#i have never once had dentist anxiety before but

[divinekangaroo]

Apparently, dentists now have things sized and shaped like dildos with a vibrating tip, that they stick in your mouth and move all around including quite deep to create 3D images of your teeth including the very back of your backmost teeth, which requires that they go quite deep indeed, all while you stare at the what the fuck screen they've stuck to their ceiling which happens to reflect your image of this happening back at you during darker moments in whatever soothing landscape they'd deciding to show

[thethingything]

also though this dentist is genuinely the best dentist we've ever had.

she was really understanding about us having issues with toothpaste and we asked if she had any recommendations for alternatives we could try to see if those help and she gave us some options to look into so that's cool.

she also took our medical trauma into account and kept checking if we were okay throughout the appointment and asking if we needed to take breaks and we've never had a dentist do that before.

she warned us about what each tool would feel like too and actually warned us if something was going to be painful which like, I would in fact rather be warned that "this is going to be uncomfortable in this way" and "yeah this is gonna feel really bad for a few days but that's normal" than have someone try to reassure us that it won't be that bad only for it to get really painful.

our next appointment is to have a tooth removed and she explained the procedure to us and how that normally goes, and then we asked if we can take the tooth home afterwards and I can only assume from the look on her face that she's never been asked that before, but she was like "yeah I don't see why not, it is yours after all" so that's cool

[soursturniolo]

Scare • Matt Sturniolo

pairing: matt sturniolo/fem!reader

summary: matt and you handle a pregnancy scare.

tags: angst and then fluff, with some humor sprinkled in. happy ending.

tw: light discussion of periods and pregnancy

It feels like my heart stops as I look at the calendar on my phone.

9 days late. And I’m never late.

I noticed this morning that my box of tampons still sat in the cabinet, unopened, in Matt and I’s shared bathroom. I hadn’t thought anything of it, until I opened my calendar to see when my next dentist appointment is.

I swallow dryly as I lock my phone and slip it back into my pocket, dropping down to sit on Matt and I’s bed. All I can think about is that damn calendar. 9 days late. 9 whole days. One or two days is normal I guess, but nine entire days?

I can feel my thoughts spiraling already. Matt and I are safe. I’m on a good birth control and we use condoms often. But even those aren’t foolproof. I do remember forgetting my pill twice this month.

Oh god. What if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready for a kid right now.

Oh god, and Matt. Matt isn’t ready either. With his career and plans with his brothers there’s no way this could even work right now. It would ruin everything. I feel tears of worry and anxiety fill my eyes and begin to drop down my cheeks.

My thoughts just continue to spiral and spiral, until I feel the bed dip next to me. I turn to see Nick, who had stayed behind with me while Matt and Chris went out to pick up some groceries.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” He asks concerned, his arm wrapping around my shoulder, pulling me into a side hug as we sat together.

I open my mouth to speak as my eyes meet his, but all that comes out is a sob. My hand moves to cover my mouth as more sobs follow. Nicks face creases in worry as his other arm wraps around me, pulling me into a hug as he rubs my back soothingly.

“Deep breaths, babe. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay,” he tells me, making me jerk back as I shake my head.

“No it won’t! He’s going to hate me!” I cry.

“If you’re talking about Matt, that kid could never hate you,” Nick tells me, voice calm and reassuring.

“I don’t know, Nick,” I laugh without humor, “this might.”

“Did you cheat?” Nick asks face calm, but apprehensive.

“No! God no,” I immediately answer.

Nick gives a small smile at the quick response.

“Okay, highly doubted it when I asked anyway,” he laughs, “but I don’t know what else could have you so upset thinking he’s going to hate you. You can talk to me, I want to help. What’s wrong?” He asks again.

I sigh. Nicks my best friend. He’s how I met Matt in the first place. I really wanted to just talk to Matt about this first, but with LA traffic and all Matt probably won’t be back for another hour. I don’t think I can survive another hour keeping this all bottled up.

“Nick, it’s bad,” I begin, voice shaken.

“I don’t care how bad, I’m here,” he immediately responds.

I take a deep breath.

“I’m late.” I state.

If this wasn’t so serious, Nicks reaction would have been funny. He stares at me blankly for a moment, before his head cocks to the side a bit in confusion.

“Like, to an appointment?” He asks, lost.

“No, Nick,” I sigh, shaking my head, “my period is late” the last part comes out like a whisper.

Once Nick connects the dots his jaw drops open a bit in surprise, confirming my feelings.

“See! It’s so bad, Nick, this is so bad!” I yell, jumping up from the bed and beginning to nervously pace in front of where Nick sits, still shocked.

“N-no, it’s not bad!” He stutters as he watches me with wide eyes.

I stop pacing and just look at him.

“Really? Not bad? Your jaw dropped open like that because you were trying to catch a fly, then?” I ask sarcastically.

“Listen, I just got confronted with the fact that my best friend and brother fuck, I needed a second,” he defends, hands up.

“Nick, we’ve been dating a year. We dont go to bed and play clash of clans together,” I tell him, making him roll is eyes.

“I know! I know but I also don’t think about it and now we kinda have to think about it and I don’t like it!” Nick exclaims.

“Don’t think about it!” I yell back.

We pause for a minute, staring at each other before we both crack smiles at how ridiculous this has become. We laugh and I return to sitting next to him. Nick wraps his arm around my shoulder again and rests his head against mine.

“So, how late are we talking?” He asks, getting back to the important point.

“9 days,” I whisper.

“Okay. Not horrible. Could be later,” he says, nodding. I nod too. A moment of silence passes as I nervously pick at my nails and Nick stares at the wall, thinking.

“Well, I think we know what we gotta do.” He says, softly.

I turn to him, knowing too.

“Let me call Matt, he should still be at the store with Chris. They can pick up a test,” Nick says. I take another shaky breath before nodding in agreement. I get my phone out and go to Matt’s contact, dialing his number before handing my phone to Nick.

“Hey baby,” Matt’s voice comes through the speaker softly.

“Hey, it’s Nick,” Nick says, earning a confused noise from Matt.

“Nick? Why do you have her phone? Is she okay?” He asks quickly, his concern making me smile softly despite the stressful situation.

“Um,” Nick pauses, which only worries Matt further.

“‘Um’, isn’t a good answer when a guy asks about his girlfriend, Nick,” Matt responds quickly.

“Sorry, she’s okay, but we need you to pick up something else for her while you’re at the store,” Nick says.

“Okay, what?” Matt asks.

Nick looks at me, encouraging me to speak. I take a breath before taking the phone out of Nicks hands, taking it off speaker and holding it to my ear.

“I need a pregnancy test,” I tell him softly.

I cringe as there’s a moment of silence on the other end of the line.

“Okay, I can grab that. Do you need anything else, sweetheart?” He asks softly. I smile again despite the tears I can feel coming again.

“No, that’s it,” I whisper.

“Okay, we’ll be back soon, I love you,” he tells me.

“Love you too” I say back before hanging up.

Nick and I move downstairs, where he puts on a movie for us to distract us while we wait. I let myself be pulled into its predictable plot line as we wait for Matt and Chris to come home.

We both are startled out of our focus on the movie when we hear the front door unlock, followed by it opening to reveal Matt coming in with a mostly empty plastic bag in his hand, while Chris came in carrying the other groceries. Nick moves to help Chris and grabs some of the heavier bags from him, both of them walking to the kitchen while Matt walks over to me.

I stand as he meets me by the couch. He looks surprisingly calm, while meanwhile I feel like my insides are shaking with the anxiety I’m feeling right now. He gives me a small smile before wrapping me in his arms. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I relax into his arms, resting my head against his chest. He gives me a gentle squeeze as I feel him press a kiss to my head.

“Let’s head to my room, baby,” he whispers, pulling back from the hug and grabbing my hand to lead me that way. Once in his room, he hands me the bag with the pregnancy test in it before sitting on his bed. Before walking to our bathroom, I pause.

“Matt, I need to know what this will mean,” I tell him.

He gives a small smile and holds his hand out to me. I walk over and grab it. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, before bringing it up to lips to give it a kiss.

“We’ll do it together. Whatever it is. Sure, I thought kids would be later. But, if now is the time, now is the time. I think I’d be more freaked if this was with some random girl. But with you? I know whatever happens, we will be just fine,” he tells me, before giving the back of my hand another kiss.

“You promise?” I ask.

“I swear,” he tells me.

I smile and nod, before heading to the bathroom. The test is quick and easy, and I’m soon done. I leave the test on the bathroom counter, set my timer for fifteen minutes, and come back out to sit next to Matt on our bed. I rest my head on his shoulder as Matt wraps his arm around me. We just quietly sit, both of us lost in our thoughts as we wait, only to be shaken out of our trances by my phone loudly going off.

I sigh as I stand and walk back to the bathroom to grab the test. I pick it up, careful to not flip it over to show the result, and walk back out to Matt. I stop in front of him. He gives me another reassuring smile as his hands come up to rest on my hips.

“Ready?” I ask, voice cracking.

“Yeah, baby,” he says.

I take a deep breath, knowing this small test in my hand could change everything for the both of us. But I look at Matt, looking up at me with so much warmth and comfort in his eyes, and it’s not so scary anymore.

I flip the test over, both of our eyes moving to see the result.

Negative.

“It’s negative!” I say, laughing. He smiles too, standing and pulling me into a tight hug. We both rock back and forth as we hug, feeling relief. We pull back from the hug and Matt kisses me softly. We both smile into the kiss.

After we part, we walk hand in hand out to the living room where Chris and Nick both sit. They both give us smiles when we walk in.

“So, are we going to be uncles?!” Chris yells, practically bouncing on the couch in excitement.

Matt rolls his eyes, shaking his head while I laugh.

“No, it’s negative. My periods just late, that’s all. It happens sometimes,” I tell them, almost feeling bad when Chris pouts a bit.

We spend the rest of the night laughing and watching movies together, Matt holding me snug in his arms. That night when we go to bed, Matt says something that surprises me.

“Is it bad that I was just a little disappointed?” He asks me softly.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Well, when you first called and asked for the test I was freaking out on the inside. But then I talked to Chris a bit and the whole drive home I thought about it. And then I thought about a little us, a mix of you and me. And as life changing as a kid right now would be, I got excited,” he says, voice soft and quiet.

I smile, leaning in to press my lips softly against Matt’s.

“We’ll have a little us someday, just not quite yet.” I tell him.

“You promise?” He asks.

“I swear.”

[yngtort]

— toothache ❄️

♫ All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth ♫

kinkmas day 1

Fem!reader. mdni. 2.9kw. in which doctor bangchan fills your cavities and the entirety of your mouth.

It hurt like hell.

Exposed to the cold early morning air of the winter, your teeth ache in your mouth. The pain was so aggravating that it had you zooming through the icy roads, trying to get to the dentist as soon as possible.

You had a cavity.

It was obvious, but it still caught you off guard. You genuinely always took good care of your teeth. You brushed, flossed, washed, and even went the extra mile to buy that expensive LED teeth whitening thing from TikTok.

Your hygiene was top tier.

but you’re still pulling into the parking lot of diamond dental with your hand glued to the side of your face.

“Seungmin, I’m freaking the fuck out.” You mumbled into the phone as you hop out of your Nissan, locking it multiple times because you're that kind of person.

The type to worry over little things like a stolen car and dying in a dentist chair.

“It’s not that bad, y/n. You won’t even feel anything.” Your coworker, most importantly your best friend, tells you from the other end.

“You’re acting like you’ve never been to the dentist before.”

He’s right, you have been there— but just to get your teeth brushed a couple times and handed a sticker right after. Not, to be stabbed in the mouth with a needle.

“It’s just been a while and you know how I feel about people’s hands in my mouth.”

“I don’t like the way you worded that.” He faked gagged, “anyways, call me when you’re done, Kay?”

“Kay.” you replied, slightly disappointed as he hung up the phone. Leaving you to walk the path of shame into the dentist office alone.

-

After filling out an extensive amount of paperwork, anxiously shaking your leg for an hour, and losing a mean game of virtual uno— your name was finally called.

You were led to the back by a small lady whose steps were short but impactful. She was so fast, you couldn’t tell if you were a patient or a Maury cameraman.

“Go on in,” she gestured towards the basic oral operation room. You take a seat, awkwardly deciding to put your hands on your stomach.

fuck you’re scared shitless, and the woman seems to notice your discomfort as she tries to distract you with a small conversation. But your eyes are still trained on whatever the fuck she’s putting together.

You inadvertently move away as she holds a silicone piece to your lips, “open as wide as you can,” she instructed.

Gosh, this was embarrassing. You were almost considering letting your teeth rot. But no, that’s gross.

Once the what-ever-it’s-called is placed in your mouth, she brings over another contraption. You assume it’s just a glorified camera, which was correct.

after a few pictures of your teeth, which kinda hurt btw, the woman inspected the photo. “Looks like you have a cavity on one of your molars. Other than that, you take pretty good care of your teeth.”

Pretty good? You felt like your efforts deserved higher praise but whatever. She goes on to tell you what needs to be done and how long it will take.

You grimace at the details.

“The doctor will be with you shortly.” She told before promptly leaving.

And now you’re left in complete silence. Well, not exactly silence. There was some music playing in the back, falling in melody with the constant sound of mechanical wiring from people in the rooms over— probably getting the same procedure. It sounded like someone was dying in there, seriously.

Anxiety filled you to the brim as you considered darting out that room right that second.

But just as you’re about to swing yourself out of your seat, there’s a voice that enters the room.

“Hello, ms.y/n . I’m dr.bang, I’ll be taking care of you for the day.” The doctor says as he steps in-front of you and suddenly you don’t want to move from that seat anytime soon.

He’s an undeniable hottie, even in those generic dentist scrubs that everyone in the faculty sported. For some reason, he just sparkled in them. Maybe it was because of the bulging muscles and his tan skin— whatever it was, your mouth was watering.

“Hello,” you said rather dryly, still locked on the vain that ran down his toned arm.

The doctor gives you a smile, a bright one too, and pulls a seat next to yours. “I hear you have a cavity. Mind if i have a look?” He asks as if you really have a choice. like he’s not already lowering the back of your chair so he can get a good look at your pearly whites.

He goes in with a tiny mirror, holding your chin with his free hand as he inspects the cavity. “You’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth, hmm?” he asked, thumb gliding over your bottom lip.“suckers, perhaps?”

Damn, he called you out.

Now this may sound a little weird, but you’ve always had quite the addiction to lollipops — suckers, the tootsie pop ones specifically. it’s even gotten to the point where you have a jar of them waiting at home on your nightstand.

And it’s not even the flavor of candy itself, you just…like putting things in your mouth?

Moving on !

Dr.bang finally moves back, releasing your jaw that was just starting to hurt. “It's only a small cavity. just need to fill it in for ya and I’ll be out of your hair.”

Honestly, with a face like his, he could play in your hair for as long as he wanted to. Give it a few tugs while he’s at it.

“Okay, but um..” you gulp a bit, toying with the end of your jacket. “Are you gonna give me a shot? My mouth is a bit sensitive, and I was wondering if there were any other alternatives.”

The doctor chuckled softly hearing your concerns. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s heard something like this.

“Unfortunately, the numbing gel that we use wouldn’t be as effective for this procedure.” He said before placing his hand on your shoulder in a reassuring manner. “But I promise it’ll only hurt for a second. I’m sure you can take it, yeah?”

take what? him ? Or the damn needle?

You have no clue, but if he’s gonna talk to you like that, you feel like you could break through a wall if you put your mind to it.

The dirty thoughts don’t get any better throughout the rest of your time in that damn chair either. Dr.bang had quite the mouth on him.

“Open up for me” “atta girl.” “That’s it, just a bit more”, he would say this while fingers were damn there down your throat.

A bit of an overstatement, he’s drilling your teeth, but you wish was drilling his dick—

“All done.”

The back of your chair is lifted up and you try not to let your body slump over. You’ve been lying in that spot for about an hour and a half, teeth being tickled, and eyes being blinded by the dingy light above your head.

And yet, you don’t want to go home.

“Does everything feel okay, ms.y/n? Nothing bothering you?” he asks, removing his glasses and placing them in his —soft— hair.

You shake your head, “nope, just can’t feel my tongue.” You say, poking the side of your face, testing how much force it will take for you to actually start feeling it.

The doctor laughs at your comment, dimples on full display. “The numbness should wear off in a hour or so. Just try not to eat, don’t want you biting your tongue off.”

“Has that actually happened?” You asked, wide eyed and Mr.bang only laughed again.

“On occasion.” He told, “But you’re a smart girl, so I know you won’t disobey doctors orders.”

Does he get paid to talk like that? Or is he just written by a woman with daddy issues?

Both probably.

“Speaking of doctor orders, try to lay off the sugar, yeah? I’m sure you don’t want to see too much of me after today.”

—

“That was obviously an opening for you to flirt with him.” Seungmin scoffs as he closes the register.

You’re at your job, a small candy parlor called sweethearts, talking to your dear coworker about what transpired earlier that day. You didn’t spare him from the dirty laundry that harvested in your mind while you were getting the fill in. Seungmin doesn’t care tho, he’s not judgmental.

That, and you’re his only source of entertainment as the slow part of your shift comes around.

“Flirt? With the dentist? Isn’t there like a rule against that?” You asked, shifting the cherry flavored sucker in your mouth over to the other side of your cheek.

“For him, yeah” Seungmin shrugged, “but I doubt that anyone actually cares nowadays.”

“He’s probably in a relationship.” You popped the candy out your mouth, lips stained in a pretty red. “He’s too fine not to be.”

“And? ” he crossed his arms.

You blink at him a couple times, “I’m not fucking a taken man.”

“Loser.”

“You’re so-“ you sigh. “Whatever, just go restock something.” You push him from behind the counter.

The next few hours seemed to fade into each other as you stood absentmindedly behind the register. Seungmin had already clocked out since he got lucky and was offered a short shift for today. now you’re slouching at the register— phone in hand, while sucking on another tootsie pop.

“Just can’t stay away from those things, huh?” The voice grabs your attention with a force of seven suns.

you know that thick accent too well.

It had replayed in your head for the entirety of the day after your first encounter.

“D-Dr. bang?” you stutter, eyes round as you take in the man in front of you as he sets down a heart shaped box of chocolates.

“Chris.” he corrects, “I don’t like being called doctor outside the clinic. Makes me sound old.”

It makes him sound hot, in your opinion.

You nod a few times before clearing your throat, reminding yourself that you are on the clock.

”Christmas shopping?” you asked, still mentally going feral as gaze over his stature.

He’s dressed like a chase Atlantic song, how could you not ?

“Yes actually. I was looking for some small sweets to fill up a gift basket.”

“Oh” you perk, scanning the chocolates and placing them in a bag. “for your girlfriend?”

“No, don’t have one.” He says with a shrug, “it’s for my mom.”

A mamas boy ! Woo !

a spark of relief shoots through your body as you hear his words. You won’t have to be a homewrecker after all. Not saying that you were planning to but,, it’s just good to know.

“$6.58.” You tell and Chris follows through with the transaction. his hands brushes against yours as you pass the bag to him and you can’t help but blush like a schoolgirl.

“What about you?”

You blink, “what about me?”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

Is he showing interest too? Is that what this was?

“No, but I dont think these are the kind of questions doctors are supposed to ask.” you say teasingly.

“I’m just trying to get to know my patient better.”

“Uh huh, sure.” you raise an eyebrow, “got anything else you wanna ask?”

Chris crossed his arms, eyes flickering down to the stick that laid between your plump lips. The Candy was completely gone, leaving behind a blue hue on your mouth.

“Your obsession with suckers might’ve peaked my interest.” He told, “do they taste that good that you have to go against my orders?”

That's a really good question. it’s not the first time you’ve heard it, but it stumps you every time. You’re actually a savory kind of girl, like if you had to choose between pie or chips— you’re grabbing the saltiest bag you can find.

But it’s like all your life, you were always sucking on something. Your thumb, jawbreakers, ring pops— anything really.

“I don’t exactly know.” You start, thinking about how to word this. “It’s not exactly the taste…I just kind of like putting things in my mouth?”

Every part of you was expecting to be laughed at, but when not a chuckle left the man’s lips you were just confused.

“So you have an oral fixation?” He asks

“There’s a name for it?” “There’s a name for everything, love.”

“And how do you know all of this?” You push and Chris clicks his tongue.

“I’m a dentist, remember?” Chris takes a step closer, leaning against the counter. “I also know how to satisfy that urge you’ve been feeling.”

Oh.

—

you don’t remember how you ended up like this. pressed against the break room door, tongue tangled with a man you just met.

It’s a crazy situation, but honestly it’s not the wildest thing you’ve done.

your melting into his hold, kiss making you dizzy as if his saliva was laced with some kind of drug. it was absolutely intoxicating, the way his tongue explored every part of your mouth with no restraint.

“Taste so fuckin’ sweet.” He mumbled against your lips.

Chris’s hands roam under your shirt. his cold palms against your warm skin sends a shiver down your spine. Goosebumps follow behind him with every contact as he massages and squeezes your curves.

He pulls back from the kiss and you couldn’t help but whine at the sudden detachment. You try to get him back, but his hand grabs your jaw.

“Don’t worry pretty girl, I got something to fill that dirty mouth of yours.” He coaxes, thumb brushing your swollen lips. “On your knees.”

You take to the floor with no questions asked, eyes coming in direct contact with his bulge and you can’t help but wonder that would even fit in your mouth.

But you won’t back down from the challenge. Your hands almost beggingly climb up his thighs as you look up at him, silently asking for permission.

“If there’s something you want, say it.” Chris tells, head tilted to the side in such an attractive way.

You lean your face up against his leg, “can I put it in my mouth?”

The older grins, “Of course, baby.” He says before unzipping his pants and letting them drop to the floor.

You gulp at how thick his thighs are. Just imagine riding them, wetness dripping all over his skin.

And that’s not even the main event.

his boxers were wrapped so tightly around his dick, each inch was on display and it had your mouth watering. you wasted no time pulling them down, watching it pop up as it’s freed.

“ So big.” You whispered in awe before taking the base into your hands and guiding it to your lips.

“open up for me, love” Chris instructed and you do as told, parting your lips and taking him into your mouth.

the man above lets out a low groan as he's stuffed down your throat. He’s a little surprised at how easily you're handling his girth, lips wrapped around him so snuggly without a single gag.

“Just like that, good girl,” he praises as you suck him like a lollipop. “taking it so well.”

Your head bobbed at a generous rate, hands gripped onto his thighs while you slobbered over his dick. It was such a lewd scene to witness. only worsening when Chris grabs you by your hair, stopping your movements before he takes full control.

his hips reel away before slamming back into your face, fucking your mouth roughly. you whimpered as the head of his dick jabbed the back of your throat repeatedly.

Tears started to well up in your eyes from the harshness of his thrusts. Your throat was rubbed raw and there was an extreme ache in your jaw, but you can’t help being more aroused by the pain. The feeling of being tortured orally had your panties soaked.

So it’s only natural that one of your hands was tucked between your thighs, kneading your clothed clit between your fingers.

“Pretty lil mouth must feel so good finally being used, yea? been practicing on those stupid suckers just for this?” Chris asks cockily, knowing he’d never receive an answer.

He fucks you until his dick is twichting uncontrollably on your tounge, ready to release his thick seed down your throat. But before he even gives you the satisfaction, he yanks back, dick leaving your mouth with a pop.

He decided he’d rather see his cum painting your face than having it disappear without a trace. So he pumps himself in sync with your fingers that were still buried in your pants.

It’s only a matter of seconds before his white ropes drench your face— tongue, lips, lashes— all covered in his mess.

“Fuck” he curses and says something else, but you can comprehend. You're too deep in a daze.

“Y/n.” He calls and calls and calls and calls—

until suddenly his voice loses that thick Aussie accent and instead starts sounding more like your coworker.

“Yo, y/n? I'm gonna clock out soon.” Seungmin says waving his hands in front of your face, “your break was over 30 minutes ago.”

“W-what the fuck???” You blink, still confused and the male just sighs.

“You and your daydreams, man.”

:)

Kinkmas has finally started ! hope you guys enjoyed day 1. I had to quickly cut it short because I type too much and I definitely wouldn’t make the deadline if I continued. That being said, if you would like me to continue toothache as a series just let me know !

— sincerely nni

Tinytag list (open) : @sydnerss @sunnyyangie @foxinnie8 @panjakes

[nicoline1998enilocin]

Every step of the way

PAIRING || Husband!Chris Evans x Wife!Fem!Reader

WORDCOUNT || 2.6K

SUMMARY || Ever since you were small, you have had a substantial fear of the dentist, and now that you have to have your wisdom teeth removed, your anxiety is growing every day. It's a good thing you have Chris by your side, as he will be there alongside you every step of the way, making the load to bear a little less difficult.

RATING || Mature (M)

TAGS || RPF. Established relationship. Use of nicknames (Princess). Slight hurt/comfort. Wedding anniversary celebration. Cuddling. Kissing and making out. An almost criminal amount of fluff.

WARNINGS || Angst. Dentophobia/fear of the dentist. Anxiety. References to anesthesia. Referenced wisdom teeth removal. Lots of praise and reassurance.

A/N || This one-shot is requested by a very sweet Anon! I wish you the best of luck during the procedure of having your wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, and I hope this fic brought you all the comfort you could possibly need! This story is proofread by the amazing @ccbsrmsf1. Thank you so much! 💙

A/N 2.0 || As of 14 April 2024, my requests are closed. I will work through the backlog of requests for the foreseeable future - once they are opened again, I will make an official announcement on my blog! 💙

EVENTS Masterlist || @anyfandomfluffbingo || Toothache Masterlist || @fandom-free-bingo Book Night || Covered with [kisses] Masterlist || @fandom-free-bingo Book Night || Cold hands + 'I'll do anything to keep you right here with me.' + 'Here's the day you hoped would never come.' Masterlist || @fandom-free-bingo Wild || ''Trust me." Masterlist || @multifandom-flash Compliments || It has been an honor Masterlist || @ultimatechrisbingo || Walk on the beach

GIF: Source || All graphics are made by @nicoline1998enilocin

Main Masterlist || Chris Evans Masterlist

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon as you walk on the beach with your husband, Chris, and your dog, Dodger. The sun is shining bright on you both, and he's wearing shorts and a shirt while you're dressed in a stunning sundress that flows around you beautifully with the wind coming from the ocean.

Dodger constantly runs back and forth with his tennis ball as you and Chris alternate between throwing. Your hands are interlaced, and now and again, he squeezes softly while looking over at you fondly. It's the weekend of your tenth wedding anniversary, and he surprised you with a trip to the beach with all three of you.

"What's on your mind, Princess?" Chris says after you've been awfully quiet for a while. He stops you in the middle of your tracks as he turns your bodies towards each other, and you're practically standing chest to chest.

"Nothing," you sigh as you cast your eyes down, pulling Chris into a much-needed hug. He nuzzles his face into your neck while his arms wrap tightly around you, his hands rubbing your back soothingly. You have to have your wisdom teeth removed in a few days, and he knows how afraid you are, but he will be there every step of the way.

"You're going to be okay, Princess. Trust me," Chris whispers, and you nod before letting a couple of tears glide down your cheeks, absorbed by the fabric of his T-shirt. The two of you stay there for a few minutes until Dodger interrupts the moment by jumping against you both, and you can't help but laugh through the tears.

"Okay, okay! I'll throw your ball, Buddy. No worries," you say between a few sniffles, wiping your tears away. Before you can bend down, Chris cups your cheeks to wipe the last tears away, and he captures your lips with a featherlight kiss that immediately leaves you wanting more. You bite your lip as he pulls away with a smile.

"I love you, and I promise you'll do amazing. I will be there every step of the way," he tells you, and you nod.

"Thank you, Chris," you whisper with a smile, and you finally bend down to throw the ball for Dodger, who runs after it like a dog with the energy of about five puppies combined. Chris pulls you into his side as you continue your walk, and after about an hour, you finally arrive back at the apartment you two have rented for the weekend.

Dodger is completely tuckered out as he's lying in the last bit of sun for the day, and you're in the kitchen cutting up some fruit while Chris is running both of you a relaxing bath. Seeing how it's the last evening of your anniversary vacation, he's planning on going all out to make it truly unforgettable.

"Are you ready for a relaxing bath, Mrs. Evans?" Chris asks as he stands behind you, his hands on your hips, lightly swaying you both from left to right to the soft music he turned on.

"I am, and how about you, Mr. Evans?" you ask as you turn in his hold, your arms wrapping around his neck to pull him close. When your chests touch, you feel your heart beating faster, and he bends down to put his forehead against yours.

"More than you know," he whispers against your lips as he leans in to kiss them softly, and you both slowly deepen the kiss. Your hands glide through his hair as soft moans escape from your lips, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of your sides. He pulls away all too soon for your liking, but he looks at you with a love-filled look that has your insides on fire at the sight.

"Come on, let's enjoy that bath together," he says before stealing one last kiss and grabbing your hand to lead you to the large bathroom. There, he put a few candles to add to the atmosphere, two glasses and a bottle of wine, lots of rose petals, and a rose-scented bath bomb in the bath. The music in the background finishes it off, and he closes the door behind you both to give you all the privacy you two could need.

Chris slips the straps of your dress down your shoulders, leaving you in nothing but a pair of panties in front of him, and his mouth curls into an appreciative smile.

"So beautiful," he says while his hands glide over your body, and your neck and shoulders are covered with kisses. Once you're completely bare for him, he turns you around so you have the opportunity to undress him, too - which you gladly do. From revealing his broad shoulders and small, muscular waist to revealing his bare, strong thighs, you take your time to unwrap him like a present on Christmas morning.

Chris first steps into the bath when he's completely bare, guiding you into the warm water to ensure you won't slip and fall. As soon as you're seated on his lap, Chris pours you a glass of your favorite wine before handing it to you. During your entire time in the tub, you two share many loving moments, funny jokes, and sweet touches and feed each other pieces of the fruit you've cut.

The entire time, the butterflies in your stomach go wild, and this is one of the best surprises Chris has ever prepared. He's never shy about wanting to surprise you, and something he goes all out, but moments like these will forever be your favorite.

"Thank you for everything this weekend. I will never forget it," you tell your husband as his hands softly massage your stomach underwater.

"You don't need to thank me, Princess; I'd happily give you the moon if I could, so this is the least I could do for my girl during our special weekend," he tells you, and you smile at his words. A warm feeling spreads through your body as he calls you his girl - even after being married for a decade.

"I love you, Chris," you tell him before cupping his cheeks and kissing his soft, pink lips softly, his facial hair tickling your hands a little bit.

"I love you too, Princess," he whispers against your lips, gradually deepening the kiss again, which you can never get enough of. Your husband's hands roaming over your body while you two get lost in a kiss is one of the best feelings in the world, and it's one you will look forward to every single day.

The day you have been dreading has finally arrived, as your alarm goes off too early for your liking. With a groan, you turn around and into Chris' waiting arms as he pulls you close against his hairy, bare chest.

"Mornin', Princess," he grumbles in his deep morning voice. If it were every other morning, you would have been more than happy to say good morning to him, but today's not an ordinary day because here's the day you hoped would never come.

"Do we really have to get up? I'll do anything to keep you right here with me," you try to convince your husband after your cuddle session is over, and much to your surprise, he gives in to your pleadings.

"Well, I suppose we do have about an hour before we have to be ready, so maybe I can calm your nerves a bit," Chris offers as he positions you on your back before caging you in by draping his body over you.

"Hmm, what did you have in mind?" you ask playfully, and the nerves are already calming slightly.

"I think you know exactly what I have in mind,” he says with a roll of his hips against yours, his erection teasing you between your spread legs. You bite your bottom lip to stop a moan from escaping at the friction, and Chris is nothing if not a man of his word as he spends the next 30 minutes pulling you apart until all you can think about is him.

"How're you feeling now, Princess? Are you still nervous?" Chris asks, and you giggle in response, unable to form a coherent sentence. He peppers your face with kisses before cleaning you both up and getting ready to head to the hospital.

Chris will be there every step of the way during your stay at the hospital, but despite that, the anxiety has definitely found its home in your body. You constantly bounce with your leg, you're having difficulty focusing on anything, and you're genuinely getting scared as soon as he pulls into the large parking structure that's attached to the hospital.

"Can you look at me for a moment, Princess?" Chris asks as he grabs hold of your hand. Your brows are furrowed as you look at him, and you're squeezing his hand as you do, but he doesn't mind.

"I know you're scared and anxious right now, but I promise to be there for you every step of the way, okay? From the moment you go into the treatment room, and they administer the anesthesia until you wake up after, I will be there, okay? I promise you that I am not going anywhere," he says, his large hands enveloping the hand closest to him.

"Do you trust me?" he asks, and you nod.

"Y-yeah, I trust you, Chris," you say with a small smile, though it doesn't reach your eyes.

"Okay, let's go inside then because they cannot come out here to do it," he jokes, and you smile at it despite not being in the mood for his silliness.

Not even 15 minutes later, you're being called in for your procedure, and Chris has called ahead of time to explain the entire situation. He's allowed to stay until you're completely under anesthesia, but after that, he has to leave the room until you're in the recovery room.

Your heart is beating out of your chest, and you're on the verge of tears as you squeeze Chris' hand tightly. He feels a bit of a knot in his stomach as he sees you like this. Despite that, he has to be strong for you. He can worry about himself later. Right now, you need him most.

"How are you feeling today, Mrs. Evans?" the dentist asks, but you don't answer. Instead, you look at your shoes while you fight against the tears threatening to spill over.

"It's okay, Princess. I'm here, okay? I promise you I won't go anywhere. I know you're scared and anxious, but he will make your toothache disappear, just like we talked about," Chris says, and you look over at him.

A certain warmth in his voice brings you a bit of calm, and you nod.

"Okay," you whisper, and even though your heart still feels like it's going to beat out of your chest, you eventually lie down so everyone can start prepping you for the removal of your wisdom teeth. During all this, Chris is standing in your line of sight while he holds your hand, so you know he's not going anywhere.

"Alright, you can say your goodbyes now; once the anesthesia starts, it will only be a matter of second before you're in a deep sleep," the anesthesiologist tells both you and Chris.

"I love you so much, Princess, and I am so incredibly proud of you for doing this. You're such a brave girl for me right now," Chris whispers between soft kisses on your forehead.

"I'll be right here with you when you wake up, okay? It will be over before you know it, and then we can go home to see Dodger again," he says, and you smile at the mention of your dog.

"I love you, Chris," you say before a few last pecks on your lips, and then it's officially time for you to go to sleep. As promised, Chris is petting your cheek softly while you go to sleep, and shortly after, he's ushered out of the room so they can get started.

The procedure goes smoothly, and less than an hour later, you're sleeping off your anesthesia in the recovery room. Chris is seated in a chair on the side of your bed, his hand holding yours as he rubs soothing circles with his thumb. When a soft groan leaves your mouth, he's up and standing next to your bed.

"Welcome back, Princess," he says as he smiles at you. Your eyes slowly open as you're greeted by the sound of your husband's voice.

"Thank you," you groan, seeing you're still groggy from the anesthesia. Your cheeks are definitely swollen, but you have gotten some medication for the pain, and Chris has also gotten a prescription for more that you two can pick up as you head out of the hospital later.

"You have cold hands," you suddenly say, and Chris can't help but laugh at your comment, combined with the way you're clinging onto his hand for dear life, trying to warm it back up.

"I'm sorry. I've been sitting by your side for so long that my hands must've gotten cold," Chris explains, but all you can see is his face.

"Beautiful," you whisper to your husband, who smiles at you.

"You're also beautiful, Princess," he says with a reassuring smile, making your heartbeat skip.

"I like it when you call me that; do it again!" you tell him.

"Yeah? Do you like it when I call you Princess? That's good because I can assure you that you're by far the most beautiful Princess in the entire world. You even looked like one during our wedding day," Chris tells you.

"We're married? Ooooh, I'm a lucky lady," you sigh as you look at him with fond eyes. Chris knows it's a side effect of all the medication you have gotten combined with the anesthesia, but that doesn't make it any less funny when you act like this.

"We are. You have been the beautiful Mrs. Evans for the past ten years already," he tells you, and your eyes twinkle at the thought of being married to the handsome man beside your bed.

Shortly after, the nurse comes to check on you, and not long after, you're allowed to go home, where you can fully recover from your procedure.

"I'm going to cuddle with Dodger when we're home," you tell Chris as he carefully wheels you to the car in one of the hospital-issued wheelchairs.

"I think he would love that, Princess. He always loves you a lot," Chris says, and you nod. Once you're seated in the car and strapped in, your husband returns the wheelchair before joining you in the car.

"Thank you for being my chaperone today," you say as you look at Chris, and a warm smile lights up his face.

"It has been an honor to be there for you today. I know you needed me, and just like I vowed to you a decade ago, I will be there for you through sickness and health. I will always be here for you, Princess, every step of the way," he says before lifting your hand and bringing it to his lips.

He kisses it softly before driving home, and when you're there, Chris prepares the couch for you to lie on. It doesn't take long before Dodger joins you, and you're getting the cuddles from him you've been craving so much. Today has been stressful, but with Chris by your side, nothing bad could ever happen to you.

After all, he's right there with you every step of the way.

[running-in-the-dark]

so, at my appointment today my new dentist informed me that my psychiatrist told her I shouldn't get laughing gas because I could react badly to it. because of my 'neurological condition/disorder'

bitch I have anxiety. what???

and.... I would 100% be willing to risk a bad reaction! no one fucking asked me! I'm SO afraid of going to the dentist now, I don't fucking care if I dont react well to that, I just wanted to TRY at least once!

I fucking switched dentists in part because I wanted to finally try that. and now I can't because that dude said so. like, cool, give me something else for the panic I get at these appointments??? but no it's just like 'yeah no you get nothing bye'

I'm so angry 😭

had a pretty shit day today - I was already in pain, and then I somehow hurt my back (literally just stood there and moved my arm to pick something up and suddenly had this awful pain in my back). so I've just been lying on the couch all day. it's better now but still pretty painful.

I wanted to paint today but obviously that didn't happen. and yesterday I was so tired that I just fell asleep so I didn't paint then either. tomorrow I've got a dental appointment and that always leaves me very fatigued, soo I'm guessing I won't do anything tomorrow either.

then my niece is sleeping here, then my brother is coming over to help me go through all the stuff for my thesis, then it's my sister-in-law's birthday (which I'm also making a cake for).

I'm so tired.

[sockiestupidity]

The Dentist-Joel Miller x Platonic reader

Relashionship(s):Dentist Joel x reader (platonic)

Reader is implied to be autistic but i feel like its rlly obvi.

Warnings: Dental trauma, y/n used like once, Joel praises a lot (BUT NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY U FREAKS), use of sweetheart, bad writing

THIS IS TOTALLY NOT PROJECTING NOOOO

You knew this day would come, it was inevitable and yet, it still took you by surprise when it actually came. Your dentist appointment. Just the thought of stepping foot in a dentist office filled you with immense dread.

You tried to ignore your underlying anxiety as you got yourself into a comfortable outfit. You grab your comfort item and place it in your pocket, feeling grounded by the weight in your pocket.

Before you leave you decide to quickly brush your teeth and rinse with mouthwash, quickly flossing despite the fact that you had done so a couple earlier. A little extra maintenance could never hurt right? And maybe if you did well enough, your usual one hour teeth cleaning could hopefully turn into a 40 minute appointment. (which is so like unrealistic btw💀)

You grab your keys and start to lock your apartment once you headed out. Struggling to do so due to the anxious tremoring of your hands. You eventually succeed in locking your apartment successfully and leave the building.

As you walk towards the dentist office, which was fairly close to your apartment, you take deep, calming breaths, attempting to ease your anxiety. You never had any success at the dentist. You found the sound of drilling to be extremely overstimulating, and always cringed at the sound and feeling, of your teeth being scraped at. As you got older and your parents started lacking involvement in your life, you gained more leniency in the dental department, only scheduling for the dentist when you absolutely had to.

As a kid and even as an adult, you found difficulty with brushing your teeth most days. When at the dentist, you would be met with judgemental remarks about how "hating the flavor of your toothpaste", "having difficulty flossing", ''lacking motivation", and "forgetting" were not valid excuses and you had to brush no matter what. You were also laughed at by one of your past dentists for crying when she had started scraping at your teeth in a way that caused you pain.

Too lost in your thoughts, you barely even notice the fact that you had already entered the office. You take a deep breath and approach the receptionist.

"Hi Im checking in?" You manage to awkwardly squeak out. The receptionist nods and asks for your name. You give them your name and get checked in.

Once that is taken care of, you take a seat, bouncing your leg nervously as you wait for your name to be called.

"Y/N?" a man calls out. You get up and approach him.

He smiles softly "Hi, I'm Joel, I'll be doing your cleaning today."

You slowly nod, not fully acknowledging him, despite his comforting aura. Ever since your previous dentist had moved away, you had be anxious to return since you had little luck with finding gentle and understanding dentists such as her.

Deapite your underlying hostility, he attempted to chat with you as he lead you towards his room. Once you arrive you take a seat on the dental chair.

"Alright, since you're a new patient of mine, I need to ask you a couple of questions, okay?" He asks with a comforting tone.

You nod. "That's it." He praises "This shouldn't take too long." He pauses "Okay, first question. You ready?" You nod. He smiles again "Good. First question is pretty simple. How often do you brush?"

You hesitate, debating whether or not you could tell him the truth. You eye him up and down. You decide that based kff of his demeanor, you could probably trust him.

"As often as I can." you answer meekly. He nods and types your answer down in his computer.

"Thats alright. It's better to brush at least once in a while than not at all. Do you mind sharing why?"

You shrug "It's hard, toothpaste is gross n the brush always hurts."

He looks at you with understanding "Understable , I'll write down a couple of flavoured toothpaste recommendations for you so you can try them if you'd like. As for your brush, try using one with soft bristles. I know there's a lot of debate between hard bristles and soft bristles and which one is better currently, but I think softer bristles could really help you out. Don't tell anyone I said this but you could also give miswak toothbrushes a try. But again, don't tell anyone that I said that, it'll be a secret between the two of us."

You giggle slightly at that, causing his smile to widen. "Moving on from that, what about floss? How are your flossing habits?

You shake your head "Bad. Really bad. I can never floss right and I struggle a lot with it."

He nods "I'll give you some handheld floss to try, some people find more success with it."

You let out a relieved sigh, watching as he types up a couple of things again. "Any pain or discomfort?" you shake your head "That's good. I see here that your last dentist made a note saying that you struggle with remembering to brush your teeth or finding the motivation to do so?" you nod "May I suggest something for that?" you nod, curious as to what he has to say. "Theres a couple apps that I could right down for you that can remind you to brush your teeth, and give you rewards such as points to do so. Is that something you'd be interested in?" you nod "Good. we're all done eith questioning. mind laying back for me?.''

You hesitate, "Um before I do can I ask something?"

"Yeah sure, go ahead." He permits you.

"Can I- can I please wear my headphones?" you hold up your noise cancelling bluetooth headphones.

"Oh of course! Do whatever you need to do to be comfortable!" you smile slightly at that. You connect your headphones to your phone to play your favorite music (or show) in the background and lay back.

He lowers your chair and turns the light in front of your face on (idk what its called tbh.) you squint at the bright light ''Sorry about that. Would you like to borrow some sunglasses?" You nod.

He hands you a cheap pair of sunglasses and you put them on, dimming the bright light. He fastens the disposable bib around you (idk if there's an official name for it but thats the only way i can describe it💀).

He gets his tools out, causing you to tense up. "Hey, it's okay, take a deep breath yeah? I'm going to tell you exactly what I'm doing with each tool okay? We'll get through this together. I'm going to check up on you every once in a while, let me know if you need me to stop so you can take a break at any point."

You feel more reassured and comforted by this. Your body eases up and relaxes a bit. "That's it, good." He praises.

He puts on gloves and picks up two tools "So this to will be used to count your teeth and scrape at any plaque. This other tool is a mirror that will allow me to take a look at the back of your teeth as well." He informs you.

"You ready?" He asks gently. You nod "Good, open up yeah? If you can't open wide that's okay, I'll figure something out.

You manage to get through the whole cleaning, only tearing up slightly once. The whole time Joel makes sure to reassure you and provide praise throughout the whole process, stopping when you need a break, and making sure to inform you of every single action he makes.

Once you're done he gives you a cup to rinse and gets together a goody bag for you, placing his list of suggestions in there. "You did good today. I'd like to see you in six months but if it happens to be later than that I'm perfectly fine with it." He smiles and hands you the bag.

"Thank you Joel." You shyly thank him.

He smiles and nods "Anytime sweetheart."

You smile and exit the room, feeling the weight of dread lifting off your chest. You pay your copay at the front, deciding to schedule your next appointment later.

Once you arrive at your apartment you settle down and curiously look in your bag. Inside is a soft toothbrush, some handheld floss, his list, and a separate note. You decide to read the note out of curiosity. "I'm proud of you, looking forward to seeing if my tips helped you out. -Joel." You smile at the note at hold it close to you, dozing off with the note against your chest.

A/N: IDK WHAT THIS IS BUT ITS DEFINITELY SOMETHING IM SRRY IF ITS RLLY BAD I JUST WANTED TO WRITE AGAIN

ALSO I GOT RLLY LAZY AT THE END IF U CANT TELL ALSO ITS LOWK SHORT IM SRRY PPL

real talk some of this is based off of shit that actually happened to me like its kinda crazy.

once i told my dentist that i had a rlly hard tome finding the motivation to brush my teeth and she legit said "find the motivation"😐 also recently they changed ny dentist w/o telling me bc mine doesnt work weekends anymore and i started crying bc i wasnt told and the lady was like hurting me a lot and she laughed at me😝

anyways dental trauma is a very real thing esp for mentally ill/neurodivergent folks/autistic folks like i wish it was taken more seriously bc it leads to a lot of ppl neglecting their dental health

[alaydabug2]

Tag list: @sparklenarniawizard @imobsessed123 @nowjumpinthewater @ilikebookssomuch @insert-clever-username-1133

Broken heart/Broken mind

Chapter Seventy-six

(Human AU)

Sophie and Keefe met in the children's hospital when they were little. Because of how long they were confined to the four walls of the hospital, they became very close during their stay.

As the years pass, they wind up being in the same classroom together due to their physical conditions. This makes their bond deepen.

But are they able to handle when life gets tough, throwing problems and complications their way?

Sophie tapped her feet on the waiting room floor. The past few weeks, she was getting shooting pains in her jaw. One trip to the dentist, and it was determined that her wisdom teeth were impacted.

Grady and Edaline were getting her paperwork filled out. Sophie was shaking her leg with anxiety. She had never actually been under anesthesia before. The idea scared her.

Her name was called into the back. Her parents followed her and the doctor to the room.

She sat down in the chair, reaching for Edaline's hand. The chair was leaned back to a lying position.

"Alright, Miss Foster," the doctor said. "Going to give you the laughing gas, now. It's going to make you sleepy, but once you're awake, it'll all be over with."

Sophie nodded. She squeezed her mom's hand as the mask was placed over her face. After a couple of breaths, she started feeling funny.

Her head was fuzzy, and it she felt her heart picking up its pace. It felt familiar. And she didn't like it one bit. Her vision was going out on her now.

She whimpered at the feeling. Grady gently brushed her hair back from her face.

She didn't like how any of it felt. Her eyes were growing heavy. It felt like her throat was closing off on her. It hit her

Seizure.

Sophie ripped the mask off her face, startling the doctor and her parents. She gasped in gulps of fresh air, savoring every one.

"Seizure," she muttered to them. "I was having a seizure."

"Oh, dear, that was the laughing gas," the doctor informed her.

"I don't want it," she murmured.

Her head was hurting now. The kind of hurt that came after a seizure. The feeling of it was way too similar for her to be comfortable with it.

"You don't want it?"

Sophie shook her head. "Uh-uh. I don't like it. Is there I different thing I can have? Or am I able to stay awake?"

The doctor scratched his head. "Well, I wouldn't advise being awake for it. But you can have the IV medications. That should help with the lightheaded feelings."

Sophie hated needles. But she hated the feeling of a prolonged seizure even more, so she resigned to the remaining option.

Once the needle was placed in her hand, the medicine was pushed in through the IV. It hit her system so fast that she didn't have time to prepare for it.

To her relief, it wasn't the same sensation as the gas. Her body felt strangely sluggish. Her eyelids were heavy. She could vaguely feel a slight hum in the back of her mind, closing out her thoughts.

Edaline kissed her forehead and brushed her hair back. She was out like a light.

When Sophie awoke, bright lights were all around her. It took a moment for her to come back into focus.

She could feel the numbness in her face. She could see the fact she was in a car. That her head was resting on Edaline's shoulder. But any other thoughts that weren't obvious statements were all jumbled up and thrown out the window.

Edaline noticed that Sophie was awake. She glanced down in her direction with a soft smile.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

How was she feeling? Any coherent thoughts seemed to flee her mind. After a moment of thinking, she finally came to a conclusion. Sleepy.

She mumbled her response the best she could through the swelling, gauze, and numbness.

It caused a mixture of drool and blood to drip down her chin. Edaline took a damp rag and wiped it off her face.

"Alright, we're almost home, and then you can lay down. Think you can hold out until then?"

She nodded.

When they arrived at the house, she was helped inside and on the couch. The haze of the drugs still in her system lulled her back asleep.

Stirring awake, somebody was lying with her. She glanced over her shoulder to see Keefe on top of her. When did he get there?

She made a small noise to get his attention. He lifted his head and smiled at her. He sat up, massaging her scalp. She decided to save her questions for later because the head scratchies put her back to sleep.

[random4townheadcanons]

T and Z headcanons part 2!!

- they have seen each other at their absolute worst.

- Examples of this include:

- (From a previous post) the time when T slipped and fell in the shower and couldn’t get up, so Z had to go in and help him up.

- Here is how it went down:

- There was a loud thud and an “OWWW!” That came from the bathroom and Z immediately got up and ran to the door and yelled “T?! Are you ok?!” Which was followed by no response, so he said “ok, I’m coming in now.” T panicked and yelled “NO NO NO! I’M FINE, DON’T COME IN!” As Z heard him try to get up, he slipped and fell again.

- So Z said “T, I’m coming in. It’s ok, don’t worry.” And T groaned loudly.

- So Z opened the door, gave T a towel and practically had to carry him out of the shower, then drove him to the hospital after helping him get dressed.

- T tried to make a joke out of it in attempts to get out of going to the hospital but Z was too worried to let it slide, even though it only resulted in some painful bruises and difficulty moving for a few hours.

- T gave Z a ton of hugs and thanks and was extremely grateful. He wouldn’t shut up about it.

- Another example includes: when Z had an extreme panic attack in the middle of the night, and this is how it went down:

- T woke up to see Z distressed, in tears and struggling to breathe

- He asked Z what was wrong, and when Z tried to respond his words came out scrambled and he couldn’t form coherent sentences.

- This caused T to go into panic mode because he couldn’t tell if Z was having a stroke or some other serious health emergency, so naturally he also barely started to cry before trying to suppress it to not make Z panic more.

- So he helped Z get to the car as quickly as possible and drove at illegal speeds to the hospital.

- When they got there, T made them run a bunch of tests to make sure it was just a panic attack.

- They stayed for a little while and T talked to Z until he calmed down, then T drove him home.

- T made Z sleep over in his room because he didn’t want to leave him alone, not that Z would have chosen to sleep in his own room, because he’s like a little kid who never sleeps in their own bed anyway.

- Like when Z manages to sleep in his own bed for more than one night it’s a flex.

- These types of scenarios have basically cemented the fact that they’re (platonic) soulmates for life, because they’ve practically been through it all together.

- (Wow that was like a whole ass chapter book sorry lol).

- Sometimes when they’re walking somewhere in a group with the other members, T sits on Z’s shoulders like a little kid.

- They accompany each other at their doctors/dentist appointments for moral support because they’re still too scared to go alone.

- Same with when they have to use a public restroom (like what middle school girls do lol).

- T doesn’t wear his cap and Z doesn’t wear his headband nearly as often as people think.

- When one of them is sad or upset, the other one is too.

- They’ve never once fought before.

- (This includes all of the other members), but they always say “I love you” before they go to bed.

- They practically have no privacy or boundaries because they‘re so close that they do not care. Z could be in the shower (with a curtain, obviously) while T sits on the bathroom floor, playing his Nintendo switch (modern universe) and they just hang out and talk the whole time and that’s just the norm for them.

- They go to see the worst movies that no one else is seeing in theaters and laugh at them the entire time.

- If one of them has to go to the store to get something, the other one will always go too. Even if it’s for the smallest thing that only takes 5 minutes to get.

- They’re constantly sharing clothes; t shirts, hoodies, jeans, shorts, etc. if one of them is missing something from their closet, it’s in the other’s room.

- As someone with anxiety, Z shockingly doesn’t get stressed when he’s riding in the passenger’s seat of T’s car. He actually finds it relaxing to hang out and talk while they go for drives.

- They don’t have any secrets or anything that they don’t tell each other.

- Obviously Z cries the most out of all of them, and T is always a source of comfort to him, but also whenever T cries, Z is like a big warm pillow for T to hug and sob into.

- They’re avid Gravity Falls watchers (modern universe).

- Same with Coraline.

- And Lilo and Stitch.

- (As discussed in a previous post), whenever they go to the grocery store, T gets in the shopping cart and Z (while running) pushes him around the store.

- They are those best friends who occasionally kiss in photos (mostly Polaroids) every once in a blue moon because they just think it’s goofy and don’t get why people think it’s weird.

- They get really invested in each other’s hobbies.

- Like T really likes painting miniature figurines at the table with Z, and Z loves playing whatever video game T is currently hyperfixated on with him.

I could keep going but I think I’m gonna have to end the post here because there’s so many. I’ll make a part 3 soon 🤪

Anyway, I hope you liked them and keep sending requests!!

[acepandemi]

Tw: phobias, dentist

I'm currently considering the sheer annoyance that comes with developing a phobia later in life.

Like, I was able to do this Thing for years without issue, and now I suddenly can't anymore? What kind of nonsense is this?

It's the dentist, in my case. For 30 years I had no issue whatsoever going to the dentist, not even a hint of nervousness or apprehension. Which was a good thing, as I have problem teeth (prone to cavities and refusing to grow straight) and needed a LOT of dental work over the years. I've had more cavities filled than I can count, had three different kinds of braces in my early teens (including the external kind, fun times), still have retainers (which have broken twice so far), had a root canal treatment once and even had two of my wisdom teeth removed (I only have/had three and the third refuses to descend, but that also means it doesn't cause issues... yet). No problem at all. Easy peasy lemon sqeezy.

And now I can't even look up some info on my dentist's web page without having the worst panic attack in years? What the flippin' flip?

I've had arachnophobia (fear of spiders) all my life, never really put any thought into it, it was just a part of me. But this, this is something different. It's just happening and getting worse, and yeah there's anxiety and tears and stress.

But it's also just so, so annoying!!! It's just the dentist! The dentist is nice, the dentist is there to help you, going to the dentist has never been a problem ever, and now suddenly it is? This is just stupid!

And the worst part is, it's not even anyones fault. Nobody did anything wrong, The Incident was just sheer dumb luck, but it somehow ruined everything.

(I needed yet another cavity filled about two years ago, and for some reason the anesthetic stopped working mid-procedure. They gave me two more doses, which didn't make any difference, and couldn't give me anymore because, you know, health concerns. But they had to finish the filling, they couldn't send me home with a gaping hole in my tooth. Everyone was so nice and apologetic, but that didn't help because it hurt. So. Bad. I was literally screaming in the chair [think I traumatized a few people in the waiting room that day]. Filling did get finished and I was sent home with so many apologies, and I really don't hold it against the dentist or anyone else, or even dentists in general. But, as is usually the case with me, there was a delayed reaction.)

And now I apparently have a phobia of the dentist. I get tense before my appointments, I've had meltdowns in The Chair because everything about the dentist is now triggering, I've even nearly hit the poor dentist, who is a very nice woman and didn't deserve that. because she startled me with a piece of equipment I was unfamiliar with (she didn't know that, fight or flight response kicked in). Last time the dental hygienist couldn't finish cleaning my teeth because I couldn't take it anymore and had a panic attack. And I've already re-scheduled my latest periodical check-up twice because the thought of going gives me such bad anxiety.

I never used to be like this, and I can't stand it! I wonder if this is how Mum felt after she developed claustrophobia?

(Yes, I know I need to deal with this. I've discussed it with my counselor and we're looking into options. There's apparently a specialized dentist/therapist sort of person at the local hospital that she accompanies another client to that might be able to help. I've already switched dentists when I moved back to my hometown, so that's not the solution.)

I just needed to vent about my annoyance with the situation. I never realized that particular emotion could be involved with developing a phobia.

[soursturniolo]

scare, alternate ending • matt sturniolo

pairing: matt sturniolo/fem!reader

summary: matt and you handle a pregnancy scare. alternate ending to the original scare

tags: angst and then fluff, with some humor sprinkled in. happy ending.

tw: light discussion of periods and pregnancy

It feels like my heart stops as I look at the calendar on my phone.

9 days late. And I’m never late.

I noticed this morning that my box of tampons still sat in the cabinet, unopened, in Matt and I’s shared bathroom. I hadn’t thought anything of it, until I opened my calendar to see when my next dentist appointment is.

I swallow dryly as I lock my phone and slip it back into my pocket, dropping down to sit on Matt and I’s bed. All I can think about is that damn calendar. 9 days late. 9 whole days. One or two days is normal I guess, but nine entire days?

I can feel my thoughts spiraling already. Matt and I are safe. I’m on a good birth control and we use condoms often. But even those aren’t foolproof. I do remember forgetting my pill twice this month.

Oh god. What if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready for a kid right now.

Oh god, and Matt. Matt isn’t ready either. With his career and plans with his brothers there’s no way this could even work right now. It would ruin everything. I feel tears of worry and anxiety fill my eyes and begin to drop down my cheeks.

My thoughts just continue to spiral and spiral, until I feel the bed dip next to me. I turn to see Nick, who had stayed behind with me while Matt and Chris went out to pick up some groceries.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” He asks concerned, his arm wrapping around my shoulder, pulling me into a side hug as we sat together.

I open my mouth to speak as my eyes meet his, but all that comes out is a sob. My hand moves to cover my mouth as more sobs follow. Nicks face creases in worry as his other arm wraps around me, pulling me into a hug as he rubs my back soothingly.

“Deep breaths, babe. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay,” he tells me, making me jerk back as I shake my head.

“No it won’t! He’s going to hate me!” I cry.

“If you’re talking about Matt, that kid could never hate you,” Nick tells me, voice calm and reassuring.

“I don’t know, Nick,” I laugh without humor, “this might.”

“Did you cheat?” Nick asks face calm, but apprehensive.

“No! God no,” I immediately answer.

Nick gives a small smile at the quick response.

“Okay, highly doubted it when I asked anyway,” he laughs, “but I don’t know what else could have you so upset thinking he’s going to hate you. You can talk to me, I want to help. What’s wrong?” He asks again.

I sigh. Nicks my best friend. He’s how I met Matt in the first place. I really wanted to just talk to Matt about this first, but with LA traffic and all Matt probably won’t be back for another hour. I don’t think I can survive another hour keeping this all bottled up.

“Nick, it’s bad,” I begin, voice shaken.

“I don’t care how bad, I’m here,” he immediately responds.

I take a deep breath.

“I’m late.” I state.

If this wasn’t so serious, Nicks reaction would have been funny. He stares at me blankly for a moment, before his head cocks to the side a bit in confusion.

“Like, to an appointment?” He asks, lost.

“No, Nick,” I sigh, shaking my head, “my period is late” the last part comes out like a whisper.

Once Nick connects the dots his jaw drops open a bit in surprise, confirming my feelings.

“See! It’s so bad, Nick, this is so bad!” I yell, jumping up from the bed and beginning to nervously pace in front of where Nick sits, still shocked.

“N-no, it’s not bad!” He stutters as he watches me with wide eyes.

I stop pacing and just look at him.

“Really? Not bad? Your jaw dropped open like that because you were trying to catch a fly, then?” I ask sarcastically.

“Listen, I just got confronted with the fact that my best friend and brother fuck, I needed a second,” he defends, hands up.

“Nick, we’ve been dating a year. We dont go to bed and play clash of clans together,” I tell him, making him roll is eyes.

“I know! I know but I also don’t think about it and now we kinda have to think about it and I don’t like it!” Nick exclaims.

“Don’t think about it!” I yell back.

We pause for a minute, staring at each other before we both crack smiles at how ridiculous this has become. We laugh and I return to sitting next to him. Nick wraps his arm around my shoulder again and rests his head against mine.

“So, how late are we talking?” He asks, getting back to the important point.

“9 days,” I whisper.

“Okay. Not horrible. Could be later,” he says, nodding. I nod too. A moment of silence passes as I nervously pick at my nails and Nick stares at the wall, thinking.

“Well, I think we know what we gotta do.” He says, softly.

I turn to him, knowing too.

“Let me call Matt, he should still be at the store with Chris. They can pick up a test,” Nick says. I take another shaky breath before nodding in agreement. I get my phone out and go to Matt’s contact, dialing his number before handing my phone to Nick.

“Hey baby,” Matt’s voice comes through the speaker softly.

“Hey, it’s Nick,” Nick says, earning a confused noise from Matt.

“Nick? Why do you have her phone? Is she okay?” He asks quickly, his concern making me smile softly despite the stressful situation.

“Um,” Nick pauses, which only worries Matt further.

“‘Um’, isn’t a good answer when a guy asks about his girlfriend, Nick,” Matt responds quickly.

“Sorry, she’s okay, but we need you to pick up something else for her while you’re at the store,” Nick says.

“Okay, what?” Matt asks.

Nick looks at me, encouraging me to speak. I take a breath before taking the phone out of Nicks hands, taking it off speaker and holding it to my ear.

“I need a pregnancy test,” I tell him softly.

I cringe as there’s a moment of silence on the other end of the line.

“Okay, I can grab that. Do you need anything else, sweetheart?” He asks softly. I smile again despite the tears I can feel coming again.

“No, that’s it,” I whisper.

“Okay, we’ll be back soon, I love you,” he tells me.

“Love you too” I say back before hanging up.

Nick and I move downstairs, where he puts on a movie for us to distract us while we wait. I let myself be pulled into its predictable plot line as we wait for Matt and Chris to come home.

We both are startled out of our focus on the movie when we hear the front door unlock, followed by it opening to reveal Matt coming in with a mostly empty plastic bag in his hand, while Chris came in carrying the other groceries. Nick moves to help Chris and grabs some of the heavier bags from him, both of them walking to the kitchen while Matt walks over to me.

I stand as he meets me by the couch. He looks surprisingly calm, while meanwhile I feel like my insides are shaking with the anxiety I’m feeling right now. He gives me a small smile before wrapping me in his arms. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I relax into his arms, resting my head against his chest. He gives me a gentle squeeze as I feel him press a kiss to my head.

“Let’s head to our room, baby,” he whispers, pulling back from the hug and grabbing my hand to lead me that way. Once in his room, he hands me the bag with the pregnancy test in it before sitting on his bed. Before walking to our bathroom, I pause.

“Matt, I need to know what this will mean,” I tell him.

He gives a small smile and holds his hand out to me. I walk over and grab it. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, before bringing it up to lips to give it a kiss.

“We’ll do it together. Whatever it is. Sure, I thought kids would be later. But, if now is the time, now is the time. I think I’d be more freaked if this was with some random girl. But with you? I know whatever happens, we will be just fine,” he tells me, before giving the back of my hand another kiss.

“You promise?” I ask.

“I swear,” he tells me.

I smile and nod, before heading to the bathroom. The test is quick and easy, and I’m soon done. I leave the test on the bathroom counter, set my timer for fifteen minutes, and come back out to sit next to Matt on our bed. I rest my head on his shoulder as Matt wraps his arm around me. We just quietly sit, both of us lost in our thoughts as we wait, only to be shaken out of our trances by my phone loudly going off.

I sigh as I stand and walk back to the bathroom to grab the test. I pick it up, careful to not flip it over to show the result, and walk back out to Matt. I stop in front of him. He gives me another reassuring smile as his hands come up to rest on my hips.

“Ready?” I ask, voice cracking.

“Yeah, baby,” he says.

I take a deep breath, knowing this small test in my hand could change everything for the both of us. But I look at Matt, looking up at me with so much warmth and comfort in his eyes, and it’s not so scary anymore.

I flip the test over, both of our eyes moving to see the result.

Two little lines that change everything. It's positive.

My eyes immediately fill with tears, overflowing and hot as they run down my cheeks. My eyes move from the test to trail up to Matt's face. His eyes are wide as they stare at the result in shock, but I watch as a smile overtakes his face, his eyes moving from the test to my face as he beems at me.

"Baby! We're having a baby!" he cheers, dropping the test as he scoops me up in his arms, twirling me around. Despite the fear and anxiety I feel, I find myself smiling and laughing at his excitement. After a moment of us both giggling as he joyfully swung me around, he sets me back on my feet gently, his hands coming up to cup my cheeks and brush my tears away with his thumbs.

"I know this isn't how we expected this to happen, or even when we expected it, but I swear to you that I'm all in. One hundred percent. I'll be with you every step of the way. Every day, every appointment, every late night and early morning, I'm here and I'm always going to be here. I love you so much, sweetheart, and I love our little us just as much already," he tells me softly but devotedly. He means every word with his heart and soul, but I never had any doubts about him to begin with.

"I know, Matty. I love you too." I whisper to him, my voice breaking as tears start falling again.

"I know, I know this is sudden and scary and it's going to be a big life change for us, but we have each other always. I know you will be the best mom to our baby. I am so lucky to have you, and to be doing this with you. You don't have to be scared, I'm right here with you," he says, leaving a soft kiss on the top of my head as he pulls me into his arms, holding me so gently against him.

It's all suddenly so real. I'm having a baby with the love of my life, the best and most kindhearted man I've ever known. I pull Matt even closer to me, cupping his face and pulling his lips against mine for a sweet kiss, soft and full of all the love we have for each other and this new little life we will have.

We slowly pull away from each other, soft smiles painting both of our faces when we suddenly hear a loud thud from the hallway. Matt raises an eyebrow and walks towards our closed bedroom door, and I follow. Matt opens the door to find both of his brothers laying on the floor outside of his door, all tangled up in a heap, Chris on top of Nick who is caught in the middle of cursing Chris out as soon as the door opened.

"God damn it Chris, the one fucking time you really need to be careful you fucking flop on me like a goddamn elephant you stupid— oh, ha ha, hi there matthew," Nick says, voice quieting even more and looking sheepish at being caught eavesdropping. I stiffle a laugh at the two of them laying on the floor, as I look up to see Matt looking at his brothers with an irritated look but some fondness still in his eyes.

Chris, however, has no shame in being the clumsy one to get them caught, and instead quickly rises to his feet and grabs Matt in a bear hug, despite Matt stiffening up and turning to look at me with a loof as if asking for help. I stiffle a laugh and shake my head at the antics of the soon to be uncles.

"You're going to be a dad! Can we start buying cute baby shit now?!" Chris asks us both excitedly, still squeezing Matt in his arms. I smile and nod as I move to join in on the hug, Nick following to join in too. We already have such a good little family here, and I feel overwhelmed with happiness and excitement in adding to it.

note: woo its been 5 months since I posted the original version of this story. I'm so so sorry it's taken so long for the alternate version I promised but life has been a whirlwind. I'm hoping this will be the start of getting back into writing and creating :) love u all always ♥

tag list members; @secret-sturniolo @sturniolopepsi @christinarowie332 @mangosrar @cupidsword @st4rswrld @biimpanicking @bernardenjoyer @lovingsturniolo @sturnphilia @mxqdii @oh-toseewithoutmy-eyes @its-jennarose @fionaheartswomen @hedgehogperalta @thetriplets3 @lilsxo10 @recklesssturniolo @meg-sturniolo @flowerxbunnie @mlimmm @querenciasturniolo @jjmaybankswifes-blog @leah-loves-lilies @0-r-a-y-0 @sturnioloslut-b @sturnioloenthusiast @sturnworld @sturns-posts

[fox-bright]

Right after Easter, twenty years ago this month, my mentor sent me a one-way ticket to Pittsburgh, PA, and saved my life.

I'd been more or less disowned a year and a half before--my mother threw me out on the ninth of September, 2001--and I was drowning in sand. I am not a creature of the desert, even if I was raised there, and my hometown was not a loving place for almost anyone to be. And while multiple friends and coworkers had by that point felt it necessary to stop me when I was idly talking about my week and say you know, you don't have to accept this treatment. You know, I believe she loves you, or thinks she does, but that's not GOOD ENOUGH when she treats you like she does, I hadn't yet really come to accept that my mother is who she is. I was miserable, and lonely, and not even allowed to visit  my siblings unless Mom was there, because "I don't know what you'd talk to them about, and I don't think you're righteous."

(I might, it's true, have talked to them about how I was queer. I was more likely to have talked to them about Final Fantasy or something, but I guess we'll never know.)

Mom threw me out when I was nearly nineteen. At twenty, Diane sent me a plane ticket. Her voice down the phone--I'd never heard it before, in the years that I'd been part of the young writer's forum she moderated, the internet back then was mostly text--was warm and gentle and peaceable. I found a room for you, she said. I have friends who can help you get a job. She sent me a Greyhound ticket to Phoenix (along with thirteen dollars in cash, because you could pay extra and give the recipient up to half the value of the ticket) and a plane ticket from Sky Harbor to PIT. I was scared and unsure, but I was so, so tired of being hungry. So tired of not knowing for sure where I was going to sleep next week. And sick at heart from my mother's behavior ("Did you sleep with him?" she asked me, about my fiance; when I quietly but unashamedly said I had, she pulled me forty feet by my braid, her acrylic fingernails digging bleeding grooves into my scalp that ached for months, scars I probably still have). I'd been so comprehensively heartbroken already that I didn't know how I'd survive it, and the trick to surviving suicidality is, do anything else. Even if it means you leave your whole life behind.

And I knew I'd miss my siblings, but fuck, I missed them already, so what the hell.

I got on the bus. I got on the plane. I touched down in the aftermath of a late snowstorm, and I didn't have a coat, and the air felt sharp and tasted like clouds. And Diane was there, smiling, and she started talking and didn't stop until she'd deposited me in my new home.

And then, having gotten me to Pittsburgh, she gave me everything. Took me to this meetup and that interesting park, introduced me to everyone she knew, constantly finagled and jostled and gently prodded me through anxiety and discomfort and into growth and learning and maturity. She took me to doctors and the dentist, which my mother had neglected or denied me when I begged (I was twenty the first time I ever went to a dentist; that's four or five solid years after I started telling my mother that I really needed to see one). She took me shopping for work clothes, and made suggestions about styling and my hair that would help child-sized, baby-faced me look a little more formidable. She didn't, ever, overstep; she always seemed magically to know when it was time to let go and watch me baby-stumble for a while until my feet were steady under me. I was such a very young twenty, half-feral, poorly-socialized and just about absolutely ignorant of how people should behave, and she never once made me feel ashamed of myself.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week. Twenty years. Half my life, just about precisely. All the things I've gotten to do since then--travel; take up a martial art and train and train until I competed on the national level; become an artist's model in paintings all over the world; perform lion dance for a ballet with the love of my life literally supporting me, throwing me into the air; learn to garden and to preserve my own food and to quilt and crochet and put up drywall and take down ancient varnish and unfreeze a pipe and make sourdough bread from starter and so, so many other things--I've gotten to do because of her. Because if she hadn't gotten me out of Cottonwood, within six months I would have been dead.

I love my life. I've had a lot of grief, in twenty years; lost a baby, lost friends to illness or just bad luck, lived with a boyfriend who was the very definition of psychotic and who burned my life down around my ears, chose other partners who weren't what I deserved, until I learned to require the right things. But I worked in my garden today under an unseasonably hot sun, moving wood-chip mulch with a wagon--

--okay, so the garden, right, and the mulch. I wanted this house because of its garden; I spend a lot of time in it, through much of the year. I grow a lot of food and a lot of flowers, and the air is full of birds all day and fireflies all night. Last year the next-door-neighbor on our left had tree people in to take down a couple of trees, and I looked at the deep dumptruckful of fresh tree chips and I wanted it. I knew that a lot of the time tree services have to pay to dump their wood chips somewhere else, and that they find it tedious. And I thought, Diane would just walk on over there, and say hi-ii  the way that she does, and ask for it. Diane would just smile, and--

I raised my chin, and I walked over, and I gave my winningest smile, and I said Hi-ii, I'm Gen, I live right there in the house with the blue roof, and I was wondering, do you guys want a place to dump all that? and fifteen minutes later I had a couple of tons of premium hardwood chip mulch behind my house. I've been transporting it to various places in the garden since, scoop by scoop with a shovel and my little black wagon, and have thickly covered a couple of hundred feet worth of beds so far. I put twenty wagon-loads up front of the house today, making twenty or thirty feet of new garden bed for native pollinator plants to go into in three weeks, and the whole time I was literally singing with how good my life is, how lucky I am, to have my husband, to have my home, to have a place that has kept me safe, to have learned so many things, to live somewhere that I get to experiment and watch things grow and produce baskets and baskets of food from a handful of seeds. Because of work and lessons and effort and continuing to put one foot ahead of the other, yes, I've worked hard to get here. But ultimately--because of Diane.

I don't really know what good parents are like. Dad is a word that means "hurts you and hurts you and hurts you and then disappears," and Mom is a word that means "will eat your heart from the inside and complain the whole time about the taste." But because of Diane...because of her, I do understand, a little.

[caxycreations]

Nowhere Else to Put This

WARNING: VENT, STRONG LANGUAGE

I don't know where to start or where to end

so fuck it

just

gonna go.

I have no job. I've tried, before, several times. Worked at a cotton gin when I was 16, got fired 3 hours in because my supervisor kept telling me to sit down and watch how to do the work, and the manager kept coming by RIGHT as I was sitting back watching. So I got fired 3hrs in for "not doing anything besides watching a man four times my age do ten times my work".

Worked at a burger stand after that, lost that job when they closed down a week later. Unemployed for years after that, then mom talked to her boss and managed to get me a job working in-home care, specifically for my grandmother, who was a client of the company. That was great. $11.50 an hour to keep my grandmas place clean, hang out and chat with her, and run errands? I was already doing that, so all that changed was that now I got paid for it.

Eventually snagged a second job, remodel work for the local walmart, and wound up quitting because it felt so fucking pointless. Two of the managers insisted that the local workers could be dropped because this walmart was so small they could do the work with a third of the team in half the time, and made sure to remind the local workers (aka me, mom, my cousin, and my friend, along with 6-7 others out of the 30-man team) that we were completely expendable, and entirely unwanted.

So I quit that job, focused entirely on the in-home care job for a while longer.

And then I moved. Stupid, idiotic, worthless idea. I moved away to live with my boyfriend in Oklahoma, who promptly dumped me two goddamn weeks after I moved, revealing he only wanted me out there to "save me from that dead-end town", and he had actually been thinking of breaking up with me for a month or more, but wanted to "save me" first.

I wind up there for six months, applying everywhere I can, trapped in his house because nobody will hire me and I can't leave on my own because my anxiety prevents me from driving. Finally, my Dad saves the day, finding out what happened and driving for a day solid to get there and bring me back home.

And I still couldn't land a job. A town where everyone knew me, everyone knew my dad, his word could get ANYONE a job there

Anyone but me. Because everyone heard about the gin situation, and saw me as lazy, all because one person several years ago told me to sit down and watch, and another person misread the situation, and the first never stood up for me.

Now I live with Mom. I'm 25, I've lived on my own multiple times in the past, and moved away once before, and I still wound up back here.

I have problems. I have undiagnosed autism (literally proven, tested and proven, but I pissed off the guy who handled my test and he said he would not diagnose "such a smart-mouthed kid" (context: he wanted me to make a story using random bits and bobs from a plastic bag, and I got frustrated after the sixth time of explaining to him that being put on the spot was making it impossible)

I have diagnosed anxiety (been on anti-depressants, relaxants, and even had a doctor outright TELL me that I should get a support animal to help manage it)

There are things I absolutely can not do on my own. I can't drive. I can't deal with the general public in person. I can't even manage to say hi to a stranger.

And it fucking HURTS.

I need to see a dentist, I need to see a doctor, I need to be re-tested for autism by someone who actually fucking cares so I can get that diagnosis on paper instead of people looking at me like an asshole for saying I'm autistic without documentation.

And the only person who can help me do so is my mom, who consistently neglects both myself AND my little brother, because she can't be bothered to deal with any kind of inconvenience to her desire to sit in bed all day and play Spades on her phone, or to go mow the lawn for the 400th time this week just so she can tell us to do everything because "i've been outside all day".

I try to do what I can, I try to earn what I can. But it doesn't fucking work. I try to stream, and so many people say "oh advertise more, you'll be seen by more people" but that's bullshit. I'm lucky to get one new follower in six months. I've got an internet following 700-people strong across all my platforms, and over 100 of them on my Twitch, and I still struggle to get so much as 6 people viewing on a stream at any given time.

But twitch isn't everything, I also do art commissions, writing commissions, and once-upon-a-time did VRChat Avatar commissions!

I stopped doing Art comms because I'd charge $30 for the same thing others were charging $70-$100 for, and I barely got any interest, and the interest I did get, people would ask me for so much more than I was capable of. So I dropped it to just headshots. Five bucks or less depending on the quality asked of me, and it STILL doesn't get me anything.

Writing comms? I've gotten ONE writing comm request in the 7 years I've been offering them, and you wanna know what it was? Some fuckin weirdo asking for, of all things, an NSFW PAW PATROL FIC. I'm sorry, my moral compass might be grey half the time but even on my most morally defunct day I wouldn't write that for any amount of money.

avatar comms? I was actually half good at! Got a few people ordering from me, and it was good money cause I could land $60-$70 comms that took like 2-3 days to do. But then I lost access to the popular model, and people stopped wanting the work, and the few that still did wanted me to do things with models I physically could not do. One client had an asymmetrically patterned oc and INSISTED on using the Terris Wolf, which btw, is LOCKED as a symmetrical texture. The texture wrap is literally just one half of the model, mirrored onto the other half, and the only way to fix that would be to fully unwrap the model in Blender and make a whole new custom texture, WHICH I CAN'T DO because every time I open Blender I get an actual physical headache looking at it. So I stopped because people kept asking me for things I couldn't do, even things that were in my ToS as "Cannot/Will Not Do".

I have no work. I have no income besides the pathetic $50-$60 I make every 3-4 months from streaming.

And when I vent about this, so many people say "I wish I could help you, but I'm going through so-and-so"

I don't want a handout! I accept tips and donations sure, but it's because I can't fucking afford to turn them down! Do you think if I had any reasonable income I'd be asking people to give me money for nothing besides the goodwill of helping me? NO! Because I don't want to be a charity case!

I have a very, VERY capable mind, and very capable hands, and a willingness to learn whatever skill or skills I need to in order to do a job. The problem is I can't work public jobs, I need something that doesn't require driving, and all the work-from-home stuff is either "work hard and one day you might make minimum wage if you're lucky!" or "requires X years experience, bachelor's or greater degree in X field, and must hold X certification"

There are "entry-level" DATA ENTRY jobs that demand certifications! Can you believe that??? Certified, for what? Pushing fuckin buttons? Data entry isn't that fuckin complicated.

I just

I want to earn income.

I hate being given something for nothing. I hate feeling like I owe people, or like the only reason I have something is because someone else decided I was worth it.

I'm worth it to me, I want to buy myself things, I want to be able to afford replacements and repairs when things break or wear down, I want to be able to pay for my own groceries, I want to be able to buy my own clothes, and I want to earn the money used to do so.

I hate feeling so fucking useless, so hopeless. I've spent YEARS improving the few marketable skills I do have, and it's led to a state of living where I can't even afford to buy groceries without asking my boyfriend to pay for them, and I fucking hate it. It's not his responsibility to provide for me, it's mine, and I'm tired of relying on everyone around me for the most basic shit.

Sorry to spill this here. Nowhere else fucking cares and the people I normally vent to have heard this all before and I don't want to bother them with it.

[inkofamethyst]

March 27, 2024

daylist: symphonic nerdy wednesday evening (city pop, japanese jazz, orchestra, film score [it was exclusively ~vgm~ (lots of NieR and Final Fantasy, lots of vocal tracks!) lol], mmorpg)

song obsession of the week: The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace - The Amazing Devil gfkgdkjgkjfgkjd

Man I am just so pro-right to repair. Was thinking about getting some new headphones because the earpads on the ones I've had for years have been flaking bad for months, but they sell what are essentially the same earpads online! The headphones themselves are still fully functional, so why contribute to electronic waste when I don't have to? And now they feel perfect :)

Speaking of repair though, I've been done dirty by orthodontists and dentists all my life. And now I might have to pay, again, to fix issues that were ultimately caused by them. I've done (almost) everything right. Wore my retainers nightly, brushed, and I'm now into flossing regularly. So annoying.

Anyway I'm lowk stressing about the future (because of course I am) because even though I could "afford" a solo apartment, I also can't help but feel like that would be squandering my opportunity to save a ton toward the future when my savings would make the most impact (yeah, sorry, it's another one of these, and won't be the last I'm sure). Living solo is something I want and would love to do. And according to my calculations, I could. Even without sacrificing retirement and saving toward a house. Which is more than most graduate/PhD students are ever able to do during their schooling. But it's the anxiety of knowing that I could do more if I had even just one roommate. It's like, considering my situation as a student, what I already have saved, what I will be able to save, what I will have left over each month (a seriously comfortable sum (because, like a platypus, I don't do much)), I would be fine. I would be happy! But having one roommate wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, I guess. And then I could contribute more to my future happiness.

I don't know.

Can I place a monetary value on comfort?

I have a little under a year to figure out what I'm going to do. I can tell you what I want. I want someone to tell me that choosing to live alone would not be ruinous. That it'd be okay. That it'd be worth it for my contentment. That I'm taking the right steps, that I have a good foundation set. But I have to make the decision by myself. And then live with it. Through whatever comes. Because I don't really want to move more than once more before my program ends (and another thing, it would be much more difficult to save up for moving again if I lived alone).

Part of me wants to approach this with the mindset that the future is never guaranteed. And that, as a result, it's okay to splurge now. (Also there's the part about my grandmother potentially not being able to take care of her dog as she ages, and I wouldn't want to rehome her entirely (the puppy, not my grandmother).)

But like, okay. The 50-30-20 needs-wants-saving axis, right? I could stick "living alone" as part of wants since I don't otherwise really spend that much in wants ultimately.

Let me go calculate.

Okay. Post-tax (which is how you're meant to calculate 50-30-20), I'd be doing a bit better than the suggested model (but!!! this includes all the help I'm getting without which I simply would not consider this in the first place).

Let me... let me do some future sims.

nerdwallet says I'll be fine.

Okay. Okay! okay.. Ohh-kay.

I'm not completely decided but at least I have all that information available to me.

Today I'm thankful that.. I don't have a lot of homework tonight. So I can go to bed. OH OH ALSO thankful the person I've wanted as my secondary advisor for months but was too afraid to ask said yes and seemed happy to say so <3

[edit, ~a week later: the trouble will be finding a 1b/1b at my price point (still pretty low for this area since I don't really want to settle for a studio) that's close enough and has my minimum requirements (I suppose another potential option would be saving aggressively for another year to grind out a pot of money that would sustain me for three years at a slightly higher price point)]

[audiovisualrecall]

Had a meltdown of sorts but not my usual screaming destructive frustrated meltdown, more of an emotional release and actually expressing myself, but in a distinctly neuroatypical way. So. Not really a meltdown but feels similar? Or maybe I was on the edge of a meltdown but I turned it into more productive crying and communicating instead simply by luck. I think that's more accurate. An averted meltdown crying session. In which I acknowledged out loud that things are different for me and are going to be different from the 'usual' 30 year old, because I am disabled. Like that's not giving up or acting younger than my age to acknowledge that my disabilities- autism + adhd (+anxiety+depression) make things different for me. They're disabilities bc they are disabling to varying extents and varying times.

My sister awhile ago told me I should move out, and on one hand I want to be independent and not feel like a child when I'm with our parents, and I've never lived away from home for more than a week, and i get that in her opinion as the child who went the farthest from home more than once, that experience of living away from home was good for her and her growth and independence, she thinks trying for that goal by the same method would be good for me too.

But the aspects of my disabilities that are disabling are the things that would make moving out and living on my own or even with roommates anywhere from somewhat difficult to meltdown-inducing stressful with negative results (in other words I could go the opposite direction and retreat from independence more bc it scary and difficult and if I'm not good at something right away I give up bc it feels bad!) I can barely manage to make all these phone calls to try to get my medication, I haven't even looked into how my new dental coverage works and didn't call my dentist back and only listened to their voicemail yesterday bc I got stressed out about everything, I have at least one maybe two bills or more overdue to my Dr's office that I have the ability to pay but just haven't taken care of and just can't get myself to do it, I paid for driving lessons over 2 years ago and still haven't called them back to schedule the lessons between being busy and overthinking everything to do with the phone call and the scheduling and the lessons themselves, I struggle to keep my cat's litterboxes clean, I struggle to make sure I shower, I'm struggling to keep up brushing my teeth after starting twice or 3x a day back after my dental surgery in now at 1x a day because I'm always in a rush in the mornings and I have to remind myself to brush before bed *every single time*, I overthink and then fail to respond to messages/texts/emails constantly, I forgot I was going out on the sales floor to help a customer at work yesterday completely bc I got distracted and they waited 10+ mins for me going back and forth to customer service and were very unhappy, i cant get myself to go to bed on time or do a million other things, etc etc etc.

On top of that, I actually *like* spending time with my parents and I'm aware they're getting older, they're not Old, but older. I don't want to throw away time I can spend with them on this idea that I need to live on my own to be independent or just to act my age, like there aren't other 30 yr olds living at home. (My mom lived at home until she got married, sure she went away to college, yes, but still came back and lived at home after that. My dad probably also lived at home until they got married, and hes older than my mom by 2 yrs.) There's nothing so inherently not-independent about living at home as an adult.

Also steph thinks that our parents deserve or need to live alone just the two of them, and do everything alone, as if I'm always spending time with them? Plenty of times I do my own thing while they go somewhere and do something on their own. 'Second honeymoon' she called what she thinks they should have, but they can and have and will go up to the cape just the two of them whenever they want to. I came with them this past one time bc I needed a vacation too and also was too anxious to stay alone and also I hadn't seen the place up there yet at all. They don't mind me spending time with them or living at home, and if they want or need to do their own thing without ne they will and have and can say so! But anyway the idea suggests me needing support for my disabilities is somehow impinging on their ability to live the retired life, like it implies I should feel bad or try to not make them put up with me too much or something. But the fact is I AM disabled and I DO need support and they are my support system at the moment. That doesn't change just because I'm 30 now. I may or may not need the same support for the rest of my life, I don't know, and yes I know they won't be with me for my whole life (tho my zayde was around for 60+ years of my mom's life and 30+ years of it with her as an adult, so), but focusing on the here and now this is where I'm at right now, and I'm the future I can develop other support systems and I can branch out further and further over time, I think I've come a long way since I was 20 let alone 25, even if it doesn't always feel like it, and in other ways I'm struggling more, for different reasons, but anyway. I'm not a burden on my parents and I shouldn't feel the need to remove that burden from their retired life, bc it wouldn't be in my Own best interests to do so! And I'm allowed to be selfish and do what's best for me as long as it works for my parents as well. And it does.

There are still ways I can work on being independent, I try a little bit more all the time and push myself a little bit, and that's okay.

I don't need to do what steph thinks I ought to as a 30 yr old and I don't need to shrink myself from being a problem for my parents by doing things that won't be right for me right now, when I'm not a problem or a burden I just need their support.

And again I do like spending time with them, sometimes I get frustrated with them and with the expectation I'll just continue doing things the same way we always have, for example with dinners, but it also just makes sense like. If dad cooks bc he likes cooking and is best at it, then it makes sense to eat together at the same time when it's fresh and hot off the pan, no need to insist on my own separate time and meal, when it's efficient to est the same meal and together.

Anyway just...thinking and coming to terms but in a positive way, accepting I am disabled and that that's okay.....

[foxilicious]

I slacked off a good bit on doing my teeth. Many ways of taking care of myself just.. goes south when I am feeling low mentally. My teeth have been no good with issues I was born with and one day it got to the absolute peak of pain and bad. Pain I've never felt before (which is saying something since I've been in absolute torture because of my mouth) and finally ALLLL this time later and many dentists later they were fixed up and bad ones taken out. Even the one that had nerves all over it. My mouth swelled up once on my left side and half my face was paralyzed.. I couldn't eat or sleep because I felt so pukey from the really bad anxiety. Finally I was on really strong antibiotics and the dentist had to cut my gums to get the infected lump in my mouth gone and pull a few teeth. My teeth journey has been torture. But I again slacked off way too much so I know this cleaning today won't feel good and I know a few needed fixed anyway but definitely now. With me on weight loss shots and beginning to take care of myself whether I like it or not imma just tell them the truth about me being so low and having a hard time doing things and then having them fix them and never letting them get bad again. Even if I have to be drug into the bathroom. I'm definitely on the audhd spectrum somewhere and brushing my teeth was something that wasn't too fun to do. But ofc I'm a big grown ass 28 year old who needs to get it together. Please light all your candles and say all your prayers for my mouth today because I always get nervous even for cleanings and I'm afraid of the pain. 😅