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ravenwolfie97 · 4 years ago

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2020 Art Summary

Yep, it’s 2021 already. 2020 is finally over. It felt like it lasted forever, and it felt like the end would never come, but here we are. Crazy how the time flew by.

I felt like I didn’t get much art done this year because of Current World Event, but I made a lot more than I thought I did. Even some of my new favorite pieces came out of this year, so I think that’s worth celebrating and looking back upon!

I was insanely productive during the first month of 2020, and looking back I was surprised at all the stuff I did, but then I remembered that that winter season was actually one of the best times of my life! I started being more socially involved, and I think my newfound drive at the time translated into all the art I pumped out this month. This is just a small fraction of what I made in January, but I only have so much space. Quite a few complex pieces in both style exploration and polishing my own style.

Apparently February was a rather intimate month. Things began to slow down in terms of my own art here, with me spending more time in social settings and school work ramping up, I didn’t have as much time to coop up in my room to draw. I did wanna do something for a friend’s Valentine’s Day OC art challenge, so I drew my lovey-dovey couple from Dance of 1000 Words havin’ a dance. Nothing actually came of that challenge, but it was fun to do regardless.

One of the things I was most proud of in the winter season was making more friends, and one of the closest friends I made was completely coincidental. I met a person named Kiri on the bus one night I decided to volunteer somewhere by myself, and we ended up chatting and getting along. They quickly told me their tumblr username, and I shot them a message immediately after they left. A couple days later, we met up for brunch, and we started becoming really close friends and creative partners!

Not much else happened in March cuz that’s when Current World Event started becoming an issue, but Kiri and I still kept in close touch and we randomly started developing a concept for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Galar Edition. These are a handful of characters we thought up, with Skipper the Scorbunny and Dross the Dreepy as the main characters, Morgrem as the main antagonist, and some shopkeepers such as those of the Greedent Bank and the Indeedee General Store. This was also my first time drawing all of these Galar Pokemon (except Scorbunny, but I also made Skipper a bit more unique than a regular Scorbunny).

Lots of events happened this month. First of all, Steven Universe Future ended, one of my favorite and most influential shows was no longer continuing. I had to do something as tribute, both as a send-off to one of the greatest cartoons in the world and as a cathartic release for my feelings towards it.

A while later, I got the opportunity to start playing an MMO in beta called Fer.al, by the same people who made Animal Jam, which coincidentally I had also beta tested for back in the day. I ended up getting really attached to my first character, a Senri I named Sasha, and though I’ve made more characters than them since, they’re still my absolute favorite. Though I haven’t touched the game in a few months, I was really engrossed for a long time and enjoyed playing through the beta and early access phases.

At the end of the month, some friends of mine invited to a roleplay group with some mutuals, and we all played characters in a crime syndicate. Just a bunch of ragtag thieves and criminals who ended up together in order to protect an artifact called the Crown of Thieves, which was essentially a flag to be taken by other groups to prove that they are the best thieves in the land. My character was based heavily on my sona (if it wasn’t obvious) and was also influenced by Cloud Strife, since the FFVII Remake had just come out and I was super into watching the cutscenes at the time. My character’s (code)name is Valkyrie, and they are a mercenary, going between multiple different employers to carry out whatever duties they need to do. They have a more complicated backstory, but presently they were recently hired by recommendation of their friend Shark (played by @shmoots-universe who is also My friend now ily maya) who works with a group called the Court Cards who are currently in possession of the Crown of Thieves. Valk never really had a place to call home, but staying with this group of people had to be the closest they could get to that feeling. They still sleep with a knife under their pillow because of trust issue but that’s okay.

Okay, so technically these examples started in April, but I continued making content with them in May, and the month was just pretty void of art in general, so here I am addressing them.

There were two main things I worked on this month: a Steven Universe AU of my own and the whole #sixfanarts thing that kicked off around then. Let’s start with the fanart bits. I did two and a half of them (six in April and nine in May), and it was so much fun to be able to draw stuff I don’t normally do! My personal favorites are shown here: Blake Belladonna from RWBY, Roll from Megaman, Yuki Konno from Sword Art Online, and Link from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. The other thing I’d been planning for a while was a Steven Universe AU, probably to cope with the show being over but also because I was inspired by a lot of those SU AU artists I started following at the time. I won’t share the details here because it’s gonna have its own blog at some point, but the example I’ve shown here is of a comic I made loosely in order to introduce a divergence in the plot of the story as well as introduce a character unique to my AU. It was a lot of fun figuring out how to draw the characters and get a feel for the style.

As the year progressed, my amount of art I made per month began to dwindle, this time mostly because school was kicking my ass especially hard with finals. However, I took what time I had to get some backburner pieces finished, like the Tigerlily picture which I sketched out a couple months back, and the Gunvolt picture which I started working on SIX YEARS AGO. I don’t quite know why I got the urge to work on it again after so long, but it was nice to finally realize. The other drawing for DOTS was done in the dead of night but I was really happy with how it came out.

Despite only having two summer classes left of school, this month was really rough because they demanded a lot of my time and attention. I did not have the gumption to do anything digital, so I stuck to my sketchbook to get out what I felt like getting out.

My friends and I did a stream of the game Helltaker, and I really enjoyed the concept, so in following my friends I made my own Helltaker demon OC named Raksha the Ravenous Demon (it’s a pun but also got mythical insp). I also got super into Hazbin Hotel at this point, mostly because the Addict music video dropped and I couldn’t get enough of it, so I doodled Angel Dust cuz I felt like it. The other drawing I did was actually a free commission I gave a friend of mine as a prize for a trivia game show I ran back in June. He along with a couple other friends got some free drawings from me for getting the top three scores, and this one in particular was fun because of how interesting it was. He wanted me to draw a video game reviewer called the Irate Gamer from a specific moment, and I decided to go ham and just make it as dramatic as possible.

University classes finally wrapped up and right after that I was in the process of moving out of my apartment and getting adjusted to living with my parents again. I did a couple of agg.io drawing sessions with my friends from the Court Cards group as well as a new Dungeons and Dragons homebrew group I had joined. I drew some more of Valkyrie and came up with a design for my DND character Qakuqtuq (or Kai for short). He is monkey grandpa and I love him.

My main focus was on finishing a polished piece for my friend Cake, whose birthday was in the upcoming month. I wanted it to be as amazing as possible, so I put a lot of time into getting more detailed and making them look good. In addition to that, I did a few TOME doodles just for fun. The creature on the bottom was for this month’s art challenge on my Discord server where we made original TOMERPG monsters, and I created Hundylow, a Crystal-element monster based on the Grindylow from English folklore.

This month was a lot more productive than the past few had been. I tried to do a 31-day art challenge called Creatober but failed to get past the third prompt because I was still swamped with other work. I’m still happy with what little I did, including the piece with my characters Kyle and Guarudan from DSWD.

I don’t remember how, but I also suddenly rediscovered an old Flipnote Hatena series called Tales of LostClan, a Warriors fan series that I would say was the most obscure thing I’ve ever been super invested in. It was what got me into the actual Warriors books, and I liked it so much I redrew the animations into a comic... twice. Didn’t get nearly as far the second time but clearly my love for this little fanfiction had not waned after nearly a decade. I felt like drawing a book cover/movie poster for the series, just to get it out there and see how much I’ve improved over all that time.

Also I felt like making a vampiresona just before Halloween because I never dress up for Halloween in art (or real life anymore, for that matter), and I wanted to do something like that for once. It was short-lived but I really liked the design!

The focus of this month was definitely on Pokemon stuff. As per usual I contributed to the current Gotta Draw ‘Em All collab, and I was tasked to draw Regieleki. It was really fun to figure out how to make it stand out and look like it was made of electricity.

I also committed a lot of my spare time to my Fakemon Gym Leaders, as I had been working on bringing them to life in the past year or so now. As of this post, I’ve finished rendering their full body poses and gym badges, but I’m still working on completing all eight VS portraits, the first half of which are shown here.

I... didn’t draw anything this month, actually. What I’m showing here was worked on in the last few days but has actually been in progress for a couple of months, and I just finished it earlier today, in 2021. But I needed to show something off, and it’s also about time I mentioned it.

Back in October, I kept seeing people rave about this game called Genshin Impact, and I was interested but not so much as to start playing it... until my friends started playing and I was like “fuck it, let’s download it”. Since that day, I have been super immersed and in love with this game, to the point I came up with my own canon based on my gameplay experiences. This also included the creation of an original player character: Astra, the non-binary Traveller. And now, I’ve finally drawn them and brought them to life.

It has been one hell of a year. I had some of the highest highs and lowest lows in 2020, lots of changes, and I have now officially moved onto the next chapter of my life now that my time at university is finally over. I’m very excited for what 2021 has to offer, and I’m going to go forward with great ambition.

#my art stuff #art summary #this is always a joy to do every year and i'm glad to keep up the tradition for the sixth year in a row #this year was super good for this as well just to look back on what i was actually able to accomplish #long post #tome #hazbin hotel

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comicteaparty · 4 years ago

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July 27th-August 2nd, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party’s Farewell Party that occurred from July 27th, 2020 to August 2nd, 2020.

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

Comic Tea Party Farewell Party

With great sadness, but also the desire to end things with a bang, welcome to Comic Tea Party’s Farewell Party! This week we’re going to have a casual hang-out with everyone in the server, ask some general questions about comics, and just try to have a good time that lets us all have one last hurrah before the server closes. So if that sounds good to you, we hope you join us.

Question Set 1 of 5 1. What has been your favorite comic to be featured by Comic Tea Party? (You can check the archives for a full list: https://comicteaparty.com/thursArchives & https://comicteaparty.com/weeklongarchives)? 2. What’s a new comic you found thanks to Comic Tea Party (or an old comic you learned to love again)?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

1. Mine, obv. Jkjk, my actual favorite comics whose book clubs I paticipated in were Ingress, Phantomarine, and Hovergirls. And man I've found so many good comics through CTP. Phantomarine, Hovergirls. Millennium, Only in Your Dreams, Joe is Dead, Valerie... I am sure I'm forgetting some too

Wait I think I may have actually not participated in the Phantomarine one

boogeymadam

1) phantomarine and devil's tongue!! joined for phantomarine's even 2) court of roses , sunny x rain

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

1) My favorite CTP feature hands down is Heart of Keol, but I unfortunately was not here for that. I have been a fan of that comic for many years. I also really enjoyed Only In Your Dreams. 2) I found a lot of fantastic comics here! KEYSPACE: A Winged Tale, Phantomarine (although I had heard of it previously), and SunnyxRain, to name a few. I also have a whole list of comics I still need to read! (Damn you my limited time! *waves fist). Princess Pop, Wayfinders, Puppeteer, Ghost Junk Sickness, Teasday, (probably some more I'm forgetting right now ). It's truly been a pleasure speaking with you all in this server! It's a crazy feeling finding a bunch of allies in this giant overwhelming comic-making world. Thanks to everyone who participated in my bookclub or has given me a word of encouragement or helped me with my work. Seriously, before I joined CTP, I felt like I was wading through an endless, abyssal sea all by myself.

carcarchu

1. My fave comic that was featured in the bookclub was Meet and Greet. I just found it incredibly darling, unique and memorable. The art was so lovely and I just became utterly enamoured by the whimsical atmosphere it produced. 2. i started reading yu + me dream bc it was mentioned in the server a few times and i actually ended up liking it a lot more than i thought i would. the art style obviously dates it but the artistry and writing of the comic really hold up and the artist clearly knew what she was doing. also it made me nostalgic for the early days of webcomics

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

1. I wasn't here for it, but O'Sarilho! I loved going back to read the answers, the comic has a special place in my heart! 2. There's so MANY comics and creators i found here who's works i truly admire. It'd start to be a long as heck list, so im going to be more general about it, but the CTP was definitely a good spot for me to pick up comics and have that chance to interact with creators and find out their process/inspo, and i cherish that so much!

Miranda (Into the Swell)

1. I haven't been in the server that long, but I'd probably say Phantomarine since I was actually here for that book club. 2. Ghost Junk SIckness, Phantomarine, Ingress Adventuring Co, Teasday, Whispers of the PAst, Joe is Dead, Magefront. So so many. And they're all amazing!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

@carcarchu I think you may have seen me mention yu+me? Gosh, it's good, isn't it?? The art style may be dated in the beginning but the rest of the comic is timeless. The amount of creativity in all the art styles she used, wow. She definetly knew what she was doing. Also, brave to commit to such a plot twist. Never seen a story with this premise before!(edited)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

1. Oh boy, there's a lot I think heart of Keol is my main contender, since I was there for the book club.

2. the folks I interacted with here, I ended up reading their comics! sunny x rain, WotP, Valerie, Reading Days, and a lot more! I dunno if I would be able to find more comics without the help of this server but I'm very thankful to be a part of it and getting to know a bulk of you here

Deo101 [Millennium]

1: I think my favorite one featured was Phantomarine ^^ being here for the book club definitely helped that, but it's also just really incredible <3 2: I've definitely found a ton of new comics here... mostly from meeting all the lovely creators, and wanting to see what they're talking about when they're gushing about the comics they love so much!

carcarchu

@Eightfish (Puppeteer) yes good writing is timeless! and i haven't actually gotten to the plot twist yet but i know of it!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

you haven't gotten to the plot twist yet?!

dude the art becomes so good

carcarchu

im still only on page 213

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

jeez no wonder you think the art style dates it!!

the author was intentionally drawing in a completely different style than her normal one the whole time

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/1e/1d/78/1e1d78ae54fa6be3d1076fbdcdcab84f.jpg https://64.media.tumblr.com/a87431cfb4e704d31c07eba9264ce979/tumblr_mve6g1D9y21qbtxv8o1_500.jpg

this is art she did before yu+me

carcarchu

oooh i totally thought that was her art style later!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i can't even imagine what it must've been like for her to keep the twist secret for so long

and all the crazyness she was going to do with her art later

this woman has truly impressive self control

eliushi [Keyspace]

A lot of my favs have been said!! I also really enjoyed Gender Slices (binged it all in two days), Desert Spell and Valerie! I love the diversity of the webcomics featured and how relatable they all are thank you again so much for running the book club!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Ohh I forgot about gender slices! Also forgot about sunnyxrain. And I did read whispers of the past and patent the sun , but i found out about both outside of ctp(edited)

did not finish (yet), but I've also read parts of teasday, hookteeth, and ghost junk sickness

OH and super galaxy knights

wow there are so many comics haha

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 2 of 5 1. What is your favorite thing about webcomics in general? 2. How did you get involved with webcomics?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Wow I literally do not remember how I got involved with webcomics

boogeymadam

1. Stories that feel more personal and heartfelt because the creator is usually just 1 or 2 people creating it mainly because they love it. Also getting to see protagonsits and stories, and even creators i relate to a lot more than those in more main media. 2. through manga as a young teen, searching up more stories like the ones i was interested in and couldnt get enough of and finding smackjeeves and hiveworks.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

1. What is your favorite thing about webcomics in general? Creativity!! With the freedom of publishing for free, writers and artists can be so imaginative, unique, and weird! I love reading stuff that the author made with full knowledge it will only ever appeal to a small number of people

but those small number of people will adore it

carcarchu

1. I love the indie charm of webcomics. when i interact with media that passes through more hands before the audience gets to it i sometimes feel that it gets polished to the point where it loses some of its charm. though webcomics might have more flaws than works that go through stringent editing, i feel that the flaws can make it more appealing. there can be problems with the writing or the art but i find with webcomics those problems can often be overcome just by the degree of raw passion and heart on display in those works. 2. same as eight it's been so long that i don't really remember but i have to assume that i somehow ended up on smackjeeves through deviantart? a lot of the artists i liked growing up also drew comics which they either posted on dA or on smackjeeves and through there i discovered more

eliushi [Keyspace]

Totally agree about how individual and different indie webcomics read vs traditional/ mainstream. I love how each webcomic is a reflection of the creator and how many different styles and creative ways one can tell a story! I got into webcomics from reading s bunch of manga and comics back in high school and stumbled upon smackjeeves and Phoenix requiem and that was my gateway into indie works

varethane

I got involved with webcomics because some friends of my friends in high school were making one, and I thought it seemed like super cool fun and wanted to do one too. Once i started reading more webcomics, it became hard to stop; the passion and earnestness is unmatched, and the stories people can tell when not held to the guidelines of what's considered 'marketable' by some executive somewhere are so unique and engaging

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

1) My favorite thing about webcomics is their diversity. I know not every webcomic is a creator's magnum opus, or the work by which they define themselves wholeheartedly, but you see so SO much variety. No two styles are exactly the same (unless someone's trying to incite drama, I guess ) and with that fact alone, every webcomic is so, so different. 2) I got involved with making webcomics purely out of boredom at work I just wanted a project that I could call my own, so I started drawing. But I read a few back in the day, mostly by coming across them on deviantART. Most weren't super polished, but there were a few that really stood out. It was nice to see the beginnings of what would eventually explode.

Miranda (Into the Swell)

1. The variety. There’s something for everyone and there’s different styles and its fantastic. And the people that are behind them. All the creators I’ve encountered have been super chill and kind and just inspiring. 2. I’m not sure? I think I just started reading on webtoons and it was a downhill (uphill? Cuz it’s good?) spiral from there

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

1. My favorite aspect of webcomics is that the genres and art styles are so diverse. And even beyond that, the types of characters represented are so unique! And this kind of bleeds into why I got into webcomics to begin with. I was so bored of superhero comics about white men fighting supernatural entities. Those stories have their place, and I also enjoy them on occasion, but after seeing them a million times, the content gets old. I love exploring webcomics by underrepresented people. POC, LGBT+ people, women, and genres that aren't typically shown in mainstream print comics. And that's what I love so much about webcomics: the diversity, the variety, the opportunity for people to tell their stories. 2. In regards to how I started reading webcomics, I originally read a lot of manga online that didn't have official English translations at the time, and then I found out about Korean webtoons, which sparked my interest in web-based content in general. I also found a few comics because of deviantART. Mostly because I followed a lot of skilled artists, and they would post about their webcomics. I found one of my favorite comics that way, Memorabilia, and I actually remember reading Where Tangents Meet before it got picked up as a Webtoon Original, and before the artist created Siren's Lament. I started drawing webcomics in 2014 because, for the first time since I had started writing, I couldn't imagine my story through solely words. I knew I needed to tell a visual story, and now I had an outlet: webcomics.

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 3 of 5 1. Why do you think more people should read webcomics? 2. What do you like the most about the webcomic community?

eliushi [Keyspace]

I think more people should read webcomics to see how different stories can be told and the different perspectives they share outside of mainstream media. There is also the privilege to be able to interact with the creators directly and be a part of the creative/ supportive process. I love how supportive everyone is! It’s amazing to see creators create fan art/fiction for one another, commiserate the difficulties in making things from our busy lives and celebrating every step of success. I also love the readers whose comments brighten my day and whose engagement motivates me to make the story inside my head Real.

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 4 of 5 1. How do you think webcomics will have changed 10 years from now? What about 20? 2. In the long-term, how will have webcomics changed the world?

RebelVampire

Set 1 1) As the host of CTP, I think I am obligated to say they were all my favorite. So I'm just gonna go with that. 2) As for new comics, honestly, most of them. Not to say many of them I hadn't heard of before, but hearing about them and finding time to read them are two different things. CTP really allowed me to make that time. Set 2 1) My favorite thing about webcomics is mostly just that anybody can do them. You don't need to have fantastic web skills. Don't need to hunt down a publisher and get rejected 1000 times. You just sit down, do it, and post it. Not to say the doing it part is easy, but there aren't the other sorts of barriers that wouldve stopped people when I was a kid. And I think this is great because it lets more and more ppl express their creativity and have avenues to potentially get their work seen. 2) Basically 90% of my life has been composed of knowing artists and having artists as friends. And most artists I know have had interest in webcomics at one point or another (even if they never pursued it or moved on from webcomics). So for me it was just a thing that was always there based on my particular social circles.

RebelVampire

Set 3 1) I think more people should read webcomics because of two reasons. One, the more people read indie stuff, the more it helps indie artists achieve whatever it is they're trying to achieve. With the internet, I think we need to move past the days of yore where artists were basically unknown until they were dead. Cause that's sad. So reading webcomics is a way to fight that and respect the inherent humanity, effort, and work that goes into creativity. Two, there's just more availability of stories. Whether you want to read some mainstream isekai like story or just want some super niche thing that is 100% tailored to your specific tastes, webcomics probably has it. And by reading webcomics, you can complain less about how the thing you want doesn't exist and spend more time being happy. 2) What I like most about the community is just being able to see lots of different people express themselves entirely differently from each other. That and the hard work everyone puts into their work. Set 4 1) 10 years from now I think someone will have come up with a way to auto format comics to better suit the medium they're on. So page format on desktop and print and vertical scroll on mobile. Thus reading experiences will be smoother. Not to say it won't be janky, but someone somewhere out there must be toying with something like this. Further, I think we will see a rise in some automations that make certain processes easier. Also, I think we'll see a rise in comics made with 3D instead of 2D, if only for the factor of accessibility. 20 years from now, that's hard to say. However, given the rapid pace of technology, one thing I think we might see is better computer vision and translation software so sites can auto generate multiple language versions of any comic.

2) In the long-term for changing the world, I will repeat what I said earlier to a degree. They'll create a world where people don't have wait to die to be noticed, and in so doing, they'll shape people's opinions since, by and large, that is one of the purposes of stories and the experience of stories.

Miranda (Into the Swell)

Set 4: 1. I think it will span out into a much more broad selection of art. I feel like a lot of the "most popoular" webcomics all have a similar anime art style and I feel like that will change more as time goes on. 2. I think they'll continue to bring people of different walks together and just give common ground. No one will feel alone because there will be something for everyone and a community behind all of it. I think they're going to be more accessible and less gated to devices/displays that your viewing them on. And I think there will be a lot more artists in the world because of them(edited)

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Your sets 3 and 4, Rebel just -oof- right in my heart I'm really excited about the possibilities of more and better automatic translation just on the internet in general, but definitely for webcomics that would be amazing if an AI could just translate mine and everyone else's into all the languages.

mathtans

Whelp, I'm behind again.

SET 1. With the caveat that I'm behind in all my reading. It's very sad. I'm still working on 2019 here.

1. My favourite might have to go to "The Cat, The Vine and The Victory". Just a really interesting concept, enjoyed the writing, there's a yuri couple (of sorts), a person who can't speak, it somehow updated really frequently... yeah.

https://tapas.io/series/The-Cat-The-Vine-and-The-Victory

mathtans

2. Here there's too many to mention. But I'll mention a bunch anyway and apologies to those I miss: CHAMPS, Centralia 2050, 7 inch Kara, Neon Rabbit, My Dad is a Magical Girl, Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Nine Twilights... and the list goes on.

SET 2.

1. Favourite thing? This will sound weird, but I guess how they're always there. Like, I can't keep up even week to week, but suddenly there's some time to binge and you can see story and art evolve as you look at the last few months all at once. Actual comics hire different writers or artists a lot of the time, and if you miss an issue it can be a pain finding it. Though I also like the point that's been made about how there's access on the creation side too. And how communities can crop up based on them.

2. How did I get involved with webcomics. Sigh. Strap in. I'm one of those weird types who came in via writing, not art. In 2011 (oh no, I'm old) I had the idea of personifying mathematical equations, where the hairstyles would relate to the graphs. But not being an artist, I basically did short writing excerpts with character headshots. (Does anyone remember Elf Only Inn? Oh no, I'm still old.)

I didn't even know what to call it, I referred to it as a "webcomic thing". I've since learned that it was basically a serial, supplemented with some author art. The art got increasingly more complex to where I would design a one panel setting to complement the writing. Then, after 3 years of doing this, I stopped, because after all the social media (I joined mainly to promote the thing) and videos and the rest I had, like, 5 readers. But I kept kind of attached to webcomic groups and chats, even though I wasn't doing a webcomic.

(Like, wasn't doing and never had been doing.)

A year later, in 2015, I relaunched the whole project as an ACTUAL 4-panel webcomic with new character designs. I think it's around then that StArt Faire and CTP were brought to my attention by Angelic Emypress. Maybe it was the following year.

That's when I really hooked more into the community and made it a point to have CTP in my calendar. I then stopped doing my own webcomic in 2018 because, despite mirroring on Tapas and trying to do guest posts and continue to promote... I still only had, like, 6 readers. Also my daughter was born. So I didn't have as much free time to devote to something no one else was really into. I did manage to keep up with CTP until it went asynchronous, but I've been kind of a ghost since. So hello to people who wonder why I'm a Hibiscus Teacup when I'm almost never around these days.

TL;DR: I got involved in webcomics because I wanted to be doing one but didn't know how (and still don't have the art skills for it), but like to try to encourage other people. Because I know what it's like when less than a dozen people are aware your comic exists.

SET 3.

1. More should read because honestly seeing this stuff digitally is how this is all going these days... actual paper comics are becoming terribly overpriced. And this way you can pay what you're able (even if that's zero) to people who are just as amazing and creative. I'll also echo Rebel in that there's lots of variety out there.

2. The webcomic community... honestly, it's a lot like the serial community in terms of boosting each other up and offering moral support, which is great and necessary. Not just in the writing but in general. And without it, I would never have had any artwork of my characters that I didn't specifically commission. Whether it was a trade initiative or in one weird case a random post to me, these were people taking the time to let me see my vision in a new way. I always posted and credited that stuff. It meant a lot.

I'll do the last couple sets this weekend, hopefully. Nice to see everyone else's thoughts up there. ^^

carcarchu

@mathtans i don't think i can agree with this point. sadly there have been plenty of webcomics i loved but when the sites imploded (smackjeeves) or they stopped paying for their website host they were lost to time forever. also a lot of artists just straight up purge their work from the internet forever from embarrassment

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

^ Me with the first several versions of my comic

mathtans

Carcarchu: That's a good point I hadn't considered. Guess I've been fortunate in that most of the ones I follow just go on indefinite hiatus at worst.

Hope the site with the CTP archives doesn't get bought out and shut down or something.

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 5 of 5 1. How can people reach you after this? 2. Final parting words?

carcarchu

1. You can usually catch me on twitter! https://twitter.com/kurumadraws 2. This is not farewell, just good-bye for now hope to see most of you again soon!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

1. I’m always on Twitter! http://www.twitter.com/Phantomarine_ 2. Thank you so much for giving us this server. This has been such a fun place to make new friends and discuss comics. The book club for Phantomarine was one of my favorite things ever - I had an absolute blast. Thank you again for your hard work, and see you all around!

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

1. I'm at twitter and other discord servers you can see me lurking in https://twitter.com/tuyetnhip

2. Thanks for everything for the server! I hope to see the rest of you somewhere near or far on internet land

mariah (rainy day dreams)

1. You can find me on Twitter and various other discords (including my own that just opened up last week!) https://twitter.com/RainyDayMariah https://discord.gg/6S6Zsw 2. I'm very sad to be saying goodbye for now, even though I know I'll still see most of you in various corners of the internet going forward. This discord had a really special energy that I'm going to miss a lot. Just saying thank you doesn't feel like enough, but truly, thank you so much for the time we've spent together. See you in cyberspace

Miranda (Into the Swell)

1. I'm on Twitter mostly https://twitter.com/MirandaDrawss 2. Thanks for providing this awesome server! I've gotten to know so many people and had my eyes opened so much more to the world of webcomics. Thanks for inspiring me! So long, farewell, until we meet again

Nutty (Court of Roses)

1. I too am on twitter! https://twitter.com/nintendonut1 The comic also has its own discord server! https://discord.gg/Rmwe9Hv 2. Thank you so much for bringing this kind community together. Here's to us creators, wherever he head to next!

Feather J. Fern

You can find me on Twitter! https://twitter.com/FeatheryFern Thank you so much for making CTP and thank you everyone for making up the community! I hope to see you all in other communities and servers and I made so many friends here!

BadSprite

1. Hi you can find me on twitter!! https://twitter.com/BadSprite 2. I know we'll probably see each other again. But I want to thank you all for doing what you love, it's really inspiring to see so many people from so many background creating their own unique stories. So much so it got me to start making mine! Thank you for being amazing people and I hope to see you guys again soon!

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

1. I am on twitter and Instagram https://twitter.com/heidiholmeaa Instagram @heidiholmeaa 2. Thank you so much for all the hard work put into this server! I know I have not been the most active on here, but thanks for good comics to read, a good network and fun convos. I hope many of us will keep seeing each other on other servers and let us all prosper and succeed!

varethane

I, too, am primarily on twitter! https://twitter.com/varethane And on instagram as varethane1, though I don't post there very often. Thank you for running a super cool server!! I was always impressed at the depth and thoroughness of the Comic of the Week questions

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s been a great time and I look forward to new adventures with all of you! I live in the following internet spaces: https://instagram.com/eliushi.draws?igshid=1wz4f1o191fe1 https://twitter.com/eliushi https://eliushi.weebly.com/about.html

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Set 3 1. Why do you think more people should read webcomics? I basically already said this, but webcomics offer a diverse reading experience. 2. What do you like the most about the webcomic community? Readers can actually interact with creators! It's so cool to see the barrier between readers and creators dissipate most of the time. Set 4 1. How do you think webcomics will have changed 10 years from now? What about 20? The biggest change I think we'll be seeing within the decade is that more and more comics will be put behind a paywall like Lezhin or Tapas. In 20 years? I think the internet will be pretty different then. Perhaps there will be more censorship? 2. In the long-term, how will have webcomics changed the world? I think the most immediate thing is that webcomics open the world up to discussing more topics. As webcomics enter the mainstream, discussing these things in a public setting will become more normalized.

As for where you can find me, you can find me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/CronajArt Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cronaj_art/ ArtStation: https://www.artstation.com/cronaj My webcomic server: https://discord.gg/ueWBfdp Or in a lot of other servers!

Deo101 [Millennium]

where can you find me? on twitter, mostly ^^ I think most of us are already mutuals there, but just in case it'd be nice to touch base https://twitter.com/deo_101 and I'm also on my comics discord server lots! https://discord.com/invite/jxcdKma Final parting words... this is hard. but, this has been a really wonderful community and it's been incredible to get to know you all and to learn from eachother how we have. it's truly been a blessing and I'm so grateful to rebel for this opportunity to share not only my work, but also myself with so many people! I hope that this isn't actually goodbye for us, and is just a "see you around!" As we all move forward, hopefully, side by side.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Here's my twitter!

https://twitter.com/ActuallyOctopi

Here's my comic!

https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/puppeteer/list?title_no=290620

I hope I can continue to talk to you all in a different place.

kayotics

you can also mostly find me on twitter! https://twitter.com/kayartics

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

you can find me on twitter, instagram, or pillowfort! https://twitter.com/shadowhooddraws https://www.instagram.com/shadowhooddraws/ https://www.pillowfort.social/shadowhood

mathtans

SET 4.1: 10 years from now... I'm so bad at predictions. I can't even think properly about how different they were 10 years ago, though I suppose they are more mainstream. Perhaps there will be easier ways to archive or paper print a whole set. Hopefully also more representation from minority groups, and less concern with RL problems causing schedule hiccups. Which I guess just goes double for 20 years.

Though maybe there will be more animated webcomics, or holographic ones by then, or something.

SET 4.2: Long-term, hopefully it helps people feel more confident even if they're not the most amazing artist or anything. Also as was said by Miranda, bringing people together in terms of common ground.

SET 5.1: Reach me? I'm pretty much 'mathtans' everywhere (except on Facebook, where I'm mathstans because someone else got it there first). For social media, probably twitter's the best bet, as many others have led with. https://twitter.com/mathtans

I also have [email protected] (does anyone here remember OS-tans? ... Anyway)

SET 5.2: Parting words? Thank you. I really just stumbled my way in here, a writer who doesn't know much beyond the basics of art, and have tried to do my best to offer accolades and constructive criticism. Rebel, you have done an amazing job, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. There was a time when I would sometimes look at the archive of a chat just to see what the pull quote was at the top. To those who actually spent some time reading my comic, thank you too... some of the nonsense is forever immortalized in Feb 2018. https://mathtans.blogspot.com/2018/02/s9332-faire-game.html

And best of luck to everyone out there, whether you've been at this for a while like me (probably showing better results, serious) or whether you've just started out. I can only hope I've made something of a difference out there. Until the next time.

Tantz Aerine (Without Moonlight)

Oh Lord I am so behind all this, with my RL tackling me to the ground... but I'll quickly answer these too, pardon my complete lack of timing. SET 1 1. Phantomarine is the one comic I loved because I was so late to the party (pun not completely intended ) 2. Phantomarine. Gosh I feel like I missed so much of this community. SET 2 1. It's the sheer freedom to create. 2. I started making comics for my students to teach them English. Then one thing led to another... SET3 1. More people should read webcomics because they are where the hub of creation in visual arts is. Experimentation, pluralism, excitement, passion. Everything is there. People will and do benefit as well as get entertained. 2. The sheer inclusivity, diversity, and curiosity that fuels creation. Friendliness, too, when people get to know you. SET 4 1. For better or worse, webcomics are becoming responsive to the means through which they are being experienced. We will always have standard formats but new will emerge that take advantage of new technologies as they come. Vertical format is one such example. In 20 years, webcomics would have become an industry, very much like print comics did, I'd say. 2. Webcomics change the world the same way art generally does: by reflecting society back to itself, and exploring ideas. SET 5 1. You can totally find me on twitter https://twitter.com/TantzAerine and if you will be so awesome as to want to read my historical webcomic Without Moonlight, you can find it here http://www.withoutmoonlightwebcomic.com/ . I definitely hope to see you. 2. I have been of the newest members of the community and I feel like I missed a whole world of richness. Still, I am thankful for what I got, and for the care and passion of everyone who kept the Comic Tea Party going for as long as it did. Thank you, and all the best.

#ctparchive

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wexhappyxfew · 4 years ago

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cancer, virgo, aquarius, pisces💕

awe sara!! thank you so much for the ask, you’re too kind!! i’m super excited to answer, as i usually always am, but that’s just me LOL!! and i must say i LOVE your profile pic, SO MUCH!! steve harrington will forever be my favorite stranger things character AH! alright, let’s get into it! <3

cancer: how do you write emotional scenes? do you feel what the characters feel?

Ok, if you know me, emotional scenes are absolutely one of my all-time favorite things to write in this whole world. I’m not exactly sure why, but as someone who normally bottles up my feelings and has no outlet, putting it into writing is an outlet for me in a way, and so I feel that’s where it can all really come out. And yes, I know it’s not great bottling it all up like that, but I’ve never been one to really show that side to many people I guess!

When I first approach an emotional scene (albeit, I have matured greatly in my attack on emotional scenes) I generally, I hope this doesn’t sound weird, try to imagine me as the character in that sort of position - what are they feeling, how are they feeling, how are they reacting, what emotions could be in their mind, thoughts in their head, how would I react, how would a normal person react, how does it fit with the content of the story, how does it fit with the personality of the character, is it relevant? There’s a multitude of questions that cycle through my head, but those are just the most prominent.

Writing the emotional scene is very much just going at it and seeing what happens - because then it is the raw and true emotion that is felt in that time and place. And usually from then on I just keep it, with minor edits because I want that raw emotion to be out on the page, but that’s just what I do for attacking those really emotional scenes!

And YES! I feel like every character I create, when I get back to writing them again after a long day of school or work I suddenly am them? If that makes sense...I feel like I’m in their shows, feeling these emotions, these fears, this excitement - all of it. And I think that’s such a fun part of it all - you as the author get to feel it all too!

virgo: are you very critical of your own writing? how much do you find yourself editing (either during the writing or after the fact)?

If I’m honest, I used to be, but now, not really, if I’m honest! :) That’s really come with my confidence though, as I wasn’t super confident in it, and I thought it was terrible but looking back it was all part of the growing experience!! Writing for me has truly been just a growing and learning experience with so many fun and exciting twists and turns! For me, writing is a joy of mine! So, even back then, I wasn’t super critical. And now, I just write and write, and just enjoy that. Because I know this writing is purely coming from me, and I know who I am now, and I love my writing, I really do. Every writer should love their writing, because it’s unique and creative and no one can write like you can. That’s the best part about it! I just really love my style of writing I feel, and not everyone has to, that’s life - not everyone will like you, or in this case even your writing - and hey, it’s all good! You can have opinions and chose not to like something! But I really just love my writing and it keeps me going, seeing me go and write this really cool line that makes me sit back and think - wow - and then I keep going. AH I just love it! So, yeah not super critical - I go with the flow and see what happens!

And editing - I still read back stuff and see misspellings - and yeah I’m like ‘OH NO’ but at the same time, even though it’s just a few things, it shows the art of the journey and crafting such a story together! <3

aquarius: what is the most unique thing about your current wip?

Ooooh, cool question! I think I’ve mentioned it before, but Landslide, my Band of Brothers fic, is a Polish Resistance Fighter fic, where I focus for a portion of the story on the Polish Resistance (Underground, Polish Home Army [AK], other various resistances of Poland at the time). I felt that it was important for the Band of Brothers fandom, a World War 2 based fandom, to have representation with the Polish Resistance, who were accounted as the most successful Resistance under German-occupation. And I was just FASCINATED by everything the Resistance had done for their years in the war and under occupation. And especially the Warsaw Uprising - I felt it was important for people to understand what occurred in the Warsaw Uprising and what was happening there while our Band of Brothers boys were back in Aldbourne after Normandy - I really try to show that perspective before we met Easy Company and really delve into Natia Filipska’s character so by the time you meet Easy, it’s like your meeting them all over again with Natia in a new light, an Agent’s eye - not a fresh-faced kid with no war experience, and who has been fighting previously for 5 years! It’s very fun to showcase it, and I was super excited because there’s no Polish Resistance/Band of Brothers fics out there, so I’m hoping to give them rightful representation! :)

pisces: how do you visualize scenes? do you see it like a movie in your head, or do the words just flow?

LIKE A MOVIE! Literally I picture every scene like it’s some sort of movie and it’s the funniest thing ever I feel. I can so vividly see things in my mind that sometimes I wonder what it’d be like if it were a movie LOL! I’m a very artistic and visually oriented person - I grew up with art in my life, drawing and such and I’m also a visual learner, heavily, I’d say - and so I see things and associate it with scenes and create images in my mind like snapshots or stills sometimes and I can just picture it and then put it to paper like it was in my head. and as this happens, the words just sorta flow from brain to fingertips to computer if I’m honest!! It’s definitely very fun!! <3

thank you so much for the asks sara!! these were so much fun to answer as i haven’t done one of these in such a long time - thank you so much for stopping by!! <3

>> ask me a zodiac writing ask!! :)

#zodiac writing asks #sara!!#thank you sm!

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maddiicake · 5 years ago

Text

A Decade in Review

I actually wrote this at the beginning of the New Year--and, technically, New Deacade--, but I figured I’d also have it here for those who follow me on Tumblr and not on DeviantART

So, heads up, this is going to be a super long post, so I will put the extent of everything under “Read More” below, if you’d like to continue.

Thanks for your time

A Decade In Review

Well, the more I think about it... the title should be: "The deterioration of an individual through their slow painful spiral into the fiery pit of failure". Anyway... I don't really do the "Art Progress" meme things that people make for New Years Eve/Day, mainly because, for me, there wouldn't be a point. For other artists, yes, I'm sure it helps very much to show where they started off and where they are now. (Though, I did make this one way back in the day, but haven't made any since then). But, for someone like me, whose had a stagnant art quality for half of this decade now, all the pieces I would put together would just look exactly the same quality-wise xD So, I just like to take the time and write out everything together in a Journal. All in one go; no drafting or edits (unless, of course, there's grammatical errors that I spot after posting). I don't have any Resolutions for this upcoming year, especially since I didn't complete any of my resolutions from last year (except for the "save your money" one). But, very rarely do people follow through with their Resolutions--and, of course, it's awesome when they do. But, since a decade has passed... and since I've been a figure on the internet for a decade now, I'd just like to take the time and reflect on everything that has occurred since 2010:

2010

I actually wouldn't exist on DeviantART for another year (and wouldn’t be on Tumblr for another year after that). However, I got my start on Ye Ole FanFiction.Net. Yes, I was a writer before I was an artist. In fact, even before our home was wired with the internet (which was around 2008/2009), I would do nothing but stay up late and write. Before I got my first computer, I would have tons of notebooks with nothing but fan-fictions written in them. And, after getting my computer, I would transfer those written works to be a little more polished in a Word Document; and, from there, I would continue on with the story I was working on. You don't have to worry about killing trees when everything is on a file xD Of course, dumb little me didn't think to separate each chapter into different Documents. So, now there is a 800+ page document still on my computer of a "saga" of a Pokemon Mary Sue. That story was never posted, and will never see the light of day, unless, of course, I hit some special Milestone (probably a YouTube Subscriber because me going through it could only properly be done in video format--with my commentary and cringe over top of course xD). But, you know what was posted? My Ouran Host Club fan-fiction: "Fitting In". Still in that "Mary-Sue"-ish OC, phase, but I wanted to make this character more interesting and believable. So, with my anime crush, Kyoya, paired up with my Ouran OC, I set out to form my story. Completely unbeknownst to my parents, because they (specifically Mom--go figure) frowned upon me just reading fan-fictions. Because, in my mother's own words: "It's other people's fantasies". (Looking back on that now, her reason makes absolutely no sense). But, I enjoyed writing and enjoyed the series. So, after my parents had fallen asleep, I would write a chapter through the night and then posted it. Somehow, after a few chapters... my story got pretty big: tons of faves, followers and reviews--it was insane! Here I was, just being a geek, like everyone else, and enjoying the fandom. And yet, for the first time in my life... I felt what it was like to be truly supported. It wasn't support for something I didn't have interest in or was coaxed into doing (like with my parents). This was something that I enjoyed, even if it was just for fun. And people actually liked it. They actually supported me for what I liked. From there, it just continued to help me press on and keep moving forward. So, while balancing out my last year and a half of high school, I challenged myself to upload a chapter every week. And, I succeeded. I remember one Review from a user that said: "I literally got home from school and rushed over to my computer, because I knew there would be a new chapter!" Little did they all know that I actually would write the chapter all in one sitting. Yep, pulled an all-nighter the day before just to write out the chapter and then post it. I eventually did tell my parents. This was after my story had gotten a pretty good amount of following and faves to be considered--in the Fanfiction.net society--a Fanfiction worth the time to read. Dad was actually really happy and proud, even going to tell my mother about it just to "show me off". It felt nice to have his support--awkward, yes, but still nice. Mom, of course, didn't care; not that I was surprised in the slightest. But, even if I had one parent's support, the whole mass of support for individuals over the internet was able to compensate for the lack of support I received from my maternal unit.

2011:

Still writing early into the following year. I had attended my first anime convention at the beginning. mostly because J. Michael Tatum--the English voice for Kyoya--was a guest, but also other Ouran English DUB actors, including Vic Mignogna. While I was aware he played Tamaki, it wasn't until I sat in on one of his panels that I realized how popular he was among the anime community. He got many questions regarding this series called Fullmetal Alchemist. Because of how everyone seemed to know of this series (except me, of course), that was the first thing I would look into after crashing at home at the end of that weekend. Like with everyone starting out, the search results provided me with the original Fullmetal Alchemist series from 2003, so I started with that. Needless to say... it was definitely a 180 turn from Ouran, with how dark and depressing that it seemed. By the time I got to the episode with Lab 5, I didn't watch another episode for months. Long story short: Chimera!Tucker scared the absolute sh*t out of me--didn't help that I was watching the episode at night either. Parallel to those months, however... I was writing my newest Fan-Fiction, "Fire and Ice". Completely taken full interest in the Fullmetal Alchemist series, I created my newest OC, Danielle. Now, I made the mistake of jumping the gun with her creation as well as her story. Because I was still very very new to the series, and didn’t quite get a grasp on the canon character's personalities to be able to portray them In-Character well enough. Not to mention that I didn't quite understand the "Rules" of the FMA universe when it comes to creating an OC. But that's where DeviantART comes in. I made an account in the fall of that year and would post every so often. I used dA more as a secondary account just for the more visual references of my stories. So, in other words, I was promoting my main account (FF.net) by broadening expanding myself to other sites. dA being more visually oriented for creators, while FF.net was more for the story/world-building end. So, with two accounts on opposite spectrums of one another, I continued to create my stories and characters. Of course, Fullmetal Alchemist was a very popular fandom, and with the Brotherhood series being new, the fandom was more hyped up than ever. I kept to myself mostly, because I was more on FF.net than dA. However, after a while, I wanted to interact with the audience I had gained from being on dA. So, I would draw my characters and scenes from my story more often. Granted, I didn't have a tablet at the time, and would scan my sketchbook drawings in to post them. I would even try to go the extra mile to scan them in and re-purpose them digitally with GIMP (the only program I had at the time); again, though, no tablet, just a mouse. I started talking with other newbie artists and writers in the fandom, and we all started to become really good friends. The majority of us, of course (even myself at the time), looked up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy". Not naming names, but I'm sure a lot of you know the individuals I'm talking about. Inspired by their own detailed digital works, my fan-fiction was put on a hold as I began to become engrossed in drawing.

2012:

The year that marks my actual start as an artist here on dA. Or, if you want my actual take on it: The year that marks the beginning of my "downward spiral into the pit of no return or reformation". At the beginning of the year, I had purchased my tablet with my own money: A WACOM Bamboo Connect. In fact, it's the same tablet I use to this day, even though I have downsized to a much smaller version. Because my mindset at the time (and, to this day, still is): "You can have the most expensive equipment, but it's the artist themselves that makes the quality of the work." From there, along with a pirated version of Easy Paint Tool SAI, I was ready to take the next step into improving myself as an artist. (If anyone is curious... THIS was the first thing that I drew with my tablet). But, despite all that.. 2012 was rough. I picked A LOT of fights, even having the audacity to stand up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy" when there was a fight between the FMA OC groups. I saw their leader and the rest of them for who they truly were. Individuals, who still to this day (based on what I've seen from the 2nd-in-Command), that put on an act to make themselves appealing, welcoming, and "friendly" to their audience, while they're actually nothing more than self-entitled individuals who get upset because someone so dares to not like the pairing between their figment of their imagination and a fictional character. And that's when I vowed: "I will knock [her] off her throne." This said in regards to the leader of the Matriarchy. Because people, who are looked up to, shouldn’t be behaving in that sort of way! They shouldn't be acting like their word is law and whoever goes against them or disagrees with them should get their head chopped off, metaphorically speaking. Outside of the internet, they're nobodies. They don't have power over anyone when they're no longer hidden behind a keyboard and screen. The number on their profile is just that--just a number. It doesn't mean anything. And, in my mind, they all needed to be taken down a peg and realize that OCs, art, fandoms--whatever--should NOT be taken so seriously! We were all here to enjoy the same thing as them, and they had no right to treat themselves like they were queens, who governed what went on in the fandom. Of course, being a petty teenager... I did (and even drew) some things that I shouldn't have (i.e. making a satire of the Matriarchy as "Mean Girls" at the lunch table). And, I didn't really explain myself to anyone when said: "I'll knock [her] off her throne." I wasn't (and still am not) very good at explaining myself or feeling (or even understanding other's feelings and social cues). All in all that entire year was a roller coaster with on and off fights between myself and the Matriarchy--namely their leader. By the end of it all, I just wanted to quit and give up drawing all together. All I could think about was "There's no way I'll be able to surpass them and knock them off their thrones..." I always have, and still do, believe that I'm not one to be worshiped or put on a pedestal. I make it a habit to tell others that when they gush over me or my art: "I'm just a geek like you ^u^ There's no difference between us." Because I don't want to be treated the same way the Matriarchy was/is treated. I don't want to be seen like them at all, because I was nothing like them. I didn't take things seriously, I didn't treat others like they were lower than dirt to me--I wasn't an "Art Thot". I wanted to be the person that could actually BE A PERSON to my audience; not some high-and-mighty white-tower dwelling jerk like the Matriarchy. But, yet, there I was... dragging out the last of the year; trying to figure out how to not be like any of them, when it seemed like the only way to take them down a peg was to be like them. At least, to be able to surpass them. My mental state took a drastic turn for the worst as I began to become obsessed with these girls. I couldn't stand seeing them. I couldn't stand my friends talking to them (and I still can’t), because I felt like they had no idea what the Matriarchy was like--the way I knew them to truly be. I would constantly tear apart my art and look on it with disgust, because all I could see was just a big comparison between my work and theirs. I wanted to give up. "There's no way I'll pass them". I wanted to show everyone else so badly that there's someone out there that they could truly look up too. Not just as an inspiration for art, but as someone who actually cares about them and others. The days were so bleak, hopeless, endless... ending it all would have been too easy, and giving up seemed too cowardly. I was stuck. ...But, then I met AAV-sama. I had never seen them before at all. They weren't a watcher, didn't fave my works, didn't comment--nothing! It was just an out-of-the-blue comment on my profile: "Hey, wanna RP?" Now... I hadn't RPed on dA for a long while since then. But, I figured that getting back into writing would help take my mind off of everything art-related. So, we talked over what to RP, and they sent the starter. Little did I know that the beginning of that RP would be the start of something amazing.

2013:

The start of my last year in high school (graduated that spring), and would start my first year of Community College for an Art degree. I knew what I wanted to do with my life going from there. It's just, when you have little to no support system in real life, it's very very difficult to get on your feet from there and keep moving forward. Meanwhile, in the world here on DeviantART, I was still drawing little things here and there; working more on improving my ability to draw backgrounds as well as composition. I would still only post occasionally--about once a month or so--, because I was completely engulfed in the world of writing in the Notes section of dA. :devaav-sama: and I were still acquaintances and nothing more than RP Partners at the time. But, she would often share what was going on in her personal life, and, eventually, I would open up as well. From there, our acquaintanceship took a turn into friendship. She helped me find inspiration and creativity, and helped me remind myself of the love for the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom. And that would come the start of our little passion project: The Mustang Conspiracy. New OCs were made and had their own story in Next Gen of the FMA03/Shamballa universe. All the while, AAV, and I became closer and closer while excitedly gushing over scenes we made and even episodes and characters in the FMA series itself. A year after we started creating out series, I created the first picture of our own "Golden Trio". And, with the creation of these new OCs, I met other individuals, who I would become friends with. With these new friends, we all cooed and gushed over our OCs, and even made AUs of our OCs interacting with one another. Like with my Ouran story, I once again felt that love and support--support I knew I would never be able to have outside of the internet (parents/mother). I didn't (still don't) have any friends outside of the internet, so I would often have a tendency to be possessive or overprotective of my friends here online. I liked the feeling of being loved and having friends, and I didn't want it to go away. ...But, ultimately, it did.

2014:

Like with the other years, this was no different of a roller coaster. In the real world, I was passing with 90s and A's in my classes. Of course, Mom's response to my Math final grade, which was a 92%, was a big: "You can do better". (Mother, we're not an Asian family, could you PLEASE let up on the high standards...? -___- ). Anyway... Like always, I found my escape from my toxic family life to the love and support from people who liked me for who I was online. Of course... There were the same emotional disputes between I and the Matriarchy, mostly brought up because I couldn't stand to see my friends interacting with them. What took me by surprise and baffled me the most is that one of my friends became friends (and still is to this day) with the Matriarchy's "2nd in Command". My friend's art was less to be desired, and was far from being among the ranks of the Matriarchy because of it. So, needless to say, I couldn't wrap my head around the reason why the Matriarchy would allow someone like her to be friends with them when they were out of her league art-wise. The Matriarchy didn't ever do that. it was just them, and if you're not in their league, then you're not one of them. There was only one logical conclusion to all of this... They were taking my friends by lulling them into a false sense of security and making them their "friends" just so that they could turn my friends against me. Ultimately, planning to leave me in abandonment and cutting off my support system online so that I would be left with nothing. My friends didn't know them the way I did. I KNEW those people weren't to be trusted, they never were, but I didn't want to make my friends up-happy. Yeah, I can be possessive because of my over-protectiveness for my friends, but... I didn't want to be the one to make them feel upset. So, I kept to myself the majority of the time and bottled it in. And we all know what happens when you bottle things in.... you become a ticking time bomb until you eventually explode, even on the smallest of things. Sometimes, like how it was with me, the bouts of intense anger were in scattered spurts. Now, many of you may remember the time over the summer of the Ferguson shooting, which lasted until the end of the year. Being raised by an extremist (mostly the maternal side) Conservative/Republicans, my family, of course sided with the Cop. Me, not wanting to be kicked out on the streets, I did what I always did when politics came up in my family--which is 90% of the time. I agreed with them and let it absorb me to the point that I had to be like that and think that way to appease them. Clearly, the internet didn't seem to agree, and I was called a "racist" and all but one friend left. She wouldn't last long, but I cherished the fleeting moments we had together. Meanwhile, I continued to draw FanART, OCs, and such for the rest of the year, as well as continue working on The Mustang Conspiracy.

2015:

AAV was all I had during this year. Our friendship had grown to the point that I couldn't imagine a day where I don't talk to her. We had gotten to the stage where we exchanged personal contact info, and have messaged each other little "Good Morning" messages every since day since then. She was my everything. She made me feel like I was everything. If I didn't have her, I probably would find the nearest overpass to jump off of, or work on finding a good sturdy tree in the middle of the woods to tie a noose to. All in all, life wasn't worth living anymore without her. After everyone else had left, she became my one and only, and... it got to the points where I would unhealthily obsess over our friendship because of the constant fear of abandonment nagging the back of my head every single day. Even while working on our story, we took the time to set up a separate Note just for a "Creative Workshop" to further build our characters and make them more well-rounded. Now, during one of my "bleak" moments, I recall the very first time I came across the a certain Community on YouTube (not naming what kind, because I would like to keep myself and my family safe). No joke, I had searched "terrible people on DeviantART", not because I want to find other people deemed "terrible" just to laugh at, but because I was feeling like I was the terrible one. The Community was still in it's early days with only a few channels that would talk about pedos and bullies on the internet--though most of the videos at the time were just talking about pedos. Seeing those videos and watching these users deliver calm and collected speeches about users committing crimes towards children on DeviatnART, among others just laughing at lol-cows doing dumb things, it gave me a light of confidence and inspiration. They handled themselves so well, and were well respected within the Community. So, I made my first videos--not the best, just screenshots of anime characters used as expressions set to my voice reading from a script along with music, all thrown together and edited on Windows Movie Maker. Like how I got big trying something new to a new audience the last few times... this was no different. Except, well, I didn't really feel the love and support as much. However, I did start to realize that the majority of my audience really enjoyed my jokes and the way I handled situations. And, it made me reflect to the days where I would do theater. Being on stage and performing for an audience, making them laugh or impacting their lives just because a character I played happen to inspire them... it was the best feeling in the world. Up there in front of hundreds of eyes watching you, and entertaining them... it's the greatest feeling in the world. Performing was my life, it was (and still is) where my heart is and what makes me truly happy. So, while I couldn't do theater as often, making YouTube videos was close enough, and I could work on those and post them at any time; not having to worry abut a weekend-only schedule or any other time constraints. So, I started small by making jokes about bratty teenagers stirring up trouble on DeviantART, and even clicked with some of the minor channels; doing some collaboration videos with them as well. Of course, there was a group on YouTube called the YTTrollPolice. In reality, they were just kids stirring up trouble, but they would go far beyond random trolling to DoX threats. I was their first target, and, through the collabs with the others, they went after them. I shut my channel down--the others in the community did as well--, just to avoid the target and threat to our personal safety. Kids or not, we couldn't take any risks. The YYTP kid eventually found me dA and stalked me there, even after his account was banned. Taking my mind off of everything, I went back to drawing and interacting with AAV. Then... I met another user in the FMA fandom. It was a rarity these days, especially since the FMA fandom was slowly starting to die out (mostly because of me, since I was the one who made everyone--including the FMA OC Matriarchy--leave the fandom, never to return again). While I was still hesitant, as well as having those "abandonment fears", I decided "What the heck? It could just be a one-time conversation." Well... it wasn't a one-time conversation. We started talking and chatting on and off from there, and even became friends. I did my best to encourage her, because, well, I was just like her starting out. And, with practice and effort, she'd be flying on her own. Seeing every new piece she made--a HUGE improvement in such a short amount of time--, I felt what I believed to be pride. Not the selfish kind. No, I was proud of her. She looked up to the Matriarchy just like I once did. But... instead of saying anything against them around her, I encouraged her. I made sure that she didn't follow the same path that I did. And, one day, she sends me this excitement-filled note about how the Matriarchy's 2nd-in-Command +watched her and they started getting close. She had done it, and with my recommendations, she became friends with my former friends. Because despite what had happened, they were good people (or so I thought until 2016). Not only that... she also gave me hope. By giving me the name "Saki", she helped me find hope that I could turn around and become better. And, with that hope, we became closer and our friendship grew from there. Of course, with that fear of abandonment still at the back of my mind, I enjoyed our friendship for as long as the amount of time the bomb had on it. Because, at that point, my mind always saw all friendships that way--they were all the same and ended the same. So, it was best to enjoy the present until the inevitable moment when that bomb would go off. Near the end of the year, I received a Note on dA from a user I had never met, seen, or interacted with before. They and their friend had a Joined-channel that talked about brats on DeviantART and made fun of them. This user said that I was one of the ones, who inspired them to get in to the community. I let them know about the situation and why I left; they understood, but we started to chat, and they welcomed me into their group of friends. (For the sake of continuity through this journal, we'll call them "The Group"--Again, keeping it vague for my and my family's safety). We would just have fun chatting, geeking-out, and having streams reading bad fanfictions. During one of those streams, I got a message from a user, who was helping me with updates from the YTTP. According to them, the kid that made the DoX threats and stalked me and the other old users form the Community had the real police called to their house, and they ceased all intent with their "Troll Police" habits. And, like I said in that stream: "Now that they're gone, I think I'm going to start making videos again."

2016:

The beginning marked the year of when the story of The Mustang Conspiracy was put on a hiatus. I had finished Community College with an Associates in Arts and was working on where to go from there, and AAV was in the process of going back to school for her own degree. So, with personal life taking up a bit more of our time, we put the story on the shelf; however, we still worked in our "Creative Workshop" for our characters, for when they would eventually come back. Aside from that, I was working on starting up again on YouTube. I had made two accounts this time: one for my Art/Speedpaints, and the other strictly for "those videos". Posting my drawings, as well as the quality of my art, was an an all-time low; and it would be that way for another year and a half. Had I known that becoming absorbed in the Community at the time would take a huge strike to your art, I wouldn't have thought twice about going back. But, I felt like I could be someone within that Community. After every video, I felt just absolutely amazing. It was like everything I had bottled up for years could all come out full force just in one video. People liked me and supported me, that's what mattered the most. Sure, it wasn't the same like and support I used to feel, but it was support regardless, right? It was best not to complain and be happy with what I had. So, from there, I continued on with making videos. Meanwhile, on DeviantART, I decided to open up commissions. I had only done so here and there when people asked about how much I would charge for (X kind of picture) back in 2013. I wanted to make it more like a professional info sheet, since I was nearing the point where I would be seen as a "professional" (quote unquote; because I didn't--still don't--see my art anywhere close to be seen as "professional" ^^; ). But, I digress... I set up my sheet, and some people from The Group even commissioned art from me. Until mid-May when one of my former friends (one of the ones that left in 2014) began going to my commissioners and saying that I "traced" my commissions. How did I find out about this? One of my "friends" form The Group sent me a message asking if I could get in a call, and she laid out what was going on. My "friend" from The Group was also friends with my commissioner, and they (my "friend" from The Group) was in a message with my former friend via Notes. I explained to my "friend" from The Group about the situation from a few year ago, and (during this time) they had my back (note from present me, this was a bad mistake to do. You DO NOT divulge any information like this to people from The Community. This reason will be explained in the later in this section as well as the 2019 section). Of course, what was I to do? I was a small DeviantArtist with an even smaller YouTube following on both channels. But, I had enough of being treated this way and made a video about my former friend and what was going on presently. To my surprise... the video blew up in just a short amount of months. Many of my other friends came out to say that they agreed with me and had disliked this individual's behavior even before this occurrence. Though, had I known about it at the time, I wouldn't have made a video, I would have filed a lawsuit. Because, in terms of legal definitions, what my former friend was doing was a form of Tortious Interference. Of course, that was a term I didn't know about until early 2019, so there was no way for me to know that what my former friend was doing was a liable court of law offense. But, what was done was done. Of course the Matriarchy found out (go figure; they're all connected to each other). But, regardless of what happened to my former friend, I didn't care. At the time, I felt like she deserved it. Little did I know that that unsympathetic callous feelings was just the beginnings of the toxic environment of the Community getting to me. My channel started to get big really quick, and, looking back now, I see that many of The Group were more than likely upset or jealous of this. Because, in August of that year, they were quick to turn on me instead of sit down and talk things out like friends are supposed to do. They quickly dropped me, started spreading rumors, even went so far as to tell my former friend that I was going to make another video on them. I was labeled as "toxic", had hate-art made of me defaming my character, and they even made an alt account to spam my name in the comments and notes of one of their former friend (because "Saki" is such a "mean-sounding word" apparently...). The time bomb had gone off, but, unlike the other times, I wasn't even ready for it. And, up until the end of the year, I was a mixture of mad an upset, going through all sorts of emotions on the spectrum. How stupid I was to not see that I was falling in with the "Wrong Crowd". How I shouldn't have even attempted to restart my channel. How I shouldn't even have grown close to these groups of people. It would all end the same. It always did. Yet... I wasn't ready for it. Now... 2016 is a year that the majority of people despite, mostly for the results of the USA's Presidential election. Personally, I don't care for politics, but there were other things on my mind that day. See, that morning, the very same day as the election results, I had received a call from my doctor about my recent biopsy's results: Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma--Thyroid Cancer. Sure, it's not as serious a cancer like Breast or Brain, but it was cancer nonetheless. So, I was scheduled to have a total thyroid removal at the end of November, and would be put on a super restricting "iodine diet" for the majority of December that would last through the entire holidays. Christmas Dinner was torture; only able to eat a very small selection of things, while watching my family eat such amazing and delicious foods. The following week, I was quarantined in my room because I was completely radioactive. Despite craving that delicious food from Christmas, I felt like I would throw up if I ate just a cracker. My week of quarantine was was literally nauseating, completely miserable, and, above all else, absolutely boring. I could only entertain myself with my phone, because I didn't want to touch anything else--it would just be more to thoroughly clean immediately after use. January 1st Midnight of 2017 was spent in my room listening to my family excitedly cheer "Happy New Year". Needless to say, out of all the years this decade, 2016 was the worst.

2017:

With the residuals of what occurred between The Group and I gradually sputtered to stop, I took the time to stay off the internet a little and focus on my real life. I had to do something with my life. I know what I wanted to do with it. But, the thought of my parents not agreeing with my decision and not being proud of me held me back far too much. Despite having an Associates in Arts and wanting to go in a field that was about The Arts, my parents' (mother's) constant comments of: "Digital Art Degrees are a hit or miss when it comes to getting a job", "You'll never make it out in the Art field", "They're called 'starving artists' for a reason", and then she would proceed to offer ideas for jobs that required either a Science degree or a Medical degree. And... I believed her. Through her constant comments, she had coaxed me to reluctantly work to something she wanted me to be. I mean, she was right: I needed to find a job that would support myself financially, and if getting a Graphic Arts Degree wouldn't do that, then, well, I wasted 4 years of my life in Community College. So, with my mind thinking "Back to Square One", I set out to look for a part-time job. And, in February, I did. It was a short-shift job, but it paid a decent amount to get by for a while. Meanwhile, I paid less time online; only making a few videos for my channel now and then, but also wanting to get my Art/Speedpaint Channel off the ground with videos that are years old (and videos that, to this day, I still have yet to edit and post), as well as posting art when I could (once or twice a month). There wasn't much else that was eventful for the rest of the year; not until a week before Christmas. On our home's doorstep was a package from Amazon that contained an "Adult Coloring Book" titled: Calm the F*ck Down and a pack of Prisma Coloring pencils (which, by the way are not a cheap brand of pencils). Who had sent it, we weren't sure. I know I hadn't ordered it, and I didn't have an Amazon account at the time, so the assumption of it being on my "Wish-list" was out of the question. But, it was a week before Christmas, so it was probably from an out-of-state relative. Little did I know that the individual, who sent it was not either of the two, but someone who I had known, yet hadn't met in real life. And their reasons for sending me the package? Malicious, devious, and text-book level of a psycho. I wouldn't know the identity of said person for another two years. All in all, this year brought new people for me to befriend and meet as well. Of course, after everything that happened, I was very very hesitant to pursue friendships with them. What was the point anyway? They would all end the same. At this point, I had already begun to accept who I was: A narcissistic, selfish, heartless, backstabbing, toxic, indifferent annoyance, harassing, ungrateful, apathetic, hurtful, manipulative, bullying, dramatic, sensitive, arrogant, petty, spiteful, over dramatic, drama whore, lying, shady, sociopathic bitch. People don’t change. I can't change no matter what. But, that’s okay. I’ve come to accept it. And I'll keep doing my best to protect everyone else that I care about—those very VERY small few that are left. The more I can protect from getting close and affected by the monster, the better. Nobody in this world deserves more of that. I tossed those Placebo-Effect pills away, so I could stop lying to myself once and for all that "I changed" and "I'm a better person now". There was no way that, after all that happened, that was true. There's no point in denying it or hiding anymore. I am who I am. I don't like it, but that's just the way things are, and I will forever be that person--No. I'm not even human after all that I've done. I'm a monster, and I'll be that way forever. My Cancer wasn't able to get rid of everyone else's suffering--suffering by the fact that I exist--, and I wouldn't be able to give them that release and make things right once and for all.

2018:

At the cusp of this year around January-February, I had noticed that the friend in the FMA fandom (the one who had given me my new name as well as hope to become better), hadn't been interacting with much as she used to. I found it strange, and I didn't want to assume anything, so I messaged her via Tumblr and asked if I did anything to upset her. Because, after the knee-jerk reactions of the Community, I had come to prefer talking things out with an individual and fix problems in a civil manner. Well, we did talk things out in a civil manner. But, long story short, she didn't want to be friends with my anymore. Her reason: Because she didn't want me to make a Video about her. Where did she come up with that reason? I never made any mention of it to her, and the only reason why I made the videos on my former friends because they actually did something to me and were going out of their way to commit Defamation per Se and Tortious Interference--among basic libel and slander. She had done nothing to me that would make me want to even consider making a video on her. However, despite my best efforts of trying to reassure her, I eventually had to reluctantly respect her wishes and let her go. We un-watched each other, and that was that. But, something was odd... Not only did he un-watch me, but also blocked me. Un-watching, I could understand. But blocking as well? That didn't make any sense... After months of having the worry drive me insane, I eventually came to the realization that tore my apart. I didn't want to believe it, but, after analyzing everything that occurred, nothing else made sense except what I had realized. She was USING me. She was only friends (and "litter sister" to the 2nd-in-Command) with the entire Matriarchy because of me. And what thanks did I get? NOTHING! She gave me false hope that I could change and be better--lying through her teeth the entire time. Not only that... she PRETENDED to be my friend. Like everyone else, she knew my weak spot: Friendship. All that mattered to me. Having the support group to escape to when my parents (mother) didn't give me any and tried to drag me away from the things I loved and enjoyed. They knew it. She knew it--it was her plan all along, wasn't it?! She used me. She. USED. Me. Slept her way to the top, so to speak, without any effort; just rode along on my coat tails until she had no use for me anymore. ...And I was stupid to fall for her feigned innocence and let her get away with it. I stupidly turned around, thinking nothing of the situation until she plunged her knife deep enough to the hilt right through me. ...I know that's an extreme jump to conclusions, but what else was I supposed to think? I thought I was numb after all the other things I had to go through in the previous years. But, after what she did... I couldn't remember a time where I went through that much pain; pain that lasted for months afterwards. Meanwhile, in the real world, I was taking each day by day and doing my best to act as normal as I could around family, despite everything that occurred/was occurring online. I quite my part-time job, and spent the summer looking for a better one; eventually landing a full-time job (my current one) that paid really well and had good benefits. Sure, it took a lot of time away from working on art, especially when the Holidays came around and there was so much overtime I was working between 55 and 60 hours per week. I tried to manage as much as I could with my online status and stay as active as I could though, even if my quality of art never increased because of the lack of motivation and little time I had in between with work in order to put some art together.

2019:

And, now we come to the final year of the decade. I focused more and more on my art and developing it enough to where I became a better Mimicker Artist. Even though there have been many more times where I had to politely put others down when they remarked about "[my] style"; it was a similar reply I would have to make to comments like those before. Other than that, though, there were many ups and downs, like there were every year. Midway through 2019, I met some new individuals, who had left when the Community became too toxic, and got in a call with one of the former friends of The Group (We'll call this individual "J"). Through the call, which lasted about 3-4 hours--there was a lot they had to unpack and let me know--, J informed me of everything The Group was saying and doing behind closed doors on Discord. Even going so far as to get their (former) connection, who had easy access to the Deep and Dark Web, to go after people they they didn't like. One of those people, included myself. Remember when I mentioned that Amazon package I received during Christmas of 2017? It was them. Their reason: "Make [me] so stressed out to the point that [my] cancer comes back in a more severe case and kills [me]." The moment J told me that, I let everyone in the call know that I had to step away for a minute. Then, I muted my mic, and promptly went to the bathroom to throw up. Even if it was way passed midnight after the call ended, I couldn't get any sleep because I was shaking so bad. These people--people, who third-party viewers call "drama whores"--, were more than just that. "Drama whore" was a huge understatement. These people... were psychos. Thankfully, they hadn't done anything else since then (Especially since their little Deep Web friend stopped interacting with them and The Group is against him now). But even so, the fact that these people went out of their way to have me killed just because I was making fun of them for being immature and stupid... it was more than just the epitome of "insane". Who does something like that? Who thinks that the way to "get back" at someone for making fun of you on the internet is to have them killed? Again, thankfully, nothing else has happened since then; but, of course, if it does, I'm calling the police. Back in the real world, I managed to sway my parents to let me go to an Art-Collage. Sure, had I let in on the fact that I wanted to go into Theater or Graphic Arts, they (Mom) would have shot it down immediately and gave me the speech I always got. So, I managed to settle on a Film Degree, which was more like my Plan C (a field that still interested me, but not 100% what I loved), still mostly out of the fear that they wouldn't accept me for a field that I actually wanted to go into. And, for the majority of 2020, I'll be working on saving up to attend that school; hopefully able to get some grants or scholarships so that I won't have to worry about paying the rest of my share after the FAFSA amount is taken out. At the end of the day, and year, at least AAV and I are still as close as ever, and I wouldn't trade her for anything else in the world. I've said it before and I'll say it again: life isn't worth living without her. She's all that I have left in this world that matters. She's the only one I can trust that won't leave or abandon me. To this day, it still baffles me that she didn't drop me and leave, like the others had, when we had our first petty spat. So, if anyone could be considered a "true friend", it would be her. Of course, I still can't get close to others, and I wouldn't even dare try to attempt a new friendship. I try to be nice and civil when others ask: "Can we be friends?" I give them the short explanation of why I can't get close to others anymore, and, luckily, they understand. I know it's wrong, and I should give people a chance, but, after all that's happened, I can't risk anything.

Anyway, so that's my entire Decade in review. It's crazy to think how long it's been since then and how much has happened... The years and events may have changed, but I and everyone else haven't. I know I certainly haven't. Like I mentioned in 2017, I began to accept who I was, and eventually fully accepted it through the entirety of the next year. And, like they have been for almost 10 years, my thoughts never changed on the Matriarchy, and it absolutely disgusts me whenever they (especially the 2nd-in-Command) acts mature and friendly for "brownie points", and saying lies like: "...inspiring others from a healthy approach to pursue whatever they aim for, because it can definitely be achieved. ..." (Not to mention that she has no idea what having an actual reason for anxiety feels like). Well, there's one thing I can agree with her on... there's people that I used to look up to that I shouldn't have. That includes her and the rest of the FMA OC Matriarchs. Because those people are nothing more than self-entitled, immature, holier-than-thou individuals, who act like their word is law, everyone else is lower than dirt underneath them, and use their mob mentality on others for some stupid petty "block brigade" on Tumblr just because someone doesn't like their OC with Ed. Even when I was a small barely-100-watcher DeviantArtist, I saw them all and their true colors and thought that way of them. 10 years later, and my mind still hasn't changed. Because people don't change, no matter how badly they want to--I'm a bright and shining example of that. My goal concerning them is the same that it's always been: "Knock [them] off their thrones." My mind hasn't changed about them. And I still wholeheartedly believe that what they did, have done, are doing is NOT the right thing to do. And I will keep working my tail off until I surpass them and take them down a peg. No one that "looks up to" you should be treated in the ways that they have done over the years. If you're looked up to, be an actual adult for once as well as a good role model. Of course, I am far from being the latter. Little me from 2010 might look at my art and say: "Wow!" But, I just have to say in response: "Kid... forget all you know about art. Go get a degree in the medical or science field. You don't want to go down the path I had to take." Present-Day "Me" isn't someone that 2010 "Me"--or anyone else for that matter--should look up to. I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm a "lost cause" after all, and I'm not someone that should be seen as "inspirational". Not after the things I've done and said over the years. And, through this entire decade, I began to see that the world is nothing more than a dark and cruel place full of people, who will turn against you the moment you disagree with them or abandon you when they have no use for you anymore. (That's not me being "edgy" -__- That's me being realistic). But, then again... had I not pursued this path and found the FMA fandom, I never would have met my best friend, AAV. She's the highlight of every New Year in my life, and, while the world may seem bleak to me the majority of the time... she finds a way to light it up in her own special way. So, even through these ups and downs, I'm happy to have her in my life. She means everything to me, and I wouldn't trade anything else in the world for her. No, we're not a couple--like many have assumed and publicly stated on that rumor--, she and I are just friends. Best friends, yes, but friends nonetheless. But, other than that, I'm going to keep working on art here on dA, because, with this new decade, there will be a new batch of up-and-coming artists. And, while I don't really think I'm someone worth looking up to, I still want to help them work on their craft and make something of themselves. Even if that one former friend used me for her personal benefit... I still enjoyed seeing how happy she was once she was able to start flying on her own, so to speak. It was an amazing feeling, and, knowing that I helped someone achieve that, I just can't help but feel so proud of them. And, I really want to help other beginner artists out and climb up their own mountain. It's okay if some aren't as fast learners as the others; it's the lessons we learn along the way and the mistakes we make to learn from. Anyway... here's to 2020 everyone!

#long post #You Know Who You Are #ironic how within just the few first months of this year.... everything goes downhill xD #Welp. It's always best to get the negative stuff done and over with at the beginning #better to start bad than end bad #madiis musings

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uniformbravo · 7 years ago

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ffuckcingn Part 2 where i talk more abt resolutions But This Time Writing

some resolutions in terms of Not Drawing. non art related goals. i really want to start writing again? like, definitely not as serious as art, this is like a personal enjoyment kind of thing, like a hobby? idk i guess it doesn’t matter really but ok basically, i have all those millions of documents in my phone right. all the thousands of fic ideas that i have but can’t get myself to write? i want to. write them,,

not all of them, probably definitely not all of them but i mean, i made this to-do list for myself, because i kind of have this thing i do that’s basically become tradition at this point where at the end of every semester im always scrambling to get finals done and while im doing that i get The Procrastination Urge where i suddenly get super excited to do everything that isn’t my homework, so i write it all down in a to-do list for after finals week is over & then i have Goals for the break in between semesters so i have stuff to do instead of just taking a thousand week-long depression naps, right. i mean, whether i actually ever do the things on my lists is another matter entirely but The Point Is i make them and i have them & on the most recent list one of the items is “write at least one fic & post it”

which i feel like is a pretty decent goal? with the number of fucking ideas i have crammed into my phone’s limited memory it’s not like i’ll exactly be wracking my brain for ideas, and i do genuinely enjoy writing, it’s just. my problem with writing in recent years has been mostly a lack of the required energy & motivation it takes to write out a full story, and i always just attributed that to depression, which is. partly true. i mean it’s fuckin valid as fuck but i think i’ve also come to realize that the reason it takes so much energy for me to write is because i’m a huge perfectionist when it comes to writing

like, im a perfectionist in general, and i’ll get all hard on myself about art too, but i feel like i have a much higher standard for my writing and That’s a big ol’ problem because my current skill level is way below that standard unless i push myself to my limit, which is where the massive energy suck comes from which is why i never write

i’ve seen some very good art advice before which is “let your drawings suck.” you can’t get better if u don’t crank out a bunch of shitty drawings first, etc. etc. and like, i never thought to apply that to writing too??? i’ve always been so caught up in, like, the concept of good writing; i feel like i know what makes a good story and i know the kinds of things to avoid and i know the principles of a successful narrative, but actually trying to put that knowledge into practice, getting into the details and each specific building block of a story is an entirely different process

it’s the difference between visualizing a painting & then actually painting it. it never comes out exactly how you pictured it because you never know what it’s gonna look like before you make it, you can’t know because it doesn’t exist yet. things happen in the process of making it, a multitude of factors influence you as you’re working on it, you know, things you couldn’t have predicted.

what i’m getting at is that me feeling like i know how to write doesn’t mean i actually know how to write and because i thought i knew how to write i felt like anything less than perfect writing was unacceptable because come on, you know this, you can do better than this, and i’ve let that hold me back for uh. a very long time

because the other way i’ve been looking at writing is. there is no sketching. with drawing, you have doodles, sketches and finished pieces. the way i was looking at it, writing is always the finished piece, so it always has to be polished and flawless, and i think part of that might be just the general way people seem to view writing, that it’s either Good or Bad, right. art is fine because everybody’s at a different skill level, everybody’s learning, but when people read something it’s always about “are they in character is the dialogue believable is the plot engaging is the vocabulary descriptive enough etc etc” and if it doesn’t meet most or all of those criteria then it’s a Bad Fic and it’s not worth their time

(which, side-note, i suppose the most significant reason for the difference between people’s attitude towards art vs writing would be the amount of time it takes to consume each one, right)

so i’ve always put this pressure on myself to write to the absolute best of my ability (and then some) or else it was shitty, embarrassing, things like that. and now that i’ve taken enough steps back to realize this, i want my new attitude towards my writing to be just. whatever happens happens. if you’re writing, then you’re practicing, and if you’re practicing, then you’re improving. anything is better than just letting ideas rot because you’re paralyzing yourself with a standard so high there’s no point in even trying to reach it. why try to scale a fuckin 50 ft wall when u can take the stairs, u know?

so this year im just gonna let myself write shitty stories & have as much fun with it as i can & not worry about making it perfect because literally 6 years went by because i wanted it to be perfect & i have fuckin jack shit to show for it. im just gonna Do it

and for my final resolution, along those same lines, i want to work on comics this year. i feel like comics are the ultimate combination of art and writing, at least for me. i need to know how to structure a story as well as put visuals to it, get a lot better at visual storytelling. i want to get a feel for how to lay out panels and how to pace things so that the story flows smoothly while remaining engaging and hitting all the beats it needs to, and just. idk i feel like such a beginner when it comes to comics and if that’s something i really want to do then i need to get started on really learning it, you know?

something that i feel like was helping me was actually redrawing pages of comics that i like; it’s one thing to study a comic by reading it & paying attention to things like layout and borders, but when i started redrawing a page of mp100, for example, i really got a close-up sense of what it’s like to actually... do it. because if you’re actually drawing the thing out for yourself, you can’t skip any details accidentally because you have to pay attention to everything if you want to replicate it accurately (or at least you have to see what’s going on in the original to be able to change it to whatever you want to change it to)

so i think this year im gonna do more comic studies, redraw some pages from my faves to see what’s really going on, and hopefully become more familiar with the process of making comics. i also want to making short comics of my own, which is where the storytelling comes in- the more creative elements as opposed to the technical aspects. i’ve had a few ideas for short comics in the past but i haven’t actually made them for a similar reason to the whole writing thing. just perfectionism in general. i need to let myself make shitty comics to be able to get to the good ones, so like. practice. experimentation. all that kind of stuff

anyway that’s pretty much it for resolutions this year? at least anything relating to art & writing. there are some that im confident i can do and some that im feeling a little shakier about but im at least willing to give them a shot and hopefully by the end of the year i’ll have made progress i can be proud of

#retag later #talkin bout stuff #resolutions n shit #hmm theres more smaller resolutions that i felt like didn't fit into this post but that's ok #mainly i just wanted to say i'm gonna try to be more active on yt as in posting more often than every 2 months #still not weekly uploads but at /least/ monthly would be nice. every 2 weeks would be fantastic #& then for piano i wanna try to get better at recording my shit. not messing up as much. just getting better in general

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todokori-kun · 7 years ago

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The

queen is back and I’m so freaking happy <3

‘annoyed’ nothing you say is annoying ok, I’m actually just really relieved and happy that I’m helping in any way at all. Also you listen to my rambling all the time and you supported me with my anxiety (you have no idea how much our convos helped after I first saw a doctor about it and was feeling really confused about what to do) so ‘what did I do to deserve you’ is probably what I should be saying to you.

Tbh when things are as serious as you’ve described then you’re definitely not overreacting. Like I said before, I’m always ready to listen/talk when you need to. And you don’t have to stress about replies; I honestly don’t mind at all as long as you’re ok.

Thank you Queen Luna you’re the best ;-;

Also, good news and bad news:

Bad news- A bit after I sent the last message mom apparently found out about Tumblr and decided that I probably shouldn’t get an account here because of all the NSFW content. I get why she’s worried so I guess I won’t be getting an account here for a while.

Good news- HOWEVER, I was chatting with someone on ao3 and they asked if we could move our convo somewhere else. They recommended something called Discord so I got an account there. If you’ve never heard of Discord it’s basically a voice and text chat system usually used by gamers, but it seems to be pretty popular among non-gamers too. PMing is possible there :D (The only flaw is that you can’t send very long messages, so you have to send multiple short ones, which is a bit annoying…but otherwise it’s pretty neat so maybe we can try it if you’re ok with that?)

XD yeah that’s actually pretty accurate.

*reads Luna’s message*

*inhale*

UM. DO YOU HAvE ANY IDEA HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. LET ME TRY TO BE A GOOD, SUPPORTIVE FRIEND AND TELL YOU

Yep it was one of the grossest things that ever happened to me OTL I’m still swimming but I’m taking a long break right now- a break that started because my little sister broke her toe and we were basically stuck at home taking care of her (the pool is a bit far for me to go on my own so if mom’s stuck at home so am I), and then got longer because the pool’s old and some things had to be ‘fixed’, and then got even longer because my coach is getting married (just reread that and realized that I sound super annoyed, I’m actually not, I have no problem with my coach getting married XD). I’ll probably start again around next month, though :)

Thanks ^^

Oooh are you a comic fan??? I haven’t read any superhero comics because there seem to be so many AUs(?)/different timelines so trying to figure out where to start is really confusing, plus I actually sorta prefer manga/manhwa art styles (not that wester comics are bad- a lot of them have really good art too, I just personally prefer the manga/manhwa styles (especially for the panels). Also the ecchi-ish costumes/anatomy for almost every single female superhero gets a bit ridiculous sometimes lol). Some of them seem really fun, though, and I’d like to try them out someday…

It’s really cool that you’ve been a fan of T'challa for so long, it must’ve been even more exciting to see him in the movie :D

Imagine everyone watching The Winter Soldier together. Then the 'brainwashed bucky’ scenes start.

Illumi: *stares intently at the screen*

Illumi: I see no problem with this.

Watching Civil War and Leorio goes Dad Mode and covers Gon’s and Killua’s eyes when Hisoka starts making…innappropriate…noises during the fight scenes

(Hisoka low-key writing reader insert lemons about various MCU heroes. Most likely Natasha (because she’s a lot like Machi, his only female crush so far), Bruce (how Hisoka would love to unleash the beast), Thor (he’s a literal GOD imagine how badly he could mess Hisoka up *schwing*), Wanda, and Vision (he probably liked Loki too before Loki got beat up by the Hulk and Hisoka was like ‘oh I have a new senpai’)

Then Illumi gets Milluki (his tech genius little brother) to hack into Hisoka’s computer for info and is like 'what is this Hisoka I do not understand why you derive pleasure from this trash’)

Everyone thinks Gon should relate to Tony on a personal level but he doesn’t, because despite being a sunshine angel he’s also a freaking weird kid who doesn’t hate Ging. At all. (Though that might have something to do with the fact that he doesn’t even consider Ging his parent in the first place; he never even calls him 'dad’ or 'my father’)

Killua, on the other hand, relates to Bucky a bit too much and thinks HYDRA is basically the Zoldyck family.

Everybody’s Team Cap except for Illumi, who’s Team Iron Man (“Why would you want to break the rules?”), and then Hisoka randomly shows up like 'Team Hulk ;)’

Every time Howard Stark is mentioned everyone just stares at Ging, who shifts uncomfortably

(Yeah did I tell you about the time Leorio punched Ging for being a trash dad?)

OMG. Thank you for that. I’ve seen a lot of 'Hisoka as the clown from the 'It’ movie’ posts on tumblr but never any fanart for that idea. Run, Gon. Run.

I’m considering teaching myself to animate just to make those animatics XD

(Also, random thing: it’s Chuseok over here (basically like the Korean version of Thanksgiving, I guess?) and usually, people recieve money from older relatives during holidays like this in Korea. I got about 80 dollars (50 from my maternal grandparents, 10 from my paternal grandfather and 20 from my uncle) so I’m debating on what to spend it on: It’s either a tablet so I can learn how to do digital art (I’m thinking about polishing my drawing skills for a while and then making a webcomic. My parents support this so they’re willing to pay a little extra for a tablet) or a ukulele (I like the piano but I realized a while ago that it’d be great to have an instrument that I can carry around, so I did some research and the ukulele seems good. I really like the sound so I’m willing to put some effort into learning it). Idk which one I should choose, though. Technically the tablet should be my priority but I also like the ukulele…

(and idek why I mentioned this either, guess the talk about animating reminded me of the tablet lol))

I thrive on angst. Tragedy fuels me. (But tbh HxH is a LOT darker than I was prepared for. I’m currently shipping an ant king with a genius human girl and I know from spoilers that they’re both going to die)

Yeah, she’s alive :D but apparently Kaneki is now 'dead’ (though I don’t think he is really, if Ishida kills him off now (after all the stuff with Hide? All the character development Ken hasn’t gotten yet? When he still hasn’t talked about anything with Shuu or Hinami or even Akira?) and gives us a new protagonist or something I might finally rage-quit this series.

Or not, since with all the Touken stuff and Kaneki being sorta insensitive ever since he became the OEK…maybe a new protagonist is what we need?). I was liking all the parallels with Arima in the first series until this, because it was just…um. I think my main problem with the whole thing is the freakng PACING because it just feels so clunky and awkward. This is probably one of those chapters that will be really good if Ishida somehow manages to connect it with the next chapters and has everything make sense later, but if he doesn’t do it well it’s going to suck forever OTL

At least TG finally confirmed Naki’s death, though. I mean, the ideal situation for me is if he never died in the first place, but at least a confirmed death is better than Ishida suddenly bringing him back to life after that panel with Yamori. And his death scene was handled well. (Now please just tell me that he, Kanae and Hairu aren’t coming back as Kanou-Furuta zombies and I will be semi-satisfied)

Also AOT if you haven’t read the new chapter yet spoilers but

(The-Reiner-Eren reunion I HAVE WAITED SO. LONG FOR THIS

Also Eren’s grandad ;-;

And maybe we’ll finally be seeing Annie again soon since she’s been appearing in so many flashbacks and Reiner’s probably going to ask about her if he and Eren get to actually talk

Love those hints about something finally starting to change

ANOTHER PERSON FROM MIKASA’S CLAN? I hope we see this lady again, she’s lovely

I can’t believe how much the art has improved, it actually looks GOOD now 0.0)

Aw, that’s ok! I’ll be looking forward to seeing it when you get a new skirt :D

Yeah, I’m really excited for OC’s name too…must be something important if they’re keeping it hidden for this long. I guess it’s French (or a word from some other non-English language) since 'Ciel’ is French for 'Sky’…and it probably has a meaning related to the sky since they’re twins. Idk. Maybe it’s the word for 'star’ ('etoile’) since stars are also a big thing in this arc?

Looking forward to your reaction! I haven’t read the novel yet but from what I know it sounds great :D (also I cannot resist the L + Naomi duo even if they never actually interacted in manga/anime canon)

Btw, is it ok if I ask how far you’ve gotten with the DN anime?

(Also fun fact: Ryuk was originally designed to look like a handsome young man (an 'attractive rock star’, in the words of DN’s creators. You can find a pic of his original design on google). His design was changed because the creators felt like he was overshadowing Light XD

But also, I just found a post on tumblr that said Takeshi Obata (DN’s artist) mentioned that Ryuk’s face in canon could just be a mask to hide his true appearance…which means that he could technically still look like that in canon. Wow. I actually think I have the book where it says Obata mentioned that, I have to go and check it now lol)

Watch it if you dare and prepare to weep over all the wasted potential, because now that I read/watch more about it I guess the saddest thing is that it COULD have been great. I mean, like I said, the visuals are REALLY good, L’s actor could have been a good L if not for the bad script, Ryuk’s actor/design were also super great (it’s just his role in the movie and his motivations they messed up ;-;)…

I don’t watch Avatar (I’d like to when I have the time, though, because it seems like a great show) but I’ve heard of that movie and tbh I can’t even.

Ty :D (Ayy the queen said I’d make a cute Peridot *fangirls*

You’re also my closest friend right now and I love talking to you so much <3 thank you for everything Luna.)

See this is why you’re awesome. Thank you so much ;-; (and what, did Queen Luna mention me to her parents. Did I make a good impression. Omg. (jk, jk lol))

Also: I’d like to rec a song to you, it’s called 'Lovely’ by Twenty One Pilots :D

Oh look I actually replied within a week :’)

OK ILL START W DISORD BC IM EXCITE. I already have one, from a while ago, my # is 5773! So add me whenever you want ^^ ((But please just send me a short message here, cause I turned notifs off for it, so i can turn them on again ^^)) Well, uh, here’s the thing about short messages. If a site/app has an instant message feature, you can bet I’ll be the one to split a sentence into 10 separate messages for dramatic effect… So, uh, prepare to have 42 new messages instead of like 4 waiting when you open the app ^^

I never ever ever have any problems with listening to you. I just appreciate you’re comfortable enough with me to be able to come to me. Honestly, I truly appreciate you in my life, especially considering that you can always reassure me with your words ^^ Truly a writer’s talent :p

Well, I’m going to a psychologist soon, so we’ll see what they’ll say. Idk tho, I dont think I even care anymore. I just want this stomach thing to pass as soon as possible.

Ouch, I hope your sister is better now… I’ve never broken anything so I wouldn’t know the feeling. Aww, coaches getting married is actually the cutest thing ever XD My archery coach got married a few years back and she was practically glowing. Ah, if you don’t mind me asking, do you have a particular stroke you specialise in or do you just swim everything?

I could say the same about comic/manga styles. Tbh, I don’t really consider myself a comic fan? When I was a kid, I used to buy the children’s comics to ward off boredom, but never really continued after I got into reading actual books. Black Panther happened to be among those comics and I remembered him when they mentioned T’Challa in CW. I wonder if i still have those old comics somewhere… But yeah, i was pretty excited when they mentioned him XD

That viewing actually sounds amazing… I get the feeling they’d all want to do an in depth analyzation of the characters? (But idk i don’t really know the characters that well) except for Hisoka, who’s probably just schwinging around being creepy per usual. I’m torn between wanting to read those lemons and just backing the fuck away…. Probably read like a paragraph and then set everything on fire. Yeah, that sounds good.

I presume you’re not gonna watch IT? Random, but i thought of it bc of the fanart… Tbh I won’t watch it either. I’ve never watched a single horror movie in my life and i intend to keep it that way. Unless you count Coraline as horror, which I actually would in some ways? Idk tho, that movie traumatised me. Not even joking when I say I occasionally have nightmares related to it. Advice; if you haven’t, DO NOT WATCH CORALINE. Don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s a cartoon. I mean 9 is a cartoon, but it’s also freaking dark. HAPPY TREE FRIENDS IS A CARTOON AND I WOULDNT TOUCH THE VIDEOS WITH A 9 FOOT POLE. Long story short, cartoons are not a joke.

For some reason I confused the Ukulele with a Lute and was like ‘I’m not gonna judge, but… why?’ then i actually googled it and realised I’m an idiot. But, um, I can’t say anything other than it’s your choice and you should do whatever would make you happier? There’s that trick of throwing a penny in the air and if you’re disappointed when it lands heads/tails, you know you want the other one. Idk, tho, both options sound equally nice!

… HxH gets weirder every time you tell me about it

KANEKI IS WHAT NOW Um, okay then.... alrighty...

guess who dropped TG again

WELL FUCK IM SCREAMING ABOUT THE NEW CHAPTER WHOAH EREN’T GRAMPA WHOAH THE REUNION However, the best part is Reiner acting like a dad during the festival

Oooh Etoile would be interesting!

I’m still at the ep where L dies ;-; I haven’t had the time to move forward, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to watch some during this weekend

Well, uh. My mom came into my room while I was writing this and had to ask me why i was crying (I’m pretty sure she thought I was having one of my all-time-lows again). The reason why I was actually crying? The song. Words can’t express my gratitude. I’d download it, but tbh I feel like I’ll start ugly sobbing again every time I listen to it...

random note, i started going to school by train! It’s actually a lot nicer than the bus and cheaper XD Idk why i put this here but yay

#evans #submission

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