#i have experienced SUCH a range of emotions in the span of a week that i think i might genuinely drop dead

[convulsionofhonesty]

when lorde said “i’m 19 and i’m on fire” she was so real. when you are 19 anything can set you on fire.

[campbyler]

mmm what the fuck?

how am i supposed to live like a normal functioning person after experiencing the full range of human and Inhuman emotions?

thea i love u i promise but i also want to kill u in the most cruel way possible.

i was trying to read 32k words one hour before the work and failed Miserably 😭 i only get through driving lesson part. can u believe i had to do actual work the entire day instead of reading my gay fanfiction? 💔heartbreaking misogynistic And homophobic if u ask me.

anyway. i know im going to forget something. it always happens and then im too shy to send other asks so let hope it doesn’t happen this time.

driving lesson.

don’t worry about ur manual transmission description. i’ve changed three instructors in the span of year and a half and all three of them told me different things. i didn’t notice any Big Serious issues that would be at odds with driving mechanic.

to the other news. will sucks 😭😭 not his fault Obviously. he’s naturally anxious and tbh mike didn’t give him any hints about how to feel when the car is ready to go. not mikes fault too. i bet he doesn’t even think about this little thing anymore (and cause u don’t know about them either. which is ok don’t worry about it. u probably just need to experience it ti fully understand). i was so happy when will finally manage to get the car going 😭😭 i probably called him baby too.

and then i literally passed out when i saw the mike called Him baby?? first will’s brain in denial made me questioning was it really for him or for the car. cause mike Loves that car i wouldn’t be surprised if he really call it baby from time to time. but then i remembered that we know how mike feels thanks god and i became like 85% sure that it was for will. (i also Run to check playlist right after this line. yeah i found “king of my heart” there. u make the impossible possible cause why am i listening to two of my least favorite reputation songs and genuinely enjoy them?)

i mentally add the keychains to the list of things we need to know more about. but i think it’s cute that they both not only save them but also use them almost daily. and they both choose car keys to hang the keychains on. dare i say soulmates.

*two weeks later*

also i think it’s funny they consider each other hot while driving.

and of course mike is obsessed with old expensive cars!!

are the malls in the us exactly dying? my office building is near the mall and i can guarantee u that in my country they r super alive.

ok i might be wrong but i think that the deleted scene is from bookstore part idk.

i think it’s cute that they trust each other enough to allow to choose as significant item as journals concerning that they really picky about them.

and i loved that mike blushed over a simple kiss 🫶🏻🫶🏻

(i feel like i want to catch up on everything and it’s killing me cause i write down one thing and immediately remember the other 😭)

THEY WERE SO BOYFRIENDS IN DINER!!! i don’t think i will ever recover from how cute they r and how much they actually like each other (and how single i am. as the classic said “when someone will prey on my neurodivergency….” and so on and so forth). i love that everyone can see it and im obsessed that boys don’t even want to deny it. i think a lot about the fact that mike said that they middle school sweethearts like he regrets about the missed opportunities (but also he doesn’t regret cause the thing they have now (at this exact moment. cause i still have bad feeling) is like that Because of years of semi-friendship and rivalry and unsaid confessions).

and i think even more about the fact that mike didn’t want to talk about his pretentious ivy league college. squinting so hard and taking a lot of notes (in fact writing paragraphs of analysis to my friends who has no idea what acswy).

the photobooth scene!!! omg i can’t believe u almost deleted it all??? suni is our hero! lots of hugs and kisses and thanks to them!!

i can’t believe mike talked about showing pictures to their friends in one minute and literally kissing will on them in the other. i love them they r so silly and in love and can’t get enough of each other. u can feel how close they become and that the air is thick with the newfound (and rediscovered) feelings. and they can’t live without touching and the hold hands constantly!!! all day long!!! and it’s not enough!!! and oh. i think it wasn’t the last time we saw pictures (squinting even harder).

the way max immediately cut the bullshit and asked about swearshirt. i need to know what lucas wrote to mike.

he likes him!!!

i love the difference between mikes “i know i like him but i won’t do anything about it” and wills “i need to kiss him to death right now!”

and the kiss on the backseat of mikes stupid mustang!! we were all waiting for it!

i think i reread and memorized the last part and in still shaking whenever i think about “nervous” part. mike makes will nervous!! and he makes him shake and do stupid stuff like kissing and blushing and thinking to add heart next to his name and call him his boyfriend!!! omg!!

“I’ve got you, baby” WHO WILL GET ME??? im the one who is going insane??? it’s so tender. my boys 💔💔💔

(the second time. my eyes r hurting from squinting that much. and i feel like we’ll have “el’s not stupid” kind of scene in the flashbacks)

this character hits so hard!! i’ve never doubted any of u but i can see why this one is one of ur favorite thea!

thank u so much for ur hard work. if i could draw i would to the whole ass animation of this chapter (and any other too).

love u. thank u for reading all this rambling

mmm what the fuck is RIGHT alya bc this is how i feel every time i read one of ur lovely essay comments. bc whaqt the fuck. why do u want me to CRY ALL THE TIME. (i guess it's fair considering we are making u cry with the fic itself but still . Rude)

you are so real for trying to read 32k in one hour and also so me . rly fucked up and cruel that you would have to work (even tho u threatened to murder me)...i hope you are freed from these perils Soon. don't ever be too shy to send more asks tho every ask from you is a BLESSING and a TREAT!!! EVEN WHENTHEY ARE LACED W THREATS!!!!!!!!!!!! and also tysm for validating my manual driving lesson description bc fr every video i watched was different and i was so stressed but it's FINE. ALYA SIGNED OFF ON IT SO NO ONE ELSE MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEAL W IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will Does suck and that's one thing we can all agree on 💗💗💗 i was going to include a bit about likee what the engine Sounds like bc i know it sounds different when you're ready to switch gears but honest tbhly the driving scene alone is like 12k and i was super losing steam by the time i thought of it so i didn't <3 he is def a baby and mike def refers to his car as baby so he is right to be confused. but it WAS for him!! we actually aren't 100% sure of mike's feelings Yet (ch08 is meant to be the precipice of a realization, not an actual one) but obviously . we do have a pretty good idea of how he does feel. teehee. also i am glad you are enjoying komh now bc wtf......how is it one of your least faves................i support you but i am also judging u a little alya .

i think keychains will be included in one of the companions :o) also OBVIOUSLY they find each other hot while driving. they're both annoying and down bad 🙄🙄

malls here are super dying!! i think the only ones that aren't are ones in Major Cities (there's two nearby me that are pretty popular, but the other ones are mostly closed, and it's definitely been a phenomenon in the us over the last few years thanks to online shopping)!! the deleted scene is actually from the driving scene, but the bookstore scene Feels shorter bc i was truly at the point where i had nothing left to give when writing it (it was the last part of ch09 to be written), so it definitely suffered from that. if we ever do Huge post-mortem edits once acswy is over, i might go back and add to it, or write a deleted-scene-type companion, but tht's the tea w the bookstore scene <3

the diner scene was SOOOO fun to write and it had me blushing frfr. i answered this in another ask but the middle school sweethearts comment was Definitely the most insane thing that i thought of for this chapter and to me it was for sure the nail in the coffin for will of like damn. ok. he's Serious abt this. bc i think with their #history that will has trouble admitting even to himself that he likes mike, and so he'd need to feel pretty certain of how mike feels first, and after processing the middle school sweethearts comment later in the car that's what made him realize like oh damn. i Do like him. SO MUCH. and we all nodded and patted his back and said yeah baby we know. but what you described mike thinking is absolutely exactly how he feels 💗 very reminiscent and wistful, even.

LOL LITERALLY THIS HAS BEEN A UNANIMOUS COMMENT ACROSS THE BOARD OF "THANK GOD FOR SUNI" (INCLUDING MYSELF). to Explain the way i was feeling about it -- i did not initially mean to have that be a Spicy make out moment! it was supposed to read more along the lines of the thrift store scene, or even the kiss after will finished driving the mustang, so very sweet and soft and Romantic. it just didn't come out that way once i was actually writing it, and so i was nervous that i was toeing the line too heavily, or tht it was out of place with the rest of the vibe i had constructed for the chapter. a combination of suni (and abby, who got early access and acted as our second beta) being adamant that it Did fit and worked well, and me being too pressed for time/not having enough energy to rewrite that saved it from the deleted scene graveyard <3 thank god fr. they are both so fucking stupid.

the entiiiiire realization scene up from will realizing he likes mike to the very end of the chapter is my favorite thing that i have ever written i think 💗 i am just so happy with the way it turned out, especially with it being at the point in the fic that it's at!! it felt rly right for will :') also mike calling him baby!!! that was such a last minute decision but i'm so glad i went for it!! the original line was "i've got you, yeah?" but baby hit So much harder so shout out to editing thea for making that change 🤸 will wants to add a heart next to mike's name in his phone SOOOO BAD!!! WHEN WILL HE GET TO!!!!!!!!!!!

your second ask SO TRUE SO REAL. TEEHEE AND MWAHA AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. also you're so right jonathan is so fucked up for stealing steve from will like that 🙄

tytyty as always for your novel length comment alya 💗 really and genuinely and truthfully the thought of getting to read ur reactions is one of the most exciting parts of uploading a chapter!! i eagerly await all of ur other reactions <3333

[wovetherapy]

Coping with Grief and Loss

In 2022, my life drastically changed. In the span of one month, I unexpectedly lost both my father-in-law and my uncle. My experience with grief at that time was limited. One moment I was living carefree, unaware of what mortality truly felt like; the next, I was faced with palpable loss and two grieving families.

Grief and loss are universal experiences that impact us all at some point. Whether it's the passing of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or the loss of a cherished dream, the journey through grief can be incredibly challenging. My experience managing my grief while trying to support my family helped me discover many aspects of the grieving process that I wasn't aware of beforehand. Understanding more about the process of grief helped me find healthier ways to cope. If you're experiencing grief, here are some ways to navigate the storm and find a path toward healing:

The Five Stages of Grief

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief” based on her research of terminally ill patients. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. If you are experiencing any of these emotions in the wake of loss, it may help to know that it’s both natural and extremely common. However, not everyone who experiences loss goes through all these stages, and that’s okay. The five stages of grief are not a requirement for healing. Some people resolve their grief without going through any stages, while others go through the stages in various orders (Smith et al., 2023). Ultimately, there's no one way to grieve.

The Grieving Process

Grief is a deeply personal experience that looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and a person’s grieving process may depend on many factors, including their personality, life experience, faith, culture, and how significant the loss was to them. This process takes time and happens gradually—there is no timetable for grief. While some people feel better within weeks or months, others grieve for years. Regardless of how long it takes, it’s important to be patient and allow the process to naturally unfold (Smith et al., 2023).

While the grieving process can take many forms, you may consider the following coping skills:

1. Allow Yourself to Feel

In the wake of loss, it's natural to experience a wide range of emotions. The first step in coping with grief is granting yourself permission to feel. Rather than suppress difficult feelings, give yourself the space to experience them and express them without judgment.

2. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is crucial throughout the grieving process. Engage in activities that bring you comfort and joy, whether it's taking walks in nature, reading, practicing meditation, or enjoying a hobby. Nourishing your body and mind can help you build resilience and create moments of reprieve from the intensity of your emotions.

3. Seek Support

Grief can often feel isolating, but that doesn’t mean you have to navigate it alone. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups. Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can provide a sense of belonging and understanding that is crucial during this time. Sharing your feelings and memories can also help you process your emotions and feel less alone.

4. Create Rituals

Rituals can help provide a sense of structure and meaning during a time when life might feel chaotic. Whether it's lighting a candle, saying a prayer, creating a scrapbook, or planting a tree in memory of your loved one, rituals offer a tangible way to honor and remember them. For some people, faith can also provide a sense of comfort, and leaning into cultural or religious rituals can help with the grieving process.

5. Embrace Grief in Waves

Grief doesn't follow a linear path. It often comes in waves, sometimes unexpectedly crashing over you. Understand that this is a normal part of the process. As time passes, these waves might become less frequent and intense, but it's important to be patient and allow the emotions to come and go.

6. Seek Professional Help

If you find that your grief is overwhelming, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Therapists and counselors can provide guidance and coping strategies tailored to your unique situation. They can help you navigate complex emotions and develop tools to manage the challenges of grief.

7. Finding Meaning

Finding meaning in the midst of grief can be a powerful way to cope. Consider engaging in activities that honor the memory of your loved one or channel your emotions into creative outlets. Donating to a cause your loved one cared about or volunteering can also provide a sense of purpose and connection.

8. Embrace the Legacy

As you move forward, consider how you can honor the legacy of the person or thing you've lost. This could involve preserving their traditions, continuing their work, or simply sharing their story with others. By keeping their memory alive, you're ensuring that their impact on your life continues to thrive.

In the face of grief and loss, remember that you are not alone—grief is a universal experience. Embracing your emotions, seeking support, and practicing self-care are coping strategies that can help you navigate this challenging experience. However, the healing process takes time. Remember to be gentle to yourself and reach out for help if you need it.

Click here to schedule an appointment.

[ashbrea381writings]

Flying Blind: Chapter 1, Bats in Paris

Four-year-old Richard Grayson glared at the girl in front of him. Marinette Dupain-Cheng was just six weeks older than him, and right now, she was taller than him too. “You’re gonna lose.” He taunted in heavily accented French, “I got super high scores and you can’t beat them!” “Don’t even think about it! I’m gonna win!” Marinette’s fists were clenched and her face red. “Just you watch!” The Dupain-Chengs and the Graysons shared an amused look over the heads of the children. “How are you doing?” Tom asked, chuckling about the children’s antics. “We’re good, we’ll be starting another tour this summer, then probably settle down for a couple years before moving on.” The two children started shouting even louder, causing them to be dragged apart by their exasperated parents. This happened every competition, for years.

***

Five years later, Richard stopped showing up to competitions. Marinette was annoyed at first, grumbling about him being a chicken who didn’t want to face her. At another competition, a month later, she heard one of the judges talking about the Graysons, making a sad comment about the loss of so many talented people, the wasted potential, an entire family of fliers just gone. Marinette stiffened in shock, her eyes wide as she processed what they had just said. Bolting to the locker room, Marinette yanked her hair out of it’s bun and changed back into her street clothes, hiding in the bathroom stall and crying. When her parents find her some minutes later, they make sure she isn’t hurt and take her home. “He’s dead… Dick’s dead.” She told them tearfully in the car on the way home. “All of them are.” Marinette stopped going to competitions after that.

***

Ladybug could feel the tension in her shoulders as she confronted the man before her, Chat a step behind and to her left. “If your Justice League doesn’t want to help, you could at least stay out of our city.” Her arms were crossed as she glared at Batman. “Why do you think the League wouldn’t help?” Robin asked, his accent strong but his pronunciation carefully precise. “We only heard of the situation recently.” “Oh? I called the League two years ago when our mentor gave up his memories to prevent Hawkmoth from getting something important.” Ladybug spat, letting her disgust show without letting it be bad enough that Hawkmoth could sense it. “I got told to stop playing games and they hung up on me.” “Who did you speak with?” Batman asked, pulling out a small tablet to take notes. “I don’t know, they didn’t say. Male, light voice in the baritone range, sounded way too cheerful until he decided I was lying, then he was just an ass.” She shrugged and gestured to the city around her. “‘Paris is fine, we would have noticed if something bad happened.’” She quoted in a near-perfect impression of Hal Jordan that made Batman frown. “Did you mean to do an impression?” Robin asked, somewhere between surprised and trying not to laugh when the girl his age was able to deepen her voice that much. “It’s accurate, I was there to hear him.” Chat chuckled, crossing his arms and shifting to lean on just one leg. “The guy continued to rant about children making prank calls and how he didn’t even know how we had the number.” “The fact that we had it at all should have told him the truth.” Ladybug scoffed. “Look, I’ve been doing this for four years. If you really wanna help, you’ll need to make sure you don’t fall victim to Hawkmoth yourself.” “And how does one do that?” “Mostly by repressing your negative emotions.” Chat shrugged, looking out over the city. “To be honest, it’s getting harder for Parisians to keep up their hopes. Our ages don’t help either, there are plenty who keep demanding we give up our Miraculi to older, more experienced people, but not just anyone can wield them.” “The personalities of the people wielding them must mesh well with the Miraculous, or it corrupts you and either causes you to become someone you wouldn’t recognize, or makes you very sick.” “That explains why you can’t pass them on, but why were you two chosen?” Robin tilted his head, moving forward a bit more. “We were the best candidates at the time. Our former mentor read our auras to make sure who meshed with which Miraculous and gave us a test to make sure we were the type of people to help others even when it’s not in our best interests.” Ladybug sighed and turned to look as a loud ‘bang!’ sounded from the direction of the Eiffel Tower. “Always the tower, I still don’t get it.” Chat sighed, prepping to take off. “Don’t ask me, Kitty.” Ladybug grabbed her yo-yo. “Stay back out of the fight unless you see a civilian in danger. You don’t know what you’re up against.” Batman looked like he wanted to argue, but the teen heroes took off in the direction of the Akuma that was currently pulling pieces off of the Tower and throwing them at the ground nearby. Batman and Robin found a spot just outside the action to observe. Other members of the Miraculous Team were already on the scene, moving civilians and calling out information to each other. Viperion split off from the action to intercept Ladybug and seemed to have a lot of information. Once they conferred for a few moments, a suddenly weary-looking Viperion gave signals to several of the team members. The Akuma was released, captured, and purified. With the Cure cast, the Tower was repaired and the Miraculous Team collectively shared quiet celebrations before separating except for Chat Noir, who’s Cataclysm hadn’t been used. “LB and the others are going to recharge, check in with their families after the attack, and meet us. I’m to lead you to somewhere private where we can talk more thoroughly.” Chat was brisk, seeming tired. “Your Snake friend… He spent a good portion of the fight observing and only really called out instructions for the most part. Why is that?” Robin asked as they started running across rooftops. “That’s his part. Ladybug is Creation, I’m Destruction, he’s Intuition. He watches the fight and uses his ability to make sure we do not fail when we cannot avoid it otherwise.” Chat answered vaguely, enjoying the verbal cat-and-mouse. “Are you going to tell us what his power is?” Batman asked, his exasperation audible in his voice. “The more information we have, the better we can plan and the more help we can give.” “I’m gonna let Viperion explain, he’s a chill guy, he won’t mind telling you. Besides, they’re all gonna be there and I think LB plans to give you two a rundown of everyone anyway.” Chat explained, dropping down into a small garden hidden between buildings. There was a small storage shed that Chat opened, removing a handful of chairs and a folding table. “I believe LB plans on bringing refreshments, will you help me set this up?”

***

An hour later, the rest of the team had assembled, with more than just Ladybug bringing snacks and drinks. There was something for everyone, although Batman chose not to eat. “So, a rundown?” “My powers stem from Creation, I create an object that helps us in the fight, purify the Akuma, and my Cure repairs any damage done by the miraculous during that specific Akuma fight. If too much time passes after the Akuma was purified, I can’t put it right.” Ladybug began, pointing to Chat next. “His power is from Destruction, he can destroy any one item he touches or a portion of a surface such as the ground or a wall. He can control how far the destruction spreads to a degree, it’s something we’re working on. Viperion has the power of Second Chance, he sets a timer and within that span of time he can reset to the beginning as many times as he wants theoretically. The problem is that he’s the only one who remembers what happened in the timeline he reset, so he has to be able to remember what to do so we can succeed.” “Is that why you suddenly looked more tired during the fight?” Robin asked, brows furrowing. “Yes. Seeing your friends get hurt over and over will do that.” The shaggy-haired hero sighed, shaking his head. “As much as I dislike seeing it, I know that I can prevent it as long as I still have my power active and as long as I’m able to give them the right information when we reset. I’ve gotten a lot better than when we started, but it helped when Chat started to realize I knew what I was doing.” His eyes sparkled with a bit of humor and Chat shook his head with a goan. “You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?” Chat asked, stretching. “Nope, never.” “Anyway.” Ladybug glared at the two boys, but it lacked conviction. “You’ll have to give me the rundown later of how many times we reset. Moving on, Rena Rouge, power of Illusion. Carapace, Protection, his shields are nearly impenetrable.” Ladybug pointed out each hero in turn. “Honey Bee, she can paralyze a person with her stinger, most of these have a duration and are usable just once for now. Pegasus can make portals to anywhere, again, once and there’s a time limit after using it. King Monkey isn’t here right now, but his power disrupts those of whomever is touched with an object he summons. We have one more teammate who doesn’t get involved often. Their name is Bunnyx, and they don’t show up much unless we really need them. They travel through time.” “So you have a time-traveler to come pull you out? Then why don’t they tell you who Hawkmoth is?” Batman demanded. “Because one: that’s cheating, and two: that’s not how they’re supposed to figure it out.” Came another voice from above before a blue, white, and pink blur dropped down behind Ladybug.

***

Note: The competition is for Gymnastics if anyone’s confused.

[mittensmorgul]

Incoming sad rant about the spn ending. Don't read if you're not interested in reading something like that, but I literally don't know anyone in real life I can talk about this with, and I really need an outlet:

Sometimes I can put the way SPN ended out of my head and think "it's just a stupid show. I don't have to accept the finale, and the writers/network are wrong." But other times I just get gripped with really intense sadness at the disrespect that was done to my favorite characters. To the point where I'll sit still for hours a day, just wallowing in it. It ruins my whole day and mood. And then I think to myself "I'll just find some other stories that end better!" but then I get sad again, cuz I don't think I will ever love other characters as much as I love Dean and Cas, and then I spiral again thinking about all the potential this unique beautiful love story had, and how we're never going to get the closure we deserve.

I really hate that after all this time, I'm a grown ass adult getting sad over fictional characters. I know it's not that trivial, but I sometimes wish it was so I could get over it 😞

Hi hi, and first of all *socially distanced internet hugs* I’m sorry you don’t have an outlet, but you’re always welcome to chat with me (if you come off anon we can talk privately if you want. My DM’s are always open, even when it takes me a bit to reply. no one should have to feel alone in this.)

I’m actually gonna start at the bottom of your message and work my way up, because I also, as a grown-ass adult, get sad over fictional characters. And I need to emphasize that this is the *point* of fiction. A well-written and developed fictional character is *indistinguishable in our minds from an actual real human being.* The way we react to them *feels exactly the same to our brains and bodies* as how we react to real people, and that’s a testament to just how well developed Dean and Cas were in canon.

I am not a young person. I have engaged with a lot of media over my life, and have *never* felt this strongly about fictional characters before, so I understand what you mean when you struggle to think about finding another story that ended better, or struggle to think about finding other characters you might become this attached to or experience this sort of emotional investment in. And I think there is another factor you didn’t consider there: The vast majority of other media I have engaged with, I was able to relate to on a level of “oh that’s nice for them” or “wow that sucks for them.” I have never, and possibly never will again, feel so utterly invested in fictional characters, to the point where it affects my real life as much as Supernatural has. Period.

I will likely never experience *literal physical lovesickness* over two fictional characters ever again. I hadn’t ever experienced it *in my own real life* before, and yet 15.18 triggered all those symptoms in me. As an aromantic person, this was pretty shocking to me. It also says a lot about just how real these characters feel to us, and how important they have become to us. They make us feel this! This is not an accident. It’s *incredibly difficult* to create fictional characters with this range and depth of emotional connection, and yet here we are.

I think that’s the biggest evidence possibly to present in defense of the statement that THIS IS NOT JUST SOME STUPID SHOW.

Other evidence: this fandom, still going strong after 15 years. Look at every SPN convention for proof. Look at AO3, where there are more posted stories about Dean and Cas than literally any other pairing on the planet (by a not-small margin, too). If that isn’t enough evidence, we have fanart to look at as well. Look through @theroadsofararchive where at the time of this posting there are over 40,000 artworks catalogued, and more being added all the time. Same with @canonspngifs where you can search through through nearly 75,000 gifsets organized by an excellent tagging system and made by dedicated fans out of love for the thing. This is all proof that you are not alone, that so many of us care just as deeply about them as you do. Not even mentioning the people who have written hundreds of millions of words of meta, articles, and even masters theses and doctoral dissertations on Supernatural and the fandom. This is a unique thing, even within the larger fandom culture. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your feelings for it are stupid or irrelevant or wrong.

But also don’t let anyone try to convince you that you must accept the finale as part of the story if you don’t want to. Don’t even let *yourself* believe that if you don’t want to. This show has done more to play with the themes of “what is reality” and “who gives a story meaning” and alternate universes and curses and djinn dreams to easily account for whatever the heck the finale was.

my current go-to theory: everything after Chuck’s defeat takes place in the Mockumentary Alternate Universe... it fits way too uncomfortably well... and then I just apply the fic I received in a cosmic transmission from the actual supernatural universe wrote detailing the events of what *I* hoped would transpire afterward. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for me, mostly because it *has* to. It means far too much to me not to.

You are not alone in having invested yourself into this story, and these characters. Your feelings about them are not wrong or stupid or frivolous. And the proof is everyone else who feels the same exact way, who connected to this story (and to each other through this story), and whose lives have been forever altered through this journey together. The fact that Dabb turned out to have been Chuck Junior and couldn’t see (or was prevented from showing us) what Team Free Will would’ve chosen to do with that after defeating their original creator just stands to prove to me that the finale can’t possibly be The Truth, you know?

I don’t know if any of this will help you, or provide you some small comfort right now, but maybe it will eventually. We’re all processing the loss of the show and the abject failure of story that was the finale in different ways, and I’m sure our emotional reactions will shift over time. It was just A Lot to process all in the span of a few incredibly emotional weeks-- not even mentioning how all of that emotional response was compounded by the american elections and surrounding nonsense, the general stress of enduring a global pandemic and all that entails, and *waves hands around broadly at everything else contributing to the trauma occurring in the collective of humankind right now.* We’ve all been emotionally compromised, so be kind to yourself in how you feel you’re coping with it all.

And know that no matter what, you are not alone in how you’re feeling. The grief is real, and our brains don’t care if it’s felt for fictional characters or real people. This was honestly a once in a lifetime experience for a lot of us, and not even the wtf of the finale can kill it for us if we don’t let it. I reject that particular piece of rusty rebar and choose to believe in a just and narratively coherent resolution. To do anything less feels like dishonoring the story and characters who have drawn me in and made me feel so much for them over the years. If the story itself couldn’t honor them properly, then I can choose to do so myself.

<3

[awhitehead17]

100 ways to say I love you - TimKon edition:

Number 55: “I don’t mind.” 

Enjoy! :D

“Master Conner, it’s good to see you. I’ve already prepared Master Tim’s bedroom and I’ll be up in a moment with some refreshments and medicine.”

Kon nods at the elderly man, sending him a warm smile. “Thank you Alfred.” Alfred returns the smile and exits the foyer. Once he’s gone Kon turns his attention to Tim who currently has an arm thrown over his shoulders so Kon could help support him. Kon gently nudges him to get his attention. “Hey, you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Tim snaps. Not making eye contact with him, Tim keeps his stare straight ahead and starts moving forward which makes Kon follow suit. “Let’s just get to my room.”

Kon wants to argue with Tim, clearly he isn’t alright because it’s easy to see that he’s in pain and is suffering. Instead he keeps his mouth shut and helps Tim shuffle along towards the staircase that leads up to where the bedrooms are located on the first floor.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up? It’ll be much easier and I don’t-”

“For the last time Conner, no. I don’t want you to carry me. I can walk. It’s my damned hands and side that’s injured not my legs.”

Tim still isn’t looking at him, his focus now on the ground so he could watch where he’s stepping as they take one stair at a time. It hurts Kon that Tim is closing himself off like this. That he isn’t letting himself be vulnerable or to be helped and cared for. The best compromise they could come to is Tim letting Kon support him home and to support him to his bedroom once they arrived.

For a reason Kon doesn’t yet know, Tim is blocking everyone out. It’s like he’s reverted back to his old ways of not asking or seeking for help when he needs it, back to when he didn’t accept the fact that it is okay to ask for help.

During the last mission Tim got badly injured. There are a mixture of first, second and third degree burns covering his body. There’s a slash wound up his side and he’s also got a couple fractured ribs. The burns are the worst on his hands, both are now blistered as a result although his right is much more severe than his left, the doctors are hopeful he’ll gain full function of them both again however it’s just going to take some time.

Tim’s torso makes it look like he’s trying to impersonate a mummy. It’s completely covered in a range of bandages for different reasons. The main span of his chest and stomach has been burnt, it’s blistered in some areas but is only tender in others. It’s all been treated and wrapped, the doctors claimed he’s lucky as it could’ve been much worse but he’ll make a full recovery. His ribs have also been set and wrapped to the best as they could have been considering the other injuries. The wound on his side has several stitches in it, the injury itself hadn’t been deep but it had been wide so the stitches are there for precautionary reasons.

During down time of the mission the Titan’s had been caught off guard. Tim got hit with the brunt of the attack, only wearing half of his suit at the time, hence why the injuries are so bad. Kon hadn’t been there at the time of the attack, having gone away to restock some supplies, so what he knows has come from what the others have told him.

After a week back at the tower Tim stubbornly declared he wanted to return to Gotham. The Titan’s tried reasoning with him but Tim wasn’t listening to any of it, to help ease their minds Kon decided to go to the Manor with him, that and also because he wanted to be there for boyfriend in any way he can.

When they get to Tim’s room, Kon guides Tim inside and helps him over to the bed. Tim gingerly sits down on the edge of the mattress and takes a deep breath to steady himself. He goes through the cycle a couple times while Kon stands to the side hovering worriedly.

Unfortunately standing to the side while Tim battles the pain from his wounds isn’t new, Kon’s experienced it way more times than he would ever want to. Each and every time it happens he can’t help that feeling of uselessness wash over him as he watches his boyfriend struggle. There are times when it’s easier like when Tim willingly asks for help, knowing he doesn’t have to face anything alone, however there are times when he refuses help, like now, and that makes it harder to deal with. Kon loves Tim to pieces but it’s a hard battle each and every time.

Tim opens his eyes and finally looks at him. Kon could see the exhaustion in them as well as the pain and suffering he’s currently enduring. It breaks his heart to see Tim like it.

“I’m going to get some rest…” Tim whispers glancing away from him to the bed he’s sitting on.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Kon responds in the same tone, he takes a step forward on autopilot towards him, “why don’t I-”

“No!”

Kon immediately halts in his tracks at Tim’s yell. He stares wide-eyed at his boyfriend, frozen on the spot unsure on how to proceed.

Tim’s eyes are clenched closed and he’s holding up his less-injured hand in a stopping gesture. “No. I can do it.” Tim’s voice is strained and Kon could hear how much pain he’s in. He just can’t understand why Tim won’t let him help.

“Tim…”

“No Conner.”

They both stay frozen in place, Kon standing to the side staring at Tim while Tim sits on the bed breathing deeply with his eyes closed. Several beats go by where neither one of them move, it’s like they’re waiting for a spell to be undone so they could set in motion again.

Surprisingly what breaks the spell is the quiet sound of a sniffle. It wouldn’t have been noticeable if they were in anything but absolute silence. Kon trains his eyes on Tim, watching him like a hawk, and he catches the barest of movements. How he takes a longer and deeper breath, how his breathing ends up hitching, the way he sniffles again, the way he swallows thickly and how he clenches his eyes shut even tighter.

Kon restrains himself from going over to him despite how much he desperately wants to. Tim doesn’t want to be touched and for now Kon is going to respect that but his resolve is quickly breaking. Even as he breaks down Tim tries to keep himself together and it shatters Kon’s heart to witness it.

When a tear slips down Tim's face Kon’s resolve breaks. He strides over to Tim and kneels down on the floor besides him. Without wasting any more time, Kon does what he’s been wanting to since the start and pulls Tim in close for a hug. He gently cradles Tim’s body against his own, guiding his head to rest against his neck and shoulder and holds him. Tim doesn’t fight him. He wraps his arms around Kon and presses in closer as a sob tears its way out of his throat.

After that the dam has broken and Tim openly cries against Kon, letting all the built up exhaustion, frustration and pain come out in a giant mess and Kon keeps hold of him the entire time.

It takes an unknown amount of time for Tim to calm down, until he’s quiet and limp against Kon. After a few moments Kon carefully moves Tim away from him so he could see his face, Tim blinks blearily at him, his eyes are now puffy and stained red and his face is all flushed. Kon reaches up and strokes his thumb across his cheeks, his palms cradling Tim’s face as he does so.

“m’rry…” Tim mumbles not meeting his eyes.

Kon frowns. “There's nothing to be sorry for Tim. How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“Yeah I bet. C’mon, let’s get you into bed.” Even after his breakdown Kon could see that Tim seems hesitant about accepting help. Kon continues to stroke Tim’s skin softly. “Tim it’s okay to accept help. There’s nothing wrong with it, you know this. It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t change my opinion of you. Let me help you, I don’t mind, I’m here because I want to be.”

In response to that Tim raises his eyes up and meets Kon’s gaze. Kon lets Tim take all the time he needs, all he does is look back at the one he loves, waiting for him to make the next move because now it needs to be Tim's turn.

“Can you help me please?”

Unable to contain it a smile breaks out on Kon’s face. Warmth fills him as Tim asks the all-important question. Kon nods in answer, feeling himself well up with emotion because of the significance of it.

Kon turns his head and presses a kiss to Tim’s temple. “Of course I’ll help. I’ll always help no matter what.”

“Thank you Kon, for everything.”

Kon draws back and meets Tim’s eyes again. “Thank you for trusting me. Now let’s get you ready for bed, let you sleep some of this off. I’ll still be here with you tomorrow.”

[lilrexsoka]

Hi Hi Hi... Ready for more angst? :)

Rexsoka Week 2020 Day 5 Prompt- Shadows

Tagging- @officialrexsoka

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26698138/chapters/65313565

Read it on AO3 or below!

Rating: G

Warnings tags- Angsty/depressive thoughts, anger.

He’d thought that seeing his best friend on a wanted post, chasing after her with intent to capture or having to give that order was difficult. It had been just as difficult as the battle of Umbara, or knowing that she was locked up on Zygerria with half a dozen slavers willing to bid her away. It was hard to remember that all of this had happened in a matter of months, and each time he had been as helpless as last.

Rex had almost jumped after her into the depths of the lower levels of Coruscant. His heart had practically slammed against his rib cage as if it too was tempted to fling itself after her. What had stopped him was her own word. She had planned to get herself out of that mess on her own, without her Master’s help, and without him.

Anakin had brought his Captain back to the barracks and suggested he get some rest. “Trust in Ahsoka,” he had told the clone. Rex did. That didn’t stop him from worrying for her the rest of the evening. He would have torn out his hair if it had been long enough; the entire Republic thought that Ahsoka Tano was a criminal. Even if he himself should have believed it with all of the evidence stacked against her, he couldn’t stop himself from insisting to every sympathetic brother who approached him that she would never have bombed the temple, never would have killed innocent clones.

He didn’t sleep.

It was early, perhaps just before sunrise, when his comm rang incessantly. “Rex,” Anakin’s voice gasped, piercing through the clone’s drowsy haze. “They found her. They’re taking her in.”

The clone came with the General to retrieve her; the Wolf Pack boys had found her in a warehouse filled with the same explosives that had killed the Jedi in the Temple. Rex still told himself that it had been a coincidence. He knew that girl. He knew her tells for when she lied. She had not lied. She would never do such a thing.

She had been stunned and set up against the back wall of the ship. Rex had held her up gently by her shoulder and studied her lifeless face. She was covered in swaths of dust, her clothing ruffled and skin scuffed. She wore the expression of someone tormented while they slept; clearly, the stun bolt had not eased her torture. Rex had only seen her like this a select few times before, and always when she had a brush with death. He had to concentrate and feel the pulse in her neck to remind himself that she was still alive. Though wherever she was going, he wasn’t sure it would be any better.

The Padawan stirred as they landed at the prison; as the Coruscant guards dragged her away, she cast the Captain a sad glance before they shoved her forward and out of his vision.

Rex felt like crying out of frustration. But they wouldn’t listen to anything he had to say about her innocence.

“You should go back to the barracks again. It looks like you haven’t slept a wink,” Skywalker told his Captain again with a sympathetic pat on the shoulder plate. He hadn’t, and though he would have stood outside until he could see her next, he knew that would be pointless. It was up to the court to decide her fate.

He did end up sleeping, but it was only out of pure exhaustion. It was only for an hour or two, and just at the time the sun would begin to rise, Rex received a private message from Anakin. She left, It simply read. It took a lot of begging, but eventually, the clone was able to squeeze her location out of the General. He couldn’t let her walk out… not before he could talk to her.

He caught up to her at the very bottom of the grand steps that lead up to the Jedi temple. Anakin had returned to whatever business he had next to attend a while ago, but somehow she had yet to leave the Temple behind. She stood still, her face tilted up to the sunrise. She looked impossibly resigned despite the tears in her eyes as if she had already accepted her fate. He was almost hesitant to call out her name; she was clearly deep in thought, perhaps enjoying the last few moments where she could see the same view as the Temple she had once trained in. “Ahsoka.”

The Togruta slowly turned at her name. Her expression did not change, but the corners of her lips rose. “Rex,” she breathed.

The clone stopped on one of the steps instead of meeting her; he tore off his bucket and tucked it into his side. “I had to come see you,” he explained softly. “I… I heard what happened.” With a sigh, he decided he had to ask. “How can you leave, Ahsoka? Right in the middle of the war?” How can you leave me, after all we have been through?

Now she really looked like she was on the verge of tears. “I had to. I couldn’t stay,” she insisted miserably. “There is something wrong with the Council. It’s not the Order I knew. They didn’t believe me, Rex. They thought I had killed people.” She sniffed angrily and wiped her nose. “They’re corrupt. I couldn’t stay in an Order that is so obviously wrong.” Her chest heaved as she sighed a heavy, calming breath.

“Then you need to correct it,” Rex protested desperately. “If they really are wrong, then they won’t realize it. You can’t abandon them now, Ahsoka. Please. Don’t abandon your troops. Your Master. Me.” Maybe it was selfish to plead, but it was very rarely that Rex had ever wanted circumstances to change so badly.

“There is nothing I can do. I’m only one Padawan.” Ahsoka shook her head and hugged herself even tighter. She was shivering. “And I’m sorry. I really am. I never wanted this to happen!” Now she was outright sobbing. “Please understand, Rex. I don’t think I could live If I knew you hated me.”

Finally, the clone finished the descent to the bottom step where Ahsoka stood. He was still taller than her, though it seemed that she grew every day. Her face; still scuffed, streaked with tears and utterly stretched with despair, seemed to imprint itself in his head. He wished he could make her smile again and chase away everything that had pained her. All he could do, however, was try and assure her. “I believed in your innocence. I really did.” With everyone against her, it had to be a nice thing to hear.

“I know you did,” the Padawan answered quietly. Hesitantly, with a feather-light touch, she reached out and slipped her fingers through Rex’s. “You’re a good person,” she complimented as she brought his hands to her chest. “Better than I. I have to go, Rex. There are things I need to sort out, and I have to do it alone.”

He felt reality itself was slipping like a boulder down a hill. He had never imagined what it might be like to not have the likeable Togruta by his side. “I… don’t know how I will fare without you.” The pain he felt was unlike any that he had experienced before; no tumble, strike or explosion had ever caused an ache like when Ahsoka had told him she was leaving. It was as if a giant hole had replaced the organs in his chest, which was then filled with the weight of his emotions.

Ahsoka just shook her head. “This has been the hardest choice I have ever made.” It was whispered through tears and a trembling lip. “Be strong, Rex. And I promise we will meet again.” With an entirely sad expression, eyes wide and glistening with a hand that curved around the plates of his arm for just a moment, it was clear she was in as much despair as he.

Rex had wanted to tell her something at that moment, though what he had wanted to say slipped off of his tongue. He merely remained silent as the Togruta leaned forward and he met her gesture. Pressing their foreheads together, hands still clutched desperately, the clone decided this was how he wanted to remember her. Not as the framed innocent who had fought for the truth despite all odds. Not the mature, brave warrior that had made a difficult choice, but instead a caring, emotional friend who was always ready to show her love.

He watched her go and tried very hard to collect his thoughts. They jumbled and stirred in his mind, flinging emotions throughout his already aching body. Nobody contacted him to ask where he had disappeared to. Maybe, somehow, they knew, because when the captain returned to the barracks and announced the newest change, his brothers merely dipped their heads in reverie. They didn’t offer condolences, but Kix did ask if he cared for a sleeping aid. Rex denied it. He didn’t need sleep. He had only needed her.

There was still a flurry of emotions clouding his judgment when the Captain awoke in the medbay after sleeping off the anesthetic his troops had stuck in him. Rest had not helped. He still was completely aware that his Commander was unfairly ripped away from everything she had loved. He was getting tired of feeling so much pain and sorrow, all in a short span of time. Pushing them down only worsened the emotion that he had always struggled the most with hiding; anger. The shadows closed in, and he felt as hopeless then as he did under Krell’s command.

He might have punched in a wall if he hadn’t thought about what Ahsoka might have said. She might suggest he talk about his frustration, or have a drink of tea over a mediation session. She would have told him not to be upset at something he couldn’t change. She would have made him forget out the circumstances with a joke and a fanged grin.

But now she was gone. The light was gone. There would be nothing to chase away the darkness, and nothing would ever be the same without her.

[spiritmoon23]

Throwing Shade: The Art of Using Color to Study

A bit of a throwback (last year haha) but for my cognitive psychology class we had to make a blog post about our topic of choice, and mine won best in show! (I got 100% on it and I deserved it in full)

For anyone interested, the link is here for the full effect (colors and images I picked out myself :) ), but the full text will be under the cut- without the lovely graphics that it

ABSTRACT: Do you take your notes in color? Maybe you should start. Note taking is the one thing that remains constant throughout the years in education. Students will often take notes in color or draw in their margins, which not only makes note taking more fun, but it can help keep you engaged in the material, and retain the information you’re taking notes on!

Throwing Shade: The Art of Using Color to Study

Do you take your notes in color? Maybe you should start.

Note taking is the one thing that remains constant throughout the years in education. Your parents took notes, their parents took notes, your professors took notes from their professors who took notes. But, your notes don't have to be the same notes they’ve been taking all these years. Back in the day, students were stuck with sad, boring ink and pencils in the same three colors for generations. Why don’t we try something new? Nowadays, along with the invention of sparkly gel pens for the people who still write theirs in notebooks, many students have started to take notes on computers, which makes it even easier than ever before to introduce colors and graphics into your delightful shorthand. Not only does this make it more fun to take notes, but it also helps to keep you engaged, and even helps you remember the information you’re taking notes on.

What is memory?

Obviously, memory is what you remember, right? Simply put, yes, but there’s more to it than that- there always is, isn’t there? It involves keeping, finding, and using information about things we have experienced in some way before that moment, but is something you’re not currently experiencing (1). For example, I could ask you to remember what a field of corn looks like, smells like, or sounds like, and you could tell me without having to be standing in one right now. That’s memory.

Memory is a process with a lot of steps and a lot of mechanisms that we don’t entirely understand just yet, but we do know what kinds of things make your memory better. Namely, things that either grab your attention, or emotionally invest you in them (2). That’s why you remember that embarrassing thing you did five years ago (while you’re trying to sleep, every time), and can’t remember what you had for lunch last week. 

Emotion can be engaged by many things, but so can your attention. When you’re driving down the highway and the giant red McDonald’s billboard catches your eye, or when the “Ooh, something shiny!” reflex kicks in, something is grabbing your attention and forcing you to think about it. There are a few ways to grab someone’s attention in this manner, but the best way? Nothing can grab someone like a striking color palette.

Coloring Your Attention

Color catches your (visual) attention better than any other visual stimuli, because it takes the least amount of effort to perceive (3). Then, the longer you look at that stimulus, the longer it has to imprint on your short term memory. That visual information worms its way quickly into the long term memory after the prolonged exposure. This is why marketing is often very colorful, with lots of moving shapes and textures, and loud, ranging sounds. They want your attention more than anything else, so you remember their name or product better than the competition.

But, I can definitely hear you asking me, what does this have to do with me as a student? Doesn’t that just mean the powerpoint I’m reading off of should be in kaleidoscope colors? Yes, it should. But more specifically to you as the student, color is a form of creative expression that you can use to enhance your memory.

Being Creative With Your Memory

Being creative during class, especially when taking notes, keeps you engaged and interested in the material, and this will make it stick in your memory longer than if you were just copying information down as you hear it (4). But not everyone can make masterpieces in the margins of their notebooks, now can they?

Well, adding color to your notes is a form of creative expression that anyone can participate in, no matter how creative or creatively skilled they are. You can’t even draw a stick figure? That’s okay, you don’t need to! Instead, try switching colors in between each topic, and if you want to go a step further, make color patterns with them outside of just the plain rainbow. As long as you are expressing yourself in a creative manner while you’re taking notes, your mood and motivation will be much higher (5).

So, What Colors Should I Be Using?

Use whatever colors make you happiest. I keep notes in blues, purples and greens, because my favorite colors are the cool ones. Use whatever colors, mediums, images, or annotations that speak best to you, like your favorite colors, cutesy patterns, doodles, or whatever strikes your fancy.

However, there is a correct answer to this question. There has been a few different studies that have been conducted about this, and the results vary (no matter how many colors I make it, the periodic table isn’t going to be memorable to an interior designer, after all), but most commonly the primary and secondary colors like red, green, and yellow, are the most memorable colors (3). Even more specifically, use warm colors like red and orange over cool colors like blue and purple, as these colors tend to catch your attention better and for longer (6).

Sources

1. Goldstein, E. B. (2019). Cognitive psychology: Connecting mind, research, and everyday experience. Cengage.

2. Gomes, C. F., Brainerd, C. J., & Stein, L. M. (2013). Effects of emotional valence and arousal on recollective and nonrecollective recall. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition, 39(3), 663-677. doi:10.1037/a0028578

3. Bae, G., Olkkonen, M., Allred, S. R., & Flombaum, J. I. (2015). Why some colors appear more memorable than others: A model combining categories and particulars in color working memory. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(4), 744-763. doi:10.1037/xge0000076

4. Baack, D. W., Wilson, R. T., & Till, B. D. (2008). Creativity and Memory Effects: Recall, Recognition, and an Exploration of Nontraditional Media. Journal of Advertising, 37(4), 85-94. doi:10.2753/joa0091-3367370407

5. Ceci, M. W., & Kumar, V. K. (2015). A Correlational Study of Creativity, Happiness, Motivation, and Stress from Creative Pursuits. Journal of Happiness Studies, 17(2), 609-626. doi:10.1007/s10902-015-9615-y

6. Jadhao A, Bagade A, Taware G, Bhonde M. Effect of background color perception on attention span and short-term memory in normal students. Natl J Physiol Pharm Pharmacol 2020;10(11):981-984

[scripttorture]

Hi, how are you? I hope you're having a great day. If it's not too much to ask, I read the articles you linked about child soldiers, and they were very helpful, but not exactly what I'm looking for.. Do you happen to have links of first account stories or diaries of child soldiers? Two lead characters in my wip have been child soldiers in multiple wars in their country. (The setting is light fantasy, think non-European medieval times) (Child soldiers ask/1)

(Childsoldiers ask/2) Theyserved their country, and outside of war time, they received militaryeducation but were under significantly less pressure and stress, sowhile they never felt patriotic toward their country, they didn’tfind a reason to leave yet. That is until they turned 15-16 and wereforced to fight in the front field, where they saw the brutality oftheir own country by themselves, they tried to escape right then andthere, – (Child soldiers ask/3)–but were Captured by the enemy and spent a few weeks doing forcedlabor in an enclosed camp, before they were sold into slavery andbecame house slaves for a nobleman of their country’s enemies. Theymake friends with a slave there, who with a story of his own, hastried multiple times to escape but was always captured, punished(whipped), and forced to work right away. (Child soldiers ask/4)Theyfinally escape when the nobleman’s child bride kills him on the veryfirst night and joins them in a long escape out of the country,before they were rescued by the other slave’s friends. The storydoesn’t go too far in terms of time span, they don’t finish a year inslavery and then after that they help out (but don’t participate inbattle) in another war, before the story ends, maybe another 6months. (Child soldiers ask/6)Sowhile I have the elements of their rehabilitation into the peacefulcivilian life completed, I’d like more in-depth information about howthey would personally feel in that situation. The girl feels a lot ofshame for leaving her country, but has no wishes to return until theyfix the system, while the boy absolutely hates it and – (Childsoldiers ask/7)–onlyfeels resentment for it because of the abuse he suffered, but that’sonly after they learn what normal children their age should be doingand how they’re treated. Symptoms of anxiety and PTSD are prominentin their lives, but should I add more? And would the abuse the boysuffered from be counted as torture? I know this is long so thanks inadvance for your patience :) (Child soldiers ask/8)

-

I don’t think you will find the kind of in-depth first hand accounts you’re looking for without paying for them. That said there are books by former child soldiers that might fit.

 I’m not aware of any diaries, most of these books were written years or decades after the fighting stopped. On a basic level I’m not sure many children that young keep a regular diary and many adult diarists have found it impossible to keep one going through a war.

 This is a research book based on interviews with child soldiers that I’m ordering (M Wessel’s Child Soldiers: From Violence to Protection). This one is a first hand account, I Beah A Long Way Gone. There’s also E Jal’s War Child: A Child Soldier’s Story. Girl Soldier co authored by G Akallo and F J H McDonnell might also be useful, it draws heavily on Akallo’s experience as a child soldier. Child Soldier by C Keitetsi may also be useful.

 I have not read any of these first hand accounts. I find it… telling that all of the detailed first hand accounts I can find in English are by Africans. The difficulty finding accounts from European and Asian child soldiers may reflect a bias in the publishing industry, or simply one in the search engine I’m using.

 Searching for the Khmer Rogue, recent conflicts in the Balkans and memoirs from Poland during world war two will probably all bring up more memoirs from child soldiers. However those available for free may be shorter and vaguer, while more detailed memoirs may be untranslated.

 You can also find accounts by using Amnesty International’s search function. There are 171 results relating to child soldiers. I have not read all of them and Amnesty’s interviews tend to be on the short side but these do contain useful first hand accounts.

 In terms of whether the characters ‘count’ as survivors- I think it’s important to remember that we’re talking about a purely legal distinction and I think you could argue the case either way.

 The UN declaration against torture says that to be torture something must cause severe pain or suffering. But it explicitly says that need not be physical. Something that is intended to cause mental distress (desecration of corpses or religious sites, forcing Hindus to eat beef or Muslims to eat pork, etc) can be defined as torture.

 I think that the systematic exploitation and bullying of a child by armed forces could count under modern law.

 However there’s no indication in this that these soldiers have been ordered to bully this child or that they’re doing it for one of the four very well defined motivations the UN declaration outlines.

 But the argument about whether it meets the strict legal definition seems like a distraction from the real question here which seems to be: ‘how traumatising is this scenario? Is the symptom level appropriate?’

 I think it could be however it’s unclear to me whether the characters are both suffering from PTSD and anxiety or whether one has PTSD and the other anxiety.

 I don’t think it’s a good idea to give all the survivors in your story the same symptoms. There is variety in survivors in real life. If you’re writing multiple survivors in the same story then it’s important to try and reflect that variety.

 Two symptoms seems like a perfectly reasonable level for the girl to me. It could also work for the boy. But personally if I was writing this scenario and trying to put forward the idea that the boy has lived through more I would give him more symptoms as well. If you are trying to establish something as ‘worse’ in the narrative then you should be prepared to back that up with consequences for the characters.

 The slave character, who has been tortured and forced to work for a relatively long time, should definitely have more then two symptoms. I think something more in the range of 3-5 would be appropriate.

 I get the impression from the other asks you’ve sent that you tend to consistently underestimate symptoms.

 Try not to look at symptoms as flaws or limiting factors on your characters. They are not things that you have to struggle to reduce.

 Try instead to think of them as opportunities for you, the author.

 Disability and mental illness should not be an insurmountable barrier to the plot. Because it is not an insurmountable barrier in most people’s lives.

 These things do create difficulties and problems, often problems that are socially constructed. But people who live with disabilities and mental illness find ways around these problems every day. This necessary creative thinking is an addition to any story.

 If your character is in a wheelchair and the important plot device is up a flight of stairs then that shouldn’t mean the character can’t succeed. Instead it means they need a different, less obvious, way to get what they need.

 And the solution you choose tells readers more about the character. They might build a device that lets them glide right to the top or plant explosives around the foundations and bring the tower down or hire someone to carry them up. Each of those solutions tells you something about the character as a person.

 Symptoms are like that. They are narrative opportunities.

 Think about why you’ve chosen PTSD and anxiety. Think about which character they work best with. Think about what those symptoms add.

 And consider the other common symptoms and the common memory problems your characters could have. Use them to create varied survivors with different responses.

 I worry any time I see an author say their character ‘only feels’ a particular emotion. Because this is never true for people. And while authors often mean ‘this character feels that particular emotion a lot’ sometimes they mean it literally.

 A well-written character is not one emotional note, whether they’re a survivor or not.

 Resentment towards the adults who exploited and hurt him isn’t unreasonable. Shame about the atrocities she was forced to participated in isn’t unusual.

 Think about how to build on these starting points.

 If the girl feels ashamed about what she did how does she feel about the people she left behind? Does she think they’re immoral or does she feel sympathy for them and the way they’ve been manipulated?

 Does the boy primarily resent the people or what happened to him? Does he associate everyone from his country with what he endured? If so does he view the country that enslaved him differently? Does he see the girl he’s escape with as an exception or does his view of his country effect how he sees her?

 Even if these emotions are experienced more often these characters should feel more then one thing. Think about what might prompt other feelings.

 If the girl is trapped in a depressive spiral what could pull her out of it for a while? Anger or defensiveness on behalf of her friend? An odd incident that prompts a laugh? Awe or pride at the realisation of how much she’s already done? Because by escaping an active army and enslavement in a foreign country she has already achieved much more then most.

 Similarly what could puncture the boy’s rage? What would shock him? What would make him cry?

 Is he holding on to anger because he’s afraid of what he might be or feel without it?

 A lot of this boils down to standard writing advice for any character: they should feel like complete people.

 That doesn’t mean they can’t be flawed, or wrong or missing something important in their lives. It means that they need to feel ‘real’; as if they have dreams and fears and personalities that are possible.

 Writing survivors is more complicated but that doesn’t mean the usual approaches to character creation don’t apply. Personal history or traumatic events shouldn’t replace a character’s personality, wants or worries.

 And that can be hard to write. Because you’ve got to do all the same work you would for a non-traumatised character, then add another layer of work on top of that.

 In fact it’s more then that, because you have to merge all these things and make it look seamless, effortless for the reader.

 I emphasised a lot of the planning and thinking part of character creation here. And that is important.

 But if you’re struggling with your confidence or character creation generally there is no substitute for practice.

 Give yourself permission to experiment, to learn, to get things wrong. This is part of everyone’s writing process.

 So yes, think, plan, search for opportunities with things like symptoms. But also practice. Write short scenes or stories. Write multiple versions of the same scene. Try out writing the same character with different symptoms to figure out which you like best.

 I hope that helps. :)

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[lantern-inthenight]

Playing the Vocals (series)

Chapter 7: All the Pieces

Pairing: Josh x fem!Reader

Word Count: 4140

Warnings: Language, smut (18+ ONLY), angst :)

A/N: This is my favorite chapter. That’s all.

Summary: Josh and Reader are competing vocalists at a music college. They are each trying to win a competition as soloists, but their advisor tells them they can only win as a duo. They begrudgingly become partners, but find that they may have bitten off more than they can chew.

Rehearsals continued as planned, just like Miss Michaels said they would. The only thing that changed was the way your instructor looked at you sometimes. You would occasionally glance at her during an interaction with Josh, only to find Michaels squinting at the two of you. She looked suspicious as all hell, and you knew she had every right to be.

To her, it appeared that you and Josh had experienced a sudden epiphany. In the span of six days, your rivalry had simmered down to a respectful agreement more akin to being coworkers. And that didn’t sit right with Michaels at all. After all, you and Josh were still a couple of temperamental artists, whose talents were matched only by your egos.

But Michaels coached you nonetheless, and she was relieved that the fighting seemed to have died down. The rehearsals went quite smoothly, with the quality of your performances only improving. These, as well as your almost daily trysts with Josh, were your new normal. Everything settled down into a routine, a constant hum that served as the background music of your life for the following three weeks.

Until one night a month before the competition, when you woke up from a dream crying Josh’s name. In fact, it was the very word spilling from your lips that pulled you from the haze of sleep.

You sat bolt upright in bed, panting. The muscles between your legs were fluttering, aching with the unsatisfied urge given to you by your dream. You glanced over at your phone, already wide awake.

It was just after eleven o’clock. Shit. You must have fallen asleep early.

It was dark in your apartment, except for the streetlights painting your walls in stripes through the blinds. You got up and shuffled to the kitchen, pouring yourself a glass of water and bringing it back to your room. You collapsed back into bed with a sigh. You really needed to have a talk with yourself about what exactly was happening between you and Josh. Sure, you barely spoken to him outside of practice, or your bedrooms, but why did you feel a weird attachment to him? Did you even have a right to feel that way about him? After all, you hated each other, right?

...right?

You shook your head at yourself, knowing that that wasn’t true. Not that either of you said it to each other. But there was no way he would look at you the way he did if he hated you. And if you hated him, why did you feel so lonely upon waking up and realizing he wasn’t there?

Your first instinct was to text him. But as you laid there with the phone in your hand, you found yourself hesitating. Was he really at your beck and call like that? Could you just casually text him late at night on a Thursday, asking him to come over?

No, you couldn’t. He wasn’t yours; not like that. So you turned your phone over and buried your face in the pillow instead. With nothing to do, and no sleep on the horizon, your mind wandered. What was Josh doing right now? Was he in his bed, wondering the same thing about you? Or, more likely, was he out with a pretty girl from one of your classes?

You inhaled deeply, unintentionally catching the scent of Josh’s hair on the pillow. You hugged it tighter to yourself, trying your best to close your eyes and imagine that it was him instead.

Because, as much as you hated to admit it, you wanted so badly for it to be him. You wanted him there with you, to hold you as the sobs started to shake your body. To run his hands over your shoulders as they heaved with each breath. To brush the hair out of your face as you cried into the pillows, wishing that it was his shirt instead.

But when you opened your eyes, there was no Josh. No familiar scent, no soft lips, no gentle hands. You were alone.

The soft buzz of your phone pulled you from your self-pity and loneliness. You wiped your eyes to be able to clearly see the text on your screen. Sitting up, you tried your best to focus on the words through the teardrops stuck to your eyelashes.

It was from Josh. He had sent you a text asking if you wanted to walk to practice together tomorrow.

You couldn’t stop yourself from hitting the call button. You couldn’t help but wait with bated breath as the line rang. You weren’t sure if you wanted him to answer or not.

Josh picked up on the second ring.

“Hey,” he answered. His voice was soft and you could hear the smile in it.

“Hey,” you repeated back to him, a little too quickly. You swallowed before continuing.

“I just figured, um, it’d be easier to talk on the phone.”

“Okay,” he replied. It was quiet on the other end of the line. You hoped that meant he was home, and not with someone. But you mentally slapped yourself for thinking that. You had no right to think that.

“We can definitely walk to rehearsal together. Want to just meet by the dining hall?”

“Sure,” Josh confirmed, his tone light. But there was a question on his mind.

“Hey, are you okay?”

You closed your eyes, embarrassed. You had hoped your voice wasn’t cracking too much. But the crying was too recent, and the lump in your throat impeded your voice. It only grew at his concern, but you couldn’t put a finger on why.

“I, um…” you trailed off, unable to lie. Admitting the truth was even harder. Josh was patient while you grappled with the words.

“Not really,” you sighed. Then came the question-- you couldn’t stop it. “Are you doing anything right now?”

“No,” Josh said right away. You almost could have convinced yourself he sounded eager. But you didn’t dare to be that arrogant, instead stuttering through your response.

“Do you-- do you want to come over, maybe?”

Josh hesitated before answering, and you regretted even asking. Was he second-guessing his own eagerness? How desperate you must sound, tired and half-crying still. But Josh’s answer was certain enough for both of you.

“Yeah. I’ll be over in a bit.” His voice was soft but steadfast, and your heart fluttered in your chest.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

You scrolled absentmindedly through Tumblr until Josh knocked at your door. You tried your best not to run to the front door, on the off chance that he could hear your footsteps approaching.

When you opened the door, Josh greeted you with a warm smile.

“Hey,” he said, looking at you kindly. You felt heat rising to your cheeks as you replied.

“Hi. Come in.”

Josh just smiled again, and you took in his appearance as he passed you. He wore a long-sleeved, black t-shirt, with a pair of inexplicable rose-colored shorts. You were so relieved by his presence that you couldn’t even be annoyed at how good they looked on him. Josh stopped in your kitchen, and you took the lead from there. Walking to your room for the second time that hour, you sighed with relief at the sound of his shoes pittering on the hardwood behind you.

“I, uh, I hope I didn’t interrupt anything when I called,” you remarked nervously, sitting on the edge of the bed. Josh only sat down when you patted the spot next to you, watching him with doleful eyes. You felt it in your chest when his weight settled onto the mattress. Something about it was just right.

“No, I was just watching an old film.”

Josh’s gaze was gentle when it landed on your face across from his. But there was concern in his eyes. You could see the moment that he noticed your eyelashes were wet, and your eyes bloodshot. There was a strand of hair stuck to a tear track on your cheek, and he reached up slowly to brush it away.

You wanted to tell him. The words boiled inside you, but you didn’t know how to get them out. So you waited for Josh to ask the inevitable, his fingertips lingering on your cheek.

“What happened?” His tone was protective, and it made you happy for some reason. But you shook your head, trying your best to give a light chuckle.

“Nothing, I just… I had a dream, and it… It got to me.”

Josh looked relieved that it wasn’t something more serious. But still, concern pushed his eyebrows together in a frown.

“Like a nightmare? What was it about?”

“It was about you…” you trailed off, already feeling ashamed. Josh blinked in surprise. You continued, already past the point of no return.

“...but it wasn’t a nightmare.”

You took a deep breath as your admission sank in. Josh appeared to be going through a range of emotions. First, more surprise, then the tiniest of smirks, and lastly, confusion.

“So why have you been crying?”

Time to scare him off, you thought. When you spoke, your voice was barely a whisper.

“Because I woke up and you weren’t there.”

Josh squinted, and for a moment you thought he hadn’t heard you. But he looked at the floor with another look of confusion, and you guessed correctly that he had. When he looked back up at you, his expression wasn’t one of judgement, but perplexion.

“And I just… wanted you there. Here, I mean,” you corrected yourself, gesturing with one hand. Your other hand fidgeted with a loose string on your shorts. But Josh didn’t answer, chewing on his lip. You could almost see the gears turning in his head, and the panic started to set in. You shook your head, trying to backpedal.

“God, I’m sorry. I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have called.”

Josh looked back up to you, concerned. But you chattered on, convinced this was all a mistake. You waved your hands in front of yourself as you talked, too upset to notice Josh taking them into his own. A renewed well of tears pricked at your eyes.

“I didn’t mean to waste your time. I’m j--I’m just being ridiculous--”

His lips were on yours before you could blink. And that was all the response you needed. You froze in surprise, but Josh was steadfast once again, the quiet but assured counterargument to your doubts.

The movement of his lips against your mouth softly willed those doubts away. He held your hands clasped together in one hand, the other hand cupping your face gently. Then, you were leaning in close, deepening the kiss and sighing against his mouth.

Suddenly, your willingness overtook his, and you were pulling your hands from his and throwing them around his neck instead. You tilted your face into Josh’s, trying to get as close to him as possible. The desperation overtook you and you had to feel him. It felt like you might lose your mind without him on you for a moment longer, and you were pulling at his shirt. The fabric was nothing more than an obstacle, and you had to get rid of it.

But Josh surprised you again. He pulled back, both hands on your cheeks. The look on his face was indecipherable. You winced, fear seeping back into your mind. Had he simply been giving you a goodbye kiss?

“I’ll take care of you,” he told you firmly. His voice was steady, his gaze searching your face for any sign of discomfort. When he found none, he continued.

“Just slow down. Let me take care of you.”

You nodded, still crying a little. Josh brushed the falling tears with featherlight touches of his thumbs. And then he was leaning in again, to press gentle kisses to either corner of your mouth. You were still frozen there, emotional and tired. But Josh made good on his word, kissing you softly for just a moment before sliding his hands up your back. He pulled your shirt over your head, dropping it to the side. Placing his hands on your back once again, he kissed you a little harder this time. You sighed at the contact, blinking away the last tears.

“Lean back. I’ve got you,” Josh whispered, leaning back and watching you closely. His hold on your upper body never faltered as you followed his instruction. He lowered you onto your pillows, the ones that already smelled of him. Before you could pull at him again, Josh sat back and pulled his shirt off.

You tilted your head to look at him. The stripes painted on the wall by the streetlight outside landed on Josh instead, covering his torso in pale orange bars. The light was distorted by the slight curve of Josh’s front, the hard and flat muscles moving as he breathed.

You reached up to ghost your fingertips over those muscles as he leaned over you, bracing himself with one hand next to your shoulder. His other hand settled on your jaw, tilting it up for a kiss. Josh inched up between your legs, never leaving your mouth, until your centers were close. It was then that you noticed something.

He wasn’t even hard yet. Josh, usually at full attention for you right away, was only a little fuller in his shorts than normal.

Great, you thought. I cried all over him and now he can’t even be turned on.

But Josh wasn’t paying attention to his own pleasure. Just like he said, he was focused only on you. His lips left your face to wander down along your neck and collarbones. He kissed his way down your sternum, the touches of his lips sending tingles in their wake. It was simultaneously satisfying and frustrating, driving you nearly mad.

He stopped just short of your belly button, parting his lips to give a soft kitten lick before moving himself back up to your face. His hand settled next to your shoulder once again, but his other hand didn’t come back up to your face like before.

Instead, you felt Josh pulling at your underwear, his fingertips curling around the elastic of the waistband. He pulled them down, over your hips, and you shimmied yourself to get them off completely.

When you were naked underneath him, Josh’s wandering hand returned to the supple skin between your thighs. This time, unimpeded by fabric, he trailed two fingers along your heat. You watched him sigh and look down at you with hooded eyes when he realized how wet you were. Wholly and truly aching for him. You could tell he wanted to say something about it, and pre-empted him.

“Please don’t make me beg,” you whispered. Josh gave a slight chuckle, and ducked down to kiss you quickly.

“I won’t.”

And he pushed a finger into you. Slowly, to be gentle with you, he pulled it back and then in again. Josh set a rhythm that was deliberate, painstaking, and wonderful. With each slide of his hand, he pressed his middle finger upward, into the most succulent part of you.

It was enough to make you whine and dig your nails into his ribs. Josh leaned down, the corners of his mouth twitching up into a slight smile. He pressed his mouth to yours again and swallowed all of the little noises you made, kissing you sweetly even as you squirmed beneath him. You held him by the neck with one hand, continuing to scrape your nails lightly against his side.

“Do you want to come like this?” Josh murmured against your lips. You whined, moving your hands up to hold his face.

“No. I want to come around you.”

It was the strongest your voice had been all night. Josh noticed this and you felt his grin when he kissed you one more time. He pulled his fingers from you slowly, teasing your clit with the wet fingertips. But instead of bringing them to your mouth to be sucked clean (as was the usual at this point), Josh instead wiped your slickness on himself.

You watched with wide eyes as Josh got himself wet for you, his fingers sliding down his member. And he was achingly hard. You smiled in relief, and a little at being so turned on, that his mood wasn’t ruined by your earlier crying. Or rather, that he wasn’t ready to do anything without making sure you were okay first.

Josh lined himself up with you and pushed inside slowly, emitting a little grunt here and there as he went. Your arms went around him, and your legs hooked over his hips to allow him all the room he needed. The two of you locked eyes as you took him to the hilt, and time slowed down. This was what you wanted from the moment you woke up.

It was rapture. When Josh bottomed out and then started in again, the resumed pace left you feeling holy. You whimpered again, and Josh kissed you in response. Slowly, deeply, with every ounce of his attention given to your wants and reactions.

He made love to you that way, kissing with intention, and fucking into you without hurry. His free hand fell to your shoulders and he held you close, like he was promising with his entire body that he would never leave you lonely again.

And for that time, however long it was, everything was alright. All the pieces fit together and stayed put. The only thing that mattered was being in his arms. And if the world collapsed outside your room, it wouldn’t have made a difference.

Your room, and everything in it, faded out as the high overtook you. Each thrust Josh gave you only pushed you further and further up the hill. It was softer orgasm than what you had experienced with him before, but no less commanding. All the little moans that slipped past your lips were indications of this.

Lights and colors faded to the periphery as you threw back your head with one last cry. Josh was no longer trying to muffle your sounds, and focused instead on chasing his own high now that yours had come. His pace didn’t change, but his hips rutted harder against yours, pushing himself deeper into you.

This, and you pulsing around him, was enough to send Josh over the edge right behind you. His hand left your shoulder to grip at the sheets as he groaned against your neck. He needed to squeeze onto something, but he didn’t want to give you bruises. His face scrunched up for a moment, and you felt him twitching inside you.

Josh pulled himself from you languidly, then turned over and collapsed onto the bed. You turned your head just enough to look at him in the dim light. You could faintly make out a few beads of sweat on his brow, and his eyebrows were raised until his panting died down into steady breaths.

You got up silently and walked to the bathroom to clean off. When you returned to your room, Josh was pulling his underwear on. He was reaching for his shirt and his pants when you spoke up.

“Are you leaving?”

You hadn’t meant to sound desperate. But considering he had just indulged you in that very same desperation, you could hardly feel bothered.

Josh shrugged, trying to keep his face passive. You sat on the edge of the bed next to him as he answered.

“I just figured I should. If that’s all you needed?”

You just stared at him. Did he really think you just called him there to fulfill a physical need?

Oh God. He feels used, you realized. He thinks I’ve been using him.

That was the only explanation for the sadness of his expression when he thought you were done with him. The ache in his eyes every time you gathered your things and left.

The very thought made you feel awful. You could almost feel the dejection on his face, however much he tried to hide it, and you hated yourself for putting it there. You didn’t realize that first day in the rehearsal room, but you weren’t capable of using him. Whatever you felt for him, it was too strong for that. Even if you tried, your heart wouldn’t be in it.

A second realization hit you a split second after the first.

There was a reason he agreed to come over so quickly.

“No,” you stated bluntly. Josh looked at you sideways, his mouth turning down at the corners. But his eyebrows went up again in genuine curiosity.

“Stay here,” you suggested, letting your hand fall next to his on the comforter. “We can talk a bit… if you want.”

Josh smiled a little but appeared to be in disbelief.

“Are you sure?”

You didn’t have a better way to tell him. Or at least, you couldn’t think of one in the moment. So you leaned over and kissed him, cupping his face with one hand. Josh froze in surprise, but quickly found his wits and kissed you back after a moment.

It was a simple kiss. Just two people expressing a feeling they couldn’t describe with words. But you did the best you could, moving your mouth with his for as long as it took him to understand: you wanted him there.

“Stay with me tonight,” you told him, still holding his face to yours. It wasn’t a question so much as a decision, and one that Josh readily accepted.

It should have been strange, lying next to Josh with no intention of going anywhere. You had never slept side by side, after all. But he leaned back, still clad only in his underwear, and you settled in next to him for a comfortable silence.

It was Josh who broke that silence, although it was another half hour before he spoke.

“Do you remember last year, we were doing group practice with Mr. Smith?”

You looked up at Josh, scanning his face for context. You were lying on your side next to him, with blankets pulled up to your chin. Josh remained on his back, with one hand resting behind his head.

“Yeah,” you replied after a minute. “I think that was the first class we had together.”

“It was,” Josh confirmed. You could tell there was something he wanted to say, and waited for the words to make their way out of him.

“I laughed during one of your solos in that class,” Josh admittedly flatly. You frowned at him, not appreciating the memory being brought up. But before you could think of something to say, Josh continued.

“You were running a solo verse, but Sam and I weren’t paying attention. We should have been, but… Sam leaned over and said that Mr. Smith looks like Bono--”

You couldn’t help but chuckle. It was so true.

“--and I laughed. And I know it looked like I was laughing at you, but I wasn’t. I was laughing at a stupid joke my stupid brother made, and I was an idiot for disrespecting you like that.”

Josh turned his head to look at you, his eyes flitting across your face for any reaction. You pondered his admission for a few seconds, and then caught his stare.

“So I never had a real reason to hate you?”

“Well, not for that, anyway,” Josh laughed nervously. You smiled a little, but winced immediately after at the thought of despising someone over a misunderstanding.

“But I don’t blame you. It did look like I was laughing at you. And I haven’t exactly been nice to you since then, either. But I just always wanted to tell you that.”

You couldn’t think of anything to say to follow up his admission, so you settled for reaching over and taking his free hand.

Josh’s expression was pained, and you could see a year’s worth of regret etched all over his face. And for someone whose love was playing the vocals, you never were good with words. So you did what you could, which was to scoot up next to Josh and rest your head on his chest. His skin was a little sticky with sweat, but it was warm and that was all you wanted.

Josh sighed when you threw your arm across him and traced figure-eights over his side. The hand that had been behind his head came down to rest on your shoulders. The tension in Josh’s body seemed to ease a bit after that, and his breathing slowed even more. Before long, he was drifting off, with one hand in your hair and the other intertwined with one of yours.

You fell asleep not long after, resting peacefully in Josh’s arms.

Taglist: @kissthesun-fightthefire​, @lover--leaver​, @myownparadise96​, @satans-helper​, @songbirdkisses​, @bluewillowmom​, @sparrowof-thedawn​, @sweetkiszkadreams​, @mountainofthesunn​, @turntonightfirelight​, @chestinfect-me​, @ohsososophisticatedd​

[amysubmits]

How do you manage to write so much and so well? I recently started a little D/s account but I’m having trouble updating regularly

I only make a new blog post about once a week or so I think? I’ve just been here for a few years so I have a lot of old blog posts and I regularly reblog those so it may seem like I’m writing several times a week when I’m not. I am not really a very good writer. I find mistakes in my own posts almost every time I go to reblog something old of mine, and I am not particularly well educated in grammar so I’m sure I make mistakes that I’m not even capable of catching because I don’t know the rules. I don’t think you have to be a good writer for people to be interested in your blog posts as long as they like what you’re trying to express...and people are interested in the small details of a D/s relationship a lot of the time, it doesn’t have to be anything dramatic. 

I wouldn’t feel bad about not updating regularly if sporadically is just more natural to you though. I follow some blogs that go long spans without writing but I’m still happy to see something new from them once they do post. :) 

If you struggle with writing regularly because you struggle with ideas then I can share my go-to’s? Anything that happens between just hat I find myself reflecting back on - that’s usually something people would be interested in reading about. Whether I’m remembering it because it made me feel so sweet, or so calm, or so loved, or so happy, or whether I have to keep thinking about it because it was difficult required some hard work in order to get us back on the same page with something...anything that sticks in my head for a while is a good writing idea as long as it’s something you’re comfortable with sharing. I understand that sharing some things can feel too vulnerable and everyone has to figure out their own boundaries of course. But my personal goal is to try to share things that cover the range of emotions or experiences. I don’t want to just share the blissful moments or just the sexy moments, I want to also share times where I struggle with submission, or where we struggle to communicate or struggle to have a good “flow”. It’s definitely harder to share the struggles but I like trying to show other people, maybe those who are into D/s but haven’t experienced it themselves yet - that D/s isn’t this blissful type of relationship all the time, but that problems can be worked through in D/s dynamics. I try to occasionally share funny stuff too. Really early on in blogging I was worried about not fitting into the community and so I thought I should only share really overtly D/s stories. But over time I realized I wanted to share the funny moments and the more subtle D/s moments and that even if others thought what I was sharing didn’t sound D/s at all...that it didn’t really matter because this is about me and my relationship and my idea of D/s so it’s okay if not everyone gets it...but a surprising amount of people do get it. 

Sorry, I get too long-winded. What i’m trying to say is, I’m not a great writer so it’s okay i you aren’t either, people can still like your posts. There’s nothing abd or wrong about posting inconsistently. Write about whatever you want to write about, don’t over-think if what you’re sharing is D/s enough. People are interested in the ‘real life’ D/s stuff. Oh also? Use the tags on your posts so people can find you in search. Also #sccwriting will get it reblogged as long as you are showing up in search (Aren’t marked as adult and so on). If you don’t show up in search results you can message your links to SpiceNWolf here on Tumblr, she runs SCC. :) 

[ramblingsrantsreviews]

Season Review: 13 Reasons Why - Season 4 (Netflix, 2020)

Netflix’s dropped the final season of their controversial teen drama 13 Reasons Why last week and, as expected, it quickly climbed to the number one spot and was trending. Albeit the trending topic was full of just as many people saying “don’t watch the show” as there were fans talking about the show but that’s too be expected.

Inspired by the teen best selling novel by Jay Asher, 13 Reasons Why was adapted into a television series by Brian Yorkey in 2017 and has since spanned four seasons despite controversy from critics, parents, and teenagers. The fourth and final season of the series follow the same group of Liberty High teenagers, now seniors, as they grabble with the aftermath of their decision to frame a murder on a fellow Liberty High student who was sent to prison for sexual assault and ultimately died in prison. Each of the core cast is dealing with the aftermath in different ways with Clay (Dylan Minnette) experiencing the most negative reaction due in part to his deteriorating mental health.

In true 13 Reasons Why fashion, the season deals with a variety of topics ranging from the ongoing drug use of students, their safety in school, mental health, and it even touches upon the very timely topic of police brutality and racial profiling. And of course, it had to pull one last controversial publicity stunt which left one of our beloved characters dead before graduation day.

I’ve already written about my overall thoughts on the characters outcomes but I felt the final season also warranted its own review. In addition to the usual categories, I’ve also includes a spot for my favorite character and favorite couple of the entire season since this is the final season. Least favorite character of the series will not be featured because I don’t feel the need to write anything more about Bryce. I’m also going to try to keep the character portions short so that I don’t repeat myself.

As always, spoilers are ahead.

Favorite Episode: 4×09 — “Prom”

All I’ve ever wanted is for this group of teenagers to be happy and actually enjoy their youth instead of dealing with whatever shit was complicating their lives. Episode 9 finally gave that to us, if you ignore the last 3 minutes of the episode like I’m choosing to do.

This episode had some of my favorite scenes that left me crying tears of joy and had my heart swelling with pride. It was also the first time, in a long time, that we saw the entire group back together in Clay and Justin’s bedroom. I’ve always said this show is best when it’s characters are all united and share the screen together and that scene proved I was right. If only they would have supported each other from the beginning of this season instead of just at the end.

Episode 9 is also home to both Charlie and Alex’s coming out moments and they could not have been more perfect. I absolutely love that both of their families were accepting and didn’t even question their sons. Charlie’s scene with his dad literally had me laughing out loud when they were talking about Charlie’s obsession with Eli Manning. It’s such an innocent thing and yet it showcases that LGBT kids and teens are just like their heterosexual counterparts who have innocent crushes on celebrities and athletes. I also love that his dad basically said he knew but wanted Charlie to come to him when he was ready.

Alex’s coming out moment was equally as cute. I really loved the fact that his wasn’t a coming-out moment in the traditional sense because he didn’t sit his parents down and talk to them about his sexuality. Instead, he just shows up with Charlie who he introduces as his boyfriend. It was perfect and honestly, I think more shows and films should deal with coming-out stories that happen like this. I was once again laughing when Alex’s brother got all excited because he was dating the quarterback of the Liberty High football team. Plus, the heartfelt moment with both of his parents warmed my heart. All they’ve ever wanted for their son is to see him happy and healthy and they finally got that.

I loved Charlie’s promposals and how he kept trying to one-up them to get Alex to say yes. I’m wondering though if maybe he should have tried something more low-key and intimate since that seems to be more of Alex’s style. Either way, they were all cute and I’m glad Alex finally said yes. Also, I love that they finally realized that Jess didn’t need a boy on her arm to have a good time. Having her go with Ani was cute and felt a bit full circle since the only ever girlfriend she had was Hannah who she had a falling out with before her death. And I also love that Clay tagged along with Alex and Charlie to make sure Alex was comfortable. He’s always looking out. Honorable cute mentions also go to Caleb for finally getting Tony to participate in high school activities and Tyler for going with Estella and having the best time ever.

Of course, the prom scene as a whole was amazing (again, until the last 3 minutes which I will not be mentioning again…hopefully). Seeing these kids get to be teenagers warmed my heart and it was everything I ever wanted. I loved that the football team was behind Charlie and Alex winning Prom Kings. It really showed a growth in the team since they’d been homophobic and rapists in prior seasons but have finally started to mature and “be better” as Zach and later Charlie helped instill in them. I also love that Ani and Clay finally hashed out their weird relationship and that they were able to move on as friends.

I was so glad when Justin showed up at the prom. He deserved to have a great time and enjoy his dwindling senior year just like the rest of his friends. I love how they show the scene when Jess spots him in this cinematic and romantic way. Was it cheesy? Yes, but dammit these two deserve all the cheesiness after everything they’ve been through. I also love Jess’s line telling him to never love anything more than life. It was perfect and everything I wanted.

Oh, and Clay asking his mom to dance was equally as adorable.

The only thing I felt this episode needed (other than a different ending) was the inclusion of “The Night We Met.” That song is a staple of this series and it would have been nice to have it played at their final dance. Perhaps, they could have all come together on the dance floor like they did in season 2 for Clay.

Least Favorite Episode: 4×03 — “Valentine’s Day”

To be honest, the whole first half of the season was a hot mess but I think my least favorite episode had to be the third episode. I literally almost stopped watching after it because it no longer felt like I was watching 13 Reasons Why.

I found it to be an interesting choice by the writers to write another episode centered around a dance when we were going to get a prom episode and have had multiple dance centric episodes in prior seasons. I think it would have been more interesting if they set the drama somewhere else. Then again, dances seem to be the only way to get all these characters in one place at the same time so I digress.

My biggest issue with this episode was the whole plot surrounding Clay and the mysterious phone calls. I felt like I was watching a cheap knock off of Scream every time Clay answered the phone and was tormented by the caller. Of all the dumb things this show has done, this was the dumbest and completely unnecessary. After all, Clay had been cleared from being a person-of-interest in Bryce’s murder before Ani’s confession that Monty was the one who did it. Therefor, the football teams motive for taking their anger and emotions for Monty out on Clay made zero sense. Not to mention, they did it in the most unoriginal way ever.

This episode also featured Winston and Alex getting closer and dating. Look, I believe most characters can change and be good people but Winston doesn’t seem to be one of those people. Granted, Alex didn’t know who he was or his involvement with Monty at the time but we did which made it hard for me to root for these two. Winston may have actually had feelings for Alex, but to me he was just using him to get information and that is totally not cool.

I also greatly disliked Clay and Ani in this episode. It’s clear that their relationship has run its course and Ani’s constant need to keep pushing Clay to be with her was dumb. Ani is such a smart character and yet she does the stupidest things. She definitely needed one of Jess’s woman empowerment speeches.

Also I absolutely hated Zach yelling at Justin and then Jess yelling at Justin — even if she was right to do so.

By far the worst thing about this episode had to be the ending sequence with Clay in the shower and then on the football field. Of course, the episode then ended with him walking into the gym with a red stained shirt holding a knife. Definitely not a good image for Clay but what really killed me is that everyone blamed him for brining a knife to the dance when Diego and his boys literally planted it for him to take! Once again 13 Reasons Why forgets its own plot for more drama.

Favorite Character This Season: Charlie St. George

While Charlie might not be my all-time favorite character, he definitely earned the prize of being my favorite character this season.

Charlie was the one character this season who was actually there for everyone around him and wasn’t consumed with his own issues. In fact, Charlie is so selfless that he chose to get involved with all their drama last season when he didn’t need to but did anyway because he knew it was the right thing to do.

As for this season, well Charlie continued to out do himself. He helped Justin hold the football team accountable when they were being dicks. He made sure Jess was getting the team’s undivided attention during her speech. He tried to help Tony decide on what to do about Tyler’s gun pictures during the lockdown and he even calmed Alex down during one of his anxiety attacks. Not to mention, he researched Alex’s TBI so that he’d know what to expect and how to handle any issues that may arise from it. His helpfulness didn’t stop there. He also tried to be there for Clay and for Justin during the season. And he even went as far as tracking down Zach and forcing him to go see Justin in the hospital when he was dying.

If all that doesn’t prove that he’s the best character than I don’t know what will.

He also had the best coming-out moment and literally ruled the prom with Alex as his date.

So yeah, Charlie was the best.

Favorite Character Of The Series: Justin Foley

Since this is the final season, I also wanted to speak about my favorite character of the entire show: Justin Foley. If you read my other post this should come as no surprise that Justin is my ride-or-die character.

Justin is my favorite character because he has one of the best character arcs of the entire series (if you ignore the final episode and is horrible fate). In the first season he was this angry and broken kid who was so distraught with guilt that he turned to the streets for some kind of relief and eventual revenge. Thankfully, Clay and Tony were there to save him and the Jenson’s were kind enough to offer him a home when he had no where else to turn.

Sure, Justin still struggled with his addiction but he tried and fought so damn hard to get better. Relapse is part of the recovery process and if you recall, most of the times Justin relapsed were do in part to major things happening in his life, like his biological mother’s overdose which lead to her death.

Despite all the things against him, Justin finally got help this season and was on the path to recovery. He was thriving in school, had a college acceptance letter in his hands, and was finally happy. All Justin ever wanted to do was live and he constantly tried to do that.

As you know from my character thoughts post, I was completely devastated when he died. It’s been a week and I’m still not over it. I honestly feel like I lost someone I knew in real life.

Despite his ill fitted and unnecessary ending, Justin Foley had the best character development of this group. He was the one character who deserved to live more than anything. In my head, he’s alive and thriving in college while having regular FaceTime dates with Jess.

Least Favorite Character This Season: Winston

Avoiding the obvious answers like Bryce and Monty, who I hate with my entire being, I’ve decided that Winston is my least favorite character of season 4.

I mentioned this in my other post but I’m going to say it again, Winston is nothing more than a knock-off Clay who doesn’t have half the heart that Clay Jenson has.

I can’t get behind Winston because his entire character is rooted in being a rapist apologist because he “loved” Monty. Obviously, I don’t think Winston is a terrible person but I do think something is wrong with him since he is able to have feelings for Monty despite knowing all the terrible and hurtful things he did to people. I mean Mrs. Walker couldn’t look her own son in the eyes after learning everything he did and you’re telling me that Monty can turn a blind eye to it because he’s in love. I call bullshit.

I didn’t feel like Winston’s actions this season were rooted in good like Clay’s were. I think every relationship he formed with the core group was made because he wanted to get information out of them.

The only good thing Winston did was not turn Alex in for killing Bryce. In my opinion, though, that doesn’t redeem him for spending the entire season trying to seek revenge for Monty.

Favorite Couple This Season: Alex and Charlie

Let’s be honest, 13 Reasons Why doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships. Even the most iconic and shippable couples on the show are problematic. Which is why I was so shocked and proud when the writers finally decided to show a happy and healthy relationship, between two boys to top it all off!

While I’ll admit, I had been hoping that Alex would end up with Zach this season I am 110% sold that he was destined to be with Charlie. As I’ve said before and in this very post, Charlie is so caring and attentive to Alex that you can tell his feelings are completely authentic and he has no ulterior motive for wanting/choosing to be with Alex.

In fact, if you watch the third season carefully, you’ll notice that Charlie had taken an interest in Alex during that season. It just wasn’t as prominent on the screen. Perhaps, that’s part of the reason Charlie decided to get involved with this group. And once he found out Alex was the one who needed saving he jumped into action to plant Bryce’s tape on Monty. But that might be my brain stretching.

Regardless, Charlie and Alex are the perfect teenage couple and the by far the healthiest couple of this entire show. They’re there for each other, they celebrate each other’s victories (even if Alex doesn’t always understand them) and their love is unconditional.

These two may be Prom Kings but they’re also Kings of healthy relationships.

Favorite Couple Of The Series: Justin and Jess

Even though Alex and Charlie are the healthiest couple and by far my favorite this season, I can’t help but continue to ship Jess and Justin.

Now listen, these two are not a couple that should be idolized. They’re extremely toxic at times and they are way too dependent on each other. Not to mention, the origins of their relationship are complex and for some, immensely problematic. And yet, here I am stanning this couple because they’re so made for each other.

Part of what makes Justin and Jess work is that they understand each other, even when they don’t always want to. They both have been in each others shows. They both know what it’s like to be at rock bottom and to climb out on top. Beyond that, they’re (usually) always there for each other or at least are cheering each other on in some way.

Was Jess wrong this season to lash out as Justin when he told her he needed to focus on herself? Absolutely. But Justin was also in the wrong a few seasons ago when he didn’t fight to help Jess enough. Regardless of their issues and arguments, these two are always finding their way back to each other.

I loved that Justin went to Jess’s aide during the lockdown. Sure, it took Diego being an ass to get him there but I’m pretty sure he would have went regardless. Frankly I’m convinced that Justin was texting Jess during the lockdown before he even went down to see her. And, despite everything going on, in that moment they felt safe, because they were together.

I love that Justin, even though he was jealous of Diego, never really made it an issue — or at least, a major issue. When Zach is trying to rile him up at the Valentine’s Day dance Justin reminds him that Jess doesn’t belong to him. It’s the smallest thing but it a sign that he loves and respects Jess enough to let her be on her own. In fact, I’d argue that the real issue he has with Jess seeing Diego is that Diego is a complete dick to Clay and is obsessed with finding out the truth about Monty.

I love that Jess is (almost) always there for Justin. Should she have pulled him out of the alleyway when she finds him doing drugs again? Absolutely, but I think her choosing to walk away was an extremely hard decision for her to make. And I’m glad their story didn’t end there. I absolutely loved Jess’s speech to Justin at the prom. And the scene of them in the hospital completely wrecked me. Hearing Jess say that Justin taught her to love when he was still convinced he ruined her life was seriously the most heartbreaking thing ever.

As I said, I’m pretending these two are living a happy and healthy life because that’s what they deserve.

Complaints:

13 Reasons Why is strongest when the cast is together and supporting each other. Unfortunately this season everything felt disjointed, especially these characters relationships with each other. Alex and Jess had barely any scenes together despite committing a murder together. Zach was messy the entire season and acting very out of character. And no one cared enough to help him. Alex did try but it didn’t feel like enough, or maybe Zach was just too stubborn to accept it. The golden trio (Clay, Justin, and Jess) had little to no scenes until the end which hurt me to my core. I felt like Justin was missing from the first half of the season and then when he did get more time on screen he was literally dying. Clay and Tony barely had any scenes together and seemed annoyed with each other. Tyler was basically on his own this season – at least he had Estella. I guess I had higher hopes that our core group would be stronger than ever but that simply wasn’t the case and I’m upset about it.

My other major problem this season was the show’s need to try to be a psychological thriller. I fully support them wanting to show Clay’s deteriorating mental state and I found it interesting that they chose to go the disassociating route but I am not a fan of how they did it. I felt like the writers forgot the genre of their show. As I mentioned above, I also hated the football team using their phones to torment Clay. It was stupid and unoriginal.

Another issue I had this season was the fact that both Ani and Zach out Alex to different people. In Ani’s case she outed Alex to Clay by confessing that she caught him making out with Winston in the hallway during the dance. As for Zach, he outed Alex to almost all of their friends during the senior camping trip after learning that Alex broke up with Winston. While neither of them outed Alex with malicious intent, it was still wrong. I would have liked to see Alex confront them about it, at some point.

I absolutely hated and was disgusted at the fact the show tried to portray both Clay and Zach as people who would rape unconscious women who were unable to consent. I will never forgive the writers for that. It literally served no purpose and completely went again both of their characters.

I also found it extremely random and unneccesary that Clay hooks up with Valerie, Sheriff Diaz’s daughter, at that party. I don’t care that he hooked up with someone but because it was the daughter of the Sheriff I wanted that to be a bigger moment. I was waiting and expecting Sheriff Diaz to find out and flip out on Clay but that never happened. As it stands now, the only purpose that scene had was to inform us that Sheriff Diaz did have a family which would make his speech to Alex’s dad at the end of the season make sense.

I also wasn’t a fan of Monty and Bryce’s presence this season. Both of them already got their moments in the spotlight we didn’t need to see them again. They were monsters who don’t deserve any sort of redemption or yet another attempt of a redemption arc. I also found it extremely peculiar that Clay was the one that was seeing them. As I’ve said before, Clay wasn’t the one who came up with the idea to frame Monty so I wasn’t totally sure why he felt so guilty. I also hated that they gave Jess another scene with ghost Bryce at the end instead of having her see ghost Justin. If anyone deserved to be in that final scene where they’re burying Hannah’s tapes it was Justin. After all, he’s where the story began.

Speaking of the final scene, I felt it odd that they decided to bring Courtney and Ryan back. If they were going to reunite the entire tape crew where were Marcus and Sheri? Even though they weren’t prominent in the episode I felt their screen time could have been given to one of the other core characters instead.

Another minor thing, I missed the smooth transitions in and out of scenes that 13 Reasons Why always seemed to nail. I know they were mainly used when the story was switching from past and present but I truly missed them this season. Everything felt harsh and jagged and I wasn’t a fan.

Lastly, and this one is going to be obvious. I hated that they killed Justin. There was no reason for his death. There was no hint that he was the one who was going to die. It was unnecessary and a last ditch attempt to be controversial and shocking. I’m not over it and I’ll never be over it.

Praise:

Most of the things I’m going to write here I’ve said elsewhere so I apologize for any repetition.

As I said above, one of my favorite things about this season was Alex and Charlie’s coming out scenes. Something I have yet to mention though, is that I love how Alex turned to Tony when he was still in the midst of questioning his sexuality. It was a really sweet moment and it showcased Tony and Alex’s friendship. I also love that Tony answered the question without questing Alex on why he was asking. Tony could have asked Alex if he was questioning his sexual identity or something else but he chose not to because it’s not his place.

Speaking of Tony, I adored the scene with his father when Caleb told him about Tony’s college opportunity. Tony was so adamant on turning it down because he wanted to keep the auto shop going and to hear his father tell him that Tony is his dream was heartwarming. I think we all knew that his father just wants what is best for Tony but to hear him say it was important.

I did like the scene where the tape crew was reunited. It felt very full circle but I think they should have burned the tapes instead of burying them. I swear to god, if in 10 years this show gets a reboot because someone finds the tapes I’m going to die. I was a bit confused though since it didn’t appear that all the tapes were in the box. And I still think Justin should have been a part of it in some way. After all, he was the start of the tapes. Bryce may have brought them all together in a twisted way, but without Justin they wouldn’t have existed either.

Everything considered, I’m glad we did get to see Jess and Justin together in the end. To me they are endgame — even though Diego tries to get Jess to date him right after Justin’s death. I’ll cherish the prom scene and even the scenes in the hospital forever.

Also regarding Justin’s fate, I loved his final scene with Clay. The series spends so much time trying to get us to believe that Justin found a brother in Bryce, but I never bought it. Justin’s only brother was Clay and that essay proved that. It was so heartfelt and sad and I loved it. I also love that Clay admits to Justin that he doesn’t know how to go on without him but Justin assures him that he does.

I also did like the ending scene with Clay and Tony, even though in my perfect world it was Clay and Justin driving off to college together. It was a nice full circle moment. Although, I will admit my anxiety was through the roof because I seriously thought they were going to get into an accident. After all, it is 13 Reasons Why.

Lastly, I want to discuss the final scene at the police station between Alex’s dad and Sheriff Diaz. I spent a lot of this season and last season hating Sheriff Diaz but he certainly redeemed himself in that moment. There’s no doubt in my mind that he realized that Alex was the one who killed Bryce. And yet, he understood that Alex is a good kid who doesn’t deserve to be in jail. He understood that Bryce and Monty were both monsters. He knew that if the truth got out Alex’s dad would fall apart. His speech about putting family before his job was important and impactful.

As I’ve said, of all the shitty things this show has done the one thing they actually got right was letting Alex walk free. I never would have forgiven them if they had sent Alex to jail. After all, he’s not a monster he’s the hero of the story.

                                                         * * *

I still have mixed feelings about the final season and I think I will for the rest of time. Had they not have killed Justin I feel like I would have felt a lot better about the conclusion of the show. But if 13 Reasons Why has taught me anything its that life is not fair and that we cannot let tragedy dictate our entire lives. We must live (and continue watching questionable television shows).

You can stream the final season of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.

What did you think of the final season of 13 Reasons Why? What was your favorite and least favorite episode? Who do you ship? Are you happy with the ending? Let me know in the comments or by tweeting me @3RsBlog.

Featured Image Source: Netflix

[knjfed]

OBLIVIOUS ↝ otis milburn

requested? ↝ yeah from a lil anon!

summary / the request ↝ can you do an imagine where the reader is jealous of maeve and otis jealous over some guy the reader is hanging out?? idk i know your good at making imagines,, pls do more otis content thanks!

thanks you for the request and kind words! i’ve been thinking about doing something like this for a while! hope you like it.

warnings ↝ fem!reader, cussing, and implied sexual content (again, not with otis smh)

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you were listing to music as the teacher was speaking to the class. you could care less about what was going on since she was a shit teacher and already had it out for you.

you just about jumped out of your seat when you felt someone lightly tapped your shoulder, when you looked over to meet the face of the person that almost scared you to death you saw otis.

“hey, sorry. what’s up?” you spoke, pausing your music and putting your full attention on him. your eyes met his beautiful blue ones and you tried not to get distracted.

“uh— the teacher assigned partners for the project. you’re with devon..” he told you as his leg bounced lightly from under the table. you were thankful that you were partnered up with devon, but you’d rather otis.

you simply nodded and smiled his way. “thanks otis, who are you stuck with?” you questioned as you glanced around the class and saw devon talking to a girl named tabitha.

“i’m with maeve.” he replied right away. for some reason that sent a sick feeling to wash over you. him and maeve would be partners. she would be around him more than usual. he might actually make a move or she would.

you face dropped for a split second and you hoped he didn’t notice before you covered it with a convincing smile.

“oh, that’s cool. if she comes to your house try to hide all the sexual things, she might think you’re into some really odd things.” you chuckled, using humor to cover your real emotions yet again. at least it worked.

he rolled his eyes and shoved your chair back with his foot while you couldn’t hold back a laugh.

before you could say anything maeve walked up to the both of you, leaning against the desk you both were sat at. she smelled like cigarette smoke and it made your nose scrunch up in disgust for a moment before looking up at her.

“sorry to interrupt but i forgot to give you my address. you’ll need to come over for the project.” she spoke to otis, completely ignoring you. you glanced at otis and saw some blood rush to his cheeks and a shy smile form on his face. 

the feeling was back. your heart sank and you felt your face relax, you didn’t even know you were all tense with her around you and otis. without notice you grabbed a blue pen from your book bag and gripped it lightly.

swallowing the words wanting to come out you got up from your chair and moved past maeve, not caring if you shoved her a bit on ‘accident.’ 

otis was making it clear that he liked the girl, so why even bother with him when he could have her? you walked in front of devon’s desk and smiled down at him. 

he was your basic white boy with brown eyes and shaggy brown hair. you could have sworn he didn’t sleep for days at a time.

“hey, i was told we had been partnered up for the project. you can come over to mine around five. don’t be late.” you spoke, grabbing his arm lightly and pulling up his sleeve, writing down your address in the blue pen. 

you clicked the top of the pen and looked up at devon, he was wide eyed and had a dorky smile tugging at his lips. “yeah, yeah. got it. i’ll be there.” he said, did you make him flustered? 

the bell rang shortly after and you went back over to otis and noticed maeve was gone. you grabbed you book bag and waited for otis to grab his own bag. the look on his face didn’t go unnoticed. his eyebrows were furrowed and he had his jaw clenched. he quickly changed his expression when he saw you looking at him.

“you alright? the bell has rung. i don’t want to leave you behind.” you joked lightly, watching as he put his bag on his back. he shrugged his shoulders and looked away from your eyes. 

“don’t worry about it. good luck with your project with devon, yeah?” he spoke, his voice was unsure towards the end. you didn’t have time to say anything as he walked past you. leaving you in the class room by yourself. utterly confused. 

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a week had passed and devon came over everyday after school for the project, by the third day it was just about you two hanging out since you both had finshed. you two were friends, best friends even. nothing more than that.

in the span of a week you saw otis and maeve getting closer in and out of class. they were even passing notes! where you guys in kindergarten or something?

otis would barley give you the time of day now. everytime you looked at him he was either doing something with maeve or looking down at his paper with flushed cheeks.

the feeling was back. you didn’t know what it was, but you didn’t like it at all.

devon took quick notice of this. he had also noticed your crush on otis since day one.

you felt something hit the side of your head, when you looked over you saw devon looking at you with concern written all over his face. you looked down at the paper ball he tossed at you and opened it.

‘talk to him. he’s still your best friend right? so what if you like him, he would be lucky to have you.’

his handwriting was messy yet readable. you clenched you jaw and stared writing back. looks like you were in kindergarten too with this stupid note passing stuff.

‘oh shut it dev, it’s not that sim—‘

your writing was cut short when someone grabbed the note from under your pen and laughed.

fucking adam!

“the fuck is this? note passing from the dork and the geek?” he chuckled, reading it to himself with his smirk growing.

“oh real original daddies boy! stay out of my shit!” you groaned, venom laced in your tone as you shot up out of your seat in an attempt to grab it.

he raised his arm up and shoved you down, your back hitting your chair. you looked around and saw no teacher. stupid bloke left the classroom for some unknown reason. there were eyes on you and adam, waiting to see the whole thing play out.

you glanced up at otis but he was looking at the note. he wanted to hear what it said.

quickly devon was by your side, gripping your arm lightly to help you up. you thanked him before catching otis’s expression from the corner of your eye.

he was hurt?

you didn’t care at this point.

“talk to him. he’s still your best friend right? so what if you like him, he would be lucky to have you.” adam read aloud as some of the class laughed and some stayed quiet.

he went to read more but you had enough of his shit. you took a deep breath and swung your fist, hitting him right in the nose.

he fell back and dropped the note. you went closer and kicked his side for good measure.

with a huff you grabbed your book bag and walked to the front of the class, taking a bow before leaving.

you ran into the teacher who was just now coming back, you ignored his yells directed towards you with you middle finger up at him.

your grip on your book bag strap tightened as you made it to the bathroom.

tossing your bag down on the ground you sat on the closed toilet, locking the stall door.

“fuck! fuck adam, fuck mr holmes, fuck maeve, fuck otis, fuck... fuck me!” you pretty much exploded. you hated his. the feeling you didn’t really know was kept coming up, this time it was mixed with frustration.

“at least i wasn’t on the top of the list.” a voice spoke from outside the stall. otis.

“what do you want? go pass some notes to maeve about the whole thing. i’m sure she’ll love to hear from you again.” you mummbled the last bit and rubbed your face, trying to calm down the feeling you were experiencing.

he paused for a moment and you could see his feet move closer to the stall door.

“are you.. are you jealous?” he asked. right as he said that it all clicked for you. you are jealous!

“so what if i am? i’m getting over it. just go back to maeve. i’m fine here.” you spoke, swallowing your pride as your voice cracked a bit towards the end.

“open the door y/n. i’d rather talk to you to your face rather than through a stall door.” he requested, laughing lightly in hopes to brighten the mood a bit.

you rolled your eyes and did as he asked, when you did you were met with a hug from him.

you loved his hugs. they calmed you when you needed it most.

no matter how much you wanted to shove him away you just couldn’t. you wrapped your arms around him and let your cheek rest on his chest.

“is this the part where you tell me i’m a great friend but you don’t feel the same about me?” you chuckled dryly, not letting go until he stepped back and looked down at you.

“this is the part where i tell you i feel the same way about you. those notes to maeve where about you. i may have gotten jealous over you and devon and she wouldn’t let it go.. sorry if i gave you the wrong impression..” he trailed off, you could tell that he felt bad.

in response you rolled your eyes and laughed a bit. “otis, you’re oblivious. devon and i finished the project on the third day, all we did was talk about how i felt about you. plus other things like if stars are just fireflys.” you spoke like it was a really serious, which it was of course.

“I’M the oblivious one? i’ve liked you more than a best friend for four years!” he admitted with a dramatic huff.

you were shocked, you had only come to terms with your feelings for otis two years ago.

without much thought you cupped his face and brought his lips down to yours, kissing him. his lips were soft and warm against your own, you’ve waited for this moment for a long time.

when you pulled away all you could focus on was his bright blue eyes and toothy grin.

“we don’t have to be jealous of one another anymore, that’s for sure.”

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thank you for reading! please leave your feedback and send me your requests! i love hearing from you guys and y’all make me smile so much.

[heechulhamster]

Speed Dial- Park Chanyeol

PARK CHANYEOL X READER

Angst, Fluff, College!AU

Trigger Warning: The character has anxiety and self harms. Do not read if you are triggered by any of those. Please. And if you experience such, remember that we are here for you. You matter, you’re important, you are loved. And don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Your feelings are valid, your thoughts matter, and you deserve to be heard.

It wasn’t something that’s easy to notice but Park Chanyeol had a very keen eye. Seeking something you made sure to be extremely obscure. If it wasn’t for the new rules of the laboratory you’ve been partners at, your secret would’ve been still safe. 

You’ve hidden your scars under the long sleeves of your jackets. The scars that have shown how you coped with the stress, the sudden flood of emotions, the pain that you thought you deserved. It was all a secret beneath a piece of cloth. But when your new Biology instructor changed the rules and regulations in the laboratory, that secret was at high risk to be revealed. 

Chanyeol always knew something was up with you. You’ve always been silent and reclusive, which most can mistake as you being aloof. But he was quick to sense that it wasn’t the case. Every Wednesday and Friday, he inched closer to your soul in little ways. He sparked short conversations prior to and after the said class. Random things from questions regarding your other classes or your upbringing, which you answered with a short and direct to the point reply. It was when he joked about the hair, or lack thereof, of your Biology instructor that he saw the first time you smiled. And it was the day he promised himself that he’d do anything to see it again. 

But after that day, the roller coaster ride that was your life had more downs than ups. The situation in your own family snowballed into problems that affected your daily life. You’ve been kept awake at night by the thoughts that flooded your mind. All the what could, what will, what ifs, and whys that rang like a morning bell never gave you rest. Reaching a point where you could only blame yourself, and you believe that you deserved the pain you inflicted yourself. 

You were able to conceal the truth under jackets for a good number of weeks. But when your professor said that you are only supposed to use the half sleeved white lab gowns during the hour, you knew that your partner was going to notice. 

It was the very same day that Chanyeol took notice of the pain you put yourself through. He was unsure if he should address the elephant in the room. It was surely a sore topic, so he tried to approach you as discreetly as he can. 

“What have you been up to lately?” Chanyeol blurted after the class was dismissed.

“Same old things, school, home, and re-runs of Gossip Girl.” You added a faint laugh. 

“Hmm, how about breaking the cycle? I’m gonna play on the nearby cafe tomorrow. I’d appreciate if you’d come!” He suggested, being his sunny, happy, self.

“I’ll try, Chanyeol. But I’ve been lagging behind schoolwork lately and I really need to catch up. Tell me the next time you’ll play okay?” You said with a small smile as you grabbed your bag and started walking. You felt a hand over your shoulder and looked back at your lab partner. 

“Don’t stress yourself too much, okay?” Chanyeol donned one of the sweetest smiles you’ve ever seen. And you knew what exactly he was talking about. Of course he’s seen your arm when you held the microscope, how careless could you just be?

You were nervous of showing up that Friday. Someone already knew your secret, and he could easily report you to the guidance counselors. Just thinking about the endless interrogation about your current state, the invasion of your hard kept secrets, telling out the stories you never even wanted to experienced stressed the shit out of you. 

You tried to cover the lines on your wrists as much as possible on that span of two hours. You don’t even know why you still bothered when he already seen it. It was a manifestation of how anxious you just were. And another is that you covered the lines by habit.

The moment your professor dismissed the class, a small paper was beside your elbow. 

“Happy Hotline ^_^” followed by a phone number was written messily on the paper. You looked at the face of the source, you’ve been faced by the innocent smile yet again. 

“What’s this for?” You chuckled a little on his adorable demeanor. 

“It’s the happy hotline for you. If you need a little dose of cheering up.” You appreciated the effort he showed, but felt a little uneasy of your unusual behavior being the obvious reason that this was happening. 

“Chanyeol can we keep this thing a little secret between us two? I just don’t want being counseled - just the thought stresses me out and I.. and I...” You started spiraling into the panic vortex. ‘

An all too familiar hand touched your arm, “Hey, hey. It’s okay. Just don’t do it again, promise? Call me when it hits. Call me in the middle of the night, I won’t mind. Seriously. Wait - ah. Give me your phone.” Your phone was already on your hand and unlocked so it was easy for him to snatch it away. 

You saw Chanyeol type into the phone and he returned it in your hands afterwards. 

“I’m on speed dial. Just please, promise me. You’ll call okay?” He said with pleading eyes. Concern ridden in his face. 

“I don’t want to bother you.” 

“You won’t. Seeing that bothers me even more. Knowing that I could do something. Please, call.” At this point, both of Chanyeol’s hands were now situated on your arms. And you nodded, somehow you gravitated towards his warmth. His smile, his eyes that never failed to show emotions, his humor, maybe you needed a little bit of it in your life. 

You found yourself using the speed dial later that night. The wave of school works and the lack of sleep messed up with your hormones and you needed to calm down. You needed another voice to hear except the noise in your mind. You needed to lean on something before you collapse on your own. You needed Chanyeol.

“Hey, who’s this?” His voice resonated sweetly in your ears. You blushed at the thought that he picked up in less than three rings. 

“I figured that I needed a little bit of happiness..” You said with a smile on your face.

“Oh it’s you! I’m glad you called. I thought you’d just delete my number and mark me off as your weird lab partner for the rest of the semester.” He joked. 

“I think I’m the weirdo between us two. But yeah, I called so your number is still residing on my phone.” You chuckled. For whatever reason, his vibe was contagious. Chanyeol really deserved to be called a happy hotline because his jolly attitude just transmitted through the phone. You needed this, you needed someone to divert you from your dark thoughts. You needed someone to shed you some light. 

“So, what’s up?” He asked. And when it took you a minute or more to respond, Chanyeol realized that he pulled on the wrong strings and spoke once more. “What about I share first? You okay with listening on my endless chatter?” You laughed at his self deprecation, nodding on the other end of the line as if he’d see. 

He started telling stories about his last gig. How he cracked his voice due to the cold environment but ended up singing more songs. One topic led to another and it went to his favorite cartoon in childhood. Chanyeol cannot be stopped once he started sharing, and he was a delight to talk to for you. It was like he opened a new dimension with light, an area that you were eager to explore. Somehow the more he told about himself, the more you wanted to know. 

You looked at the clock and realized you’ve been talking for two hours non stop. You glanced on the paperwork that sat atop your desk and realized that you’ve been really slacking off, and the criticism you’ll give yourself afterwards would be worse if you don’t start accomplishing things now. 

“Hey, Yeol.” You started with the nickname he asked you to use. “I realized that we’ve been talking on the phone for hours now and I still have paperwork to do.” 

“Oh yeah, I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for bothering.” He said with a concerned and guilty tone. 

“No, if anything it’s me that bothered you. I’m thankful for the good talk. Save your childhood stories for the next time okay, I want to hear more.” You could feel as if your wide smile, something that has been so rare on your face for the past few months, could rip your face in two. But again, Chanyeol had that effect. 

After a few goodbyes,you hung up the phone. And it was one of the nights that the noise in your mind has been silent, for all that rang in your head was Chanyeol’s laugh. How he giggled when he talked about his hobbies. His enthusiasm when he talked about the songs he’s written. 

It carried on for days, somehow calling Chanyeol has become part of your daily schedule. Sometime’s he’s the one who would initiate the call. You started opening up to him. There were nights where you were talking about trivial, yet happy things. But there was the inevitable moments where your thoughts got the best of you. You’d just cry on the phone as he listened, muttering a few assuring words and letting you speak. 

The Wednesdays and Fridays became the highlight of your dreadful week. The two hours of each day that you got to be together was like a safe time for you. Void of all the monsters in your head, as the hero who killed them for you was right by your side. And it gave birth to another monster, another voice that kept you awake. 

You knew that you were falling for your happy pill. It plagued your mind how his voice became your safety. How the late night calls became the reason you’re excited to wake up in the morning. And the way the dreadful Laboratory meetings became the best part of your week. 

The fear started building up, what if he was just doing this out of pity? Out of charity? That Chanyeol stuck with you because he saw the urgency in your eyes, in the lines that filled your wrists. But the moment you’re okay, he’ll realize that his act of kindness was over. You feared that moment. 

Yet you still found yourself on the University green house where he asked to meet you. He told you he was playing for a special audience and he wanted you to be there. But there was no audience there. The only sight to see was the lot of plants that blossomed in the glass covers, and the tall, handsome, sunshine of a man that sat on the bench with his guitar. 

You approached Chanyeol and laid your bag on the bench. 

“Where’s the audience? Don’t tell me they stood you up.” A hint of sadness in your voice. You know how passionate Chanyeol was about his music and the thought of him being stood up by an audience just made your mouth turn sour. 

“Nah, they’re here. They’re complete.” He said with a smile. 

You looked around, still no one there to accompany you two. 

“Uhm, Yeol there’s no one else here.”

“Exactly, you’re my special audience since you always concoct an excuse when I ask you to come to my shows.” You laughed with the guilt. 

He started playing a song, one that you knew because he put it in a playlist he sent you. It was Up&Up by Coldplay, one of his favorite bands. His voice wasn’t the best, but it was all you wanted to hear. You let yourself be lost in the sight and soud of Chanyeol, letting go of all worries that he might be aware of your feelings. This time you wanted to spoil yourself, indulge yourself in what makes you happy. And it was the man in front of you. 

“Thank you so much, Chanyeol.” You said the moment he finished his song. The smile after the bliss of performing still wandered in his face. 

“You don’t have to thank me for anything. It was just what I wanted to do.” Somehow, you understood that he wasn’t just talking about playing a song. 

“But why? Why do this? Why carry my burden? Why me?” The questions flew out your mouth in a great speed you weren’t even able to control. 

“Because I want to.” He said in a matter of fact tone. 

“I don’t understand why anyone would want to help me, Yeol. I’m a mess, I’m a sad piece of failure that is unworthy, unlovable.” Your voice shattered in front of him. His smile slowly faded as his hand slowly find its way to yours. 

“Unlovable? Then tell me what’s wrong with me.” Your forehead formed a knot on his choice of words.

“Unworthy? I wouldn’t waste all my nights for something I don’t see worth in, you know. And if you feel as if you’re unlovable, I might have been doing a bad job.” A frown marked a place on what used to be a smile. 

“Chanyeol?” You asked, signaling him to clear up his point. 

But instead of using words, his lips formed another explanation when it landed on yours. His hands cupped your cheeks as he planted a soft kiss on your lips, moving sweetly and slowly, as if letting the motion make up for the lack of words in his explanation. You felt all the blood rise up your cheeks, this moment was one of the things that kept you awake at night. You wondered so much how it would feel, but now it was happening. 

Breathless, Chanyeol parted his lips from yours. “If you’re unlovable, how come I’ve fallen so madly inlove with you?” He said as he held your face and rested his forehead on yours. 

He slowly grabbed your hand and flipped it over, revealing the lines that held the place of what used to be your wounds. He brought it closer to his lips and chastely planted kisses on it. 

“I wanted to make this fade away. To help you forget the pain. I want to be there because I want to be with you. And you hurting yourself hurts me too.” His hand went back to your cheeks. 

“And I can feel it, that you feel it too. So just let me love you. Let me show you the things, the beautiful things I see in you.” And this time, it was your time to initiate the kiss. And it was an answer good enough for him. Because you were in a dark place, but Chanyeol was the one who shined the light back in your life. Chanyeol was your sunshine. And with that light, you felt saved. You felt loved.

[gigayak]

Dr A.I. will see you now — The age of Artificial Intelligence in Healthcare

Google DeepMind’s breakthrough might help save the sight of millions around the world.

Rutger Hauer playing Roy Batty in Blade Runner (1982). The Lead Replicant describing his life as both rain and tears flow down his face. Credit: Warner Bro

“I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe…”

Had he spent more time scrutinising millions of Optical Coherence Tomography (OCT) scans rather than attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, perhaps Dr Roy Batty might have been the most eminent Medical Retina specialist of Ridley Scott’s fictional 2019.

Philip K. Dick’s dystopian vision was penned in 1968 and later adapted into a neo-noir masterpiece by Scott in 1982. The synthetic beings of his tale, outwardly identical to adult humans, have been created in order to replace humans in performing menial or undesirable jobs. Their only deficiencies seemingly being a lack of emotional range and a four-year life span. The themes of humanity and identity continue to resonate despite the decades which have passed since the short story was written.

We are still a long way from androids replacing any profession, let alone doctors or nurses. Nevertheless, a potentially monumental triumph in the application of AI technology in medicine has just materialised, the fruits of which might benefit millions worldwide.

Two London-based teams have collaborated to develop AI technology which can analyse OCT retinal scans and detect a number of eye conditions, then triage those patients who are in need of urgent care. Google’s DeepMind team, spearheaded by Jeffrey De Fauw, have applied a neural network learning system which matches highly experienced doctors and reduces sight loss by minimising the time between detection and treatment. This delay in referral for treatment still causes many people to go blind.

Pearse Keane, lead clinician for the project at Moorfields Eye Hospital, describes DeepMind’s algorithm:

“As good, or maybe even a little bit better, than world-leading consultant ophthalmologists at Moorfields in saying what is wrong in these OCT scans”

Artificial Brains — From Chess to Go

Google’s DeepMind, founded in 2010 in the UK and later acquired by Google, seeks to build powerful general-purpose learning algorithms and uncover the mystery of intelligence. Thus-far, its greatest tangible successes had been in defeating humans in games.

Perhaps its landmark gaming victory came in 2016 when DeepMind’s AlphaGo beat high-ranked Go player Lee Sedol 4–1 in a five-game match by using a supervised learning protocol, watching and analysing large numbers of games between humans. Despite the resounding triumph of machine over man in the ancient strategy board game, DeepMind has to thank its ancestor, IBM’s Deep Blue, for the first of such victories.

Garry Kasparov playing chess against IBM’s Deep Blue in 1997. Credit: Peter Morgan/Reuters

In 1996, world chess champion Garry Kasparov beat Deep Blue 4–2. One year later, Deep Blue came back for revenge and beet Kasparov 3½–2½. The message was clear, artificial intelligence was catching up the human intelligence. Yet Deep Blue’s algorithm depended on “brute computational force”, evaluating millions of positions. That works fine for chess, in which there are 20 possible opening moves. Go, a game originating in China almost 2500 years ago, has 361 possible opening moves on its 19x19 grid. It is so large that no AI can currently explore every possibility using Deep Blue’s “brute force” method.

LeeSeDol losing to DeepMind at Go. Credit: Korea Baduk/Reuters

DeepMind’s AlphaGo, on the other hand, works on a combination of different elements which are meant to mimic human decision-making. The algorithm was developed by DeepMind co-founder Demis Hassabis and consists of a number of phases which include supervised learning (being trained by analysing games between human experts), reinforcement learning (playing itself millions of times and maximising expected winning outcomes), “intuition” rollout policy (predicting how a human would play), Value network learning (quantifying the chances of success) and an algorithm which brings all these together called a “Monte Carlo tree search”.

The Age of Scans

A practitioner performing an OCT scan. Credit: Moorfields Eye Hospital

It’s all very good to beat humans at chess or Go, but what about diagnosing diseases? To find a real-world application for the human-like decision making used by DeepMind’s AlphaGo, the team at the company’s Health division looked at Optical Coherence Tomography (OCT) scans. This is a form of three-dimensional eye imaging which slices the retina into different layers, first introduced over two decades ago. OCT machines have come a long way since their inception and have become increasingly complex in how data is generated and presented. Nevertheless, they are used routinely by eye doctors to diagnose diseases such as age-related macular degeneration, diabetic retinopathy and glaucoma.

The publication of the work from DeepMind and Moorfields Eye Hospital in Nature this week states categorically that the algorithm performed as well as two leading retina specialists in analysing OCT scans and grading the urgency of a referral for management, with an error rate of only 5.5%. This was despite the algorithm not having access to some extra information, such as patient records, that the doctors had. The algorithm was used on two different types of OCT machines, and was also able to give confidence ratings based on aspects of the scans which it considered suggestive for diagnosis. Importantly, not a single urgent case was missed from the 14,884 scans used in the study.

Real-world application

This is just the first stage of research, although Dr Keane is confident that a final product is not too far away. DeepMind and Moorfields now need to run clinical trials of their OCT system so that doctors have the chance to test it. Mustafa Suleyman, DeepMind co-founder hopes that:

“when this is ready for deployment, which will be several years away, it will end up impacting 300,000 patients per year”

The team hopes that regulators approve a final product based on the immediate tangible benefits of a reduction in time and manpower needed to manually inspect scans, make diagnoses and refer for treatment.

Practical Benefits in the Developing World

PeekVision is a smartphone suite and includes an adapter called Peek Retina which allows the retina to be viewed with a smartphone. Credit: PeekVision.org

AI-powered screening can have an enormous impact in hard-to-reach areas. The ubiquity of smartphones around the world makes adding a portable camera and creating an image acquisition system simple and inexpensive. Already, companies such as UK-based Peek Vision have introduced camera adapters which allow high-quality images to be obtained easily and then analysed remotely.

Companies such as California-based Compact Imaging are currently working to make small form-factor multiple reference OCT (MR-OCT) available for smartphones and wearable technologies. The combination of these compact devices and AI-powered screening software could bridge geographical and economic chasms for many of the 285 million people worldwide living with some form of sight loss.

Artificial Intelligence elsewhere in health

These developments can act as a blueprint for the development of artificial intelligence elsewhere. DeepMind is currently doing research with University College London to assess whether AI can tell the difference between cancer and healthy tissue in CT and MRI scans. It is also working with Imperial College London to assess whether AI can interpret mammograms and improve accuracy in breast cancer screening.

In all these cases, the most practical benefit of using AI to screen for disease is one of resources — doctors’ time would be freed to spend more time with individual patients, and more time working on and providing treatments.

Pitfalls in AI’s Future

“I did everything, everything you ever asked! I created the perfect system” Clu in Tron Legacy (2010). Credit: Disney

Back to the realms of fiction, where accounts of AI are often littered with depictions of ever-evolving intelligences which strive to be perfect, such as Marvel’s Ultron or Tron’s Clu. These AIs struggle to balance a “human” rationalisation of ethics with the necessity to achieve their goal, with Earth-threatening consequences.

Though we are far from apocalypse scenarios, DeepMind itself has already been embroiled in controversy when it emerged that 1.6 million patient data records had not been adequately safeguarded when shared between London’s Royal Free Hospital and DeepMind. Data sharing agreements between the two had to be rewritten and DeepMind has also created an “Ethics & Society” group to maintain the ethical standards of AI, and ensure that social good is prioritised during the fast-moving evolution of these technologies.

Clearly, there may be obstacles ahead that no one can predict. DeepMind’s co-founder Mustafa Suleyman highlights the extent of the challenge:

“It won’t be easy: the technology sector often falls into reductionist ways of thinking, replacing complex value judgments with a focus on simple metrics that can be tracked and optimised over time….

Getting these things right is not purely a matter of having good intentions. We need to do the hard, practical and messy work of finding out what ethical AI really means.”

A future with everything to play for

Nevertheless, Suleyman describes a future which, with the right guidance, could be aided immensely by artificial intelligence when aligned with human values:

“If we manage to get AI to work for people and the planet, then the effects could be transformational. Right now, there’s everything to play for.”

[immersedinm]

In support of their recent EP release Wild Rivers is currently burning up the highways and byways of the states. Most recently, they were sweeping throughout the south, and Atlanta was fortunate they made a stop at Eddie’s Attic last Thursday evening. Having played the venue before, they seemed relaxed prior to the show as they were spotted happily chatting to excited ticket holders of the sold out show.

A few weeks ago, I shared their tune “Howling” before realizing they might make the long trek to Atlanta. I simply knew it was a winner. When I heard they were making Atlanta a part of their tour, they were kind enough to answer a few questions to help us get to know them a little better.

Wild Rivers is a Toronto based band with seamless guitar, steady percussion and stunning vocal harmonies, all fused together with earnest songwriting. The group began with Devan Glover and Khalid Yassein, and they were voted Toronto’s best new artist in 2015. Since then, they added Ben Labenski (drums), and Andrew Oliver (bass, guitar). Although at their performance in Atlanta, the drummer was someone else (did not catch his name) filling in for Ben. He was talented, but not sure if he was a permanent change or filling in.

1. How did you all meet? What is the story behind the name, Wild Rivers?

Devan Glover-

“A few of us met in college, and through mutual friends. A music career was something we’d all dreamed of pursuing, so after graduation we started to take it more seriously, and that summer we got into the studio to record our first album. We all got together to work out arrangements for the songs, and have been playing together ever since. It all kind of developed from there.” 

“As for the name, honestly it came from hours and hours of playing word association in the car. On long drives, we’d spitball combinations of words that we liked, writing down the ones that sounded cool and resonated in some way. “Wild Rivers” was in the running, and one day we stumbled upon a poem by Gregory Orr that we related to, titled The River (see it here). Thematically, The River resonated with us because it’s about taking a plunge into the unknown. At the time, this was exactly what we were doing, diving into a new career path and experiencing the uncertainty that comes with graduating college and having to figure your life out. The poem mentioned ‘Wild Rivers’ a lot, so that’s how we settled on the name.”

2. When I listen to your music, I feel like it has the roots of folk/rock/country music I have grown up with all my life living in the American south, but you breathe a freshness to it which makes it unique. Who are your musical influences and how does that impact your sound?  

Devan–

“We all grew up listening to lots of classic singer/songwriter, folk and rock music –  James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles, The Beatles. We draw a lot of inspiration from artists in that era – particularly when it comes to songs with a heavy lyrical focus and lots of vocal harmony. We also look to a lot of current folk/rock artists for inspiration – The Lumineers, Bahamas, Half Moon Run to name a few – but individually, our musical tastes span across many genres. I think this works to our advantage, because it allows us to incorporate certain aspects of different genres into our own music, and hopefully create something unique. When you think about it, the best bands have never been bound to a certain genre. Fleetwood Mac has songs ranging from country to pop to folk to rock. John Mayer started as a singer/songwriter, went on to put out a country blues album, and is now sampling hip hop beats in his newer music. We try to operate under the mentality that the best song always wins, no matter if it necessarily “fits” within a certain genre.”

  3. This isn’t your first big tour, what do you look forward to the most this time around? What have you learned about being on the road and staying fresh for each show?

Khalid Yassein-

“We’ve never been to the West Coast, so that’s going to be a huge highlight. We’ve had a lot of people asking for us to come out so it’ll be cool to finally play some shows out there! We’re planning on doing lots of hiking and exploring on days off. We’ve gotten a lot better at managing our sleep and exercising  when we’re on tour. We’re also always looking for healthy food and it’s fun to find new little spots. We’ve been at it long enough now that we know what works and what’s not sustainable. It’s all about balance.” 

  4. What is your songwriting style or music making process? Does the music follow the lyrics or the other way around? Is it collaborative writing or do one or two of you develop a song and then bring it to the band to complete?

Khalid-

“We go about it a lot of ways. On our first record, I  wrote a lot of the songs, almost always with music first and then building lyrics and ideas on that. Devan and I co-wrote a few on that album, which is cool because Devan is mostly lyrics first. On our new EP we co-wrote a lot with each other, as well as with a few songwriters out of Nashville which was a pretty awesome experience. You get a new feel when you step out of your comfort zone with new writing situations, it’s fun! “

  5. When y’all are on the road, what other bands are you listening to?

Khalid-

“We love all kinds of music. A lot of old classics, today we were going through the Beatles discography start to finish. Right now we’re into a rapper called Noname out of Chicago who’s incredible. And in the Americana world we’re really into new records from Rayland Baxter and Ruston Kelly. We like to mix it up for long drives.”  

They gave me a few new sounds and if you know me, you know I have already tapped into them on Spotify.

Wild Rivers at Eddie’s Attic

As we were waiting for Wild Rivers to begin, Eddie’s Attic filled up quickly with a buzz of excitement. It was a sold out show, with very little standing room. I enjoyed chatting it up with people who were there. Two pretty girls were standing behind me, and I couldn’t help overhear their strategy to try and find two empty seats. I made every effort to help them, but it wasn’t possible that night. When I explained about my blog and why I was there, they asked if the band members were friendly and nice. I explained that they were incredibly open and made an effort to answer my questions as well as chat with me before the show. Some bands don’t do that! The girls were big fans trekking miles and miles to see Wild Rivers on a Thursday night, and they actually breathed a sigh of relief to hear the band was genuine.

Certainly talent, creativity, and presence helps, but sometimes it is the extra effort to chat with fans that can make all the difference. Wild Rivers seemed polished and practiced, with no stumbles or fumbles that I could tell. They were hitting all the right notes and truly fantastic.

Wild Rivers-L-R  Khalid Yassein, Devan Glover, and Andrew Oliver

  I really tried to capture Khalid’s dreamy sincere eyes, but I didn’t bring my obnoxious lenses. Others were swooning along side me…It is a forceful combo of crazy smooth talent + good looks. He has something to say and expresses moods and emotions in a way that connects.

Wild Rivers had quiet solo moments with an acoustic guitar, as well as powerful full band, hand-clap inspiring tunes. They mixed up their songs nicely and at moments, I wished I could stand up and sway to the ever changing tempos, but didn’t want to block the view of others.

Andrew’s guitar added a depth to the songs and gave them an edge, which without, would have left them lacking. The drum and guitar complete their sound and help them to expand the possibilities.

  Some bands chat between songs and some bands don’t. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. In this case Khalid did most of the talking and it worked well. You could hear a pin drop. He gave some background to his songwriting and the premise for the lyrics. I felt the purpose behind the music, which only made me appreciate it more.

Devan has an incredible voice which puts this band on another level. I kind of expected sweet chirping blue birds to land on her outstretched hands at times. Yep, the range and control was enviable and jaw dropping. She made it seem so effortless. And yes, a woman from the audience yelled out at the end of one song, “You’ve got some pipes girl!” after she belted out a deeper tone.

  I captured a snippet of Wild Rivers performing their latest hit, “I Won’t Be Back”, from their recent EP release titled, Eighty Eight.

  I was able to nab the set list after the show, and the guy sitting next to me was reminded, and jumped up to get another one for his wife (who is also from Toronto!). She is holding it as her friends gather around. They were my pick for super fans (pictured at the foot of my blog homepage) and all went home smiling!

Here is my set list up close. Note-there is a new tune on the list, “Moving Target”. Listening, I could hear the continued growth of this band and recognize the influences of the multiple genres they described in the questions above. 

They have a host of shows from here till the first of December. Don’t miss them while they are still playing intimate venues. Check out if they are coming near you by clicking here. Wild Rivers Shows

As summer begins to loosen up its grip on us all, it was nice to begin fall with a show which proved to be really tremendous.

Wild Rivers-Interview and Photos From Their Recent Atlanta Show In support of their recent EP release Wild Rivers is currently burning up the highways and byways of the states.