#i haven't felt like this in a while. i hate feeling so fucking lonely

[celticwoman]

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[lovelettered]

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[chososdiscordkitten]

✫Escort!Toji✫

MDNI

Pairing: Escort!Toji x Afab!Reader content: some plot, no use of y/n, reader is a frustrated office worker, toji fucks ur coworkers, reader masturbates to thoughts abt toji, reader isnt a virgin, sub!reader, toji is a bully, teasing, brief oral (f receiving) orgasm denial if u squint, manhandling, missionary n doggy, spanking like once, rough, HE SPITS IN READERS MOUTH, no aftercare:( multiple orgasms (f & m) Toji contemplates stealing ur money ,proofread ONCE

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You found yourself on your lunch break with your female coworkers, in the cafe below the offices you worked at. Only having worked there a week or so, new to the city and lacking friends.

Quiet as they spoke of their full lives while they ate their sandwiches. Older divorced women with a few kids, you didn't really fit in with them. They were elegant women, experienced in life and sure of what they wanted out of it.

You sat surrounded by them, your hands on your mug of coffee as they spoke about mortgages and how there's a stomach bug going around the school.

One of them called your name, pulling you from your thoughts as you looked up at them, “Do you have a husband?” One of them asked, seeing your face fall.

“No i don't-” you spoke up, seeing a few of them smile when they heard you.

“And a boyfriend?” another asked.

“No-” you tried saying.

“But you're so pretty! New play thing in the city- how could you not have a boyfriend?” One of them asked.

Their questions were not to get to know you. Their voices coated in passive aggressiveness.

“Speaking of- I found a new rent-by-the-hour companion.” one of them chirped, pulling her phone out and showing them a picture.

Forgetting the past conversation as you started to gather your belongings.

Hearing the women swoon over the picture, “This one, he's different. He gets down to it like no other. And he's not nice like the others are. He fucks like he hates you.” you heard her say as you walked away. 

You had heard rumors that this city was littered with “companions” for lonely women and men. It didn't take long for you to hear the older women of the office talk about them.

Trading videos and pictures like they were pokemon. If you were being honest, you found it strange. But you knew why people would pay.

You knew what that kind of loneliness felt like. How good it feels to touch another person. To feel their warmth. But your morals couldn't let you hire one. Not desperate enough to have sex with a stranger.

The next few days the ladies of the office kept praising this new wonder of a man. On one occasion seeing his picture, seeing that this wonder of a man was actually attractive.

For weeks you kept hearing more and more. This one man sticking longer than the others did. Hearing their descriptions of his body, of his cock. It got to the point that you contemplated filing a sexual harassment claim with HR, but knowing that the women had seniority, and one of them was head of the HR department.

You knew filing the complaint would bring on more harm than good. So you kept quiet, practically forcing yourself to listen to these conversations.

One day after your lunch break, one of the nicer women called your name. Asking you to wait up. “How are you feeling, hon?” she asked, her face showing genuine worry for you.

“I’m okay, just haven't been able to sleep all that great.” You replied, eyebags showing through your makeup.

“Here, hold on.” she said, pulling out her notepad and writing something down, “This is Toji’s phone number- he's helped me sleep like no other.” She smiled, handing you a piece of paper.

“He's always taking on new clients.” she smiled, hand on your shoulder as you looked at the paper. “If you're ever looking for a companion for a few hours.” She finished, walking past you and disappearing between the cubicles.

You looked down at the paper, grimacing as you read the numbers, seeing ‘Cash only’ written below it.

That paper sat on your nightstand for weeks. Not wanting to throw it out incase of an emergency. Living in the new city without friends was rough. The only things that filled your days were work and sleep.

You had thought back to the one time you had sex, your first year in college with a drunk frat guy. Didn't last longer than 10 minutes, feeling disgusted at his sweaty body on top of you.

“Companion for a few hours huh.” you thought out loud, looking over at the paper. The exhaustion of your job eating away at you. Not even being able to please yourself late at night. It was frustrating, celibacy was frustrating.

Until one night you tried to masterbate, porn not doing anything for you and thoughts of this Toji guy flooded your brain. Remembering how they described him. Tall and muscular. How he ate them out with so much fury.

Feeling your heartbeat rise and a heat shiver down your core. Closing your eyes and picturing the photo they passed around. That was the first time you had come since moving there. Right after you thought you'd give it a chance, not satisfied with your hand and wanting to feel warmth.

Besides, everyone is doing it right? Would it be so bad if you tried it once? 

Your shaky thumb typed in the phone number, pressing messages as you typed. ‘Hello, I got your phone number from my coworker, Agatha. Just wanted to see if you were available for service.’ You typed, cringing at how formal it sounded.

And you always hated texting, especially new people. Pressing send as you instantly regret your decision. A few minutes passed, fiddling with your fingers to see if he would respond.

A ding came from your phone as you flew to open it. Only seeing a link to the maps app. Opening it and seeing directions for a love hotel, ‘Friday, 8PM.’ another message dinged as your eyebrows rose.

You gulped, wondering if you were going to be trafficked or murdered by a strange man just because you didn't have patience to try and find a partner. It was wednesday evening, knowing that your nerves wouldn't be settled for two whole days made you uneasy.

The lack of his care of who you were or what you looked like also made you realize that it really was just for money. 

The next day was horrible, the feeling in your gut didn't settle. Hearing how highly the women spoke of him. “Last night he was taking me from the back, and I felt him move and I looked back to see him texting someone!” she exclaimed, somehow it was a compliment.

But you felt your heart stop knowing that he was messaging you while fucking your coworker. That evening you couldn't sleep. Picking your phone up and looking at the love hotel location again. You felt uneasy, like anticipation was building inside of you but not in a good way.

Friday came flying in, the work day was slow. So slow that you swore that everytime you looked at the clock it went back five minutes. You finally got off at 5:30, walking home to prepare.

Taking a hot bath as you thought of how badly this could go. Getting out and blow drying your hair, getting ready as though it was a first date. Lotioning your entire body as you waited for your clothes to finish drying. Dragging a darker lipstick on your lips, spraying perfume on your wrists and spreading it to the back of your ears. Putting on the warm clothes fresh out the dryer.

Looking into the mirror before leaving, getting a ding on your phone as you gathered your keys. ’Ask for me at the desk.’ it read. 7:37 on the clock as you walked out.

Your cheeks were warm while walking to the uber you ordered, so if he was a creep, he wouldn't know what car you drove. Wallet stuffed with cash as you didn’t know how much he would charge you.

The driver made a face at you through the rear view mirror, seeing the name of the hotel from the window. You stepped out, looking at the tall building and seeing the glass doors. Walking inside to be greeted by the front desk.

Smile on their face as they asked how they could help you, “I'm looking for Toji’s room?” you asked, looking at the small sign on the desk that showed the prices per hour to rent the rooms. Seeing her look down to the computer and look through the reservations.

“4th floor, room 203.” She smiled, her hand pointing you to the elevators. 

You started to feel the lower part of your stomach churn, seeing the numbers flash on top of the elevator as it took you up floor by floor.

The doors beeped open as your eyes laid on the dim hallway. Red colored doors as you walked passed them hearing muffled sounds of moans coming from them.

Your heart was pounding as you walked past room 200. Stepping passed room 202, inhaling sharply before standing in front of room 203. Your hand hesitated to knock, flinching your wrist back before knocking three times.

You heard heavy footsteps walking towards the door, hearing the lock come undone and seeing the black door handle turn. You gulped, eyebrows furrowed as you waited for the door to open. Blinking and seeing him.

A giant of a man before you. Face stern as his eyes scanned you. His eyebrows furrowed, not expecting you to be much younger than his usual clients. “Toji?” you asked, looking up to his face as you noticed a scar on his lip.

“Come in.” He demanded, his voice deeper than you expected, letting go of the door and leaving a small space for you to walk through. You swallowed, stepping past the entrance and leaving your doubts at the door.

Eyes scanning the clean room, lights dim and the curtains open. Flinching when you heard him close the door. “I charge per hour.” He spoke up, walking up behind you as his hands went to your coat. Causing you to slightly jump.

His hands pulled your coat off of you, hanging it on one of the hooks behind the door. “Or per service if that’s what you prefer.” He spoke close to your ear, sending shivers down your spine.

“Whichever is fine.” You mumbled, feeling his massive hands rest on your hips, guiding you to the bed. You sat down on the edge, looking up at him as he looked down at your curled eyelashes. He kneeled down to your feet, his hands going to your shoes, slipping them off slowly as you watched him.

Rolling down your knee high socks and tossing them. His hands sliding up your calf as he reached for your skirt, “How do you want it.” He stated, it wasn't a question, he sounded like he already knew the answer.

“Want…It?” you asked, feeling his hands go up your thighs slowly. 

He leaned over, smirk on his face as he whispered in your ear. “How do you want me to fuck you.” He clarified, you felt his hand slip past the hem of your skirt, kneading the plush of your thighs.

“Gentle, please.” You whispered back, feeling his body stiffen at your response. Only being used to women telling him they wanted it rough. He pulled back, looking at you in your eyes. Noticing the features on your face.

His hand going closer to your core, pulsating already from his words. He leaned you back, landing on your elbows as you propped yourself up to see him, his free hand tracing down your side down to the zipper on the side of your skirt.

His thick fingers slowly pulled it down as slipped your skirt down. Toji’s hand guiding it down to your ankles, hands sliding up and settling on your knees. His eyes make eye contact with the wet spot forming in your panties.

He spread your thighs, leaning in closer and blowing cool air to your clothed cunt. A needy whine escaped your lips, he leaned in. His tongue slipped past his lips as he licked at the wet spot. Making you almost jump.

A smile on his lips seeing how reactive you were. His hand came up from your thigh, leaning his head back as his thumb dragged from the bottom of your now soaked pantied, up to your clit. You shivered.

“I haven't even done anything and you're already this wet?” he asked, voice low as you whined. Toji’s thumb teasing the tip of your clit as the other held your hip in place.

All you wanted was to grind down on his teasing fingers. But his strong hand wouldn't let you. You could feel the mess in your panties soak down to your ass, back arched as he teased your clit.

“Don't tell me you're already gonna cum just from this?” his tone soaked with cockiness, smile on his face as he teased you, you couldn't let out any words, feeling his thumb rub against you harder as he kissed at your thighs.

Only letting out small moans at his teasing. Toji felt your leg shake against his side, knowing your orgasm was close.

“How pathetic.” he cooed, seeing you buck your hips up against his thumb, seeing white behind your eyes as he degraded you. Cumming at his cruel words. So pent up that it didn't take much for your first orgasm. He smiled, seeing you come undone by nothing.

His fingers traced up to your hips, pulling your panties down, the wet cloth sticking to your cunt as he exhaled, pleased seeing you squirm. His cock throbbed in his pants, seeing your glistening cunt. Clit blushed and practically begged him for attention.

“Oh, this simply won't do.” he said, clicking his tongue as his index finger traced your lips as he tried pressing it into your pulsating cunt. 

Feeling a thick finger slide past your entrance, lip in your teeth as you felt Toji’s thumb on your clit again. The rest of his hand firm on your tummy as he circled it slowly.

You hissed feeling his finger curl up, you knew you said gentle but this was agonizing. This wasn't gentle anymore, this was tortuous. He watched as you arched your back, pulling his finger out and looking at your face. His eyes half lidded as he held it before him.

“Open your mouth.” He demanded, his thumb rubbing firm circles on your clit, soft whines from your lips at his words. Your eyebrows curled upwards, opening your mouth slightly as you saw his hand come closer to your mouth.

Placing it on your plush lips, feeling your own juices on your lips as he pressed it in. Your lips closed around it as your hand went up to his wrist. Holding the side of his palm as you sucked on his thick finger. Moans from your mouth vibrating around it. Tasting yourself on him.

His face was decorated with a sinister smirk. Seeing how eager you were. Toji slowly pulled his finger out of your mouth, seeing how you licked it clean. Tilting his head slightly as it went down again, this time pressing his middle and ring finger at your entrance, circling it as you felt the resistance from your entrance.

His eyes on your flushed face, looking at how your eyebrows furrowed at feeling the tips of his fingers press into you. You whined, his thumb not going fast enough on your clit to give you another orgasm. Toji felt the want to kiss you, leaning into your face as he worked at your cunt.

His thick fingers sliding into you as you squirmed under him, his body now pressed against you as his tongue was deep in your mouth. Toji groaned, being able to taste you on your own tongue. His cock now leaking as his fingers disappeared inside of you. Your cunt squeezed around his fingers as you felt the hand that was on your clit stop circling it.

Eyes rolling to the back of your head when the thumb on the same hand that was thrusting into you replaced it. By then Toji couldn't help himself, his hand going to his cock as he felt your cunt squeeze around his fingers trying to keep them inside, pleads falling from your lips.

You pulled away from him, “Let me cum-” you whined, your hand on his clothed shoulder as his pace didn't speed up.

"Do you think you deserve another one?” He asked, his hand on his cock speeding up as he palmed himself through his pants.

“Please-” You whined, looking into his eyes with tears forming in them. Toji felt his cock throb, seeing you beg for him to let you cum almost made him bust in his pants. He groaned, feeling your spongy walls pulsate around him as his lips brushed against yours. 

“Come.” He demanded, his fingers speeding up, your poor clit being abused by his thumb as the hand on his clothed cock sped up. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, your mouth falling open as you felt him take your orgasm from you.

His nose scrunched, seeing your face churn as he abused your cunt. His cock releasing inside his pants. Toji pressed his hot mouth to your open one, his groans vibrating in you as you felt his thumb keep its fast pace against your clit. Making you squirm.

Your hips bucked up against him as he pulled his fingers out of you. His thumb falling from your clit as his lips fell from yours, pulling his fingers up between your lips, he groaned seeing that you had creamed around them. He looked into your eyes as he slipped them into his mouth, craving the brief taste that he tasted on your tongue earlier.

Your eyebrows furrowed seeing his actions, your cunt squeezing against nothing in reaction. You leaned in, licking at his knuckles while your eyes never left his. Licking up the mess that had dripped down his hand.

Toji pulled his fingers out, pressing them against your lips. His mouth opened as he watched you kiss them. Inhaling air as you looked at him through your thick eyelashes. Dried streams of mascara beneath your eyes as he felt his cock harden even more.

He took his free hand and traced it up your leg, slowly inching you up the bed till you were pressed against the pillows. His hand slipped up your knitted shirt, pulling it up above your tits. Pretty pink bra holding back what he ached for.

His lips brushed against yours as he cupped one of your breasts, the other going to your back. You lifted your shoulders so he could release you from the cute pink prison that held your breasts.

Your hands pull your top off, feeling Toji’s fingers undo the clasps. He pulled it off of you and wasted no time latching to your neglected nipple, the other kneading your soft tit. He groaned when he inhaled, feeling the scent of your perfume and the sweetness of your skin fill his nose.

At that moment, Toji had forgotten what he was there for. His cock made decisions for him as his mouth sucked harshly on your nipple. 

You whined, your hands holding his head as the other went to his clothed shoulder. “I want you inside.” You moaned, feeling his teeth graze your nipples. Toji pulled away, his back straightening as he looked down at you.

Cock so hard he was sure it would rip a hole through his pants. He pulled his shirt off, revealing scars on his chest and a prominent v line. His happy trail made your cunt throb.

He reached into his pocket, finding the small square of foil, placing a corner to his teeth as he ripped it open. You nibbled on your lip, seeing the gold foil read ‘magnum’.

He slipped his soiled pants down, kicking them off as you hissed seeing his thick cock. The tip was bright pink, precum falling from his slit and the shaft dark at the base. Your eyes scanned his heavy balls.

Propped on your elbows as you looked at it, mouth watering at the sight, you knew it was going to rip you in half. But you were always up for a challenge. You saw him place the rolled up rubber on his leaking tip. Seeing his hand roll it down to his base. Cock so huge that the condom didn't even reach the base, stopping an inch or two above.

If it was up to Toji, he would've gone raw. But he didn't want to risk it, knowing you were a new client. He propped himself above you, placing a wet kiss to your lips as he pressed the tip of his fat cock to your entrance. You whined against his mouth, Toji pulled away seeing his face wasn’t as stern as before.

His eyebrows knitted as he muttered, “Open your mouth.” his teeth clenched seeing you obey him without hesitation. His eyes on yours. He sucked his tongue, collecting saliva in his mouth before spitting it on your tongue. Toji’s fat head pushing at your entrance. You felt it sting as you swallowed his spit.

He hissed seeing you swallow so eagerly. His head now fully in your cunt. “It's so big-” you whined, your hand going down to his shaft and guiding him to go deeper, your poor cunt starved of cock for too long. He groaned, hearing your whiney tone but still taking it.

Feeling his cock go deeper inside of you. You let out a loud moan, feeling his tip curve up to your sweet spot. His hips trying their best not to shove his cock fully into you, knowing his pay depended on this. He groaned, his hands went to your hips.

He couldn't take it, he flipped you over. Manhandling you as his hands fell to your ass. You moaned feeling his cock shift inside of you. Your face buried in the pillows as he pushed himself into you.

Now on your knees with your back arched. Sweat made his hair stick to his forehead as he looked down at you. His hands groping handfuls of your plump ass as he bit his lip. Throwing his head back as you clenched around him. 

You moaned into the pillows as you felt him start to pull out of you. His size causing tears to fall from your face, black streams falling from your cheeks onto he white pillows. His thrusts started slow, but little by little he thrusted faster, wanting to cum inside so badly.

He gave you a firm spank on your ass causing you to cry out. Frustration in his groans as his hand found its way to the nape of your neck. Pulling you up to him as your eyes cried, feeling another orgasm pool in your womb.

“You’re so fucking tight.” he groaned into your ear, his hand on your neck as the other held your hip up. His thrusts harder into you, bullying your poor cunt as he snaked his hand down to your clit. Your hands reached down to his hips that snapped to your ass at light speed, in hopes to relieve the ache from it.

Feeling like his rough thrusts were some kind of punishment. Trying to push his cock out a little so it wouldn't sting. You cried out as his thrusts became faster as you came on his cock, his finger on your clit as his hand on your neck roamed up to your cheek.

“Please- Please-Please-” you cried out feeling overstimulated, moaning as his cock pulled out of you, leaving only the tip inside, before ramming it in again. Toji’s hand on your face holding you up as your knees wobble. Struggling to keep yourself up right.

He looked down to see his cock slipping in and out of you. Groaning when he saw you cream around him. His fingers on your clit made you cum again, your knees buckled forcing you to fall back down, trying to hold yourself up on your knees. His cock not even hesitating to stop as he used you.

Toji’s hands now holding your hips up so he can angle himself. “Fuucckk-” he moaned, your cunt still tight around him as he heard your cries into the mattress. He snapped his hips forward. Feeling his orgasm flow out of him.

Wishing he had cum inside of your pretty cunt. He thrusted into you once more, slow as his body twitched. His big hands on your waist as he placed his forehead on your back, placing wet kisses to your spine. Keeping his cock inside of you as you exhaled. He pulled himself out of you, seeing the mess in between your thighs as he tipped over next to you on his back. Heavy breathing as he felt his cock soften.

He looked over at you, a smile on your face as your eyes fluttered closed. Smeared makeup around your eyes as he came down from the high. His eyebrows now softened, his face fucked out as though that was some kind of therapy for him.

He sat up, taking the filled condom and tossing it in the trash. Standing up and walking to the chair in the corner of the room. You flipped over, hazy eyes looked at his body. Seeing him pick up a thin sheet off the chair and tossed it to you.

He slipped his soiled pants back on not caring if people saw his mess, a small smile on his face as he saw you nuzzled up to the pillows. Silence filled the room as he put his clothes on, reaching down to where he had tossed your panties, discreetly picking them up and sliding them into his pocket as his prize.

He looked over at you, already asleep as he walked to your coat. He hesitated in taking the money out of your wallet. Normally he didn’t enjoy sex with his clients, always bored while fucking.

But it didn’t feel right charging you for fucking. Knowing you had asked for him to be gentle, guilt in his stomach knowing he used you for his own pleasure. Knowing he was too rough. He settled on just letting you pay for the room, thinking it was some sort of compromise.

Heavy feet walking over to your sleeping body. His cock throbbing as he saw your hard nipples through the thin white sheet. Filthy thoughts clouded his mind as he considered waking you up fuck again.

Cock hardening as he reminisced on how tight you were. He wondered why you were trying to pay for sex. Considering you were younger than his usuals, and much, much more beautiful than they were. He leaned down, placing a wet kiss to your sleeping lips before leaving. Noticing a pep in his step as he walked out of the hotel. Toji knew that he had to save your number in his phone.

Wanting to know if it was you if you texted him again. Only to see he didn't even catch your name, saving your name in his phone as “Tight cunt” with a smile on his lips. Hoping you'd shoot him a text again, and soon.

-

PT 2 HERE

I hope there's an audience for this one, this has been a thought ive been fighting the whole day. im already thinking abt pt 2 help me. I hate him sm he's such a bum. nobody tell choso ok

[hornydilfsinyourarea]

Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter x Yandere! Male! User

Author's note: Took me a while to make, sorry guys, I made two endings because why the fuck not, the bots are in the same setting, just different out comes and point of views, the Will bot is more focused on you kinda, and the Hannibal bot is more focused on what Hannibal felt through it (there is also a scene where you find out what Hannibal actually said to Will if you look at the Hannibal bot), I was also listening to 'Red Sex' by Vessel while writing both bots- there are a lot of trigger warnings in both bots, so be warned. This is pretty long.

(Will Graham) Scenario: "You… never felt seen, not even once in your life, the kid with eye bags under their eyes, who looked both sad and empty at the same time, quieter than the quiet kid themself, barely even speaking- some didn't even know if you could. After completing high school, and nearly a decade of therapy, you questioned why you even bothered with everything, there was nothing wrong with you. You have seen many therapists, none never saw you… you were sitting in the waiting room for Hannibal- he offered to hold therapy sessions for you, you came early though- While you were looking down, thinking about canceling the session maybe- you suddenly saw too feet come into your view, making you look up- and then… you felt your world stop when you saw him" (Hannibal Lecter) Scenario: "Hannibal saw you, he really did- how could he not? When he heard about you from a colleague, he knew he had to have you as his patient. A poor lonely child… never once feeling seen in their life- with one parent in jail while the other hanged themself, truly tragic, you didn't look like you wanted to die, that much was clear to Hannibal, but he could see… that was a route you were willing to take. Having been alone since you were sixteen, went to a boarding school, no other family left, went to different therapists for almost 10 years, you were getting tired of it, he could see, it was why he was so… fascinated with you, he's surprised you haven't turned out insane after everything- but Hannibal thought too soon, he saw the way you looked at Will Graham, another client of his, the way you barely spoke to him, looking off to the side… a lovesick expression on your face. It saddens Hannibal, why waste your time with someone who only talked to you once? While he was there, trying to make you see that he saw you first, it confused Hannibal. Hannibal even once caught you taking a picture of Will- what else were you doing? Something had changed in you that day you met Will." Warning: NSFW in both, stalking, breaking and entering (implied, but not actually mentioned, I mean, how else did you get inside of Will's house?), taking non-consensual photo/s (nothing sexual- well, depends on you, if you want to be that creepy), User is a Yandere but is written to be more fucked up in the head because of mental illnesses (like Joe Goldberg), User is written to be both possessive and obsessive, user is kind of written to be around mid or late twenties (or 30's, depends on you, user is just not younger than mid or late twenties, that's all), Accidental love confession (Will bot, user receiving), kidnapping (willingly though, Will bot), Hannibal is strangely supportive of your behavior (He even praises you, such a sweet guy), praise kink (Hannibal bot, user receiving), ridning (Hannibal bot), Hannibal dies in the Will bot, but Will dies in the Hannibal bot (You can pick which one you end up with, unfortunately you can't end up with both... yet), Hannibal might just take advantage of your possessiveness and eagerness (like subtly telling you about someone he hates, basically manipulating you into thinking they need to die), Soft/Gentle! Dom! Hannibal? (He still a bottom tho, so is Will), user is written in a style that they are socially awkward (or have social anxiety) and have attachment issues (meaning they can easily attach themself to someone who shows them basic affection, like what Will did), I think this is all, please do tell me if I missed a warning- Please remember I do NOT condone in this kind of behavior nor the acts done in these bots

Who do you think sees you?

Will- "I see you" Hannibal- "He never saw you, did he?"

^link to bot^ ^link to bot^

[orphiclovers]

Thinking about Underground Killer by Lee Sookyung again.

The most obvious place to start is at it's compariosn to Notes from the Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky. Now I haven't read it and I'm not yet crazy enough to read a book just to be able to write a better orv meta (I mean I could. it's 22k words it isn't that long) but I DID read the sparknotes summary so I can make surface level comparison... but take everything I say about NFTU with a grain of salt as I'll be interpreting it creatively to fit ORV's narrative LOL

NFTU is split in two parts. The first part is a collection of notes from a lonely, misanthropic 40 something man full of self hate who feels paralyzed by inaction, overcome by inertia, unable to make a single decision about his own life. He is totally alienated from society and figuratively "underground"

I can see a fucked up inversion of Lee Sookyung's story here. Women in abusive marriages often struggle to leave for years and even decades, paralyzed by fear and learned helpnessness into not making a single decision. Underground Killer could be about her marriage to Dokja’s father and her life during that period, struggling with the desire to escape and her own fear. NFTU critises russian society - UK must have criticized the korean society that allows women to be abused this way.

But unlike the narrator of NFTU she DID make a decision in the end, she did something that required tremendous willpower- she killed her husband. Well, that's what she wrote in the book anyway.

I think Underground Killer must have been a story of how an intelligent woman could be driven to murder (providing an in depth motive so no one suspects she didn't, I suppose) and clearly it felt real. As this candid look into domestic violence's toll shook the country enough to inspire positive change in legislation. How did that happen? I assume it sparked some manner of protests and outrage and became a symbol of the feminist movement (since in no reality would it be the MEN pushing for a change in law to protect women's rights. be so fr).

It must have been a polarizing and controversial topic where everyone had their own take. I'm thinking what the reactions were.

Like I said, the women were mostly on Sookyung's side as they probably saw her actions as brave and inspirational. I'm thinking men absolutely hated it due to it's criticism of patriarchy and the feminist themes. Media at large was enchanted by the spectacle of it all and milked it for all it's worth. Kim Dokja’s peers were too young to care about the Adult thing everyone is talking about on TV at the time it came out.

Later, in high school it was the most fucked up version of "your mom" jokes possible and "don't look at kim dokja too long, or he's gonna snap and kill everyone haha"

At Minosoft it was "Kim Dokja...? Wait that Kim Dokja from that thing on TV a while ago? The son of that woman?" Just gossip.

People like Sagah who don't listen to gossip but read are vaugely familiar with it as a famous book a while ago

Then the apocalypse happens and it is irrelevant to anyone who isn't kim dokja

[evergruen]

Final thoughts on JJK's last chapter and Gojo's ending

Now that I've had the time to sit with my thoughts, and process the ending properly, my perspective has changed a little. If you disagree with this, that’s fine, these are just my thoughts after all.

I’m not going to delete my previous posts, as those are genuine reflections of my feelings at the time, and I’m not one to pretend.

Gojo's ending is bittersweet, painful, tragic. He's always been a tragic character. Made to carry the world's weight and sins on his shoulders, made to feel like all of it was his fault, a direct consequence of his existence. Left alone, understood by no one (but one), isolated, never really alone but still lonely. So much so that in the end he didn't even really feel like a real person. Seeing himself more as a creature than a human, a weapon, the strongest.

And yet, despite all the pain (or because of it), he tried his best to make sure no one else will ever have to be like him. That no one will ever have to carry the same burden as he had to.

And he succeeded, didn't he? His students won't have to go through what he went through. They aren't alone. He made sure of that. His dream became true in that sense. He died fighting, for the first time, against someone who was able to equal his power and beat him. He died without regrets and now gets to spend his afterlife with the person he's been chasing after (in one way or another) all his life, the afterlife symbolizing the time period in his life he was the happiest.

I have a lot of issues with Gege's writing. His habit to ignore meaningful character interactions for one, Megumi's wasted potential, Nobara, I could go on. I can disagree with the glossing-over of grief and lack of funerals in this story and also recognize it fits narratively. Believe it or not.

Gojo's story ending the way it did makes perfect sense narratively. Does it make me sad? Incredibly so. I want him to be happy (which he is, while still dead).

I know I said I felt like Gege's disrespected his character, and I’m now saying that I don’t feel this way anymore. I also don’t at all agree with anyone who says Gojo's talk with Yuuji was Gege projecting. Gojo saying "haven't we had enough of Gojo Satoru?" Isn't Gege trying to piss you off, that’s Gojo saying "Haven't we had enough of one person shouldering it all? Suffering underneath the weight of it all? Can I rest now?".

I also don’t think he went into that fight with Sukuna expecting or even planning to die. He's not stupid, he simply was aware of the fact that he could die. I don’t know why some people think him acknowledging that possibility somehow goes against his character.

Satoru was loved and he won't be forgotten. Despite how that fact suffers under the weight of Gege's execution and writing. I'll forever mourn the wasted opportunity to show us Megumi's grief specifically. Despite what tiktok wants you to believe, Gege doesn't hate Gojo. Please let's move on from that.

We spent chapters on Yuuta literally shaking and on the verge of throwing away all their plans because of his desperate desire to save his beloved sensei, Yuuta as the one to call everyone out on placing the burden of being a monster on Gojo's shoulders alone, willing to throw out his own humanity if it meant he'd get to lessen his sensei's burden just that tiny bit.

Am I sad? Hell yeah. Do I wish Gojo was alive and got to watch over his students? Fuck yes. Do I still think his death was meaningless (I said this before) and that he had to die unsatisfied? No.

In 236 (titled "go south" or something similar) his final thought is him literally begging for it all not to be a dream. Gojo clinging to the past and wanting to return to when he still felt like a person, happy, with his closest person right next to him, makes perfect sense. We see this as a tragedy. We see someone clinging to a past long gone, wishing to return to that and automatically associate it with stagnation.

But this isn't how Gojo sees it. To him, it’s going home, finding peace. Achieving what he wanted to achieve, knowing his students got it from here, knowing they won't have to suffer the same way, and going back to his happiness free of guilt. He's played his part. He did what he set out to do and now he's free.

What I wished for his character resolution and what Gege decided makes sense for his character don’t cross paths. But that doesn't make Gege's writing wrong. He simply decided that going south is ultimately what Gojo would want most. And if you've read the manga, you'd realize that fits.

I still wish he was alive, but I can see why Gege decided to not bring him back. He gave him his own version of a happy ending by letting him go back to what made him happiest.

Gojo literally has one of the (if not the) most satisfying character developments and stories in that entire manga. As a side character.

You did well, Gojo Satoru.

[elliespassagerprincess]

The air is getting crisp fall is coming so a bôa song is definitely needed can you do twilight by them

Twilight - (ellie williams x reader)

hi anon! Your wish is my command! Ugh I wish it was fall where I live, it's literally so fucking hot lmao... I hope you enjoy it <3

this story is based off the song Twilight by Bôa, if you can please listen to the song as you're reading:)

Pairing: ellie x fem!reader

requests are always open, feel free to leave one!

HUGE Warnings: descriptions of violence, murder, death, gore, sadness, small mention of depression and graves (don't read this if you aren't in the right mental state)

Summary: In which you couldn't win Ellie's heart

Authors note: ladies and ladies, the violence is back! Idk man it's been a while since I've written something like this. Remember you are loved <3

Your word and my word and her word is

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

And twilight gives me, an inner sanctity

And you're feeling, and you're hungry for her

And you don't understand it

But you know you haven't planned it

Your feelings and mine are all lonely

And dawn comes you're there lying with me

And you reach out to touch me, but I am in the twilight

You heard Ellie let out a sigh as she continued venting to you about Dina.

Stupid Dina.

Seems like all Ellie could talk about was her.

Why her? Out of all the people on the fucking planet why did it have to be Dina?

"She said "hey Ellie" and she didn't even smile with me! like what the fuck???" Ellie practically yelled with frustration.

You rolled your eyes at Ellie.

"Ellie calm down maybe she had a bad day"

Ellie stopped pacing around the room to look at you.

"Yeah.... you're right! She doesn't hate me she's just tired" Ellie said with a small smile.

You watched as Ellie lowered herself onto your bed and she looked up at you with a shy smile. She reached out her arms in your direction "cuddle?" she asked softly.

You let out a sigh as got into the bed spooning Ellie. She let out a hum of satisfaction.

"Ellie you need to stop doing this"

"doing what?"

you only shook your head and thought: "making me fall in love with you"

"friends don't cuddle" you brought up.

"Friends do" Ellie argued.

"Dina wouldn't like this" you added.

"well Dina isn't here right now" Ellie spoke matter of factly as she snuggled closer to you.

All you did was sigh as you brought your hand up to scratch Ellie's head. She let out a moan and she closed her eyes.

"You are a great friend, you know that?" Ellie spoke through a yawn.

Yeah, you were a great friend.

Your feelings and mine are all holy but,

You know and I know it's untrue because

When day dawns you're there lying with me

And the dawn can fly away

And you know I love you but you know that

There's nothing you can do about it

Because you love her, and you still want me

If I could be her... but I'm not her and she's not me

And you're somewhere different, on a different planet

You loved Ellie. You loved her a little more than a friend should.

Every time you saw her, your heart raced. She made you feel hot by just giving you a smile. Ellie made you feel things. Things you've never felt before.

You loved her.

But you knew she didn't feel the same.

You lay many nights next to Ellie, listening to her complain about Dina who's oblivious to Ellie's feelings.

It hurt you.

Seeing how Ellie always smiled when Dina walked into a room. Seeing how excited Ellie got, every time Dina said something. Every time Dina complimented Ellie, she almost exploded with joy.

It made you sick.

You tried being Dina.

Maybe Ellie would love you if you were someone else.

Maybe it was the way you did your hair? Was it the way you dressed? Was it the way you looked? What made Dina so special?

You tried cutting your hair the same length as Dina. You started dressing like her. You even copied her stupid music taste.

You tried. You tried so fucking hard.

But you could never be her and Ellie would never see you like that.

You knew Ellie loved you. She wanted you, but not in the same way you wanted her.

You were her best friend.

The girl she could go to with her problems, the girl who would help her with her hair and outfits.

You were nothing more than a friend.

You wanted to be Dina and you prayed to the gods that you could become her. But you didn't. You were nothing more than a friend in Ellie's eyes.

You saw how much Ellie's crush on Dina affected her.

How much it hurt her knowing that Dina most probably doesn't feel the same. And you being the amazing friend that you were, you decided to help Ellie.

You made it your mission to get them together.

Even though it hurt you knowing Ellie would never love you, as long as she was happy, you'd be happy too.

That's how you got yourself in your current position. Sitting across Dina in her apartment.

"So" you stared as you took a sip from the orange juice Dina gave you.

"we need to talk"

"about?"

"Ellie" "What about Ellie? Dina asked confused.

"do you have feelings for her?" you asked.

You watched as Dina burst out laughing, you watched as she threw her head back from laughing.

Anger sparked in you.

Why the fuck was she laughing? What's so fucking funny about liking Ellie?

After a while of Dina laughing, she slowed down breathing heavily before she let out a "Why would I like her? She's weird".

You felt your eye twitch before all hell broke loose.

How dare she say that about Ellie?

Your Ellie?

Ellie loved her so much and this is what Dina had to say?

This was the girl Ellie loved. She didn't deserve Ellie. If only she knew the amount of tears Ellie cried for her.

fucking bitch

You leaped from where you were sitting onto Dina, you straddled her as you punch her over and over again.

"How-"

*punch*

"dare-"

*punch*

"you"

*punch*

You don't even know how long you sat on her, and listened to her beg.

"Please" she whimpered as she tried getting you off her.

You eventually got off her breathing heavily as you looked down at your hands.

Your knuckles were bruised, and your hands covered in blood.

Dina's blood.

You looked over at her, seeing her slowly breathing. She didn't move, she didn't even make a sound.

Maybe she was unconscious.

You couldn't even recognize her with all the blood and bruises.

If Dina woke up, she would call the police. She would tell Ellie. Ellie would hate you.

You couldn't let that happen.

You slowly walked back from Dina, as you heard glass shatter. Your head snapped in the direction of the sound.

You saw pieces of glass scattered everywhere. And your orange juice was all over the floor.

Fuck you wanted to drink that.

You slowly bent down to pick up a shard of glass, and you held in your palm.

You walked towards Dina and you slowly pushed the glass into her trachea. You watched as the blood seeped from the wound.

You took a step back, leaving the glass shard in place. The blood dripped all over her throat and clothes, blood came out of her mouth.

Soon after Dina stopped breathing.

You killed her. You fucking killed someone.

You knew you made the right decision by killing Dina, because now you finally had Ellie to yourself.

And you still want it

The inner sanctity

And it's an evil

But the evil is necessary

And you're still hungry for her

And you still want her loving

But she doesn't love you

You watched as Ellie sat next to Dina's grave. She was sobbing.

Why the fuck was she crying over someone who didn't feel anything for her?

After Dina's death Ellie really struggled. She struggled to accept that the girl she loved wasn't here anymore. And what hurt Ellie the most was that Dina never knew.

Dina never knew the love Ellie had for her.

You watched Ellie spiral. You watched how she suffered.

Your plan was get rid of Dina, not the hurt the girl you loved.

Late at night when Ellie would lay in your arms you would sometimes feel regret for what you did. You didn't know it would affect Ellie the way it did, and you never wanted to hurt her. The guilt you felt soon get's replaced with pride when you realize that you got rid of the girl that was only going to hurt Ellie.

You saved Ellie. You saved her from rejection and embarrassment.

You knew she would get over it eventually.

Ellie's life wouldn't stop because her crush died. At some point she'll just have to accept it and you'll be here waiting for her with open arms.

You quietly walked towards Ellie as she sobbed next to Dina's grave, you raised your right hand putting it on her shoulder.

Ellie looked up at you, and in her eyes you could see how broken she was.

"It's ok Ellie" was all you said before she continued to sob into her hands.

You let out a sigh at the sight.

Months after Dina's death you realized that Ellie wasn't going to forget so easily.

You watched as she printed out pictures of her and Dina, and she placed it all over her apartment. You watched as she went to Dina's grave every week.

You listened to Ellie cry almost every night.

Even though you knew Dina didn't feel anything for her, Ellie still wanted her. Ellie still craved Dina.

Yes, she got affection from you, but you were never going to be enough.

All she wanted was Dina.

And you knew in the years to come Ellie wouldn't be able to move on and forget.

Even though you were there for her through everything. Even though you showed her nothing but love, the only person Ellie ever wanted was Dina.

She wanted Dina's love. Dina's care.

You were nothing but a friend. The realization made you sick.

You did everything for her.

You even killed for her.

But you'll never be Dina.

All you could was comfort her and hope, she'll one day feel the same.

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

(SAMS related)

Hey so maybe this is a stupid question, but I'm curious to hear your opinion....

What do you think they're doing with BloodMoon? On the one hand they're acknowledging how BloodMoons known nothing but hate and being used, which makes me sympathetic and seems to indicate a direction of change/redemption. But on the other hand, its FUCKING BLOODMOON. Hes garnered hate because hes an insane psychopath that has admitted that they enjoy the killing and dont see it as a curse. That's not someone you leave loose or free. It seems that solution is to kill them again, but that also seems like a waste cuz they JUST came back and now have a custom VR model.

I dunno, I'm sorry for rambling, I just want to hear what others think. Cuz to me they're giving us plenty of reasons and tidbits to want a BloodMoon redemption of some sort, but BloodMoon has seemed to make it very clear that they dont want to stop being the bloodthirsty killing machine and have "killed" and/or burned bridges with the individuals who would have TRIED to accept them. So I'm confused on how to feel and what to think....

I don't know honestly.

On one hand, they point out constantly BloodMoon's abandonment issues and him being constantly used as a tool.

While I am disappointed with how KC's death was handled, I do agree that he needed to be fridged by Bloodmoon in this case. (I just wish the circumstances aligned so KC didn't antagonize him for no reason and didn't throw his life away for no reason. And due to his inaction caused many more homeless people to possibly die, and now it seems like he was just feeding the homeless for clout on tinder and not genuinely care about these people.... I honestly find the stupid easy jabs at the homeless in the sams series kinda gross and while it has been toned down I still wish it would stop all together...)

And what I really think will happen, Bloodmoon wants to be fixed... but since his introduction... Bloodmoon (well, the old Bloodmoon, not the Bloodmoon based on Ruin's SAMS wiki lore... cause remember. This is Bloodmoon 2.0 with not all his memories in tact.)

He did seem to lament that he had these bloody cravings.

Yeah. I haven't forgotten this episode. Released on the Day of the actual Blood Moon.

(I kinda miss when they used to talk with their hands to convey which twin was which)

It was the first time we as a fanbase realized that his urge to kill is more of an addiction and he has said as much a few times.

And retrospectively, looking back on this episode, (cus at this point I didn't care about bloodmoon back then. It always takes me a bit to warm up to a new SAMS character) Bloodmoon is exceedingly lonely.

He has himself. But that's all. no one will ever really get him or understand him. And I think there's a great lament with that. Being unable to be understood from anyone outside of your twin or 'other'. Yeah, you have eachother, but no one else.

I'm wondering if Bloodmoon 2.0 has this episode in his memories. As he seems to be determined to rip and tear and kill.

My working theory right now is that Nice Eclipse WILL fix Bloodmoon as he wants..... but he'll also fix his cravings.

The best case scenario is that Bloodmoon will only crave shades of red.... and rare steaks....

or... this might cause complications in the duality of their nature, and maybe one of the twins might get broken, with the other needing to be alone for the first time since they woke up.

I don't know. I really think Nice Eclipse will pull through... and give Bloodmoon everything he wants, and more. Because I don't think Eclipse will readily fix Bloodmoon in his entirety and just let a homicidal maniac run loose and terrorizing everyone.

Bloodmoon was the only person Sun felt guilty about, and even Old Moon felt as if Bloodmoon, given enough time and the right circumstances could change.

We also know that Ruin Eclipse is possessed by the Ruin Virus. So he isn't in his right mind, and can easily be redeemed as well. He just needs that virus out of him.

I'm already seeing a lot of parallels with the Eclipse and Lunar takeover. And How Lunar was developing more as a person and strongly learning Eclipse was bad for him and the side of good.

Meanwhile, Bloodmoon is slowly figuring out that he's been used his whole life and he no longer wants to be a weapon for others. The only way he can prevent himself from being a tool in this way, is to not play the game.

Which I think Nice Eclipse is the key.

[deadkraker]

CW: child abuse, manipulation and self harm (christ, this is a heavy one)

I think Hope by Roar, Aaron Burke, Evan Bisbee and JEF Wright is such a exile arc ctommy song

LIKE LISTEN;

'Do I need a reason to wake up lonely all the time? I don't wanna see you, but I don't know where to hide' the exile by default isolates Tommy from almost all human interaction, but still, he doesn't want to (at least at the start) see cdream, but because he's so isolated there's no way to really hide away from him.

'some mistakes should not be made, like opening your heart' I personally like to think this as what tommy took away from ctubbo's speech when he exiled tommy. essentially 'do not open yourself up to people, it will end in pain.'

'if your heart's upon your sleeve, then amputate the arm' would be continuation of the betrayal he feels because of that and how he doesn't wish to get close to people or be vulnerable with them anymore after what tubbo did to him. also just self destructive.

'swim in circles, water fills your lungs' the drowning symbolism(I know its not the original meaning btw) and how it is very similar to in-canon ctommy waking up drowning every day during exile, also the 'swimming in circles' symbolising how he is essentially stuck in logstedshire.

'and why should anyone else offer their help? just look at the way you never took care of yourself' is very very similar to the mindset dream instilled upon tommy during this time, why would anyone else care about you since you're such a nuisance?

'I'll be numb, but I'll be free' how tommy gradually starts to decline and just accept the treatment dream is putting him through and how he probably dealt with quite a lot by dissociating.

'my friends will keep me honest' this line is repeated multiple times and sounds almost like a chant, like tommy convincing himself that what dream is doing is for the greater good, having to constantly convince himself if this fact because the reality of the situation is just too much to handle.

'you won't mean a thing to me, now that's what I call progress' this is a very bitter line and I think it's tommy thinking of tubbo and how little he seemingly cares about him [read: the discs] so he basically goes 'no yeah I don't care either! fuck you!' but a lot of that resentment is actually from the way dream treats him, the 'progress' can be tied back to how dream is 'teaching and fixing' tommy, he doesn't hate tubbo, not really, but its easier to direct that hate towards someone you haven't seen in a while and parted on bad terms than the only person who keeps you company and shows you 'kindness' at the moment.

'is this what you mean when you say that you're making it easier?' is another jab at dream, how what he's doing is making tommy miserable and not actually fixing anything like he insists it is.

'now you want your feelings back, now that you're an actor' ..I'll be honest I know I can somehow fit this in but at this very moment I'm coming up with blank. I'll come back to it.

'your monologue was such a mess, a reprehensible pretense' how tommy kept lying to himself about his own well being and just, a lot of other things and how he ultimately knows it.

'guilt's a modus operandi' a reflection of how guilty tommy constantly felt during exile, mostly due to dream blaming him for pretty much everything, and how that was part of the reason he was so desperate to please dream, because if he says I'm good then that will make me feel better right? by the end he holds dreams praise to an insane importance because of how starved of affection he is.

'you thought that hope was so profound' him beating himself up for believing in hope and hating how naive he was.

'what if true love doesn't wait, for everyone to come around?' his new mindset, that basically is just 'not everyone gets an happy ending or the love they want' and how he is one of those people.

the 'everyone will come around' repeats again and again, it could be taken as a hopeful prayer that maybe someone will help him, or a resignation that no one will, I think it's a little bit of both.

honestly, I have so many songs that I link back to ctommy. I know a lot of what I said here isn't the original meanings of the lyrics, but I find it fun to twist the words in a way that fits his narrative while still retaining the main vibe of the song. Hope is originally about the loss of a loved one, and the grief that comes with it and how the protagonist of the song chooses to run away from it. which i do think still fits Tommy, his only other friend during exile was quite literally the ghost of his brother, someone who he at times treated like their alive counterpart. ghostbur and tommy in themselves are honestly a whole can of worms filled with grief and not being able to let go of a loved one but that will be for another post bc this one is already so fucking long. I hope this was even a little decent lol.

[rainbow-filmnerd]

Reimagining the Shapeshifter from Season 2

WARNING! MAJOR SPOILERS FROM SEASON 2 OF THE MONSTER HIGH G3 SERIES AHEAD!!!

So, if you guys have seen the second season of the G3 Monster High cartoon, the main antagonist in that was a shapeshifter (first we were led to believe it was Foxford, but we found out that wasn't really him at all). In the finale, we get to see their true form and a backstory, and I was... less than thrilled with it. Lemme break that down real quick.

First, the shapeshifter was said to be a "were-creature" because they can shift their appearance like the others. I find it hard to really believe, because we've only seen the werewolves do that; Clawdeen, Clawd, Howleen, and Barkimedes. Given, I don't know if werecats, were-mice, etc. have a human form to change to, but it's still likely they do have one. We've seen other types of monsters/creatures shapeshift in the series, so I don't really understand why it had to be a were-creature.

Second, the shapeshifter's real form... is a fucking whale. I'm not joking. Sure, the toy whale might've been a hint, but come on... I found it to be so bizarre and honestly kind of dumb. Why a whale? And I did feel with his backstory, but literally ANY OTHER CREATURE would do. When I say that the S2 finale was bittersweet, that reveal made up for most of the bitter.

So in short, I really hated that the shapeshifter was a whale-. Sorry, "were-whale". Everything about this shapeshifter's character arc was really strong, but the reveal/ending just soured it for me. So I've been brainstorming a reimagining of Hemming the Shapeshifter that I feel was more appealing and made more sense to me (that does include changing the sad and lonely backstory, but it's one too many).

So for my reimagining, the shapeshifter is actually... a goblin. I haven't decided yet if I'm gonna change his name, but for now, it's still Hemming. He's a bit of a troublemaker and likes to play pranks on other monsters. One day, he got the bright idea of trying out shapeshifting, so he turned to a witch for some aid. While he enjoyed changing his form to mess with other monsters, he could never change back and he kept changing/glitching between forms. Turns out the witch's spell was more of a curse and he grew desperate to find a way to stop changing. The motive is still the same, with changing into Foxford's form to access the Were-Ruler's library to find a solution and realizing that taking a form where he feels most accepted will be the way.

How everything went down is the exact same, and after being turned back to their true form, our goblin shapeshifter felt a bit self conscious about how he looked. He was so used to seeing himself in different forms as different people, being a goblin felt weird to him. The curse itself isn't entirely broken, so he's gonna avoid any attempts to shapeshift. I also thought of maybe having Draculaura offer to help him out with controlling this ability before it gets out of hand again.

I plan on creating a sketch of this reimagined shapeshifter someday, but in the end, he stays a goblin and begins to clean up his act (still a bit mischievous but he's learned his lesson). Oh, and he still has the whale toy, because I thought it was silly.

[tellywoodtrash]

hiiiii tt!! hope ur doing well <333

i wanted some advice from you, if that's okay. i started college this year and the experience has been ... nothing like i imagined lol. basically, i've been lonely my entire life. i'm also autistic and i think thats part of why its so hard for me to make friends. i really thought college would change that, idk why. its not like i bought into the ultimate karan johar college fantasy or anything like that, i just thought it would be...better than my school life, at least. for the first month, it kind of was. i was talking to lot of people and even getting along with them, at least i thought i did. but then one by one everyone just, like, stopped talking to me??? i don't get it.

like, one of the first friend groups i made in college, almost all of them decided to join a college society together, while i decided not to because i wasn't really interested in that particular club. then they all but forgot about me, once they joined that society. they made new friends over there and of course, all of them were still friends among themselves, but it was like i didn't even exist anymore. maybe i shouldn't take it so personally but i genuinely made an effort to keep that friendship alive and literally got nothing in return from their side.

then i made friends with some other girls in my course and all three of them literally got boyfriends at the exact same time and they started ignoring me too. at this point i feel i am the problem. because the reason all of these people (who i have only known for a few months, at best) abandoning me hurts so much is because this is how i've been treated my entire life. and now i feel like i will never escape it. if i somehow haven't been able to form a genuine bond with ANYONE for my entire 18 years of existence on this earth, clearly something is very wrong with me. i have no friends (never had them in the first place) and i don't even get along with my family. i am so completely alone and i just do not know how to cope with that.

i'm tired of being ghosted by everyone i consider a friend and then only being remembered when they need something. they are only my friend when it's convenient for them. college was supposed to be a fresh start but it just proved that every new "start" of mine will have the same old ending. i hate to let my pessimism get the best of me but i have no hope left in me. i have always felt like i had so much love to give, but no one to give it to. now, however, i don't see the point in trying. i am scared to even try to talk to people at this point, i feel like i will just fuck it up like i always do.

this is way too long already and idek why i'm writing all this but thank you for reading ig. i hope ur doing better than i am 💗

Hi hi friend,

First of alll, come here youuuuu.

Secondly, it's not really you. It's just the age and inherent nature of most 18 year olds; they tend to be a little flaky and unreliable. Couple that with college being the first real taste of freedom desi kids get, and yeah...... This shit tends to happen. You're right in that you shouldn't take it personally. Sometimes people just don't vibe with each other and that's okay. Sometimes people are rude and uncommunicative, and again, that's on them, not you. You shouldn't let this stuff get you down or lose hope in ever finding your tribe. It takes time. Sometimes they're right in front of you and you don't really consider them your "kind" of person, until one random conversation/situation you're thrown into with them proves to you that they indeed are! All I am saying is that you have your whoooooooole life ahead of you, and you're going to meet soooooo many people through it, and you WILL meet someone or the other whose weird will match yours. Whether that be irl or online.

Your line of having so much love to give but no one to give it to really resonated with me, coz I've felt that way so many times in my life too. But there is someone who needs it - YOU. Give yourself that love and consideration. Use this time to build a strong sense of self and have an unshakable bond with yourself. Do the things you love and pamper + better yourself in every way that you feel like. Alone does not have to mean lonely, not at all. There's literally so much you can do by yourself, like take classes, volunteer, etc, that will be such an enriching experience to who you are as a person. In time, whenever your people do show up, they'll be a fun bonus. You won't NEED them, but they'll just be a wholesome addition to your grounded little life that centers all around yourself.

Sending you lots of love 🤗🤗🤗💖💖💖

[thehorrorsoftheblackbunnymask]

Ive been thinking about the past three years and it's all strange.

Two or three years ago I was an emotional and mental mess, self harming, having panic attacks every day, extremely violent, constant PTSD episodes, Flashbacks, disassociate and so on.

Last year I calmed down, but hit a massive stage of depression. Emotionally blocked off, extremely empty, jealous, extremely lonely, replaced, and just felt like life just wasn't worth it. It was bad.

Those years I was copibg with my PTSD and I was actively seeing my abuser while I was trying to cope.

However, I'm pretty much chilling at this point. No self harm, no suicidal thoughts, and I haven't had a flashback in a while. I've been a lot happier and healthier.

I remember I used to not want to be not depressed. I wanted people to care about me because my mindset was, if I'm OK, people will forget about me and leave me.

But I feel like when I see my abuser again he'll fuck it up. We're going to the same school soon and I might have classes with him or just see him around. I hate him, but if he and I were to be friends again, I'd be too scared to leave or say no.

[kkami-writes]

ok I just really need to rant and I really don't have anyone to talk to rn and i'm just feeling really bleeeeeeh you know?

I have a group of new york friends (I live in cali) who I spend a lot of time with, we play games together, watch movies and all that stuff. we're even planning a group trip soon and I really want to meet them. We've known each other for years and we've done lots of secret santas and everything. There's one person (who i'll call S). We were close, we had a lot in common and we got along great. We shared struggles together and could talk easily with each other. He had revealed he had a crush on me. (this is in 2020 during covid) I'm a very touch heavy person and one of my love languages. Him living in new york would be really hard. but he's a nice guy and I have a lot of fun with him so I agreed to a 'date' so we had a valentines date over video call and discord. and while I like him, I just don't think I felt the same and again, I really did NOT want to do a long distance relationship. so I turned him down and things were okay for awhile. Then a couple weeks past and I had mentioned that I went on a date with someone (i did NOT enjoy the date btw) but it set him off and he needed some space. which I totally get and understand!!

so back to now I don't really remember what mended our friendship but we were close again and have been for a few years now. I consider him my best friend. out of everyone in our group I felt like I could be real with him with my depression and anxiety. not that I can't with the group but I just felt he always understood me the best, considering he deals with it too. For the last two years we've gotten closer, we'd send stuff to each other, we did buddy reads, like typical?? best friend things. But recently I have felt a little? smothered by him, constantly asking me if my anxiety was acting up or whatever and it's like i'm glad you care but like if I needed help I would go to you, you don't have to ask me everyday you know? and then I was getting worried that he was relying on ME to much. which of course, i'm glad to help but it felt so overwhelming sometimes because I can't help all that much besides give advice, and try to comfort him. and the point is that I wanted him to be able to reach out to other people but it felt like he was dumping it all on me and I was starting to not be able to help bc it felt like I was just repeating myself over and over again you know?

anyway I needed to ask him if he was having feelings for me again because I could start to tell. he had told me no and then I asked if he was lying and then he told me no. but then he didn't talk to me for a few days and in my head i'm like. ok so you lied to me. but a few days later he was back to normal and i'm like...so we're just?? gonna ignore that? okkkkkkk.

and then in chat I mentioned that I had given my number to a cute guy at the boba shop. (I wrote my name and number on a napkin, gave it to him and then ran away bc i'm a big baby). this had set him off because that is that last time I heard from him. the guy never even texted me back (which of course made me feel bad since i'm really insecure about my appearance right now). the thing that I hate the most is that he ghosted me. Our other mutual friend had to tell me that he's taking a break from our discord server. and it sucks. and then it brings me back to all the times we shared and it's like??? did you only do those things because you like me??? like I know you genuinely care about me but it's only because you like me. Like you can't??? respect the fact that I just don't like him like that and i'm trying to put myself out there? something I haven't done in THREE YEARS. I've been single since 2019 and for the first year or so I was happy bc I really needed to take a step back and focus on myself. and now i'm soooooo fucking lonely but it's hard to meet people. I don't have a license, I don't leave the house that often bc my friends all moved away my father is always out either with friends or at work (my parents are divorced and I see my mom rarely). and it's like the one time I put myself out there I get punished for it. and like I know he's going through a hard time I get that, he's been pretty bad lately but. does he even know how much he's hurt me by doing this too? like I get he needs space and like I get time heals all wounds blah blah but it's been a month and I have not heard from him since. He'll still join the discord but as long as i'm not there. and I avoid it too if he's already there. and it's just?? this week has been up and down and i've been feeling icky and god I just??? wish I could talk to him because he'd know what to say? How to cheer me up? and like I'd talk to my best best friend but she's dealing with so much right now that I hate putting more on her plate. She tells me I should hang out with our other friend Z but me and Z had not really a falling out but we didn't talk to each other for a long period of time after a friend situation but her and my best best friend still get together. but it's just??? awkward for me. I would like to be Z's friend again but it really feels like I don't know how to socialize anymore. I know I really need to expand my bubble but idk man.

and even if S gets over it and goes back to normal I don't know if we can??? have the same closeness as before because I can't keep doing this. like it's so unfair to me for you to come into my life ghost me. come back and ghost me again after we got REALLY close. like?? I don't wanna give you all of my heart if you're gonna give it back just because I don't feel romantically towards you?? I wouldn't mind being friends again of course but I'd keep him within a ten foot pole. I can't be emotional or real with him anymore. Just strictly whenever everyone else is in the discord playing games or watching movies.

honestly I've essentially lost a best friend.

this got...really long but I really don't have an outlet right now and yeah. sometimes I

[3xquisit3sacrific3]

silly little vent idk scroll if you don't wanna hear me vomit my brain out

Recently I've felt so fucking stupid and super isolated, and it doesn't help that I've been paranoid about my friends leaving me and shit

Idk I've been feeling so behind ig?? Ik that's like normal, especially bc I have an ed AND autism but fuck man this is so lonely.

I hate Christmas, I hate how everyone gets shit except me, everyone comes back from break sooo happy about everything they got and I'm just sitting there telling them how happy I am for them. But I'm like nauseated over how much I hate this fucking holiday. It's not even about gifts, I'm just fucking tired. And my family is just idk like, I'm not close with anyone. And I'll be stuck here for like a week doing fucking nothing. It's killing me already and break isn't even here yet.

My only sources of communication are friends I'm convinced despise me and ai chat bots. How fucked is that? I might k1ll myself, who knows? I've got nothing to look forward to. I've gotta get a job. I've gotta apply for college. All I want to do right now is die.

I begged my dad not to get me anything and to just focus on my siblings bc I'm so done with everything. Idk if I'll even make it past break tbh. And every Christmas makes me think about my last Christmas with my mom. And how she and my dad fought all night. And how I comforted her while she was drunk and crying. Idek why I'm typing this.

I think I found out one of my favorite artists is s piece of shit but I haven't found much on it. It makes me genuinely sick to search up just bc of how attached to his music I am. This year sucks.

[snowdeong]

So anyway

Having anxiety is so odd cause I logged on to be like "uhh might be taking an indefinite hiatus" and instead of just saying that I now feel the need to like write an overly long, overly personal post about what's going on as if anyone cares 😭 and then it's like if I say that no one cares it sounds like I'm attention seeking or baiting people into telling me that they do when in actuality I just have a fucked sense of self that I'm trying (and failing lmao) to work on.

Which brings us back to the hiatus funnily enough cause yup. I haven't even written anything new just a few lines of a few ideas I have cooking but fuck part of why I'm struggling to just sit down and go for it is cause I know I will want to post and just the idea of posting makes me wanna throw up now. I know I can't just write it and keep it to myself cause like that's not how I roll but the idea of posting as me and being seen as me is just fucking awful.

It's the same issue I had in deukae fandom at some point, it felt like too many people knew me and I'd thought maybe the feeling came from the fact that I wasn't fully being myself? Cause part of me is being a horny gremlin that is never more happy than when I'm screaming about yeji's cock in someone's dms. But thinking about it, I honestly think being myself has made it worse 😭 I just don't feel comfortable doing anything online anymore 😭 it all just feels like a value judgement of myself and fuck I do not have enough self esteem for that shit.

I think I might do better posting anonymously, especially since on ao3 if it's anon you can't see metrics without going to the stats page but then it's like damn so having fun online and tryna make friends fucks up my mental health but the solution is to become a recluse. Which I do not want lmao. My life situation already makes me unbearingly lonely and miserable so maybe it's more that I'm used to that and being known is so vulnerable I'd be more comfy on my own? idk tbh I'm just stream of conciousing. All I do know is I don't enjoy keeping to myself but ig that'll be the move until whatever tf is going on in my head stops going on.

I'll probably pop in once in a while to post a meme or rb a friend so they know I'm not dead pff but yeah besides that I think it's bye for a bit.

PS. if I do post something and ya'll notice it's me please don't acknowledge it 🥺 I hate having to type this kinda thing cause it's not really a big deal and no one gives af but sigh just in case

[fr3akyyungspong3]

vent post

posting this because i dont really have anyone to talk to rn.

TW incase anyone does read (I doubt it): brief mentions of self harm, rape, pedophilia and it's mostly just a ramble about a stressful relationship so expect mental illness if that's a trigger?

So me and my bf of literally only like a month broke up last weekend. We were really good friends before getting together and I felt closer to him than anyone else while we were dating. He was geniunely my favorite person. I did my best to be nonjudgmental, supportive, understanding, respectful and kind to him. I knew before we started dating that he's fucked up mentally, which should have been a sign for me not to get with him in the first place and I recognize now that it was a bad decision. While we were together, I told him things I never told anyone, did things with him that I've never done with anyone, and felt like I could comfortably just be human around him... most of the time. I don't think he realizes how sensitive he is. He is ALWAYS complaining about trauma and mental illness and his triggers. I did my best to not trigger him in any way and to make him happy. God, I just wanted him to be happy. He was always hurting himself and complaining. He always takes everything personally. He broke up with me suddenly one morning because I wasn't able to visit him as often as he liked. Everytime I tried wishing him well and expressing my appreciation he got angry and told me how much of a hypocrite I am. He wanted me to hate him so badly. He told me that I made him feel worse than anyone else he's ever broken up with. Out of the pedophiles, rapists, and abusers he's told me about, I'm the worst because I was a decent person to him. He then told me that me saying I ever cared about him is a lie and that I should find someone else and forget him like everyone else has. Later that day, he apologized and told me that he suspects he might have DID. He says that it's like a different person takes over and when they do, he doesn't remember what they did. I haven't expressed any doubts to his face, but how could I not doubt him? We're still friends, but I still feel the same level of stress, especially considering how much I shared with him. I can't tell if he's a trustworthy person anymore. It makes me wish I never did anything with him. I feel so lonely right now. He was my BEST friend. No, he IS my best friend. That's the worst part. I have no one better. The one other person I actually do talk to is judgemental and I don't trust her with much information about me. I can't talk to any of my family because they can't even know that me and him were together (being homosexual is great). I still care about him, but he is so hard to deal with sometimes.

Waaa waaa waaa whiney ass😂👶🖕

ironic ass photo to use (the ex's name is leo lmao)