#i have a job interview this week which i should be grateful for but i'm still so unsure about what i want in life

[numetalkids]

*inhales*.....................DEEP SIGH

[thef1diary]

Little Big Fan | Nine

— Little Big Phone Calls

Series Masterlist

wc: 1.7k

Ever since you had brought Isabella home from the hospital, quite a few things happened.

Twenty-four hours after she was discharged, Tyler finally had the nerve to give you a call. You debated whether or not you should pick up the call as you glared at the screen while it rang, but then you didn't want to stoop down to his level either.

"Is Isabella okay?" were his first words, and if it weren't then you definitely would've unleashed hell upon him. "Yeah she's okay, no thanks to you," you scoffed.

Then he proceeded to claim that you didn't have the right to take Isabella home from the hospital because she was supposed to stay with him for the weekend. You sighed, rubbing your forehead, as you considered how to explain the issue to him in a calm manner.

"You weren't even there when it happened," you started, but then he had the audacity to interrupt you, "I was in a meeting."

"You're always in a fucking meeting! You left our daughter with Emma, it is not her responsibility to take care of our child." You lost your patience rather quickly, and you were glad that Isabella was currently at a classmate's birthday party so she didn't hear your argument. Leave it to her to quickly befriend others.

He was silent for a moment, "Emma is my girlfriend, and she doesn't have an issue with staying with Isabella so neither should you."

You paced around the room, having a strong urge to throw the phone against the wall. "Emma is not the problem, I'm grateful for her actually. The issue is that you need to get your shit together and choose if you want to be a father or a businessman, and quite frankly, you're doing a shit job at both right now."

You didn't wait for his response, hanging up and tossing your phone on your desk while burying your head in your palms.

Then, to make matters worse, you realized that Max's ten-day vacation was almost over, because he had to return to racing. You had quickly become accustomed to his presence and began missing him the moment he left your house a few days later.

You may or may not have hugged him for a few minutes too long on the day he was leaving, especially after knowing that he would be busy with back to back races for two weeks.

When you parted away, Max placed his palms on your cheeks and made direct eye contact with you. "When I'm back, me and you are going on that date," he stated in a tone of finality and you nodded, agreeing with him. "I'll be waiting."

Ruffling Isabella's hair until she smacked his hands away before smoothing it herself, Max had to remind her of school when she asked if he would take her to the races as well. He would have agreed if he had been a little more gullible.

"Gifts?" She settled for instead, earning a laugh from Max and widened eyes from you. "Isabella!" You exclaimed but couldn't hold back your smile at her request.

She shrugged, looking at Max, "if you want," she added. "Always," he responded, since he had already planned on buying a few gifts for both of you.

Then it was just you and Isabella, and even then you were alone when you returned home after dropping her off at school. You never had a problem with being alone at home until you experienced the joy of being with others.

—

Isabella was up bright and early on race day, considering that the race took place earlier in the morning in your time zone. However, you knew she would take a nap as soon as the podium celebrations were over, not wanting to stay up for the interviews. Which is exactly what she did after the last race you watched together, but her "tiredness" could've been due to the fact she was disappointed that Max had not won that race.

You remember the conversation you had with him after that race, and he was quite upset—rightfully so in your opinion as it wasn't a driver issue, but rather a technical problem.

"I don't think my lucky charm works from such a distance," he told you, making you furrow your brows, "what lucky charm?"

"You, of course. Please come to another race soon," he explained, earning a chuckle from you with a blush rising to your cheeks. "I'll think about it."

Today’s race was a different story, because Max had been leading during the entire weekend, always coming out on top for all the practices, qualifying, and even during the race itself.

Later that night, Max called you and you immediately congratulated him for the win. "See, you don't need a lucky charm." He made a sound in denial, "I think it's because I called you right before getting in the car, but we can test it properly when you're at a race again."

"You'll have to try harder than that to convince me," you teased with a chuckle. "I have two more weeks to convince you in person, I think I can manage."

"You're going to be here for the whole two weeks?" You could hear the grin in his voice, "I'm flying out in two days, plus the last time I checked, I have a date with the most attractive woman I know and I am not cancelling those plans at all."

You muttered his name, "did I ever tell you that you're the sweetest." He hummed, "maybe, but I don’t mind hearing it again."

"You're the sweetest, kindest and I'm glad you're coming back."

"Did you think I wouldn't?" You shrugged, "well, I thought you would be busy with the season and all." He was quiet for a moment, making your jaw drop, "you didn't."

He hummed and you gasped, "Max..."

"Yes, schat?" He pretended as if nothing was wrong. "Did you cancel any plans for the week?" You asked, slipping past the unknown word he used, knowing that you'll be searching it up later.

"None were as important as flying back to you, but I think that Christian is keeping an eye on me," he revealed and while you wanted to comment on his words, you were intrigued by his boss. "Why's that?"

"He keeps wondering why I am more interested in my phone than the meetings." You couldn't hold in your laugh, "Max, I had no idea you were in meetings while texting me."

Before the conversation could continue on, you heard pitter patter of footsteps coming down the stairs. You noticed the time, and it was past Isabella's usual bedtime so you wondered why she was still awake.

"Hold on, Max, I think Bella's awake." Isabella walks towards you with a shy smile, quickly climbing onto the couch and cuddling you.

You didn’t hang up, instead you put your phone on the side as you wrapped your arms around her. "Mama, do I have to go to daddy's next week?"

"You don't want to?" You asked while brushing your fingers through her hair. You felt her shrug, "I don't know."

"Did something happen?" You pulled back to see her face that had a frown growing. "I met Emma,"

"Yeah? How is she?" Her frown turned into a small smile as she thought of Emma, "very nice, she plays some games with me, oh and we baked together too."

"That's good..but?" You urged, watching her small smile slip back into a frown. "But daddy doesn't spend time with me anymore and he says bad things about you."

You raised your brow, wanting to focus on your daughter's words before you think about having another conversation with Tyler. "Like what?"

"He says that you're not a good person but I think you're amazing! You're the best mama in the whole world." Her little arms reached around you, placing a small kiss on your cheek.

"Aw thank you, angel," you peppered kisses all over her cheeks until she started giggling.

"So do I have to go?" She asked, snuggling up next to you while fighting back a yawn. You shook your head, "no, if you don't want to, then you don't have to go."

"Good, I want to spend time here, with you and Maxy," her toothy grin was back as soon as she mentioned him. "With Max? You like him?" You could've guessed her answer but it was reassuring when she nodded, "sooo much, he's so nice and he buys me ice cream and glittery clips."

You threw your head back with a laugh, "oh Bella, you can't just like him because he buys things for you."

"But mama he's also nice and he makes you smile." She stated, making you snap your head towards her, and you could see her smile turning a little mischievous.

"What?" She shifted in your lap, wrapping her fingers in your hair as she continued speaking, "I like it when you smile and he makes you smile, right mama?"

"Yeah he does." You glanced at the phone, the call still ongoing so you know Max heard every part of your conversation.

Looking back at your daughter, you suggested, "why don't you go back to sleep, you have school tomorrow morning."

"Can you read me a story?" She asked with hopeful eyes, and you quickly nodded, "of course, why don't you get all comfy in bed and I'll be right there?"

"Okay mama." you kissed her forehead before she slid off your lap, running back upstairs.

You pick up the phone again, "are you still there?" Max hummed in response, "yeah, I'm here."

"I'm guessing you heard everything," you didn't mind it at all, but still needed confirmation. "I did. She not wrong, you are an amazing mother." He chose not to comment on the topic relating to your ex, knowing that it would ruin the mood.

"I've had help lately," your tone indicates that you're speaking of Max as help. "I try."

"Before Bella comes back down to ask for you again, I have to say one thing," Max started and you urged him to continue, "go on,"

"You make me smile too," he stated, reiterating the comment made by your daughter.

Taglist: (continuing the taglist in comments) @xjval @mrsmaybank13 @cherry-piee @urfavnoirette @solphin @burningcupcakefire @nessacarty1 @dreamsarebig @omgsuperstarg @fanficweasley @redbullgirly @llando4norris @wonnou @randomgirlnumber13 @dark-night-sky-99 @chanshintien @leilanixx @gisellesprettylies @peachiicherries @monsieurbacteria6 @67-angelofthelordme-67 @arian-directioner @distancedss @morenofilm @sachaa-ff @lighttsoutlewis @teamnovalak @casperlikej @sadg3 @d3kstar @lewisvinga @lpab @queenofmanydreams @glitterf1 @honethatty12 @drunk-teens-doing-drugs @its-avalon-08 @yourbane @oconswrld @noneofyourfbusinessworld @ssrcsm @softtina @hockeyboysarehot @formulaal @namgification @tallrock35 @bloodyymaryyy @formulanni @ellouisa17 @phantomxoxo

[leahrintarou]

☠︎︎ DAY EIGHTEEN: STRESS FT. KENMA

☠︎︎ WARNINGS: stress sex, fingering, stimulation, cunnilingus

☠︎︎ WORD COUNT: 1.1k

y/n :) --> kenma <3

'good luck today, kenma. I hope I get to see you soon'

kenma lost count of how many time's he's read over the message. he missed the sound of her voice. reading just text messages alone, only made his situation harder. quite literally. prior to the two's temporary long distanced state, he was notified of a mandatory meeting and interview dedicated to famous content creators in the gaming field.

at first, he was going to decide against going, despite it being mandatory but, he was forced by y/n to attend the occasion. even though they lived in the same house, in the past month and a half, they've been distant and caught up with their own occupations. when it came to getting rest for another busy day, that was the only moment they'd been able to spend with each other.

kenma was sure that the next two weeks were going to be a small break for he and y/n but when he received the email about the situation, he couldn't have felt more deceived. now, here he was, sitting in a secluded area of the crowded building, all to which were made up of fans, interviewers, etc.

he scrolled through his phone to pass through time, not even realizing that he were reading though older text messages shared between he and y/n. he even listened to some voice messages but his eye's widened when he came across two older pictures that were sent by y/n.

'should I get this in burgundy or blue?'

was the text message sent under those pictures of her wearing both sets of detailed lingerie. kenma's eyes couldn't part from the images displayed on the screen. in fact, he didn't realize his memorized daze until the brightness of the screen dimmed from inactivity. he blinked at the image, hurrying to scroll away before his thoughts could form mental images of non-innocents scenes.

a knock was heard on the door before kenma stood up to unlock the knob. he was met with one of the stagehands. "kenma, you're up" he announced before quickly hurrying off to his next destination. he let out a sigh, placing his hand over the entirety of his face before allowing it to fall back down to his side and into his hoodie's pocket.

----------

"thank you for your time, kenma" the interviewer said through a grateful tone. kenma nodded before giving a small smile to the crowd and stood up to walk off backstage, allowing the next content creator their own spotlight with the audience and interviewers.

he decided to wait in his own room, until everyone was interviewed so after, he could attend the meet and greet that was being planned. kenma was dreading that moment. he weren't in the best of moods what so ever. he tried to put up and hold a facade for the entirety of the interview but in some parts, it did falter.

finally arriving Infront of his secluded room, he twisted the doorknob, noticing how it was now unlocked. he wasn't sure if he'd left it like that due to his mind focusing on other things so, he brushed it off.

kenma opened the door, walking over to the sofa to finally take a seat in the confinements of the quiet atmosphere, but froze in place when he was instead met with y/n's seated figure. "hi kenma" she smiled, standing up to engulf his frozen figure in a hug or else they'd be standing there all day.

"how-"

"the security guys don't do their jobs very well" she mumbled, only smiling when kenma's arms wrapped around her own figure. he felt how he pulled her closer to himself, not missing the fact that she felt one of those familiar and quiet breaths fan the shell of her ear. "kenma, are you okay?" she asked, feeling him shake his head to reply with a 'no'.

"I missed you"

"I did too, but I'm here-"

"every part of you"

he pulled back from the long lasting engulfment, this time it was y/n who was frozen in shock. kenma placed a kiss onto her lips, letting out a sigh of satisfaction when she pressed against his own. inhaling a sharp breath, his hand made it's was to her lower back, applying a pressure to bring their hips closer to each other.

while keeping a steady movement with their enveloped lips and tongues, kenma guided y/ n to lay onto her back, against the plush of the sofa, before hovering above her figure, not letting their kiss part for even one second. he quickly moved his hand to her pants, unbuttoning them before removing them from off of her legs.

y/n shivered at the touch of kenma's cold hands against her bare skin. he slowly parted her legs with a hand to separate her thighs. "kenma.." she mumbled. he hummed before parting the kiss to place small kisses to her hips and her clothed sex. he noticed how she wanted the pleasure just as much as he did, causing him to hastily remove her underwear.

his hand made it's way to y/n's arousal before inserting two digits into her sex. she immediately placed a both of her palms over her mouth, muffling her moan the best she could. the situation only became more of a pleasure filled struggle when kenma's moved his fingers in a scissoring motion, his wrist moving back and forth.

he couldn't help but feel painfully aroused at the sight. kenma placed a warm stripe against y/ n's bud with his tongue, noticing how a whine slipped past y/n's barricading fingers. he raised his unoccupied hand, using its index finger to place against his lips, to remind her to try and keep her sounds at a lower volume.

he knew that y/n wouldn't be able to fulfil that request when he only and teasingly, sped up both motions of his fingers inside of her. kenma reapplied his mouth against her bud to speed up the process of helping her reach her peak and soon enough, it did arrive, causing him to quickly reach up to cover her mouth, all the while, helping her ride out her high.

the situation and sight made him acknowledge his aroused erection, quickly removing his hand from y/n's lips to replace it with a peck from his own.

"i have to meet some fans in a couple minutes. I need you to help me with this" he motioned to his lap, making y/n's eyes widened when it darted from kenma to the clock. "kenma..you have five minutes left?"

"then lets hurry"

[holdupjack]

The Assistant

——————

Pairing: Hermione Granger x Fem!Reader

AU: Minister Hermione

WARNING: None

——————

Third Person P.O.V:

First Month As Minister

Hermione let her leg shake as piles of paper and documents were scattered around her desk, some had fallen off onto the ground at some point.

She had spent her whole life trying to make a name for herself and she had finally done it. Yet, that didn't mean things got easier.

It got more difficult. Much. Much. More difficult.

She had no one to lean on anymore. Ron had moved out last year after their divorce was finalized, and they never had children so...

She was alone now.

Harry had convinced her to at least splurge on hiring an assistant at work. Hermione could be less stressed and maybe make a new friend.

After a week of going through resumes, she found the perfect person for the job. A woman named Y/n Y/l/n, she's had outstanding recommendations from her former employers.

They had a phone call interview, and Hermione enjoyed talking to her and learning about Y/n's goals and strengths in the workplace. The older woman was quickly swayed into hiring her.

Knock! Knock!

Hermione's eyes flicked up to find a young woman at her office door, she had a nice shirt and dress pants on. Very much on the masculine side of fashion, but the Minister thought she pulled it off quite nicely.

"Yes? May I help you?" Hermione asks as she raises an eyebrow. She should have been panicked to find a random person in her office, but she knew her security wouldn't have let her in if she didn't have clearance.

"Good Morning Minister! My name is Y/n Y/l/n, your new assistant" she explains and Hermione quickly stood up to greet her as she walked in.

They shook hands as they beamed at one another, happy to finally meet.

"Oh, Y/n! I completely forgot that today was your first day, please forgive me" Hermione chuckled nervously as their hands dropped, but the new assistant still grinned.

"It's quite alright, I'm ready to work" she replies as Hermione seems scrambled to think of something for her to do. Y/n immediately took notice.

"May I help you organize?" Y/n asked as she stepped towards the side of the desk, watching as the brunette was frazzled slightly from her panic.

"If you can figure out a system, I will be forever grateful," Hermione says with a small sigh as Y/n looks over the piles of work that are scattered all around the room. She made sure not to step on anything.

"Let's see..."

——————

Y/n spent the day sitting on the ground next to her desk as she figured out the best system for the new Minister.

Hermione was mostly out of the office for the day, but when she returned from her meeting with the head of the Law Department. She was surprised to find her office clean and organized, with even a bag of food from the local Chinese restaurant.

Her eyes looked around to find her new employee and soon found her eating at her desk in the hall across from her office door.

How hadn't she seen her when she walked in from the elevator? She must really be in her mind today.

"Did you grab food for yourself as well?" Hermione asks. The last thing she'd want was for her assistant to not take advantage of free food on the Ministry's dime.

"Yes Minister, how was your meeting?" Y/n replied as she ate her food, her eyes shifting to meet her boss.

"Long." Hermione states as she chuckles softly and sits on the corner of Y/n's desk, a quiet sigh leaves her lips.

"I love my job, but arguing with a man with an inflated ego really puts a damper on it" she continues as Y/n looks up at her with a small smile.

"Weren't you married to a man with an inflated ego?" Y/n asks to which Hermione blinked a few times before she responds. Then her face flushed.

Y/n almost apologized immediately for such an intrusive question, but something held her back.

Sometimes Hermione forgot that her life was back in the spotlight again after being so long in the shadows.

"I was" Hermione chuckled in return she cleared her throat from her initial shock from the question. Granted, it was inappropriate to ask, but the Minister didn't see any harm from answering truthfully.

"Then you can handle the likes of these man-children with ease" Y/n grinned as she leaned back in her desk chair, it tilted slightly.

Hermione began to laugh, covering her mouth for a moment, acting like they weren't the only people on this floor.

"You're right, if I can survive seven years with Ron, then I can survive a few hours with them," she says with a smile of her own, Y/n noted in her mind that this was the first time she had smiled genuinely today.

Y/n nodded in agreement, appreciating Hermione's ability to find strength and resilience in the face of adversity.

"It takes a strong person to handle difficult situations with grace," Y/n remarked, her admiration evident in her voice.

Hermione smiled warmly at Y/n's words, feeling a sense of camaraderie with her newfound acquaintance.

"Thank you," she replied sincerely.

"It hasn't always been easy, I've learned to navigate through the challenges." She paused for a moment, reflecting on her journey.

"I suppose it's a testament to the power of friendship and the importance of standing up for what you believe in." she finishes, as her mind goes back to Hogwarts. Y/n nodded, their eyes meeting in understanding.

"Yes, I can see how your friendships have played a significant role in shaping who you are today," she said thoughtfully.

"And it's inspiring to see how you've used your platform to advocate for change and equality," Y/n says as she gazed into Hermione's eyes. Hermione's smile widened, her eyes shining with gratitude.

"Thank you, Y/n. It means a lot to hear that." She took a moment to gather her thoughts before continuing, her voice filled with determination.

A soft blush did make its way onto her cheeks though.

Hermione took a deep breath as she went back to her desk, feeling a surge of confidence wash over her. It was time to dive headfirst into her role as Minister, to embrace the new responsibilities that lay before her.

The challenges she faced were immense, but she was determined to make a difference and lead with integrity.

As she settled back into her office chair, she glanced around the room, now neat and organized thanks to Y/n's efforts.

The piles of papers that had once overwhelmed her were now neatly stacked, ready to be tackled one by one. It was a small victory, but it gave Hermione a sense of control amidst the chaos.

With renewed focus, Hermione turned her attention to the stack of documents on her desk. Each file represented a different issue, a different decision to be made. She knew that her decisions would shape the lives of countless individuals and impact the future of the wizarding world.

She picked up the first document and began to read, absorbing the details and considering the potential consequences of each choice.

It was a delicate balance, weighing the needs of the community against the limitations and resources available. She knew that she couldn't please everyone, but she was determined to make decisions that were fair and just.

As the hours passed, Hermione found herself engrossed in the work. The weight of her responsibilities was both exhilarating and humbling.

Y/n watched from her desk across the hall, observing Hermione's dedication and passion. She admired the way Hermione approached each task with a meticulous attention to detail, never wavering in her pursuit of justice.

Y/n had seen many leaders in her career, but there was something different about Hermione. She possessed a rare combination of intelligence, empathy, and unwavering determination.

After a long day of decision-making and policy review, Hermione finally leaned back in her chair, feeling a mix of exhaustion and satisfaction. She glanced at the clock on her desk and realized it was already late in the evening. The day had flown by in a blur of paperwork, meetings, and discussions.

Y/n, sensing Hermione's weariness, stood up from her desk and walked over to the small kitchen near their work space and began to make a kettle of tea. She whistled as she sat on  counter and waited for the water to boil on the stove.

Hermione's eyes flicked up for a moment when she heard soft whistling, and when she didn't spot Y/n at her desk, she furrowed her eyebrows.

"Y/n?" She called out, but when she didn't get a reply back, she almost stood up to investigate, but another document caught her eye.

"For fucks sake, another high insurance cost for the Jinx Removal floor?" Hermione mumbles to herself.

Y/n soon walked towards her office. She knocked gently on the door before entering, a tray of tea and biscuits in her hands.

"I thought you could use a break, Minister, you've been working tirelessly all day." Y/n said, setting the tray down on Hermione's desk.

Hermione smiled gratefully, appreciating Y/n's thoughtfulness. She poured herself a cup of tea and took a sip, the warm liquid soothing her tired mind.

"Thank you, Y/n," Hermione said, her voice filled with genuine gratitude.

"I couldn't have made it through today without your support...I honestly probably would have been a wreck" she chuckles fo herself as Y/n nodded, a soft smile on her face.

"It's my pleasure, Minister. I'm here to assist you in any way I can." Y/n replies as Hermione offered her a cup as well. She watched as her assistant sat on the loveseat in her office and gave a quiet sigh of relief.

As they sat there, sipping tea and enjoying a moment of respite, Hermione felt a sense of camaraderie and trust between them. Y/n had quickly become more than just an assistant; she had become a confidante and a source of support.

"I must admit," Hermione began, her voice tinged with vulnerability.

"Being a Minister is more challenging than I ever imagined. But I'm determined to make a difference." She sighs softly as Y/n's eyes sparkled with admiration as she looked at Hermione.

"And you will, Minister. Your dedication and passion are evident in everything you do."

Hermione's resolve strengthened, fueled by Y/n's words of encouragement. She knew that the road ahead would be filled with obstacles and difficult decisions, but she also knew that she had the support of her team and the unwavering belief in her own abilities.

As she finished her cup of tea, Hermione couldn't help but feel a sense of optimism. The first month as Minister had been a whirlwind, but she was ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead. With Y/n by her side, she knew that together they could make a real difference in the wizarding world.

And so, Hermione closed her eyes, taking a moment to savor the quiet before the storm.

——————

A couple months later...

In the months that followed, Hermione found herself drawn to Y/n in ways she couldn't quite explain. It was more than just admiration for her work ethic and intelligence. There was a connection—a spark—that seemed to grow with each passing day.

As they worked side by side, discussing policies and strategies, Hermione felt a sense of ease and comfort in Y/n's presence.

Their conversations went beyond work, delving into personal anecdotes and shared interests. Y/n's wit and charm were captivating, and Hermione found herself looking forward to their interactions.

One evening, after a particularly long day, Hermione sat in her office, reflecting on the events of the day. Her thoughts kept drifting to Y/n, and she couldn't help but wonder if there was something more between them.

The idea both excited and frightened her—excited because she hadn't felt this way in a long time, and frightened because she didn't want to jeopardize their professional relationship.

Taking a deep breath, Hermione decided to confide in her closest friend, Harry. She knew he would provide the guidance and support she needed.

The next day, during their lunch break, Hermione found herself sitting across from Harry at a small café near the Ministry. She hesitated for a moment before finally speaking up.

"Harry, I need to talk to you about something," Hermione began, her voice filled with a mix of anticipation and apprehension.

"Of course, Hermione. What's on your mind?"

Harry asks as he raised an eyebrow, his green eyes curious. Hermione took a sip of her tea, gathering her thoughts.

"It's about Y/n, my assistant," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I think... I think I might be falling in love with her."

Harry's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly composed himself, clearing his throat and leaning forward slightly.

"Well, that's quite a revelation, Hermione. Have you spoken to her about your feelings?" He asks quietly as he stared at her. Hermione shook her head, her curls bouncing slightly.

"No, not yet. I wanted to talk to you first, get some perspective." She replies as Harry leaned back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Well, Hermione, love can be complicated, especially in a professional setting. But I've seen the way you two interact, and there's no denying the chemistry between you." He states with a small smile as he thought back on the times he gone up for a quick chat, and found them in such a deep discussion that they didn't even notice him there.

A blind man could hear their longing and teasing whispers back and forth were much more than casual banter.

Hermione's heart skipped a beat, a mixture of hope and fear flooding through her as she took in his words.

"Do you think it's wise to pursue this, Harry? What if it doesn't work out? I don't want to lose her as a colleague or a friend." She asks, thinking of all the HR department meetings she's been in recently.

Harry reached across the table and placed a comforting hand on Hermione's. He had his comforting smile shining brightly, like he use to when she was to much inside her head,

"Love is always a risk, Hermione. But sometimes, the greatest rewards come from taking those risks. If you truly believe there's something special between you and Y/n, then it might be worth exploring." He says as he leaned back and took a sip of his coffee, which was now a bit cold. Hermione nodded, her mind filled with swirling thoughts and emotions.

"Thank you, Harry. Your advice means a lot to me." She replies with a soft breath as she ran and nervously hand through her curls.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Hermione contemplating her next steps. She knew that she couldn't let fear hold her back from what could potentially be a beautiful connection.

But she also didn't want to lose her job and be known as the Minister with the shortest time in office.

As the days turned into weeks, Hermione found herself unable to shake off her growing feelings for Y/n. She longed for a deeper connection, a chance to explore what lay beneath the surface. She knew that it was time to have an honest conversation with Y/n, to lay her cards on the table.

Question was, would Y/n fold?

Hermione was currently in her office, going through this months expenses spreadsheet. Her eyes darted over the too many zeros that landed on the total sum, which only made her want to run her head through a wall.

"Are you alright, Minister?"

She jumped and looked up to find Y/n leaning against her doorframe, a small raise of her eyebrow.

"What? Yes! No! Wait, what was the the question?" She coughed out in surprise,

Smooth Hermione, smooth.

"I asked if you were alright" Y/n chuckled as she walked in and sat at one of the two chairs in front of Hermione's desk.

"Oh! I'm fine. Just looking over the expenses" Hermione sighs out as Y/n grinned slightly, a glint of understanding in her eye.

"You saw that number too? I don't think I'd ever make that much in two lifetimes" She chuckled as Hermione began to smile, her hair falling slightly in her face.

"You think you could have that much in three lifetimes?" She asks and Y/n sighed, a soft smile on her lips.

"Fine. Six lifetimes." She admitted, making Hermione snicker softly as she put the paper away in one of the piles. She'd deal with it later.

Her eyes flickered to the clock that hung on her wall and she was surprised to see it already 9 p.m. Their eyes reconnect as Hermione straightened her back and took a small deep breath.

"You should really get home Y/n. It's so late now." Hermione sighs as she grabbed another stack of folders from her 'IN' box. How she wished she still was able to go home at regular times.

"I don't go home till you do" Y/n hummed as she rested her leg over the other and watched her Minister stress about things that could very much wait till tomorrow.

Hermione looked back up at her with a soft chuckle, this wasn't the first time Y/n had said this, and it probably wouldn't be the last.

"You're loyalty to me is unmatched" Hermione whispers as Y/n grinned even more, making the Ministers face feel hot as she could hear Harry's words from the Cafe echo somewhere in the back of her mind. She had to confess her feelings, it was now or never.

"Of course" Y/n replied as she stood up and walked over to Hermione's desk, grabbing half the stack of folders, and walking back to the seat.

Hermione took a steadying breath as Y/n sat back down, their eyes meeting once more. In those piercing eyes she saw kindness, dedication, and something else she dared not name, at least not yet.

But the hours were growing late and she knew her courage would fade with the light if she did not speak her truth now.

"Y/n, there is something I must confess." Her voice came out soft yet resolute. Setting her quill down, she folded her hands as if in prayer to steady them.

"These past few months working together, I have come to rely on you not just as my assistant but as...as someone very dear to me. Your support and friendship have meant more than I can say." She paused, afraid to continue yet knowing she had come too far to turn back.

Would Y/n understand? Return her feelings? Or would this truth destroy the bond they had built? Only one way to find out.

"What I'm trying to say is...I care for you as more than a colleague or friend. My affections have grown beyond what is appropriate. I understand if this makes you uncomfortable and of course nothing needs to change. Your friendship is most important to me. I simply couldn't bear not speaking the truth, for fear of what might have been." She states, her words hung between them, freighted with vulnerability and hope.

A gentle smile spread across Y/n's face as Hermione spoke, her own cheeks flushing pink in response. One did not earn the position of Ministry assistant without possessing a cool head in delicate situations, yet even she found herself momentarily flustered by such raw honesty.

"Hermione," she began, settling into a relaxed yet attentive pose as if to set them both at ease.

"I must admit I had hoped my own feelings were not so transparent. You have been quite inspiring to work for, though 'inspiring' fails to capture all that I feel." Y/n whispers, her eyes held Hermione's gaze steadily, conveying warmth and care beneath the subtle tease.

"Say rather that serving you has allowed me to see your true heart - wise, compassionate, and now open to me in a way I dare not have dreamed. I would be remiss in my duties if I did not return such openness in kind." She states with as a playful glint entered her eye then, lightening the mood.

"So is that permission to call you something other than 'Minister' once we've left this office behind...? I believe the day calls for a walk, if you're agreeable." She asks with a grin, her smile lingered hopefully. Hermione jumped up with alacrity, her chair toppling backwards in her haste.

"Of course, I - oh shit!" She whispers as papers scattered far and wide as a thick dossier slipped off the edge of her desk, sending important documents fluttering every which way.

Y/n couldn't suppress a lively peal of laughter at the sheepish expression on Hermione's flushed face, and soon the two women found themselves giggling uncontrollably like schoolgirls caught in mischief.

"I do believe the Ministry can spare its esteemed leader for an evening," Y/n teased, rising to assist in the cleanup.

Her gentle fingers brushed Hermione's as she passed over a fallen piece of parchment, and their eyes met once more - full of mirth now, and something sweeter behind it. What a sight they must be, the usually steadfast Minister reduced to this giddy state!

Yet in that moment, surrounded by paperwork and possibilities, any shred of propriety seemed a small price to pay for the joy of Y/n's company outside these walls.

At last the disaster area was tamed, and with a flourish Y/n opened the office door.

"After you, Minister." She says, her tone held only warm affection now. As they embarked into the lamplit corridors arm in arm, a whisper of what delights the night might hold hung tantalizingly in the air.

But for the present, a stroll beneath the stars with good company would be magic enough. Our story's lovebirds had earned an evening of carefree happiness.

[hell-fruit]

Witchcraft and Manifesting

If you're tired of trying to enter the void state or anything in between I would highly suggest just doing some witchcraft.

You do not NEED the void state to have the things you want to manifest, which I'm sure is all something we should remind ourselves with the void state being something so popular right now.

Witchcraft is a physical form of prayer. Just as Joseph Murphy talks of scientific prayer, he gives modalities for how to do so but witchcraft is one of the most traditional forms that have been demonized. Thats truly how I see witchcraft, no hate or shame if thats not how your belief system operates, it just makes so much sense for me and my belief of consciousness.

As for success stories I'll share my most recent experience.

Last summer I was in a crappy job, then that job got crappier and I quit. I was jobless for four months before I decided to make a proper money bowl on the first of December. It was a nice thing to physically affirm that money was headed my way. That abundance was headed my way. Each ingredient I put in the bowl I made sure represented what I wanted, not necessarily according to the Internet but according to me. And I lit a candle and affirmed that the job was done, occasionally lighting it to affirm of feel grateful that it was finished.

I got a job that same week, offered to me. And then the next month, did the same thing as making another money bowl, a job I applied for awhile back reached out for an interview and I got ANOTHER job.

To top it all off, last week the only job that interviewed me during my time of unemployment and rejected me REACHED BACK OUT to me and called me up saying they'd opened the position back up and that I was the first person they called. On TOP of the TOP the first job that hired me in December made me employee of the month and I am being considered for a manager position.

All this because I physically affirmed through witchcraft that I am overflowing with abundance. I've been joke crying to my friends that "I'm suffering from abundance!! My money bowl worked TOO well!!"

All three of these jobs I enjoy so so much. Wish me the best of luck hopefully being able to keep all of them lololollll. Also no worries if this isn't something you can do due to religious restrictions!! And of course you do not NEED anything to manifest. This is just a modality that works for me <33

[idoltime]

Idol Time’s Second Episode featuring ATLAS’ Sim Haedam (@svtlas), aired on March 22nd, 2024 with the shows returning and permanent host, Everlast’s Cody. Once again, the video earned quick attention and was trending #3 for weeks after its initial release which was a big success for show itself.

Cody appears on screen immediately after the intro is played and the bright Idol Time logo is shown, and similar to last episode, queue cards in one hand and mic in the other, with an overstretched smile replacing the previous blank expression he wore.

“Hi, and welcome back to Idol Time! The only interview show you need to tune in for and quite possibly the best show you’ve ever seen. Obviously hosted by me, Cody!”

“I’d just like to thank everyone for the support on the first episode, like, if I didn’t feel famous before, I really feel it now and all that funny stuff. Now, let’s introduce the second guest of our show ATLAS’ Haedam!”

Cody lets a dramatic pause pass before signalling for Haedam to enter the room. He does so with a small smile and raises both his hands to wave excitedly as he walks towards his seat.

“Hello! As you already know, my name is Haedam and I am the maknae of the seventeen subunit ATLAS and formerly a member of X1!” They both clap at Haedam’s introduction before Cody raises the mic to his mouth. “Welcome, Haedam. Anything you’d like the viewers to know about you?” He questions.

“Uhm…I like playing the guitar sometimes, baking, and hanging out with my members. Oh, and I’m really interested in building legos! I also have type one diabetes, I don’t think that's been mentioned before but I’m super excited to be here! I love interviews and stuff!”

Cody smiles in response to Haedam’s energy and flips over to the next queue card for the next set of questions.

“You’ve told both me and the viewers you were a former X1 member, so how was the survival show experience for you?” Haedam sighs, looking a little uneasy at the mention of the topic.

He swallows, visibly uncomfortable, whilst he finds his words. "It was fun....overall i think? but there were definitely parts that were really awful. They focused more about our performances and stuff than anything else. if we were sick... it didn't matter. It sucked. I don't think I would do it again."

Cody silently nods in agreement, knowing exactly how Haedam felt at the time.

“Personally, I think all future survival shows should be banned, period. But nobody’s gonna listen to me anyways, guys, trust me when I say they are not all that fun. Anyways, how’d it feel to place 3rd out of all those people? That’s a pretty high rank.”

Haedam’s face softens at the slight change in topic, seemingly quite proud of himself. "It felt really good! I was so proud of myself! Of course like, it would've been cool to be first but like, I'm grateful to have made it at all."

He grins. “I was honestly so surprised, it felt unreal to know that I had done a good enough job to make it through to the end.”

“How’d it feel when X1 disbanded, was it a big moment for you?” Cody asks.

Haedam’s eyes fixate themselves on the pattern of the floor as he talks, "Woah. I mean, I cried a lot. It was really scary because I didn't do anything wrong and it felt like I was being punished. I made a lot of friends in x1 and it hurt to have them taken away from me."

The room goes silent for a little, with Cody fumbling around with the order of the queue cards until he finally gets them in the correct sequence.

“It must’ve been a tough time for you to deal with, especially since X1 was your first group but you were given a second chance as a seventeen sub-unit. How did it feel when you knew ATLAS would be debuting?”

"I was so happy to have another chance. but i was so scared about it. I had a lot of anxiety because I felt like I had some type of curse, and that maybe my new group would disband suddenly too because I was in it. I love my group members, they reassured me a lot and helped me feel better about it."

“That's great, I’m glad you’re having a better time with ATLAS. But rumour has it, you were rigged into the X1 lineup, is that true?”

Haedam’s face contorts to one of shock, horrified that anyone would ever think that about him.

"I really wasn't rigged in, guys. I promise I have the papers here."

Now, Cody looks around, surprised at Haedam’s last few words.

“Wait—How did you even manage to get something like that?” Haedam shrugs, laughing it off.

“Don’t worry too much about it. I asked for these after X1 disbanded because I felt like it was maybe my fault but it wasn't....if anything maybe I was ranked lower than I should have been."

Cody laughs along with him, “Okay, fair enough. Any scandals you want to talk about?”

“Other than the X1 scandals people don't really make a lot of bad news that trend about me? at least ones that i want to address. So, thank you?"

“You’re lucky,” Cody responds and Haedam lets out a small hum. “Before we end the interview, any extra things you need to say or any upcoming projects?”

Haedam grasps onto his mic. “I wanna say hi to my old X1 members if they're listening! Hi guys! I miss you all! and hi to my hyungs because they're definitely watching! It's supposed to be a secret...but we may or may not have a comeback coming soon. You guys didn't hear it from me though."

Cody’s face brightens, “Well, it is comeback season. Now, some final words for the viewers of this episode?”

Haedam waves frantically and quickly thinks before answering.

“Bye everyone! Thank you so much for listening to me! Please keep tuning into idol time because it's really cool! Have a great day!"

Cody copies Haedam’s wave as they wave in sync, “I couldn’t have said it better myself, see you next episode!” The video cuts to the bright blue logo before fading out into darkness once more.

[littleplasticrat]

Writer Interview Tag

I'm grateful to have been tagged by @tellmeallaboutit, @my-favourite-zhent and @beesht. Sorry it took so long for me to get around to. Honestly I am blown away that anyone would put me in a 'writer' bucket with the other word crabs

Tellmeallaboutit's interview

My-favourite-zhent's interview

Beesht's interview

My answers below the cut for some NSFW discussion

When did you start writing?

The most recent bout of writing started in December 2023 and was prompted by being insatiably horny for Gortash. This is the first time I've written fanfiction.

I wrote a short novel from 2012-2013 and would put that in the fantasy YA category about a magician who falls in love with a phoenix.

As a kid, I wrote a lot, up until around the age of 16 or so when I realised that I didn't want to live the life of a struggling artist and so set my sights on getting work with more consistent pay than writing books.

I actually do quite a lot of writing for my current job. It's industry-specific instructional writing but I feel that some of the meta-skills are applicable between the two genres.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I really only read horror short fiction recreationally, and I've only written one horror story - which I found super challenging and wouldn't really want to tackle again. Luckily, I'm able to excise the horrors by running TTRPG games and thus don't have to deal with the difficult challenge of making something sound scary.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I haven't been compared to any writers - I simply haven't written enough stuff that isn't solid filth XD

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

Up until I moved house last week, I had a dedicated home office with a large drawing tablet and my mother's boarding school desk from the 1960s. Until I can get an office set up in the guest bedroom of the new house (I'm in no rush), I'm on my laptop at the dining table downstairs or a local cafe.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I try to preach that a hobby should be treated like self-care and so not be a source of stress, but I have the heart of a procrastinator and the bones of a perfectionist; if I waited for the muse to strike me with creative stuff, I wouldn't get anything done.

So, if I'm feeling wigged out about life, I'm not going to force anything, but otherwise I have a 'smash it out' approach of breaking down the work as much as possible and going from there. Any writing I do therefore starts life as a series of bullet points of what exactly I want to happen and in what order, and I build out methodically from there.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

The thrill of fancying someone a lot? Horniness? Butt stuff? LOL

What is your reason for writing?

I want to be the freak I want to see in the world.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Any comment I get is like JAZZ HANDS. Seriously! It's so flattering to have someone slow down and look at my stuff, let alone acknowledge it.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I once read a shitty horror novel where the villain was able to destroy the protagonist's life, because she'd read all his books and so knew him. That rattled me so hard! There's no way I'm skillful enough to develop an authorial voice that isn't my own. So, like, don't think about what my disgusting fanfics say about who I am as a person please [jk]

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'd say the action is pretty clear, and I can crack a joke at the right time. What more could a reader ask for?

How do you feel about your own writing?

I would like there to be more of it but my art will take priority for now <3

I think most people I know write on here have already been tagged several times, so I shall not tag further.

[wordpress-blaze-243358206]

The one we desire is not always ours.

In life, we all chase after our dreams, desires, and ambitions. We wish that everything we desire remains with us forever, but the truth is, "What we want isn't always ours." This reality often teaches us. Despite our efforts, sometimes what we long for or love slips away from our grasp.

This experience helps us understand that life is full of uncertainties. Sometimes, the path to our dreams is not smooth, and we face failures and disappointments. However, it is through these setbacks that we learn valuable lessons—that not everything is within our control. We must remain committed to our goals while accepting the circumstances that come our way. Whatever enters our life, whether it stays or goes, is often meant to teach us something.

It's also crucial to have faith in ourselves and keep moving forward. Even if we don’t always get what we desire, we should never lose hope. Success and happiness come when we accept our fate and continue our efforts with perseverance. Ultimately, this resilience makes us stronger and better equipped to face life's realities.

In the end, life teaches us that things may come and go, but our attitude, perseverance, and acceptance define our journey. Embracing this truth allows us to grow, learn, and find peace in the ever-changing flow of life.

Source: The one we desire is not always ours.

[justxtalking]

I saw your recent post about Killugon's departure, don't you think Gon was feeling kind of determined to get over Killua and move on or something, I'm so sad for thinking that😿

Hi! I'm sorry for not answering you sooner. Busy week (:().

In my post, I said Gon was feeling determined to finish his quest/journey, which is meeting Ging (properly this time). I think this user here did a good job on explaining a bit more about it too. I thought, considering Gon's personality, that he would be feeling determined towards reaching his goal (aka. going to his father). Furthermore, afterwards we see him climb the tree like a little monkey. In my opinion, his determination is only related to this topic.

I think the anime showed more of this emotion at the moment Gon and Killua part.

In the manga, I think we see more of Gon's sadness for leaving Killua, though I think Gon is also trying to put on a brave face at that moment.

(The secret is on his eyebrows lol)

But I don't think Gon wants to move on from Killua at all, so please don't worry about it. Gon loves Killua. If it would have been for him, I think they would have stayed together to be honest. I read this answer someone gave you about this, and I think it was very well-said. I agree with them too.

In relation to Killua, I said that Gon was feeling the following (and I still stand by it):

Sad: Because he's saying goodbye to his best friend.

Grateful: Because of everything Killua has done. (Both are grateful of each other to be honest).

Guilty: Because of how he treated Killua during CAA.

I also thought he may be happy because Killua was with Alluka, but that's just my assumption.

I didn't explain further because I wanted to be concise and focus on the possibility that Gon, just like Killua, left some things unsaid between them (nothing bad, and that's just my own conspiracy theory lol). I also wanted to comment about Gon's way of expressing his feelings in general. I'm sorry if what I wanted to say confused you.

Here is a post about Gon and Killua's departure that I think you may find interesting too. That user is one of my favorites when it comes to hxh meta and they have a lot of metas in relation to Gon and Killua that you may like.

I hope it helps! This scene may be a bit bittersweet and there seems to be unresolved tension between Gon and Killua, but that's because this is not the end of Hunter x Hunter.

I always think of what Togashi said on this interview:

Full interview

In my opinion, it's an open ending made on purpose. We can have that ending as one if we don't want to continue reading the story, but that doesn't mean it's official or that it's the end for Gon and Killua. Specially taking into account that he's working on Hunter x Hunter as we speak. We will even have new chapters on September. We should just wait until it's Gon and Killua's turn again to see what's going to happen with them.

Please have a good day or night, wherever you are.

[sweetswesf]

Update

Hey Fam,

Still grinding and hoping to bring y'all good news soon. My friend/ex-colleague/neighbor who I've been on this unemployment journey with and checking in w/finally got a job. Shout out to her. I knew she would get one before me, and she got a GOOD one. Like...one I have been praying to be at. I was of course happy for her, but it did get me a little sad. I have been working really hard and I feel really far from my goal. I know I shouldn't compare, but I often feel like things take me a super long time. I'm already meeting with my old tech mentor once a week for an hour, doing practice interviews with others for another 2.5 hours a week, getting advice from engineers everywhere, attending 2-hour engineering sessions twice a week, in addition to coding/interview prepping about 6 - 10 hours a day by myself. I know I am operating on God's timing, but I just hope that I'm moving at a pace He wants me to. I am getting better at a lot of these concepts, but I feel like there is still so much I don't know. Every day it feels like I'm adding on to what I need to study. I just need to be patient and keep trying my best.

He reminds us not to be envious of others. I don't want what she wants, I want my own role, I just happen to want to be at the same company, in a similar role, and at this time. I know He has the perfect job for me.  I just am really tired and thought about how sweet her relief is right now. It's been almost 9 months since we were let go and it's been a grind all those 9 months. 9 months of no vacation planning. 9 months of spending much lower than I used to. 9 months of thinking about finances in a somewhat unhealthy way. I've learned a ton. I can cook for myself. I work out more. I'm more frugal. I pray more often. I no longer care about my appearance much or materials that I was DYING to have even months ago. Day in & day out though, it's me problem solving for hours, exhausted in the gym, always cooking & cleaning something with no car. I don't remember the last day I went without crying. Sometimes, I cry so much that I disassociate to the point where I don't even realize I'm crying. Then I snap back into my body and tears are just rolling down my cheeks. I'm grateful I have the ability & funds to do all of these things independently. A lot of people don't.

I've been through a lot. During this time I've even lost another grandparent and another family member's life support. I tried to make my grandfather's funeral and my flight and all the flights that would have gotten me there on time were canceled. My mom is about to move hours away from my hometown to live with her sister that I don't get along with. Makes me feel like I won't even be able to see her because of this and because she rarely ever visits me here. I've been given so much grace and care during this journey though. I need to appreciate what I have but I really want to know if I'm moving at the pace I should. I decided to push out the interviews of the companies I really want to be at so that I can make sure I'm really prepared for them, but will I get there in a reasonable amount of time? Reasonable as in, will I run out all of my savings? I cried. I felt bad for crying because I'm happy for her and I know my blessing is on the way. It was SUCH a mix of emotions. And I knew I wouldn't feel good if she got her role before me. And this is no diss to her. She deserves it. She's been working hard. But I have too. Sometimes when I'm doing the same thing as another person and they do better or go faster than me, which is often the case, especially when I am already giving it everything I have, I feel like there's something wrong with me. I shouldn't feel that. She's had a career slightly longer than mine, but not by much. We're battling different things and God is using us in different ways. I even started thinking, "Well damn, I know I'm living in a more Christian way than her," but that's not how God determines when and how to bless people.

I used it as fuel to work on some hard problems today, and I got a lot done. I even scoped out some more material I want to focus on that will hopefully set me apart in the future. I know timing is up to God and I have to sacrifice my timeline and trust that He's got me and has a great life planned for me. It just feels like I've been on a long streak of "bad news" in a sense? Like, fresh out of college, I didn't get the job I wanted due to racism and ended up interning in Jersey City. I was promised a full time role and they ended up rescinding it and sending me on contract to BUFFALO. Then I moved to the Bay Area and as soon as I got here, my grandmother passed, my parents got divorced, and I landed on the racist team that rejected me. I did get into tech, but I constantly faced racism and bullying there, had vision and roommate issues, and stayed stagnant in my role and salary for YEARS. I did get into a bootcamp and apprenticeship as I dreamed, but I never got the training that I needed and asked for. I didn't even know what I didn't know. I was WAYY below my level technically. Pandemic happened. I had such bad managers and teammates. I couldn't go home because my family was being unsafe, confrontational, and didn't make me feel welcomed. I moved to New York and had the WORST landlord and ended up getting sexually assaulted. I got covid on my 29th bday and celebrated it alone in a hospital bed. I was REALLY close to getting a promotion that was overdue by like 3 years and then I got let go. I've had so many heartbreaks from family, friends, and stupid boys in between and I'm just tired. A lot of good has happened and I have to appreciate that, but man...I'm VERY tired. I know I've grown tremendously and have gotten to do some amazing things and everything happens for a reason but...I'm just tired. That's it. I shouldn't get weary in well doing.

Sometimes the bad is more memorable and easier to harp on because it hits us harder. I know I'm not immune to bad days/bad times and God is putting me through it for my good, but I want to know if this is normal or if these things keep happening because I am causing these things by my actions or mindset. Sometimes I just feel like most people don't go through this. Sometimes, I wish I could just focus on working hard at my job, exercising, eating well, spending frugally, giving generously, investing in myself and the things & people I care about,, praising the Lord, etc. I don't bring drama to no one. I feel like I'm a great friend. I don't want to be at a company I don't want to be at, but will that be God's plan for me. God's plan has often not been my plan, but I have to learn to accept it with open arms and trust that it's for my good. It's just hurt. Will my next decade be full of tears and hard times like this past decade has been? Maybe I need to change my attitude around it all. I pray for that too. It feels like I am often paranoid that something bad will happen given how it feels like such bad news back to back, but I should be hopeful the future. I need to instead assume it's all good in the future and that when bad comes, I'm equipped to handle it. It's okay to admit fatigue, I've heard from pastors. Rejection is simply redirection and delay is God's protection. I just get caught up in thinking if the delay is because I'm not ready. To which, I constantly respond to with, "I'm trying my BEST!" Why does it seem like my best is so much lower than my peers/where I think it should be?

One thing about this "delay" is that I'm learning a lot of system design concepts that I think will make a HUGE difference in my interview score since my score won't be only based on coding and especially now since I'm being considered for Senior roles more and more often. Thank God. Another thing to be so proud of. This is all things I NEEDED to learn. And I need to stop trying to copy every little thing down. It's inefficient. There's just simply not enough time. I need to humble myself and recognize that. Hopefully through highlighting, quizzing and reviewing, I can get retain it.

I'm not going to give up and I hope you don't. I know I'll regret complaining about fatigue when I get an awesome role, and just the thought of even sounding just a little ungrateful doesn't feel great. i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want a relief of some sort. Whatever journey you are on, or unanswered prayers you have, just keep believing in Him, know that you're not alone and that your breakthrough is coming soon...

[modestcatholiclife]

Mid-Lent Reflections

So I'm hoping that today's post will be a little bit different. I've been thinking a lot about this blog and I realised that I've been treating it like an obligation rather than a voluntary personal project.

Since I began converting to Catholicism, things have become rather complication for me. I'm changing as a person and feel very disconnected from my friends, who are all secular, as a result. Additionally, I haven't had a great deal of success in making Catholic friends just yet so I honestly feel quite lonely. During these times, I'm so grateful to God for my lovely fiance who has been the pinnacle of support during this struggle. So this blog gives me an opportunity to talk about those things that I'd like to talk about with friends and potentially connect with people online.

I'd like to try and be a bit more personal and engaging with these posts but I believe that is something I'll find with time. For now, I'll share what I can with you.

Well, right now I'm sick. Nothing serious, I just have a stuffy nose and am very fatigued. I've had to cancel some appointments and interviews and haven't been very productive these past couple of days as a result, which is completely understandable. What's less understandable, though, is that I've honestly been really letting myself down with my Lenten fasts. I haven't been consistent with them at all and the only one I can say that I haven't broken is my fast from meat. I've been on social media almost non-stop and it's been awful. I usually have a block on my phone that keeps me out of most apps from 8pm-9am but I haven't been using it lately. I've been so unproductive for weeks now and have done little to no cleaning around the apartment. It's getting pretty bad here and I'm disappointed in myself. I was hoping to get back onto things this week but of course, now I'm sick. My prayer life has been almost nonexistent. I'm not going to continue, it's not helpful for me to engage in excessive negative self-talk and I should be directing my focus towards improvement, not despondency.

On a more positive note, my early childcare traineeship interviews went incredibly well! So well, in fact, that I was offered the traineeship on the spot during my first interview! I have the contract with me, that I will be signing and returning tomorrow (assuming I'm not still sick) and I'll be starting the job two weeks from today! I've already handed in my letter of resignation to my current job and am looking forward to this new chapter of my life.

I also went to Great Vespers on Saturday night with my lovely fiance. We've just passed the Veneration of the Holy Cross so I have included photos of the Cross from St. Andrew's after Great Vespers on Saturday and St. Volodymyr's after Divine Liturgy on Sunday. This was only my second time attending Great Vespers. I sat near the choir and did my best to participate. Hopefully if I work hard enough, I might be able to join the choir one day.

Lastly, yesterday I spent the day resting and watching movies and anime with my fiance. We watched the first episode of part six of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. So far, I'm not loving it. This is the first part with a female main character and it shows. I don't appreciate how overly sexualised Jolyne is immediately. I'll keep watching it at some point but right now, I'm not super interested. I just watched Chicago for the first time and watching another piece of media about women in prison (even if they aren't there for long) is not capturing my interest. My fiance showed me an episode of an old anime he used to like so I showed him an episode of Ouran High School Host Club, which I watched back in year 7, and he liked it so much we watched a second episode! We also watched Mad Max: Fury Road together. Later on, we watched Josie and the Pussycats, which he highly enjoyed and I would highly recommend.

[theangiediary]

people you'd like to know better tag thank youu @deanwinchesterpregnant @dyed-red

Last song: Outta Time - Natalia Kills (really the whole Trouble album) ((it IS a Dean song btw))

Currently watching: I've been having a weird time with visual media recently. Saw and disliked Barbie*, saw and loved Steel Magnolias. Very casually trying to get through late seasons spn.

Currently reading: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir. It's good, a little slow. A friend recommended it so I'm trying to get through before I see him in a couple weeks so we can talk about it.

Current obsession: uh. Kink, maybe? Honestly I haven't had a good obsession in a minute, I miss it 😔 but I'm exploring that right now. Went to a waxplay workshop earlier this week, camp later in August (if you're a east coaster and know what I'm talking about... Uh hiii 👀). Getting myself so many presents :)

Tagging: I've seen many moots hit already so taking the lame way out and saying: if you see this, consider yourself tagged!

*Barbie critique (don't read it if you liked the movie ok I'm a hater it will just upset you) ⤵️

It was fine, for an ad. By their own admission Mattel has been struggling as a business, so this- along with the theme park they're building- is to create a "Universe" rather than just physical dolls. The in-movie criticism of Mattel doing things for money doesn't it not true. Look at the sheer volume of collabs, commericals, etc that's happening.

(Same with the "if you want to make this point about not being pretty don't hire Margot Robbie!". Like, cute 🙄. You still did though.)

And as a dyke I was irritated by the treatment of 'weird Barbie'. I had bad vibes from the trailer where Kate offered the Birkenstocks as "truth" and the heels as "ignorance". And the other Barbies calling her "broken" bc she "got played with too hard".... making her only role in Dreamland to "fix" other Barbies while being sooo scary..... ew.

Which leads me to something that really irritates me: people calling this movie "queer"! No! Obviously Weird Barbie (played by a lesbian, and since it relies so heavily on star power/meta it's pretty clear what they were doing) treated poorly, and then Alan.. well. I know some Twitter Gays/Bi love to be "ooh I'm so pathetic and scared 🥺" so great rep for them, but the Kens dance being "homoerotic" after immediately following his rampant misogyny, creepiness/sexualization of Barbie, etc is not, in my opinion, good!

The second half overall was just bad. Ferrera's speech was basic (we've been saying that for 40 years. Happy for you if it you took something from it but did nothing for me). Hated the "Girlbossing through playing a bimbo honeypot" 🙄. Sarcastically grateful that Ken thought the patriarchy was horses otherwise he might have put up a fight! And don't even.. listen I was ready for Barbie not to be Confirmed trans/ace/aro, okay I'm not an idiot, put the final moment being a bait and switch- "is she going to a job interview? NO big bright smile for the gynecologist!" made me so angry. They really said "human womanhood is defined by a pussy 🙂 Please still be pretty, hairless, and happy 🙂". Are you kidding me? #feminism ????

A much better film about womanhood, growing up, and mother-daughter relationships and frankly, queer rep, is Steel Magnolias (1989). Hooo boy. Actually cried. Without spoiling it bc you should watch it, the characters actually had personalities, and conflict, and it felt like you could (and would want to) walk right into Truvy's beauty shop and be part of something. Ouiser was my favorite of course.

[self-n-the-city]

Spiraling, self inflicted or triggered?

I really thought I was going to enjoy it. I thought all of this was going to worth my time. But even in such short time I have begun to notice and wonder what I'm actually doing here. I try to be present, to be grateful for what life had offered me which I gratefully and thankfully took. I seized the opportunity and chance of securing this job in quite a whim, presumably did excellent in the interview, and in short time secured the job. But after a series of mistakes, unwelcome episodes of my returning to the old ways, and the arrival of a new person that I must share a space with, I couldn't help but wonder was this opportunity ever really mine? Was the chance actually ever given to me? Or on the worst of cases, they both were but only for three short weeks. This experience made me realize fragile my sense of self security actually is. I really thought I had it--I really thought I was healed, I had matured, but in actuality it only took a slight shift in dynamics to nudge me into a downward emotional spiral. I guess what they said was right, healing is a continuous practice of mending the hurt that left one if not many marks on your soul. It is not a journey that reaches a certain destination, or a process--a procedure that would create a product that you, and perhaps other people, could enjoy. It reminds me of having a bad knee; you undergo surgery, have sessions after sessions of physical therapy, take pills, alter your way of moving, tweak your lifestyle... However, it's only going to take a wrong leg movement or one extra move past your point of exhaustion to pull you back into that state of weakness and hurt. I might even theorize that you are always closer to being incised by that same knife and experienced the exact same scar than you are to being completely invincible. I really thought after my years of attempting to be secure and self assured, I would not be bothered by not being picked or seen. I really thought that after years of attempting to put myself first, I would not care about whether I receive validation from other people or not. Not like I hunger for validation and thirst for validation, I don't, but I realized that I it's acknowledgement that I crave. Please acknowledge that I'm doing my best, that I'm capable that I just fucked up due to my newness and not because I couldn't get it right. I wish to know why you would privately ask the new girl to help you with everything and not me. Do you hate me? Do you think I'm an incompetent fool who wastes your time? If that was the case why don't you just go ahead and rip the bandaid and run away with it. It might hurt less than this. Do you regret choosing me? Do you regret giving me a chance? Am I beyond redemption? Was my mistake that fatal to you? Should I just drop it and quit? Should I leave all things and run after what I actually want and need? Should I drop the positive demeanor and healing journey But the good news is, you will never be the same person you are on your latest swim than you were when you first enter the pool. Be it intenionally or through a falling accident, you are always going to have more, even just a little dash of it, of wisdom on your second fall compared to your first.

[not-evelyn]

I got sickies at work (read: I started vomiting) so I sent a distress call to my roommate.

I'm so grateful he was willing to take the time (over an hour) to come pick me up from my office. I'm so grateful to be back home, and I took the rest of the day off of work. I ate a quick strawberry nutella crepe (I have a bunch of crepes I made over the weekend, just popped it into the microwave) and now I'm in bed. The sky is blue with clouds outside, and the sun is streaming in through my light pink sheer curtains (I pulled the blackout curtains aside). I'm wearing my Sesame Street pajamas, and I have my laptop, my book, and my crochet project (Palmar pullover) on my bedside dresser so I can do whatever I want.

But frustratingly, my mind is so bleh. I feel kind of dreadful but also kind of like a shell of a man at the same time. I don't know if I threw up because I have some kind of illness, or if it was because of stress and anxiety. But the stress and anxiety is definitely still weighing on me. I feel weighed down by it even though I'm not working anymore, and even though I am objectively in a nice situation at the moment. I think I can't let go of the like, overall stress and anxiety of my overall predicament. I have an interview at another company later this week, which I should feel hopeful about because it's my chance to safely leave this company, but I'm even stressed out about that too because I'm not qualified for the job. I'll do my best, but I'm simply not qualified and I'm scared about the interview and I'm scared they'll think I'm not good enough or I'm a waste of their time. But I'm not physically panicking right now or anything. I'm just unable to lift my mind out of the pits. I brought all my nice little things into here, and the immediate situation is nice, but I'm still in The Pit.

Also, I need to pee but I really really really don't want to touch the soles of my feet to the floor. But I'm scared to put on a diaper in case my roommate comes out of his room (I don't have a door in my room and he has to pass my room if he wants to go to the kitchen or bathroom or wherever) because he doesn't want me to wear at home because he doesn't approve.

[leftearblind]

So this is a digital painting I did today, it took me hours to finish it and and days (3 weeks) to complete it.

But i don't feel proud, it's beautiful, but I don't feel like i should reward myself. I notice the imperfections and it's not something I'm worrying about but it is the mere fact that this my first drawing in two years.

I have been having this block for some time now, and nothing genuinely inspired me to draw nor to write (I'm also a script writer).

As especially shows/movies, I remember back in 2020-2023, I used to regularly watch shows and movies, but now, nothing but reruns or doom scrolling on social Media, which I'm slowly trying to step away.

After graduation, last year, I have been basically trying to find something permanent (a job) but been hoping to movie set to movie set, which all I am grateful for because I've gained experience and inner works of the industry and got to privilege to work alongside with artists but, then that's it. None were permanent.

I'm young and should, I guess, understand that it's okay to still be jobless whilst trying to figure out things but ngl, it's makes me feel...like I'm just sitting around, and after applying for so many jobs, getting one interview (false hope), idk....

Lol, but the funny thing is that I'm lowkey scared of is finally finding a job but it's the most soulless and less fulfilling one ever.

But hey, we gotta make that money somehow 🙇🏾‍♀️

[moonlit-clary-sage]

✨Story Time ✨

Buckle in everyone, I'm extremely extremely pissed about this situation so this post is gonna be a fucking novel sorry. Keep reading if you like stories about the horrors of living in the US, unethical management, and getting what you want through the power of being an obstinate bitch 💕💖✨

Last December I was hired on at a local grocery store as a full-time "cheesemonger." This may sound fancy but it just means that I work at the specialty deli counter where they sell all the fancy meats and cheeses bc this is like a slightly fancier than average grocery store.

I have been in the workforce since I was a teenager (10+ years) and had not worked food service since highschool, but after a very unfruitful job hunt of over 60 applications, 10 interviews and several rejections explaining I was one of the top candidates but got beat out, well I was getting desperate. (For context I have a bachelor's degree in communications and years of on-the-job internship experience, but due to a variety of reasons - ie. being disabled, being petite and woman-presenting, not liking to work for free, etc. - the career climb has not been awesome for me.)

Now at this grocery store everyone acts like I should be fucking honored to be working at the ~ cheese island ~ even though it's literally just a deli counter. Like, I get to sample some damn good cheese, but I'm making $16.40/hr washing dishes, packaging food, doing customer service, and operating a deli slicer. Like it's really not that prestigious. I'm grateful that the pay is good for a grocery store, grateful to have a job, certainly, but not over the moon about it. This is a filler job for me, a placeholder while I continue my search for jobs in my actual career.

Even with the higher-than-average wage, though, I'm still only making enough money to barely scrape by. This is due partially to the general horror that is living in the United States, and partially to the fact that even though I was hired on as full time, there is actually only enough room in the schedule for me to work 30hrs per week. In fact, I was only put in that position because they desperately needed someone to cover for another employee who is off on extended leave after having open-heart surgery. Over the course of my time there, it's been made pretty clear to me that I am just a body, and very little time and energy has been put into like training me or giving me any sort of feedback on my performance. I'm just there to save their asses for now and then they'll be done with me and probably shuffle me off to another department, or at least that's the message I've been getting from the way I've been treated here.

It's disappointing for sure, because my fiance worked at this store for 8 years and loved it until the new CEO took over a couple years ago, and my coworkers are genuinely nice and cool, but this is a temporary arrangement for me too, so I can live with it. Not a big deal. Plus, 30hrs/week puts me at what is called "full time reduced," which means that I don't get vacation/sick pay, but I do get health insurance, dental and vision after 2 months, which is the important part for me. As for the reduced wages, well between my fiance and I we're making just enough to get by and that's what matters. The situation isn't ideal but it's manageable.

Or at least it was.

Last week, it was finally time for me to sign up for the coveted health insurance. If you're not American you won't know this, but at the end of each fiscal year we have to renew our health insurance plan. Last year I was receiving health insurance through the "marketplace" which is where you can get private insurance for a discounted price that is covered by the government based on your income. Unfortunately, due to some unrelated corporate bullshit that is a story for another time, I was making less at the end of last year than I was at the beginning, which means I had to apply for Medicaid, which is the government health insurance.

I've been on Medicaid before and it's not bad or anything, the bureaucratic process behind it is just actively hostile. I no longer qualified for the government discount on my current health insurance so my coverage ended Dec. 31st. I didn't qualify for Medicaid either because I qualified for insurance through my employer, even though it wouldn't kick in until March 1st. I could've gone part time and qualified for Medicaid, but then I wouldn't be making enough to pay the bills should I only get scheduled for 20 hours in a week. My only choice is to go uninsured for 2 months and pray nothing bad happens until my insurance kicks in again.

This is where it starts ACTUALLY getting bad.

I have been struggling with chronic migraines for the past five years. Nobody has any fucking clue how migraines work, so two of my medications are very new and very expensive. We're talking about $800 each for a 1 month supply. The websites for these medications have coupons and "co-pay cards" that make it so you can basically get it for free, because drug prices in the US are based on nothing, but ONLY if you have insurance. Thankfully, one of the medications is a take as needed kinda situation, so I can go without it, but the other is a preventative monthly injectable that I like for real need. Thankfully the drug company for the injectable has a ~program~ called "Teva Cares" where, if you beg and plead and fill out this form and wait several weeks maybe they'll let you have your meds. I never actually got my request approved despite calling and resolving issues and waiting and blah blah blah, but whatever I'm alive my insurance coverage starts on March 1st I'll just fucking wait. At least I tried.

*psychically breaks all the glass within a 20-mile radius*

Sorry, whew, bear with me guys we're almost there.

The option to sign up for health insurance came available on my employee portal on Feb. 17th. Due to work and being generally busy, I didn't sit down to sign up until Feb. 19th, but when I did, the option was gone. I thought, oh! Maybe there was some kind of technical issue, I'll ask the HR manager (let's call her Jane) about it when I get back in on Friday (Feb. 21.) The next day, I get my paycheck. . .with some vacation pay paid out. This is also strange, because I was under the impression I wasn't getting vacation pay, and I had made no requests to have it paid out. I ask my manager (let's call her Tina) and she says "Oh! I think Jane made a mistake and accidentally switched you from full-time reduced to part-time. Let's talk to her to get that fixed."

Annoying, but okay whatever. Just another thing to add to my list.

The weekend turns out to be busy, and this job fucking exhausts me because I'm not used to working food service, so I ask my fiance (who is stuck in this hell hole with me due to similar circumstances) to ask Jane about it on Monday (Feb. 24.) She asks and Jane tells her that she will double check if I'm full time or part time so we can get that straightened out.

I don't hear anything back, so when I go back in on Wednesday (Feb. 26) I go to Jane's office and ask what's up. Jane tells me that she switched me to part time as per Tina's request. Well, that doesn't seem right, as no one discussed it with me, so I double check with Tina, who happens to be in the next office over. She confirms that yes, I'm supposed to be part time.

Now, I didn't deal with this right away, because it took a minute for the full weight of the situation to set in. Had I missed something? I mean, I've been known to have kind of a shit memory due to my ADHD, but my schedule hadn't changed at all, and surely I would have remembered if someone pulled me aside about this, because working part time means I don't get my benefits, you know, the ones that were supposed to start in just a few short days?

I go home and my fiance has gotten the mail. There's a postcard from my work telling me I have until Feb. 28th to enroll in benefits. This is proof that I was going to get benefits and something is terribly wrong.

I call Jane at her office, she's unavailable.

I have the next two days off. On Thursday (Feb. 27) I wake up with a nasty migraine. I can't take anything for it because I don't have access to my usual meds and I can only take Excedrin once per week without giving myself rebound headaches. At least I have the day off.

Jane finally calls me back, she tells me that the reason I've been switched to part time is because she shouldn't have hired me on as full-time reduced in the first place and that Tina didn't want me to get the full-time reduced benefits because corporate keeps cutting her labor hours (for some god forsaken reason, even though this cheese island has the highest sales of all the cheese islands in the company) and there are other employees who have been waiting longer to get those benefits.

Now, this is fucked up on a few levels, and to go into it would take me all fucking day, but mostly I'm just appalled because this suggests that Tina LIED TO MY FACE on Feb. 21 and also felt she had the authority to determine whether or not I GET THE BENEFITS I WAS PROMISED. Nuh uh, no fucking way. I love my coworkers, but there is literally no reason we should all be working 30 hours a week with some of us receiving benefits and others not. The company is doing extremely well, it's not like there's some kind of financial shortage, though ofc we all know the new CEO doesn't give two shits, probably feels emboldened by the new Trump administration, and is shoveling as much cash into his own pockets as he possibly can.

The most upsetting part, though, is that no one communicated this to me. I could have qualified for health insurance this whole time, and like, idk, even the shittiest jobs I've had in the past had the decency to at least tell me that they were fucking me over. I made a point of telling this to Jane, who explained that she asked Tina to tell me, but Tina felt it was our store manager's (let's just call him Fuckface bc what all the employees at the store really call him is about as nice) job to tell me, and then I guess never made any kind of attempt to make sure this happened. Jane was incredibly upset, on the verge of tears, and the last thing I wanted to do is comfort her, so I politely said I'll deal with it and ended the call.

I turned right around and called my mom, because my fiance was at work, and my mom is retired and I needed someone to help me sort this all out. My mom was, understandably, appalled. She's dealt with her fair share of this flavor of bullshit in her day, and knows how to handle it. Together, we decided I should gather my evidence and go over everyone's heads directly to corporate HR, and threaten to go to the Department of Labor if they don't comply.

Next day (Feb. 28) massive fucking migraine is still ongoing, which means I'm officially in mega bitch mode. I gather all my evidence, documents, emails, dates and times, and in my most professional grown-up voice, I contact corporate HR with the number my fiance so helpfully supplied me.

The HR lady (let's call her Vivian) is not a great active listener. She acts all surprised that I already have my evidence ready and asks me some redundant questions like "oh did you ever ask for reduced hours?" looking for a way that this could possibly actually be my fault. (Listen I know people understandably miss things like that, no tea no shade it's just a pet peeve of mine when others assume I'm stupid or something.)

I tell her I'm just trying to figure out why this happened and get it resolved. She tells me I was actually switched to part time on Feb. 9th and that the postcard was sent 30 days in advance so it's no longer accurate. This means a) Tina was either lying to my on Feb. 21 or straight up didn't know, and b) I was full time reduced when the postcard was sent out on Jan. 26th at the earliest and my schedule is the same now as I was then. I confirm to her that this all happened without my knowledge and she says she'll call the store and get back to me.

Like 10 minutes later, I get a call from Fuckface himself, who is even worse at active listening. The conversation went a little like this:

Fuckface: So I heard you've been working with Vivian about going part time

Me: No, I called her because I was hired on as full-time reduced and now I'm listed as part time and I'm trying to figure out why.

Fuckface: Oh, well Cheese Island doesn't have enough hours available for you to work full-time reduced, but we can find another area of the store where you can work the rest of the hours.

Me: That's weird because I was full-time reduced before Feb. 9th and I'm working the same number of hours now as I was then. I'm also scheduled 30 hours for the next two weeks. Why would I need to go to another department?

Fuckface got very uncomfortable after that and rushed me off the phone.

Now, I want to emphasize that I never got a complete or consistent answer to what the fuck happened here. My theory is that some shady shit went down and everyone was banking that poor sweet little Sage (me) wouldn't notice or be too passive or naive to do anything about it. (Remember what I said earlier about being petite and woman-presenting?) Anyway, they messed with the wrong bitch. See, I'm usually very friendly and chill. I prefer to talk things out and resolve things peacefully because I'd rather have allies than enemies. But also, I'm not afraid of people, especially this bunch of chuckle-fucks. I know I'm perfectly within my right to speak up about this and god I need that fucking health insurance.

Well, I guess that must actually be pretty ballsy of me, because my call with Fuckface worked everyone into an embarrassed, terrified scramble. I get a call from Jane 15 minutes later explaining that hooray they've worked something out! I'm only going to be working 24 hours in the cheese island (bc apparently that's all the hours there are to schedule me even tho I was being scheduled 30 hours when I was considered part time) and the other 8 hours on front end as a bagger. I get my health insurance (starting March 1st thank you very much) and all is well.

I'm like "thank you, that wasn't so hard was it now?"

Most insane thing about this is like, I'm literally working the same number of hours, but I get to do one day NOT in food service which is a win for me. (Everyone acts like bagger is such a demeaning job but I literally could not care less about that they think.) Still wish that I had the full story, but I'm placated for now. Gladly, I'm already job hunting and got a very promising email from a potential employer so hopefully I'll be out of there soon. I guess the moral of the story is that speaking up for myself paid off, but they could have avoided all this by being straight up with me from the beginning and now they've completely lost my trust. I'll be telling anyone else thinking of applying there to steer clear.

TL;DR: My job tried to fuck me over in a major way, expecting me to just give up and take it, but I *gasp* stood up for myself and they caved and put things back how they were.

[calespsychoticbubble]

There is just so much.

To say that is an understatement. There is truly just so much going on in my life at this time that there are some days where my life does not feel like my own. I wouldn't say it's necessarily a bad thing, but it does get overwhelming at times.

Working full time has been such a blessing these past few years, and I'm glad that I have never been without work. And my job has been great despite any challenges. I've learned a lot about what I want to do in my work and where my strengths come in handy. I've gradually built relationships with some staff members and I have grown more comfortable being myself at work. The security I feel knowing my job will be there year after year has given me a lot of peace and it came at just the right time. After almost four years of work, I forget that I started in a very different place and being here is something I'm very grateful for. At the same time, work is tiring. It's relentless, Monday to Friday (although it's a blessing I don't work on weekends), and as an introvert I give a lot of energy to serve my colleagues and my students. And with so many other things going on outside of work, I find myself distracted, thinking about everything else on my plate. During those times, I am not giving my best effort.

It's why, even though I am quite occupied, I try not to work on my masters course while I am at work. Splitting my attention during the work day has not been very effective and I would prefer to do one thing at a time. That means, when I get home, I do have to take time each evening to do course work. That might be reading, writing a response, filming a video (for my current class), responding to others, researching for projects, etc. I try to be diligent and stay ahead of the schedule so that I have buffer days for when I can't make time or I get sick (which did happen earlier this year), so there are days where I can have two or three hours of work. Fortunately, my fiance also has work to do in the evenings so we tend to spend many days a week just working in the same space, but we still try to make time to talk and engage in hobbies together. I am grateful that I get to study while working, as my courses are related to my work, but balancing the two takes some care that I get tired of doing. God has been very gracious in giving me time when I need it, so I haven't handed in anything late or missed assignments, but the mental exhaustion of it is hard.

On top of those things, I am also engaged and planning a wedding. My fiance and I discussed for a while before getting engaged, so it's not like it was a surprise, but I guess I forgot how much work planning a wedding can be. We take an hour or so each week to do wedding-related things, sometimes more if we can, but it's slow work that sometimes sparks disagreement. My fiance and I mostly debate about how to do things (I want it efficient, he wants it (as close to) perfect), and the frustration comes from that. Not that our disagreements have been terrible, but we do get into debates and need to reset because we're losing sight of the original question. I wish things could be done faster sometimes, but both of us do have a lot going on and I'm trying to be patient and gracious in these moments.

And as if that weren't enough, my fiance is now applying to jobs and wondering if we should relocate for a few years. We've been talking about this for at least a month or so when he first started doing interviews, and I said that I would be fine if it was short term (under 5 years), abroad was fine if it was only one or two years, but we would have to discuss seriously if it was really an option. And lo and behold, he might get an offer from a job in another city in Canada. It's been stressful for him going through all these job interviews, but his efforts have proved fruitful as he not only has that job offer potentially on the way, but potentially two others as well. With all these potential options on our table, we've been talking for days trying to figure out what to do. Do we stay where we've been for five years and just keep living as we have been, even though the job here is not as interesting or helpful for his career? Or do we take a risk and move to another city where we don't know anyone, don't have our community, but would be aligned with his research interests and would be a great first step for his career? Albeit, my fiance has said the move would only be temporary, and we would only stay in that city as long as we liked it/were called to stay. If even after a year it's not working, we would leave. Those thoughts might be idealistic, but I would want it to be short term because of the community we have here already. Through much discussion and some tears, as we spoke to my parents about these options and they gave their perspective and advice, we are still undecided, partially because we are waiting for official offers from these companies.

With all of this going on, it truly is so much. I don't know if it's all supposed to happen at once, but this is what is happening in my life. I never planned to be this busy and this packed, but here I am. I always said I wasn't going to plan a wedding while I was still in school, but now I'm planning a wedding while working and doing school. Life is so crazy sometimes and there's just so much to think about. I've been praying about it in my daily devotions and journaling, and my fiance has also been praying on his own, and we've also been praying together to see where God will lead us. Are we called to stay? To leave? Is it time for me to take a pause in my work to focus on my studies and support my fiance in his first career job?

All of this might be answered in the next couple weeks as the offers come in, so we are continuing to pray and ask some of the older figures in our lives on what to do. I pray that God would lead us to make the decision that would best glorify Him and aligns with His plan for us.