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xstarvibezx · 2 years

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Idk what Rainbow Friends is but I’m super interested in your OC’s storylines!!! What happened to them? What changed? What are they like? Who is your fav? Who do you hate but still love? I’m so interested!!! I kinda wanna draw fanart oops— /gen

OH - HELLO- I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I HAD A ASK-- MY BAD AFJSDHJD

Also I highly recommend that you play Rainbow Friends, it's *SUPER* fun and entertaining. It's on Roblox if you're wondering<3

As for my favorite ocs? I have a few, such as: Candycane, Bittersweet, Pink, Black and Slate^^

As for who do I hate but still love? You know, I don't know actually. I had never thought about it.

And you can draw fanart of them! Just hit me up if you need their reference sheets that I need to remake some of them haha-

Anyways, as for my Rainbow friend ocs? Or my furry/creature ocs?? We'll just do rf ocs haha -- but first. Some notes: this is my first au of them<3

Pink = Pink is Blue's sister, not biologically related but they see each other as siblings, since they both were created on the same day. When Pink was younger, she was a recolor of Blue and absolutely hated it but she couldn't exactly complain about it since the scientists' weren't so. . .uh. . .good to her and the other odd world colors. Though when she got to her teenage years, she got a new design by Jessica(Her creator), but what's sad is that her second design was mostly dead odd world colors that died through the experiments stitched to her. She may have never haven't gotten a chance to know them, but she still was horrified. Later on life, she dated Red. The two were-- or had a okay relationship, but soon broke up when the truth was revealed. And just so you know, it was NOT a pretty breakup. At all. After years passed, Red returned and Pink was still wishing she had a new design, she couldn't ask Jessica to redesign her again, since the science woman despised and hated the odd world colors. (Except Magenta) and when she reunited with Red again, it took a few weeks for them to become normal goos friends, and once they did, she wanted him to redesign her. So he did, even if it meant going through five panic attacks just to help her. Also she receives kill mode later on in her life. Yikes-

I swear I will make a better fleshed out explanation on all of them, just- give me time haha-

Slate = This chubby short lil grumpy guy doesn't have a much of a backstory but he does have some history with Pink, the two are good friends. Slate has a crush on Honeydew, but he's a tsundere. Oh and by the way, he's uh- he's having some mental issues and is dealing with depressing thoughts. He also has kill mode, though nobody knows how he got it.

Honeydew belongs to this person

Candycane = This crazy holiday rainbow creature was created at the start of November and was finished on December 12th. She was a bit crazy at the time but as she grew older, she got more crazier and tends to get herself into trouble. A lot. Though she tries her best to do some things, and sometimes try and be a good partner to Nightlight despite never really experiencing love in their life.

Nightlight belongs to this person

Chocolate = This poor gal lost her fucking legs during a experiment, brutally ripped off. So ptsd for her! Even more so when her creator, Jessica (who's also Pink's creator), had ripped her eye out as a punishment for disobeying his orders. She is *SUPER* emotional and is much more sensitive than Strawberry is. However she developed a disliking towards Slate, who constantly makes fun of her for having no legs. Poor gal can't catch a break, but hey, at least she has Aura.

Aura belongs to this person

Strawberry = The poor giant chubby gal was too late to save a human friend of hers, the woman was named Laura and was killed by Jessica. Nobody knows why she killed her, or how she did it but Strawberry developed a fear of being too late of saving her friends. However, she is super sweet and loving to everyone, and is practically the caretaker of children of any types. She is also in a relationship with Lulu and is quite happy. Though she still terribly misses Laura :(

Lulu belongs to this person

Black = This guy was created by the rainbow friends themselves, it was mostly Blue's idea because Red wasn't there, he had been presumably dead as hell out in the wild after the truth revealed. So originally, Black was a replacement for Red until things went horribly wrong. Nobody knows how or why but Black was created with kill mode and went on a rampage, he had no absolute control over himself and his kill mode at the time, but now he's just chilling and is now mates with Orange, taking care of any rainbow creature kids.

Black & Pink are my first ones haha-

White = I'm remaking him so nothing on him yet, sorry<3

Violet = This gal had miraculously survived throughout dangerous experiments at such a young age, however, they received scars and practically is missing a arm due to those experiments. She is also half blind too. However, she may not talk much and is always being assumed of being muted, they always are chill and acts more like a background character and prefers it that way. She doesn't like attention or drama involving themselves.

Rusty = Ah yes, our magic nerd rainbow creature who always and still believes magic is real. Rusty grew up being told/lied to about fantasy stuff being real, so like, he believes any fantasy creatures were real and such. Also when he was young, he was a female but now he's a male, meaning he's Transgender. However, throughout his life, he is kinda childish. Always believing liars and is somewhat good friends with Lime, but he soon developed a crush but unfortunately Lime has no interest in him and just sees him as a friend.

Neon = It usually goes "Neon" or "Rainbow" due to him having all sorts of different colors, of course, they were created and supposed to be a weapon for odd world though things went south and Neon ended up killing his creator, Aaron. However, they somehow ended up crushing on Grey, and it confuses him. Also they can change her form and is NOT a ghost despite looking like one. Neon goes by many names and is just a insane boi. They absolutely love scaring ppl though<3

This Grey belongs to this person

The Candy Collector/Bittersweet = He goes by many, many, many different names. Most of these names are based off types of certain candy, and such. Though they mostly use "Bittersweet" and "Sugarcoat". He was created at the beginning of August, his creation took much longer due to his extra arms and the abilities the scientists' were giving him. And the rainbow machine was having issues, as well as Bittersweet. His creation was finished at the end of September, and they placed him in the wooden cabin since that's the easiest place for them to give children candy. When October rolled around, Bittersweet started to become a bit more unstable than he usually is. On October 31th, the day of Halloween, that's when he snapped. Bittersweet had killed about 4 or 5 kids, causing the place to shut down and him being thrown out. Though they decided to sneak out and run off, leaving the play place. Oh and by the way, Blue and Purple knows him. Bittersweet had never returned, until later on. Though even now, nobody knows where they live now.

Yellowstone = Our poor derpy gal who can only smile and absolutely despises the odd circus, she was a failed experiment at odd world but was transferred to the odd circus, a place of failed experiments would go. Yellowstone absolutely hates the circus and the people in it, they all treat her and the others like shit. Though she is always how positive she is in front of others but really, she's just dying inside, hating life, and doesn't have a good view of a actual good life. She also despises Sunset.

Blueberry = Another failed experiment, she is short and chubby and is playful. She tries her best to make Yellowstone feel better despite hating the circus herself, she is such a troublemaker and is often viewed as a screw-up, though she doesn't care for the insults. Though she knows Yellowstone is sensitive about pretty much anything. Also Blueberry was created in the circus, so she has no idea there are other places.

Blackberry = He can't really change his mouth expression, and is often pranking others. Trying to ignore the pain he usually gets from the people that treats them all like shit, he is now questioning his sexuality when he started crushing on Blood Orange. Also he's a failed experiment. He can also teleport, so it makes it more easier to prank others and get away. He usually accidentally scares Yellowstone.

Blood Orange belongs to this person

Sunset = She is the favorite, she is loved by the people, the audience and the children. She absolutely loves the circus, not realizing the people were injuring the others, or maybe she does and doesn't care. Either way, she absolutely enjoys making fun of them, especially Yellowstone since she knows that Yellowstone wasn't created in the circus.

Snowflake = The one and only so far that had been transferred to odd world, nobody knows why or how they did it. He was just suddenly transferred to odd world, he is quiet most of the time and nervous too. He is socially awkward and was super awkward when he had explained his situation to Pink. Before anything, yes he's a failed experiment, and yes, Pink welcomed him in despite being awkward herself. So far, Snowflake lived in odd world without worrying the life of the circus weighing down on his shoulders.

Misty Rose = The adopted daughter of Orange and Black, she is a bit hostile and distrustful and is usually seen crossing her arms or wearing a sweater. She was adopted off from Odd World, though Odd World has it all so there's a adoption center for rainbow creatures and human children. Misty Rose was created and then was sent to the center, also yes, Odd World has their own rainbow machine. She is also in love with Mint (A Green X Blue child), and is terrified of Purple, she prefers to keep her distance.

Opal = A decent good friend of Slate, she doesn't really do much in her life. She usually comforts Chocolate whenever Slate is done making her life even more miserable, Opal developed a parental instinct over Chocolate and this caused her and Slate had a falling out. Since then, the two meet with hostility and aggression. She was created at Odd World.

Dark Gray = Our weaponized rainbow creature, he was created at the circus and is now being used as a weapon, they are well aware of it but it learned that if they disobey, he gets locked into a cage like a animal. Dark Gray was already acting more like a animal than a actual rainbow creature. He is easily confused by pretty much anything.

Gray = He used to be Oswald and had done so much damage on the rainbow creatures, especially Red and Purple. Later on, he returned as a Gray cat rainbow creature but soon ended up fucking dying by Bittersweet.

Glowstick = Ah yes, the actual first odd world "color" that was created in odd world. They have the ability to glow in the dark or anytime, and practically can shapeshift. He used to date Violet and had a clean break up, they both just kinda fell out of love. Glowstick at the beginning had a completely different appearance except for her sabortooth like teeth, so when it was ordered to have a new appearance, things went horribly wrong, making her into a failed experiment. There are rumors she might have died but that isn't the case. They aren't dead. She does have crushes on White and Black, and doesn't really know how to act on it so they just kinda. . ."okay".

This Black and White belongs to this person

Carrot Cake = This chubby gal looks like a literal carrot cake, she has the colors of one anyway. She absolutely loves meat and practically will eat meat, chocolate and sweet rolls. She refuses to eat any cake since she says it's cannibalism. Carrot Cake can shapeshift and can practically turn into a puddle whenever she wants and act like she's "melting"

Rosewood = She is a failed experiment, based off of the Pink fanmade design that's more popular than the others. However, her arms were brutally ripped off by her creator, who is unfortunately is unknown right now. She gets along with Yellow the most, since she listens a lot. She absolutely hates scientists and can be aggressive when she wants to be. Nobody knows how she was never transferred to the odd circus despite being a failed experiment.

Yellow = Yellow was created in Odd World, having traits of a cheetah but he isn't fast as Orange, however he's the same height as Orange. Yellow used to be in a relationship with Pink, they got together while Red was gone (more like presumably dead). He has a strong hatred towards Orange and anyone with kill mode. So he despises all the rainbow friends, Pink, Slate and such. Though as much he hates Violet, he is creeped out by her silence.

Lime = This poor guy has no kill mode but when he was first created, he used to be narcissistic and sus, basically a copycat of Jayson (a scientist). Though now, Red had fixed him and now he is pretty chill and crushing on Yellow.

Turquoise = They are a demonic spirit, it's not specific of type of demonic spirit he is but he had died through the experiments. It definitely has kill mode and is forever in it. He has demon and ghost powers such as: possessing bodies and such. It's unknown of what experiment he had been killed by, they just know they died through experiments.

SkyBlue = SkyBlue is based off of some kind of sea monster, though due to this, she can't leave water since she doesn't have legs. However, it doesn't stop her from seeing her girlfriend, Peach (Pink X Yellow child)<3

Magenta 1 = This Magenta is sus as fuvk and acts a lot like Angel Dust and is sus like him, she is enemies with Purple and is practically the favorite of Jessica. She isn't presented when kids are at odd world due to the fact that she's not child friendly, however, later on she does get brutally murdered by 600 KM Red. IT will always be unknown of why Jessica adored her so much though.

Maroon = He absolutely loves the play place and is glad that Red had adopted him and Navy. He was created in Odd World and was taken to the center as well. Though he decided to leave the play place since it was his home, wanting the odd colors to adopt him. Lime, specifically, adopted him.

Navy = She was created and placed in the adoption center, she doesn't talk much but she can be protective over Maroon. She and Maroon were adopted by Red, so now their the adopted children of Red.

Coral = This poor odd color died during one of the experiments, she used to have kill mode before she died. Everyone knows her death, she went crazy and tried to bite Jessica but Vivian had "put her down" so now Coral is just a wandering ghost that never shows up a lot and when they do, it's usually to check on the odd colors to see how their doing.

Cerulean = He used to be a human, so his human life is unknown. Though despite being very emotional, he is infected by KM. Nobody knows how. He is a very forgetful creature, forgetting many things except for his emotional support hoodies. He absolutely loves wearing them. He is surprisingly aggressive whenever he's KM.

Salmon = Salmon was created in the circus, a failed experiment, but he managed to escaped through the sewers, he can easily swim through rivers, oceans, sewage, and such. He's based off of a shark but he has traits of a sea monster. So like a hybrid I guess.

#rainbow friends #rainbow friends oc #rainbow friends red #theres too many ocs to tag a-#too many ocs #ocs #star answers #vibe answers #answered!#tw long post #ALSO YES IM DOING OC X OC SHIPS WITH OTHER PPL STJSDYGS-

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cetirizhane · 5 months

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Just got the news that the most senior in our residency decided to quit. For circumstances beyond his control, he is now in his 5th year in the department then one day he woke up and that's the only thing set in his mind.

That scared me, to stay for that long and just abandon it like you haven't given your effort, sweat, and tears on that training/job for the past, hello? Five years! But I admire his courage for doing that, perhaps he felt like whatever he is doing does not serve him anymore and does not contribute to his growth as a person, or his career and he just cut it out of his life before it will exhaust him.

Which then brought me to my quitting ideations, ever since 3rd month of residency I wanted to quit already, because of an issue that was blown up into something big and everyone somehow got involved that I had to write a letter of explanation, and breaking down in front of everybody in the residents room, and in front of that junior consultant who made me a bait for her gambiting. I broke down for weeks. Core memory event right there. For some dumb reason I stayed. I loved working with my other senior friends, I loved the interaction I have with patients, I loved the place, and I took pride to belong. (Actually, I was scared to go back in my hometown and be a disappointment to everybody who supported me in my journey all the while I haven't gotten any salary YET from that hospital) Everyday thereafter was a journey to prove myself that I wasn't the person they judged me to be based on my psychological exams. That fucked me up. To be judged based on the things I wrote there.

Even when things got okay somehow, it seems like I am becoming the boy who cried wolf to my boyfriend's eyes because everyday was like "mag quit na ko, ayaw ko na" and still be there the next day doing my shit like I just did not have a panic attack the night before that. Even considered speaking up about it to my seniors but I have this thing with proving myself and having tough persona in the department.

It was tough being the only legit first year doing admin work because my batchmate allegedly is bad with computer stuff and half the year she was gone for a training and basically, I was the only one doing the first year stuff (nothing new, felt like that even when she was there anyway). Wanted to get out of there so bad, I talked to a friend doing PGIship in a davao hospital to ask about psych residency there, but found out I have to do first year all over again if I wanna transfer, which sucks because I don't want to do that shit for another year (but I'm still seriously considering even when I'm halfway thru 2nd year and just done with my training in military) but it will also be sad to leave the work friends I made along the way who made residency life so much easier. Letting go seems like something out of my niche jud HAHA or maybe staying in a traumatic environment is something is my learned helplessness kicking in (my childhood saying "you're welcome" in the background)

I did not have my salary until November of that year which really broke me because I can't even do the things that make me happy or eat the foods that will rejuvenate my spirit. Which got me dependent on my boyfriend A LOT. He was like basically taking care of a kid, me, the whiny-angry-irritable-needs-comforting-a-lot kid. Maybe that's why he got tired of me and then the self-pity kicked in and I was just lost and autopilot was on. my patients going back to being psychotic like I am close to being one or was one. (Disoriented? Hearing voices? Wanted to jump off the seventh floor while interviewing an ongoing referral? Yup, that me.)

I'm staring at everything that happened for the past year and so and it kind of made me glad I survived that shit. I remember jokingly voicing out everyday I wanted to quit whenever I am in the residency room and one time I got super late for two consecutive days (when I found out my boyf was cheating on me) with swollen eyes and all. The second day, my seniors clapped when I entered the residents room and gave me man a small hug congratulating me for not giving in to my quitting ideations. Which was comforting even when they did not know the personal stuff I was going through. That gave me the energy to face my patients for that day. Rhose little inside jokes with them "see u tomorrow... I guess?" "Congrats, di tayo nag quit today" "see you in hell" "those kind of humor we get to do made somehow my life a little lighter. To know we are all in the same fucked up hell of a training and still staying for the sake of taking care of other people and proving people that we are capable of the things they thought we can't do.

My residency is bittersweet. I stayed there for a stupid reason-I want to have a proper and not LDR kind of a relationship with someone I was just starting to know. Now, I'm staying there because I want to help people I am just starting to know and want to know about.

What do I know? I'm barely just scratching the surface. I barely just started 2nd year. I hope I don't lose the tiny spark I have. The fact that I'm still afraid of losing that means I still want to continue doing this despite how exhausting this thing is.

#residency things

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1000sandwiches · 8 months

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Tue, Feb 6, 2024

Lately I have become extremely nostalgic for the Web 1.0 era of the internet. It started with me looking at archived Usenet posts via Google Groups, but has turned into me spending hours on the Wayback Machine looking up sites I used to haunt back in the 90s and early 2000s. Stuff like The Gaming Intelligence Agency (which is still up somehow), Elfwood, Toriyama's World, or various rabbit holes from the Anime Web Turnpike. I really miss the days everyone had their own website (I had several if you're wondering. A Flame of Recca fan site, for example). I want to be one of the cool kids and join Neocities in hopes it'll give me a similar vibe, but I haven't done HTML in years and feel a bit intimidated by it. So for now maybe a Tumblr diary will do. So that's what this is, a rambling online diary like the kind I kept as a teenager. It seemed cheaper than therapy.

Rambling about being a new parent and venting about my in-laws below. It's not particularly interesting. Next time I'll just write about video games I'm playing, probably.

I became a dad in November 2023. My emotions and mental health have been sort of all over the place since the day we checked into the hospital. I had always wanted a family of my own, and my wife and I both felt we would regret not having at least one child. I have a lot of insecurities about being a first time father at my age. I'm 38 now, and I just keep thinking about how I'll be 43 when my son is 5, and worry I won't be able to keep up with him. But here we are.

My wife was induced and spent 30 hours in labor before the doctor finally gave us the option for a C-Section. She didn't even hesitate to say yes, honestly just relieved to get it over with. The operation went fine, but apparently I am a lightweight when it comes to gore. Seeing my partner's blood and guts all over the surgeons had my anxiety screaming. Also, no one will ever believe me, but during the surgery the anesthesiologist, Bob, was playing on his phone. All of a sudden an ad for homemade marinara started playing, and the whole room stopped to stare at him. Surgeons still covered in bloody bits. Bob just mumbled "bad timing" and turned the volume down. What an absolute legend. I love you, Bob!

The experience of holding our son for the first time was just as powerful as I had always heard. So many different feelings washed over me all at once. I'd never even held a baby before then. Seeing my son being held up against my significant other's head made me cry.

Unfortunately, I am a peon at a public library, and my wife works retail, so neither of us are great breadwinners. Oops. Sorry, baby! So now we have super fun medical bills while we also figure out a budget. Currently we are living with my in-laws. Having to adjust to both our newborn and their family routine has been a challenge for us both.

Some days are great. Others are hard. Especially in the first month, where some nights the baby would just scream his head off for hours. I knew I hated loud noises, but I never realized how triggering a baby's cry could be. I'm not suicidal, but I've spent several nights imagining a scenario where I'd jump into my car and driving off a cliff. This has gotten better recently as he now does fairly good job of sleeping through the night. It's a lot easier to be patient with his crying when we are not exhausted.

My wife had a few struggles with post-partum depression. The week after giving birth, her hormones were all over the place and she had frequent panic attacks. One morning she woke up, walked into the living room and saw our son, only to then throw up. She is over this now thankfully, and has put a lot of energy into figuring out how to be a mom. I'm very proud of her.

The In-laws are a huge help, but there are pros and cons to their assistance. There are times where my wife and I really need to learn how to deal with our son's tantrums by ourselves, but the grandparents will insist on taking him. I appreciate the help, but I worry about not being able to handle him myself. In fairness, I might struggle to get him down for an hour, but Grandma can get him to sleep on five minutes. It's like dark magic for grandparents, I swear.

I am also prone to feeling like a burden on the family. I notice a lot of little corrections. Stupid things like say I take some chips from the cupboard and I know I'll put them back in a moment. I might decide to leave the door open for a moment, but Grandma walks in and immediately shuts the cupboard. Other times I might leave a light on which Grandma turns off while I'm still using. I also feel like every interaction I have with my son is being judged. If he's crying and I set him down for a few minutes, someone feels the need to swoop in and take him from me. It's like leaving him be in his bassinet while he's awake his frowned upon.

My In-Laws also have a family culture where everyone hangs out in the living room together all day. This is completely new to me, and I'd rather be alone in my room most of the time. It doesn't help that they are a family that keeps their television on all day and I get very sick of hearing the news cycle repeat over and over. This recently had consequences when Grandpa came home from work sick, and apparently keeping the baby in another room, away from the sick guy, was never even considered.

As you might expect, our baby got sick. I was pissed. I just couldn't believe that I would come home from work to find grandpa coughing just a few feet away from him, and no one thought to keep them separated. Our son then passed his cold onto the rest of the household (not covid or flu, as several of us have tested negative).

So that brings us to now. A week after getting sick, I am still having issues with sinus drainage along with aches and pains. Our son is doing better, and you can't even tell my wife was ever sick. I'm very jealous. I should probably take a few moments to proof read all this, but I've already been typing on my phone for an hour and feel silly about posting this at all.

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blustering-old-fool · 9 months

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Ooc Vent : all over

I know I'm not a perfect person and I'm very antisocial outside of people I am comfortable with. To go out into public I have to take my anti anxiety meds just to keep from having a panic attack. I had a severe one new years last year just for my parents to realize how bad it was. In the 26 years I've been alive it proved what was happening to me was real but

Now it's been forgotten even after reminders of. I don't like going out in public and I don't like being forced to go places. Apparently my life is measured by how many times I go out in public and post online with 'friends' to live life.

I've tried to have a relationship with my dad, I have. To others I guess it could look like it from the outside but. I've asked him to show me how to do things, just hang out or small stuff or help them when they(the parents) ask. But when I do, it's pushed off to go get car parts in time to get back to their house for me to drive off cause I have work in the morning. Having to put up with constant nick names getting made fun of for the way I talk. Or pictures they edit of me. (I've asked them to stop but it didnt)

To passive aggressive comments or simply not even going and doing things I had planned with them already. So I gave up, I haven't asked for help- money anything from them since the beginning of november.

I asked my dad to take me take me to a concealed carry class to know how to properly use a fire arm because we live in a bad neighbor hood and weeks earlier my sister truck was broken into. But when the day came for us to go it was forgotten and pushed asside for car stuff.

I lost then started a new job and I wanted to know how to weld so I asked him to show me since he had a welder. He agreed and I showed up a 'quick car ride' to pick something up turned to two hours sitting in a car with my mother while he bullshitted with some stranger from Facebook market place about calidascopes and magazines. In time for me to go home to go to bed and go to work the next morning.

I haven't asked for help looking at this truck I'm buying from a co worker because I trust him and (for this story his names j) j started the same time as I did and has done nothing but help and show me how to do things and been patient with me because I will admit I don't know jack about the field I'm in so I'm willing to learn. And he's offered his shop for me to come up and work on the same truck and show me how to replace the drum breaks on it because I don't have those sort of tools avaliable.

Recently before I left for Florida my parents asked my sister and I to help put up a new board around the garage roof edge and we agreed because they're our parents. When doing it (in front of my sisters girlfriend) my dad got angry and started screaming at all of us because we didn't know what we were doing and he wasn't communicating. I had to walk away because I'm a baby I guess and started crying. My mother told me I just needed to let things go and went back out after we had calmed down.

I don't know what to do I'm stuck in a repetitive self loathing loop. I'm sitting here sobbing as I write this

#ooc : rank #tw:mental health

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jade-bright · 2 years

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I've been in love with this one dude for 3 years, but when I was thinking about how many years I've loved him I thought it was 5.

The start was definitely something.

One of my best friends at the time also had a crush on him, ik this because she told me the day after I showered and thought 'I wouldn't mind him being my first kiss.' So I kinda backed off, I didn't say that I also liked him, I didn't say that I had talked to him the day before she would rant to me about him. And God was I sooooo annoyed when this dude texted me saying that she told him she liked him, and he was asking me what he should do. Not because she confessed first, no, I backed off, I didn't care if she got the guy, I was annoyed that when I asked him several times if he liked her or would want to date her or something, he was so unsure and didn't give a definite answer. Then I was further annoyed when she called me to tell me how she finally confessed, meanwhile I was still basically arguing with him. Idk what was said when they met up (which I didn't know until she told me a day or two after), but they didn't end up dating.

He had also just broken up with this other girl, who, I don't genuinely mean it when I call people this but she was a fucking bitch. Further proof being later in the year, this girl ended up dating my crush's friend.

And I always feel shitty when I say this, but he wasn't physically attractive. Even now that he's had a bit of a glow up, I feel like one of the reasons I like him isn't his looks. (But I did have the unfortunate luck to figure out that he looks so fucking good in flannel). It's cheesy and cliche, but he fucking cares. Before we ever dated, I got sick and he was the only when to text me and ask why I wasn't at school, like not even my friends had asked. My best friend who also had a crush on him texted me, but it was just to see what I wrote for the worksheet we were doing. More recently I had a like a breakdown or panic attack and once he noticed I had been out of the room for too long without ever coming back in, he went to check up on me and when he saw me vulnerable, on the floor, looking like I had just been crying, he just sat right across from me and was overall patient with my explanation that I didn't owe him and waiting for when I was ready to get up.

However the situation I'm currently in sucks because we have dated and broke up a TOTAL of 3 times. In our last break up (over the phone btw), he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but then 2 months later I'm telling him how he hurt me really bad and that I still love him and other shit. But I asked for time to think if I wanted to get back together, especially since I had a trip out the country later in the week. So I come back to the states and like a month later I'm telling him that I don't think I can like people in a romantic way, but then come back to school and I'm realizing that I just can't like anyone else because I'm still in love with him and can't imagine being in a serious relationship with someone who isn't him. And so half way through the month, I call him and I tell him so and also that he can have all the time he wants since it's only fair. But since then to now, we're gone to the mall with a mutual friend and I held his hand, went to hoco held his hand and slow danced with him and ended up accidentally taking his hoodie with me and having it for the whole weekend. All of this and he didn't stop me, and we haven't acknowledged or talked about shit. The closest thing to acknowledgement was when I'd first go to hold his hand, he'd look down to see what I was doing then just hold my hand in return. Like wtf!?!?!

When I mentioned the unacknowledgement to my two friends who I've been telling all this shit to, they've both told me that we should really talk about. And I've told them, I will, after November 3rd, because from the day I called and told him I still love him to that day was the same time it took me to finally say how I (thought) I felt at the time.

I am to a degree prepared for rejection or acceptance. If he says no to a relationship, I feel like I'm gonna need him to tell me he doesn't like me in that sense anymore because I might be able to move on right way if he doesn't tell me that. And if he says yes to a relationship, then I stop worrying, i stop overthinking as much as i used too. I'm emotionally and mentally better than I was last year, and I'm worried about it but I can actually kinda see myself marrying him.

#complications #lovelife #saddness #stupid feelings

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lights-on-the-ridge · 3 years

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Well, its that time of the year again.

Since late November of 2021, i have been dreading the date. Not because of any expensive holiday or anything like that, but because today marks 8 years since the passing of Harold Ramis. Now, obviously i haven't known about him very long nor had i grown up watching his films. Despite this, he has managed to impact my life in ways that i literally could never expect.

So back in November, i began experiencing crippling anxiety over the menacing fact that i will die one day. I have been dealing with this fear since i was seven. During one if these panic attacks, a particularly bad one i must say, i suddenly had the idea to watch the Ghostbustersb movie. Odd, i know. I hadnt seen Ghostbusters since my young childhood so i had decided that 'yeah i might as well take a trip down memory lane, might do me some good'. So i composed myself enough to stand and watched it. After that day, i had developed an odd connection to the funky scientist and his wonderful actor.

Over a four month period i began consuming all media in relation to the man. Movies, interviews, books, articles, podcasts. Literally anything. An through that i discovered that Ramis held a similar existential outlook on life, but rather than fear it, he learned to embrace it. He has become a fatherly figure in my life (weird i know sorry) and to hear him say that living in fear is overrated and that i should be proud of how far i have gotten was astonishing. Harold Ramis has had such an insane and indescribable impact on my quality of life that i have no choice but to have what, to me, feels like a deep connection. Harold had been there for me in moments when i wasnt sure i could stand or even breath. Even eight years after his passing he is still spreading joyfulness and hope to people around him. His legacy of films and comedy will outlive us all, impacting millions of people if not more.

I will never be able to explain just how important he is to me, its impossible. But just know that Ramis has allowed me the ability to breath in moments where i didnt think it was possible. His work has inspired me and comforted me like none other. He is absolutely incredible and deserves to he recognized as such. We miss you Harold, rest easy big guy.

#harold ramis #ghostbusters #stripes 1981 #caddyshack #meatballs #animal house #Analyze this #egon spengler #Russell Ziskey #harold ramis my beloved #i miss harold #groundhog day

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starshine-hockey-girl · 2 years

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Aftershocks- Magical Mystery Ride- Chapter Twenty Four

Author's Note- In this chapter, Tyler and Teddy deal with the "aftershocks" of Tyler's revelations about Teddy's family and her resulting panic attack. Teddy reveals her past with Chaz. I realize that she has already done so in the Teddy/Lex universe, but wanted to explore how it would be different with Tyler.

Warnings- alcohol use, mentions of suicidal ideation, extreme physical/mental/sexual abuse (not detailed though), therapy

@newlibrary @princessphilly@hockeykittee@hockeyunits@fallinallincurls

Previous Chapter-Chapter Twenty Three- Meet the Parents- https://starshine-hockey-girl.tumblr.com/post/670569735817150464/thursday-november-22nd-2018-teddy-nuzzled-her

Friday, November 23rd

Teddy quickly hit the off button when the alarm sounded. Tyler groaned and pulled her to him, "Too early to be awake."

She smiled softly, "That would sort of imply that I have been asleep, which I haven't."

Tyler's head lifted his head off the pillow, "What do you mean you weren't asleep? Why weren't you sleeping?"

Teddy sat up and shrugged her shoulders, "I couldn't sleep. My mind is still reeling from yesterday and going over worse case scenarios for later."

Tyler sat up and pulled to him, "So what's the worst case scenario number one?"

Teddy sighed, "My parents decide I am too much trouble and disown me."

Tyler thought for a moment, "You realize that's irrational, right? Do I need to tell you that?"

Teddy looked down and blushed, "Yes, I am aware all of my worst case scenarios are irrational. You don't have to worry. I am also aware that my thought that you were going to wake up, break up with me and throw me out on the street is equally irrational. I still have the thoughts though and they have kept me awake since about four AM."

Tyler blinked slowly and Teddy continued, "It will be better after therapy. At least, I hope so." Teddy snuggled into his chest, "Don't worry about my irrational thoughts, Tyler. Now you're getting into your head."

Tyler whispered, "I feel bad that I said anything at all. Look at everything that has happened since I did."

Teddy's head snapped up, "No Sir- don't you feel bad for speaking the truth. Do you hear me? You always tell me the truth even if it's hard for me to hear." She crawled onto his lap, straddling his waist, "Let's start again. Good morning, Sweet One. How are you?'

He didn’t respond and looked down. She leaned down to kiss his shoulder, "Me first? I am happy. I had the best day yesterday with my boyfriend. I met his family who are super awesome and nice to me. I had a great time with my friends at Thanksgiving lunch. Then we had a Princess Bride movie night."

Tyler laughed and pulled her tight against his chest, "Ditto, my Pretty One, Ditto. What time do you need to leave?"

Teddy snuggled into him, "Forty minutes, but I am getting a sense of Deja vu here Tyler."

Tyler grabbed her ass and pulled her into his crotch, "You seem like you need a little stress relief before therapy."

Later that morning

Robert and Elizabeth stood inside the small waiting room as Teddy checked in the receptionist. There was a stark difference in the way that they were dressed. Teddy’s red curls were piled on top of her head in a messy bun. She wore comfortable leggings with sneakers. It had been a last minute decision to add Tyler’s Stars hoodie over her long sleeved t-shirt. She sniffed it and inhaled a whiff of his cologne. The scent comforted her momentarily. She turned to her parents who were dressed on the business side of business casual. “You can have a seat. She’ll come out in a few minutes to get us,” she said quietly.

Teddy curled up in a chair opposite of her parents. The tension between the three was palpable. Robert played peacemaker, “How was the movie night, Teddy? Uneventful?” Teddy’s face scrunched up. “I wasn’t referring to your…….episode. Just in general.”

“It wasn’t an episode- it was an anxiety attack which happens when you have, you know, anxiety,” she sulked, "Thankfully you helped Tyler walk me through it. He really is an amazing boyfriend."

"I'm sure he is," Robert huffed.

"What does that mean, Daddio?" Teddy huffed back, "For the life of me, I don't understand your animosity towards him. He has been nothing but a caring, supportive friend and now amazing boyfriend. You said so yourself last night. Why do we keep coming back to this negativity? What has he done that you can’t let go?"

"I know that he is a good boyfriend to you, but that doesn’t negate the past, Teddy," Robert responded.

"What's the past, Daddio? What are you talking about?" she scoffed.

"I saw his car the first night, Teddy Bear. I know how these things work, especially with him. Not to mention last December when you 'stayed' at his house," Robert scolded.

“And? What are you trying to say?” she prodded, refusing to let him off the hook.

“I think the two of you had sex way too soon. He may be doing the right thing now, but he didn’t then,” Robert answered.

"Are you kidding me? You think I fucked Tyler because his car was there overnight?" she exclaimed.

"Teddy! Watch your language and watch your tone," Elizabeth warned.

"No, I will not watch my language or tone when Daddy is going to imply that I am a liar and also imply something nefarious about Tyler," she rebuffed, "Do you think I was taken advantage of? Do you think of Tyler as some predator?"

"Let me tell you something-Lex's truck was never in the driveway overnight and I never spent the night with Him, but we had sex all the damn time. ” Teddy challenged.

“Teddy, what has gotten into you? Don’t make a scene,” Elizabeth pleaded.

“I am grown woman and if I tell you that I didn't have sex with Tyler until we were dating, then that's the goddamn truth. I mean, I don’t know why you care. You know that I am not a virgin saving myself for marriage anymore. Chaz took care of that." she raised her voice. Heads turned in the waiting room and Teddy crossed her arms. They sat in stony silence again.

Elizabeth studied her hands closely before squeezing them tightly. Teddy noticed and reached into purse. “Mama- try this,” she said as she pulled out the lavender scented hand cream. “The scent helps and the texture feels soothing on the hands,” she continued as she handed the cream to her mother.

Her mother took the container from Teddy’s hands. Teddy looked up into her eyes and saw the fear. She got up and knelt in front of her mother, “Mama, it’s only really scary the first time. After that, it gets easier- I promise. Not that I am saying that you need to come again. Thank you for being here. I know that you would rather be just about in any other place on the planet.” Elizabeth smiled bleakly at Teddy and opened the tube. Teddy returned to her seat and picked up the phone.

The curly, blonde counselor poked her head out of the door, “Teddy- I’m ready for you now.” All three Baxters stood up. Teddy led through the door and the hallway to Dr. Hall’s office. There was a short dance of bodies as they worked out the seat configuration. Teddy sat at the end of the couch closest to the psychologist, followed by her father and her mother. Before she took her seat, Dr. Hall shook Elizabeth and Robert's hands, "I am assuming that you must be Robert and Elizabeth. I am Dr. Hall, but you can call me Jen. It's a pleasure to finally put faces with names."

Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably in her seat. The trio sat in silence before Robert spoke, "I should say the same. Teddy's mother and I are appreciative of all the assistance you have given Teddy over the years." It was Teddy's turn to shift uncomfortably.

"So what brings you in today? Teddy- your text made it seem urgent," Jen stated.

"I had a pretty severe anxiety attack last night. The worst that I've had in almost a year and half. Since the anxiety attack was preceded by a discovery about my mother, I thought we should all come into process it together." Teddy said with an edge to her voice.

"Walk me through the day," Jen requested.

"I spent the night with Tyler at his house. It had been a rough day on Wednesday with another incident with Benn so I started the day with a base level of anxiety. That is another story for another session, “ Teddy started. “As we discussed in a previous session, I was already feeling anxiety about meeting Tyler’s family which is why I decided to take the trip to visit Tyler on the road. That morning I was feeling what I would describe as a low to mid level of anxiety. However, Tyler was extremely helpful in managing my anxiety, as he always does." Teddy looked pointedly at her father.

Jen noticed the look, “Has Tyler’s helpfulness been in doubt? Are your parents aware of how Tyler helps you?"

Robert spoke softly, "I can confidently say that I was unaware until yesterday and I saw their interactions." He shifted in his seat, “I will admit that I have been wrong about him and his intentions. Can we please move on?” he suggested.

“I am not the one that continues to make passive-aggressive comments about him,” Teddy said coldly. “Anyway, to continue with the day- When Tyler arrived with his family, he began to make some observations about my parents and me. It was the first time that he spent an extended period of time with us. Over the course of the day, two things happened. I made a comment about being the crazy one in our family which he openly disagreed with. When I questioned him why he disagreed, he pointed out that my mother and I have very familiar patterns. He saw signs of mother’s anxiety and how my father helps her through her ‘episodes’. Honestly, I denied it at first. I thought that there was no way that they would know and understand anxiety and how to manage it. How could they know and understand it so well but not want to help me when I struggled so much?”

“Whoa,” Jen said. “I hear some assumptions being made. Elizabeth, do you feel anxiety? Is this something that you identify with?”

“I am not sure if anxiety is the right word. When I grew up, at least in the home I grew up in, we didn’t talk about this stuff. You didn’t talk about the things that hurt you. You just dealt with the pain and moved on,” Elizabeth dismissed the question. "I have always been a worrier. I have been since I was a child. I just figured out a way to deal with it that works for me."

Jen asked quietly, "and there were things in childhood that hurt you? You had pain you couldn't acknowledge or process?

Elizabeth looked at her hands, "Yes."

Jen, "Do you feel comfortable sharing them with Teddy? It might help her understand your choices."

Teddy sat and thought. Frankie and she had been extremely close to her father’s parents before their deaths, but rarely spent time with her maternal grandparents before they died when Teddy was in elementary school. Teddy never really gave it much thought and chalked it up to the distance. Her maternal grandparents lived in a small town in West Texas about six hours away. Clearly there was another reason.

"Your parents hurt you? Is that why we didn't spend a lot of time with them?" Teddy questioned.

"Yes, they hurt me, but that's not the reason I limited your exposure to them during your childhood," she replied, "I needed to protect the two of you from them. I couldn't allow them to affect you the way they affected me."

Elizabeth glanced at Teddy's face that awash in confusion and pain, "It wasn't a deliberate choice, Teddy Bear. At first, I just wanted to keep it from Frankie and you. I didn't want you to know about the ugliness of the world and how bad things could be. I wanted to be a better mother to you girls than I had." Teddy looked at her mother with tears in her eyes.

"I was trying to protect you and I ended up hurting you. Add it to the long list of my mistakes with you," she groaned.

"Protect me from what?" Teddy asked quietly.

"Life, me, your grandparents," she answered.

Jen watched as Teddy worked through her thoughts. “So why did we need to be protected from them?” Teddy asked.

Elizabeth glanced at Robert who squeezed her hand, “My childhood was ahem, difficult. I believe the term that would be used in clinical terms would be dysfunctional. I did not want to expose the two of you to that chaos and pain.”

“But whatever happened is why we never saw them, right? It’s the reason why you worry all the time?” Teddy asked. She observed her mother's face closely and saw the raw pain. "What are you feeling now Mama? What is going on in your brain?"

"So many thoughts, Teddy Bear," Elizabeth replied.

"Can you tell us one thought?" Jen prompted.

"Shame," the older redhead whispered.

"Shame about what?" Jen asked.

"Everything. It's all my fault. It has always been my fault." She closed her eyes tight and reached instinctively for Robert's hand. She grabbed it and took a deep breath.

"What's your fault Mama?" Teddy quizzed.

"It's my fault that my dad beat my mother. It's my fault that she stayed. It's my fault that she turned her anger onto me. It's my fault that I can't control these thoughts. It's my fault that I didn't know how to keep you from feeling this feeling too. It's my fault I wasn't a better mother. It's my fault that Frankie is gone. It's my fault that Chaz hurt you. It's all my fault, " she rambled, "I could have been so much better."

Robert pulled Elizabeth to him and hugged her tight. Teddy sat in stunned silence. She looked to Jen for guidance. She then moved to kneel in front of her mother. "Mama," she soothed as she put her hands on her mother's hands. "All of that isn't real. It's all lies that your anxiety is telling you. None of that was your fault- none of it." When her mother did not respond, she looked into her eyes and made a silly face. "I know this feeling, Mama. It's anxiety and it's not your fault- just like my anxiety isn't my fault either." Teddy glanced at her father and back at her mother. "I can help you, Mama. You can get help. You don't have to feel like this all the time. It can get better. I promise you."

"My baby shouldn't have to help me. I should be able to do it on my own," Elizabeth whimpered.

"Do you think I should be able to do it on my own, Mama?"

"Of course not, Teddy Bear," she placed her hand on Teddy's face.

"Then you shouldn't either. I am sorry I got so angry at you Mama," she confessed. "You know everything Mama. I just assumed that you knew this too. You are the smartest and strongest person I know."

"Oh, I am far from strong," she objected.

"You protected us from getting hurt by your parents. You took such good care of us. You take such good care of everyone." Teddy spoke firmly. "I had no idea, Mama. I had no idea. Please let me help you."

Elizabeth leaned down and kissed Teddy's forehead, "I love you, Theodora Bliss- my gift from God." Teddy stood up and gave her father a look. He smiled and scooted on the couch to make room for Teddy to sit next to her mother. Teddy took her mother’s hand in hers. “If I do need help, how does that work?”

Jen explained that she could recommend another counselor in her practice, “I’ve someone in mind that might be a good fit.” They discussed letting Elizabeth get a few sessions under her proverbial belt and reconvening as a family.

When they were outside of the office building, Teddy turned to her mother, “Was it as bad as you thought it would be?”

“I survived,” her mom chuckled softly.

“Okay, do you want some advice?” Teddy asked gently, “Or would that be overstepping?” Her mom nodded in affirmation. “Your anxiety will try to take back control of your mind. It does not like the idea of you healing in any way and will attack. Be prepared for it. When the negative thoughts start, talk to Daddy or call me. We can tell you if the thought is irrational. You will feel tired and sluggish even though you didn’t get outwardly emotional in there. This is all completely normal. Let Daddio take care of you, okay?” Teddy enveloped her in a hug, “I am so proud of you Mama.”

“We’ll see you at the game later, Teddy Bear,” he father interjected. He pulled Teddy into a bear hug, “Proud of you, baby girl. I absolutely couldn’t be prouder of you. Thanks for helping your mom.” Teddy sighed and relaxed into the hug and allowed the love contained within it to wash over her. She gave her mother a hug and got into her SUV.

Teddy started to drive and had driven for approximately thirty minutes in what essentially amounted to a circle. Her mind raced with thoughts of her mother and what could have possibly gone on in her childhood that prompted her desperate need to protect her children. She thought of her mother’s comment that it was her fault that Teddy had been abused by Chaz. Teddy felt a pang in her heart. “The irrational thoughts hit differently when they are attacking someone else,” she thought to herself. The image of Chaz floated into her consciousness and she contemplated the irrational thoughts she continued to have about him. The thoughts of shame, helplessness and unworthiness floated to the surface. She bit her lip and reflected back to something Jen had told in a previous session- “We cannot heal what we refuse to reveal” She thought of what she might happen if she were to reveal it to Tyler. Could he help her heal? Her first immediate thought was “Don’t do it. He’ll leave you.” It was almost comical and absurd in its irrationality. She smiled to herself, “No, he won’t.”

Her phone rang and she saw Tyler’s face pop up. She hit “accept call” and sighed, “Hey, Sweet One”

“Are you okay?” he asked casually.

“Yeah, just driving home,” she answered.

“Teddy, where are you?” Tyler asked, “You should have been back at least fifteen minutes ago.”

Teddy looked around and was momentarily confused, “Ummmm, I guess I have been driving on autopilot.” She took note of the landmarks and mentally calculated her time of arrival, “I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay, be safe,” Tyler replied.

“Tyler,” she said.

“Yeah,” he responded.

“I love you Sweetie,” she emphasized.

Teddy was relieved to see Tyler’s car in the garage when she arrived back at the house. She wiped the tears that had been flowing during the drive and put on a fake smile before she walked through the door. Jackie walked over and swallowed her into a hug, “How did it go?” Teddy relaxed into the hug and smiled.

Tyler walked in from the kitchen as Teddy answered, “Better than I expected. I need to find Tyler though.”

“I’m right here,” he said as he walked in from the kitchen carrying a tall travel mug of her coffee. “I thought you might need some Teddy juice after your session,” he smiled as he walked over to her. Teddy let go of Jackie and embraced Tyler as he held the mug away from his body. “Who knew coffee would get such a reaction?” he joked before looking down at Teddy. “Hey mom, can you work your mom magic on the girls? This shopping trip needs to get started soon if they are going to be finished before the game” he teased, “I am going to take Teddy for a quick chat,kay?”

He squatted a bit and then lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he carried her into the office. “See, you thought the office would never get used,” he smiled as he sat her on the desk. She instinctively rested her forehead on his chest. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. She shook her head no and then looked into his eyes.

“Fuck,” she moaned, "I don't want to talk about it, but I think I need to talk about it." He sat in the rolling chair and patted his lap. She crawled onto his lap and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Overall, it went well. It was a rocky start because my dad made a crack about you," she began slowly. Tyler raised an eyebrow. "Turns out that my dad thought we had hooked up the first night we met and then were hooking up last December," she sighed.

Tyler joked, "Well, that explains so much."

"I defended your honor quite vehemently," she laughed.

“Why thank you, Pretty One,” he smiled as he pushed her hair back.

"Once we got into the session, things improved. It seems as if my mother wasn't aware that the thoughts and feelings she felt would be labeled as anxiety. There is a lot of stuff that happened during her childhood that she never told me about which is why we didn't spend much time with her parents. My mom was trying to protect me," she spoke quickly. She took Tyler’s hands in her own, "My grandfather physically abused my grandmother and my mom feels responsible for it. She feels like what happened with Chaz is her fault as well."

“Oh, that’s a lot to hear at one time,” he maneuvered his hands to rub hers gently, “How are you feeling with all that info?”

"So that triggered a lot of shit for me," Teddy admitted. “The thing is my first instinct is to push it all down and not deal with it. That never works out for me in the end though. It always comes out in weird ways and I ended up hurting people I love. I think that the quote is ‘Hurt people hurt people”. She stared into Tyler’s eyes. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you. As much as I don’t want to have this conversation, I NEED to have it and I think you need to know everything. The question is do you want to have the conversation now? Rip the band-aid so to speak or wait until after the game? I mean we can wait until your family leaves. It’s up to you.”

Tyler looked down and contemplated his answer. There were pros and cons to each option. Ultimately, the need to end the uncertainty won out. “Let’s do it now,” he whispered. Teddy nodded her head, stood up and walked to close the door. She turned around and walked back to the desk. She sat on top of it and rubbed her hands on her thighs slowly. Finally he placed his hands on top of hers and stared at her. She took a deep breath and began.

“You know that I have anxiety. I’ve had it forever as far as I can tell. I haven’t been able to pinpoint any sort of traumatic event that produced it. It’s just the way I am. I guess it’s just the way my mother is too. As you also know, she and I have very similar coping skills, so who knows? Maybe I picked it up from her, maybe it’s genetic- it doesn’t really matter now. All I know is that I always felt different and weird. Now you, my Sweet One, are oddly attracted to that, but for most people, it’s a problem.”

“Hey, that’s not true,” he chided.

“What- that you are not oddly attracted to me or that is a problem for others?” she asked.

“Both,” he replied.

“Agree to disagree for the moment, at least the problem for others,” she smiled, “I am fairly certain that you are crazy about me, based on the evidence.”

“I will concede your point,” he smiled.

“Things were relatively normal until Frankie died in 2010. I had the anxiety, but was able to cope with and live a fairly average existence until she was ripped away from me. I had no clue how much I leaned on her. Anyway, it was my senior year of high school. I had my future planned out. I was going to go to Texas Tech and study architecture, eventually to work for my dad. After she was killed, everything changed. It was like my whole world got turned upside down. My parents were consumed with grief. My anxiety skyrocketed. I went from a stable, loving home with parents and a sister to basically fending for myself. You can imagine my mom as a parent before Frankie died. She did everything for us- not in that coddling way, but you know, right? Then after that, she couldn't be bothered. It was my senior year and suddenly everything was just gone." Tears streamed down her face. Tyler leaned forward and kissed her knees. Teddy ran her fingers through his curls and continued.

"I knew immediately that the plans to go to Tech had to be scrapped. Between my anxiety and my parent's grief, I knew that being six hours away in Lubbock wouldn't work. My dad pulled some strings and I got a late admission into SMU. I met Chaz through a classmate. He was a junior and was everything I was taught to look for in a man. Everything seemed perfect at first. He was the perfect gentleman. He doted on me. My parents seemed thrilled. For once, I felt- I don't know- wanted. I felt normal."

She looked down and made eye contact with Tyler. He gave her a grin, "You're doing great, Pretty One."

She took a deep breath, "Okay, I got to speed through this part. If you have questions, let me know."

He nodded and sat back in the chair. She began again, "I don't know how it started to go bad, but it did. At the time, I was really into church and determined to save myself for marriage. Don't laugh- I was very sincere at the time. When I steadfastly refused to sleep with him, the manipulation and gaslighting began. He slowly tore away at what little confidence I had. Suddenly he was angry all the time and nothing I did was right. 'Who would want to marry me?' he said. I was lucky that he even dated me. He just played into every weakness that I had exposed to him against me. Finally, I decided to just give in because I believed he was right. Nobody else would want me."

Tyler's forehead creased and he placed his head on her lap. His arms wrapped around her body and assured, "He was wrong. You know that, right?"

"On my good days, yes," she responded. "So I decided to sleep with him in the hopes that things would return back to how they were before. I didn’t know what else to do and it never occurred to me to break up with him. He was everything I was told I needed in a man. The first time was horrible. There was basically no foreplay at all.” Tyler sat up in disbelief and Teddy continued, “He kissed me a few times and then thrusted into me. It hurt so bad. I was confused because it wasn’t like the movies and my mother had never really told me what to expect. I knew it was supposed to hurt a little but not like that. Tyler, it hurt so bad.” She began to sob and he pulled her into his lap, enveloping her in a tight hug.

After a minute, she pushed herself up, “I have to finish. Chaz was so mad that I cried- so mad. He said such mean and awful things to me. It just made it worse. Like damn, I couldn’t even fuck right. Before I left to go home, he hit me for the first time.” Tyler’s jaw tensed and eyes flashed with anger. “I didn’t know what to do. Intellectually I knew it was wrong, but he made me like I deserved it. If I had just not cried, if I had been better at sex- all of this if flooded my mind. I didn’t have anyone to tell. I thought no one would believe me. The next morning he came to see me and was apologetic. He told me that it would never happen again. He had just lost control because I made him feel bad about the sex. So, like an idiot, I let him in and the cycle began. It just got progressively worse and more frequent. I tried everything. I did anything he asked. I focused entirely on him, but nothing made it better. Finally after about two years- it was happening almost daily. It finally came to a head.”

“Bish was in town for a game. My mother invited him over for dinner and Chaz was there. Chaz got insanely jealous of Bish. He thought I was flirting with him. He always thought I was flirting with other men. I mean it was so confusing- was a loser that nobody would want or was I a slut that everyone wanted? So after dinner, we were going into the living room and Chaz grabbed me and twisted my arm behind my back. He threatened to break it and Bish walked out and saw him. Of course, Bish says something to Chaz and Chaz immediately backed down like the coward that he was. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to make a scene at my parents, even though I should have, so I downplayed it. That night, when he got me alone at my apartment, it was the worst it had even been. I really thought he was going to kill me. Part of me wanted him to kill me. I mean, just get it over with. I thought the world would just be a better place without me in it. I just wanted the pain to end.”

Teddy looked at Tyler and tears fell from his eyes, “Pretty One- Teddy. You wanted to die? That’s how bad it was?”

“Yeah, that’s how bad it was,” she wiped his tears, “Thank God I didn’t though, huh?”

“Thank God, you didn’t,” he whispered.

“Almost done- promise,” she declared. “Bish comes to the apartment the next morning. He sees the evidence and tells me that I either tell my parents or he will. He drove me over and sat with me while I told my parents. I’ll never forget the look in my father’s eyes. It broke his heart. Of course, my anxiety just used it as another weapon to use against me. My father had the security team deliver all of Chaz's things from the apartment to him with the message not to contact me again. I was so stupid to think that we could co-exist."

Tyler tilted his head, "There's more?"

"The worst part," Teddy whispered.

"It gets worse?" He asked.

"Unfortunately," she replied, "Do you want me to stop?"

"No, rip the band aid off. I can handle it," he squeezed her hand.

“Two months later he and I ended up at the same party. Now most of my friends were actually his friends because he isolated from anyone that he couldn’t control. They generally took his side in the break-up because they didn’t know the truth. He spent the night trying to taunt me. He made a big show out of the girl he was dating. I suppose I was supposed to feel jealous, but I felt nothing but relief. I could see his seething anger below the smile and got scared. I left and went home. I guess he followed me and broke the door down when I refused to open it to him. The last thing I remember is running for my phone and him kicking in the back of my knee and falling into the corner of the coffee table.”

“What do you mean it’s the last thing you remember? Did you lose consciousness? What did he do to you ?” Tyler asked. His tone was a cross between agitated and terrified.

“I assume I lost consciousness at some point. I was also told that it is a possibility that I disassociated or my brain has blocked the trauma as a protection thing. Either way, I don’t remember the details and I don’t want to remember the details. I just know that at some point I was able to call 911 and they found me with my clothes torn off, bleeding. I was taken to the hospital where I was treated for broken ribs, abdominal bruising, a concussion, facial contusions/black eyes, vaginal/tearing. The worst part was the pelvic exam and collection of evidence. The complete and overwhelming shame knocked me on my ass. I couldn’t function for weeks. I had to take a semester off of school. Getting out of bed everyday was an insurmountable task. I was completely unrecognizable. Of course, nothing happened to Chaz, really. With enough money, everything can get swept under the rug. He pled to a misdemenor sexual assault and served no time. The judge did grant a permanent restraining order. My dad paid him to move out of the state and I haven’t seen him since.”

‘But how?” Tyler uttered.

“How what?” she countered.

“How did you get from there- not being able to get out of bed to “the take no shit” girl when I met you? Was it the therapy?” he asked. He looked into her eyes with a tenderness that was palpable. “What did you do?” he asked again.

Teddy sighed, “Well, first there was the medication. My mother, not knowing what to do, took me to the doctor to ‘fix me’. He put me on a prescription for anxiety medication and antidepressants. He referred me to a therapist who specializes in trauma. That’s who I still see regularly. From there, it was just a shit ton of work-self examination, cognitive behavior therapy, journaling, etc. You name it- I did it. Somewhere along the way I just found my will to survive. After I found that, I found my will to thrive. You just met me at a particularly strong time.”

“Lucky me,” he laughed.

“Not sure if you thought you were lucky the first day,” she laughed back, “but looking back, I think I knew then. I knew you were safe and I knew Lex was safe. Still had a ton of self doubt, but never doubted my safety with you.” The mood got serious again.

“You know I would never hurt you, right?” he paused.

“Yes, I know that,” she whispered.

“Do you feel better after telling me?” he asked.

“Not really,” she admitted, “I mean a little bit, maybe. I don’t know.”

He tilted his head and grimaced, “Really?”

“It helps from a ‘I don’t have to carry this secret inside of me’ and that weight has been lifted off of me. It helps because I think you can understand me more,” she admitted, “but it’s counterbalanced with the shame spiral that I am going to have to fight. Also now you have the weight of it to carry as well. I would give anything to keep that burden from you.”

“Pretty One,” he cajoled, “I asked you to tell me. I asked multiple times for you to tell me. It’s not a burden at all. Even if it were a burden, it’s not a burden you should carry alone. You don’t have to carry it alone anymore. Let me carry it for a while. Okay, my pretty one?”

“Do you regret it?” she asked quietly.

“Regret what?” he kissed her temple.

“Falling in love with me? She hesitated.

“Not for one second- not for one damn second,” he assured.

Jackie knocked softly on the door, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but I managed to wrangle the girls. They’ll be ready to go soon.” She looked at Tyler as he tried to discreetly wipe the tears from his eyes and then to Teddy who did the same. She gave a small smile and closed the door.

“Are you still up for shopping?” he asked- secretly wanting her to say no so they could spend the afternoon snuggled on the couch.

As if reading his mind, she responded, “As much as I want to snuggle with you on the couch, It will be good for me to get out and focus on getting to know your sisters. I know that all of you have an early flight tomorrow, but maybe we could go out to dinner after the game. Maybe we could spend the night at my apartment?”

He grinned, “Sleepover at your place sounds good.”

She reluctantly stood up and waited for him by the door. He walked over and wiped her remaining tears and kissed her forehead. She did the same before grabbing his hand in hers, she wrapped a hand around his bicep and they walked back into the kitchen. Candace and Cassidy were leaning on the kitchen counter, staring into their coffee cups. Teddy looked at them and laughed, “Are you even awake yet?” Both blondes continued to stare into space. Teddy looked at them and shrugged, “You know we don’t have to go shopping if you aren’t up for it. We could do mani/pedis instead then lunch?”

Tyler perked up, “Yeah, do that instead.” He knew that the change in itinerary would leave time for Teddy to join him for his pre-game nap.

“No boys at lunch though,” Candace said pointedly while looking at Tyler. “We have girl stuff to discuss and tea to spill.”

“There’s Tyler tea to spill?” Teddy laughed, “Do I even have to ply you with margaritas first?”

“Pretty One- don’t believe a word they say,” he laughed as stood behind Teddy and wrapped his arms around her body. “Seriously, don’t let anything they say get into your head. Promise me?”

Teddy looked back at him, “What exactly am I going to find out?”

“Nothing you don’t already know,” he sighed, “I was a selfish, slutty manwhore before you. Don’t let it get to you, Pretty One. Promise?”

There was something endearing about his insecurity given that he almost always projected self-assurance, but she felt the need to nip it in the bud.

She grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the office.

“Teddy, forceful, much?” he laughed, but stopped when he saw her face.

“Sweet One,” she started, “I don’t give a fuck about anything that they could potentially say to me. I know that you have a past and that some of it includes some pretty damn selfish behavior. It happened and I don’t care. I mean I care because selfish behavior is bad but that’s between you and the other person involved.”

Tyler frowned and looked down. She grabbed his chin and pulled it up. “What I do care about is how you treat me and you have never given me a reason to doubt you. I love you Tyler and I don’t give a damn about all the shenanigans that happened before me, got it? Do I need to say the words?”

He shook his head no.

“I mean it Tyler, I don’t care who you fucked before me as long as you are fucking me and only me now,” she stared into his eyes “Don’t get into your head Sweet One. You are not the same man as before. You are not a fuckboi anymore. You are honest and trustworthy. You are faithful and loving. You support me emotionally and know me better than anyone else on this planet. I love you and you love me. No stupid tea from high school will change that, okay?”

“Okay,” he gave him an impish grin.

“Good- now you need to be mentally prepared for the fact that Tipsy Teddy may arrive here after lunch or after the game. You know how she gets. You may have to sacrifice some dick later, just saying,” she called as she started to walk back to the kitchen.

“I can’t tell if that is a threat or promise?” Tyler laughed as he followed her back into the kitchen. Jackie looked up and smiled when she saw the two return light-hearted and care-free.

There were eye rolls and groans by Candace and Cassidy when Tyler followed them out to the car and bent over Teddy’s open window to kiss her before leaving. “Be safe and don’t get lost again,” he teased before kissing her cheek.

Tyler walked back into the kitchen and looked at his mom, “What?”

She pointed to the couch and he sighed deeply, “Mom……”

“Don’t ‘Mom’ me, Tyler,” Jackie replied, “We can talk here or we can get comfortable on the couch.”

“Fine,” he pouted before stepping over the back of the couch and plopping down, “You want to talk about the power play? Got a critique of my face-offs?”

“Tyler,” she chided, “Tell me why you were crying.”

“I’m fine now,” he tried to end the conversation quickly. She raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, I can’t tell you everything because it is Teddy's story to tell,” he said quietly. “Umm, you know that she has the anxiety thing. You saw it yesterday. Apparently, I threw an emotional hand grenade into her family by observing that her mother also has anxiety. They didn't discuss it or at least didn’t until today which resulted in Teddy’s anxiety attack and joint therapy session this morning.” He looked up at her and her face remained peaceful.

“What you don’t know is that Teddy was abused by a previous boyfriend. I knew there was physical abuse and there had been vague references in the past about a sexual assault, but no details. I waited until she was ready to tell me the details. She got triggered by the therapy session and today was the day to rip off that band-aid,” he said softly. His mind flooded with the images that Teddy’s words had implanted in his mind. He pictured how she was found and his eyes filled with tears. “Mom, it was BAD. She could have died. What would I have done if she had died?” he cried. She scooted to him on the couch and held open her arms. He climbed to her and placed his head on her shoulder. His body shook his silent sobs. He sat up and wiped his eyes, “How could anyone hurt her? She has never been mean to anyone that I know. I could kill him. I will kill him if he ever tries to hurt her again.”

“Shhhh, it’s okay now,” Jackie soothed. Her heart broke at his sorrow. She had tried to protect him from the ugliness of the world. Despite some of his worldliness, he was quite naive about the evil that lurked inside of people. “What else are you not telling me, Tyler?” she asked knowing that there was something else lurking under the tears.

“I got nervous about what the girls are going to tell Teddy at lunch. We don’t talk about it, but I do have a reputation. I’m not a saint and I have been selfish in the past. I was nervous that she was going to leave me,” he admitted. Jackie stared at him. “But she knows me, she knows that I was getting into my head and that’s why she pulled me away. She talked to me and reassured me. I don’t know why I get insecure about her, but I do. I have never been insecure about a woman in my life. She makes me want to be better. She deserves it. I’m rambling. I just love her so much.”

“You’ve never been insecure because you have never been in love before, Tyler,” Jackie soothed. “You loved other women, but not like this. You have never been this emotionally invested in someone, baby boy.”

Tyler gave an impish grin, “You’re right as always.”

At the nail salon, the trio were busy cracking each other with “What stupid thing did Tyler say?” stories. Teddy told the story of how her nickname of "Penis Person" came to be and how Tyler joked about getting tattooed above his ass.

Cassidy began joking about how she can't keep track of all the women Tyler had been with. "Let's face it, Candace. Our brother is the ultimate fuck boi." The comment was met with a raised eyebrow from Candace and a stone face from Teddy. "No disrespect meant to you, Teddy," she explained. Teddy's expression did not change. Cassidy looked to Candace who shook her head back and forth. "What?" the young blonde asked.

Teddy looked at Candace and then back to Cassidy. "Look, it's not my place to tell you how to treat your brother. I mean Frankie and I could give each so much grief, but there were areas that we knew not to touch." Teddy spoke deliberately, "I am going to tell you that there is a limit on disrespect I will tolerate about Tyler. You want to joke about silly things? Fine, I will join you, but don't call him a fuckboi."

"It is a sensitive area for him. He would never admit to either of you, but it would hurt his feelings to hear it. Please don't disrespect the man I love. He is too good to all of us for that," Teddy declared.

Cassidy and Candace blinked and nodded. Candace quipped, "He's not a fuckboi because he is soooooooo in love with Teddy. I swear to God, he does not shut up about you."

Teddy blushed, "He talks about me? What does he say?"

"What doesn't he say about you?" Candace said. "Teddy says this.Teddy says that. Teddy looked beautiful today. Teddy said the funniest thing. He talks about you non-stop."

Cassidy chimed, "He is crazy about you. You're the only one he talks about like a love sick puppy dog. Candace, remember how worried he was last year when Teddy had her panic attack?

Teddy balked, "He told you about that?"

Candace interjected, "He was worried and wanted advice on how to help you. I have a friend with anxiety so he asked in our group chat. He wants to keep you safe and happy."

Teddy looked down, "He really talks about me to y'all? How do I stack up compared to the other women?" Teddy looked up in shock at what just came out of her mouth.

"There is nothing to compare. He barely spoke about the others and only when asked," Candace stated.

"Even Bree?" Teddy asked.

"Bree? she replied.

"Remember? The girl from last season- the bitchy one…" Cassidy laughed.

Teddy laughed out loud, "Don't hold back Cass, tell us how you really feel."

"Oh I will. You'll know exactly where you stand with me," she replied.

By the time they finished lunch and returned home, they had planned a girl's trip for February. Tyler rolled his eyes as they discussed their plans. He playfully pouted. "Why can't I come?

Cassidy laughed, "No penis people allowed!"

Tyler turned to Teddy, "You told them? What other secrets did you reveal to my sisters?”

Teddy smiled and responded, "All the sex secrets" and started running up the stairs.

"EWWWWW, Teddy," Cassidy and Candace said in unison as Tyler took off after Teddy.

He caught up with her at the top of the stairs. Then he wrapped his arm around her waist, carried into his bedroom and threw her on the bed with a thud. He started tickling her sides, "Spilling sex secrets, eh. Which secrets did you spill? That thing you do with your tongue and the tip? What about how you like to have sex in other people’s homes?"

"None," she laughed uncontrollably, "Just the penis person one which wasn't really a secret at all. You said it yesterday at lunch. I just told them the origin story. I promise your sex secrets are safe with me."

He smiled and kissed her neck tenderly. "Pretty One, I know I am safe with you," he said softly and the mood suddenly changed.

"Do you?" Teddy said softly.

"I do," he whispered into her ear.

"I'm glad that you feel safe with me. You didn't feel safe before? With the others?"

"No,' he sighed, "Never like this. I couldn't show them everything. Not that they wanted to see any way."

"Well then it's a good thing you found me who is noisy and wants to see everything," she scoffed as she ran her fingers through his curls, "Don't worry. I will keep you safe from all of those dangerous women."

"Please do," he laughed as he pulled her into a spoon position, "I need your protection."

"Just my protection?" she yawned.

"I need your everything," he yawned in return.

"I love you, Sweet One," she said drowsily, "but you need sleep. I need sleep. Remember Tipsy Teddy is coming out tonight"

“I’ll get my dick ready,” he laughed.

#Magical Mystery Ride #tyler seguin imagine #tyler seguin fic #nhl imagine #nhl fics #nhl fiction #dallas stars imagine #dallas stars fic

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darkacademicfrom2021 · 3 years

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Flufftober - Day 31

31 - Holiday Traditions

Continuation of Fireworks.

Pairing: Loki & gn!reader (+Bucky, Wanda & Peter)

Word count: 500

Trigger warnings: mentions of PTSD, Peter having a panic attack over fireworks.

A/N: I can't BELIEVE I wrote for every single day of this event. Like, every single day. I haven't written so much in so long, I'm so egocentrically proud lmao. Anyway, enjoy this last one, although I'm gonna start joining challenges more often because it was a nice escape from reality. Happy november!

Christmas had become a way for Loki to spend time around his favourite group of people.

He knew, every year, that no matter how bad things seemed to be outside, there was always a spot for him at the library couch, some ice cream and an increasing amount of people each time.

You were the first one to use the place. When you were just a little kid, and you experienced Christmas in a terrifying way; Tony grabbed you in the air and ran to the least noisy place in the whole compound, wrapping his arms tightly around you until you stopped shaking. Since then you spent Christmas in that place, accompanied by JARVIS, the noise-cancelling earbuds and a good book.

After the Avengers assembled, Wanda used to come and go, according to how she would feel about the fireworks, but she also enjoyed spending time around the group, so she finally decided to stay outside. Since Bucky and Steve arrived, they were immediately invited by you. You’ve heard about post-war PTSD and didn’t hesitate in assuming they would appreciate the offer; and they did. Steve didn’t actually mind being around fireworks, as much as he remembered the horrible parades; but Bucky had terrible flashbacks that required immediate isolation. At that time, he still didn’t trust himself enough to be around triggers and people. After many years he learnt to be himself again, and he allowed himself to still avoid the triggers, but this time around you, and making this Christmas-in-the-library event a holiday tradition. He would go get food and go back down with you and whoever was joining you.

For many Christmases, Loki had found solace in your arms, reading in silence from the same book. Talking through a broken sign language with Bucky, Wanda and you, and playing board games.

One night, as Loki walked into the library, ready to cheat on every single board game and eat enough ice cream to make his skin turn blue, he stopped dead in his tracks as he felt a spiderweb fall right into his hair. He looked up in amusement, finding the Spider Boy curled up in a corner of the roof, shaking and crying.

“Peter?”, he called him. “Boy, come here”.

Peter jumped from his position to fall right into Loki’s arms, and Loki catched him like a lost kitty falling from a tree. He hugged him tightly and comforted him in his arms until Peter stopped shaking. He placed his pair of earbuds on him and did his best to ignore the fireworks. He gave him ice cream and waited for you to arrive, and when everyone else was finally in there, you welcomed him to the group and Christmas kept going with a new member of the team.

Taglist: @lucywrites02 , @louieboo87 @the-departed-potato , @jesuswasnotawhiteman , @idontknow296 , @beksib , @spythoschei , @geekwritersworld , @whatafuckingdumbass , @mysticunicorn7 @shadowolf993 , @joscelyn02 , @t00-pi , @selfship-mishaps , @sallymagnoliaposts , @deadgirl88 , @theonewiththenerds , @vicmc624 , @spiderlaufeyson @theaudacitytowrite @bi-andready-tocry @alorev @justasmisunderstoodasloki @i-beg-your-pardon-laufeyson @theetoastyghosty @lokiprompts @sarahpaq08 @lostgreekgod

#loki and peter parker #loki x reader #loki #loki laufeyson #loki fanfic #loki odinson #loki fic #loki & bucky barnes #flufftober2021

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quokkacore · 3 years

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nct ot23 as things that happened to me during quarantine

a/n: i know i said i was on hiatus bc of my computer but this was short and easy to make so 💀

warnings: language and brief mentions of porn and a panic attack

ten: spoiled a death from attack on titan for my younger sibling because they kept annoying me while i was trying to watch say yes to the dress

johnny: straightened my hair and parted it down the middle before realizing i looked like ozzy osbourne and then cried

taeyong: tried painting with watercolors to relax, got stressed out because i didn't like it and never finished the painting

jeno: tried to reality shift the night before my sat because i wanted to go to a reality where i still had time to study. it didn't work and i still got a shitty score

renjun: angry cried and texted my friend to rant for 20 minutes at 4 in the morning because the y/n in the fic i was reading ended up with her manipulative ex boyfriend instead of his best friend

jisung: watched feet porn at 3 in the morning because i couldn't sleep and wanted to know what the big deal was

yuta: made a meme of italian xiaojun because i made a typo and wrote "ciaojun" instead

jungwoo: tried a workout named "mikasa ackermann abs workout", finished one set out of seven and then cried

xiaojun: got laid on by my dog during said "mikasa ackermann abs workout" and was unable to finish my sit ups

mark: fought a cockroach in my bathroom at 3 in the morning the first night of the us election. my underwear was still down and i didn't have time to pull it up so i struggled trying to kill it for a solid three minutes while waddling like a toddler

doyoung: almost had a panic attack but stopped it by impulse cleaning my bathroom

sungchan: danced around my house to irish music while i was home alone because i wanted to Feel Something again

haechan: made a dramatic journal entry three weeks into the stay at home orders because i thought it would only last one long week and i missed taking the bus

jaehyun: made a playlist in my journal titled "everything is on fire but at least i have good taste" in november

hendery: let out a VERY loud, long fart in the middle of a serious conversation with my family, causing my dad to get mad at me

jaemin: tried to learn chinese. gave up half an hour later because i got extremely confused trying to hear the difference in the tones. i ended up watching boom fancams instead.

shotaro: spent a solid three days listening EXCLUSIVELY to jaehyun's cover of a whole new world. i cried like twice

kun: tried to adjust my shirt while talking to my mom and younger sibling. my boob decided to pop out and i haven't been able to live it down since

yangyang: impulse started a writing blog and to this day my most popular piece is low key furry porn

winwin: got woken up at five am on a sunday morning because there was a helicopter hovering right above my neighborhood??? it circled over like three times and i still dont know why

chenle: showed my friend a ton of red velvet mvs because she wanted to know more about kpop and spent fifteen minutes shit talking SM even though she low key had no idea what i was talking about

lucas: tried to curl my eyelashes with an eyelash curler because i wanted to ✨feel pretty✨ but my hand slipped and i ripped out like twelve eyelashes on accident

edit: as of august 30th 2024 any mentions of the bad man have been removed

#nct #nct 127 #nct dream #wayv #kpop scenarios #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct reactions #i was bored okay

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faemoira-firebeard · 3 years

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Self-image

I've struggled with my self-image over the last few years, I think everyone struggles at some point in their life.

When I started psych meds no one spoke to me about side effects -aside from weight gain. I expected to gain a bunch of weight and I did, 315 pounds at my heaviest in 2018. I never expected to lose my teeth or my hair. My teeth started decaying in my mouth, my bones became brittle... hell, I even lactacted at multiple points while trying to figure out my med-cocktail. Side effects are no joke.

My teeth finally got so bad that they simply began crumbling when I ate, nerves were exposed in multiple places. My dentist finally suggested an extraction but I needed to go to an oral surgeon to have it done. It took three visits, lots of panic attacks -dental related ptsd issues- a special spotify playlist, ear buds and an orbee-stress-balloon. The final extraction was in November 2019, I haven't seen myself in the mirror since.

I lost nearly 75 pounds over the next year and a half and have been holding steady at 235 for 3 months. Sure, weightloss is great, but not when you can't see you. No, it wasn't all from not having teeth either, life happened and A LOT of that was stress. I also have zero appetite because of my medications. Sometimes it'll be 1130 at night before I think to myself and realize, "I haven't eaten anything today."

You'd think that I would have been able to see myself somewhere looking back at me in the mirror. I mean, they had my eyes, they moved when I did, it was clearly me in the mirror... They're so small though... a sunken hollow looking face... such a sadness in the person looking back at me... "That's not me"... the whispers taunting me from the shadows weren't any help either.

A few months ago I got a call from my childhood dentist. He wanted to give me back my smile. Today I picked up my teeth, he did a few final fit adjustments to the plates and I put them in. He had to remove his glasses cuz he got a little teary eyed when he gave me the mirror.

It was me, there I was just staring back at me. I touched my face and so did they.

I smiled and lost my breath.

"oh hai" and the tears began to fall.

TWO YEARS of mirror avoidance, mask selfies and just hiding from that stranger looking back at me. I've only recently opened up to my therapist about my struggle with self-image as she's never seen me without a mask on nor has she known me as heavy as I was. I never realized it was such a battle until recently.

Today, I saw me. Healthier looking -yes, I'm crying again- my cheeks aren't sunken in, my lips have shape again. Sure, my face and body is thinner, but I saw myself. I saw me in the mirror. I see me in the selfies I've taken. I'm still here, I was just hiding.

Fae is back bitches, I've missed them for a long long time. Time to spend the next couple weeks relearning how to speak properly. Dentist suggested listening to music and just singing along.

I'm also letting my mouth re-adjust before attempting "solid" food, it's going be a task to learn how to eat again... ya'll have no idea how badly I want a salad, nice fresh romaine, spinach, cherry tomatoes and cucumbers.

#self acceptance #self image #body dysmorphia #face dysmorphia #mental health awareness #dungeons and therapy #medication side effects

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indestinatus · 5 years

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The Reunion

(Cairo - chapter 2/4)

chapter 1

The streets were long and broad, carrying illustrious names. They’re macadamed and crowded dwellings were located on both sides, with terraces and decorated gates beside long colorful windows with shutters and intricate tapestries swaying in the wind.

The smell of burning fuel and perfume filled the air, as well as strong spices, coriander, cardamom, cumin, and chili, coming from hidden stalls. Vendors shouted various prices and foreign names, and people were busy buying jewelry, clothes and other goods to pay too much attention to anything.

Faint exotic music could be heard from the distance if you trespassed the main market limits and went deeper into the old streets of the city. Sand covered the cobblestones and the heat hugged your body, worse due to the crowd and limited space.

A woman crossed the market plaza swiftly, a blueish cloth protecting her face from the heat and sand. Her dark brown eyes were the only thing visible, and if you looked closer, they were sharp as a knife. She kept her head down as she walked, but her pace was confident and fast.

She'd just took down three men sent by the woman who wanted her dead.

Her name was Sahar.

Loud bells rang from the main chapel, marking three in the afternoon.

It was the 21st of November 2016. Cairo, Egypt.

Ziva David was afraid.

All she could think about was if Tony had seen the message she left on the back of the photo of them in Paris along with Tali's things six months ago.

If he did, he would've already been here. He would've already contacted her. And they would've have one last chance. A chance for her to explain everything, or at least try to.

If he didn't, it was already too late. Since she faked her death in Tel Aviv back in June, everywhere she went, she'd sense she was being watched. Just this week in Cairo, she'd tracked down almost fifteen killers sent by Sahar.

Tonight was her last chance of seeing Tali.

She spent the whole day wiping out the remaining men so that if her family came tonight, they'd had a small hope of safety. Time was running out.

Ziva crossed the street which led to the hotel she was staying. She'd only chosen it because the rooftop was the highest one nearby. Easier for her to take watch, worse for snippers to do their job.

She entered the main hall in a hurry, eager to get to her room. She'd already disposed of the knife but wanted to watch from above if there was any commotion on the streets.

If there was any sign of them.

"Ms. Rainier!" a voice stopped her just in front of the elevator. Oh lech tiz-day-en, what now?

She turned around slowly, the cloth still covering half her face, but the concierge sure saw the deadly haze her eyes carried.

"I-I'm so-sorry, miss, I know you've asked for the utmost disc-cretion," said the short man, sweat covering his forehead, "but there's a gentleman demanding to see you. His name is Jean-Paul. He says he's your husb-band."

Jean-Paul. Jean-Paul Rainier.

"Of course, thank you."

Jean-Paul and Sophie Rainier were the married assassins they portrayed in the undercover operation, a lifetime ago. Ziva always joked with him that if they had another life, perhaps they'd have a chance together. She never knew if he'd remember that.

Apparently, she was wrong.

"Where is he?"

"He's right there, miss. With the stroller."

Ziva turned around. Their eyes met.

It's strange. When someone's very important and you haven't seen them for a long time, as soon as you do it's easier to breathe.

Tony swayed Tali's stroller slowly, a duffel bag hanging from his shoulder. He looked older, more mature. For a moment, they only stared blankly at each other, the world slowing down.

Then Tony looked upwards and sighed heavily, shoulders going down. He looked back at her again, and his eyes were different.

There were tears.

"You sure are difficult to find, sweetcheeks."

Ziva let out a harsh laugh, but her feet couldn't step closer.

Why is that the more you have to say, the harder it is to speak?

"You look tan," she said.

"You look tired," he answered, "almost as if you just came back from the dead."

His eyes looked hurt for a second, "sorry, I had to-"

"Is she-"

"She's sleeping."

Ziva nodded, she didn't know where to start. Even after rehearsing again and again what to say to him, her mind was now blank.

Tony motioned with his head to the elevator, pushing Tali's stroller that way.

Ziva's breath caught in her throat when she saw her daughter sleeping in it. She was sucking her little thumb and holding Kelev tightly.

She was safe. She was cared for. She was loved.

"Yeah, I know," said Tony, "she snores so peacefully, doesn't she? Just like her mother."

Ziva's eyes shot up at that. He was smiling, that boyish DiNozzo smile. Her heart plummeted with the sight.

"You said I snored like a drunken sailor with emphysema."

"Oh, she remembers. Also, you got worse, you used to understand sarcasm in the English language."

They shared a brief laugh when the elevator doors closed, but it didn't last long.

"Sophie Rainier, really?"

"I did not think you would remember."

"I remember everything," his eyes were watching her as if he wouldn't let her leave again. Ziva was looking at Tali.

"I know."

They arrived at her floor and she tried to open the door, but her hands were trembling. Too many meds today.

"Here, let me help," said Tony, grabbing the keys from her hand. His fingers touched hers lightly and her breath caught again. Ziva had dreamed for too long about this moment. Seeing, touching him again. Both of them.

He noticed.

Tony opened her door and let Tali's stroller inside the room. It wasn't big, there was a closet, a bathroom, a double-sized bed and a small suitcase in the corner. The windows, however, were huge, with a beautiful view of the market streets of Cairo below and the pyramids in the distance.

The atmosphere was heavy. Tony gently took Tali out of the stroller and laid her in the bed, putting the duvet over her. She didn't even move, it was like he'd done that many times.

Ziva also wasn't moving. She was as still as a statue, paralyzed with the image of Tony taking care of their daughter. Yes, she'd seen photos of them quite frequently, but she didn't want to think so much about how he would manage to do that.

Now she knew.

It is my job to protect you, Ziva.

Handle with care, contents priceless.

I know you want to change. I can change with you.

He loved Tali just as he loved her all these years.

Ziva kneeled on the floor, hot tears spilling down her cheeks, hands trembling along with her whole body rocking back and forth. Everything was darkness, and she suddenly felt very cold. Her chest hurt as if her heart was ripped from it and shoved back in right after.

Panic attack. Panic attack. Her mind roared.

"I'm sorry, Tony, I'm so sorry," she said again and again.

"Shhhh, it's okay. Hey, it's okay," he answered, whispering softly in her ear as his strong arms held her close to his chest, "we're okay, Ziva. Me and Tali, we're okay, just like you said. Breathe."

Her breathing slowed down after a couple of minutes, his arms still holding her against him, his hand caressing her hair. They were still at the ground.

"Hey," he said, grabbing her chin and lifting her eyes to look at him, "I know you, Ziva. I know you better than you know yourself."

Brown eyes blinked when green ones didn't look away.

"I just need to understand," he said, kissing her temple and still cradling her gently against his chest.

Ziva took a deep breath and let her body relax in his arms. She looked at Tali, sleeping in the bed. She couldn't face him while telling this.

"One day... One day I was ambushed in Israel, Tali was home, and I was in the streets to get her a new crib. Two men attacked me. I managed to bring them down, and learn from one of them they were sent by a woman to kill me. Her name was Sahar. That same day I packed all Tali's things and contacted Adam..."

"Adam? That Adam, the same Adam?"

"Yes, he's helping me. He's the only one who knows about Tali and Sahar."

"He knew about Tali?"

And Tony didn't. Ziva didn't let her own father know.

"He knew once I needed help. He helped me to get Tali to Ori so she could give her to you. You're the only one I trust to keep her safe, Tony."

Ziva could feel his chest go up and down, sense him processing all her mistakes.

"Okay. Go on," was all he said.

"I left a message in the back of a photo of us in Paris. It was all I could do without anyone suspecting that I was still alive."

Tony let out a sharp laugh, "I almost didn't read it in time."

"But you did."

"But I almost-"

"Tony," she said, looking up to him again. His eyes were troubled as if losing her was worse than betrayal, "they still follow me, wherever I go. She wants me dead. She's watching me like an eagle."

"Hawk."

"What?"

"Nothing," he appeared amused.

"Tali... Tali can't stay with me. She needs you. And before you ask, you cannot. You cannot help me, she needs at least one of her parents..."

"Alive."

"Yes."

Tony sighed heavily, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you come to me when you found out about her? Why didn't..."

"I didn't deserve you, Tony. And you deserved more than a broken woman with a horrible past and a difficult future. I was terrified you were going to be furious and time passed and everything turned more complicated and...

"Ziva...," he said, one hand moving to hold her face and his eyes closing, chest heaving several times, "Ziva, if I knew you were pregnant, I would've been there in a second."

She let her forehead rest on his, eyes closing as well. Silent tears ran down her cheeks again, as she started to think about all that didn't come to pass.

"Tony, I-"

"Abba...?"

Ziva's body tensed again.

"It's okay, sweetcheeks, come here. Someone wants to see you."

Sweetcheeks. The term of endearment he used with her was the same he used with his daughter. Their daughter. It was like a hard slap in the face.

Tali hopped to the ground, still holding Kelev. Ziva gaped at her silently, not daring to breathe. She didn't know if she'd recognize her.

Tali drew closer, her little fingers going up to Ziva's face. She traced her nose, cheeks and mouth, going down to her hair and her bare neck. The necklace she used to grasp as a baby was not there.

Tali pulled something from inside her shirt and squeezed, then framed Ziva's face again. The Star of David. Tony gave it to her, Ziva's necklace. Tears continued to stream down her face.

"Ima...?"

Ziva let out the breath she was holding and wiped her tears swiftly.

"Yes, Tali, it's me. It's Ima."

"Ima!" she said, arms gripping Ziva's neck, demanding to be pulled to her chest.

"Oh, mon Coeur," her mother answered, kissing her hair, nose, cheeks, everywhere she could. She missed her so much, too much.

Strong arms embraced both of them, and Tony kissed Ziva's hair.

"Zee?"

"Hum?"

"How much time do we have?"

Ziva sighed, brought back to reality, "Tonight. And maybe tomorrow morning."

To be a family. A few hours to finally be a family, was all they had.

"Are you going to the opera?"

"Yes."

"Can we come with you?"

Ziva kissed Tali once more as she giggled sweetly in her arms.

"Yes."

Tony smiled as a weight lifted off his shoulders. She'd let him in. She'd finally let him in. He had both of them for the first time. He had the love of his life and the proof of their love in his arms, if only for a moment. He had a family.

"Then it's a date."

chapter 3

#ncis #tiva #tivali #ncis spoilers #ziva david #tony dinozzo #tali david dinozzo #my fics #you know what i didnt like this chapter so much #but at least i could come up eith a few things to explain some plot holes #i hope you dont mind the non canon #anyways #consider this a filler chapter #ALSO NOW IS FOUR IN TOTAL YAY #this got bigger than i've originally envisioned #will write chapter 3 now #could do a whole book about these two #tiva fanficition

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