we like the same music, but it’s still nice

236. This is going to sound corny af, but I used to listen to love songs and think that the people writing or singing them or whatever were just singing about this made up fantasy love that couldn’t be real at all, and I just thought they were sad and dumb and whatever, but now I like them. So thanks for making these songs make sense. I feel like there’s a whole new world of music I can participate in now

237. You’re fucking adorable at concerts/shows/festivals. Adorable. More than normal, which I didn’t think as possible

238. Okay maybe I’m overstepping some boundary here (but we never set a boundary for this, so I feel like I’m totally allowed to be doing this) but some of my favorite people in my life are in it because of you. I really do love your friends, and obviously I can’t imagine a version of my life without you in it, but I also can’t imagine a version of my life without them in it. So I know I’ve made a few points on this list about your friends already, but they (and you) are just all really cool people, and I’m glad they (and you) are in my life

239. You’re the same way as I am about sharing things, and I just really appreciate the people in my life who share things because I just feel like it’s a good character trait

240. I’m not sure if this belongs on the list or not, but I’m putting it here and also probably making a separate post about it. I lowkey understand where Irlanda is coming from as a crazy ex now because like.. I’m not saying I would attack any future girlfriend you might have (okay but I also hope you never have any future girlfriends besides me sorry) on social media, but I totally get why she’s so upset. I would def be super sad if I ever lost you. It makes sense

241. When I was talking to Stephen in his room on Cal Day I was genuinely able to say that you were the best thing that could have happened to me in the past year, and I’m so happy that you came into my life via Stephen

242. When I wake up craving fries, we get fries. Amazing. Wow. Little things

243. I absolutely love the video of you that I keep adding to. Like I smile just thinking about it, so it’s obviously very important to me that I keep adding to it, but I forget to take videos of all of the stuff we do or I’ll only take one or two because I’m having so much fun with you that I forget about the fact that I want to keep adding to my video, but like I’m not complaining. This is def a good thing

244. We keep doing things that are fun enough to be worth adding to the video. Obviously I’m going to have fun no matter what we’re doing because I’m spending time with you, but I really do feel like every week there’s a new adventure or a new thing to do

245. You don’t hate on my weird gluten free snacks, and you actually eat them with me. This is rad. I feel like less of a problem when you can also enjoy my food

246. Adding on to the last one, I feel like you’re always trying to make sure that there will be something that I can eat whenever we go out somewhere, which normally I don’t care about because I’m going out to eat something that tastes good not something that makes me feel good, but it’s still a really nice gesture, and I appreciate it

247. You’ve started to text me good morning fairly often, which is really sweet. It’s also nice because most of the time I want to text you when I wake up, but that’s usually at least a couple hours before I expect you to be up, so I try not to unless I have something that I feel like I really need to say to you right then

248. You always apologize to me during coke talks because I tend to listen much more than I talk, and this is super not necessary because even though I don’t always look like it, I’m definitely having a good time just listening to what everybody is saying. But it’s still sweet that you notice that I’m not participating and try to make sure I’m still solid

249. I never feel like I’ve run out of things to talk about with you, and we’re always talking. I just feel like I could have a conversation about literally anything, and it would be fine because I’m talking to you

250. I know I made a post about this already on one of my other tumblrs, but I don’t know how often you check any of my tumblrs, and it really is worth its own number on the list anyway, but it’s really soft, so I’m gonna need you to not make fun of me for this one or be like omg Michaela what’s wrong with you because I don’t know honestly, okay? But anyway.. I really felt like loving anyone after Tony was impossible or at least ultimately going to ruin my idea of love even more because comparing any potential new love to what I believed was an ideal love (only because there was no time for it to ruined by one of us) just wouldn’t be fair. But this just feels different, and maybe it’s because I grew up thinking that all love was abusive, and you’re just supposed to choose the one that hurts the least, but idk. I just don’t even feel like I can compare how I feel now to how I’ve ever felt with someone before, and like yeah I know it’s only been six months, but it’s been a long six months for me, and okay this honestly was a lot to put all into just one number on the list, and I feel like it may or may not make sense, and there’s definitely some rambling going on here, and there are a lot of feelings here, and you don’t have to feel the same way or anything, but yeah okay that’s all for 250.

On that note, I’m going to start a new post when I continue the list so that I don’t have to be reminded of #250 and all of my feelings the next time I want to add to the list okay ty goodbye

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datblog16 · 7 years ago

Text

RSVP

The other day, I was asked by a friend whether I was attending another mutual friend’s wedding. I didn’t even know there was a date for a wedding in the first place. “No, I don’t think I was ever invited,” I replied. “When is the wedding? Did you get invited? Why didn’t I get invited? Well now this is awkward.” Then, as to casually play off my disappointment, I decided I probably wouldn’t have made it in the first place. “It’s all good, I don’t think I could’ve made it anyway.” Cue tiny violin music

But that conversation got me thinking, all of us at some point have attended a wedding, engagement, or some other big event where we have been personally invited to attend. Most of these invitations come with an RSVP, that we have to send back, letting the host or event organizer know whether we will be there. Even from a young age, we have all been invited to something. In elementary school, your best friend, little Jimmy might’ve said, “hey, are you coming to my birthday party tomorrow?”

Now let’s say I was invited to this wedding, what would bring me greater joy, the fact that I was invited to the wedding, or the fact that I would be able to attend?

In other words, am I satisfied with just the invitation, or do I desire to be present there?

Luke 14:16-24 16 Jesus replied: “A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests. 17 At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, ‘Come, for everything is now ready.’ 18 “But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, ‘I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.’ 19 “Another said, ‘I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I’m on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.’ 20 “Still another said, ‘I just got married, so I can’t come.’ 21 “The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, ‘Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.’ 22 “‘Sir,’ the servant said, ‘what you ordered has been done, but there is still room.’ 23 “Then the master told his servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes and compel them to come in, so that my house will be full. 24 I tell you, not one of those who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.’”

At the beginning of this chapter, Jesus was invited to lunch with a group of Pharisees and teachers of the law, the religious leaders of the day. Now this is strange because the Pharisees didn’t like Jesus, never liked Jesus, in fact, they hated his guts. So why was Jesus having this brunch date with a group of individuals that absolutely hated him? Well, the Pharisees had invited Jesus to lunch because they were trying to trap him into violating Jewish law by healing a sick man on the Sabbath, and thus prove that he was not from God, but a criminal. You can read the chapter on your own to see what happens next, but that’s another story.

These men, the Pharisees, saw themselves as the religious elite. They had wrapped themselves in this ideology that if anyone is going to heaven, it’s going to be them. They were completely self-righteous because they had fully devoted their lives to this legalistic way of thinking. They had never broken any laws of Moses, and they were completely without flaw. Then came this man called Jesus who began to stir the pot that was their Jewish society.

In addition to coming to seek and save the lost, Jesus came to shatter the religious way of thinking and throw out this false religious hope. This idea that you have to follow a strict set of laws or rules to get into heaven and receive eternal life.

The Pharisees believed that the more rules they kept, the secure their place in heaven, so they just added and added more and more and more traditions to the laws of Scripture in order that they might secure their place in heaven.

Isn’t this the way every religion functions? Why do any people endure the strict rules of their own religion? Why do priests, nuns, monks all endure the kinds strict rules that they do? Why does anybody in any religion behave according to the religious standards? Why do Mormons try to be as moral as they can possibly be? Because they believe will go to heaven. That's how all religion works, except Christianity where we know we can't achieve anything on our own. It's not about what we do, it’s about what has been done on the cross for us through Jesus Christ, it is about the free gift, key word, “gift” of salvation through Jesus Christ. In other words, it is about the invitation that has already been sent. All we have to do is RSVP.

Going back to the passage we read, Jesus was having lunch with these group of religious leaders and he tells them a parable. And the parable He tells them is actually pretty crazy. Like something like this would never happen in real life. So, to the Jews and Pharisees, the story was almost a joke. In the parable, you have this wealthy man, who invites his guests to a feast. When the guests are invited, they all make some excuse that they can’t make it. So instead, he ends up inviting the poor, the sick, and the lame in the city to fill his banquet hall.

First of all, we have to understand this story takes place back over 2000 years ago, where there are no cars, no fast food, no free time. People are constantly doing something, working, making food, traveling, cleaning. They didn’t have the luxuries of life that we enjoy now, so life was completely different in those days. In this type of society, we have a wealthy man hosting this big dinner, and we know it’s big because eventually everyone in the whole town is invited. To prepare such a big dinner means to find multiple animals to kill, clean, season, and then cook along with all the other preparations. Since this was in the ancient days, in a world without clocks or watches, life moves at a different pace and in a world where it took significant time to prepare for a great banquet like this, you can’t state date or time on the first invitation, so because of that, there were always two invitations.

The first invitation identified you as one who was invited as an honored guest and you waited to get the second invitation which is why in verse 17 says, " At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, ‘Come, for everything is now ready.’" Thus, there were two invitations: the one that let you know you would be future invited, and then the second invitation came when everything was ready.

So, to be invited to such a dinner would be considered a high point or highlight in the life of someone living in those days. It’s even a highlight today; hey you’re invited to a wedding, that’s exciting, that’s free food right there. So, for such a wealthy and important person to hold such a banquet and to be invited and partake in the great meal provided, enjoy the great music, the fun, and the fellowship that went along with the celebration was a great honor. This was the pinnacle of Jewish social life compared to the normal mundane world of agricultural society that existed back then. To refuse such an invitation is completely ridiculous, it would be like someone refusing a million dollars. That doesn’t happen. This is a once-in-a-lifetime event here.

But in the parable, when the time for the banquet came, when all the food was prepared and the banquet hall was ready, and the slave goes to those who had been invited and says, “Come now, for everything is ready”, the strangest thing happens.

These pre-invited guests, who should’ve been anticipating this day, looking forward to this day with excitement, holding their breath because they just couldn’t wait, asking each other when do you think it'll start? Will it be this week? Will it be tomorrow? When the long awaited dinner is to begin, those that are invited make excuses and decline the second invitation.

And they’re not even good excuses either. They’re all pretty lame. The first excuse is seen in verse 18, "They all alike began to make excuses. The first one said to him, ‘I bought a piece of land. I need to go out and look at it.’" What? Why? What are you going to look at? Some grass and dirt? You could do that any day, it makes absolutely no sense. You are about to pass up one of the greatest events in your life to go look at a piece of land.

Next excuse is seen in verse 19, "I bought five yoke of oxen. I've got yoke of oxen, I'm going to try them out.” Again, you could do that anyday, why is this now suddenly a priority?” That's ridiculous. Then the third in verse 20, still another said, ‘I just got married, so I can’t come.’ Okay, with that I guess you can be a little more lenient, but still, you could just bring your wife, why pass up on a once in a lifetime event like this?

Here we see three things that cause the invited guests to pass up on a once in a lifetime opportunity. Property, material wealth, and relationships. These were guests who had already been invited. Meaning, they’ve received the initial invitation. They have been saved, some of them probably many years ago. But instead of anticipating and getting ready for this great dinner, they’ve grown tired of waiting, they’ve had other priorities take precedence in their lives. Some of them have bought some land, a new house, new car, new career, new position. Some of them have let their relationships and friendships pull them away from the excitement of that long-awaited day, so much to the point that they have forgotten the grandeur of that event, and the importance of their presence at that banquet.

Likewise, we have all received the initial invitation. But are we going to attend? Will we be there? Or have we forgotten the importance of that banquet? And when I am talking about the banquet, I am not just referring to the banquet in heaven, but I am talking about our relationship with Jesus. He invites us into His presence daily. David says, “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” Are we just satisfied with an invitation? “Oh, thanks Jesus for the invitation. I appreciate that you thought of me and invited me, but I actually have other plans so I won’t be able to attend.” Or will we be present there at the banquet. Please don’t let the lesser things of this world take you away from the greatest thing in your life.

God bless you!

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