#i have a job interview this week which i should be grateful for but i'm still so unsure about what i want in life

[numetalkids]

*inhales*.....................DEEP SIGH

[thef1diary]

Little Big Fan | Nine

— Little Big Phone Calls

Series Masterlist

wc: 1.7k

Ever since you had brought Isabella home from the hospital, quite a few things happened.

Twenty-four hours after she was discharged, Tyler finally had the nerve to give you a call. You debated whether or not you should pick up the call as you glared at the screen while it rang, but then you didn't want to stoop down to his level either.

"Is Isabella okay?" were his first words, and if it weren't then you definitely would've unleashed hell upon him. "Yeah she's okay, no thanks to you," you scoffed.

Then he proceeded to claim that you didn't have the right to take Isabella home from the hospital because she was supposed to stay with him for the weekend. You sighed, rubbing your forehead, as you considered how to explain the issue to him in a calm manner.

"You weren't even there when it happened," you started, but then he had the audacity to interrupt you, "I was in a meeting."

"You're always in a fucking meeting! You left our daughter with Emma, it is not her responsibility to take care of our child." You lost your patience rather quickly, and you were glad that Isabella was currently at a classmate's birthday party so she didn't hear your argument. Leave it to her to quickly befriend others.

He was silent for a moment, "Emma is my girlfriend, and she doesn't have an issue with staying with Isabella so neither should you."

You paced around the room, having a strong urge to throw the phone against the wall. "Emma is not the problem, I'm grateful for her actually. The issue is that you need to get your shit together and choose if you want to be a father or a businessman, and quite frankly, you're doing a shit job at both right now."

You didn't wait for his response, hanging up and tossing your phone on your desk while burying your head in your palms.

Then, to make matters worse, you realized that Max's ten-day vacation was almost over, because he had to return to racing. You had quickly become accustomed to his presence and began missing him the moment he left your house a few days later.

You may or may not have hugged him for a few minutes too long on the day he was leaving, especially after knowing that he would be busy with back to back races for two weeks.

When you parted away, Max placed his palms on your cheeks and made direct eye contact with you. "When I'm back, me and you are going on that date," he stated in a tone of finality and you nodded, agreeing with him. "I'll be waiting."

Ruffling Isabella's hair until she smacked his hands away before smoothing it herself, Max had to remind her of school when she asked if he would take her to the races as well. He would have agreed if he had been a little more gullible.

"Gifts?" She settled for instead, earning a laugh from Max and widened eyes from you. "Isabella!" You exclaimed but couldn't hold back your smile at her request.

She shrugged, looking at Max, "if you want," she added. "Always," he responded, since he had already planned on buying a few gifts for both of you.

Then it was just you and Isabella, and even then you were alone when you returned home after dropping her off at school. You never had a problem with being alone at home until you experienced the joy of being with others.

—

Isabella was up bright and early on race day, considering that the race took place earlier in the morning in your time zone. However, you knew she would take a nap as soon as the podium celebrations were over, not wanting to stay up for the interviews. Which is exactly what she did after the last race you watched together, but her "tiredness" could've been due to the fact she was disappointed that Max had not won that race.

You remember the conversation you had with him after that race, and he was quite upset—rightfully so in your opinion as it wasn't a driver issue, but rather a technical problem.

"I don't think my lucky charm works from such a distance," he told you, making you furrow your brows, "what lucky charm?"

"You, of course. Please come to another race soon," he explained, earning a chuckle from you with a blush rising to your cheeks. "I'll think about it."

Today’s race was a different story, because Max had been leading during the entire weekend, always coming out on top for all the practices, qualifying, and even during the race itself.

Later that night, Max called you and you immediately congratulated him for the win. "See, you don't need a lucky charm." He made a sound in denial, "I think it's because I called you right before getting in the car, but we can test it properly when you're at a race again."

"You'll have to try harder than that to convince me," you teased with a chuckle. "I have two more weeks to convince you in person, I think I can manage."

"You're going to be here for the whole two weeks?" You could hear the grin in his voice, "I'm flying out in two days, plus the last time I checked, I have a date with the most attractive woman I know and I am not cancelling those plans at all."

You muttered his name, "did I ever tell you that you're the sweetest." He hummed, "maybe, but I don’t mind hearing it again."

"You're the sweetest, kindest and I'm glad you're coming back."

"Did you think I wouldn't?" You shrugged, "well, I thought you would be busy with the season and all." He was quiet for a moment, making your jaw drop, "you didn't."

He hummed and you gasped, "Max..."

"Yes, schat?" He pretended as if nothing was wrong. "Did you cancel any plans for the week?" You asked, slipping past the unknown word he used, knowing that you'll be searching it up later.

"None were as important as flying back to you, but I think that Christian is keeping an eye on me," he revealed and while you wanted to comment on his words, you were intrigued by his boss. "Why's that?"

"He keeps wondering why I am more interested in my phone than the meetings." You couldn't hold in your laugh, "Max, I had no idea you were in meetings while texting me."

Before the conversation could continue on, you heard pitter patter of footsteps coming down the stairs. You noticed the time, and it was past Isabella's usual bedtime so you wondered why she was still awake.

"Hold on, Max, I think Bella's awake." Isabella walks towards you with a shy smile, quickly climbing onto the couch and cuddling you.

You didn’t hang up, instead you put your phone on the side as you wrapped your arms around her. "Mama, do I have to go to daddy's next week?"

"You don't want to?" You asked while brushing your fingers through her hair. You felt her shrug, "I don't know."

"Did something happen?" You pulled back to see her face that had a frown growing. "I met Emma,"

"Yeah? How is she?" Her frown turned into a small smile as she thought of Emma, "very nice, she plays some games with me, oh and we baked together too."

"That's good..but?" You urged, watching her small smile slip back into a frown. "But daddy doesn't spend time with me anymore and he says bad things about you."

You raised your brow, wanting to focus on your daughter's words before you think about having another conversation with Tyler. "Like what?"

"He says that you're not a good person but I think you're amazing! You're the best mama in the whole world." Her little arms reached around you, placing a small kiss on your cheek.

"Aw thank you, angel," you peppered kisses all over her cheeks until she started giggling.

"So do I have to go?" She asked, snuggling up next to you while fighting back a yawn. You shook your head, "no, if you don't want to, then you don't have to go."

"Good, I want to spend time here, with you and Maxy," her toothy grin was back as soon as she mentioned him. "With Max? You like him?" You could've guessed her answer but it was reassuring when she nodded, "sooo much, he's so nice and he buys me ice cream and glittery clips."

You threw your head back with a laugh, "oh Bella, you can't just like him because he buys things for you."

"But mama he's also nice and he makes you smile." She stated, making you snap your head towards her, and you could see her smile turning a little mischievous.

"What?" She shifted in your lap, wrapping her fingers in your hair as she continued speaking, "I like it when you smile and he makes you smile, right mama?"

"Yeah he does." You glanced at the phone, the call still ongoing so you know Max heard every part of your conversation.

Looking back at your daughter, you suggested, "why don't you go back to sleep, you have school tomorrow morning."

"Can you read me a story?" She asked with hopeful eyes, and you quickly nodded, "of course, why don't you get all comfy in bed and I'll be right there?"

"Okay mama." you kissed her forehead before she slid off your lap, running back upstairs.

You pick up the phone again, "are you still there?" Max hummed in response, "yeah, I'm here."

"I'm guessing you heard everything," you didn't mind it at all, but still needed confirmation. "I did. She not wrong, you are an amazing mother." He chose not to comment on the topic relating to your ex, knowing that it would ruin the mood.

"I've had help lately," your tone indicates that you're speaking of Max as help. "I try."

"Before Bella comes back down to ask for you again, I have to say one thing," Max started and you urged him to continue, "go on,"

"You make me smile too," he stated, reiterating the comment made by your daughter.

Taglist: (continuing the taglist in comments) @xjval @mrsmaybank13 @cherry-piee @urfavnoirette @solphin @burningcupcakefire @nessacarty1 @dreamsarebig @omgsuperstarg @fanficweasley @redbullgirly @llando4norris @wonnou @randomgirlnumber13 @dark-night-sky-99 @chanshintien @leilanixx @gisellesprettylies @peachiicherries @monsieurbacteria6 @67-angelofthelordme-67 @arian-directioner @distancedss @morenofilm @sachaa-ff @lighttsoutlewis @teamnovalak @casperlikej @sadg3 @d3kstar @lewisvinga @lpab @queenofmanydreams @glitterf1 @honethatty12 @drunk-teens-doing-drugs @its-avalon-08 @yourbane @oconswrld @noneofyourfbusinessworld @ssrcsm @softtina @hockeyboysarehot @formulaal @namgification @tallrock35 @bloodyymaryyy @formulanni @ellouisa17 @phantomxoxo

[leahrintarou]

☠︎︎ DAY EIGHTEEN: STRESS FT. KENMA

☠︎︎ WARNINGS: stress sex, fingering, stimulation, cunnilingus

☠︎︎ WORD COUNT: 1.1k

y/n :) --> kenma <3

'good luck today, kenma. I hope I get to see you soon'

kenma lost count of how many time's he's read over the message. he missed the sound of her voice. reading just text messages alone, only made his situation harder. quite literally. prior to the two's temporary long distanced state, he was notified of a mandatory meeting and interview dedicated to famous content creators in the gaming field.

at first, he was going to decide against going, despite it being mandatory but, he was forced by y/n to attend the occasion. even though they lived in the same house, in the past month and a half, they've been distant and caught up with their own occupations. when it came to getting rest for another busy day, that was the only moment they'd been able to spend with each other.

kenma was sure that the next two weeks were going to be a small break for he and y/n but when he received the email about the situation, he couldn't have felt more deceived. now, here he was, sitting in a secluded area of the crowded building, all to which were made up of fans, interviewers, etc.

he scrolled through his phone to pass through time, not even realizing that he were reading though older text messages shared between he and y/n. he even listened to some voice messages but his eye's widened when he came across two older pictures that were sent by y/n.

'should I get this in burgundy or blue?'

was the text message sent under those pictures of her wearing both sets of detailed lingerie. kenma's eyes couldn't part from the images displayed on the screen. in fact, he didn't realize his memorized daze until the brightness of the screen dimmed from inactivity. he blinked at the image, hurrying to scroll away before his thoughts could form mental images of non-innocents scenes.

a knock was heard on the door before kenma stood up to unlock the knob. he was met with one of the stagehands. "kenma, you're up" he announced before quickly hurrying off to his next destination. he let out a sigh, placing his hand over the entirety of his face before allowing it to fall back down to his side and into his hoodie's pocket.

----------

"thank you for your time, kenma" the interviewer said through a grateful tone. kenma nodded before giving a small smile to the crowd and stood up to walk off backstage, allowing the next content creator their own spotlight with the audience and interviewers.

he decided to wait in his own room, until everyone was interviewed so after, he could attend the meet and greet that was being planned. kenma was dreading that moment. he weren't in the best of moods what so ever. he tried to put up and hold a facade for the entirety of the interview but in some parts, it did falter.

finally arriving Infront of his secluded room, he twisted the doorknob, noticing how it was now unlocked. he wasn't sure if he'd left it like that due to his mind focusing on other things so, he brushed it off.

kenma opened the door, walking over to the sofa to finally take a seat in the confinements of the quiet atmosphere, but froze in place when he was instead met with y/n's seated figure. "hi kenma" she smiled, standing up to engulf his frozen figure in a hug or else they'd be standing there all day.

"how-"

"the security guys don't do their jobs very well" she mumbled, only smiling when kenma's arms wrapped around her own figure. he felt how he pulled her closer to himself, not missing the fact that she felt one of those familiar and quiet breaths fan the shell of her ear. "kenma, are you okay?" she asked, feeling him shake his head to reply with a 'no'.

"I missed you"

"I did too, but I'm here-"

"every part of you"

he pulled back from the long lasting engulfment, this time it was y/n who was frozen in shock. kenma placed a kiss onto her lips, letting out a sigh of satisfaction when she pressed against his own. inhaling a sharp breath, his hand made it's was to her lower back, applying a pressure to bring their hips closer to each other.

while keeping a steady movement with their enveloped lips and tongues, kenma guided y/ n to lay onto her back, against the plush of the sofa, before hovering above her figure, not letting their kiss part for even one second. he quickly moved his hand to her pants, unbuttoning them before removing them from off of her legs.

y/n shivered at the touch of kenma's cold hands against her bare skin. he slowly parted her legs with a hand to separate her thighs. "kenma.." she mumbled. he hummed before parting the kiss to place small kisses to her hips and her clothed sex. he noticed how she wanted the pleasure just as much as he did, causing him to hastily remove her underwear.

his hand made it's way to y/n's arousal before inserting two digits into her sex. she immediately placed a both of her palms over her mouth, muffling her moan the best she could. the situation only became more of a pleasure filled struggle when kenma's moved his fingers in a scissoring motion, his wrist moving back and forth.

he couldn't help but feel painfully aroused at the sight. kenma placed a warm stripe against y/ n's bud with his tongue, noticing how a whine slipped past y/n's barricading fingers. he raised his unoccupied hand, using its index finger to place against his lips, to remind her to try and keep her sounds at a lower volume.

he knew that y/n wouldn't be able to fulfil that request when he only and teasingly, sped up both motions of his fingers inside of her. kenma reapplied his mouth against her bud to speed up the process of helping her reach her peak and soon enough, it did arrive, causing him to quickly reach up to cover her mouth, all the while, helping her ride out her high.

the situation and sight made him acknowledge his aroused erection, quickly removing his hand from y/n's lips to replace it with a peck from his own.

"i have to meet some fans in a couple minutes. I need you to help me with this" he motioned to his lap, making y/n's eyes widened when it darted from kenma to the clock. "kenma..you have five minutes left?"

"then lets hurry"

[holdupjack]

The Assistant

——————

Pairing: Hermione Granger x Fem!Reader

AU: Minister Hermione

WARNING: None

——————

Third Person P.O.V:

First Month As Minister

Hermione let her leg shake as piles of paper and documents were scattered around her desk, some had fallen off onto the ground at some point.

She had spent her whole life trying to make a name for herself and she had finally done it. Yet, that didn't mean things got easier.

It got more difficult. Much. Much. More difficult.

She had no one to lean on anymore. Ron had moved out last year after their divorce was finalized, and they never had children so...

She was alone now.

Harry had convinced her to at least splurge on hiring an assistant at work. Hermione could be less stressed and maybe make a new friend.

After a week of going through resumes, she found the perfect person for the job. A woman named Y/n Y/l/n, she's had outstanding recommendations from her former employers.

They had a phone call interview, and Hermione enjoyed talking to her and learning about Y/n's goals and strengths in the workplace. The older woman was quickly swayed into hiring her.

Knock! Knock!

Hermione's eyes flicked up to find a young woman at her office door, she had a nice shirt and dress pants on. Very much on the masculine side of fashion, but the Minister thought she pulled it off quite nicely.

"Yes? May I help you?" Hermione asks as she raises an eyebrow. She should have been panicked to find a random person in her office, but she knew her security wouldn't have let her in if she didn't have clearance.

"Good Morning Minister! My name is Y/n Y/l/n, your new assistant" she explains and Hermione quickly stood up to greet her as she walked in.

They shook hands as they beamed at one another, happy to finally meet.

"Oh, Y/n! I completely forgot that today was your first day, please forgive me" Hermione chuckled nervously as their hands dropped, but the new assistant still grinned.

"It's quite alright, I'm ready to work" she replies as Hermione seems scrambled to think of something for her to do. Y/n immediately took notice.

"May I help you organize?" Y/n asked as she stepped towards the side of the desk, watching as the brunette was frazzled slightly from her panic.

"If you can figure out a system, I will be forever grateful," Hermione says with a small sigh as Y/n looks over the piles of work that are scattered all around the room. She made sure not to step on anything.

"Let's see..."

——————

Y/n spent the day sitting on the ground next to her desk as she figured out the best system for the new Minister.

Hermione was mostly out of the office for the day, but when she returned from her meeting with the head of the Law Department. She was surprised to find her office clean and organized, with even a bag of food from the local Chinese restaurant.

Her eyes looked around to find her new employee and soon found her eating at her desk in the hall across from her office door.

How hadn't she seen her when she walked in from the elevator? She must really be in her mind today.

"Did you grab food for yourself as well?" Hermione asks. The last thing she'd want was for her assistant to not take advantage of free food on the Ministry's dime.

"Yes Minister, how was your meeting?" Y/n replied as she ate her food, her eyes shifting to meet her boss.

"Long." Hermione states as she chuckles softly and sits on the corner of Y/n's desk, a quiet sigh leaves her lips.

"I love my job, but arguing with a man with an inflated ego really puts a damper on it" she continues as Y/n looks up at her with a small smile.

"Weren't you married to a man with an inflated ego?" Y/n asks to which Hermione blinked a few times before she responds. Then her face flushed.

Y/n almost apologized immediately for such an intrusive question, but something held her back.

Sometimes Hermione forgot that her life was back in the spotlight again after being so long in the shadows.

"I was" Hermione chuckled in return she cleared her throat from her initial shock from the question. Granted, it was inappropriate to ask, but the Minister didn't see any harm from answering truthfully.

"Then you can handle the likes of these man-children with ease" Y/n grinned as she leaned back in her desk chair, it tilted slightly.

Hermione began to laugh, covering her mouth for a moment, acting like they weren't the only people on this floor.

"You're right, if I can survive seven years with Ron, then I can survive a few hours with them," she says with a smile of her own, Y/n noted in her mind that this was the first time she had smiled genuinely today.

Y/n nodded in agreement, appreciating Hermione's ability to find strength and resilience in the face of adversity.

"It takes a strong person to handle difficult situations with grace," Y/n remarked, her admiration evident in her voice.

Hermione smiled warmly at Y/n's words, feeling a sense of camaraderie with her newfound acquaintance.

"Thank you," she replied sincerely.

"It hasn't always been easy, I've learned to navigate through the challenges." She paused for a moment, reflecting on her journey.

"I suppose it's a testament to the power of friendship and the importance of standing up for what you believe in." she finishes, as her mind goes back to Hogwarts. Y/n nodded, their eyes meeting in understanding.

"Yes, I can see how your friendships have played a significant role in shaping who you are today," she said thoughtfully.

"And it's inspiring to see how you've used your platform to advocate for change and equality," Y/n says as she gazed into Hermione's eyes. Hermione's smile widened, her eyes shining with gratitude.

"Thank you, Y/n. It means a lot to hear that." She took a moment to gather her thoughts before continuing, her voice filled with determination.

A soft blush did make its way onto her cheeks though.

Hermione took a deep breath as she went back to her desk, feeling a surge of confidence wash over her. It was time to dive headfirst into her role as Minister, to embrace the new responsibilities that lay before her.

The challenges she faced were immense, but she was determined to make a difference and lead with integrity.

As she settled back into her office chair, she glanced around the room, now neat and organized thanks to Y/n's efforts.

The piles of papers that had once overwhelmed her were now neatly stacked, ready to be tackled one by one. It was a small victory, but it gave Hermione a sense of control amidst the chaos.

With renewed focus, Hermione turned her attention to the stack of documents on her desk. Each file represented a different issue, a different decision to be made. She knew that her decisions would shape the lives of countless individuals and impact the future of the wizarding world.

She picked up the first document and began to read, absorbing the details and considering the potential consequences of each choice.

It was a delicate balance, weighing the needs of the community against the limitations and resources available. She knew that she couldn't please everyone, but she was determined to make decisions that were fair and just.

As the hours passed, Hermione found herself engrossed in the work. The weight of her responsibilities was both exhilarating and humbling.

Y/n watched from her desk across the hall, observing Hermione's dedication and passion. She admired the way Hermione approached each task with a meticulous attention to detail, never wavering in her pursuit of justice.

Y/n had seen many leaders in her career, but there was something different about Hermione. She possessed a rare combination of intelligence, empathy, and unwavering determination.

After a long day of decision-making and policy review, Hermione finally leaned back in her chair, feeling a mix of exhaustion and satisfaction. She glanced at the clock on her desk and realized it was already late in the evening. The day had flown by in a blur of paperwork, meetings, and discussions.

Y/n, sensing Hermione's weariness, stood up from her desk and walked over to the small kitchen near their work space and began to make a kettle of tea. She whistled as she sat on  counter and waited for the water to boil on the stove.

Hermione's eyes flicked up for a moment when she heard soft whistling, and when she didn't spot Y/n at her desk, she furrowed her eyebrows.

"Y/n?" She called out, but when she didn't get a reply back, she almost stood up to investigate, but another document caught her eye.

"For fucks sake, another high insurance cost for the Jinx Removal floor?" Hermione mumbles to herself.

Y/n soon walked towards her office. She knocked gently on the door before entering, a tray of tea and biscuits in her hands.

"I thought you could use a break, Minister, you've been working tirelessly all day." Y/n said, setting the tray down on Hermione's desk.

Hermione smiled gratefully, appreciating Y/n's thoughtfulness. She poured herself a cup of tea and took a sip, the warm liquid soothing her tired mind.

"Thank you, Y/n," Hermione said, her voice filled with genuine gratitude.

"I couldn't have made it through today without your support...I honestly probably would have been a wreck" she chuckles fo herself as Y/n nodded, a soft smile on her face.

"It's my pleasure, Minister. I'm here to assist you in any way I can." Y/n replies as Hermione offered her a cup as well. She watched as her assistant sat on the loveseat in her office and gave a quiet sigh of relief.

As they sat there, sipping tea and enjoying a moment of respite, Hermione felt a sense of camaraderie and trust between them. Y/n had quickly become more than just an assistant; she had become a confidante and a source of support.

"I must admit," Hermione began, her voice tinged with vulnerability.

"Being a Minister is more challenging than I ever imagined. But I'm determined to make a difference." She sighs softly as Y/n's eyes sparkled with admiration as she looked at Hermione.

"And you will, Minister. Your dedication and passion are evident in everything you do."

Hermione's resolve strengthened, fueled by Y/n's words of encouragement. She knew that the road ahead would be filled with obstacles and difficult decisions, but she also knew that she had the support of her team and the unwavering belief in her own abilities.

As she finished her cup of tea, Hermione couldn't help but feel a sense of optimism. The first month as Minister had been a whirlwind, but she was ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead. With Y/n by her side, she knew that together they could make a real difference in the wizarding world.

And so, Hermione closed her eyes, taking a moment to savor the quiet before the storm.

——————

A couple months later...

In the months that followed, Hermione found herself drawn to Y/n in ways she couldn't quite explain. It was more than just admiration for her work ethic and intelligence. There was a connection—a spark—that seemed to grow with each passing day.

As they worked side by side, discussing policies and strategies, Hermione felt a sense of ease and comfort in Y/n's presence.

Their conversations went beyond work, delving into personal anecdotes and shared interests. Y/n's wit and charm were captivating, and Hermione found herself looking forward to their interactions.

One evening, after a particularly long day, Hermione sat in her office, reflecting on the events of the day. Her thoughts kept drifting to Y/n, and she couldn't help but wonder if there was something more between them.

The idea both excited and frightened her—excited because she hadn't felt this way in a long time, and frightened because she didn't want to jeopardize their professional relationship.

Taking a deep breath, Hermione decided to confide in her closest friend, Harry. She knew he would provide the guidance and support she needed.

The next day, during their lunch break, Hermione found herself sitting across from Harry at a small café near the Ministry. She hesitated for a moment before finally speaking up.

"Harry, I need to talk to you about something," Hermione began, her voice filled with a mix of anticipation and apprehension.

"Of course, Hermione. What's on your mind?"

Harry asks as he raised an eyebrow, his green eyes curious. Hermione took a sip of her tea, gathering her thoughts.

"It's about Y/n, my assistant," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I think... I think I might be falling in love with her."

Harry's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly composed himself, clearing his throat and leaning forward slightly.

"Well, that's quite a revelation, Hermione. Have you spoken to her about your feelings?" He asks quietly as he stared at her. Hermione shook her head, her curls bouncing slightly.

"No, not yet. I wanted to talk to you first, get some perspective." She replies as Harry leaned back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Well, Hermione, love can be complicated, especially in a professional setting. But I've seen the way you two interact, and there's no denying the chemistry between you." He states with a small smile as he thought back on the times he gone up for a quick chat, and found them in such a deep discussion that they didn't even notice him there.

A blind man could hear their longing and teasing whispers back and forth were much more than casual banter.

Hermione's heart skipped a beat, a mixture of hope and fear flooding through her as she took in his words.

"Do you think it's wise to pursue this, Harry? What if it doesn't work out? I don't want to lose her as a colleague or a friend." She asks, thinking of all the HR department meetings she's been in recently.

Harry reached across the table and placed a comforting hand on Hermione's. He had his comforting smile shining brightly, like he use to when she was to much inside her head,

"Love is always a risk, Hermione. But sometimes, the greatest rewards come from taking those risks. If you truly believe there's something special between you and Y/n, then it might be worth exploring." He says as he leaned back and took a sip of his coffee, which was now a bit cold. Hermione nodded, her mind filled with swirling thoughts and emotions.

"Thank you, Harry. Your advice means a lot to me." She replies with a soft breath as she ran and nervously hand through her curls.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Hermione contemplating her next steps. She knew that she couldn't let fear hold her back from what could potentially be a beautiful connection.

But she also didn't want to lose her job and be known as the Minister with the shortest time in office.

As the days turned into weeks, Hermione found herself unable to shake off her growing feelings for Y/n. She longed for a deeper connection, a chance to explore what lay beneath the surface. She knew that it was time to have an honest conversation with Y/n, to lay her cards on the table.

Question was, would Y/n fold?

Hermione was currently in her office, going through this months expenses spreadsheet. Her eyes darted over the too many zeros that landed on the total sum, which only made her want to run her head through a wall.

"Are you alright, Minister?"

She jumped and looked up to find Y/n leaning against her doorframe, a small raise of her eyebrow.

"What? Yes! No! Wait, what was the the question?" She coughed out in surprise,

Smooth Hermione, smooth.

"I asked if you were alright" Y/n chuckled as she walked in and sat at one of the two chairs in front of Hermione's desk.

"Oh! I'm fine. Just looking over the expenses" Hermione sighs out as Y/n grinned slightly, a glint of understanding in her eye.

"You saw that number too? I don't think I'd ever make that much in two lifetimes" She chuckled as Hermione began to smile, her hair falling slightly in her face.

"You think you could have that much in three lifetimes?" She asks and Y/n sighed, a soft smile on her lips.

"Fine. Six lifetimes." She admitted, making Hermione snicker softly as she put the paper away in one of the piles. She'd deal with it later.

Her eyes flickered to the clock that hung on her wall and she was surprised to see it already 9 p.m. Their eyes reconnect as Hermione straightened her back and took a small deep breath.

"You should really get home Y/n. It's so late now." Hermione sighs as she grabbed another stack of folders from her 'IN' box. How she wished she still was able to go home at regular times.

"I don't go home till you do" Y/n hummed as she rested her leg over the other and watched her Minister stress about things that could very much wait till tomorrow.

Hermione looked back up at her with a soft chuckle, this wasn't the first time Y/n had said this, and it probably wouldn't be the last.

"You're loyalty to me is unmatched" Hermione whispers as Y/n grinned even more, making the Ministers face feel hot as she could hear Harry's words from the Cafe echo somewhere in the back of her mind. She had to confess her feelings, it was now or never.

"Of course" Y/n replied as she stood up and walked over to Hermione's desk, grabbing half the stack of folders, and walking back to the seat.

Hermione took a steadying breath as Y/n sat back down, their eyes meeting once more. In those piercing eyes she saw kindness, dedication, and something else she dared not name, at least not yet.

But the hours were growing late and she knew her courage would fade with the light if she did not speak her truth now.

"Y/n, there is something I must confess." Her voice came out soft yet resolute. Setting her quill down, she folded her hands as if in prayer to steady them.

"These past few months working together, I have come to rely on you not just as my assistant but as...as someone very dear to me. Your support and friendship have meant more than I can say." She paused, afraid to continue yet knowing she had come too far to turn back.

Would Y/n understand? Return her feelings? Or would this truth destroy the bond they had built? Only one way to find out.

"What I'm trying to say is...I care for you as more than a colleague or friend. My affections have grown beyond what is appropriate. I understand if this makes you uncomfortable and of course nothing needs to change. Your friendship is most important to me. I simply couldn't bear not speaking the truth, for fear of what might have been." She states, her words hung between them, freighted with vulnerability and hope.

A gentle smile spread across Y/n's face as Hermione spoke, her own cheeks flushing pink in response. One did not earn the position of Ministry assistant without possessing a cool head in delicate situations, yet even she found herself momentarily flustered by such raw honesty.

"Hermione," she began, settling into a relaxed yet attentive pose as if to set them both at ease.

"I must admit I had hoped my own feelings were not so transparent. You have been quite inspiring to work for, though 'inspiring' fails to capture all that I feel." Y/n whispers, her eyes held Hermione's gaze steadily, conveying warmth and care beneath the subtle tease.

"Say rather that serving you has allowed me to see your true heart - wise, compassionate, and now open to me in a way I dare not have dreamed. I would be remiss in my duties if I did not return such openness in kind." She states with as a playful glint entered her eye then, lightening the mood.

"So is that permission to call you something other than 'Minister' once we've left this office behind...? I believe the day calls for a walk, if you're agreeable." She asks with a grin, her smile lingered hopefully. Hermione jumped up with alacrity, her chair toppling backwards in her haste.

"Of course, I - oh shit!" She whispers as papers scattered far and wide as a thick dossier slipped off the edge of her desk, sending important documents fluttering every which way.

Y/n couldn't suppress a lively peal of laughter at the sheepish expression on Hermione's flushed face, and soon the two women found themselves giggling uncontrollably like schoolgirls caught in mischief.

"I do believe the Ministry can spare its esteemed leader for an evening," Y/n teased, rising to assist in the cleanup.

Her gentle fingers brushed Hermione's as she passed over a fallen piece of parchment, and their eyes met once more - full of mirth now, and something sweeter behind it. What a sight they must be, the usually steadfast Minister reduced to this giddy state!

Yet in that moment, surrounded by paperwork and possibilities, any shred of propriety seemed a small price to pay for the joy of Y/n's company outside these walls.

At last the disaster area was tamed, and with a flourish Y/n opened the office door.

"After you, Minister." She says, her tone held only warm affection now. As they embarked into the lamplit corridors arm in arm, a whisper of what delights the night might hold hung tantalizingly in the air.

But for the present, a stroll beneath the stars with good company would be magic enough. Our story's lovebirds had earned an evening of carefree happiness.

[idoltime]

Idol Time’s Second Episode featuring ATLAS’ Sim Haedam (@svtlas), aired on March 22nd, 2024 with the shows returning and permanent host, Everlast’s Cody. Once again, the video earned quick attention and was trending #3 for weeks after its initial release which was a big success for show itself.

Cody appears on screen immediately after the intro is played and the bright Idol Time logo is shown, and similar to last episode, queue cards in one hand and mic in the other, with an overstretched smile replacing the previous blank expression he wore.

“Hi, and welcome back to Idol Time! The only interview show you need to tune in for and quite possibly the best show you’ve ever seen. Obviously hosted by me, Cody!”

“I’d just like to thank everyone for the support on the first episode, like, if I didn’t feel famous before, I really feel it now and all that funny stuff. Now, let’s introduce the second guest of our show ATLAS’ Haedam!”

Cody lets a dramatic pause pass before signalling for Haedam to enter the room. He does so with a small smile and raises both his hands to wave excitedly as he walks towards his seat.

“Hello! As you already know, my name is Haedam and I am the maknae of the seventeen subunit ATLAS and formerly a member of X1!” They both clap at Haedam’s introduction before Cody raises the mic to his mouth. “Welcome, Haedam. Anything you’d like the viewers to know about you?” He questions.

“Uhm…I like playing the guitar sometimes, baking, and hanging out with my members. Oh, and I’m really interested in building legos! I also have type one diabetes, I don’t think that's been mentioned before but I’m super excited to be here! I love interviews and stuff!”

Cody smiles in response to Haedam’s energy and flips over to the next queue card for the next set of questions.

“You’ve told both me and the viewers you were a former X1 member, so how was the survival show experience for you?” Haedam sighs, looking a little uneasy at the mention of the topic.

He swallows, visibly uncomfortable, whilst he finds his words. "It was fun....overall i think? but there were definitely parts that were really awful. They focused more about our performances and stuff than anything else. if we were sick... it didn't matter. It sucked. I don't think I would do it again."

Cody silently nods in agreement, knowing exactly how Haedam felt at the time.

“Personally, I think all future survival shows should be banned, period. But nobody’s gonna listen to me anyways, guys, trust me when I say they are not all that fun. Anyways, how’d it feel to place 3rd out of all those people? That’s a pretty high rank.”

Haedam’s face softens at the slight change in topic, seemingly quite proud of himself. "It felt really good! I was so proud of myself! Of course like, it would've been cool to be first but like, I'm grateful to have made it at all."

He grins. “I was honestly so surprised, it felt unreal to know that I had done a good enough job to make it through to the end.”

“How’d it feel when X1 disbanded, was it a big moment for you?” Cody asks.

Haedam’s eyes fixate themselves on the pattern of the floor as he talks, "Woah. I mean, I cried a lot. It was really scary because I didn't do anything wrong and it felt like I was being punished. I made a lot of friends in x1 and it hurt to have them taken away from me."

The room goes silent for a little, with Cody fumbling around with the order of the queue cards until he finally gets them in the correct sequence.

“It must’ve been a tough time for you to deal with, especially since X1 was your first group but you were given a second chance as a seventeen sub-unit. How did it feel when you knew ATLAS would be debuting?”

"I was so happy to have another chance. but i was so scared about it. I had a lot of anxiety because I felt like I had some type of curse, and that maybe my new group would disband suddenly too because I was in it. I love my group members, they reassured me a lot and helped me feel better about it."

“That's great, I’m glad you’re having a better time with ATLAS. But rumour has it, you were rigged into the X1 lineup, is that true?”

Haedam’s face contorts to one of shock, horrified that anyone would ever think that about him.

"I really wasn't rigged in, guys. I promise I have the papers here."

Now, Cody looks around, surprised at Haedam’s last few words.

“Wait—How did you even manage to get something like that?” Haedam shrugs, laughing it off.

“Don’t worry too much about it. I asked for these after X1 disbanded because I felt like it was maybe my fault but it wasn't....if anything maybe I was ranked lower than I should have been."

Cody laughs along with him, “Okay, fair enough. Any scandals you want to talk about?”

“Other than the X1 scandals people don't really make a lot of bad news that trend about me? at least ones that i want to address. So, thank you?"

“You’re lucky,” Cody responds and Haedam lets out a small hum. “Before we end the interview, any extra things you need to say or any upcoming projects?”

Haedam grasps onto his mic. “I wanna say hi to my old X1 members if they're listening! Hi guys! I miss you all! and hi to my hyungs because they're definitely watching! It's supposed to be a secret...but we may or may not have a comeback coming soon. You guys didn't hear it from me though."

Cody’s face brightens, “Well, it is comeback season. Now, some final words for the viewers of this episode?”

Haedam waves frantically and quickly thinks before answering.

“Bye everyone! Thank you so much for listening to me! Please keep tuning into idol time because it's really cool! Have a great day!"

Cody copies Haedam’s wave as they wave in sync, “I couldn’t have said it better myself, see you next episode!” The video cuts to the bright blue logo before fading out into darkness once more.

[luashinazugawa]

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My Brazilian Girl

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─̸─̟Warnings: None, just a beautiful romance💗

─̸─̟┈┄ Wow!😱 I'm so glad I wrote this, I wasn't planning on doing anything considerably big, so there will be a part 2! probably roll SMUT in the next chapter. Enjoy and I'm reading all the ideas you sent me and planning your plots, this will probably end up becoming a series.💗

Sorry if I hear mistakes, I'm not fluent but I did my best! 🇧🇷

Explaining some things you can read: Paraná is a Brazilian state, located in the south.

Bora!, it's a slang used throughout Brazil, which basically means let's go!

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It had been 2 months since you got your British citizenship, you had been in London for 2 years and arrived in the city decided to have a life outside Brazil, after all you got an exchange program to finish college in London, and you already saw yourself in an internship at a small local team in the city that was financed and supported by a few companies. As soon as your college and internship ended, you found yourself looking for a permanent job, lucky for you the coach of the football team had a contact at Tottenham, who was one of the great supporters of the team. You found yourself so grateful for that kind man, and the team of young people with a bright future ahead, all of whom would stay in your heart.

You knew that it would be difficult to get that job at Tottenham as a physiotherapist, after all you only had experience with the team of young athletes supported by them, and they would probably have more qualified people in front of you, who probably already worked in other clubs. You felt like running away from your interview that day, but luckily for you everything worked out, as the coach of the team where you trained was a good friend of your new boss in physiotherapy, whose name was George.

After that day you went through a few more conversations with some of the club's staff, to sign all the legal paperwork, and terms of employment; What has been 3 days since your interview, but lucky for you you would only work the other week, and today was already that day. You were so excited and nervous, you had little knowledge of the Tottenham players but you knew Son, Harry Cane, Emerson and Richarlison.

As soon as you arrived at your work environment, you found yourself organizing your own room to get ready for the athletes you were going to attend, and after that you changed your clothes for the uniform left to you by Tottenham in your room. Your living room was cool so you wore a black tank top and team shorts, you didn't know if you wore the full outfit so you just got the shorts and your white lab coat instead of the jacket.

You found yourself looking in the mirror for a few seconds, and then you smiled when you saw the Tottenham crest on your shorts. "I really don't know if I should wear this lab coat… what if it's too formal?" - I was soon taken out of my little conversation by the door being opened, as soon as I turned around I was face to face with 2 athletes, these being Son and Richarlison, God help me not to panic! Son had one hand around Richarlison and his arm around her neck.

"We are so sorry Doctor..." - "y/n please, what happened?" - I said worried going to them and helping Son to sit Richarlison in my chair, as soon as I sat down he touched his thigh hissing in pain.

“We were at the gym talking after training and God, we were sitting on the floor and Ivan was going to put the gym weight in the right place, but he accidentally fell and landed on Rich thigh" - He said running a hand through his hair, he was worried about Your Friend.

"We haven't found anyone else from the physical therapy team, could you take a look at him?"

"Don't worry, I'll take a look." - I nodded and knelt beside Richarlison, before touching him I looked at him "I'm going to lift your shorts a little ok? And let me know if anything hurts" - He nodded and I gently pulled her shorts up As far as I could, the area was starting to swell and turn red.

With subtle touches I felt the area with both hands, and as soon as I touched it lightly he hissed in pain "Sorry...I'll finish now, Son, can you tell me how heavy the object was?" - I get up going to the drawers and taking out a refreshing spray that would relieve the local pain, and then going to the small fridge that had ice packs.

"I think it was a 4kg...it wouldn't break a bone like that right?" - The Korean said leaving close and giving me space to kneel again beside Richarlison, and so I passed the spray.

"It doesn't hurt a lot anymore when you fall, which leaves the place swollen and painful, it's like hitting your thigh accidentally... hold the ice pack now, okay? It will help to deflate.." - I held his front and he took a while to take more accepted putting on his leg.

"I'm relieved that it's nothing serious, I'll let our colleagues know, our training starts soon, but I'll pack up his everything and take him to his apartment" - he smiled at me and then touched his friend's shoulder who stared at him. "I'll be right back, okay?" - Son said slowly to Richarlison who nodded in agreement and soon left the room.

And so I took a sheet and started making a situation report. "Doctor I...play?" - Richarlison said and I looked again, I didn't understand what he said because I was distracted "Can you repeat that?" - then he did a kick with the other leg. "Play...sabe (You know?)" - He said staring at me, and I then realized, of course, Son said slowly because Richarlison wasn't so fluent in English yet.

I let out a small laugh at my mistake, and he stared at me blankly. "Oh desculpe Richarlison, não sabia que você não era tão fluente em inglês (Oh sorry Richarlison didn't know his English wasn't fully fluent)" .

He then stared at me surprised by the sudden Portuguese "Você fala português, que impressionante, você é Brasileira(You speak Portuguese, how impressive, are you Brazilian girl?)" - Richarlison let out a relieved smile.

"Sim sou Brasileira mais vivo em Londres a 2 anos, sou do Paraná, nascida em Curitiba (Yes I'm Brazilian girl but I've been in London for 2 years, I'm from Paraná, born in Curitiba)" "Que incrível... bem vinda ao Tottenham (How amazing..welcome to Tottenham Doctor)" - He extended his hand and I approached him squeezing, both with a smile on your face.

"Me chame de Lua por favor, como esta sua dor? (Call me y/n please, how is your pain? )" - I said softly touching her wrist to withdraw her hand and then ran my fingers gently over the area.

"Suportável agora.. (Bearable now..)" - He said and then we stared at each other for a few seconds "Isso é bom.. (That's good..)" - I quickly broke the look embarrassed, but kept my composure.

"Quero que venha aqui todo dia pois presciso avalia-lo ate o inchaço sumir e faremos exercícios para ajudar na recuperação, lamento dizer mais nada de treino por 3 dias e nesse período não faça muita força ou exercícios. (I want you to come here every day because I need to evaluate you until the swelling is gone and we will do exercises to help with the recovery, I'm sorry to say no more training for 3 days and in that period don't do too much strength or exercises)".

"Esta bem y/n (It's ok y/n)" - He said my name with so much good that I could swear his smile had ulterior motives.

"Bem.. prescisa de muletas por hoje certo, não quero nenhum peso sobre sua perna (Well..need crutches for today alright, don't want any weight on your leg today)" - I walked over to the corner cupboard where there were two pairs of crutches, I picked them up going to him.

"Vamos achar Son, esta de folga Richarlison (Let's find Son, he's off today Richarlison)" - He agreed and then got up with the support of his hand on the chair and then stood on one leg, when he got up he was so close to me that his chest his collided with my breasts. We both stared at each other again and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, God this room was cool but why is it so hot right now.

His gaze was so serious but at the same time so calm about me. "B-bem deixe-me..ajudar (W-well let me..help)" I said and pulled away a bit putting the crutches under each of his arms.

"Sim... e obrigada y/n (Yes..thank you y/n)" - he said softly "É..so meu trabalho (It's..just my job)" - Said silly and soon the door was opened, we both looked and saw that it was Son.

"I took his things Doctor, bora? (Let's go?)" Son said with a smile to his friend and I couldn't help but laugh hearing him say bora.

"Bora! Bye y/n vejo você amanhã (Let's go! Bye y/n see you tomorrow)" - Richarlison said with a smile to me and I waved to both boys saying goodbye.

As soon as they left I fell to my knees on the floor with my face in my hands.

"Oh God... what a hot man... "

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Leave a comment to know what you think!

[littleplasticrat]

Writer Interview Tag

I'm grateful to have been tagged by @tellmeallaboutit, @my-favourite-zhent and @beesht. Sorry it took so long for me to get around to. Honestly I am blown away that anyone would put me in a 'writer' bucket with the other word crabs

Tellmeallaboutit's interview

My-favourite-zhent's interview

Beesht's interview

My answers below the cut for some NSFW discussion

When did you start writing?

The most recent bout of writing started in December 2023 and was prompted by being insatiably horny for Gortash. This is the first time I've written fanfiction.

I wrote a short novel from 2012-2013 and would put that in the fantasy YA category about a magician who falls in love with a phoenix.

As a kid, I wrote a lot, up until around the age of 16 or so when I realised that I didn't want to live the life of a struggling artist and so set my sights on getting work with more consistent pay than writing books.

I actually do quite a lot of writing for my current job. It's industry-specific instructional writing but I feel that some of the meta-skills are applicable between the two genres.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I really only read horror short fiction recreationally, and I've only written one horror story - which I found super challenging and wouldn't really want to tackle again. Luckily, I'm able to excise the horrors by running TTRPG games and thus don't have to deal with the difficult challenge of making something sound scary.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I haven't been compared to any writers - I simply haven't written enough stuff that isn't solid filth XD

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

Up until I moved house last week, I had a dedicated home office with a large drawing tablet and my mother's boarding school desk from the 1960s. Until I can get an office set up in the guest bedroom of the new house (I'm in no rush), I'm on my laptop at the dining table downstairs or a local cafe.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I try to preach that a hobby should be treated like self-care and so not be a source of stress, but I have the heart of a procrastinator and the bones of a perfectionist; if I waited for the muse to strike me with creative stuff, I wouldn't get anything done.

So, if I'm feeling wigged out about life, I'm not going to force anything, but otherwise I have a 'smash it out' approach of breaking down the work as much as possible and going from there. Any writing I do therefore starts life as a series of bullet points of what exactly I want to happen and in what order, and I build out methodically from there.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

The thrill of fancying someone a lot? Horniness? Butt stuff? LOL

What is your reason for writing?

I want to be the freak I want to see in the world.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Any comment I get is like JAZZ HANDS. Seriously! It's so flattering to have someone slow down and look at my stuff, let alone acknowledge it.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I once read a shitty horror novel where the villain was able to destroy the protagonist's life, because she'd read all his books and so knew him. That rattled me so hard! There's no way I'm skillful enough to develop an authorial voice that isn't my own. So, like, don't think about what my disgusting fanfics say about who I am as a person please [jk]

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'd say the action is pretty clear, and I can crack a joke at the right time. What more could a reader ask for?

How do you feel about your own writing?

I would like there to be more of it but my art will take priority for now <3

I think most people I know write on here have already been tagged several times, so I shall not tag further.

[justxtalking]

I saw your recent post about Killugon's departure, don't you think Gon was feeling kind of determined to get over Killua and move on or something, I'm so sad for thinking that😿

Hi! I'm sorry for not answering you sooner. Busy week (:().

In my post, I said Gon was feeling determined to finish his quest/journey, which is meeting Ging (properly this time). I think this user here did a good job on explaining a bit more about it too. I thought, considering Gon's personality, that he would be feeling determined towards reaching his goal (aka. going to his father). Furthermore, afterwards we see him climb the tree like a little monkey. In my opinion, his determination is only related to this topic.

I think the anime showed more of this emotion at the moment Gon and Killua part.

In the manga, I think we see more of Gon's sadness for leaving Killua, though I think Gon is also trying to put on a brave face at that moment.

(The secret is on his eyebrows lol)

But I don't think Gon wants to move on from Killua at all, so please don't worry about it. Gon loves Killua. If it would have been for him, I think they would have stayed together to be honest. I read this answer someone gave you about this, and I think it was very well-said. I agree with them too.

In relation to Killua, I said that Gon was feeling the following (and I still stand by it):

Sad: Because he's saying goodbye to his best friend.

Grateful: Because of everything Killua has done. (Both are grateful of each other to be honest).

Guilty: Because of how he treated Killua during CAA.

I also thought he may be happy because Killua was with Alluka, but that's just my assumption.

I didn't explain further because I wanted to be concise and focus on the possibility that Gon, just like Killua, left some things unsaid between them (nothing bad, and that's just my own conspiracy theory lol). I also wanted to comment about Gon's way of expressing his feelings in general. I'm sorry if what I wanted to say confused you.

Here is a post about Gon and Killua's departure that I think you may find interesting too. That user is one of my favorites when it comes to hxh meta and they have a lot of metas in relation to Gon and Killua that you may like.

I hope it helps! This scene may be a bit bittersweet and there seems to be unresolved tension between Gon and Killua, but that's because this is not the end of Hunter x Hunter.

I always think of what Togashi said on this interview:

Full interview

In my opinion, it's an open ending made on purpose. We can have that ending as one if we don't want to continue reading the story, but that doesn't mean it's official or that it's the end for Gon and Killua. Specially taking into account that he's working on Hunter x Hunter as we speak. We will even have new chapters on September. We should just wait until it's Gon and Killua's turn again to see what's going to happen with them.

Please have a good day or night, wherever you are.

[sweetswesf]

Update

Hey Fam,

Still grinding and hoping to bring y'all good news soon. My friend/ex-colleague/neighbor who I've been on this unemployment journey with and checking in w/finally got a job. Shout out to her. I knew she would get one before me, and she got a GOOD one. Like...one I have been praying to be at. I was of course happy for her, but it did get me a little sad. I have been working really hard and I feel really far from my goal. I know I shouldn't compare, but I often feel like things take me a super long time. I'm already meeting with my old tech mentor once a week for an hour, doing practice interviews with others for another 2.5 hours a week, getting advice from engineers everywhere, attending 2-hour engineering sessions twice a week, in addition to coding/interview prepping about 6 - 10 hours a day by myself. I know I am operating on God's timing, but I just hope that I'm moving at a pace He wants me to. I am getting better at a lot of these concepts, but I feel like there is still so much I don't know. Every day it feels like I'm adding on to what I need to study. I just need to be patient and keep trying my best.

He reminds us not to be envious of others. I don't want what she wants, I want my own role, I just happen to want to be at the same company, in a similar role, and at this time. I know He has the perfect job for me.  I just am really tired and thought about how sweet her relief is right now. It's been almost 9 months since we were let go and it's been a grind all those 9 months. 9 months of no vacation planning. 9 months of spending much lower than I used to. 9 months of thinking about finances in a somewhat unhealthy way. I've learned a ton. I can cook for myself. I work out more. I'm more frugal. I pray more often. I no longer care about my appearance much or materials that I was DYING to have even months ago. Day in & day out though, it's me problem solving for hours, exhausted in the gym, always cooking & cleaning something with no car. I don't remember the last day I went without crying. Sometimes, I cry so much that I disassociate to the point where I don't even realize I'm crying. Then I snap back into my body and tears are just rolling down my cheeks. I'm grateful I have the ability & funds to do all of these things independently. A lot of people don't.

I've been through a lot. During this time I've even lost another grandparent and another family member's life support. I tried to make my grandfather's funeral and my flight and all the flights that would have gotten me there on time were canceled. My mom is about to move hours away from my hometown to live with her sister that I don't get along with. Makes me feel like I won't even be able to see her because of this and because she rarely ever visits me here. I've been given so much grace and care during this journey though. I need to appreciate what I have but I really want to know if I'm moving at the pace I should. I decided to push out the interviews of the companies I really want to be at so that I can make sure I'm really prepared for them, but will I get there in a reasonable amount of time? Reasonable as in, will I run out all of my savings? I cried. I felt bad for crying because I'm happy for her and I know my blessing is on the way. It was SUCH a mix of emotions. And I knew I wouldn't feel good if she got her role before me. And this is no diss to her. She deserves it. She's been working hard. But I have too. Sometimes when I'm doing the same thing as another person and they do better or go faster than me, which is often the case, especially when I am already giving it everything I have, I feel like there's something wrong with me. I shouldn't feel that. She's had a career slightly longer than mine, but not by much. We're battling different things and God is using us in different ways. I even started thinking, "Well damn, I know I'm living in a more Christian way than her," but that's not how God determines when and how to bless people.

I used it as fuel to work on some hard problems today, and I got a lot done. I even scoped out some more material I want to focus on that will hopefully set me apart in the future. I know timing is up to God and I have to sacrifice my timeline and trust that He's got me and has a great life planned for me. It just feels like I've been on a long streak of "bad news" in a sense? Like, fresh out of college, I didn't get the job I wanted due to racism and ended up interning in Jersey City. I was promised a full time role and they ended up rescinding it and sending me on contract to BUFFALO. Then I moved to the Bay Area and as soon as I got here, my grandmother passed, my parents got divorced, and I landed on the racist team that rejected me. I did get into tech, but I constantly faced racism and bullying there, had vision and roommate issues, and stayed stagnant in my role and salary for YEARS. I did get into a bootcamp and apprenticeship as I dreamed, but I never got the training that I needed and asked for. I didn't even know what I didn't know. I was WAYY below my level technically. Pandemic happened. I had such bad managers and teammates. I couldn't go home because my family was being unsafe, confrontational, and didn't make me feel welcomed. I moved to New York and had the WORST landlord and ended up getting sexually assaulted. I got covid on my 29th bday and celebrated it alone in a hospital bed. I was REALLY close to getting a promotion that was overdue by like 3 years and then I got let go. I've had so many heartbreaks from family, friends, and stupid boys in between and I'm just tired. A lot of good has happened and I have to appreciate that, but man...I'm VERY tired. I know I've grown tremendously and have gotten to do some amazing things and everything happens for a reason but...I'm just tired. That's it. I shouldn't get weary in well doing.

Sometimes the bad is more memorable and easier to harp on because it hits us harder. I know I'm not immune to bad days/bad times and God is putting me through it for my good, but I want to know if this is normal or if these things keep happening because I am causing these things by my actions or mindset. Sometimes I just feel like most people don't go through this. Sometimes, I wish I could just focus on working hard at my job, exercising, eating well, spending frugally, giving generously, investing in myself and the things & people I care about,, praising the Lord, etc. I don't bring drama to no one. I feel like I'm a great friend. I don't want to be at a company I don't want to be at, but will that be God's plan for me. God's plan has often not been my plan, but I have to learn to accept it with open arms and trust that it's for my good. It's just hurt. Will my next decade be full of tears and hard times like this past decade has been? Maybe I need to change my attitude around it all. I pray for that too. It feels like I am often paranoid that something bad will happen given how it feels like such bad news back to back, but I should be hopeful the future. I need to instead assume it's all good in the future and that when bad comes, I'm equipped to handle it. It's okay to admit fatigue, I've heard from pastors. Rejection is simply redirection and delay is God's protection. I just get caught up in thinking if the delay is because I'm not ready. To which, I constantly respond to with, "I'm trying my BEST!" Why does it seem like my best is so much lower than my peers/where I think it should be?

One thing about this "delay" is that I'm learning a lot of system design concepts that I think will make a HUGE difference in my interview score since my score won't be only based on coding and especially now since I'm being considered for Senior roles more and more often. Thank God. Another thing to be so proud of. This is all things I NEEDED to learn. And I need to stop trying to copy every little thing down. It's inefficient. There's just simply not enough time. I need to humble myself and recognize that. Hopefully through highlighting, quizzing and reviewing, I can get retain it.

I'm not going to give up and I hope you don't. I know I'll regret complaining about fatigue when I get an awesome role, and just the thought of even sounding just a little ungrateful doesn't feel great. i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want a relief of some sort. Whatever journey you are on, or unanswered prayers you have, just keep believing in Him, know that you're not alone and that your breakthrough is coming soon...

[modestcatholiclife]

Mid-Lent Reflections

So I'm hoping that today's post will be a little bit different. I've been thinking a lot about this blog and I realised that I've been treating it like an obligation rather than a voluntary personal project.

Since I began converting to Catholicism, things have become rather complication for me. I'm changing as a person and feel very disconnected from my friends, who are all secular, as a result. Additionally, I haven't had a great deal of success in making Catholic friends just yet so I honestly feel quite lonely. During these times, I'm so grateful to God for my lovely fiance who has been the pinnacle of support during this struggle. So this blog gives me an opportunity to talk about those things that I'd like to talk about with friends and potentially connect with people online.

I'd like to try and be a bit more personal and engaging with these posts but I believe that is something I'll find with time. For now, I'll share what I can with you.

Well, right now I'm sick. Nothing serious, I just have a stuffy nose and am very fatigued. I've had to cancel some appointments and interviews and haven't been very productive these past couple of days as a result, which is completely understandable. What's less understandable, though, is that I've honestly been really letting myself down with my Lenten fasts. I haven't been consistent with them at all and the only one I can say that I haven't broken is my fast from meat. I've been on social media almost non-stop and it's been awful. I usually have a block on my phone that keeps me out of most apps from 8pm-9am but I haven't been using it lately. I've been so unproductive for weeks now and have done little to no cleaning around the apartment. It's getting pretty bad here and I'm disappointed in myself. I was hoping to get back onto things this week but of course, now I'm sick. My prayer life has been almost nonexistent. I'm not going to continue, it's not helpful for me to engage in excessive negative self-talk and I should be directing my focus towards improvement, not despondency.

On a more positive note, my early childcare traineeship interviews went incredibly well! So well, in fact, that I was offered the traineeship on the spot during my first interview! I have the contract with me, that I will be signing and returning tomorrow (assuming I'm not still sick) and I'll be starting the job two weeks from today! I've already handed in my letter of resignation to my current job and am looking forward to this new chapter of my life.

I also went to Great Vespers on Saturday night with my lovely fiance. We've just passed the Veneration of the Holy Cross so I have included photos of the Cross from St. Andrew's after Great Vespers on Saturday and St. Volodymyr's after Divine Liturgy on Sunday. This was only my second time attending Great Vespers. I sat near the choir and did my best to participate. Hopefully if I work hard enough, I might be able to join the choir one day.

Lastly, yesterday I spent the day resting and watching movies and anime with my fiance. We watched the first episode of part six of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. So far, I'm not loving it. This is the first part with a female main character and it shows. I don't appreciate how overly sexualised Jolyne is immediately. I'll keep watching it at some point but right now, I'm not super interested. I just watched Chicago for the first time and watching another piece of media about women in prison (even if they aren't there for long) is not capturing my interest. My fiance showed me an episode of an old anime he used to like so I showed him an episode of Ouran High School Host Club, which I watched back in year 7, and he liked it so much we watched a second episode! We also watched Mad Max: Fury Road together. Later on, we watched Josie and the Pussycats, which he highly enjoyed and I would highly recommend.

[theangiediary]

people you'd like to know better tag thank youu @deanwinchesterpregnant @dyed-red

Last song: Outta Time - Natalia Kills (really the whole Trouble album) ((it IS a Dean song btw))

Currently watching: I've been having a weird time with visual media recently. Saw and disliked Barbie*, saw and loved Steel Magnolias. Very casually trying to get through late seasons spn.

Currently reading: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir. It's good, a little slow. A friend recommended it so I'm trying to get through before I see him in a couple weeks so we can talk about it.

Current obsession: uh. Kink, maybe? Honestly I haven't had a good obsession in a minute, I miss it 😔 but I'm exploring that right now. Went to a waxplay workshop earlier this week, camp later in August (if you're a east coaster and know what I'm talking about... Uh hiii 👀). Getting myself so many presents :)

Tagging: I've seen many moots hit already so taking the lame way out and saying: if you see this, consider yourself tagged!

*Barbie critique (don't read it if you liked the movie ok I'm a hater it will just upset you) ⤵️

It was fine, for an ad. By their own admission Mattel has been struggling as a business, so this- along with the theme park they're building- is to create a "Universe" rather than just physical dolls. The in-movie criticism of Mattel doing things for money doesn't it not true. Look at the sheer volume of collabs, commericals, etc that's happening.

(Same with the "if you want to make this point about not being pretty don't hire Margot Robbie!". Like, cute 🙄. You still did though.)

And as a dyke I was irritated by the treatment of 'weird Barbie'. I had bad vibes from the trailer where Kate offered the Birkenstocks as "truth" and the heels as "ignorance". And the other Barbies calling her "broken" bc she "got played with too hard".... making her only role in Dreamland to "fix" other Barbies while being sooo scary..... ew.

Which leads me to something that really irritates me: people calling this movie "queer"! No! Obviously Weird Barbie (played by a lesbian, and since it relies so heavily on star power/meta it's pretty clear what they were doing) treated poorly, and then Alan.. well. I know some Twitter Gays/Bi love to be "ooh I'm so pathetic and scared 🥺" so great rep for them, but the Kens dance being "homoerotic" after immediately following his rampant misogyny, creepiness/sexualization of Barbie, etc is not, in my opinion, good!

The second half overall was just bad. Ferrera's speech was basic (we've been saying that for 40 years. Happy for you if it you took something from it but did nothing for me). Hated the "Girlbossing through playing a bimbo honeypot" 🙄. Sarcastically grateful that Ken thought the patriarchy was horses otherwise he might have put up a fight! And don't even.. listen I was ready for Barbie not to be Confirmed trans/ace/aro, okay I'm not an idiot, put the final moment being a bait and switch- "is she going to a job interview? NO big bright smile for the gynecologist!" made me so angry. They really said "human womanhood is defined by a pussy 🙂 Please still be pretty, hairless, and happy 🙂". Are you kidding me? #feminism ????

A much better film about womanhood, growing up, and mother-daughter relationships and frankly, queer rep, is Steel Magnolias (1989). Hooo boy. Actually cried. Without spoiling it bc you should watch it, the characters actually had personalities, and conflict, and it felt like you could (and would want to) walk right into Truvy's beauty shop and be part of something. Ouiser was my favorite of course.

[liz-and-the-blue-bird]

Good evening to me

As is tradition for these long personal posts, I am currently moving. Look at my cleaned up desk set up:

Here's a song.

My job suddenly let me go a couple weeks ago. I'm not worried, but... well I'm starting to get worried. I was initially feeling ok, because I actually had an interview lined up for the week following, but that fell through too now so I'm just very nervous.

So I've been saddled with a lot of time to think now. And it's all been bad. I'm basically stuck again. I've moved back with my parents for the time being and it stinks. They haven't been berating me or anything (though I'm sure it will come soon enough), but I just feel so... trapped. I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop, cursed to never escape or... well, to be honest, develop a real relationship.

I'm strongly reminded of my time stuck at my parent's home immediately after I first graduated college. While I had been broken up with the ex for about two years or so by then, it still was grating on me subconsciously, I know because my default state is very extroverted and during maybe the 2-3 years after her, I was very soft spoken and introverted. I didn't reach out to people that much. It felt like I was trying to remember who I was for a little bit, after dedicating a little too much to someone else. Then I felt extra useless because I just couldn't get a job for the life of me, maybe for like 4 months if I remember correctly.

Those were really rough months, as I tried to find meaning in what I was doing.

Well, I feel like I'm in that spot again. Broke up with the same girl. Then sent to live with the parents in the same old room that is now accruing mess because I'm just not a very well kept guy.

I'm really scared right now.

And I've let my mind just wander back to the ex. The problem with this room is I have 2 strong memories of it: 1) being stuck here, not able to find a job and 2) watching the ex sleep in my bed, a little bit sick, waiting for her to wake up so that I can make us dinner. So I start wondering if should contact her, because I feel so much like I'm running out of time. I'm getting too old, or something.

I'm scared I'm gonna be alone forever, or, if I do fall in love again, fall in love in a way that I find disappointing or settle or whatever.

So I start wondering if I should contact her. It's not even just I want to talk to her again about stuff that only we could talk about (as I stated before, she occupied this specific intersection of people that I just don't have anywhere else), I actively just... want that type of relationship connection again.

Then my mind races through whether she would even want to date me again.

Then my mind races through the complexities of dating her again, what friends I'd need to inform, which friends I'd actively keep in the dark because they would reject her and fight me about it, probably for my own good tbh.

Then my mind races through the complexities of, well, dating someone who my brain can't even trust anymore.

My mom isn't helping. If you may remember, after the previous break up, she briefly mentioned "what if you do end up together." I thought that would be the end of it, but recently we were talking about the people in my ex's town having to forget about me for a second time. Then my mom said "hopefully for the last time, but ya know, your dad was saying- oop." and then she changed the topic.

I wonder if I still sound happy when talking about my ex. Because maybe my parents are still wondering if I'm going to forgive her and go back to her. It's been already 3 months after a 5 month long relationship and here I still am.

It's all a mess and then I realize that I really shouldn't contact her or try to even initiate this conversation because it wouldn't work out for one reason or another and then I get trapped in the feeling of being scared and alone forever again.

And I tried to cry today.

I tried. With tears and everything. It didn't really work. I can't really cry unless I'm with someone I'm very comfortable with after telling them what happened. So... The last time I cried with tears was January 28th, in my ex's arms. The first and last time I cried with her. And also the first time I cried with tears since... hm. There was a moment in 2018 where I really broke down and cried in my room. But.. yea. That's it.

See, the thing is, I know I will be ok alone. I know I'll find my own peace and my own happiness being alone. I watched my uncle do it before he passed away. I've watched family friends do it. Hell, I thought I was aromatic until I re-met the ex.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I thought I was aromatic.

After dating her again, I realize that I very very very very clearly am not.

There's a degree of personal happiness that I can't access alone. If my personal happiness goes from 1/10 (deciding if life is worth living) to 10/10 (on a date with a girl who I know likes me), then the degrees of happiness 9/10 and 10/10 are locked unless I'm with someone. I haven't felt 9/10 or 10/10 without dating someone. And I had forgotten this was all the case until I dated her again. When I was alone those 8 years, I thought my 8/10 happy moments was as good as it was gonna get.

It wasn't.

And now I'm scared I'll never be able to reach that degree of happiness again.

Because, you see, I've been looking around. I've been talking to people, trying to find someone new. I've hit some sparks, I can feel some girls liking me. But I don't think I like them the same way I liked the ex.

With the ex, I was ecstatic about her in every way. I wanted to talk about her to everyone I knew. She was 3 hours away, and that 3 hour drive to her house was the greatest amount of anticipation I ever felt. It was exhilarating. Every time.

I still remember the first time I saw her again, she just walked out the door, jumped, surprised because I spooked her from the corner, then she charged and hugged me. And I felt 10/10. I felt 11/10. It was one of the greatest moments of my life.

This isn't a hyperbole.

But I don't know if I'll reach this with someone else.

Maybe I just haven't found the one yet. But I'm scared I'll run out of time. There some part of me that just wants my future wife to be someone I've known for a very long time. I kinda don't want someone new, I want someone I'm familiar with. Someone nostalgic.

I think I'm just imposing what my ex and I had onto future girls, which is causing me to not accept different kinds of interactions with them. But I really don't know how else to describe it other than they don't make me as excited. I'm not getting that spark. I don't get it. I just.. don't understand. I guess I'm just not over her yet.

And then the final bit is that an old boss of mine contacted me. I think I might take his job, but it's taking a bit longer for it to materialize. However, this job is in small town, Louisiana. The same small town that killed my romanticism 5-ish years ago.

It's a really really good opportunity. It would literally triple-quadruple my previous wage, and, I was not being paid minimum wage or anything. And he says eventually I'd be transferred to New Orleans, so at least I know I wouldn't be trapped in small town, USA.

I'm just.. scared I'll be alone forever.

So I'm trying to decide if I should text her again.

And I really, really shouldn't.

But... maybe.

ah I don't know anymore

[about27th]

why choose the University of Dundee??

i finished my masters degree at the uni last year and recently moved to another city for a new job. Having spent nearly two years in Dundee, i really grew to appreciate the uni and the small-town vibe. that's why, I'm here to convince you --- why you should consider the University of Dundee for higher education!

Uni-wise

a compact campus uni

i know the uni inside out, having been both a student and a staff member. i've used almost every service and facility; it is a great campus uni in a decent size where everything essential is included but never feels overwhelming

need help? the enquiry centre is there for you.. want to meet new people? the global room is the place to be (ps. both offer free tea and coffee during the week) plus, there are free fitness classes during exam periods to help with stress, and international events with free food during festivals!! there's always something fun happening and i really couldn't ask for more from this uni --- it's an absolutely fantastic place to live and study🙌

breakfast club & campus pantry

the uni is very generous in helping with living costs. They run a breakfast club and campus pantry during the semester; students can get a free roll or cereal with a hot drink every morning from mon to fri and get free groceries up to 10 items every 2 weeks. the latter has limited space though running by booking and I had never got a spot (they fill up really fast😭) but the free breakfast was a big big help --- I got fed well and didn't lose a fortune, I'm genuinely grateful for it🙇🏻‍♀️

createspace

this is one of the best perks about joining the uni --- CreateSpace is inside the main library and has awesome tools and devices like 3D printers, sewing and embroidery machines, Cricut devices, and lots of toolkits; they even offer free courses to teach you how to use everything!!

i've used the space to repair my clothes, create gift for my friends, make stickers to sell and even fix my laptop with their tiny screwdrivers; it makes the uni super homie as everything is so handyyyyyyyy, leaving this space behind for my new job is truly my biggest regret💔

rooms for groups & individuals

as i began my job hunting, i found myself needing a private space for job prep, interviews, and also hobbies👀(I started dancing again during that time to reduce stress🤫). after a long search, I discovered that students and staff can actually book any room within the teaching buildings --- there are even piano rooms, fancyyyyyyyyy; all i had to do was find a room, reserve a slot and wait for confirmation, how good is that!

guarantor scheme

the uni introduced this service not too long ago, to help students secure private accommodations more easily; this wasn't available back before I came so I had to either pay extra rent or use a guarantor service, which cost me more money. This new policy is super duper thoughtful, saving students a lot of hassle when relocating to the uk👍

Life-wise

24/7 in-person emotional support

to me, the around the clock emotional support has made the UK a great country to live in. Besides nationwide virtual support available from Samaritans and Breathing Space, etc.. Dundee has a unique Community Wellbeing Centre in the city centre offers 24/7 face to face emotional support for anyone feeling stressed or just needing a chat. Knowing that there's always a place to go to, day or night, has made a huge difference to my anxiety; this exclusive service makes Dundee a wonderful place to live🧘🏻‍♀️

flexible bus tickets

xplore dundee is the primary bus service serving the city centre. i really like their 10-trip bundle tickets that never expire – it’s a great way to save money; plus their group tickets for up to five people, which are perfect for days out with friends or family

you can buy tickets on the bus or on their app; I find the app convenient as i don't need to worry about paper tickets. The only downside is that you can't change your mind once you buy a ticket online --- strict no transfer no refund policies

learning opportunities

sometimes free courses arise exclusively for the Tayside region, including Dundee. i had taken an 8-week online workshop on data management in excel, which was fully sponsored as i meet the minority background requirements (check the pic above) i got a certificate at the end, which is great for my cv; it was a good experience having to upskill and meeting people with the same interests. i highly recommend taking advantage of these opportunities during your time in Dundee!!!

Dundee has so much more to offer than i've mentioned.. it's a small city with everything you need nearby, a low cost of living and have easy access to various Scottish cities (30 mins to Perth, Arbroath, St Andrew; an hour or two journeys to Aberdeen, Stirling, Glasgow, Edinburgh and so on) it's a perfect starting point for anyone new to exploring and living in the country

writing this post brings back so many wonderful memories❤️ while i’m on a new adventure now, Dundee will always hold a special place in my heart --- a place that nurtured me and shaped who I am today; i’m incredibly proud of that

hope you will have a lovely journey here too, just like I did😌

[calespsychoticbubble]

There is just so much.

To say that is an understatement. There is truly just so much going on in my life at this time that there are some days where my life does not feel like my own. I wouldn't say it's necessarily a bad thing, but it does get overwhelming at times.

Working full time has been such a blessing these past few years, and I'm glad that I have never been without work. And my job has been great despite any challenges. I've learned a lot about what I want to do in my work and where my strengths come in handy. I've gradually built relationships with some staff members and I have grown more comfortable being myself at work. The security I feel knowing my job will be there year after year has given me a lot of peace and it came at just the right time. After almost four years of work, I forget that I started in a very different place and being here is something I'm very grateful for. At the same time, work is tiring. It's relentless, Monday to Friday (although it's a blessing I don't work on weekends), and as an introvert I give a lot of energy to serve my colleagues and my students. And with so many other things going on outside of work, I find myself distracted, thinking about everything else on my plate. During those times, I am not giving my best effort.

It's why, even though I am quite occupied, I try not to work on my masters course while I am at work. Splitting my attention during the work day has not been very effective and I would prefer to do one thing at a time. That means, when I get home, I do have to take time each evening to do course work. That might be reading, writing a response, filming a video (for my current class), responding to others, researching for projects, etc. I try to be diligent and stay ahead of the schedule so that I have buffer days for when I can't make time or I get sick (which did happen earlier this year), so there are days where I can have two or three hours of work. Fortunately, my fiance also has work to do in the evenings so we tend to spend many days a week just working in the same space, but we still try to make time to talk and engage in hobbies together. I am grateful that I get to study while working, as my courses are related to my work, but balancing the two takes some care that I get tired of doing. God has been very gracious in giving me time when I need it, so I haven't handed in anything late or missed assignments, but the mental exhaustion of it is hard.

On top of those things, I am also engaged and planning a wedding. My fiance and I discussed for a while before getting engaged, so it's not like it was a surprise, but I guess I forgot how much work planning a wedding can be. We take an hour or so each week to do wedding-related things, sometimes more if we can, but it's slow work that sometimes sparks disagreement. My fiance and I mostly debate about how to do things (I want it efficient, he wants it (as close to) perfect), and the frustration comes from that. Not that our disagreements have been terrible, but we do get into debates and need to reset because we're losing sight of the original question. I wish things could be done faster sometimes, but both of us do have a lot going on and I'm trying to be patient and gracious in these moments.

And as if that weren't enough, my fiance is now applying to jobs and wondering if we should relocate for a few years. We've been talking about this for at least a month or so when he first started doing interviews, and I said that I would be fine if it was short term (under 5 years), abroad was fine if it was only one or two years, but we would have to discuss seriously if it was really an option. And lo and behold, he might get an offer from a job in another city in Canada. It's been stressful for him going through all these job interviews, but his efforts have proved fruitful as he not only has that job offer potentially on the way, but potentially two others as well. With all these potential options on our table, we've been talking for days trying to figure out what to do. Do we stay where we've been for five years and just keep living as we have been, even though the job here is not as interesting or helpful for his career? Or do we take a risk and move to another city where we don't know anyone, don't have our community, but would be aligned with his research interests and would be a great first step for his career? Albeit, my fiance has said the move would only be temporary, and we would only stay in that city as long as we liked it/were called to stay. If even after a year it's not working, we would leave. Those thoughts might be idealistic, but I would want it to be short term because of the community we have here already. Through much discussion and some tears, as we spoke to my parents about these options and they gave their perspective and advice, we are still undecided, partially because we are waiting for official offers from these companies.

With all of this going on, it truly is so much. I don't know if it's all supposed to happen at once, but this is what is happening in my life. I never planned to be this busy and this packed, but here I am. I always said I wasn't going to plan a wedding while I was still in school, but now I'm planning a wedding while working and doing school. Life is so crazy sometimes and there's just so much to think about. I've been praying about it in my daily devotions and journaling, and my fiance has also been praying on his own, and we've also been praying together to see where God will lead us. Are we called to stay? To leave? Is it time for me to take a pause in my work to focus on my studies and support my fiance in his first career job?

All of this might be answered in the next couple weeks as the offers come in, so we are continuing to pray and ask some of the older figures in our lives on what to do. I pray that God would lead us to make the decision that would best glorify Him and aligns with His plan for us.

[akai-anna]

hiya, it's your DCMK gift giver! has it really been over a week?? sorry for not messaging you before then--- but! Your gift should be coming out sometime on February 11th :D Although, I'm not sure what time zone you're in, so give or take depending on when I've posted it that day?? Either way, it's coming your way! No way to stop it! I'm really grateful for the patience you've given me, thank you! ^_^

I'm glad your interview was good, and that your job is enjoyable! It's always such a relief when that happens, huh? But gosh, I'm glad no one was hurt when your car was destroyed too! I hope the damage hasn't caused too much trouble for you guys?

Things have definitely settled down further for me--- it feels like things always happen during the holidays! But I guess they're just more memorable because they happen during that time of year? Either way, February will hopefully be great!

gahhh the elementary squad and our two shrunken adults make me so emotionalll

And oooo! I remember seeing posts about your reread a semi-while ago! I love watching old episodes and stuff, but I admittedly haven't reread the actual old chapters in a while! How has it been? Noticed anything that's been drastically changed compared to current chapters?

as for my fic preferences, honestly i'm pretty open to anything if it's good, but fic about the early-ish game (ran, kogoro, conan, detective boys & Haibara, takagi, etc) cast is usually the ones i like and understand the best ^_^ Identity reveals is one of your favored tropes, right? How do you imagine that would like. Actually Play out in the series?? Or how you would like it to play out?

And soulmate AUs too! What do you think you like about that universe? DCMK has such surprisingly good soulmate AUs--- it's probably one of the only fandoms where I see a good chunk of platonic soulmates, which is always nice

SHOW ME ALL THE PICTURES OF YOUR DOGS I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN (if A Dog Looked At Me and asked for something I would Simply Do It) how long have you had her??

and oohhhhhh those old manga sites ey? That's so cool! I know it was like a long time ago, so no pressure to remember, but would you say there was anything different about the story/characters in Hungarian as opposed to English? I remember reading a couple of books whose characters have like, a *completely* different vibe in their original language compared to English

first fandom experience is all indeed a treasure-- i was always a lurker in my early days, but it is so nostalgic, isn't it? and hahaha totally not obsessed at all for me too *sweats and laughs as well*

it does feel like coming home :,)

for moi? how I got into detective conan? Goshhh it's weird because i have a very specific memory when I was younger of watching the rollercoaster episode in the english dub (censored blood and everything) at 2 AM on adult swim or something? And I was like, INTO the episode and the episodes following it so much, but then I never found it again! And then like, years later, I find the NEW episodes and start watching it, and then realize that's where that very specific memory came from! It was hard to find the old episodes at that time, but I searched high and low of the internet for them, eventually found them, and got into it! And, well... here we are too!

Oh! I feel like I should have a new question with every ask, so lemme ask another. You said Conan's usually your main focus (and honestly, probably with me too, he's the fandom's special lil guy), right? If you like making headcanons, do you have any personal headcanons for him?

I feel like I ask quite a few questions in these asks, haha, so don't be obliged to answer all of them~!

I love hearing your thoughts too, so I hope we talk again too! Sorry again for the wait, even if you said no pressure. Anywho, I hope you have a relaxing day ahead of you ^_^

HELLO THERE DARLING, I'M HAPPY TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!

And thank you for letting me know!!! I'm currently GMT+1, and I will definitely keep my eyes peeled on that day. *vibrates excitedly*

Either way, it's coming your way! No way to stop it!

I also love how this sounds so positively ominous! *laughs*

And gosh, truly no problem! It's the least I could do! Thank YOU for your willingness to be my gifter and all your effort!

And it's certainly nice, having a job that doesn't stresses me out 24/7, and allows me to breathe. And one that I find joy in, so far. It really makes a difference.

And thank you, we are glad that no one got hurt. As for the car... *cringes* Let's say that we have some new expenses to think about. We'll... manage something.

Holidays are always super busy for us, and yeah, usually life has a way of striking around holidays for sure sdjfnfkjsg- (Partly why I decided to join this exchange: not happening in the holiday season, which means less stress and more time to have fun!)

I'm happy to hear things settled down a bit for you! May your February be great and blessed! <3

THE ELEMENTARY SQUAD AND OUR DEAR FAKE CHILDREN ARE GOOD AT THAT. I especially love how the friendship affects both sides: so much inspiration there, gosh.

Still doing the reread, yup! (Currently in the middle of the Okino Yoko case.) Going slowly thanks to me wanting to do way too many things at once and life being life and throwing unexpected responsibilities my way which I need to attend to.

Nothing truly new so far. Though, my opinion has been the same for a while on Olde VS New chapters. Cases used to feel more genuine, and had different vibes. They felt more organic in a way. New stuff is just... well, let's say I generally don't have a flattering opinion on new content. I tend to like little scenes or interactions, rather than the whole cases now. Somehow older cases feel like... even if they didn't advance the plot, they felt like there was a purpose to them, other than just stalling for time. Newer non-plot related cases feel a bit... empty? Transparent? I'm not sure what is the right word to describe it. (Perhaps the best way to put it that the heart/passion/love is missing from them?)

I personally tend to go back to older chapters a lot: there is just so much charm to them, and they bring me so much comfort. (Same with rewatching.)

But as I'm also rewatching the anime (oh dear) it's interesting to see the differences between the anime and manga. Earlier anime tends to deviate from manga in some cases (like adding the Detective Boys to the mix from episode 1, or changing some of the plot for certain cases), while in the middle-ground the anime includes extra scenes (which are not in the manga). Also one can observe how earlier episodes have a faster pace to fit 1 case into 1 episode (and thus cutting certain manga scenes), while later on they make episodes slower paced... But I'm realizing that I'm rambling again. *coughs* Moving on.

*taps chin* Given that information, I have a couple fics in mind. *nods* I need a bit of time to gather the fics I want to rec you, so I'll be getting back to this!

THIS ALSO REMINDS ME!!! THAT I HAVE READ AND CAUGHT UP TO THE MOST RECENT UPDATE IN FORGED! Gosh this fic, bless you for reccing it, I absolutely ADORE IT: the way the author took both stories and merged them in such an organic way, keeping the charm of both... Such great execution, and I'm in love with the character interactions in this, truly, thank you, I can safely say that this fic now made it onto my Eternal Favourites list.

And gosh, yes, I'm generally weak for the identity reveal trope ( and not just in DetCo, but others too, like Miraculous Ladybug or Danny Phantom).

And... I have very different answers for How It Would Actually Play Out and How I would Like It To Play Out.

A very short summary (sorry, had a long day and my battery is low, brain is slow) of how I imagine it would go in Gosho-Canon: Shinichi only tells Ran he was Conan (not the full extent of all, I think, just parts of it) only after the BO is down, Ran forgives him without much issue, and a most general happy ending. Marry, kids, and the like, or being back to the old everydays (but now dating). Kazuha might be told too, but I sort of think Gosho would gloss over that detail. I'm not sure how the Detective Boys would fair in this situation, I sort of feel their situation might be glossed over too.

As for how I would like it to play out: at this point in time Ran (and I want to think Kogorou too!) would have already figured the Shinichi=Conan thing out and stuck with that belief (HELLO, SUSPICION ARCS? ALSO OCCHAN IS A DETECTIVE AND EX-POLICE OFFICER?) OR Shinichi would have already told Ran (HELLO DESPERATE REVIVAL ARC? ALSO THE VERY FIRST NIGHT OF CONAN'S EXISTENCE?). And I want to think Kazuha would be in the know too, at this point. (Either told or figured it out herself.)

But if you mean without alterations to the current canon: I think Shinichi would finally tell Ran about PART of the situation (perhaps in a rush bc of danger or after BO take down) be it as Conan or Shinichi. I believe Ran would need a lot of time to think on this (all those lies, the gaslighting [I don't use the word lightly, I really think it applies here], the breach of trust), but I think she, being the kind, gentle yet strong soul she is, would forgive Shinichi. Shinichi would need to work hard to regain Ran's trust, but I think in the long run, they would work it out, since they are very important to each other (as I ramble about it in this particular Relationship Bingo ask, ShinRan is the ultimate example of the soulmate trope to me). Compared to how I imagine Gosho-Canon, this would take a lot more time. And this would also include telling the kids about the situation, and Occhan, and Kazuha too, and some of Shinichi's other allies too. (All the bonds and connections he made as Conan, gosh, GOSH, so many, I refuse, REFUSE to believe Shinichi would just let these bonds go. LIKE ONE TAKAGI WATARU!!!!)

Now I'm curious how you would see this go down, so I would like to throw back the question at you: how would you imagine (be it altered or not-altered from canon) the reveal play out?

I think what I love about the soulmate trope... is the potential. I love seeing various interpretations of the trope, be it romantic or platonic. How the concept of soulmates are treated in universe (is it common? is it rare? is it special? also what is the view on soulmates?) and by the characters themselves (do they see it as determinism? do they want to ignore it? are they fond of the concept? or even obsessed with finding their soulmate?), and what the people involved in the soulmate bond make of that connection.

And yes, there are so many good platonic soulmate fics in DCMK fandom! (I go on the hunt regularly so I know, haha.)

More Rosie Pics Incoming: LOOK AT MY TINY BABY GIRL.

(And gosh, same, I Adore Dogs so much, SUCH DARLINGS THEY ARE and I'm weak-) And I've had her since she was a tiny fluffball -

(God she used to be SO TINY. Well... Tinier.) - when we brought her home on one memorable May 1st, 10 (!!!!) years ago.

It was a pretty cool site for sure, and something very unique at the time (for Hungary at least). As for what was memorable and different... I guess some names and Heiji's accent! The fan-translator at the time tried to localize them.

It's not the manga, but since we have the first 2 seasons and the first movie of DetCo dubbed in Hungarian... Shinichi/Conan has more of a cheeky vibe to him, than in the original Japanese. And there are some really hilarious (in a good way) words and phrases he uses. So Much Attitude In Such A Small Body.

Very nostalgic indeed. :3

And I love how you have that very specific memory, especially of the first episode! *laughs* It is certainly a case that leaves an impression (high velocity decapitation kjdfnkjgnkd). Your story also reminds me of my first anime experience a bit. :')

And gosh, he is really the fandom's special lil guy for real (and I love that). And I sure do (and I adore headcanons)! But it's also late, and I have an early day tomorrow too, thus no headcanons today. Though, I will definitely include some headcanons about Shinichi/Conan together with my fic recs for you! -> EDIT: HERE IS THE POST WITH SOME RECS AND HEADCANONS!!!

Dear. Darling. Please. I LOVE QUESTIONS. I just tend to ramble too much, so it takes me time to answer (and of [free] time, I have a much smaller amount than I'd like), and I'm also easily distracted which doesn't help. So, ask as much as you'd like, and I'll try to answer as soon as I can manage!

Now a question for you: do you have a favourite case? If so, which one(s) and why?

Thank you for chatting with me (and also indulging me), and I'm very excited at the prospect of talking with you again soon! And no worries, as I said, no pressure and I meant it! <3

And *laughs* not much relaxing today, but I think I will have a good sleep if nothing else. :'D And perhaps I can catch a bit of relaxing tomorrow afternoon (hopefully)!

Whatever time it may be for you, I hope you are enjoying yourself, dearie!

[soft-epilogue-continues]

5.10.23

Ok so I got nothing done yesterday except the project update and filing my nails. In my defense, the novel-length fic I was reading was really good and brought me lots of joy.

I have spent the past half an hour working on my own fic so that I could get it out of my system, though this has made me even more excited to work on it and I hope I can keep that excitement up this evening. With any luck I'll be able to edit this chapter and post it tonight!

Also in my defense of yesterday's zero output, I started looking for a new job, which I do every once in a while when the ennui gets to be too much.

My thought is that if I transition away from being a software engineer and go to being a product manager I would have all the same bullshit I'm dealing with now but with none of the inferiority anguish I feel from being a shit programmer. I have a few options in this regard:

Apply for a product manager role I don't necessarily want just to have the interviewing practice and see if I can get such a job.

Attempt to transition to a similar role at my current company to see if I even like it.

Put my nose to the grindstone and become a better programmer even though every bone in my body is screaming that while I am capable of this, I do not want to do this.

At the moment I want to do option 2 though I suppose I should also make more of an effort at option 3. Regardless I think I'm giving myself until next March for a few reasons:

I don't want to give back my new work laptop and it will officially become mine in March 2024.

All of my stock options will have vested by then and I will have had the opportunity to exercise as much of them as possible (need to get on this this year actually so taxes are less of a headache).

I will have gone through another review cycle which, according to my last one, means I might get promoted if I get my ass in gear since the only thing holding me back is how slowly I deliver completed projects, a fixable thing.

The length of time will give me a chance to "design my work life" (as per that book of the same name that I will be going through) and see, in the most risk-averse way possible, if I even like the work required of a product manager. To that end there are a few things I can start doing now that I know of without even going through that book's work sheets, such as attending my working group's assessment meeting tomorrow and maybe checking out the work done by the current product team, of which I am not 100% certain that we even have one as such. All of this I will record in the incredible Japanese notebook/bullet journal with my incredible Japanese pen (pictured above) that I bought on my work trip to Tokyo two weeks ago (just another thing to be grateful for about this job - I get to go on awesome trips!)

Ok! Enough outlining grand plans, the to do list!

Work:

Quantitative experiment analysis

Qualitative analysis

Phone roaming charges reimbursement I have checked on this and I have not yet been charged for international stuff

Work trip photos, part 1 Done though I will take a break here and actually share them with my coworkers another time, I've spent enough time on this today

Read the assessment before tomorrow's meeting

Investigate the product team

Go through mountain of receipts for reimbursements

Registration form for upcoming all company meet up

Personal Admin/Life:

Exercise

Cook dinner

Health expenses substantiation

Budget

Personal Creative:

Work on fic #1

Work on digital painting

Self portrait?

Volunteering!!! (I am so behind on this. This is actually a programming project of the computational linguistics variety which is its own possible career exploration, not to mention actually interesting, so I can't neglect this!)