#i have like 15 things ive been needing to do recently and ive been doing NONE OF THEM

[starfilled-galaxy]

I should add chronic procrastinator to my pinned post...

[ghastbutlikegay]

guys. guys queer people are so amazing and beautiful.

[dunmeshi-darlings]

The fact ive been seeing people in the dungeon meshi fandom not understanding the life cycles and how that impacts ages of maturity among the various races, and using that as a means to attack or insult other fans is quiet disheartening.

Because they have been shown in the anime recently ive seen this alot with characters such as inutade and leed and more so when izutsumi appears. i cant be to upset because as much as i enjoy kui and her work, alot of major facts arnt in the story itself and are in the daydream hours and seperate content.

But people arnt realizing that the different races arnt like the real world, they dont grow at the same age and rate and have different life spans because of it and so people are getting aggressive towards others over character ages when in reality they dont know how it really is.

Leed is one i want to talk about, orcs only live around 55 years. And they clearly grow at a much faster rate than races such as elves or gnomes. Leed is 14 years old, but at that point she is a fully grown orc woman. Yes she has only just become one but in orc society she is an adult, we see this when she thinks she is going to be wed off to laios later in the story when he becomes king. If she wasnt fully grown then i do not believe kui would have shown that scene. But because of orc aging she is in fact a grown woman.

My other example being inutade, once more we see another race with a shorter lifespan who clearly age at a faster rate than elves or gnomes. Inutade being 16 actually puts her past what oni age of maturity is because they mature at 15. Tade is a fully grown oni woman. And if we look at daydream hour 88 we see this art of her. Whether you view it in a sexual light or not is up to interpretation and it could go either way. But because of the type of person kui is, i dont believe she would have drawn tade like this if she viewed her as underage.

I have more photos of the race bios to show them off but what im saying is that there needs to be an understanding that because these fantasy races have varrying life spans, the ones who live shorter lives would make sense to mature in less time than the other ones. I want people to understand this because ive been seeing people saying truly despicable and mean things about other people and it breaks my heart to see.

Ive seen some people say that maturity ages are what they are becaus the shorter lived races die becaues it is like medieval times and so people died younger, but with magic healers and spells that really isnt something i think can be pointed to for why certain ages die at certain times.

[soggyriceee]

Moth To A Flame | Konig NSFW Pt. 2

It had been a week since Konig had been over. Your boyfriend, completely oblivious to what happened, remained the same loving, caring man. But you couldn't look at him the same. Not when Konig's cum filled you up. " my love, I have a meeting today so ill be home around 10:30. then we can watch that movie too were going on and on about." he spoke from your shared bathroom. as much as you did want to see that movie, you couldn't think about it. you were worried about getting pregnant, like Konig actually said he'd do. "love?" he called out, this time standing in front of you.

"s-sorry. yea we can do that." you smiled, looking up from your phone. he hummed and fixed his tie, still eying you. "you've been very tense recently. are you okay? I can pick you up some tea." he said, a look of worry on his face. it broke your heart. how he was always so worried about you even when he didnt really need to be. it made the realization that you didnt love him as much as he loved you hit you hard. "im okay I just need to get some sleep. call me when you on your way home." you said, pulling the blanket up to cover you.

he sighed before turning away. "okay then. ill still get you some anyways." he said, grabbing his keys and phone. "I love you." he said, walking over and placing a kiss on your forehead, cheek and finally your lips. "I love you too.."

hours had gone by since your boyfriend left. and the whole time all you could think about was Konig. so much so, that you fell and called him. "hello libeling.. ive been waiting for your call." his strong accent and calm voice made you clench around nothing. " Konig im worried about.. about actually getting pregnant. I already feel bad for cheating on him I cant get pregnant with a baby that isn't his either." He was silent on the other end. Until you called his name again. " Its nit cheating if you've been with me this whole time maus.." he said, and you heard him shift on what you think is his bed.

Konig, undoubtably, was crazy. And you knew that. From the second he heard about you getting with another man, he called you. Telling you to leave him willingly, or he'd go there and take you. and although you knew he wouldn't really do it, there was always something in the back of your mind that said he might. " Konig im being serious. if I do end up getting pregnant, ill abort it. ill never speak to you again ill move ill do anything-" "your won't. you know you cant keep yourself away from me libeling." on the other end you heard more shifting, like a belt. silence filled the call until you heard him spit. " just thinking about you getting all fat with my kids maus.. fuck it makes me so hard. to think that were going to live together in a nice house.. fuck.. your tits all swollen." his breathing on the other end grew harder. " thinking about killing your little friend over there.. no no. after you give birth. ill make him.. fucking watch you birth my baby." faint flapping noises could be hear, occasional whimpers from him. quiet, but desperate ones.

you hated him. how even when he wasn't there with you, he could fuck up your relationship so bad. but most of all, you hated how wet you got when he told you these things. "Konig please.." he stopped from the other end.

then

hung up.

you called him 3 times. 4 times. 5 times. no response. by the time you had given up a knock came to your door. you knew it was him. and you knew that answering was not the right answer. but oh how you wanted him. "hi maus." he smirked, looking down at you.

||

"thats it libeling.. geh weiter.. fuck geh weiter"

his hands gripped your hips, helping you move up and down on him. your head was on his shoulder, tears brimming your eyes as you were working on your third orgasm. In 15 minuets. " k-koni fuck it feels so good." you whimpered, your hands gripping his biceps for support. one hand moved from your thigh down to your clit. "I know Schätzchen.. your doing so fucking good.. taking me like this. I bet you wanna get pregnant huh. you wanna-fuck- wanna have my fucking baby." he gave a thrust from below you, hitting your cervix. as much as it hurt, you could stop your body from slamming down on him, wanting to feel it again.

" your mine maus.. mine. he's gonna walk in and see me fucking this pretty little pussy.. and hell start crying." he whispered, leaning to your ear. "hell cry and a-ask you why are you doing this." his other hand moved to your throat, looking at your wet face and plump lips. "and your gonna t-tell him" his hips thrusted up into you again, a groan slipping past his lips. "you'll tell him because you belong to me.. and only me."

his hips moved up into yours fast, keeping his eyes on your face. all of what he said, it made you clench around him more. the more his tip hit into you, the harder you felt your orgasm coming onto you. "come on libeling. paint me with all your cum.. j-just like im gonna.. fuck.. paint your insides with mine."

just as you felt yourself about to cum, you heard your boyfriend car pull up. your face turned pale and you tried to stop. but Konig chuckled, sliding out. "oh is that him?" he pouted, turning you on your stomach, pulling your hips up. "y-yes Konig we have to stop. you need to go now please." tears of anxiety and guilt left your eyes now, not ones of pleasure. but he didnt care. in fact, it made him harder.

"your gonna look as he walks in maus.. your gonna watch his face drop.." he slid in, a groan leaving him. then. he went back to abusing your still soaked cunt. "your gonna watch him as you cum all over me. and your gonna watch him-mmmh~ as I fill you will all. my. cum."

your boyfriends humming got louder and louder, and soon the keys began to jingle. and as scared as you were, Konig's abuse on your g spot made it hard for you to hold in all your moans.

the door opened, your boyfriend stepping inside. the first thing he saw wasn't you. getting fucked on the couch. he dropped everything, his eyes slowly moving to Konig. " im almost done." Konig said, a breathy chuckle leaving him. Konig's hand wrapped around your throat, his eyes locking onto yours. "im cumming maus.." he whispered, his hips jolting forward, pulling all the way back and slamming right back in.

tears flowed from your eyes, your airways closing up. "come on libeling.. cum for me. then it can all be done with.." he whispered, looking over to your boyfriend. tears were falling from his own, his body still frozen in shock.

Konig gave you a few more sloppy but powerful thrusts before finishing, strained groans leaving him as he gripped you closer, and harder. you couldn't stop yourself from also cumming, trying your hardest not to make it noticeable. but you couldn't help it. your body shook, small whimpers leaving your plump lips.

Konig sighed above you, kissing your cheek. he pulled out, watching your boyfriend. "she's all yours." Konig said, pulling up his pants that pooled at his ankled, grabbing his keys and making his way past your boyfriend and out the door, leaving you on the couch dripping both tears and cum.

it was silent. until you moved to sit up. "do I need to call the cops?" he spoke finally. you turned to him. "w-what?" he moved over to you, until he was right in front of you. "he broke in huh. he-he forced you." he said, his voice strained, a vein popping on the side of his neck. you looked away. he sat beside you, taking your hand.

" i didnt.. you dont need to call the cops." you said, wiping your eyes. "we need to move. i.. I love you. and whatever comes out of this we can deal with together. but im not leaving you and you aren't leaving me." he said, his hand tightening around you. you looked at him, confused on what he meant. you couldn't tell if he kn ew you cheated or if he still thought Konig forced you.

"Ill look for apartments in New York. well move there. I have connections from work there. its the perfect place. and far from here." he said, standing. he grabbed a blanket off the floor and gave it to you. you couldn't speak. at all. you were still shocked and confused. " but if you do get pregnant.."

you looked up at him.

" were gonna kill it. I refuse to let you have a baby that isn't mine."

[apolsup]

The super epic polycule cooking

Fhs week day 5

Polyship - Traditional/FolkClothing - Scarring

This started as me joking abt peeling potatoes being the ultimate date idea, I love peeling potatoes so yeah

So basically this is my idea of the different uhh dynamics between each of these guys,

Anyways I'll explain some things bc I've been thinking about this for a while now

I feel like Aiden and Oliver (my Bonnie) were dating for a while now since they've known each other for a long time, Aiden probably confessed first (at like 15) since hes a bit uhhh act first think later. Oliver was like "cool, wanna date then?" And they've been together ever since

Bon is obviously crushing on Oliver, but knows hes dating Aiden, starts hanging out with Freddy (Oliver asked him if it was cool for him to bring him in order to help him out since yknow guitar) and they hit it off, instead of falling into a codependent situationship like my freddon au, they start dating (bc of the little detail of Aiden and Oliver already dating)

So turns out, Aiden and Freddy are kind of developing feelings for each other, Freddy feels SO guilty bc hes crushing on his best friend boyfriend who is also his best friend, he still loves Bon to death but he cant just pick one and forget about the other he just can't. Aiden is having his own internal hell because he loves his boyfriend but yknow why the fuck is he also crushing on his best friend???? But since hes always been honest with Oliver (it took a while to get there) he decides to just tell him. Oliver has never really been someone to care about society's rule, so he's like "ok? Date him then I don't really mind or care dude, it's fine" so now Aiden has to talk to Freddy about this BUT Bon is also in the picture in case he forgot

So Freddy has been feeling awful for days and has no idea how to tell Bon about what the fuck is going on. Aiden decides to talk to him, and is honest, I like you, I still love my boyfriend, I asked him and Oliver said he doesn't mind, but I know about you and jhon- uh Bon, but if hes cool with it id love to take you out on a date or something I don't know...

Freddy of course is feelings #guiltyaf but also relived to know that at least

1. His feelings are not one sided and

2. Oliver is fine with the idea of sharing a partner

Of course hed like to accept but says he needs time to talk to Bon about it but that he also kind of feels some kind of vibe there and leaves, giving him a little bit of hope at least

Now talking to Bon? It was hard, he loves him but knows hes insecure about this topic (love, dating and stuff) so he tries to be as gentle as possible and tells him, I still love you, but ive been developing feelings for Aiden and uhmm recently he told me that hes been crushing on me and already confirmed with Oliver, and hes fine with it so he wants to like uhmm take me out but I didn't want to give him an answer until I talked about this with you and uhhh yeah I think thats all I still love you I promise I just need to know what you think about this

Bon is surprised, stunned, shell shocked even. He takes his time to think and talk to Freddy. Long story short, he accepts but needs a hell of reassurance that everything between them is fine. After this emotional talk, he timidly asks Freddy about Oliver, Freddy is surprised to see that he still has some small bit of hope in there but smiles and squeezes his hand, he tells him that he could give it a shot and hed be completely supportive and help out if he needed it, but he didn't know how or what would Oliver say if he did ask him out

So how do Bon and Aiden start dating? Well since they're metamours they have to at least be neutral to each other, at some point when they are all hanging out Aiden and Bon would have to interact more, turns out Aiden is kinda cool and okay maybe a little cute. Aiden thinks Bon is nice and its fun to watch him get nervous about horror topics, over flirting with Freddy or other things so they like each other at least enough to consider each other a friend. Time passes and turns out they like-like each other, by this moment they're used to the whole 'polyamory' thing and after giving a heads up to their partners (they both knew way before them) they go out together and well now they're dating too! After talking Aiden also hypes Bon up to ask Oliver out, he tells him "look ive seen some sparks between you two especially when you're playing the guitar, I know Oliver and im sure he'll accept!" So he does, and surprise! He accepted yay!!

So Bon and Onni have some story, way before meeting the animatronics he used to hang out with the nightmares (he used to be way edgier than how he was when he met the gang, his teenage angst was perfect for them!) And got along great with Onni since they had the smallest age gap (a year) theres two aus where they have a story, one where they were dating and Bon broke up with him due to changing and leaving the nightmares behind to befriend and form the toys with the girls, so Onni tries to get him back but is ignored. In the other, Onni has a crush on him but Bon rejects him due to his father being, well his father and not providing a safe space for his kid to realize who he is (Bon did return his feelings but got scared and chose to flee and then he meets the girls and forms the toys). The story changes a bit depending on the au, but it has the same general vibe, Bon finds him Onni sad at the library looking at his failed test (Onni got in with a scholarship and his ability with the guitar btw) Bon would usually just leave but the guilt kicks him again right in the ass and decides to walk up to him and ask if he's okay, Onni is still bummed out so he just answers by pointing at his test and the big red "2.0" (nota mínima d acá idk) and sighs. Bon knows this will end up in disaster but still, sits down after saying "I'm so gonna regret this..." And asks him if he could help him out, Onni accepts, turns out no one else wanted to help him because of his reputation.

So they start meeting at the library occasionally to study, and to bons credit Onnis grades seem to get better! They start to get more comfortable around each other and they fall back into a friendship, it's sweet, inside that library they get to joke and talk as if no time had passed, it feels as if they were barely 13 again. Bon apologizes for being a dick (he was kind of an asshole for just leaving and ignoring the nightmares) but also he needs him to apologize to those he hurt, Bon knows about his tendency to steal from Oliver and making fun of him, he can't exactly just ignore that.

So Onni does so, because he did feel at least a little guilty about it, especially more now that he had a more... Morally oriented friend/potential future boyfriend? He goes and apologizes to Oliver (and other people he hurt as well), Oliver obviously, doesn't like him and hits him, hard. Twice. A knuckle sandwich just for you! And leaves, Bon after hearing about this tends to his poor black eye and split lip (damn Oliver you had that talent hidden huh) but also "you have to admit you did have it coming" "yeah, yeah I know"

Of course they can feel the tension, they know that the other feels the same way but they dance around each other for a while before actually confessing (because their friends/partners were so DONE with it they had to force them to do it) and start dating

Aiden and Oliver DO. NOT. like him at all but they tolerate him for Bons sake, he did prove that he can handle him and control his destructive tendencies, so they accept him under the condition that he does not try to interact with them, and everyone is content with that, (also Freddy doesn't particularly care).

Fred is still here, by this time the animatronics all know about him and they like him, they're friends, Bon learnt about him some time after dating Freddy and they're also on friendly terms, they like to sing together whenever Freddy allows him to possess the body for a while. Fred kind of feels some sparks with Bon but he doesn't know how to explore this so hes ignoring this for a while (Bon is kind of unaware but he does kind of feel warm inside whenever they're sitting side by side and brushing knees)

Out of everyone, Fred is closer to Auryn (my golden) because they can relate to feeling trapped in their living situation and not having enough freedom, due to different reasons since one is a ghost with no memories of his life and the other is a repressed guy with a controlling family but they relate to each other a lot. Fred and Auryn have been dancing around each other for a loooong while, the slowest slow burn to ever slow burn. But Freddy has been pushing Fred to ask golden out for a long time. And when he's just about to do it, Auryn beats him to it! Damn it Goulding! (Joy helped) he says yes but they have to be subtle because Auryns family is, as said before, very controlling and if they ever found out about this they could take Auryn back to England (mi golden es British 😱😱) to finish his studies there so yeah, it sucks but it is what it is.

Auryn and Bon are chill around each other, not exactly friends but they like the other. Bon is also on the "im scared of my parental figures control over me haha" club so he and Auryn have at least something in common. They kiiiinda have some sort of attraction but they haven't talked about it yet.

But yeah I think thats all, maybe ill pick this up some other time bc its so fun to think about different aus where the super epic polycule exists but whatever

OHMYGOD this took a long time to write what the fuck anyways byeeeee

[refuse2analyze]

homeless, help needed - offering various commissions

i havent been in/active in the art community for a while, and to be honest my return is for selfish reasons. i had to unexpectedly pack up and leave my home due to my bad family situation becoming significantly worse in the beginning of this year. so, i’ve been homeless since march. i’ll add the TLDR of my story towards the bottom of this if anybody wants it, but for now i’ll cut to the chase :p

cashapp: $uluvrory / venmo: circusfool / ask for zelle (unfortunately my paypal got hacked and i simply do not have the mental capacity to deal with that rn)

because of my desperate situation, i’m doing name your price commissions, as low as $5. of course the quality of the art will match the amount paid, which is why i’ll do anything ranging from a traditional sketch to a digital painting.

if you’re a real kind heart i would greatly appreciate any kind of donations, though i’d feel guilty not repaying the favor with at least a doodle

i have a general idea of what prices will amount to what kind of art, so dm me what you’re willing to pay and we can discuss!

since im still setting up my tumblr again, more examples are on my instagram of the same username! not currently logged in, though -> my situation below

this is a very summarized story, and i’ll refrain much information for safety purposes. certain family i lived with was known to mistreat members of our family. her biggest punching bags have 1. died 2. left due to her treatment. so i became her biggest target

she was supportive of my lgbt identity, until i came out as trans. currently i find the most comfort being unlabeled in every aspect of my identity, but at the time, i came out as trans, and discovered that this was not a safe space anymore.

things worsened at home, and i was practically only there to sleep due to fear and anxiety. being out daily from sunrise to night was miserable, being put in very uncomfortable and unsafe situations, which would absolutely have been worse if i didnt have a place to sleep.

i was told i cannot be out of the house like that, and i had to stay indoors, not allowed to isolate from her, or i had to leave. given how unsafe i felt around her and in that house at all, the only answer i felt i had was to leave. i knew it was going to have to happen since i initially moved with her at 15, i just didn’t expect it to have to happen so fast (i was 19 at the time, now 20)

i moved in with a friend’s dad. but unfortunately he lived in a filthy house with black mold all over the walls and vents of each room, all kinds of bug infestations, floor covered with garbage, and about 20 people (give or take), many on drugs, with constant fighting and violence. on top of that, her dad is a very scary guy, who knows my dad, a very scary guy, both in gangs and unpredictable due to their drug usage.

while here each paycheck went to clothing since my stuff was stolen on the daily (including expensive things, like my nintendo switch. man.) i had to leave that place unexpectedly and so the only items i took with me were what i had on my person when i went to work, and i had to rebuy everything from scratch (clothing, hygiene items, underwear, socks…)

after that i was floating around and as of recently i’ve been staying at a youth shelter! ive made it so far on my own, but my savings is getting pretty dry, and my minimum wage work is only giving me 8-12 hours per week, which is very hard to live off of. im frantically looking for other jobs, but its been a month with very little luck

i hope this post doesnt come across as too pity-seeking. any kind of assistance is so appreciated!!

[lync-lay]

my cute barista

ੈ✩‧₊˚ - barista jake! x coffee hater reader!

ੈ✩‧₊˚ - word count: 2.1k

ੈ✩‧₊˚ - not proofread

ੈ✩‧₊˚ - genre: fluff

ੈ✩‧₊˚ - synopsis: your best friend, jay, drags you out to the local coffee shop on campus for a study session. the catch is, you hate coffee and no barista has ever successfully made you something you actually enjoyed. until, one does. as each day passes, you return to the shop, not only for the drink, but the cute barista who makes it.

summer has just recently ended, marking the official start of comfy sweaters and ugg boots on campus. the leaves are starting to change colors and the weather is much colder. this is the time of year that calms you down and keeps you in bed all day. and i love it.

its morning, and as i'm laying in bed casually watching a movie, i feel my phone begin to ring next to me. rolling over to grab it off the charger, i see that my best friend, jay, is calling. jay and i have been best friends since elementary. we are inseperable and were lucky enough to be accepted into the same university.

"hello?" i say into my phone.

"goooooood morningggggg y/nnnnnnnn!" jay says, on the other line, accentuating his words. ever since we were kids, he has always been a morning person. me on the other hand, is not.

"omg jay why are you so loud its like 8 am right now." i expressed.

"its a great morning. im honestly surpised you're even up at this time."

"yeah same but i woke up like an hour ago and couldn't fall back asleep. so im just watching a movie and admiring this very calming weather."

"well im glad you're up because i was wondering if you would want to go to the cafe on campus with me and study?...please?" he asked.

i hate coffee. the taste is bitter and unpleasant and occasionally, the smell gives me a headache. jay knows this so to say that i am surprised he even asked is an understatment.

"jay i-"

"look y/n i know you despise coffee but please. you don't have to get that, theres so many other options. and i also need my study buddy with me...please?" he pleads.

jay isnt aware of how many times ive been to a coffee shop, ordered something other than coffee, and hated it. so i doubt i will be ordering anything but he's my best friend so, i agree to go.

"fine, i'll go with you but i can't guarrantee ill have a good time." i say with a sigh.

"be so for real y/n...it's a study session, you won't have a good time. but ill be there, so you will have a good time." he explains.

silence hangs over the call for a few seconds.

"jay...im gonna hold your hand when i say this...that made no sense" i confess.

"mhm i know. ill be at your dorm in 15" he hangs up.

jay arrives when he says he will, 15 minutes. and next thing i know were off to the campus coffee shop. i'm kind of dreading going because i don't know what i'm gonna get. probably just an ice water. at least i can try and get some work done.

on our walk, jay tells me about a girl he's trying to impress and i give him advice per usual. he then goes on to explain how he really needs to study some form of math formula. im too busy admiring the autumn weather to respond. suddenly, we arrive at the coffee shop.

walking in, the aroma of coffee hits me immediately. the sound of cups shaking, ice, and brewing machines reminds me why i stopped coming to coffee shops.

"what are you gonna get" i ask jay.

"im gonna get an iced americano" he responds.

"what is that..."

"it's like cold black coffee poured over ice water"

"that actually sounds terrible. how do you enjoy that?" i ask, my facial expressions scrunching.

"it wakes me up niceeeee and gooooood." he taunts me.

"next" the barista yells.

oh my gosh. the barista is hands down, the finest man i have ever seen in my entire life. as jay and i walk up, i have suddenly lost the ability to speak. my legs feel like jelly and my heart is beating out of my chest.

"what can i get for you guys" the barista asks. my eyes suddenly make a b-line from his face to the name tag on his apron. jake, his name is jake. while jay places his order, my eyes are glued to jake. the way his hair is slicked back with a strand hanging by his forehead, the way his veiny hands type in the order, the way he flashes that perfect smile. i'm so entranced, i didn't even realize that he asked me a question.

"im sorry what did you say?" i apologize.

"i asked what i can get for you" jake asks me, flashing that deadly smile of his.

"um, i actually really dislike coffee. so i don't really know what i want."

he shakes his head slowly and places a finger over his mouth, obviously thinking of an alternative to my problem. wow, he is beautiful.

"this is gonna be a little risky but i'm gonna recommend that you try a matcha latte. it's kind of a hard drink to describe but i really enjoy it and its nothing like coffee." he explains.

"okay, i'll try that." i respond with a smile, my cheeks heating up from our small interation.

"alright perfect, so just an iced americano and an iced matcha latte. and because its your first matcha, it's on the house. so the total is $4.50" he states.

"omg really? thanks bro. this girl has hated coffee for so long so hopefully she'll like this." jay says with gratitude.

"no problem! i hope she likes it too." he flashes me a warm smile.

"whats the name for the order?" jake asks.

"jay".

"alright, that'll be done here shortly".

we walk over to find an empty table and take out our school stuff to start studying. all i can think of his jake and his charm. i turn over to see him taking orders and working on drinks. the way he moves around to different stations is so attractive.

"y/n will you please stop making googly eyes at the barista?" jay says, snapping me back to reality.

"i can't help it. he is actually so cute jay." i expressed with a sigh.

only a couple minutes pass when jake suddenly calls for jay, notifiying that his order is ready. jay grabs the order and the entire time im looking at jake. jay grabs the drink from him and jakes eyes pan over to be, giving me that smile once again. he's so attractive.

"here, he says he made it extra special in hopes that you would like it". jay hands me my drink and sits back down.

i'm a little nervous to try it. the green color is very offputting and i almost don't want it. but nonetheless, i gain some courage and take a sip. jay eyes me very seriously as i do so. i can understand why jake said it was a hard one to describe. i contemplate about the flavor, going back in for another sip.

"do you...like it? he asks me.

"suprisingly, yeah i do. a lot actually" a smile forms on my face as i continue to drink it.

"thank god you actually like something. now lets get to work".

unbeknownst to me, jake was behind the counter watching me. his heart began to be beat and smile creept on his face once he noticed that my drink was almost half way gone.

the sun rose slowly the next morning and the thought of going to class is killing me. all day yesterday, i couldn't stop thinking of that insanely cute barista, jake. his smile lingers in my head and that drink he made me was so delicious.

as im laying in bed, im suddenly hit with the craving of that drink and the cute barista who made it. i throw on my clothes for the day, grab my bag, and head to the coffee shop before my first class of the day. i have no idea if jake is working but i sure hope so.

as i walk in, i immediately see him. my heart begins to beat and my face is turning red. i realize that this time i dont have jay to hide behind and i contemplate if i should turn back. but it's too late because his eyes find mine, and he gives me the same sweet smile from yesterday.

the lines moves quickly and im suddenly at the counter, face to face with jake.

"hey, there." he smiles.

"hello." i smile back.

"no boyfriend today?" i give him a confused look. boyfriend? what boyfriend? oh, he must be thinking of jay.

"oh jay hahaha, he's not my boyfriend. he just my best friend who followed me to college." i laugh.

"oh okay i wasn't sure. it's not often a pretty girl like you walks in by herself." he tilts his head and winks.

oh. my. god. my cheeks begin to heat up and i can't help my smile from coming out. y/n get yourself together.

"well what can i get for you" he leans down on the counter, now being eye level to me.

"well i still hate coffee but i loved what you made me yesterday so that's what i would like." i say with a smile

"haha the iced matcha latte, you got it pretty girl. whats the name for order." he asks, eyes never leaving mine.

"y/n. and how much?" i ask.

"don't worry, i got this one."

"what? no, you got it yesterday jake. let me pay for it." i pleade.

"nope, like i said, i got it. it'll be done soon" he explains.

"thank you." i walk over to an empty table and immediately text jay. i explain to him how jake thought we we're together, then how he called me pretty twice, and gave me my drink for free. minutues pass and me and jay geek over mine and jakes interaction when i feel a soft hand being placed on my back.

"here ya go y/n," jake says with an endearing tone.

"oh thank you. i wasnt expecting you to bring it to me." i explain to him.

"well it's not busy so i thought i would come see you before you left." this man's charm is insane. his smile is something i could look at forever, and the way his aussie accent rolls off his tongue is so attractive.

"well thank you for the drink, im off to class now."

"will i be seeing you here again?" he ask, his brown eyes sparkling with hope.

"yes, i'll be back jake." i say with a laugh.

and i kept my word. everyday for the next two weeks, i went back to the cafe. i love my morning matcha (that he never let me pay for) but i also love seeing jake. his charm keeps me coming back for more.

this particular morning, i wake in the cafe to see jake already waiting for me with the matcha in his hand. the place wasn't busy so the boy walked straight up to me, and embraced me. his touch is warm and he smells of warm coffee and autumn spices.

"well isn't this a pleasant surprise" i say with a laugh as i reciprocate his embrace.

"we havent been busy and i was missing you so i made your matcha so you wouldn't have to wait." he confesses, cheeks turning slightly pink.

"aw well that's very sweet jake, i am actually in a rush so this is perfect" i smiled at him.

"well i wanted to ask you something, but you're in a rush so i wont keep you" he states, looking a litte disappointed.

"wait tell me, i can make some time for you." i expressed.

his eyes lock with mine and i can see a little bit of worry and nervousness in his expression.

"well, i know we havent known each other long but i really enjoy having you around. i come to this job everyday in hopes of seeing you every morning. i love making your matcha for you. and i want to get to know you more. what im trying to say is, would you want to go on a date with me?" he confessed, his entire face in worry.

"awww jake i absolutely would go on a date with you. i hate coffee but why do you think i come here everyday? to see your cute face" i explain.

he pulls me in for another hug. "oh my god, im so happy". he pulls away to look at me.

"it wouldve been really embarrassing if you said no cause i um, already wrote my number on your cup."

who wouldvr guessed that my hatred for coffee would turn into me falling for a barista who smells just like it.

ੈ✩‧₊˚ - a/n: hellooooo. hopefully you guys somewhat enjoyed this. this is my first fic after not writing since um...2020...so its definitely not perfect but i wanted to get something out there. nothing too long but i still hope you enjoyed.

[nanaslutt]

THANK YOU GUYS FOR ALL THE LOVE RECENTLY N TYSM FOR ALL THOSE LOVIN MY SMAUS :,) ive been so busy lately n its hard to write long fics more often but smaus are so quick and fun to write and you guys love them sm it makes me so happy n takes a lot of stress off <333

as for the last ask, i just always have a lot of ideas/ headcannons of characters at all times idk how they get into my head lol. i sometimes use inspo from art or something that happened in the show canonically (ex: nanami pulling hair) n it plants a fic sprout in my brain

ofc i use as looooooot of asks from my inbox as well, id say abt 95% of my fic ideas come from there :]] so thank you. and i google synonyms for different words frequently… maybe 10+ a day, i just like being able to be literate when i need to be and learning new things is interesting to me :3

sorry i don’t have a ton of tips :( ive been reading and writing for 12+ years so i just naturally learned how to structure a story and know how to extend certain parts of it. it wasn’t easy but over time you’ll learn to do the same!!

(i still have 15 mini picture books i made when i was 8 and they’re actually coherent lol. art, plot, rising action, conflict, resolution, the whole shebang)

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Just saw your post about demon trio GAAAHH they are my Roman Empire. The moment when Mouse approached Bad when he was brain resetting in a little patch of flowers he placed down, how close they shifted to each other, it felt so ALIEN and and and cool and I’m so NORMALLL. And when Tina splashed herself with perfume and when she had that role play moment when (idk if it was canon or a character) she was SO OBSESSED with going to heaven, I think she was born a demon, and SOMEHOW acquired religious trauma along the line probably as a child. Born a demon left at an orphanage door idk and they made all the kids go to church or something and Tina was OBSESSED because it gave order and meaning to her life but she was a demon and-

Ok right questions. Sorry, gah I love demon trio. I need an arc where Mouse and Bad get together and try to help Tina. Love how Bad hides the fact he’s a demon not because he hates himself for it (maybe a little) but because he’s a recognizable wanted fucking criminal. Where was I going with this again?

Do you have any thoughts on them? ;v; (sorry for rambling in the ask D: )

AAAA I LOVE LONG ASKS LIKE THIS

okay i TOTALLY agree with you have so many thoughts, i was literally just thinking the same thing last night!!! The absolute difference in upbringing as far as the demons really shows in how they act and i have sooooo so many thoughts about it!!!

So first off, i dont really know how old mouse is in terms of her lore but as far as BBH is concerned hes fucking weird and is constantly alluding to his existence extended FAR before the universe even existed, hell even time and space, we dont actually know what the fuck his deal in full is actually!!! What we do know is he was summoned to Earth roughly eleven to fourteen thousand years ago!

Mouse gives us not as much age-wise from what ive heard but she has expressed that she considers two thousand year olds to be "baby" not quite baby but like VERY young! (I have a personal HC that bad's summoning let loose a new age of demons, maybe not all at once but very quickly so mouse would probably be over ten thousand years old)

Tina gives us absolutely NOTHING she doesnt like talking about her demon ancestry aside from hiding it (when bagi said mouse taught her how to smell demons tina quickly panicked and doused herself in perfume, etc etc. nothing super explicit from what ive seen but im relatively new to her lore). But i personally have a hc that shes roughly three thousand years old, coming into existence around the Middle Ages in 1000 CE. That might seem extremely young but honestly thats what im going for for her!!! super extremely young!!! and born around the time when Catholicism was popular!

In my mind, they all have very much different reasons for acting the way they do and im soooooo ill about it

As a BBH main i have the most information on him so ill be talking about the lore i know from him first before getting into the other two lovely ladies!! So what we've heard from BBH is that he prefers to "hide" his demonic features and "blend in" with humans as much as possible if he can, obviously he doesnt do very good at this but hes old as shit and very powerful so like who's gonna tell him??? From what we've heard of his lore, Bad is the cause of a LOT of minor and major disasters in history; Mt Vesuvius (who he named after a dead lover) exploding, the plague taking out most of europe (which he was a plague doctor for), and alongside other major things theres some minor events as well! Small wars he's been present in such as the HG war he was in with cellbit very recently, various other wars he eluded to that he recalled "blended together" because there were so many, that time he went to medical school for 15 minutes just to do brain surgery on that president on a boat.... he also knows a lot of major historical figures and hes been EVERYWHERE, we actually have a rough timeline of where he's been and when just based on who he knows. He knew not only the fucking guy who created the study of viruses, HIS ASS KNOWS ISAAC NEWTON..... and i think once he alluded to knowing goddamn adam and eve, maybe even being the snake in the goddamn garden. Considering its cannon to his lore that he was the angel locked beneath the euphrates river i wouldnt be surprised at that point.

All this to say: Bad has been present for and had an active hand in a LOT of major and minor disastrous historical events, and hes repeatedly talked about how people would chase him with torches and pitchforks - even referring to that activity as "therapy" and said thats the reason he doesnt believe in therapy, because it hurts and doesnt do anything for him except get him running.

Bad does not personally feel shame about his demonic features, he's used to hiding them (or at least intending to.... hes doing a bad job at it) for his own personal safety, because his role as >>>>A) a demon and B) the fucking ferryman of death<<<< brings him a LOT of negative attention. Negative attention that he's had to deal with ALONE for a majority of his existence, up until about fourteen thousand years ago.** (**A major event i feel caused a new era of Demons, we will talk about it more through the post)

Moving on to Mouse; i mention bad's role as a demon having an affect on negative things around him because i honestly think that applies to all or most demons. I don't know much about mouse's lore, but i do know shes proud of her heritage to some degree, is unashamed to tell people shes a demon, and will even actively teach people things about her species (Bringing back Bagi again - We know in cannon Demons smell like Sulfur, its been stated pomme and dapper and bad and mouse and tina all smell like it, and we can assume empanada also does or is starting to).

I, to some degree, think the beginning of her existence was much more accepting and inviting, while bad dealt with his negative experiences alone, and tina had her own upbringing we'll get into, Mouse came into existence during a "Dark" age, when bad was summoned to earth there was a wave of the newest generation of demons being spawned into this world(not in a "father of all demons" way but more in a "large expressions of magic often lead to a ripple affect of more magic" way). A lot of shit probably happened, im not insane like badboyhalo im not gonna research what happened but theres probably some kinda major event that happened. Demons born around that era probably had some kind of support system or way of existing that was underground enough for them to not be wiped out, but they had enough freedoms that mouse and others probably felt comfortable enough to express demonic traits.

I like to think this was the era of her life that had the most influence over her existence, that she was created with pride and will ALWAYS have that pride in her species, it may be dampened but it will never go away fully!*

*I like to think shes experienced maybe some shame over her species when it comes to minor historical events that shes contributed to by just being present, but it very rarely lasts longer than the event itself.

Tina, as far as im concerned, is the youngest of the demon trio aside from their kids. I kinda write her akin to Amethyst from SU, her existence was very recent and she was alone with very little or no initial support system, she was brought up thinking she was "wrong" in some way, her teeth and nails were too sharp, and she has horns and sometimes her skin has a purpleish hue to it that make other people think theres something wrong with her. She has a VERY obviously christian/catholic upbringing which was brought to light recently in one of her conversations with foolish. She's always felt shame about her species and she probably would have continued if it wasnt for mouse and bad, but ESPECIALLY if it wasnt for Empanada.

I have my own thoughts on the demon babies that we'll get into later, but after gaining her daughter who is very much going to be a demon (two demon parents, obvious demon child lol) i cant help but wonder how tina's planning on pushing aside her feelings of shame to make Empanada feel welcomed and loved regardless of her species?

Tina's very young, of course shes seen some major events in history but shes never been raised in community, she probably didnt even know thats just something that comes with the horns until very recently! I can imagine bad and mouse joking and giggling about that town that they stayed the night in that caught fire the next day that they got chased out of a couple hundred years ago, and i can imagine tina being confused as to why they found that amusing, is that normal? Tina's always had minor disasters follow her, her home town very likely burned down or got sick following or preceding a major milestone in her life, and thats probably continued to happen over the thousands of years shes been alive! Being a demon brought up in a very anti-demon environment, whos to say she even knew there were other demons out there really? She was a curse from god, she brought nothing but poor luck and sickness to her household (which i agree with you she was probably residing in an orphanage), she brought it everywhere she went. I cant help but ask myself "did she feel relief that it wasnt just her, or even more shame finding out this is a common occurrence for demons?"

Now thats most of what i have regarding the parents but i have a few notes on the demon kids. I think all the eggs have some sort of demonic features, obviously bads a huge influence on all of them and they care about him as their tia so i draw most of the babies with horns and tails of some kind, but i am particularly focusing on Dapper, Pomme and Empanada, the three demon babies whos actual official parents are the demons.

I dont have anything too specific for them, but i do believe they will grow up to have an attitude towards their species akin to how Mouse acts.

Unlike other demons or even their parents growing up, they have a support system and parents to explain to them things that will happen to them as they get older! They'll have someone to come back to, who will explain "Yes, that village got the plague because you walked through it and the sulfur you spread supernaturally brought illness and bad luck. No, its not your fault in particular. No, you shouldn't stop going into towns and villages, its the 21st century and if they cant stop the plague by now then they were gonna die anyway"

When they inevitably get shunned by humans for their species, they have someone to come back to to let them know that that wasnt right, but its a part of what happens to people like us. Maybe some day we wont have to experience that anymore, but right now the most important thing is to not get caught, and come home to your Mama so we can give you bandaids for your knees and treat your wounds.

I'm so very invested in how the demon babies will be brought up by their parents, i hope we get more demon lore in the future </3

This turned into an essay, hope thats alright njkbhjvgchfg i have so many thoughts on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sparring-spirals]

hello. to the person who sent me the ask about how to navigate fandom being kind of Blegh especially after. Exciting (contentious) moments like these. hello i am. Incredibly tired and the quick answer I wanted to give has ballooned intonlike 15 paragraphs i am not coherent enough to edit down rn so. instead. my Most Critical TL;DR so i can edit and post the ask tmr.

FUCK this still got long. putting a readmore in sorry.

- Do not feel bad about curating your fandom experience! Seriously. Blocking people or even not acknowledging certain people's posts does not have to be like. A moral judgement or anything. Follow people who you want to follow. Get friends who you can yell privately with.

- Do not feel bad about stepping away if seeing discussion and discourse is making you feel objectively Worse. Fandom is not a moral obligation, and you dont do yourself or anyone else a favor by continuing to look at things that upset you and making yourself feel worse. I cannot emphasize this enough. If looking at fandom stuff is exclusively making you feel worse, do yourself a kind gesture and. stop looking. u can leave. hit da bricks. etc.

- like related to the above, unfortunately there will always be some people who are just. Wrong On The Internet. You will not convince or correct them all. Nor can you stop them from posting. This is kind of something you just need to live with. Discussion and exploration of various views can be very beneficial! Just like. Yknow. Pick your battles.

- IMO People get really weird about character conflict and it gets quickly into Morally Right Vs Morally Wrong territory PLUS weird projections onto the cast. I have lots of opinions about this but i need to sleep so lets just say. People get weird. Emotions run high. feel free to disengage.

- There's been a lot of Events in the campaign recently, and being disappointed one way or another is understandable. There are different ways to approsch that particular sensation/feeling, but I'd say the biggest thing thats helped me is generally steering away from assuming malice or ill intent from the cast, as well as avoiding getting too caught up in assuming the story I am expecting is the only good iteration that can be told.

oh god this got so long. anyway sorry to the asker ill post the answer maybe tomorrow once ive slept and like. can edit. hopefully this is helpful in the meantime. to folks following me who did Not ask for me on a soapbox. i am very sorry. there will be more.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

my dysphoria has been very bad recently and i have found it very difficult to do things like showering, changing and sleeping especially. ive been over wearing my binder a lot because i find it very difficult to bring myself to take it off, and i keep wearing it for 30+ hours at a time which i know is bad but i currently have no other alternative and not wearing one feels worse than the pain i get by overwearing. i hate wearing sports bras and ive run out of transtape, i have ordered more but it probably won’t be coming for another couple of weeks. i don’t know what to do because i don’t want to damage my body severely, is there anything else i can do?

Lee says:

As you know, wearing a binder for extended periods can lead to severe health issues, including respiratory problems, rib fractures, and skin conditions.

When you feel like doing something that's harming you physically is your only option to cope because your dysphoria is that intense, you should look into getting a therapist.

Frequently binding for 30+ hours isn't a sustainable option and finding alternative coping strategies will be easier with professional help to help you deal with what you're doing through.

Two posts that might help with your specific questions are Staying clean and coping with shower-related dysphoria and Dysphoria when you have to sleep and those two posts really cover most of what I have to say on those subjects so I won't reinvent the wheel by typing the same thing but I encourage you to read both links.

Apart from that, in the next couple of weeks as you wait for your TransTape to arrive (And start the process of seeking a therapist!) here are some strategies you can try doing:

1. Layered Clothing:

Wearing loose, layered clothing can help obscure the chest area. Consider wearing baggy shirts, jackets, or vests to help reduce the visibility of your chest.

Luckily it's fall time (at least here in the East Coast) so it's starting to get a little bit cooler, some days, and I wear a sweater (at work) or sweatshirt (when at home) like 100% of the time just because I'm always cold and it's also an Autistic sensory friendly thing for me too.

See more: Body neutrality

2. Distraction Techniques:

Engage in activities that take your mind off your dysphoria. This could be reading, drawing, journaling, listening to music, watching movies or TV, or any other hobby or activity that you enjoy and find absorbing.

Engage in self-care activities that actually make you feel good about yourself, not just doomscrolling social media. And for those times when you are on social media, if you're currently following anyone who makes you stressed/unhappy, stop following them. It's your feed and you're in charge!

But if you find that it's hard to do the necessary activities of everyday living because you find yourself spending most of your time engaging in distraction techniques, and you're falling behind on homework/work, that's another sign that you need additional support from a mental health professional.

3. Grounding Techniques:

Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce distressing thoughts, but the kind of nebulous meditation stuff never worked well for my ADHD brain.

Guided meditation

15 meditation tips

How to do progressive muscle relaxation

Body scan relaxation exercise

Mindfulness skills and worksheets masterpost

Imagery

Imagery self-help

Relaxation

Relaxation audio

Safe-place visualization

I found specific things like grounding exercises, like the "5-4-3-2-1" technique (identifying five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste), can help divert your attention from dysphoric feelings if you're having a Moment. This type of strategy is useful when you start to notice yourself spiraling to try and re-center yourself.

Soothing grounding exercise

Physical grounding exercise

Mental grounding exercise

Grounding techniques

How to make a grounding box

Grounding exercises

How to ground and center

4. Stay connected:

Connect with in-person and/or online LGBTQ+ support groups who understand what you're going through. Sharing your feelings and hearing from others who have similar experiences can be comforting and it can help you to learn new coping strategies and things to try.

In general, avoiding isolation is important. Join a club or volunteer for something, join a sports team, hang out with your friends, etc. Just don't stay alone in your room. Get out of the house if you can, or invite people over or have video calls or phone calls if aren't up to being out and about. Just stay in contact with people.

See more: Motivating yourself to socialize

5. Set Alarms:

Consider setting alarms or reminders to take off your binder and give your body a break. Even short breaks can help reduce the risk of injury.

Here are some links that may help in general:

9 strategies for dealing with body dysphoria

How do I deal with dysphoria?

20 Small Things To Do When Gender Dysphoria Gets You Down

25 Things I Do To Make My Body Dysphoria Feel Smaller and Quieter

More on coping with dysphoria

Dealing with dysphoria

A post with suggestions for coping with dysphoria

Take care of your mental health

8 tips for managing dysphoria and mental health

A coping tip

Disablity-friendly dysphoria tips

Dysphoria that prevents you from leaving the house/doing activities of daily living

Your feelings are valid, and it's essential to find ways to manage your dysphoria that prioritize your health and well-being. There isn't a secret dysphoria cure I can share with you, to be frank it just sucks sometimes and there's not a lot to do about it but you gotta find a way to cope and keep going and stay safe.

Eventually it gets better-- you either find a way to cope more effectively and manage the dysphoria and/or time just passes and you grow older and eventually find a way to access surgery, but either way you will eventually become an adult who is managing life somehow and overall doin' okay and yeah there's hope at the end of the tunnel so please keep going!

You deserve care, support, and understanding, even if your family isn't able to provide that right now. And again, apart from the two links that I started the response with, the main advice I have is that you should ask to speak with a therapist (even if you are closeted and don't tell your fam that it's gender/binding/dysphoria related) and just let them know that you're struggling with your mental health in general.

Please reach out for help if you need it, and consider seeking medical attention if you experience severe pain or discomfort from binding. Good luck!!

As some of you may have noticed, our blog has been around for a decade or so and some links may be broken because we're all busy etc so pls let me know if something is wonky in a post I'm trying to link to!

Followers, any advice for anon?

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

what is this jean/Jeremy/Kevin thing it looks interesting and the art is cool

oh boy oh boy!!!!!!!! i am absolutely going through it anon. so basically there is this book series called all for the game by nora sakavic that you should totally read (the first book is called the foxhole court -- but please check out a list of trigger warnings for it because it is very heavy and deals with a lot of serious and painful topics. i myself have had to disconnect for some of the scenes and come back when i was ready; its completely okay to do so, or to not read the books at all if its uncomfortable). its about gay athletes, guys just going through the absolute worst, the yakuza, fucked up families, a running game of how pathetic can you get answered in 15 different ways by each person, fucked up relationships, all not-so-neatly packaged into a completely made up fictional sport. (its funny because i am NOT a sports person and barely even understand cricket even though i watch it all the time, but i know the rules of exy forwards, backwards, and inside out. its that serious.)

i also need to warn you that the first book is slow. the second book is also kind of slow. i personally didnt have any trouble with it because im more of a character reader and aftg had PLENTYYY to keep me busy, but i think its a fair warning if youre sensitive to pace. however. the payoff is so incredibly worth it. its an amazing read with obsession-worthy characters, detailed and balanced plot beats, flowing and natural dialogue, very creative sports , and the relationships will make you want to reread it twenty thousand times. the romance is also the slowest burn to ever burn. if youre going in for romance at the start, you Will Not Get what you want -- but you will get it. i think we as a fandom focus on the romances a lot (im new so dont take my word for it) but its 1) because we're tumblr dont come and 2) because the romances and relationships are incredibly interesting to see through the lens of the books and vice versa. what i really love most (and youll see this in the ec doc) is that it feels like each and every choice was deliberately made by the author to make the book. like. down to the ice cream flavor they get at one point. especially with the sunshine court, i feel like i can see exactly where she made a choice and what mightve happened if that choice wasnt made. its intoxicated to read. it feels like breathing and it feels like drowning.

i just read the sunshine court (where jean and jeremy are more from) so thats what all the recent stuff has been, but you should read the foxhole court series first for it to make sense. i think tsc is 100000x times better and better written than tfc but you have to work for it lol. and!!!!! the author is on tumblr (@/korakos)! also if you do read it, please tell me!!!!!! you can keep sending anons or you can dm me or you can come to my house and live in my room but tell me!!!!! theres also an extra content doc (thanks @jeansyvesmoreau for sending this to me) between the series' (so after the kings men, before the sunshine court) that you should definitely definitely read. but im getting ahead of myself.

i hope that helps?? or at least doesnt hurt. if you liked the raven cycle by maggie stiefvater, i think this is a good step up. let me know if you have any questions at all!!

okay ive been normal for this whole thing, ranting and incoherent noises below cut:

ANON ITS SOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD ITS SO GOOD. ITS SO GOOD. i told mel this but i cant possibly say i love these books because its not necessarily love. its not something i can explain but youll get it if you read it. there is a piece of my soul that was carved out, reformed, and then put back into me by nora sakavic. i dont think ill ever be the same again. i need a therapist who has read these books so they can understand exactly what im going through. each character was like a bomb to me. jean moreau is like a straitjacket. they mean so much to me. theyre nothing. i hate them. i need to feed them breakfast. OUGHHHHHHHHORGHEURGHEOGH. there is so much grief entangled with them but they are so vibrant and full of life it hurts. i cant stop thinking about them. i finished tsc yesterday and ive been sobbing ever since. i am dead serious. i cried myself to sleep last night thinking about one of the characters. i need you to know how real i am being.

i think if i meet nora sakavic i will probably kill her. just fully black out and kill her and not even know it. so i wont meet her for the better! but i need this to be out there. my fingers hurt from typing all this but know that there is MORE in my head. so much more. i am fit to burst with it all. love you anon thanks for asking

[ghost-of-a-system]

sorry if this is kind of crossing a line, but how do you guys deal with thinking you're faking? ive been having more issues with it recently and its affecting my system,, i dont mean to but its an unfortunately common intrusive thought

no worries, it's definitely a common thought a lot of systems seem to get from time to time (at least from what we've seen)! i know we have, though for us it was usually less of an "i'm faking", and more of an "i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i have this, by acknowledging symptoms". we mostly got these thoughts in the first year or so of for-sure knowing about our system. while we met the criteria and general experiences of someone who has OSDD1, we found ourselves obsessively comparing our system to others we'd see online, or others that we knew. we saw systems who had things like inner worlds or extreme differences in skills & knowledge per alter. things that aren't specifically required to be one, but seemed so awfully common that we just thought they were unspoken guidelines we were missing. so, we were afraid we were "faking".

i don't know how much this can apply to others, but we can remember a good deal of indicators about having OSDD1 when we were younger, especially from the ages of 11-15 or so. (mainly, dissociative episodes, the presence of potential alters.) we obviously didn't know what it was then, nor did we really think it too out of the ordinary. but they were things that we were able to start connecting the dots with the more we learned about systems and ourselves later on.

looking back, our concerns kind of fizzled out with the more dots we connected. kinda hard to be gaslighting yourself into symptoms you don't even know are symptoms, right? the fact that we experienced these things for a long time prior to even learning about OSDD1 was usually enough to help us. but i can understand if it might not be safe for others to try to delve into their pasts like that. isn't really for me to say or speak much on.

this may also not apply to many others, but here's another way. ever since creating this account, actually, we've started to stop holding ourselves to these ridiculous standards in order to be a "normal system". we're learning to respect ourselves for the way we are, and we have noticed that since then, our life has gotten, clearer, almost? whereas before, i think our anxiety and paranoia about the way we functioned clouded a lot of our symptoms. we were always over-analyzing and overthinking everything, so much so that nothing felt genuine. and, like i stated at the beginning... basically all of our concerns over faking stemmed from comparing ourselves to others, personally.

i don't know if that makes sense, but we just stopped caring so much and acknowledged our symptoms as more of a passing thought rather than one we need to grab and study as soon as it occurs. i'm not too sure of the correlation, but i think our experiences/symptoms just. stopped feeling like something we were 'secretly, actively inducing', if that makes it any clearer? and, these things were happening on their own, and to degrees that simply could not be explained by anything other than OSDD1 or something similar. it's really hard to put into words so i'm sorry if that makes zero sense hah, but that's just what we've done. we haven't really had such thoughts ever since.

[joltai-showa]

I rly lov your long posts about Deidara specifically, but Im curious as to why (and maybe Ive just not read everything you've written) you mention Deidara as joining the Akatsuki at ages like 12-13? Because I feel like it's been pretty well stated that Deidara was recruited at 15. Which still, he's quite the prodigy, but iirc he was Sasori's partner of 4 years and canonically died at 19 which would mean he was 15 at the time of his recruitment, no?

Hi, anon, I did talk about it previously in reblogs to one of my posts (the one about Deidara and Obito prefering to hang upside down), but I'll explain it again.

Someone already commented that "it's been stated he was Sasori's partner for 4 years", however, when I asked for an actual reference to something in canon indicating that, I got no reply. My assumption is that this is some sort of popular headcanon in the fandom that's so deeply embedded into people's minds that at some point people just start saying that "oh, Deidara was partnered with Sasori for 4 years" even if nothing in canon is stated in regards to this. Again, if you manage to find a confirmation of this claim in canon, send it my way, I'm just stating that I did not see anything proving this to be true besides tumblr users saying so.

(and I do not consider anime to be canon, mostly because of the fact that they changed stuff from the manga to fit the endless fillers + taking stuff from anime means wrecking an already shaky timeline of Naruto world that exists purely off the fans' prayers and wishes + I never made myself watch the anime fully because I like to have other interests besides Naruto, so I am less familiar with it and looking for a single line confirming some fact in 600 something episodes of endless yapping and terrible pacing sounds like hell, so to me the only things that can serve as a proof are from the manga itself or the databooks, both of which were done by Kishimoto)

but back to Deidara's age at the time of recruitment - him being 12 is actually also a presumption of mine, but it's simply because of various factors. off the information available to me, we can not directly state that Deidara was exactly X years old when Akatsuki came for him, but we can get the range for his age.

Strictly speaking, the upper boundary for Deidara joining would be 16 years, and it's due to the last scene of OG Naruto where we see Akatsuki having a secret meeting with all of the members present. Deidara is undeniably there (the hairstyle and speech pattern of the member hanging from the ceiling matches his), so by that point he's already a full-fledged member of your local terrorist daycare. However, what is interesting about this scene is what Deidara says

(Viz's translation is being weird again, but as far as I remember, this is another case where in the original the subject of the sentence is omitted, so it actually should be something like "we'll finish off Orochimaru soon" and "will we be able to finish our tasks on time?")

in any case, what's curious about this scene is that Deidara seems to be fully aligned with Akatsuki's goals. This is not a boy who didn't want to join the organization because he wanted to do his art on his own and was forced to join after losing to one its members, this is a guy who is fully interested in whatever the hell Akatsuki had going on. So even if technically the upper limit for Deidara joing is 16, I would say that a reasonable boundary would be 15 - Deidara is far too comfortable in the organization during his first appearance to be a recent hire, so I'd say that he's been with the gang for at least a year.

Now onto the lower boundary for Deidara's age at the time of recruitment, and for this we'll need to use that scene itself

Again, because nothing is known regarding Deidara's time in Iwa (in the databooks some shinobi get their age when they became genin/chunin, however Deidara doesn't fall into this category either), so the estimates would have to come from the other three in the room, namely Sasori, Kisame and Itachi.

Sasori isn't really useful for this due to the fact that his nukenin career started an entire year before Deidara was even born (LMAO), Chiyo claims that Sasori returned 10 years later to kill the Third Kazekage (but I call bullshit on that, because this creates a plethora of timeline issues, so probably another Kishimoto moment), but none of that helps us with figuring out when Sasori got recruited, how long he spent in organization, etc etc.

Kisame's got even less information (except, you know, the times when he was doing the murder exam, and again, that was way before Deidara was even born), so not much use of him either.

However, Itachi has a lot more to go off. Obviously, if he is present in this scene as an Akatsuki member, this means that this takes place after the Uchiha massacre. And what we certainly know about it is that Itachi was 13 at the time. Itachi and Deidara have a 2 year age gap, meaning that the harshest lower boundary that can be imposed on Deidara in the recruitment scene is 11 (we can not go any lower, otherwise it's impossible for Itachi to be present).

That is if we assume that Itachi joined Akatsuki and immediately went to hunt for Deidara.

Which we know is not true, because the entire conflict with Orochimaru (who is Sasori's partner at the time) takes place. After the Uchiha massacre Itachi run away from Konoha, joined Akatsuki, got partnered with Kisame (off that flashback before Kisame's death it's not really clear who joined Akatsuki first, Itachi or Kisame, but nonetheless that scene had to have taken place before Deidara recruitment), had his conflict with Orochimaru, Orochimaru ditched Akatsuki, leaving Sasori without a partner, thus creating the need for replacement. And remember, Orochimaru did not return the ring after voluntarily resigning (without the organization's HR department's permission, of course), and again, these rings allow members to seal Tailed Beasts within Gedo Mazo, literally the most important thing about Akatsuki, so, in my opinion, some time would have to be spent by Akatsuki trying to (unsuccessfully) chase after Orochimaru and beat the shit out of him for stealing the company's property. All in all, some time would have to pass between Itachi joining and Deidara joining.

However, what speaks against this period of time being long is the way Akatsuki operate, which is pairing two people together. Sasori was left without a partner, and while I don't doubt that he is more than strong enough to do mass murder on his own, the suicide statistics in nukenins born in the Second Shinobi World War or soon after it speak for itself, so a replacement would need to be found fast, which is why I don't think the period between Itachi joining Akatsuki and Deidara meeting the gang would be longer than a year - can't leave Sasori hanging by himself, and nothing suggests that Sasori had other partners in between Orochimaru and Deidara, which is why I say the lowest age at which Deidara could have joined is 12.

So, to summarize, in the recruitment scene Deidara's age would be in [12; 15] range, if we are doing it with reasonable assumptions based off the canon interactions, but based off characters' presence alone it would be from 11 to 16.

However, there's more in regards to Deidara becoming a nukenin!

This moment here confirms that Deidara is already a terrorist by the time Akatsuki find him. He is not being stolen from Iwa, he has already run away and, moreover, he's been assisting insurgents for some time. And, what's important, he's doing it on his own, meaning that he had to work up a reputation for himself as a nukenin (otherwise insurgents wouldn't have worked with this random kid). Which implies that some time must have passed in between him leaving and meeting Akatsuki. Again, nothing concrete, but I wouldn't say that this period could have been less than a year, which means he would have been like 11-12 by the time he ditched Iwa.

Which is. Jesus. Even during the World Wars kids only become chunins by that point. I'm not even talking about the Naruto's "peaceful" generation.

And I remembred one final thing that also makes me believe that Deidara was younger than 15 during his recruitment, but it's a lot more shaky and biased. I'm talking about the way Kishimoto draws him in this scene

The main cast of Shippuden is exactly in this supposedly confirmed range (15-16 years old) for Deidara, however when I take Naruto/Sasuke/Sakura/etc etc, I just don't see Deidara being the same age as them in here. He looks younger, closer to them in OG Naruto than in Shippuden. Nonetheless, this is my personal opinion and perception, and Kishimoto is pretty inconsistent at drawing characters in their supposed age (probably because he himself has no idea how old his characters are in this or that scene, lmao), so that's the weakest argument I have for my position.

[lilioopdf]

recent things ive manifested:

- an opportunity to help my artist friend out at this arts event (she’s really cool bc she’s painted for a ysl exclusive event before++ on some jo malone/dior perfume boxes that looked really good) and i love that i get to venture into this sector i’m studying in an environment im comfortable in (this friend is 10 years older than me but ive known her for 2-3 years and she’s the cousin of one of my childhood best friends so)

- revised a rejection from a school committee i wanted to join. basically we had a first round of interview, all my friends got a follow up email and i didn’t, but the night before the second email i affirmed that i had it so even when i didn’t receive it i didn’t care even though i needed that committee acceptance and i just affirmed once again. my friends had to reschedule their interviews because we had an event that day, but on the original interview date the committee texted me to ask if i was on my way to the second interview and i was like ?? i never received any email, and turns out they never sent me mine so now i have the second interview lined up soon

- new phone! needed a new one for a while but i’m not the kind of person to ask my parents to buy me stuff plus my parents are kind mean about getting me new things because they have this “work for it yourself” mindset but all it took was like one week of briefly imagining having a new phone and one night of SATS before bed and a nap and i was woken up by my father to go get a new phone so here i am typing this on an iphone 15!

edit (wrote this and forgot about it but think it counts— wallet came through two weeks later and i had to script a wallet because i don’t want to pay $50 for my own wallet so i needed my parents):

- accidentally manifested being horribly sick 😭😭 i needed a valid reason to take a break but also not doing anything has been stressing me out even more

- my old job wanting me bc i lowkey missed it, and when i saw one of my coworkers that day she told me they were short staffed and to ask HR if i could rejoin and i don’t mind because this job is so chill and im used to it and it’s not super taxing for a student

[eldritchmochi]

hey, what symptoms is masculinizing hrt supposed to treat for eds exactly if you don't mind? saw your ask about dwarfism that mentioned it. ive got heds and im kinda desperate for potential treatment options, wondering if this is smth i should look into?

SO: this is all anecdotal, it is not necessarily a great global treatment for many many reasons but if youre an afab edser and already considering hrt, things i and others have noticed T helping with are:

joint pain/subluxations: higher levels of t seem to help because thats the hormone that helps you build and maintain muscle, and muscle when u have shitty connective tissue helps protect and stabilize your joints, so they hurt less because they flop around less (this may also be why eds is more commonly seen in afab folks, as amab folks especially cis men have more muscle from the get go, so they often have less issues)

chronic pain in general: my theory is that, since i have fewer subluxations, im generally a smidge less globally inflamed, so generally a smidge less pain (very subjective tho, and also i started taking regular nsaids a few months into t, so ymmv)

less fatigue, particularly after physical activity: i have no theories on why for this one (and its also pretty subjective, especially cos fatigue can be related to so many things when youre multiply disabled, like many edsers are)

less cold/dizzy, presumably from better circulation: t can increase your blood volume iirc, as well as give you bigger veins and whathaveyou

easier blood draws: again, bigger veins, easier to hit with a needle. ymmv still based on hydration etc, and mine are still bouncy and tend to roll, but more often than not if i am well hydrated most phlebotomists can get me in one stick, compared to even experienced phlebotomists needing to dig around at best

and then a small handful of other benefits ive noticed relating to collagen, like i have fewer random scrapes and bruises, presumably because my skin is a little thicker now and thus a little more resistant to damage, plus my nails and hair are less likely to break (tho idk how much of that is related to eds as a whole and how much is just my family)

i am currently doing .2ml subq injections every 7-10 days and noticed substantially more positive effect when i was at a weekly .3ml subq dose, however i ran so hot that i turned into Shorts In Winter Guy, and i hated it especially since i circled around to being so sweaty i was sick from it, so i backed off a lot. during the 18ish months i was on a .3ml dose tho, i think i had <10 subluxations the entire span, compared to >10 on average in any given week for years prior. on .2ml im experiencing significantly more subluxations, but still <10 a month, and theyre less impactful (often its waking up with one ankle not quite in place, which settles after a few minutes of movement)

of note though, my experiences are as someone who was significantly impacted by heds starting at age 14-15, and im 33 now, whereas i have a friend on a much lower dose of t (not sure the amount, but theyre doing gel) with great effect still, as someone of comparable age but who was less impacted until relatively recently due to spending their youth and early 20s physically active in a variety of ways i did Not lmao

ive seen several other transmasc edsers discuss anecdotally the benefits theyve seen from being on T, and the geneticist i saw when i was finally dx'd earlier this year mentioned her familiarity with the same benefits learned thru patients, so its a thing some doctors ARE aware of, there just havent been many, if any, formal studies (because of course not (: ). if you were already kicking around hrt for The Genders, absolutely recommend going for it. if you have The Genders and maybe havent considered T before, i think its definitely worth researching and pondering. not sure i would really recommend it to someone who was cis, but there are ways to mitigate a number of masculine secondary sex characteristics spawned from T so i dont think its off the table for everyone, you would just need to find a very clever experienced doctor for it

also of note is i experienced benefits VERY quickly, within 6-8 weeks of a .25ml/week dose, and in that span most of the effects of t are not permanent or otherwise fairly negligible, so there isnt a ton of risk imo to test it to see if its worth it for you. just be aware that, because of the collagen thing and the way vocal cords work, your voice WILL drop and it will drop IMMEDIATELY (however, even if your voice drops a ton, you can still sound fully passibly feminine with a little practice and knowledge)