#i havent had a deep friendship in ages and i mean ages

[akingdomwalking]

longwinded kink talk including discussion of specific kinks/my experiences and also discussion of CSA + grooming

genuinely a bit embarrassing being as bothered as i am by like. fuck. i hate "kink shaming" as a term partly cuz i think "shaming" as a descriptor of stigmatization is silly but also because i associate the phrase with people being incredibly annoying about the concept in Many Different Ways ranging from "earnestly treating kink like an axis of oppression" to the opposite end of treating kink as inherently negative and a punchline in and of itself and discomfort with "kink shaming" as the funniest thing ever

it's just like. on one hand i think that many online kink spaces especially more isolated ones feature deeply eroded boundaries and encourage boundary crossing in ways that are quantifiably harmful. but also there is a lot of "kink critical" talk that at best stems from personal discomfort and deep misunderstanding of how kinks work resulting in negative assumptions, and at worst is actively reactionary and itself veering into fash territory about policing "abnormality"

i havent poked that deeply into discussions of fantasies and where they come from and how they affect people internally because the topic gets triggering for me easily but i think a lot about the degree to which fantasy and arousal is just. so personal. and what someone Thinks is the erotic appeal of a specific topic/act to people who are into it, may actually be entirely different that the appeal some people actually find

like not to extremely show my ass but being a lifelong Vore Guy has given me some perspective around it cuz vore is sooooo widely joked about/misunderstood and theres not one singular Vore Fandom bc there are so many microfetishes and preferences and what different people like about it is so different from others who also like it

but also insofar as "kink shaming" or whatever u want to call it does material harm... i do think it is something that can isolate and harm people, especially young people, who are made to feel so strange and disgusting that we would tolerate any treatment from people who show acceptance towards it <- thing that happened to me as a real life teenager

i remember ages ago seeing people getting up in arms about a post along the lines of "protect kinky kids" and like yeah that phrasing sucks and i get why people were grossed out by it but like.... unironically we need to lol and by that i very straightforwardly mean "we need to include age-appropriate discussion of kink as part of sex education specifically so that kids are not made to feel so abnormal and isolated that they seek out friendship from literal predators" <- thing that happened to me as a real life teenager

ive been thinking about this for a while but especially since that callout post circulating abt that person running a mastodon instance specifically for connecting kids/teens to predatory adults and that included posts and profiles of teens being targeted like... how do you think that kind of public humiliation and exposure is going to affect teens who are already in danger. do you think blasting them for identifying as "adult attracted minors" is making them safer

i get that the idea of kink as something that develops with "normal" sexuality is upsetting to some people but literally it is... my first experiences of my own sexuality (in a safe context but. thats an entire other vent) were vore fantasies and even before i had a sense of sexuality at all i was 1) fascinated by eating/digestion/etc 2) aware that that fascination was not normal 3) extremely embarrassed and ashamed of that fascination; the fascination goes back basically my whole life - i have art from when i first was physically able to draw that makes that clear - while the shame came later, when i was around 7-8. and its like. damn. i did not need to develop so many neuroses because of this shit

rarrrgh this got long and a lot of this ive vented about on twitter before but it feels kind of nice to get it out without dealing with character limits.

[rainy-astrology]

thank u sm for replying to my ask about hongjoong, hope u are doing well!

do u think certain members are meant to be together? even tho a lot of ships on groups are obviously put on to draw in fans who might ship them do u think theres any genuine relationships between group members or do they see themselves as being coworkers? again i think woosan and seongjoong are quite interesting but idk if its real or not or if delulus just want it to be real.

do u also think kpop is deliberately aiming for younger generations with its constsnt flood of tiktok related junk that it puts out? altho i find myself being fond of a few members of every other group or maybe i like their songs idrc for the latest trendy tiktok things its just gimmick after gimmicks nd i think kpop is profitting so much off younger groups who are more willingly going to get hooked on such trends to promote their groups. theres barely groups my age to follow literally even gidle have been a let down, is that just the members self sabotaging? lately their songs quality seem to be going downhill to the point where if a group releases noise its not remotely interesting enough or i might listen a few times but i dont feel any sort of vibe from it. oh its another thing theyre doing for tiktok to get hooked on another dance yadayadayada do u have any similar thoughts on why so many songs are just badly done auto tuned as heck and generic lyrics that arent inspiring? kpop couldve had so much going for it just to be like ehhh heres more of the samey groups where all members look dress and sound similar.

idk no ones ever really asked me to date so im like ehh whatever to dating atm if i was supposed to be in relationship someone wouldve asked me by now but they havent so i will take that as a means of being single until the day i die or some shit. also maybe my looks or facial expressions just arent pretty or not expressive (i have that glare that the likes of lee know tends to have, might put someone off from approaching me) or im underskilled in a lot of aspects that some ppl may judge me for as being talentless or behind in life, hbu?

Ofc, no prob, I hope you are doing well yourself.

I think it's a mix of both. Some groups have genuine friendships with each other and some groups are simply coworkers. Both are fine. As long as they are mature about differences and treat each other with basic respect and decency (literally the bare minimum), then I don't see the issue at all. Being an idol is just a job after all. If they are able to form a genuine connection with a member or all of them, then that's great.

Do I think certain members are meant to be together? No. I don't think anyone is meant to be together tbh. The idea of fated partners and soulmates is cute, but I don't think exists. It works best in fiction. But I know some people's bonds and compatibilities are so strong that it can feel like they were fated and that's totally fine. It's sweet. Even my best friend and I joke about us being meant to be and being "married". And yes I do agree that some ships are definitely pushed more to the public to draw more attention. Some ships may be close, some ships may not be, and we'll never 100% know as we are not those people. If you want my own thoughts on WooSan and SeongJoong though, I do think they're actually close, just not in the way some delulus try to say lol. WooSan have a matching tattoo (it would be absolutely insane to have something permanent with a person you're not close to lmao) and SeongJoong have expressed deep care to each other several times. Even though astrology isn't everything, it's interesting how SeongJoong's synastry is so harmonious.

Yes most likely, I think kpop has often been targeted towards younger audiences. Especially now with so many young people debuting. The industry is saturated and very competitive, so maybe that's why a lot of songs lately are a bit generic and uninspiring. Its heavy use of TikTok I'm sure is just a way to promote and gain attention since it's one of the biggest social media platforms rn. I can't speak much for gidle as I don't follow them...I don't think it's self sabotage though, it just sounds like you are not vibing with their music anymore. Sounds like you are losing interest with kpop in general and that's ok.

Why do you want to wait for someone to ask you out? Why don't you pursue someone? Maybe it's you who has to make the move - don't wait for it. But only if you care that much lol. I don't think you have be very pretty and expressive to get a date, but looks can def play a part in attracting someone. You don't have to be the prettiest or the best in general really to get someone though.

I'm aro ace with no interest in pursuing romance, so it isn't a concern of mine at all. I also have the same deal of having an angry face unintentionally at times + also quite expressionless and I don't consider my looks to be traditionally pretty (not calling myself ugly, i do think i'm pretty, just not by society's standards), yet I've still had people crush on me somehow 😅 if it's possible for me then it's possible for you lmao.

[transmascnepetaleijon]

every day i lay down on my bed and wonder: am i overthinking it or is this motherfucker really sending me an absurd amount of mixed messages

[fanficwritinggirl]

This is due to the fact that when i was 14 years old i met Bill Weasley. And when i mean i met him i mean we were only introduced to each other. I was spending the summer at the Weasleys which i did every summer since i started Hogwarts. And this was the one time that Bill Weasley decided that he was going to come and spend a few days with his family and this was when i first met him.

I must admit that seeing him for the first time was like something out of a romance movie or novel. Like time litrally stopped. I remember looking at him and thinking that he was the most beautiful man that i had ever seen. He gave his family a cheerful good morning and kissed his mother on the cheek and then sat down opposite to me. I remember our eyes meeting and he smiled at me and offered his hand to me. "Bill Weasley nice to meet you. You must be Y/N L/N" he introduced. And he said it in the most sweetest way that it made me swoon. I gave him a small smile and a nod and he left it at that. I sat there listening to him talk about his work. And the passion that was in his voice when he spoke of it made me fall for him. I know that it is cleche but that is the only way that i can describe it. I had never met someone as amazing as Bill Weasley and i never shall as i declare that he is the most amazing person that i have ever met. And that might just be my dumb teenage mind but he is in all honsetly as passionate, beautiful individual.

2 years after the battle of Hogwarts i was now 19 years old and you could say that a lot of things had changed since then. Well for a start Ron and Hermione are together. Harry and Ginny are together. And our poor Fred was sadly killed in the battle to sum it up. The dynamic that had taken place in the Weasley house was never the same after the death of Fred. And i wouldnt expect anything less. I miss what the twins had. The pranks that they pulled. I feel as though the light had gone out. That the magic that once filled the home will never be whole again. And that broke my heart. But i am 19 now. An adult and i have to face the fact that life isnt full of happiness and that this was one of the many hard things that i was going to have to face.

Me and Ron sat  in the sitting room of the weasley home playing an intense game of Wizards Chess. And once again i was losing. Ron was still the best chess player that i knew even 8 years later. I groan as Ron beats me once again. "Seriously Ron you have to at least give me a chance to win" i whine. He laughs. "Well maybe if you would practice more you might stand a chance of beating me" he boasts and i gasp. "Ronald Weasley dont be such a cocky git" i say as i hit him in the arm and he laughs at me as i sulk.

"What are you doing now Ron" Hermione asks as she walks in. Ron giggles. "She is sulking because i beat her again at Wizards Chess" he tells her. Hermione shakes her head and kisses his forehead. "Im sorry to tell you this Y/N but i dont think that you are ever going to beat him. Trust me i dont like to increase his ego but he is the best chess player and we both know that" she says sympathetically and i groan again and stand up. "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know" i joke and we all laugh.

"Its lovely to see some laughing in here" a voice says and we turn and see Bill Weasley standing at the edge of the sitting room. I freeze not expecting Bill to be here. "Bill what are you doing here" Ron says happily as he stands up and goes to hug his brother. "Decided that i would stay a few days and grace you all with my presence" he states as he hugs Ron. I look at Bill and can see the bags that are under his eyes. Which honestly he looks better then what i expected to look like after everything that he had been through.

Not long after the battle of Hogwarts. Bill and his wife Fleaur divorced. I guess you could say that with the PTSD and the loss of Fred took a toll on their marriage and it inevetable ended in Fleaur leaving on morning and never coming back and a few weeks later divorce papers showed up at shell cottage and then Bill knew that his marriage was over. After signing the divorce papers he moved back in with the weasleys for a few months getting affairs in order and deciding what was the next move which for him was buying an apartment in the city so that he was closer to work and from what i had been told by the rest of the Weasleys his life had been work ever since. It was heartbreaking to see a man that was once so passionate about his work loose that spark because of a broken heart. I had seen him briefly a few months back when i was at diagon alley at the bank and i must admit he looked better now than he did then.

Bill pulls back from Ron and smiles at me and Hermione. "Its nice seeing you two again. Im sorry i havent been around much work and all" he apoligies and me and hermione shake our heads. "Bill dont worry about it. Works work. Your here now" Hermione says kindly. He grins at us. "Thank you that is really nice of you. I just wanted to come and see you all before i go and see Mum. You know her she is going to keep me stuck in converstation all night at this point" he jokes and we all laugh at that. Very well knowing what Molly Weasley was like. "Go on Bill go and see her now if you want to get to bed at a decent hour" Ron says giving him a pat on the back. Bill shakes his head with a grin on his face and heads off upstairs towards. My mind was racing now. Because all i could think about was the fact that the feelings that i had bedded deep down about Bill Weasley were now coming to the surface.

Which a few days later made me completely and utterly scrood. It started with just little things between me and Bill. One morning Molly asked us to wash the dishes and it was just our hands touching that i could feel the sparks that people talk about. All of us playing a game of ball and him moving the hair from the side of my face and staring into my eyes. Him opening the door for me with a smile. It was things like this that made me relise that i was hopelessly in love with Bill Weasley and i could be. He was one of my best friends brothers and that meant that it was a big no no in the eyes of my friendship with Ron which meant that i was going to have to keep my distance.

I was standing at the sink as i was washing the dishes which was something that i offered to always do as a way of helping Molly out which i didnt mind. I loved the view that the kitchen gave me. Right out onto the garden were Ron, George and Bill were currently messing around in the garden together. Casting funny spells on each other and the laughs that was coming from them was bittersweet as there was one Weasley that would have been there. And yes im talking about Fred. And obviously Percy is another weasley sibling which i must admit that after the battle he has tried more with the family but he is still the outsider in a way. I dont know much about Percy and i dont really want to know him all to well.

But back to the view. I loved looking at Bill mess around with his brothers. There was a look of happiness the old Bill in his eyes which i know that we have all missed. The Bill that i remember falling for when i was 14. But this Bill there was so much more to him and that made me more intregued.

"So which one of my brothers are you looking at and please tell me it is not Ron" a voice asks from behind me. I come out of my daze and turn and see Ginny standing behind me. I look at her shocked before shaking my head. "Why would i be staring at Ron Ginny" i ask her confused. She sighs. "Good that is the answer that i wanted now that means that there are only 2 of my brothers that you could have been staring at. Now is it my brother George who is a hilarious guy even though he isnt much anymore but still can be. And can make any girl fall with his jokes. Or is it my eldest brother Bill. Who is passionate, determined and someone who you have been in love with since you were 14. Now let me see ene meany miney..." she says but i cut her off.

"Ginny! Stop okay i know that you know" i burst and she smirks at me. "Of course i know. I know everything. And just to let you know i think you should go for it" she expalins to me with a smirk. I just looks at her and groan. "Ginny he was barley been divorced a year yet alone ready for anew relationship and anyway what about the age difference" i try to excuse so that she would stop talking about it. She shakes me head and me. "No no no. Dont start trying to feed me all of this age difference bs. Come on like 10 years isnt that bad. Like i mean there are people who get married to others who are like 40 years older than them. Which makes you and Bill normal" she trys to persuade me. I sigh and shake my head. "Like i said Ginny he and Fleaur have barely been split up a year. And anyway he probarbly doesnt look at me like that" i doubt and go back to washing the dishes.

"Look Y/N. I know how you feel i thought Harry thought the same thing about me but hey look at us now. We might think one way about something but you know we may be wrong. And i can see the way that you and Bill are together. The way that you two move around each other its like a dance. Its like you two are meant to move together. That you are meant to be together. And i believe in soulmates and i know that you two are. I never got any of this off of Bill and Fleaur. The connection but i do now. And im telling you to go for it. Trust me" she explains. I look at her shocked. Trying to take everything in. She gives me a smile knowing that i am going to think about it. Once she leaves a bend myself over the sink with both elbows on either side of it and put my head in my hands and sigh. This is just making things harder.

Later that night i lie in bed not being able to sleep. What Ginny had said to me had got me fucked up in the way that now i cant decide what to do. I get out of bed after trying for way to long to get to sleep and head down to the kitchen to get myself some milk to help me go to sleep. I walk down there and grab some milk from the fridge and pour some in a pot to put over the stove.

"Y/N" a voice asks and i turn around and see Bill standing there looking at me with sleepy eyes. "Sorry if i woke you"i apoligise. He shakes his head and walks further into the kitchen. "You didnt i was up doing some work" he informs me and i enternally groan. He needs to stop working so much. "Well anyway then. Sorry for disturbing you. Can i offer you a mug of warm milk i heard that it helps on feel more relaxed. Or at least it did when i was a child" i say and he laughs and nods his head. "Yes please but i have a little bit of a request on how to make it better" he says as he walks to the pantree and i pour some milk into some mugs. He comes back out and has some cinnamon in his hand and sprinkles it on the top of the milk. "Mum used to do this when we are little. It just made the drink feel more at home" he says. He turns his head up and looks at me straight in the eyes. And once again there it was. The spark. The connection that i felt was there. To my dissapointment he pulls back and looks at me with intent smile.

"Why dont you try it" he says to me referring to the milk. I break out of the trance that i was in and take a sip of the milk. And he was right. The drink tasted more of home. And now all i could think about when i thought of the milk was him. I see him take a drink of his milk before our eyes meet again. He moves the milk away from his lips and puts it on the counter. He moves closer to me and before i know what is happening his lips are on mine. And a zoo erupts in my stomach. I put my own milk down and wrap my arms around his neck as he deepens it. Devoruing my lips and feeling every part of my body. He moves his hands down to my ass and grabs it pulling me up into his arms before setting me down on the counter.

My breathes are heavy. It is so hard to breathe when i am so intoxicated with him. The feeling of him of my skin. The burning that i feel in my core. This man was a drug. He pulls aways and looks at me. He smirks when he sees me so out of breathe. He moves a part of my C/H out of my face and looks deep in my eyes.

"I have wanted to do that for some long you dont understand. From the first time that i saw you the other day. I knew that you were something else. Something about you was causing me to feel something that i have never felt before and i know now that is because you are my drug Y/N. Your my drug and i hope that i am yours" he asks me. All i can do is nod my head. "Your my drug Bill. And i want all of you" i tell him and once again i am being devoured by him. He lifts me up once again and lifts me upstairs to his room and you can fill in the rest.

The next morning i wake up with Bill lying naked next to me on his back with him slightly snorning next to me. I giggle and turn and stroke his cheek and also planting a kiss. His hands moves up and holds mine and he smiles. "Morning" he says and i smile. "Morning" i say as he kisses me. I sigh. He is my drug. He pulls me closer and groans. "We are going to have to tell them arent we" he asks. I nod as i curl into him. "Yeah we are but i have a feeling that they already know" i inform him and he looks at me confused. "And how would they know" he asks me cheekely. "Well i have a feeling that we may have not been that quiet last night" i say mischeviously. He smirks and leans closer. "I believe that you are correct on that but i would say that it was mostly you calling my name that they heard" he whispers in my ear and i moan. He flips us over and pins my hands over my head. "And i think that for you being a naughty girl and not being quiet last night i might need to punish you" he purrs. The feeling of my core heats up once again. "And how might you do that William" i ask him. I slowly feel him slide his hand down to my pussy and put a finger in and i groan. "I have a few ideas" he says before taking me.

You could say that we were correct. When we walked down the stairs everyone was looking at us. Molly and Arthur looked a little unconfertable. Which i dont blame them. I dont think they preferably wanted to hear their son having sex. Hermione, Ron, Harry and George looked completely shocked and Ginny of course was sitting there with a smug look on her face. Bill sighs. "Ok i know that most of you are shocked right now and i understand that completely. And im sorry that you had to hear that last night. But i just want to let you know that i love Y/N. I love her and some of you might think that it is a bit early after the divorce and all but i know its now. I know that what we feel for each other is stronger than anything that i have ever felt and that will never change. So all i ask is for you please just be happy for us" Bill exclaims. They all just blink at us before Ron is the first to speak.

"Can i just asks. From how hard your bed was going against the wall im surprised that you are even walking Y/N" he jokes. Molly wacks him around the head. "Ronald Weasley" she exclaims and we all laugh. We know that they accept us and Bill kisses my head before we head to the table. We recive some awkward hugs and pats on the back which was expected but at the end of the day i have Bill and Bill has me.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Reader finds out she`s pregnant with Arthur`s child

@jaraysha1121 requested this one! Thank you so much for the lovely request!!! I really, really, really hope you will like the result :)

Arthur humming quietly into your ear was the perfect way to wake up in the morning. Smelling his hair, that felt tickelish into your face while he kissed you awake was. You just wished that all of this, his bed hair in the morning, him humming oldies in the kitchen while making coffee, his skin on yours at night, would never come to end end.

You have been together for one year now but it felt like you had known him before the beginning of time. Having him in your arms felt like holding the entire universe in your hands. Like anything was possible and there was nothing that you weren`t able to face together. Arthur was your muse, your inspiration. Your proof that no matter how cruel life has been to you, there is still hope to stay gentle at heart and to end up being loved. It was just the same the other way around. You ended up being Arthurs salvation. His soul mate. Everything he ever hoped for and daydreamed about. You and him. It was just fate.

"Hey Y/N. I made you some tea. I hope you feel better this morning? I noticed you couldnt find sleep tonight?" He handed you the cup "Careful, its still very hot." You took a careful sip and put it back on the table. " Arthur crawled back on the couch with you, so you took him under the green blanket. He softly kissed your cheek.

"Um...yeah well I feel better now" you lied.  You didnt wanted him to be worried about you, since Arthur worried about you a lot. Whenever he thought there was the slightest chance for you to get sick or cold or anthing that made you feel uncomforable. He would ask you every five minutes if you already felt better, which was beyond adorable, but still, you didnt wanted him to get worried, because after a while he tended to get nervous and anxious , and that wasnt good for his mental health and insomnia at all. So yo decited to try to hide it from him. But he just knew you so well.

"Are you sure, baby? You seem like there is something wrong? You didnt even ate your fave cookies yesterday. The plate is still full so... I got evidence!" He joked and pulled your nose. "No, I`m fine, Artie, really. I mean.I just woke up beside you. How on earth wouldnt I feel great?" You took another sip of tea.

"Yeah..." Arthur lit himself a cig and stared at the ceiling while his arm was wrapped around you "You know, I just wish we could do this more often. The sleepover.  But its very diffucult to hide you from my mother. I dont know how she would react if she knew that a girl was sleeping in the living room."

You nodded. It was obvious that Arthur loved his mum but he was also afraid to get into a confrontation with her. He would only confront her with anything if there was absolutely no other way to handle it. So you sneaked into his apartment when Penny was already asleep.

"Sooo what if she just wakes up and walks through the living room? She will notice me for sure."

Arthur shook his head while he took a deep drag of his cig "She will not wake up".

"What do you mean?"

"She took some sleeping pills yesterday. Well... I made her do it but...anyway..." he stroke your hair "Dont worry abut that okay? She will still be asleep for the next few hours for sure. And even if she will wake up, she would be so confused, you could just hide under the blanket and she wouldnt notice anything."

"I see... you thought of anything didnt you? I wonder what she would sayif she knew there was a girl on the couch."

Arthur leaned in to kiss your ear "Just think of what she would do if she knew what I did with this girl last night...?!"

You smirked "Yeah that was definitely helping with feeling better."

"So what do you think she would do?"

"She would tell you you`re a naughty boy"

Arthur put the cig in his pink ashtray and  kissed you passionately.

"Yeah...being naughty is fun isnt it?"

You nodded under the sweet pressure of his lips.

You tried to be as quiet as possible, even though he claimed that Penny wouldnt wake up.  She was still in the back of your mind. There was something about the thought of being caught that you really liked.

Arthur checked the clock "Oh. I gotta go to work now. I`m pretty late. " He got up from the couch and grabbed his clown gear. You stood up to change your clothes as you realized how your head was spinning. Arthur didnt noticed. He was distracted by checking his bag.  " We`ll see each other on Monday, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I will visit  when you get home from work. "

Arthur grabbed the keys "Great. I cant wait to see you again, sweetheart. Any plans for today?"

You opened teh door "Yeah I will visit my best friend over the weekend. We`ll be watching movies and stuff."

You both headed down the hallway and got into the elevator "Sounds like fun" Arthur smiled at you with so much love in his eyes. His tiney wrinkles made you want to cover his beautiful face with kisses.

"What?" he asked as he noticed you staring.

"Nothing....its just...I love you so god damn much!"

Arthurs cheeks turned red "Dito!" he said, gently touching your cheek before you said goodbye. You watched him running towards the subway station. He was really late.

Being in the elevator a minute ago made your dizzyness even worse. You closed your eyes for a moment, wondering if you might catched the flu. You felt sick to the stomach for about three days now and it didnt seemed to get any better.  Hopefully it wouldnt ruin the whole weekend. You knew that your best friend bought sweets and cake but you didnt felt like eating anything at all.

Thirty minutes later you arrived. Your best friend welcomed you with the warmest hug. She was the only one who accepted your love to Arthur. Most of your other friends thought he was weird for his laughter and for still living with his mother at the age of 35. You started to realize that some of those people didnt even deserved your friendship, especially they didnt deserved to get to know the wonderful man that Arthur was.

"Hey Y/N ! I`m glad you`re here. I`ve planned something for tonight. You will be excited to hear about it. How is Arthur doing?"

You got out of your jacket and sat down on the couch "He`s doing fine. Thank you for asking. He`s on some new meds and they are much better than the last ones he had."

"I`m happy to hear this. But you kno what his best medicine is? YOU. Imean it. He looks so much healthier since the two of you meet each other on a regular basis."

Hearing those words coming out of her mouth meants the world to you "Thank you so much. I appriciate that. The others dont understand...."

"Pffff" she headed to the kitchen and came back with a huge self made pizza "Dont listen to them. They are idiots. Every single one of them. Arthur is a nice guy and he is good for you. I can see the way you look at each other. There is so much love between you."

"Yeah. I really do love him. More than anything. I think he`s my soulmate."You smiled "I understand him.  And he gets me. We get each other. We dont even have to say anything. Its just....we know. We`re the same. "

"Heyyyyy check this out" she put the huge pizza on the table in front of you "Its self made. i`m kinda proud. We will kill this delicios thing this evening. What do you think?"

Just looking at the food made you feel sick again "Um.....yeah thats....great. It looks delicious"

Your friend put her hand on your forehead "Y/N. You look kinda pale."

"Yeah...I dont feel so well....its been this way for half a week now. I can barely eat something and I feel dizzy at times and just....weird. Like...I dont know my body and mind feel funny and....I dont know....I havent slept for days..." you started crying.

"Ohhh noooo why are you crying? Is there anything going on with Arthur you wouldnt tell me?"

You wiped a tear away "No. No really. He is fine. I`m just very sensitive these days. I`m not sure why.... maybe it was all to much with the others not respecting Arthur as my boyfriend. ...I dont know....Just stressed out emotionally I think.. But I will be fine."

Your friend told you  that you didnt have to eat anything if you dont feel like it, but two hours later you decited to give it a try and grabbed a piece of her selfmade pizza. After one slice you felt so bad you coudlnt hide it from your bestie anymore "Oh my god. I think I gotta go to the bathroom" you hurried up and closed the door behind you.

"Y/N? Are you okay in there?"

"Yeah....kinda....just...I`m just sick to the stomach. I think I catched the flu or something. maybe its better for me to go home. I dont want you to get infected."

Ten minutes later you got back into the living room again. She waited for you with a big grin on her face. Why would she make fun of you feeling sick?

"Feeling better?" the grin still lingering on your lips. It kinda hurt you to see her reaction.

"No. I think I`m gonna go home. I think I have to rest until I see Arthur again on Monday.  I dont want to cancel our date. He is looking forward to it. I`m sorry thatI ruined our weekend before it even started...."

She giggled.

"Why are you laughing? Cant you see I`m feeling like shit?"

She pointed at the empty place beside her "Si down Y/N. And calm down for a second. I dont think that you`re ill at all. You feel sick to the stomach, dizzy and emotionally sensitive.....Think about what it might be."

"I dont know what you are talking about!" you yelled

"Oh I see, currently very emotional with your  reactions."

"Yeah go ahead making fun of me" you replied with a dissappointed look on your face.

"Y/N. You and Arthur I mean....you want to stay together right?"

"Of course we do!"

"You love each other to death?"

"Yeah!"

She clapped her hands "So I think Monday will be even more special when he hears the news!"

"Which news?" you still didnt understood what she was all about.

"Y/N. My dear, you might be pregnant with Arthur`s child!"

The very second you heard her saying this your heart just stopped. You tried to think about the symptoms  but all you could think about was Arthur and how he would react if this was really true. You rubbed your dimples, tried to remember how one of your friends felt like when she got pregnant.  It really could be it.

"Oh my god..." you whispered.

"YES great news. I mean....if you really are this would be great news for you, right? Hopefully...I mean...did you talked about that? You and Arthur?"

Concentrating was hard "We did....I mean....a while ago he told me how much he loves kids and that he always wanted to have a family and .....I mean look at him when he is with kids. he would be a great dad. I know he would. "

"And how do YOU feel about it?" she asked.

"I...I`m not sure....I mean...I want to spent the rest of my life with him and...the thought of being a parent is stil kinda scare, isnt it? But...yeah I think I really want to have a kid with Arthur. He is the only man who ever made me feel this way. Its just overwhelming right now. The thought that it might happen NOW. But yeah...I would be happy about it for sure. " you started to cry. Your best friend hugged you tight "Shhhhhtt . Eighter way it will be good. What do you think about going to the pharmacy and get a test right now? So you dont have to ask yourself that question all day?"

You nodded. Knowing would help. You just had to know if your friend was right.

An hour later you couldnt stop your hands from shaking as you got back to your friends apartment. The pregnancy test in your hand felt surreal. You never did such a test before, so you sat down with her to read everything through.

"Are you ready?" she asked you.

You werent sure. How could anyone ever be ready for something like that? Deep down you knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. The more you thought about it, the more you wanted the test to turn out positive. You just felt deep in your heart that Arthur would be happy,too. There was only a slight chance that he would be too overwhelmed and scared. But then again, who wouldnt be?

"No. I`m not ready" you smiled while you said it out loud.

"But you are smiling! Thats a good thing. Take your time. We can do this tonight if you want."

You got up and headed to the bathroom "No. No. I really want to know now.  So I will have more time to think about how I will tell Arthur on Monday."

"Ha! You`re already talking like you are pregnant. I like that" her face lighted up.

And you realized that this was true. Somehow you suddenly felt like you already knew. Like everything was coming together. You imagined Arthur holding your baby for the first time. Imagined his big puppy eyes while trying to make his kid laugh. You already felt the love he was radiating as a dad. Your eyes started watering when you closed the door behind you. You followed the discriptions of the test and waited.

It wasnt long but it felt like a lifetime.

So many scenarios went through your head. Any possible reaction from Arthur. You checked the watch. It was time to take a look at the result. Your heart was beating fast. You didnt even knew how much you wanted a kid with him until now. You hoped for the test to be positive. So much it would even hurt you if it was not the case. This morning you didnt even thought of being a parent and suddenly it was all you could think about. Arthur as a dad. Arthur as the father of your child. What a wonderful life it would be! Not easy, but wonderful and worth living for.

Your shaky hand grabbed the test with eyes closed. One deep breath in. And another.

Okay.

Now.

Now you will know.

Postive. The test was positive. Arthur and you would be parents soon!

You wished for him to be here with you right now. A brief moment you felt regret for not making the test when he was there with you but anyway, you would make sure to surprise him in the sweetest way!

"Ohhh my god, you were right!" you screamed as you got out of teh bathroom "You were right!!!!"

Your friend ran towards you and held you tight "I knew. I just knew. I am so happy for you. Are you happy? You are feeling good, right? Oh my god!"

"Yeah, I...I am happy. So much happier than I thought I would be. I cant wait to tell Arthur the day after tomorrow. God, I dont even know if I can wait until then. But I have to because....I want the surprise to be perfect. And I gotta figure out how I will tell him the news!"

"You`re going to be a great mum Y/N. I just know. And Arthur is going to be the funniest daddy ever!"

You sat down on teh couch, dizzy but happy at heart "Wow,thats just...a lot to think about!"

Your friend told you to rest and made you a cup of tea to calm your stomach.  You realized that life would never be the same again after the kid would be born. But you wanted it. You wanted it all. With him. And him only.

It was so hard to no tell Arthur when he called you the next day. But you wanted to see his face when you told him. You wanted to feel his arms around you and this wasnt possible through the phone, so you waited for Monday evening.

You made sure that you arrived earlier than he would and put the pregnancy test into an envelope, so he would find it as soon as he checked the box for letters. He always did because his mum was waiting on a letter from Thomas Wayne for months now. Standing in the hallway was torture. You checked your watch at least twenty times until he finally arrived. Arthur was still wearing his clown make up. He carried his green wig and clown shoes in his big bag, looking tired. "Ohhhh honey. I`m so glad to be home. It was a long day at HaHas.  There was a kids birthday. I danced for at least three hours. But it was worth it. You should have seen the little boys face! God. I love making kids happy.....Y/N? Are you okay?"

"Arthur!" you jumped into his arms and felt him with all your senses.  "Yes I`m fine. Just so.....good to see you again and I missed you so much!"

A real smile was visible underneath his big, red fake smile "I`m happy to have you in my arms again,too. I missed you the moment you walked out of the elevator two days ago!"

Arhur grabbed his keys to open the letter box. That was the moment. In less than a minute he would know.

"A letter!" he mumbled "Maybe my mum finally gets what she was waiting for ."  He checked the envelope. "Wait....It says For Arthur....there is no stamp and....this is...your handwriting...?" he looked at you. The confused frown on his face made you want to kiss him so bad.

"Open it, darlin. please!"

Arthurs fingers felt that there was something in it.

"Darling, its not even my birthday." he joked "Did you got me a present?" he reached for what was in there and pulled it out.

Arthurs face froze for a moment. No reaction. Just him staring at the test and the little note that said "Soon we`re going to be a family! "

For a second your heart seemed to stop. Why didnt he say anything? Why wasnt he even moving? Was it bad news for him?

The envelope fell down to his feet as he covered his face with his hands. He was crying.

"A-Arthur? Darling?" you took a step closer to him. And another. Until you were able to put your arm around him. His tiney body was shaking.

"Arthur....please say something.

Seeing him cry now was torture. You were looking forward to this moment until you saw the test result and now he was crying in silence. He didnt even looked at you. His beautiful hands just covered his face while he was sobbing like a little boy.

"Oh Arthur, I thought....I really thought this would make you happy,too?!"

Arthur uncovered his face. His puffy eyes glanced at you with love "Are you kidding me Y/N? Of course I am happy. I was never happier in my whole life! Oh my god. I am....I never felt this way before. We are going to be a family! This is all I ever wanted in life. Thank you for making my dream come true!" Arthur fell into your arms. His head resting on your shouders  as tears of happiness ran down his face.

Now you started crying too.

"Oh god, I`m so glad. So reliefed. You`re going to be the best daddy ever. I love you so much, Artie! So incredibly much."

Arthur kissed you softly on the lips. Traces of his clown make up covered the corner of your mouth.

"You know what? Tomorrow I`m taking a day off and we`ll have a beautiful picnic in the park. Just the two of us. Out on a date to celebrate this! And when we`re back home, I´m going to tell my mum!"

You smiled "Your mum didnt even knew you had a girlfriend. She will be shocked."

"So what? Its our life! And our desicion. We will be looking for a new home anyway."

"Yeah" you wiped a curl out of his face.

"C`mon, honey, lets get in and relax for the night."

Arthur took you by the hand and soon you found yourself all cuddled up on the couch. Arthur on your side. Skin on skin. His breath behind your ear. His hand caressing your belly.

"So you think its going to be a boy or a girl?" he asked you while his fingers gently moved in circles. He lit some candles to make it even cozier for you.

"I dont know" you whispered "I would love a son who looks just like his father."

Arthurs hand on your tummy felt so calming. Like a charm that made your child feel loved.

"And I would love a daughter who is just as precious as her mother."

You smiled.

"I promise I will try my best to be a good dad. I will make our kid laugh as often as possible and teach him or her how to do magic tricks and I´ll dance to make the child feel better. I will try anything. to be.....good enough! I`m gonna take good care of our baby."

"I know you are going to be amazing. Who wouldnt love to have a funny clown as a father?"

Arthur leaned in to kiss you "I promise you, I will find a job as a stand up comedian so we can afford much more than now. I`m gonna make it work. "

"I know we will Arthur. The two....no. The three of us together."

Arthur pulled you even closer to his chest. The warmth of his body lulled you in as you drifted away into sleep. The last thing you`ve heard before your eyes closed was Arthur whispering "Sleep tight, little angel" while he placed his lips on your belly to kiss your child good night.

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

@taiqrowweek

SINCE ALL THE FICS ARE SAD im going to go ahead and make a happy one. (Well... its bullet notes so maybe more of a fic outline?). Can be consider as Free Day or AU Day since its canon divergence

Ive been dying to see a Tai comes to Atlas fic so im making this one a reunion in Atlas fic

Qrow isnt in Atlas when Tai arrives. Hes out on a Amity Tower mission with Clover

Qrow and Clover are actually in the middle of flirting with each other when Qrow gets the call

Its Ruby and shes talking so fast Qrow cant understand a single thing. "Woah Ruby slow down. Whats going on" theres a deep gasping breath and then "DAD IS HERE. DAD IS IN ATLAS"

Qrow is stunned. Tai made it to Atlas?

Clover is thinking about how on Earth he could of gotten into the Kingdom.

Qrow finds out through Yang (she had to take Ruby's phone away since she wouldnt stop screaming) that the girls are waiting for Tai since Ironwood is having Winter personally escort him (Qrow figures that either he got arrested on arrival like they did or that Ironwood wants to know everything Tai knows about Salem despite being removed from the situation since STRQ fell apart)

Clover notifies him that they wont be able to get back to the city for another three hours, and then Qrow tells the girls, who are disappointed but tell him theyll "let Dad know when he gets here"

Most of the way back Clover is trying to get information out of Qrow about what Tai is like. Its both friendly small talk and adding to what Clover knows about this group of children + Qrow. The group is part of Ironwood's inner circle now which makes them important

Qrow briefly wonders how his reception will be. These days hes always the one coming to see Tai, and its 50-50 on if Tai's happy to see Qrow. Qrow considers running away from the encounter entirely but hes trying to be a better man now and that means sobriety and facing his problems. Besides he'll have to see Tai eventually

So lets backtrack a bit. Tai and Qrow used to be a thing wayyyy back in the day. Defining their romantic relationship is complicated. They tried dating before Tai ever got with Raven and it only lasted a few days because they realized the attraction was just sexual so they went back to being teammates who makeout when theyre drunk (thats how they decided to start dating in the first place). So through the early years they were Friends With Benefits. After the dark years of Raven and Summer they became Friends With Benefits That Only Get Together When Theyre Feeling Heartbroken. Its sad sex and half the time one of them is crying. Their friendship is good while the the girls are young. They disagree on a lot of things when it comes to the girls as they get older. That animosity plus arguments about Qrow's  espionage job plus Qrow's worsening alcoholism are the reason theyve drifted far apart today. Theyve still been through so much together so that history and Qrow's dedication to being a uncle are the only things holding their friendship together.

So anyways lets get to the good stuff. The reunion:

Tai is actually waiting for Qrow at the garage

The girls are with him because they missed him. Ruby has her arms around him while talking and Yang is standing besides them smiling

Qrow gets a little scared. The fact Tai is waiting for him doesnt bode well. Him and Tai try to have their disagreements when the girls arent present. Qrow thinks its fair to assume that Tai is so absolutely pissed at him that he cannot wait another moment to yell at him. Clover goes "i guess you wont have to hunt him down after all. He mustve really missed you all" and Qrow really hopes thats the reason

Qrow decides to break the ice before it forms by insulting Tai as he's getting out of the truck

"Two and a half continents away and i still cant escape the sight that is your hideous cargo pants" "says the man who's idea of fashion is a 25 year old ripped cape"

As soon as Qrow gets close enough Tai puts his hands on his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and yells "YOU GOT POISONED"

Turns out Tai was just worried about him after Ruby explained what happened on her trek through Mistral

After answering his questions they hug and its the kind of hug where you sway a little bit

For the next few hours Tai yells at Ruby for running away, Tai yells at Qrow for going sober and not telling him, and Qrow goes with Tai to meet Ironwood (and stop Ironwood from asking too many questions. Hes actually soley focused on Salem and he doesnt even ask Tai how he got through his military blockade)

That night in Qrow's room Tai explains to Qrow how he got there. He lied to the girls. Made up some story that had plenty of holes in it. It was Raven. She opened her portal to Yang as far away as she could and Tai landed there. She had come to him after Haven, told him a few things but clearly left most of it out. Tai managed to get her to promise to take him to the group whenever they got to Atlas and had adjusted.

He came for two reasons. 1) to see exactly how close his children were to Salem. 2) to see if he could protect his kids any way he could, knowing they wouldnt back out now. But the reason he was telling Qrow all this (instead of sticking to his if-it-involved-Raven-i-dont-talk-about-it mentality) was because of one of the few things she mentioned about Haven: the disowning.

Tai wanted him to know that despite all their problems that Qrow was still his family. Not because Raven is still legally married to Tai, not because hes Yang's blood uncle, but because Qrow has been apart of Tai's life and chosen family as far back as STRQ.

Qrow's felt like a outsider to Tai ever since (and every time) things got serious with whoever Tai's dating. Qrow felt like a third wheel when Tai was with Raven, and Qrow was to raw from the increasingly strained relationship with Raven to let go of Summer and Tai when they got together. And ever since Qrow has felt like he was there in Tai's life but no longer apart of it. Even after Tai recovered from his depression, Qrow felt like a visitor in the house he still considers his home despite being called "uncle".

And Tai knows Qrow broke ties with Tribe soon after Beacon, and Raven hadnt truely been his sister in 20 years, but to have what you known from literal birth taken from you still hurt. And now Tai knows Qrow isnt drinking so the only way he can cope is by not thinking about it.

So Tai had to tell Qrow what he meant to him

And when he found out about Tyrian he realized Qrow couldve died not knowing Tai still loves him

Tai ends up ranting about all the things he loves about Qrow, about how he regrets that almost every word said to Qrow in the last 15 years has been unkind

Qrow is now confused to if this is a fixing my mistakes kind of thing or a love confession

So he asks

And Tai gets a little sheepish because it was a fixing my mistakes because i love you thing but a little past halfway into his rant he realized hes IN love with Qrow and has been for a while now

And Qrow decides f it. Tai is doing his embarrassed thing Qrow still finds cute even now when theyre middle aged adults getting their first gray hairs. So Qrow gets up from the cheap academy table theyre sitting at and kisses Tai

"After the world stops ending do you wanna try that dating thing again?" "You think we'll make it past one week this time?" "I actually meant since you havent gone on a date in about 15 years." "Oh. Well im pretty sure you havent been on a proper date since Beacon" "Are you gonna take me on a proper date then?" "Yeah"

[liljaehyun]

Three Cards | Felix Lee

Synopsis: You’re a tarot reader and every month you have the same lonely visitor.

Genre: ANGST, IdolAU

Word count: 910 (a short lil one cos i havent written anything in AGES)

6:56 PM

“Hey stranger.” you smiled warmly at the boy standing in front of you. It’s been like this every month for the past 3 months or so, Felix Lee coming to get his cards read - again. 

Following a tragic breakup between him and a past lover he had been coming to your little safe haven; it was situated just on top of a small coffee shop - the smells of coffee and desserts wafting through your open windows every so often. He looked just as good as he did last month; light blonde hair in his eyes and freckles dusting over his cheeks.

Felix looked like he was going through a hard time, he always did. He looked tired. Every ‘hello’ was greeted with a tired smile and sad eyes; yet he lied. He always lied - but he knew you knew.

“Hey.” He looked at me with stars in his eyes. Beautiful tired stars, galaxies and moons. You could have sworn you saw shooting stars in them. Getting lost you shook it off and began to perform your ritual. It wasn't uncommon to prepare and situate the atmosphere before the client came - but you always waited for his arrival so you could ask which incense he wanted burned this time.

Laying out the card decks in front of you, you let his hands guide themselves over them carefully. This was Felix’s favourite part of the reading - picking the deck and analysing the artwork carefully, trying his best to understand the meaning of every card before you said anything. His hands guided him to the Fountain Tarot deck and you smiled knowing how much he adored this one. In truth you never had to ask him to pick, it was always this one. 

Every single time. 

“You know already but I’m still in a lot of pain. Not because of her anymore - but life. I feel like I have the weight of the whole world on my shoulders sometimes, and frankly I don’t know how to shake this feeling. I’m scared-” he paused looking down at his hands. His breath hitched in his throat and he shook his head. 

He looked up slowly, never making eye contact with you. Just keeping his eyes on your hands holding the deck of cards. He just wanted guidance on where to go from here and you understood that. You sent a gentle smile his way and put your cards down momentarily so you could hold his hands.

“Felix Lee, you have survived your entire life up until this point. You’ve survived heartbreak, trauma, and you live in a world where one can only imagine.” You squeezed his hands softly as your smile faltered. “Let’s breathe together okay?”

No words were exchanged after that, just the quiet cracking of the incense burning and the sound of cars driving past. This went on for a moment before you picked your cards up again.

You shuffled carefully and waited for his ‘stop’ and fluke cards falling. Felix never paid for more than three cards, so you pulled the three and laid them out on the table. Not shocked at what you saw. 

Strength reversed.

Eight of pentacles.

Five of pentacles.

“Externally you show great strength and you’re proud of the work you do. You strive to be on the path to greatness although your mind tumbles frequently into depressed states. This can be attributed to a relationship, friendships, or feeling outcast from the people you surround yourself with.” 

Felix loved how deep you delved into his mind. It was exciting and beautiful and he loved how deeply focused you were especially on something so miniscule like his life. Getting his cards read scared him at first, until he met you. Your aura was soft, warm, and even though he’d never admit it, this was his favourite part of the month.

“You are consistently on a journey of self discovery although your mind blocks so much of your potential. This month holds such an openness for spiritual strength and vitality.” 

Smiling now, you looked up at him and you were met with a kind smile back. You and Felix sat there for the next hour talking about his cards. Questions were thrown your way and you had an answer to every single one leaving him just as impressed as every other time - almost as if he came here with the expectation of you getting something wrong. 

This pattern continued for the next few months that went by - however every month that passed was another stepping stone for Felix. His visits becoming shorter, and his smiles growing wider - you almost resented the universe for allowing him to be this happy, but you didn’t. You enjoyed watching him joke around and laugh more and more - But you were falling so hard for him every passing visit it was becoming increasingly hard not to be biased when reading his cards. 

6:59 PM

No sign of Felix this month.

Or any other month.

You expected this sooner or later - but it didn’t mean it hurt any less. You had been following his adventures on instagram; his bright smile lighting up your timeline and the stars in his eyes glowing and glistening more than ever before. He didn’t need your advice, he was better now - and although the pain was excruciating, you were happy. You were genuinely happy for Lee Felix - and that's more than you could have ever asked for.

OKAY I’m gonna start by saying I havent written any fanfics in years but I’ve been on a binge reading @staywritten‘s stories. (They are absolutely correct by the way, there definitely isn’t enough Felix angst so I had to join the club.)

Please please check out  A Simpler Time by @staywritten as this is so heavily inspired by this. Thank you all (if you even read this ???) Please leave feedback im so nervous posting this wow wtf.

[notafightr]

It fic exchange!!!

so here's my reddie fic for @disneyfan567​ for the it fic exchange event! no trigger warnings, sorry for any mistakes or lack of skill this displays as i havent written in a long time and this is the first time ive written in this fandom

(°﹏°)

  Eddie was 13 when he moved to Ohio. Sonia decided she had had enough of Derry, and the small town was doing more harm than good to her delicate son. To describe Eddie's reaction, reluctant was an understatement. He was leaving his 6 best friends, his only real friends, all because of his mother's glorified temper tantrum.

  The past 3 years were (in)arguably the best years of his life. He met his best friends, more of a family than his own (which really just consisted of his overbearing mother), he had irreplaceable experiences and memories with his best friends, these friends entirely shaped and nurtured his character. So to have his mother rip all of that away from him, well it understandably upset him. Most of all, he didn't know how he was going to cope with the frequent flashbacks and nightmares that taxed him emotionally and mentally several times a week, dutifully owed to that short, albeit rather traumatic summer of 89’.

  For 3 long, yet oh so short years, Eddie coped with these strains through the support of his friends, especially a loudmouthed, annoying boy with Coke bottle glasses and slightly bucked teeth, named Richard Tozier, who couldn't find it in him to ever stop annoying Eddie, or stop telling him how much he loved him, or stop picking flowers for him on walks because he knew even though Eddie denied it, they really did make Eddie happier than he cared to admit.

  How do you cope with a demon clown terrorising you and your friends’ lives for an entire summer, haunting you as your worst fear, using unholy tactics to scare you in unimaginable ways, trapping you in its crack den, and almost killing you miles below land level, all at the ripe age of 10? Hopefully you found yourself down there with your 6 best friends. You also let your mind do the forgetting. Well, what it can. There's some things you can't forget.

  Until you leave Derry.

  Eddie started forgetting the moment the plane took off, whether he realized it or not. He managed to remember his friends for a short while, but vaguely. He didn't remember the poems Ben gave him every birthday, or that the friendship bracelet on his left wrist was made by thee Beverly Marsh. He didn't remember that the reason his room was always so tidy was because Stan Uris couldn't help himself every time they chose Eddie’s place as the hangout spot (when Sonia wasn't home of course), or all the scary stories Bill liked to tell at their weekly sleepovers at the ass crack of 3 am. He didn't remember how Jessica and Will Hanlon were by far the superior parents of the friend group and the snacks they so generously provided to said group were the best he ever had, no doubt that Mike directly inherited their kind and generous traits.

  When he woke up at the end of his plane ride, he didn't even remember that the lily flower in his hand was given to him as a parting gift by Richie, whose parents picked him up from the airport after he gave one last hug goodbye at the gate and waved Eddie off with flower in hand. Even after intently looking down, confused, and finally remembering it was indeed Richie who gave him the flower, he still didn't remember Richie’s endearing flower giving habit.

  He promised them he'd stay in touch, but it wasn't long before the initials BH, BM, SU, BD, MH, and RT were just meaningless letters next to a series of unknown house phone numbers.

  It wasn't until he forgot one particular conversation with Bill during a sleepover one night in 6th grade that he forgot Richie completely.

  “Bill?” Eddie whispered, lying down in Bill’s bed, not even sure if Bill was awake.

  “Y-yeah?” Bill replied after some silence.

  “So, we're best friends right?”

  “Well y-yeah, I m-mean all-” Bill started before being interrupted.

  “No I mean like, I know the seven of us are best friends obviously, but I mean, we’re best-best friends, you know what I mean? Like even before the lucky seven it's always been us right?”

  “Oh. Yeah I s-suppose.” Bill reassured him.

  It took Eddie a second to try and gather his thoughts and articulate what he was trying to say.

  “Well, I feel like, Richie’s different from all of you.”

  “Yeah n-no sh-shit Eddie, that k-kid can't k-keep his mou-” Bill was again interrupted.

  “No, that's not what I mean. I mean,” Eddie again had to organize his thoughts in his head, which proved to be difficult when not even he knew what he was thinking. “I mean I feel different with him. Like when he gives me flowers and stuff, and he's the only one that calls me Eds. But I know you're my best friend. My best-best friend. Am I wrong? Maybe Richie is my best-best friend?” At this point it felt like Eddie was just saying it out loud for himself.

  After a few seconds, which felt like several minutes to Eddie, Bill giggled.

  “What?” Eddie asked, almost panicked.

  While Bill didn't necessarily believe this, the thought amused him greatly. “It s-sounds like you have a c-cr-crush on h-him.”

  “Wh-... you th-” Eddie just about got whiplash from Bill’s statement. “You think I have a crush on him?!”

  “I n-never said that… I j-just said it s-sounds like you do.”

  “I'm not… I don't like boys like that. My mom told me what it means if you do and what happens, and I don't think I do,” he backtracked.

  At this point, Bill was almost asleep. “Okay Eddie, that's fine,”

  “I think maybe you're just both my best friends,” Eddie assured, but undoubtedly he said this more for himself than for Bill. Bill probably succumbed to slumber before Eddie could even start.

  Once any evidence of this conversation having occurred left his brain, any trace of Richie was buried deep under newer things. The others were already long gone. The nightly nightmares he experience fizzled out eventually, but they did resurface every once in a while. On the other side of the same coin however, he did have dreams about the good times with the losers. He never remembered them when he woke up, though.

  Not to mention, he was frequently frustrated at his lack of motivation to clean his room properly, wondering why his always clean room in Derry suddenly had no place in his new life in Ohio. Where's a Stan Uris when you need him?

  He tried to make friends. For a bit he was even in a nice friend group of people he clicked fairly well with, they were funny and kind and they welcomed him with open arms. But nothing felt right. They were funny, but it hurt to laugh at their jokes, they were nice, but almost too nice. If anyone so much as cracked a your mom joke, Eddie's first thought was an annoyed “Stop trying to be-” but always stopped short right there.

  Stop trying to be who?

  He didn't know. He didn't remember.

  So at the end of his sophomore year, when he asked his mom to sign his permission form for the classes he wanted to take the upcoming school year, his mom declined.

  “Eddie Bear, we're moving back to Derry this summer.” Sonia said apologetically, understanding he'll have to say goodbye to the friends he doesn't have.

  “Wait, what?” confused was an understatement. He had to rack his brain for a moment to even remember what “Derry” meant.

  “It’s getting difficult for me to support us financially here, so we're moving back near your Aunt Jodie and she's going to help us a little bit. We should start packing no later than the end of May, we’ll be out of the house and into the new one at the beginning of July in time for you to to get settled and start school at Derry High.”

  Eddie had never felt more indifferent in his whole entire life, while also feeling an inkling of hope he didn't quite understand. If anything, his biggest curiosity was why he didn't feel even a whisper of sadness for leaving the people he knew in Marietta, Ohio. While Eddie didn't care about moving back to Derry, and it meant almost nothing to him on the surface, the Eds inside of Eddie couldn't help peeking through.

  So they moved back. Eddie finished packing up his belongings before the deadline his mother gave to start packing had even passed, and he didn't bother telling any of his “friends” (perhaps acquaintances is a more applicable word) that he was leaving because the truth was, it was more trouble than it was worth. They would no doubt care more than twice as much as he did, so he left without so much of a trace of a goodbye.

  Now that Eddie was 16, he could drive. While Sonia wouldn't buy Eddie his own car, not over her dead body, she did allow him to use hers when it was available, and given her physical state and social life, it was almost always available. After a solid 8 hours of unpacking his things in his new, snug room on an otherwise uneventful July evening, he picked up his mom's keys.

  “Bye Mom!” he shouted loud enough for his mom to hear without bothering to hear her response as he shut the door.

  He shoved the key in ignition. Despite not having been in town for 3 years, he was still able to navigate the area without assistance. He drove to the coffee shop that he had vague memories of visiting during middle school winters for hot chocolate with some friends whose faces he couldn't quite remember yet.

  Walking in it didn't look much different. Not that Derry would care enough to update the coffee shop, or any shop for that matter, for any reason.

  “Hi, how can I help you?” a blonde girl at the register asked uninterestedly.

  She definitely hates her job, Eddie thought while pointlessly perusing the menu, already knowing what he planned to order. Sophomore year was not academically kind to Eddie, and a caffeine addiction to compensate for the mass amount of all nighters pulled did occur.

  “Can I just have a black coffee with sugar?” he asked while digging through his tattered black wallet he received as a birthday gift in seventh grade. He then flinched his head up in response to hearing another employee drop an entire pitcher of coffee on the floor.

  “Oh, fuck,” said worker pointedly exclaimed, which not only stirred a giggle out of Eddie, but his voice in combination with his oddly familiar black curly hair caused his heart drop, though completely lost as to why.

  “Your name?”

  “Hello?” She asked after a moment.

  “Hello!” the blonde girl repeatedly nagged, trying to catch Eddie’s lost attention.

  “What? Sorry I missed that,” Eddie finally grounded himself. Unfortunately his attempt to catch the other employees face failed as he stayed turned away and then hurried to his hands and knees on the floor.

  “I need your name for your order.”

  “Oh yeah of course, Eddie.” Not even seconds after his response, he heard something nearly inaudible, completely not understandable from the employee on the floor, which was confirmed by the blonde girl, which Eddie now gathered from her name tag to be Sarah, who exasperatedly asked about the other employee’s struggle.

  “You alright down there?”

  “Yeah, I’m just peachy, Sarah,” hearing the voice even clearer instilled a visceral reaction even stronger in Eddie once again.

  Sarah took Eddie’s cash, distributed his change, and set his cup down on the back counter for when the other employee to make when he was done cleaning up his mess. He picked a seat close by the counter and waited. After a few minutes, longer than probably usual, given time dedicated to cleaning up the coffee on the floor, Eddie heard his name called by the same antagonist and saw his coffee set on the counter, but employee was again out of sight. Eddie grabbed the coffee and with no reason to stay he made his way back to the car.

  Drinking his iced coffee on his way home, at a stop light he picked up his drink and studied it curiously. He noticed the boy who made his drink must have added his name for some reason because when Sarah set it down for him to make, there was nothing written on it. However, clearly on the cup, was his name:

  While looking at the little flower next to his name made him smile, it was a cute gesture, it filled him with a familiar sense of longing and loneliness, as if he was missing something. He got home, finished his coffee, continued unpacking, dreadfully argued with his mom about leaving the house without telling her where he was going, and went to sleep. It was less of a need for caffeine but more of an eagerness to learn about a curly headed, clumsy employee that brought him back to the coffee shop the next day.

  So he came back. He came back at the same time too, to have his best chance of the boy being on shift.

  “How can I help you?” Sarah asked.

  “Black coffee with sugar, Eddie.” successfully staying on track with Sarah this time around.

  Again, she set the blank cup on the counter and just like before, his name with a dainty doodle of a flower beside it. Unfortunately, even if he wanted to say anything to the employee which Eddie now knew wears a big pair of glasses, his introverted nature wouldn't allow it. Back to home it was, to continue setting up his new room.

  The next couple of weeks was the same routine, and quite lonely. Being in the middle of summer, with no school to be his vessel of socializing, and no friends, it was him, his lonely self, and his mom. For all intents and purposes, him and his lonely self.

  However one morning, in a hurry as he had a family gathering for brunch to attend to, he knew he wouldn't be able to get to the coffee shop in the evening so he came in the morning, despite knowing the shift would likely not be the same.

  He walked in and noticed it was in fact not Sarah at the register but didn't look further.

  “How can I help you?” The boy at the register was looking down.

  “Just a black coffee and sugar. Eddie.” He got the cash from his wallet and told the boy he could keep the change as he was already late to his aunt's house and confident he could do without the dollar and 74 cents. As he walked to the counter to get his coffee as soon as it was ready, he noticed the boy scribbling his name and a flower on the cup but his brain didn't process anything other than how late he was. He took his coffee eagerly and made his way back to his car, knowing his mom (who was already there after being picked up by her sister) was no stranger to yelling at Eddie for “caring more about himself than his family”.

  On the drive to his house he allowed himself time to think and thought about the boy at the register. He was familiar to Eddie and not just because he's seen him every day for two weeks, making his regular order with ease.

  The Coke bottle glasses.

  The flower.

  The unkempt, black, curly hair.

  But that was still too out of reach for him. He thought about it for as long as he could without having an aneurysm from working his brain too hard and decided he would come back the next morning for the same shift.

  Sonia greeted Eddie outside before he was able to come inside.

 “Eddie bear, why are you so late?”

  “Sorry ma, I was up late finishing my summer assignment and I stopped to get coffee when I left,” Eddie started despite knowing this wouldn't be enough to appease his mom.

  “Aunt Jodie is being very kind to help us out and this is the first time seeing family since we've gotten back, you should show your gratitude properly. Say thank you when we come in.”

  “I will, Ma. Why didn't you just wake me up and take the car here?”

  “Aunt Jodie wanted to catch up with me before everyone else got here. She took us to breakfast. I figured you'd have enough autonomy to drive yourself here on time. Are you feeling well? Did you sleep enough?”

  “Yes, ma!” Eddie spoke as he got out of the car and locked it, handing the keys to his mom. “I just overslept. Sorry for being late.”

  However, while his cousins and aunts and uncles were asking him how Ohio was and if he was sad to leave his friends and if he left a broken hearted girlfriend back in Marietta, all he could think about was the coffee shop employee who never failed to doodle a flower next to his name.

  He got home late, worked on his summer assignment, because against what he told his mom, he had in fact not started yet. He made sure to wake up at the same time as the morning before and headed to the coffee shop. To his pleasure, the boy was at the register.

  “How can I help you?”

  Eddie stared at him.

  “Uh,” He couldn't help but chortle as Eddie stared, wordlessly, and then it appeared as though a freight train of memories hit him square in the head.

  “Oh my God,” Eddie nearly dropped to the floor. “Richie? Richie fucking Tozier? Is this a joke?”

  “Ya know Eds, I was starting to think you really forgot me. Or maybe you just hated me.” Richie allowed himself to laugh.

  “I… I did forget you? But how? We-” and at that moment Richie could visibly see It creep itself back into Eddie’s memories.

  “Holy shit? You forgot about that too? Do you have amnesia? What happened to that pretty little head of yours?” Richie put his hand on Eddie's forehead and pretended to feel his temperature.

  “Oh my God,” whiplash had struck Eddie again. “I need to sit down,” He started to move to a chair nearby when he remembered more. “The others! Beverly, and Ben, and Stan and Bill and Mike!” he quite literally felt like someone waking up from a 20 year coma, rediscovering everything that happened before he fell asleep.

  “They're peachy. Stan's actually getting back from visiting his family in Florida today.” Richie informed him. “Any reason you never stayed in touch like you said you would? Left a man hanging.”

  “It's like, wait- those initials were yours!” Suddenly three years of wondering who those house numbers in his binder belonged to clicked. “It’s like I forgot you guys as soon as I left,”

  “That soon? Ed's, you wound me,” Richie teased. “But you're still wearing the friendship bracelet Bev made.” He held out his wrist and displayed a bracelet of the same pattern but in different colors. “What’s she got that I don't?”

  For the first time in 3 years, Eddie let out a genuine laugh.

  “Are you busy, cutie? I'm on break in 15 minutes and I can get someone to cover the rest of my shift,” Richie asked, hopeful.

  “Yeah that's fine.. uh.. have you been working every day? All day?” Eddie asked, concerned.

  “Well the past couple of weeks at least a couple of us from the gang has been visiting family or doin’ some crazy shit so I figured I'd make use of time and make some money, we're doing a road trip in a couple of weeks.”

  “Oh that's cool-”

  “You're invited, if you want, obviously. What better way to celebrate you coming back than a road trip? Ed's, just wait till’ they find out you're back-” Richie cut himself off when he noticed another man walk into the shop and they both decided to end the conversation there so he could order. “Okay hold on I'm gonna take his order, and I'll be out in 10 minutes, you can wait here if you want?”

  “Sounds good,” Eddie couldn't help the smile on his face, it's contagiousness showing in Richie's smile.

  After waiting for a bit, Richie came from the back out of his uniform, a bag on his shoulder, and a rose in his hand. He held it out to Eddie.

  “Do you just, carry flowers with you?” Eddie looked at him curiously.

  “No but I- after I saw you yesterday morning and I passed this one on my way to work, something told me I should grab it.” Eddie took it. “Flowers still get ya goin’?” Eddie punched him in the shoulder.

  “Thanks, Rich.” He smiled.

  “Where to now, spaghetti?” Richie put his arm around Eddie.

  “For 3 glorious years I never had to hear that, don't call me spaghetti!”

  “Okay Eds, answer the question!”

[itslmdee]

Fic: No Pride in Exlusionism

This month's theme is 'gatekeeping'. Today's piece looks at gatekeeping within the LGBTQ+ community.

"You're home early," Roger said. Mae sat heavily on the sofa next to him, kicking off her heels. She leaned over to kiss his cheek and then leaned back, staring at the ceiling.

Roger muted the tv. "You okay?"

"I dropped out of the planning committee."

"Why?"

Mae shook her head, took a deep shuddering breath. "This party...Gays for Halloween. I wanted a different name from the start. What does that even mean? Gay people support a holiday that many people think is an American import? Pumpkins in pride colours?"

Roger shifted to look at her. "Actually I can see paper pumpkins in pride colours."

Mae gave a wry smile. "Me too. That's not why I quit. It was Josie mostly, her and Jane and Peter. I was filling up the urn in the kitchen before we got started and I heard Josie talking by the serving hatch. Saying they were so glad John had joined us, an actual gay. She was feeling the committee was being overrun by bihets."

"She said that?" Roger took Mae's hand.

"I had three serious relationships with women before we got married," Mae said. "I'm bisexual. Marrying you doesn't change that."

"I know." He squeezed her hand. "I know."

Mae squeezed back. "Me and Tim and Desiree are all bi. Laura's lesbian but Josie is suspicious of anyone who's ever dated a man though she gives Dan a pass for a past girlfriend. Anyway Jane was giggling and agreeing because I think she fancies Josie - only reason she agreed to be vice chair when Rachel said she needed fewer responsibilities this year. And Peter...my God."

Roger waited patiently. One of the cats wandered over to inspect Mae's discarded shoes.

"I'm not that much older than most of them," Mae said. "But they don't seem to know anything about the history of the gay rights movement. Queer history, except Josie says queer is a slur despite it being reclaimed and used to push for greater awareness. And so they're trying to force out anyone who isn't a gay man or a good enough lesbian. Peter had a lot of opinions on the right kind of trans people who should be allowed to participate. The group has become increasingly exclusionary."

"So you quit?"

"Yes. I will not gatekeep," Mae said. "I will not tolerate bihet being thrown around to try and exclude bisexuals, or cishets to exclude asexuals, or get involved in the dysphoria debate to try and debate the rights of trans people. Josie doesn't want LGBT let alone Q, I, and A. Josie and Peter want L and G and screw everyone else."

Roger sighed. "Maybe there's another group you can join. A more inclusive one."

"Maybe." Mae let go of Roger's hand and got to her feet. "I'm making coffee, want one?"

"Please."

Roger knew Mae had found kinship, friendship, and purpose over the last six years she'd worked with the LGBT+ community group. She'd miss it. But he also knew she was principled and wouldn't regret quitting rather than supporting exclusionism.

"Did you talk to Maggie about this?" he asked when Mae returned with their drinks.

"I told her I quit, apologised that she'd probably have to pick up my role in organising the Halloween party."

"What about Peter? Is Maggie the right kind of trans woman according to him?"

Mae shrugged. "Maggie can take care of herself," she said. "My only regret is that if Peter talks out of turn like I heard him doing with Josie is I won't get to watch Maggie rip him a new one."

Notes and further reading

A lot of this gatekeeping takes place online; people say they've only experienced being excluded from online spaces and not groups in real life. However there are some people reporting being harassed at Pride for being seemingly straight while being bisexual, trans, or nb in a heterosexual relationship. The people who say the A in the LGBTQA is for ally not asexual to gatekeep are probably the same ones trying to gatekeep anyone who doesn't look 'gay' enough from participating in Pride.

"With the advent of queer theory and the launch of Queer as Folk, “queer” became used online as a more concise umbrella term than the full LGBT+ acronym (which, depending on who you ask, is LGBTQQIP2SAA). Today, interpretations of “queer” go a step further, and its acceptance generally splits along generational lines. Many young people — myself included — view “queer” as a term defining all nonstraight, nonbinary identities. “Queer” addresses the fluidity of gender and sexual orientation" - https://www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/2017/8/02/21-words-queer-community-has-reclaimed-and-some-we-havent#media-gallery-media-2

3 Differences Between the Terms ‘Gay’ and ‘Queer’ — and Why It Matters - https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/03/difference-between-gay-queer/

"The word "queer" has only recently been identified as a slur because of TERFs and exclusionists. Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists (TERF) and radical gender/sexuality bianarists are flooding social media and blogging sites with propaganda smearing the word queer in the hopes of silencing all of us who don’t identify with their hate politics. Queer is the one word that doesn’t worship exclusion." - https://aminoapps.com/c/lgbt-1/page/blog/history-of-the-word-queer/BQ4p_GxRHwu5Xz35RWB31oKMLp8XJ8r7Ybo

Tumblr repsonse to "What does bihet mean" - https://bisexual-community.tumblr.com/post/93798259302/this-probably-sounds-stupid-but-what-does-bihet

On ace discourse and exclusionism on the internet vs in real life - https://medium.com/@meganhoins/the-rhetoric-of-digital-ace-discourse-4a690792f0bc

"According to 2013 Pew Research Center data, about 84 percent of bisexual adults who are in “committed relationships” are with “opposite-sex partners.” Within a broader LGBT community that too often guesses someone’s sexual orientation based on who they happen to be with at the moment, that statistic means many bisexual people get read as “straight”—or, at least, something less than fully queer." https://www.thedailybeast.com/why-bisexuals-feel-ignored-and-insulted-at-lgbt-pride

"Transmedicalism is a term for a wide range of beliefs in the transgender community that are critical of transgender people who haven't medically transitioned and/or don't experience major dysphoria. Many transmedicalists (or "transmeds" for short) focus on gatekeeping....Although the debate has been going since the '60s, it has gained more notoriety in the Internet age, particularly on Tumblr. Transmedicalists may be called "transmeds" or "truscum," while anti-transmedicalists may be called "tucutes" or (often erroneously) "transtrenders." " - https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Transmedicalism

[lavellane]

DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS

tagged by: @nordxz​ thanks so much !!! *heart emoji* 

favourite game of the series?

origins! although inquisition is very close as well.  inquisition was my favourite for a very time, but like midway through last year i replayed origins and it just felt.....so good. i really struggled with enjoying dao because of the clunky fighting system but an amazing mutual introduced me to a mod that lets u skip fights basically lol, so i was just able to focus on the story/characters/exploration of the game, which just....made me realize how immensely beautiful the game actually is, and i fell in love all over again aaaaa

how did you discover dragon age?

i was a huge mass effect fan ! mass effect was the game that motivated me to make this blog, actually, and obviously through following people i saw a lot of posts from the da community as well. so i bought origins and inquisition (i had NO idea there was a da2 until half way through awakening lmao) and tried to play origins but HATED it gtrhutgrhugtr and then eventually gave it another try like a month later and completely loved it and now here we are

how many times you’ve played the games?

not as many times as some people on here have - i would say origins maybe four times, da2 maybe twice, inquisition three times. but that also doesnt count all the timesw ive created new games and then abandoned them lol bc theres too many to count 

favourite race to play as?

love me some elf booty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

favourite class?

at first it was rogue dual wielder ! i played as a rogue in every single first-time playthrough and idk i felt that class has always been the easiest/most op. but in the last maybe 2 years it’s changed to mage. ive always been super intimidated by magic classes in every game i play but i LOVE inquisition’s mage classes/specializations and i can never go back now

do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

im so so so bad and i usually end up making very similar choices, but usually bc i just......replay the same characters every time hgtuhgtruhgtrui. i REALLY need to make more da ocs to explore more choices but....i dont want to lol i already have to many. i still havent sided with the templars in a playthrough like i just cant do it 

go-to adventuring group?

i always bring my characters love interest with them no matter what, just bc its cute, but usually i try to evenly cycle the other characters around that. i always try to have a warrior/rogue/mage in every party. but sometimes i’ll go warrior/warrior/mage/mage especially if i need to focus on straight damage and a LOT of healing lol

my favourite parties would probably be:

dao - alistair + zevran + wynne (wholesome and also funny)

da2 - anders + fenris + merrill (SO much chaotic energy)

dai - solas + cassandra + cole (i just love them ok)

which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

ashara lavellan, my canon inquisitor who was never supposed to be canon tghtgurhtrg. my original canon inq was a trevelyan rogue, who was super nice and good. i made ashara so that i could actually play as an evil/mean character without feeling bad lol, oh and i also wanted to see what the deal with solas was bc i had heard his romance was good ;;;;) anyway that backfired and i ended up completely falling in love with her, and i STILL couldnt make the tough choices with her so i was like ok maybe she isnt THAT evil and now shes just..... the way she is now i guess lmao

favourite romance?

trhhtruih okay u guys KNOW its solas. u know. i dont even have to say anythiing about it bc...u fucking know

(alistair’s is very close tho)

have you read any of the comics/books?

i havent :(((( im such a bad fan but i cannot deal with ordering online and thats the only place ive been able to find them. im planning on reading asunder and the masked empire as soon as i get the chance (and the money) tho !!

if you read them, which was your favourite book?

nope

favourite DLCs?

trespasser ! its pretty simple and very plot-driven like u didnt have to worry about side missions as much as u would with other dlcs so idk that was... refreshing. but obviously i loved it just bc it was so beautiful and intense and sad (since my chara romanced solas obviously) and that music score????? unbelievable i’ll never be over it

things that annoy you.

can i say the fandom trghuitgrhutrhui

mostly the thing that pisses me off the most is the grey morality. writers trying to make everything deep and Thought Provoking like..... no jerry, slavery IS bad theres no alternative viewpoint lol??????? also the fucking whitewashing makes me see red. 

orlais or ferelden?

ferelden!!!!! (*blows a kiss* for highever)

templars or mages?

mages <3 

if you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

i only have like 3 protag da characters and they’re all canon, although emeraude is an au. so ella is my canon warden and ashara is my canon inquisitor, but emeraude does exist in that universe, bc i hc she befriended the warden and alistair when they visited the alienage, and she was very outspokenly angry and didn’t really give a shit that alistair was going to be heir. which alistair really,,, appreciated i guess? so emeraude is made his official elven adviser after his coronation but she also kinda helps out as a royal protector because she’s one of the only people in court they both trust completely lol. also she is....stronk. 

and the only other characters i have for da are obviously side characters who are related to my canon protags so. they’re all canon as well lol

what did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

ella named her dog ser bark gthutgrhutghruihtr she thought it was cute ok

emeraude just went with barkspawn since alistair came up with the idea as a joke but she thought the joke was so bad she made them keep it as punishment vjhuightui

i dont really have a hawke oc but.....he named his dog shepard in my playthrough ! like from mass effect ;;;;)))

have you installed any mods?

origins is modded to hell and back and i genuinely couldn’t play the game without mods at this point. inquisition is slightly modded but im in the process of removing them all, and only keeping a few because my game runs pretty terribly with them installed 

did your warden want to become a grey warden?

ella did ! but it was kind of,, a naive childhood dream, she had a really romanticized view of the wardens and she wanted a life of excitement and bravery and adventure, not really taking into consider all the bad things about it (and obviously not knowing the full truth about what it means to be a warden)

emeraude did NOT want to be a warden. she basically had to be dragged out of the alienage because she wanted to stay and protect her community. she never really enjoyed being a warden, although her friendship with alistair was its one redeeming quality 

hawke’s personality?

uh i cant remember the colour/personality thing but he was a combo of funny/ethical. mostly there for memes tho. 

did you make matching armor for your companions in inquisition?

for origins i do ! i always make sure alistair and ella wear the grey warden armour, as well as every warden in awakening. thats like, all theyre allowed to wear lmao.

if your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

ella would obviously change her family’s murder lol, and emeraude would at least try and change what happened at her wedding, to prevent shianni and the others from being hurt. 

ashara would change romancing solas :((( she was so angry at herself after discovering who he was, and she felt weak and foolish which she HATES more than any other feeling, so she definitely wishes she had never met him for a long time. after she kind of processes it though, and learns to deal with her anger, her answer would be that she wishes she had saved the chargers. it’s the one move she made that actually keeps her up at night sometimes. 

do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

ghuitrhuigtrhugtr so many. canon? dont know her. 

the biggest example would be that i hc king!alistair was at the winter palace during the wicked hearts level. because uh..... celene and the fereldan monarchs had been corrosponding for over 10 years, trying to build up rapport, of COURSE the king would be there to see who the potential ruler/s of orlais would be and whether or not he ought to be worried. like. im sorry but alistair was there lol you can’t change my mind. i also hc he helps ashara with information about the grey wardens during this chapter, because ???? it just makes sense??? im so angry i wish this was canon

are any of your characters based on someone?

ok it was unintentional but ashara reminds me of an english teacher i had in highschool who was very scary but also....really cool and i loved her. it was an accident but,, still counts. 

who did you leave in the fade?

gtiturghtugh okay at the risk of pissing off EVERYBODY who reads this, i left hawke in the fade, even though it was a toss up between hawke and stroud. it was ashara’s fault tho !!! she would have 100% prioritzed an alliance with the grey wardens over like,, some guy. it broke my heart but yeah That happened. 

favourite mount?

i like all the elk mounts mostly ! but i never use them bc they sound ugly af

tagging : @trvelyans​ @f3nharel​ @allisondraste​ @ensevens​ @tethraas​ @talizorah​ @fereldun​ if u are up to it <3 and whoever else wants to do this ! 

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

Ghost of you, 15/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 15/?.

Pairings: Human!Nine x Rose; Human!Ten x Jack; Clara Oswald x Olivia Baxter (OC).

Synopsis: "She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before."

A/N: I've started writing this fiction last year after I had a particularly weird dream (as usual) and after I wrote the prologue, I've put it aside to work on other stuff. I've gone back to it not so long ago and decided that it would be the fiction I would post next, after not posting anything for a while. I must have watched I am legend and Game of thrones way too much to come out with something like this but I hope you will like it. I am not a scientist, nor did I have a particular knowledge of sciences. I do my researches on the internet like everyone to make sure everything is as close to the reality as possible. I have a literature degree only. Writing is what I do and it makes me explore next fields, and learn new things.

“'Cause I'd rather feel your pain than nothing at all.” - Three Doors Down.

CHAPTER 15:

Amy woke up slowly. She was wrapped into a cocoon of warmth and well-being. She didn’t remember when was the last time she had felt so well. She stretched her body. She was taking all her time. She didn’t want to lose this precious well-being she hadn’t felt in ages. There was someone lay by her side. She rolled on her side and cuddled into the warm body beside her. She heard a smile and someone wrapped an arm around her. She must be dreaming but that dream was pleasurable. She liked it. She lazily wrapped her arm around that person. She didn’t know what she had expected but certainly not to be so close to a woman. This surprised her beyond words and she reluctantly rolled away from the unknown person she liked cuddling into. She couldn’t let herself go that way. The other woman reacted by trying to soothe her but Amy was too sleepy to be calmed down so easily. She needed to clear her mind first. Moaning, she pushed the hand away and rubbed her eyes. She stretched her body and looked around her. She wasn’t in her office but she wasn’t in her house either. It was a room she didn’t know. Had she done it again? Had she drunk until she had a blackout and been brought home by some stranger? There were pictures on the wall facing the bed. Pictures of a couple. Great, the woman she was with was married. She would have to deal with another cheated husband. She knew well that she didn’t have any control on herself when she was drunk. It was only a way to mute her pain. She was doing this when it was too strong, when it was suffocating her. She focused on the pictures on the wall. She wanted to see what the man she would have to face in the near future – because fate always made sure she faced them – looked like and the last pieces of the puzzle clicked together. It was Maxence Spitz. She remembered how she had ended up here. She had watched Rose work with Maxence for a while and the scientist had taken her into the private parts of the lab. They had had a quick lunch and they had settled down here. After a quick shower, they had lain down in bed and, reassured that she wasn’t alone for once, Amy had fallen asleep rather quickly. How much time had she slept? Had Rose watched her while she was asleep or had she slept too? It felt weird to be here, in this bed, with the wife of the man supposed to be her boss at the moment. But it was the start of a friendship. “How long have I slept?” A certain time according to her croaked voice and the feeling of being rested. She hadn’t felt this way in a very long time. It was before… “I’d say eight solid hours.” “Eight hours?” “You needed that sleep.” “And you?” “A couple hours.” Amy looked up at Rose. She was sat against a pile of pillows, glasses on her head and a book on her lap. She was reading and marking pages by folding their upper corner. Probably a book about her current researches. She looked as exhausted as before though. “You don’t look like someone who’s slept.” “Never said it was a good sleep.” “Do you have nightmares?” “I’m not the only one.” Rose looked away from her book to stare at Amy. Those whiskey eyes were clear on the meaning of those words. Somewhen during the night she had dreamt of this event and she must have screamed and cried and struggled against the sheets. “Sorry.” “Don’t be. I know what it is.” If there was something nice about Rose, it was that she wasn’t asking questions. She was giving her the time to consider the eventuality and if she wasn’t talking, she wouldn’t insist. She would wait until she was ready. “We all have our demons. You know mine already.” “But you don’t know mine.” “You’re not forced to talk to me.” “You’ve been comforting me, that’s the least I can do. You’re also the only one to care about me here.” Her voice was sad when she evoked this lack of friends in her surroundings. Rose was the first one to ever hold a hand out to her in this place and it felt amazing to have someone like her so close to her. Somehow, it felt easier to make friends in such a situation. She hesitantly snuggled closer to her new friend. “In my hometown, I’m known to sleep with married women,” she chuckled. “It only happened once but you know how people are.” “We all do mistakes.” “When my pain was suffocating me, I was going to a pub and drinking until I couldn’t feel it anymore. Once, I was taken home by a woman and I woke up in her bed. Only to be caught by her husband a couple hours later.” Amy fell silent after this admission. She was waiting for the judgement to come. People always judged a woman that was sleeping with someone married or that was having relations with another woman. But Rose didn’t say a thing. Instead, she pointed to a picture on the wall. A younger version of her and Maxence together in a park. Maxence had his arms around Rose and he was smiling brightly. Rose was just as happy on this picture. “This was the day we admitted our feelings to each other. It was one month after I broke up with Liv.” “You mean…” “Olivia Baxter, our doctor. We’ve known each other since forever. I’m totally bi. Not gonna judge you on this one.” “We didn’t…” “No.” Amy was relieved to know this at least. A friend that wasn’t judging her and that hadn’t let her make another mistake. Finally someone open minded. “Not enough alcohol in this building for us to be drunk. And I’m faithful.” “I used to be,” sadly murmured the therapist. She sat up and stared at the wall before her. She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before but Rose was offering her the trust and friendship she needed. It was all new but she knew deep down that she could say anything to this woman. She would listen and never judge. Hopefully. As a way to prove it, Rose took her hand and gently squeezed it. “The virus was already out when it happened. It wasn’t as bad as it is now. We could go out and have fun. And that’s what we did, my husband and son and I. There was a fair in our little town and we’ve spent the day there. It was a long and amazing day. My little boy, my William…” Her voice trailed off and she stopped speaking for a couple minutes. The anxiety was strangling her again. Rose didn’t say anything, she just stroked her hand with her thumb. A way to reassure her, to tell her that she wasn’t alone. After all, she was going through a loss too and she knew what it was. There was nothing to say at the moment. She could only listen. “We let him eat too much sugar and he was sick. I was driving so Bob, my husband, could deal with our son. He was blaming me for buying so much candy floss and so many sweets and I was trying to argue that our son’s happiness was the only thing that mattered. Every kid experiences sickness because of sweets at one point. But this argument signed our end. It distracted us.” She closed her eyes as the memories flew into her mind. She could see herself driving, her husband turned to watch William who was complaining about a belly ache. Two parents arguing and a sick child. She was looking for a place to stop the car so they could get out and breathe some fresh air to make the nausea disappear. And this man came out of nowhere. She brutally steered to avoid him and she lost the control of the car. No matter how hard she was trying to get the control back, the car kept sliding on the road and her husband was yelling at her and it was disturbing her. What had to happen happened. The car left the road and collided with a tree. The shock was so violent and so sudden that the airbags didn’t work. Her head bumped against the steering wheel and she thought it was over for her. “When I woke up, I was in the ICU. They waited until I was transferred to the light cares unit before telling me the truth. They haven’t suffered, they say. The collision killed them both instantly.” This was the last straw. Amy burst into tears and Rose wrapped her arms around her. She hugged her tight and rubbed her back while she cried all the pain that was still hurting her heart.

x

Zachary was worried. He had watched Maxence working and entering all the formula he had written on the wall on his personal space. Zachary had transferred the data to Tegan for him to approve of them. He would have to talk with Rose to be sure this was exact and to use those formula for their researches. But that wasn’t the reason why Zachary was so worried. After he was done, Maxence had cleaned the walls and instead of pacing around his cage, he had lain down and closed his eyes as if he was gonna sleep. At first, Zachary had thought he was doing it out of habit – a habit from when he was human – or because he was simply bored and wanted to look at the ceiling like he was often doing. Allegro was watching a movie in his cell. There was nothing to worry about for him. However, for Maxence, things were getting complicated. His brain seemed to have switched to a standby mode. A sort of sleep that wasn’t really sleep. He was just lying there with his eyes closed. Zachary was keeping an eye on his vital signs. His brain activity had reduced to the minimum, to the very minimum. If Zach didn’t have the other information under his eyes, he would think that the man was dead or about to be. Maybe he was dying. Zachary wasn’t very qualified on this field but he was clever enough to understand that something was wrong. The vital signs weren’t good at all. He entered an alert on their interactive group work. Someone needed to come and do a check up on him. Just to be sure that the fake cure given to him wasn’t having any effect on him anymore. Just a precaution not to lose him all of a sudden. Tegan was busy with the hacker and the maker of this fake cure at the moment and he wouldn’t be able to come before he was done. Rose had gone with Amy a little moment ago and they hadn’t come back yet. Jack and Clara were checking new formulas with Martha. Liv was probably getting some rest somewhere. All the qualified people of this team were busy elsewhere. Zachary hoped they would see the alert before anything happened to Maxence. That could be really bad. Allegro, on the other hand, was perfectly fine. All the effects of the ultraviolet were gone since they had turned off the lights and he hadn’t had any other fit of anger. Another check up was supposed to be done on him. If he was getting three negatives in a row, he would be able to come out of this place. It would be a relief but he wasn’t putting his hopes too high. He was bored in this cage but he was also very safe. Zachary was often chatting with him whenever he was having a small break. “Any good zombie movies to recommend to me?” It was just yesterday. Allegro was in a quite good mood and he wanted to joke. A zombie movie really was the easiest of jokes in the current times. That was why Allegro had asked for this. “What makes you think I’m a fan of zombie movies?” “You’re quite young. Young people love scaring themselves with those sorts of movies.” “Sorry to disappoint you, I’m prefer comedies and anime series. I love a good documentary too.” “Still a kid inside.” “What’s the point of growing up if you can’t be childish at times?” “I like your philosophy but I unfortunately have seen too many horrors to find my innocence again.” Just like Jack, Allegro had been a soldier before. When his contract with the army was over, he hadn’t renewed it. Instead, he had started looking for small jobs that were less stressful and that didn’t require traveling that much. That’s how he had ended up being a security member of this lab. Not a bad job during the good times. “You’re locked in there for a while, why not bringing back all those memories from your childhood? I’m sure the cartoons you used to watch are still available.” “How old do you think I am?” Zachary chuckled. He knew how old Allegro was. He was gonna turn forty soon. On normal times, some of his colleagues would have organised a small surprise party. Just to celebrate this special day. This lab could be such a perfect place sometimes. “Old enough to listen to those songs no one knows on Jazz FM.” “I like this radio. It’s relaxing.” “More a fan of Beethoven, me.” “That is surprising.” “I like rock music. I wish I could have gone to a Maiden concert. I guess it’s a dream that will never come true though.” “You can’t know. They maybe will find a cure that will save this world.” “It will take a while before people start trusting other people again to gather into public places.” “There’s this band I really like. A French band. It’s quite special but it’s really good. Ever heard of Indochine?” “If that’s not about this part of the world, then, I don’t what it is.” “It inspired the name. Listen to it. It’s really nice.” That’s how Zach had ended up on YouTube to listen to that French band while Allegro was taking a nap. Old school, bit weird, but very good. He really liked the music. Some of their songs were bringing energy and good vibes. It certainly was appreciated. “Are you watching one of those cartoons again?” joked Allegro. “Nope.” “That seems entertaining.” “It is. That’s the band you’ve told me about. I don’t understand half the lyrics but their music is nice.” “You can’t understand them. There isn’t any sense to their lyrics most of the time.” “Not sure about it.” “That’s not what’s causing you to be so anxious though.” “No. I’m keeping an eye on Maxence’s vital signs and they haven’t been good for a couple hours. I’ve entered an alert but no one has seen it yet.” “Is this that bad?” “If there wasn’t this information on my screen, I’d thought he’s dead. He hasn’t moved in hours.” “And no one had come? That’s weird.” “They’re all busy. T is on the hacker case. Rose is with the therapist. Jack and Clara and Martha are busy with some new formulas. I have no idea where Liv can be. And there’s nothing…” He was interrupted in his explanation by the striding sound and the red alert on his screens. Maxence sat up straight suddenly, gasping for air. He tapped the wall for someone to help him. Zach was powerless but thankfully, he saw Liv, fully dressed into a hazmat suit, running straight to his cage. She had seen the alert, he thought with relief. Maxence was coughing now. He still couldn’t breathe. He fell down the bed, on his hands and knees. Liv tried to talk to him but he wasn’t listening. All he wanted was air. She placed an oxygen mask on his face. He greedily breathed in that pure air finally reaching his lungs. “Breathe slowly, Maxence. Very slowly.” He wasn’t listening. He was too focused on taking as much air as he could. He was feeling better now that he could breathe again. He looked up at Liv and saw the sadness and fear in her eyes. She pressed her fingers on his ear briefly and pulled them back. The tip of her gloves was covered with a crimson sticky fluid. Blood. He touched his face, his ears, his nose, his mouth and his fingers were covered with the same blood. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. “We’re gonna have to make you go through another scan.” She had seen his latest results and they were bad. Jack had created an alert about it earlier this week. Zachary’s had made an echo to this alert and was telling them that the situation was getting worse. Maxence was fighting the virus and it was slowly killing him. Liv cupped his cheek. “You have to stop fighting. I know you don’t want to, but you have to. It’s important. You’re dying, Maxence.” Dying. The word echoed in his mind. Wasn’t he already dying? Wasn’t he dead since the moment he had been infected? He wanted to get better and he needed to be himself to find that cure. He couldn’t be himself if he stopped fighting. Rose wanted him to fight. So he had to keep fighting. Whatever it caused him. “I’m serious, Max. You might not hold on until we find that cure if you don’t let the virus win.” He shook his head and put the mask back on his face. Liv was amazed to see how aware he was of his surroundings. She knew it was because he was fighting but it was still a shock to see it. “Rose will understand. Nightwalkers don’t die from the virus unless they get involved in fights. You can’t be both. You’ll get back to your real self, but not now.” He pushed the mask away once again. His breathing was much better. He didn’t need it anymore. He gave it back to Liv. She would probably have to destroy it now. She wouldn’t use it on someone healthy. Or she would keep it for him if he was having another fit. “You can let go. It’s okay.” He didn’t want to. He refused to. He didn’t want to abandon his friends, his team. He wanted to help them as much as he could. Even if he had to die for this. He shook his head and Liv took her hand away from his face. “I’ll always be there to save you like you’ve saved me if you keep fighting. I won’t let you die.” He was surprised by the sudden change of speech from the young woman. What was making her change her mind so quickly? There must be a reason for that. “You never gave up when I was in troubles,” she murmured. “So I’m never gonna give up until you’re better.” Next thing he knew, she was hugging him tight. The plastic of the suit creaked. It was rather unpleasant to feel this against his skin but it was the first time he was given a hug in forever. So he hugged her back. It wasn’t the same as hugging Rose but it was okay. He liked it. Finally someone wasn’t afraid of the nightwalker him.

x

Tegan quickly walked to the public workspace where Camden and Donna were working. Camden had asked for him to come because they had found a clue for the patient zero. Even if it was good news, he wasn’t pleased to be interrupted in his rest. He had sorted things out with Colin and made him lock away in an empty area of the lab with guards to be sure he wouldn’t run away. It was also for him to be fed and taken care of if there was any problem. This was a solved case. While he was resting after Liv healed him, there had been this alert from Zachary that was causing him to be anxious. So anxious that he was on the edge of panicking. That was why Liv had insisted on him resting. She would check on Maxence and keep him updated. His head was pounding and his face was painful. Colin had quite a punch and doing nothing to protect himself had been a clever but dangerous move. He was paying for it but that pain was highly satisfying knowing the result. He had remained on the couch of his office for a moment before another mail came. A mail from Camden requiring his presence immediately. He had sighed and made his way there. He couldn’t refuse any clue when it was for a cure that would save Maxence. “I hope that’s not a deadlock. I’m not in the mood for fake hopes.” Speaking was hurting because it was using too many muscles that were bruised and sensitive but he couldn’t avoid this conversation. It was too crucial. Donna opened her eyes wide when she saw his face and Camden raised an interrogative eyebrow. This place was rather interesting in the end. The interactions between the scientists seemed to be highly charged. More than in a usual lockdown situation. There were personal matters interfering. It was fascinating. “What has happened to you?” “Bad moves while training.” “I’ve studied biology. This is not an accident.” “Whatever. This is not what brings me here, right?” “Jack and Clara will tell you I’m a very curious man.” “He is,” confirmed Donna. “And I never give up until I have my answers.” “That’s also true,” sighed the red-haired woman. “Well, look for all the answers you want and give me what I’ve come for.” Tegan sat down on the chair facing Camden and pushed the cardboard boxes that were in front of him. He folded his arms on his chest. He wanted to go back to his couch with an ice pack and an aspirin. But he was as curious as Camden and wanted his answers. “As a scientist, you must know what the Xeroderma Pigmentosum is.” “Yes. An extremely rare disease that makes every patient unable to bear the UV lights.” “And did you know there were researches to find a cure?” “Just like every cancer on Earth, there always has been researches for Xeroderma Pigmentosum. Get straight to the point.” Camden gathered a couple of papers that were scattered in front of him and pushed them toward Tegan. The neurologist took them. He didn’t understand where Camden was going but it was because his pain was distracting him. “We’ve found out that the most important researches were done by someone called Myrtle Appleton. Here, in England.” “However,” continued Donna, “she was sacked from the lab she was working in because she was using unconventional methods. It was a couple days before the virus hit the world officially.” “But she didn’t stop her researches. She has done them clandestinely.” “So, you’re telling me that this Myrtle Appleton was running experiences secretly and that one of these experiences might have gone wrong and provoked this whole mess?” “Yes.” Tegan put the documents down. He hadn’t even read them. His mind was focused on something else, something that didn’t please him at all. He jumped to his feet and left the workspace. He made his way to the empty part of the building where Colin was locked. Their paths kept crossing and Tegan really, really hated it…

To be continued...

Ghost of you © | 2017 - 2018 | Tous droits réservés.

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In the next chapter:

Colin was outrageously relaxed for someone who had been sacked and locked away. Tegan was resisting the envy of throwing him out of the lab and letting him see how he would survive out there. It was a chance that it hadn’t done it yet since Colin was gonna be really useful if he accepted to speak. Tegan wouldn’t get inside his prison. It would be playing Colin’s game. He would just do what he had to do by staying outside. One black eye was enough for him. He observed Colin. The scientist was laid on the desk of the room and watching the ceiling. He had a smirk on his face. He didn’t seem bothered at all by the whole situation. He was annoyed to have been caught but he was living it quite well. And this was infuriating Tegan. How could this mad scientist be so happy with himself when he almost killed a man?

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[avianhaven]

complaint post continuation ie star vs handed me a turkey sub and then slapped it out of my hands and told me to eat it off the floor. 

SO the complaint at the forefront of my mind is marco. i hate hate hate most of how marco has both been characterized and treated since like? i think end of s2 thereabout? so like when they ruined the Let Girls And Guys Have Friendships that aren’t shitty romance....did not age well let me tell you. also i think part of that is also when the staff acknowledged trans marco and tried to do it positively but ended up sucking. you know That whole mess with the episode where princess marco was forced to “come out’ “”as a boy”” to the other princesses from that revolution she became the figurehead of even though it was something that rly shouldn’t have ever mattered and they had the weird thing with miss heinous (same note but dont quite like where the plot is going w heinous and eclipsa bc of that despite me and my heavy eclipsa bias) i mean! marco is good the anxious lawful counterpart to star’s chaotic adhd energy they’re good friends and it just gets totally thrown out the window when A- romance BS adds unnecessary drama that while not “ruins” but def fucks with their good vibes, B- the plot shifts more to focus on mewni and there was the whole “marco after the huge life change of having interdimensional adventures goes back to everyday Life On Earth, so marco has the > go to mewni idea” this WHOLEE part in quotes was done so bad and here’s why so like? the first part of this that ended up pissed me off and i havent stopped since was when marco came and the king/queen were like “oh...we didn’t think u actually would :/” and the cape he wore as like a token ended up being some throw away thing? like marco was ig being kind of on her high horse from helping to save another dimension but like....marco is baby. that’s just how teens are!! idk the whole thing was just kinda disrespectful and i don’t appreciate the othering treatment of marco by these white people as a latino character...might just be me but it’s icky. and like? i get the marco going to mewni thing was a way to incorporate her into the plot more bc the shift to mewni was important as the show’s main plot and conflict shifts into the mewni - monster politics territory. that’s all really important!! but they didn’t really even Need marco to be there other than the writer’s maybe though “oh star lived on earth for some now marco gets to too. deep!” if yr gonna do it this badly then no!! tbh i dont think marco has even been relevant in a lot of the episodes and plot things, and even then marco has the dimensional scissors marco could’ve still just popped in from time to time, even for extended stays! instead of dropping her whole life and schooling to just dick around. marco could still have the squire / learning martial abilities and more abt the magical world in order to assist thing too without this. hell she could’ve been given like a sideplot entirely separate from star abt learning more on the magical worlds on her own that could be another cool world building element! but no!! actually the fact that  theyve just Completely phased out earth as a plot point seems weird? like i get the focus on mewni and it makes sense but it’s still Weird that none of the other earth characters have rly been around or used at all idk...idk...... Like regarding how marco has been vaguely getting othered from what i remember, there was the ep where star tried to improve monster-mew relations w a dance and she’s Trying bc she’s Woke now and marco’s just kinda there for the ride?? like marco was the person who addressed this issue in the First Place and made star start questioning the system w the mewnian “battle” victory holiday episode i mentioned in the other post. Marco, high key lawful good, princess leader for a revolution of girls who don’t want to be forced to fit into the cookie cut molds and restrictions placed upon them at a young age. let them be feral ! we need more rowdy girls!! i dont remember the episode A Lot but i do know that marco being like...second fiddle to star on this issue, again w the white savior issues of star herself being the driving force of the issue, are all just really bleck and inconsistent writing is my two cents. and i’m Surprised i haven’t spoken abt it at length yet but the fucking Bad Romance Subplot....like it’s still unresolved technically?? like star likes marco but marco likes uhh janet or whatever, but then they break up and marco goes to mewni but now star is dating her ex bf who she explicitly broke up w bc they didn’t vibe and he has unresolved issues he’s still working through?? and they also genuinely don’t have any chemistry and now there’s a bad kinda-rivals for star even tho if this was better written they would have more respect for her as a person And each other tbh.....but if this was better written this wouldn’t be happening at all. and also that one bush head girl is there and Also might have a thing for marco??? what the fuck. i’m!! watching s3 ep17 now and it’s what sparked this whole thing but basically tom n star having a Moment and marco busts in w a Mission and tom is like..jealous or annoyed or whatever bc now marco and star are gonna do a Thing but tom is like hey yr a third wheel....even tho their adventuring is a Those Two Thing and tom literally has no interest in it!! like the mission is to find buff frog and marco is his friend and then marco leaves but when tom goes with star he doesn’t even care!! like they go to his house and can’t find him and he’s like “whelp we tried wanna get smoothies?” LIKE!! star is genuinely concerned abt her friend and he doesn’t even have enough respect to wanna try....put it on the back burner buddy!!  i genuinely liked tom b4 he started dating star again...like his whole character dev b4 this shit was Getting Over Her!! realizing he has personal issues he needs to work on, and maybe they’re just not compatible as people but they can still be friends! bc he’s lonely and needs a support system that can still deal w him when he relapses on his Issues and can call him out still. hell marco and her lawfulness helping him discover this and them Not being weird rivals for star and genuine not-friends-but-kinda-mutual-acquaintances-who-vent-on-each-other was good!  i’m gonna scream str8 people ruin literally everything. this whole post just ended being abt marco but tbh most of the show’s issues involve marco somehow....other issues i dont like is i think ludo gets too much screentime. he’s annoying and unnecessary so far!! it seems theyre trying to vaguely build up to something but they sure aren’t succeeding as far as i’m aware. also heckapoo’s design is shit...character concept cool actual character bad. 

[bigbadwolf-16]

i had bonus thoughts about rahool and drifter so here they are

rahool and drifter arent dating but they could be in a world where drifter isnt an insane feral spaceman with rabies and heres the thing about that;

rahool knows it. hes intelligent and perceptive, he can see that theres something there, he knows how to tell when drifter likes someone and when hes playing games, but he can also see theyre so immensely different in some very critical ways that he knows it wouldnt work -- that doesnt stop him from casually looking the other way while drifter breaks rules, though and, hey, its been a long time since anyone's flirted with him even jokingly and he could use a little bit of harmless fun in his daily life.

because rahool is very. i dont want to say traditional? because that doesn't feel quite right, but if he were looking for a relationship with anyone, he would want stability and some level of sanity. something relaxed, something low stakes. hanging out with someone as unhinged as drifter is fun and, dont get him wrong, drifter is fascinating, but being friends with a nutjob and being in a relationship with one are two completely different levels of intensity. if youre friends with someone crazy, its easier to tap out of an insane adventure and be like no. nope, this is where i get off, good luck with that thing youre doing. and when youre dating one, the expectation to be there extends beyond the initial headcount when you get on the bus; its more intimate, its more personal, and rahool doesnt excel in intimacy. he doesnt have time for it, he doesnt have time for sidelong glances and dinner dates, and he doesnt have any desire to be emotionally or physically intimate with anyone. all the better because when was the last time drifter had a heart-to-heart with anyone where he wasn't cornered and down to his very last handful of quips, looking like a dog about to bite?

neither of them want to be that close to someone; rahool because he doesnt feel like its necessary and drifter because hes literally incapable of that level of trust to such an extent i wouldnt put it past him to sabotage a relationship, intentionally or subconsciously, when it gets to a level that makes him nervous.

and thats not to say rahool a fair-weather friend, because youd be hard-pressed to find someone more resolutely loyal than him just because, as far as hes concerned, it makes sense, but rahool operates in a black and white world where drifter exists solely in gray. drifter will break rules, he'll break laws, he'll break the fucking geneva convention for a laff and all for a bigger picture that only people like drifter or eris or elsie could understand. people who havent just been touched by madness, theyve been consumed. theres things out there bigger than rules and patterns and its that level of unknown danger that rahool just cant jive with - even as a man of science who actively pursues answers, there are just some that hes more content not knowing because knowing opens doors that he doesnt want to be pushed through. hes not osiris.

and drifter? oof. i dont think he longs for companionship, hes done perfectly well on his own for centuries give or take flings or brief friendships that were the perfect means to an end and partners that got snuffed because they got a little bit too close to the truth of the universe, and he knows that things dont last. nothing is eternal and when youre a lightbearer, even a rogue one, not even death is forever until you piss off the wrong people. hes spent his whole second life in survival mode because thats where the excitement is. thats where the bloodthirsty thrive. he could have stayed on earth, grown with the city, been some rule-following stooge barking at the vanguard about how this or that isnt fair or just, but instead he decided to live his life on the bleeding edge and thats where hes at his best.

where black and white break into gray and theres no right or wrong answer for anything so long as survival is still the final result and theres probably some good in him somewhere, you think, but nobody knows the motives behind his cooperation. every so often you catch a glimpse beneath the curtain where the man who talks about a good old-fashioned hive stew around the campfire and interdimensional space monsters becomes a man who can snatch a chunk of the nine realms and tether it to his ship, build a machine overnight that can decrypt the impossible when the cryptarchs themselves have spent uncounted years just trying to crack one sequence of code with lost knowledge only recently unearthed, and who somehow always has an answer for an insurmountable problem that even the greatest minds of the golden age just couldnt quite reach - a man, not a legend, whos not so much clinging to the last thread of his sanity as he is bungie jumping from the end of it because there are answers at the bottom of this chasm and so long as hes got his gun and his wits, he'll bounce back when he reaches the end.

to rahool, the drifter is incomprehensible, fascinating, ingenious, dangerous, and strange, and he wants to see more so he keeps a close eye on what the drifter lets him see, never under any illusion that hes gaining some unknown insight beyond what anyone else could find if they kept up - and very few can keep up. it takes a special kind of lunatic to understand the drifter, but all you need to see him is the knowledge that some things just have to be done for the greater picture and fussing over politics and tiptoeing around hard truths just isnt the way.

to drifter, rahool is the path of least resistance to information he finds useful, yes, but hes also someone (like eris) who doesnt expect him to follow protocols and doesnt expect him to be anything but reprehensible and gross, but also understands that - at least on a surface level, because the real hand cant be shown until the right time - drifter is also a man hellbent on making sure humanity is ready for whats coming next, because hes one of few who's not just seen it, but knows what needs to be done to stand against it. its coming, it cant be avoided, it cant be fought with heavy artillery and hope. he can rely on rahool not to try and stop him, not because hes stringing rahool along for the long con, but because deep down rahool understands that sometimes you need to get your hands dirty and not worry about what other people are going to think about it. theres just enough of a bastard in him to be worth liking, and drifter can respect that.

theres a part in good omens, speaking of, that kind of sums up drifters deal and why i think rahool would be so interested him exceptionally well and its this: "God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time."

that, in a man, is what fascinates rahool so much and he splits his time between trying to solve immensely complex lattices of ancient code and trying to solve drifter and most days hes not sure which one is more impossible. but he does know one of the two slings a mean drink and isnt bad company when he isnt portraying himself as a man who isnt bothered by anything, is dangerous to even know, and who can and will eat anything that doesnt somehow manage to eat him first - and even thats up for debate if youve heard his stories. there are so many layers to the drifter that rahool could spend the rest of his life digging and still never break through the outermost surface and when your job is the scifi equivalent of data entry on roids, he's up for a challenge where hangups and failures still give interesting returns.

[verngyu-moved]

its the last month of 2017, and i wanted to make a special post to a few people i’ve met this year, and just express my gratitude. this was originally part of my follow forever, but i felt like it deserved its own post since i tend to ramble ◑.◑ my apologies to everyone mentioned in this since it’s kinda long + a lot of ppl are mentioned hdjfkgkdfl

amanda @beautifulshuas - amanda!! im really glad the time we had that suddenly super deep convo that u didnt feel like i was intruding on anything hahah. it was nice sharing that experience with u (but also sucky bc it’s not a good experience) and i look forward to more 1 am conversations about shitty relationship situations lmaooo

jennie @boosonseok - no offense but ur shitposts are the best thing in the entire fandom lbr, and i enjoy seeing a lot of divaboo on my dash, since he is like my little brother. i appreciate ur shadiness (u kno the time) and shoutout to the california bay area heheheh ＼(≧∇≦)/＼(≧∇≦)/

bonnie @cafewoozi - i think ive said this like 6 times but bonnie u!! are!! an angel!! i really appreciate all the help and advice you gave me this yr. u only say nice things abt ppls’ work and i still cant fathom that u actually....like....take time out of ur day to put smth nice on each post u reblog,,,, i can barely tag ppls names ??? a n g e l

kelsey @chanyoel - i lov eu thank u for putting up with w me yelling abt mingyu. u were the first person i converted to kpop.......bless. ur also one of the 5 ppl i actually text everyday (≧◡≦) u stick up for me, listen to me, and cry w me (its always bc of svt tho), thanks for being an amazing friend !!! also sorry for slacking off on @/ing u in jun posts..........i have the urge to @/you whenever i see him just kno that

sophia @gemhui - sorry i havent messaged u on tumblr much lately but ur still one of my best friends on this hellhole. weird to think we met thru another blog entirely when ur icon was scoups of ice cream and i messaged u abt it lololol thanks for being encouraging and so sweet all the time the world doesnt deserve u╰(◡‿◡✿╰) ps ur gay ashgdfjkldf

dana @jishua - dana m’luv thanks for letting me rant to u, ur rly one of the easiest ppl to talk to im so mad i waited so long to get to kno u, ur sense of humor is a+, u always have something positive to say, n ur also a #fellowcapricorn whaddup. remember the time i stayed up til 5 to watch the clap mv w u??? goOD TIMES.

jiyoon @jeonheart - jiyoon thank u for helping me learn how to gif stage performances, it prob seems like such a minor thing but it means a lot to me since i’d been trying to for abt a yr. u approached me and u didnt have to do that, and its very rare to see random acts of kindness on tumblr so i just wanted to thank u again ^^ i hope life is bein kind to u and ur in good health!!

stella @jeonqhcn - stella idk if youll see this but i hope school is going alright for u :( ur super smart (srsly) and really kind, ps jeonghan misses u (mingyu tells me jeonghan asks if you’ve said anything 2 me abt him) hope we get to talk more soon!!

adelin @pabospoiler - adelin its always a pleasure talking to u, esp when its about #tumblrstuff, since its nice to relate to someone else about being a content creator and the pros and cons of it. pls keep making ur stuff bc it is really good :( and u may not already kno this, but tbh, u are The™ Soonseok Gifmaker..............its u, bro.

renata @powerfulhoshi - u are one of the most encouraging ppl on here, ur full of nothing but positive light and energy.......u always make me feel less heavy when i talk to u, its refreshing. ur also one of the most under-appreciated content creators in this fandom,,,, wtf....im salty.....but im sure in 2018 u will be greeted w nothing but success and admiration !! bejos to u  (♥◡‿◡♥)

emmy @shuvee - emmy u are uber talented and uber intelligent!! i was not expecting to be ur friend considering u are Ultra Coole™ but its interesting talking about really serious stuff and bitching abt college :////, i didnt rly expect to ever talk to u......so im still in shock tbh. and to think this whole friendship was started bc i didnt know a ship name (wasnt it junshua)???? iconic

steffi @soonsyoung - stef idk i hope youll see this, but ik this yr has not been the greatest, but i love u i love u i love u. sorry for swerving down soonyoungs lane that 1 time. when things got shitty for me after everything that happened u were there for me, so just kno i will always be there 4 u, i miss u on here, but school is def more important and this site lowkey sucks lmao

rina @wonnwoo - !!!!! quite literally the wonwoo to my mingyu, the person who sees my ugliness and still ???? decides??? to stick w me ???? an angel. u give me the best gifts (u think im talking about the teen,age album but im rly talking about the **** and ****** recs). i will continue to better myself for the sake of u, so i can be strong for u, and help u when u need it. im #tsundere as u kno, so i apologize again if i seem cold i just jkdfglsdf have too many fluffy feelings to handle them correctly. i am also drafting a special w*nw** sm*t 4 u if u must kno

[shawnmend-yes]

Relapse (Bittersweet part 1)

You get to the party late and under strict instructions to protect Becky from drunk Josh, you’re apprehensive to say the least because you always seem to end up alone at these parties, wishing you could crawl into a hole and die but your hopeful that tonight could be different.

It’s not long before India leaves you to go and ‘chat’ to the guy she’s been talking to for the past few weeks, and you know you’re not going to see her for the rest of the night. Luckily for you, becky spots you and drags you over to talk to the people you haven’t seen in years, not since you moved schools.

Everyone’s already kinda drunk so you feel slightly more relaxed knowing that most of them are incapable of overthinking how awkward your about to be, “Alright?” you murmur fiddling with the cuffs of your sleeve.

They barely have time to respond before you hear a shout from across field “BAILEY? Is that you?” you can barely contain your laughter as you watch ellie, who is hosting the party, attempt to run towards you with a giant cast over her leg, deciding to be a good person you jog over to meet her half way crashing into a hug that results in you holding her up.

You spend a couple of minutes catching up with her before you spot Becky sat on the floor with josh, who appears to be trying to make out with her knee while she tries to push his head off. You exchange glances with ellie before heading over to the pair on the floor calling out, “Beccs, come on a walk?”

You wait for her to push herself up and begin walking as she loops her arm through your, “What the hell was that?” you ask incredulously.

“I told you, he’s weird when he’s drunk” she titters pulling you sideways, “oh…Shawn!” she calls causing him to look up and wave from the group of people he was with. “Let’s go say hi!”

You didn’t have to walk far because it turns out shawn had the exact same idea, crossing the garden to talk to the two of you. You stand awkwardly to the side as they hug and exchange quick small talk, eyes flitting over him and taking in his new appearance, he looks so different from the 3 years ago when you saw him practically everyday, because that’s what best friends do right?

You check for the same cheeky grin and scruffy hair, but this time its accompanied by arm muscles that definitely weren’t there before. “And you… i havent seen you in ages!” he says, pulling your eyes back to his as you go in for a handshake, but he startles you wrapping his arms around you and squeezing. Your eyes pop and you catch sight of Becky out of the corner of your eye trying to stuff her fist in her mouth to prevent herself from laughing.

“Long time no see” you wheeze out as he steps back and you draw in a deep breath rubbing the edge of your ribcage casually.

Other people come and join the three of you and you decide that socializing is far too draining to do standing up so you sit down on the floor, the others following suit quickly. General conversations flit around between people and you’re happy just sat observing when Alfie reaches the group. “Becky, i need to tell you something”

She brushes her legs of standing and nudges you with her toe, “Back in a sec, bails”. You just nod at her and watch her walk away with him. A few moments shawn slides closer to you, taking it upon himself to involve you in the conversation and soon the whole group is chatting about one thing.

People come and go, as the sky darkens and Becky still hasn’t come back from her ‘deep meaningful conversation’ with Alfie, but your not worried because your with Shawn. It’s so easy to settle back into old patterns with him, playing and joking around as if it hasn’t been 2 years since you had drifted apart.

Soon the only thing illuminating the sky is the large bonfire at the end of the garden, and your tempted to go and sit beside it due to the cold. The drinks keep flowing and soon they start to get the better of people honesty coming in ways you didn’t expect.

“I wish we could go back to year 8” Shawn blurts, turning to face you, drawing the group’s attention, you nod along thinking that its just a general statement before he continues. “Not all these people…no offense” he mutters gesturing to the rest of the group. “Just us.”

“You’re drunk shawn” you laugh awkwardly at him, not entirely sure where this swift turn is headed.

“I mean it, i don’t know what i would have done without you, i wish we could be like that again” he says and your lips part as you rack your brain for a suitable response. “I know you think im only saying this cause im drunk but im not. I promise, in fact im more honest when im drunk”

The boy next to him, who happens to be one of his best friends decided to pipe up, “S’true, he’s told me this stuff before. He genuinely means it.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now” you mutter patting his arm, “Maybe not when your drunk.”

“No” he insists, “Just listen, i miss talking to you so much, i remember i used to sit outside my room charging my phone so that i could talk to you all night” and you remember doing things like that too, pressing your back against the wall and texting him as quickly as your thumbs would allow and it was almost as if he was what was supporting you, not the wall. “I dont know who i would be without you, you gave me confidence and your the first person i’ve ever connected with, i wouldn’t be the person who i am today without you.”

You go to interrupt him but he just talks louder over you, words spilling from his mouth, tumbling over and over each other, but you know your never going to forget them, or the way they make you feel.

“You’re the person who made me think about anything, talking to you made me think deeper, especially about love. I wish i had tried harder to stop us drifting apart and if all the other boys would just shut up and give you chance they would realise what a cool girl you are.”

You’re gobsmacked that he’s rambling and all you really want to do is hug him, so you squeeze his arm gently and whisper “I miss you too. So so much.”

You can see becky walking towards you and expect that your time with Shawn will be over shortly, and he will forget about this in the morning, especially as Becky is in the spot of Shawn’s life that you were two years ago.

“I love it when you randomly message me about stupid things like problems because i know you trust me. I trust you too, more than anyone ive ever met.” At this point Becky is stood almost directly in front of you but shawn doesn’t seem to notice. “I miss talking to you all the time, you are and always will be the closest friend ive ever had. No one comes close.” You catch Becky’s eye and you know she heard him, a part of you feels terrible but the larger part of you is so overwhelmed by the thought of getting your best friend back that you dont realise the entire group of people you are with are glancing between you , Becky and Shawn.

You half expect Becky to throw something but she doesnt, instead she forces herself into the space between you telling you to “budge over” so she can sit with her two best friends. Your awkwardly shuffling over as far as you can without climbing into the guy next doors lap when shawn speaks again, sounding somewhat confused. “But im talking to Bailey?”

Your jaw practically drops off with shock and you shrug at her when she turns to glare at you, “Your drunk” she states, plopping herself down.

You barely notice when Shawn and his friend leave the group, your mind still reeling as you try to process all your emotions, it’s as if every feeling you have ever felt for him is rushing back to you, you cant help but wonder if it is possible to rekindle the friendship and you resolve to text him tomorrow.

One by one people head off to dance or mingle but you and bella stay put as she fills you in one the details of her chat with Alfie, recounting it sentence by sentence while you produce generic responses, hoping Shawn is coming back because you didn’t get to tell him how you felt, you didn’t want him to think it was all one sided, because it definitely wasn’t. All you wanted when you moved was to talk to him. To message him and be his best friend again. You would have given absolutely anything because he was home to you, everything you had ever wanted or needed, but he wasn’t yours anymore, he was Becky’s.

It’s not long before yet another boy comes and pulls becky off to ‘talk’ to her, and you shake your head, it was always like this at parties, she thought that they were just friends, but as soon as they get drunk there are misplaced kisses flying everywhere that Becky tries so hard to avoid. You wander around looking for India because you don’t feel like sitting alone in the dark.

“Bailey? That you?” You turn your head to the group of boys sat near the fire and quickly spot the one who called you over.

“Jacob?” you ask, squinting in the darkness, before he reaches for you, pulling you into a hug and spinning you round. You laugh breathlessly and start singing your signature song “You spin me right round… baby right round…”

The two of you had become friends during food tech class and formed a fast bond, you stopped him burning his cakes and he helped you out with DT projects. He had always been a cuddly person so you weren’t surprised when her slung his arm over your shoulder and rested his head on top of yours.

The two of you danced together abit before plopping on the floor chatting about all the things you had missed,you spotted shawn sat directly across from you and smiled quickly as he involved himself in the conversation easily. You decided that you would just wait with these guys until Becky was done and ready to leave, or until India came back to the world of the singletons.

Eventually it was just you and shawn again, but you weren’t sure how it had even happened, one moment you were talking to him and the next everyone else was gone. You nibbled on your lip debating whether or not now was a good time to talk about all the things he said earlier when he interrupted you.

Sit with me” he mumbles patting the space next to him, eyes bright as he searches blindly for yours in the darkness.

You laugh at him, head tilting upwards to catch his eye, because even sitting down he was so much taller than you. “I am sitting with you shawn.”

“No,” He mutters, brows furrowing in confusion as he looks at the spot next to him, “right here. Sit here. Closer to me.”

A blush creeps over your cheeks and you’re finally glad that it’s almost pitch black outside, you reach your hand out and brush over the grass in front of you. “Its prickly.” you giggle at him, feeling slightly drunk even though you hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol.

He swipes a large hand across the floor next to him. “S’not, it soft, softer than where you’re sat now.” You shake your head at him in amusement, “Bailey, sit here.” He pleads grabbing your hand in attempt to make you listen to him.

You glance down at his hand, wrapped around yours before relenting, “Fine.” you whisper scooting over to him, taking in his flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes, you settle yourself comfortably on the grass, “Alright?”

“Better” he sighs, shifting slightly so your knee is resting on his thigh, “I miss this” he mumbles, struggling with to keep his words clear with the amount of alcohol coursing through his veins, the truth is you’ve never been drunk telling people it was because you like to remember what happens in your life, tonight is the first time you’ve meant it. Moments like these are the things dreams are made of. “Us being close,” he continues, “just like old times, like history” he continues, “Remember?”

“Of course i remember Shawn” you mumble, leaning into his side.

(Continued)

[sightofsea]

being on the internet for extended periods of time fills me w this like.....extreme doubt of lack of self esteem a lot of the time??? mostly bc i feel like im playing a part sometimes, and i dont like it. its also led to me devolving into a lot of bullshit fake philosophical thinking (like, getting deep where i dont need to get deep) about my relationships and leads me to having this extreme form of black and white thinking about myself. i can come on here, and it can be fun and real but sometimes it really isnt. and that isnt to say the friendships ive made are fake, or anything like that, but i just...i feel like i need to spend a lot of time away. build my confidence by stopping myself from isolating on here like i always do, and start thinking about and worrying about things that are a little more real, go out there and become a little less harsh and desensitized. i dont like the person im becoming, who’s so used to everything and feels embarrassed about anything genuine or involuntary coming out of me. it’s made me feel weak in my activism, because i can get so desensitized that i cant find the means to dredge up emotion about it. and its made me bitter towards a lot of people i shouldn’t be bitter towards. 

like look ok long story short, a couple years ago i had traumatic memories resurface (or rather just get recontextualized--i hadn’t known they were traumatic before having a series of extensive nightmares n piecing it together) and it led to a lot of self blame and anxiety, and as a result of the medication + that whole thing, i kinda...depersonalized, for like ages. i went months without smiling, or crying, or laughing without having to voluntarily fake it.i was basically the epitome of depressed meme culture, so deep in myself with no way out and it was absolute torture. luckily i changed my meds to something that made me feel a lot more...not like before, but enough for me to actually start recovering. i had no low lows, but i also had no high highs. i felt like i was at a halfway point constantly, but after a lot of work n getting out of my shell i was finally able to get off my meds.and ive been soooo much happier, but it also feels i picked up where i left off two years ago with my more negative emotions, just with a new perspective.

ok, so this ended up not being a long story short. but it’ll make sense, i promise.

my thing is, now i have my full personality again--and im beginning to recognize i have a selfish need to make everyone like me. which means that like, hey im more than willing to help n back ppl up n whatnot, but also if i find out one person hates something i like, then i kind of bottle it up and keep it hidden and it ends up being a huge self hatred thing. which is why i keep away from a lot of the stuff that genuinely makes me happy--like doctor who. which, god, sounds so fucking overdramatic when i type it out, but its true. i love the shit out of that show, but im so fucking scared of ppl who like me hating me for it, for some stupid reason. its the most stupid thing, but i feel it. and like, im trying to stop doing that, but thats a bit of character development i havent reached yet, and i feel like i have to compartmentalize myself. and i know i dont!!! but it happens. and it gets worse the more im on here, and i become more bitter about it as im online longer, etc etc.

so, yeah. im probably gonna go on hiatus once the new year hits. just like....figure things out. keep at it with trying to compartmentalize parts of myself that have no actual negative impact on me or on people around me, change the ones that do, figuring out myself as a person blah blah blah. maybe write a book? who knows. 

this was a rly long post but tl;dr i need to stop isolating myself / compartmentalizing myself and taking some time offline will probably be the most helpful, thanks for sticking around with this, im gonna go reblog some houses or something