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Kirishima and Other Women
Among the criticism and complaints of Raise Wa Tanin Ga Ii aka Yakuza Fiance the most common is about how Kirishima "cheats" but what if I were to tell you this aspect of him actually serves an important point within the narrative? Because it does, in fact it serves a few.
First and foremost this is common in the Yakuza subculture. The series is a bit of a send off to Yakuza subculture and media with references that tend to go over your head unless you are into it (most go over mine). This is no different. While this isn't as narratively important it is important to know overall, the series embraces all things Yakuza the good and the bad (unlike some other Yakuza series but that not a rant for here) And like it's implied pretty much all the guys in the series to it to some degree yes even Shoma. I only have some knowledge of this myself so I won't get into it but I would recommend looking into cause it is interesting and makes sense for the series to incorporate on some level due to this and it would feel wrong to not mention it.
Now lets go onto to something more meaty and kinda spoilery, so don't read (though I don't think it will ruin your enjoyment)
So these other women actually help to better understand Kirishima and his relationship/feelings towards Yoshino. One detail the anime leaves out is who these women are and they are women. All college age or older, and all some kind of working professional who has skills or connections Kirishima does not have. Remember Kirishima is not technically Yakuza so he does not have access to resources that actual members of the group have but because he is involved with that world still he has to find a way to make up for what he resources he lacks. The safest resource he has found over the years is women.
Just like how Yoshino unintentionally raises the ire of women, Kirishima does the same to men both intentionally and unintentionally. He has difficulty connecting with people which is a topic in and of itself, but because of this he has learnt how to gain connections on a superficial level so he only does so with those he can feel some control over or feel safer. AKA Women. Kirishima knows he's attractive, and he knows how easy it is to charm people but those had an ongoing connection with are those who understand it's a game and want something back.
It's all quid prop quo, he does something for them and so they in turn do something for him. FYI I'm pretty sure what he's getting out of it isn't psychical pleasure, information, connections and a safe house for sure but actual enjoyment from sex? Not likely again the anime doesn't show it very well but many manga readers have noted how disconnected Kirishima looks during these moments. (Which I will fully get to later) It's an exchange when Yoshino calls him gigolo she's not wrong, and there is a greater discussion to be had here about how early Kirishima started doing this and all the messy stuff that comes with it but because we don't have enough information on how that started I won't get into it. (and its a little off topic)
Overall all though this shows the audience that Kirishima has a kind of warped view of sex and intimacy, he views it as a resource he can use much like his fighting ability, to him it's the same thing. At least at the start.
When Tsubaki tells Kirishima that he is actually very easy to understand when she has Yoshino there to compare, I believe this was a hint the author was giving us. To understand Kirishima and how he really feels about Yoshino who just need to look at how he is with other women.
It is INCREDIBLY telling that the closest thing Kirishima has to an ex-girlfriend is Nao, because notice how that term is never used within the story by the pair as to what their relationship was. Nao calls Ozu an ex but not Kirishima, he's just a guy she had a fling with (with a weird age gap) even though she seems to care more about him than Ozu (another deep dive I'll probably do). Kirishima also never uses the term, he does note that he did like her to some degree more than likely a little more than the other women he has similar situationships with but it was still at its core transactional. They both wanted what the other could offer more than them as a person. (also just fucking for weeks isn't a relationship) Kirishima always keep everyone at a distance, keeps everything close to the vest, makes sure the situation is advantageous to him so he can't get screwed over, every single one. Except Yoshino.
You see it constantly in the series as Kirishima WANTS to connect with Yoshino. He wants to better understand and connect with her in ways he has never bothered to before. In fact you can argue that Kirishima is actually more emotionally unintelligent than Yoshino as he has such difficulty in understanding what Yoshino wants from him. He's so use to being fake, to acting the way women around him want him to be that it throws him through a loop that Yoshino doesn't want that. She forces him to be a person not a persona.
Because of that, like Tsubaki says, he is desperate to understand and connect with her unlike with the women who he is connected to in a superficial way. I know it weirdly upsets some viewers that these women "Know" Kirishima in a way Yoshino hasn't but they don't actually know him Yoshino does. People often conflate love and sex as being the same thing but its not, sometimes it overlaps (and like that should be the standard but its not). This series sort of forces you to confront that assumption, because the real moments of love are in the smaller things.
It's Kirishima helping Yoshino with her garden, its him trying to get her focus on him, its him talking to her about mundane things, its him seeking out the things she wants, its him telling her his birthday, and yes it's him sleeping with other women to keep her safe. A LOT of people don't realize this but it is right there in the text he only reconnected with Nao because it would make the situation in Osaka more advantageous for him to keep Yoshino safe. There is a very good likelihood that if the situation would 100% not get Yoshino involved that Kirishima would have just stayed out of it. (which like damn sucks for you Nao) In actuality Kirishima likely would have preferred just a normal trip to Osaka with Yoshino (even though the chaos does help him confirm his own feelings again) Kirishima wants to desperately to be connected to Yoshino in anyway he can but you don't see that in how he is with other women, and it's in seeing that you can see his authenticity.
For further reference to something I noted earlier look at how Kirishima looks in these scenes with women both during and after sex.
There's little to no actual emotion or care, he operates almost robotically like you see when he fights someone he doesn't really give a shit about. It is something he's doing cause he has to not cause he wants to. Now compare these reactions to how he reacts when he finds out he accidentally/unconsciously felt Yoshino up
It's this flurry of emotions you can't even fully quantify like he can't even fathom he really did that. Kind of a strange reaction to give to someone who has done way more for way longer, but it makes perfect sense if you remember love and sex are different. With these other women he didn't care, sex didn't mean anything they could have been anyone and in all honesty if he could get away with not doing it he'd probably prefer it. But he loves Yoshino so he actually cares, he is actually turned on, he actually feels something.
THAT is the point of the side women. Kirishima is very hard to understand his character is a mystery for a majority of the series (and to a degree still is) these women help to solve that mystery if you take the time to really look at what's happening and not get parasocially angry that he is "betraying" his love for her. In his mind he's not because love and sex are different, sex to him until Yoshino is just a tool, its one of the many things that Yoshino changes in him over the course of the series. Lets not forget that one of his side women actually makes him realize the situation with Yoshino isn't all that great (the scene is better in the manga) cause he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to realize that himself and is a catalyst for the two actually growing closer. Like I keep having to cut myself short cause I'll just go off on how wonderfully complicated and uncomplicated Kirishima is as a character, but this is an important aspect to understand and shouldn't just be written off as "He's a red flag".
These women give us insight into how Kirishima is Pre-Yoshino and shows us how far he's come Post-Yoshino, in a way that could not be done otherwise. So maybe it makes you uncomfy for a bit but it's not bad writing it serves a purpose that could not be done otherwise.
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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giving up on going to bed proper tonight i am Not getting everything i need to do done in forty minutes [adjusted for time it took to write this post. 30 minutes]
#and it took me so long to fall asleep the last two nights i might as well have just stayed up [shrug]#this isnt even representative of what working is going to be like!!!! i didnt know i was going to be working this week!!! until monday!!!!!#the night before!!!!!!!!! i couldnt prepare anything or pre-do any chores!!!!!!!!!!!#<- the job is really genuinely great so far but my position has so little to do w literally anything else in the building that im#super falling thru the cracks about every single thing me and my single coworker arent a squeaky wheel about lol. im a little#irritated about it but whatever <- i didnt have access to anything i needed half my first day even tho they had the whole month#to get the ball rolling on that 😭😭 i still dont have access to some stuff#i may or may not have to work friday. wont know till tomorrow. idk what im doing next week. im taking verbal 'yeah probably'#permission to not come in this weekend bc i dont want to lol#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#anyways. [keyed up] [why its been taking me so long to fall asleep]
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🫂
#i've had many people ask me in the DMs what could be done to help me out given the orange menace is coming back into power#the best things for me right now (I can't speak to others) is this: 1. Keep supporting my creative endeavors#no matter how little I might post or interact. Please hype me up. I need community. I need spirit to survive.#2. Help me find resources that will help myself and others. Food banks. Community meets. Passports. Finances. Mental health etc.#these are important and I don't want others feeling like sitting ducks. Even though I'm scared I want to be a solution to the problem.#I am going to be a helper in this mess cause that's who I am and I need ammo in this capacity#3. Donate so I can up my ration storage. I've been collecting food water and nonperishables and I'm trying to stock up on medication#and other basic necessities. I'm collecting as if I'm preparing to be homeless again and if I am over capacity I'm giving rations to others#I've had to make peace with the fact I can't run away. I can't move to another country as I'm broke and poor like the rest of my loved ones#4. If you have friends who are disabled or a minority or lgbtq etc. do what you can to protect them and show them that you love them#and build community#5. Share my work and that of others. Who knows if we're gonna have sites like AO3 in the future or even access to tumblr.#this is all I can think of at the moment and again I can't speak for others this is what comes to mind for myself#And I admit I'm coming from a place of the worst case scenarios#because in my mind if I imagine I'm dead or homeless etc. and work my way backward to the next worst thing before that it unravels my fear#and it gives me back my power in the situation by sitting with those fears and giving them time to speak#because in my mind if I'm already dead if I'm already homeless or at war etc. etc. then its already happened and what else is there to fear#if I've been through everything already in mind?#I'm hoping that the worst case scenarios don't transpire but I can't ignore the fact many of them could and probably will happen#in some capacity but I can control the actions I take through prep and facing these fears one by one#and most importantly sticking to routine by making sure im healthy to help people#anyway this is why ive been quiet for a while besides for spending time with friends and loved ones recently to get over what happened#im going to keep going to my classes keep helping people through my jobs try to be creative when I have spoons and little by little#make sure I have enough of what I need to get through the storm and outlive the bastards in power#I'm not sure what sort of pink variant to assign this to but its along the magenta spectrum#love you guys#we'll get through this
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jfc I accidentally ordered my shoe size in men's sizing because I was looking between two tabs and forgot to click the button to change to women's sizing on the website.
Why the fuck can I not just submit my receipt for a reimbursement instead of having to use their stipend online? Or just add the stipend to my paycheck.
This continues my grudge against online shopping.
#now im gonna have to go to the ups store tomorrow after work#and god knows how long it will take for the refund to process#i was also lazy and used paypal instead of digging around for my credit card so i cant even just do a quick exchange#would have been nice to put that in bold letters before i completed the order 🙃#this may or may not be a side effect of the new meds though#either that or my urge to start being able to actually do my job on my own so i can establish somewhat of a routine#which hasnt happened yet because i still do not have access to the rooms i need access to#in related news look out in about 2ish weeks for another blog post about how much i hate work because its been 2 weeks since NEETdom ended#and i have opinions but will let it stew a bit more so i can actually get a routine going and observe my energy levels some more#will say however that i am a bit annoyed that the moment i can get back on ssris i have to go back to working#i wanted to do more creative stuff when the depression lifted a bit but i am still trying to time and energy manage from working again#the timing was frustratingly lined up in that way#and it feels like some higher force is against me both pursuing creativity and being able to live semi-functionally
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broke one of my filters last night due to Stupid, but i think i salvaged most of the media worth saving, got them all clean, the fish were Eating Actively last night, and i added meds
#toy txt post#90gal#one of my little ecco pros which seem to be? impossible to replace now for some reason? coild not find them for sale in usa. idk. its just#handle and canister part tho so maybe thatll be easier?#idk. dad said ti check at work (pet store) but they never have ANY eheim shit and while i agree with that in regards to. the Media. i#prefer their filters and i despise fluval. idk. maybe ill just get another Big Eheim and mourn the loss of my little one#and figure out how to attach a little bucket handle to the big eheim for carrying 😭 cos that part is soo nice#anyway. i have to add another dose of the meds on monday and then do a 25% change on Wednesday. i have Wednesday off at least#and then run a filter w carbon on Wednesday#(the meds i added were api general cure (metronidazole and praziquantel(sp?)) bc my current Wild Guess about the white cories is maybe they#have fucking?? gill flukes??? if not then i have no idea. imagine if fish vets were like. a normal and accessible thing. even just to be#able to contact. wouldnt that be neat. i saw an article say 'talk to your fish vet about this' bitch WHERE. you want me to drive to neaq#and ask them to take a look at my fucking cory cats???????????? wild#anyway. i need to. Get Ready For Work and Leave now
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I crave validation so strongly. I wish I could help everyone in the world and yet I am unable to help myself.
#this website is constantly telling me that trying to help myself with mental health is some sort of bougie indulgance and insulting to gaza#and it's a quick jump from there to thinking the same about trying to access transition#and from there it's my life is meaningless and my suicide would be celebrated if i put the right post on twitter before#tw suicide#i feel like the obvious thing to do is quit tumblr and stop encountering these messages- but i have nowhere else i feel#i can talk about the ugliest parts of myself#and recently i put an artwork on instagram that i worked on for 15 months and it got 7 likes and i'm fucking destroyed by that#i genuinely can't tell you how upset#but i know that's not healthy- i should be able to like and feel proud of my work no matter how many people press a thing#or see it in the first place- we all know its algorithm that does it#i never want to become someone who moans about algorithms and guilts for likes and yet here we are#leaving instagram would seem the obvious solution but i need that validation so badly#i don't even want to make art my job ever! i'll be doing it no matter what i just want people to like it and like me#to think i am someone worthwhile#i don't understand why i'm like this i have no good reasons i have never lacked for love in my life#and yet i can't feel it#i hate myself
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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On today's agenda: Preparing for a long commute and class without a break tonight while my back is already causing me 7/10 pain.
#'preparing' looks like: making sure i have a painkiller that actually works. + anything else i need like a menthol patch.#- have to put that on before i leave. it will gradually lose its effectiveness.#making sure i have a meal before i leave because it'll be hours before i can eat again#and i don't want to be taking a painkiller on an empty stomach.#making sure i'm also packing another meal because my prof is screening a 1.5 hour movie today#so i won't be able to get up and walk around. also no money to buy food.#gotta bring enough water too. so all of this is an added weight that will hurt my back even more.#maybe not bringing my laptop? but then i'll only have my phone to give me access to the reading and some of my notes.#gotta make sure i get there early enough for my phone to connect to the internet. it always takes a long time.#aaaaand i should bring some caffeinated beverage so the painkiller + patch don't put me to sleep.#i do not want to leave my house today hahaha. too fucking much to do and my back hurts so bad.
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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16 year olds are still growing, they wont fit into whatever they wore in 2020. You cant be sustainable that way when you grow out of your clothes regularly. Thats only something adults can do.
Cool you've been wearing your boots for 6 years, 6 years ago they were ten and probably multiple shoe sizes smaller. I remember a stage of needing to buy new shoes every few months during a growth spurt. You're really not being fair to teens here.
And just steal clothes? Not everyone can get away with that, not everyone can safely risk that. Dont tell kids to endanger themselves.
You have some good points. Build community, root out nazis, figure out who you are really not who youre expected to be. (Hint: try new things and pay attention to how you feel emotionally = how your body feels. Tension? Pain? Lightness? Excitement? Want to laugh or cry? Use that to guide you. Build community = talk to people, learn to compromise. Weed out nazis is difficult to explain standing on one foot)
"I dont like that you buy clothes or where from" just isnt helpful.
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This poll is an accident I cant work out how to get rid of now. Uh
Bring back posers as a term please I'm begging if ONE MORE GODDAMN 16 YEAR OLD ASKS WHERE I BOUGHT MY CLOTHES I'M GONNA LOSE. MY FUCKING. MIND.
I HAVEN'T PAID FOR SHIT SINCE 2020 BITCH THESE SPIKES ARE THE BROKEN OFF TINES OF A FORK THE THREAD IS DENTAL FLOSS FROM A PAIR OF JEANS I TOOK APART TO USE THE DENIM TO MAKE PATCHES YEAH NO SHIT I SMELL LIKE SILVER SPRAY PAINT. I'VE HAD THE SAME PAIR OF COMBAT BOOTS FOR SIX FUCKIN YEARS NOW. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LAYERS OF PAINT AND NAIL POLISH ARE ON THEM. MY WHEELCHAIR GLOVES ARE MORE THREAD THAN LEATHER ATP BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK. THEY'RE STILL FUNCTIONAL.
"but all I can afford is clothes from SheIn and Amazon and I wanna have the punk style"
BITCH STEAL THE CLOTHES. GO TO GOODWILL. YOU KNOW WHAT WE CALL HAVING THE "STYLE" IS BUT NOT THE MINDSET???
A FUCKING POSER
And no I'm not gatekeeping. Anyone anywhere can be punk. BUT BUYING A PRE-PATCHED DENIM JACKET ON AMAZON DOES NOT A PUNK MAKE. BURN YOUR OWN CD'S, PIRATE MOVIES, GO TO PROTESTS, MAKE POSITIVE CHANGE, FORM COMMUNITY IN SOLIDARITY AGAINST OPPRESSIVE SYSTEMS. KILL THE NAZIS INFECTING PUNK COMMUNITIES LIKE A ROTTING BRANCH GETS CUT FROM THE TREE
WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING RAGE??? WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING WEIRDNESS??? WHERE'S YOUR REFUSAL TO FIT INTO THE MAIN STREAM???? WHERE'S YOUR OBSESSION WITH A SKA PUNK BAND FROM THE EARLY 2000'S?!
I saw a TikTok of a person who said they were punk but then proceeded to go on a tirade about not liking the bus because gross homeless people ride the bus
HOW DOES THE BOOT TASTE MOTHERFUCKER
#all the clothes i can afford is from shein#i can't go thrifting for multiples reasons of disability#stealing assumes i can find my size in a brick and mortsr store thats also accessible AND that I can be subtle enough to not get caught#in my wheelchair#that attracts attention#i also repair whatever I can and also thats work and its time and its energy and its pain#yeah someone grossed out by homeless people needs to do some introspection#im just done with being told im an awful person for buying from shein you think its my first or even tenth choice??#putting aside the tonnes and tonnes of fast fashion dumped in landfill without even seeing a store#and how most of pollution and shit is mega wealthy people#and some of us arent a size 6 who can wear literally anything they find anywhere#and have it be fashionable bc youre skinny#its such a shallow thing to judge people on. you think anything is actually ethical? really truly? everyones being screwed over#ok thats enough from me rn#tags#fast fashion#shein#and i know op is venting but also i think my response is relevant and not a well actually#ok im calling this post done now
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#delete later#its always fascinating when i get distressed eniugh for my brain to switch off all wants and cares#like i know i care bc i am anxious. but 90% of my emotional capacity is currently non accessible and i am running on pure autopilot#its also nice to see that my autopilot has responded to the amount of work i put into it. it includes physio exercises and meals#and some self care. turns out hsving a crisis plan embedded into your brain is a good thing#sure im the most suicidal ive been in a long time but im also the most functional ive ever been and i have things to do#so everything else can wait until i have the enrgy to sort through it#ive been setting things up for more viewings and pestering ppl for things i need and taking care of ny piercing#as the stress has caused a lot of irritation and swelling so it needs extra care. i even showered today.#go me. its wild what some mental stability does. when it gives way im gonna have an interesting couple weeks but shit will be externally#more stable then so the usual things will help#it is making personal relationships more difficult though. the poor person ive been talking seriously to is flirting and i am#currently not able to access any form of romantic interest or care. previously i would have ghosted but im trying to be better#ny new friend is also getting less than i should be giving her. but i send her cute fox pictures abd that helps.#we shall see how it goes. im lying down a lot and that is helpful. my brain being like this requires a LOT of energy and i cant sleep#so its all a lot. but ill be fine#im very good at being fine with all of this. ahd much better about coming out the other side safely
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I love HRT but I really do wish it wasn't so much harder to cry now
If anyone has. Idk anything. Cute animals, stories, characters or interests they want to talk about, please. I need to stop thinking about my life for a bit
#situation is just so. fucked#if I cant get my chronic fatigue diagnosed within a year I lose access to my meds#including HRT which has let me transition and also prevented me from starving due to a severe eating disorder#and my antidepressants which have kept me from yknow. fucking dying intentionally#so I have. a year left where I guarentee unless some horrible accident happens I WILL continue living#but if I cant get my chronic fatigue diagnosed I dont know how long I can survive after that#nvm the yknow. withdrawals(which I dont want) and detransitioning(which I DONT WANT). which even if I do survive will have consequences#and on top of all of that we're currently trying to move. and I'm trying to pack shit up with chronic fatigue. which is not easy#and I still have hypermetabolism so I'm so hungry all the time but we cant afford enough for me to not be hungry#so I just eat as much bread as I can because even if it doesn't help the reason I have hypermetabolism at least its filling#so even if it doesnt help me actually repair the damage my ED did I dont have to deal with hunger pains#i want to go on a walk but I feel 2 seconds away from passing out but I cant go tobed because I'm panicking and have hunger pains and#i need a break. please. i need to be able to agford tonot die. I want to not have chronic fatigue I want to work a job and live and go-#-outside and have energy for hobbies and be abke to see people and be able to afford the meds that are keeping me alive#I managed to cry a bit. 2 tears exactly. its not enough but its something at least
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hope my dr gets back to me abt the change to private service I messaged her last night saying it Should be okay and asking for info abt fees n any changes.. so painful communication is now gonna cost £360 per hour/£6 per min 😬🤕
#my roomie works at a law firm and is always talking abt the insane charges some of the solicitors have per hour#and this is like. even worse than that 😭#ahhh... but the thing is elvanse DOES work for me i dont wanna quit it i just need to figure out how to manage the crash#whether its like. a lifestyle change or a second med. and i dont necessarily need to take it every single day#maybe introducing med breaks a day or two a week when i dont NEED focus would work#being unmedicated was fine. but it would suck now ik meds can help to then lose access to that#ill take today off the booster then thurs and fri ill halve it bc i think the full dose is a little high n thats why it bleeds into sleep#dont have to write my next symptom report til sunday so i have some time to test it#i wish 10mg vyvanse was available in this country like taking that w lunch might be better than the dex#well maybe i could try halving one of the 20s i still have n do that saturday#figuring this shit out!!!!#meds arent perfect anyway theyre not a cure-all for my adhd. there are some things im gonna have to work thru on top of that#but its like. they resolve the lowest couple tiers on the hierarchy of adhd symptoms for me. which is a massive jump#n its just 4 more weeks of trialling it that i have to pay for. and so long as my gp accepts shared care ill have indefinite access#and for MUCH much cheaper. the only risk is shortages but lets not consider that rn 😭#okay not thinking abt this anymore i gotta clock in.... see u on the other side homosexuals in my phone#.diaries
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god im not starting shit on the post but "medical and pharmaceutical companies thank you for your long term patronage" really does not work as a thing to shame anti maskers. this is not a system i get to opt out of even by masking. unfortunately, i really dont think masking is pwning the predatorily priced healthcare system in the usa. especially considering how many of the ppl who are still doing it are unfortunately beholden to it anyway for some other fucking reason. fuck, even if i didnt have medications i take everyday anyway, the company i buy n95s from is a fucking medical /surgical supply company? its such a weird. just. no.
#toy txt post#vague#the quality of your memes is all over the map#pwning the healthcare system by refusing to get treated bc its expensive and the mask is only one layer of protection#i know its 'not that deep' its 'just a meme' but i Do Not Like the implications of that particular meme. eugh#if the government stepped up and made all that healthcare for covid complications free and ended for profit healthcare#we should still mask#i just#the idea that you can opt out of 'long term patronage' of medical and pharmaceutical companies as a choice is so fucking flawed#thats kind of the entire problem with the for profit system isnt it. cos you cant fucking opt out of it. you can take measures to avoid#getting sick but it wont always work and we need to have a collective approach to public health. not this weird individualistic shit.#even if you are masking. if youre not getting sick you are getting lucky to some degree. the mask is INCREASING YOUR PROTECTION#but it is not surefire and none of us should be acting this fucking. SMARMY about it. jesus.#idk i think its like this weird. youre not better than other ppl for Not Getting Sick? getting covid is not a divine punishment for the sin#of not masking. just blegh#reblogs off to hopefully avoid Starting Shit#but like even if you dont mask. i wish you would but i hope you get lucky. i hope you get lucky and dont get sick for your sake and all#those around you. genuinely. but i wish youd mask. if we all masked and vaccinated we could end this shit so much sooner. if we get#legislation and infrastructure improvements and funding we could end this sooner. imagine if we got infrastructure improvements that made#flu season disappear as a concept. imagine if we cut down on respiratory illness spread the way we did with fucking cholera after we#improved access to water sanitation#WE COULD HAVE A BETTER WORLD. STOP BEING PETTY ABOUT SHIT
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I need to buckle down and figure out what my personal understanding of Ceirt/Cert is.
it's fascinating how it seems to have these two diametrically opposing possible meanings (not unlike nGétal), one being tied to coir and right judgment and kingship, which actually fits apple extremely well folklorically, and one connected to madness, misfortune, sacrifice, and illness, which fit both potential etymologies of either Rag or Bush.
it seemed clear to me in the past that the secondary meaning had to be original, especially given my/the bias against the crannogham, but it's still very frustratingly simple that the current Modern Irish meaning is Rightness.
perhaps the meaning of the word shifted to match the evolving understanding of the fid, given the medieval love for the arboreal and more recentness of the Immrama? of course that's a reach but ...
#idk the esoteric implications work#but which is a primary meaning and which is occult#i need to just meditate with it more but it is so ellusive#some fid are right there - on the tip of my tongue and immediately come into focus#Ceirt and Muin and Ailm and Edad remain very difficult to access and understand#id like to understand them better as i pull all of those quite often#in my UPG i believe it *is* important what Irish christians have practiced for the last thousand years#i believe traditions become powerful with tine#its an ancestral link#and i think its digging a need path through the fabric of magic and ritual#i wouldnt ever prescribe anything#but i do think what the collective decides to maintain or evolve or even devolve IS important to ongoing practice#whether you choose to incorporate it or not#im just going to read my book on wells i got and do some more meditstion with Ceirt#bc i think ive exhausted the research#the ONE possible tenative thread ive only half figured out that ties the two concepts together#comes from Immram Bran and how he was offered the apple branch#it was both a symbol of kingship (cormac's cup) and sovereignty in some respects#but also a token of rite of passage to the Otherworld#i feel this connects to the rags being left as a symbol of both the self and the illness#but i havent bridged the gap completely
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