#i have deeply missed dissecting things like this for myself

[wullu]

While it is now clear that romance is absolutely on the table, I fear I have to make a couple of amendments to my previous post.

The biggest deterrents to Justitia and Da On's romance is no longer the age gap or society or even the demon/human condition. But rather: murder Or rather the incompatible meeting of demon justice and human justice.

Justitia is absolutely doing her job, though I think she could have done without the equivalent of a cat bringing their owner dead rodents/birds/critters etc. Still, her work is valid.

At the same time, so is Da On's suspicion because I dont think murder, however deserved, is fair in his eyes. Which is a little ironic because he did aggravate the situation in the Cha Minjeong case by needling the toxic sludge boyfriend -- side note, I am not sure needling is the right word, but when I was watching that scene, I was like bro there's no need to be running your mouth to that man right now. It's the same as kicking a hornet's nest. Still, I digress. Anyway, his own trauma plus his work as a policeman means that the man has strong ideas about following the letter of the law and that justice be served through the appropriate channels -- even when he was annoyed at the rulings presented before.

Hmm, coming to think of it, the real tussle will be how Justitia metes justice and Da On's inability to reconcile that with his growing interest in her. And perhaps, it also forces him to re-examine his perception of black and white/good and bad in contrast to Justitia's measurement of absolutes. And maybe Justitia will also have to revisit what it means to be human and allow room for shades of grey. Right now, Da On is like a very fascinating plaything, so new in his shininess, but also attractive with his convictions and reasoning. So it makes sense she's interested and wants to know more. But falling further also means humanizing herself and giving up a little bit of her core demon identity, which may not feel so tenable in the long run, or is even possible, considering that the penalty for love is death.

I dont even know if the drama will touch on all these aspects, but it sure is fun to contemplate all these.

[nataliesscatorccio]

i'm not being funny, Yellowjackets has genuinely changed the way that I watch tv. it's changed the way I read books, poetry. listen to music. watch movies. least of all because now I can't help but relate everything back to Yellowjackets, and most of all because it re-activated something in me that the fast-fiction streaming services tried to stomp out. it reminded me that I love to love things deeply, that I want to be consumed by the thing i'm consuming, that there's value in paying attention, in rewatching. value in consuming things for reasons that aren't checking this week's hot new binge off a to-do list like it's a job and i'm racing to finish with an invented urgency, just to reach the end and find myself unchanged and ready for the next "can't miss!" mediocre thing i'll never think about again. I want to sit down with the things that speak to me! I want to speak back to them, dissect them, understand more and understand better. I want to be inspired. by the media itself, by what other people have been inspired by within it. isn't it nice to be moved? don't you want to glut yourself on the meat of what moves you? don't you want to suck the bones dry? I couldn't have known how tired of throwing fatty scraps away I was until I found something I needed to leave bite marks in.

[b3lz33bub]

[warning: Enstars brainrot is back after a whole year, I still ramble like a nerd, spoilers for Raison d'être event story]

Valkyrie - Le temps des fleurs

*:･ﾟ✧ Lyrics, video and story analysis :*✧･ﾟ

(even if it's so obviously gay)

I have resurrected my enstars obsession and I found myself fated to dissect Valkyrie's intriguing songs once again, as it seems their relationship has progressed much since last time I had checked on them. This is one going to be elaborate since the song is heavily tied to the event story Raison d'être and to the stage performance which is filled with plenty of symbolism.

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚ Relevant links ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚

Lyrics translation by ForeverAsia

Raison d'être translation by Mika Enstars

Official MV

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ Title *:･ﾟ✧*:･

The title of the song, Le temps des fleurs, which translates to "The time of the flowers", could be a reference to the infamous french song from the late 60s with the same title. The original song sung by Dalida directly derives from a russian romance song and depicts the tale of a woman who misses her lover and commemorates the time when they were together, young and carefree.

This is important to note once we provide context from the event story.

*:･ﾟ✧* Raison d'être *:･ﾟ✧*

In the event Raison d'être, which translates to "reason for being", a common french expression, we discover Shu's grandfather wishes to hold a live funeral and turns its preparation into a competition between the other family members. He creates a rather elaborate scenario in order for Shu to uncover the truth about his youthful days in France. Shu's succesful deduction, with Mika's help, enables him to prepare an opera for the funeral.

But Valkyrie had decided to partially cover the truth from the rest of the family in the narration of the opera. Thus, the story birthed actually ends up as an allegory for the relationship Mika and Shu have. (That is why, I will refer to the characters in the story by whom they represent)

Shu, a foreign student in France, passed by a mansion covered in roses and sighted through the window Mademoiselle, whom he fell in love with. Each time he had seen her, he fell deeper and deeper, ending up entering the mansion, unable to contain his feelings.

To his dismay, the beautiful woman he had fallen in love with turned out to be just a life-sized doll.

But the story isn't simply just that. In the mansion was also, of course, a dollmaker, Mika, who had modelled Mademoiselle after his appearance in women's clothes. Deeply moved by Shu's devotion, who had been sending love letters and had been whispering his love in the night, Mika had fallen in love with him, only having been accustomed with the solitude of his own mansion up until then.

But since the discovery of Mademoiselle's true nature, Shu had fallen depressed. Mika decided to dress up in women's clothing and warmly recognise the man's feelings.

「 Je t'aime 」

"I love you"

Mika thought it would end up as a heartfelt, passing moment and their lives would fall back into monotony. But Shu's wishes had just become true — the woman he loved had loved him back.

Since then, he had visited the mansion time and time again. Everytime there was a knock at the door, Mika would hurringly put his women's clothes and makeup on.

This concludes the first act, a comedic tale about the tumultuous existance of a same-sex relationship in a time that wasn't very accepting of it. (As stated by Shu himself)

The second act is an epilogue of the events. Shu had gone back to Japan to fulfill the duties of his family, but promised himself he'd reunite with Mademoiselle. Years later, upon his return, the mansion of roses had decayed, the flowers withering. The only thing left was an inscription on the walls, written in red as if it were fresh blood:

「 Je t'aime 」

"I love you"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Instictually, you'd think that the roles of the story should be reversed. Since Mademoiselle is an extension of Shu, and Mika is a devout follower of Shu as an artist, wouldn't it make more sense for Shu to be the dollmaker and for Mika to be the foreign student?

That is clarified by the diverse use of the pronoun "I" in japanese throughout the retelling of the story by Shu and Mika. When talking about the foreign student, they use "boku", the pronoun version Shu usually uses. The dollmaker, instead, uses "ore", the pronoun version Mika uses. With that in mind and a little thought put into it, you'd see the pieces falling into place.

The first act depicts the relationship Mika and Shu had up until that point. Shu had fallen in love with Mika, the marionette, but the events of Valkyrie made him realise Mika being a mere marionette in his eyes was inhumane — it wasn't real love, but a devout admiration. Mika, though, had proven himself, slow and steady, to be a real human with free-will, wishes and ambitions, in front of the person he loved ��� an equal. Thus, Shu could truly love the person he only dreamed of loving previously because love can only really bloom between two equals.

The second act depicts Shu's fears about their future. At the beginning of the event story, he reveals he had already prepared a room for Mika to live in Paris so they will continue their lives together. When Mika told him about wanting to remain in Japan after graduation to maintain Valkyrie , Shu spirals out of control, betrayed and fearful. In his eyes, Mika refused maintaining, or even strenghtening, their relationship. In the opera, that is what Shu imagines would happen if they remain separated; one day, Shu would not find Mika waiting for him, having dissapeared from his life, their love withering.

Unlike the opera, we will discover the song, Le temps des fleurs, "ties the knot" of their thread of troubles and feelings.

*:･ﾟ✧* Lyrics & MV *:･ﾟ✧*

[Shu] - pink

[Mika] - green

[Shu and Mika] - blue

In the stage background is depicted the Eiffel Tower to represent where the story takes place, in Paris. This coincides with the city where Mika and Shu sort out their feeling about their future.

Mistakably compared to a marionette, those blue eyes seem vacant

As this foreign romance spun with a stranger begins to close

Wayfaring through an illusion, traversing on streets of stone

Wandering, endlessly, like melting wax dripping in diurnal rhythms

The two commemorate the circumstances of their early relationship, Shu mistaking Mika, a masterful artist, for a mere marionette, leading to a temporary love that couldn't truly exist this way, that melts with each passing day under the sun rays.

The night burns into the dawn, and the heart that yearns without reward

Has long since overlapped

Even if it’s the same as the breeze, that blows through in its flurry of gales

Even if Shu finds out the truth, that love for a doll can't be truly love, he still holds onto it despite all the misfortunes that have come his way, mainly the rough days of Valkyrie. His love for Mika was a "breeze", a gentle wind, in the midst the despair reminiscent of a "flurry of gales", a circular mass of strong winds that entrapped him.

In the MV, during this part, Shu and Mika hold hands and sway together as they sing. It is a crucial moment since (from my knowledge so correct me if I'm wrong) Mika and Shu haven't made such heartfelt gestures on stage before. It highlights how the songs have gradually become more concentrated on themselves, rather than Valkyrie talking to the audience like in the past.

O city of flowers, this love too can bloom, even on the wayside.

It shall remain as a single song

Sear that gorgeous splendor onto each other’s hearts

As this beloved shadowed silhouette[1]

Turns this into a phantasm tale

From the story of the opera written by the two, we can conclude that flowers represent love. Paris, the city of flowers in this case, is also the city of romance.

Even if their feelings seemed impossible of becoming reality because of the rather troubled beginning of their relationship, their strenght had led the two to believe it is possible to achieve, "even on the wayside". They would even accept it even if it were just a passing moment, "a single song", as long as it was real and satiatied their desires by "searing that gorgeous splendor on each other's hearts". When the moment of love would cease to exist, if it ever does, they believe it will be immortalized in their memory as a "phantasm tale", thus having no regret ever experiencing it.

During this moment, the MV background switches to the Temple of Love on the grounds of the Palace of Versailles. The choreography in front of this place dedicated to the women "loved" by the french royalty[2] is also very suggestive of the ignition of romantic feelings. Mika and Shu reach out their arms to each other's hearts as the camera focuses on their shared gazes during the moment. Not long after, the camera focuses on their hands as they join together in front of the Temple of Love, signifying their romantic union.

[1] The original translation on the fan wiki says "silhouettier", which is a word I couldn't find on any online dictionaries. I will assume they meant "silhouette", like other translations.

[2] The factuality of that statement could be debatable, but I am no expert in the matter, nor is it the focus of my point.

-------------------------------------------------------------

[The following segment isn't in the MV so it will be delimited with red.]

Even if we cling onto such ridiculous prayers

The feeling of hopelessness will never disappear, will it?

In that case, let’s leave the meaning of our encounter behind

As we change the regalia belonging to coincidence and fate

In this verse, they seem to be voicing each other's perception of their new relationship.

Shu is still on the edge about their future, as seen especially at the beginning of the event story. Despite both of them having shared such devotion for each other, he cannot help but feel hopeless that it would all end at any step.

Mika recognizes this and keeps looking forward, wanting Shu to adopt the same way of thinking. He has also been the first push that had led to the rehabilitation of Valkyrie, with the help of his faith in his mentor and the love he harbors for him. In this verse, it is also suggested that Shu isn't quite over their relationship during the ex-Valkyrie, thus the source of his hopelessness. It is also evident in the event story when he keeps mentioning Mika had become a human, probably fearful they would regress to their past dynamic.

Some things are unforgivable

Rather than grieving over those sins

Shall we dance the night away instead?

As I reach out my hand to you

And for you to look back at me

They seem to accept their irredeamable past that had led them to the present moment. If it meant reaching that point where they could share their love, "dance the night away", reach out their hands and look back at each other, it was worth it.

Is it possible to worry about the destination of an endless dream?

Even if it’s something that is not finite in nature

Let’s keep it forever, the shine that lasts only in this world

As we are sought and lured by each other

While having our souls turn into a phantasm tale

Unlike the love for a marionette that would melt with each passing day, this love, the love of an equal, is an "endless dream" and "not finite in nature". This current love that they share is more important that their "destination", meaning that they shouldn't worry about the future, which they did at the beginning of the event story, since their love would triumph even against time. This act of being "lured by each other" is compassionate enough to not just dissapear, get immortalized in their memory as in the first chorus, but instead the devotion for each other would be the one to immortalize them as lovers of a "phantasm tale".

-------------------------------------------------------------

Before the bridge commences, the background of the MV becomes pure white, turning Mika and Shu into mere silhouettes. The atmosphere is heavy. When they try to reach out for each other, they miss each other's embrace, unable to look back at one another. This could represent the moments when they feel lost during their relationship, an example being the opening scene of the event story.

Even if it’s worn and arenaceous

If you lift its casing, its contents will overflow

So even if time is bound, the shades and chromes will still remain

Painting the future in a blinding iridescence

Each verse of the first three is split in half between the two, representing a separation, but proving that, despite the circustances, they share the same feelings about their relationship.

Even if their love is "worn and arenaceous", almost on the brink of dying, "if you lift its casing", its coffin's lid , it will prove to be as strong as ever, "overflowing". Even if their love will die out, its impact will leave an imprint on their lives.

In the final verse, their voices join and their gazes meet. The conclusion is that, no matter the outcome, their love would brighten their future with "a blinding iridescence". Stripping themselves of the worries about both past and future, by embracing the present moment of their love, they have freed themselves.

In the background, the Arch of Triumph is revealed and the stage is filled with blooming flowers, a symbol of their love as established earlier. Then, the second[1] chorus begins.

[1] It is the third chorus if we talk about the entire song. But since this chorus mirrors the first one, it would be more suggestive to call it the second one, like it is in the MV.

O city of flowers, the entire town itself is wrapped in your love

Even the days that passes on by has bloomed and scattered

Let this continue to reverberate forevermore inside each other’s hearts

As this beloved shadowed silhouette

Manifests for this very reason to make you dance

Alongside this song of love, this song of love

The choreography is the same as the one in front of the Temple of Love. If the first time it was about the reciprocity of their feelings that had no clear duration, this time it is the confidence that they are eternal. Mika and Shu are victorious in their love's battle against time and, once again, can reach out for their hearts, look back at each other and join hands.

The final statement is made as their love is finally triumphant over all the hardships Valkyrie had to endure. Their love is so radient, "the entire town itself is wrapped" in it. Even if these moments of love, which have bloomed, would "scatter" in the past, they believe their feelings would keep "reverberating forevermore inside each other's hearts". The song ends with the acknowledgement of its true nature, it being a "song of love".

The MV ends with Mika and Shu looking into each other's eyes, arms ready to reach one another, but far enough to not yet be touching each other — for it is only the first step in their true relationship. The camera pans to Shu's face who, usually, doesn't allow for his affectionate side to surface easily, lovingly looking at Mika.

On a final note, it is really important to mention the outfits. There could be many interpretations for the split appearance of them: funeral and marriage, shadow and light, masculinity and femininity. Either way it may be, the outfits themselves represent union. If in the past, for example in "Eternal Weaving", Mika and Shu were distinguished by a certain symbol, like shadow and light, through their love, they have attained balance. It is both a funeral and a celebration of love. The clothes are the recognition that the lovers are both composed of light and shadow and that they complete one another. They are a symbol about appearance and essence, where one half is seen by the world (Shu in a tuxedo, strong and independent; Mika in a dress, soft and innocent) and the other only by the lovers (Shu in a dress beause he is quite emotional and compassionate; Mika in a tuxedo because he is strong-willed and would do anything for their hapiness together).

In the silence that follows, we can only have faith their love would prevail over anything in their way of looking into each other's longing eyes.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

Thank you for bearing with me! I am so crazed by their love story I had to go all out. I don't think straight romance has achieved this kind of depth yet, I am afraid. (Don't try to prove me wrong, I am right).

[justme-1723]

RANDOM ONLY FRIENDS THEORIES/THOUGHTS

- Sand will get tired of Ray’s shenanigans/not coming first in his life and take a step back. I think this might be where this mystery character comes into play (*the one he has a love scene with). Sand is my favorite character by a long shot and I just know he’s going to do something that disappoints me… I’m dreading it because I will call him out even though I love him dearly. Part of me thinks his lack of empathy/straight shooter attitude will get him into trouble. Sometimes he is TOO honest. On the flip side, I also think he feels things very deeply and this will not bode well because Ray is an addict. His heart will shatter. Not excited at all.

- Ray WILL absolutely lose his damn mind if he finds out about Sand sleeping with someone else (*maybe I’m wrong, but he just seems like the jealous type lol) I think he will push Sand away because falling in love with someone who has the capacity to love him back will terrify him. I think he will spend most of the series trying to convince himself and others that he doesn’t have REAL feelings for Sand. Poor babe. It’s okay Ray, I love you anyway. I do think he will be sober/starting his journey to sobriety by the finale too. I can’t wait for this part!

- I think we are missing some very vital information about Boston. I’m not sure what it could be… but I’m so worried about him. I know that may seem silly… sue me. He just gives me “I’m actually so fucking miserable and I hate myself uwu” vibes. Could be very wrong though lol. There is clear tension between him & Mew and I think there is a reason for that. One that might surprise us. Mew has made some shady comments about Boston & Boston doesn’t hold back when he talks about Mew to Top.

- Nick has no idea what healthy boundaries are. From the beginning, he has completely disregarded Boston’s right to privacy. Yes he’s cute and yes he’s young, but he has crossed every line imaginable (almost) and they aren’t even in a committed relationship. Boston isn’t obligated to be faithful. He doesn’t owe Nick any information about his sex life outside of their arrangement. Sigh. I think it will only get worse from here though… Revenge porn??… I hope not… I also think Nick just wants to be loved.

- Mew. There is something about Mew that I can’t quite wrap my head around. I was VERY surprised that he chose to use sex as a bargaining tool. It seemed very out of character for him. I love that he called Ray out for kissing him without his permission. It needed to be addressed and Mew handled it flawlessly. Which again, is why I was so shocked by his choices at the end of this latest episode… Ray calls him out yet again before he leaves, “Is Top really the kind of boyfriend you want?” This is the second time Ray has said something like this. Is Mew trying to prove something? Does it bother him that Ray of all people, the person he has very clearly said isn’t the type of boyfriend he wants, is the person pointing out that Top isn’t a good option either?

- Top is so complex. They all are really, but Top has so many layers and he isn’t as easy to read. (In my opinion) This ex is definitely important to him. I think he has some scars from that relationship. I also think there is some sort of hidden trauma that hasn’t been shared with us yet. His relationship with sex is all over the place. I can’t even begin to dissect that.

I have so many other thoughts swirling around in my brain, but they get so jumbled up lol. This probably makes no sense either, so have fun reading my nonsense. Or don’t. That’s cool too.

[insectsinsects]

Interestingly, we actually were girls together... When I met Jo I was 18 years and 11 months old, and had just emerged from my house for the first time in 3 months— straight to school in New York. We were shockingly vulnerable in a really simple 101 Writing class. We spent much of our time in cafes and academic buildings dissecting and chipping away at our Didion imitations until we pretended to 'find' some sort of voice at the end of the semester (how timely!). She towered above me, and coaxed a part of me I thought was shut away for good in a house in Oklahoma City. I felt really comfortable. She celebrated my birthday with me after knowing me for a week. We'd speed through SoHo, two of my strides to one of hers, and I always thought she looked cool with a cigarette in hand though it wasn't anything I was smoking at the time. Her suitcase remained empty with 20 minutes till departure, and we barely missed a bus down to DC. She got us new tickets and against her stature leaned all the way down onto my shoulder for the 5-hour ride, and we split at Union Station. She went off to visit a friend at some DC school and I was seeing family. We reconnected at the end of the week, where those cheap buses meet up, and went back home to New York.

When we were sent home, we sent letters across the Midwest in riveting exchanges between Oklahoma and Illinois. We scrawled bits of forgotten writing projects onto paper and wrote to each other often. Radio silence for a while, and we were back nine months later. She was living with her best friend at the time. It wasn't me. Their sublease was really gorgeous. The energy was funny. They stopped being friends after the lease ran out. I last saw her on my 21st birthday in Tompkins with a slice of cheesecake. Late as usual.

Two years of radio silence. I texted her for some reason in April 2023 and we chatted briefly. Nothing again. She's always been in New York, though. I knew her face really well. I superimposed it onto strangers in the crowd. I knew she was here, somewhere.

That summer I felt another friendship dying. I went home exhausted and sweaty and annoyed. No seats on the subway but a space near a familiar face. I was glad she recognized me. I was afraid she wouldn't. She was to transfer at one stop. I told her I'd be on the train for another hour getting to the outer reaches of Queens. "Safe travels," and I let the subway car population dwindle before weeping. Nothing again. Maybe I was afraid to reach out myself because I didn't have anything to say (<- symptom of being frozen by anxiety for 2 years).

And then something this past week. I waited 12 minutes to reply. I missed the person I used to be so severely and was deadly curious about her. I was embarrassed about our run-in on the train. I sweat so badly I had pit stains on a plain, over-sized shirt (symbolism) and she was in business casual workwear. It felt awfully on-the-nose about my perception of my own life and disappointment in myself. I didn't text her because I didn't want to think about it. But she texted me. Our old writing professor from that very class where we met mentioned me, thus prompting the text. She told me on the phone that she thinks often about a thing I used to say (an Andrea original?!) about Jaywalking with the new mothers because no car would run over a baby in a stroller (😭). A saying which attaches a smile to every crosswalk. And remember she's been in New York this entire time. Couldn't help but cry about it. She regaled me on everything. Seems we've been lonely the same past 6 months. I wish we had each other then. I wish she could've seen the joyful moments. I actually don't know if you'd like her, and I think Winnie has a thing about Jo 'cause she unfollowed her on IG a while back (we were all in that same writing class and we are all deeply unwell lmfao⚠️) but I do consider her a great influence on the Andrea you ended up meeting two years ago, if that's worth something at all. At the very least it'd be funny? I'll make it happen. She's in Bushwick now actually.

Anyway everything's a missed bus to DC and every good thing in life is being that uncomfortable shoulder to lean down and cry on. Likewise, the security I felt knowing she could always casually pick things back up and move forward is something that could pull me out of the tar pit. We have suffered apart and alone long enough.

[vidreview]

VIDREV: "Tim Burton's World of Sadboys" by Infinite Snow Productions

[originally posted april 29 2023]

Not only are you the exact brand of person who Neon Genesis Evangelion is about, you are also the exact brand of person who would completely and confidently miss the point of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

sometimes you come across an essay that says everything you've always wanted to say about a thing but could never quite work out how to fit together all in one place. this is one of my those. like a lot of film-loving millennials who went through an emo phase, Tim Burton holds a very special and deeply complicated place in my heart. the bizarre gothic aesthetics of his worlds brimming over with eccentric freaks captured my imagination as a deeply closeted trans teen who didn't feel normal anywhere [she] went. yes i wanted to be Lydia from Beetlejuice, no i never sat down and questioned what that might say about me personally! some of my earliest childhood memories are of playing with a plastic action figure of Catwoman from Batman Returns. that's not really related to anything, i just wanted to mention accidentally stabbing myself in the hand with one of her ears so hard it drew blood when i was a toddler. so obviously as an aspiring writer with dreams of maybe one day directing movies, Tim Burton felt like the perfect role model for the kind of creator i wanted to be back in 2002.

but as the years went on and Burton revealed himself to be maybe the biggest sellout of his generation, i stopped really thinking about his films and kind of felt embarrassed for having liked them as much as i once did. i think people who grew up with his stuff had this feeling that, like, Edward Scissorhands or whatever was their own personal secret, this little missive from Burton to you that no one else understood, that only you were smart enough to get. but then time happened and suddenly you realized that actually most people liked his stuff, you just didn't get out much. it's sort of like how when you're a teen in 2004 Neon Genesis Evangelion is this niche special interest no one's ever heard of that people would make fun of you for liking if their eyes didn't glaze over halfway through the title, and then you grow up and learn that Eva is the eighth most financially successful anime franchise on planet earth and you're like what

narratively Burton's films are about as socially conservative as you can get while still retaining a veneer of liberal plausible deniability. a couple years ago Maggie Mae Fish did a video dissecting Burton's work that helped clarify a lot of this stuff for me, and ever since then i've been waiting for someone else to pick up that ball and really barrel down into the psychology of the man. don't get me wrong, psychoanalytic media criticism can be dangerous and should only be deployed with excessive caution (and please for the love of god Do Not Quote Freud Jung or Lacan), but Burton's own brand is so surface-level personal and his work far too juiced up with extremely telling themes not to merit at least a little bit of psychoanalysis. i've often idly considered doing it myself, in that "this would make a really good video essay" kind of way when something isn't really in your wheelhouse but maybe would be a fun challenge if you could motivate yourself to care enough, knowing you never will.

enter Tim Burton's World of Sadboys, an essay which does all of this and more. i'm not sure i actually have a whole lot to say about this one, besides that it's everything i hoped it would be from the thumbnail. host Delaney Jordan very succinctly conjures the eternal specter hanging over the Burton oeuvre: that he's one of the vanishingly few directors this century who has had carte blanche to make just about anything he wanted, yet he's consistently chosen to make films about lonely white boys who are sad they can't wear their The Cure t-shirt into the office, and who are honestly quite sick of being unfairly associated with those freaks in the goth scene. the sad truth about Burton that we all had/have to come to terms with is that he's just another boring rich conservative suburbanite, except he wears black and doesn't pay anyone to touch his hair.

this essay does a couple of really smart things structurally. we kick things off with a legendary Orson Welles quote tearing down the scoundrel Woody Allen (read by the hosts of Oddity Roadshow and Critical Bits, the only actual play podcasts i still listen to), a choice that works even if you don't really know anything about Welles or Allen or Burton, and only works better the more you know about them. of course the thumbnail and section titles invoke Evangelion, but you don't really know how this could be relevant until later on when Burton is explicitly framed as a Shinji Ikari type. making that specific historical connection to Welles, within this specific overarching intertextual connection to Evangelion, is just so smart. it's such a galaxy brain framework for an essay and it's why i decided to write up this review.

it works because it gets out of the way. Jordan wastes almost no time hedging bets, making apologies, clarifying asterisks-- i spent most of my time nodding along, delighted for once to be the choir she's preaching to. sometimes i think essayists can let The Point They Want To Make eclipse the simple joy of deconstructing someone else's art. if there's any crime i've committed most as a video essayist myself, it's probably that one. what i appreciate here is, again, Jordan gets it. she gets that it's fun to rubberneck a career like Burton's. he's an easy target that you don't have to feel bad about being kind of mean to, and his work is popular enough that you don't need to waste any time doing recaps. somewhere in the middle i was disappointed to realize she wasn't structurally devoting time to Every Single Film, but by the end i was glad of it. the compulsion to Say Absolutely Everything You Can Possibly Think To Say is strong in the video essayist's heart, and let's be real most of the time that makes for pretty fucking boring essays. maybe it's weird to talk about pacing and flow in the context of a video essay, but here we are. this one just scratches an itch for me with its front to back competence. you can always tell when an essay has been brewing in someone's head for a long time, likely practiced in chunks at parties and social gatherings for years and years until the day of its final refined delivery, and oh how sweet it is when that's an experience you share.

i guess i'll end this on a serious note.

nostalgia has engulfed Hollywood. nothing new can be made because nothing new is a sure bet, so all the big developments in creative tools these days are about composting the culture that already exists. deepfakes, chat-gpt, algorithmic image generation, things of this nature. given this moment in history, i think it's more important than ever that we as adults seriously interrogate the media we're nostalgic for. Disney's place at the center of all this can't be ignored, because it's spent the better part of a century embedding its products into american childhood and thus today has an army of devotees who will defend their frankly kind of mid fairy tale cartoons to the death. Tim Burton, on a much smaller scale, has done precisely the same thing: equating his art with himself, equating loving his art with being on Tim Burton's side rather than simply, you know, enjoying a movie that you saw on tv once. and god, oh dear god, please for heaven's sake let us not even Begin to conversate on the matter of Harry Potter. we live in a moment when the average human person has been so thoroughly dispossessed of any material influence on or connection with the systems and bodies that actually drive civilization, that fiction is the only thing that feels like it belongs to us anymore. it quite demonstrably doesn't, of course, but that's the illusion Disney et al deliberately peddle in order to maintain public acceptance of their monopoly.

given all this, i'll never fail to appreciate an essay that cuts right through the blinders of nostalgia and isn't afraid to dig deep into the core of the issue. i think it's good to be a hater sometimes actually. i think it's good when a critic refuses to humor our culture's simpering deference to corporate robber barons of intellectual property and their endless stable of lazy sellout toadies like Tim Burton. idk man, there's a reason these ghouls want you to love them unconditionally and i really don't think it has anything to do with filling your life with selfless wonder and joy de vivre

anyway it's a good essay with some good laughs, go watch it

[knockouts-highbeams]

*Sliding their legs over the side of the berth, Ghost kicked their pedes, almost appearing sparkling-like in the moment as they fell back into old habits in an attempt to reassure him*

You don’t need to look at me like that. I’m not going to betray you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’d do anything for you. Even give my own life if the situation called for it.

*Their optics going wide, Ghost knew they had said too much and quickly changed the subject*

You miss them… don’t you?

*They know they shouldn’t have said it but the words leave them before they can catch them*

I’m sorry… I just….

*trailing off for a moment, they tilt their helm at him, their optics glistening with energon*

 They were special to you. I can feel it.

*looking away from him, they ex-vent sadly, their shoulders slumping as they seem to curl into themselves*

As long as you remember them, they will continue to live. I’ve often thought of that myself for when I die no one will remember me, *smiling sadly they glance back at him* hence, ‘Ghost’.

*Sliding off the berth they test their legs, bouncing from one to the other, closing their optics as they sigh deeply*

As for why I address you as my lord… well, keep me around long enough and you may find out… *licking at their dermas, their optics brighten as they look upon him* my lord… *the flirtatiousness of their words filled with an unspoken challenge as they laugh warmly and flop into his abandoned chair*

*The whiplash from hearing them say they would die for him, then switching, talking about who he missed, sent his processor reeling for a second. He turned his helm back to the box in front of him. He clenched his jaw, grinding his denta together and swallowing hard before he continued digging around in the box. He pulled out a pristine T-Cog, one that had been well taken care of before shoving the box back into the cabinet and closing it.

Knockout turned to his patient with bleary eyes as he fought back tears. He frustratedly wiped at his optics, forcing his emotions back.*

I don't miss anyone. My last assistant was just that. An assistant. I barely cared about him. I even studied and dissected his corpse without a second thought.

*He positioned himself in front of the other, lining up the cog with the vacant casing, before snapping it into place, albeit a tad roughly. Knockout huffed frustratedly, looking them over before turning back to his desk and picking up his data pad, rapidly typing some things into the margins.

He was barely listening to the other speak at this point, until he heard the flirtatious edge to the other's tone. His audials perked up and he stopped typing. He turned to them, gazing at them from the side, his eyes dark and utterly piercing. Then a predatory smirk crept onto his lips.*

Flirting with me is a dangerous game, Sweetspark.

*He set the datapad to the side, fully facing Ghost now, rolling his helm and shoulders, flexing and shifting his well polished plating. He gladly would flirt with a stranger to avoid his feelings on his old partner.*

[starheirxero]

what do you think is the most sexy fascinating thing about computer parts ( or machine if you're willing )

i like gears turning and making cranking sounds as a starter :D

- 📦

OH MAN. OH STARS OKAY I’M ABOUT TO SAY SOME REAL EMBARRASSING SHIT AND I NEED Y’ALL TO BEAR ME WITH HERE OKAY AHAHSHTDHJVGJC

Gears turning and cranking sounds are ABSOLUTELY wonderful and I actually do enjoy those quite a bit myself!! (The daycare attendant has gears in their head apparently and so they have a constant idle clicking and shifting noise that I like to play on loop HAHA)

What I think is thee most downright flustering part of a computer is always the insides.

The wires and the small metal components and the circuit boards and all that fun stuff. Like these images, or this one, or this one. Those types of things are my FAVEEEE. I actually follow a wonderful wonderful blog for that kinda stuff too called “machine-guts” which I HIGHLY recommend if you’re anything like me LOL

There’s just something about seeing a computer with all the stuff you’re not supposed to see on full display. Wether it’s clear casing or missing casing or just being downright dissected, it is something I deeply adore and I truly honestly dream to someday be able to stick my hands in a bunch of wires or feel a computer’s circuit board and carefully build a pc in the gayest way possible.

AHEM. UH. STRAIGHTENS TIE. ALSO WORTH NOTING THAT JUST ANY EXCESSIVE WIRING/PIPING GETS ME TOO BUT YK AHSISHSODJDK

[lewyn-martell]

also i wanted to tell you i've appreciated reading your commentary on banshees when it's crossed my dash, i know i am in a place where i am too fragile™ to handle that, but even not necessarily having full context for it, it's very thoughtful, and part of me just always likes knowing that people are responding to stories <333

OH 🥺🥺🥺🥺 THANK YOU that's so nice!!! i know that post was hard to miss with its size but it had to come out LMAO and it's nice to know it wasn't just an annoyance to scroll through for people who haven't seen the movie. i will take this opportunity to say i also find myself enjoying reading your stuff even when i have zero context because it's so heartfelt, and you write so well, and, especially, because i've always thought ever since i found your blog last year that we definitely have in common how deeply we fall in love with stories. like, i know i'm a rougher speaker and not nearly as well articulated, but i read your posts and i really REALLY relate to the things you say and the way you put them.

(also i don't know if you're a Writer™ but you really feel like one to me because while i tend to instinctively think that 'oh i guess a lot of things don't need to be said/i don't need to dissect them in an ask i'll just sound patronizing' you always know how to do it with the utmost care and connect things very neatly. i really admire that about you and it was seeing that in action that really made me connect with your posts 💖💖💖)

[renee-writer]

How Far is Forever?

A/N Written for the above prompt

He had many strange requests but this…

 

For as long as he could remember, he has had the ability to move through time. It is as simple for him as breathing. As a teenager, he discovers he can take others with him.  A plan develops, why not make money off it?  He can help others as well.

 

A job as a CNA in a retirement home places him where he can do both. The men and women, dying, can be taken into the future. He charges them based on how far they want to go. Usually, it is just far enough to see generation they will miss. Sometimes a bit farther. Then, after a decade, he meets George.

 

The whole place is talking about him. The richest person they have ever had. The home caterers to the wealthy, that is how he was able to monetize his gift, but George is in a whole other League! A billionaire!

 

“I heard you have a special talent.” He nods.  “Speak up. I didn’t come here for a mute.”

 

“Yes sir, I do.” He finds his voice as his mind dissects what he said. Did he come for me?

 

“Very good . How far have you traveled?”

 

“Twenty -five years.”

 

The old man frowns. “You can travel farther though?”

 

“Oh yes sir. It is up to my ahh, client. How far they want to go.”

 

“Excellent. Come closer.” He steps right up to the bed. *I want to go to the end of time, see how it all turns out.”

 

He stares at him, with wide eyes. “That is .”

 

“Doable? Is it doable?”

 

“I, I ahh, yes. It is.” He isn’t sure but he believes he can.

 

“Are you certain?”

 

“Yes sir,” he nods, “Yes it is.”

 

“Grand. I am dying . Have a matter of weeks. Have no family, my business was all I needed. No one to pass anything down too. So, this is the deal. You take me to the end, I give you every penny I have, minus whatever is needed to keep me here until I die. Deal.”

 

He is stunned. Having a sizable amount, a bit over a million dollars in the bank, he thought himself set. But this!

 

“A deal.” They shake hands, the young one engulfed by the older one.

 

“Brilliant. I shall have my lawyer here and the contract drawn up.”

 

He doesn’t sleep that night. Tossing and turning he thinks, “Where will this take us? How far is forever?”

 

The next day, George has the paperwork. He signs it. The old man does. It is notarized.

 

“When can we go? How does this work?”

 

“You take my hands. We stay here, in our bodies. Our spirits make the journey.” He pulls in the deepest breath he has ever taken. “Whenever you are ready.”

 

He eagerly reaches for his hands. The young man takes them. He closes his eyes. Breathing deeply in and out, he starts their travels.

 

The years fly by, like a vapor. They catch glimpses. A new building, a new child, a new war. More years, more changes. Lines around gas stations, empty shelves, hungry children. More years. Global conflict. Deep depression ( both economically and in people’s hearts). Farther. More bad news, famine, horrible diseases. A bit farther.

A huge war, unlike anything else they have seen. Blood runs freely. Then a army that comes from the sky! A man, but not a man, He stops it all with a Word. All evil, all violence, all disease. All the bad. They are ceased with a Word from The Word.

 

The earth gives way. They return to the room in the nursing home. The young man looks to the old one. His eyes are wide with regret. “I denied Him. Denied His way over me. I thought I knew. Thought myself a self made man. Oh forgive me God. Save me! Take me home. I give my life to You!”

 

Then he died. The young man still has his hands. He seats there for a moment then he bows his own head.

 

The money would allow him to do nothing for the rest of his life. He could just sit at leisure. But he knows the future.

 

There will be nothing left behind. He starts many charities. Recalling the things they have seen, he makes sure there are funds for those who will be affected by hunger, disease, war. He knows he can’t fix everything but does all he can.

 

He still works in the home. He still shows the dying their futures. Now though, he doesn’t charge. His skills aren’t limited to the rich. His message is God’s message. He warns all who will listen. Plants as many seedts as he can. He doesn’t want anyone to face the fire.

 

How far is forever? It is much closer then you think.

[camrynsthoughts]

mentally falling apart!: a vent

(this was originally written in my notes app so bare with me)

I feel so so very stuck in my life right now and it is so infuriating. I'm here spending more than half of my monthly income, living paycheck to paycheck, to live in a city where no one and nothing is tying me down. and I am making no movement towards my future whatsoever. I know it's me who has to fix that and work towards my future but it is so hard when I feel so stuck in place.

everyday is the same. when I'm in these moods, it makes me just want to move back home, figure out my shit, and get the fuck out of here. I don't feel my best right now and I feel like the people in my life don't understand me and I don't like explaining myself and I just want to "do me" without feeling like a complete loser compared to everyone else (once again, probably a me problem. I'm aware of that.) it's so frustrating to see everyone in my life work towards their future and living their lives. I feel like I'm constantly watching other people live life instead of living my own life.

I'm sick of feeling belittled by others. I'm sick of hearing "no offense but -" and having my intelligence demeaned just because I'm not in school or not working my career job just yet or simply because I have a different mind set than those around me because god forbid I do things my way! I'm sick of feeling like I need to drink to have fun and then having the absolute worst time anytime I feel a slight bit more than tipsy. I'm sick of feeling like I have no one when I have all these friends around me and I'm sick of feeling like I have no one to turn to without having to explain myself or be dissected/psycho-analyzed. I just feel so lifeless in this life currently and it's weird because I sometimes feel like I'm having "so much fun" and then this feeling of kicks in when in realize I'm truthfully not having fun. I'm mentally exhausted and every time I feel like I'm "having fun", something ruins it all somehow.

I just want t work on myself and my future; I need to work on myself and my future. I want to move and meet new people that get me. I want to be successful. like literally not one person is tying me down to here. not a job. not an education. no friends, no boyfriend. nothing at all. I'm just so sick of my life currently and it's so easy for me to put on this facade that I'm fine because I'm constantly surrounded by people and plans and it makes me feel like everything is more so "fine". but I don't feel fine deep down. I somehow miss being alone. I want to be home.

now at home, as of today, is my grandma and that's a whole other stress that is weighing down on me and god I feel so evil and selfish saying that. I want to go home and now when I go home next, I'll be seeing my grandma who I haven't seen now in 3+ years and it makes me sad but at the same time, the sadness is numbed by that pain of people hurting me throughout my life. I'm sick of people coming and going as they please and every time they go, I just lose more and more hope and love and respect and I hate that a lot. my grandma is such a sore subject for me and anytime I think deeply about it, I'm bound to cry. and I wish I knew why this was exactly other than what I said before about coming and going in and out of my life. thinking about her has always made me sad since high school, but i also think it's hard to watch her with dementia now which adds a whole other level to the stress that thinking about this lady gives me. it makes me feel really fucking bad. but when she lived with us last, it was awful and I know she has dementia and god I sound evil. but it's not like she tried talking to me before she lived with us or after she moved out. or even before her dementia kicked in. so it's like, I'm sorry but she's a stranger in a sense and I feel so detached from my family and it makes me so sad when I truly think about it because I feel detached from literally everybody in my life. that is exactly how I feel. and when I'm surrounded by people who I feel detached from mentally, how is that supposed to make me feel? I guess it makes sense why I feel so damn stuck.

this whole situation revolving around my relationship with my grandma also just make me think about my dad and I don't know what to do about that but this stress has been weighing down on me now for almost five years. and I don't have all the time in the world to mentally figure this out which makes me even more stressed out like very intensely. the question is, do I eventually try reaching out to him? do I not? if so, then when? once again, I just feel so detached from him (I mean this is quite obvious because we haven't spoken in god knows how long... definitely longer than a decade.) but it's so hard for me to swallow this uncomfortable feeling to try and reach out to him. I've only opened up to one person about this (questionable and dumb of me but it must have been in a state of vulnerability) and now any rare time I talk with this person, they shove it in my face and say "you should probably reach out to your dad before it's too late," or, "have you called your dad yet? yeah you probably should do that, what are you waiting for?" this fills my body with such disgusting guilt because part of me just wants to keep living in my current oblivion and just say "I guess we'll never know." but god, I get so scared that I'll regret never trying to reach out. and I know that I don't want to live with that regret. it's like I know the answer to what I should do but I'm too fucking scared to do it. it's like I don't want to do it. I really don't. but in a sense, I'd be doing it for my future self because I'm scared for her emotionally. I don't need a father and I really don't want one. I mean, it's been majority of my life that I haven't had one and I'm content with it and used to it. but I have this very very small soft spot for him and god typing all of this is making me realize that I need to go back to therapy.

I think I struggle a lot mentally with the thought of reaching out to my dad because it can only go so many different ways... I'll list those below.

I don't hear back from him/can't seem to contact him.

We talk and it's weird and he hasn't changed.

We talk and we work towards rekindling some sort of relationship

obviously, if I ended up talking to him and it was weird and I feel like I couldn't do it, I'd just feel so guilty. and the thought of what that'd do to me mentally, emotionally, it just scary. it seems like I'd be reopening this wound that I don't need reopened. it's okay the way it is right now and I don't feel the need to rip that back open. but honestly, the scariest option of all three of those scenarios is three. the thought of rekindling something sounds like a good thing right? but the thought of him inevitably leaving again is something I can't fathom. I personally feel like no matter what I decide to do, I'm bound to get hurt and be torn and fall into a very very deep depression eventually so what the fuck do I do? whether him leaving is his own doing or death because let's admit it.. he is getting old (hence why I need to make a damn decision sooner rather than later) ... I'm 100% bound to end up heartbroken. just like I was when I was still a little girl and I didn't know the last time I saw him was really the last. holy fuck do I live with this enormous guilt or enormous, inevitable heartbreak? someone answer that question for me because it's been almost five years and I still struggle to find the answer.

I've went on several different tangents in this.. I wanted to talk to someone but truly have no one right now. but that's what writing is for, right? I just wish I could get advice from someone but the thing is, I know what I need to do. I need to put in work to make a positive change in my life so I can get out of here and move on with my life. and in terms of my family problems, I think I just need to have some grace for others... even though they've fucked up in the past, I know their actions had nothing to do with my personal actions. I mean fuck, I was a child. maybe I need to stop taking everything so personally and stop being so dramatic and emotional. is that dismissive of myself? I don't know. this shit is just hard and it's all weighing down on me so bad mentally. I need help and I need to help myself to do that.

[joylessthoughts]

A part of me wants this to be my good bye letter. The letter everyone reads and tries to dissect as to why I would do such a thing

I want this to be the letter

I’m so lonely and no one understands, I push people away because I’m so deeply afraid of letting someone in. I’m so scared of letting people in. And the older I get the harder it is to make friends who actually care. I’m tired of being alone in my room making shit that brings me no joy.. I’m so tired of nights where I can’t keep my mind off of you… I’m tired of constantly dreaming of being somewhere else. I’m sad and I need help

I get high in my room everyday… I live in the middle of no where with no car… I’m trapped.

And it’s always this “I”, me, me,me…. I’m so tired of me.

I feel sillly so dumb and stupid that I can’t just make myself happy

I want to be happy but I’m not

I just feel so damn dumb

I ran away to LA for 2 months just to end up broke and depressed with nothing to show for it… I am stupid I missed out on a lot of opportunities just because I was hung up on a guy who didn’t even really like me.

Im tired of asking my friends for second chances

I hate admitting that I want more friends, experiences, life to happen…

It’s just not fair… it’s just not fucking fair

When is my brain going to stop linking things back to him? How much more time do I need to have pass to forget this fucking loser? And why now?! Huh? Why alllll of a sudden he’s on my mind? I had a dream about him the other day…. Why won’t my brain just stop?

Why now?

Why…

How do I even get the thoughts to stop?

I feel like I just keep dating losers who don’t like me…

Apart of me wants to give dating a break.. just be done with it for a while. But I still do like sex and having that connection with someone… i don’t even know where to go from here really…

So many parts of me want to get up and just GO! Brysin just seems like too much of a mommas boy for me, he loves being babied a whole lot and I honestly just want a man… why does everything feel so stupid and why am I still so hurt?????

He didn’t like me… that should literally be the end of that. So WHYYYYYYYY?!? Do I feel like shit about it

Why please why

[ethernetmeep]

being given a moral dilemma is one i never enjoy, especially regarding personal matters… its even worse when i have to conflicting sides of self; one which wishes desperately to make things easier & help if given the opportunity and the other which has the overwhelming fear of being more of an issue than i already have been. this lead to a case of my mother unsurprisingly getting angry at me for my inability to make a decision. eventually i caved and said no after her anger boiled into a pit of manic yelling. she then remarked she quote, wasn’t going to tell me, something which irks me incredibly. i hate being in the dark about things, especially important things, its jarring & worrisome & incredibly petrifying to have a fear be proven right and a new paranoia seeming to settle in the pit of ones stomach. she also remarked she was going to do something or other but didn’t as she thought it would make me mad…

this too is an enigma; on one hand it would, because i know my mother and i know she would most certainly be… rude. i think. im afraid she would be, less mad at the action (which is to say not mad at all) and more so mad at what my mother would say. on the other hand, i do believe it would’ve been helpful.. especially with my presence not being there. who knows; i certainly do not. (just an observation.)

i seemed to already give my case about the squid dissection we did today once verbally, but i’ll say it again; it was.. jarring. it was interesting by all means, unique experience, but jarring in the sense the smell was overpowering & how one of the people working with me kept toying with the corpse, impaling it & treating it rather crudely. i always treat anything given to me with the most gentle touch i can, even if its dead or seen as usually gross or even inanimate; seeing someone hold something with genuinely no regard for its past existence and treating it like some plaything is soul crushing. maybe this is from the instinctual thing i do where i anthropomorphize essentially everything, but either way it upsets me deeply. even after the dissection of the squid i was halfway out of it— not at the level of an existential crisis, but instead a few layers below it; agape with shock and unable to process.

i think its just… imagining someone be cruel to something, living or dead, is awful. especially something i care about, and i care about many things; its unnecessary and i don’t see the point. even with those i’d hypothetically hate if i had the capability to, insert my old friend whom had ruined american psycho for me here, yes shes my only example; i have nobody else in mind i see myself hating and yes i have thought about this vividly so i know for a fact im not missing anything, i would never wish to be cruel to them. they deserve nice things, even if they’ve hurt me before.

…which i know is illogical; i realize this. if one gives out something, its only logical they get it back— if they don’t, then what happens?— but its still something i seem to believe. this is also jarring as its blatantly incorrect in how things should logically work, but is still persistent..

as for miscellaneous things, told a girl who i know a story i once told my childhood best friend; i tell him a lot of really unimportant things because he listens to me & am incapable of shutting up. won’t say much about this encounter besides the fact she had broke into a fit of laughter that resulted in tears. another encounter was that of the topic of ai being brought up in chess… reminded me of a short story i want to read. was simultaneously irritating only because the discussion of ai is one which i could go on a complicated tangent about and was not ready to have that conversation with someone who wouldn’t understand on a similar level.

there is.. no real point to this. i got home and started typing on a small device and now its two hours of doing said action. going to spend a considerable amount of time practicing & hoping i won’t lose my footing tomorrow. worst case scenario i run off stage & cry, although best case scenario i recite something very personal to me & make for a decent performance. time will tell.

[zak-shit]

day 1

I already deeply miss how it was in the beginning, when she was so happy to only have me. Only wanted me, did not want anything with anyone else. Knew from the bottom of her heart that she couldn't fathom doing something else with someone else.

I wonder if she knows deep down, i don't like this. that deep down i'm only doing it for her own happiness. that has to be quite clear, because what part of this would make me thrilled? maybe the element of it making her happier, yes. I want her to feel validated and sexy. She just "wants the energy from a hook up" What I also hear in that, is that she wants that more than the energy of us being that way together.

I don't want to be sad, but right now, at this current moment. Today. Music doesn't make me happy, the songs that used to make me feel so whole and loved, are shifted by grief of not having the same dedication we used to have for each other. (in the sexual sense, the romantic way is still there) but I'm now in a relationship for nearly half a year, and the only way I'm getting off is my fucking myself. I'm a broken record with wanting it. I'm scared this could lead me to not even want her the same sexually. Because of resentment of my sexual needs not being as important to her, as hers are to me.

I'm not doing this for this reason, but I think its a true testament to my trust and love for her to allow this. I think it's incredibly selfless.

I put in my list, that what I do require is more kisses and cuddles, and that was yet to happen yesterday. Slight touches, yes. The only kiss from last night, was a peck. Given from me, and it ended up making me feel like trash bc it was "oo a little milky.. and wet, like pretty wet... maybe a little barbecue sauce too" I think why that also bothers me, is because it was one of the only things, not discussed from my list. My asking for her onlyfans was. But not the needing physical affirmation. Its something so little, but if its so little why cant she just throw me a kiss when I get home, before she rolls over for bed. at practically anytime. I don't want to toss them out, because of comments like listed above. That feels like shit.

I need my needs to be met too. Don't get me wrong. I love what we have, I love the security and safety in being loved and having someone for us both to have in all moments. To giggle, for emotional support. I'm putting trust into this still working out. However I'm allowed to have moments during this adjustment period of feeling however I'm feeling. I do plan on shutting it out at times. But I also have to sit with my feelings, dissect them. And go through the pain that they may come with. I don't just want everything to bottle up.

This morning was also not the smoothest wake up, I was of course hopeful we get to wake up to some affection, a nice "goodmorning", like we both like. We woke up a good hour before I needed to leave for work. I woke up a few moments before hand, but before I even knew she was fully awake, she was tearing about the bed looking for her vape. I get that panic and annoyance. I just handle stress differently. I'm soft with it and can be quiet. She's quite the opposite at times. Before I even began to stop stressing myself, because it was found. Two blankets were tossed at me in a playful manor with a smile on her face. Cool she's in a good mood now, but I was not ready to switch that soon. It was no big deal, but it still takes me a moment to get into a good mood. Especially since I was also let down by not getting a nice good-morning kiss which I would very much like. Nope she's already headed outside. So I took time to listen to some music, brush my teeth and face. Brush my hair. Take a deep breath. But she knew something was still wrong when I came outside and asked if everything was okay. "aggressive morning, not how I wanted to wake up" She clarified she wasn't meaning to address it at me, obviously because I didn't do a single thing. But I was still in the room. sleeping in that bed just 5 minutes, maybe less before it was being torn apart. It's just like it's all up to her, and she doesn't think of the love language affection that I need.

I've needed to for a long time, and I've just decided to remove social networks from my phone. If I want to get online, I'll use my laptop. Porn will have to switch to actual sites, I could get into that. Hopefully. Or I can use twitter on my laptop for porn. I'll look for my iPad when I get home. I think taking a step back from that nonsense from my life for a bit will do me good. I love making instagram posts. Like alot, but I cant have a balance of doom scrolling, so it should go for now. I just need to ground myself much more, and I cant get where I need to be when I'm plugged into the endless internet at all times.

Plus, I'd love to go through my camera roll, like trulllly go through it, and start taking more pictures, videos. Making videos again.

[lapaixducorbeau]

Blog Post #6

So the personal history collage was something I finished but I still wanted to talk about it here. It feels important to the general topic that I'm going to be writing about, I mean it's entirely part of the reason I write. For each photo, I added a poetry piece, either mine or from someone that I found incredibly profound or fitting. The pictures each held meaning and I think I wanted to dissect that here, in a way it helps explain why I write the topic I do, and why I do it the way I do. The first picture was an artwork by Vincent Van Gogh; a skeleton smoking a cigarette. Whatever meaning one might attribute from context or without it, it felt to me like it resonated with my feeling of dread; hence the Sylvia Plath quote I tied to it. The next came from my favorite story, Cyberpunk 2077. A story in which individual fights to stay alive despite the ever-increasing odds against their hopeless health condition. The main character, V, never truly falters, they continue to fight for it was better to burn out than to fade away. To that, the story often alludes to For Whom The Bell Tolls, so a quote from it felt fitting. Next came my actual dog, Estrella. The quote assigned to her screaming portrait was one of rage, which felt fitting because of her often grumpy demeanor. But more than anything, the picture encapsulated how rage will exist in every form. The next was the one without any text. It felt fitting as the picture was of the puppies my dog had. Their expression says enough I feel. In the middle, with the words I love you, was my favorite picture of my grandparents. It is joyful and it reminds me how little time we have and how much we must appreciate what is. It helps me connect to what I write both for this class because of the topic also because they are the reason I continue to write despite the discouragement I've received. Next came an altar, the Mexican tributes given during the day of the dead. With it, is a writing I liked from myself; it resonates with the fact that regardless of what happens to an individual, they will always exist, regardless of where they are. The next picture might seem a bit self-centered until you read the poetry. It is of me holding my guitar with my others in the background. Attached to it is an excerpt of a poem I wrote detailing that I will be remembered for my bad decisions. Something I felt really reminds me to continue to try, to never allow the view of another to deter me from pursuing my writing.

The penultimate picture is one of the East Side Gallery, a place I owe my first poetry award to. I won an award based on a poem of this place and a person that I cared about deeply, this is not that picture but another I took. Yet, a response to my previous poem stands. It reminds me that some things will last only a moment but will leave marks forever.

The final picture is a bittersweet one of my mother and her brother. My uncle passed away a long time ago and his passage has largely impacted my life without me knowing it. He was always a wonderful individual, and without him, many bad things happened. Yet, I am comforted in knowing that my mother and grandparents loved him, and he loved them. The final poem refers to the dreams we hold, where we see those we miss for only a moment, but it is comfort nonetheless. I wished to add the collage but I felt some of the pictures were a bit personal, so I apologize for the lack of the visual.

[annecoulmanross]

Top Ten Historical Figures Done Dirty by The Terror (2018)

So, we all know and love Dave Kajganich and Soo Hugh’s beautiful show, right? Of course. But it’s important to set the historical record straight, especially when there are real people’s life-stories and legacies on the line. 

(NOTE: this list is biased heavily toward upper-class individuals because the historical record does a better job preserving those voices for us. Was the real Cornelius Hickey as nasty a person in real life as he was in the show? Almost certainly not – which is why we’re given “E.C.” as a nod to the fact that we shouldn’t assume these characters represent real historical villains, even when the narrative makes them antagonists; HOWEVER, not everyone in the show was given the same courtesy as the OG “Cornelius Hickey.” Which is why this post exists – to show you the best sides of some people you might not otherwise appreciate for their full humanity. That being said, keep in mind the sources used – and, for instance, who has surviving portraits and who doesn’t.)

Thus, below the cut, I give you this list, (mostly) in order from #10 (honorable mention, only somewhat slandered) to #1 (most hideously maligned) – my list of characters from The Terror who deserved better. 

(Please don’t take this too seriously – I know there are reasons why choices had to be made in order to make this show work on television, and I do very much love the end product. But I also genuinely think it’s a good idea to remember the real people behind these characters, and think critically about how we depict them ourselves.) 

Bottom Tier – The Overlooked Men of the Franklin Expedition

#10. Richard Wall – & – John Diggle

We’re combining these two because they had a lot in common, historically speaking! Both were polar veterans, having served as a Cook (Wall) and an AB-then-Quartermaster (Diggle) on HMS Erebus under the command of Sir James Clark Ross in the Antarctic expedition of 1839-1843. Certainly we do get some good scenes with them in the show, but there was plenty more to explore there – for instance, Captain Ross was apparently so taken with Richard Wall that he hired him on as a private cook after the Antarctic expedition. (One imagines that Sir James may have regretted letting his friends of the Franklin expedition steal Wall out from under him.)

(If you want some more information on Diggle, the brilliant @handfuloftime​ found this excellent article on him – fun facts include the detail that Diggle’s only daughter bore the name Mary Ann Erebus Diggle.) 

#9. John Smart Peddie 

Now, I don’t think we should go as far as the Doctor Who Audio Drama adaptation of the Franklin Expedition, which makes Peddie into Francis Crozier’s oldest friend, someone “almost like a brother” to Crozier (no evidence of ANY prior relationship between the two existed, contrary to whatever the Doctor Who Audio Dramas would have you believe!) but Peddie probably earned his place as chief surgeon, however fond we may all be of the beautiful Alex “Macca” MacDonald, who was, in fact, the Assistant Surgeon, historically speaking. It’s hard to find information about Peddie, but someone should go looking! I want to know about this man! 

(If you want to know more about the historical Alexander MacDonald, there’s a short biographical article on him from Arctic that you can read here.)

#8 James Walter Fairholme

The only one of the expedition’s lieutenants who doesn’t really get any characterization in the show, which is a travesty! The historical Fairholme (pronounced “Fairem”) was, as they say, a himbo, and the letters that he wrote home to his father are positively precious. He loved the expedition pets (lots of kisses for Neptune!), and he needed two kayaks because he couldn’t fit into just one with his beefy thighs. Fitzjames loaned him a coat when all the Erebus officers had their portraits taken, and then called him a “smart, agreeable companion, and a well informed man,” and Goodsir singled Fairholme out as “very much interested” in the work of naturalist observations. Just a lovely young man who could have gotten some screen time, you know? 

(Also, as @transblanky​ discovered, four separate members of the Fairholme family gave money to Thomas Blanky’s widow when she was struggling financially in the 1850s, making them, combined, the most generous contributor to her subscription.) 

Middle Tier – Franklin’s Men Who Didn’t Deserve That

#7. William Gibson

Alright, I want to talk about how uniquely horrible the show’s William Gibson is: this is a character willing to lie and accuse his partner of sexual assault that didn’t happen. I get there were extenuating circumstances, but if I were a historical figure who died in some famous disaster and someone depicted me doing something like that? Let’s just say I’m deeply offended on the real Gibson’s behalf. 

What do we know about the historical William Gibson? Not much – but we know a little. Gibson’s younger brother served on an overland exploratory venture across Australia in the 1870s… from which he never returned. (God, the Gibson family had the worst luck?) This description of a conversation that young Alf Gibson had with expedition leader Ernest Giles only days before his death is VERY eerie: 

[Gibson] said, “Oh! I had a brother who died with Franklin at the North Pole, and my father had a deal of trouble to get his pay from government.” He seemed in a very jocular vein this morning, which was not often the case, for he was usually rather sulky, sometimes for days together, and he said, “How is it, that in all these exploring expeditions a lot of people go and die?” 

I said, “I don't know, Gibson, how it is, but there are many dangers in exploring, besides accidents and attacks from the natives, that may at any time cause the death of some of the people engaged in it; but I believe want of judgment, or knowledge, or courage in individuals, often brought about their deaths. Death, however, is a thing that must occur to every one sooner or later.” 

To this he replied, “Well, I shouldn't like to die in this part of the country, anyhow.” In this sentiment I quite agreed with him, and the subject dropped.

(From Giles’s Australia Twice Traversed which you can read here) 

Beyond that, one thing we do know is that William Gibson was probably friends with Henry Peglar – they had served on ships together before, and Gibson may possibly have been the poor fellow found cradling the Peglar Papers, according to researcher Glenn Stein. So we might imagine the historical Gibson as a much kinder man than the show’s depiction of him – this was someone who befriended the clever, playful Peglar we all know and love from the transcriptions of his papers, so full of poetry and linguistic jokes. It’s a shame we didn’t get a chance to meet this real Gibson, who actually knew the Henry Peglar whom we love so well.

#6. Stephen Stanley

Look. There’s that one famous line in James Fitzjames’s letters to the Coninghams about how Stanley went about with his “shirt sleeves tucked up, giving one unpleasant ideas that he would not mind cutting one’s leg off immediately – ‘if not sooner.’” And certainly Harry Goodsir had some mixed opinions of the man, saying was “a would be great man who as I first supposed would not make any effort at work after a time,” and that he “knows nothing whatever about subject & is ignorant enough of all other subjects,” whatever…. that means…. 

But Fitzjames also had some rather nicer things to say about him, that he was “thoroughly good natured and obliging and very attentive to our mess.” Also, the amputation comment? Very likely had a quite positive underlying joke to it – Stanley may not have been much of a naturalist, but he was actually an accomplished anatomist, who won a prize for dissection in 1836, on account of his “bend of the elbow,” which was “a picture of dissection,” according to Henry Lonsdale, who also called Stanley his “facetious friend” and “a fine fellow” (Lonsdale 1870, pg. 159). So, the real Stanley probably was rather droll, but the perpetually cruel Stanley of the show misses some of the real man’s major historical virtues and replaces them with historically unlikely mass-mercy-murder. 

#5. John Irving

Now we’re getting into the territory of characters who did get some good development, but are missing a bit of historical nuance. As I’m sure many of you know, the historical Irving was indeed very religious, but the flashes of anger (i.e. against Manson) we see from Irving in the show don’t seem terribly consistent with the Irving depicted in this memorial volume, where John seems more like a quiet, bookish, mathematically inclined young man, with a self-deprecating sense of humor and a gentle sweetness. It’s really not at all far off from the version of Irving we see with Kooveyook in the show – I just wish we could have seen more of that side of Irving. 

Top Tier – The Triumvirate of Polar Friends

So, these three DO have many good things to recommend them in the show, but because I’ve done such deep research on them, it can be quite jarring to watch certain scenes in which they behave contrary to their historical personalities, and I find myself pausing when watching the show with friends or family to explain that NO, they wouldn’t do that! 

#4. Sir James Clark Ross

First thing – we LOVE Richard Sutton. He did a beautiful job with the material given to him. (This is true of all the actors on the list, frankly, but it’s doubly true here.) But that scene at the Admiralty where Sir James tells Lady Franklin “I have many friends on those ships, as you know,” to shut down her argument for search missions? At that time (aka 1847), historically, Sir James Clark Ross was actively campaigning for search missions, planning routes and volunteering his services in command of any vessel the Admiralty even vaguely contemplated sending out. You could see this real-life desperation in Sir James’s morose attention to his whiskey glass in that scene if you’re really trying, but I think the more historically responsible thing would have been to make vividly clear that James Ross risked life and limb, as soon as he possibly could, to try to rescue Franklin and Crozier and Blanky, men he’d known and cared about and bitterly missed – and, in the case of Crozier, “truly loved.” 

#3. Sir John Franklin

The historical Franklin had plenty of flaws – his contributions to British colonial rule certainly harmed no small number of people, and we should question the way that heroic statues of Franklin are some of the only memorials that serve to honor the lives lost on Franklin’s expeditions – especially considering the steep body count of not only Franklin’s final voyage, but his previous missions in Arctic regions as well. (DM me and I’ll scream at you about counter-monuments! Is this a promise or a threat? Who knows!) With that said, most contemporary accounts agree that Sir John Franklin treated his friends, his family, and those within his social orbit with kindness, and his cruelties were systemic, not personal. In this light, the image of Sir John viciously tearing into Francis Crozier’s vulnerabilities in the show feels very off. Though there was certainly some friction over Crozier’s two proposals to Sophia Cracroft, historically speaking, there’s no evidence at all that Sir John discouraged her from marrying Francis – Sophia may have had many reasons of her own (*clears throat meaningfully in a lesbian sort of way*) for not accepting any of the several marriage proposals offered to her (from Crozier as well as from others), and we ought to keep in mind that she remained unmarried all her life. The notion that the real Sir John would have considered Crozier too low-born or too Irish to be part of the Franklin family isn’t grounded in historical fact.

#2. Lady Jane Franklin

Again disclaimer: the real Lady Franklin left behind a legacy with much to critique. Those who rightfully point out the racism of her treatment of the young indigenous Tasmanian girl Mathinna should be fully heard out. Observations of her own contributions to imperialism are important and valid. Though I tend to see her feud with Dr. John Rae as somewhat understandable – given that Lady Franklin didn’t have the benefit of our hindsight knowing Rae was correct – the levels of prejudice that she enabled and even encouraged in the writing of Charles Dickens when he attempted to discredit Inuit accounts of Franklin’s fate are inarguably deplorable. These things being said, everything noted for Sir John re: Sophia Cracroft goes for Lady Franklin as well – there’s no reason to imagine a scene where Jane would bully Francis Crozier within an inch of his life, seconds after a failed second proposal, when, historically, Lady Franklin felt the situation was so delicate that it required the quiet and compassionate intervention of Sir James Clark Ross, a dearly loved mutual friend to all parties. Tension does not imply aggression; conflict is not abuse. We know this can’t have been an easy experience for the historical Francis Crozier, but the picture is a lot more complicated than what can be shown in one small subplot of a ten-episode television show. Because of this complexity, however, Lady Franklin’s social deftness suffers in the show. (I could also write an entire essay about Jane Franklin’s last shot in the show, at the beginning of Episode 9: The C the C the Open C – TL;DR is that framing is very important, and, at the very last moment, the show reframes Lady Franklin as a mutilated corpse, a speaking mouth without a brain, which is….. a choice.)

And, at number 1, the person done most dirty by The Terror (2018) is….

#1. Charles Frederick “Freddy” Des Voeux 

Look. I’m biased here because I am fed daily information about the historical Freddy Des Voeux from @frederickdesvoeux​ so I’ve become, I think understandably, a bit attached. 

But this is very plainly the clearest cruelty the show does to a historical figure – the historical Des Voeux was a very young man (only around 20 when the ships set sail) known always as “Frederick or Freddy” to his family, and described by all parties as bright and sweet – Fitzjames said that he was “a most unexceptionable, clever, agreeable, light-hearted, obliging young fellow, and a great favourite of Hodgson’s, which is much in his favour besides,” and described him cheerfully helping to catch specimens for Goodsir. Des Voeux is named “dear” by Captain Osborn in Erasmus Henry Brodie’s 1866 poem on the Franklin Expedition (43) and Leo McClintock reported the young man’s well-known “intelligence, gallantry, and zeal” in his 1869 update to his account of the Franklin Expedition’s fate (xlii). None of this is consistent with Des Voeux’s behaviour in the show, especially in the later episodes. 

To reduce Des Voeux to an easily-detested figure, over whose death one might cheer, is not a kindness – the creation of a narrative where his death is satisfying does damage to the memory of a real person, a barely-more-than-teenager who died in the cold of the Arctic and left behind only scraps of a shirt and a spidery signature in the bottom margin of a fragmentary document. 

Television shows may need their villains, but it’s important to remember that real life isn’t like that. Surely the historical Frederick Des Voeux was most likely not a perfect person, and, as an upper class officer contributing to a British imperial project, he does bear some responsibility for the harm done by the Franklin expedition, but it’s not accurate to assume he was any less worthy of sympathy than the other officers who considered him a friend – those men whom we now venerate, like James Fitzjames. So as far as I’m concerned, Freddy Des Voeux deserves at least as much consideration, care, and compassion from us.