#i honestly don't know what to do anymore

[the-jackals]

I hate to ask, but I need to make rent next week and I'm dry. Bone dry. I had to quit my job two weeks ago due to progressively worsening health conditions that I still don't have a diagnosis for. I'm waiting for several medical tests (full sleep panel at a clinic, an IV ultrasound among other things) and now that my doctor has retired I need to wait for another GP.

My boyfriend is physically disabled and on the spectrum and has not been able to work for several years. I've applied for welfare for the both of us, but we have to go to an in-person meeting AFTER rent is due.

Currently at $30/$852, which is the sum for rent and utilities.

I would appreciate reblogs as much as possible. Paypal @/ariel

I don't have Cashapp or anything else because I am french Canadian and they don't like that.

[apoloniaspiegelgold]

I'm honestly considering moving to a neighbouring town just to get away from my creepy neighbour. Like it's one thing when some random person you don't know writes you a love letter and stalks you online. It's another thing when that random person also lives in the same house on the same floor as you and likes to watch you come home from work and then occasionally comes outside so he'd oh just so happen to run into you only to stare at you and not say anything besides hello and then come back in right after you. Like? Can he stop please?

[wastelandbabyblue]

not to be all woe is me but it feels more and more like nothing ever goes right for me and i'm so tired of it

[vaguely-concerned]

listen I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore but on this playthrough of DA2 I found myself once more entranced and heartbroken to see hawke reenact their relationship with their mother with the entire cursed city of kirkwall. you can never do enough for leandra, and you can never do enough for kirkwall. leandra is proud of you, and kirkwall uplifts its champion, but no matter how hard you try for them you can't fix everything there that's broken, no one could, and even the fact that anyone would feel the burning responsibility to take that task on is a huge warning sign on its own. leandra will easily allow you to sacrifice yourself on the altar of the family's continued well-being again and again, even when she'll beg you to spare the twins from the same thing. it's such a sad, painfully realistic thing because I truly don't think leandra meant to fuck up her kids, and yet she primed her oldest for an abusive toxic codependent relationship with an entire ongoing dumpster fire of a city state better than she ever could have if she had meant to.

I think what leandra actually, deep down wants from you is something you can never ever give her and that is cruel to ask of anyone, but especially your kid -- to bring her back to a time when she was happy. to reclaim when you were all happy, when nothing was broken that couldn't be fixed, before malcolm died, before you had to leave behind bethany or carver's broken body on the ground. to get her childhood back from where she left it and found it all gone and in ruins when she returned. 'this is all your fault'. this is the tragedy of parenthood sometimes I think, that capacity to define a life: she said that once, in a moment of profound pain, and she probably wouldn't have said it under other circumstances and she apologizes later, but now hawke has to live with that forever. leandra can't bear her own emotions without letting them spill over onto someone else so she won't have to hold the discomfort of them anymore, and hawke is left to shoulder that burden and responsibility again and again, handed the impossible task of making it all okay again, somehow -- of stopping anything bad from ever happening again in the Nr 1 Bad Things Constantly Happening capital of thedas.

and then at the same time there's the mirror of how varric's whole family wants orzammar back (and to him orzammar is just a ghost he's seen in their eyes -- there's something in his voice when he says 'That stupid plate was the whole city of Orzammar to him' that gets me every time, how much he understands that he doesn't understand and how lonely that makes him among them, and on top of it all he's frustrated and ashamed and sad that he just doesn't get it and can't meet them on it -- like it's a betrayal that he actually belongs up here, when varric wants so badly to be loyal), just as the hawkes want happiness back. (I don't think it's Lothering in itself that longing is for, it's for being together. Lothering was just the place they stayed the longest.) they're all in exile, even as they try to make a new home out of that exile.

(varric and hawke's real 🤝 quality across all personalities, affinities and choices is 'parentified child' lmao. so much of varric's character makes perfect sense once you know he grew up supporting a mother who was an emotionally volatile alcoholic, honestly. between varric, the hawkes, isabela, seb if you have him and merrill's whole Situation with marethari I feel like DA2 covertly is to mommy issues what ME2 is to daddy issues fjsdjfa)

basically I think I'm trying to pick apart exactly why the fact that leandra is clearly proud of hawke and tells them so several times doesn't feel like it helps at all, almost feels more like a cage even though it's clearly meant well? and what I'm getting is that it's because my sense of what hawke actually needs, in general but especially from a parent, isn't admiration or approval but to be loved and supported and understood. I don't believe leandra ever quite understands them, and it scares her because it makes her think she maybe never even understood malcolm. (that's the subtext of a lot of what leandra will say about him in legacy, at least. he's slipping away from her as the years pass after his death and she fears she never really had him in the first place, if he had secrets like these.) she consistently treats her oldest more like a partner or peer than as her child, which considering hawke is always described as being very similar to their father… I mean I totally see how that could be easy to slip into for her after he died especially, but it doesn't make it any less fucked up or unfair.

the real leandra in legacy is. she is SO absurdly self-centered, if you really pay attention. I don't want to keep dunking on her because I don't think she's like this on purpose, but it boggles my mind. if you do the quest in act 1 she gets so upset and overwhelmed that the kids just sort of sit there like :( at the end, which adds to the trend that through the game you constantly see hawke comforting leandra, and you pretty much never see leandra comforting hawke, beyond some light vaguely encouraging comments in passing. if you do legacy in act 2 while she's still alive hawke comes to her, tentatively asking if malcolm ever spoke to her about any of it -- clearly requesting some sort of emotional support or help to make sense of it. she then expresses her side of it, but never once does she say anything to the effect of 'hey that was a lot to go through, are you okay after all that?'.

instead she essentially hands them the responsibility of having a good life, to repay what malcolm did for all of them. and in theory that's not the worst takeaway I suppose, malcolm probably would want them all to be happy, but in the moment it only feels like more expectation heaped upon you somehow? especially since you don't really get to express anything about how it made you feel before she goes to the 'ah no use complaining' zone (after SHE got to express her grief at feeling like she's losing more and more of that old life, and hawke barely got to say anything fhsfalkjfs). in general she really doesn't do much like. parenting, does she haha. there is so much love there in that relationship, and yet so little comfort. Oh, those days. All of us, in that simple place. Well, that's neither here nor there, is it. This life, we have to make the best of it. And thanks to you, and him, I will. Oh well, mum, I'm uh. I'm glad you feel better after that, at least. Nice to be of service.

it's varric's ghost-leandra who actually acknowledges what a burden hawke has taken on, that shows an understanding of why they're doing it, acknowledges the loss they've been through and also reassures them in their sense of belonging that still can't be taken from them, despite it all -- The best of him is still with you. The best of all of us. It's what makes you try so hard. You'll always have that. We'll always be family. (you can't take 'loved' away, huh.) you get a bit more of a reconciliation/reconnection between hawke and their dad's memory by being reminded he got like this too, you know (implicitly you're not alone). varric through leandra is the one who tells them what they probably would have wanted and needed to hear from a parent right then -- It's going to be alright. that's what Hawke, The Champion means to everyone else, and for once they get to be the one to hear it. except only in a kind dream that never really happened. I. it. hmmmmmm. crushing. that is crushing. but also so incredibly tender from varric's side, and so moving to me that he's seen all this stuff and so desperately wants to give them that comfort. anyway DA2 is about love in some of the realest and thus messiest and most human ways I've ever seen and it makes my brain go wild it's my favorite game of all time goodnight

[panharmonium]

i am not usually interested in dramatically canon-divergent scenarios because the canon story is what compels me, but i've been obsessed with this moment ever since i re-heard it during my second viewing. from the perspective of someone who already finished the story once and now knows the truth - this was wild.

WHAT IF?

[khaire-traveler]

Ugh, man. I'm really not feeling great right now. It's one of those moments where you're like, "Wow, I really don't believe in myself and also kind of hate my life." Trying to stay positive about it is unhelpful, I think. I'm not really sure what to feel. Maybe just really alone? Or lost? Oh well. That's that.

[ineed-to-sleep]

Funny how all it takes is a couple of conversations with a cis straight man about gender to make me go "yup I'm definitely not cis"

[floralcrematorium]

you should add them on Facebook, Sakura's about to to post some kandi tutorials

full images without the gifs & with the original colors below the cut!

Left is with the copious amounts of gradient maps I used to make it look like the picture was taken with the flash on and Right is the OG colors!!!

The gifs in the above image are from Instagram. I cannot get Blingee to load on my wifi whatsoever

Here's a close up of my FAVORITE part of the whole piece

I got the manga pages from @hetascanlations !! I believe they're from 2014, chapter 1, on the blog!!!

I also know this is a mess when it comes to the time period, oops! I originally was going for more of a 2008ish look, with Scene Amelia and (Dark) Decora Sakura, but with the 2014 manga and addition of kandi, they kinda just look like 2020s scene revivalists... oops! I don't think I leaned into the decora look enough for Sakura as well. I'll definitely do decora fashion better for her individual illustration

I also need everyone to know that they made each other's necklaces. They were meant to be friendship necklaces, which is why Amelia's has an S, but Amelia got LAZY and just made one big necklace for Sakura that she's looped around her neck three times. Sakura made the star that Amelia's wearing too :)c also they traded hairclips

This entire thing was sparked by me thinking abt Amelia to Avril Lavigne's "One Of Those Girls," which I HAVEEEEE to draw her to. May draw an individual Sakura illustration as well, for funsies. The first time I saw a picture of people with super teased and flat-ironed hair with all of the dyed raccoon tail extensions, it was OVER for me. Age 10, I wanted to be them SO BAD. Anyway, I wouldn't consider myself scene, I definitely considered myself emo in the early 2010s, but I got a lot of hand-me-downs from a friend who was scene, including the shirt that Amelia's sweatshirt is based off of and some DC shoes!!! I won't lie, though, Amelia's definitely wearing some cowboy boots with her fit. Sakura's probably got some checkered vans. Anyway, they're probably listening to Breathe Carolina and Millionaires

I also absolutely ruined my Spotify feed for this drawing, so, hope you all enjoy because my Spotify wrapped will NOT!

[bidaryl]

admit it. you only came back to atlanta for the hat. don’t tell anybody.

[nyxronomicon]

the ancient texts... (wips in my drafts for obey me)

[azaracyy]

today, cupimon prays for your happiness too.

[harrowscore]

why are you, as an adult in 2024, still hung up on reylo. why are you still mocking the shippers. why do you believe yourself to be superior only because you dislike a stupid ship from a fucking space fairytale. girl (gnc) get a grip

[oifaaa]

the mexican digimon dub didn't add a sibling that doesn't exist or make a character a stereotype of valley girls

That sucks why would the Mexican dub do that extra secret siblings are always so much fun and a stereotypical vally girl iconic

[the---hermit]

Random list of to dos for the next few days/weeks(?) what even is time uuuugh:

Phone stuff (photos, music)

Holiday playlist

Text tattoo artist to get an appointment for September-ish

Figure out when to get dentist appointment after holidays

Get bus tickets

List for packing for holidays (+figure out what books to bring)

[actualaster]

Fun things about being a repeat patient at PT for neck, back, and shoulder pain is nobody even suspects I got top surgery for gender reasons because I legit had some of my chronic pain almost entitely fixed nearly instantly by it so everybody just figures I did it for pain relief

(I mean, that was also a reason, but it was secondary)

[effervescentvampire]

Kind of weird rereading twilight after almost ten years and realizing the story is fucked up on so many more levels than I was previously aware of