#i have no time this week for anything bigger than this
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Michael chuckled and sat in a nearby chair. He was obviously too tall for it, and the size difference was almost comical.
Michael: Now now, brother. Where's the fun in that? Besides, I doubt you'd hear me all the way up here.
Adam tensed as Michael's gaze shifted from Lucifer to him.
Michael: Adam. I like the new look. I had a feeling you'd be more bird like, it suits you.
Qdam: I- really? You think so?
Michael: Oh, definitely. And I see I have more nieces and nephews. I would have appreciated a card to inform me of their birth, but I don't expect such things of you anymore, Lucifer. Too used to your own company to remember anyone else.
Lucifer glared: I like to keep these things private, Michael.
Michael: Oh yes. I know. I trust the pregnancy wasn't to rough on you, Adam.
Adam: Uh- this litter was a bit bigger, so that was a struggle. But Lucifer was a big help.
Michael: As he should be. Well, now. Looking at your size, you should more than be able to carry a full litter. I'm assuming you two are far from finished populating the earth.
Lucifer: Brother, please-.
Adam: Far from it!
Michael smiled: Very good. I'm pleased to hear it. Your children are always so darling, aren't they? Now, brother. I've heard a few rumours through the grapevine I'm sure you would like to hear about.
Lucifer raised an eyebrow: Oh? What rumours?
Michael: ...Father is up to something.
Lucifer sighed: When isn't he. Is that really it, Michael?
Michael smirked: Aren't you impatient. And here I thought you'd want to know every detail and whereabouts of the man who wants to turn your children and mate into fertiliser. But no, I guess not.
Lucifer growled and crawled over to Michael, getting into his face. He rose himself to his full height, trying to intimidate his older brother.
Lucifer: Watch what you say, brother. Now, tell me what he's up to.
Michael smiled up at his brother, clearly not intimidated. Adam remembered that the first time he met Michael. As he left, his form changed into something more monstrous. It sent chills down Adam's spine just recalling it.
But he thinks there's more to Michael than he shows. He tries to appear more human, but Adam knows better. He always has an uncomfortable feeling looking at him. He's kind enough, but Adam can't help but feel there's something else just beneath the surface.
Michael: Oh, calm down before you make a fool of yourself. I believe father is planning on putting an end to your union with Adam. I've noticed a few things in the forest. The animals had disappeared a few weeks ago, like they knew something was here. Then, a few days ago, they returned.
Lucifer: How interesting, anything else?
Adam: Lu. Let him speak.
Michael: Thank you, Adam. As I was saying. A few days ago, the animals returned. Mainly deer and boars. Some rabbits. But their different. Their like a cheap mimic, and that mimic doesn't know how these animals moved or walked. I hunted a deer a day or so ago, and it attacked. It even started to change, but I killed it before that happened. It's not safe here, Lucifer. I believe father is making this location as deadly as possible, so when the time comes for him to strike, you and Adam will be outnumbered.
Adam: I'm one of you now- I can protect them, your dad shouldn't hate me now, right?
Michael sighed: I'm sorry, Adam. But father... he knows you were human. He'll see this as a mockery of our species. He's even gathering out siblings, Lucifer. Telling them lies about Adam, deadly lies. Turning them against him... Azael and Uriel are already geared up for a fight. A big one. They wouldn't tell me what was happening. It seems I've been shunned for the most part.
Lucifer: Shit... what do you suggest?
Michael: Well, that's the smartest question you've asked all year! You run, brother. Take your children, and run... but, at this stage, you'll be a danger to them.
Lucifer: I'm not leaving him.
Michael: I know. I wasn't directing that to you.
Lucifer slowly turned to Adam who was staring at Michael.
Adam: ...I'm the danger. I'm putting them in danger.
Michael: ...Unfortunately.
Monster under the bed au where Lucifer is a monster and "terrorizing" Adam?
And by terrorizing, I mean fucking. Grossly. Disgustingly.
Complete monster porn.
Oh no, are my kinks coming out again? Oh well 😉
🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵
Don't tease me with a hot au lol
Oh, what if Adam bought a new house and that's when it starts?
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★ MARRIED LIFE ( 부승관 )
genre fluff , established marriage , husband!seungkwan x fem!reader cw none wc 705 request no note for my beloved rania @wheeboo happy birthday!!! officially two decades old, what a grandma (but an iconic one) skdjsk anyway i hope you enjoy this and i love you very much <33 net @kstrucknet
Seungkwan liked keeping himself busy. Waking up at the crack of dawn and starting work almost immediately (though, not before he gets his hand on an iced americano), was his usual routine. He liked his routine. He liked keeping busy. Whether it was keeping his mind off of anything hard in his life, or the satisfaction of getting work done; Seungkwan worked relentlessly, and he never stopped.
As for breaks, they were nice at times when everything got a little overwhelming, but he never really craved one. Seungkwan found himself bored if left alone. He’d always drag one of his friends into doing something with him, even during a break. Who could blame him? He lived for the fun of life.
But it was only after he had met you, dated for years, and finally tied the knot that he truly started to yearn for time off. His friends first thought he was going crazy when he was the first to suggest getting off work early. The workaholic wanting to stop working was never a good sign. But Soonyoung was the one to catch on first. Seungkwan was a newlywed husband, after all.
The teasing he endured just for wanting to go back home to you was immense.
But he forgot all about it as soon as he stepped foot into the house that he had bought with you, the one that you had quickly made feel like a home, despite it being a little unfamiliar to you both still. The hours he had spent trying to get himself to focus on work and not think about you every second paid off the second he returned to you.
You didn’t mind that the few days after your wedding were nothing grand or out of the ordinary, and instead enjoyed the simple task of waiting for him to get back from work. With Seungkwan being such a big celebrity, even keeping your marriage under wraps was a task itself. You were content to wait until he had some time off to go on a bigger trip for your official honeymoon. Until then, it wasn’t like any of the excitement and affection from the wedding day had worn off.
It was clear in the way you ran into his arms as soon as he had closed the door behind him. Clear in the way he pulled you into a kiss immediately, the sweet taste of cherry on your lips finding its way to his tongue. Clear in your satisfied hums in between his fervent kisses and the way his grip on your waist grew tighter, pulling you ever closer.
The newlywed elation certainly hadn’t been dampened in the past week, no matter how long Seungkwan was cooped up at work, the amount of teasing he was sure to hear from his group mates, or the number of hours you had to wait for his return. Everything fell exactly in its proper place as soon as you were back in Seungkwan’s arms, and you relished every bit of warmth that his hold held.
It was strange how significant the shift had been from dating to being married. Everything felt new and exciting, but at the same time, it was all comfortable and familiar as it always had the past few years.
Everytime you looked at the ring on your finger, you were reminded all over again of the exact reason why you had fallen in love with Seungkwan in the first place. Nothing made you happier or prouder than to be able to call yourself his wife, although you couldn’t quite compete with Seungkwan’s pride whenever he reminded anyone he was now a married man.
And, perhaps married life had changed him, even in just a few days. The man who barely knew how to relax and spend vacation time now craved to spend every single hour with you. Though, Seungkwan supposed he did have the rest of his life by your side to savour.
But would that amount of time be enough to suffice? Seungkwan wasn’t quite sure. What he did know was that he would spend the rest of eternity with you just as you were now, even if at the end he still wanted more.
svt taglist (bolded could not be tagged): @kangtaehyunzzz,, @eternalgyu,, @ddeonudepressions,, @hannahsophie0103,, @cham3li,,
@shuabby1994,, @icyminghao,, @98-0603,, @weird-bookworm,, @candewlsy,,
@wonwooz1,, @blossominghunnie,, @haecien,, @amara-mars,, @okshu,,
@parkjennykim,, @wootify,, @svtoose,, @seunghancore,, @ujisworld,,
@sobun1est,, @bananabubble,, @talkingsaxy,, @thesunsfullmoon,, @talking-saxy,,
@nicholasluvbot,, @cupidslovearrows,, @50-husbands,, @hursheys,, @gong-fourz,,
@nonononranghaee,, @forever-atiny,, @starshuas,, @raevyng,, @loserlvrss,,
@lexeees,, @xikskrrrs,, @cupidslovearrows
#fics ❀˖°#kstrucknet#seungkwan#boo seungkwan#seungkwan x reader#boo seungkwan x reader#seventeen#svt#svt x reader#seventeen x reader#seungkwan imagines#seungkwan scenarios#seungkwan fluff#seungkwan fic#svt imagines#svt scenarios#svt fluff#svt fic#seventeen imagines#seventeen scenarios#seventeen fluff#seventeen fic#kpop imagines#kpop scenarios#boo seungkwan imagines#boo seungkwan scenarios#boo seungkwan fluff#boo seungkwan fic
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Hello! I'm someone with autism (and I'm suspecting ADHD too) who's planning multiple projects. Do you have any advice when it comes to overthinking a lot about decisions on a project? Be it the first step, planning, questioning if you're moving too fast, etc?
ouuuu I think the biggest thing I struggle with personally is just like... the overbearing weight of expectation that isn't necessarily even there. Like, expectation to do everything right all the time, to never make mistakes, to never fall through on promises, to never break any 'rules' (real or imaginary) and most of all, for everything I do to matter in some big, recognizable, memorable way - but the steps to that goal aren't defined, I just know what the goal looks like, with no clear path as to how to get there, and so it often results in me aiming at my own "best guess" and then beating myself up for not hitting the target LOL which is completely unfair to myself and my own work!
What I try to regularly remind myself of is that I am one person, who is only capable of what one person should reasonably be able to accomplish on their own, no matter how much my auDHD tries to convince me otherwise that I "should" be able to handle more than what's reasonable. And in that same sense, there isn't any more pressure on me to put out something perfect than there would be on any other person. I am not Atlas carrying the fate of the greatest work known to mankind on my shoulders - I'm a chronically online dweeb making stuff that's interesting to themselves and sharing it in the hopes that even just one other person will like it too. That isn't a diss on myself, that's me embracing what I am so that I can keep doing it better and more confidently each time.
Though I don't know if this exactly applies to you, I'm gonna say it just in case: I know when it comes to balancing multiple projects, it can be hard not to go "oh well I SHOULD be working on xyz!" but at the end of the day, you're not a failure for preferring to work on something else or needing space from projects that used to thrill you and have now become monotonous. In fact, it turns out that's how it is for most neurotypical people too! I know they make a lot of shit look easy, but even they have shit they loathe doing - they just don't have to deal with the unique hurdles of being neurodivergent.
Always remember to set boundaries with yourself and your work. Remember, just because you're really excited to work on something, doesn't mean you have to work on it all the time. I've learned to appreciate those moments when I'm stuck doing my day job and I'm excited to get home and work on my passion project, because it means I can actually look forward to it and it'll feel all the more rewarding when I finally get to do it! Pushing yourself too hard to fulfill that excitement all at once right off the bat often just means you're gonna spend it all way too quick, and that won't feel good because then you'll be left wondering where all the love went.
Set little goals for yourself. Stuff that's manageable and achievable within a reasonable amount of time. I know we tend to dive into thinking huge right off the bat, because that's what's exciting to us, but when it comes time to actually do the work, those smaller goals can keep us moving forward far better than the big, far off, ambiguous goal hiding somewhere off in the horizon. While it's good to plan ahead, not setting smaller milestones for yourself can burn you out faster because it's really hard to work towards an "end goal" that might be too far away for us to even conceptualize. The small goals allow us to reward ourselves along the way, and they do ultimately still build up to the bigger picture in the end, even if it feels like we're "not doing much". It can be anything like "get to this chapter that I can finish in the next few weeks" or "fully write out this scene that's been living in my head rent-free".
As for the overthinking... yeah, I wish I had some magic solution to that, but it's really just about learning what you enjoy doing vs. what you don't, so that you can have confidence in knowing when your creative decisions suit the project you're working on. This is something that gets better with practice and experience, but I feel like it's better tackled by reminding yourself that any project, no matter the outcome of how popular it gets or whether or not it "takes off", is an opportunity to learn and grow. Treat every project as a learning experience and you'll hopefully find the process itself more enjoyable, which will subsequently buff up your confidence. It's all a process of honing in on what works for you, what you excel at, and what you enjoy doing; while learning what doesn't work for you, what you could improve at, and what you don't enjoy doing.
Finding a writing buddy or someone who's willing to read your work and give you feedback is super helpful for this, too, because sometimes it takes another perspective to help us navigate the fog of indecision and find a solution.
And again, remember - you are one person, and you are under no obligation for any of your projects to be some perfect, infallible holy grail. You will write stuff that you will inevitably look back on with disgust and cringe. You will create projects that you will eventually outgrow or move on from. That does not invalidate the time and effort you put into those projects - it's proof of experience and growth. Embrace the growing pains, find peace in the process in whatever way you can.
It's not a question of right or wrong - it's asking yourself what feels true to you and your voice, and finding out along the way.
#writing advice#ask me anything#anon ask me anything#anon ama#ama#and that is my bag of cents!#idk how helpful this is but i hope a little bit of it resonates with you!#it's definitely hard esp when it comes to the imposter syndrome and self-doubt#but the biggest thing is just being patient and kind with yourself#you're allowed to write stuff that isn't perfect! most stuff isn't perfect! even the stuff that we really enjoy!#and you're allowed to take your time and create things at your own pace#there's no divine punishment waiting to strike you down if you don't accomplish everything right this second#just take it one day at a time and find your joy in the process of creating your art <3
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It's my first (official) Wip Wednesday of 2025!
I couldn't decide which WIP to share, so we're double dipping today.
Thank you @thisbuildinghasfeelings @carlos-in-glasses @paperstorm @strandnreyes @bonheur-cafe @whatsintheboxmh @nisbanisba @carlossreaders @heartstringsduet and @lemonlyman-dotcom for tagging me!
This first snippet is from my spicy d/s fic, and I know @heartstringsduet will appreciate me finally sharing more of this fic.
TK Strand is no stranger to submission. He fancies himself somewhat of an expert on the subject of his own likes and dislikes, and if he happens to enjoy a little bondage here or a little dirty talk there, he's not about to shy away from that. The concept of total submission is so much bigger than that though, and TK isn't sure if he's ever been able to fully wrap his head around it. To him, there's power in being held down, knowing he can give as good as he takes, knowing that he could easily have his partner a shivering mess beneath him, but choosing to give his body over to them instead. Being overpowered and fucked so hard that he could feel it in his marked up thighs all week – that is power. That is freedom. But he would never go as far as to call it subspace – not when every description of it he's ever come across is so much deeper and fulfilling than anything he has ever experienced. Part of him wanted to chalk it up to fantasy, something that might just exist in stories that are created specifically to be thrilling and sexy. And he was okay with that. He never had any desire to create such a feeling and simultaneously turn everything he's ever known about the power of sex on its head. He's never felt safe enough. Then Carlos Reyes came barreling into his life.
This next snippet is from my murder mystery AU!
Sharp gusts of wind nip at his wrists and neck, seeking out every small expanse of exposed skin currently unprotected by the material of his APD windbreaker, which he's come to realize is a size too big on him. It figures that his uniform isn't a perfect fit just yet, but he would have preferred to find out on a warmer day is all. This must be what he gets for transferring in the middle of January. The crime scene is particularly obscured by the medical examiner's van from where he's standing, and TK can't see where Carlos went, but he's not particularly concerned with his whereabouts at the moment. He takes a deep breath and takes an inventory of the scene around him, grounding his senses with each exhale. There's a flurry of flashing lights. From cell phones, from cameras belonging to the local news station. The sound of each snap of a picture mingles with the murmurs and footsteps from onlookers, drowning out the distant sounds of traffic on the other side of the alley, where the rest of the world moves forward in spite of the tragedy before them. There's a muted commotion accumulating along the flimsy police tape. It rattles against the forceful winds, a harsh, piercing noise dragging TK's attention away from the familiar dread that lies beyond the border. He's stepped over that line so many times and faced some of the worst horrors this world has to offer, and yet taking those first steps never seems to get any easier. “Strand,” Carlos’ voice snaps through the hazy chaos. “Get over here.”
Tagging: @ironheartwriter @emsprovisions @sapphic--kiwi @literateowl @eclectic-sassycoweyes @nancys-braids @captain-gillian @alrightbuckaroo @theghostofashton @morganaspendragonss @carlos-tk @henrygrass @futures-tense @goodways @decafdino @lightningboltreader @welcometololaland @rmd-writes @reyesstrand @butchreyes + open tag!
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To hell and back
This post is very difficult to make for me. This is not about BTS, or about fandom, but about mental health, and my personal story. I never really opened up about it anywhere except in a few facebook groups. But today is the day I decided to speak about my story.
It is surely more for me than for you.
Very few people in my friends and family can really understand what I have been going through, because it is a topic so complex that even I have trouble understanding it sometimes.
Well, firstly, I am schizophrenic. At least according to science. If you asked me though, it would be a different answer.
The truth is, I became spiritual again when I was 25, not long after discovering BTS. I took on a meditation practice and grew my consciousness very quickly.
Someday, I had an idea on how I would be able to help the collective, and I thought about becoming clairaudient (hearing the other side). So, I "hear voices". I followed my intuition on how to achieve this, and after some time it actually worked, I could hear.
So this ability to hear was totally consented on my part, I wanted this from the start.
But yeah, according to science, when you can hear anything, they put a schizophrenic label on you. I think it's mostly that they are in over their head with this kind of subject, and they simply don't understand everything enough to really be able to help anyone, except with medication.
Unfortunately, the universe is bigger and more nuanced than a label, so I never really got help from psychiatrists. I had to navigate through this on my own.
Everything was going fine at first, I was learning how to use this ability, and things were going well.
But someday, everything went to shit.
I won't go into that much details, I'll spare you, because it is pretty horrific. But long story short, I made a trip to "hell". Literally.
Of course, I myself do not believe in the christian hell. I've studied spirituality enough to understand it is not that literal, and there are many realms with different purposes.
But there are some dimensions that are close enough of what we would imagine hell to be like. And I have gone there.
I spent 2 weeks in 2 dimensions at once. In my physical body, but also in this dark dimension.
It's not really important to believe in this, or to argue whether it was real or not, because the thing is, my experience, impressions, feelings, all of it, were real to me. It felt real. It felt tangible. The mechanics does not matter, what matters is that I experienced it, and the trauma from it was real.
It was the most horrific, the darkest, the most twisted, so terrible that words cannot even give it justice. It is an experience that I felt somehow was a glitch in the matrix. Like we should not be able to experience something like this, it should not be allowed.
But it was. And no matter how much I cried for help, prayed all the gods, begged, no one came to save me. I could not sleep, did not eat, and barely functioned during those 2 weeks.
I felt left there, abandoned, alone, helpless, in total despair and horror, and with a pain that was so profound that I thought it would kill me. I was patiently waiting for death to take me, in how much my heart was broken into a million pieces.
I got annihilated entirely by the end. No emotions, no thoughts, no personality, no beliefs, nothing that made me me, was left.
I was gone, an empty shell. I had been entirely destroyed. A metaphorical death.
But something was left. A tiny flicker.
It was the light of my consciousness, my divine spark.
I understood then that even the worst darkness that exist would not be able to destroy my light, and that I was eternal.
So all of my fears vanished. I began clinging to that light and use a strength I didn't even know I posessed to crawl back from the pit of my own hell.
I had PTSD for years after this experience. And it was not truly over. I was still plagued by many interferences, trickster energies, evil things.
But over time, I healed, and brought back the pieces of myself that were scattered, and my psyche, even with PTSD, began to mend.
But now I had to learn how to play "the game". How to not get tricked, how to keep my internal balance despite being surrounded by nothing but darkness.
Some day the darkness put so much pressure on my being that I thought of ending my life. And that's not really like me, because I'm really pro-life.
But it's like I've been through some fucking intense internal military-like training, with no rest, with no pause, and no mercy. Ever.
It pushed me to my limits.
So of course I transformed. I became stronger mentally, I learned discernement, I took my power back, literally my entire being was totally refined.
I mastered "the game" of darkness, outsmarted them, mended every breach of my psyche, moved past all my fears, and my mind became as cutting and sharp as a knife. It took me years, but I learned the lesson. And I can say that darkness was my greatest teacher. The wisdom I gained, there is really no price for it. In the end I saved myself.
Today, I am good. I work very hard to keep my internal balance, to remain optimistic, to keep spreading love around me.
If you saw me you wouldn't tell I have any particularity lol
But to say this whole process has been hard is a understatement. It is SO FUCKING HARD like it's so hard and complex and layered that's it's really a bit ridiculous?
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a very bad movie, so I guess the universe and my higher self really have a weird sense of humour. But I laugh it off too because it's better than crying about it.
I know we are never alone, and that everything supports us, but the illusion that we are is really strong sometimes. Almost no one would be able to understand my experience, without having lived it, so I feel like I'm bearing this cross on my own.
But you know, all of this really puts things into perspective. The fact I have been in a place such as this, survived, and came back, makes every other little problems in life feel truly trivial.
I don't know what your faith is, it is not really important. What I learned in my studies is that most people who actually go to those places had things to learn, it's never "some punishement". It's clearly not because I deserved it.
But I did my share of learning indeed. Today I feel like I am a better version of myself thanks to this experience.
I believe it was for my highest benefit, because I can't reconcile senseless pain and hurt in my mind with a loving god. I know things aren't random.
It all began because I wanted to help. So in sharing my story, I want you to share a message of hope.
The deepest pain, the darkest fear, nothing that is abyssal and scary and any emotion you might feel, none of it will actually hurt you. You cannot be hurt. You cannot be destroyed by anything, ever. We just think that some emotions will kill us, so we avoid to feel them. We fear, so we flee.
If you actually embrace your fears, it won't kill you. It will liberate you. Nothing else will happen.
You know why we come to earth to have crazy experiences and we don't mind the trauma and the pain that come with it? Because our souls know that we are not taking any real risk in the first place.
Your light is deeper than the deepest fear, largest than the most painful hurt, and you are safe at all time, even if it doesn't feel like it.
So please, rest easy, don't take life so seriously, it's all going to be ok. We will all wake up from this dream someday and go back to love, and it will only be a memory, a blip in our eternity.
We are safe & loved.
I think I needed to get all this out of my chest.
(Please don't feel the need to psychoanalyze me or feed me religious doctrines, I had years to process and really understand the mechanics of everything that happened to me so far, but obviously I didn't want to turn this post into a million words so many aspects are left out.)
Thank you for reading my post and take care💜
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#discworld#gnu terry pratchett#night watch#the glorious 25th of may#watercolours#i have no time this week for anything bigger than this#but this is good enough
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#art summary#i have to clear out my phone. im hoping that if i remove all the nier rein screenshots ill have space#im almost certain its all the rein screenshots cause. they’re bigger than most pics and i had a lot#otherwise im not cooked but god i hope its that easy#i dont make resolutions but i hope i draw more next year#the problem with art summaries is youll have months where you draw a lot#months where yiu draw 10 good things and then every other month is empty#but you drew. so you cant look at art summaries with emoty months and get sad#but like i didn’t draw as much this year lmao too much going on in my head#i was gonna say i rarely drew but i draw so much more than the average person#what i really mean is i didn’t finish anything#i was in my dA gallery the other day and I really used to draw a fully colored piece everyday on high school#absolutely mad. and we (me and my friends) all used to do it#i just had a thought: a majority of my friends draw <- thoughts for later#i had to answer the door so I forgot what i was talking about#i think that. what i was getting at was that behavior really screws up what’s a healthy relationship with art?#like when you’re a kid you have time and when you’re inexperienced and don’t know you’re more forgiving on your mistakes#whereas now if i draw one thing a week thats a job well done to me. im so busy i can’t take it out on myself and i dont#and of course the sms algorithm but I don’t play with the algorithm#but yeah everyone i grew up drawing with friends or ppl i follow stopped drawing or just posting a lot and I’ve been thinking about it a lot#an artist i really like used to post a whole bunch of art dumps everyday. just doodles on different series and i loved seeing them#but they stopoed posting. working on being that kind of artist for me. we got xx art at home situation#if any of that makes sense
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Sunday doodle (singular)
#sunday doodles#i need to practice box braids and cornrows#i don't have as much issue with the strands themselves as much as i do with where they meet the scalp#that's an issue i have with hair in general and it's even more of a problem when the scalp is more visible#i like to draw hair in chunks so when it comes to drawing finer strands of hair i end up making it look too scratchy#something to work on#gonna try and start drawing more this week#i finished drafting a short story-time comic and have 3 pages of the sketches cleaned up#i think it'll be 7 or 8 pages total but they're really small pages#like maybe 3 frames max per page#just wanting to familiarize myself with the CSP comic menus before i do anything bigger#and what easier story to tell than one that i was involved in haha#excited to share it :D should be done pretty soon
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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shep finding out exactly who she's working for
((turn left/electric sheep spoilers))
“Oh… shit,” Shepard said under her breath.
“Sorry,” Dr. Chakwas whispered back, as if that made up for it-- any of it.
Shepard tried to hop out of her hospital bed. It suddenly felt barbed and poisonous. Her smock she wore felt impossibly itchy, even the air seemed laden with all sorts of toxins and chemicals that would do numbers on her brain and cognitive function. But her head screamed in protest, and Dr. Chakwas rushed over to forcefully push her back down on the bed. Shepard slapped her hand away like it was a bug, reluctantly sitting back down.
“Is this a joke?” Shepard spat. “Cerberus is going around kidnapping active duty N7s? I know this isn’t Traverse space, but that could still be tried as treason-- terrorism, if you get the right lawyers! What, you think just because you gather up some people I used to know a long time ago, that makes this all suddenly okay? Am… Am I on the Normandy?”
Suddenly, that became the most important question to Shepard. She wasn’t a recluse living under a rock, she saw the news cycle and its field day with Joker’s defection. The Alliance told her to quietly delete all records that she’d ever known Joker in the first place, destroying pictures and wiping news articles about him playing a role in the Heroes of the Citadel’s fight against Saren. She remembered that being one of the last times she talked to Anderson, one of the only times she got use of the comms buoy while she was FLT somewhere in Sol. He wasn’t mad at Joker, he wasn’t mad at the Alliance. He was mad that his ship was gone, and he never got to say goodbye to her.
“The Normandy’s been stripped for parts,” said Miranda. “The SSV2 Normandy is far more advanced than that tin can could ever aspire to be.”
“YOU STRIPPED THE NORMANDY?”
“Commander,” Dr. Chakwas said delicately, as if Shepard was a lion that was circling her and about to pounce. “You need to do your best to stay calm. You’ve just woken up from a major surgery, stress won’t do you any favors.”
“You don’t get to call me Commander,” Shepard said, disgusted by herself but not exactly knowing why. “You defected to a terrorist organization. I don’t even know if they have fucking commanders over here. Maybe they promote in terms of kill counts. Say, Miranda, how many quarian heads do you have mounted in your office?”
“Oddly enough, zero. You’d be surprised how fast they disintegrate once their skin makes contact with fresh air,” Miranda said dryly.
#mass effect fanfiction#mass effect#mass effect fanfic#ao3 fanfic#turn left#electric sheep#wip#so i have this lore in the two year time hop where joker very publicly steals the normandy#and it's like the biggest thing in the news for weeks#i think it's going to be a bit#it gets referenced but never fully explained#because we all know joker needs a bigger ego than he already has#being on the alliance's top 10 most wanted list surely won't do anything to him riiight?
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Life, aiming a loaded crossbow at me: I'm sorry. You were involved in the decisions that led to this, but you can't know whether they're worth it until everything is done. This is the first step. Endure it as best you can.
Me, shot with the crossbow bolt: [looks down and sees a label tied to the bolt that reads "metaphor for stressful situation"] Ow. Thanks for the warning, I guess? At least it's the only thing I'm getting shot with for a good while.
Life, reloading several bolts into the crossbow at once: Have you ever heard of speed shooting?
Me: I want it to be known that I resent this.
Life: Noted. [shoots me multiple times in quick succession]
Me, on the floor and stuck full of crossbow bolts all over my body: Recovering from this is gonna suck.
#sonder speaks#personal post#I'm trying to joke about my stress#but I did in fact get so stressed that it triggered a seizure#and then my immune system was so compromised from the stress and seizure that I'm now sick#and those are just the incidental health side effects of the stress itself#the situations have been numerous and covered a wide range of severity#the first crossbow bolt was my family deciding to move states and realizing the timeline will be very very short#the next was one of my budgies dying#then my dad having a week+ long dramatic panic attack meltdown about the move#he's past the worst of the meltdown itself but the deep deep fear is still an issue and a stressor#then it was my mom and sister panicking over making things work#then it was my seizure and being in the ER right up until it was time to catch a flight#then stress over helping to find the rught house while knowing none of them will satisfy the fear of my dad#but most of them will fit the criteria for which we originally chose to move#and then the dog we inherited from my grandma -- who's never bonded with anyone but me and never that deeply with me#who was in the shelter for a day and then retrieved and who I defended when other family members wanted her returned --#she growled at my 6 month old niece and nobody is bonded enough with her to train her to be gentle with a baby or toddler#she's a risk to my niece so she had to go back to the shelter and I'm a lot sadder and more stressed about it than I expected#I even cried and I don't cry over anything not even the deaths of grandparents or pets#and it's looking like I might have diabetes too but I can't get my labs done to find out for sure until I'm not sick#and the crossbow just keeps being fired at me#I know others are more stresed over more and bigger things#but I am so sick of these crossbow bolts#I want to be done with these#I want my stress levels down
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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oh wait this month marks my one-year of officially joining the s.elfship community woagh,,
also i think i'm going to make me and Guz's anniversary be on the 24th (of august) because that's when I first made my og sideblog for this stuff but it's ALSO the date when i rbed a post about him in 2020 where i said that i loved his character SOOOO... i think it's a good date to place it on :3
#i dont have anything special planned for it hmm....#i'll probably be rly stressed around that time unfortunately tbh 😭😭 i'll be applying for welfare that week fsdkl#maybe.... if i get accepted (and then move onto the disability application lol) i can buy something nice... smth w a beetle motif perhaps#because it's also my bday in september..... little celebratory gift for a handful of occasions all wrapped up into one!!#if i dont get accepted onto welfare well... then i'll have bigger issues to worry about than if i get to buy smth or not HFDSGJKL#dandy.cmd
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2/10/23
goal: 1000 / total: 821 / extra burned: 100 / net: 720 / weight: 94.5
disappointed in this. wouldve been less but i kinda blanked while eating goldfish and forgot to count them out bc i was too busy sorting them. oops. well its not that bad. i didnt end up getting to do my usual stuff so the day was very hard. i had planned to wait to eat till later or not at all but around 8pm i started feeling very ill and shakey so i decided to eat. unfortunate but whatever.
mad at myself for being hungry this morning since i had over 800 yesterday. my body is so pathetic. i fed it so much yesterday but even still.
#ugh. 821 thats so much i feel so bad#i know that ill still definitely lose weight if im eating that much daily but i feel pathetic for not going lower even when i wasnt#exercising. the main reason im able to maintain 97 and still eat 2000 a day is bc i exercise so much every day#my sedentary tdee is 1400 and i burn so much extra every day so it works out. i guess im lucky that my main coping mechanism that i use to#feel regulated and also happy (basically a hobby tbh) involves exercising. idk daydreams are more vivid when i skip around#makes me forget my body exists. and i do it so much that i burn a whole lot of calories#ugh. my body hurts rn. i should eat but idk what. should i go higher now and lower later or vice versa#im allowing myself to be ok with higher numbers today. nothing above 1100 but above 800 is ok#think its kinda silly that i always SAY my limit is 1000 but its actually not. but if i set my limit to anything less than im actually more#likely to meet it or go over. i more frequently get totals of 500 with this limit. i tell myself i can have a bigger meal later and then it#comes to bedtime and instead of eating i just go to bed. qhen its a lower amount i know i wont be able to eat anything larger so i am#doing way more counting of cals on everything to figure out what to eat later and it messes me up#and eating over 800 2 times a week isnt so bad. ill still lose weight. i feel bad tho. like im not disordered enough#but 800 is still a very small amount
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i cant write that fic for real btw because that would mean charles would replace dj and i cant do that to my baby girl
#but we can imagine how that fic would go. extra practices to work through plays etc that end up with charles and pierre up close & personal#they have an easy natural chemistry that presents like friendship until pierre makes a dirty joke to him in the shower and charles cant sto#thinking about it because it....makes his dick jump a little (he's so grateful for the barriers between the showers he'd never live it down#suddenly their ''chemistry'' feels different because charles wants to kiss pierre. or wants pierre to kiss him. and nothing on the field#changes but this is BIGGER than on the field which means charles is twisted inside-out thinking about how his desire is presenting.#meanwhile pierre is off doing like. the espn body issue. being involved in sexy/scandalous ad campaigns#and it's driving charles up the WALL!! because he can't say anything genuinely. he can joke about it though. bc that's safe.#so maybe he makes a passing joke tease/comment that pierre realizes is flirting and after practice he corners charles in the film room#and is like ''did you like my shoot?'' or w/e but he's so close that charles knows he's not just asking to be a tease. so he doesn't answer#and pierre kisses him a moment later so it's not even like he'd have a chance to give a serious response anyway#but i digress. they make out for the first time in the dark of the film room with last week's game tape playing low-volume behind them
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like pirating is so normal 2 me i forget there r ppl who r like antipiracy which btw is stupid. obviously
#LIKE. IDK ITS JUST WEIRD. WDYM YOUR PARENTS JUST.. BOUGHT MOVIES ?????? did you not eat as a child. be serious#that happens sm where ill be like haha. yeah. you guys remember the ol 'oh im not hungry' trick your dad used to pull#and everybodys like what. no and im like no you know where hed be like oh im not hungry but after everybody else ate hed grab the leftovers#it is like annoying. like i understand not everybody grew up in poverty but the way ppl will act like its likee. insane#there was this one time where we were doing wants vs needs for 4th grade#and one kid was like a need is having your own room. and i was like <- shared a room with both of my siblings at the time Thats not true#and everybody in my class looked at me like i was crazy. like ok laura sorry your basement movie theater is bigger than my apt but we cant#all live like that. thats true btw there were these twins and they had a halloween sleepover party and they hsd to invite me bc class rule#and it was so like. there house was hugeeeee we didnt even go to their rooms bc 'they were messy'#but we just hjng out in the basement where there was legit a movie theater. and an entire seperate living room from their main living room#which we also werenr allowed to go in#genuinely think its bc they were forced to invite the poor kids Lmao. so we werent allowed to go to the main house#lest we get our poverty germs everywhere or steal something#but yeah it was awesome. but i also think that was one of my huge Oh life is unfair radicalization moments#but i mention likee. even lighthearted shit from my childhood. and ppl r like O_O THAT SOUNDS SO TRAUMATIC#and its like. the traumatizing part of poverty isnt like#being close witj my siblings and having done a lot of activities outside of like. going to disneyland#or getting a new toy every week. yk...im not saying poverty isnt traumatizing bc it is but its like#annoying that you mention anything abt it and evrrybody in a 50 mile radius is like POOR THANG!!! like. no i think its funny that we always#got rly shitty junker cars that my grandpa sold to my mom. i was joking sbt the fact that my moms never had a car eith functioning brakes#i wasnt like. asking for pity#but whatevrr
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