#i havent done a clear out of my following page ever i think so i went from 700 something to 409 lol !

[gommyworm]

Never noticed that it tells u how long ago a blog has updated on the following page so I just unfollowed like 300 people for inactivity ✌🏼 if i accidentally unfollowed u lemme know 🥲

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Trophy Chapter Seven

Masterlist

Warnings: Adult situations +18, Smut ,Dub con, Coercive behavior, Daddy kink, Threats of violence, Masturbation, Swearing

A/n: So this has taken absolutely ages to write... there are many things that i wanted in the chapter that havent made it i was struggling about how much plot i added to this chapter and i can only apologize for how long it has taken m0but also wanted to covey the back story a little more. I'm happy with it and i hope you are to. As a head's up this story might end up being a fifteen to twenty chapters I hope. Any way I do hope this is worth the wait. p.s if you want the other chapters they are in order on my masterlist which is linked above as always.xx

Taglist: @havenoffandoms​ @aphrodites-punch​ @charlieferret​ @thatgirly81​ @two-unbeatable-beaters​ @viking-raider​ @iloveyouyen​ @black-ninja-blade

Trophy Chapter Seven

Henry sat behind his desk he was annoyed, you could tell by the way he sat shoulders, neck and jaw twitching every now and then, he was wound tight. The power radiating from him cast waves across the space leaving the air thick, yet behind it was something else, something that was echoing across the room each time he cast his gaze to you. He sent smirks to you when he caught you stealing glances at him. Feeling his glances linger you faltered scanning the same line of your book for what seemed the hundredth, willing yourself not to look at him not to give him a reason to approach you. You wanted to be left alone with your thoughts sighing you tucked your feet up on the sofa cringing you huffed as your bare ass pulled on the leather...You just knew you was leaving marks...The knowledge made you curl up tighter tucking your skirt under yourself shielding your center from His glances. You couldn't concentrate, to many things had happened already today and to many thoughts ran around inside your head. You could kick yourself ,was it right? You'd sold yourself to the devil...For what? You looked him over taking in the way his shoulders tensed as he moved pulling a slim tablet from his desk flicking open the stand connecting it to a wireless keyboard. Was this the plan all along...For him to back you into a corner like this, to make you hand yourself over willingly?  To resign yourself to staying with him. Trapping yourself in this house forever...To protect a fantasy of what could have been? A man who you started imagining a future with...An agent... A liar. You heaved a deep sigh moving a hand to swipe at your eyes then pinched the bridge of your nose dropping the book to your knees that were firmly tucked below your chin. Your emotions finally catching up with you. Tears were quickly forming in your eyes. It could have been a ruse, a cruel ploy to use as cover. Had it? It had felt so natural, so pure. Like you could have had it all but was it real?... Or did Stephan think you knew something was you just part of the job?.... You looked over to Henry he had said the day you got here that Stephan was using you... At the time you just thought it was the mans madness talking but now?...He could have been right...As far as things stood at the moment Henry had done many things to you...But he had not lied to you. Did he know all along? was he in some fucked up way trying to help you?. Could he possibly love you as he said he did?. Is he just acting now? Playing along? it was entirely possible Henry was a smart man. There was no doubt about that, you don't get to were he is being an idiot...And  it was convenient that everything was in  his favor that he was coming out on top again... You shook your head, they were some very dangerous thoughts. You felt him look at you again and he sighed at you watching tears fall landing on the pages open in front of you. He just rose out of his seat moving ,opening the door letting in Kal who had been waiting dutifully out side the door.

"Go see your mother" you blinked not quite understanding but soon realized he had been speaking to Kal as the dog jumped up on to the sofa beside you nudging the book from your hands to the floor. Henry moved collecting the hardback copy of Tolkien's Hobbit placing in on the small side table by you. He smiled as Kal stealthily made himself comfy on your lap, making you uncurl to accommodate him lathering you with kisses. Henry moved his hand ruffling the bears ears praising him"Good boy, you sit there and protect your mother hmm?...He is definetly taken with you, my fully trained gaurd dog becomes a soppy puppy around you" you smiled a little scratching Kals chin, Henry crouched down looking at you moving to pat your hip

"...Pet? try not to think to much...You have no need to be sad my love, now is a time for us to...move past everything to look forward to our future... I'm going to keep my word as long as you keep yours. Now try and cheer up for me" you forced a smile at him then let your face drop again. He sighed deciding to give you time to yourself then made his way across the office to his seat again. You whined digging your fingers into the dogs thick fur pressing your face into his neck as he rested his chin on your shoulder panting happily as you continued to cuddle the massive fluff ball. You closed your eyes it was pathetic that you'd throw away everything to protect the first man to ever show you attention. But what was done is done. There was no way Henry would ever let you back track, and if you did you knew for certain that you'd be wholey responsible for Stephan's demise. And to make matters worse in the middle of your confused despair you now had to face the man who had started all this, who had betrayed you. Fletcher who had set you up to be kidnapped. With no idea as to what would happen to you, or you'd like to think he had no idea but you doubted it. You turned your head resting the side of our face into the dog sniffling trying hard not to cry, this time with anger. You shook sitting silent,  you didn't want to attract the mobsters attention any more than you had. You could feel him getting worse feeling him seeth to himself as he tapped away at the tablet every few seconds cursing under his breath. You moved back leaning back as Kal followed your movements to lounge across you getting watching the door.

Finally after the longest hour of your life there was a timid knock on the door then a nasally voice you knew all to well.

"Oh he hasn't answerd must be busy-" you heard a thump as if someone had been slammed against the door.

"Get your ass in here fletcher!"  You jumped making Kal nudge your hand as if to say keep petting me. The good boy was helping with your anxiety over the whole situation. Your attention was brought back to Henry as he spoke his tone was dark, cool and calculated. He looked high and mighty, smug as he sat taller a lopsided grin upon his face he winked in your direction making you blink slowly this was business and he was most definitely the boss. Slowly the door opened and your ex-employer came in,the usually tall confident man was hunched forward trying to look as insignificant as possible. Nervous and flighty, he didn't want to be here and you couldn't blame him, hell you didn't want to be here. Henry raised a brow to the door left wide open making Fletcher turn sharply and close it you jumped closing your eyes tight as it slammed beside you prompting another nudge from Kal who was covering you leaning across you trying to be a wall between you ad the other male. The terrified man stood still then, took a few steps in the room as he quickly began stammering apologies to Henry which he rolled his eyes at and held a hand up .Stop. Fletcher moved forward with a forced smile and sat down in front of the desk twisting his hands.

"S-so Mr Cavill.....I erm wh-what did you need to talk to me about?"

"Get up"  Fletcher tilted his head as Henry leaned back in his chair placing his forearms on the arms of the chair taking a relaxed pose

"Wha-why?" Fletcher asked but soon moved when Henry's blues turned icey

"Did I stutter? Get. Up." Fletcher jumped leaping out of the chair as Henry's voice was sharp and foreboding. Fidgeting with his hands Fletcher took a a deep shaking breath and looked about ready to piss himself. Henry moved slowly closing the kickstand on the back of the tablet casually with a flick of his wrist, moving to place it and the keyboard in the drawer he had got it from. He looked up through his lashes at the man.

"You see Fletcher...This is the problem we have.....You make decisions....The wrong decisions and then you try to back track." Fletcher looked at Henry and swallowed.

"You are to do as your told and nothing more, things are going to change, your not going to make a move, decide anything talk to anyone your not even going to take a shit without my fucking say so is that fucking clear?" Fletcher moved forward wide eyed at the implications.

"But-Henr.....Mr Cavill I didn't say anything,  I just gave him the trail you .Gave me...That’s all!....I swear....I'd never betray you like that we're friends" Henry laughed loud at him then fixed  to coward before him with a stern look.

"Friends?...You think we are ...Friends?....Sure. I may have kept you out of prison which; you paid me for and I agreed to the loans... We drank together what once? Twice?...I may have even wiped your debt with our last little deal...." Henry's eyes swiped over you for a second his haze turning hungry for a moment then returned to the quivering man before him.

"But I am not your friend...I don't have friends...It was business....You are a pathetic little man who bit off more then he could chew. Now be a good boy and tell me What did he tell you? Was there anything that seemed strange about him? Anything at all think back.." Fletcher furrowed his brow confused and shook his head.

"I don't understand he was just an immigrant-"

"He used a false identity... Did you do a background check on him?" It was a test. Henry knew Fletcher didn't check him out, he couldn't have.For an agent the kid hadn't covered his tracks very well he practically popped up out of thin air. But Henry was more interested in whether Fletcher would lie to him, he needed to know how close of an eye to keep on him .Fletcher however went a deathly shade of pale, he hadn't known about Stephan.

"I-I don't... I don't know ...He seemed to check out when I hired him-" Henry slammed his fist down making you whimper into Kal’s fur closing your eyes.

"YOU GOT SOME FUCKING BALLS TO SIT IN MY HOME, IN MY FUCKING OFFICE AND LIE RIGHT TO MY FACE!! YOU DIDN'T EVEN CHECK HIM DID YOU?" Fletcher let out a little yelp taking a step back and shook as he nodded.

"Y-your right I'm s-sorry ple-please I rushed him through, I knew I-I didn't have long to replace Y/n...But I swear I didn't know, you have to believe me...He is just a boy...You said so yourself! A boy who doesn't know his place!.A silly little shit who thinks he is in love, or that's what I thought. That maybe he will give up after he realized Y/n wasn't the only place to get his dick wet....I mean she didn't look like she'd be the best fuck in the world you know?" Henry glowered at him the room got colder. Bad move. Henry was jumping down his throat before you even had the chance to be offended.

"Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say about MY woman? You wanna run that one past me again?...Well? come on don't hold back now tell me what you think of her... Oh you haven't got the balls now have you? Let me tell you something you sniveling little cunt you ever disrespect her again and I will personally cut that sorry excuse for a prick right from between your little chicken shit legs and choke you to death with it understand? you keep your fucking mouth shut if you know whats good for you!" stupidly enough you couldn't help the smile or small flutters in your chest as you heard this dangerous man defend you so quickly, even if it was murder...Something about it made you special? dare you say cared for? Fletcher shook realizing his mistake to late.

"Yo-Your woman?....I'm so-sorry Mr Cavill I didn't know you had taken her for yourself...Ple-Please forgive me I didn't mean-" Henry growled waving him off if he let the man continue to grovel then they would be here all fucking day. He sighed rolling his eyes before continuing.

"One check...One five minuet check and you could have avoided this fucking mess...There is no Stephan clermont...I’m pretty sure he was a fucking agent, we are not sure what branch.. You let an agent into your fucking cafe! Fuck knows what he has seen and heard because you didn't screen him properly..."

"H-he was a what? Oh fuck oh fuck! Mr Cavill? I'm sorry I am so sorry please..I-I didn't know! You have to believe me!" The poor man all but got on his hands and knees,pleading with the kingpin opposite him. He was trembling as the gravity of the situation dawned on him. Henry sat back keeping silent, he wanted to make the man squirm for a few moments, he thrived of the terror permeating the room.Finally he moved forward tilting his head sighing.

"However it has worked in my...Our favor....Hasn't it little one?" You shrunk into Kal as Fletcher looked at you shocked seeing you sitting by the door on the huge leather sofa,you scowled at him wanting desperately to launch the book in your hands at him, to scream and shout attack him even.

"Y/n? Yo-your okay? Thank god I was so worried- I was sure Henry wasn't going too hurt you...But there was still a doubt...But he hasn't and your here!" you stood up seeing red, Fletcher flinched as Kal strode past him looking at him warily. A part of you wanted Kal to take a bite but you didn't want to see him turn like that, he was the only one you trusted not to hurt you in this house. Tears blurred your eyes as you struggled to temper your anger.Worried?How dare he! How fucking dare he say that to you! Your stomach clenched as you finally registered his words. But before you had any time to think it over you was already screaming at him. Henry slowly pushed himself out from the desk waiting for the blow up about to happen.

"BULLSHIT! BULL-SHIT YOU WASN'T WORRIED AT ALL!  YOU CUNT YOU FUCKING SET ME UP, USED ME AS SOME FUCKING BARGAINING CHIP FOR WHAT?" You screamed at him moving across the small space towards him spitting out your words, you didn't notice Henry move to focused on the man in front of you as you gained on him as he shuffled back nearly tripping over the chair beside him.

"I TRUSTED YOU! WHAT DID YOU GET? WHAT DID HE FUCKING GIVE YOU HUH? TELL ME FLETCHER JUST WHAT WAS I WORTH?" He took another step back unprepared for your out burst he stumbled back. You cried as your anger overwhelmed you Henry bypassed him capturing your arms in his hands pressing you back with little effort. Standing between you and Fletcher, his massive frame concealed him, a huge wall of sculpted muscle. You frowned up at Henry for a second only to twist your head to the side around him and carried on screaming at the sleazeball cowering behind him.

"DID YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?! TELL ME DAMNIT!" You cried as Henry quickly pulled you away from the man you struggle feebly as you was directed away from the man you wanted to claw at.

"I thought you were going to be safe! I was sure Henr-Mr Cavill wouldn't put you in the circuit in town-" You fumed crying torn between anger and despair. Henry finally moved sitting back down holding your heaving form flush against him making you lean his hand resting across your abdomen he moved kissing your hair. He rocked you slightly the caring gesture seemed to flip a switch as you immediately crumbled into his chest, your nerves were shot and you had just about enough. You gave in to the need for comfort, wanting someone to hold as the days rollacoaster finally caught up with you. You moved turning shifting on his lap tucking yourself into him sobbing, clutching and twisting at his shirt. Henry adjusted his hold on you, cupping your legs  and widening his own to support you more comfortably.

"I ha-hate you...Why?...Why did yo-you do this?....."  you brought a hand up to your face wiping away the tears looking up at Henry completely lost falling apart at the seams, you looked at him in that moment for answers. For reasons and reassurance.

"There is a fine line between love and hate, hasn't anyone ever told you that pet?" He smiled when you looked at him confused then sobbed he pulled your face to his chest again.

"What did I do to deserve this?" You whined against him ,loosing yourself into something you still didn't understand yet. Henry smirked feeling you give in. He just began shushing you and rubbing your back soothing you, his eyes on Fletcher the whole time. Fletcher watched in fear seeing first hand just what this man's cruelty truly was, how he had gotten under your skin and manipulated you, twisted you into doing exactly what he wanted. How he can redesign and remold anyone to suit his own ends. And that was his strength. That was the secret to his power Henry was a silver tongue and master at mind games. He made the game and everyone around him was playing it whether they knew it or not. Fletcher gulped he knew he wasn't going to walk away from this,  there was no escape you cannot outsmart this man. You cannot win against the devil himself.

To anyone in that moment Henry looked like the cat who'd caught the canary.A king sitting on his golden throne with his little sacrifice curled up in his lap. So pleased with himself and how things were playing out as he allowed you to wrap yourself around him willingly as you wept into his chest. Fletcher could see through the veneer for the first time and what he saw terrified him. Just what had he gotten himself into? And more importantly how was he going to get out of it?

Henry moved slowly whispering into your neck as he tilted his head down.

"Shh love thats enough....shh shh its okay your okay I'm here....Thats it good girl..... No need to get yourself so worked up...what's done is done and we can all put it behind us....." he finished with a chaste kiss to your neck , you could feel how Fletcher was uncomfortable as Henry worked on your neck slowly sucking making you gasp and wriggle as he dug his teeth in determined to make a show for the other male. He smirked against your neck as you whined, one of his hands had slid up under your skirt digging his fingers into the raised welts from yesterday,you flush as you jolted you hips to escape his hand. You felt ashamed as you  enjoyed the thick thighs below you rubbing across your ass even if it did sting, you have almost no control as his words relaxed you. Letting you melt into him closing your eyes giving yourself into his soothing tone.

Henry finally looked up at Fletcher through his lashes mouth still hovering at your neck he pulled back with a parting kiss, he moved his arms to wrap around you as he felt you settle into him completely relaxed , you had past the point of panic and simple stayed there soaking up what ever comfort he was willing to give you. Chuckling he grinned knowingly across the desk he knew the man across from him was panicking, that he had clicked that Henry was much more then he appeared and that letting him get away with this wasn't an option.

Well man? He was a little weasel- a little weasel that had owed him big time, tax avoidance wasn't the biggest thing Henry could help cover up usually he didn't bother but Fletcher was desperate when he came to him begging for his help. Two businesses and seventeen years worth of dodging the tax man ,national insurance pensions you name it he wasn't paying finding loopholes and then it had all caught up to him. It was enough to make anyone desperate when the tax man started asking too many questions, if he went down he wouldn't get out of prison at his age. So Henry decided to help, he needed to start somewhere in the new town and it was a piece of piss. He helped arranging everything, saving Fletcher's ass but it had come with a hefty price tag. Fletcher was getting brave after nearly a few months, out right refusing to pay him back. That is what prompted his visit to the crappy cafe, if he asked you probably wouldn't remember serving him or chatting to him but he did. He spent the days and weeks after obsessing over you, he was unsure how to go about seeing you he didn't want to leave anything to chance. He wanted you. He wanted to feel that peace that you caused in him, you were his refuge, his little piece of normality. It wasn't until the second visit to Fletcher that he had made a deal.It was simple, Fletcher had pleaded with him making promise after promise, first of money then assets, use of the cafe; which Henry had already been doing for smaller deals but then he finally offered something Henry actually wanted. You. He offered you as his payment saying that your were pretty enough and would make him a lot of money in the prostitution ring he had in town. He remembered that moment, he was filled with unadulterated rage and pure joy all at once. The mere thought of you being used in such a way made him want to step back and let his boys do their thing, yet he couldn't for the life of him let the opportunity pass.He was also frightened for you, the fact Fletcher was willing to sell you into that kind of life was to much of a risk, what if he sold you to someone else? And they did force you into that life?. No absolutely not he had to save you. Protect you. So he accepted.You for his debt. It was decided that you would keep working at the cafe for the time being.... With higher pay and better conditions, he couldn't have his woman struggling could he?.

He had got everything ready at that point he was going to become a regular customer and try to wrangle a date that way, yet when he visited you were never out front always in the kitchen. So he moved to his second plan the long game becoming your landlord and bumping into you as he visited the building...He would play himself of as a relative of one of the residents. It was the perfect plan he would have then have access to your building and apartment,have all security footage of you coming and going so he would know when to pop in he was going to up the security and such too. He could make it impossible for you to ignore him. Once you were going steady he would rocket the rent forcing you to move out....And in with him.That was the plan you'd have been content came to him willingly! thinking it was all meant to be just as much as him! You'd have fallen so in love with him all on your own!. All Fletcher had to do was keep you occupied for a few months as he bought your building. It wasn't a big ask really.Instead he had made you unknowingly train up your replacement. Stephen who he now knew had been posing as some danish pratt and HE had tricked you! quickly wooing you into a date.

"Fletcher...keep your eyes open for Stephan...I want him found...He gets in touch with you you tell me" he nodded quickly sensing this meeting was going to be wrapped up soon. You wriggled against Henry pulling yourself  out of your safe space still desperate for answers.

"No! Tell me what happened?" You struggled as Henry brought his arms around you tighter grunting in your ear.

"Enough my love!...That is enough...Like I have told you its in the past! Unless you are already backtracking on our little deal?" You froze twisting to look up at him, his voice was calm but firm and sliced past your ear in hot breaths. You shook.

"No!-no I'm not...I just want to know...I need to know why? Why he did this? Please...." Henry sighed looking at you for a few seconds then to Fletcher who was literally shaking on the spot.

"Leave...As far as we are concerned you now fucking owe me again...Same as before my boys will be there to collect on Thursdays as usual and I will be watching you, you fuck up again and its over for you we clear?" He took a step forward gasping motioning to you.

"B-BUT I PAID IT OFF...YO-YOU  GOT HER DIDN'T YOU!?" You froze as you got your answer. A debt. You were just a debt? Money... you thought he'd at least sell you of for something less common then  money. You sat shell shocked not really sure why you expected it to be over something else but hearing him say it so freely made you, you wasn't sure hurt? Insulted even. Your thoughts were cut short a Henry replied confirming what you'd just heard.

"Yes your right I do have her... And she has agreed to stay here with me of her own free will" he kissed your temple and chuckled but quickly snarled as Fletcher turned on you.

"YOU LITTLE USELESS CUNT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?" You jumped and cowered sliding back grasping Henry's hand for comfort as Fletcher moved forward arms raised as if you try and grab you. For a second you panicked that he would and held onto Henry tighter. It was then that Kal crept from beside the desk growling his heckles raising looking frightening as he stood tall staring at the frantic man. Henry moved you to one leg hushing you, he was pleased you wasn't facing him as he couldn't help the triumphant smile as he realized he was your safety net, it was a tiny move but in the right direction. You wanted him to protect you and he wouldn't disappoint. He turned from you and growled low you pushed in to his chest your breath picking up as he looped an arm stroking your hip in small circles as he leaned forward pulling open a drawer next you heard as a click of a gun being cocked.

Instantly Fletcher's new found confidence dwindled and he stood back.

"I'd advise you not to talk to my woman like that, you'll find I'm not very patient when it comes to things like that. You ever raise your voice to her again and it'll be the last thing you'll ever fucking do...Your useless do you understand?...Expendable...And remember its you who fucked up big time...You who caused all this....I don't know weather your worth all the fuss....and I have to ask myself weather you are worth the risk? I mean where does this leave you?.....Bar from finding Stephan your fucking useless now and to be honest I don't think he is going to contact you again...And you royally fucked up,  you let an agent in your business, he knows what you've been doing...or more importantly what you haven't been doing...He also knows that you have ties with me and my...Associates and also thinks that you helped aid me in kidnapping...And that brings us full circle really, now I'm going to have to watch you. Have my men protect your business have the police and judge on my payroll find ways to overlook your cock ups all over again...Its only fair that you compensate me for all my hard work...Or I could end it right here..." Henry moved the gun higher aiming it at the quivering man before him, he was making a show wanting you to see he would never ever let anyone disrespect you or frighten you. He wanted you to know he was the boss and was here for you, that you could run to him and he would always protect you. He wanted to convey so much here and now but as he looked down at you he saw terror...You wasn't ready to see this side of business...You shivered turning to face him noticing his pause, he tilted his head and shushed you kissing your lips softly you closed your eyes tight and moved your hands clutching at his shirt. He sighed looking back up.

"But...I don't want to frighten my little one here...shes had a trying day already so you'll just have to settle for the Vonnie brothers have a go they are back this afternoon." He moved  tilting his hand with the gun checking his watch smirking, as the man tried to move out of the way.

"Two hours? you know what they are like messy brutal but they do get things done...And they do enjoy squealers you definitely fit that bill...Or you can go back the how it was before, nice and simple...so what will it be?" Fletcher just looked between the two of you and nodded.

"I-I will pay... I will tell you if he contacts me or I notice anything" Henry chuckled darkly at that watching in amusement as the man before him slumped looking to the floor giving up the fight defeated. Henry was a snake, you were within his coils before you realized what was happening and then once you were trapped like a rat that is when he decided to strike.

"That’s what I thought. Now fuck off"

within seconds the door shut and you were left in the office with him alone. Still placed on his lap you let out a breath you didn't know you was holding. he shifted you you face him knees spread around his waist ad he pulled you flush against him running his heavy palms up and down your thighs making you tense.

"Apart from your little outburst I am very please with you, such a good girl for daddy aren't you?" You blinked at him then looked to the door again.

"Are you gonna hurt him? When all this is over I mean?" Henry sighed his breath moving your hair.

"That doesn't concern you little one..If you start becoming to nosy I will have no choice but to correct you... You may have agreed to stay but that does not mean your free to do as you please, daddy is still very much in charge and will still spank you when your misbehaving...do you understand little girl?..." You just sighed sniffling you was tired to tired to even try and argue knowing that it would be futile you wasn't going to get any answers from him.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes Daddy"

It had been a week since Fletcher had visited. One week since you’d made the deal and one week days since Stephan had disappeared. You hadn't really been around Henry to ,much over the past week he had lots of meetings and phone calls. From What you could gather he had began changing locations and combing through his empire searching for bugs and stuff. You wasn't sure on details he caught you at the door once and that had swiftly ended with you over his knee in the office being spanked into hysterics then being stood in the corner pinning a penny to the wall with your nose holding your skirt up so he could 'admire his handy work'. You cringed at the memory your bottom tensing at the thought. Apart from that you don't really see him which is a god send in a way he was also to preoccupied with other things to touch you to much. You mainly saw him in the morning and evenings. Hearing raised voices from the office just beyond the sitting room. Henry was shouting at Luke again. No one knew where Stephan was but from what you over heard they had wheedled out another undercover agent, you wasn't sure what happened but Henry seemed pleased with himself over it. Suddenly the door opened and Luke staggered past dead on his feet moving down into the garage. You tilted your head to Henry who stood by the door sighing. He looked relaxed very happy...Maybe this was the time to ask him about it...See if they had any idea of where Stephan was...Who he was? over the past week you couldn't shake your doubts about him and the relationship you'd begun to build. the more you thought about it the more questions you had. And the more you began to question your feelings especially about Henry. It was concerning, you found yourself justifying his actions. You was starting to truly Question if he had taken you to protect you from Fletcher...If Fletcher was willing to sell you for his debt things could have been much worse you if you hadn't gone to Henry... You dread to think where you could be now. He also seemed to want to protect you from Stephan who you decided was just using you for cover and would only end up breaking your heart in the end. You blinked at the screen. The other terrifying reality was you had missed him this past week, you were isolated in this house and without Henry around it was really getting to you. It was late in the afternoon and you had spent the day watching films on Netflix in the living room. Trying to ignore the many questionable men and women coming in and out of the office. You looked at him as nudged Kal away and he took a seat beside you on the sofa rolling his sleeves up his arms.

"Hey love...What are you doing?" You moved the tablet showing him the screen coseying up to him below his arm as it settled across your shoulders, you took a deep breath breathing him in then stopped yourself.

"Watching stuff....Can...Can I ask you something?" he raised a brow at you has hand cupping your shoulder and looked down at you taking a deep breath.

"You can but it just because you ask doesn't mean I’m going to answer.." he finished with a grin then looked down at your face noticing how it had dropped as you swiped your your new tablet back to the home screen.

"Come on little one whats on your mind?" you sighed taking a breath. then face him for a second your breath hitched in your throat sometimes his looks just hit you, making your heart begin to jump in your chest you looked down flushing shaking your head going to flick back on your tablet only for him to cover the screen with his huge hand prying it from you.

"Now now don't be like that love, you remember what does daddy say about pouting?" you flushed again knowing exactly what he wanted to hear, you sighed trying to look down and hide yourself only for him to pull your face up again.

"If I don't stop pouting you'll give me something to pout about.." he nodded giving you a gentle kiss on your head.

"Good girl now tell daddy whats going on in that mind of yours" you sighed and twisted facing him fully. and opened your mouth a few times trying to figure out the best way to bring this up, you didn't want to set him off again you steeled yourself swallowing down your anxiety.

"I-I erm...I just wanted to know if..well I was wondering if you knew just wh-who Stephan was yet is all.." his frame grew rigid he blinked then opened his mouth then decided against what he was going to say, his eyes closed and his jaw clenched trying to compose himself. Then his eyes snapped open harsh and burning trapping your own gaze.Oh shit.

"And why would you need to know that little lady? Are you planning something little one?! Tell me your not still hoping he will come and whisk you away from me?! is that what you want?! for him to come and try to rescue you? to fall in love with that lying little rat?! When you have me?! and I finally have you...You are not going anywhere princess your mine or have you forgotten that?!" you tensed gasping as his voice got deeper carrying more weight with each word. You quickly started shaking as he pulled away from you sitting up taller his eyes grew wild as they darted across your form. You swallowed seeing the frantic madness in him coming to the surface, you needed to pacify him and fast. You leaned forward grasping his knee.

"N-No nothing like that I promise...It's just Ive been thinking a lot over this week..." you grew more worried as your words did not have the desired effect. He growled gripping your bicep holding it tight, you didn't wince or pull away you knew he would read to much into it. instead you sat there before him trying desperately to close the can of worms you had just opened.

"NO! Not like that...Please-Please Daddy I don't mean...H-he lied to me and..and he was using me I know what we hav-HAD wasn't real I-I see that now I just wanted to know who he was, Who he worked for to bring it home...For closure...Then I can move on..I don't want to think of him anymore but I cant stop wondering" that seemed to have helped as he took a deep breath his hard eyes softened and he let his grip on your arms loosen making you sigh in relief.

"Yo-You don't want him to come get you? you know he doesn't love you? he doesn't! he can't no one can love you, not as much as i do you know that don't you? that I love you so so much you are my world,Mine the most important thing in my life" you took a slow breath at his desperate words, his views and words still frighten you and these dark turns are still a worry. But you find yourself able to navigate them easier each time he has one. You swear he is schizophrenic or something, tho not as violent as they had been in the beginning they still happen at the slightest of things. you forced what you hoped was a convincing smile ready to butter him up praying to god this next line helps rather then hinders.

"No...I don't want him to come get me...I'm yours Daddy, your little girl...I agreed to stay here..I'm sorry, I just don't want him to haunt me when I'm trying to move on...With you...Ive missed you." It works, you can see in his face how his eyes sparkle and his jaw hangs slack suddenly your pulled in tight his arms caging you to his massive frame.

"Oh baby girl...Daddy is sorry...I'm so sorry I snapped at you I should have known!.. My precious little one! of course your finding it hard to move on...That boy has really messed with your head huh? tricking you like he did, leading you on...Your okay now I promise I won't let him hurt you ever again" he moved back cupping your face in both hands then kissed your cheeks his gaze was calm full of understanding and wonder. you sighed nodding to him know full well that it was best to agree. he tugged you up onto his thighs with a soft grunt puling you forward, you put your weight on your knees either side of him hovering lightly thee skirt you wore offering no protection from him what so ever. if he noticed your hesitance he didn't comment on it to wrapped up in himself as he tugged you closer making you gasp as your center came into contact with his bulge. You hissed whining as he pressed you harder onto him chuckling making him smile.

"Oh Sweetheart I know...I've missed you two but daddy is doing everything he can so we can stay together...I love you little one and as much as it pains me to be apart from you I do still have an empire to run hmm?" you blushed as he groaned a little moving you by your hips making you rock onto him.

"But fuck baby girl your so hot...I can feel you through my trousers" You gasped clutching his arms trying to make him stop as he let his head fall back bucking up into you coming to life below you. He laughed moving your skirt up your thighs making it rest high and shuffled down leaning back on the soft cushions tugging you down onto his chest by your wrists. He spread his thighs wider the with the sole purpose to force your legs to part further your body slide down his erection now pressing into your lower tummy. Once he had you laid across him he hummed into your ear holding you close before slowly letting a hand slither down your back sliding over your ass and cup the apex of your spread thighs below you. You tensed as he did this trying to pull yourself up.

"Ah Ah shh shh that's it baby don't worry Daddies got you...I wont let you fall love...Oh I know I know princess." you whined as he moved his fingers slowly over you grazing the pads of his fingers across your lips teasing the delicate flesh making you look around the room making sure no one was going to walk in on you. He sighed watching you for a few seconds then tilted your head to him.

"Hey eyes here pet...that's it...I'm sorry I haven't been around but luckily everything is now sorted out and we can spend our days together again...No no look at me princess...that's it good girl" you arched up as his fingers wandered forward capturing your clit in two fingers pulling and rolling it until making your walls flutter to life rocking down and forward unsure if you was trying to dislodge him or move him into a different pattern. he smiled tilting his hand so his thumb ran across your slit as he continued to manipulate your little bud. You twitched trying in vain to close your legs. but your thighs were no match for his as he held firm using one hand to gather your hair tucking it behind your ears as you bit your lip rocking against his wicked hand feeling you coat his thumb as he smeared it across you.

"Ah-AAHH F-fucK! PLease..pleEASE DA-oh god" you closed your eyes as he worked you up into a frenzy your cried gasping choking on air. Pressing the side of your face to his chest panting as he tilted his hand quickly rewarding your weeping center with two thick fingers knuckle deep holding them still. Groaning as your heat swallowed him rippling around him smiling he just kissed the top of your head, you quivered over him panting out small breathy whines. He got to work bringing his other hand to one of your thighs rolling the soft flesh massaging you as he scissored his fingers back and forth inside you. Then he began dragging them in and out making sure to open you up as far as he could with the digits, changing his angle slightly each time pressing on different nerves. You jumped yelping as the pads of his finger tips skimmed the soft patch of nerves that he has become accustom to stroking. He grunted winding his free arm around your waist  then used as much strength as he could, pinning your torso to his own need then quickly started pounding his fingers into that tiny spot of nerves bouncing you faster and faster making your tummy rub him through his own clothes sighed and grunting he started bucking his hips up to you. He hissed closing his eyes concentrating on the sounds you made, from the smallest of gasps as your breath got stuck in your throat to the louder more erotic moans and cries that his fingers forced out of you. He groaned louder joining you making your own duet of lustful cries. he hissed as he tensed his arms your tummy trapping his head between your torsos he moved his wrist hearing the wet slaps of his hand against you in a furious rhythm, definitely ready for another. he added a third finger and began curling them making you arch almost painfully tensing your legs trying to wriggle away from him when they pressed harder and harder to your weak spot.

"AHH UGHFUH-FUCK NOnoOnoOO!...PLease not-NOT HERE PLEASE DADDY!"  he grunted in response a you sat back up only to curl back down into him mouth open over his shirt crying out trembling. Trying to hold your release not wanting to leave any evidence in such a public room in the house. he slowed a little but only for a few short seconds as he moved another finger extending it making every stroke torture as the digit rolled over your taught clit. You clenched trying to hold back but couldn't finally grunting louder than you meant to as you rocked desperately onto his hand tears streaming down your face as your climax made your body cramp , nerves burning and shuddering as he forced you to melt across his hand. panting you  fisted your hands in his shirt shivering whimpering into him trying to catch your breath. he moved his hand away wiping your own release on your back letting it seep through your blouse you blushed and sobbed feeling your own warmth heat your back in puddles.

"Such a good girl...so good for me my love...OH look at all of that hmm? you really have missed me haven't you?..I promise I wont leave you alone this long ever again.." he moved you to sit up with one hand you looked down seeing the clear puddle below you on the floor and sobbed harder shaking your head at him embarrassed.

So wrapped up in your own mortification you hadn't realized what he was doing. his hands crept to his trousers with a few quick tugs ha was free standing tall and proud was quick to guide your hands to his raging erection. you jumped gasping trying to pull away but his grip was tight.

"Shh shh that's it little one...It won't take long here...Just hold it gently like this" he moved your reluctant hand making you grip him at the base then looked at you nodding to your other hand expectantly. You swallowed looking down at him still panting every so often trying to hold your breath. you met his eyes again and he smiled nodding to you.

"Go on...The longer you wait the longer we will be here" you looked down.He was firm and hot in your hand, you could feel his pulse on your palm from the thick veins that climbed across the flesh from root to tip, he was thick your hand felt tiny holding him. Slowly you took a deep breath wanting to get this over with. You just knew he wasn't letting you anywhere with out finishing him off. Moved your other hand to hold him above the other. your reward as a beaming smile. you blinked at him then slowly gave an experimental squeeze making him groan and bring his legs up a little quivering. At first your movements were light, slow then he intervened making one hand grip him tighter moving you faster. Then through his head back praising you closing his eyes.

"Here like thii-OH FUCK!" he swore as you tightened your fist watching your hands as his thick head dripped precum over you hand. It was hard to pull your gaze away forgetting about him as he through his head back moaning loud and grunting into the room. Not willing to miss this he moved his head resting the side of his face on the back of the sofa watching you through half lidded eyes. you blushed when he watched you, not your hands. Your face as you moved faster with both hands. You licked your lip watching his lips form a perfect 'o' then biting his lip as he began moving again thrusting his cock into your palms. You shook your head and paid attention to your hands telling yourself you were watching him to try and see what would help get this over with quicker, but in all honesty you needed a distraction from his handsome fucking face. Watching the way the head of his cock was getting a deeper color going from pink to red and fading fast into purple as you stoked away at him. How his cum came through thicker creamier as you worked it up and down on him. You enjoyed the way he bucking into your hands and clawed at the sofa watching his length slid through your palms finally, just as you thought his crown was going to go blue he swore loud grunting and thrusting into your hands.

"UGH F-FUUUCK YESyesYESFUCK B-BABY DONT STOP! UH UHAAGGH!" his moments through you for a second but you was quick to, on reflex you squeezed him tighter so he wouldn't slip away from your hands making him growl at you as he released across himself. you squeaked as he shot his load drawing a line across your chest making you freeze and cringe. he panted looking to the ceiling in a daze a lazy grin across his lips. You blinked looking around for something to wipe his cum from your top. Before you could move he laughed forcing you to lay down on him again ignoring your protests making you lie flush against him dragging you up to his face as he panted. then moved his face to you neck kissing you.

"Thank you Little one...Daddy really needed that..." you whined against him wanting to run to the shower feeling dirty and sated all in one. he took a deep breath in then stood up slowly on shaking knees cupping your ass then nodded to you.

"Put daddy away and we can go upstairs and have a nice hot bath together...how does that sound baby?" you whined making him raise a brow at you grabbed him quickly but he hissed

"Fuck careful baby you've left daddy sensitive...Play nice...that's it slowly god girl.." slowly you moved his cock tucking it back into place and zipping him up choosing not to delay, the longer it was hanging out the worse you will feel about what just happened and you just wanted to forget the whole thing. he smiled kissing your cheek then moved around the sofa heading up the stairs.

Stephan growled out loud as he walked away from his handlers office. They still said they hadn't got enough evidence on Cavill even with everything he found out about you.or should he say the little he found out about you, you'd been kidnapped by him that much was clear but he couldn't prove it. The closest thing he had to proof was that you hadn't boarded a plane. Coincidentally all cctv of the police station around the time of you and Cavill’s arrival and departure was gone. The paperwork was all gone as he didn't press charges and no arrests were documented on your record , there was no record of his car being impounded either. Someone on the ground as covering for him. Someone high up was on his payroll. So he couldn't help you not only that but his handler was pissed at him, him going off on one had lost them a valuable spot in the investigation he was now benched for a week, stuck on desk duty as punishment for fucking up. He was now to risky to use in the operation and worst of all he couldn't do anything to save you for the time being. He was out unless he could find a rat, someone to double cross Cavill, finding someone that stupid was as rare as hens teeth. So here he was hands tied by bureaucrat bullshit and red tape all because he cared enough to try and find out something, to actually do something!.

He stomped out of the small house being used as the HQ for the sting. And made his way down the road to his new accommodation a cheap b and b on the outskirts of town. Cheap and cheerful and most important of all out of the way.  Threes days....It had been a whole week since he saw you with Henry. The image of you burned into his head. Terrified crying he could see you wanted help and now with how his own investigation had gone down the drain he was afraid that no one not even the collaboration of FBI, CIA and MI5 could save you now, this man. Monster. Was just to cunning, to clean he was ahead of the curve on every aspect and as an agent all he can do for the time being is watch and pray Henry slips up or god only knows what was going to happen to you in the mean time.  

[notveryglittery]

so @/dysaniadisorder​ posted this really cute zoom moxiety art and then i posted some selfies in a discord server and the reactions from that + this moxiety art got me feeling even more Fluffy than usual so here’s a very rambly au that i stream of consciousness wrote in half an hour lol 

idk about anyone else, but i had a pen pal through english class in middle school for a little while. so what if, patton and virgil meeting through being pen pals. patton's letters are as bubbly as his stories, he includes stickers on the pages and the envelope, and uses *so many* exclamation marks. virgil meanwhile, tends to write very little and mostly just in reaction to whatever patton said. because sure, the letters are sent to the school and they've been told not to give away personal information, but y'know... Just In Case.

except for one towards the end of the program, when patton really doesn't want to lose contact with virgil, so he shares his instagram. and he says no pressure of course i dont even know if you have an instagram but here it is if you ever wanna try to keep talking. and bc roman's his best friend, of course virgil has instagram (ugh). so of course he checks patton's profile. and oh *no* he's as cute as his bubbly handwriting and his stories and stickers and exclamation marks

virgil's never really mentioned this whole pen pal thing to roman, because roman's english teacher did not sign her class up for it and he knows roman would be jealous. but he made the mistake of checking patton's profile in roman's presence and if anyone's going to notice a Gay Panic™, it's roman

so of course roman grills virgil and virgil caves bc like what?? else is he gonna do?? but anyway, roman hits the follow button for virgil but then virgil throws his phone across the room and breaks it so can we get an f in the chat

meanwhile patton's studying with his step-brother logan when he gets a little chime from his phone and? oh a new instagram follow that's neat, who's [insert cool username for virgil]? except of course virgil's profile is private so patton has to follow back to see any photos. except virgil's phone is busted! bummer

cue virgil not getting a new phone for a week or two bc idk he's in trouble for breaking the old one to begin with and by the time he finally does get a new one, he totally spaces on installing instagram. so it's like a month and a half later when roman asks him why the heck he hasn't been liking roman's pictures that virgil remembers. and then he also remembers patton. *oh god patton* how could he ever forget, he is a fool, and patton probably hates him now, or he must be super worried, bc the pen pal program is over so they havent been writing and then he just disappeared off the face of the planet which?? well patton should have expected it a little because he did say it would be okay if virgil didnt want to keep in contact but *oh god patton*

virgil installs instagram and finds patton's follow request (and like 32 comments from roman demanding that virgil like his photos what kind of best friend is he smh)

and he accepts it 

and then while he's still riding his bravery high, he messages patton "hey it's virgil" and then Very Calmly sets his phone down before screaming into a pillow

meanwhile patton's busy cheering logan on at his swim meet but this does mean that he's posting all sorts of encouraging cheesy stuff to his story which means virgil is already getting a sneak peak into patton's life and wait oh my GOD is that his voice???????

virgil is very gay and he is having a Time

anyway patton also almost breaks his phone when he sees the follow request approved *and* the message!!! because lowkey , he considers virgil a pretty close friend!! he vented in some of those pen pal letters! said some things he couldn't bring himself to say to anyone else. and virgil was always so patient and kind and reminded him of all the good things to help and balance out the bad things.

so y'know, fast forward thru lots of instagram interactions. messaging each other late into the night. virgil always liking patton's photos and leaving a single "💜" comment on every one. they talk about roman - and how he's virgil's best friend and he may be dramatic and loud but he's reliable and genuine - and they talk about logan - and how patton wouldn't know anywhere near as much as he does w/out him and how they have sleepovers in the basement every saturday.

and fast forward to moving on from instagram to discord, and joining servers of fandoms they're both in. making a server for themselves + roman + logan (and *oh boy,* introducing roman and logan). sending silly memes and posts that "made me think of you", late night texting that ends with one sending the final “i guess you fell asleep, sweet dreams <3″ message, and the other sending the “oops i did, good morning <3″ message in return 

and sure, roman might post pictures on instagram of himself and virgil, but virgil's always half-in half-out of frame or he's blurry or he's looking away. and so one day, he posts a selfie in their friend server because he's just got his hair dyed purple and he's *so excited* and patton. patton didnt even have time to prepare can we get an f in the chat

there are a LOT of keysmashes and hearts lol

roman is still laughing by the time patton manages to calm down. patton sort of flat out demands for a group video call aljsdf

logan and roman, all this time obviously because they can't be out done, have already had plenty of personal voice and video calls themselves. sometimes it's just to help roman run lines or help logan study for a test. but they have been on the receiving end of patton and virgil gushing about their respective crushes so they're in full support of this tbh

so they set up a group video call that night, roman and logan like immediately muting themselves bc let's be real we all know the real reason behind this. patton is gushing about virgil and virgil's hair like, right off the bat, and virgil is slowly but surely disappearing into his hoodie and the lighting in his room isn't very good, but gosh patton is *melting* and then

and THEN

patton pauses to finally drink out of his cooling hot cocoa and virgil takes the opportunity to clear his throat and sit up a little out of his hoodie cocoon and says thank you

and y'all we thought virgil was all Gay Panic™ when he saw patton's face in photos for the first time? and then he broke his phone when roman followed patton for him?

patton does a spit take and chokes on his hot cocoa and kind of maybe shorts out his laptop ajsdkjhsf

because we gotta go full circle baby

roman disappears from view on his camera because he just rolled off the bed he's laughing so hard

you know logan definitely anticipated this, so he's been on best buy's website this whole time, ready to find laptops on sale / schedule an appointment to get patton's laptop fixed

and uuuhhhh yeah :) pen pals to friends to lovers long distance moxiety, with background probably-qpr logince because that's the Vibe i'm getting. with bonus best friends prinxiety and familial logicality!! thanks for reading :D 

[fipindustries]

list of comics i made so far

i already shared the list of all the novels i tried to write throughout my llife so i see no reason why not to do the same with the comics i tried to work on. no i should clarify, with my lists of novels there was a clear cut distinction between what was a novel and a short story so to parse one from the other was an easy task. it should be known that i wrote hundreds of shorts stories that i havent shared with anyone. now a similar situation occurs with my comics, i have done hundreds upon hundreds of little comics, short jokes, little skits and short lived strips through my life, so in order to give this list some weight and not make it longer than the bible the criteria i used was that it had to be something i did on a regular basis or that tells a self contained story with a beggining middle and end.

now without further ado, lets begin!

spike Vanderville (age 7)

you can tell i was way more into comics than i was into novels from a young age. done with pen and folded paper, it was the story about a young kid called spike, whose design was heavily inspired by bradley from sticking around, who had magical powers which allowed him to manipulate reality. it was a mix of harry potter and a series of illustrates short stories that came in a magazine in argentina. his best friend was a scarecrow with a pumpkin head that he had brought to life, his archnemesis was a fat bully.

curiously enough i was so passionate about this project even though i had no idea what i was doing and no talent that i actually did like three full colored issues of it. my family was really proud of me. sadly those comics are completly lost to time

andrew and the monkey (age 10)

this was the classical story about a boy and his best friend the talking animal. one page comedy strips done in pen and paper. nothing too clever, just a way for me to try lame jokes mostly stolen from spongebob squarepants. not much else to it. i tried to do like a revamp in 2014 but it was short lived, as you can see the jokes didnt get any less lame

FIP industries (age 17)

mostly done in digital. yes as you can see fip is something that has followed me my whole life in quite the variety of mediums. there were as a matter of fact multiple attempts to make this comic a real thing but time and again they would peter off as i saw that my skill was just not up to the task. i think i have talked more than enough about fip industries on this blog, one interesting thing is that if you follow the link you will come across a lot of proto ideas that i had before they cemented and took their definite shape in the novel (and even after the novel i kept retconning and retooling things over and over again, fip industries is an ongoing thing that will probably last my entire lifetime)

Disregarding Reality I (age 20)

the first iteration of disregarding reality, a humorous strip done in pencil and paper, a fairly short lived affair, lasting no more than 3 months. the entire premise of the comic was an MRA activist and a feminist live together, they are friends, they argue a lot. remember 2013 guys? back when this whole politics bullshit truly kicked off online? this was before gamer gate, mind you. but by that point i had seen more than enough of it on tumblr and i was like “someone should do some scathing commentary with wit and penache” and that someone had to be me. mainly inspired by commics like f@nboys and el goonish hive and a thousand billion others that were so popular back in those halcyon days.

i got bored of it pretty quickly and it wouldnt be until three years later than i would finally decide to re-start the project but until then...

Strangers in the forest (age 21)

here comes a rather productive era in my ouvre, ink and paper, based on a short story i wrote, its about an eldritch monster pretending to be human and a ghost girl, killed by her father. they have a dispute because the monster wants to eat the corpse of the girl but the ghost doesnt want to give up her bones because its the one thing that tethers her to the mortal plane. they eventually resolve their dispute. by this point i was actually, unironically trying my best to do comics which i felt looked professional.

Song of a nightmare (age 21)

another one based on a short story i wrote. ink and paper, a private detective wakes up in the middle of the night and sees a mermaid lying in bed next to him. he spends most of the comic trying to figure out how the hell is this possible. still one of my favourite ones and certainly one of my family’s and friends favourites as well. a rather poetic tale, strongly inspired by argentinian fiction and their propensity towards magical realism, i was reading a lot of cortazar back then.

Aika (age 21)

as you can tell i was on a fucking roll that year. ink and paper, this was a story based upon a simple and basic idea that i had in my mind for years and years. i always liked the concept behind the movie “the kid” where bruce willis mysteriously comes across himself as a kid. so of course one day i came up with the idea, what if you recieved a visit from your future self... but she was a woman?

this is probably the most aggresively trans story i ever wrote in my life, it is literally about a guy realizing they are trans and breaking down over it. here is the giant kicker, i did not realize at all what i was doing. i was completly unaware of what was going on here, i was still deep deep in the closet and not even realizing i was there. it really is astounding the honesty and the rawness with which i wrote this comic and it went all over my head. a perfect example of “im such a great ally lol”

oh also there is time travel i guess. my main impetus (beyond whatever my subconcious was forcing me to do) was my desire to make a complete clusterfuck of a story, i was a huge fan of homestuck, i had read fleek and demon, i wanted to do my own take on a hypercomplicated time travel puzzle plot. other things came out on top of it but i didnt noticed them. fucking hilarious

Hello Agatha (age 21)

a comedic strip about a wacky pixie dream girl having wacky adventures with her wacky friends, one of which is a man with a toilet for a head. what a gut buster, what a knee slapper!

there is not much to say about this one, wacky surreal comedy was always my favourite and so time and again i would try my hand at it but it is surprisingly hard to do!

The /co/ ventures! (age 20 - age25)

an ongoing project done in multiple mediums. i think i said more than enough about this in here and here. it was me practiscing comics, practiscing my humor and adding my tiny grain of sand to the 4chan culture. i am proud to say these comics were actually very well liked there and that i would be recognized without a name or signature of any kind, just on the strength of my style.

the vest kind of madness (age 22)

probably one of the projects in which i put the biggest amount of effort to make it look professional. traditional inks and digital colors. a crossover that i cant believe never happened in comics considering how obvious it is. Rac Shade, the changing man and delirium of the endless, the two flagship vertigo characters associated with madness. clearly a match made in heaven.

to this day im flabbergasted i seem to be the only one to think of this.

Disregarding Reality II (age 23)

another work where i have already spilled rivers of bytes explaining my thought process behind it. after having a no good, terrible, very bad day, finding my self aimless and without purpose, deep in denial and depression, i decided to give my self a big project to have something to get me out of bed every day. these three guys came from the depths of my mind to save me.

this time leaning a lot more on silly humor and surrealism than political commentary, still insanely proud of how much i managed to make this last, almost three years, well over 200 pages! and in here i found the inspiration and the creative energy to tackle all sorts of diverse projects of which we are about to see all about.

Mama Bird (age 24)

my masterpiece.

by far the best comic i ever did. a kid with a bird for a mom. hilarious, touching, heartbreaking. it was a concept that i had come up with when i was 21. back then it was supposed to be exclusively a humorous comic strip but then i found a dramatic angle for the story and that was when everything clicked into place. that was when i realized this was a comic i had to do. and i did it. it took me five months but it was well worth it. still insanely proud of this one

Soft boys (age 25)

a weird experimental little story where i decided to sit down and deconstruct one of the most popular superpowers. super elasticity. more akin to me just mashing my toys against each other than me trying to tell a serious story. i am actually really happy with some of the art here and some of the sequences presented. particularly the final one where a brick joke twenty pages in the making finally pays off.

Hexen Snatch (age 25)

a semi spinoff to my novel FIP industries, we focus on a side character that managed to survive after the events of the novel and how they’ll manage to survive further beyond that. insanely soaked by the magical world of pact by widbow i wanted desperatly to share my own take on magic, every page is accompanied by a little text where i expand upon the lore and the way magic is supposed to work on this world. i really like the prose on those snippets and the ideas they work almost more that the comic itself with which i was not happy at all when i was working on it. i didnt like the character design, i didnt like how the art in general was coming out, i didnt like the pacing of the story or how superficially we were getting to expore this world in the comic proper. i had to take a very long hiatus just to accumulate the will to finish the comic and once i did i feel it really petered off without much of a satisfying payoff.

on some level i blame the exhaustion and frustration that i came out of this comic with for the fact that i ended up quitting disregarding reality soon afterwards.

Maxplosive (age 26)

another project that has followed me across multiple mediums. came up with an idea for a videogame back in 2015. saved it on the back pocket for a while, used it as a story within a story on my novel fan.tastic, practisced a couple of animations with the characters and eventually decided that, if my skills at videogame making were not enough, i had at least more than poven myself as a comic artist so maybe that was the definitive medium in which this idea would have to exist.

the original idea was to tell the story in two parts, the first half would introduce the character and the videogame as if the comic was a playthrough of the game. all fun and childlike and innocent. then the second half was meant to explore the life of the main character as an adult, how being “a videogame protagonist” had ruined her body, her mental health and her life. i tried all sorts of weird stuff with the format here, using reciclable assets, static camera angles and generally presenting the whole thing as if it was a videogame.

sadly the project got too big for my breaches, i was fucking exhausted back then, swamped with a bunch of other projects, my job, other responsabilities, unsatisfied with the story and with no idea where to take it. eventually i got tired, decided to skip a day, then the day became a week and then the week became a month and by then i had to face the facts, i was just no longer able to continue the comic. and so i quit not only maxplosive but disregarding reality all together.

i still did the occasional comic here and then but it wouldnt be until the very end of 20-fucking-20 that i was finally inspired to tackle a new project, my newest one, my last one....

Lapsarian (age 27)

an interesting experiment, i decided to do the whole comic in one sit and then post it chapter by chapter on a weekly basis. a surprising result of this was that i managed to do in one month the same amoung of pages that would have taken me 5 months back when i started disregarding reality, is good to see that after al this time i still got it.

took me a while to get the hang of it again and find my own style once more but once i armed up it was smooth sailing for 40 pages all the way to the end. but what is this comic even about?

its... weird, with full disclosure and no shame, it is mostly a fetish story about big lizard creatures commiting vore. the milkman had already shown me that i could do those types of stories and no lighting would come from the heavens to strike me down so i said, why not as a comic? i like to think that beyond the fetish content it is still a decent story in its own right, an interesting feedback that i got from this is that people are suprised how earnest it is, one saying something like “this is the best pitch for a fetish that i was never interested in”

Conclussion:

looking back on this im surprised, turns out i was a lot more prolific and working a lot more regularly than i expected, in here are documented ten years of creative output that never seems to wane. it was fun to do the roundabout trip and see how my style, my technice and generally my work ethic evolved through the years. another nice thing to see is the multiple formats, the multiple tools and mediums i experimented with, i find myself constantly trying new things, new methods, new angles, new interesting ideas for how to make a comic (without even getting into what to make a comic about).

something i always knew about myself was that drawing is a fundamental part of who i am, it is something that just cant be taken away from me and that will always be a part of my life one way or the other, is good to see it so plainly, in black and white, on this list. here goes for what i might be able to do in the future

[usedtobeyours]

try hard dick energy: a fairytale

try hard dick energy got his nickname after almost 3 months of me seeing him

he used to be soft dick energy first. 

we met through friends, as i usually like it to go. 

on a regular thursday, we started chatting and we kind of fit. his music seemed to be a perfect match to my favorites. i listened to his playlist that whole week. 

a week later we met at said friends’ home, on the day before a holiday. 

my first impression was meh. but than again, it had been over 5 months since i even kissed another guy. 

conversation went on, and my thinking was: wow, i can actually be friends with this dude

then we got drunk and he ended up waiting for when my friend went to the bathroom to kiss me. again, a meh kinda kiss. but again, 5 months. it still felt nice, butterflies and all. 

i was on my period, maybe day four of it. after my friend went to sleep, we started drunkenly making out and he tried taking my clothes off. i was like no, no way, i have my period. and he said he didn’t mind. i wasnt sure i did. 

then, a call that was just the best to get. friend #2 coming home from a date. we chatted on the dining room and i tried keeping her there for as long as i could before she started bobbing her head. to this day, he swears i was making faces at her for her to leave. that’s certainly not how i remember that. 

she went to bed, we made out for a while, i took my menstrual cup out and we fucked. and we slept just as we were. i don’t remember much, but i do remember him saying: “was it too fast?” and like a good girl, i said it didnt matter. that’s how he got his soft dick energy nickname as i retold that story on the day after.

oh, the day after. we slept at around 6, and he was out of the apartment as i was still sleeping. my friends and i wanted to go to the beach, but that part of the story doesn’t matter much for this tale. we talked. and talked.

on thursday, two days later, i was headed to my guy best friend’s house bringing my other best friend - #1 from the first story. he picked us up from her place - his place was closest to my guy best friends house, but he did it anyway. we sat, and we got high, and drunk. we made out whenever everybody wasn’t around. i had to teach him that people don’t smoke inside people’s homes without asking - and in the window. duh.  

he then left for a weekend away with his friends. it was the first time i missed him, and i spiraled into a weird depression mood from lack of attention. that’s how needy i was. am. 

from then on we didn’t see each other for two whole weeks. he traveled, then i traveled, and weekdays were never his thing. we still talked everyday, and kept up with each others lives. we shared stickers, and said we missed each other. just the weird 16 year-old romance i yearned for. 

we met again three weeks later. he really wanted to go to my girl best friend’s house, but she didn’t really want him there. we went for a beer on the beach - which turned into 6 really quick. by 10 pm, he forced his way into my girlfriends’ house, even though she didnt want him there. we made out a bit, and he left. i was so in love.

then the chat continued slower than before. carnaval went by, he didn’t want to join us for it. i moved, he didn’t want to come by. we seemed to chat, but it always revolved around him. he took up 3 weeks of my therapy sessions, but i kept chatting. it was good. it filled up my neediness - and my time. it was like a long distance relationship. weekends were lonely and kind of sad. my luck is that bracco was in rio, and i was getting to know noemi. they kept me busy. 

he moved into a new apartment. it was around his birthday. i think it 15 days that we didnt see each other, but it felt like a month. that day it was all SO clear to me. 

you invited me over to your place. i hadnt seen you in forever, but you said i shouldnt bring anything. i drank a beer on my way there, out of nervousness. i also brought you m&ms. your roommate was wearing a bra in the living room. she was nice, we drank beer, smoked, and chatted. it felt weird. and then, she came up with the whole depressed comment.

let me explain: we were talking about her sabbatical, she wanted to go away for a year once she was 27. i was sharing resources and a bit of my miami experience. she then said: “oh, miami. thats where you got depression”. as if depression was something you catch. as if i told her about it. as if you told her about it and she felt we had a relationship where she could just bring that up?! not sure. i was weirded out for the rest of the night. at some point, you brought me into your room and kissed me. i couldnt really get into it. you said: “we dont have to do anything”, but you kept kissing and groping me. it’s not like you backed off and said: “whats going on?”

so i caved, and we fucked. and it was mechanical. and short. and plain out boring. i left 20 minutes after, and you seemed to be happy i did. 

my brain was a mix of feelings. i was in love, but then everything about that night was so fucking weird. being with you felt weird. the next day, you were weird too... i tried calling, but you called me back right when it was bbb time. 

and i was talking to noemi in the balcony, and it was a whole thing about not being available for people who dont show themselves available. we didnt talk again until saturday, and i decided to cut you off for good. i unfollowed you on social, unfollowed myself from your page, deleted your number. it wasnt until wednesday that you realized and reached out. 

you were all: we havent talked to each other in a week, and im also to blame for that... and so i told you i was upset about more than one thing that happened on wednesday, you exposed me to your roommate and i felt invaded. so i decided to pull myself away from this relationship. you apologized, but took no responsability for the rest of non caring. and thats what i wanted. so i cut you off. 

it was two weeks, and two therapy sessions in which my therapist said i should have talked to you before cutting you off. and turning you off was good: i started focusing on shit that mattered to me. 

but then i rethought it all. and i said, maybe we should have a grown up conversation. so i followed you, and opened up the conversation again. you said you were happy - you never thought you’d hear from me again. 

but you did. and i told you i was open for talking, and for getting things back as they were. you said you were too, but then you disappeared for two other weeks. 

and i felt done. over it. truly with no intent to see it moving. conversation was off and on. until last week it took on again. and we chatted for two days before you suggested a visit to my place. i was okay with it, cause then again, quarantine neediness is always present. and - for the first time ever - you were here on friday. you brought wine and condensed milk.

we chatted for two hours and it was boring as fuck. i hoped my roomies would join us. they did. and so did our friends. we drank and smoked and talked until 2, once again. but you decided to stay over, they went home, and it was just the two of us. 

i wanted to sleep. everything felt so fucking awkward. i pretended to fall asleep while you cuddled me. so fucking odd. i just wanted to me alone and starfish my bed while hovering all my pillows. and then you noticed i wasn’t up for sex, or making out for that matter.

you asked: are you still upset over my roommate?

i said no. why would i be? we talked it over and it’s over. do you want to talk about this still?

you said no. but you still felt something wrong.

and i said, yes. something is wrong. sex has never been good with you. i need you to have something we call pegada.

and you made an excuse once or twice. but somehow we hooked up again and you had pegada.

we fucked, and it was good, for once. better than “huh, i guess i had sex”

i fell asleep, feeling it was so weird to have you here.

i woke up to my alarm, got ready, and you wouldnt budge. i said i had to go, and you said you wanted to sleep in. i said i would be back in an hour, and i went to work.

you texted at work. you used my computer and god knows what you digged up off it. 

and then i came back, we had breakfast, and you didnt want to leave. we cuddled and watched a show. you tried kissing me but position was all weird. yet, it was good having you around.

you had a whole 2 hour meeting in my bedroom, in my computer. shivers. the whole time i was telling my roommate: the affection is nice, but oh no, im done.

and after your meeting we fucked gooood good. you got a promotion on your soft dick title. and fuck, i fell into it as well.

you left right after, as if you knew you got me hooked again. and again, chatting daily, you dont feel there. but we made plans for saturday.

mafe, mafe. why again. this boy definetly doesnt want you the same way you want him. yet you;re still there, as available as ever... i thought writing this might give me clarity. nope. 

[thegoldenavenger]

guess who watched given and immediately had to shove tony waist-deep into this fucking thing because [they forgot they already ”wrote” this au]

it’s me

unedited as always, light spoilers for given if you havent seen that and wanted to. 

anyways, tony stark is the high profile son of a business mogul based in LA because the mcu loves giving tony centric plot points to howard stark industries is capitalizing on the silicone valley fever.  after a major manic episode tony uproots his life and goes to school in new york, as far as he can physically move away from his stifling family and the pressure. 

tony’s done with building robots for his father’s business, he’s done being manipulated by the adults in his life and he abandons everything from the stark life.  he picks up a guitar, learns how to play it, and never looks back. 

tony finds he likes the life of a garage band.  he glides through classes and focuses on his fingering (not that kind) and absent-mindedly writing down notes for songs he doesn’t really think he’ll write. He really likes being that guy, bringing out a guitar and everyone groans but people request songs anyways.  besides, he’s never really been a fan of wonderwall. 

of course he plays piano, it was that or violin and his dad thought strings were for girls. he’s used to playing in front of a crowd, stiff collared and sweating under the calculating gazes of his parents’ party guests. just another new trick to show off. 

there’s something so indescribably different about playing guitar under cheap lights in a garage, the casually gathered crowd gaining interest and beer and his fingers feel like splitting over the strings of his instrument.  The noise, the whine as he coaxes his guitar to sing, amplified through speakers that thump with his bassist’s steady beat and he can feel the sweat slick down his back making his shirt sticky. 

tony’s lucky to have met the bandmates he had.  Pepper’s a riot on the drums and Rhodey is tony’s constant, reliable bassist and both of them have deigned to take him under their wing even if he’s less experienced and more annoying then they should have to deal with.  Being able to play with them, it’s more than tony could’ve asked for. 

he’s happy with his life, which is why he’s a little less than pleased when he runs into a short, scrawny blond holding a guitar with white knuckled fingers.  tony runs into him, and the boy jolts violently, the guitar slipping the grip like he’d tossed it. it’s a nice guitar, so tony instinctively reaches out for it. 

“why are you keeping the snapped strings on like this?” he asks, taking the chance to inspect the guitar. 

“Give it back.” The boy says. well, demands. Tony does nothing of the sort. Instead he straightens it out and sights down the fret board. 

“it’s a nice guitar, but leaving your strings like this is a bit--”

“I said: give it back!” 

The boy’s grip is surprisingly strong for someone so small, tony thinks distantly.

“Okay! No need to bite my head off about it,” He lets go of the guitar, but doesn’t leave quite yet.  “Look, these will work to replace those...” Tony digs in his bag for a second, taking out an unopened pack of his own replacement strings. Maybe not the exact match, but they’d do well enough. “Get them done as soon as you can, it’s a shame to see something that nice look like that.” 

He gives the packet of strings away and leaves. 

Tony doesn’t think much of this incident.  But he guesses he made more of an impact than he thought because now he’s been ambushed by the same blond boy.  

“Look, I can’t figure out how to change the string. Just show me!” 

“Can’t you, I don’t know? Youtube it or something?” Tony asks. 

“Don’t be an ass! I just--” Tony notices how startlingly blue the boy’s eyes are as he glares to the side. “I can’t undue the pins.”

It feels like pulling teeth, the way the words force their way past the kid’s lips. Like he’s spitting out something bad, admitting that he can’t do something. 

“I don’t have the right tools and I--I don’t want to break it more.” 

His fingers grip the guitar awkwardly, and Tony knows that kid hasn’t played even one chord before.  Probably hasn’t played even a guitar themed rhythm game with how unbalanced he’s holding the body.  

Tony rubs the back of his neck.  

“God, I don’t know why I tried!”

“It’s fine--” Tony blinks as he cut into the kid’s frustrated venom.  

“It’s fine,” he starts again, “I’ll help. Here.” He holds his hand out and is handed the guitar very reluctantly. 

He remembers his first snapped string. The shock, the sharp sting as it flicked against his hand.  But learning to play guitar was painful.  From the blisters to the muscle aches, the endurance. He finds himself smiling. 

He narrates what he does, his hands gliding over the sleek body of the guitar.  “See, you need to keep track of the pins. it’s easier with tools, I can lend you these ones I have an extra set. My name is Tony.” He shifts the guitar so he’s holding it properly, plucking a string and adjusting the peg.

“What? What are you doing?”

“Listen,” He says, as he twists a peg.  The blond gets that look on his face again, the squinty one with angry eyebrows.  Tony laughs, and strums the guitar. 

The chord comes out sharp and clear. 

“There you go, it’s all fixed.” 

Tony thinks it should be the last he sees of him.  Tony’s pretty sharp, so he noticed the graphite smudges on his fingers and the large portfolio on his hip. An art student.  There’s no reason to cross paths again when Tony’s classes are all music based and he should probably start paying rent for how often he’s fallen asleep in the computer labs.  

But apparently that kid isn’t finished with Tony. 

“Teach me to play this.”

Tony blinks. 

“I don’t even know your name.”

“If I tell you, will you teach me to play?”

Tony shrugs. 

“It’s Steve.”

Tony tries walking away. It’s not very effective. 

He can’t really dodge Steve, and finds himself followed all the time now.  Honestly, tony would be a little flattered if Steve didn’t look like he was swallowing a lemon every time Tony catches a glance at his face. 

To be fair, Tony is kind of relishing the attention.  He complains to Rhodey and Pepper and they both roll their eyes at him before they start jamming. It’s after one of these jams that he runs into Steve again. 

He’s standing outside the door, his face with angry looking eyebrows but his eyes watery. His face is red, he doesn’t have a jacket and Tony is getting reacquainted with the cold himself now that he’s let himself out of the steaming jam room. 

“Teach me how to play like that!” 

Tony tries ignoring him, but Steve is determined to follow him, even through the cold, dry night. Even when his breath hitches and his voice turns reedy.  

“Teach me! Teach-- Te--” Steve starts gasping every other breath and Tony spins around.  Steve’s flushed cheeks from the cold have drained away and now he’s pale, pale, pale. 

“Steve!” Tony stops, right there, his hands hovering over Steve like concerned birds, unsure where to touch. Steve looks, if possible, angrier than ever, still trying to speak even while gasping. 

“Please, Steve shut up!” Tony puts his hands over Steve’s mouth, he doesn’t know what to do. “I’ll teach you, or whatever, just! Do you have an inhaler or something?” 

Steve points to his bag, and after Tony is done rifling through it and hands Steve his uncovered rescue inhaler, he’s grinning the smarmiest grin someone having an asthma attack can possibly muster. 

Tony finds himself feeling distinctly played.  He doesn’t mind it as much as he should. 

Steve is an incredibly stubborn student and Tony is perhaps not the most patient teacher.  He grabs Steve’s hands more than once to force them into the right position and demands he try again, and again, and again.  It almost gives him flash backs, but Steve almost dares him to be less than serious about the lessons.  Like it would kill Steve if Tony treated him the least bit kindly. 

Tony brings him to his and Rhodey’s and Pepper’s jam sessions.  He grins and points and says “this is how a real rock star does it,” and plays with a loose fluidity he hasn’t felt in a while.  He sees Steve’s foot tapping and grins widely, like he’s won something.  He feels like he won something.

Steve learns the chords and how to read tabs and even how to restring his own guitar, though Tony finds himself doing it more often then not.  There’s something really endearing about the ferocious way Steve devotes himself to learning guitar.  

They sit next to each other, out of class but on campus.  Tony is demonstrating a fingerstyle more suited to an acoustic guitar even though Steve is learning on an electric. It sounds like shit, but they’re both grinning anyways.  

“Then what kind of music do you like?” Tony asks, shaking out his hand. 

“Just, you know. Stuff.”

“Come on, you have a favorite song, everyone does!” Tony says, blustering. “You already know what I like.”

“I wonder...” Steve says, trailing off. He stares into the middle distance for long enough that Tony is about to laugh to break the sudden tension and switch topics but Steve interrupts him. 

“It’s like...” and he humms something, his hand doing half-aborted conductions as he feels his way through a tune. He trails off and looks into Tony’s startled face.

“Did you, did you write that?”

“Not, I mean, not really. That’s just what came to mind.”

“Freestyle, just now?!” 

Tony can’t tear out his notebook fast enough, transposing the notes steve had hummed onto the page. Steve finally looks something other than stubbornly angry or determined as Tony pries him for another verse, to repeat this melody, to hum that again.

For once, Steve finds himself following along with Tony, watching as his hand rushes to keep up with their conversation, as the notes spill across the page and Tony grabs his guitar half way through to pick his way through half written melodies. 

Tony’s dark hair is short, relatively speaking. It curls at his neck. But his dark, dark eyes are the same and his eyelashes sweep against his cheek as he leans over to check his fingering on the fret. He’s sitting cross legged and when he looks up to grin at Steve, Steve is already walking away. 

“He’s a genius!” Tony starts as he barrels into the jam room. 

“Ohoh?” Rhodey laughs and Pepper dutifully plays the rim shot as Tony slides his carry case off his shoulder.

“I’m not kidding, look, listen!” he demands

tony does his damndest to get steve to write songs for the band.  he reaches out and compliments him and buys him lunch, and new pencils, and compliments him some more and well, he’s out of practice with the whole shmoozing thing now. it’s fun though, and tony thinks steve at least enjoys the attention. 

at least steve enjoys the attention enough to keep brainstorming with tony as they go through their guitar lessons.  steve has a certain way of composing, tony notices.  he pulls notes from the air that tony wouldn’t choose, but it compliments the way he and rhodey and pepper play.  still, tony can’t help but think the notes are being written for someone else. 

tony knows this life can’t go on the way it has been.  He’s been expecting a shoe to drop for years now. but he’d been preparing for his father to fly in and tie him back down to the californian mansion, or maybe someone from his past coming in to wreck his life. 

he’d been a mess before the move. even after it.  he’s always expected it to catch up, or for his touch to ruin the good things in his life now.  between being half in love with the three people who care about him, and spending too long hoping three thousand miles was enough distance to outrun his past, tony knew his number would be coming up soon enough. 

at least he’d been happy for a while. truly, genuinely happy. 

he was the son of a household name, popular in the tabloids for getting in trouble, and the internet was forever he’d been told.  so he was prepared for the past to come up. 

He had just been expecting it to be his past to come knocking. 

bucky barnes is tall, broad, and missing one arm. he’d be impossible to miss and yet somehow tony didn’t notice six feet of pure american beef stalking across the campus. it must be the arm, or lack of arm. maybe how he kind of hunches down to hide it? 

He approaches with only the sound of boots to announce his presence and Tony looks up startled, but it’s only Steve this man has eyes for.

“That my guitar, Stevie?” 

Steve has kind of locked up, his fingers white against their grip on the guitar. His face is turned away, but Tony can see the tenseness of his thin shoulders.  Tony isn’t good for much, but he’s not gonna sit back while Steve faces whatever this is on his own. 

“Well, I don’t see you playing it anytime soon.” Tony says. 

It’s like shattering a mirror, the moment Tony sees the threads holding Steve snap.  He looks at Tony with something like disgust as he jolts to standing. “I’m sorry,” he says, before bolting. 

He leaves the guitar behind. Tony knows it wasn’t him that Steve was apologizing to.

“Was it something I said?” Tony asks the air. 

Tony doesn’t know his name yet, but Bucky Barnes takes the seat across from him.  

“Might’ve been me.” he says, like a confession. 

turns out bucky barnes and steve might’ve been a thing. tony finds out through less than reputable means, but bucky says himself steve feels guilty about the accident that led to bucky’s hospitalization and amputation.  

he used to play guitar

the one tony’s been thinking of as steve’s.  

bucky’s hand is callused the way a working man’s is.  If tony tried he could probably find the places strings wore at until they hardened, but tony doesn’t try.  he can imagine well enough.  like he can imagine the summers spent listening to guitar plucked on windowsills or whatever sickeningly cute domestic childhood things steve and bucky got up to

and, because tony’s never been one to let himself go without a good rubbing in, he’s found a couple ancient recording on the internet of bucky’s old high school recitals.  he can hear the strings of bucky’s guitar through the tinny audio and though and suddenly he knows just who’s fingers the notes for steve’s song was meant for.

tony won’t let steve go without a fight. whether the songs were meant for him to play or not, tony wants to play them.  he wants the chance.  so he drags bucky into the band whether anyone wants that or not. 

bucky can’t play the guitar--right now, tony suspects with enough research and bugging of that cute radiophyscist that could change--but he still wants to reconnect with steve and it’s easy enough to use that to tony’s advantage.  bucky’s kind of a puppy once you get past the six feet some inches and what seems like solid muscle. 

tony takes him aside one day, with his guitar and set him down. “listen,” he says, and plays the skeleton of the song steve had been helping write. 

bucky blinks, recognition in his eyes and tony nods as he plays.  bucky gets it, tony thinks.  steve is supposed to be writing these songs.  he’s good at it, in a way that tony thinks he used to be good at things. like he was creating something worthwhile. 

“this is steve’s?” bucky asks, softly. tony doesn’t have to answer him.  “I remember. it’s familiar like... hmm, how did it go...” bucky’s hand twitches like his fingers want to find a fret board. “like... i never liked the winter / the cold never leaves soon enough / and i’m tired of waiting / for the sun to call your bluff... something like that...” 

Tony’s fingers have stopped strumming, and he stares at Bucky with widened eyes. 

“what?” Bucky asks and Tony whips his arms out, gripping Bucky’s shoulders as if to stop him from bolting.

“you can sing. no one told me you could sing.”

“well, it’s nothing much.”

“No, shut up.  it’s amazing. you have to sing with us.”

It’s almost harder than convincing steve to write with him was. but eventually tony has all his pieces lined up.  steve writing songs, bucky singing. him, pepper and rhodey doing all the hard work. 

tony can sing, but he’s never been drawn to it the way he had been with playing guitar.  RIP to his father’s weird brand of masculinity, but tony just liked strings. Still, he knew enough to help bucky strengthen his voice. to sharpen his consonants and find where his head voice and chest voices lie.  

he plays scales on the guitar and leads bucky through vocal exercises.  It’s like working on fingerwork with steve, only bucky’s got less of a temper.  He’s surprisingly earnest, taking criticism easily and turning around with the proper work.  tony almost feels out of depth with the ease he has coaching bucky.  

where steve would shove and huff and yell when he didn’t get something right, bucky would nod and clear his throat and ask questions before trying again.  steve would roll his eyes and grab tony’s card so he could pay for his half of the lunch. bucky would smile that half smile and thank tony when he picked up the tab. 

it was cute. 

or, well. 

tony makes steve play the scales for bucky and spends a couple weeks jamming with just the band.  he’s rusty, he says, too much teaching means not enough practicing.  bucky seems understanding if melancholy and steve’s face is stubborn as always. 

it’s while all of them are in the jam room that pepper announces they have a gig in two months.  

“it’s a good opportunity to debut some of the new songs we’re working on.” she says. 

“we should start doing group practices at least twice a week,” rhodey says, narrowing his eyes at tony.  

“ah, we don’t actually have lyrics for most of our songs.” tony says, haphazardly. 

“we have some, you can teach bucky those. or you can sing them like always,” pepper says, brightly. 

Bucky seems to perk up, catching tony’s eye. “you have songs?” 

“nothing that special,” tony says. 

“I’d like to learn them with you,” bucky replies. tony blinks. 

“two months is enough time to write lyrics.” steve asserts. “bucky and i have been working on them anyways.” 

“okay.” tony finds himself agreeing with the rest of them. 

They spend some times going through their set list.  Pepper and rhodey bring up some songs they like that bucky and steve will need to learn. they rearrange the order to accommodate the new song steve and bucky have been working on. 

tony bites his lips.  it’s perfect.  steve writing songs for his band. bucky singing in his band.  pepper and rhodey, perfect and constant.  tony’s hands on the neck of his guitar. it’s as perfect as it can get. 

tony’s glad that the impending deadline is at least forcing steve and bucky to come head to head.  he doesn’t know what happened exactly, to drive a wedge between the two in the first place. he doesn’t want to ask. he doesn’t want to know. but being forced to volley lyric timing and melodies back and forth is eating away at the distance between them. 

it’s also driving home the fact that tony’s the last thing on either of their minds.  he can hear it in the chords he picks out, that steve has written for someone else’s hands. and even though he isn’t going to school for literature he can read symbolism when the lyrics are as plain as what bucky’s been mumbling under his breath for hours now. 

“i thought you were done marching to someone else’s tune.” pepper says to him as steve drags bucky through another practice. 

tony shrugs his shoulders. “i think... i think i’m happy we’re all here. together. i think this is happier than i’ve ever been.” he looks down at his hands.  he’s got the calluses from guitar blisters like every other wanna be rock star, but his hands are rough for other reasons.  his knuckles littered with scars from welding, his thumb and forefinger smooth in the places he’d strip wires.  there’s a burn on his palm from touching something that hadn’t quite cooled.  

he might’ve loved building once. that could have been his life. but he’s sure he would have missed out on this: real friends, who cared about him. who wanted to play with him.  he’s not sure he would have had that, if he’d stayed.  

it’s happier than he thinks he deserves, really. 

the date of the gig draws closer and while steve has been writing and rewriting the song chords--and tony and rhodey and pepper all drag themselves through rememorizing the new versions--bucky hasn’t submitted any lyrics.  

it’s troubling but tony can’t help but feel relieved each time practice comes and goes without bucky’s voice rising in some new chorus or verse. 

each time, tony claps his hand against bucky’s shoulder and grins at steve and says, “you can do it!”

“why don’t you help?” rhodey asks one time and tony shrugs. “i think they need it?” he answers. 

and, increasingly, tony is sure he doesn’t want to help write someone else’s love story.  it’s bad enough seeing steve strike through the tabs tony had just played and know it’s because he wasn’t doing it the way bucky would’ve. steve keeps writing for someone who won’t play again. 

tony doesn’t mind standing in that much. a replacement is what he’s been his whole life. 

but having to sit next to steve and bucky and help spell out why they’re having such trouble? tony’s never been a saint. he can’t just say “you like each other!” without any thought to himself. 

ah. 

he thought it. 

“it’s fine, we’ll just use the instrumental version and lead with Star Driver.” he says. 

“I’m fine with it,” Rhodey agrees. 

“Well, Bucky doesn’t have a part in Star Driver.” Pepper points out. 

“Ah, then we’ll start with uh, Monaco, Bucky you practiced the lead for that one, right?” 

Bucky nods but Steve cuts in. 

“why can’t we do it as planned? That’s the way we practiced!”

“because we spent the whole rehearsal playing the same first chords waiting for someone to start. We’re playing tomorrow, there’s no more time!” 

steve, angry faced as always, steps forward like his short, skinny body was ready to fight tony right then. 

“what happened to ‘you can do it!’ did you not actually believe that?”

“Steve, c’mon...”

“we’re out of time! it doesn’t matter if i believe in you or not if you don’t follow up yourselves!” tony says. 

pepper looks to the ceiling like a prayer.

steve scoffs, “it’s not like you ever believed in us in the first place! you just take whatever new shiny thing there is to put in your band so you don’t get bored and have to fly back to california!” 

tony’s fist clenches and rhodey pinches his nose.  

“we don’t have time for this,” rhodey says under his breath but no one listens. 

“whatever.” tony hisses and spins.

the next day is fraught with tension as they prepare for the show.  none of them are willing to back out, even if they’re a mess. 

“did we decide on a set list.” tony asks rhodey.

“well,” rhodey trails off. 

“we’re doing it as planned,” steve interrupts. 

tony gives him an unimpressed glare, “well, i’m good enough at improvising, whatever actually happens.” he says. 

steve clicks his tongue and turns back to his guitar, tuning it. 

tony pulls a face. he glances up at bucky in the middle of it, and feels kind of bad.  bucky’s been nothing but nice, it’s steve that has a bee in his bonnet. but tony’s words probably hit just as hard if not harder for bucky. 

tony clenches his jaw. 

“Ah, Bucky, I...” He trails off as Bucky meets his eyes.

tony can sing. he even writes lyrics.  he’s the front man of the band, or was before he drug bucky into it.  so of course, after steve and hummed the song to him the first time he’d written some lyrics on the back of a napkin because he couldn’t get it out of his head. and when bucky had started outlining a sketch of verse, tony’d rewritten those lyrics like the impressionable boy he’d tried to grow out of. 

he just likes playing guitar more.  he’s always like working with his hands more than talking in front of a crowd.  but as the hot, heavy lights turn on them, and the crowd in the cafe all face them he remembers the first time he’d ever played.  not just guitar but anything at all. 

plucking the ivory keys of a piano, the discordant clanging echoing through the big house.  his mother had clapped and he frozen up, suddenly frightened at the thought of someone looking at him, of seeing him maybe fail.  his mother had slid into the seat next to him, her finger showing him where to hit. 

his father had swung in and scoffed, said if he was old enough to fool around he was old enough to actually learn. none of this coddling, maria, get the boy a real tutor. 

Pepper taps her drumsticks and lays out, her foot keeping a steady beat. Tony automatically joins in, his fingers following muscle memory.  tony’s used to the lights now, he even likes it.  the heat and the attention. 

he hears steve join in, the dual guitar melody working even though steve isn’t very talented yet.  Rhodey jumps in, the bassline smooth and grounding.  

They play the intro, then loop it when bucky misses his cue.  the second time they loop tony glances away from the crowd to see bucky, sweating by the mic. he catches steve’s worried eyes, sees white knuckled fingers again, and he takes a step forward. 

he gets close enough to bucky he can lean into the mic, and bucky jumps at his presence.  tony grins at the crowd. this is planned, he says with his grin and waits until the cue comes up again. 

“how did it go?,” he says into the mic, “i never liked the winter, i’m tired of the sun. as days go on, i fall apart, and i thought this might be fun.” he steps back from the mic and plays breathing in for the next part. 

“I never liked the winter,” bucky’s voice cut in, and if tony hadn’t been expecting it, well. “the rain won’t go away. but it’s fine, you see, because this is just the start.” 

tony let his fingers follow the frets as he leaned into the song. it was a mistake not to practice this. it was a mistake letting bucky debut a song no one in the band had actually heard the full version of. but tony hadn’t been lying when he said he was good at improvising.  

he followed steve’s lead well enough--hell, he knew enough of steve’s style he could ape a riff or two if need be.  and he’d written down enough of bucky’s half thought poems mumbled through jam sessions that he might well have had the whole song compiled in his notebook somewhere. 

He leans back in for the chorus as bucky’s voice swelled. “And even if you let go, there’s something holding on to you!”

the concert is a blur, with the stage lights and the crowd.  tony backs off as bucky finds his feet, manages to get back to his own mic and sing back up from there. it isn’t like he’d imagined. somehow, there’s room on this stage.  hearing bucky sing, for real, for the first time. it’s tugging something inside tony’s chest.  and even though the riff he’s playing wasn’t written for him he finds that there’s a flair here and there, a little space for him to improvise. 

there’s a place for him here. 

he can hardly believe it’s over, just the cheers of the audience that make him aware that his fingers have stopped moving and no one is playing any more.  it’s a rush to get back stage where rhodey and pepper clap his back and yell, and bucky and steve both look ready to have some kind of attack.

“that was good, right?” bucky asks

“good?” steve says, incredulously.

“that was amazing!” tony exclaims. he throws his arms over both their shoulders. “that was something else!” he grins back at pepper at rhodey who are hugging as well. 

“i want to...” bucky starts, then stops. 

“play it again, right?” tony says.

steve is the one who answers yes. 

“we will! we have to!” tony shouts.  he can barely stop from jumping for literal joy.  the sweat under his shirt makes the fabric stick to him when he moves and now that he’s not under the stage lights his skin is chilling fast but hell if he can focus on that. 

“i want to write more songs.” bucky says

“i want to, too.” steve says and they both look at tony, like if he tells them yes or no they’ll listen. 

like maybe they want him to have a say in this.

“i want to play them,” tony answers. he bites his lips. 

“i want to play songs your write for me. and, i want to play songs we write together.” 

he closes his eyes, his heart pounding in his chest. he can feel it again, the weight of someone watching him, the potential of failing in front of someone he cared about, 

“okay,” 

he blinks his eyes open. steve is staring, stubborn and determined, into tony’s face, like tony was a new fingerstyle he had to learn. bucky looked slightly confused.

“i did write the song for you... well, you and steve but--” 

tony inhaled sharply, looking at bucky for what felt like the first time in a long while. exhaling, he lowered his face into his hands. “nooooooo.” he whined. 

“this is why you can’t have nice things, tony!” rhodey yelled from somewhere behind him. 

“you’re always over thinking it!” pepper agreed. 

someone’s hands patted him on the shoulder. “i thought you knew, you were there when i came up with the first lyrics,” 

tony shook his head. 

“it was pretty obvious,” that was steve.

tony stuck a hand out to swat him, but found it caught instead. he looked up. “i guess it’s my fault.” steve said, “i’m not good at explaining things.” 

“neither am i.” tony grinned. “but i think i get it now.” 

“good”

[ofmara]

*record scratch* *freeze frame* yep, that’s me. BVCNJ hey lads ~ i’m ally, i’m twenty2, my timezone is est, i use she/her pronouns & full disclaimer: i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing! just keep that in mind when you read this.. trash lmao. anyways! if u wanna plot, feel free to hmu on d*scord at HE IS SO BIIIIG 😩👌🏼🧡#2581 or yk use the lil chat thing on tumblr if u wanna start small or w/e FDCNK no pressure. moving on..

mara’s pinterest: here!

content warning: ..none?? who am i???

( ariana grande & cis female. ) oh my god look, it’s mara de luca! she is a 24 year old singer/songwriter from queens, new york. they were first associated with the met cartel 3 years ago, and the tabloids are always saying she is so impulsive & irreverent, but their stans on twitter say that she is actually really magnetic & passionate.

first thing’s first.. i haven’t written a coherent intro in a fucking Minute, so i’m offering premature apologies for the shitshow that’s about to follow, especially since i really waited til the last second to type this out even if this blog’s been Done for a week smh ANYWAYS!

ok so! mara is what i like to call ‘a textbook new yorker’ in that she’s Loud, she Loves Her Family and she’s Unapologetically Herself. my character inspirations for her are joey from netflix’s the circle, fran fine from the nanny, molly gunn from uptown girls and a little bit of cher from clueless sprinkled in there ( mainly bcos of this gifset lmao ). since i came up with her a few weeks ago, i really had so many different personalities for her but like.. let’s keep reading to see that literally all of them were apparently Not True ~

she was born into a very tightly-knit family & grew up constantly surrounded by them. she’s got three older brothers, meaning she’s the Baby of the family, so she’s been uhhhhhh doted on all her life! we stan! that said, she’s never known what its like to be on her own, especially considering that her family was right by her side every step of the way as she slowly grew her career from childhood. she got her start singing the national anthem at a knicks game when she was 8 and slowly built from there. her parents were always suuuper supportive and did all they could to help her achieve her dreams, even though they were struggling to make ends meet.

her parents own a small bakery in queens that they started when her oldest brother was little and have been a staple in the city ever since. though they’re a somewhat popular spot for tourists and locals alike, ny real estate isn’t cheap, so paying rent both for the store and their apartment above it has always been a struggle, especially once they started dedicating a good portion of their money to plane tickets and agents and all sorts of necessities mara needed in order for her dreams to come true. the extra expense was difficult on her brothers as well, though they made a point never to complain when they had to get a second or third job to help pay the bills.

ANYWAYS she grew up veryyyy close to her family and the sacrifices they made on her behalf didn’t go unnoticed, so the first thing she did when she finally Made It was buy them a bigger space for their bakery ( since her parents Love working it even if its rough sometimes, buddy ) and a new house so ;) we love a Family First mentality!

HOWEVER!! when mara first moved to LA in like?? 2015 or something?? idk timelines.. but anyways when she first moved to LA she was.. how u say.... Depressed cos like even though she was Living Her Dream as the artist she’s always wanted to be ( she lived in queens w/ her family up until after her first Big Break cos she’s a big time daddy’s girl ) .. she was essentially on her own since her family stayed in nyc :/ yk, where they live? yeah. so she was on her own for the first time... Ever & it was scary and stressful and essentially, she wasn’t doing great mentally or emotionally, even if she put on that *ari vc* fake smile.

that was untiiiiiiil she got her first ~ hollywood boyfriend ~ aka someone famous who helped both with her career and as a salve to the constant loneliness the bitch always feelin. long story short, he didn’t last long, but she Needed to feel Wanted so she got Another ~ hollywood boyfriend ~ until it became, like, Her Thing to Always be attached to someone in the tabloids and the press and on Entertainment Tonight. we love a codependent bitch! that’s also kinda how she got to be part of the met cartel cos she immediately attaches herself fully and completely to everyone she meets & falls a little bit in love with every person who has ever said hello to her, so.. Yeah! most of her friendships were likely formed because she just would not leave them alone ( she’s clingy and needy As Fuck, but she knows she is, so she’s constantly worrying about it aka she’s always wondering if people really like her cos she’s been said to be “too much” and “annoying” by some people who.. weren’t interested in being her friend ) anyways.. feel free to lmk if u want ur chara to hate her cos she will fully have her feelings hurt but still want them to like her cos shes a, say it with me kids, people pleaser ~

its v clear why i thought of joey & fran for inspo ( espeeeeecially fran, now that i think about it: i.e. constantly searching for love, lovingly obnoxious ) but as for why she’s like molly gunn... bitch is uhhh naive as fuck and will trust anyone who is even a little bit nice to her so peep her constantly seeing everyone through rose colored glasses and immediately feeling like her heart is broken when they turn out to be someone completely different lmao! also yk in the little mermaid when ariel was like “but daddy, i love him!” ??? YEAH, that’s mara to a fucking T, m8!

i could quite literally go on and on for hours, but to keep it short and sexy, here’s her stats page & i’ll follow up with a list of some little tidbits of info.. some Quirks, if u will..

she hiccups when she cries & BOY does she cry often BVJNCDKM

cannot cook a single mf thing to save her life? yeah.. her parents wanted to let her work in the bakery but .. she burned everything so she was cashier ;)

can quote the entirety of bring it on: all or nothing & as a segue from that, she is very chatty during movies if she’s with even one other person but Silent when she’s alone

will challenge anyone and everyone to mario kart wii as long as she gets to play yoshi ( she has a vendetta against baby peach )

is Constantly Freezing, so she’s always in thick socks and turns the heat up high when she’s at home

has a cavalier king charles spaniel named piper ( yes, i'm using a fc for her dog )

i’m gonna b p selective with which ari songs she’s released both bc i dont like All of ari’s songs & for character purposes ( rip in peace, sweetener )

is classically trained on the piano and sometimes just plays classical music for fun, making up silly lyrics at parties and whatnot lol she’s just Fun & Quirky like that

owns every season of the o.c. on dvd

she has a car but i havent decided if she ever drives it ( or what kind it is, tho i assure u my virgo ass will be researching it at some point ) since she really just barely passed her driver’s test

is constantly in the tabloids for one dumbass thing after the other mostly as an excuse for me to make tabloid edits but like... i love that for her & will 100% be down to include any and all of u if u lmk u wanna be in one

and many more, but i’m really just sitting here rambling UGH EW so lms for plots cos i’m unprepared & i don’t have any wc’s! very on brand for me, i must say

[newcaptainofsquad9]

You aren’t just my leader- Lance x fem reader( Voltron legendary defender imagine)~Requested by darkknightsdaughter

“-note, Shiro isn’t the black paladin in this story, reader is. I know I’m sorry but I’ll give love to Shiro in more fics. Any way onto the fic!

It wasn’t hard to keep my composure, as the leader of voltron it’s been my job to, but now it’s been extremely difficult. We’ve recently broke planet Laeua from Galra rule, liberating it completely. It took many hard fought weeks, but we finally did it, and we’re praised for it, like when we first formed voltron. However this time it was different, Lance was getting the most attention. Sure, voltron’s a public image, but do they all have to latch onto him like he’s a hollywood heartthrob?

He’s giving him that upturnt, the same bravado that attracted me to him in the first place. He’s more than that, he’s not some celebrity they can latch onto.

“Y/N,”

“What?!” I let out a little too angrily, meeting a startled Allura as I turn to her. 

“Are you feeling alright?” The princess asks, touching my arm. 

A heavy sigh runs through me, “Yeah, just a little tired is all.” I manage to say, keeping my eyes on Lance and his little entourage of alien fangirls. 

Allura raises an eyebrow, following my gaze to Lance and back to me. “I can tell when Lance is being too,” She pauses, thinking of the word, “Lance.”  

“Yeah, a little too much like himself right now,” I mutter, crossing my arms. 

Allura steps closer, “Y/N, I’m here talk to me.”

I put on a smile, a smile similar to whenever we had to get through anything, galra related or not. “It’s nothing Allura-I just need to be alone.”

“Y/N,” Allura says, but I don’t listen and head in the direction of the castle. 

“Hey Y/N!” 

I hear Lance call, but I don’t listen to him either. If I faced him now, I wouldn’t be seen as the calm, collected leader of voltron.

...

A book, and a bunch of deep breaths on my bed eases my stress, but doesn’t kill my thoughts about Lance. Sure, we havent’ been dating that long, but he could have at least taken my feelings into consideration. If not as a girlfriend at least as the leader of voltron. 

“Y/N, are you alright?” 

I raise my head up and Lance is already in the middle of the room, still in his armor, fresh off of his gloating with his entourage. Of course he is. 

“What’s it to you?” I snap, sitting up, but away from him, turning so I won’t look at him.

“Ok? You’re acting more stubborn than Keith. I talked to Allura and she didn’t know what was wrong either,” Lance says, voice a little closer. 

“I’m fine. You, or Allura don’t need to worry about anything. I’m good,” I huff, trying to keep my eyes on the page.

“Uh, I’m supposed to worry. You’re my girlfriend,” Lance’s words trigger me to turn around, meeting his dark blue eyes. 

“Really? And you didn’t think at all about what I would think about!” I shout.

“About what?” Lance asks as clueless as ever. 

I scoff, “Wow, it seems you haven’t grew up at all-even after all of the hell we’ve been through.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?!” Lance yells, making me recoil a bit, but I don’t back down.

“You should know what I mean! You were literally flirting with the females of this planet!” 

My words silence Lance, this time he doesn’t look clueless but taken aback by them. He’s giving me the moment to talk and let out my feelings, something that I couldn’t have done in front of Allura, the people, Pidge, Hunk, Keith or anyone else. 

“Y-You made me feel jealous Lance. And I hated feeling that way, bottling it up-I’ve always had to keep it in for the princess, for you and the team to keep a clear head and I’ve sacrificed a lot for all of us! The least you could have done is keep yourself restrained a bit too!” I try to keep the tears from falling but they do.

“Y/N,” Lance sits on the bed beside me, but I turn away.

“L-Let me be-”

“I’ll never do that, look at me,” Lance whispers, lifting up my chin. 

He’s blurry from the tears, but he’s here, he’s always been at my side. Even when he was ordered to, God he’s so hardheaded. He wipes the tears away, his face clearer now, a soft smile gracing his lips. The one thing that I came back to, whenever Zarkon had me beat or when I had a tough time with the black lion, Lance was there. It’s so hard not to let him in, even when I’m mad. His foreheads pressed against mine abruptly and soon our lips meet. Lance’s hand fully cups my cheek deepening the kiss as I place a hand on his chest. We break apart and I catch my breath. 

“Y/N, you aren’t just our leader, my leader. You have feelings too,” Lance whispers, brushing a piece of hair from my face. “You shouldn’t just let them out, it’s not something primarily reserved for me.” 

“I-I just thought I had to be brave for everyone I-” Another sob breaks through, and I’m pulled into Lance’s arms.

It’s not just jealously, but the stress of fighting a war pouring out, along with the people we’ve lost along the way. 

[differentcollectionpersonaus]

Getting it out there

I have no idea what to write. I have so many plans and hobbies I want to become good at but its like im chained down with ankle weights. I want to become a writer, I also have a strong passion for art. But in the age of 18 I haven't been drawing as much as I should have so I could actually come as far as to how long I have been drawing. I have also written since I knew my letters. I think its awkward to write in my own language so I stick to English but my vocabulary is unbelievably weak and I try to read books in English but I can't focus on the sentences. I have that problem even if i'm reading Norwegian texts. Its hard. I know I just have to get up and write. For hours. Thats why im sitting here now. I fall in love with what others write and spends hours researching what others have to say about it when i could've used that time to improve myself.

I'm really scared to go out there where they are. I don't even have that much real life friends so how im i gonna make it in the internet? I don't understand anything. My dreams are so big and strong but i just walk on time. I have a lot of it. I'm in my younger years there is no rush. But then suddenly im older. Everything moves to fast and i'm not noticing it. I had the exact same thought four years ago and i still havent done anything. It's sad. I can sit in my bed. Have my laptop open and reading all these wonderful tips and looks at peoples book collections and art and I look up and see the dim light surrounding my desk. It's the perfect time to write, draw or play the piano. But i cant get up to do it. My bookshelf standing there with all my book waiting for me to pick one up and open it. And i don't. What's the point of reading if you can't even catch the words? Suddenly I am three pages in front when I realize I haven't paid attention at all. I try to go back and re-read it but it won't stick. Frustration and anger fills me. “why can't I do what i love so much?” At least what I loved. Now it's just a dark spiral of me standing there with all these directions and nowhere to go.

Still I think this is much better written than the other biography-character thing i tried. This is coming straight from my heart. It pains me that i'm like this. I want to start a small bookstore since no one of the other stores where you can leave your stuff in my area takes in old books anymore. I want to become a great pianist. Not necessarily for the stage but for the joy. The family parties and quiet moments for myself. I want to become an artist. Let others enjoy the pictures I create with my mind and some paper. I want to become a writer to show people my world and thoughts.

All the pressure about school and people telling me what i can't or shouldn't do doesn't help much. But luckily i'm not the one to lose hope. I want to do everything that i want. I'm ready to work for it. But i'm so unbelievably scared. I know I have people around me. That supports me. This is big and important to me. But i don't have any connections. I have no one to ask questions. I'm not the person to ask just freely on the net, even anonymously. I have no idea what i'm doing. I went to a lovely piano school where i learned a whole lot, but had to quit since we didn't have the money for it. Now my keyboard stands in my room collecting dust since i no longer know what I can do. I have tried apps and searched online but it's really hard to keep it up. I got myself a cheap iPad from my birthday money, and its great but i have lost all energy and motivation to pick it up and use it.

I have used a lot of money on my hobbies. Money that's just burning up because I can't control my will. One day that iPad is gonna break. No surprise but then, what did I use it for? Following my dream and doing what I intended in the first place or letting it sit on my desk untouched or just used for looking at the things I wanted to create. What about all the art supplies and pens i have gotten myself saying “this will do the trick” even if i know that it won't. Only I can do the trick only that i don't know how to manage it yet. Even if I do.. I don't really know what's holding me back. I know that if i fuck up. I can delete my account and start over as somebody else. Its easy but still my mark will be set, but even then they may not be able to find me. I know people can easily find me with some posts and a deleted account if they really wanted to. People have done things like that for less of a reason. I guess i just want to become part of something. I try several different things to see where I fit in. All I have ever wanted most in my life is a gang i can call my own. Not that im the boss but just that feeling of being part of something. I have never truly been together like that with anything. I have had friends but never many. Just one close friend at the time and their friends. I got further inn. I was just there because of my one connection to the group. I could call some of them friends but we never hung out together alone. I hate that. I want to be in a group where I can feel close to everyone. I'm really shy and anxious, especially on the net and over messages, but i have worked really hard for this.

I don't know how it got to my personal life but.. That's how writing just straight from your heart is. You never know how its gonna end. I could take this to a nun in some kind of mountain if I wanted to. That's one thing i love about writing. It can take you anywhere, and you don't need to go anywhere. Even better: I can take whoever reads this to my paradise. I can take you to a distant world that is my mind, just with some movements of my hand. I can tell you about a waterfall hidden behind a wall in the mountain and you`ll stand there with me with your own colors and and pictures. You and I cooperate to make one picture. I describe the scene and with your mind you fill in the lines and color the whole thing in whatever you want. I love that. I can help hundreds or maybe thousand create a scene in their head with my words and your minds. I like the sound of that. I know i'm not alone in this, and after sitting here, just spewing out words from inside of myself for the last 45 minutes I have realized that I can't write anything without help. Without people to read my stories there will be no picture. Just some small lines without color or pencil streaks. I know that even if that wasn't the case i still need you to read it, but something about that way of thinking can really boosts someones mind. Of Course I always have a picture of what my lines look like, but that's not the most interesting. I can sit here and speculate for hours of what that picture may look like and you can read that line once and have a clear picture of what it looks like.

I wish i could read better. I haven't manage to color anyones lines for a long time. Even of i keep buying books and hoping that one day I get to read them.It's quite silly and stupid really. I feel weak that I can't pick up anything that I love and continue to work my way up to love it more. I have gotten myself up to school and jobs that i hate when I just want to give it all to stay home and do what really calls my heart but then i get the chance and I don't take it. If i don't start now i may never get it either.

I don't know if I want to post this. I feel weak and ashamed of myself for not doing all the things I should have, but on the other hand maybe someone needs this. They can use my low point to get just a tiny step closer to their high points. It's a quite long post, but if someone actually reads it and find it helpful it will be more than enough for me. I just wrote this to get it out of my system really. It will maybe benefit us both. I have touched a lot of themes and parts of my life and thoughts so I think I will end it here. I feel drained in a good way. I haven't written anything like this in a long time and it was good to finally get it out.

[adhdbuzz]

(Quick note - I have copied this over from my main blog - this is my content...)

ADHD, Neurodivergence, Identity…

I want to start blogging about some of my experiences with mental illness and neurodivergence. Two words, that before this year, I would never of used in relation to myself.

One of the most fascinating and somewhat crippling aspects of learning you are neurodivergent, is becoming so hyperaware of your thoughts, actions, personality, wondering what’s you and what’s your diagnosis, (or what you are imagining/projecting because of your diagnosis). I likely drive my friends mad talking or joking about it, but it’s hard to articulate the complete upheaval that learning this about yourself creates. Suddenly your entire history and personhood is re-defined. You have to change your narrative. I spent most of my teenagehood and childhood feeling removed/estranged from the people and world around me. More than feeling an ‘outcast,’ I felt myself an alien. I believed (and felt that others believed), that I was incredibly lazy and did not have the drive to puruse my passions and potential. This left such a hole in my heart and self-confidence. Imagine that you have this great love for something - or many things, but can’t even motivate yourself to take one single step toward it. You lose interest in every hobby you’ve ever taken up and you don’t understand why you can’t just do the thing. It seems easy for everyone else? What am I missing? So you compensate. Suddenly (and very briefly), you are really into note-taking and study blogs and watching countless hours of videos on how to get organised and ‘change your life’ and you imagine what kind of person you could become.  Or you start every new year or semester with the goal to just stay on top of things, just remember, just write it down - everyone else does it? Why can’t you? Inevitably, that falls away.

What happens when you can’t maintain this? When suddenly those three assignments are due, you’ve dropped out of your class/hobby, you’ve missed another opportunity, avoided another goal and heard another person tell you, ‘you just need to get organised…’ ‘ you’ve got so much potential, you just need to apply yourself!’ “I don’t understand how you forgot/didn’t do the thing/didn’t write it down!”

I don’t think I can ever effectively describe the impact that this has had on me. There is something so devastating in not understanding there is something different about your brain during the really sensitive, formative years of your life. Because you end up spending so much time trying to work out why you are not like everyone else, why you struggle with things that most people find easy, why it is a constant battle to stay afloat, to have people angry with you/criticising you for something that you both feel should be in your control, but neurologically isn’t.  

ADHD is so severly misunderstood. It’s invisible and it is crippling. The image of the little boy in class who can’t sit still or stop talking is such a prevalent and damaging stereotype. Before I got my diagnosis and before I even had looked into ADHD, I spent hours researching what could be wrong with me and doing online ‘tests’. These ranged from anxiety, to depression, Bipolar, PMDD and Personality Disorders, (strangely enough, ADHD often exists alongside other mental illnesses and I was diagnosed with co-morbidities…) But I think this gives a degree of context to what undiagnosed ADHD feels like, because it’s not someone who wont shut up, or sit still. To me it feels like everyone else got a manual on how to be a person and I didn’t. Often times, it’s the depressed, anxious, struggling teenager or young adult, who feels so inadequate, who feels like an alien, who can’t even trust their own passions or interests. Who is in a constant battle to meet the expectations of themselves and those around them. Who’s socially awkward or uncomfortable, who’s disocciated, who can’t follow a conversation, or instructions, who suffers in loud spaces, who struggles with small talk, strangers, shopping centres, keeping themselves and their space clean, uni work, school work, chores, family, friendships, relationships, their identity, their passions, there interests, their personality, regualating their emotions

ADHD is so exhausting, because it’s a constant battle to just meet the base line. Every thing you do from the moment you get up, til the moment you are asleep (and even then) is impacted by it.

Say you have an assignment, and a couple of chores to do on one day. Not a big deal right? Ok so you set an alarm for 8am, except your brain didn’t turn off until 4am the night before, so you get up at mid day, you go to put the washing in, but you forgot to turn on yesterdays load, so you do that first, you go to make a morning coffee, you check the time, it’s 12.30 - where did half an hour go? I just got up?! (Time-blindness). You make your coffee and drink it while checking social media, which sucks you in, because your dopamine depleted brain craves stimuli! You check the time, its 1pm, you tell yourself you’ll scroll for ten more minutes, and that ten minute excuse repeats a few times. It’s 1.30 and now your angry, because why didn’t you have the self control! (Hint: you have a disordered executive function). You put your mug on the sink, promising you’ll come back to it later. You go back to the laundry, you realise you forgot to turn the dryer on. You go to do your assignment, you clear your desk, open laptop, but now you don’t know where to start - you can’t naturally prioritise tasks, or break down the individual steps that need to be done in order to complete an assignment, you must do this with the ‘skills’ you have actively had to learn from a coach, internet etc. It’s like trying to bake a cake with no measuring cups, or recipe! So now you are looking at the assessment outline, and what you’ve worked on already, and trying to close last nights 200 tabs of hyperfixation. You read the outline 5 times without actually reading it, on the 6th you try really hard, you’re fidgeting in your chair, it’s an almost physical pain having to sit there and read it. Your eyes feel glazy, there’s too many words and they look like a big smudge on the page. You quickly check messages (dopamine hit), you come back to the outline. Its been half an hour, you still haven’t started. It’s about 2pm, you havent had lunch or breakfast. You go make a tea and come back. Maybe you need backround music? You spend another 20 minutes finding the right playlist, except its not right because it’s either too stimulating or not stimulating enough. You find another playlist, or you go down the rabbit whole of some movie soundtrack you’ve been meaning to look at. It’s 2.45. The washing! You go back and finally get yesterdays load in the dryer and start the load you meant to do today. Might as well make another tea now that I’m up. Might as well check Facebook now I’ve been interrupted. I’ll start at 3.30. 3.30 rolls around, your sibling gets home from school. Noise, talking, lunchbox rattling, bags being unpacked. Distraction. The noise is painful, your executive function (the impaired part of the ADHD brain) is also responsible for emotional regulation. Suddenly you are so fiercly angry at the noise being made in the rest of the house. It’s so over stimulating it feels like sandpaper on your brain and ears, you feel sick to your stomach with rage, you are crying, sobbing. All because people in the other room are talking. You lay on your bed trying to calm the overwhelm and increasing stress at not having done your assignment. It’s 4pm. Mum asks why you left your mug out, or didn’t do the dishes (you were too busy thinking about doing the washing!) She notes the machine still going and tells you that you wont have time to put it in the dryer tonight, you’ll have to do it tomorrow. But you need those clothes for tomorrow, you’re having breakfast with a friend. You’ll have to reschedule. You message your friend, and repeat the standard script “god I am so sorry, I’m such a mess, can we do later in the morning? I’ve got to do chores…” they can’t reschedule, you cancel. You sit back down with the assignment. You fidget. It feels like a physical pain to have to sit there and force yourself to do it. You’ll do it tomorrow. You pack up, and get ready for bed, removing the pile on your bed back to your desk. Your sheets are unmade, it’s uncomfortable and you feel agitated. You’ve forgotten to brush your teeth, or clean your face. You scroll online, or hyperfocus on a new hobby, project, idea, that wont interest you tomorrow, until 3am. You set your alarm for 8am…

This is just one small example and snapshot of ADHD and the impact of Executive Dysfunction. Here are a couple of examples/descriptions of how it feels from the ADHD subreddit.

“Schrodinger’s ADHD: Everything is interesting and boring at the same time. Every subject, every hobby.”

‘The Two ADHD Moods: I can’t do it / I can’t stop doing it. The two types of ADHD time: Now  /  Not Now The two ADHD memory modes: I literally can not recall the words that just                                                         came out of my mouth  /                                                                                       I can recite the opening paragraph of                                                                 every single magic tree house book.’

I also want to talk Neurodivergence, as this is another misconception when it comes to ADHD. In the way that Autism, Tourettes, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia are all forms of neurodivergence, so is ADHD. ADHD is not a behavoural issue, but a neurobiological developmental disorder. ADHD also has many overlapping traits with Autism, (not to be confused as the same, ADHD is not on the spectrum). These include, sensory overwhelm/sensitivity, memory issues, hyperfocus/hyperfixation, interrupting conversation/trouble waiting in turn, issues reading/recognising social cues, stimming, perseveration, (getting ‘stuck’ on or repeating a thought, topic or idea, even if the conversation has moved on), and avoidance/trouble with eye contact.

To be clear, ADHD is not on the spectrum, a distinguishing feature between these neurotypes is the cause of the symptom. For example someone with ADHD may not recognise social cues due to inattention/overwhelm/impulsivity, where as someone with autism may struggle to interpret these social cues.

It is important for ADHD to be recognised as a neurotype, and not a behavoural issue.  When discussing ADHD traits with a neurotypical person, the response is often along the lines of ‘well everyone is a little distracted/unmotivated/lazy/forgetful/late sometimes.’ My response to that  ‘Would you say that everyone is a bit ‘socially awkward/shy’ sometimes to an autistic person? Or ‘everyone has trouble reading sometimes’ to a dyslexic person?’ I imagine the answer would be no, as it is understood that these traits are a consistent, uncontrollable and debilitating.

The more I have learnt and read about ADHD in the context of neurodivergence, the more I have tried to recognise the ways I hide or detract from my symptoms, by ‘masking’. This has included, taking on certain personas or feeding someone elses assumption about me as ‘the messy one,’ ‘the disorganised one,’ ‘the chaotic one.’ In the past I have almost embraced these stereotypes about myself, as it gave me a sense of identity, a framework with which to see and understand myself. Frustration and anger masked over-stimulation/overwhelm, I was not able to recognise the root of these feelings and I also learnt to fidget/stim in the ‘right’ way. When engaging in small talk with someone I am unfamiliar with, I often resort to mimicing or imitating how I have seen other people interact, speak etc and I am conscious of eye contact, (too much, too little?). I catch myself looking at people/staring too much and am constantly trying to gauge what the right amount is, where else to look, etc. I struggle a lot with taking turns in convesation, as I don’t always know where to interject, or I worry I will forget the thought, this has led me to just stay silent instead in conversations and present myself as serious, or elusive.

That’s really all I have to say for today. I think overall ADHD is far more complex and challenging than it is perceived to be, and these stereotypes are so harmful to people who have it and are trying to navigate not only their symptoms, but a world that is not understanding nor knowledgeable of the limitations and struggles of ADHD or neurodivergence.

I have a lot more to say on all this and will try and write more about this going forward. DM/comment etc if you have any thoughts or criticism of anything I have said. Disclaimer, I am still learning and may make mistakes regarding information, or discussing other neurotypes !

Here are some links you might want to check out if you have/think you have ADHD or you have a friend or family member with ADHD. I also highly, highly recommend the ADHD subreddit!

ADHD explained simply:

https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-adhd-symptoms-causes-treatments/

“ADHD is a developmental impairment of the brain’s executive functions. People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization.

“’Attention deficit’ is, some experts assert, a misleading name. “Attention deregulation” might be a more accurate description since most people with ADHD have more than enough attention — they just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency.”

Comorbidities https://adhd-institute.com/burden-of-adhd/epidemiology/comorbidities/ “The majority of adults with ADHD have a diagnosed or undiagnosed comorbid psychiatric disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment of ADHD.1-3“ ADHD and Autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/decoding-overlap-autism-adhd/ “A growing number of genetic studies support the notion of at least some shared causation between autism and ADHD. But imaging studies comparing brain structures and connectivity have yielded a confusing mix of similarities and differences. And some behavioral research has highlighted the possibility that outwardly similar features mask distinct underlying mechanisms. Inattention in a person with autism, for example, might result from sensory overload, and apparent social problems in someone with ADHD may reflect impulsivity. Perseveration https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/self-control/perseveration-adhd-and-learning-differences

“(Kids) who perseverate often say the same thing or behave in the same way over and over again. And they do it past the point where it makes sense or will change anything. It’s like they’re stuck in a loop that they can’t get out of.”

ADHD and social skills https://chadd.org/for-adults/relationships-social-skills/#:~:text=Social%20Skills%20in%20Adults%20with,their%20inattention%2C%20impulsivity%20and%20hyperactivity.

“Social skills are generally acquired through incidental learning: watching people, copying the behavior of others, practicing, and getting feedback. Most people start this process during early childhood. Social skills are practiced and honed by “playing grown-up” and through other childhood activities. The finer points of social interactions are sharpened by observation and peer feedback.

Children with ADHD often miss these details. They may pick up bits and pieces of what is appropriate but lack an overall view of social expectations. Unfortunately, as adults, they often realize “something” is missing but are never quite sure what that “something” may be.”

ADHD and stimming https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adhd/repetitive-behaviors-in-children-with-adhd-stimming-fidgeting-and-what-these-actions-may-mean/

“Many believe that stimming and fidgeting is reserved for those on the autism spectrum. However, it is now known that children with ADHD are just as likely to use repetitive body movements to self-stimulate. In fact, autistic stimming and non-autistic stimming are different. The main difference is that those with ADHD typically only use stimming for a short period of time while they are trying to concentrate. For example, someone with ADHD may stim for under an hour while those with autism will stim for several hours at a time. While stimming and fidgeting are typically seen as tapping or rocking, there are many other things that children with ADHD do to self-stimulate. There are actually five different variations of stimming, which include olfactory, vestibular, visual, tactile, and auditory.”

[dominicjamesjones-blog]

First Day Redo | Dominer

TAGGING: @pfabray @dominicjamesjones

DATE: saturday night

PLACE: nice restaurant and a surprise building

NOTES: Parker and Dom go on their first date since they broke up years ago. 

Parker didn't know what Dom had planned, but she had a feeling it was going to be good. She looked at herself in the mirror, one thing she hadnt really done except for when Quinn and her went out or Rocky and her. "This is ridiculous." She muttered to herself as she changed out of one of the dresses she had and stopped when she saw the dress she got from Myrtle beach. The one dress she hadnt dared to wear ever since they broke up. She chewed on her bottom lip as she grabbed it and slipped it on.

Dom was excited for his date with Parker. Things were going really well with her. Since he had been staying at Parker’s place he was getting ready in the other room for their date. He kept switching his ties and then went to the room and found Parked in that dress. He was taken aback. “I need help with picking a tie.” He said holding up the two ties. “You look beautiful by the way.” He smiled at her with love in his eyes.

Parker finished up her makeup when she saw him in the mirror that she had in her bedroom and turned towards him as she placed the makeup down. It had been a while since she had seen him dressed up, knew she was in trouble. "Let me help." She smiled softly as she walked towards him, grabbed the two and placed them on his shoulders. "Thank you. You look handsome, by the way." She looked at him, knowing that she was blushing and picked out the right tie for him. "Wear this one, it goes well with your suit and eyes. Mainly, your eyes." She could feel her heart rate race as she stepped back and cleared her throat.

Dom kept his eyes on her as she picked out a tie and she smiled. “Thanks.” He said softly. He turned around and put on the tie in the mirror. “I’m about ready. What about you?” He asked. He turned around. “You think we should call Lala one more time to check Avery?” He asked. He had spent the last couple of days with Avery, so much that he was getting attached and nervous about his sister babysitting.

Parker nodded. "You're welcome." She said. She smoothed down her hair then slipped on her shoes, smiled softly as she glanced up at him. "Im ready." She grabbed her clutched and her phone, slid it into it. "Dom, Im sure they're fine. We both trust Lala to babysit our daughter and Im sure Avery's having fun." She placed her hands onto his shoulders, knowing where he was nervous and straighten his tie a bit. "Unless you want to check on her then you can do that."

Dom nodded. “Yeah you’re right.” He shook his head. “No no tonight is about you and me and you’re right she’s fine.” He looked down at her and searched her eyes. “Okay lets go.” He took her hand and lead her outside to his car. Dom was planning on taking Parker on a nice dinner and a surprise afterwards. “I hope you’re hungry.” He said as he opened the car door for her.

Parker grabbed her clutched and followed him out to his car. "I am hungry, actually." She replied as she told him thank you and gotten into the car,carefully. She smoothed out her dress as she buckled up, placed the clutch into her lap and waited for him to get into the car.

Dom got into the car and he headed out. He had a reservation for an earlier dinner so he wasn’t too worried about getting a table. “It’s been nice spending everyday with you and Avery these past couple days. I’ve really been thinking about that house down the road” he said as he started out on the street towards their destination. “I’m thinking of getting it and have Lala move in too.” He said glancing at her in the passenger seat. “You think that’s a good idea?” He asked. “I feel like being closer with Lala I can kinda keep her in check a bit. I worry you know.”

Parker carefully crossed her leg over her other one in the dress and made sure it didn't ride up, it was shorter than what she remembered. "Yeah, it has been nice and good, you should get it." She glanced over at him then at the road. She nodded as she glanced back at him. "I think so, that way both of you would be close to us and I know, which I don't blame you because Im the same with Quinn even though she's the oldest one."

Dom nodded. “Quinn has a good head on her shoulders though. Lala and I got in so much trouble as teens and I don’t think she ever grew out of that. She still goes out to party all the time.” He shrugged. “I just hope that with us living together she will mature more you know.” Dom glances at Parker once more and smiled. He couldn’t help it. He was still so in love with her and all he wanted to do was be with her. He had to get that trust back. After a while and some traffic they made it to the restaurant. He opened the door for her as they went inside and up to the hostess. “Jones, Dominic” he spoke. Dom put his hand on the small of Parker’s back as they stood there.

Parker slowly nodded as she rose an eyebrow. "True and I was like that as well. That you guys did and I didn't know that." She replied softly as she itched the side of her nose with her fingernail, carefully. "I know and Im sure she will, since you'll have Avery as well." She glanced at her fingernail, hoped that she didn't get any makeup on her fingernail or messed it up and let out a breath. Once they were at the restaurant, she thanked him and took in the place. "Wow." She whispered as she glanced around, swallowed some and felt his hand on the small of her back, felt strangely calm.

Dom smiled at Parker and he walked with her as they followed the hostess to their table. He sat down opposite of her in a booth on the side of the restaurant. It was nice and private which was exactly what Dom and her needed. He looked over at her. "It's a cool place huh?" he asked. "The owner is one of my student's parents and he kinda got me a deal. Apparently this place gets really packed during this time of year" he nodded.

Parker nodded as she placed her clutched next to her on the seat, made sure her dress didn't rid up and glanced down as she fixed the top of her dress. "It is and really? Wow, that's nice of him to do that." She said as she looked at him, suddenly aware of what she was doing and placed her hands on top of the table. "I don't bet it, look at this place. I bet it cost a lot to come here though."

Dom picked up his menu and he watched her. She seemed nervous. "Yeah it's really nice. I think he was grateful that I got him out of PTA stuff so he was going to repay me." he looked at her. "Don't worry about money. You can get whatever you want okay?" he said as he opened up his menu. "Are you nervous?" He asked bluntly.

Parker raised an eyebrow as she looked at him. "Is PTA really that bad like everyone says it is? I thought it was a urban legend that it was bad." She asked and let out a sigh. "Alright." She glanced at the menu as she opened it up. "A little bit, but I'll be cool as a cucumber." She gave him a smile and looked at the options for food and drinks. She bit down on her inner cheek as she scanned the menu, flipped the page and not really knowing what to get.

Dom laughed. "it is. It's just extra stuff that parents do for the school. I mean most of the time it's the wives that do it but some times the husbands get roped in and its just most of them wanna drop their kids off and pick them up and not have to chaperone dances and events and stuff like that." He smiled at her and laughed a little. She was the same old Parker that he fell in love with. Adorable and and sexy all at the same time. "I think I'll probably get steak. I've been craving it lately." He said as he flipped through the menu. A few minutes later the waiter came over to take their drink orders and Dom just got a water tonight. He looked over at Parker, "are you ready?" he asked.

Parker made a face and shook her head. "Yeah no, Im not gonna be part of the PTA. Those women can be feisty over one single thing and they make your life a living hell besides. Im sure everyone loves you and why would I get involved when you're already apart of it? Wouldn't it be a conflict of interest?" She asked, not knowing any of the rules and glanced back at her menu. "Besides, you know how I am whenever someone says that my baked goods isn't up to par. Like sorry Susan, but you're wrong. They're up to par, you just have bad taste buds from being at the country club for too long." She closed her menu and placed it onto the table as she relaxed against the booth. "With mashed potatoes or baked potato?" She raised an eyebrow. She ordered herself a water and nodded when she looked over at him before she looked up at the waiter. She ordered the Chicken Parmigianino and with green beans with mashed potato as she handed over her menu.

Dom laughed. "No I just mean like for other parents. Like my students parents. I wouldnt want to be involved in it either." He shook his head. He laughed and shook his head at her joke. "Yeah Susan what are you thinking" He said smiling and rolling his eyes. "Mashed. Loaded. Duh" he smiled. Dom handed his menu back to the waiter and he looked over at her. "So I hope you like the surprise tonight" He said. "We havent done this in so long its nice to just be on a date you know. I miss it"

Parker made an oh face as she listened and laughed a bit. "Oh, I totally get that then." She shook her head and shrugged. "That's what I was told by someone back home. It was horrible." She nodded. "Then be prepared for me to steal a bite or two." She gave the waiter a smile and looked over at Dom. "As along it doesn't jump out at me, Im sure I will." She swallowed some as he spoke, placed her hands in her lap. "No, we haven't actually and it is nice, me too. A lot." She glanced around, making sure they were the only ones around and looked back at him. "Its also been nice having you at the house, even though its only temporary."

Dom “people back home are wrong then because I love everything you bake.” He smiled. “and I’m not just saying that because I love you. It’s just that good.” Dom smiled and he nodded in agreement. “I’m happy to be there.” He paused for a moment. “So I know we wanted to talk but I didn’t know if you wanted to talk over dinner or later?” He asked. “The surprise we will have time to talk though if you want. It’s laid back.”

Parker nodded as he spoke and shook her head. "Not everything though." She pointed out to him. "And Avery's happy to have you there too." She shrugged a bit as she looked at him. "We'll talk later."

Dom nodded. Their food came and Dom immediately dug in. They ate and chatted, feeling like old times with her. He picked up the check and stood up. “Okay we have just enough time to get there for the surprise.” He took her hand as they walked out of the restaurant and towards the car.

Parker glanced down at their hands together and mindlessly interlaced them, feeling the familiarize of his hand. She kept in strides with him towards the car, once they were there, she thanked him before she slipped into the car.

Dom started up the car and he drove to the special place he wanted to take her. They made their way up to a big building and he took her hand when he opened the door for her. “Come on” He lead her to the front door and looked over at her before opening up the doors. It was an empty building but Dom had the keys for it. “Come on I wanna show you the roof” He lead her upstairs and opened the door. Upstairs was a little blanket set up on the edge of the roof. “Come sit down.” He sat down with her and nodded towards the sky. “Any minute now.” Dom had taken her to watch the Disneyland fireworks. He thought it was romantic but little did Parker know he had a much bigger surprise in store as well.

Parker confused why he wanted to show her the roof and followed him to find a blanket on the edge of the roof. "I wish I was dressed better than I am." She replied as she sat down next to him, glanced over at him and looked at the sky. "Did you get one of those airplanes to say, Im a bigger nerd than Parker Fabray, because that'd be awesome." She teased him. She couldnt help it, things were going great for them and so she was getting comfortable around him again.

Dom laughed as he sat next to her. “No!” He smiled. “And we already know that I probably am a bigger nerd but I mean come on.” He shrugged his shoulders. Soon after speaking the first firework lit up in the sky and boomed loudly. He looked out quickly and smiled. “Those are the disney fireworks.” He said softly and reached over to grab her hand.

Parker laughed as she nodded. "You're the bigger nerd for sure." She agreed and raised an eyebrow, amazed on how good they could see them. "Dom." She placed her hand in his as she looked at the sky, couldn't take her eyes off of it and swallowed some. "Those are beautiful."

Dom looked at Parker as she looked at the fireworks. How her face lit up every time a firework went off and he was falling more and more in love with her. After a few moments her looked back at the fireworks. “I was gonna propose that night.” He said softly.

Parker felt her body tensed a bit and felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach before she glanced at him. She took in his features as she search for what to say, knowing that they could've had it all. A family, being married to each other, raising Avery together, being happy and not apart or hurting. "W-what?" She asked as she gotten up carefully and walked away as she rubbed her chest. She placed her free hand on her hip as she turned around. "You, you were going to propose to me? That night?"

Dom frowned when she stood up and he stood up with her and walked towards her. “I’ve never been more nervous than I was that night and that’s why I made those horrible decisons. I know it’s not an excuse. I fucked up but that’s why I didn’t tell

Dom rowned when she stood up and he stood up with her and walked towards her. “I’ve never been more nervous than I was that night and that’s why I made those horrible decisons. I know it’s not an excuse. I fucked up but that’s why I didn’t tell you that night.” He looked at her and walked closer taking her hand. “I’m sorry.” He said softly. “I’ve never regretted anything more.”

Parker looked at him as he spoke, letting him take her hand and stayed where she was at. "But you still chose to take molly and maxed out your credit cards and got so wasted that you passed out." She paused as she looked at him. "Nervous or not, you should've never done that and could've talked to me about your nerves." She knew that she had to come clean about that night. "I probably already told you this, but um. I was going to tell you that I was pregnant with Avery that night. I drew a picture of you, wearing this number one dad shirt while having a kid on your shoulders and underneath it, it said that I know that we're young but we're having a family and I know that you're going to be a great dad.' It took me hours to get your mouth just right and it fell out of my pocket when I left your hotel room."

Dom nodded. “I know that.” He said. “And I’ve regretted it everyday since.” He said softly. He frowned and widened his eyes. “I saw that when you left but I didn’t understand it.” He walked towards her and took her hand. “I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you Parks.” He said softly and touched her cheek. “You’re the most important person in my life, now you and Avery and I never want to make you feel that way again.” He said. Dom looked into her eyes wanting her to say something.

Parker swallowed as she felt him take her hand and let out a breath as she thought about what he had said. She had to let her guard down around him, or they would never get back together. "I forgive you, Dom." She replied softly as she looked at him and closed her eyes for a bit as she placed her hands on his shoulders before she looked at him once more. "But, you need to be a stable person in our lives. Someone that won't just disappear on a whim, just because you got scared and freaked out all of sudden and I want you to know that yeah I know that Avery and I are the most important people in your life and we love each other, but I don't want you to feel like you have to wait around forever for me to trust you again." She paused as she looked at him. "I know that I've said that once before. If you want to go on dates with someone else then that's fine, I get it. You're a ruggedly handsome guy who's single and I know that you only want me but what if one morning you're going to wake up and be like, I don't want to do this anymore, even though we both know that you wouldn't be like and now Im just rambling because its me."

Dom searched her eyes as she spoke and she was starting to do that rambling thing over and over. He nodded in agreement knowing he had to get his act together for good if he wanted to stay in their lives. He frowned a bit and before she could continue he leaned forward and kissed her softly. Pulling away he looked at her. “I love you more than anyone. I don’t ever want to be with anyone else....I haven’t been with anyone else since you because all I’ve every wanted in my life is you.” He looked at her and shook his head. “I’m sorry we’re not supposed to be kissing but I just had to let you know that I’m in this. For real and for the long haul.” He smiled slightly. “I have another surprise for you.”

Parker returned the soft kiss before he pulled away, happy that he had done that and looked at him as she kept her hands on his shoulders. "Good, because that means we dont have to say goodbye anymore because I dont want to walk away from you anymore." She shook her head. "No, Im glad that you kissed me because I was in the middle of rambling and you always knew how to stop me from rambling." She rubbed his shoulders. "Is it a pony? Or wait no. Is it tickets to Black Panther because that would be amazing, but if it's not any of those, then Im sure I'll love it anyway."

Dom nodded. “Me either.” He said softly as he looked at her. Dom laughed and he shook his head. “This building, I bought.” He said. “Well leases or whatever. That doesn’t matter. What matters is I bought it for you. Come on” he made her follow her downstairs and to the upstairs area. “It needs fixed up but this can be the studio up here. You can put a dark room up here and everything. And downstairs can be the gallery.” He looked at her. “Do you love it?”

Parker raised an eyebrow when she heard him. "You did what now?" She asked as she followed him downstairs and took in everything. She glanced around, not knowing what to say and glanced over at him. "Yeah, I do but Dom. Are you sure about this? I mean, I love it and I cant really process that this. Is for me." She walked towards him and looked at him. "I can help you with the payment."

Dom shook his head and smiled. “No way it’s my gift to you!” He said. “Don’t worry about it. I just.... I want to make up for everything.” He said.

Parker smiled as she shook her head and cupped his cheeks. "What am I going to do with you Mr. Jones." She said as she looked at him. "Thank you, really."

Dom smiled and he looked back at her. "You're welcome" he said softly. Dom pulled her into his arms in a loving and tight hug. He held her there for what felt like forever before releasing her and stepping back. "I wanna help you fix it up. It's gonna be a big project I know but maybe part of me knew that we'd spend more time together so really its just a selfish gift" he teased.

Parker returned the hug, feeling more different and happier before he released and took a step back. "Ah, I see and its definitely going to be a big project but we can do it. Well, you do sometimes think about yourself a lot so that wouldn't be a surprise." She teased back with a smile and a wink before she glanced around once more before she searched for some paper and a pen. "I might have an idea on how to start the gallery already, well set it up." She paused before she kissed him on the cheek before she gotten another idea. "Oh! What about putting a small cafe in a corner and then call it Tessa's after your mom and then we can sell her famous desserts?! And I can make her favorite pie!"

Dom laughed. "hey, I'm not that selfish" he rolled his eyes. Dom raised his eyebrows and he smirked to himself when she kissed his cheek. He watched her scribble stuff down as she spoke. "Family business" he smiled. "Parks this is great. We can use this place however you want. I'm just along for the ride. Maybe when we head back home my mom can give you some recipes. You know she would love to be part of it." He smiled.

Parker "Oh yeah, you are." She pointed out and nodded as he spoke. "I know and I can always ask someone to help us out because neither of us has a degree in business and I can ask your sister if she wants to work here? I know, but you're always been the person who I bounce ideas off of." She grinned. "She would be, she's going to love it. Everyone's going to love it." She let out a breath and sighed before she looked back at him. "Do you remember Delilah? The person who owns the burlesque club back home?"

Dom smiled at her. "Yeah yeah that's a great idea. Oh it would be such a good place to bring the kids for a feild trip and they can explore the dark room and I could do a photography unit or something" he nodded. Dom stood up straight after leaning over looking at what Parker was writing. "Uh yeah vaguely" he nodded thinking back to Parker's club days. "Why?" he asked.

Parker nodded as she wrote on her phone. "It would be amazing!!" She said and looked at him. She scratched her eyebrow as she listened to him and cleared her throat. "I work there."

Dom raised his eyebrows. "Oh." he said. "I wasn't expecting that....Really? I didnt know you enjoyed it so much" he shrugged his shoulders. "And thanks for telling me though. We wouldn't want another set up from Ethan because I feel like he's getting famous for those at this point" he said rolling his eyes.

Parker leaned against the wall as he talked and nodded. "Yeah, really and I did, actually. I mean, everyone's nice there and everyone loves Avery." She said and smiled. "You're welcome and true, he is. Besides, you still enjoyed it."

Dom "How could you not love Avery" he smiled. "Sometimes" he said squinting his eyes. He looked back at her. "So are you ready to head back to your place?" he asked. "Unless you wanna do something else?" he asked curiously.

Parker shrugged a bit. "I have no idea, really." She said and watched him squinted his eyes before she slapped him playfully on his chest. "I was meaning the dance." She let out a sigh as she relaxed against the wall then shrugged a bit as she looked at him. "What do you wanna do?"

Dom laughed. "Yeah well that's true" He smiled. Dom watched her carefully and he walked towards her, arm up resting against the wall next to her face. "You" he said. "But I think that's a given" He searched her eyes and swallowed slightly.

Parker smiled as she laughed and shook her head. "Yeah it is." She said. Parker straighten up a bit as she watched him walked towards her and felt her heartbeat pick up. She nodded as she agreed and played with his tie. "It is. Its been a given since Avery's birthday." She met his eyes, knowing that she wanted him ever since he walked in the cafe the other day but the other part of her knew better than do anything that she wasn't ready for.

Dom "It's been a given way before that" he nodded. Dom stood there with her both of them obviously wanting the same thing but neither of them going to make the first move. " He looked down at her hands playing with his tie. "I love you" he whispered softly. He knew that she already knew this but he hadnt said it in a while and the moment felt right.

Parker shrugged. "Talking about the day in the cafe or before Prom?" She asked softly. She mindlessly gently tugged at his tie as she heard him and stopped playing with his tie, yet kept a hand on it. "I love you too." It rolled off of her tongue smoothly, something that hadnt happen in two years.

Dom chuckled. "Always" he said. Dom reached up and he touched her cheek. "I really want to kiss you right now but I know we're taking things slow and sleeping in the same bed tonight will just be even harder than it already is if I kiss you right now" he breathed. Dom stepped away but he kept his eyes on her. "Lets get outta here" he nodded.

Parker smiled softly when he spoke. "I knew it." She whispered. She reached up, covered his hand with her and pecked his palm as she kept her eyes on him. "If we kiss now, we might end up crossing the line that we set for ourselves tonight and I really want to cross the line but I know that there's no turning back if we do and I know that we're not ready even if we want too." She nodded as she walked away from the wall and stopped in front of him.

Dom nodded in agreement. She was right. If they ended up crossing that line too soon then all of this would be for nothing. He took her hand in his and walked her out of the building, making their way back home for the night. It was a nice night and Dom was happy that they could talk.

[memedokies]

(almost) every anon ask since fall 2016

if u havent noticed i am BAD at answering asks so here’s a Big Dump of most of the asks i’ve gotten in the past few months

ps; i’ve excluded pokemon suggestions bc i plan on getting to them at some point

Hihihi!!! What brushes do you use in fire alpaca??  i dont do much in firealpaca (esp not lately lol) but when i did use it a lot i just used the fill bucket and the standard/default brush to fill in gaps n such lol! i dont really draw in it, i used flash/adobe animate for the lineart and just fill in color in firealpaca :3

when did you start animating?   uhh when i was around 11 or 12 when i started digital art i guess? i just used photoshop for the longest time then got flash when i was like 15 or so

 How did you get flash?  i got the creative cloud dealie, its technically required for my school :—-0 

 hello!! what are you majoring in in vcu?? im thinking about going there for college  im in communication arts! omg cool lmk if u come here ill tell u where to get the best bubble tea

 how many fps do you use for your wiggly animations? i work at 24 fps in flash on twos but just end up using photoshop’s 0 second frame delay/ “no delay”?

 Hey love your animations! What do you animate with?  adobe animate 2017! (previously flash) 

You mentioned a YouTube channel but I can’t seem to find a link to it? Do you post processes on there? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCovvoZxlQjFaIA7A3w_94Zw theres not much atm but i plan on posting a lot more, including process/speedpaints! 

i really like your art style gosh darn!!! everythings so fluid and stylized and nice aaa (also ur animations are goals) do u have any tips for someone still developing their artstyle????  WAH TYSM!!!!! compile art you already like and incorporate aspects from their styles into yours, BUT dont limit urself to one style! if u like something then try it out! do straight up copies (as PRACTICE, DONT CLAIM IT as your own ofc) of stuff you like to see how they work and what you’re clicking with. spending time on fundamentals is MEGA helpful so keep going back to that too! USE REFERENCES!!! draw …from ur soul…what makes u ..FEEL good

 how do you make that burn effect on your lineart? it makes it your pieces look sharper and even more interesting, it’s super cool!!  when i used to use flash for lineart and firealpaca for coloring a lot, setting the lineart layer on BURN with the coloring layer seeping a lil past the lineart would get this effect automatically 

(like on the whiskers. u can see it gets a brighter brown(?) and the warmer yellow on the ears)

but since then i’ve been using sai+photoshop more so i just do it manually! i’ll use this funny pic of me and my cat as an example lol

^i select the lineart/everything i want the funky color around

^slam that INCREMENT button a couple times

^make a new layer under the lineart

^fill that puppo with ur preferred color! something brighter works best, or even straight up white

that’ll give you something like this

then i open it in photoshop

and i mess with the pink line layer’s blending mode..color burn usually does the trick but depending on the Look you’re going for, saturation, multiply and overlay have some similar effects that look cool. 

i also usually get rid of the outermost edge of pink line that’s visible around the lineart, just so it looks a little cleaner? to do that you just select around your lineart, increment/expand selection, and delete/erase in the selection of the pink line layer

uhh yeah! lmk if anyone needs clarification on this, i have some other #TIPS on makin ur art look crusty and funky so…lemme know if you’re interested :—3

What do you use to animate? And, a more specific question, how do you make transparent animated gifs? adobe animate 2017! (previously flash) i export my animation from flash as a png sequence then open it in photoshop, where the background will be transparent and save it as a gif from there nyaaa

if anyone needs more clarification lmk and i’ll make a proper walkthrough :-0

 Hello!! Ur art is rlly pretty and so inspirational and nice to look at!! 💗💗 I was wonderin’ if ya had any tips on choosing shapes for characters? Like, when you draw shapes for a certain character, it looks rlly like it fits with the character’s personality n stuff!! ( e.g: Your Love Live! drawings!! The characters look so good in your style.) I’ve always admired how u did that n was hoping for some tips maybe?? Anyways, have a good day!!💛💖💟💜💝💞💖 HOOGA!! TYSM!!! and YEA you basically guessed it, i mainly just think about the character’s personality and translate that into a shape or Pheeling… 

especially for anime characters i look at the Very Subtle differences in the character’s original design..or possibly canon implications…for example kotori has slightly different eyes (it also says on her wiki page she has soft droopy eyes!) so i make sure to incorporate that Detãile

 anime wiki pages that have details like that is nice, for love live they have cute lil “charm points” which is really cool n helpful! listening to how a character is described in their world can give clues to what differentiates them which you can make more clear in your design

taking into account each characters context is good too, what they do/hobby/personality and how that could affect their appearance/posture/attitude

 YEAH its really fun to figure out certain characteristics and make it evident in their appearance! or. idk thats just what i do lol. hopefully this helps!

Have you ever seen the anime jojos bizarre adventure? alas i have not..i have some friends whom are into it so i’ll prob end up watching it sometime lol

sorry if this is obvious but!! are you the creator of Fork and Knife: Food Fighters?? your gif of fork is super cute btw!! yes i am!! wah tysm!!

Hey my little sister found your animation on an online art gallery and she really loved it! omg cool, thanks so much!!

Your style is so lovely!! OHG thanks!

your blog is so precious i love it a lot! your art is so cute too ^u^ waa thanks!!

Your art and animations art really cool! Keep up the good work! You are amazing!! aahg thank you!! :’333

 your art is fuckening amazing hh broe…tysm

 Oh my gee, I used to follow you on Deviant Art, and now here I am, finding you on accident. You’re still as talented as ever. =w= b hUIOpugh deviantart, my homeland..my origin.. thank you!!!

- O mg I love your art! 💕💕💕 thank you!! heart emojis!!! 💖💖💖

- your art and animations give me so much inspiration, thank you! everything about your style is so fun and it cheers me up omg this validates my top tier goal in life, im so glad!! thank you SO much!

Your style is so charming and adorable ;__; thank you!!

ur art is so gross in the best way possible this is the biggest compliment ive gotten thank u so much. i love making gross squishy awful drawings

IM SO HAPPY I FOUND YOU!!!! IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR AGES!!!!!!!!! I LIVE FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL ART!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! BHOLY CRAP THANK YOU!!!

 your art style is very cute ! 🌱 oohg thanks!! thanks for the little sprout emoji, i love her

GOOD ART!!!! good art good art good art EVERYWHERE I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHGG THANK YUO

how do ya draw such cutely its driving me nuts Nuts NUTS !!! I LOVE SPARKLES AND BRIGHT COLORS AND FUNNY ANIMALS..its my lifeblood..thank u.. 

You’re a really rad artist! I’m Glad there’s some cool artists that are local! Have a good time at VCU! oh wow thanks!! 

Ur shapes r so good thanks i LOVE a nice wholesome shape!

I rlly like ur art style my dude thanks!! 

hi! just wanted to let u know that you’re wonderful and i wish u well in everything u do this is making me bVERY HAPPY THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

 Im love You!! IM L OVE YIOU

that meowth boy is so good. i love him as he is my son THANK YUO i too, love meowth a Lot

 I love how your art is basically lines and curves, it’s very cute oo thanks! 

i love your art style so much!! it’s so zesty? i cant think of a better word to describe but its like. zesty & refreshing & rly rly cool !!! THATS A BEAUTIFUL ADJECTIVE I LOVE IT thank u so much!!!

You seem like you would watch Osomatsu-san. I could see you drawin dem bois in you hella rad art style. osomatsu was the wildest ride of my life. tho i dont think i could physically be able to sit down and draw them seriously ever… 

 Pls make more angry cat comics theyr so halarious plllls 👀 more are on the way!!!!!!

Have you done a meet the artist i sketched one when the meme was still poppin..is it too late lol? maybe i’ll still do it

[adelaideattractions]

11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam

Less than two weeks after a carefully-worded statement hit the press declaring that Hollywood sweethearts Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus were separating, their attempt at keeping things amicable has been hit with a wrecking ball. It all started so respectfully. Our hearts were breaking from news that our favourite couple was on the rocks, but their press release offered plenty of hope that theyd one day reunite (again). Liam and Miley have agreed to separate at this time, a spokesman for Cyrus told People magazine on August 10. RELATED: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworths pets post breakup RELATED: Miley Cyrus fired for buying Liam Hemsworth a penis cake RELATED: Miley Cyrus blasts cheating claims in a series of tweets Ever-evolving, changing as partners and individuals, they have decided this is whats best while they both focus on themselves and careers. They still remain dedicated parents to all of their animals they share while lovingly taking this time apart. Sometime between then and now, something snapped between the two, and Hemsworth suddenly filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. So whats the real story behind this increasingly messy split?

media_cameraPlenty of people hoped the pair would work things out. Picture: Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Disney REUNION HOPES The original statement was a shock, but it didnt take a relationship expert to work out that theyd intentionally used soft language like separate at this time and lovingly taking this time apart. These are not the words of two people certain that they want to be apart forever and history told us they were prone to a bit of on/off action. Cyrus and Hemsworth met as young lovebirds on the set of The Last Song in 2009 and got engaged in 2012 before breaking up two years later.

media_cameraThey met as teenagers on the set of The Last Song. Then in 2016, they reunited with another engagement and secretly wed in December at Cyrus house in Franklin, Tennessee.

media_cameraThe couple tied the knot in an intimate ceremony at home. Picture: Instagram According to most reports, things quickly soured and Hemsworth and Cyrus separated in June, but had decided to keep their time apart low-key and respectful until it hit the press. Once it did everything changed. THOSE ITALIAN PHOTOS First, there were the photos of Cyrus, 26, kissing reality TV star Kaitlynn Carter, 30, during a PDA-heavy Italian jaunt.

media_cameraPhotos were released of Carter (left) and Cyrus kissing.

media_cameraHemsworth was said to be blindsided by news of the fling. The photos were released just hours after news broke of the separation, providing a jarring double-blow of a shock to fans and by many accounts, to Hemsworth himself, who was holed up with his brothers family in Byron Bay at the time. As the days rolled on and amid growing feverish speculation and whispers of infidelity, Hemsworth took the bold step of releasing a statement via Instagram. But from there, things took a nasty turn. THE BLAME GAME Suddenly, after weeks of staying quiet, sources from both camps were weaponised, hurtling barbs and thinly-veiled accusations at each other. Far from keeping us in the dark with their amicable and loving time apart, Cyrus and Hemsworth were via their sources increasingly trying to one-up each other in the blame game.

media_cameraCyrus posted a series of Instagram shots from Italy as news broke of the split. Given Cyrus occasionally wild past and the telling interview she gave with Elle in July, plenty of people assumed that a major factor in the split was her desire to revert back to her partying ways. I mean, do people really think that Im at home in a f***ing apron cooking dinner? I definitely dont fit into a stereotypical wife role. I dont even like that word, she told the magazine. PARTYING LIFESTYLE But as that narrative quickly began to form, TMZ published quotes attributed to a source on Cyrus side, insisting that it was actually the opposite. According to the outlet, the Malibu singer battled valiantly to save her and Hemsworths seven-month marriage but struggled to accept his heavy drinking and use of certain drugs a claim which he has since denied. People magazine also published a scathing story claiming that Cyrus had tried to kerb his partying and that he would lash out at her. Everyone always thinks Miley is problematic and immature and a hardcore partyer while hes this chill surfer dude, but thats actually (not accurate), People quoted a source as saying. That particular accusation may have eventually been drowned out amid all the other noise had it not been for the fact that just days later, Cyrus released a jaw-droppingly blunt song clearly aimed at Hemsworth.

media_cameraCyrus was back in the studio within days. Heres a snippet of Slide Away: I want my house in the hills Dont want the whiskey and pills I dont give up easily But I dont think Im down So wont you slide away Back to the ocean, Ill go back to the city lights Move on, were not 17 Im not who I used to be You say that everything changed Youre right, were grown now The message was clear: Cyrus wanted people to know it was Hemsworth, not she, who needed to grow up. [embedded content] IMMATURE STUNT But Team Hemsworth wasnt taking any of that lying down. It wasnt long before a friend of the Hunger Games star told Page Six that hed been blindsided and left heartbroken by the photos of his estranged wife and Carter. They are still married and they really did love each other. Shes really immature and always has been, a source said. One of Carters The Hills castmates, Brandon Thomas Lee, even weighed in on the drama, accusing the women of trying to mess with their exes (Carter also recently split from The Hills alum Brody Jenner). This whole is just so I dont know, I didnt want to even get involved with it, but it just seems so fake to me, Lee told E! News of Cyrus and Carters romance. Its just like, why? Theyre just obviously messing with their two ex-husbands. And theyre all friends! It just seems so ridiculous to me.

media_cameraJust a stunt? Picture: Instagram Page Six also claimed that people close to Hemsworth had revealed that Cyrus sources had been working overtime to paint (him) as the problem and that he was hurt by the coverage. Liam is one of the kindest, gentlest people out there. Him being wild or drunk or deadbeat is absolutely ridiculous, the source said, adding that the booze claims are 100 per cent a distraction from Cyrus alleged infidelity. MAKING IT PERMANENT Exactly eleven days after announcing their tentative separation, Hemsworth hired famed lawyer Laura Wasser and abruptly filed for divorce from Cyrus. Liam is just done with it. There is no turning back and he knows he wants to move on, E! News quoted an insider as saying. They have not had a lot of communication. There is nothing to say. So what made him break things off for good? Slide Away cant have helped, nor would reports of Cyrus basically having sex with Carter at an LA club last week. Either way, the events of the past couple of weeks flipped the relationship from separated at this time- to dead in the water. MILEY HITS OUT Perhaps it was the shock at his sudden filing that made Cyrus finally flip or maybe she was just desperate to finally defend herself publicly but after that, the words came tumbling out via a lengthy Twitter thread. I can accept that the life Ive chosen means I must live completely open and transparent with my fans who I love, and the public, 100% of the time, she began. What I cannot accept is being told Im lying to cover up a crime I havent committed. I have nothing to hide.

media_cameraThe singer denied the cheating claims. Picture: Instagram I f**ked up and cheated in relationships when I was young, she wrote. But the truth is, once Liam & I reconciled, I meant it, & I was committed. There are NO secrets to uncover here. Ive learned from every experience in my life. Im not perfect, I dont want to be, its boring. Ive grown up in front of you, but the bottom line is, I HAVE GROWN UP. I can admit to a lot of things but I refuse to admit that my marriage ended because of cheating. Liam and I have been together for a decade. Ive said it before & it remains true, I love Liam and always will. WHAT NOW? The only good news out of the situation is that the couple had a prenup, and with no requests for spousal support, the divorce should be finalised quickly a rarity in Hollywood. The agreement reportedly outlines a clear separation of their profits during the marriage, with both Cyrus and Hemsworth retaining the homes they individually purchased. Unfortunately for all the hopeless romantics following the Hemsworth/Cyrus love story over the past decade unlike other times, this breakup is likely to stick. Think about it: Cyrus and Hemsworth called off their engagement and split up back in 2013, but managed to maintain mutual respect and affection publicly in the years that followed prior to their eventual reunion. This time? Not so much and divorce has a finality to it that rarely offers a point of return. Originally published as 11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/how-miley-cyrus-and-liam-hemsworths-amicable-split-turned-so-ugly/news-story/e0d2c9eefb3e60afa4deb532609a2bea?from=htc_rss

[adelaidecity]

11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam

Less than two weeks after a carefully-worded statement hit the press declaring that Hollywood sweethearts Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus were separating, their attempt at keeping things amicable has been hit with a wrecking ball. It all started so respectfully. Our hearts were breaking from news that our favourite couple was on the rocks, but their press release offered plenty of hope that theyd one day reunite (again). Liam and Miley have agreed to separate at this time, a spokesman for Cyrus told People magazine on August 10. RELATED: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworths pets post breakup RELATED: Miley Cyrus fired for buying Liam Hemsworth a penis cake RELATED: Miley Cyrus blasts cheating claims in a series of tweets Ever-evolving, changing as partners and individuals, they have decided this is whats best while they both focus on themselves and careers. They still remain dedicated parents to all of their animals they share while lovingly taking this time apart. Sometime between then and now, something snapped between the two, and Hemsworth suddenly filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. So whats the real story behind this increasingly messy split?

media_cameraPlenty of people hoped the pair would work things out. Picture: Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Disney REUNION HOPES The original statement was a shock, but it didnt take a relationship expert to work out that theyd intentionally used soft language like separate at this time and lovingly taking this time apart. These are not the words of two people certain that they want to be apart forever and history told us they were prone to a bit of on/off action. Cyrus and Hemsworth met as young lovebirds on the set of The Last Song in 2009 and got engaged in 2012 before breaking up two years later.

media_cameraThey met as teenagers on the set of The Last Song. Then in 2016, they reunited with another engagement and secretly wed in December at Cyrus house in Franklin, Tennessee.

media_cameraThe couple tied the knot in an intimate ceremony at home. Picture: Instagram According to most reports, things quickly soured and Hemsworth and Cyrus separated in June, but had decided to keep their time apart low-key and respectful until it hit the press. Once it did everything changed. THOSE ITALIAN PHOTOS First, there were the photos of Cyrus, 26, kissing reality TV star Kaitlynn Carter, 30, during a PDA-heavy Italian jaunt.

media_cameraPhotos were released of Carter (left) and Cyrus kissing.

media_cameraHemsworth was said to be blindsided by news of the fling. The photos were released just hours after news broke of the separation, providing a jarring double-blow of a shock to fans and by many accounts, to Hemsworth himself, who was holed up with his brothers family in Byron Bay at the time. As the days rolled on and amid growing feverish speculation and whispers of infidelity, Hemsworth took the bold step of releasing a statement via Instagram. But from there, things took a nasty turn. THE BLAME GAME Suddenly, after weeks of staying quiet, sources from both camps were weaponised, hurtling barbs and thinly-veiled accusations at each other. Far from keeping us in the dark with their amicable and loving time apart, Cyrus and Hemsworth were via their sources increasingly trying to one-up each other in the blame game.

media_cameraCyrus posted a series of Instagram shots from Italy as news broke of the split. Given Cyrus occasionally wild past and the telling interview she gave with Elle in July, plenty of people assumed that a major factor in the split was her desire to revert back to her partying ways. I mean, do people really think that Im at home in a f***ing apron cooking dinner? I definitely dont fit into a stereotypical wife role. I dont even like that word, she told the magazine. PARTYING LIFESTYLE But as that narrative quickly began to form, TMZ published quotes attributed to a source on Cyrus side, insisting that it was actually the opposite. According to the outlet, the Malibu singer battled valiantly to save her and Hemsworths seven-month marriage but struggled to accept his heavy drinking and use of certain drugs a claim which he has since denied. People magazine also published a scathing story claiming that Cyrus had tried to kerb his partying and that he would lash out at her. Everyone always thinks Miley is problematic and immature and a hardcore partyer while hes this chill surfer dude, but thats actually (not accurate), People quoted a source as saying. That particular accusation may have eventually been drowned out amid all the other noise had it not been for the fact that just days later, Cyrus released a jaw-droppingly blunt song clearly aimed at Hemsworth.

media_cameraCyrus was back in the studio within days. Heres a snippet of Slide Away: I want my house in the hills Dont want the whiskey and pills I dont give up easily But I dont think Im down So wont you slide away Back to the ocean, Ill go back to the city lights Move on, were not 17 Im not who I used to be You say that everything changed Youre right, were grown now The message was clear: Cyrus wanted people to know it was Hemsworth, not she, who needed to grow up. [embedded content] IMMATURE STUNT But Team Hemsworth wasnt taking any of that lying down. It wasnt long before a friend of the Hunger Games star told Page Six that hed been blindsided and left heartbroken by the photos of his estranged wife and Carter. They are still married and they really did love each other. Shes really immature and always has been, a source said. One of Carters The Hills castmates, Brandon Thomas Lee, even weighed in on the drama, accusing the women of trying to mess with their exes (Carter also recently split from The Hills alum Brody Jenner). This whole is just so I dont know, I didnt want to even get involved with it, but it just seems so fake to me, Lee told E! News of Cyrus and Carters romance. Its just like, why? Theyre just obviously messing with their two ex-husbands. And theyre all friends! It just seems so ridiculous to me.

media_cameraJust a stunt? Picture: Instagram Page Six also claimed that people close to Hemsworth had revealed that Cyrus sources had been working overtime to paint (him) as the problem and that he was hurt by the coverage. Liam is one of the kindest, gentlest people out there. Him being wild or drunk or deadbeat is absolutely ridiculous, the source said, adding that the booze claims are 100 per cent a distraction from Cyrus alleged infidelity. MAKING IT PERMANENT Exactly eleven days after announcing their tentative separation, Hemsworth hired famed lawyer Laura Wasser and abruptly filed for divorce from Cyrus. Liam is just done with it. There is no turning back and he knows he wants to move on, E! News quoted an insider as saying. They have not had a lot of communication. There is nothing to say. So what made him break things off for good? Slide Away cant have helped, nor would reports of Cyrus basically having sex with Carter at an LA club last week. Either way, the events of the past couple of weeks flipped the relationship from separated at this time- to dead in the water. MILEY HITS OUT Perhaps it was the shock at his sudden filing that made Cyrus finally flip or maybe she was just desperate to finally defend herself publicly but after that, the words came tumbling out via a lengthy Twitter thread. I can accept that the life Ive chosen means I must live completely open and transparent with my fans who I love, and the public, 100% of the time, she began. What I cannot accept is being told Im lying to cover up a crime I havent committed. I have nothing to hide.

media_cameraThe singer denied the cheating claims. Picture: Instagram I f**ked up and cheated in relationships when I was young, she wrote. But the truth is, once Liam & I reconciled, I meant it, & I was committed. There are NO secrets to uncover here. Ive learned from every experience in my life. Im not perfect, I dont want to be, its boring. Ive grown up in front of you, but the bottom line is, I HAVE GROWN UP. I can admit to a lot of things but I refuse to admit that my marriage ended because of cheating. Liam and I have been together for a decade. Ive said it before & it remains true, I love Liam and always will. WHAT NOW? The only good news out of the situation is that the couple had a prenup, and with no requests for spousal support, the divorce should be finalised quickly a rarity in Hollywood. The agreement reportedly outlines a clear separation of their profits during the marriage, with both Cyrus and Hemsworth retaining the homes they individually purchased. Unfortunately for all the hopeless romantics following the Hemsworth/Cyrus love story over the past decade unlike other times, this breakup is likely to stick. Think about it: Cyrus and Hemsworth called off their engagement and split up back in 2013, but managed to maintain mutual respect and affection publicly in the years that followed prior to their eventual reunion. This time? Not so much and divorce has a finality to it that rarely offers a point of return. Originally published as 11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/how-miley-cyrus-and-liam-hemsworths-amicable-split-turned-so-ugly/news-story/e0d2c9eefb3e60afa4deb532609a2bea?from=htc_rss

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

I think there's also i huge difference between concrit and criticism. and I say this as a writing major who learned in Peer review sessions to recognize someone being constructive, someone not getting it, and someone just plain being an asshole. and I've seen all three types of this on my fics. the first two, I can live with and even enjoy/appreciate. the third I have no patience for, and even trying not to take it personally, it can sour my whole week. And that becomes more true the more stressed I am about a work / the less time I have to work on it. (in my less than stellar emotional moments I have been known to avoid even opening my email inbox for fear that the "comment/review" notification contained some discontented reader with nothing constructive to say)

Concrit, is stuff like the following:

1. You lost me in that one action scene - this is GOOD for me to know because I am genuinely interested in how an idea translated to the page.

2. I dont think you meant to say the teacher addressed the "glass" - pointing out spelling and grammar errors is always appreciated. (also note to self I still havent gone back and fixed that one...)

3. I think x is a little out of character because y. - I add the because while a lot of the time OOC behavior is attached to personal interpretation of the character, at the same time, it affects a readers suspension of disbelief. so a "because y" helps me identify what exactly the problem is and if I want to/can improve it.

4. I feel like the number of POV characters made this confusing. - this is one that might bruise my ego depending how attached I am to a piece of writing but it is equally something I need to know, since it's an issue of what i wanted to express not coming out clearly when translated to the page.

Comments that just dont get it.

A list of real things that have been said to me that are, admittedly, somewhat funny.

1. You accidentally made everyone gay

-LOL.

2. Theres not enough emphasis on the Harry Potter characters in this crossover!!!

- well given I am using the cast of one series and the setting of the other... yes that seems like a fair assessment

3. It's been 2 years! update!!!

- it's been 1 year, and see the authors notes. you were warned im struggling with a thesis.

4. X character is too weak,

- X character is in a crossover and needs their clear advantage blunted somehow.

5. Y character is a deus exmachina.

-Y is a deus ex machina in canon (what do you want from me).

6. X character is a bad character because she has flaws and is annoying

- of course she's annoying, that was the point???????

and then theres stuff like this...

1. A five paragraph essay on how X character being LGBT is WRONG

2. A three paragraph bitch session about how I clearly shouldnt write for Harry potter because I'm too hard on Harry and how dare I make him an asshole.

3. A review just to tell me that adding future kids into a fic about timetravel is the worst thing I could have done to the series ever and that they will no longer be reading.

4. A 3 paragraph Mansplain of the proper way to write a fic and how the way I did it was wrong.

5. a rant with tons of misogynist explicit language degrading how I wrote X character because they dont fit that reviewers flawless ideal.

5. a plethora of comments that are just "Update/Why havent you updated" which, when you're struggling, sucks even if the intent wasnt malicious.

6. Comments that take the time to tear apart my interpretation of a character simply because my headcanon doesnt match the reviewers. (something that makes me more want to delete the fic and cry than rework it to suit your tastes, fyi)

7. saying X,Y,Z sucks/is horrible

(I see this on AO3 and FFN, but most often on FFN.)

so yah. a long winded way of saying that theres right and wrong ways to do concrit.

I will admit to being one of those writers who hates having her fanfiction critiqued, more because I write it primarily for myself and because i have so little time for it at all now that the prospect of editing it makes me want to curl up in bed and hide. but that doesnt mean i dont like concrit. It does mean I've learned that sometimes I have to be okay leaving the editing for later.

I agree mostly. But I'm saying, if I see someone publish a chapter and insists that the readers never comment anything negative about any elements in that chapter, it's unfair to expect any positive comments either.

it’s like this, right

If you see a street musician, you have three options:

Walk past without saying anything

Stop and listen to the music, but don’t give them any money

Stop and listen to the music and if you have the money and liked what they played, you give them money

Nowhere in any of that is the option, “Stop and criticize them to ‘help them improve their performance.’”

If you do that, you are considered an asshole. That’s just how life works.

In the same manner, when you read a fanfiction, you have three options:

Read it, like and/or love it, leave without a word

Read it, dislike and/or hate it, leave without a word

Read it, like and/or loveit, leave a comment

If you don’t like it? You don’t have to comment!

If you did like it but there was an element that wasn’t to your specific taste? Focus on the part you did like when you comment.

If you can’t do that, then walk away. Don’t say anything.

You’re right, you don’t have to leave a positive comment, but I’m not telling you that you have to leave a positive comment. I’m telling you that if you can’t leave one, then don’t leave a comment at all.

If the only way you’re willing to tell someone about the parts of their story that you liked is to also tell them the parts that you did not like and/or actively hate? Then don’t comment. Do. Not. Comment.

Because no matter how long each of those lists are–no matter if the good outweighs the bad or not–the only thing you’ve done is left a sour taste in someone’s mouth.

People do this for fun. It’s not fun if we give you something and the only thing we get back is that sour taste.

[hayjeon]

Official Statement of apology and hiatus

So I decided that I needed to make a separate post for this. Please read through if you have the time!  

To start off, I apologize sincerely if I stole someone’s work without credit. It was definitely not my intention to do so, and have taken many measures to try and mend my mistakes, but it doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t credit. So I am writing this separate post and will have a link to it on my FAQ page.

It may sound like excuses to whoever is angry about this, but please let me explain myself and the situation I was in.

I will be taking a hiatus to reflect on my actions and will not be uploading any stories until this issue is solved.

[ [MORE] ]

It’s my first time on tumblr, and I am still so unfamiliar with this website and how it works. I think I was still too used to the asianfanfics layout, which lets me copy and paste a url and it’ll credit it automatically. Unfortunately, tumblr’s photo system is not similar to the one I mentioned, so I decided the fastest way to do so would be to save and upload, not knowing it would make me the “source” and I automatically assumed that was how everyone else did it.

However, after trial and error, and some anon messages letting me know, I realized that was not the case and that I was making a huge mistake in assuming so. I backtracked and made sure to tag “gif not mine” in order to try and let readers know the media was not mine at all, but it was also my mistake of not making it obvious enough, by putting the tag at the end of all my other tags.

I then started to change the method I was using and proceeded to copy and paste the pictures onto my posts. Since that meant I wasn’t saving the picture and uploading, I thought it would have the “originally posted by:” banner underneath it when it was posted. But unfortunately it didn’t and so I tried to make a (x) with a credit for Sutures and Stitches part 3, but realized the credit wasn’t proper, so I tried to make amends by rushing a project I was working on: my headers.

I replaced the post with the (x) before anyone could reblog it and managed to avoid making that mistake again.

At this point I’d like to address the anons who messaged me: There were around 2 or 3 who messaged me on anon and let me know that I wasn’t properly crediting. I’m going to assume you were two different people because the way you approached the situation was entirely different.

One politely suggested using the tumblr option, which I assumed was the copy and paste. I apologize, it took me a few more days after receiving your message to finally realize the weight of my actions. But your message was the one I considered a polite warning. You sent me another anon this morning, and I think you misunderstood my words. I did not “accuse you of accusing me” but instead directed those words to the following person. I also tagged in my headers post “thank you for being patient” and so on to express my gratitude for your messages, which were polite and gave me the idea of starting my own headers. Thank you again. You were not the one I said “accused me,” but you were the one when I said “and politely suggesting <3 like the one I answered.” I hope this clears up the misunderstanding.

The other anon just simply left me a rude, “You’re plagiarizing” with more extremely rude accusations and left me no suggestions nor time to explain myself. I addressed this anon in a reply to someone saying that I have “anons accusing me of taking creds.” To you, I’m sorry that I couldn’t figure out how to use it on time, but I didn’t reply to yours and chose to ignore it because I knew that 1) I had my header posts in the works and 2) you didn’t give me the chance to learn nor explain myself.

The header project took weeks to finish. I had to look around and find places to take pictures of with my phone, which is not easy during a full semester of college. Then I had to edit them, then buy an app to help me add text and then upload again onto my computer. And this was all rushed last night when I got another anon message about the same issue (which I replied to on my tumblr) and so I speeded up the process of the project and uploaded what little I had: the header for sutures and stitches and for when war runs deep.  

Unfortunately, the other ones I made are still in progress, and I will be uploading them one by one as I finish them. However, the two that I did last night were done at around 3 am and I had to go to sleep, and I plan to finish them throughout the week.

Now I’d like to address something an anon brought up to me this morning.

You said, “Hi. You said ‘but i’ve been crediting in the description with a link (x)’ but i havent seen any (x) on your stitches scenario. Im not talking about the edited version now, you obviously removed the gifs and put your edit, but I had reblogged the previous versions WITH the gif and there has never been a credit/link to the owner..”

So I’ve been messaging a few friends here on tumblr, and they said that by my uploading of the headers, its true that it doesn’t just replace the first posts that I made.

So, as a response, I’m not exactly sure what to do. If uploading a header and deleting the gif doesn’t change the reblogged version, I don’t know what else I can further do. I meant I added the (x) after I saw messages, so it didn’t happen to every single gif on my blog (which I am working on rn). I’ve already deleted the gifs on my stories I replaced with headers, and have gotten rid of the credits as well because I am no longer using said gif. I uploaded my own property headers in order to reflect on my actions, but it seems like the mistakes I made will remain on my blog and in the histories of the reblogged versions of my stories.

So to wrap up, the bottom line is that I made a mistake due to my ignorance and I deserve to receive the punishment for my actions. If this means I have to take a hiatus to reflect, then I will do so. But I hope all of my followers know that I too, as an artist, writer, and student, understand the importance of crediting and plagiarization accusations. I did not intend to steal anyone’s work, and I never intend to ever do something of the sorts in the future. Nevertheless, I’d like to apologize to whoever was inconvenienced by my actions and encourage you to message me separately if you’d like to be put on a post that specifically credits you and your work. I can’t replace the reblogged versions, but hopefully if I post separately, I can direct them to you and your work.