#i havent been doing too hot mentally myself

[g-ghostic-basil]

My beloved, everybody <3

IM SO HAPPY RN IT’S LIKE I GOT THE CASE OF THE ZOOMIES

[like-wuatafauq]

I'm hot until I have to bring up the fact that:

I went manic and got a bunch of tattoos,cut my hair,experienced psychosis, insomnia, and nobody noticed, nobody questioned it. I brought it up to my therapist(I have a new one now cuz I asked to switch after this convo) and specifically asked if how I was acting and doing things was okay only for her to say if I thought it was okay then it's okay. Girl, I need an outside perspective, I can believe it's okay because I'm having racing thoughts, I was having thoughts that things were good. Thank God I managed to even question it and pull myself out so I wouldn't get involved in drugs, alcohol, sex because my parents have a long history of addiction and abuse...it could've definitely been a lot worse.

Anyway, you can decide if I'm still hot after that spill but yeah....

[nonclassyparty]

tins without labels - prologue (j.wy)

summary: Jung Wooyoung's life was always somehow intertwined with your own. from living in the same neighbourhood as kids to attending the same college; fights, bickering, bruises, teasing comments and tears. Wooyoung and you were never complete strangers but never friends either. Always somewhere in between, growing up with each other but never actually knowing one another. The relationship takes a confusing turn in your third year of college after an injury that places your football career on hold. Lonely, lost and confused, you find yourself at your first college party in the presence of none other than Jung Wooyoung asking him to show you what exactly have you been missing out on. playlist // my main masterlist // moodboard (tba) // click to donate to Palestine

pairing: jung wooyoung x reader warnings: none for this chapter i think! word count: 9.3k taglist: just reply or inbox me if u'd like to be added c: a/n: pls don't say damn when u see that i started another story. listen LISTEEEEEN. i know what u all will say..."bree should u rly be starting another series when u havent finished or started the 4757 bajillion ones that u already posted?" the answer is YES. let me explain myself briefly, this summer has been rly hard for me bc i lost someone who was incredibly important to me and i just can't write...i just can't! everything looks like shit!!! im halfway done with soot and something just isn't letting me continue. i can't write pretty on the outside or literally anything else i've started bc its all simply too sad. writing is draining to begin with despite how much i love and enjoy it but writing angst is k wording my mental health lol! so....i present to you this series, mostly dedicated to myself literally no one asked for this, i just feel like its something i need to write and always wanted to so here i go! it will be a little heartwarming series with lots of humor and coming of age shenanigans and huge chunks of it written from personal experience and i hope u guys read it and like it. i had a lot of fun writing this prologue. (p.s. i literally know jackshit about football/soccer so if by some chance someone that reads this knows their football shit....just let it go pls lmfaoo)

(prologue; when we were kids)

and I couldn't find the words, i couldn't think of what to say and all that I can do is stop and think about the days when all we used to dream about was meeting after school

6 and 8 years old;

Your mom helped you build the snowman.

An entire morning of running around your front yard, laughing and playing in the freshly fallen snow, seeing the air you breathe out in front of you that you pretended was cigarette smoke to make your mom laugh as the cold nipped at your cheeks.

The snowman was almost twice your size (which wasn't a lot, you were a fairly small child) with pebbles stuck in as his eyes and teeth pulled up in a big grin. Your mom found a small bucket in the old shed behind the house which she placed on his head as a makeshift hat and because you didn't have any carrots, there was a small twig stuck at the center of the snowman's face to serve as a long crooked nose.

(The snowman didn't have any arms, a detail that went over your head at the time.)

After admiring the big statue in the farther corner of your front yard for awhile, you finally retreated into the house with your socks wet along with the majority of your hot pink snowsuit. As you kicked off the damp clothes and exchanged them for warm, dry ones and fuzzy socks and then settled in front of the TV in the toasty living room with a mug of cocoa - you couldn't help but feel that it was a happy day.

Which is why when, in the late afternoon, once you looked out of your window to see what once used to be your snowman is now nothing but a big pile of disheveled snow with his plastic hat rolling around the sidewalk and two boys running away down the street with shrill laughter echoing after them, you simply couldn't help but burst into tears.

"Mommy!" You screamed out, running outside your front door in fuzzy socks and your sweater, as dramatic as you were. But you were six and your life still ended and began with coloring books and favorite toys, so a snowman that you made with your mom getting destroyed, surely felt like the end of the world.

Once your mom stepped out after you, about to scold you for walking outside into the cold air with no jacket on, you burst into crocodile tears as you pointed to the spot where your snowman once stood.

"Oh, no." She breathed out with a sigh before grabbing her jacket and slipping into whatever shoes were available by the door (they were your dad's old tennis shoes) and walking across the front yard to collect the small bucket from the sidewalk.

All you could do was stand and watch as you wailed so loudly after your snowman that the entire neighbourhood could hear.

"Honey, it's okay." Your mom tried to soothe you as she walked up the steps to your house, carrying what used to be the snowman's hat. "It's just a snowman, we'll make another one tomorrow!"

But you were inconsolable, bursting out in another wave of loud cries as you stomped your tiny foot and pointed to the house across the street.

"They ruined it! W-Wooyoung ruined it!" You sob, waving towards the boy's house with all the anger a six year old could possibly muster. You knew it was him, recognizing the ugly red jacket he wore this entire winter and his even uglier looking friend, Chanwook.

You weren't friends with Wooyoung. He was older than you and all of his friends were mean. You once tried to play with them when you first moved to the neighbourhood but they didn't want to play with a girl. You cried about that too.

They often teased you. Wooyoung said your crooked teeth made you look ugly!

She sighs again, "And that was very mean of him. But, Y/N, we'll just make another snowman tomorrow."

"But-" You start again, tears still sliding down your face. 

"We'll build him in the backyard where we have a fence, so no-one will be able to touch him." She offers with a smile, hoping you'll finally be consoled enough to walk inside and be safe from the harsh cold.

"But I won't be able to look at him from the window." You tell her quietly, voice going hoarse from the crying and bottom lip already wobbling as another wave of tears began to sunk in. She gives you a sympathetic smile.

"We'll get him a prettier hat and we'll use two long branches to give him arms!" Your mom offers again, trying to butter you up so the tears would stop. "We'll get a carrot for his nose and big pretty rocks for his eyes!" Once she realized it was working, she continued; "And we'll take a picture of you with him so you'll always get to look at him, even when he melts away!"

You peer up at her with a hiccup, finally bribed enough; "A picture?"

She nods, holding the door wider for you to finally walk inside as you inch towards the door, fuzzy socks now soaked, "A picture. We'll send your dad to the mall to develop them."

So, you finally walk inside the warm house again, changing your socks and immediately going to your father's home office to pester him about the camera and just how long will it take for a picture to be developed.

-

"-Y/N, we'll just make another snowman tomorrow!" 

Wooyoung heard your mom tell you as he peers at the exchange from across the street, through his bedroom window, freshly changed into dry clothes after a long hard day of playing outside with Chanwook and now, warming his frozen hands on the radiator.

When Wooyoung saw the snowman parked in the corner of your front yard, just a step away from the sidewalk, he and Chanwook thought it would be funny to ruin it. 

The thing was ugly and had an even uglier bucket at the top of it's head, perfect to kick around the street!

He didn't think too much about it, if he was honest. Just saw a big lump of snow he wanted to kick at until it collapsed, so that's what Wooyoung did. It was just a silly snowman.

Besides, you were already six years old. Far too old to be making a stupid snowman. You should've been going sledding with the rest of the neighborhood kids on the small hill just a couple of minutes away from your street. Wooyoung was mature now, so his mom allowed him to go without a chaperone this year. You were always so childish, no wonder your mom didn't let you go with them. You cried over everything.

But he didn't expect you to cry over the stupid snowman!

It was just a snowman. It would've melted anyway when the weather got warmer! Or gotten ruined by someone else! 

The brief fear of your mom telling Wooyoung's mom about what he'd done struck him. He'd positively get grounded for ruining your dumb snowman if she found out and then the rest of his winter break would be spent inside of the house.

You could always make another snowman. A better one. And since you're such a crybaby, Wooyoung would make sure to tell Chanwook that they won't be touching that one. Leave that ugly snowman alone.

Just so you wouldn't cry anymore.

-

10 and 12 years old;

"It's a shame your mother is dead, maybe if she was still around she would teach you how to act like a girl!" 

Your face flushed in anger as you stared the other boy, Beomseok, his chubby fingers still wrapped around your pencil case which was how the argument started in the first place.

He was in the same class as you and a typical bully. Bigger than the rest of his peers and always using it to his advantage to intimidate and tease them. Today, he took your pencil case and when you asked for him to give it back, he only gave you a gnarly smile and started running around the classroom and eventually out on the halls, screaming taunts at you. It would be a lie to say that you didn't scream some pretty mean stuff back but in your defense, he deserved it.

Now, you both stood as if you're ready to duel as the rest of your classmates and even some upperclassmen gathered to see what the commotion is all about, your fury rising so high that tears spring in your eyes at the mention of your mom as you observe his smug smirk. Obviously, from a very young age, you were bad at managing your anger.

"I hate you!" You scream out, voice high pitched. Then you jump on Beomseok with your full weight, successfully pulling him to the hard hallway floors as your hands curled into tiny fists that started colliding with his face.

And Beomseok, for all his intimidating build, talked an awfully big game just to end up bursting into tears as your fist collided with his nose. He was bad at fighting, you notice, if he could be beat up by a lanky girl almost two times smaller than him.

"I just-" Punch. "-wanted-" Punch. "-my pencil case-" A slap. "-back!"

"Somebody help!" He screams from under you, whining under each attack but his classmates were too busy cheering you on to come to his defense.

Once you start harshly pulling on his hair, two arms wrap themselves under your armpits and pull you off of your classmate. You're standing again and are turned by your shoulders to come face to face with your teacher, screaming at you.

"Is this a proper behavior in school?!" and lots of "Your father will hear about this!"'s and "You're going to the principle's office!" as she started pulling you by your arm down the corridor that was still filled with students.

"Everyone to your classrooms! Now!" Your teacher screams from the top of her lungs as she tugs on you and you follow after her with a frown on your face.

Stupid Beomseok.

-

Wooyoung's stomach hurts from laughing, clapping Chanwook's shoulder who was almost sitting on the floor due to his own fit of pure glee, as he watches Kim Beomseok roll around the floor in pain, clutching his nose. 

There's scratches and bruises already forming on his cheeks, little bit of blood mixed with a lot of big, fat tears. It's hard to feel even slightly bad for Beomseok, when Wooyoung heard how he torments his classmates along with the younger kids during recess. Did it count as bullying if the bully is the one getting bullied?

Maybe he finally got what was coming for him, nobody usually stood up to him and Wooyoung least expected you to be the one to put him in his place.

He deserved it, Wooyoung thinks, after what he said about your mom.

Wooyoung remembers her funeral three years ago, he remembers how much you cried and how you didn't leave your house for a month that summer. He even rung the doorbell to ask if you wanted to come out and play one time which he never did because you were a child and he was much more mature than you, you two had nothing in common. But he felt sad for you.

Your mom was nice, she always brought Wooyoung a chocolate when she'd come for a visit.

 Sadly, they discovered she had cancer when you were only seven and Wooyoung was nine. By the time they discovered it, it was already too far along and your mom passed away on a summer evening while you were outside playing hide and seek. 

Wooyoung remembers feeling so bad how they always made you the seeker that day because you were the youngest kid in the neighbourhood and far too easy to convince that it was simply always your turn to look for the other kids.

Your dad opened the door, smiling sadly at Wooyoung and saying that you weren't feeling well enough to come out and play. Wooyoung didn't try again after that.

The teacher is pulling you by your elbow through the crowd, yelling at the top of her lungs for everyone to head to their classrooms since class should start in a couple of minutes. You silently follow her, face twisted into an angry grimace.

Your hair has fallen out of your ponytail, long strands sticking to your face and Wooyoung is pretty sure that your shirt got ripped during the brawl. 

Wooyoung might've been laughing a bit too loudly because with angry eyes and cheeks flushed, your head whips towards him just as you pass by him.

Wooyoung opens his mouth with a smile, to say something like "Good job, Y/L!" maybe. He doesn't get the chance to.

"What are you laughing at, Jung?" You ask loudly and Wooyoung's laughter immediately dies down.

"Wha-?"

And it's then, that your foot meets Wooyoung's shin in a harsh kick that makes him yowl in pain and makes Chanwook burst into another wave of laughter as his hands grab at Wooyoung who doubles over in pain.

"Y/N!" The teacher screams out again, pulling you back by your shirt and going on another rant, filled with threats of calling your dad to school and something else he can't process at the moment.

Wooyoung is too busy feeling the pain and anger that fills him up as he rubs at the place your sneaker covered foot meet his leg.

"Y/N, you psycho!" He yells after you who is still getting dragged away. You don't even bother to look back at him.

(He still collects your pencil case from the floor and throws it on a desk that a classmate of yours says belongs to you before exiting the classroom and going to his own. Wooyoung tells himself it's for no other reason but just so your dad won't have to buy you a new one. He has enough on his plate already.)

-

14 and 16 years old;

Wooyoung has a girlfriend.

You don't know why that's something that bothers you so much.

Maybe because you don't understand what a girl could possibly see in Jung Wooyoung to willingly let him hold her hand or...God forbid, kiss her. Ew.

That's a lie, maybe even a bad attempt at coping on your part because there's a general consensus in your high school that Jung Wooyoung is good-looking. 

You didn't even think he was ugly when you were younger, when he was pulling on your pigtails and teasing you for playing with dolls. He was cute for an annoying kid back then too with his chubby cheeks and bowl haircut.

He was especially cute now, a recent discovery of yours which you have no one else to thank except puberty. It did wonders on your hormones and it did wonders on Jung Wooyoung too. 

His jawline got sharper the more baby fat he lost and lips grew fuller. His boyish smile was very attractive, even his smile lines were captivating. Wooyoung grew taller as well, not by much compared to the other boys in his grade but he was tall just enough so you'd have to look up to him when you argue but not enough to be intimidated by him.

So, yes, you supposed you'd understand the appeal if it weren't for his stupid mouth and mean words more often than not, directed at you. You threw shots back as well, sometimes even started an argument first if you were feeling particularly annoying but maybe that sums up why you're so bothered.

He started dating Chaeyoung at the beginning of this summer and since you have the fortune (read: misfortune) of living in the house right across the street from Wooyoung's, you were an unlucky witness to most of their dates.

And he was so sweet to her. He'd buy her cheap flowers and ice cream, they'd walk around the neighbourhood holding hands, they'd take Wooyoung's younger brother Kyungmin to the playground in the evenings. Wooyoung would smile a lot at her and Chaeyoung would always smile back.

You even saw them kiss. Just once.

When you were folding laundry in your bedroom, you looked through the window just in time to see their lips connect on Wooyoung's front porch. You quickly looked away, feeling shy and embarrassed, not understanding why you were blushing or feeling so sad all of a sudden.

Why was he so nice to other girls but never to you? You shouldn't think too much about it, the problem isn't you. Chaeyoung wasn't just some other girl but his girlfriend. Of course, he'd treat her special.

Whatever. You scoff as you watch Chaeyoung run to Wooyoung across the quad as you adjust your sports bag over your shoulder. 

She jumps into his arms and you can hear his loud, annoying laughter even to here as his arms wrap around her and he picks her up from the ground.

"What are you doing?" You almost jump out of your skin at the sound of Ryujin's voice as she nosily tries to follow where you were staring at.

Ryujin was the first friend you met since you started high school two weeks ago. She might be the only friend you have for awhile since you haven't really been trying to even get to know your classmates as you were too busy trying out for the girls football team.

You don't remember when you started actively playing football exactly. You always played it for fun with the boys from the neighbourhood (Wooyoung included)  but maybe it was around seventh grade when your dad pestered you into trying out a sport because he didn't know what else to do with you so he packed you up and sent you to a sports camp for two weeks one summer, that you started actually playing.

You went there only caring about your iPad and came back saying you'll be a professional football player.

Your dad doesn't want to say it but you know he thinks it's a fickle dream that will fizzle out with age.

Thankfully, Ryujin shared the same love for the sport as you so for now, you were relieved and content to spend time with her. She was nice.

You didn't need anyone else but maybe it would've been nice if someone who was older, who you were familiar with even if you always fought, would give you a couple of words of useful advice. Regarding the new teachers and subjects and all.

High school was scary.

"Nothing." You answer quickly, turning your back to Wooyoung and his girlfriend and fully facing your new friend.

"Nothing?" Ryujin gives you a suspicious smile, eyes darting over your shoulder once more before she ruffles your hair. You yelp. "Do you have a crush already, Y/N?"

You gently shove her away with a huff, fixing your bangs, "Don't be stupid. These boys are all ugly."

A crush. As if!

She laughs at that, throwing her arm around your shoulder as she directs you both to the field where practice was held, already yapping about her own crush.

-

"Hey, isn't that your neighbour?" Chaeyoung nudges Wooyoung with her elbow, nodding somewhere behind Wooyoung. He cranes his neck to follow the direction before his eyes land on you.

He snorts, "Yeah."

You were standing in the middle of the football field, sweaty and red in the face from all the running, with your hands on your hips as you paid attention to what your coach was yelling towards your teammates across the field.

The school's jersey seemed far too big on your lanky form and your hair was a mess, always slipping out of your ponytail. You were much smaller in build than the rest of the team and it looked funny to Wooyoung.

He didn't expect you to be into sports, let alone a sport like football. In fact, Wooyoung is surprised that you don't burst into tears when you start arguing with the makeshift referee played by another student. It's what usually happens if you spend longer than a minute arguing with Wooyoung.

And then he ends up being the bad guy for making you cry but no one ever mentions that you sometimes provoke him first as well but can't take it when it's dished right back.

Since you're such a crybaby.

He watches with an amused grin as you bare your teeth at the referee, who is really just a senior that thought it would be a fun time but now he has to stand arguing with you. And to Wooyoung's further amusement, the older boy who is almost two heads taller than you, looks like he's about to shit his pants in front of you.

Hm. Maybe not such a crybaby when it's anyone else but Wooyoung.

"I think she has a crush on you."

He turns to look at his girlfriend with a confused look, growing further confused when she smiles teasingly at him.

"Who?" He asks and she gives him a knowing look before nodding in your direction again. Wooyoung splutters out a surprised laugh, "Y/N?"

"Yeah." She nods excitedly, giggling, "She's cute."

Wooyoung scoffs with an eyeroll, "She's a kid."

A kid who might have a small crush on Wooyoung but still, a kid nonetheless.

He'd be stupid to say he didn't notice that you sometimes stare at him a little too much but what the hell is he supposed to do about that. You just started high school, you probably weren't even aware of what you were doing. It was a childish crush because at the end of the day that's what you are - childish.

Chaeyoung giggles again, the sound is soft and sweet, leaning her head against his shoulder. 

"It's kind of sweet." She sighs dreamily and Wooyoung snorts because nothing about you was sweet, "You're her handsome neighbour, the only guy who's always been close to her since she was a kid, she probably starts those childish arguments with you so you'd give her attention and then writes about you in her diary and-"

"Y/N is the last person to have a diary, first of all." Wooyoung interrupts with a snicker before looking down on his girlfriend who is teasing him, "Second of all, you sound ridiculous."

Chaeyoung lifts her head up from where it rested against him and looks at him seriously, her lips pressed together. Then she starts imitating Wooyoung's last sentence in a deeper voice that sounds nothing like him, "You sound ridiculous-ah!"

She squeals when Wooyoung pinches her at the waist lovingly and it turns to tickling her as he presses kisses to her cheeks.

As they continue to exchange kisses between hushed giggles, the conversation about you is forgotten.

-

18 and 20 years old;

From the moment you opened the door to greet your date, you knew that the whole night would be a complete and utter disaster.

Maybe you watched too many teen movies that romanticized prom night so much that even you ended up believing and looking forward to the glorified fantasy of it but boy, were you in for a rude awakening.

Your prom date was a boy from your Calculus class named Eunwoo. 

To be completely honest, you were convinced for the entirety of your senior year that you wouldn't have a date for prom at all because not much has changed since freshman year.

You still had one good friend (two, if you count Ryujin's friend that says she likes hanging out with you) and your focus was always on football. Add schoolwork and keeping up your good grades and you truly didn't have much time left for socializing.

So when Eunwoo pulled you aside after your football practice and asked you if you wanted to go to prom together with a handsome boyish smile on his face, your excitement for that night skyrocketed.

Eunwoo wasn't exactly a friend but he was nice to you during class, maybe you were wrong but his niceness sometimes even bordered flirting. Already, you were daydreaming about a possible boyfriend to spend your last summer with before you start college.

With a date or without one, you spend the bigger portion of your senior year saving up money for prom night or should you say prom preparations.

Makeup was never your strongest suit, in fact, it wasn't a suit of yours at all. You never wore it. You never did your hair either. 

Even on the rare occasion that you went to a high school party, you never wore anything else aside from jeans and T-Shirts. You were an athlete and you committed to the bit entirely, always being ready to sweat and opting for comfort of loose clothes above anything else.

But you wanted to look nice for prom, pretty. Not because of Eunwoo but for yourself. Prom is only once and you wanted to make sure you do it with confidence. 

All your saved up allowance went on the hair and makeup appointment along with your dress that Ryujin helped you pick out. The dress was quite simple in your opinion, a dark red one with a square neckline held up by two thin straps that clung to your curves and flared out at the bottom.

With your hair pinned up in an up-do with two curled strands framing your face and glitter on your eyelids, you thought you looked very pretty, beautiful even. Hell, it was probably the best you looked in your entire eighteen years of life. You could even put up with the painful heels for the sake of it.

Your dad made you pose over the whole house while you waited for your date to pick you up. First a photoshoot on the stairs, then one on the front porch, then a little in front of the living room fireplace. 

He seemed so excited with his camera hanging around his neck as he followed you around the house.

It was one of the moments you wished your mom was here for but nonetheless, it was much fun with your dad only as well. You were happy.

It all went to shit though once you opened the door for Eunwoo and he started laughing in your face.

"Oh my God!" He laughs, almost doubling over at the apparent hilarity of your appearance, "What are you wearing?!"

You laugh nervously, ignoring your father's glance at you from the sheer embarrassment, "What? Is it that bad?"

"No, no." Eunwoo shakes his head, wiping a stray tear that escaped while he was laughing, "It's just not like you, at all."

"Oh." You give him a sour smile, your fragilely built ego shattering completely. "I was just...trying something new I guess..."

He snickers with a headshake before offering you his hand, "Come on, let's go take a photo?"

After a small moment of hesitation, feeling your cheeks burn from the humiliation, you let him grab your hand and step out on the front porch. Eunwoo places a hand around your waist to pull you closer as you both smile at your dad's camera.

A couple of photos later, you both head towards Eunwoo's car as your dad waves you goodbye. You give him a small, almost sad wave back as Eunwoo opens the door for you. You ask him;

"Do I really look funny?"

"No, you look pretty no matter what." He answers, helping you with your dress. "It's just doesn't suit you I guess, it's not like you."

"Ah..." You say staring at the dashboard as you watch him round the car to get into the driver's seat. You glance back at your dad just to see him get back into your house and for a split second, you want to call the whole thing off and go back inside with him.

Of course this doesn't suit you. You were the girl guys dapped up in the hallways, the girl that was always covered in hoodies and sweatpants and never wore makeup. You must look stupid, all dolled up like this. What were you thinking.

Prom celebration is usually held at a hotel not far from your high school. The ballroom is enormous, with vast marble floors and high ceilings illuminated by golden, shimmery lights. It looks straight out a fairytale with colorful dresses worn by pretty princess and handsome princes in their extravagant suits. Only, you don't feel like a princess at all.

Eunwoo and you find your table and you briefly say hi to Ryujin and her date. Ryujin tells you how amazing you look and you give her the first (and possibly, only) genuine smile of the night.

"So," Eunwoo starts the conversation a few minutes after you settle down at your table with drinks, "Did you decide where you're going for college? Any scouts?"

"I'm leaning towards SNU. Their Women's Football Club is really strong and I feel like they actually get proper investments and budget." You tell him and he grins interrupting your next sentence.

"See, this is why I like you. It's hard to find a girl who knows about sports and is so chill about everything."

Your mouth stays parted, the rest of your sentence (which was really just saying that the fact the male football team was hot contributed to your decision as joke) went unsaid as his words registered. Every "compliment" Eunwoo gives you is starting to come off so backhandedly that you're beginning to realize that while he thinks he has you all figured out - he doesn't actually know you at all.

You give him a fake laugh and pray to God it doesn't sound fake enough for him to notice as you take a sip of your drink.

An hour later, your heels are killing you so much that you've completely given up on dancing. You observe Ryujin on the dance floor with her date, still going at it and sigh with the silent question of when it would be your turn. Instead, you're stuck to the sidelines with shoes that feel awful on your feet and a date that can't stop talking about how it's attractive that you're a "girl that actually eats". Eunwoo's compliments are becoming weirder by the second.

"Should I just take you home?" Eunwoo asks with an amused smile as he observes you taking off your heels for the tenth time since you sat back down.

"Ah, would you mind?" You give him an apologetic smile, feeling like a burden and a not-so-much-fun date, "I'm sorry, Eunwoo, this is unfair to you-"

"Nah, I had a fun time." He shakes his head, downing the rest of his drink, "Next time, just be yourself though, yeah?"

The weirdly phrased statement makes you pause. "What do you mean?"

"You know, you don't have to dress like this!" He laughs, playfully playing with the thin strap of your dress. You subtly move away from his touch. "It's not like you at all. I don't know if your friends talked you into it just to fit in but you shouldn't let them push you around like this."

He's so wrong that you can't speak for a moment but even if you could, you feel like trying to explain yourself to him would be far too exhausting and would lead to nowhere. Nor do you want it to lead anywhere anymore, if you were honest.

"Girls like that are so exhausting." He gives a tired sigh. "Outfits and makeup aren't the only thing in the world."

"Girls....like that?"

"You know! Like, the touchy-feely shit. Everything is about color-coordination and nail polishes with them. God forbid their hair is out of place. What a headache!" Eunwoo runs a hand through his hear before giving you an award winning smile. "That's why I'm glad I got to hang out with you! You're real."

"I'm....real?" You ask with a cocked head as your eyes start to narrow. He's too busy thinking that you like what he's saying so he continues.

"Yeah. You know, you keep it real. You're not caught up in that frivolous, girly bullshit. You're so chill, Y/N." He keeps smiling at you like he just gave you the highest form of compliment he possibly could.

But you can't bring yourself to crack a smile even if someone held a barrel of a gun to your temple at the moment. In fact, you feel like throwing up. You should've know from the start, from the moment he was so unreasonably impressed with your lack of makeup at the beginning of the year.

Eunwoo was one of those guys.

"Um," You slide your heels back on and grab your clutch, "You know what, you stay. I'll go."

"Wait, what." His brows raise in half confusion and half surprise as he watches you stand up from your seat.

"Yeah, I'll walk home."

"Wait, Y/N. Why would you walk home? I already said I'd drop you off-"

"No thanks. I don't want to get in a car with a sexist."

"What?!" Eunwoo reels back, "What the fuck are you talking about?! I'm not a sexist! I respect women!"

You huff, turning to him with a glare. "You respect women who are "cool" and "chill" and basically act like men. You should've just taken one of your dudes to prom if these are your opinions. I'm out."

So, that's how you find yourself in your pretty dress sitting in one of the plastic chairs of a convenience store with a popsicle in your mouth as you watch the cars drive by. You were too embarrassed to arrive home so early, you hyped up prom night so much to your dad - you'd rather lie and tell him you had a good time.

If the night couldn't possibly get any shittier, while you eat away at your cherry popsicle feeling undeniably sorry for yourself, you hear a familiar laugh followed by sounds of shoes scuffing against the pavement towards the convenience store.

Of course. Of fucking course, Jung Wooyoung would show up now, when you needed him least.

You try to make yourself seem as small as possible in the plastic chair, hoping he or his two friends wouldn't notice you (which in retrospect was a dumb hope, you were sitting right by the entrance in a fucking prom dress).

Ever since Wooyoung graduated high school two years ago, you only saw him in passing. He'd come home for Christmas holidays or a week or two during the summers and you'd only catch him skunk out of his house and into his dad's car if you were lucky. Unlucky, that is of course.

Maybe you were hoping he wouldn't even recognize you and although it would kind of hurt (as embarrassing as that is to admit), you feel like it would be a better option.

But since you were on a roll tonight, obviously this is just another thing that doesn't go your way.

"Nice dress, Y/L/N." You hear Wooyoung's voice speak, followed by snickers from his idiotic friends and his own attempt at stifling his laughter as they walk past you and into the convenience store, the small bell above the door signaling their entrance.

That ends up being your last straw. 

You don't cause another fight or yell something back after him, no, you don't have the energy to do that tonight. Instead, you feel like you will cry.

Tears are already burning at your eyes and your bottom lip wobbles, you're not even aware that your eyes follow Wooyoung through the display of the store, watching him as he picks up a pack of beer and heads for the cashier.

He got even more painfully handsome than he was when you'd see him every day before he graduated. His hair was double toned, the top of it black and the bottom strands bleached, brushing the nape of his neck.

You think you could even see a tattoo peaking under his shirt as he moves.

Jung Wooyoung was so not your type. Not that you really knew what your type was but all the guys that you found cute in your high school years were athletes, jocks who were organized and dedicated to their routine which in your opinion showcased their maturity, got good grades and were respected by their peers. Wooyoung was really the complete opposite of that so it was hard to explain why you so weirdly hung up over his approval.

He's still laughing about something with his friends, it would hurt so badly if it was about you, as his eyes dart through the display and connect with your own.

Wooyoung does a double take before his big smile slowly slips and dare you say, eyes soften as he looks at you and his lips part as if he wants to say something. 

It could all be in your head though and you're feeling even worse now that he caught you staring at him like a total creep, so you throw your popsicle in the trash and get up with a sigh, slipping back into your heels and deciding to just go home.

-

"Hey, Y/L/N! Wait up, I'll give you a ride home!" Wooyoung calls out after you, the plastic bag swinging back and forth in his hand. 

He can hear Chanwook's hushed objection which Wooyoung chooses to ignore, instead focused on walking closer to you. You couldn't make it far since you were basically limping in your heels.

"No thanks." Wooyoung hears your response and rolls his eyes. He hasn't spoken to you in the last two years at all but he can see that nothing has changed much - you were still too stubborn for your own good.

You didn't even bother to turn back and look at him, instead you hitch your dress further up and continue up the street and away from the convenience store.

"Y/N, come on. Quit being a brat and just wait for me to bring the car around."

"I said no!" You yell over your shoulder and let out a small yelp when you stutter a bit on your feet. To Wooyoung, you resembled Bambi right now.

"I'm trying to help you!" He yells back, still following you, "Just let me drive you back-"

"Wooyoung, seriously, fuck off!" You turn to face him with red cheeks and teary eyes (maybe that's why he's insisting so badly to drive you home, you simply look pathetic), "I don't need your fucking help!"

Wooyoung reels back at your tone and harsh words and then a wave of embarrassment washes over him when he hears Chanwook and Eunhyuk laugh behind him, at the fact that he just got told off by his little neighbour.

The embarrassment is followed up by anger that prickles at his skin like needles, he scoffs and if there's one thing Wooyoung will be - it's petty; "Fine! Limp home in your stupid heels then, see if I give a shit!"

You don't give him a response and Wooyoung doesn't bother to look for it either, instead turns around on his feet and heads towards his car (his dad's car). But not before telling a laughing Chanwook to shut the fuck up.

But once he's in the car with the keys in the ignition, he stares at the steering wheel in obvious contemplation before letting out a small groan, "Fuck."

Wooyoung turns to Chanwook, "Sit in the back, please."

His friend looks at him in surprise and confusion. "What?"

"Just sit in the back, will you? Please." Wooyoung repeats, avoiding Chanwook's eyes but feeling his stumped stare.

"Wooyoung, you cannot be serious." His friend laughs in disbelief as if reading his mind, looking around before giving Wooyoung another incredulous look, "She just told you to fuck off!"

Eunhyuk is quiet in the back which is a huge relief for Wooyoung, he really didn't need to defend himself to his other friend too.

"I can't let her go by foot in the dark, you've seen her! She can barely walk!" Wooyoung says defensively to both of his friends as Chanwook moves to the back with a huff.

"And that's your problem...how?" Chanwook, like the annoying pest he is, asks.

"It's not...." Wooyoung trails off, trying to look for an excuse as to why he was going out of his way to give you a ride home. "But...but her dad would kill me if he knew I saw her and didn't drive her back. It's only right."

Chanwook smacks his lips obnoxiously loud, "Sure."

Wooyoung doesn't even need to turn around to know that his friend is giving him a very bold side eye right now.

Eunhyuk snorts but doesn't say anything else. Wooyoung is thankful for that at least.

"She probably won't even want to get in the car." Chanwook comments quietly as they reach you on the sidewalk. He ends up being ignored.

Wooyoung rolls the window of the old car down so he can talk to you, he has to say you're walking at an impressively slow pace. "Y/N, get in the car."

He hears you groan dramatically from the outside, "Jung, you're not my dad. Stop telling me what to do."

Wooyoung ignores Chanwook and Eunhyuk's snickers in the back once again, he grows even more irritated, "I'll call your fucking dad right now and tell him you're walking home alone this late. How about that?"

You turn to him with your glossy lips twisted into a scowl, "You wouldn't."

Always ready to prove a point or in this case, lie straight out of his ass, Wooyoung makes a show of stopping his car next to the sidewalk and fishing his phone from the pocket of his jacket before opening up his contacts and beginning to scroll. He doesn't even have your dad's number.

But Wooyoung is a professional bullshitter so he keeps pressing random buttons with a straight face and presses the phone to his ear before turning to you with his brows raised-

"Okay, fine!" You exclaim with an angry huff and start rounding his car as your cheeks flush a pretty pink color. Wait, pretty-? You open the door and angrily plop into the passenger's seat with a glare directed towards him, "Fucking snitch."

Wooyoung ignores you, locking his phone without another word and beginning to drive away.

There's an awkward silence in the car, only sounds being made are those of the plastic bags filled with beer that keep rustling in Eunhyuk's lap.

"This isn't the way to our street." You say and Wooyoung might be crazy but you almost sound a little nervous at that. He glances at you before it dawns onto him. Of course, you'd be feeling nervous.

It's nighttime and you're in a car with three dudes older than you who you don't know that well. Wooyoung didn't even bother telling you about his plan before he started driving. A curse runs through his head before he clears his throat,

"I'll just drop these two off at a party nearby and then drive you home." He murmurs, chest constricting a little when he sees you cross your hands over your chest, a gesture which makes you seem smaller.

"Wait, wha-" Chanwook, gosh he was really pissing Wooyoung off tonight, starts from the backseat. "Woo, I thought you were going too-"

"I will." Wooyoung interrupts him with a clenched jaw as he pulls up to the house where the party is held, "I'll drop Y/N off and then come back, it won't take more than fifteen minutes. Now get out- Wait, give me that bag right there."

Eunhyuk hands him one of the plastic bags and Wooyoung fishes through it and pulls out two blueberry ice creams out of it before giving the bag back to Eunhyuk. Which he bought for himself, of course. Not because he saw your popsicle melting on the pavement or anything.

Chanwook watches with a dropped jaw before huffing, Wooyoung hears him murmur, "Doing it for her dad, my ass-" 

"I'll be right back!" Wooyoung announces loudly, far too loudly, and Eunhyuk slams the car door shut so Wooyoung can drive away.

When he pulls away, the silence in the car is almost stifling so Wooyoung offers you the ice cream, "Here."

You look at him like a second head just popped out of his shoulder before looking back through the window and ignoring him completely. Wooyoung lets out a small groan. So stubborn.

"Oh my God, just take it." He says, placing the ice cream on your lap as he continues to drive. He bites back a smile when he sees you stare at the ice cream on your lap for a long second before grasping it and opening the wrapper so you can eat it.

Wooyoung really doesn't know what he's doing right now.

He doesn't know why he bought ice creams for you, he doesn't know why he insisted on getting rid of his friends first before dropping you off home, he has no idea why he keeps glancing at you every couple of seconds from the corner of his eye and he especially doesn't have a clue why he takes the longer route home.

When tomorrow comes and he wakes up hangover from the party and probably in someone else's bed, he'll give himself the same excuse he gave the boys. He wanted to make sure you got home safely because it's the right thing to do. There was nothing else to it.

But in this moment, right now, in the stifling silence and the breeze that flows through the opened window's because the air conditioning isn't working - Wooyoung notices things that he feels embarrassed to notice, or maybe he noticed them before but never allowed himself to appreciate them until tonight.

Like, how nice your bare neck and collarbones look now that your hair is pinned up in soft curls. A thin silver necklace graces your neck. Or how the two curled strands at the front frame your face prettily. Your eyelids are painted with something shimmery which Wooyoung doesn't know the name of and your cheekbones are a soft peach color intentionally placed there beforehand. 

Your glossy lips wrap around the ice cream cone and you bite off a huge chunk. 

"Why are you staring at me?" Wooyoung can decipher the question even through the mouthful of ice cream as you give him a slight glare.

Because you're pretty. Is what he wants to say, honest and bare, but he obviously can't because you're you and he's Wooyoung. "Because you have ice cream on your nose."

His hands tighten against the steering wheel when he sees you quickly look to the side and wipe at your nose self-consciously. You blush a scarlet red from the embarrassment. Great, now he feels like an asshole.

Wooyoung clears his throat, "Why did you look so sad? Back there, in front of the store."

He has no idea why he's trying to make conversation with you. You two never do that, never did. The closest thing to a conversation between Wooyoung and you would be the arguments you'd have in the middle of the school hallway when he'd tease you for your braces.

Those came off as well, by the way, he can see the pearly white teeth perfectly aligned now as you speak. No longer crooked. Maybe he'd like to see them pulled up in a smile but that's borderline wishful thinking now. You smiling at Wooyoung? Yeah, right.

"No reason." You tell him quietly, slumping in your seat as you continue to eat your ice cream. You sigh with an eyeroll, "Just...prom sucked."

Likely thing to happen.

The key is to go to prom with your expectations so low that you can only go up from there but Wooyoung had an inkling feeling that having low expectations wasn't in your nature.

Besides, you were a jock. He remembers even when you were a freshman, you were already running with the popular crowd without even being aware of it, with the athletes and the cheerleaders. Prom night is sort of a pinnacle of the high school experience for people like you.

Guess it's a bummer that you look like you had a shit time.

He hums, "At the end of the day, it's just another Friday night. Nothing special. So even if it sucked, you'll get over it."

Maybe he wasn't the best at giving advice or comforting people.

You side eye him and he pretends not to see it before you quietly add, "I don't usually spend a year worth of allowance on just another Friday night."

Wooyoung cracks a smile, teasing you being a second nature even if you barely spoke since he graduated, "What? Did you expect a prince charming to sweep you off your feet so you two can dance the night away or something? I didn't know you were into that corny shit, Y/L/N."

He hears you scoff, cheeks still red as you roll your eyes, seriously annoyed, "Whatever. Forget I said anything."

Wooyoung's gives a forced snicker just to annoy you before his smile drops again and his eyes flutter shut for a moment out of pure frustration at his own stupidity, internally cursing himself. If shooting yourself in the foot was a person - it would have Jung Wooyoung's photo and name posted under it.

Why can't you just be nice to her?

The air in the car turns even more awkward and Wooyoung shifts uncomfortably in his seat while you continue to eat your ice cream in silence as you stare through the window.

He slows down in front of your house just when you're finishing your ice cream.

You crumple the wrapper in your hand, place the second ice cream on the dashboard and grab the small bag laying on your lap before grabbing the door handle.

"I hope," Wooyoung starts and when you turn to look at him, he's overcome with a sudden coughing fit which is really just awkwardness and the need to fix whatever the fuck he broke a little even more tonight, "Uh, hope you took some good pictures tonight at least because..."

He trails off, feeling like it was his first time flirting with a girl. Wait, what the fuck. He was not flirting with you. Not even a little bit. Wooyoung was simply trying to pay you a compliment. Simple as that. It doesn't have to be anything more. You don't even need to be friends to pay someone a compliment, in fact, Wooyoung is positive that regular archnemeses complimented each other at least once.

Unfortunately, compliments aren't the norm between the two of you, so whatever nice thing he says feels wrong.

Your brows raise.

"You know," He trails off, scratching the back of his neck in an attempt to seem cool and collected. He nonchalantly adds but his side glances might give him away, fortunately you're too much of a ditz to notice, "You look good."

You stare at him for a long moment, seriously it's so long that he almost changes his mind and adds an insult just so you two would be back in those familiar waters of bickering and teasing each other but then your eyebrows fall back down and a scowl overtakes your features.

"Yeah, right." You mumble and Wooyoung almost feels insulted for some reason but then you continue, "Thanks for the ride."

And then you're out of the car and already moving across your front lawn before Wooyoung can snap out of it and remember to turn the car back on.

-

19 and 21 years old;

"10 more minutes! Y/L/N stop arguing with that asshole and get back into your position before you're out of the game completely!" 

Your coach is red in the face from all the shouting and you know what's good for you, so you keep your mouth shut as you run to your spot, thoroughly ignoring the glare your team's captain shoots at you from your right.

The 'asshole' that your coach is referring to is the referee who didn't count a player from the rival team almost breaking your leg by bulldozing into you - as a foul.

"-stole Eunha's position from her and can't even play properly." You hear a snicker behind you and don't even have to turn to know who it's directed at.

Despite it being only your first semester, you haven't made the greatest impression on your teammates (nor did you try all that much to change that impression). 

So for the time being, when there was no rival team, you were the collective enemy in the changing rooms and on the practice field. A freshman who kicked their friend from the spot she had since she started college. A freshman who thought she was better than the rest of her team. A freshman who didn't know how to behave at times. A freshman that made them run extra laps because she was bad at remembering all the new rules at times.

And now, a freshman that was playing badly and fucking up things for the rest of them.

"Y/N!" A hiss from your right is heard and your eyes zero in on your captain, Jihyo, who is staring at you. "Focus."

You swallow harshly and give her a quick now before focusing your gaze to the front.

In high school, you weren't used to losing. You were a winner, it's what you prided yourself in. Failure wasn't an option when it came to football.

But turns out in college, when all the other players are as good as you, winning isn't as easy.

In fact it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be. Nearing the end of the first half the score sheet is still empty and it annoys all of the players and the fans as well. The weirdest thing is how ball is not even on your team's side of the field most of the time; your defenders did not have a very entertaining start of the game in comparison to defenders from Busan, who already look out of breath from all of the attacks to their side. Not to mention that they keep teaming up on you specifically.

You can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong and why there was no goal to this point; half of you thinks it’s because you didn’t blend well with the team. 

"Run, run, run!" Yeonjin shouts, when Sinb loses the ball and Busan’s midfielders rush to their side.

The spike of adrenaline energizes you and your eyes zero on the ball, running after it. Mina’s figure passes from your left and both of you corner the midfielder, successfully getting the ball to your side. You have it and quickly pass it to Yeonjin, seeing her signal for the ball. You watch her run off when a body collides with your own and the impact is so strong, you lose your balance, falling down.

‘What?’ You ask yourself in disbelief not understanding how you're sprawled across the grass again, slowly standing up. At first you're shell-shocked but now anger fills you to the brim when you see that it's the same girl who intentionally collided with you the first time, watching you with a smug smirk and then you're just  ready to fight.

 You push back at her and get even angrier when the bitch doesn't fall. 

"Are you going to go tattle to mommy?" She asks with a mocking concern and you can’t hear anything; you even forget that you are in the middle of the game because your anger turns your vision red. 

With a loud groan, you launch towards her and grab her by the shirt, screaming to her face that 'she's a cunt'. There are hands around you, pulling you away, trapping you and not letting you go even when you try to break free.

Jihyo's face is in front of you and you can't register what she's saying but you can see her turn red from how pissed off she is. Maybe it's better if you're not listening to her, if you can't hear anyone actually...but then-

"Hey, number nine! You better not fucking cry!"

At first, you think the loud yell came from somewhere on the field. You thought another player from the Busan team was talking shit. And then,

"Number nine! Crybaby!"

There's some laughter in the audience and it's then that you realize the voice is shouting from the fucking bleachers.

A teammate is already pulling you in the opposite direction but your eyes are glued to crowd sitting on the sidelines, the annoying voice insistently yelling. Crybaby. Crybaby. Crybaby.

The worst part is that the voice sounds so painfully familiar, you just can't put your finger on it. Who.

You're about to let it go. You're about to be the bigger person and not act like a total brute on the field, just let it go Y/N. But then-

"Hey, hey crybaby!" You stop in your tracks, head whipping to the direction the voice was coming from and eyes coasting over the bleachers. "What kind of hill did you roll down from that you don't even know how to push someone back properly?!"

Finally, you spot it. Him. In a red hoodie, making sure to stand out in the sea of blue. It's no wonder the voice sounded so eerily familiar, you've heard it screaming at you for the majority of your childhood and a good chunk of your teen years. 

Because he rolled down the same hill as you with only a street separating you.

When he realizes that you've caught onto him, he gives you that smile. That grin that never led to anything good, pearly white teeth gleaming under the lights of the bleachers as he taunts you.

You blood pressure jumps so, you take a deep breath and....scream;

"Jung Wooyoung!"

[takekawa]

top 5 ships >:)

oh god this is such a difficult question. like choosing my favorite kid..

if held at gunpoint and not in order of how much i like them

shumika. easy. the combination of someone who blindly wants to be dehumanized and has to be outright taught to care for himself at all + neurotic controlling freak who ruins his relationships with literally everyone else, and only starts to gain some 'humanity' through seeing mika both think thats hot and also slowly, clearly deteoriate is so. auhoruahourhguh. i like the sweet route theyve taken in es!! where they get mentally better together but i do still prefer the psycho shit happening in es!. i th;ink they should have formed a suicide pact.

wranduin. ive been their shooter since i was like fucking 12 years old you would not believe how excited i was reading war crimes finally & seeing wrathis cute new model. my sexy 5 year old dragon wife.. more seriously i do like how they oppose and compliment eachother. i do really miss the little bit of shadow magic anduin dabbled in during MOP and lament him going full paladin mode. it fits with warcrafts love of turning everything into a fatherhood trauma arc but still.. auuu...it was much cuter to have holy priest boy anduin learn to be 'bad' (stand up for himself) and 5d chess 12 steps ahead 'the end justifies the means' wrathi learn to be a little kinder/softer. also i just love wrathion being fucking insane him freeing garrosh only to have him fucking die immediately and cause the next 5 years of expansions is funny as fuck. love you king. he should get to terrorize the fuck out of anduin forever to cheer him up from his knight depression

madohomu. i dont even have to explain this one. i cant. theyre everything. theyre nothing. every single fucking oc universe i make i have to physically hold myself back from just doing another timeloop a la madohomu. killing myself

tamamori/kawase. "making a tulpa of my dead friend who is actively suibaiting me and calling me a bitch ass loser and walks me around on a dog collar" obscenely fucking funny premise. i hope tamamori never figures out hes trying to get dick from an alter. more seriously i do really love kawases character and i wish there were more unrepentant cunts like him. it is genuinely fascinating for tamamori to develop a real, romantic attraction towards an alter who ostensibly is meant to represent his own self-hate, guilt and shame with himself. self care?

lucio/sandalphon. i havent touched gbf in seeeeveral years but i still love lucio so much. comedy wise they have endless potential with lucio looking exactly like his dead wife and the fucking. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "laundry ^_^" scene still makes me crack up remembering it. the angsty aspect of sandalphon turning to someone who looks like his wife in his grief after losing him also makes me cackle like an evil maniac considering lucio does want to befriend him and see him happy. very moe smiling through the knowledge that sandalphon doesn't actually like him. giggle.

honorary mentions that are a little too recent for me to be totally ride or die for them: caelus/aventurine, durgetash (all durge/evil!companion pairings are really good too), xalatath/alleria & joker/goro

honorary mentions that i dont consume much content for now but sagely nod in great approval at: jaina/sylvanas, pate/creighton, lawrence/gehrman, varre/mohg (ONESIDED.), purple!hawke/anders, caejose, kristoph/klavier, adachi/p4protag & stridercest.

ive had 5 billion pairings ive loved over years there are undoubtedly huges ones im completely forgetting. #AMENSIAGANG

[tremendum]

good lord that's hot :') surprised you weren't steaming smh. but that's amazing, i'm so happy you had an amazing time. road trips are very fun, especially w people you have a ball with. very well deserved!

but aw omg, i wish you could've/could experience it :( and it's totally okay! i also jinxed myself, i finally got out and fucked around in the pool and i got so sunburnt... literally never happens smh (i never wear sunscreen.. only tanning shit. once it heals im still not going to wear it)

ooo love that we're both being mentally healthy.. well. you know what i mean ahah. and it's so fun! did you do it when it was muddy or dry? or both??? i think this is the 3rd year of having them, never had or done anything like it before now. but i used to ride on motorcycles with my dad since i was in pre k! always took lil naps on there which sounds crazy looking back tbh. and i swear im so boring, im just mentioning the only interesting things about me LMAOO

also thats so fun?!?! europe?! why'd you go and why'd you come back?? if that's too personal it's okay and i'd completely understand!! i've only ever been in the states im afraid. lived in only one state and traveled to a small handful of others. ugh YOURE the cool one, what are you talking about?! there's SO much about you that's interesting and unique, i love learning about you HAHA. ily xx <3

thank u!!! sorry i went almost immediately on a several week long camping trip and havent been active much since then bc of my job ahaha. but i miss u!! putting a cut here lol

but yeah i did it when it was muddy/snowy muddy and also once dry and it was soooo fun! i like snowmobiling the best tbh

thats so cute your dad took you on motorcycles omg <333 thats so cute ahhhhhhhhh! shut up ur so cool stop ive never been on a motorcycle before tbh

i studied for a few years in france! i came back bc of student visas and (toxic traits incoming!!!!) i missed the feel of a big uni -football season and basketball and tailgating and partying in the US LOL its just different! but i miss europe, i have a dual citizenship within the EU so hopefully ill go back and live over there one day! which states have you been to if you don't mind me asking?? i travel around the states for my job but not to too many places. so many places i want to go :D shush i love learning about u too!

[girlwithnomemory1563]

r u serious

pardon my lack of posts; i actually haven't had much time to make poor decisions! just smoke too much, sleep too little and work all of my days away! :,} so actually, a pat on my back is needed since i've been good these past weeks. despite my lack of activity, i have lots of yapping to partake in. i'll try to include a TL;DR at the end to sum it all up.

so we went out thursday! i slept most of the day and then met up with my friend, jane to get ready together. we smoked with her family (hello) and i ended up leaving with a cool ass ashtray! its a pyramid and it opens up to hold all of my roaches :3

ok ok then we head off to her boyfriends dorm and we pregammed with some sort of peachy alcohol... i forgot. but we drank almost the whole damn handle between the three of us before going so i came into the bar just looking for some funsies. immediately, omg, i spot this tall ass hunk of guy (so cringe but if y'all saw him, heeyunk is all you'd think) so ofc im like, ok mental note made. idk if the universe wanted us to meet or if we're just both tall so we saw each other over the crowd LMAO. anywho, we get in there and start dancing after chatting with all of our friends. i got to see an old coworker from my first job! then got scolded by her for being underaged! she actually unleashed a whole bunch of lore onto me abt this other girl we worked with who i actually had such a huge crush on. blah blah basically the girl cheated on the coworker i ran into with her ex and her now current bf. and then ran off to texas! huh!

ANYWAYS OMG we get back onto the dance floor and i see the large man in my radius again. he was like blonde and had the serial killer glasses and a good ass pedo stache. and he was just sooo beefy you have no idea oh my god. and he was 6'5. 6'5!! i'm a 5'10 girl so he's already won me. so we've like seen each other at this point but i keep dancing obviously. the music was so good that night actually, wasn't the normal overplayed playlist. and while im dancing, he somehow ends up in front of me with my group of friends between us and shoves into my friend! and my friend yells at him so obviously i watch with intent and then im like "guys WAIT hes literally a cadet PLS show some respect" so we all saluted him. and he rolled his eyes and i came. lmao jk but it was stupidly attractive and made me reflect abt myself.

we keep going in and out of the bar to smoke and finally, and i've forgotten how we started talking, but he ends up beside me and my friend so i talked to his hunky ass! he was wearing one of those baja (? i googled the style) hoodie in the bar so im like "are you not hot?" and blah blah blah. and we start dancing. and his strong ass beefy arms stayed around me and he was so big grrr. and this bitch bumped into jane so obv jane apologizes. and then the bitch's little goonie ass friend is like "yeah sorry you were in the way.." pardon? so jane comes and tells me and i whip around real quick to find this munchkin bc hey, i have my snake belly ring in so like obv i can do so damage..../not serious at all. and this man...this hunk man...like moved me to be beside him and was like looking for her too! he was down for the gang!

oh god im yapping and i havent even gotten to the GOOD PARTTT. ok so we all go outside and i sit in the chair next to him and we're just chatting. and then he just seamlessly pulls me into his lap??? didn't even struggle? came once again. so im sitting in his lap chatting with him and we go to get up and leave and this man...picks me up and does curls with me still in his arms....never wanted to ride a man's face more than right then and there. so in this moment i have decided im not leaving without this man. and it wasnt even that hard! i mentioned i was going to sleep in jane's boyfriend's floor and he was like "pls i have a bed for you to sleep in" and i was like "say less". i do need more survival instincts BUT you dont get it. if u were feeling the liquor like i was while feeling his huge buff arm around my neck in the bar then you'd understand that i had no other choice. actually lmao as we left, my other friend stella grabbed me and was like "ma he looks like jeffrey dahmer, think abt it" and did! i did think! with my dick!

so we drive to this dingy frat house in the woods (once again, survival is not my middle name hey) and we get in this room that's not even his btw, and there's a bed with a futon next to it. this jackass tells me im sleeping on that futon! and as we were leaving, he was like "no funny business tho, im going to bed" like ok! right! ok ok! but he was just pranking me after i had already started cleaning it up. so we get in bed and start watching tv and im like, abt to explode from horny since i now have this beef cake down to his underwear next to me in bed, so i say "fr no funny business?" and he's all like "i guess some wouldn't hurt" so we start kissing. ok kisser! not a lot of tongue but i get it! and then i move to give him head eventually and he's like instantly "how tf are u so good at blowjobs" and it really stroked my ego so bad. and he came really quick and it didnt throw me off bc for some reason, every man ive been with has ejaculated prematurely in everything. and then we try to go to bed and we're spooning and his boner is pushing into me so im like "you don't want to have sex?" and he says "nope!" and im like "ok! can i ask why!" and he's like

"i'm waiting until marriage!"

ok! ok...! ...ok... i respect that completely bc he went on abt how its like the highest form of discipline to be able to resist sex. so i'm like "ok just put me in the queue when u start sexing people" and we talk a little bit more and then off to sleep we go. so ive made him cum once so far and ive came zero times. which is ok! no its not. but whatever.

we wake up and like, he seemed sorta into me the previous night but i think he saw what i looked like in normal daylight and with no makeup so it turned him off. but we talk some more and i find out my friends killed my vape the night before so obv i bitch abt it. and hes like "i have another vape for you" and he meant his penis! so i give him head again and then he goes to pee. and this man farts so manly and loudly that i could hear it from the room and i cant even say anything. like i knew his tummy felt so much better after that. but then he gets a cup of coffee, doesn't offer me a cup minus 5 points, and then we talk some more. and he checked himself out in the tv reflection as he talked to me. minus like 2 points bc once again, hes beefy so i get it. then he drives me back to my rink dink ass 2005 honda accord and hes like "ah..it says a lot abt you" Hello? Get tf out of my face??

but yeah i left and we haven't talked since! i doubt i'll ever see him again bc hes currently a student at an out of state college. he went to the college in my town for the previous three years and studied biochem...splooged again. but yeah he was just down here for his birthday weekend. so i'll most likely never see him again but if i do, im coming with a wedding certificate so we can bone.

tl;dr: met an amazingly hunky guy, hyped him up so hard in my head, got to his crib and drops the abstinence bomb. i made him cum twice, i came zero. a lose for me but hey...he was so fucking fine i'd do it again any day of the week.

[divorcingjimmatthews]

pas de deux reactions (shorter than last time i swear)

elgin fucking hero???? the fucking guts???????? this van ride is giving me a heart attack

ive seen the promo pics i know theyll get in but im here like what if they dont open the doors for them in time?? or at all? i havent seen elgin in the promo pics oh my god. but hes so new theyre not killing him here. right. right??????

oh thank god

shit dale really did do ellis good like oh my god the poor dude

he better not die i dont want him to die and he might and im so hurt and anxious rn

did yall know kristi's acress is actually a medical professional? apparently they hired her before they even knew that

anyway back to the angsting

im gonna die

i cant look i cant look i cant look

the blood oh my god

boyd is so good at pretending like hes not dying inside to comfort fatima and ellis like i get that he screwed up big time with the sara secret but man what this dude has done for all these people at the cost of himself... :( boyd appreciation post

its so sad to see him ask for help and people not really believing him thoo like yeah he doesnt have proof and hes not used to asking for help so it comes off unnatural and like hes delusional but man thats #relatable af

NOT A BLOOD TRANSFUSION BOYDS BLOODS GOT THE FUCKING WORMS IN IT IM GONNA LOSE MY MIND 😭😭😭

also poor jim he's so commited to his experiment theory and people are starting to look at him weird for it but i'm so on his side jim you keep at it you're on to something! i believe in you

the way the pieces are all fitting together here oh boy

man i dont remember my blood type i guess this is how i die in fromville

boyd im sorry but it's a worms or death situation over here. unless someone else is O-negative

KENNY 👏👏👏

hes a big boy nowww and im so proud

damn i really didnt think boyds mental situation would get him to the point where he's risking his son's life?! if someone else got this bad after sara i thought that'd be jade. i tought boyd was too main character for this. im sorry boyd. i didn't see how bad you were doing i assumed you'd just be able to keep pushing through because you're you. i'm sorry boyd. i'm ashamed of myself. this deterioration happened before my eyes and i was like nahh he's okay

theyre stealing this mans blood at gunpoint

THEY CAN SEE THE WORMS???

maybe edgin is O-negative too my poor sweet not-good-with-blood heroic boy

KENNY?????

KKKKENNY???????????

"GIVE IT TO ME" THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING OH MY GOD

are these people gonna be passing the worms around like a hot potato like. could kenny theoretically... give it back after the transfusion's done??

boyd we're gonna need this fucking blood rn

BOYD?????

I DONT WANT YOUR IDEA BOYD

BOYD?????????

your son is dying boyd

no one can say anything about recklessness to my boy randall after this

he's gonna kill a creature somehow isnt he

fatima must be having 20 heart attacks per second rn

it's our dear smiley poster boyyyy

oh there's more creatures. i thought it was gonna be a 1 to 1 faceoff to echo the episode's title

im not even that sure that boyd is gonna survive this anymore

i mean he HAS to he's the main character but holy hell

im losing my mind

kenny watching through the window like what can you even do about that

hows he gonna get the blood at him like suck it from his hand and spit it or like what

why is he so confident that this is gonna work

i guess him being like this is what got them the talismans like if he didnt come across the talismans he wouldve been so dead in the forest back then and ellis wouldnve died too

but its like this place kind of hhmmm rewards whatever the fuck boyds doing? it seems to work out for him somehow. but martin was the same way and well.

THE SMILEY BITCH IS NOT BLEEDING

oh my good

ellis is dying while this is happening

boyd really said wait hold on a sec i need to rid myself of this blood curse real quick ill be right back

MY BLOOD IS YOUR BLOOD NOW MOTHERFUCKER

ngl watching someone go on the offensive is so cathartic but i can admit that if i was in that clinic i would be losing my mind and not okay with this at all

IT DIDNT WORK???????

OH IT DID

no fucking wayyyyy

the nightmare creature's friends just ignoring him dying like not even scared a little bit???? they just showed they can kill you bro come on. must be unable to feel fear or something

oh yeah okay they were gathering around him and not around boyd damnnnnnnnn i cant believe this is happening

theyre CONFUSED

Boyd really fucking did that oh my god

the monsters are such bad friends to each other they dont give a fuck

i dont do so good with blood either. elgin i get u bro

the padlock on the medicine cabinet ouchie ouchie

donna and ethan are an interaction i wasnt expecting but theyre neat-o

sorry that jade isn't in the episode guys. i borrowed him for giving him hugs and kisses. i'll give him back for the next one dw. yeah victor's here too i'm giving him chocolate chip cookies. they're ok don't worry for them. sara's in the other room having a milkshake i felt kinda bad for her yeah

ethan is asking the real questions

DONNA DHSJDHSJDHSH i love her

ethan 🥺🥺

ETHAN 😭😭😭

donna...

AW donna

THE HUG THE HUG THE HUG

Boyd youre not okay oh my god this man

oh fatima 🥺

OH SHIT

"We shouldve trusted you" no listen it worked out by fucking miracle okay

what an episode dammit

[steeltypemutual]

ive been thinking about why i havent made any original non-character/fandom pieces of artwork in a long time, and i think it's mostly because i'm tired.

i have things i want to excise and make into drawings or paintings, but at the end of a work day or after doing a bunch of shit for uni i just don't think i have the mental bandwidth left to do that. it's too much and too intense. it's like sticking my hands into hot coals when my insulating gloves have worn thin

so i find it easier to just do little doodles, or small fanart pieces, or sew things, or embroider things. because they're easier to handle and not as intimidating or visceral. they are hills i know the height of and so they are easier to climb without exhausting myself on the slope

[slimeranch7]

yo has anyone played path to nowhere? i had it on my list of games to try a while ago but i literally havent clicked on the app until like yesterday cuz of how busy the semester's been. i havent gotten far at all in the story so my grasp on the shackle mechanics and mental warfare everyone has to go through is still pretty shallow, but its not just the plot and gacha that got me hooked...

i'll admit its the fact that you literally get to shackle hot ladies to your will knowing that they could probably cleanly slit your throat after fucking you stupid if you so much as let your guard down for a fraction of a second. maybe purposefully overloading your senses by abusing the connection to get you all overwhelmed and compliant. taking control of your flustered state but then making a show out of relinquishing it after they've thoroughly fucked you up just because they know for a fact that you can't (you won't) do anything about it.

taking full advantage of the fact that there's too much guilt and mental baggage for you to berate them for rawing you silly in your own office even after you've asked them to calm down and stop harrassing you. chalking it up to having unstable M levels whenever they get particularly aggressive even though you both know full well that the shackles should have it perfectly under control. shackled sinners competing with each other to see who can get their oh-so-stoic chief to cry or pass out or worst of all, beg. hah, imagine a master begging to their own dogs.

except they're not dogs. they're fully sentient human beings with their own thoughts and desires and needs (and a dash of 'angst, unfortunate pasts and circumstances'). what they think of is how well they could ruin their cute, naive little chief who thinks she's safe from corruption and ruin with her cute little shackle powers. what they desire is to hold your power, your dignity, in their hands only for them to crush it right above you. what they need is for you to plead and beg for their mercy when they corner your at the most unsuspecting moments.

like that power dynamic has got my hands shakin n heart racin. im burning through ao3 fics at an embarrassingly fast rate.

tell me im trash for liking this shit or somethin pls 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭i cant do this i need somewhere to let all of this out

also this doesnt mean im stopping genshin stuff!!! i'm currently splitting myself between a kokomi, ying'er (yes i know...) and ayaka piece. it's just perfectionism hindering me from posting anything for a good while. merry crisis everyone!!! 🎄🎄🎄🎄

[wandering-doves]

16.04.2024

i asked a guy i've been interacting with on tumblr for like the last 8 months, if he wanted my number and boy do i regret it [but not for the reasons you may think]

so, as i mentioned we've been getting to know each other and messaging for like 8 months. i remember the first time he messaged me... it was completely random. he'd liked a couple of posts/reblogs and followed me before reaching out and sending a simple greeting. i was naturally very suspicious as it had been years since anyone had messaged me on tumblr and since it was so out of the blue, i was very cagey and cold. he persevered another 2 days before caging up himself when i asked for his name. then he dropped off for about a month. when he returned again, it was to apologise for clamming up. i told him not to worry as he was entitled to his privacy. and then he did something that really surprised me. he gave me his name and a little snippet of his story. he told me that he was feeling lonely and wanting to make friends and that he was going to try chatting to people on here again and sort of freaked out. i let him know that i understood, as i was also being cagey. once we both were on the same page, things were okay. we would checking in every now and then, ask basic getting to know you questions and chat about our day. i got more and more comfortable with the idea of him as a friend and opened myself up to him little by little. sometimes i would reach out to him and not receive a message back for months, bc he would take breaks from tumblr [i'm assuming for his mental health, which is understandable]. he would reply when he next came online and we would chat more. he ended up seeing what i looked like through my side blog and began complimenting me on my looks. occasionally, he would ask a sexual question and i would answer it as honestly as i could. [normally, i wouldn't tolerate that shit, but i was starting to like him.] his line of questioning got more personal as time went on and it felt like maybe we were connecting. so as the months progressed, naturally, i thought maybe i wasn't delusional and that he liked me for me [i sent him a full body pic and it was received relatively well, i think] so i thought that maybe he would be interested in continuing this outside of the confines of this website and decided to work up the courage to ask him if he wanted my number. this is where it goes wrong. he meets my question with a question and i start to think that this is already a bad start and maybe i misread the situation. am i wrong for thinking that a man who's called me pretty and cute and hot would want my number? am i? well apparently, because he never ended up saying yes. this felt as good as rejection and immediately the walls came up and i started being short with him. I even wrote "i'll take that as a no then" to which he replied some bullshit like "i twasn't a no at all" and all i could think was "yeah but it wasn't a yes either", which is as good as imo. he wanted an explanation for why i wanted this bc he always assumed he was bugging me [which btw is another thing i want to touch on. in the past, he has mentioned feeling like he bugs me quite often and i thought i'd been doing enough to let him know that that was simply not the case but ofc that was his reasoning this time too] and i explained that i liked talking to him and wanted to respect the time he takes off from tumblr bc ik it can be disruptive and it was met with an "im sorry if..." and that shit makes my blood boil so i havent responded back to him. it's been over 24 hours since he replied to me. i spent that afternoon absolutely bawling my eyes out. then i spent the evening upset too. i was having big feelings, for sure and couldn't deal with them. i feel maybe i was too harsh but he was too.

anyway, i've been listening to sad music and crying abt anything and everything lmao...

[rrelationshipadvice]

i think im in love with my friend, and i confessed about a year ago and they don't reciprocate, which i understand, esp bc theyre aro. we're still friends and i care about them a lot, and i miss them a lot since they had to move even further away than before and are going through a lot, and we dont talk as much as before. i try to offer my support as best as i can but they know i am also mentally fragile so they dont open up to me as much (at least i think thats the reason)

im so touch starved i think, and i wanted really hard at one point to be more physically intimate/close with them, i always asked about if they were uncomfortable before and after we hung out, usually i leaned on them or put my head on their shoulder, sometimes hugged or tried to cuddle or hold them, and they always said it was fine, but it also seemed like they were shying away sometimes and not initiating stuff and i was really confused so i kept asking about it, and i think i scared them off by trying to seek this closeness or by asking about it so much instead of letting it happen naturally… they said they realize they arent really comfortable being super physical with anyone so i stopped trying that. they still initate physical contact like tight hugs when we see each other after a long while and putting their head on my shoulder so i feel like its ok if i do the same back sometimes but i dont try to seek it out specifically that much anymore bc i dont understand what theyre okay with really… they dont seem to mind me telling them theyre hot and losing my shit at their preformances, they call me hot sometimes too or appreciate how i look. they have talked about sex and sexual stuff and specifically didnt call themselves ace in a situation where others (including me) were pointed out to be ace so i think theyre not? and they talk about both fictional and irl hot men and sex and sexy fics and stuff. ive been thinking im ace for a while bc ive never really had specific sexual feelings for real people before(only for fictional characters, or like getting turned on when reading fics of a ship i love). but now ive been imagining myself doing stuff with them(so obvious im a virgin too lmao idk how to talk about sex) and i cant tell if im like. Actually experiencing these feelings or if im so attached to them im trying to imagine any possible configuration of a closer relationship to them…

and i keep imagining talking to them about it all and them agreeing to be in a fwb situation or queerplatonic relationship or something… they were okay for a bit with calling us queerplatonic or partners or (fandom term) for very close friends, but we stopped bc they felt it put too much like. pressure on our relationship to be Something and follow certain idk behaviours, and i assume it was because of the closeness i desired too probably then...

so i dont think it would ever happen really, after that, esp since i dont seem like their type, and i think they think im super asexual because i feel relatively uncomfortable casually talking about sex bc im so inexperienced… and also bc im 22 and theyre 19 and internet bullshit has made me feel predatory for a lot of things. i often feel bad or gross even imagining things with them or even being attracted to them because of that. sigh why is shit so complicated :/

ig i dont really have a specific question for advice, really just wanted to share this with Someone bc i dont feel like i can. but if anyone has advice or can emphatize or uncover some nifty aro/ace stuff i dont know of yet bc i havent done enough research id appreciate it lmao, ty for this blog <3

.

[xx-neon]

july 4th

hi again.

i was planning on writing more. the whole point of this was to get my feelings out everyday to cope but its been awhile.

again, if youre not me reading this. good luck.

so my ex broke up with me right? so much happened that i didnt know about. im tired of talking about it really since its been such a hot topic (my ex and i work together too and share a lot of the same friends) thats the cherry on top lol.

he has a new girlfriend. they started dating the day he left.

ouch.

another ouch? 

im her manager at work

looking at it now. this is all one giant hilarious cluster fuck LOL.

im not going to go into details of the messy stuff since its a dead horse at this point.

do i seem happier?

i actually tried killing myself. 

not because of him though. hes a loser with nothing going for him so that would be a waste. i did it because of all the emotions after what happened. i didnt have enough time to find somewhere to live. i couldnt bring my cat with me if i moved with my parents far away. i felt like the whole world was against me and i didnt do anything to deserve it. and it wasnt going to get better. i talked about being in a hole and trying to climb out in my last post. this hole extended 1000 ft in the ground and there was no sign of light. i had no sign of light in me. i didnt eat for a week. i drank everyday. i couldnt sleep. why me? what did i do wrong? is this my karma for being me?

so i really did it.

obviously it didnt work lol. im still here. i spent 6 days in the hospital. one in the ER and 5 in the BHU. i was diagnosed with an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and psychosis. i got help for my drinking too. whoo 

this sounds cringy. but i feel reborn. i didnt mention in my last post but i have BPD (boarderline personality disorder). ive been diagnosed for about 10 years. most of those spent unmedicated and out of therapy so i was really rawdogging life LOL. if you know anything about BPD its probably the worst thing to deal with. thankfully im self aware so i havent ruined my life but fuck man everyone else ruins it for me. 

im in extensive therapy. im on like what... 4 medications?? and i just feel like life is great. ewwww so cringe LOL. but seriously. it is. i dont think ive ever felt so normal in my life. my anxiety is gone. paranoia is gone. my head feels so light now im not bogged down. idk its just so nice. i smile at work now. i smile when i see my friends that i never knew i had. i just know how great life can be.

but then theres this.

schadenfreude

its a german word for basically feeling happy off of someone elses misery.

thats how i feel towards my ex

i know i know its fucked up. but what he did to me isnt?

i never said i was a good person LOL.

i love i just LOVE hearing about how miserable he looks and how happy i look. i revel in it. i cherish in it. i frolic in a field of flowers in it LOL.

okay. we get it. but seriously. i knew karma would come. thats why i learned to stay silent. yes i did lash out and have a mental breakdown wouldnt we all? but he lost friends over this. people think hes fucked up. that in itself makes me feel better. ya know schadenfreude. i do wish he could be a better person but i dont wish him the best. him feeling like this is good. he’ll learn from it. he’ll learn he cant always get away with being an asshole. karma will continue to come his way and she wont hold back. 

ill try to write more now that im happy. 

xx

[skiasurveys]

Do you feel guilty? if yes, why so?

yeah, I think its from my trauma.

Has someone you cared about moved recently?

yes, my best friend

Do you know the band DiscoToTheStars? If you like Nickasaur, NeverShoutNever, shit like that, you should look them up.

I remember them but never cared for them

Are you trying hard in life?

yes.

Do you need to brush your teeth?

yes, ty for reminding me

Does your tongue hurt?

Nope

Where are you?.

Sitting in my bed, filling out this survey.

Are you sad?

when am i not lmao

Do you like xbox?

i used too but now im kinda more into nintendo switch, or ps. i havent rly gamed in a long time beside sims.

Do you eat peanut butter?

yup

How many fingers do you have?

i have ten

Will you be mad at me if i don’t make this survey very long?

short is sometimes better

Does your tummy hurt?

no

Who do you sit with at lunch?

by myself lol i work from home

Were you wrong all along?

i was about my ex

Have you seen “Ferrets” on YouTube?.

nope

I fucking hate Rihanna, do you?

help..this is so aggressive. I don't hate her, i dont have any opinion on her.

Are you the only person awake right now?

nope

Do you feel alone?

i feel like I do because I work/school from home, a lot of my friends have moved, or are busy with life, so yeah.

Are you itchy?

im always so itchy, idk why

Do you need to wash your face?

nope, I already did.

Do you want animals when you grow up? .

technically i am a grown up..and i want more. I have one cat, and I wanna adopt another.

Do you have an annoying old grandmother?

nah, I love her.

What year are you taking this?

2023.

Do you think the world will end in 2012?

oh this is DATED.

What’s your name?

skia

Are you eating chicken?

not atm

Do you have pubic hair?

i do, but I need to wax soon

What’s your favorite flavor ice-cream?

mint, or vanilla

Have you made a survey before?

yes, but havent in a long time.

What’s the nearest rainbow object around you?

i dont think I have any near me.

Do you have a phone? i don’t.

Its an Iphone 11 Pro Max

Who are you dating? Wanna tell me about them?

mentally pedro pascal

How would you like to kill someone?

i-

Do you like to wear clothes?

yes, I actually HATE being naked.

Are you happy?

...Im content atm

Pencils or markers?

pencils

Do you draw, or sing?

I draw

Don’t you hate hangnails?

god yes..i have one atm

What kind of surveys do you like?

random or deep ones

Have you ever gave someone a hand/blow job? Received one?

i have given one, and ive been fingered but i dont have a dick so i havent had a hand job lmao

Did it snow for you on Christmas?

i dont think it snowed on christmas

What’s the date?

feb 20/23

Do you feel like a stalker?

Lol no, but sometimes I check ppls socials

Do you read FML, MLIA, OMGFACTS, etc?

oh I used too a long ass time ago

Are you hungry?

Not really

What’s your worst fear?

ending up alone

What’s your favorite pattern?

i dont have one

Do you shop at Hot Topic?

i used too, but I havent been there in years lol

What’s your favorite song?

i cant ever answer this

[the-little-red-noodle]

1-12-23 12:06am

You know it’s bad when she’s getting on tumblr

It’s probably been 10 years, nearly exactly. Where did my coping skills go? Where did my hope go? This can’t be just a boy. This is existential. This is everything wrong. This is the 2 people i loved the last 3 years being passive about my affection. Take it or leave it.

I feel empty. I’m all squeezed out. All the good parts of me were handed out in high school. All the passion, all the butterflies, all the fairytale love went down the drain with Harrison, and i don’t think I’ve been in love with anyone since. I’ve drifted to whichever nest would house me for a couple months, and now it’s catching up to my body. All the use, all the pain, all the abuse. The touches i didn’t want, the trauma of loss, and i don’t even know real loss. Abandonment. I’m a shell. You guys won, I’m empty now. I’ve been pushed between people, and didn’t love myself enough to think about it too much. That should have told everyone that something was wrong.

I haven’t hurt myself since i was 15 or 16. I haven’t had to cover up cuts and dread a hot room and dart my eyes around to see if anyone noticed. I haven’t had to strategize how to avoid revealed skin for long enough that theyd look like cat scratches.

Day 0, again. This is the 2nd time in the last few weeks now. I has this horrible realization that when you’ve had an addiction like this, it’ll find you when you’re at your lowest. Even when you’re 10 years sober. Even when you’re the one moms ask for advice about their girls hurting themselves, and you stare blankly because you legitimately forgot what it felt like. To need that, to do it, to feel the after, to hide it..

it’s hot. Warm to the touch, it feels 10 degrees higher than the rest of me. Rush of immune cells and macrophages. Lysosomes dropping off tangled proteins to ward off the invader bacteria that comes from an open wound.

I’m sorry body. I’m sorry for making you feel like you needed to expend the biomatter to clean up after me. I’m sorry for making you confused. I thought we were passed it, too.

Here you are again, Sam. 10 years later, you’ve wound up in the same mental space. You’ve lost your overachiever mentality for school. You’ve lost becca, a best friend of a decade, and you havent even begun to grieve it because youre so resentful and think youre right. You’re far from your family. Youre in a dark apartment in a city you dont care for. You’re starting to get a bad drug habit, with molly this time, so you can numb the bad and feel good. This ones way better than the weed youre using. Youre still scared to talk to girls. You’re settling for whoever will express sexual interest in you because you so badly want to be chosen. You so badly want for someone to want you and find you intoxicating. You think you used to be, i think i used to be. But a luxury product tarnishes when it’s always on sale.

Coming out of a breakup to people putting in fuck buddy applications just actually solidified that this is how people see me. I’m an object. I’m not ugly, but I’m not smart or sexy enough, I’m not actually worth the trouble i cost. I’m just pushed between rooms to the next person who wants to hold my skin for 20 minutes, say they think my hair is cool, and that I’m so interesting when i haven’t said a word.

Edgar basically telling me that he’s not sure he was ever in love with me, school pitfalls, family fragments, i cant even take care of myself enough to adopt a dog.. i just feel like this unremarkable waste of a person.

I wish that i could block me out. I deleted my instagram. I want to block everyone and delete every phone number and write out every word o hate i think and eat the paper. I feel like the paper cuts would be enough to finally drown me out.

I used to try. I used to have that fire. I would feel like i was getting back on the horse, gallop a couple yards, and then get bucked off. My attitude was my saving grace for this last decade, but it was also contrived. I was the manic pixie dream girl. I clung to that. I wanted to be just that. I wanted to be sparkly and bubbly and brightly colored but I’m cynical and I’m selfish and I’m mean and i talk about friends behind their backs and i start drama and i flirt with people until I’m done with them or get bored and move on, and i half ass things, and i have an attitude with my manager, and i eat like crap, and I’m not as friendly as i used to be, and I’m not as genuine as i used to be, and I’m not as trusting as i used to be.

Can you blame me?

Once you go through this many friendship explosions, this many breakups, this many mental breakdowns, this many panic attacks, this many nights holding a push pin, you just stop trying. I get it, id be sick of me too. Id call me a succubus too. Id uninvite me to parties. Id avoid me like the plague. The only people in my circle in la now are the ones i haven’t burned too bad yet, but i will. Because I’m selfish and bad and it’s all a lie. I’m not sweet. I’m not thoughtful. I’m not empathetic, i clam up when people spill emotions now. I’ve been tarnished. I’ve been ruined. Somewhere along the way, those things i loved about myself became myths that i tried to keep alive.

Everything hurts and I’ll close my eyes and I’ll be fine in a week, and I’ll laugh it off that i just had a bad night, just a couple of bad nights. 

I need sleep, i need physical contact, i need to feel anchored in this week but i so tragically don’t. Becca pulled my roots out of the ground and left me dry and I’ve been laying on the pavement looking up at the world growing apathetic. I deserve this. I’ll stay here.

Sorry to anyone who’s met me, sounds like a bad time ngl

[sh1tido4you]

I havent written in like a year. Not like anyone actually cared or anything but i mean nobody even reads what i write. So this is all really just a waste of time. But i wanna talk to people. I want to feel heard, sometimes i dream of getting on stage and scream the words thats been wrapped around my neck for a long long time. But at the same time, i dont wanna be pitied. I hate the faces people make when they pity u it just makes u feel even more pathetic than u actually are. I just want to get this out of my chest u know? Ive really been struggling. I struggled my way out through my childhood. I was molested by my own family, i dated men thrice my age in primary school. I was abused, physically and mentally for years and at the same time taking care of my sister. I grew up poor. I grew up with no money but we had enough to live. Every day i wake up i think of ways to escape home, i didnt even have anyone to turn to. It got so bad i started self harming. I wanted to die so bad that i prayed for it, and gosh i still do. Im not a good person. Ive done some really bad things, people find me bad and theyre right. I keep telling myself that im a person of good heart but i know my evil my demons know me. Theyre apart of me and they will always be. Im not pretty. Im not strong, im not smart. I dont have a hot body, my hair is thin. My family is broken, and im very poor. Dont get me wrong im grateful for what i have but the truth is there im just unlucky in so many aspects of life. Ive had uncountable amount of exes in the past and to be frank i still dont know why. I have an amazing boyfriend, this year it'll be our 4th anniversary. Yeah, longest relationship ive been in. Hes from a beautiful family, financially stable parents and good relationship with his siblings. He has a big no huge family and he is really lovely. I dont know what seems to be the problem but i am starting to be unhappy. I feel like he is going to abandon me some day and no matter how hard i try to convince myself otherwise, deep down i know it'll happen. And the worst part is that he should. Hes amazing and im nothing good, in a disgrace, im a girl destined to always fail. Ive failed at everything but please, i dont wanna fail at love. Love is extraordinary, its something i genuinely feel so much with great force its my strength. I am full of it but i deserve none because im a horrible person inside and out. But we all crave for something we dont deserve right? Hes been making me feel like shit lately and i know he didnt mean that but i can feel him slowly fading out of my life and im so scared of getting abandoned again especially not him. I feel my safest when im with him in fact hes the only person i can really, truly count on. So im scared like hell. Damn it denver please dont run away. Im sorry im so selfish but i cant live like this anymore. I dont want to go through my shit for my entire life alone. My parents they dont get it. They think the that the main reason to my unending problems is because i dont pray enough. They think that the only solution to all my problems is simply just pray them all away. I wish it was that simple. They dont know how i kneeled down, sobbing and praying that God will end this all away. In the toilet, at 3 am with blood dripping down my arm. Its just too hurtful that i started to pray to just die. If He doesnt want me to stop suffering then He can just end me its that easy. God why do u hate me? Why cant i feel light like the other children? Why do i always have to be strong, isnt this enough? Havent i suffered enough? What more are u trying to prove? Until when? Im just so tired. Theres so many responsibilities i have to take as i get older, the amends i have to make with people that i dont want to have in my life just for the sake of being a good person. I want to live freely and happy and loved and safe. But then again, we all crave for something we dont deserve right?

[bokugaos]

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