#i have been crying daily since end of february.

[sunrise-on-the-shore]

stands in the middle of a desolated battlefield looking down on a grave with my name(s) on it.

heh. mood. oh WAIT—

[mewtwoandme]

Alright imma be real with ya'll...

I haven't been doing great mentally lately. You guys have constantly heard me bitching about my seasonal depression and it getting in the way of my artistic motivation yada yada lol Well, it just keeps refusing to let up. I've been trying to fight it, work through it, hoping that it would go away if I just keep working, when in all honesty that's mentally draining me even more. Now, there have been a few times where the drive to draw would come in spurts and I would finish a few small things here and there and I recently did the new blog banner and all, but as quickly as that motivation appears, it vanishes again. It's been an ongoing cycle since December, I haven't been very productive at all with the more important things and I've barely even touched the Baby Arc since SD hit. And lately this rut has started to bleed into things outside of art and affect my motitivation to do daily responsibilities as well, to the point half the time I feel like a vegetable while house work continues to pile up around me...I'm thinking I may need to do things a bit differently for awhile.

Obviously it's been too difficult to draw right now. My SD had never been this severe before, so there needs to be a change. I can't keep up my usual routine of wake up, go to work, come home, draw, repeat. I need a bit more variety for the time being, maybe making time to do other things that make me happy aside from art will do me some good. That being said though...ugh I hate this, I don't even wanna say it, but the Baby Arc might have to be put off yet again for awhile. I thought about all this last night and was literally crying over it because like, I'm finally here!! We made it to the point of Blu being officially introduced and then seasonal depression decides to come in and fuck up everything I've been trying to do. Like I took a step forward, then three steps back! It just really feels like a kick to my nonexistent balls man...Regardless I think a step back right now is necessary, so hopefully you guys understand, yall usually do anyways ^^

So yeah, I guess here's another art hiatus...don't expect to see anything probably until the end of February, or even March, cause I'm hoping the SD will start to go away by then

[pisceslovrr]

THE EXIT (spencer reid x fem!reader)

warnings: angst, spencer and reader breaking up, no use of y/n, spencer's new gf, no happy ending

an: this is heavily based off the song the exit by conan gray, also this is my first time posting anything like this. the ending was a bit rushed, i imagined season 3-4 reid for this one

February-

you and spencer were out of the honeymoon phase of your relationship, as you were noticing all the little things he does to keep his life in order. you were enjoying his company a lot, you liked having someone around you all the time.

one night he came home with flowers and you were excited to see him after he came back from a long case. you ran up to him and wrapped your arms around him. he didnt hug you back. "i missed you so much, spence!" you say as you pulled away and looked up at him. you noticed he was avoiding your eyes. "spencer whats wrong?" you questioned as you took his chin in your hand.

he said your name in a cold tone. you furrow your brows and you look up at him. he finally looks at you but his eyes are filled with sadness. "whats wrong, are you ok?" you say as you continue looking at him. he gives you the flowers. "can we sit down?" he says looking over at the couch.

you sit down first and he sits on the other end. it wasn't normal for him to not sit right next to you. he doesn't look at you either. "im sorry but.. " he starts and then pauses. you look at him with a worried on your face. he said your name and he continues "i need to end things, or i need to end us" he finally says.

tears well up in your eyes as you look around at the boxes that were from your apartment. "w-what?" you ask. "we need to break up" he says as he also looked at your boxes that were neatly stacked in the corner of the room. you dont say anything, you dont look at him, you just stare blankly at the boxes.

"please say something" he says with tears in his eyes. you dont know what to say, you dont even know what to think. "why?" you finally let out and it feels like you took a little weight off your chest. he looks at you "i like someone else, shes from my hometown and we just click so much" he says as he scoots closer to you.

you open your mouth to talk but words dont come out. he takes your hand, but you immediately pull your hands away and you get up from your spot on the couch. you look away from him "if shes better then go have her" you say as you grab your purse and your keys and you leave him alone in his apartment.

you go back to your apartment and you finally let out all your anger and your tears as you practically slam your things on the counter. you let out a guttural yell as you fall to the floor of your kitchen and you hold your head in your hands. you sit there and cry for a while until you hear your phone rhythmically buzzing on the counter.

you stand up to grab it and you feel dizzy at first but you grab it. you look at the contact. it shows "spencer♡". you look at the heart and you cry harder. "how could something so good end in about an hour" you thought as you watched his name disappear. almost instantly his name pops up again and you answer.

"hello?" he said from the other line. "hello." you respond coldly, not wanting him to know that you have been crying since you entered your home. he says your name "im sorry" he apologized. "are you really though? how could you be sorry for me if you have already found someone to replace what we had" you said as more tears welled up in your eyes. he tries to speak but you cut him off "i thought that we were special, you know? but i guess we werent special enough". you dont let him speak, you just hang up the phone.

you let the tears run down your cheeks as you think about the life changing night you experienced. you try to think about if you could have done anything to change it, but in reality you know that its probably for the best.

November-

you are running late to work but you need to get your daily coffee before you start the day. you walk into the usual coffee shop you go to every morning. you order what you usually order. you do everything as you usually do, but something seems off. you hear the doorbell ring as it would when somebody walks in. you turn around to see who it was.

the color drains from your face as you see spencer and this girl that has her arm linked with his. you immediately look away and try to hide your face. spencer says your name in a questioning tone. you dont turn around for a second but when you finally do he smiles at you. "spencer?" she says looking at him and smiling painfully.

hes opening his mouth, but you cant hear the sound thats coming out. you just stand there and nod. "are you ok? you seem off" you hear him say. "yeah im fine why wouldnt i be?" you ask as if you are not dying inside at this very moment. "you look pale" he says looking at your cheeks. "im just getting over the cold" you say smiling.

you think about how his life looks perfectly fine, he has his new girlfriend on his shoulder, and he seems like hes doing amazing. meanwhile your wounds are still black and bruised. "aw thats too bad, how have you been?" he asks while still smiling and he kisses his new girlfriend on the top of her head. "i have been great! what about you?" you say still smiling painfully. "well i have been doing good!" he says as you notice that their hands are interlocked. "thats good-" you get cut-off by the barista calling your name because your drink was ready.

you grab your drink and you try to hurry out. "well i hope you have a good rest of your day" he waves as youre walking out of the door. you dont pay attention to him, but you walk back to your apartment and suddenly you are taken back 9 months when he broke up with you. you are on your kitchen floor crying as you think about how good they looked together, and how he was happy. "i shouldnt be crying about a happy couple enjoying their day" you think.

you dont see spencer at all after that. you avoid that coffee shop like its the plague. you avoid all the places that you and him used to hang out at. you never drive down his street even though its a quicker way to get to work. you never want to see him or her ever again.

[swannieluv]

⁀➴ My (Not So) Failed Valentine – Ajax x GN! Reader

╰┈─➤ In which after seven years since a failed confession, two childhood friends reunite close to Valentine's Day. Are things going to end well this time, or will the past repeat itself?

✦⸼࣪⸳ 𝐖𝐜: 7K

✦⸼࣪⸳ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆!!: Crying, self-blaming.

✦⸼࣪⸳ A/N: That's my first time writing a fic bigger than 3k and for romance. I tried my best so I hope you guys can enjoy reading it! <3

✦⸼࣪⸳ Comments and Reblogs are highly appreciated! <3

The calendar marked January 14th, 2024. There was only a month away from Valentine's Day, a perfect date for many, a day where you can confess your buried feelings to the one you love, and receive chocolate for free from the people around you; is there anything more romantic than being truthful about your feelings on the day of love?

For [Name], February 14th could also be seen as a cursed day for those who don't share the same feelings as a dear one, and instead of love cards, those people would only receive nothing but pain and sorrow that would create scars that would last years (if described by a rejected teenager). And sadly, they were one of those involved in a case of unrequited love.

But as the years pass by, people also grow older and wiser. At least, that's what they've been telling themselves to excuse their lack of romance. Just the thought of all those red and pink heart decorations and stuffed bears were enough to make them cringe.

Every single Valentine's Day for them was marked with platonic gifts reserved for those who really mattered. There was never once a romantic intention coming from them, which was something they felt very self-conscious of.

It wasn't like they were the “Valentine's Day Scrooge” or anything like that, they held their friends and family dearly. It's just that they never got the appeal for romance that was daily broadcasted on TV, making them question themselves if there was something wrong about the way they saw the concept of love.

[Name] could still recall those moments during childhood where they couldn't help but be kind of ignorant about their friends rant about their crushes and imaginary scenarios. There were even moments in which they faked having crushes on the “popular” boys in middle school, just to convince themselves that they indeed had a thing for someone just like the rest of their peers.

And unfortunately, they could say it was what would lead to a few quarrels caused by their lack of empathy for their friend's love life. But it never made sense for them, like, if you don't like the way your boyfriend treats you – and you've already talked with him about it – then why bother staying with him? Can't you just kick his ass out and move on?

But now, as an adult, they have a better understanding of relationships. Or at least they now knew not to meddle in someone's life choices – though [Name] does agree some of them were dumb as hell and makes them rethink about their own choices.

And with a month away from Valentine's Day, [Name] felt like they could peacefully start their new job at designing cards for the big company she had the luck to join in. Although the amount of stress they go through isn't fully appreciated in the paycheck, it wasn't that bad knowing they now had a stable job for years to come.

The last thing they expected though, when stepping inside the meeting room, was to face their childhood friend – and failed valentine – Ajax, who was now their senior. Were their eyes playing tricks on them or was he really in front of them for the first time in like, seven years?!

They felt the urge to bury themselves inside a hole and not come out until the whole thing was over. But their nervousness surely didn't come unnoticed by him, whose face they saw lightening up slightly at the sight of the familiar face between the multiple people in the room.

They thought that someone working with an ex was the worst that could happen, [Name] had friends that could give them some tips if that was the case. But working with their last, and failed, valentine from high school was absolutely embarrassing to no end.

They tried to keep their cool and work as they should for the next few. It was a stable job, but they shouldn't let it hinder their work performance. But no matter how much they tried, they couldn't dismiss the pair of blue eyes that seemed to follow their every step.

And of course, they were there, 15 days left for Valentine's Day, designing cliche cards once again. [Name] wanted to do something nice, really, but their ideas were mostly not approved since the company had to keep a specific pattern or something like that.

[Name] couldn't agree more that working overtime wasn't really their thing, but sacrifices had to be made if they wanted to get better opportunities in the future. Perhaps one day things would get better, or so they hoped.

Except that [Name]’s worst obstacle was that it was extremely hard to concentrate when alone with him. Why did everyone leave earlier? Why couldn't someone else stay here too to break the growing tension hovering in the air? They felt like they were suffocating just by staying there.

As they finished the last cards for today, their sweaty fingers finally left the pencil. Was it their growing nervousness or the feeling Ajax's gaze was glued at them was actually right?

A few minutes later, they saw him get up from his seat to somewhere else. And just like that, they were going to furtively escape from the scene by the back corridors. No childhood friend to face, no emotional damage from remembering bad moments; just peace.

Or so they thought.

“[Name].”

They looked up to see a tall figure. A mature face, different from the boyish complexion they held so dearly in their memories. His fiery ginger hair and deep blue eyes that made him able to easily find in a crowd were still there, now present in an adult man. What they didn't remember though were the small freckles under his eyes, guess that's the effect time has in one's memories.

Their eyes scanned the name highlighted on his work tag, Tartaglia. He never used his first name around high school because of the jokes that came with it because of the fact it was taken from a hero's story. Seems like this fact hasn't changed.

“Tartaglia…” they read it out loud accidentally, and so their cheeks heated up in embarrassment.

“It's okay to keep the Ajax, I'm only going by my second name at work for now. But don't worry, I'm still the same old me you know,” his tone was playful as they remembered how it used to be, but there was something unnerving about it; a feeling of unfamiliarity they couldn't explain. So even the way they heard his voice was affected by the time? Because that's definitely not how they recalled his playful remarks at all.

“Are you willing to catch up with a nice dinner? I know a good restaurant nearby and— Oh, it's on me though.”

They spent a few seconds looking at him dumbfounded. “Still the same old me you know” their ass; Ajax would never, NEVER, offer to pay someone else's food. They always had to play rock, paper, scissors to get him to buy anything in the school's canteen.

They couldn't help but get nervous when the silence between them was starting to get too uncomfortable for their liking, so their only rational reaction was:

“Of course… so we can... dinner.”

They felt their heart calm down as they watched his grin widen ever so slightly, he was clearly overjoyed on the inside. And as he made his way through, he gave their shoulder a light pat.

“Perfect! See you tomorrow at 7 p.m. then. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about.”

And so they were left standing alone in the white corridor. They didn't know if Ajax, or Childe, had truly gone insane or if he just had forgotten about the whole situation that made their friendship crumble in front of their very eyes.

[Name] went straight to bed as soon as they got home, no dinner or anything else that could have been done. That small interaction with Ajax had been tiring enough for their poor heart. Yet they couldn't help but wonder: how did things go downhill in the first place?

8:50 p.m.

Oh how much they wanted to stand him up, but that would be too cruel and uneducated of them. So they happened to be here, in front of him as they both dined together in a fancy restaurant. They tried to smile, yet the doubt of if he was really the same guy they studied with during their whole life was going to be the end of them. In their eyes, he seemed so much more mature and smarter than them, and they used to be the brains of the duo!

“Is it to your liking?”

They felt as if their thoughts were cut in half with his question; eyes going up to meet his own VA as the two shared a good portion of seafood, though neither of them shared a preference over food.

The more [Name] stared at those deep blue eyes, the more they couldn't help but notice how they had lost a bit of the light they used to hold.

“Yes. It definitely is,” they smiled at him politely before cleaning their mouth with a napkin. “I'm happy you remembered me. It's been… seven years.”

The last part left a bitter taste on their tongue as they fell back into their thinking. They hadn't seen each other in several years and now have to share a work relationship while carrying the memory of a long date friendship. Hell, were they even considered friends after all this time?

One could say the circumstances behind their severance were kind of frivolous.

“Do you really think I would forget my childhood friend that easily ?” Their eyes followed him as Ajax took a sip from his glass before opening a smirk. “A rejection doesn't change the way I see you, not even in the slightest.”

“Oh, I see…”

He chuckled at them for absolutely no reason, which left them thinking if he was laughing at them or something.

“Are you really going to laugh at me now?” They crossed their arms incredulously, their guard fell completely.

“I'm not laughing at you, I swear!” His voice came out laced with a laugh, making him less credible.

“Then what are you talking about, Ed Sheeran jr.—”

That was when [Name] realized they had messed up. It was common in the past for them to call each other names in a lighthearted manner, only for the jokes. But they didn't have the same level of intimacy as before, so it must have come out as rude.

“I'm so sorry…”

“There's nothing to be sorry for. It makes me happy you're being more like yourself, I was finding it strange that you hadn't cursed me yet.”

Their worries subsided as they saw the way his face carried a grin they hadn't seen in years. If anything, it was heartwarming to know he still held the same humorous personality behind his adult manners.

“But to see a sleepyhead like you working overtime… Time's really passed, huh?”

Sleepyhead? He wasn't quite wrong, they had the tendency to sleep on every single break. They did even skip lunch just to take a nap before those boring math classes.

“I actually… I want to buy new stuff for my house, so…”

That was the most idiotic lie they ever told in their whole life, and it made them want to hide under that table and scream.

“You want to buy sanrio merch, right?”

“...Yes. I want that Pochacco backpack so much.”

They felt like punching him when they saw the way he covered his mouth to muffle his laughter, which he was trying his best to suppress in order to not anger [Name].

Their grip on the napkin on top of their lap tightened. Though [Name] had a smile on their face, a few doubts crossed their head like a storm.

“Tell me, Ajax…”

His attention shifted completely to them, eyes focused on theirs as he waited for the next words that would come out of [Name]’s mouth.

“Why don't you resent me?”

“Have you ever done anything wrong in the first place?”

“...”

Their mind went back to February 12th, 2017. Two days before Valentine's Day and the day their friendship's downfall finally reached its breaking point:

“Not gonna lie, you're quite bad at it.”

They pointed to the paper with an exasperated sigh. Ajax's answers were quite dumb, as if he was purposely messing up his homework. But [Name] knew better than to expose his behavior in front of the class.

Ajax and [Name], the childhood friends who would soon become the perfect couple (if they could even be counted as one) in their class. Though they would quickly dismiss any kind of teasing from their classmates, always insisting they were nothing but good friends.

One may find it cute and wholesome when a whole class is determined to set such a pairing together; the chemistry existed and would be explored no matter what. But under all the matchmaking, was the pressure on them to just officialize an union. It was one thing when teenagers shipped a couple; but when adults did, that meant things were serious.

[Name] was tired of hearing jokes on how they would make a great partner to Ajax in the near future. As much as [Name] wanted to dismiss those comments, they couldn't help but give up every time they saw Ajax's embarrassed behavior. Sure, they both would get like that when receiving a comment like that. But the way his eyes softened and his ears reddened at the mention of the two as a couple was… interesting.

For [Name], that genuine smile from ear to ear whenever his mother would compliment them both was something they loved so much about Ajax, they didn't feel it in them to break his heart.

[Name] tried to like him back, they swear they tried to. Yet, those feelings they were supposed to have for him never existed no matter how much they tried. They did everything they could: put his photo as their wallpaper, learn his favorite songs, root for him in his soccer games, send him cute messages before going to sleep, talk about him to their friends in a loving way; they tried absolutely everything a teenager would do when in love. So why couldn't they feel the butterflies in their stomach whenever they saw them?

It felt overwhelming to have all eyes glued to them two, when everything [Name] wanted was to just finish this hell of an assignment. They hoped the teacher's ear would be burning from the amount of curses they mentally sent to him. From the whispers coming from the gossipers seated behind them to the stares of students from another class, it was getting exhaustive.

But the worst part was that he most probably held feelings for them. And the guilt of not being able to correspond those feelings was haunting their nights and leaving them sleepless.

As long as they knew, the two of them have been best friends since 8th grade. That was the main reason as to why they couldn't help but pretend to be oblivious to his recent flirting and small advances, they didn't want to lose a years long friendship.

They couldn't help but spent some time thinking if they were just playing with his feelings. They never said they liked him, but also never did the contrary. And the last straw was definitely when, two days before that year's Valentine's Day, when they overhead the following sentence:

“Haven’t you heard? Ajax's going to confess his feelings for [Name].”

They shook their head, snapping out of those memories and coming back to reality. They weren't in a classroom but having a friendly dinner with Ajax.

“I do think that—”

They were cut short by the waiter's sudden appearance. It happened that Ajax had called for him before they started that small discussion. In the man's work tag, the name Leonardo was highlighted. A cool name—

Wait, they shouldn't be distracted by a random person's name. They had to and would pay for that dinner. It wasn't a matter of wanting, but their pride was in line here. Letting Ajax pay would only add to their pile of regrets about him.

“I'll pay.”

His face instantly filled with confusion as he reached his wallet. “What are you talking about, I thought we had agreed this dinner was on—”

“You’re my senior, so it's only right for me to pay for this amazing food. Thank you for your guidance.”

[Name] smiled at him, their credit card already suffering with the food's price. They were crying on the inside, cursing themselves internally for their own pride. Maybe letting him pay was a better option for their pockets and heart.

And just like that, Ajax would have the dinner he wanted and they would get a high credit card bill at the end of the month.

“What's up?”

“Ah!” They jumped from their chair. What was with Ajax and giving people scares like that?! He really hasn't changed much since school.

[Name] quickly went back to their seat after feeling their coworkers glaring at them curiously. A mental note to take revenge on him was made as they finished typing on the keyboard.

“Please, don't give me a scare like that!” they whispered exasperatedly, a pout on their face.

“Sorry, I just came to check your progress. Let's just say those papers don't fill themselves alone.”

They felt his gaze go to their projects, which were scattered around the desk. The company's mascot, from which he secretly collected plushies of, was stamped in all those cards. Once the Valentine's Day decorations were ready, Easter would be their main focus.

“I liked this one, it has a nice shade of red—”

“It's pink.”

“Oh, right. It's definitely pink… you passed the test.”

They couldn't help but let a chuckle escape from their lips as Ajax's figure stepped out of their sight. And Ajax couldn't help but remember himself of what happened all those years ago and how stupid their severance was.

If there was something Ajax never understood, was why he and [Name] couldn't be treated as normal friends instead of a couple. There wasn't a single person in his life that hasn't ever shipped him and his best friend, to the point he had to hear those kinds of jokes from his own family. But it wasn't that bad, was it? He really liked them, after all.

“I'm so jealous of you, Tartaglia.”

“Hm? May I know why?” He couldn't help himself from raising an eyebrow at one of his peers' comments. Why would they be jealous of someone like him? There wasn't anything that special in his life other than being good at soccer.

“Come on! We all know you already have [Name] as your valentine! I've even heard them talking to their friends about the loveliest things regarding you, they're surely in love.”

Ajax felt his ears burning up after the comment he just heard. The truth was that he kept his crush on [Name] deep inside his heart; and it was starting to get bothersome to hear his friends talking like that once again, since it only added up to his anxiousness. But trying to dismiss people's comments always ended up in more headaches, so he just learned to accept them and play along with it.

He had always been trying to pretend he didn't notice how shy [Name] got after people tried to ship them both, their cheeks getting hot just at the slightest of compliments directed to the two of them was a cute sight. Maybe they did like him too, but he was never confident enough to ask them out. Not until now.

“I was actually thinking about asking them outs” he murmured as he finished changing back to his school uniform and getting rid of the sweaty soccer shirt.

But he should know they heard his words and were ready to spread the news that the couple everyone rooted for was finally becoming reality. And it didn't take much time for it to end up reaching [Name]’s ears.

‘Why am I thinking about it again? It's been seven years. Get a life, Ajax.’

He tried not to roll his eyes at his internal dialogue. The truth was that he didn't keep anything against [Name] anymore, perhaps it was for the better. But he does wish to make up for the time they lost, since they're still his only and best friend, even though they spent seven years without talking to each other.

February 13th, 2017

A few hours for Valentine's Day and their dread for the said confession was eating them alive from the insides. Was it just exaggeration on their part? They hoped not, because they were going insane just from thinking about having to reject Ajax in front of everyone.

There were two choices: reject or accept Ajax's confession, and they couldn't escape from them. Well they could just skip school and not receive any gift, but they had already bought their friend's chocolate and made cards for them.

And skipping wouldn't nullify the chances of it happening later. What if Ajax told them about his feelings another day? If that was the case, [Name] didn't want to stay bound to someone they didn't love. It wasn't fair for either of them.

[Name] opened the notes app and started typing what they would call Operation Val 2017. A plan carefully made with Ajax's best interest at heart, specially crafted just so he wouldn't receive too much of a heartbreak.

First, they would go on giving chocolates to everyone else they planned to. Second, give Ajax his gift; and last of all, they would politely reject his confession and say that their friendship was what mattered the most. It was a good strategy… no?

So [Name] confidently went to school, heart in their throat as they walked through the corridors. The whispering and excitement from the girls were enough to make [Name] even more nervous. They could swear their nerves would be the death of them someday.

They went with the expected routine of giving chocolate to their dear one's. But when it came for Ajax's, the courage to do so simply disappeared.

As they saw him, seated at his usual seat, their hands started to sweat and they felt as if their stomach had just dropped out of sudden. And when he saw them, his smile opened like sunshine after rain.

“Is it for me, sleepyhead?”

It was ,indeed, to him. [Name] placed the small candy box on his palms and gave him a hug, which made the whole class start teasing them. But before they let go, [Name] whispered in his ear:

“I’m sorry.”

Then, they turned back and went to their seat. They hoped it wouldn't be as bad as they supposed it to be.

Now that they think about it, the first half of that day hadn't been that bad. The chocolates they received were good, but ended up being eaten with tears rolling down their cheeks.

“So, can I have the honor to dance with you?”

“Huh…?”

A hand was extended in front of them, an invitation too formal to be coming from Ajax. That was enough to cut short their overthinking.

If there was something [Name] wasn't expecting to hate about the adult world while they were still a student were work parties, a reality when they have a job like that, and it was bothersome having to attend them just to appease their boss and be on their good side. Yet, [Name] was in a situation where they were going to do anything just to keep their stable job with reasonable payment.

That was when [Name] reminded themselves that they were in a work environment; so even if not immersed in those piles of documents and boring tasks, they had to make sure to not taint their reputation by standing still with a grumpy face.

So they silently took his hand and were guided through the saloon. Curious eyes falling on them once again, which started to make [Name] nervous. It was starting to feel too much like prom.

“Are you nervous?”

“Not much.”

They tried to keep their steps carefully calculated. Years have passed since their last shared dance, [Name] was definitely rusty and didn't want to end up messing up in front of him. [Name] was convinced to show Ajax that they were still good at dancing no matter what. Yet, the world wasn't known to help those in need, so…

They accidentally stomped on his feet.

“I-I'm so sorry! I—”

Their face flushed with embarrassment. They felt like shrinking and sinking into the ground, disappearing from his sight forever. But Ajax's only reaction was… laugh?

But what they were greeted with was his heartfelt laughter that caught the others’ attention. It was so genuine that it made [Name] wonder if he was laughing at them or if he was a freaking masochist or something like that. They had just stomped on his feet with their full body weight.

Yet, [Name] couldn't keep a nervous chuckle for themselves. Deep down, they needed a moment like this to clear a bit of their doubts about him. This moment made it clear as day that Ajax hasn't changed in the slightest, and they felt relieved with the clarification.

And so they decided to give in and dance to the slow song coming from the speakers. It felt like a dream, to share something like this with him after almost a decade of guilt from their ruined relationship. They thought that things were now going on the right tracks.

“I deeply apologize for anything I did to you in my past life.” he stated with a nervous smile on his face.

“Hm? Why?”

“... Nothing.”

They had a feeling that his feet were red under those fancy black shoes. The amount of times [Name] stomped his foot was enough for it to leave some bruises, though he did his best to hide the ache he felt. They didn't used to be that bad at dancing in the past, so were they holding a grudge so strong against him and decided to take revenge or something?

They felt their eyes glue to a waiter carrying around a tray with champagne. [Name] could swear they had seen that guy somewhere else, but weren't going to bother him; so they just took a glass of the drink for them and one for Ajax.

“Do you drink?” They extended the glass of champagne to him, who gladly accepted it with a nod of his head.

“I was thinking about… uh… are you free on Wednesday?”

Wednesday? Their mind set up alarms at the thought of it, after all, Wednesday was nothing more than Valentine's Day. Was he really going to ask them out like that? Has he lost his mind?! They thought he would never touch on this subject since their rejection.

“I don't… Yes, I am.”

[Name]’s eyes met his’ with courage in them. They wouldn't run away from it like in High School, they would face Ajax and tell what they truly felt regarding him. And if he didn't like it, so it will be! After all, they don't depend on Ajax to live. [Name]’s an adult.

“Good.”

They watched as he took a sip from his glass before opening his mouth to speak something, but it seems Ajax wasn't ready to say it. Not here, not now. So there was nothing they could do to prevent him from just leaving them there and disappearing through the sea of people.

And that was when Operation Val 2024 officially started.

February 14th, 2024

After weeks of preparations, they finally marked that day on their calendar: the expected Valentine's Day. And while everyone else spent the day of love sharing their emotions and deepest feelings with those they loved, [Name] just took the date as an excuse to sleep until late and binge watch NANA the whole day until the time to go out with Ajax.

Knock, knock.

They got up from their seat, fixing their hair

and clothes before answering the door. They had just a small candy box with a cute card, which they designed themselves, just for him. But what [Name] didn't expect was that he would actually come with a bouquet of daisies, one of their favorite flowers. How could he remember such a small detail about them?

“Happy Valentine's Day, [Name].”

They felt something grow in their chest at his words. He was such a gentleman now, huh? So [Name] just accepted his gesture and walked with him.

“Thank you, I hope you're also having a good day.”

And so they followed him to a park nearby, even though the sky was starting to close. But maybe Ajax was planning to take them somewhere else in case it actually rained, they knew he always had a plan B.

'The flowers hadn't fully bloomed yet, but it makes quite the scenery.'

Ajax took their hand on his with a small smile, though [Name] didn't know where he was taking him to.

"There's a nice lake after the creek, it has a pretty landscape. So I can take some photos for you if you'd like."

Well, here they were, trying to go through a small creak to reach a nice place to make a picnic. Though [Name] didn't want to wet their brand new shoes; they were limited edition, after all.

“Hold my hand tightly and jump.”

“I can't do it—”

“Come on! Jump!”

[Name] took a deep breath before giving the impulse to jump over the creek. Although they made great effort and had, it wasn't enough to keep balance. They both fell in the creek, but at least the food was in a basket he left on the ground earlier.

They felt like crying because of the shoes. The amount of money [Name] had saved to buy it was astronomical, like, really! They had just bought them..Though, Ajax definitely wouldn't let this day be ruined by a small accident like this. So he was quick to help them stand up back on their feet and take them out of there.

As they stared in his eyes, [Name] couldn't help but release the words that were trapped in their throat for a long time now.

“I’m sorry, Ajax. But you know I can't reciprocate your feelings.”

They felt their eyes wet from the tears that were threatening to escape. They told themselves that they wouldn't run away and leave things unresolved like in the past, but why was it so painful for their poor heart?

Ajax felt his smile dropping at their words. He tried to look away from them before listening to their words.

A part of him already knew the answer to his actions, yet there was still a sparkle of hope deep inside his heart. Was he being selfish once again? All he did was to try to compensate them both for that terrible day seven years ago.

“I'm not mad at you. I just wish things didn't happen the way they did… y'know.”

They both seemed to regret their actions from the past, sharing the same feeling of shame and anguish in their hearts as they looked at each other. Both of them had made mistakes and were still reminded about it.

...

For the last step of Operation Val 2017, they made sure to bring him to somewhere the two of them could talk in private. Unbeknownst to them, there were eyes watching their every single action.

“I’m sorry, Ajax. You probably already know this, but I don't hold any romantic feelings towards you. Our relationship is purely platonic and—”

“So it was all just false hope?”

False hope? They definitely never gave him any kind of advance for it to be considered like that. It wasn't like they ever flirted with him or do anything that could lead to that kind of assumption.

Their eyes watched as his ace contorted into a pained expression as he had been hit by the hard reality that their best friend didn't actually hold any kind of emotion towards him, the complete opposite everyone else thought. From what they knew about him during all those years, he definitely disliked the sound of it, the rejection being too real and in front of his eyes.

“False hope? What are you even talking about?” They couldn't help but frown slightly, not liking the turn this conversation was taking.

“You…”

Click.

[Name] heard the clicking sound of a phone from afar, and that alone was enough to made their stomach drop. That meant they have never been alone with Ajax, there has been someone watching them this whole time.

From what they could see behind him, a small crowd of students were peeping through the small window on the classroom's door. And to worsen the situation, they were recording the whole thing.

On the other side, one of their own friends gave them a thumbs up, as if trying to communicate about something. And that was when Ajax noticed it all and felt like the ground below him was crashing down.

“So… you planned all of this?”

They couldn't help the widening of their eyes, it wasn't how things were supposed to end like! In their plan, there wasn't supposed to be anyone by the door, not recording or listening to anything they said.

They could swear they saw tears in his eyes for the first time in their life. His face carried the hurting he felt after being made fun of by the rest of the class.

“So they did end up rejecting him, huh…” they listened to the whispers that came with small chuckles, followed by the sound of a playful smack “Ouch! I'm just stating what happened! Just look at his face.”

From the corner or their eyes, [Name] saw him turning around to leave as he heard it, but grabbed his wrists before he could run away from the not so empty classroom. As they did so, the little heart box he was carrying around fell; small chocolate hearts rolling out of the package straight to the ground.

“Ajax, you know I would never do that! I'm your best friend, after all!” their voices came out in a pleading tone.

“Do I really know that?”

They didn't miss the crack present in his voice, and that's what hurt them the most. It wasn't in the plan for him to feel like that.

So [Name]’s own strength failed as they saw burning tears streaming down his cheeks, which held a complexion of anger and disappointment. The twilight rays helped to create a sentimental demonstration of his feelings that were never seen previously. If not before, [Name] was now sure their friendship wasn't going to rebuild itself again.

They felt his wrists slipping out of their touch in a rushed way as Ajax stormed out of the room, leaving them behind to pick up the candy pieces on the ground. And as they crouched down to gather them, the people at the door bombarded them with multiple questions.

“Did you actually reject him?”

“That was so cruel of you!”

“So you won't be together?”

And like that, their last Valentine's Day ended with the loss of a friendship and the start of years of self-blaming. For almost 6 months, their sleepless nights were spent thinking about what they could have done to avoid this whole disaster.

For the both of them, Ajax and [Name], the next few months before graduation would be always marked by the growing distance between the two. They had tried to talk to each other, but the shame and guilt blackened them from doing so.

Ajax really tried to clear his head before saying anything else he would regreat, the realization of what had happened weighted on him deeply. [Name] was just trying to dismiss his feelings in the best way, and he knew it. Yet, his pride didn't let him reach them.

So whenever his gaze met [Name]’s, they would instantly look away and pretend nothing happened. Ajax really thought that he was the one who deserves a proper apology, when it should have come from both sides.

But he couldn't leave his academic life behind and decided to just focus on his studies and sport. One could say he had got over it and was living without a single regret.

And so as to [Name], they couldn't face him. They really tried to call his number or talk to him after class, but couldn't do it. The picture of his tear-stained face was left in their memories forever and would haunt their nightmares for the following days.

Yet, they knew time wouldn't wait for them and the graduation day would finally come. No amends were going to be made and it was obvious for [Name] that Ajax seemed to be taking it quite better than them, so they just decided to forget it and live their own life after high school.

And to [Name]’s knowledge, that was how Ajax and their lives would follow from now on, or so they thought.

“How can you forgive me so easily, Ajax?”

[Name] couldn't refrain from asking him that. If they were in his shoes, they would definitely hold a grudge against themselves. So why was Ajax so forgiving like that when he was the one who had been most hurt?

“Because I know what our flaws were at that time.”

They felt his fingers lifting his head so as to meet his eyes. Instead of the hurt look that used to appear in their nightmares, there was only affection.

As they tried to find something to answer him, their body was wrapped in a tender embrace, much different from his old bone-crushing hugs.

“I should have left my pride behind and tried talking to you. Yet, I was stubborn and believed you should be the one who owed me a proper apology.

“So when I saw you again, I felt like I had to make up for my past mistakes; but it's not like I'm using you to feel better with myself, not even close to it. I just want to make sure we both don't end up carrying regrets for the rest of our lives…”

[Name] could hold it anymore. Their eyes became waterfalls with the countless tears that fell from them. But they didn't feel embarrassed because of it.

“I-I wanted to talk to you again, I really wanted to but—”

“It's okay, take your time.”

Ajax patted their back as if trying to calm a baby down, and it was helping. He could stay there the whole day waiting for their answer, it didn't matter.

“I’m so sorry…”

They couldn't think of anything reasonable enough to make up for their past actions. But Ajax could see their effort lying behind their crying face, he had been their best friend for years. So even if they couldn't tell it with words, he understood them.

“You don't need to love me, and I don't need to love you too.”

They felt the wind on their face, a soft breeze. And it was when Ajax separated their hug gently, leaving them staring at his face while their eyes burned from all the crying.

“As much as I want to stay as your friend, I don't want us to be haunted by the memories of the past. You'll never see me in the same light again, just like I'll never see you in the same light too.”

[Name] knew it was true. As much as they wanted to stay his friend, the fact that broke their friendship had left a deep scar in their heart. And they would never reciprocate the love he still held for them somewhere under the best friend facade.

It was only safe for the two of them to keep things as cold as possible, even though it hurt them greatly. He was right, after all, they couldn't even look at his face without reliving all the stress.

“For you.”

A small pendant was placed in their palms, a rose pendant. They were confused, really confused, but decided to open it. As they did, [Name] couldn't stop themselves from letting another tea fall after seeing the inside of the small object. A photo of them two in their middle school years adorned it, precious smiles on their faces as their figures hugged each other.

“Happy Valentine's Day, [Name].”

They felt like they needed to thank him in a special way before parting ways. So they approached Ajax and took his hair out of the way to his forehead, planting a peck on it.

“Happy Valentine's Day too, Ajax.”

Now, they wouldn't have to carry that guilt with them. They were free to try to love without the fear of being a hypocrite. It was their first Valentine's Day in seven years, and they wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world.

But as they saw Ajax's silhouette going out of their vision, carrying the picnic basket they didn't use, the feeling of losing something forever came stronger than anything else. Maybe they wouldn't have a friendship like before, but nothing stopped them from being coworkers.

[Name] would see him again at work, so why couldn't they stop the tears that fell from their eyes as the first raindrops met their skin? They felt as if they had lost a big prize in the lottery.

Yet they shouldn't be sad because it ended, but happy that it happened. New beginnings awaited them, just like the daisies in the bouquet warned.

"Goodbye, my now not so failed valentine..."

[mariacallous]

During the first months of the Russian invasion, in one of the frontline villages in the southern Kherson region, I met several firefighters – ordinary Ukrainian men in their 40s or 50s. Their prewar tasks involved putting out fires in the local wood or occasionally buildings.

Since the Russian invasion, they save houses burning from missiles and retrieve their dead neighbours. One of the men began to cry during our conversation. He left embarrassed, but shortly returned. I comforted the firefighters, explaining that even governors and mayors sometimes sob during interviews.

In the following months, I travelled from one frontline town to another. I met doctors, policemen, railway and communal workers, journalists, electricians, civil servants, government officials whose relatives are fighting and dying in the army. They escaped or are still living under Russian occupation, their houses and apartments destroyed. They acknowledged that they were emotional, often angry, horrified, but driven by a sense of duty. In the end this would help them move forward, and even be proud of what they did.

Russia invaded Donbas and Crimea in Ukraine in 2014; the country already knew what the war was. But since 5am on 24 February last year, all citizens have learned how to survive when a foreign army uses its might to destroy the peace. They have discovered how to act during an air-raid warning; how to live and work through blackouts; that they should not walk at night because of curfews. They have learned to forget about planes, as airports are closed, and how to be separated from family. People have adapted to many things, and also learned how to deal with emotions: that tears are nothing to be ashamed of. The initial shock and sadness have transformed into a bigger confidence and determination.

As for today – besides hope in victory, national pride, solidarity and compassion, which you see on the surface – one of the prevailing feelings among Ukrainians is guilt that we are not doing enough. In non-frontline towns and in Kyiv, life has returned to a kind of normal. We are preoccupied with thoughts of those who live under constant shelling or occupation. Those who are not in the army think of those who must fight daily; soldiers who survive think of the fallen. Those who left the country feel guilty about those who stayed.

I recently visited a standup comedy performance in a suburb of Kyiv. Self-depreciation is back following months when society was unable to joke about the war. One of the most popular gags is from a comedian comparing his efforts to those of soldiers and veterans. After Ukraine’s victory, he jokes, he would tell his children he spent the war sitting in an Odesa basement, tweeting that Nato should help by “closing the sky”.

Thousands of crimes have been committed by Russian soldiers on Ukrainian soil. The Ukrainian general prosecutor’s office says it has registered at least 71 000 violations of the customs of war. Since then it has become harder to talk to Russian colleagues. By colleagues I mean not propagandists, but just journalists who oppose the Russian invasion and Putin’s regime.

I still communicate with them, but many exchanges end with excuses about why Russian society can do nothing. They think that those who are against the war have nothing to do with the actions of their state. I do believe guilt is not collective, but shared responsibility exists.

Before Russia’s invasion I reported on totalitarian countries: Iran, Syria, China, Belarus. I understand how dangerous it is to protest in a state that is ready to kill its own citizens. The Ukrainians fought against this in revolutions in 2004 and 2014. In the end we built a government that defends its citizens.

It feels paradoxical that Ukrainians, who defend their homeland and are under attack, feel guilty for not doing more. Meanwhile, Russians who are opposed to war are uncomfortable speaking about personal responsibility, stressing that nothing depends on them. This can be explained not by a lack of empathy or bitterness, but by disempowerment and the detachment of Russian citizens. This is something the Kremlin wants from Russian society. Russians who oppose the war must transform their lack of empowerment into action, and find their strength.

Ukrainians have defended their country for 365 days without a break. They have saved many lives from Russian troops. Our task now is to transform a sense of guilt into a sense of duty. We need to preserve our strength.

[papermint-airplane]

I'm really not doing well guys. Tl;dr my life sucks a lot. That's all you need to know.

My job is still jerking us around on the layoffs. They started in October of last year with "we're selling the department and laying everyone off in February" then when March rolled around and nothing had happened yet, told everyone "lol just kidding the buyer dropped out". So a lot of people quit because this clown company just told everyone it was willing to sell their jobs out from under them and didn't give a shit who was affected or how.

My job is not a job that can function when short staffed. It was already short staffed before they pulled this fakeout layoff shit and now we're lucky to have two people scheduled at any given time. They're paying thousands in overtime, begging people to come in even for a couple of hours on their days off because we don't have enough people to cover one shift, let alone the three they need because the department is 24/7. Customers are rude and entitled. I've been threatened, I've been called horrible names, I've been told I'm a shit human being and don't deserve to live. I'm not allowed to hang up on them. I'm expected to sit there and just take it and not say anything. Most days, we're so busy that I can't take my daily fifteen minute break or even get up to go to the bathroom. And that's only scratching the surface of what goes on at my job.

I have had a history of overworking myself in that job and everyone knows it. I've had literally hundreds of public panic attacks, three full-on mental breakdowns where I was screaming and literally tearing handfuls of my hair out in front of my coworkers from stress, ended up in the hospital twice because I thought I was having a heart attack, and took off three months in 2020 to check myself into an inpatient mental healthcare facility all the way across the country. I have had countless meetings with my supervisors and their supervisors and HR about the toxic work environment and shitty management. I had to beg them to take me off my 8 day rotation (four days of ten hour shifts, four days of eight hour shifts, all in succession with no days off in between) because I started shaking and laughing uncontrollably around day 6 because I was having a literal fucking breakdown. I have literally had to be taken away from work in an ambulance before.

On top of my anxiety being the worst it's ever been (and that includes when I lived with my abusive father), my depression has gotten so bad that all I can do nowadays is work and sleep. Sometimes I don't even get fully in the house before I pass out because I'm so exhausted. I have woken up on my living room floor after work more than once. I told them that I could no longer work shifts like that nor could I take overtime for my own mental health. And they still act like I'm lazy because I don't work 14 hour shifts daily. Bitch, I'm barely holding it together with my weekly 40 hours, and I'm expected to work every Thanksgiving and Christmas but that's just not enough. Nothing I do is enough. And now I don't even have enough energy for the few things I have that I still enjoy. Want to know why my Sims story is on hiatus? Because I have to force myself to do literally anything other than sleep. My house looks like a disgusting hoarder's nest because I can barely move on my days off. I cry all the time. I can't stand to be touched. I shower excessively because I feel filthy when I come home from work in a way I can't adequately articulate. My eczema is so bad that my neck and face are literally covered in bloody red rashes. I look horrible. I feel worse. I have gained over 150 lbs since starting that job in 2006. My thyroid is busted. Some days, I truly believe that I died long ago and this is my own personal Hell.

Now they're telling us that "we definitely have a buyer for the department and all the contracts have been signed". They said there'd be a transition period, after which we'd be laid off but we'd be told when the transition period begins. Now, we got an email telling us we're halfway through the transition period and are probably getting laid off in August "but we don't know when in August, so stay tuned." At this rate, I'm likely to show up one day and be told to go home. I have no idea when that will be and I have no way to know how to prepare.

The only reason I'm still putting up with this bullshit is because...well, to be honest, I've put in a lot of applications and got absolutely no replies. I'm an unemployable useless sack of shit. My company is at least giving us a really good severance package. I'm getting 17 weeks of pay (one week for every year I've worked there) plus another four weeks of pay, plus a $1000 bonus for staying through the transition period. I think I will also qualify for unemployment. I'm trying not to freak out but I don't know what I'm going to do when my severance runs out. I have only had two jobs in my entire life: a grocery store job when I was a teenager for 3 years and this job that I've had for nearly 18 years. My resumé is one page. I have no skills outside of this job. I'm never going to get hired anywhere that's going to pay me anywhere near what this hellhole of a job paid me.

I truly wish I were brave enough to kill myself but I'm not. I keep living and it keeps getting worse and I'm bombarded with hundreds of news articles and Tumblr posts every day telling me how the world is falling apart around me, so even if by some miracle I manage to find a job that pays me enough to fucking live, I don't have a future anyway. I'm almost 40 and I keep waiting for my life to begin but it never does. And it never will. I will never be happy. I will never be safe. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve safety. My own fucking parents hated me from the moment my mom read the lines on her pregnancy test. If my own parents can't love me, nobody can. I'm on medication and in therapy but sometimes, I wonder if it's doing anything at all. You can't fix what's wrong with me. I was just born wrong. And no matter where I go or what kind of job I end up in, the same shit will just keep repeating over and over and over because that's all I deserve. I'll just keep on hurting until global warming or war takes me out and I end up in real Hell.

In an hour, I'm going to regret writing any of this and probably delete this post. Because I'm supposed to take it and not say anything.

My Sims are the only thing that gives me any comfort anymore. Even then, I don't have the energy or attention span to do the things I want. I'm just as irrelevant on Simblr as I am in real life. If I disappeared tomorrow, nobody would notice.

[skoff-the-artist]

Hi :)

Since it's New Year, I wanted to share my story with you. This post is pretty personal to me. Just beware. It's heavy. I will be telling you some important stuff in the end tho :)

TW for everything (I tried to avoid graphic details but my life is graphic, so) but this is a story with a happy ending!

2022 was rough. My English knowledge wouldn't be enough to describe how rough it was. This year started off..not good. I was depressed and tired after a really heavy December of 2021 during which I was preparing for the finals and supporting my grandma while my mom was in the hospital (she was suspected of having cancer but everything ended well).

The only hope I had was for the spring to come and sun to shine and let me enjoy things. I dreamt of green, of blue, of warmth of the future and it was the only thing that got me through January and almost the entirety of February.

Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but I'm Ukrainian. So the happy 2022 spring never happened. I live in the eastern region, 40km from the border with russia. 24.02.2022 I woke up at 5AM from the explosions that have shaken the glass in my windows. My mom told me "Pack up your things, the war has started". Good thing I prepared everything few days before. It wasn't shocking. I just accepted it as the logical continuation of all the shit I've been through.

We moved downtown to grandma's flat from the outskirts where we lived. First night I slept in the cold underground train with many people just like me. Scared. Artillery shelling didn't stop. I moved to live with my friend's family few blocks away from my grandma's flat, where my mom stayed. Our city was getting destroyed. We've seen it, heard it, felt it. The ground shook nonstop. It was terrifying. It was dark at night: light in houses wasn't allowed so the enemy bombers won't see the city from the sky. They saw. We heard bombs fall on us every night. We couldn't sleep, so we slept 1-2 hours between shellings during the day. On the floor, of course, so the glass from the windows won't hurt us if it was to blow up from the blast wave.

We (me and two of my best friends) quickly accepted our deaths, so we made jokes all the time. We were laughing hysterically when the bombers flew over the house bc "what, you have no hobbies? Fly away and dо something, bitch!". When it was artillery, we covered our ears up and sang, laying face down on the floor. I turned the music on my phone up. We hoped that if someone has to die today, it wouldn't be us.

Dozens of civilians died daily. In their own houses, in their beds, under the rubble.

My grandma died of stress on March 1. Our small family became even smaller. I felt numb. Me and my mom fled to another city on March 4. Two of my friends stayed in our hometown and third one fled to Poland.

It was snowing when we left.

And so the spring began.

I can't remember much from that time. In the new city it was.. quiet. Bright at night. Peaceful (almost, as there still were some rocket hits during my half year stay). I didn't feel like I belonged. Kids were laughing on the streets, grocery shops were full with food. And there was I. Alone. It didn't felt like my soul was in pieces, it felt like it was dust.

I read news. Seen horrific photos of familiar buildings turned to some stone and dirt overnight. It was so so painful. It changed me as a person, really. I didn't notice passing of time, just existed from day to day. Tried to keep up with school, did some assignments on autopilot. I didn't even cry.

And I still had to finish school and go to university.

Somewhere around April, when I started to catch up on life again, I got back into Transformers. Now I had plenty of time to watch, read, draw and think so I did just that. And it brought me comfort. During May I finished reading Lost Light, created my first Tumblr blog, graduated in fcking Zoom celebrated my 17th birthday. I allowed myself some hope. As funny as it sounds, Transformers healed me in a way! I heavily associate myself with the characters, who had to go through war, who saw their home getting destroyed but still value morals and their friends. Summer was calm, although my hometown suffered from shellings everyday. When attacks stopped for a bit, I visited my home twice. During my first visit I met my friends and went to school to greet my teachers while my mom collected some stuff from our flat. During my second visit I cried in my own room for the first time in months and nearly died an hour later when our bus got under the shelling but despite this I was happy because it still was MY city, familiar views and familiar people.

Back into our temporary flat in another city, I often went to feed the seagulls on the cost of the river Dnipro. I stargazed at night, looking for constellations. I found peace in those little moments. I also drew A LOT. And loved every second of it. Really helps to get that heaviness of your chest. You helped me, too. Your support of my work surprised me! Many people were interested in my AU, it was unexpected, but quite nice :)

And during the summer I learned how to genuinely smile again. I lacked one thing – my home.

I got accepted into the academy's of arts and design! I found two new friends! In September our troops cleared the area around my city, so the artillery shellings stopped entirely. And closer to the October I MOVED BACK BABY. It was my own choice and I don't regret it. My mom supported me, saying that life can't be put on hold, and if you have to be at home in order to live, then so be it.

I CAN FINALLY REST ON MY OWN BED, SIT IN MY OWN CHAIR, LOOK OUT OF MY WINDOWS (one of which was broken bc our apartment building got hit twice during shellings) AND MEET MY FRIENDS FREQUENTLY. And, what's important, I still can draw. I'm so grateful for this.

Learning process started. I am constantly tired, not of drawing but of the quantity of the assignments I have to finish. My sleep schedule got fucked up really bad. I suffer from PTSD, I'm scared of loud noises, I developed a deep hatred inside of me during this year, my life is one huge reminder of what I have to live through daily, missile strikes never stopped, and because of that we often have no electricity nor water, I wake up from distant explosions at least once a week, war still rages just around the corner.

But.

I'm a fighter, bitch!

And IDC. My city is actively getting rebuilt, shops reopen, public transportation works as good as ever, streets are clean. I still enjoy things, laugh, meet my friends, colour my hair (I'm a redhead rn!), sleep with plushies, listen to music, read comics, think about something new I could draw and post, go outside, cry reading optiratch fanfiction, do my nails and LIVE. Maybe I'm not as happy as I could be but I'm still here, with you. I'm alive.

Transformers grew close to me because there's so much I have to tell you through the characters that I love. I understand them and I feel like they could understand me if they were real. And if you understand them that means you can understand me, too! I value it over anything else.

Before 2023 starts I want you to know. Not everything means to be restored. But if something is to be restored, it will be. Wounds heal. There always will be people who'd understand you and love you for who you are. Bad things will end eventually, even longest wars always ended. Value everything you have, every breath is precious, every quiet night is priceless. Look at the night sky more often. Unite with others, spend time with your family and friends. Keep living!

As you reading this, I'm celebrating New Year with my friends.

Google "Kharkiv", it's a beautiful place.

[maureenforever]

Ringo Starr and Maureen’s Glamorous Honeymoon in Hove in 1965

Rob BakerJuly 7, 2019

By on 

Post Views: 7,354

"How does it feel to be married to a very famous man?" MAUREEN: "Very nice."

Honeymoon Photo Call – Ringo Starr and Maureen Cox – Hove, Sussex

Ringo Starr and Maureen Cox were married on February 11th 1965 at Caxton Hall in Westminster. They had known each other since the Beatles’ Cavern days where at the age of fifteen, Maureen, known to her friends as “Mo”, had become a regular at the club. She once recalled:

On the marriage certificate Starr wrote that his profession was “musician”, while Maureen, who was now eighteen, left her profession blank. She had given up her job as a trainee manicurist/hairdresser at Ashley du Pre in Liverpool after continued threats from jealous Beatles’ fans.

Maureen had found herself pregnant at the end of January 1965 and within a few days Ringo proposed to her while they were at the Ad Lib club a few days later. Because of the pregnancy Brian Epstein arranged a quick wedding and hoped that it could remain a private affair. John Lennon told Maureen that there should be no tears or she “wouldn’t be one of the gang.” Ringo was due in the recording studio at Abbey Road on the 15th February before he then had to fly out to the Bahamas for the filming of Help! a week later, so a quick three-day honeymoon was organised by Epstein at the house of a friend of his in the glamorous location of Hove. The friend – the showbiz lawyer David Jacobs – like Epstein, was Jewish and gay although more flamboyantly so – he often attracted the ire of judges by openly wearing powder and makeup in court.

2 Prince’s Square Hove

Other than Epstein and the Beatles, Jacobs’s clients included Marlene Dietrich, Diana Dors (both on the cover of the Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band LP incidentally), Judy Garland, Zsa Zsa Gabor, the Rolling Stones and even Liberace. It was David Jacobs who planned the American pianist’s libel case with the Daily Mirror’s columnist Cassandra in 1959. The jury were persuaded that Liberace was of unimpeachable moral character and not at all, “a deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, chromium-plated, scent-impregnated, luminous, quivering, giggling, fruit-flavoured, mincing, ice-covered heap of mother love”. Liberace was able to walk out of the court £26,000 richer and famously said that he was “crying all the way to the bank”.

Time to go, love

News that Ringo and Maureen had married soon leaked to the press and the next day the couple awoke to find film crews, photographers and the press camped outside Jacobs’s house at 2 Prince’s Square a stone’s throw from the sea in Hove. Although disappointed with the lack of even a short period of privacy, Ringo and Maureen agreed to a lunchtime interview in the back garden of where they were staying:

Q: “How long have you known each other?”

RINGO: “About two and a half years now.”

Q: “So this means, Maureen, that you knew Ringo before he was right at the top of the tree.”

MAUREEN: “Yes.”

Q: “How does it feel to be married to a very famous man?” MAUREEN: “Very nice.”

Q: “Well, I’m sure you wanted a rather different honeymoon from this. What do you think about all this?”

RINGO: “Well, you know– We took a chance. We tried to keep it quiet and we tried to arrive here quiet, but we must’ve been spotted and that’s the end of it, you know. So from now on, it’s not really a honeymoon, it’s just– we’re just stayin’ here.”

Q: “How do you think the other Beatles reacted?”

RINGO: “Well, John and George were great, you know. They were happy and congratulated us and everything. And they, in fact, went to the wedding.” Q: “When are the rest of you going to get married?”

RINGO: “When are the rest of them? I don’t know. I’ve no idea. As I said before, I don’t think ‘cuz I’m married, next week they’ll all pop up and say, ‘We’re gettin’ married ‘cuz Ringo is,’ you know.”

Q: “What sort of an effect, really, do you think the marriage is going to have on the Beatles’ future?”

RINGO: “On the Beatles as a whole, I don’t think any great effect– as much as that everyone will sort of say, ‘Well, we can’t sorta like them anymore ‘cuz Ringo’s married,’ you know. I don’t think I’ve got that image. I don’t think it’ll bother them too much. It may help, in fact, you know. We don’t know yet. It’s too early to say.”

Q: “Have you decided where you’re going to live?”

RINGO: “Only in the flat I’ve already got in London, up to now. Then we have to move and get a house or something, but it’ll be a while yet.”

Q: “Maureen, what do you think of the flat and the furnishings? Are there any changes you’d like to make?” MAUREEN: “No, it’s great.” RINGO: (jokingly) “It’s a big flat, you know!” (laughs)

Q: “Ringo, where did you propose?”

RINGO: “In a club.”

Q: “Can you tell me which club?”

RINGO: “Yes, if you don’t mind a plug. The Ad Lib club.”

Q: “You mean, you made it up as you went along?”

RINGO: “Oh, ho!! Bad joke!! No, you know– I was sort of thinking about it, and I just sorta said, ‘Will you marry me?’ and she said, ‘Yes… Have another drink!’ (laughs) And we did, and that was it.”

Q: “Congratulations. Thank you both very much.”

RINGO: “Thank you. Alright? Goodbye! …hope not to see you out my window again!” After just three days in Hove, Ringo was driven to Abbey Road studios where the Beatles started to record songs for the new film Help! In six days they recorded five songs for the film, a b-side, two LP tracks and one song called ‘That Means a Lot’, rejected ultimately for Help! but became a minor hit for PJ Proby.

safari-reader://www.youtube.com/embed/lJMbEYuxeGw?feature=player_detailpage

In August 1968 Brian Epstein was found dead by his housekeeper after taking an overdose of Carbital, a popular sleeping pill of the time, at his London home in Belgravia. It was Jacobs who organised everything afterwards, the press, the reading of the will and had even identified the body for the police. Just over a year later David Jacobs also took his own life when he was found by his man-servant dangling from a length of satin from one of the beams of his garage in December 1968.

Recording a verdict of suicide while the balance of his mind was disturbed, the East Sussex Coroner, Dr Angus Sommerville said that there was no doubt that Mr Jacobs had financial problems. “But,” he added, “it is not my business to inquire further into these.” Dr Keith Elliott, pathologist, said that Mr Jacobs had stood on the stool, put his head in a loop of cord and then kicked the stool away. “But,” he continued, “it appeared that the attempted to loosen the loop but could not.”

Brian Epstein in 1966

It wasn’t particularly surprising that David Jacobs ended up in financial difficulty. This was the man that put together one of the worst deals in the history of popular music when, albeit with the permission of Epstein, he signed away the rights to all the Beatles merchandise for a pathetic 10% to a friend from the London party circuit named Nicky Byrne. It is said, however, that there may have been a more sinister reason for the death of Epstein’s friend and lawyer than debt. Shortly before he died, Jacobs had been visited by a cohort of Ronnie Kray. The Krays, at the time, were due to stand trial at the Old Bailey for the murders of George Cornell and Jack “the hat” McVitie and Jacobs was asked if he could legally represent the twins in court. Jacobs refused and immediately asked for police protection. It was refused…

[myemuisemo]

New Year, New Approach

My 2024 thing (which I started in late 2023 because I like to ramp up my NY resolutions in advance) is to do something creative every day. It can be very small -- we are not talking massive projects here! My twin goals for this are:

Treat physical activity and hands-on work as a habit. I have the capacity to safely increase physical activity -- and really should, if I want to retain that capacity!

Build a self-reward system that's biased toward progress and exploration, not toward consumption.

The kinds of activities I'd ordinarily include are:

Gardening beyond the daily basic maintenance walk-around.

Cooking that involves mixing actual ingredients.

Non-paid-work writing, but I need to do 15 minutes of any physical activity before settling in.

Research to support writing projects if and only if it requires physically visiting a library, archive, or other site.

Photo editing that involves learning new techniques or settings.

Physical decluttering, since we're past the point where it's mindless labor.

Working on dolls or dollhouses, including sewing, painting, improving hair, dusting and rearranging.

Watercolor painting, since I have the watercolors and the paper, but haven't followed up on my class.

Hobby skills classes or community meetings (so the monthly gardening lecture counts).

Visiting museums or other edutainment sites.

Photo quests that stretch either more than 20 minutes or more than half a mile of walking.

Making moodboards, finding online inspo, and doing online research "count" for me only if I'm unable to do activities on the main list. Maybe I'm ill, maybe I dropped a heavy pot lid on my foot again, maybe I'm exhausted from non-creative physical activities, maybe I've just done 12 hours of travel and am going to cry if I do anything more taxing than lying still with a cold drink. The key issue here is to prevent days when I go from logging 10 hours staring at a screen for work to logging another 6 hours of staring at a screen for fun.

Paid work counts only if I'm developing a new tool from scratch. Updating existing proprietary spreadsheets doesn't count; discovering five exciting new excel features and three heretofore unlearned concepts in my field, then putting them together to make magic is creative.

Shopping almost never counts, so if we've gone on an antiquing expedition, I need to also take photos or include a museum or some such. Shopping is too easy to fall into doing in our current society, and since I'm not a big buyer of Stuff, we end up either bored and empty-handed or owning a lot of snack food.

The list is biased toward doing over finishing because my personal weakness isn't flitting from hobby to hobby. My sitch is that I have a sedentary yet stressful job, and then by the time I've finished that and kept up with household tasks, I kind of turn to sludge. This is my self-help list, not a self-help guide that is perfectly applicable to all people in all conditions.

A year from now, any branch of creative projects that I've been completely stuck on -- no progress or effort at all after a guilt-laden dab at it around January or February -- leaves. The best thing I did for myself creatively in 2023 was selling the big dollhouse I'd built with Mom and Dad, that I believed I wanted to redecorate but always felt like I was Desecrating Mom's Vision when I tried.

The existing rule of "no more than one non-edible craft project per major holiday" stays in effect. I swear, I am decoupaging the four wooden eggs this Easter or else they get given away to someone who will.

[thatoneelisa]

welcome back, purps.

so. been a while, hasn't it?

this blog... it holds so much. my harry potter fanfic phase (hard fucking cringe), my aftg phase, my mental health, yeah tumblr became the one place this unhinged butterfly could be herself.

so naturally my therapist found out about it. she advised me to write on here, to make it a journal of sorts. so here ya go therapist, ya proud?

but before that, let's rewind.

heavy shit under the cut so don't open if you're not prepped. mental health, the whole nine yards.

purps. i called myself that in the title, and it's only fitting i explain why i did.

back at the end of january, i came back to college at redacted college name in redacted college town name. it took a lot of pain and strife, but i was back. february came and i caught a cold that sounded a lot like covid. so i went and got tested, and posted on a public, 600 person snap story. four months later i was still being, for lack of a better word, bullied. may came and went and they forgot about it thankfully. but the damage was done. i'm called purps by people who can't be bothered to take five minutes and know me.

my name is elisa, by the way.

hi.

anyways, onto less depressing things. this is not meant to be depressing. never mind the awful heat, air quality, mental health, and everything telling me i should not be this far in my life but i should be farther. it's time to heal.

when i chose my brand, purplerainbowbutterflies, i chose it for the three things i am.

purple - ace. hi. i'm ace.

rainbow - to me it symbolizes healing. rainbows always tend to be healing to me.

butterflies - change. i am changing daily, shaped by my past but defined by my future.

and this blog - while i was in a mental hospital they advised me to go back and see how much i've changed since the start. so i did. and god, am i a far cry from the eighteen year old vixen that started this blog. my first moot and irl friend and i are no longer on speaking terms, i've done two more colleges since then, i'm nearing twenty-one. i love myself a lot more. i've adopted a cat. i've gone from misunderstood to understood and accepted. so when people ask me what i do irl, this is it.

my name is elisa, i'm a twenty year old ace lesbian, college student, and soon-to-be small business owner. i am fearless, speaking now, not letting anyone affect me or my reputation, the midnight rain to someone's sunshine. i am loving, kind, caring. i am borderline and anxious and bipolar. i am a proud cat mom, a loud person when it comes to advocating for myself. i am a sister, a daughter, an overcomer. i have survived eight years of emotional abuse at the hands of my narcissistic mother, a pandemic, my rights being stripped away by the day, and a feminine person. my pronouns are she/her, and I fight the norm on the daily.

my name is elisa. and i refuse to be quiet and lay down any longer. i am elisa.

And I am not going away anymore.

[confessionsofayoungguy]

How I (24m) completely, unintentionally traumatized a girl (33f)

I (24m) am very close to this girl named Erika (33f) (we all usually call her “Eri”). We grew up together in the same neighborhood, and she’s always had such a doting personality to me. She’s single, and she insists that she enjoys being single. However, she is so cute and sexy, and I am in love with her.

Erika has always been open about how she is not romantically interested in me (I first asked her out when I was 20 years old). She says that I'm basically her "little bro".

This past February, I unexpectedly lost my dad. When he died, I died too. I’ve developed an awful alcohol addiction as a way to cope with my grief.

Eri has been by my side since day 1 of losing my dad. This past May, in order to give me something fun to do, she took me on a hike. She is an avid athlete and a commissioned officer in the US Navy Reserves, so of course she suggested something physical. Our hike took place on a small mountain near our city. It was just the two of us on this hike.

A few hours before our hike, I got severely drunk. I drove to the mountain drunk as well. When I met Erika at the mountain, she was dressed in nothing but short shorts, and a very, very low-cut spaghetti strap sports bra that left nothing to the imagination. I enjoyed the view, of course, but the first thing I did was ask her why she was almost naked lmao. She just laughed, and told me that it’s “just normal workout clothes”. We live in a very hot and humid state, so despite wearing next-to-nothing, Eri was already sweating so heavily even before we started our hike.

Erika was in a cheerful mood, up until two hours into our hike, when she suddenly got scared. I had a spare hoodie in my backpack, which she knew, so she told me to that she wear it to cover up her skin. She told me “I’m feeling exposed right now”. I told her that I didn’t want her sweat to drench my hoodie, and also I let her know that I “really enjoy the view” (referring to her). She just kept begging for my hoodie, but I just reminded her of her own words: “I want you to have a good time”. So we kept walking up the mountain when Erika started crying. She was crying uncontrollably and hyperventilating, and she was so scared that she just collapsed on to her knees. She kept clutching her chest, and she kept saying “I don’t want to die”. I got down on the ground with her and tried hugging her, but she started screaming and begged me not to kill her (which I found really insulting because I wouldn’t lay a finger on her). Due to my drunken state of mind, I ignored her, and I just hugged her tightly and let her know that she was safe with me.

I kept hugging her, and finally she stopped crying. I knew that that was the end of our hiking trip, so I gave her a ride home (later in the night, I drove Erika’s little brother (25m) to the mountain parking lot to pick up her car). Again, since I was intoxicated, I still refused to let Erika wear my hoodie or put on a shirt during our entire drive.

A few weeks ago, I visited Erika at her apartment. During our entire visit, she seemed utterly terrified. She was shaking and stuttering the whole time. Right before I left, I affectionally patted Eri's head, just to comfort her. She began crying softly and told me "please don't touch me". I instantly stopped patting her and left before she really began the waterworks. This was the last time I've seen Erika in-person. She never responds to my daily messages and texts.

All of this could've been avoided if Erika had just dressed a bit more modestly on our hike.

[neveind]

The First Day

This is the first day I try to do this on this app. But it’s not the first time that I try to do this daily journal thing. I have tried to write a novel, but that didn’t work out so well. I guess I just get distracted and forgot about it. I have several little break downs this afternoon and I’m still feeling sad right now, I want to write something down hoping it will make me feel better. I don’t know if I’ll ever read this again, but I tend to write this sort of thing as pretty self loathing and embarrassing and hard to read (like those kind of instagram post you would delete after. Ps I have a diary in middle school and it’s fucking embarrassing to read and I tried to burn it but it wouldn’t burn), so probably not. Or probably I won’t write on here ever again.

The cause of everything is the failure of the final presentation I guess? After I got several unfriendly comments on the bus from my teammate this semester, I got back home and listened to welcome to my island in bed. It seems like I realized something, and I can’t hold it together anymore. I begin to cry in silence, after that I got up and started to watch Licorice Pizza and eating from a box of cookie. And when the scene of the protagonists first time having dinner together, oh no, it’s the scene where he treated his brother so nice, I realized I have literally nobody in my life, and I began to have a breakdown. I threw the cookie back to the box and I began quivering, the bitterness spread from the throat. I didn’t notice chronic pharyngitis makes my throat hurt when crying. Or it’s just always feels that way. After that I had another two little breakdowns. For dinner I cooked noodle with Pesto and Lachs. It’s kind of addicting because I have been eating this for 4 evenings.



I did a lot of self loathing and self reflection in my head. I am insensitive and unfocused. I am weak. I might be evil. I think I’m a good man, but the evil side never left me. I want genuine connections but I kept pushing everyone in my life away. I don’t know what to talk when I’m in front of strangers. I always think I’m interesting, but I’m actually boring and have nothing to say. I’m only speaking other people’s words. I’m no better than the people that I hate, and i can’t even really admit that deep down.



Am I smart?  Maybe in some things. But I’m literally fucking stupid in everything else. Am I talented? Maybe not enough to make a living out of it.



I hate the way I look. I can’t even look into a mirror or reflective surface in public. I hate where I come from. I don’t like my parents. I hate the things they did to me and I did to them. But in the end I am really my mother’s child. I am just another her in the world with slightly stronger nerves. Maybe it’s a curse, it’s in my bones.



I’m never a happy person. The feeling of isolation and otherness haunted me since I was a child. I remember being carefree as I was maybe 10? But the feeling of sadness and frustration took over me when I’m like 11 and not ever disappeared ever since. When I was a child I used to always think I won’t be able to live past adolescence because I secretly believed that I have a very big disease and it would eventually take my life. But I’m still living today so I guess that’s a win?  Well, but today I have other reasons to believe I might die a much more violent death: I will eventually lose my mind. Or die of self harm or depression. I have that thought less now. But when I do, I just can’t help feeling so so sad for myself.



I have nobody in my life. Or did I really have a life? Everything feels like a blur. I feel like a ghost. I don’t know what to do.



In less than 4 months I will be 24. I remember my mother had me when she was 24. It was 1999, a year before the new century. Was she full of hope? Was the world busy celebrating the new millennium? Do they realize the intrinsic frustration of life itself even back then?



Today is February 7th, 2023. It’s 23:33 now. I think I’m going to bed.

[madelineorionswan]

Valentine's day Challenge 2022

Day 5: Two broken Hearts. (heartbreak)

A/N: To be honest, I've no idea whether you can exactly call this chapter heartbreak. I mean sure it's really sad, like really sad, but they are hopeful to meet each other again and they do that (in the actual storyline). But anyway, I'm starting to think I should just do a genre shift to angst because clearly, I have unwanted expertise at it. Anyways, I'm sorry for the delay for today.

Warnings: The title says it, blood, wizarding war and a lot of angst, mentions of torture, mentions of murder (This is a pretty dark one)

Summary: A war was upon the wizarding world and its safety was at stake. But what was more at stake was the lives of hundreds of people. Madeline who was working as a double agent death eater/Auror was walking on knives. Charlie, on the other hand, was travelling all over Europe to gather more support for the order. While his heart was on the stake, so was Madeline's life.

Valentine's day is one of the most exciting days for students at Hogwarts. But now, it was just like any other day. Dark, cold and lifeless. That's what life had been, for the last couple of months. Was it what life would be like if they failed?

Madeline hadn't slept for goodness knows how long. She just couldn't. Not when she was seeing young children being tortured daily or when she was literally killing her enemies.

She got up from her bed, not at all looking forward to taking her classes. She sat upright on her bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of her, feeling bereft.

She looked at the calendar on her table. 14th February it said. Madeline scoffed. As if it mattered what date it was she thought. Valentine's day was the least of her concerns now. But she couldn't help but think of much better times. Times, where she would be spending a nice evening with Charlie, just being in his arms.

It's been 3 months since she last saw or heard from him. Her position had made it clear, she couldn't contact or see him. No, it would risk his safety and the safety of many others.

Madeline then felt a strong stinging sensation on her arm. She looked at her left forearm. The dark mark stood out on her sickly pale skin. Duty calls, she thought and even if she didn't want to do anything with, she had to.

---

Another day, another start. Charlie lay awake in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. His mind was empty. But the sun had risen hours ago, it was probably midday. He would have to get up soon, for work. Charlie groaned and ran his hands through his hair. He unhurriedly sat up on his bed and sighed.

He looked at the calendar on his bedside table. It was the 14th. Charlie sighed when he saw the golden clock hand, below the calendar. It had Madeline's name etched on the length of it in cursive and a small polaroid picture of her.

Charlie's heart clenched when he remembered the night when Madeline had left before her double-agent duties. And then he remembered the battle of the seven potters, times when he knew nothing about where she had gone, times where he thought she had... died.

Charlie shook his head to rid himself of the memories. She was alive he knew it. Although she was walking on knives. All charlie wanted to do was to hold her, safe in his arms. But he knew he couldn't, all he could do was go on with his work to end this war as soon as possible.

---

"Alright now, tend to your Thestrals and those students who can see them help the others please," Madeline stated and turned her eyes back to the textbook in her hands. She flipped through the pages, while her students tended to the Thestrals.

Just then she heard a loud cry, Madeline snapped back up and she saw a thestral stand back on its hind legs, clearly terrified of something and acting on its defence. And just at arm's length was a second-year who shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Madeline rushed to her students' aid. She scooped up the child and rushed aside just in the nick of time. The thestral let out a loud cry and flew off, possibly back to the forest.

"Are you alright?" Madeline asked the little boy.

The child's bottom lip wobbled and his eyes became teary. He shakily nodded his head, but before he could form a reply, a loud cackle was heard. Madeline looked up to see Amicus Carrow standing near a tree, an evil smirk on his face.

"You really are a softy aren't you Orionswan," he taunted, sauntering over to where she lay crouched beside the student.

Madeline scoffed, and got up, dusting her formal robes.

"And may I know why you're in my class?" Madeline quirked a brow.

"Oh just checking on the Dark Lord's newest follower," Amicus said. He looked down at the child and kicked him in the stomach.

Madeline bit the insides of her cheek, she wanted to bloody slap him and punch this stupid man. But she couldn't.

"If you're so tough, torture this bloody child," amicus whispered in a taunting voice.

Madeline's eyes widened. She couldn't do that but she had to. Shakily took out her wand and pointed it at the frightened child. The class remained deathly silent.

"Come on do it," he taunted, irking Madeline even more.

Madeline took a shaky breath. She took one last look at the kid before casting a spell that replicated the effect of the cruciatis curse but didn't cause much pain. Still, it hurt her to see the kid screaming in agony. Amicus, well he just laughed.

After a good few minutes later, he strode off, like the fool he was. Making sure no one was watching Madeline fell on her knees beside the kid. He flinched the moment Madeline came closer to him.

"Hey it's ok, I won't hurt you I promise," Madeline said softly.

After a convincing enough look from Madeline, he relented and let her look at his injuries. It wasn't bad and she sent the seventh year students to the hospital wing with him after she dismissed the class.

Inside her room, Madeline slammed the door shut. She kept her back on the door and slowly slid down to the floor, curling up into a ball. She wanted to cry but she couldn't. She felt hollow.

Oh, how she desperately needed charlie's warm hugs oh she wanted him to comfort her. She looked outside and saw the sun setting. It reminded her so much about Charlie handsome ginger hair.

But now, she felt helpless. He was on the other side of the continent. Heck, she didn't even know if he was safe. Madeline let out a strangled sob as tears glided down her cheeks.

"Charlie... I-I miss you," She sobbed. Her heart was broken

---

Charlie didn't move, he didn't sleep he didn't talk, all he did was stare at the ceiling all day. Aro nudged his elbow to get his attention. Charlie looked at the dragon, gosh he reminded him so much about Madeline. Everything did.

Aro meekly let out a sound, rubbing his nose on Charlie's elbow. Charlie wanted to smile but he didn't. Just stroked the dragon's scales to provide him with some sort of comfort.

"I know buddy, I know, god I miss her too," He said, sadly.

Charlie felt his heart being ripped out of his chest when his eyes went to a framed picture on the wall. He didn't want to look at it, he knew it was too painful. It was him and Madeline posing after a quidditch math. Her smile was so beautiful and bright. It made him forget about everything. Almost everything.

"I miss you so much Dragostea Mea," Charlie whispered painfully, leaving his heart broken.

[solarwonux]

Sangyeon x f!reader

W.C: 6.2k

Warnings: alcohol consumption, suggestive themes, arguing, mentions of cheating

For the 12 Months I Loved You Collab by: @sunlightwoo

Note: um...better late than never right?? This was supposed to go up in February but things happen. It’s one of my favorite ones that I’ve written, but I feel like I say that for every single thing I write lmao. I hope you like it plsssss let me know your thoughts. Thank you.xx

A long exasperated sigh left your lips at the sight of Sangyeon in the corner of the reception hall, chatting up a pretty redhead. His arm draped around their waist, clutching their body close to his, their faces close enough to smell the expensive champagne lingering in their breaths. A palm was placed on his chest as he leaned down to whisper something in their ear. Earning a flirtatious giggle from them, along with a sultry nod.

Their delicate fingers wrapped around his black tie as they pulled him close to whisper something against his plump lips. It was your cue to look away, but something inside of you—maybe the five flutes of champagne you had indulged in when the night was still young, prevented you from looking away.

Gripping the body of your sixth flute you prepared for what was to come, though when he smirked and unraveled their fingers from his tie, you let out a sigh of relief. Sangyeon still hasn’t broken rule number three of your friends with benefits arrangement.

As common courtesy for the other party, under absolutely no circumstance you are to hook up with other people.

Though when he ran his fingers down the side of their arm teasingly making them shiver at the feather-like feeling. One you had relished in for many nights on end, you knew he would not only be breaking rule number three but rule number four as well.

As common courtesy for the other party, under absolutely no circumstances you are to hook up with other people, especially when the other party is in the same room.

The anger flourished inside of you like an unwelcome weed. And you knew green was definitely not your color, but you couldn’t help but feel the jealousy take over, running along your veins like bitter poison. Your grip on your champagne flute got tighter. So much so that if you were destined with superhuman strength you would’ve shattered it into pieces, especially when his knowing eyes met yours. A glint of something sinister sparking behind them while his fingers laced with those of the red head.

He turned away before giving them a shy whisper and then tugged them gently towards the door of the reception hall. Leaving you behind in the middle of his best friend’s wedding reception, on your sixth flute of champagne, while you broke rule number six.

Don’t catch feelings for the other party involved.

To be fair when you and Sangyeon had agreed to the terms and conditions of your new no strings attached relationship. You were positive, even overly confident that you weren’t going to be the one to fall for your brother's asshole friend.

You had known him for years, grew up with him. He always made it his mission to make your life a living hell. Whether it was purple food coloring in your hair conditioner back in middle school (you had an odd mixture of purple and red that had somehow turned a nasty shade of burgundy in your hair for almost a year as you grew it out enough to cut off the damage,) or calling you ugly while simultaneously including all the the synonyms. He had made your life a living hell, he had been the reason for your tears whenever your insecurities took over. And he had been the reason for your newfound jealousy now as you sat on your couch a week after your brother's wedding still replaying the scene back in your head like a bad old timely movie.

It had started when two of you got drunk on Christmas Eve, laughing boisterously at your nonexistent love life’s.

“Who knew the reason we would be bonding is because we haven’t gotten laid in months.” He said, throwing his head back, gulping the remnants of his beer.

”For your information, I got laid last week. But I’m not bringing my one night stand to meet my family.” You rolled your eyes, bumping your shoulder against his.

He sets the beer bottle to his side, before leaning his elbows on his knees and gazing over at you. “How many people asked you where your date was tonight?”

“Too many.” You sigh, running your finger along the condensation of your own beer bottle. The memories of yours and Sangyeon’s family coming up to you asking you the million dollar question still prevalent in your mind. “You?”

“Not as many as I expected but still a lot. I just wish maybe they can back off.” He leaned back, placing his elbows behind him. He tore his eyes from your form and focused them on the night sky. “Maybe I should’ve hired a date or something.” He comments.

Your family's holiday party was still bustling behind the front door of your childhood home. Yet, the thought of ever going back in, earning judgmental looks from your single aunts was keeping you away.

He was right, maybe you should’ve hired someone as a date for the night.

Sangyeon bumped his knee against yours gently, “Want to date for the holiday’s?” The question came off as a joke, his sweet and gentle laugh following it. But as you sat there contemplating the idea, you realized that it wasn’t as bad. He was practically family. Your parents and his parents had been trying for years to set the two of you up. If you were to show up on New Year’s with your arm looped in his, no one would bat an eyelash. In fact you were willing to bet money that your mom and his would start crying pure tears of joy.

“Why not?” You shrug, “Our parents have been planning our wedding since we were kids, and as much as we don’t like each other. In some twisted sense of the word I do trust you.” Sangyeon did a double take, sitting up straighter and leaning in just enough to be in your line of sight.

“Are you sure?” Concern washed over his features. His bottom lip found its way in between his teeth as he waited for your response. “Like, you want to date me for the holiday’s?” He asked pleading for reassurance. Despite the relationship between the two of you not making sense to anyone outside your friendship circle, the level of trust and respect for each other’s boundaries was evident. You two pushed each other, got under each other’s skin, but you also knew when to stop. Which is why this plan was perfect. Foolproof.

“Yes.”

And somehow the two of you agreed that from then until further notice you would be each other’s dates for every holiday in the near future. Yet, if you had known the outcome of it you wouldn’t have agreed, especially not when the thin threshold had been crossed on your birthday.

He had showed up with a cheap bottle of vodka, all the romantic comedies he could find at the gas station and a boyish smile. His lips were on yours after five shots of the drinking game you had invented and you were naked underneath him after seven.

“I’m just saying, adding sex into the mix wouldn’t be such a bad idea.” He proposed with a shrug during a very awkward hang over filled coffee talk at the rundown cafe the next day. “We can even add some rules so it wouldn’t be so weird.”

“Adding rules is the weird part, Sangyeon.” You rolled your eyes before taking a sip of your herbal green tea and then cringing at the taste. “But they would help...you know to keep things from getting messy.”

“Then it’s settled.” He smiled widely grabbing the kids menu you had ordered from and a red crayon, scribbling down messily in his almost indescifrable handwriting:

Holi-date No Strings Attached Rule Book

Can I come over tonight.xx

Your eyes roll to the back of your head in annoyance, upon reading the text from Sangyeon. Of course, he hadn’t contacted you for over a week and the only time he decides to do so is when he’s in need of a good fuck. You throw your phone down on the table, resting your forehead against it. An annoyed sound falling out of your lips.

“Hello there negative nancy,” Kevin says, slipping into the seat in front of you. “I got you your favorite.” He sings, placing the iced matcha green tea latte in front of you and flicking the top of your head to get your attention.

You whine, lifting your head up a pout evident on your lips as you break the seal of the plastic lid with your paper straw. A poor attempt to reduce the consumption of plastic. Changing the straw wouldn’t do anything for the Earth when your whole cup is made out of non-biodegradable plastic. Maybe it’s the effort and the thought that counts, either way you take a sip from your drink, savoring the taste as it coats your tastebuds. Letting the false promise of a full six hour surge of energy run down your throat.

“Thank you for buying today.” You nod.

“It’s the least I can do for helping me with the web design project.” He smiles an award winning smile before bringing his hot mug of black coffee up to his lips. Hissing from the heat and cringing at the taste. Just like how he couldn't phantom how you liked the vibrant green liquid, you couldn’t understand how he drank five cups of black coffee daily. Indeed, he was not human, you concluded that a couple years ago.

You shrug, wrapping your fingers around the cup, “I had time to spare, but don’t get too comfortable with my help. It’s rare that I finish my work early.” You point an accusatory finger at him, furrowing your eyebrows before breaking into a wide smile.

“Ehh,” Kevin shrugs, “we’ll see about that when you’re begging me to buy you one of those nasty vomit colored drinks in a week.” He finishes sending you a wink that usually has all the girls and guys weak in the knees. You on the other hand have been so accustomed to his flirty ways after years of working side by side that it did nothing to you but annoy you slightly, yet in some odd way it comforted you.

Since day one everything between you and Kevin was comfortable and easy. He sat next to you in your digital marketing class Sophomore year of college and the two of you had been inseparable ever since. For a while you harbored a fat silent crush on him, his flirting being a point of confusion for you back then. It wasn’t until you experienced first hand what dating Kevin would be like that your crush dissipated into nothing but a platonic kind of love.

It was awful, the two of you had only gone on two dates. Two very disastrous and nightmare inducing dates, that sent shivers up both of your spines when just the mere thought of it entered the front lobe of your brains. It was then, while attempting to wash out a red wine stain out of your white dress in his and Jacob’s kitchen that you both agreed to just being friends. Eventually leading up to being coworkers as well.

It was a shame, you could always see yourself possibly loving Kevin and it would be easy too. And as much as you’d like to imagine it sometimes, he wouldn’t be able to give you what you wanted and vice versa.

“How’s the boyfriend, trouble in paradise yet?” He raises his eyebrow at you, hitting your calf lightly with the tip of his dress shoe.

You groan, running a hand through your hair, “Sangyeon is not my boyfriend, we just hang out sometimes.”

You quirks an eyebrow, smirking, “That’s what I said about Jacob and I, and look at us now.” He raises his left hand wiggling his ring ringer, letting the gold band catch the light of the setting sun. “Till death do us apart or something like that.” He shrugs, taking another sip from his coffee.

“Yeah but you two are perfect for each other, Sangyeon and I are like water and oil we don’t mix unless, well...you know.”

“Unless the two of you are fucking? Yes I am aware, the horror of me walking in on the two of you last month still keeps me up at night.” He shudders, pushing his half empty mug away from him. A disgusted look on his face.

“Ugh,” you put your head in your hands in utter despair, “I thought we agreed to forget about that and move on.”

“Fine I won’t bring it up again,” He rolls his eyes and sits back, crossing his arms in front of him. “But I know there’s trouble in paradise, does it have to do with what happened at the reception?”

You stare at him with wide eyes. It wasn’t just the events that took place at the reception. It was everything before the reception, during the reception and after the reception. You swore to yourself and him the morning after the two of you first accidentally slept together that you would never fall for him. But as it turns out, you had fallen for him long before that, a moment lost in time. A moment you couldn’t pinpoint but you just knew that what you felt for him was more than platonic. It sucked.

“Maybe,” you shrug, stirring the contents of your drink with your paper straw, distracting you and avoiding Kevin’s look of concern. “Honestly, I’m not sure. He’s just so frustrating. We agreed to have rules to make this whole fucked up situation less of a mess, but he broke two of those rules that night, purposely. I could tell that he was enjoying it.” You let out a defeated sigh and push your drink out of the way, bringing your arms to rest on top of the table, crossing them and hiding your face in them. You couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion you were feeling, but you just knew it was bad from the way your throat closed up and the tears that were brimming in the corner of your eyes.

Kevin hummed and leaned forward onto the table, ruffling your hair in the process. “And what rule have you broken?” He whispers.

“The one in which I wasn’t supposed to fall for him.” You lift your head, digging your palms into your eyes forcefully. “I didn’t want to, I still don’t want to, but I can’t stop. It’s like he’s casted some kind of love spell on me. Maybe it’s part of his evil plan to destroy me once and for all.” You sigh, grabbing your phone and turning it over. The text sitting there unread, haunting you.

“Don’t answer it.” Kevin covers your screen with his hand. The sadness he held for you is evident behind his soft eyes. “I know you want to but don’t answer it. It’s only going to make you feel worse and frankly I still hate seeing you cry.”

He’s right. Answering him would only make you feel smaller than you already do. You didn’t want to see him, but you longed to have him hold you even if it meant nothing to him. You push Kevin’s hand away, swiping your thumb over the text, hitting reply. You know you should listen to your best friend, but there’s a reason why the two of you would’ve never made it far in a romantic relationship.

You were stubborn and never listened.

8pm, don’t be late. I have to wake up early tomorrow.

Kevin sighs, shaking his head in disappointment, falling back in his chair, scoffing. “Last time, tonight will be the last time and then we break it off.” You say, avoiding his eyes.

“That’s exactly what I said and I ended up having a shotgun wedding.”

Can’t wait, miss you.xx

“My job’s having an event for Valentine’s Day.” Sangyeon broke the silence, his chest still rising rapidly, matching yours. As you came down from your highs.

The second he had walked in through your front door he was pinning you against your poor excuse of a dining room table, without a proper greeting. He barely gave you a second to think before he was peeling your clothes off in a haste and carrying you off to your room.

“And you want me to go with you?” You turn your head to face him. He was laying down on his side, his head resting on his arm, watching you cautiously.

“Mhm,” He puts his arm around your waist and pulls you close. “I need a plus one, I have this annoying coworker that doesn’t leave me alone. I figured if I brought you along they would back off.”

“So I’m not just your date, but also your cockblock?” You tilt your head to the side, raising your eyebrow. “What happens when they find out we aren’t actually dating?” You poke his chest with your index finger. It was smooth and muscular and decorated with the beautiful marks you left behind a few minutes ago.

“They won’t.” He smiled leaving a light kiss against your neck, trailing his lips up and sucking on the spot he knew would have you moaning in seconds. “What do you say?” He bites your earlobe, pulling it before sitting up again.

You sigh and bring your sheets up to your body, sitting up. “I can't, I have plans already.” You lie hugging your knees up to your chest. You wanted to go, pretend once more that you and Sangyeon were more than holiday dates and fuck buddies. But you couldn’t put yourself through that anymore. You were getting used to being by his side, living out a fantasy in your head. When all he wanted was a quick fuck and an easy pass.

“I have a date, Kevin and Jacob’s friend.” You shrug, closing your eyes, mentally apologizing to the couple for dragging them into your problem’s once again. “We’re going out to dinner.” You finish, opening your eyes and looking over at Sangyeon who laid there, messy hair decorating his pillows, stunned. You knew what he was thinking and you were just waiting for him to say it. To get it over with so he’d leave as fast he came in.

He chewed on his bottom lip and then scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Oh, what about rule number seven or whatever.” He quickly got up from your bed, letting the sheets covering his lower half fall down to your carpeted floor.

As common courtesy for the other party, under absolutely no circumstances you are to date other people, until officially calling the deal off.

“Well, I don’t know. I like him. We’ve been talking for a while now and he’s sweet. He likes me.” You shrug, watching as he walks around your room looking for his discarded clothes. “And I haven’t broken the rule, yet. I was hoping we could talk about it and just call this whole thing off once and for all.”

“No but you broke rule number one or something.” He puts on his boxers fast and digs through your scattered clothes on your floor for the rest of his clothes.

You sat there silently watching him, running through your memory files as you recalled the rules and what rule number one consisted of which had nothing to do with what you had done. Or lied about doing.

As common courtesy for the other party, always use protection.

“That’s not what rule number one is, it’s -”

“Whatever, you broke a rule before calling it quits, you were basically cheating on me.” He yells, leaving his white washed jeans unbuttoned as he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. You were floored, witnessing an angry Sangyeon wasn’t rare for you. In fact, growing up you had been the product of many of his angry outbursts while inducing your revenge, but it was never serious. This was different. This felt different. This was serious, he was accusing you of something you didn’t do. He was accusing you of doing the one thing you saw him do at your brother’s wedding reception. It made your blood boil.

“That’s fucking rich coming from you, when you cheated on me first, but I never brought it up because although you fucking did break a rule. We are not together so who am I to get angry at you?” You threw your hands up in the hair, before pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Who are you to get angry with me?”

“And they were a good fucking lay, much better than you in every single aspect.” He spits out, angrily putting on his shirt. His words hurt. He was hitting you where it hurts the most and he wasn’t even aware of it. You held his gaze, refusing to break down in front of him.

“Why not ask them instead, why didn’t you go to them tonight instead of coming here?”

He shrugs, looking around your room, focusing on the polaroid pictures you kept on your mirror. Anything was better than looking at you, and the tears pooling in yours in which he undoubtedly was the cause of. But he was hurt too, you let him come over, you let him in and he had given you everything. Poured out his unwarranted feelings into every kiss he left on your body and every pattern he painted onto your skin with his delicate fingertips, just like he always did whenever the two of you got together. He knew he had broken rule number six a long time ago. Back when the two of you were still in high school, when the rules didn’t exist and his crush on you was nothing compared to what he felt for you now. But he was scared of telling you, and it had gotten him nowhere.

His heart still broke just like he feared, and even worse he had broken yours too.

“Maybe I should, this was a mistake. Being with you in the first place was a mistake and I knew it was going to bite me in the ass one day.”

“Get out, I never want to see you again.”

“With pleasure.” Sangyeon turns around and walks out the door. It wasn’t until you heard your front door slam shut that you finally let yourself cry.

You should’ve listened to Kevin.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Jacob pulls his scarf around his neck. Though, it was February it had snowed last night. The winter clothes that you had slowly started putting away, swiftly made their comeback when you woke up shivering that morning.

You shake your head, stuffing the heart shaped cake you had made for both him and Kevin the day before. Be mine inscribed in sparkly purple store bought icing as per request from Jacob, “It’s Valentine’s Day, you should spend it alone together.” You raise your eyebrows suggestively at the two men in front of you.

Kevin leans forward, one hand on his waist while the other one moves up and flicks your forehead, “get that pretty head of yours out of the gutter, Jacob and I are gonna romantically eat our weight in this beautiful cake you’ve made us, while watching the Bring it On series.”

“I’m trying to get him to realize why the third one is the best.” Jacob says pointedly, bumping his shoulder against his husbands. “Solange Knowles steals the show, but he doesn’t want to admit it.”

Kevin scoffs and turns to face him, “I love you and I love your love for the Knowles family but face it babe the best Bring it On movie is the first one, it sets the precedent for all the other movies.” He finishes painting the picture out with his hands in the air before kissing the others cheek.

You shake your head, silently giving Jacob a knowing look. Of course the third Bring it On was the best one, but you won’t ever say that out loud. At least not with Kevin present, he won’t ever let you live it down. Will go on and on about how both you and Jacob were wrong until he was repeating himself.

“It sounds tempting but I’m going to pass, I have my own date with my couch and heart shaped pizza and -”

“Your vibrator.” Kevin interrupts, raising his eyebrows, smiling smugly at you. The embarrassment taking over your body and rising out of your ears. Jacob rolled his eyes, hitting his husband’s upside the head, and a warning look. Kevin pouted, “What? I’m not wrong, that's what she does every Valentine’s day, I’m just stating the truth.” He complains rubbing the back of his head.

“We’re going to go now.” Jacob places both of his arms on top of Kevin’s shoulders, mouthing a sorry in the process. You brush him off, “the offer still stands, if you get bored you can join us.” He opens the door and pushes his husband through the door frame.

“I’m good, have fun and no Kevin you can’t sleep on my couch after Jacob’s kicked you out again.”

“Wasn’t planning on it, last time, I walked in on you and San -”

Jacob covers his mouth with wide eyes as he continues to push him out of your front door, Kevin shrinks at the realization that he almost slipped. It had been three weeks since you last met him, since he last reached out to you. The only thing you knew of him was that your mom had called you to tell you that he had finally gotten the promotion he had been desiring for almost a year. Doting over him like she always did. It had gotten worse when the two of you showed up hand in hand at New Year’s last year. You were proud of him. You wanted to hug him and celebrate his achievement in every which way you could. But you meant it when you told him that you didn’t want to see him again. You couldn’t trust yourself or your heart when it came to him.

“We love you, call us if you need anything.” Jacob said, sending you a kiss and shutting your front door. You smiled, listening to their bickering out in the hallway, standing there until they were far away and you couldn’t hear them anymore. They were characters, the two of them and even worse when they were together. It was why they were so perfect for one another, they completed one another in every sense of the word and it made you insanely happy, but also sad.

Sometimes you wished, whenever you were alone at night and staring up at your popcorn ceiling that you could have what they had with someone that loved you to the point in which they couldn’t live without you.

It will come, at least that what you told yourself whenever the tears stopped. You just had to be patient.

You were halfway through an episode of the Vampire Diaries, and your fourth slice of pizza when the knocking on your front door sounded. You rolled your eyes, quickly pausing your show and setting down your half eaten pizza slice in the box, before standing up. You obviously weren’t expecting anyone but you figured it was Kevin after getting kicked out again. It was never serious, this game both he and Jacob played. It was some form of twisted foreplay thing they did to keep things interesting. They had explained it to you once when you shared your concern for their relationship. Sometimes you wished you hadn’t asked. You could’ve gone living your life peacefully without knowing the details of their sex life.

“I’m going!” The knocking became more desperate the closer you got to the door, and it confused you. Maybe this wasn’t part of their roleplay fantasies and something had actually happened. It worried you. You could feel it all over your body as you grabbed hold of your doorknob. “Kevin is something wro-” You stopped mid sentence when you swung your door wide open revealing a very drunk and disheveled Sangyeon.

You brought your hand up to your chest, holding onto the necklace his family had given you back in highschool as a graduation present. You never took it off, it brought a sense of comfort whenever you were caught in situations that had your anxiety spiraling out of control. Situations similar to this one.

“What are you doing here?” You step aside to give him room to enter, inviting him in without a shadow of a doubt. You shouldn’t have done that, but the part of you that will always care for him was stronger than the part of you that wanted nothing to do with him.

“We agreed to be together every single holiday season and it’s Valentine’s Day.” He say, his voice slurring slightly at the end, evident that he had consumed more alcohol than what he could handle. “I can’t leave you alone on Valentine’s Day.” He finishes, his voice turning small at the end. He ran a shaking hand through his hair causing it to stand up in different directions as he paced through your living room.

You pressed your hands up to your cheeks, letting the coldness of your palms relieve the heat that had suddenly overtaken your body. “B-But we broke things off, we don’t have to do this anymore.” You drop your hands down and point at him and then at yourself, swallowing the lump that was forming in the back of your throat. “Don’t you have an event at work? What are you doing here?”

Sangyeon looks down, taking his lips in between his teeth, “I didn’t go.” He whispers before raising his head, his eyes welling up with tears as he stuffed his trembling hands into the pocket of his white washed jeans. You swore he didn’t own another pair. “I couldn’t go without you. I-I want to spend Valentine’s Day with you and the rest of upcoming holidays...But I also want to take you out on dates and binge watch shows with you and make love to you and hold you while you sleep. I want to wake up with you in my arms, and kiss you while you’re complaining about morning breath and make you breakfast.” He takes a shuddering deep breath before sitting down on the armrest of your couch, digging his thumb into the palm of his hands. “I just want to be with you forever.” He says, clearing his throat before letting the few tears he had been keeping fall.

“Sangyeon I-” You looked around your living room frantically. Your heart was beating out of your chest. The words that had fallen out of Sanyeon’s lips with ease were the last thing you had expected to ever hear him say. It was everything you had longed to hear him say for almost a year now and you didn’t know how to react. Should you tell him to leave to give you some space to take everything in? Or should you run up to him and kiss with all the love and passion you harbored for him? You were caught at the crossroads. was overwhelming.

Sangyeon scoffed, shaking his head before raising it again, turning his head to focus on your tv, avoiding your eyes. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you don’t feel the same way, I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids and I don’t know when you told me that you were seeing someone. I was so angry at myself for never being able to just confess and hurt that I had been too late.”

The air in your lungs caught itself in the back of your throat. You walked towards him quickly crouching down in front of him, taking his hands in yours. “Sangyeon look at me.” You swallowed, placing two of your fingers underneath his chin and guiding his head to face you, finally locking eyes with you. You felt so weak and full of energy, ready to kiss him until the two of you died from lack of air and you wanted to laugh. “We’re so stupid Sangyeon. This entire time I thought you only wanted me for sex while I slowly fell for you and now you’re telling me that you had the hots for me since we were kids...wow.” You smile, swiping your thumb underneath his eyelids wiping away his falling tears. “I’ve loved for a long time. I don’t know when I started to love you. Just that when I realized it I couldn’t stop.”

“‘I’m sorry.” He hiccups, his fingers wrapping around your wrist. “I’m sorry for what I did at your brother’s reception, but I swear on my grave that nothing happened between us. They were drunk so I called them an uber and walked them to their ride when it arrived.” He confesses, leaning down and circling his arms around your waist, guiding you to stand up.

He rests his forehead against your stomach sighing. “There’s never been anyone else for me other than you. You make me feel so stupid and frustrated sometimes. I know I shouldn’t have said the things I did that night, like you said I had no right to bud into your love life and being angry is no excuse but I was scared of losing you.” He looks up, his bright eyes pleading. “I’m still scared of losing you.”

You sniffle, bringing your hand up to his head, letting your fingers thread through his already messy hair, “I’m sorry too for lying. Clearly I had no plans.” You laugh lightly, pointing around your living room. “I had somehow convinced myself that lying about seeing someone else would be an easier way to end things, but it hurt so much seeing you leave knowing that there was a possibility I would never see you again.”

Sangyeon laughs, his shoulders shaking gently before he leaves a chaste kiss against your clothed stomach. “Honestly, that would be impossible, we’ve been practically married since the minute we entered this world.” He stands up, towering a couple inches over you, “If I hadn’t come tonight our moms would have forced us to talk sooner or later, I just got a little too drunk and beat them to it.” He presses a kiss against your head before pulling you into a tight hug, sighing happily. “I never want to be without you.”

You nod against his chest, “Will you remember this tomorrow?” It was a thought that had been running through your mind since his confession hit you full force knocking the wind out of your body. Though the few times you had a drunk Sangyeon in your presence he remembered every single tiny detail the next day. This was just your fear taking full charge at the thought of him waking up next to you confused, and walking out again.

He hummed, smoothing his hands down your back. “I’ll write everything that happened down and in detail. I’ll even describe the look on your face when I told you that I loved you. Which by the way have I told you that I love you...a lot.” He teased, leaning back and wiggling his brows.

You leave a light kiss on his chin before pulling away, unraveling his arms from your body. “I love you too.” You walked around him and sat on the couch picking up the remote. “Want to join me?” You tilt your head, your thumb hovering over the play button.

Sangyeon pouts slightly, copying your movements and sitting down next to you. “I haven’t asked you to be my official girlfriend yet.”

“Ask me in the morning, I want you to ask me when you’re sober.” You smile, kissing his lips lightly and wrapping your arm around his waist, leaning your head against his chest.

He makes a sound of approval, placing his arm around your shoulder, “Okay but I have another confession before you press play.”

“What is it?” You press your cheek against his chest before looking up at him confused.

“I already watched this episode, Elena and Damon get into a fight.”

“Don’t they always.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to watch it again.”

You shrug and press play, “Unfortunately, you have infiltrated my Valentine’s Day plans so you’re stuck watching.”

“I did it in the name of love.” He groans, shifting and pulling one of your legs over his lap, holding you closer, as the snarky remarks between the two characters start, sounding loudly through the speakers he had helped install when you first moved into your place three years ago. He almost told you he loved you that day, but then you had put an ice cube down his back and his mind instantly started thinking of ways to get his revenge. His confession hiding away again.

But now it was out in the open and finally he could love you the way he knew he could. The way you deserved.

“And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”

[gins-potter]

I’ve seen a lot of blanket statements and accusations and other shit going around regarding the whole Oliver Stark situation on twitter and I just want to throw my two cents in.

The first thing you have to understand is that twitter as a social media platform is not designed the same way as tumblr.  On tumblr your dash is composed completely of content from the people or tags you’ve explicitly consented to follow.  That’s not how a twitter timeline works.  On twitter there’s obviously the tweets, retweets, and likes of people you follow that show up.  But then you can also have content show up from people followed by people you follow, things liked by people followed by people you follow, things replied to by people followed by people you follow.  And then random tweets (even if they haven’t been liked, retweeted or replied to by anyone connected to you or who you follow) can just show up randomly if you’ve shown the vaguest interest in the subject matter.  So you end up with a timeline that’s a mess of tweet from people ranging from those you actively follow to those barely connected to you at all.

I point out this difference between twitter and tumblr as platforms because I’ve seen a lot of accusations that Oliver must have searched up his name/buddie/queerbaiting so it’s his fault for coming across the infamous tweet.  Even if searching himself would put Oliver at fault, it’s not even necessarily the case that that happened.  Because the way twitter’s designed means tweets can cross your timeline for a multitude of different reasons.  It’s not just an either you’re following that person or you specifically sought them out situation.

Secondly, no matter how Oliver came across the tweet, it’s still not okay.  If you haven’t seen it, the tweet in question is a “joke” (heaving emphasis on the quotation marks) about how if Buddie doesn’t go canon in the season finale the fandom should “destroy” Oliver.  This isn’t cute, it isn’t harmless, and it isn’t funny.  In fact it’s deeply indicative of how fandom and twitter fandom in general behaves towards actors in shows they love/engage with.  Everything’s happy and fun and engaging when we’re getting what we want, but as soon as it isn’t, there’s this tendency to turn on the actors/writers/anyone involved in the show and treat them pretty abhorrently to be honest.  And this isn’t even the first time we’ve seen it happen to Oliver!  Hell, he fucking left twitter back in February because the pressure about the show and Buddie was getting to him.

There’s a frankly disturbing trend where members of fandom, and particularly young members of fandom, will say truly despicable things and justify it because “they’re actors”/”they’re older than me”/”it’s just a joke” honestly pick an excuse, they usually have a bunch.  But there is no justification for hoping actors get fired from their jobs, calling them names such as bitch/whore/cunt, and actively tweeting about how you hope they die.  These are all things I’ve seen happen in fandom over the last week alone and all in the name of a fictional television show!  And 911 isn’t the only fandom guilty of this, but with Oliver deactivating it gives us an opportunity to actually think and reflect on how we engage with fandom.

I’m begging people to think about what they’re saying when they tweet or post or just interact with people associated with the show.  I don’t want to sound like a school cyber safety talk BUT THERE ARE REAL PEOPLE BEHIND THESE ACCOUNTS!  I don’t even know what to say beyond just stop for 5 seconds before you post something and think about whether you would be saying these things in a face-to-face setting because I can assure you 9/10 times you wouldn’t.  And just like think about whether you really want to be saying these things in the name of a fictional show or ship.

I know there’s been talks of how it’s an almost 30 year old man vs an 18 year old twitter user and therefore Oliver should have acted differently.  And yeah he should have.  Being 30 (or 29 or however old Oli is) doesn’t mean your feelings magically don’t get hurt by things like this, but it does affect how you respond to them.  Oliver should have dm’d her personally if he had a problem with her tweet, or just not replied at all, or at least been aware that he has a much larger platform which comes with inherent influence.  But he’s human, facing an absolute barrage of harassment on a daily basis.  You can be critical of how he approached this situation and still understand why it went down the way it did.

And however he responded, that still doesn’t excuse the original tweet!  She is an eighteen year old woman, she is legally an adult, a young adult yes, but old enough to have likely been on social media for years and know that words and actions have consequences!  And I’m going to sound so old saying this, but if you aren’t ready to deal with the consequences of the things you say, then you shouldn’t be on social media at all.  Don’t interpret this to mean that she deserves to be bullied (as has been happening since Oliver deactivated) or that I condone that behaviour at all, I don’t.  If we do that we’re no better than the fans who harass Oliver and other actors.  But you don’t get to say horrible things about real people who are just trying to do their job and then cry victim when people have a problem with it.  That’s not how it works.

Finally, I want to finish off by saying, if you’re mainly on tumblr don’t think you’re exempt from engaging with this toxic fandom behaviour.  Yes tumblr fandoms tend to behave differently because it’s rare that we engage directly with actors/writers/other people associated with the show, but in some ways I think that enables us in even worse behaviour because we don’t think it’s going to be seen by people from the show.  Fucked up shit gets said here on the daily and it’s not anymore okay because the actors are unlikely to read it.  It’s just as important that you reflect on your own fandom behaviour.

TLDR: stop saying Oliver sought out the tweet because we don’t know if that’s true, fandom is a toxic place and it needs to change, the tweet wasn’t okay but neither was Oliver’s reaction to it, tumblr isn’t innocent stop acting like it is

[kuroo-shitsurou]

Auxilium (College!Xiao x College!Reader)

TW: mentions blood, depression, anxiety

note: it's my first time writing and posting something on tumblr so im sorry if it's bad!! reader is gn hehe.

Late February was never a good time for Xiao.

It was the second month of the year; People were starting to adjust and adapt to the ever-changing and progressing timeline. Although, he never really understood the concept of the "New year, new me!" shtick. Humans make decisions that eventually shape their personalities. What does a new year have anything to do with that? Does a change in the year automatically make you a good person? Does it make you less of an asshole than you might already be? He never really understood.

He found it rather silly, actually. Whenever a new year rolls around, Xiao would mutter silent curses to himself because he'd write the wrong year on his papers. Other than that, there wasn't any significant changes he made in his daily routine. He was still the same Xiao; The same anxious, mildly depressed, and coffee-high art major Xiao.

Now, Xiao was a respected figure in their college (or at least, that's what he was told). He was one of the most talented artists at Tokyo University, and professors have been eyeing him for a scholarship overseas (he, along with his brooding and mysterious senior, Diluc). His keen eye for details always produce great results as most of his portraits are featured in the university's gallery of students' greatest works. Not to mention, one of his larger canvas works were displayed at the Tokyo Museum, making him one of the youngest artists to have their art showcased there.

Admittedly, Xiao was aware of how people admired his talent. Unfortunately, due to a rough childhood where his parents barely showed him any love and affection, he had trouble reflecting his true emotions onto other people. That's why other art majors often labelled him as a self-absorbed, egotistical prick.

Xiao was the last person you'd want to compliment. It's not that he'd be a dick about it or that he'd scowl at you and act as if he was better than you in every way possible. It wasn't like that at all. It's simply because Xiao doesn't know how to handle compliments. He'll still keep his stoic face, lips pressed in a straight line, but deep inside, he'd be flustered to bits. He'd try to internalize his reply, stitching together the right words to express his gratitude, but it would always take him a few minutes. The person who complimented him would've already left after he finally constructed the sentence in his head. Not that he wasn't used to it

This led to Xiao earning his current reputation, as stated earlier. He was already expecting the rest of his college years to be spent alone in his studio, working on his artworks during the wee hours of the night, high on the fumes of his paint palette and his exhausted coffee machine.

Until you came.

Kaoru was... eccentric. You were loud, you were moody. He felt like you'd be the type of person he'd hate dealing with just because you was unpredictable. You were like the rain, and Xiao hated the rain.

He must have an Archon's cursed tongue, because he got paired up with you during the first semester of their second year in college. You were a familiar name to him, as you were in the same course since the first year, but he barely knew anything about you since you were in different classes.

"Hey, Xiao! I'm _____. I hope we can be good friends by the end of the semester!" His memory of your bright smile still remains vivid in his head. He wasn't really a brooding type like Diluc, but Xiao liked to believed that he presented himself as a silent person who had no intentions of interacting with other people. So, how were you so bubbly around him? Because she was forced to do so? You were to be his partner for the whole semester, after all. Maybe it was all formalities. Yeah, that's probably it.

"Hm." Xiao gave a nod in her direction, acknowledging your existence. you heard from your friends that the young artist didn't have a pleasing personality, but you weren't expecting to be shutdown from the get-go.

"Mind if I sit beside you?"

Again, a light nod.

You felt the awkward tension between you and Xiao, and you hated it. You were a person who hated it when people are uncomfortable in your presence. You didn't want to be a bother, and you did your best to make everyone like you. Not that you were a people pleaser, nor an attention hog, but you just wanted to get along with everyone.

The lecture was going to begin in twenty minutes, so the lecture hall was yet to be filled with people. You took the opportunity to strike up a conversation with the amber eyed man beside you, who was typing away on his laptop. Something about color theory and how it affects the perspective of people on different art types? You couldn't really see that well. He was a fast typer.

"So, Xiao, I heard that your painting was displayed in the Tokyo Museum last year. It must have been an honor. I was at the unveiling last year and I saw it up-close." You started off, testing the waters.

"And what did you think of it?" Xiao cringed internally. He meant to genuinely ask for your feedback regarding his art, but it sounded so harsh that he wanted to punch himself when he saw you wince (or maybe you shuddered because it was cold and you were wearing a sleeveless top? His nerves were getting the better of him at this point).

"Well, a lot of my friends told me that it wasn't anything special,"

Ouch.

"It was a large canvas. I can still remember how it looks. But, maybe that's because I'm at the museum every two weeks," You laughed. You noticed how Xiao's breathing noticeably changed after you started your sentence, and you have to admit that it sounded a bit too mean.

"You know, Xiao. My friends told me that your art was simple. Anyone could have done it. But honestly, they couldn't be more wrong. I love how your piece was painted. Auxilium. I'll never forget what you called it. That's... Help, right?"

At first, Xiao didn't want to listen to this person ramble about an art piece he made during one of the lowest points of his life.

His anti-depressants had run out during that one Christmas. It was 2:47 in the morning. He had morning classes the following day. He had a project to submit, but he was unable to continue working because of the unbearable pain in his chest. His head was throbbing. Voices were invading his mind. Flashbacks of his parents' negligence taunted him. He rushed to grab a glass of water, chugging it down in almost three chugs. He slammed the glass back onto the counter, smashing it into tiny little splinters and cutting himself in the process. His hand was bleeding, there were bits of glass on his counter and on his floor, but he couldn't care less. He was heaving, his breathing was unsteady, he wanted to die right then and there. His vision became blurry, but he rushed back to his studio.

With a bleeding hand, he picked up his brush and began to tear into his canvas. Not literally, but he started to create strokes onto the blank canvas. Different colors, different textures (he swore some of his blood got blended in with the area where he painted the sunrise, but it's fine. No one was going to notice, right?). He screamed and cried, wanting to throw the entire easel out his window.

It was Christmas. He was alone in his apartment. His anti-depressants ran out. He was having a panic attack.

That night led him to having one of the worst breakdowns he could remember, but he also ended up with a gorgeous painting that nabbed him a place in the Tokyo Museum.

"Help," Your voice echoed in his ears, snapping him out of his trance.

"People can tell me that it's nothing more than a simple painting, but the way that the sunrise was only showing in a segmented part of the canvas? The way that there were hints of red? It kind of reminded me how a new day can resemble hope but still contain hurt. Like, the promise of a fresh start isn't guaranteed a good one, right?"

Your words rang in his ears like a gong being hit continuously. He wanted to cry. People always complimented him and congratulated him about being recognized by art critics and national museums, but none of them ever really stopped to talk to him about his art. They were there for his recognition- not his work.

"I mean, you could begin with a fresh start, but wouldn't the remnants of yesterday still take a toll on your tomorrow?"

"Hm. Interesting take. To be honest, those specks could have been my blood." Xiao spoke up, to your surprise. A small smile formed on your face. Maybe this guy wasn't so bad after all.

"My hand was cut up when I was painting that," He added quietly, not mentioning why his hand was in that state. "I think I accidentally added too much concentrated red. I couldn't blend it out the way I originally planned."

"Oh? But that makes it all the more great, though!" You beamed, "Maybe it was an Archon guiding you? I don't really believe in that stuff, but acknowledging some divine intervention once in a while can't be all bad, no?" You laughed.

"I guess you're right." For the first time in a while, Xiao actually gave someone else a small smile. It wasn't really a smile per se, but his lips curved even the slightest bit upward, and you decided that it was a win for you.

-

Fast forward to the second semester of their third year.

Late February was never a good time for Xiao.

It was the second month of the year; People were starting to adjust and adapt to the ever-changing and progressing timeline. Although, he never really understood the concept of the "New year, new me!" shtick.

It had been years since he was clinically-diagnosed with mild depression. So, why was he still that way? Shouldn't new years help him be a better person? Or something like that. Why was he still like this?

Late February meant the end of one semester, and the start of another.

What else did that mean?

His semestral feedback report (he refused to call it a report card. What was he, high school?).

"Xiao? Are you here? I bought almond tofu from Xiangling's place. Sorry for barging in, you weren't answering my calls." He heard your voice from the kitchen and he glanced at the clock on his studio's wall.

1:37 AM.

You were at Xiangling's place because you were working on a report about the history of acrylic paints or whatever it was. You were supposed to go home, but you still dropped by his apartment. He checked his phone.

[ 14 missed calls. ]

Yikes.

"I'm here." He answered meekly, but loud enough for you to hear. He felt tired. Defeated, maybe. He was blankly staring at the canvas in front of him. He has sketched the base of your face and upper body. He was planning on painting a portrait of his beloved to decorate his room with, but he couldn't find the energy to continue.

He could hear the soft "thud"s of your feet walking from the kitchen towards the studio, but he tuned it out with an annoying static he could only hear in his head.

Fuck. Where are they?

He rushed to the drawer next to his easels and rummaged around in a panic.

Where the fuck are they?

He kept a few anti-depressants in his studio because he spends most of his time here and he didn't have time to rush to the kitchen to get them if he ever got a panic attack.

"Fuck!" He cursed loudly, throwing the contents of his desk onto the floor. Some of his paintbrushes scattered on the wooden floor of his studio, marking the wood various colors. Maybe they're going to stain, but he didn't really care.

Xiao heard the footsteps retreating until he couldn't hear anything else except the constant ringing in his ears. It was annoying. It was loud. It started to make him want to split his head open.

"_____," He whispered, feeling his chest hurt and his throat tighten. The passageways helping him breathe seemed to close themselves, giving him a hard time and mocking him. It was coming back again.

Tears started to flood his vision, and they rolled down his red cheeks. He took the ponytail out of his hair and used two hands to tug at his locks starting from the roots. His breathing patterns became more erratic, but he tried his best to stay calm.

His knees and legs felt like jelly. He had to lean against the desk to avoid from toppling over.

Why? Why again? Why now? Why when you were here?

He screamed. It was loud enough for the neighbors to hear, but his care for any external entities was out the window the moment his eyes became blurry with tears.

Even though he was leaning against the desk, his legs still couldn't hold the weight of his entire body. His knees dropped to the floor, and he swore he must've dented the wood below, but he paid no mind to it. His knees were also aching, but he could deal with that later. He bent down and pressed his forehead to the floor.

"_____," He whispered again, longing for his partner. "Auxilium."

"Xiao?" The voice was muffled. His eyes were glued to the floor in front of him, but he knew it was you.

"Xiao, stay with me, honey." There was a hint of panic evident in your voice, but he was glad that you didn't let that get the best of you. You was still somewhat calm.

You kneeled down beside him, helping him back to an upright position.

"Honey, you left these on the counter outside." You handed him two tablets of his anti-depressants, and he gladly placed them in his mouth. You also gave him a glass of water, and he downed it in two swift gulps. Afraid that he might underestimate his strength, he returned the glass back to you instead of setting it down himself, nodding at you in the process.

You got into a more comfortable position where you rested your back against the wall, and you guided Xiao to follow you. It was a difficult task; He was very sensitive during his panic attacks.

His semestral feedback reports always made him anxious. He didn't have to please his parents anymore since he moved out years ago, but Xiao had this nagging feeling inside of him to do better with his academics. Nobody was really pressuring him to be a straight-A student, but did he feel like he needed to be? Who was he trying to prove himself to anyway? You knew about his sever panic attacks and how they were more active if he had a big event coming up. The first time you had to deal with it, you were still stiff and trying to learn how you could help. Now, you takes pride in yourself for being able to handle him in the ways you know would help him the most.

"Here you go, I've got you." You cooed, assisting him with moving. You laid his head flat on her lap and she began stroking his beautiful, tousled forest green locks. The highlights he had under the first layer of his hair started to fade, and you made a mental note to take him to a salon so they could get their highlights redone.

"You know, I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay lately," You started speaking, as if Xiao wasn't about to have a full-on panic attack. "Yellow would have to be one of my favorite songs. I guess it's kinda cheesy, but can you blame me?"

You used your free hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks.

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you." You began singing, voice just above a whisper.

"And everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow."

Xiao was a reserved person who had a hard time dealing with other people because of his inferiority complex that sprouted when he was young.

"I came along, I wrote a song for you."

He didn't have love and affection growing up. He didn't know how to be the best person to talk to. He had poor communication skills. He was a mess, to be honest.

"And all the things you do. And it was called yellow."

You were the first person who looked past his rough and tough exterior. You were the person who showed interest not just in his name- but in him as a whole.

"So when I took my turn, what a thing to've done."

"Thank you," He murmured silently, noticing that the ringing in his ears vanished. His throat was beginning to open again, and he could finally feel the steady heartbeat he had in his chest.

"And it was all yellow."

Xiao curled himself into a ball, burying his face in your clothed stomach. You smelled a bit like smoke (maybe you ate yakiniku at Xiangling's?) and your faded cologne. It smelled like home. It washed a sense of relief over his entire being. He felt safe. He felt secure. He was being held like a child, but he didn't really mind. Maybe he needed this.

"Your skin. Oh yeah, your skin and bones,"

You craned your neck downwards to look at Xiao's figure. He finally looked peaceful. You knew about his rough past. You knew about the trauma he had to go through, but you chose to look past it because you knew that he was just afraid and... alone. He needed someone to be there for him, and you would rather the world die than leave him alone ever again.

"Turn into something beautiful."

You noticed how his chest started a rhythmic pattern of ups and downs. His breathing was finally steady. He looked at peace. He looked like he was right at home.

"Do you know? You know I love you so."

You couldn't help but chuckle as you watched him sleep in your lap. How could anyone think that this softie was an asshole?

"You know I love you so."

You barely whispered the last part of the song, but it was loud enough for his heart to hear it. Xiao hated when things were unpredictable; that's why he hated the rain. But now, maybe the idea of rain wasn't so bad. Especially since you were his rain.

"I love you, Xiao."

At that moment, you knew that the involuntary smile on Xiao's face was a response that contained more emotions than his words could ever bear.

"I love you too."