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hexfloog · 3 years ago

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Tonight we screm about... LIFELINES

Earlier today, I sent an... admittedly very poorly-phrased question about Gadgetless Conan to a DCMK server - you know, like someone who doesn't proofread.

(I know it was bad because nobody answered me... rightfully so, lmao)

There was a reason for it though!! What I was thinking about was E2, Company President's Daughter Kidnapping Case/The Kidnapped Debutante, and E129, The Girl from the Black Organization.

Rambling below the cut!!

In episode two, it's made horribly clear to us just how harrowing Shinichi's situation has become, even at surface-level. The point is obviously to contrast against the Shinichi we're shown in episode one, who is physically adept, well-liked by authority, and generally comfortable in life. In the span of a single episode, he becomes alienated by symbols of his former self-- his house, which he cannot enter; his clothes, which he cannot fit; his friends, who he cannot confide in; and his own name, which he cannot utter-- and we begin watching him struggle to acclimate to the life of someone who is infantilized at every turn (until he isn't, cough), the degree of which is illustrated most plainly in this first case solved as "Conan."

You only get one shot to establish the floor of a setup like this, and I think they did a pretty good job of it. I'm biased in favor of the Funimation dub, of course:

"You've gotta be kidding me!! I can't even kick a soccer ball anymore!

Aaaaaugh, the panic in his voice.

Anyway, I bring this up in conjunction with The Girl from the Black Organization because, before Shinichi realizes he's being played, Ai taunts him with some dialogue which I found-- among pretty much everything else she says in these two minutes-- pretty chilling:

And she's right - Shinichi flounders so much in episode two because... he really is helpless! He's completely gadgetless for the duration of the case, completely stolen from his former physical prowess (and the familiarity that comes with it), and just to add insult to injury he doesn't even know how to properly masquerade as a child yet, which is arguably the only trick he has when naked (so to speak). As Haibara says... without Agasa, Shinichi has no liberation from the physical weakness of his child body.

So... that got me thinking... Shinichi has a support system that is already loosely established even by this point, composed of people who know his secret, lifelines which bring him back to himself when it seems like there is no escape from his false identity. What are they?

Agasa is, as established above, Shinichi's lifeline to his physical strength and, arguably, his authority. His gadgets allow the young detective to arm himself-- both in the conventional sense, and with a reliable wealth of trickery to skirt the dismissiveness often invited by his child appearance... whether that means simple antics or straight-up mimicking the voices of dead people to scare culprits into confessing WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS--

His parents are, obviously, his connection to family. They are also his general safety net, in the event he chooses to give up... or is forced to.

Heiji is Shinichi's lifeline to companionship. As I mentioned earlier, once he becomes Conan, Shinichi is put in a place where he can no longer confide in his friends (namely, Ran). Heiji, after learning his secret-- and in his ostensibly wholesome habit of seeing right through the veil of Conan every single time-- offers Shinichi a chance to just... be himself without the smoke and mirrors. When the circumstances of his life force him to wear the skin of someone else at every waking moment, I feel Shinichi could very well forget what genuine camaraderie feels like. Also he's the first one to offer Shinichi any semblance of hope for the end of his predicament (albeit unknowingly), how could he not have a place here omg

Haibara is something of an enigma. Admittedly, I have not seen enough of her to be able to say anything (with confidence) on her apparent role in Shinichi's system, but every time she speaks I swear this girl has something PATENTLY 10/10 to contribute asddgfhj. For me, and for all I've seen so far, she represents his value system (and by extension, retribution?) and is the closest I've seen this show come to gray morality. In this very episode Agasa has to hold Shinichi back when their conversation quite clearly turns to challenging who he thinks deserves to be called a victim and I-- mmmmMMMM

More on that in another post about this ep because there's no WAY I'm going to be able to cover everything I wanna say about it in this one aaaaa. Also I do not know at this point whether Vermouth would also fit into this role, I haven't gotten there yet

(Now for this last one... I realize Movie Canon is technically its own thing, but tbh I want the movie and show canon(s) to overlap so much in my mind that I don't even care sorry not sorry--)

...Kaito Kid.* Honestly this boy is such a wildcard, his relationship with Shinichi is so unique and multifaceted that he most definitely plays more than one part in this support system I've interpreted for him in my head. At the very least, being The Foil, it stands to reason he would play a very similar role to Agasa, but rather than bringing him back to the familiarity of his physical body, he keeps him on his toes by pushing his ambition and testing his deductive prowess, which... is especially interesting to me, given that Shinichi never loses that part of him post-transformation. Passion, then, is perhaps his role (or at least one of them): to remind Shinichi of his purpose, of what gives him life... away from the grim backdrop of his circumstance, and removed from the shadow of the Organization... because even in the body of little Conan, that fire could not be stolen from him. Kaito may or may not be doing this consciously (for all intents and purposes, most likely not) but it's still an intriguing thought to entertain, I think...

(*Yusaku could technically overlap with this also, but imo both Shinichi's parents are far too aware of the threat of the Black Organization, I think-- as they should be, being his parents and all.)

(*Heiji could also be the one who stokes this fire, but there's a markedly distinct difference between sharing a passion, and weaponizing it)

Wow uhhHHH idk how to cap off this post uhmm... that's all I've got for now, next time I screm about... YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE (still this ep, bc 129 is SUCH a treasure trove of ideas)

if you've gotten this far tysm for reading much love <333

#text #dcmk #kudou shinichi #shinichi kudo #internal screaming hours #long post #''yea can anyone tell me if we see more physically helpess conan'' i ask a server that's probably full of minors oh my FUCKING--#hex self-destructs more at eleven #buckle up we got a long one #ai haibara #detective conan #the girl from the black organization

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bananaofswifts · 3 years ago

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By Paul Tingen

From sketches to final mixes, engineer Jonathan Low spent 2020 overseeing Taylor Swift’s hit lockdown albums folklore and evermore.

“I think the theme of a lot of my work nowadays, and especially with these two records, is that everything is getting mixed all the time. I always try to get the songs to sound as finalised as they can be. Obviously that’s hard when you’re not sure yet what all the elements will be. Tracks morph all the time, and yet everything is always moving forwards towards completion in some way. Everything should sound fun and inspiring to listen to all the time.”

Speaking is Jonathan Low, and the two records he refers to are, of course, Taylor Swift’s 2020 albums folklore and evermore, both of which reached number one in the UK and the US. Swift’s main producer and co‑writer on the two albums was the National’s Aaron Dessner, also interviewed in this issue. Low is the engineer, mixer and general right‑hand man at Long Pond Studios in upstate New York, where he and Dessner spent most of 2020 working on folklore and evermore, with Swift in Los Angeles for much of the time.

“In the beginning it did not feel real,” recalls Low. “There was this brand‑new collaboration, and it was amazing how quickly Aaron made these instrumental sketches and Taylor wrote lyrics and melodies to them, which she initially sent to us as iPhone voice memos. During our nightly family dinners in lockdown, Aaron would regularly pull up his phone and say, ‘Listen to this!’ and there would be another voice memo from Taylor with this beautiful song that she had written over a sketch of Aaron’s in a matter of hours. The rate at which it was happening was mind‑blowing. There was constant elevation, inspiration and just wanting to continue the momentum.

“We put her voice memos straight into Pro Tools. They had tons of character, because of the weird phone compression and cutting midrange quality you just would not get when you put someone in front of a pristine recording chain. Plus there was all this bleed. It’s interesting how that dictates the attitude of the vocal and of the song. Even though none of the original voice memos ended up on the albums, they often gave us unexpected hints. These voice memos were such on‑a‑whim things, they were really telling. Taylor had certain phrasings and inflections that we often returned to later on. They became our reference points.”

Sketching Sessions

“The instrumental sketches Aaron makes come into being in different ways,” elaborates Low. “Sometimes they are more fleshed‑out ideas, sometimes they are less formed. But normally Aaron will set himself up in the studio, surrounded by instruments and synths, and he’ll construct a track. Once he feels it makes some kind of sense I’ll come in and take a listen and then we together develop what’s there.

“I don’t call his sketches demos, because while many instruments are added and replaced later on, most of the original parts end up in the final version of the song. We try to get the sketches to a place where they are already very engaging as instrumental tracks. Aaron and I are always obsessively listening, because we constantly want to hear things that feel inspiring and musical, not just a bed of music in the background. It takes longer to create, but in this case also gave Taylor more to latch onto, both emotionally and in terms of musical inspiration. Hearing melodies woven in the music triggered new melodies.”

Not long after Dessner and Low sent each sketch to Swift, they would receive her voice memos in return, and they’d load them into the Pro Tools session of the sketch in question. Dessner and Low then continued to develop the songs, in close collaboration with Swift. “Taylor’s voice memos often came with suggestions for how to edit the sketches: maybe throw in a bridge somewhere, shorten a section, change the chords or arrangement somewhere, and so on. Aaron would have similar ideas, and he then developed the arrangements, often with his brother Bryce, adding or replacing instruments. This happened fast, and became very interactive between us and Taylor, even though we were working remotely. When we added instruments, we were reacting to the way my rough mixes felt at the very beginning. Of course, it was also dictated by how Taylor wrote and sang to the tracks.”

Dessner supplied sketches for nine and produced 10 of folklore’s 16 songs, playing many different types of guitars, keyboards and synths as well as percusion and programmed drums. Instruments that were added later include live strings, drums, trombone, accordion, clarinet, harpsichord and more, with his brother Bryce doing many of the orchestrations. Most overdubs by other musicians were done remotely as well. Throughout, Low was keeping an overview of everything that was going on and mixing the material, so it was as presentable and inspiring as possible.

Mixing folklore

Although Dessner has called folklore an “anti‑pop album”, the world’s number‑one pop mixer Serban Ghenea was drafted in to mix seven tracks, while Low did the remainder.

“It was exciting to have Serban involved,” explains Low, “because he did things I’d never do or be able to do. The way the vocal sits always at the forefront, along with the clarity he gets in his mixes, is remarkable. A great example of this is on the song ‘epiphany’. There is so much beautiful space and the vocal feels effortlessly placed. It was really interesting to hear where he took things, because we were so close to the entire process in every way. Hearing a totally new perspective was eye‑opening and refreshing.

“Throughout the entire process we were trying to maintain the original feel. Sometimes this was hard, because that initial rawness would get lost in large arrangements and additional layering. With revisions of folklore in particular we sometimes were losing the emotional weight from earlier more casual mixes. Because I was always mixing, there was also always the danger of over‑mixing.

“We were trying to get the best of each mix version, and sometimes that meant stepping backwards, and grabbing a piano chain from an earlier mix, or going three versions back to before we added orchestration. There were definitely moments of thinking, ‘Is this going to compete sonically? Is this loud enough?’ We knew we loved the way the songs sounded as we were building them, so we stuck with what we knew. There were times where I tried to keep pushing a mix forward but it didn’t improve the song — ‘cardigan’ is an example of a song where we ended up choosing a very early mix.”

Onward & Upward

folklore was finished and released in July 2020. In a normal world everyone might have gone on to do other things, but without the option of touring, they simply continued writing songs, with Low holding the fort. In September, many of the musicians who played on the album gathered at Long Pond for the shooting of a making‑of documentary, folklore: the long pond studio sessions, which is streamed on Disney+.

The temporary presence of Swift at Long Pond changed the working methods somewhat, as she could work with Dessner in the room, and Low was able record her vocals. After Swift left again, sessions continued until December, when evermore was released, with Dessner producing or co‑producing all tracks, apart from ‘gold rush’ which was co‑written and co‑produced by Swift and Antonoff. Low recorded many of Swift’s vocals for evermore, and mixed the entire album. The lead single ‘willow’ became the biggest hit from the album, reaching number one in the US and number three in the UK.

“Before Taylor came to Long Pond,” remembers Low, “she had always recorded her vocals for folklore remotely in Los Angeles or Nashville. When I recorded, I used a modern Telefunken U47, which is our go‑to vocal mic — we record all the National stuff with that — going straight into the Siemens desk, and then into a Lisson Grove AR‑1 tube compressor, and via a Burl A‑D converter into Pro Tools. Taylor creates and lays down her vocal arrangements very quickly, and it sounds like a finished record in very few takes.”

Devils In The Detail

In his mixes, Low wanted listeners to share his own initial response to these vocal performances. “The element that draws me in is always Taylor’s vocals. The first time I received files with her properly recorded but premixed vocals I was just floored. They sounded great, even with minimal EQ and compression. They were not the way I’m used to hearing her voice in her pop songs, with the vocal soaring and sitting at the very front edge of the soundscape. In these raw performances, I heard so much more intimacy and interaction with the music. It was wonderful to hear her voice with tons of detail and nuances in place: her phrasing, her tonality, her pitch, all very deliberate. We wanted to maintain that. It’s more emotional, and it sounds so much more personal to me. Then there was the music...”

The arrangements on evermore are even more ‘chamber pop’ than on folklore, with instruments like glockenspiel, crotales, flute, French horn, celeste and harmonium in evidence. “As listeners of the National may know, Aaron’s and Bryce’s arrangements can be quite dense. They love lush orchestration, all sorts of percusion, synths and other electronic sounds. The challenge was trying to get them to speak, without getting in the way of the vocals. I want a casual listener to be drawn in by the vocal, but sense that something special is happening in the music as well. At the same time, someone who really is digging in can fully immerse themselves and take in all the beauty deeper in the details of the sound and arrangement. Finding the balance between presenting all the musical elements that were happening in the arrangement and this really beautiful, upfront, real‑sounding vocal was the ticket.

“A particular challenge is that a lot of the detail that Aaron gravitates towards happens in the low mids, which is a very warm part of our hearing spectrum that can quickly become too muddy or too woolly. A lot of the tonal and musical information lives in the low mids, and then the vocal sits more in the midrange and high mids. There’s not too much in the higher frequency range, except the top of the guitars, and some elements like a shaker and the higher buzzy parts of the synths. Maintaining clarity and separation in those often complex arrangements was a major challenge.”

#taylor swift #folklore

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khaotic-kitsunes · 4 years ago

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Kitten

No judgement! It’s not that bad of a kink anyways? I’ve written for...many things since starting tumblr blogs, so you’re fine. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the scenario, it’s the best I could come up with, so feel free to come scream at me if you like it!

Hope you enjoy it!

🥃 AO3 🥃 || ✉️My Askbox✉️ || 💬Discord💬

Cheeky Kitsune 🦊💋

Hitoshi raised an eyebrow silently as he stepped into the house that he shared with you, your delectably sweet scent invading his senses almost immediately; hitting him like a sledgehammer and alerting him to the fact that your heat had started early.

He should have expected it in all honesty, even though he had taken an early day so that he could come home to be there for you when it started; but no, his adorable little Omega simply had to go into an early heat.

“Kitten, I’m home” Hitoshi called out to you, scanning the house for your presence as he shut the front door, looking for any sign at all of his needy girlfriend; or even her nest. Either one would be fine, so long as he knew where you were.

Hitoshi made his way through the house slowly, following after your scent as best he could since it was coming from everywhere; coming to a stop when he reached the doorway to your shared bedroom. He wasn’t surprised to find the literal mountain of blankets and pillows on the bed, nor was he even mildly shocked to see more than a few of his favourite clothes stuffed into your nest; anything with his scent, you seemed to have grabbed and he would be lying if he ever said that the mere sight of it didn’t have his cock throbbing in anticipation of what was soon to come. An Omega in heat; sometimes he forgot how lucky he truly was.

“Kitten, wake up.”

You whined out softly in protest at the familiar voice demanding you to be awake, instead further burying your face into the soft pillows that made up a majority of your nest; it had taken you a horrific amount of time just to fall asleep, you didn’t appreciate being dragged away from that blissful slumber.

Especially with the dreams that you had been thoroughly enjoying; leave it to your heat to induce some of the best wet dreams that you had ever had.

“I won’t say it again Kitten.” You groaned at the deep rumble that sounded out from behind you, a yelp spilling free from your lips when something slapped against your arse unforgivingly; forcing you into a painfully awake state, something you wouldn’t be able to get out of again without the help of your Alpha soothing your heat.

“There…was that so hard, beautiful?” Hitoshi chuckled faintly as you made your way out of your nest, shooting him an unhappy glare while one of your hands rubbed at the still-stinging flesh of your butt; as much as you loved it when he decided to spank you, it wasn’t something you enjoyed as a wake-up call.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Maybe it was a little hard…but I was under the impression that you liked it that way” He smiled faintly as he moved to pin you down on the bed on your stomach, making sure that you were somewhat in your nest while grinding his painful erection up against you firmly; making you gasp out in a pleasant kind of surprise. You could almost forgive him for the rude awakening at this point.

“I…I do like it” You mumbled out softly, mewling when Hitoshi started to rut up against your dripping folds firmly, your slick spreading over the front of his pants within seconds; coating what you hoped wasn’t his hero outfit in a thick amount of your juices. If he had been silly enough to wear his pro-hero costume home, then he was going to smell like an Omega in heat for a long time to come; not the best idea when he was a pro-hero that fought against a surprising number of Alpha villains.

“Do you also like the feel of my dick up against you? Because it certainly smells like you do Kitten…feels like it too. You’re nice and wet, ready for daddy’s cock. Aren’t you?” Hitoshi questioned as he bit along the sensitive skin of your neck, biting over your bonding mark while his hands moved along your arms slowly; pinning them down to the bed so that you couldn’t move until he wanted you to.

“If I say yes…will you knot me?” You bit your lip as you spoke softly, turning your head as best you could to look back at the Alpha you called your own; Hitoshi didn’t seem to be teasing you like normal, he was being far more direct and it made you wonder if his rut was due soon. Either that, or your heat had induced it early, which had happened on previous occasions; so, it wasn’t an impossible theory.

“Oh? You don’t sound very interested Kitten, maybe you don’t deserve my knot” He smiled devilishly as he spoke quietly, releasing his hold on you so that he could move away to strip himself of his civilian clothes; annoyed at how they clung to him, it was almost suffocating.

You didn’t dare move though, well aware that he wanted you to remain as you were; the perfect position for you to be in and a favourite of his, it allowed him to lose himself to his instincts better than any other position. A fact that you weren’t going to complain about.

“But daddy…” You trailed off, your cheeks heating up in embarrassment when Hitoshi looked at you with a carnal hunger in his eyes; a sign that his rut was most definitely in effect and that you had whined out the perfect phrase to catch his attention. Even if it was by accident.

“Daddy, please? I’m so empty right now…I need a knot, I need your knot daddy, please? Please knot me?” You whimpered out your demand softly, wiggling your hips invitingly for the hungry Alpha as he made his way back onto the bed, settling himself behind you with the tip of his aching cock rubbing up against your folds.

“You need a knot? My knot? Are you sure about that kitten?” He narrowed his eyes as he spoke, leaning over you to bite at the scent gland behind your ear, carefully scenting you as his Omega while grinding his erection up against you roughly; pulling soft, needy gasps from your lips. His favourite sound.

“Because, to me, it sounds like you just want something to fill you…and that could be anyone’s knot. Isn’t that right Kitten?” He growled out the question quietly, his hands moving to your own and holding them against the mattress firmly; refusing to allow you the opportunity to move from your current position.

“No! No daddy, that isn’t…your knot is the only one that I need!” You whined out loudly, biting your lip as you tried your best not to moan from his rough treatment; you knew that it would only anger him more if you moaned now. You needed to make sure that he was satisfied that his knot was the only one that could help you with the heat that was bothering you currently.

“Really? Alright…but you better not be lying to me Kitten” He warned you with a low growl, biting down on your scent gland firmly while thrusting his hips forwards and burying himself deep inside of your more than welcoming body; his low groan making you mewl out in a mix of pleasure and pride, knowing that you were the reason he was groaning.

“Really, I promise. Your knot is the only one that makes me feel this good daddy” You moaned out softly, burying your face into the mattress below while his hips began to move at a harsh pace; each thrust pushing his thick knot up against your folds teasingly. Apparently, he didn’t want to fill you up just yet, not until the very end; usually he would fuck you knot and all until he could no longer remove it from your body, but today seemed to be different.

“I guess you’ve earnt this then Kitten” Hitoshi paused, growling out in pleasure as he continued to fuck you senseless, his grip on your hands tightening whenever your walls clenched down around his throbbing cock.

You couldn’t believe how good it felt to have him fuck you like this, even if it had been a while since the last time you two got the chance to be so intimate with one another. Work had taken up a majority of his time, but even so, it felt different than usual; more satisfying.

“Such a good Omega…look at how well you’re taking my cock” You mewled at his soft praise, moaning out his name and grinding your hips back against his own; though your moans soon transformed into wordless whimpers and whines, your mind losing its ability to form solid sentences, or even words due to the pleasure that was currently overwhelming you.

“That’s it, take daddy’s cock. Just like that Kitten…it’s like you were made for my dick!”

You whimpered out into the mattress with each savage thrust of Hitoshi’s hips, unable to properly describe the way he filled you up so perfectly; instead, only able to make broken sounds that would spur on his movements. You had been so unlucky today with your heat starting the moment Hitoshi had left for work, it had meant you spent the whole day trying to bear with the heat alone; but it was also because of that, that having him fuck you felt so good.

Easily satisfying all of the cravings that had built up during the day, even the ones that had formed in your dreams.

“You feel that Kitten?” Hitoshi’s voice cut through your thoughts as he pushed deeper inside of you, grinding up against you from behind and allowing you to feel the way his knot had begun to swell up; signalling his quickly approaching release and leaving you to whimper out at his cruel actions, teasing you with such a thick, pulsing knot.

“That’s what you’re doing to me. I’ve barely been home ten minutes and I’m already about to knot you for the first time today, I’m aching for you Kitten and I hope you can keep up with me” He growled out in pleasure, mere moments before burying his knot into you, pushing it as deep as he possibly could; filling you with his hot, thick seed.

The overwhelming sense of being full pushed you over the edge in an instant, ripping his name from your lips in the form of a needy scream while your own orgasm rocked through your body, making your toes curl as you trembled beneath him from the intensity of it.

“Fuck…you took it so well Kitten, you took my knot like a good little Omega. Good girl.”

#hitoshi shinsou #hitoshi x reader #shinsou x reader #bnha x reader #reader x hitoshi #reader x shinsou #omegaverse #alpha!hitoshi #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #scenario #smut #requests #cheeky kitsune

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princeoftheroses · 3 years ago

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Since you want asks, PLSSSE I want your Utena TH0ughts. WHAT is your favourite black rose episode? actually how do you feel about the black rose arc in GENERAL

black rose arc, black rose arc, oh black rose arc!!! by you adding how do i feel about the arc in general you are unleashed me to make a long post giving my very disorganized thoughts about this arc.

a couple of people call it a filler arc? i guess technically it is because it does not directly contribute to the main storyline and it wasn't in the manga and also the ending of the arc sort of makes it so the whole arc kind of didn't happen???

but also i think if a person labeled it as a filler arc they are kind of missing the point?? even if it doesn't contribute to the main plot (which it absolutely DOES but i'll get to that) it adds so much nuance to the characters of utena.

you get to see side characters and how they tick!! some of which like kozue and shiori become very important later as they become miki and ruka's rose brides in the akio arc! (side note : what was up with ruka he just kind of showed up and disappeared lmaooo)

also, it adds to akio! (tw warning for only the next paragraph, i'm talking about akio so you can except me talking about grooming and abuse)

not only is this where akio is introduced, but he is always so omnipresent. it was ... honestly really terrifying to see how chill he acts with utena here. of course the real grooming begins in the akio arc but you can see how he starts here. how he kind of builds himself as anthy's cool older brother that utena can trust and ask for advice for... but we the audience know that he CANNOT be trusted as even know we see him being shady af in the background. i really feel like if we skipped straight from the first arc to akio arc a lot of the creepiness of akio would not have been realized because of ... just how NORMAL he akio acts to utena. he's charming, he's smart, and he overall is somebody utena SHOULD be able to trust bc we should all be able to trust an immediate family member of a best friend , but of course the world doesn't really work that way. anyway akio tangent over because BOOOOOO akio (he honestly terrifies me so much because of how many predators like that exist and you can meet without realizing their intentions)

BACK TO BLACK ROSE ARC

one of the main reasons i feel like this isn't a filler arc, at least not in the traditional sense of the phrase, is because it builds a lot character relationships. something that i didn't like when i first watched revolutionary girl utena but now is one of my FAVORITE things is that for a while we don't really get a straight forward utena/anthy episode. because their relationship doesn't need to build in an episode, it just slowly builds over time. we just see these two causally existing and they just start to trust each other.

in the akio arc we get to see just how close utena/anthy have gotten over the series because of their late night conversations. like how if the black rose arc didn't exist akio wouldn't have been as impactful, if the black rose arc didn't exist it would feel more sudden how close utena/anthy have grown imo.

this arc adds a lot to the world as well. as long as the students stay inside of school they will not grow. dead people wander the halls thinking that they are still alive. these two facts contribute a lot to utena theorizing and analysis (mainly, the ideas that ohtori exists within a plain of frozen time literally because of anthy's magic and metaphorically because the cast is very cozy in their coffin) and i could not thank this arc for that enough. not only are these very cool ideas that may or may not have inspired elements in my own story (i can neither confirm or deny that one of my oc story is heavily inspired by utena) but they just add so many layers!

this arc also felt necessary because of the new duelists??? if we went straight from the first arc to the akio arc then it would've kinda gotten very tiring to see the student council constantly duel and lose to utena (with the exception of touga's sole victory to utena in the first arc before she duels him again and wins) but these new duelists possessed by the black rose are very interesting!

if i did have to make a compliant about this arc, though, i will say that at times the stories felt very disconnected to each other. while it was very funny for utena to not even know who keiko was when she dueled her, it would've been nice if sometimes the arc of the black rose duelist intertwined more with utena. as the arc goes on, the student council is on alert and is trying to figure out where the black rose is coming from, but they never really try to ask utena about it and utena never really tries to get involved? she just is chill until she gets the note to go to the duel arena to fight the black rose duelist. i don't really have a solution on how to fix this? maybe have the student council member that the black rose duelist takes the sword from be more involved? idk.

the villain of this arc mikage also really fascinates me??? i... really like him??? but not even as a villain ... i just really pity him. the realization he has in his duel with utena that everything he has been doing is for nothing because mamiya is already dead .. that always really hit me? the horror in his voice when he starts to recall the truth in his false memories.... for some reason, this is one of the most terrifying parts of the show for me. the realization that something you were doing, something you were doing that might've been awful but you were doing it because of somebody you care about deeply and love, it was all for nought. how much time he has wasted...

even before his duel with utena, there's this moment when after he got punched by utena he says something like "if she hadn't seen my duelist ring and challenged me to a duel, she could've killed me" or something like that, he's just so pathetic and i feel very bad for him but at the same time am too disconnected to him to truly feel empathy for him... that's some TOP TIER shit

overall, this part of the show is one of my favorites. the only part i like more is the last few episodes because it makes me very emotional.

NOW FOR THE SPECIFICS

favorite black rose duelist: honestly? wakaba. the girl deserves it this is stress relief for her. not only is this duel very emotional as i don't think we've ever seen utena refuse to duel somebody (at least not in the way that she does in this episode) but just the SHEER emotion.

i'm a real sucker for fighting the person you care about the most which is why the dark signer arc in yugioh 5ds is the best yugioh arc and this just really takes the cake in this arc. utena always shows concern for the black rose duelist because they are clearly people in pain who were not able to properly duel with their grief which let mikage manipulate them, but it's taken to a new level here.

the way that after the duel is completed, wakaba comes home to her empty dorm where saionji used to be but now isn't always gets me. she's just such a lonely girl and that's never really resolved for her. a lot of the other duelists have a optimist note to end on (kozue asking miki for a milkshake, shiori and juri saying hello to each other as they walk past, keiko being friends with nanami again, etc.) which is why the fact that wakaba is more alone now then she is ever... it is a feeling i can relate to an almost embarrassing amount.

favorite episode: COWBELL OF HAPPINESS, NANAMI TURNS INTO A COW-

ANTHY YOU GLORIOUS TROLL-

favorite episode that isn't cowbell of happiness: i'm very torn between the landscape scaped by kozue and thorns of death. shiori and kozue are both very interesting characters that i like a lot. but i'm going to go with thorns of death for now, as while i really like the landscape scaped by kozue, i think my preferred miki/kozue episode is their episode in the akio arc. meanwhile i like thorns of death way more than i liked whispers in the arc (mostly because i just do not really care that much for ruka, but azure paler than the sky was a banger and he was in that?) i just loved the feeling of seeing shiori the girl juri loves so much and juri's reaction to seeing her. the way my heart was wrenched when black rose shiori mocks juri... it really did hit different. but the hopeful ending did make me feel a lot better. i do like the way that juri out of all the student council members is the one closest to self actualization and this really sets that up even if there is still a bumpy road until then.

honorary mention: the boys of the black rose and kanae as a black rose duelist are both really great. i feel like if this wasn't the arc opener it would've had more room to stretch its legs and show how horrific it could've been. kanae is a girl i feel really bad about and similar to wakaba, i don't really think her episode was a very optimistic ending for her especially since akio probably killed her later in the show?

honestly the minute akip appeared on screen, engaged to a girl who HASN'T EVEN GRADUATED and is also emotionally manipulating her so much and having his little sister manipulate her too... throw the whole man away

tl;dr - the black rose arc is very good and i like it a lot, the ending of the arc really fucks me up, somebody give mikage & all the black rose duelists therapy, throw akio in the garbage, and this show probably exists in some sort of time loop / frozen time space as a metaphor for the whole coffin thing but you can probbaly find people smarter than me talking about that.

oh and go rewatch cowbell of happiness it's great

#this is what i do at 4 am #i started writing this at like 3 45 am and it is now 4 25 am :)#worth it #hope you like my shitty analysis and thoughts !!! i enjoyed writing it thoruugly #revolutionary girl utena #asks

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lit-in-thy-heart · 4 years ago

Note

hehe im glad you joined us for the hug prompts! I'll ask you for 14 - leaping hug with... mergwaine! hopefully that works for you otherwise second option for a ship would be mercelot!

thank you for the prompt!!! you will notice a theme with the other prompts (and each one that came in made me grin even more, you'll see why throughout this week) and i'll stick this under the cut because it is quite long for a prompt, i'm sorry.

hope that you enjoy it! 💖

feel free to send any other prompts

It was when Merlin’s eyes started to lose the mirth that Gwaine had suggested lightening their load with a game. Merlin had been reluctant, at first, to stray from the task at hand, but Gwaine had pointed out that they were halfway through the army’s boots and that they needed to take some sort of break before their arms cramped up.

Quite how hurling boots across the throne room alleviated the tension in their arms, Merlin wasn’t entirely sure. ‘Only with the ones we haven’t cleaned yet, right?’ he uncertainly asked Gwaine, picking up one particularly muddy boot.

Gwaine, having swung two boots over his shoulders, flicked back his hair. ‘Your choice, Merlin. We can either scuff the clean boots, or have to clean mud off the throne afterwards. Which I see as a rather appropriate metaphor.’

Frowning, Merlin turned over the boot in his hands. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, it’s always the common people cleaning the king’s image, isn’t it? Sanitising it. He’s always idolised by them, when he never deserves it.’

Mouth set in a grim line, Gwaine retreated to the back of the throne room and gripped the shaft of the boot, swinging it around his head and sending mud flying in all directions. As Merlin sheltered his head with one arm, Gwaine let go of the boot and watched with a satisfied smirk as it sailed across the room and landed firmly on the throne. The dim sunlight scattered across his face painted him in a mosaic of stained glass and Merlin’s hand faltered slightly, boot beginning to slip through his grasp.

Sparing Merlin a brief glance, Gwaine removed the second boot from his shoulder and squinted up at the balcony behind him. Merlin, catching his meaning, really did drop the boot as he held out a hand. ‘No. No way. Arthur will string both of us up, now that I’ve put that idea in his head, if you do that.’

With a shrug, Gwaine dutifully turned away. ‘I believe it’s your turn.’

Picking up the boot again, the servant adjusted his grip and moved to stand beside Gwaine and flung it towards the throne. His arms, already weary from cleaning at least fifteen boots, didn’t provide enough power and the boot crashed into the polite queue stretching across the floor, scattering them like birds after a stone had been hurled at them. Gwaine suppressed a snort.

‘In my defence, I’m usually the one getting things thrown at me,’ Merlin muttered, approaching the chaos with a small sigh.

Gwaine’s eyebrows drew together. ‘Who throws things at you?’

‘The townspeople when I’m in the stocks. Arthur. The knights, sometimes. Arthur again—’

‘Why does Arthur throw things at you?’

Merlin, his back still to Gwaine as he rummaged through the footwear to find the boot, shrugged. ‘Because he feels like it, I suppose. It’s fine. I’m used to it.’

‘And I thought you said he was different.’

‘He is different,’ Merlin replied, finding the boot and turning around. ‘It’s just that—Gwaine!’

Gwaine was clinging to the central statue,shaft of the boot between his teeth, his legs wrapped seductively around its waist as he tried to hoist himself up. There was a muffled: ‘What?’ and he twisted his head with an attempt at a grin.

‘You’re going to fall off.’

‘M’not.’

Shimmying up the statue, Gwaine reached up for the wrists of the two angels, hauling up his feet from the shoulders of the statue to the sculpted towers above, lurching unsteadily. Merlin desperately wanted to look away, but couldn’t bring himself to alter the direction of his gaze. He felt his eyes slide down Gwaine’s body and rest on his very prominent arse as he squatted momentarily and, catching himself, Merlin pushed his stare to what seemed to be the safe region of Gwaine’s shoulders.

Then Gwaine moved and the muscles in his shoulders bulged beneath his shirt. Merlin could feel the heat rising in his neck. As Gwaine’s foot slipped, Merlin darted towards the statue, hand outstretched to intervene if necessary. Regaining his footing, Gwaine’s hands caught the railings of the balcony and he tumbled over the top, landing with a muffled thump.

‘Arthur is actually going to kill me.’

Leaning over the balcony, Gwaine removed the boot and spat out flakes of mud with a look of disgust. ‘I’ll protect you, Merlin, don’t worry,’ he said, taking a knife from his boot and throwing it in the air with a grin.

It catapulted through the air and embedded itself in the floorboards only inches from Merlin, who had watched its progress with an ever-increasing sense of doom. ‘You saying that fills me with feelings of safety, Gwaine,’ Merlin drily said, folding his arms. ‘There’s no way that you’re going to be able to get that boot to hit the mark.’

‘Not without you up here for moral support.’

Merlin took one look at him, bathed in sunlight, and sighed heavily. Wordlessly, he pushed through one of the doors leading to a narrow staircase – why Gwaine hadn’t elected that route, Merlin was none the wiser – and ascended them two steps at a time, emerging onto the balcony. When Gwaine turned, his head was haloed by the rich woven threads of his hair, face illuminated by his smile. With a wink, he backed up as much as he could, took three decisive strides, and launched the boot over the railings. It curled in on itself as it sliced through the air in a graceful arc, mud spraying the floor like droplets of water from a salmon leaping upstream. It landed in the centre of the throne with a shudder from the sudden breeze it had created.

When Merlin looked towards Gwaine, his eyes travelled down to the exposed skin of his chest as he leaned over the railings and hastily drew his gaze to Gwaine’s smile. ‘See? Having you near me makes all the difference. Now, your turn.’

Merlin raised his eyebrows. ‘If I couldn’t do it down there, what on earth makes you think I could achieve what you just did?’

Levering himself from the railings, Gwaine stood in front of him, hands firmly on his shoulders. ‘Believe in yourself a little, Merlin. Anyway, being higher up actually makes it easier.’

Still unconvinced, Merlin gripped the shaft of the boot a little tighter. He cast one more look at Gwaine to give him the strength to aim as his friend moved away to give him space. Drawing his arm back, Merlin focused his gaze on the stern throne, pictured Arthur’s face when he’d said about there being no downside to Merlin being strung up, and hurled the shoe with all his remaining energy.

It shot through the air, collided with the top of the throne and dropped down on top of Gwaine’s.

In one smooth motion, Gwaine had launched himself at Merlin, hugging him in the same manner he’d embraced the statue. Merlin, thankful that he was steady on his feet for once, laughed into Gwaine’s neck and put one arm beneath his thighs to support him. There was the faintest scent of pickled eggs buried in the depths of Gwaine’s hair but Merlin didn’t mind it as much as he would have thought. There was a murmured phrase of congratulations breathed into the echoing crevice between his neck and neckerchief and both parties were vaguely aware that the appropriate time had elapsed for physical contact, but neither moved to detach themselves.

As Merlin marvelled at how much lighter Gwaine was than he’d expected, Gwaine was busy wondering if it would be possible to push down Merlin’s trousers with his legs and believably claim it was an accident. He wasn’t quite sure what had possessed him to launch himself at Merlin, though perhaps it had been prompted by the smile of disbelief that had spread across his mouth like the dawn when the boot had hit its target. And if this was the first victory that Merlin had secured in a short while, then Gwaine had thought that it deserved to be honoured properly.

Adjusting his grip so his hands fell to Merlin’s shoulders, Gwaine inhaled the delicate aroma of cinnamon that had folded itself in Merlin’s clothes. Perhaps he could be happy here, in Merlin’s arms. If Merlin didn’t get tired of him, that was. Beneath his body, Merlin shifted, other arm skimming Gwaine’s thighs. His head was still turned towards Gwaine’s neck, their cheeks grazing gently against each other, and Gwaine resisted the urge to nip at the skin covering the top of Merlin’s spine. One collision at a time. He was just about to try and push down Merlin’s trousers – because that wasn’t a collision, that was simply testing the waters – when the door below them crashed open and Merlin dropped his arms, startled.

Gwaine’s legs dropped with them and he slipped down, dangling from Merlin’s neck with his feet several inches above the ground. Tentatively, Merlin leaned forward to peer over the balcony and Gwaine swung with him, eyes moving with a growing sense of dread to the disrupted line of boots. Arthur was stood in the centre of the room, arms folded, with a stony expression sketched across his face.

‘One of you had better have a very good explanation for why exactly you are up there.’

Merlin and Gwaine turned to look at each other, and Gwaine’s witty reply was lost along with his breath as he caught sight of subtle flecks of gilt in Merlin’s eyes. As he grasped for words that he no longer had, Merlin twisted his head to look back at Arthur. ‘I was giving Gwaine a tour.’

‘I’ll be giving you both a tour of the stocks if you don’t get down here instantly,’ Arthur threatened.

As Gwaine detached himself from the servant, he let his hand run discreetly across the back of Merlin’s shirt, smirking at the subtle shiver Merlin emitted. Perhaps if he stuck around, then perhaps he could see just where else Merlin could successfully aim.

#essentially i'm incapable of writing short prompts #thanks again for the prompt!#i know that the hug wasn't the main focus but hopefully it's okay :)#oncefutureemrys #merlin #gwaine #merwaine #bbc merlin #fluff #lit writes #hug prompts

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years ago

Text

You Can Run... (S2, E11)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:03 - Baby!Malcolm and baby!Ainsley playing together is so cute. <3

0:05 - Malcolm is playing with Batman (the hero) and Ainsley is playing with the Joker (the villain). But Ainsley wants to play with Batman. Coincidence? Foreshadowing? I’m torn.

0:20 - ....I can’t tell if this is regular “kid fake crying to get sibling in trouble”, “bad fake crying because kid actors are still just kids who are learning”, or “Ainsley is a psychopath and she’s never been able to cry properly fake crying”.

0:50 - “I’d much rather stay at home with my favourite guy.” UgH. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep. No wonder Malcolm has so many Daddy issues. This broke my heart. Malcolm clearly idolized Martin. Martin was his hero. :(

1:35 - “Where are you? Talk to me.” This hurts because it makes sense. Malcolm’s one constant in life was his father’s voice. For better or for worse. It reminds me of anxiety disorders/depression. Part of you doesn’t want to heal. You don’t know what to do without the pain and fear. You don’t know who you’d be. The unknown is scarier than the pain and misery. That’s Malcolm right now. He knows Martin is bad for his mental health but he’s afraid to lose Martin because without Martin’s voice Malcolm has no idea who he is.

1:55 - I can’t decide if I love or hate Ruiz. She’s really combative? Like Malcolm didn’t say “You’re here to take over” aggressively. At all. I respect the hell out of her for being a total badass and good at her job....but she’s also kind of verbally aggressive? And pretending she doesn’t know Martin is Malcolm’s father? Like - I know she was probably trying to break the ice but it was really unprofessional and kind of a dick move? IDK something about Ruiz just kind of rubs me the wrong way (no this isn’t sexism. I’m a woman working in a male-dominated field. I respect the hell out of career-driven women. This is purely just something about her personality that bothers me.)

2:41 - Oh yeah. Gil did not like the joke about Ruiz not knowing The Surgeon = Malcolm’s father. Look at Gil. He’s annoyed but he’s also worried af about what that little comment did to his already mentally fragile profiler.

3:22 - Just how many times has Malcolm played that voicemail since the end of 2x10? It looks like Gil’s already heard it. Dani’s probably heard it. How many times did Malcolm listen to it - desperately searching for clues? This is not good for Malcolm’s mental health. He needs a hug - not to listen to his manipulative serial killer father on repeat (although, that’s kind of the show isn’t it?). Also, where’s the “we’re the same” part of the message? Did Malcolm delete the end of the message? Maybe so he doesn’t become a suspect?

3:32 - Look at how utterly furious and concerned Gil is. Guys. Guys. Papa!Gil is BACK. <3 <3 <3 <3 Oh how I’ve missed him. Seriously though, Gil looks absolutely livid (at Martin) because he can see how upset Malcolm is and he knows it’s all Martin’s fault. Plus the concerned looks he keeps shooting at Malcolm? <3 My heart <3

3:39 - “Of course not.” LIAR. I truly believe this episode is an excellent example of a character “knowing something as fact in their heads but feels the opposite way in their hearts”. Malcolm is still a little boy desperate for his father’s love. Problem is, Malcolm is also a highly educated adult man who knows that his father is incapable of truly caring about him.

3:55 - Gil watching Malcolm’s hand shake. <3 I have no words. Gil looks so concerned. We’re getting so close to a full Malcolm breakdown and I’m here for it. If we get a full on intervention and/or hospital scene I will be the happiest person alive.

4:15 - A couple of things 1) look at how Capshaw is glancing around the room when Gil, Malcolm, and Jessica are talking about how Daryl tried to kill Jessica. Capshaw is showing equal amounts of disdain, envy, and guilt. 2) Gil making a joke just to make Jessica and Malcolm smile is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Gil is single handedly, emotionally, holding these two together and it’s the content I’ve been desperate for.

4:42 - <3 <3 My heart is melting. <3 Gil’s little smile when he looks at the picture of baby!Malcolm and baby!Ainsley. Look me in the eyes and tell me Gil isn’t their dad. I’ll fight you.

4:50 - “All the kooks will come out. I know the drill.” Poor Jessica. She’s really been through a lot of crap. :(

4:55 - Did Gil shoot Capshaw that suspicious look because he was about to show blatant physical affection to Jessica or because he suspects Capshaw knows something about Martin? Maybe both?

5:00 - Sooooo Gil and Jessica just flirt openly in front of Malcolm now? ....Look at Malcolm’s reaction to their little moment. That boy has heart eyes. <3 Forget Brightwell - Gillica is the ship I will die on.

5:50 - I promise you. Jessica’s eye roll+huff when Malcolm says he’s going to stay with Capshaw for a minutes is defensive. She’s knows that Malcolm is trying to get information that will help recapture Martin. But right now? She just wants a hug from her son. She wants to keep him in her sight; where she knows he’s safe.

6:12 - soooooo Capshaw is definitely a psychopath and she’s 100% acting in this scene. Look at her. She’s angry but she’s trying to act calm. She’s trying to justify everything she did but it never quite connects. She’s just a little bit....something. Vacant? Insincere? Malcolm seems to believe her though...because she told him exactly what she knew he would sympathize and empathize with...the next two episodes are going to be incredible.

7:00 - Damn. Malcolm looks so destroyed in this scene. He looks scared, sad, angry. This boy is riding an emotional elevator that only goes down. I’m just waiting for it to hit the ground.

7:14 - This is fake. Capshaw’s “crying” here? How completely put together she seems? Fake. She’s trying to act distraught and guilt-ridden but she just seems too put together and angry to make it believable.

7:25 - How much do you want to bet that Capshaw is either 1) after Martin because one of her family members was killed by the Surgeon, 2) some sort of already established serial killer/psychopath who thinks killing the Surgeon will make her a serial killer legend?

7:30 - Malcolm being kind is everything. <3 Ugh. This little cinnamon roll is such a sweetheart. <3

8:12 - I’m on Malcolm’s side. Ainsley can’t think about work? Bullshit. Ainsley is somehow in on this whole thing. Istg.

8:21 - “Dad is out there and I don’t know. I’m just not okay.” ....this whole exchange between Ainsley and Malcolm felt forced? Like Ainsley is really off here. It seems out of character that Ainsley would admit that she’s not okay so calmly. She’s too passionate (generally speaking) to just be this calm right now.

8:24 - Ainsley is way too calm for the daughter of an escaped serial killer. Malcolm looks utterly terrified. Ainsley just looks....indifferent. Sure, maybe she’s processing things different or she’s in some state of shock but I find it unlikely.

8:41 - Awwww. Looks like Gil let a Whitly near his car. <3

8:51 - Awwwww...Malcolm literally jumping into the ambulance is adorable. <3

9:00 - “So it’s official. The Surgeon’s killing again.” THE LOOK. The look that JT, Dani, and Gil exchange everything to me. It’s concern. For Malcolm. For what they know this is doing to him. It’s fear. For what may happen next.

9:19 - “Dude.” Some people think JT is being a dick to Malcolm here. I disagree. Sure, it’s not what Malcolm wanted (or needed) to hear. BUT the way I interpreted that ‘dude’: JT is concerned about Malcolm. JT knows that Malcolm is having a hard time right now and JT is worried that Malcolm is reverting back to ‘scared little boy who doesn’t want to believe his dad is a killer’ instead of his usual ‘profiler-mode’. I don’t think JT is upset with Malcolm. I think this is JT acting like Malcolm’s big brother.

9:26 - “I’m not saying I believe it. But I’m sure he believes it.” Gil isn’t buying that. Look at his face. Gil knows Malcolm is struggling to separate his complex feelings about Martin ‘Dad’ Whitly and Matrin ‘the Surgeon’ Whitly.

9:33 - Again. The phrasing here may have been a little blunt but I think this is JT trying to remind Malcolm that his dad is a monster who doesn’t love him. It’s not a pleasant thing but it is a reminder that Malcolm needed to continue working the case effectively.

9:38 - JT and Dani exchanging looks of concern when Malcolm raises his voice (and again when Gil sends them to canvas the area for missing cars) <3 WHERE IS MY INTERVENTION?!!? <3

10:01 - “You think I’ve lost it.” :( This breaks my heart. It’s not enough that Malcolm has been on a downward mental health spiral this whole season. Now, Martin escapes and Malcolm is so fragile that he can’t tell the difference between concern and disapproval. He genuinely can’t see that Gil, Dani, and JT are concerned about him. He’s interpreting their concern as distrust and disapproval. :(

10:30 - .....where’s Gil’s car? Did he leave it with Dani and JT?

10:45 - “He lived here with my mother before I was born.” Excuse me? What? My brain is short circuiting. I want more details. I find this information utterly fascinating. Were Jessica’s parents alive? Is it a Milton family home or did Jessica and/or Martin buy it themselves?

10:51 - “If my father was a serial killer I may have fortified my house a little better.” .....no. This felt wrong. I don’t like that Gil said this. Why would Malcolm fortify the house more? Martin was literally chained to a wall. PLUS Gil’s been to Malcolm’s place before. If Gil (the cop) was concerned about safety he would’ve said something to Malcolm about it before now.

11:44 - I want to punch that US Marshall in the face. Don’t you dare suggest that Malcolm should’ve seen this coming or that he has anything to do with Martin’s escape. I also love this interaction. It really shows the story of Malcolm’s life: his colleagues don’t trust him because of who his father is. Malcolm’s skill is never enough for the cops/FBI/law enforcement to trust him because Martin is a serial killer. Shouldn’t it count for something that Malcolm is the one who turned Martin over to the cops AS A 10 YEAR OLD? ALSO - WTF did Malcolm have ammo for his antique weapons??!?!?

11:54 - Look at Dani and JT. They look ashamed and concerned. Almost as if they just realized that they’re the only ones in the precinct (other than Gil) who have ever given Malcolm a chance.

12:02 - The hand tremor <3 Damn. Someone hug him. He is so close to a full mental breakdown. I can’t wait.

12:17 - “I’m not fine.” I. Am. So. Proud. Our broken boy just told the truth about his mental state. Look at Dani. She’s shocked and she’s more concerned than ever. Malcolm admitting he’s not fine means he’s really really not fine. This is bad. Malcolm is going to lose it soon.

12:35 - “You were in control” I understand why that would be comforting for Malcolm. HOWEVER, when it’s said like that Malcolm probably draws the parallel between himself and Martin (the manipulative control freak). :(

12:55 - Malcolm expressing his self doubt is shattering. He’s being so vulnerable with Dani right now and I don’t even care about the Brightwell ship at the moment - I’m just proud of him for opening up to someone.

13:03 - “Usually his voice is in my head all the time” Yes. Because even though Martin was chained to a wall, he was still in control. The constant phone calls. The verbal chess games. The traumatic memories. Malcolm has never been able to escape Martin. Ever. Now 2/3 of his regular Martin exposures have disappeared and Malcolm doesn’t know how do go about daily life without the constant harassment.

13:40 - There’s no way Jessica was actually in enough pain to ask for a painkillers. Jess overheard Malcolm and Capshaw talking and she came to ask Capshaw about it.

14:14 - “I feel like I’m in Hell’s waiting room.” “Been there for 23 years.” Ouch. Capshaw is lying through her teeth but Jessica? Jessica is being sincere. My heart breaks for her. Also - the fact that every time we’ve seen Jessica bond with another woman (Eve, Capshaw, Birdie) that woman is a manipulative woman trying to use Jessica’s connection to Martin for her own personal gain is very upsetting. I petition for Jessica to bond with Tally and/or Dani.

14:40 - Look at Capshaw’s face when Jessica mentions Martin’s open casket. She’s hopeful. Like she just found a potential partner in crime. Or at least she just found another reason to justify what she’s about to do to Martin.

15:15 - I can’t anymore. It’s been driving me CRAZY that Dani’s curls are extremely different sizes in almost every other scene this episode. Sometimes the curls are reasonably tight and a little frizzy, Then in scenes like this one her curls are big, loose, and clean. Her hair is gorgeous both ways but the inconsistency is really bothering me.

15:52 - Americans - help me out. Is this a thing? Do your bowling alleys serve alcohol? Specifically wine? My Canadian ass is curious (our bowling alleys serve pop and bottled water. And maybe fruit juice).

15:52 - Look at how cautious Malcolm is as he approaches the boy. He’s afraid. Afraid that he’ll see evidence that the Surgeon is killing again.

16:45 - Who did Pete steal those clothes from? It wasn’t the EMTs.....did he raid Malcolm’s closet?!?!?!

17:15 - Pete was 10 when he found a quasi-sanctuary from his abusive father. So was Malcolm (in the sense that Martin was arrested and physically removed from the home).

17:40 - I love this about Malcolm. Pete helped Martin escape. Pete is a killer. But Malcolm is standing there talking to Pete like they’re friends. Malcolm genuinely empathizes with Pete’s childhood. It’s messed up but it’s also beautiful. Malcolm truly has a good heart.

18:00 - And now Malcolm is scared. He’s just remembered that Pete is a serial killer and he’s in danger.

18:15 - Look, Pete’s a bad guy. But his childhood? Damn. That sucks. :(

18:33 - “Tell me where Martin’s headed.” Not “The Surgeon”, not “Dr. Whitly”, not “my father”. “Martin”. Because Malcolm doesn’t know “Martin”. He’s met his father/dad - the man who loved him and cared for him during the first 10 years of his life. He’s met “The Surgeon” - the man who chloroformed him, manipulated him, and emotionally abused him his entire life. He’s met “Dr. Whitly” - the man who tried to teach him about the human body as a child and the man who gives him valuable medical insight on cases. But Malcolm’s never met this side of Martin Whitly and he doesn’t know what to expect. So he’s calling him “Martin”.

18:56 - Malcolm, you moron. Pete can see that you’re already suffering.

19:07 - I’ll be honest. I was kind of shocked that they killed off Pet like this. I knew Christian Brole was a guest star so obvious something would happen to write his character off the show but....this was intense.

19:16 - “Bright I saw it too.” Thank you, Dani. Calm this boy down. He’s about 10 seconds away from being arrested for being a moron at a crime scene.

19:30 - “It is my job to find my father.” This runs deep. Malcolm isn’t just talking about how it’s his job to profile where Martin might be. This is Malcolm admitting that he’s been subconsciously looking for his father for 23 years. He’s just a little boy who keeps visiting a serial killer in prison because he hopes that one day he’ll find the father that loved him (or at least acted like it). :( Someone hug this boy. <3

19:44 - I found how Malcolm pushes Dani off of him interesting. He’s clearly furious. He clearly is not in the mood to be touched but as soon as Dani starts manhandling him he sort of calms down? He’s not calm but he gains better control of himself. He listens to Dani when she guides him away from Ruiz, (he’s not perfect by any means) but he walks away and you can see his body language relax slightly.

20:11 - I kind of feel bad for JT. Gil and Jessica have blatantly flirted in front of him twice now (2x5 and now). That’s got to be awkward for him. hahaha

20:14 - “Where is Ainsley?” Good question Gil. Malcolm (who is on the verge of a panic attack) is working himself ragged to find Martin. Jessica is terrified and going through old photos to see if she can find anything that might give a clue to Martin’s whereabouts. But Ainsley? Not only is she calm - she’s not reporting on the prison break. She’s not actively trying to find Martin and she’s not terrified. Why? I honestly think (hope) she’s working with Capshaw.

20:20 - That look Gil shoots JT. Yep. Gil definitely suspects that Ainsley’s involved. I’m pretty sure Gil has pieced together what happened to Endicott and now he suspects Ainsley.

20:30 - hahahaha the way that JT stares at Gil as Gil leaves the room. hahahaha. He’s like: “This is awkward. I don’t want to babysit your rich girlfriend (and the Mom of the most annoyingly endearing profilers in existence). I am uncomfortable and I hate that you’re leaving me here alone.”

21:05 - I LOVE THIS SCENE. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. I love how Dani is slouching in Gil’s chair like she owns it. I love that Malcolm is sitting on the couch like a scolded child. I love that they’re talking about Gil’s birthday.

21:32 - “I’m already drafting an apology letter.” “That’s not enough.” SAY IT LOUDER DANI. This. FINALLY we get someone calling Malcolm on his passive suicidality. Yes, Malcolm is driven and obsessed with the case (any case). But he also risks his life needlessly to solve them. As though he thinks he’s not worthy of saving. As though he believes he deserves to suffer for what he did to The Surgeon and for what The Surgeon did to his victims. Malcolm is passionate and dedicated to his job. But he doesn’t care about his life enough to protect it. That’s passive suicidality in my books.

21:43 - “For a killer who has done nothing but make your life a living hell.....he’s not worth it.” THIS. Malcolm doesn’t hear this enough. People always suspect him of being like Martin. People rarely take the time to realize that Malcolm was just a little boy who was traumatized by the things he found out about Martin. Strangers judge and treat Malcolm like a criminal just because his father is a publicly bad person. It’s been happening for so long that Malcolm believes he’s a bad person who isn’t worthy of happiness.

21:52 - Poor Malcolm. His little face. :( He looks so sad, angry, and scared all at the same time. This is another case of “the logical part of my brain knows I’m acting irrationally but I can’t stop it because the emotions are too big and strong and everything hurts.”

22:05 - “I’m sorry.” MALCOLM WHY THE HELL ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO DANI?!? Because you yelled at Ruiz and now Dani’s worried about you? Dude. You’re having a mental health crisis and a really really bad day. You don’t need to apologize right now. Dani doesn’t want your apology. She wants you to take care of yourself.

22:25 - “Jury’s still out.” Ouch.

22:32 - Oh look. Another old person with a landline. hahahahha

23:11 - JT being a sweetheart to Jessica. <3 I love this man. This is so cute. I feel like this is the first time JT’s truly seen Jessica as a full human with a personality as opposed to Malcolm’s rich mother and Gil’s love interest.

23:18 - “I get a call like that once a week.” OH HELL NO.

23:30 - I love the fact that Jessica and JT are bonding over the fact that they’re both being harassed and judged for something outside of their control.

23:41 - SOMEONE IS CALLING TALLY?!?! NO. NO. NO. NO. I’M FURIOUS.

24:04 - “I don’t know. Why did you pretend no one was on the phone earlier?” I love this line. Jess didn’t tell for the same reason JT didn’t. They’re independent, strong people. They don’t want bother other people with their problems. They’re embarrassed that this is happening to them and on some level they probably think (wrongfully) that they deserve it.

24:46 - Oh look. All of Malcolm’s worst nightmares are coming true on the same day. The look of pure terror on his face. <3

25:20 - I want more Gil + Ainsley scenes. I find them fascinating. Ainsley looks like she resents Gil (probably because he spent so much time with Malcolm instead of her in the 90s+00s). Gil looks remorseful, sad, concerned, and fatherly. Like, even though he didn’t spend a lot of time with Ainsley - he still loves her. Because he loves Jessica and Malcolm so he loves Ainsley by extension.

25:30 - “People always suspect him” THIS. Ainsley is trying to manipulate Gil into believing she’s innocent by drawing parallels between her actions and Malcolm’s. What Ainsley doesn’t seem to realize (and why Gil is so cold when he says “People always suspect him”) is that Gil watched Malcolm grow up. He watched the cops question him in 98′ because they thought he was a suspect. He watched Malcolm grow up as people bullied him and locked him in closets because he’s the son of a murderer. Malcolm was fired from the FBI for being the Surgeon’s son (and punching a sheriff). Ainsley though? She forwarded her career by televising Malcolm’s mental health issues and proudly announcing that she’s the daughter of a killer. She still has a job. People still treat her with respect. Malcolm wasn’t granted that luxury. Gil knows it. He watched as Ainsley used Martin as a tool for success while Malcolm struggled under the weight of Martin’s crimes and abuse.

25:34 - “Ouch”. Malcolm’s not offended. Look at the little smile he sends toward Dani. <3

25:36 - Ainsley is furious. That’s the look she had in her eyes when she confronted Malcolm about the pig’s blood incident. She has no remorse. She’s pissed that her brother is overshadowing her.

25:49 - “We didn’t plan a prison break.” Who’s the ‘we’. Her and Malcolm? Or Ainsley and Martin? Or all three? Or Capshaw and Ainsley? ....this 3/4 of those options are definitely true. But one of them might be a lie. I think Ainsley was purposely vague to make it harder to Malcolm, Gil, and Dani to tell if she’s lying.

26:17 - Ainsley isn’t scared, stressed, or anxious when she picks up the phone. She seems annoyed but hopeful. I find that interesting.

26:46 - That smile. Ainsley loved talking to her dad. As a girl who grew up without a father - I feel for her. BUT GIRL - he’s a killer and this is not healthy.

27:08 - Malcolm suspects Ainsley. And he’s scared. Bring me my popcorn. I’m here for the show.

27:18 - This must be killing Ainsley. The fact that she knows Malcolm, Gil, and Jessica are a quasi-family unit. It’s probably making her feel more left out than usual.

27:30 - “Maybe I should’ve done more for her when she was growing up.” :( My heart is shattering. This isn’t Gil’s fault but damn, does this hurt.

27:40 - “No matter what we did, all roads led to Martin.” More confirmation that Jessica and Gil co-parented Malcolm. <3 This is amazing. I’m so happy.

27:53 - Really Jess? You’re turned on by the fact that Gil has a secret plan while your daughter is being questioned about helping a murderer escape prison?!?! It’s adorable (especially how Gil starts flirting back with her) but also - not the time.

28:14 - This is why I think Ainsley is somehow involved with Capshaw and/or is a budding serial killer. She’s so cheery. She’s being questioned by the police because they suspect her of committing a crime. Even an innocent person would be a little anxious or defensive. She’s just....numb but also cheery at the same time? Something’s not right here.

28:19 - “This room is under surveillance at all times.” ....but is it under audio surveillance? Is this interrogation going to become a bigger part of the plot later in the season? Because Ainsley verbally questions if she’s like Martin.

29:17 - As much as I hate Martin, I agree with his analysis of Ainsley. She’s high on charm, low on compassion and empathy. She doesn’t have normal reactions to traumatic events. She never appears scared or sad. We’ve only ever really seen Ainsley happy, determined, or angry.

29:20 - ....I fully believe Ainsley is fake crying to manipulate Malcolm during the interrogation.

31:25 - “Do you think I’m the reason he broke out?” Ugh. Ainsley is so starved for parental attention and it’s heartbreaking.....maybe that’s how this killer was made.

32:00 - Gil doesn’t think Ainsley’s a credible source of information. Let’s all just sit on that information for a bit.

32:19 - “It’s not him I’m worried about.” <3 <3 <3 <3 Papa!Gil <3 I’ve missed you. <3 <3

32:34 - YO Gil, Malcolm. Have you two knuckleheads really never watched Criminal Minds?!?! This dude is showing textbook “I’m a hostage” behaviour.

33:19 - Gil calling Malcolm his ‘partner’ is so precious. <3

34:50 - Sooooo 400K is a LOT of money. Did Martin use Milton family money for his murder agenda?!? Did Jessica never notice that much cash missing from their accounts?!? Where did all this money come from?!

35:32 - Ahhhh lovely. Martin had a fake Canadian passport.

35:46 - Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep because Martin put Malcolm’s batman toy in his murder escape bag. It’s so twisted and yet, sweet?

35:50 - “What’s that?” <3 My heart has shattered. Look at the unshed tears in Malcolm’s eyes. Listen to how soft Gil’s voice is. Look at Malcolm’s sad little heartbroken, hopeful smile and Gil’s heartbroken look of concern. <3 I adore this exchange so so so so much. This is the Papa!Gil content I’ve been hungry for.

37:38. -”Bright, she said no.” ....and Gil doesn’t want him going in there either. It’s not safe for anyone. But especially not for Malcolm in his current mental state.

38:25 - “Don’t ever imply Bright doesn’t want to save lives.” YES TELL HER GIL. YES. I’m living my best life. The Papa!Gil fans were FED this episode. <3

38:51 - “They’re going to kill him.” I love this because I get it. My dad was abusive. I don’t like him and I don’t respect him. I think he’s a shitty human being. But I still love him. A part of me always will. Malcolm’s relationship with Martin is a little more complicated but it boils down to the same thing - no matter what a part of you will always love your parents. You might hate that part of yourself. You might try to suppress it. But it’s always there. Whether you like it or not. The idea that Martin will be killed? That’s terrifying for Malcolm because a dead Martin Whitly means he’ll never ‘earn’ his father’s love. It means his chance of finding the father who loved him pre-age 10 is gone forever. And that’s terrifying. Malcolm will grieve what he lost but he won’t grieve Martin as a human being - just who Martin could’ve been for Malcolm.

39:22 - Gil chasing Malcolm <3 I’m in love.

39:55 - Again, where the hell did Hector get these clothes? He sure as hell didn’t steal that plaid shirt from Malcolm’s place or the EMTs.

40:10 - Hector is my favourite killer. I love him and I don’t know why.

40:50 - This sequence is haunting. Watching Gil, Jessica, and Malcolm terrified and concerned in isolating shots. <3 *Chef’s kiss*. AND THE FACT THAT JT is still with Jessica?!?! <3 Glorious. I’m here for it.

41:35 - I don’t like the way Capshaw looked at Malcolm when she said, “He’s your father.”.....it was appraising. Almost like she’s considering killing Malcolm to snub the whole Whitly family of potential killers.

42:17 - That line about karma......holy shit. Capshaw is evil #confirmed. Malcolm is a moron for not spotting it right this second.

42:55 - I have so many questions. 1) how did Capshaw get Martin in the car without anyone noticing? Like, why didn’t the security cameras catch it? 2) ....how much air circulation is in a car trunk? 3) How long has Capshaw been planning this? 4) is it really Martin in the car? Or someone else? ....maybe she had a goon kidnap Martin and take him to a secondary location after he left Claremont grounds? 5) Did Capshaw ever have a romantic interest in Martin? Was it ALL show?

AHHHHH this episode was amazing and I can’t wait for Tuesday. Thanks for hanging out. <3

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alittlewhump · 3 years ago

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Unbidden - Act 3, chapter 7

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Blaise walked in on Morgan after the worst of it had passed, but before he was ready to open his eyes or move. He groaned a protest as she checked his pulse. Her fingers felt hot against his skin. She was repeating his name, he realized.

"Morgan. Morgan. Come on, say something if you're all right."

He tried. His mouth made a couple of syllables but they were incoherent and nearly formless, not the words he'd been aiming for. He took a deeper breath and tried again, producing something not entirely unlike "all right". Close enough.

"What the fuck, Morgan?" Her tone of voice was hard to identify. He forced his eyes open a little. Her tone of face was also hard to identify. Partly relieved, partly annoyed, partly something else. "What the hell are you doing out here? Why didn't you let me know where you were? What are -" There was a clinking as she picked up the bottles. "Are you getting high? Tell me you have a better explanation than that," she said, disgust colouring her voice.

Morgan took another deep breath and pushed himself up into a seated position. He lurched sideways - the golem hadn't responded to his command properly. Wait, no, he hadn't commanded it properly. It was a golem, after all; moving them was not the same as moving his body. That was going to take some getting used to.

"You're going to have to start talking soon. I know it's not easy here, gods know I hate this fucking jungle and everything in it, but this is not an acceptable way to deal-"

"I'm not..." He winced. The pounding of his head intensified when he spoke. He tried to keep his voice low. "... doing that."

"You know I'd love to believe you, but the evidence is all pointing to you doing exactly that. Akarat's beard, Devak is useless after just one of these things and you're half his size. Why the fuck are you alone out here getting knocked off your ass on Alkor's concoctions? No, wait, let me guess - is it for the Balance?" Morgan closed his eyes. The revulsion in Blaise's voice was punishment enough; he wished she didn't have to be shouting, too.

"Yes, actually." As the words exited his mouth, it occurred to him that it was probably not the wisest choice of responses. At least it bought him a few precious moments of silence to gather his thoughts. Blaise was gaping at him open-mouthed when he risked looking at her again.

"You have ten seconds to explain yourself before I fucking lose it," she finally snarled.

"I came out here alone because I needed to focus. I took those potions because I needed the power."

"For what, exactly?"

"To fix this." The golem arm lifted on command this time.

"Fix what?"

Oh, she thought he was gesturing with that arm. His sleeve had fallen down to cover it. He pushed the fabric back up with his other hand, revealing the improved limb. The flesh was smoother than it had been, the valleys of its many scars filled in with new tissue. It was not quite the same colour as the rest of his body, strangely ashen now. It was pleasing to see it was no longer blackened as it had been. Possibly a side effect of integrating such a comparatively large item.

"This arm. It's a golem now."

"What? Really? You can do that? Holy-" She started to reach out, then stopped herself. "Hang on. Is that what Ormus got so upset with you about?"

Morgan wouldn't have characterized it as upset, exactly. The mage had expressed his reservations at length, though, and with some volume at times. He'd just wanted to draw upon the other man's experience, which apparently had included being an observer to some unfortunate experimentation with carnomancy. It had been an informative lecture.

"I considered his concerns." He could tell by the twist of her mouth that he'd chosen the wrong thing to say. "The benefits outweighed the risks," he explained. It didn't seem to help.

"Outweighed - how?" Morgan grimaced as the pitch and volume of her voice rose, stabbing a spike of pain behind his eyes. That particular turn of phrase only had one meaning. So she wanted more explanation, but clearly she didn't want to listen to it at the moment.

"Why are you so angry," he said quietly, pressing his hand to his eyes. Maybe if he just kept his voice low, she would follow suit. "I'm just trying to -"

"Why am - this is dangerous, Morgan!" She had not followed suit. She was just getting louder. "Out here, on your own, fucking - experimenting on yourself. You don't even have a sentry to keep watch. Did you forget about the jungle full of things that want to kill us? You could have died out here!"

That hit him just the wrong way. His head was throbbing, every inch of him was uncomfortable, and he couldn't muster up the energy to figure out how he was supposed to respond. Not when anything he could say was going to be wrong. "What does it matter," he hissed instead.

"It matters because you're my friend, you asshole!"

That snapped his eyes open. "What?"

Blaise turned away, throwing her hands in the air. "You're being an ass! I'm not going to apologize for saying it, honestly there's a lot worse I could think of to call you right now. We have an important job to do, you can't just take a big risk like this without - don't make that face, I said I'm not apologizing."

The rudeness wasn't the part he was having difficulty with. She could be upset for a lot of reasons, they didn't always make sense to him. It was something else that had brought his thought processes grinding to an abrupt halt.

"... I'm your friend?"

"Don't try to change the subject, of course you are, why wouldn't... wait, really? Seriously? Of course seriously, you're always serious. You honestly... all right, so why do you think I'm here in this horrible jungle in the first place?"

"Because an angel told us to come here."

"All right, yeah, that's true. But why was I in that tomb with you when we met the angel?"

"Because Jerhyn agreed you should pursue Baal, to cut off the demonic attacks at their source." He pulled at the hem of his shirt. It was better than it had been earlier, but it was still a discomfort. This reiteration of past events wasn't answering any of the questions he suddenly found himself with, either. At least Blaise's anger seemed to be fading.

"That's also true, but it's not the whole - all right, this isn't working. Look, of course we're friends. We've been friends ever since you buried - reburied - our old commander, at the Sisterhood." Morgan watched in confusion as she seated herself in front of him. It was possible she'd taken the portal lesson as a token of friendship, but... no, that didn't line up with the rest of the evidence.

"You said - after that, after Andariel - you said you didn't like me. Friends are people you like."

"Did I say that? I don't remember... but," she continued quickly, "there's a lot I don't remember. Sometimes I say things I don't really mean. Especially if I'm upset. I just say whatever pops into my mind, and it isn't always true."

"You also hit me several times."

Blaise grimaced. "I did, didn't I? But I apologized for it, I remember that much. I'm - do you really - all this time we've been travelling together, do you still think we aren't friends? That nothing changed? That I don't even like you? Even after everything that happened in the desert?"

"You're a good person," Morgan reminded her. "And you can be kind to someone even if you don't like them. I... yes, I assumed nothing had changed." He kept tugging at the rough threads of his shirt. "You never said anything to the contrary," he added. Between the confusion and the discomfort, he almost wished he could crawl right out of his skin like a moulting lizard.

"You idiot. Look at me." He did, nervously. She was looking into his eyes, eyebrows slightly raised, intense in her focus. No longer visibly angry, which was a positive. "Listen, I really mean this. You're my friend, Morgan. I like you, I like having you around. I think you're a good person too. I care about you, I care about what happens to you, and that's why I'm upset right now. I thought you were dead for a minute there. I know it's somehow not a big deal for you, but I care if you live or die. So talk to me next time before you do something big like this, all right?"

He had no idea how to respond. All he had were questions, mainly why? Why in all of creation would someone like her decide to choose him as a friend? Friends were supposed to be equals, in his understanding, and he was so much less than her in every measurable way. It didn't make any sense. But he would have to grapple his way through that baffling puzzle later. Right now she was looking expectantly at him, waiting for an answer.

"All right," he said. "I'll try."

"You'd better," Blaise said, holding his gaze for a long second. "Now what made you decide to... go through with this? I don't understand a whole lot of what Ormus says on a good day, but he seemed to think it was a really bad idea. And I know your arm was in rough shape, but I thought you had that under control."

At least Morgan had an answer ready for that question. He'd debated it for long enough to reach a concise conclusion. "Andariel left me crippled. Duriel was quick to see that weakness, and we are searching for much stronger demons than him. When I found a way to lessen the damage, I thought it wisest to take it. I do not wish to face a Prime Evil with an obvious vulnerability."

"All right, that's fair enough. I get it. Now, enlighten me. What would have happened if this... process didn't work?"

He looked down at his hands. Why did she have to ask that? Based on the conversation they'd just had, she wasn't going to like the answer, no matter how he put it. "It did work," he tried, turning the golem back and forth in demonstration, flexing its fingers.

"That's not what I asked." There was an edge to Blaise's voice, and Morgan fought the urge to flinch away. "You said the benefits outweighed the risks. I want to know what the risks were."

"I was very careful. Even after I found the dagger, I spent days and days thinking about it before I tried anything."

"Stop dancing around the answer."

"None of the ways it could have gone wrong were very likely to happen. I planned for that."

"Likely or not, what would have happened?"

He sighed. He knew he'd never win this battle of wills with her. "Bodies are complicated systems. Any mistakes could have been fatal."

"Morgan-"

"I didn't realize it would upset you," he hastened to add. "I wasn't trying to make you angry. I just wanted to be stronger, to be able to help you. To help keep the Balance," he added. His priorities were a little confused, between his duty and Blaise and the angel's entreaty, but they all pointed in the same direction at the moment.

Blaise pinched the bridge of her nose. "That's really not what I - all right, ignoring the rest of the problems with that for now, you can't help anything by being dead."

"I'm not dead," he pointed out.

"And I want you to stay that way, understand?" He nodded. It wasn't something he could promise, and he still didn't really feel like he'd grasped why she would want that, but the fact of her wishes was clear enough. She seemed mollified for the moment, giving in to curiosity instead.

"Now tell me about this," she demanded, pointing at the golem. "Was it hard? It must have been hard. You hardly ever use potions. What does it feel like? Did it hurt? Can I touch it? Why did you mention a dagger earlier?"

He held it out for her to examine. "I had to use an enchanted item to fortify it. Like I do sometimes with the clay golems. It was a dagger. The process was more complicated than I expected. It took a lot of energy, and there are some things I still want to try. But the side effects of Alkor's potions are stronger than I'm used to, and I don't want to take any more of them. So I'll have to wait."

She lifted his wrist, running one hand up to his elbow. "That feels so weird," she breathed, but it didn't stop her from repeating the gesture. "It's not quite like regular skin. Can you feel this?"

"Sort of." He actually hadn't given much thought to input like touch. It was nice that it didn't hurt like it had before, and that was as far as he'd considered it. The ache at the connection point was almost ignorable, minor in comparison. He did feel something, but it was hard to tell if it was actually from the physical contact, or if it he just thought he felt it because he could see it happening.

He asked the golem to relay a sense of touch and regretted it instantly. It gave him too much, and not the way he'd hoped - not enough focus on the outside, but a very clear sense of the softly pulsating pressure on each of the individual tendrils buried in the living flesh. It also drew more power from him to accomplish that, which was another new and uncomfortable sensation. He shut his eyes and told it to stop.

Blaise pulled back. "Sorry, was that too much?"

Morgan shook his head. "It's not that, it's not you." He took a steadying breath. "I was just trying something. I should have waited." He squinted up at the specks of light filtering into the building through the thick jungle canopy. "The plan was to rest for another hour or two."

"I guess I blew that, huh?"

"Yes. But I'm glad you came. You don't have to wait with me," he added after a moment's thought.

"Nah, it's nice enough in here. Good spot." She leaned back, propping herself up on her elbows. "I'm glad you finally figured out how to take a break."

"What do you mean?" Of course he knew how to take a break. Everyone knew how to rest, it was a simple matter of not doing anything.

"I mean it's good that you're taking the time you need to recover now. You know, instead of pushing yourself until you can barely walk." She gave him a pointed look. "Like in the desert, when we were looking for the Horadric cube."

"Oh." He had run himself ragged for that. But it had been worth it in the end. It had been essential to get them as far as they were now. Which was, upon reflection, still trailing behind the Prime Evils. It was difficult to know just how far behind they were. Tyrael had told them to hurry, he recalled with a jolt. It was slow going through the cursed jungle. This endeavour had only cost a few hours, but the nagging tug of urgency was starting to pull again.

Morgan took stock of himself. He'd planned to recuperate, but how much did he really need to? The shaking had stopped, his heart rate had returned to normal. He was feeling more than a little drained, though, and his head still ached painfully. "I'm nearly rested enough to start moving," he offered. "There haven't been as many demons down along the river, we could-"

"Don't even fucking think about it," Blaise said cheerfully. "I take it back. When normal, sane people say they're rested, they mean they feel good and they're actually ready to go. When you say it, you just mean you don't think you'll collapse right away. Do you understand the difference there?"

"The difference is that I know my limits," Morgan replied. That was necessary for a priest of Rathma, the ability to gauge oneself accurately, to be able to do the maximum amount of work without walking unnecessarily into death's embrace.

"The difference is that you seem to think your limit is dying!"

"Of course. Don't you?"

"Well, obviously that's a limit for everyone, don't get sarcastic with me."

"I'm not."

Blaise stared at him for a second. "No," she agreed, "you're not. You just... you're missing the point."

"What is the point?"

"Well, you wouldn't ask me to go out hunting demons the next day after being-" She cut herself off abruptly, looking away. "Right after getting seriously injured," she finished, "would you?"

"Of course not."

"But you don't treat yourself the same way."

"No," he agreed. "That's different."

"It shouldn't be different. Why is it different?"

"My duty is more important than my comfort."

Blaise rolled her eyes. "Ugh, your duty. Is it more important than your life?"

"Yes."

"No, it isn't!"

"Of course it is. Long ago, Rathma created our order with the sacred charge to maintain the Balance of the Great Cycle of Being. If it slips too far to the Darkness, the Chaos, humanity suffers. If it slips too far to the Light, the Order, humanity stagnates. Humankind can only progress if the Balance is even. We dedicate our whole selves to keeping the Balance. A single life or death is nothing to the Cycle. Death comes to all living things. And if there comes a time when my death would serve better than my life, I will gladly choose death. That is our way."

Blaise was silent for a time. "You know," she said eventually, "the more I learn about your Order, the less I think I like it."

Despite himself, Morgan's heart sank. The Order was a central part of him as much as he was part of it. If she didn't like it, it logically followed that she didn't actually like him either. That must have been a misunderstanding on his part. He often had trouble with people's intentions. She really just liked having him around, as she'd said - he'd been making himself useful enough for that, at least. That was fine. It was better that way, really. More familiar, easier to understand.

"You're more than just a tool for the Balance, Morgan," Blaise continued. Your life has value on its own."

"No, I - we don't... that's for other people," he said, taken aback. That was not at all what he'd been expecting to come next. And it was wrong. A kind sentiment, to be sure, but still wrong.

"Why can't it be for you?"

It was Morgan's turn to think quietly for a while. The relentless pounding of his head was making it hard to concentrate. Of course there was a reason, but the words to explain it wouldn't present themselves. Priests of Rathma had to hold themselves to a different standard than other people. They were selected to do important work, and in doing so, they shed the conceit of personal importance in favour of the truth. They stepped outside the normal systems of value and worth, for it would be impossible to measure anything accurately from the inside of that sphere. It had to be that way. It was important. There was value in it, a different sort than the value Blaise thought she saw in him.

That was a large and unruly concept, one that threatened to overwhelm the emotional control he'd managed to rebuild. She saw value in him. Not for his work, just for his... self. How strange, how wrong, how tempting. How good that might feel, if he let it. To be worth something in someone else's eyes. A long-buried part of him wanted that, much more strongly than he would have guessed. That part warred with his sense of duty, his obligation to the Order.

He didn't need validation, didn't need to prove himself to anyone any more - he'd been deemed adequate to take on a task for the betterment of humanity, and that was enough. He didn't need friends. That was a want, not a need, and a want that should have been overcome long ago. Personal relationships weren't forbidden per se, but they were dangerous in that they could lead to an erosion of objectivity. But if he could be very, very careful, that hopeful part of him suggested, maybe he could manage it. Maybe he could earn this. The possibility left him feeling strangely, pleasantly light.

"Well?"

Morgan blinked hard to refocus himself. "I don't have an answer for you," he admitted. Strangely, Blaise seemed to be satisfied with that response.

"Well, keep thinking about it. We aren't going anywhere for a while. You just... rebuilt your whole arm. Fuck, that's amazing. Take your damn time recovering."

#my writing #story: unbidden

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slowlyreadinghouseofmirth · 3 years ago

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Page 7

In truth, he had never liked her as well as at that moment -> Selden's affections here are plain to see, made so especially by subordinate clause 'in truth' which conveys an honesty and freshness about his feelings. Most importantly, he likes her when she is being her true self, unconventional, and willing to take risk. It's likely informed by his disillusion with high society and finding commonality in someone willing to disregard its etiquette. This is where Lily is unique.

There's also this sense that Selden likes Lily because she is impulsive and this sparks his curiosity to try and understand why she does the things she does-- understand Lily as a person.

He knew she had accepted without afterthought: -> This reaffirms Lily's lack of hesitancy, which alludes to how willing she is to be in Selden's company. It also shows how comfortable she is with him as she is aware of the rumours that could occur but never merits them with being a possibility, showing great trust.

Alternatively, being aware of the risks and having not afterthoughts could suggest that she doesn't fully understand the risks' depth and nuance as in future the situation at Monte Carlo would suggest, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

he could never be a factor in her calculations -> there's a colon that separates this clause from the previous one which suggests this is an explanation for Lily's certainty. To me this would point more towards Lily not really associating the risk of rumours with Selden because she trusts him so much. i.e she does not think of him when she thinks of the risks. But given that they are going up to his apartment it seems strange that Selden would not think himself a factor in her decision. It's therefore possible that he thinks that Lily does not think of him worthy of great consideration.

Also the noun 'calculations' would suggest a lot of thought had gone into the decision where it was previously implied it was one of impulse. This seems like Selden thinks that Lily is playing an intricate game, which further demonstrates his curiosity about her and need to understand her.

there was a surprise, a refreshment almost, in the spontenaity of her consent -> This further contrasts Selden's perception of Lily's 'calculations' and I think the narration is a fine weave between objective reality--where Lily is impulsive-- and Selden's subjective perceptions-- where Lily appears impulsive but there is something more complex informing her decisions. I think this is meant to show that Selden is blinded somewhat by his affections for Lily, seeing things deeper than what are there or what everybody else sees. Alternatively, we as the reader lack Selden's sight into the complexities of Lily and so she is introduced to us as other people see her, which isn't well at all, and we have to learn how Selden sees her. It's a challenge to care for Lily as he does.

The spontaneity invokes a light hearted and refreshing feeling of being in love which mirrors the honest of truth mentioned earlier.

So there's Selden's surprise at Lily being so spontaneous which draws back to a previous point about she is unique for being impulsive almost reckless. It's like we get a sense of her character and her environment from how the two are at odds with each other. Lily is impulsive; noone else of her class should be like that. In a way that makes her free from the system and yet shows her struggle against it but ultimately her struggle will be more defining.

She noticed the letters and notes heaped on the table -> I assume that this is a reference to future letters although I don't know if they would be the same ones. If they were, I don't even have the mental capacity to unpack that. Just the thought that Lily's fall is inevitable, that even when she is happy, having a nice time, an unknown omen lurks within the same room that will bring her sorrow... oh its symbolic, for sure. But I don't want to think about it.

Lily sank into one of the shabby leather chairs -> the verb 'sank' shows how at home Lily really is with this kind of surroundings, how the shabby whilst not fashionable or expensive, is comfortable. From this we and the the pile of letters we get an image of a a slightly disorderly but well-lived in home. This is one of the tragedies where we see the possibility of what her future with Selden could look like where it is unconventional but Lily is comfortable at home even with it.

"How delicious to have a place like this all to oneself! What a miserable thing it is to be a woman," -> I love Lily's exaggerated turns of phrases like 'delicious' and the exclamations; I think Wharton's emphasis on these exaggerations is to capture Lily's innocence through her speech by making it similar to that of a child who is easily excitable.

Again with the exaggeration but this time with 'miserable', we get the sense that Lily has found the world difficult as a woman to live in but miserable seems too strong of a word, certainly at this stage in the book and is sort of hidden within her other hyperbolised expressions. Maybe this creates a kind of cry-wolf situation where, when Lily properly starts to struggle, people don't take notice not only because it wasn't the done thing to do to talk about struggles but also because of her melodramatic personality, everyone thought the same stuff was happening as it had before and Lily was making a big fuss over nothing.

There is repetition of 'miserable' in association to being of female sex further down the page which is another example of Lily's melodrama. But at this point we as a modern audience start to question if she is actually alright (or at least I did). I'm not sure if a contempary audience if the time would have given the strict taboo over discussing any kind of struggle financial/physical health etc. let alone the discussion of mental health. From the impression I get of the time, the only real source of outlet for people struggling with mental health beyond self medication was art, which makes me wonder as to the position Wharton is writing this from.

she leaned back in a luxury of discontent -> The juxtaposition of 'luxury' and 'discontent' raises an important theme that wealth does not equate happiness and that Lily is not happy as a socialite but happy in the company of Selden, and that actually money is the source of Lily's unhappiness. In this specific context, she is lamenting her lack of freedom to live the lifestyle that Selden does.

"Even women," he said "Have been know to enjoy the privaledges of a flat." -> Putting the discourse marker directly after the subject of 'women' breaks it apart from the rest of the sentence and emphasises the extraordinariness of women being able to live independently. But it also raises the possibility of it and suggests that Selden thinks Lily is extraordinary and unconventional enough to achieve the possibility if she chose to.

"Oh governesses– or widows. But not girls– not poor, miserable, marriageable girls!" -> Again we have the breakdown of womanhood into distinct classes like governess, widows, and girls,which creates the idea that there's no intersections between any of them and is a reflection of of societies fixation for categorisation which loses sight the complexity of situations and problems. And it also makes it easier to place social stigmas like those on governesses and widows. Those stigmas are made apparent here but in contrast to how Lily describes girls, being a governess or a widow seems desirable.

In the list of adjectives 'poor, miserable, marriageable', marriageable is equated to these other adjectives and we see that Lily associates marriage with a poverty of kind, of the heart.

It's also interesting that Lily talks about herself as a girl where Selden speaks of her as a woman. Lily plays up her innocence as she has probably been taught to to make desirable marital match, but with that Lily carries around an air of immaturity and naïvity; she's still very child-like. Perhaps that's a part of her that's trying to cling to her youth so she doesn't have to face her future where she will need to marry to survive. Lily sees her adulthood as a constraint on her and her desires whereas Selden sees her potential.

"you mean Gerty Farish," she smiled a little unkindly. "But I said marriageable–" -> Okay so definitely a little tone deaf on Lily's part buts she's honest to a fault and her honesty is refreshing and entertaining.

I'm no expect on autism and don't claim to be but there's something about Lily's mannerisms here that reminds me of people who I know and am very close with who are autistic. And it makes me wonder if Lily was autistic and neurodivergence was recognised in her time if her fate would have been any different.

"Her cook does the washing and her food tastes if soup. I should hate that you know." -> I just love the imagery of the first sentence, it strikes my funnybone. I guess it also illustrates that Lily's privileged upbringing if she thinks this is a bad situation to live in.

Okay I'm going to bring in a bit of a technical term to describe the verb 'should'. So it's a modal verb (expressing possibility based on context) but specifically a deontic modal verbal, meaning that Lily's hate depends on social rules. When she says she should hate it it implies that society wants her to hate it but she wouldn't necessarily hate it. That's what that verb phrase implies in today's english, but language has changed since the time it was written so it may not have been written with this meaning, especially as a signifier of an older text is the use of modal verbs in places we wouldn't today and a lot more of them.

The shift from Selden's reflections to the quick dialogue and short simple sentences of action creates a lively and charged atmosphere that feels almost flirtatious in its rhythm but by the nature of the content is more domestic (preparing afternoon tea). The balanced turn taking feels comfortable in that they both have equal power in the conversation, being allowed to say what they want to and being listened to. It goes towards simulating what a possible future could be and also shows how happy they are in this moment.

#House of mirth #hom blogging #hom meta #Page 7 #Okay so I'm writing out these explanations ant half two in the morning off an emotional high/low of finishing sex ed s3 so apologies #I also did an English exam today so I may be more formal than usual sorry

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years ago

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Selflessness and Selfishness

Hello anons!

These asks can be answered together.

First of all, I will say that my feelings about the chapter changed with every different translation I received, so I think some things are purposelly left ambiguous and not completely solved because they will be later on.

As @hamliet mentioned in her meta, I think that the chapter is contrasting two different POV:

On one hand there is Hange and the alliance’s POV. They are not fighting for their loved ones. The SC have betrayed former comrades and their hometown to save their enemies. In this chapter, the Warriors too are asked to give up on their hometown and their families, so that they have a chance to save the rest of the world. They are asked to make a very selfless choice, they will be no rewarded for.

On the other hand there is Eren, who claims he is ready to destroy the rest of the world, so that his loved ones can live happily in the lie he will create afterwards, thanks to the Founding Titan powers. He is extremely selfish not only in what he is trying to obtain (destroying the world to let few people live), but also in the way he is pursuing it. As a matter of fact Eren is completely ignoring his loved ones’ feelings and pov.

At the same time, this panel:

Can be contrasted with these other two panels:

I pointed it out here as well:

Eren is so sure of his own future that he has stopped searching for an alternative. He can push forward because he only sees one thing. Mikasa and Armin have been more passive and reactive to the point that they almost stopped moving, but they are still looking for chances and for alternatives. Their vision is struggling against a deterministic perspective and this in itself adds to the idea that their path is different from Eren’s.

The panels above make it explicit. Eren is obsessed with moving forward and sees one single path. This makes him stronger in a sense, but also limited and dangerous.

In short, I think these two thematic conflicts will be solved by the end of the manga. Was there really only one way? Is it right to sacrifice one’s loved ones for the sake of the world? These questions tie to the central theme of freedom. How can humans be free if the future is set in stone? How can they be free if their loved ones are lost to a cycle of hatred? What does it even mean to be free?

In this meta I will mostly focus on the first conflict I underlined because I think it is the main one highlighted by the chapter itself. When it comes to the dychotomy selfishness/selflessness, Historia’s character is a key-one because she plays with these two concepts.

When she first appeared in the manga, Historia projected a selfless persona, but deep down her motivations were selfish. She was looking for a heroic way to die and Ymir pointed out to her how wrong that was. Throughout the Uprising, we explored Historia’s trauma and the reason behind her actions is explained. Historia was abused as a child and was taught she had to be a “good girl”, so that others would love her.

The Uprising was about her...well...”rebelling” against this mindset and fighting back. It was about her becoming a “bad girl” in the sense that she would have acted for herself. In this way, the dychotomy selfishness/selflessness, which had been present in Historia’s character since the beginning found a beautiful synthesis. In the end, Historia’s way of living for others was an unhealthy kind of “selflessness” rooted in a weak sense of self. Her willingness to live for herself was instead a positive kind of “selfishness”, which let her help others in a more genuine and effective way. This is because, all in all, people are a mixture of selfish and selfless traits and must find an equilibrium between them.

What about this chapter? In this chapter we see the lines of Historia’s new found equilibrium becoming muddled.

First of all there is this:

This line is a reference to when Levi told Historia to either run or fight. Here, Historia says there is no need to do either because she has accepted her role of queen and has chosen to do what she can to protect the island.

In short, it is as if Historia is going through the Uprising again, but in a reverse way. At the beginning of the Uprising, she had no idea what to do and by the end she chose to make the role of queen hers. It is not a role she wanted, but she still managed to make use of it to realize what she wanted. In short, she used what life gave her as better as she could.

At the beginning of the conversation with Eren, she is still trying to do the same. She sees no other option to save the Island than to go along with the MP’s plan. However, Eren challenges her and puts Historia’s whole perspective of herself into a crisis:

As people noticed, these two phrases are references to past moments. Historia is referencing Ymir when she told her to live with pride. Eren is referencing Historia herself, when she announced she would become a “bad girl”, who saves her friends.

In the cave scene, these two lines went together. This is because Historia becoming a “bad girl” is her way to fulfill Ymir’s request. However, in this chapter these two lines are juxtaposed. On one hand Historia says that she won’t be able to live pridefully if she does not stop Eren. On the other hand Eren asks her to be a “bad girl” and to save him once more.

In order to live her life with pride, Historia should stop Eren and save the world, even if this means she will go through a high personal sacrifice (losing a friend and becoming a titan herself). However, Eren insists she should just be a “bad girl” and live her own life as if the genocide of the world did not happen.

Who is right?

As one can see, the resolution Historia gained after the Uprising is being challenged. She can’t protect the world without sacrificing herself and she can’t protect herself without sacrificing the world. At the same time, she is asked to choose between a personal connection (Eren) and the world.

The choice Historia seems to make is to help Eren. Just judging by the chapter, she seems to be regressing and to give up on the idea of living with pride. She accepts the role of “bad girl” instead.

This ties with what has been an ongoing motif with Eren after the time-skip. Eren seems to take and twists ideas and concepts, which have been with the readers since the beginning.

Things like “freedom”, “moving forward”, “saving one’s friends” used to be inspiring, but right now they have been emptied of all their meaning. They have become slogans Eren keeps repeating to himself and to others. In a sense, Eren keeps facing the world with the same two or three ideas he has had since he was a child. However, the world has become too complex to be experienced with those same mechanisms. Still, Eren refuses to change his mindset. Because of this, what made those ideals inspiring in the beginning is absent from what Eren does and says now.

In this chapter, Eren is doing the same with what Historia said in the cave. The point of Historia’s arc was not to become a selfish girl, who would sacrifice others for her sake. The point of her arc was to live not for others, but for herself. She had to become proud of who she was. This is why since the cave she has been trying to live pridefully. However, here Eren is using the words, which were symbolic of her change, to ask her to fulfill another role for him. Eren wants Historia to be a “bad girl”, but this is not qualitatively different from being a “good girl”. It is just a different adjective and a different role, but it is still a role. It is still not what Historia wants. Historia does not want a genocide, but she seems to be giving in to the fear for her future and to the feelings Eren’s words provoke in her.

Historia and Eren are the two protagonists of the Uprising and they are the two people, who changed Paradis. However, right now they are discussing of bringing Paradis back to how it was. Eren, who used to despise people accepting their peaceful lives, wants to reduce his friends to “cattle” without will of their own. Historia, who wanted to stop with the lies of the First King, seems to be supporting a plan, which will end with a huge lie.

The world envisioned by Eren is the same world we started with. It is a world where humanity is almost gone and only the people of a tiny island have survived. Eren rebelled against that world, but when all is said and done he is going back to it because he is not able to accept a more complex world than that. Ironically, he is not moving forward, but he is going back.

What does Mikasa have to do with all of this?

It seems that in Eren’s mind, his feelings for Mikasa are connected with Historia’s line. The nature of the connection is still unknown. We can’t infer it from the chapter alone because we still lack a part of the conversation. Why does Historia immediately think of having a baby to escape the MP? There were tons of other ways to succeed at it. And why does Eren connect that moment with Zeke’s question?

We still don’t know.

What is sure is that both Historia and Mikasa are important for Eren. What is more, they will probably end up representing different things, when it comes to his character.

After all, they have been associated before in Eren’s mind:

However, it is still too soon to properly explore this juxtaposition. As for now, if what the chapter shows is to be taken at face value, Mikasa and Historia’s reaction to Eren seems to be opposite.

Historia seems to be choosing her connection with Eren (the moment in the cave) over everything else, even her promise to Ymir.

Mikasa is instead going through an arc, which will probably lead her to kill Eren in the end:

In a sense, this is the same conflict of the serum bowl through a different lens. Once again characters are asked to choose between their loved ones and the bigger picture.

There might still be more to Historia’s choice than what was shown this chapter, so I won’t comment on her anymore. I will say instead that the difference between Mikasa and Eren, which emerged in the serum bowl is showing itself fully in this arc.

Mikasa accepted the inevitability of loss and also that there is more than her and her loved ones. Eren did not. What is more, Eren also missed Levi’s teaching in that situation. It is true that Levi chose Erwin over the world, but he still did it selflessly because he understood what Erwin wanted and gave it to him, even if that was not what Levi personally wished.

Not only is Eren choosing his loved ones over the world, but he is also choosing his own personal version of the world over his loved ones. Mikasa is instead willing to stop Eren from doing what is wrong. Moreover she is willing to stop him precisely because she loves him:

Similarly, she is slowly breaking free of the ideal image she used to have about Eren. She is coming to a full understanding of who Eren is as a person. Despite this, she still cares about him.

When it comes to this, it is interesting that Eren is so conflicted about Mikasa’s feelings for him. As a matter of fact, it is as if Eren is not fully able to grasp how and why Mikasa cares so much for him.

This is why he asks her about it in Marley and later on questions Zeke about the Ackermans. A contrived genetical explanation seems to him more plausible than Mikasa simply being in love with him.

At the same time, Eren is trying to refuse these feelings and to force Mikasa to hate him. He deeply hurts her in chapter 112 and apparently even tells Luise to destroy Mikasa’s scarf.

This has probably to do with the fact that Mikasa reminds Eren of a part of himself he is trying to repress:

Mikasa loves the kind side of Eren, but this is a side Eren refuses because it is also his most vulnerable one.

These are my main thoughts on the chapter and they answer many questions by the anons. To some of the more specific asks, I will give short and individual answers.

#snk #snk 130 #snk meta #eren jeager #historia reiss #mikasa ackerman #my meta

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vegalocity · 3 years ago

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The Interrim-Red Groom AU

So i’m diving backward into the ‘Dont worry about it’ pool after that finale

SO DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT YOU GUYS WHO’S UP FOR MORE PRINCESS BRIDE AU?

I had to make an entire scene up because for the Story to keep going Princess Bride Style Red Son needed to get fucked over one more time

Soon enough three days time had passed and Red Son was ready to make his escape. Due to the nature of his ruse against the prince he hadn't made any arrangements to set up a forge or workshop for his passions, so he didn't have much by way of equipment to make his escape, and every day the prince asked to join him for at least one meal, wherein he would 'politely' ask over Xiaotian, claiming to want to know a little about the man whom had stolen his groom right out from under him.

He said these things in jest and laughter, but Red Son was no fool and could easily see the flint behind his eyes, ready and willing to twist any information Red Son gave about Xiaotian against him, to try and convince him that his beloved wouldn't take him back. Willing to take whatever details he gave him and put them in some falsified letter of rejection in attempt to make him believe his love wanted him no more, so he wouldn't put up a fight any longer.

So he lied. He spoke of not the Inn that he'd met Xiaotian in, but implied he'd always been the lord of his mountain. How they hadn't been able to be engaged due to his parents having a letter of neutrality between his family and Xiaotian's own, and how he'd had to go on a perilous journey to nullify that arrangement, but they'd believed him dead. He told him Xiaotian favored poetry, and was in fact a gifted shapeshifter, preferring a more human appearance like himself as it made travel far easier when people underestimated you.

The prince had soon grown bored of his prattling, and Red Son found it almost ironic that for once he was not speaking of tinkering and his projects when his conversational partner stopped listening. After those meals scarce as they were, the prince ended up straightening his back primly and claimed he had a meeting of some sort with his macaque general, and left him to his devices.

So now here he was, ready to make his escape.

It took actually took the longest time to try and pare down an outfit from this place so that it would be inconspicuous enough to use for travel, but he'd managed, sneaking some nonperishable food and a spare dagger into his pack for preparation and extra protection had been easy. He just made it seem to the servants that he was still anticipating the response to a letter that was never sent, and eagerly awaiting for a letter that would not exist that stated his return to Xiaotian's mountain was expected, and thus was slowly yet steadily prepping for the journey. The pitying glances he could sense the servants shooting him definitely told that they were aware of the fact that he was being 'tricked'.

But Red Son paid them no mind, after all, he knew the prince was full of lies, and he was going to be gone before the night's end anyway.

But then Red Son was summoned for his usual meal with the prince, and he willed his nerves to freeze over. He couldn't let his plans slip, while he'd long since regained his strength form his injuries in the forest he was only one demon and there was a mountain of servants and guards that would be standing between him and making a break for it if he didn't have stealth on his side.

“Beloved.” The prince greeted him as he entered. “My messengers have returned from their trip.” In three days time? How oblivious did he take him for?

Nonetheless he perked up, did his best to look eager and excited. He was never quite sure if he looked convincing, but he just needed to pretend for a few more hours.

The letter was brought right over to him, and he quickly undid the seal to reveal a message that in no way was written by his love. Though they did a good job at pretending, claiming it was written by 'his mother'—Xiaotian had never spoken of his biological parents, and his adoptive ones were both men, but in his prattling Red Son had invented a mother for his fake backstory—and that she was writing in 'her Son's stead as he was too upset and angry to be able to make a readable response. Going on to say that Xiaotian had returned to 'their mountain' in tears and had sworn that this was one too many cruelties Red Son had delivered him, and that he never wanted to speak to someone so two faced he convinced him twice of their supposed love only to twice have his heart ground into the dirt by him ever again.

It was well phrased, he'd give the prince that. It even stung a little when the supposed 'mother' had regaled that 'Xiaotian' had bitterly given 'his blessing' to his impending marriage. The thought of his love, bitter and betrayed, felt so wrong his heart hurt just at the idea.

But he couldn't let himself linger on that lest he lose his courage.

“This cannot be...” he breathed, hoping beyond all hope his knowledge of the deception read as simply denial.

“Is there something wrong?” The Prince asked around his cup. “Surely your beloved made it home safely.”

“This cannot be...” he didn't know what else to say without possibly giving himself away, so he could only hope that it sounded like shock.

“Beloved?”

He stood, he had to get out of the prince's sight before he failed to properly mask his knowledge.

“This is a lie! She... She never approved of us!” Red Son hoped at least that gave his reaction plausible deniability.

“Didn't you recently just regale to me that Xiaotian's mother loved you as a suitor for her son?” He cursed internally, but before he could scramble to cover the lie the prince continued. “Beloved, I know it must be hard to hear, but we had an agreement. Xiaotian wants no more to repair what he believed you threw away, his mother;s missive reveals as much. You gave me your word that no matter his desire you would respect his choices. Don't be selfish, love.” Red Son would be lying yet more if he claimed that that didn't sting a little.

But he'd get to that bridge when he got to it, so he turned on his heel and stormed from the room. The servants gave him a wide berth as he marched towards his rooms, face fierce but mind preoccupied with escape plans.

So preoccupied in fact he didn't notice a particular shadow following behind him.

Upon reaching his quarters he made sure to scare off any staff that would rat him out and began to scream, his fire coursing and bursting out from his body in waves, scorching the furniture around him and leaving piles of soot to build up atop his shoes. Soon enough the room had enough damage for word of his fury to have been carried to the prince, and the servants far too afraid to make their way in for quite some time. He'd have about an hour of being given a very wide berth before someone came in to check up on him.

Red Son darted for his bed and hidden among the luxurious blankets was his makeshift bag, he double checked the contents inside and nodded to himself when he came to the conclusion that everything was in order. Then he approached the writing desk and reached beneath it. Feeling around for a moment he grinned slightly to himself as he pulled out the small bottle. He'd always gotten praises in potion making, but this wasn't a potion that would make his tutors proud. He didn't NEED any magical properties in it, he just needed it to be flammable.

Which it was.

Just as he went over his plan one more time the shadows in the room seemed to flicker, and Red Son felt strikingly cold despite the amount of fire he'd just unleashed.

“I told him you were more clever than he was expecting out of you.” The voice startling him and nearly causing Red Son to drop the potion in his hands, he scrambled with the glass bottle and turned to the source of the noise.

The Six eared macaque had appeared in his room, how had he gotten in there without him noticing?

“Oh... I uhm...” He didn't have a lie prepared, Red Son's mind raced to try and come up with a plausible excuse but improvisation was never his strong suit, he would so quickly grow flustered and frustrated and usually do himself in so how could he be expected to lie convincingly on first bout?

“Don't waste a perfectly good lie trying to cover up what we both already know.” The macaque stated, a sort of boredom in his voice that made Red Son stiffen. “You know the letter was false, you know what the prince has planned for you.” The macaque took a step forward and Red Son prepared to fight him, but remembered after a beat the fire resistance charm he'd had on his person scant few days ago. He likely had it on him right now.

“I love it, he can't stand it, but I love it... Of course that also means his plans are a complete waste of your talents as far as I'm concerned. If he hadn't planned that whole 'spider queen and her ilk' situation Your lover wouldn't have found out until it was too late, and we probably could have convinced you to go to war if he'd just been a bit more patient.”

“You're talking an awful lot for someone who supposedly is on his side.”

“I'm on MY side, highness.” The macaque said easily. “The Prince is no one to sneeze at, but then again, neither are you. Tell me, should I endorse this little sneak about and help you escape? What would benefit me from not telling the prince about your little explosive and your plans?”

He racked his brain for a moment. “I can tell my parents of your assistance in enabling my escape, they'd no doubt give you the same power you have here, accompanied by my family's resources you'd find yourself with more force behind yourself than you'd know what to do with. Or if I told Xiaotian he could do the same at his own mountain, he's not exactly a nobody either-”

That second part was a mistake, by how the macaque's expression darkened. “Yes I know He's the 'New Monkey King'. Sun Wukong's Body double.” He stated simply. But before Red Son could take it back or just ensure alliance with his own family, he found his arms being restrained. A pair of clones made of shadow clung to his sides and while they dispersed quickly under his fire it was only for a moment.

Then there was a golden glow, and his arms all at once felt very heavy indeed as a cold pair of cuffs—the second set of wrist cuffs that the macaque had shown him- how had he forgotten about those?—activated and forced his wrists together. The magic quickly worked its way through his system again and he felt a cold shudder wrack up his spine.

“Your 'beloved' was quite loose lipped once I got him going on the machine. Don't hold it against him, highness, I haven't met a single man that could hold up against that level of pain.”

for a moment the words didn't process in his head, abut when they did any other thought flew right from his head.

There was only rage.

It was pathetic really, how quickly he'd been apprehended, how his fire had only a moment outside his body before once again being turned back round onto him, and his body—now remembering the pain he could do onto himself—forced his magic to cease. There was no instinctual blaze to shatter the cuffs this time, because he realized as more of the macaque's shadow clones pinned him down, that he didn't believe him.

There was no way that Xiaotian had been this monster's plaything. He had learned whatever it was he'd implied he'd learned through other methods, maybe as simple as recognizing Flower Fruit Mountain and Xiaotian had to explain the situation to him.

But If it was just his own escape the macaque was stopping then wouldn't he have not wasted the time in toying with him like that? Wouldn't he have just told the prince and been done with it? Put the cuffs on him without the monologue? Why would he waste his time in trying to trick Red son into believing him possible to sway?

Unless-

Unless he'd heard about Xiaotian planning on coming back for him himself

He almost wanted to laugh even as the clones forced him back to his feet and the Macaque crushed his liquid fireball in his hand. He was unsure if anything could make him as fearful or angry or whatever feeling it had been to make him break his restraints again as they did back in the forest, but it explained his knowledge of Xiaotian's identity, as well as his anger, and his attempt to trick Red Son. To test to see how far Red Son was willing to go to to defy the prince and follow his own heart.

But that didn't matter.

Xiaotian was coming for him.

It was a bitter medicine to take, to have to once again rely on his love to save him, rendered with naught but his intelligence on his side and left close to defenseless with these stupid cuffs back around his wrists, but He'd make it up to him.

For everything Xiaotian had done for him and how thoroughly Red Son had proved himself unworthy of such devotion, Red Son swore then to himself, that once this was all over, once he and Xiaotian were safe he'd make it all up to him. For every moment for the rest of their shared lives together.

Because when he saw him again he was never letting go.

–

“Captain I've heard rumors that the Monkey King is planning on killing my groom.’”

“My prince I've heard no such rumors-”

“Are you implying my spymaster lies to me?”

“Of- of course not my prince! What must be done to protect your groom before the wedding?”

“I'm currently having my beloved moved to a safer, more secure room in the palace to ensure no harm shall befall him before the wedding date, and we're moving the wedding itself up a few days. Go to the village and nearby forest, and the closest town, and round up all with former criminal histories. I want every possible hired gun behind bars by the time of my wedding in three days time.”

“Three days time your highness? Such a feat would require more men than we have at our disposal at the moment-”

“Then form a brute squad! You have my clearance! I want my prince safe from all harm! If He dies, then we'll have no choice but to go to war and we lack the men for such an insurgence against the Monkey King! I would have to go to his parents begging for assistance and that is not a bar I am willing to lower myself to!”

“Yes your highness!”

“Go! Waste no time!”

“Of course!”

–

Xiaojiao stared into the bottom of the jug of wine. Drained, just like all the others.

Her head was pleasantly fuzzy and the wine in her blood buzzed comfortably. It was a familiar state, she wasn't dependent on intoxication, but when she was at her lowest she would often find solace in the buzzed pleasantness of a good bender. Because here she was again.

No work, no leads, no friends.

Spider Queen had told her if they got separated that she should go back to where 'it started' i.e. The inn they'd gotten the job at. So she'd rented a room, and spent the next few days waiting, and when it became clear neither the Spider Queen, nor even Sandy were turning up, when Xiaojiao was made aware that she was well and truly alone, she blew most of her money on as much wine as she could get her hands on and began to chug.

She felt much like the scared twelve year old she once was, clinging to the handle of the Jade Sword and telling herself it didn't matter how terrified she was, as she HAD to fight. Her scar twinged at the memory.

At least no one would sell wine to a twelve year old. She didn't USED to be this pathetic when she was lonely and sad and on the verge of despair. She used to have other avenues to vent it all when it became too much.

Someone could storm right in right now with news on finding the Six Eared Macaque and Xiaojiao couldn't even be sure if she'd believe them for how despondent she felt.

“Long Xiaojiao?” A voice broke her reverie. Xiaojiao blinked blearily up at the tough looking fellow before her.

“Who wants to know?” she slurred.

“You've been arrested twice for assault and once for theft, as a security precaution all with criminal records are behind detained for the next three days by order of the prince.”

She scoffed. “I'd like to see you try, buddy.” Her fingers felt heavy but she lifted the sword easily.

Her form was off, her limbs felt loose and limp, but she still held her own against the brute's clumsy axe swings. It would be pathetic to lose to this chump.

But before the fight could be solved one way or another, a pair of blue hands wrapped around the brute's torso and lifted him into the air.

And Xiaojiao was met with a very familiar (if blurry through her impaired vision) red bearded smile.

“Sandy!”

“Xiaojiao! So nice to see you again!” Sandy set the brute down but kept hold of his torso. “This is the friend I told you about captain, she's far more dangerous alone than she is with me. I'll keep her out of trouble, I can promise you that!”

She loved watching Sandy loom. The aura around him making anyone who didn't know him reel back as every alarm in their brains fired off danger signs. His pleasant grin and tone didn't change but to the people around them that was more frightening than before.

“Just mark her name right off there and I can handle the rest!” Sandy chirped and the shaking brute did just that, stiffly turning and marching out of the inn.

“Sandy you old bastard.” She cooed delightedly as Sandy shifted his focus back onto her and she felt the cool blue hands wrap around her own torso before she was pulled into a hug.

“You smell like wine, Are you okay, Xiaojiao you don't drink unless...-” Sandy shot her a far too knowing look.

“I've been better buddy, I'll admit.”

“Well, If it helps I've heard a lot of rumors and seen a lot of things as part of this little 'brute squad' some things that might interest you.”

“Hm?” She leaned into Sandy's embrace, her friend really gave the absolute best hugs.

“I think I found the Six Eared Macaque.”

Xiaojiao wasn't sure if it was disbelief, shock, sudden crashing cresting hope, or just the wine, but she suddenly got very dizzy.

And then everything went black.

#Monkie kid #LMK #Princess Bride AU #Red groom AU #MK Red Son #Six eared macaque #Long Xiaojiao #MK Sandy #Vega writes stories too #-shuffling Season 2 thoughts under the rug-#it's fine it's fine who wants some princess bride as a distraction?#it's fine it's fine #spicynoodleshipping

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a-crimson-lion · 5 years ago

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My Thoughts On Chapter 257 and Why I Think The Bakudeku Dynamic Is Still Fundamentally Broken

[Spoilers and Bakugo-Bashing ahead. Long post. Avoid if you don't want to see.]

Look, I can kind of see why people enjoy the idea of Izuku and Katsuki making up and being friends again after all the crap Katsuki did. Honestly, if Horikoshi had set it up right, I might have been rooting for them, too. Of course, I don't root for it, because I don't see much improvement in the dynamic, especially on Katsuki's part.

Before I get started, remember: if you like the dynamic between Izuku and Bakugo, that's fine. This post probably isn't for you, and that's fine, too. I'm not writing this post to attack anyone personally, but if you feel offended, feel free to ignore this post and go about your day. I'd like it if we could be respectful of one another's opinions. Sound good? Good.

Now, let's begin...

So the big thing in this chapter (257 chapters, dear God...) is that we're finally learning a bit more about the OFA Holders. For starters, we now know the Black Whip user's name: Banjo Daigoro (heads up, the "Go (五)" in Daigoro means "Five," continuing the trend of OFA Holders having their wielder number in their names). We've also learned that Nana's Quirk was "Float" or "Levitation," which makes a lot of sense.

(I mean, Flight is one of the most iconic superpowers besides super strength, and since Nana is Izuku's metaphorical grandmother, it's incredible for her to be using such a by the book super power. Plus, it only compliments her friendship with Gran Torino, another hero with a flight Quirk.)

I'm rambling at this point. As intriguing as the Quirks of the previous holders is, my attention (as well as other readers' attention) was pulled towards Katsuki. Most say that the relationship between Katsuki and Izuku was adorable in this chapter. Others say Katsuki was a gremlin, but they still love him for it.

Well, pardon my pessimism, but if I'm using the phrase right, it looks like I'm gonna be playing devil's advocate.

[Keep in mind, the official translations haven't dropped yet, so this might screw up my analysis a bit.]

There's another meeting about OFA between Izuku, Toshinori, and of course Katsuki. Toshinori talks a bit about how he couldn't find everything for the previous holders, and what does Katsuki say?

If you don't know it then just leave it at that, I'm waisting my precious time on you guys.

There are a handful of other rude/passive-aggressive ways Katsuki could have phrased that. He could have made it sound like "That's nice and all, but could we skip to the important stuff?" But no, even though this information is crucial to Izuku, even though Katsuki has every right to just stay out of the room since the conversation won't benefit him, he says they're wasting his "precious time." Once again, Katsuki is being self-centered, but that isn't anything new.

A little later, Katsuki is taking a loom at the notebook, and he remarks that all the Quirks Izuku got must have been lame. Katsuki is immediately writing the Quirks off just because they aren't upfront with their badassery. Izuku appreciates all Quirks because he wasn't born with one, but Katsuki only appreciates strong Quirks because that's what society and his own self image have taught him up to this point.

Think of it this way: A man with diamonds can't understand why a man is happy with silver, but a man with nothing understands the value of both.

Katsuki's Quirk is admittedly versatile and efficient, and I can respect the work he put into it. However, immediately dissing less flashy Quirk's might be his downfall. Characters like Sir Nighteye don't have "powerful" Quirks, but are still capable adversaries thanks to how they use them in tandem with their other abilities. Foresight might not be a powerful Quirk in a fight, but Nighteye's own strategy, deceivingly ripped physique, and his high-density stamps help round him out as a capable opponent. We've seen Izuku utilize Black Whip in ways which can be definitely declared badass. Even Nana's Quirk can be used in incredible ways, especially considering Izuku's strategy and relentnesses.

Speaking of Nana's Quirk, here comes the part I hate the most...

Lots of readers talk about how Katsuki and Izuku's dynamic has grown a lot since their middle school days. That's not to say the statement isn't true, because there has been some growth, but I feel like most of it is exaggerated. Katsuki and Izuku haven't had an introspection (or at least a meaningful one) on themselves where they've come to grips with their faults and have vowed to change for the better. Izuku doesn't stop to think that maybe Katsuki shouldn't have treated him the way he did since they were kids, because Izuku's more concerned about heroism, mastering OFA, and (ugh) proving to Katsuki that he'll surpass him, being his image of victory. Katsuki hasn't really thought about his actions aside from that one time after the Provisional License Exams that ultimately amounted to nothing. It's been said time and time again by several in the fandom that Katsuki hasn't really changed, and for as much growth (or lack thereof) as he's had throughout the entire course of the series, the statement is not without merit. Case and point: the very first thing Katsuki spits out to Izuku when All Might reveals Nana's Quirk?

I WON!

He's more concerned about his own image and pride then about Izuku's progress. He's already got flight down, so instead of leaving it at that or (highly unlikely) offering to help Izuku figure out the whole flight thing, he decides it's a great thing that Izuku will waste his time learning something Katsuki already knows so Katsuki can make sure he can beat Izuku yet again. He's not adding anything to the conversation, and while Izuku isn't personally bothered, Katsuki's next words are not okay, even if they're relatively tame.

Before you tell me that Katsuki is just trying to encourage Izuku or something like that along those lines, let's take a look at their proceeding dialogue:

T-that's not true! I'll just master it and catch up to you!!

You're just going to panic again! Explode and go to Hell!

Buy I managed to get the gist of Blackwhip, so...

DIE!!

No hesitation...!

...Katsuki is not being encouraging in any way, shape, or form. He's being discouraging; in spite of Izuku's protest, Katsuki insists that Izuku is going to crash and burn once more. Never mind that Izuku isn't bothered by it, what Katsuki is saying is not okay. No one can be the best but him, so no one can improve... including Izuku. Forget about Izuku's previous feats, forget the fact that he learned to use the base Quirk without damaging himself AND a second Quirk in less than a year. As long as Katsuki can pull ahead, stupid Deku won't be able to catch up and he'll prove that he'll forever be the best.

...can you feel my frustration with this character?

And then there are the panels where Izuku looks like he reading the journal, and Katsuki is making a gremlin face while make the "kill" gesture across his neck, and All Might's looking at it like it's something precious. Other people called this scene adorable, but for me, it only proves that Katsuki hasn't changed and WHY he hasn't changed. He still treats Izuku as someone lesser instead of as an equal; he might not be Quirkless anymore, but for Katsuki, Izuku just another extra to surpass. And then Izuku tries to be civil with Katsuki, but... the boy really does not care about him. And then people like All Might don't know the full depth of their relationship and consider this a massive improvement, and see no reason to confront Katsuki or Izuku about their issues.

Seriously, the narrative is so contrived in Katsuki's favor, I'm losing hope that Horikoshi will ever try to fix it properly.

And before you give me Izuku's whole spiel about:

I never thought the day would come where I could speak so naturally with Kacchan.

NARRATORS! CAN! BE! BIASED!!!

Just because Izuku is the protagonist and overall honest does not mean his views/relationship with Katsuki are ultimately well. I'm not saying he's an unreliable narrator, since he hasn't really gone to Delusion City as he's told us the story, but it's very clear that he doesn't give Katsuki's actions too much thought. Him suddenly being able to talk casually with Katsuki is not a major feat: EVERYONE ELSE can casually talk to Katsuki just as well even if his personality is, quoting Denki, "flaming crap mixed with sewage." At this point, I'm just tuning out all the times the narrative tries to claim that Izuku is completely mentally sound, or that Katsuki has made significant progress.

You can keep shouting it from every roof top you want to, but unless you're showing CONSISTENCY, you're not showing substance.

So, TL;DR This chapter continues to push the Bakudeku rival dynamic while instead showing how Katsuki has ultimately barely changed and is continually enabled by other characters and the narrative to continue his behavior because virtually everyone around him has an abnormally high tolerance for his bulls***.

That's all I can write right now. Thank you for reading.

-Crimson Lion (18 January 2020)

#bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #izuku midoriya #katsuki bakugo #katsuki bakugou #bnha 257 #character analysis #meta #drabble #long post #anti bakugo #anti bakugou

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enkelimagnus · 3 years ago

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Hardwood

Bucky Barnes Gen, 2393 words, rated T

Jewish Bucky Barnes, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier: Episode 5 Truth

Bucky decides to make his Brooklyn house a little more of a home for him, to his taste. A worried neighbor comes a-knocking.

TW: mention of murder of children (brief)

Read on AO3

Part 35 of Making a Home - the Jewish Bucky series

--------------

Three days after he comes home from Delacroix, Bucky grabs a frayed edge of carpet from his bedroom floor and pulls. It comes off with a loud tearing sound, but he just keeps pulling, effortlessly baring the hardwood underneath.

He doesn’t really know why he does it. He just sees the edge and pulls and he’s halfway down the room when he realizes the furniture is definitely on the way, and if he wants to do this, he’s going to have to plan it out. You don’t just redecorate this easily.

At least as far as he knows.

He’s never done this before. His parents’ home had stayed the same through his entire life, as far as he knew. Furniture was moved once a year before Passover, when they cleaned the place from top to bottom. And after that, he’d been through many safehouses, but his handlers had never had sudden desires to redecorate.

He doesn’t really know where to start. He knows he can’t remove the entire carpeting without taking out the furniture of the bedroom. He knows the color of the walls is horrible and he wants to change that. He knows that, by himself, it’s going to be an ordeal. But he doesn’t really know who to ask for help.

Miriam is way too old, he doesn’t have that good of a relationship with Charlie, and there is no way in hell he’s letting any of his coworkers remotely close to his personal life. So he’s going to do it by himself. One room by one room, probably.

Still, he uses his left arm to pull the bed off of the ground and the other one to pull the carpeting off from under it.

He guesses being a supersoldier has some advantages in this sort of situation.

It doesn’t take long for the entire hardwood floor of the bedroom to be bare, for the loud ripping noises that came with his hard, powerful pulls. The carpet won’t be usable anymore but he doesn’t care. He’ll throw it in the trash anyway.

Nothing Hydra touched should be given to someone else. It all deserves to burn.

He’s tired of this house feeling so much like a safehouse. He wants to change things, he wants it to be his house, not Hydra’s, on more levels than just legal. He wants to truly live here. It’s his, and he can do whatever he wants with it. He could have it bulldozed if he felt like it, but he doesn’t. He wants a home.

He’s halfway through ripping off the first guest room’s carpet when the doorbell rings.

It startles him. No one ever rings his doorbell. No one comes to see him. He’s lived there for a couple months now, and not once has that bell rang. He forgets for a brief instant that he’s holding the entire bed up with one hand.

Somehow, he manages to catch the heavy bed frame before it crashes into the floor and damages it.

Despite the surprise someone is ringing, Bucky takes the time to pull on his gloves. He’s already wearing a long-sleeved tshirt, and with the gloves on, no one can see the arm. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be fully comfortable in the open, in the daylight, with the arm out, even if it isn’t Hydra’s anymore.

He should probably get used to people knowing who he is. Anonymity isn’t something he’s allowed. Not after Berlin, not after the war with Thanos, not after Riga. Before all of that, no one would have recognized him. Bucky Barnes, Captain America’s right hand, was supposed to be long dead. The only Howling Commando to lose his life in the service of his country.

Now, if no one sees the arm, he can still pass for just another white man with a vague resemblance to someone that was one tv a couple of times. That’s all he can really have.

There’s no use in raging against it. The past couple of decades of the rise of social media has made it impossible for him to be erased. Zemo knew what he was doing in Vienna.

The person behind the door is breathing steadily. They don’t seem to be filled with adrenaline, not with that relatively calm heartbeat. There is no telltale sign of aggression or preparation for violence. Bucky swallows, takes a deep breath and opens the door.

Behind the wooden panel is his neighbor. They’re tall, relatively thin, with hair so short it’s more like a five o’clock shadow spreading over their skull. They smile at him. Bucky stares. He doesn’t mean to. He doesn’t know if he’s ever seen his neighbor in the daylight.

“Hi there, I’m your neighbor,” they say, pointing towards their door, as if Bucky hasn’t recognized the one person that knows when he goes running from his nightmares. “I heard some strange noise, everything’s okay?”

Bucky keeps staring for a moment. He didn’t think the ripping of the carpeting would be loud enough to attract attention. But he was wrong. He didn’t imagine it would sound stranger than his occasional nightly shouts of terror or pain.

He quickly gets back to reality as the neighbor in front of him stares back with a smile.

“Hi,” he ends up saying. “Hm, I was… I was pulling the carpeting off of my bedroom floor. Nothing to worry about.”

It’s strange, having neighbors that seem to care whether you’re dying a strange horribly, ripping death. Or maybe they’re worried he’s killing someone, or doing some other horrible thing he would have done as the Winter Soldier.

Either way, this person’s presence in front of him right now is peculiar. It makes him think of Mrs Naumescu, his parents’ left neighbor, who would come knocking whenever she heard something that worried her.

There had been a couple of nights where Bucky had snuck back in, sometimes with Steve, sometimes after dropping Steve off at his own place, where she had heard him come in and come knocking to warn his parents of an intruder, or scare away said intruder. She’d had a baseball bat in her hand - her son’s.

Hopefully this neighbor won’t be as worried for his safety.

“Do you need help?” they ask, and Bucky stares at them again, bewildered. He wasn’t expecting to be asked such a thing. He wasn’t expecting anyone to want to help.

“I’m pretty strong…” He starts, and then stops.

He can do it alone. But he could also take the offered help, for once. There’s an outstretched hand. What horrible thing can they do to him that hasn’t already been done? He knows better than to dismiss them as just a neighbor - after all, he knows plenty of very common and innocent-looking spies. But what harm can actually be done to him?

“You know anything about hardwood floors?”

For the rest of the morning, Bucky keeps the gloves on. There are only a couple of instances of him displaying strength that is just on the edge of unusual, but they don’t comment on it. They do exchange names and - to Bucky’s surprise - pronouns.

The neighbor’s name is Olly and they use they/them pronouns. To his own shame, he has to be given an explanation on what that means. He’s so deeply out of touch with that part of the world. A part of the world that he supposedly belongs in, according to today’s definitions. Because Steve was a man, and even if he’s the only man Bucky ever willingly wanted, it still counts.

It should have been a fluke, a one-off. It shouldn’t have counted if it was only Steve. But it does, supposedly. Bucky doesn’t know much about that.

They work fast, get the carpeting out of the two other guest rooms as well as the corridor. Turns out, Olly knows how to take care of hardwood floors. They know a lot of stuff about remodeling and house work. They end up establishing together a list of items needed to properly finish the job, and do what Bucky actually wants for his home.

Bucky makes them sandwiches for lunch, with pastrami, mustard and pickles. It’s a cliché perhaps, but it’s delicious. There are a couple of beers in his fridge.

“You’re good at all of this,” Bucky says, swallowing a mouthful of pastrami. It’s a little too dry. He misses the butcher he went to as a kid. His pastrami was amazing. He hasn’t been able to find one that compares with his memories yet. “Is it what you do for a living? House renovation?"

They chuckle, shaking their head. "Oh wow, no, not at all. I’m a social worker,” they explain. Social worker. Bucky remembers those people growing up. They were trying to fix problems, especially with the crash. “When my partner, our friends and I renovated the house,” they continue, pointing towards the wall between their two houses. “We learned a few things. What do you do?"

It takes a moment for Bucky to figure out actually how to phrase it. "Military contractor."

That’s the closest he can think. He’s contracted by the military, somewhat. They did make him sign a contract, to regulate what had already been outlined by his pardon agreement.

"Like an engineer?"

Of course they’re polite and curious. Bucky would be as well. He could just come out and say it. I’m the Winter Soldier and one of the reasons I walk free is that I work to clean up Hydra’s messes. He doesn’t know how public the conditions of his pardon are.

Once again, he struggles to explain what it is he does without saying it out right.

“I guess I provide intelligence? And experience."

Phrased that way, it sounds nice. That’s what he does though, it’s not a lie. It feels… almost pleasant to be able to say it that way. He provides information on how Hydra works, experience on how the safehouses are set up… A fist too. When they break into a safehouse, he’s always first. He’s hard to kill, after all.

And maybe… just maybe, some of his higher-ups wouldn’t mind if he died on a mission. They’d tell the place he went out trying to fix what he’d done.

Sometimes, that phrasing ‘fixing what he’d done’ chokes him up. It’s the way Lieutenant General Henricksen talks about the work he makes him do. Henricksen believes it was his fault. Of course he does.

It makes sense. People have no idea what it is like to be brainwashed. They have seen movies and video games and read books about it. They have no idea what it is actually like. They have no idea how it feels.

He remembers all of it, and he remembers pulling the trigger. Sometimes because he was directly ordered to by a handler - something that was impossible for him to resist doing. Sometimes because it was what was required to complete the mission - like with the son and daughter of the Algerian FLN commander that were sleeping in their beds.

He could have disobeyed all the orders in the second category. He never did. Not until Steve.

He must have zoned out thinking about the horrible things he’s done, because Olly clears their throat.

“And if you don’t mind me asking, how did you get this house? It’s been empty for years, we always wondered what was going on with it.”

That’s, again, a really hard question to answer without saying the truth. Bucky’s not even supposed to tell the truth about his work. That’s not his job. He doesn’t work on communication.

“Inheritance?” It comes out more like a question than anything else.

So much about his life is… unexplainable. It’s like all he has to share with the world is a heavily redacted file.

Most of it is of his own doing, he realizes. He’s the one who doesn’t want people to know exactly who he is, what he’s done. The only things he is actually forbidden to talk about are the specifics of his high-profile, governmental kills, as well as his ongoing missions with the army. The rest…

He could just say that this is an ex-Hydra safehouse and he got it through work. He could just say he’s working with the army to break into Hydra properties and recover what they took from the government while they were hiding behind the SHIELD insignia.

There would be questions, of course. What of the non-governmental resources they took? That goes to various archive buildings all over the U.S., to be tagged, processed and gather dust until their rightful owners pipe up. There are a lot of items waiting for people who don’t know they’re missing something.

Olly seems to accept Bucky’s cryptic and hesitant answer. Thank G-d. Bucky doesn’t know what he would have said if they kept prying. He guesses it’s selfish. He knows he can’t finish the job by himself, and telling Olly the truth would surely make them run out of the house.

They finish lunch and Bucky makes a pot of coffee. It’s when he turns back to face Olly that his eyes catch the picture he framed on the wall when he got there.

The picture of Steve and him on the front lines, in Europe. The postcard from the Smithsonian. Both of their faces, smiling wide. As far as Bucky knows, there aren’t any images of Steve smiling that way, wide and open and carefree even in the middle of the war, from after he was unfrozen in 2012.

Perhaps because he just didn’t have time to smile like this anymore. Perhaps because this was his Bucky smile. The smile Bucky knew he only smiled for him, and because of him. The best, most beautiful smile in the world.

In any case, there is no way Olly didn’t see the picture. There is no way they don’t know who he is now, even without seeing the arm. They haven’t said anything.

Bucky reaches over and pulls his right glove off, revealing skin. It takes all the strength in his mind and body to take off the other one, revealing vibranium.

He usually never takes the gloves off in front of someone when he isn’t playing soldier. But he is in his home. He shouldn’t have to hide himself here.

#bucky barnes #jewish bucky barnes #marvel #mine #jbu #fic

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firebrands · 5 years ago

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stevetony fic recs

BUCKLE UP MY DUDES THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE

here are my recs for steve/tony fics that i seriously think need a ton more love! (aka, have less than a 1k kudos lol)

starts w angsty recs, then fluff, then pwps

Pyriscence by @nostalgicatsea, 6.9k, MCU

written pre-release of endgame, but damn. so good. i cried.

She also knows this: Tony handed over his heart to Steve—to all of them but most of all to Steve—along with the keys to his house the day he recruited them.

Even if Steve knew that, Natasha isn’t sure he would keep it anyway. She knows he thinks himself undeserving.

She knows it’s because he loves Tony.

A Long, Lonely Time by asktheravens, 58.5k, MCU

holy SHIT, this was a WILD FUCKING RIDE. totally unique.

Author’s summary: Steve returned from the war injured in body and mind- and able to see the dead. At loose ends and desperate to get out of New York City, he accepts a fellowship through the Stark Foundation and retreats to a quiet lake house on the grounds of the Stark Mansion. He's supposed to be there to paint, but he quickly realizes that the house is more than he bargained for. Anthony Stark died here a decade ago, but was it an accident? A suicide? Or a murder? Obadiah Stane still lives in the main house just up the hill, and the past casts a long shadow.

A Cabin in the Woods by nightwalker @onemuseleft, 26.7k, MCU I really don't want to spoil this but this fic has it ALL - fluff, funny dialogue, and ELDRITCH HORRORS

Author’s summary: It was supposed to be a relaxing vacation, a chance for them to spend some time as a couple and work out some of the kinks in their relationship. That was before everything got weird.

Steve Rogers is a Tactical Genius by @swankyo0, 2.6k, MCU

I love when Steve is assertive and knows what he’s doing (in terms of romancing Tony)

“What’s up, Cap?” Tony’s voice is light but Steve can tell it’s forced.

“Tony Stark, you and I are going out,” Steve starts, his voice a bit more commanding than he had planned. “We are going to get dinner at a nice place, and I’m going to open doors for you and let you pay because you are a stubborn ass. I’m going to bring you a gift and you are going to accept it because I am a stubborn ass. And at the end of the night I am going to walk you to your door and there will be a kiss good night, because I’m gonna do this right, damn it.”

when i run out of road, you bring me home by @quidhitch, 18.4k, MCU

Tony buys a farm. Steve lives in the farm beside Tony's. (Featuring: Riri Williams!)

“It’s no use trying to keep him out, Tony supposes. He learned a long time ago that he could plaster his whole body with signage declaring ‘WARNING: HAZARDOUS MATERIAL’, and it would only further tempt Steve Rogers’ self-immolating tendencies.”

call me, maybe by ohmyloki @bootycap, 1.8k, MCU

Tony hums, bouncing up to the balls of his feet for a second as he looks around the gallery. “I’ve got an idea.”

Steve narrows his eyes at him. “I’ve only just met you but I get the feeling that phrase tends to get you in trouble.”

Tony laughs, and Steve’s heart does what feels like a little pirouette in his chest.

“You have no idea how right you are, Steve.”

There’s a deep sense of satisfaction in the way Tony says his name. He wants to hear it again. Which is partly why he can’t be blamed for what comes out of his mouth next.

let me be the one (who never leaves you all alone) by ohmyloki @bootycap, 11.7k, MCU

It was Tony’s wide, brilliant eyes, the rare full-blown smile when he’d accomplished something he’d struggled with, the way he couldn’t seem to stop himself from talking when he came up with a new idea and wanted to show off. Like an excited little kid, ever at odds with the man who drank too much and thought too little of himself. These thoughts of Tony’s kindness, generosity and brilliant mind ran an undercurrent beneath the fantasy of Tony’s slick, tanned skin, and perfectly shaped upper lip. That was when it struck Steve.

Maybe he could have this. Maybe he could have Tony... if Tony would have him.

Get Down On Your Knees And Tell Me You Love Me by @heartsandmuses, 5.1k, MCU

Author’s summary: When Steve opens the page to this month’s calendar, he freezes as he catches sight of a reminder in the space for next Friday, exactly a week from now. PROPOSAL!

Motherlode by nanasekei @elcorhamletlive, 6.8k, MCU

Author’s summary: After Steve returns, though they've made up, his relationship with Tony remains distant.

“Great,” Steve says, smiling brightly, and Tony can’t, he just can’t handle that smile. It makes him want to float and giggle and dance and do all sorts of crazy things. It makes him want to kiss Steve.

He clutches his hands, giving in to one indulgence over the insane, dangerous other. “Awesome. That’s, that’s awesome.” Then, out of sheer despair, he reaches for another salmon roll, popping it in his mouth.

On the plus side, it gives something to busy his mouth with that isn’t, you know, Steve’s lips. On the down side, he’s now awkwardly chewing with a full mouth in front of Steve.

That seems to remind Steve of the forgotten pig-in-a-blanket on his hand, and he hurriedly eats it, cheeks flushing a little.

So now they’re both chewing. It’s great.

if I time it right, the thunder breaks (when I open my mouth) by nanasekei @elcorhamletlive, 11.9k, MCU

Or: Five Times Steve told Tony he loved him, and one time he didn't need to.

“That is the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever done for me.” He pauses for a moment, winded, and Tony looks at him now, mouth curling to fight back what Steve knows would be a self-satisfied smile. “I love you.”

Tony freezes.

Steve… Steve wonders for a second what the best course of action would be, going through all the options, including running to the garden and asking Thor to drown him in the pool for good. He has no idea why it slips out now, exactly, but at this point he has no idea what tiny thing Tony is going to do that’s going to cause a fluttering feeling in his chest.

Strategic Thinking: Armor Wars Edition by Annie D (scaramouche) @no-gorms, 1.8k, Avengers Academy

Tony tries to pull his hand away, but it’s half-hearted. Tony’s neck is flushed pink, which Steve finds far more charming that he probably should. But that’s all right – it’s Tony, who makes Steve think all sorts of things he’d never before.

Every True Thing by @dirigibleplumbing, 3.9k, MCU

Author’s summary: After escaping captivity, Steve and Tony go to a safe house. Ordinarily, it would just be boring. But they’ve both been dosed with truth serum…

“You like it, then?”

“Of course I like it, it’s you.”

“But, I don’t want you to like it just because it’s me, I want you to like it because I’m good at it. You’re good at it, you—know what you’re doing.” Steve blurts this into Tony’s neck, glad that he doesn’t have to look Tony in the face while he speaks.

Mission: Improbable by @cptxrogers, 5.6k, Avengers Assemble Author's summary: Tony is called on to investigate strange events which have been occurring in the upper echelons of society recently. There's just one small issue - he needs Steve to pose as his date for the evening.

Tony glanced around. “I think they’ve moved on. We can get back to work now.” “Are you sure?” Steve asked, a little too quickly. Perhaps the men might still be around. Perhaps might come back. Perhaps they’d need to hide by kissing some more.

Steve Rogers Does (Not Do) Marriage Counseling by Neverever @captainneverever , 6.4k, MCU

Tony stared incredulously at Steve. “Are you that dense?” “No,” Steve replied miserably. “Basically, you’re telling me that you wouldn’t know what to do if someone made a pass at you.” “I wouldn’t know what a pass is or was. That’s what I’m saying.” “So you wouldn’t call shoving your hand on my ass a pass?”

The Fear of Consequences by @keptein, 4.5k, MCU Author's summary: It really isn't a problem. Then one day, Tony looks at Steve and thinks, shit. It might be mutual.

“Cap,” Tony says helplessly. The tomatoes roll around on the brown tile, barely visible in the tower's automatic night light settings.

Steve looks angry, and Tony's suddenly reminded that shit, this guy fought in World War II. It's not usually something you can see on his face. “Why are you avoiding me?” he asks, without preamble, eyes never leaving Tony's face.

“I.. haven't been?” It comes out a question, which really wasn't what Tony wanted at all. “I mean, I haven't been avoiding you, of course I haven't. I've just been busy, you know, Iron Man maintenance, and just because Pepper's CEO of Stark Industries now doesn't mean I don't have to do shit, unfortunately.“ He bends down to avoid Steve's stare and starts to pick up the tomatoes, until he feels Steve's large, warm hand on his shoulder. It startles him into looking up, still bent down with his hand reaching for a tomato. “Cap,” Tony says, and is absurdly proud when the name doesn't lose its warning tint.

Together, At Dawn by RoseGoldAmpersand, 8.1k, MCU

Lingering in his past and missed opportunities, Steve was overcome with the urge to check in on his teammate. As team captain, it was the right thing to do. Nobody would know he had taken a detour. Nobody would suspect he lingered because he ached to see Tony look at him again with eyes bright with friendship. If he couldn't help his Tony, he was making damn sure this Tony knew that Steve Rogers would always be there for him.

a properly scholarly attitude by goodmorningbeloved, 2.9k, college AU

“You were thinking of something. I knew that look, what was—”

“You,” he answers without hesitation. “I was thinking of you. How good you look with those on, how—” He bites his own lip hard, angling his head away from Tony’s kiss in shame. “I— Tony, you’re tired, and we’re in the library—”

Wash That Man (right out of my hair) by @mizzy2k, 7k, comics - 616, sorta pwp?

Holy shit. Holy shit. He'd assumed when Tony said he had a brand new body that it was a metaphor, a dramatic exaggeration, not a completely new unrecognizable-as-Tony-Stark body.

“Hey, Cap!” Tony beams widely at him, his mustache twitching with the smile. “Fancy meeting you here!”

“Haha,” Steve says, “yeah.” Smooth. That’s Steve Rogers for you. Eloquent under pressure.

Nicotine Hit by @festiveferret, 7.5k, MCU, pwp

The idea of Steve smoking in secret wormed its way into Tony’s brain and wouldn’t let go. It was the worst kind of craving, vague and misdirected, because it came in the shape of Steve instead of the nicotine hit he knew he really wanted. He associated Steve with the ritual of smoking and it got so bad he couldn’t look at the man without starting to feel antsy and wound up.

voglio sentirti by lackluster_lexicon @usenecessaryforce , 4.2k, MCU, bdsm

Tony closed the distance between them, unwound his arms to grab hold of the front of Steve’s shirt. Steve hissed in surprise, wrapped his hands around Tony’s wrists, but when Tony put the full force of his body into pulling Steve forward, Steve willingly dropped to his knees. Tony released Steve’s shirt, moved one hand to Steve’s shoulder and grasped Steve’s hair with the other, pulled Steve’s head back and forced him to look up at Tony.

“You’re going to beg,” Tony growled.

Side Effects by @elimymoons , 29.2k, comics - ultimates, bdsm

"You… what?" Steve's breath caught. He felt off-kilter, out of time, like he'd just woken up again and found everything flipped on its axis, but this time it felt good and right, and he just wanted to take Tony in his arms and never let go. "You love me?" he asked, soft, reverent almost. Tony Stark loved him, Steve Rogers, who— who swore too much, whose best friend wore dentures because his teeth all fell out, who talked better with his fists than his words most days. Steve Rogers, a ham-handed, bumbling oaf a man, and sweet, suave, wonderful Tony Stark loved him. "You love me?" he asked again, and Steve could feel his lips pulling back into a wide, beaming grin.

#fic recs #fanfic writer appreciation day #stevetony #stony #steve rogers #tony stark #stevetony fanfiction #stevetony fanfic #i tried my best to find everyone's tumblrs!#THANK YOU ALL YOU HAVE BROUGHT SUCH JOY TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#fic rec list

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