#i have never once had dentist anxiety before but

[divinekangaroo]

Apparently, dentists now have things sized and shaped like dildos with a vibrating tip, that they stick in your mouth and move all around including quite deep to create 3D images of your teeth including the very back of your backmost teeth, which requires that they go quite deep indeed, all while you stare at the what the fuck screen they've stuck to their ceiling which happens to reflect your image of this happening back at you during darker moments in whatever soothing landscape they'd deciding to show

[thethingything]

also though this dentist is genuinely the best dentist we've ever had.

she was really understanding about us having issues with toothpaste and we asked if she had any recommendations for alternatives we could try to see if those help and she gave us some options to look into so that's cool.

she also took our medical trauma into account and kept checking if we were okay throughout the appointment and asking if we needed to take breaks and we've never had a dentist do that before.

she warned us about what each tool would feel like too and actually warned us if something was going to be painful which like, I would in fact rather be warned that "this is going to be uncomfortable in this way" and "yeah this is gonna feel really bad for a few days but that's normal" than have someone try to reassure us that it won't be that bad only for it to get really painful.

our next appointment is to have a tooth removed and she explained the procedure to us and how that normally goes, and then we asked if we can take the tooth home afterwards and I can only assume from the look on her face that she's never been asked that before, but she was like "yeah I don't see why not, it is yours after all" so that's cool

[soursturniolo]

Scare • Matt Sturniolo

pairing: matt sturniolo/fem!reader

summary: matt and you handle a pregnancy scare.

tags: angst and then fluff, with some humor sprinkled in. happy ending.

tw: light discussion of periods and pregnancy

It feels like my heart stops as I look at the calendar on my phone.

9 days late. And I’m never late.

I noticed this morning that my box of tampons still sat in the cabinet, unopened, in Matt and I’s shared bathroom. I hadn’t thought anything of it, until I opened my calendar to see when my next dentist appointment is.

I swallow dryly as I lock my phone and slip it back into my pocket, dropping down to sit on Matt and I’s bed. All I can think about is that damn calendar. 9 days late. 9 whole days. One or two days is normal I guess, but nine entire days?

I can feel my thoughts spiraling already. Matt and I are safe. I’m on a good birth control and we use condoms often. But even those aren’t foolproof. I do remember forgetting my pill twice this month.

Oh god. What if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready for a kid right now.

Oh god, and Matt. Matt isn’t ready either. With his career and plans with his brothers there’s no way this could even work right now. It would ruin everything. I feel tears of worry and anxiety fill my eyes and begin to drop down my cheeks.

My thoughts just continue to spiral and spiral, until I feel the bed dip next to me. I turn to see Nick, who had stayed behind with me while Matt and Chris went out to pick up some groceries.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” He asks concerned, his arm wrapping around my shoulder, pulling me into a side hug as we sat together.

I open my mouth to speak as my eyes meet his, but all that comes out is a sob. My hand moves to cover my mouth as more sobs follow. Nicks face creases in worry as his other arm wraps around me, pulling me into a hug as he rubs my back soothingly.

“Deep breaths, babe. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay,” he tells me, making me jerk back as I shake my head.

“No it won’t! He’s going to hate me!” I cry.

“If you’re talking about Matt, that kid could never hate you,” Nick tells me, voice calm and reassuring.

“I don’t know, Nick,” I laugh without humor, “this might.”

“Did you cheat?” Nick asks face calm, but apprehensive.

“No! God no,” I immediately answer.

Nick gives a small smile at the quick response.

“Okay, highly doubted it when I asked anyway,” he laughs, “but I don’t know what else could have you so upset thinking he’s going to hate you. You can talk to me, I want to help. What’s wrong?” He asks again.

I sigh. Nicks my best friend. He’s how I met Matt in the first place. I really wanted to just talk to Matt about this first, but with LA traffic and all Matt probably won’t be back for another hour. I don’t think I can survive another hour keeping this all bottled up.

“Nick, it’s bad,” I begin, voice shaken.

“I don’t care how bad, I’m here,” he immediately responds.

I take a deep breath.

“I’m late.” I state.

If this wasn’t so serious, Nicks reaction would have been funny. He stares at me blankly for a moment, before his head cocks to the side a bit in confusion.

“Like, to an appointment?” He asks, lost.

“No, Nick,” I sigh, shaking my head, “my period is late” the last part comes out like a whisper.

Once Nick connects the dots his jaw drops open a bit in surprise, confirming my feelings.

“See! It’s so bad, Nick, this is so bad!” I yell, jumping up from the bed and beginning to nervously pace in front of where Nick sits, still shocked.

“N-no, it’s not bad!” He stutters as he watches me with wide eyes.

I stop pacing and just look at him.

“Really? Not bad? Your jaw dropped open like that because you were trying to catch a fly, then?” I ask sarcastically.

“Listen, I just got confronted with the fact that my best friend and brother fuck, I needed a second,” he defends, hands up.

“Nick, we’ve been dating a year. We dont go to bed and play clash of clans together,” I tell him, making him roll is eyes.

“I know! I know but I also don’t think about it and now we kinda have to think about it and I don’t like it!” Nick exclaims.

“Don’t think about it!” I yell back.

We pause for a minute, staring at each other before we both crack smiles at how ridiculous this has become. We laugh and I return to sitting next to him. Nick wraps his arm around my shoulder again and rests his head against mine.

“So, how late are we talking?” He asks, getting back to the important point.

“9 days,” I whisper.

“Okay. Not horrible. Could be later,” he says, nodding. I nod too. A moment of silence passes as I nervously pick at my nails and Nick stares at the wall, thinking.

“Well, I think we know what we gotta do.” He says, softly.

I turn to him, knowing too.

“Let me call Matt, he should still be at the store with Chris. They can pick up a test,” Nick says. I take another shaky breath before nodding in agreement. I get my phone out and go to Matt’s contact, dialing his number before handing my phone to Nick.

“Hey baby,” Matt’s voice comes through the speaker softly.

“Hey, it’s Nick,” Nick says, earning a confused noise from Matt.

“Nick? Why do you have her phone? Is she okay?” He asks quickly, his concern making me smile softly despite the stressful situation.

“Um,” Nick pauses, which only worries Matt further.

“‘Um’, isn’t a good answer when a guy asks about his girlfriend, Nick,” Matt responds quickly.

“Sorry, she’s okay, but we need you to pick up something else for her while you’re at the store,” Nick says.

“Okay, what?” Matt asks.

Nick looks at me, encouraging me to speak. I take a breath before taking the phone out of Nicks hands, taking it off speaker and holding it to my ear.

“I need a pregnancy test,” I tell him softly.

I cringe as there’s a moment of silence on the other end of the line.

“Okay, I can grab that. Do you need anything else, sweetheart?” He asks softly. I smile again despite the tears I can feel coming again.

“No, that’s it,” I whisper.

“Okay, we’ll be back soon, I love you,” he tells me.

“Love you too” I say back before hanging up.

Nick and I move downstairs, where he puts on a movie for us to distract us while we wait. I let myself be pulled into its predictable plot line as we wait for Matt and Chris to come home.

We both are startled out of our focus on the movie when we hear the front door unlock, followed by it opening to reveal Matt coming in with a mostly empty plastic bag in his hand, while Chris came in carrying the other groceries. Nick moves to help Chris and grabs some of the heavier bags from him, both of them walking to the kitchen while Matt walks over to me.

I stand as he meets me by the couch. He looks surprisingly calm, while meanwhile I feel like my insides are shaking with the anxiety I’m feeling right now. He gives me a small smile before wrapping me in his arms. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I relax into his arms, resting my head against his chest. He gives me a gentle squeeze as I feel him press a kiss to my head.

“Let’s head to my room, baby,” he whispers, pulling back from the hug and grabbing my hand to lead me that way. Once in his room, he hands me the bag with the pregnancy test in it before sitting on his bed. Before walking to our bathroom, I pause.

“Matt, I need to know what this will mean,” I tell him.

He gives a small smile and holds his hand out to me. I walk over and grab it. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, before bringing it up to lips to give it a kiss.

“We’ll do it together. Whatever it is. Sure, I thought kids would be later. But, if now is the time, now is the time. I think I’d be more freaked if this was with some random girl. But with you? I know whatever happens, we will be just fine,” he tells me, before giving the back of my hand another kiss.

“You promise?” I ask.

“I swear,” he tells me.

I smile and nod, before heading to the bathroom. The test is quick and easy, and I’m soon done. I leave the test on the bathroom counter, set my timer for fifteen minutes, and come back out to sit next to Matt on our bed. I rest my head on his shoulder as Matt wraps his arm around me. We just quietly sit, both of us lost in our thoughts as we wait, only to be shaken out of our trances by my phone loudly going off.

I sigh as I stand and walk back to the bathroom to grab the test. I pick it up, careful to not flip it over to show the result, and walk back out to Matt. I stop in front of him. He gives me another reassuring smile as his hands come up to rest on my hips.

“Ready?” I ask, voice cracking.

“Yeah, baby,” he says.

I take a deep breath, knowing this small test in my hand could change everything for the both of us. But I look at Matt, looking up at me with so much warmth and comfort in his eyes, and it’s not so scary anymore.

I flip the test over, both of our eyes moving to see the result.

Negative.

“It’s negative!” I say, laughing. He smiles too, standing and pulling me into a tight hug. We both rock back and forth as we hug, feeling relief. We pull back from the hug and Matt kisses me softly. We both smile into the kiss.

After we part, we walk hand in hand out to the living room where Chris and Nick both sit. They both give us smiles when we walk in.

“So, are we going to be uncles?!” Chris yells, practically bouncing on the couch in excitement.

Matt rolls his eyes, shaking his head while I laugh.

“No, it’s negative. My periods just late, that’s all. It happens sometimes,” I tell them, almost feeling bad when Chris pouts a bit.

We spend the rest of the night laughing and watching movies together, Matt holding me snug in his arms. That night when we go to bed, Matt says something that surprises me.

“Is it bad that I was just a little disappointed?” He asks me softly.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Well, when you first called and asked for the test I was freaking out on the inside. But then I talked to Chris a bit and the whole drive home I thought about it. And then I thought about a little us, a mix of you and me. And as life changing as a kid right now would be, I got excited,” he says, voice soft and quiet.

I smile, leaning in to press my lips softly against Matt’s.

“We’ll have a little us someday, just not quite yet.” I tell him.

“You promise?” He asks.

“I swear.”

[yngtort]

— toothache ❄️

♫ All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth ♫

kinkmas day 1

Fem!reader. mdni. 2.9kw. in which doctor bangchan fills your cavities and the entirety of your mouth.

It hurt like hell.

Exposed to the cold early morning air of the winter, your teeth ache in your mouth. The pain was so aggravating that it had you zooming through the icy roads, trying to get to the dentist as soon as possible.

You had a cavity.

It was obvious, but it still caught you off guard. You genuinely always took good care of your teeth. You brushed, flossed, washed, and even went the extra mile to buy that expensive LED teeth whitening thing from TikTok.

Your hygiene was top tier.

but you’re still pulling into the parking lot of diamond dental with your hand glued to the side of your face.

“Seungmin, I’m freaking the fuck out.” You mumbled into the phone as you hop out of your Nissan, locking it multiple times because you're that kind of person.

The type to worry over little things like a stolen car and dying in a dentist chair.

“It’s not that bad, y/n. You won’t even feel anything.” Your coworker, most importantly your best friend, tells you from the other end.

“You’re acting like you’ve never been to the dentist before.”

He’s right, you have been there— but just to get your teeth brushed a couple times and handed a sticker right after. Not, to be stabbed in the mouth with a needle.

“It’s just been a while and you know how I feel about people’s hands in my mouth.”

“I don’t like the way you worded that.” He faked gagged, “anyways, call me when you’re done, Kay?”

“Kay.” you replied, slightly disappointed as he hung up the phone. Leaving you to walk the path of shame into the dentist office alone.

-

After filling out an extensive amount of paperwork, anxiously shaking your leg for an hour, and losing a mean game of virtual uno— your name was finally called.

You were led to the back by a small lady whose steps were short but impactful. She was so fast, you couldn’t tell if you were a patient or a Maury cameraman.

“Go on in,” she gestured towards the basic oral operation room. You take a seat, awkwardly deciding to put your hands on your stomach.

fuck you’re scared shitless, and the woman seems to notice your discomfort as she tries to distract you with a small conversation. But your eyes are still trained on whatever the fuck she’s putting together.

You inadvertently move away as she holds a silicone piece to your lips, “open as wide as you can,” she instructed.

Gosh, this was embarrassing. You were almost considering letting your teeth rot. But no, that’s gross.

Once the what-ever-it’s-called is placed in your mouth, she brings over another contraption. You assume it’s just a glorified camera, which was correct.

after a few pictures of your teeth, which kinda hurt btw, the woman inspected the photo. “Looks like you have a cavity on one of your molars. Other than that, you take pretty good care of your teeth.”

Pretty good? You felt like your efforts deserved higher praise but whatever. She goes on to tell you what needs to be done and how long it will take.

You grimace at the details.

“The doctor will be with you shortly.” She told before promptly leaving.

And now you’re left in complete silence. Well, not exactly silence. There was some music playing in the back, falling in melody with the constant sound of mechanical wiring from people in the rooms over— probably getting the same procedure. It sounded like someone was dying in there, seriously.

Anxiety filled you to the brim as you considered darting out that room right that second.

But just as you’re about to swing yourself out of your seat, there’s a voice that enters the room.

“Hello, ms.y/n . I’m dr.bang, I’ll be taking care of you for the day.” The doctor says as he steps in-front of you and suddenly you don’t want to move from that seat anytime soon.

He’s an undeniable hottie, even in those generic dentist scrubs that everyone in the faculty sported. For some reason, he just sparkled in them. Maybe it was because of the bulging muscles and his tan skin— whatever it was, your mouth was watering.

“Hello,” you said rather dryly, still locked on the vain that ran down his toned arm.

The doctor gives you a smile, a bright one too, and pulls a seat next to yours. “I hear you have a cavity. Mind if i have a look?” He asks as if you really have a choice. like he’s not already lowering the back of your chair so he can get a good look at your pearly whites.

He goes in with a tiny mirror, holding your chin with his free hand as he inspects the cavity. “You’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth, hmm?” he asked, thumb gliding over your bottom lip.“suckers, perhaps?”

Damn, he called you out.

Now this may sound a little weird, but you’ve always had quite the addiction to lollipops — suckers, the tootsie pop ones specifically. it’s even gotten to the point where you have a jar of them waiting at home on your nightstand.

And it’s not even the flavor of candy itself, you just…like putting things in your mouth?

Moving on !

Dr.bang finally moves back, releasing your jaw that was just starting to hurt. “It's only a small cavity. just need to fill it in for ya and I’ll be out of your hair.”

Honestly, with a face like his, he could play in your hair for as long as he wanted to. Give it a few tugs while he’s at it.

“Okay, but um..” you gulp a bit, toying with the end of your jacket. “Are you gonna give me a shot? My mouth is a bit sensitive, and I was wondering if there were any other alternatives.”

The doctor chuckled softly hearing your concerns. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s heard something like this.

“Unfortunately, the numbing gel that we use wouldn’t be as effective for this procedure.” He said before placing his hand on your shoulder in a reassuring manner. “But I promise it’ll only hurt for a second. I’m sure you can take it, yeah?”

take what? him ? Or the damn needle?

You have no clue, but if he’s gonna talk to you like that, you feel like you could break through a wall if you put your mind to it.

The dirty thoughts don’t get any better throughout the rest of your time in that damn chair either. Dr.bang had quite the mouth on him.

“Open up for me” “atta girl.” “That’s it, just a bit more”, he would say this while fingers were damn there down your throat.

A bit of an overstatement, he’s drilling your teeth, but you wish was drilling his dick—

“All done.”

The back of your chair is lifted up and you try not to let your body slump over. You’ve been lying in that spot for about an hour and a half, teeth being tickled, and eyes being blinded by the dingy light above your head.

And yet, you don’t want to go home.

“Does everything feel okay, ms.y/n? Nothing bothering you?” he asks, removing his glasses and placing them in his —soft— hair.

You shake your head, “nope, just can’t feel my tongue.” You say, poking the side of your face, testing how much force it will take for you to actually start feeling it.

The doctor laughs at your comment, dimples on full display. “The numbness should wear off in a hour or so. Just try not to eat, don’t want you biting your tongue off.”

“Has that actually happened?” You asked, wide eyed and Mr.bang only laughed again.

“On occasion.” He told, “But you’re a smart girl, so I know you won’t disobey doctors orders.”

Does he get paid to talk like that? Or is he just written by a woman with daddy issues?

Both probably.

“Speaking of doctor orders, try to lay off the sugar, yeah? I’m sure you don’t want to see too much of me after today.”

—

“That was obviously an opening for you to flirt with him.” Seungmin scoffs as he closes the register.

You’re at your job, a small candy parlor called sweethearts, talking to your dear coworker about what transpired earlier that day. You didn’t spare him from the dirty laundry that harvested in your mind while you were getting the fill in. Seungmin doesn’t care tho, he’s not judgmental.

That, and you’re his only source of entertainment as the slow part of your shift comes around.

“Flirt? With the dentist? Isn’t there like a rule against that?” You asked, shifting the cherry flavored sucker in your mouth over to the other side of your cheek.

“For him, yeah” Seungmin shrugged, “but I doubt that anyone actually cares nowadays.”

“He’s probably in a relationship.” You popped the candy out your mouth, lips stained in a pretty red. “He’s too fine not to be.”

“And? ” he crossed his arms.

You blink at him a couple times, “I’m not fucking a taken man.”

“Loser.”

“You’re so-“ you sigh. “Whatever, just go restock something.” You push him from behind the counter.

The next few hours seemed to fade into each other as you stood absentmindedly behind the register. Seungmin had already clocked out since he got lucky and was offered a short shift for today. now you’re slouching at the register— phone in hand, while sucking on another tootsie pop.

“Just can’t stay away from those things, huh?” The voice grabs your attention with a force of seven suns.

you know that thick accent too well.

It had replayed in your head for the entirety of the day after your first encounter.

“D-Dr. bang?” you stutter, eyes round as you take in the man in front of you as he sets down a heart shaped box of chocolates.

“Chris.” he corrects, “I don’t like being called doctor outside the clinic. Makes me sound old.”

It makes him sound hot, in your opinion.

You nod a few times before clearing your throat, reminding yourself that you are on the clock.

”Christmas shopping?” you asked, still mentally going feral as gaze over his stature.

He’s dressed like a chase Atlantic song, how could you not ?

“Yes actually. I was looking for some small sweets to fill up a gift basket.”

“Oh” you perk, scanning the chocolates and placing them in a bag. “for your girlfriend?”

“No, don’t have one.” He says with a shrug, “it’s for my mom.”

A mamas boy ! Woo !

a spark of relief shoots through your body as you hear his words. You won’t have to be a homewrecker after all. Not saying that you were planning to but,, it’s just good to know.

“$6.58.” You tell and Chris follows through with the transaction. his hands brushes against yours as you pass the bag to him and you can’t help but blush like a schoolgirl.

“What about you?”

You blink, “what about me?”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

Is he showing interest too? Is that what this was?

“No, but I dont think these are the kind of questions doctors are supposed to ask.” you say teasingly.

“I’m just trying to get to know my patient better.”

“Uh huh, sure.” you raise an eyebrow, “got anything else you wanna ask?”

Chris crossed his arms, eyes flickering down to the stick that laid between your plump lips. The Candy was completely gone, leaving behind a blue hue on your mouth.

“Your obsession with suckers might’ve peaked my interest.” He told, “do they taste that good that you have to go against my orders?”

That's a really good question. it’s not the first time you’ve heard it, but it stumps you every time. You’re actually a savory kind of girl, like if you had to choose between pie or chips— you’re grabbing the saltiest bag you can find.

But it’s like all your life, you were always sucking on something. Your thumb, jawbreakers, ring pops— anything really.

“I don’t exactly know.” You start, thinking about how to word this. “It’s not exactly the taste…I just kind of like putting things in my mouth?”

Every part of you was expecting to be laughed at, but when not a chuckle left the man’s lips you were just confused.

“So you have an oral fixation?” He asks

“There’s a name for it?” “There’s a name for everything, love.”

“And how do you know all of this?” You push and Chris clicks his tongue.

“I’m a dentist, remember?” Chris takes a step closer, leaning against the counter. “I also know how to satisfy that urge you’ve been feeling.”

Oh.

—

you don’t remember how you ended up like this. pressed against the break room door, tongue tangled with a man you just met.

It’s a crazy situation, but honestly it’s not the wildest thing you’ve done.

your melting into his hold, kiss making you dizzy as if his saliva was laced with some kind of drug. it was absolutely intoxicating, the way his tongue explored every part of your mouth with no restraint.

“Taste so fuckin’ sweet.” He mumbled against your lips.

Chris’s hands roam under your shirt. his cold palms against your warm skin sends a shiver down your spine. Goosebumps follow behind him with every contact as he massages and squeezes your curves.

He pulls back from the kiss and you couldn’t help but whine at the sudden detachment. You try to get him back, but his hand grabs your jaw.

“Don’t worry pretty girl, I got something to fill that dirty mouth of yours.” He coaxes, thumb brushing your swollen lips. “On your knees.”

You take to the floor with no questions asked, eyes coming in direct contact with his bulge and you can’t help but wonder that would even fit in your mouth.

But you won’t back down from the challenge. Your hands almost beggingly climb up his thighs as you look up at him, silently asking for permission.

“If there’s something you want, say it.” Chris tells, head tilted to the side in such an attractive way.

You lean your face up against his leg, “can I put it in my mouth?”

The older grins, “Of course, baby.” He says before unzipping his pants and letting them drop to the floor.

You gulp at how thick his thighs are. Just imagine riding them, wetness dripping all over his skin.

And that’s not even the main event.

his boxers were wrapped so tightly around his dick, each inch was on display and it had your mouth watering. you wasted no time pulling them down, watching it pop up as it’s freed.

“ So big.” You whispered in awe before taking the base into your hands and guiding it to your lips.

“open up for me, love” Chris instructed and you do as told, parting your lips and taking him into your mouth.

the man above lets out a low groan as he's stuffed down your throat. He’s a little surprised at how easily you're handling his girth, lips wrapped around him so snuggly without a single gag.

“Just like that, good girl,” he praises as you suck him like a lollipop. “taking it so well.”

Your head bobbed at a generous rate, hands gripped onto his thighs while you slobbered over his dick. It was such a lewd scene to witness. only worsening when Chris grabs you by your hair, stopping your movements before he takes full control.

his hips reel away before slamming back into your face, fucking your mouth roughly. you whimpered as the head of his dick jabbed the back of your throat repeatedly.

Tears started to well up in your eyes from the harshness of his thrusts. Your throat was rubbed raw and there was an extreme ache in your jaw, but you can’t help being more aroused by the pain. The feeling of being tortured orally had your panties soaked.

So it’s only natural that one of your hands was tucked between your thighs, kneading your clothed clit between your fingers.

“Pretty lil mouth must feel so good finally being used, yea? been practicing on those stupid suckers just for this?” Chris asks cockily, knowing he’d never receive an answer.

He fucks you until his dick is twichting uncontrollably on your tounge, ready to release his thick seed down your throat. But before he even gives you the satisfaction, he yanks back, dick leaving your mouth with a pop.

He decided he’d rather see his cum painting your face than having it disappear without a trace. So he pumps himself in sync with your fingers that were still buried in your pants.

It’s only a matter of seconds before his white ropes drench your face— tongue, lips, lashes— all covered in his mess.

“Fuck” he curses and says something else, but you can comprehend. You're too deep in a daze.

“Y/n.” He calls and calls and calls and calls—

until suddenly his voice loses that thick Aussie accent and instead starts sounding more like your coworker.

“Yo, y/n? I'm gonna clock out soon.” Seungmin says waving his hands in front of your face, “your break was over 30 minutes ago.”

“W-what the fuck???” You blink, still confused and the male just sighs.

“You and your daydreams, man.”

:)

Kinkmas has finally started ! hope you guys enjoyed day 1. I had to quickly cut it short because I type too much and I definitely wouldn’t make the deadline if I continued. That being said, if you would like me to continue toothache as a series just let me know !

— sincerely nni

Tinytag list (open) : @sydnerss @sunnyyangie @foxinnie8 @panjakes

[running-in-the-dark]

so, at my appointment today my new dentist informed me that my psychiatrist told her I shouldn't get laughing gas because I could react badly to it. because of my 'neurological condition/disorder'

bitch I have anxiety. what???

and.... I would 100% be willing to risk a bad reaction! no one fucking asked me! I'm SO afraid of going to the dentist now, I don't fucking care if I dont react well to that, I just wanted to TRY at least once!

I fucking switched dentists in part because I wanted to finally try that. and now I can't because that dude said so. like, cool, give me something else for the panic I get at these appointments??? but no it's just like 'yeah no you get nothing bye'

I'm so angry 😭

had a pretty shit day today - I was already in pain, and then I somehow hurt my back (literally just stood there and moved my arm to pick something up and suddenly had this awful pain in my back). so I've just been lying on the couch all day. it's better now but still pretty painful.

I wanted to paint today but obviously that didn't happen. and yesterday I was so tired that I just fell asleep so I didn't paint then either. tomorrow I've got a dental appointment and that always leaves me very fatigued, soo I'm guessing I won't do anything tomorrow either.

then my niece is sleeping here, then my brother is coming over to help me go through all the stuff for my thesis, then it's my sister-in-law's birthday (which I'm also making a cake for).

I'm so tired.

[sockiestupidity]

The Dentist-Joel Miller x Platonic reader

Relashionship(s):Dentist Joel x reader (platonic)

Reader is implied to be autistic but i feel like its rlly obvi.

Warnings: Dental trauma, y/n used like once, Joel praises a lot (BUT NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY U FREAKS), use of sweetheart, bad writing

THIS IS TOTALLY NOT PROJECTING NOOOO

You knew this day would come, it was inevitable and yet, it still took you by surprise when it actually came. Your dentist appointment. Just the thought of stepping foot in a dentist office filled you with immense dread.

You tried to ignore your underlying anxiety as you got yourself into a comfortable outfit. You grab your comfort item and place it in your pocket, feeling grounded by the weight in your pocket.

Before you leave you decide to quickly brush your teeth and rinse with mouthwash, quickly flossing despite the fact that you had done so a couple earlier. A little extra maintenance could never hurt right? And maybe if you did well enough, your usual one hour teeth cleaning could hopefully turn into a 40 minute appointment. (which is so like unrealistic btw💀)

You grab your keys and start to lock your apartment once you headed out. Struggling to do so due to the anxious tremoring of your hands. You eventually succeed in locking your apartment successfully and leave the building.

As you walk towards the dentist office, which was fairly close to your apartment, you take deep, calming breaths, attempting to ease your anxiety. You never had any success at the dentist. You found the sound of drilling to be extremely overstimulating, and always cringed at the sound and feeling, of your teeth being scraped at. As you got older and your parents started lacking involvement in your life, you gained more leniency in the dental department, only scheduling for the dentist when you absolutely had to.

As a kid and even as an adult, you found difficulty with brushing your teeth most days. When at the dentist, you would be met with judgemental remarks about how "hating the flavor of your toothpaste", "having difficulty flossing", ''lacking motivation", and "forgetting" were not valid excuses and you had to brush no matter what. You were also laughed at by one of your past dentists for crying when she had started scraping at your teeth in a way that caused you pain.

Too lost in your thoughts, you barely even notice the fact that you had already entered the office. You take a deep breath and approach the receptionist.

"Hi Im checking in?" You manage to awkwardly squeak out. The receptionist nods and asks for your name. You give them your name and get checked in.

Once that is taken care of, you take a seat, bouncing your leg nervously as you wait for your name to be called.

"Y/N?" a man calls out. You get up and approach him.

He smiles softly "Hi, I'm Joel, I'll be doing your cleaning today."

You slowly nod, not fully acknowledging him, despite his comforting aura. Ever since your previous dentist had moved away, you had be anxious to return since you had little luck with finding gentle and understanding dentists such as her.

Deapite your underlying hostility, he attempted to chat with you as he lead you towards his room. Once you arrive you take a seat on the dental chair.

"Alright, since you're a new patient of mine, I need to ask you a couple of questions, okay?" He asks with a comforting tone.

You nod. "That's it." He praises "This shouldn't take too long." He pauses "Okay, first question. You ready?" You nod. He smiles again "Good. First question is pretty simple. How often do you brush?"

You hesitate, debating whether or not you could tell him the truth. You eye him up and down. You decide that based kff of his demeanor, you could probably trust him.

"As often as I can." you answer meekly. He nods and types your answer down in his computer.

"Thats alright. It's better to brush at least once in a while than not at all. Do you mind sharing why?"

You shrug "It's hard, toothpaste is gross n the brush always hurts."

He looks at you with understanding "Understable , I'll write down a couple of flavoured toothpaste recommendations for you so you can try them if you'd like. As for your brush, try using one with soft bristles. I know there's a lot of debate between hard bristles and soft bristles and which one is better currently, but I think softer bristles could really help you out. Don't tell anyone I said this but you could also give miswak toothbrushes a try. But again, don't tell anyone that I said that, it'll be a secret between the two of us."

You giggle slightly at that, causing his smile to widen. "Moving on from that, what about floss? How are your flossing habits?

You shake your head "Bad. Really bad. I can never floss right and I struggle a lot with it."

He nods "I'll give you some handheld floss to try, some people find more success with it."

You let out a relieved sigh, watching as he types up a couple of things again. "Any pain or discomfort?" you shake your head "That's good. I see here that your last dentist made a note saying that you struggle with remembering to brush your teeth or finding the motivation to do so?" you nod "May I suggest something for that?" you nod, curious as to what he has to say. "Theres a couple apps that I could right down for you that can remind you to brush your teeth, and give you rewards such as points to do so. Is that something you'd be interested in?" you nod "Good. we're all done eith questioning. mind laying back for me?.''

You hesitate, "Um before I do can I ask something?"

"Yeah sure, go ahead." He permits you.

"Can I- can I please wear my headphones?" you hold up your noise cancelling bluetooth headphones.

"Oh of course! Do whatever you need to do to be comfortable!" you smile slightly at that. You connect your headphones to your phone to play your favorite music (or show) in the background and lay back.

He lowers your chair and turns the light in front of your face on (idk what its called tbh.) you squint at the bright light ''Sorry about that. Would you like to borrow some sunglasses?" You nod.

He hands you a cheap pair of sunglasses and you put them on, dimming the bright light. He fastens the disposable bib around you (idk if there's an official name for it but thats the only way i can describe it💀).

He gets his tools out, causing you to tense up. "Hey, it's okay, take a deep breath yeah? I'm going to tell you exactly what I'm doing with each tool okay? We'll get through this together. I'm going to check up on you every once in a while, let me know if you need me to stop so you can take a break at any point."

You feel more reassured and comforted by this. Your body eases up and relaxes a bit. "That's it, good." He praises.

He puts on gloves and picks up two tools "So this to will be used to count your teeth and scrape at any plaque. This other tool is a mirror that will allow me to take a look at the back of your teeth as well." He informs you.

"You ready?" He asks gently. You nod "Good, open up yeah? If you can't open wide that's okay, I'll figure something out.

You manage to get through the whole cleaning, only tearing up slightly once. The whole time Joel makes sure to reassure you and provide praise throughout the whole process, stopping when you need a break, and making sure to inform you of every single action he makes.

Once you're done he gives you a cup to rinse and gets together a goody bag for you, placing his list of suggestions in there. "You did good today. I'd like to see you in six months but if it happens to be later than that I'm perfectly fine with it." He smiles and hands you the bag.

"Thank you Joel." You shyly thank him.

He smiles and nods "Anytime sweetheart."

You smile and exit the room, feeling the weight of dread lifting off your chest. You pay your copay at the front, deciding to schedule your next appointment later.

Once you arrive at your apartment you settle down and curiously look in your bag. Inside is a soft toothbrush, some handheld floss, his list, and a separate note. You decide to read the note out of curiosity. "I'm proud of you, looking forward to seeing if my tips helped you out. -Joel." You smile at the note at hold it close to you, dozing off with the note against your chest.

A/N: IDK WHAT THIS IS BUT ITS DEFINITELY SOMETHING IM SRRY IF ITS RLLY BAD I JUST WANTED TO WRITE AGAIN

ALSO I GOT RLLY LAZY AT THE END IF U CANT TELL ALSO ITS LOWK SHORT IM SRRY PPL

real talk some of this is based off of shit that actually happened to me like its kinda crazy.

once i told my dentist that i had a rlly hard tome finding the motivation to brush my teeth and she legit said "find the motivation"😐 also recently they changed ny dentist w/o telling me bc mine doesnt work weekends anymore and i started crying bc i wasnt told and the lady was like hurting me a lot and she laughed at me😝

anyways dental trauma is a very real thing esp for mentally ill/neurodivergent folks/autistic folks like i wish it was taken more seriously bc it leads to a lot of ppl neglecting their dental health

[alaydabug2]

Tag list: @sparklenarniawizard @imobsessed123 @nowjumpinthewater @ilikebookssomuch @insert-clever-username-1133

Broken heart/Broken mind

Chapter Seventy-six

(Human AU)

Sophie and Keefe met in the children's hospital when they were little. Because of how long they were confined to the four walls of the hospital, they became very close during their stay.

As the years pass, they wind up being in the same classroom together due to their physical conditions. This makes their bond deepen.

But are they able to handle when life gets tough, throwing problems and complications their way?

Sophie tapped her feet on the waiting room floor. The past few weeks, she was getting shooting pains in her jaw. One trip to the dentist, and it was determined that her wisdom teeth were impacted.

Grady and Edaline were getting her paperwork filled out. Sophie was shaking her leg with anxiety. She had never actually been under anesthesia before. The idea scared her.

Her name was called into the back. Her parents followed her and the doctor to the room.

She sat down in the chair, reaching for Edaline's hand. The chair was leaned back to a lying position.

"Alright, Miss Foster," the doctor said. "Going to give you the laughing gas, now. It's going to make you sleepy, but once you're awake, it'll all be over with."

Sophie nodded. She squeezed her mom's hand as the mask was placed over her face. After a couple of breaths, she started feeling funny.

Her head was fuzzy, and it she felt her heart picking up its pace. It felt familiar. And she didn't like it one bit. Her vision was going out on her now.

She whimpered at the feeling. Grady gently brushed her hair back from her face.

She didn't like how any of it felt. Her eyes were growing heavy. It felt like her throat was closing off on her. It hit her

Seizure.

Sophie ripped the mask off her face, startling the doctor and her parents. She gasped in gulps of fresh air, savoring every one.

"Seizure," she muttered to them. "I was having a seizure."

"Oh, dear, that was the laughing gas," the doctor informed her.

"I don't want it," she murmured.

Her head was hurting now. The kind of hurt that came after a seizure. The feeling of it was way too similar for her to be comfortable with it.

"You don't want it?"

Sophie shook her head. "Uh-uh. I don't like it. Is there I different thing I can have? Or am I able to stay awake?"

The doctor scratched his head. "Well, I wouldn't advise being awake for it. But you can have the IV medications. That should help with the lightheaded feelings."

Sophie hated needles. But she hated the feeling of a prolonged seizure even more, so she resigned to the remaining option.

Once the needle was placed in her hand, the medicine was pushed in through the IV. It hit her system so fast that she didn't have time to prepare for it.

To her relief, it wasn't the same sensation as the gas. Her body felt strangely sluggish. Her eyelids were heavy. She could vaguely feel a slight hum in the back of her mind, closing out her thoughts.

Edaline kissed her forehead and brushed her hair back. She was out like a light.

When Sophie awoke, bright lights were all around her. It took a moment for her to come back into focus.

She could feel the numbness in her face. She could see the fact she was in a car. That her head was resting on Edaline's shoulder. But any other thoughts that weren't obvious statements were all jumbled up and thrown out the window.

Edaline noticed that Sophie was awake. She glanced down in her direction with a soft smile.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

How was she feeling? Any coherent thoughts seemed to flee her mind. After a moment of thinking, she finally came to a conclusion. Sleepy.

She mumbled her response the best she could through the swelling, gauze, and numbness.

It caused a mixture of drool and blood to drip down her chin. Edaline took a damp rag and wiped it off her face.

"Alright, we're almost home, and then you can lay down. Think you can hold out until then?"

She nodded.

When they arrived at the house, she was helped inside and on the couch. The haze of the drugs still in her system lulled her back asleep.

Stirring awake, somebody was lying with her. She glanced over her shoulder to see Keefe on top of her. When did he get there?

She made a small noise to get his attention. He lifted his head and smiled at her. He sat up, massaging her scalp. She decided to save her questions for later because the head scratchies put her back to sleep.

[acepandemi]

Tw: phobias, dentist

I'm currently considering the sheer annoyance that comes with developing a phobia later in life.

Like, I was able to do this Thing for years without issue, and now I suddenly can't anymore? What kind of nonsense is this?

It's the dentist, in my case. For 30 years I had no issue whatsoever going to the dentist, not even a hint of nervousness or apprehension. Which was a good thing, as I have problem teeth (prone to cavities and refusing to grow straight) and needed a LOT of dental work over the years. I've had more cavities filled than I can count, had three different kinds of braces in my early teens (including the external kind, fun times), still have retainers (which have broken twice so far), had a root canal treatment once and even had two of my wisdom teeth removed (I only have/had three and the third refuses to descend, but that also means it doesn't cause issues... yet). No problem at all. Easy peasy lemon sqeezy.

And now I can't even look up some info on my dentist's web page without having the worst panic attack in years? What the flippin' flip?

I've had arachnophobia (fear of spiders) all my life, never really put any thought into it, it was just a part of me. But this, this is something different. It's just happening and getting worse, and yeah there's anxiety and tears and stress.

But it's also just so, so annoying!!! It's just the dentist! The dentist is nice, the dentist is there to help you, going to the dentist has never been a problem ever, and now suddenly it is? This is just stupid!

And the worst part is, it's not even anyones fault. Nobody did anything wrong, The Incident was just sheer dumb luck, but it somehow ruined everything.

(I needed yet another cavity filled about two years ago, and for some reason the anesthetic stopped working mid-procedure. They gave me two more doses, which didn't make any difference, and couldn't give me anymore because, you know, health concerns. But they had to finish the filling, they couldn't send me home with a gaping hole in my tooth. Everyone was so nice and apologetic, but that didn't help because it hurt. So. Bad. I was literally screaming in the chair [think I traumatized a few people in the waiting room that day]. Filling did get finished and I was sent home with so many apologies, and I really don't hold it against the dentist or anyone else, or even dentists in general. But, as is usually the case with me, there was a delayed reaction.)

And now I apparently have a phobia of the dentist. I get tense before my appointments, I've had meltdowns in The Chair because everything about the dentist is now triggering, I've even nearly hit the poor dentist, who is a very nice woman and didn't deserve that. because she startled me with a piece of equipment I was unfamiliar with (she didn't know that, fight or flight response kicked in). Last time the dental hygienist couldn't finish cleaning my teeth because I couldn't take it anymore and had a panic attack. And I've already re-scheduled my latest periodical check-up twice because the thought of going gives me such bad anxiety.

I never used to be like this, and I can't stand it! I wonder if this is how Mum felt after she developed claustrophobia?

(Yes, I know I need to deal with this. I've discussed it with my counselor and we're looking into options. There's apparently a specialized dentist/therapist sort of person at the local hospital that she accompanies another client to that might be able to help. I've already switched dentists when I moved back to my hometown, so that's not the solution.)

I just needed to vent about my annoyance with the situation. I never realized that particular emotion could be involved with developing a phobia.

[fox-bright]

Right after Easter, twenty years ago this month, my mentor sent me a one-way ticket to Pittsburgh, PA, and saved my life.

I'd been more or less disowned a year and a half before--my mother threw me out on the ninth of September, 2001--and I was drowning in sand. I am not a creature of the desert, even if I was raised there, and my hometown was not a loving place for almost anyone to be. And while multiple friends and coworkers had by that point felt it necessary to stop me when I was idly talking about my week and say you know, you don't have to accept this treatment. You know, I believe she loves you, or thinks she does, but that's not GOOD ENOUGH when she treats you like she does, I hadn't yet really come to accept that my mother is who she is. I was miserable, and lonely, and not even allowed to visit  my siblings unless Mom was there, because "I don't know what you'd talk to them about, and I don't think you're righteous."

(I might, it's true, have talked to them about how I was queer. I was more likely to have talked to them about Final Fantasy or something, but I guess we'll never know.)

Mom threw me out when I was nearly nineteen. At twenty, Diane sent me a plane ticket. Her voice down the phone--I'd never heard it before, in the years that I'd been part of the young writer's forum she moderated, the internet back then was mostly text--was warm and gentle and peaceable. I found a room for you, she said. I have friends who can help you get a job. She sent me a Greyhound ticket to Phoenix (along with thirteen dollars in cash, because you could pay extra and give the recipient up to half the value of the ticket) and a plane ticket from Sky Harbor to PIT. I was scared and unsure, but I was so, so tired of being hungry. So tired of not knowing for sure where I was going to sleep next week. And sick at heart from my mother's behavior ("Did you sleep with him?" she asked me, about my fiance; when I quietly but unashamedly said I had, she pulled me forty feet by my braid, her acrylic fingernails digging bleeding grooves into my scalp that ached for months, scars I probably still have). I'd been so comprehensively heartbroken already that I didn't know how I'd survive it, and the trick to surviving suicidality is, do anything else. Even if it means you leave your whole life behind.

And I knew I'd miss my siblings, but fuck, I missed them already, so what the hell.

I got on the bus. I got on the plane. I touched down in the aftermath of a late snowstorm, and I didn't have a coat, and the air felt sharp and tasted like clouds. And Diane was there, smiling, and she started talking and didn't stop until she'd deposited me in my new home.

And then, having gotten me to Pittsburgh, she gave me everything. Took me to this meetup and that interesting park, introduced me to everyone she knew, constantly finagled and jostled and gently prodded me through anxiety and discomfort and into growth and learning and maturity. She took me to doctors and the dentist, which my mother had neglected or denied me when I begged (I was twenty the first time I ever went to a dentist; that's four or five solid years after I started telling my mother that I really needed to see one). She took me shopping for work clothes, and made suggestions about styling and my hair that would help child-sized, baby-faced me look a little more formidable. She didn't, ever, overstep; she always seemed magically to know when it was time to let go and watch me baby-stumble for a while until my feet were steady under me. I was such a very young twenty, half-feral, poorly-socialized and just about absolutely ignorant of how people should behave, and she never once made me feel ashamed of myself.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week. Twenty years. Half my life, just about precisely. All the things I've gotten to do since then--travel; take up a martial art and train and train until I competed on the national level; become an artist's model in paintings all over the world; perform lion dance for a ballet with the love of my life literally supporting me, throwing me into the air; learn to garden and to preserve my own food and to quilt and crochet and put up drywall and take down ancient varnish and unfreeze a pipe and make sourdough bread from starter and so, so many other things--I've gotten to do because of her. Because if she hadn't gotten me out of Cottonwood, within six months I would have been dead.

I love my life. I've had a lot of grief, in twenty years; lost a baby, lost friends to illness or just bad luck, lived with a boyfriend who was the very definition of psychotic and who burned my life down around my ears, chose other partners who weren't what I deserved, until I learned to require the right things. But I worked in my garden today under an unseasonably hot sun, moving wood-chip mulch with a wagon--

--okay, so the garden, right, and the mulch. I wanted this house because of its garden; I spend a lot of time in it, through much of the year. I grow a lot of food and a lot of flowers, and the air is full of birds all day and fireflies all night. Last year the next-door-neighbor on our left had tree people in to take down a couple of trees, and I looked at the deep dumptruckful of fresh tree chips and I wanted it. I knew that a lot of the time tree services have to pay to dump their wood chips somewhere else, and that they find it tedious. And I thought, Diane would just walk on over there, and say hi-ii  the way that she does, and ask for it. Diane would just smile, and--

I raised my chin, and I walked over, and I gave my winningest smile, and I said Hi-ii, I'm Gen, I live right there in the house with the blue roof, and I was wondering, do you guys want a place to dump all that? and fifteen minutes later I had a couple of tons of premium hardwood chip mulch behind my house. I've been transporting it to various places in the garden since, scoop by scoop with a shovel and my little black wagon, and have thickly covered a couple of hundred feet worth of beds so far. I put twenty wagon-loads up front of the house today, making twenty or thirty feet of new garden bed for native pollinator plants to go into in three weeks, and the whole time I was literally singing with how good my life is, how lucky I am, to have my husband, to have my home, to have a place that has kept me safe, to have learned so many things, to live somewhere that I get to experiment and watch things grow and produce baskets and baskets of food from a handful of seeds. Because of work and lessons and effort and continuing to put one foot ahead of the other, yes, I've worked hard to get here. But ultimately--because of Diane.

I don't really know what good parents are like. Dad is a word that means "hurts you and hurts you and hurts you and then disappears," and Mom is a word that means "will eat your heart from the inside and complain the whole time about the taste." But because of Diane...because of her, I do understand, a little.

[caxycreations]

Nowhere Else to Put This

WARNING: VENT, STRONG LANGUAGE

I don't know where to start or where to end

so fuck it

just

gonna go.

I have no job. I've tried, before, several times. Worked at a cotton gin when I was 16, got fired 3 hours in because my supervisor kept telling me to sit down and watch how to do the work, and the manager kept coming by RIGHT as I was sitting back watching. So I got fired 3hrs in for "not doing anything besides watching a man four times my age do ten times my work".

Worked at a burger stand after that, lost that job when they closed down a week later. Unemployed for years after that, then mom talked to her boss and managed to get me a job working in-home care, specifically for my grandmother, who was a client of the company. That was great. $11.50 an hour to keep my grandmas place clean, hang out and chat with her, and run errands? I was already doing that, so all that changed was that now I got paid for it.

Eventually snagged a second job, remodel work for the local walmart, and wound up quitting because it felt so fucking pointless. Two of the managers insisted that the local workers could be dropped because this walmart was so small they could do the work with a third of the team in half the time, and made sure to remind the local workers (aka me, mom, my cousin, and my friend, along with 6-7 others out of the 30-man team) that we were completely expendable, and entirely unwanted.

So I quit that job, focused entirely on the in-home care job for a while longer.

And then I moved. Stupid, idiotic, worthless idea. I moved away to live with my boyfriend in Oklahoma, who promptly dumped me two goddamn weeks after I moved, revealing he only wanted me out there to "save me from that dead-end town", and he had actually been thinking of breaking up with me for a month or more, but wanted to "save me" first.

I wind up there for six months, applying everywhere I can, trapped in his house because nobody will hire me and I can't leave on my own because my anxiety prevents me from driving. Finally, my Dad saves the day, finding out what happened and driving for a day solid to get there and bring me back home.

And I still couldn't land a job. A town where everyone knew me, everyone knew my dad, his word could get ANYONE a job there

Anyone but me. Because everyone heard about the gin situation, and saw me as lazy, all because one person several years ago told me to sit down and watch, and another person misread the situation, and the first never stood up for me.

Now I live with Mom. I'm 25, I've lived on my own multiple times in the past, and moved away once before, and I still wound up back here.

I have problems. I have undiagnosed autism (literally proven, tested and proven, but I pissed off the guy who handled my test and he said he would not diagnose "such a smart-mouthed kid" (context: he wanted me to make a story using random bits and bobs from a plastic bag, and I got frustrated after the sixth time of explaining to him that being put on the spot was making it impossible)

I have diagnosed anxiety (been on anti-depressants, relaxants, and even had a doctor outright TELL me that I should get a support animal to help manage it)

There are things I absolutely can not do on my own. I can't drive. I can't deal with the general public in person. I can't even manage to say hi to a stranger.

And it fucking HURTS.

I need to see a dentist, I need to see a doctor, I need to be re-tested for autism by someone who actually fucking cares so I can get that diagnosis on paper instead of people looking at me like an asshole for saying I'm autistic without documentation.

And the only person who can help me do so is my mom, who consistently neglects both myself AND my little brother, because she can't be bothered to deal with any kind of inconvenience to her desire to sit in bed all day and play Spades on her phone, or to go mow the lawn for the 400th time this week just so she can tell us to do everything because "i've been outside all day".

I try to do what I can, I try to earn what I can. But it doesn't fucking work. I try to stream, and so many people say "oh advertise more, you'll be seen by more people" but that's bullshit. I'm lucky to get one new follower in six months. I've got an internet following 700-people strong across all my platforms, and over 100 of them on my Twitch, and I still struggle to get so much as 6 people viewing on a stream at any given time.

But twitch isn't everything, I also do art commissions, writing commissions, and once-upon-a-time did VRChat Avatar commissions!

I stopped doing Art comms because I'd charge $30 for the same thing others were charging $70-$100 for, and I barely got any interest, and the interest I did get, people would ask me for so much more than I was capable of. So I dropped it to just headshots. Five bucks or less depending on the quality asked of me, and it STILL doesn't get me anything.

Writing comms? I've gotten ONE writing comm request in the 7 years I've been offering them, and you wanna know what it was? Some fuckin weirdo asking for, of all things, an NSFW PAW PATROL FIC. I'm sorry, my moral compass might be grey half the time but even on my most morally defunct day I wouldn't write that for any amount of money.

avatar comms? I was actually half good at! Got a few people ordering from me, and it was good money cause I could land $60-$70 comms that took like 2-3 days to do. But then I lost access to the popular model, and people stopped wanting the work, and the few that still did wanted me to do things with models I physically could not do. One client had an asymmetrically patterned oc and INSISTED on using the Terris Wolf, which btw, is LOCKED as a symmetrical texture. The texture wrap is literally just one half of the model, mirrored onto the other half, and the only way to fix that would be to fully unwrap the model in Blender and make a whole new custom texture, WHICH I CAN'T DO because every time I open Blender I get an actual physical headache looking at it. So I stopped because people kept asking me for things I couldn't do, even things that were in my ToS as "Cannot/Will Not Do".

I have no work. I have no income besides the pathetic $50-$60 I make every 3-4 months from streaming.

And when I vent about this, so many people say "I wish I could help you, but I'm going through so-and-so"

I don't want a handout! I accept tips and donations sure, but it's because I can't fucking afford to turn them down! Do you think if I had any reasonable income I'd be asking people to give me money for nothing besides the goodwill of helping me? NO! Because I don't want to be a charity case!

I have a very, VERY capable mind, and very capable hands, and a willingness to learn whatever skill or skills I need to in order to do a job. The problem is I can't work public jobs, I need something that doesn't require driving, and all the work-from-home stuff is either "work hard and one day you might make minimum wage if you're lucky!" or "requires X years experience, bachelor's or greater degree in X field, and must hold X certification"

There are "entry-level" DATA ENTRY jobs that demand certifications! Can you believe that??? Certified, for what? Pushing fuckin buttons? Data entry isn't that fuckin complicated.

I just

I want to earn income.

I hate being given something for nothing. I hate feeling like I owe people, or like the only reason I have something is because someone else decided I was worth it.

I'm worth it to me, I want to buy myself things, I want to be able to afford replacements and repairs when things break or wear down, I want to be able to pay for my own groceries, I want to be able to buy my own clothes, and I want to earn the money used to do so.

I hate feeling so fucking useless, so hopeless. I've spent YEARS improving the few marketable skills I do have, and it's led to a state of living where I can't even afford to buy groceries without asking my boyfriend to pay for them, and I fucking hate it. It's not his responsibility to provide for me, it's mine, and I'm tired of relying on everyone around me for the most basic shit.

Sorry to spill this here. Nowhere else fucking cares and the people I normally vent to have heard this all before and I don't want to bother them with it.

[soursturniolo]

scare, alternate ending • matt sturniolo

pairing: matt sturniolo/fem!reader

summary: matt and you handle a pregnancy scare. alternate ending to the original scare

tags: angst and then fluff, with some humor sprinkled in. happy ending.

tw: light discussion of periods and pregnancy

It feels like my heart stops as I look at the calendar on my phone.

9 days late. And I’m never late.

I noticed this morning that my box of tampons still sat in the cabinet, unopened, in Matt and I’s shared bathroom. I hadn’t thought anything of it, until I opened my calendar to see when my next dentist appointment is.

I swallow dryly as I lock my phone and slip it back into my pocket, dropping down to sit on Matt and I’s bed. All I can think about is that damn calendar. 9 days late. 9 whole days. One or two days is normal I guess, but nine entire days?

I can feel my thoughts spiraling already. Matt and I are safe. I’m on a good birth control and we use condoms often. But even those aren’t foolproof. I do remember forgetting my pill twice this month.

Oh god. What if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready for a kid right now.

Oh god, and Matt. Matt isn’t ready either. With his career and plans with his brothers there’s no way this could even work right now. It would ruin everything. I feel tears of worry and anxiety fill my eyes and begin to drop down my cheeks.

My thoughts just continue to spiral and spiral, until I feel the bed dip next to me. I turn to see Nick, who had stayed behind with me while Matt and Chris went out to pick up some groceries.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” He asks concerned, his arm wrapping around my shoulder, pulling me into a side hug as we sat together.

I open my mouth to speak as my eyes meet his, but all that comes out is a sob. My hand moves to cover my mouth as more sobs follow. Nicks face creases in worry as his other arm wraps around me, pulling me into a hug as he rubs my back soothingly.

“Deep breaths, babe. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay,” he tells me, making me jerk back as I shake my head.

“No it won’t! He’s going to hate me!” I cry.

“If you’re talking about Matt, that kid could never hate you,” Nick tells me, voice calm and reassuring.

“I don’t know, Nick,” I laugh without humor, “this might.”

“Did you cheat?” Nick asks face calm, but apprehensive.

“No! God no,” I immediately answer.

Nick gives a small smile at the quick response.

“Okay, highly doubted it when I asked anyway,” he laughs, “but I don’t know what else could have you so upset thinking he’s going to hate you. You can talk to me, I want to help. What’s wrong?” He asks again.

I sigh. Nicks my best friend. He’s how I met Matt in the first place. I really wanted to just talk to Matt about this first, but with LA traffic and all Matt probably won’t be back for another hour. I don’t think I can survive another hour keeping this all bottled up.

“Nick, it’s bad,” I begin, voice shaken.

“I don’t care how bad, I’m here,” he immediately responds.

I take a deep breath.

“I’m late.” I state.

If this wasn’t so serious, Nicks reaction would have been funny. He stares at me blankly for a moment, before his head cocks to the side a bit in confusion.

“Like, to an appointment?” He asks, lost.

“No, Nick,” I sigh, shaking my head, “my period is late” the last part comes out like a whisper.

Once Nick connects the dots his jaw drops open a bit in surprise, confirming my feelings.

“See! It’s so bad, Nick, this is so bad!” I yell, jumping up from the bed and beginning to nervously pace in front of where Nick sits, still shocked.

“N-no, it’s not bad!” He stutters as he watches me with wide eyes.

I stop pacing and just look at him.

“Really? Not bad? Your jaw dropped open like that because you were trying to catch a fly, then?” I ask sarcastically.

“Listen, I just got confronted with the fact that my best friend and brother fuck, I needed a second,” he defends, hands up.

“Nick, we’ve been dating a year. We dont go to bed and play clash of clans together,” I tell him, making him roll is eyes.

“I know! I know but I also don’t think about it and now we kinda have to think about it and I don’t like it!” Nick exclaims.

“Don’t think about it!” I yell back.

We pause for a minute, staring at each other before we both crack smiles at how ridiculous this has become. We laugh and I return to sitting next to him. Nick wraps his arm around my shoulder again and rests his head against mine.

“So, how late are we talking?” He asks, getting back to the important point.

“9 days,” I whisper.

“Okay. Not horrible. Could be later,” he says, nodding. I nod too. A moment of silence passes as I nervously pick at my nails and Nick stares at the wall, thinking.

“Well, I think we know what we gotta do.” He says, softly.

I turn to him, knowing too.

“Let me call Matt, he should still be at the store with Chris. They can pick up a test,” Nick says. I take another shaky breath before nodding in agreement. I get my phone out and go to Matt’s contact, dialing his number before handing my phone to Nick.

“Hey baby,” Matt’s voice comes through the speaker softly.

“Hey, it’s Nick,” Nick says, earning a confused noise from Matt.

“Nick? Why do you have her phone? Is she okay?” He asks quickly, his concern making me smile softly despite the stressful situation.

“Um,” Nick pauses, which only worries Matt further.

“‘Um’, isn’t a good answer when a guy asks about his girlfriend, Nick,” Matt responds quickly.

“Sorry, she’s okay, but we need you to pick up something else for her while you’re at the store,” Nick says.

“Okay, what?” Matt asks.

Nick looks at me, encouraging me to speak. I take a breath before taking the phone out of Nicks hands, taking it off speaker and holding it to my ear.

“I need a pregnancy test,” I tell him softly.

I cringe as there’s a moment of silence on the other end of the line.

“Okay, I can grab that. Do you need anything else, sweetheart?” He asks softly. I smile again despite the tears I can feel coming again.

“No, that’s it,” I whisper.

“Okay, we’ll be back soon, I love you,” he tells me.

“Love you too” I say back before hanging up.

Nick and I move downstairs, where he puts on a movie for us to distract us while we wait. I let myself be pulled into its predictable plot line as we wait for Matt and Chris to come home.

We both are startled out of our focus on the movie when we hear the front door unlock, followed by it opening to reveal Matt coming in with a mostly empty plastic bag in his hand, while Chris came in carrying the other groceries. Nick moves to help Chris and grabs some of the heavier bags from him, both of them walking to the kitchen while Matt walks over to me.

I stand as he meets me by the couch. He looks surprisingly calm, while meanwhile I feel like my insides are shaking with the anxiety I’m feeling right now. He gives me a small smile before wrapping me in his arms. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I relax into his arms, resting my head against his chest. He gives me a gentle squeeze as I feel him press a kiss to my head.

“Let’s head to our room, baby,” he whispers, pulling back from the hug and grabbing my hand to lead me that way. Once in his room, he hands me the bag with the pregnancy test in it before sitting on his bed. Before walking to our bathroom, I pause.

“Matt, I need to know what this will mean,” I tell him.

He gives a small smile and holds his hand out to me. I walk over and grab it. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, before bringing it up to lips to give it a kiss.

“We’ll do it together. Whatever it is. Sure, I thought kids would be later. But, if now is the time, now is the time. I think I’d be more freaked if this was with some random girl. But with you? I know whatever happens, we will be just fine,” he tells me, before giving the back of my hand another kiss.

“You promise?” I ask.

“I swear,” he tells me.

I smile and nod, before heading to the bathroom. The test is quick and easy, and I’m soon done. I leave the test on the bathroom counter, set my timer for fifteen minutes, and come back out to sit next to Matt on our bed. I rest my head on his shoulder as Matt wraps his arm around me. We just quietly sit, both of us lost in our thoughts as we wait, only to be shaken out of our trances by my phone loudly going off.

I sigh as I stand and walk back to the bathroom to grab the test. I pick it up, careful to not flip it over to show the result, and walk back out to Matt. I stop in front of him. He gives me another reassuring smile as his hands come up to rest on my hips.

“Ready?” I ask, voice cracking.

“Yeah, baby,” he says.

I take a deep breath, knowing this small test in my hand could change everything for the both of us. But I look at Matt, looking up at me with so much warmth and comfort in his eyes, and it’s not so scary anymore.

I flip the test over, both of our eyes moving to see the result.

Two little lines that change everything. It's positive.

My eyes immediately fill with tears, overflowing and hot as they run down my cheeks. My eyes move from the test to trail up to Matt's face. His eyes are wide as they stare at the result in shock, but I watch as a smile overtakes his face, his eyes moving from the test to my face as he beems at me.

"Baby! We're having a baby!" he cheers, dropping the test as he scoops me up in his arms, twirling me around. Despite the fear and anxiety I feel, I find myself smiling and laughing at his excitement. After a moment of us both giggling as he joyfully swung me around, he sets me back on my feet gently, his hands coming up to cup my cheeks and brush my tears away with his thumbs.

"I know this isn't how we expected this to happen, or even when we expected it, but I swear to you that I'm all in. One hundred percent. I'll be with you every step of the way. Every day, every appointment, every late night and early morning, I'm here and I'm always going to be here. I love you so much, sweetheart, and I love our little us just as much already," he tells me softly but devotedly. He means every word with his heart and soul, but I never had any doubts about him to begin with.

"I know, Matty. I love you too." I whisper to him, my voice breaking as tears start falling again.

"I know, I know this is sudden and scary and it's going to be a big life change for us, but we have each other always. I know you will be the best mom to our baby. I am so lucky to have you, and to be doing this with you. You don't have to be scared, I'm right here with you," he says, leaving a soft kiss on the top of my head as he pulls me into his arms, holding me so gently against him.

It's all suddenly so real. I'm having a baby with the love of my life, the best and most kindhearted man I've ever known. I pull Matt even closer to me, cupping his face and pulling his lips against mine for a sweet kiss, soft and full of all the love we have for each other and this new little life we will have.

We slowly pull away from each other, soft smiles painting both of our faces when we suddenly hear a loud thud from the hallway. Matt raises an eyebrow and walks towards our closed bedroom door, and I follow. Matt opens the door to find both of his brothers laying on the floor outside of his door, all tangled up in a heap, Chris on top of Nick who is caught in the middle of cursing Chris out as soon as the door opened.

"God damn it Chris, the one fucking time you really need to be careful you fucking flop on me like a goddamn elephant you stupid— oh, ha ha, hi there matthew," Nick says, voice quieting even more and looking sheepish at being caught eavesdropping. I stiffle a laugh at the two of them laying on the floor, as I look up to see Matt looking at his brothers with an irritated look but some fondness still in his eyes.

Chris, however, has no shame in being the clumsy one to get them caught, and instead quickly rises to his feet and grabs Matt in a bear hug, despite Matt stiffening up and turning to look at me with a loof as if asking for help. I stiffle a laugh and shake my head at the antics of the soon to be uncles.

"You're going to be a dad! Can we start buying cute baby shit now?!" Chris asks us both excitedly, still squeezing Matt in his arms. I smile and nod as I move to join in on the hug, Nick following to join in too. We already have such a good little family here, and I feel overwhelmed with happiness and excitement in adding to it.

note: woo its been 5 months since I posted the original version of this story. I'm so so sorry it's taken so long for the alternate version I promised but life has been a whirlwind. I'm hoping this will be the start of getting back into writing and creating :) love u all always ♥

tag list members; @secret-sturniolo @sturniolopepsi @christinarowie332 @mangosrar @cupidsword @st4rswrld @biimpanicking @bernardenjoyer @lovingsturniolo @sturnphilia @mxqdii @oh-toseewithoutmy-eyes @its-jennarose @fionaheartswomen @hedgehogperalta @thetriplets3 @lilsxo10 @recklesssturniolo @meg-sturniolo @flowerxbunnie @mlimmm @querenciasturniolo @jjmaybankswifes-blog @leah-loves-lilies @0-r-a-y-0 @sturnioloslut-b @sturnioloenthusiast @sturnworld @sturns-posts

[idrathereatcake]

I slacked off a good bit on doing my teeth. Many ways of taking care of myself just.. goes south when I am feeling low mentally. My teeth have been no good with issues I was born with and one day it got to the absolute peak of pain and bad. Pain I've never felt before (which is saying something since I've been in absolute torture because of my mouth) and finally ALLLL this time later and many dentists later they were fixed up and bad ones taken out. Even the one that had nerves all over it. My mouth swelled up once on my left side and half my face was paralyzed.. I couldn't eat or sleep because I felt so pukey from the really bad anxiety. Finally I was on really strong antibiotics and the dentist had to cut my gums to get the infected lump in my mouth gone and pull a few teeth. My teeth journey has been torture. But I again slacked off way too much so I know this cleaning today won't feel good and I know a few needed fixed anyway but definitely now. With me on weight loss shots and beginning to take care of myself whether I like it or not imma just tell them the truth about me being so low and having a hard time doing things and then having them fix them and never letting them get bad again. Even if I have to be drug into the bathroom. I'm definitely on the audhd spectrum somewhere and brushing my teeth was something that wasn't too fun to do. But ofc I'm a big grown ass 28 year old who needs to get it together. Please light all your candles and say all your prayers for my mouth today because I always get nervous even for cleanings and I'm afraid of the pain. 😅

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

🦷 Improving My Dental Self-Care 🦷

Hello, friends. Mod Lia here. Today I am sharing a self-care experiment with y'all.

I've always had great luck with my teeth—I have a slight overbite for which I declined Invisalign, but otherwise, I've never needed orthodontia. I've never had a cavity. My wisdom teeth extraction went incredibly smoothly. I like my teeth and they have yet to cause me major issues (🤜🪵).

However...

I work at a pediatric dentistry now. Naturally, having been privy to various mouth-related horror stories over the past couple months, I've developed some dental anxiety. It's not entirely unfounded, either; I know my oral hygiene could be much improved, and that's what I'm planning to work on!

This post is going to be VERY long and VERY detailed, so buckle up.

📣 DISCLAIMER:

I bought products from Amazon for this little experiment. In general, I get most of what I buy off the internet, as I can't drive, don't have access to functional public transportation, and live in a forest. I also do not make a livable wage, so I pinch pennies whenever I can, and Amazon tends to be more affordable than other options.

That said, it is absolutely an evil corporation that exploits its employees, harms the environment, strangles small businesses, monopolizes whole industries, and perpetually bloats Jeff Bezos' inordinate wealth. I very much want to achieve a situation where boycotting Amazon is more logistically and financially realistic for me. I do not feel good about supporting such an unethical company, and I want you to know that I'm aware of its issues.

Also: while I need to conserve money (especially since this year I'm finally moving in with my partner [Mod Cass] and our dear friend), I do have the privilege of indulging in some monetary laxity, as I live with my parents and don't have to pay rent. Not everyone has that advantage, and I realize how fortunate I am. Many people would be unable to drop ~$60 like I did.

😁 Things I Do Well:

I brush my teeth every night. I always have. I have severe depression and pretty bad executive dysfunction, but that's something I've managed to do consistently.

If it's not plain tap water, I'm almost certainly drinking it through a straw.

I've seen a dentist every six months for as long as I can remember.

I keep a toothbrush and toothpaste by my bed. When I'm intoxicated or the executives are Dysfunctioning, I can start brushing my teeth in bed. By the time I'm done, I'm almost always able to get up and spit into the sink, but I do have an empty bottle I can spit into if necessary (I've done that once or twice, but I emptied, washed, and disinfected the bottle in the morning). Gross? Whatever. No shame in doing what you have to do to work with your brain.

I chew sugar-free gum almost daily, which stimulates saliva production, which in turn prevents decay.

After buying coconut oil for skincare initially, I was pleasantly surprised to find that oil pulling (swishing oil in your mouth) actually works for me. It's very low-effort and I've been doing it for 15–25 minutes every night. Studies suggest oil pulling may help prevent plaque, gingivitis, and bacterial build-up.

⚠️ Areas of Concern:

I have a mild enamel defect on some of my back teeth.

I occasionally swish 1.5% hydrogen peroxide around my mouth as a teeth whitener. I doubt this is significantly harmful, since my dentist has me do it before cleanings and I checked with my doctor that it wouldn't hurt me. But H2O2 is caustic, so I'm certain it can't be good for my teeth.

I put Mio energy drops in the water bottle I drink from at work. Their second ingredient is citric acid; acidic substances corrode your enamel.

I'm very prone to BFRBs (body-focused repetitive behaviors), presumably related to my likely OCD. For this reason, it's a struggle to put down the toothbrush, and I brush my teeth—hard—for 5–20 minutes at a time. Brushing your teeth too vigorously for too long is rough on your enamel and gums.

I use CBD vape juice as a nightly tincture to help me sleep. The second ingredient is propylene glycol, which apparently breaks down into various acids.

I've tried many times, but I've never been able to consistently brush my teeth twice a day. Or floss. Thanks, brain xoxo

Since I don't brush my teeth in the morning, I eat a lot of mints so I don't inflict morning breath on people 😫 Sucking on hard mints exposes your teeth to sugar for prolonged periods (and you can damage your enamel if you bite them).

❗ DISORDERED EATING TW - I am relapsed. I eat little in the mornings and do not eat at work. This is very very dangerous and once caused a medical crisis in front of my coworkers, so I keep hard candy in my purse for harm reduction purposes. It's a great source of fast-acting glucose when I get hypoglycemic, but it carries the same issues I mentioned with hard mints. HOWEVER, preventing another crisis is my top priority, so I am NOT getting rid of the hard candy. ❗

🎯 Goals:

Stop whitening my teeth with hydrogen peroxide.

Start brushing my teeth more gently and for less than 5 minutes at a time.

Brush my teeth in the morning.

Floss more nights than not.

Remineralize my teeth using enamel-strengthening products.

Use some protective measure (e.g. mouthwash, gum, oil pulling) after eating mints or candy, taking my CBD tincture, or drinking my flavored (albeit sugar-free) water.

🪥 Products:

Soft toothbrushes ($4.39) - Not only do I need to be more gentle on my teeth, but I've always found brushing my teeth more pleasant with soft-bristled brushes. I don't know why I haven't been buying them; I guess in my head they're a "kid" thing 🙄

Floss picks ($3.69) - I was significantly better about flossing my teeth when I used floss picks as a child. They're not as effective as regular floss, but I think they're easier and more pleasant to use—good for executive dysfunction. Again, I've been avoiding them because I've thought of them as a "kid" thing, which is silly.

Xylitol gum ($10.22) - The sugar-free gum I currently chew is sweetened with xylitol, a sugar substitute that research suggests could aid in cavity prevention. However, Mentos Pure Fresh gum in particular is one of only eight chewing gums approved by the American Dental Association. And it's good.

Alcohol-free fluoride mouthwash ($4.82) - Alcohol is acidic, carcinogenic, drying, and an irritant, so it's no good in mouthwash. Conversely, appropriate doses of fluoride support enamel health. Not sure about this violet mint flavor, though...

Fluoride toothpaste ($11.49) - Due to my distrust of hydrogen peroxide, I did some research and found a study that failed to identify any concerns with H2O2 toothpastes, so that's how I will replace my whitening** rinse (though I did opt for the Colgate variant with less H2O2). It will be far milder than actual H2O2, and more importantly, it contains fluoride.

**Note: No one needs to whiten their teeth. Enamel is slightly translucent and the underlying dentin is yellow, so yellow-y teeth are perfectly natural, and sometimes healthier than intentionally whitened teeth. A smile is beautiful regardless of its color, and I do believe this! I see sooooo many adorable, charming, lovable kids at work who don't have "perfect" straight white teeth. Unfortunately, I am not immune to arbitrary societal pressure, and I know that for now I'll still want to use a teeth whitener. At the very least, I'd rather use one I'm sure is safe.

Nano-hydroxyapatite (n-HA) toothpaste ($11.95) - n-HA is the synthetic form of a naturally occurring mineral compound that comprises most of our enamel. Research shows that n-HA's enamel benefits are equivalent to fluoride's (actually, n-HA produces slightly more uniform remineralization), but their mechanisms of action are different, so I want to try both. n-HA is more expensive, though!

Fluoride-free toothpaste ($8.72) - If I'm going to brush my teeth more often, I need a toothpaste I can default to if at times I feel like the other ones are too expensive or don't taste as good. I heard that this one has a nice subtle flavor, and it comes in spearmint, which I prefer to peppermint. Also, like most ED folk, I have stomach issues sometimes. When my stomach is sensitive, I don't want to risk exposure to fluoride, since it can hurt your stomach if swallowed (though n-HA is safe to ingest).

Total cost: $55.28 ($57.77 with tax) - That's a lot of money, and way more than I ever wanted to spend on dental care products. However, all this stuff is gonna last me a while, and it's worth the price if it means my oral health might improve.

📑 Plan:

I will brush my teeth with fluoride toothpaste in the morning. At night I'll oil-pull before using my n-HA toothpaste, a floss stick, and fluoride mouthwash.

I will use my non-fluoride toothpaste if I ever, for whatever reason, don't feel like using the other two. If the other two end up tasting bad, then I'll just alternate them for my night brushing and use the non-fluoride one in the morning, when I'm more likely to be put off from brushing.

I will set a 5-minute timer on my phone when I brush my teeth. Once it goes off, I have to stop. Ideally, I'll work my way down to the recommended 2–3 minutes.

If I don't feel like brushing, I give myself full permission to brush in bed or just quickly swipe my toothbrush over my teeth. If that's still too much, I can use mouthwash or gum instead.

I will bring a bottle of plain tap water to work to sip from (and thereby rinse my mouth) after taking a drink of my flavored water.

I will chew Mentos Pure Fresh gum after eating a mint or hard candy.

I will use mouthwash or a brief oil pull after taking my CBD tincture at night. (I could also brush my teeth, but I do worry about rubbing any acidic byproducts into my enamel.)

I will offer myself understanding, compassion, forgiveness, encouragement, and validation no matter how my self-care experiment goes. I am trying to get better, and I am not a failure if it turns out to be harder than I anticipated.

I will update this post by reblogging it with my progress!

[bandofchimeras]

PDA stuff & long diary life update for those who care!

started sort of arguing with a popular neurodivergency Twitter person (not really, but got defensive) over the idea of PDA being a myth or a grab bag for those of us with severe burnout, etc. I'm open to not being CORRECT on this, but personally I've found both good and bad things in the diagnosis, the label, and community self-understanding, as with any diagnosis....its all based on a pretty flawed and pathologizing system. so why attack PDA in particular?

anyhow, on a personal level, today I stayed up into my natural noctural habitat to chop vegetables and make borscht. its a long, tedious process at my rate, and took two days + leaving the vegetables out overnight to do, but now its done! and yummy healthful soup for the rest of the week. :)

I'm slowly chipping away at rebuilding life and haven't tackled doctors, dentists, pharmacist, therapist aspect yet because of feeling vaguely unsure about where I will actually end up living once this couchsurfing period is over. its such an ordeal I don't want to repeat it again....but my teeth need urgent care, and meds are gonna be essential for any kind of work. which i've also been avoiding.... February is historically the hardest month for me to get thru. every year. have delved into other things astrologically but February...well I guess natal Uranus square Venus, Sun and North Node/Pluto plus oppositon Mars....that's a rough transit. But its probably the weather. Okay on to the PDA/ADHD/sensory/wtf bullshit I wanted to write about:

today I slowed wayyyyy down and just noticed in my body where and when resistance came up. It was a huge dark spirally last few days, but today had a few breakthroughs of being honest when my anxiety tempted me to lie/hide, saying no to somebody instead of people pleasing, and calming down before calling my mom, and actually having a pleasant chat.

also addressed the Cat Peeing on Everything issue in a multitude of ways. I felt much stronger in my self-acceptance despite the realization last night that my joints have deteriorated to the point carrying grocery bags disolates them! my life is pretty boring and I'm sort of floating along with no direction, but today instead of spiralling about it, I used the role-play technique to coach myself into a new mindset of "maybe you are not ready to find your purpose yet, just focus on getting the basics down" AND I noticed when my avoidance was coming from sensory needs! and tried to address them before making the demand. it worked pretty decently (turns out when i'm cold i will Not be able to move my body until until its warm??) A huge Axis of PDA is our intense willpower and drive to conform, fit in, understand, mask, etc. among people who are not us, and not like us. I appreciate this about PDAers, this will to understand and adapt, and the determination to succeed despite all setbacks. however, I think due to our slower processing speed, with the demand avoidance interference, we often miss the "steps" involved in success. there may also be some wilful delusion - if they can do it I can do it! that comes from being hypersensitive to the opinions of an ableist collective. so this week for me, i was feeling the weight of "not and never will be enough" and comparison to others. however, deactivating my facebook and slowing down to make soup, going on a sunshine walk, supple,ents, using the happy light, and starting to practice responding at least a little more compassionately but firmly to my own meltdowns....its working. i just have to release the need to do everything, everywhere, all at once. PDAers are characterized by a strong will to not only live, but to feed, to grow, to expand, to be competent. full of ideas and desires!! Unfortunately we often do not receive the accommodations necessary to actually do so or develop missing skills bc of being good at masking, or our disability being demonized as willful, selfish and in need of "breaking" this can be very heartbreaking - but as today showed me in my roommate's gracious reaction to a talk I was very scared to have with them - when you find someone who does accommodate and understand, and are willing, able, and open to connect with them, it is also heart healing. our struggles are an opportunity to exercise deep self acceptance and love for the Self despite physical limitations and inabilities!!! or they can be in the right environment. that's my thoughts for now, now its really past time to go to bed and have wild near lucid dreams again. goodnight!!

.

[corpseaten]

i am up a little early for me and may actually go back to sleep soon, but that is fair! i just....enjoy the feeling of being liked, i suppose. but no one in real life actually knows the true me, so the feeling does not last long. one day.... i have been trying to become more careless, but it is hard! my brother has said i am very guarded before.... 

and would it not be adorable?! i used to play the rip off disney ones and then they would all being going somewhere together, i think that would fit pretty 5 well.... i agree. why is not all shipping tracked. it really should be, not knowing when a package is coming is so worrying, though i suppose it will be a nice surprise when it comes. 

and do not apologize! i enjoy reading your responses. i do not think that sounds stupid at all, really. it is a romantic sentiment. in terms of me being hardworking, well, i do not like to be idle. even though i spend my days at home now, i am constantly making sure i am occupied. if i am busy, the bad thoughts cannot get me..!! plus, someone had to do the work, and if you want something done right, you should do it yourself.. though i was only ever allowed to design and build props, i am forever barred from actually working the props table. i get too neurotic! though it is hardly my fault at times, how hard is it to put something down in the same place you got it from? sorry that i want things done perfectly! 

and well, like i said, i do not like to be idle. plus, my mom has always pushed me into doing at least one extracurricular.... she was very popular and busy in high school, so she believes we should be the same way, to an extent. theatre was the easiest for me since i had always enjoyed it, but i really was quickly getting burned out! everyone there is so horrible and draining. even though i am online now, my mom still makes me do something as she believes i need to socialize, so i do attend my school's trivia team club once a week. it is okay. the best part is that sometimes they give us snacks during it. i am not sure how many game shows you have seen, but imagine any buzz-in trivia game show but with a bunch of nerdy high schoolers.. i really would prefer to stay home, but alas! 

Good Morning! This is early for you ? our timezones must be vastly different. If you are still sleepy, I say sleep. If they do not know the real you, it’ll be easier to separate from people , so, I think thats a good thing! I don’t think anyone has ever seen me either, I’ve never really gone crazy in person, usually i am just quiet. You have a brother ? I do not have any siblings myself, I suppose that makes it easier to care less about other people as there are less around me to ignore, I could try give you advice though it likely will be bad , as I am not good at giving it.

It would be ! I do not remember which ones I played, I just remember I would always be annoyed as there wouldn’t be enough clothing options . . . i was picky even as a little girl. I remember there used to be a lot of games about elsa floating around on the internet, like weird dentist ones . . shivers. You are so right, that would suit them well. I have an ita bag coming but thankfully it is fully tracked . . . not knowing things fills me with an awful anxiety.

I’m glad that you do then, I enjoy reading yours as well. I am quite the romantic, I must admit, so It’s good it comes off that way and not. overly pathetic ! That does make sense, I know a lot of people like that, not myself though, i’d happily lay in bed all day and do nothing at all, my bad thoughts will be here regardless, so i have just learnt to settle with them, like a blanket of nails! Making them sounds interesting, how talented you are ! You’re right, sometimes, you just have to be the change you want to see, as annoying as that is. Is it easy to make you annoyed ? you sound a little talking about that . . I am guessing you are also a perfectionist! okay shu itsuki . .

That is pretty odd of her — you should be your own person and not follow her influence, just because it was good for her does not mean it is good for you. I am the complete opposite from my mother, she’s confident, sporty and very chatty, and, she doesn’t have a problem with me being a recluse. It is very draining, which is why I plan on never doing it again, it’s good that now you’ll have less to do as you’re at home, snacks are nice, that sounds like a good club to be in, I have never been in a club as I would rather be at home! I have seen some occasionally, that sounds a little silly . . why do they even have a club for that, I wonder. Ahhh maybe you could start saying you are feeling unwell and stay home? I do that to get out of things a lot.

[hanakogames]

the unreliable narrator of the mind

As a child who read very dramatic stories I was always fascinated by the concept of "passing out" (which is a lot less romantic for most people to whom it actually happens!)

While I have gotten light-headed several times (including once at the dentist where they did actually swivel the chair around to put my head down for a moment) there's only really once in my life that I know of where I might have actually fainted. And it's a might-have because I was pretty confused at the time and decades later my memory of the incident is even worse so this could be absolute fiction by this point.

What I think I remember happening was:

I was maybe 11-13, at school, wearing a pretty new dress that I liked.

I twirled around to make the skirt flare.

Then I was slumped awkwardly with my arm flung over the back of a chair and other people in the room were laughing at me. Having terrible social anxiety, my reaction of course was to laugh a little at myself and escape the scene, rather than to ask "what just happened?"

(No, no one asked if I was all right. I was the least popular kid in school.)

Got quite a colorful bruise at the point on my inner arm where it hit the chair.

What I told myself at the time was "Obviously I was showing off, tripped somehow, flailed my arms and caught myself on the chair, and my brain just Failed To Record the whole tripping-and-falling process which is absolutely normal because no one ever remembers what falling down feels like, right?"

And that is sort of true for me? My brain does seem to discard or at least blunt memories of injury, the specific feelings of pain or whatever, for my own good. I don't actually remember what the impact when I fell off the train this year felt like. I do vaguely recall the sickening feeling of missing the step but not the specific bang of hitting the platform. I remember that even at the time I was focused on getting my leg to safety immediately before allowing myself to process the pain enough to scream. I don't know how much anyone remembers "falling" or "hitting". We don't need to relive those moments in perfect clarity, they suck.

But also at the time I wondered why it had all seemed so confusing and why I couldn't really remember tripping, if that's what had happened. Had I, somehow, fainted?

And then I told myself no, that's not possible, you're being overly dramatic, you're deliberately pushing back the memory of tripping because it's embarrassing and you'd like to imagine that you wilted like a fantasy heroine. People don't faint just from doing a single skirt twirl.

and that's *probably* true? Certainly it never happened again. It seems somewhat unlikely that a child without any relevant medical conditions would totally black out and drop just from turning around too fast. And I was prone to trying to repress unpleasant memories at that time. But I'll never know. I certainly didn't dare ask anyone who'd been in the room with me exactly what they saw and why they were laughing.