#i have new dad theories. in short I think he WILL be a clown for real by the end of this comic

[homestuckreplay]

Act 3 Ending Predictions!

(page 1074-1081)

This update is mostly tying up some loose ends – important, but not super exciting. Page 1074 confirms that Jade pesters John immediately after waking, repeating their conversation from page 652 during which Jade encourages John to keep taking Nanna’s advice, among other things. Page 1075 clarifies how Jade’s future visions work, for anyone who found the recent flash confusing – I like that this is explained, so that casual readers can still follow the plot. This page also tells us that Jade has never seen Bec on Prospit before, so I’m leaning towards there just being one Bec, who teleported to Prospit today because he wanted to protect Jade from the white Skaian powerup.

Jade also says it’s Bec’s birthday, which doesn’t track to me unless Jade’s visions come with an understanding of exactly when they happened/will happen. I can believe this, because she’s so certain in advance that April 13, 2009 is ‘the big day’ (p.838). She could have seen a calendar in a vision or something, but an innate understanding is a simpler explanation (and will make Hussie’s life easier, probably).

Bec napping in front of Grandpa Harley (p.1076) is sweet. If Bec is 4 billion years old (a LOT of candles, as Jade says), he was probably best friends with Grandpa Harley before Jade, and others before him, and is still protective of Grandpa now. Also, despite his ridiculously powerful radiation and teleportation powers, Bec is susceptible to playing fetch and to delicious steak (p.980), and to taking naps after a busy day. Jade will probably exploit these further, and ominous planet agents could also exploit these, if they try to kidnap Bec when Jade enters the game.

Jade shoots her harpoon to the exact pillar that WV will try to appearify the cable from (p.1009). She may or may not be aware of this time loop, but she definitely knows she has to put the blue package in the same place, which WV will accidentally appearify before the cable (p.1012). Jade fufilling both of these will close the existing loop, but still leaves the rest of the package’s journey open ended for now, and I don’t expect that to get wrapped up this act.

Meanwhile, Rose is still coping with her house being on fire by focusing entirely on Something Else. It looks like she’s done loads of work on John’s house, but really she’s just copy-pasted large chunks of his house on top of one another – and besides a precarious looking part near the top left, it’s a lot more stable than the platforms were. Apparently this has been happening while John was alchemizing (p.1052-69), as page 1081 is just a zoom-out of that final alchemy page, and the extra weight hasn’t shaken the house enough to distract John. Rose has almost built up to the First Gate, which means….

NANNASPRITE: When you pass through the first gate, everything will change. You will find the place where the constellations dance beneath the clouds. And then your true work may begin. NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! (p.885)

I can’t wait to go here – ‘the place where the constellations dance beneath the clouds’ is so evocative, and if Skaia and Prospit are anything to go by, this place will be beautiful. My guess is that these gates are also portals to different levels, and on each level, John will need to complete some objective (possibly also picking up rare grist that isn’t available anywhere else), make his way back to his house, do some level ups and alchemizing so that he’s powerful enough for the next location, Ascend (p.759) through the house (which Rose by this point should have built up to the next gate) killing ever more powerful enemies along the way, and repeat the loop for the first six gates, with the seventh taking him to Skaia and the endgame, where he should meet up with the other players if they’ve all succeeded in their server and client goals. The game as designed is probably only winnable if all players make it to Skaia, but there may be hacks, cheats and exploits that could change that.

In today’s newspost (/news/12-30-09 in the Collection), Hussie has also said that the end of Act 3 will ‘probably be soon’, and that they’ll disappear for a few days when it happens. So it’s likely that Act 3 (currently 323 pages) could be shorter than Act 2 (511 pages), even though it’s juggling more characters, and I’m honestly surprised it’s ending so soon. Here’s my predictions for what has to happen to leave the act on some sort of rare and highly dangerous 9x cliffhanger combo.

John: Will battle his way up through his Tall House and bounce right through that gate.

Rose: Will load the client program as flames spread through the house, ready to begin the entry process the second Dave logs on.

Dave: Will get in touch with Rose and install the server program; we’ll leave off at the moment they connect in game.

Jade: Will ‘deliver’ the gift to WV, closing the stable time loop, and harpoon over to the mystic ruins.

WV: Will perform their mayoral duties, calling a council meeting and a vote on whether AR’s use of military force is acceptable. May sacrifice himself for the future of all cankind.

PM: Will read the note on the gift WV has given her. It will, in some way, tie in with Rose and/or Dave’s story – this package will make its way through all four kids before finally returning to Jade.

AR: Will show the reader what’s inside the mystic ruins that needs to be protected (or protected against) with so much rapid gunfire, tying into Jade’s cliffhanger.

Dad: Will escape from the guards on the ominous planet and go rogue, stealing Jack’s harlequin hat and going to look for John.

Jack Noir: Will fail to keep Dad prisoner and therefore be disgraced by the monarch, leading him to form a sinister gang in an underground hideout with one of his burliest agents.

Act 4, then, will begin with Dave helping Rose to get into the game under conditions where she’s in extreme danger and he’s still being an asshole (character development isn’t immediate, after all), Jade exploring the ruins, and John finally no longer being h. No longer being homest. I can’t even say it

> Rose: Pester Dave to ask if he's escaped the puppet pile.

[catindabag]

TBOSAS on Crack short take (38)

Festus: Yo, guys, do you want to sneak inside the school kitchen and cook something?

Persephone: Sure. I’m kinda hungry.

Coryo: Count me in, Creed.

Felix: Yeah. Besides, this stupid assignment- I mean, punishment from Dr. Gaul is draining me to death.

Apollo: True. Writing a 12 page essay on why I should be turned into a mutt is quite difficult.

Diana: And weird.

Clemensia: And illegal!

Coryo: This assignment shouldn’t even exist!

Urban: But the “penducks” and the “pongaroos” should.

Pup: “Capysels” forever!

Clemensia: What the heck are you guys talking about?!

Juno: Our cute new pets.

Pup: Our adorable new friends.

Dennis: My new illegal business.

Festus: The new meat menu.

Coryo: Well, I think the “Boa Pup” is still the cutest mutt in theory.

Io: Ughhh! Who cares about your cat-dog creature! My hand hurts! I can’t do this anymore!

Livia: You’re all just jealous because I’m already done with mine.

Sejanus: No way, Cardew. How is that even possible?!

Livia: Obviously, I’m a genius.

Coryo: Obviously, you just wrote down the lyrics of ✨Material Girl✨ to fill in the blanks.

Livia: How did you-

Coryo: Your paper doesn’t even have a single word of “mutt” or “Dr. Gaul” in it.

Livia: Shut up, orphan! Your accusations are making me hungry!

Festus: Finally! The rich banker has spoken! To the kitchen we go!

Lysistrata: Wait a minute, does anyone even know how to cook? I mean, no offense, but just look at us.

Palmyra: I do! I know how to cook! I can even-

Florus: Except you, Palmyra. You’re not even allowed to cook in front of me, unless the government or the President says otherwise.

Gaius: And thank Panem for that.

Palmyra: Why?🥺

Everyone: You know why!

Palmyra: You guys are so mean!

Florus: Says the one who refused to pay our outrageous hospital bills.

Coryo: I can’t even afford to stay in the hospital while my family’s drowning in taxes and debts.

Palmyra: Oh, c’mon! You guys only stayed there for a month!

Festus: A month of torture!

Felix: And humiliation!

Coryo: I’m freaking poor, Monty! Do you even know how hard it was for me to pay them back?!

Palmyra: Oh, please~. It wasn’t that hard, was it?😗

Coryo: Try saying that again when you’re forced to go on a blind date with a drunk Strabo Plinth and the ever creepy Mr. Heavensbee by your own evil grandmother and cousin!

Lysistrata: Oh, Panem! Strabo Plinth was your other date?!🤣

Hilarius: My creepy old man did what?!

Coryo: Creepy Mr. Heavensbee even asked me to invite Felix to come over and hangout with him the next time around.

Felix: Which is never, right?

Coryo: Don’t worry, Class Pres. I told him that you’re too busy dating someone from the outer Districts.

Felix: Who?!

Coryo: Honestly, I just made it up.

Clemensia: Imagine Felix freaking Ravinstill dating someone from the Districts.

Arachne: True. Seeing the President’s favorite grandnephew holding hands with a District born will surely give his family the greatest heart attack of all time.

Felix: To be honest, I would rather date someone from the Districts than spend an hour or two with creepy Mr. Heavensbee Sr.

Sejanus: Ughhh! I still can’t believe my evil dad tried to steal my gorgeous boyfriend from me!😩

Coryo: To be fair, my love, your father was already drunk and high as the moon when we met that night. And also, he genuinely thought that I was the ever gorgeous Crassus Xanthos Snow.

Sejanus: Oh, thank Panem!

Hilarius: How about my creepy old man?! Was he drunk as a clown on wheels when he met you that night?!

Coryo: Mr. Heavensbee wasn’t drunk at all. He was sober AF.

Hilarius: Oh, thank Panem-

Coryo: However, he did offer to pay off all of my family’s debts if I gave him my skirt and a kiss on both cheeks.

Hilarius: He said what?!😱

Sejanus: Did you?! I mean, did you kiss him, my love?🥺

Coryo: Ew. No. Of course not! He was a freaking creep and I was already dating you, Babe!

Sejanus: My Snow Bae really does love me!🥹

Coryo: Of course I do, you idiot! Those sandwiches you gave me were freaking delicious!

Hilarius: And nothing happened after that, right?

Coryo: I kind of “accidentally” punched your creepy old man and knocked him out when he tried to touch my face.

Hilarius: That’s fine with me.

Coryo: Also, I secretly stole his expensive gold encrusted wristwatch and his exclusive diamond shaped wallet.

Androcles: Nice one, Snowy!

Hilarius: Bro, I’m not even mad.

Sejanus: At least my scheming dad didn’t remember that night.

Lysistrata: Imagine going out on a blind date with your gorgeous future son—in-law.😂

Coryo: Even worse. Mr. Plinth was always bringing up his past romantic relationship with my super hot dead dad.😔

Festus: What’s so bad about that? I mean, who wouldn’t want to date the ever gorgeous Crassus Snow? Even my dad wanted to-

Coryo: Oh, shut up, Creed! I don’t want to hear another word about my super hot dead dad!

Sejanus: My father’s just jealous that I’m gonna marry my lovely Snow Bae~.😘

Felix: Try saying that in front of Dean Highbottom.

Sejanus: Sure! I’ll even-

Festus: Can we go back to cooking already? I’m still hungry, ya know!

Androcles: Oh, yeah! Sejanus, you know how to cook, right?😀

Sejanus: Honestly, cooking and baking are very different things. Just ask my boyfriend~.😘

Coryo: Wait, what?! No! I just know how to cook cabbages and beans! I can’t even afford my own groceries!

Festus: To be fair, your iconic cabbage cake was delicious.

Coryo: Thanks, but I think Iphigenia knows more than me-

Iphigenia: Oh, no. My talent for cooking is kinda bad.

Dennis: That’s impossible! Your family runs the freaking food industry!

Iphigenia: Seriously, I only know how to fry carrots and potatoes.

Coryo: Gaius, do you-

Gaius: Me?! Cook?! My precious hands haven’t even touched a stove yet! Besides, I only know how to “cook up” jokes.

Persephone: Well, if you can provide me a maid-

Coryo: How about you, Class Pres?

Felix: I’m not even allowed to enter my own kitchen without ten to twenty servants watching my every move. Maybe Hilarius-

Hilarius: No, not me! Do you want the school to accidentally explode because of my stupidity?!

Urban: Vipsania?

Vipsania: Don’t even ask. I only know how to make protein shakes.

Felix: How about Andie-

Androcles: Stealing eggs for breakfast is very different from cooking them, Class Pres!

Juno: Well, don’t look at me. A Phipps would never ever get their hands dirty-

Dennis: Nobody asked you, Juno~.🙄

Juno: Shut up, Dennis! Go suck a di-

Sejanus: How about you, Domitia?

Domitia: Milking cows and selling butter is all I’m good at. However, Lizzie-

Lysistrata: You are asking the wrong person, Tia. I only know how to “cook” dru-

Felix: And for legal reasons, let’s just ask the next person! Festus, do you-

Festus: Nope. I only dumpster dive for food. How about Florus-

Florus: Shut it, Creed! I’m not touching or cooking anything!

Coryo: Well, Urban-

Urban: My anger issues banned me from cooking. How about Io-

Io: Don’t test me, Canville. Do you want me to accidentally create another mini nuclear reactor?!

Coryo: Apollo? Diana?

Apollo: Unfortunately, I only know how to make purple tea.

Diana: And I only know how to cut and fry onions for fun.

Sejanus: Pup?

Pup: Nobody likes my soup.

Felix: Ugh! forget it! Let’s just order takeouts and be done with it!

Clemensia: What the heck, you guys! Nobody even asked me if I can cook!

Arachne: Can you?

Clemensia: No.

[jonathankatwhatever]

It’s 29 Sept 2024, and I’m having a bunch of realizations, probably because I’ve been suppressing them over the last few days. I only heard a solid, deep idea, a furtherance of my understanding of the nature of you, for a short period each day. I had a modicum of anxiety but I thought that was useful because I was working to understand that sense of gap, that conception which we label Pairing because it is the inherent connection of 2 Things. Those 2 Things must be connected to something, to a 3rd End.

That models short-term needs, and thus how we value decisions over time, both coming to the decision and after.

I’m lying in front of a TV that is, to me, gigantic. The images are hypnotizing, but I’m so close I see the slight blurring effect, meaning it’s too noticeable how they shift focus. Motion appears more, meaning it shows up in places and I’m close enough to see them. One of the hazards of a clearer image is that you can see the flaws. And learn to accept them, because this is the TV I have now.

I’ve been working on acceptance. I remember when that started. It was when I was filling notebooks, and I went back to when I was making pictures in college and I would write words in different colors and shapes, so nervous might look nervous. I was also making universe pictures, from calm to turbulent. Always working on this even when I didn’t think I was working on this. T’aint I a clown.

Deborah Kerr. Almost got there before. Saw it now.

The 3rd End’s attractive power, inherent attractive power flows into this 0Space in a variety of ways. Quarks are now clearer.

Took a break to have a favorite snack: bread and mustard. The 2nd was smoky sweet, the first a whole but small grain Dijon, on dark bread. Not toasted. Mmmmmmm.

I’m watching Back to the Future, and a more twisted version would be that Marty is cool and with it because he has sex with his mother in the past and is his own father. It’s incest with the twist that it’s her genes doubled. I can see Marty working with his dad but also realizing the dude just won’t cut it. It’s sci-fi already, right? Add some moral dilemma solved in a sci-fi manner. It can have any realization: he can be in a time loop, maybe imaginary because he died at the beginning, maybe hinted at so you don’t know, maybe he’s dislocated in time from the reality he used to be in.

I would love to translate that idea process into maths. I try to say maths because math is taken to mean symbolic manipulation. That is within maths.

I ate a lot of raw garlic today. What a great festival. And I had a terrific kielbasy with sauerkraut. Tasted homemade. Added mustard and yum. Bought some mild garlic from Russia. Begins with a B.

So the perspective shift enabled new views. I went through a process of seeing equivalencies: incest exists, read an article a month or so ago, which is why it stuck with me, and seeing those created an SBE2 loop which identified to the 7, which is also the other SBE2 loop, in the +1 Attachment, which I’m really glad now we dubbed Attachment Theory based then on the ‘intuition’ it would become one.

Need to make a note: mount TV off center so it can be tilted toward a couch along the room dividing knee wall, and thus toward the kitchen, so it can be seen better from the stools, and while pointing away from the light sources along the windows.

My body hurts from hunching over on the floor. It was easier to write on my stomach. Oh, right: since he returned to the future, he knows he doesn’t have genetic defects. Ironic, that.

So, let’s see if I can remember what just occurred. Or otherwise get it out. Crunchiness distracts. I think that distraction effect is what people crave because that forms a pairing. It’s true the population shows signs of addiction through the need for new tastes; the newness is a dislocation. But then, that’s true of fine dining or really good comfortable food because most restaurants aren’t that good and most home cooks aren’t either.

Dislocation. I was thinking about how N’s character came to life in you. It’s hitting me what that means because there are thus pairings across based on allocations of attributes and to what degrees, which locate as Pathways over the 1-0Segment, but what I really mean to say is they connect at either End and thus over and back, etc., in the various patterns.

I know I forgot some stuff here, but I’m really tired.

[after-witch]

What do you think about Empty Smiles? I heard a lot of people say the ending was rushed.

Also, is this the final final of the smiling man?

I have a lot of thoughts about Empty Smiles! So I actually had a WIP post with my thoughts in my drafts that I forgot about, I'm going to rework that here for an answer.

Short, non-spoilery answer: Yes, the ending is very abrupt, to a frustrating degree. If you check on Goodreads, almost every review mentions this, it's definitely not just me.

As for "is this the final final," Arden did say she was toying with the idea of writing a middle grade historical fiction where the Smiling Man plays a role. So she may not be done with him! I would love it if she did that. I have endless WIPs where it's just "historical setting reader + Smiling Man."

under the read more: loooong thoughts (criticisms & otherwise) about Empty Smiles, SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS for Empty Smiles by Katherine Arden.

First, the criticisms, because that's the juicy part right?

This book was too short. It really needed an extra 15-20 pages. The resolution is shockingly abrupt and doesn’t feel climatic at all. I literally had to go back and reread, because I thought I’d somehow skipped pages. I mean, I guess the resolutions in the previous 3 books were fairly abrupt as well... but since this was the last book, I expected something more drawn out and not as easy as "Okay we literally just walk and key #2 appears with no work or effort, then we're outside and we have key #3 and leave." There needed to be something more.

I don’t understand why the last two books were so short compared to the first two. Is it a publisher thing, maybe? Them wanting shorter books for middle grade consumption, instead of longer books which may be more YA? The library assistant in me says yes, but it is a theory only. I would hope it wasn't because Arden just gave up and didn't know how to end it.

Also the publisher does know how stupid it is for Empty Smiles to have excerpts of books 1-3 in the back, right? Who is reading book #4 but not book 1-3 first?? It's just to pad the book's physical copy out so that it doesn't look too slim on the shelves, and it's a cheap trick.

What else... so Phil is now part of the group but with how short this book is, you don’t get a solid sense of the new dynamic. They kind of wove Phil feeling left out in there (Phil is like, jealous that the evil clowns don’t ransack his house, lol, oh Phil) but it was a little flat.

Nmmm. Now for something a bit frustrating to admit. So I love all the Smiling Man, I’m over the moon about it, y'all know that for sure.

But I feel like the Smiling Man in this book is quite different from the Smiling Man in the first and second books in some respects. Why doesn’t he want to kill Ollie now? He was legit ready to doom her to die behind the mirror, to spend her eternity in a frozen hellscape either sleeping at best or chased by a creepy old hag monster ghost at worst, in book #2. He dug a knife into her heart, figuratively, when she told him about her mom dying.

It’s like he went from Book #2 “yeah I want you to die and suffer, watching you get dragged away to your damnation is so funny I'm actually crying, you thought you could best me, girl??” and #3 "literally trying to kill you guys, KILLED PHIL'S UNCLE" to being softer with her, no gloating, almost protective in some ways, for Book #4.

And mind you, he IS mean in this one. He really is. He shows Ollie a fantasy of her dad & Coco’s mom & Coco without her, trying to pressure her into agreeing to stay with him forever, and what he says to her is just so horribly awful and cruel. And he says terrible things to Coco (saying she’d look lovely as a transformed doll--lovely and quiet) and is delighted by the tortured ghosts of people who died, tormented, in a mental hospital.

He doesn’t care that the carnival has countless people trapped, and he tries to gift Ollie a doll that is a literal human being transformed into a toy. There’s a fucking... box... of broken “doll parts” (aka, literal human beings who are just?? broken?? pieces now jfc) and he doesn’t care that Ollie is horrified by it.

But there's this significant shift with his overall personal dynamic with Ollie. It’s like... he doesn’t care that she beat him anymore. That was the game the entire time. She beat him, and it really, really pissed him off, and he wants to get her (and by extension, Coco & Brian) back. So now he has her and it’s like... eh, whatever.

We get perspective from Ollie as to why her perception of him changes because they are constantly interacting and he is cordial and even funny sometimes, but we never see it from his side. We can’t, not without a chapter from his perspective. I honestly wish that Arden had been like, okay fuck it, and done a chapter from his perspective just before the final chapter. Maybe that would have helped. Because as it is, I am confused. 

I think this ties into why we needed to see Ollie make the deal in book #3, because I think that moment is what shifted the dynamic. He beat her. He finally beat her. We need to see that to get a resolution of their original dynamic, and to introduce the new one. But we don't, and so it's jarring.

And like... I find it fascinating, and I love it, and I lost my mind at him giving her soup and medicine and bandaging her hand and asking her to stay. But I have to personally fill in the gaps of why he's not acting so gleefully horrid over having beat her, and I shouldn't have to do that.

Also, loose ends, loose ends. What happened to the cat and the hound? Why is this carnival suddenly so important to the Smiling man? I'm sad that the cat & hound servants present in book 1, critical components of the Smiling Man when he’s in his element, don't appear at all. Especially the hound. He seemed quite kind to Ollie in the end, whispering gently that if she ever needed him, to call his name. Would have been a neat thing if she'd remembered, and called him. Maybe he could have given us some of the Smiling Man’s perspective that would have made his shift towards Ollie more understandable and sensible. 

For the positives.

Oh gosh, there's so much smiling man. There's SO MUCH. And we get a new facet of his personality, him 'at ease,' which is truly delightful. He randomly trips and horrifies a teenager. Why?? Just to fuck with them. He's surrounded by transformed humans who live terrifying existences as dolls that are literally given away to people who take them home as prizes, and he doesn’t care at best, finds it amusing at worst. Wonderful.

The way he interactions with everyone is just delightful. The way Tim describes him as "nice," but still refusing to let Tim see his sister; the way he's cooly cruel with Ollie and Coco sometimes, the way he gets frustrated with Coco ("Save me from stubborn girls" that line killed me and sent me straight up) and tells people to mind their manners and just... it's a smorgasbord of smiling man in his element. 

And the lore and backstory we get? I love it. It’s tantalizing, while leaving a lot open for interpretation. Especially when we get into the notion of the smiling man being “alone.” I can’t help but think of what someone else wrote about him on here, essentially saying that narratively, he is the :no one else to turn to,” he is Alone, personified, for people who think they have nothing else that they can do, nowhere they can go, no one they can turn to get what they want (whether they do or not). And for him to potentially in some ways, feel alone, and be alone, is very fascinating to me. 

And the little things, here and there. The train car being already decked out with furniture and such, and having old clothes in the drawer. Who was there before? How many were there before? Were there others, are there others? Tucked away here and there, perhaps agreeing to stay, perhaps not, and finding themselves trapped (into scarecrows, into dolls, into mirrors) when they aren’t able to escape like Ollie? 

I also love, on a non-smiling man related note, the closeness of the kid characters and the bond that they’ve developed. The end bit where Coco and Ollie agree that they’re sisters was heartwarming. I also love the involvement of the adults although apparently I’m in a minority on that one. I loved that it was realistic. I loved that, with Ollie’s dad, he wants to believe... feels compelled, deep down, and Arden keeps the detail going of him looking at the scar on his hand (from the snake in book #3) when the subject of Ollie comes up. Like some part of him knows, despite the smiling man’s magic.

Overall, I really did like it. The ending is not great/too abrupt, and I feel like we really did need that scene of the smiling man “winning” over Ollie from Dark Waters to truly bridge the characterization gap--but I love how much more Smiling Man we got, and I love that we got to see him basically be himself instead of in hiding for a good chunk of the story.

Oh, and... the Smiling Man wears Led Zeppelin and Grateful Dead band t-shirts to his carnival. I mean, the man knows how to dress. 

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[nobody-knose--archive]

i’ve been aching to commentate spirit phone’s commentary for ages. glad i finally got around to it, this was an ejoyable experience. liveblog below the cut

-i'm like half certain i've heard this commentary before. maybe not the whole way through & it was probably actual years ago

-nice hearing stuff like this. in-depth personal view of the album-making process. makes it seem like more of a real thing i could do myself someday

-neil cicierega real person momence

-i could probably go real in depth about neil cicierega/tally hall parallels specifically concerning like. the arc of their musical careers. but i won't, here

-wild how i legitimately don't care much about micheal jackson

-didnt we get a bunch of spirit phone stems from the needlejuice release/his patreon? we could probably hear the funny track he speaks of here in that

-i love hearing musical artists, especially neil cicierega, talking about the meanings of their songs. like, not only has this song been claimed to hell & back by the tumblr gays, but with later ones i just can't see where he gets these ideas from. also, claiming there's any one meaning or plot to a song just seems silly to me

-shoutout to neil reusing a midi from like, 1998, that he made at 12 years old, whose entire melody was reused for the main verses of everybody loves raymond. loved finding that out on my own 2 years ago. now it's common trivia in this fandom. not bad times

-it'd be neat if neil did individual trans tracks here like he did with view monstel, those things are half of why i consider it my favorite album

-it's a lot easier to ignore the creator's intended meaning behind a song when he can't even remember it. thanks neil

-seesaw effect

-and there's my joke all but 1 of my followers wont get. moving on

-what kinds of movie theater lobbies has neil been to where there are arcade machines. i mean im not one to talk but that does sound rather strange

-why do songs' titles even need to be taken from the lyrics. ive never seen that as any sort of requisite. it's like titling any form of prose you can just give it whatever name ya like

-"this part sounds pretty cool right"

-is neil's vocal range only mildly better than mine? with training i could change that

-oh i haven't processed any of the last 25 seconds hold on

-god. a shit ton of vocal modification in this song. it's like neil returned to his roots but with quality this time

-i, as an ace/aro, have never related more to an allohet guy in my life. what is the point of eyes!

-professional humming/whistling takes skill. it's different from the recreational or casual stuff. i'd know

-there's a name for the way sound (especially music) gets distorted when moving past you and i can't remember it but it's probably what neil's referring to here in the way he recorded the intro

(- update: it's the doppler effect no need to tell me cas already did)

-as someone who hasnt seen the rugrats or take me there by blackstreet i'll just say it sounded like a bouncy music box melody. nice to hear a song that messes with the typical scales though. lydian & diatonic.

-that's a rather specific thing to be glad about, but given what he talked about in his last full audio commentary about the jew harp i suppose i'm not surprised

-i know that tmbg song now. listened to it & saw the music video too. yep they're different alright

-where the hell does neil get all these instrumence from anyway

-huh. hadnt heard this part of the commentary before making my oc concerning this song but i like to hear neil's approval concerning part of my interpretation

-i love how ive heard a billion different tellings of this mellified man story from lem dem fans talking about this song and neil's is by far the wildest

-good god that does only make it worse neil

-i love making liveblogs of lemon demon albums. with the fullerenes or tally hall i cant name a specific dude to take out my woes on generally but with lemon demon i can just say neil all the time. i like being on a casual first name basis with this dude ive never interacted with once ever

-is sweet bod the one other than cabinet man with a demo in the bonus tracks? i forget

-holy shit the boston molasses disaster someone call up soapy if it doesnt already know, it'd love this

-two thousand nine. god i miss the fiddle solo. the ver with it is truly the best one

-he pronounces it jeff? i've always read it as gef with a hard g. that's what i get for knowing words that are never spoken aloud

-that's a fun meta interpretation of this ghost story that's over a century old. i like that

-i've noticed neil generally does the same synths across a whole album. it's especially more clear in the earlier ones, and does mean i occasionally mix up songs between clown circus & live from the haunted candle shop

-ah! ancient aliens! my least favorite track on this album. i cant even claim to have the least interest in a popular one i've just generally not liked this one much from the beginning. so im curious to see what neil's got to say, i think ive been in ~new commentary zone for a while now

-anyway. newest update on the loolin not realizing a song's funky time signature front: i think this one's in 6/4. or at least switches a lot between time signatures. granted i dont listen to it very often for the reasons stated above

-see the way neil describes it. eldritch horror upon being visited by the unknown at a time when humanity'd hadn't even yet had a chance to imagine such a thing occurring. should be right up my alley. but the sound itself & many of the lyrics simply turn me away.

-must i specify i don't dislike it? spirit phone is neil's best album it not being my favorite doesn't mean i think it's bad yadda yadda nobody should be surprised by this it's not like anyone in these fandoms reads my liveblogs <3

-granted i think this is. the first bit of spirit phone content i've made on my blog ever. so who knows things can change <3

-the transitions in spirit phone are much less view-monster transition tracks & more extended outros. view-monster's were a bit more intro than outro sure but they also seemed directed upon making a 2-way rather than 1-way bridge between tracks. or something like that

-.............soft fuzzy man is an incredible nickname for a cat. i'd steal that if i werent afraid of introducing my relatives to lemon demon

-jirls

-an underlying metaphor is good enough. the literal side of the lyrics are fun. nothing but agreement here neil my good man

-the transition into as your father i expressly forbid it from soft fuzzy man is the best one in this album

-buddy you ask if a musical idea has been used before odds are the answer is yes in this day & age the question is has it been used in the way you're using it. like sure this soul jazz record from the 60s that was sold out in kansas stores for a week used this bassline that youve found yourself copying. but seeing as youre using it in some angsty garage rock ballad type tune does anybody actually care

-doesn't everybody like to say things in an unhinged manner from time to time

-imagine having a guitar dad, i say, with my dad being a folk accordion/fiddle dad, which is infinitely worse in every way

-i think he was in an actual folk band at some point. idk the 90s were weird

-iron my life?

-m-more intimate? there are a lot of ways i'd describe this song but intimate isn't one of them. granted as your father is negatively intimate so from there i guess you've got nowhere to go but up

-...still glad to see his interpretation kinda supports my oc at least

-the way he says characters in songs shouldn't worry about death really strongly makes me think this is some sort of. thematic continuation of stuck from dinosaurchestra, even if there's no real death in there. interesting. would also mean that the dad from these past 2 songs is named carlos betty (no last name)

-i literally never assumed this was a flute solo. piccolo at best. it's pretty clearly a recorder

-my mom plays the recorder. i wonder if she can play recorder better than neil cicierega

-we can throw a party in honor of the crushing weight of responsibility! i simply won't be the one throwing it because i have enough on my plate already <3

-what the hell does "a sense of intent" mean

-i've never heard rush before however i disagree with neil's understanding of 6/4. 6/4 is meant to have emphasis (onbeat or another term i can't remember) on the 1st & 4th beat of every measure, which is greatly different from a measure of 4/4 then a measure of 2/4. it's why his 5/4 always sounds weird, because while it's recognizable in sequences of 10/4, it's more 2 measures of 4/4 with one of 2/4 tacked on the end. that's also how it's different from 3/4. i don't know much music theory but what i do understand i will fight to the death about

-"canonized" that's. a very interesting term to use when referring to a former president

-from now on i will interpret every love song directed at some unseen "you" to be inviting me to marry them for tax purposes. thanks neil for being an aromantic icon

-ah hell yes hell yes man-made object is my favorite goddam song on this album

-short & sweet & good damn vibes. neil's thoughts on it all are only making it better

-wild how he uses very few vocal effects for a song that he clearly is straining his vocal range for. go off neil

-the qualifier of man-made is a wonderful thing. oldest or biggest thing? oldest or biggest man-made thing? what a incredibly important specification. a world of possibilities lie between the two. oh i love it

-just gets me thinking yknow! what we consider weird/impressive in another species, in our own species- what kind of equivalent to that would there be from an outsider looking in? are there alien versions of the significances we place upon things, that we could never imagine? the limits of the human imagination mean we could never conceive of something else in the world that isn't, in some way great or small, just like us- and are we wrong for thinking that? such a juicy topic i wish there were a name for it because it's kinda hard to explain concisely

-spiral of ants. my second favorite song from this album, in fact. a good one to experience

-the vocals are just another instrument. they really truly are. i wasn't going into this commentary expecting to feel solidarity for neil cicierega in this chili's tonight on more than one occasion but here i am.

-like, his whole stance on interpreting songs is something i agree with almost entirely. you can take it at face value, you can dig to their very depths, you can listen to songs without caring what the lyrics mean whatsoever, and those are all fun. & yeah while any of these people can be annoying as one of the types who enjoys gliding on the surface more than anything i find those who dedicate themselves to figuring out the whole meaning of a song over anything else to be both slightly scary & slightly annoying <3 keep up the good work

-i want to make songs for my siblings the way neil makes songs for his sibling(s)

-spinch

-neil really shouldn't be allowed to be this funny like this whole album youre thinking golly! he's just a normal man this neil cicierega! and then he starts listing the cat hacks jokes & you remember he's had ridiculously consistent viral success with all his humorous endeavors and holy shit it's neil cicierega in action talking about his music. god bless you neil

-you're welcome, no problem, my pleasure. good eveternoon, radio audience!

[younghoax]

Sunday 20th June • Somewhere in Midtown

He’s only going for a piss. Ain’t gonna let a bunch of bozos put him off going to the bathroom in his own damn apartment, but he ain’t about to humour them, either. The bathroom door is right outside his bedroom. Just a short turn to the right and there it is. Easy fuckin’ peasy.

In theory.

“J!” Marco calls just as he reaches the handle. Spies him from the couch and waves him over. “Come light up kid. ‘Ey-- Benny’ll roll you one.”

The doorknob is already under his hand and Jordan twists it. Ignores the half-strangers that try to lure him across the room. Around half a dozen of them smoking in his living room with some kinda rap music playing from what he’s pretty sure is just a cellphone. Fuck that. He could go his whole life without facing these dickheads again and it’d still be too damn soon.

Dissatisfied with being ignored, Marco stands from the couch, steps over a couple legs and shoves the rest aside to get through until he reaches Jordan by the bathroom door. “Vieni qui piccolo,” Marco drawls through a grin, the guys sat around him on the couch repeating, “sì vieni qui piccolo,” laughing around joints and Jordan just stands there, arms crossed over his bare chest as he squints. Marco snides, “we got space. Sit on Benny’s lap if you gotta.”

With nothing else on Jordan’s body to grab, Marco tugs at the waistband of his shorts, the other hand reaching for the side of his neck. J squirms out from under his hands though, palms shoving the man’s chest. He hadn’t picked up on it until now, but his roommate must be on something.

Piccolo. He ain’t Marco’s fuckin’ baby. “Fuck outa here,” he grunts, letting them whoop and cackle like he just gave ‘em something to crack up about as he turns to continue his short trip to the bathroom. Not fuckin’ short enough.

“Come smoke with us, J,” his roommate tries again. “So tense all the fuckin’ time these days.”

“Yeah, well, got shit to worry about. A job and shit, y’know?” Nah, he wouldn’t know. “You ever heard o’one?”

Another audible reaction from their audience and Marco’s raising his voice slightly over the other voices. “What, like sellin’ those pills? Yeah, real good fuckin’ job you did of that, J. Complimenti!” The man cheers and his clowns cheer along. Probably aren’t even listening to what’s being said, just following their divine leader.

Sure, it took him a minute, but he wasn’t gonna sell to just anybody like Marco’s boys do. He gives a shit about the people that take it off his hands. Besides, they’re gone now. So what? “Stop fuckin’ speaking Italian, you were born in Staten Island from a schmuck from Texas, y’fuckin’ clown.”

“Fuckin’ talk about my old man, J.”

It’s Fathers’ day which is a laugh. Or, it would be if Marco weren’t so high that the irony’s lost on him. Got no fucking idea what day of the week it even is.

“A’right. Where’d you want me to start?”

There’s a single, “oh, shit,” that Jordan guesses the rest of the gang decide against humouring, Marco’s face going cold in a second. He doesn’t even get within six feet of Jordan when he says, “shut your fuckin’ mouth.”

“Nah, he was an alright father,” J tells him with a shrug, hands slipping into the pockets of his basketball shorts as his head lulls to one side. “Kept you fed, ‘ight? Soda and cigs by age fourteen. A nice, rounded fuckin’ diet.”

Looks like Marco thinks that’s the end of it because he gifts him with a short laugh, head shaking as he turns and swats one of his boys off the nearest armchair. Leaves him to find a new place to sit as he claims the space for himself. “Y’funny.”

J ain’t finished, though.

“Kept you safe too, eh? Got you a nice group of friends. Doubled as your babysitters. Oh neat!” He cheers. Nobody cheers along. “What was your favourite activity? Mine was a tie… Either counting cash and weighing coke with the boys or going to the park to play collect the syringes on the playground whilst daddy’s friends did their deals.”

“This meant to be hurting my feelings, J? Cause last I checked, you never had a dad.”

“How about the part where he beat you before bedtime? Bet that knocked you out like a light, eh? Get your eight hours, Marco? Yeah, he was the man.” A pause. “Y’just like him.”

Marco’s not moved. His friends ain’t said a word. Except one, who asks, “you takin’ that, Coney?” but he’s ignored by all parties. Marco scoffs, arms folded over his chest now, slouched back in his seat. “You wanna pretend like you hate me? It make y'feel better?”

“I do. I do fuckin’ hate you. You had me fooled back then Marco, but I see you now, doll. You ain’t shit. You’re suffocating me. Y’spoilt yourself. I realised how much of a fuck-up you are, and you ran outa people who gave a shit about you. Think these guys’d be here if not for your old man?” A roll of his eyes and J’s turning yet again to enter the bathroom, his words muttered. “Is that why you used to keep me at such a distance back then? In case I saw the light and stopped fucking worshipping you? Well, I see you in all your glory now, Marco, and it’s fucking ugly.”

Marco just scoffs behind him. “You still worship me.”

Jordan shakes his head, turning back again crossing the room to where the man is slouched in his chair, this dopey fucking smile on his face like he’s got him with that one. Like he didn’t spend years pushing J away, scared he’d see all the wrong sides of him. Spend years pining when Jordan moved states. Spent years in Jordan’s pocket when he got back, scared to be left alone with the big, bad wolves of the city again. As if he ain’t one of them. Worse, because at least those guys know what the fuck they are.

Jordan pauses in front of him. Spits. Tells him, “rot.”

That's all it takes to get a rise. Not a jab at his late father or his pathetic friends. Just the reality that Marco, himself, ain’t shit. To Jordan or to anybody. Marco’s out of his seat, arms around Jordan for long enough to get the leverage he needs to slam him to the ground, then it’s a rush of fists and nails. J grabs at the back of his shirt, trying to tug him off himself but has more luck shoving his elbows between them as a fist makes the first real impact to his side.

He can’t hear what’s happening around them, just hears his own breath punch out before Marco grunts and does the same again. J’s off to a shitty start with two punches to none and he’s still shoving to no avail at Marco’s torso until he finally gets a decent jab in and has his roommate doubling over. One quick manoeuvre and they’re flipped. J doesn’t hesitate, gets a good hit to Marco’s jaw and soon the guy’s reaching around, punching at his back and sides.

“I’ll fuckin’ kill you,” he spits, doesn’t know what exactly it is that he’s seething about, but it’s months -years- or built-up anger exploding out of him as his hands land around Marco’s throat and the guy keeps punching, but J tenses his body. Tenses his hands, squeezes, and feels Marco abandon his punches in exchange for shoves much like Jordan’s own; all elbows. He feels the man try to shift – try to turn his head, wondering where the fuck his so-called friends are whilst his roommate grits his teeth above him, squeezes harder like he’s trying to break his neck. And maybe Jordan is, he’s not sure, but—

There are half a dozen hands-on him outa nowhere and Jordan’s torn away from Marco with such strength that he lands halfway into the bathroom, bare back skidding against the floor, bruised skin burning from the friction as he stops in the room he’d been trying to get to all along. Only this time there are three pairs of fists punching as he curls up on himself.

There’s a kick and, somewhere in the back of his mind, Jordan thinks that’s a low fucking blow, three against one and now somebody’s kicking. But then there’s a couple more, simultaneously and, with his arms wrapped over his head, shoes pummelling into his sides and his arms and his legs, Jordan can’t tell how many of them are standing over him. Doesn’t know how the fuck they all piled into the tiny bathroom. He hears himself grunt, hears his own heavy, wretched breathing, hears his pulse and hears Marco choke, “stop. Get off him. Get the fuck off him!”

And just like that, they stop.

---

Everybody’s gone. It’s just the two of them sat beside each other on the couch, the kitchen light on and just barely illuminating the room from where it stretches to their side of it. Silent, watching the screen like it’s on. Like it’s not just black.

They haven’t been alone for long. Someone shot out an offer to take care of J. Something about getting him outa Marco’s hair for good. Marco lost his shit. J didn’t really have it in him to listen. Just paid attention for long enough to confirm that his roommate wasn’t about to confirm a kill order on him. He just lay there, the side of his face pressed against the bathroom floor, arms around his waist and knees drawn up and Marco cleared the room out. Then he’d knelt beside Jordan, hooked an arm under each of his, and pulled him up and towards the couch.

Honestly, considering there was a handful of them and they’re meant to be the big, bad wolves of Manhattan, J ain’t really hurting half as bad as he’d expected. All fuckin’ talk. Don’t mean he ain’t hurting, though. He’s pretty sure nothing’s broken.

“I crossed a line,” Jordan mutters now, a bag of frozen corn pressed to his side as he tries to breathe short and hollow. Tries not to move more than he has to. “I’m sorry.”

The freezer’s otherwise empty, so Marco decided to be courteous. Let J take the bag of frozen food whilst he suffered. “They won’t touch you again,” the man replies, his voice hoarse. His own version of an apology, Jordan’s pretty sure. “I’ll kill ‘em before they do.”

“What about you?” Jordan asks, and the man looks confused. “You gonna put hands on me again?”

“You started it.”

“S’just a question.”

A small laugh leaves his roommate's lips then; jaw slightly swollen and growing darker, and he shows his teeth for just a second before he closes his lips around a smile. “Probably. Can’t stand you.”

“Yeah?” Hard not to smile. J wishes he could explain why. He elbows him lightly and they both hiss in discomfort. “Back at you.”

Marco’s face ain’t so bad other than the welt on his jaw, but his throat is starting to bruise, and he hasn’t spoken above a mumble or a whisper since he called off his army. He’s a little hunched too, probably isn’t aching even half as much as Jordan is, but enough that, when they both fall into a soft bout of laughter, mostly huffing out breaths, they’re also both sucking air back in between their teeth again in pain. The synchronicity only pulls another chuckle from both, until they’re shaking their heads in unison and pulling their eyes from each other, looking back at the blank screen.

“I know,” Marco mutters before he slowly, carefully leans back into the couch. “I know you don’t fuckin… Worship me anymore.” Well, no shit. “We’re barely even friends.” Barely? That’s generous. “But I do regret what I did. Back on the Upper West Side. I think about it all the time.”

Jordan just nods. They’ve never talked about it. Somehow, it’s just never been brought up since. Both men as embarrassed as the other.

“Why’d you do it? Why’d you blame me?”

Lower lip between his teeth, Marco’s eyes are scanning the walls when Jordan looks over to him again. He looks a lot like he did that afternoon, nodding and repeating ‘yes, sir. Yes, sir. No, sir. I’m sorry, sir,’ as his dad spoke in that tone like he wasn’t gonna hit you but he might just kill you.

He looks guilty as sin. And his voice cracks when he speaks.

“I knew you’d run,” he tells him simply. “I was too scared. Saved up all that money to get outa there and never fuckin’ did it, but I knew you would.”

“Bullshit. You took a swing and then you passed the bat. You left me for dead. Y’thought I was gonna die just as much as I did.”

“I didn’t know what to do! What was I meant to do? His boys were downstairs, he was so fucking angry. I was scared, J.”

“Yeah, well so was I.” Jordan scoffs. “While you locked yourself in your bedroom to fuckin cry about it, your dad was beating the shit out of me upstairs for your fuckin’ lie. I didn’t know you stole those drugs, Marco. Fuckin’ asshole. I mean—what were you doing, eh? When I was up there. Counting another wad of stolen bills you had laying around?”

“I called Danny,” Marco snaps. “Put my fuckin’ neck on the line for you, calling him.”

That’s fucking rich. Jordan’s fucking hero picked up a phone and whispered an S.O.S down the line. “Well, then. I guess everything’s fine, then. Ain’t it?” Another scoff and he has to tear his eyes away from the man. Can’t fucking look at him, the way his brows bow like he’s got something to feel sorry about. “You only cared about yourself.”

“I was in love with you!”

“You’re pathetic.”

The light in the kitchen has something loose. A filament that rattles and makes the faintest tingling sound. It took a couple months of convincing himself that he’d accumulated tinnitus before Jordan figured it out. One of the many annoying fucking sounds in this apartment, right after the ticking boiler and the sound of Marco’s voice. There’s a long silence that he welcomes though. Is glad to hear the sound of the damn light if it means not listening to--

“You loved me,” the man decides, his voice level. Factual. “You were obsessed with me-- Don’t look at me like it ain’t true, Jordan. Fuck you. You loved me and you were fucking scared, too.”

Their first kiss was in a fucking storage container, full of cocaine and lit by a solar lamp. They fucked on the ground, lasted no more than five fucking minutes. And they’d talk back then, sure. Jordan’s mom would be off somewhere, and Marco’s dad would be making his next big deal, and they’d find themselves alone, watching TV or tryna cook their own food or navigate the ferry when they were a little too high. Back then Jordan would pretend they were a couple. In his head, they were cooking after a long day of work. Sitting down and watching TV. Putting their feet up after a long day. Making out when it was late and nobody else was around. Finally a moment alone.

And yet.

“You’re right, I was obsessed with you,” Jordan admits. “Everything you did was like… Fuckin’ genius. I wanted to be you. With you. Whatever.” Marco’s eyes light up, still needing to hear Jordan say it, after all these years. Still needing someone to tell him he ain’t nothing. “But I can honestly say, hand on fuckin’ heart, that I wasn’t in love with you. Not even for a second. Not even a little fuckin’ bit. I was fifteen and I was horny and I was bored of being scared all the damn time. So I picked the first asshole that kissed me and I latched onto it.”

“You’re full o’shit. You don’t even know what love—”

“I fucking know, Marco.” He doesn’t realise that he has it in him to stand until he’s on his feet, wincing as he forces himself to straighten up. “Y’really got yourself convinced that my life stayed miserable when I got outa here, huh?” Jordan accuses, bare arms crossed over a bare chest, soggy, defrosting bagged corn soaking into the couch. He could tell him about how he fell in love and it wasn’t even close to the shit Marco put him through. Could tell him that what happened in Massachusetts hurt more than what happened in Marc’s attic. Could tell him that he just fucking wants to go home but his home died in a prison cell with a needle in his arm.

Thing is, he ain’t sure Marco deserves to hear it.

“I didn’t fucking love you,” he tells him. “And I’m moving out.”

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Candy, Ch 16-21 [Epilogue 4]

So we’ve lost (spoilers will remain below the cut). This section starts progressing a lot faster, as the couples we’ve established all very rapidly start adopting kids. Jane’s whole eugenic vision, and fucked up relationships, starts coming much more to the forefront.

I call this the “we live in a society” chapter. Or perhaps the “edelman” chapter.

Chapter 16

At this point we get a six month time skip. Or for Terezi, a single day timeskip, because apparently there’s heavy time dilation between Earth C and the Furthest Ring.

The wedding itself is handled by recap, emphasising anecdotes. Of note is that Terezi is continuing to ghost basically the entire cast apart from John, which she claims is because he’s the most annoying.

In fact this entire chapter is text convos between John and Terezi, which is a nice return to early Homestuck when typing quirks were actually, well, typing quirks lol. Jane, it turns out, is now dating both Gamzee and Jake, which, well, ok.

ok.

ok.

anyway, there’s some wonderful dialogue on kismesis relationships at least:

TEREZI: Resentment can be fine in a short term black affair if the gaol is just to fill pails and avoid culling.

TEREZI: But in a sustained romantic rivalry it will always spell ruin.

TEREZI: Just like in a caliginous relationship, how it’s important for you to be able to communicate with your kismesis.

The rest of Terezi’s dialogue, talking a bit about Vriska, is a joy to read. I miss Terezi.

Oh yeah and Roxy’s pregnant. That’s important! Their wedding was 6 months prior, though it’s not clear from the narration when their baby was conceived.

Chapter 17

Another three month timeskip. That means nine months from the wedding - just about long enough for John and Roxy’s baby to be born.

Rose and Kanaya have outright named their child Vriska, which is... ok she may be a clone but that’s one hell of a thing to put on a kid, fucking hell.

Like, just wow. Imagine knowing Vriska and deciding to not just adopt her clone but name her clone after her! I take back whatever dumb shit I was saying about Rose and Kanaya being well adjusted. Poor kid.

There’s an amusing conversation in which Kanaya has misconceptions about how human children are born - from Karkat, via Dave. This is really going hard on the whole reproductive futurism angle huh.

The question of Vriska’s name comes up. Rose says that Vriska defeated Lord English - apparently having entirely forgotten all the things she said before, about how that whole plot point of how he was ultimately defeated was unresolved.

JOHN: rose, no one knows what happened to lord english.

ROSE: Of course we do. Vriska used the juju and her accompanying ghost army to defeat him.

ROSE: Why else would we be here?

JOHN: i don’t think that’s what actually happened though!

KANAYA: Then What Did Happen John

JOHN: i... i JUST said! JOHN: no one knows!

So uh... it’s like there’s some all-encompassing force, pushing the kids towards a “happy ending” defined in terms of pairing up and raising kids, editing their memories to leave nothing unresolved... and only John seems to be immune?

And moreover, whatever this force is, it seems to have robbed Roxy of her independent will. She’s going along with whatever John wants - much to his consternation.

Everyone is contorting themselves into a standardised template of “adulthood”, focused on reproduction above all, telling themselves it will make them happy... even the lesbians!

(Is this all one massive attack against the Harry Potter epilogue lol)

Chapter 18

In this chapter, Jane explains the need for eugenics to Gamzee. She insists that, if trolls were allowed to outbreed humans, the ‘natural’ Alternian social order might assert itself. It’s not racism! Some of her best friends are trolls!

Gamzee suggests this might get her ‘cancelled’, and she calls him ‘a literal insect in clownface’. Because she’s totally not xenophobic or anything. They have kismesis-hatesex, which includes...

In spite of Jane’s protests, Gamzee makes a desperate play for a lusty squeeze. Jane puts up a valiant show of resistance, but Gamzee knows she has no real intent of fighting him off—it’s all part of the kismetic dance. He has his big clown mitts right on her busty bags, honking away.

...what feels to me like a dangerous blurring of consent lines. Bottom line: this relationship is all kinds of fucked up...

Also why did I have to see the words “busty bags” with my actual eyes.

Not sure what the story is going for with this troll eugenics plotline. Jane explicitly tries to draw a line between this and actual racism insofar as there are, she says, actual biological differences between humans and trolls such as birth rate, unlike human ‘races’ (the story does not deviate from the idea that the kids are ‘aracial’, incidentally, though it’s hard to take Jane as anything other than white the way she acts). But why does the narrative feel the need to go there? I guess it’s about Jane’s character specifically; the not-so-subtle fascism in her whole image as a ‘proper’ businesswoman. She’s just doing what needs to be done!

I recall that ‘prison camps’ was up there in the content warnings list.

The latest Homestuck Baby is named Tavros. Naming babies after your dead friends is all the rage these days!

The narration stays with Jake as he leaves the room, but we still hear more than we’d like of Jane and Gamzee fucking.

The subject of kids - the REPRODUCTIVE IMPERATIVE - comes up. Jade explains that merging with Beq has done something to her bits, so she won’t be getting pregnant. And nobody’s really feeling ectobiology. Though that’s probably not the biggest issue with her and Dave...

She says she’s discussed surrogacy with Rose, and neither Dave nor Karkat would be ‘the father’ in this scenario. Ah, I think I see where this might be going. Beq was a male dog, as I recall.

(so this is basically... V Homestuck, apopros of nothing: do you know i think jade probably has a dick)

Chapter 19

In accordance with our headlong rush into families and reproduction, John has started working on becoming his dad I guess? He has a moustache, and even carries a briefcase.

New world, new social order... or not, I guess.

Anyway, the troll racism/eugenics metaphor is really speeding up:

KARKAT: JADE, DON’T YOU READ THE NEWSPAPERS?

KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.

KARKAT: IF YOU’RE SO INTENT ON IT BEING “THE THREE OF US,” WE LITERALLY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADOPT A HUMAN CHILD BECAUSE THE HUMAN ADMINISTRATION IS AFRAID THAT I’D...

KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.

KARKAT: TEAR INTO IT, AND FEAST ON ITS ORGANS.

KARKAT: AND IN THAT KIND OF POLITICAL CLIMATE? WELL, I’M NOT SURE IT’S A WORLD I WOULD WANT TO RAISE A TROLL CHILD IN RIGHT NOW.

Later on they outright call Jane a fascist. Not beating about the bush here. And John has apparently described Jane’s treatment of Jake as outright rape, which his friends generally assent to.

Thinking I should have picked up more of that dynamic when I read the earlier Jane/Jake scenes. There was a line...

It’s not the most rousing speech Jake has ever given, but it seems satisfactory enough for Jane. He releases a tremendously relieved sigh when Jane breaks into a smile.

JANE: Oh, Jake!

He flails when she kisses him. But this time, there’s no doubt he hasn’t said no.

Yeah that pretty much made it clear didn’t it. Jane has absolutely no regard for Jake’s will; and Jake is in no way in this situation able to assert how much this dynamic is harming him, without Jane pulling out the same manipulative tricks, playing hard on his ridiculous ‘old-timey gentleman’ thing.

Anyway, any discussion of their own relationship is forestalled when a dead body of Jade falls from the sky! Apparently it’s a much younger version of Jade - the origin is utterly unclear. (Perhaps we’ll find out in the Meat storyline?)

Whatever the cause, it prompts Jade to go to Jane - whose Life powers could bring the dead Jade back, in theory.

Chapter 20

But Jane’s powers... don’t work at all. (Also her relationships are pretty dire and she’s exerting fascist influence behind the scenes). Apparently whatever’s afflicting this Jade is more fundamental than poison: a ‘metaphysical’ rot. Meanwhile, it’s heavily implied (as was more or less said outright earlier) that Rose’s Seer powers don’t work anymore.

Jade wonders if her presence in Earth C implies the other selves across other timelines can no longer exist. But this is maybe only brought up to dismiss it.

Instead, Roxy brings up the whole fascism thing - as a political divide pushing them apart (metaphor ahoy). Which prompts an impassioned - and justified - rant from Karkat. Gamzee steps in, and Karkat has a go at him too, and the way he’s exploiting his claimed ‘redemption’:

KARKAT: NO.

KARKAT: NEVER IN THE WILDEST DREAMS OF YOUR SOPOR SOAKED PEABRAIN WILL WE BE “MOTHERFUCKING GOOD,” GAMZEE.

KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH THE GODDAMN ENEMY.

KARKAT: BECAUSE I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.

KARKAT: AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU EVEN DID WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!

In the framing this story has developed, he’s not wrong, obviously. The words ‘redemption arc’ are thrown out again by Roxy and Jane in Gamzee’s defense, and Karkat storms out.

Karkat is good in the role of moral authority, directly confronting cruelty and hypocrisy that his more ‘polite’ friends would rather sweep under the rug in the name of unity. We see their reactions:

Karkat leaves a stunned silence in his wake. Jane fuming silently to herself, Kanaya and Rose exchanging a knowing look about World Politics, John chewing his lip and mulling about how Karkat is probably right, and how if he were braver, he would have backed him up.

Kanaya and Rose - on the ‘right side’, but in many ways, the middle class, above-it-all. John, the coward. Jane, put on the spot, soon falls back on her ideals of propriety...

Karkat’s ancestor was the Signless/Sufferer, who led a rebellion against the Condesce. Perhaps he’s stepping up to fill a similar role...

Chapter 21

As was discussed in the prior chapter, Roxy insists on holding a funeral for the dead alternate-universe Jade... for the sake of unity, or something. This works about as well as you might expect.

Oh, and, on the subject of Jake and Jane, well.

You gave it the old college try chap, Jake said to him earlier as he waxed his mustache in the mirror. But its better for a man to just let his wife do whatever she wants. I promise youll experience less pain that way old boy.

yeesh

Also Calliope is here! She gives a little speech about death, and shares a tender moment with Roxy... so... still playing into that ambiguity huh.

Then Aradia and Sollux show up?? I guess they were, technically, still alive! They have not, indeed, been absorbed by the big black hole... and they certainly liven things up.

Honestly, the massive pileup of characters leads to them playing off each other in ways I’ve really missed. It’s like a good old classic homestuck group chat feel.

Roxy gives a speech that’s ultimately all about Dirk - about the ways things might have been different, whether it’s even meaningfully possible to compare. Good old Homestuck themes. Then she has her actual baby because why not.

As if this isn’t enough melodrama for one chapter, Jade’s ‘corpse’ gets up, and reveals it’s not actually Jade in there at all, but... someone who speaks in red text, and is known to Calliope. Alt-Calliope perhaps..?

Sure enough, it is... the Calliope who predominated over Caliborn in an alternative branch of that timeline, who created the big black hole, and who has now arrived ‘to protect your world’.

Phew.

Epilogue 4 as a whole

Bloody hell that was something.

So Jane’s gone full fash. For significant chunks of the comic she was mind-controlled by the Condesce, but I guess within this story she’s capable of going fash on her own devices.

The awful relationship between Jade and Jake is well-realised, I think, for all its awfulness. It comes across as a believable, ugly dynamic.

The whole redemption arc thing, that keeps coming up - it’s about fiction, but perhaps also more broadly about transformative and restorative justice; the kind of difficult conversations that I struggle with a lot, of how we collectively and individually respond to instances of cruelty, abuse and violence, and how these things arise in the first place.

At its best, this story is challenging a perspective that people who have been hurt in terrible ways should be obliged to grant forgiveness and absolution; a ‘too easy’ story where all pain disappears and everyone can just be friends again. But we must avoid two failure modes: one is a model of the world which takes it that some people are just bad, justifying any extent of “retributive” violence, and systemising that in a way that can and will inevitably be directed as a further weapon against those who are vulnerable to it, rather than in any way that prevents harm. All expansions of prisons are justified by appealing to the worse “predators”, but they do basically nothing to prevent sexual violence (rather, they concentrate it) and instead conveniently provide slave labour.

But there is still an obvious danger in the presumption that someone who has learned to be abusive and controlling has ‘reformed’; of refusing to act when someone needs help. Any system can be exploited.

Note that, of course, there is a considerable gap between imprisoning Gamzee in a fridge, and welcoming him as part of the friendship circle. When practised on a community scale, exile is an instrument of violence, but no individual person or small friendship group is obliged to maintain a relationship with a particular person...

So that’s what it’s dealing with. Only with ‘lol this clown is gross’ jokes; Gamzee, as presented here, is a repulsive person in every way possible, and those who defend him are painted as idiots.

The whole thing with the clowns in Homestuck has always been a bit of a weird one. The cultural markers invoked are heavily associated with class: they’re dirty, they drink a lot, they’re literally juggalos. But they’re also declared to be the ruling class, relating to other trolls as oppressors. And of course, haha, it’s only jokes, right...

(That’s not to get into the extent that clown imagery is racialised in the US, because hoooo boy that’s a complicated one. Discussions of ‘coding’ in media can get horribly oversimplified, and I think I’ve put my foot in that elsewhere. Coding is never just one thing)

Anyway I’m probably like, going on too much about this. Tell me I’m full of shit lol.

Alt-Calliope is hopefully finally going to explain wtf is going on as a result of John’s dubious decision at the start.

[itsyaboisayori]

Why I’m questioning Sayori

I said I’d make this post so here it is! Even got on my laptop to properly do the post :p I’m just kinda winging this but I’ll try to list out everything I can. If I forget stuff I’ll go back and edit it later so if you’re curious, keep watch! I’ll reblog any time I make edits, at least somewhat big ones. 

Also, replies are welcome! I’m open to constructive criticism and anyone wanting to offer new viewpoints. I accept that I’m still learning and nothing is for sure yet. Also tbh anyone telling me I sound like I’m kin is validating as heck so if you’re thinking it then I’d appreciate you saying it ahaha, but please don’t lie to me because you think you know what I want to hear. I want the truth. I don’t want to be a confused mess ;n; And I know all/most of these could be COMPLETELY unrelated to being Sayori fictionkin, but I feel like they’re worth mentioning anyways. It’s more like, a bunch of little coincidences rather than big solid evidence, I’m aware of that and that’s a big reason why I’m questioning and not for-sure Sayorikin.

One thing I realized just a couple of days ago is how, since I was a kid I’ve had this like, ideal thing I guess? how do I put this into words lmao my brain is dumb,, I guess a fantasy, that I’d fall in love with a childhood friend, like someone I’m close with from a young age but strictly friends for a long time. I’ve always been in love with the idea of falling in love with your best friend. And of course that’s what happens to Sayori, due to her programming in DDLC. And if I’m kin with Sayori from other game(s) rather than just DDLC then it definitely could be something unrelated, just a coincidence.

I’m like, really drawn to DDLC?? Maybe just because DDLC is a great game and I love all the creepypasta type stuff behind it all, all the theories and dark shit, and also I think just as a cute dating sim it’d be great anyways (but nowhere near as great). But idk, when I saw it I immediately felt kinda drawn to it but maybe that’s just in my head or for some other reason like the characters look nice or smth.

Also it REALLY gives me feels. It makes me feel things in general. I rarely get genuinely scared from fictional stuff anymore but this game fucked me up. I’m still scared to play it on my own because, even after watching multiple youtubers play it multiple times, it still fucking scares me.

The Sayori suicide scene and her poem- especially the poem- really get to me. I saw people making hanging puns in the previous video before her death so it was kind of spoiled for me but even still, it got to me. And the scene where Sayori is freaking out because you deleted Monika before playing the game REALLY gets to me,, like I just understand that overwhelming, helpless feeling. Especially finding out why she acted that way, it’s so fucking hard to watch that scene and normally I’m not affected by this kind of stuff. So either DDLC is extremely good at psychological horror or I have some sort of connection to the scenarios, whether that be just that I’ve been through similar things and am projecting (not really that I remember though? idfk brains are weird) or ya know,,, I once lived as someone in DDLC or whatever.

(TW self harm/suicide/choking) Probably has no real correlation but when I have panic attacks/flashbacks (unrelated to DDLC I mean) I feel like I’m choking or like I can’t breathe. And when really frustrated I tend to choke myself? Sayori died from asphyxiation instead of her neck being broken, by accident because she used a stepping stool instead of something higher like a chair and jumping off. Btw I’m okay, I never actually choke myself to the point to causing permanent damage or anything, and of course I’m not saying this is like, okay or anything. I know it’s bad but I’ve done it completely on impulse, and this was all before learning DDLC even existed. I’m working on getting better and I’m not going to kill myself or anything, just thought I’d mention this.

I relate to her personality,,, so fucking much. Not just the whole pretending to be happy to make your friends happy thing, but how she is as a person besides her depression. Tbh I feel like a lot of people relate to her because of her depression and how she deals with it, but like she’s so much more than that. She pretends to be dumb but it actually pretty smart. Maybe she’s not the best with words but I think she’s a lot more intelligent than some people think. She’s so cheerful, maybe even annoying, and is kind of the class clown, and is a total weirdo sometimes but it’s GREAT and just,, same lmao. Like “looks like my boobs are getting bigger again >:D” is something I’d say lolol I just love Sayori so much, like idc if I’m kin with her or not she’s still fucking amazing.

Another reason I relate to her but probably is like not at all proof I’m Sayori or anything, just thought I’d mention anyways, but I was kinda like, really in love with my guy friend in high school for years, he’s actually kinda like MC in some ways, like he was kinda popular with girls but not like Popular(tm), super nice and couldn’t directly say no, but he knew I was in love with him (or at least knew I had a crush on him but he probably had no idea I liked him THAT much but hey neither did I for a long time lmao) and didn’t like me back and even started intentionally avoiding me. Like, he would make up an excuse to not give me a hug, like he was late for class, but hugs only take like a fucking second what the hell?? It sucked but like when the player turns down Sayori I Relate.

I just,,,,, want to hug Natsuki like she’s fucking adorable and I want to protect her the most bc she’s like a precious child and she’s obviously abused by her dad. Tbh Yuri is a little creepy and for some reason I don’t like her that much but I mean I’d still hug her. I don’t hate Monika, like it was just her programming to do all that stuff she did so I don’t blame her and she’s p cool and I’d hug her too tbh. When Sayori interacts with Natsuki it makes me feel all warm n fuzzy. Like I don’t think in my canon Sayori and Natsuki were dating or anything, I think I/Sayori am/was just really protective? Idk, thought I’d throw that out there.

I also heavily relate to wanting to be a mediator and wanting to help everyone get along and be happy. I often (try to) play that role in this life. I’m extremely empathetic, so that’s prob why, but I can’t stand when people are fighting or can’t see each other’s point of view. Though it also frustrates the FUCK out of me when people refuse to or just absolutely cannot see any point of view but their own. Maybe that’s not really a Sayori thing but ye

When I look at Sayori I get the same “that’s me!” feeling as when I see my kintypes. Who knows though, maybe in a month or two it’ll fade, we’ll see I guess. But right now it is Very Strong. Like I’ve somewhat questioned being fictionkin with other characters before but I’ve never had the “that’s me” feeling this strong with anyone else. Ruby from RWBY is a close second but I still think she’s just a kithtype.

I feel like having a past life or whatever as someone who was experimented on kinda makes sense?? Maybe I just enjoy horror a little too much but I really think if I am Sayori I’m kin with her like actual her not just the DDLC version of her. The new game hasn’t even been announced yet but I’m so excited, mostly because I feel like I want to learn more about my possible past life I guess. I wanna see if things in the second game connect with me or if it’s just DDLC. But I feel like, if I’ve had any past lives as any humans, they were probably really dark or smth. I kinda have a dark mind I guess and that would just make sense to me lmao, like I’m 21 why haven’t I grown out of my edgy phase, why the fuck am I still really into creepypasta? Damn.

I’ve been kinda obsessed with DDLC lately. I have BPD so it could totally just be a BPD obsession thing and maybe this obsession will fade and someday I won’t care too much about DDLC, only time will tell. Also I’ve had the song Your Reality stuck in my head for a week straight but it may just be a catchy song and I tend to have a song that kinda automatically starts playing in my head occasionally, usually lately it’s been Sad Machine by Porter Robinson (good song btw highly recommend)

Most likely unrelated but Sayori’s hair has been described as “strawberry blonde” on one wiki and my hair is like, light brown but reddish, though it looks more like Monika’s hair, especially because I keep my hair long. I’ve been kinda wanting to cut it but I like having long hair tbh and I feel like a lot of ppl don’t want me to cut my hair haha, though I really wanna get a short wig and maybe wear that occasionally (esp bc I’m non binary and wanna pass as more boyish sometimes, I know society will never accept me as nb bleh but anyways). Though, it’s been said that the reason her hair is short is because it’s easier for her to deal with, but I’m not 100% sure if that’s canon. Though I guess it doesn’t matter much? cuz multiverse stuff n all but, still.

Speaking of her appearance, she seems to not care too much about how she looks, which I relate to haha, especially because of depression n stuff. I mean I have Crippling Social Anxiety(tm) so I do care to an extent but usually I’m like, if someone likes me they’ll like me for who I am not how I look anyways. I don’t feel the need to dress super proper to impress anyone in casual social situations, like making friends or even going on dates (though I’ve only been on a real date like a few times and they were with my gf who I’d already been dating online for a while). And yeah a big reason she’s so careless about her appearance is depression but I think if I wasn’t depressed and she wasn’t depressed we’d still both have that mentality like, we don’t need to impress anyone with our appearance so it’s better to just dress how you want, whatever way makes you feel comfortable and happy with yourself and your body, than focus on being proper and stuff.

Maybe I’m just projecting but man I feel like a lot of stuff I do and my ways of thinking and stuff are very Sayori(tm). I feel like I am so much like her, like she’s so me. Though of course, maybe my reason for being kin with her is purely psychological. Maybe I “became” her after seeing DDLC. Maybe I am her because I relate to her so much. But again, only time will tell. If I still feel like I identify as her (which, currently, I most definitely do) in a couple of months or so, then I guess I’ll start calling myself fictionkin. Idk.

[plush-anon]

plush reviews: pirates ahoy! (collected)

for my own personal reference, decided to collect the singular posts into one, w/ breaks between each original post below the cut

I will say this, the opening credits for this one are pretty dang good - nice visuals flow together with some wonderful music to create a compelling overview of the Bermuda Triangle and some of the wild theories commonly associated with it, as well as how far back these myths go. Kudos 🤗

also, I did not realize how short this movie is - paused it for a second and it’s only 70 minutes long apparently. huh

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oh man, good times - I forgot how stilted and choppy the WNSD animation could get in some shots.

annnnnd there’s the cotton candy fog. it moves like it’s on a skateboard being pulled across the screen XD

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finally cut to the gang - i honestly like this shot of everyone in the car. daphne paints her nails like my sister used to when we were young - on the dashboard on long car rides 😅 the nausea from the smell led to some “fun” trips, lemme tell ya 

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oh Casey Kasem, even in old age your Shaggy was memorably good

also the joke on Fred’s age never gets old XD like, you guys grew up together as kids in this continuity, how could you not know his age, much less that he’s obvs not in his 40s? still a fun one tho

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another thing i forgot about WNSD continuity - Shaggy’s character model being like 2 feet taller than Fred in some shots

also the gang being legitimate friends and liking each other and getting along, unlike some portrayals *side-eyes sdmi*

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i think this is my fave version of fred’s parents, although i do love Professor Huh from be cool scooby doo. they are EXACTLY how i picture the people who raised the sdway/wnsd version of Fred to be 

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holy crap, i forgot Kathy Najimy was in this 

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actually, here’s a thought: why haven’t they graduated Frank Welker to playing Fred’s dad in a show, and hired someone else to play Fred?

granted, the man still (uncannily I might add) sounds exactly like he did in the 60s (hOW?!?) but it’s strange they haven’t tried to do that yet apart from maybe pup named sd, where he played fred’s… uncle, i think and i guess kind of with the new scoob 2020 movie, where he only plays scooby

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…i think the captain of the ship just got beamed aboard the Enterprise o_O 

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the alien has the general head shape of the ones from Alien Invaders and the claw hands of dr claw from inspector gadget

also, whoever designs fred’s facial expressions in this movie is having waaaay too much fun (although kudos for actually… you know… making them. some characters have very minimal face movement and it’s rather unsettling, especially when the voice acting is actually pretty decent)

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i gotta say, good on fred’s parents for encouraging their son’s interests and talents, as well as getting him a birthday gift that he can not only enjoy, but also inviting his friends along for.

…unlike SOME incarnations *glares at sdmi*

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holy fcuk shaggy just brought back the ghost of captain cutler, glow-in-the-dark diving suit and all O_O 

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dang, velma’s lounge wear looks cozy. i’m glad they haven’t tried to force her into something weird

camp scare put her in a white bathing suit, which was… really odd for her, color scheme wise. altho the storyboard artists reaaaaaally wanted to do a drawn out, slo-mo play-in-the-water thing with velma and daphne in that one, so maybe that contributed to it? idk

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i do like that the gang inadvertently solves every mystery on a mystery cruise - that cracks me up 

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cripes, they keep cutting back and forth between a decently animated shot of the gang on a polished background, and this almost MS Paint looking rough animation of the castaway being guided on the deck, which is all flat colors and rough black lines. it looks terrible

the animation quality is all over the place here

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and suddenly man in a jetpack

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RON PERLMAN?!?!?

how the FRICK did they get him on this movie cast?! this is post-hellboy!

( also apparently arsenio hall voices the captain. who the heck had all these high rollers on speed-dial at the studio that day)

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actually, here’s a thought: given the voice cast we have, and how i’m actually able to follow this without having to look at the screen all the time (i’m folding laundry rn), this could make for a really decent comedy mystery radio show.

think about it! get a decent voice cast and writing team, and there’s a lot you can do with Scooby on the radio. you may not be able to do the chase scenes as well, but those can be worked around pretty easily with a solid writing team. i’d be interested in seeing that come to reality in all honesty - it could be fun!

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another thing i just noticed: Scooby hasn’t talked NEARLY as much in this one as he does in later shows/movies. I forgot how much I missed that from him 

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wait a tic that’s Dan Castellaneta as the hypnotist

seriously, who was able to get all these people on board for a Scooby Doo DTV about pirates

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now here’s an interesting moment/snafu: Shaggy and Scooby canNOT be hypnotized, according to this movie, but the clown in SDWAY was able to hypnotize them both using the exact same method - a gold circular object on a chain swung back and forth.

then there was Legend of the Phantasaur much much later able to hypnotize Shaggy so successfully he overcame his panic disorder

was it because they weren’t allowed to eat prior? their meal was continuously interrupted before they were dragged onstage. maybe being actively hungry and denied food when it’s right in front of them blocks them from being hypnotized properly…?, idk but it’s food for thought, for sure 😁

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ehehe, one of the background guests is wearing a Tin Man costume from the Wizard of Oz

alas, this is prolly as close to a crossover as I’ll ever get between my first two fandoms ever and maybe that’s for the best

(honestly kind of surprised there's never been a scooby themed oz-related adventure tbh public domain and recognizeable)

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it took about half an hour into the movie for the title villains to actually encounter the gang, or almost exactly halfway through the movie. that’s actually pretty odd for a scooby movie, isn’t it?   especially when they haven’t encountered any other mystery except the fake-y ones (a lot start off with an in-progress mystery to finish up before being introduced to the main)

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welp, villain’s been spoiled, it’s ron perlman’s character as the pirate captain…

*sighs* Pirate Captain Skunkbeard

like… you get freaking Slade from the teen titans, Hellboy Himself, to voice your baddy… and you give him a name like Skunkbeard.

could have been something cool like Capt Barnaby Bones, or Cuthbert Butcher the Red Pirate, or SteelHook Slater, or Morgan “Moonscar” McWright (okay, that one’s been used before, but the point stands dammit!)

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holy moly, one of the pirates just tried to cut scooby and shaggy’s head off with an actual blade

it cut clean through their costume heads with one swipe

jesus christ on a bike, what is WRONG with you?!?!

(sometimes these scooby dtvs have moments like this. moments that explain how it is shag and scoob have what is likely ptsd for days)

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*gang follows trail of oozy green liquid sheen to the pirate ship*

now see, i thought those wooden ships weren’t supposed to pollute the oceans back in the day

(tho it does work as a solid clue i’ll grant em that)

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shaggy, why aren’t you more excited to go into the cotton candy fog? it’s clearly grape and green apple flavored! 

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…i think one pirate just killed another one during that sea shanty there

brutal

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so i didn’t mention earlier, but tim conway is fred’s dad, and i think he’s the only voice star in this i’m not surprised at - he’s been on the new scooby doo mysteries as their celebrity guest of the week, so him coming back is more like a belated reunion

that being said, his voice work here varies wildly between ‘what the heck take was that’ and ‘hysterical’ - it’s quite odd

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and suddenly the cruise ship is sunk, and the gang is on an island

alrighty then

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the captions are cracking me up right now - not a single one has spelled “bananas” right

it only spells it as “banas” 🤣🤣🤣

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“Prepare to suffer the wrath of Capt Skunkbeard!”

…nope, that’s still not intimidating. try again sir.

(truly i am made to sail the seas, for i am salty af on this name)

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‘Seize them!’

fade to black

come back in on gang tied to the pirate ship mast

…really? the gang has escaped far worse than a group of pirates before (and usually to some funky tunes), and you’re saying they were captured just like that?

fred, please tell me this is a plan of yours, otherwise this is just dumb

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sooo the pirates want to find a place that matches a painting of stars from 200 years ago… without ever stopping to consider that the painting could just be a pretty picture?

it’s a small painting, and i don’t think that star maps were really used like that back in the 1800s when it was purportedly made (at least not from what they look like on wikipedia… none of them look like pretty wall paintings)

these pirates are kinda dumb, methinks

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the ghosts of the bermuda triangle, including world war fighter places, old exploration ships, and a sea monster are apparently trying to stop the pirates

because the pirates want to time travel and rule the sea throughout time

and they needed the pretty pretty picture to lead them to the time travel macguffin they want to retrieve… which is also the sole reason the Bermuda Triangle is all bermuda triangly to begin with, when it fell to earth from space itself.

…say what now?

...that has to be one of the dumbest time travel plots i've ever heard and i sat through endgame twice

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the macguffin is a solid gold meteor

a giant hunk of gold literally as larger as twenty of the pirates put together, and you want to use it to time travel instead of selling that shit and being made for life

why are none of you smart

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yet again i see scooby shoot someone with an item that should have killed them outright and ended the mystery right there

moon monster madness had scooby shoot the alien with a missile on the moon, and pirates ahoy has him shoot a cannon at someone point blank with only a wooden door immediately between them

shrapnel should have shredded that pirate to bits, if even that much was left after that

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okay, the time travel thing turns out to be a hoax the hypnotist uses to convince the billionaire to finance his search for the literal meteor of solid gold located in the heart of the Bermuda Triangle

that’s a relief at least - Scooby Doo has done some weird shit in its days, but time travel does not need to be one of them

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well, at least we finally have the answer to who would win in a fight - homer simpson or scooby doo?

(obvs scooby, of course :D)

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according to velma, everyone on the cruise was hypnotized into believing they were pirates (including fred’s mom), but doesn’t hypnotism only work if the person actually subconsciously agrees with/goes along with the suggestions?

does that mean that at least one person on the cruise ship wanted to behead someone, since they nearly succeeded with Shag and Scoob? does that mean the fred’s mom secretly wants to kill her husband, since she tried to have him thrown overboard the ship while she was hypnotized?

the questions this raises, they are unsettling thoughts indeed 😨

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“Wouldn’t you like a nice ski trip to the Himalayas?”

“And risk a run in with the Abominable Snowman?! Forget it!”

exactly one year later (no joke, it came out exactly one year later):

“Join Scooby and Shaggy as they run in terror from the Abominable Snowman in the Himalayas, in Chill Out Scooby Doo!”

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And that was Scooby Doo Pirates Ahoy!

That was a relatively fun, if dumb, done-in-one mystery. What really saves this one (especially given the REALLY inconsistent animation quality, from acceptable to ‘someone used MS Paint didn’t they?’ levels) was the voice cast. I don’t know what blackmail they had on these guys, but the voice acting was really dang good.

Probably too good - the bad guys’ voices are so memorable you know immediately who they are when you hear them.

The time travel spiel was unbelievably dumb, only saved by the fact it was a hypnotic ruse, and some of the stuff doesn’t quite mesh that well? Like the padding on the desert island, and some of the really weird plot contrivances like the painting being the exact map to a giant ass solid gold meteor :/

Still, a solid set-up (mystery cruise in the Bermuda Triangle) with some new elements (Fred’s parents, an absolute delight) make it a fun film for the wee ones. I’d call this a keeper at the end of the day.

Then again, I really have forgotten how nice it is to see the gang as actual supporting friends and have it feel sincere. Be Cool Scooby Doo was mostly for humor, but the kids still felt like they liked each other well enough.

WNSD on the other hand really made them feel like actual friends, based on body language around each other, general closeness, and a warm comradery that’s hard to replicate. For the flaws this show has, this is certainly not one of them.

That’s all for tonight folks. Sleep well, me hardies yo ho!

[absurdfuture]

THE “WHERE’S MY ELEPHANT?” THEORY OF HISTORY

According to my dad, there are two major theories of history. The first, the “conspiracy theory,” holds that there exists a shadowy elite behind all the various outrages which constitute the whole grim story of mankind, deliberately manufacturing evil to suit their nefarious designs. The advantage of subscribing to the conspiracy theory is that if you were to find some way of unraveling the conspiracy, you would be able to make everything all better.But the second theory, which my dad personally would always say he subscribed to, is the “cock-up theory,” holds that all the bad things that happen are essentially just mistakes: that it is human to err and so, ultimately, nothing can ever really improve. Incremental gains, sure, can sometimes be made, but someone is always bound to cock things up again.My dad tended to raise the cock-up theory against my naïve attempts at teenage dinner-table Marxism, since he assumed that any sort of central state intervention — under which he included any attempt to make things better for people using politics — was likely to result in more cock-ups. So I guess the distinction between these two folk historiographies has always bugged me.Which is why I'm going to sketch a third one. Call this the “where’s my elephant?” theory of history (I got this phrase from someone who follows me on twitter who goes by “JamesFerraroFan”).The “where’s my elephant?” theory takes it name, of course, from The Simpsons episode in which Bart gets an elephant (Season 5, episode 17, to be precise). For those of you who don't know the episode: Bart wins a radio contest where you have to answer a phone call with the phrase, “KBBL is going to give me something stupid.” That “something stupid” turns out to be either $10,000, or “the gag prize”: a full-grown African elephant. Much to the presenters’ surprise, Bart chooses the elephant — which is a problem for the radio station, since they don't actually have an elephant to give him. After some attempts at negotiation (the presenters offer Principal Skinner $10,000 to go about with his pants pulled down for the rest of the school year; the presenters offer to use the $10,000 to turn Skinner into “some sort of lobster-like creature”), Bart finds himself kicked out of the radio station, screaming “where's my elephant?”The story is picked up by the news (Kent Brockman: “Isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives? Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.”), which leads to the presenters being threatened with the loss of their jobs, which leads to them to obtain the elephant for Bart. Bart has won his joke prize, but now he must deal with the joke's consequences. Predictably, the elephant proves impossible for the Simpson family to keep — it costs them a huge amount of money and does a significant amount of damage to local real estate. In the end, they give the elephant away to an animal sanctuary. A few seasons later (in the episode in which the Simpson family hosts Apu’s wedding in their back garden), Bart is barely able to remember that he even had an elephant at all.In short then, the “where’s my elephant?” theory holds the following:If you give someone a joke option, they will take it.The joke option is a (usually) a joke option for a reason, and choosing it will cause everyone a lot of problems.In time, the joke will stop being funny, and people will just sort of lose interest in it.No one ever learns anything.So what evidence is there that the question “where’s my elephant?” has somehow been in the background throughout the history of our species, the driving force behind all human events?Well, here’s one somewhat news-relevant example: On Friday, the UK will officially leave the European Union. In a sense, this event will conclude the almost four years of political turmoil that have raged in my home country following the June 2016 Brexit referendum. But of course “in a sense” is doing quite a bit of heavy lifting here. In truth, the agreement to withdraw passed by Boris Johnson's government only really settles a few formalities about what will happen the day the UK ceases to be an EU member state, with much of Britain's future relationship with Europe still to be agreed upon (questions of how trade will work, how the borders will work, etc.). Given the difficulties still to come, it is no surprise that the conservative Tory party — which most recently campaigned on a platform of pretty well ending Brexit, and indeed politics in general, forever — have moved to ban the word “Brexit” after January 31. Brexit will remain with us — and yet, even as it continues to happen, it will be forced into feeling like a distant memory, the after-image of some unpleasantness we no longer wish even to understand.And perhaps it was the same with Boaty McBoatface. In hindsight, everyone should have always known that people were going to vote for Brexit — because a few months before the referendum, a poll to name a new vessel owned by the British National Environment Research Council was topped, following a social media campaign, by the suggestion “Boaty McBoatface”. In the end though, the public were denied the opportunity to call a research vessel something manifestly very silly, with the then-Science Minister Jo Johnson (Boris’s centrist, anti-Brexit brother) intervening to ensure that the boat would be called “RRS Sir David Attenborough.” “Boaty McBoatface” still became the name of something — but only one of Attenborough’s remote-controlled submersibles. As with Brexit, the Boaty McBoatface poll saw the public voting en masse for the joke option, the option no-one ever expected them to choose — in part, one suspects, simply because the people in charge had not thought to plan for what would happen if they did so.The difference, of course, is that the Boaty McBoatface vote was trivial enough to be dismissed, but then-Prime Minister David Cameron had held the Brexit referendum in order to resolve an internecine conflict within his own party, which made that act of voting for the joke option significant enough to trigger a constitutional crisis.HOW THE PENTAGON MANAGED TO FORGET THAT PEOPLE WILL INEVITABLY CHOOSE THE JOKE OPTION WHILE TALKING TO PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP IS BEYOND ME.Similar forces were at work when Donald Trump was elected towards the end of the same year. In part, “similar forces” here mean a resurgent nativism, but it’s also significant that for more than a decade, the idea of “President Trump” had been used as a punchline by comedies like The Simpsons. “Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican,” quipped Seth Myers at the 2011 White House Correspondent's Dinner, “which is surprising, because I just assumed he was running for president as a joke.” Trump was never supposed to become the president; the mere idea of him doing so somehow upset the order of reality, and that was a huge part of his appeal. In almost exactly the same way, Boris Johnson, Trump’s UK analogue, first rose to prominence via his appearances on the BBC panel comedy show Have I Got News For You?, where he excelled at playing a blustering, upper-class twit Tory MP character called “Boris Johnson.” By the mid-2010s, Johnson was widely presumed to be a future Tory leader — but only because people had first had the idea “what if Boris Johnson was the Prime Minister?” pop into their heads as a joke.Meanwhile, earlier this year, Trump (allegedly) decided to have Iranian commander Qasem Soleimani assassinated because Pentagon officials tacked on the option of doing so in a briefing to “make the other options seem reasonable”. How the Pentagon managed to forget that people will inevitably choose the joke option while talking to President Donald Trump is beyond me.In my dad’s “conspiracy theory,” the driving force behind history is malice; on his “cock-up theory,” history is propelled by incompetence. But according to the “where’s my elephant?” theory, history is shaped by something rather more positive: desire. Specifically, the desire operative behind the “where’s my elephant?” theory is the desire for transgression. Humor, after all, exists at the limits of our world: the comedian Stewart Lee’s theory of clowning says that the purpose of jokes is to set out, and thus legislate, the boundaries of acceptable behavior. To make the “joke option” a reality, then, is to transgress the limits the joke itself sets out.Sometimes this can be joyous. Consider this oral history of the time the dog ate that guy's donor heart on the teen drama One Tree Hill, which happened (it seems) because the writers came up with it as a joke option, then essentially baited themselves into choosing it for real. But more often (and certainly when it comes to things more consequential than teen dramas), it’s a disaster — because now that the joke option has actually happened, it's no longer locatable at the margins of possibility, so it’s no longer particularly funny. Then all you’re left with is something that there were previously very good reasons not to let happen — and everyone is going to have to adapt around them. No wonder a public that was already bored enough with reality to vote for something as ridiculous as Brexit lost interest pretty quickly when it turned out that Brexit was in fact a very hard thing to do.So how should we respond to all this? Well, one major reaction to both Brexit and Trump was a sort of renewed call for everyone to be simply a lot more sensible. But this is strategically very stupid, like thinking the solution to your kid loudly demanding ice cream for breakfast is to offer them broccoli instead. Probably the closest we’ve yet come to using the “where’s my elephant?” theory for good instead of evil was in Britain in 2017, when we almost managed to get Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn elected prime minister using memes.Back then, the idea of a Corbyn premiership seemed, if not completely ridiculous, then at least fantastical — in large part, because the media had spent the past year and a bit making it seem so (indeed, Corbyn was only ever let onto the ballot for the 2015 Labour leadership election as a sort of joke option in the first place — endorsed by members of Parliament who never thought he would win). Unfortunately, by 2019, the quite-good 2017 result had lent the idea of “Prime Minister Corbyn” the smack of realism, and Labour was unable to capture the same utopian joy.Perhaps though there is still a clue here. If the “where’s my elephant?” theory is broadly correct, and history is driven by desire, then, well, not all of our desires are simply aimed at transgression for its own sake. In the “where’s my elephant?” theory, the world-spirit is rendered as Bart Simpson, perennially a 10-year-old scamp (if we wanted to historicize the historiography, perhaps we could speculate that the “where’s my elephant?” theory is the product that makes it impossible for everyone, regardless of age, to grow up).Bart can, yes, be mischievous and destructive, but not all his desires are anti-social ones. He is the kid who gets the principal fired after his dog runs loose in the school vents; who makes 900 dollary-doo collect calls to Australia; who responds to the command “go to bed” by going, instead, “to bread. ”But he is also a sweet boy who needs his family’s love and wants his mom and dad to be proud of him — the Bart of episodes like “Marge Be Not Proud”. If we are doomed to be Bart Simpson, then we must figure out how to be that Bart Simpson, instead.