#i have seen some people say maybe emerie lied the first time

[theladyofbloodshed]

where did the Emerie digging her mothers grave as a newborn baby part come up? I wanna see it so I can have a laugh lmao

A Court of Silver Flames, Chapter 25

A Court of Silver Flames, Chapter 68

[whimsicallyreading]

An angsty one-shot for your day. I stayed up way too late to write this.

CW- drinking

Aelin keeps the letters stacked neatly on her desk.

Each letter is stamped, addressed, and ready to mail. In tiny marks on the back, she writes the date every individual one was written. The envelopes are his favorite shade of green. A deep, pine color that she’d painstakingly scoured every stationary shop to find.

Delicately, Aelin seals the latest envelope and adds it to the growing pile.

My Love,

It’s almost winter here in Orynth. I know it’s your favorite season and you are probably sad to miss out, so I took a Polaroid of the clouds coming in over the staghorns for you.

Do you remember how we’d sit in front of Mistward every year and watch the first snow storm come in over the peeks? We would drink hot chocolate and talk for hours. About our families, our futures, anything and everything. It’s still one of my favorite traditions.

In fact, it’s where I am right now. Writing this letter to you. Just because you are overseas doesn’t mean you get to bail out. I bought two hot chocolates, but I suppose I’ll have to drink yours for you. What a shame.

Writing to Rowan was her weekly tradition since he got deployed. No matter how busy life got, every Friday she wrote him two full pages front to back. Whether she got to sit at her desk or had to scribble against the rusty bench at the bus stop, every inch was covered in her hand writing.

That was her personal rule. They had to be handwritten. Aelin felt it meant more that every piece of the letter was entirely from her. So she keeps a collection of colored pens handy for whenever the urge to speak to her husband grows to be too much.

At the bottom of the last page, next to her signature, Aelin always kisses the paper with red lipstick. Maybe it’s cheesy, but it’s the same shade she wore at their wedding.

You could see the ghosts of the color along his jawline in their favorite photos together. His beaming smile, the smudges of red on his face and the collar of his white dress shirt. A remnant from the happiest day of her life she thought would bring him comfort.

My love,

Winter is here! It’s so cold outside. You would say it’s this frigid every year, but it just feels different this time. Maybe it’s because you aren’t hear to snuggle up with and your side of the bed is empty? You were always so warm.

I keep your slippers by the couch. They are ridiculously huge on my feet, but I swear they still feel like you just walked in them. Your warmth is still there.

You would laugh if you saw me hobbling around the apartment in them. My toes slide all over the place. Truthfully, your feet are atrociously large, dear- Still they remind me of you, so I love them.

Aelin gets home late from work that night.

Humiliated tears sting her cheeks, even as she rubs them away. The feeling of that creep, Cairn’s, hands lingering on her ass.

She was used to fending off handsy patrons. What bothered Aelin is that when she complained to her boss, Erawan, he publicly berated her for instigating the customers.

None of the other waitresses would meet her eye when she looked for back up. Grave, the bartender, sniggered through the entire dressing down. Aelin could still feel their eyes on her skin as Erawan accused her of being provocative.

Rowan would have demanded she quit the job. He would have marched down to the bar and broken Cairn’s face. Possibly even held him back so Aelin could do it herself.

Aelin needs the money, though. Rowan’s accounts were frozen due to some stupid technicality at the bank. Without her paycheck, she would lose the apartment.

Sniffling, Aelin slides her feet into Rowan’s slippers and plops at her desk. It isn’t Friday yet, but she’s desperate to speak to him.

As her hand flows across the paper, Aelin knows she won’t describe the days events to him. He’s under enough stress without her work drama adding to his worries.

My love,

Yulemas is next week. Aedion is in Caraverre with Lysandra and our new nephew. Lorcan and Elide are going up from Perranth to stay with them, but the roads are so frozen in Orynth I may just stay here this year.

Besides, work is busy right now. They need someone to man the place for the people with nowhere to go for the holidays.

Maybe I’ll host a little celebration at the bar. Like we did that one year when we got stuck in the Hostel in Rifthold. We made the best of a bad situation, and it was the first time you told me you loved me. I think I’d like to relive a little of that this year.

I miss you. Please come home.

Aelin lays in her bed the night before Yulemas and sobs.

Ugly, guttural noises spill from her chest and she soaks their pillows with tears. The newest envelope is clutched against her chest, and the building stacks mock her from their spot across the room.

Her heart is so raw. Aelin knew it was a bad idea to count the letters, but there was so many. Curiosity got the better of her, and now she was bleeding for her mistake.

Fifty-six.

A full year of letters she hadn’t been able to send.

Rowan had only ever written her twenty before he was declared missing in action.

A year ago, she’d been hanging bobbles and decorating a tree knowing her husband only had a few weeks left of his tour.

Aelin had painted a welcome home banner, and her whole family made plans to come and spend the holiday with the soon-to-be-reunited couple.

She had his slippers waiting by the door. Rowan’s favorite blanket was laundered and folded on his side of the bed in case he wanted to lay down. Aelin had it on good authority that the bed would be one of the first places they visited when he arrived. Emerys had even given her a mixture of their favorite hot chocolate to make.

Everything was perfectly in place for his return.

That’s what when the soldiers arrived at her door and her world fell apart.

Lorcan came home a week later. He hugged Elide and she cried into his shoulder. Happy tears. So unlike the ones Aelin had been shedding. Her friend beamed ear-to-ear, as the love of her life gathered her into his arms and squeezed.

It was a touching sight, but Aelin could feel the hot knife being twisted in her chest. Elide’s happiness caused her physical pain, and it made her feel so selfish. She didn’t begrudge Lorcan his life, or Elide her joy- Aelin just missed her own husband.

Elide and Lorcan spent Yulemas together. Kissing and holding hands. Lysandra finally announced her pregnancy. Aedion’s expression when he opened the box with the baby onesie inside was priceless. Her cousin whooped and hollered, almost dancing with the prospect of becoming a father.

Aelin smiled. She gave her congratulations and celebrated with her family. They hugged, and laughed. Aedion took care to include her in everything, and she played her part even as she tried to ignore the concerned looks her family exchanged behind her back.

Aelin made it to lunch before she couldn’t take it anymore.

Fenrys was the one to find her having a panic attack on the bathroom floor. She hadn’t even known it was a panic attack. Aelin just assumed the pain of losing her soulmate was finally killing her. The tightening of her chest and the body aches felt enough like a heart attack to be convincing.

He gathered Aelin in his arms and counted breaths with her. His twin brother Connal was lost in the same fight where Rowan had gone down. Fen had seen the whole thing from the cockpit of his plain, and nothing he did could’ve saved them.

He shared his pain, and for the first time Aelin felt like someone understood her.

Fenrys let her lean on him as they excused themselves from the celebrations. They drove to some bar in Caraverre and spent the rest of the day wallowing over whiskey.

Aedion came to collect their drunken asses later that evening. Worry etched into every line of his kind face. It only made her feel ashamed that she’d rained all over their happy day.

He was going to be a father, and she’d forced him to spend his time fretting over her instead of reveling in that news.

Now here she was a year later. Aelin wasn’t going to subject herself to that again. Couldn’t. She wouldn’t force her grief upon anyone else this year, either. Just because she was hurting didn’t mean that everyone else had to suffer with her.

So, as Yulemas Eve came, and before she could finally distract herself with work, Aelin pulled Rowan’s blanket over herself. She’d spritzed it with his cologne, donned his shirt, and pulled his socks over her feet. Aelin did everything she could to feel surrounded by him.

Then, alone in their bed, she watched as the clock ticked down to midnight.

Rowan,

Wherever you are, I hope my words reach you and that you know you aren’t alone. I wish with every ounce of my being that I could trade places with you- would give anything, just to know where you are.

It breaks my heart, to be without you. Every breath seems pointless. I lied in my last letter. The roads aren’t frozen. I’m not needed at work. No one really needs me to be around them. I just couldn’t spend another holiday surrounded by happy people when the other half of my heart is gone from me.

When you come home, I will feel like celebrating again. I’ll wrap my arms around you, and we can make up for lost time. Just please, don’t make me wait too much longer.

Merry Yulemas, my love. We will be together again one day.

Until then, I’ll keep on writing, only so long as you don’t yield.

Sincerely, your loving wife

Aelin

[emilia3546]

Shadowsinger Part 22 - Gwynriel

ACOSF Spoilers! Do Not read this unless you have finished ACOSF and the Azriel bonus chapter*

Masterlist with all previous chapters

TW: Mentions of past SA

*****

Gwyn smiled softly at the female who showed her around, both dropping their gazes when a group of males turned the corner, and Gwyn fought the urge to squirm under their prolonged gaze,

"You alright?" Shit, she must have noticed,

"Yes. Fine, I just wish they wouldn't stare too long,"

"Take it as a compliment, it's the only way to really ignore them,"

"Oh, it's not that," it totally was that, but she wasn't going to admit it, that would open other conversations that she didn't want to have, maybe with Nesta and Emerie, maybe with Azriel, but not someone she just met, "It's my husband," she lied. "He doesn't like when other males look to long, I'd hate someone to get hurt."

"Oh. Fair enough." She fell into silence, a hint of sadness crossing her features for a moment, but she hid it away too quickly for Gwyn to figure her out, shaking her head and smiling again quickly, "Since you're not a seamstress, we'll get you to help with collecting laundry for now, Cauldron knows there's a lot now," Gwyn chuckled despite herself,

"That's the thing with armies isn't it, they do make a mess,"

"They do, especially these young boys, they have no idea that their shit gets tidied up by someone, not just magic," Gwyn chuckled again, but she didn't miss the flash of fear, undisguisable this time, "Please don't repeat that."

"Never," Gwyn promised, "You can speak freely around me,"

"No." The other female whispered, "I can't. Even if you don't tell my brother, someone else might hear, the walls are thin here, but thank you." She offered Gwyn a smile before slipping away, and Gwyn made to call after her, but had no idea what to say, she didn't even know her name. Perhaps she was used to people not bothering to learn it. Gwyn made a silent promise to herself to learn every female's name here before they left. She sighed, finding her way down the corridor, and knocked on the first door, hoping that the room's occupant would be gone, and she could just grab the laundry and run,

"Hello," the door swung open, and Gwyn stepped back, "To what do I owe the pleasure," the male ran his gaze up and down Gwyn's body, then tugged her chin up, holding on when she tried to pull away, "Don't be rude," he chastised, and Gwyn trembled, her fear not completely an act, "Come to keep me warm, huh?" she'd never be able to go for her dagger quickly enough if he decided to try anything. She blinked back the tears welling in her eyes, she could still take him down, all she needed to do was break his hold, she could easily manage that, a quick punch to his elbow joint, then she'd duck under his arm, throw a punch to the nose, a knee to the groin, she'd be gone before he knew what had happened. With a plan in her head she squashed down that fear, she wasn't helpless anymore, Azriel would have never let her do this, never brought her if he didn't think she could throw down with every male here and win. And she could win, she didn't need her dagger, she just needed to be quicker than him. She swallowed when the male tugged her face from side to side,

"Let go, please," she said, wriggling, but he only tightened his hold, ignoring her request, and ran his gaze along her body again, the entitlement in that gaze making her see red, but she held her tongue, she had to try and get out of this without drawing attention first, if that failed, then she'd break his balls.

"What's a pretty thing like you doing here?"

"My husband sent me to help the others with laundry, sir," she muttered, hating every word, but placed enough emphasis on her husband that the male let go,

"Why are the good ones always married?" He muttered angrily, "Go on then," she slipped past him, half-surprised that he'd let her go, although it was probably more for his own skin than hers, after all, if he'd tried anything more, Azriel would be forced to demand a duel. Not that she worried for Azriel, none of the males here would last a minute, but it would draw attention, attention they did not need. She subtly glanced around the room, nothing of note, she wouldn't bother searching here.

She nodded to the male as she slipped back out past him, her heart still hammering against her chest. She only relaxed once she heard the door close, the male's gaze no longer boring into the back of her head, and knocked on the next one, finding it empty, but with a pile of laundry to be collected, and nothing helpful upon a quick sweep of the room. The next few rooms were similarly useless, a few having occupants, one female, left there by her father, who didn't trust her not to 'do something dumb', in other words, run off. She seemed so bored and lonely that Gwyn did wait with her for a few minutes, offering much need conversation, her name was Laylah, she was from Ironcrest, and she was twenty, unmarried, and hated being here. Gwyn offered her own, fake, name, and explained what she was doing, suggesting that she ask her father if she could help, saying that she might well be able to simply help with clothing repair. Laylah grinned at that and agreed, waving as Gwyn left. The next two rooms each had a single male occupant, one simply waved her in, paying her no attention, the other stared a bit, but left her alone, it seemed the fake wedding band was doing it's job, mostly.

The final door on that corridor did not lead to a bedchamber, nor was there any laundry to collect, but it was interesting, an office of some sort. She slipped inside, closing the door behind her, with the bag of laundry leaning against it, there was an open window, if it came to it, she could jump out and be hidden beneath the ledge before anyone could see her. This didn't seem too important, but Gwyn rifled through the drawers, ignoring most things, but a letter caught her eye, one between the late Queen Briallyn, and someone who seemed to be a general. The letter was encoded somehow, and Gwyn didn't know enough to be able to decipher it, she glanced around the room, finding a blank piece of paper, and copied down the letter, rolling up the copy and slipping it into the bodice of her gown before setting everything back to rights, there was no trace she'd been in there when she left.

The corridor was, thankfully, empty when Gwyn re-emerged, quickly running back to deposit the laundry and continue collecting the rest of it. Most rooms she visited that day were just as useless as the first few, but there were some that she mentally marked to come back to, either when they were empty, or she had more time, or fewer eyes on her. She lost track of the time, running to get back to their room before that evening's training finished, she was expected to be there waiting, and if she wasn't there, someone would guess something was up.

The hallways were empty as she flew along them, slowing to a brisk walk when she heard voices at the end of their corridor,

"She not there?" Shit. Azriel would have to berate her now, in front of those others, whether they were the same as before or not, she'd hoped not to force him to do that,

"Amirah! where have you been?" Gwyn almost flinched at the accusatory tone, it's not real. It's not real.

"I-"

"You know what, I don't care," she leapt forwards, towards making Azriel's comforting hand on her lower back look like a shove, but relaxed, it wasn't a big deal then, "Get in there," she ran inside, hiding in the corner until the voice faded and Azriel shut the door, "You okay? Something happen?"

"Not really, just an idiot, I lost track of time, I should have gotten back earlier, I hate to put you in a difficult position."

"Nah, you didn't, you just solidified their belief in us, letting me 'scare' you inside,"

"Like you could scare me," she scoffed, "You're a soppy baby at heart, Shadowsinger,"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm the one who does the protecting around here." Azriel laughed again,

"Whatever would I do without my beautiful little Valkyrie?"

"Die, probably," Gwyn muttered, wrinkling her nose up when Azriel leaned down to kiss her cheek, "Oi, go away, I'm trying to concentrate,"

"So, I'm distracting?"

"I think you know the answer to that," she rolled her eyes, "Listen now, I found something," all jokes died at those words,

"Show me,"

"A letter, from Briallyn to a general, I think. It's in code, I don't know how to decrypt it, I'm hoping you will."

"Let me see," Azriel leaned back in his chair and pursed his lips as he studied the letter, "It's an old code, one I haven't seen in a while, I don't remember it all, but, hang on a minute, you got a pencil?" Gwyn silently handed one over, rather inappropriately smiling at the way his hair fell over his forehead when he leaned forwards to note down the encryption he remembered. "Are you staring at me, Gwyn?"

"What can I say, you're quite useful as my eye candy," he snorted in disbelief, but silently shook his head,

"You're a menace, Berdara,"

"You can thank Nesta for that," she grinned, standing to cross the room, leaning over him, an elbow resting on his shoulder as he noted down the last few words he'd been able to decipher.

"Not groundbreaking, I'm afraid, but we do know that they're planning something. She mentioned a winged army, the Illyrians I think, so whatever the big plan is, it's been in the works a while,"

"Mhhhm, here, does that name ring any bells?"

"Don't think so, why?"

"I met a female with that name today, maybe it means nothing, but, any ideas about the words around it?" Azriel frowned back at the letter,

"Something about her father, what did you find out about her?"

"She's from Ironcrest, unmarried, lives alone with her father, who doesn't really trust her, she's restless, wants to explore the world, it seemed like her father's looking for ways to tie her down. She's still unclipped, thank the Cauldron, but she wanted to escape a bit I think, does it say anything about her role, or just that she exists?"

"Hang on," he started writing out what seemed to be a sort of dodgy alphabet, cross referencing to the letter, "You got your notes on the queens?"

"Yeah?"

"Who's married?"

"None, one is widowed, with a son."

"They want to marry Laylah to that boy."

"But she's immortal!"

"I don't think they care. She's the Camp Lord's daughter," she hadn't mentioned that earlier, "The male's a monster, he'll see this as a way to build an alliance,"

"By selling his daughter into marriage with a human, whose people hate all fae?"

"Yes. She's not a person in his eyes, just something he can use to improve his standing, to bring him closer to ruling all of Illyria, not just Ironcrest, he's never kept his ambitions secret,"

"Why am I only just hearing about this now?"

"Because I didn't think it was relevant, I hadn't even considered that it might be a part of his motivations for leaving, but if we're right," he trailed off, "Shit." he finished, "If we're right, we'll have to take her with us when we leave, can you get close to her again? Subtly try and see if she's loyal to the Night Court or not?"

"Yeah, that should be fine, but what if I can't get to her?"

"Just try, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." She sighed and stepped back when Azriel pushed his chair out, tugging her into his lap. She sighed again and looped her arms around his neck, leaning into him as she closed her eyes. "You said there was an idiot earlier?"

"He, um, it doesn't matter,"

"Yes, it does," Azriel pressed a kiss to the top of her head, his thumb stroking up and down her ribcage, "It's clearly upset you, whatever it is, talk to me, please,"

"The great Spymaster begging, not something I expected," she laughed,

"Stop deflecting, if you don't want to talk, that's fine, but I'm worried about you, okay? You're alone out there, and someone upset you, I'd like to help if I can,"

"Az, really, it's okay, it was just one of the males making a few comments, and he just made me uncomfortable,"

"Just some comments?"

"And, um, he grabbed my face," she quieted when he stilled, going dangerously quiet, "He let go, Az,"

"Before or after you mentioned your 'husband'?" Oh shit, she couldn't lie, he'd know, and she didn't want him to think she didn't trust him, she did, but she didn't want him upset, she didn't want him to do something stupid,

"After," she whispered, turning in his lap to cup his face at the shuddering breath he drew in, "It's okay, he didn't hurt me, and he let me go, I'm fine, it's not worth it,"

"He scared you." Not a question, but Gwyn answered anyway,

"Yes." She looked away, afraid to see the disappointment that she couldn't defend herself against one male,

"Who was it?" Gwyn shook her head, "Who, Gwyn?" He softened his voice, but the threat was no less clear,

"I'm not telling you, you'll kill him, and draw attention, and bust our cover,"

"I don't care,"

"You don't care? I care, we're here for a reason, are you hearing yourself right now?" She demanded, glaring at him, but relented slightly at the fear in his eyes beneath the layers of anger, he was worried about her, and that was allowed, but she couldn't let him jeopardize their mission for her.

*****

Gwyn was right, he wasn't thinking straight, but all he wanted was to find that male, whoever he was, and tear him apart with his bare hands. This male who'd thought to put his hands on the female he loved, the female who'd time and again proven that she was the strongest person he knew. He would kill everyone in this damn palace if he had to, but he had to know who it was, at least so that he could makes sure that the male didn't walk off any future battlefield. She was still staring at him, and he sighed, drawing in a few deep breaths, her calmness helping to ground him as she rubbed her thumbs across his cheekbone,

"I know," she muttered, "I know, I wanted to break his balls, but we can't, once we have what we need, once we're leaving, then you can kill him." There was no hesitation in her eyes, she wanted the male dealt with, and she wouldn't begrudge him this, but she put their mission first, like he should. Still, the idea of letting someone who had hurt her just wander around was too much, he should put the mission first, but for some reason he couldn't.

She's worried you think less of her for not punching him in the gut, she did want to though.

Of course, she did, it's Gwyn.

She thinks you'll be disappointed.

"Gwyn?" Azriel slowly turned her face back towards him, "Are you really okay?"

"Yes. Why do you keep asking?"

"I'm waiting for an answer I believe."

"Well, I'm fine,"

"I'm not buying it, Gwyn, please, let me help,"

"I'm fine, I'm not hurt, I played the 'husband' card and he let me go, it rattled me, and he scared me, and I couldn't even deal with one male, and that's pathetic, but I'm fine. I'm fine surrounded by these types of males, I can defend myself, apparently, but today I failed, but not every female here can, and I have you to shout for, to threaten with, what if they don't? What if their husbands, fathers, brothers don't care? What if they are those males? I couldn't deal with one, and I'm supposed to be able to, and what if I panic when it really matters, what if something happens again at some point and I just panic?" She was shaking as she spoke, unable to stop the words, and Azriel just held her, brushing the tears away, letting her speak, "I'm supposed to be good at this, I can defend myself, but I got scared, and for a few seconds I lost it, I only made a plan once it was too late if he'd tried anything, he could have done anything before I'd sorted my mind out to stop him." She sucked in an unsteady breath, then another, and another, shallower, faster.

"Breathe in," Azriel ordered, "No, in," she released the breath, "Gwyn. Breathe in." She did as he said, panic flooding her gaze as she clung to him, "Now hold it," she was still sobbing quietly, but she did hold the breath, "Now breathe out." She did and immediately sucked in a shallow breath, "I want you to hold when you breathe out as well, love," She nodded, struggling to draw in another deep breath, but held Azriel's gaze, "I've got you," she breathed in, and held it, "I love you," she breathed out, and held it, "You're safe," in again, "You're here with me," out and hold, "You are the bravest," she drew in another breath, more controlled this time, "The strongest female I've ever met."

She released the breath, finally able to breathe without holding in between breaths, "I am always, always in awe of you, Gwyn, you astound me every day. Today, you found your head, you didn't let your fear win, you escaped the situation." She nodded, and buried her face in his neck, still managing those deep breaths, murmuring something to herself, but when she quieted, Azriel continued, "Every day that you don't let the fear win in a victory, each time you win out over that fear is another 'fuck you' to the ones who hurt you, each time you choose to be happy over being afraid is another day that I am in awe of you," his own tears were falling now, "Please, Gwyn, never think less of yourself for your fear, it is only with that fear that you can be brave, there is no courage without fear, and you prove every day, that I have no idea, none, what true courage is. You have that true courage, and it's part of why I fell for you, and no-one can take it from you, no-one, so promise me one thing, never forget that, never forget that your courage cannot be broken, not by anyone, and certainly not by your fear. Can you promise me that, never forget?" Gwyn sniffed, and snuggled into him again, but nodded, sending another tears slipping down Azriel's own face,

"I promise."

[gryffindordaughterofathena]

Hi fellow Gryffindor! Hope you're read for:

Not Yet Wed Questions

Note: Great Scott! This week, we are going back in time to MC’s intern year. Think of Ethan’s relationship with them at this point and answer the following questions accordingly. It is entirely up to you when in year 1 this takes place (pre/post Miami, pre/post CH 15, etc). Feel free to answer with dialogue or pictures or both :) Have fun!

No worries. All of this is off the record and HR will never know!

The setting for this answers is:

For Both

When I first saw them, I thought__________

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Three people at work your coworker hates?

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

(Bonus round! Feel free to skip.)

Never have I Ever:

come into work hungover

had a fistfight

been kicked out of a bar

gotten a tattoo

broken someone’s heart

been in love

For MC (Ethan is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What do you find the most impressive about him?

Last thing he texted you?

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

For Ethan (MC is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Last thing she texted you?

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

Ahh my favorite time of the week again. Also on a side note these questions are brilliant.

I am sorry for being late, my school thinks it's okay to torture seventeen year olds, smh

(Ignore if there are any typos, I am sleep deprived)

Previous Interviews

The setting for these answers is: Two days before they leave for Miami. Diana already knows about Naveen and as an extra context, they now spend time together at his apartment or at Derry Roasters to discuss Naveen's case and both of them (grudgingly in Ethan's case) call each other ahem...."friends"

-----------------

[Two people make their way towards the busy little coffee shop down the street from the hospital, the man furtively looking over his shoulder, as if scared of being spotted, the woman, sensing her companion's distress, puts a tentative hand on his arm, which visibly seems to calm him somewhat. He sends a grateful smile her way.]

ETHAN : We are both busy doctors rookie, why are we supposed to do this—interview?

DIANA : It won't take long, plus we are already waiting for the test results for Doct- umm our patient.

ETHAN : Well if it will stop you from talking my ear off.

DIANA : (Says nothing just smiles)

(FOR BOTH)

When I first saw them, I thought ________

Diana : Actually the first time we met it was kinda in the midst of an emergency, so I didn't get much time to form an impression but once he left I thought he was a (glances towards Ethan, then says in a rush) handsome asshole.

Ethan : Excuse me, what?

Diana : Well after I helped save the woman you told me that it was incredible I didn't kill her, forgive me if I can't think that you were an asshole.

Ethan : (a little flustered) That's not what I said excuse me fo- never mind, I thought she wasn't completely incompetent for an intern and also that she's quite bold.

Di : "Bold" ?

E : Yes, you tried to flirt with me.

Di : Oh that was before I knew who you were.

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Ethan : She alternates between Shit and Fuck

Diana : Goddamnit and Fuck

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Diana : Blue, a bright clear blue.... umm it's quite noticeable when someone chews you out every other day.

Ethan : Dark brown that appears almost black at times.

Diana : (mutters)I am surprised he can see my eyes from his giraffe height

Ethan : glares at her

Diana : What? Oh did I say that out loud? Umm well it's true (shrugs)

Three people at work your coworker hates?

Diana : (giggling) I think it's easier to tell you about three people he doesn't hate, he hates everyone except Dr. Banerjee, Dr. Emery both of whom he respects and well me.

Ethan : (a rare smile playing in his lips) who said anything about not hating you Rookie?

Diana : Because you are my partner in crime and I think we are friends.

Ethan : "partner in crime"?

Diana : Yes we go to burning buildings together and anyways deny as much as you want, you don't hate me.

Ethan : (softly) I don't. (composing himself) In case of Dr. Ramirez, I don't think she can ever hate anyone, she herself says "I love everyone" I don't know how that's possible but she doesn't hate anyone at this place.

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

Diana : Definitely pinching the bridge of his nose thing, I once tried counting how many times he did it while morning rounds, it was exactly 17 times in two hours.

Ethan : Not my fault most interns are utterly hopeless. In Diana's case it's forgetting a hair tie every day and using a pen or a pencil to keep her hair up.

Di : This irritates him so much that he keeps a spare tie in his office now.

Ethan : I don't know why I put up with these habits (pinches the bridge of his nose)

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

Diana : (in an uncanny imitation of Ethan's gruff voice) It's beyond me to have juvenile emotions such as a crush, it's mostly a result of continued exposure to the person for a long time anyways.

Ethan : What- I don't sound like that

Diana : You do!

Ethan : For her it might be one of her friends, they seem quite enamored by her.

Di : My friends....nah! It's someone else

E : Who else do you spend time with to have a crush on?

Di : A girl's gotta have some secrets. (muttering so softly that Ethan doesn't hear it) how much more oblivious can a man be?

(NEVER HAVE I EVER ROUND)

Ethan : What is that?

Di : You drink if you have done said thing before, it's a classic drinking game.

E : I am not playing any such game.

Di : Come on we are already doing this.

E : *Grumbles in agreement*

come into work hungover

The iced coffee lies untouched before both of them.

Diana : We are responsible doctors.

had a fistfight

Both take a sip of their respective beverages.

Diana : Okay I'll go first, I once punched a guy in seventh grade because he was being obnoxious and then his other friends taunted him on being punched by a girl which hurt his male ego and he tried to fight back but some of our teachers spotted me dodging it and I escaped punishment because of my pristine record.

Ethan : Well, in our field there are many power hungry morons who deserve being punched.

been kicked out of a bar

Ethan takes another sip, Diana doesn't.

Diana : Okay dish

E : We all do regrettable things in our youth.

Di : Really, you won't tell us?

E : (grins) I am going for an air of mystery.

Di : Well it's working

(Both smile at each other, forgetting their surroundings for some time)

gotten a tattoo.

None of them drink.

Di : It hurts like hell so I am never getting one.

broken someone’s heart.

Di : Nah! I haven't. But Ethan you drink this time.

Ethan : Why?

Di : Honestly have you ever seen the way the nurses look at you?

Ethan : If you say so (takes a sip)

been in love

Ethan : Doesn't drink but all of a sudden he fixes his gaze at her almost involuntarily.

Di : (Drinks) I like to think I have been in love before.

Ethan : (trying to look as uninterested as possible) What changed?

Di : Well we broke up after around two yearsof dating.

Ethan : (doesn't say anything but looks visibly less tense)

Di : Oh we are out of coffee...

E : You sit here I'll place our orders.

Di : Thanks

(DIANA)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

Di : Professionally he'll most definitely contribute even more to the medical world, lead the Diagnostic Team like the best doctor he is. Personally, I dunno maybe he'll find someone, I hope he does, he needs someone to help and support him through his problem of shouldering every little thing.

What do you find the most impressive about him?

Diana : His passion for medicine obviously, you should see when he talks about medicine, it's so evident how much he loves what he does and also how much he cares despite the gruff exterior he puts on in front of everyone.

Last thing he texted you?

Diana : He hates texting, so I think his last text was, let me see (scrolls through her phone)

"We need to put ciprofloxacin in our list, can you do me a favor by adding it?"

It's uh about a case.

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

Diana : It's never going to happen, he's Ethan Ramsey and I am, well me, but if uh hypothetically he asked me out, I'd say yes immediately, hypothetically obviously.

(Ethan returns with the coffee, then looks at Di's flustered face)

Ethan : What were you talking about?

Diana : Uh nothing I was just - (her pager goes off) We have the test results, I'll go and bring those back in a few minutes.

(ETHAN)

Where do you see her in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

Ethan : She'll be an amazing doctor obviously, maybe even with a spot on the diagnostic team. I suppose she won't hear this?

Interviewer : No, she won't.

Ethan : Personally, with someone who values her contribution to our sphere of work, I suppose.

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Ethan : I really shouldn't be talking about this.

Interviewer : Don't worry, no one's hearing about this, it's just some extra information so that we know you better.

Ethan : She's an attractive woman obviously, but I think her smile, it's difficult to ignore and her eyes.

Last thing she texted you?

Ethan : "I AM DONE WITH MY PATIENTS🤩🥳"

"IT'S LIKE EVERYONE DECIDED TO BE SICK TODAY"

followed by a series of emoticons

"😣😖😫😩"

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

Ethan : I would have to turn her down, I am her boss.

(gazing wistfully at the street, eyes glued at Diana's approaching figure)

But perhaps in a different life I would have said yes.

Ethan : I think that's enough questions, she's here now and we have important matters at hand which require our attention.

-------------------

Taglist : @genevievemd @jamespotterthefirst @drariellevalentine @rookie-ramsey @aleynareads @miss-smrxtiee @terrm9 @aestheticartsx @fireycookie @maurine07 @starrystarrytrouble @schnitzelbutterfingers @tsrookie @anntoldstories @iemcpbchoices @stygianflood @sophxwithers @actuallybored @iloveethanramsey @natureblooms24 @chemist-ana @mercury84choices @casey-v @uneravine @mm2305 @mrsethanfreakingramsey @smilex1104 @missmiimiie @shanzay44 @sweetheartdetectivex @potionsprefect @headoverheelsforramsey @jerzwriter @mainstreetreader @coffeeheartaddict @adiehardfan @mia143

-----------------------

[ladynestaarcheron]

Like Pristine Glass - Chapter Sixteen

ao3 - ff.net - masterpost

(tagging these cuties: @humanexile @skychild29 @rhysandsdarlingfeyre @candid-confetti ��� @rhysandsrightknee @missing-merlin @azriels-forgotten-shadow @books-and-cocos @sezkins79 @city-of-fae @someonemagical @dusty-lightbulb @messyhairday-me @rinad307)

hey, y’all! here is chapter sixteen, and the longest one yet! (and probably ever.) normally i feel like i have a lot to chat with you about, but i don’t have much this time, so...thanks to @thestarwhowishes for betaing and you for reading, and i hope all y’all stay safe!!

---

December 18 - 4 years after

The park tires them out completely, so Nesta and Cassian lay the children down for a nap before dinner.

"It's a new restaurant," Cassian tells Nesta. "Very up-and-coming. But we have a private room for us."

"Who's us?"

"Your sisters. And us."

"All right." Nesta doesn't ask about the others she still hasn't seen. Azriel, Morrigan...Amren.

Cassian takes a deep breath. "There's something you should know. About who's coming to Solstice."

Nesta freezes. She already knows who's coming—all of Feyre's new friends (although she supposes they're not so new anymore)—her husband, obviously, Morrigan, Azriel, Amren. Amren's...paramour. If they're still together.

"It's Emerie."

Nesta jerks backward. Emerie? "Em...from...why is she coming?"

Her employer, her...friend. Sort of. Nesta had not been in the right mindset to properly have a friend; she did not treat Emerie the way she treats Amorette, but she might have gotten there. If she had not left.

"She's actually...well, this isn't her first Solstice with us. She's not really spending it with us, honestly. She's spending it with...Mor."

She blinks. With Mor?

"They're together. They have been for a few years now, actually."

Nesta could not have been more shocked if he had told her he was going to leave to move in with Maz. Two of her worlds colliding in such a bizarre way, such an unexpected match. It all dawns on her slowly: if Emerie is with Morrigan, and she has come here, to Velaris, for Solstice with all of them, then she knows Feyre. She knows Elain. Had they spoken of her?

And what is Emerie doing with someone like Morrigan, anyway?

She doesn't voice any of this to Cassian. "All right."

He studies her carefully. She can feel his eyes tracing every minute movement. "Are you upset?"

"No," she answers—truthfully, because she's not. She's baffled. And disappointed in Emerie's taste.

She supposes she doesn't have any right to be upset. She can't exactly see this as a betrayal, for Emerie did nothing to deserve Nesta leaving and following silence. And, well, she never exactly spoke of the quiet, violent mutual loathing she and Morrigan shared. Not with Emerie, at least.

But still, Emerie can do better.

She keeps this to herself, though. Cassian loves Morrigan, she knows this.

"What exactly is the itinerary?"

"Well, I thought we could just show the children Velaris," Cassian says, "with your sisters, maybe. And then Solstice at Feyre and Rhys'. Was there...something in particular you wanted to do?"

Does she want to see someone outside the mandatory Solstice she signed up for, he means. And the answer is no, most certainly not. Or, well, it was, before she knew Emerie was going to be here. But perhaps Emerie doesn't want to see her. So she just says, "No, that sounds all right," and tries to find something to busy herself with until it's time to go to dinner.

When they finally do go, Cassian holding Avery and Nesta holding Ollie and Nicky walking between them, Nesta can see that the place is indeed popular. It's in an area of Velaris she doesn't know very well—not close to any of the establishments she frequented while living here years ago—but there's a rather large crowd of people waiting outside. Reservations are probably booked more than just a few days in advance.

A perky red-haired female at the front leads them to a private room, where Feyre and Elain are already waiting. Elain leaps up when she sees them and throws open her arms for Nicky to run into.

"I missed you!" she says, laughing, and pulling Avery and Ollie in for a hug too. "Hi, Nesta, I missed you too!"

"You as well," she says, a bit curtly, even to her own ears. But she kisses Elain on both her cheeks and gives her a small smile as she sits down.

"This place is really amazing," Elain tells them.

"It...looks nice," Nesta says, gazing around. It does look nice, but all restaurants do. None of the stained glass lampshades warrant waiting outside to be seated, in her opinion.

"I've never been to a restaurant before," Nicky says, excited.

"Nicky, don't be ridiculous, of course you have."

"Not all the way across the sea!"

Nesta catches Cassian's eye and stifles an eye-roll as he grins.

"He's right," he says.

"Quite."

"Are you three excited for Solstice?" Feyre asks the children.

"Yeah, we're so excited."

"Our friends are not here," Nicky says.

"Oh, I know, but we're here! That'll be fun, right?"

"Right!"

"Are you excited for Solstice presents, Ollie?" Elain asks him.

He blushes and nods, looking down at his lap.

"Ollie wants a caterpillar," Avery informs Elain.

"A caterpillar? Well, I guess we'll have to wait and see what we all get."

Nesta bites on the inside of her cheek. In a rather unprecedented move on her part, before leaving Sugar Valley, she had purchased gifts for her sisters and Cassian as well. She had spent probably a month discussing her thoughts with Amorette on the matter (that is, blathering on while Amorette offered her sympathetic support), came to the firm decision that she was not buying any gifts, and then suddenly rushed out the day before they left to buy things. She still isn't sure what came over her.

"So, I thought tomorrow we could go see my gallery," Feyre says. "You three like to paint, don't you?"

They chatter in excitement, eager to see all the things their aunts and father are promising them. Nesta loves to see them like this, bubbling over in happy anticipation. But she swallows hard as she watches them—they are so good at this, Cassian, Elain, and Feyre. It comes so naturally to them; joy and cheer and infectious laughter. And she has to work so hard at it.

Jealousy writhes inside her, like nothing she's ever felt before. Disconcerting, to say the least—but this was never her holiday season.

---

December 27 - Year of

The heavy snow that winter always brought into their tiny village was nothing compared to the blizzard that hit the Illyrian mountains; and Emerie assured Nesta that it happened every year. Nesta was sure that this meant Cassian would not be coming back any time soon—how could he fly in this?—but she saw the legions take to the skies day after day, and eventually, it was Cassian soaring down. She hurried away from the window and threw herself into her favorite spot on the couch, opening her book to a random page and pretending to read.

She felt him approach the door, felt his hand linger for a moment too long on the knob before opening it.

"Hey," he said, stepping inside. "I'm back," he added.

Nesta did not lower her book, but raised her eyes to look at him. There was snow stuck in some crevices of his wings, ice in his hair.

He grinned when he saw her eyes tracing him. "Still reading that?" He nodded towards her book.

"Re-reading," she lied. "It was good. And I'm out."

His grin widened as he crossed over to the fireplace. "Is that so?"

She didn't answer, only tensed as she saw he was going to light a fire, and braced herself for the snapping sound, like the cracking of a neck, her father's neck.

"Don't know how you stand sitting here without it," he said, more to himself than to her. "Well, anyway," he continued, turning around, "I guess I made a—what's wrong?"

Nesta jerked her head downwards to the book, forcing herself to concentrate on counting the letters on the page. "Nothing."

"Is it..." He didn't finish his sentence. She knew what he was thinking. He had only just come back; how was she already distant?

She couldn't bring herself to say anything. He wanted the fire burning, of course he did, he was freezing. It was normal. This, this fear of the mundane, was not. She had conquered her—it still mortified her, even to think it—aversion to baths, but there was no way to ease into hearing something. You either lit a fire or you did not. Striking a sole match did not make noise. The bonfires Emerie had dragged her hadn't been much help, either, for they had not gone close enough to hear anything over the noise the hundreds of Illyrians had been making.

She was up to thirty-seven when Cassian put out the fire.

"You're hogging all the blankets," he said. "Give me one."

Wordlessly, she pushed one off her, letting him take it as he sat next to her. She couldn't meet his eyes—how had he known?

"So, I guess I made a good choice. With your Solstice present. If you're rereading this garbage."

Now Nesta did look up, to see him smirking at her.

"This isn't garbage," she said, closing the book. A present...she didn't think he was going to get her anything. Especially since she hadn't exactly accepted his present last year.

She hadn't gotten him anything. The thought hadn't even occurred to her, really. What would she even get him?

"It's in the bag," he said pointing to something he had dumped by the front door.

Definitely not what he had gotten her last year, then. A much bigger bag than anything he had had on his person last year.

Nesta wrapped one of the blankets around her as she went to see what it was. She slipped out a box, wrapped in deep blue paper, and brought it back to the couch.

It felt rather heavy. She figured it was books.

"Open it," he encouraged.

She did, careful with the wrapping. A brown box, with the words NightWrite printed in swirly lettering. She looked up at him.

"Open it!"

She did. There was indeed a book inside, but that wasn't all. There was a candle, coffee scented, a set of rather fine pens, a beautiful, leatherbound notebook, a bar of what she knew was some of the Night Court's finest chocolate, some little flowers she thought might be soap, and a few other small things. There was a card, too.

"A subscription?"

"For the female who reads. Well, that's their slogan, anyway."

A book each month, she read. And different things along with it.

"You can choose the books in the next months. But I chose the first one. I think you'll like it. It's children's stories...I knew some of them, growing up."

It was...incredibly, surprisingly thoughtful, first of all. The kind of thing she would never think to buy herself, because she wasn't aware anything like this existed. And it would come every month. Which...while she was here...meant a lot. Every month, a new book, just for her. Along with all this other...stuff. Stuff she liked.

She looked up at him. "Thank you."

He pulled back—was he surprised? But he moved closer to her, after a moment. "You're welcome."

They didn't say anything else for a short while, but then Cassian told her he was going to take a shower, and she said she would get started on dinner, and they both turned to their respective new tasks.

But her eyes kept wandering in the direction of his bedroom, and she knew he was staring towards the kitchen.

---

December 20 - 4 years after

While her fellow townspeople in Sugar Valley are probably wreathing sugarberry crowns around their heads, Nesta is cleaning Cassian's kitchen. He's spent the past few days referring to it as their home, but that doesn't sit quite right with her. The location is wonderful; close to the shallower areas of the Sidra, all the necessities, and a park. But it's still in Velaris, and this isn't Nesta's home.

Tonight is the first time Nesta has had some proper time to herself since she's gotten here. Cassian has not left her side until a few hours ago, when some unexpected work came off and he had to leave before dinner.

It's not exactly uncomfortable, this never ending domesticity, it's just odd. Having him at her side all waking hours of the day. Not even Illyria had been like that.

The shift into it had been strange, and now the lack of anyone around her, the complete silence, is rather jarring, so Nesta doesn't even pause to wonder who is at the door when she hears the knock; just goes to open it.

And there she is: ink black hair braided over her shoulder, brown, wide set eyes unblinking, smooth brown skin seemingly unaffected by the cold—no trace of red in her cheeks, no raised hairs. But there is a slight quiver in her scarred wings that gives her away.

Emerie.

The pair don't say anything for...Nesta doesn't even know how long. But Emerie recovers first, and she says, "Can I come in?"

And Nesta, opening the door wider, says, "Of course," like this is a normal calling, like she's been expecting her.

The Gilameyvan hospitality Aysel, Miri, and Zeyn have carefully taught her escapes her now. She offers no tea, doesn't take her coat...Amorette would be disappointed. She likes to think Nesta's made progress.

"So," Emerie says finally. "You had children."

Who had told her, Nesta wonders. Was it Morrigan? "Yes. Three."

Emerie nods, looking around the living room, where they both stand. There's a bit more to look at than there was when Nesta arrived a few days ago—the children had picked out a painting from Feyre's gallery to hang on the wall—but not nearly enough to warrant the heavy silence.

Nesta doesn't like to talk about what doesn't concern her, so she doesn't ask about Morrigan. She doesn't need to, though, because after another minute of quiet, Emerie says, "I'm with Mor now."

"I heard," she says.

"I think you might like her, actually."

Nesta bites her tongue. Emerie notices.

"I meant if you two knew each other. Really. I know you both," she adds. Then she frowns a little.

"Emerie..."

Where to begin? Nesta's got no shortage of mistakes in her repertoire, but before her stands the result of one she is particularly sorry for. Emerie did nothing wrong.

There's a bluntness that must run in the veins of the Night Court people, because when Emerie says, "Why did you leave?" her voice is not accusing, but low and flat and hollow.

"Sit down," Nesta says, finding a spot on the couch herself.

Emerie sits, folding her skirts in as she does so. Nesta's lips tug upwards slightly. Despite being with Morrigan, Queen of the Dream Court, Emerie is still bedecked in her Illyrian simplicity. Does it drive her spare, what with her inclination towards those strips of crimson silk she calls dresses? Or does she like it, seeing Emerie as some kind of peasant fantasy?

Emerie doesn't repeat herself, but she sees the question etched in her face.

She's not cut out for these sort of conversations. She doesn't speak her mind, doesn't directly address any issues on the table. So if Emerie had done this to her, she would've just ignored it—perhaps pretended like it never happened and acted distant, perhaps never spoken to her again. But she's in the wrong here, and Emerie deserves what she wants: an explanation.

So Nesta steels herself, takes a deep breath, and tries to summon what Cassian had once seen in her. "I know I hurt you, but my leaving had nothing to do with you. I'm sorry." Then she holds her breath.

Emerie's eyes wander around the room. "Oh," she says finally.

Oh? Is that it? Emerie's not one for passionate displays of emotion—one of Nesta's favorite things about her—but she'd expected more of a dramatic response.

"So why did you leave, then?" she asks again.

Nesta blinks. "I couldn't stay. I thought...I deserved more."

Emerie is quiet again. "So why didn't you say anything to me?"

"I thought you'd talk me out of it."

"Well, you should've known better than that." There's not any sympathy or sharpness in her words. They're just there, black on white, clear as day, honest.

Nesta flinches. She's right. Emerie has only ever told her to do the smart, right thing for herself. By way of poorly formed metaphors about her own regrets, maybe, but nonetheless. "I'm sorry."

"I should go," Emerie says, standing.

Nesta stands too. "I'll walk you out."

Every step is painfully awkward and also just painful. She never meant to hurt Emerie, but she's not sure how much that's worth.

Emerie stops abruptly at the front door. "I'll meet them tomorrow?" she asks.

"Meet whom?"

"Your children."

"Oh," Nesta says. "Yes. Well. If you'll be there for dinner."

"I will."

"Then...yes."

"All right," Emerie says, then leaves. She doesn't look back, but Nesta can't stop staring at her.

When she finally does manage to tear herself away from the front windows, long after Emerie has disappeared from sight, Nesta drags herself to bed, glass of wine in hand. She knew a trip to Velaris and all it brings might trigger some...old habits of hers, so she makes sure to leave the bottle downstairs in the kitchen and sip slowly.

She hears Cassian come in a half an hour later. He finds her in her room, staring unblinking out onto the dark waters of the Sidra.

"Nesta?" he asks.

"Oh, hello," she says, not moving her eyes.

He walks over and sits on the bed, blocking her view. "Are you all right?"

She focuses on his face. His eyebrows are pulled together, his lips pressed. "What's wrong?"

She drains what's left in her glass and sets it down on the nightstand, then lays herself down on the bed. Tucking a hand underneath her head, she pulls her hair from its ties and braids and sprawls it out.

He lies down next to her maneuvering his wings so they aren't touching her. "Emerie came?"

She doesn't answer.

"What did she say?"

Nesta waits a few seconds before saying, "She asked why."

"Oh."

He shares in the quiet with her. Minutes go by, and he doesn't say anything, only waits. She doesn't know if he means it as an offering of partnership, but she takes it as such.

"I don't have a good answer for her," she whispers.

"That's all right," he tells her, matching her pitch. "She's fine. She missed you but she's fine."

"It was wrong."

"That's all right too."

If Emerie forgives her, does she have to forgive everyone else? If that's true, then does she want Emerie to forgive her? Of course she does—the only other option is that Emerie is angry with her, or that she doesn't matter to her anymore. Which is worse, she wonders, causing someone pain, proving your importance to them, or having them move on? She doesn't trust herself to come up with an answer. What if she's too sel—

Cassian puts his hand on hers. "Stop thinking so loudly." His tone is teasing but Nesta knows he's serious.

She moves her eyes from the ceiling to his face, tilting her head a little.

"You're back now," he says quietly.

Nesta looks back at the ceiling.

"Emerie loves you more than you hurt her. It's true," he adds, sensing her doubt. He squeezes her hand.

She holds her breath. Is he going to say what she suspects? She doesn't know if she wants him too.

But Cassian only rubs his thumb on hers. "You've said your piece. All you can do is wait for her to make her choice."

"I'm not very good at saying my piece." She's never been good at talking on the spot. She doesn't have the natural charisma Cassian or Feyre have, none of Elain's likability. She's too prickly and stiff.

"Some of us like you anyway."

That makes her laugh a little. "Thanks."

"Let go of your thoughts," he says. "Focus on your breathing and mine."

She listens to him, and at first, it takes up most of her concentration, and then it all fades away. Before she slips under, the only thing she's aware of his hand on hers and the shadow of his wings over them both.

---

December 20 - 1 year after

Sugar Valley was all closed for the holiday, but everyone was still outside, wandering the town, shouting festive-themed pleasantries instead of the usual "come round for jam!"s that Nesta normally heard. Snow fell to the ground, but not so much as Illyria had had last year. Little enough that she could walk around outside.

She hadn't expected to actually go to this silly party that Zeyn had told her about, but he and Miri and even Leyla, one of the other archivists, had spoken to her about it at length and prodded her again and again to come.

So she did, opting for a dress in a pale lilac instead of her usual grey, in an attempt to be festive. She was never one for bright colors, but before it all, she did wear more than just charcoal and the occasional blue.

Leyla seemed to like the dress, as she complimented her on it as soon as Nesta entered the store, shrugging off her cloak.

"Where did you get it?" she asked, beaming at her.

"Maternity aisle at Classia's," Nesta answered, referring to a small boutique in town. The female who ran it was from Prythian, which had made Nesta tense before stepping inside. But she hadn't seemed to recognise her, or at least, she hadn't said anything if she did.

"I love maternity clothes," Leyla gushed.

Perhaps she was trying to be nice, but Nesta just didn't know what to reply to that. But Zeyn came in from the back room just then and lit up when he saw her.

"You came!"

"Yes," she said. They all said odd things here, didn't they?

"Have some of the isti," Zeyn said, waving her towards the table. Isti was what they called that delicious berry-chocolate drink he had given her before.

The store was handsomely decorated, with sugarberries strung up along the shelves and tiny twinkling faelights dotted here and there. Her dress, as it turned out, was not as festive as she thought, because everyone here was dressed in deep burgundy; the same color as their patron fruit. Oh, well. Shades of purple, all the same.

"Nesta," Miri greeted her from behind. "Here, take a wreath." And she placed something atop her head.

Nesta took it off to look at it. "What does Solstice have to do with sugarberries?" she asked, genuinely curious.

"Every solstice and equinox is a chance to celebrate our home," Miri said.

"Do they bloom year-round?"

"They do here."

Sugarberries looked very much like the stuff that had grown on trees by their shabby little cottage under the Wall. Nesta remembered Feyre eying them one winter, and Elain informing her not to bother, that they were poisonous.

Perhaps the magic kept them from being so. Or perhaps that which was harmful to humans was pleasant to faeries. Or maybe they were just a different fruit.

"How are you doing?"

"All right," Nesta answered automatically. She was most certainly not doing all right. Pregnancy was a nightmare. She was vaguely aware of passers-by eyes lingering on her for longer than strictly necessary, and, to be frank, she had seen her own reflection—she knew that the weight she had gained in her first trimester only rounded out her curves. But nothing about Nesta was lovely when she put herself to bed at night, feet blistering from simply standing, and waking up a few short hours later to violently vomit everything she had eaten the previous day.

Amorette Dadashov, her healer, assured her it was normal for a fae pregnancy. That might comfort Nesta later, when she wasn't starting and ending every day in pain.

"Have a seat," Miri said, pulling up a chair. "You look tired."

She was exhausted. Amorette had told her that was a normal part of pregnancy, too.

"Good of you to come," Miri said.

"It's very important to the shop, isn't it?"

"Yes," Miri said, after a short beat. "Sit here, dear. I'm going to drag Adil out."

She came back a few minutes later, a grumbling Adil in tow. "Don't see what the point is. We see each other every day. We'll see each other tomorrow at the town's parade."

"Hush," Miri said. "Sit with Nesta. String wreaths."

Nesta had not been to any real holiday parties, but this one still struck her as odd. Adil was right—they did see each other every day. It wasn't even the holiday yet, it was still the day before.

"Do you not like Solstice?"

Nesta looked up from her wreath. She wasn't very good at making them. She kept dropping the berries trying to string them. "You don't look like you're particularly enjoying yourself."

"I am," he said seriously. "Well, Miri is. That's the same."

Nesta averted her eyes. How did you look at someone when they spoke of another person like that?

Adil cleared his throat. "I think there might be something I have you should read."

"Oh...human-authored?"

"No, not a book. Well, it's not really mine. It's from the bank."

Nesta frowned. Her account was all in order, and it wasn't through her employer. "The bank?"

"I...spoke to Erest. Our councilhead?"

She'd met him. She'd been expecting someone like the High Lords, and he was irritating, but in a harmless way. Like everyone else she had met here. "All right," she said, wondering where this was going.

His brow furrowed, deep blue lips a thin line. "You're not registered as a citizen of Sugar Valley yet."

"I know," she said. Amorette had mentioned something about it to her in passing.

"Well, if you were...it'll be easier for you to buy a house here. Easier to sign up for nurseries, too."

Nurseries? All Nesta had decided was that she wasn't terminating the pregnancy.

"Well, I don't think I'm in the market for a house."

"There's a property in one of the younger neighborhoods," he said. "Spacious...enough. Nice yard. Close to the town's center. You should look. It never hurts to look."

"I...really don't think I can afford a house right now—"

"No. You'll be able to afford this one." He didn't look at her, just picked at his wreath. "You should look at it."

Had he struck some sort of deal with the councilhead? No one had ever attempted to give Nesta her own space before...

"I will."

He gave the slightest nod in answer. She didn't thank him, but she got the feeling she wasn't supposed to.

---

December 21 - 4 years after

Nesta's quiet, contented sleep is interrupted before the rising sun hits her through the window by an excited little voice rushing in along with small footsteps.

"Mummy, Mummy, it's Solstice morning, come—"

Nicky stops abruptly as both Nesta and Cassian sit up in bed. His eyes widen, and dart between both of them. He wrings his hands in front of him and sucks in his cheeks.

Nesta's face burns, splotchy redness surely covering her cheeks. "It's all right!" she says, trying to speak calmly and failing miserably. "It's all right! You can come here, Nicky!" She holds out her arms and waves him over.

Nicky, unsure of himself, walks towards her slowly. He stops every few steps and looks around. His cheeks redden slightly, too.

"Good morning," she says, pulling him closer and dropping a kiss on his forehead.

"Happy Solstice," Cassian adds.

Nicky looks up at her. She nods at him encouragingly. "Did you want something from Mummy, angel?"

"I was going to tell you that it's Solstice."

"It is, you're right."

"Are you hungry? Do you want breakfast? We can go get started while Mummy wakes up Ava and Ollie."

"Do you want to go make breakfast with Appa?" she asks him. He nods and she gives him another kiss. "All right, go on."

Without making eye contact with Cassian, she passes Nicky to him. She smooths her hair as they leave.

She'll have to talk to Nicky, of course. Tell him...what? She'll have to ask him what he thinks, first. To see if she needs to reassure him or answer his questions—oh, fuck, he'll tell his siblings, won't he? Of course he will. It's Nicky. He doesn't have a discreet bone in his body. Hopefully Cassian will have distracted him enough by the time she brings Avery and Ollie down.

What'll she say to Cassian? She's not angry he stayed; just mortified Nicky saw them. Is she mortified? She's not sure. She won't be able to tell what she's feeling until...well, it'll be a while until she gets to talk to Amorette, won't it? And that's how she normally decides her feelings on matters of this sort.

She thinks she's managed to pull herself together enough to rouse Avery and Ollie, but she must be mistaken, because Avery asks her what's wrong before moaning that she's still tired.

"Nothing, ladybug," she assures her. "Everything's fine. Come, let's brush our teeth...Appa and Nicky are making us breakfast..."

As she helps the children with the sink—there's no step stool in this house—she comes to the conclusion that she's furious with herself. She had to pick today to fall asleep in bed with Cassian? Today, before seeing the Feyre's Inner Circle for the first time in years? Amren and Morrigan and Rhysand and even Azriel...why has she done this to herself?

"You'll be smarter than Mummy, won't you, Avery?" she mumbles.

"What, Mummy?"

"Nothing, nothing..."

Thirty seconds after entering the kitchen, where Cassian is holding Nicky in one arm and preparing eggs over the stove in the other, it becomes clear to Nesta that avoiding talking about this is going to be difficult, because Cassian seems as determined to catch her eye and talk to her as she is against doing so.

"You all can stay here with Appa, can't you?" she says brightly. "Mummy's going to get dressed." And take a bath for much longer than necessary. Perhaps that'll help her clear her head.

January 18 - Year of

Cassian hadn't left since coming back from Velaris. Nesta didn't ask why the trips to other camps had been canceled, nervous about his answer. But while he was here, while he did not bring her letters from her sisters...she was...enjoying it.

Things at the clothier were doing better. Nesta's ordering strategy worked, and Emerie seemed pleased. She shared lunch with her every day, and went back home in the evenings to have dinner with Cassian.

Even the throbbing pain in her head had ceased. Occasionally, Nesta still wanted a drink, but it had been over five months since she last had one, and sometimes there were whole days where the thought didn't cross her mind even once.

When Cassian showed up to Emerie's shop one afternoon in mid-January, basket of sandwiches in hand, Nesta didn't make up an excuse to rush out like she had last time.

"Lunch break?" he asked them both.

Emerie looked at her sideways. A small smile tugged at Nesta's lips at the sight of her unease; for someone who had only ever seen Cassian as an untouchable, more mythic creature than real person, she imagined him walking into your place of work and offering you a picnic basket would be very odd indeed.

But Emerie might have been a bit more used to Nesta and all things that came for her, because she shrugged a little and said, "All right."

So there they sat, in the back room, which Nesta had once told Cassian was employees only. She hoped he didn't remember, but judging by his smirk he did. She rolled her eyes in response.

"How's business?" he asked.

Emerie glanced at Nesta with narrowed eyes before answering. "Good. How is..." Emerie trailed off. What could she say? How is the growing restlessness amongst the legions, the steadily rising number of rebels, the threats of civil war?

"Everything's fine," Cassian said.

"You've been here more often," Emerie noted.

"More for me to do here."

What that could possibly mean, Nesta had no idea. She saw him going over reports sometimes, but that was about it. And Cassian wasn't like her; he couldn't just sit at home and read a book. An afternoon walk was not enough to invigorate him, he needed something properly challenging.

"Although I'm going to be leaving soon," he continued. "Train a group of females."

"Who are they?" Nesta asked.

"Soldiers."

"I thought you didn't have female soldiers."

"We should," he said. "It doesn't make sense to cut out half our possible numbers automatically."

"Do they want to be soldiers?" Nesta asked, looking sideways at Emerie. Nesta would not want to be one—for anyone, but definitely not for an army who sliced their daughters' bodies like that.

"Of course they do," he said.

She frowned. "I don't think wanting to be a soldier is such an obvious desire."

"They're Illyrian," he said, pouring them juice from the jug he had brought.

"I don't want to be a soldier," Emerie spoke up.

Cassian's eyes slid towards her. "We don't force anyone. But females should be allowed, if they want. If they have something to give."

Emerie shrugged.

Nesta didn't love a land enough to be willing to risk being torn apart on a battlefield for. "Why are you so keen on females fighting in combat?" she asked. "Don't you think if they really wanted to, they would have found some way to do so by now?"

"It's not true that you don't force anyone," Emerie said softly.

Cassian flinched.

"It's not Cassian's fault your cousin died, Emerie," Nesta said, without missing a beat.

Cassian seemed to hold his breath, but that was unnecessary. Emerie and Nesta knew each other well enough by now to allow for such statements.

"I know that," she said. "I don't blame him."

Nesta thought Cassian might have some long-suffering response to that, like You're the only one, or something noble, like I take responsibility anyway, but when she turned to him, he was only staring at her. Hazel eyes tense and studying, like she was one of his reports.

December 21 - 4 years after

Per Nesta's request to Cassian, Solstice dinner has been moved up several hours, so the children can participate. By five their carriage pulls up in front of Feyre's manor, and the children are vibrating with excitement.

"Nesta, maybe we could have a word before we go in?" Cassian says to her in a low voice.

"I think we want to go inside and see our presents," Nesta says, loudly, brightly, so the triplets' cheers drown out Cassian's request.

He frowns only a little—it's hard not to be taken with the sheer joy on their tiny faces. So he quickly grins and says, "All right, let's go in, then."

Nesta had her own suitcase full of gifts from herself and Sugar Valley townspeople delivered earlier (except for what she had intended to bring Cassian—she has left that at his house), and she has nothing to hold in her hands as a buffer. So for the second time this evening, she uses her children to her advantage, and picks up Ollie; the child least likely to try and wriggle out of her arms, leaving her defenseless.

Cassian leads them up to the front door. It's thrown open before they have a chance to get there, and Elain hurries out to greet them.

"Happy Solstice!" she trills, pulling in Avery and Nicky for a hug. "Come in, come in! We're all waiting for you!"

Feyre, beaming, takes their coats. She has a circlet set atop her head, her golden-brown locks lightly curling down. A gift from Rhysand, no doubt. But not for Solstice.

"Happy birthday," Nesta says to her.

Feyre's eyes flutter. "Oh, thank you!"

Nesta stifles an eyeroll. Did she think she had forgotten?

"Now, we thought you might like to keep things casual, you know, with them, so we haven't really planned for a sit-down meal...we thought they'd like presents more...is that all right?"

Nesta frowns. "I mean, we haven't fed them—"

"No, I know, I meant we're just not going to make them sit around a table. There's food! Lots of food! Just on tables. And we're all in couches. Is that all right? Right in here, see?"

See she does. Everyone.

She is pleased she's holding Ollie, as it appears to be working in his favor too, judging by how tightly he grips her as he takes in, for the first time in his life, five adults he has never seen before. Even Avery and Nicky seem a bit taken aback, with Nicky stepping a little closer to Cassian's legs and Avery looking up at him, slightly dazed.

The Inner Circle sits on assorted couches and armchairs, all dressed for the occasion. A large table of food is on the right side of the room, with bottles of fine wine and fruit drinks too. In the middle, creating a small mountain on the floor, is a pile of presents.

Amren is there, already clad in a dozen glittering jewels. Her hair is shorter than it had been last time Nesta saw her, but her silver eyes are the same: unblinking, unwavering in her stare. Their gaze locks, but she draws her eyes away, towards Cassian, when he speaks.

"These are Ava and Nicky," he says, scooping them both up and smiling down at them when they giggle, "and that's Ollie with Nesta."

Morrigan, sharing a loveseat with Emerie, is the first to stand. "Hello, Nesta," she says, face blank. Nesta does her best to keep her expression free of ire as she nods in return. "Hi there," she says, much more warmly. "Ava and Nicky and Ollie...hi. I'm Mor." She gives them an affectionate smile, brown eyes crinkled and twinkling. She reaches out her hand...to touch them? She doesn't seem to know what to do, hesitating, and settles on patting Avery's leg.

"Are you hungry?" Feyre asks. "Look, we've got food here...Nicky, you like turkey, don't you?"

"No, I don't," he answers.

"He does," Nesta tells her. "He just doesn't remember what it's called."

"Oh. Here's the table..." Feyre waves over, rather unnecessarily, at the spread of food. Normally Nesta doesn't like buffet styles, but she admits to herself that it'll definitely go over better. She can see each of her children eyeing the gifts. There's no chance of getting them to sit at a table.

"We're getting plates of food before we're opening presents," she says, looking at them. "All right?"

Nesta hasn't eaten since lunch, but being here makes her appetite disappear, so she only fixes a plot for Ollie. She sits on one of the empty couches with him on her lap. Avery sits with Cassian and Nicky sits with Elain.

The initial awkward quiet is quickly dissipated by her sisters' determination to keep the evening lovely, so they force their friends and her children into conversation. Avery, of course, takes to them all like a dragon to the skies, and Nicky does too (after looking at his elder sister, and following her lead), but Ollie keeps looking down at his lap and blushing.

"It's all right," she murmurs, kissing the top of his head. "Would you like to open presents now?"

He nods, still looking down, but his siblings hold no such qualms.

"Yes, I want to!"

"I also want to! Mummy, can I?"

"Can they, Nesta?" Feyre says, nearly begging, batting her eyes.

"Sure."

"Yes! All right, Ava...this one's from me..."

"Here, Ollie," Elain says, radiating joy as she grabs a box and walks over to him. "This is for you!"

"Thank you, Aunt Elain," he says shyly. He looks up at Nesta.

"You can open it," she encourages him. "Nicky, what do you say?"

"Thank you!"

The flurry of presents commences, with the adults in the party opening theirs as well. Glittering trinkets for Amren, of course, and some jokes about Morrigan getting everyone the same thing.

"Here, Nesta, this is from me," Feyre says, handing over a gift.

Nesta blinks. "Oh. Thanks."

She gently slides Ollie over to Elain, but he is so taken with his—eugh—live caterpillar, in an aquarium, he hardly notices. Acutely aware of Feyre's eyes on her, Nesta opens the present. A small gasp escapes her.

Four portraits—just like the ones that decorate this house, except inherently better, because these are of her children. One of each of them, grinning broadly, painted to perfection—Feyre's quite good, isn't she—and one of the four of them. Remarkable, Nesta thinks, how her sister has managed to create something she has never seen before, for she has never seen Nesta playing with the children in the park like this, in these positions.

Nicky looks over. "It's me!" he says. "It's me and Ava and Ollie and Mummy!"

Nesta picks up her head. Feyre's hands are held tightly at her mouth. She's bouncing up and down a little—much like the children do, actually, she thinks with a small smile.

"Do you like it?"

"I do," Nesta says, pleased to find her voice is even. "Thank you."

"I'm so glad," she says, relieved.

"Feyre, this is for you," Azriel says, passing Feyre a smaller package. "Elain, this one's yours..."

"Oh—Nesta, is this from you?" Elain asks, surprised.

"Yes," she says shortly.

"I...thank you."

"You haven't opened them yet," she says to them both.

They exchange a look before they do. In fact, it seems as though everyone except the children pauses to watch Elain and Feyre open what Nesta got for them. What are they expecting? She knows her sisters. She knows what they like.

"Oh, wow, Nesta," Feyre says, looking at the paint set. "From the Continent?"

Of course it is. Nesta lives on the Continent. "It's natural paint," she says. "Locally made. With the berries. And that's a sugarberry tree sapling, Elain."

"Oh, I've got my work cut out for me, don't I!" Elain says, excited.

"Why have you got your work—"

"They're really hands-on outside of Gilameyva...I've been doing a bit of research...oh, but it's actually best to plant them right in mid-winter, so this is perfect...Nesta, this is for you, from you friends in Sugar Valley, I think."

The gift exchange still is not over, after another ten minutes—the sheer amount of nonsense gifted to her children is staggering, but she cannot bring herself to be upset at the irrationality of it. They're overjoyed. But Nicky asks for a pause, so Nesta can take him to the bathroom, and then asks for orange juice on the way back, and because there wasn't any in the sitting room, she takes him into the kitchen herself. She intends to ask him about what he had seen earlier that morning, but when they enter the room, Emerie is there, sitting at the bar.

She stands when she sees them. "Hello, Nesta. N-Nicky." She gives Nesta's son a curt nod.

"Hi!"

"Hello, Emerie. Nicky...here's some orange juice. Appa will pour it for you."

"Okay, thank you Mummy," he says, taking it from her, holding the carton with both his hands.

Nesta waits until Nicky is out of earshot before she blurts out, "Can I ask you something?"

Emerie startles. Oh, had she wanted to say something? Cassian had told her that it is Emerie's turn to speak, didn't he?

"Unless you want to say something."

"Er, no, that's...all right."

"Well," Nesta says. How to put this delicately. "Nicky walked in on Cassian in my bed this morning. With me."

Judging by how wide Emerie's eyes go, that was not the correct choice. "We didn't do anything," she hurries to say. "He just fell asleep."

"Oh," Emerie says, the color of her cheeks going back to normal. "Well. Is that so bad?"

"I don't know," Nesta says, miserable. Amorette would know. She should have just waited to go home and ask her. Emerie doesn't know children.

"I don't think it's so bad," Emerie says, trying to be helpful. "I mean...if he sees it a lot more, he'll think it's normal."

"I don't know if he's going to be seeing it a lot more. So this might...confuse him."

"Oh," Emerie says. "Oh, we assumed...oh."

"You assumed what? Who's we?"

"Er, Mor and I. And, ah, everyone. That you two...would be...well. Together."

Nesta shakes her head and looks around the room. "Well—I don't know why you would assume that," she says lamely.

"Oh," Emerie says again.

"We're not. Together, I mean."

"And you won't be?"

Nesta purses her lips.

"Oh."

"It's complicated," Nesta says, finally.

Emerie plays with her braid, her wings relaxing slightly. "That's what I love about Mor, you know. She makes everything simple. Everything's easy." A slight trace of amusement shines through Emerie's dark eyes. "One would think three children and a love story would be simple, too."

"There's no..." Nesta starts to protest, but stops. Emerie was there for it, after all. There's no point in pretending with her. So she changes pace. "We used to be simple," she says softly.

"I told Mor that," Emerie says in the same tone. "I know you two...don't get along. But I told her...I always tell her, we were...friends."

They were. At a time where Nesta didn't have any—and Emerie didn't, either. That makes Nesta's leaving her without even saying goodbye more reprehensible.

"I don't think Nicky will be traumatized," Emerie says. She smiles slightly. "I wasn't, after all."

A short, breathless, embarrassed laugh escapes Nesta's mouth. She had forgotten about that. "Well that's...good to hear."

Emerie opens her mouth, but she is cut off by the sound of Nicky and Avery having a conversation in the hallway.

"I think Mummy stayed in the kitchen because she was angry," Nicky is saying.

"Mummy doesn't know how to be angry," Avery replies. "Mummy?" she calls out.

"In here, ladybug."

Nicky and Avery walk in, hand-in-hand. Emerie looks a little taken aback.

"Are you coming back, Mummy?"

"Yes, angels," she says. "Ah, Emerie, are you coming?"

"Yes," she says shortly. She hesitates. "Did they walk here by themselves?" she says to Nesta, under her breath.

"Yes," Nesta answers, bemused.

"He remembered the way?"

Nesta laughs. "Avery, Nicky, why don't you tell Emerie what you like to do at school?"

The entire walk back, Nesta watches Emerie's eyes grow wider and wider as the pair of them trip over themselves trying to talk about their friends and their drawings and their trips to the park and their flying lessons.

She knows Emerie's reaction well. She experiences it herself often enough. Three real, unique people.

Hours later, when Feyre declares the evening a success, and she and Cassian carry the children's sleeping forms into the carriage, and Rhysand and Azriel carry out the trunks of gifts for them, Emerie whispers to her, "I hadn't realized...perhaps you should talk to Nicky."

And when Cassian finally catches her eye—there is nowhere else to look—she knows she has to talk to him, too.

---

Chapter Seventeen

[houseofhurricane]

ACOTAR Fic: Bloom & Bone (4/32) | Elain x Tamlin, Lucien x Vassa

Summary: Elain lies about a vision and winds up as the Night Court’s emissary to the Spring Court, trying to prevent the Dread Trove from falling into the wrong hands and wrestling with the gifts the Cauldron imparted when she was Made. Lucien, asked to join her, must contend with secrets about his mating bond. Meanwhile, Tamlin struggles to lead the Spring Court in the aftermath of the war with Hybern. And Vassa, the human queen in their midst, wrestles with the enchantment that turns her into a firebird by day, robbing her of the power of speech and human thought. Looming over all of them is uniquet peace in Prythian and the threat of Koschei, the death-god with unimaginable power. With powers both magical and monstrous, the quartet at the Spring Court will have to wrestle with their own natures and the evil that surrounds them. Will the struggle save their world, or doom it?

A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this chapter -- so many gowns and flowers! people who are doing what they love to do! Nesta! -- but also it's hard to keep putting Elain through the wringer. That said, I am very excited to show you more of What Is Going On With Elain. You can find all chapters here.

“I didn’t think that Tamlin’s gardens extended so far into the forest,” Mor says, leaning against a tree. She’s been delivering flowers from the continent over the past three days, and once the plants are handed over to the gardeners, she finds an excuse to hover over Elain while she gardens. Elain is sure that Mor has received instructions not to leave her alone, but she doesn’t mind chatting with Mor while she gardens, preparing all the special plots she’s not sure she could convey to the Night Court gardeners in words.

“I’m trying something new,” Elain says, patting the soil around a columbine, the blue and white flowers bobbing in the fragrant breeze. “These flowers are happier in the wild.”

“Any news from Tamlin?”

“You may be scaring him away.” She aims a smile at Mor to show she’s mostly joking. “I’ve seen him in the gardens a few times but we’ve only exchanged pleasantries about the renovations. Feyre warned me that he takes hardly anybody into his confidence.”

She feels the golden weight of Mor’s gaze, the frank and generous assessment that Elain has always loved and admired, even those first months after the Cauldron. Mor sparkles like champagne, effortless and loveable and impossible to forget.

“You have the makings of an excellent spy,” Mor says, apparently out of nowhere.

Elain snorts, and Mor laughs at the sound, the way she always has, the overwrought daintiness that, she’s told Elain a dozen times, she can’t quite believe is real. Elain has never told Mor about the hours she spent practicing the sound until it was pretty, the way she was always expected to be.

“I’m not trying to flatter you,” Mor continues when she’s collected herself, settling herself more firmly against her tree, so that her golden hair catches on the bark, “I mean it. A good spy is a person you’d never expect, a pleasure to talk to, someone who listens well.”

“Azriel never said--” Surely the spymaster of the Night Court would have recognized her potential if it had ever existed.

“Az can be a little blind when it comes to the people he cares about.” There’s a strain in Mor’s voice, which Elain thinks she’s being allowed to detect it, because she’s heard Mor’s effortless diplomacy in a hundred more trying situations. “He likely wouldn’t want you to come to any harm.”

“And you do?” Elain asks, to keep the conversation going more than anything, while she works on the hole for the bleeding hearts, her favorite forest flowers, the pink and white blooms almost too good to be true. Give her enough time at the Spring Court and she’ll adorn the forest with them, all the way to the human lands, to their wretched cottage and straight on to that little village that never cared if the Archerons lived or died.

“Of course I don’t want you to be hurt,” Mor says, firm enough that Elain realizes she angled the question too harshly. “It’s only -- I think that maybe you are tired of beauty alone. Not that it isn’t enough. I’ve spoken with so many people who have found healing in the gardens you’ve helped them build.”

“But you think I could be useful in other ways.” Elain looks up at Mor from her crouch on the forest floor, and sees the other female’s worried expression. She wipes a scraggle of hair off her brow, feeling the dirt as it forms a smudge. “There’s something you aren’t telling me, Mor.”

“Do you ever get tired of being seen as easily broken?”

Elain finds that her hands are grasping air, the bleeding heart having fallen from her gloved hands and into the ground with hardly a thump.

“Only when I can’t --” she starts saying when she knows she won’t begin to cry, because what’s inside her is pathetic and dangerous enough, and therefore must be spoken as prettily as possible. “I think there is something truly wretched and useless inside me. I think that’s what you see when you tell me I could have this other life.”

Mor takes Elain’s shoulder in her palm and squeezes, then says, “I grew up in a place where I was a beautiful object to everyone but my own heart. I worry, Elain, that you have fooled yourself and believe that’s all you could be.”

The vision swims up through Elain’s mind, so vivid even on repeat that she almost gasps with the force of it, the sheer power of the Crown on her head, Tamlin looming over her, the life in him banked in the gloom, though he’s still broad and tall and handsome and breathtaking in spite of everything, though these are thoughts she would never admit, not even if the vision were pulled from her by force, even if a knife were held to her throat. Before, considering the vision, she thought they’d be in his ruined estate, but that’s changing thanks to Laella and her builders, fixing the rooms wrecked by Tamlin’s rage and the obliging elements, and adding all those sparkling windows and interior gardens, so apparently she will one day go and build her own house of horrors.

She does not know the first thing about being useful, has no idea how to prevent this fate, except for her certainty that her jealousy and wretchedness will lead her there. And perhaps she was born to be more than a sweet and pretty girl who men could easily fall in love with. Perhaps that is how she can unravel the vision, make a new future in which she can be approximately good. Or perhaps that is how she becomes the crowned monster on the throne. The visions never contain sufficient instruction for Elain to know that she’s avoided the future until the moment passes by, the danger suffocated by a new reality. She’s all too aware that, for example, there are other battlefields on which Cassian could be killed.

She does not tell Mor any of this, only: “Tell me how to be a spy.”

And calmly, in her sparkling voice, Mor begins the lesson.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Elain’s last night at the Night Court, Nesta enters her room without knocking.

“You thought I’d let you leave without a goodbye?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest, the ring Cassian gave her at their mating ceremony brilliant even in the candlelight.

“I knew I’d see you at dinner.”

“You left without a word to anybody.”

Gwyn and Emerie had been there, and everyone had laughed, and a small cross part of Elain had felt as though they would all be fine without her. Azriel, across the table from her, had been smiling and laughing, content as she’d never seen him, his hazel eyes golden when he so much as glanced at Gwyn. Elain had left as soon as she finished dessert, telling Feyre she had a headache, and her sister had squeezed her hand firmly enough that Elain knew she’d heard the lie in her words. In the morning, she would start her residence in a new court. For a little while at least, she’d be able to leave these feelings behind.

But of course Nesta had found her.

“Did you really ask Rhysand to send you to the Spring Court?” Occasionally Nesta will still believe the worst of him, despite all the witnesses to the contrary.

“It was my vision,” Elain tells her. “I’m the one who--”

“You know what Tamlin did to Feyre.”

“I’m not--” She stops, not sure what she’s going to say next. Without a plan, the next words will surely be too revealing. “You were the one who once said I could stand to be more useful in this world.”

“If he so much as lays a hand on you, I swear to you I will un-Make him.”

“I expected nothing else,” Elain says, and the smile is easy. All her life, she has been comforted by Nesta’s growling, known that she’s always been safest inside the circle of her sister’s wrath.

“And in spite of everything, I’m glad that you’ll finally see the Spring Court.” Nesta’s words are a grudging grumble, their impact lessened by her hand in Elain’s, the two of them in a long embrace that says everything they have a hard time saying, now that everything has changed. “I heard that Tamlin is unleashing you on his gardens.”

Elain knows that Nesta truly loves her because her sister listens to her plans and ideas and dreams for the garden for an hour, despite the fact that she has no more than a passing interest in even the most exquisite blooms. She even asks Elain about the arrangements of colors and fragrances, and Elain pulls out her parchments and perfumes so that Nesta can have the closest thing to a full garden experience it is possible to conjure indoors.

“Who knows, maybe one day you’ll bring one of your novels to the finished gardens.”

Nesta makes a sound between a snort and a growl, totally unique to her sister, that prickly glee, but then her face grows somber.

“I keep thinking that he’s finally got what he wanted, when he showed up at our cottage years ago.”

“Tamlin isn’t dragging me out into the snow,” Elain says, though she doesn’t remember the scene, a side effect of the glamor that turned Feyre’s disappearance into a joyous reversal of fortune.

Sometimes she wonders what memories her mind has hidden from itself, what secrets it’s been forced to keep silent.

Nesta’s hands are around hers, squeezing until Elain can feel their pulses beating, aligning as they look at one another.

“I never wanted to give you up,” Nesta says. “I would have let him shred me to pieces before I let him touch you.”

Elain knows she should tell Nesta she’s not as fragile as her sister thinks, but that would lead to a conversation which would be deep and cutting and maybe devastating. Instead she reaches for Nesta and holds her close, murmurs that she will be all right, until Feyre enters and hugs them both, and when the three of them wake up hours later in Elain’s bed, warm and sleepy, Elain wonders, half-asleep, why she ever thought of leaving.

But when her sisters have gone to their mates’ beds, and Elain is alone again, her sleep is not dark and dreamless as before. Instead she dreams of her father as she last knew him alive, the straight back and broad shoulders and thinning hair and the kind smile that made his lips disappear. When Elain was little and bold enough to ask about such expressions, he told her that his joy had swallowed up his lips, he was so glad to see her, and then he would whirl her around until she’d give unladylike whoops and get scolded. After what feels like an eternity of watching him, it occurs to Elain that she has never been to the place where they’re standing, a gray-blue blur that looks like the inside of a cloud or wall of seawater.

“Where are we?” Elain asks, with none of the certainty she experiences in dreams.

Her father’s face clouds, the smile winking out, and she begins to wonder how, exactly, this dream will turn nightmarish. She’s already seen his corpse.

“There is only one thing I can tell you, sweet one.” Her father’s eyes are glinting, his fingers balled into fists, the knuckles the same skimmed-milk color as the air around them. “The thing you seek is inside of you. It is inside of--”

He is reaching for her, as if to indicate the location of the thing, and then he vanishes, and Elain opens her eyes in bed, the light through her window still gray, her mind racing, the way she always feels after a vision.

A thousand questions immediately surface. How can her father appear to her in the future? Where is he, that she can find him and receive directions? And who has silenced him? Has he seen the monstrosity inside of her? And if he has, she does not understand how he can smile at her in that way, so lifelike and tender.

Elain breathes deep again and again, trying to will herself to sleep, hoping she will see him, hoping for even just another second of his smile. She’d always loved the way her father beheld her, that delight. For years she’d imagined a similar expression on her husband’s face. His features shifted depending on her circumstances and feelings, except for the light in his eyes, the smile with joy that would gladly pay whatever cost was required of it.

Morning arrives and she is still staring at the ceiling, trying to puzzle everything through.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elain’s arrival at the Spring Court is more uneventful than even she anticipated. Tamlin greets her and Rhys and Mor in a smooth and practiced way that leaves his rage only an assumption, even when Rhys makes veiled threats during his goodbyes, promising to return whenever she’d like for a visit to the Night Court. When he’s gone and Tamlin has left her to the company of the newly hired servants, while Mor winnows to the continent for the last of the tulips, Elain makes her way to the newly renovated room that will house her at this estate.

The room is perfect, in shades of pink and white, the white warm and bright, and the pink-upholstered sitting area almost mauve. On every flat surface, there are flowers, their scents carefully considered so that the room is fragranced but not oversaturated, and the outside wall is nearly all window, with a view of the woods, the growing hedge of tulips which is even more gorgeous than the last time she’d seen it, two days ago. The curtains are gauzy pink, thin enough that she’ll always be able to wake up to this view, the blossoms and the gentle fluttering of leaves in the breeze.

She had explained her favorite colors to Laella, hoping the dryad wouldn’t think she sounded like a little girl, and instead she walked into the most beautiful space she’s ever been able to claim. Tamlin told her that a maid would arrange her things, but Elain hangs her dresses and stores her jewelry in the cunning little box that keeps each chain and thread from tangling, arranges her perfumes on the vanity until there’s a knock at her door and the maid enters, not looking Elain in the eyes as she walks over to the trunks and boxes. She’s half Elain’s height and her skin is pink and her hair is alabaster, so that for a second Elain wondered what lengths Laella took, to make this room so perfect.

“I am sorry to be late, Lady,” the maid says, her voice a buzzing hum, the sound of bees drowsy on nectar, an accent Elain adores immediately.

“Nonsense,” she says, reaching out to squeeze the maid’s hand, gentle and watching in case the faerie flinches away. She never forgets her training. “And please call me Elain.”

“The High Lord said--”

Elain waves her hand, trying for imperious, in command, the kind of person Tamlin would trust with his military stratagems and political intrigue. “Leave the High Lord to me. You can call me whatever you’d like in front of other people, but I’m just Elain.”

“There are whispers about you, Lady. The winds say that the Cauldron granted you great powers.”

Elain would say that unreliable bits of the future don’t seem like such a remarkable gift, but she’s not sure whether the deprecation would help or hurt her cause.

“What is your name?” she asks instead, shifting her tone so it’s gentle as the petal of a rose.

“I’m Melis, Lady.” The faerie’s hands have not strayed from Elain’s clothes, arranging them on the hangers so that the pleats and ruffles fall just so, and there’s a longing in her eyes that reminds Elain of the way she’d look at roses in those years when she was poor and they would not grow in her pitiful garden by the cottage.

“Would you like one of my dresses?” Elain asks, after Melis has hung the golden gown she never feels quite ready to wear but loves to admire among the other dresses, a ray of sunlight in her wardrobe.

“Lady, the offer is generous, but I do not know where I would wear such a fine gown.”

“There are no celebrations in the village?”

“Nothing that requires a gown so… elaborate. And the High Lord allowed me to design the servants’ liveries.”

For the first time, Elain looks at the maid’s dress, the green-gray muslin gown which is moulded perfectly to Melis’ shoulders and torso, the skirts light enough to allow an easy movement but sufficient to sweep aside for a dramatic moment. The color makes Melis even rosier, her sparkling white hair striking. Even the white fichu at the neckline is soft and light and lovely. She thinks of the elegance of the new footmen, the muted green of their tunics. No doubt Melis had designed their garments. Elain feels slow, not to have caught these details right away.

“You have quite an eye for clothing.”

“I learned from my mother. She was employed by the High Lord, for the ladies of his court, before Amarantha. I grew up learning the possibilities of fabrics.” Another darting look at Elain. She’s sure that Melis is thinking of Feyre.

“I don’t want to give you more work, but I’m sure that most of my gowns could use some adjustments.”

Melis smiles, her teeth flashing white and pointed. “I would love that, Lady, though I doubt your dresses will need much improving.”

Elain shrugs and smiles while she reaches for a simple muslin gown, a dusty pink from which Nuala and Cerridwen have removed a hundred garden stains. As Melis helps her with the buttons, Elain jams a broad-brimmed hat on her head, her pointed ears squashing against the braided straw.

“If anyone asks, I’m in the garden,” she says as she heads toward the door, Lucien’s gloves in her pocket. The thought of seeing him today is warm in her stomach, and she can’t tell if the feeling is anticipation or anxiety. She’s my mate, he’d said, and though she’d barely been able to understand in those moments of terror and confusion, the first of her new life, the words have clung to her, defining too many aspects of her existence. She knows she would feel differently if she’d wanted him, if she’d felt the curl of affection and desire that Azriel roused from her as she awakened into her new life, the first beacon she’d been able to glimpse. Even what she felt for Greysen was stronger. Even knowing what she knows now, how he would reject her new self.

Whenever she sees Lucien, there’s a great whirling inside Elain: all of her wants to want him, and that swarm of hoped-for desire swirls around itself, centered on nothing. She’s encountered this feeling before, as a young debutante, but she always knew that at the next ball, another gentleman might catch her eye, that her father or else Nesta would save her from anyone particularly daunting. Now her father is dead and mates are a certainty and tonight, Elain will be face-to-face with Lucien again, practically alone with him in Tamlin’s estate.

She’s halfway across the grounds before she launches herself against a broad chest. Her hat lands in a lilac bush with a bristly sigh, and Elain knows she’s too slow to realize the sheathed knife that’s pressed against her nose, the dagger that would cut her cheek except for the leather around it.

When she finally meets them, Tamlin’s eyes are not as annoyed as she anticipated.

“Someone told me these gardens would be so beautiful that my guests would be compelled to linger,” he says, his fingers ghosting her shoulders as she rights herself. “I had assumed this meant they would be preoccupied by the flowers, not their own thoughts.”

He stands there for a moment, hands dangling at his sides, as if he’s waiting for her to laugh, but Elain’s not sure if he’s made a joke, and anyway nothing he said is particularly funny. Why she would use the Crown to compel him, Elain has no idea. Still, guided by both her mother’s training and Mor’s rudimentary instructions on spycraft, she schools her lips into a gentle smile, and averts her eyes. Let him think she’s shy, awed by the presence of the High Lord of Spring.

“Is everything to your liking?” he asks, finally. His thumb strokes the jeweled hilt of the dagger strapped to his chest. “I know the builders are still filling the place with noise, but, for example, your room...”

“My room is lovely,” she says before he can fumble for another phrase. Their previous conversation, their first time alone together, had been almost too easy, too revealing, and she wonders if he’s remembering it now, is determined not to revisit that swarm of truths. She herself feels too exposed already, even if she’s checked to determine that her mental shields are still in place. “It makes me feel as if I’m in the center of a flower.”

His smile is barely a quirk of his lips and Elain remembers all the stories she’s heard about him, particularly rumors that he’s spent the past two years as a beast, and she wonders if all that time in his other form has made certain expressions difficult. If conversation is difficult, and now that Rhys isn’t present, Tamlin has allowed a bit of that discomfort to show.

A generous bumblebee examines the crown of her hat, which is still perched in the branches of the lilacs.

“There was a story I heard when I was a little girl,” she says, almost without thought, only wanting to put them both at ease, “about a girl who was only the size of a human thumb. She lived inside the flowers and her friends were butterflies and birds and squirrels. The pages fell out of the book right where the story was written, from all the times my governess read me the tale.”

“You have always wanted to be smaller?”

Elain blushes at the question and she’s not sure why. Maybe because of the truth nestled inside the words.

“Maybe,” she says, not wanting the awkwardness between them to expand further. She wants pleasant conversation, light and meaningless. He will never trust her if her emotions are ragged, if she demands too much from him all at once. “But I have always loved the feeling inside a garden, the idea of beauty and nature all in perfect harmony. There are so many dark and dreadful corners of the world. A garden is never one of them.”

“I’m afraid I don’t agree with your assessment. That beauty could banish evil seems a tall order.”

“Now you will speak to me of sacrifice and war.” She’s slipping into the tone she found so easily at their last meeting, a veneer of confidence that makes her sound unbreakable, which perhaps glosses over her more unsavory truths. “But will you tell me, what happens when the war is over, when the time for sacrifices has ended?”

“I have rarely known such a time.” He looks so grave and certain and miserable that Elain knows she should make her way to the tulip fields, and at the same time, that she will needle him a little longer, until the expression is gone from his face. Her one little act of well-intentioned mischief.

“Then what keeps you fighting when all hope and certainty of your own goodness has left you?”

“In those moments I don’t allow myself to think. And you are thinking that I am some tragic hero, Elain Archeron, but you have never been in battle. Thinking is dangerous. It is easiest to empty the mind and unleash your body on its enemies.”

She is wide-eyed for a moment too long.

“I have offended you,” he says, “but I am only telling the truth.”

“I am only thinking, how sad it is, to be forced to sacrifice so endlessly.”

“One begins to think of any spark of joy as an earned reward.” His face is grave. He is thinking, she knows, of Feyre, the words the barest suggestion of an apology.

“Thank the Mother, then, for your gardens,” she says, and plucks her hat from the lilac. “I will see you at dinner?”

“Lucien and Vassa will arrive shortly after sundown. I imagine you would like to greet them, and then we will all dine.”

She nods and allows her skirts to swirl as she makes her way further into the garden, letting the blooms fill her vision until she’s only thinking of the proper arrangements, the groupings of plants that would make any being happy, and calm, and nearly overtaken by gratefulness that such simple beauty, such sweet fragrance, could exist.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elain is sweetly tired when she makes her way into the great hall of the Spring Court. She’d spent the day amidst the tulips, supervising the arrangements of color that she wants to look disordered but still correct, no corner dominated by red or violet blooms but rather as if a meadow’s riot of color had been transfigured into a mass of tulips.

Tamlin waits at the foot of the staircase, and when she’s halfway down and he looks up at her, Elain is glad she wore the deep blue dress which makes her skin glow like a pearl and her bearing a little more regal than usual. She feels, just for a moment, like the rightful emissary of the Night Court, not the High Lady’s sister who lied her way into someplace she’d never been.

Right as she’s made it to the bottom of the staircase, the servants sweep open the large wooden doors, and Lucien and Vassa appear, both of them gleaming bronze despite the lack of sunlight. As the pair of them approach, Elain dips into a deep curtsey that befits Vassa’s rank, a gesture she’d learned as a girl and always assumed would be useless.

Out of the corner of her vision, she watches the queen’s cheeks go pink. For a moment, Elain thinks that this is strange, that the proper greeting would be so discomfiting, and then she wonders if all the time that Vassa has spent as a firebird has caused her to startle at human gestures. Then Vassa and Lucien walk nearer, and Elain knows the true reason.

She can smell Lucien on Vassa’s skin. And she can smell the scent of the queen, amber and lemon, and Lucien. She has been High Fae long enough to know how these scents are intermingled, how difficult it is to wash off the scent of another after a while, how Feyre and Nesta will always carry the scent of their mates.

She’s my mate, Lucien had said, and those three words had changed her life, circumscribed it. Her mind fills with images, not of him, but of Azriel, about to kiss her, of Rhys looming at the top of the stairs. Her love and longing now a matter of politics between courts.

Now her mate has fallen into bed with another woman.

Elain knows that silence is the proper way to bear this indignation. She can envision, already, the proper smile that should appear on her lips: sad and a little knowing, but mostly hopeful. She tries to find the expression, but when she looks at Lucien, she sees in the furrow between his eyebrow and the gleam in his eye, equal parts guilt and badly concealed happiness, that he knows exactly what she’s realized, and that perfect little smile of the good mate scorned dies on her lips. Inside her there is such a writhing confusion, a rage that she knows will explode from her the moment her lips part.

She turns away from the group and runs away as fast as her silk slippers will allow, not caring that she’s making a scene, that she looks like a scared little child. All she wants is the cool night air on her skin, the proximity of her flowers, the knowledge that nobody is looking at her. She pushes through door after door, stumbling over the tools the builders have left for tomorrow’s work and nearly tripping over loose tiles, but finally she is in the garden.

The moonlight silvers the leaves and the air is fragrant with lilacs. Instead of pushing her thoughts away, Elain feels the writhing inside her grow stronger, as if a monster has taken residence inside her body, turning all her thoughts into a whirl of angry colors, jagged reds and black shards shot through with bright exploding lights.

All those years she believed that beauty and sweetness and delicacy would save her, and maybe they would have if she’d stayed a human woman in the thick-walled manor which had so nearly been hers. Instead she has been discarded, over and over and over. She cannot stop imagining their eyes as they look at her, the pity and scorn and guilt and the joy of finding someone who is not Elain Archeron.

She cannot wield a sword or summon flame, so instead Elain’s hands are frantic, tugging first the petals of the lilac and then her own hair, hard enough to bring tears to her eyes, and then she’s sobbing so hard she’s nearly screaming, so that when there’s a hand on her back, she does scream, the sound shrill and rough in her throat, and when she turns toward the intruder, before she can determine who has touched her, she doesn’t mind the realization that she might die right here in the Spring Court gardens.

Instead she sees Lucien, and there is such regret on his face, etching lines around his eyes and mouth. Elain has been taught kindness until it’s second nature. Before he can say anything, apologize or explain, she reaches toward him.

Except that where her hands should be, there is only empty air.

[joonietonin]

Open Heart Book 1 Finale Rant:

Let me start by saying that this will probably be one of my last analytical posts for a while. That makes me a little sad but I'm also very grateful to all of you who read my posts and motivated me to keep on writing. Truly, I had the time of my life writing the analyses. Now, this post was getting too long so I chopped it off I two parts- this one which is a general recap and my comment on the chapter and another one which I will be posting later today which will be purely about Ethan and MC's relationship. So y'all are looking at a LOT of content to read, I'm apologizing before hand! Okay no more sad talk except the evident fact that today was Open Heart Book 1 finale. Which means we'll have to live without Ethan Ramsey and the squad for quite some time. But focusing on the better things today:

The finale was everything! I felt a wave of emotions as I played it. I felt joy, triumph, anger, passion and hope all at the same time. Let's talk about what happened. (My MC is female, pronouns: she/her) So, Declan (or should I say Dick-lan) Nash had quite a few tricks up his sleeve huh, getting Dr. Cyrus and Dr. Wen to wager for him, lol, he really underestimated MC and the team of people backing her up.

I think it was a group effort when it comes to saving MC's career where MC of course deserves maximum of the credit because of all the patients who testified (Willow, Remy, Jake and Annie for me) on her behalf- if she hadn't gone above and beyond for her patients they wouldn't have given such honest and positive statements on her behalf. So props to MC, first! Then, props to the amazing friends MC has.. Sienna, Elijah, Rafael, Jackie, Bryce.. I mean those guys are basically her support system. Without them hyping her up and motivating her, her case would've fallen flat. Also, we can't forget Ines and Zaid, they're polar opposites and have weird ways of showing their love for MC but they've always been there for her. (even Zaid lmao ikr he's a total softie at heart) And most importantly, her friends always stood up for her. So here's to MC's friends!

Next up, to Ethan Ramsey (the light of MC's/my life) who really did not disappoint when he said he wasn't out of tricks. This man really went above and beyond to get hold of Mrs. Martinez's son and show him how happy his mother was before she passed away. Even if Ethan wasn't your LI and was just your mentor, he kind of singlehandedly saved MC from the potential lawsuit. It shows how much he cares about her, romantically or otherwise. He thinks MC is one of the best doctors he has ever seen and he did everything in his power to make sure, MC could be the doctor she has always wanted to be. That man cares for MC and even though he won't say it explicitly, his actions do much more than his words ever could. Therefore, Ethan Jonah Ramsey, the light of my life, here's to you. The man who cares for MC beyond all words. Even when MC herself has accepted that Ethan won't be able to help her out, Ethan kept pushing himself to find some loophole so that he could help her. And he did exactly that. That's why, I stan one (1) man.😌🥂

Next up, of course, is my moody baby yet smol bean Aurora Emery. She had her own way of standing up for MC. Like she said, "That wasn't for you, MC. That was for me." Maybe her intentions were to stand up for herself but doing so, in the process, she stood up for MC and finally knocked some sense into Harper Emery. I think her whole rant to Harper is one of the major reasons why Harper voted for MC to stay. So thanks, Aurora. Here's looking forward to actually being friends with her... or more. *wink*

Last but not the least, we have *drumrolls please* Dr. Naveen Banerji, who is now miraculously cured by MC's brilliant epiphany and Ethan's genius mind. I kinda expected Naveen to enter at the last moment but when he actually did, I swear I squealed like a five year old as if I hadn't been reading all the theories all week round about him walking in at the last moment. Anyways, I love that old man with my whole damn heart. He's literally like a father to MC like he's to Ethan. A grandmentor, if you will. And just like MC saved his life, he in turn saved MC's life=career. We've reached a full circle, my friends. So here's to you Naveen, nay the force be with you. (Y'all see what I did there? No? Okay, why do I try to be funny...)

So, basically Landry is gone. FOR GOOD. I'm glad PB didn't force a redemption arc on us. While I'm happy that Landry brought Naveen down, I don't think that one action forgives all the terrible things he has done. So bye bye dirty Laundry, here's hoping I never see you again. Also YAY! AURORA IS OUR NEW ROOMMATE. Not confirmed yet, but y'all know she'll say yes. Sienna has a crush on Danny- YAS OTP. But I do realise that we'll probably have to pay diamonds to set them up next book. Elijah and Phoebe going strong- YAS ANOTHER OTP. Jackie finally admitting defeat that MC would probably win the competition - HELL YAS, now that was a good redemption arc. Overall, I'm very happy how the things turned out for MC's friends.

Now, like I said at the starting of the post, I'll talk about Ethan and MC in detail in my next post but to sum it up, Ethan and MC had mind-blowing sex one last time before they had to face the reality of their situation. Now, I don't necessarily think they're back to square one because let's be real, you clearly care about the other person, you've had sex with them and you kiss them like there's no tomorrow, you can't really expect for nothing to happen even in a professional setting. Like, I do respect MC and Ethan's commitment to their job but then I think they can find some time for themselves.. you know.. for talking.. and dating.. and doing other things. Also, MC's friends finding out about her and Ethan- THAT SCENE WAS EVERYTHING I EVER HOPED FOR. Also, Naveen choosing MC for the position in the diagnostics team was already foreshadowed but I swear that man is the biggest Ethan×MC shipper. He's here for the angst, the mutual pining and he's sure as hell gonna enjoy how long these two struggle before finally giving in. Anyways, I won't lie but even though I'm a little sad that MC and Ethan aren't (officially) a couple, (we all know they've been married for over a year now) I think it will be nice to see the angst and this new phase of their relationship where MC directly works under Ethan and he gets to mentor her even more closely. It will be fun to see their mutual pining now that they've finally pulled the plug and had sex and kind of fallen in love with each other. The angst will be great and like I said earlier, along with Naveen it will be fun for us to see how long these two struggle before they finally give in and say,"Fuck work ethics. Adrian Raines knew better."

So, that's the end of this rant. The Ethan×MC post will be up soon. I want it to be special, like Ethan once said. And here's hoping they release book two soon although rationally speaking I don't see the book coming this summer. It'll probably release in fall. Guess we gotta wait, but some things are simply worth the wait. And I guess, we're all fighting the inevitable. *wink*

[stusbunker]

In Heaven Lies

For Better or Worst: Chapter Four

Featuring: Sam Winchester x Emery Simmons-Winchester OFC

Other characters: Bandit (their dog), Jack Kline, Dean Winchester, Naomi, Castiel

Season 14 AU

Word Count: 1424

Summary: Jack gets a day out. We catch a glimpse of Dean’s side of the deal. A sudden visitor rocks whatever framework is holding Sam and Emery in their bubble.

Warnings:  Mind probes, suggested smut, mangled magic.

Series Masterlist

^*^*^

“History never repeats itself, but it often rhymes.”

- attributed to Mark Twain

The Bunker was quieter than usual, Mary had the AW hunters on cases and oddly Castiel was nowhere to be found. Jack felt the loneliness as if it were a companion, solid and expressive beside him. Jiminy Cricket on his shoulder, whispering to him, that if he was going to do this, it was now or never. He squinted against the remnants of Sam and Dean in his mind, knowing they wouldn’t want him to go looking for them. But no one had, and it had been months since Naomi had whisked them both away, barely a day apart. Jack had learned a lot since they had left, he knew what he was doing. At least he believed he did.

He didn’t take the Impala, that would be too obviously missed. Instead, he took one of the antique motorcycles that Dean had tuned up in the short span between Michael and then Naomi. Once he was a mile down the road, he realized he wouldn’t be able to fit a Winchester on the small seat with him. He shook his head, thoughts getting ahead of himself. One problem at a time, Jackie. He made sure to follow the speed limit and pay extra attention through towns and on interstates. He wished for his powers the farther he got from home, the more phone calls he left unanswered. He just wanted to get there, to figure this out, to bring them home.

The playground was empty, no guardian angel or passersby. Jack paced the sandbox, uncertain what would happen if he stood inside without the usual bellhop, without permission and defiantly without invitation. He wished Castiel was there but stopped the thought before it became too prayerful. He didn’t want to get caught, never wanted to disappoint his dads. They had saved him, done the impossible; how couldn’t he do the same for them? He squared his shoulders and stepped forward, calling with his thoughts to the angels on the other end of the portal. A hopeful prayer heavenward.

^*^*^

              Dean’s body was still, lying on the sterile table where it had been for the duration of his stay. The macabre crown of electrodes around his head holding the angel inside him in place without being able to separate the man from the archangel. Dean Winchester, Michael’s sword, held fast to the cage in his mind and the angel held fast to his vessel. Michael’s presence had restored some balance to the power shortage in Heaven; Naomi didn’t have to force something that neither party was willing to give. Contrary to every inch of deal she made. It was unprecedented after all, discoveries took time. Trial and error and patience. Yes, she was being diligent in the waiting.

              Behind the freckled skin and chiseled bone, within the eternal plane of Heaven but beyond their grasp, Dean Winchester sat with his hands on the wheel of an all too familiar black Chevy. Beside him, Michael sat in the passenger seat, wearing his face and that stupid cabbie hat, smug as ever.

              “We’re going to have to stop for fuel eventually, Dean,” Michael said passively, eyes darting into the night, their other constant companion.

              “Yeah, well, she’s not even half a tank yet,” Dean grumbled back, turning the volume dial. He let the cab fill with Zeppelin and kept his eyes forward, staying between the lines, true as ever.

^*^*^

              Emery felt a broad swipe of warmth, from her knee to her waist, pinching as it went, pulling her back into a wall, full of heat and ridges. Sam nuzzled the hair at the nape of her neck, where it curled when she sweat, nipping at the salt and spice of her. He rocked into the softness of her backside, prodding and moaning with the pre-waking contentment. She reached back, tugging at his hair, rolling towards him and dragging those coaxing lips to hers. He caged her in, with unrushed hums and lazy grazes, stubble, fingers, knuckles. Weekends were bliss.

              They showered, just to need another. Sam put every inch of their massive stall to use, making Emery feel half her age, for the eighteen or so hours before the sore muscles hit them both. Before that reality sank in, they let their day lead them. Finding new places in the city that they had come to thrive in. It was their third Saturday trying out dog parks and it seemed that Bandit knew what they had planned before they even managed to finish their post workout brunch. Like all the others, the park was crowded, people milling around as their fur babies fetched or chased after one another. Bandit stayed within eye shot of his people, he was just a bit overwhelmed and needed their reassurance as much as they needed his.

              They recognized a few dog-owners from their neighborhood but knew that Jason and Trudy wouldn’t be meeting them this time. They were hunkered down, waiting for her to go into labor at any moment. Emery didn’t envy their waiting game yet was wistful for pieces she couldn’t say out loud. She walked to grab them coffees from a cart, trusting Sam to keep Bandit moving. Sam sprinted away from the cluster of people letting out a fierce whistle, earning a few replies from nearby dogs. But Bandit knew it was meant for him, running in earnest, mouth hanging open as he chased down those jean-covered legs. He got happy scratches and lots of ‘good boys’ that day. Bandit liked weekends too. Then a weird man approached asking questions in a deep level tone.

“That’s an interesting combination of breeds. How long have you had him?”

“Well, he was my wife’s first, he’s part Irish Setter, but not sure what else,” Sam replied to the trench coated man.

“You’re married?” The man asked in surprise.

Sam furrowed his brow at the stranger. “Uh, yeah. Sorry buddy.”

He held up his left hand and started to walk back toward the crowds.

“Wait, Sam,” Castiel called after him.

“Whoa, man, look, I don’t know you—” Sam turned and faced his pursuer once more whose face came into drastic focus now, bluer eyes than he had ever seen. Sam suddenly lost his footing, hands reaching to his head, the last thing he heard was his name said in muddied voices and Bandit whimpering at his knee. He smelled jasmine and coffee and felt the midday sun on his eyelids, but every thought left him like skipping stones across a wind-free lake. Then he heard it again, his name, no longer hoarse, but smoky and insistent.

“Sam! What happened?” Emery shook his shoulder, looking in all directions, heat flooding her cheeks as the onlookers continued to circle around them. “Hey, stud, can you hear me? You in there?”

Sam groaned, brain sloshing against the earth’s orbit and gravity itself.

“He’s fine, thanks.” She had her professor voice on. “Let’s sit you up. Sooner we’re out of here the better.”

If there weren’t dozens of sets of eyes on them already, perhaps Emery would have noticed the pair near the far patch of trees. Watching them with pursed lips and timeless patience, Castiel had found Sam at last. Instead, Emery ditched their coffees and dragged Sam to his feet, trying to balance his weight as she guided him back to their car. Embarrassed and annoyed as strangers tried to interject with help, she called Bandit, who instinctively took Sam’s other side, saving his people more unnecessary attention.

“There was a guy,” the first discernible phrase out of Sam came as they were nearly home.

“A guy? Did he hit you? Crap, I didn’t check for your wallet,” Emery scolded herself.

“I wasn’t robbed. He, uh, he asked about Bandit.” Sam squinted, trying to remember. “I think I knew him, but now, I don’t know it’s fuzzy. I can’t even tell you what he looked like.”

“Well, maybe you just whacked your head chasing after Banders, I mean, you get ahead of yourself sometimes.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Sam looked out the passenger side window, watching the trees and houses float by.

“You feel okay otherwise?” Emery appraised Sam at a red light.

“I guess so. Just my head is kind of fuzzy,” Sam shrugged, but his jaw kept working over something.

              “Okay, well, take it easy tonight and we’ll play it from there,” Emery said down her nose before turning back to the road. The pale boat of a car behind them turned in a hurry, barely registering in their rearview mirror.

^*^*^

Read On: A Husband of Integrity

[resetmypatientviolence]

Happy Hour (Aurora x F!MC)

Pairing: Aurora Emery x F!MC (Dr. Jade Zia)

Word Count: 1,166

Rating: PG

Warnings: None

Description: It’s been a tough day at Edenbrook-- a day of losses-- and Dr. Jade Zia needs to unwind at the usual watering hole. However, what’s unusual is who is there for the first time ever: the stone cold Aurora Emery. 

Author Note: I think I’ve fallen in love with Aurora and we don’t even know for sure if she's a LI. No regrets. She needs more love in this fandom. Thank you for reading! Masterlist is found on my blog bio.

“Yeah, I just need some more time to unwind,” Jade says, raising her half empty glass to her roommates. “I’ll be at the apartment in a bit.” They smile and nod, knowing—if anything about the emergency after-shift bar session she called and venting that happened about the day was any indicator of how much she needed a drink—that this was needed. Long overdue. A quick wave and they’re out, ready to study in their beds and to wind down—only to do it all again tomorrow.

Jade sighs and slumps for a moment, strands of her black hair escaping her bun, the weight of the world heavy on her shoulders. Even the booze can’t numb the pain of losing a patient or delivering bad news after bad news….

“Ugh…” Jade mutters, then lifts her head, the colored lights lighting the people in the bar. Some dance, most sit, cradling their drinks… but one person catches her attention, alone at the end of the bar. Aurora Emery. How long has she been there? She’s never seen her here before. But… she bites her lip. She heard rumors of Aurora’s patients. Just about as bad as her day.

Does she want to vent or…? Jade watches Aurora push back her hair behind her ear, then sip her wine. For a briefest of seconds, they hold each others gaze, Jade’s heart skips a beat, and then Aurora stares down into her wine, shifting on the bar stool. She should leave her alone—but—

Jade stands and makes her way, taking the empty seat next to her. Aurora, doesn’t look up, but she spins her glass, a small smirk curving on her lips. Jade looks at the bartender, feeling Aurora’s warmth, out of her scrubs and coat and in pants and a blue blouse, arms exposed, looking every bit professional even out of the hospital. She’s never seen her like this.

Jade inhales, then slightly turns her head to look at Aurora’s profile, noting how she observes her from the corner of her eye. “I’ve never seen you here before,” Jade says, raising an eyebrow. “Tough day?”

There’s silence—and Jade’s already resigned to the fact that if she doesn’t want to talk, she can still sit there in silence. At least Aurora doesn’t have to be alone. It’s not like the bar is only for her to sit at. In fact, Jade’s ready for this—until Aurora speaks, a playful wryness to her tone. “Hmm… how’d you guess?”

The lights reflect in her eyes when she fully turns her head to acknowledge her, as if seeing her for the first time, truly. Not as a competitor. Not as a coworker. Not as worthy opponent. But as Jade. And Jade sees that too, unblinking as they look into each other’s eyes. Aurora chuckles, “Cat got your tongue?”

And Jade laughs, blushing under the low light. She sips her drink, savoring the sharpness that settles on her tastbuds. “Sorry,” Jade says, pushing back some of her own hair. “I’ve just never seen you out here. You don’t seem like the type to drown your sorrows in some dive bar with your colleagues.”

Aurora snorts, sipping her wine, slowly shaking her head. Jade notes the shine of a gold earring when her head goes back, neck a perfect arch, half of the wine disappearing. “When you have a day like I’ve had,” she starts, holding up the glass, inspecting the wine. “You give in and allow yourself to be exposed to cute nosy coworkers.”

Cute? Jade bites her lip and taps her glass to Aurora’s, cheeks impossibly warm—and not from the shot of tequila and whatever fruity drink Sienna convinced her to try. They sip in their toast, but Jade finishes first, still processing Aurora’s words. “So, I’m cute, huh?”

In a flash, Aurora almost chokes on her wine, eyes bulging as she coughs. “Uh, I meant—”

Jade smirks, playfully pushing on her arm, skin warm and soft. “It’s okay. I think you’re pretty cute too.”

Aurora’s smile isn’t like her usual ones, softer around the edges, twisting her body in the slightest to face Jade fully. One hand lingers on the bar, bracelet shimmering, eyeing her carefully. She seems to appraise her, taking in her outfit—Jade’s glad she isn’t wearing that grey shirt and jeans combo—and nods. “Well… that’s certainly good to know.” Her words are slow, careful. Hair rises on Jade’s arms and there’s a desire to kiss her, maybe—but she reels in the urge. This isn’t Jackie or Bryce or Rafael… or Ethan… this is Aurora. Closed off to the world until now, her guard coming down with each sip.

“It is?” Jade perks up, smiling wide. Aurora shakes her head, snickering.

“It pays to be attractive in the world, I know you’re smart enough to know that.” Ah, a little undercut and deflection, but Jade accepts it, turning herself to face Aurora fully. “So. You came here because you thought I needed to vent about my day.”

“No,” Jade says, not resisting the urge that overcomes her. She takes Aurora’s hand, offering a firm clasp. Aurora tenses, eyes widening. “I came here because you needed a friend.”

A friend yet… Aurora relaxes as the shock of their touch, a bolt of electricity, courses up Jade’s arm and to her heart, setting it into overdrive. Jade’s about to let go—she can’t push it—but Aurora smiles, shifting her touch, letting her thumb run along Jade’s knuckles, eyes drifting to their hands touching for the first time.

“Friend, huh?”

Jade bites her lip, face bright red. Yet, she still smiles, giving a squeeze to Aurora. A comfort. A connection. Something to break down her walls, bit by bit. And it starts with the touch of a hand. “Yes. To start.”

Raising an eyebrow, they release hands and Aurora sips her wine, bemused. “To start, hm?”

Jade crosses her legs, putting on an air of confidence, even if she’s ready to vomit. This is Aurora Emery. There’s certainly been a certain kind of chemistry that simmered between them… but now…. “If you’d like, I believe there can be more. If you want, of course. But being a friend rather than rival is preferable, don’t you agree?”

A chuckle escapes her lips, gloss shining when she laughs, lips curved into a beautiful smile, Aurora somehow looking younger, more relaxed. “I agree. And yes…” Aurora taps her foot against Jade’s leg. “I believe there can be something more than friendship, in time. I’m a busy woman and I would like to get to know the people I choose to let into my bed.”

Jade grins, heart hammering out of her chest. “Fair. Why don’t we start that tonight? The getting to know you part of this?”

Now Jade holds up her glass for a toast, and Aurora taps her glass to hers. “I’d like that, Dr. Zia.”

“Call me Jade.”

“One step at a time.”

Disclaimer: All characters and rights belong to Pixelberry Studios.

Permatag: @youwontlikewherewewillgo, @mfackenthal, @hhiggs, @jadedpixiescribbles, @ashtonmore, @enmchoices @the-everlasting-dream, @hopefulmoonobject, @krisnicjack, @museofbooks, @ladynonsense, @innerpostmentality, @thatcatlady0716, @lizeboredom, @choicessa, @boneandfur, @tmarie82, @speedyoperarascalparty, @thatspicegirlssong @zigthetwig, @craftytacotrashdream, @blackcoffee85, @akrenich, @trr-fangirl, @client-327,  @thewolvesss

Fic: @lilyofchoices @dumbbrowngirl

[hadleyforte]

WIS Summer, Winter, Reese, Claudine, Lev, Kally, Aimee, Lyra, Artie, Audrey, Jane T, Gani, Evangeline, Karmen, Hoku, Lonnie, Dijon, Genesis, Maya, Dizzy, Myrcella, Sydney, Khalid, Virginia, Evie, Desiree

Oh gosh, um, I’d like to preface this by saying that these views aren’t necessarily reflective of what I actually think would make for the happiest, healthiest relationship. I’m considering this more like... as if these people were a TV show, and I want to see something riveting on my TV screen!

@sumskellingtwin with either @marley-yao or @felixstabby! It would just be so dramatic if she left her boyfriend for someone who was right there on the outskirts of the picture the whole time.

@winskellingtwin with @casperlockex, a few years down the line! A surprise ‘he was right there all along’ sort of story.

@reese-dubois and @carterlabouff! Don’t they have a marriage pact? That’s such a great romcom trope!

@claudine--frollo and @hadieathanasius, because it would feel oddly fitting if it turned out my whole life I’d been the quirky third wheel to a couple who was destined to be.

@levlumos and @rtpendragon! It would be highly entertaining if the boy @kalasinambrosius always wanted ended up with the boy her hometown friends wanted her to be with!

@kalasinambrosius and @lyra-k! I just feel like a girl straight out of Wonderland would be a fascinating fit for a fantasy lover.

@aimeeblake and @djcygnet, because we see so many dramatic wedding interruptions on TV but we’ve never seen one in real life!

@audreysrose and Chad Charming! That moment where she realizes that she’s been chasing the wrong boy and the one who will always love her the most is right there and she loves him too... it would be so beautiful!

@janetobin ending up with someone like @emmett-thunderstrike seems like the sort of thing straight out of The DUFF or She’s All That! Not because I think she’s that sort of girl, but it’s clear she sees herself as that sort of girl, so her getting a Grade A popular hottie would be so fun!

@ganiambrosius is a harder one to figure out, but it would be quite the dramatic shakeup if her friendship with @hemimanawa was just a stepping stone to her ending up with @n-atua.

@eveningstardubois could have an adorable orchestra romance with @marcoalandale. 

@karmeninka‘s wedding has already  been hypothetically broken up in this scenario, so I suppose that leaves her needing a new love interest. Perhaps her best friend @margovasilovich could help her pick up the pieces?

@hokukawena seems a bit obsessed with popularity, so it might be cute if she realized the value of someone who’s not so popular, like @oakleyoaken! 

@li-lonnie is the sort of girl on TV who ends up all alone because ‘she’s a strong woman who don’t need no man.’ But that’s stupid! Strong girls deserve love too, and perhaps she could find it with @ben-desrosiers. A king’s fiercest protector, the person always saving his life, being his wife? How cute!

@dijonnoginger already seems to be fulfilling the friends to lovers trope with @zoe-tomago, I suppose I should just leave a masterpiece of cliches to itself to thrive!

@genesis-philip seems to be getting paired up with @javierchvez a lot in these sorts of questions, but isn’t @jacqueline-chavez the one that is more interested in rodents? I prefer this Philvez? Chalip? pairing instead!

@mayariverax having a steamy affair with her music producer @liamdvbois would be beautiful! And would lead to so much fun conflict when his other artists find out and accuse him of nepotism, thus making Maya question her judgment because people assume she got on top because of sleeping with the boss and not because she’s the most talented one in the bunch!

I’ve always thought @dizzybydesignx and Celia Facilier had something truly special, ever since we were little girls!

@madmyrcellamim and @emery-gothel clearly have some issues they need to patch up -- could admitting their true feelings for each other be the answer to their problems!

@sydneyandersen seems a little obsessed with @quincydavis! I can’t decide if this obsession means she should be with Quincy, or if she should just try to date one of Quincy’s ex-boyfriends in an attempt to steal or copy her bestie’s life!

@khalid-basara and @haverlyarendelle could have great on air radio personality banter that could lead to them succumbing to their attraction! Wow! 

@darlingvirginias seems a little repressed, and like she could find herself having some kind of steamy hookup in the library! I could see it happening with @chandler-cogsworth, honestly? 

@evie--grimhilde seems like things are all neat and tidy when it comes to her and @dougdeppert, but what if it was all just a cover? What if she actually had really intense feelings for her bestie’s nemesis, @umadelmar? Or if Uma’s not her type, what about her first mate @hookedonharry? Draaaaama! Not that I like drama, it makes me so uncomfy in real life -- but I love reading and watching it, I’m sorry! 

@ririhiss is harder to figure out, but maybe she could date @hookedonharriet or @cjhooked? Cause an uproar among her crew on Uma’s ship by falling for a rival captain! 

i need entertainment

[browneyedmissy]

The Women of Edenbrook

Summary: Or, an anthology in which Casey Valentine wins over the women at the hospital.

Author's Note: Was watching Legally Blonde the other night and thought about how Elle Woods had positive relationships with all the women in her life and I thought about how it would play out in Edenbrook. This is what resulted!

Playlist: That’s My Girl by Fifth Harmony, Woman by Kesha, Stronger by Kelly Clarkson, Brave by Sara Bareilles, Wings by Little Mix

Sienna Trinh was the first of the girls at Edenbrook Casey Valentine won over.

Her first few hours at the hospital had been… lonely. She had started with an early morning train ride to the hospital. Wayne had worked a long shift at work so she hadn’t seen him since the morning before. It was kinda nice to have time to herself, but she was definitely nervous. It was a new city, new people, and she hadn’t met any people besides Wayne’s coworkers so far.

And the other interns… they were all nice enough, but the reality was that they were all competing against each other. Sienna felt like they were all at job interviews, sizing each other up and it made her uneasy. She wasn’t expecting to really make friends the first day, but getting stuck inside her head was driving her nuts.

She just wanted someone to understand. She wasn’t terribly competitive- and she never had been. She knew that probably didn’t make her a very interesting intern but she wanted to help people.

Honestly, she missed having someone to talk to. She had friends from college, but she stopped seeing them as often when she started dating Wayne and pretty soon, her life got busy and contact between her and her friends became less frequent.

Sienna paused as she heard voices coming from down the hall. One of them sounded disapproving and she spotted the back of Dr. Ramsey’s head talking to what looked like a fellow intern. Sienna glimpsed wavy, shoulder length brown hair. What was her name... Casey?

Whatever it was, Dr. Ramsey didn’t sound too pleased with her at the moment. There were people tiptoeing past the door, not willing to intervene for her and Sienna bit her lip and peaked into the room.

She couldn’t see Ramsey’s face but Sienna could see Casey’s. Casey’s head was held high but Sienna could see her bottom lip trembling, possibly on the verge of tears. Her heart ached for Casey - if this had been part of day, well, Sienna would have already broken down.

And, well, Casey seemed nice. She had a face of someone who was nice.

Sienna made her way into the room and made up an excuse to get Dr. Ramsey out of the room, her heart quickening slightly as she lied. She let out a breath when he cursed under his breath as he left.

When Sienna revealed to Casey that she lied to get Dr. Ramsey out of her hair, Casey flashed her the kindest, most genuine smile she had seen all day.

“Thank you.”

And in that moment, Sienna knew that she was right about the person she thought Casey might be.

After she had left Casey to do the rest of her round, the rest of the day had gone better. The positive interaction had reminded her that people were kind and most of the interns were just nervous and anxious- just like her. She was able to pull some smiles out of her fellow interns and her patients and she felt lighter as the end of her day approached.

Sienna made her way to the cafeteria before the rest of her coworkers got off work and hummed to herself as she observed everyone else beginning to pile in.

“Excuse me, Dr. Trinh?” Sienna looked up to see a nurse with a cup of something in his hands. He had a sweet face and an easy grin and she felt her a heart skip a beat.

“Dr. Valentine gave me money to buy you this.” Sienna took the cup to see some hot chocolate with marshmallows and cinnamon sprinkled on top. She smiled - it was nice to feel appreciated and to know that Casey had arranged this. “She said to say thank you and she was really happy to have met you.”

“That’s very sweet of her, thank you...” She trailed off, realizing she didn’t know the name of the nurse with the sweet face.

“Danny.”

“Danny. Call me Sienna. Or, umm, Doctor Trinh if that’s what you want. Would you like to join me? It’d be nice to have some company.”

“Of course. That was a very thoughtful thing for Dr. Valentine to do.” Danny smiled. “It’s like she’s…”

“A dolphin?” Sienna grinned to herself.

Jackie Varma’s first thought when she saw Casey was damn, that girl’s already covered in blood.

Her second thought was that Casey Valentine knew how to take care of herself.

She knew that Casey was going to be easy to like, just from that first interaction. Bryce was already fond of her after their first meeting- although that might not have been just her personality, judging by the way he had looked at her that first night at Donohue's.

She brought together their ragtag little group, won over them all easily. There was something about Casey Valentine that drew you to her and she was so good at listening.

And she was just so… nice. When the rankings came out, she didn't bat an eye over the fact that she was lower than the rest of her roommates and just resolved to do better.

And it worked. Jackie couldn't help but feel jealousy- between Aurora being the chief's niece and Casey getting more time with Ramsey, she couldn't help but feel like it was unfair. She had started out so far ahead but Casey’s star was rising.

She couldn't help but resent her for it. It was easy to try to hate her if she just let herself stew over the rumors. Some of them were starting to get nasty, too, between Casey toying with Bryce Lahela’s heart and trading sexual favors in exchange for better cases.

Jackie wanted to avoid her, which was difficult when they lived together. Part of her wanted the rumors to be true and hoped Casey was getting an unfair advantage. Because if that were the truth, Jackie could blame the system.

And Jackie knew that was unfair of her. Unfair to Casey.

“I work my ass off and you’re basically as good as a lot of the attendings here.” She grumbled as she set down her shot glass. It was hard to admit that she actually really, really liked Casey. Jackie had felt smug when she had first thought that she could intimidate her in the locker rooms when they first met but Casey shook it off and held her head high.

And it wasn’t just that Casey was a damn good doctor. She cared about her patients. Jackie knew, part of what was holding her- and Landry for that matter, was that Casey cared deeply about her patients. She knew that Casey had stayed all night at the hospital when Dr. Ramsey’s friend delivered her baby. She was able to diagnose some of the patients Jackie was stuck on because she listened. And she took every case that she could and didn’t complain about it because Casey Valentine wanted to make a difference.

"Was it better when you thought you were better than me?"

Her question threw Jackie off guard. Was that what is was? Part of it, yeah. The other part was she was just angry at herself because Casey was just such a good person that she made her feel bad about herself.

"I'm used to being the best. I thought that there was only room for one smart badass bitch but I guess that was pretty ‘I’m not like other girls’ of me." Jackie finally replied. She looked Casey straight in the eye. "The fact that I'm not means I have to figure out how I fit in."

“You know I don't care about any of that."

"I know. I… I guess I'm frustrated because I know you're my rival. You're a badass babe in internal and you shouldn't be my friend. But you're also probably one of the best people I've ever met. I should hate you, but I don’t."

There was a silence before Casey took a sip of her beer and spoke.

“You know, Bryce told me that the first thought that you have is what you’re conditioned to think. The second thought you have is what you actually think.” She said thoughtfully.

“That’s pretty wise of him.” Jackie said begrudgingly.

“Yeah, I think he read it somewhere on the internet. He then tried to show me the drama llama meme afterwards.” Her face broke out into a grin as she said the next words. “Maybe your first thought is that you’re jealous and your second thought is that we’re actually friends?”

No, there was no way Casey Valentine was cheating or getting an unfair advantage. Not when she had fought against entering the competition for so long. Casey cared, Jackie thought. And she was lucky that Casey liked her.

“I guess if I have to have friends… I’m glad you’re one of them.” Jackie finally voiced aloud.

Casey’s face broke into a grin.

“Let it be known folks, that Jackie Varma has admitted that I am her friend! Can I get that on video? Lahela owes me dinner, he lost the bet.”

“Your bet was whether or not we were friends?”

Casey shook her head.

“I knew that we were friends. Our bet was whether you could admit it.”

Aurora Emery couldn’t breathe.

She stared at the three patients in front of her. There was so much blood- she had never seen  that amount before and it paralyzed her. She knew that the possibility of something like this was possible. But it had been something that haunted her nightmares and this- well, this was even worse than she had dreamed.

She couldn’t think. She was not unfamiliar with panic attacks: she had had one when she was studying for medical school, one when she had gotten accepted into the hospital where her world renowned aunt worked, one when she realized how much expectation there was because of her aunt…

She felt a light touch on her arm.

“Aurora, breathe in for four.”

A voice sounded muffled in her ear and Aurora focused on her words and she breathed in, counting for four.

“Now exhale for four.”

Aurora let go of the breath she had been holding. She blinked as Casey Valentine came into better focus.

“You know how to do this, Aurora.” Her rival said steadily, gesturing to the people in front of her. “You were the top intern for a reason and these people need you right now.”

Aurora felt her chest tighten. “But what if I do this wrong? What if I make a mistake? I could kill someone if I call this wrong!”

“You need to believe in yourself. You can do this. Your patients need you.”

She focused on those last words. Your patients need you.

Casey was right. If Aurora hesitated, then more people would die. She had to act fast.

With Casey’s help, Aurora quickly analyzed what her patients needed and got them to the right places. Soon, it got easier and easier to breath- it wasn’t any easier to see the patients coming in as they did, but she just kept repeating Casey’s words in her head.

As the last patients were classified, Aurora Emery let out the breath she had been holding.

She quickly slipped away and found herself in the deserted doctor’s lounge. She needed a second to breath, to not think about the people who had come in screaming, crying into the hospital…

She had done all she could do.

"Aurora? Can I come in?"

Casey was standing in front of her, holding a warm cup of apple cinnamon tea- her favorite. She nodded and Casey set down the mug in front of her before taking a seat on the couch opposite of her.

They sat in silence and Aurora thought about how calm Casey had been during the triage.

"How did you do it?"

“My patients needed me.” Casey said quietly, thoughtfully. Aurora took a sip of the tea and felt her heartbeat finally slowing down. “I’ve hesitated enough times to know that it doesn’t help anything and at some point I just need to figure out how to take action.”

Casey hesitated before speaking the next words. “Did you know, I went into the supply closet and cried my first day here?

Aurora didn’t. Casey Valentine seemed to be so put together so much of the time. She got along with so many of their fellow interns and the patients seemed to adore her. She was popular amongst the hospital staff too because it was obvious she valued her relationships.

They all adored her. Until she had started climbing in the rankings.

Aurora knew how lonely that was. When she had been number one on that first list, she knew had put a target on herself. The attendings had an eye on her from day one because of her aunt which made everything she did have to spectacular. The other interns doubted her because of her pedigree.

The interns doubted Casey because they thought she was sleeping her way to the top with Ramsey.

There was also that rumor about her trash talking the nurses and rumor of sabotage in the locker room. It made her physically ill because Casey Valentine was the last person to speak badly of anyone. It was like she always considered what she wanted and what the group wanted and always chose the later.

"Ethan Ramsey chewed me out for Annie, do you remember that? It made me doubt me being here. Even though I went to medical school for four years, I let him doubt myself." She reminisced. “I cried in there until Bryce Lahela from surgery came in and calmed me down. He’s good at being supportive like that.”

She trailed off and looked back at Aurora.

“If Bryce hadn’t come in to check on me, I would have probably still stayed in the program, but he made me feel better about myself. And he made me realize that I wasn’t alone in my feelings.”

There was silence in the lounge and Aurora felt her loneliness hit her. She had always ignored personal relationships in order to be the most successful but it was moments like this where she longed for someone to talk to.

Aurora steadied her voice and found the next words.

“You helped me during the triage. I know I said thank you, but…”

“I know what anxiety looks like- I- I’m more than familiar with it. There’s a lot of pressure in this program, Aurora.” Casey acknowledged. “You’re still an amazing doctor- your worth isn’t tied to your aunt. And your mistakes don’t define your worth.”

How was she still so kind? How was she able to say the things that people wanted to hear? Whatever the rumors, Casey Valentine was observant and she made conclusions without judgements.

“The fact that you were so certain I didn’t tell about Mrs. Martinez or sabotaged you… I really appreciate it. And I didn’t spread those rumors to the nurses or about you and Dr. Ramsey.” Aurora blurted.

She didn’t know why she said it. She hadn’t needed the approval of anyone in such a long time, not even her aunt. But something about Casey Valentine, in this moment, standing in front of her so sincere- Aurora felt the need for Casey to understand her.

To like her.

Casey blinked at her before the corner of her lips turned up into a smile. “I believe you. You have too much to prove to use dirty tricks or get caught up in that type of behavior.”

A beeper sound came from Casey’s coat broke the second silence and Casey checked it. Her brow furrowed and she looked apologetically at Aurora. “I’ve got a patient right now…”

She made to leave and then hesitated at the door. “Look, Aurora, it doesn’t have to be me, but you should find someone to talk to. It’ll make these next few years easier…” She paused, struggling to find the next words. “I’ll see you later, maybe?”

“Yeah.” Aurora felt herself smile as Casey slipped through the door.

Two weeks later, Casey’s phone pinged and when she checked it, a smile lit across her face.

Do you want to go get drinks with me after work? - Aurora

I’d love to. Donohue’s? - Casey

Harper Emery thought Casey Valentine was both simultaneously one of the most noble and foolish people she had ever met.

Harper sighed as she sat at her desk, sorting through the paperwork. She had a gut feeling that Casey had interfered with Mrs. Martinez’s treatment which was such a shame. She didn’t want to be biased, but Casey Valentine and Bryce Lahela were probably some of the strongest interns out of the program.

Well, aside from her and Ethan, of course.

And now, there was a possibility that Casey Valentine would lose her medical license.

Honestly, she thought that Casey had done the right thing, if not the smartest. Everyone loved Theresa Martinez and knew that those last few weeks were probably the happiest of her life. Even if they had been a few short weeks…

She had to wonder if Ethan knew about what Casey did. She sighed, her fingers twitching towards the phone. She was angry at Ethan for leaving without talking to her first- even though his rash behavior was exactly to be expected. She could remember his anger flaring up especially when they had to deal with people like Declan Nash…

And Naveen. Her heart sank. She knew why Ethan hadn’t trusted her with that. She was his boss, the chief of the hospital now and she was under strict protocols. They both still respected each other, even after their relationship fell apart but as for trust…

Ethan trusted Casey Valentine now.

There was a knock on the door and Harper called her unexpected visitor in.

Speak of the devil.

“I came to tell you that I was the one who gave the drug to Mrs. Martinez.” Casey said bluntly. Harper raised an eyebrow.

This was unexpected.

“I’ve been thinking long about it, and I don’t regret it. Nor do I want it to hang over my head for the rest of my life. I made my decision and I’m owning up to it. I want my chance to defend myself at an ethics trial.”

Harper fought back a smile. This girl was causing hell for the hospital with the investigations but she still fought. No wonder why she was so popular amongst some of the doctors. Sienna Trinh, Jackie Varma, Elijah Greene, Bryce Lahela… They all adored this girl and for good reason.

She wanted Naveen to come and tell her what to do, so badly. In moments like this, the thought of Casey’s fate being left to the board made her ill, especially when she thought of snakes like Declan Nash.

“Casey… if you lose, you might lose your chance to practice medicine.”

“I know. I’m prepared to face those consequences.”

Harper stared at her, but Casey held her gaze unflinchingly.

“Alright, I’ll call one for you and we’ll hold an ethics trial.” Harper sighed. She jotted something down on a piece of paper before looking at Casey again. “Can I ask, why are you willing to risk your career for this?”

Harper watched as Casey pondered the question.

“I think that a lot of what we do at the hospital is to please the people that fund our hospital and to not step on people’s toes. It’s a system that allowed us to help people, but there’s also a lot that is unfair.” She said thoughtfully. “Theresa Martinez… Her case was what we wanted- for her to live more and more years in treatment as opposed to what she wanted - to go and see the world. She knew the risks of the medicine and I think that giving her a choice as opposed to sticking to our system was the right one.”

“And besides… the system isn't always fair either, is it? One of my friends- Dr. Greene, well, he felt like a burden for most of his life because he couldn't get access to what he needed. I don't think it was right that he had to feel like that for his entire life because it was what the system dictated. I came into medicine to help people, Chief Emery and I think this is a hill I’m willing to die on."

There was a silence and Harper Emery finally worked up a smile.

"You know, this is part of the reason why you were first place in the rankings." Harper mused. Casey blinked back, surprised at her.

"It wasn't because I'm basically the only intern that Ethan knows by name?" She blurted. Harper frowned and Casey finally looked away, at the ground. "One of the other interns said that I had preferential treatment because of all of the time I spent with Dr. Ramsey and sabotaged me to level the playing field. I… I wasn't sure if he was right."

Harper studied her carefully. This woman was a wonder to her. She was so good, maybe even better than her niece but she didn't act like she was.

It also made her angry- that someone would purposely jeopardize the health of the patients and because of what? Because Casey Valentine was a better doctor than him/her? That she couldn’t have done it without dirty tricks? She wasn’t oblivious- she knew about the rumors that were whispered about Casey. She saw the way that Ethan’s eyes immediately found her when she walked into a room.

But Ethan was professional, first and foremost and even if he did have feelings for Casey Valentine, it would not affect her rankings.

"Not that it should matter, Casey,” Harper began. “But you came with high praise from both the attendings and the patients. You work hard, you stay after with the patients… you’re exactly like your mentor was when he was an intern. And Ethan Ramsey, for all of his faults, is a great doctor.”

Casey nodded and moved to leave. Right before she closed the door, Harper felt the words burst out of her mouth.

“Dr. Valentine… Good luck.”

[ryanmillermu]

Truth Hurts--Para

Who: Ryan Miller and @ohnotalec When: A few days after Emery and Ryder’s party Where: Alec’s frat house Triggers: mention of death, pregnancy, religion Note: interaction done over chatzy, continued from this post Summary: Ryan makes her way to Alec’s place with a favor in mind. Instead, Alec confronts her about her kiss with Noah, sending the couple into an intense argument.

***leaving the (predetermined) ending open ended to keep you all on edge, and to allow others to partake in the plot if interested***

Alec: Glancing at this laptop than Ryan, his mind pondered if this was really a conversation he'd wanted to have. He wasn't sure what he wanted from Ryan at this moment. "No Im not busy." Pursing his lips together he let out a drawn sigh. "So were you going to mention the whole Noah thing to me or did you think you making out with one of your drunk friends wasnt a big deal?" He shot his words at her as his eyes stared through he like daggers.

Ryan: She probably should've expected it. She and Noah had had the discussion. She knew Noah was going to confront Alec at some point. However, she'd maybe failed to realize how quickly he'd break the news to Alec. "Oh...he um...he told you." She stumbled over her words a bit, realizing then just how poor her plan to avoid the topic until Noah brought it up was. "Alec, I was going to tell you. I just wanted Noah to have the opportunity to get to you first. I didn't want to ruin your friendship with him. I wanted him to have the chance to explain himself that he was drunk and it had nothing to do with him having feelings for me."

Alec: Despite Ryan's attempts to explain, her actions had already done their damage. "No shit Ryan" squeezing the arm of his desk chair Alec what was going to come of this. There had to be a reason she would avoid the subject. "Let's be honest Ryan you weren't. You don't trust me enough to tell me. Or what I really think it is... You.... you have feelings for Noah. I don't know why else you would feel the need to fucking cover this shit up up Ryan." Gritting his teeth Alec's eyes shifted to the ground as his anger progressed into sadness.

Ryan: Ryan's eyes narrowed at his accusation. "You can't be serious right now." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I'm not the one who kissed him! He kissed me! When he was drunk. I didn't kiss him back. It was over the minute it started. And honestly, there's no need for me to tell you because I didn't do anything!" She shook her head. "Not for nothing, Alec, but don't you think if I wanted to be with someone else I would've broken up with you a long time ago? Everyone tells me you're going to break my heart anyway. Don't you dare accuse me of having feelings for someone else," she stood up, clenching her fists. She saw a hint of sadness in Alec's expression and felt guilty for a moment, however, she was too far gone now. "You were right in being mad at me for not telling you. That was dumb. But how freaking could you act like I have feelings for him?"

Alec: Furrowing his eyebrows, Alec's mouth hung open. "And Noah had enough respect to tell me about it. If it didn't mean anything why wouldn't you tell me? If some drunk girl kissed me I would tell you. I think there's a reason you didn't tell me." Ryan's anger took him back, he'd never seen an ounce of rage come from the blonde. "No I think you would be too nervous to tell me so you would just stop talking to me. Let's be honest you can't do confrontation for shit." Throwing his arms up Alec groaned, "What the fuck does what anyone else says mean for any of this? If you had a genuine concern you wouldn't voice it." Not wanting speak up to Ryan, he got on his feet. "Because I just feel like something is up with you... with us."

Ryan: "I haven't stopped talking to you, Alec. I'm right here, am I not?" She pointed out. "Yes, I hate confrontation and it was really crappy for me to avoid it for as long as I did but how could you think that there was something up with us? We've met one another's families. I would've never took you home if you didn't mean something to me. I--" she lowered her voice, not wanting his brothers to hear. "I gave you my virginity!" Ryan reminded him. "I trust you completely, Alec. And it's going to be a really sad day if you try to tell me that you don't think I'm in love with you because I made a mistake. That...that really sucks," she furrowed her brows at him. "Something is up! But for freaking gosh sake, Alec, it's not that I have feelings for one of your best friends! Do I need to remind you that you slept with my best friend and I never questioned that? I never once accused you of having feelings for her--and you actually screwed her! I was trying to look out for your friendship with Noah! And ya know what, now Noah's mad at me too. So fine. What are you going to do? Break up with me? Because if that's what you're going to do, maybe it's /you/ who has feelings for someone else."

Alec: "Whatever" He spat out. "Why wouldn't you tell me? Because it's something so small and you never brought it up so don't I know you've kissed other guys and brushed it off as not meaning anything? You could of just introduced me so they know you weren't lying about having a boyfriend. Who knows. I think I mean something to you, I just don't know what that something is." Cocking his head to the side he just shrugged, the topic of sex had been bothering him but he pushed that feeling down for Ryan. "And you deny it. You don't have to keep your voice down, they know we have sex Ryan. " He stated not bothering to match Ryan's volume. "I think you think you love me. That's what I believe. " Of course Ryan had to bring up the RJ situation, despite her denial Alec knew it had to bother Ryan. "What's up? Tell me then. I slept with your best friend before I even met you. I'll admit at one point I had feelings for her and then I met you and I haven't given her a second look since. I wasn't mad at Noah, shit happens. I've had a drunk girl kiss me before and she felt awful about it the next day. Fuck this. What would you even do if I was in love with RJ or some shit like that? Would you leave me?"

Ryan: “I was planning to, Alec! I wasn’t going to keep it from you forever. I was going to give Noah the opportunity to first and I hadn’t realized he spoke to you already,” she insisted, though, she wasn’t sure he believed it or not. “Is that really what you think? You think after everything I’ve told you about my relationship that I would turn around and do that to you? Since when did you start thinking so little of me, Alec? And if you think all of this crap about me, why are you still with me?” She frowned. Ryan gave him a look when he loudly stated that the two had sex. “It’s no one else’s business! I made that clear to you from the very beginning it wasn’t something I wanted everyone to be gossiping about. You told me you respected that. If that changed, maybe you should’ve told me that. Clearly I’m not the only one keeping things to myself yet, here you are getting upset with me for it.” She argued. “Are you kidding me?” Her anger dissipated at his statement, shaking her head lightly. “You don’t think I actually love you?” When he pressed her to tell him what was going on, she shook her head, feeling overwhelmed by everything Alec had just said to her. As if she wasn’t already overwhelmed with the possibility of her carrying his child. “How is that fair? You’re not mad at Noah but you’re mad at me? Alec, it didn’t mean anything!” She continued to insist. At his hypothetical situation, her face fell. She knew what it was like to be with someone who lied about their fidelity. His sudden question brought her back to that. “Why does that even matter? Why would you even say that?” She shook her head. “Do you love /me/?”

Alec: "Alright Ryan." With everything that had just been said part of him wanted to forget he'd said anything to begin with. It was too late now. "I don't fucking know Ryan. Everyone tells me that you're too good for me and I'm so lucky to have you, and maybe you've been hearing the same thing. That could of just gotten to you. I don't think little of you in any way, but I'm just upset I didn't hear this from you." It hadn't surprised him that Ryan was offended with this, it had always seemed to be her concern but Alec had been tired of the lies. "I didn't tell them Ryan. These walls are thin and they know I have condoms. They are smart enough to put two and two together. I don't go around telling people we have sex, but if someone ask me if I'm sexually active I'm not going to tell them no." He said in a defensive tone. "I don't know. Sometimes I think you like the idea of love and so you just tell yourself that you love me."He admitted still curious as to what Ryan was keeping to herself. "No forget that. What is it you want to admit? The reason Noah and I are both made is because you went about things the wrong way most likely." By her face it was clear that he'd truly struck a nerve, her questions wasn't something he wanted to drive deeper into to. "Yes I love you Ryan. I wouldn't introduce you to my family if I didn't."

Ryan: "People say a lot of stuff that isn't true, Alec. None of them know you the way I do. But I guess maybe I don't know you either because it's starting to sound like you don't believe a word of what I say to you," she shook her head with a frown. "You're not unjustified in being upset about that. I should've told you and I should've gone about this whole thing differently and I'm sorry for that but that doesn't mean that you get to act like I don't love you. Or act like all of this means nothing to me because I made a mistake," she rubbed her forehead. "Then maybe you just don't fucking understand, Alec," Ryan snapped at him. "Screw you, Alec," she shook her head, reaching for her bag. "I've tried so hard with this. It's not fair that you get to tell me that I don't actually love you or that I introduced you to my family as some big production because I messed up. I make a mistake and suddenly I don't love you anymore?" She looked to him. "This is why I lie about everything and try to pretend everything's perfect. Because when I mess up, this is what happens. Everything just implodes. I was trying to do the right thing! I didn't want to mess things up with you and Noah and I didn't know what to do and--no--" she pushed him away from her. "Don't fucking touch me. You made it clear how you think of me, Alec. You made it really fucking clear." The blonde took a shaky breath. "You don't see a future with me, Alec. I know you don't so forget all of this. Fucking forget it," she mumbled, shaking her head and started towards his door.

Alec: Words failed Alec, his mouth stood open while Ryen expressed her anger. He wouldn't dare stop her rage, rather he admired it. Biting his lip he found himself getting turned on the more her temper progressed. His mind blanked until the blonde headed towards the door. Reaching out behind her,Alec took her hand. "I'm I am sorry. Im wrong and I know that but also angry you is incredibly hot. I know you hate me right now but if you want to take your anger physically out on me right now. I think we'd both benefit. "

Ryan: Ryan was partially relieved when she felt Alec reach for her hand. She was upset--they both were--but, she did love him. She didn't enjoy fighting with him. She didn't enjoy being angry. She certainly didn't want them to leave things on that note. When he apologized, her face softened. He hadn't been wrong. He'd been justified in being upset about the Noah situation. However, he'd definitely said some hurtful things. She opened her mouth to apologize, stopping herself when he went on. Realizing what he was suggesting, the blonde lost it. She burst into a fit of tears, all control of her emotions going out the window. "I'm not having sex with you!" She shouted at him, pushing him back once more. "I think I'm pregnant!"

Alec: In that moment his heart stopped. Their fight. His lust for Ryan. All that went out the window when he heard the word pregnant. Shaking his head slowly he looks back from her. "No! No no nope. You can't be pregnant. No no. Is this a joke because it's not funny. Have you taken a test? I'll go buy a test and Plan B right now. We-we can't have a kid Ryan. No." His eyes began to water as he faced his nightmare of potentially being a father. "What do you mean by think? "

Ryan: Ryan's saw the panic in Alec's expression, which only caused her to panic more. "No," she shook her head, sniffling as she tried to compose herself. "I didn't know what to do. I-I didn't want people to see me buying a test and know that..." she bit her lip, knowing that the extent she was going to to hide the fact that they were having sex would likely make him more angry. "I was going to ask you but I knew you were going to freak out. So I wanted to wait. I thought maybe I was just a little late or something. But then I never got my period. And then I freaked myself out by looking at the symptoms and convincing myself I have all of them I-I don't know what to do." She said softly. "You can't tell anyone about this, Alec."

Alec: Clenching his jaw Alec knew this moment required him to gather composure. "Okay ". Raking his hands through his hair his mind shuffled through all their sexual encounters,seeing if they'd ever failed to us a condom. "Okay, I'm going to go buy a test. We need to confirm if this is real or not. And then we can go from there okay? " it wasn't much of a question on his side but he wanted Ryan to feel supported in this process despite how he felt. "This is going to be okay"

Ryan: Ryan relaxed slightly when Alec did. “Fine,” she said softly, wiping her eyes again. “Just get me the test. You don’t have to take it with me. I’ll text you.” She mumbled, figuring he didn’t want to deal with it given how their night had gone so far.

Alec: Reaching over to his desk he handed Ryan a box of tissues. Part of him wondered why he'd let their fight progress this far. "I want to be here for you when you get the results... If you want me to be of course." He understood if Ryan didn't want him to be there. Part of Alec didn't want to wait and the other part of him wanted to be there for Ryan.

Ryan: Ryan grabbed the box of tissues from him, mumbling a quiet thank you as she wiped her eyes. “Why? You just told me you don’t even think I care about you? Don’t you think I’d rather just take it with Noah? Since I’m in love with him?” She gave Alec a look. “I just want to get this over with and go home.”

Alec: Leaning against his desk, he groaned out of annoyance "That's not what I said. And I don't think Noah would want to be there for the test. That seems more like a Lola thing." He answered meeting her eyes. "Okay, that works for me."

Ryan: “It’s exactly what you said, Alec,” she argued, taking a seat back on his bed. “I’m not telling Lola that I’m taking a pregnancy test,” she shook her head quickly. Although, she figured she might have to start telling people if the test was positive. But she wasn’t going to let her mind go there right now. “If I’m pregnant, are you going to leave me?”

Alec: Joining Ryan on the bed he allowed a comfortable distance between the two. "I don't think you love Noah. You may like him but not love him in that way." He reasoned, a lot of words he said earlier came out of spite and now it was biting him in the ass. "Okay. Im just saying you may want to talk to one of your friends about it. You dont talk about sex with RJ?" It was a bit off topic but that would release the tension. "No...wh-why would you say that? "

Ryan: Ryan let out a little sigh when Alec sat beside her. “He’s my friend, Alec. I like you.” She continued to insist. “No one else knows except for you.” She shook her head, before remembering who else she’d told. She knew it would only make things worse if she lied. “And Noah,” she added quietly, feeling guilty for that. Maybe she understood more now why Alec was a bit concerned. “Because I know you hate kids. And you just told me all of these doubts you’ve been having about me.” Ryan frowned. “‘My aunt and uncle probably wouldn’t talk to me. I wouldn’t have anyone to help me except you. Especially once everyone finds out I’ve been lying to them about sleeping with you. And then once they all inevitably find out me and your best friend kissed.”

Alec: "I know. I was just being stupid." He conceded. Of course Alec understood her concern, quite frankly if she was pregnant the next thing he would do is look for school to transfer too. There was no point in admitting that in case she wasn't with child. Ryan's next words stung, reaffirming everything he'd just felt. "Wow. You told Noah? Not RJ or Emery but Noah? Okay Ryan. " strumming his hands against his legs, Alec debated telling the truth but he knew nothing good would come out of that. "Yes but if I have kids im not going to abandon them. We both know what its like to grow up without a parent and im not subjecting my children to that. Ryan why does it matter to you so much if people know? Im not one for sharing what goes on in the bedroom if that's what you're worried about."

Ryan: Ryan felt relieved when Alec insisted he’d just been being stupid. It wasn’t because she wanted him to admit defeat. But, Alec had opened up to her quite a bit in their relationship. Having thought he believed she would betray him hurt her. She wanted him to feel confident in her feelings for him. “It would be kind of weird to tell RJ when she slept with the same guy,” she pointed out. “And I didn’t want to talk to Em about you after the two of you had your argument. I don’t know why I told him. I wish I hadn’t but, I don’t want to lie to you again. You should know that I told him. And I’m sorry for telling him,” she apologized. If Alec was going to admit his wrongdoings, it was only fair that she did the same. She felt reassured when he insisted that he didn’t have the intention of abandoning a child. As selfish as it was, Ryan wasn’t entirely concerned about him abandoning their possible baby, but rather, abandoning her. Ryan carefully reached for his hand. “Thank you for saying that, Alec,” she said quietly. “It’s not like that. It’s nothing to do with you or the fact that I’m sleeping with you specifically. It’s...I can’t risk it getting back to my church or my family. And I...it’s still hard for me to accept too. I love you. And I trust you. And we made the decision together. You never forced me or pressured me into anything. But, sometimes I feel guilty about it. And before I can openly talk about it to people, I want to try to deal with that.”

Alec: Moments like these made Alec question Ryan's judgement. Taking a moment Alec gathered his thoughts careful not to voice any opinions that would upset her. While he still believed if a boy was sly enough Ryan would end up in her bed, it would of course offend Ryan. "Ryan... I'm dating you. I think RJ is smart enough to realize we have sex. As often we spend the night at each others house, you really think RJ is ignorant to the house we are messing around?? Furrowing his eyebrows he shook his head. "So you won't tell Lola, Emery, RJ, or any of your other guy friends but you trust fucking Noah?" His tone growing slightly. "I understand you're sorry. But You get my concerns right? You claim to be best friends with all these other people. Then Noah kisses you and you only confide in Noah about the entire situation. Noah apparently the only person you can trust with this secret. And you told him BEFORE me. I-I don't know what to think of it."He answered honestly. he wasn't the type to be jealous but Ryan's relationship with Noah was something he wasn't really fond of. With the situation with Ryan maybe being pregnant, Alec just wanted to know the results. Squeezing Ryan's hand he smiled gentility. "It makes me feel awful knowing that you feel guilt that we have sex. I understand you're worried about it getting back to your family. But you deny it everyone which just makes it seem like your embarrassed about the entire thing. It makes me feel like I'm corrupting you. I don't like the fact that I'm supposed to lie to my friends about something I've never had to lie about before."

Ryan: “I don’t know. And even if she did ask, I would lie to her. And she trusts me so, I don’t know.” Ryan sighed, realizing now how bad of a situation she got herself in with her lie. When Alec asked her if she understood his concerns, as much as she hated to admit it, she nodded. She felt badly for putting Alec in a position where he felt like he was second to another guy in her life. “I realize now how bad it looks. But, I hope you can trust me when I tell you that Noah is just a good friend. I love you. And I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt that,” she looked to him, wanting to know how genuine her apology was. “Wait,” she furrowed her brows. “No, I didn’t tell him about thinking I was...pregnant,” she lowered her voice when she said the word. “I told him we were having sex. Not...no. No one knows about...this,” she shook her head quickly. She wanted to set that straight before it started another round of fighting. “I’m not embarrassed. Not of you. It just...no. You didn’t do anything. Nothing about it has to do with you. Its’s a personal problem and I’m sorry for how it’s affecting you. I’m sorry I’ve asked you to lie to your friends and my family and everyone for me. I am. I should’ve been more honest about how I was feeling. I just didn’t know how to bring it up without making you feel hurt.”

Alec: "But why lie Ryan? She's your best friend. It just seems like you're putting yourself in a position where everyone is going to find out. What are you going to say when they do?" Though Ryan was acknowledging her wrong doing, it didn't seem like she was going to change. All this seemed to do was acknowledge their unspoken feelings. "But what's going to change? Im never going to tell you who you can and can't hang out with but it makes me uneasy that you seem to trust Noah more than me. Maybe theres work to be done on my end, if so tell me what to do. Going forward he wanted to make things better when meant work on both their ends. His eyebrows furrowed mimicking Ryan, "why did you tell Noah we were having sex then? Okay, I guess im glad im the first to know about this." His eyes glanced at her stomach. "Ryan I know you feel bad but that doesnt change things. Im not going to tell my friends a blatant lie. I understand the fear but I don't understand the shame. I would propose we stop having sex but I probably wouldn't be okay with that. I just don't know what you want going forward "

Ryan: “I-I don’t know,” Ryan shook her head. She figured it was easier to just deny what was happening than accept what was going on. She had a tendency to push her problems away until she was forced to deal with them, however, usually, there was no solution by that point. “I don’t. You know so much more than Noah ever does or would. I told him that we needed to chill it with hanging out with one another because I don’t want you feeling the way you do right now. It’s not fair to you. That’s why he’s upset with me, I think,” she explained. “I needed to talk to someone,” she said softly. “And I couldn’t tell Lola after I’d lied to her for so long. And RJ has had a lot to deal with because of Ezra. Hadley’s been dealing with the Addison thing. Emery and you were kind of arguing. I guess...I thought he’d be less likely to make a big deal of it,” she shrugged. “You don’t understand the shame because you didn’t grow up learning how wrong sex before marriage is, Alec,” she said gently. “You don’t understand how disappointed my dad would be. And I know that’s my fault. But....that’s why,” the blonde bit her lip. At his words, she glanced up at him. “So, if we don’t have sex anymore, you wouldn’t want to be with me?”

Alec: Biting the inside of his cheek his mind ran through how to best handle all this entire ordeal. While it would be easier to just ignore that this situation ever happened, it would just raise tension. "You can hang out with Noah. If you and Noah hanging out makes you happy then don't stop." He reasoned, Ryan had enough going on and all he was doing was adding to it at the moment. "Everyone needs someone to talk to and if Noah's your person that's okay. I don't want you to feel isolated becuase I don't get along with them." While Alec didn't understand the shame Ryan went through via her family he went through his own shame. "That may be true but I can relate to it. When I was 13 I took dance classes and I remember it being all over magazines. I've read blogs about people's opinions of my family. Shit, when I went to my mom's funeral I had someone messaging me telling me that my mom deserved to die....I know what it's like to be shamed by those around you. " At her next questioned he simply shrugged, "I wouldn't break up with you, but we'd have to work something out I guess. Why?"

Ryan: "Noah's my friend. I like hanging out with him but, not at the expense of /your/ happiness," she shook her head. Of course she didn't want to choose between the two, and she knew Alec wouldn't make her, but, it was clear that her friendship with Noah wasn't helping things. She and Alec clearly had enough to worry about at the moment. She didn't need to create more complications for them. "I know. But, I'm sure I'd feel the same way if you were confiding in RJ. It wouldn't be a malicious thing but, it'd still be hard. I didn't think about it from your perspective. I should have," the blonde told him. When Alec began to tell her about the past events in his life, she tried not to show how surprised she was. It wasn't often that Alec opened up, so she knew him doing so took a lot of trust. "I'm sorry you went through that," she said softly, glancing over to him. "I never knew that. You always just kind of seemed so confident in yourself. I didn't realize you'd had to deal with similar stuff," Ryan shook her head. She hesitated, contemplating if she should speak further on the topic of their sex life but ultimately deciding against it. "No reason," she shook her head. "We um, can we just do the test now? I can't really think straight."

Alec: "It's not at my expense though. I don't want to impede on your happiness and it's not fair to ignore Noah becuase it may make me unhappy." He insisted if it had gotten out that Ryan wasn't allowed to hang out with Noah becuase of her boyfriend, Alec would look like a dick. "I guess that's the same. You weren't really confiding in Noah unless you were actually confiding in him. I think it may be better if you talk about things with your female friends, they'll be able to see things from your perspective better." If Ryan wanted sex advice he wasn't completely surprised she went to Noah, but it just felt wrong to him. "If there's something I need to work on in the bedroom you can just tell me." He threw into the conversation. It was easy to just close off the parts of his life to was painful to discuss, but he knew Ryan deserved to be let in. "Don't be sorry. It allowed me to grow a thick skin. And I am confident becuase I have to be. If I listened to what everyone thinks I should do or should be I would be stuck in a circle trying to please everyone. " That's what he had to tell himself growing up. "Yes of course" Standing up he grabbed his car keys. "Ready?"

Ryan: "It's more important to me that you don't feel like I'm going behind your back. I have plenty of other friends. Me and Noah...well, he has plenty of other friends too," she insisted. She hated the idea of creating an unnecessary problem for Alec. "Yeah...when I told Noah I lost my virginity, he asked if I meant my anal virginity. So, I'm not sure he understood completely," she shook her head. He'd definitely offered her good advice and did his best to comfort her but, she knew Alec was right. The friendship she had with Noah wasn't exactly the type she would normally go to for that sort of thing. She'd learned her lesson now. At his comment, Ryan's eyes widened. "What? No, that's not at all why I said anything to Noah," she quickly shook her head. "You...know exactly what you're doing," Ryan blushed at her confession. If anyone needed sex advice, she knew it was probably her. "You don't have to be though. You could be like me and just completely deflect anything that could possibly impede your self-esteem and end up in this exact scenario," she half joked. "I like that about you. Because I know a lot of people are tough on you and it's dumb because they don't know how you really are. Like how you are with me. People try to say crap without knowing anything about you and it isn't fair," she shook her head. It bothered her when people made comments about Alec. The guy she knew didn't give anyone reason to say what they did. Ryan stood when he did, shaking her head. "I mean, not really. How could I be?" She pointed out, knowing that Alec was likely just as nervous. They were in it together. "But putting it off isn't much fun so," she walked alongside him. "Um," she placed a hand on his arm, looking up to him. "I'm sorry I flipped out on you. I should've come to you right away when all of this started." She began. "Thank you for helping me and not just leaving me to do it all on my own."

Alec: "Now we talked about things I feel better. I just don't want you to neglect that friendship over me." He insisted. Burst out into laughter, given the tension of the night felt needed. "Oh my gosh. That's amazing. I understand why he asked that, do you get why he asked that?"A smile still crossed his lips. "Okay, I was just asking. I'm just glad to know you're happy on your end." He smirked his eyes rolled over Ryan. Ryan's words warmed his heart, "Thanks babe. You're sweet and care about everyone around you. I know sometimes people think that your nieve and childish. It doesn't take long to see through that. I'm not capable of that kindness. I have to have up these walls for a reason." His face softened, Ryan made it easy to talk about these types of things. "I've never been in this situation before so I'm nervous too, don't worry." He smiled at Ryan, he stayed calm though on the side his nerves were strung. Feeling her touch he looked down at Ryan, "I was being a dick you don't need to apologize. Plus I've learned seeing angry really turns me on. So you know if you're ever angry..." Taking her hand he smiled down at her. "You're welcome. I love you Ryan."

Ryan: "Me too. I should've just come to you about it all in the first place. We could've avoided a lot of this," she sighed, realizing her mistake. "Are you asking me if I know what that means? Because yes, Alec. I know what he meant by it," she rolled her eyes with a little smile. Despite the topic of conversation, she'd be lying if she said she wasn't relieved that they were in a position now where they could laugh together. "I just want your friendship with Noah to be okay too. I hope now that I've made it clear that there's nothing between us you two can work everything out," she said hopefully. After all, her concern for their friendship was part of what got the couple here. "Well, I might be a bit naive and childish but, I guess there are worse things I could be," she pointed out. "You are so capable of that kindness. You have been to me at least. Everyone kind of has their walls up about some things. Doesn't mean you're not nice," Ryan shrugged. "Me either. Obviously," she shook her head. "We were both kind of dicks." She reasoned. They'd both said and done stupid things during their fight. She was just relieved they were able to move past it. "I'm hoping I don't really get that angry again, Alec," she raised a brow at him. She took his hand. "I love you too. Whatever happens. And...whatever you want to do if..." she said softly.

[aperfectionistsmind]

Red Flags.

When I was younger, I had this one friend. For as long as I could remember, he was in my life. I remember thinking that he’d be in my life forever. We were neighbors, we did everything together. He was the first person I trusted, and the first person I lost. Not by death, but someone who I just had lost contact with. I remember, how much that hurt, I remember feeling so alone among the other friends I had. The two of us just fell apart after he moved. He was the longest friendship I ever had. To this day, I still try to promise my friends we’ll be friends for a long time. I think this is where me not want to lose my friends stems from.

Flash forward to middle school, my next real best friend. Middle school was a time when things were very dark for me. I had learned what depression felt like, without knowing what it meant. I had learned what rumors can do to friendships. I remember how it felt when our friendship fell apart in the middle of the school hallway as she screamed in my face and I stood there powerless. This is when I thought I was cursed, that I would always just lose the people I was friends with.

In high school was when I thought I met my friends for life. I thought this, because well, this is what we all told each other. In high school for some people, it’s the popular crowd, that wasn’t me and my friends, but we were okay with being out of the in-crowd together. Because high school is every day, we all stayed close, by the time senior year rolled around, all of us promised each other that we’d stay friends, stay in contact in college, even though all of us were going to different colleges. If I could go back in time and change losing at least one friend, or friend group it would be people from high school, because what happened next was something I never thought I would ever think I’d ever get myself into.

In high school, I was quite the reserved person, anxious, quiet really. I was loud and outgoing around the people who I opened up to. I grew up in a house with strict, religious parents, so my comfort zone was where I lived. Those were the friends I was attracted to. In college, that was a bit different. Freshman year of college, I wasn’t too crazy, but that was when I met two of the people who would soon hurt me. I somehow met people who seemed outgoing and confident. I don’t remember when it all started, when I started to pull away from my friends from high school, they started pulling away also, and soon we just kind of fell apart, some of it because of my own insecurities. I think the first red flag with my college friends was when the beginning of sophomore year rolled around. We were all so close still. I remember the first day I saw my old high school friends hanging out without me and I was a bit upset, but I didn’t think too much of it. One of the girls (we’ll call her Jenny), noticed something was up, I mentioned how I was feeling. She told me that I didn’t need them, she said that I had them and they were much better, who cares about my friends from high school. It made me upset, but I didn’t say anything. Soon, it escalated to Jenny getting angry when I had to leave to home to go to dance practice, something I love, her and another one of the girls (we’ll call her Marie), would brag about what they did that night I was gone just to make me feel bad about leaving and then say, you should just stop going, stay here with us. It made me feel so upset. So, I quit dance. Sophomore year I had also told Marie that I hadn’t really gotten angry since I was seven years old, I was never an angry person, I usually got sad or anxious, but never really angry. She made it her mission to make me angry. Every chance she’d get, she was a major dick to me, to spare the details. Soon after that, if I wasn’t hanging out with them, they’d get upset at me, especially Jenny. I couldn’t have any other friends. If I was seen with another friend, they’d instantly bash that other person. I was so wrapped up in never losing more friends, that I didn’t realize how manipulative they were being.

When you think of abusive relationships, you think of significant others, you never think of friendships, nor would you ever think that you’d be in one with a friend yourself. I knew the signs, I was a smart girl, yet I got so wrapped up in how they made me feel, they I didn’t care about the manipulation at points. The friendship never stopped in sophomore year of college though. It took me a long time to realize how horrible they were being to me, and I didn’t realize until after I signed a lease to a house to live with them the following year. So, I sucked it up, I told myself, that maybe I was just faking it, that this happens to everyone, this is normal, even though I knew that this has never happened in my other friendships before. The February before we were to move in together, I decided to break off the friendship, at least until we moved in together. I thought having a break would be okay. That way, that when we lived with each other I didn’t feel the way I felt. This made it worse. Within me speaking for 10 seconds, Jenny kicked me out of the room and then proceeded to harass me on text. She told me I was child, to grow up, that I’m unprofessional, and fake. That I need to stop getting Marie involved, but the only thing I told Marie was that if she felt she needed to step away from me because she was caught in the middle, I would not blame her, but that also did not mean I would blame Jenny.

Everything seemed to calm down for a bit, mostly because I did not see the two of them. Then summer rolled around and Jenny texts me out of the blue that they were sticking me with the porch room in the house we were leasing. At the time, I was alright with it, it was secluded from most of them, had a separate door, I did not know what I was getting myself into. When she texted me though I decided, I would apologize. Why did I need to apologize? Honestly, I can’t entirely remember, I do remember I knew it would make her happy. I wanted to keep peace in the house. She seemed to agree and she seemed to apologize back. I knew though, when she apologized, she always did the same thing again.

Now I’m not going to go on and on about how horrible that house was, because it did have its upsides. I remember having good times there and trying to rekindle the friendship that I thought we had. I remember missing the friendship, no matter how manipulative it was, but that house, I regret. I lived in a porch room and when it came winter, it was cold.

I remember when they told me we couldn’t put up the heat anymore and I grabbed a third blanket. I then remember them telling me that they weren’t comfortable with me sleeping in the living room. I remember Jenny and Marie getting mad when I’d spend nights at Emery’s because her house was warm and quiet and I wouldn’t party with them, even though when I did party with them they would physical force alcohol down my throat. I remember getting hurtful texts because they thought I was touching the thermostat and turning up the heat. I remember winter break and coming back to a destroyed room after my only source of a little heat in my room broke and dirty water leaking all over my floor from it and warping my floor because my roommates turned down the heat too much all break when we weren’t there. I remember the breakdown I had because I couldn’t stand how I couldn’t get it clean and how I didn’t sleep that night because when I closed my eyes all I saw were bugs crawling on me and dirt everywhere even if it wasn’t actually in the room.

                    I remember how cold it got after that.

I remember when I was told that my landlord couldn’t fix it and to leave my door open to get the heat from the living room into my room, and then my roommates would close my door even when I told them not too, and I would come home to a freezing room. I remember seeing my breath in my bedroom and wearing my coat to bed, under three blankets when my roommates didn’t care. I remember when Jenny told me, and Marie lied to me and said that I was allowed a space heater in my bedroom, and that it was against the lease, even though my landlord told me I could use one. That was a lie, and they were breaking 7 things on the lease already themselves. When I tried to protest, Jenny told me I’d probably burn the house down because I’m childish and irresponsible.

The last fight I ever had with them was when I had been in the house for about a week because I stayed at a friend’s, because I was afraid to go back there, and it was freezing. Jenny and Marie both got the flu and got angry, I didn’t go out of my way to come home and shovel their cars out of the driveway. I told them that I wouldn’t be home till late so it’s not my responsibility to get Jenny’s boyfriend’s, and our other roommates car out of the driveway right now, but when I get home I’d shovel in front of the front door and a pathway from the mail person. Twenty minutes later I get a response, don’t worry about it, we already did it. When I got home, they had shoveled my door shut with snow. That was the night I moved out.

At this point, to try and avoid them, I moved out at three in the morning. Marie was up taking care of her drunk friends, and the dining room table I brought from home was broken. In which they lied to me about breaking and said it just snapped when they were moving it, but Jenny went through it when she was standing on it doing something, that I don’t know. When I moved out, I didn’t think I’d feel this sense of relief, but it felt so good. I had moved in with someone who lived in the same house with me and moved out a few months prior. I had someone to connect with. It was nice. Not to mention, this house was warmer.

Even though, after all this relief, I was left with a sense of darkness. I felt regret, because I had left people who were so great in my life, like old friends. I had left things that I love, like dance. Just because I was afraid to lose something that I thought was good at the time. I hated myself for missing the friendship I had with Jenny and Marie even though it was bad for me. Most importantly, I lost myself. I’m still trying to figure out who I am again. If you asked me if I wanted to go back and take it all away, I probably wouldn’t. I’m not who I was three years ago.

So, now after all this, you might ask, why am I saying this all? I wanted you all to know my crazy story of getting caught in this friendship. I want you all to know the signs of a friendship like this, to try and not get stuck in one yourself. It felt so lonely for so long, I have no idea how I would’ve done it without my best friend, and sometimes people don’t have others besides the person who is against them. So please, look at your friends, make sure they’re treating you right, make sure you’re treating them right. Look to see if their friends are treating them right. People deserve to have each other’s backs, not tear each other down.

[haleyfury]

One of the best parts of the summer is being able to read, swim, read, and tan. Did I mention reading outside in the summer is my favorite thing ever? My reading plans in July primarily focused on Book Expo ARCs and some necessary (summer) contemporaries. I actually read my three most anticipated books of the year this month, and I found myself craving more adult books and romance in July than usual! I definitely blame the latter for my love for the Off-Campus series by Elle Kennedy this year—I recently bought the first book in the spin-off series, The Chase.

The Start of Me and You by Emery Lord (reread) | 4.5/5 Stars

I enjoyed The Start of Me and You even more the second time around! And like the first time around, I spent a lot of time reading it and floating around my pool.

The Map From Here to There by Emery Lord (ARC) | 4/5

This was a solid sequel to The Start of Me and You, but I wasn’t as in love as I hoped I’d be.

Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren | 3.5/5

I liked how Love and Other Words flipped between the past and the present, but I feel like the book didn’t really bring anything I hadn’t seen before.

Unpregnant by Jenni Hendricks and Ted Caplan (ARC) | 5/5

If you thought that there could never be a thing called a ‘funny YA abortion story,’ think again and read Unpregnant when it comes out this fall.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo (ARC) | 5/5

I just knew Ninth House was going to blow me away, and it probably sounds ridiculous saying it because what else would you expect, but I found my favorite book of the year.

Pretty Guilty Women by Gina Lamanna (ARC) | 4/5

Pretty Guilty Women definitely makes for the perfect beach read and has some fast-paced, less complicated Big Little Lies vibes.

Mooncakes by Wendy Xu and Suzanne Walker (ARC) | 3.5/5

Cute and diverse graphic novel!

The Lady Rogue by Jenn Bennett (ARC) | 5/5

As expected because she is one of my all-time favorite authors, Jenn Bennett’s take on YA fantasy and historical fiction was everything I wanted.

Open Road Summer by Emery Lord | 4/5

I’m a little sad that I’ve finished reading Emery Lord’s published work, but Open Road Summer was a cute summer contemporary about romance, friendship and self-growth.

Maybe This Time by Kasie West | 5/5

In line with loving books that I really wanted to love, I found my favorite Kasie West book!

Hudson Valley (Nuts, Cream of the Crop & Buns) series by Alice Clayton |

As mentioned above, I’ve been craving contemporary romance lately, which led me to Alice Clayton’s Hudson Valley series. This trilogy has plenty of friendship, food and steamy romance to go around

The Fountains of Silence by Ruta Sepetys (ARC) | 5/5

I’ve been waiting over two years for Ruta Sepetys’ upcoming novel and once again, I was blown away by her beautiful and important storytelling.

The Dearly Beloved by Cara Wall (ARC) | 3.5/5

DNF: Permanent Record by Mary H.K. Choi. Major unpopular opinion here, but I was not a huge fan of Mary H.K. Choi’s Emergency Contact last year. Since so many people love her work and I’m always up for giving authors a second chance, I decided to try reading her upcoming release, Permanent Record. I really did not enjoy the writing style and Pablo’s narration/ him as a character. I read the first 120 pages and decided that it was just not the book for me.

Big Little Lies S2 (HBO) – I think I forgot to mention in last month’s wrap-up that I had started watching Big Little Lies S2. As much as I loved S1 and I did look forward to watching a new episode every week this season, overall S2 felt so unnecessary?! While the show dives deeper into big issues, like sexual and physical abuse, I felt some of the storylines were really unnecessary and the more I think about it, the more their lives would have been easier if they didn’t tell the lie. But will I watch a possible third season? Of course!

Outdaughtered S5 (TLC)- My favorite comfort reality show also returned this summer. Outdaughtered is just one of the cutest shows ever and I’m a little sad that this season was only 8 episodes.

The Man in the High Castle S1 & S2 (Prime)- I’ve been leaning towards shorter and fluffier TV shows this summer (and avoiding hour long shows as much as possible), but I decided to dive into one of the shows on my to-watch list, The Man in the High Castle. I didn’t except to love this show as much as I did! I admit I’m not a huge fan of the sci-fi-esque aspect (don’t want to be too spoilery), but I feel like it makes the show way less predictable. However, I admit that some of the politics do go a bit over my head.

Spider-Man 2: Far From Home– Spider-Man has always been the Marvel superhero I’ve been the most invested in, and like many, Tom Holland is my favorite Spider-Man. Far From Home was so good, easily becoming my favorite Marvel movie. I don’t know how we are going to wait two years for the sequel!

The Hate U Give- I finally watched The Hate U Give! I was really impressed with this movie and I loved the Angie Thomas cameo. My main/only complaint was that it felt (and somewhat was) very long.

Started watching/currently watching:

Last Chance U S4 (Netflix)

Sugar Rush S2 (Netflix)

The Man in the High Castle S3 (Prime)

Say Yes to the Dress S18 (TLC)

Reviews

CONTEMPORARY, CONTEMPORARY: July 2019 Mini Reviews

BEST MUSIC BOOK: Night Music Review

There’s Something About Sandhya Menon’s Books: There’s Something About Sweetie & As Kismet Would Have It Review

BEING IN LOVE WITH THIS BOOK: If I’m Being Honest Review

WISH I LIKED IT: Again, but Better Review

A 2019 FAVORITE & MORE: June Contemporary Mini Reviews

CONTEMPORARY, MYSTERY & FAMILY DRAMA: Past Perfect Life Review

Bookish Fun

The Book Addiction Tag

Books I Refuse to Lend

Top Five Wednesday: 2019 Favorite YA Contemporaries

Top Five Wednesday: Standalones I Wish Had Sequels

Top Five Wednesday: Waiting for Books from Favorite Authors

The Funniest Search Terms on My Blog

Highest Rated Books on my Goodreads TBR

ARCS, LIBRARY BOOKS & MORE: July 2019 TBR

I hauled three books in July. Two were purchased, including Youd’ Be Mine by Erin Hanh and The Chase by Elle Kennedy. The third was Your Heart is the Sea by Nikita Gill, which was kindly sent to me by Thought Catalog.

  I unexpectedly got the iPhone XR and I’m freaking in love with it. I was managing pretty well with my iPhone 6- I had some problems here and there with it and I had just recently gotten the battery replaced- but my family decided to take advantage of a Verizon sale and upgraded our phones. I try not to be phone obsessed, but the XR is just so cool! I’m loving the battery life (I can go 2 days with regular cell phone use without charging), the Face ID is so cool, and the camera is pretty great for a cell phone. If I’m too lazy to take my camera out for some bookish photos, the XR will definitely do.

Taylor Swift dropped another song from Lover, “The Archer.” I really love the lyrics, but not totally in love with the beat? Based on the three songs that have been released so far, I’m interested to see how cohesive the vibe of her seventh album.

Marissa Meyer is coming out with four new books between 2020 and 2023, including two contemporary romances! The first contemporary romance is titled Instant Karma, set for release in November 2020.

What did you read and watch in July? Share in the comments! 

READING BOOKS & BOOKS: July 2019 Wrap Up One of the best parts of the summer is being able to read, swim, read, and tan.