#i have personal beef with king princess i hate them

[blacksunemiku]

went to check the arcane album track list and there has to be a caitvi sex scene because king princess is on it and the macy’s heiress is not singing about a class revolution anytime soon 💀 all she does is whimper into the mic about bottoming

[paragonrobits]

given the heavy amount of inherent romantic subtext between Fionna and Ice Prince and thus by definition Simon Petrikov (as, even more than Winter King, Ice Prince feels a LOT like an idealized depiction of Simon at his most fancy and subdued sophistication and has no real signs of Ice King at all except for the magic jewels on his cape), I think its not implausible that we're meant to see some kind of romantic vibe or possibility between them

and in particular, Fionna has a few similarities towards Betty that's interesting in this regard; she has a similar impulsive attitude that ultimately drives the plot and her decisions keep forcing Simon out of his passive box, and she has more than a few verbal quirks that are specifically thinks Betty says: compare Betty time traveling and declaring 'I'm leaving past you for now you, dum-dum!" with Fionna bonking him on the head and making him think straight while also calling him dum-dum, which I don't recall anyone else saying.

So with this in mind, what are we to think? Is this deliberate in-universe? It's pretty likely that if it is, it might be coincidental; I don't think you can ENTIRELY rule out Golbetty pushing Fionna in this direction, though I don't know if it sounds right for Golbetty to essentially make Fionna a substitute for her, especially since their character arcs aren't aligned in finding substitutes

what I think IS happening is that both of them have personalities that lean in that general direction; its clear that Fionna is at least interested in the sort of personality Ice Prince represents; the calm and literally cool sophisticated gentleman, which also lines up with Hunter's character, though he's more of a blue collar variation. It's likely that this sort of guy is her type as far as men-aligned people go. (Which makes a contrast given that she gives the impression she still hates baths and probably smells of wet beef, but horrible gremlin x sophisticated gentlefolk IS an excellent character contrast)

Simon is a bit harder to gauge in this direction; we only really have Betty as an established person he was personally interested in. However, we CAN make some guesses with Ice King and the princesses he tried to pursue, most obviously Bubblegum (who might also be the one he pursued the most because she has quite a few things in common with Betty), but from the other princesses he tended to fixate on, there's a few common elements. They tend to be highly intelligent (which, no offense to Fionna, but she IS a Finn variant so... emotional intelligence perhaps but not really a brainlord), very assertive (yeah), impulsive (oh yeah) and even physically powerful (and while Fionna doesn't quite have the power to match up her bravado, she WANTS to); she does map up pretty well to the sort of people Simon has fixated on while he was Ice King.

with this in mind if Golbetty's intent WAS to set them up for whatever reason or get them to move on, respectively, it probably wasn't the most sensible decision given that any crossover romance is the most extreme long distance relationship imaginable but also that DOES sound like a Betty plan. good intention I guess!

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale’s Theories: Ganondorf is not the same Ganondorf

Now if you have read that statement, you are probably VERY confused

What do I mean by that?

Well buckle up kiddos, I’m about to drop my theory on you.

Demon king Ganondorf from tears of the kingdom

Is not the same as Calamity Ganon

In fact he isn’t connected to the other Ganondorfs in the Zelda Timeline.

So Spoilers for tears of the kingdom.

The Demon King Ganondorf came to be 10000 years before the events of Tears of the kingdom. Around the founding of Hyrule, in the Age of King Rauru and Queen Sonia.

He killed the queen and stole her sage stone to become the monster that he is. The demon king

With his power, he nearly destroyed Hyrule. But he was sealed away by Rauru.

And eventually the seal gets undone. That results in the Gloom leaking out and Link and Zelda going to investigate, thus beginning the events of the game.

Now how can I say for sure that this Ganondorf isn’t the same as the Calamity Ganon, or that Calamity Ganon is not just a manifestation of THIS Ganondorf’s hatred.

Well it’s actually quite simple.

It revolves around Demise.

Demise, the Demon king that made the cycle that always has his hatred follow the blood of the princess and spirit of the hero.

Whenever that incarnation of Hate appears to cause trouble, it’s because Link and Zelda are both around or are coming.

This is the case in each game, EXCEPT for Tears of the kingdom.

Ganondorf didn’t manifest, the DK Ganondorf was sealed away by another person for 10000 years. There was no hero to confront and fight this Ganondorf back then. In fact, Zelda only shows up in that past AFTER they met him in the depths, altering history and causing her appearance as a dragon in the game. Zelda and Link wondered into this Demon King’s whole agenda, his beef wasn’t with Link or Zelda. If it was, Ganondorf, who would have had the memories of his previous lives would have KNOWN Zelda and Link prior to meeting them. He would have probably gone after them first.

But he didn’t, this Ganondorf arrogantly fought Link not as a nemesis he clashed with before like with his other iterations, but as some sort of annoyance that his true enemy warned him about.

And there is an important piece of dialogue that was in breath of the wild.

“He has Given up on Reincarnation.”

This form is no longer human or any sort of mortal. Calamity Ganon was the incarnation of Demise’s hate and the evil being that the hero of hyrule and princess were bound to fight.

The Demon king Ganondorf and Calamity Ganon are not the same.

If we even want to go further. The evil miasma that DK Ganondorf is responsible for is called Gloom,

While the Dark miasma that Calamity Ganon makes is called Malice. Both treated as different things in the Zelda universe

But before you all say

“But Gale, in Botw, it mentions Calamity Ganon appeared 10,000 years ago and Demon King Ganondorf appeared back then.”

Both can be correct, because, Calamity Ganon, appeared before Ganondorf.

Totk took place 5-7 years after BOTW.

Meaning, that Calamity Ganon appeared and was defeated by the Link and Zelda of that time with the Shiekah tech.

It’s likely the fight decimated hyrule but was stated as a success since Ganon was defeated.

Then the Zonai appeared likely seeing the aftermath and brought their tech, resulting in the Refounding of hyrule.

Ganondorf appears and pulls his bulls*** and bam. The imprisoning war.

After Mineru vanishes there were no more Zonai to help with the tech and thus useless and likely the ancient sheikah tech was lost to time. Thus 100 years prior to botw, the rediscovery of that Sheikah tech. Which was less complicated so it was easier to rediscover.

And that tech was eventually scrapped After Calamity Ganon was defeated so the guardians and Beasts could not be taken advantage of again.

[shaunamilfman]

THIS IS SO LONG I APOLOGIZE. been thinking of (actual) princess!jackie and knight!reader !!! except, your parents were killed at the hands of jackie’s father when you were younger and you swore to get revenge against the Taylor family.

They were holding a tournament to see who the strongest knight was, you thought this was the perfect opportunity to gain the attention of the royals. you end up winning and the King personally congratulates you. jackie happens to fall in love at first sight when you take off your helmet and begs her father to hire you as her personal knight.

Spending more time with her and her family, but you have to keep reminding yourself why you’re here. but of course, she’s Jackie Taylor and you gain feelings. You take her out at night sometimes to go lay by the lake and just talk. She always asks about your childhood but you brush it off, or make things up. Your first kiss was the day you took her to this flower field near the village you grew up in. You complimented her and told her that her beauty reminds you of flowers, and it took her at least 5 minutes to calm down before she kissed you.

Thinking how hard it would be when you realize you actually Love her. Your real beef was with her father, but you couldn’t handle how distraught she would be if she found out your plan. this is getting long again so let me get to the ending. i had 2 in mind: the King finding out ur intentions and killing you before you killed him, and in front of jackie too :/ OR going thru with ur original plan and killing the entire Taylor family. Jackie included. she’s so betrayed and keeps muttering “why?” over and over until she takes her last breath.

princess jackie ik thats righttttt. this ask reminds me of that butcher of gaul jackieshauna fic a bit actually 🤔. hello. my name is y/n. you have killed my father. prepare to die

jackie sees you run your sword through someone and falls in love at first meeting for sure. you take your helmet off and are covered in the blood of your opponent and it takes everything jackie has not to jump you right there.

you spend so much time protecting jackie because shes so clumsy all the time and you're like "how is this girl alive???" you're like "hey!" and jackie gets so overwhelmed she trips on the carpet and nearly falls down the stairs. oh no, you have to catch her in your arms. she's so obsessed, honestly. (she never seems to be clumsy in the slightest when you're not around)

jackie's just so kind and earnest that you can't help falling for her. princess jackie gives her allowance away to the poor and really cares about her people. she stops in the square to talk to them and seems to know a lot of them by name. she talks to every one of her servants and asks them about their families or how their new baby was doing. she's so very loving that it goes against everything you've ever heard about the king.

you've spent your entire life hating the royal family that you really don't know what to do when confronted with the fact that she's an actual person and you're having a harder and harder time trying to demonize her. the opposite is true for her father, he's just as awful as you heard and even to his own family.

thinking about jackie lying out by the lake while your in full armor standing guard and her just begging and begging you to come sit with her. finally you sneak her away in the middle of the night to do it because the king would have you killed if someone ran into you during the day. jackie's so honest as she talks about her childhood and stuff she loves that you try to be as honest as you can be without actually telling her anything.

your first kiss is so fucking soft and gentle. neither of you have ever had a chance to kiss someone before, her being the princess and you being too busy preparing for revenge. you pull away a bit from her after that, having a really hard time coming to terms with these two waring ideals. you love her so much, deeply and truly. you never thought you'd love anyone like that after your parents died. you've planned your entire revenge around dying after since you wouldn't have a purpose or anyone left to miss you. but now you do, and you aren't sure what to do anymore.

i think both of those endings are depressing as fuck (power to you though bro) so i'm gonna leave it here.

[viscardiac]

There were we, me, @targaryen-brainrot, and @number-0-iz looking at a Daemon/Alicent setting. Consider that Daemon was unmarried, either never married to Rhea at all or she died before for whatever reason. And blur a little the lines between the show and the book for better aesthetics.

Otto might deslike Daemon as much as he will, but Daemon is a prince. For all effects, Aemma is still alive, and Otto has an unmarried daughter. He would have pushed for a wedding between them. He hates Daemon, but he loves power more. And what's more, Viserys would have accepted it delightfully. Alicent is a young woman from a prestigious noble family and daughter to what he sees as a loyal servant of the crown. Maybe Daemon will settle down after all.

And so the wedding happens. Daemon will see her as an extension of Otto, and will likely be very much terrible to her at first. It wasn't her he wanted, after all. Aemma invariably dies in childbirth, whatever the nature of her death, and Viserys needs a new wife either way. For politics, he marries the Lady Laena Velaryon. Book wise, she was older than Laenor, a change that show wise, I still don't see the point of, maybe to justify him choosing Alicent over her, to make everyone involved look creepy, I don't know. Let's keep Laena with her original age for this one. There is still enough reason to maintain Rhaenyra's wedding to Laenor, so she still does.

Those are our key pairings for this scenario, Daemon and Alicent, Viserys and Laena, Rhaenyra and Laenor. We are keeping the children with their mothers, and that would shift things out some.

Baela and Rhaena are immediately in line after Rhaenyra. Nobody wants Daemon with the crown for a very good reason, and if Otto pushes for it, it'll be obvious he means for his daughter to be queen — it won't stop him from trying, mind you, but it gets to be seen as it is: a grasp for power. I will keep them as they are, but instead of taking after Daemon, Baela takes after Princess Alyssa... Whom Daemon took after as well, so I suppose it evens out.

Aegon, Helaena, Aemond, and Daeron are children to Daemon. I find it fun to have Aemond as Daemon's son. The parallels were there, but now, they are direct. Daemon was shown to be fond of his children book wise, they were important not only to him personally, but to him as a character. For all his flaws, he left such a lasting impression that Aegon III spoke of him so fondly his daughter Daena named her own son Daemon. It's one of my biggest beefs with the show, actually, to cut that out from him. He doesn't love Alicent, far from it, but there's something about punishing her in place of Otto. And then Aegon is born, and something shifts a little to the left. There it is, the valyrian babe Viserys wanted and that now he has. It would seem Alicent is capable of such despite her common looks. Aegon was never pressured to be a perfect heir. Daemon always seemed keen on letting the kids roam free and do their thing, after all. Helaena is his precious little girl. He will have the seamstresses embroider her dresses with bees and centipedes and spiders and crickets. Anyone who speaks ill of her interests will be put to the sword — is it not high treason to speak against a princess of the crown? Aemond may ride Caraxes with his father while he doesn't have a dragon of his own. It'll be fine. Someday they'll be back on Dragonstone. Maybe he can claim Vermithor as his own. Daeron is told about brave knights and kings of old, and strives to be just as dashing.

Jacaerys, Lucerys and Joffrey still are just as they are. Brown haired, and dark eyed. But alas, Harwin needs to back off eventually, by either death or the hand of politics. Let's say Laenor doesn't die, no matter if a faked death or a murdered one. Let's say he just wasn't there on the wrong moment, or that Rhaenyra can't be had, and therefore there's no point in getting him out of the picture. She will find love elsewhere, as she is bound to, but without such strong (ba dum ts) genes on the way, Aegon, the younger, and Viserys are just as pale of hair as their mother is. Despite whatever ethnicity the Velaryons are pinned as, it definitely helps the older boys' claims that there are younger sons of valyrian appearance (you see, King Viserys had this mare once...). For the sake of this au — and our own enjoyment, no doubt — I say little Visenya lives to be just as lovely a girl as her mother.

Daemon will, no doubt, try to poison Alicent. Rhaenyra's heirs are bastards, you should be Princess of Dragonstone, you should be next in line to be queen. Otto does the same. But this marriage was, nonetheless, accepted and pushed foward by Viserys and Otto, and neither Alicent nor Rhaenyra fail to see it. There is, of course, a sour note to her friend wedding the uncle she wished for, but Alicent can do nothing about it, her fate has been decided. Laena is a good political choice, and nonetheless, she and Rhaenyra were close, book wise. Their little circle is expanded to include Alicent, and the Queen and Princesses grow closer to each other.

No matter the dealings of their father, Alicent's children never learn to hate their cousins by experience. The behavior that led to it is never tolerated in the women's circle, and reprimanded, extinguished. Aemond never needs to take Vhagar, he and Rhaena bond over being dragonless for the time being. He never loses an eye, and perhaps, as per suggestion of his father in younger years, takes Vermithor as his own. Perhaps he is the one to encourage Rhaena to take Vhagar. Laena's death is openly mourned by all of them, and her girls are taken care of by her good-sister and good-daughter, and their nephews and cousins. Rhaena and Helaena sew together, and Baela will compete in flights with Jacaerys and Aegon.

With a large and united family — that Viserys himself never spent a minute building — marriages are arranged. Baela being the oldest of Rhaenyra's sisters is betrothed to Jacaerys as heir to Rhaenyra's throne, further unifying the line. Rhaena, however, is betrothed to Aegon the elder, bringing Daemon's children into the mix. Helaena, though, is joined to Aemond, as Daemon thinks no one else but one of his sons would be appropriate for his precious daughter. Wedding Aegon and Rhaena puts Daemon's blood upper on the succession line, and even more so when Daeron is betrothed to Visenya. It does not sate his wish for the crown, but makes the impossibility of it bearable. It becomes acceptable when either Jaehaerys or Jaehaera are married to Jacaerys and Baela's heir.

Otto dies mysteriously in a freak accident. The likely guilty parties are too many to count. Viserys I still corpses out eventually and dies. No amount of blabbering will take Alicent to believe the throne should be taken from Rhaenyra. She has now been a queen in everything but name since Laena's death, become apt and led to understand how to run a kingdom. No one else would be more suitable.

The dying of dragons never happened because there were three women who supported each other. And, of course, because of one glitch marriage as a grasp for power.

Bonus: Addam of Hull becomes a queensguard, while his brother Alyn becomes a famed sea captain. The Princess of Dorne is enchanted, and the dornish court becomes a home to return to.

[giselberts]

HI i'm going to ramble about a little brainworm thing heehee

it's based on this stupid little dream i had about barbie 12 dancing princesses but my brain made it into its own thing which i think is just a more adult/serious version of it and it was kind of cool which is why it lives on in my brain ANYWAYS

there's 16 princesses this time (and maybe even a 17th one on the way) and the king just fucks. a lot. homie went through 3-4 wives at least i'd say?? he's chill with his daughters and encourages them to do their own thing, but deep inside he's absolutely seething and crying because he's got no son. he's very mildly coping with that by being happy his own eldest daughters have sons of their own but he hates their husbands too. he should go to therapy i think

the princesses all have their own little talent thing going on, like in the barbie movie, but they mostly keep themselves in groups divided by whoever they have in common as their mom. they have no names yet i just give them letters heehee :) they go from A to P

the first batch of princesses (B to E) are all married off, living their own lives with their own kids and shit, which makes A very lonely since her closest sisters are away and she sees how much she's missing out on since she got in an accident when she was 12ish which killed her mom too, and has had fucked up health ever since, which makes her definitely not the most eligible bachelor in town despite of who she is 😔 instead she just… mildly takes care of her other sisters and makes sure they don't grow up all fucked up from how the royal court treats them

the eldest daugther (F) from the second batch of kids has unrequited beef with ms A for no reason at all. she's jsut a little hater but also she's 17 i think you're legally required to be a hater at that age. ok i lied there's a reason as to why she's a hater, and it's bc A kind of babies her sisters?? which is for a valid reason (the accident she almost got killed in + knows how ruthless the court can be), but A refuses to elaborate on that because she doesn't believe in clear communication and would rather die than sit down and have a conversation (/hj on that, she just doesn't want to relive the accident by speaking abt it)(she should go to therapy) with her younger sisters. her bodyguard that she definitely doesn't have a mutual crush on is okay though he should be paid extra for being her therapist.

F also lowkey manages to rally her other sisters (G to N, the last two are too young) to be against A, but in more subtle ways. A doesn't notice because she's too used to being gossiped about to care which pisses off the other sisters 😭

one of the themes i really want to explore in this lil world is parentification of siblings/eldest daughter syndrome + sibling dynamics + personal identit!! for personal identity it's more of a "i am a member of a royal family, i am expected to act this way and do these things in a very precise order but i am not allowed to explore who i am outside of these things" aspect of things + "i am surrounded by sisters who all have found their own interest that makes them unique, how do i find the one interest that sets me apart" (though that one would apply more to the youngest princesses, who are a bit too young to be affected by that first part of personal identity)

i am so normal abt this. if you ever ask me anything about this i will kill for you

[torgawl]

#all I know is that Celestia needs to rethink what they qualify as a 'lone seelie survivor' cause man do they keep popping up#and by god do they all do the most fucked up shit when in love#like I get the ban on seelie romance now#it was for the people's safety#and we've only been seeing the results of watered down seelies/kin imagine a full powered seelie in love #an underground seelie organization in Snezhnaya that hates the cryo archon would be so funny#like what the hell did SHE do

truly!!! isn't the tsaritsa the archon of love, too? it's a funny concept that they would have beef ahah but yeah, i do not know if they are actually connected to the seelies, one could imagine they would have similar goals after the heavenly principles basically wiped them out?! pondering

#in the Perinheri book the name khaenri'ah wasnt used was it?#it was a land established before the domestication of birds and yet the Alberich clan was already well respected...#did they rename their society after the fall of the Crimson Moon dynasty?

#fed from an unknown source... a beautiful dragon of jewels...#black dragon that spews red poison and the dragon that was fought on Fischl's summer island play#a transforming knave with powers that burn away peoples memories and Princess Fischl who forgot the land she ruled #'if you still care for humanity than drink from this cup' and so the crimson moon's king did#it was something like that wasnt it?#then I wonder#what led to that decision? had the dynasty known for taking in children from beyond their realm already learned forbidden knowledge?#and to spare the rest they took themselves out much like the snake in inazuma?#but they wanted to see the fall of the Eclipse dynasty as well though... hmmmmm...

that line from crimson moon semblance reminds me so much of this line in "a drunkard's tale".

it matches the "unknown source" and considering the abyss is linked to forbidden knowledge maybe the leader of khaenri'ah did indeed drink that wine, literally or metaphorically. it's also curious that - if "benevolant master who commands all" and "leader of khaenri'ahn noble families" are the same person - that his bloodline has gone blind in one eye, according to the weapon description. and some khaenriahns do indeed hide one of their eyes, although i don't think it's ever implied they're actually blind. again, not sure if this is a literal description or not since fictional books aren't trustworthy sources of information. the weapon also says during this time, before the pitch-black sun covered the underground, "the ancient honorable clan ruled the vast kingdom". could this be the alberich? the text goes on to say "by the time the pitch-black sun shone upon all, the name of the crimson moon faded", which i assume means the crimson moon was forgotten, even in khaenri'ah. was the irminsul affected during the "clan-extinguishing disaster"? they also divide people into impure, the ones who suffered the curse, and the spotless, untouched by fate. arlecchino references the balemoon as a curse, if kaeya doesn't have the power of the balemoon, it would mean (by that logic, if it makes any sense) he is untouched by fate - which could be connected to why he's the last hope of his people. obviously it's hard to talk about timelines and dynasties as we don't exactly know how long the crimson moon dynasty lasted or what cause the shift in the first place. irmin was also supposedly the last king of khaenri'ah but are we even sure there was another one considering there seems to be a connection between forbidden knowledge and the crimson moon?

diluc mentioned in the lore of "wings of concealing snow", nice!!

you know, i wonder if the owls in this story are connected to the underground intelligence network that contacted diluc in snezhenaya. his character story definitely refers to the "observer" as a third-party entity, considering diluc's distaste for the fatui, the abyss order and the knights of favonious we can rule all those options out of the way. the way they don't go into detail about it or even go as far as saying its name, mentioning how secretive they are, i assume they're not a group we've met/are aware as of yet.

going back to "wings of concealing snow" though, the story is very clearly about sal vindagnyr. the description separates the population, if i can call it that, in two different groups: falcons and owls. owls are described almost as if they were councelors while falcons are described as ambitious, with the desire to rule the skies.

from the information we have of sal vindagnyr, we know there's 3 important figures with higher hierarchy: the princess (prophetess and highly connected to the frostbearing tree), the scribe and the priest-king (the princess' 'father').

the princess was able to foresee the future - for example, she foretold what would much later happen with durin - and painted the murals we can still see in dragonspine. she was specifically called a lovely maiden and described as having beauty and skill that was thought to be as eternal and pure as moonlight. it's also relevant to point out the frostbearing tree was very likely an irminsul tree. if we know anything about symbolism in genshin is that moonlight, knowledge and the ability to foresee the future are all key-words that directly point to seelies. and we can parallel this princess directly to someone like sibylla, mentioned in remuria as advisor of god-king remus, who appears as a golden bee and who protected the irminsul where an ancient civilization was located in the abyssal depths. the form of these remuria bees are very akin to what seelies look like and there's also heavy implications she was a seelie. it would make sense that someone overlooking the irminsul tree in ancient dragonspine was also a seelie, or at least related to one somehow.

as for the concept of priest-kings, they're not something exclusive to sal vindagnyr. we've seen the exact same depictions of crowned individuals guiding populations in tsurumi island and the concept was also talked about in the "guilded dreams" artifact set (the set focuses on king deshret and a sumeru desert civilization).

i think it's not that crazy to think ancient civilizations had similar social foundations. the way seelies cohabited with humans, also learned from the chasm lore, implies they guided humanity in some way as divine envoys (words used in "flower of paradise lost", artifact set about nabu malikata). or, more specifically, advised civilizations' gods/kings.

the wings' description also goes on to talk about "birds of the land of the wind" and say the owls gained dominion in the absence of light while fledgeling birds stayed in their nests. this happened after the nail was casted upon sal vindagnyr and the darkness drowned the land (likely the abyss, in reference to forbidden knowledge). if owls and falcons are adult birds in this story, maybe the fledgelings refer to the basis of what would later become the mondstadt civilization. the line "the nestlings would never know who it was who saved them" followed by "the dragon ... would also be forgotten" imply the saviour of the people was someone who ended up being forgotten. as far as i'm aware, there's only one being who was worshipped in mondstadt and ancient civilizations like the one in enkanomiya who ended up forgotten, istaroth. so, there's that!! i also thought it was interesting that the owls that "once shone brightly in the darkness" would also end up with the same fate, although there's no mention they ever disappeared, which brings me to the next point.

"a flash of red flames would reveal his silhouette for but a moment in the darkness of the night, before he disappeared in an instant" sounds a lot like what the owls were like to the people of mondstadt. diluc also only started his darknight hero endeavours after he returned from snezhenaya, after entering the secret organisation and rising quickly in its ranks. and guess who, in the manga, wears an owl mask? an owl is also diluc's constellation and these are diluc and kaeya's respective voicelines in the section "interesting things":

coincidence that kaeya associated the owl with dragonspine? moreso, some of diluc's voicelines are very intent on judgement/punishment: "time for — retribution!" or even "lay waste to the wicked!" which parallels fischl's "no rest for the wicked...". fischl has also said the retribution voiceline in "summertime odyssey". these are interesting parallels because fischl from "the legend of the shattered halberd" and "flowers for princess fischl" has a red eye - auge de der verurteilung or eye of judgment/condemnation - and her mission is to observe and weave the threads of fate. fischl not only parallels kaeya but also king irmin, though it's still interesting this theme is also connected to diluc. but how does this connect to dragonspine? this is the ending line in the description of "wings of concealing snow".

whatever that "greater trial" is, it also implies some sort of payback towards celestia and/or the abyss. as for who are the "we", if not the seelies who got basically wiped out from teyvat, i can only think of the owls.

at last, i want to leave here the messages found in the scribe's box found in dragonspine that clearly belonged to the scribe in sal vindagnyr:

the first message shows resentment towards the skies (it almost sounds like tsaritsa's desire to burn the old world described in the cryo gemstone). the second message refers dust and wind which are very suspicious words considering they can be connected to concepts like alchemy, khaenri'ah and either the anemo god or the god of time. it also shows intent in finding imunlaukr (the hero from another land that left sal vindagnyr to fight what i assume was the abyss during the conflict). the fourth message directly states this person was the last to survive and that it made no more sense to keep watch (of what? the fledglings like the owls?), probably meaning this person left dragonspine. and, in the last message it directly references khaenri'ah's establishment and early days. could this person have fled to somewhere outside of teyvat, away from the gods, like khaenri'ah? this really isn't that surprising when we have in account sal vindagnyr and khaenri'ah share the same written latin-based language.

i actually went a bit more in depth about sal vindagnyr and imunlaukr on this twitter thread, if anyone cares, but i'm going to include here part of it. the name imunlaukr means "sword", being a direct reference to the god ullr - step-son of thor and the son of lady sif. sif was famous for her beauty and unique golden hair, said to be inherited by her children. genshin's imunlaukr went on to pass his name on to a clan in mondstadt that was known for raising brave and gifted warriors that fought hard and died young. the clan adopted their progenitor's viewpoint that combat was merely for the entertainment of the gods and as such would fight anyone and anything for the sake of fighting, as well as enact war tales. do you know who else is a sword, happens to be blonde and has connections to khaenri'ah? dainsleif, which translates to dáinn's heirloom. dáinn (or dain) means 'dead' and he's a character in norse mythology. most of the tales relating to him depict him as a dwarf or king of elves. hehe, break time to introduce fun facts about nibelung. the term in legend has usually referred to either a group of humans or a group of dwarves but the name in genshin is likely derived from richard wagner's four-part opera der ring des nibelungen "the ring of the nibelung", in which the dwarf (or nibelung) alberich creates a ring capable of controlling the world, using gold he stole from the rhinemaidens (or rheintöchter "rhine-daughters"). the conflict that arises over the ownership of this ring eventually leads to the destruction of the gods and their home. continuing with dainsleif, in myhtology, the sword is involved in a so-called eternal battle between kings, initiated by one man falling in love with and running off with another's daughter. dainsleif was forged by the dwarves whose god/king was alberich, and the sword was cursed with insatiable bloodlust and would not be able to be sheathed until it had killed and any wound caused by the sword would never be able to heal. maybe the connection between imunlaukr and dainsleif is a stretch - timewise, it wouldn't really make sense as dain seems to be exclusively from the eclipse dynasty but khaenri'ah was somewhat recent in the scribe's notes - but i really don't think the connection between khaenri'ah and sal vindagnyr is.

furthermore, dainsleif is called "bough keeper", a bough being a branch of a tree - like the irminsul. if you notice his design, one of his arms has blue lines akin to those in irminsul trees. blue lines also appear in his and pierro's mask. the introduction to his character is written by a self-proclaimed prophet and mentions the desire to see the skies burning - like the message in the scribe's box - as well as desire for atonement of bygone mistakes and mentions of alchemy (gold being the end goal as it's related to reaching the magnum opus and the philosopher's stone - elixir of life and immortality). the symbol the angel figure in dragonspine's mural is handing to the humans resembles a circumpoint, that can represent gold. it's also something that appears associated with rhinedottir in one of the videos about the hexenzirkel (which makes sense as she's such a proeminent figure related to the art of khemia and khaenri'ah, very much associated with the cataclysm).

not sure what the conclusion of all of this is but i don't think it's impossible this underground intelligence network and the owls might be something connected, directly or indirectly, to the person from sal vindagnyr that might have fled dragonspine all those years ago or even khaenri'ah. could diluc and kaeya work more closely together than we think? considering the third-party observer that rescued diluc is said to be from the north when that supposedly happened in snezhenaya, does this mean this north they speak of is beyond the land of the tsaritsa?

note: i wanted to make some type of connection to the book "anecdota septentrionalis" or anecdotes of the north, as the book not only talks about snezhenaya but also tells a very fantastical and non-sensical story that includes other nations but i understood very much zero about it other than the fact that north from where the major plot takes place there's a tall wall in the middle of the sea stretching into the sky with countless densely packed human figures suspended "and though they had neither bodies nor muscles, their forms could clearly be seen". whatever that means, so i can't really make any inference to what it beyond snezhenaya.

note 2: forgot to mention but owls besides being birds associated with wisdom, in sumerian, akkadian, and babylonian culture, are also associated with lilith. she was theorized to be the first wife of adam and is cited as having been "banished" from the garden of eden. it's just a fun fact if we think of seelies, divine envoys who are symbols of wisdom and guidance, that got punished by the heavens after their ancestor married a traveler from afar.

[notsogoodangel]

Finally done: Children of Dead AU AKA an SBI Royal/Antarctic Empire AU which actually includes both Fundy and Kristin. More info under the cut

also ignore typos in the drawing, I did the text at like 2 am

The Antarctic Empire seemed to pop out of nowhere, and just as fast as it appear, it became among the most prosperous and wealthiest (and most dangerous) kingdoms in the world. The world was in shock figuring out how an adventurer, who first came into view from a pathetic death, became the ruler of such a prosperous empire. Although once meeting the royal family, one begins to understand. Emperor Philza, also known as the Angel of Death, a man later became known for his wisdom and bravery. He will always raising to the occasion, of course, if he believe in it, and destroy anything that stands in his path. The empress is Death herself, always kind to everyone who doesn’t run from her and her touch and to be feared if you ever go against her. They formed a family that almost seems too perfect for running the place the call home. The oldest son is almost perfect soldier, seemingly never loosing a battle and always knowing how to plan to their next expansion of their territory. The crown prince has a way with words that makes everyone listen, always trying to get the upper hand and his pride always seeking what’s the most optimal outcome during a meeting. The youngest of the emperor and empress children is a loud young man that is never afraid to speak his mind, fight for any occasion to protect the empire and his family, trying to improve any injustice that may ever plague the kingdom. The crown prince’s son is focused on making the empire structurally stable, always focusing on the infrastructure and improving the technology.

Secondary characters

Ranboo: 

He was taken in by Phil when he was 15, but he really seems to be adopted by Techno than by him.

Not an official prince, but under the protection of the royal family.

Still half enderman and half something else.

He is the same age as Tommy, and they get along well-enough.

Tubbo: 

He is not adopted by the royal family, but might as well be.

Even though he is a citizen of Manberg, he spends most of his time in the empire, specially hanging out with Tommy, Ranboo, and Purpled.

Son of Captain Sparklez, his uncle is Schlatt and Puffy, and Dream is his cousin.

Half goat and half sheep (that’s the couple horn).

Purpled:

An ex-child soldier, rescued and taken in by Ponk and Punz (his biological-older brother).

He was REALLY good at his job, and still continues the mercenary work, but he actually makes money out of it.

He is an alien hybrid, which is among the rarest hybrids, and has very little drawbacks.

He hangs out in the castle because he can and nobody can stop him.

Sam: 

A prince with so many brothers that is near impossible for him to become a king, so he moved to the empire and helps in the building of it with the help of Foolish.

A raccoon-creeper hybrid, and connected to Tommy very fast because of it.

He is in a relationship with Ponk, and lives with him, Purpled and Punz.

He can explode, and tries his best to control his angel... and he is scared of cats, which works out because Ponk is allergic to them.

Schlatt

Phil’s old adventure buddy (look, I love their Hexxit series, fight me)

President of Manberg, although not for long because he dies near the end of his first term. After that he haunts, Quackity, Tubbo and Phil, although mostly Quackity. 

He has the Revive Book, because his family is cursed and all males died young and he is looking for a way to stop it or extended the dying.

He is Sparklez’s and Puffy’s cousin, although he did help raise Tubbo since they travel a lot.

5up: 

Fundy’s childhood friend (and later boyfriend)

He is a nature spirit, specifically a radish. All nature spirits are connected to a plant, and this helps him to stay connect to this realm because again, he is a spirit. 

He tries to spend as much time in the empire with Fundy but the weather is hard on him, and staying in another realm can be hard.

Minor characters

Sally: A fish-hybrid that comes to the empire when the water is not frozen solid, and despite that, she is married to Wilbur and gave birth to Fundy, making her the princess of the empire.

Squid kid: A squid-hybrids that comes to the empire year-round and helps Techno keep his crops when he knows he is going away for a battle for an extended period of time. Techno only does this because he hates machines, and prefers manual labor. 

Ponk: A dreamon-hybrid (hides it) mercenary and doctor who keeps an eye in Punz and specially Purpled. Usually the middle man between any hits someone may request.

Punz: A alien-hybrid (recessive) mercenary and ex-child soldier. While he lives under Ponk and Sam’s roof, he doesn’t really listen to them as he is only there because he cares about Purpled... also he doesn’t listen to anyone unless you pay him.

Extra info: 

Tubbo, Dream, Puffy, Sparklez and Schlatt are all biologically connected. The “C” on Tubbo and Schlatt’s name stand for Captain, which is the family name. Don’t ask why is in the beginning of their names, they don’t know either. Their curse consist in that all males in the family will die young, usually tragically (Sparklez drowns in one of his travels and Schlatt dies alone from a heart attack). While the females will start to forget things if they are not consistent, for example, they will remember how to garden if they are a farmer, but they will forget they have a child if they live alone for an extended period of time.

Dream is the rules of the Greater SMP, although he hates the idea of being the face of the country since he hates people being up in his personal business, doesn’t like attention, he has personal beef with Techno and Tommy and that is not good for public relations when you hate two of the princes of one of the most powerful empires in the world; and his uncle runs a country that is not connected to his at all (aside from being to war in the past, but Schlatt wasn’t president then). So he still rules, but put Eret as a figure head as he has good personal relations with Wilbur and they actually like the attention.

There’s a small secret revolution against Wilbur going on the Antarctic Empire run by Blop and Oreli and many other of the people Wilbur used as experiment and torture during his “rebellious” phase. They mostly just want to torture and no-canonically kill him.

Hannah and George are also nature spirits. George is a mushroom spirit and Hannah is a rose one. George lives in Kinoko Kingdom with Karl (not a hybrid, but just a straight up an interdimensional being) and Sapnap, a fire-demon hybrid, and they are visited by Dream, who’s a sheep-dreamon hybrid, Quackity (a duck hybrid) and BBH (straight up demon and Sapnap’s dad). Hannah, on the other hand, lives on the Empire in a green rose, and works as a mercenary with Purpled. They sometimes work together, but most of the time they just train together.

Quackity is the vice-president during Schlatt presidency, and takes the mantle of presidency when he dies. He wants to run, but he after entering in a relationship with Karl and Sapnap he stops and moves to Kinoko. 

[duchessanon]

Oprah live blog that isn’t live

By popular demand (2 people), here’s my articulate and nuanced views on the interview of the decade.

Meg looking ready for business with that Diana eye liner

Were u silent 👌 or were u silenced 🤏 will become iconic

I want names, who r these people in the institution-firm-palace. Tell me!

K8 made eugbea cry and now she made meg cry - Bitch K8 is CONFIRMED.

Rly tho what made her cry?!?!

I need bonus clips on the high staff turnover. Expose the nanny for drinking the breast milk

Thinking about Omid and Misha noo noo right now

She knew eugbea?! Was she the matchmaker?! (I don’t want it to be Misha)

Meg has watched the princess diaries too many times

Meg asking Henri why she has to curtesy in private and him answering “she’s the queen”. I bet she’s glad she asked, rly informative

The image of fergie running out and teaching her is so vivid in my mind

Which “female family member” told her to stay inside. I vote Bitch K8. She was probably flashing meg her nethers too (if u kno, u kno)

What shitty person told her she couldn’t get help for her suicidal thoughts. Expose them meg!

I love O

I hate Henris whole outfit

Henri looks rly uncomfortable and red

“My family cut me off financially, at least I had Diana’s inheritance” read the room Henri

He’s not being as whiney as usual, probably respects O

If I hear “history repeating itself” one more time, istg

Which asshole said that about archies skin. Chuck?

I don’t understand this shit about baby titles and security so whatever. Bored of that.

“There’s a difference between rude and racist”. Bamilla Gominey doesn’t get it

The day I never hear abou my tommy Markle again will be a good one

I have a headache

Henri just sitting there while meg talks about how unprepared she was. U better look embarrassed

He was ashamed to tell his family about Meg needing help - other people talked better about this

So chuck stopped taking his calls. I would too. My Henri patience is thin sry.

Chuck wants letters instead lmao, snail mail king

Ok we get it u luv the queen! Ur in touch with the queen! No beef with the queen! Not disrespectful to the queen! Jesus laying it on thick.

Happy ending is good, they’re not alone like Diana looking sad

Henri making out like he wants the monarchy to end

Done for now xo

[thephantomofthenight]

1) like I said before it HAD BEEN SIX ENTIRE MONTHS before Viserys said anything to Alicent about not telling Rhaenyra. If Rhaenyra is a liar then so is Alicent for knowing the kings intentions and still blindsiding her. However, in the show at least, Alicent is a victim. Unlike her evil ass book counterpart who was beefing with a eight year old.

2) “You fucked Daemon in a pleasure house.” - Alicent.

Rhaenyra did in fact not fuck Daemon in a pleasure house. They kissed and it went on like she said he abandoned her. Otto had every right to be fired. He was spying on the heir to the throne and also whored out his 14 year old daughter to the King. And as for fired behind her back? All Rhaenyra said was that Otto was a self interested man and Viserys listened cause he realized the Hand was in fact self interested when sending his 14 year old to “comfort” the king.

3) Criston and Rhaenyra situation if swapped would look the exact same to me. If Rhaenyra was a woman in her thirty’s that knew a teenage Criston since she was fourteen it would be very fucking weird. You keep calling daemon a groomer but what is Criston? Alicent was even concerned about their relationship in the book and that’s saying something cause her ass hated Rhaenyra.

Yes this adult man looks like he is having a terrible time with the teenage girl. As for Viserys he never found out because Rhaenyra said she wouldn’t say anything and she didn’t. She could have got him killed but she didn’t. She let him stay a Kingsgusrd even though it was clear he bullied her children. As for his entire “suicide” he was going to kill himself because he A) got rejected and B) just MURDERED SOMEONE AT A WEDDING. Then Alicent swooped in and somehow managed to cover for his angry ass for him to later murder another noble years later.

4) So Rhaenys had dark hair because of her Baratheon blood. We never get a description of Aemma but she was half Arryn half Targaryen. Therefore Rhaenyra herself also has Arryn blood which logically speaking could be passed down to her children. We never get a description for Harwin in the books and don’t even know what the man looks like. However show universe what did you want Rhaenyra to do? She needed heirs and so she had them. They are Targaryens just as much as Alicent’s children are and Laenor claims them as his own so legally speaking they are not Strongs they are Velaryons and died remembered as Velaryons.

5) And who started those whispers and gossip? It was Alicent and her entire faction because she was bitter about being lied to over a decade ago. Besides that point if Rhaenyra called to see Alicent’s child straight out of childbirth you all would have been screaming, crying, throwing up, and called Rhaenyra the most entitled person in the world.

6) What do you mean? They had people that Otto killed. Literally strung them up for people to see. Also when Rhaenyra takes kings Landing back the Gold Cloaks open the door for her. She had people on her side. It was the fact that they quite literally his the kings death and locked up servants/Rhaenys so no one could say anything until after Aegon was crowned. They said Rhaenyra had a temper tantrum after. She was having a full blown miscarriage after finding out her father was dead and she couldn’t even bury him. Also Rhaenyra said she would be coming back. She told Alicent she was. Then Viserys went a croaked.

7) Once again she’s a fucking princess. Alicent is spoiled. Aegon is spoiled. Aemond is spoiled. Helaena is spoiled. They are all fucking spoiled. They are royalty. It would be surprising if they didn’t act spoiled. Aegon is exactly the same using his mommy to clean up his messes which is the servants he rapes time and time again that Alicent covers up.

As usual is kinda hard not to bring up Aegon when calling Rhaenyra a entitled brat when her half siblings are just as entitled and even worse than she is. Alicent wants dignity and sacrifice to prevail?

Tell that to the constant victims she covers up for her son. She screams and cries that Rhaenyra had bastards but honestly I would prefer my bastard sons over a man that rapes my own daughter and servants. Then after everything she still crowns him. Knowing the abuse he does as a prince. Imagine what the fuck he is going to do as king.

If you’re team green you support Aegon. You can claim it’s all about Alicent all you want but when it comes down to it who did she put on the throne? Her rapist, drunkin, usurper, cunt of a son.

Anti-Rhaenyra

So, this is just what I would like to say to Rhaenyra supporters.

Rhaenyra isn't told by her father that he is secretly seeing her best friend and plans to marry her. When Rhaenyra found out that her father was going to marry her best friend Alicent, she insults her. She lies to her best friend about something she knows Alicent cares about. She sleeps with her uncle Daemon, who has by the way just killed her wife. She sleeps with Cristin Cole, a kingsgaurd who by the way has sworn:

I swear to ward the Queen with all my strength and give my blood for hers. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children.

This makes him feel like a sinner and he attempts suicide (I won't justify his actions since he should of course be held accountable for his actions as well). Then proceeds to sleep with Harwin strong and have kids with him. And expects to have them crowned after her death? She goes off to Dragonstone while her father is sick instead of taking care of him. Leaves Kings landing to her stepmother and half-siblings. Knowing very well that her oldest half-sibling Aegon ii is a boy with a legitimate heir and men are seen better fit for ruling. Because she wants everyone else to take care of her problems and then just enter kings landing and be crowned queen. Then when she finds out that her stepmother has crowned her half-brother after 24 hours which just shows how disconnected she is from kings landing, has a dramatic mental breakdown. 🙄

Summary: Rhaenyra is a spoiled brat and a daddy's girl and can't handle her problems.

[jellyroom]

The boys as Disney songs~

I listerwlly spent all day listening to Disney just so I could pick the perfect ones.

Lucifer

Don’t fall in love- beauty and the beast, the enchanted Christmas

“As soon as your heart rules your head

Your life is not your own

It's hell when someone's always there

It's bliss to be alone”

The reason I picked this song is becasue I feel like it would be him talking to him self. He tends to hold himself back to protect himself he also does it because of his pride.

Mammon

One jump ahead- Aladdin

“Riff raff! Street rat!

Scoundrel! Take that!

Try a different tac', guys

Rip him open 'Round the back lines

I can take a hint, gotta face the facts

Could really use a friend or two (huh?)”

Well other than in this song Aladdin mentions stealing, it also mentions how people basically hate him. Mammon gets called many names and often gets chased because he steals things. Though just like Aladdin he can out run them easily.

Asmo

Perfect isnt easy - Oliver and company

“Girl, we've got work to do

Pass me the paint and glue

Perfect isn't easy but it's me

When one knows the world is watching

One does what one must

Some minor adjustments darling

Not for my vanity but for humanity

Each little step a pose”

Asmo very clearly loves himself a lot and takes care of himself. So I figured this song could fit him. Obviously that’s not all he is but it is a major part of his character.

Satan

Something there - beauty and the beast

“She glanced this way, I thought I saw

And when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw

No, it can't be, I'll just ignore

But then she's never looked at me that way before”

Satan give me Prince Adams vibes a lot of the time. I feel like he was a little shocked that Mc wasn’t really scared of him.

Leviathan

In a world of my own- Alice in wonderland

“All the flowers

Would have very extra special powers

They would sit and talk to me for hours

When I'm lonely in a world of my own”

I feel like Leviathan would love to have his own little world exactly how he would want it.

Beelzebub

Do you want to build a snowman - frozen

“Elsa, please I know you're in there

People are asking where you've been

They say, "have courage" and I'm trying to

I'm right out here for you

Just let me in

We only have each other

It's just you and me

What are we gonna do?”

I feel like this would be Beel talking to Belphie after Lilith died. Beel is definitely the nicest of the two and is more out there than Belphie, but they are always together.

Belphigor

Be prepared - lion king

“Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected

To take certain duties on board

The future is littered with prizes

And though I'm the main addressee

The point that I must emphasize is

You won't get a sniff without me!

So prepare for the coup of the century

Be prepared for the murkiest scam”

I feel like Belphie is always making you plans to get what he wants and to get things done, even if he himself doesn’t have to do anything.

Diavolo

Jacks lament - nightmare before Christmas

“But who here would ever understand

That the Pumpkin King with the skeleton grin

Would tire of his crown, if they only understood

He'd give it all up if he only could

Oh, there's an empty place in my bones

That calls out for something unknown

The fame and praise come year after year

Does nothing for these empty tears”

I feel like Diavolo hides how he feels most of the time. He acts like a whole man child sometimes and I really think he just wants to be the closest to normal as possible. He knows what’s expected of him but he wants to be treated like a person not just a prince.

Barbatos

Be our guest - beauty and the beast

“Beef ragout

Cheese soufflé

Pie and pudding, en flambé

We'll prepare and serve with flair

A culinary cabaret!

You're alone

And you're scared

But the banquet's all prepared”

Barb is known for cooking so I immediately thought of this song. He’s not as flashy as the song though.

Solomon

I got friends on the other side- princess and the frog

“Transformafication central, can you feel it?

You're changing, you're changing, you're changing alright

I hope you're satisfied, but if you ain't don't blame me

You can blame my friends on the other side”

Let’s me honest we all know this boy is a little shady. I feel that he would use his magic to get back at someone especially if they as him for help but arnt specific.

Simeon

God help the outcast - The hunchback of Notre dame

“God help the outcasts

Hungry from birth

Show them the mercy

They don't find on earth

God help my people

We look to You still

God help the outcasts

Where nobody will”

I feel like the song is self explanatory.

Luke

Tell everybody I’m on my - brother bear

“Tell everybody I'm on my way

New friends and new places to see

With blue skies ahead yes

I'm on my way”

I could just see Luke singing this song with Mc which is really adorbale to me.

[the-phoenix-heart]

10 Favorite Characters

oh no i’ve been noticed @wisteria-lodge​ tagged me so let’s do this!

(this isn’t in a particular order, also I decided to do one character per fandom.

10. Sophie Hatter (from the Howl’s Movie Castle film, not the book. idk why but I just never got into her like I did her film counterpart)

Oh Sophie my love, crippled by anxiety and insecurity only to be freed of them and show just how spunky and cunning and full of life you are. Honestly my favorite scene in the movie is just when she’s cleaning the whole house because she has so much character and she just makes me feel great. Honestly this whole movie gives me those warm, fuzzy feelings. 

(Sidenote, recently rewatched it and damn there are so many details you can miss. Like, Sophie is already starting to throw off the curse and get younger by the time she’s at Howl’s door!)

((Sidenote sidenote, after watching Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, and Princess Mononoke all in the span of two days I realized in Ghibli movies they tend to have side characters state outright that the main leads are in love with each other which? Idk if it actually is a trend but it’s something I just picked up on)

9. Percy Jackson (Percy Jackson Series & Heroes of Olympus...I never could get into Trials of Apollo)

My. First. Love. For a fandom, for a book series that was slightly more adult, for a character. Percy is so badass and also so so loyal and amazing and I love him. I’m hardpressed to actually talk about him because just thinking about him makes me a little incoherent since I’ve loved him for so long.

8. Marinette Dupain-Cheng (Miraculous Ladybug)

For all my beef with Miraculous right now I still love my beautiful daughter. She’s so intelligent and good and badass. Oh my god some of her plans are so smart you wonder why she’s stuck with everyone around her. I’d die for Marinette even if she’d die for me. She’s my girl and I’d follow her to the ends of the earth. I have so many fics for her planned that I will never write. Also I freaking relate to every anxiety attack she ever has and she needs to be appreciated more and treated better. Not by the fandom, by the creators.

7. Lucifer (Lucifer)

A CHARACTER! THAT GOES TO THERAPY! Not just that lol. He’s just so charismatic and nice for all his devilish (literally) qualities. And also I know this shouldn’t factor in but SWEET JESUS TOM ELLIS IS HOT! His face, his body, his hair, his voice, his ass. Also I love every moment he sings and plays the piano. And HE NEEDS TO COME BACK RIGHT NOW! I DON’T CARE THAT DEMONS ARE STUPID AND NEED A KING HE NEEDS TO COME BACK! CHLOE FINALLY SAID SHE LOVES YOU!

6. Crowley (Good Omens)

The facts are I love me my sinnamon rolls. I love Crowley because he’s just so damn badass. He’s so smart and resourceful and I LOVE HIS PLANTS! Also I support all the headcanons about all the people over the centuries he inspired. ALSO ALSO I FUCKING RELATE! My best friend/crush rebuffs me and says we aren’t friends and my immediate reaction is to sleep until he needs me to save his dumbass. And he’s David Tennant how can you not love anyone David Tennant.

5. Kenny McCormick (South Park)

I don’t care that I put South Park here it’s my list and I can do what I want! Kenny is frankly just so dynamic and good. Like, Mysterion saving his sister from bullies or getting a job so he buy a doll for her??? And the fact he actually hates dying and the creators actually acknowledge it several times??? Even though it was just supposed to be a funny joke??? And holy crap he’s just a good, pervy, boy.

4. Hermione Granger (The Harry Potter BOOKS not the movies)

I almost didn’t put Hermione because recently I’ve been having very mixed and complicated thoughts on the franchise as a whole but it doesn’t change the fact that Hermione is sharp and ruthless and brilliant. Hermione could kick my ass and I would not thank her but I would tell her she has a mean right hook and that she was very badass. Part of the reason I like her I think is because I literally am Hermione. 

(Sidenote don’t you miss when they had Hermione’s hair actually curly and frizzy back in the movies)

((Sidenote Sidenote, in case you’re wondering I was going to put Jareth from The Labyrinth originally))

3. Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean-except for Dead Men Tell No Tales that wasn’t Jack Sparrow that was the writers deciding to write Jack Sparrow as nothing but drunk and washed up because they had no idea how to make the new characters shine without dulling Jack Sparrow even though they did it just fine in the first three-)

As this list falls down (reference to Labyrinth ;)) I find myself more hard pressed to find favorite characters. I’m not so good at this as I thought. I either overthink them or just can’t decide. And Jack might be here only because I recently watched all the movies for the first time finally but whatever-I love him. He’s smart, cunning, a badass, and he just gives me feelings whenever he looks out to the sea or at Elizabeth or Will. AND ALSO ALSO he gives me feelings when in Stranger Tides even if I don’t like that movie because he shows he has a heart when he saves the crew and won’t let them die. But also fuck everything with him and Angelica, I didn’t believe for one second there were and had been stirrings between them ESPECIALLY when it all leads up to him leaving her on the island and never seeing her again! 

I had...A lot of feelings with those last two movies.

2. Catra (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power)

OKAY I SAY I HAD TROUBLE BUT REALLY THESE LAST TWO I KNEW IMMEDIATELY I WOULD PUT THEM DOWN. I just wanted to put them as 2nd 1st. Catra is a character who makes cry every time she’s on screen. She never fails to send me spiraling and I love her because she’s so complex and amazing. Catra trying so hard to be bad when really she is a better person than she gives herself credit for moves me and hurts me. I love her

1. Bakugou Katsuki (Boku No Hero Academia)

Anyone who knows me knows he would top this list. My favorite boy. Who ALSO sends me spiraling without fail. My thing for characters who make me spiral might be an indication of my self destructive tendencies. But I love him, he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me go doki-doki. He’s such a badass and so smart and legit he’s so hot. I have so many fucking headcanons about him and so many fic ideas which I will never post-I just can’t get over him.

(Sidenote there are legit so many good Bakugou gifs...Like I can’t get over how pretty he is!!) 

I’m tagging... @queenofthefaces​ @fiddler-unroofed​ @bipolarchick18​ @apollosukulele​ @bestprincesslys​ aaaaand anyone else who sees this!!!

[humaudrey]

TheThings is back on their bullshit

(WARNING: LONG RANT AHEAD!!!!)

Anyone know how to delete a YouTube video from someone else's channel (or just their entire channel all together) because...

This

Is SO

I don't even have the words!!!!

Once again, your girl watches one of their videos (several times unfortunately to really analyze this ish) so y'all don't have to and let me tell you, this one is 1,000,000x more infuriating than the one when they belittled Uma to lift Mal and make her better in comparison (link to my post on that here).

I've been recommended this video so many times since the trailers for D3 dropped and when I saw the title, I KNEW I was gonna hate it and low and behold, I DID!

So let's go over their "5 Signs on why Audrey is the real threat", shall we?

#1. Audrey's Outburst

So, their first piece of evidence as to why Audrey's the unfathomable dark force (their exact words) is because of the fact that Audrey yelled no as Ben proposed to Mal, "ruining their beautiful moment". They then explain that it would be "natural for Audrey to be jealous since she is Ben's ex-girlfriend", being perfect okay with the ugly "black, bitter, ex-girlfriend" trope that many have loved to stick onto her in their fanfics (I see y'all 👀), and then compares that moment to when Ben asked Mal to be his date for coronation in D1, stating that she didn't react so strongly before, so why now? EXCUSE ME?! Our girl left the Tourney Field crying that her BOYFRIEND had serenaded another girl with a love song, and not a single person ran after her. She had every reason to be upset then, too. Who's to even say why Audrey's saying no? It could be a terrible misdirect on the trailer's part. The theory that Audrey's possessed is swirling around everywhere, maybe it had already begun to take effect, which is why she's "acting so strangely". D3 hasn't even been released and they're already villainizing her. Figures.

They also use the typical argument that Audrey's into titles and she wants what Mal has, and that she didn't want Chad because he was merely a prince.

She doesn't want Chad because CHAD CHARMING IS A MANIPULATIVE TOOL! Ask Evie! Chad only thinks that being king would get Audrey's attention. You wanna talk about jealousy? Titles? If ant character is jealous of anyone's titles, it's Chad freaking Charming, not Audrey.

#2. The Crown

An obvious piece of evidence is the fact that "Audrey" steals the Queen's crown and Maleficent's scepter from the museum. Whatever, right? They assume that Audrey's faking her slumber when the sleeping spell hits, giving her an alibi. They then have the FREAKING AUDACITY to say that AUDREY, a non magical princess, who has been so anti-magic since D1 (with a grandmother who she loves dearly, that's triggered by the mention of said spells and curses), was the cause of the curse. Their evidence? Well, her family's VERY familiar with it, so it makes sense, right?

NO!!!!

Audrey has NO magic whatsoever!!! Did they forget that? The only reason her family is "so familiar" with the sleeping spell is because THEY ARE VICTIMS OF SAID SLEEPING SPELL!!!! And it's not like she could cast it, because, again, AUDREY HAS NO MAGIC!! If anyone is familiar with a sleeping spell, it's Mal. After all, she almost put Evie under just so she could grab her mother's specter from her.

How dare you take an Innocent family's trauma and turn it around to make them the bad guys?

#3. The Scepter

They continue to say that "Audrey" is to blame for the sleeping spell, rather than Celia, Hades, or Uma because "Audrey" has the specter. And immediately, they suggest that maybe Audrey's not working only. You wanna bet who they hinted Audrey was cooperating with?

If you guessed Uma, you'd be correct. All because Uma's seen laughing in her teaser. WHAT?! So, not only do you attempt to take Audrey's entire character and drag it through the mud, you take ANOTHER black girl's name that you've already tried to ruin and tarnish and say they're working together because they're BITTER?

If they're BITTER, it's ONLY BECAUSE YOUR WHITE, PLAIN, BARNEY COLORED DRAGON FAIRY PRIVILEGED PRINCESS PROSPECT FAVE had treated them HORRIBLY.

They end their third sign with the line "We knew Audrey was a mean girl, but we didn't think she'd stoop so low".

The meanest thing Audrey has ever done INTENTIONALLY, was 1.) Tell Evie that she and her family don't have a royal status in Auradon (to which, she is technically correct) and 2.) Tell Mal that she and Ben wouldn't last because she's "the bad girl infatuation".

Jane should be branded the mean girl because she turns on the one girl that helped her with her rise to popularity (which, granted, was for malicious INTENTIONS and caused EVEN MORE self esteem issues by degrading her).

MAL should be branded the mean girl, if anyone! She's:

Dumped rotten shrimp on her former best friend because she laughed at her

Forced a guy to throw a party since his mother was away, knowing that his abusive mother wouldn't be okay with it

Then locked a girl in a closet full of BEAR TRAPS at said party all because she wasn't invited to her birthday party when they were SIX YEARS OLD

Dumped lye on another former best friend's hair because she DIDN'T WANT TO BE COMPARED TO HER

Told another girl that all she had going for her was her personality, so she needed the wand to make herself pretty

ROOFIED HER SOON TO BE BOYFRIEND INTO DATING HER IN THE FIRST PLACE JUST TO GET A FRONT ROW SEAT AT HIS CORONATION SO SHE COULD STEAL THE WAND

AND TAKES SAID WAND FROM THE GIRL SHE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED EARLIER AND POINTS IT DIRECTLY AT AUDREY ALL BECAUSE SHE KNEW THAT MAL WASN'T GOOD FROM THE JUMP

Let's see a video ranking Mal's top five worst moments, huh? There's plenty of those to use for a freaking video.

#4. It's All About Mal (sounds like D3)

They start this point off with: "Audrey has beef with Mal".

AS SHE SHOULD!

They use the fact that Mal stole her boyfriend and her title and their families history with one another, so Audrey has this motivation to ACT OUT AGAINST HER ENTIRE COUNTRY? Not buying it! I won't buy it, especially since both parties seemed to have made amends at the end of D1 when Mal silently curtsies as a lame form of an apology that Audrey gracefully accepts anyway like the future Queen of Auroria would. Audrey's even seen bowing willingly at the end of Set It Off, and is even cheering and dancing with her friends as Mal and Ben share their moment under the fireworks, so clearly, Audrey's not broken up about it in the slightest.

They propose a theory that Audrey's absence in D2 is because she's planning her revenge in Sherwood Forest, and that she doesn't have car troubles because "Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather should be more than capable of handling it, so she's only calling Chad to help her plot her scheme.

Whatever they're smoking, I want it.

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather can't help Audrey with her car troubles because of the MAGIC BAN!! They needed Chad to help with her car.

And I HIGHLY DOUBT that Disney would plan something so carefully since the entire series is branded with plot holes and inconsistencies anyway, so... 🐸☕

#5. Face Off Time

Their final point states that Mal has to face off against the enemy and they use the first teaser of dragon-Mal blowing fire at "Audrey" on top of the castle, and the card at the end that says "betrayal", that Audrey has betrayed all of Auradon. And since Mal only turns into a dragon against SERIOUS ENEMIES LIKE UMA IN D2, Audrey has to be a REAL THREAT.

Thank God they're probably not making a D4, because if they continue this trend of WOC wronged by Mal as the villain, I'd be scared for Evie...

So, in their words, Audrey and Uma, two of the few black girls in the entire franchise who have every God given right not to like/trust Mal, are Mal's MOST SERIOUS rivals, as if Hades doesn't at ALL pose a threat to Auradon. No, Audrey is So mUcH MOre THreATEninG thAN ThE GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD, SO SHE MUST BE STOPPED!!!

I see you, TheThings, and if I didn't despise your channel before, I hate it that much more now after enduring 5 minutes of hell with you guys.

AND, TO TOP IT ALL OFF THEY CLEARLY SHOW THEIR BIAS OF MAL OVER AUDREY!!

Like, just say you're racist and GO! Audrey's clearly influenced by some magical being, whether it be Hades (WHO WE SEE DOING SOME KIND OF MAGICAL RITUAL WITH HER AND HIS EMBER IN A TRAILER, BUT I GUESS THEY CHOSE TO IGNORE IT FOR SOME REASON 🐸☕), Dr. Facilier, Celia, or maybe even Maleficent. Your reasons for making Audrey the villain are pathetic, and I wish I could block a YouTube Channel so I would NEVER see another video from your channel ever again.

I'm so sick of how "mean" brown girls are treated in media AND fandoms. Why does Audrey get all of his libel while Mal gets away with EVERYTHING? Why are the Cheryl Blossoms, the Quinn Fabrays, the Kitty Wildes, and every other mean girl that Emma Roberts has ever played are so praised and are instant fan favorites while the Josie McCoys, the Santana Lopezes, and the Brees are seen as the bullies when, at the end of the day, they're both different sides of the same damn coin?

And if you don't see a problem with this, then, newsflash, you are the problem!

So, I end my rant with this:

And a short tag list containing: @amityravenclawelf and @coco-rena because I know these two are looking forward to this!

Have a wonderful day everyone!

And I apologize for the typos but I was HEATED!!

[hitchell-mope]

(Film three. In Auradon. Bal’s apartments in the castle. After “best day of my life”. Mal’s in a pair of Ben’s boxer shorts and a doctor who T-shirt. Standing there)

Ben (looping his arms around her waist): hey

Mal: hey. How are you?

Ben: good. Good. And you

Mal: oh so much better now (she turns around) and is this all for me?

Ben: mmmmmmaybe?

Mal: well I greatly appreciate it whoa

(She’s turned around to get a better look at him. He’s, just like her. In boxers. Longish purple hair. And literally nothing else)

Mal: oooh I’m feeling very matchy matchy and very much mismatched

Ben: well there are two ways of remedying that. I could put a top on. OR. I could lock the door and soundproof the room and

Mal: lock the door I’ll soundproof

Ben (very happy): okay

Mal: oh my god!

(Under Ben’s shoulder blades are two jagged cuts from which are growing beating miniature mounds of flesh in a dark blue colour)

Ben: what’s wrong?

Mal: your back!

Ben: what! What is it. What’s wrong?

Mal: I. I. II don’t. Know. It looks like somethings growing out of your back

Doug (walking in briskly with Evie right begins): it’s probably dragon wings. The ember sped up the process I think

Mal: and how do you know that?

Doug: Hierachy And History: all levels of magic and their effects and uses. First edition illustrated.

Bal: can I?

Doug: yes you can borrow it. Hell. Keep it. I’ve got plenty

Mal: how do you know all this?

Doug: I uh bought literally every book about magic when you brought it back. Physical copies and on kindle

Mal: ohhhh. For a minute I thought you were mansplaining to us.

Evie: he’s not chad. He actually knows things. And why the hell aren’t you dressed?

Mal: well sis. We almost died a couple of hours ago so Ben and I were about to engage in a bit of glad to be alive

Evie: eww shut up

Mal: oh like you and Doug haven’t

Evie: that’s besides the point.

Mal: why are you here?

Evie: why do you think. Ben put a top on or something

Bal: no

Ben: I’m comfortable

Mal: I’m relaxed when he’s like this

(Evie sighs and looks defeated)

Doug: so what’s the plan

Mal: yeah about that. I’ve been thinking and I think I’ve connected the dots

Doug: oh?

Mal: yeah and it’s got to do with you and I sis

Evie (horrified): no

Mal: yah

Evie: no

Mal: yeah

Evie: nonono

Mal: yesyesyes

Evie: NO!

Mal: yes! Face it E we might be related

The boys: what?

Mal: think about it. Our mothers are the most self centred vainglorious batshit crazy bitches that side of the river Tiber. They would want the most powerful. Chernabog is a recluse and an altruist. The headless horseman has no mouth so can’t sing their praises. So all that’s left is the god of the dead

Evie: but I’m beautiful

Mal: and what am I. Corned beef?

Ben: I’d still marry you if you were corned beef if that helps

Mal: it does help surprisingly

Evie: but didn’t Maleficent say your dad was human?

Mal: villains lie E. That’s why I was always a disappointment

(Ben hugs her)

Adam (sauntering in like he owns the place): well isn’t that sweet.

Evie: what the hell are you doing here?

Adam: I’ve come to discuss the appalling situation that you let happen.

Mal: I’m sorry?

Adam: so you should be. Ben I have a plan. Put them all back and close it permanently

Doug: what

Adam: go back to the mine. It’s where you belong dwarf

Ben: ok you get out.

Adam: what?

Ben: you heard me. You’re not king. And you have no control over me my actions or my friends. So please. Get out

Adam: fine. But you should at least hear what happening since you had to have him save you

Doug: my names Doug but go on.

Adam: the people are in a panic. They’re terrified. If hades can escape others will try to. If you ask me

Bal and Devie: we didn’t

Adam: if you ask me I personally think it’s high time you do away with this ridiculous endeavour once and for all

Ben: no.

Adam: I wasn’t talking to you boy. I was talking to the future queen. Your people are scared. And even the poor are scared they lash out. Either way you’ll end up back where you cane from. You Carlos and the rest of the technicolour freaks that are destroying the property values that I painstakingly created. You are a “vk” are you not?

Mal: I’m not uh I uhm I don’t consider myself a vk anymore

Adam: then who? That is who you are right. Cradle to grave and all that rhetoric. Face it Mal. You are not an Auradon girl.

Elsa: oh you are so right beast. My daughter is not an Auradon girl. She’s the soon to be the queen of Auradon and isle AND she’s the princess of Arendelle. So that’s three titles to your zero. Meaning you’d do well to shut up

Adan: to what do I owe this...thing

Elsa: my daughter was hurt. So I’m checking on her. Like you should be doing for Ben. Or has belle finally ridding herself if you rendered you void of the most basic compassion for your son as well as everything else?

Adam: as I was saying. If my reasonable suggestion goes unheeded the people will rise up and there’s (a phone blasts out “backstreets back”) OH WHAT NOW!

Ben: it’s my cell phone. Doug would you be a dear and grav it for me

Doug: sure. But only if you put a top on?

Ben: I’ll think about it

(Doug snickers and answers the phone)

Doug: king Ben’s personal cell phone the major-domo speaking. Yes. Yes. Oh shit. Thank you for informing us (he hangs up) the wand, the spindle, Jafar’s staff and the magic mirror have been stolen from the museum

Bal, Elsa and Evie: what?

Mal: when?

Doug: two hours ago. There’s no security footage. The cameras were busted. Ten guards are dead. Two have had the hearts crushed. The rest were cut to pieces by glads shards

Adam: ok then. It’s decided. Round them up. I’ll get the trucks ready. We can have you and them all back by sundown

Elsa: you realise who you’re sounding like right now?

Adam: the only sane man. As it has been for years. Now Mal my dear. Your choice. Anarchy or order. Where’d she go

(Mal’s teleported away)

Evie: you poked the dragon.

Ben: I’ll go after. See if she’s ok

Elsa: no I will. This is a mother’s job

(She teleports after Mal and finds her in the dining room hyperventilating)

Mal: I can’t do it. I I can’t

(Elsa pulls her into a cool down hug)

Elsa: shhh shhh now. Don’t listen to him.

Mal: but he’s right. I’m going to be the queen. I should be thinking about these things. And ten people are dead. And some nutbag has some of the most powerful magical relics in existence

Elsa: but you still have the book and the sceptre. And the book. And if your hunch is correct. You’re half god. So

Mal: so, what?

Elsa: so...beast cannot lay a hand on you or Ben or anyone you care about. Not without your say so.

Mal: so what you’re saying is I hold all the cards

Elsa: essentially yes

Mal (weak laugh): why doesn’t that make me feel better

Elsa: because your upbringing had left you scarred and unable to make decisions that could impact people you care about

Mal: ... harsh but true

Elsa: listen

(This is when “brave” happens)

Mal: I can be brave. I can tell Adam where to stick it.

Elsa: I’ll supply the barge pole

Mal (cackling): please let me see that when it happens

Elsa: hmmmmm maybe

(Back in bal’s living room)

Evie: you’ve hated us all since the moment we arrived. You couldn’t stand the fact Ben chose my sister over the Hunan balloon animal you picked out.

Adam: sometimes the parent really does know best

Evie: said Gothel. Said Madame Mim. Said Jafar, Cruella, my mother, Yzma, Gaston, Maleficent and every single shitty parent we had to deal with over there. You’ve joined their ranks plain and simple

Adam: I am not one of them. You are. Upsetting the well defined status quo on a whim.

Ben: you were a bastard of a father and now you’re a bastard of a human being. The kingdom has me now. And I shan’t make the same mistakes errors and blatant crimes against humanity that you did

Adam: then you’ll be a disappointment as king.

Evie: oh for once in your life shut up and let others speak

Adam: PRETTY THINGS SHOULD SIT STILL AND REMAIN SILENT!

Evie: oh there’s my mother again. Doug honey did you know that she said that exact same thing to me when I stared talking?

Doug: oh my god I’m so sorry.

Evie: eh don’t be. I’m over it. Well mostly. But the fact that this idiot is saying it says plenty about his perceived moral superiority

Adam: if you can’t listen to reason I can always force you.

Evie: once again. My mother. Maleficent. Gaston. Jafar. Cruella. Mim. Medusa. Yzma. Hearts. Need I go on?

(In Ursula’s grotto Uma’s working on something)

V!Harry: what are you doing. Well. I know what you’re doing. I’m you. I’m just asking for the benefit of those out there

Uma: who?

Harry: nothing. Don’t worry.

Uma: ugh whatever. I’m working on an escape. If she thinks she can stop me she’s sorely mistaken

(This is when “speechless” happens)

(Mal bursts back in to the room)

Mal: alright here’s what’s going to happen. Ben, Evie you guys still wanna continue with the program?

Ben: yes

Evie: absolutely

Mal: then you do that. Because, Adam, we aren’t closing the barrier. You got that?

Adam: I really don’t think

Mal: I don’t care what you think. Nobody here cares what you think. You’re no longer king. Hence superfluous to the narrative. You’re nothing. The chain of command goes Ben, Doug, me, Evie

Evie: uh excuse me?

Doug: sorry hon. She’s right.

Ben: yeah. King, major-domo, queen, chancellor.

Evie: shit

Mal: so you can scream shout moan complain. But we’re not closing off the island. EVER!

Adam: you’ll regret this.

Mal: pretty sure we won’t.

(Adam stalks off)

Mal (immediately deflating): man I need a drink. Amethyst wine anyone?

Evie: do I even wanna know?

Mal: probably not.

Ben: it’s great. Just like the butter bars

(Evie turns green around the gills)

Doug: I’m probably gonna regret this but what’s in it

Mal: white wine. Vodka. A quarter pound of sugar. And it’s all mixed together with juiced violets. Hence the colour

Evie: that sounds disgusting.

Ben: oh it is. But we made it with magic so the potency is through the roof

Doug: meaning?

Ben: meaning it’ll get you blackout

Mal: shitfaced

Bal: blindingly drunk

Evie (forcing back a disgusted look): ahahaha. I’ll pass

Bal: suit yourself

(They commence drinking. In the isle chadeficent is looking on as Ursula goes belly up)

Chadeficent: need some help?

Ursula: my wretch of a daughter blew up my grotto and escaped with that mouth breathing pirate spawn. Of course I need help

(Chadeficent sends eerie magic hands, the exact type that ripped out Ariel’s voice, plucks out Ursula and drops her on the pier)

Ursula: now that that’s all settled. Who the hell are you

Chadeficent (now only using Maleficent’s voice): you tell me sea witch.

Ursula (unsurprised): you’ve literally never looked worse

Chadeficent (in Chad’s voice): hey watch it bitch!

Ursula: excuse me

Chadeficent (still in Chad’s voice): I mean seriously you look like a desaturated smurf.

Ursula (eyes glowing teal): Do you wanna say that again kid?

Chadeficent (in Maleficent’s voice): no he does not

Ursula (smirking): who’s body?

Chadeficent (both voices now): the son of Cinderella

Ursula: oooh a new meal?

Chadeficent: no. A tool (Maleficent’s voice) in more ways then one

Ursula: how’d you get here.

Chadeficent (both voices): the elongated horseless carriage

Ursula: so the limo

Chadeficent: yes.

Ursula (very much unimpressed): mhmm. Why are you back?

Chadeficent: I’m starting a coven. I assume you want in?

Ursula: eh what the hell. Wouldn’t be the first time we teamed up to ruin lives

Chadeficent: remember when we ruined for children’s lives simultaneously?

Ursula (mad): oh you mean that time my daughter was publicly humiliated and gained a dehumanising epithet all because your daughter acted out in anger at something the witches daughter did that left the freckled thing to be tortured by the furrier for a month?

Chadeficent: yes

Ursula (bark laughing): HA. Good times good times. So. What’s the plan

Chadeficent: we are going to break my daughter

Ursula: mind? Body? Soul? Spirit?

Chadeficent: all four

(In Auradon. Adam’s just sat down at the bar of a tavern)

Adam: double scotch on the rocks

Bartender: coming right up sir

Adam: never have kids Moliere

Bartender: my names not Moliere sir

Adam (not even listening): you raise them. You teach them. You impart your wisdom. Your values. And what do they do? Take a giant steaming shit on all you worked on and turn everything completely upside fucking down in the name of goddamn “progress”. Know what I’m saying?

Bartender: ohhhhkay?

(Adam gets off the stool and starts the jukebox. This is when “gold” starts.)

Bartender (very very scared now): sir. Your majesty are you ok?

Adam (pensively): no. No I’m not a majesty. Not anymore. Well. Not yet at least.

(He runs out of the tavern without paying)

Customer: what the hell was that all about?

Bartender: I don’t know. But I have a feeling little benny needs a warning.

[trashkweeen-blog]

Class with the Countess - LuAnn de Lesseps

Oh, sweet LuAnn. Where do I start?

I have a love for the Countess that I truly cannot explain. I’m struggling to think of an instance where I was ever on her side. Literally every cool thing she does is almost immediately undone by an equal or greater uncool thing. 

Fucking a Jack Sparrow look alike on vacation was pretty cool. Trying to cover it up with the worst French i have ever heard come out of a French Canadian Mi’kmaw with parents from New Brunswick and Quebec was pretty uncool. I can’t really decide whether forcibly inviting herself on Bethenny’s Mexico trip that never happened, while wearing a white Armani suit, then leaving Bethenny with the bill was cool or not. I mean, it was objectively uncool, but I’m kinda here for anyone who pulls a power move on Bethenny. 

She called Carole a pedophile, then couldn’t spell it to apologize over text. Like, she just can’t help herself. She’s just self-aware enough to realize the moments in which we root for her, but not quite self-aware enough to carry them through. Like the fact that she literally sends this gif to people over text when they call her out on being the worst.

You give her one inch of approval and she will use it to the worst ends. She’s at her best when she’s raw and vulnerable and decidedly un-countess, but then she’ll invariably use those cool points to do something very countess. She’s like a snake eating her own tail, and I honestly can’t figure out why I love her so much for it. 

The best I can determine is that she’s like the Tony Soprano of the Real Housewives franchise. Not for obvious reasons - because our Lady Guidice wins there - but because she is such a compelling anti-hero that you kind of hate to love. 

Like Tony, she’s trapped in this inescapable delusion that romanticizes a golden age she caught glimpses of during her rise. She can’t keep from referencing royalty and high society she met and idolized in her youth, skiing in Gstaad, and dining with kings. Instead of seeing the absurdity and temporariness of it all, she bought right in. She saw her trash ass husband cycle through a handful of wives before her, but thought she was bulletproof. And now she coasts on the fantasy. 

And there’s hardly a moment that your sympathies don’t lie with whoever LuAnn is mistreating at any given time. You’re watching a character who can’t help but fuck up and hurt people, but who manages to mitigate our condemnation with rare moments of vulnerable confessionals. 

She’s a tragic anti-hero; you can watch her get arrested while threatening to kill cops, but when she shows up in an open robe and makes you laugh, you’re like well, maybe that cop deserved it.

So, i love LuAnn, and Class with the Countess was the book I was looking forward to reviewing the most. It was published right as the second season of #RHONY was airing, so we’re in a pre-Countless era here. We’re at peak Countess, getting advice from a woman who thinks she’s locked it all down, and who has yet to bang a pirate. 

I have no intention of going after low-hanging fruit here, by the way. I’m not going to count the ways that LuAnn doesn’t practice what she preaches. That’s tedious. So here’s what I learned from my “crash course in manners from New York’s favourite countess”.

The first section of the book, The Art of Being Yourself, is all about confidence, adventure, and casually moving to Milan to appear on Italian TV as a Sharon Stone impersonator? I don’t know. The first thing I truly loved about this section was LuAnn’s stated purpose for appearing on #RHONY - to expose her children to how technicians make television happen. I’m sorry, no. No, you didn’t. You absolutely did not agree to #RHONY so your kids could learn lighting and sound production. If Bravo has any footage of Victoria and Noel taking notes behind the scenes, please, I would love to see this. 

As long as I’m calling bullshit (and this is, like, the last time I will), I gotta address how LuAnn insists on referring to herself as American Indian. Carole has already schooled her on the preferred nomenclature (LuAnn’s iconic response below), so I’m not touching that. 

No, my beef is that the bitch is Canadian. Her father was from NEW BRUNSWICK. Sorry, countess, but I’m now claiming you. ONE OF US. ONE OF US. ONE OF US. 

Anyway, here are the highlights of the Canadian Countess’ advice for being your best self:

get a hobby (Jill Zarin!), preferably tennis or cabaret singing

don’t ever brush your hair in public. who was doing this? No, you know what, probably Ramona. 

when wearing Jimmy Choos, take “normal-length strides”. this is very key and very helpful. do not walk in lunges. you will never be elegant if your strides are not of normal length

have healthy gums????????

literally chew your food. I’m 100% serious, this book for real says that while in a “monastic Austrian spa”, LuAnn learned that chewing your food “thoroughly” makes it taste better. She spent the money on monastic chewing lessons so you don’t have to. stop swallowing your food whole, there’s a better way!

dramatize your look with an “eye-catching belt buckle”. i hate this so much.

The majority of this section reads like a Cosmo article that spans 82 pages, and contains about 3 pages of useful information. I’m down to hear your favourite makeup products and your go-to weekend bag staples. Why I also had to read 79 pages of LuAnn teaching me how to walk and eat like a person, as if i’m some sort of cursed beast recluse is beyond me. It is my sincere wish that we send this book to space as a reference guide for visiting aliens. 

The second section - The Art of Making People Comfortable - is my favourite. It somehow covers the gamut of social scenarios from like, eating at your friend’s house, to how you should address a king when in casual conversation for the second time. I now know not to wear gloves in the presence of a king, and that you can call a queen ma’am, which, like, does not sound right. 

Royal greetings aside though, this section is actually pretty legit. 

Which countries air kiss, and how many kisses to give? 

What are you sniffing for when the sommelier brings you a bottle of wine to taste? (cork)

How much should you tip a restroom attendant? ($1)

Which fork is the salad fork?(the leftmost one)

Where do you put your napkin when you get up from the table, but you’re coming back? (the chair)

There are checklists for dinner parties, cocktail parties, and overnight guest hosting. There are go-to dinner party menus. There are gift ideas for hostesses. There are even template diplomatic answers to awkward questions, opening lines for cocktail small talk, and conversation-enders. 

This section is actually super useful and I loved it. I’m not even touching the chapter on children. I’m saving all my capacity to judge parenting advice for Alex McCord’s book. 

The last section, though. Ugh. The Art of Seduction. 

I guess, first of all, I wanna say that LuAnn was a way hotter model than I expected. Whenever she talks about her modelling days, I always picture something like the cover of this book - a Wal-Mart portrait studio, waist-up shot of LuAnn in a statement necklace and a sensible blouse, selling me like, grapefruit spoons, or something. But this section opens with this photo:

and she was actually such a babe! good for you, Countess!

Anyway, this section made me barf into my hands. Here are some of LuAnn’s tips for catching your man:

have the kind of sex appeal that makes strangers on vespas pinch your ass as they drive by. This is not at all a chilling example of sexual harassment, but rather aspirational, and a sign that you’re doing something right. thank you, vespa man for validating my femininity!

find a good man by playing damsel in distress at tech shops. Listen, my boyfriend is a walking tech shop, and i can tell you for 100% certain that (a) he would not recognize a damsel in distress if his life depended on it, (b) his peripheral awareness while comparing gaming keyboards is slim to none, and (c ) he wants to explain RAM to me like my ex wanted to explain football scoring to me, which is zero amount. Do not do this. 

you can also find a good man in upscale men’s stores by discussing ties with them. Please do not walk alone aimlessly in clothing stores, telling men about ties. They will literally just assume you work there. I cannot fathom a scenario in which this is not weird. 

Maintain the romance in your relationship by surprising your husband on his business trip by showing up dressed as a Moroccan princess in disguise????? Maybe when the Count cheated with that Ethiopian princess, he just thought it was LuAnn again?????

Keep your grooming a mystery from your husband. Apply your skin care and makeup in private, and don’t let him see you pluck your eyebrows. How large of a house do you need in order to maintain this level of mystique? What if your husband finds your secret room filled with tweezers and lotion??? 

Don’t try to be emotional with your man, that’s what girlfriends are for!! Men aren’t as emotional as women, so don’t burden them with your hysterics. Do like they did in olden times, and get your hysteria cured by a doctor who gives orgasms. (also, like, that’s bananas, but I do very much wish that basic health insurance still covered getting beat off by a professional for emotional release)

make friends with doormen, including those at buildings you don’t live in, because you never know when they’ll lend you a helping hand. If this isn’t the most ho tip I’ve ever heard. I love it. 

Overall, this book is much like the Countess herself: there are moments of sweet, new money Molly Brown gently helping you use the right fork to keep from embarrassing yourself in front of Billy Zane.

But there are also several moments of your status-hungry mother smothering your kidneys with a girdle, and telling you to speak softly, polish your jewels and get to fucking Billy Zane. 

Quick Stats:

Pages: 258

Did it need to be that many pages: good sweet god, no

Did it change my mind about the housewife? It was better than I expected, but there’s no way to change my mind about LuAnn anyway. I’m a Countess apologist for life. 

Real-ass book rating: 📖📖/5

Junk food book rating: 💎💎💎/5

[otakumagicmusicgamer]

i got some Swan Princess beef

I’m talking 1994 animated musical fantasy  The Swan Princess with the fantastic soundtrack (and apparently 7 more straight-to-video movies that take place after???). but i’ve had one problem with this movie my whole life:

Derek.

Now, i was going to bar the obvious ‘Relying on Derek being a dumbass tool in order to move the plot along’ but then i realized that’s half my issue. Not about using it as a plot device, but how it doesnt make sense.

for those that dont know anything about the plot, Prince Derek and Princess Odette are forced by their (single) parents to hang out every summer for most of their lives in hopes of them falling in love and uniting the two kingdoms and each would have a King and Queen simultaneously once again. and it’s Hate at First Sight. mostly cuz they’re like 7 and stubborn i guess cooties are a concept. and they continue to be stubborn throughout the musical time montage until they get to like mid 20s and Feelings^tm happen. and then Derek is a dumbass tool and ruins it and Odette is disappointed and mildly annoyed and leaves, to which she gets cursed and the general plot of Swan Lake happens. what does he say? Well, the song explains their internal thoughts, again- Feelings^tm, and Derek announces to plan the wedding when Odette stops him and asks what he likes about her, and he says shes beautiful, and she asks what else? and *QUEUE DUMBASS TOOL MOMENT* he gets a bit flustered and deer-in-headlights and cant think of anything so he says “What else is there?” (yes, he gets yelled at shortly later but that’s not the point). To which she leaves. 

Thats where half my problem lies. “What else is there?”

not that it’s typical Boy^tm, but how it’s fucking IMPRACTICAL.

i’m supposed to believe two people spend nearly 20 summers together and learned nothing about each other??? picked up on nothing???? not even accidentally bonding over their disdain for this situation and not being remotely friends out of spite???? That he only started to like her when she hit puberty and became hot and the rest is just wordless feeling????? she’s great at cards, proved she could hold her own, clever, stubborn, matches toe-to-toe with all his pranks, just as aggressive as a child. and he gets mad when she leaves???? BOY SHE KNOCKED DOWN YOUR TREE HOUSE CUZ YOU AND YOUR BFF WOULDNT LET GIRLS IN!!!! WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN???? Odette has just as much nerve and self respect as he does, which is GOOD. And i’m really supposed to believe he’s a dumbass??? He does prove he’s into her for more than looks. he never stops believing she’s alive, just like she never stops believing he’ll find her. stubborn, yes, but they did end up caring about each other. Like, i really cant tell if this is heterosexual bullshit or just a big fucking plot hole. If he’s such a dumbass, why would she fall for him???

Which brings me to the second half of my problem with Derek:

this is the cover of the movie. the blonde is Odette. the brunette is Derek. 

personal opinion?? he aint attractive. not in the absolute slightest. the definition of bland. he even looks like a dumbass tool. and that haircut. OUI. he’s had that haircut his whole life. now, he wasnt that bad when he was younger. hair was a bit shorter so it floofed a lot more. he could get away with the ‘i’m about to say something stupid’ aura, cuz he was a kid. but as an adult? honey no. the end of the first song is both of their feelings coming to a peak because they see the end results of a massive Glow Up (as well as my previous point). Odette’s words are, and i quote, “i see him smiling and my knees start buckling/ i see inside him and my doubts are gone”. and every time i hear that my response is ‘You sure we’re looking at the same man?’. Like, i’m into guys, but really, i dont see the jawdropping revelation she sees when looking at him. And then i gotta look at that man for the remaining hour and fifteen minutes of the film. and she’s pining for him and missing him and she’s in love with him and i’m like ‘Why???’. Dude doesnt have a sour bone in his body and he’s determined and stubborn and skilled, but nothing else about him matches that level even when it’s the whole fucking POINT.

there is just so much potential in him that they just threw away in favor of i’m-not-even-sure. both Odette and Derek deserved so much more respect and writing than this and i’ve been bitter about it for over 10 years.