#i haven't the energy to articulate any thoughts at all! and

[factual-fantasy]

28 asks! :DD Thank you as always!! 💖💖

@astaherussy

My FNAF AU has been sorted out. In the sense that the timeline has been re-written enough that I can go back to drawing it..

Now the next comic in the AU is a re-write/re-draw of my old FNAF comic, Moon Malfunction. A few months ago though there were several time sensitive projects that came up and I needed to shelf Moon Malfunction 2.0 until they were done. Well now they're all done.. but Moon Malfunction is gonna take me some time to get around to..

For the past few months I've been in a really bad spot mentally and physically. And taking on my FNAF Recap/Repair project is just not something I feel I have the mental energy to do at the moment.. All it feels like is a one big pile of work. And all I wanna do I just draw what ever comes easily to me and focus on recovering..

Soooo for the time being,, my main FNAF AU might not see any updates for a bit.. Though I haven't forgotten about it and I do want to get back to it at some point soon. But for now I want to cut any work out of my relaxing/drawing time and just draw what ever I want. Which atm is pirate cookies-- <XDD

They're also great for grabbing something across the room while I stay in bed 😎😎

Why haven't I drawn anything like that yet- what--

I might just have to at some point! :00

@ardent-38

AWWW THANK YOU SO MUCH!! THATS SO SWEET!! BUT ALSO LSKNAKJ XDDD

I never thought of it like that! Anyone who gets into the game through my characters is like a lactose intolerant person recommending an ice-cream joint- and they're very persuasive! XDD

But fr, thank you! And hey, even if my characters aren't in the game, they'll always be here on Tumblr waiting for you XDD

Actually, I wasn't! :00 I haven't seen that episode of the Cuphead show. But I'm assuming its about Cala Maria and Captain Brineybeard, yes? If so I can easily see the relation XD

(Post in question)

AAAA THANK YOU!! The comic was different than what I'm used to. But it was a nice change of pace. I'm glad you liked it! :}}}

@badlyblurry (Post in question)

FRRRRRR THO He's been holding that glow back for a while. Trying not to send the wrong messages to Blue and potentially damage their friendship 💔💔

XDDD ITS OK!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :DDD 💖💖✨

@mod-bubamon

I have! In this post you can see 3 of them floating behind Melvin! (The anthro donkey)

And in this post, you can see Melvin holding one while it passes away... :((((( Sad day for sure.

Well? What did she taste like? XDD

Oh wait you're dead my bad-

Unfortunately I cant think of any songs that would match each crew members theme.. Rn all my brain can think about is this 👇

@nunyabusiness459 (Comic in question)

🥰🥰THANK YOU!! :DDD

What is primordial dough? :0

@2006-stupid-thatsme

Thank you! :DD Though unfortunately my fwernnd, I am known for being very bad at explaining how I do art things. :(

If I tried to explain my thought/design process it would just be a lot of word spaghetti that boils down to "uhhh... I just drew it.,. aandd if it dont look good.. draw it differently.. until it looks good-"

My advice would be to look on YouTube for character design tutorials or ask some other artists that have artwork similar to mine and see if they can help. :( Again, so sorry! I wish I could articulate my thoughts better 💔💔

@beryl-shade

This actually makes me think- Google says that if you add too much sugar to a cookie they become brittle.

Huh,, makes me think. If one of the cookies was baked with too much sugar.. they'd break real easy.. hmm.. 👀👀

@whereismycupofcoffee

@artistiemi

Thank you so much!! :DD I wish the same for you!! ✨💖✨

@sunnys-bloog

I've thought about drawing them! :0 And I thiiink I drew Franny one time..? The Blue one. Although I don't think I'll be able to find the sketch unfortunately-

NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!!

tbh though I think they'd see him as just a normal guy! :0 Right..?

@beryl-shade

I'm not sure.. considering what I know about the games.. I thiiink they'd be horrified?? <XDD If they understand that they're made of dough, it'd be the equivalent of a human walking into a giant meat factory where they chop up meat and make weird false humans..

Okay yeah, they'd be horrified for sure XDDD

@wdillustration

:DD THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :}}}

@neo-metalscottic (Cookie run post in question)

AAAAA thank you so much!! I'm glad you liked it!! :DD As for the power, I think you're right about it being a rare occasion. And the idea of her gaining better control over it over time? While her love grows as well?? Perfection. But man I'm also tempted to make it so she can change when ever she wants. :( I really like drawing her and Seafoam together like that.. 🥺

As for the Colossal squid episode,, I'd have to go back and re-watch it to decide if I'll keep it for my AU or not..

But thinking about all the stuff you described about a violent altercation and nightmares?? 👀👀 Its giving me ideas! XDD

Now if the crew did face a violent altercation like that, I imagine their #1 goal would to protect the Octopod. That's their home man! They would probably do what ever they could to get the octopod away from the situation. Like the Captain manually piloting it and some of the crew being sent out in gups to distract the squid. Stuff like that :0

@luna-purple454

AAA IT WAS ON THE 10TH BUT THANK YOU!! XDD :DD

@khoiazo

It was on the 10th actually- and hey thanks! Seam could probably use the calories <XD

@unpopularartist14 (referencing this ask post)

<XD oh boy, what a stark contrast between the sides--

@shaziztrazh

I didn't have them in mind while designing them,, though maybe I took some subconscious inspiration? I see the similarities! :0

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

According to Meghan approved Deuxmoi stories, she's beautiful inside and out, loyal, intelligent and thoughtful. Articulate about her beliefs and what she stands for. Very fun and goofy (emphasis on very). Someone everyone would love to have a good girls night. Loves to be around women and thrives off good energy.

Re: Harry saying the press caused all the issues but runs to them: Harry makes his point clear that he's not anti-press, he doesn't tolerate certain outlets and journalists who are unethical, those who are baseless in their reporting and spark hatred and drama from lies. There's also a difference between UK press/tabloid media and the press at large.

Re: not mentioning William and Kate lived at Nott Cott before moving: Maybe they did, nobody knows what Netflix cut. If they didn't, it wasn't an intentional omission. In the cOnTeXt of everything it's not that interesting.

Re: Harry thinking the family will mend their issues after the release of spare: Screenshot of Roya's Times article, saying that royal insiders seem to think so because royal insiders or sources are Palace mouthpieces.

Re: if they think they haven't done anything wrong or are at fault: Harry addressed this in interviews that he's sure they've made mistakes

Re: the dogs and chickens getting evacuated from Montecito: they're safe

Re: why so many inconsistencies: screenshot of Ellie Hall quote tweeting J.R. Moehringer's screenshot of Harry explaining his memory or lack thereof in the book

Re: Harry panicking before releasing documentary and book: not true

Re: them being difficult to work with and rumors they're jerks to staff: they're gracious and generous. Like any business, people come and go for myriad of reasons

Re: Harry quoting Spice Girls unknowingly in the book: the source isn't sure but he loves them.

LOL, tell me you're Roya's source without saying you're Roya's source.

I'm glad the chickens are safe though. I hope they're right about that.

[whoever-the-heck]

One week on and I still haven't fully articulated how I really feel about Daisy Jones and The Six season finale because I am quite conflicted about it. The truth is even though I like a lot of the things that happened including some changes from the book, largely I just feel vaguely dissatisfied with the way it ended.

There were many episodes where it felt like the story seemed to have fast-forwarded over events we didn't see unfold on the screen. I now understand this is because a lot of the scenes were cut to fit the whole series into a 10-episode storyline. This is a problem. Some examples:

How Daisy and Billy fell in love. We know they fell deeply and hopelessly in love, because we read the book. Those who hadn't read it could buy this because of Sam Claflin's eye acting (the man has mastered the look) and frankly because Riley and Sam just have crazy chemistry that even without explanation, if you ask them to gaze into each other's eyes, you'll feel the sexual energy. But the how of it all largely happened off screen. I would have liked to see the process happen to maximize said chemistry between the actors, and to really land the emotional turmoil and dilemma at the heart of the story. Without the excellent performances, they wouldn't have been able to sell that love to the audience because it wasn't shown.

The songs' significance. We got like 5 songs! Honeycomb, Let Me Down Easy, Please (which we didn't even hear performed), More Fun to Miss and Regret Me. The rest - how did Billy and Daisy come up with those and what the hell were they about? We know they're about the push-pull between the two or something, but some explanation would have helped! Discovering how they came up with those songs and those lyrics would have enriched the story and the music.

The bond between the band mates. Okay we know the Dunne Brothers were close, and Karen was able to assimilate into the group quite quickly, but how about Daisy? How did she form bonds with everyone? We didn't even get any moments between her and Eddie or Graham. How did her friendship with Karen grow? I give a shit about these things but didn't get to see them happen. Her leaving the band at the end, saying it was her family - sheesh, I didn't feel that. How close were they even? Or did she just mean Billy, Karen, and to some degree Warren? Riley was excellent, and without her that whole Honeycomb sequence would have fallen apart meaninglessly.

Simone and Bernie actually made it work. Huh?! The last scene of them together in episode 9, with Two Against Three in the background, was Simone leaving with her bags and Bernie crying on the couch. Then in episode 10 Simone and Daisy eat together and she says she actually turned down Attic Records and reconciled with Bernie. I would have liked to see how that happened! The disconnect between what was shown and what was told was jarring.

Daisy doesn't want to be broken. Oh I love this scene, and Riley's delivery of that line. But I can't for the life of me ignore the sense that I missed something there - that was the last time she held him! That was the last time they were intimate! Did she realize she had to let him go and leave the band at that very moment? Again, I got that sense of being fed bullshit because what I was shown and what I was told were two different things with a missing connection. Cut to a scene with Daisy alone processing this, or a few seconds of her being pensive onstage before her big speech would have gone a long way. Instead I was left feeling that her big sacrifice was another impulsive thing she did at the drop of a hat - which it wasn't! It's just the show wasn't successful in showing that Daisy really decided this was the best for both of them and I hate that.

One of the reasons the book really landed that climactic moment between Daisy and Camilla is the book obviously was able to detail the thought process behind it. I remember feeling shocked - no matter how we spin it, Camilla basically told Daisy to back off and fuck off. For her own good as well as Billy's and Camilla's and Julia's. Two birds with one stone in a sense. That was such a powerful moment. And Daisy really understood where Camilla was coming from, and she understood that it would be the best for her too.

I liked that the show wanted to give this empowering moment to Daisy alone. But. Again. There was more telling (big speech) and less showing, which is really problematic because duh it's a tv show! I hate that this is a missed opportunity because I really would have loved to see Daisy empowered by this decision even though it was hard for her. In the end, it arguably became about letting Billy go because he would spiral down further if he chose her.

I mean I love that it was a Great Love moment, because she let him go for his own sake. But then again, book Daisy left not only for Billy, but for herself, and for Billy's family. It was a great, self-empowering moment that also made her selfless in a sense. Show Daisy did it for him, arguably also for her, but Camilla and Julia did not factor into it.

Other thoughts:

They were unfair to Eddie ☹️ He came across as kind of a loser once he left the band.

So what did Billy do for a living after all the self-reflection and therapy? Just curious.

Did Simone and Daisy keep in touch, like in the book? We don't know.

How much time passed between Julia passing on her mother's message to Billy and Billy coming to see Daisy? Just curious. I guess him shaving amounted to a few days at least? 😅 Weird if he went right over!

Did they think about each other after? Probably. We can imagine because of their smiles talking about their first meeting. I would have appreciated some insight from the interview on this.

Why didn't they show us Billy or Daisy saying the iconic lines "Everything that made Daisy burn...."? I love the montage, but would have liked to see their faces as well. Imagine saying that to Julia.

Billy's smile when she opened the door looked sad to me. It didn't reach his eyes, unlike hers. Maybe it's Camilla's passing?

They shoved Billy and Daisy so far down our throats so I am generally dissatisfied that they left it hanging like that. It worked in the book but in the show, not really, not for me anyway.

Good thing the show has a lot of fans who delve deep into the show and attempt to interpret all the missing pieces. Season 2 will go a long way to fill in the gaps.

[useless-moss]

My brain is a shipping mess rn.

Like. Words can not even properly articulate the dilemma I am in regarding my story and the relationships within it.

Just.

Vigcup and dagcup are so cute. They're both literally enemies to friends to lovers and they hold so much fuel for angst and hurt/comfort and fluffy cuddles by a fireplace and the trust that is built up and I-

I just-

And Viggo and Dagur fighting to win Hiccups affection is such a top tier idea and I'm surprised nobody has written about it before. Viggo giving Hiccup flowers, handmade gifts, poetry he's written for him. Dagur trying to combat all that and not really knowing how. Angst and self doubt and comfort and whatnot follows.

Then again hicstrid is amazing. They're so wholesome and, yeah, it's kinda basic, but it's still so cute. They care for each other so much and it's adorable. And their dragons are best friends which makes it even cuter.

But Heather is also so freaking gay for Astrid that it's not even funny and they would be so cute together. Friends to lovers. Warrior women who would kill and die for each other. They're such an amazing team in the show and I just.

I think about all this and think I have it figured out and then my brain just. It's just like "hey, what about Dagur being a disaster bi for both Viggo and Hiccup?" and I'm suddenly sent reeling again. Especially with with found family aspect that literally has Viggo helping Dagur raise his adopted son and being deemed the kids 'second dad'.

This has already been decided BTW. Its set in stone. Dagur and Viggo are raising a child together in my story and Ryker helps out and is that kinda aloof uncle figure.

They take turns keeping an eye on this bundle of chaos and unfathomable energy. Have to sleep in small cuddle piles because this child refuses to sleep at all if he can't use at least one of his dads as a pillow. Viggo and Dagur get to see softer sides of each other that completely contradict their usual reputations.

Then Krogan comes along and becomes another father/the mother figure of this family and my brain just.

Implodes.

Kroggo. Angst. Hurt/comfort. Fluff. Trauma buddies.

And it's all just a love pentagram at this point and I haven't even thought about the other riders or any other relationships because my brain just. Latches. Locks its jaws on a collection of ideas and shakes it all around like a rabid animal.

Please help I need outside opinions on all of this

[firstdivisiongirl]

Hello! Before I continue, I'd just like to say that you have been doing wonderfully with the plethora of matchups you have received! I'm pleasantly surprised by your level of pace and generosity; I haven't seen such a prolific writer on this app in a while. :)) Thanks for all the amazing works you've written so far! Well, going forward, I would like to make a request for a matchup myself, if you don't mind: Can I please have a Tokyo Revengers perfect match with one of the males? If so, thank you so much in advance. ^^ — ABOUT ME (see below) — — My pronouns: I am a cisgender female, so I go by pronouns aligned with my sex.

— My love languages:

• What I give: I primarily give Quality Time, Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation.

• What I'd like to receive: I have a preference for receiving Acts of Service and Words of affirmation. They definitely make me feel most appreciated! Though, since I don't frequently initiate physical intimacy, a partner who is well-versed in expressing Physical Touch is sweet, too.

— My personality:

• I’m an extroverted-introvert: though I can be long-winded, and I appreciate the many beautiful impacts conversing can bring, my solitude tends to be where I feel most comfortable. I also much rather prefer a small circle of trusted people to a large group, unless they’re my family. • I’m a broad thinker and enjoy delving deep into topics with close friends and family members, especially my mother! Being insightful and empathetic—and with what I deem deep holistic perception of others—I can act as a great advisor to others—if they're receptive to my aid.

• I tend to work quite hard and ambitiously in honor of my goals and plans; I'm very dedicated and hardworking when I set my mind to something.

• I’m self-aware and introspective, and I need plenty time to reflect and shift inwards; after all, the source of my art and insights is my vivid internal world. My imagination is strong, too, and in much mental processing, I tend to creatively articulate my thoughts and feelings; thus, analogies and longer, verbose dialogue is practically an inveterate habit of mine — when I'm doing well. ^^'

• Though I'm caring and even friendly at times, I’m known to be just as direct and firm; to an extent, I've carried intensity in my aura ever since a young age—it's much been embedded in my soul, I believe, so essentially, it's an integral part of my being.

• I dislike superficiality and shallowness, uncleanliness, procrastination, overstimulation, and those who hold little regard for others and themselves...

• My downsides reside in my tendency to overanalyze and overthink. I'm highly detail-oriented and put much care and thought to whatever I may be handling, and while I consider that to be one of my greatest strengths, it can also warp into a weakness as it can greatly impede me from taking necessary steps forward.

Secondly, I also have a small liability for self-sacrifice: I care profoundly for others, but—mind you—as an introvert and sensitive person, I've found that my usage in energy matters greatly—so on occasions, I have ended up overextending myself as I attempt to satisfy the needs/wants of those around me.

And lastly, when I've not been well or have been overstimulated from my environment, I can feel either a) drained and tired, and consequently isolate myself from others until rejuvenated; or b) infused with anger, on constant edge, and have near explosive reactions (and while this takes much more of a push than the former state, it is extreme). :')

And if it is of any help to you, here is part of my typology and Big 3 in astrology: I'm an INFJ 1w2 125, and an Aries sun, Virgo moon, and Libra rising individual.

— My hobbies:

During my leisure, I orient my time mainly towards productivity and relaxation, as well as activities geared towards learning and expanding my knowledge.

• Dancing and singing (both are my high-energy releasers), reading, listening to music, cleaning around my home, and studying astrology, psychology, and philosophy are all hobbies I do here-and-there.

Again, if you do accept this matchup, then you have my gratitude — I truly appreciate it. Have a great day, Aly!ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

Hello 😊. Thank you so much. It gets very overwhelming but I’m powering through it. I’m happy you like my work and I hope you like your matchup!

You Got…

Takashi Mitsuya!!!!

He’s very loving person and likes to help those he cares about whenever he can.

Would love that you show much interest in what he likes. Would talk to you for hours about sewing, fashion, Toman, etc.

I think his sisters would love you. They’d ask for you to teach them how to dance or sing.

Mitsuya can handle any person in any mode (apparently his youngest sister Mana is scary if you wake her up lol). So if you are overstimulated, he will do whatever he needs to do for you depending on your mood.

Loves imagination and creativity and I think philosophical and astrological topics. It would help give inspiration for new designs.

He’d help you clean.

Dates would be something like star gazing or walks in the park. Something where you two can have great talks.

[gwemmieee]

I'm having a lot of thoughts. A lot of things happened today. Some very good, but some intensely stressful. I started the day with another trauma nightmare and have been low energy the entire time, maybe due to my new routine of weekend caffeine withdrawal.

There's one line of thought I can't get out of my head. In the middle of a passionate discussion with some friends, I realized today that at some point, between finally understanding and trusting myself, then having that trust tested by a car accident and resulting new physical disability, then breaking out of a lifelong case of Stockholm syndrome, and finally running away to find real family, I became aware of my lost innocence. I looked the world I had come to understand dead in the eye, and rejected it. With intense hatred. I realized that if there is any being who decided that the universe should operate the way it does, then I truly believe that I will never have it in my heart to forgive that being. In fact, sometimes I enjoy fantasizing about wringing this personification's little neck, and reveling in their own painful death by my hands. I recognized myself, my soul, as a being who will never accept this world as it currently is. I considered ending it all--but then I made a conscious decision to keep going anyway. I've finally come to understand now how I did that.

As long as I can remember, at least as long as I've been old enough to be able to form memories at all, I have felt a pain and an answer. The pain is something I emotionally and unconsciously attach to every individual piece of the unusually large quantities of suffering I've been through so far in my life, but I suspect it originally was born from abandonment, of being born to a biological family that was never going to lift a finger to help me feel welcome or loved. The answer is, "this is wrong." The answer is, "it doesn't have to be this way." The answer is, "I can and will do everything I can to help effectively eradicate suffering from the universe." Please do not read any rash actions or arrogance into my words. I am not about to go out on some sort of violent spree. I do not believe in applying force to systems or creatures that aren't ready to change. I am not interested in jumping the gun and doing harm. I seem to have an infinite well of patience. To this day, nothing makes me happier than the feeling that I might actually be having a tangible and permanent effect on the world, a push towards more kindness and less cruelty.

So I thought about all of this more today, and I realized how lonely I am in these feelings. I don't actually think that I haven't already met anyone who feels the same way, but... I've been so afraid of opening up about this, and so confused on how to articulate it, that I've never had the chance to really be heard by someone who understands what I mean. And I think what I really need right now, that would help me feel better, is just a hug and a shoulder to cry on from someone who does understand. So, let me know if you're out there reading this.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #53

previously - Journal Entry #52

Victor

"Do you even know what I need?"

I can't believe I said that to my poor husband, especially given how our conversation had been going and the state of mind he was obviously in. Even before the entire sentence was out of my mouth, I regretted it, but unfortunately there was no way to pull it back in.

Several minutes before that, I'd found Yuri in the upstairs bathroom, crying his heart out. I think he was trying to hide from me, but I figured he would've realized by now that he never can. I don't know how I always know when something's wrong with him. I just do, and usually I'm able to help him in some way.

On this night, though? Tonight, not only did I not help, but I possibly made things worse.

Not that anyone else’s opinion has any real impact here, but I want you guys to understand, asking Yuri that question wasn't meant as a rebuke. Although it probably came out sounding that way, I wasn't trying to criticize him.

The truth is, up until recently, he's been giving me exactly what I need, whether he's able to articulate what that is or not. And if he can't put it into words, that's not his fault. It's not as if he's never asked me what I need. He has, but it's my inability to express stuff clearly that's the problem, not his ability to understand, and for me to demand him to explain something that I can barely even explain myself was beyond unfair.

What Yuri does for me, and what I've always needed someone to do, is to help provide stability for me. Sometimes, when I'm scared or stressed or upset, I have a hard time processing my thoughts and regulating my energy. I don't really know how to describe it, but it's like static in my brain, like white noise that makes it nearly impossible for me to hear the part of my mind that controls my impulses and forms logical thoughts. But, Yuri knows how to calm me down when I'm like that. He knows better than anyone what a mess I am, and he always seems to have the ability to sort me out.

Yuri was the one who realized the importance of schedules for me, too. As silly as it sounds, he gave me a regular bedtime and wake-up time, and helped me build other routines into my life that are the same every day. I can't even begin to tell you what a huge difference that's made in terms of how well I'm able to process my emotions and regulate my energy. I guess it's because those are things I don't have to focus on now, so I'm able to devote more brainpower to being a functional human.

Another thing he does is to talk sense into me when I need it. I like to say he's my voice of reason, 'cause I'm not particularly reasonable sometimes.

Being with him has helped me grow as a person. I think I'm more mature because of him, and more responsible. He teaches me by example how to be brave and resilient and emotionally strong. In situations where I'd be likely to give up, Yuri keeps going. As frail and sick as he is, if he can persevere, I have no excuse.

Since he's been really sick this time, though, something's changed. This is the most seriously ill I've ever seen him, and usually when he's not well, he's clingy and needy and just wants to be held and fussed over as much as possible which, contrary to what people may think, I don't mind at all. I haven't been able to take care of him like I normally would, and I'm sure that's affecting him, but it's more than that. I feel like he's been distancing himself from me, and I don't understand why. I've never known him to be as emotionally fragile as he's been over the past several weeks, and I suppose I expected that to lead to him wanting more affection, not less.

Not gonna lie, the lack of physical touch is hard on me, 'cause that's another thing I need. I'm a very tactile person, and Yuri touching me in any way makes me feel grounded and safe, particularly because I know how much of an act of trust it is for him to touch or be touched by anyone. I love it when he gets onto my lap and wants me to hold him, but I'm equally happy when he gives me a hug or plays with my fingers or pets my hair. And I like it when he lets me touch him in any way at all, but especially intimately. It's good to feel trusted. I'm missing that now, and it's starting to hurt me quite a lot.

Yuri didn't answer my question, but I didn't expect him to, since it was kind of rhetorical anyway. The problem was, he cried harder, and the sound of his sobs went straight to my heart. It felt like an invisible knife was stabbing me in the chest, and it took a sheer force of will for me not to start crying as well.

I felt so bad for snapping at him and upsetting him more than he already had been. Yes, I was frustrated and confused, but that didn't justify it.

I know there are people out there who believe he uses emotional manipulation on me. Like, people have said that to my face, so I'm not just being weird or paranoid about it. And yeah, maybe he does do it occasionally, but I've never met another human being who doesn't do it once in a while. But, to anyone who thinks Yuri regularly exploits my sensitivity with fake tears or some other made-up crap, I just wanna remind you that you aren't here with us all the time. You see what we show you, and that doesn't always include the moments of raw, genuine emotional reaction.

I promise you, Yuri's tears tonight were real, not made up to trick me into doing anything. In fact, I got the feeling he would’ve preferred that I wasn’t anywhere near him. Something was hurting him, and I was pretty sure it wasn't his illness. I was afraid it was me.

When he didn't respond after several seconds, I said softly, "I'm sorry."

I could barely hear him as he said weakly, "Go away."

"No," I said. "We need to figure this out.

Finally, he looked up at me. His face was all puffy and swollen, and the edges of his eyes were red. He looked awful, and I just wanted to hold him and soothe away any pain that I could.

"There's nothing to figure out," he said. "You'd be better off without me."

"Yuri." His name was all I could get out at first as I battled my desire to break down in tears. I drew in the deepest breath I was capable of. "Yuri, I need you. Please don't ever say I'd be better off without you, 'cause I wouldn't be. Without you, I... I might not even be here."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"How could you forget?" I said. "Remember the day I came home from the hospital? That night?"

"Yes."

I folded my arms close to my body, but the self-protecting gesture did little to prevent the shiver of dread that went through me at the memory of that night. I'm not sure I really wanted to talk about it, but something in my conscience told me I needed to reveal one particular thing to my husband. It was a secret too big to keep, and I needed him to know, and there might never be a more appropriate time.

"That night... I literally wanted to die, Yuri. Not figuratively. Literally. I would've been perfectly fine with closing my eyes and never waking up."

He stared at me, and the expression that crossed his face was nothing short of haunted. "You...? Literally?"

"Yeah," I said. "I was angry and scared and... I don't know. Desperate, I guess. I felt like my whole life was ruined, just because of one dumb mistake."

"It wasn't," he said. "Didn't I tell you that?"

"I know. You did, and I trusted you. It's the reason I'm here," I said. "But, I think I was out of my mind that night. Like, I wasn't thinking straight at all. I'd never been in that much pain in my entire life, and I was worried that I'd never be able to see again, and everything was just... too much. I know it's nothing compared to the pain you're in sometimes, but I still couldn't handle it. Not like you can."

"I didn't realize," he said. "I wanted to help you settle down because I knew you were upset, but I... I didn't realize..."

"I'm still around because of you," I reiterated, and in a flash of clarity it occurred to me that statement was one hundred percent true.

I don't know if there's a word for how horrible and useless and stupid I felt after my accident. Combine that with an excruciating headache, deep bone pain in both my arms, unrelenting nausea from the medication I was taking, and the absolutely terrifying prospect of permanently losing my vision, and I had a recipe for the end of life as I knew it. In hindsight, it's easy to say I was overreacting, but all I wanted on that first night back at home was for all my pain, both physical and psychological, to disappear.

You know how I explained that my struggles with impulse control and rational thinking are worse when I'm stressed? Left alone that night, it's likely that I would've made a very bad choice, and as a consequence, I wouldn't be here right now to share my thoughts about it. Thankfully, I had Yuri by my side. He couldn't make the pain go away, but he convinced me I could endure it and that it'd eventually pass. He was right, and I'm beyond grateful he was there with me.

I continued with, "You told me that you didn't know what you'd do without me. You said you'd stay by me no matter what, and you promised to take care of me, remember? You promised. What happened to that? Didn't you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it."

"If you meant it, then why are you saying I'd be better off without you now?" I said. "If you thought I needed you a few weeks ago, why wouldn't you still think that?"

"Because I was wrong."

"About what?"

"I wanted to be useful," he said. "I wanted to feel like an equal partner, and I wanted you to be able to trust me to look after you."

"I did trust you," I said. "I do."

More tears began to leak from the edges of his eyes and spill down his face. "I really tried. I tried my best to be strong for you and take care of you, but... I couldn't do it. I can't be equal to you. I can't even do a fraction of what you do.”

“It doesn’t matter if you’re not able to do everything all the time. I get it, and it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine, Look what happened to me after only a few days. Other people ended up having to take care of me, and where did that leave my promise to you?"

"You had no control over that," I said. "You did try your hardest, and you were awesome, but we both know you were already starting to get sick before my accident."

"This always happens. It's as if I'm always too ill when you need me the most."

"I need you all the time," I said.

"You don't need me being a burden to you."

"You're not a burden to me. How often am I going to have to tell you that? Taking care of you is a lot, but it's not a burden. I want to do it."

"But, what if I don't want to make your life difficult any more?" he said.

"You're not making my life difficult. If I ever made you feel that way, I'm sorry, 'cause I never meant to. You make my life better, and I'll never not want you in it."

"It... it wasn't you who made me think that," he said.

I held out my good hand to him. "Will you let me touch you?"

He chewed on his lip, clearly wrangling with the decision. I could practically see the debate going on in his head, reflected in his eyes. I could also see the precise moment when he made up his mind.

He crept slowly across the floor toward me, and crawled onto my lap. Wrapping his arms around my body, he leaned into me and rested his head against my shoulder. I held him with my good arm.

He cried for a while, and I stayed quiet, just letting him get it all out. It was plain to see that our situation had been bothering him and that he'd been spending a lot of time thinking about it. I suspected it'd been on his mind for some time, even before his conversation with Seiji, but whatever had happened between them certainly hadn't done anything to improve matters at all.

It infuriated me to think that Seiji had gone to see him in the hospital with the sole intention of telling him off. Of course I knew how Seiji felt — he'd made it perfectly clear that day in the park — but when he said he was going to give Yuri a piece of his mind, I never dreamed it'd be something like that. I thought maybe he'd give him a bit of a hard time for having to work instead of being there to see me compete. I didn't expect he'd go there and air out all his pent-up negativity.

And like... how dare he say Yuri is a terrible person? And how dare he try to interfere in our relationship and tell Yuri that I'm unhappy and that I'd be better off without him? I wanted to give him a huge piece of my mind for that.

Generally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I get that Seiji's going through a lot of difficult stuff, but that gives him no right to make everyone else as miserable as he is. Some of us are working hard to be the best versions of ourselves, and nobody needs another person tearing them down.

I decided I'd let it go for the time being. The last thing I wanted was to get into a pointless fight. I have more important things to focus on than Seiji Hinamori's poor behaviour. Besides, I reasoned that I'd get my opportunity to speak to him about it at some point anyway, and maybe it'd be a more productive conversation if we had the benefit of time to calm down and gain some perspective

"I love you," I said, once Yuri's weeping had subsided to sniffling and a few tiny whimpers. "I need you and I want you, and nothing anyone says is ever going to change that. Do you understand?"

He nodded against my shoulder, and said, "Yes, but..."

"No 'buts'," I said. "Maybe it's hard for you to accept hearing this from me right now, but you know what? That's totally okay. Take your time and figure out whatever you need to figure out, but just keep in mind that I'm not going anywhere while you're sorting through it.

He sighed. "Okay." Then, after a second or two, "Victor?"

'Yeah?"

"I really don't deserve you."

"It's not about deserving," I said. "Most of us wouldn't be happy if we got what the powers of the universe or whatever decided that we deserved. Wouldn't you rather have what you need than what you deserve?"

"Are you angry with me?"

"No, I'm not angry," I told him. "I'm worried about you. I'm sorry if you thought I was mad. I'm tired and frustrated, and I guess I could be handling it better, but that's got nothing to do with you. That's just me wishing things would get back to normal faster."

"Me too," he said. "I'm so tired."

"I know, love," I reached up to run my fingers through his hair. "It's okay. You've been through a lot lately."

"So have you.”

“Yeah, but I’m mostly better. Now we’ve got to work on getting you back on your feet.”

“I know I shouldn’t complain,” he said. “But I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Me getting back on my feet. Everything hurts, and I don’t know how to cope with it any more.”

"Saying you're tired or in pain isn't complaining. You’re allowed to say how you feel,” I told him. “It might actually be easier to deal with if you talk about it.”

"I'm too tired to talk. I can’t even think any more."

“Do you want to go to bed now?" I asked. Sleep wasn't the long-term solution, I realized, but if he was mentally tired, at least some sleep would give him a break from whatever turmoil was in his head.

"Yeah," he said.

"Would you like me to sleep in your bed with you, or do you still want to be alone?"

"I never want to be alone," It came out so softly that I wouldn't have caught it if his head hadn't been so close to mine. "Never again. I'm so afraid of that. But I'm scared that if I can't become a worthwhile person, I... I'll be alone... again... forever."

I thought he had run out of tears, but they renewed themselves in the middle of a sentence and left him hiccuping for breath by the end of it. He slumped down onto my legs, as if he didn't have a scrap of strength left to hold himself upright any more.

"Shh... shh..." I rubbed his back the way I know he likes, trying to comfort him. "Listen to me. You are a worthwhile person. You're an amazing person. Don’t I tell you that all the time?”

“Y-yes.”

“We all have stuff to work on,” I said. “If you want to fix some things, I'll help you however I can. Or you can ask for help from a professional if you think that's what you need, or we could talk to somebody together. When you're ready, you just tell me what you want, okay?"

"I want to feel like I’m enough," he whispered.

I pushed away the urge to tell him that he already is enough, that in my eyes, he’s everything. I’m sure he knows how much I love him and I’m equally sure that, deep down, he understands there are a lot of people in his life who do accept him just as he is.

The real problem is that he’s struggling to accept himself.

I don't think his poor self-worth is a new problem. My guess is that it goes back so far that he's forgotten how to think of himself as inherently valuable and is convinced he has to earn approval and validation from others. Except he never can, because when someone praises him or tells him he matters, he doesn't trust that they're telling the truth, because by his own standards it's literally impossible for him to measure up.

I could’ve given him every affirmation I could think of, and he wouldn’t have believed any of them. I wanted to tell him how strong and courageous and resilient he is, how intelligent and practical, and so delicately beautiful that it should be me who calls him 'treasure' and not the other way around. I wanted to say that he doesn't have to be objectively perfect to be perfect for me. But, all those words would’ve been lost if I spoke them aloud just then, and that realization broke my heart.

What I said instead was, "I'm never going to let you go. You're the most important person in the world to me."

With the proper help, I hope that one day when he looks at himself, he'll be able to see what I see when I look at him. Not a single one of us is flawless — not Yuri or me or anyone else — but everyone has something to offer the world. Everyone has value. Each of us means something to someone, whether we recognize that or not, and we each have our own special place in the grand design of the universe.

Sitting there in the middle of our bathroom floor, it occurred to me that I want the same thing for Yuri that he wants for himself. I want him to be happy, and I want him to understand that regardless of his disability, of any personal shortcomings or any mistakes he's made, of any bad thing anyone's said to him or about him — regardless of anything — he is enough.

[smallerplaces]

Unboxing: Simply Fresh "Kylie"

Paying no attention to dolls from late 2018 to essentially now means that I missed a lot, including the most completely in-my-lane doll release that I've ever encountered: the Family Dollar exclusive "Simply Fresh" dolls.

I found this on FD's site and was kicking myself for not noticing until it was out of stock.

Simply Fresh was a bargain line for The Fresh Dolls, a Black-owned, woman-owned doll company that makes an articulated fashion doll range and the incredibly cool male Fresh Squad, which is priced for modest collectors (if I do any splurging this year, it's going to be on a Fresh Squad guy -- go look at them).

Doing a dollar-store line with natural hair options is brilliantly on-target for the goal of offering children fashion dolls who look like them and show that their looks can be beautiful. At the dollar-store level, when you see a Black doll at all (other than an occasional overstock Barbie), she always has straight hair because she's just a dark version of the Caucasian doll. There are plenty of towns around here where Family Dollar is the biggest and most exciting store, so this kind of toy gives options to kids who don't have much to choose from.

Anyway, I was poised between hope and despair on whether I'd be able to find a Simply Fresh, as they were sold out online, and my two usual Family Dollar stores had none. Then I went to the one downtown and... there was one Simply Fresh doll left. Which one?

Given a choice, I would have gone for one of the dolls with natural hair, but Kylie was the only Simply Fresh doll on the shelf. (And I've gone to multiple FDs since without finding more.) As an adult collector, if it's important to me to have a natural-haired doll, I have multiple options at many price points, so having all the available natural-haired dolls go to kids is... awesome, really.

I brought Kylie home because she's a neat idea and I like her face-up.

She has a face where I want to hear what she's about to say.

Kylie is heavy, and her plastic doesn't feel cheap. Her range of movement is limited -- unsurprising in a $5 doll.

Her corset can be either a top or lingerie. While I generally haven't liked the move to permanently painted bodices on fashion dolls, it's a legit cost-saving for a small company that doesn't have Mattel's economies of scale, and it's a really nice corset.

When I tried to dress her in Sparkle Girlz fashions -- which are a decade old now, yikes! -- I discovered that she's bigger in both booty and bosom than dolls of that era. She can wear a colorful loose Barbie coat, but I need to sew her a dress to go under it.

At this point, I was bothered by stiff glue flecks in her hair. I tried combing them out and just made Kylie look like she had dandruff.

The instructions for these dolls say not to brush or wash their hair, which is excellent advice in dealing with super-curly doll hair. If I had one of the other two gals, I would be going nowhere near the bathroom sink or the comb. However, Kylie has straight hair.

Reader, I boil-washed her. As you'll see in the rest of her dress-up pics, it did no harm at all. Her hair dried soft, straight, and realistically shiny.

Once her hair was dry, I thought maybe Curvy Barbie clothing might fit Kylie. It does, but the effect is so frumpy that when I tried to transfer the pic from phone to laptop, I got a CATASTROPHIC FAILURE message.

I'm not putting Kylie in that dress again. Mattel did Curvy Barbie dirty on fashions.

Kylie also can't hang out in just her undies, and whatever incredibly safe, obvious place I put her red skirt... well, I can't find it. She needs to wear something.

While I ultimately want to dress Kylie in a very elegant, Vogue-fashion way, I don't have space or energy to haul out the sewing machine right now. So I pulled out an old T-shirt that I hadn't gotten around to recycling and made her a no-sew circle skirt.

Kyle's expression suggests that she'd hoped for more at TJ Maxx, but she's decently covered for socializing with the rest of the crew.

Next to Emma (Family Dollar "Career Doll") and Ruby (Sparkle Girlz Mini from 2018), Kylie is clearly higher-quality: nicer plastic, more detailed and expressive face-up, less synthetic-looking hair. This was a great $5 doll and I wish the Simply Fresh project had a longer run.

That said, a look through my clothing bins revealed that Petite Barbie and Stacie each have way more clothing than I realized, so the doll who's first in line when I crack out the sewing machine should be Kylie. I'm excited about this -- she has a great figure for dressing and a great expression to carry off powerful and avant-garde clothing.

[terrorandtales]

Anxiety - Spiritual Awakening - Bruises

Is today the day I choose to wake up? 

Are the little bursts of joy and sunshine worth living for? 

Am I truly living?

Would I jump from the tallest heights to escape the depression that is slowly killing me? 

Do I want to live? What does it mean to live?

Why are we afraid of death? 

Am I attracted to the permanency of silence? 

Is death the permanency of silence?

The darkness is outweighing my faith.

I'm so tired of battling myself and my thoughts.

Am I awake? Do I want to wake up?

Do I want to be here anymore? 

Where is here? 

I'm the wall between myself. 

My anxiety is hindering my ability to jump and have faith.

My mind is constantly buzzing and in motion. 

The hardest part about becoming spiritually awakened and aware of my being, feelings, and energy is not being able to ignore them the way I used to.

I feel this uncomfortable flood of emotions that I must face.

I promised myself to see myself always.

I am the mirror of my darkness, joys, achievements, traumas, and pain. 

Last week I was bruised... 

I ran into a turnstile, trying to catch the train. I was rushing to get from one place to the next so I could avoid having to sit with the awareness. 

Oh, but it came...

Immediately, I knew I would bruise. 

I never used to know this about myself until him, of course, but part of me was relieved. 

To see the bruise forming. 

To feel the aching pain when I'd press gently on the raised skin. 

The physical pain was a distraction from the emotional pain I'm drowning in.

I miss the bruises some days...

It's a tangible pain that has an explanation. 

You see... When the blows would come, the bruises would shortly follow... 

A chain reaction of miscommunication, arguing, and anger, followed by his hands breaking the silent emotional prison that held me tongue-tied, lips sealed, and voice paralyzed. 

Once he'd tire and his hands would fall flat, the world would fall silent. 

Heavy breathing would cease.

Shrieking cries would turn into shallow breaths.

Bloody hands would be washed of evidence.

The pain would subside eventually.

I looked forward to the bruises...

I loved watching them form day after day. 

Darken, spread, and expose the survival of the past trauma.

I'm conflicted about these thoughts and feelings.

For the last five years, I've clung to these feelings.

I could endure the physical pain any day because it only lasted for a moment. 

Eventually, the bruise would fade away.

I'd be left with deeper emotional wounds. 

They will never cease to exist. 

They are painted all over my heart. 

Etched into the depths of my subconscious mind.

I am but a reflection of shattered mosaics being glued back together by love and faith, but broken constantly by self-doubt, fear, and anxiety. 

What's the cure for the invisible scars that bleed daily?

My anxiety and trauma feel like incurable diseases. They're dormant to the public eye, but thrashing around inside of my head and my chest from the moment my eyes open to when I fall asleep. 

I'm constantly battling myself to be presentable and outward facing. 

Sometimes, the brightest people cast the darkest shadows.

I don't always know how to articulate my darkness in my waking life, but here in this world, my words bleed into the ether and paint the terrors I desire to leave behind. 

"I want to protect you, Mae, but also let you figure things out in a way we all do because we all deserve that" 

Oh my sweet Sunflower, if only you could help me to protect me from me...

I must stand tall and face the mes that make me, me

I see your efforts, and I deeply appreciate you and your willingness to see me and want to protect me. I haven't had a partner say this to me before. No man outside of my dad. So thank you. Truly, I thank you. 

You challenge me to be brave enough to explore new realms. You've been a great part of my healing. 

Our love is the most powerful, free, expressive, and pure love I have ever witnessed and felt in my life. You understand and see me more than most people do, and even when you don't, you always surround me with gentleness, grace, and warm hugs. 

I love you more than any words could express. It's deeply rooted within my soul. 

I've shown parts of myself to you that I wasn't aware of showing or sharing. 

Parts of me that I didn't want to share right away, but because of the person you are, I can't hide no matter how hard I try. 

I'm pulled to your calming nature. I'm safe with you.

With safety comes the avalanche.

Now, all of these things are falling out of me uncontrollably and without warning.

My vulnerability is my greatest strength, but my kryptonite. 

I'm terrified to be abandoned and loved less. 

Yet you remain. 

I want to be able to share this part of me with you. 

As strong as I am, I struggle daily. 

I don't want you to wake up one day down the road and say that I didn't show you all of who I am.

Even if I'm afraid to show you. 

I've accepted my darkness and all that comes with it. 

One day, you'll have to decide if you accept all that I am.

Choosing to love is beautiful, but choosing to accept one for all the things that make them who they are is challenging and admirable. 

I don't want to hide any part of me. 

I've never hidden myself from you. 

I've reserved parts of me for different times in our journey. 

As painful as it can be to see myself in these shades of sadness, I love every part of my being.

I can not expect to receive grace, understanding, patience, and love from others - you, if I don't extend it to myself first.

The day will come when we decide to fully commit to a life with each other and our future. 

You deserve to know exactly what you're walking into at the time of your choosing.

I'm still growing and learning.

I'm evolving each day, and change will come and go over the years as we age. 

I trust myself to place my heart, my fears, and my unknowns within your hands.

I trust you.

In return, I hope to see as much of you as you'll let me. So I, too, can have the same opportunity to choose you over and over again.

I can't control my love for you. 

It's completely out of my hands. 

Our love is so free and has no bounds. 

It's infinite and flows effortlessly.

That's what scares me. 

A free, healthy, ever flowing love. 

One I'm experiencing for the first time. 

I know you'll protect me if I need it. 

He is the father I needed. My protector. 

The partner I've longed and prayed for. My Sunflower. 

The friend I never knew could exist in this way. My person.

And as the sun sets on my sad heart tonight, the sun will shine with my hope for tomorrow.

[theharrowing]

Thoughts on the interaction discourse: I think we’re on the same page in how we feel. Whereas, I know I’m not entitled to an interaction in any shape or form, I also can’t help if—as a person—I need words of affirmation. The need for approval is such an integral part of who I am as a human being and I honestly hate it. I don’t want to have to need approval or constantly seek approval but life isn’t always about what we want (case in point, I want interaction but I know it’s not always about me). I wish my brain was wired differently so I didn’t need these things or have any sort of expectation. Yes, I do write for my own enjoyment and will continue to write regardless of the numbers, but I also can empathize with people wanting to lessen their presence in a space they don’t feel as welcomed or needed in. As someone who posts on several different platforms, it’s a big task to prepare works with different formats. It’s not crazy to think people might migrate away from a platform that receives little interaction (because we don’t know who is and who isn’t a silent reader) and just divert their energy to other platforms that might offer a bit more. I don’t feel as if the posts about needing/wanting/desiring feedback and interactions have been meant in any way, shape, or form as a finger wag toward silent readers. I can see it from both sides, and whereas the original interaction posts might make silent readers feel guilty and called out, the same—I think—is now happening with the counter posts. I wish we could all just get along 😔

listen: Same.

and no matter how much i insist that i value the likes, it is so hard to keep pushing without the comments and feedback. i live for the interaction. even if it's via chat rather than publicly, or like this, via anon messages. there are so many ways to convey how we feel to others. and i am not one who writes for myself. i totally and completely write for others, which is why this experience is maddening, at times. the writing i do for myself is very different; this i do as a gift.

I wish my brain was wired differently so I didn’t need these things or have any sort of expectation.

i feel this in my soul.

I don’t feel as if the posts about needing/wanting/desiring feedback and interactions have been meant in any way, shape, or form as a finger wag toward silent readers.

i don't either, and perhaps i should have worded my post a little differently? i was only trying to say that in addition to the comments and reblogs, i value the likes. because, as a small account, that's mostly all i get, and i don't want the very little interaction i already get to diminish more.

i'm not sure that the initial posts make readers feel guilty? my hope is that they do not. but i did add my two cents because there is a part of me that feared that those posts might scare off more timid writers? it's hard to articulate. at the end of the day, we are all just trying to do our best and figure it out.

anyway, thank you for telling me all of this. i agree and i really value your insight! i hope i articulated myself well, but it's been a bit of a frazzled day, so i apologize if i haven't, or if i have misunderstood you in any way.

[thebirdandhersong]

well today is turning out wonderful

[the-archxr]

hi! if you are able to, can i please get a headcanon of our lovely moon boys with a S/O who is a little like steven? the reader is sweet and shy but also chaotic at times and swears/is sarcastic.... a lot. you know? a little mix who is usually sweet though. i haven't seen anything like that, so i would appreciate it. thank you :))

I AM SO SO SORRY THAT THIS IS LATE, I HAVE BEEN SWAMPED WITH SO MUCH LIFE SHIT AND SO MANY ASKS TO GET THROUGH, SO THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME.

but yes, here we go.

STEVEN

see the thing that I believe when it comes to Steven, and you kinda explained it perfectly with the personality insert, is that Steven’s not anti-social.

like homeboys shy, and chaotic and all over the fucking place, but he doesn’t want to be by himself. I think he just has a hard time articulating his thoughts to other people without coming across as “too much” or “annoying”.

because steven grant is a sass. king!

I mean when Donna was asking him what he would eat at the steakhouse and he literally deadpans, “idk, Donna. Salad. Bread.” LIKE THE DELIVERY OF THAT LINE IS JUST PURE SASS.

so I think steven being with someone who’s like that—someone who is shy, but won’t hesitate to be sarcastic or make a joke in front of a group of people—is like peak rom-com shit.

like the two of you would just get along so well, because neither of you have to worry about that barrier of “oh no, I need to control myself around other people”.

you would just get each other. I mean that level of understanding is all steven really wants. and the fact that he gets to find that in you? bonus.

MARC

now I think it’s obvious from viewing layla’s character that marc has a type for spit-fires. someone who is their own person, but can keep up with his energy.

but with marc I feel like your vibe would kinda throw him off at first??

like yeah you’re steven’s cute, shy friend (cause at this point y’all haven’t figured it out yet), and that’s fine, there’s nothing else to it.

but one day you’re playing a board game with marc (monopoly, cause no game gets people that riled up other than uno). and on one particular role, where he gets to build hotels on the green spaces, you deadass look him in the eyes and go “when the fuck did you become mr. moneybag?”

and the way in which marc freezes. like instant, automatic shock.

think that meme of the scared hamster: yeah, that’s marc.

but then you’re laughing, giggling all cutesy as you make your next move. and of course you’re laughing at marc’s face because you weren’t serious. you were just joking.

but marc doesn’t know that. and for the longest time marc calls you dr. jekyll because you def scare him.

(but he’s also a little in love with you, so it’s okay)

JAKE

now jake absolutely loves the rougher side of you.

he’s a rougher guy, even rougher than marc so he needs someone who’s a little rough-around-the-edges, too.

and naturally, I feel like jake has the mouth of a sailor (except you don’t know the meaning of any of the words he uses because he only swears in Spanish), so he needs to be with someone who isn’t turned off by swearing.

and so when you’re both driving in his limo, and this motherfucker cuts in front of you guys nearly taking off the bumper, jake goes to scream whatever profanity that’ll first come to mind (because he one thousand percent has severe road rage).

but you cut him to the chase.

and as you sit in the passenger seat, explicitly swearing to yourself at how fucking dumb that guy was, and how you can’t handle this shit today, jake just watches.

because you getting all angry, and then turning to him with the sweetest smile on your face and asking him if he wants to go get milkshakes, is the most amusing thing to him.

and from that moment, whenever he refers to you—whether that’s to others or when he’s just talking to you—he calls you mi fuego.

it’s only until you ask one late night in bed, that he tells you it means “my fire”.

✨the-archxr headcanons✨

[veliseraptor]

Do you have opinions on chengyao or chengsu(Jiang Cheng and Qin Su, although you could also go for Su She if you have an opinion there)?

I have opinions on almost everything! That isn't true, there are a lot of things I don't actually have an opinion on, but I do have a lot of them.

So on this subject, the continuing adventures in Possible Jiang Cheng Ships (I guess):

Jiang Cheng/Jin Guangyao

This is one of those things where I'm so here for the concept, haven't read any fic, and have a hard time articulating exactly what I want from it. I mean, I am kind of obsessed with the coparenting energy - legitimately love that little exchange where Jin Guangyao is like "don't be too harsh to a-Ling, he's been so upset he barely ate anything" and Jiang Cheng is like "yeah sure I bet you didn't" because it's very permissive parent/strict parent but it's clear that (a) these are familiar roles that they've played before and (b) they're both comfortable with it - like, I don't get the impression that Jiang Cheng is actually upset with Jin Guangyao for arguing leniency, as it were.

(Not that I think that Jin Guangyao is always "permissive" - I think there's a combination of (a) it's a role he's good at playing (the mediator, smoothing over a conflict), and (b) it's a move he can make that'll let Jiang Cheng let Jin Ling off the hook where it doesn't just mean Jiang Cheng backing down on his own. But this is not an ask about their respective parenting styles, exactly.)

It's just...I have definite feelings, I think, about the way that Jiang Cheng actually does seem to trust Jin Guangyao with Jin Ling's welfare, at least as much as he trusts anyone who's not in his own sect. Like, Jiang Cheng is paranoid and overprotective and worries a lot, but I think he believes that Jin Guangyao will keep Jin Ling safe, right up until he's confronted with a very immediate reason to think otherwise - and for Jiang Cheng that goes a long way.

I think Jiang Cheng will let a lot of things slide if someone is good to his nephew. He has his priorities.

Anyway. I don't even know that I want them to, like, hook up or whatever. I think I just want their relationship during the time skip - how the way they relate to each other evolves over time, facilitated by their mutual connection to Jin Ling.

Although my brain is also looking at this pairing and going "humiliation kink" so I'm not quite sure what to do with that. (It isn't Jin Guangyao with the humiliation kink.)

I have these thoughts and I am compelled to share them.

Jiang Cheng/Qin Su

I'm gonna level with you - I don't quite get this one. I mean, I see that significant glance/nod/small smile as much as anyone, but I just don't quite...jive with it as a pairing? I think partly that may be because I associate it with people being nasty about Jin Guangyao, which is a pretty hard nope for me.

However, I will note that I'm deeply intrigued by the concept of Jiang Cheng/Qin Su/Jin Guangyao and now I'm wondering how much of that there is out there. I feel like there's a lot of possible configurations of that triad that I could work with, potentially.

Though I do feel like probably part of the problem is that I don't have a great sense of Qin Su's character, I don't think - I have a vague sense and definite positive feelings, but I don't feel like I have a firm handle on her general personality and motivations in a concrete way that might give me a better hold on a ship for her that's not in canon/involves relatively little character interaction (because it involves doing more work speculating on dynamics, which requires, at least for me, having more of a sense for a character).

So I guess this is all a long-winded way of saying "not necessarily opposed but I'd have to be convinced and I'm not at this point, also don't be rude to Jin Guangyao about it because that makes me sad. :("

[hyunsuks-beanie]

Come With Me

Culinary major! Soobin x food vlogger! reader; just some teeth rotting fluff

Word Count: 3.35k words

Mellow speaks: So I finally completed this long overdue and super fun request!!! Honestly, writing this was just so amazing, and I kinda drew Y/N based on my own self, so I hope you enjoy reading it!!

Rushing into his apartment, Soobin didn't waste a single minute in discarding his bag on the floor, rushing towards his laptop and turning it on. As the screen booted, the final-year culinary major prayed to the gods for the livestream to not have started yet. The winner of the contest from last month was to be announced at the beginning of the stream, and even though Soobin didn't have any hopes of him winning, he couldn't help the tiny voice at the back of his head saying, "What if?."

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a voice, sweet and velvety as always. There you were, on his screen, the biggest of smiles plastered on your face, making him feel warm all over. Y/N L/N, his favorite food vlogger in the world, ready to start another livestream. Soobin had always been more of a silent supporter, his introverted self being too shy to even post a comment under any of your videos, partly because you had a habit of replying to as many of those comments as possible, and he knew for a fact that he would combust on the spot if you were to ever reply to his praises of you.

You see, he greatly admired your love for food and your wanderlust. He was also a great fan of the way you spoke, and the way you articulated your ideas and thoughts. Truth be told, he genuinely liked you, and not just your voyager self. Watching your videos over the years, he had found himself developing a small crush on you, knowing full well that it was probably just him being starstruck. So, gathering all the bravery he had, the boy had finally pressed "Send" on the application form for the competition on the last day, after contemplating it for God knows how long.

There had been only one question on the form, asking respondents to describe what food meant to them. A smile had graced Soobin's lips as you answered it, pouring in his most sincere thoughts on everything culinary. What had pushed him to participate, you ask? It had been the prize, of course. A chance to hang out with none other than you yourself, through a one-on-one video call. He had always wanted to see you in person, to tell you how much your vlogs meant to him. How they had helped discover his own love for food, had helped him find his happiness in the kitchen.

And that had brought him to right now, biting on his fingernails as he listened to your regular introduction, one that he knew by heart and repeated after you, subconsciously. "Hey my food-holics! How are all of you doing today? Hale and hearty, I hope!," you said, following up quickly with a brief overview of the contest, before announcing the winner, as Soobin waited with bated breath. "All your answers were amazing, and I could relate to so many of them! It really sucks that we can only have one winner, since you're all winners to me!," you smiled, and he caught himself copying your expression. "So now, the winner of the contest, and the person who gets to be my new friend, is @aglio_olive!!," you exclaimed, clapping your hands as your eyes crinkled up in joy.

The fact that you had just announced him as the winner of registered belatedly, as Soobin was busy gushing over how adorable you had looked while clapping. He felt his mouth drop open, finding it hard to focus on what you said next. "I'll be contacting you via email shortly," you had said, and that was all it took for the rest of the livestream to go by in a blur for him, as he waited for your mail, checking and re-checking his inbox every two minutes. But it wasn't until the next day that he finally received what he had been peeling his eyes out for. An email from your official account (or that's what he figured), informing him that the meeting would take place on the coming Saturday, at 6:00 pm. Now all he had to do was wait three days, but it was easier said than done.

By the time Saturday rolled around, Soobin was equal parts bubbling with excitement and panicking with nerves. Reluctant to trust his own fashion choices, he had called over his best friend, Yeonjun, hoping to get some much needed guidance. "Should I wear this suit? Or will simple tracks be better?," he had asked, making the older boy shake his head as he patted him on the back. "My friend, Y/N's neither your professor, nor your friend. You're meeting them for the first time, so why don't you just wear something comfortable, that would make them feel at ease too?," he smirks, throwing a plain blue hoodie his way.

As the clock struck 6:00, Soobin found himself seated at his study table, ready to start the meeting. He had even prepared cue cards to help him if he got stuck, and they were propped conveniently next to the laptop. He reached out for them, but just at that moment, his screen came alive with someone waving at him with a smile on their face. Awestruck, he simply waved back, too tongue-tied to say anything. "Wow," he thought to himself, "They look so much better without makeup." A couple seconds later, a new kind of panic set in. "Am I staring too hard? Is it creepy? Should I look down? No but I need to keep eye contact!"

Little did he know, you were having similar, if not identical thoughts. "Wow, no one told me he was gonna be this cute. Blue suits him so well! I'm no staring, am I? Should I speak first? Or should I wait for him to say something?" This finally resulted in the both of you speaking at the same time, something you would later smile about. Because saying "How are you? I'm Soobin," and "I'm Y/N! How are you?," helped you crack into laughter, breaking the ice and easing the awkwardness. Once you had gotten past the niceties, it was time to get to know each other better. The cue cards lay unused, as Soobin just spoke about whatever came to mind, praising your vlogs and thanking you for teaching him more about cuisines. You, on the other hand, took the time to get to know him better, asking him questions about what it was like to study culinary science, something you had never gotten the chance to do.

The hour-long virtual meeting flew by in the blink of an eye, or so it seemed to the both of you. Talking to you, Soobin didn't once feel that you were a stranger or that he was just a fan. You seemed like a genuine and warm person to him that he couldn't help but admire you even more than he did before. To him, somewhere during the meeting, you stopped seeming like a famous vlogger anymore, and instead, all he saw you as was a friend. You, on the other hand, had made up your mind about him being the most interesting person you had ever met, and couldn't stop a sad sigh from escaping your lips as you looked at the time. "Well, Soobin. It's been a pleasure meeting you," you had said, making him smile wistfully.

The moment he had logged out of the meeting, he found himself missing you. He thought back on how nice you had been, smiling when he pictured your face, your hair slightly messy but not too unkempt, an oversized hoodie thrown over your body. To him, it had honestly felt like he was conversing with a friend, and he couldn't bring himself to let such an amazing person walk out of his life. So, without thinking, he began typing out an email to your account, his finger hovering just above the "Send" button. He stopped short though, realizing that your official account wasn't meant for personal mails, and realizing that he had no other means to contact you. Pouting, he fell face-first onto the bed, his energy going down all of a sudden.

He woke up to a "ping," indicating an email on his phone. Unlocking it, he noticed a mail from an account he had never contacted before. Clueless, he clicked on it, the phone nearly falling out of his hand as he read through it. It had been you, after all, reaching out to him through your personal account, and telling him that you had loved talking to him, and would like to be his friend. And thus began the most beautiful friendship either of you had ever forged, full of memories even though you hadn't met each other.

Late night video chats and good morning calls became a ritual, and Soobin found himself busily typing away on his phone every free second he got. You told him all about your escapades and trips, sending him photos and urging him to try cooking whatever you ate and whatever you liked. He, on the other hand, would teach you to cook, sending you tips and giving you suggestions on what to eat. Food was an intergalactic part of the relation you shared, but it was far from being the only thing.

When things got hard for him, you were there to push him towards his dream, reminding him day in and day out that he would have to give in his all to achieve it. "You'll be the greatest chef one day, Soob," you'd giggle, causing him to let out a whine as he said, "How would you know? You haven't even tasted my cooking yet!" He too, was there to provide you a taste of what it felt like to be grounded to one place, to have everything you wanted right next to you. He was there for you to cry to when someone posted a nasty comment under you video, and he was there to virtually feed you when you missed a home-cooked meal. Inside jokes became a thing, as did bitching about classmates and complaining about managers.

Over time, your friendship started blossoming into something more, as Soobin found himself catching feelings, real feelings, for you. The way you smiled, the way you would bite your nails just like him as you went through what people had to say about your videos, the way you cracked stupid jokes and laughed at them alone, he found himself loving them all. He had given his heart out to you, and he didn't want to take it back. You, meanwhile, had been a bit more careful of your feelings, wary of harboring any hopes for a long-distance relationship. But over time, you too, found yourself drowning into the oceans that were his eyes, watching the way his lips moved through the screen, imagining them on yours. Over time, you too, felt your feelings grow, but being your stubborn self, you didn't act on them.

Days turned into months, and soon enough, you were keeping Soobin company through his late night study sessions, talking to him in the hopes of keeping him awake. Helping him prepare flashcards, and letting him teach you a full four-course meal so that he could practice for his practical exams. "What are you gonna do once you graduate?," became a regular question you posed towards him, and every time, it was the same reply. "I don't know yet, Y/N. I want to do something like you. I want to travel the world and learn about different cuisines first-hand."

As Soobin's exams drew nearer, you found yourself bring just as worried as he was, worried about how he'd fare in the examinations, worried about what he'll do when he gets his degree. But keeping your concerns aside, you did your best to push him to do his best, study that last chapter, practice that last technique, memorize that last recipe. "I just wanna sleep, Y/N," he'd whine, only to have you let out a giggle at how adorable he looked. "It's for your own good, bub," you'd reply, your smile somehow managing to give him the strength to put in just a little extra effort.

Seeing him work so hard, you couldn't help but want to give him a surprise by congratulating him in person when he graduated. So, you decided to plan a trip to Seoul, shooting a film vlog just an excuse to finally meet your closest friend, and the person you had a crush on. You had initially wanred to keep the plan a secret, but soon realized what a waste it would be to not use it to your advantage. And so started your ingenious way of getting Soobin to hit the books. "I'm coming to Seoul after your exams, but I'll meet you only if you put in all your effort," you'd tell him, repeating it like a mantra day in and day out.

In response, the boy would pout and whine about how he "hated" you, but started putting in double the effort, just to make you proud. Your tactic seemed to work, but Soobin was still nervous. Nor about the theory, but about the practical exams. "What if I don't do well on the exam? It happens all the time on Masterchef," he said one day, looking into your eyes as you attempted to calm him down. "I know you'll nail it, Binnie," you replied, smiling at him through the screen. "Just think about what makes you happy while you cook, and you'll be good to go." As if on a whim, Soobin muttered out a soft, "You," causing your breath to hitch as you asked him to repeat. "You make me happy," he said again, looking down as he felt his cheeks growing warm. You couldn't help but smile at his sudden confession, sending a virtual kiss his way. "Now go study, you idiot," you giggled, proceeding to tell him about your day as he pored over his books.

The day of his practical exam rolled by, and as you had said, Soobin decided to cook while thinking of something that made him happy. He thought back on the day when you had told him about a delicacy from a city you had visited, and had convinced him to teach you how to make it. The memory alone made a smile appear on his lips, reminding him of how happy the two of you were. And so, that's what he cooked, passing his exam with flying colors. He was so happy he could have kissed you if you were there, and he told you that, causing a laugh to escape your lips. "I'll be there soon," was all you said, fighting to control your excitement.

Soobin passed with flying colors, earning his degree fair and square. And the one person he wanted to thank for it, was you. As you had promised him, a week later found you roaming the streets of Seoul, as you hurriedly made your way towards his college, ready to finally meet him at his convocation. Climbing up the stage to accept his degree, his eyes were busy scanning the crowds, eager to see your face. When he couldn't find you, however, he felt his smile falter, as he took in a gulp.

"Where are you Y/N?," he thought to himself, hand itching to check his phone that was lying in his back pocket. You had told him you'd be here on time, so then, where were you? Just as he feels himself falling deeper into his thoughts, he (like everyone else in the hall) hears footsteps running down the corridor, finally revealing you standing at the entrance, out of breath and with a huge smile stretching across your face. "You're here," he mouthed, his smile matching yours, as you replied with a simple nod and a "Congratulations," your eyes brimming with tears of joy for the boy.

Accepting his degree, Soobin walked off the stage to sit with his classmates, eyes meeting yours every so often as he tried to fight the urge to rush to you and hug you. Once the ceremony ended, neither of you wasted a second in finding each other, throwing yourselves into a hug long overdue. It didn't feel weird as you snuggled your face into his convocation robe, and it didn't feel weird as he did the same into your hair. Pulling away, you just couldn't hide the smiles that threatened to take over your entire face, taking each other's hand as Soobin left you to his parents. "Mom, Dad, this is my friend Y/N," he introduced, and his mom didn't miss the spark in her son's eyes as he looked at you.

Once you were done with the niceties, the two of you made your way out into the city once Soobin had handed his robe over to his mom. Walking the streets with him, with you cracking jokes and him pointing out tourist sights to you, you felt something you had never felt, no matter how many cities you visited. A sense of comfort, a sense of belonging. You felt like you were home for the first time in ages, and it was all because of the guy walking next to you. As if on a whim, you whipped out your video-camera, switching it on and turning it to yourself. Soobin belatedly realized what you were doing, when he heard you recite you introduction. Looking at you in shock, he felt his mouth fall open as he heard you say the words, "Friend," "Soobin," "Featuring," "Guide," in quick succession, piecing the sentence together in his brain.

"Y/N! What are you doing??," he whined, looking down to hide his face. "Awww Soobinnie is shy!!! Sorry guys, it's his first time," you cooed, a giggle escaping your lips as you turned your camera off, trying to convince him to feature in your vlog. "But I won't know what to say!!," he retorted, making you snicker. "Just take me out to eat somewhere tell, and tell the camera why you like the place you like and the food you like. It's not that hard!," you replied, and after much convincing (and some borderline begging), he finally agreed.

He showed you all his favorite eateries and restaurants, gawking at the insane discounts you got him, and just enjoying watching you eat in person, sharing his food. By the time evening rolled out, the two of you were full to your throats, looking out over the river from the bridge. "Thank you Y/N," Soobin said, turning to look at you. "For today, and for everyday. For being there for me, and for being the best friend I have ever had, and more." "Thank you too, Soob," you replied, your eyes stinging as you looked up at him. "Thank you for making me feel at home. Thank you for becoming my home." You hadn't noticed just how close your faces had become, both of you having leaned in subconsciously. Finally, Soobin closed the gap, your lips meeting his in a kiss that's full of the pent-up love and emotions.

His lips were soft against yours, molding with yours like two pieces of the same puzzle. Pulling away, a smile graced your lips as you looked up at him shyly, whispering an "I like you," causing him to repeat your words and adding a "too," cheeks rising up in a smile. Biting you bottom lip, you say, "Come with me," making him tilt his head in confusion. "You said you wanted to be like me. To learn about cuisines first-hand. Then come with me. I don't want to be away from you, I want to be with you 24/7, and not virtually. I want to talk to you in person, to hug you, to kiss you." You notice his smile growing wider, and so you ask, "So, what do you say?," as he replies by placing his lips back on yours.

[kinnspocketporsche]

thank you;

analysis for me is a double edged sword. frankly, it usually does me more harm than good.

so yeah - i can hardly believe i made this blog. i could analyze and overanalyze just about any show; as a lit major and a psychology major, i'm built for digging up meaning out of anything humans created. but i haven't bothered with that for years. it hasn't been worth my time or, more importantly, my very limited energy.

the thing about art is that there are always going to be patterns that those consuming it could pick up on, and the thing about analysis is that it's largely about finding patterns and putting some sense into them. it drives me up the wall when i notice patterns only to realize they were unintentional and that seeing them does nothing more than highlight inconsistencies and plot holes.

if a creator isn't at least somewhat intentional about the patterns they build, any significance given to those patterns means nothing.

i thought KinnPorsche would be the same as all the other unfulfilling shows i've watched. it's why i didn't make this blog until episode 9. i didn't expect it to pull me back into fandom discussions. i didn't expect it to drag analysis from my head to my fingers and into words on a screen. i didn't expect to end up feeling like a slightly different person than who i was when i started watching.

the thing about art is that it can change you when it's done well, when it's done right, when it's done with care. i can't say i've never felt it before - i've read enough literature for some of it to have touched me - but never to this degree.

i've talked to a couple of people about this, but one of the many things KinnPorsche gets so right is the way it expresses the experience of being an outsider. a lot of literature focuses on that, too, but sometimes you have to dig so deep just to get a glimpse - with KinnPorsche, it's everywhere. it's right at the surface. it's in your face. it's deep in the woodwork, too, and if you want to dig deeper, you can - you can see theme of characters in unfamiliar environments, you can see how abuse isolates a person, you can see how socioeconomic status can make certain relationships a luxury - but you can feel it even without analyzing any of that. it's a key part of what makes the show feel so inherently and honestly queer.

that sense of being an outsider is so intentional in this show i can taste it. i'd bet my life savings on it. that intention is so important to me. it's such a comfort. i can't articulate as well as i want, but it's why i've rewatched each episode more times than i could track and it's why i've spent hours writing out analysis posts and it's why my brain has latched on to these characters so firmly that it's physically hurting me to think about letting them go.

i love the creators of KinnPorsche for this, i really do. producers, directors, actors - literally anyone else who's been involved. i want to thank them for consistently demonstrating that the patterns i (and other fans) have picked up on have meaning. i want to thank them for seeing and showing how painful it is to live on the outside. i want to thank them for saying all that and going even a step further, to say very firmly that outsiders can be happy.

and i'm not a sappy person i swear it but i really do need to thank the other fans. i am sorry to anyone who messaged me or reached out and got an awkward response, i probably should've warned y'all that i am bone tired of overthinking my words into being something perceived as normal. i didn't come here planning to find community but i got it anyway and i am so grateful. no matter how many times we messaged, if you sent me one DM or 10, if we interacted through tags or anonymous asks or reblog responses or likes or anything else - being here has made me happy because of you. thank you to every follower and every fanfic writer and to all of my fellow meta writers who have set the bar higher than i thought was possible. i have truly enjoyed being here.

i've enjoyed it so much that i am genuinely going to be devastated when it ends. i hope to stick around after and i hope that others will as well, for more KPTS talks, for fanfiction maybe, for discussions about other shows and art, but there's a chance i'll be silent for a period of time after this episode - the last episode - airs. i'm feeling things more strongly than i should, i know i am, but somehow i don't think i'm alone in this emotion that is almost like grief.

so i'll end on this note: please, everyone take care of yourselves today and this week and so on. drink water - i mean it! - eat at regular times and try to get some sleep. don't isolate and if you absolutely can't avoid it, don't do it for too long. my inbox and DMs will, as always, be open. send me questions, hug requests, all-caps screaming if you want.

see y'all on the flip-side ✌️

— winnie

[hypokeimena]

locked tomb thoughts if you have any🤲

ha well i just said something about yanth. i guess i think it's been interesting, rereading uA's fic and then tzms earlier short stories, how you can see the concepts she's interested in evolve. i am thinking specifically about magicians apprentice which i recently reread (link) as a prototype of john jaius, even though the stories (and characters!) are not particularly similar; there's a type here that's compelling and is revisited on multiple occasions through multiple levels and on multiple scales. similarly her hs fic which ive been chewing my way through when i haven't been able to read book-books has been helpful in seeing her articulate what scale is interesting to her and how to modulate the high-vs-low of it all. grand vs personal scales. id recommend checking it out.

also had a good conversation with @cristabel-oct earlier this week about masc gender in tlt; ive been conceptualizing john jaius as transmasc for a number of reasons ranging from personal to political to it would be funny if he had to get fisted for them to steal his genetic material in the dios apate (my main reason). i just think the sort of tboy-swag adjacent masculinities of many of the tlt dudes is kind of interesting. i want to say something about how augustine has insane classics phd energy (he simply does) and the way some of that ties into (british) imperial masculinities there's like something there i want to chew on

also also i want to write a lyctors as pro wrestlers au