#i haven't backed up my shit since 2019 which is. bad.

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

i’m spending my sunday evening going through my google drive, saving everything to my external hard drive (don’t @ me i should’ve done this ages ago), and deleting it from the internet, and hoooo boy am i already having A Time™

[sage-green-matcha]

Hello! I absolutely adore your writing and I think it is amazing 🫶 could you do something summer camp based? (like anything summer camp related)

CRULE SUMMER - ETHAN LANDRY 🏕️

“It’s cruel summer, with you” - Taylor Swift

MINORS DNI!

Content includes: Mean Ethan, enemies to lovers, summer camp! Sexual tension!

A/n: two requests in one!

<3

<3

<3

You couldn't stand Ethan Landry. His annoying voice ticked you off, acting like he was so innocent. Everything about him annoyed you. His style, and god, his stupid hair. Even when you heard him breathe or chew too loud you got annoyed.

"Alright, Team! The only goal for today is to beat the blue team's ass! Alright?" You blew your whistle, gathering all the campers. "Stop chewing on your shirt, Timmy" you cringed, a frown on his face.

"Okay! The annual water balloon capture the flag contest! Honestly dumb name but whatever, don't get hit, and whichever team gets the flag first wins! Which will be us, so don't disappoint me"

You hated it, and it annoyed you. When the teenage campers would drop to their knees for you. There weren't hot people at this camp, well maybe Ethan. But his attitude took away from his looks.

They would do anything for you to notice them. And so would Ethan Landry. He was on the rival side of the camp, captain of the blue team.

"You're funny if you think your team is gonna win" he smirked, filling the blue tub up with balloons. "Haha, we are. We haven't lost since 2019. We got this" you shrugged confidently.

"Right, we'll see about that" You wanted to slap the smirk off his face, maybe knee him in the balls while you were at it. "Shut up" you grumbled through your teeth, fixing the whistle around your neck.

"Alright! Everyone round up" You stood on the chopped tree, balancing yourself on your dirty platform Converse. You liked them cause they made you taller, like Ethan. But you would never admit that.

"Who's ready?!" You smiled as the crowd of campers screamed, water balloons in hand. "3...2...1!" You quickly ran away, taking cover in the lunch room before anyone could find you. Or so you'd thought.

"Found ya" You looked up to be splashed with water, Ethan smiling at you. "Wow, congratulations" you smirked, throwing one right back at him. Your eyebrows furrowed as you noticed his eyes wandering, just to end up on your chest. "What?"

"I...nothing" He scratched the back of his neck.

You looked behind you, to your sides, and then down your body, that's when you realized. You didn't remember about the fight when you were getting dressed, the white baby tee hugging your boobs perfectly. Your ripped blue shorts showing off your thighs. You weren't wearing a bra either, you had been swimming all morning and forgot it at the dock, and couldn't find it after.

"You fucking pervert!" You let out a small gasp, covering yourself quickly. "I'm not a pervert!" You rolled your eyes, bumping him out of the way as you left. "They're just gonna attack you"

"I'm already out" you mumbled, storming away while trying to hide your frustration.

You couldn't believe it, he was staring at your boobs! He's a pervert, he's annoying, he's disrespectful. You could go on and on about it.

You walked outside to see a bunch of the blue team kids splashed in water. A small smile back on your face. At least you had that. Quickly, you made your way back to the cabin, finally putting on a bra and a red tee you had laying around. Too bad you had to watch what you wore now, there was a pervert in the camp.

But honestly, you didn't care, finding your way back to camp in the loose red shirt.

"Looks like my campers beat yours" Ethan grinned, your eyebrows furrowed at your sad group of campers. "You helped them, didn't you?" He gave you a surprised face. "No? Your team just sucks"

You knew he was lying, his team was full of shit runners. "You helped them" he mocked you, his classic smirk shining back at you.

You leaned over, grabbing a balloon from the bucket before throwing it at his face. "Whoah! Okay, you really wanna fight?" You didn't respond, instead holding back a smile as water splashed his chest.

Harsh splashes of water started hitting you, while you tried to collect more balloons. You threw them back at Ethan. "Ethan! Stop!" You smiled as he got closer, missing his body every time you threw a balloon.

"You said you wanted to fight" he chewed on his lip with a smirk, picking you up by your waist. "Get your hands off me, Landry"

You wiggled around in his arms, pushing yourself off of him.

"Who knew you were strong" You didn't mean to say it out loud, but the thought slipped out of your lips. "Have you not seen my muscles?" You cringed at his words, shaking your head.

"Enough playing around you two, clean the mess up" Your eyes turned into lines, twisting your head at the Camp manager. "She's so annoying, doesn't know how to have fun. I mean, it's a kid's camp" Ethan joked, pulling the blue tub closer to his body.

"And you do?" You asked, your back turned to him as he scanned you down. You gave him doughy eyes, turning your head. You noticed his face was slightly pinker than before. Blush looked really good on him. You scoffed, a small smile on your lips.

"I do" he shook his head, getting noticeably closer to you. "Really?" You teased, trying to hide the fact that you were panicking on the inside.

"Mhm"

“Show me”

You didn’t think he was actually gonna make a move, but the way his eyes stared at you  should’ve told you otherwise.

You let out a small gasp, it sounded more like a moan. The lewd sound got Ethan excited. You tried to pull back, but Ethan stayed dominant, pushing you back against the wall.

You prayed the manager wouldn’t come back, enjoying the moment too much. The way his hands squeezed your waist made you melt. His kisses traveled down your neck, sucking and pecking you all over.

“Enough E, you’re gonna leave marks” you tried to sound confident, but you were too flustered. You felt his heart race in his chest, heavy breaths falling from his pretty lips as he pulled away.

“Am I not fun enough?” He smirked, making you scrunch your nose. “Your fun…but I’m way funner” you teased, biting back your lip with a smile.

“Back to being bold?” You nodded, trying to hide your shyness. You slipped under his arm, running back towards your cabin. “I’ll see you at the campfire?” He yelled, making you turn back.

“See you!”

[utilitycaster]

@notstinglesstoo replied to your post “The thing is, and I haven't gotten a chance to...”:

I saw someone not long ago say cr has always felt like a product to them vs D20 feeling organic and I protected my peace but I did want to ask them if they were brain dead

​Oh man I wanted to address this at length because I feel this. My posts have been centered, again, specifically on published journalists picking Daggerheart aprt critically and applauding themselves for doing so despite it being within a couple of hours of its release and therefore any analysis is necessarily going to be based on at best, a skim, when they just as frequently will claim D20 seasons/Kollok are flawless works of genius based on only a partial read, but man D20's got a fandom problem too. (and all of the following comes with the caveat of "I really enjoy D20, and Dropout, and while we're at it WBN and NADDPod which both are half D20 Intrepid Heroes cast, and think Brennan is a particularly brilliant GM, and also it's obvious that the D20 and CR casts are on great terms, and wish the fandom for D20 were more welcoming and enjoyable because I feel it wasn't like this when I first started watching, as a CR fan, in late 2019 and has since curdled into something really weird and bad.")

The first point is the obvious one: technically speaking these are both products. These are performers doing an art form; it is also a portion of how they make their money with which they can buy goods and services. Believing that art is inauthentic when the artist gets paid and acknowledges that is a thing that happens is a fucking libertarian position at best. Like cool, you think only people who are independently wealthy by other means can make art, because it's not real labor, my kid could paint that, etc etc.

The second point is also pretty obvious. I have pushed back pretty hard on the "uwu CR is just watching friends! it's like we're in their living room" mentality among the fandom, which has decreased, thankfully, but like...it did in fact start organically as a private home game, and they decided, when invited, to make it A Show For An Audience. D20 was created on purpose as a show for an audience. This doesn't make it bad or fake - reread the previous paragraph - but in terms of "this is an group of people who really played D&D in this world together even before the cameras were rolling," Critical Role literally is that, and D20 is not.

I think beyond that...my biggest issues with the D20 fandom are first, the level of discourse is abominable. The tag is almost always just shrieking praise and the most surface-level readings possible. I keep bringing up the "Capitalism is the BBEG" mug but it genuinely sums up so much of how I feel; people who want their existing beliefs fed to them as surface-level no-nuance takes. I mean capitalism is fucking terrible but I do not need every work I watch to have a character turn to the camera and say "capitalism is bad" to enjoy myself, and indeed it makes it harder due to the lack of subtlety and grace. For all D20 fans complain about how unhealthily parasocial CR fans can be (and some can be), I find that a lot of the most unhealthily parasocial "how dare they BETRAY my TRUST by having a ship I don't like or not speaking up about every single societal ill" ex-CR fans move over to D20 and then pull the exact same shit; it simply doesn't get called out. Every time D20 fans are like "we don't want to become the CR fandom" it's like "your toxic positivity and unhealthy parasocial behavior exceeds the HEIGHT of what I've seen in CR; the main difference is that CR started in 2015 when D&D was still shaking off the raging bigot dudebros and so in the early days it acquired more of those fans, whereas by the time D20 came around the landscape of who played D&D and watched Actual Play had shifted wildly, and you need to judge September 2018 D20 fans in parallel to September 2018 CR fans, not September 2015 CR fans."

I also feel, and I alluded to this in the post about journalism, and other people have said this better than I have, but the pedestal people have put D20 on does feel like a single...not even misstep, but just, difficult choice that doesn't capitulate to the loudest fans will bring a good chunk of that fandom crashing to the ground. And that includes the journalists. For all the fans of CR can still be obsessed with the cast to an unhealthy degree? The cast and company have put up pretty strong boundaries and have not budged. D20 hasn't, and I think the second they do - and I think it will be for their benefit as a company and a channel - a big chunk of their most vitriolic CR-hating portion of the fandom will viciously turn on them.

[electricsoren]

Gonna kick the official start of this account with a personal read more post.

That way I know it's real.

You want to hear my screeching? Cool.

I'm mainly wanting to talk about how wild my life is now that I'm poly. And also coming to terms with my disabilities.

Right now I have 3 partners and I met each of them at completely different times in my life. I won't use names since I haven't asked if they are all ok with me mentioning them by name online, and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that either. Friends know and that's all that really matters, you know?

Anyways, there's my I guess primary life partner, and it's more of a queer platonic partner than anything else? But I adore them and we've known each other for about a year and a half now? (Holy shit time is fake has it really been that long?) So the whole disabled thing is something they're more used to, I've just been declining pretty quick this year.

Then there's one of my girlfriends who I used to actually briefly be roommates with. It was back when I was living with my abusers. Disability was getting a bit annoying, I was more aware of it but I could still push through it and I still worked my physically demanding jobs with little issues.

And lastly there's my other girlfriend, who is also my ex from before either of us came out. She's long distance right now but we dated when we were both young and I was able to push through and work through anything. Peak of my theme park time, working in attractions, monorails and other jobs. End of the relationship I had JUST started working in hotels.

I wasn't quiet aware of the differences in my health from back then until this week. Like I said I used to work physically demanding jobs and yeah it may take a little out of me but I was able to push through it. Hell last job I had in attractions I was becoming aware of my issues, but could just power through post of them.

Then November 2019 happened.

And now I'm working at a job I love, that LISTENS to me. I work 4 days a week, have a chair to sit at, and a team that is understanding of my heart conditions and will tell me to lay down in the back to feel better so I can either figure out if I need to leave or just need 30 minutes to an hour to reset. Thursday that happened, my boss had to come in and talk to me, we're short staffed right now, but he told me who to contact and that my coworker said I can take as long as I needed (well until her out time as she was a mid that day) get my coworker who works overnights to try to come as early as she can, which because of her other job was only a few minutes, and I still left at the regular time. But at least she still got there a little early so I could just focus on getting all my stuff finished.

Then yesterday, on Sunday I woke up with a migraine, like normal, popped some painkillers and immediately started feeling even shittier. Migraine was gone, but I was SO aware of my muscle fatigue and my heart was already going in overdrive. I thought I would get better when I get to work and I'm able to slow down, cause a lot of the time it's just I'm doing too much too fast to get ready and once I get to work, sit down and get in my groove I'm fine. That fine never came, I started apologizing to my coworker that I can't fake it today, went to the storage room to cry for a bit. I realized I was BAD and needed to go to the hospital. I spent a good hour or so trying to reach out to management. One of my bosses was out of state for a work conference and the other was also out of state, but for filming (at least I'm guessing that's why. Dude is both very secretive about his acting and very loud about it. I had no idea he was gone until he responded after I solved the problem and got coverage lol) one of my coworkers suggested to call our sister property to send someone over. So I did and waited the hour for her to get here. While I was waiting some regulars asked me if I was ok today. I was real with them and said no and that I was waiting for coverage to get here so I can go to the hospital down the road.

I don't want to get into my experience at the ER, but I'll just say as a disabled, fat AFAB person by myself it wasn't good. :) I got a note for work, which I didn't look at until I was heading to work. I figured since they just brushed me off at the ER for my blood work coming back fine it would tell me to return the next day, and it was just a "hey this person came by today." but it said 2 days. I knew I needed the two days, but I also knew I fucking needed to work. So I asked my boss if it was ok and he said as long as I was comfortable with it he was ok. I lasted MAYBE 20 minutes before I apologized to my coworker and looked for my boss to tell him I couldn't today. Everyone understood, told me to get better and I went home. Then an hour or so later my boss tells me to take the week off. And...I could tell it was a genuine, "we can see you're not doing well, please take care of yourself." type message and not a test? I still asked if he was sure because we're already down an agent. But he told me to rest and get better.

I'm...not used to being cared about in a workplace. When I hit this wall normally it's tough shit, brush yourself off and get right back on.

I even texted one of the group chats and let them know and they all are just telling me to rest and that my health is more important.

SORRY WOW THIS BECAME A RAMBLE. I REALLY DO BE BACK BABEY. But fr, I'm looking forward to posting again. I'm not going to be posting names or anything stupid like I used to. But I still want to share parts of my personal life.

I'm also wanting to get back into writing fan fic. But I'll have a separate blog for that, so it's all nice and together. But I'll reblog it on here.

[millerflintstone]

It's been a while since I've pushed myself to do something out of my comfort zone for career related purposes. In my mid to late 20s, it was getting out recruiting and recruiting related admin work and getting into something technical. I started learning object oriented programming at a community college after work hours to see if I liked it and no one was more surprised than me that I did like it. I made a career switch into software engineering right before I turned 30. Was an intern and everything.

In my 30s, it was getting really good at that. I aimed to get to a senior level and ended up focusing on a specific niche and carving out a path to get better at that. Then I kind of got myself stuck in healthcare software development land because it offered me remote work back when that wasn't a popular option. It helped me deal with financial crap related to my mom and sister and provided flexibility. I really love working remotely but I also got a chance to travel a bit and learned I was good at being a consultant. I did enjoy a lot of the problems I helped solve across the different places where I worked. But travel gets old. I did that for a decade until about 2019 and that last consultant job became full-time and then turned into the TX job from hell.

The one good thing about the TX job from hell was that I got exposure to more Microsoft development things like Visual Studio, SSIS, SSMS. But I do often wonder if I didn't feel the responsibility towards my mom and sister if I would have gotten out of my the hell I let myself get into a lot sooner than I did with regards to the industry and type of software development. My burnout really started when I stopped attempting to challenge myself. Or maybe the fact that I stopped attempting to challenge myself was a sign of that burnout starting? IDK.

Anyway ...

With the content writer / reviewer thing, I've gotten exposure to Python and I've gotten good at testing short scripts. I haven't really had to work my brain, though. But it has been nice to feel that excitement again.

However, with my first official technical writing project, which kicked off on Tuesday, I kind of got into panic mode the past couple of days. I noticed I was avoiding really starting on it because I was terrified I'd hate it or that I'd feel completely overwhelmed, like I did at the last job that did the whole bait and switch on my role and its duties. I realized what I was doing though. It felt akin to self-sabotage and maybe it is that in part. Today was really tough and I was texting Unfriendly about it to voice it because I was so frozen. I identified that I had to start getting out of it by calling it out. Naming it. Not tricking myself into doing other shit, though I had been doing other shit to avoid it. I had to ask myself WHY I was doing this other shit when the thing I had been really wanting to try was in front of me.

Now that I've been working on the project for the past hour, another part of my brain has kicked in that I haven't really had to use since my English major. It's not something I'm bad at, but I recognize that I am rusty. And it is at least slightly more interesting to me than the torturous class section I had on the Romantic Poets in undergrad, so there's that I guess.

[scorpio-karma]

I honestly really don't get it, why after all these years, are people still obsessed and invested in TVD or with the cast? That show nothing but a complete shit show and dumpster fire garbage from start to finish (though the first few seasons did a better job in hiding it, because the show had promise and potential). Nothing  but one problematic thing after another and just so much negativity and toxicity surrounding it. And a lot of your stances raise a lot of questions and put a lot of things into perspective for me. 

First, it's so funny to me that you single out Nina for being a mediocre actress and using that as a reason to say her career after TVD flopped, or that she hasn't done anything since leaving the show. Because the majority of the TVD/TO cast (with the exception of only a few select), were also mediocre and not particularly good either. And honestly, what did you expect from a CW show, of all things? Also, the other cast members haven't done anything or gotten jobs after TVD either. 

Second, only singling out Nina for being problematic and doing shady things, when all of the TVD cast, including your dear and lovely Kat Graham, have done a lot of fucked up, problematic, and shady shit as well. Absolutely none of them are innocent or saints. Ian acted like a straight up, petty, and bitter manchild after he and Nina broke up and he got with Nikki Reed, while Nina handled that whole situation with grace and maturity, even with how shitty both Ian and Nikki treated her. On top of that, he's a fucking abuser who threw away Nikki's birth control pills, coerced her into pregnancy, and bragged about it publicly on a podcast as if it was something to be proud of. 

Third, singling out Nina for supposedly being racist (which to my knowledge, I've never seen her make any racist posts or comments), but say fuck all about Matt Davis, the biggest racist piece of shit in the whole show. Or Nate Buzolic, who on top of being racist, is also a raging homophobic and anti abortion rights. Most of the men on the show have done way worse than Nina or any of the girls, yet I don't see any posts from you calling them out on their shit behavior. Because as always, men can do the most abhorrent shit, they can be racist, homophobic, sexist, misogynistic, they can abuse, rape, or even kill somoene, and still have people defend and support them. But god forbid women aren't perfect and have flaws or make mistakes and fuck up. 

And you all wonder why the TVD fandom had such a bad rep back then, and still continue to have such a bad rep now. The very definition of toxic. 

First of all sweetie, you seem to be responding to some old ass posts from like 2019, so you the one that's still obsessed. Second of all, if you searched my Tumblr thoroughly (which I know is hard given Tumblr piss poor searching system) you'd find posts critical of all cast members. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only one I'm not critical of is Trevino because he knows when to stay quiet. And lastly, I'm definitely only skimming that whole message because you're clearly an unhinged Nina fan who went searching for shit to be mad at since they're tagged as "anti" meaning your not the audience for these opinions. Maybe find more recent and relevant criticisms before blowing up someone's inbox anonymously with a dissertation as to why they're wrong. In fact, maybe put this in an actual response to that post so they know what the fuck you're going on about.

[sp00kymulderr]

5th Nov.

This week has been fucking weird. I don't want to go in to detail but the mental health was not it. But then the last couple days have been ??? oddly good. Thanks a lot to this place, this community. Idk. I'm not much of a good at talking to people person but there's just something about people in this fandom that makes life feel alright. I'm obsessed w you guys honestly 💕

I didn't do much this week. I got ghosted. I went to a Rammstein tribute. I ran around the park with my nephew. I had a shit few days at work but what's that but normal right now?

I've read some good good stuff this week.

Who would I be without mentioning into the beat of the night chapter one - transmission by @perotovar - one chapter in and this fic is already everything to me ❤️

Every Colour Illuminates by @the-blind-assassin-12 was a beautiful way to start my week off, a gorgeous read.

Not a fic, but this Self Care with Dieter & Jett post really put me on a good track after some bad days. Thank you @morallyinept

And because I didn't post my recs last week I have have to mention two fics by @covetyou which changed me fundamentally: Send in the Clown

open hand or closed fist would be fine (I'm reading the rest of swat now and um wow 😮)

Lo, how can i convince you to write a bravo the clown fisting fic?!?!

I actually posted quite a lot this week??? somehow??? The notes are shockingly low and tbh I nearly deleted one of these the day after posting but I am resisting and trying to remain proud that I even wrote anything.

I finally posted Our House of Flames pt 3 - Afterburn which I my ongoing 4 part Joel series. Great if you like grief and misery and guilt lmao.

Put up chapter one of Lucida Sidera, my Ezra series featuring my first original character! This fic is an update of something I first plotted and posted in 2019 and has a special place in my heart.

And I also posted these Pedro boy gender and sexuality headcanons!

Tomorrow I have a job interview…I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but I do need a new job and this one helps me stay in a similar position to what I'm in now. The rest of the week is lacking in any plans bc I’m boring, but I'll definitely be back at the gym and I'm starting a new program so maybe I'll get back into heavy deadlifts since I haven't done any in a few weeks!

Also writing, with hopes to publish a dirty Joel oneshot and possibly a Dieter thing if I can get my act together!

Love you guys. Thanks for the things you do. You're incredible 🩷✨🩷✨

[golbrocklovely]

Didn’t Elton trash Colby’s first car and asked to show his wrists when he knew he was harming himself?

All in all. I watch both accounts but Elton is just crazy. I also think he’s desperate to prove himself and to prove the paranormal like Sam. But then again, they both want to spread a message. But they both differ I guess.

He was at the Hellfire 3 days after I went there. So crazy!

this turned into such a rant omg i'm so sorry

he did wreck colby's car, but a lot of us personally believe he actually just trashed a car that looked like colby's since in the end he "gave" colby a car that look suspiciously like his and was just slightly nicer looking.

and the wrist thing NEVER happened. i've had to reiterate this on several occasions so if i seem a bit snippy about it, my apologies. but this has never happened. colby has never self harmed before, and elton has never made him show scars… since they don't exist.

here's where the rant starts in case anyone wants to read it:

the only reason this rumor infuriates me so much is that it wasn't until last year that ppl started talking about it and bringing it up but there is literally NO PROOF of it's existence. and when you ask ppl where they heard it from, they say "oh someone said it was in a video that got removed" or you also get "someone said it was in a livestream that's been deleted". my issue with this is that the last time snc collabed with elton was in 2019. and it took until 2022 for anyone to talk about this event. if that's the case…. you don't think someone would have brought it up before?? like the ENTIRE fandom just let elton make colby "show" self harm scars and it took three years for anyone to say that wasn't cool? if it happened in a livestream, which notoriously never gave saved or screen recorded all that often, how do you know it happened unless you were there and watched it and WAITED three years to say something about? and if it was in a video that only got deleted recently, no one… not a single person…. recorded it??? i've been in the fandom since 2018, this did not occur bc i've heard NOTHING about it ever until 2022 and the only place i've heard it from is tiktok.

idk who started the rumor, but i really wish they didn't. bc elton is an asshole for a lot of reasons, but this is not one of them.

sorry this is turning into a rant about elton and the tiktok fandom but i gotta vent a bit: i get that some of elton's pranks back in the day were a bit intense. and if you want to harp on the ones that got snc hurt or really emotional, also valid. but some of these fans are being upset for snc when snc don't fucking care about these pranks and SIGNED OFF on them existing and being posted in the first place !! you are talking about the same boys that did the killing best friend prank. clearly, snc can handle a douchebag who possibly destroys their car or slams a hand into their face or whatever. again, i agree that elton went above and beyond with his pranks, but like…. dear lord, please dislike him for the actual bad shit he's done.

he made a rape joke in 2020 and then tried to argue with fans about the semantics of it since he didn't "actually" make a joke about sexual assault. then he bitched about have to remove the video since the clip was at the tail end of it and only lasted like 10 second or whatever. he can't take a lick of criticism and will block fans that don't kiss his ass just bc they have something to say that isn't positive. for YEARS NOW, he has been petty and shit talking snc's name just bc of a video series they haven't done since the early half of 2021 that he believed they copied off of him BUT HE WASN'T CORRECT ABOUT THAT. tfil and 25x25 were not copies of one another. similar? sure, kinda. but not copies. and the single time snc went to the same place as elton THEY GAVE CREDIT IN THEIR VIDEO. but since then, elton has made it his mission to shit on snc any chance he gets and literally has bad mouthed them to crowds of his fans during tour (and most likely to the owners of some of these haunted places since snc weirdly can't go to some of these places for one reason or another but elton and other creators can). elton was BANNED from the conjuring house, and that alone tells me all i need to know about him. when demons can vibe in a space, but not you…. that's proof that you suck deeply as a human being. the only reason he was allowed back recently was bc of it having new owners.

everyone is harping on the old fucking pranks and dumb made up shit and not focusing on ACTUAL shit elton has done. it's like when the anons i had a couple years ago where focusing on shea lying about her age…. who CARES? there are bigger things to pay attention to !

sorry, none of this was directed at you, anon. i've just been really annoyed about tiktok and the dumb shit the fans on there say and it's getting on my last nerve that ppl are focusing on shit that does exist or lying about elton when there is plenty of proof of him being a dick irl. no need to lie on his behalf.

i just realized i never got to the rest of your ask. my bad lol

personally i can't sit thru elton's content bc i deeply don't like him. but if other ppl like him and his content, that's fine ! watch whoever you enjoy more of. my whole thing is elton is the reason i know who snc are, and i don't want to hate him. i would much rather live in the world where they're all still friends with one another and collab when they can. instead we live in the world where elton did all of that and then on top of it didn't even wish colby well when he was going thru his cancer treatment... so fuck him :)

and that's kinda cool that he was there after you. he was definitely copying you, you trend setter haha

[annoyed-galaxy]

So I finally got to a doctor yesterday and man, it was nerve wracking at first. I haven't been to the doctor in five years (the last time being 2019 when I got my diagnosis for PMDD) and this was the first time I was going without my parents. So it was really terrifying for me.

However, I was fortunate to have the sweetest doctor and nurse and they helped me get my prescription back for my medicine and a new "inhaler" (it was, in fact, not a new inhaler, but something for a nebulizer which I do not have resulting in me having to contact my doctor later about that). I also was able to finally do the wretched pap smear. And ever since hearing about that shit, I have always dreaded it. However, ovarian and cervix cancer is in my family so my mom urged me to get that ASAP. And when I told the doctor, she was like: "We can do it today." I cried inside because I really didn't want to, but better not to procrastinate. So that's out of the way and we'll see in two weeks whether or not I have anything.

AS for my medicine and inhaler stuff, here is where y'all can see the true trash of the American healthcare system (since I know a lot of my moots are not American): 1263$ was the total cost of my medicine and inhaler stuff. Yeah that's right. One thousand, two hundred and sixty three god damn dollars for medicine. Around 200 of that was for my medicine alone and the other thousand for the inhaler stuff.

Obviously I can't fucking afford that as a full-time student and part-time worker. But, I have MedicAid. So when I went to the pharmacy to have them put me in the system (because this was a new pharmacy therefore they did not have my information yet) they told they couldn't bill me because MedicAid thought I still had insurance...I have not had health insurance for two god damn years. So they told me to call MedicAid and try to figure out what the fuck was going on. While I'm on hold with MedicAid, I get a call from the pharmacy; I hang up on MedicAid and answer the call. They say they were able to fix things and put me in the system and that the MedicAid stuff went through. They told me the new price because of my copay:

8$.

Eight. Fucking. Dollars.

It went from twelve hundred to eight. EIGHT.

It's a 4$ copay for each medication. So 4 for my medicine; 4 for the inhaler stuff.

We already knew the American healthcare system was bad but holy FUCK. There's no reason that should be a fucking thing. Why not just offer the shit at four dollars anyway???

Anyways, I'm medicated once again!!! The medicine probably won't kick in before my next PMDD week, but I am going to attempt to keep track of myself and journal some more for the time being just to keep an eye on the effects of my medicine.

I'm so fucking happy that I finally got that shit done and am pretty much perfectly healthy. Hoping the medicine kicks me back into gear.

[folliesandfolderols]

Writing prompts day 15

From this prompt list. I set a goal of writing at least 150 words per day in 2024, which sounds pretty pathetic but if you take into account the fact that I haven't written any fiction since 2019 it felt like a feasible target. Anyway I've finished the first draft (it topped out at 88k words) and will be unlocking each post as I edit..

read from the beginning here

Days 13 and 14 here (combined due to work being murder on my word count and not wanting to make super short posts)

***

22. “Shh, just a little more…”

116. “Baby—shit—I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the bed like this.” (slightly modified for characterization purposes)

***

Tim stood next to him, but before Damian could reach for the faucets his attention was caught by that soft spot just beneath his jaw again. He raised up on tiptoe to kiss it. Damian made a tiny surprised sound and gripped his waist, and the vibration of his voice against Tim's lips made him smile into the stubble-roughened skin. He kissed the same spot again, for good measure, bracing himself against Damian's chest for balance as weariness made him sway the smallest bit. His brain was going hazy, which always felt a little weird and led to him doing equally weird things, but he couldn't make himself care right now. Not with Damian's hands holding him steady and his powerful body providing the support he needed.

He lowered down to stand normally again and kissed his way across Damian's chest, licking the water beaded there as he went. Damian widened his stance like he needed to keep his balance, which brought him low enough for their cocks to brush together. They shivered at the sensation, and Damian grasped them both to stroke together. Normally, Tim would've been fascinated to watch the contrasts between them, but right now all he could do was squeeze his eyes shut, press his face into Damian's sternum, and try to keep his knees from collapsing under him. That melting feeling was spreading outward from his belly, flowing through his veins all the way to his fingertips. He was going to dissolve into a sexed-out puddle.

He shook with laughter at the mental image, and Damian froze. "Is something wrong?"

Remorse shooting through the amusement, Tim tilted back to look at him. "No, not at all. I just pictured myself turning into a puddle and you having to mop me up and wring me out into a bucket. Sorry, I get kind of strange when I'm this sleep-deprived, but it's not because you're doing anything wrong--you're doing everything right." He wrapped one of his hands around Damian's and started its motion on their erections once more. "Don't stop. It feels so good."

Damian's shoulders lowered as he relaxed again. His attention refocused, Tim groaned as Damian's grip tightened around them both. Expression avid, Damian ducked to urge Tim's head back to a more convenient angle with a kiss. Tim let his eyes fall shut again and parted his lips to Damian's silent urging. Damian kissed him like he was starving for it, like he'd die without his mouth. Tim had been on the receiving end of plenty of kisses, but he'd never before felt like the other person needed him.

Because that was . . . bad. It was bad, right? He couldn't make his brain dig up the information but he was pretty sure it was bad to need someone you were kissing. It seemed like it should be wrong, anyway.

His body didn't know it was bad. In fact, his body was lit up inside with lust like a bonfire, and he couldn't seem to keep himself from nipping at Damian's lips and licking past his teeth. "Dami--" he moaned. Damian made a desperate noise in response and pulled Tim so close his hand almost couldn't move between them. "Shit--I don't think I'm gonna make it to the bed like this."

"That won't do," Damian murmured against his lips. "I haven't got my fingers inside you yet."

Before Tim could reply (with something along the lines of fuck it, we can do it again after I come and you can finger my brains out then because he was currently a sex-crazed idiot with zero self control), the sound of the water in the pipes changed. He stiffened in recognition. "Oh, hell. Damian, we need to--" The water went freezing cold and he cut himself off with a noise he would deny under oath was a shriek. Not even all his financial resources could get him a hot water heater big enough to fully protect against Gotham winter.

Damian breathed out a laugh and reached past him to twist the faucet knobs to "off." "That's one way to incentivize the journey back to bed." He opened the doors, grabbing a towel from the heated rack and wrapping it around Tim's shoulders before getting one for himself. When he was completely dry except for his hair, he glanced up. Tim had gotten lost in watching one rogue bead of water trickle down from Damian's collarbone to his Adonis belt and was still standing in the same position, holding his towel like Superman's cape and swaying slightly.

"Tt." Damian hung his towel up again and reached for Tim's. "You are clearly compromised. Let me help." He began drying Tim's hair with brisk efficiency that was still gentle for all its speed. "For such a brilliant man you really can show a baffling level of incompetence with self-care. I have often thought you are Father's true heir in that, if nothing else." He began moving the towel down to the rest of Tim's body with careful brushes over his neck, shoulders and chest.

"Don't be mean," Tim grumbled. He held out his arms at Damian's silent urging to let him dry each of them in turn. "I don't want mean Damian, I want the Damian who fucks me till my brains ooze out of my ears. Can I have that one instead?"

"You may have him as soon as I finish drying you off." Damian ducked to dry Tim's calves, and kissed his half-flagged erection while he was down there. Tim whimpered in response. "Ssh, just a little more. Lift your feet and we'll be ready to go back."

Tim couldn't restrain his smile as Damian straightened again. "Thanks. I could've done it myself."

"Of course you could have." Damian hung Tim's towel. "Let's get you to bed. I've promised you an orgasm and I have yet to deliver."

Tim didn't strictly need Damian's offered arm to keep his balance, but he leaned into it all the same as they left the bathroom. He was still cold, and Damian was always a human furnace.

days 16 & 17 here (once again combined due to work being murder on my word count and not wanting to make super short posts)

[tiddiesoutwhenthetisout]

✨️ask game✨️

random emoji-based questions to sate your curiosity

personal

👁 eye colour

🇪🇺 nationality

🏳️‍🌈 sexuality

🏳️‍⚧️ gender identity

🛐 religion

faves

☕️ hot drink

🧃 cold drink

🍜 dish

🍉 fruit

🥦 veggie

🎉 holiday

🎲 game

🏐 sport

🐈‍⬛ animal

🌻 flower

🌦 weather

🌍 place

🚙 means of transport

fandom faves

😇 blorbo

😈 meow meow

👥️ otp

📺 tv show

🎬 movie

📚 book

🎶 musical artist

BRO REALLY SAID "ALL OF IT" 🤣 i like that

i'll try shortening my answers.

personal

👁 the emoji but more yellow (?) under sunlight. it's in another post.

🇪🇺 filo

🏳️‍🌈 bisexual but only 1% men? i'm the opposite of androphilic so...

🏳️‍⚧️ genderfluid. is very fun

🛐 don't rlly care

faves

☕️ coffee :3 which i can't have very often due to medical conditions and that makes me so fucking sad if i'm honest lol

🧃boba. gives me that sugar high, chewing experience, and tons of regret. add cream cheese and it's an entire meal!

🍜 no favorites, but anything with soy sauce tbh. it's not my favorite, but adobo is the comfort food.

🍉 pEACH. PEACH IS THE SHIT BRO.

little story: when a band had me substitute for their vocals one time, they asked me to name compensation besides monetary. i'm so bad at these so they just said "snacks?" and shipped me a whole bunch of peach snacks. it's easy to get my favor; i killed that lineup LOL

🥦 broccoli. i'm improving, but i'm still a picky eater unfortunately... so people found it weird that i've always loved this one.

🎉 don't know don't care

🎲 like... video game, or board game or casino game or- i don't have one anyway. but i recently learned backgammon :3

🏐 i like a lot of them, including volleyball itself, though i've bad history with school teams (in volley, i've gotten sabotaged too) so i kinda only played casually.

more stories! because i can't live without yapping. joined filipino kendo (arnis lol) in middle, sulked and quit after i couldn't go to nationals because my height and weight didn't match my age bracket. i'm still salty. justice for taller girls with muscle mas (and a big ass, thanks mom i guess)! they randomly shoved me into a versus college tourney once for the numbers after that, so i won gold and never looked back lmao.

i loved training sessions though; we'd run around the track and whoever finishes first would get to skip push-ups. my childish satisfaction leaving everyone else on the field, stretch and cool down as they finished their laps and *then* going back to the training area to start doing push-ups immediately, screaming from exhaustion 💀 it was pure sadistic joy i say. they were all boys too so it was fun crushing their pride LMAO this is way longer than i intended but i just had to share this detail xD

🐈‍⬛ CATS. next question. bunnies second, owls next.

🌻 lavenders bc they remind me of my wife and sunflowers bc they remind me of my twin from another mother.

🌦 sunny. other yapping is on this post too.

🌍 in her arms or something. my bed or something. something something.

🚙 the car. cabs next because it's interesting when the drivers start telling me their life stories.

fandom faves

tbh i'm not sure i'm aware about all the nuances of blorbo and meow meow. searches also show different, subjective definitions but uh

😇 patroclus? i can't really think of anyone else since i'm into the entire myths stuff rn. it says morally grey too so...

😈 achilles. they have to come in a set. and it says "committed atrocities" so i guess that's that? lol.

👥 ugh, don't make me say it.

i'm enjoying this link thingy, let me be 🤣

📺 i don't really watch tv but derry girls is funny. i wasn't into it at first but i think my gf brainwashed me through exposure /j wandavision was enjoyable.

🎬 PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS i have a lot in mind, as well as the ones i've seen but have forgotten. parasite (2019) was great though. conclusion still gets me every time.

a lot of horror movies really, and the conjuring (2013) is still a favorite. i haven't seen the babadook nor evil dead yet though lol. nimona (2023), instant family (2018), brokeback mountain (2005), howl's moving castle (2004) for a few among many... my working memory is fucked

📚 ... we will be here all day, please. a book that earned the most re-reads from me is osamu dazai's no longer human. i gotta read it again this year lol.

here's a few i can remember: metamorphosis (kafka), father of the four passages (lois-ann yamanaka), the stranger (camus), notes from the underground (dostoyevsky), ecko series (danie ware), the song of achilles (MM), circe (MM), the brutal art (jesse kellerman), distant echo (val mcdermid)... idk, these are my more recent reads. the rest are random theses from the uni library.

🎶 miyashita yuu (@/miy_yuu on youtube). he's a genius and an all-rounder. makes art, does sports, makes his own costumes, absolute GODLY with vocal techniques, range and control. he's also just a silly human being.

[haloguyfttp]

Hi, my name's Rode. What follows is a very long post because I'm depressed and feeling very lost, confused, and hopeless.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with Autism. At the same time, I was in a (questionable) relationship with someone, which ended in failure. The solitude and sadness of a failed relationship, coupled with this diagnosis, drove me to an extreme depression.

Funnily enough, I persevered for a while, coming to school regardless, and a friend of mine brought a new person into our small 3-person friend group. After a bit of a mess, I would enter a relationship with this person, one far more fulfilling than the 1st. Despite this, I for some stupid reason threw it away, saying things I had no reason to, and since he too wasn't 100%, the relationship and friendship ended there. Despite my attempts, he never contacted me again.

At this point, I've stopped attending school. I was taking medicine to help with my now horrid depression, and I only left the house on occasion to buy groceries for my parents, or go to my friend's house. Frankly, I don't know what happened after this. 2017 is pretty much lost to time, that's how bad my state was. What did happen was that 2017 was the year I became a NEET. I was technically still enrolled in school, if only for the next year until I "graduated", whereupon I would have a result sheet of nothing but Fs, as I never went to the final exam, nor attended any classes.

I don't know when in this timeline, I think somewhere in 2016(?), but the person from the 1st relationship returned and we reconciled as friends. Thus, there were 4 of us, all 3 of them continuing their studies, while I fell behind. And it has stayed this way.

2017 came and went, 2018, 2019

In 2019 my family had to make a choice. Money was slowly being eaten up, as my mom was laid off from work, and she earned the bulk of our finances. By the end of the year, our stuff was packed up and we moved to the Philippines, their home which I have no ties to beyond my bloodline.

2020, 2021, 2022

Pandemic didn't matter, I was a NEET anyway. In late 2022, I tried to get a job. With my parents' help, I got a simple job that I actually quite enjoyed. Just packing shit into bags essentially. Yet I couldn't do it. The noise of people outside the work room, the temperature changes as the room didn't have aircon, but the outside did. The 1 hour car ride both to and fro, with my dad needing to drive me. I quit in a week.

2023

We are here. Well the year's almost over, yet here I am. Still a NEET, having not had a single relationship since the 2 that ended in failure. I finally learned about the concept of being transgender, and that it aligned greatly with what I've felt for this whole story in the background, just another small thing eating away at my sanity as all this time passed. An answer to so many questions I'd had since I was a stupid child.

But the worst part? There's no end in sight. I still can't trust people. I still don't have any friends besides the 3 who thankfully stayed with me, even though I can't even meet them as the plane ride drives me insane. I haven't left my house except for rare times of necessity, like getting vaccinated.

I don't know what to do. It's funny. It's been 7 years. I've spent so much time reflecting, and learning, and even understood that I'm trans. Yet that sentence, "I don't know what to do" has persisted. I know I said that back then. And it's still true now.

Thanks for reading, if anyone did. I wish you a good day, afternoon, evening, and life. Oh and just in case, don't worry about my life. I will not be doing that. I'm not capable of doing that.

[babydinojojo]

Day One/Entry one

Hello everyone, my name is Jordan but y'all can call me Jordie. Usually im on discord but i need another place to post my thoughts about everything on here. Well Here I go

I just finished cleaning my bathroom finally after my mom kept rushing me to fucking finish it as usual breh ;-;, but its okay now cause i can just chill out. So let's start on todays topic because I only have two things on my mind. So lets start with my partner Krisy she's just amazing and the girl of my dreams, i'm really glad i met her and have her in my life, she has her ups and downs and moments when she gets really angry but that's okay because at the end of the day i value our time together and the fact that we spend everyday together really puts a smile on my face. She's everything i wanted in a girl, she's pretty, amazing, adorable, chill, and I would do ANYTHING for her even if it means beating the shit out of someone who dares crosses her or upsets her in anyway shape and/or form. She isn't perfect to be honest here yes, but she's perfect in my eyes and she will always be no matter what.

I just hate the fact that i can't tell her shit sometimes and i struggle to tell her things that go on, just like a few days ago... I couldn't tell her that Kasu was my ex and the fact that the day we started dating.. i was heading home from the emergency room because I had a major anxiety attack that day at school. She tells me things all the time, and yes she lies but still we all lie we ain't perfect, but too be honest it's not fair that she tells me everything and i sometimes forget to tell her things, i always stress on myself there are no secrets, but yet.. I fail even at that.. I really don't wanna hurt her or lose her because i can't tell her things.. and im actually started to keep things fresh cause she's been doing the heavy lifting with that and I haven't. Yesterday I suggested that we watch Maleficent or however the fuck you spell it and then i started picking some new games more and more instead of picking the same old shit everyday.

But with all that said, I love her so much more than anything and anyone in the entire world and i wanna keep her in my life.. Hell i even plan on Moving to Missouri with her soon hehe but first we gotta get there anything and everything is possible and i don't wanna jinx things you know??

The next topic i wanna discuss is trains and the upcoming Class 700 release for Train Sim World 3. I was operating an R32(2007-2010 Phase I) on the B Line in Openbve this morning it was actually a decent run and i only overran one station, im slowly getting the hang of it but I wanna explore other things, that where Train Sim World 3 comes in to play. That game made me discover something new about myself and made me more open to trying other countries and seeing how their train system works. My personal Favorite UK line is the Brighton Mainline and my favourite UK Trains are the Electrostars(Classes 375,377,387), and the Thameslink Class 700(Which is coming out for Train Sim World 3), at the end of the day tho i always stick to the NYC Subway especially the R32s and R42s since they were my childhood and those subway cars were always there for me even during my darkest days back in Middle School, now a days you don't really see them anymore just for fan trips, I like the R179s Yea.. but i just wanna see the 32s and 42s come back because I miss being a child, not 17 going on 18 and this bullshit. The last good year for Humanity imo was 2019 and the fact that everyone was to realize that nuclear war a seriously a bad idea, but look at the world now, we are on the verge of a devestating war. America is more divided than ever OVER sexual orientation,there is a good chance i might end up coming out as Demi(He/They) but Im still straight i mean I feel like i am guy and i do identify as one, but yet i feel like i don't fully identify as one I know my parents and Krisy will support me and so will Dexter but will Jayden Support is the question, eh its fine. Im getting off topic I know but yea America is more divided over LGBTQ and it's such a shame because at the end of the day nobody should have to feel ashamed of who they are and what they identify as, it's not fair to them because the community fought for these rights and its about to be all for nothing only for them to be taken away.

We really need to stand against this, and even as a straight person i always support the lgbtq community no matter what.

The Class 700 i am really looking forward to running it in Train Sim World 3 on Tuesday and Mainly on Brighton Main Line. I was gonna pick up the Glossop Line, but then i thought Nah. Alright that's all i got for now see y'all soon

[innestahtinen]

it's been a while since things about a movie, probably, i don't remember, and i'm not going reading through old posts. last year I watched all three Channel Awesome anniversary movies, and despite them being bad, i have been thinking about them, mainly it's in the third one, how they continued the running thing of not seeing Todd's face by making him Robocop. and they're in my movies yt playlist, so I'm doing it again.

Kickassia (2010):

last year, i gave it a 1.5/5.

i hadn't noticed it, but i think Lindsay Ellis is doing a Sarah Palin impression, but an impression of Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin; the whole 'I can see Russia from my house' thing.

'but Mars Girl is a woman' "sure she is, and I'm the tooth fairy' what? [ok, so this bit's from after I finished, and i was going to come back and say something about not knowing who wrote it, so I can't pin it on singularly that person, but then I remembered that this movie has opening credits, and Doug Walker volunteers himself. so I correct this] Hey Doug, what?

this movie shits on Jimmy Carter as a politician, the guy who warned about how the US needed renewable energy in the 70s, then the Reagan and Bush Sr. administrations said no.

i used to watch nostalgia critic for about a year in 2019, so i don't know who most of these people are, the only one i recognise is Linkara, so they're trying to do dramatic scenes with character stuff, but it means nothing currently.

'we heard gunshots!' "did they come from a gun" - unfortunately, that is the exact kind of stupid comedy i like.

unfortunately, that single point is counteracted by a line 3 minutes later; 'I feel like a puppy that got raped by a bulldozer' not really one for rape jokes.

is this a cutaway gag, but one that's the instructions for risk?

cameos work so well, especially when you don't know the people, but i've said that already.

there was a scene that really reminded me of the classic: 'but i didn't even get her email address' from Spy Kids 3D. for better or worse, given I haven't seen that movie either.

previously it was a 1.5 because it was just dull. and it's still 1.5/5

Suburban Knights (2011):

previously, this was a 2.5/5. it was more interesting, but still not good

ha ha, referring to character in one property by the name of a character from another property played by the same person, ha

i'm going to guess that Doug wrote this one too, in which case; What's his issue with Jimmy Carter, he seems like a nice guy. the guy from inside a book, from the 80s went; 'did we ever have a president worse than Carter?' but i guess that makes more sense, Reagan administration shitting on his legacy, making him look hapless, and all.

I've got less to say, the plot's more interesting, the acting's the same, but it's intended to be a fantasy not a drama, so it can work.

it's probably satisfying for the people who left Channel Awesome to see Doug lose twice in two movies.

To Boldly Flee (2012):

this was a 2/5, there's plot, it just relies even more heavily on knowledge from their videos.

I'm watching this three days later, had work so i couldn't watch it the next day. instead i watched Fantasia 2000 and The First Avenger, both much better movies than this.

there's a joke about 'Spoony' being attracted to his sister, which is kinda distasteful to begin with, but then i thought i remembered that he was the contributer who had a mental breakdown, looked it up, and he tweeted about having sex with someone, and people took it as being that he would rape her. i haven't seen the tweet, so I'm not sure. even so, jesus christ mate.

acting, emotions, the characters are seeing one of their friends maybe die, but they're blank, masterful, the layers of their performances, etc. etc.

poo jokes and penis jokes, sick. I'm not against a good penis jokes, and good thing too, because this one is... fine.

'zombies, dressed in confederate uniforms, fighting women in bikinis' does sounds like a B-movie that I'd hear about, go 'ergh, seriously?' and then never think about again, so i guess they get a point, good job Bradikan.

if any of the idea for the aftermath of the email-writing scene came from the people on-screen, then it's still concerning, but if Lindsay Ellis wanted to dress as Seven of Nine, sure, whatever. if it came from Doug, which it most likely did, what the fuck.

I don't know who she is, but the woman who got 'mind-altered' was pretty good.

not entirely sure what the death star parody is meant to be, it looks like a curling stone to me, but for the life of me i can't remember a scene where it was referenced.

i don't think that's the guy who played Ma-Ti.

'... I'm British, our only contributions to culture is comedic cross-dressing and spotted dick' - "FilmBrain", 2012.

turns out i'm an idiot, the death star is a bomb.

'you've got to point out the things that don't make sense' you mean what they were already doing, isn't that the bread-and-butter of this MCN, finding the small issues, and making references to other media and jokes out of them, then surely it shouldnt' expand any more, because they'll have already said it, and put it out into more public consciousness.

i bet the "that was a good crossover" 'this was too' was added in later in production, when they were getting to the end of the one week of filming.

it's still a 2/5.

if Dominic Noble was in them, it probably wouldn't have made them better movies, but i like the guy so it may have helped my enjoyment of them at least.

[posallys]

ya know reiley has been trying to encourage me to go see a therapist for like over two years now (since october 2019) because that was like 2 months before i moved and on top of that one of my closest friends had just died unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism and i was Going Through It. and i remember bringing up a therapist to my mom and she was like 'no, you're fine' (little back story she was like genuinely intolerable for YEARS and like randomly last year it was like a switch flipped, but ANYWAY) and told me that there was no way i was depressed or anything because my grades were all As and hadn't slipped, etc. etc., and at the time she definitely didn't help my mental health. but like. it's been almost two and a half years and i'm over moving, i'm over my friend dying, my mom isn't a source of stress anymore, but nothing's gotten better, ya know? like about two months ago my dad told me that he thinks im depressed and then just. never brought it up again.

and like idk. i'm genuinely exhausted all the time and talking to anyone other than reiley literally drains me (and it's getting to the point where it's a struggle to even talk to him) and nothing except these stupid fucking books makes me happy lol. like i love softball...i've played it since i was seven and i'm good at it--i've gotten awards, i'm captain, i've gotten offers to play in college...and i've said no. because it's not even fun for me anymore. it's feels more like a burden than fun and i've thought about quitting so many times just because the thought of going and doing something that i loved for so long but don't like anymore makes me insane. the only reason i haven't quit is because i'm the captain and that would be a pretty shitty move. and like there's so many other things that i used to like that i just can't do any more because the thought of actually have to do them is overwhelming. and like my grades aren't bad by any means, but they're not what i'm used to getting (which could be because i'm doing the IB diploma, but.) and it's kind of concerning because i literally studied for this last math test i had for hours and i went to take it and i couldn't focus at all and it was the worst grade i've ever gotten, and idk. the grades don't bother me that much, but yeah. everything else really bothers me though

i don't know where i was going with this but. i'm currently crying over nothing? like idk i was writing this and started crying. i just want to not feel like shit all the time? like why is the only thing im capable of doing over analyzing fucking children's books. why is that the only thing i can do.

im slightly going through it right now idk what to do <3

[amethystblack]

hello~! i'm trying to learn programming and heard that cass is self taught. that's such an inspiration and i would love to hear about her journey(and any tips) if she's willing to share! thank you all for making such an inspiring game!

ok so let me tell you a story. (you can skip to the bottom if you just want the tips.)

it was the year 2014 and i was visiting a college. one of the events of the day was a department fair where some professor would tell you all about what their department does. so i went up to the chair of the computer science department and said "hey, so, I think computers are neat, but I hate to code. do y'all have anything for that?"

man, those were the days.

fast forward to 2019. i didn't go into computer science. i still hate coding. however, i'm also now on the development team for this fucking video game. i believe it's called, uh, punkymen "james" reborn. this video game runs on an engine called essentials. many of you haven't heard of this "essentials" before (especially from me), but this engine has a reputation for being- and this is a technical term, just stay with me- "bad". it's okay if you're unfamiliar with the term "bad"- you'll become very familiar with it and its association to the aforementioned engine very soon. now i'm still just a lowly text file editor (a term used by assholes who code to describe people who don't code) making a whole bunch of battle content for postgame (wow e19 has been in development for literally ever). i had made the theme teams and had moved onto battle tower sets. i looked into the text files (lol imagine looking at TEXT files) to see what the base sets were and saw. things. horrible things. awful things. things that no one should ever have to see. brightpowder mons? focus band? quick claw? c'mon no one wants to fight that. and they topped out at gen 3! gen 3 wasn't even real c'mon now. so i was like "okay. i gotta redo all these." so i did! but then i got to a pokemon called "deoxys". now you might be thinking "hey, wasn't that still gen 3?" and you're right! but deoxys was banned. (imagine getting a legendary mon and never being able to use it. don't worry we fixed that*.) i'm going through these pokemon alphabetically, and deoxys was the first pokemon to have different forms! (*for most of them. the really strong ones are still banned. sorry kids.) the text files (i know they're so 16th century but stay with me here) don't allow you to change those! they also don't allow you to change abilities. now that i think about it, that was probably the real reason for what i'm about to say. which is that i went into the code to fix it! so i dug into the scripts. (i'm going to take a quick break to say that no one should ever ever ever use the script editor in rmxp. it's really bad. technology has come a long way since dinosaurs roamed the earth. in fact, just don't use rmxp. it's really bad. anyway *coughs) so this wasn't technically my first foray into coding- i took an online c++ class sophomore year of high school (which was online, so it didn't count) and i took ap computer science my senior year (the teacher didn't know anything about computer science, which meant it was self taught, and yeah uh-huh i definitely did all the homework and worked very hard in that class and did not just fuck off to the library every day to play civilization or some shit)- but it was definitely my first real foray. it ended up not being too complicated- i figured out what lines read the text file and just added a few extra parameters to them. it was enough for it to legally count as coding. i had also offered to fix some bugs. my first bug to fix was related to meloetta transforming in battle (ironically, something that i ended up removing entirely later). i didn't fix it. battle code too complicated. didn't wanna. back to text files thanksbye (somewhere in here i did a little more coding in grad school. it was kinda unnotable and got derailed by this "corona" thing you may have heard about. it was in c++ and was frustrating.)

so i mentioned that rmxp was bad and essentials was bad. one way that this manifested was that the game was really slow. i mean really slow. rmxp was an engine made in 2003. essentials was a scriptset made out of silly string. if you managed to get it to run smoothly then, well, you were probably lying. it ran like shit for everyone on every computer. i fuckin hated that. so two things happened. first was that i dug up an engine called mkxp and it made the game run a bit better. still not great! but better. then someone by the name of perrence dropped into ame's patreon server (hello did you know that ame has a patreon? you probably don't because she never talks about it, but this is MY post and IM talking about it and it's right here) and was like "hey this game is really slow and i have a thing called a profiler that will tell you where it's slow". oh man. this was, like, my calling. my sworn duty. my mission. i went apeshit on those scripts. i am not going to go into detail about what i did, since you can read about it on the dev blog. this post is about me. and not only did i go apeshit on those scripts, i googled the fuck out of them, too. my optimization binge was really a perfect storm of factors: i was very highly motivated, had a script with lots of inefficiencies to experiment on, and had a shitload of free time because it was summer during a pandemic. i think i spent 70-80 hours a week for, like, a month or two, just tinkering around with the scripts. anything i wasn't familiar with (which was really a fair amount of stuff) i looked up online. i tried tons of different ways to improve the code until i got tired of the specific issue i was working on and moved on. this whole experience was important because 1.) it made me realize that, hey, maybe i'm not too bad at coding! and 2.) i really like writing clean, pretty, efficient code. so that was really what got me started. i've done a lot since then! the original optimization blitz wa- oh my god it was two years ago what the fuck-- sorry, sorry. i'm ok. whew. the original optimization blitz was (*breathes) two years ago, and it made me comfortable enough with the scripts that whenever i found an issue that annoyed the hell out of me, i could just get rid of it. and i've done that a lot since then! (there'll be another coding post soon, trust)

i, uh, it's been almost an hour and a half.

oops!

so i'll just put in a few general tips:

- coding classes suck and you shouldn't take them (or, at least, nothing beyond the basics) anything you can learn about coding from a class you can learn on the internet. there are tons of tutorials online for general knowledge. even beyond that, if you have a more niche/specific question (hey is there a speed difference between a case statement and a conditional) there's probably a bunch of other people who have also wondered that and one one of them has almost certainly done so on a message board. there's lots of information out there if you're searching for it. which...

- coding class assignments suck and you should avoid them there is not a single person in the universe who has gotten passionate about homework. the only exception to this is when an assignment goes beyond just being homework. part of why i got so into my work was because it wasn't just work- my efforts resulted in a meaningful difference that i could visibly see (granted, i was seeing it in an FPS counter, but that's not nothing!). if you can find something that you can tinker around with and have an enjoyable time doing so, it'll be far better for you than a stupid c++ class. which...

- c++ sucks and you should avoid it ok this isn't actually that true, i'm just sticking to the format. there are a lot of coding languages. they all have their quirks and specific syntax and different uses, but they all follow the same fundamental rules: all you do with code is use logic to mess with data on a computer. that's basically all it comes down to! you tell a computer "hey, this thing does this, and that thing does that, and if this thing is equal to some other thing it should do something else" and you've coded. so find a coding language that you like. i don't like c++! it has a lot of rigid syntax rules and isn't very flexible. low-level coding languages are like that. ruby is great. i like ruby. you can make some really pretty code with ruby. coding in ruby is a little more like writing prose, where coding in c++ is like writing an instruction manual. high-level languages like that are much more pleasant.

one last thing.

- watch out for assholes! so i don't know what gives, but there are a lot of people in this business with really big egos. this is incredibly anecdotal, but i have a running theory that coding classes teach you that there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way to code and, as a result, there are a lot of comp sci majors with their heads up their asses. there was actually a guy who made fun of someone because "real developers" coded and he just edited text files! please never be like that. there was another guy who dropped into my comment section to chadsplain* how to program to me. that guy is still probably off running relic castle, too. coding's more of an art than a science, and "good code" isn't really a thing. obviously i really care about pretty, optimized code, but the thing about code is that most people aren't going to see it anyway. *chadsplain (v.) an explanation given under the assumption of the superiority of the person offering the explanation.

fuck it's been another half hour. i'm just bitching about people at this point anyway, so i'm going to do everyone a favor and cut myself off.

tldr: find a project you like, in a language you like, and google things you don't know. that's all i did.