#i have to emphasize. i took this screenshot TODAY

[consultingjedi]

wh. why is my doctor's office using the tumblr error image from like. 2010.

[fckedinlove-inactive]

my boy and i finally got the chance to actually fuck around and not just something super quick while his roommate is sleeping and fuck, was it worth it.

our first round was the first time we’ve talked abt anything violent (while i’m getting him off) in a really long time. earlier today i made a few small cuts in the middle of my chest, at the bottom of my sternum, and he went fucking insane for it. i showed him videos and photos of me dragging my knife along my torso and pressing the point to the gap between each half of my rib cage. i told him all about how easy it’d be just to drive the knife all the way into my body, and his response was to make a post abt exactly what he wanted to do to me (which i’ll add a screenshot of). tonight when i was letting him use his toy, i talked abt how i’d let him dig his hands all the way into my abdomen and feel my warm body around him while he rides me. i reminded him that when people die, they get especially hard—that he could very likely get me to cum inside him even once i’m dead. i don’t remember the last time i heard him get that loud. we talked more abt how he could bite my tongue off and drink the blood from my mouth, taste me while he cums around my necro cock. he came so fucking hard; i could hear him caught in limbo, his body stuck hesitating on the edge right before it finally fucking hit him and he came harder than he has in probably a month.

the second round started with him asking me to call him a good little boy. of course i couldn’t help but oblige him more times than i’d like to admit. after that i was sure to make up for it by humiliating him for how fucked up he is. ageplay used to be in his “hard limits” list on tumblr, then he ended up taking it out just a few weeks into knowing me. i never forced it on him; all i did was call him a good little boy every now and then and he completely threw himself into it, asking me for more. i just gave him what he wanted so repeatedly that he realized no normal person would be in tears begging to get fucked like a little boy, so he took it out of his limits. it was only a matter of time before he moved it into his kink list. i made him do exactly what i mentioned, by the way—repeat “please fuck me like a little boy” over and over. the way his breath caught in his throat as he turned his toy up a setting genuinely sent chills throughout my entire fucking body. i had him grind up against it nonstop (and now that i’m laying here writing this out and imagining his hips working against his toy, i’m struggling to finish this post). he came nearly as hard as the first time once i finally let him. he sounded so fucking pretty too, especially because i’d kept telling him that i wanted to hear him, that it was the least he could do after all the work i’ve put into making him worse.

the third round was a lot more relaxed. baby boy was getting sleepy so i had him drink some water and get comfortable in bed before letting him use his toy again. i don’t remember a good amount of what i was saying; from what i can recall it was a way more toned down version of the second round. i vaguely remember lots of praise, though. he accidentally came after a short conversation about me using his throat and mouth while he’s gagging, drool and tears running down his face. i think that’s what actually pushed him over the edge—me telling him in the softest voice there’d be drool coating his face just like a pretty little boy and i’d have to wipe it off. he made the sleepiest, most adorable moans before a couple quiet whimpers of “cumming” and then finally the sounds to prove it.

i want to emphasize how much i fucking love this boy and how important he is to me. i don’t usually mention this, but i always check in with him before, during, and after. he always gets as much aftercare as i can offer with lots of “i love you’s.” i don’t generally like to mention it because i consider it very intimate and would like to keep it as such, but i also want to state that my baby boy is very loved and very well taken care of. i expect a lot of praise from whoever reads this so i can show him and put a pretty smile on his face. (he does have a very cute smile, by the way.)

[fckedinlove]

my boy and i finally got the chance to actually fuck around and not just something super quick while his roommate is sleeping and fuck, was it worth it.

our first round was the first time we’ve talked abt anything violent (while i’m getting him off) in a really long time. earlier today i made a few small cuts in the middle of my chest, at the bottom of my sternum, and he went fucking insane for it. i showed him videos and photos of me dragging my knife along my torso and pressing the point to the gap between each half of my rib cage. i told him all about how easy it’d be just to drive the knife all the way into my body, and his response was to make a post abt exactly what he wanted to do to me (which i’ll add a screenshot of). tonight when i was letting him use his toy, i talked abt how i’d let him dig his hands all the way into my abdomen and feel my warm body around him while he rides me. i reminded him that when people die, they get especially hard—that he could very likely get me to cum inside him even once i’m dead. i don’t remember the last time i heard him get that loud. we talked more abt how he could bite my tongue off and drink the blood from my mouth, taste me while he cums around my necro cock. he came so fucking hard; i could hear him caught in limbo, his body stuck hesitating on the edge right before it finally fucking hit him and he came harder than he has in probably a month.

the second round started with him asking me to call him a good little boy. of course i couldn’t help but oblige him more times than i’d like to admit. after that i was sure to make up for it by humiliating him for how fucked up he is. ageplay used to be in his “hard limits” list on tumblr, then he ended up taking it out just a few weeks into knowing me. i never forced it on him; all i did was call him a good little boy every now and then and he completely threw himself into it, asking me for more. i just gave him what he wanted so repeatedly that he realized no normal person would be in tears begging to get fucked like a little boy, so he took it out of his limits. it was only a matter of time before he moved it into his kink list. i made him do exactly what i mentioned, by the way—repeat “please fuck me like a little boy” over and over. the way his breath caught in his throat as he turned his toy up a setting genuinely sent chills throughout my entire fucking body. i had him grind up against it nonstop (and now that i’m laying here writing this out and imagining his hips working against his toy, i’m struggling to finish this post). he came nearly as hard as the first time once i finally let him. he sounded so fucking pretty too, especially because i’d kept telling him that i wanted to hear him, that it was the least he could do after all the work i’ve put into making him worse.

the third round was a lot more relaxed. baby boy was getting sleepy so i had him drink some water and get comfortable in bed before letting him use his toy again. i don’t remember a good amount of what i was saying; from what i can recall it was a way more toned down version of the second round. i vaguely remember lots of praise, though. he accidentally came after a short conversation about me using his throat and mouth while he’s gagging, drool and tears running down his face. i think that’s what actually pushed him over the edge—me telling him in the softest voice there’d be drool coating his face just like a pretty little boy and i’d have to wipe it off. he made the sleepiest, most adorable moans before a couple quiet whimpers of “cumming” and then finally the sounds to prove it.

i want to emphasize how much i fucking love this boy and how important he is to me. i don’t usually mention this, but i always check in with him before, during, and after. he always gets as much aftercare as i can offer with lots of “i love you’s.” i don’t generally like to mention it because i consider it very intimate and would like to keep it as such, but i also want to state that my baby boy is very loved and very well taken care of. i expect a lot of praise from whoever reads this so i can show him and put a pretty smile on his face. (he does have a very cute smile, by the way.)

(originally posted oct 6)

[yokseekan]

Graphic Design, Internet, and Broader Culture

I realized that I feel nostalgic for 2012 and 2013. I made thumbnail images for my Roblox games at the time. It feels so strange to feel myself wanting to grab these images and make a nostalgic website out of them. But why? Those thumbnails are so bad by today's standards, but I guess the nostalgic aesthetic is a thing.

It is crazy… It is such a nothing-burger by itself, but because it represents a time and vision of graphic design and appearance that no longer exists, it is valuable. The early 2010s of Roblox was still very much the Wild West when it came to graphic design and game design; however, the games have definitely become much more modernized compared to the late 2000s of Roblox. So there were definitely pockets of the style that it is known for today. More broadly, one could see numerous blogs that resembled the mid to late 2000s even then, because modernization was assymmetric.

People are so nostalgic it's crazy. Maybe, we're not necessarily nostalgic. But I've seen people literally try to emulate the look of an older book in graphic design, and that goes for numerous other older physical things that were "digitized."

We love the messiness of it, the imperfections, the grainy look that speaks of history, the creased edges, and the feeling of texture through them.

This reminds me that yesterday, or two days ago, I went outside to help my youngest brother pick out paint colors to match the screenshot he took of a color picker in his computer, and while waiting for the rain to stop, we sat down. During this, I picked up a newspaper published on September 1, 2024, and I saw an article there that talked about the terms "FOMO" and "YOLO". I was like, "What the hell is this? Is this still the 2000s? Do they really think people still say these as if they were still new? I mean, FOMO is still used, but that is from the 2000s. YOLO is no longer being used in everyday language, and if it is, it is not new whatsoever." I reiterated about the changes between the 2000s, 2010s, and the 2020s to my younger brother, emphasizing the wild west era of the 2000s, the initial centralization of social media platforms in the late 2000s and 2010s, and the maturation of users and algorithms in the 2020s now that everything is digitized now with the normalization of politics and culture emerging from the Internet originally. I repeatedly mentioned how outdated the article was in terms of its references. I mentioned the terms "skibidi", "rizz", and "fanum tax" as a way to demonstrate just how outdated the article was. It was written by a middle-aged man, and I realized that many people still live before the 2000s still in terms of their understanding of Millennial culture insomuch that they have not even touched Gen Z culture. I assumed internally that the author's audience made up people his age. While speaking, I got the intention of two women sitting in the next bench, and while I do not remember their ages, they were probably Millennials in their thirties. It is crazy to think that even after all this time, the Internet is so illusory to many. It makes me realize that explaining my history to older people will be challenging if they have not been exposed to the Internet, because I communicate through Internet videos, websites, and e-books.

20 years in the Internet world is incredibly fast, but that should not make one think that 20 years in the physical world isn't. This is why I was so surprised that there are articles written like they were made in the 2000s, because there are numerous people that live like we have not reached the 2000s yet even if we are in 2024. It is strange to see that some people are outdated by 20 years in terms of their understanding of Internet culture. It makes me realize that if someone stopped their broader Internet algorithm major social media platform use in 2012 after using it since 2009, they would be a gold mine of Internet references from that time. This goes the same for immigrants who keep their slang and culture from the time that they left their home country insomuch that when they return 20 years later, the slang and culture in their home country has changed drastically, while they haven't. It must have been normal for people to have such assymmetric understanding of the broader world and culture through the Internet before the Internet. I can only imagine just how outdated a lot of people were before the 2000s in terms of understanding the broader world, even with newspapers and such.

20 years in the Internet world is incredibly fast, but that should not make one think that 20 years in the physical world isn't. This is why I was so surprised that there are articles written like they were made in the 2000s, because there are numerous people that live like we have not reached the 2000s yet even if we are in 2024. It is strange to see that some people are outdated by 20 years in terms of their understanding of Internet culture. It makes me realize that if someone stopped their broader Internet algorithm major social media platform use in 2012 after using it since 2009, they would be a gold mine of Internet references from that time. This goes the same for immigrants who keep their slang and culture from the time that they left their home country insomuch that when they return 20 years later, the slang and culture in their home country has changed drastically, while they haven't. It must have been normal for people to have such assymmetric understanding of the broader world and culture through the Internet before the Internet. I can only imagine just how outdated a lot of people were before the 2000s in terms of understanding the broader world, even with newspapers and such. The Internet both made this less of a thing, but amplified simultaneously. The Internet is its own history, yet it is a key to understanding the general response and reaction of a larger world than what the offline realm could ever achieve on its own. However, the offline realm covers aspects that the Internet does not. It covers the local, while the Internet can cover both the local and the global, but in terms of its own digital space only. So offline media and Internet media should be seen separatedly, but that does not mean that the Internet has not functioned like offline media in that it has been used by local cities and communities to interact with each other the same way offline media is used. Ultimately, the world is growing much more informed, interconnected, and amplified, for better and for worse.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

Give me *something*

7/4

It’s a shoreline

There’s something on your carpet I drew something awful on it(you’d have to see my floor and have the backstory to get it)

You’re such a wonderful person but you’ve got problems

"Sorry, not sorry"

[field recording of crickets starts at 4:06]

Apparently I’m waiting for the man is about buying heroin

Feels like everything's starting to hit me

Modern guilt I'm under lock and key

Tell me "bout your claim to fame

Now ain't that some claim to fame

Extra, extra, read all about it now

Ooohhh sweet mama

Watch me, watch me disappear

How can I talk when you've got the gag?

a cancer that the crooked eye spun

Babydoll bleeds just for me

Little girl, she's on the ground

She gets it all for falling, falling down

Hand me my triple weight so I can weigh the work I got on your girl

(Too weird to live, too rare to die)

“have I ever let you get caught?”

Girl, you know you're lost

Vertrauen means trust or confide

Oh no! No you're not on your own

Just a minute alone will do

We’ve got to think fast

I had me a vision

Ask me if I’m alright; is you blind

No love allowed

I see her at the window ( actually I saw him, and he pretended he was oblivious to the fact that he was walking in front of my apt, and kept himself preoccupied with opening a package, and then everything now started to play, which I found hilarious)

The kids can’t maintain after what you said

They have to pause and think, get it through their pretty heads

You can't carry it with you if you want to survive (this also played at 2:49, and today was the first time I heard this emphasized, but both times it happened; and when I took a screenshot for 4:34, the time passed was 3:47, which tethers the message to that guide)

struck from a great height

Twitching and salivating like with myxomatosis( did you know this is a disease rabbits get that makes them go crazy?)

But it got edited, fucked up, Strangled, beaten up

Used in a photo in Time magazine

[lennies-blog]

English translation - Sebastian Vettel at the project launch “Bio Bienen Apfel” (27.04.22)

Here it comes! :D At the request of @sebunda​ here is the English translation of the press conference of the project launch of “Bio Bienen Apfel” that Seb is a part of (that was also the project where he built a bee hotel last summer).

Please forgive me for not translating the whole thing, it was like a 1h 47 min video (and for refence; it takes me like 2-3 hrs for a word-to-word translation of a 10 minute video). I translated the beginning, so you know what it’s about and Seb’s input at the press conference where they launched the project, as well as press questions. I will add the video where he answers the press questions at the end ^-^

I sincerely hope there are more than two people reading this, it took a hell lot of time :D

Source and also all of the picture/screenshot credit: Bio Bienen Apfel (Facebook Livestream)

The Bio Bees Apple project is being introduced. The importance of bees as our number one pollinator for a variety of food, but especially the apple is being emphasized.

“That’s why Frutura launched the unique social project “Bio Bienen Apfel” (Bio Bees Apple). This project should be a symbolic support of the message for the necessary paradigm shift. Something has to change in society and everyone can do their part. (…) Therefore it is an indispensable concern for us to not only protect the bee’s habitat, but to create it anew. That’s the origin of the idea for the Bio Bee Apple. (…) We are proud of the numerous partnership with companies as well as prominent personalities that give the project their voice out of personal interest. (…)”

________________________________________________________________

Press conference for the launch of the project “Bio Bienen Apfel”

The press conference is the official launch of the project in Germany this morning (27.04.22). It is mentioned that the project itself is almost exactly 1 year old, launched in Vienna, Austria in April 2021. Topics of the conference include:

- Why launching the project in Germany?

- What is the project about?

- What can each and every one can do (to help/participate?)

Video snippet:

Seb: “We are in Spielberg today and in within the scope of the race we thought together with the project Bio Bienen Apfel that we would call for tenders at several schools - and the kids were drawing very diligently - and build a bee hotel in form of a race car together. Without the bees - it doesn’t look good for us in the world and since their natural habitat is being pushed back more and more it is important to stand up for it and create new habitat.”

(…)

Seb: “As a social project it is about society and everyone of us can take part.”

(…)

Ariane Frank-Mühlenberg (Vice President of the Hungaroring Sport ZRT): “We’re excited to be able to give the bees a new home here at the Hungaroring, to give the bees a little bit of peace in all the hustle of Formula 1, so that they feel comfortable here.”

(…)

Seb: “It’s incredible what we already achieved with the Bio Bienen project within the first year. The future will be even more exciting, I’m looking forward to it.”

________________________________________________________________

Host: “But what exactly goes on inside such a bee stock? Sebastian Vettel and Lisa Marie Schiffner will help us answer this question. Joining us from the Karl-Franzens University in Graz is Prof. Dr. Thomas Schmickl. Is this the beestock of the future?”

Schmickl: “Yes, that is exactly such a kind of project that we are working on to help the bees in the best way we can with the help of technology. And if that succeeds, we might have our first prototype right here. And I can show you what we want to built in. We thought about how we can make beekeeping accessible for people who normally would have difficulties getting into it (*Seb’s interest piques*). We created a certain image of so-called ‘lifestyle beekepers’, who does not want to have a lot of work, but wants to integrate it into their daily life and be able to keep bees on their balcony for example. What does this person need? What would be interesting for them to be able to take out the honey from their own beestock in the end? Maybe just the amount you would need for breakfast.”

Host: “And that’s possible with this?”

Schmickl: “This is just a prototype, it is still too big, we would need to figure out how to get it into a beestock over the course of the next years. But the goal is, that if you turn it on – the honeycomb has two sides, the front and the back, filled with honey and the bees are on both sides. And usually the harvest is a not so bee friendly procedure. You have to open up the stock, disassemble the honeycombs and so on and here it is... if anyone wants to press the button?”

Lisa Marie tries first, Seb manages to press the button.

Schmickl: “Now you can see how the honeycombs go apart, the honey can run down the back side, the bees are not disturbed or crushed, a little amount of honey will run down and after 5 seconds the combs will go back together. And then of course it would be ideal of we would have little tap where you could always get a little amount of honey when you press the button. That would be one of the features where we thought it could be interesting and of course more bee friendly. And you could also think bigger to get it for professional bee keepers as well.”

Host: “We will now try to take a look into the inside of such a stock and while you’re at it converting it – Congratulations Sebastian, 8th place at the last Grand Prix!”

Seb: “Yeah.” (*is humbled, smiles brightly, laughs*)

Host: “You’re laughing, but that’s something we can congratulate you for!”

Seb: “Well… yeah, right :D At the moment, yes, but 8th place (*laughs brightly*)”

Host: “Has been worse”

Seb: “Well yeah, it has been worse, but has been better as well” (*keeps laughing/smiling, shrughs continously*)

Host: “Yeah, one time or two times.. (*laughs*)”

*Seb laughs*

Host: “Still – very nice to have you here! To join us after a Gran Prix weekend. I think what connects you with this topic is of course, technology, but also your interest in farming”

*Seb raises his eyebrows and nods*

Host: “We talked about it last time in Vienna, that you spent some time on Bio farm and did a kind of internship. How did you get into contact with this topic, why are you interested in it?”

Seb: “Pffff (*puffs*), well the topic, the initial contact with it – maybe as we heard it before in the introductory interview – eating/food does play a great role in sports of course, and you have a lot of people that start telling you what to eat and when and why, and maybe it’s just in my nature, I don’t always believe everything right away and ask a lot of questions. And I started asking myself: ‘Why is some food better than others?’ You kind of grow up and know there is ‘normal’ food and then there is bio (eco) food and you ask yourself what is the difference exactly? And when I started to take a look into it,  I noticed there is not only one bio certificate, but in Germany it’s more than 200 I think and I thought that was really exciting, why is not everything cultivated the same way? Is there a difference and what is the goal? And without going to far back, I think there are a lot of ways how to not be too invasive in nature, the habitat of bees or also in livestock farming, and that’s how I started my interest in ti and it’s like a whole world that opened up and also incredibly interesting, as a lot of questions about the future are involved. We all like to eat, or have to eat and of course there is always the question where something is from and there are huge differences. And there are a lot of great people who deal with how to make our future a better place and that is of course the reason why we’re standing here today, that we start acting and that we think about what can be done.”

(…) Host talk a bit with Lisa Marie (who is a content creator) and Seb gets jokingly bullied that he doesn’t have social media and no Instagram account, so the exact opposite :D

They get shown a prototype of the digital bee stock.

Host: “Two more questions to the two of you: Sebastian, how much are you the guy, when it’s about technical stuff, who wants to know every little detail about their car?”

Seb: “Oh, that’s hard, because there is so much technology in the car. It’s obviously very interesting, the same as it is here, where I naturally have a lot of questions, and with the cars – I obviously grew with the cars as they changed and also regarding the changes in the regulations – I would say I am quite knowledgeable, it interests me, of course, and I am into it, but I also am no expert. I don’t know, if it’s about how the battery cells are structured that’s kind of where I get lost, but I think it’s important that you have a certain knowledge and you can also feel it, the car and the technology, and you can listen to it, as well as it was explained right now: If you know the bee a little better, learn what she needs, what drives her then we can know how to help her. And I think one and the other is completing each other.”

________________________________________________________________

Panel is now open to questions. (The first and second out of the 3 questions in total were only directed to Seb :D)

Conny Konsak: “Hello everyone! Conny Konsak, journalist. I was privileged to work as a journalist for 26 years in Sebastian’s circus, before your time – how do you combine the two? You’re driving on asphalt, we just now heard it should be sealed less and now you’re fully on a nature trip. Could that be your future one day?”

Seb: “Yeah, well I have definitely been on the off road already as well, or rather lost my way, well at the moment I’m still very much active but who knows what the future holds. But gerenally it is in all of our interest to create a future where we can enjoy the things that are dear to us. And that of course counts for my generation but also older generations, the younger generations, if affects all of us. I think, and I already mentioned it previously, there are so many things that overlap, it is all connected and I think that’s really interesting. As I said I am really curious and ask a lot of questions. And I also still have a lot of open questions and I will have the time one day to look for answers for all these questions. So I am curious what the future will bring but I can imagine that it might go in that direction, but there’s definitely a lot more to learn.”

Martin Modewetz: “Hello, Martin Modewetz from the German Press Agency. I also have a question to Sebastian Vettel regarding the topic of sustainability. I would be interested to know how you yourself feel about self-sufficiency? Is that something for you? And then a kind of football-specific question (*Seb raises his eyebrows*): What do you think your favourite club, Eintrach Frankfurt can still achieve? (Eintracht Frankfurt will play the semi finale in the UEFA Europa League against West Ham and is currently at place 9 out of 18 in the first German football league)

Seb: “Well, football first. I would obviously like the Eintracht to get into the final. I also think it is doable, but you would have to ask the football experts here in this round, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed. And the first question was, sorry, topic of sustainability…”

Modewetz: “About the self-suffiency”

Seb: “Oh, yes. I think it’s very interesting, but you also have to be realistic. It is a restricted capacity for me to educate myself on it, train for it, to get the knowledge about it and then also put it into action, but it’s also not possible for everyone. Not everyone has the space, the option to follow that path. That’s why I think it’s a mix of both: People who can afford it, time wise and financially, to educate yourself on it simply to know where everything comes from as we talked about earlier, regional products, just to think about what lies in your cart, where do the things come from, how were the animals (treated) or how was it cultivated, under which circumstances, what is the product, but all in all I think also the responsibility, that everyone has access to such products and that it’s affordable, that people are able to pay for it. As it is nowadays in farming, but again I am no expert, I think a lot is executed through subsidies, to simply reform the system a bit or renew it, to support things that make sense in contrast to supporting things that obviously don’t make sense and in our world as we know it, in front of the challenges we’re confronting to not have a future anymore.”

  ________________________________________________________________

Take away (I thought I’d add that for you, to support Seb with his project):

The “Bio Bienen Apfel” project is a EU funded project that supports the conservation, protection and creation of bee’s habitat.

-       Everyone, not only companies, initiatives, communities or charities are invited and able to participate.

-       A little patch in the garden, a raised garden bed or any available place can help create habitat for bees (for example through wildflower seeds).

-       You can find further information at www.BioBienenApfel.com (website in German only)

-       Everyone who wants to engage in the project launch in Germany can send an email to biobienenapfel@frutura.com until the 13th May 2022, and describe why they want to plant a (wild) flower lawn. The most valuable submissions will be chosen by the promotional partners. 

[clingylilhoneybee]

Okay so I sat on making this post for a second but based on how gross this made me feel, I decided to make it so nobody else had to deal with it. Please block leyla-in-pink if you have similar boundaries about individuals commenting on your weight

Despite their pinned post expressing they support plus size women not being fetishized, I had my pic today reblogged from them with the tag “fkg” and after finding out that it meant “fat kinky girl” n that they use that tag for any larger person with female associated anatomy, I asked them to delete it. (The one screenshot of my unsent message pretty much summarizes why I have that boundary~ the “I do” is in reference to whether I consider myself fat or kinky). The obliged and blocked me almost immediately, which is fine with me.

Then, a couple minutes later I received further messages asking if I was offended by the reblog and and then chalking it up to fatphobia. In the 30 seconds-a minute it took me to reply to their first message, they not only blocked me again, but reblogged the previously deleted post with the same tags as before.

Consent is so important in the kink community and to not only keep my post with those tags on your blog but to put it back up specifically because I asked for it to be taken down shows such a terrifying disregard for consent.

That being said, even if my boundaries came solely from internalized fatphobia, actions like this are NOT the way to help combat fatphobia. This entire interaction only serves to call me fat without my consent, take it back, and then call me fat once again as a “punishment” of sorts because they did not like the reasoning they decided I had for my boundaries. How in the hell is that supposed to do anything but reinforce internalized fatphobia???

Nobody has the right to assign labels to another person that they do not assign to themselves, and they especially don’t have that right when those labels carry a strong history of harm. And it is disgusting to try and do that in the kink community and then try to emphasize the value of consent in the community.

[radiorenjun]

I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Warnings: mental breakdowns, heartbreak, rejection, major angst, arguments, flashbacks, physical injuries, fighting.

• Wordcount : 8.7 k

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: XI, XII

• A/N: special thanks to @orange-nimon-cross​ for betaing this chapter. And special thanks to @c-sanshine​ for being my editor for the past year or two, I hope you enjoy your life of waking up and not expecting 8 screenshots worth of writing

“HE WHAT?”

You bit your lip, wincing at his loud voice. You quickly slammed your palm against his mouth to shut him up. At this point you were wondering if it was a good idea to tell Renjun about the talk between you and Jaemin at his house yesterday. 

“Could you be any louder?” you hissed, nervously smiling at your classmates who were staring at the two of you. Renjun’s hand wrapped around your wrist to  pull your palm away from his face, frowning at you with a roll of his eyes. “So let me get this straight, two years of treating you as if you’re the bane of his existence and two months of you ghosting him, he suddenly wants to restart your whole friendship?” Renjun emphasized, his brows furrowed.

At that moment you had a flashback of Jaemin’s taken aback expression when you refused, the way he made a downtrodden expression at your words that almost made you take it back the instant you said it. The way you exited his room with a heavy heart, forcing yourself to get out of the house you missed visiting so much. The empty feeling that came when you moved further and further away to what your soul called home.

You let out a heavy sigh, nodding. “Pretty much,” you confirmed, your heart aching at the memory of the way Jaemin’s hopeful expression melted into one that resembles a small child when his mom had thrown out his favourite toy. Well, it kind of felt that way as well, if you were being honest. 

“Seriously, I know he’s dumb but I didn’t think he’d be this dumb! Dude, he had no right to come crawling back after breaking that music box. It was your-” 

“I know, Renjun. You don’t have to tell me twice. It was my music box, after all.” you snapped back, stopping him from finishing his sentence as Renjun bit his lip, watching as your expression grew dark at his words. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking down at his fingers when he realises he had spoken too much. “It’s fine, just forget about it, alright?” you rubbed your temples, waving him off.

Renjun cleared his throat, swallowing his guilt for bringing up the sensitive topic. “So what did you say?” he asked, trying to keep his tone casual. You bit the insides of your cheek, wincing at the memory before mumbling under your breath, “I said no.” 

Renjun’s eyes widened. Truthfully, he was proud of you for refusing the bastard. Alhough, he couldn’t help but wonder why you said no. He thought you’d jump at the opportunity to restart your relationship like opening a new chapter to a book. After all, he knew you’ve been dreaming of loving and being loved by your soulmate like the hopeless romantic that you’ve been your whole life. He didn’t expect you to refuse Jaemin’s offer, and by the looks of it, you didn’t either.

“Oh. Is it okay if I ask why?” Renjun asked hesitantly, unsure if he wanted to know the answer. You let out a puff of breath, leaning your head back to keep your tears in painfully aware of your curious classmates. “It hurt, you know. I mean, call me selfish for rejecting my own soulmate but it’s just really unexpected you know?” You started, blinking back your tears.

“Jaemin was my best friend, I knew him like the back of my own hand. And sometimes, he changes his mind on a certain opinion due to peer pressure or because of guilt. A part of me was happy that he wanted to start things over, trust me, I was ecstatic.” You added on, trying to swallow the heavy lump gathering in your throat. “But again, another part of me thought that it was too good to be true, you know? I overthink alot sometimes and it gets me down a lot but-” you paused to close your eyes, rubbing them with your palm to casually wipe off your tears.

“But a part of me didn’t want to believe that he wanted to restart. I don’t know why, I mean, it doesn’t make much sense!” You sat back up, looking at Renjun with an exasperated expression, your eyes red as your mind keeps screaming at you in messy thoughts. “He saw me as the living bane of his existence for almost two years. I loved- I still love him! But he didn’t need my love, hell! He told me that a countless amount of times that he couldn’t see a future with me.” You exhaled, clenching your fists tightly in the pockets of your hoodie.

“Maybe I didn’t want to accept that he wanted to change. So my dumb mind decided to assume things I shouldn’t. Maybe he’s doing this to stop people from looking at him as the asshole who rejected his own soulmate. Maybe he finally gave in from the anxiety and peer pressure. For fucks sakes, maybe he’s doing it because he feel sorry for me. Maybe he’s tired of seeing his former best friend moping around from unrequited love that he decided to force himself back into my life when I’m finally starting to get better.” 

You rambled on and on, oblivious to the fact that Renjun was staring at you speechlessly, his brows furrowed in concern. Your pupils shaking as you try to keep your tears back, your head leaning down to look at your feet nervously as you continued to ramble on about the boy who hurt you. The boy who made you feel so much pain. The boy who broke you.

“I don’t want people to love me because other people wants them to. I want Jaemin to lov- to like me for my dumb self. It’s not fair to him, it’s not fair to me. I don’t want to wake up and stand by Jaemin knowing that he’s just doing it because he feel sorry for my pathetic ass,” Renjun cuts you off by tugging the hood of your hoodie over your head, halting you of your frantic rumbles, glaring at a few of your classmates who were starting to look at you questioningly.

You took a deep silent breath, feeling Renjun’s hand lay on top of your head comfortingly as you try to hold back your tears. You were a mess. How did things end like this? How did you end up so broken over losing your best friend?

Why did it hurt so much?

You said ‘love’. But really you don’t know what love is. You’ve never felt love before. Sure, you felt parental love, family love, love in friendships. But what was it like to actually feel loved by the person who was born to do nothing but love you? When did you realise you loved Na Jaemin so much? What made you so attached to him? What had happened to make you so determined to change his mind and forcing him to love you?

Oh who were you kidding? You remembered everything. There isn’t a day that goes by since you realised how much you loved Na Jaemin.

 You remembered the first time Jaemin actually made your heart skip a beat was a couple months prior to your birthday, before you got your stupid soulmate tattoo. You two were in your first year of high school. Young, innocent and happy. Life was simple. You had Jaemin by your side, and he had you by his. You were infamous for being attached at the hip, that people believed you were going to be soulmates by the time you get your tattoos.

“Good morning, y/n!” your friend greeted you as she sat on the seat right in front of yours, making you look up from your work book. You had forgotten that you had homework the day before, so you were trying to do all of your 20 numbered homework in the span of 15 minutes right before your teacher arrives to class. Jaemin refused to lend you his homework that night because he was too busy playing games again.

“Hey!” you greeted frantically, giving her a small wave as you aggressively scratch the mistake from your paper with your pen, too much in a rush to take out your whitener and remove the spelling mistake you accidentally made on your paper. “Another day of doing homework before the teacher arrives, huh Y/n?” she chuckled, scanning the work book placed on your desk as you tried to write as fast as you could.

“Indeed, I am. Because a certain someone didn’t want to help me with my homework!” you huffed, attracting Jaemin’s attention from three tables away from you. He turned his head at the sound of you shading him from halfway across the room, halting his conversation with his friends to yell ‘I can hear you!’

“You better!” you shot back, sticking your tongue out at your best friend who just gave you an innocent peace sign. You went back to focusing on your homework with an annoyed huff, blowing out a puff of air as you frantically wrote down the answers to question number 11. Your friend chuckled at the innocent banter, shaking her head at the two of you. “I swear you two are practically soulmates,” she joked. You gave her a menacing glare as you wrote.

“Kidding!” She grinned, waving it off before looking down at your paper, wincing slightly when she saw the answers. But she knew not to tell you since you were already in distress. Instead she peered at you, squinting when she saw something quite off about you on that certain day. “You look different,” she commented.

You didn’t look up from your paper, choosing to nod slightly before sticking your tongue out in concentration. “Uh-huh. What about me looks different exactly?” You asked, licking your lips in concentration as your eyes dart from your textbook to your workbook. “I don’t know, you just look suspiciously off today.” your friend continued with a suspicious hum, examining your features slowly.

“Off?” you muttered mindlessly, scratching off another spelling mistake you accidentally made. “Off how, exactly?” you mumbled once again, paying no mind to your friend looking at you as if she was playing a ‘try to spot the difference’ game. “Wait a minute.” Your friend gasped, dramatically raising a hand to cup her mouth. 

You look up at her with a raised eyebrow, your hand still writing sloppily on your paper as you let out a small ‘what?’ in response. “Y/n! Are you wearing lip gloss?!” she exclaimed with a small squeal, causing you to drop your pen in shock. You gaped, not knowing what to respond as your mind spun to come up with some lame excuse to say no. “What?” was all you could say to respond to your friend who couldn’t keep her grin from stretching eye to eye.

“Yeah, you’re definitely wearing lip gloss. Oh my god, little y/n is growing up and wearing make up!” she squealed, the cheeky grin never leaving her lips as she leaned her cheek against her palm, watching you come up with some lame excuse. “I’m not! I swear!” you shook your head vigorously, frantically waving your hands as you tried to wipe of the glossy pigment from your lips, embarrassment flooding your face.

“Oh come on, don’t deny it! I know lip gloss when I see it! You can’t lie to a person who sells lip gloss for a side job, y/n!” she giggled, waving her hand off as you continued to deny it. “It actually looks great on you, not gonna lie. Though you might wanna buy something from my store to see something that would actually match with your whole aesthetic!” she exclaimed causing you to whine. 

“I’m not wearing lip gloss,” you muttered shyly, looking down at your homework before picking up your pen with a small pout. “But does it really look good though?” you asked after a few seconds, looking up at your friend who laughed in response. “Yeah! I think a different colour would suit you even more though. I’ll show you my lip gloss stock if you want. And some stores for recommendation, too!” She encouraged with an enthusiastic nod. 

You scrunched your nose at the thought of using make up in school. But what can you say? You were a normal teenager 15 year old girl who just wanted to try somethings new after hitting puberty, would it kill you to try on a few light make up cosmetics once in a while? 

“Maybe I’ll start using lip gloss more then,” you chuckled, looking up at her confidently which caused your friend to give you an encouraging thumbs up. “Oh my god, you’re actually going to wear make up. I thought that’s never going to happen till you’re at least in your late 30s.” She exaggerated causing you to let out a whine in retaliation, smacking her arm as she giggled at you.

It all happened so suddenly.

Before you could process it, you felt two fingers cupping your chin, turning your head to the side. You froze when you saw Jaemin standing right beside your desk, next to you and your friend with his thumb and index finger holding your chin gently and turning your head to face him. He tilted your head up with a serious expression spread across his face as he concentrated on your face, causing you to flush in embarrassment at the sudden contact.

You and your friend’s eyes widen at his bold move, staring at him with a baffled expression. “J-Jaemin! What are you doing?!” you exclaimed, your hand coming up to his wrist in alarm but making no effort to remove it. There was something comforting in the way Jaemin gently held your chin up at him as his eyes examined your lips, most of the gloss having been wiped off by your hand previously.

You looked up at him in confusion before tensing in his hold when his other hand came up to your face to wipe off the remaining gloss on your lips with his thumb. The rough texture of his thumb swiping over your slightly chapped lips, the gloss now staining his skin as he gently rubbed your bottom lip in feathery motions. His touch so soft and gently you could barely feel it. 

In a split second, the comforting feeling disappeared when he pulled away from you with a bashful smile, his ears slightly red at his own actions as he wiped his thumb against the fabric of his pants. He cleared his throat gently as you gaped, still taken aback at the unexpected touch that felt slightly too intimate for two best friends like you should be feeling.

“Don’t wear lip gloss. Or any other make up,” he said at you, his sweet smile making your heart flutter, your stomach still doing somersaults at his previous actions. “You look way prettier without make up. If I catch you wearing make up once again, I won’t hesitate to wipe it off of your face by my own hands again.” he chuckled, coughing to cover how flustered he felt as you bit your lip nervously.

You bit back a smile, nodding at him as you looked down at your shoes. “Whatever you say, Jaemin.” you muttered under your breath, as he snuck his hands into the pockets of his pants. Jaemin bashfully smiled before turning to leave the classroom to the bathroom to get rid off the glittery pink pigment off of his thumb. You coughed, turning to your friend who just stared back at you with her jaw dropped wide open.

She let out a laugh of disbelief, giving you a knowing look as she closed her gaping mouth to form a cheeky smirk. “I stand correct. You two are totally soulmates,” she sing-songed with a shake of her head, turning to her own desk as you let out a soft whine at your friend. “Shut up, I’m literally going to be so pissed if you two don’t end up having the same tattoos once your birthday comes by,” she commented, making you flush in embarrassment.

You gazed at your left wrist, longing to see what your soulmate mark would look like. You let out a flustered smile at the thought of your own best friend having the same soulmate mark as you, a giddy feeling rising up your chest as you stifled a soft giggle. You swallowed down the funny feeling of your heart fluttering and butterflies swarming around your stomach when you heard the door to your classroom open.

A familiar voice boomed through the walls of your classroom. “Good morning, students!” your teacher exclaimed, a pile of books in hand. You glanced back at your half filled paper, panic rising up your spine as you let out a deep breath.

“Shi-”

The memory sent sharp pains into your heart, your wrist burning once again against your skin as you scrunched your face in pain, wiping the tears away with the fabric of your sweater. Renjun sighs as he watches at you sympathetically, wanting nothing more but to take your pain away. But he knew he couldn’t do anything but watch his best friend writhe in pain as you continue to try to move on from being rejected by your other half, hoping that you would get the happy ending you deserved at some point in your life.

He knew he wasn’t going to turn a blind eye if Jaemin tried to hurt you again. He wasn’t going to stand still and let you get hurt,. He was going to give Jaemin a piece of his mind. He was going to make sure Jaemin would think twice before talking to you. He can’t stand watching you break in front of him, leaving him to comfort you and make you stop blaming yourself for something that wasn’t entirely your fault.

It wasn’t your fault you were stuck being soulmates with someone so selfish and inconsiderate. It was the world’s fault. It was fate’s fault. If there was something that Renjun could agree on with Jaemin, it would be how he thought fate was too cruel for putting the two of you together.

You scratched the back of your head as your eyes scanned the seemingly endless row of books on the shelf for that book your friend recommended to you a few days ago. Brows furrowing as you leaned your head up, squinting to see the book you were looking for, using your pointer to spot the title as you slowly stood on your tippy toes before you found what you’re looking for.

You grunted as a hand coming up to support you on the shelf as you attempt to reach the damn book. “God dammit,” you muttered under your breath, huffing as you started hopping to reach the book before looking both ways to see if the coast was clear and lifting your foot up to the shelf to climb it.

“Y/n?” 

You paused, slowly turning your head around to see Jaemin poking his head from in between the books from the other side of the shelf across the one you were climbing on. “Jaemin?” you jerked your head to the side to see Jaemin even more clearly, biting your lip at how quick you turned your head at the sound of his voice. “Are you okay?” he asked with a slight chuckle.

Your foot almost slipped at his words before you quickly gripped on the wooden shelf even tighter to regain your tight grasp on it, leaning your body against the shelves even more as you let out a small squeak. “Fine! Just fine!” you exclaimed, giving him a nervous smile before looking up at the book. “Just trying to get a book.”

“Oh, do you need help?” he asked with a sweet smile. You turned away from him, shaking your head. “Nah, I got this covered,” you said, using a free hand to wave him off before reaching for the book. But to your avail, you weren’t even close to touching the damn book. You groaned internally, masking your pain in case Jaemin was still looking.

You turned slightly, trying to see if Jaemin was still watching you from the corner of your eye. To your surprise, he wasn’t. You sighed heavily, relieved that he had left you alone, so that he couldn’t witness your futile attempt, but how were you supposed to get your book now? 

Less than ten seconds later, Jaemin came back with one of the librarians’ special stepladders, shooting you a smile as he watch you try to climb the damn shelf. “I knew your short ass would refuse my help so I just went ahead and ask for a stepladder,” he joked, putting the stepladder right beside you before climbing up and grabbing the book himself, watching you frown and climb down the shelf, hopping onto the carpet floor.

He climbed down the steps to stand in front of you, the white book in his hand. “Your book, your highness,” he smiled, handing you the book as you looked down in embarrassment, muttering a small ‘thank you’ under your breath. “What were you doing here anyway?” you asked, looking up at him as you hugged the book to your side. 

Jaemin bit his lip shyly, a hand coming up to rub the back of his neck as the tips of his ears grew red. “Would it kill me to say I saw you coming here and I followed you because I wanted to see you?” he confessed. You felt your heart jump, feeling yourself getting flustered as butterflies swarmed your stomach.

He’s got to be kidding.

You gulped, biting back a smile before shaking your head as your mind wandered to the events that happened the day before. You slowly released your bottom lip from your teeth before a frown took place across your lips, you coughed awkwardly before nodding at him, trying to cover up how flustered you felt. “No, not at all, but I do think that’s quite concerning,” you commented, clearing your throat.

Jaemin frowned at how your previously flustered expression had morphed into one that displays just how uncomfortable you felt, wondering if he had said something wrong. He tried to pay no mind to it, clearing his throat before speaking up again. “Anyways, what’s that book for? A project or something?” he asked, pointing at the white book he previously grabbed that was now in your grasp. “Huh?” you looked down to see the book in question before your mouth formed an ‘oh’.

“No, not a project. Yeoreum, you remember Yeoreum right? She’s in our History class on Fridays. She recommended me this book to read because according to her, I really need to get my mind off things. I took her word for it and searched for this damn book,” You explained, opening the book before flipping through the seemingly endless pages of words and paragraphs. “Well you must be desperate to take your mind off of things to have to climb up the shelf to get the book,” he chuckled.

You let out an awkward laugh, nodding as you looked away from him, feeling your heart clenching. You both knew what you couldn’t take your mind off of. “I guess you can say that,” you mumbled, your voice trailing off as a soft frown took place across your face once again. Jaemin bit his lip, trying his best to come up with something to keep the conversation going. 

You took a step back awkwardly. “I’m just going to get this checked out. I’ll see you later, then, Jaemin.” You waved at him with a tight lipped smile, turning around to slowly walk to the librarian’s desk. Jaemin’s eyes widen slightly, trying to come up with some pathetic excuse to stand by your side. “Wait!” the words left his mouth before his brain could decipher it.

You paused in your step, hesitantly turning your head back to him. “Yes?”  you asked almost inaudibly. Jaemin gulped when he realised he had nothing to say, biting his lip as he retracted his hand that he had unconsciously stretched out when he stopped you. “Can I come with?” he asked, cringing at how desperate he sounded.

“You want to come with me to check out my book?” you asked, slightly confused as you furrowed your brows at him. Jaemin opened his mouth, hoping that he would come up with something as an excuse to be with you longer. But to his dismay, nothing came into his mind. Not even a lousy excuse.

He closed his mouth abruptly, avoiding your eyes as he nodded with a shy smile. “But why? Don’t you have practice or something?” you asked, cocking your head to the side. Jaemin gulped at your question, internally debating on whether to lie to you or tell you the truth. He sighed as he remembered how you despise whenever he lies to you and how you can still read him like an open book.

“I just want to spend a little more time with you,” he spoke truthfully.

You felt your stomach do somersaults, as you maintained an emotionless expression to try to cover up how your heart was practically soaring through the skies at the thought of Jaemin wanting to spend more time with you. “Oh.” you mumbled, looking down as you try to conceal how flustered and happy you felt. “Okay then,” you replied almost inaudibly.

He wanted to spend more time with you? What was that suppose to mean? You literally live next door! You have at least one class with each other every day, what more could he want? 

You shook the thoughts out of your head, not wanting to get your hopes up. Never again. You didn’t want to think that you had a chance with Jaemin anymore. You’re going to come to terms with reality and move on. Maybe he just wanted to be friends again? I mean, you two have been best friends since you were in diapers. It would be a shame to throw away more than a decades worth of friendship.

“So what are you doing after this?” he asked after a short pause as you both walked up to the librarian’s desk, handing her the white book. “Is that all?” she asked, not sparing the two of you a glance as she scanned the code on the book. You nodded at her before responding to Jaemin, “I’m heading over to Mr Seong’s office, he says he wants to talk to me about the art club or something.” 

Jaemin’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, nodding slowly before furrowing his brows in confusion. “I didn’t know you joined the art club,” he exclaimed. You turned your head to him with your eyebrows raised. “What do you mean? I’ve always been in the art club since our second year of high school?” you raised a brow questioningly.

Jaemin’s eyes went wide at your statement, racking his brain as he tried to remember if you had ever mentioned anything about the art club. “Doesn’t ring a bell,” he mumbled, his brows furrowing in confusion. You smiled softly, letting out a soft chuckle. “It’s fine. Renjun got me into it, it’s pretty fun though. I finally get how you feel when you rant to me about practice.” You waved it off, grabbing the book and thanking the librarian before walking out of the library with him along your side.

Renjun, huh?

“You two have been pretty close, huh?” Jaemin couldn’t stop himself, cringing back at how bitter he sounded. You didn’t seem to notice, though as you hummed in response. “He’s there for me when I need him, and I’m there when he needs me,” you replied simply as the two of you made your way to Mr. Seong’s office. Jaemin felt an ache in his heart at how happy it made you when you talked about Renjun, his heart clenching against his chest.

“Also! He taught me how to use acrylic paints properly!” You exclaimed almost childishly, taking Jaemin aback at how hyped you were. Your eyes wideend slightly before taking a step back, giving him a bashful smile. “Sorry, its just- I’ve always wanted to use paint properly without messing it up too much and luckily, I have Renjun to teach me,” you exclaimed with a light laugh, causing Jaemin to give you a tight lipped smile.

“Sorry, I’m getting a little side tracked. Oh, well. We’re here,” you stated, realising how fast time flew when you turned to see that you were both standing in front of the door to Mr Seong’s office. “I guess I’ll see you around, Jaemin,” you waved, knocking on the door softly before poking your head in and stepping into your teacher’s office.

Jaemin stood still in his tracks, staring at the wooden door. The Winnie The Pooh painting from one of the students from his arts class that was hung right beside it felt like it was making fun of him with it’s sinister smile. He stood there in the half empty halfway, gazing down at the floor in an almost depressing way.

It wasn’t suppose to be surprising but the ugly feeling still laid deep down in his heart. The ugly feeling of realising how he’s been replaced by someone else.

“So anyways, I went- hey, is that y/n?” Hyuck pointed, his head turning to the door of the art club. Jaemin turned his head up, gazing away from his phone screen before turning to where his friend was pointing at. “She’s part of the art club?” Hyuck whispered, leaning close to Jaemin as they watched you paint on an empty white banner as you chatted with your friends on the white tile floor through the glass window on the door.

“Yeah, I guess. She told me that, the other day.” Jaemin nodded, not tearing his gaze away by how the light from the sun peering through the window illuminated the room, admiring how the sunshine made it look like as if you were glowing. “Apparently, Renjun got her into it.” he added, his voice trailing off as he leaned his body more to the side to get a better view of your smile, watching as you threw your head back laughing at a joke your friend made.

He had a small content smile of his own as he watched you wipe your cheek with the back of your hand, turning your head when your friend pointed at how you had accidentally smeared yellow paint across your cheek in the process. You took two fingers and swipe them across your cheek, looking back at the yellow now staining your fingers before laughing along with your friends.

“Oh hey guys, what are you doing here?” Jeno smiled, walking over to lay his hand over the handle of the door, involuntarily blocking his sight of you. Jaemin frowned slightly but bit his tongue when he realised Jeno was going to go inside. “Oh hey, Jeno. We were just passing by.” Hyuck nodded, looking at Jaemin who gave him a knowing nod. 

“What are you doing?” Jaemin asked curiously, trying his best no to eye Jeno’s hand on the handle of the door. “Oh, I’m just here for voluntary work.” Jeno replied, gesturing the tote bags filled with paints and brushes in his hands. “Voluntary work? I didn’t know you do that?” Hyuck exclaimed, adjusting his spectacles as he eyed the bag filled with paints and brushes.

“Yeah, well. I’m pretty good friends with Yanan, the president of the club and he wanted some help in painting the banners for like some sort of event? I don’t remember, man. I’m just here trying to be a good friend,” Jeno shrugged making Hyuck let out a sarcastic laugh. “That’s so random of you. Are you sure you haven’t been bribed or anything?” he asked, crossing his arms as Jeno rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, Hyuck. I’m not you, I don’t do things just because it benefits me, dumbass.” Jeno stuck his tongue out, causing Hyuck to let out a small laugh. “Well, enjoy your little picasso painting session then, Lee Jeno. Me and Jaemin are going to-”

“Hey, can I come?” 

The two boys turned to Jaemin with equally baffled expressions and furrowed brows, but the boy beside them wasn’t even sparing a glance at them. However, he was leaning his head to the side as if he was looking through Jeno’s shoulder for something. Or someone.

“Huh? You want to go with him? For what? Painting banners for hours? Dude, I thought you wanted to head to the arcade!” Hyuck exclaimed incredulously, looking at his best friend in disbelief. To his dismay, Jaemin wasn’t even close to paying attention to him, his words turning deaf to the younger boy’s ears. Jeno turned his head to see what he was looking at before letting out a soft ‘ah!’

“Jaemin just wants to hang out with y/n,” Jeno teased, giving the boy a light smirk. Jaemin snapped out of his trance, his pupilss dilating as he cleared his throat. “Shut up, Jeno.” He muttered, eyes avoiding his friends’ gaze to hide how flustered he felt. Hyuck simply tsked at the boy, shaking his head in disappointment. “And I thought you were better than this, you certified simp.” Hyuck tutted, crossing his arms.

“We lost another one,” Hyuck cried out dramatically, receiving a smack on the upper side of his head afterwards from Jaemin who rolled his eyes at the boy. “Are you guys going to help me talk to her or not?” he asked with a tired sigh, running a hand through his hair in distress. 

“Didn’t you get rejected the other day? Not to be mean or anything but what if she really doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore?” Jeno asked, a smile on his face but his voice was laced in deep concern. “In other words, you might bug her. You know? Like, back when you were still a total jackass less than a year or two ago,” Hyuck slung an arm around his friend’s shoulder who frowned at his words.

“I want to make it up to her, how am I suppose to make it up to her if she’s not going to talk to me?” Jaemin huffed. “I just really want to be on good terms with her again,” he frowned, guilt glossing over the brown haired boy’s eyes as he stared down at his sneakers. Jeno frowned, sharing a knowing look with Hyuck who gave a silent exasperated sigh before nodding at the older boy in confirmation as if to say ‘fine.’

“Fine, we’ll paint some banners just so you can talk to her,” Hyuck gave in, internally saying goodbye to the arcade after school before Jaemin decided to ask them to basically be his wingman. “Try not to fuck this up, please?” Jeno jokes causing Jaemin to let out a laugh with a sarcastic roll of his eyes. “Chill,” he inhaled.

“It’s not like I’m getting in to annoy her, I just want to talk to her,” Jaemin laughed as Jeno opened the door with a light chuckle. “It’s really cute how you don’t know that they’re literally the exact same thing,” Hyuck chuckled, slipping his hands into the pockets of the jacket he was wearing over his body as they both stepped into the bright art room, the fresh smell of paints, canvases and old brushes filling their senses.

“Jeno! What took you so long?” Yanan, the club president exclaimed, walking up to the three boys in an apron splattered with paint, a few smudges of paint spread across his skin as well. Jeno smiled sheepishly, “sorry, man. I got more people to help though. Guys, you know Yanan, right?�� Jeno turned back to his friends who gave Yanan a friendly wave or a casual nod. “Oh hey, Na Jaemin, the football team’s captain, right? Lee Donghyuck from Calculus, right?” Yanan asked, receiving nods from both boys.

“I never knew you two would be into painting or shit,” Yanan cocked his head curiously as Jeno placed the tote bags on the desk nearby. “Yeah, well, you see. Jeno was like desperate because he didn’t want to do this alone.” Hyuck started rambling, making Jeno roll his eyes, grabbing an apron from the supply closet at the back of the room. “He begged and begged for us to join him. And us, being the amazing best friends we were, we had to agree because we can’t bare to see Jeno so upset and lonely. Right Jaemin?” Hyuck smiled sweetly at Jaemin.

Jaemin let out a small sigh, nodding silently as Yanan let out a soft laugh. “Whatever floats your boat,” he chuckled, shoving an apron into each boys’ grasps. “Get started, we don’t have all day. The quicker we can do this, the sooner we can all go home!” Yanan clapped enthusiastically, turning them before shoving them forward to the students who were sitting or laying on the floor as they painted the banners. 

“Dude, I don’t even know what we’re suppose to be doing. What are we suppose to paint?” Hyuck exclaimed as he watched Jaemin put on his own apron, tying it around his waist as he stares back at your figure busy painting on different types of flowers on the corners of the banner. “I don’t know, just go with the flow!” Jaemin shot back defensively, picking up a brush of his own as he walked up towards you nervously.

“Hey y/n.” 

Your head shot up, eyes widening to see Jaemin’s unexpected figure sitting right beside your laying figure. You were on your stomach as Jaemin sat down beside you, waving innocently and giving you a charming smile that almost caused you to swoon. “Jaemin?” you furrowed your brows in confusion, pulling your brush away from the banner as to not accidentally stain the floral patterns you drew with random paint drops. “What are you doing here? I thought you didn’t like art,” you wiped the wet brush off with a nearby cloth which was already stained with different paint colours before dipping the brush in a cup of water. 

“It’s not really my thing but I’m here to help with.. er- whatever this is,” he smiled, gesturing to the banner as he sat up properly, crossing his legs. You raised your brow at him, unconvinced but you weren’t one to judge so you just shrugged and went back to painting. “Okay then, I’m not going to ask,” you muttered, removing the brush from the cup of water before patting it down with the previous cloth before poking the tip into a palette of paint.

“Wait, what exactly are we doing?” Jaemin asked, watching you furrow your brows when you realised you ran out of purple paint. “Uh, something about the banner for next month’s charity event?” You muttered, pressing your hand on the floor before sitting up and grabbing your palette, trying to get as many paint as you can into your brush. “Oh, the one after the game?” he asked, receiving a short hum from you.

“What are you painting then?” he asked, gesturing to the half finished floral patterns on the border of the banner. “I’m painting this one for the gate,” you didn’t even spare him a glance as you turned back to grab a tube of purple paint, smacking the tip against your palm before popping open the lid to squeezing the life out of the bottle. “It looks great, I didn’t know you could paint this well.” Jaemin commented, admiring how pretty you looked with the sun shining over your form, highlighting your pupils.

“Uh-huh-shit! I’m out of purple paint,” you clicked your tongue, beginning to stand up as you shut the lid of the paint bottle. “Hey wait, I can get it for you if you want-” Jaemin exclaimed, beginning to sit up as well but you shook your head at him. “I’m good, I bet Renjun still has some left over. I’ll just go ask him, you can just stay here and help paint or something,” you muttered, tearing your gaze away as you try to spot Renjun from the crowd of students huddling up over their own banners.

“Wait what am I suppose to paint?” he exclaimed when he saw you take a step back. You refrain from letting out a frustrated groan. You’ve been painting these banners for the past couple of hours, you had an exhausting day, you haven’t even finished that essay Mrs. Choi had assigned you to do the other day which was due tomorrow. You were exhausted, you just wanted to get this last banner over with so you can finally pack up and head home.

“I don’t know, Jaemin! Maybe help with the details of the flowers or something,” you snapped back, walking away from him before tucking the paintbrush in the space between your head and your ear. Jaemin frowned as he watched you walk over to Renjun with a polite smile, politely asking him for some paint, only for Renjun to nod and wipe the sweat off of his brow, standing up as he gestured you to head over to the back of the room to check the supply closet.

Jaemin blew out an annoyed puff of air, dipping his own brush in water as he spitefully dipped his paint brush in a can of paint nearby and decided to colour the tips of the leaves with a darker shade of green. “How did it go, lover boy?” Hyuck asked, standing right in front of the sulking boy who gazed up at him with a small pout on his face. “Shut up,” he grumbled, smearing green paint over the soles of the older boy’s shoes, causing him to squeal playfully in response.

“Hi Haechan,” you greeted as you returned to your spot beside Jaemin, laying back down on your stomach on the floor with a soft grunt. “Oh hey y/n,” he nodded, shooting you a warm smile as you proceeded on painting small purple petals. Jaemin cleared his throat, “so you free today?” he asked, eliciting a soft hum from you. “I don’t think so, why?” you responded, furrowing your brows as you stuck your tongue out in concentration.

“Well, I was thinking of getting started on the presentation?” Jaemin cringed at how pathetic his excuse was, biting the inside of his cheek as he carefully watched your reaction. “You know we could just do that thing where we share a document in google docs right? We don’t necessarily need to come over to each other’s houses for a little presentation project,” you chuckled weakly, dipping your brush in a little bit of water to lighten the pigment. 

“I know, but my wifi hasn’t been working very well these days,” he lied through his teeth, leaning back against his arms as he clenched his fists behind him. “You know you’re always welcome to use the wifi from my house right? My wifi’s always fine,” you deadpanned, focusing on the miniscule details of the flowers as you spoke.

“Yeah well, I forgot the password,” Jaemin added on. Truthfully, Jaemin often used your house’s wifi whenever his was being crappy ever since you two shared wifi passwords a long time ago. “Dude, you literally use the wifi from my house all the time, stop lying.” You rolled your eyes at him, making small dots in the blank spaces in between the flowers and the leaves.

“Yeah well-” Jaemin sucked in his lips, not knowing what else to say before letting out a heavy sigh. “Would it really be a crime for me to want to hang out with you again?” he asked with a small frown, flipping one of the dried brushes he was previously given in between his fingers. You tensed up at his words once again, frowning simply as you paused your little painting session to try to calm your heart.

“Are you really doing this here? Right now? In front of all of our friends?” you replied shortly, feeling your throat getting dry as you try to ignore his eyes boring into the back of your skull. “What?” Jaemin raised a brow, unfazed as you turned your head to send him a glare. “I’m not having this conversation with you right now, Jaemin,” you frowned, turning your head to do the last finishing touches on your banner.

“Why not? We’re soulmates aren’t we? Aren’t we suppose to communicate to keep a good relationship between us?” he asked with furrowed brows, ignoring the awkward cough your club mate made beside you. You flushed in embarrassment at his words, taking a deep exhale before glaring at him. “Jaemin, just because I was nice to you in the library doesn’t mean you get to say things like that out of nowhere!” you shot back, your eyes going wide in alarm.

“Why not? I’m just stating facts, aren’t I?” he taunted, watching your face morph into an expression filled with hurt and sadness. “Seriously, Jaemin. I’m exhausted right now, let’s not do this today.” You sighed, wiping the sweat off of your brows with your forearm before standing up, wiping the paint smeared all over your fingers against your apron. 

You avoided his glare as you turned your head to Yanan. “Hey Yanan, I think I’m done with my part. Can I go home? I don’t feel too good, right now,” you called out, walking away from Jaemin. “Fuck,” Jaemin muttered under his breath, rubbing his face with his palms in frustration. “Sucks to be you, bro.” Jeno patted Jaemin’s shoulder from behind him before walking away awkwardly to wash the dirty brushes in the water cup you previously used.

“He really isn’t giving up, isn’t he?” Renjun asked with a roll of his eye as you both ate ice cream together in your local diner. You groaned, hitting your head on the table, being careful to avoid hitting your ice cream cup. “I really want to give him a chance but it’s too good to be real, you know?” you explained, sitting up before leaning your cheek against your palm as you played with your ice cream.

“I completely understand,” Renjun nodded, taking a spoonful of his ice cream as he spoke. “I personally think you’re right for giving him a taste of his own medicine, it shows how he should be more grateful to the people around him,” he added on, scraping the sides of his ice cream cup before popping the spoon into his mouth, humming slightly at the taste.

You rolled your eyes at him, pointing your ice cream spoon at him threateningly. “I’m not doing this for revenge, Renjun! That’s way off! I really do want to restart things with him but I don’t think it feels right, you know? With the whole tattoo coverage, the ‘no soulmate’ talk and getting rid of my gifts. For two years! Two damn years, Renjun! I’d never thought the tables would turn like this,” you exclaimed, leaning back against the chair as you crossed your arms, popping the ice cream spoon in your mouth to get a taste of your own dessert.

“It just doesn’t sound too right. It seems suspicious, you know?” you mumbled. Renjun clicked his tongue at you, taking another spoonful of his ice cream as he hummed in understanding. “Did something big happen in the past two months to make him change his beliefs like that?” you asked aloud, making Renjun pause when his mind wandered to that time at the mall where he saw Hyuck, Jeno and Jaemin arguing in public at the corner of his eye.

“Beats me.” Renjun shrugged, shaking the memory out of his head. “Maybe he actually does want to change? I really don’t know what to say about this, I’m sorry,” he chuckled, shrugging his shoulders as he spoke, a smile spreading across his face. You frowned at him, pouting simply as you began to out more thought into the whole ordeal. 

“I don’t know if you noticed. But he’s been being a cheesy romantic around me! Hell, he stopped covering his soulmate tattoo! He’s publicly admitting how we’re soulmates! If that’s not suspicious then I don’t know what is!” you exclaimed, making random motions with your hands exasperatedly. “It’s as if the roles have been reversed!” you added, groaning in distress as Renjun watches you stress on about this while casually eating his ice cream.

“I admit, that is quite peculiar and ominous of him. This is just proving my alien theory even more,” Renjun jokes, letting out a light laugh before you sent him a threatening glare. “Shut up, I’m serious! Come on, I’ve bugged him about this for two years to the point he broke that special music box and embarrassed me in front of both of our parents that night to get it through my head. And when I finally leave him alone, he’s started to act like when I found out we were soulmates for the first time,” You furrowed your brows, scrunching your face as your heart started to ache at the brief memory.

Renjun frowned at the mention of that dinner, remembering the first time you called him crying and sobbing your eyes out over the phone. “You know, if you’re really that uncomfortable with it. Have you tried to tell him to stop?” he asked, cocking his head to the side curiously. You nodded, “dude, he even started giving me daisies! Daisies! It’s sweet, really, it is. But it just hurts, you know? What if he’s only doing this for the sake of making other people happy? What if he’s just tried of everyone talking about how he’s probably the only human being in the world to reject his own soulmate?” you rambled.

Renjun frowned as you started to ramble on and on, your eyes becoming glossy as you continued to speak out. “Why are you looking at me like that?” you frowned, furrowing your brows when you see Renjun just casually eating his ice cream while staring at you with a face void of emotion. “I’m just casually listening to the random bullshit spewing out of your mouth,” he replied with a shrug, stirring his ice cream with his spoon.

You frowned. “Rude. Here I am complaining about my deteriorating love life while you’re just enjoying your damn ice cream.” You scoffed, crossing your arms with a small pout. “I know, I’m an amazing best friend.” he grinned, scooping up the remains of his ice cream before popping the spoon into his mouth. “I’m just saying. I’m really concerned for you and all but the more this goes on, I’m starting to view this as some kind of terrible k-drama.” he giggled.

“Really? Just a couple days ago you were looking at me as if I was some dying patient. Now, you’re making fun of my life, this is just getting sad,” you grumbled, rubbing your temples in distress. “Well, if you’re really that uncomfortable, then ask him to stop. I’m sure he has some brain cells left in that brain of his to understand,” Renjun advised, making random hand motions to emphasize his words.

Rolling your eyes, you shook your head ‘no’. “You know very well I hate confrontation. Plus, it’s going to take a toll on my heart, it really hurts, you know?” you leaned on the table, crossing your arms on the table before putting your chin on your arms. “This is going to sound dramatic and cliche but I just want things to go back to normal, you know? I’m tired of feeling so much pain everyday,” you drew random lines on the table with your pointer finger, sighing heavily.

Renjun bit his lip as he watched you close your eyes in content, basking in the calming atmosphere between you two with furrowed brows. His mind lost in thought as he let out a soft sigh of his own, wondering what he could do to help you.  

T A G L I S T : @candiednickles​ @itlittlefangirl​ @cherrym4rk​ @gotoartistprofile @d-nghyck​ @kingjvngins​ @aconeptun​ @chaeshii @lixseu​ @morks-watermelon​ @12am-musings​ @cherrystay​ @lowkeyviv​ @btm-taeyong​ @gothmingguk​ @luvlyjaemin​ @cowward​ @smileyyuta​ @cakelyn @uncovermenow666 @comically-sleep-deprived​ @wtfhaechan​ @xcherrybbyx​ @wishing–butterfly​ @wordsgodeep​ @seeing-dreams​

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[anamarialujan]

Episode 4 random thoughts

Me entering tumblr after watching this episode:

(Sorry but my country is never named in something international except for bad things so seeing that they say the word "Argentina" in Call the Midwife is a great emotion for me. It's like I'm there, acting like an extra or something) (it's like they gave me a gift for being a fan)

(I know, I'm annoying, sorry)

Now I'll start with my random nonsense:

-Oh Fred. I love that we see him doing illegal things practically since episode 1 of season 1 but Fred is always there, he never learns his lesson 😂 Also, Fred laughing because Shelagh can't reach the pedals, that was great!

-The truth, I was not enthusiastic about having a new nurse but I like Nancy very much. Poor girl, no one trusted her (Shelagh, you are very rude and I don't like that) but she was able to prove her worth and I hope that she continues in Nonnatus learning. The Catholic nuns gave me a bad feeling (besides, they have the same clothes as the nuns in my town and they are quite...bad) and I would like to know about Nancy's past with them...I have a feeling that good things did not happen, and perhaps they will emphasize the history of so many Irish orphanages where heinous things happened. I would like to see that in CTM.

-I'm glad that Cyril is making so much progress, I'm not happy that he marries Lucille because I want him to do it with Sister Monica Joan #MonilForever nah, being serious, I don't know, I never saw them compatible and less now that we can't see demonstrations of physical affection. I don't know, maybe I'm being mean, I just don't see them as a couple.

-The story of Michael omg, I didn't want to cry but they made it. I felt pain for him, for everything he went through to "heal", and for his parents. First I thought that the parents would kick him out of the house, beat him, put him in a horrible hospital or things like that and then...Then I saw how much they love him. I wish there had been more parents like that in the 60s, I wish there were now.

-Ok, I cried with Tim. And do you know why? I always saw him very similar to a little cousin of mine whom I adore, and today my little cousin started the university and I was "It can't be, yesterday he was a baby, it can't be that today he's starting the uni" and the same thing happens to me with Tim. It cannot be that he is about to start studying medicine if yesterday he was a child who complained that his father took away his food and left him in the car under a pile of snow! And this leads me to wonder: What would have happened to Tim if Patrick never married Shelagh? Would he be about to start the medical school, or would he be in jail? I think the last option, sorry 😆

-Ohhh God I hate myself for what I feel and what I think but...but... but...

I think I like the ship Trixie and-the widower.

Suddenly I saw it as something possible and beautiful although perhaps I was mesmerized by the beauty of baby Jonathan.

-Sorry, but these screenshots will accompany me for a long time:

Te amo Trixie!

And right now, I'm like these people 👇

(with the fall included 🤣)

-And today, more than ever *pause to drink mate*

-That damn husband who sees that his wife is suffering, that his baby is about to be born, and prefers to watch a football match with his friends? How can you be so stupid? I felt hatred for him! Although, let's say...thanks to that? Anyway, let's say that because of that it was possible that the mother saw that Nancy was very capable of doing her job and OH MY GOD, THE BABY WAS BORN IN SISTER MONICA JOAN'S BED. AND SHE GOT HER FAITH AND CONFIDENCE, AND SEE HERSERLF LIKE A HELPFUL AND CAPABLE PERSON. I LOVE YOU SISTER MONICA JOAN! I really felt moved by that and I think what things Sister Monica Joan has seen? Can we ever hear her talk more about it? I remember that in CTM book there was a lot about her story, things that I never saw on the show and that it would be beautiful to hear from her or other people. Hope she gets better soon. Sister, this cake is for you: 🍰

-And well, another great episode of this season that I am really liking a lot. It's sad that we only have 7 episodes, but I heard that in the UK the concerts and meetings with people are starting...Maybe next year we will have the hugs and kisses that we miss so much during this season!

[kindahoping4forever]

Hot N Cold // Ashton Irwin

Both @cal-puddies and I had to endure disgusting heatwaves last week (it was literally 99 degrees before noon for me) and were laughing that we co-wrote a hot weather trope fic and it turns out, being this warm is not sexy. I took it a step further and declared that I was so uncomfortable I wouldn’t let Ashton near me and Cass was like bitch please and instantly proved me a liar by suggesting a scenario that I eventually spun into this entirely self-indulgent fic. (Exposing screenshots available upon request 😂🤡)

Warnings: Boyfriend!Ash, slight soft!dom Ash, female receiving oral sex/rimming, ice play, unprotected sex within established relationship, gratuitous mentions of Ash with a beard and in basketball shorts because I am a 🤡, I truly cannot express how self-indulgent this is.

Word Count: 4.9k exactly! (And I can never thank Cass enough for being a problem solving, editing queen because otherwise this legit could’ve easily been 10k, I was out of control and have officially been dubbed “the Stephen King of smut”)

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————-

You tap on the thermostat display, hoping that the numbers you’re reading are a mistake.

“Babe, it’s digital, that’s not gonna do anything,” Ashton calls from across the room.

You make a face and continue staring in disbelief. Last week when you invited your boyfriend to stay with you while his home underwent plumbing repairs, you had no idea there would be a heatwave sweeping the city. And as if the heat wasn’t bad enough, a thunderstorm was also predicted so it’s not just hot but humid, which drives you absolutely crazy.

You usually find it cozy when Ash stays at yours, your modest apartment a quaint contrast to his luxurious house. But waking up next to him in your full size bed (a far cry from the king size at his place), with you both already drenched in sweat put you in a sour mood and as the day progresses, along with the temperature, your mood has only gotten worse.

“How could the outside temperature and the inside temperature be that similar, what the fuck,” you grumble.

“It only feels that bad because now you know how hot it actually is, babe,” he suggests, coming up and wrapping his arms around you, kissing your neck, lightly scraping at it with his beard.

You roll your eyes. “No, it feels that bad because it is that bad, babe,” you huff, shrugging his arms off of you. In quick succession, he smirks and then pouts at your brush-off. “Ash, I swear to god, why does it seem like the second it gets above a certain temperature, you get super affectionate just to spite me?”

He grins and reaches for you, pulling you into an embrace once more. “Aww, baby, it’s not out of spite,” he laughs. “I just think you’re cute when you’re irritated.”

Ash squeezes you tight, swaying softly as he kisses the top of your head. Normally you would find yourself melting into his touch but today you just feel like you’re literally melting. 

“You’re about to think I’m really fucking adorable then because I’m gonna flip out if you don’t get away from me,” you gripe, wriggling out of his grasp. 

You decide to take a cool shower but you’re not surprised to find that it’s so hot outside, the water doesn't get any cooler than lukewarm. You let your frustrated mind wander as it runs over your sweat-covered skin. Of course the heatwave would have to be this weekend. Of course it was unexpected so all your fans are still in storage and of course all the stores in the area are sold out of their stock. Of course you live in an apartment that only has a small air conditioner that’s basically useless. Of course Ashton is annoyingly unaffected by the heat and of course you know it’s unreasonable of you to direct your hostility toward him but… seriously, it’s so annoying. Despite your agitated thoughts and the tepid water, by shower’s end, you have to admit you feel relieved. 

Ash’s back is turned when you approach the kitchen. Now that both your body and your temper have had a chance to cool, you’re much more appreciative of his presence. You stand in the doorway, admiring his considerable build: how broad his back looks even as he hunches over, digging through a drawer, how the narrow cut of his tank top makes his shoulders look even larger than usual, how his favorite basketball shorts cling to his ass. By the time his arms start flexing as he stirs what looks like a pitcher of sweet tea, you’re padding over to him and wrapping your arms around his torso.

“Heyyy,” he chuckles, slinging an arm around you and bringing you to his side. “You seem to be feeling better.”

“Better, cooler and nicer,” you declare, pecking at his chest to prove your point. “Sorry I was being a mega bitch.”

He snorts. “No offense but when I saw the heat advisory on my phone last night, I kind of knew what I was gonna be up against.”

You pinch his arm, half offended. “No, my love, I could never think of you as a mega bitch,” you offer the reply you would’ve preferred, in a mocking voice. 

He shakes his head with a smile. “Would I have gone to this much trouble if I really thought that of you?” He gestures towards the living room where he’s spread your spare comforter on the floor in front of the AC; two cold cut sandwiches, a tub of leftover macaroni salad from yesterday’s dinner and a fresh bag of your favorite chips sit on the coffee table. 

You enjoy your “picnic” and continue lounging in front of the AC long after you’re finished eating. Ashton returns from clearing your dishes to discover you sprawled out on your stomach, complaining that you sat on the floor too long and your entire body feels numb. 

He cocks an eyebrow as he lays down next to you and lands a hard smack across your ass. You yelp but honestly, you should’ve seen it coming. You glare at him, unimpressed.

“Just trying to help,” he shrugs, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Mmm hmm, sure,” you giggle, turning to face him. “Quick question, why are you like this?” 

He pulls you closer. “Don’t act like it’s just me, I felt you ogling me in the kitchen,” he teases. “I know you’re turned on, look how hard your nipples are.” He grabs a handful of your breast and pinches to emphasize his point.

You snort laugh, “I’ve been sitting in front of an air conditioner, you dummy.” 

He makes a sheepish face and you both crack up. Your joint giggle fit easily transitions into a comfortable, lazy makeout session. You’re about to finally reach your hand inside his shorts when you both pull away after hearing a noise. It takes only a few seconds of humid air on your skin for you to realize that the AC has stopped. “The power’s gone out,” you announce, gently pushing his body off of you so that you can go flip the circuit breakers. “Maybe we had the air on for too long?”

A few minutes later, Ash joins you in the kitchen, where you’re fiddling with the breaker box. “Nothing,” you tell him, frowning at the panel.

“Seems like it’s the whole complex, all your neighbors are out wandering around,” he reports. “Maybe a rolling blackout from the heat? Or I guess it could be the storm? Looked like the signal at the end of the street was out.”

“Fantastic,” you seethe.

Ash reaches for your hand, pressing a kiss to your clenched fist. “It’ll be fine, baby, this is just a good excuse for us to order dinner. And the sun will be going down soon, so it’ll have to cool off!"

You nod slowly, not believing him but appreciating the effort. "You just don't want me to be mean to you again," you tease.

You start looking for your lanterns and candles in case the power doesn't come back before nightfall. Which of course, it doesn’t. And despite Ashton's optimism, it doesn't cool off much either. You know the heat must actually be extreme when even he starts commenting on it.

He spots your cooler in the closet and offers to run down to the corner gas station and grab some ice to fill it with so you could at least have cold drinks. It doesn’t make much of a difference to you but you know he’s trying to do anything he can to make you more comfortable, so you tell him it’s a great idea. 

He returns quickly, triumphantly lifting up a comically large party bag of ice with one hand. "This was the only size they had," he explains. You smile softly and kiss his shoulder in silent thanks as you pass by on your way to gather the drinks.

The rest of the evening is uneventful. You attempt a candlelit dinner, but you both quickly agree it’s more impractical than romantic and replace the candles with your bright ass camping lantern. 

You make it an early night, not because you're tired but because you need the day to end. You thought fresh sheets sounded cooling but when Ash enters the bedroom, he finds you sitting defeatedly in the middle of the half-made bed and in the dim candlelight, he can’t tell if it’s sweat or frustrated tears he spies falling down your face. “OK, that’s enough,” he announces, reaching for your arm to drag you up from the bed. “You’re getting in the shower, I’m dealing with this.”

You’re pleased to find the water has cooled and the candles you have illuminating the bathroom makes for a much more relaxing environment than your previous shower. You haven’t been in long when you feel Ash’s beard scratching your back as he presses small kisses to your shoulders. You smile to yourself and face him, wrapping your arms around him. “You had to put up with a lot from me today,” you start. You peck along his neck and jaw, landing at his lips, which you kiss softly. “I just want you to know I appreciate it.” 

He holds you against him. “It was a long, shit day,” he shrugs. “I was just sorry to see you having such a bad time. Wanted to do what I could."

You lean in and you make out sweetly, enjoying the feel of each other's lips and the cool water. You feel him start to dip his hands in between your legs but you gently push them away. "I'm good, baby, just wanted to thank you." You peck his lips and leave him to finish showering.

You’re in the middle of putting lotion on when you feel Ashton’s hands on you again; he hasn’t even bothered with a towel, as if he couldn’t waste a second moving from the shower back to your body.

"Ashhhh,” you giggle. “I promise I’m fine… and where’s your towel? You’re dripping everywhere.”

His hand has found its way between your legs again and he swipes a finger through your folds. “Well, I’m not the only one,” he quips. "I knew you were getting riled up over there." He sucks and nibbles at your neck, causing you to groan. "Baby, you've been stressed all day. Let me get you off, it's the least I can do."

You sigh and nod, unable to deny the way you’re throbbing for his attention; he lifts you onto the bathroom counter and you find yourself almost involuntarily spreading your legs for him. “That’s my good girl,” he coos, kissing your inner thighs, running his beard along them the way he knows you like. He uses the tip of his tongue to flick at your clit, chuckling to himself as you instantly shudder and tangle your fingers in his wet hair.  

You pant heavily while he flattens his wide tongue and laps at your pussy. By the time his lips wrap around your clit, you’re bucking up onto his face, begging him for more.

You’re puzzled when he suddenly draws you down from the counter and pushes you over it, remaining on his knees. He spreads your legs again and swirls his tongue around your clit; he then licks all the way from your clit to your asshole, fluttering his tongue over it several times. A guttural whine rips through your throat.

“That a good noise, baby?” Ash asks, kneading your ass in his hands. “Want me to keep going?” 

All you can manage is a pitifully whimpered “Uh-huh” and he smirks to himself as he dives back in, spreading your cheeks with his thumbs and rolling his tongue over your tight ring. You can’t remember the last time you were this turned on and it’s overwhelming, the added sensation of his beard making it even more stimulating. You nearly shriek when his hand starts working your clit.

“Please Ash... yeah… oh FUCK...” Nonsense spills from your lips as he licks you and you can’t help but roll your hips against his hand. His mouth pauses for a second and you’re about to complain when suddenly he’s pressing his tongue inside your hole. “Jesus Christ, Ash!” You cry out, white knuckling the edge of the counter.

He groans in response to your outburst and you can feel the vibrations of it as he pushes his tongue in further. You reach back and grab at his hair, desperate for something to hold onto, desperate to pull him even closer. His tongue darts in and out of your ass while his fingers rub tight, relentless circles around your clit. 

Your orgasm hits you without warning and for a second, you’re not sure if you’re going to live through it; your entire body shakes, your legs feel like jelly and your eyes are squeezed shut so tight you’re seeing stars. He reaches his free hand up to support you and continues to lick and rub you as it goes on, even as your fingers viciously yank at his hair.

You let yourself slump over the counter, enjoying the cool feeling of the marbling on your heated skin. You feel Ash’s lips softly kissing up your back and his hand stroking your hair. “You did so good, baby, thank you,” he praises, rubbing your back. “Thought you deserved a treat after the day you've had.”

“That was… wow?” You rasp, surprised at your voice’s scratchiness; you didn’t realize you were screaming but you must have been judging from how wrecked you sound. “ ‘M all sweaty though, gonna need to rinse off again,” you laugh.

“Oops,” his giggle echoes through the bathroom. “I’ll leave you to it, then.” He helps you stand upright and presses a kiss to your head. You note that he’s fairly hard but he leaves the room before either of you mention it.

You enter the bedroom a few minutes later and discover it empty; you’ve just pulled on a cotton slip nightgown when your shirtless boyfriend appears, carrying two bottles of water and two cups filled with ice. He sits yours on the nightstand and wanders over to where you’re towel drying your hair. You lovingly roll your eyes as he immediately wraps his arms around you; he’s changed back into his shorts and they’re doing nothing to disguise the erection you noticed in the bathroom. 

“Always love this nightgown on you,” he breathes, mouth biting at your earlobe, hands running up and down your sides. “Do you remember you wore it the first time you stayed over at mine?”

You smile at the memory. “And I thought you only liked it because it’s see-through in the light,” you tease, spinning out of his hold. You love him like this so you don’t want to outright reject him but you also can’t imagine having sex in this sweltering bedroom and aren’t about to take your fourth shower of the day.

You prop your pillows up so you can drink your ice water and check your phone while you still have some battery left. Ash sits next to you and you can already feel the heat radiating off of him. He absentmindedly places his hand on your thigh, squeezing every so often as it creeps higher. You slide your hand into his, bring it to your lips and kiss his knuckles briefly before setting it back on his own leg.

“I really should’ve let you buy me that bigger bed like you offered when you first started sleeping over,” you joke, hoping he’ll understand your meaning.

He chuckles and searches your face sympathetically, “Am I making you warm, baby? I’m sorry,” he pouts. “It’s getting better though, I opened the window before our shower and the storm’s bringing a breeze in.” He snakes an arm around you and leans you closer, pecking your cheek.

“It’s still pretty bad in here… and you’re still kind of a radiator, Ash,” you gently complain.

He frowns, then pauses and his face suddenly changes expression. “I know something we can do to take your mind off that…” 

You make a face. “Baby… I know you're hard but it has been such a ridiculous day," you gently explain. "I'll kiss you while you jerk off if you want? I just cannot fathom having you on me right now.”

“First of all, I never said I wanted to be on you,” he notes. “Second, I just feel bad you’re already so tense again, babe, we gotta get you to relax.” He massages your neck as he talks and you didn’t realize how stiff your muscles were until that moment. “I know it’s not gonna be an easy night sleeping in here and I was just thinking you always sleep so much better right after you cum...”

Despite the heat, your body is buzzing at his touch. “Goddammit, that’s a fair point,” you concede and he laughs under his breath. “Feel like whatever you have in mind is only gonna make me feel even warmer though.”

His eyes shine with playful desire. “Not necessarily…” he replies mysteriously. “Trust me?”

You hate how curious you are and how much his vagueness is turning you on. “You get five minutes to prove this is worth it… or until I start sweating, whichever is first.”

Ash chuckles, “I think we both know you’ll be begging for my cock long before then.”

You shake your head at him and then he's kissing you and laying you down. "Close your eyes," he requests. You look at him skeptically. "I'm assuming you think it's too warm for the blindfold," he points out and you nod in agreement.

He hovers over you and brushes his lips lightly against yours. "So gorgeous laying there, just waiting for me," he whispers low, knowing the praise will make you swoon. "Can you get your tits out for me, baby?"

You slip your thin straps off your shoulders and tug your nightgown down your torso, exposing your chest. Your breath is already heavy with anticipation when you feel Ashton's hands run up your thighs on his way to knead your breasts. His touch feels warmer than you'd like but his firm, calloused grip is always welcome.

His hands disappear for a second and you hear some generic rustling; you assume you'll be feeling his mouth next but what you don't expect is the intense cold of the ice cube he has in between his teeth. A squeal escapes your throat and your eyes shoot open at the sensation of him dragging the ice down your neck and in between your tits; the combined heat of your skin and his mouth starts melting it instantly and freezing water drips down your body. 

“Ash, what the fuck?!” You cry out with a shocked laugh. He tugs your nightgown lower and continues his travels, bringing the cube down over your stomach, water dissolving all over your midsection.

You whine as he pulls back and grins. “OH, did... did you want me to continue?” He taunts, chewing what was left in his mouth. “Didn’t take long for you to decide this was ‘worth it,’ huh, baby?”

He reaches for the cup on your nightstand and drops another cube in his mouth before lowering himself to your chest. His cold fingers play with one of your nipples while he sucks the other between his lips; his tongue swirls the ice around your pointed bud and the dueling feelings of the frozen cube and his warm tongue is unlike anything you’ve felt before.

You hold his head to your chest, running your fingers through his damp, curling hair. “Ash, babyyyyyy,” you breathe dreamily as he moves his attention to your other nipple. “This was a good idea, you were right.” Even with his mouth around you, he manages to grin at your concession and you arch your back into him.

“Love it when you talk dirty,” he smugly responds. He brings the remaining portion of his cube to the front of his lips and traces it over yours before slipping it back in his mouth and kissing you deeply. You whimper as he slowly transfers the cube into your mouth with his tongue. He tugs your lip between his teeth as he pulls away and you moan loudly at the realization that you can’t feel it because your lips are numb from the ice. 

Ashton sits back on his knees and you reach for him, immediately missing his attention. "Want you," you admit, stretching your arm until your hand lands on his bulging crotch. “Need you. Need this.”

He takes a page out of your book and pulls your hand up to his lips, kissing it and sitting it away from him. “Oh I know you need it, baby,” he teases, slipping his hand inside your panties to feel your wetness. “Don’t worry, you’ll get it... but first… can’t let my last ice cube go to waste.”

He smiles at your annoyed sigh as he snatches the cup from the table and moves down your body. You know that look in his eye and for once tonight, you know what he’s thinking. He starts to raise the cup to his lips as you whine, “Oh my god, Ash, don’t,” pushing him away with your feet.

He cocks his head and rubs his hands up and down your legs. “You know your word,” he replies and looks at you expectantly. You hold each other’s gaze for several beats and then his hands yank your panties off. Your nightgown is still bunched around your waist and you finally pull it all the way off, making yourself bare for him. 

Ash raises the cup in your direction in mock cheers and finally slides the ice into his mouth. In the time it takes you to blink he’s already between your legs, running the tip of the cube up and down your lips. You shift your hips to meet his touch and he lightly slaps your thigh to get you to settle. 

He moves through your folds, nudging at your entrance for just a second before moving on; you brace yourself as he reaches your clit. He teases around it first with only his tongue and your heart pounds as you wait for the cold to shock you. After what feels like half a lifetime, a burst of piercing iciness shoots through your entire body, starting at your core. You let out a long, low moan as he alternates flicking the frozen cube over your clit and then running his warm tongue against you in raging contrast. 

He sucks at your clit softly before moving to kiss up your inner thighs as he sits up. You didn’t see it happen but he apparently slipped the ice into his hand because now he’s pressing it directly on your clit, letting it melt, causing you to moan and writhe. 

"ASH PLEASE… oh my godddd…” you cry, grabbing his wrist. You’re not quite sure if you want him to stop or to keep going until you cum so you just hold onto his arm, begging. “Fuck me, please, need you to fuck me, Ash!”

Smiling, he firmly grinds the last of the cube against your clit and you thrash as it melts within seconds. He slips two fingers inside you and you shudder at how cold they are. “Knew I could get you begging for me, baby” he growls, smirking as he kisses up your body. “You sure it’s 'worth it'? Maybe you’re right, maybe it is too warm? This pussy feels pretty warm to me.” He skillfully juts his fingers in and out of you as he taunts you.

You whimper pathetically in response and he chuckles. “Alright, baby, you’ve been so good for me tonight, I’ll let you have my cock,” he declares. “Hands and knees for me, gorgeous.” 

Ashton pulls his shorts off while you do your best to get into position, unsteady from all the stimulation. You can’t help yourself and as soon as you get up on your knees you lunge for him, capturing his mouth in a filthy kiss and your hand tugs at his cock, easily coaxing out a trickle of precum.

He murmurs into your kiss, letting you have your moment and then in one swift move, he swats your hand away and pulls you off his lips by wrapping his hand around your throat. “I said hands and knees, baby,” he reminds you, squeezing lightly.

You can’t quite find your voice to moan but if you had, it would’ve been the loudest yet. You get into position and for the first time tonight, you notice the curtains billowing as the long-promised stormy breeze fills the room. You’re about to point it out but you decide to bite your lip instead because the head of Ash’s cock is pushing up against your entrance. 

You sigh restlessly and slowly push back on him, eager to have him inside you but he promptly halts your hips and roughly smacks your ass for trying. “Don’t be desperate,” he reprimands sternly. 

You mumble a pitiful “Sorry” and he rubs over the stinging redness of his handprint in acknowledgment. He slides his cock over your pussy a couple times, slicking it with your arousal, enjoying how your legs shake every time he juuuust misses running his tip over your clit. Then he starts pushing in for real, at an agonizingly slow rate; he knows you’re already on the verge of overstimulation and he knows you’re aching to cum but he loves teasing you, loves making you feel every inch of him as he enters you.

You hang your head, breathing his name so softly you almost don’t even hear it yourself. The thrill of finally having him inside you combined with the sublime stretch as his thickness gradually fills you is overwhelming; if you wanted to, you honestly think you might be able to cum from this alone. For a moment it crosses your mind to tell him this but in the next, you realize he already knows.

“Love watching you take me,” Ash praises you, finally bottoming out. “You’ve really gotta see it sometime, baby, there’s nothing like it.” 

You whine at his words and your sounds increase as he thrusts into you, wasting no time setting a punishing rhythm, you’ve both waited long enough for this. “Feels… so… good… babe…” you pant, voice quivering as his hips hit forcefully against yours. Your hands are cramping from how tightly you’re gripping the sheets in front of you but you don’t know how else to handle the intensity of what you’re feeling.

Ashton grunts, slapping your ass once on each cheek. He fucks into you rapidly and it's not long before his fingers dig into where he’s holding your hips; this means he’s getting close. You slide your hand to your clit and start rubbing, burying your face in the bed as you let out a choked sigh. He speeds up the pace when he notices. “I’m almost there too, baby,” he puffs. “Go ahead and cum, baby. Fuck, you deserve it.”

The soft howling of the wind, the vigorous slapping of Ash’s skin on yours and your muffled moans are all that can be heard for the next minute or so. Your sounds gain volume as your pussy begins to throb and you finally feel your walls tensing around him. He fucks you through it, murmuring about what a good girl you are, how beautiful you look. 

As your orgasm reaches its end, you hear Ash continuing to mumble but you realize it’s mostly nonsense; seconds later you feel his cock pulsing as he empties his load inside you. He groans loudly, running his thumbs over the fresh marks he’s left on your hips and slowly pumping into you a few more times before sighing and pulling out.

He pecks a kiss on the small of your back and then he grabs the tissues on your vanity to clean you up. You lay on your stomach, sleepy but satisfied; when he’s done, he lays beside you. “How are we feeling?” He asks, running his hand through your hair.

You smile dreamily at him. “Like I’m gonna sleep real good tonight,” you joke. You scoot closer to him and lightly kiss his bearded chin. “Like I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through today without you. Like I love you a lot.”

Ashton’s eyes shine fondly at you through the darkness. "I'm happy to hear that, there were a few times today I wasn't sure if you still liked me," he cracks. You poke him and he kisses your pouted lips. "I love you too, by the way."

You finish getting ready for bed and as you blow out the candles around the room, Ash instinctively moves closer to the edge of the bed; he's sure you'll want to sleep as far apart as possible. "Is it supposed to be this hot again tomorrow?" He asks.

"Yup," you answer, surprisingly unbothered, getting back in bed.

He frowns. "What do you think we should do?"

You surprise him again by curling into him, tangling your legs with his. "We've got all day and half a bag of ice left," you grin mischievously. "I think we'll be fine."

—-

Tag list: @cal-puddies @mymindwide @suchalonelysunflower @pxrxmoore  @loveroflrh @ghostofmashton @sexgodashton @feliznavidaddycal  @castaway-cashton @boomerash @cashtonasfuck @megz1985 @ashdork-irwin @ashtonangst @angelicfluffs @findingliam-o  @abadaftertaste

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[secretive3amramenmaker]

More Fire Force Opinions That Literally Nobody Asked For (pt.2)

Guess who finished the manga~ Guess who finished the manga~ This gal~ I’m surprised that my Fire Force rant/essay meta was so well received by the fandom, thank you guys so much!!! Anyways, today I’ll be discussing some a lot of my ideas, opinions, thoughts, future predictions, and commentary on moments from the Fire Force manga.

Warnings: Spoilers for future Fire Force Season Two arcs, and for the Fire Force manga. Read at your own discretion! Now that the warnings are over, onwards! ヽ(ヅ)ノ

(I’m actually trying to order my opinions via arcs, but I feel that this is really important, so I’m putting it first.) 

1. There are no iPhones in the Fire Force. 

This is so sad? My favourite characters don’t know the joy that is staying up late, scrolling through social media, watching YOUTUBE, having MEMES, KNOWING👏THE👏GREATNESS👏THAT👏IS👏VINES!!!

I’m slightly disappointed that Vulcan, who is literally named after the god of forging himself, who can make frickin’ HOLOGRAMS, didn’t bring back any of the pre-Catalysm technology to recreate, improve, or experiment with. As an expert engineer (I say this 0.2% seriously, with the two years of high school engineering course experience under my belt), I would’ve been interested to see what kind of gadgets Vulcan could whip up. *insert ‘Inspector Gadget theme song*

Please have this very sad Jigglypuff to show how sad this is.

2. Sister Iris and Religion in the Fire Force Storyline

In the beginning of the Fire Force series, I’ve accepted the fact that Iris' role as noncombatant, meant to act as the religious and public face of the Eighth Company. I think it is a fascinating role, because it allows the story to explore the idea of religion and belief in depth, which I was really looking forward to. I was excited how the author would handle Iris’ character, but I’m somewhat disappointed that it took so long for us to see Iris and other side characters like Maki and Tamaki become more fleshed out (I’m not counting Iris’ and Hibana’s backstory in Season 1. I felt that was more backstory to flesh out Hibana’s character rather than Iris’).

Throughout Fire Force’s story, some of the things I looked forward to the most were the religious elements, motifs, themes, and questions that are sprinkled throughout the story, one of my favourites being the portrayal of the dichotomy of religion. In Joker’s backstory, we see the darkness of the Holy Sol faith, and what happens when any religious belief is taken TOO far, without any regard for human life or rights. This idea of viewing humans as a collective, no regard for the individuality and feelings of a single person in the pursuit of faith is embodied by the captain of the Shadow of the Holy Sun, Joker’s former captain and abuser. However, we also get to see the goodness religion and belief can achieve in Iris’ mini arc, which focuses on Iris’ internal struggle as she struggles with her faith after being informed of the Evangelist’s part in the founding of the Holy Sol’s religion. Shinra and Huo Yan Li, the bucket hat 1st Brigade lieutenant (Seriously, which is the correct way to pronounce this guy’s name? Huo Yan Li?? Foien Li???) interaction in the Iris arc really summed up the arc and Iris’ character beautifully. Religion and belief gives people closure, hope, and strength to keep on moving forward. Seeing the anime adaption was an amazing experience. Fire Force’s animation was the reason I decided to watch it in the first place (before staying for the intriguing plot and religious side plot), but this particular episode?? Pure art. The colouring, ambience, storytelling? So good＼\ ٩( ᐛ )و /／

Like, the little detail of the burning nun in Iris’ eyes? (lmao sorry for the extra trauma, sweet child) *chef’s kiss*

The importance of belief is also hinted in the Asakusa arc, where all the district’s inhabitants believe in Benimaru, and expanded upon in later manga chapters, when we learn that Adolla is linked to humanity’s perception and beliefs about the world around them.

I would’ve liked Iris a lot more if we got to further explore her character and the affects of religion on others more deeply, perhaps see Iris visiting the Infernals’ families and loved ones, trying to help give closure through the nation’s (mostly) shared faith in Sol. They mentioned offhandedly in both anime and manga that Iris visits the deceased’s families, and I felt it would’ve given the deaths more significance and depth if we get screentime of how families are affected by the death of their loved ones. It would have also given the Holy Sol’s religion more depth and meaning if we saw believers of Sol’s actions due to their religion, (also giving more impact when we learn surprise surprise! The Holy Sol temple is founded by the Evangelist!) since belief without actions is just lip-service.

I would have also liked to see how Iris’ prayers affect others in the Eighth company. We do get to see this, 140+ CHAPTERS LATER in the mini Iris arc does Shinra (finally) mentions how Iris’ prayers helps him not lose sight of why he serves as a firefighter and kills Infernal. I’m glad that we got this scene, because better later than never, especially since Iris’ and Shinra’s discussion and overall the entire Iris mini arcs shows the power of prayer, but I would’ve like to have this topic discussed sooner.

2. Obi’s Sole Flaw

I think that Obi was an okay character, but they kind of pushed the boundary of his “normalcy” when we saw him topple pillars and rip railways out of the ground with “brute strength”. There are limits to the human body, it is fragile, and it doesn’t matter how much conditioning or “going beyond your limits” you do. People do experience boost of adrenaline, which is probably what the very anime-like titled “Pressure of Death” is based on, since life or death situations can heighten your performance and strength. However, I do understand that this IS shonen, and it isn’t meant to be realistic.

What made Obi’s sole flaw (and a physical flaw, at that!) was his “normalcy” while surrounded by more powerful individuals then he, and having to make up for something he can’t help by working twice as hard as everybody else. Now, although I was disappointed that Obi didn’t have any character/moral flaws, what made Obi’s character mediocre to me wasn’t the choice of Obi’s sole flaw. In fact, I could see how this could be an interesting character narrative IF WE LEARN MORE ABOUT OBI’S BACKSTORY, THEREFORE EXPLORING HIS CHARACTER MORE!!! (We only know Obi was a regular firefighter, being decorated twice, and then having his titles revoked for prioritizing the lives of citizens before becoming the captain of the Eighth.) No, what I didn’t like about Obi’s character is that we never see him STRUGGLE with his flaw, how others were born “superior” to him thanks to there invulnerability to flames, how he lives knowing one day he could just burst into flames. There’s SO many interesting things about Obi’s character, that could explained further, making him so much more interesting!!!

On the other hand, Obi’s character is a great role model for what a “normal” person can do (while jacked up on adrenaline, and when they manage to overcome flight reaction in fight or flight). He works hard, training to the best of his ability, doing what he CAN do, pushing his limits so that he can go above and beyond, overcoming the “Pressure of Death”, and staying true to his ideals, something very hard to do in a world where you might burst into flames at any given moment. I know that if I were to wake in a world where I could die any second (I mean, I could die tomorrow in Real Life™, but what are the chances of that?), I would definitely find myself struggling with my faith, and staying true to the morals I admire and was taught by my parents, especially if I was putting myself in danger despite of this weakness.

3. Asakusa Showdown Arc and Shinmon Hibachi

The Asakusa Showdown arc. Yes. Just yes. I-

It was amazing, periodt. The art, the overall aesthetic, the storytelling. *Cue violent fangirling* I took SOOOO many screenshots of the fight between Benimaru and Hibachi, I’m pretty sure my camera roll is 95% manga caps now. I love how the author actually gave a (fairly) valid reason for the cool Japanese aesthetic of this arc, in that Adolla is slowly gradually colliding with the Fire Force universe, causing people’s perception of the fight to seep into the universe. Overall? It. Was. Amazing. Albeit not my favourite arc, (that honour goes to the mini-Iris arc) I think that the Asakusa Showdown arc is easily in my Top 5 Fire Force arcs.

The Asakusa Showdown Arc mirroring and showing the ideals taught in the Mini Iris Arc was quite clever, though I’m not sure if this was purposefully done Okubo, or if I’m just scrabbling at crumbs.

In the Mini Iris arc, we see how religion and belief gives closure; a stark contrast to Asakusa with its proto-nationalist/atheist values. In THIS arc, centering around Asakusa and it’s proto-nationalist inhabitants, we see what happens when there isn’t enough effort to emphasize or give closure in what happened to Hibachi, and his subsequent death. 

Shinmon Hibachi, as the leader of the neighbourhood fire watch, understood the significance of killing Infernals; of taking somebody’s life. But because of the unwillingness to let others (i.e. the inhabitants of Asakusa, that one kid who stabs him) understand the weight of killing Infernals and gain closure through understanding the reasons behind his harsh actions, Hibachi shoulders the consequences of both his and the actions of his predecessors’ ALONE, therefore leading to his demise. 

The kid who stabbed Hibachi was still a CHILD, and children don’t always have a comprehensive understanding of death and the consequences of responsibility (no matter how much that kid believes he was ready to be an adult and support his mother).

3.5 Extra Worldbuilding Questions About Asakusa

I also have so many questions about Asakusa in general! How is Asakusa powered without being supported by Amaterasu, which is the country’s (and isn’t that mind boggling, that a whole country is supported by one power source with no backup source or other forms of energy/electricity, because of patriotic pride in a machine that might one day shut down, cough manga readers where u at?) I’m assuming that Asakusa mainly use coal, candles, and lamps for energy and lighting, since we did see one example of lighting in Asakusa (an ancient oil lamp), but I’m not sure if that would be sufficient to support a whole district of people. People were able to do that in the olden days, but back then there was a smaller concentration of people, and power necessary to support them.

Is Asakusa a district that is mostly atheist or polytheist? Do the inhabitants believe in no gods, not just the Sun god brought by the White Clads and Raffles I, including the Shinto or Buddhist gods from before the Catalysm, or do they believe in multiple gods/ancestor worship and they just don’t want to worship the Sun God like the rest of the Tokyo Empire because they’re unwilling to accept the new culture, immigrants and religion caused by Amaterasu, wanting to keep up the old Japanese traditions?

4. Arthur Deserves Better Parents 2k20 (Hint of Arthur’s Secret Ability?)

When Team Vulcan + Arthur found Arthur’s parents in the sewers Nether... Honestly, I don’t want to touch on them much, since I want to be (fairly) logical in my opinions on them, not letting my personal feelings twist my hypotheses for what may happen in the future of the Fire Force storyline.

Putting aside Arthur’s parents obvious neglect and bad parenting, I’m curious if Arthur's dad is actually a prophet or did he just get lucky with his delusions. Is this related to how Arthur can notice the difference between dopplegangers and real people? Perhaps because Arthur’s delusions of knighthood are so different from how he truly is (an abandoned child who deluded himself as a knight), therefore allowing him to notice the difference between dopplegangers and Adolla, as they are created by people’s perception of a subject.

5. Let Sho Be a Normal Kid at the End of the Show 2k20

Please let the small child be happy at the end of the manga. I mean, being raised by a cult underground isn’t exactly a Hallmarks childhood. For example, in the beginning of chapter 231, look at how Sho looks longingly at those kids on scooters and was so happy when he got a balloon from the firefighter mascots! (bruh, same balloons bring me so much joy)

I hope that in the end of the manga Okubo lets Sho, Shinra, and Eighth have some quality time. In one of the early arcs (with the first speaking demon, Minamoto?) Shinra saw some kids going to school wearing school uniforms, mentioning that if Sho was still alive, he’d be old enough to go to school. I’d be so sweet if at the end of the manga, Sho would have the chance to go to school, maybe the Fire Force academy (if it’s still running if by the end of the manga they’ve discovered the reason behind Human Combustion), makes friends and beat up anybody who badmouths the Eighth.

6. Cool Combat Medics!

I’d love to see more of the cool combat medics from the Sixth! We only saw the captain, Kayoko Huang, in action with her Asclepius staff pyrokinesis, which, might I add is a fascinating and terrifying ability. Think about it, she’s controlling CELLULAR DIVISION!!! She could start creating tumors in the bodies of her enemies! Could disintegrate people cellularly and no one would know, because fire snake, so no fingerprints!

Anyways, that is all I have right now. Thank you for reading my opinions about “Fire Force”, and for the nice response I got when I published my first opinion piece! Bruh, it took so long for me to edit this... 😔 I’m thinking of doing another meta going more in depth with my theory on Arthur and how he’s able to distinguish the difference between people and their dopplegangers, but that���s for another day. Feel free to discuss about your own ideas or thoughts in the chat, or tell me what you think! I promise I don’t bite. Have a wonderful day!

[shiny-procrastinates]

(re)Watching Magia Record S1 - part 2

part 1 here

I had no idea it’d turn into a run-on text when I posted the last one, am now regretting several life choices.

Hello everyone and welcome to the second post of this series where we watch Magia Record together! (Hopefully)

Last time our cute protagonist was kidnapped by a witch and taken to a mysterious city called Kamihama, only to be saved by a singing chibi Kyuubei, getting kicked out by a blue haired op magical girl, and remembering that her long forgotten wish was to cure her missing sister’s illness. You know, happens everyday.

So then, where is Iroha’s younger sister Ui? What is going on in Kamihama? What’s up with those full-body tights? Guess we’ll have to watch to find out! (There is no answer to the last one.)

Puella Magi Madoka Magica Side Story: Magia Record Episode 2

So we kick this episode off with what seems to be a flashback of Iroha visiting her younger sister in the hospital.

The smile that was not protected.

They do some sister bonding and we are now back to the scene of Iroha making her wish, just a little trippier this time.

Iroha’s covered by some white sheets and…

Of course, it was all a dream. Yes, we’d like to know that, too, Iroha. I like how the camera moves back to show the empty part of her room, emphasizing how her sister’s completely gone.

And cut to the op. Talking about nice shots, this one’s my favorite in the opening:

Later, Iroha is telling Kyuubei about her wish. Today, she just bought her lunch instead of making it. Did you oversleep?

Regardless, Kyuubei does not know her sister. He asks if Ui really existed. According to him, it would take something like a magical girl’s wish to erase someone’s existence completely like that, so he suggests it’s more likely that someone implanted false memories in her. Iroha, however, believes those memories are real, and plans to visit the hospital she saw in her dreams in search for clues.

So Iroha is now going to Kamihama. She tried to get in contact with Kuroe but couldn’t reach her. Considering how determined Kuroe was to go to Kamihama though, she might be there already.

Iroha asks Kyuubei about the chibi Kyuubei from earlier, but Kyuubei doesn’t know anything about it. Rather, he says something like that shouldn’t exist.

This bus has ads. And Iroha really does like kids a lot, doesn’t she.

Alas, it seems you can’t even ride a bus in peace in this town. Before she can arrive at the hospital, Iroha gets caught up in yet another witch’s barrier.

Hello, Witch Delivery Service. How can I curse you today?

Once again, she’s not alone in the Labyrinth. There’s another girl getting her butt kicked having a hard time with Kamihama’s witches.

The new girl knows she can’t win, so she’s all in on running away, but Iroha can’t just leave the passengers to become witch food. They’re weak though, so as soon as they stop they’re attacked and end up stuck in a web.

:fuyuu～:

When all seems lost, in comes our knight in shining armor, with her weird shaped sword. If it was jagged, you’d think someone took a bite out of that.

This confident, strong-willed magical girl is called Momoko, and she came to help out the girl from earlier. I can’t screenshot this, but it’s cool how the camera slightly shakes as if affected by the wind when it shows her from the front.

Then there’s Rena.

The two join hands and do something like enchanting, I suppose. Borrowing Rena’s water powers, Momoko dives straight into the enemy and clears everything, not like a tidal wave, but literally with one. Iroha is very impressed… and then she gets run over by a ball of fur along with Kaede. gg

Iroha was abducted, this was actually sci-fi all along.

Of course not, though Madoka does happen in the near future.

Iroha wakes up to find herself in an unfamiliar place. Momoko explains to her that they are at the Coordinator’s, some sort of hospital + consultation center for magical girls… Iroha, please don’t repeat “magical girls” as if it doesn’t ring a bell, you are one.

You’re too nice for this world, shame only suffering awaits you.

Rena criticizes her, but Momoko reassures Iroha that’s just Rena’s way of showing concern. Seems about right.

Momoko offers to escort her back to the station, and Iroha asks if there really are that many witches in Kamihama. I’d say yes, considering how we’ve already seen three in only two episodes. They were way more rare in the og.

According to Momoko, it’s just like the blue haired magical girl had told her yesterday: not only there are a lot of them, they are also stronger than normal. However, Momoko says it was not always like that.

Iroha still needs to go to Satomi Medical Center to investigate her sister’s disappearance, so she explains her situation to Momoko’s trio.

:momokoncerned:

Rena’s not keen on believing Iroha’s story, but Momoko can’t leave someone in need, so she decides for her team to help Iroha. Even Iroha’s perplexed.

Rena complains that they already have their own investigation going on, but the other two argue that they haven’t found anything anyway and Rena was the one who least believed the rumor they’re investigating. Iroha just has no idea what’s going on.

It seems Momoko’s trio is chasing down a witch called the chain Witch, but Iroha has never heard about it.

Feeling bad about the trio arguing, Iroha says it’s fine and that she doesn’t want to bother them with searching for her sister too when they already saved her earlier, but Kaede pushes the point of “we’re all magical girls after all”, even when Rena’s clearly unwilling. They then finally properly introduce themselves.

The fiery blonde is Momoko Togame, the red haired druid is Kaede Akino and the blue haired tsundere is Rena Minami. They’re a magical girl team acting in the Shinsei Ward in Kamihama.

The group heads to Satomi Medical Center but, as expected, I guess, they wouldn’t let Iroha in. After all, not only her sister is not hospitalized there right now, as there are no records of her ever being there.

So the obvious choice here is going for some burgers.

Momoko says about Momoko.

She snatches the lunch from Iroha and goes upstairs… then she’s Rena. Guess we can assume Rena’s power is shapeshifting. Iroha is understandably very confused. (poor girl’s been like that ever since she came to Kamihama).

I do want to be spoken, too.

Iroha apologizes for having them accompany her for nothing, and says she’ll find a way to get to Ui’s hospital room. Momoko’s trio seems to have some plan, but Rena refuses to do it. Kaede confirms that Rena can shapeshift.

Momoko and Kaede want Rena to shapeshift into a nurse and infiltrate the hospital, but Rena doesn’t want to take the risk. Kaede and Rena then start fighting. Kaede’s upset that Rena refuses to use her powers for others, while Rena doesn’t want to put herself at risk for a stranger. Rena gets worked up, and ends up saying something bad enough to erase the background stickers.

Yeah, getting caught up in a friend fight is quite awkward isn’t it.

Rena runs her mouth and accidentally says Kaede’s wish is stupid. But magical girl’s wishes are their biggest desires when they make them, so it’s extremely rude to diss one. Kaede starts crying. Rena really screwed up there.

If only the background could talk for you, Rena.

Kaede is so upset she breaks up her friendship with Rena and walks off. Momoko tries to cheer Rena up with a mood-deaf joke, but it backfires and Rena also runs off. It’s nice how the girl’s thoughts they can’t put in words are expressed by the background stickers here. Rena would’ve seemed like a jerk if not.

Iroha and Momoko make their way back to the station. Momoko apologizes for the previous scene and Iroha apologizes for making them fight, but Momoko reassures her that that happens all the time.

Yeah, seems tiresome. From my experience, poking your nose in your friends’ fights more often than not only makes them both turn against you.

Iroha asks Momoko if the Chain Monster she joked about earlier was the same as the Chain Witch, and Momoko tells her about the rumor of the Staircase of Severance. According to the rumor, if you end your friendship with someone and write your names on a certain staircase at the school Momoko and co. attend, the first person to try to make up will be abducted by the chain monster. It would be fine if it was just a rumor, but the people who had their names written in the staircase did in fact disappear, and-

Hands- *cof* I mean, what do you have to do with this?

No, Kaede, don’t do it, it’s not worth it!

After a brief flash of a call to(?) or from(?) Momoko, Iroha meets up with her and Kaede at the station. According to them, Rena has been missing ever since their fight, and I’ve just now noticed the detail on the background showing the train lines. Nice.

The girls search for Rena until late, and finally find her at the arcade. Rena tries to pass herself for someone else, but the keychain doesn’t lie. Rena runs away, turning into a lot of other people, and the girls chase after her. As they do, chains follow their path.

Kaede catches Rena and asks why she’s running away. She says their friendship isn’t over, since Rena didn’t throw away their mascot, so she’ll apologize again if she has to and she won’t let go until Rena forgives her.

So Kaede apologizes to Rena and says they’ll go back to being friends. Rena then starts seeing chains.

The familiar-like things start mocking her. They say Rena wrote their name on the Staircase of Severance, so they won’t let them go back to being friends. Rena’s also the only one who can see them. The chain monsters start saying what should be the reasons why Rena would break up their friendship, which Rena desperately denies. The monsters then take Kaede away.

And that’s it for this episode. The rumor of the Staircase of Severance was true, Kaede was kidnapped and we still have no clue what that flash to the blue haired magical girl when Momoko was talking about the rumor even means. Leaving this episode with more questions than answers, and barely making any progress on Iroha’s investigation, we now get the ending for this season: Alethea, by ClariS.

It’s a beautiful ending, but it’s kind of funny having this when Yachiyo’s name hasn’t even appeared in the anime yet. I actually thought for the longest time that this song was called Alicia since the katakana sounds like that (or I may have misread it), so you can imagine my surprise when I learnt over a year later I was wrong lol

There’s also the little but nice detail that Yachiyo’s holding the umbrella she has when she meets Iroha on the opening.

With that, we are done with episode 2! Will our girls be able to save Fuyuu from the Chain Witch? Will Rena be able to be honest for once? Guess we’ll have to find out next time! Looking forward to having you guys for episode 3, same hour, same Tumblr blog.

(P.S: I went with Staircase of Severance for the name of this rumor since that’s what is being used in these subs, but I think it’s Friendship Ending Staircase somewhere else. Same thing tho)

[yogpetshame]

Hi all, following on from my update post last week, today I want to share some more thoughts and apologise for something that I feel particularly bad about.

In 2016 screenshots emerged on tumblr of Sjin chatting flirtatiously with fans online. During a livestream and reddit post I angrily defended him and insulted those who were sharing the screenshots - something I deeply regret doing and am very sorry for.

At the time I thought a few overly-sensitive individuals were blowing things out of proportion and getting angry on behalf of others. I hadn’t received any complaints and to me it appeared that no one was hurt. I reminded Sjin that chatting with fans in this way was not okay and if it were to happen again he would be removed from the Yogscast. Sjin was a close friend and I stupidly believed him when he said nothing inappropriate had happened (emphasis added).

Last year, a number of women shared their stories with me and I finally realized that he had, in fact, caused a great deal of hurt. 

I understand now that his position of power allowed him to emotionally manipulate and sexually harass members of our community.

I don’t think he really understood that his actions were not okay - or the impact of them - but that is no excuse, people were hurt and they continue to come forward.

Over the last week I’ve seen many courageous women and men share their stories only to be insulted, shamed or threatened with lawsuits or violence and I have been very upset by this. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last year, it’s that accusations against influencers deserve to be taken seriously and those speaking up should be met with compassion, respect and support.

Yes, there will be a rare bad apple with a false claim. But if multiple victims have come forward then no doubt there are more who can't speak out in public. This could be because they’re protecting their family, reputation, mental health or career. And they should not feel guilty for waiting until they are ready to come forward.

It's a privilege to be a professional YouTuber or streamer - not a right. I applaud Twitch for taking action to remove poisonous individuals from the platform and I hope other big platforms do the same. But we need to do more: we need to educate influencers that fans are real people with real feelings - something that can be hard to see through the veil of anonymity on the internet.

We have a HR rep at the Yogscast and are implementing a sensitivity training course that all current and future creators will be expected to complete. Perhaps something like this should be built into requirements to join “partner programs” on Twitch and YouTube, just as you’re required to complete a short online training course to get certified for Google Adsense.

I encourage everyone to stand up when they see or hear something wrong and call it out. My [e-mail](mailto:lewis@yogscast.com) is always open to anybody who has concerns about how we do things.

To conclude, it’s become apparent to me that my past inaction and ignorance contributed to the hurt caused by Sjin and others and I feel deeply ashamed about this. I want to say sorry to everyone who has been affected.

There’s been a lot to think about and consider so I’ve decided to take a few weeks away from everything and I’ll be back in due course.

Be good to one another,

Lewis

I felt like taking ages to get around to responding to this -  that’s why it took me a while. When I see a long letter and I agree with every point I don’t feel like throwing myself at it. I’m not chasing it down like I’m trying to hunt the post and kill it.

In case you were missing the context, Lewis is referring to what we’ve been calling the “Fuck You Stream,” a Deck Rippers stream from April 2016 in which Lewis screamed “fuck you” at least five times to people who had brought accusations against Sjin. The Yogscast appear to have delisted the video, so I’m having trouble giving you the context you deserve here. This post contains a large transcript of the things that were said, and I might have archived it somewhere, but if it’s already up somewhere, let me know.

How fucking long ago was “Yogscast needs HR” a slogan? All it took was one errant flail in their everyday uncontrolled brawl to punch a hole in Yogcon, and suddenly focusing on sensitivity and tackling the harmful repercussions of their behavior began to make financial sense. One year later and the Rooster Teeth partnership as well as pressure from Twitch finally forced the Yogs to get HR.

It’s easy but often toothless to say “They should do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.” Which is why my main point was always, “the right thing to do will make financial sense in the end.” The fact that Sjin was leaving dozens of victims in his wake doesn’t seem to have immediate financial repercussions, but £100,000 and a crater in their reputation later... An ounce of prevention,  £100,000 of cure. You could attribute MadCat leaving to his shitty behavior and insubordination, or, as Madcat says they described it, you could call him a “brand risk.” You get to the same place in the end.

There’s one thing Lewis does state clearly but is easy to miss, and probably wasn’t something he wanted to emphasize.

In 2016 screenshots emerged on tumblr of Sjin chatting flirtatiously with fans online.... At the time I thought a few overly-sensitive individuals were blowing things out of proportion and getting angry on behalf of others. I hadn’t received any complaints and to me it appeared that no one was hurt... Last year, a number of women shared their stories with me and I finally realized that he had, in fact, caused a great deal of hurt. I understand now that his position of power allowed him to emotionally manipulate and sexually harass members of our community.

The only difference between 2016 and 2019 was... empathy. Really. I don’t see Lewis stating that he discovered any missing information. I see a man in 2016 who saw these women complaining and couldn’t take them at their word until it came explicitly paired with an explanation of the harm.

I don’t find that so surprising, considering he initiated the Fuck You Stream four years ago by dragging Minty, calling her a jealous and unsatisfying ex of Sjin’s. You have to really forge a person to change them from that kind of beast into someone who actually empathizes with other people, who actually wants to ask and to learn who has been harmed rather than read and pass instant judgement.

We need to educate influencers that fans are real people with real feelings - something that can be hard to see through the veil of anonymity on the internet.

Because Lewis didn’t always know that.

So while I’m being slow and ponderous instead of a screaming eagle for once, I have an actual mellow suggestion for Lewis. If he thinks there should be sensitivity training, really dig into the experience of changing your mind and share that. Why you thought they weren’t real people, what you heard that changed you the most. Bring it to the Yogscast’s audience, and to leadership at Twitch. You’re among the vaccinated now, go share the vaccine.

It’s been interesting to me, watching those final hardcore dregs of Sjin’s fanbase try to smell out some weakness in this. Lewis says “Sjin was a close friend,” and they go, “hmm, does not compute, they are clearly still friends,” or possibly more desperately, “maybe there’s a chance they’ll be friends again!” 

They put it down to pressure the way Lewis did in 2016, and say it’s not Lewis’ fault, it’s those guys on Reddit running the whole conspiracy who are to blame. Much like how Reddit used to blame the accusations against Sjin on Tumblr. Because clearly the only valid source of information is the social media platform you yourself are using.

Some of the real Einsteins say, “well none of the damage would have happened if they’d just kept this private matter private.”

Sjin would never be stopped if it was kept private.

Sjin behaving this way was never a private matter, it was an abuse of his professional position.

He would not have been enabled to cause this damage without combining his private and professional life.

Sjin literally harassed his professional contacts within the Yogscast. It’s literal workplace sexual harassment.

At any rate. There’s always going to be doubters. It’s just good to know we’re not watching the Yogscast management pander to them anymore.

There’s been doubt about it but again, this blog’s going to continue to exist. It started because people were being censored on Reddit, and they still are, and because Lewis and others were muffling complaints sent in through their emails which may or may not have come to an end. Lewis watched while Turps and Sjin helped reinforce systemic issues in the Yogs, and we’ll see whether Lewis is serious about dismantling what he did.

Starting with earnestly tackling that subreddit that Bouphe doesn’t like, maybe?

[lavender-rebellion]

The Reality of Existence  Chapter one

Masterpost

AO3 Link

Ships: Analogical and Royality

Description: "Thomas looked around his living room and felt a stone in his gut. He had four freshly human sides before him. Four human, terrified, grown adult men who had never lived a day in the real world. Four men who didn’t legally exist, permanently in reality. They were in his care now, and that dormant panic made itself known once more.“ A story about learning to live and learning to love. But also about being roommates, first jobs, being an adult, and that friendship really is the strongest force on earth. They all have things to teach and things to learn, but that’s part of being human. (They have to learn how to do that too, though)

TW for a panic attack and what can be seen as depression symptoms.

Thomas closed the door noisily behind him, letting out a heavy sigh and quickly making his way over in front of his TV, the familiar spot lending him some comfort and he could feel most of the anxious energy fall from his shoulders. He took a moment to take in the new perspective of his living room the spot gave him, before rolling his shoulder and finding the threads inside him. Thomas tugged at the one thrumming with more nervous energy than usual, watching Virgil appear on the stairs nearly immediately. Seems he was waiting for him, which was fair considering that Thomas had been thinking of this all day.

“It’s bad.” Virgil agreed quickly, wrapped up tight in his hoodie with darker bags than usual. Thomas still wasn’t sure if they were natural or makeup, and Virgil always dodged the question. Honestly, he didn’t know which one was more troubling, if Virgil apparently hadn’t gotten a good days sleep ever or if he thought it was a good fashion choice. Speaking of bad fashion choices…

“I knew it, they hated it!” He despaired, running a hand through his hair. Virgil nodded solemnly.

“There is an unusual amount of icky-sticky energy in here.” Patton rose up, hands on his hips. “If I didn’t know better I’d think your name was Vicky!”

Thomas let out a small chuckle at the Fairly Odd Parents joke because while it wasn’t Patton’s best it was clear that he was trying to cheer him up. Virgil sent a tense smile at the other side, who seemed to pick up on the mood and clapped his hands together.

“Alright then, what’s the problem, kiddo? I’ve got my listening ears on and I’m ready to ear you out!”

“It’s his new shirt!” Virgil chimed in, gesturing. Patton looked confused.

“My friends hated it!” Thomas clarified, “I looked awful all day, and they kept sneaking looks at it with this look on their face..”

“Thomas have we not already gone over your cognitive distortions? It was only a few months ago, surely you remember?” Logan rose up, flipping through a planner. He looked up to give Thomas a disapproving look, before returning Patton’s wave and sharing a smile with Virgil.

“Well yeah, but this is different.” Thomas insists, feeling a little silly but mostly like he needs to change his name and go into hiding.

“Look, Thomas, there is only one option and you know it. It’s time to move away to a remote village and become a hermit, never showing your face again.” Virgil cut in, chopping his hands down to emphasize his point. He nodded along, crossing his arms and wondering how long it would take to pack up his entire house and buy a new one. One without internet access, he couldn’t ever go online again.

“Uhhhh….” Patton looked up at Virgil dubiously. Logan shot him a similar look.

“That’s a bit of an overreaction, is it not? We can’t just go into hiding over a bad ‘look’.”

“Watch me.”

“What’s wrong with his shirt, again? I’m lost.” Patton asked.

“And why are you reacting so strongly to this, it’s hardly the worst thing you’ve worn out of the house,” Logan added, and Thomas clutched at his chest, offended. What could he possibly be talking about, and why was he so quick to remember it? Was it recent? Had Thomas just been walking out of his house looking like he got dressed in the dark for ages?

“Not helping, Lo!” Virgil ran his hands over his face, dark bags still perfect afterward which lent weight towards the natural theory..what were they arguing about again? “Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that Thomas looked ridiculous all day and it’s all on camera!”

Oh right, that.

“OH! That’s right, you were filming that collab today weren’t you?” Patton jumped, clapping his hands together again. “How did that go?”

They all looked over at him, disbelieving, before turning back to the conversation.

“Everyone is going to see my stupid shirt and laugh, and screenshots are going to be all over Tumblr and there will be memes-”

“Are you really that worried about a bunch of 13-year-olds making fun of you?” Logan interrupted. Thomas ignored him.

“-and people are going to think I’m silly and then they’re going to realize that I’m a weird 30 year old who records himself talking to himself and posts it on Youtube-”

“Tumblr is not just a bunch of 13-year-olds, there’s plenty of young adults and adult adults. I mean, we’re on Tumblr, and so is Joan.” Virgil argued.

“Plus 13-year-olds are really mean,” Patton whined. Still ignoring them.

“-and they’re going to stop watching my videos which means I’m going to steadily lose money until I’m making none and then I’ll have to get a stuffy desk job-”

“That’s true. It’s like the John Mulaney skit, ‘13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world because they will make fun of you, but in an accurate way’.” Virgil quoted.

Patton gasped, “Oh I love John Mulaney! He is a very funny man.”

“That’s ridiculous, there’s no factual evidence that 13-year-olds are meaner or more observant than any of the ages near them.”

“Clearly you’ve never spoken to a 13-year-old.”

“-and I’ll spend the rest of my days living in a grey, unfulfilling haze where my coworkers make fun of me and send office emails around full of my earliest vines and those awful screenshots-” Ignoring them, just continue ranting.

“We are both sides, I’ve met every 13 year old you have.”

“And you’re still defending them?”

“Yeah, I’m on Virge’s side in this, Logan. 13-year-olds are just cruel.”

“I’m not defending them, I’m simply saying that there’s no logical reason-”

“There’s no logic in pre-teens-”

“Not even a teen- sy bit-”

“-and that will be my life, mockery and the cold confinement of office routine, no friends or boyfriends and I’ll die alone, without even a cat for company because I have this stupid allergy-”

CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

They all went quiet, echoing the clap and looking over at Roman, who had appeared a second ago while they were bickering.

“How am I supposed to practice my one-man duets if you are all making a racket?” Thomas squinted at the gaudy necklace he was wearing, a giant ruby pendant resting in the center of his chest. While he watched, it flashed a dim red light. Must have been the light catching the gem.

But everyone else glanced at it as well, including Roman. He looked pleasantly surprised.

“I didn’t know it did that. Neat!”

“What on earth are you wearing?” Logan sighed, glaring at the necklace in suspicion.

"Oh, it’s a best friend necklace! The Dragon Witch gave it to me-”

“The Dragon Witch?” Virgil interrupted, looking at him like he was crazy. Roman glared at him, but it lacked any real heat. He placed a hand on his hip and popped it dramatically.

“Yes, the Dragon Witch. We totally patched things up and are now great friends! Honestly, it was super judgy of me to declare her as evil just because she happens to be a dragon and a witch. She can’t help that! And there are good witches and dragons! Like Sabrina, or the characters from Dragon Tails!” Roman argued, waving his hand around. Patton nodded along, looking proud.

“That is so true! That’s so cool of you, Roman! And may I just say it is be- ruby -ful!” He beamed.

“Ayyyyyyy-” Roman pointed at him, looking delighted. Thomas hid his laugh behind his hand.

“That feels ill-advised,” Logan argued, Virgil gesturing at him in agreement, looking baffled. Personally, Thomas didn’t see the problem with it. But they were once again off track, and Thomas’s problem still hadn’t been solved, so he shrugged and decided that there were no real arguments against Virgil’s idea and that must mean it was fine. He turned and moved to grab his suitcases out of the hall closet.

“Maybe you should evaluate why you hate dragons and/or witches because it’s not her problem that you have a bias.” Roman sassed.

“I have no problem with either of those things, I’m simply saying that prior behavior suggests- Thomas where are you going?” Logan cut off, confused. Thomas blinked and jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

“Gotta pack, so I can become a hermit.”

Logan sighed and adjusted his glasses. “You are not becoming a hermit.”

“I’m not?” “He’s not?”

Logan glared at Virgil and Patton. “No, you aren’t. Thomas, I know you remember our conversation about cognitive distortions so I’m not going to bother rehashing it, and instead let’s get to the root of this problem. Yes, you may have looked silly today, and your friends may or may not have noticed it. Your outfit will certainly be in the video, and others may or may not make fun of it. But we both know that is where it will end, and that it is a minor problem. So why are you making such a big deal about it?”

“Yeah, buddy, it’s not like you to make mountains out of mole-hills.”

It was Thomas’s turn to sigh, body slumping out of its tense position. “You’re right- (“I’m always right.”) - I’m overreacting. I’m just worried about Cartoon Therapy.” He admitted.

“That’s the new script you and Joan are working on, right?” Patton wondered.

“Yes! It’s going to be amazing, you are just going to love the therapist, Pat!” Roman gushed.

“But that’s the thing, what if it isn’t amazing? What if it sucks? I’ve never made such a long scripted episode, what if it gets boring or repetitive? What if people don’t like the new characters? I mean it isn’t like I made you guys up, and I don’t write our scripts from scratch-”

“Take a deep breath, Thomas.” Virgil soothed, looking a little frazzled but much more relaxed compared to earlier. Thomas hadn’t even noticed his anxiety ebb into a dull static. He did as he said, sharing a smile with him at the reference.

“Thanks.” He murmured quietly.

“Give yourself some credit, you’ve created characters people have loved before, in much shorter bits. Take your personification of Sleep, for example. He is well-liked and barely fleshed out. I’m sure characters you can take your time establishing will be just as well received.”

“And if you can’t give yourself credit, give some to Joan. We all know they are a creative genius.” Patton added, speaking softly. “The script will be fine, and the characters will be great. All you can do is give your best try when writing, and watch it come to life.”

“For now, distract yourself and allow yourself to calm down. Put on Parks and Recs! It’ll work out.” Roman suggested. Thomas nodded, feeling much calmer than when he came in. He took another deep breath and grinned at his sides.

“Thanks, guys.”

“It was no problem, I a- shirt you.” Patton shot him finger guns and winked, and then-

Just stood there. Thomas’s brow creased in confusion, watching panic slowly bleed into his expression.

“Pat?”

“I-uh,” The others were looking at him in concern now, “I can’t sink out.”

“What?”

“I can’t sink out.” He stressed, and Logan fidgeted with his glasses.

“How is that possible, Patton-”

“I don’t know!” Patton snapped, looking very upset. “I just know I can’t!”

“I can’t either.” Virgil blurted out, his voice layering.

“This is probably nothing. Lets just all take our own deep breaths, close our eyes and focus on the living room.” Logan said, terse. Thomas watched them all do so, fear rising inside of him at an alarming rate. None of them sunk.

“What’s happening?” He asked. They all looked a little crazed, wide eyes darting around.

“I don’t know, this shouldn’t be possible! What could have-” Logan’s head darted up from where it was buried in his hands. “Your necklace!”

Roman jumped, alarmed at the outburst. A lightbulb went on over Thomas’s head.

“It flashed earlier! When you arrived!”

Roman looked even more alarmed, hands going to the chain and frantically yanking it up over his head, tossing it to the ground. There was a split second of relief on all of their faces before the ruby once again lit up, this time with a blinding red light that filled the entire room, too bright to see through. Thomas could hear the sounds of bodies thumping to the floor and he blinked rapidly, trying to clear the spots from his eyes.

Four men were crumpled on the floor (and stairs), but they weren’t the men who were there just a minute ago. They were all dressed like his sides, but it wasn’t his face looking back at him. He could feel his breath hitching in his chest, his lungs empty and his chest burning. He sunk to the floor and curled up, sticking his head between his legs. He could fuzzily recognize this as a panic attack, though he had never had one this severe, and clumsily went through tactics he remembered reading when researching Anxiety. It took him a while, but eventually, he was back to being aware. The men were still on his ground.

In Patton’s place was a man with curly blond hair and a scattering of freckles across his rounder cheeks. He was a bit softer all around, and round glasses lay on the ground next to him. Roman had been replaced with a tanner version of him, a face that was similar to Thomas’s, but his hair was a dark ginger and thicker, his swoop larger than usual. He seemed broader than usual as well, but he was crumpled oddly and Thomas couldn’t be sure. Instead of Virgil, there was a slight man with wild purple hair, lightly curling around his face. It looked like there was a suggestion of freckles on his pale skin as well, but he was too far away and the maybe-freckles were light if they were there at all. His makeup -or not?- was gone, replaced with very real eye bags that were much less severe but still noticeable. And not-Logan was, well, tall. Not giant, but he appeared taller than before, with black hair neatly styled out of his face, which also looked much like Thomas’s own. Actually, they appeared like they could be siblings, and not-Logan looked the most like who he should be. Does that make sense? Thomas didn’t really care, he was still panicking.

Not-Patton looked the least like Thomas, with not-Virgil hovering somewhere between him and not-Roman. There was a strong suggestion of Virgil’s features but they were more…delicate somehow. Like a distant relative of Talyn’s and a less distant relative of his. Patton didn’t look much like him, while Roman could be a cousin and  Logan could be his brother. Because that’s who they were, he knew it and he had to stop lying about it. Those were his sides, only they weren’t very side-like at all.

A low groan came from Logan, the body shifting on the floor and pushing up into a sitting position. Thomas froze, looking at the strange frame which suddenly felt like it was sitting much too close to Thomas’s own. He scooted back, tense. Logan blinked the spots from his eyes as well, before freezing. He was looking straight at Patton. Thomas was sure he was just as startled as he was, but then Logan relaxed and leaned back against the wall.

“Oh good, we’re back.” He hummed quietly to himself.

“Uh, what the fuck ?” Thomas blurted, feeling somehow more confused and nervous. Logan nearly jumped into the air, head whipping around to face him, dark blue eyes blinking once more at him. His brow drew down in confusion.

“Thomas? But how did you- maybe the light….no, because we never appear like this with you around…” He muttered. They were both interrupted by movement on the staircase, Virgil righting himself on the steps, holding his head. His face was scrunched tight in discomfort, and Logan’s attention snapped to him.

“Are you alright?” Logan asked Virgil, lowly. Virgil nodded, eyes clearing the last of the light and locking with the other sides.

“Fine, Lo. We’re back then?” He noticed the tight line of Logan’s mouth and suddenly Thomas was staring into green.  Virgil’s eyes aren’t brown anymore, either, a grey-green color replacing the familiar warmth. They narrowed.

“That’s not right…”

“What is going on?!” Thomas asked forcefully. He doesn’t get an answer, Patton stirring by the curtains interrupting them. He fumbled for his glasses, clumsily shoving them back on his face and opening his eyes.

“Well, that sure was a pain in the neck , very ruby of that Dragon Witch if you ask me.” Patton joked, though it lacked humor. Just like the other’s his body went slack when he noticed the others, but straightened as he immediately took note of Thomas. He absentmindedly noticed that Patton’s eyes were a sky blue. “Why are you in our living room?”

“I-what-” Thomas spluttered. Patton’s attention shifted just as fast as it came, and he let out a little gasp when he noticed Roman’s unconscious form.

“I don’t think he’ll be waking up for a couple of minutes, at least. It appears we woke up based on how close we were to the initial blast.” Logan offered, his eyes darting back to Virgil every so often, who was also watching Roman with concern.

“What happened?” Patton asked, distressed, and Thomas could have laughed.

“That’s what I’ve been fucking asking!” He burst out, earning a startled expression from Patton.

“Language.”

“That is the least of our problems, Patton! You all knocked out and you aren’t you and you’re still in my living room and no one is telling me what’s going on so take your language and shove it. ” He snapped, and his sides reeled back in shock. He felt a little hysterical, he might laugh anyway. It was either that or scream, because one of them was climbing up his throat.

“We don’t know what is going on, any more than you do,” Logan said.

“But, you- you look!”

“This is how we appear in the Mind Space. When you manifested us for the first time you did so with an image in your mind, so that’s how we appeared.” Virgil explained carefully, looking wary after Thomas’s outburst. “In fact, we look like the short’s characters you imagined us as, so while some features you seemed aware we had, like glasses, the rest of it wasn’t originally us.”

What? “So I decided your faces and clothes and personalities, and forced it on you?”

“Not quite. Admittedly, we dressed very similarly before manifestation, and our personalities have been ours since we started existing. You’ve always been aware of those things, just like you’ve always known our functions and of our existence.” Logan corrected.

Patton piped up, though he wasn’t meeting Thomas’s eyes. “It’s just part of being a manifester, kiddo. Well, we assume so, there isn’t exactly a guidebook on it.”

He suddenly felt bad about his outburst, the metaphorical wind leaving his metaphorical sails. “I’m sorry, Patton, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. At any of you.”

“It’s fine! We’re all freaking out, I can understand your reaction.” He was warmer this time, and Thomas sighed.

Roman let out a dramatic groan and made to sit up against the TV stand, body swaying unsteadily as he adjusted to being conscious. These eyes were familiar and comforting, even squinting suspiciously at him. “You aren’t supposed to be here.”

Patton tapped the ground to get his attention and quietly started filling him in on what little had happened, while Logan started looking around the living room.

“Earlier, you said we were still in your living room,” Virgil commented, watching Logan. He nodded, and Logan mirrored it.

“He’s right, this isn’t our living room. The pictures are wrong, and things are displaced. Like, look, your blankets are not on the couch, and my book and our tea are missing from the table.” He pointed out, and the other three glanced around.

“We didn’t sink out.” Patton devastated.

“And we’re in our real forms, which shouldn’t just happen out of the Mind Space,” Virgil added, grave.

“Something is very wrong.” Roman finished.

“Nothing would be wrong if you hadn’t worn a necklace from the Dragon Witch.” Logan pointed out, edgy. Roman looked a mix between guilty, stricken, and offended, and it twisted his face into something that could have been funny outside of the circumstances. Thomas still wanted to laugh, but that might be the shock setting in. Was this shock? He thought for a second and decided it didn’t really matter. But maybe he should get a blanket?

As the sides began some tense arguing, he spotted his phone lying where he dropped it in his panic attack and realized what would help even more than a blanket. He grabbed it and opened up the call feature. (When was the last time he did that, honestly?)

“It was a gift given of good will, I had to wear it! How could I have known she would do this?”

“Maybe because she was the Dragon Witch ?!”

“Listen, just because she’s the only female in the Mind Space doesn’t mean she has to be the villain!”

“No, she’s the villain because she’s evil! ” Virgil argued.

“He has a point though. Why is the only woman in our realm a villain?” Patton offered, hesitant.

“Roman created her. And he accepted the necklace that got us into this mess!”

“Are you saying this is my fault, Virgil?”

“I’m not not saying that.”

“Virgil!”

“What, Patton? I’m not wrong.”

“But you shouldn’t say it..”

“Patton!”

Thomas hung up and clapped to get their attention. They went quiet once more. “Joan is on their way. Maybe they’ll have some ideas on what’s going on.” And they can tell me I’m not going crazy, he thought, but maybe that was preferable to this situation.

For the first time in his memory, they all lapsed into uncomfortable silence, Virgil tossing his hood over his head and withdrawing into himself while Patton wrung his hands, Roman sulked, and Logan fumed. He had never seen them like this, never known them to be this upset, especially with each other. Things have gotten tense, people have gotten upset or argued, but this disconnect? It was new and somewhat frightening. Minutes passed like snails, slow and dragging, leaving a film behind. Maybe that was the shock.

Finally, a knock on the door drew them out of their heads, and Thomas got up to let them in. They were in their pajamas, and it was only then he thought to check the time. Midnight.

“I’m sorry for dragging you out this late.” He said automatically, but Joan waved him off.

“It’s clearly important, and what are best friends for if not traveling across town at midnight when something important happens?” Joan joked, but Thomas could only give him a weak smile. “You said something happened with the sides?”

He gestured them in, running a hand through his hair. “It’s not good. I was just chatting with them after I got home, everything was normal, and then they couldn’t sink out.”

“They couldn’t leave?”

He shook his head, hovering by the door and speaking quietly. No point in causing the arguing to start back up before it was necessary. “Roman came in wearing this necklace the Dragon Witch gave him-”

“The Dragon Witch?”

“Apparently they made up recently. Today, I think, the others didn’t seem to know about it. Anyway, they figured that was what was preventing them from leaving so Roman took it off. But it let out this bright light, completely blinded us. I heard them all fall and when I could see again they were unconscious and in their real forms.” At their look he tried to explain, feeling jittery and uncomfortable. That was the panic. Shock? “They look different in the Mind Space, they said. They’ve never looked like this outside of it, apparently, they actively control the change. They still can’t sink out, and they keep arguing..”

Joan placed a hand on his arm, seeing him start to panic (had he ever stopped, though?) and Thomas lent into the steadying touch. He smiled at them, thankful. Finally, they moved into the living room, where the sides were waiting. If their new appearances startled them, they didn’t react.

“So you guys are stuck.”

“Understatement of the year,” Virgil grumbled, and Thomas gave him a disapproving look.

“Don’t be mean to Joan. They are just trying to help.”

“Sorry.” He looked guilty, but Joan waved him off.

“Everyone is upset and tense, I understand. But arguing isn’t going to help anything so can we leave that for when this really bad thing isn’t happening?”

They all nodded, and Joan clapped their hands. “Alright. So, once again, you’re stuck. You’ve all attempted to sink out after you woke I’m assuming?”

“Yeah. Before I felt a barrier, almost. I didn’t notice it at first but looking back it was definitely there. But now…now I don’t feel anything at all.” Patton answered, looking down at where his hands were fidgeting in his lap.

“It’s like the Mind Space is just gone.” Virgil agreed. Logan messed with his glasses again, looking agitated.

“But that’s not possible, unless Thomas had something severe happen to his brain or…he wasn’t breathing anymore. Clearly, neither of those things have happened.”

“Yeah I haven’t bonked my head recently, and I’m still kicking. I think?”

“You are,” Joan assured him, seeing the distress in his eyes. “So that means you’ve all lost your connection with the Mind Space, most likely. Can you still conjure things, or access any of your Mind powers?”

They all waved their hands around to no avail, looking crazy. Frustration was clear to read in all of their expressions. Joan grimaced.

“And my shadows are gone,” Virgil said, rubbing his thumb under his eye. “I’ve always had them, I don’t..”

“So, no powers, no shadows, no connection to the Mind.” Joan ticked off. “Forced appearances, as well. Thomas,”

He looked up. “Yeah?”

“You once mentioned you could feel the connections to them, like strings tying you together. Are those still there?”

Oh. He reached deep into his chest, where the strings he had used to call Virgil had always lied. There was just empty. He couldn’t recall ever feeling this empty. The tightness in his throat returned, and his face fell. A sob burst from his lips. “No. No, they aren’t there anymore. I can’t feel them, I can’t feel you guys.” Tears welled up in his eyes but he didn’t care, struck by the realization. “It’s all empty. I thought that was shock, but..”

Joan looked upset, and he distantly felt bad about bringing them into this, but now he was crying and he couldn’t stop. He was reeled into an embrace, and he went willingly.

“It might be shock, from having the connection broken,” Joan admitted, before looking over his head. “Do you guys still feel..”

It was clear from how they trailed off that the answer was no. They couldn’t feel Thomas anymore, and that wrung another shaking sob from him. It took him a few minutes to gather composure, but eventually, he straightened from the awkward hunched position he had had to make, making a small wince at the wet spot on Joan’s chest. A glance at the other sides showed that he wasn’t the only one crying though. He wiped his eyes.

“So, you have no connection to the Mind, or Thomas. But you’re still corporeal, I can see and hear you. Maybe….you’ve become real people. Somehow.”

Oh. He had been so wrapped up in what had happened, he never stopped to think about what it meant. The others looked just as gobsmacked.

“That’s impossible, though,” Logan whispered, but it was obvious to himself.

“Let’s test it. Have any of you moved from your spots?”

“I’m just so used to not being able it didn’t even occur to me,” Virgil admitted, getting to his feet. He swayed a bit, but didn’t fall. The rest rose as well. Patton took an unsteady step forward, likely stiff from hours sitting, and when he didn’t hit a barrier he took another. Virgil climbed down the stairs to meet him in the middle, and Roman stepped forward too. Patton’s eyes brightened slightly, and he reached for Roman.

“I wonder…” He grabbed Roman’s arm and pulled him into a hug. Roman gasped, eyes going wide, and when Patton pulled back he gave Roman a wobbly smile, face brighter.

“You felt it, right?” He asked, before gesturing Virgil to come closer and pulling him into a hug as well. Virgil let out the same surprised gasp and gripped Patton tight.

“Everything feels like it’s dialed up to, like, 15. Lo, come feel this!” He held out a hand to Logan, who placed his own on top and wove their fingers together. His eyes widened. Patton released Virgil and moved hesitantly in front of Joan.

“May I?” They nodded and suddenly Joan had an armful of Patton, who was beaming like it was Christmas.

“I can touch you,” Joan exclaimed, looking shocked. While they had always been able to see the sides, they had never been able to touch them before. Their hand had always gone right through them, like ghosts.

Thomas looked around his living room and felt a stone in his gut. He had four freshly human sides before him. Four human, terrified, grown adult men who had never lived a day in the real world.

“Is this permanent, do you think?” He asked.

“I think, Logan said haltingly, unsure, “ That we have to assume it is. Go into this with a ‘worst-case scenario’ mindset.”

Four men who didn’t legally exist, permanently in reality. They were in his care now, and that dormant panic made itself known once more. He couldn’t take care of them. He didn’t have the space, let alone the funds. And again, they didn’t legally exist. And how was he going to explain this? Only Joan and Talyn knew he was a manifester!

He caught Virgil’s eye and could tell he was thinking the same thing, saw him work himself into a similar panic.

“How can we live? We don’t exist in the eyes of the government, we have no papers! And without papers, we can’t get jobs! Where will we live? What will we do?” Virgil echoed his earlier thoughts, and Patton’s face fell. Roman was still quiet, arms wrapped around himself and staring at the ground. Logan looked deep in thought, lips moving silently. The tension in the room was back, and suddenly Thomas felt exhausted down to his bones. He just wanted to sleep, and let everything disappear. Just for a little while.

Joan seemed to pick up on this, and as frazzled as they now looked, standing in the center of Thomas’s living room in their pajamas at nearly 1 am, they once again smiled. “It’s late. Let’s order a pizza, I’m sure we’re all hungry, and then call it a night. We aren’t going to get anywhere tonight. Figure it out tomorrow.”

They all sagged, and while Joan quietly ordered they all moved to sit. The sides collapsed, leaning against each other, on one part of the coach while Joan and Thomas sat on the smaller side. He absently thought how lucky he was his couch was too big, but mostly he thought about how comfortable it was, and once again how much he wanted to sleep. There was quiet while they waited for food, but it was born out of exhaustion instead of anger.

Once they started to eat, however, some energy managed to fill them again, and quiet chatter started up. Roman mentioned quietly to Patton how cool it was to have a full sense of taste, while Joan struck up a conversation with Virgil and Logan on living in the Mind Space. He listened to them talk about the bookcase filled with books Thomas has read, about their rooms and the emotions connected, but only when Thomas was with them or they were feeling heightened. Roman chimed in with talk about his Realm filled with creativity and stories, while Patton mentioned the dog they had conjured and kept for a couple of weeks.

By the time the food was gone Thomas was nodding off, but he managed to get up and gather four sets of pajamas, mismatched and some grabbed simply because he didn’t know what would fit them. Like Virgil, who seemed too small for his pants and instead got a pair of boxers he bought a size too small, and Patton who he had to dig out one of his slightly larger shirts for. He wandered back to the living room on autopilot and took them all up to the spare bedroom.

They took the clothes from him and Patton grabbed a bunch of spare blankets, setting up two beds on the floor. They looked as out of it as him, and the chorus of “Goodnight, Thomas”’s were more mumbles than speech. He closed the door behind him and went back down to Joan, who was dozing on the couch.

“Thank you for coming over.” He said softly, “And thank you even more for being so helpful. I couldn’t have made it through tonight without you, and I’ll never be able to express how much it meant to me.”

“Everything is going to be alright, Thomas.” Joan insisted, and he smiled.

“Yeah, it probably will. But would you do me a favor and spend the night, so I know it’s not all some crazy dream tomorrow when I wake up?”

They took the hand he offered and pulled themselves up, giving him a teasing grin.

“What, you thought I was going to leave? It’s nearly 2 am, you owe me a place to sleep, dude.”

They headed sluggishly to bed, and everything else was tomorrow’s Thomas’s problem.

(tagging @strickenwithclairvoyance because they told me to, and they inspired me. Hope you like it! Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future chapters! (Also bold of you to assume there won’t be Deceit because he wasn’t ejected.))

[phoenix-downer]

The Keyblade Graveyard Part 1: Japanese and English Comparison

This is the fifth in a series of translation and analysis posts I’ve done about KH3. I’ll be talking about KH3 in the context of Westerns, briefly touch on a possible connection to jidaigeki, go into detail on camera angles and camera shots, and, of course, discuss translation and the social aspects of language.

I’ve broken up this analysis into multiple parts because it was getting so long. This part will cover Aqua and Ven’s interactions with Terranort, the next will cover when he attacks Lea and Kairi, and so on and so forth up through when the Demon Tide sweeps Sora away. 

Here’s a general key for the kind of analysis I like to do:

JP: Official Japanese Dialogue

EN: Official English Dialogue

TR: My Translation (usually more literal and thus more stilted than the official English version. I’m not using natural-sounding English in order to stick as close to the Japanese versions of the lines as possible for the purpose of analysis)

Notes: things I found interesting, grammatical points, extra thoughts, etc.

One last note: media doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Every work of art must be viewed through the cultural lens of the people who made it. Kingdom Hearts, for all its ties to Disney, is still very much a Japanese game, so it should be analyzed in light of that.

With that in mind, let’s continue.

Terra’s introduction is like a cowboy in a Western with the dramatic smoke:

The cinematography of this whole scene strikes me as inspired by Westerns and/or Samurai cinema (chanbara, a subcategory of jidaigeki, or period films). The two genres of film have had a large influence on each other (Akira Kurosawa’s classic Seven Samurai was remade as The Magnificent Seven in the US, for example, and Akira Kurosawa was a fan of the American director John Ford), so this speculation might not be that far off.

This screenshot from the trailer for Seven Samurai, for example, shows a similar “dramatic smoke/dust” moment, which makes me think that this may be a trope in Samurai cinema as well:

The setting of the Keyblade Graveyard itself calls to mind the setting of a lot of Westerns, with its smoke and dust and craggy hills and desert. The conflict even takes place in a graveyard, much like the final standoff in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, one of the most famous Westerns of all time (technically a Spaghetti Western, or a Western made in Italy - in this case directed by Italian director Sergio Leone):

Anyway, continuing on. Terra is here, but he’s looking at the ground and not making eye contact with anyone:

Ven is the first to notice him, and he calls his name...

JP テラ！

EN Terra!

TR Terra!

...before taking off after to him, which stresses Aqua out (and rightfully so - can you blame her for being on edge about everyone’s safety here, especially Ven’s?):

JP ヴェン！

EN Ven!

TR Ven!

We get this wide shot of Ven running to Terra while he just sort of stands there:

There are a number of shots like this in the scene that really emphasize the scale of the conflict by showing how small the human players are compared to the setting.

This ties in well to the theme that the characters cannot change their fate - they’re just playthings of it. The Keyblade Graveyard will still be there long after they’re dead, much like how it is still here after all the people who fought in the Keyblade War died. And while Sora does later change fate, he has to face the consequences. Death claims its prize in the end.

Ven latches onto Terra’s wrist, and the camera focuses on their hands:

And then we get this over the shoulder shot that is also at a bit of a high angle to emphasize Ven’s vulnerability:

JP テラやっと会えた！

EN Terra! We found you!

TR Terra! We could meet at last!

Notes: The Japanese phrasing is a little different than the English version, but the same general meaning gets across. Ven is excited to see Terra again. His use of yatto implies it’s been a while, and he uses the potential form for meet, hence why I translated this as “could meet” despite how awkward it sounds in English.

We get this reverse over the shoulder shot from a lower angle to emphasize Terra’s greater size and strength compared to Ven:

Now, Aqua has Seen Things™ in the Realm of Darkness, and she is quick to ask if this is really the Terra they know and love. No doubt she has in mind the time they met in the Realm of Darkness and Xehanort took control of him:

JP テラ　本当にテラなの？

EN Terra, please say you’re in there.

TR Terra, is that really you? (Literally: Is [that] really Terra?)

Notes: Japanese tends to use names more than English does, whereas English favors the use of pronouns, hence why Aqua repeats Terra’s name twice in her question in the Japanese version.

She uses the ~nano construction to check for confirmation - she wants to believe this is Terra, but she has her doubts.

We get this extreme close up shot of Terra’s eyes to emphasize that while yes, they are blue, they seem a little empty and soulless:

Something I noticed about Kingdom Hearts 3 is that there are a lot of extreme close up shots like this, especially of the characters’ eyes.

Well, as I was doing some research for this analysis, it turns out this type of shot is also sometimes called an Italian shot, named for... you guessed it, Sergio Leone, who popularized it in his Spaghetti Western films.

Here’s an example of this type of shot from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

The emphasis of this type of shot is on the character’s emotions, and it serves to heighten the dramatic tension of the scene. Multiple times throughout the Keyblade Graveyard, we’ll get extreme close up shots like this that have just such an effect.

On a side note, I never noticed this many extreme close up shots in a Kingdom Hearts game before. I wonder if they hired new cutscene director(s) to work on the game who left their unique mark on it, or if the graphics capabilities of UE4 allowed them to experiment around with the cinematography more than they could in the past.

Continuing on, we see Aqua’s reaction to Terra’s soulless gaze:

She immediately moves to put herself between Ven and Terra, selfless to the end:

Ven sounds downright annoyed in the Japanese version and confused/questioning in the English version, but Aqua doesn’t care, she’s keeping him safe. Note how tense Sora is in the background:

JP 何だよアクア！

EN What gives, Aqua?

TR What(’s going on), Aqua?

Notes: Ven uses the emphatic particle yo in the Japanese version to show his annoyance with Aqua here - they’re finally all together again and yet she’s pushing him away from Terra? What gives?

The camera changes to this wide shot, once again emphasizing the epic scale of this very human conflict:

JP あなたの中にテラはいない

EN I know that you’re not him.

TR Terra isn’t inside of you.

Notes: Aqua knows the problem. Terra, or perhaps more specifically, Terra’s heart, is not inside of the body before them now. Aqua sounds angry and frustrated in her delivery in the Japanese version. She’s sick of this happening, sick of Terra still being lost to them.

Ven gasps in this next shot to indicate his surprise:

And Aqua sounds very angry/upset in the Japanese version as she commands Xehanort to release Terra. The camera angle is low again to show how Terra is towering over them, to hint at the power imbalance that we will soon see play out:

JP テラの体を返��なさい！

EN Now, let our friend go!

TR Return Terra’s body (to him)!

Notes: When Aqua was addressing Terra earlier, she used casual/intimate grammar forms. Japanese has an entire system of conjugation based on social dynamics - there are polite and casual forms of verbs, there are honorifics, humble expressions, rude expressions... all to express the relationship between the speaker and the addressee.

Aqua switches to a more polite form here. This could be because she wants to indicate social distance from Xehanort. It certainly isn’t used to be polite. This isn’t her friend; this is the man who ruined her friends’ lives as well as her own. She commands him to return Terra’s body using the honorific form nasai in a way that sounds like she’s scolding him. It’s possible she also chooses to use this particular command form as a mark of feminine speech, instead of using one of the coarser/more direct command forms at her disposal.

The camera tilts up, still at that low angle to emphasize Terra’s relative size and height advantage, and he (well, more like the heart inside of him) smirks:

We see his hair change color in a close up shot:

And then Ven’s horrified reaction. After all, he never knew what happened to Terra (as far as I can remember). The shot here really emphasizes his emotions by centering him in the frame head-on:

Fate of the Unknown has begun to play, very fitting for this scene, as Terra’s fate smacks Ven in the face (and the audience as well, for that matter). Note how everyone is ready for a fight, even if their Keyblades aren’t out yet. Knees bent, arms outstretched, or, in Goofy’s case, balled into fists:

Then we get this close up shot of Terranort’s face. His hair is fully silver and his eyes are yellow, and Mickey proclaims what has become of Terra:

JP これで１３人目ー

EN He is their thirteenth.

TR Here is (the) thirteenthー

Notes: Basically saying the same thing in both languages, just worded sligthly differently to sound more natural in English.

Dark smoke wafts off of Terranort as he finally speaks, and it’s not with Terra’s voice:

JP おまえたちはここで敗北する

EN Today is the day you all lose.

TR Here you all (will) lose.

Notes: Terranort uses the derogatory second person plural pronoun omaetachi to refer to them here. He also uses a casual form of the verb suru, indicating familiarity or, in this case, contempt. The word for “lose,” haiboku, can also mean “be defeated.”

Aqua sounds downright angry here in the Japanese version as she responds, and Ven just looks sad. The camera angle is a little off-kilter here (note how Aqua and Ven seem the same height even though they are not, and the characters in the background form a diagonal line): to indicate how “off” this whole situation is (I think this would be an example of a Dutch angle, but in case it’s not, I’ll call this kind of angle a tilted angle throughout this analysis):

JP 何を！

EN What?!

TR What!

Notes: I noticed the dialogue uses a lot of exclamation marks throughout this scene, both in the English version and the Japanese version. Emotions are running high, and all those exclamation marks really serve to show that.

Here we get a shot of Ven’s feet and Aqua’s legs...

...which is reminiscent of images and posters of famous show-downs in movies, like this one for the 1952 Western High Noon:

We even see this same sort of shot earlier in this scene, this time with Sora’s legs and Xehanort as the approaching opponent:

Once again, the framing of the shots calls to mind Westerns.

Moving on to the dialogue:

JP １３の闇にたどりつくこともなく　この場で心は肉体を離れ我が身を散らす

EN Before you even face the thirteen, every last one of you will be torn heart from body.

TR Without even reaching the thirteen darknesses, at this place (your) hearts will be separated from (your) bodies (and) I (will) scatter them (literally the bodies).

Notes: Terranort uses a different pronoun than Terra does. He uses ware, which Xehanort sometimes uses (and also sounds kind of old-fashioned), instead of the masculine pronoun ore, which is Terra’s pronoun of choice.

In the Japanese version, two different words are used for “body” here as well, nikutai in the first instance and mi in the second instance, perhaps for poetic effect and/or to avoid redundancy.

Next, he summons his weapon, which is accompanied by more darkness, and delivers this line:

JP だが安心しろ

EN But fear not.

TR But be at peace.

Notes: “Fear not” sounds a little archaic in English, as in modern English we would say “don’t be scared” or “don’t be afraid.” Over time main verbs lost the ability to move in front of negatives in English, and we insert “do” instead, which attaches to “not” to form “don’t,” while leaving the main verb in its spot.  

Terranort’s use of an older construction in English like this is very effective at making him sound pompous. In modern English saying “fear not” brings up religious connotations, as a lot of well-known quotes from the Bible are based on older translations (hello, King James version) and thus older forms of the language. Terranort sounds like he’s playing at God, here, in other words. It also makes him sound older, which is fitting for an old man who stole the body of a young one.

In the Japanese version, he uses the command form of the verb suru, shiro, to command them to be at peace. This is a very direct way to command someone to do something, kind of coarse and not at all polite.

The camera cuts to this close up shot of his face:

JP χブレードはここで完成する

EN The χ-blade will still be forged.

TR The χ-blade will be completed here.

Notes: Basically saying the same thing in both languages. I like how the English version went with “forged,” though. Fitting for the whole “creating a weapon” thing.

We see, not Aqua and Ven’s reaction to Terranort’s proclamation, but everyone else’s, Sora’s in particular. He is centered in the frame here:

And then we get a closer shot of him to better showcase his reaction. His voice sounds lower here to indicate his determination:

JP おまえたちに負けることはない

EN We’re not gonna lose to you.

TR We’ll never lose to you.

Notes: Sora uses the derogatory second person plural pronoun here, omaetachi. He’s referring to their enemies as a whole as a whole, not just Terranort. Unfortunately this nuance is somewhat lost in English because we use “you” for both singular and plural second person, though regional varieties have popped up, such as y’all, you lot, you guys, youse guys, yinz, etc. to refer to plural “you.”

(For anyone wondering, yes, English did used to make this distinction in the past, much like many modern European languages still do. It was a sad day the English language lost its second person plural pronoun for various reasons that I won’t get into here, but those regional varieties I mentioned have popped up for a reason - it is really useful to be able to make that distinction between singular and plural!)

Sora uses the ~kotowanai construction here to indicate that they’ll never lose to Xehanort and his cronies. He’s absolutely sure of it. And the English version captures his casual style of speech with “gonna.”

The shot ends with him glaring at Terranort:

And the camera cuts to Terranort, making what I will call “the Xehanort look” from here on out:

We can see the Xehanort look exemplified by Xehanort himself here:

An eyebrow raised, head tilting forward, eyes looking up - a Kubrick stare to indicate he’s a little deranged.

An example of the Kubrick Stare for reference, from the film A Clockwork Orange. The Kubrick Stare was popularized by the director Stanley Kubrick for it showing up in a lot of his films:

That is a dramatic contrast from the types of faces Terra makes:

Using Xehanort’s expressions with Terra’s body makes it very clear Terra is not the one in control here, as to my knowledge Terra never makes the Xehanort look. It’s also very unsettling to see Terra acting like Xehanort. It just feels wrong, and that really comes through in how Terranort moves and reacts.

One moment, he’s there...

...and the next, he’s gone, indicated by a whooshing noise:

He can move lightning-fast, a fact the slow motion here in the next part obscures a little for dramatic effect. This has also lead to the impression that Aqua and Ven just stood there and did nothing. That’s not entirely true. It’s more like they didn’t have time to do much of anything.

Aqua does, in fact, react to his disappearance; you can hear her make a surprised noise here:

And then he suddenly reappears between her and Ven, indicated by another whooshing noise. Note Terranort’s posture, how he is bending his knee to gather as much momentum to hit Ven with as possible. The scene also goes into slow motion for dramatic effect:

And the camera cuts to him swinging his blade and speeds up a little:

Again, Aqua barely has time to register that Terranort has moved because he’s moving so quickly. Ven is in shock because he would never imagine Terra hurting him. They didn’t have much time to launch any sort of a defense, and while I think Aqua expected Terranort to attack her, perhaps, neither she nor Ven expected Terranort to attack Ven.

Because Ven is like their younger brother, or even their son. In the Japanese version of BBS he downright said he was supposed to bring his parents to Disney Town when he gave Terra and Aqua the passes, not just grownups like the English version went with. And while Aqua and Terranort have fought before, Terra has never laid a hand on Ven. Not as Terra, not as Terranort. Ven trusts him to keep him safe, to protect him. So for Terranort to attack him, well...

It’s kind of like watching a father attack his own son as his wife watches on in horror at what’s unfolding.

The scene goes back into slow-mo as Terranort’s Keyblade connects with Ven, and Ven is folded over from the impact, Terranort hit him so hard. He makes a choked sound of pain, too, like he’s had the wind knocked out of him and can hardly breathe. Note how Aqua isn’t looking in their direction yet because she hasn’t had time to look yet:

We cut to a closer shot of Ven that puts the focus on him as he reacts, and you can see the pain written all over his face:

The scene is still in slow motion as he hurtles backwards:

And then the camera cuts to Aqua to show her reaction. She slowly turns her head (still in slow-mo, remember?), and the look of shock and horror on her face is heartbreaking to see:

The camera speeds up to normal speeds as it shows Ven being flung backwards, as if this is from Terranort’s POV:

Note how Ven’s eyes are still open, he still seems to be conscious:

And then the camera cuts to a different perspective behind the characters, as if the camera is on the ground. Note how once again the ground is at an angle instead of forming a straight line in this shot to indicate how wrong this whole situation is. We can also see Ven landing on his back with his legs in the air...

...which provides enough momentum for him to tumble backwards:

His body settles on the ground in a cloud of dust, and he no longer seems to be conscious. Note his limp head:

My guess is that landing on his back like that/hitting his head is what made him lose consciousness, as he was conscious before when he was still in the air. Terranort wasn’t necessarily trying to kill him (though I’d argue hitting your head like that would probably be enough to kill you in real life if not in video games), he was just trying to incapacitate him so it would make it easier to take his heart out of his body later on.

Riku provides credence to this theory later on when he tells Sora that the hearts of their friends are still in their bodies. If Ven had died here, that probably wouldn’t be the case.

The camera cuts to Terranort, and he has a downright smug expression on his face over what he just did. The Xehanort look is back in full force:

And it makes for quite the contrast with Aqua’s look of shock and disbelief as she gasps:

We get a shot from her POV, showing Ven crumpled on the ground:

And then a close up shot of her reaction to what has happened to Ven that showcases her emotions, her feelings. This moment is framed in terms of her pain and loss and shock, showing that we as the audience are supposed to empathize with her:

We get a closer shot of Ven that fills the frame, and Ven isn’t conscious:

And Aqua has processed everything enough to finally be able to speak:

She calls Ven’s name in a downright panicked manner and leans forward as she does:

JP ヴェン！

EN Ven!

TR Ven!

To be continued...

[sealer-of-wenkamui]

I finished up the research hall today... This time I got blood from Adeline! And I’m glad I saw that post the other day, because you have to get blood from her twice before she mentions how Lady Maria didn’t approve, which is extremely interesting, I had been wondering since when I first met her if they knew each other from before!

I finished her quest a second time too, she’s... I wish she could realize her own worth, that she doesn’t need to have some sort of revelation like that to be important, nor be a blood saint.... the way she emphasizes that she was over and over again..... Adeline you’re loved just the way you are.....Lady Maria certainly thought so as well.....

Living Failures went down in one try of course, they’re the easiest boss of the DLC, especially knowing how to fight them (the main key really is just... knowing you don’t have to rush the fight... and targeting the mages.)

So next was HER... My goal with Lady Maria was a bit different from the other bosses in that I REALLY WANTED TO SEE HER VISCERAL ATTACK.... Because being held close by her and stabbed through the chest is a dream come true~ Well first I took a bunch of screenshots of her (I can never forget my surprise when I first entered her room and saw her dead”....), and saw the blood dripping off her wrist and everything....  Yeah I’m worried about her too.... it seems like way more blood on the floor than is on her clothing....

I also took off my hat so I could see Augustine’s face in the opening scene (I recorded that too of course), then I actually lost in phase 2 the first time, but I uh... probably could have been taking it more seriously and not done things like using my monocular to get a clear view of her stabbing herself....

Oh, and a line like “A corpse should be left well alone”... that seems to have double meaning now, I think she’s talking about Kos as well, given her apparent involvement in what happened at the fishing hamlet.....

In my second try, I got sloppy at the beginning of all things (and she kept shooting at me), then once I got a parry+visceral off, I did it pretty easily a few more times and ended phase 1, phase 2 I dodged around her, staying close, then once I got to phase 3.... it didn’t take long to see the crossed sword attack I had heard about, she hit me once with the flames, then I saw it and stood still, AND THEN SHE DID IT, SHE HELD AUGUSTINE CLOSE AND STABBED HER AND IT WAS VERY NICE...... I was even by a wall so I could see it pretty well!! I somehow survived with a sliver of health left and was able to heal, after which I parried her (she really is easy to parry....), and got a visceral which led to her having only a tiny bit of health left, upon which I quickly finished her off........... Ahhh it really is the most fun fight in the game!

Her chair and table actually survived the fight this time! We were mostly at the other end of the room after all... I picked up Laurence’s skull too, so I’ll fight him next before doing the fishing hamlet, I don’t know what to expect in terms of difficulty, because nothing in NG+ has given me trouble yet.... but I had trouble on his first phase last time (but not the second?)...

OH, I forgot to talk to the doll after Maria, I need to do that!