#i have so so so many thoughts about the kids post-premature death arc
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fumifooms · 6 months ago
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I think you made me start shipping Marchil
Your posts got me thinking about their dynamic then I wrote a fic that was supposed to be platonic but midway through I realized it could actually be interpreted as romantic too and now I'm just sad about how little time they'll have together
First of all, you have a lovely icon, second, I’m so honored… I finally read Not a bad way to go and it was soo so good like. My god!!! Pre-canon is underused and you did so many interesting things with it.
It sounded like a cruel joke, that the one who needed her concern the most was also the one least interested in it.
^^^ go read it go read it
Chilchuck was drunk enough that he needed to hold onto the walls not to fall, but apparently still sober enough to remember emotional vulnerability was his worst enemy, as he made sure to avert her eyes and said: “Namari made me come talk to you ” to make it clear he wasn't being nice voluntarily.
Yeah.
“Of course I'm scared of dying.” He scoffed. Did she really think so little of him? “But if I could choose, I would want to die doing something I love, like drinking. Or maybe fucking,”
Maybe you wish you didn’t know but my new favorite HC because of this is that Chil dies yes prematurely not of liver failure though but during coitus. Especially if marchil, the thought of him busting a nut and his heart giving out makes me laugh so hard. My god. Lmao. Oh god. Lmfao. Worst day of her life
Marcille knew Chilchuck wasn't a kid, but she often struggled to take him seriously as an adult because he was just so adorable and small. In this moment, however, she saw them exactly for what they were, even if it was just a glimpse. A sheltered, naive little girl trying to tell a tired, much more experienced man how to live the rest of his life.
Standing ovation
She tried to find an explanation to give him, but she couldn't even find one for herself. Why would she miss him? He was just Chilchuck, her coworker, Chilchuck who was cold, aloof, sometimes crass, evasive, and even outright mean. He who was level headed, reliable, trustworthy, perceptive and clever. He who had the least time left, even in a best case scenario. “I guess that despite your best efforts, there's still a lot to like about you.”
This fic goes so hard, standing ovation pt 2
“I just think it's better if we don't get too close. Don't you agree?” “I… maybe” she said, uncertain as he didn't know how to feel about that. Caring about people would only hurt her in the wrong run, she knew that, but unfortunately she couldn't help it.
I looove how they can be read to be similar on this aspect. My hand clenching around my phone as I rear up to rant about Marcille and the way she does keep people at an arm’s length subconsciously again my god my goood. Obsessed with this obsessed with this, underused for marchil. Terrified of loss through death vs rejection duo I love youuu
Brilliant ending I’m in shambles. I’m not gonna spoil it
You get marchil so much you truly do. The way they mesh, the way their views on mortality clash and both soothe & bruise… He doesn’t have much time left even in best case scenario (which Mr I won’t eat well I’ll drink and smoke a lot I’ll stress all day every day is determined to not make happen) which makes it all the more meaningful for Marcille’s arc when she learns from him to finally enjoy the present moments… It’ll only be a fraction of her life, but to him he’s giving her the rest of his life. What are some decades of love worth? Worth it, surely, if nothing else
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zukkaoru · 3 years ago
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okay okay okay i know this isn't jjk but hear me out: ♔: finding the other wearing their clothes + nendou / hairo
OR
the same prompt but with platonic nanami & gojo *side eye emoji*
hello corey my beloved🥰💖 i went with nanami & gojo bc i. have feelings. this takes place a few months after ch78 and also features nanami with tourette's, since this was written for you <3
warnings: referenced canonical character death word count: 1400
--
Everything is quiet and dark when Satoru returns to campus.
The mission in and of itself hadn’t been hard, but he’s still a little uneasy with long distance teleportation, especially after missions, so he’d had to wait on a train to take him back to campus.
But even if he hadn’t returned so late, the school still would have felt too quiet and empty. The entire world feels like someone scooped a chunk out, and now Satoru just has to learn to live life avoiding the blank space. The void where Suguru and Haibara used to reside.
Everyone claims it will get easier, but Satoru isn’t sure. It’s been months, and all that’s changed are the seasons. From the tail end of summer - the warmth of the last days before Haibara’s death - into a chilled autumn that took Suguru along with the wildlife, and finally, winter wind and snow covered over all that was left behind.
But now that the snow has melted, the entire world simply looks dead.
Frozen grass crunches beneath Satoru’s feet as he trudges back to the dorm building, hands buried deep in his pockets and shoulders hunched in an attempt to preserve his body heat. His face is half-numb and his only saving grace is that Infinity protects him from the wind.
He’d texted Yaga and Shoko as soon as he’d gotten back to campus, so as soon as he’s inside, he heads directly for his room so he can change and then pass out for the next twelve hours. Yaga will be pissed if he sleeps in that late, but he also won’t actually do anything.
And sleep sounds so nice. Satoru used to never get enough sleep, but recently, he’s found that sleep is actually the best use of his time. The more he sleeps, the less he has to deal with being awake and dealing with reality. When Satoru is asleep, anything is possible. He can exist in a world where Suguru stayed and Haibara survived and happiness is still feasible.
Truthfully, Satoru could probably just lie down here in the hallway, close his eyes, and drift off. He cannot wait to get out of his uniform, put on something comfortable, and crash.
His plans are interrupted, though, when he hears the TV playing.
He stops in his tracks. It’s not quite midnight, so it’s not at all unlikely that Shoko is still awake, even if she hasn’t responded to Satoru’s text yet.
Satoru follows the sound of the TV.
He’s expecting to see Shoko sprawled out across the couch, probably either smoking or drinking, maybe with a bowl of popcorn. Instead, he finds Nanami curled up on one side of the couch, like he’s trying to take up as little space as possible - like he’s used to sharing with someone else. There’s a blanket half-covering him, like it slid part way off, revealing that he’s wearing a weirdly familiar hoodie. His hair is covering his eyes even more than usual, and Satoru is going to assume he’s asleep, because if not, he probably would have sensed Satoru walking in on him.
My Neighbor Totoro is playing on the TV, which Satoru only recognizes because Haibara made them all watch it last year after discovering that he and Suguru were the only two who had seen it.
Satoru…doesn’t know what to do. Should he just leave and pretend he never saw Nanami here? Should he wake Nanami so he can go sleep in his room? Does Nanami even want to sleep in his room? God knows there have been many nights that Satoru has wanted to sleep anywhere besides his own room.
In the end, Satoru doesn’t have to make a decision, because Nanami stirs and mumbles something under his breath.
Satoru freezes, holding his breath.
Nanami lifts his head slowly and looks around until his gaze lands on Satoru. He already has a half-awake peeved expression on his face, but as soon as he spots Satoru, his frown deepens and he rolls his eyes. He drops his head back onto the couch. “Are you spying on me?”
“I just got back from my mission and heard the TV. I thought it was Shoko.”
“Well.” Nanami clicks his tongue. “Sorry to disappoint.” He makes a brrr sound as Satoru plops down on the other end of the couch.
“Watching Totoro?”
Nanami tenses.
Satoru puts his hands up in defense. “I’m not judging! It’s a good movie.” Haibara’s favorite, he wants to add, but he doesn’t. Names hold power and it’s best not to use ones that belong to those who are gone. It’s best if you can place the people who have left in their own compartment in your mind, lock them in that box, and lose the key.
Nanami sighs. He sits up, and the movement causes the blanket to fall to the floor. Nanami stares down at it for several moments, and Satoru stares at the hoodie Nanami is wearing. He understands why it looks so familiar now.
“Are you wearing my hoodie?”
“Huh?” Nanami asks, not looking away from the blanket.
“The hoodie you’re wearing. That’s mine.”
Nanami blinks slowly. He rolls his shoulder. He looks at the hoodie he’s wearing, and then over at Gojo. “You left it in my room.”
“I did?” Satoru doesn’t remember that. It’s the hoodie he bought the first time he, Suguru, and Shoko all went shopping together. He’d gone back and forth on whether or not he actually wanted it for a while until Shoko finally told him that he’d better buy something before they left because they came to shop and Satoru had not actually done any shopping yet because he had yet to buy anything.
Nanami hums. “When you came into my room,” he whistles, “to bo-bother me last week, and then complained about it being too hot? You took your hoodie off and left - left, left - it.” He shrugs. “Finders keepers.”
Satoru stares at Nanami for several long moments and Nanami twitches under his gaze. Then, Satoru breaks into a smile. He launches himself across the couch and half-hug, half-tackles Nanami. “You know, you were the only one who hadn’t stolen one of my shirts or sweatshirts at some point. Now you’re really part of the family.”
Suguru stole Satoru’s clothes all the time. Haibara borrowed his t-shirts on multiple occasions. And Shoko likes wearing his hoodies when it’s cold because they’re too big for her. Nanami rolled his eyes at all the clothes sharing, but now, he’s joined in.
“Get off of me!”
“Fine, fine,” Satoru sits up, still grinning widely at Nanami. Nanami looks away, but Satoru can still see the pink dusting his cheeks, so he’ll claim that he won this time.
He leans back against the couch. “Gonna finish watching the movie?”
Nanami chews on his lip, staring at the screen. Well, he seems to be more staring through the screen; Satoru isn’t sure he’s actually comprehending anything that’s happening in the movie right now.
Finally, he says, “Probably. Yeah.” There’s a beat of silence, and then, “Do you want to stay and watch with me?”
Satoru could absolutely be obnoxious about this, but he won’t. Nanami would probably just leave if he did that anyways. So he reigns himself in and responds with a simple, “Sure!”
“Don’t make me regret it.”
Satoru gasps in mock offense. “I would never!”
Nanami glares at him, and Satoru answers with an innocent smile. But their gazes linger half a second too long, and Nanami’s expression softens. In the split second before he turns away, Satoru can see there is something broken in Nanami.
There is something broken in both of them - something that cannot be fixed. Something that was lost when the world caved in and took Haibara and Suguru with it. Something that could only be found in a silver urn holding the ashes of a seventeen-year-old boy or the massacred bodies strewn through a village hardly big enough to be put on a map..
What is broken cannot be mended. What was left behind will forever be missing the pieces that made it whole.
But they can find small moments of peace, even as everything continues to crumble around them. They can wear each other’s hoodies and watch movies with impossible happy endings and pretend, just for a moment, that tragedy is not an inevitability.
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irandrura · 4 years ago
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Now, just for fun, I’m going to list everyone I recruited and give some brief thoughts on each one. If I spend more time on a person, it’s because I found them more interesting, or did more supports, or the like.
I did go a bit overboard recruiting people, but I feel validated by that decision considering the number of people I might have had to kill otherwise. As it is I only had to kill two people I didn’t want to – Lorenz and Caspar; Linhardt also appeared but I was able to avoid him – and while I’m sad, especially since I should have gotten Caspar for the paralogue with Mercedes and the Death Knight, it could have been a lot worse.
I will, however, skip the four DLC kids, since apparently you need to start their supports in White Clouds, I missed them, and didn’t feel like going back. So I don’t have the content there.
Here we go:
Byleth: I covered some of my thoughts on him in the post on Jeralt. I wouldn’t say that I dislike Byleth as such, but because Byleth has no dialogue and has few definite character traits beyond “doesn’t show emotion much” and maybe “likes being a teacher”, there isn’t much to work with. I suppose I find Byleth a serviceable enough player avatar protagonist, but if I were writing fan fiction or anything, I think I would need to work hard to develop a memorable personality for Byleth. As it is, Byleth only works because you imagine yourself in his or her shoes.
Sothis: I was originally quite worried about Sothis, since I thought she might be too sexualised. Fire Emblem has a bit of a tradition of uncomfortable loli characters, but fortunately in the game itself Sothis was not that bad, and definitely walks back the creepiness level from someone like Nowi. Instead it felt a bit more like Byleth was playing the same role as Micaiah, with a child-like fragment of the goddess accompanying him. I suspect other routes do more with Sothis, though, because on this route, you could probably cut Sothis from the game entirely without losing much. Azure Moon seems to be the route that is least interested in the history of the goddess, so I should not judge too prematurely.
Dimitri: The hero of this route, even if he sometimes feels like an anti-hero, or even just a psychotic maniac we unfortunately have to deal with. Of the three house leaders, I think it’s fair to say that Dimitri looks the most like a traditional FE protagonist, but as it shakes out, he might be one of the least. He seems to be quite straitlaced, reliable, and even bland at the start, but a lot of that turns out to be a cover and he goes on a real emotional journey, I suspect to a much greater extent than the other two. I do think his emotional arc goes a bit too fast and the game should have spent more time on it, but it was still a good idea, and I genuinely appreciate just how messed up and traumatised Dimitri is. He has issues, he suffers, he runs off into the wilderness and talks to ghosts, but I like it. I feel like he validates the idea that it’s okay to not have everything together. For him, overcoming his demons was the real triumph, and defeating the Empire was just a coda.
Dedue: He reminds me quite a bit of the Tellius games, with their overall subtheme of selfless service and lord/vassal relationships. Like Dimitri, he has issues, but because he’s such a quiet and reserved person, it can be easy to miss them. I suspect he’s a very easy character to misinterpret as well, both IC and OOC, where the temptation for Westerners to interpret him in terms of contemporary racial politics is going to cause problems. But ultimately I quite liked him, and felt that his faithful service really ennobles the person he serves. My one concern or regret around Dedue is that he isn’t present during the period of Dimitri’s madness, so we never get to see how his dedication to his lord might be tested. Would he enable or even encourage Dimitri’s instability? On the other hand, it seems like the belief that Dedue was dead was a major contributor to Dimitri’s madness in the first place, so perhaps if he’d been around, he would have held his friend back from the brink.
Felix: I like that Felix never stops entirely being an asshole. As time goes by his abrasiveness seems less important, and you get a better understanding of why he feels the way he does, but he’s still a bit of a jerk even to the very end, and that’s part of who he is. I also appreciate that he plays a useful role in being the only Blue Lion who actively dislikes knights and chivalry, so he’s important for the way he can provoke the others into justifying themselves. After all, the Blue Lions are a bit of a knight fan club, and he provides some contrast. Nonetheless, for all his scowling, he is a faithful retainer and can be relied on.
Ashe: He’s just a sweetheart, really. A commoner background contrasts nicely with the others, his lockpicking skill is useful, and he’s just generally very genuine and kind. Plus his appearance and voice-acting sell that he’s a bit younger than the others and on the callow side. I feel like he’s one of the characters who grows most in overall maturity, and his journey towards knighthood is probably the longest. He was a character I relied on a lot and I never got tired of him taking down the boss with a single arrow from halfway across the map. In my playthrough he ended up together with Petra and I am sure the knightly order they create will go on to be fantastic.
Sylvain: I’m a little confused by Sylvain. Early on it seems like he irrepressibly flirts with every girl he sees and always gets dumped, but later on, in part two, he clarifies that girls constantly flirt with him because they want to marry into a bloodline with a crest. It seems like it can’t be both ways? I suppose the best reading might be that Sylvain constantly flirts with strangers, who don’t know his heritage or his crest, while rejecting advances from people who do know about them, because what he really wants is someone who loves him as a person, not as a mere opportunity to increase in social status. For someone who seems so cheery and laid-back on the outside, he actually has some real problems beneath it all. That said, at times I was a bit suspicious of the translation: there are a few opportunities to call him a jerk, and I wonder if those were added, since otherwise his flirting seems like it’s presented as harmless, fun, or even a charming character quirk.
Mercedes: I didn’t think a whole lot of Mercedes at first: the caring healer character appears in a lot of FE games, she didn’t seem to put much of a twist on it, and I found her voice acting a little stilted at first. I suppose, to be fair, a soon-to-be-ordained friend of mine has a similar cadence, so it’s possible, but it did throw me off a little. For the most part I found Mercedes very reliable and my primary healer/mage, but I think a more full judgement of her character will need to wait until I do her paralogue with Caspar. Her family background and relationship with the Death Knight seem key to understanding her.
Annette: The translators and voice actor were clearly having fun with her dorky improvised songs, and I love them. They’re great. That said, Annette didn’t really come alive for me as a character until she got to interact with Gilbert. He’s probably a more interesting character than she is, really, but their relationship is what makes them both start to stand out. Overall I find her likeable and reliable, but, Gilbert aside, not one of the most fascinating characters on the roster.
Ingrid: Again, a quite straightforward character in many ways. She wants to be a knight. She trains hard. She becomes a knight. Okay. I did find it a bit odd that even at the end of the game she still talks about wanting to be a knight, even though she’s spent the last few missions entirely in the Falcon Knight and Holy Knight classes, has battled across the continent at the side of her liege, and has defeated countless enemy champions. Eventually I wanted to ask her, “What more could you possibly need to do before you’re a knight?” There is some drama around marriage and social expectations for her as well, and it surprised me that it took her so long to figure out that she could be a knight and serve her family. Her family don’t want a political alliance through marriage or anything: it is specifically money and resources that they need. Knighthood seems like a career that can bring you great wealth – plunder, ransoms, tournament rewards, etc. – so it seems like knighthood, no less than marriage to a wealthy noble after a crest, could be a path to restoring her family’s fortunes. (Also, she was the one I S-supported, so I suppose the marriage plan worked out anyway. *shrug*)
Ferdinand: Everything about him is laser-focused on this question of, “What is nobility?” At times it got a bit tedious, and I wanted him to just shut up about being a noble for five minutes. However, while he laid it on a bit thick sometimes, what I like about him is the way that his character development seems like it could really change based on which route he ends up in. After Edelgard declares war and dispossesses his father, he has a really interesting choice to make: take up arms against her and join the resistance, or accept her offer of rank and power in the Empire. Since I recruited him at the very last minute, in the last month before the assault on the monastery, I might have imagined him struggling with that choice, and I like to picture him debating the importance of visible rank and status to the nobility that he tries so hard to achieve. I could easily imagine him going either way on that choice, believing in Edelgard’s vision or passionately warring against it, and that to me made him much more interesting.
Bernadetta: Her voice actor was clearly having a ton of fun. The energy she brought to the role made the character very entertaining to listen to. That said, I feel bad for her: her extreme social anxiety is sometimes played for laughs, but knowing that it’s the result of an abusive childhood makes it quite a bit less funny. Oddly my favourite support with her was Bernadetta/Sylvain, mainly because of the supports that I saw, he was the only one who made a serious attempt to respect her boundaries and to communicate with her in a way she would find comfortable. Seriously, writing her a letter and tucking it into a book was quite clever and sensitive of him... even if he ruined it by just walking up afterwards and saying hello.
Dorothea: Judging from the online stats the game showed on loading screens, Dorothea must be one of the most popular characters in the game, and was deployed almost every mission. This makes it a bit awkward that I never really deployed her at all, or focused much on her. I don’t have anything against her, and she seems interesting enough, but I suppose I already had enough mages and other people were higher priority. Oh dear. Maybe next time. She seems to be a popular choice for the dancer class, but since I made Marianne my dancer…
Petra: On the other hand, I did like Petra a lot, built her as an assassin, and got a lot of use from her. I wonder what her odd speech pattern is in Japanese? Looks like in Japanese she misunderstands idioms, rather than misuses the present continuous tense. At any rate, I really like the role Petra plays in worldbuilding, since her status as an outsider taken to the empire to be educated as a hostage serves to characterise both Brigid and the empire itself. Like Ferdinand, I also think she’s in a fascinating position where she could plausibly end up either pro- or anti-empire. I enjoyed being able to fight for freedom and self-determination, but I could also see her buying into Edelgard’s vision of a reformed empire. That sort of flexibility seems really valuable in a game with different routes like this.
Raphael: Unfortunately another character I recruited only at the last minute and didn’t get to spend that much time with. The fact that I avoided brawlers probably didn’t help. However, from what I did see, I liked that they included a character who genuinely struggles with his studies, and I also thought it interesting that he presents yet another character who wants to be a knight, but for a totally different reason. Ashe has a romantic view of knighthood; Ingrid has a relatively romantic view as well but also thinks of fighting for her ideals; Felix outright hates knighthood and chivalry as a bunch of lies. In contrast, Raphael’s pragmatism is a little refreshing. He just wants to support his family, given his strength fighting seems like a good way to do it, and knighthood promises more stability than mercenary work. Good for him.
Ignatz: And yet another character thinking about knighthood, albeit again for a different reason. He doesn’t want to be a knight as such, but has to because it’s his duty. At times even I got a bit sick of the game constantly talking about knighthood, but the wide range of opinions on it was definitely a good thing. Alas, all Ignatz wants to do is paint and worship the goddess. Sadly I used Ashe as my main archer, so I didn’t see as much of Ignatz as I might have liked. Another playthrough, then.
Lysithea: See above, really. I get the impression she’s a quite popular character, but as with Dorothea, I already had a few mages and didn’t have much need for her. I’m guessing she would have a lot more importance on a route where her backstory with what are presumably creepy Slitherer magical experiments is more relevant? As it is, sorry, I just didn’t see that much. Young, likes sweets, ambitious in order to help her family because she hasn’t got long to live… but that’s about all I got.
Marianne: On the other hand, I did use Marianne quite extensively. She was my backup healer after Mercedes, and she was my dancer, so she was very useful. (Some might say it was cruel to make her dance in public: I thought it might help build her confidence!) Her paralogue also stood out to me as one of the most interesting and fun. At first I thought her self-loathing might be irrational or a symptom of depression, but it turns out that she actually has quite an understandable reason for thinking that she’s awful and that no one should  ever get close to her. Bringing peace to her ancestor and giving her the opportunity to increase her confidence and bloom as a person was very heartwarming. Her character arc gave me some WAFFy feelings, and I enjoy that sometimes.
Leonie: It’s weird to me that a character defined by her relationship with Jeralt, the player’s father, is so easy to miss recruiting. Nonetheless I did pick her up, because I love cavaliers and use far too many of them. Still, most of the other cavaliers were nobles, which made Leonie’s role as a mercenary knight a nice change. I think it might have worked better, though, if I’d known a bit more about the role of mercenaries in Fódlan. Are there mercenary companies? How do they usually find work? It would have been nice to know a bit more about the world that Byleth supposedly comes from, and which Leonie is so keen to break into.
Seteth: I was not a big fan of Seteth at first, but he grew on me, which surprises me particularly since I was on a route that never actually explains what his deal is. I feel like every long-term series fan, on meeting Seteth and Flayn, must have gone “oh they’re dragons”, because they fit that archetype just so closely, but somehow I got through the entire arc without anyone figuring it out. Nonetheless, while he starts off as quite suspicious of you, and even hostile, I enjoyed how further supports gradually humanised him. Seteth/Felix or Seteth/Ingrid, for instance, stood out to me as nice: the older man going out of his way to give practical advice to someone who’s still sorting himself or herself out. He’s a good mentor. I know often the thing people remember about Fire Emblem is the young protagonists and the shipping and so on, but sometimes it’s the older, more mature characters that I find the most interesting.
Flayn: In contrast, I did not find Flayn as interesting as Seteth. She’s a nice enough person, and the enthusiasm of the Flayn/Dedue support was cute, but ultimately I didn’t see that much of her. Mercedes and Marianne were my primary healers, and Byleth had a high Faith skill as well, so I didn’t need another one and didn’t take her along that often. I hope there are more depths, because as it is, I wasn’t that struck by her.
Hanneman: Another character I generally did not take along, so most of what I learned about Hanneman was around crests and his scientific curiosity. I think Hanneman supports my previous speculation that Fódlan might be starting on an intellectual renaissance at the time of the game. He is the Father of Crestology, even though crests have been known for a thousand years. That suggests that the organised, academic study of such matters is in its infancy.
Manuela: Again, not someone I looked at too closely, and her most obvious character trait, her romantic loneliness, could be a little bit cringeworthy at times. I would have to do more supports and look more closely at her to form a stronger opinion. The parts that I found most interesting with regard to her were about her history with the opera. Her relationship with Dorothea seems like it might reveal some more about both of them, but alas I didn’t use each character much.
Gilbert: On the other hand, I did use Gilbert quite a lot, since Dedue went missing for a while and I needed a substitute tank. Gilbert is clearly a loyal man who has suffered an immense amount, especially under the weight of guilt and self-doubt. It’s striking that he abandoned his family and homeland and fled to the church in order to assuage the weight of guilt he felt for the king’s death; but in the end the separation from his family only intensified feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Nonetheless, despite being a man who’s really screwed quite a lot up, he stoically tries to coordinate the Faerghus war effort, even when Dimitri is in his worst state. I was very glad to eventually get the Annette/Gilbert paired ending, as a valuable reminder that even at Gilbert’s age, it is possible to start healing and putting your life back together.
Alois: I really only got the Byleth support with Alois, so I don’t have that much to say. His cheery optimism is a nice change after a lot of the other faculty and knights are either serious or sad, and I enjoy horrible puns as much as the next man, but I think I need to see more.
Catherine: Speaking of cheery knights, Catherine’s rough-and-tumble confidence is also pretty appealing. Unlike the students, Catherine is strong and she knows that she’s strong, with a confidence that comes of years of fighting. What I saw of her personality I generally liked, and I learned a bit about her history, but I’m going to hold off on any further comments until I get some more context for her and Rhea. She is obviously incredibly devoted to the archbishop who saved her life, and in some ways seems to have reinvented her life from who she was before (cf. Dedue, the loyal service theme again), but I think I should need to see a route where Rhea plays a larger role before I come to conclusions.
Shamir: I like Shamir quite a lot, and she might be my favourite of the knights, even though she doesn’t have much to do with the actual plot. Her outsider status is the most striking thing about her: unlike pretty much everyone else, she has no personal investment in Fódlan or its politics, which frees her to focus on the needs of the moment. I would like to know a bit more about Dagda and Brigid, to be honest, but I suspect I’ve seen all there is to see already...
Cyril: Unfortunately I never used him. I can tell that he’s the Est of the game, a young character who probably has excellent growths and can excel in any class, but my roster felt pretty complete by the time I got him, he didn’t seem like he had interesting relationships with other characters that I might want to explore, and he’s so young that I feel uncomfortable making him a soldier. I can completely accept that there might be really good material around him, perhaps especially on the Golden Deer route where Almyra might come up, but as it is I don’t know any of it.
Anna: Yep, she’s Anna. Not much to say. Anna is always the same character, and Fódlan’s Anna doesn’t seem particularly special or unique.
 …phew, that took much longer than I thought. These games and their giant casts, man.
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robiness · 5 years ago
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Raven Branwen could teach us to trust love (theory, V7CH12 spoilers)
Yeah, that’s what I said.
In my theory about Qrow’s arc, I mentioned that the worst possibility is that Raven gets to Qrow, because obviously they’re hostile to each other and have different worldviews. He’s fragile and can be easily manipulated to returning to the Branwen ways. 
It was a Qrow theory, so I focused on him. All I said about Raven was that she’s clever and brutal, and she wants her family to concede that she’s right in her philosophy. 
I’ve seen a few ideas about Raven saving everything, but I dismissed them because of my own perception of her character. But after seeing them a couple more times today, I considered a new possibility. 
(this is a theory for a RWBY7 hopeful ending, if you don’t want to get your hopes up, i’ll understand)
Yes, Raven is clever, brutal, ruthless. I still firmly believe that she’ll do anything for what she considers worth fighting for. In my perspective, these are (1) protecting her tribe, and (2) making her family realize that she was right all along.
(2) is something she constantly keeps doing even in hostile situations. She tries and tries, and is extremely frustrated at the stupidity she sees. She feels betrayed by Qrow, too, since he used to subscribe to their ways, but she still tries.
She HAS expressed outright care before. Most obvious is the Yang vs Neo fight yes, but there’s another one I forgot and now made me consider her influence as a positive thing.
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This conversation between her and Yang in Volume 5.
Most of V5, Raven is rigid in her beliefs. She’s very firm with trying to convince Yang she was right when they met in the tribe, and even in Haven Academy, she left without caring if Qrow or anyone died, but she still tried to get through to her brother.
Later, when Yang confronts her after the Maiden fight, her reaction is angry. She thinks, again, that Yang is getting it all wrong like everything else. Ozpin’s war is hopeless, and Raven is the only one not brainwashed into his ideals. This was probably exacerbated by the fact she just defeated Cinder, again proving that she’s on top. 
“It's not that simple. You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through, the choices I've had to make!”  
“I've stared death in the face over and over again! And every time I've spat in that face and survived because I'm strong enough to do what others won't!” 
“Who do you think you are lecturing me?! Standing there, shaking like a scared little girl?!” 
She feels superior, and righteous in her rage. 
But then Yang calls her bluff. Raven might think she was making the right decisions, but Yang saw very clearly that she was too weak to do anything else but kill and run.
Yang proved to her that she did know Raven, because she was right in thinking that Raven would bail yet again if Yang offered to take the Relic that was a magnet for danger. 
Then, Raven makes this expression for the first time:
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She is guilty, ashamed, upset, and at the time, I thought that this was only because she was putting her daughter in danger.  
But if you think about it, she’s never completely cared about her family’s lives before, not if they interfere with her highest priorities. I’ll repeat: (1) protecting her tribe, and (2) making her family realize that she was right all along.
However, Yang just proved to her that... she wasn’t right. At least, not in the image she was trying to project - a righteous, fearless woman who was making difficult decisions. 
I... I'm sorry...
I can bet that she’s never said these words before. Not to Tai, not to Qrow, not to Summer. But now she says this to her daughter who just proved to be much braver than she is. Who wrecked her worldview. 
So what? She left anyway. Why would she come now? Why would she change?
I think the fact that she left is the answer. She made a quick, automatic decision to run away, despite her claims of righteousness and bravery. But she was crying and emotional as she did.
Once she was gone, she was gone. There was no mention of her in the next two volumes, other than a teased visit to Tai, and who knows what that was about? 
Also, a LOT of people had asked why tf did Yang never tell anybody about her mom being the Spring Maiden.
I don’t really know why Yang as a character made that decision. But maybe the narrative kept her out on purpose, to make viewers forget about her.
Because, you know, I never understood why Raven Branwen was the Spring Maiden, when all other potential Maidens had some sort of connection to the seasons they were assigned (Pyrrha, then Cinder to Fall, Winter/Penny to Winter). 
Raven was, if anything, the entire opposite of the concept of spring - rebirth, life, change for the better. 
I think she’s about to prove me wrong.
Volume 7: Qrow and Clover
Clover and Qrow had a healthy developing relationship that was cut off prematurely. This broke Qrow and stopped his recovery for seemingly no reason other than to hurt him, and us. 
Clover and Qrow had quick but utterly significant scenes that seemed to be wasted just like that. Why? 
I think it still stands that this was meant to really, really hurt. 
But. 
As said in my Qrow theory, and those of many others, only Raven can get to Qrow now in his fragile state, with their connection through her Semblance.
Clover and Qrow are in the tundra, out in the snow. If Raven gets there, how could she save them? By opening another portal to Yang, who is in Atlas, a city with the greatest technology and Pietro Polendina, either or both of which should be enough to save Clover. 
Ironwood survived half of his body getting so mangled that they had to replace it with metal. If Clover was left in the tundra, then yeah he has no chance. But if Raven gets them to Atlas, where all the resources are... 
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Let’s talk about this color scheme. 
I, like many others, immediately recognized this as the bi flag colours. It was insulting, demeaning, and cruel for a volume that puts heavy emphasis on “trust love”.
But what if it was put there to indicate that we still should trust despite what just happened? It would still be a traumatizing creative decision, but it would make sense to a predominantly cishet main crew. And any other staff who may have considered that it may hurt would be distracted by the (potential) utter brilliance of it.
The setting was a dark, isolated tundra when Clover died. But the sun rose.
When is a sunrise significant in that kind of setting? That’s right, spring. Hope, love. 
Qrow and Clover’s connection was wonderful, but underdeveloped. We assumed the theme Trust Love applied to them, but it was twisted cruelly, making the audience feel like it was just for shock value.
But what if it’s not their love that should be trusted right now? It is in its early stages, which is why we were so angry at the loss of potential. So maybe it’s not the focus.
What if it’s the unexpected love of Raven (spring, hope, sunrise) coming to aid her brother?
Qrow’s recovery: Raven
I’ve extensively talked about the twins’ relationship from Qrow’s perspective. It’s fractured and opposing. That’s a given.
But imagine. Imagine if at this darkest hour, Qrow’s big sister, who he’s given up on, saves him and makes things better. 
Clover was good for Qrow, but he doesn’t have to be the only one that is. Raven being open to compromise AND saving Clover? That would be such relief for my poor bird.
A real partner, and estranged sister back in his life? That will skyrocket his recovery so much that I’m literally crying right now at the thought.
Supporting Literary Parallels: 
1.  The first part of this post brings up the Aesop’s Fable that Clover is based on. To summarize, the Fisherman is down on his luck, but something unexpected happens, he gets his fish that makes his days better.
2. Qrow is the scarecrow of the Wizard of Oz. This is why many of us are terrified of what’s going to happen next, because the other two companions of Dorothy, Leo (Lion) and Ironwood (Tin Man) have lost the gifts they seek. 
However, we have forgotten that the scarecrow is Qrow’s basis on a lesser degree. Even his position is lower - he’s not a Headmaster, he’s a simple Huntsman. He “serves” Oz, yes, but that part is nulled when his loyalty was betrayed by Ozpin’s secrets.
Even when he was helping Ozpin, he wasn’t a major player, he didn’t guard any relics, he was primarily a spy, which connects more to his forefront literary basis:
3. Hugin and Munin (sources: 1, 2)
Hugin (thought) is Raven. Munin (memory, mind) is Qrow. In Norse mythology, these are Odin’s two ravens that he sends out to spy for information around the worlds. 
Hugin and Munin Fly every day Over all the world; I worry for Hugin That he might not return, But I worry more for Munin.
Raven (thinks herself objective and sensible) definitely matches “might not return”, and Qrow (mental health poster boy held down by memories) is definitely someone who’s always on the brink of tragedy. 
But the thing about the original ravens is that they’re always together. Qrow and Raven have never worked together in-show. That’s the difference between the originals and our characters.
My theory is that they’ll come together, because Raven and Qrow have already shown signs of change from what their originals represent.
But it’s two ravens, no crows! At first, this bummed me out, I thought that this fact would be more supportive of my first tragic Qrow theory. But then...
Crows travel in groups, they’re more sociable (Qrow and his kids). Ravens often travel in pairs (her apparent closeness with Vernal). (bird facts source)
While Qrow would enjoy being with a lot of people, Raven would probably be more picky with her companions, and Vernal, her second, is now dead. 
Therefore, even if Qrow needs Raven at this very moment, Raven needs her brother, too. It’s not only Qrow who will benefit from the reunion.
The Branwen twins will both be better if they work together. In human minds, plans (Raven) and passion (Qrow) need to coincide for survival.
And if this theory comes through, there will be two ravens to satisfy Raven, and Qrow will always be himself, surrounded by family, at the same time. (hint hint side note crows mate for life the two would still have a lot of development to do)
Last thoughts:
This could be wrong. The Qrow tragedy might still happen. Something completely different could. Raven could be a total bitch the whole series.
IDK OKAY. bUT YEAH IM HOPING fuuuuck
Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t trust anything anymore. After all, so many people were truly hurt by last episode, it was still damaging. Turning this around won’t erase that fact. 
But... I really want my Qrow happy. He’s been the most relatable character for me, with the things he goes through, and I’d love it so much if he will come out stronger, with a large support system and some goddamn happiness. And I think... my version makes sense, too?
So maybe everything has a reason. Maybe this is setting up for something really great. We’re very hurt now, but... the sun is rising.
To prepare us for spring?
17 notes · View notes
rinusagitora · 8 years ago
Text
The headrest for my soul.
Fandom: Bleach
Characters: Karin Kurosaki, Toushirou Hitsugaya, Jinta Hanakari, Ururu Tsumugiya, Yuzu Kurosaki
Pairings: HitsuKarin-centric, platonic JinKarinUru, mentioned familial HitsuHina, implied RenShuuKiraHina
Words: 9600+
Summary: Canon divergent, post TYBW ARC. For HitsuKarin Week 2017, mainly using the prompt “with you I am home.” WARNINGS-- suicidal ideation, explicit description of suicide by drug overdose, depression, codependency. Yuzu is her reason to live. Ururu and Jinta are her sanity. But Toushirou? Toushirou is her home. Without him, she is naught but empty hole.
FFN | AO3
Her nights, even when her sleep was segmented by half hours or hours of wakefulness because of hollow presences, came to a close with sweet dreams.
At one time, she preferred to say her day started with her dreams-- of her mother still alive and always with a smile, of the roar of the crowd after her team’s victory at internationals, of her peaceful death and her centuries-long career as a shinigami-- but she turned twelve and then decided it was easier to deal with the next day, days of inaction against the monster that was the junior high rumor mill, when the one prior ended on a good note.
When her dreams ended, she awoke on her own, two or sometimes three minutes before her alarm. That morning was not such was not a morning.
Her twin’s voice floated through her dreams. She blinked herself free of them and smiled at her twin above her.
“Mornin’,” she yawned. It was hard to be angry at Yuzu on schoolless Sunday and even harder to when she felt her twin’s loneliness. Who was she to turn away such a lonely girl, even at seven in the morning on their only day off?
“I’m making waffles. Do you want any?”
She hummed affirmative as she rubbed away the crust in the corners of her eyes. “Yeah. Lemme brush my teeth and I’ll be down.” She said. For some reason, she wasn’t really awake until after she brushed her teeth and got a cup of coffee in her. The later, though a premature habit, was mostly a consequence of her midnight escapades with Jinta and Ururu after Ichi-nii lost his powers. Her habit continued mostly out of addiction.
She grabbed her phone off the nightstand, sent Ururu and Jinta a quick good morning text, and made her way into the washroom. Her phone was an extension of herself, in many ways, her closest link to the Shouten kids when she was away from them. Like Yuzu was her reason to live, those two were her sanity. They stayed in touch after Ichi-nii regained his powers. Even if they couldn’t slay hollows anymore between Ichi-nii’s iron thumb and his posse’s unwillingness to keep their adventures on the down-low after her brother’s reinstatement. They only people who understood her tribulations, she couldn’t lose them.
She sat at the table when her teeth were finally clean. Yuzu had already set her food out; a pile of chocolate chip waffles, drizzled with syrup and butter and blueberries on top. Her twin’s were plain waffles with whipped cream, strawberry sauce, sliced bananas. She couldn’t help but note how it reflected them as people in many ways. Yuzu’s was fluffy and colorful, while her’s was muted with the addition of an ingredient that gave her’s a very different taste.
Her powers were her addition. She only wished they made her sweet like chocolate chips.
It was stupid how that difference seemed to rule her life.
Her phone buzzed twice in her shorts, and just a moment later, she felt his presence.
Your boy’s here, Jinta’s text read, he’s coming to you.
“What’s got you grinning all the sudden?” Yuzu chirped.
“Toushirou just texted me. He should be here in a couple of minutes.” It was only half a lie, she thought. It was sort of hard to explain why a friend gave her a heads up since Toushirou’s phone couldn’t call her own because he came from a different dimension.
“Ask him what he wants with his waffles.” Yuzu told her as she slipped out of her chair.
“Uh… he’s boring, so just make for him what you made me.”
“Alright,” Yuzu stood and made her way to the stove. “I wonder if you two are married, with how much you know about each other. I mean, I dunno how you finagle it out of him. He's so quiet….”
She laughed as her cheeks warmed. “My womanly wiles, I guess.” Her sister laughed too.
His every footstep seemed to pass longer than the last, like he dragged himself through a deep molasses lake, and everything she did to occupy her time-- ate her breakfast as slowly as possible, rinsed her plate, brushed her teeth again, brushed her hair, dressed, simply didn’t quicken time’s pace.
But he arrived, alas. She hopped down the stairs, rather slipped halfway down and fell the rest of the way, as he jogged up the walk and threw open the door just as he knocked.
“Toushirou…” she beamed as he blinked at her. “Good to see you here.”
“I would compliment your appearance, but you look a little bedraggled.” He replied as he brushed past her. “Tsumugiya told me your team will be going to regionals, though. Congratulations.”
She laughed sheepishly as her cheeks warmed. Like Yuzu was her reason to life, and the Shouten kids were her sanity, Toushirou was her joy. He so easily made her chest bubble with some elation, so easily made her cheeks warm, so easily made her feel welcome. She loved him because of that.  
“How’ve you been? I hope you haven’t been overworking yourself.” She said after they had seated themselves on the sofa.
“I’ve been alright.” Toushirou replied.
“That’s so vague.” She chided him.
“I happen to be fine with alright. I did just come out of the worst period of my life, so this normalcy is welcome.”
She smiled at him. The Great War had been hard on many shinigami, it was good to hear that, even though he had lost many men, he still fared alright. “That’s the sort of answer I wanted, you know.” She said then. “For a captain, you’re sure bad at being thorough. I hope your reports don’t suffer.”
“Hey, that was uncalled for.” He scoffed.
Yuzu delivered his waffles. He thanked her twin. There was only a moment of resentment towards Yuzu, because she had wanted to talk a little more, but it only lasted that moment after she remembered that Toushirou was still there and they had the entire day together.
“How’ve you been, Karin?” Toushirou asked as he pulled apart his waffled with his fork.
“You already know that my team’s going to regionals, so there’s not much else to say.” She replied. “I’m still having a hard time in school. I’m eeking by, but...” but she would rather be dead. She would rather use the powers that rushed through her veins. And Toushirou knew that, it just wasn’t something she could discuss in her twin’s presence. He had already scolded her for it, anyways, told her that she still had purpose in the World of the Living. Obligations to her team, because without her they wouldn’t go anywhere let alone regionals. Obligations to Yuzu, because her sister couldn’t take yet another loss. Obligations to Ururu and Jinta, because without her they would be virtually alone.
“You’d be doing much better if you just got a tutor.” Yuzu chirped. She leaned back and glared at her twin past Toushirou’s hair. Yuzu stuck tongue out at her.
“Will you be staying the night?” She asked.
“No, I have to leave after supper.”
“Take me for a walk then.”
“I can do that.”
“And then lunch.”
“Doable,”
“And ice cream,”
“Also doable.” He said. “Would you like to join us, Kurosaki?”
She briefed a sigh of relief as Yuzu shook her head. “No, thanks. I’ve got homework and some shopping to do for supper. You guys enjoy yourselves, though.”
“We will, thank you.” Toushirou said. She smiled gratefully at her twin over his shoulder, but her twin merely cleared Toushirou’s plate.
Naturally, their walk-lunch-ice cream-not-date became an entire day-not-date. It no longer surprised her, just because it was so easy to lose herself with him-- from time to stress to loathe to that dreadful facade she used. They ended up on the soccer field and their game devolved into a wrestling match which he definitely won after her picked her up and held her over his head, as if a threat that he would throw her to the ground and cackle as she moaned about her broken bones. They picked up pizza and then ice cream, and they ate their ice cream upon a swingset in the same park.
It was date-y and it wasn’t date-y, like most of their outings were. She had learned to ignore her anxiety, his sweetness, and she had learned to hold her tongue before she said something that would’ve ruined their friendship.
“Your sister is going to kill us when we go back and we can’t eat supper.” He snort as he lamely rocked.
“You may not, but I’ve got a hollow leg.” She responded.
“Impressive, I suppose.” He grumbled.
Alas, pure peace was out of their reach. A scream ripped through the air and stomach churned as noxious reiatsu stirred in the air.
A hollow.
She dropped her ice cream and took off. Toushirou cussed as he took chase.
“Karin, stand down!” He bellowed. “I may be off duty, but I cannot stand by and let the living fight against hollows! It’s negligent!”
She swiped at his feet with a kick, but he merely jumped over her leg. He grabbed her by the front of her shirt and pinned her to the wall. He was impervious to her narrow glare and she was too weak to fight against his raw power.
“Do not be so immature. You know very well this isn’t personal.” He snarled.
“And you know how much this means to me. You know this is my purpose.” She growled back. “Nobody has to know. You can lie on your report.”
“That’s not how it works. Since the Winter War, surveillance of the captains when they’re out of the Seireitei has increased. I cannot because we are being watched.” He told her. “Please, I’ll make it up to you, but this isn’t negotiable.”
Her tightened limbs laxed and Toushirou released her. “Let’s go. I want to at least watch.” She groused.
“You can do that.” He replied as he popped a Soul Candy.
They took off again, his gigai’s hand wrapped tightly around her wrist to prevent anything more on her end, and skid to a stop where the hungry energy was most concentrated. The hollow was a big, ugly thing, with a long face and its eye sockets atop tall stalks, and between its slimy tendrils was spotted webbing it used to glide.
Toushirou drew his sword and her anger melted away as he charged. He was majestic as he fought, his every movement controlled, powerful, graceful. He made it look easy. He was a master.
She loved that about him, too. She’s just frustrated by how stuck she was, how weak it made her. Weak was a strange thing to call herself, when her voice was like a lion’s roar and her quads were as hard as packed clay, but it was all bravado. When it came down to it, to the people that mattered, she was weak and helpless and unrespectable.
“Are you alright?” Toushirou asked before he merged with his gigai.
“Not a scratch.”
He sighed as he picked up her wrist. His gigai held her so tightly it left finger-shaped bruises around it. It didn’t hurt much, but it was noticeable. “Your sister is going to kill me when she sees this.” He said. “I’m… really sorry. For this and… and for shoving you, and the rest of that. If I had my own way….” His lips tightened as trailed off. If he had it his own way, she would already be a substitute shinigami.
It still pissed her off.
“I know.” She replied.
“Will you forgive me?”
“I’m not angry.” She replied. Not with him, at least.
Her brow furrowed. “A true apology,” she started, “requires the intent to never repeat one’s mistake. Seeing as this will happen again in the future I can’t forgive you because you’re not really sorry.”
Toushirou’s expression was unreadable, but she could tell she hurt him. It was cruel that she couldn’t bring herself to mend the situation, like the petty child she was.
“... I forgive you.” She said, because no matter how much she hurt she always gravitated back to him. “I was trying to make a point. It’s out of our control, so it doesn’t bother me.”
It didn’t seem to soothe Toushirou, but he continued anyways. “Y-you dropped your ice cream back at the park. Let’s go get you another cup.”
“Okay.” She could do that, if it made him feel any better, because she kind of felt like shit too.
Yuzu, when they finally got home, fetched her a cold compress for her wrist. She didn’t miss the glower her twin shot Toushirou. She wondered what misunderstanding would spawn if she didn’t come up with a story.
“I tripped on my shoelace going down some stairs. He caught me before I killed myself.” She said.
Yuzu hummed, unconvinced, but her twin was used to being stonewalled and wasn’t the type for confrontation.
It was just the three of them at supper. Her father always seemed busy when Toushirou was around and she never really knew where Ichi-nii went. But their absence was fine by her-- she didn’t risk humiliation with just her sister’s presence.
Still, she hated Sunday nights. Toushirou left those nights. He tore part of her away and took it with him every time.
It wasn’t right when Toushirou was gone. She was so lonely, and it was a strange since part of her was afraid of what tragedy commitment would bring, but he seemed to complete her in some way. They clicked. They clicked unlike her classmates, they clicked unlike her teammates, they clicked unlike her very own sister. It wasn’t like she hadn’t tried, her friendships just… sputtered out in the span of weeks. She was like a jigsaw piece in the wrong puzzle when she was among the spiritually oblivious. It was only with Toushirou and the Shouten kids that she felt at home.
Sometimes she wondered what was wrong with her, sometimes she wondered if her love for them was a sign that she would be much happier in the Seireitei, but that train of thought last resulted in an emergency skin graft by Urahara. Those things escalated-- from all nighters so maybe she would walk into oncoming traffic on her way to school and not even notice, to toying with scissors with some sick hope that she would gather the bravery to just cut herself open, to dangling her toes off the edge of a bridge.
Sometimes, Ururu and Jinta made it better. Most of the time they just made it hurt more, but she gravitated to them like she gravitated to Toushirou.
Dwelling on it only makes it hurt more, you know. How about you think of his next visit? It’s inevitable by now. Ururu’s message read.
I know but I can’t stop. I hurt all the time when I’m not with you guys. It’s kinda sad how dependent I am, but you guys are the only ones who understand me. She messaged back.
>Your family loves you. Ichigo too, he’s just bad at showing it. You can depend on them.
I love them too, even Ichi-nii, but there’s no trust here. There’s lies, there’s facades, we’re all trying to hide something or everything, mostly how much we hurt. It’s been like this since Mom died. We’re just trying to take care of ourselves so we don’t burden each other but it doesn’t work. I’m not sure how to fix it, though. Part of me plain wants to exceed Ichi-nii so I can spit in his face for lying to me but I just want some honesty.
It’s got to start with someone, don’t you think?
She frowned. My efforts are just as futile as with Toushirou.
Ichigo is your family and he’s not as self-absorbed as you sometimes think. You’ll have a much easier time building rapport with him.
You make it sound like it’s so simple. When has anything been simple with the Kurosaki?
She dumped her phone in her bag, rolled over, and tried to get some sleep.
She knew she had a handful of admirers-- a couple of boys who’d fallen for her talent, a couple more who thought she would’ve made a cute accessory, a couple of curious girls since she was so open about her sexuality.
Even those few hadn’t left her notes in the past.
“Hey, dude, your hands are shaking. Is your blood sugar low or something?”
The letter crinkled as her fists tightened. It was a love letter, she knew it was, and it terrified her for some reason. Fear of rejection was something she suffered too, which was one reason she hadn’t spilled her guts to Toushirou, and as it was something she sympathized with, it would break her heart to turn someone away. But what if it was Toushirou? She pegged him as the sort to just come out with it, but perhaps he wanted to be romantic.
Her heart dropped into her gut as she finally opened it. She didn’t know Toushirou to be a poet.
Jinta’s eyebrow quirked as he peeked over her shoulder. “‘I know you don’t like love letters and empty words, but I’ve fallen hard.’ What the fuck kind of haiku is that? What junior high student even writes haiku? Go outside, like damn.”
She stared dumbly at the penmanship. It didn’t match any of her admirers or her friends, and the anonymity frightened her.
So she crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebin. “It doesn’t matter, Jinta. Let’s just go. I have homework to procrastinate and pizza parlors to patron. Where the fuck is Ururu anyways?
“She caught a cold.” Jinta told her as he stuffed his fists in his jacket pockets. “Y’know, I never thought a bunch of eighth ‘n ninth graders would be so into dating. Isn’t that supposed to be saved for high school or something?”
“Are you throwing shade at me?” She scoffed.
“Nah, you don’t take it as seriously as some others.”
“I dunno, I’ve been so into Toushirou for awhile now.” Nobody liked somebody for two fucking years with barely any contact with them if they weren’t lovesick.
“He’s different though, so you have an excuse.”
She blinked at Jinta. “How so?” She asked dubiously.
“I’m not stupid, Karin. I don’t approve getting so attached to Toushirou like you have since all that is so complicated, but he has the decency to be honest with you and makes you feel less lonely when he’s around, so I can’t really hate him.”
She frowned as they walked. She was a masochist if she loved Toushirou despite how much it hurt to be apart, despite that they may never be together.
Jinta nudged her with his elbow. “You live too much in your head, Karin. Open up a little.” He said.
She laughed sheepishly. “Sorry, I’ve got a test tomorrow and taking up a lot of my attention for some reason.
“Sure, a test.” He rolled his eyes.
It was a beautiful Friday afternoon. Too beautiful to be cramped inside, berated with some lecture about agametic reproduction. The sky was clear and impossibly blue, and the sun was above her school and out of her eyes, and the temperature was perfect for t-shirts and shorts and to run around on a soccer field.
Those were the sorts of days she wished to spend with Toushirou….
A chill ran down her spine, then. A grin split her face. That was most definitely his reiatsu she felt. It was almost like magic. He never came on Fridays and especially not when she was in school, but like she willed him to appear, he was there.
Her hand shot up and she asked to be excused to the nurse’s. Before her teacher even asked about her sudden affliction, she was gone. She ran faster than she ever had in the past, ran all the way home and didn’t slow down, not even when her side cramped or when her shoulder slammed into the gate, she didn’t slow down until she was out of her shoes and stumbled down the hall.
“Toushirou!” She gasped.
His eyebrows shot into his hairline. “You look like hell.”
She wheezed as she propped herself on her knees. Toushirou dragged her to the couch where she collapsed and grabbed her a glass of cool, lightly salted water.
“Did you run all the way here?” He asked as he held the glass to her lips. His other hand supported her neck as she chugged. Really, she could’ve done it herself, but his touch was welcome. She got to stare into his beautiful eyes like that.
She pushed the glass away, wiped her lips, and then nodded. Toushirou chuckled for some reason.
“What?”
“You’re just a weirdo.” He said as he watched her prop herself up and sip. “You skipped school and ran something like three and a half kilometers. You’re so stupid it’s actually flattering.”
“Why’re you here so early?” She asked.
Toushirou merely shrugged. “I finished with my work early and decided to spend my weekend with someone I actually like instead of babysitting a bunch of drunks.”
Her face felt hot. She was grateful she could blame her rosy flush on her run. Still, she reached for the remote on the end table. She might kiss him if he complimented her again, and that would lead to a mess….
“How has school been?” Toushirou asked as he climbed onto the couch and pulled her legs over his lap.
A snort ripped from her esophagus. “You know how I am.” She said.
“Karin, you need to keep your grades up. I know you think most of what you learn in school is worthless to your future, and perhaps the material is, but school develops your work ethic now that you will need as a shinigami. The Winter War and the Great War were exceptions to our lives. We’re warriors, but we’re bureaucrats on our regular days.” Toushirou chastised her.
“I have tried, I’m just stupid.” She scoffed.
“Untrue!” He snapped. His sudden severity startled her. “You’re brilliant, resourceful, quick on your toes, down to earth. I know academia doesn’t come easily to you, but you just need a little help. I’d help you if I understood the material, but I’m certain you can find a tutor who can cater to your unique learning style.” He said. “But don’t you ever denigrate yourself like that again, have I made myself clear?”
Her brows furrowed as guilt squeezed her heart. She knew Toushirou just wanted to help, and he was partly correct and she was just mulish, but it all seemed futile when she already knew the path she wanted to take with her life.
But how he, equally stubborn and even more stoic, still put up with her immaturity was the real mystery. She was just grateful he was still there….
“H-how long are you going to stay? The weekend or just tonight?” She asked.
“The weekend, so long as the Seireitei doesn’t fall apart.” He replied. “If you’ll have me, that is.”
“You know you’re always welcome here.” She said.
They stared at each other, oblivious to the children’s show that played on the television that she ought to change. But his eyes were beautiful and he looked at her with care and concern that she couldn’t look away.
“... take a nap, you look like shit.” Toushirou finally said.
She was awfully tired, she thought as her eyes fluttered. But his visit was so out of the norm that an irrational part of her feared that she had finally lost it and he was just a hallucination and she would wake to nothing. So she pushed him onto his back and then laid herself across his front, her ear on his hammering heart. He couldn’t disappear that way.
“H-hey, inappropriate, Karin….” Toushirou stammered.
“Relax,” she giggled, “I just need a pillow.”
Toushirou’s heartbeat was like a hypnotic lullaby. It made her eyelids heavy and put her into some entranced, lucid dream state. She thought how odd it was that he was so warm and supple despite the artificial vessel he was in. But Urahara was a genius. That man made the most persuasive gigai. She wondered how he performed such miracles like gigai and her migraine meds, but she was thankful either way. He made everything she loved so tangible.
Yuzu wasn’t pleased when she was found on top of Toushirou. Her twin’s eyebrows were pinched just slightly as she was jostled awake, and her twin was awfully curt with Toushirou the rest of the night. There were two possibilities for her sister’s displeasement-- Yuzu either thought Toushirou deliberately hurt her and she covered for him the same way she covered for Ichi, or Yuzu had figured out Toushirou was a shinigami or some other force that intended to steal her away. She hoped it was the first. It was much simpler to dispel an abusive situation than something that she partly hoped was true.
The evening was otherwise peaceful. She was restless when she retired, though. Her day didn't end and it didn't begin. She didn't dream that night so when her eyes fluttered open at godforsaken four o’clock in the morning it still felt like the night before. But she was simply too excited to rest any longer.
She quietly made her way to the bathroom to shower, a change of clothes under her arm. Was she truthful, she planned to sluff at the Shouten with Toushirou and Jinta and Ururu, start her weekend early, but Toushirou already reamed her a new asshole through her ears so she figured she ought to at least attend.
There was a knock at the washroom door as she brushed her teeth. It was Toushirou, a little bedraggled with even messier hair with a strap of his tanktop had fallen down his thin shoulder and his pajama shorts ridden up to his waist.
“What the hell are you doing up?” He mumbled as he wet his toothbrush beside her.
She was half-tempted to just tell him she was a morning person, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie to him. “I couldn’t sleep.” She said through her toothpaste. She was amazed she was even articulate before her coffee.
Toushirou hummed. They were silent as they brushed their teeth.
“You’ll be going to school today, won’t you?” Toushirou asked as he combed his hair. “I assume so if you’re dressed like that.”
“Yeah,” she replied as she rolled her stiff shoulders. “Saturdays are half days and I don’t have practice so I’ll be home earlier.”
“I’ll come pick you up in that case. We can go out for burgers or something. I’ve had this ridiculous craving lately….”
She laughed as her cheeks warmed. She used to not peg Toushirou as the sort to suffer from cravings, but he was an early adolescent like any other, in the middle of some awkward transition with body acne and mood swings and crushes and---
That love note returned to the forefront of her mind. He was still a captain, he had the ability to smother his reiatsu beyond what her immature sensors could feel. What if all the exceptions he made for her-- like reference her by her given name, visit her, insistence he paid for her meals when they went out, little objection to her shenanigans, his patience and his support-- was because he returned her feelings and she was just too stupid to realize it until then?
What if she could turn that time into an actual date?
“I’ll bring a change of clothes, then.” She said, and she admired her ability to at least act cool when she was about to go into cardiac arrest.
“You’re fine in your uniform, really.”
“Um, don’t you know jackshit? You don’t go out on the town in your school uniform.” She scoffed.
“You’re, like, fourteen, and it’s not exactly clubbing.”
“No, but I am going to look hot as hell because I want to.”
“Your uniform is already complimentary. At least, Tsumugiya tells me some gentlemen have a fetish for young women in school uniforms.”
“Toushirou… do you have something you’re trying to tell me?”
Toushirou merely rolled his eyes. “I’m gonna start breakfast. Is there anything you want?”
“... French toast, with cinnamon and fruit” she replied, “but Yuzu’s gonna be pissed when she finds you in her kitchen.”
“I’ll just put on some coffee in that case.” He grumbled. “I have no idea what I did to infuriate your sister so much….”
She merely laughed abashedly. She wasn’t sure where to start with her family’s issues.
She sat on the counter as Toushirou prepared their coffee. It was even more delicious than Yuzu’s coffee, and something delicious about the serenity and domesticity of that morning. There was a sort of perfection to that morning, as if it was a taste of happiness with him.
Yes, she thought, that was the day she would tell him, she thought. That was her first step towards happiness.
She had promised her attendance, but her attention was another thing altogether. Concentration on boring numbers and words was impossible when her perfect weekend was so imminent. She daydreamed about her confession, she even wrote an outline in the margins of her workbook so she knew exactly what to say, and then an outline of their entire date. Burgers first, then the arcade, then the park where she would tell him.
The perfect, almost fairy tale-esque feeling lingered. She dreamt of their kiss, of the I-love-yous and the tears that would certainly follow. It would be magical and she would make sure of it.
Her leg bounced as she felt Toushirou’s approach fifteen minutes before the bell. Those prior hours passed quickly, but those minutes seemed to be the longest of her life. Her heart pounded harder against the back of her ribs as the seconds ticked by. They said a watched pot never boiled, and it seemed true, but where else could she direct her attention? The reality of her daydreams which took her breath away? Risk her phone taken if she messaged Jinta and Ururu about her anxiety which would postpone her weekend until her father could come fetch it from faculty?
But those seconds passed, finally, and she bolted out of her homeroom like it was on fire for her locker in the dressing room. She garnered many stares as she raced, and she was certain that was Yuzu that shout her name as she took stairs three at a time. But there wasn't anymore time to waste-- not for homework or hollows or family, not when time already sped towards Toushirou’s departure for the Seireitei again.
Toushirou cocked a brow at her as she approached. She was warm under his gaze and eager for whatever compliment he gave.
“I have so many questions, I don't know where to begin.” He said, and her heart sunk. “I mean, you look very nice, but you didn't need to dress up. Your uniform is just fine.”
“Nonsense, nobody goes to town on a Saturday without looking nice.” She scoffed. But he liked it, and that was all that mattered, she thought as she caught his wrist. “C’mon, now! Pizza can’t eat itself!”
“I-I thought we were going out for burgers---”
“Oh my god, burgers then. We have a totally flexible schedule, you know. We could go play soccer first, and then work up an appetite, and then eat. But I’m hungry so we’re not going to do that.”
Toushirou fell beside her. They slowed to a lazy shuffle, and he took his hand back to fold his arms.
“It nice today.” She remarked, followed by a pleasant sigh. “How long do you think we’ll be out?”
“I’ll get you home before supper. I don’t need your sister on my case even more than she already is….” Toushirou involuntarily shuddered then, as if her sister was some cannibalistic boogeyman that breathed down his neck that very moment.
Still, she couldn’t help but be disappointed that they had only a handful of hours before supper. She would have to make it even more perfect in that case so Toushirou didn’t stand a chance against that princess.
She sent a message to Ururu and Jinta to cover any hollows that Ichi-nii’s friends couldn’t. She wouldn’t let anything jeopardize the perfect night she confessed.
It was a feat in and of itself that she kept her food down. Her belly churned and twisted and spasmed the closer her fated hour loomed. And she convinced herself it was silly, because she was certain Toushirou wrote that letter and she was certain they would be together for years if not the rest of their lives because it was impossible for her to imagine her life without Toushirou.
She had fallen just behind him as they made their way through the throngs of people and labyrinth of streets. She was heavy and her mouth was dry as a sponge. Every step felt like she trudged through a knee-deep landslide instead of air. She swore she would faint if her heart hammered any harder. She had experienced fear in the past, as hollows bowed over her and drooled on her cheeks, but she would’ve rather stuck her head right between its teeth than go on another step. She was half tempted to just scrap her fairy tale and go on as friends, but she was Karin Kurosaki and she didn’t have an ounce of cowardice in her bloodstream.
She caught Toushirou’s wrist. He spun around and the ethereal color of his eyes sent shivers down her spine.
“I love you.” She blurted. His eyes bugged out of his skull. “I love you.” She marvelled at how easily that iteration tumbled out, and then the dam broke. “I’m irrevocably in love with you, Toushirou. I’ve been in love with you for so long, and I love everything about you. You don’t patronize or infantilize me, you treat me as your equal even despite our obvious differences in capability. I-I know you can’t answer all of my questions, but I know you don’t do anything to put me down or keep from me what I can know. I feel so much stronger when I’m with you, like I can make my way through all the impossibilities I’ve been handed.” She laughed then, blissfully. “And you’re so beautiful, you know? Majestic, breathtaking, like a dragon. You’re everything I want to be and everything I’ve wanted in a partner.”
Toushirou’s chest heaved as he panted, as if she had give that speech while he ran for his life. His eyes were so emotive. He looked ecstatic, hurt, regretful, mournful, so many things but many of them filled her with a cold sense of dread.
“Karin,” he croaked in some heartbroken tone. He quickly wiped the tears in from his eyes with the back of his hand and she honestly thought she would puke on the spot. Why did he sound like she had just informed him of someone’s death? He wouldn’t cry if he loved her, right? Whywhywhy did he cry---
“I can’t.” He said. Her grip lost its strength. His hand fell back to his side. Everything from her neck to her knees turned to jelly and she fell to the pavement. She didn’t even feel the impact of her knees on the ground, like the entire world fell out from under her and left her suspended in a vacuum.
“Wh-what do you mean?” She knew she cried with him, by the hoarseness of her voice. Her cheeks felt sticky and she couldn’t breathe through her nose.
“I can’t love you.” He said.
“I-I don’t understand.”
“I can’t love you. I can’t do it.”
Her fists caught his shirt as if he was her only attachment to reality. “I don’t understand. Don’t? Can’t? Won’t? Why? Was it something I did? Is it some rule in the Soul Society?”
“Because you don’t love me!” He sobbed. “You love what I do. You reek of dissatisfaction, Karin, you tell me all the time how bad you are at being human and you're so eager to finesse your skills as a shinigami. You live vicariously through me, I am the closest to death you can achieve without actually going through with it.”
“You misunderstand. That's only a part of it. I love you because we’re alike. I've discovered through knowing you that I'm meant to be a shinigami. I don't love you because you're like my death, I love you because I feel at home with you, and with other shinigami I'll be at home. They're two different things!” She bellowed. “Do you understand what it means for me to feel like I belong, don't you? I don't even feel that with my own flesh and blood.”
“Of course I understand, but this isn't love. You've imprinted on me.”
She screeched and pound her fists against his chest. “Why aren't you listening to me? You always listen to be, what makes this different? Don't you love me? Wasn't it you who left that haiku for me? Isn't that why you keep visiting me? Isn't that why you're so nice to me?”
Toushirou was still as she pounded her weak fists against his ribs. They garnered stares because of her tantrum, but she couldn't bring herself to care. He had torn yet another bone from her body.
“Why? You've been my friend for so long and I know you love me, but why can’t you do it now.” She sobbed as she grabbed his shirt again.
He pried her fingers from his shirt. She couldn't look him in the eye. “I should go.” He spoke softly, like how Ichi-nii spoke when he held back tears. “I'm very sorry, Karin.”
His footfalls faded from earshot and her breath followed. She felt much like a river stone as the crowd dispersed. She couldn't help but think she may eventually be worn away like one.
She knew it to be Jinta and Ururu that found her and carried her home like a dumb pack.
The blood had returned to her legs on the way home, but the ground beneath the soles of her shoes felt like uneasy waves of stormy seas.
She was delivered to her room. She sobbed as the fell back into her mattress and held tightly around her.
“I'll never have anything good, will I?” She lamented as she squeezed her eyes. “I always ruin it,  or it’s taken from me.”
“I'm not going anywhere. Neither’s Jinta. You're stuck with is, even after you die.” Ururu told her.
“He's stupid to do that to you.” Jinta said. “He led you on, he left you. It's his fault. He's the sort that gets off on hurting girls.”
She frowned. She was familiar with those sorts, older boys who thought girls were their right and had no problem diddling other girls even if they had girlfriends. Toushirou didn’t seem like the sort to do that. He was noble and chivalrous and kind. It was her who had crossed that line-- her foolishness, avarice, dependency. She had chased him away.
But perhaps they were right. She always cut herself the short end of the straw. She wished she could make sense of it as quickly as she made sense of everything else, but reality hadn’t quite settled in.
“Is it bad that I can’t agree with you?” She whispered. Ururu merely nuzzled her cheek.
There was a knock at her bedroom door, then. The three of them nearly jumped out of the window, skittish by habit, but they relaxed. Yuzu’s reiatsu was behind it, sweet and bitter and concerned. She knew her twin couldn’t tell who was behind there, and even if Yuzu could, she doubt it mattered. Jinta and Ururu had come over in the past, they were just a couple of friends hanging out.
“Karin, I know you’re in there. I won’t come in. I know you grieve privately. But just listen to me, okay?” Yuzu said. “I-I saw Hitsugaya-kun outside of school today, but since you guys aren’t together, I assume something happened and he left. Karin, I know he’s probably hurt you for awhile now but you’re better off without him. And if he ever shows his face again, I’ll bash it in.”
Her features pulled into a silent, painful sob. She wished the world to disappear again, let her gather her thoughts, but it appeared the universe and its puppets were content to be cruel.
She hated how obvious her misery was. Her body felt like it had been stuffed with rags. Her movements were slow and graceless, and her silence prompted many comments. She swore the reverent hush that fell over her class was so she couldn’t hear the gossip. Karin Kurosaki has finally broke, do you think it had anything to do with that boy she was with yesterday? Yeah, I saw her sobbing in the street Saturday after school. You think he dumped her? Her team noticed too, with her lackluster performance. Eventually, she just vomit and she was excused to the nurses.
Of course, She wasn’t one for the nurse’s office. She knew her ailment couldn’t be cured with an antiemetic, because Toushirou was still gone and she hated herself.
A couple of clubs had been released so the entrance wasn’t empty. It didn’t matter though. She just needed her sneakers and then---
She paused as she opened her shoe locker. Another note was laid across her sneakers. Tears immediately welled in her eyes and her hands shook. Its presence made her doubt the other love note was from Toushirou, he didn’t seem like the sort to torment her like that over a virtual breakup, but she just didn’t know him anymore.
She tore it into dozens of pieces regardless. She sobbed as she made her way to the plastic wastebin by the door, and she knew every eye in that place was on her because Karin fucking Kurosaki hadn’t fallen apart ever before.
Fuck them. Fuck him. Fuck everyone. If they wanted a show, she would happily cater she thought as she brandished a lighter from her bag and lit the pieces aflame. They fluttered into the wastebin, she shrieked, and then kicked the flimsy thing across the room where another student narrowly missed collision.
“Fuck. You!” She roared. She crumpled to the floor and held herself as she wailed. She was a pitiful sight, fodder for the rumor mill that would certainly rip to pieces in the future like she had that letter, but she was too empty to care anymore.
Jinta’s arms wound around her shoulders and he squeezed her tightly.
“Fuck off.” He spat. The entrance was void in moments. “And fuck that bitch, too.” He said, more dolefully, as she rocked. “Fuck that stupid, holier-than-thou son of a bitch. He’ll burn eventually. I’ll drag him kicking and screaming into Hell myself.”
Toushirou would burn just like that letter that stunk up the place with the smell of burnt plastic, and her life would return to some mundane routine that wouldn’t even kill her.
She screamed at the top of her lungs.
Days, weeks, months, and then a year, and then two and then four years. Time didn’t feel quite like it used to. It felt like slime-- shapeless, mouldable to her mood. Sometimes she was sad and it passed quickly, and sometimes it dragged like her limbs. But it all felt like one day, like it was still that dreamless weekend.
Even with time to gather her thoughts, she couldn’t say how she felt about Toushirou. As an adolescent, his friendship was something that kept her afloat in a world that seemed against her. He kept her grounded, he reminded her of her purpose, and in some ways, he was a symbol of the inevitability of the fulfillment of her destiny, of company with like-minded people. Though Jinta and Ururu had learned how to remind her of her purpose there in the World of the Living, they never could fill the hole that Toushirou left.
She hated that she needed someone like Toushirou, even after he left, but she was needy and codependent. She eventually came to terms with that.
Yuzu was enthralled to never see him again. She never did explain what their relationship was. Just a friendship she destroyed, nothing abusive.
Like how she gravitated to the river after Masaki’s death, she gravitated to it again because ice was just frozen water. She liked to submerge her legs. They often went numb after a minute or two, but the ache took her mind off the one in her chest. Though the thought to completely submerse herself frequently crossed her mind, she worried that the stubborn, instinctual part of her would crawl out.
It began to reaffirm her place in the universe when college after college refused her. Her high school grades were less than favorable thanks to her shot ambition. It made every day harder and harder. Though her father promised her that there was always a place for her in the Kurosaki clinic, it never sat totally right with her.
Her needs had been torn from her hands and spat on over and over again. First with her mother’s death, and then by Ichi’s savior complex, and then by another boy just like him who thought her isolation kept her safe.
Not anymore. Her destiny, she thought as she flicked the bubbled to the top of the needle and squirt them out, was in her own hands. She didn’t care anymore-- not for Toushirou, even though they would be coworkers in the space of years, not for Ichi, who seemed to think her feelings were his plaything, not for Yuzu, because she often felt like a lead weight or a big wall that kept her from her needs even if her twin was the only one who really gave a damn.
Since the clinic was so small and understaffed, they didn’t have the checks and safeties hospitals did for their access to morphine. She just needed the key to the locked cabinet and that was it.
She briefly considered to inject herself in her carotid since it was virtually a straight trip down to her heart and lungs where the damage needed to be or into her brain, but her hands shook and she feared she would miss so she just settled or her arm. Four vials worth would kill her either way.
She curled up on her side on the gurney. For a handful of moments, there wasn’t anything, but then she felt dizzy and breathless. Her vision when blurry, but when she touched her cheek with her weakened hand, it came back dry. When she blinked, she was beside her clammy and blue-lipped body with a chain connected between their breastbones. She knew as long as that chain was connected to her body, she could be revived. She grabbed the end that connected to her withering vessel and tugged with hope that she could tear it out, but it just yielded more chain. So she pushed that body onto its back, wrapped her fingers around it, and slammed her fifty-two kilos into it. Her trachea collapsed with a crunch, like she had stepped on a styrofoam cup or a pop can, and the chain was freed.
There was a knock sometime later, she couldn’t say exactly when, but she had somehow landed in the plastic chair with her back to the clock. She knew it was Yuzu behind the door, increasingly worried as nobody answered behind a locked door into an examination room during clinic hours. She knew her twin called Ichi because she couldn’t find her fucking key and she needed to open the fucking door because she couldn’t find Karin and he knew what she had been like lately. She knew her brother immediately slammed the door shut and Yuzu fell into hysterics just beyond the wall. But nothing swayed her. Not even Ichi’s broken-hearted, teary gaze, or their father’s palpable grief, or Ururu’s pink eyes and puffy cheeks.
“You’re a fool, you know.” Ururu told her as she leaned her behind against the wall next to the gurney. Jinta stood on her other side, eyes locked on the floor. She told herself it was because her body was still in the room and it didn’t look quite right. Wasn’t Ichi supposed to be on the phone with the coroner’s?
“I know.” She murmured.
Jinta cleared his throat like there was something caught in there. “How’re you feeling?” He asked.
“I dunno. Tired. I can’t take a deep breath, but that’s it.” She answered.
They were interrupted by two middle-aged gentlemen in polyester jackets. They came to collect her body, silent because of Jinta and Ururu’s presence, but their expressions were conversation enough. So young. I have a daughter this age, you know. I can’t imagine….“You realize what the fuck you’ve done, right? Permanently traumatized your family. You know this, don’t you?” Ururu growled as the collectors were finally gone.
She knew Ururu meant her kin, but she couldn’t help but think of them. She wouldn’t have vacation to the World of the Living unless she was a ranked officer. She had forgotten about that. It made her wonder if they could visit her in the Soul Society. But perhaps they wouldn’t. Perhaps they would forget her. Part of her hoped so, part of her wanted to take them with her. What a selfish girl.
Jinta nudged her with his narrow hips. He was taller than her by then, with salmon scruff on his chin and thinner eyes. She almost smiled when she thought about how pretty they had all become.
“Don’t worry. Ururu’s gotta give you a hard time since we’re the only ones you seem to listen to anymore.” He told her, and then he grinned. “You’ll be the greatest fucking shinigami ever. Even better than the Kenpachi.”
“I dunno who or what that is.” She paused. “I’ll learn though, I guess.” She paused again. “How do you think Toushirou’s going to take this?”
“Hell if I know. I don’t even know why you still think about that shitstain after he up and left you like that.”
“I’m going to be working with him someday, maybe even as a captain if my reiatsu pans out.” She reminded Jinta. She shuddered. “Do you think… he could love me this time around? Now that I’m dead?”
Ururu and Jinta glanced between themselves.
Ururu’s eyes turned to her finally. “... he’s on his way.” Her friend whispered. Her heart clenched. “You can ask him. We can stay if you want, or stand guard while you get your affairs together. Or sock him. I'm fine with either.”
She pushed herself to her feet and pulled the two of them into a hug. She loved them, more than she loved herself or anyone else. And that was cruel she knew, because her family loved her too, but those two were time and battle tested and there was no one she would rather have her back.
Her heart came to life as she felt his presence outside the clinic. It pound erratically, as if her heartbreak was fresh. Her scowl deepened with his every step closer, and she wound her arms tighter and tighter around her friends.
“Could you… could you guys give us a little privacy? I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself.” She uttered. Her arms fell to her sides as her friends slipped away. She saw a flash of his hair outside the door, and her heartbeat did that again as she strained to listen to what kept Toushirou a moment longer.
If her lip so much as wobbles, I’ll take your fucking head off. Not so fast, Jinta. I’m itching to blow a hole through him. It made her smile. Those two were ever-protective. And so was she. They were, especially in that moment, all she had. And they were the best she had.
Toushirou entered the examination room she occupied and shut the door behind him. He didn’t look any older and certainly not any taller. It was as if it was just days ago he terminated their friendship. But his hair was longer, his fringe tickled his jaw, a little messier as if he ran his fingers for some hours.
They stared at each other. She didn’t even open her mouth, and neither did he. Admittedly, she had daydreamed several monologues over the years. Some were apologetic and how she wished she wasn’t so foolish, some plead for his return and for his friendship, some were livid because who the fuck wrote her haiku after they effectively dumped her? But they all seemed inappropriate. Strangely enough, nothing seemed appropriate.
The silence was still pregnant with something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.
“Y…” Whatever Toushirou was about to say fizzled out like a sparkler. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I saw your sister on the way in. I don’t think she’s stopped crying.”
“When did you start caring?” She said dryly. It always came down to other people, it seemed. Hadn’t she been miserable long enough? She couldn’t tell if people just forgot that she had feelings too since she didn’t share often, or if shinigami had some philosophy that one must lead one miserable lifetime in order to be obliged to fulfillment. “She never liked you and you never liked her.”
Her animosity surprised her, truthfully.
“It’s true that she didn’t like me, but I never disliked her.”
“Is that how you felt about me? What I someone you just didn’t dislike? Jinta says you just wanted pretty company to take your mind off your work and shit, I think I agree with him.” She spat.
“That’s untrue. I like you.” He said. “I felt the same way as you did at one time. I loved your company because I got to live vicariously through your childhood, and… I loved you.”
Her chest felt a lot of weird things she couldn’t verbalize.
“Then why did you abandon me?” She croaked.
“I was afraid of… this. That you’d grow to miss being apart so much that you’d kill yourself for me.” He smiled sadly. “I supposed my efforts proved futile. Really, all I wanted to do preserve your natural life.”
She scowled. It sounded very Toushirou-like. She wondered just how founded his fears were.
“This wasn't for you. I killed myself because there's no prospects for me here. I have a skillset that's more useful for the Seireitei.” She told him.
“And how much of it was self-sabotage?”
She couldn't say.
“Is that all?” She asked. She was done with that conversation.
“You know it's not.” He thought too highly of her. She thought too lowly of him, it seemed. How time had skewed their perspective of each other.
“Then go on.”
Toushirou’s eyes flicked down to her limbs. “You're so skinny. I swear. When did you get so skinny? You used to have an enormous appetite. Nobody with your appetite can be so skinny.”
“I stopped playing soccer so I stopped working out. I just run now.”
Toushirou’s lips tightened and his eyes watered. “I'm sorry to hear that.” He cleared his throat. It was strange how she couldn't hear her own blood and barely heard her friends, but his voice was so clear and his heartache made her ache as well.
Toushirou shuddered as he sighed. “You're still very beautiful. You've always been so pretty and dignified, you know. I never stopped loving that about you.”
“But do you love me?”
Thus ensued another staring contest.
“At least care about me?” His silence hurt as much her first heartbreak, like a knife between her ribs.
“I'm trying to come up with something that's not going to end up becoming a corny speech. I'm not in the mood for the Shouten kids to find some other sore spot to prod at.”
“Perhaps a better question is if you want to… try again?” She said.
“Do you? You sounded so bitter moments ago, Ka-- Kurosaki. It gave me the impression that you hate my guts, at least as much as Tsumugiya and Hanakari. If I'm totally honest, I expected you to knock my teeth down my throat the second you saw me.” He said.
She dragged her hands down her face. Even in her death, everybody seemed fine to keep things from her. “Toushirou, just answer my fucking question.”
He nodded, as if he feared yet another heartbreak but by her that time.
She had considered it, at one time, but that was reality and those were daydreams.
She cleared the space between them in two strides. They wrapped themselves in each other. He felt like a blanket, like her bed, like the first day home after some long mission abroad.
Toushirou stood on his toes and kissed her like she was air and he was a man who nearly drowned.
“I'll get everything in order for you once we get to the Soul Society. I'll get you into the academy, I'll tutor you if I have to so you can catch up. I-if you don't want to stay with me, my sister would love to have you. Her husbands are a handful but they'd like you too. And you'll make a wonderful shinigami. You're driven and you're brilliant and---”
“Shut up and kiss me.” She sobbed. His lips peppered over her face as she squeezed him.
“Let’s go home first.” He said.
Yes, she thought as his hand slipped into her’s. Home.
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furederiko · 7 years ago
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Today is January 8th, and this is my first official post of the year 2018! NOTE: Because obviously that incidental late-night half-asleep New Year post did NOT count LOL
I'm going to kick-off the year with something Kyuranger related, but it's not about that explosive new episode that hit broadcast yesterday (in case you missed the note, there was no episode on December 31st). Something special instead: the Summer 2017 Movie "Kyuranger the Movie: Geth Indaver no Gyakushuu"! Here goes...
- Since a Super Sentai solo movie is usually double-billed with its Kamen Rider counterpart, the duration gets to be rather short. Particularly when compared to a season's Returns V-Cinema or Versus Movie. The same thing is happening to Kyuranger, as this August 5th, 2017 movie is clocked at only around 33:45 minutes (logo intro and the 01:35 ending dance included) having to share its theatrical running time with "Kamen Rider Ex-Aid the Movie: True Ending" (as seen on the trailer above). That is the reason why the chain of events have to immediately start with a bang... - By bang, that's literally! The intro showcases a galactic (and uncommonly hectic) spaceship battle between Kyuranger's Voyagers and a horde of Jark Matter fleet around the deadly Geth Star (a very obvious nod to a weapon with similar name in "Star Wars"). And more importantly, Commander Xiao Long Bao gets shot to a seeming demise by the story's major antagonist Geth Indaver (played by Ryou Tamura), who might or might not be homage to a famous Mandalorian. Don't look for any explanation on how or why Xiao is even aboard the planet-sized battleship, this movie demands us to just follow along. All we are privilege to know is that Geth Indaver wants to collide the Geth Star and Earth, just to obtain the Destroyer God Kerberos. - I believe the intro is meant to be a 'the plot thickens' twist right away. Unfortunately, in a way it feels nothing more than a mere petty ruse to give a sense of purpose to the team. If not to move forward the plot, of course. LOL. No really, when everyone in the ORION is looking sad and depressed prematurely coping the loss of Xiao, I'm rolling my eyes instead. Come on, does anyone actually believe this is happening for real? Remember the sci-fi death rulebook, if there's no corpse then death remains a huge question mark. Especially when we know for sure that Xiao is still safe and sound at least until episode 44 *grins*. NOTE: Seeing this through home video doesn't help either. However, the sequence might have been 'shocking' and worked differently had I seen it in the Summer as it was intended to. So I guess there's that. - Lucky gets a premature rousing (or intended to be one, at least) speech that they need to continue what Xiao would have wanted: not give up and try their best to save Earth. Thankfully, Raptor had conveniently able to tap on Xiao's conversation with Geth, and discovered Geth's ambitious goal. Stinger is well-informed about the myth surrounding his objective. Kerberos is a destroyer of planet that consists of three components/heads: Dober, Husky, and Bull. All of them are actual varieties of dogs, in case you're wondering. - Lucky realizes one easy logic: since Kerberos has the ability to destroy a planet, it will be able to strike down Geth Star as well. That means the Rebellion only needs to revive and take over Kerberos to basically save Earth. To do so, they require three sealed Kerberos Stones from the uncharted territories of Cerberus System. These items have to be acquired before Geth Star reaches Earth, which is only 72 hours away. Wait a sec... if the keys to summon Kerberos can be found in ANOTHER star system, what's the purpose of Geth Indaver's globe-shattering assault on Earth then? Hmmm... Trivia: Similar to Argo Navis, Cerberus is not part of the 88 Modern Constellation System. According to Wikipedia, Cerberus is a defunct or obsolete star system whose star members have since been included into the Constellation Herakles. Ironically, the creature used as a Constellation is NOT even the famous Three-headed Gatekeeper Dog of the Underworld. It's an entirely different three-headed SNAKE that the mythological hero defeated. I guess dogs sell better than snakes, huh? - Team sans Raptor nor any of the newer members splits up into three, and heads toward different locations. Lucky and Garu arrive on Planet Husky, and need to defeat one of Geth's men by the name Kaaru Indaver in a motorcycle racing match. Lucky utilizes the #62 Auriga Kyu Globe, and... turns Garu into one furry motorcycle. LOL. They equip Antlia Kyu Globe's power to outspeed Kaaru Indaver and secure the first red-colored Kerberos Stone. - Stinger, Champ, and Hammy arrive on the snowy Planet Bull, only to discover that it's a secret... Jark Matter MMA Tournament Stadium. Hey, I thought this Star System is supposed to be a dangerous place? Oh well, Taurus Black has to wrestle his way against gorrilla-esque Oumo Indaver to obtain the blue-colored Kerberos Stone. I guess this serves as a quick fan-service to those who has been eager to see Champ in his original occupation prior to becoming a Kyuranger. Naturally the Jark Matter cheats, so Scorpius Orange and Chamaeleon Green slashes into the ring (the latter uses Cancer Kyu Globe to tear the wires away) and join the fight. Things become a bit messy that Oumo Indaver gets the chance to run off with the prize. - Spada and the BN-Thieves land on Planet Dober and easily discover the yellow-colored Kerberos Stone in an unknown ruins. But there's a surprise welcoming party who snatches away the treasure right away: Geth Indaver himself! We learn that he's a rather... BAFFLING antagonist who conveniently and casually shares his true humanoid identity. No kidding, Geth is a former Rebellion soldier and old comrade of Xiao by the name of Hoi-pyon... I mean Hoi Korou. He was exiled due to his dark obsession towards Kerberos. - Geth Indaver demands the Husky Stone to be handed to him, naming Earth as the rendesvouz place. If you're wondering why he doesn't choose a much safer place, then you're not alone. Geth and his men are risking their own life to get crushed by their own Geth Star, right? *sigh*. With only one hour away from collision, the Kyurangers decide to just go all out and fight their way to protect the planet. - Look who decides to show up during the fight! Ursa Minor SkyBlue who immediately deploys his Ursa Major Kyu Globe to gain the upper hand. Where have you been throughout the first arc, Kotarou? And there are more surprises. Commander Xiao saves the day! Cue failed-dramatic moment. Well, duh?! Did anyone really think he's actually dead? Nope, because apparently another member encountered Xiao drifting in space just in time to rescue him. WHO? Duh? It's Tsurugi, of course! Seriously, everyone seems to have forgotten about him and Kotarou to the point that it genuinely annoys me... *grumble* - Tsurugi also plays a part to deal with the next threat: Keroberos, which has been revived by Geth Indaver. He instructs Leo Red to use the Herakles Kyu Globe (the movie's official promotional item) and... well, reenacting the myth by practically 'taming down' Keroberos. The act officially turns the mythical beast into... the spring-green-colored Cerberus Voyager and awakening its accompaniment #111 Cerberus Kyu Globe. He then utilizes the Kyu Globe to form the annual movie-only mecha Kerberios. NOTE: Cerberus Kyu Globe goes by the number 111. What's the point? Well... it's unconfirmed and pure speculation until now, but 111 can be read as 'ONE ONE ONE' or 'WAN WAN WAN' in Japanese spelling. Guess what the latter means? 'WOOF WOOF WOOF'. That's onomatopoeic of barking, in case you still don't get it. LOL. Kyuranger sure loves its puns. - As Gigant Phoenix deals with giant-sized Oumo Indaver, Draco Commander settles his feud once and for all with Geth Indaver. All the while, Kerberios tries desperately to take down Geth Star. Yep, it's a triple-sized parallel battle! Thanks to Garu's suggestion (clearly based on personal experience) and undoubtedly sheer luck, Leo Red uses Shining Kyu Globe's Lunar Mode to turn the mecha into gargantuan size. What for? To block the Geth Star from obliterating Earth. - Does it work? Well duh, should we even expect otherwise? It even rather surrealistically transform Earth into a giant Earth Kyu Globe that pushes the deadly weapon away. All enemies are destroyed, which means Earth has been saved and its civillian can freely... hug it out. As for the Kyurangers? They decide to release the Kerberos Stones to their original locations (what a waste of resource!) and... celebrate in a Japanese festival. You know, that fun yukata-filled Summer-only ending sequence (aired from episode 22 to episode 27) we've all known and loved!
Overall: So... that was, uhm, fine, I guess? To be honest, reviewing or giving personal impressions on Super Sentai Summer movies is generally a somewhat tricky affair for me. Aside from one or two notable exceptions (Abaranger's fan service spree, or Kyoryuger's genuinely thrilling big screen feature to name a few), most of them ventured in the realm of mediocrity to 'just okay' at best. Much of this was caused by the limited duration, the production staffs involved, and many other small things. In Kyuranger's case, it unfortunately fell on the underwhelm side despite the series' overwhelming success. This movie suffered through a very thin plot that ridiculously didn't quite make sense. I think even the most simpleton would easily wonder, why would Geth Indaver try to destroy Earth in the first place, when he's busy fighting INSIDE the planet? In general, the stakes felt poor despite the situation being of catastrophic scale. The plot was basically a rehash of TV series' repeated story pattern (collecting elements of a thingamajig), but condensed into one single run. That's why everything felt rushed! To put it worse, it didn't exude the usual fun aspects and charm of a broadcasted episode, because everything just felt strangely serious and surprisingly lacked a heart and soul. Even the almost full (just 11 members, minus Tsurugi) team transformation and roll call (which usually got flashier in movies) looked bland and... generic. The TV series has done better IMHO! Don't even get me started on that failed emotional angle with Xiao, or how Kotarou and Tsurugi were just sort of... 'there' only when the plot required them to. Similar to "Episode of Stinger" V-Cinema and its coupling web-series, the placement of this movie in the timeline/continuity is... a little difficult to pinpoint. Still, judging from what I saw, this likely took place after the clash of Reds has been cleared out (in episode 24), because Lucky and Tsurugi seemed to be in a good mood with one another. The ending sort of suggested that this was the team's final mission to liberate Earth, but I doubt it took place after the Time Travel arc. That's when they left to explore other Star Systems to search for Don Armage's whereabouts, right? Overall, it was still a watchable movie and had its fun moments too. But overall? It's definitely not among Kyuranger's best, plagued by obvious flaws there were just too distracting to ignore. This was just on par with the mediocre to good episodes, but still ranks better than "High School Wars". I actually expected better, but things don't always go along with what we want, do they? *sigh*. Here's hoping the upcoming (assuming both will be produced), Versus and/or Kyuranger Returns V-Cinema will make up for my disappointment... Next: Back to TV, to its 1st episode of 2018!
Overall Score: 7,5 out of 10
Visit THIS LINK to view a continuously updated listing of the Kyutama / Kyu Globes. Last Updated: December 29th, 2017 - Version 3.10. (WARNING: It might contain spoilers for future episodes)
Trailer used above is officially available through CINEMA NAVI Youtube Channel. "Uchu Sentai Kyuranger" is produced by TOEI, and airs every Sunday on TV-Asahi. Credits and copyrights belong to their respective owners.
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