#i haven't made anything ~graphic in a long long long time and i wasn't good at it before lol so i'm trying my hand at it again!

[ladespeinada]

[pomefioredove]

If you're still taking requests, I think something funny would be Idia w a reader/yuu that, in the middle of listening to him ramble (with lovey dovey eyes bc they like listening to him <3) just says. Would. Or like I want you. Like they didn't notice they were saying that out loud and now Idia and them are both dying but Ortho is just like OMG ITS HAPPENING FINALLY EXITING STAGE LEFT! hahdhahshsh I hope you get what I'm saying, completely fine if not!

I got u anon

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ slip of the tongue

type of post: fic characters: idia additional info: romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu author's note: I know very little about video games so I stole a lot of idia's dialogue from my boyfriend. if he sees this. um. hi baby

"The designs are pretty good. I mean, they fit the same three molds, but they're unique, you know?"

Idia shows you his screen again, rolling his gaming chair to the side so you can get a better look at the game he's been explaining to you for half an hour.

"The fighting is kinda button-mashy, but the graphics are cool enough, so I don't really care,"

You haven't gotten so much as a word in for almost ten minutes now, but that doesn't bother you. You like listening to him talk.

He goes back to the game menu to show you the special features, and then to the menu again. His long, nimble fingers dance across his keyboard, as if he were made for this, and he pulls up another screen with a lot of numbers in colored text.

"The game is free, but it's got an insane file size for it. 180gb. Nothing should be that big,"

Your thoughts become a little louder as you zone out, letting his words, heavy with tech jargon and fast with excitement, become music. You can't always keep up with Idia when he starts going on tangents like this. Usually you have questions, but now, you can't think of any. You're looking more at him than the screen. He's being distractingly cute today.

You sigh, letting your thoughts rest on the tip of your tongue, and without meaning to:

"Would,"

Idia's hands jump off the keyboard, and he goes still. Oh. Shit.

He wasn't supposed to hear that.

He slowly turns to look at you, his eyes widened, his face beet-red. In your defense, you really thought he wasn't listening.

You don't say anything. Either of you. You wait. He waits. His computer eventually powers down, making the room a little darker. Finally, Idia looks away.

"...I forgot what I was saying," he mumbles.

Weird. Okay, he's just going to ignore that? Is that good or bad?

You look away, too. "Something about the file size. I think you were-"

"Did you mean that," he asks, but it's not exactly a question. More like a demand for an answer.

"Um..." you say, looking at the floor. "...Yeah, I did."

Idia narrows his eyes at you. He's quiet, studying you, your expression, your body language. For what, you don't know. Maybe he thinks you're lying. Whatever it is, though, he doesn't say.

"...Okay," he finally says, turning back to his monitor. "Well... um... at least give me some warning next time, or something. I would've dressed nicer."

You blink. Next time. "...Yeah. Okay. Next time, then,"

[hobnob2020]

The Veilguard review

Big spoilers ahead for the people that haven't finished the game yet.

So after plugging 70+ hours I've finally completed Veilguard.

This will just be a general overview of how I felt about the game, I'll likely do a separate one for Solas/Mythal and Lavellan and one for a Lucanis romance.

First off I want to say that any negative criticism I had for the game I am reminded of how difficult this game was to get off the ground running in the first place; it experienced multiple layoffs, it pulled the team to focus on Anthem when it failed, the team was reduced, OG writers left and multiple people lost their jobs once their work was complete and lets not forget those that worked on this during a pandemic so I think it's important to keep coming back to this so that we can just appreciate what we had as an end product.

Now the end product itself, did I enjoy it? absolutely.

I've laughed, I've been giddy, I've been angry at times and in those final moments was reduced to tears that reconciliations were reached and it was the end of a very long 10 year wait.

I want to start from the beginning where we welcomed our Rooks because holy moly is the character creator detailed. I mean seriously every single Rook I've seen is a catwalk model 😂

Every faction felt different and the brief history to your character was really well done; I went with a female mage elf I the Crows and I loved being a Crow from the get go; the decision that she made that essentially forced her to leave the Crows because she'd basically f*cked up a mission was really interesting because there's still that tension once she returned with Viago (who I adored BTW, his disappointing fatherly persona against Teia's comfort and protectiveness was just perfect) and it set the course for every Rook wanting to prove themselves.

Briefly touching on the Inquisitors creation I was so happy that this was an early decision and hearing her say "it's good to see you again" was like a stab to the heart and felt like I was being welcomed back home after such a long journey.

Once into the gameplay it's hard to ignore how beautiful the graphics look, Minrathous' design was so unexpected and how the locals were treated makes me wonder how Dorian ever survived 😂

There were certain scenes that just blew me away and made me realise just how far games have come to allow us them; the moment you open the doors at Weisshaupt and see Ghilan'nains massive looming face in the clouds was just breath taking, in fact the two gods in general were very well done and there wasn't enough of them in my opinion.

The animation as a whole was very good and again compared to Origins this game is on a different level of good (hate to compare it to other games but Balders gate is probably the closest contender).

There's a particular scene with Lucanis as a romance where he walks over to you after you basically say you like what you see and that Spite doesn't define him, the way his face moves, the little smile, the way his eyes drop to your lips when you touch him floored me and I think having motion capture for this game definitely paid off.

The mechanics of the game were fantastic and as I've yet to play anything other than my mage I am excited to play other classes and possibly Warrior for the first time across 4 games, although Spellblade ruined a mage for me as I love being able to be upfront in a battle and found it perfect for my Crow mage.

I went with purple Rook for this playthrough as I wanted a charming Crow who had far too much energy and was awkward in the best way possible and loved every minute of it; Bioware has always been very clever at establishing the different personalities and how they affect the world around them. Going into a scene and having your Rook react by themselves depending on their personality makes the character feel real and that we aren't just following the same thread of dialogue.

When you first meet Solas they didn't lie that it would feel like an end game mission, the dialogue was fantastic, his voice actor is just incredible and he has a talent to be confident, insecure, determined and doubtful of his own words all in one and it was very easy to fall In love with Solas during inquisition.

I really enjoyed how the first decision you make as Rook ends with the gods escaping, either Harding or Neve being injured which puts doubts in your friendship and leadership from the beginning, that Solas who we'd believed to be the big bad was essentially trapped and looked like a kitten compared to these evil beings who want world domination, it really makes the player question how are we going to fix this massive mistake that we've created, because it takes the gods no time to get to work whilst we scramble to find a team and cleanse multiple parts of Thedas at the same time aswell as setting up base in the fade where we dig deep into the history of Solas and the ancient gods past.

The companions of this game I felt were individuals in their own ways with their own back stories and present problems but I felt as a whole weren't as good as say the previous game; there was no double crossing mages or people with their own greed and agendas, no hidden pasts like Blackwall which personally fell abit flat for me.

In fact I'd say the only one who had an interesting story was Lucanis after his imprisonment and demonic possession and the struggles that came with it.

I don't think I'll romance anyone else other than Emmrich as the others just don't interest me.

It just felt like you were constantly flitting to the Lighthouse and back to grind out companion tasks in order to gain approval and faction points, there was no option to just have a conversation like previous games instead it was very much on their terms and where you were in the game which was something i really missed.

Still, their personalities were very different and characters like Lucanis, Taash and especially Emmrich stole my heart very quickly.

The banter was top notch quality as per 👌 some of my favourites were from Taash and Lucanis, just being a Crow in the middle of their conversations about capes was hilarious at times.

The voice acting as a whole was very good, I felt with some characters particularly Neve it felt abit flat in moments but Bioware have a knack for finding talented voices; having someone as bubbly and excited as Bellara to the deadpan and slightly blunt at times Taash made for a very diverse team.

Returning characters was always a welcome and there were some surprising cameos such as Isabella in the Lords of Fortune faction.

I know alot of people were disappointed that this game felt limited in bringing over past choices but it needed to make sense; Sera isn't going to return and be found in the deep roads etc, it needed to serve a purpose to The Veilguards story and I'm happy with the ones we did get.

When it came to the three decisions from inquisition yes I was disappointed at first; why are we ignoring who drank from the well, why aren't we talking about Hawke, who's ruling Fereldon, who's Divine?.

I think we need to remember that after 4 games the decisions from little to big are so vast that there's simply no way to fit it all in and satisfy everyone and baring in mind this game is for new players too.

Having this game set outside of Ferelden means those decisions won't carry weight in Veilguard, who is divine won't affect us, where Hawke is doesn't affect us because we know they'll either be in the fade or fighting against the evil.

And yes a codex could of helped address any of this but again, it's a smaller team now at bioware and the focus is on Rook this time around, it's their turn and tbh reading codex' is time consuming when you've got gods to fight 😂

The only decision I really wanted brought over was who drank from the Well because as a Solasmancer he was so pissed at me but I think I know why it was glossed over.

I think having Solas being able to control your Inquisitor would have the issue of consent and violation and as a romance that doesn't feel right, especially given how Mythal basically manipulated Solas and used him as a slave it just goes into uncomfortable territory.

We could also argue that Solas absorbed Mythals essence so all that's left is her memories and the tiny fragment you find in the crossroads so essentially Mythal ceases to exist thus there's no pledge anymore for the inquisitor and that she only needed her help to fight Corypheus, who knows but I'm glad Solas wasn't able to do that to the Inquisitor.

The endgame was amazing, finally killing Ghilan'nain was so satisfying and Lucanis was an absolute bad ass doing it, seeing Solas become the dreadwolf and hearing his pained cries was heartbreaking even if he couldn't stop betraying my Rook 😂.

Forcing you as a player to lose a character despite high factions and hero status was brutal, and I unfortunately lost both Davrin and Assan. As much as I loved them both, it made sense to his character to die in that way, and Harding has so much more to do for the dwarves and titans.

I'll talk about Solas/Mythal and Lavellan on another post but I was very happy with how it ended, seeing the art concept of him making himself tranquil just shows how differently it could of gone, and I honestly expected them to die in each other's arms.

If I think of anything else I'll add it onto this post but yeah, 10 years man and it's over, well not over completely as I'm creating an Emmrich romance as we speak but I can't believe years of speculation and doubt is now in our hands forever.

Yes this game could of been better in parts and blew my expectations away in others but I loved it and I think the negative criticism over characters like Taash, the three previous decisions, crazy solasmancers which bring the team down is so unjust and people need to reflect on themselves as humans.

All I would say to those that critic this game as heavy as they have is to take their time and play it again, you'll find things you missed the first time around, really read the codex', just sit back and understand what the characters are saying, read between the lines and just take it back to beginning of this post, this game very nearly didn't happen and alot of talented people that have given you this game have lost their jobs so please just be grateful for what we do have and pray that this isn't the end of dragon age.

Edit:

The whole Varric thing was probably my least favourite thing about the game, not because he died but it just didn't make sense that Rook didn't know until the very end.

I had my suspicions because he was always tired and going back to bed and something about it didn't feel right.

For other companions to say "oh we thought you knew" was just silly, I could understand Solas using his powers to create an illusion but why not on all the companions because surely Rook at some point was like "Oh i'll take some food to Varric" or "have you been to visit him", without that Rook just sounds crazy 😂

[yanderes-galore]

I think prompts 31, 41, and 55 would go good with nubbins sawyer! If you're familiar enough with him. Also, remember to take care of yourself ^^

-🌹

*Glances at Prompts* Welp, cannibalism time. Here we go again.

Yandere! Nubbins Sawyer Prompts 31, 41, 55

"I'd make you bleed just to get an even better taste of you...."

"I made this mark on myself to show you how much I love you!"

"Now there's always a part of me with you...."

Pairing: "Romantic"

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Cannibalism, Delusional behavior, Vomit, Blood, Sadism, Masochism, Biting, Dark themes, Graphic scenes, Forced "relationship".

What's more intimate than consumption?

Such a thought couldn't be more true for a certain member of the Sawyer family. Human consumption wasn't anything new to him. It was actually his family's main food source.

Although, for Nubbins, it appears food and... desire mix a bit too closely.

You were originally meant to be prey. Just another meal for his family to feast upon. But... Nubbins found himself too interested in this one.

Your friends were another story, though.

Ever since he caught you, he keeps you locked away in a shrine he dedicated to you. Tied to a chair, you are completely at your captor's mercy. The thought of eating human flesh alone was repulsive.

Nubbins views the act as bonding.

Your taste is addicting. Nibbling on you as though you were a meal, lapping at your blood like a starved animal... Euphoric. You are the tastiest meal and he views your consumption as a bond no one else could have.

You could never grow used to when he chomps down into your flesh, digging his teeth in like a rabid dog. It always hurts, the pain excruciating. It disgusted you to hear his moans as he laps your blood with deranged giggles.

Yet that was nothing compared to him feeling you should also experience such a sensation.

"I'd make you bleed just to get an even better taste of you...." Nubbins chuckles towards you, breath ghosting over his skin. His mouth is covered in blood from his previous feast. The pain made you nauseous already, stomach churning in dread.

Or something else as you smell something in the room... it both makes your mouth water and bile stir in your gut... you haven't eaten in how long...?

"You know I love you, right?" He asks, a bloody smile on his face. Praying for some sort of mercy, you nod. Nubbins merely coos before holding your chin.

"I have a surprise...!" Nubbin soon chirps, nuzzling into you. "A surprise because you love me...."

It's then Nubbins pulls back and shows a crudely bandaged wound on his thigh. Your hunger subsides when you catch sight of the cut wound. You can see the blood dried on his leg, the wound under the bandage threatening to spill more when he moves. He barely even noticed his own wince, grinning too much to grimace.

You wondered if he enjoyed the pain... He's shaking....

"See!?" He squeals excitedly, like a child showing off something they're proud of, "I made this mark on myself to show you how much I love you!"

You grimace, thinking that's all before Nubbins excitedly turns around.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait...!" He sputters before pulling a place away from a small table. The smell from before reaches you again, it's stronger now. You had smelled that smell a few times, in fact you hoped that was his meal and not yours. You tried to keep such a hope... stomach churning at the mere smell of the cooked meat he began to show you.

Thigh meat.

Human thigh meat... His thigh meat.

Clearly meant for you to eat.

"I made this for you... to show you how much I love you...!" Nubbins coos, holding the plate up to you. You had mixed reactions. For the most part, you were quite starved... but you know what that meat is.

"Want me to feed you?" Nubbins asks, the question clearly rhetorical with your bound hands. You shake your head but Nubbins clearly doesn't listen, cutting a piece with a fork before putting the foul meat to your lips.

You quickly try to thrash, to turn your head away, acting like a child being given a vegetable. Except, in this situation, this is quite the reasonable reaction. Your struggling is futile, however...

The cooked meat enters your mouth, the taste foreign as you struggle against the fork.

"Chew!" Nubbins encourages, although it sounds like an order. You struggle to listen, chewing the tender meat reluctantly before struggling to swallow. It takes time... but you manage to swallow.

You feel so ill.

"Now there's always a part of me with you...." Nubbins squeals excitedly, ignoring how you tremble. "Now have some more...."

The meal is long, agonizing, and nerve-wracking. You're forced to scarf the meat, like it's the only meal you've had in weeks. In all honesty, it felt like that. Once it's all done, Nubbins praises you... despite you looking pale.

"Good! You do love me!" Nubbins looks like a kid on the holidays, while you look like you'd rather remove your stomach. "We should do this more! We love each other!"

Nubbins eyes you like a slice of meat but before you're subjected to more torture, he's called by a member of his family. He seems irritated, a scowl on his face as he glances at the door before looking back at you. You hope he leaves faster.

"See you soon, baby...." Nubbins coos in a sickening tone, kissing your cheek and licking the skin before storming out of the room. Once gone, you're left in an eerie silence. Your grimace, shaking...

Only to vomit in your lap, purging the foul meat like you wish you could purge him... the sickening fluid warm on your thighs as it dribbles down the chair...

All while you yearn for home... a dull throb of hunger and nausea in your gut.

[sapphic-agent]

Let's Talk About the Switched at Birth Theory

If you told me I would be making an Ever After High Theory in 2024 I would have never believed you. But I recently came across a theory from like 2022 that poses the possibility of Apple and Raven being switched at birth. At first I thought there wasn't a chance it held water, but the more I looked into it the more I was sent down a rabbit hole.

(I know this is a hated theory please don't kill me)

The original theory was made by _fairytale_vibes_ on YouTube. Here's a link to the most updated version of the theory, watch it if you haven't already:

I went into this video thinking that it wouldn't lead anywhere, but OP does make a lot of very good points. So with her theory in the back of my head, I decided to dive into the book series to see if I could find anything to support or disprove it.

(I'll be editing as I read the books and rewatch the show, so at the time of posting it I've only completely finished The Storybook of Legends. So whatever I say here may not be 100% accurate compared to the rest of the series. I'll update and revise as I continue reading, but please tell me if whatever I've said is wrong)

1. Appearances

This may be the most important part of the theory as it's been the focal point of the original video. So let's dive into it from the book's descriptions.

Raven: "...long black hair with purple highlights, dark eyebrows, strong nose and chin."

The Evil Queen: Dark hair, deep purple eyes

Snow White: "...black hair was curled under her golden crown. Her skin was still white as snow, her lips red as blood."

Apple: Pale, blond, red lips

One thing I definitely noticed was that multiple times, the book goes out of its way to compare Raven's looks to her mother's. Raven herself calls it out multiple times. However, it actually seemed to be the opposite with Apple. While her features- other than her hair- are said to fit what Snow White is supposed to be, there aren't many comparisons made to her mother herself.

In fact, I think the only time she's actually directly compared to her mother is when she looks at her destiny during Legacy Day. "She looked so much like her mother, only blond." Even here, there aren't many details about it, not like there are Raven's.

(This whole montage is interesting, I'll talk about it more later)

One of the theory's linchpins is that The Evil Queen in her youth seemed to have platinum blond hair. In the Dragon Games special, she is animated as a teen with what looks like whitish hair. And in the graphic novel The Class of Classics, her hair does look platinum blond (and is described as being such by her roommate and best friend, the Cheshire Cat).

Apple's blond hair is an anomaly. There's never been a Snow White with blond hair, as the story is clear about it being ebony. It's brought up multiple times in the book and is a point of insecurity for Apple. The Evil Queen also having blond hair is an... Interesting connection for them to have. As in, they share the one trait that separates Apple from the Snow White lineage.

One thing that actually threw me off, however, is that the Evil Queen actually had green eyes in her youth. And you can actually see hints of green in the purple of her eyes if you look at her show model. Raven's eyes are purely purple and Apple's are blue. The EQ having green eyes seemed so left field to me.

The theory implies that the purple highlights in Raven's hair and the purple coloring in the EQ's hair comes from their magic, if we extend that to their eyes it does actually start to make more sense. Raven's powers could develop quicker/stronger than her mother's, which could have caused the purple coloring to affect her eye color quicker than it did the EQ's. It's very possible that Raven was born with green eyes and they changed the stronger her magic got.

But then what about Apple's eyes? One thing I found odd even watching Dragon Games for the first time is the very obvious difference in the shade of Apple and Snow's eyes. They're both blue, but Apple's are a lot lighter while SW's seem to be darker. It's like the show went out of their way to show even more distinction between them.

You know who also has blue eyes? The Good King.

Well, according to his Wiki page. I actually didn't make note if his eye color was mentioned in SBOL (and I can't because I had to return the loan). This fact may not be true, since Raven's non-existent brother Michael is still on there (seriously why hasn't anyone removed him).

But still, if the Good King does have blue eyes, that could be another physical connection Apple has to Raven's family.

2. Parallels

One thing I was surprised the theory never mentioned was the Two Sisters fairytale.

If you don't know, the Two Sisters is the tale about an "ugly" sister and a "beautiful" sister. The ugly sister is kind so butterflies float around her head while the beautiful sister is mean so she only attracts flies. The beautiful sister wants to get rid of her flies so she has the ugly sister lower her into a well. Then she makes the ugly sister go into the well too, and she almost drowns. But she escapes with the help of her butterflies. The ugly sister turns beautiful and the beautiful sister turns ugly. The flies that circled the beautiful sister returned and chased her into the forest and she was never heard from again.

This story is important because Raven found out that the sisters who were supposed to have this story- Bella Sister and Brutta Sister- never signed and instead ran away.

Why am I bringing it up? Well, in SBOL after Raven reads the story, the next time Apple is given a POV, we get a flashback of her almost drowning in a well as a child.

This is very clearly an attempt to draw a parallel between Apple and Raven and Bella and Brutta. But if it was just that Raven decided to reject her fate like Bella, it doesn't say much. Brutta didn't want Bella to suffer a villain's fate as much as Bella didn't want to try to drown her, while Apple wants to embrace destiny fully even if it means confining Raven to a life she doesn't want.

To me, this is trying to tell us something else. That maybe we should be looking at Apple and Raven's relationship differently.

3. Attitude and Personality

A somewhat surprising detail that I noticed is that Apple acts a lot like the Evil Queen, especially in how she treats Raven.

"Apple smiled. She could play the damsel-in-distress like a cow could jump over a moon. The male species couldn’t resist wanting to help her."

"...but the guilt passed as quickly as a butterfly. Looking out for Raven was in Raven’s best interest."

"It’s not wrong for people to see in you your true nature." (To Raven)

"Sometimes she couldn’t think of anything comforting to say. It was a small weakness she was determined to mend."

"Raven’s Coat of Infinite Darkness should have hidden her from anyone who didn’t know she was already there. Apple was very smart."

"Take your hands off me at once, or I swear by wishing wells, seven-league boots, silver wands, and all marvelous things that you will regret it!” (To Goblins)

This is NOT me saying that Apple is evil like the EQ. But more that she can be manipulative, overbearing, and commanding similarly to the EQ. Apple is a lot nicer and has more of a conscience, but she isn't afraid of crossing boundaries to get what she wants (or rather, to do what she thinks is right). She lacks natural empathy a lot of the time (which isn't a bad thing), and it's something she's desperately trying to fix about herself. She's also said to be very intelligent.

(I also want to mention her behavior during the Topsy Turvy spell. I know the spell was said to make the people cursed act the opposite of how they usually would, but as OP points out, Apple really went far with it. She wasn't a mean girl, she was downright evil. OP assumed this could be her true nature. I... Half disagree. I think it's way more that Apple makes a point to make sure she's as nice and helpful as possible, hiding her true feelings so that she's the perfect Snow White. I think the topsy turvy spell made it so that she didn't do that. In other words, it got rid of her inhibitions. Instead of making sure she doesn't say and do awful things, she no longer holds anything back for the sake of being good which is why she's so much worse than the other students)

But like with appearances, there isn't much connecting Raven to Snow White. Sure, Raven is kind. She shows concern for others and likes to help people. She tries to be nice even when she's treated horribly. But nothing about this is specifically Snow White.

In fact, she seems to drive animals away. Her singing causes thorns to ensnare her and Apple. Only ogres obey and listen to her (though they did adhere to Apple). She's also sarcastic and dry. In this regard, there isn't a lot about her that matches up with Snow White.

(If we're being completely fair, Snow White also never had as many defining traits as the Evil Queen, even in the original Grimm Fairytale. So attempting to mirror her in Apple or Raven might have been a struggle for the writers)

4. Symbolism

You know what threw me off? The fact that Apple's animal companion was a snow fox.

It seemed like such an odd choice when I read it. Like, why a fox of all things? But then I looked into actual symbolism for snow foxes.

Overall Symbolism: Adaptability, Resourcefulness, & Intelligence

Christian Symbolism: Purity & Humility

Native American Symbolism: Resilience & Determination

Eastern Symbolism: Cleverness & Cunning

I actually thought it was really interesting that all of these traits seem to fit Apple. She's resilient, clever, determined, and resourceful. But she's also supposed to stand for purity and humility too. Almost like there are two sides of Apple: how she actually is and what she pushes herself to be because of expectations.

(This actually comes up a lot in the book. Apple's good deeds come from a place of needing to set a good example and live up to the Snow White legacy. She separates what she actually thinks and feels from what she's supposed to perceive as right and wrong)

Raven having a dragon is definitely less unexpected. However, there's decent symbolism with her too. In Eastern traditions, dragons stand for supernatural power, wisdom, strength, and hidden knowledge. These are all things that definitely fit Raven. If we're looking at this in comparison to the Snow White destiny, the wisdom and power could be alluding to her eventually becoming Queen.

5. My Thoughts

Do I think Raven and Apple were switched at birth? No. Primarily because I can't think of a valid reason for it happening. OP suggests the Evil Queen switched Apple and Raven's powers, forcing Snow White to switch out their babies. But this reason is convoluted at best.

For one, the Evil Queen seems to care for Raven as much as she's able. Raven herself states that the EQ loves her in her own way. She wants to bond with Raven, wants Raven by her side as she tries to take over the world. I can't see her being like this towards someone she knows is Snow's daughter.

I also can't think of why she would do this. She's all too eager to continue her legacy through Raven. Why would she change Apple's fate that way if she was her actual heir?

No, my theory is that Raven and Apple are sisters, both daughters of the Evil Queen.

(I'm so sorry Rapple shippers)

I know, that's possibly more outrageous than the switched at birth theory. But my mind couldn't stop circling back to this. Apple shares so many traits with the Evil Queen, but Raven doesn't share as many with Snow White. The Two Sisters parallels were too heavy to ignore.

Why and how would this happen? I think that when the Evil Queen had them, Apple was born without powers. Since the EQ values power over everything (other than beauty) she decided Apple was worthless. But instead of getting rid of Apple, she gave her to Snow and Charming (who couldn't have kids) either anonymously as a cruel twist of fate or some sort of deal was made between them.

That or her having twins sent Grimm and Snow into panic mode since she was already on her magical rampage. So they made a plan to take one of the babies to avoid something similar happening in the future. Snow agreed to raise her as her own as the next Snow White to combat whatever "natural evil" she was born with.

It could be why Grimm is so invested in Apple and Raven specifically. He's trying to make sure Apple stays good and Raven turns evil so that the Snow White story can play out smoothly and things can stay balanced within the Realms.

Now if we wanna step away from secret baby theories (which I totally get), another possibility is that Raven and Apple's destinies were swapped. Which I also think is very likely.

OP points out in Thronecoming when Raven calls Apple selfish for wanting her to sign, Apple retorts that she wants to keep everyone safe. She then hands Raven an apple and tells her that she's the one being selfish. She's directly mirroring what the Evil Queen does, like their roles have been swapped.

She also adds that when Raven is transported into Snow White's story later in the episode, the old woman is basically shouting that this is her destiny as she hands her the apple. None of the other girls are being pushed as strongly. Sure, we can look at this as just her destiny in general, but it could be indicating that she will take the role of Snow White.

We saw in Dragon Games that Apple easily became jealous of Raven for how liked she was becoming. Which is similar to why the Evil Queen hates Snow White. If the show hadn't gotten cancelled, this could have been her slow descent towards evil while Raven was coming into being good.

(And to be honest, this can still happen with the twin theory. Every Snow White story is different. A jealous sister can fit into the story as well as a jealous stepmother)

Now before anyone says that Apple and Raven saw their destinies... No they didn't. They saw their fates from a fake Storybook of Legends. A fake put there by the Evil Queen, mind you.

Raven's fate was depicted as her being even more evil than her mother. It would be so like the EQ to curse the fake book to depict her daughter's fate as overly villainous. As for Apple, it could have also been cursed to act out as the original book would for anyone who proclaimed themselves the child of whatever fairytale character. So her saying that she's the daughter of Snow White showed her the typical fate of the next Snow White.

(I mentioned earlier that Apple is only said to look like Snow White during her glimpse into the future at Legacy Day. This actually plays into the fate she sees being false. It's showing her what she wants to see, and that's being able to live up to her mother)

Yes Raven signed the true book in Wonderland. But all that did was give her the EQ's full powers. Powers which were part of the reason Apple became jealous in the first place. We never saw Raven's actual destiny from that book.

So no, I don't think Apple and Raven were switched at birth. But I do think OP's observations do leave a lot to be analyzed. I know a lot of people will say that this being canon ruins the story, but I honestly don't think so. Raven and Apple can still decide their destinies. It doesn't matter who their parents are or aren't, what matters is what choices they make. The main theme of Ever After High is choice. If Apple ever did turn towards evil, Raven would be right there trying to pull her back.

They choose their destinies. They decide their fates no matter what happens

[linghxr]

My late summer 2023 cdrama updates (+ movies)

This is a follow-up to a previous post I published in February. I'm thinking of doing twice-yearly updates on what I'm watching! I'm also including a few movies this time.

I'm going to try to include content warnings, BUT my memory is not perfect, so please be aware that I may have forgotten details.

Shows I've watched: Some of these were mentioned as "currently watching" in my previous post.

《消失的孩子》 The Disappearing Child As the title suggests, this show is a mystery about a child who goes missing. It also incorporates other plotlines that gradually converge—that's all I'll say to avoid spoiling it. The payoff when the plotlines finally intersect was so satisfying! Overall I really enjoyed this show and highly recommend it. Be aware that it does have references to sexual assault and corpses (I don't think anything was directly shown).

《猎罪图鉴》 Under the Skin This show is about a sketch artist, a police detective, and an old murder case that connects them. I enjoyed the first half, which mostly chronicled stand-alone cases. But I found some cases hard to follow (disclaimer: my police vocab is limited, and I took several breaks while watching). Frankly I was a bit disappointed by the ending, so I don't think I'll watch the upcoming second season. Warning: contains some depictions of sexual assault and domestic violence.

《她和她的她》 Shards of Her To avoid spoiling anything, I'll just say that this show is about a woman who, after experiencing a traumatic accident, wakes up in an alternate version of her life. This show had me constantly doubting what was real and what was fake! I really couldn't get it out of my head. BUT I ultimately wouldn't recommend it due to what I found to be pretty disturbing sexual violence. I don't think there was anything too graphic, but I had to take significant breaks between episodes due to the upsetting content.

《镇魂》 Guardian I knew virtually nothing about this show (I thought it was steampunk tbh) but had heard good things. It's hard to summarize...basically it follows a police bureau that handles supernatural cases and, with some help from a mysterious, powerful envoy, saves the world. My favorite part was the first half, when they were mostly solving stand-alone cases. I got a bit fatigued during the second half. But it was perfect for when I wanted to unwind after work. Warning: the ending left me upset, and the special effects are hilariously bad.

《模仿犯》 Copycat Killer This is probably one of the most violent and death-heavy shows I've ever seen (and that's coming from someone who has seen Criminal Minds and part of Hannibal). It's about an unconventional prosecutor and a sadistic serial killer who uses the media to cause mass panic. Without spoiling it, I'll just say you need to be prepared for murder, torture, suicide, and other violent imagery. This show is not for the faint of heart—I could barely finish it, honestly. There are no happy endings for this kind of show.

Movies I've watched:

《想见你》（电影版） Someday or One Day (Movie) This long-anticipated film adaptation was a letdown for me personally. Instead of simply condensing the show, they made A LOT of changes. I'm not against changes, but the plot of the movie was way too confusing for me to follow. I'm not even going to try summarizing it here. If you haven't seen the show, I think you'll be completely lost. If you have seen the show, you'll be wishing you were rewatching the show instead.

《消失的她》 Lost in the Stars I'll admit, I only went to see this to see 朱一龙. The premise is very Hitchcock—a man is nearly driven over the edge after his wife vanishes and a woman he has never met appears, claiming to be his wife. There are lots of twists and turns, and I did not see the ending coming at all. Personally, I wish it had less action and more elements of a psychological thriller. It was a fun summer movie, but it wasn't anything groundbreaking. But that's OK!

《关于我和鬼变成家人的那件事》 Marry My Dead Body I barely knew anything about this film before I watched it. I only knew it had 许光汉, and I saw a lot of buzz online. It's about a homophobic police officer who enters into a ghost marriage with a (male) ghost. Frankly, I didn't like it that much. I did enjoy seeing the characters' growth, but the plot was very fast-paced, so I didn't have time to process anything that happened. Please note: there is rear nudity and some limited depictions of sex.

Currently watching:

《隐秘的角落》 The Bad Kids After hearing about how great this show is for years, I'm finally checking it out. I've only seen the first episode so far, but I'm really excited to see what's to come! It's about three children who accidentally film a murder. That's really all I know at this point.

《我们与恶的距离》 The World Between Us I haven't even finished the first episode of this show yet. I started it but decided to pause because I felt like I was juggling too many shows. I plan to revisit it after I finish some other shows. I know it's about the aftermath of a mass shooting, so I'm expecting it to be very grim.

《不良执念清除师》 Oh No! Here Comes Trouble I saw a lot of praise for this show online. It's a bit odd but in an endearing way. It follows a young man who discovers he inherited a mystical power after all sorts of strange beings start coming to him for help. So far the only thing I disliked was the gore.

《你的孩子不是你的孩子》 On Children This show is kind of like Black Mirror but with the theme of troubled parent-child relationships. Each episode is practically a movie, and I have only finished one so far. If you are not on good terms with your parents, it may bring up some painful memories.

Potentially abandoning:

《理智派生活》 The Rational Life I started this drama because I was curious about the premise—a professional woman's ups and downs in the workplace. There is also a slow romance (a 姐弟 romance since the male lead is much younger). However, after finishing episode 23 out of 35, the thought of watching 12 more episodes kinda fills me with dread.

《你安全吗？》 Are You Safe? This show is about "vigilante" hackers and the antics they get up to. It's supposed to raise awareness for cybersecurity. Honestly I don't think I have made any progress on this show since my last post...! I may just abandon it because there are a lot of other shows that have more successfully caught my interest.

I can't wait to share another update on what I'm watching/have watched in 6 months or so!

[thenightling]

Book bannings and schools mishandling books rant:

Book bannings, particulary school book bannings are weird and arbitrary and that's how they look to kids too.

I went to a number of different schools in Nassau County Long Island as a child. One school banned Goosebumps books as "too scary." And the teacher didn't consider them "Real reading" anyway.

That same school had banned Where's Waldo? (Wally to you UK readers). And "I spy" / "Eye Spy" books (where you search for the objects in cluttered picture, similar to Where's Waldo. They claimed it wasn't really reading.

Well, here's something the "clever" people running that school didn't realize. I'm visually impaired. Optic nerve damage since birth. And "Eye Spy" books were a good form of exercise in helping me focus my eyes. I can't control my own eye movements and those books helped a little but SOMEONE deemed them "not educational."

And my family was pretty poor. And didn't have a car. Trips to the public library weren't as often as I liked and my mother had a bit habit of not returning things to the library so that was also a factor on if we could take anything out.

In another school I went to comic books and graphic novels (Novels in comic book format) were not allowed. I strongly suspect there were parents who thought "graphic" meant sexual content as that's what I came across when asking people who were pro-banning Maus (the graphic novel about a mouse in the holocaust). The English teacher claimed comics are "not really reading." One kid made a great argument about how Shakespeare and classic literature has been adapted in graphic novel form but she argued that it is like a very abridged version since they put pictures instead of written descriptions. I had the impression she hadn't physically seen these graphic novels but assumed.

When I entered Junior High school the school library had a great book on Hebrew folklore that I liked and another book about beliefs in the occult. I tried to take them out and got a lecture from the librarian that those are "reference books only" and cannot be borrowed from the library. umm... Why? And what's the point of a Junior high school "reference only" book? How often do Junior High school kids get to sit down in the library for long stretches at a time.

In seventh grade a teacher from BOCES assessed my reading level. (I was skipped around a lot so I was only eleven). She determined that I had a third or fourth grade reading level at the time. I said "Well, that can improve, right?" (because I loved to read). She replied with "Usually at this age your reading level becomes stationary." I was ELEVEN! Who does that? It was like a deliberate effort to sabotage and discourage my love of books. And ironically, somehow, in English class we were reading The White Mountains, which was a great Scifi novel. And I was not struggling, I was enjoying it.

In my nineth grade English literature class we were handed text books. I always loved these because they were essentially anthology collections of great short stories. The teacher NEVER used the text book. She never assigned any story in it. I saw Harrison Bergeron listed and I had just seen the TV movie version so I wanted to read the original story. I asked the teacher about it and her "words of encouragement" were "That's not going to be assigned. You don't have to read that. Don't bother." I read it on my own.

This same teacher had ordered me to stop reading ahead when we were assigned chapters of Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. I loved that book. When I asked why she said "Because you'll forget what you've read."

Well, here it is, almost thirty-years-later and I haven't forgotten at all. Thanks for "Encouraging" me to read.

Another "Encouragement" was when I was in a programming for visually impaired students and the teacher had a book case full of the classics. And "You can read them but only if you write a book report for me after each one."

Well, I just wanted to read them. She wasn't my English teacher. Why should I write her a report? It wasn't going to impact my grade, just slow down my ability to read the next one. So I started to pretend I hadn't finished one book and would discretely move on to another. I did this several times.

One teacher's assistant didn't believe me when I came back from summer break having discovered a love of Anne Rice novels. She started to quiz me on The Queen of the damned to prove to her I read it. (This was before there was even a movie version, mind you). Why do these things? You're going to discourage kids from reading.

In yet another school I went to I was surprised that not only were all of these things allowed and encouraged but the school library even had a coffin shaped book case full of Goosebumps books.

To me this was surreal as I had it engrained into me that Goosebumps was "Not real reading." And "didn't belong in school." I guess that particular school was being reactionary to the books being fashionable among kids (the way Harry Potter would later be). And since kids liked them "Something must be wrong."

But thirteen-year-old me still had the mentality of "Wow, I can't believe this. I wonder how long before they decide they made a mistake and that these should be banned." The below image is similar to the book case the school had.

Combine all this with schools obnoxiously always assigning grim and depressing stories about "coming to terms with loss and death" and it's a wonder any kid likes to read.

I've met grown adults who think all books are about coming to terms with death because that was literally ALL They were assigned as kids. Old Yeller, Charlotte's Web, On my Honor, Bridge to Terabithia... "But kids should learn about death and loss." Yes, but not when it's literally EVERY book they've ever been assigned! It's a wonder anyone grew up loving books.

[wonderfuldeath]

.o| Bad Temptation : XXI |o.

Warnings : Violence, injury, graphic depictions, sex

Please, consider supporting me on Ko-Fi ! ♥

“- What are you doing here?

- A routine visit, nothing more.

- I didn't know lawyers were allowed to go around bars, it must be bad for the CV.”

Heisukei only gives a small laugh, which makes Hoseok wrinkle his nose. Crossing his arms over his chest, he settles more comfortably into his office chair, looking for the slightest sign in this abject individual that would give him some meaning to this whirlwind visit. But there was nothing in the lawyer's body language to make him understand why he'd set foot in his establishment. This made him rather nervous. The demon remains on his guard, knowing that Heisukei could have been up to anything, just for fun.

“- I've reread all our laws, you know.

- Good for you.

- And I've never found a law that explains why demons like you can't come back to Earth, open businesses, steal the work of honest people.”

Hoseok remained silent for a few seconds, before slowly straightening up. The audacity of this individual will always amaze him. A bitter chuckle passes his lips as he lets his chair slide back to his feet. He'd never liked Heisukei, and it wasn't just because he was his girlfriend's ex-spouse, although that was part of it. No, he didn't like Heisukei because something seemed wrong with him from the first time he'd met his gaze, something he hadn't yet put his finger on.

“- I'm sorry to hear that you don't yet know how to read our laws. So I invite you to do so and come back later.

- Oh. I don't think you'll be here to greet me anyway. After all, as the mayor stipulated in his last mandate, we no longer accept any unauthorized individuals on our territory.”

Hoseok gazes at him with dark eyes, but says nothing. He watches the three men escorting Heisukei into his office. They smell bad, worse than a rotting zombie, which sends shivers down his spine. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's going on. Yet Hoseok remains calm, much more so than he would have expected in such a situation. He takes his jacket and one of his best bottles from the shelf, joining the door without being asked.

“- It's been a long time since I've had a vacation. How generous of you.

- I'm delighted we finally understand each other.

- But don't expect to profit from my establishments. Hell has no shortage of your kind, Mr. Damarro, don't you ever forget that.”

When Hoseok walks through the door, he doesn't need to do much for the entire building, along with hundreds of other businesses, to disappear. All that's left is a lot of empty, unkempt land. Heisukei stares into space for long minutes before tapping his foot on the dusty ground, railing against the whole planet, and everything he can.

“- Mr. Damarro…

- What now?

- The mayor wants to see you.”

He takes a deep breath, then simply nods. The journey is silent. None of his guards really dares to speak, and they're all almost relieved when they arrive at the town hall. The town's central building had lost some of its splendor, but Heisukei doesn't dwell on the old building. He walked through the corridors as if he owned the town hall, wrinkling his nose and eyebrows at the sickening scene before him: Mr. Choi, the old vampire who couldn't bear to lose his establishment, was naked, accompanied by a demon. He hisses through his teeth, expressing his disdain, and the young woman quickly disappears into black dust, causing the new mayor to grumble.

“- I was having fun! I wasn't expecting you for at least two hours.

- Let's just say my visit was cut short. What's wrong?

- I still haven't taken back the establishment that was stolen from me. Why? You promised me power and control!

- The Jeon family played their cards faster than I thought. Unfortunately, someone didn't inform me that the wedding season was about to open.

- As if I could. You know very well I have no way of knowing.”

Heisukei refrains from commenting on this stupid mistake. He should be more careful now that he'd stirred up the anthill. Surely alienating the major families wasn't a rich idea. But when you're like him, impatient, you want it all, right away. It was probably stupid, but that was part of his charm after all. He tugged at his jacket, feeling a whiff of disgust as he watched the old man put clothes back on, then walked over to the window, looking at his empire at hand.

“- Your business is ruined, you'll never get it back. The Jeon family did it right. Get over it, we've got work to do, and something far more important than your stupid press.

- What a waste, a thriving business in the hands of a fake vampire. What a shame.”

Heisukei lets out an unpleasant, knife-like laugh, turning to the old man. He glares at him, disgusted by this filthy being. There had always been something disgusting about this odious character. But he was a useful pawn, one he could manipulate to his heart's content without having to fear the consequences. He knew the time would come, and he looked forward to the moment when he would crush him like a common insect. The old man stepped back, obviously not that stupid. Heisukei blew out his breath to relax, looking out over the city again. Soon, everything would be his. His big day would come, and no one would be there to stop him. Taehyung and Jungkook's wedding was just a futility, nothing more. If that idiot Lysa had played her part properly… That's why he didn't like entrusting important tasks to stupid pawns, because afterwards, you had to pick up the pieces. He moistens his lips, turning back to the old man, a little calmer.

“- What about the Kim mansion? Did you have it demolished as requested?

- Actually… that is…

- That what? The tone startled the man, who lowered his head, like a child caught at fault. - Mr. Jeon stopped by City Hall this morning… and…

- And what?

- He bought the mansion from my secretary… during our meeting.”

The office passes through the window, making a hell of a noise. This will most certainly appear in the papers the next day, because of those rapacious journalists incapable of respecting people's privacy. But it goes right over the sorcerer's head, his anger exploding as he waltzes around the furniture, under the terrified gaze of the mayor, who is looking for a corner to hide in.

“- I gave clear instructions. I'm surrounded by incompetents.”

The bookcase flies out, crushing the old man under the floorboards. Heisukei pisses even more at this umpteenth stupidity. Blood drips between the shelves, and he stands there for a minute contemplating the lifeless body. The first generations of vampires were really fragile, and this makes him nauseous. What a waste. He adjusts the folds of his jacket, before stepping out of the office under the appalled and terrified gazes of the secretaries.

“- Mr. Mayor has had an unfortunate accident. Please notify the emergency services.

- Yes, sir…

- From now on, I'll be at the head of the city. Send out a press release. I'll be giving an interview first thing Friday.”

Like little ants, the two vampires hurried to obey his orders, running in all directions, clumsy and indelicate. Heisukei couldn't understand how such an inferior species could be treated so well. This would be one of the first things he'd put in place: only superior beings would be entitled to the best things, the rest are just insects, malleable people. They don't need rights, just to serve those above them and keep quiet. He feels soothed by this thought, calmly rejoining his car.

“- Kim's Restaurant.”

[whumpflash]

Shadow Puppet: Outfoxed

cw: broken bones, immortal whumpee, slight body horror (not graphic)

previous part

Peter lay in the dark, where everything was pain. Locust had put him away. He couldn't tell where, couldn't even shift without a wave of agony crashing over him, but it was cool, and damp, and it was harder to breathe than his shattered ribs already made it.

It was almost enough to make him wish he were still a mortal, that it was only a matter of time before death would come to steal him away from here.

But it wouldn't, and it wasn't, and he didn't.

Time would pass, and bones would heal, and someday he could forget.

He didn't know how long it had been when his voice gave out. Probably a few days, maybe a few weeks, but his periodic bouts of screaming or whimpering or weeping from the pain were all but silent now.

Would his boys find him, wherever he was? Were they even looking?

Peter couldn't quite blame them if they weren't. Looking got boring, after one went too long without finding. But still, a small, quiet part of him wished they were anyway.

Being alone in the dark with only pain for company was pretty boring. The endless nothing was almost worse than the hurt. He could barely even think above the howl of his bones. Couldn't even tell himself a story to pass the time, could only sob voicelessly.

In time, his hunger grew enough to be noticed, and something almost like fear began to surface: what if he couldn't heal? What if his body was too weak to rebuild on its own?

Would it be enough to kill him?

With nothing else to occupy his thoughts, the fear grew, ate at him.

Worse, what if it didn't kill him? What if he rotted away until recovery was impossible, but he remained aware of it all? Unable to speak, or move, or explore ever again? Kept even from the final curious unknown that death would bring. 

Locust came for him eventually, a voice echoing from somewhere far over his head.

He was in a cave then, some pit in the earth swallowing him like a beast.

The revelation was ripped away from his mind as the shadows descended on him like birds of prey, grasping broken limbs and lifting him, ignorant of the terrible sound he was making—trying to make.

He heard—across from him now, a few feet away—a scoff of disgust. Locust, in the darkness before him.

"You're a sight."

It occured to him then, that maybe he wasn't in the darkness. Maybe he just couldn't see. Under normal circumstances, this new idea might've caused him a good deal of panic, but the fire in his arms and back and ribs—pressure on cracked bones as he was dangled in the air by his wrists—greedily held all his attention.

"Have you learned, Pan?" called Locust.

Learned what? Learned what? He failed to see how any of this could be a lesson. Couldn't they just leave it at a punishment? He understood that much. A consequence. A cause and effect.

But a lesson? No.

Haven't you at least learned, came a reasoning voice in the back of his mind, that the fae are not to be taken lightly?

He pushed it down. To hell with that. They'd have to learn that he wouldn't be so easily cowed.

It was becoming harder to breathe now, his own weight crushing his lungs, but that wasn't much of a worry. James had drowned him a time or two, and it never stopped him for long.

You could swim away then, said the same reasoning voice. Now you can't even lift a finger.

Shut up.

"Can't speak? Here I was certain at least your tongue would find a way to keep working," Locust said. Peter ignored him, as if he were capable of doing anything else.

"I brought water," the faerie continued. "From the fountain."

That got his attention, though he wasn't sure how much it showed on his face.

"You can have some if you'd like. But know this isn't a gift. You've been given too many of those already, especially for one so insolent as yourself."

Of course it wouldn't be that easy. Peter could feel a whine pulling at his ragged throat, the only thing he could do in protest of this.

"I'm being generous, boy. Don't test me." 

He heard something being unscrewed, and wondered if it was his own flask, if Locust had held onto it for… however long it had been. The notion almost made him angry. He'd collected that water himself, and the faerie had no right to hold it over his head.

"My deal is simple. You drink from the fountain, you heal, and you enter my service. Oh, you can still frolic around the island and play your petty games, but when I call for you, you will come. And you will do as I say."

Hell if he would! A barbed rebuff hung in his mouth, unable to be spoken, however hard he tried.

"You don't seem to like that. Pity," Locust said. "Oh well, we have all the time in the world for you to reconsider."

The icy hands on his wrists uncurled, and Peter felt himself drop. He managed flight for a split second, out of sheer desperation to not meet the ground so quickly, but his concentration broke almost immediately.

His luck was good though. When he hit the ground with a crunch, the neverland let him sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Locust came back six more times. Peter could remember that much, repeating the number in his head over and over again.

Each visit ended with Peter broken into more pieces than he'd had at the start.

Each time left him a little closer to folding, to taking Locust's offer. What else could he do? He was clever, but the faerie had outfoxed him. Even if his boys were looking, they wouldn't find him down here, and leaving on his own was impossible.

There was only one path, and it belonged to Locust. He could take it, or he could lie in the middle of the road and rot.

It was the eighth visit where something felt different. The shadows were more gentle when they came for him, as gentle as one could be when the slightest touch made him convulse in pain.

And at the top, when he could feel the change in the air on his face, he was greeted by a voice that wasn't Locust's.

"Pan…"

Bell. Small and quiet and sad.

He wanted to speak to her. At least tell her she was right and he was stupid, sometimes, but of course the words refused to budge from his torn throat.

But it was Bell. So when she wordlessly held something wet to his lips, he drank without hesitation. It was Bell. Bell had warned him. Bell had given him gifts before, so why not again?

The water seeped through his body, untwisting his mangled limbs, straightening his spine, reforming his ribs and skull, and the sudden lack of pain was so great he could've wept for relief. As the weakness left his body, as he lost his hunger and thirst, his vision began to creep back in.

And he saw Bell.

And behind her, he saw Locust. Smiling.

You drink from the fountain. You heal. And you enter my service.

"No…" his first spoken word in what must've been months came out a whisper. Outfoxed. Outwitted even further.

That same voice of reason in his head came, louder now that he could focus on something besides how much it all hurt.

You would've agreed eventually.

It didn't matter! He'd been tricked. He could find a way around it. Worm through some loophole—

The shadows keeping him in the air suddenly threw him forward, hands and knees scraping the stone. He barely felt it, scrambling to stand—

"No. Kneel," said Locust, and try as he might, Peter couldn't force his body to disobey.

"Damn you!" he spat.

"And shut up."

His mouth sealed itself closed. All he could do was glower up at the faerie, Bell silent beside them.

"You couldn't be our friend, Pan. Too wild. Too human," Locust said, shaking their head. "But you may yet make a fine pawn."

Bell's eyes were pointed at the floor, and though Peter almost wished he felt the fury that came with betrayal, he felt nothing.

I would've agreed eventually. Perhaps his first sensible thought, at least his first in a very long time.

Once Locust let him up, Peter took to the skies like a bird. The wind in his face, the relief in his bones, it all felt like a return to paradise. But it was just a farce of freedom, and he knew, he knew there was no one to blame for that but him.

He could play at pointing fingers all day. The fair folk being too strict, Locust being too vengeful. But in the end, it was all him.

He soared above the neverland, back towards the camp, wondered if they'd rejoice at his return or try to chase him off, or just react with nothing at all.

Far below him, his shadow followed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tag list: (thanks for reading! this concludes my mini spinoff lol)

@hold-back-on-the-comfort , @i-can-even-burn-salad , @whumpsday , @starlit-hopes-and-dreams , @rabbitdrabbles , @cyberneticwhump , @dream-whump , @apokolyps , @kixngiggles , @suspicious-whumping-egg , @chibichibivale , @itsdappleagain , @lelly-belly , @whumpy-catfish , @enteredin2eternity ,

[androgynousblackbox]

My dog died and all I got was sore arms

I haven't slept in at least twelve hours, people, so I better take the chance to keep this rush going until I inevitably crash all the way down. I just want to talk about today. Warning because it gets gross and graphic because fuck me, I guess. I had to live this, I get to tell it.

So the day started as normal. I went downstairs with Oscar so we could both get some breakfast. We had agreed to see the vet at 12 and it was way before that, so I thought eating something would give me a push of energy to keep awake. I haven't stopped petting him all night, only when he himself wanted to play a little or drink water. After that I kept him with me as long I could.

I go downstairs and I see Oscar trying to take a shit. This is important because it has been four days already since he wasn't abled to and the vet told us that his tumor had gotten so big that was obstructing anything from coming out, which was very bad because it could become toxic inside his body and then, boy, that is going to be some painful ass death and we don't want that.

I look at him for a bit, but soon I start to get panicked because not only nothing is coming out, he is still pressing so fucking hard. Little drops of shit go down and he is still trying, dragging his body across the floor, until I see something just about to come out. I can't see it clealy but it looks red so I, ever the optimistic, immediately think that those are his intestines and he is actually hurting himself, if I somehow don't manage to get him to stop he is going to fucking die from blood loss after shitting his organs out. When I try to clean his assholes with the paper towells I just can feel something hard and I have no fucking clue of how intestines being shit out have to feel, so that doesn't help me at all.

You see, this was around 8 in the morning. I was the only one awake in the house. The vet appointment wasn't until four hours later. I call mom to please contact the vet, please get him here so he can give him something for the pain, something, anything, and while she is dressing herself up… he manages to shit a enormous shit that looked hard as a rock. After doing that I still had to clean his asshole with my hand. After a little freak out to my mom because I honestly thought he was going to fucking bleed to death in my arms, I manage to calm down and get Oscar back into my arms. Obviously with some old raggedy ass sheet we were never going to use again anyway because the diarrhea could get on my legs.

Now, it has been weeks since his last bath so he wasn't smelling like fresh puppy already, but now there was that to account. Trying to avoid the stains on his fur I still hold him and pet him, telling him over and over again that I loved him and kissing his head. His fur, the parts that weren't stained, was still so soft and white.

When it's time to go, the entire way I am thinking of somehow running away, to delay it a week more, a day more, but I know that would have only made it worse for the both of us. We get inside the vet's place and let me tell you, on my insides I am still mad at this man because he didn't prepared me for absolute shit.

He first put a tranquilizer on Oscar, but didn't tell me that it would take ten whole fucking ass minutes into doing anything to him. So when I saw him moving his head still and looking around, imagine my fucking surprise when the vet is back after preparing the rest of the stuff and he is still moving, more than willing to bite him for doing more shit he doesn't like.

He also didn't tell me that the effect of the lethal injection would be near instant. Like actually so. One second I can feel his breathing and the next he is gone. And like, that is stupid. It's stupid to feel upset about that. Because if anything that should be a good thing, right? It was all so quick he didn't suffer at all. Like just turning a switch off. But Jesus fuck, would have killed this man to tell me ANYTHING before doing it, TO GIVE ME A WARNING? So I could give him the last belly rub, because I was concentrating on holding his head instead. I wanted to give him a belly rub. He deserved that belly rub.

So he is gone and I have a small little breakdown right there, as you fucking do, and they put him on a cardboard box. Oh, also I put a lock of my hair with his body. Last night I cut as much hair I could off him to fill a little crochet heart I made, so in my head that makes sense. I have a little something of you, you have a little something of me.

I am not religious, superstitious or anything like that. But it means something to me that a part of me remains with his body.

We drove to a place my aunt own where she had told the gardener to make a hole for us. Call me a privilege asshole, because I really must be to think that the gardener himself would be there to wait for us to put the box down and then he would bury him. You know, like in normal funerals for people. The entire way there I can't help to feel that suddenly my arms are too light. My arms that carried Oscar up and down the stairs the last weeks, that carried him to the vet all those times since his diagnosis, that hold him the entire night, were too light and that felt so alien, so wrong to me.

But he wasn't a person, he was a dog. And the gardener probably had better things to do than stay there and pay respects for a dog he never even met. So the hole was there, the pile of dirt was there and against a tree there was what I can only describe as the absolute shittiest shovel that has ever existed on earth. That thing offended me the very moment I laid eyes on it.

Like, most shovels have a proper handle at the end and curve into a triangle on the side that actually goes into the dirt. But this bullshit, this shitty ass thing, was nothing but a metal squared tube ending on a small metallic plate that was only slighty curved. If the gardener actually used that to make the hole, that was rather well made and sufficiently deep, I am going to be fucking impressed.

There wasn't anything else to use, though, so I shoveled that dirt myself until my hands were red, my arms hurt and even my legs were pained. I am an artist, and also a lazy fuck, so you can only imagine my noodle ass arm not being used at all to that physical labor. Mom kept offering for us to do it together, but no fucking way, man. Oscar deserved this, Oscar was in so much pain and suffered so much for so long, so the least I could do is to suffer a little more for him. He was mine. I owe it to him. It was only fair.

That burial was a labor of love. I am proud of doing that for him. I still hope the gardener has his own shovel that is better than that bullshit. But I am glad I did it.

Once I have a proper nap and my brain is back again to it's usual speed I will have a bad time and start missing him and think all sorts of awful things because he isn't here anymore. I will miss him. I miss him now. I don't regret one second I spend with that dog.

On the way back home the soreness in my arms was all I could ask for. Oscar wasn't there anymore, but I said goodbye the best way I could and he is not in pain anymore.

Que Descanses En Paz, Oscar.

[padfootagain]

Masterlist - Requests are still open! - The Tag list is open again!

Hi! Here is my posting schedule for the coming two weeks! I'm going to keep the current pace for posting my fics, which means a new fic every two days!

We're finishing up my Caspian series The King and You, and it makes me a little emotional... but I have lots of new projects that I'm very excited about too! I'm also going to start posting my first series for Wolfstar! I'm very excited about this one, it's gonna be very cute!

After the cut, there is a more detailed list of my projects and things I'm currently working on, so if you're curious, you can check that out :)

I'm also opening my tag list again, so if you want to be tagged in some (or all) of my fics, you can send me a little message and I will add you to the tag list!

03/05/2023 - Chapter 2 for Because We Are Made of Dreams : Sirius Black x Original Female Character + Jily, rewriting of my first fic ever (because my English was terrible then and I wasn't very good at telling stories...), Slow Burn, Mature (graphic depiction of violence, mention of child abuse, graphic depiction of torture, mature themes)

05/05/2023 - Chapter 18 for The King and You : Caspian x Reader, fluff, angst, on-going series

07/05/2023 - The Cockroach : Sirius Black x Reader, fluffy fluff, professor AU + angry love confession trope, one-shot, requested for my Comeback Event

09/05/2023 - Chapter 6 for Something Good : Ben Barnes x Reader, Professor AU!, angst, fluff, slow-burn, enemies to lovers, on-going series

11/05/2023- Chapter 1 for The Isle of Dogs : Wolfstar, fluff, angst, slow-burn, modern AU, bookshop owner x tattoo artist AU, new series

13/05/2023 - For Your Family: Sirius Black x Reader, fluff, Soumates + Arranged Marriage AU, one-shot, requested for my Comeback Event

15/05/2023 - Chapter 19 for The King and You : Caspian x Reader, fluff, angst, on-going series, final chapter.

Here are a few projects I'm working on!!

We still have three fics to be posted for the Comeback Event (all of them are for Sirius, I don't know why I kept them for the end... sorry?), including the two requests I've included in this schedule.

The King and You is ending!! Concerning our dear king, I have 4 projects I'm currently working on about him!!! (all are series, this includes Pirates! that I started a long time ago and am picking up again, plus three new series I am going to start writing in the coming weeks, but they need a little bit more time in the brewing-cauldron (aka my brain)...)

I am obviously continuing Something Good (my on-going Ben Barnes x reader series)

I'm going to continue the rewriting of my first fic Because We Are Made of Dreams... even if you don't seem very interested in it. It's okay, I still enjoy doing it, so I'll keep going.

I'm going to start posting a new series for Wolfstar! It's going to be a Modern AU, with a bookshop x tattoo artist AU... it's very cute! I have about 16k words ready (although they are scattered scenes throughout the whole series, so I only have the first chapter ready, in reality). I'm very excited about it, I've read so much Wolfstar along the years, I don't know why I haven't written anything for these idiots yet... but here I go!

To all these personal projects, I have no less than 18 requests that were sent my way these past few weeks (thank you for your requests again!!). And they are all for Ben Barnes so... I hear you, people, I hear you, I'll write these and give you an awful lot of Ben fluff! However, as you can imagine, with 18 requests, I have a lot of work to do, so please, be patient. I'll eventually get through all of them, but it will take me several weeks to write all these!

So... lots of things to write!! I hope you'll enjoy these fics I'm working on!

[pangolinheart]

(how far did you have to dig to find that post wow lol)

Anyway Lahabrea

[[Actually it wasn't that hard to find! My obsessive tagging system isn't only for forcing my followers to look at huge blocks of text they don't care abou - it's also so I can find posts when I want to go back to them without going through hundreds of pages of reblogs!

Anyway, when I saw this ask I thought this was going to be the hardest pairing to write for... but it was actually one of the easiest. At first I thought the only way to make something work was to do something Hephaistos/Azem, but I still haven't played Endwalker so I wasn't confident in my ability to write for that time period, and based on ambient spoilers it seems like Hephaistos was pretty preoccupied with his wife and child. Then I realized I didn't actually know what Lahabrea really looked like and, well...

I'm not super happy with the way this turned out, but I'm too lazy to edit it again so it's good enough.]]

Send me a character and I'll describe a ship with them and my OC.

Cid | M'zhet | Lahabrea

TW: Dubious consent (implied). Nothing graphic or anything, it's just, um, sketchy as hell.

What are you drinking?” He leaned over the bar, putting his weight on his elbows. He didn’t sit down – not yet. He waited for an invitation.  

The miqo’te perched on the next barstool looked him up and down appraisingly. She didn’t even bother to hide it. Not in the mood to play coy tonight, it seemed. Maybe she had had a rough day.  

He had waited for her to notice him from across the room. And notice she did. Their eyes met and he fancied he could almost hear her thinking to herself: He’ll do. 

“That depends,” She almost purred, “What are you buying?” 

She hadn’t asked him to sit down, but she might as well have. He slid onto the plush velvet seat. This was a nicer place than usual, he noted. A classy little place where respectable people came to get less-than-respectably drunk. Was she celebrating something? Or did she just want a change of scenery? Who could say? He beckoned the bartender over. Wine seemed like it would suit the mood. He ordered something red and expensive – it wasn’t as if money meant much to him, anyway. 

He was an elezen tonight – dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes. He usually preferred hyur, but this body had been available and seemed like something she might like. Then again, her tastes were wide and varied.  

Why was he doing this again? 

It was no use asking himself the question. He didn’t have any new answers. He told himself that keeping tabs on this shard’s Warrior of Light was his business, but even he didn’t believe that. This could hardly be called business.  

Maybe it was because she made him feel the echo of something he hadn’t felt in a long time: interest. How long had it been since he was really interested in something? Detachment had been second nature to him for so long that he had almost forgotten what it felt like.  

And she was interesting for a mortal, at least in some ways. In others she was almost offensively average. And yet there were times she almost seemed… familiar, somehow. Perhaps it was because she was a Warrior of Light. He’d seen plenty of Warriors on plenty of shards; he could hardly be blamed if they all started to blend together. If nothing else, though, she was interesting because of how interested Hydaelyn seemed to be in her. She had expended quite a lot of power to protect her from the might of the Ultima Weapon, after all. With her strength already waning, he couldn’t help but wonder why she had risked exhausting what little of her power remained on this Warrior of Light. 

The bartender returned with two glasses of wine, and he offered one to her. She accepted it with thanks and took a sip, though her gaze never left his. His own traced along the features of her face with which he had become so well-acquainted – her dark eyelashes over her mismatched eyes, the swoop of her bangs across her forehead, the gentle curve of her lips. He smiled, and she smiled back. 

The first time had been an accident, of course. Entirely improvised. It had been shortly after he had possessed one of her colleagues, Thancred, but before he had been able to manufacture a pretense for the man’s absence. He had, of course, watched his vessel closely enough to confidently impersonate him, at least for a short time. He had planned to slowly withdraw from the Scions, until his presence would no longer be missed. A contingency he had not prepared, however, for was Thancred being seized by the Warrior of Light herself and all-but dragged to a dive bar outside of Ul’dah. He had been caught off guard by this turn of events and he was left with no choice but to humor her, drinking and laughing (or at least pretending to) until the early hours of the morning. Fortunately, he doubted she would be able to remember the night clearly enough to recall if he had said or done anything out of character. His grand plan had also failed to account for being pulled into her sleeping chambers upon their return to the Waking Sands, and into bed with her. He had no way of knowing if this behavior was typical and expected or not. He had never seen it happen before, but that didn’t necessarily mean it hadn’t. He was a busy man, after all. So, he had decided in the moment to just… play along.  

It had certainly been a novel experience. 

“So,” He said in the elezen’s low, smooth voice. “Are you here waiting for a friend?” 

She twirled the stem of her wineglass between her fingers. Always so fidgety. “More like looking for one.” 

“Well,” He set his own wine glass back on the bar. “I’d be happy to keep you company while you look.” 

The second time had been… less excusable. 

After the debacle that was Ultima – curse Hydaelyn for her interference! – he had needed time to formulate a new plan. And while he devised his next strategy, he had had little else to do but keep tabs on the Warrior of Light and her companions. 

It was during this time that he had begun to recognize a pattern to her behavior. On a semi-regular basis, usually when she had quarreled with a compatriot or was otherwise upset about something or other, she would seek out an establishment that sold alcohol and spend several hours there, eventually leaving with someone else. A different person each time.  

Having been expelled from the body of Thancred, he had been forced to seek out a new host, presumably yet unknown to the Scions of the Seventh Dawn, and in his idleness he had begun to wonder… 

Would she even notice? 

She would not, it turned out. At least, she hadn’t yet. And that had been half a dozen times ago, give or take. It had become a fun little game to amuse himself with while he waited for wheels to turn. No round was ever quite the same, and he never used the same guise twice. He tried to vary his selections; different appearances, different origins, different genders. Recently he’d begun branching out into different races, as well (though they might as well all be the same to him). The other unsundered had always nagged him about the frequency with which he discarded his vessels, to which he usually responded that it was hardly his fault these fragments were so breakable and so boring. Not everyone’s scheme could include the industrialized production of clones like Emet-Selch’s did. In the event he hadn’t assumed a new vessel since the last time, though, projecting a different appearance was a small feat for an Ancient of Lahabrea’s caliber.  

He tried a different tact in each iteration, partly to avoid arousing her suspicion and partly because it made the game more interesting. He wasn’t always successful – sometimes she was only in the mood for drinking, other times there was another patron than interested her more than he did, which he found annoying. Once he had even said something that offended her for some reason. He couldn’t remember what it was. Did it really matter? 

She was watching him thoughtfully over the lip of her wineglass. She had half-emptied the glass already. He wondered if that was all it would take tonight. But when she opened her mouth, it wasn’t to invite him somewhere more private. 

“Have we met before? You seem familiar for some reason.” 

The question surprised him, but he didn’t lose his cool, didn’t miss a beat. 

“I shouldn’t think so. You don’t seem like the sort one would have an easy time forgetting,” 

Her grin took on a sly tilt. “Careful. With talk like that one might start to think you’re getting me drunk with ulterior motives,” 

Internally, he sighed with relief, though he didn’t let it touch his face. Instead, he gave her a coy smile and picked up his wineglass for another sip. “Perish the thought! I would hate for you to think me so ungentlemanly,” 

He probably should have stopped after one of her cohorts killed Nabriales. It was no small feat to kill an Ascian, even a sundered soul like his. In fact, he hadn’t even thought the mortals capable of it. Somehow, though, that only made things more interesting. It added the tiniest hint of danger to his little game, and he found he enjoyed it all the more. He had little real cause to worry, of course. Nabriales had been the architect of his own demise.  

Even so, after the last round he had sworn to himself he wouldn’t do it again. 

And had known with unshakeable certainty that he would. 

She set her now empty wineglass on the bar. She had shifted to face him more fully, and he might have missed the way she leaned ever so slightly inward had he not been looking for it. 

“Would you like another glass?” 

She considered it for a moment, or at least pretended to. “Please.” 

“Of course,” He ordered another glass and waited until the barkeep’s errand had taken him safely out of earshot. 

“You know,” he said, surveying her as she had him earlier. “I don’t believe I’ve given you my name.” 

Her lips quirked in a way that he found for some reason endearing. “I don’t believe I’ve asked you for it,” 

He raised his eyebrows in amusement and opened his mouth to respond with some quip or other when he felt someone tap his shoulder. 

He turned in his seat, a bit irritated by the interruption, to see a young Midlander with brooding grey eyes. “May I have a word?”  

He had never seen the man before, but he would recognize his brother anywhere. 

Oh dear. 

How was he going to explain this little caper? He wondered. His previous justifications had barely convinced him, so they certainly wouldn’t convince the Emissary. 

Ah, well. He was sure he would think of something. 

He was, after all, Lahabrea: Speaker of the Convocation. 

Okay in all seriousness this is definitely the most off-the-wall ship I was sent this round. I don't think it would happen, and if it did it would be a total shit-show. It's not necessarily because Lahabrea's a villain - there are of compelling villains ships out there. It's because he's both a villain and not Rhiki's type. He's braggadocios, megalomaniacal, and patronizing (and if there's one connecting thread between all of my characters it's that none of them would up with being condescended to by A Man.) And, for what it's worth, there's not really anything for Lahabrea to like about Rhiki. As an Ascian he's never portrayed as having any interest in or sympathy for mortals. The most any hyur, miqo'te, elezen, etc. could ever aspire to be to Lahabrea is "useful." To be honest, he doesn't really even seem to have any affection for his fellow ascians, though I'm aware there's something of a canonical reason for that. ARR really struggled with creating compelling antagonists, so Lahabrea (and most of the other villains) are painted as just... cartoonishly evil. I'm sure that he's given a lot more pathos in the Pandaemonium raid series, but I haven't played it yet so I can't speak to how well the original Lahabrea would have gotten along with Rhiki/Rhiki's Azem. Really, if you cut out all of the enw backstory, the above is really the only angle I could really see having any legs (as slimy and terrible as those legs are.) In realizing that I didn't know what Lahabrea actually looked like, I also realized that Rhiki has no idea what the real Lahabrea looks like. When I went over all of the times the WoL actually encounters Lahabrea, it dawned on me that the only time Rhiki sees him without his mask... he's Thancred, which is where the idea came from. (TBF to both of them I don't think ARR Rhiki would have had sex with Thancred no matter how shitfaced she was lol. This is just for the sake of exploring the possibilities.) Whether or not Rhiki actually found out about Lahabrea's body-hopping shenanigans is up for debate. I don't necessarily see how she would unless he or Elidibus told her. Lahabrea doesn't seem like he would have any motivation or opportunity to tell her. Elidibus might, if only to make it harder for Lahabrea to do anything stupid that might jeopardize their mission in the future. Obviously, Rhiki would not be pleased to learn this. I don't think any relationship the two of them could have could possibly change the trajectory of the story. The relationship isn't necessarily... romantic in nature. And I doubt there's anything about Rhiki that would make Lahabrea fall so head over heels for her that he would abandon his plans to resurrect Zodiark, which inevitably involves her death. Rhiki has no feelings for Lahabrea (except maybe anger, if she ever found out) but even if she did, she doesn't really have the opportunity to spare his life, since it's Thordan VII that ultimately kills him. BUT this was still a very fun thought experiment! I still apologize for everything that's happened above this point in the post, though. ^^;

[karenskreations]

#2 - scary times

long time, no write.

i've recently made some big life decisions, in regards to my life as an artist. i've decided to do a course in illistration!

as i'm typing this, i just submitted my final form and paid my fees. it feels good. it feels healing. it feels scary.

some background:

since I was born, i've been a super artistic and creative person, really and truly. as a kid, that's what i wanted to do with my life: be an artist. that's what i spent all my time doing, that's when i was my happiest. however, i remember when i was about 8 or 9 telling someone in my life that that's what i wanted to do, and they replied with 'okay, but good luck being hungry for the rest of your life.' they then proceeded to tell me about how artists make no money and it's a stupid idea to think that i could make it my fulltime job.

and that that has subconsciously stuck with me to this day, at the ripe old age of 23.

I would still paint and draw and all in school and at home, but my relationship with it changed. a part of me felt bad for dedicating time to something that wouldn't be useful to me in the future. when i went to secondary school, i really wanted to do art for my junior cert (exams you do at 15 in ireland). my parents were hesitant to let me as an older cousin was in her final years of secondary school and was doing art as a subject and was making an art portfolio outside to apply to colleges with. I had to promise them it wouldn't interfere with my other subjects. and then basically had to have the same conversation, by more heated, when i wanted to do art for my leaving cert (final exams). they were unhappy about it, but allowed it. not because they didn't want me to go to art school or anything, but because they thought it would hinder my other subjects.

when it came to deciding what i wanted to do in college, i ended up choosing to do media and film, as in my head it was still something in the creative field, but seemed much more employable. i was still painting and drawing and making art on the side as a hobby. i really enjoyed my plc and degree, it was really interesting and helped me to grow a lot as a person.

about last year, i started thinking about how, while i really do adore film and the media industry, i just feel like my life will never be fully fulfilled, ya know? i did and still do have a great love for film and digital art and media, don't get me wrong. i went to germany on erasmus and it was extreme eye opening, and was the first time i was surrounded by like minded creatives. when i got home, i was really inspired by them all. i started thinking about maybe doing a course in art or illustration or graphic design or something after my degree, but i was undecided.

any other creative person will resonate with this on some degree. but i feel like i just have this compulsion within me to make stuff. to make art. while i really struggled mentally during lockdown and covid, it was one of the most creatively fulfilling times as when i wasn't doing lectures online or working, i was painting or knitting. for me, during final year, the year just gone, i really had to suppress that compulsion a lot, only letting it out to do assignments for college. i thought myself to crochet, which i still do. i think i took it up and also knitting as it was a form of creativity outside of college that didn't require a lot of setting up and i could bring it with me places easily. but i put down my paintbrushes and pencils and haven't really pick them back up since.

and now, how i came to decide to do illustration:

like i said, i was thinking about doing a course in art or something after my degree, but i kinda had decided that there was no point and i should just start working or whatever.

then, my nana passed away.

she was an artist, as a hobby, her whole life. she really encouraged me and my cousin, who is now a tattoo artist, to pursue art and creativity. it wasn't a sudden death, but still, a shock. i had put the thoughts of doing the courses in the back of my mind, until, an ad came up for me on instagram for one of the colleges that all the fees this year had been scrapped, and you only had to pay €40-€50 instead of €200-€300. insanity.

i looked into it. i decided to apply for one in graphic design. i felt like it was the safe option ya know, in a similar line to what i'd done in college, more employable blah blah blah. then, i found one in design and illustration. i just applied to it anyways just for the craic. i was still unsure, even after applying. i'm currently doing an internship and didn't want to apply if they were going to overlap. well, wouldn't you know that they both start the week after i finish my internship. the timing couldn't be more perfect.

that's defiantly nana breda looking down on me, telling me to just do it.

i got accepted outright into the graphic design one, but had to do a little interview for design and illustration. last week, i went to the interview, brought a few paintings and collages and pieces of work i've done with me to show. when i met jane, the woman who interviewed me, i instantly felt like i was standing in front of my old art teacher and my nana. i had my old art teacher in secondary school for the full 6 years, and she had a real positive effect on me. but that's for another time.

through the jigs and the reels, she really liked me, and my work. like my art teacher, she gave off a very honest aura and i felt like she was sincere in it. i mean, i could see her list of people she was to interview and had already crossed off 2 names, not giving them a place so. she said that i had a lot of talent and a lovely style, i just needed to train it and sharpen it up. she loved that i have the film and media background. she made me feel very welcome and like i had subconsciously made the right choice. i know i just applied to that one cause it was closer to me and somewhat similar, but i think a part of me deep down said that that's the one i should be doing.

i just had to make the decision. which do i want to do; the safe option or the passion option? something came over me, and I've decided to pursue the passion.

it feels scary but good. I cannot wait to start. spent some time drawing and painting again, just to get back into the swing of things x

[youhavenoideahowbadiwantthis]

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SOME HORROR MOVIES

I've been a fan of horror since I was probably.....11 or 12? I haven't always been desensitized to it, but I've enjoyed it my entire life. Monsters and ghosts and murder are all fair game. I love all of it. This isn't a new revelation, but any means, and I'm far from alone, but I feel I'm losing my ability to stomach some of it. My own childhood circumstances, as well as some other events that I've experienced very recently have made it difficult for me to deal with certain themes.

SPEAK NO EVIL

I watched this movie last night, hearing good things and realizing toward the middle that it wasn't for me.

A couple with a young child goes on vacation and meets a local family, also with a young child. The vacationing family falls for the generosity and courtesy of the local family and stays with them only to see multiple instances of weird disrespect as well as child abuse. Also, the local family's child has no tongue.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

The local family kills vacationing couples and takes their children, cutting out their tongues and "adopting" them until the next one comes, then they kill that child and begin the cycle anew.

They graphically show the child getting her tongue get clipped for an unnecessarily long time. Then they take her away for the rest of the movie, make the couple strip naked and stone them to death in a ditch after telling them that this was happening because the vacationing couple "let it happen."

This movie is cruel. The overarching themes of social niceties, communication and presumption of intent, are present. The ability to respect your own interests and maintain autonomy while respectfully dissenting from someone else, is something that should be emphasized more when raising children so they are able to spot predation and know when to ask for help.

The tongue scene and the deaths at the end, as well as the fate of the child are all brutal and not my style.

A SERBIAN FILM

This will not break new ground and is far from an original opinion.

I'm not spoiling anything. If you like horror and have an internet connection, you know what it is.

The last third of the movie is tasteless as all get out. The themes don't translate to me as someone not involved in the culture that this movie apparently metaphorically represents.

The violence toward children is sickening and the deaths at the end along with the scene following the death are beyond filth.

RESURRECTION

Let me clarify before getting into the weeds: I love this movie.

Incredibly acted, incredibly convincing, incredibly sickening content. I will also preface this "review" by saying that this movie is heavily spoken word with little graphic content, and honestly the graphic content was the least of my concerns.

The movie centers on a single mother who's past abusive lover reappears in her life to mentally and emotionally torture her.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

She reveals that when she was with him he'd gaslight her and force her to do strange tasks because they "inspired" him like a muse. She'd gotten pregnant and given birth and he hated the child. She left to go to the store, came back and found a couple of severed baby fingers and he said he'd eaten the baby.

When he reappears in her life he continues to tell her that he hears the baby calling for her in his stomach and drives her insane. Eventually she cuts open his gut and may or may not find a living child inside his gut.

The gaslighting, the death of a child, the inability to properly handle grief and to have another not allow you to process it are all staggering. This movie, again, is incredible, but if you're having....regrets....don't watch it just yet.

I am more emotionally mature now than when I started ingesting horror. I am more capable of not only accepting the things that I've been exposed to through my life, but also able to contextualize what has happened and realize that those things have shaped aspects of my psyche and my personality that I'm still attempting to reign in on a daily basis through active thought and pharmaceutical assistance.

I was abused in multiple ways as a child by multiple people. I wish I had the understanding of bodily autonomy and self-respect that I have now. Instead, I'm an adult with major intimacy issues who both hates physical touch and also craves it constantly.

As a parent, I hope my child never suffers the same issues that I faced inside or outside the house. I think I've done alright so far. But I have to be consistent and patient and kind. The hill isn't getting less steep but I can't lose traction.

The novelty of r/kidsarefuckingstupid is foul. Children make mistakes. They're selfish. They're rude. Teach them. Be to them what you want them to be to others. Watching a child in danger or getting hurt or failing should make you sad. One day, that child is going to be old enough to make impactful decisions, and if they don't receive the guidance and respect they deserve as children, how are they going to know how to act thoughtfully as adults.

Sorry for the tangent. I love you.

Thank you for listening, though I'm not sure why you would.

[thothxv]

See, I have a theory. Okay, I have two theories. Which are based on very little. Okay, they're more like hunches.

The first hunch is that the tumblr demographic skews (relatively) young, which means that for many, Final Fantasy VII probably wasn't Their Final Fantasy. I'm not sure this holds water though. FF7R is getting fairly universal buzz, and FF7 has been widely available on every platform Sqeenix could fit it onto for a long time.

Doesn't explain Noct, as FFXV seems to be rather popular around here, but Noct's poll was also tighter, and I have a guess about why. I think for a lot of younger people on Tumblr, FFXV was Their Final Fantasy. And the window of people for whom that is true is wider than you might think. Final Fantasy XV was the first mainline Final Fantasy game in seven years, because Squeenix put out a series of FFXIII spinoffs instead of making a new FF. In fact the game that became FFXV was supposed to be one of them. And FFXIII wasn't the most popular FF game from the start: while it still reviewed very, very well, it was the first game in a decade to have a metacritic score of less than 90% (yes metacritic is not a good way of measuring quality, it is an average of fundamentally incomparable values, and review scores are nonsense anyways to the point that most reputable sites no longer use them. However, it's a decent way to get a broad-scale sense of the opinions of critics in the Year of our Lord 2009, when they hadn't been quite so discredited). And XIII and especially its sequels had rapidly declining sales figures, made worse by the fact that XIII itself sold worse than FFXII in the opening weeks (I think? FFXII didn't have a unified release, but I am doing my best to make the numbers comparable), despite being a banner release for a brand new console showing off Squeenix's graphical prowess. There was talk of FF being cancelled if FFXV didn't sell well enough. FFXV proceeded to sell very well indeed, which is why I think that it became The Final Fantasy for more younger people.

I would also like to take a minute to say that I am not saying Final Fantasy XIII nearly killed the franchise, nor am I saying it's a garbage game or anything. I honestly haven't played it yet, so I can't comment on quality, but I know there are plenty of people who played it and enjoy it. If I had to guess, I think the slump in both sales and review scores came from a combination of the game's design itself being very divisive (with a confusing story and lore, complaints that it felt like it was too on-rails, and continued experimentation with the combat system that was profoundly love it or hate it being the most cited reasons), but also from FFXII alienating some fans by beginning the more radical combat system experimentation (again, very love it or hate it), broader changing industry trends and Japan's troubled transition to HD development (common wisdom in 2009 was that the west was going to own gaming, and Japanese developers needed to westernize or their games would cease to sell internationally and they would be left behind—no, really, I swear this was a thing), combined with a heightening of existing anti-Japanese sentiment among gamers, critics, and developers now that western developers dominating gaming in a way that they hadn't since 1983, and general critical positivity towards JRPGs and JRPG conventions falling off (Penny Arcade had done an excellent strip about that three years prior)—although Final Fantasy has never been unwilling to throw convention out the window. This was the era of Phil Fish saying Japanese games were garbage, and Bioware founder Greg Zeschuk saying JRPGs were largely failing to innovate (with Demon's Souls getting called out as an exception). Which is really fucking funny, because Dragon Age was Bioware's banner release that year and its combat system was explicitly inspired by Final Fantasy XII. The point is, Final Fantasy XV's critical reception, muted though it was, was actually a reversal of years of much, much worse reception and building hostility and mockery towards the very idea of a JRPG (to the point that Yoshi P said he didn't like the term in an interview about FFXVI because it felt like it denigrated the game).

Also, salty Cloud fans were putting in anti-G'raha protest votes.

My other theory is much simpler: Tumblr has awful, awful discoverability. It's kind of famous for that. The way you find posts on Tumblr is by seeing your mutuals reblog them. Therefore, the winner of a poll on tumblr is as much a function of activism as it is of popularity. I reckon FFXIV fans are almost by definition hardcore fans, because it's such a massive time investment. Like Homestuck, if you didn't get really into it you probably gave up and dropped it. And this compounds because we know we are the underdogs. If you, as an FFVII fan, see Cloud facing off against some random catboy from an MMO, you have very little motivation to share the poll around. If you ask a random person who the most fuckable man in final fantasy is they will probably answer "Cloud I guess?" or maybe "Uh... Sephiroth?" and then they will look at you very strangely. Cloud has been outrageously popular for decades. He is the default choice.

If you're an XIV fan and you see G'raha going against Cloud, well, you have to share the poll, don't you? Assuming you want G'raha to win, at least. Because you know Cloud is the expected winner. You know he's the default winner. Your Blorbo is now david fighting goliath, and you want every edge you can get.

I think part of the reason FFXIV is winning so much is that we're hungrier for it.

Also, look at Emet-Selch's loss. He lost to Snow. both are controversial characters from (as stated above) somewhat underdog entries in the franchise. Both have people who like them but know a lot of other people hate them, and there were a lot of anti-Emet and anti-Snow protest votes.

I know, I know, I keep talking about that damn tournament, but in addition to all the weirdness with the G'raha tournament:

Urianger is beating Sephiroth for the moment (Doubt it'll last)

Haurchefant is just over a percent behind Zack (It also isn't gonna last and go back to 40% soon)

Seriously, how is all this going on? Like, seriously...

There is no way G'raha should have even gotten half the votes of Cloud, let alone win in a 18% lead. He (rightfully) struggled to beat Noct (And the %s should have been the other way around *at best*), and the fact he's become the heel in this tournament means he should have been smote by Biggs immediately with everyone ready.

Urianger has had a relatively mid-tier bracket that let him safely coast into the Sweet Sixteen, but should be dominated by Sephiroth, the posterboy of baddies in the FF franchise.

Haurchefant's first round against a friendly fandom fav was fun and Laguna was a worthy though still defeatable opponent and should be heavily smote by Zack, who is basically almost as popular as Cloud in 7 fandom (And general FF fandom) to my knowledge.

So why are two winning and one is actually managing a tight race? I know XIV fandom is big, but while it respects other FFs, there's only moderate overlap, at best and it shouldn't be getting that much attention.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Only One

Ateez CEO!Choi San x Reader Summary: Growing up, San was the outcast, the nerd. You were the only one that believed in him. He wants nothing more than to show you the love you showed him. Word Count: 7k+ Warnings: CEO AU, another brief ateez pairing, fem!reader, high school bullies, graphic depictions of bullying, nerd troupe, failed relationships, stalker vibes, creepy man vibes, angst, fluff, typos, etc.

A/N: Gif not mine i found it on pinterest and screamed he looks so good. also obviously this is a work of fiction and does not reflect anyone irl.

ALSO WHY CANT I WRITE SHORT FICS ANYMORE SOD:ASFDJdfnlkasdfpoeon

It's 12 am. I hope i dont have that many typos. I'll fix it in the morning. i hope yallz enjoy and spontaneously combust because I feel like I am

Listen to Only One by Yellow Card

It's unbelievable how quickly someone's mood, mentality, and expression can change so quickly with one single image.

Sometimes a smell can take you somewhere you haven't been in so long, and a sound can make you remember things you didn't know was still inside your mind.

For San, it was the sight of a face he hadn't seen for years that made him freeze and uncoil all the tension he hadn't realized was coiled up in his shoulders.

He had forgotten how infuriated he was literally seconds ago with the information he got from a call. How annoyed he was that he had to get the suit he was wearing tailored because it didn't fit him well. How ansty he was because of his deal that would keep opening up no matter how many times he tried to seal it in.

For a moment, he was utterly speechless that in the ground floor of his 50 floored building, in the café, working at the counter, smiling with sunshine against a face he had only dreamed about, was you.

And for the first time in nine years, San was back in high school, feeling like a fish out of water.

It all started when you came running into the vacant classroom he had been doing homework in. He was pretty shocked by the sudden ruckus and watched as you frantically ran to the side of the room, behind a bookshelf, beside a sliding window. It's not that you weren't allowed in the room, it's just that normally, no one hung around this room in particular during this time. He watched as you cradled what appeared to be a orange cat and gave him a look. You were clearly distressed as you placed a finger over your lips.

San was too stunned to do anything but look at you.

He began to understand why you appeared this way when suddenly a teacher holding a stick and stern face walked into the room. He knew him; he was his PE teacher.

"Ah, Choi San," he says, knit brows not relaxing at all, "did a girl run in here holding a cat?" He proceed to angrily spit out what was clearly your name and says, "I caught her feeding this feral cat. I had her put it in a cage so I could take it to the pound, but the next thing I knew, the cat was gone. I saw her walking away so I called out to her."

San tilted his face and scratched his hair, as to give you a sneaky look. You shook your head at him, begging for his silence.

His teacher continued, "The next thing I knew was I was walking over to her, she started running, and then I started running."

San turned back to his teacher and saw how disrespected he looked. He was infamous for making his students run laps around the field if they did something he didn't approve off. San even heard sometimes he used his stick against them.

So, San began to motion that you open the window and run out. He had done it in a way that looked like he was stretching though. He was relieved you caught on.

"I'm not sure, sir," San replied, mid stretching, "I don't know who she is."

This wasn't a lie.

You were able to open the window at this point.

His PE teacher looked extremely suspicious. He crossed his arms and gave San a look, "really?" He said that in a manner that was completely unconvinced. "I saw her run into this room."

San begins to get nervous, but he couldn't back out now, lest he be running the laps with you. He shakes his head as he prays you manage to jump out the window quick enough and run away. It wasn't like you were on the second floor or anything. In fact you were near the school entrance and could quickly make a run for it.

San gives a dumb look, which might have actually been too dumb, now that he thinks of it, then plays it off by acting scared, "sir, I think you might have seen a ghost or something."

You had one foot out of the window at this point. San's heart was beating against his chest. His PE teacher looked absolutely livid, "no, you brat, I'm sure I saw her come in here!"

San suddenly got the inkling he might go around the room and search for you, so the next thing he does is shoot up his seat and raise his hand, "I really didn't see anyone. If you want, I can help you look around."

His teacher glares at him.

San makes a move near you, just so he can pretend he's going to look under the teacher's table. He then moves past you and goes to the classroom's cabinet where all the cleaning supplies were stored. He quickly opens it and closes it, turning around, seeing that you were nearly out of the room.

He gives a look around and shrugs, "Maybe she went in the other room, sir."

Literally the moment his teacher decides to walk forward was the moment you managed to get out and run away.

"What was that sound?" his teacher demands.

San shakes his head and moved towards his teacher who was looking out the open window, "there are some people playing outside."

"Was this window open the whole time?" his teacher turns to San.

He nods, "I opened it."

"Why?"

"... I... farted."

His teacher freezes then sighs, "well, you should have closed it after a few minutes."

He nods his head, "yes, sir, sorry."

It was that moment, San became your person without him knowing it, because the next time he would see the cat thief, it was literally the next day.

San had been running away himself, but not from a teacher, but from Jung Yunho that always made him his personal ATM, activated by uppercuts.

"I can run faster than you, Choi," Yunho pointed, pissed that San kept backing away from him, as not to get another black eye and scraped shins.

San hands were gripping on his backpack for dear life as he walked away, scared for his life, "Yunho, please, I swear I don't have money."

Yunho chuckles dryly, "what kind of parents don't send their kids money?"

"They forgot," San lies.

Yunho doesn't believe him, but still he clicks his tongue, "how sad. Your parents left you and worked abroad because they don't love you."

San makes the mistake and topples when he unknowingly steps on a rock he didn't know was behind his feet. He doesn't fall over, but it was the perfect moment for Yunho to charge towards him.

It was in his fear that he finally does fall, as San tries to run back and away from his oppressor.

But in a twist of fate, Yunho gets thrown down by a backpack to is face. Someone then comes running towards them in a fit of rage, "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, YUNHO?"

Yunho, who was defeated by a bag full of books, angrily looks back at the one who threw it.

You were honestly much scarier looking than Yunho right now.

"What the hell is your problem?" Yunho fights back, quickly standing up.

San's heart was beating in his chest. You two seemed to know each other, and yet you didn't seem scared of him, which was absolutely mortifying. You could easily get beat by Yunho. You weren't nearly as tall as him, and yet you looked unafraid, "you're messing with my friend, that's my problem?"

Yunho laughs, "this thing?" He turns to San, who still hadn't gotten off the ground and makes a disgusted look, "the skinny pimply face, glasses, and braces kids with no parents?"

"Shut up!" you scream, pointing a finger at him.

Yunho swats it away, enraged.

"What?" you challenge, "are you going to beat me up too? Go ahead, so I have evidence to show the principal and get you expelled so bad no school will ever accept you."

Yunho bursts out into a fit of loud curses that terrifies San and makes you jolt, though you hide it.

Yunho turns to San and spits near him, "stay the fuck out of my sight or I'll kill you next time."

With that, Yunho walks away and you're running towards him.

You look at him with genuine concern and help him up, "are you okay?"

San is unable to reply.

You give him a pitiful expression and run to pick up your bag. You open it on your way back towards him and curse under your breath. You give him a sorry look as you pull out a box that had icing spilling out of the sides, "I'm so sorry. This was supposed to be for you."

San is frozen still.

You release a breath then look at him once over. You shoot out a hand that then pats him down, brushing away the sand that got on him. He winces at this, not expecting it, as you also unknowingly hit some old bruises.

You profusely apologize, "sorry, sorry." You drop your bag, looking at the smushed thing in your hand, "I had gotten you a chocolate cake for not ratting me out yesterday. I looked for you the entire day, but no one seemed to know which class you were in."

He doesn't reply.

You begin to think he can't talk, and would have believed it had you forgotten how well he talked for you yesterday.

"It's okay," San says softly.

He begins to feel extremely conscious by how intently you were looking at him.

"... I don't eat sweets... they're bad for my skin."

"That's not true! Sweets don't--" but you cut yourself off, "well, I mean... I guess if you don't like sweets then I should just get you something else."

San finally looks at you properly for the first time as you introduce yourself to him.

He thinks of this very moment as you greet him and ask him what his order was. San was no longer skinny, or pimply, or wearing glasses, or braces like in that moment, and yet he felt like the same kid on that day, finding it hard to think of words to say.

San was blown away by how it seemed you had gotten even prettier throughout the years, though you had gained some weight, had different hair, and clearly looked more mature.

He looks at your nametag, seeing the neatly printed letters that clearly identify that you are, in fact, you. And yet he wonders if you are a ghost, like how he had lied about all those years ago.

San says your name, half expecting you not to answer or for someone to ask him why he was saying that name when there was no one around.

But then you smile at him and his breath hitches.

"Yes, that's my name," you confirm.

San is dumbfounded, and left feeling as though someone shoved a sock in his mouth.

You look at him inquisitively, flashing another smile. As if reading one of his thoughts that were running through his mind, you tell him, "I just started working here this week."

He felt like dropping dead on the spot because of your smile. Your face felt like home.

San was absolutely winded. His entire body was tingling, and yet he couldn't do anything but stare.

You awkwardly stared back, unsure of what to do.

After a moment too long, you decided to speak up, "would you like to try out our special drink of the week?"

San acts as though he doesn't hear that and uncharacteristically ask, "how have you been?"

You furrow your brows at this, "pardon?"

San begins to panic. Did he ask anything wrong?

He opens his mouth and says softer, "how... have you been?"

You tilt your head, trying to distinguish his question, "how has my day been?" You nod, "pretty good. Thank you for asking, sir."

Sir... why would you... well, you were working at the moment.

"You don't have to call me sir," San says.

You look at him, as if he had asked the impossible, then you break into a chuckle, "I don't think that would be very appropriate." You divert the conversation, "so, would that be the special? Or something else?"

"Yes."

"... yes, what? To the special?"

"Yes."

You give a quick nod then punch in the order, "alright, so our special is a chocolate hazelnut frappe. Does that sound good to you?"

San nods, eyes never leaving you.

You let out a breath and clear your throat. You turn back to him and smile, "That would be-"

"What time-"

The two of you speak at once. San is utterly embarrassed and raises his hand towards you, so that you can continue.

You repeat, "That would be 4,100 won, sir."

San hands you his card and asks as you take it, "what time do you get off work?"

You look at him then turn back to your task at hand, "We close at 8pm, sir."

"I know that," he nods, "but when do you get off work?"

"With all due respect, I don't feel comfortable disclosing that with you, sir."

In that moment, San feels his entire world crumble. He comes to realize a plethora of things, that you didn't feel comfortable with him, that you saw him only as a customer, and what stung the most, you had absolutely no idea as to whom he was.

San lets out a muted sound, as though he as sucker punched.

You turn back to him and hand him his card.

He was in his office at this point, as he stirred the frappe that tasted horrendous to him when he recalled his café encounter, over and over and over again.

He then found himself thinking about the time Yunho caught him on his way back home and beat him with cruel words, making him grow paranoid that the only reason you were his friend was because you felt sorry for him.

He had exploded on you in the middle of a perfectly mundane conversation you had, demanding answers as to why you wanted to be around him in the first place.

San spun around his office chair as he recalled the guilty expression you held. He felt absolutely pathetic up until you spoke and said, "I don't have any friends."

San couldn't believe those words came out of your mouth when you were regularly the center of attention everywhere you went, with him witnessing a crowd flock around you whenever he'd walk up to your class.

"All my friends are my brother's. My brother is my real best friend. But since he, and his friends all graduated, miraculously," you chuckled, "I'm left with no one."

Again, San couldn't understand why that was your truth when you were the epitome of popular. There was absolutely no flaw in your being. You were bright, smart, kind, and beautiful. How could you have no friends?

You explained it was because most of the kids in your grade liked to party, and you weren't fond of that. "I tried," you explained but then scrunched up your nose in distaste, "but I just don't like it."

San began to fall into a pit of you memories and it made his heart clench and his head heavy.

He replayed the very moment that changed his life and quite literally motivated him to be the same man he was in his office chair, in his office, in his building, in his company.

It had been raining all day that day, which was why you had stayed longer than normal in school. It was just you and him at the library. You were both sitting by the corners of a table.

You were finishing some homework and found yourself talking about your dreams in the future. You asked him what he wanted to do, and he told you the wishful answer he had, that made him fade into embarrassment.

You gave him a pout and shook your head, "that's not stupid at all."

San knit his brows deeply, turning away and shaking his head, "you're just saying that."

"No, I'm not. In fact I actually believe you will become a successful entrepreneur when you're older."

San was so confused by the false confidence you held in him. His heart quickens when you place a hand on his shoulder, "you're incredibly creative, smart, and hard working. I'm convinced you could be the president, if you wanted to be."

He lets out a laugh, "no one would vote for someone with a face like this."

"I would," you say surely.

San looks at you in this moment. He remembers the way you smiled so vividly. The words you spoke changed his life, "you have the face of a king."

"... do you really believe that?"

"I do."

San sighs as this moment runs like a vintage motion picture in his mind.

He then began to recall how you two at the very last day of high school had promised to see each other again after ten years. He promised you by then, he would be a successful CEO and you would be proud.

You said you would be proud of him either way.

He thought of this day all the time, twice as more whenever he felt like giving up and succumbing to what was consuming him at that moment. But whenever he thought of you, he shook his head and convinced himself he had to do better, because he wanted to have something to show for after 10 years.

He chuckles bitterly to himself, thinking how ironic it was.

He was indeed successful, and yet you didn't even recognize him. It suddenly felt like it was all for nothing. He felt like disappearing into the wind.

He was extremely disheartened as he drove home that night.

San internally agreed, why would you remember him? He was nothing special in your eyes anyway. You never got to notice how he thoughtfully planned what he wanted he gave you on your birthdays, on each Christmas or Valentines, on the year end parties, nor your graduation. You never thought twice of how he looked and acted around you, even if, in his head, he had been so loud about his feelings.

Why would you when you had your heart set on Park Seonghwa, who was a year older and was the star of the football team in the school not to far from the school you two were going to.

San knew the reason why you liked eating at the ramen shop across the neighborhood was because the neighborhood crush, Seonghwa, worked there part time.

And yet every time you asked him to go there, he would suck it up and agree, since, at least, you wanted his company.

He always thought you'd end up together, especially since you had asked him to go to the school dance with you and he had agreed. This was all he thought about as he drove.

San begins to imagine the dates you might have taken when you were in college.

With his hands on the steering wheel, he begins to paint the hypothetical love life you would have had. He thinks of Seonghwa being the one you would tell your day about, have ice cream dates, buy scarves with, buy snacks with...

San grips the wheel until his knuckles whiten.

He feels utterly defeated.

But then he finds your walking figure on the side walk. He slams on the breaks, causing a loud screeching sound to pierce the ears of everyone in the vicinity. It was extremely dangerous. He was lucky that no one was driving behind him.

You whip your head over to him San's car, not knowing it was him, clearly, then turn back, walking faster.

San pulls up to you and lowers his window. By the time he calls your name and asks if you want a ride home, he realize how absolutely creepy that must have sounded in your ears, especially since you feigned no recognition of him.

His heart feels like it was crushed when you offered a smile at him and declined him.

He couldn't sleep properly that night for multiple reasons.

For the next couple days, San went to the café and ordered whatever was the recommended drink for that week.

Each day, he tried making small talk with you, more and more up until he found it in himself to explain to you that he was that nerd, Choi San, who's high school life, which sequentially became his whole life, you changed for the better.

But everyday that he saw you, it didn't feel it was any easier to speak. He would just find himself tongue tied and light headed. It was so mind blowing to him how strong the butterfly sensation in his stomach was every time he saw you.

He would stand in front of the counter, you would greet him, ask his order, he'd smile back and manage to at least ask how your day is, then that would be it.

"Mr. Choi?" a voice snapped him out of his trance.

San turned to his secretary, Wooyoung. He cleared his throat and nodded, "what did you say?"

Wooyoung sighs and adjusts his glasses, "sir, I'm concerned about you."

San looks at him and clenches his jaw, "why?"

Wooyoung shakes his head, "you like the girl that works in the café, don't you?"

San straightens himself up and clears his throat for the second time.

"Why don't you just ask her out?" he asks.

San wants to scream, tell him it's not that easy.

"I honestly have never seen you like this before, sir," Wooyoung admits, "it's honestly kind of scary."

San shakes his head, "never mind that. Let's get back to work."

He, in fact, could not get back to work. Not in any way that mattered in his head anyway.

So he decided, though he already saw you that morning when he ordered a Choco Mocha Drizzle with Caramel, which he had only given to Wooyoung, since he thought it tasted too weird, he would go to you right now and finally tell you, without thinking, just spill absolutely everything that had been bothering him, and get it over with.

So, he finished his meeting, told Wooyoung, whose sigh he had missed, he was going to go home early, then headed for the café downstairs.

The thing was, when he went into the café, you weren't there anymore. San found through another female employee that was eager to converse with him that there was a new schedule rotation.

You could imagine his surprise when he went to a restaurant and saw you there.

It was too much of a coincidence for him to think that it wasn't fate.

And for the first time in what feels like forever, San gathers his sense and walks up to you.

"Excuse me," San speaks, calling your attention.

You were mid-eating when you turn to him. Your eyes widen at the sight of him.

San begins to panic. He raises his hands, shaking them, "I know this is so weird, but I promise on my life that I'm not following you. I really just like the food here."

You look at him and swallow the food in your mouth.

"The truth is," he says, releasing a breath, "I'm Choi San. The guy you used to be friends with in high school? I know you don't remember me but I promise I'm not crazy and I can show you proof that you and I used to be f--"

You jolt out of your chair and cover you mouth, eyes blown wide, "Sannie?"

San is bewildered by the nickname, because he never thought he'd ever be called that name by you ever again.

"Is that really you?" you exclaim in disbelief.

"Yeah- I, you probably don't remember," San opens his mouth and begins to stutter, "I mean you- you haven't recognized me after all this time." He fumbles then digs into his pocket to pull his wallet out, "But I have- I have proof, I-I-- still have the picture we took on our field trip to the farm- with the cows- and the poop- and-"

He drops his wallet because you suddenly pull him into a hug.

It was truly a 180. And yet again, he was too stunned to anything.

The next thing he knows, you're sharing a table with him, explaining how absolutely creeped out you were by him, but then there was something about him that reminded you about something.

San is utterly embarrassed and profusely apologizes for his behavior, explaining how he was simply so astonished to see you and so nervous since he hadn't spoken to you in years.

"You look so good, San," you compliment.

San disagrees, "my skin just cleared and I gained some weight, is all."

"No, no," you raise your hands, "you carry yourself so differently now. You're so confident and cool. That's why I couldn't recognize you." You break into a smile, "you grew so much as a person. I'm so proud of you."

His heart swells and skips a beat.

"I knew there was something about you," you say, "but then you started acting a little creepy and it was kind of hard to see past that."

"I-I- sorry."

"No," you break into a laugh, "it makes sense now."

San shakes his head, "you're as kind as ever."

"Nah," you chuckle, "I can be pretty mean."

San steals a glance at you, finding it hard to keep eye contact, "No, you- you're just as amazing as you were before, in fact, prettier."

San doesn't have the time to notice the blush on your face because he continues, "And I may look different, but I still feel like I'm a kid in high school when I'm around you."

You chuckle, "well, I had been thinking about how I would meet this high school kid next year when I had absolutely no means of contact with him."

San's eyes brighten, "wait, you remember that?"

"The promise we made each other?" you asked, "how could I forget? I had been anticipating your success long before even you had."

"I-"

"But then of course, I kind of feel weird that you're seeing me as a waitress."

San immediately shakes his head, "no, never ever feel bad around me."

You chuckle as he continues, "you're literally the reason why I got to this point, so please."

You chuckle and roll you eyes, sarcastically agreeing.

The next thing he knows, he's caught you up with everything he's done and feels like he could fly with the gleam you had in your eye while he said it.

"Are you married?" you ask, nonchalant, but it nearly makes him choke.

You offer him water as he coughs. San downs a few sips then shakes his head, "absolutely not."

You raise a brow, "why not? You're literally every woman's wet dream."

San is flabbergasted. He releases a nervous chuckle and pulls on his collar. You are thoroughly amused by his reaction, "I'm joking, Sannie."

As much as he liked being called that name by you, he still is unable to compose himself. It's because of this, he suddenly blurts, "what about you?"

You hum, questioningly.

San finds himself asking you what had been bothering him for a while, "did you and Seonghwa ever end up together?"

You turn to him and chuckle, "was that such an obvious thing to happen?"

San looks at you, in denial of what that meant.

You smile, "yeah, he and I went out."

"Went out?"

You sigh and nod, "yes, as in, we're no longer together. Not for a while now."

San holds back a pleased expression.

He doesn't remain very pleased when he gets invited to your home and finds you had a very dramatic remnant of your past relationship: a daughter, that very clearly resembled her father.

San, yet again, was stunned.

You called to the tiny girl in a blue Frozen dress and she came running to her beloved mother the way small babies did. The baby sitter you hired for the day went on her way and walked passed the stunned San on her way out. You crouched down and pulled the little girl into your arms then gave her a kiss. With a smile on your face, you turned to San, back to your daughter, "Baby, this is mama's friend, uncle San. Would you like to say hello to him?"

Your daughter nods quickly then waddles to San, surprising him how quickly you reached to his legs. The girl wraps her arms around him and smiles, speaking the way that babies do, "hello!"

San opens his mouth, he feels like he's melting internally. San raises his hand, "hello baby girl."

The girl giggles then raises her hands up at him, opening and closing her hands. San turns to you for guidance, but you only shrug and mimic the giggle your daughter gave, "it looks like our darling wants to be carried."

San turns back to the expectant child.

He sucks in a breath then bends down, reaching out to the baby. For some reason, he expected the little lady to be much, much heavier than she actually is. But then again, he was holding literal life in his arms, and even if it wasn't heavy, it will always be a great weight.

From then on, San had you back in his life, and he had never been more pleased. As it turns out, you had finished journalism in college, but after working in a big company, you realized how toxic the environment was and how badly it was affecting your mental state, so you left. You decided to pursue something you had always wanted and attempted to start your own bakery.

The only thing was, you couldn't afford a place for a physical bakery at the moment, and only sold orders online.

On this particular day, San was helping you take care of daughter while you wrap up some orders. You were sprawled on the floor, fixing your orders on the coffee table in front of the couch San was sat on.

San turns to the tray of cookies as he bounces the baby on his lap, "hey, could I try one?"

You turn to him while you wrap a box with ribbon. You smile and nod, "yeah. Actually, I was supposed to box those up for you."

"Really?" San asks.

You nod again, "of course. You're helping me take care of my sweetheart. It's literally the least I could do."

San moves the girl off to his side and grabs a cookie, shoving it into his mouth fully, making you chuckle at him.

The flavours were amazing and it takes him by surprise.

"Wah!" San exclaims with a mouthful.

You smile back at him, "is it good?"

San stands from your couch, "good?! It's amazing. It's not overly sweet and it's soft yet chewy, I love it."

"Aw," you place a hand on your chest, "thank you."

You didn't get to wrap him a box of cookies, since there were no cookies left to wrap.

Once you were done with everything, you walked San to your door, with your daughter in your arms. You took your baby's hand and waved it at San, "bye uncle San."

San coos at the girl, now fully comfortable around her, "bye-bye, baby."

She giggles. You smile fondly at San's loving expression towards your child, "Thank you again for helping me, San."

"No problem," San says.

As he steps out of your apartment, he calls in the hallway, "I left my payment for the cookies you made me on your kitchen counter."

His words don't immediately register in your head, "wait what?"

"BYE BYE BABIES!" he calls, hurriedly going down the fire exit.

When you realize he left a payment for your cookies, you call out for him loudly and try to run after him, but it was too late, he was gone.

It was only natural you gave him a lot of lip when you met up with him the next time you could.

It only happened San kept running away from you and when you managed place the money into his coat pocket, he threw the money out and ran away yet again.

"YA!" you screamed, hurriedly running after him. This angered you greatly, since you didn't appreciate his newfound nonchalance for money, and the fact he was making you run after your shift. He knew well you had to pick up your daughter from daycare today, so the fact he was tiring you was absolutely unacceptable.

You scowled at him and barked, "Choi San, just because you're rich doesn't mean you can do this to money."

San, who as a few feet away from you, turns back and shakes his head, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you not let me pay for the cookies."

"But it was a gift, you idiot, for helping me."

San lets you walk up to him, "yeah and as much as I adore you for your kindness, I don't want to be one of the reasons you go bankrupt."

You scoff, raising a brow, "I'll have you know, Mr. CEO, that in a few years, I could well be richer than you."

San breaks into a wide smile and stomps his feet, "EXACTLY!" The action surprises you and causes you to clutch your chest. He then grabs your hand and excitedly tells you, "now keep that money in your pocket because I have something to show you."

And what he shows you is a cute little spot near your house that seemed to be under renovation. You had absolute no idea why he was showing you, but you don't mind, since he looks so proud of the place.

San, hand still in yours, pulls you in and smiles widely.

You get nervous though, "are you sure we're supposed to be in here?"

San purses his lips into a smile and nods, "don't worry." He lets go of your hand, only to go around and point at things and open doors, "what do you think of the place?"

You nod, gathering it may be a place he bought, since he was absolutely loaded, after all, "it's nice." You look around, "it could use some plants but then again, it's clearly not done anyway."

San stops and place his hands in his pockets, "then add as many plants as you want."

"What?"

He pulls out a key and dangles it up in front of you with a wide smile still plastered on his face, "because it's your new bake shop!"

"What?!" you ask, stomach dropping.

He grabs your hand and places the key in it. You try to break free from him, but he uses his strength against you.

"San, quit being ridiculous!"

San chuckles, "I'm not being ridiculous at all."

In your struggle, you wind up being trapped in his arms. You attempt to fight him back, but he made it clear he was so much stronger than you, which was honestly so pointless of him. You sigh and eventually you tire, finding yourself simply enjoying his embrace, although at the back of your head, you were so anxious by what he had just told you. You were about to explain to him how unreasonable what he was doing was, but the opportunity never came because of San's monologue.

"You have no idea how miniscule this act is compared to how much you helped me in high school," San starts.

"San-"

"No, please..." San mutters softly. "I truly, truly mean it when I say that had I not met you, I wouldn't have ever gotten to this point in my life. I would have never thought I was good at anything, and I certainly would have never taken risks and brought myself to have confidence in me."

"... that's not true."

San chuckles, "that's the only fact I have that I know for certain is true."

When you pull away, San feels his heart shatter at the sight of your misty eyes. His lips pull into a frown when tears run down your cheeks. He knits his brows, "hey, it's alright. Please, just let me do this for you, okay? I promise it'll all be okay."

He wipes your tears and whispers, "I'll take care of you now, the way you took care of me then."

Your breath hitches. You jump back into his arms and crush him against you, "thank you."

San nods his head, "thank you."

San never doubted a second that you would have a great start, but even he was astonished by the overwhelming amount of customers you had from the get-go.

You obviously quit your job and worked at your bakery full time. And though you had two other employees, you seriously began to think of hiring one more because of how good and busy your business was going.

San felt absolutely wonderful seeing you succeed.

It was like all the pieces were falling into place.

But then it came crashing down.

San couldn't believe what he was hearing you admit to him.

You had gotten your mother to take care of your daughter this night and surprised San to a dinner at the restaurant you had met each other by chance. One too many drinks were drunk, all on your end, and you suddenly admitted how-

"I so too had a crush on you, Choi San! Why did you think I always asked you to go to that ramen house?"

No, no, no... you liked going there because of Seonghwa! Not him...

"And then I wanted to ask you to the school dance, but you said it was stupid, so I tried asking if you would ever change your mind about it-"

No, no, no!

"But you kept going on about how much you hated the idea of the dance, I figured I would just be stupid if I still asked you if you wanted to go."

NO! He only said it was stupid because he didn't have the guts to ask you out and stayed adamant because of the stupid initial slip up he had!

You sigh, giving him a drunken smile, "I wonder what would have happened if I ended up with you instead of that Park Seonghwa."

San feels like an ass. You were definitely not alone on that boat.

You hiccup, "but then again, I wouldn't have my perfect baby girl if he hadn't gotten me pregnant."

San turned to his empty shot glass. A terrible, awful, horrendous thought popped up in his head. He thinks, had he not been so dismissive of your advances he blinded himself to, and was he not so stuck on idea you could have never liked him back, then maybe... maybe he could have been the little angel's father.

San feels like he could throw up. His throat tightens. His stomach growls at him in protest.

He thinks to himself: I definitely wouldn't have left them, that's for sure.

Part of him had hoped you would forget about your conversation that night, mostly, San thinks, was so that he could deny ever thinking of that awfully selfish and poisonous thought he thought that night.

But, alas, you remembered everything and even apologized if he was uncomfortable by the drunken admission.

He shook his head and told you he wasn't bothered by it at all.

So, not only had he lied, but he also still didn't tell you how he had felt.

It was after this moment, he realized, no matter how much he had changed since high school, people can never truly become different. Because there he was again unable to tell you his feelings, left regretting the things he did, the things he didn't do, and losing to Park Seonghwa.

Seonghwa poured him a cup of tea, a cup of tea he had made specifically for you, since you were on your period and he knew that helped you tremendously.

That alone was enough for San to forfeit.

The man, who was just as tall and good looking even after all these years, smiled at San, making him want to punch his teeth out, "so you're the best friend she never shut up about."

San couldn't even feel happy about that, as he could only imagine how you would have told him this while you rested your head on his lap, while he brushed your hair.

"Why didn't you and her keep in touch after graduating?" Seonghwa asks with seemingly no malice, yet it makes San want to jump him so bad. Seonghwa was on the floor, folding baby clothes, while you and San were on the couch drinking tea, though in addition, you had been breast feeding.

You are the one that answered, "I told you, he went to Seoul and I didn't know how where what address to send letters to. I thought of sending them to his grandmother's house, but knowing her, she would have delivered them directly to San, and I didn't want her to go back and forth for me."

San's jaw slacks at the sentiment, and even more regret washes over him.

Seonghwa turns to you, "what about email? Or phone?"

You shrug, "I didn't have any of his contacts."

Seonghwa turns back to San, "wow. You two really didn't think that through."

You reach and throw one of the shirts he as folding to your ex's face. Seonghwa chuckles and gives you a look, "what? It's true."

San feels like he could die.

After this moment, you finish feeding your daughter and Seonghwa finishes folding her clothes, even the one you hurtled towards him.

That man then goes up to you, specifically for his daughter, and takes her into his arms, peppering the precious thing with kisses.

Seonghwa begins to tell her how much he loves her as you turn to San and ask him if he was ready to head out to the cinema now.

"Didn't you say you were having cramps?"

You shake your head, "They've subsided now, and honestly weren't that bad. Seonghwa can just be dramatic."

The said man chimes in, "well sorry for caring."

You give him a look then stand and turn to San, "let's go?"

San has no other option but to comply.

It's crazy how even after all the time you had spent up until that point, San had no idea Seonghwa spent weekends at your house with your daughter. It made him realize that as much as he knew you, what he knew was not the present you.

It was also crazy how much he saw Seonghwa after that, when he went from not even knowing he was still a part of your life at all to being a looming shadow that was pushing him into insanity.

He got infuriated by the idea he only started showing up more frequently was because of San. When he released the paranoid, egotistical side of him though, he realized Seonghwa was consistent with his weekend schedules and only ever made an appearance if you asked him to.

But what hurt San the most was not that he thought he stood no chance against Seonghwa. No, he managed to convince himself fully to a point where he was sure if he pursued you, you would reciprocate the idiotically prolonged silent love he has harbored for you all these years.

Not even the idea of destroying the picturesque portrait of a family you, Seonghwa, and your child had was what stung. In his mind, he knew he could step up to the plate and be a good dad. He knew he was man enough to allow your daughter to have a relationship with her biological father, even if he came across to some ignorant onlookers as a homewrecker.

But that was exactly what stung. No matter how much he convinced himself, and how you and Seonghwa convinced each other, San could see that you two clearly still loved each other, which would in fact really make him a homewrecker

San looked left when you two shared a laugh to his right. He looked right when you two bickered to his left. Hell, he screwed his eyes and covered his ears, but it was clear as day.

You still loved him and he still loved you.

It was painful. It truly was. On some days, he just wanted to burst out with this obvious piece of vital information just to save himself the heart ache, but San was only human, and in his own form of retribution, he decided he would bite his tongue, waiting for you to either realize your feelings, or for him to finally have his chance.

But you know what, San hates himself for not being a little bit more selfish in the end. Cause damn, it hurts having to act like you didn't just witness someone you love kiss someone else.

San was cradling your daughter in his arms as he rocked her gently to sleep and thought it was a good idea to look at the window.

It wasn't.

You had walked Seonghwa out on this Saturday afternoon. In truth, his visits had gotten shorter and shorter, which had made San feel a strong surge of false hope.

It was hope in falseness, nevertheless.

Seonghwa grabbed your hand before you could walk away and go back inside. You turned back and knit your brows.

"I-" Seonghwa starts, but can't seem to continue. He calls your name, which makes electricity run down your spine. He restarts his thoughts and speaks, "I don't want to not be part of her life. I want to be there for every birthday, for every smile, for every tear... I-I want to be there."

You shake you head, turning to your feet and back to him, "No one's stopping you, Hwa."

Seonghwa finally lets you go and places his hands in his pants' pockets, "I know."

You think of going back inside, but for some reason, you stay put in your spot, somehow expectant that Seonghwa has something more to say.

He does, "do you like him?"

You turn to your feet, questioning, though you knew who he was referring to, "San?"

Seonghwa hums.

"I... I do..."

You turn back to Seonghwa and see his stoic expression. Your blood stills at his next question, "do... do you... like me?"

"I..." you trail of and catch your breath, ".... I do."

Seonghwa straightens, knowing you too well, knowing too well that you sometimes feign ignorance for the benefit of the doubt. He steps forward and boldly asks, "do you love me?"

You struggle with the lump in your throat.

Seonghwa takes another step and licks his lips, rephrasing his thoughts how he meant to ask it. That was where Seonghwa and San differed; where one would sometimes wait and overthink too much, the other would sometimes act without thinking at all. Neither of them would ever know this about the other though.

"Do you still love me?"

Your eyes begin to water, "Seonghwa."

His breath hitches as he weakly adds, "I do."

"..."

He lets out a shaky breath and wave his hands trying to gain momentum for what he had to say, "I quit my job."

You turn back at him and whisper in shock, "Seonghwa."

"I found a new job here, somewhere close with less hours. It's less pay too, but I figured we'd be alright since we'd be living under the same roof and your business is doing well."

"Seonghwa, you're insane."

He takes yet another step forward and takes in a breath, shaking his head, "that was the problem wasn't it? I was working too long, too far, too much. I wasn't being the man I promised you I'd be. That's why you left my ring and left me."

"It was more than that! We were still growing and were changing into different people. We wanted different things."

"Well I want none of that now!" he retorts, almost hysterically, "I don't want to be in a big firm or be one of the big shots with my sportscar and my penthouse, I just want you. I just want you, and my baby, and for my life to be part of yours."

You're both crying at this point.

And to be precise, this was the moment San got a glimpse of.

Seonghwa had taken all the steps he could and was now standing in front of you. You two had stared at each other for a solid five seconds before ultimately, Seonghwa had the spine to wipe of your tears away and cautiously lean in for a kiss.

He was successful. You kissed him back.

San shakily turned back and walked away from the window. He thought to himself: it was only kiss.

But in that moment, he was reminded, people never truly change.

And the same way he showed up to the dance after finally growing some sense and losing his pride, he knew in his bones he was too late. He found you and Seonghwa sharing a kiss by the pool during the dance after looking for you all over the place.

It was all over.

He lost.

Only this time, San had a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, unselfish part of him that rooted for you.