#i haven't been doing shit

[oniiion-studies]

aug 20 2024. tuesday.

[ camping... aug 16-18 ]

it's the last week before my internship officially begins (aug 26th), and i've been scrambling around trying to find activities to fill my time. i have a last-minute meeting with my supervisor today at 2pm to go over the final paperwork and make sure i'm set to start.

the academic weapon challenge has been forwent. i got distracted and have been making routines up as i go. i was trying to use this weekend as a "break" of sorts, to clear my mind and assess my priorities; i instead found a Tiny Toad and all other objectives went into the river.

pros & cons of the past week:

+

-> living la vida loca

-> learning more about how the church runs + who's involved

-> bought groceries

-> caught my first smallmouth bass

–

-> lack of set routine

-> so many dishes to wash, not enough time

-> immaculate laundry pile

[inkskinned]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

[cozylittleartblog]

Columbo and the Knight (1984)

put me in the universe where Columbo ran through the 1980s and had a crossover episode with Knight Rider. I think they deserved it, and I am not just saying that because they're my two favorite Old Shows. @telebeast wrote a little fanfic blurb about it and I HAD to visualize it into a comic (which is also the longest comic I have finished thus far at five pages...), so writing credit goes to them.

Autism W!

[saturnstrays]

Its in the name luv 💗

[cangrellesteponme]

wife

[dnpsuck]

Saying Goodbye Forever (October 15th, 2023)

[teaboot]

tranny freak :)

[buqbite]

part 1 (on VA and being better than humans)

part 2 (on welt and being just a human)

[turquoisemagpie]

Appreciate the little things.

Not to ignorantly deny all of the big bad things in the world, but to survive them.

[beneathsilverstars]

the dissociaterrrr

(They're good enough at Tetris that a couple dollars in quarters will last them a decent amount of time, but sometimes they splurge and get the $12 all-you-can-play pass. The album they're listening to is harsh noise!)

[creaturefeaster]

how long has it been since ive drawn him with his tv on. damn

[hedgehog-moss]

My top 10 nonfiction reads of 2023 (the asterisked ones are in French with no translation as of yet) :

Belle Greene, Alexandra Lapierre

The Indomitable Marie-Antoinette, Simone Bertière

Reporter: A Memoir, Seymour Hersh

Red Carpet: Hollywood, China and the Global Battle for Cultural Supremacy, Erich Schwartzel

Empire of Pain: The Secret History of the Sackler Dynasty, Patrick Keefe

Servir les riches, Alizée Delpierre*

La Comtesse Greffulhe : L’ombre des Guermantes, Laure Hillerin*

Le Courage de la nuance, Jean Birnbaum*

The Book Collectors of Daraya, Delphine Minoui

Flowers of Fire: The Inside Story of South Korea's Feminist Movement, Hawon Jung

[pseudophan]

screentime that tells you to kill yourself

[etherealfaun]

they should invent a chillin in bed all day that doesnt make u go insane

[wardensantoineandevka]

I feel like, with the season's plot since Kozma's death being so dense and breakneck and with it being the final season and all, it's easy to feel like it's silly or a waste or inefficient to devote an entire episode to just the party with only oblique references to what's happening in the Highest Light via Saskia. It feels like a lot to dedicate to dancing and singing in Stationary Hill, so seemingly (doing heavy lifting, that word) far removed from the rest of the plot.

But, I think it's important to really spend time with Midst. There's the narrative pacing reason (a quick breath before we really start racing) and there's the reasons of setting the stage for our final act (it is to where we are returning to end all this), but crucially: it is important to see all this, for Saskia.

Shindig is for Saskia and her arc and her motivations the way that Fault is for Spahr and all his. Saskia is a major character, and one deeply tied to the narrative of a protagonist and to place and to the thematic structures, so spending time developing what it is that drives her choices at a granular level is important.

When she makes that decision to pull the lever and shred those beads, this is what is at the forefront of her mind. Saskia is very rooted in the community in Midst, in the people that she is doing all this for. She says to them all in Weather: "I am proud to call Stationary Hill my home, no matter what happens next. I'm here for you, and you're here for me, and there's no other group of people I'd rather be with right now. I'm sorry I couldn't do better for you." In Wake, she is full of "almost heartbreaking honor" and pride that everyone wishes to stay to rebuild Stationary Hill. She sets off for the Highest Light in Breakfast because she wants to move actively protect Midst from the Trust.

She is dedicated to the people of Midst, through and through, and it is the root of all her actions. She hopes for and works toward the fall of the Trust, but more than that, she hopes that the people of Midst will thrive and works toward protecting their futures.

She is in the Central Vault in the Highest Light, but she is also halfway across the cosmos, dancing and singing with these this community she loves more than anything. When she looks Weepe in the eye and pulls that lever, to destroy what remains of this Vault and with it the Trust, and at least part of (maybe all of) herself as well, she is hearing the laughter and their joy of the people on Midst. She knows that the Trust, that Weepe, will come to destroy that eventually.

We need to spend all that time at that party because that is what Saskia is experiencing as she moves toward shred. We need to know what she is choosing, to remember very clearly why she is doing this, to see in real-time what it is she has to lose if they fail here. It is all together at that party that is happening right then.

[cubbyhole-for-flea-bee]

Apologies