#i havent done that paper yet its been almost a fucking year and i havent finished this goddamn paper

[lepanoui]

do not fucking tell me that i have literal trauma from writing essays

[wheelsupnthirty]

talk too much || f.w.

x slytherin fem!reader

hi all! this is my first whole length fic i've written, but i simp so hard for fred weasley. its based loosely on the song "talk too much" by COIN (i suggest listening half way through!) anyway, hope you enjoy!

tw: swearing, kissing, mention of violence (playfully)

studying in the hogwarts library used to be a peaceful experience. that is, until a certain red-haired duo decided that the library was to be their new prank-planning office.

"you know who we should hit next fred?" the first asked.

"i bet i do brother" returned the second

"snape!" they shouted in unison.

you groan and turn yourself around to face the ginger pair that had made your last two weeks a living hell. "will you two shut it?"

they laugh at your way-too-serious remark and george decides to speak first.

"oh! look who's getting feisty, eh brother?"

"indeed she is, george, shall we shut it?"

"hmm i don't think so"

"well will you gits at least use a silencing charm or something? merlin you weasleys talk too much"

"alright alright y/l/n we'll keep it down, all in good fun"

good fun. right. it's always good fun when you fail your o.w.l.s because you had nowhere to study in peace. you'd tried the slytherin common room, but malfoy and his crew ruined that quite quickly. the great hall was packed constantly, and the room of requirement felt cold compared to the welcoming walls filled with old books and warm lighting that the library gave you. the worst part about it all was that you had begun to fancy the very boy who caused you so much frustration. you guess he wasn't too horrible in terms of looks, but that mouth never stopped running.

on the way to your potions class, your favorite, but filled with people who ticked you off the most, you almost had a heart attack, courtesy of one frederick weasley. he had been developing a new "device" that spit out mini fireworks out of thin air. his lab rat? you.

"what the fuck weasley? what in the bloody hell is wrong with you?"

in between fits of laughter he managed to get out "new project" and "havent-(hahaha)-name-(snort)-yet"

"i swear to merlin fred, one more prank and i swear i'll shove a firework up your arse" you spat out, gathered your books and silently cursed all past, present and any future weasleys.

"today, students, we will be making amortentia, i'm sure you're all familiar, so get busy" echoed the nasally voice of one severus snape. of course, you listened and began reading the directions that were neatly inked onto the parchment in front of you. to no one's surprise at all, you were the first to finish, and you had made it perfectly. the only problem was that snape decided to "suggest" that those who had successfully brewed their amortentia should share with the rest of the class what their's smelled like. you weren't worried at first, until you smelled yours.

"miss y/l/n, you will go first"

"erm," you wafted the mist to your nose, "smoke" specifically from a firework, but you were not about to say that out loud. "sweets, and cinnamon." you stepped back from your cauldron and tried not to think about the smell that you first identified. it was just from earlier. there was no way that fred weasley was going to be your soulmate. your stupid crush on him was simply a coping mechanism for his idiotic pranks that plagued you..right?

"thank you, miss y/l/n. mister weasley- not you george- since you think this class is so hilarious, you will go next"

you shot up and looked at fred, hoping that what he'd smell wasn't you, but he noticed your gaze. "no problem professor!" he said cheerfully with a smirk, and a wink tossed at you. "mine smells of mint and-" he took a bigger, more dramatic sniff, "lavender" he said, a tad more serious than just a second before. only you seemed to notice, though, as no one else seemed to think anything of it.

fred sat back down next to his counterpart and put on his usual jovial personality for everyone to see. you can't stop thinking about your potion, though. it was just your robes. just leftover from his prank. suddenly, a paper airplane hits the side of your head. you sigh and roll your eyes, because you know just who it came from.

gryffindor common room, 11:00 tonight. please. we need to talk. f.w.

no way in hell you were meeting him there. it was probably just another prank. you want him to know that you know what he's up to, so you crumble the piece of parchment right in front of him.

later that evening, you escape to the library, but only when you've made sure there were no freckled, ginger men infesting it. studying, however, proved extremely difficult. you wanted to know what fred wanted. your curiosity seemed to take control of your actions as you stood up and made your way to the gryffindor common room. you snuck up to the fat lady and she looked at you, eyebrow raised, and very plainly asked, "password?" shit you didn't even think about needing a password. before you could utter a gibberish guess, the painting opened and fred crept out from behind it.

"you came, good" he said, genuinely relieved that you had showed up.

"what is it you want, weasley?" you whispered, slightly annoyed with yourself for ending up here in the first place.

"amortentia. mint and lavender. d'you know who that is?" he asked you.

"why would i know who your soulmate is, fred? and why do you care anyway? it's not like you're gonna find them tonight."

"and here i though you were brilliant, y/n" you were shocked, that was the first time he had ever called you by your first name.

"if you wanted to annoy me, you could have just pulled another dumb prank. shoved some fizzing whizbees in my coffee or something. you didn't have to call me here" with that, he had given up, putting on his normal persona.

"you're right, thanks for the idea y/l/n i'll have to try it on you sometime. i'm sure george will get a kick out of it as well. d'you think whizbees or puking pastilles? you know what, i'll surprise you instead!" he smiled. he loved riling you up, you're cute when you're angry.

"you talk too much" you said, and with a turn of your heel, you were on your way back to your dorm.

"and you study too much! you can't take a joke to save your life, y/l/n, maybe one of these days you'll come over here and shut me up yourse-" he was cut off by your lips being newly placed on his. it was all in a feat of shutting him up. then you realized what you had done.

stay cool, it's just a kiss

"why you gotta be so talkative?" you said, impressively keeping your composure. fred, on the other hand, was completely shellshocked, frozen. "what's the matter weasley? never been kissed before?" your words went in one ear and out the other for him. he couldn't care less what your lips said when they weren't on his.

he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back to him, earning a gasp from you, which he used to his advantage. he slipped his tongue in your mouth and savored every inch of you. you had forgotten everything you had been mad about before. your hands found his hair and tangled themselves in it. he melted into you, moving his hands to your legs, and hoisting you up around his waist. he carried you to the couch in the middle of the common room, and laid you down quick. amidst all the snogging, you remembered your anger from before and promptly pulled away.

"i.. i have to go. this was a mistake." you said quietly, trying to compose yourself enough to leave the couch.

"was it? it was you i smelled, y/n. the mint from your toothpaste? the lavender from your perfume? it's always been you." he sounded so sincere, something you'd never thought in a million years you'd hear. "stay, please"

he leaned toward you again and cupped your cheek in his hand. he pulled you just close enough that you would have to close the gap between you. you hesitated for a moment, but kissed him again. he seemed to mimic your every move with complete perfection. he linked his fingers with yours and deepened the kiss until you had to come up for air. you stared into his cinnamon eyes for what seemed like eternity until you noticed movement in the corner of the room. fred followed your eyes and said,

"george what the hell mate? how long you been standin' there?"

"oi don't let me get in the way of your snogging, simply left my books down here." he replied, with the cheekiest wink you had quite possibly ever seen. your face grew hot and you shuffled out from under fred, making your way quickly out of the common room. fred wasn't letting you get away that easy, though.

"same time tomorrow?" he asked slyly.

"in your dreams, weasley." you half-jokingly replied. you knew he'd be in yours tonight.

[legends-live-in-memories]

I Have Too Many Opinions. ep. 1

lmao. i got encouragement to post my opinions on fandom things and now i want to make a miniseries doing just that. so here i am. doing just that.

im putting it under the cut cuz this was 4 whole pages including the disclaimer. yes i put a disclaimer and i explain why.

Anyways, here is the first piece in what inevitably will become fandom info dump, this time on thomas astruc’s writing on miraculous ladybug. but only some of my opinions cuz we would be here all day otherwise.

So… a disclaimer before I begin… 

I do not hate Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir (yes i'm using their government name). I am quite a fan of the show actually despite its faults. I am also older than the intended audience but was obviously younger when the show first aired which is how my interest was piqued (the fact that its been 6 years and only 3 seasons says more about the show than me being a fan for that amount of time but also i never want to rush content creators cuz they're doing their best) and due to my age, there will be inherent bias in my approach of what i'm about to say as there is in EVERY opinion. The fact that it is an opinion should imply the presence of bias but most people tend to lack the critical thinking skills required to draw that conclusion ANYWAYS…

If I did hate the show I would not have this blog nor would I be even writing this because i tend to not give more than 2 seconds of thought to things i actively dislike (some of yall should give this a try) and i'm allowed to like things that are designed for an audience that i was originally a part of but grew out of. (I don't suddenly stop liking things because I'm older despite what many younger fans seem to believe about older audiences. I also don't need to be ‘allowed’ to do anything cuz i wasn't asking for permission anyways.)

This will not be character bashing, astruc bashing nor fandom bashing cuz, again, that would imply i hate any of those elements and if i did, i would not dedicate brainpower to them. Analyses and criticisms of media are fun and engaging and required if you wish to produce good enjoyable content. Now most of this should be already assumed and self-explanatory but people on the internet like to play morality roulette roll dice on purity culture and I rather have documentation that I am in fact not bullying fictional 14 year olds or a grown man. But alas, people get trigger happy whenever someone has less than 1000000% positive opinions on something they like and will throw out words they can't define (gaslight, baiting, toxic, problematic, gatekeep etc) in an attempt to defend their blind devotion, 

which is not needed, if you like something you never have to defend it, even if i don't like it. If you respond to anything I post saying you disagree with me, I will not argue with you. I won't debate back and forth and try to convince you that the things you like are wrong. Unless you are being absolutely tone deaf to what i'm saying, you wont get a negative reaction from me. So don't try to fish for a fight. Please. I got metaphorical hands for days and I'm mean, you don't want me hurting your feelings on the internet. Do yourself the favour. Difference of opinion is how we get diversification in media and is inherently a good thing. Now that that's out of the way, please don't ever let me have to say that again. I beg.

Now onto the fun stuff

I didn't know what I wanted as a first topic so my trusty internet friend @moonlitceleste suggested astruc’s writing… 

AND BOI do i got some opinions on ole tommy boi. Again I don't hate the dude. In fact, he has worked on a few shows that had defined my childhood, including but not limited to W.I.T.C.H. (all eps available on youtube for those interested, 2 seasons, general fun time all around).

So I don't think he’s scum of the earth but I do think his approach to writing mlb specifically has more misses than hits.

The first big miss is that he has no idea how to write 14 year old girls. At all. Almost every girl he has ever written feels like some terrible archetype built entirely for marketability and childish projection and pubescent self-insert (kind of). He has never been a 14 year old girl. I have. In fact when the show first aired, I WAS around the (assumed) age of the mlb characters. The behaviour he passes off as quirky or awkward or just the character’s genuine personality tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes of teen girls found in the media and are never actually addressed as harmful. they just get swept under the rug. Marinette’s exuberant collage of teen heart throb model boi Adrien Agreste and her very painful almost fan worship she has of him (which flip flops like a paper sandal in the rain) being portrayed as a cute school girl crush uwu, Chloe being the y7 Regina George, Alya being the token best friend of colour with her ‘sassy’ personality (i want y'all to imagine me eyerolling so hard i bust a vessel in my eye), Kagami being the very damaging Perfect Asian Child stereotype. And before y'all get on your dusty soap box and defend going on about “BUT IT'S FOR CHILDREN”,,,, know this.

 i don’t give a solid fuck. 

Not one. 

Children arent stupid. Children are always going to remember the richy bitchy blonde who bullies the art kid, and the big kid, and the shy kid, and the non white kids, and was only nice to her equally rich white friend who she probably had a crush on or was only ever civil to her equally white lapdog. They're going to remember the half asian girl who was never allowed to actually be asian or the only black girl who existed solely as a soundboard for enabling bad habits or chastising the main character for the same habits she enables in the first place (boi aint THAT a topic for later). Like do i really need to explain that alya chastising marinette for taking max’s spot in gamer just to play with adrien rings absolutely hollow when she actively encourages her to sabotage the contest she’s in just so Kagami doesn't win?? Like I don't have to explain that right?? Again kids arent stupid and its quite something that Mari gets chastised for proving herself the best video game player regardless of her intentions just cuz it comes at the expense of max’s feelings/ego but is actively encouraged to sabotage not only kagami but herself by extension cuz kagami is ‘competition.’ Adrien is not a trophy to be won. And no I don't expect 14 yrs old to be perfect and to always make good decisions but these decisions are never addressed as being bad decisions. they get swept under the rug cuz those decisions were necessary for the ‘plot’ but astruc can barely keep characterization consistent and his characters suffer for it and it's the same children you preach are watching it that suffer as well. Cuz guess what? I KNOW 14 yr olds aren't like that cuz i've been there done that (this is the last time i'm saying that i promise) so I know astruc is just metaphorically throwing darts to figure out who says and does what without consideration for pre established personalities to drive the stalemate plot along. The same kids you say are watching this don't know that that's not how preteens work and will absorb and internalize those dynamics like baking soda and vinegar. Cata-fucking-strophically. 

And I haven't even gotten to the boys yet. Which honestly doesn't require much explanation anyways cuz they suffer the same fate as the girls. Tired archetypes with nothing to give them life. Nino falls into Adrien’s person of colour token best friend who dates the female lead’s person of colour token best friend so they can have cute double dates uwu. Except the plot goes nowhere and we have no inclination of romantic development beyond moments that only act to actively convince me to anti ship the lovesquare (i don't want to do that so i self indulge in fanon that actually cares about the characters and plot. may i interest you in True Sight on AO3?). Max is the residential nerd but it doesn't matter (cuz he and everyone are dumbed down for the sake of ‘plot’), kim is the sports jock (which interestingly subverts the asian comedic relief stereotype but only barely) and luka is cute older guy ™ that wears black nail polish and is in a band. The point of all this is to say there is no depth in the characters. It's especially blatantly obvious with the characters astruc doesn't like (chloe). Again, it being a show for kids is not an excuse to be absolved of putting effort into the characters you make.

This is one of the biggest misses astruc has. I haven't even gone into all the nuances of this particular miss. And i havent gone into how that works against him in the plot either. Mostly because the plot itself hasn't gone anywhere and partially because I wanted to go into the plot (or lack thereof) separately as its own miss. 

AND BOI is it a miss. 

SO home boy astruc wanted to reap the benefits of a serial show with ‘engaging’ plot without putting in any of the work to make a linear storyline and relying on the episodic format for, again, marketability. You can't have the best of both worlds, you are not Avatar: The Last Airbender. Which btw has a lot less episodes and a desired end goal that didn't involve top dollar. Legend of Korra did but that's not the point and it had its failings with that too. I challenge you, tell me how many episodes actually contribute towards a plot point or introduce new thematic elements to the show? Can you name them? I can and I'm going to include the plot points that moved the story in some direction if only temporarily. Yes only temporarily for some of these and i will explain later. (if you're in the server you already saw this list *wink*)

25/26. Origins- self explanatory, the beginning of the story, 

24. Volpina- introduction of the grimoire and Master Fu (kind of) and no, Lila is not a plot point,

28. The Collector- proper introduction of Master Fu,

37. Sapotis- introduction of Rena Rouge,

41. Syren- introduction of new aquatic power ups,

44. Anansi- introduction of Carapace,

47. Frozer- introduction of new ice power ups,

48/49. Style Queen- introduction of Queen Bee,

51/52. Heroes’ Day- introduction of Mayura and mass akumatization,

66. Startrain- introduction of Pegasus,

67. Kwami Buster- Marinette wears multiple miraculouses,

68. Feast- backstory as to how the miraculouses were lost,

69. Ikari Gozen- introduction of Ryuko,

70. Timetagger- introduction of Bunnyx,

71. Party Crasher- introduction of Roi Singe and Viperion,

73. Chat Blanc- alternate timeline that essentially means nothing but got a reaction out of fans anyways (myself included)

 77/78. Love Eater/Battle of Miraculous- Marinette becomes guardian and other heroes lose their miraculous,

New York Special- other heroes exist and there is an American miraculous box,

That's 21 episodes. 21 out of a heaping 78 plus 2 specials. Everything else was just your typical akuma of the day episode and everything that happened outside that had no lasting consequences on the plot thanks to the miraculous status quo. Was it entertaining to watch Lila stir the plot of the class dynamic? Hell yeah. Too bad it meant nothing by the end of the episode cuz we were struck with miraculous status quo. She literally doesn't appear again until Heroes Day. that is from episodes 25 all the way to 51, she means nothing and yet she is treated with the severity of a b-villain/rival thing. She means nothing by the end of Volpina if I'm being honest. She is only relevant for 20 mins of episode time she’s in then it's back to magic status quo that undoes any shift in dynamics and relationships. It's like Spongebob who can't get his driver’s license. The worst part is I actually like Lila and I wish the story treated her with the seriousness we as an audience are expected to treat her with. Despite being painfully inconsequential by the end of each of the 3?? 4?? episodes she’s in, it's entertaining to watch a character create drama just because. 

Too bad it means nothing.

Astruc is constantly building up suspense to something ‘important’ only for it to not deliver and fans are constantly having the rug pulled out from under us. Oblivio teased us with a reveal only that gets undone cuz memory akuma. Chat Blanc teased us with romantic development but that gets undone cuz time travel bullshit. Feast introduced more miraculous lore and the history of the guardians but that means nothing by the next episode or ever (i'm not including any reference to the season 4 trailer cuz i've been around the block a few times and im familiar with this lil dancy dance). Heroes Day teased us with a possible future team of heroes but that gets undone in Battle of Miraculous cuz ????? why?? (here's why; astruc was having a jolly ole time letting us know how irredeemable Chloe is at the expense of shooting his own stagnant plot in the foot. Again, discussion for later.)

Too bad anything that slightly swerves off course from the akuma of the day gets undone or ignored. Too bad nothing has any lasting consequence. I mean, if anything did, the episodes would have had a consistent order and release schedule so im not scrambling to watch the leaked ep in Portuguese or something while the french dub is two episodes behind while the english version hasnt even been dubbed. I really wonder how he plans to conclude the show when he’s so afraid to step out of the corner he painted himself in.

Again, not going into nuances. If you want you can ask for more specifics (i doubt anyone would) but this is really just a slightly detailed general overview of my opinions on astruc’s writing. 

I was going to include another miss in his approach to this show but imma save that for another time. 

How’s that for a ‘first’ post?

[rjhpandapaws]

A Cup of Something Better

Ch7: When Stuck in One Place, Try Another

Hank was in a tight spot, his manuscript was late already, and it was only going to get later. Hank was out of ideas, well, kind of, distracted was probably a better word for it. Somehow he didn't think his editor would take the excuse of 'so I'm gonna need an extension on that deadline because I'm out of ideas, and also the time I could have spent writing I've spent thinking about a guy that I've seen like once,' all that well. Kaya was great, don't get him wrong, she put up with a lot of his bullshit, but even she had her limits. Hank being almost a month late with a manuscript was definitely one of them, that he unfortunately knew from experience. Best to get this over with. After his meeting with Kaya he was meeting Jeffrey for lunch, something they didn't do as often as they should.

Figuring he'd sat outside her home office long enough, Hank turned off his beat up old car and got out to head inside. The sooner he got this over with the better. She met him at the door, her red hair tied back in a bun, her green eyes were narrowed behind wide red framed glasses. He was definitely about to get an earful.

"You're late," she said in place of a greeting stepping aside to let him in, "but im beginning to notice thats the one garuntee with you."

"Good afternoon to you too Kaya," Hank remarked letting the tall redhead lead the way to her office.

She sat in her office chair and Hank took the couch. Kaya waited until he was seated before she spoke, "Please tell me you have something, even just a progress check. You're creeping up on a month and the company is starting to breathe down my back."

Hank cleared his throat rubbing at his beard, trying to find words that wouldn't get him flayed alive, "the college has been keeping me pretty busy, when I've had time to write I havent been able to get anything down. I was, um, I was wondering if I could get an extension or maybe a hiatus period. I honestly thought I'd be done by now, I'm sorry Kaya."

She sighed, an incredibly swdate response compared to the anger that was burning in her eyes, "an extension Hank? You come in here a month overdue with nothing to show for it and you have the nerve to ask for an extension! You never fail to amaze me. I'll see if I can get you marked as on hiatus. I'll cite your being a professor as my reasoning." Hank breathed a sigh of relief, though the feeling was short lived as Kaya continued, "If you do something like this again the company is going to drop you most likely."'

"Thanks Kaya." Hank responded, "I know I'm not the easiest to work with, but this shouldn't happen again."

She watched him stand with a distant expression, "you know what happens if it does."

He nodded as he made his way to the door, "Have a good day Kaya."

"You too Hank."

Hank figured this was a long time coming, but it was still a surprise to hear just how close he was to being dropped. Not that it wasn't deserved, only a few of his manuscripts had ever been on time. For a few months out of the year he could blame it on being a professor, but the main reason for it was just that his writing process was unstructured and slow.

He needed a pick me up if he was going to be dealing with Jeff as well as Kaya. He drove the familiar route toward the university, planning to stop by the cute cafe again. He parked and walked into the cafe, making his way to the counter with plans to try that same latte again with less espresso since he was feeling more human today. There was a different barista working the counter today, Josh, according to his nametag.

"Hey," Josh said with a charismatic smile, "welcome to Hand Brewed Hope, what can we get started for you?"

"I'll take a medium vanilla latte with two shots of espresso," he almost ordered something for Jeff but then thought better of it.

"Connor will have that down at the other counter for you when its done," Josh said handing the cup off to the other barista.

Hank followed the action with his eyes and then his brain froze. It was the barista from yesterday, he figured as much from the name, either the kid from his night class or his twin. He was just as struck by Connor this time as he had been before and it took all of his strength not to just stare. If anything he was more attractive now that Hank was awake enough to take in more than just his eyes.

Connor was tall, maybe a couple inches shorter than Hank. His brown hair was styled back neatly save for one errant curl that fell defiantly onto his forehead giving the look boyish charm. Hank caught himself staring and decided to make conversation.

"So, uh, Connor, was it?" Hank asked in the ineloquent way that seemed to be the usual of him when he was around the barista.

"Yes professor?" Came the almost immediate response and Hank needed a minute.

Hank stared again, trying to assess if he had in fact heard that correctly. Upon the realization that he he had, his stomach turned on itself. Nothing said dirty old man quite like crushing on one of your students.

"Well that answers that I suppose," Hank said, and hopefully he didn't sound like he was choking on his words.

Connor couldn't be more than in his early twenties at best, and Hank was turning thrity-nine come September. On top of being his professor, the age difference would make anyone uncomfortable. This crush needed to be tucked away, it couldn't become anything. He was pulled from his thoughts by the paper togo cup coming into his line of sight. He took it with a weak smile.

"Have a good day professor," Connor said kindly as he turned to leave.

"You too kid," he responded lifting the cup in place of a wave as he left the cafe like the devil was on his heels.

He could already hear Jeff giving him a hard time about falling for yet another pair of pretty brown eyes, as well as the following lecture about appropriate behavior. He rolled his eyes at his own thoughts and started his car heading to their usual place, a diner by the police station. He drank from the latte, deciding that two shots of espresso was ideal, the bitter perfectly balanced by the vanilla.

Hank arrived before Jeff as was usual and picked a table close to the door, somewhere easy to spot. Jeff arrived a few minutes later, sitting across from Hank. He eyed the coffee cup.

"Good to see you're as much of an asshole as I remember," Jeff joked in way of a greeting, "stopped for a fucking coffee and didn't even get me anything."

Hank laughed shaking his head, "I don't see you for six months and the first thing you do is bitch at me for not buying you a coffee. Some friend you are."

"How's the new book coming along?" He asked looking over the menu.

Hank winced, "I asked to be put on hiatus with my publisher because of got nothing in me right now."

Jeff gave him a sympathetic smile, "how's the university treating you then?"

"Good," Hank replied setting his own menu down having decided on a bacon burger, "night classes are pretty relaxed. How are things at the station?"

"Hectic." Came the reply as Jeff flagged for a waiter, "just got a bunch of new academy graduates and they all think they're hot shit."

"You know how it is, give them a few months and the gravity of the job will set in."

There was a lull in the conversation long enough for them to place their orders. Then the topic finally turned away from work. Though Hank didn't like the new topic that much better.

"So you seeing anyone Hank?" Jeff asked right as he was drinking from his latte. His choking must have marked him as guilty because Jeff continued with, "let me guess, brown eyes."

"Its complicated," Hank replied when he caught his breath, staring at the table as though it held the solution to all of his problems, "he's one of my students. I met him here though." He said tapping the paper cup, "he's a barista."

He could feel Jeff's eyes on him and he looked up. "You've got it bad, its written all over your face." Hank could feel the lecture coming, "you know you can't do anything right? At least not until the semester is out."

"I know that Jeff, jesus." The second half took a little longer to catch up with Hank, "wait what?"

"He's taking night classes right? So that usually means older students. Try talking to him outside of class, like at the shop once the semester is over," Jeff said casually, as though he wasn't suggesting that Hank talk to a guy that was younger than him but also definitely out of his fucking league.

Hank was saved from having to reply when their food arrived. Content silence followed as they enjoyed their lunch, though in the background Hank was overtaking what Jeff had said. Could he approach Connor? Would that be okay? Worst comes to worse Connor would just assume him an overly conversational customer. It couldn't hurt to try he supposed, but then again he'd always been a sucker for brown eyes.

They switched to lighter topics until it came time to part ways. Like always they parted with the half empty promise that they would do this more often. Hank giving a less empty promise that, yes he would at least try and talk to Connor when the semester was out.

Hank had left in a better mood than he had arrived in. For the first time in months he felt inspired, he wanted to write. Not for his manuscript, but maybe it was time to start a new project. Something that better fit what he was feeling, something light and happy. A short piece probably, but well worth the wait. Something that reflected the warmth that can be found in warm brown eyes.

[ladybugsfanfics]

Shut Up And Kiss Me [14/?] | Tom Hiddleston

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x reader

WC: 2.3k

Warnings: pining, angst, implications of sex,

Summary: You and Professor Hiddleston have been colleagues for many years now, and through those years the hatred for each other has only grown. Now, as a new school year starts, you’re being told that you have to share a classroom or a class. Neither are happy about the outcome, but knowing you’ll never come to an agreement, you let the class choose for you. Team-teaching is rare in 2019, but it is a lot harder to do when you can’t stand the person you’re doing it with.

A/N: so this is late, and i havent posted anything in like two weeks, but school’s crazy and im kinda tired but this is finally here and i’ve reached 1k followers. I don’t know if i’ll make something out of it but thank you to every one who is following me and i hope you enjoy this part ^_^

Little goes through Tom’s mind when he wakes. Surprise catches him at the feel of someone lying in his arms, and more surprise at the unfamiliar room he’s in. Tom looks down to see who’s cuddling into him, whose fanning breath spreads across his chest.

His breath gets punched out of him at the sight of Y/N. Her hair tangled, arm draped over his bare torso, and heavy breathing mixing with the hammering of his heart.

Oh, God. He didn’t…?

But Tom knows he did. He didn’t drink. The events of the previous night flashes through his mind. How she’d asked if he could drive her home, how she’d needed help to get inside, how he’d watched her fiddle with her keys before getting open the door. He remembers the way his chest beat so rapidly, waiting for that inevitable goodbye that was doomed to come.

Everything stopped working inside of him when she pulled him into her doorway, when she tugged at his tie and made the motion to look up. Adrenaline had coursed through his body when his lips met hers. The five years of pining and trying to get over the painful breaking of his heart had been swept to the side. When she’d deepened the kiss with her arms wrapped around his neck and a jump before her legs were wrapped around his waist and his hand had come to cup her ass and they’d moved to the bedroom, lips still locked together, had been the most intense moment he’d ever experienced.

The picture he saved in his mind of her naked body in bed pops up and Tom has to shake away the thought.

This isn’t happening. Y/N had been drunk. She is with Chris. It was a mistake, clearly. A drunken one.

And he’d made the mistake of indulging.

It takes him only a second to make up his mind. He does his best to peel himself away from her, gaze flickering to her every moment just to make sure she doesn’t wake up. Boxers on, trousers on, shirt wrongly buttoned, a quick grasp of socks and jacket, and he double checks his wallet and phone are still there, and knowing he has his belongings, he soundlessly slips out the door.

Only a week left before Christmas break. Only a week where things might be slightly awkward between the two of them. Only a week to figure out what the hell he’s supposed to do now.

This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen.

---

Awkwardness is the least of Tom’s worries, apparently.

When he makes it to the classroom before class on Tuesday (and mind you, he hasn’t seen Y/N since before they fell asleep Saturday evening), he’s met with the pleasurable yet very frightening bright smile Y/N sends him.

“Hey,” she says, eyes lighting up with a passion Tom hasn’t ever seen before. “We haven’t talked that much lately, but I thought we had some time now.” She hands him a paper. “I wanted to talk about the upcoming exam, and how to best prepare them to get the best possible grades.”

Tom takes the paper she hands, and sees a list of suggestions. The title reads Tips To Get The Best Exam Results. He nods slightly. “Sure, sounds good.” His voice sounds weird to his ears, lighter than normal. He coughs slightly, and tries again. “Did you have anything specific in mind that we should focus on?”

Nope, still no good.

But if Y/N noticed, she doesn’t say anything, the smile still brightly lighting up her face. “Just thought we could go off the list, really. Something I threw together on Sunday. Already had a rough draft, but you know, can’t stop working.” She tips her head a little, almost a shrug but not really one.

He’s tempted to ask her; if he did something wrong. Maybe he shouldn’t have left her apartment? Maybe they should talk about it?

Tom looks down to check his watch. Still fifteen minutes until any students are supposed to make an appearance. That’s more than enough time to talk about the incident, more than enough, only how does he start―

“Tom?” Y/N waves a hand in front of his face, her own searching for a response.

He shakes his head. “Sorry, what?”

“Just asked if there was anything you thought I’d missed. I want your input.”

There’s something so completely foreign to that sentence that Tom freezes. Even if they were making progress with how well they got along, he’d never actually thought she’d willingly ask for his input. Especially not after he left her apartment after a (great) round of sex and hasn’t actually talked to her since―as far as he knows, most people don’t like that.

However, he has to pull himself out of his head. So he shakes his head (no, he has not read the list) and just gives her a weak smile. “I’m sorry, I’m not really present today.”

“That’s okay,” she says, smile back on her face, though more sweet and less bright. Almost bordering on saccharine. “Can’t always be present, can we? I bet you had a pretty rough Sunday, too. Might not have had that good a Monday either?”

Tom raises a brow. “Rough Sunday? Were you very hungover?” Yes, he avoids the questions. He needs to know if there’s a possibility she doesn’t remember. Of course, that would only make matters worse because he would feel compelled to tell her.

Y/N scrunches her nose a little. “Not that much. I didn’t drink a lot, with the exceptions of the shots I took, but honestly, without them I’d never dared to kiss you either, so… kinda thankful.” And as she talks, her demeanor changes. Tom starts to wonder if she wasn’t being passive aggressive all this time with her sweet voice and big smile.

“You… uhm.” Tom’s words don’t work. Or maybe they don’t exist.

“Yeah, great night, actually. You know, other than you walking out on me, but I can’t blame you.” She shrugs. There’s nothing close to hurt in her voice, nothing close to anger either, really.

Tom has to swallow, because he feels like there’s something more she wants to say and he’s not sure the tug at his heart can take it if she does. Whether that’s a bold reveal that she does, in fact, not like him, in any way, or if it is that she likes him. But what if she likes him only sexually? Will he indulge?

“You know?” she says and takes a step closer to him. “We got about ten minutes. Or more, if we lock the door.” A finger comes up to drag down a little of the shirt he wears, exposing some of his chest. She doesn’t say the last words, but Tom can hear them.

His heart beats rapidly in his chest. Her fingers dance with flames as they graze across and trace their way to his chin. A firm hand takes hold of it, steadying his gaze into hers and he’s not sure he can say no when she licks her lips in that way.

God, his pants are tight.

When he lets her tug him down to ghost her lips over his, he knows he’s screwed. He’s breaking his own heart, breaking the pieces he thought were mending slowly but surely, breaking the trust he put into himself to be strong enough to resist the temptation.

But when Y/N’s lips graze past and connect with his neck, he can’t control the impulse that makes his hands fly to her hips to pull her flush against him. His hands graze the lining of her shirt, and he knows they don’t have time for teasing or foreplay or anything Tom really enjoys.

He doesn’t care. He gives in, succumbing to the desire that resides deep within him. If the only way Tom can be close to Y/N is by being a fuck buddy, he couldn’t care less. At least he gets to be with her.

---

By now, Tom would be home. He’d be with Bobby, cradling the dog into him to gain the cuddles he so desperately needed but didn’t get from the person he most wanted.

Yet, Tom isn’t home. He’s still at the office, slumped down in his too small couch with its too lumpy cushions and too hard armrests. It was the first thing he’d done when he got back after the Creative Writing class. Mostly because he needed time to think, but he can’t think because all that’s on it is how good those ten minutes before class started had been.

God knows he loves foreplay, but God knows they hadn’t needed it.

It’s not like that isn’t what he wanted to think about, it’s just that he can’t stop thinking about how it felt, instead of thinking about what this means for him. For them. For Y/N: His mind should be travelling through all the consequences of such a relationship. Or his mind shouldn’t only be focusing on the positive consequences.

He should focus on how this might rupture the steady going of an actual friendship (with the hopeful something more), but instead he can’t stop thinking about the feelings that rushed through him when Y/N’s lips had press to that spot on his neck. He can’t stop thinking about the throbbing in his abdomen, the swirl of hurt and guilt and arousal deep within his gut, the adrenaline that rushed through his body knowing she wanted him.

However, the one thought (that’s a mixture of positive and negative) he can’t let go, is that she avoided kissing him. She avoided pressing her lips to his, despite the obvious passion that had come from it on Saturday. She almost avoided his face entirely (the slight hint of a red mark on his neck―that one of their students had pointed out over the course of the class―isn’t necessarily unwanted).

But that feeling, that deep, deep longing that had accompanied the kiss on Saturday (no matter if it was prompted by alcohol), he missed that. He wanted it. He still wants it. He wants all of it. More than just friends with benefits, more than a casual relationship, more than… He isn’t even sure exactly what it is they do have.

Maybe they have something that can lead somewhere? Maybe they have something that won’t continue? Maybe they have something―  

Tom’s train of thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. He scrambles to sit upright on the couch (though he nearly falls off). And, with some sense of dignity still left, he says, “come in.”

The door opens agonizingly slowly. Tom has a silent wish of it being Y/N wanting something more, but he also has a huge wish it’s Benedict and that he can talk to his best friend about the problem that is eating away at him.

And thank God, his prayers are answered. Benedict fully steps into the room and gives Tom a quick once up. He raises a brow and smirks slightly. “And what did I walk in on?” he asks.

“Nothing.” Tom shakes his head. “No, there is something. You have time to talk or did you just come here for a favor?”

Benedict closes the door and sits down in the chair at his side of the desk. He turns it to face Tom and leans back, arms crossed over his chest. “I was coming in here for something else, but you look like you need to talk more. What’s going on?”

“It’s Y/N.”

“Of course it is. Did something happen Saturday?” Benedict raises a brow.

Tom nods, slowly. “We… uhh, I don’t know how to put this, but… we, uhmm…” He takes a deep breath, unsure of how to say the words, unsure of Benedict’s reaction. “We slept together.”

The man’s eyes go wide, and a frown comes through on his face. “Like in the same bed, or the… you know?”

“We had sex, and then fell asleep afterward. Why would we just sleep in the same bed?” Tom shakes his head at his best friends.

“I don’t know. Maybe there was something else.” He shrugs. “But that can’t be everything.”

Tom presses his lips together. He drapes a hand across his face, a sigh accompanying the gesture. “We did it again. I guess you could call it a ‘quicky’. In the classroom. Before our students came in.”

“Is that the reason for the red mark on your neck?”

“Yes.”

When Tom looks up to meet Benedict’s gaze, it feels almost like the older man is mocking him. The teasing, and halfway disappointed, look on Benedict's face is tantalizing.

“She or you initiate?”

“Her. Both times.”

“But the first she was drunk?”

Tom nods. “She had a mistletoe in her doorway. I guess it helped when I followed her up to her flat, seeing as she couldn’t really walk.”

Benedict chuckles. “Are you going to keep it up?”

A sigh falls from Tom’s lips. “I don’t know. Should I?”

“Is it worth it?”

Is it worth it? Is it worth the ache in his heart when she looks at him as if he holds everything she desires but not the part he wants her to desire? Is it worth the stab in his gut when her lips don’t connect with his? Is it worth the scorching heat that comes off of her fingers grazing his skin, of her hands studying his chest? Is it worth his heart leaping into his throat because she feels so close yet so far away? Is it worth it, if his heart will only break past redemption in an effort to be close to her even if it’s not in the way he wants?

“I don’t know.” Tom shakes his head. “What if it’s the only way? What if that’s my only option to be close to her? What if I lose everything if I stop it?”

Benedict smiles, but whatever is really on his mind, he doesn’t say. “Tom, be real. Is it worth it?”

He takes a deep breath, unsure of his answer. Unsure until his lips part and the words carry around the room.

“Yes.”

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[ahtohallan-calling]

chapter 5 of don’t read the last page is here!

[kristanna / m / multichap / modern au with actress!anna and vetstudent!kristoff]

He’d put the phone down on the counter while he made breakfast, but now that his hands were free again he still didn’t pick it up; after their initial awkward phone call, they’d started FaceTiming instead, and as much as he loved seeing her face, he was really glad she couldn’t see his right now.

“And I was soo confused, so I started telling her, like, ‘Seriously, Honey, he’s got this amazing blond hair that you just like, want to touch all the time and these big brown eyes and little freckles and plus I’m pretty sure he’s kind of ripped and I—‘ Kristoff, I heard the microwave go off already. Are you hiding from me?”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder.

chapter 5

day 1

Sven was just stumbling into the kitchen when Kristoff came in. He frowned, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“You look really happy for someone who just dropped off their girlfriend at the airport for a six-week trip,” he said, pouring a glass of chocolate milk. 

“Not my girlfriend.”

“Not the important part of that sentence.”

Kristoff snagged the bottle and poured himself a cup. “This is mine, by the way, so you owe me.”

“Fine, I’ll buy toilet paper l-- no, I know you, Bjorgman, you’re trying to distract me.”

Sven narrowed his eyes further, fixing Kristoff with a hard stare. He tried to look as innocent as possible as he went to rummage through the fridge, but then he remembered the way Anna had clung to him, the feel of her little hands in his hair, the press of her lips against--

“Oh my god! You kissed her!”

Kristoff stood, not bothering to hide his smile anymore. “Well, technically, she kissed me.”

“I fucking called it, man, I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold off that much longer.”

“We really did try.”

“You didn’t even make it a week, my guy,” Sven said amiably, meandering into the living room. “You tried harder at Mario Kart the other night. Which, by the way, I know you lost on purpose so Anna could win.”

Kristoff considered arguing, but then his phone lit up with a text from Anna, so instead he grinned and walked away to the sound of Sven sighing dramatically. “I heard that buzz! I know it’s her! Jesus, I’d say get a room, but--”

Kristoff didn’t hear the rest as he shut his bedroom door.

kris!! theres wifi i can text you

Im in first class look 

..

That’s crazy

They gave you champagne this early in the morning?

..

supposed to be for mimosas

but it’s like 5 o clock somewhere

specifically romania so

..

That jet lag is going to be rough.

How long is your flight?

..

10 hrs to london then 3 to bucharest💀

but i think my seat turns into a bed so ill try to sleep

theres sooooo many movies tho!

omg theyre bringing more snacks….i feel like a movie star already

..

You kind of are.

..

havent made the movie yet!!

oh the director is here he wants to talk ttyl

..

:)

---

day 4

For some reason, her hands were shaking as they hovered over the green button. “Just do it, Anna,” she muttered to herself. “It’s just Kristoff. He told you to call.”

Thanks to the time difference and long flights, it had taken most of two days to even get here, and on her first full day in Romania she’d been so overwhelmed with the film set and meeting her co-star Adam and talking to the directors and producers and costumers and cameramen that she’d completely crashed the moment she’d gotten back to her hotel room. She’d woken up in the middle of the night and sent Kristoff a quick text apologizing for not calling; he’d responded almost immediately, reassuring her that it was fine and to just call him the next day. At a reasonable hour, he’d made sure to add, not at 2 A.M. Go back to sleep.

She had, and then she’d nearly missed her alarm and hadn’t had time to call him in the morning, and then she’d been filming her first scene and been so overwhelmed by all of that that now it was nearly six o’clock, and it was the first time she’d gotten to look at her phone all day.

He’d texted her once at around 9 A.M. her time. Good luck today! You’ll kill it. Her heart had done a funny little flip at the message, simple as it was; every time she thought of Kristoff, it didn’t feel quite real, like it was just a daydream she would wake up from, but here it was, concrete proof that even literally halfway around the world-- more than halfway, actually-- he was still thinking of her, still caring about her.

The remembrance of that was what finally gave her the courage to hit call. She felt too nervous to FaceTime him, especially considering she was already in sweatpants and halfway through eating a bowl of pasta on her bed. He picked up on the third ring, sounding breathless for some reason.

“Hey! Anna! How are you?”

“I’m, um, I’m good! How are you? You sound kind of...out of breath?”

“Oh, yeah, you caught me at the gym, so I--”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, let me hang up and--”

“No, don’t! I’m almost done, just--”

There was a quick beep in the background, and a whirring noise she hadn’t noticed until now stopped. “Okay, sorry, we’re good.”

She couldn’t help but imagine what he looked like right now, with his hair hanging in his eyes and sweat dripping down his very well-muscled--

“Anna? You there?”

He’d just asked her something, but she’d been too busy daydreaming to catch it. Maybe it really was for the best she hadn’t gone for FaceTime; she probably would have been struck speechless at the sight of him. “Sorry, I was just-- sorry. Um. What did you say?”

He laughed softly. “I asked how your first day of filming went.”

“Oh! It was good, really good, actually. We filmed that scene I auditioned with, actually. They changed the bit about the cowboy boots.”

“Thank god. I don’t know anything about movies, but I know that was awful.”

“Oh, yeah, Adam-- that’s who’s playing Jesse-- he said they’d have to double his paycheck if they wanted him to say shit like that, and then we kind of improv-ed something else and it went really well.”

“That’s awesome!”

Anna felt herself blushing, just barely, at the sound of the genuine pride in his voice. “It was, um, it was nothing, really.”

“So how’s all of it going? Are the...um...honestly, I don’t know who all is involved in making movies. But are the other people nice?”

“Yeah! I really like the girl who does my hair and makeup, her name’s Honey. Isn’t that cute?”

Kristoff laughed; she could hear him starting the car in the background. Anna bit her lip. “Oh-- did you get to shower?”

“I will at home, don’t worry. Anyway--”

“You need to focus on driving? Yeah, I totally get it, seriously. Bye!”

She hit the red button and quickly dropped her phone. Her heart had been pounding the whole time; god, she was really out of practice with this whole thing. Embarrassment swept over her, and she buried her face in her knees; how the hell was this going to work when she was too self-conscious to talk to him for more than five minutes? God, she’d be lucky if he ever bothered to call her again after this.

To her surprise, the phone buzzed only a moment later. She debated picking it up for a long moment, then decided to go ahead and rip the bandaid off and snatched it up.

Just FYI, I was feeling really nervous, too. Want me to call you back after I get home and shower?

For some reason, tears started to fill her eyes as she typed a response. 

yes please :)

She showered, too, taking her time as she let the hot water work its magic on the tension in her shoulders, drawing in slow, deep breaths to steady herself. It wasn’t that every guy she’d ever dated had been bad, per se, just that it had been quite a long time since she’d been with someone who made her feel this nervous and excited and terrified and joyful all at once-- actually, now that she thought about it, she didn’t know if she’d ever liked someone else this much right off the bat. Since coming to L.A. almost two years ago, she’d had a string of bad luck with men, and it was strange readjusting to the notion that one would want to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to him, that he actually wanted to hear about her day, that he saw right through all her embarrassing little defense mechanisms and somehow knew just what to say to make her feel better. Of course they knew each other, but this was something different, something more, as if she didn’t even have to say something for him to understand.

Her phone buzzed again ten minutes after she got out of the shower; with a smile, she picked it up.

“Hey, Kris.”

“Hey, Anna.”

“Ready to try again?”

“With you? Always.”

---

day 9

“So I was telling her, like, ‘I wish I had a recent picture of him to show you because he’s like, super super hot.’ And she kind of made this face and was like ‘that won’t make a difference.’”

He’d put the phone down on the counter while he made breakfast, but now that his hands were free again he still didn’t pick it up; after their initial awkward phone call, they’d started FaceTiming instead, and as much as he loved seeing her face, he was really glad she couldn’t see his right now. 

“And I was soo confused, so I started telling her, like, ‘Seriously, Honey, he’s got this amazing blond hair that you just like, want to touch all the time and these big brown eyes and little freckles and plus I’m pretty sure he’s kind of ripped and I—‘ Kristoff, I heard the microwave go off already. Are you hiding from me?”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder. 

Anna giggled. “Then show me your face.”

He did so reluctantly; to his surprise, she didn’t laugh. “Kris, you know you are, like, super handsome, right? Seriously.”

“I’m, um, I’m just gonna—“

“I mean it. Like I get why you’re feeling shy about it and stuff but just know that, okay?”

He only nodded, feeling a little better, although his face was still heated. Anna, knowing when to leave well enough alone, smiled at him and continued her story. “Anyway, I told her all that and she just started laughing, and finally when I was done she was like ‘Anna, I’m gay’. And so then I showed her a picture of my sister, and I’m just saying, when we’re back in LA, we’re definitely doing a double date.”

—-

day 15

She didn’t know why she felt so nervous about telling him about it. She’d already texted him that morning telling him what scenes they were filming, and it wasn’t like it had meant anything; it was just part of the movie, and Adam was married anyway— but then again, it wasn’t that part that had really been bothering her. She still wasn’t sure until she was explaining it all to Kristoff, forcing herself to maintain eye contact as she held up her phone inside the blanket nest she’d constructed on her bed. 

“And like, he and I are good friends now, so that at least made it easier. And we were all in character and stuff, so, you know, it felt right, and then they started the fake snow going and we just did it, you know?”

“Uh-huh,” Kristoff said, his voice neutral. 

“That like— this doesn’t bother you, right?” she asked quickly. “Because seriously, it didn’t mean—“

“Anna, I know. This is literally your job, I’m not jealous or anything. But please tell me if I ever make you feel like I’m mad or something, because I’m seriously not.”

She let out the breath she’d been holding. “I— I know. I just...wanted to make sure. Because it still, like...still felt weird to me, you know? And I can’t figure out why.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Have you done this before? Like, stage kissing and stuff?”

“Oh, yeah, lots of times. But this time felt kind of different. I just don’t know why.”

He considered it for a moment, looking so thoughtful she couldn’t help but smile, feeling a little flutter in her chest at the thought that he really and truly cared about helping her figure this out. “Enough about me, though, tell me about that crazy to-go order you texted me about. Did you end up getting to see the person who’d ordered it?”

They talked for so long Anna lost track of time, until she yawned so widely Kristoff stopped talking mid-sentence. 

“Anna, what time is it there?”

“Um...close to eleven?”

“What time did you get up this morning?”

“...four.”

He laughed softly. “Get some sleep. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow morning, okay?”

She wanted to argue, but honestly she’d been fighting to keep her eyes open for the last half hour. “Night, Kris.”

“Night, Anna. Sweet dreams.”

He said that every night, but the way he’d smiled tonight— she was thinking about it until long after she’d hung up her phone and closed her eyes. Then, suddenly, she sat upright and snatched it up again, typing furiously. 

figured it out...before, there’s never been someone i ACTUALLY wanted to kiss instead 

..

:)

I wish it had been me, too. 

—

day 21

hey kris!!! sorry i know it’s the middle of the night there so i hope this doesn’t wake you up but i set an alarm on my phone for the exact time and as of like 10 seconds ago we’re halfway there!!!!!!! 😊😊😊

To her surprise, a response came just a few minutes later. 

:) Knew we could do this.

—

day 23

“I got my class schedule today.”

“Yeah? Show me!”

He held it up awkwardly to the camera, and she squinted at it. “Oh, wow, that’s a lot of blocks. Are you still going to work at Starbucks?”

“Yeah, I’ve been there the whole time I’ve been in school. Just work less hours on weekdays, usually pick up some early morning weekend shifts.”

“Oh, that sucks.”

He shrugged. “It works out. I, uh, I’ve got some scholarships that cover most of my tuition, so then it’s, y’know. Rent money and stuff.”

Anna frowned, feeling suddenly acutely aware of how much money she was making for a lot less work. “Will you have, like...any free time?”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” he said quickly, suddenly sounding nervous. “I promise I’ll still have time to hang out with you and stuff, just--”

“No, no that’s like-- shit, that’s not what I meant, Kris, I mean I kind of did but like-- I’m not trying to like, pressure you or--”

“No, I get it, I--”

“No, I mean like school is way important and you like--”

“Seriously, when I say we can--”

Anna took a deep breath. “Okay. You talk first.”

“I, um. I don’t want you to think, like, I won’t make time for you or something, though. Um-- that was all.”

She smiled, wishing she could be there in person; it was so much easier to reassure him when she could just squeeze his hand. “Seriously, that’s not what I meant. I was just worried about you, ‘cause that’s, like, a lot of stress. So if there’s anything I can do to like, help or whatever, just...just let me know. Like...with anything.”

“Seriously, I think it’ll help a ton to just have a pretty girl keeping me company while I study.”

She felt her cheeks turn pink. “What if I end up wanting to distract you?”

Now she wasn’t the only one blushing.

---

day 30

“Miss you.”

“Miss you, too.”

Tonight, there wasn’t really anything else to say.

—- 

day 34

He’d stopped leaving his phone on silent overnight; it was silly, really, but he always had a tiny fear that maybe something would happen over in Romania while he was asleep, and maybe Anna would need to reach him, and there probably wouldn’t be anything he could actually do...but still.

Despite that, though, it still took a lot to wake him, so when his phone went off one night close to three in the morning, he nearly missed the call. “Hello?” he mumbled sleepily, putting it to his ear.

He heard a familiar little giggle. “It’s FaceTime, Kris. I’m sorry to wake you up, I just-- I really wanted you to see this.”

“Oh-- hang on.” He fumbled for his glasses on the nightstand, sliding them on and blinking blearily at the screen. “Um...where are you? I just see, like...the ceiling?”

“Oh-- that’s cause I gave my phone to Honey, just a second, and she’ll show you.”

The phone was lifted up suddenly by a pretty woman with bronze skin and dark hair thrown up into a bun. “Nice to meet you, Anna’s boyfriend.”

He wondered if she could see him blush even in the dark room. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“Okay, okay, I’m ready!” he heard Anna chirp from somewhere. “Turn the camera!”

Honey did with a laugh, and Kristoff sat upright, his eyes wide. Anna was in a deep blue ballgown that fit perfectly to her torso before flaring out into a long, shimmery skirt. Her hair was down, set in curls that shone especially bright against the dark color of the gown, and she was smiling so brightly he thought his heart was going to burst.

“You look beautiful, baby,” he said, half-convinced he was still dreaming.

She was quiet for a moment, and then he realized she was blushing bright red. He heard Honey giggle, and then the phone was being handed back over to Anna. “You’ve never called me that before.”

“What, beautiful? I definitely--”

“No, I--” Her blush deepened. “Kris, are you wearing a shirt?”

He glanced down. “Oh-- uh, no, I’m not. Sorry, I didn’t think you’d be able to see without the lights--”

A mischievous glint was twinkling in her eye. “Trust me, Bjorgman, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

Now he was blushing, too. “Um-- so you’ve got to be filming something special today, right?”

“Yeah, the big ballroom scene. I just...I really love this dress, and the way Honey did my hair and stuff, and I, um...I wanted you to see.”

He smiled softly. “I’m glad. You really do look so, so beautiful.”

She opened her mouth to say something else, but then he heard Honey call, “Hey, Anna, say bye to the boyfriend, they want you on set in five.”

Anna turned back to the camera, looking suddenly nervous. “Kris, are you my boyfriend?”

“Do you want me to be?”

“Yeah.”

He grinned, no longer sleepy. “Okay.”

Anna laughed. “Okay?”

“Hey, it’s still the middle of the night, and I’m still kind of speechless after seeing you in that dress. Cut me some slack.”

“Go back to bed. Sorry I woke you up.”

He yawned. “I’m not.”

---

day 40

“Look! All packed!” She grinned, turning her phone quickly around the room to show off her only slightly overstuffed suitcases. “And ready to come home!”

“Do you think you’ll miss it?”

“No, I mean...it’s beautiful and all here, but it’s still not home.”

Kristoff grinned at that. “You still want me to pick you up from the airport?”

“Um, is that even a question?”

He laughed. “Just making sure! I mean, six weeks is a long time, don’t know if you got tired of me.”

“Kristoff, the second I get back to LA, I’m like, jumping on you again and kissing the fuck out of you.”

He waggled his eyebrows. “And then?”

She could tease him, too. “And then you’d better hurry the hell up and take me back to your apartment so I can show you how much I missed you.”

“....Jesus Christ. Why does waiting two more days suddenly feel so much longer than the other forty?”

[infiniteseriesofhalfways]

Gonna use that mobile read more 'hack' to vent about creativity

Oh shit look at that, gave me a little dotted line and everything, I love it

Anyway, ive spent the last like... Several Years feeling so stuck creatively? Yeah I write here and there, and ive had moments where I get excited about a particular project, but it always seems to... Fizzle out? And far before I actually complete the thing I set out to make.

With writing, I have so many beginning lines to poems jotted down, and I have outlines of almost a dozen stories I want to tell, and have a bunch of bits and pieces to things and I just... Cant seem to finish them? Or get them out of my head and onto paper in some cases. I have a doc that has 30k of a book ive been trying to write for years. And I havent properly touched it since I dont know when.

With the kind of ~art~ I do (I.e. knit/crochet, which is kind of wearable art in my eyes? Like my approach to colors and all that is extremely similar to when I used to paint) I get halfway through or not even and I just get... Bored? I dozens of projects I never finished, and it fuckin bums me out. I feel like I wasted so much time in starting them.

I keep saying I'm going to cook and try new things and all that, and then I just... Don't. I think about it, try to plan shit in my head, and then I dont even start them.

And that's been my life for years. Starting shit and getting stuck and never finishing anything or having no enthusiasm to work on them.

But this last week or so its like... I'm excited about shit and for the first time it doesn't feel like it's fading? Or at least it hasnt yet. I'm working on a knit shawl as a present for someone, I'm writing my own knit pattern to hopefully sell, I'm actually working on that book again in a more concise way, I'm (sort of) editing videos literally just for my sister but it feels like this fun creative thing to me, im baking

And it's like... I actually have projects im excited to work on. So much so that im thinking about/planning projects while working on other projects, and I'm like... Which one do I want to work on the most right now?? I feel like im being pulled in a bunch of different directions but in a good way for once.

It's sort of... Frustratingly overwhelming I guess? Because I wish I could do them all at once, but no, I have to choose. And then I get mad at myself for being frustrated that im finally being creative and having fun.

And I'm also terrified its going to disappear again. I feel like I should be making the most of this time and I'm scared that I'm not. I guess maybe that's why I'm trying to prioritize certain projects? If I can focus on one thing I could actually get it done. Because that way I'll have something to show for it.

I dont know. I just feel weird about it all. It's such an odd thing for me to be genuinely and whole heartedly excited about making stuff again. I dont know how to deal with it.

I don't even have a conclusion for this or a point, really, I'm just venting and rambling. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, to be able to really make stuff again. But I'm terrified I'm going to lose it again, and I'm scared I won't have utilized the time I had, and I just... Fuck man, I don't know.

Creativity is fuckin weird.

[sasukebarmitzvah]

teleplay: boruto episode 102? whatever number is next idgaf

(SCENE: midday, indoor. we are in the hokages office. UZUMAKI NARUTO, the seventh hokage, sits at his desk, his hairline receding, his fingers interlocked beneath his chin. his lips are pursed, as if he is thinking hard about something. by his side stands NARA SHIKAMARU, carrying himself as if he were dick cheney. SHIKAMARU strokes his goatee thoughtfully. he turns to speak to NARUTO.)

SHIKAMARU: lord hokage. What are your thoughts

NARUTO: my what

SHIKAMARU: so i have to do fucking everything in this relationship it's always give give give for me never take

NARUTO: no my thoughts on what

SHIKAMARU: oh thank god theres still something there under that ugly bald scalp of yours. your thoughts on who to send out on the very important a rank mission weve just been assigned

NARUTO: have you SEEN your hairline? stones from glass houses, shikamaru. stones from glass houses

SHIKAMARU: answer me

NARUTO: i dont know just send whoever you think is best

SHIKAMARU: (quietly seething)

(beat)

NARUTO: ...aaaaand SCENE!

SHIKAMARU (staring at naruto): what

NARUTO: scene. like the scene ended. like i was acting and i just ended the scene.

(NARUTO takes off hokage hat and throws it across the room. it knocks over a lamp.)

SHIKAMARU: excuse me?

NARUTO: i was acting?

(He rips off his hair, which has been a wig the whole time. he peels the bald cap off his head, revealing under it his hair, which reaches all the way down to his ass.)

NARUTO: here. catch.

(He throws his wig at SHIKAMARU, who is taken off guard. the wig hits him limply in the face and thumps on the floor.)

SHIKAMARU: naruto what is going on

NARUTO (making shooing motion with his hand): shikamaru fetch me my divorce papers

(He takes out his ninja phone and makes a call. He puts the call on speaker, totally ignoring the fact that SHIKAMARU is still in the room.)

NARUTO (into the phone): SASUKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! how is my sweetie pumpkin sugar angel honey pie cream puff doing

SASUKE (voice tinny, over the phone): NARUTOOOO oh im great babe sweetie pie poo poo kitten cutie usuratonkachi. have you been using the hair conditioner i sent you?

NARUTO (tossing his hair): of course babe it is soft as silk, as is your beautiful face

SASUKE: mwah!

SHIKAMARU (abject horror): im going to throw up. Im literally going to throw up all over this office. Like right now. I am going to vomit all over you and everything you love. Ninja jesus christ.

NARUTO (ignoring him): yeah so be waiting by the gates in a few minutes, i'm almost done. can't wait to see you babe mwah

(He hangs up.)

NARUTO: my divorce papers, shikamaru?

(SHIKAMARU flips through a stack of papers on the desk. He pulls out a file labeled "NARUTOS SECRET DIVORCE PAPERS SHH NOBODY CAN KNOW" and hands it to naruto.)

SHIKAMARU: might i ask... what is going on

NARUTO: silly shikamaru tisk tisk you know its always been my dream to be an Actore

(He signs a few places on the papers with a flourish and pushes the file into SHIKAMARU'S chest.)

SHIKAMARU (fumbling): i actually havent but go on

NARUTO: well i just ended my greatest performance yet.

SHIKAMARU: performance?

NARUTO: fifteen years in the making, shikamaru.

(NARUTO climbs onto the desk for emphasis. He tries to stand up and hits his head on the ceiling.)

SHIKAMARU: and that would be?

NARUTO (turns to window): Heterosexuality.

SHIKAMARU: excuse me?

NARUTO: hinata the marriage the balding the everything it was all a sham it was all a SHAM. and now ive ended it and i am free of my shackles once and for all

SHIKAMARU: youre leaving? how can you do this to your family? hinata? your kids? what will the village do? whos gonna be hokage?

NARUTO: who gives a shit you basically do my job for me already. also hinata and sakura have been hooking up for years now so you can just leave those divorce papers on the kitchen counter for her so she can take care of them asap

SHIKAMARU: so... sasuke? All this time?

NARUTO: who else dumbass. ok shut up i have to go it's not very nice of me to keep him waiting this long

SHIKAMARU: well im not going to try to stop you because frankly im not sure if any of this is real or if i care. so. where are you going

NARUTO: sasuke and i are going to go club orochimaru to death with his own arms do you wanna come we could always use the extra manpower

(NARUTO steps off the desk and onto the ledge of the window.)

SHIKAMARU: you know what i think ill pass but have fun bro

NARUTO: ok cool you do you. oh by the way your wife is a lesbian!!

(He jumps out the window.)

(Scene)

[kosmicdream]

hey!!! i just read to the most recent update of ffak (my favorite webcomic ive ever read tbh) and i kinda wanna try making my own. did you have the whole story planned out before you started or is it an ongoing thing? also how did you make the website for it? thank you for making such a cool comic!

Thank you so much!! And let me try to figure out a way to answer this properly. My process is a bit complicated to explain because it is very organic. Its almost like I am never done writing it, because I am always letting it grow/stretch and explore as I think about ffak every day, and every night before sleeping I’ll try to brainstorm things I havent thought of. So spending that much mental energy on something, you never really get ‘done’ with writing a story. Even when i eventually finish ffak, im sure i will be still working on it (or things I would have wanted to do.)

However!! Before i started working on ffak, when it was just called HELP! i established many things narratively that I stuck to and have not changed about the story. So I think the process of this comic, in a simple way, could have been broken down like this in.. stages?

1) I laid down the basic framework of the world, such as the functions of king worms specifically, the aiguille family, helpers, several characters (some havent even appeared in the comic yet!), king leadman, as well as antony/rome’s narrative arc/dynamic. that way their character arc was already figured out before the comic started and I knew it would be the central ‘root’ of the story. I knew how i wanted Rome to be introduced, and how he would meet canary, not knowing the connection between canary and his brother. I had a rough idea, even from here, how their character arc would come to a point (and basically what sorts of things the story would likely eventually close on) I also knew the general setting was on moons and how the humans got there, and how advanced society was, and what the red lights “really" were and what they meant..i figured out what ‘vein’ was here.. ect.. many worldbuilding things!!!It might sound intimidating, but this process happened very quickly. I basically figured this out in the.. day? before i started working. I have had a lot of experience with roleplaying so i think that helps with me making quick decisions. I knew i had enough to work with that I didn’t feel intimidated to start actually drawing it out-- especially because i had the rome/antony thing already set down. 2) Then when I actually started to work, things started to develop very quickly. I knew basically all i needed to for Hekatons before i got to introduce knife (their origins, history, involvement in present day politics) and before ch6 i also wrote all of the “supporting cast” (at the time) which included dylan, fork/spoon/knife, paper/scissor/rock. So i ws able to write Thumb and Heel, and set up the overall dynamic of what the world was like in the present day. (also Spoon/Scissor’s connection.) Cash was actually written in the first batch of characters oops, but her design really became more detailed during this stage because of scissor. 3) then things got more complicated as i dug deeper into the past, and wanted to include crimson. So!! I fleshed out the origin and true history of this world. basically as soon as crimson appeared I had everything in place and felt comfortable enough to include crimson, who borrowed many things narratively from a character i roleplayed for years. Anyway, i figured out all of the deep past of the world and decided to draw it out since it was so interesting in ch 9/10. I think this was around in the 2nd chapter when i figured this out, but my memory is fuzzy. I know by the time i did the flash forward scene in ch2 i had decided many things and so all i had to do was get to them in the comic to cement it in. 4) I forget when exactly (maybe around in chapter 5 or 6) , but i decided to bring in a very old story i wrote in 2009 for good leadman’s origin story-- as i thought it would be cool to make good leadman the protagonist for this old comic i wanted to do, and that helped make the background for heel and thumb more “believable” to me because they were already symbolizing this old story i had written the entire thing of. Oh that’s something else to mention, because that world was part of a collection of stories- i was able to develop DMTIA that way because i already had this cast and just decided to merge the stories into the FFAK setting. I think when i did this, it pretty much was the final big thing to make me understand everything i needed to know about this world. All the story arcs felt pretty realized and I could see how the ending could go at this point.

I guess to summarize, is that i let things grow but also had things planned from the start and once i commit to an idea, it doesnt change. Even if it might appear somewhat frustrating to work with, i like to use them to make my next decision. sometimes that means i dont get to do all i want to do, but i still have a lot of flexibility in this setting like i wanted to have from the beginning.

Even now when i feel like pretty confident that I’ve explored every nook and cranny, I’ll decide to revisit a older storyline or facet of the world and strengthen or build on that. That’s why i ended up with so many fucking side characters because I’ll brainstorm for them for a day or two and suddenly have a lot of material i know wont even “technically” go into the story even though its there. (like, Spot for example was not meant to be so interesting, but i wrote a huge fucking story for him that obviously wont get really any attention.)

So.. its ongoing and it is also not ongoing and hasnt been for quite a long time now? (after two years of constant work it felt.. really complete and done in a lot of ways. we are now currently on year three, moving to year four!) I think the best thing to do is to keep in mind what kinds of methods for writing make you feel comfortable and is your natural brain-pace. I like working with an aspect of fluidity and room for growth and flexibility because i don’t like being boxed in or “outgrowing” my project too fast. So keeping that in mind, i designed ffak to be a comic where it could grow with me and change. that’s pretty much why i decided worms would be a great subject and theme to work with because they are characters that naturally, evolve and change based on what they eat and absorb. plus the themes in ffak just are so fun to work with i will never be bored of it. structuring a project with these things in mind for when i run into walls or feel unmotivated have kept me engaged. I think that is part of why i cannot let it go because I still feel really excited to write and contribute ideas to it.

However, Chapter 12 really feels like I’m settling back down to my original plans and taking my time and patience to communicating all the structured planning ive put into it. I’m not letting it grow the same way anymore because it doesnt need to. I feel comfortable with understanding its voice/style and pacing and im no longer recovering from the uhh.. shock of it existing? I promise that once you actually start making a comic, its a wholly different experience than just it being in your head. and it will sound, look, and feel different than what you thought it would be-- that in itself has influenced a lot of change in ffak because honestly at first i was not expecting to draw it so explicit. that was difficult to get used to but im happy to have embraced that aspect of my work.

So HMM.. I made a strong spine or foundational backbone in the beginning before i started, then fleshed it out as i was in the process of making it, and i always continue to leave room for it to grow. just not grow in EVERY aspect anymore. i also dont chop down branches, but i try to hone in on specific things to make them more clear. i think chopping stuff down and removing things is generally not the best to do because its easier to build up and work with what you have than make big retcons after youve already started or established. also the challenge of working with limitations makes you feel that needed bit of pressure to really commit to your work in the moment of making it and i feel like its helped make me more serious and confident about what i write about. I never feel lost on what to do because if I cover and figure out something, that’s how it is. I make it work regardless! 

everything is done with careful consciousness to the overall balance and product of the story, while also not suffocating it in a box of limitations of what it could be. i treat it like a living thing in my mind and heart and that means i work to have thoughtful conversations with it and myself about what its needs are, what my needs are, what i want to do with it and what it wants to be.. ect. its almost a spiritual thing really. i feel like its important to always reflect and engage with your art and art process to feel a stronger connection and purpose behind what you are deciding to do and what it means to you. i am probably repeating myself a little here but!!!!!! its worth saying!!!!!!!!! 

I also really think it adds to the interesting and fun “layers” to the story, as there has been different stages to its development and it brings in different feelings with each layer. But then the older or more ‘’foundational’’ ones pop in and they seem to give off a different atmosphere (antony and rome) vrs some of the newer additions (like jacket) who are more for shallow, fun decoration or an interesting potential to explore in the future. Like, Jacket is not a character that has a lot of foundational plot connected to him, but he’s an interesting development in terms of the potential of a worm and symbolizes that early-ffak-mindset of growth and experimentation. so i think it makes him a really unique and fun character because he embodies a lot of new and old aspects of ffak’s narrative and my journey with working on the comic.

I could go on and on, but I hope this sort of gives some insight to my process and how I write/work. because in a lot of ways, it isn’t linear. just like how my comic is! sometimes this makes ffak very disorienting for people to read, but if you keep in mind that ffak is very organic and personally tailored to my mannerisms  and with that in mind, it makes a lot more sense why it is how it is and the patterns in it become much more apparent. Anyway! thank you for reading and good luck working on your own stories! it can be challenging but i think it is absolutely worth the effort. 

Also i did not make the website, my good friend Tegan did. :3 i do not know anything about websites.

[saskiavalentineapologist]

Can you tell me more about Jubilee and DeLune? Jubilee is your character, right? They both sound like great characters!

ANON YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE

hooo ok. ok so. ok so listen. listen.

we gotta get something out of the way realquick: whenever i talk about DeLune and Jubilee–or really just DeLune–i getso incoherent and flail-y i just. i love DeLune so much, she’s been in mythoughts every day for the past month+ no lie

ok so. @fatalcookies​ createdDeLune as an npc for a campaign she’s going to run, in which I’m going to be aplayer, playing as Jubilee Waters, the gayest tiefling you’ll ever meet (as ofyet, there has not been a single game. I’m obsessing over a character i haventplayed as and her girlfriend. i know. I’m ridiculous)

..let’s introduce Jubilee, then DeLune, theni’ll talk a little about their relationship and maaaaybe go into the au’s I’vecooked up for them. that sounds good, yeah let’s do that

Jubilee Waters. she’s from a small mountaincommunity where tieflings are more accepted than in other places. This mountaincommunity is also known for its arts

Jubilee was abandoned on the church ofPelor’s doorstep at birth, and was taken in by one of the people whoworked in the church, a laborer/cook/whatever they needed her to be named MariaWaters.

Jubilee grew up healthy and strong, and wasquick to pick up the ways of both a cleric and an artist; shaping her own hornsinto works of art and also taking up painting as a hobby, all while training tobe a holy warrior who fought in the name of Pelor, god of the sun. She excelledat the healing arts, and it was only because of her desire to help peopleoutweighing her need for glory that she went down the cleric path instead ofthe paladin path. (that and i reallllly wanted to play a cleric, because ihavent yet)

except her mom didn’t want her to go out andadventure, because it was too dangerous. That was a point of contention for along time between them. Jubilee wanted to go out and help people, and hermother wanted her home and safe.

Eventually, Jubilee’s mother passed. Jubileestayed, mourned, and before too long had passed, she was out on the road,heading to destinations unknown in a quest with a single goal: help peoplewherever help is needed. 

Eventually, she meets the group she’ll betraveling with in-game, and she goes on her merry way, eventually meetingDeLune

(I’ve been informed that DeLune probably won’tshow up until about halfway through the campaign, which on one hand makes me :(but on the other hand has built up the Hype of meeting her so much that i thinkwhen Jennie says “and in walks a half elven businesswoman” or somethingalong those lines I’m literally going to burst into tears of joy)

DeLune Candor…im trying to decide how much ican talk about.

you know what? i don’t think any of the otherplayers follow me, so the chances of them seeing this post are slim to none.I’m going in guns a’ blazin’

Her full name, I’ve found out, is Claire DeLuneCandor (which “Claire DeLune” means moonlight so they’ve already got thisgreat sun and moon dynamic going on which makes me Weak)

DeLune Candor is a ~55 year old (or theequivalent in half-elven terms) inventor turned businesswoman who is currentlythe head of a large family business that specializes in trading. The businessis booming, and it’s exclusively due to DeLune being at the head of thebusiness. She tries her best to run an ethical business, she’s a pointy-earedcapitalist, and i love her with my whole heart oh my god

She’s a workaholic, she is Fancy to the extremeand has quite the refined taste. She doesn’t like mincing words, she’svery direct and to the point, and she’s…i was going to say she’s perfectbut she’s not, she has flaws, but she’s so My Type that it hurts me and as suchi tend to gloss over her flaws.  I love her with my entire heart, flawsand all tho?? I say i would die for a lot of characters but i would live forDeLune.

OH HOW COULD I FORGET!!!!the song that inspired this character is this song and the woman singing? Shirley Bassey?? is the voice andface claim for DeLune so you Know I’m all about this song, i’ve probablylistened to it a hundred times. i love that song

DeLune…..DeLune actually has a daughter namedCeleste who is around Jubilee’s age which makes things sorta awkward sometimesbut shh shh its perfectly fine shh it can be funny sometimes, ill get into that in a minute

she’s a huge lover of the arts and thesciences, having been an inventor at one point. the love of the arts manifestsitself in her giving patronage to many different artists and commissioningworks and stuff like that Its Good

hrrmm what else is there about DeLune that ican rant about. god i just. ok i just love her. i love her so much?? and shehurts me sometimes for reasons I’m not sure i can disclose at this point. to besafe I’m not going to go too much into it but…she gave up a lot for thefamily business. and i just want her to be happy and relaxed and without toomuch stress

Their relationship…hoogh

ok so they meet, right. and DeLune isimmediately interested in Jubilee’s horns, because they’re works of art andshe’s intrigued with how they came to be. And when Jubilee tells her that she’sbeen working on her horns since she was ten, and that they still require upkeepand management….DeLune has this “holy shit” moment. bc?? here let mefind a direct quote:

“–these are the work of a literallifetime and peoples’ /lives/ are the work of a lifetime and they can’tmaintain as much focus as this 90% of the time.”

so yes, DeLune takes notice in Jubilee becauseof her horns. And Jubilee like. she saw DeLune and she just got this momentof “holy moly I’m so gay” so like?? They both were somewhat interestedfrom the start, and it just evolved from there.

i imagine Jubilee tried to beat around the bushand be subtle about trying to get DeLune to date her but DeLune saw rightthrough it and was just like “…do you want to date me? is that whatyou’re getting at?” and jubilee was like “yes. yes yes yes please godyes"

and so?? they date??

and things go well!! they click reallynaturally and they enjoy each other’s company. They go to a variety offancy places and Jubilee is terrified each time because she doesn’t want to sayor do the wrong thing and end up embarrassing DeLune, but DeLune teaches herthe basics of fancy etiquette and that puts her at ease

…jennie and i have had a conversation abouthow DeLune just completely roasts someone who dared to make a comment aboutJubilee being a tiefling and honestly i saved that whole conversation and iread it when i get sad bc DeLune utterly destroying someone is just So Good

They have their arguments and theirdisagreements because Something (I don’t know what it is) happens around thesame time they meet each other that puts DeLune on edge and so there’sdefinitely conflict regarding this thing. I don’t know what it is but I know inmy soul that its going to hurt me whenever i find out

Hrmmm what else is there. I mean. they fuck. alot. like a lot a lot. god i love them. i just. god i love them.

and this is a thing that makes Celeste and Jubilee’s relationship kind of tense like?? Celeste doesn’t blame Jubilee for getting involved with DeLune, but she DOES blame DeLune for getting involved with Jubilee. and so

ok we’ve had this scene thought out where Celeste comes into the kitchen one morning to see Jubilee dressed in just a silk robe, hair a mess and out of it’s usual braid, leaning against the counter and drinking coffee. and they make eye contact and then that’s how Celeste gets confirmation that yes, her friend is banging her mom and I’m just over here like god fucking bless. 

honestly I’ve saved that conversation too and it makes me giggle because Jubilee just. she sees celeste and she’s like “hi!! good morning!! do you want some coffee??” and celeste is just. no nonsense like. “Jubilee. were you sleeping with someone tonight?” and jubilee makes this face and it cracks me up every time. 

and jubilee just makes the smallest “yeah” ever and celeste just. “and it was my mother, wasn’t it.” not even a question. she knows. but jubilee answers anyway, with another tiny “…yeah.” and then she just “please don’t be cross with her”

and then celeste breaks out the whiskey despite it being like. you know. breakfast. and god i love this family theyre so dysfunctional but god i love them

what else is there. they may or may not go to a small house in the countryside after everything is said and done, somewhere DeLune can make things and somewhere Jubilee can have a quiet life again. just the two of them, after DeLune gives up the reigns on the family business and god i love them. if there’s anything about them that has almost made me cry it’s this idea of them living a quiet life together, somewhere with a small workshop for DeLune and space for Jubilee and her god.

like. jennie killed me with this line:

a small little workshop, pen and paper, and a lover in her bed

…beautiful things they made together

artisan rugs are left back at a different home that she visits,sometimes, when she needs to–and besides it’s not half so beautiful as thesmile on Jubilee’s face when DeLune hand-feeds her a grape and catches atrickle of juice from the corner of her mouth with her thumb

AND OH!!!! THE PAINTING!!!!

ok so you know how jubilee paints?? she did a portrait of DeLune that she purposely left unfinished to represent that all things are a work in progress and GOD can you tell how much i love them yet they’re so good

but god, all i want is for them to be happy together. that’s all i want. i love them so much it hurts me

ok let’s get into those AUs

ok so. the aus. i made a list here of those aus but on one of them we’ve gotten real deep man

ok so. we havent gotten too deep into vampire/vampire hunter au but?? there’s some choice symbolism

i initially thought of DeLune as the vampire and Jubilee as theperson sent to kill her but they fall in love and run away together. the symbolism would be pretty choice here, DeLune representing the night (as her name means moonlight) and Jubilee with her divine connection to the sun, right

but I’vethought about it some more and the other way is also pretty choice like.

Jubilee as a prominent religious figure who had a fall from grace when shewas turned into a vampire. she fled, disgraced and outcast by the religion she had known for her whole life. and DeLune is theperson sent to hunt her down because in this au she’s probably like a goodwizard or something who knows. and so she finds this vampire and DeLune isgoing to bring her back alive, but they fall in love and run away together. but the SYMBOLISM

….Jubilee’s still a cleric of pelor, right. but now the sun burnsher and she can’t find solace in her god. but you know what light doesn’t hurt vampires?

MOONLIGHT

DeLune, symbolically the moon, giving her light and hope in a way thatdoesn’t hurt her. god i love the symbolism with these two its Good

and. then. the au we got deep in right.

crime boss au

an au where Jubilee is the new cop investigating this mob family, and falls in love with DeLune in the process.

one problem.

DeLune, unbeknownst to Jubilee, is the mob boss. she’s the leader of this crime family. she’s the head of the syndicate, and she knows that Jubilee is investigating her.

She, to her credit, tries to dissuade jubilee, tries to turn her away from her path because she knows that whatever happens, the outcome will hurt her. but Jubilee is bound and determined to make a difference, and she doesn’t heed DeLune’s advice

and Celeste shows up?? and she wants to tear this business apart to get her mom out, and her and jubilee team up because even tho jubilee doesn’t know that DeLune is the head of the mob or that Celeste is DeLune’s daughter, they have similar goals

and how does celeste find her, you ask? well. Jubilee lives in kind of a rough neighborhood, and has had her fair share of shitty things thrown at her, right. after Jubilee and DeLune started dating, all that stops.

so celeste tracks where things aren’t happening to determine where her mother has influence, and finds out that this cop is a link.

and then one day they’re working on something and Jubilee just like. stands up and starts getting ready and she’s apologizing and saying she’s late, and Celeste is like “?? late to what??” and Jubilee replies “I have a date with my girlfriend DeLune”

…and that’s how Celeste finds out just how Jubilee is linked to her mother. and god its so good bc she’s just. shocked. like. no. no this. what. 

and so eventually, in this au, Jubilee goes into somewhere undercover to try and find out more about the mob, and gets caught. she’s cornered, on the ground, surrounded by people with guns, and then there’s the clicking of heels on linoleum and there’s DeLune. and all these people who were being threatening just stop

and DeLune kind of helps her up, dusts her off, and leads her out, all in silence, with only a biting retort to one of the henchmen who protests about Jubilee knowing too much. 

and then. hoo this kills me. when theyre out of there and in the car, DeLune just says kind of quietly “Idid ask you not to dig too deep, darling.”

hooo boy that hurts me

so then DeLune takes jubilee back to her house and celeste is there so there’s a mother daughter reunion, and they go inside and jubilee almost just completely fucking loses it and she’s like “you know? if you were just a part of the syndicate i think i could’vedealt with that. but the boss?!” and then she gets real quiet for a moment and just. “how much of it was real? how much of it was you trying toget another cop in your pocket?“

and so celeste just nopes out of there and DeLune and jubilee have a long conversation where Jubilee is passive aggressive and petty to the extreme. 

like DeLune basically tells her it’s easier to deal with when Jubilee’s angry in response to Jubilee losing some of her anger and getting kind of soft over the course of the conversation. so Jubilee’s like. “she wants me to be angry? fine. i can do that”

so she kicks her out of her house

and then soon after that she goes and she takes all of her things out of DeLune’s house. and DeLune has this heartbreaking line of “If you wish very much to be so utterly removedfrom me, only say the word. I will make certain you never see me again.”

and jubilee doesn’t respond. she just leaves. because she knows in her heart she wants to mend things, but at the moment she needs to process everything that’s happening. she isn’t processing it well bc she doesn’t deal with negative emotions well but she’s trying bless her

and so Celeste and DeLune and Jubilee tear down this mafia right, and then. god i love them. so DeLune and Jubilee agree to give it another shot after another long conversation, and that they’ll meet for lunch sometime and see where it goes

and. like in canon DeLune and Celeste’s relationship is strained at best, and so this au reflects that. but in this au i get confirmation that they definitely 100% make up and that gives me Life

so yes, that’s DeLune and Jubilee. god i love them. thank you so much for asking about them, you have no idea how hard i was laughing when i got this message bc i was like “I ACTUALLY TRICKED SOMEONE INTO CARING ABOUT THESE TWO OH MY GOD” and honestly? writing this up was a delight, thank you again for asking this anon!!!

[thoroughly-perturbed]

Warning:Long Ass Diary Post Ahead.

OK so I’ve been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was like 13, Dr. Z. He’s basically been managing my meds since I’ve been on them, so almost like 10 years. I’ve wanted to break off our relationship for a while now b/c a) he’s made my relationship with my foster mom very toxic (which I certainly didnt help, but he was an adult so he shouldnt have been contributing), b) I’m fucking 22 years old I need to see someone who’s not the psychiatric equivalent of a pediatrician, and c) he’s back in my home state so he cant bill my insurance and cant prescribe me meds up here.

So we had a phone session last weekend, and he asked me if I still had Medicaid back in my home state, where he is. I said no I don’t, it expired a few months ago probably b/c I’m 22 and legally no longer a ward of state (through which I received the Medicaid). He’s ALWAYS been billing Medicaid and it’s never been an issue- my foster mom has never had to be involved in it. But now that I don’t have Medicaid, he needs another insurance to bill. So I stupidly told him that I was covered under my foster mom’s insurance (which is private so not quite as great for mental health as Medicaid, believe it or not), and he said he would contact her about it.

This is where I should have stopped him. My foster mom wants nothing to do with this man (for good reasons) and wants to stay out of the situation I have with him entirely. She doesn’t want to be involved. So I SHOULD have stopped him and told him to wait until I talked to her about what alternative we should use to pay for his “services” until I could secure someone to manage my meds in my area. But I didn’t. I stupidly assumed that because her insurance is temporarily covering my meds, I could do the same thing for my psychiatrist.

Fast forward to yesterday (Friday). Foster mom receives a letter and a shit ton of insurance paperwork from dear Dr. Z. From her phone call yesterday morning, it sounded like he’s trying to back-date authorizations for insurance to whenever I started being covered under my foster mom’s insurance, so he can charge her insurance (instead of Medicaid) and get more money out of it. See, my stupid, naive understanding was that he would just bill whatever sessions he has not been able to bill to Medicaid, which shouldnt be that many (I only started experiencing issues with Medicaid a few months ago). So now my foster mom may end up being charged a shit ton of money, which isnt fair bc she didnt want to be involved in the first place, and this could’ve all been avoided if I just figured this out with her first. We may have come to the same conclusion, but at least she wouldn’t have been blind-sided by this fucking letter (also, a fucking LETTER? What the actual fuck? Just call her and ask if you can send her the insurance papers, like????????????????)

This was all my fault, and I’m prepared to take full ownership and pay whatever I need to pay to help relieve my foster mom whenever this gets ironed out (usually when she’s upset with me I give her some time before I call her again, in the hopes that she’ll actually be able to hear me after some time and space). But it did show that Im not sharing the right info with her at the right time, and Im volunteering too much information to the wrong people.

BUT THIS IS THE KICKER, and this shit was NOT my fault. This schmuck had the NERVE to tell my foster mom in this fucking overly-dramatic letter (knowing him it probably was) that told her I was thinking of moving back to my home state, and oh why cant she move back, she really SHOULD move back, etc. etc. I don’t know the full details of what he wrote, but all I know is he told my foster mother information that I had not yet shared with her, because I have no fucking clue where im moving if Im moving at all. Moving back ‘home’ is just one of many options that Im thinking about rn, but its the only one he and I discussed on the phone. BUT I DIDNT WANT HER TO KNOW THAT. It’s just not information that I’ve shared with her yet because I didnt think it was necessary. But of course this fuck HAD to create drama and try to ‘advocate’ on my behalf for me to move back there. I

At no point did I give him permission to share this information with her, and so technically he breached confidentiality. This isnt the first time he’s been unprofessional af, which is one of many reasons I want to dump him ASAP.

So I’ve fucked things up with my foster mom AGAIN less than a week after we had a really nice convo, so great that I became manically happy about it (that happens when something rarely goes VERY well in my life). I screwed things up on two levels:

1) By not telling Dr. fucking Z to hold off on contacting her until I talked to her about the insurance situation. This dragged her into a situation that she has explicitly asked not to be a part of, which she now has EVERY right not to be, and has created a mess of insurance headaches from a doctor who tells me not to date the Medicaid papers I sign so he can put whatever service date will help him get paid (this is technically illegal but doctors do it ALL the time)

2) By telling schmuck-face about my desire to move back to my home state, and not her. Her knowledge of this could’ve been entirely avoided had I not done #1, but now that she knows I KNOW it’s gonna come up in conversation like “why are you telling him this and not me? You sounded so happy last time we spoke...” and so on. So it’s another situation where I’ve shared information with someone else that I havent shared with her, and she finds out about it through some roundabout way (bc nobody I talk to can keep their trap shut, apparently) which has historically been a sore point in our relationship.

I can’t believe anyone will read this whole damn thing but if you did, thank I guess. I just needed to process somehow bc I dont have therapy again until next week and Im not calling schmuck-face back until I’ve worked it out with my foster mom what Im gonna say. And this is too complex for me not to process in someway.

[depressionconsumes]

answer all of the questions (:

1. Are you good at apologizing?: well.. I think I am. If I know I’m in the wrong I’ll be the first to say I am sorry.

2. Do you prefer your looks or personality?: uhh.. I struggle with liking either to be honest.

3. Are you confident?: sometimes I can be.

4. What are you most confident about yourself?: I’m confident about my eyes I guess ^^

5. Name a few songs that remind you of someone, and who they remind you of: I like it like that by cardi b, the other popular song by cardi b, country roads… they all remind me of my best friend!

6. What is your favorite color combination?: oh this is easy. My three fav colors ofc, blue green and purple xD

7. Define your “aesthetic”: do faeries, elves, mermaids and aliens count as an aesthetic?

8. What is sex to you?: to me it’s something I will only have again if I completely love and trust a person. I wont give that part of myself away to someone I dont love.

9. Do you have any kinks? What are they?: shittt this is a loaded question Haha.. uhh. Well. I’m into BDSM to a degree, I’m a switch but I’m usually more submissive. I could go more into what I’m into with BDSM but I dont want too LOL. most my kinks relate too it as well.

10. What are your biggest pet peeves?: I have so many. Lying, rude customers at work, people making my bestfriend sad, people who have kids but dont care about them enough. The list is long my dudes.

11. What’s something that automatically turns you off of other people?: hmm.. uhh.. getting caught in a lie and trying to make me feel bad about catching the lie they told? That’s something I guess LOL

12. What song always makes you sad and emotional?: right now, what if and we belong make me sad. Theres alot of songs that get me emotional tbh.

13. How many people have you dated? How many of them do you still have feelings for?: 3 serious relationships. I’ve dated 7 total people though. I’m not answering the second part but I will say if you truly love someone you will always have a place in your heart for them.

14. How are you with moving on?: I’m okay with it. At first it’s hard for me. But give it a little bit and I get back up and keep trekking on. You have to be willing to move on to actually do so.

15. What’s a philosophy you agree with but fail to live by?: uhh.. anarchism maybe.

16. What’s something you dont like about yourself?: I don’t like much about myself but I guess I’ll go with the biggest one and say my body.

17. What’s something positive happening in your life right now?Well I think I finally found the path in life that I’m supposed to be on with work if that makes sense. I finally have a job I love to go too.

18. Are you truly able to admit your faults in relationships to yourself?I think I am. I dont always know what my faults are but if they’ve been pointed out and if I see them myself I’m the first one to admit I was at fault. So long as I actually was.

19. Is it important to be a good person?:It depends. I think for the most part yes. But what is a good person actually?

20. Are you a good person? I can be I think. But I also can be a shitty person. I think everyone’s capable of both.

21. How could you become a better personMaybe being less bitter hahahahaha

22. Would/have you ever pierced your genitalia?No. Probably not.

23. Have you ever been in love? If so with how many people?Once. I’ve experienced actually loving someone once in my life. Its powerful and it never goes away.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight? I mean.. yes. I believe in soulmates and such and sometimes when you meet a soul mate or someone supposed to be in your life for whatever reason, I believe love at first site can happen.

25. Which social science interests you most? Psychology, sociology or anthropology? Why? Its definitely a close tie between psychology and anthropology. I love learning how our brains work but I also absolutely love learning about culture so it’s hard to chose just one.

26. Have you ever orgasmed?No. No I havent actually. I try believe me.

27. Have you ever made someone else orgasm?Yes. Yes I have.

28. During sexual interaction what is most important too you?Feeling wanted and feeling safe.

29. Are you comfortable being sexual with lots of people?Not really. I’ve had sex twice with one person in my life and that person took advantage of my both times and then did a shitty thing too me. So sex is a hard subject for me.

30. I dont feel like answering this one sorry guys.

31. What’s your favorite song to sing alot?Uhhhh.. COUNTRY ROADDDSS TAKE ME HOMEE TO THE PLACE. I BELONGGG

32. What’s some “embaressing” music you listen too?Weeb ass music LOL

33. What are you most snobby/pretentious about?UHHH… I dont know really

34. How do you Express sad emotions? And happy emotions?I bottle up sad emotions usually and replace them with laughing and being bitter or angry lol. Sometimes I cry too tho. Happy emotions I just get excited usually I guess.

35. Do you Skype? Facetime?Yepp yep I do. Have been doing that since I was like 13/14

36. How do you feel about phone calls?Eh.. if it’s with someone I love I like them. Otherwise i hate phone calls they make me anxious.

37. How do you feel about texting? I’m most comfortable texting because i usually Express myself better then when I’m word vomiting all over.

38. What are your thoughts on LDRs?They’re hard. And hard work. And they dont always last and survive but when they do it’s a beautiful thing. I’ve been in a few myself..

39. The answer is no I havent. Not yet anyway

40. When and why was the last time you cried?Not long ago. I’ve been crying alot lately. The reason why recently has been the same. Life is overwhelming and I feel an incredible emptiness.. emptiness isn’t even the right word but it’s close. So sometimes I just break down and cry about it. Sometimes I cry because I just dont want to keep fighting for a life in this shitty world but.. I have people in my life who keep me going.

41. What’s something that you love that you never do anymore? Why dont you do it?Draw on paper and write.. I lost my spark I guess. I havent done either of those things besides writing letters to my bestfriend in awhile.

42. Are you afraid to die?No not really. Only afraid of the people I love hurting if I died.

43. If there were no limits, who and what would you be?Id be a mystical as fuck elf okay. Like hell yeah. Or a fairy maybe. Like pls

44. Are you more likely to be a sub or dom during sex?I’m more sub.

45. Describe your fashion senseI wear what I want and what I’m comfortable in. Dresses r life.

46. Do you have stage fright?Yes.

47. Did you ever put your hand up in class?Yes.

48. Are you more of an open or closed person?Uh.. both really.

49. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? And the best?Losing my virginity was probably the worst. My bestfriend entering my life is probably the best.

50. Are you a theist? Uhh… well. I’m an agnostic theist if I’m being honest. Dont know what that is? Google is your friend.

51. What are your top three places you want to travel and why?Ireland(and the UK in general) because my roots lie there. Japan because I love Japanese culture and it’s beautiful there. Andd… France. So I have a reason to finish becoming fluent in French.

52. What’s something you thought would be really scary/bad, but when it actually happened it was fine?Rollercoasters. Was terrified now I’m obsessed.

53. When you sleep at a friends house, how often do you sleep in their bed?Uh.. I only have had one friend where I was actually comfortable enough to sleep in their bed, and it was in high school and it took multiple times of her saying I could for me to be like you know what.. okay why not. Platonically sleeping with someone isn’t bad. I was more afraid I’d roll over or something and push her out of her own bed then anything tbh

54. Can you sleep facing someone?I dont know. Never got the chance to experience that to know yet.

55. Do you ever get in slumps? If so how often/long do they happen?Absolutely. All the time. It depends really. They can last a day or a year or feel neverending.

56. Do you like being alone?Most of the time yes. But sometimes I crave being around people.

57. Are you social?I can be.

58. How do you feel about parties?Depends on the party. I like to party definitely but not all parties are fun.

59. Have you ever hosted a party? Howd it go?Yeah I have. It went well. Everyone had fun. Think we even had a line in the backyard for chacha slide lolol

60. What questions do you love to ask people?What’s your zodiac sign?

61. What questions do you live to be asked?I dont know.

62. Are you confrontational? Does it make you uncomfortable when others are?Not usually no. I hate confrontation. And it does make me uncomfortable yes. I have an issue where I’m almost always defensive and it’s because of living with narcissists and people who emotionally abused me my entire life and blamed me for things I didnt do. So I really struggle with the side effects of living that way tbh.

There yall gp. I did it. Bc ily guys

[chaoticravenpuff]

The meaning behind my url: 

As it stands, my url isn’t that hard to figure out.. it means I can handle most of the things life throws at me, but it leaves a slight emotional scar 

Last time i cried and why: 

The last time that I cried was a few days ago and it was because of the distance

Piercings i have: 

None. 

Favorite band: 

Mayday parade 

  Biggest turn offs: 

Being rude to the people I care about, not taking interest in a conversation.. being a total asshole. Being overly obnoxious.  Ignorance. 

  Top 5 must dos in life: 

Travel the world. Travel the world. Travel the world. Travel the world. Travel the world. 

  Tattoos I want: 

I want an anchor tattoo and a heartbeat tattoo with a pawprint on it. 

  Biggest turn ons: 

Neck kissing, lip biting, pinning against the wall.. lingering just before the kiss, respecting people.. having the same interests as me.   

Age: 

22. 

Ideas of a perfect date: 

Having a picnic on the beach.. although, it’d be hard cause sand would get everywhere but thats besides the point. Life goal:

Financial stability, or having enough to not have to worry about anything and be able to travel

Piercings I want: 

I used to want to get the side of my nose pierced but I don’t really want to anymore. 

  Relationship status: 

Taken by my beautiful girlfriend. 

  Favorite movie: 

Too many to choose. 

Phobia: 

I have a major fear of bees.

Middle name: 

Marie 

Height: 5'6" ? 

 Are you a virgin?

Unfortunately. 

What’s your shoe size?

10. 

What’s your sexual orientation?

Bisexual

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? I drink from time to time but thats it. 

Someone you miss:

My dad

What’s one thing you regret?

I have wayy too many regrets to just list one. 

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

Vanessa Ray.

Favorite ice cream? I really like birthday cake ice cream 

One insecurity:

Weight. 

What my last text message says: Why does it matter? 

Have you ever taken a picture naked? Nope. 

Have you ever painted your room? Nope 

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? Yes I have.

Have you ever slept naked? Yes I have 

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? Yeah 

Have you ever had a crush? Yeah I have 

Have you ever been dumped? My last three break ups have been by me but other than that yes, I've gotten dumped. 

Have you ever stole money from a friend? Nope 

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes 😂 that was a great night 

Have you ever been in a fist fight? Almost but no. 

Have you ever snuck out of your house? No. 

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? I used to. 

Have you ever been arrested? Nah 

Have you ever made out with a stranger? I wouldnt do that. 

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Indeed I have. 

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? Yes I have.

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? Nah. 

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? Guilty as charged. 

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes I have. 

Have you ever seen someone die? No and I hope I never have to. 

Have you ever been on a plane? More times than I can count on both hands. 

Have you ever kissed a picture? Why would anyone kiss a picture?

Have you ever slept in until 3? I couldnt do that if I tried. 

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now? I miss my friend. 

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? No but it sounds pretty cool. 

Have you ever made a snow angel? When I was little, yes. 

Have you ever played dress up? When I was little, yes. 

Have you ever cheated while playing a game? Only when I can't figure out what to do next. 

Have you ever been lonely? Oh yeah. All the time. 

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school? School was always the perfect place to nap 

Have you ever been to a club? Surprisingly, no. 

Have you ever felt an earthquake?

Yes and it was terrifying cause I didnt know what was happening at the time.  

Have you ever touched a snake? 

Indeed I have.

Have you ever ran a red light?

Guilty as fuck lol 

Have you ever been suspended from school? When I was in high school, I never got external suspension but I did get internal twice. Both times were for flipping out at the teacher but I gave one the finger.

Have you ever had detention? I practically lived in detention. 

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Not yet. Knock on wood. 

Have you ever hated the way you look?

I always hate the way I look. 

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

Nah I havent. 

Have you ever pole danced?

Nope. 

Have you ever been lost? Yes I have. 

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? I take road trips practically every year so I definitely have. 

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

Yeah I have. 

Have you ever sang karaoke?

Indeed. 

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

I’ve done that way too many times.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? I had just met my ex / best friend and we were on younow at the time and she made me laugh so hard that milk came out of my nose. 

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

Hell no. 

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Nope 

Have you ever sang in the shower? All the time haha 

Have you ever made out in a park? Nah. I usually don't make out in public. 

Have you ever dream that you married someone? Yes 

Have you ever glued your hand to something? No but I always used to have sticky hands from the glue sticks and the paper would stick to me. 

Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck to a flag pole? Never. Its too dirty. 

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked? No?? 

Have you ever been a cheerleader? Haha you're funny. 

Have you ever sat on a roof top? Nah. 

 Have you ever brushed your teeth? Why is this a question? I do everyday. 

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? * Depends on the movie. 

Have you ever played chicken? Oh my god yes. My friends and I played it all the time in the pool. 

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

* Yes I have. Not fun. 

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

No but I've been flirted with by a tour guide before. 

Have you ever broken a bone?

Nah.

Have you ever been easily amused? I'm always easily amused. 

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

Yes I have. 

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? I've flashed people before cx 

Have you ever cheated on a test?

Guilty as charged. 

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name? I have a horrible memory so I do that all the time. 

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real? Indeed. 

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

My eyes can change colour with my mood.

[xasherahx]

Confused

Im so confused right now. I dont know whats up and down on my feelings. I was at a job interview yesterday. I didnt expect to get the job seing how i knew i didnt met the requirements, and i know i did all i could and more. Yet today when they called and told me i didnt get the job i felt sad, but happy at the same time. No im sitting here at the middle of the night feeling pathetic and weak, yet strong and like i accomplished something. I literally feel like im going to throw up cause its causing a weird ache in my chest. I feel like i should just give up on everything, yet im desperately looking for something to cling onto to not do that. 

Ive started talking to this guy over a page on the internet. We have already decided to just be friends and wait and se what happens after we actually met. And im fine with that. I dont wanna rush into anything when im as fragile as i am right now. Yet im sure im falling for him at times. Like I wanna talk to him all the time. I stalk his instagram and facebook and other pages to se what hes up to. And when i se that he have liked a picture of other girls, my chest hurt. But then the next time i dont feel anything at all? Like sure we have talked about sex and such and im basically his slave, but that doesn't mean i have anything to say. One of the first things he said when we started talking about it is that im free to do whomever i please when im not around him. And of course the same goes for him. Even tho im as mono as a human person can be. Yet he makes it seem like he just want to be with me even tho his sex-drive is out the roof? 

The best thing with this guy is that he respects me and seem to be honest about things. If i answer something stupid he still answer the questions (most of the time). He cares alot about my mental health. Alot more then ive ever done. Or anyone else have to be honest. Hes a really sweet funny guy. He takes time out of his free time to talk with me and to learn me how too play league of legends, just so we can play together. He praises me when i do good things, and he dont scold me when i fuck up in any shape or form. Hes patient whit my negativity and self hatred. He tries to help me get better. He makes me feel good looking at times and he makes me smile and laugh even when i feel like shit. And im starting to crave for his attention more and more for each day that pass. But yet again, i dont think its a crush? But i have no idea what else to call it. 

He have in just some weeks sneaked his way into my head and broken down the walls one by one and gotten me to open up about things i thought id never tell anyone (and that is making me raise my guard even more cause i have no idea how to act). He have gained my trust in no time at all. Not fully but its not far from it. And just that is a huge achievement, seing how i barely trust my friends ive known my whole life. I dont feel like i deserve him in any kind of way. But yea i dont think i deserve anything or anyone. 

Then there is this really nice sad guy ive just talked with for a few days. I feel like i can be myself when i talk to him. Hes kinda cute, nice and all. The typical guy i know i tend to fall for. Thing is, hes 19. And i know age is just a number but its setting me off so badly. And he seems so sensitive. I feel like if i stay around ill tip him over the edge that hes already balancing on. But i dont want to stop talking to him. He said hes happy i listen when he opens up and hes happy that we talk. But i dont know. I feel like im setting him off by telling him about things. And i haven't even opened up that much yet.. Barely cracked the lid. And i dont want to scare him away just cause im fucked up. 

And then we have my so called best friend that ive known since i turned 13. Everything changed after he and creepie broke up. He changed. He started lying about things before that but he never treated me bad until last year. The one person i trusted fully flipped the coin and turned into something and someone i dont know anymore. The one person i felt like i could actually talk to invited me over to stay with him for a week then, during the days i was at creepies place, decide that a tinder chick that he basically just want to fuck is more important then his (his own words) best friend? His best friend that took money she didnt have just to go and visit him cause HE was feeling depressed and hated being alone. So he changes his plans making me break down and get pissed off enough to jell at him. And he still to this day dont understand why i actually got mad, at least what i think. His new girlfriend is a really sweet girl. Hit it off with her directly. And she forced him to talk to me about it. He apologized about him acting like a cunt but something in his eyes made me feel like he still had no idea what he had done to me. What he had caused. I went to him  before new years. I was so nervous i had to take my anxiety pills. That should say it all. 

Ontop of all this shit AF is at my back about me getting a job. They thing i should get a job that basically marks me a Mentally broken person. Just cause i haven't been able to land a job yet. Just cause i cant the tom understand that i literally CANT work with anything unless i have a interest for it. They dont understand when i tell them im 110 % sure i have Asperger's. Ive also gotten the paper saying they are looking into it and that im in line for the next part of it. Yet they seem to think im just lazy and stubborn. 

But ey at least i got that going for me. The psychiatrist finally agreed with me. Almost 2 years later im finally getting somewhere with that. Just had to slip between the chairs 3 times before anything happened, but you know thats normal and can get brushed aside by saying sorry. At least thats what the three people i met think. They thought i had read up about it and knew what i was talking about at least. Of course i know what im talking about. I wouldnt be sitting there if i didnt. Ive lived with it my whole life. I just didnt realize it had a fucking name until my brother got the diagnose some years ago.  

Back to the topic males i guess.. Lately ive started talking to more and more males. I keep carving some sort of recognition. Even tho its not the right kind. All they do is want to put their dick in me, yet i keep talking to them, “flirting”. And i dont like that at all. Ive never needed someones acceptance before. Ive never craved for someone to lust for me either. I have no idea why im changing like this. I dont like it but i dont think i can stop it. I know its a new way for me to hurt myself. Ive basically switched cutting to sex. Just havent physically fucked anyone yet. And yea i still cutt when i cant handle my anxiety so. Guess i havent replaced it at all. Just added another bad habit. 

My parents are soon out on the road cause the state have taken their house and they cant get a apartment. All cause they where late on one payment. One fucking payment in 10 years. And thats enough for them to loose their home? They aint allowed to get a place with a rent higher then 5000 skr a month. There are literally no apartments for that low rent out there right now. They found a house outside of linköping that my dad fell inlove with, but its like 12000skr a month so they aint allowed to take that one. So in the end of next month my parents will most likely be living in a caravan on a friends garden. And my brother with his girlfriend and her parents. Cause thats totally a way to handle it. And cause of all this ive gotten to take the role as my moms shrink. Every time we meet its always something new she need to vent about. And i cant handle it. It makes me even more stressed about the situation then i already am. My life should be enough. I shouldnt have to handle hers aswell. But i cant say no to her. I cant open up to her about my problems cause shed break then. So ill just have to keep the mask up i guess and break down when i get home after every visit. 

Ive started working out abit aswell. I know ive lost some weight, i can even se it myself. Still i feel like i hate myself more and more for each day that comes. I feel like my life is never going to get better. I feel like im drowning. And i have no idea how long i can stay afloat.