#i have so many things to say ill just make a post dumping my thoughts later but ARGHHHHH

[always-a-joyful-note]

Things about Episode 12 that took my by surprise, spoilers to follow

They're all alive and well

For now

Even Wang Juan

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[nmakii]

Hey! So I saw your arcana event post (I'm not sure how it works) but I'd like to see what you'd think of platonic!Charlie and/or platonic! Lucifer where (Reader) is Charlie's sibling but they feel like they aren't appreciated as much and they feel resentment/Jealousy towards them. Because of that (Reader) doesn't really talk to them anymore and Charlie/Lucifer tries to find out why. Well, it doesn't have to be plantonic if you rather it be something else, I wouldn't mind.

Right, to get straight to the point, I'd like a segment inspired by the Judgement prompt. With either Charlie and Lucifer. Maybe it it starts it angst to fluff, but you're the writer, so whatever you're comfortable with. No pressure! You may feel free to move over with this idea.

YOU’RE LOSING ME - Judgement Upright & Reversed

— rekindling your bond with your father and sister, lucifer and charlie morningstar

— tags: gn!reader, small father husk x reader, alcohol, family jealousy, ill wishes, angst to fluff

— join in! the major arcana - decide your fate

as one of the heirs to the throne of hell, you’d worked your hardest to earn the respect of the sinners. commanding them with decisivness and elegance, often reminding many (especially your father) of your mother, lilith.

with your strong personality, lucifer hid himself in his private sector of the palace, doing who knows what in there until dinner came, in which he’d sit at the opposite side of the table. giving quick and quiet responses to your attempts at conversation.

and it’s because of that— the lack of excitement and conversation in the palace, that you decided to join your sister’s deluded dreams of redemption at her ‘Happy Hotel’.

in all honesty, the hotel was not too shabby at all. minimal pests thanks to the housekeeper, niffty; generally cozy decor provided by the radio demon himself; and decent drinks provided by husk the bartender

the only real thing that kept you from truly enjoying the hotel was charlie herself. it was true, you loved charlie and would do anything to make her happy, even if it meant saying something you didn’t believe was true. but, the difference in the ways everyone treated her and you!

everyone treated her like a leader, albeit the occasional poke at her convincing skills. not to mention the amount of blind faith that vaggie and alastor put in her, pushing themself to their emotional limits and fulfilling bizarre requests just to see her succeed. in turn, they treated you like an old pal and attempting to befriend you, don’t they see you as charlie’s equal?

it was never a thought you’d ever dare to say out loud; but, at times you wished she’d cease to exist, or even never existed at all. if she wasnt here, no one would compare you two anymore.

your resentment grew by the time charlie had invited your father to the hotel. standing on the sidelines as lucifer did his best to prove to charlie he was much more helpful than alastor.

“dad— um, maybe you’d want me to give you a tour around the hotel? i could show you around, i practically know it like the back of my hand!” you grinned, trying to impress him. lucifer glared at alastor before turning to face you softly and responding, “my dear, i think it’d be better if charlie was the one to give me a tour!”

you noticed that lucifer was glaring at alastor, so you had tried your best not to take it to heart. “oh… alright, dad” you bared a forced smile. don’t think though for a second that your father didn’t notice. his spiteful grin fell as he saw the disappointment on your face. though, as much as he wanted to say something about it, he was too much of a coward to say anything about it.

as lucifer, charlie and alastor left to their tour, you sat down at the bar, husk noticing your sullen mood, mixing you an ‘el diablo’, quite ironic. “now what’s got you so down in the dumps, ah? got some daddy issues?” he smiled softly at you, leaning over the bar counter to listen, tuning out whatever nonsense mimzy was spouting. quite different from the usual grumpy cat. “what are you on about? i don’t… have daddy issues” you scowled as husk poured the crimson drink into a tall glass. “really now?” he raised an eyebrow. “well… whatever shit you’ve got going on, you gotta face it head on, instead of shoving it down. trust me, i’ve been in your shoes before” he smiled as he shook the hair on your head. “look… i gotta go do something for a second, just… sit tight, got it?” he said as you nodded before leaving the counter to who knows where.

halfway to the end of the glass, a bang struck out, resonating through the entire hotel. “oh, shit…” mimzy cursed out as she hid behind the counter. those minutes were a blur, ignoring the world surrounding, engulfed by husk’s words. “whatever you’re going through, you have to face it head on.” you frowned, the tequila clouding your thoughts.

you turned your back to see lucifer gripping charlies back in a loving hug. your eyes narrowed in on them, rolling them as you snarl. lucifer heard, slowly letting go of charlie before walking to you, cupping your back, spine hunched on the counter.

“hey, kiddo… what’s gotcha looking so pissed..?” he asked awkwardly, most likely aware of the source for you hate. “what does charlie have that… what makes her so much better than me?” your lip trembled, tears threatening to fall out before overflowing down your cheeks.

your dad and charlie listened to your insecurities, as well as looking in hindsight at the events of today. guilt growing in the pit of his stomach, he turned the stool to face him as he embraced you in a warm hug, stroking you back softly as charlie joined from behind.

“kiddo… im so sorry if i ever made you feel like you werent good enough. i…i just got so happy that i got to see you two again. i guess i also got too caught up in trying to help with the hotel, i overlooked you and im sorry. i never meant to do that, could you find it in your precious heart to forgive your old man?” his eyes softening as he kissed the top of your head.

charlie spoke up too “im sorry too… i got too focused on trying to prove that the hotel works, i didnt even think that you probably want to spend time with dad too…” she pouted. as her grip on you tightened. “it’s okay, let’s just promise to be more open with each other… you two are the only family i’ve got left now that mom’s disappeared…” you smiled, arms wrapping around your father and sister.

[lains-reality]

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

[arandomnerd810]

TADC EP 2 SPOILERS

putting down all my thoughts and stuff i’ve noticed lets gooo

AAAAAAAAAGDEKNSQKDFUNFSIDANIVUFDN OMG IT WAS SO CUTEEEEHKQVSHKUHSQDFKHSDF I LOVED IT SO MUCHHH

i’m gonna speak in periods for the first paragraph since it’s very long but do not get me wrong i don’t wana be serious sounding it’s just to make these paragraphs more readable excuse the rambling

Caine posting section cause he’s my special intrest

satisfaction Caine wise 10/10

first the elephant in the room as Caine’s #1 fan yep still his number one fan! Serial Designation N killed tons of people yet nobody in the fandom cares, and Caine doesn’t get people well so he had no ill intention. rlly my opinion of him has not changed he’s still my silly lil goober no matter what he does. i’ve always known he will do horrible things and been expecting this to happen ever since Pomni gave the idea to bring him to the circus. Gummigoo had a sir pentious like death so i wouldn’t be surprised if we see him again.

he may be an asshole but he’s my asshole ❤️❤️

now that that’s out of the way a little glimpse of Caine angst is all i could have asked for in this ep 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 like cmon everyone has to agree insecure much?

Caine posting over cause my god have i gotten more attached to everyone else aswell! (ofc Caine’s still my fav by far)

satisfaction with everything else 10/10

the fact that this wasn’t censored normally (no wacky sounds or the censor bar) and how Caine reacted with “you can’t say that…” could imply bubble said all of this out loud uncensored which is very funny to me

I love Ragatha she’s so sweet look at her ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I wana see where everyone’s friendship goes from here! they are already so adorableeee

still a sucker for found family dynamics

the fact Jax wasn’t here but still was upset is :( as much as i like to bully him, i love him just as much as any other human character. i’m the most interested in his episode cause he’s a mysterious guy( and i may or may not have a sneaking feeling like ill relate to him a little even though our personalities are practically polar opposite)

Kinger is so fatherly auughofewhiuhefvw the fact he’s old enough to have kids and is more likely than not married to Queenie imagine he had kids before coming here they would only be in like middle school ish cause he’s not even that old that’s sad af

GANGLE COLLECTS ANIME FIGURESSSS!! SHES JUST LIKE ME FRRR!

this really makes me want to buy the gangle plushie i’m thinking i’m gonna do it lmaooo

the fact she started crying 😭😭

Zooble wasn’t taking part in the adventure cause they were setting up Kaufmo’s graveee i love him sm

GANGLE ART!!

It’s really funny how chilled out Bubble was here

merch talk timeeee

sneak peaks of the rooms mayhaps?

Let’s just hope there’s only memes around it and not another figure incident….

welp going onto grab the Gangle plushie i’ve decided

real talk i’m actually happy TADC got so popular cause ive made a friend through it already and strengthened old ones since info dumping is the only form of communication my braincells can handle well lmaooo it’s crazy how many of my friends have decided to watch my special interest

[dervampireprince]

Hi prince :3 would you ever like consider making audios with listener having explicit mental illnesses? Like .. autism, did, etc . （＾＿＾）also ,, might become a patreon this month !!!!!!!!

I've thought about, I've made ones where the speaker has autism or DID, but not ones where the listener does mostly for two reasons,

1. my audios are based off my patreon requests and i either haven't had requests for these, or i can only do so many requests per month and there's others i'm drawn too more

2. worry about acutely portraying mental illnesses, especially of its ones i don't have. even with having voiced eg marc spector who has DID, I've never done an audio where he wants confort for having DID because that doesn't feel right for me to make. i have had and turned down before request/s for an autistic listener having a meltdown because i have no idea what to do for that audio as for me personally when im having a meltdown the last thing i need is someone talking to me trying to comfort me, I need to be left on my own so I have no idea what to say in an audio trying to comfort someone in that situation when I wouldn't want anyone to say anything to me, hope that makes sense.

Of course everyone's free to imagine themselves as any of the listener characters in my audios including the listener character having whatever mental illnesses you have. I hope the audios always sound inclusive to that, I know I try and mention things in comfort audios like panic attack/regression ones like asking if the listener is able to talk, saying its okay if they can't (alluding to them potentially having a verbal shutdown) , and so i hope people know any listener character is there to be like you and if you imagine the listener character has any mental illnesses you're welcome too.

Making a comfort audio for someone else's mental illness feels like a big weight on me in terms 'what if I get some wrong? What if I say something in the audio that makes whoever listening with this mental illness feel worse or panic or triggered' and that fear makes it too scary for me to have made any audios for mental illnesses and I don't have. And for ones that I do, not everyone experiences then the same way, autism is a spectrum and I don't want to say an autistic listener character acts one way and then thr requester or people in the comments be upset because that's not true of how they act.

For some mental illnesses and mental health topics I won't make audios on as they're too serious and/or triggering and those are listed in my audio request guide post (link is in pinned post).

And some people not understanding that I'm not their therapist, that they should not vent or trauma dump on me in requests is part of the reason why i closed commissions ages ago. It just got far too stressful to have people asking for comfort audios for very serious and triggering topics.

Tldr: So I don't know, sorry this answer got long, I just wanted to get all my thoughts about it out. I dont know if I will make audios with explicitly mentally ill listeners (other than panic attack comfort audios) as I don't want to risk generalising any mental illnesses, and I get too anxious and stressed worrying about if ill say the wrong thing and someone listener who's in a vulnerable state will feel worse for it. But my audios are always inclusive to people with autism, adhd, DID/osdd, and other mentally illnesses and its always fine to interpret the listener character as having those mental illnesses as they're supposed to be able to be anyone who is listening

[caseythebunnyboy]

! MINORS, HOMO/TRANSPHOBES, TERFS/RADFEM, PRO-ANA, DETRANS/MISGENDER KINK, STRAIGHT MEN, STRAIGHT WOMEN & LESBIAN ONLY BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT !

!! WARNING !! this blog will contain hardcore kinks. please don't scroll through my blog if you are sensitive to these things, prioritize yourself.

hello, my name is casey! iam an 18 y/o, 5'4, south-east asian trans boy (he/him exclusively) that is going to be running this tumblr blog! im a bottom switch, which means that i prefer to be the one getting penetrated, but i can be both dom and/or sub while doing so.

taken emoji anons: 🗝️ || 🚂 || 🧸 || 🍅 || 👁️ || 🐺 || 🐦 || 🏹 || 🥀 || 🍡 || 🎸 || 👑🖤 ||

what i will be posting: mainly kinky text posts, nsfw art of myself, and sometimes ill show off my body in a nice outfit when im feeling more confident!

rules & info:

if you cross my boundaries 3 times, i will block you, no exceptions. depending on the severity of the crossing, i might block you instantly with no second chances.

if your blog makes me uncomfortable or i get a bad feeling from it, im blocking you.

sexting and roleplaying with me in my dms is allowed, but i will not send photos to you in dms! i dont feel comfortable doing that. so only strictly texting! i am fine with people sending me videos and photos though, but it depends on what you'll send me.

atleast say hi before chatting me, had someone say "worthless cunt" as their first dm and i blocked them lmao, its not hot to me. greeting me first would be nice.

if you are going to sext and/or rp with me, please keep my kink and no-no lists in mind, i have boundaries too.

only those that arent women and arent exclusively attracted to only women are allowed to sext with me. sorry to the women out there who wanted to, but im not attracted to you... but im sure you're still very pretty, and theres many other people who'd want to chat with you!

what to call my genitals: cock, dick, boy cunt, cunt, cunny, boypussy, bunny pussy, wet hole, front hole, little/small/tight hole, needy hole, bunny hole! (please dont call it a vagina, clit or just "pussy" by itself. only calling it a "pussy" without my preferred additions is something i can excuse sometimes, but i dont like it. vagina and clit will get u straight up blocked.)

what to call my chest area: chest. thats it. if you call it tits, boobs, or anything like that i will block you. even if you say "boy tits" or "man boobs" you are still getting blocked. its either you only refer to it as a chest or you never refer to it at all.

inbox and asks are always open! please send me threats of what you'll do to me if you find me, what you want to do to me, and if you got off to anything i post 💜

my kinks: cnc, somno, teacher/student, power imbalance/dynamic, roleplaying, voice kink, degrading and/or praising me, dry humping/grinding, humiliation, free use, gangbang, overstim, edging, orgasm control/denial, impact play, begging, namecalling, pet play, watersports, monsterfucking, tentacles, breeding (no preg, makes me dysphoric), creampie (also no preg, same reason), cum dump, bondage, shibari, being punished, manhandling, size kink, treating me like your toy, making me into a sex slave, being protective/possessive, dumbification, claiming, jealous/angry sex, rough sex, and teasing. (theres prob alot more but theres so many that i forget lol)

kinks that are hard no's: feet, knife/gunplay, feeder/feedee, ed, choking, scat, vomit, age play, misgendering kink, detrans kink, calling me any term mainly used for women (good girl, queen, princess, babygirl, using she/her for me), drug play, bioessentialism, pregnancy, forced feminization, and gore.

things i like being called: baby boy, bunny boy, little bunny, little boy, cunt boy, bunny, bun bun

tags: #casey ★ grumbling for little (often nsfw) text posts/rambles/thoughts that i dont think are interesting enough to be in other tags, #casey ★ mumbling for text posts, #casey ★ answering for ask posts, #casey ★ doodling for drawings, #casey ★ peeking for body pictures, #casey ★ speaking for important announcements/posts, and #casey ★ sharing for reblogs!

also! this is all a fantasy, i do not actually want this to happen to me. consent and safety is very important in kink, sex and bdsm. i do not condone these actions being done unconsensually.

thats all! i hope my blog can make your dicks throb 💜

[ratcandy]

(Sending this in an ask so I don't spam you with four different comments on your disability post. 💀 No need to reply. Just getting this out there.)

*dumps*

I'm seriously dealing with this right now.

Working on a fic with a potentially disabled robot character. It's not explicitly stated in game, but it is implied.

As a chronically ill person, I really want to lean into it, explore it, and show that the character is loveable and awesome as a disabled person. That there's more to him than what's disabling him without minimizing the impact it has on his life. Because I would want that to be said about me.

But like. He's a robot.

There's no resources available to fix him (LITERALLY fix him. As a robot) where he's located, so his disability is plausible in-game. But if I'm exploring what happens after, where he leaves his current location, the thought of fixing him comes up. There'd probably be resources available in this other place.

I don't want to fix him. I think it would send the wrong message. But also. Not fixing him might send a wrong message too. It might put blame on him, by making it where the only thing keeping him from getting "better" is himself, you know? Implying that he would get "better" if he just let himself get better.

I would really hate for that to be the takeaway from the fic. It's a really crappy way of thinking, and I've had to face similar accusations myself.

So I'm in a bit of an uncanny valley right now.. Not sure what to do about it.

Excuse me for the ramble. I just think it's neat that you posted this when I started really focusing on the issue. Is this a sign. What does it mean for me.

Anyway. The disability removal trope in media has always rubbed me the wrong way with its harmful implications, and it's uncomfortably common. :( Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Okay I'm done. Thanks.

I saw this ask, looked up from my phone in deep thought, went on a whole spiel out loud about it, and then promptly forgot it came from an ask buT I"M HERE NOW, and I wiLL reply because. I think I could maybe offer some thoughts

...And it turns out I have Many Thoughts.

I don't know this robot character you're messing with or to what extent he'd "need" repairs, but I feel there's a few easy questions to ask first before you could decide whether it's a good option for the story! Better, have him Himself grapple with these questions and allow him agency in the decision (aka: Whatever you do, don't force it on him sdhgk)

Since I don't know what disability this robot's got, let's just say he's got an arm that's totally dead. Just can't be used. But just popping it off wouldn't be easy due to the mechanics going on, and perhaps the damage goes further than just the arm.

He's already learned to adapt to how that arm sits. He's learned to balance with the weight of it, knows how to avoid bumping it into things, is totally accustomed to just using one arm.

Now, suddenly, he's in a situation with high-tech engineers who could replace that arm no problem and make it work just as it always did.

Now he's got to ask himself,

"Do I want to?" I mean, obvious question, but really. If he's totally happy with how he lives, not despite his disability but just With It, then what would necessarily be the point of going through a whole procedure? And even if he's not totally happy, but only mildly inconvenienced at best now that he's adapted, is going through with a Robot Surgery and all the struggles of adapting with a new arm worth it?

"Would I be able to adapt to having two arms again?" Depending on how long he's had his disability for, this could be amplified by a lot. If it's been almost his entire life with the disability, having another arm again would be almost totally foreign. He'd have to re-balance himself without the weight, get used to the feeling of electricity circulating on that side of him, learn how to control that arm again, go through whatever the robot equivalent of physical therapy is, and that's IF the arm replacement goes 100% right. Which is another thing...

"What's the chance that the replacement doesn't work?" Assuming he's not given a perfect solution that just will totally work no questions asked, there's always a chance it just won't work. The body may not accept a new arm, the damage may have spread too far and any replacements would have to go further than just the arm, and would he be comfortable with that? And what if it not only doesn't work, but instead makes it worse? Would jamming a new arm into a damaged socket just spread the damage further?

If you want to lean real far into the robot aspect, have an existential crisis but Ship of Theseus style, especially if there's a lot of integral parts that would need repairs. Yknow, the whole "if I replace all the parts of a ship, is it still the same ship?" but in this case, Robot.

Also, from a writer perspective... one of the reasons suddenly curing a disability is seen is Not Great is especially notable in cases where the disability was caused by an injury (as opposed to being born with it). Because then there's likely trauma attached to it. There's trauma that the person/character has had to work through, accept, and learn to move on with. And that's not easy, especially depending on the severity of the disability.

And once they've gone on that journey to live with and embrace their disability, gone through the massive life changes and mental adjustments that are required to proceed with life, suddenly providing a cure will make that journey seem... like it had moot point, kind of.

It'd be like. I dunno, say Character A's ancestor did a bad thing. And they spend the whole story grappling with that bad thing their ancestor did that they had no control over. Near the end of the story they learn to accept it, vow to be better than that ancestor, whatever. Only for the story to end by going "Surprise! That ancestor never did it at all, they were framed! Your bloodline is innocent! Hurray!"

Does that make sense? Suddenly there was no point to any of that. It damages the story As Well as having less than ideal implications.

ANd my last point ....... About the "the only thing keeping him from getting 'better' is himself, you know? Implying that he would get 'better' if he just let himself get better."

I mean... putting aside any implication that being disabled is somehow "lesser" than not being disabled, as I doubt that was your intention,

Again, it mostly depends on the extent of the disability. Is he gonna die without it being fixed? Is he in utterly horrific agony that he's screaming about the entire time while the button for a cure is in front of his face?

Because even THEN, "how will I manage when suddenly NOT disabled" is a question that's gotta be asked and addressed. It might be the totally reasonable decision to have him take a cure, but the Ramifications of sudden curing have gotta be acknowledged, especially if he's been disabled for a while.

Is he choosing to hurt for the sake of hurting, or is it due to being scared/uncertain of what a life not hurting looks like?

OR, if this disability hardly bothers him, then... like. Again. It would make sense to NOT want to go through all the steps to get it repaired if it could just cause more problems. Say it's as something as small as an annoying twitch. Like, say his hands twitch a lot, perhaps even shake. But he's used to it. It's been years and it's just part of how he is now. He doesn't necessarily care to get it fixed, because it's... just part of him. At that point, it'd just be weird to see him as "keeping himself from getting better," because he's... fine? Relatively?

I dunno. For that question I guess it mostly depends on Is He Happy Right Now/is he content with his disability already. Because yea, if he is content, like... who cares if he doesn't fix it. Even if it's more severe like the whole non-functioning arm idea I mentioned earlier. Or hell maybe he's totally paralyzed! Hasn't walked for years! Found other means of mobility and has learned to adapt to it! Is totally happy while being paralyzed! Not mentioning how complicated the ''adapting to suddenly not being disabled anymore'' becomes with something as complex as that If he doesn't mind it too much, then.......... why go through all that trouble if he's Fine, right? Who is being hurt by that?

anyway. That was a really long post. I hope my rambles??? Help you at all with that?? I mean like I said in my original post there can be totally innocent reasons to "cure" a disability in a story, it just has to be handled with care and sensitivity. Give the character some amount of agency in it!

...yknow, like. So long as you're not going down the "i'm so miserable with my disability it's either i get cured or i die" route. because . u know. I don't need to explain why that's not great hopefully sdghKSLJDGH

OK ENOUGH RAMBLING!!!!!!! this gave me many thoughts about robot disability, something I do not typically think about

[kozykricket]

big minecraft & terraria thoughtdump

just gonna say, exploration/basing/traversal/whatever in minecraft is a complex topic, because of how many differing views there are on how much travel should even be necessary and its really freakin hard to think about in an INFINITE WORLD as well. big random thought dump time

like i think terraria does the gameplay of exploration better than minecraft ever has or will do it, and thats fine its just because of what terrarias designed after

ah right i have an idea for a post on me having maybe possibly figured out why i like when terraria makes me go on sidequests to biomes vs i dont like when mc does that (its probably mostly bc i view terraria as an exploration game, and also most of the rewards are just relevant to the core gameplay loop, and. well. its a careful balance. locking some qol behind certain things is cool, but sometimes its too much. either way i know vanilla terraria does it greatly) anyways, i think minecrafts in a weird spot but . i do think more unique ore, animal, and hostile mob distribution in biomes... would help increase the desire for players to do stuff outside of just their home base. to actually have more wildly different biomes with outposts at them especially if like, crops grew faster or animals had shorter breeding cooldowns in the "right" biomes but the issue there is like. god i dont care how nice it can be to make paths, i am NOT making infrastructure to anywhere further than like 300 blocks away from my general base area. that'd just get a bit frustrating but also minecrafts kinda. for that? its made for that? idk i also feel like i have a lot i could say on When Tedium is Good vs When Its Bad in games i play a lotta tedious games but theyre like, enjoyable tedium . then theres adding qol to reduce that Fun Tedium is kinda... saddening (calamity m od reference) but adding qol to reduce tedium that really isnt interesting gameplay to anyone is like, yea thats good so i think qol is a careful thing to balance but i think mc needs more qol tbhh. stuff like how we got editing signs in 1.20

um. what else... i just think like. minecraft exploration is weird because ill see something really cool thats far away and itll be like "woah! thats so cool (imagines building something awesome there) well anyways. never gonna come back here" and sometimes the world can get kinda repetitive to the point you just Run Through it. not really any small interesting things to grab along a journey. its gotta either be a significant structure you end up finding (which can end up being either a giant big side adventure which is cool but. i might not wanna commit to that. or its just a desert temple aka a 1 minute excursion where like, why did i even have to do any of this) i think terraria underground exploration nails it with more stuff than just ores, like life crystals and simple cabins with loot. they feel nice to find but then again. i dont wanna ALSO overanalyze whyi love terraria. ive already done that for minecraft and its both a blessing and a curse ill just say i love npc happiness, i love exploration, i love everything terraria has. except master mode and i love many things in minecraft, but i will always be a birdnester. i want to bring everything home with me. even though i think the game should prooobably design around reducing birdnesting just because like, the modern game is Definitely designed around exploration clearly ...i could make a whole post on the differences of the Vibes and Goals of modern mc vs old mc kinda tempted to wonder how many things id change about modern mc to keep all of its features but make it feel like old mc in a way. like, okay, i'd make stuff like frogs and sniffers far less animated. id make things in general feel less intentionally designed.. this post is long. im just gonna stop it here

[polyamorouspunk]

So I (24, nonbinary) have been casually seeing this guy (38) that I've know for quite some time; I lost my virginity to him and it was fun and easy and honestly things had been great.

And then I was a little bit too high and confessed that I love him and he was super sweet in the moment and just held me and told me he's not comfortable saying the same because he's not sure

That was a couple weeks ago, the last time I spent the weekend. A few days ago I asked if he wanted to hang out again soon, but he didn't respond until today. He had a lot going on and also had to put his thoughts in coherent order, which I can respect. But reading his texts this morning has fucked up my whole day.

He's been really gentle in trying to let me down easy, I know he's still fucked up over his last relationship, and he's got two kids (both under 16) to think about; not to mention that I know he's worried about the age gap (he mentioned that I have so many possibilities ahead of me and I wanted to throw my phone).

I've got issues so I'm taking it really hard. Like this is definitely something I expected and yet I'm still super hurt. I don't really have anyone I'm comfortable talking about this with, and I'm sorry for dumping it all on you but I saw your little sleepover post and I could honestly use a hug and some positive vibes right now.

Okay okay okay so I know you know this is a LOT to unpack.

Mkay so I am 24 also (hi) some form of not cis (hi) and do have a crush on someone a fair bit older than me (33, not 38 though).

I love the idea of being with older men. The last guy I was seeing was 2 years older than me so like 26 now. Loved it. Love when older guys are interested in me. He was also going through a divorce and his son had just been born. It was a lot. I liveblogged the whole thing on here.

Dating older men comes with issues like that. And I have bpd so as soon as I FP someone yeah I’m instantly in love with them.

Dating older men can be hard when they say things about your future and shit like that- and I GET it, like it IS good advice even if you don’t want to hear it. I mean, when WE were under 16 how many people gave US good advice we didn’t want to hear at the time.

It sucks when you fuck up a good thing you had by confessing that you’re in love with someone who is not mutually in love with you. It reeeeally fucking sucks. Because either you hold that inside of you and you push it down and push it down and push it down, or you finally release it, let it go, and it fucks everything up.

There is no reason for you not to be hurt/upset about it even if you did expect it. Grieve. Let yourself grieve. Come into my inbox and dump all of this on me. Let people around you help you heal. Let me send you some love. I am holding your hand. I am telling you to some degree I have been there. To some degree I am there. And I know it gets better. Some day you’ll be like me, and you’ll be driving to work, and you’ll put on a new Fall Out Boy album that just came out, and you’ll cry, and you’ll realize through all the bad things, through all the shit and the hurt, this is why you stayed alive. You lived to be 23 so that you can hear Fall Out Boy put out new music.

And then you’ll be 24 and you’ll meet someone and they’ll change your world. And you think about how amazing it is that someone like this touched your life in some way, and that you can touch yours back. And you’ll meet up with old friends and make new ones.

And we’re so young, we’re SO young. It’s fucking wild to imagine this year (or next year) we’ll be half way to 50. That’s batshit insane. But like oh my god. The healing process that I’m going through is beautiful. Sure, there is a lot of stress. I’m failing the last class I need to graduate. My job stress is through the roof. I’m chronically ill. But outside of that I truly am continuing to live my best life every day.

I don’t know if you plan to try and keep on seeing him casually or if this really is the end for you. Either way this is just a bump in the road. 38 is so young too. We’re going to be okay. It’s a bad day. It’s gonna be a bad week. It might even be a bad month. Hell it might even be a bad year. But goddamn it if they don’t mean it when they say it’s not a bad life. It’s supposed to be almost 70 later today. I’m going to go work outside in the sun. My heartbreaks can’t stop me from creating art that I love. I saw a butterfly yesterday. Life is beautiful. Love is beautiful. Emotions are messy. They are disgusting. I hate them. But they’re poetic too.

Hell maybe this is all some Kumbaya bullshit I’m spouting. Idk. But I believe it. I really do. It takes work to believe in this shit. But it feels so much better when you do. Probably why cults work so well. Anyway!

It’s amazing that you got a chance to be with someone who is 38! I hope you look back on it fondly in a few years. And if you don’t then you’ll look back on yourself with kind eyes and think that at least in that moment you were happy and felt like it was what was best for you.

[thee-morrigan]

now that I've had a couple of days to go through SEVERAL stages of mental illness about book 3, I have…Some Thoughts. about the book in general and specifically about N's route, as so far that's the only one in which I've gone through most (if not all) of the interaction variations (yes, I have approximately 83253 tabs open rn. I told y'all I'm being very unwell about this). I've played through M's route several times so far too, but there were fewer standout "wait, what?" moments for me in that route tbh 🥴

below the cut: the peer review nobody asked for! (and my sincerest apologies lmao)

I really need Mishka to hire professional copy editors for these books, y'all. There are grammar/syntax errors that just. shouldn't be there. (and I don't even mean the nitpicky ones that I'm super anal about! I mean ones like using 'stationary' when you mean 'stationery'.)

somewhat related to the above bullet, I hope the testing period for book 4 is a lot longer than it was for book 3. there are some inconsistencies in the narrative that I suspect would have been caught if there'd been more time between the beta testing and the book being sent to HG.

for example, if you trigger the sex scene options in N's combat route, there is at least one errant reference to the feel of denim when like. you're both in workout clothes (and there is significant time spent describing both N's and the MC's outfits!). ALSO, when you go back inside for the debriefing with UB, F & M tease N about their jeans being unzipped when, again: there were no jeans or zippers involved. It's a funny scene after the equivalent research options, but it makes no sense post-combat ones without editing for attire differences.

while I'm thinking about the research scene on N's route, the fact that the MC can confess their love and N flat out says NOTHING in response??? just immediately jumps to gettin' busy despite the MC explicitly asking them to say something in response??? what will probably be Holland's canon route is fine, because the combat path has a "scared by own feelings" choice and you know homegirl immediately tried to yeet herself out of that potential conversation bc they've been dating for all of 30 seconds at this point. BUT knowing that that path was fine bc it happened to fit my OC honestly just made me more annoyed for anyone playing with a different/more emotionally mature/open detective. because going through the "i love you" options in the research scene especially were disappointing.

again, related to the above, the narrative inconsistencies (and the bulky plot) made the pacing often feel inconsistent. there were so many moving pieces and story beats that a lot of scenes felt either rushed (without seeming like that pace was tonally/narratively appropriate) or unnecessarily truncated. I also felt like there were a lot of points of abrupt info-dumping that was clearly meant to give background info on UB/other characters/plotpoints but ended up feeling inorganic/unnatural in terms of actual relationship-building. or, alternatively, like it was meant to build to a resolution point later in the book that just never happened.

for example: the whole post-Unit Victor scene where your LI shares some of their past with you. It didn't feel quite as abrupt/odd in my M route playthroughs, but the flow was JARRING for me in N's. And the abrupt end to that scene is never revisited. like, I understand the conversation maybe not coming up again, but for neither of them to even linger on what were presumably heavy emotional topics or think about it again at what could have been relevant points throughout the book seemed to dilute what I assume was meant to be an important scene.

speaking of things that are basically not revisited when they really should be, if N's overprotectiveness is going to continue to be a defining trait and the MC can continue to be explicitly bothered by it, I am begging for book 4 to let them have an uninterrupted, private conversation about it - particularly after the whole "I don't know how this is going to work" scene after the auction. because if this is how it already is and there are 4 more books, their relationship is going to be so (much more) unhealthy.

a more positive note! I did think it was ~interesting to see the juxtaposition of N's constant over-the-top "romantic gestures/sentiments" schtick against the responses you can get when you invite them to dinner but choose either the "you don't have to go if you would be uncomfortable" or "I'll call it off if you're not feeling it" option. with the former, N's response is that relationships are doing things for the other person/doing things they want to do, and they seem genuinely baffled when the detective immediately disagrees. with the latter, they seem equally surprised at the detective's willingness to ditch dinner for them. it's a brief thing, but both of their potential responses give the impression that N's perception of those statements is disproportionate to their actual significance. I mean. it's a dinner party that the detective almost forgot about entirely. clearly they don't give a shit about rescheduling/going alone. moreover, towards the end of the book, N explicitly worries about not "being enough" for the MC. for whatever reason, N clearly seems to think they're like, constantly on the verge of losing the detective in a different way than they worry about losing them to the neverending string of external threats, and I do hope it's meant to be the foreshadowing I think it is.

[adambja]

Hi Adam

I don't know why I'm telling you this to be honest hehe,but as my fav blogger I want to ask you for advice.

So I discovered the law last two years and for 8 months I tried using subliminals each one month but no matter how hard I stuck to one subliminal it never gave me results.

Then last year I read motivation on loa and all in other bloggers post but I never manifested anything no matter how hard I tried,I tried to be the creator of my reality,I pretended to be living my dream life even though I was broke asf and my family was suffering,ppl called me stupid but I didn't care,even when I never got results I believed it would come soon,I literally kept convincing myself for a year,I worked so hard but nothing happened,I never Manifested anything,and then I heard about the void state,I didn't believed in it but then I saw success stories and I believed it immensely,I thought there's still hope for me,for months I suffered but I pushed through and tried to get into the void state every day and every night,I worked on my self concept,I applied the law in every way but then nothing happened and then my dad fell ill,I was worried and I kept affirming to manifest his health,I affirmed in tears and I was fed up.i wanted to pay you for a custom tape because I thought it might help me but then I had no cent on me,so I could only keep affirming and affirming but nothing happened and then my mum died,she couldn't keep up with all of these,I had no siblings so yeah,then the dad died too.but I still didn't give up I didn't want to but it's useless,right now when I see any blogger giving ppl motivation,it annoys the hell outta me,I know I might be wrong but the law never helped me so now I'm gonna be sent to an orphanage home tomorrow in which girls are constantly molested each time,I literally pass by and see guys trying to touch them and I don't wanna go there please I need your advice,I'm tired of all these you are the creator speeches it's annoying to be honest,I wouldn't say I didn't try enough because I did extremely well,my phone is the only thing supporting me right now pls I need you to tell me what to do,it was my dad's gift to me on Christmas,he worked so hard to buy me one.ive tried every method possible

Most of y'all think you've had it bad??? I've faced worse,I don't even have access to my own house because of my fucking family members y'all give up immediately you try something

I tried for over 2 years but I never got anywhere and I need help,I'm going insane,if there's anything you can do to help me please do if there isn't then it's okay

First of all

My name isn't Adam it's adambja baby it's A GIRL HERE AND THIS IS WHAT I CALL A TRAUMA DUMPING THAT'S it

I didn't read anything because I am about to sleep I am so tired but you are welcome to talk to me privately and we will see

I understand your frustration and all your feelings and all this anger about some bloggers here saying the same repeated things over and over!

It's not my responsibility either cause I am not even like them hopefully I helped a lot of people here!

But when you send me a message make sure you tell me about what you want from the tapes if you are gonna buy them BECAUSE I DON'T MAKE CUSTOM TAPES FOR FREE you gave me your whole life thing how would I even help you if you aren't paying me for your personalized tape or coaching!!!!

I CAN LITERALLY HELP YOU IN ONE MONTH WITHOUT ANY VOID SH IN YOUR NORMAL PHYSICAL REALITY I DID HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HAD THE WORST SITUATIONS YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE!

This is the issue here guys

This is MY ISSUE okay? Stop trauma dumping instead tell me WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN!!! NOT WHAT HAPPENED CAUSE IDGAF ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED I AM HERE TO MAKE YOUR NEW REALITY HAPPEN

Again the old story MUST BE DEAD!

Also baby you need tapes NOT TALK NOT WORDS YOU NEED TO REWIRE YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

How SHOULD I MAKE THE OLD STORY DEAD, ADAMBJA?

Just tapes THAT'S WHY I AM MAKING TAPES WITH BENEFITS ITS BETTER IN MANY WAYS

And that's what I am originally a coach for!

[janokenmun]

hell yeah pinned post time

basically i will post about: Whatever I Feel Like

if we're mutuals send me a dm and i might (not guaranteed) send u my discord so we can keep in contact in case site go explodey

cw: venty mental health stuff, relationship stuff, nsfw stuff, wack and hard kinks (also this blog uses unconventional nsfw tags! see below for details)

this may include:

-toki pona -english posts with toki pona translations -noitaposting -venty stuff (esp. relationship stuff) -hornyposts (filterable; see below) -non-venty relationshipy posts -rats -way too many memes -whatever randomass thoughts are on my mind at any given time -any brain contents i havent dumped on my friends already

feel free to dm im open to making new friends also feel free to send asks! also also please tell me if i rb something from a terf or otherwise-problematic person, BUT PLEASE LINK THE POST!!!!!! i rb like hundreds of things a day and i don't have the energy to filter through everything ive posted in the past day to see if it matches the vague description in a callout ask i got

also if u follow me or even just interact i WILL be looking through ur blog. this is a threat

also fair warning i post a fucking lot (mostly rbs) so if u follow be prepared for that (i assume theres a post limit since theres been multiple times where ive posted so much that tumblr cuts me off and refuses to let me post and gives me errors if i try to post)

btw im not comfy with kisses or cuddles from people im not dating!!

also if you're wondering about some personal details, im (cis) male, mostly straight, autism, possibly adhd, and open to play stellaris or warframe or mtg commander or other games

ill be trying to tag my own lewd posts with #janokenlewd, others' with #janantelewd, and cnc posts with #jancnclewd, so if you don't want to see that (or are a minor) absolutely block 'em!!!! i'll also be using #kenlalewd for things that i'm unsure on (like suggestive but not explicit stuff), im not gonna enforce that minors block that but it is recommended! please tell me if i don't appropriately tag nsfw (which likely will happen on occasion)!!! i'm trying to keep this a relatively safe space for minors, so i don't have to ban them completely, and having minors block those tags is an essential part of that! (additionally! i may leave sex ed or kink ed stuff untagged, as safety and education is important; if there's enough demand for it i might make a tag for nsfw education stuff).

basically this blog is just. My Brain

enjoy

BTW IMPORTANT NOTE: if i do/say something bad, tell me unambiguously! i will have genuinely no idea otherwise

nsfw stuff under the cut :3

more details about me are that im strictly top/dom, single, and open to doin lewd stuff with friends (and possibly boys! i have no idea!!!)

kinks include a bunch of like hard-dom stuff; cnc and brat tamer stuff are my favorite (especially cnc!!! <3<3<3), but i tend to like a lot of dom stuff tho! basically like just ask, there's also a bunch of kinks i have that i'm not comfortable stating publicly! also, i use the word "rape" here a lot; please block the cnc tag if you are uncomfortable with that!!!

limits include like gore/blood (tho a little blood is ok), and any of the like "unsanitary" kinks! also DO NOT TREAT ME LIKE A SUB OR TRY TO DOM ME IT MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, also don't misgender me or anything but that feels like a given! there might be other stuff but that Should be most of it, feel free to ask before sending if you're unsure

feel free to message and/or send asks (esp. if you're sub/switch girl)!!! best practice is to just ask directly before doing stuff, i.e. "hey do you mind if i send nudes" or "hey do u want to talk about kink stuff" or anything like that! tho sending nudes/porn/fantasies that *don't involve me* out of nowhere is likely okay ;3 (if u wanna be safe then ask first tho!! and specify the relevant kinks in case any are a turnoff)! i only rarely rp, i have to trust u first, so don't expect that immediately!

if you're a dom, top, and/or boy, i might still wanna talk about stuff, even if i don't wanna like rp or anything directly!! i'm super interested in human sexuality and hearing in-depth stuff about what kinks people have and why they have them is fascinating (and very hot) to me (and could give me ideas ;3), so if you wanna talk about that stuff please please please message!!!!

this is a paraphilia-safe space!!! if you have paraphilias, including the big ones, you're safe here and i accept you :). depending on what it is i might not want to talk about it, turnoffs are turnoffs, but i still accept you for who you are :) also relatedly id probably be considered proship tho im not really in that community so i may not understand the full nuance and ramifications of that term

also obviously. if you're a minor then don't interact lewdly with me?? you shoudlnt even be reading this and you should have #janantelewd and #janokenlewd blocked as well, that's the compromise i've made so that i don't have to just block every minor that follows me since i post a bunch of sfw stuff too, violators of the contract will be obliterated with the force of a thousand suns

[anothd]

Im so fucking sleepy yet I can't sleep. Way too much thoughts. So maybe ill rant and get them out. It feels bad to talk about things like this, but oh well. I'm already exhausted emotionally and confused and all this stress makes me barely have any sleep at night (if im lucky enought to sleep tho).

The way they all lied to me and never told me anything. Three. Three different persons knew about it and no one tried to confront or ask me shit, just made their little theories. I understand one of them knew my blog. And i understand they checked it cause they noticed my mental state shrinking. But at the same time lying about not checking it? After accidentally leaving a heart on my intro post another (probably, maybe that was truth) lie that "they checked their followers" and accidentally went on my blog? I mean how dump do you think I am? Who follows you? Especially when you don't post a shit. Anyway sending screenshots of my vents to others is understable, but at the same time would be cool if i got to know about it all like in the span of a hour or two. Not several days later. Also some of the things i saw on screenshots just hurted me. "Like, i like him as a friend, i really do but how tf do i handle jirai". Bro i told you I'm jirai before we became friends. And why you act jirai is the problem? I still feel hurt. I still dont even feel like i can trust any of their words. He himself told others to talk about their emotions and all and dont give silent treatment. What i did to deserve this hypocritic behaviour from him? Litteraly both of these two others he told about this (not suprised that he told it after basically i got to know from them and not him and told him about it) accoused me of trying to distance them from the rest? Also one accoused me of bpd and being a yandere? I mean the bpd one and yandere was basically a child, but it still hurts. In the instance of me having stronger ed than usual and getting all this info randomly and litteraly needing to confront everyone and talk to them for longer amount of time to get to the maybe truth? I mean he lied way to many times and his promises seem hollow. I probably need time to get used to it but oh well. Im just tired. Tired of walking on eggshells to not make anyone uncomfortable nor to make them randomly worried or "try to make me say it". Say it yourself young man and dont try to force me by manipulation to say it to you. It all just made me relapse and suicidal again. I hate it. I hate them. But why i still care and im way to worried about them? Litteraly im worried after the tone of their message is wrong. Yet they dont seem to really care nor worry about me. Well maybe they do, but i dont feel it. Maybe leaving would be better. I would had another reason to end it, well loose reason to stay so itll add to reasons to end.

Ngl won't tag it as its more of private thing and not wanna get it seen by more people, but still some attention and reaction would be cool.

[alitgblog]

s9 vol 7 thoughts: ah fuck this season has its problems but I don't think I've ever been this conflicted over love interests in a while

STEFAN 😍😍😍 literally I have to change my top five islanders now like I'm so sorry evan. AND he's an artist?? And it's my own fault for already buying into the second chance romance bit before he even showed up but like he's not ugly? omg stop. oof it's tough, like, shit I'm so sorry Natasha and Hamish I don't know who to pick in this love square they've got

him illustrating his sister's book for his sisters?? 🥺 I may be folding for that alone

I like Cassius' design. I like it more than Theo's but he does remind me of Liam unfortunately. and also he's looking like my MC's cousin this season so I gotta pass this time but makes it easier for me. but he does seem great, I like him and he's sweet without being boring (so far), but I also kinda wish we had an LI that gave us more pushback/banter? bc I picked a few options that disagreed with his whole thing about love/fate and he was just like "yeah fs that's a cool opinion too" which OK I get it he's nice but I'm just kinda sick of all the Islanders being so agreeable to MC. I guess Marshall is supposed to be the banter-y one but I have problems with him being here so I wish it was Cassius instead.

that being said they're fucking teasing me with this response to why are you here though

also at some point Cassius calls his season boring and I thought it was funny fusebox was dunking on themselves bc I didn't finish s7 either but no he was just referring to the fact he got dumped quickly.

I'm glad Lyle is back, like I'd be upset if an islander was only brought on for a date and then left, so I'm not mad at this even though he was momentarily mad at MC (and that became nothing?? like just take out that plot point) and i dont really care hes only coded in for Kat now. I'm just more upset bc they've literally already done this in S8 bc your LI has to pick between Sienna and Bea when they get "dumped" and then Sienna comes back in Casa.

And then we get to marshall and I don't even wanna talk about it. And ive made separate posts and reblogged some opinions on that so ill just add that also i hate his orange outfit. him dressing all white and ozzy all black was peak I hate he's out here in orange smh.. anyway so that'll be easy for me to not pick this season

although we get this and I thought it was funny like OK fine you got me marshall

he says it with a smile too not even angry/sarcastic

then after that I honestly don't remember what happens apart from way too many challenges all at once and the whole Stefan storyline. I wanted him to be a little upset initially bc it did seem like MC had some misunderstanding and then left him so quickly like I just wanted a little bit of angst where he came in with the gameplan of wanting to give her a piece of his mind and was on the show bc he couldn't contact her any other way, before he realized he was being silly and just was happy to see her again. like if anything, the story beats that Lyle goes through being snarky at mc in episode 1 then immediately asking for forgiveness by episode 3 makes more sense for Stefan but nah instead it just feels like another perfect li loyal route (which is fine but I like some tension in the story). like we can still have the terrace scene where he explains things though.

also if I saw this on love island? I'd be voting for them without question the angst is so good

OK I'm looking thru my screenshots and am now remembering I was upset at raunchy races for being subjective again. notable offenses:

straight out the gate, most creative boy and Kelly says "craft brewing is creative" gtfo as if it's not Chen the set designer (and anyone who brought back Lyle from the dates, I'd imagine musician over craft beer brewer as well)

Kat somehow doesn't win best dancer

I love Kelly and sure, biggest foodie but not when my mc is a chef smh at least in S6 the dialogue would change slightly with your occupation lmao

the physical challenge is OK but I just think it doesn't belong in casa. like on the actual show where they spend real days in casa it's fine but for the game that has to shorten it bc the volumes definitely don't add up to the length of real love island, it feels like a waste. if anything, the real villa needed a physical challenge rather than continuing to do variations on excess baggage type games.

someone help Kelly out with the mask pls

anyway the OG islander to visit instead of a postcard is interesting. I think a postcard makes the most sense but bc the game has to fabricate drama while also probably wanting most of the guys to still look good since the villa is like 75% love interests for MC, maybe it makes sense?

I think having it be MC's partner doesn't give us a lot of drama unless MC wants to bring up Stefan. Finn and Hamish could be interesting whether you're pursuing them or not. Like under the guise of them checking in on their partner, but they just care about MC and are asking her not to forget them. Most likely i think it'll be Kat's partner and he'll make up some lies about what's happening in the villa.

anyway a little rough first few weeks of the season but I'm enjoying at least this episode, surprisingly, so we'll seeeeee.... I think the seasons generally gets worse post casa so I'm not betting on this being a good season overall, but I'm not calling it a flop just yet.

[dogaquarium]

Hey Laika, I saw your post about nightmares and I hope you’re doing alright :( that sounds really hard and on top of all the other stressors must be rough.

I’ve been curious about your thoughts on alien 9 recently, and was wondering your thoughts on it! If thats too much to think about right now how about some of your favorite foods or items?

Hope this helps a little 🫶 <:D

Hi star thank you so very much for the ask <3 I'm feeling a little better now, just takes a little bit of wind out of me whenever I wake up from something like that. Let me focus on answering your questions now though....

Asking me my thoughts on alien 9 in such a vague sense is a recipe for disaster, lol. I have so many thoughts and opinions on so many different elements of it. So feel free to ask for specifics later if you'd like, but I suppose I'll do a quick overview on as many things as I possibly can! Also going to try to make this as relatively spoiler free as possible since I'm pretty sure neither you nor a few other people following this blog have seen it yet, and I'm not sure if you're interested in attending movie night or not whenever I have time to plan a date for that.

Boy, where do I even start..... alien 9 is something so special to me. The entire franchise definitely does have its issues, and I do wish some moments were expanded upon or changed slightly. The pacing can be a little strange in the OVA, and even stranger in the manga (which is one reason I enjoy the anime a lot more; the manga sometimes feels almost detatched entirely). But it's something really valuable as it is regardless. It's such a foundational media for me that I came away from differently. Something I've found a lot of comfort and security in! The characters are all extremely charming, the story itself tackles such serious taboo topics in a proper sense, such a large part of it corresponds to the young queer experience, it doesn't poke fun at childhood mental illness, the core concept of the universe it exists within is endlessly compelling, the list goes on..... plus, kumi's character themes of identity (which I've already mentioned in precious posts) is something you can dig into forever. It's all so interesting. And it resonates a lot with me!

Episode 3 is one I'm especially excited for everyone to experience when I stream it. It's my personal favorite episode for a lot of reasons that I think we're masterfully tackled. It's a beach/vacation episode! Which sounds, admittedly, very frivolous and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. And to some degree it is!!! But what I personally find so compelling about episode 3 is the fact that it serves as a medium through which we can see how the main three girls function outside of a traumatic environment. It provides a baseline for us. It allows the audience to see them just be kids. I truly do not think it'd be as impactful of a series for me without that.

And now, since you can't have a general dump of my thoughts on alien 9 without mentioning the spinoffs.. prepare yourself......

I firmly believe that hitoshi tomizawa should have not been allowed to expand on this franchise any further after the original story had been wrapped up because after seeing what he's done with it you're bound to get a headache. There's two spinoffs from the original three classic volumes: namely alien 9-emulators and alien 9-next. I will not dwell on emulators (at least in this ask) because my rant on it will likely be even longer than this response, but know that with the way it handles the original subject material, it's not only incredibly insensitive, but I'd go as far as saying actively harmful. Tomizawa is a fuckin pedophile which SHINES in his later works in particular, and is very ironic considering so much of the point of the original classic series concerns the harm done by csa and how cyclical it can become (most blatantly in relation to kasumi's character). That's all I'll get into it for now because if I talk any more on it I'll get even more pissed. Idk where to even begin with Next, though.... such a strange expansion of the universe...... this spinoff takes place after the girls have all grown up and are on some kind of outer space mission.. idk how to even explain it to you and it's been far too long since I've read it but it's utter horseshit, such an anomalous entry in the series. Also the art style changed to be 3D models for no reason and it's ugly as sin.

Besides all the....... obviously glaring problems with both next and emulators..... there are also some simpler things that don't work for me in them. Namely kumi and yuri's relationship! In the classic volumes, such a major plot point is the evolution of their relationship from one that is tense, angry, and unhealthy to one that is mutually supportive and uplifting. There's a lot to be said about this change in relation to both parties- be it relaring to kumi's home life/preconceived expectations of her to yuri's mental illnesses/the way others treat her due to that. They act the way they do for a reason, is what I mean. And so when the audience finally gets the relief of them forming a genuine bond together, you expect that to be that, it's a plot point wrapped up and done with. And does stay wrapped up..... in the classic volumes, at least. In the spinoffs, kumi suddenly reverts back into someone aggressive and untrusting. Yuri reverts back into someone who has made no advances in her bravery and independence. All because fuckin tomizawa had no idea how to craft a story with meaning after he finished the first three volumes.

^ so cutes.. awwee......

I suppose this turned more into a response of why I dislike all the spinoffs rather than why I like the originals.. oh well..... easier to avoid spoilers in that way I suppose. Maybe you still found this interesting enough? Don't hesitate to ask more if I didn't answer how you'd expected!

[system-of-a-feather]

DISCLAIMER SECTION

I'm gonna ramble about race / cultural experiences and trauma (probably) and this time it really isn't a line of thought ignited by syscourse or anything - but I'll tag it's tw anyways cause I'd rather people be able to filter it out than get it out there, but anyways

(for the note this was actually spurred on from a number of conversations I was having with a few parts today at work, one of which being that post about "diagnosed early vs diagnosed late" trauma; none of these points necessarily reply to that but for transparency and context)

For all of this, if any points or topics relate or resonate with you, feel free to comment, reblog, discuss, whatever on this post. Theres a lot of trauma talk on this and some level of details (CW will be provided before each section along with CW: clears), but none of this is really intended as a vent or trauma dump as much as... ya know, just talking about it as it is.

--------

As we've gotten further and further along with our healing, we've come to be a lot more open and comfortable talking about topics specifically relating to our trauma - at least in a C-PTSD / paranoid about giving out things that can be used to hurt us sense - and that is honestly really great and I'm really happy and proud for that

The thing is though, even though we've mostly declawed how easily our main triggers can be poked at and thus enabled us to feel more confident and ok talking about it, we honestly still are hesitant to do so for two main reasons.

One, being a simple lack of motivation to do so as it doesn't really come up and we don't really think about it more than we have to and often when we have to its usually not a place of mind we have the spoons to talk about it - ya know, normal healthy things.

The second though is because we've really come to learn that a lot of people in online trauma and dissociative communities really don't understand a lot of the largest and foundational themes of the trauma we went through and in my experience in the community, more often than not the response I've gotten from sharing that sort of things have always been more uncomfortable at best than helpful or positive.

And I think there are like... maybe three main things about our childhood core trauma that just make it hard to talk about with the tone of the community + the general heavily white area. This isn't meant to be like "oh you are bad if you fall into this" or anything, I don't have any ill intent or "call out" to really anyone even those who might heavily contribute to this cause its not that much talked on afaik. Mostly talking about this in a sort of, I guess commentary? I dunno, food for thought I guess.

But the first area...

as you might expect from this post and some previous ones, is that due to the fact that the community is heavily white-person run and driven and filled with many white peers, a lot of the talk and understanding of "trauma" and what kind of "chronic childhood trauma" typically looks like to form DID is informed by a white and western standard of trauma. And that isn't to say it is WRONG or BAD, but it makes it so that there is an inherent understanding that anything that differs from that is typically "better" rather than looking at the differences in a large scale cultural-context lens. And this sort of stuff has on MULTIPLE occasions had people respond to me venting or sighing about trauma-related stuff and stating that they wish they had that growing up - which I absolutely understand but it is OBVIOUSLY intensely insensitive and lacking in insight. I don't think any of those people who made those comments MEANT bad, but the nature of the discussion of trauma in these spaces being so heavily white centric and run has made it so that people forget to take culture into account and over simplify trauma into this "A is bad and B is - even when bad as well - inherently better". There is probably a level of classism / assumptions based on class as well somewhere in there, but thats a line of thought I hadn't thought much on past just a "yeah that probably plays a role".

(CW: RAMCOA related topics, CSA, etc)

The second...

is that our relationship with our sister falls awkwardly into the "not programming" in the sense of it's scale and intensity, but it would also be incredibly understated to just call it "conditioning" either and this might just be a "my feelings" on the matter than an actual reflection of the community, but I do often feel as though the nature of it not being either would result in it either being minimized OR people assuming I am trying to claim that I have the same thing as those that experienced programming and its just a really awkward place to be in. There is a lot of black and white talk regarding psychological abuse perpetuated by a person in power who has knowledge of DID and toyed with you as an experiment and project by intentionally learning to manipulate the parts. It wasn't at all the same level of proper RAMCOA, but it also was not just "conditioned learning" as our dissociation was actively targeted as a mechanism to create an unquestioning pet - that of which ended off getting pettled off to the a pedophile.

The complexity and nuances of the trauma and relationship we had with our sister like that combined with the very black and white language regarding trauma talk of that kind has made it just really awkward to try to explain to people because its really not either but as far as I know there isn't a term for whatever it was either. While chatting with a part (forgot which honestly whoops) we were thinking of officially just making our own term of like "trained" but idk, we aren't the coining type of folk so *shrugs*

(CW: CLEARED)

The third area...

Is just how messy and black and white the talk around autism. To those that haven't followed this blog from the earliest of early days, it might seem as though we were recently diagnosed with autism (technically true) and thats it and all, but autism has been a HUGELY prevalent part of our childhood and trauma history and honestly none of it really fits into the common narratives in PTSD / CDD spaces.

Firstly, we were neither really "early diagnosed" OR "late diagnosed" as our parents and my oldest sister (who was early diagnosed) noticed it EARLY on and immediately shaped my entire life around my "Aspergers" diagnosis that I was told I had when I actually never saw a professional for. Regardless, to my knowledge, I was diagnosed with aspergers from age 4 until they changed it to ASD and I asked my mom about it again at 15 or 16 when I started seeing a therapist and found out she never actually had me formally diagnosed. I then became "undiagnosable" due to the disorders that they COULD confirm, plus the weird relationship with my sister, and that I was raised in a "heavily autistic environment" where it was very plausible that I simply learned autistic behaviors as - at the time, thank you DID - I was too high functioning / masking and didn't appear to have significant impairment in any other areas other than being "a bit weird" in terms of how I view society and behavior again, both of which could be accounted for by environment + C-PTSD. It wasn't until well after I cleared stabilization for DID and undid a lot of the intense training our sister put us through, did our masking drastically decrease and it became apparent that yeah, we actually are largely impacted by ASD which ended up with us in the last few months being diagnosed. We were diagnosed early, undiagnosed, labeled "can not confirm nor deny if this is ASD", then diagnosed late, all simultaneously and so we don't really know where our word would fall in the general pecking order of "which group does your experiences fall into".

The OTHER thing is that our two primary abusers were autistic and their autism WAS inherently a part of the trauma that we went through and a lot of the talk of autism on the internet is so 'low supports needs' centric and sugar coated that it is very hard to feel comfortable commenting on how actually ugly and harmful autism can be to the individual AND those around them. This isn't to say its Autistic Abuse or any of that garbage, but my abusers autism is not a negligible or coincidental aspect of their abuse. It didn't make them an abuser, but it was still a large part of it.

(CW: Physical abuse and neglect)

My dad is confusing for 5000 reasons and anyone whose had DMs with me for over a year will know I sometimes share some of the REALLY confusing things about my dad (pretty sure he has DID as well but thats a conspiracy theory), but between his cultural trauma, coming from a """third world""" country, and having missed out on certain learning targets growing up due to the aforementioned first two - he has never been given the information, coping skills, treatment, or context to handle his symptoms in anything close to a healthy way. Its only now that hes (I think) in his 60s that my mom got a better understanding of everything that he's gotten any support, but with the sheer lack of assistance in his childhood, teenage years, and adulthood, its both a large task and honestly arguably not fair on him to try to get him to understand it beyond what is necessary to give him a life worth living.

But again, he had no ability and no tools to navigate his symptoms due to his complex and unfortunate situation and he absolutely did the best he could with what he had. Some parts in the system don't forgive him, but almost all of them understand and respect the intent at least. For example, we were poorly fed (and when we were it was usually garbage; think KFC 5/7 days a week for dinner) until we were 16 and able to drag the family into actually cooking because my dad would get into violent and aggressive meltdowns over ANY food smells, ANY mess, and ANY warmth. Cooking was basically forbidden until then because everyone was too afraid to risk it. Like there is a lot more to that, but its not something I'm given as clear access to and I aint gonna pry, but most of the most abusive behavior from him could very much be stemmed down to a sensory or communication issue regarding his untreated autism and a lack of ability to cope with it resulting in violent meltdowns.

(CW: CLEARED)

(CW: ABA)

Likewise, my sister who had been given ABA, from a young age taught me "how to survive in the world as an autistic person" and directly passed on HER version of ABA and HER understanding of autism onto me, which was just a garbage, intentional or not, way to excuse making me into her pet project rather than actually coping with her own trauma. (Plus 95% of the "information" she "taught" me was garbage including the infamous "having multiple consciousnesses in your head is a normal autism thing as long as there are less than 5" that I clown on every other day)

(CW: CLEARED)

I dunno really how to wrap this up, its like a conglomeration of thoughts we had today so its not really well organized but like... I guess AHEM *puts on my highschool english essay hat*

And so I conclude my essay on *checks notes* reasons I feel weird talking about trauma in online spaces? I think thats the point of this post? Idk I'm just rambling XD