#i have also had NO appetite which im sure is not good for the general sickness however im also rlly nauseous all the time so. cant risk it

[nessvn]

im still super sick and like pretty much the whole family is but we're going to interlaken tmrw and there's hiking on the agenda so. mind over matter. i refuse to be sick in the fucking alps i have things to do places to see.

[mysouleaten]

goodie love

kisaki x fem!reader

summary ... kisaki's great a delivering goodies to his girlfriend but... kisaki is awkward at cuddling..

warnings ... fluff, talking of period, period cramps, kisaki is trying his best, awkward boyfriend kisaki lol, lots and lots of fluff

an ... i knowww @amidalaspo you wanted me to try to lengthen up the one-shots a bit soo I tried, but I don't think I succeeded.. 😭 and I always wanted to write about this trope but never had the motivation lol

kisaki was coming back to his girlfriend's house bags filled with very unhealthy snacks that you have been craving..

it's day two of your menstrual cycle, the worst and best part in his opinion

the worst part was you being in lots of pain because of the cramps and having sometimes a loss of appetite.. but thankfully taking pills for the cramps brings your appetite back up--that's why he was buying you filling snacks--

and the best part of day two of your period week was that you always had your attention on him asking him dumb little questions and practically lazying around him

in general, you just wanted him to be by you for the ..first three-four days of your period

which he didn't mind he was always happy to be the center of your attention

pulling out the spare key to your house--your mother gave it to him and he would always be so smug about it..--

he stepped into the warm atmosphere of the house.. he will always admire you and your mother's taste in furniture and lighting

he always feels comfortable and inviting when he steps into your home[he'll make sure you'll be the one to decorate yours and his house when the two of you get married...]

he crouches to pet your dog who is also lazying by the front door before closing it and making sure it's locked and then turning around to walk in the direction where he hears a muffled sound of a movie being played behind his girlfriend's door

kisaki opens the door to see you huddling in your warm blankets and hallway asleep watching 'turning red' one of your favorite new disney movie

you turn your head to see kisaki standing by your open door with bags filled with the goodies you had asked him to get you

and from that sight alone you instantly woke up

"snacks! yay!" you give a gleeful smile

kisaki huffs "huh, no.. 'hello tetta' 'thank you tetta for being SUCH a good boyfriend' ? you're just going straight for the snacks?"

you roll your eyes playfully and sit up with a small wince--which kisaki frowns at--

"thank you soooo much tetta! for being such a good boyfriend and helping your girlfriend in need! your the best"

amused with your talk, he walks over to your best and sits don't next to you but places the bag between the two of you

"got you most of want you wanted, I couldn't find any dorayaki though.. someone had.. sold them all out.. for some odd reason.." kiaski mumbles

you pout at not having any dorayaki but then you smile and poke kisakis cheek "you're acting like you haven't done something like that before"

his face heats up at the gesture and moves his head away "it'll be the last time..too"

"ahh..tettaaa no! im sorry! here I'll even share some of my snacks with you" giving him a kissy face as you move over to lay your head against his shoulder and bring up a bag of gummies in front of his face and shake it gently

"hah? your snacks?" he turns his head back and recoils a bit from the closeness of your face to his--even dating for two years he's still nervous--

getting this silly love-struck smile on your face, leaning in closer to kisaki you kiss his warm cheek and lean back

"cmon I wanna keep watching my movie with you.. ill probably have to restart it now..."

kisaki was just staring off into space and then morphing his shocked expression into one of hopeless love

he then lays down next to you under the fluff blankets that smell like your perfumes and he peacefully lays there with you

his body stiffens at the impact of your head lying on his chest and he hears a faint giggling coming from you

he lets out a breath and puts a hand on your upper back and gently rubs back and forth

"you're going to kill me one day women.."

"then ill get to have aaall your money" you lightly laugh

kisaki's softly smiles and hesitantly leans his head forward and kisses the back of your head and he hears your breath hitch

"you can have all the money in the world.."

"tetta.."

"yes?"

"im cramping again..."

"you..want me to move from my comfortable position to get you pills?"

"yeah..."

"what am i going to do with you?"

not proof read and i think I somehow strayed away from the topic of period comfort?? :(( I tried my best..

this fic was also inspired by Period Comfort by @kazutora-kurokawa !

I have like four other one-shots in wip [spoilers it's about baji, kazutora, nahoya and souya!!]

[sluggintub]

Omg!!!!!!

Haiii!!!! Elloo!!!

Im back with your semi annual Robo Mace wip :0000

Finally was able to expand upon an idea cooking in my mind for a good bit which was a kinda battle mask (Basically whenever conflict is engaged their “human” mouth would be covered with this extravagant layer o’ metal to protect em!)

Practical considering they’re mostly made up of metal?

Absolutely not

Cool?

ABSOLUTELY

Anyways thats literally the whole wip.

Ive redrawn that same pose like five million times on different canvases with every attempt so ive made like zero progress 💀

But now that I have your attention I wanted to expand on Mace’s lore cuz I feel like it and I think i promised to make a post about it

So.

I dont know about any of you you guys-

I personally feel like Darcy the core and Alderitch coulda be so much cooler!

Like dont get me wrong. I like Darcy design wise! They’ve literally been living in my head rent free ever since their first teaser! (It’s a blessing and a curse please send help hshshHahabbfnsuaha)

But I personally feel like plot wise they were kinda lacking :(

And the idea of a bucha a n c i e n t newts consciousnesses invading a 13/14 year old kids mind forcefully is kinda…gross.

So.

I was brainstorming and came up with this:

When the core was first teased. Back in the ye olde days in the pre True colors when the fandom called it the Night-

Im not the only one that thought it was some sorta god right?

A giant mass of orange eyes that a powerful King that ruled for thousands of years kneels down to and calls “Master?”

Idk about you but that gives off omnipotent eldritch horror vibes to me.

So I basically took that concept and expanded upon that and incorporated bits of the lore that Andrias dropped about his kind.

Specifically about how he said that his kind were conquerers.

Why?

Sure. It could purely be a generational trauma thing.

His father did it. His father’s father did it. And his father’s father’s father did it as well.

That could be the end of it.

No one really knows why they conquer and enslave races other than “tradition.”

Maybe Andrias only mentions it all is so he can bask in his triumph. To feel a deluded sense of pride in his lineage for finally being able to continue the work of his forefathers after thousands of years of resentment and regret planted in his mind by his own father that twisted and corrupted his perception on reality.

Maybe Matt just thought those sequences up on the spot and they sorta made sense.

Theres alotta maybes and to my knowledge thats about the extent of it

But im not satisfied with that

So I took that concept. The conquering inter dimensional newts and elevated it.

The core was never a series of Newtopia’s “greatest minds.”

It was always an omnipotent being.

An all seeing all knowing all powerful elderitch horror that is always hungry.

Thats why Andrias’ ancestors invaded other worlds!

Whether it was out of fear or necessity or a deal made with the devil

The reason they invaded is because the core is always hungry. And it needed to feed. So they sacrificed whole worlds to the core just to satiate its ravenous appetite.

And it would explain why in the last season Amphibia was being siphoned for all its resources

Not only was it for the factories, the frobo army, and the mind control devices

It was to stave off the cores hunger until the invasion of earth could surpass

And I didnt forget about all those newts that died and had their brain transferred to the core originally oh nonono

They still sacrificed themselves. But not to join the core or become anything greater. Despite what they believed or what they were promised by the core, Alderitch and all those newts who made up the canon core were nothing more than willing sacrifices to the cores endless hunger. They realistically died for nothing.

So. With this concept/au/rewrite/whatever solves alot of the inconsistencies in the plot and also gets rid of the gross old newts in 13 year olds brain plot

Lemme know what you think of this concept! Im open to criticism and any ideas anyone is willing to share and will do my best to respond to em!

[transitioningpirate]

today (03/07) marks nine months since i started T!!!!!

im so happy with the changes so far, everything has been amazing and my self esteem has raised significantly. maybe even too much LMAOOO i feel so hot and attractive all the time and im so proud of my body and how i look, it's INSANE. this is something i never experienced before. even when i knew i was objectively attractive i was still very much unhappy with my body because it didn't felt mine. now it feels like im, i dont know, finally looking like myself? does that make sense?

what im trying to say is that i finally look at the mirror and the person i see looking back is me, and i feel good about it.

not everything is perfect, obviously, but here's some changes in general i've noticed:

body hair! this is something i didn't expect to be such a great change - facial hair specifically, sure, but my legs and arms and my belly is far more hairy now! i also got a happy trail which im super excited about because i always thought they were incredibly attractive. my moustache is thicker and it definitely shows but it isn't that big yet, as well as my beard, which is even thicker and smaller, but it's there :)

my voice dropped insanely, like, i sound almost completely different - ive been doing that "this is my voice one week/month/etc on T" thing and the difference is so clear it's craaazy. im in love with it. i like talking so much more now!!

acne. this is a biiiig one. my skin has never had more acne, on my face and on my back as well. i tried a special soap for it but it didn't help much. it doesn't hurt or anything, but it's definitely there, especially whiteheads. ive made cleaning them a part of my routine at this point. it doesn't bother me as much as i thought it would, to be honest, but it's still annoying :/

bottom growth! my t dick is very enlarged by now and it genuinely looks more like a micropenis than a clit, which im surprised about since it hasn't even been that long!!! but my doctor did say that based on my exams my metabolism was adapting so well to T that i had more testosterone than some cis men my age at this point, so im not that surprised, though it does feel very affirming

my appetite is absolutely insane i eat almost three times the amount i used to and i still managed to lose weight some-fucking-how ?? but i took some blood samples and my doctor said im super duper healthy. i was proud of it the whole week. she did say that my diet was something to be proud of :D

my chest is also smaller! this isn't something i expected and i had to check myself multiple times to be sure but, yup, definitely smaller. i knew it was a possibility, but i didn't think it would be so obvious! i absolutely adore it, though. i feel more comfortable talking to people and sometimes even going outside when im not binding, which is something i would never even dream about before T. it also makes binding easier in general. makes me feel really good i have to say i never thought a smaller chest would be so affirming but it is

my mood has just been better in general, though it is the end of the semester and im stressed by a few personal things. when it gets low, it gets real low, but when it's high - and it usually is, unless something happened - it's like im on cloud nine :D ive also found the confidence to stand up for myself a lot more, which isn't something im very used to doing, and that feels good but it sometimes leads to some stressful situations. absolutely no regrets though >:3

[berry-hwa]

Im procrastinating big time

So here yall go. Part 3. Its less short again but! It will do! Enjoy :3

"So this is the uniform..."

"Mhm!"

It was bright and early in the morning when she got woken up by knocking at her door. Eisuke had been kind enough (for now) to let her stay in one of the penthouse guest rooms, telling her she could move into the employee dormitory later if she so wished. And now, she sat in her new bed, half asleep in her pajamas as she stared down at the hotel uniform splayed out across her sheets, which had been generously given to her by Baba.

"I'll escort you down to the meeting room with the manager of this hotel, Mr. Kenzaki! He'll give you instructions and introduce you to the other workers." He flashed a smile, one she wished she could return. The sun was very bright on her tired eyes.

"Okay...thanks." She finally muttered.

"Anything else you might need is all in this room, buut if you still have any questions, you can always come find me~ I'd be happy to help out." He really was quite nice. Nicer than the others, at least. She couldn't say his charisma incited anything within her, though.

"...Okay, I'll get ready." Gosh she wanted to sleep.

"Alright! I'll wait downstairs for you." He flashed another dazzling smile with a courteous little bow and put his fedora over his heart, exiting the room. What...an interesting man.

She continued staring at the uniform before promptly falling backwards onto her pillows, looking up at the ceiling now. She's never been a fan of this much light and color...maybe she could arrange some changes with Eisuke later.

But for now, she had to get up and meet Baba downstairs. So she sat back up and picked up the pieces of the uniform with a yawn, climbing out of bed and dragging herself to the bathroom to freshen up.

Thank goodness there was a bath in the guest room.

************

After a very eventful 20 minutes, she finally made her way down to the penthouse where the thief was waiting for her. He smiled at her sight alone.

"There you are!...that was pretty quick, did you not grab a bite of anything?" His smile fell a tad as he questioned her. Right. She hadn't eaten anything in about 12 hours.

"Actually...I can last fairly long without any food. Mermaids are conditioned as such." She stood face to face with him as he offered her a hand down the last few steps, getting down with his help. "Our diets are pretty vegetarian under the sea."

"Ah, right. Eating fish would be pretty awkward, huh?" He chuckled at his own words.

"...Perhaps. I generally dislike seafood altogether." A lot of her people actually had great appetites for fish and creatures alike, but even when she lived on land all it took was a taste of some seafood for her to vow never to eat any again.

"No shame in that!" Baba smiled at her again, "Is there anything you would like to eat? I'm not sure if the cafeteria here would satisfy your needs..."

Hm. What would she like to eat.

...

...Was he trying to ask her out to lunch?

"I'm not sure. Maybe...salad? That's as close as one can get to a mermaid's diet."

"Hmm...alright, I'll ask around for it. For now though," He made his way over to the door and opened it, "After you, m'lady!" Sort of old fashioned, isn't he?

"Thank you."

************

About an hour later, she was finally put to work. She was introduced as Eisuke's close relative to cover up the fact that she'd also be working up in the penthouse. Probably arranged by none other than Eisuke himself. She also had been given instructions on how to clean the rooms, but Mr. Kenzaki advised to watch her coworkers and learn from them bit by bit instead of charging in headfirst. So, that is what she was currently up to.

She'd been placed in a group with two other girls, presumably around her age, who seemed pretty nice. Unlike the girl who seemed to criticize her even while she was standing, with a very judgemental gaze. She soon found out her name was Erika and that she was infamous for terrorizing every maid in the hotel, newbie or not.

"Collecting these sheets and changing them may be hard for a first timer, but I'm sure you'll get it down sooner or later. How about you try it in the next room?" Her thoughts were interrupted by her group-mate, Chisato. She was quite lovely and very nice...and also very pretty, Mira noted.

Right. The job.

"Oh, alright...I can give it a try."

"I'm done over here, Chisato!" Her second group-mate emerged from the bathroom, chipper as ever. She was much more youthful and energized than Chisato seemed, reminding Mira of someone...someone close.

"You can move onto the next room then, Sakiko. Thanks." Chisato smiled as she fluffed up the pillows of the bed they were currently standing at.

Alright. As pretty as Chisato was, she couldn't keep her attention on her.

Instead, her mind kept wandering to Ota.

His behavior the previous night was just so...odd, even before she knocked that wine glass over onto Eisuke's leg. How she kept noticing his gaze at her pearl necklace during the I.V.C. How he was usually always in unison with Baba's antics and was known to be a little devil under his angelic persona, yet didn't exhibit any of that behavior the whole time she was in his presence...

Very weird.

She'd have to investigate that some time.

"Mira? Are you coming?" Chisato's smooth voice broke her out of her thoughts. Still on the job, Mira. Focus.

"Yep, I'm coming."

************

What an exhausting day.

Baba had come around for lunch, asking if she'd like to have a meal together — confirming her earlier suspicions. She politely declined though, opting to sit with Chisato and Sakiko in the cafeteria, to get to know them better and make some friends. She couldn't deny that his crestfallen face made her a little regretful, but oh well. She didn't exactly plan to get close to any of the men in the penthouse...and she had an inkling Baba would get over his heartbreak sooner or later anyway.

She found herself enjoying Chisato's and Sakiko's presence, especially when Erika had bumped into them and started tearing away at the three of them with her two sidekicks. She was quite the interesting character too.

Surprisingly, she didn't mess up at work as bad as she thought she would. She knew firsthand she didn't want to get involved in any water work like cleaning the washrooms and windows, so she took over the beds and generally tidying up the rooms, just as Chisato instructed her. She got the hang of it soon even if she wasn't as swift as Chisato, but she was still pretty happy with herself.

Now, in result of all her manual labor, she was pretty exhausted as she made her way up to the penthouse. She could already hear the voices behind the door she stood in front of.

"How about this item? I think I can get a hold of it if you give me a week or two, boss."

"Do what you want, just bring it back in perfect condition."

"Good evening, everyone." She quietly walked in, closing the doors behind her. What where they talking about?

"Hello pretty lady! Anything we can help you with?" Baba smiled at her for the nth time that day. It was getting to the point where he looked a bit uncanny if he wasn't smiling.

"No, not at all. Continue on with your work or...whatever?" She tilted her head at the group that was collected. Everyone was there, except for Ota. Once again, very odd. They looked like they were discussing something important though, with the way even Mamoru made the effort to be present and pay attention(?) So maybe he just had no business with the rest of them. Still though, odd.

"Are you cleaning the rooms upstairs too?" The thief picked up some documents (what an odd sight) whilst keeping his eyes on her.

"I am, I hope none of you mind...?" She looked to Eisuke, who raised an eyebrow at her question.

"I wouldn't have hired you to work up here for nothing." So he's a stick in the mud. And acts like a spoiled brat. This is the man who's supposed to save her and her people.

"Alright then, page me if you need anything." She didn't know what the "pager" device was when she found it amongst the pieces of her uniform, but Sakiko had explained to her that it must've been Ichinomiya's way of contacting her and calling her up to the penthouse. You learn something new everyday.

Making her way up the stairs, who did she bump into? None other than the angelic artist, who had just left his own room.

"Oh."

"Oh. Hello, Ota." She bowed her head and looked up at his surprised face. Was he...always like this? Or was she the reason he was acting so strangely?

"Good evening uhh...Mira, was it?" He laughed a little to ease the air. There was definitely something strange about him.

"Yes, it's Mira. I can clean your room, right?"

"O-Oh. Yeah, sure, no problem...go ahead." Fidgety. Strangely fidgety. It's not like he was nervous or shy around her, was it?...She was very curious. She wasn't sure if asking him would be the right call though, lest she scared him off or something of the sorts.

"Is everything alright? You seem flustered...you're not ill, are you?" She placed her palm against his forehead and quickly pulled it back when Ota visibly jumped. Looks like she still scared him off.

"I uhh...I'm fine! I'm just going out for some fresh air and...creative inspiration, yeah. Off I go!" He gave her a half-assed smile and dashed past her, right down the stairs.

Goodness...such weird people circling her all day.

************

It was later at night when she decided to stop sitting in her room and head downstairs, purely out of boredom. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. What was she supposed to do???

She was very surprised to see the CEO in one of the chairs, staring off into the distance as he drank some coffee.

"Hello again, mister siren." Everyone else had left so she felt like she could talk to him more freely.

"...Don't call me that." He scowled at her. For some reason she enjoyed riling him up and getting him to react to such simple jabs. He's oh so sensitive.

"What are you thinking about?" She took a seat in the red couch a little ways from Eisuke and crossed her legs.

"Stuff. I don't think you'd care much." He took another sip of his coffee, scowl almost deepening as he swallowed. "What are you doing down here?"

"I got bored. So I thought I'd find something interesting down here." She eyed his coffee with interest and pointed to it. "Are you not a fan of that?"

"What, this?" He lifted the mug for her to see, "It's coffee. Ever heard of that?"

She mirrored his scowl.

"Of course I have. I wasn't born yesterday." Still being an ass, huh?

"Nobody can get the taste right." He huffed like a child. Really, what difference was there between one and him?

"Have you considered giving them the needed instructions?" She questioned and if she blinked, she almost would've missed the way Eisuke's eye had twitched.

"Jeez. Don't give me that look. I know you're a siren and all but..."

"How are you so sure of that? Have you even seen my form?"

...

Huh.

"...Actually. You're smart." She got up, locking eyes with Eisuke who stared at her in confusion.

"How about...we go for a swim?"

[pittieandpoodle]

5 week medication update!

her appetite is much better, but still picky when it comes to crunchy treats; this could be and most likely is because of her broken tooth, one of her bottom molars has a little sheered off chip that isn’t urgent/doesn’t have exposed pulp, but i can’t imagine it’s painless. so the appetite situation is a toss up between meds and tooth.

denver’s energy level is up a little more, too. the weather’s much better, daily highs of 75-80 and we even had some rain a few days, so i’ve been essentially forcing her to exercise and go on walks. her general anxiety on said walks is noticeably lower. she’s easier to direct out of a reaction, and i’ve been able to very successfully avoid reactions at all several times in the last 2 weeks. her walks are always intended to provide exercise and relieve stress, so they’re very denver-led and sniffing oriented, which is a great management method for her behavior.

i’ve come up with a long and detailed plan for tackling her car anxiety, and it’s already improving. the anxiety seemed localized to the crate, so for now she’s riding in a buckled harness, and we’ll do separate crate training in the house. i am very optimistic about this.

we haven’t tried trazodone again, but im considering trying a dose for a nail trim. it’s a lot less stressful than car rides, and it’s easy to just stop if it doesn’t work out. i want to make sure the traz isn’t a good fit, and i’ll mention it to our vet at the next appointment.

overall, im feeling really good about the medication. the only sticking points im noticing are her lower energy and appetite, but that’s normal for this time frame, and she’s also middle-aged and out of shape, so im not too worried.

[luveline]

tl asleep lol tw vent (more of a diary entry than anything overly negative but) tw weight loss ment and talking about myself in general like narcissus staring into a pond 😭

i think the heat has ruined my moisturiser cos ive only had it for a few months and i swear it smells like glue all of a sudden?? so I smell like glue, i look weird too my haircut has made it so the bits by my ears curl really enthusiastically and im not sure if it's a good look. but I look pretty today anyhow

also have been losing a lot of weight recently cos i don't have an appetite anymore especially when it's hot like this and it's weird to actually see my body changing, i don't care either way but yeah super strange to look at my thighs/arms and notice that they've slimmed down . I WAS worried about my chest but it doesn't seem to have changed for the worse, if anything i like it more now

im not sick for once which is really cool. i AM super lonely but I don't feel up to talking to anyone either and I'm not unfair enough to bother anyone it's just like.... .... I don't want to talk but I don't want to be by myself. but I really do want to be by myself which is a stupid contradiction

in general I don't think I'm very happy right now, there's a lot of things in my life that feel too heavy and I'm not interested in carrying them around but you can't exactly put them down either. im just trying to make it to the next day often and this feels weird to admit because it's not like I'm actively telling anyone how I feel. my family are my family and i love them but i can't say any of them are interested in how im feeling, not that i blame them for that though with everything going on

it's weird because I don't feel that sad most of the time, even writing this I don't feel very upset. I guess I'm frustrated because things just don't seem to be getting any better and lately I can't even write which SUCKS. i kind of feel like im in limbo and its not fun but im not looking forward or moving on either and that's my fault

and none of this is new obviously but lately its distracting, I think because its August and summer and I'm never very well in the summer. I keep having dreams about people and things that happened and that brings it all fresh to the surface

I really think it's too hot and that's actually what's upsetting me. so I might go submerge myself in a cold bath for an hour haha. also I'm probably more upset by my shitty writing lately than im admitting to myself, it honestly feels terrible when you're not good at the one thing you're good at. and the lingering idea that im stupid like to the bone dumb gets worse when i can't write

I think it's worthless to mention the shame cycle here but that's very much ongoing too. all around, I'm really tired but things are NOT all bad. I have my family, I have this blog, I have a roof over my head and autonomy and if I can just pull myself together and start writing again I know I'm gonna feel heaps better. that's not to mention movies and music and reading im really trying to look on the bright side and get it together before October

[hackfurs]

im going to put a summary of what i’ve been going through under a read more to add some context to my absence. its a long one. sorry. also some trigger warnings for: abuse , death of a loved one , ableism , discussion of topics related to nausea

- i have been failing to deal with an intense workload that began all the way back in 2020, when my old computer died and i had to scramble to replace it in the middle of a global pandemic.

- i was able to afford the computer thanks to everyone being so generous at the time, but afterward, i still had bills to pay and needed to afford food.

- since art was the only way i knew how to make money, my queue quickly outpaced my ability to work and i haven’t recovered since despite permanently closing commissions last year (except if my need was dire).

- the stress and guilt associated with having such a long queue continued to compound, making it harder to do art in any capacity. i feel intense guilt when i draw anything not meant for a client. because of this, i don’t have much love for art at the moment.

- my “brand” of ADHD severely affects my executive function capabilities, i have constant issues with insomnia. weeks pass in the blink of an eye and i have no idea where the time goes. and i’m unable to get any treatment for it. my doctor refuses to prescribe anything, and those in my family are unwilling to help me seek treatment with a specialist for adhd.

- up until may-june of this year when i was able to finally get treatment after months of testing, i had had a chronic stomach condition (for the past 5-6 years) that would give me monthly, sometimes weekly issues such as intense nausea and lack of appetite. i would spend every waking moment throwing up, subsisting off of pedialyte popsicles and a cold medicine strong enough to make sure i was never awake enough to full grasp how awful i felt. i lost all joy for eating. every meal was a gamble if i’d feel fine or doom myself to be bedridden for 3 days. there were times i was so weak i couldnt remain awake for longer than 15 minutes at a time. couldn’t think. i was terrorized constantly by fever dreams. so because of this, my every waking moment became dominated by this obsessive game of “am i sick? am i going to be sick? is this a false alarm?” it was maddening and i missed out on so much. my only experience of MFF 2019 was walking through the dealers den for 30 minutes alone because everyone in the group had already looked through everything and wasnt interested. id never felt so alone in a crowd of people before.

- if i wasnt sick, i was recovering and dreading the next time i would inevitably get sick. it haunted my every waking moment. i thought every time it happened “maybe this one actually kills me”. and the whole time the tests turned back nothing. the meds didn’t do anything. it took over a year to finally get a medication that helped and im terrified of ever living like that again. it was hard to get myself to work when i was an anxious wreck huddled in a corner afraid i was going to die, and while i no longer get sick, those anxieties still color every aspect of my life

- now that im unable to work consistently on what i do owe, and now that i’m taking no new commissions, i’ve made around $500 for the entirety of 2022. which isn’t much to live off of, so i’ve been existing entirely on the good will of others. while i’m so thankful for all the help i do receive, it makes me feel like a leech. it makes me feel like everyone will start to hate me eventually when they notice i’m not getting better as fast as they thought i would. and if im not getting better, what was the point of sending money to help?

- on top of all that, my home life has progressively gotten worse. i opened up about my experiences with autism to the relatives i live with, as well as what i deal with because of adhd, and they have been unsympathetic at best to actively abusive at worst.

- one of them has weaponized my autism against me multiple times, and as recently as last week, intentionally triggered a panic attack in me to manipulate me into doing something for her. i’m not able to stand up for myself. i’m constantly infantilized and attacked for things i can’t help. she lets me live here for free, and if i speak up, i stand to become homeless. i have no other option than to accept the abuse of a family member. i have no money to do anything about it. and any money i do get would be put toward refunding people waiting for art.

- this very same family member is also very accident prone, and recently this year would have died in an accident had i not been there to help her. if i had not heard her calls for help. after this incident, i started to bolt out of sleep thinking i heard her calling for help again, and then i have a panic attack when i realize i had just imagined it. despite everything, it would be blood on my hands if i wasn’t around to help the next time something happened. so now im constantly on edge. constantly on the lookout.

- the other family member i live with is going to be dead soon. he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and he refused all treatment and chances to right the ship before it was too late. so instead, he has chosen to die. i don’t know how much longer he has left. he gets confused. he terrifies me sometimes. but there’s nothing i can do about it.

- i feel alienated from almost everyone in my life now. furries and friends alike. everyone i know is waiting on art from me, so i avoid talking to them to avoid the guilt of acknowledging its been months with no update. and when i dont talk, we drift apart. i stop feeling welcome in discord servers. i got pushed out of our mff group for mff 2022. i wanted to go so bad, but i dont think ill ever go again at this point.

- to wrap it all up in one bleak little bow, i am in the most hopeless place i have ever been in my life. i feel like my career is dead and forever tainted. i can’t blame anyone for wanting nothing to do with me now, especially after making people wait so long. i can’t come back from this. my mental health is doomed to deteriorate. just trying to exist in this house has been traumatizing. my one good irl friend i thought i had wants nothing to do with me anymore. i dont see a way out of this. even if a literal miracle fell into my lap and let me refund all the art i owed, it would all still be fucked. i can never make it right with people at this point. its too late. i wasted too much time. im just fucked and its just a matter of how long im allowed to tread water before real life comes knocking and i sink below the waves.

sorry for all that. i guess thats it.

[shurisneakers]

shut in [9]

Summary: When your high profile mission goes terribly wrong, you’re forced to hide in a safehouse with a man you’ve never met before. With seemingly nowhere else to go, you’re forced to work together to figure out who is trying to have you assassinated before it’s too late. (Sam Wilson x Reader, Hitman AU)

Warnings: cursing, anxiety, ptsd, shooting

Word count: 2.8k

A/N: ok ok ok ok sam deserves the world and im mad that he’s not getting it

i also appreciate feedback so if you would like to, please consider dropping me an ask or comment ly guys!!

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Shut In Masterlist

He was gone.

10:00am

Time had begun to slip past you. Days where you were forced to wake up at 4am were just a dreary memory you didn’t want to revisit. The rough shoves in the morning to have you awake enough to be in training by 4:30am only fell into the category of things you had forgotten over the time you had stayed here.

Maybe sleep wasn’t a luxury you weren’t allowed to afford.

10:30am

By the time you step into the kitchen, the loose structure of the day you had ahead of you was forming. Maybe if you revisited the small makeshift shooting range you had set up for Sam and you to practice. A couple of old soup cans, a flat boulder for them to sit on and you were good to go. He had allowed you to use his giant board for knife throwing too, laughed when you asked for permission before saying it was for the both of you. 

You made a sandwich for yourself, forcing it down your throat with water. Bread was starting to feel like cardboard and the jam just tasted like nothing. Peanut butter was even worse.

Losing appetite wasn’t an option, even though it had eroded a while ago. The best option was to just scarf it down with water. 

11:00am

Sam isn’t in the house, you had deduced. A morning run or maybe just some fresh air.

You checked for the notes he sometimes left for you when he went out. Something along the lines of when he’d be back, or why he’d left, or where you could find him. 

You looked on top of the fridge where he generally left them; someplace he knew you’d see. You didn’t find one.

You shrugged it off. 

Something felt wrong about the arrangement of the kitchen but you couldn’t place a finger on what it was. All the chairs were in its place, trash appropriately in the bin, no bowls were left from soup day in the sink to wash. 

The origami swan you had made still rested next to his paper airplane. Nothing seemed wrong or out of place. 

You pushed yourself to shake off the nerves, to get dressed instead. The shooting range was waiting for you.

12:45pm

When you shoot for thirty and get all thirty, it tends to get a little boring. Not that you were complaining; if even one was off you’d spend the whole day trying to make up for it.

Violent hobbies weren’t ideal. They weren’t even hobbies per se. Just skills you needed to keep sharp if you wanted to survive.

You even shot at the targets that you had hung up on the trees. Dangerous and completely Sam’s idea. Said the wind made them act like moving targets. Nevermind the possibility of a ricochet.

The target board was empty too. Admittedly, knife throwing was a little harder  to get used than shooting to but it still only took a few tries before you were hitting bullseye over and over again.

There just wasn’t anything to do. And you realised it had been this way for a while but you never noticed due to his lively chatter or how competitive it got with stupid games you were making up as you went. 

1:00pm

You learned against the counter as you ate, eyeing the room, trying to figure out what you had misplaced. The air was cold, even more so after the shower, so you threw on an extra t-shirt to aid you.

You made a noise of disapproval when you couldn’t find what was wrong. A quick wash of your hands before you made your way to the TV, fully intending to doze off while watching Megamind for the fourth time. 

You passed by the mini fridge on the way, noting how you needed to restock the ice cubes when you suddenly stopped in your path.

Your eyes peeled back to the small paper bowl Sam had crafted expertly that was still somehow managing to stick together. But that was what was wrong.

The keys were missing.

The fucking car keys and the pocket change you had taken from Pierce’s house were no longer there. 

Your body moved on autopilot, dragging you towards the front door. You yanked it open, door creaking under the pressure you applied on it.

Your heart sank. 

The car was gone.

1:20pm

You had all the possibilities listed out in front of you with the rest scratched out after you had rationalised it.

Someone had come in and taken the car, which wasn’t likely. 

Sam had stepped out but hadn’t mentioned it to you. If he did, why would he need the car?

Someone had abducted Sam, which was absurd on paper but still left a twinge of uncertainty because you couldn’t definitively rule it out. 

He had just left. Decided he was done and left. 

You stared at the last option. 

“Fuck,” you cursed.

You could feel his muscle shift as he looked at you. 

“What’s wrong?” 

You opened your mouth but shut it again. How do you explain it to him without sounding utterly ridiculous?

You wondered if it was that conversation. 

He wouldn’t leave after you told him, would he?

You hesitated before shaking your head.

He’d come back. He would.

1:45pm 

You had added a few more possibilities to the list but discarded it almost immediately.

You now found a place in front of the TV, watching but not registering what was said. Your fingers kept itself busy by playing with the hem of your shirt. You had thrown another one on since his jacket was missing with the rest of him. It had gotten colder.

The woman droned on about how much her husband loved the recipe she was making. It was Sam’s favourite segment, not because it was particularly fantastic or anything, but because it gave him forty five minutes of free content to trash talk.

Your eyes kept glancing up at the clock. Was it broken or was time much slower than you initially thought?

You almost felt like you were in a cognitive dysfunction; you couldn’t do anything other than while away time till you figured out what had gone wrong. 

2:00pm

If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t have heard the soft crunch of twigs. The whirring of the wheels as it turned gently only made you sit up straight, hands on the gun that rested on the couch beside you.

It came to a stop. The gun was fully in your grip now, TV turned off to determine what the noises were.

It was the most agonisingly slow minute you spent listening as the car opened and shut, muffled by the distance. You were near the door, using the adjoining wall as a hideaway. 

The doorknob shook as someone tried to push their way in. 

“Sam?” you called out cautiously against your better judgement, mentally cringing. 

It took a second for his reply to return. 

“Hey, sweetheart. Let me in, will you? Stupid door’s not opening.”

Of course it wouldn’t. It was fingerprint activated.

Relief flooded your system, letting yourself hold the gun with only one hand as you hastily made your way to open the door.

However, you paused. As much as you wanted to fling the door open blindly, you waited, hand on the knob.

“Is someone out there with you?”

“What?” he sounded confused. “No, it’s just me.”

You opened the door slightly, peeking out through the sliver of open space. 

Sure enough, it was only him. The car was returned to the same spot that it was.

“Where were you?” You yanked the door open. You sounded way more aggressive than you planned to, you were sure. It didn’t matter though.

“Went to the store,” he said nonchalantly, stepping inside, and dropping the keys back where they were.

“What?” 

He was so relaxed about it, like it was nothing. It only irked you further than you already were.

“Drove the car till the highway, walked into town and went to the store.” He set the bag down. “What’d you do all day?”

“You went to the town,” you emphasised. “To the fucking store.”

“Yeah, I figured you would be up by the time I came back.”

“You were gone for hours.” You crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to yell. You could talk it out calmly. You didn’t have to snap

You hoped he had a good reason. You sincerely hoped, for his well being and security, that he risked his life to go to public space.

“We’re way further out than you think. Nearest dollar store’s almost the next fuckin’ state if you’re walking. Had to ditch the car because it’s a little too flashy, even for me.” He lifted up the bag next to him. “Got us some ramen. And juice. That’s all we had cash for anyway.”

You stare at him, mouth slightly agape. 

“You could have been seen, Sam,” your tone was corrosive, the next best you could do instead of yelling. “For all we know, you could have been followed.”

“No one followed me. I made sure.”

That did nothing to alleviate the anxiety that was crawling into your head. 

“You’re ridiculous,” you muttered. “Fucking ridiculous.”

“Where are you going?” You ignored him, turning on your heel and walking to the bedroom. You didn’t care if it was his day that day. He could rot in the kitchen with his stupid ramen for all you cared.

You cursed as you slammed the door behind you, launching yourself onto the bed. 

There was no denying you were relieved that he was still alive and here. But fuck him. Fucking dickhead. 

Fucking juice.

You spent the next couple of hours feeling absolutely embarrassed for yourself. Why did you spend hours worrying if he was safe when he was out there, gallivanting in public for some stupid noodles?

Both of you could have been absolutely fucked if he wasn’t careful. He may have just jeopardised your entire set up.

But deep down, no matter how much it was annoying to acknowledge, you knew he wouldn’t have. He was smart, strategic. 

Why would he do something like this?

How much you were worried scared you. There was no time where it had occurred that maybe you were in danger too. Every possibility you came up with only pushed the thought of him possibly in trouble further into your head. 

But the more you spend time overthinking, the more you realised that him being in danger wasn’t the entire cause of your worry. 

What if he didn’t come back? Why’d he come back? 

He had the means to leave, the will to and clearly was able to go undetected for a while. He didn’t need to return, but he did. 

And for what; to give you some food he bought from the dollar store. 

He seemed excited about it too, before you had closed the door on his face and decided to spend the next few hours self-destructing.

Fucking ramen.

Maybe if you could just lie there until you decomposed, then you wouldn’t have to have a conversation with him about this. That’s what you would have done a couple of months ago. 

But now the idea of communicating had been implanted and implemented several times before. It didn’t feel right to push it away, not when you’d come so far. A chance to heal.

You groaned, shoving a pillow onto your face before getting up grumpily. 

Fuck this man and his stupid, healthy methods of coping. 

___

You opened the door slowly, creeping into the hallway to assess what he was doing. It had been a few hours of silence in the house. He had given you space, not come knocking on the door to explain himself. 

You took note of the kitchen. The table had been laid with two bowls of noodles covered with a plate along with a glass each of juice. It was domestic. Cute.

He was watching Die Hard but the volume was turned down low. If he was anything like you, he wouldn’t have been paying too much attention.

You cleared your throat awkwardly to grab his attention.

His neck craned to look at you, surprise flashing across his face for a second before he leapt up, turning off the TV in an instant.

“Y/N,” he stated as normally as he could.

“Samuel,” your tone was steady. 

He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Wasn’t sure if you were gonna show up.” 

“Neither was I.” You looked at the table, gesturing towards it with your shoulder. “Watchu got there, Gordon Ramsey?”

Because screw him, but the longer you stood there staring at the bowl, you were starting to understand the lengths he went to to get something other than bread, peanut butter and soup. As much as the prospect of being petty thrilled you, you had survived on nothing but them for the past few weeks.

“Got a few packs of ramen and a gallon of juice from the store. Thought you- we deserve somethin’ nice.” You noticed his quick coverup but didn’t acknowledge it. “It’s not Michelin star worthy, but it’ll do.”

You nodded, avoiding looking at him.

“I-”

“Hey-”

Both of you started at the same time, only to be cut off by the other. You mentioned for him to continue.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I should have told you before I left,” You didn’t expect the sincerity that exuded from every word he let out and you found yourself unable to look away. “I’m not used to people worrying about where I go... but things are different now. I won’t do it again.”

You weren’t used to the feeling of lightness that accompanied an apology. Relief. 

“Thank you,” you said breathily. His face noticeably brightened. “But why’d you come back?”

His small smile left as soon as it came, as his face fell into a frown. “What?”

“You could have just left. You had the car, the-” you stopped yourself from listing out reasons why he should have. “Why’d you come back?”

He looked completely confused. 

“Because I wanted to,” he voiced. “Leaving you behind was never an option. I wouldn’t-”

He trailed off, eyes never leaving yours. 

“You’re stuck with me,” he urged softly. “We’re a team.”

You lingered on him longer than you wanted to admit. He wasn’t lying, you had realised. 

“Care to join me for dinner?” he asked, extending a hand to you.

You rolled your eyes but took it, feeling the heat creep up your neck. He smirked at you and fuck, he was frustratingly cute. 

You understood. You totally understood when you nearly died at the first bite you took, vowing to never take food like this for granted again. It may have been the absolute bare minimum; just the seasoning and noodles he had cooked in the microwave, but it was the best goddamn meal you ever had.

“Good, right?” He looked about as content as he could be. 

“Best fuckin’ day of my life.”

He kidded around some more. You choked out a laugh at some, wholly ignored the others to which he took complete offence. You saw it as a way to humble him.

This was the normalcy you had crushed your craving for so long ago, accepting that it wouldn’t ever happen. A normal dinner with someone who made you smile, no impending doom lurking around the corner and maybe a shot at a glimmer of something happy. 

It was strange that you found it with another hitman in a safe house, hiding from authorities and who knows what else, with food worth a couple of cents. You wouldn’t want it any other way.

Yet there were things that had to be discussed. Conversations that needed to happen.

“Sam, we need to talk about it.” You didn’t have to explain, he knew what you were talking about.

“What’s wrong?” 

“I need to tell you something and I need you to hear me out before saying anything,” you pulled away from him, shuddering at the sudden cold that enveloped you. 

“I’m listening.”

“We do,” he agreed, and you could feel the atmosphere in the room begin to shift. “But we don’t have to do it now.”

He reached across from where he was sitting, hesitantly interlacing your fingers. The sense of fluster you experienced wasn’t healthy, you decided.

You just ducked your head, fighting against the damn smile that was trying to make its way onto your face. You didn’t pull away.

“Okay.”

Next part

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 24 - The more its restored, the less like the original it becomes.

K: This is Dir en grey's Kaoru, starting this episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome....*points to Joe with his bare leg showing*..Errr, are you hot?

J: No, I mean, its hot isn't it?

K: Yeh, it is.

J: How do you feel about Summer? Im really bad with Summer!

K: Well, I don't like the heat, but I don't really go outside all that much.

J: Really? By the way, what are your favourite seasons, Kaoru?

K: Autumn and Spring.

J: Well, yeh right? Which do you hate the most? Winter or Summer?

K: Im really sensitive to hot and cold.

J: Oh really?!

K: But, hmm, which one? Maybe Summer is better.

J: Summer is better? Ehh? But in the winter you can always put on extra clothes if you are cold..but in Summer...we have our limits, right?  Summer is...

K: Can't you just put the aircon on?

J: I do...but..

K: If you go outside, right?

J: Outside is also hot, and if you leave the aircon on constantly inside, you'll catch a cold. Its hard, I really don't like summer at all!

T: Haha

J: You're also limited in what you can eat, right? You have no appetite, you get bored of eating soumen noodles every day.

K: Yeh, that does get boring.

J: In winter you can have big hot pots, and all sorts!

K: I eat hot pots in the summer too.

J: Really?!

T: Ehh?

J: Incredible! Ah, but on the other hand, yes, that kinda works.

T: Wouldn't you feel cooler? After eating it?

K: I feel hot.

J: You feel hot? haha.

K: Hahaha

J: Its is hot!

K: I get really hot! Haha

T: Do you eat it with the aircon blasting?

K: Well, even with the aircon blasting, I still sweat a lot.

J: Its hot, right? But doing that feels good? Conversely?

K: What have you been eating?

J: Salad, basically.

K: Did you say you were on a diet?

J: Yeh, my belly is getting round.

K: Weren't you going to the gym?

J: I am going to the gym!

K: Haha.

J: I started with squats, and when I lifted up, it was so hard*1.

K: Hahaha

J: My muscles hurt a lot today. I can't walk up the stairs.

T: Hahaha

K: At 50, you're like...

J: Getting my teeth out...

K: Getting your teeth out..

T: Doing squats...

J: Yeh, well im divorced, and im aiming to remarry, so this is my last spurt. If I havn't reached my goal by age 55...

K: You've entered a plan to reform yourself?

J: Yes, I have.

T: Joe, you're young!

J: If I havn't managed it by 55, I'll give up...*gestures to camera* So, please,  everyone.

K: Why are you smiling?

T: Hahaha

J: I've kinda been wanting to do that.

K: Hahaha

J: Lets cut that bit.

K: No, we'll show it

J: Hahaha

K: We won't cut it, haha. Ok, Joe san. Today's news please.

J: Yes, this is today's news. We talked about this news a little bit once on the radio show, didn't we?

K: Yeh, we did.

J: Right? Well this is news about how "The more it was restored, the less like the original it became". So in Spain, its been disovered that  an amatuer tried to re-touch a famous work of art, and failed twice. The altered work is a oil painting copy of the 17th century piece by the Spanish Baroque artist Bartolomé Esteban Murillo. The title of the work is, 'The Immaculate Conception of Los Venerables'. The owner of this piece, an art collecter based in Valencia, who paid 1200 euros for it, had requested an employee of a furniture repair company to clean the painting. But during the cleaning, the Virgin Mary's face changed. After not one, but two restoration attempts, the painting was completely ruined, and the owner was apparently very angry. So, if you search for it, you will be able to find the images online. We can't show you them here due to the issue of image rights (*On screen text: Search for Spain painting restoration*). But...yehh..

T: Its incredible, isn't it?

J: This is shocking!

K: They weren't looking at how the picture is supposed to be, were they?

T: *Looking at his paper* Is the top picture the first restoration attempt?

K: Yeh, the one on the left is the original state, and on the right is the first restoration.

J: The top right, yeh.

*Lots of giggling*

J: This has zero sense of Maria! It looks like some vandalism.

K: Its looks like those pictures they stick up outside the police box *2

J: This first attempt is bad enough...

K: Its terrible, really bad!

J: But it generally still fits with the original Maria's line of gaze, right?

K: Yeh, but like, you can see the whites of her eyes. The top half is totally black.

J: If this is restoration work, it means they took money for it?

T: ??? *3

J: Really!

K: How did they actually do it though? Normally you have to use a matching colour to the original, and just do it like this, right?*imitates dabbing paint finely*

J: I think so.

K: But it seems like this person has just gone like "Gahhh' *imitates waving a paintbrush around roughly*

J: They re-painted it, right?

K: They are just slapping paint on, you can't see much detail.

J: Re-writing it! Its terrible!

K: They were somehow trying to remember what it used to look like.

J: At least they could have taken a photo..

K: Without that, this third try is never gonna work.

J: Everyone, please search for these images online. The third image is shocking!

T: The second pic is still looking upwards and kinda has a bit of the orininal feel to it, but the third pic is just staring straight forward!

K: Its the same person who did them both, right?

Kami: Um..I just..

J: Ah, Kami is here.

Kami: Um, I had a look at it, but where did her clothes go?

J: Huh? (*looks at paper*) Ohh, her clothes?

Kami: Yeh.

J: In the original, the area from Maria's chest and up is visible, but by the third picture, the clothes cover up to her head. This is awful!

T: Its scary, isn't it?

J: This is...well, where is the real problem? Even this kind of person has the authority to do restorations, even people at this level.

K: I dont know if they had the authority, they were just asked.

Kami: Yeh, the owner asked a furniture business to do it.

J: Yeh, someone from the furniture business came to restore it.

Kami: If you ask a furniture store to do it, this kind of result can't be helped.

K: For sure. ????*4

Kami: Maria got really ugly.

T: Ahh, I see! Originally, they were supposed to be just cleaning it right? Like, removing the dust.

J: Yeh, that might have been it. Like the painting was deteriorating, and in order to stop it getting worse, or something like that. They must have thought it was ok to go ahead and re-paint it.

K: The person who did it was quite eldery weren't they?

J: Ahh, I see.

T: This is crazy

J: But after seeing their first try, they should have given up trying to fix it for a second time. Somehow, that would've been better.

K: The owner shouldn't ask the same person to fix it, right?

J: Right!

K: But, well, it won't go back to its original state will it?

J: No, it won't.

K: Even if a new person could get to back to this (*points at the first restoration attempt*)

J: ??? Its like hell if you keep going, and hell if you stop. In the end, its like ??? *5, it would be no good...Well, its an impressive thing.

K: Yeh, but imagine if you wanted to keep viewing the painting, as for the first restoration,   if you look at it from far away, it kiiinda still resembles the original a bit. But the second one is no good at all.

J: Yeh, its no good. In the first one you can kinda still see that they were trying to paint the virgin mary, but in the second restoration, it looks like an old woman..not even a proper portrait.

T: Her nose is well defined though, haha.

J: Well, yeh...Isn't the Virgin Mary a friend of Kami's?

Kami: Well, the one in the original is my friend. The third one is totally different.

J: Its no good?

K: That kind of old woman, really.

J: Do you consider this to be a profanity? Is this ok?

Kami: Well, its ok, isn't it?

J: Hahaha.

Kami: That kind of thing.

J: Ah, its ok.

Kami: The original is really well painted isn't it?

T: Mm, yeh.

Kami: Yeh, I think its a really good picture.

K: Its a copy though right? There is someone who painted this as a copy?

T: Yeh, there is a proper original.

K: It would be pretty expensive to hire that person to fix it, right?

J: I think they were trying to save money. 140000yen was too much for them. I wonder how much it usually costs to have a painting decently restored? How much did they save?

K: It probably takes quite a long time to do.

T: I think it takes a really long time.

J: Yeah. Well, when they saw how it ended up, it says the owner was angry, well, yeh, he would be angry wouldn't he?

K: Yeh, he would. Cause its his precious painting that he just wanted cleaning.

J: Yes, thats it.

K: I can only laugh at this, haha. Its a total disaster, really.

T: It really is.

J: Well, the lesson to learn from this is that a ricecake maker makes ricecakes. If you want anything repairing properly, hire a professional..otherwise this type of thing will happen.

T: Thats it.

J: Don't be stingy!

T: Its problematic if they pretend to be a pro, then take your money. But in this case they were just a furniture store.

J: Asking a furniture store to do it was the mistake. Why did they ask a furniture store?

T: But they still said, 'Yes, we can do it', right?

J: Hmm, yeah.

K: They had the look of someone who could do it. The owner was fooled.

J: Its like 'The Guild', they may have had the look of a craftsperson. You have to be careful with appearance too.

K: Well, I think we'll finish here. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

J: Go Hanshin Tigers!

*1, 2 Couldn't make out the last words, but i think its something like this.

*3, 4, 5 Couldn't make out.

[flooffybits]

To Risk It All

Idol: Kim Taeyeon (Girls’ Generation)

Request: Yes

Anon: hi! you're one of my fave writers & i want to say that im absolutely in love w/ your works! can i request a taeyeon scenario wherein she tries her best not to let the public know abt their relationship because she doesn't want ppl hating on s/o that they can't even enjoy a simple date outside? s/o was fed w/ it so they got into an argument? tae eventually apologized & took it upon herself to reveal their relationship to the public? im sorry if this is very detailed btw :( i hope it's okay!

Author's note: theres no need to apologize! detail is actually really nice because it makes writing the story better

Years of being under the spotlight has given the idol a lot to learn. After being harassed from dating a junior, being bashed for a member being kicked out of their group, and losing a friend where she was forced to hide her own depression, she’s learned how privacy would always be intruded by many.

At first, she didn’t want to think too much into the relationship she had with you. You were someone she met at some cafe, as cliche as it sounded. She accidentally poured her drink all over your shirt and she ended up apologizing profusely and insisting to buy you a new shirt.

She found comfort in you for the little time you spoke when picking out a shirt. You knew who she was, yet you treated her like a regular person, something she’s been wishing for in a long while. When she realized that you were someone she could talk to, she asked for your number and if it was okay to meet again without the accident, and you happily agreed.

When she started to fall for you, her fear started coming back, too.

She had to be professional about it, but she also didn’t want to lose you. So she kept those feelings down and tried to be as normal as possible around you, though she couldn’t help it when butterflies would swarm inside her stomach whenever she saw you and how the world seemed brighter when you smiled or laughed

It put her at ease.

So one night, she thought that maybe it would be okay to just be herself around you and her feelings poured out of her like a waterfall. It would have been alright if you rejected her, that would have been much easier. But instead, you initiated the kiss right after she told you and all things came flying out the window.

You weren’t too bothered with having to keep the relationship a secret and she appreciated that. She could just enjoy her time with you in private.

But not all things last forever since two years after, Dispatch decided to come and ruin her life once more. There have been some pictures of the two of you, but your faces were always covered due to Taeyeon’s request. It kept you protected and even if people noticed her, they wouldn’t know who was with her.

“I know, Tae. I just wished we could do something else.” You sighed while you sat on the couch, fingers running through your hair whilst she crossed her arms, lips pursed together. “We can but... just not now. It’s too risky.” She says and you know because you’ve already heard this before.

The conversation has been reoccurring, much more now with Dispatch keeping a close eye on her.

It irritated you.

Yes, you knew that this was going to happen when you first started seeing each other. But you didn’t think that you would nearly be on house arrest just for it. It felt suffocating and restraining and it wasn’t healthy, to either of you.

“Then why don’t we just tell them. At least that way, we don’t have to keep hiding.” Her head whips to you, looking at you as if you had grown a second head. “Y/n, the reason I don’t want us going out is that they don’t find out.” She emphasizes and it doesn’t help your frustration.

“Then what are we supposed to do? Even coming here is risky for you because everyone knows you don’t live her. If people saw you, that’s it. And then what?” You finally snapped. “I can’t go out to see you, we can’t be seen together, then what’s the point?” Your words made her heart rate rise. It was scaring her because it sounded like there was only one way out of this, if she chose not to come clean.

“I’ve told you, I’m doing this to protect you.” She breathes out and you stare at her with a frown, doing your best to stay calm with the situation you were both in. “I don’t need you to protect me, Tae. I am more than capable of handling myself.” You tell her, voice lower compared to your outburst earlier.

“I don’t want them to start sending you hate or threats. I don’t want them to suddenly walk up to you and potentially hurt you. You mean too much to me for that to happen and I can’t forgive myself if something bad happened to you because of me.” Tears were threatening to come from her eyes, but she didn’t want to let them out. “If you do, then you would have enough faith in me and our relationship than the fear of what everyone else will say or do.” You reason, standing up and then walking towards the bedroom.

Taeyeon was left in the living room, staring quietly at the spot you once occupied and let out a deep breath. She had to run her fingers through her hair, doing her best to brush her exhaustion and anxiety away. This was one of the things she wanted to avoid, yet here she was.

Looking at the bedroom, she chewed on her lower lip before she shook her head and walked inside. With a quick look at you, back to her with the blankets pulled up to your chin, she slipped in behind you, doing the same and curling up under the covers.

..

The next day was a little calmer compared to last night. When Taeyeon woke, she saw that you were already awake and had breakfast prepared, though after a little panic of waking up alone in bed.

Sometime during the night, you both ended up tangled together, bodies close, without realizing. And when you woke up, that was the same position you were in. It made your chest tighten because as much as you wanted to keep this relationship going, it was too tiring for both of you.

"Good morning." Her voice was gentle, careful as she entered the dining room and sat down while you offered her a small smile. "Good morning." You greeted back while taking a sip of your coffee.

There was a pause and you both have to admit that this was one of the most awkward breakfasts you've ever had. Neither of you could look each other in the eyes, and neither knew what to actually say. But thankfully, her phone rang and stole her attention away, and judging by the grimace on her face, you could only guess who it was and what it was about.

“Go ahead. I’m going to work, soon.” You tell her, picking at your food since you didn’t really have the appetite to eat anything and Taeyeon bit her lip. “Y/n, I’m really sorry about last night but I will fix this. I promise.” She tells you, reaching for your hand to give it a squeeze and you try not to sigh and give her a weak smile. “Okay.”

Taeyeon left your place with hesitance. She drove all the way to SM, thinking about what could possibly happen and what she could do. She didn’t want to keep hurting you like this, it was unfair. And then your words from last night echoed in her head when she got to the parking lot.

Staring at the wheel, her hands went loose before dropping to her lap. She had to take a minute and actually think of this whole thing. If she kept hiding you away, these fights would only keep on escalating and the risk of losing you was slowly rising, too. But if she did come forward and told everyone, the possibility of them hurting you scared her beyond belief, but you convinced her that you were capable of protecting yourself and she knew firsthand that you could.

It was just a battle between her own fears and she wasn’t sure which side she would be taking. Glancing at her phone, she sees the picture she took of you when you were sound asleep next to her.

Looking at it now, she knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. It was just something she hasn’t told you yet.

At that moment, she grabbed her things and finally exited her car to go and get this meeting over with, her head held high as she steeled her resolve. She wasn’t losing you. That, she was certain of.

..

Coming home after a tiring day, you kicked your shoes off before dragging your body over to the bedroom, dropping your keys on the counter as you passed, but your hand stopped mid air when you saw Taeyeon sitting on a chair, wringing her hands together. When she finally looked up to meet your gaze, she gave you a smile before standing up.

“You’re back.” She breathed out and you blinked in confusion, slowly putting your hands on the table while she bit her lip and then carefully handed her phone to you, an article pulled up that was dated today, published just a few hours ago. “What’s this?” You ask hesitantly and she just gives you a pleading look.

You look down, immediately seeing the picture of your girlfriend but was quickly followed by the one you were both in and you already felt your breath hitch in. After a quick glance at her, you let yourself read the contents of the article, slowly feeling your muscles grow less tense when you saw that Taeyeon had confirmed the rumors of her seeing someone.

“You...” You choked out while putting her phone down and she let out a breath. “I thought about what you said and... you were right, that I shouldn’t let other people control how my life goes.” She looks at you, her eyes shining as she reaches for your hand like she did that morning.

Taeyeon has endured so much throughout her career, but all the hardship brought her to where she is now. It was what brought her to you and she believes that maybe this is what life planned out for her. With a steady gaze, she squeezes your hand. “I want to be with you. I want to live the rest of my life with you.”

Your eyes softened as you took in her form. Your girlfriend was truly an admirable person and you just wanted to take all that suffering away from her. But it also moved you how she was willing to tell people that she was dating again even after what happened before. But the last bit made you freeze while analyzing her features, trying to see a sense of doubt, but there was none.

She stared at you with nothing but certainty and love and it was enough for you as you pulled her into you and pressed a long kiss against her lips, one she happily accepted with her arms wrapping around your neck.

You would both be okay, even through the hate. She had always been afraid, but now she was more than willing to risk this career. Because unlike this, you gave her a sense of comfort and security.

She would be damned if she gave that happiness up.

[chyuans]

          hello , hello  !   first of all ,  i’m super excited to be here even if i’m like 10 hrs LATE  ( gmt timezone things )  i’m noe ,  a gay  they / them at the age of 19 ,  and this privileged lil disappointment of a jock boy is gonna be filling the position of kong_01 . despite the rumours ?  yuanjun’s actually not nearly as bad as some of the people he’ll be meeting here >:)  but you’ll get to know more about that below  !  if you’d like to plot just light up that HEART , or add me on disc*rd which i’ll give out in im’s , where i’m infinitely faster .  if i’m not gaming .  no tw’s under the cut  .

* backstory. > many people know of yuanjun, but few people truly know him. he's the famous kong families’ son, heir to the kong legacy, now forward position for south korea men’s national hockey team - which brought forth a ton of international fame from back home and amongst hockey lovers worldwide. while his talent is undeniable, he is long overshadowed by his families’ accomplishments, forever reminded that he’d never be the perfect son they’d hoped for, and no one ever lets him forget it.

> being the child of business tycoons who’s art business seemed to never be on the decline, tended to lend itself to an unconventional, pretty lonely childhood. 

> although jun no longer wants to dabble in the stupid shit he probably did as a teen, and escape from their home in a childish fit of rage and make the lives of the various nannies that tended to him while his parents were off being great hell, he still wonders sometimes whether this profession is what he would’ve wanted if he’d just not wanted to spite his parents. he loves hockey - that fact is undeniable. he thanks the nanny who took him there once out of necessity to stop his whining, and he fell in love with it almost instantly. but he also questions whether he gravitated to it because it was something he could throw himself into wholeheartedly to fill a void.

> he's very open to different types of people, and after being scouted at 19 and having a massive shift both in culture and identity as he then begun to travel worldwide, he’s a tiny bit more wordly now than he was back then. he's much more concerned about who you are underneath than superficial appearances, which means developing relationships are few and far between, because a lot of people do approach him because of his fame/fortune. he's unjudgemental to the point where his friends worry about his naivety and how easily he trusts people, but he's absolutely not dumb, just very well versed on telling good people from the bad.

> jun may even come across as naïve, but he's very aware of that perception is nearly important as reality. he's not extroverted in a way that demands conversation, but he knows how to talk to anyone from any background even if its just to maintain pleasantries. after competing in various competitions and versing players from canada to japan, he's become much more sharp and ambitious, a guy who very rarely lets distractions take their course. perhaps it’s with this that his family loathe his choices all the more, with his appetite, he was born with the skills required to run a business - pity he never took to anything of the creative sort.  

> working in a fast, stressful, highly coveted job such as pro-sports is a full time job and then some; jun doesn't spend much time not working on it. outside of his schedule, he likes bettering his stamina at the gym and eating healthy. he likes being surrounded by authentic people or nobody at all. he’s not one for trying new things and having new experiences due to time management, tending to stick to a schedule.

> he gets a lot of bad press though, which is beginning to weigh a little heavy on him. doubly now the murder has people talking. from being accused of performance-enhancing pills, various personality scandals, to being linked with ‘dating’ (see: ruining the image of) idols and chaebol’s alike. right now, he’s currently battling a lot of unwanted publicity because of a misunderstood interaction online against a wealthy sweetheart that went sour. 

> while jun might be generally unsympathetic and analytical when it comes to developing relationships with people that’ll last long-term, he's a bleeding heart when it comes to kids who may have experienced the same lonely upbringing as he did, without the financial gains. right now he spends sunday’s teaching a bunch of local foster home kids how to skate, and is trying to fund a couple of sports scholarships for those who show promise under a fake name, just generally being a good ‘ole guy.

> his family do not approve of his job, ofc. in fact neither of his parents have ever attended any of his matches to this day, and are only on semi-decent terms with him because jun begrudgingly is still tied by name to the business and shows his face at events for all of 30 minutes until he physically can no longer maintain pleasantries. his celebrity image perhaps is one thing they can manipulate, and even then, jun could get into scandals galore and still be doing his job. good press, bad press, it has the kong’s family name at the forefront of peoples’ minds, which always brings forth revenue.  

> pros: could be a lot worse considering his upbringing, collected, and level-headed most of the time. wicked good at sports, and keeps a cool head in a tough situation. ambitious, curious, a little reckless. eager to prove himself, rich? and very endeared to people/places he finds fascinating. which are many. knows where the good, authentic chinese cuisine is. hardworking and very interested in the idea of Progress.

> cons: the most private person alive, will not divulge any palatable information about himself or his feelings. devil's advocate always. will put himself and others at an arm’s length the second he feels (disgusted noises) e-emotions (love, namely). gets bored easily. paranoid, leads with the head more than the heart. friends > > > family. a little self-involved, never fucking sleeps - will be that neighbour you can hear padding around above your apartment at 3.05 am like it’s mid-day, aaaaand Loves Winning Above All Else

* personality & relationships.

> like many others, jun has his fair share of surface-level friends. he’s quick to be interested in people, to get to know them better, but it's difficult for him to get closer than that after a childhood of being picked up and dropped by those who looked over him - which kinda has left him with abandonment issues.

> he’s a curator of neat things that aren’t too overtly complex, and that includes friendships. so if you have something unusual about you, whether it's a talent or a way of thinking, he would be inclined to get to know you better. also, he has a lot of leverage with his job. being friends with a sports star slash million dollar trust fund baby who can get you free shit never hurts, just don’t befriend him for the perks, yanno?

> jun is very dedicated to his vision of things, and can sometimes be very obstinate in the way he a) wants them to be done b) doesn't accept other options, think steve jobs. he's very mercurial and can be nice one minute but isn't afraid to switch to hardass boss to get things done and did.  > he is insanely competitive and his strive is drawn out by always wanting to be on top. truly first child material. that's the kind of guy he is, with standards that do not reflect his passive side too well, which sometimes can get him into some “personality” scandals. he is driven, motivated, always looking for ways to be winning.

> i'm sure someone is bound to hate him, he’s probably got a few accounts online dedicated to a steady stream of shit-talking, given his cutthroat status or holding many hockey cups.

> jun doesn’t think too much about his sexuality - he'd probably best be labelled as pan, but leans towards those who identify as women? because of his current placement in a workspace, and with a cultural identity, that both don’t often lend themselves to lgbtq+ rights, i doubt he’d ever make that public.

> he works amongst some of the fittest people in the world, he knows how to appreciate beautiful bodies, but he's not about to discriminate. he's tragically a committaphobe and isn't interested in anything long-term right now, although i think it'd be funny if someone tried. he's very open for flings and one-night stands and even a friends with benefits sort of set up. 

* wc’s.  >  bring me his baby bro and sis. i command u. i have many thoughts  >  somebody who maybe gets in on his foster-kid situation? idk maybe they have a perception of jun being what he is in the articles they read of him, but they see him and are like <3_<3 he actually real Nice huh. i see this being romantic but it could bloom a really nice, wholesome friendship too. >  enemies. not gonna lie, he doesn’t vibe with rich kids w / a stick up their ass, especially since a lot of the people he works with aren’t from exorbitant families. people who loathe him for declining to take over his families’ business? like the boy can’t even name more than 3 artists off of the top of his head?   > fwb except neither of them know what “just friends” mean.  > i would love if jun had a confidante. a best friend, a partner in crime, a total bromance 'cause i can never get enough of those. whatever label you ‘wanna put on it. wiping up each other’s messes. maybe a Betrayal in the works  > again, gonna be a wc, but i would love a “rival” of jun's on a similar level (or bigger)  that’s entirely fabricated based off of trashy articles or a misunderstood interaction online. bonus points if they’re an absolute sweetheart, well loved by most people, and generally the antithesis of jun with his multiple drug/personality rumours, which in contrast, make him seem like the bad guy. 

> party buddy. this guy hasn’t touched alcohol/cigarettes/any other stimulants since he was underage and wanted to rebel. the word “relax” does not exist in his vocabulary. Help

[vr2]

haha anyways genshin must be on some wild fucking shit if they think theyre gonna try and drag out their main story for like 2 years. on god having like half a year between main chapters of its already weak spindly little story is like mindboggling decision i do not trust your storytelling skills at all to make any of the hype worth it but i also think thanks to the general playerbases inability to read they will continually feel disappointment at how poor genshins main story content is and how it is purveyed to the reader especially in comparison to the lore which is completely jarring in quality of delivery.

in the archon quest at the end of liyue chapter you get a lore dump from zhongli where he just stands there and gives you like 3 quest prompts about shit that exists for no reason other than idk “they needed to put the plot threads in there asap and they forgot they had an entire world to do it in” and then that mf disappears. forever. literally exiled from the overworld unless you pay like ninety quid to summon him on his banner. not to mention every single other npc you meet will never appear again outside of their instanced quests. it’s such a weird jarring end point that you’re left stranded in and its not only a frustratingly awkward delivery, it honestly just seems pointless. why couldn’t there have been an extended epilogue that involves talking to the npc character FROM inazuma, talking to beidou who is a pirate with an electro vision about idk ... travel and her ELECTRO vision being granted which is a feat she in known for in the lore of liyue folk. it could even be someone from the qixing like ningguang who surely would know about the status of foreign nations or keqing who has an electro vision and would absolutely have something to say about baal’s stance on things and her condescension towards humans. god it could still even be zhongli just space it out, let him invite us to dinner and chat over liyue cuisine and let inazuma come up naturally thgouh paimons huge appetite to eat new things. not only would the pacing be better, the plot threads be put in a way where you dont immediately forget them because they’re being rapidfire talked at you, but it would be a great way to make the character seem like theyre people with lives and not just trying to move the plot along and be on their way.

conversely, the story of arundolyn and rostam, the legends of mondstadt and the ordo favonius, the lion and the wolf, the building hints towards the cataclysm of khaenri’ah and what kind of nation earned the scorn of the gods -- its all slowly fed to you piece by piece linked through artifacts, world lore, in-game books, weapons and sometimes the world itself. you uncover things as you explore and the more thoroughly you explore - the more you discover! it’s rewarding, it feels natural and its some of the most fun you have piecing together stories and building out this strange world like some kinda anime historian and it encourages theorycrafting rather than a concrete set of events and characters being straightforward. its genuinely interesting that theres a whole society and cast of characters from the days of yore who are intimately connected with our current cast and the world we live in but also very much their own interesting characters who hold their own legacies and wills, carving them into the stars for ill or good.

its almost as if the main quest writers and the lore writers are completely separate, work on different floors and they dont ever meet because why ... why on earth would you deliver critical parts of the main story in such a blatantly poor way and make it have none of the nuance and intrigue as the worldbuilding? in a game that is designed for the express purpose of making people sympathetic and invested with characters to spend silly money on them? you think your paper thin story is going to let you do that? no gacha game is allowed to have storytelling subpar to the most average middle of the pack lightnovel and get away with being a gacha game. your story has to have at least a few moments where i am dazzled, daresay fucking delighted, at least a second where i have to stop and say ‘this is cool as hell’ or ‘FUCK ITS HAPPENING’ or else it is well and truly expendably worthless non-product! you have to be a little more ambitious than making some normie shit and try and make the story have a little heart! i dont doubt that they can do it, im sure there are talented writers there since i like a lot of the characterisations but man, let em free you need them no more than ever

the only thing i can think of that explains how watered down the story feels in comparison to lore, is a fear of making people ‘read too much’ in the main quests which honestly doesnt seem to be much of an issue to them. lanternrite wasnt that long but the sheer amount of npc dialogue feels staggering because its all ultimately ... inconsequential. we have no investment into these npcs and theres like 15 odd quests of it, it goes from cool world flavour text to genuinely feels like its taking up space all because they are trying to endear you to the lives of these generic npcs when you’d rather know like even one thing about chongyuns life and daily routine or xinyans performances. being able to see kaeya for one second even was the most fun and even then i was still disappointed cause its like bro? you didnt even let him do anything and it was JUST him? in the world there are so many characters explicitly referenced but never utilised and it makes their complete absence even more noticeable and frankly fucking baffling? not even fate episodes for all of our 12 SRs? actually nevermind, even the character stories are somehow unforgivably generic!

honestly i feel like the best event so far was the unreconciled stars event but by my standards it definitely felt like ‘solid gacha game event story’ with a touch of something more interesting with the inclusion of scaramouche’s lore insight. i was hoping this his how events would be in genshin, i really thought that this was the ‘standard’ but for some reason, its beginning to seem like that event was a bit of an outlier? i would gladly take less events and have them be more like the unreconciled stars event, with character interactions and slowly improving and hashing out who these characters are over never-ending carousel of random events that are mostly fetch-quests or fluff.

idk man its just a strange mess of me enjoying genshins world and theorycrafting, loving playing the game and exploring but feeling like the ball is not bein dropped but violently slammed into the ground by the sheer lack of character content whilst being praised by everyone under the sun for ‘story’ and ‘characters’. m*hoyo do better bitch! you already made such a good roster of characters now fuckin do something with them! stop releasing new characters without bothering with any of the existing ones! i beg of you!

[meduise]

my own hibari headcanons

[reposting because of adult terminology crimes, lol]

been meaning to write down my list of hcs for a while anyway, and now i have the occasion to get to it! among the others im gonna add what i decided to avoid putting under this post and give more details about what i already wrote there

content/trigger warnings: death, assassination, mental illness, eating disorders

the list will be under the cut! it excludes my strictly shippy hcs and i may update it over time

first things first. like my own blog title suggests, i hc hibari as a trans guy.  i’m trans myself, so this is arguably the hc of mine im the most attached to for personal comfort reasons LOL. it all started when i read a fic about trans hibari a few years ago and later on i got more and more fond of this transcanon, becoming 100% personal. i also hc that he doesnt feel dysphoric. as for his sexuality i hc him as gay

we know that hibari and fon are relatives. my idea is that they’re step-brothers (different mother), and long lost to that. NOW. i realize that with the assumption of fon’s age, them being siblings is unlikely, but it shouldn’t be impossible. their father could be old enough. he got married to a chinese woman who gave birth to fon, then divorced, then got married again to a japanese woman, kyouya’s mom. (i kinda based this on my irls situation, where because of the parents’ second marriage there is at least a good 20 years of gap between the oldest and youngest sibling)

the hibari family was part of the yakuza. to answer a question that was made to me: i agree that hibari “just liking fighting” isnt funny at all. i heavily believe that there’s a psychological reason to his behavior but im going to talk about this in another point below. i also think that hibari was probably the heir to the clan, but here in my head hibari is still too young for it, like 5-6 years old.

when hibari was a child his parents got killed in the hibari household. how could they get killed in their own house, didn’t they have enough protection? they did. but the guard was low considering who turned out to be their murderers were old, trusted allies. kyouya only survived because he managed to hide properly and long enough. he didnt witness the assassination but he did see his parents in a pool of blood after everything ended. before dying, his mom left a last message to him: be stronger than anyone else. because of the trauma, even in the present hibari avoids going back to that house as much as he can and especially he never reopens the door of the crime scene. hibari also still grows into a delinquent, but he dislikes the mafia world and wishes he didnt have to be involved with it

for a while, hibari is in fon’s mother’s custody. here is when he meets fon for the first time, over time they get very attached to one another, but because of the arcobaleno matters, fon goes disappearing, and hibari ends up assuming fon has died and left him behind just like this parents did. fon reappears and goes to meet hibari in occasion of the arcobaleno representative battles and of course wit trauma resurface and about 10 years of beliefs and assumptions hibari really, really struggles with this reunion, but eventually they bond again. (for this one i dont take into account the events in the anime only arcobaleno trial events, as well as the fact that we see all the arcobalenos revived at the end of the future arc)

hibari has an antisocial personality disorder (which implies he already had conduct disorders before the age of 15). it explains his violent and criminal behavior, as well as the fact that he doesn’t feel guilty for anything he does. he also suffers from ptsd and has eating disorders (i thought about the avoidant food intake, where, among the other symptoms, a person avoids to extreme levels some types of food because of characteristics such as their pattern or their color and generally lacks appetite/interest in food)

(wears my enneagram nerd hat) HIBARI IS A TYPE EIGHT. 8w7 precisely, aka the maverick. all about type eight is basically a call out to hibari lmfao but here’s the most relevant characteristics: eights are the real stand-alones of the enneagram. eights’ basic fear is to be harmed and controlled by others, and they steel up to prevent their basic fear from happening (or happening again). below the tough facade there is a vulnerability that cant be shown to anyone. their virtue is innocence, an innocence that they once and forever lost, and hibari basically lost it when his family was assassinated. eights are also associated to the deadly sin of lu st. for hibari its not necessarily the ns fw kinda lu st, rather bloodlu st. and its one big paradox because eights want to be in control of their surroundings, but being consumed by lu st means being under something/someone else’s control (and so we’re back to the basic fear). unhealthy eights are violent, despotic, reckless. all things we see in hibari. very unhealthy eights are also those who typically may develop the antisocial disorder, reason why i listed it above

since he wants to dominate his environment, hibari controls over the namimori and especially the school to feel “security”. he managed it through illegal means and pretty much lives in the school, namichuu is also one of the few places where usually he can sleep without having nightmares

yes, hibari loves sleeping but also he gets nightmares about his past more often than not

but i also love imagining hibari gradually healing and recovering from his trauma, so i do hc that in adulthood he’s mentally doing better. he can be a leader without being tyrannical. he can be strong while also acknowledging his own vulnerability. he is able to love again, too

the reason why he has a soft spot for little animals and children, like we see for ipin, is that he (unconsciously?) sees in them the innocence he himself lost. plus tiny and cute things help him cope when he is having episodes

he also treats ipin well because she is fon’s pupil. and i love to think of them as a little family

if hibari has a ring he really likes or is emotionally attached to he makes sure to never wear it on his fingers so he doesnt risk breaking it with his flames

hibari is pretty much a nerd, in his own twisted way. i mean. he’s seen reading in a bunch of official arts and we know that he’s very fond of the wonders of the world, he started up the foundation for his box researches and he knows well how illusions work - which means he studied them. since he was moved by his hatred towards mukuro, his illusion studies must have reached an unhealthy level, becoming an obsession

fon trained hibari on how to fight against illusions as well

for hibari, finding out he has mist flames too was very much of a shock, but he eventually accepts it. he only uses those flames if really needed (like the foundation entry camouflage)

i will get back to this post when i’ll have established:

why hibari picks tonfas as his weapons (i already have an idea but i havent gone into details myself enough to write about it here)

hibari’s parents and fon’s mother’s name

anything relevant that i forgot or come up with

[intricate-oeuvre]

say it before you run out of time || B. Hardy || part III

part I  part II  part III  part IV  part V  part VI  part VII   part VIII  part IX  part X  part XI  part XII part XIII

Word count: 1.4k

Summary: Ben and the reader have been friends since childhood. And along the way reader falls in love with him. But it might be too late when another girl shows up claiming that she’s his girlfriend.

Warnings: none, horrible writing tho, probably boring as hell because it’s a filler chapter. im pretty sure that half of this fic is like angsty all the time, sorry

A/n: thank you for reading so far. love ya, sweets. also I was in such mood for like 2007-2017 songs. hmu to be tagged

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***gif- courtesy of google

Next morning you woke up way too early for your liking. Unable to sleep when your thoughts kept you up at all times. Since it was way too early you decided to go for small run around the neighbourhood. Usually when you were at Ben’s place you tow together used to go for a run.

Afterwards getting dressed and folding the yellow sweater neatly on the back of the sofa you stumbled into the kitchen. Knowing your way around, you fed Frankie while making something for yourself before leaving. While you patiently waited for the tea bag to soak in the mug of water, you stood leaned against the kitchen island and looked out the window where later in the evening will be party. Your attention was at the pool where the morning sun was making the water sparkle.

“’morning.” Deep raspy voice made you jump. Turning around you saw Ben who was sitting at the other side of the counter and making himself a cup of coffee. In nothing but sweatpants.

“Good morning.” You smiled.

“Why are you up so early?” you asked him. If you were in his place after such long plane ride you would have slept all day. At first Ben didn’t answer, just got up and walked around you to pour water for his coffee. Then sitting back down he rested his elbows on the counter, holding the mug under his nose and staring at the counter.

“Well?” you asked with raised eyebrow. Ben was still debating on the answer.

“Nina snores like a bulldozer.” He said finally taking a sip of his coffee. His answer made you snort so loudly that it made Ben look up at you.

“Don’t tell her that I said that.” He quickly added with rise of his eyebrow.

“Never.” You smiled and took a sip of your own tea, then turned around to finish making your breakfast.

“What are you making?” Ben asked politely, while fishing his phone out of pants pocket.

“Belgium waffles.” You said, cutting up some fruit to go along with them.

“Can I have one?” He asked hopefully.

“You can have two.” You chuckled and turned around with plate of waffles in your hands. Seeing the food in your hands, Ben smiled like little boy first time in candy shop.

“Hell yeah…” He grinned putting down his mug of coffee. Both of you turned at the sound from the living room and the small padding of the feet.

“Hello…” you cooed at Frankie who had graced you two with her presence. But Frankie wasn’t the only one who graced your presence, because soon enough Nina showed up too.

“Where did you go, Boo? Left the bed all cold and empty.” Nina said yawning while coming into the kitchen. B-lining straight to Ben’s lap.

“Couldn’t sleep at such fine morning.” Ben looked at you. Then Nina looked at you:

“Good morning, y/n.” her eyes slightly narrowing at you, but then she noticed the waffles.

“Oh yummy.” She grabbed the fork and attacked the closest one she could reach. You only discreetly rolled your eyes and took a sip of your tea.

“Want one?” Nina smiled at Ben while seductively putting bite of waffle in her mouth.

“Maybe later, Nina.” Ben looked at his phone, appetite suddenly gone.

“I went for a run.” You started quietly.

“And?” Nina seemed uninterested by that.

“Without me?” Ben asked instead.

“You were sleeping, Ben.” You looked at Frankie instead of him.

“And I found the leash on the shelf and I took Frankie with me. So, you don’t have to take her outside for a while. She had so much fun running along and chasing birds.” You explained and wiggled your fingers at Frankie.

“You are a fucking gem, y/n. Thank you.” Ben seemed so thankful and genuinely happy for your help.

“I better get going.” You said noticing Nina’s expression and washing your mug.

With small nod you went back into living room to pull on your shoes and grab your stuff. You were almost ready to go when Ben stopped you.

“Hey. Why are you leaving so soon?” He asked, small smile playing on his lips. Damn, you were melting at that.

“You two probably have some catching up to do and I don’t want to interrupt your breakfast.” You answered politely.

“Well, for starters, it was mine and yours breakfast.” Ben smiled.

Was it, though? You wanted to ask. So, you opt for small chuckle and dodged it:

“I’ll be back for the party in the evening. See you then, Ben.” You wanted to hug him, already taking a step closer when your eyes jumped to the kitchen where Nina was leaning against the door frame, making you stop in your tracks. You decided that having an angry girlfriend on your enemy list wasn’t something you wanted.

“Okay, I’ll be going then.” You curtly nodded and went out the door. What you didn’t see was Ben turning towards the doorway and seeing how Nina ushered Frankie out of the kitchen to go back and finish your breakfast.

 Later that day you were getting ready for the party, when you received a message. At first you thought that it was from your girl squad, but checking your phone you saw that it was from Ben.

bEnJamiN: can we talk?

y/n: like now?

bEnJamiN: maybe not now

bEnJamiN: but sometime later

y/n; we gotta a party later

bEnJamiN: but before that?

y/n: busy till the last second, sorry

bEnJamiN: got it

y/n: don’t be salty now, Ben. What is it that you want to talk about? Nina?

bEnJamiN: well you didn’t let me finish last night

y/n: that’s dirty, Ben

bEnJamiN: YOU GOT WHAT I MEANT

y/n: don’t allcaps me now, it was your own fault for choosing words poorly

bEnJamiN: can I get to the point?

y/n: yesssss

bEnJamiN: I just want to tell you what you didn’t let me tell you last night

Biting your nails, you looked down at your phone:

y/n: is this something you want to talk about on the phone?

bEnJamiN: I would prefer to talk face to face

Shit, you weren’t ready last night, you are not sure if you are ready now. You really hoped that he would tell it on the phone, so you wouldn’t have to show your tear ridden face.

y/n: okay

bEnJamiN: I’ll see you at party and then we can talk. It’s not going to take long

y/n: you sound like my mum

bEnJamiN: someone has to be responsible

After that you didn’t answer. You weren’t sure what to tell him. With doubtful mind you were getting ready for the party.

  *****At the party

Well, you didn’t think that there would be this many people. You were getting ready for like ten to twelve people. But when you stepped into the house with your friends it added up to almost 27 people.

“This was not what I imagined when I planned this.” You said to Rose while walking into the mass of people.

“Who are half of theses people?” Maddie asked on other side of you.

“I have no idea …” you drawled out. Who was playing Awolnation’s Sail at the start of the party? You glanced around, trying to find some other people you recognized. But none. Everyone was yelling along the lyrics.

“Did Ben hire extras or something?” Rose asked pulling on your hand.

“Don’t know. No. Of course, not.” You said, trying to out-speak the volume of music.

“Hey, you go girls. I need to find Ben.” You decided to get things done. As the song changed to the Call my Name by Cheryl, you made your way through crowd, someone’s hand on your wrist stopped you.

“What?” you let out confused sigh.

“Hello, beautiful. From which side of the company are you?” some young man smiled at you. It was the first time you have seen his face.

“Do I know you?” you asked politely.

“I am Brad.” Guy smiled at you. Well, that’s a generic name- you thought. Also, was he trying to flirt with you or something, because it wasn’t going well.

“I’m Y/n.” You smiled but looked around, still searching for Ben in the crowd.

“So, what brings you here?” Brad asked.

“Friend.” You answered, eyes still searching.

“I hope just a friend.” Brad smirked. Damn it, you were here because of a friend, because of a friend on whom you have a fucking crush.

“Yeah…” you nodded.

“Care to join for a drink?” Brad asked. Honestly you were in no mood for a drink at the moment.

“Maybe later.” You tried to sound polite and not like total dick. Well, Brad didn’t take it too well.

“Come on, beautiful. One drink. With me.” He said stepping closer.

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tags: @brianandthemays @queen-turtle-boiii @rogahloveshiscar @radiob-l-a-hblah @scarsout @sara-1705 @babydazz @mercurycrowley @drowse13 @ironicallyrog @moe-jazzello

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / personal / endometriosis and menstrual issues / surgery / long post / venting ... I finally had a laparoscopic surgery done yesterday and they were able to confirm for me that i have endometriosis and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! All my fucking life ive dealt with excruciating cramps and heavy bleeding during menstruation and i just wish i could go back in time and give a big 'fuck you' to everyone who ever told me "cramps are like this for everyone!" Or "just exercise, it helps!" Or "orgasms help with cramping!" Like hooooooh boy I knew it and im so glad to have all the cysts out of me now. I had previously tried numerous birth control options to prevent cramping and bleeding and got excruciating cramps with literally All of them and constant bleeding with the depo shot. (I had a very painful internal ultrasound done, to hopefully diagnose endo by that route, but it was inconclusive - variations in the thickness of the endometrium, which could be endo or it could just be normal...) Most recent birth control was an iud and i had to go to the er the same evening because my body couldnt stand to have it in there causing so much pain, i couldnt stop screaming and it sucked. The iud was a few weeks ago ((and the proceedure to insert it was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life, and the same sharp pain continued through the following days until i got it removed) and i havent been able to sit straight since, i have to keep sitting to one side in order to not feel like having an ice pick jammed in me. Its gotten better since the iud was removed, but i still get a sharp pain when i have to sit on something hard. My doctor recommended me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy with cystectomy ASAP because of the iud problems and all my failed birth control attempts. Everyone in my family freaked out and kept pushing me to not go through with it, but I knew i needed to know what was causing me so much pain, like tbh, as a trans man, id prefer just a straight up hysterectomy, but yknow either way this is a step in that direction anyway. I have an aunt who had to have the same proceedure twice because of complications, and kept telling me her horror story about how painful recovery was and i was like 'trust me its not going to be worse than an iud because i thought i was dying' and she blew me off like 'its going to be wAY worse' like uh no bc an iud was 666/10 on the pain scale for me, i genuinely thought i was dying or would have a heart attack with how bad the pain was; plus ive had surgeries before and was completely fine after... Anyway fuck what my family said i went through with it anyway and it wasnt that bad of a proceedure to wake up from! My first thought was 'oh no, did they hospitalize me? I feel like ive been asleep for weeks!!' But it was just the recovery room. Ive usually done pretty well with recovery, and this was no different. The worst part of the recovery room was the sensation of needing to cough from where they had inserted the breathing tube for anesthesia. (Today my throat is still a bit sore, and my voice hoarse, but warm mint tea has been helping a lot for that.) I was also feeling cramps similar to mild-moderate menstrual cramping, (no where near the sharp shooting pain of the iud, and no where near my normal, unmedicated cramping which has had me doubled over screaming in pain until the medicine kicks in in the past), and of course a bit of soreness from the incision sites and the general soreness of having gas trapped in my body. (They have to pump a bit of gas inside you so its easier to look around, and some of it stays trapped in you after.) Its a pain similar to what ive felt before just from my fibromyalgia in general, so i was very relieved for the most part. I also felt myself bleeding a bit while i was still in the recovery room. (Gross and tmi, but im still having a spot of blood only when i wipe today, so thats a relief after having been bleeding a majority of the days over the past few months trying different BC options.) Strangely, when i got home i didnt feel groggy or in need of a nap like i have for surgeries in the past. I was also warned of having nausea from the anesthesia, but i had none at all!! And i was warned by multiple sources that i wouldnt have an appetite, but boy i ate almost Everything in the kitchen yesterday im pretty sure ive gone through a whole box of protein bars since yesterday too. Multiple sources (including my family member who had the same proceedure) warned of a sudden bad mood drop immediately after the proceedure, And i dont wanna jinx it, but I have been in such a good fucking mood since i got home yesterday, but maybe thats just the painkillers talking, but still I was at a total low point, like, cant-get-any-lower low point in terms of mood, but i just... feel so good (besides the aching and incision site pain lmao) On to the pain now... The worst of it was waking up this morning after the surgery day. I had quite a bit of the trapped gas pain when i first lied down at night (and when i tried to lie on my side) but the feeling doubled when i tried to get up. Im very bloated still. While the bloating itself isnt very painful, it feels like the stretching of my stomach is pulling at the medical tape covering my incisions which is making them hurt. Im not getting the trapped-gas-roaming-my-body feeling As Often, but its obviously still trying to dissipate. I feel it most while trying to take a deep breath like a bubble pressing against my ribs, but easing a deep breath slowly in and out moves it around and makes it less uncomfortable. Light exercise, like slow walking, is supposed to help your body absorb/dissolve/release the trapped gas. So i did 5 minutes on, 5 off for 3 times on the slowest treadmill setting earlier and im going to try again tomorrow for the same. (I feel like it made my bloating worse, so i had to go back to resting after, but ive been getting up and down to get food for my insatiable appetite lmao) Now the actual tmi and gross stuff: It is really fucking hard to pee. Straight up i have to concentrate so hard. Normally i lean over on my arm to help push it all out at once, but i cant do that with the incisions over my belly lmao. Shitting is just as hard, but the Shit Gods have blessed me with the Antibiotic Runs this morning so im all set for today lmao. Im really bummed tho they put a bandage over where my belly piercing is supposed to go, so i couldnt put it back in after the surgery. The whole, not being able to bend over thing, is reminding me of what its like to have a fresh belly piercing, and im groaning bc im gonna have to go thru with it again to get it back.... and i feel like i jUSt got it done... (it was summer last year) ughhhhhh.... oh well, like at least this time it should go in straight i hope? Also, obligatory vent that... having a fucking uterus does not make me a woman i wish doctors and nurses would use gender neutral language... TLDR; had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and remove the uterine cysts caused by it, having a great recovery so far!! Still waiting on follow up from the doctor for my next step, but im feeling a lot better than when i was suffering cramps from every birth control i tried to get Rid of cramps