#i have a harder time keeping myself from seeking them out

[richarlotte]

something on your mind?

Time to talk about love.

My friends, my good friends who are in Chicago, D.C., Montreal, Philly, and New York and who are in amazing relationships, share one thing: they focused on bettering their lives and themselves, and good men fit into the picture they were focused on painting. There was no “I’m going to find a good man and do the work later,” and there were no excuses made as to why they were neglecting themselves in favor of finding someone to take care of them; there were many distinct efforts made to better themselves, and when the right people came along, things fell into place naturally on both sides and progressed smoothly.

 

There’s a lot of focus on whether someone will fit into your life on Tumblr, but not a lot of talk about what’s going on on the other side. If you’re unhealed, uneducated, emotionally unstable, and unfit for a relationship, do you really think that you’ll find someone who’ll want to stay with you and do the healing for you? I say this not to be unkind but to be realistic. In order to form a strong, long-lasting relationship with someone, you have to be healthy and ready to deal with the conflicts and disappointments that occur in anyone’s life. If you have never had to deal with the things that can arise in any romantic relationship and you’re not mentally prepared to in the first place, you’ll find that it’ll be harder for you to keep things together and remain stable when life feels hard.

 

I have been in relationships before—healthy relationships—and I have thrived in them. But I’m also a person with trauma, and I know how that trauma presents itself and I know my triggers. It took me plenty of therapy, lots of listening to myself and acknowledging my feelings, and tons of breakups before I recognized both what I needed and what I was subconsciously seeking out. All of my friends who have made their longterm relationships last know what they’re looking for, know what they need, and know themselves well enough to walk away before things end on bad terms. Self-work must be done if you want to truly thrive in life, and you must have the ability to reflect on the things you could have done better.

 

Myself and the people I’ve known who’ve gone from struggling to thriving in relationships all share one common denominator: we’ve done the hard work associated with success, and we’re all willing to continue doing the work needed to get what we want. It’s incredibly hard and very damaging to one’s psyche to go through life with a clear image of what you want in your mind but a lack of awareness that limits you from getting what you want. It’s important to understand that you can overcome the obstacles in your own path and you can also overcome being an obstacle yourself. There are effective ways to heal, books you can immerse yourself in, therapists you can see, and things you can do to build yourself up so that you can thrive and feel more confident in your love life.

TL;DR:

You have to be willing to do the inner work before you seek out a romantic partner. A relationship won’t repair you if you feel broken; only you can heal yourself and fix your trauma. It’s an important part of finding yourself and finding a love that lasts and feels healthy.

[thedensworld]

I need your fluff scoups please🥺

Time for the Rose | C.Sc

Pairing: Scoups x Readera

Genre: Fluff, established relationship

Summary: you found out how he always got you flower at the perfect time.

Not only are you dating at the perfect time, but you are also dating the perfect man. Seungcheol loves giving you flowers ever since he discovered your secret fondness for them. It was during his first visit to your place when he noticed a bouquet of fresh flowers laying on your kitchen countertop. His mind immediately raced, wondering, "Who's the guy brave enough to give you flowers?" Especially when he thought he had made it clear to everyone that you were his.

"I got those myself after work," you explained, noticing the puzzled look on his face.

Seungcheol tilted his head, still uncertain. "You got them?" he asked, seeking confirmation. You nodded enthusiastically, taking the bouquet and showing it to him.

"Isn't it pretty? I usually get roses, but they were sold out. So daisies are my second choice," you said with a bright smile.

Seungcheol smiled back, charmed by your excitement over the flowers. To him, they paled in comparison to your beauty. In his eyes, you were the most beautiful thing in the room.

From that moment on, Seungcheol made it a point to bring you flowers regularly. It became his way of showing his affection and making sure that the sight of fresh blooms never left your kitchen countertop.

He loves seeing the flowers he gives you sit in vases around your house. Sometimes they are red, pink, or white. You always say that the kind doesn't matter, but he knows you love it every time he hands you red roses. The smile on your face that reaches your eyes, the sound of your laughter every time he shows up from afar with a bouquet in his hand—these are the moments he cherishes the most.

Oh, how he loves those moments. He makes sure to keep them forever, capturing each one in his heart like a precious photograph.

Besides that, Seungcheol loves that you get flowers for other people, a fact that makes him fall even harder for you. It was lunchtime when he picked you up from work to have lunch together. On the way back to the office, you asked him to stop at the flower shop.

"Didn't I get you some flowers just a few days ago, love?" he asked, worried that maybe he was forgetting something.

You nodded with a smile. "These are for Minji. It's her birthday today."

Seungcheol watched as your smile grew wider the moment you entered the flower shop. Your eyes closed with every breath you took, savoring the scent of the flowers. He couldn't help but look at your face closely, feeling grateful to be the man standing beside you with your arm linked to his.

Seeing you this happy over something so simple made his heart swell with love. He couldn't imagine anyone else being in his place, sharing these precious moments with you.

"What do you want to get for her?" he asked, his mouth drawing closer to your ear, a habit he had whenever he spoke to you.

You turned your head to him, your eyes sparkling. "I was thinking of getting yellow roses, but everything looks so pretty here," you said, your mouth pouting in a way that Seungcheol found utterly adorable.

"Why do you like flowers so much?" Seungcheol finally asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"They're pretty," you said simply. "And they have meaning. You know I love things that are subtle and symbolic."

Seungcheol nodded. You always had a penchant for the symbolic, for gestures that spoke volumes without needing words. It was one of the many things he adored about you.

"Like yellow roses for friendship, sunflowers to show adoration, and irises to show faith and hope," you continued.

Seungcheol smiled, his thoughts drifting to your favorite flower. "How about red and white roses?" he asked.

You pondered for a moment before selecting yellow lilies and white daisies for Minji and asking the staff to arrange them into a bouquet. You shifted your attention back to him and smiled. "Love and purity."

Seungcheol shook his head in disbelief, guiding you out of the store. Though he prided himself on his masculinity, he found himself considering learning about flowers just for you. Every time he saw the joy they brought to your face, he knew it was worth it.

*

You finally visited Seungcheol's office after a long time. He had sent you a text earlier saying he would be busy today and couldn’t pick you up for lunch. However, you asked if it would be okay to visit him instead, and his response was ecstatic. Seungcheol just loved having you around.

Seungcheol waited for you in front of the elevator, a wide smile spreading across his face as soon as he saw your figure revealed by the opening doors. He immediately took everything from your hands, the lunch you brought for the two of you, as he walked you to his office. His staff mostly knew who you were by now. Seungcheol had made it clear that he was dating someone amazing and had proudly introduced you to everyone. They seemed to enjoy the sight of their boss looking completely smitten every time you visited.

Once inside his office, Seungcheol set the lunch down on his desk and turned to you, his eyes filled with affection. "I’m so glad you came," he said, pulling you into a warm embrace.

You two were conversing comfortably as you savored the lunch you brought. You asked him about the job that had kept him busy, and he explained it to you in detail. While talking, your eyes wandered around his office and landed on something that piqued your interest. A single red rose sat in a vase on his desk.

"You have a rose in your office?" you asked excitedly.

He nodded with a smile. "That's your flower."

You didn't understand, so you asked, "What do you mean, my flower?"

"I always take one of your flowers and take care of it just like you do, so I know when it's time to get you another one," he explained.

Your body felt like it had stopped working. That's how he knew how long they would last.

Everything made sense now. He always seemed to know the perfect time to get you a bouquet of flowers—always exactly a day before your current ones began to wilt. Typically, your flowers would last 10 days to two weeks, but sometimes they withered sooner. Yet, Seungcheol always had another bouquet ready, as if he had been with you, watching over the flowers together.

You smiled, feeling a rush of warmth and affection. "You really pay attention to everything, don't you?"

He shrugged with a modest grin. "I just want to make sure you always have something beautiful to look at."

You reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently. "Thank you, Seungcheol. For everything."

He leaned in, "anything for you," he murmured, his voice filled with sincerity.

You looked him in the eyes, your gaze full of adoration, and you couldn't help but pull him closer and kiss him right away. He seemed flustered and mumbled, "We're at my office, love," but you didn't care. You loved him so much and felt an urgent need to let him know.

"I love you, babe," you whispered, smiling as your palm rested on his cheek, caressing it slowly.

Seungcheol closed his eyes as his smile grew wider. "Fuck it, I love you too, love," he said before grabbing the nape of your neck and pulling you in for a kiss.

A kiss at lunchtime in his office.

Seungcheol was glad he had installed blinds in his office two weeks ago.

[tinygrove]

Decent Man Pt.1

The second part

Pairing: Cregan Stark/fem!reader

Author's Note: I've decided to split this into 2 parts just to give myself a chance to work on the ending but I was eager to get something written. This is the first fanfiction I've wrote, or at least posted on this account so I hope it's not too bad.

Summary: You're newly wed to Lord Stark after having only been courted for barely a month. Although the anxieties of having to perform as a 'royal' wife start to eat at you, Cregan proves to be a decent husband.

You must have done it, how else would you be alone in his chambers. Blocking out all the noise and going through the motions would only get you so far. You couldn’t even remember the vows. Lord Stark had arranged for there to be no bedding ceremony, perhaps an act of mercy. You’ve heard some lords complain they simply want their lady wives all to themselves, untouched and unspoiled. You were neither. You weren’t sure if your Lord husband was either. 

You hadn’t learned much about him during your courting, not that it lasted long. Your father practically jumped at the opportunity for a stronger alliance to the most powerful house in the North. It must have appeased Lord Stark as well, seeing how quickly he’d agreed to the marriage, it had barely taken place a fortnight after you’d met. Now though, you were in his room, none to accompany you but your ladies in waiting. A few had come with you from your own keep, or rather your fathers. And one or two had been appointed to you since coming to Winterfell to stay. You could hardly form the words to tell them you could undress yourself. Maybe it was the cloak weighing you down, making it harder to breath the harsh winter air. You let it slip off your shoulders and yet you still feel heavy, a weight in your chest and a hard lump in your throat. 

Hearing the thick wooden door swing open and shut after heavy footfalls and quick scurrying of feet made the pit in your stomach sink even lower. “Are you well?” He asked, definitely due to your silent stewing. The whole night you’ve been lost in your own thoughts. 

“Yes, I am well, thank you.” You force a courteous smile to you face, although more brief and sour than you’d intended. You figure you’ll have to do a lot more of that in the coming years. “You do not look well.” Your not sure he says so in a demeaning way, more so that he’s seen through your flimsy facade. Or maybe he’s focused on the way your hands desperately seek purchase on your gown as your eyes start to brim with tears. You can’t control it when they start to spill. 

“There is no need for us to,” He gestures between you with a sigh, trying to supplement actions for words. “Consummate the marriage tonight, if you do not wish it.” He tries to search your eyes for any sort of answer but you avoid his gaze. “Did you hear-” 

“Let’s just get it over with.” You say, voice low and wavering with all it’s strength to keep it from cracking. Another stray tear falls down your cheek as you reach behind yourself for the laces of your gown but two large hands hold your arms still. 

“You truly think so little of me? That I would– Like I said, there is no need to consummate the marriage tonight.” He brings your arms out from behind your back, holding your chilled hands in his. His fingers and palms are calloused, yet his grip gentle. “I barely had a chance to court you before we wed, perhaps we might come to know each other before; that.” Your eyes flicker down to where his hands encompass yours, and he quickly recedes after catching on but strangely, you find yourself missing his warmth. 

As your eyes find his once more he continues. “I shall have a few ladies in your service prepare a chamber for you. I know you’ve not had space for your things but I assure you they’ve been taken care of. In the mean time though you’ll need to take your rest here.” He turns to make for the door and surprisingly a part of you longs for him to stay. The brief bit of kindness he’s shown to you is more than you can say for those that attended your wedding. Your father truly had not exaggerated the icy attitude of those in the North. Lord Stark however, to see his wintry exterior slowly melt away has made it almost impossible to detest him. “I will see you on the morrow, my lady.” He opens the door and a cold breeze comes over you, yet you don’t shiver, the cold only emboldens you. “Thank you, Lord Stark, for your kindness.” your voice is somewhat steady now, no longer fighting an imminent sob. He nods at your words, “Cregan will do just fine, my lady.” You’re alone now and the chill is gone. All the warmth radiating from the hearth is slowly becoming too much to bear even as it smolders to embers. The absence of your Lord husband leaves you feeling alone now, more than you’ve ever been.

[strangelittlestories]

There’s a larp (live action roleplaying) game that I play, where there exists a creature we have dubbed a ‘Chronovore’.

This planet-sized sci-fi beastie eats time via a cool-ass external digestive system that ranges out from its main corpus (what are effectively its digestive enzymes look like glowing blue-winged angels, which are creepy as sin).

My character in this game fell victim to said chronovoric digestion and was aged 30 years by the experience. They lost what they expected to be the most valuable years of their life - the time when they expected to most make a difference to the universe.

I have a lot of emotions about this. Especially because when I look at my life aged 39 and consider the shape I am trying to hammer it into, one thought keeps recurring: I wish I had started this work sooner.

And then I consider my ADHD (a condition I am really certain I have, but am still seeking diagnosis for) and damn if I do not feel like it straight up ate decades of my life.

That’s how it feels, gang. There’s this bubbling resentful rage and grief for years spent with an invisible wall between me and what I wanted. For the nights where I spent (and still spend) revenge procrastinating and wrecking my days. For all the hours chasing short-term dopamine that was often destructive for me.

Hours. Days. Years. Eaten by a part of me that often feels like a monster squatting in my brain, hiding in my bones.

It reminds me, too, of that scene from a Hammer Horror movie where a monster expert is talking about vampires and says something like “Oh, you still think vamps are just things with big teeth that gotta bite your neck and drink your blood? Sweet baby, there’s all kinds of these creatures; some of them just fully suck your life straight out of your soul.”

This is why I don’t think I’ll ever think of my ADHD as a superpower. Or, at least, if it is: it’s from one of those gritty think piece superhero stories where your power is also a hecking curse.

I am preoccupied by what my own brain has taken from me.

And the thing is: it’s not really true. At least, not all the way true.

Those years I think of as lost were filled with good times. I made meaningful connections. I wrote poems and stories that I love. I performed art that meant something to me in front of people who enjoyed it. I consumed a lot of good media. I learned and dreamed and tried really hard to be a person I could be happy being.

But I also let a lot of the things fall into the background. I started a lot, but didn’t finish a lot. I missed the chance to work on skills that are now harder to learn because I’m older.

So I find myself cursing the Chronovore.

I nearly wrote this as a piece of fiction. If I had, I would probably have ended with the protagonist finding a way to subvert or redeem or work with the Chronovore.

Maybe the satisfying ending just this: none of us get as much time as we want. We all give time away - whether it be taxed by things we resent or gifted to what is important.

The Chronovore is not special.

And if it is not special, then it is mutable.

Maybe that is enough.

[daenysx]

i'm fooling myself into believing i actually have james here, writing this made me feel a little better. i hope you like it too♡

james potter x fem!reader

james strokes your arm with ghostlike fingers.

you lean into the touch instantly, let him keep you close to his body in bed. your shirt wrinkles as you slide yourself to him, naked legs move forward to be wrapped around his. he accepts your shaky hands greedily, pressing them on his chest. you can feel his heartbeat. you can feel his breathing. you can still feel.

james has never been the one to complain about the kisses you want from him. his lips are stuck on your skin, sometimes curled into a smile. today it's most like a little frown, his slightly pouting lips stay on your head. he breathes in the scent of your conditioner. his one hand stays on his chest to keep your fingers steady as his other hand goes to your waist.

"feel any better, lovely girl?" he murmurs. you nod against his body, rubbing your nose to his neck. "good."

you move a little bit, almost shy to ask but james would never ever say no to you. he recognizes the shift in your emotions, carefully touches your face to see your eyes.

"can i do anything else?" he whispers. he already helped you shower and washed your hair. he applied your favorite cream on your face with your eyes closed. for a big man, he's incredibly gentle. he was sure you weren't hungry when he made you wear something soft to bed. he did all of these just to help you see that you are not alone. you don't have to do everything by yourself. james will happily carry these weights with you.

"i just want to stay here, jamie." you mumble. he kisses your hairline as a response.

"let me hold you," he starts, he sits and leans against the headboard as he pulls you to his lap. his one hand stays on your back as the other holds your legs. "better?"

you nod. he pulls your head to his neck with gentle fingers. "it's gonna be okay, sweetheart." he says quietly.

"but you don't even know what's wrong." you reply.

james lets you play with his fingers. "i know i'm gonna be here with you when you feel good enough to make them okay."

a slow teardrop falls on your cheek and then james feels it on his neck. you take a breath to stop crying, doesn't work though.

"baby." james whispers. "if you need to cry, you cry. it's okay, you don't have to hold back if crying will make you feel better."

"i just-" you start. "i don't want to feel like this. i feel so weak and so unlike myself. i can't do anything, i can't catch up. i let myself down."

you cry harder on james's chest. he rubs your back to help you let it all out. the poisoning thoughts in your mind, the disappointment you feel towards the world and yourself. he's not gonna let you think that you're not doing good enough. you've been strong for so long, maybe it was inevitable for you to doubt yourself when you feel the failure for the first time.

james holds you for minutes, until you finally calm down. you look so tired, it breaks his heart. your eyes are closed, your skin runs hot with the amount of stress you let out. crying is good until you face with the reality again, you are stuck in your mind.

"let's take this off." james says, holding the edge of your shirt and pull it from your head to give you some cool air. "there you go." he kisses your shoulders and your collarbone. his thumbs rub your cheeks dry and you lean into the touch. you seek his lips desperately, meeting with his mouth halfway and taking a kiss from him. he gives you another kiss when you pull back, his huge hand covering your jawline to take control. you want to kiss him until you go breathless, until your head is dizzy, until you only think about him and nothing else. it's a poor coping mechanism but james knows you, he gives you anything you need just to put your mind on ease.

"we'll fix it, do you hear me?" he says, firmly. "anything that bothers you, anything that feels wrong. we'll fix it together."

you nod because he sounds so sure of himself. "you can cry as much as you want, you have nothing to be ashamed of."

you lift your head to see him better. a single drop of hope makes its way to your head, you are not alone in this. james kisses your neck to tilt your head back, you breath easier. he covers your neck with his kisses, his hands are strong like he can make every wrong thing right.

"i'm just gonna sit here, hold you in my arms like my baby." he says. "because that's what you are. you are my girl, do you think i'd let you carry everything by yourself?"

you kiss him so hard, he can't breathe. such a good way to go, with you in his lap only wearing a small tank top and your panties. he lets you bury your head to his neck again, he kisses the soft skin right below your ear. you are vulnerable in a way but never with him. even in your poorest state he makes you feel strong. you can still come back.

[shadamyheadcanons]

Who would be the first to confess? Or the first to realize their feelings?

I’m of two minds on this. In my experience, the more common concept is “Shadow falls first, Amy falls harder.” This Twitter thread sums up the trope very well:

[Image ID: a screenshot of a tweet by user absolutesilly on April 17th, 2023 that reads, “it’s important to me that the “A fell first, B fell harder” trope ISN’T about B loving A more. it’s about A spending a long time just getting used to having this (seemingly) hopeless pining going on in the background 24/7, while B is just. hit by a truck with it all of a sudden.

fell first: been suppressing their emotions for so long that it’s like white noise to them. always there but mostly manageable. a bruise that only hurts when you press on it

fell harder: if We Don’t Get Married Tomorrow I’m Gonna Start Biting People” /.End ID]

And I don’t think I even have to clarify which one’s which. Shadow’s love is quiet and intense. He’s loyal and devoted. His affection is usually of the slow-burn variety. He hasn’t had any canonical crushes so far, but you can see it in his familial/platonic love for those he cares about. It’s natural to assume romance would be the same way.

And falling hard and fast is what Amy does. Need I mention Sonic? And her desire for marriage?

“Shadow has a crush on Amy for months/years until he suddenly sweeps her off her feet” is common for a reason. I’ve written plenty of it myself, including multiple WIPs. It was how I saw these two for a very long time, and there’s no denying that it’s compelling and in-character. If I were writing a shadamy-esque relationship in a movie, I’d write them that way.

HOWEVER...

I don’t think game canon is following that trajectory.

Under the cut: lots of ranting and images/hints, both old and new. You’ll recognize a lot of this if you’ve read my meta analysis posts, particularly why I ship them, how they’d resolve their arguments, and my feelings on TMOSTH. There’s a tl;dr and relevant headcanon at the end.

In my opinion, “Amy falls for Shadow later” doesn’t quite jive with canon because I think there’s ample evidence to suggest she already has a crush on him. It’s not as strong or obvious as the one she has on Sonic yet, but it’s there, just a little. To make a long story short:

She doesn’t look at someone like this...

[Shadow the Hedgehog 2005]

unless she has a crush on them:

[Sonic CD]

She doesn’t go out of her way to seek someone out this fervently...

[Sonic Battle]

...unless she has a crush on them:

[Sonic X]

She doesn’t insist on bringing someone along like this...

[The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog]

unless she has a crush on them:

Wallpaper posted on Sonic Channel 2/22/21. Art by Yuji Uekawa

One fun aspect of all of this is that the social media team seems to agree with me and keeps noticeably leaning into it. The Twitter Takeovers obviously aren’t canon and I’m not putting those in the “evidence” pile, but it’s cute how they keep having Amy act flustered about her feelings regarding him, and it’s definitely not something I’m imagining this time. It’s most obvious at 18:14 here:

The gushing, the stuttering...it’s obvious what they’re implying. Cindy Robinson’s very convincing at sounding smitten with him, which isn’t surprising considering her feelings on shadamy:

The question before that one in the Takeover arguably counts, too, and the social media team was primarily in charge of The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog, after all. This is consistent for them. There are plenty of other bits and pieces from them and the not-so-subtle marketing team these days, but I’d be ranting like a conspiracist and hunting down links all day if I got started on those.

^ Me at 2am.

I bring this up not just because it’s fun, but also to prove I’m not the only one who sees it. It’s definitely there, and it always makes me wonder what would’ve happened if she’d met Shadow first instead of Sonic. Would her little crush on Shadow have become the primary one if he’d entered her life first? Would we see this kind of thing all the time if Shadow were the protagonist?

[IDW issue 59]

Yes

We’ll never know, I guess! 🙃

Regardless, she met Sonic first, so her attention is...divided. She’s usually in-tune with her emotions, so even though her outlook on love is tinted somewhat by hero worship, I do think she’d figure out she had feelings for Shadow if her crush on Sonic were sidelined. As she got to know him better, she’d find even more things to love about him, and before long, she’d be hooked.

For Shadow’s part, it’s pretty clear to anyone who’s paying attention that he has a soft spot for her of some kind. In my experience, even non-shadamy fans will usually agree with this if asked. And why wouldn’t they?

1. He let her hug him and see him cry in SA2, then saved the world because she asked him to. There’s a reason fans hate it whenever Amy’s elevator speech at the end of SA2 is put in someone else’s mouth. It’s just not believable that he’d save the world for anyone else--not Sonic, not Chris Thorndyke--because the gentleness isn’t there for anyone but her. That had to be built and proven.

2. She inspired yet another heel-turn of his in the conspicuously-named “Miracle of Love” route in ShTH where “bad boy” Shadow ditches Black Doom to help her, resulting in a hero classification.

I think we undersell how big of a deal this is. For those who aren’t too familiar with Shadow the Hedgehog (2005), that story route starts out with Shadow ignoring Sonic and...*checks notes*...defeating fifty G.U.N. soldiers? The mission says “defeat,” not “kill.” But Black Doom says “finish off those soldiers,” “destroy them all,” “exterminate,” and “annihilate.” In a game where you’re explicitly encouraged to use firearms. On human soldiers. So this Shadow quite possibly has a significant body count by the end of the level, and then he immediately snubs Rouge to destroy Earth’s digital highway system. There’s a reason he can’t get a hero ending past that point if he doesn’t help Amy. Just like in SA2, she’s the only one left who can turn him into a hero. She speedruns his redemption with one jaunt through a haunted castle. This is the sequence:

[Source]

The way he trails off at, “I didn’t have any reason to help her, but since I was looking for the doctor anyway, I figured...” stands out, like he’d forgotten how good of a person he can be.

This brief Twitter thread summarizes the events in a much funnier way than I can:

3. The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog is the most recent and blatant example. Goes to a party. Dresses up in a silly outfit. Embarrasses himself to get her a thoughtful gift. Agrees to go to a concert for a band he can’t stand just to make her happy. I don’t think I even need to explain this one, but if you want to see me do so anyway, here’s that link again.

4. In Team Sonic Racing, he’s sweet to her when they’re on the same team...

...and he’s borderline flirtatious when they’re on opposing teams. ;)

His lines are delivered in a snarky, teasing way, especially when he calls her cute, and she’s matching that competitive banter.

[Source: this Twitter thread by MeliCross22:

Absolutely worth a read, and it includes links to the lines so you can actually hear them.]

The question is whether his soft spot is romantic in nature, and as biased as I am...I don’t buy it. In the first two, she’s just reminding him of who he is by calling to mind his memories of Maria, and “Miracle of Love” isn’t meant in a romantic way. Likewise, in TMOSTH, it’s extremely sweet of him and he wouldn’t do that for anyone else, but it’s still not inherently romantic. TSR is less cut-and-dried. It could be flirtation, but it could also just be the race stoking their competitive spirits. It’s also just a side game, and while it’s still canon, I don’t know if Sega would put that kind of dynamic between them in the main series. It could be a case of the TSR writers being secret shadamy fans who are tossing us crumbs, but it could also just be them mixing it up so there isn’t yet another instance of Amy saying variations of “Sorry, but I’m in it to win it!” every time she hits someone with an item. Trust me, it gets old.

Canonically, I don’t see Shadow as being romantically interested in anyone to a significant extent at the moment, Amy included. He’s been too focused on his past, his identity crisis, the alien invasion, etc. I don’t think there’ll really be room for romance in his life until he fully makes peace with his trauma. This moment at the end of his game...

...just doesn’t do that. Shadow Dark Beginnings has made it abundantly clear that he hasn’t moved on.

And this is where Amy comes in, because I think she’s the ideal person for the job.

Sega seems to pivot back and forth between “Shadow has no friends” and “Shadow has two friends, but he even keeps them at a distance sometimes.” Without people in his life who are willing to reach out, he withdraws, and it’s really not good for him. A lot of fans feel he’s hesitant to bond with others because no one else is immortal and he knows how painful loss is. It’s not explicitly stated, but it’s consistent with his behavior. Isolating himself is easy. It’s safe. It’s something he can control.

But it’s not sustainable.

He needs love. He needs it so much. It’s his very purpose, in the most literal sense. Maria said it best in episode 2 of Dark Beginnings:

“You have a big heart! It may be difficult for you to express it, but I know that deep down you really do care. About me. About everyone! What you do is what defines you. I know you’re having a hard time finding answers, but I’m certain you will one day. Then, you’ll find even more people you can trust.”

^ This is what I mean when I say Maria would love Amy. Amy’s the only other character who feels love as deeply as Shadow does, the only one who could fully understand, and she just so happens to be a clingy girl who’ll reach out to anyone, even people who think they want to be left alone. It’s baffling that Sega basically hasn’t let them interact for two decades because she absolutely would insist on befriending him.

Shadow hides, but Amy chases. She loves a challenge and doesn’t shy away if she feels she belongs with someone, even if that person runs. If she decided Sonic wasn’t right for her, I think it’s only natural that she’d pursue Shadow given her obvious fondness for him. The only difference is that when someone chases Shadow, he doesn’t run. He clings. He clung to Maria, he clung to Team Dark, and he’d cling to her, too, and I don’t think he’d stand a chance against her charm from there. He’s a romantic in his own way, and that soft spot of his would turn rose-tinted in a heartbeat. If there’s anyone who could convince him that love is worth it, it’d be her; I highly doubt she’d regret her past love of Sonic, and if he thought about it, I don’t think he’d regret his attachment to Maria, either. Amy told him the people of Earth deserved a chance to be happy. Now he lives on Earth with her. Couldn’t she convince him that he deserves that chance, too?

And if he hesitated and tried to ignore his feelings for Amy, I could see Rouge stepping in to kick him in the right direction. It wouldn’t be the first time she talked some sense into him for the sake of his own happiness:

[IDW issue 36]

tl;dr: Amy already likes Shadow. If she spent more time with him, those feelings would grow, and it wouldn’t be long before she’d be pursuing him in earnest. With her talent for breaking down barriers and his existing soft spot for her, it wouldn’t be a very long chase.

This headcanon is the one that I think portrays it best. I don’t think I’ll ever fully stop writing Shadow Falls First, Amy Falls Harder because it’s so damn compelling, but I love this interpretation, too, and it lines up too well with canon to ignore.

[urhoneycombwitch]

foreword: just a lil roommate!eddie x reader blurb loosely based on this anon. lead up to phone sex, +18 mdni as always

wc: 600

___

The plastic of your landline phone has warmed to the temperature of your cheek, and your limbs feel heavy under the weight of your quilt. On the other end of the line, Eddie sighs in similar repose, six states away.

“Gareth still snores, for the record. Not even the van’s engine can drown him out.” He’s lamenting over missing you as a roommate, telling you all the worst parts of sharing small vehicle spaces and shitty motel rooms with a bunch of boys.

Corroded Coffin still has four more stops on their tour, and Eddie’s finding the traveling life of an independent artist nigh unbearable.

You hum, mock sympathetic. “Poor you. Would hate to be drowning in a pool of groupies and drinking myself blind every night.”

“Shut up,” Eddie laughs, goodnaturedly. There’s a rustling on the other end, as if he’s lying down to get more comfortable. “You know you’re my only groupie. And besides, the boys went out in their cups tonight, not me. I’m by my lonesome in the room right now.”

You can picture him clearly in your mind’s eye, stretched face-up on the mattress, band tee riding up to reveal the dark happy trail you’ve caught glimpses of before. Saliva pools in your mouth; you have to swallow before responding. “Wow. Refused a wild night on the town just to call me?”

“Sweetheart, don’t act like you don’t know you’re my favorite person to spend time with.”

The sincerity in his voice makes you squirm. Feeling suddenly too hot and restless underneath the covers, you shove them down past your hips for some air flow. “I’m flattered. Bet you say that to all the fans, just to get in their pants.”

“Nah. Just you. And besides, it’s working, isn’t it?” Eddie’s voice gets gravelly. There’s the distinct sound of jeans getting unzipped, then faded rustling. A sharp, quick inhale, then- “What are you wearing?”

A laugh bubbles out of you, humorous even while you scold, “Perv.” Your fingers toy with the lace band of your underwear, giving it a snap you hope is audible. “You really need sex that bad, you’re calling it in?”

“S’different with you.”

Eddie’s fucking up the routine. It’s supposed to go like this, when he’s gone- he waits a few days to call, then when he does, you both keep up the pretense of regularity with the usual bickering. And then it devolves into phone sex.

He’s not supposed to bring up how much he misses you, and he’s certainly not supposed to say, out loud, that you’re different than the rest.

Your fingers are frozen on the soft plane of your stomach, heart thumping wildly in your throat.

Eddie must realize his mistake, the ice where he’s skated out past undefined boundaries spiderwebbing cracks. He retracts, lies flat again, a smooth recovery in the form of an appeasing sigh before saying, “Sorry. Just miss you. Gonna tell me what you’re wearing or am I gonna have to use my imagination?”

“God forbid.” Relief floods your system, fingers gliding easily underneath the line of your panties with the safety of familiarity. “You’ve probably got me in fishnets and heels. Hate to burst your skeevy bubble, but I haven’t done laundry in a week. I’m in an old t-shirt and plain Jane undies.”

Eddie makes a soft, seeking noise that makes the heartbeat between your legs pulse. “For the record, I was imagining you naked, but this works, too.”

“Y’gonna come back soon and do my laundry?” It’s getting harder to speak, breathy little whines intermixed, pad of your finger collecting the arousal seeping from your core to drag it upwards. “Always do it better’n me.”

“Oh, yeah.” In answer to your own noises, there’s the wet sound of Eddie’s fist around his cock, moving in steady rhythm. “Next week and I’m yours, babe. I’ll use the good stuff. Fabric softener. You name it-”

“Fuck.” It’s searingly domestic dirty talk. You’ll be coming undone in minutes and he goddamn knows it. Your finger swirls, breath catching again, and Eddie coos encouragement down the line.

“That’s right, sweetheart. You’re all I wanna hear.”

[natsunenuko]

TW // mental issues, mental absue, harassment, surgery/blood

I'm sorry this one is so long, but please carry on reading. It's a chance for me to not only speak about the situation but let out some steam too. It is unfortunate this announcement comes at the same time the flood occurs on the south of my home country (Poland) and I'm in the endangered zone, luckily so far safe, as I feel my head can't handle more stress.

It's been so long since I've been this personal online. I realized how I didn't feel the urge to vent for 3-4 years by now which is a sign of improving mental health. But my healing is still a process, and I'm afraid it's too hard to carry this rock alone at this point. I fought my thoughts if I should do this and I think just as deeply as I write right now. Yet, I know it's better late than never and I thank deeply my friends for helping me out recently as well as in the past in my lowest. I wholeheartedly owe my life to you.

I couldn't ask for better friends. As years verified, even long lasting relationships might be nothing but a mask and I had to learn the hard way. I ended a friendship of 13 years at the time over a misunderstanding. Other person I put my trust on was nothing but a groomer with morally corrupted sexual tendencies who would take advange of a group of minors while being the only adult among them, yet acting like a person much younger than all of them and pressuring all their mental issues on children instead of seeking help. The latter, I might speak of more in detail when I'm ready.

Long time ago I tried calling out for help but back then, the intrusive thoughts won; "Others have it worse, just work harder.", "No one will give you anything for free, no one will care.", "What people will think of you?". and I would only speak about these things in a closed circle of my friends.

I tried my best in silence by not giving up on my creative passion, working restlessly for years, improving. Hoping I could reach the point I can sustain myself purely on what I make.

But the problem is not being self-sufficient. And it's not about my art...

All of my life it has been me, my momma and my granny. The other two important figures weren't there for us, by choice. (which is hard to say if losing someone you loved is worse than not being cared for in the first place) My rather young self at the time didn't put much thought about it as I didn't understand it but something always felt wrong; my only issues at the time was being "that weird, quiet kid with little to no friends". But despite the hardships, my momma has always been my hero, working without a time for a break or rest so we could live happily, to afford something special from time to time.

However in 2014 my momma has been hospitalised and almost lost her life to wrongly treated ovarian cyst (cyst rapture), with enough blood loss to require emergency surgery...

From that point on things went downhill and the result of that we feel to this very day. To stay afloat we fell into a severe dept. (We didn't have any savings, could only rely on borrowing money or loans) And since I was a child as all of this happened, I've only learned about it all throughfully as I entered adulthood, so I wouldn't need to worry about anything and "just be a kid". Which I really understand, but it doesn't make it easier to handle.

And by now, for several years I keep on trying to earn money, so I could free my momma from this chain and let her live, not survive. I always wanted to get through this quietly, because I never, ever wanted to burden anyone with my home problems. But it grew to a point I might need to grab anything to climb towards the light

The goal is $10 000... which is scarily large number.

I list all the options but Kofi is preferred to keep track of the funds!

My commissions are HERE! (the sheet will receive a slight update in upcoming days) My Kofi is HERE! (Level 4 Tea is free headshot drawing every month!) HERE's other services I do (adopts, brushes, etc) I plan to do paid requests for my friday streams on occasion! Anything else I come up with I hope to include in here! Every person who donates will be part of "Thank you" list where I hope to shoutout everybody, cause every penny matters. I want this situation to end...

[myslutwritings]

Hi! :D Can I request headcanons on the upper moon demons (1,2,3+ Muzan) reactions to finding out their fem s/o is suffering from depression? (Especially after she’s tried to hide it from them and everyone else, not once admitting to having it - frankly because she feels as if they wouldn’t care or take her seriously anyway (due to past experiences with her own family and friends), until she couldn’t keep up the facade of acting cheerful, laid back and positive all the time, it being obvious that there is something quite not right with her, even if she denies it, trying to downplay the situation, knowing full well herself that it’s getting bad).

(Aaaaaaa, I love ur headcanons 😭💓 I’m sorry if this topic is not something you’d be comfortable with writing for, it’s just something I’ve been experiencing myself lately for the past couple of months, it’s getting harder each day, kinda have been feeling empty, exhausted and genuinely depressed lately, no one that I know cares or takes me seriously, nor tries to help me overcome these emotions :), I appreciate you reading my request anyway!<3 sorry for kinda pouring my heart out, ik it’s cringe and unnecessary, sorry).

No, no! it’s completely okay. I suffer from depression myself so i’m comfortable writing for topics like these! I honestly love writing angst/hurt/+comfort so ya!! Thank you for requesting, anon!! (Also i’m happy you like my headcanons! Tysm for your kind words. I do hope you feel better and i hope these hc’s can cheer you up!)

➤ Uppermoons with a Fem!S/O who suffers from Depression

➤ SFW headcanons

including: Muzan, Kokushibo, Douma and Akaza.

•

•

•

warnings: non-canon reactions, mentions of suicidal thoughts, angst, etc.

Muzan

Muzan isn’t an idiot.

He can sense from a mile away that something is in fact wrong.

I mean, you always seem off.

He just cannot tell WHAT exactly is wrong.

You’re a strange one after all. (Not in a bad way obviously)

Muzan has asked you a dozen times prior, seeking out answers, at least an explanation for your change in behavior and emotions.

He dislikes change.

But wanna know what he dislikes more? You being upset.

“My dear, could you please tell me what’s wrong?”

Of course he never gets anything out of you. You just cast him that alluring yet suspicious fake smile of yours and reassure him that you’re “okay” or “fine” or even “couldn’t be better”

Your response are so.. dishonest.

Honestly, Muzan not knowing what exactly is wrong with you drives him wild. He ALWAYS wants to know what’s wrong, what you’re feeling, how you’re feeling, etc.

And whenever he isn’t aware of what exactly your feeling or is catching on to the suspicions that your lying it does in fact anger him.

Not only does it anger him but it upsets him incredibly. Like, do you not trust him? Are you scared of him because he’s the demon king? If you were secretly terrified of his existence he wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest. That’s how truly humans are after all.

But for you this isn’t the case. You aren’t even scared of him. Just scared of your own thoughts and feelings.

A part of you wishes you could open up but the other part of you is like: eh, fuck it.

Who could blame you for not wanting to open up to the demon king himself though?

You may be his girlfriend, but still, like he would actually bring himself to care.

You see how vicious he is towards other humans. So why would he even bother with your silly yet powerful emotions?

You desired to open up yourself but however that never came so Muzan had no choice but to force it out of you one day.

Toxic, sure. But you were driving him nuts!

Like he snapped when he came home one night to find you rotting in your own filth, an empty stomach, disheveled hair, god, have you been sleeping all day?

He will ask you ONCE again if you wanted to talk.

To which you respond with a sorrowful “no”

Then you for real have the gull to make up excuses saying you’ve fallen ill.

Yeah, right.

That is Muzan’s breaking point.

It startles you when he snaps at you and actually gets mad.

This is his way of caring everybody. 💀

Whenever you’re depressed the feeling of getting yelled at by someone you love can hurt you or make you feel numb on the inside, you know?

I’m this case, it all just caves in and you sorta have an emotional break down in front of him.

Muzan is at a loss for words as you spill out your deepest and darkest feelings.

At least you’re finally opening up.

But damn, bro is shocked. Please give him a minute to adjust to all this.

At first he doesn’t know how to respond, instead, he will respond physically and just let you cry in his embrace as you vent to him and babble “i’m sorry” literally over 1000 times.

Muzan knew humans had depression, he reads a lot and is well aware of what it is. He’s just distraught this his own partner felt this way for so long.

By the way, did i mention he’s going to kill anyone who’s ever wronged you?

But worry not! He is going to be there for you every step of the way even with his low tolerance:)

Kokushibo

In the beginning, Kokushibo has absolutely no clue what’s going on inside your head.

I mean, if you say you’re fine then you’re fine right?

That’s all until your seemingly bad mood increases more and more everyday.

Yeah, that’s when his suspicions SKYROCKET.

Kokushibo has asked you before but gave up on it after many failed attempts.

He still has his mild concerns though so instead he observes you from afar.

He can tell something if off but assumes that just because you’re a human.

Honestly, he had some suspicions here and there that you may or may not be dealing with severe depression.

Guess what? Those thoughts he had were correct.

You immediately assume he doesn’t care and won’t care due to his demonic nature and his expressionless behavior.

Kokushibo began to catch on more and more when you started to refuse to eat dinner, you just refused to get up from bed and even take care of yourself.

FINALLY drops that stoic personality.

Caretaker Kokushibo to the rescue. Is immediately scooping you up, siting you at the table and convincing you to eat.

If you don’t eat he’ll just spoon feed you.

That night he took care of you.

That’s when he found out of your depressed state. No confession needed.

The two of you aren’t the greatest match because of your lacked communication.

No, you two aren’t toxic. Fights don’t even exist between y’all.

You guys just can’t express feelings properly.

But Kokushibo is always waiting for you to further explain how you feel. He’s satisfied that he now is aware of what’s wrong with you but also deeply destroyed on the inside.

You don’t deserve these harsh feelings. Why must the world be so cruel?

From that day onwards, Koku keeps a close eye on you and takes care of you more often.

Sometimes even ditches missions for you.

Yeah, he gets chastised by Muzan for it but he doesn’t care.

As long as you’re safe then he feels content.

By the way he’s killing off ANYONE who made you feel this way.

Douma

very, VERY dense.

Like does not notice anything.

He just presumed that’s how you are.

Now, Douma does feel emotions around you. You’re the only thing that has ever brought him joy.

You make that cold heart of his beat.

He’s very clingy around you, like, SUPER.

Wants to be around you all the time.

Which is why it’s a shocker that he didn’t notice immediately your drastic change in behavior.

Douma only really took notice when you began to distance yourself from everyone.

Even him.

Now he couldn’t care less if you ran away from everyone else but him? Yeah, there is something wrong.

So, he simply asks you if you’re okay.

In which you lie and say you’re doing just fine.

Oh, you are? Okay!!

Is immensely confused when you continue to distance yourself though.

Haha, humans are so silly.

Douma becomes really confused but brushes it off.

It’s all surprising that he can come off so dense when it comes to this. I mean, you’re a demon? come on mannn…

Yeah, he does feel emotions around you but doesn’t fully understand them, you know?

I swear, Douma can be naive around you sometimes despite being the sadistic and masochistic demon he is.

It takes him a long ass time to realize how much you’ve been suffering.

Please do not get angry with him though. Remember that he is new to all this!

So the first emotion he feels once he finds out about your depression is EXTREME guilt.

REAL GUILT.

Flabbergasted by how fucking long it took him to find out the truth.

*Mentally facepalms himself*

His petty little followers don’t count. The man may have spend his last few hundred years listening to peoples woes and worries but his emotional responses towards their feelings were never even genuine.

To be brutally honest, Douma is hopeless.

Yeah, he wants to help you, he really does.

Just has no idea how to:(

However, if you show him how to then he will catch on fairly quickly and become the master when it comes to taking care of you and helping you cope with your depression.

Similar to Kokushibo, Cue caretaker Douma to the rescue‼️‼️

He doesn’t mind taking care of you. Honestly he absolutely adores it.

You’ve always been there for him, you taught him how to feel again. He’s so grateful that he’s finally helping you after all this time.

Lends you extra cuddles and kisses but if you’re the type to want your space when you’re depressed he’ll try his hardest to understand and be there for you emotionally instead! He just wants to be over you all the time and make sure you’re doing well, ya know?

Okay, he may lose his touching privileges but don’t think he isn’t gonna let his guard down!

From there on out, He keeps an eye on you at all times. He needs to make sure your taking care of yourself!

Douma also developed the tendency to whisper sweet nothings into your ear, his advice is surprisingly effective by the way. I mean, his advice towards you is actually genuine so that must be why.

“Oh, Y/N, my lovely lotus, i despise how you carry such a heavy burden. I wish i could take all these negative feelings away from you!”

Akaza

Like Muzan, he isn’t easy to take for a fool.

Notices the very second your behavior changes.

Akaza, being the most amazing boyfriend he is will obviously attempt to strike up a conversation, desperately wanting you to open up and communicate with him properly.

Becomes disappointed when you just brush it off as “not important”

Like what? It IS important!

YOU are MORE than important to him.

Akaza is not blind, he won’t submit nor play dumb towards your responses

Absolutely hates making you uncomfortable and would hate to force you to tell him how you’re feeling but desperate times call for desperate measures.

This is just his way for caring about you.

At first, he will try each and every day to be there for you and try and talk with you.

Sits on the side of your bed as your laying down, curled up, unmoving and will just kiss your forehead and give you time to open up.

Akaza will bug you consistently, fishing a response from you, anything, just anything!!

“Sweetheart, could you tell me what’s going on with you?”

Nothing. Just that same old response he hears every damn time.

“I’m fine”, “Nothing is wrong!”, “It’s okay, i’m doing well, just tired.”

Hatessssss when you lie to him:(

Akaza feels beyond powerless.

Your feelings are very important to him!

Sure, he hates weak people, hates any other human being he encounters but you’re different!

Akaza knows deep down you’re suffering from depression but desires for you to confess it yourself in your own time.

But at the end of the day he had to force it out of you.

Felt insanely guilt but what else could he have done?

Everything else he’s ever done for you got him nowhere due to your own stubborn dds

Akaza is not mad though.

He could never be angry with you for having depression i mean, you can’t help it.

We all know how overwhelmingly overprotective he is so the very moment he finds out a friend of family member caused you to feel this way and shut the world out he is going to throw hands.

Like, how dare they?!

Akaza is another caretaker! Skips important missions for your sake despite him knowing the punishments that come along with it.

Akaza won’t mind taking care of you but he also needs you to learn how to take care of yourself if you want to truly heal so he’ll be there for you every single step of the way in order for you to accomplish that!

Another thing that’ll happen is that Akaza will become more needy and clingy than usual. He must protest his precious girlfriend at all costs.

Kisses you and reminds you how much he loves you.

Fucking HATES it when he’s forced to leave you (when he’s summoned to the infinity castle)

But the very second he’s home he’s relieved.

On those days you’re feeling super depressed to the point where you can’t get up Akaza will cool you breakfast and serve it to you in bed. Will even feed you if he has to then eventually he’ll help you get up and offer you all the motivation and energy you need to make it throughout the day.

Bro is a gentleman.

Literally is always going to be there for you, love you unconditionally.

And most importantly…

Beat the living HELL out of whoever worsened your depression‼️‼️

I hope you enjoyed these headcanons! To all those out there suffering currently i can promise you that it’s going to be okay. You got this! <3

[iouinotes]

Heroic Betrayal | Luke Castellan (part 1)

SPOILER FOR THE PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS SERIES AND THE BOOKS

pairing: Luke Castellan x female!reader

show: Percy Jackson and the Olympians

warnings: dark!character, betrayal, implied sexual content, heavy angst, kidnapping

word count: 5,8k

summary: When Luke switches to the dark side, he tries everything possible to win you for him.

a/n: so as the show comes to an end (dont cry dont cry dont cry), I thought I would finally post this :)))

read part 2 here

"I'll find you!" his voice echoes through the forest, my laughter much louder than I intend to. But that´s just how it always goes. It's our own little tradition.

Every year when the camp starts again and we meet after the holidays passed, we play hide and seek in the dangerous forest of the half-blood camp. The creatures usually don't come across our path, in recent years it has rarely happened, that we actually had to defend ourselves against them.

Once it was an angry dryad, who threw branches at me (she had a crush on Luke and wanted revenge, but since I could understand her feelings and felt sad for her, we sorted it out).

Another time we were spotted by some camp members, who made fun of us, but Luke must have said something to them later, because we haven't been bothered by these troublemakers since.

It is always the same pattern, but each time there is still something special about it. We have grown, became more mature (I think), and have more and more experience about the struggles in life.

So being able to just let go for a few moments and being completely alone with him is probably the best thing to keep myself sane (even if he drives me a little bit crazy with the love I hold for him).

But a lot has changed recently.

It all started when rumors spread, that Zeus' lightning bolt had been stolen by Poseidon's son. And then the most supportive, bravest, sassy kid in the world showed up here. Percy Jackson. Ever since I met him, even though it's not his fault, there's been war going on. The gods are angry, the monster attacks became worse and again, rumors about the oldest, most powerful titan Kronos reached the camp.

It scared and frightened many people, including me. That's why we've been training harder and stay awake, even when the stars are shining, so that we can prepare for any catastrophe. To be able to fight.

My mother is the goddess Demeter, my father a simple man. I adore them both, even though my mother isn't one of my closest contacts. But I never really held that against her, because at least she decided to acknowledge me as her daughter. After all, it's a privilege that not everyone gets. My siblings and friends at camp are important to me, but the world is changing and so is everything around it.

The only stability I have left is my boyfriend Luke.

If I had to rely on one person in the whole world (and by that I also mean the underworld), it would be him.

He's been my best friend since I arrived at this camp. We've been together through ups and downs, I know every side of him and he knows everything about me too. Many of the people here are like blank pages to me, but not him. He is like my favorite book, that lays open to me and allows me to read each letter individually. Just as I know every of his dreams, every secret, every truth and every lie. He is my protector, my hero in every dark night and every bright day. Without him, I don't even know who I am. He is a part of me and my heart wouldn't be whole without him.

I watched him grow up. From the small, thin boy whose eyes hid so much pain and sadness to the strong, soulful leader he is today.

His beauty cannot be influenced by anything, he is like my very own sun, without him I could not survive.

I wouldn't want it any other way though.

Now, I'm hiding behind a tree with my back pressed against the bark and I am able to hear the cracking and swinging of the branches.

I smile so wide, that my cheeks start to hurt, when I hear his voice calling. My heart is beating in my throat, but it's not just the adrenaline of not getting caught. It's because of my love for him, which is so strong that sometimes I'm afraid of it. But only in the moments when I realize that nothing, but him is my biggest flaw. I think I would do anything for him.

Then I concentrate again and listen to the sounds around me. But his voice has fallen silent and I don't hear his footsteps anymore.

My eyebrows furrow, confused I try to look around the tree and search for an orange t-shirt. Likely together with his slim body, biceps, beautiful face and wonderful personality.

But when I want to withdraw again, it's already too late. A branch breaks behind me and before I can move I'm pushed against the tree from behind.

I immediately feel his body against mine, hear the laughter in his voice and listen to his strained breathing. His hands wrap around my body and turn me towards him, so that we are now face to face.

He's taller than me and as I look up, I feel the familiar fluttering feeling in my chest. I am so in love with him.

He grins triumphantly at me and I lean against the tree, smiling kindly.

"Found you, princess." The light reflects in his brown eyes and some of his curls are laying wildly on his head. He looks like an angel.

"I made it easy for you." My voice teases him and when he leans in so close to me, that our lips almost touch, I forget how to think properly. A habit I can't change. He's just so captivating.

"Yeah? You think I wouldn't have found you otherwise? Funny. I remember that in the last few years, I always was the winner of our little game." His lips brush mine, I want nothing more than to kiss him. But he knows that, which is why he slowly pulls back, when I start to lean forward.

When I want to complain, he puts his hand around my waist and pulls me into his chest. My knees almost give out, I feel so intoxicated by his presence.

"I-I wanted you to find me." My voice whispers quietly.

His eyebrows rise in mock surprise.

"Then I guess, I can claim my prize without feeling bad." In the next second, his lips are on mine and I'm unable to do anything, other than kissing him back. I wrap my arms around his neck and enjoy the warmth that radiates from him. He sets my heart on fire.

While pushing me against the tree, I've completely forgotten about, he lets his hands wrap possessively around my waist. Digging his nails into my hips, to keep me grounded. Otherwise, I would probably get lost in those sensations.

Luke kisses in a way, like it's the last time he'll have the chance. (As if I would ever want to keep him from doing that).

He's passionate, my body feels like it's on fire and the heat inside me feels so good, that I want more. I can never get enough of him and he knows it. He grins against my lips, but he doesn't break the kiss. I think he secretely loves knowing how much he can mess with me, with just a few kisses.

My hands find his hair and pull him closer to me, our chests touch and his breathing mingles with mine.

It is wonderful and so precious, I would refuse any gift from the gods just to be close to him.

When he pulls away from me, our bodies are still close. My eyes open and look dreamily into his, our gazes reflect a familiarity and love that is like nothing I have ever experienced.

He smiles at me, pushes a stray strand of hair behind my ear and leans himself against me. His fingers stroke the exposed skin of my pulled-up shirt.

"I've missed you." If my heart hasn't melted before, it has now. I give him a kiss on the cheek and hug him, we stand in our embrace for a moment. Enjoying each other's closeness, the calm feeling until the next chaotic situation happens.

"Now we are together again. Only that matters." It's quiet around us and when I close my eyes for the second time, I hear his fast heartbeat. I have to supress a smile.

The wind is the only thing I hear until his voice breaks the silence.

"Something will happen soon. Something big." The peaceful atmosphere is threatened by his words and when I look at his face again, I see his worried eyes.

I sigh, but then nod to agree with him. "I thought about that too, it feels different. Like something is coming our way, that we can't control."

His fingers stroke my cheek and for a moment, his face holds an expression, that I can't understand. It resembles regret.

But before I can ask him about it, he smiles tenderly at me again.

"Nothing will separate us. The world is just a game. It's a matter of time and making the right moves." That is his motto. But I'm not always convinced of this. Even though I trust him to do the right thing.

"I'm just worried we'll get seperated, you know? Evil can be sneaky and traitors always exist. You never know who you can trust." Something I said must have really bothered him, because he looks like I just stabbed him.

This time I ask him about it.

"What's on your mind? You can tell me. Two people who worry about something are better, than one who is alone with it." I take his hand and stroke his skin, it feels cold even though we have summer.

"Nothing, just- I don't want to lose you. I couldn't be here without you. I need you. I mean...I-I love you. You know that I would do anything to keep us together, right?"

His words surprise me. I know he loves me. I can sense that, everyone probably does. But he has never worn his heart on his sleeve and the three magical words only come out of his mouth on special occasions. The fact that he's telling me now surprises me.

"Of course. I trust you. We will survive together, I know that. Are you worried because of the rumors about the Titan King?" This topic is always very critical and he usually doesn't like to talk about it, but this time I decide to address it directly.

"He will come. I just want you to be safe, when it happens." He sounds so confident it gives me goosebumps.

"Perhaps. His followers will definitely try. But love is stronger than anything else. Especially our love. We will get through it." He doesn't look convinced, so I turn his face towards mine and kiss him.

My voice sounds soft, when I speak again.

"Luke, I love you. I could never leave you. Not even the King of the Underworld will be able to keep us apart. I promised to be by your side in every moment of our lives. You are my soul and without it I am damned."

This seems to reassure him, but I feel like he's not telling me something of great importance. But I don't want to push him, I know he will tell me when the time comes.

He always does.

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

As the day comes to an end, I say goodnight to my siblings and report for my night watch duty. The situation has been a lot more worse the recent weeks. Kronos exists, my worst fear was confirmed. And he is building an army, that is so strong that it will be difficult to fight against it. But what I'm really worried about are the rumors about our people, who have also joined his cause.

Nobody knows who, the spies have been hiding ever since. I've never felt like I was paying more attention to my words than I am now. The only person I don't have to hold back to is Luke.

But even with him I notice the effects of the bad news. The circles under his eyes are darker than ever and his nerves are so frayed, that every little thing makes him want to explode. His temper is hanging by a thread, that is increasingly threatening to break. And I'm trying everything to prevent this.

No matter if I try it by making him laugh (which has become difficult), massaging his tense shoulders, trying to kiss him to the point of forgetfulness (usually it's the other way around) or when he takes out his frustration by burying himself deep inside me. With every thrust of his hips, I feel him relax, his hand so tight around my body as if I would run away, if he didn't hold me close enough.

He's changing and I'm trying my best to maintain his good sides. That he doesn't completely lose himself in his responsibilities and the pressure, that he has, because he is a member of the camp council.

Besides, I can't complain, when he fucks me until I can't breathe aynmore and I block out everything around me. When he comes, he whispers the sweetest things in my ear. Even if sometimes they sound so protective, that I could almost come from his voice alone.

When he whispers to me how good I am for him or how much he loves being able to have such a power over me like that - maybe it should scare me, but I trust him like no one else.

My mind concentrated his best for my shift, but when I finally go to bed after quiet some time, my eyes quickly close.

Looking back, I wish I had never let myself sleep that night.

Because, when I close my eyes I see waves. Hear the seagulls screaming in the sky, the fish swimming in the water and the distant cries of strangers.

It's all unusual and the bright light would blind me, if I didn't avert my gaze. And as soon as I do it, I see a ship. It's huge, rust shimmers in the sunrays, the anchor shows that it's been in the same place for a while now.

I feel something pulling me towards it, pushing and burning in my chest, leaving me with a tremor that I can feel, even in my deep sleep.

As I flit through the window like a ghost, I feel paralyzed. My blood freezes, I want to disappear immediately and in my mind I scream at myself to wake up.

But it's no use, whatever is here, someone decided that I have to see it. Only then, my wish will be fulfilled and I can wake up. So, I hide in a corner, there are scratched picture frames above me and broken glass is scattered on the floor. The monsters that loudly crush the glass ahead of me seem unstoppable.

I tremble as I look at at least seven dracaenae, several shaggy hellhounds and set my eyes on gigantes, that take up almost the entire room.

But that is nothing compared to the terror, that grips me when I see my classmates. My friends. People I trusted, who I fought alongside, for who I cared about. People I would have sacrificed myself for. They all betrayed me. And I feel close to tears. When I want to turn away, I hear a voice that almost brings me to my knees.

It's Luke.

My faithful and caring protector, my heroic love. Someone, to which I had dedicated everything. He was my life, with every single breath I took. The motivation behind my every action. The reason I wanted to survive in this cruel world. He was everything I had and everything I will ever have and in that moment it was abruptly taken from me.

I didn't have the strength to concentrate, it was as if every fiber of my body was on fire, triggered by the torment of my suffering heart. Seeing him like that, in black armor, Kronos' silver mark glittering around his neck, instead of his colorful necklace. A stoic, hostile expression on his face, his hands gripping his sword, it all hurt too much to watch.

And as I sank to the floor and covered my eyes with my hands, I was still forced to listen. I couldn't understand why he was saying such things.

"With every day he becomes stronger, with every participation in our army, we become stronger. Everything is planned, the camp is weak. Just like all of its residents. The surprise is on our side, because we will show no mercy. We will kill anyone, who does not confess to us. Do you hear me? No hostages will be taken. Only Hades population will be expanded."

The screams around me are so loud, so angry and horrific that I feel tears running down my cheeks.

I don't want to see any of that. The person infront of me is not my Luke.

A kind of fog creeps around me and I feel cold, it seems too late to forget it now. When I notice the golden coffin and Lukes hunched posture, the scar on the side of his face, I realize he is praying to him.

To the fall of Olympus. Kronos.

I want to cry, to scream, to be angry - but I just feel like every part of my heart is breaking and will never be whole again. Luke will never again be the one to heal it.

My consciousness leaves the ship until I finally wake up, but I can't move at first. I feel lost, my muscles are stiff and after a few seconds I notice that I'm shaking. But it's not because I'm cold, the summer air is wafting in the air.

Such dreams are rare, but are like the own scary predictions of the future.

And then it comes all back so me, the memories, that have just turned my whole life upside down. Traitor. The word appears in my mind, I feel like I almost can't breathe. And then there is a finger on my cheek, gently stroking the skin and my chest immediately becomes warm.

I know this gesture.

When I open my eyes, I see his loving eyes and the smile that covers his mouth makes my heart clench in sorrow.

It was just a nightmare. Luke would never betray me.

But the whispers in my head say otherwise.

As we continue to look at each other in silent, I notice his furrowed eyebrows.

"What's wrong, my love? Did you have a nightmare? You look scared. Don't be afraid, I'm here. I will always protect you." His voice is so calm, so usual loving and it makes the butterflies in my stomach fly around like crazy.

He is so beautiful.

As he briefly turns his head to tighten the blanket around me, I see his side profile and the scar. Reminders of my dream crash onto me like a lightning strike from Zeus himself.

I sat up abruptly. Luke is a servant of our enemy. How could I ignore that? I feel like I'm almost starting to hyperventilate. The thought, this nightmare, Luke's appearance, this evil feeling - it makes me sick. And I'm suddenly so afraid, more than I have ever been in my life. But I can't tell if it's the fact that I just found out he joined Cronos' army or that he broke my heart doing so.

I see him tense, my panic seems to be affecting him too.

My thoughts are so confusing, I don't know what to do, I have to tell someone. I have to-

His hands find their way to my cheeks, cupping them gently to direct his gaze towards himself. I would have preferred not to look at him, but I have no choice. His eyes search mine.

Then, as if the weight of Atlas punishment was put on his shoulders, he lowers them. His lips tremble slightly and his eyes look at me, as if I am the most valuable thing in the world and he is about to lose it.

"You know it." He doesn't have to say what he means by that. We both know.

I want to break away from him, but he won't let me. He's always been much stronger.

But everything still feels so different, light surrounds us and I can't really feel my body.

"Listen to me, please. I can explain it. Please-" The world goes silent, before he can finish his sentence.

It is too much.

I stifle a scream. I want to jump out of bed, but his hands hold me close. I only manage to fall to the ground, breathing heavily, but his arms are much stronger and I'm still weakened by my dream. He trys to hold me in a position, so that his back hugs me. His hands grab mine and one of them covers my mouth to silence me, when I want to scream for help.

With any other person, I would have known what to do. With anyone but him, I could have defended myself without any problems. But it wasn't just anyone and what he had done to me, the betrayal he had committed, was nothing I could handle.

I tried to wriggle out of his grip, to kick him, but the more I cried and the more hysterical I became, the easier it was for him to have control over me.

And for the first time, it scared me.

"Please calm down, I have to explain it to you- you have to know, that I never wanted to deceive you, please-" I notice how his voice is failing and he has to pull himself together, to not to lose his composure.

When I shake his hand away and want to yell again, he grabs my neck with such a warning force, that no sound escapes me.

I tremble in his hold. Tears stream down my cheeks and I literally feel my heart breaking.

Then he starts whispering in my ear and his grip feels like a tragic prison.

"Nobody can know. I never wanted you to find out. Not until I convinced you, that it is the right thing to join him. Because he will win, sweetheart. I want us to win by his side." His voice sounds so confident and at the same time, as if he was a completely different person.

Tears continue running down my face and he slightly let's go of me, so he can comfort me.

"If you would just listen to me, you will understand my actions. Please, just listen to me-" but the world blurs infront of my eyes and I am only able to whisper three words, before darkness surrounds me.

"You betrayed me."

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

When I wake up, my head hurts so much, that it takes me several minutes to open my eyes. When I finally do it, I almost have a heart attack.

I recognize the similarity of this room from my dream. When I stand up, I run to the round window and look out, being only able to see the blue sea. Feeling empty and alone.

When I want to step out the door, I expect it to be locked. But instead the handle turns and I step out of the room. I'm so surprised about that, that I'm acting without thinking twice.

As I walk around the next corner, the deck creaks and I see an ugly creature in front of me, that makes every instinct to escape kick in.

I run in the other direction, but every turn makes me more desperate and, without any consideration, I run into the hall, I was so afraid of.

It is filled with all kinds of ciders, and I also see the figures of my classmates, wounded and unhappy.

It's all so overwhelming, that I dont even see him standing on the podium, in the first place.

But as the monsters try to grab me, his voice echoes through the room with an affable authority.

"Nobody touches her. You hear me? Nobody. She is under my protection." I almost freeze into a stature, as he comes towards me and I have no way of avoiding him. No weapon is within my reach, his eyes notice my growing panic.

"Everyone leaves the room. Now." Nobody discusses it, even if some roll their eyes or quietly protest. His authority is unquestioned, it sends a cold shiver down my spine.

When the last doors slam shut, we stand a few meters opposite each other.

"The doors are guarded." It's the first thing he says.

When he tries to approach me, I lose my nerves and run to the corner with the broken glass, that I saw in my dream. I take them in my hands.

I see his eyes widen and he stops in his tracks.

"You- you want to fight me?" He actually sounds surprised and sad. Like I was the one who betrayed him and not the other way around.

"Don't come any closer. I may not have been able to do anything last time, but if you take one step closer then-" I don't know what to say. In no scenario did I ever think, I would have to threaten him.

But despite my warning, he comes towards me with his hands raised, the panic within me so palpable, that I can feel every muscle in my body.

I dodge, when he is only a few meters in front of me. Right into the next corner. As far away from him as possible.

"Princess, you can't keep me away forever. I've always loved that about you. You need me as much as you need to breathe."

It's supposed to sound sweet, but his words make me feel sick

"I'd rather suffocate." He didn't expect that. My words hit him so unexpectedly that he is almost speechless. Almost.

"I won't hurt you. You just have to let me get to you and I'll show you everything. You will understand, believe me." He really thinks, I'll just stay by his side and let him explain.

"Are you crazy? You're a traitor, Luke. You- you betrayed everyone. You betrayed me. How could you do this?" I suppress my tears, because that's exactly what he's waiting for. That my defense becomes weaker. I can't allow this.

"You dont understand. I always told you I would protect you. And I can only do that, if I'm on the winning side. And I am now. We are." His eyes flash with a craziness that makes me tremble. I don't recognize him.

"Why are you acting this way? You are doing the wrong thing - you give up everything. You're giving up on us." Tears leave my eyes and I see him take a few steps in my direction.

"I'm doing the right thing for us. You'll see. You just have to trust me, please. You know I always win. With the power he gives me, I will be invincible. You don't have to worry about one of us dying in this war anymore." I can't move, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have a way out now. He's too close.

"You are wrong. I would rather die in this war than join this monster and his deceitful army." The shards in my hand hurt, but I don't let them go. They're the only thing I can use to defend myself.

"You would leave me?" His eyes are staring into my soul.

"Would you fight me?" Every word is more intimidating.

"Would you stop loving me?" His words are like his own shards, leaving deep wounds in my heart.

He's standing right in front of me now, looking at me like I'm fragile.

Then he whispers "Would you kill me?"

In the next second, he suddenly has my hands in his, making me drop the glass. Be is only a few centimeters away from me now, his eyes are looking into my own.

"Would you, princess? Then show me." Suddenly he does something, I would have never expected. He takes out his sword and puts it in my hands.

His own hands go behind his back, his eyes tempting me. I feel all the blood in my body drain.

"Do it. I can't live in a world, where you don't love me anymore. In which you are no longer by my side. I am yours. That will never change, just like my love for you."

I can barely hold the sword, it's so wobbly in my hands. He stands in front of me and gives me every chance to defeat him. But I can't move.

It's quiet for a moment, then I see new hope in his eyes and when he speaks again, the tone of his voice melts my heart.

"What did you say a few months ago, you would always let me win? Let's win together this time. Please, just listen to me." His hand strokes my cheek. Wipes away the tears.

Then he drops his hand and grasps his sword, letting it fall to the ground.

He takes my hand instead.

"Follow me." He pulls me behind him, closer and closer to the golden coffin, it's like I'm in a trance, but when I finally feel the cold aura of something cruel, I'm able to think clearly again.

"No-" I don't want to be one step closer to this thing.

He turns around so quickly, that I can only slap his cheek, before he grabs me again.

"That was for kidnapping me. Let me go now!" I want to avoid his grasp. But again he does something I don't expect.

He holds me still, catches my gaze and then, kisses me so gently that the feeling alone makes me almost completely defenseless. His hands cup my cheeks, grip my hair, hold my body.

This is probably his worst trick. I've never been able to resist one of his kisses. And he knows that. He uses it against me.

Then he murmurs words against my lips, that barely reach my ears.

My heart is pounding in my throat.

"You feel this? We belong together. It is not written anywhere on which side we need to be. As long as we are together." His fingers stroke my lower lip, his figure towers over me and for a moment my surroundings fade. It's almost like always.

But he's not wearing his orange t-shirt, his expression isn't relaxed, and I don't hear any insults from the camp members in the distance.

"You're manipulating me." I am powerless against him. I thought we were on the same team, that no one had more power over the other one. But I was so wrong.

His eyebrows furrow again, and when his hands try to pull me against him, I hit his chest, without thinking, with the only piece of glass I hid in my pocket. But unlike I expected, nothing happens. The shard bounces off his skin and falls loudly to the ground. I can only stare at him in disbelief.

"How-" He just looks at me worried, no anger is visible in his eyes.

"You can't hurt me. I have the curse of Achilles upon me." I suddenly become aware of the effect the lake Styx in the underworld hast and I almost fall to the ground at the realization, my knees weaken.

"That was a test earlier. You wanted to see if I would kill you-" my voice fails.

He just looks at me sadly and smiles in regret. My heart becomes heavy.

"And I knew you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. You would never hurt someone you love. Not if you'd kill me in the process." What can I do? He knows me better than anyone, he can see right through my every thought.

"I can't do this, Luke. I-I can't be together with you, if you are like this." I'm serious, but he doesn't believe me.

"That's what you think, but it's a lie. The sooner you admit it to yourself, the more pain you avoid. Our souls are linked together, without me you are not able to live. I know, that you will continue to love me, no matter what I decide to do. That's how much you love me. You would rather die than not loving me."

I can't listen to him. I can't.

But his eyes are like all the promises in the world. He is my world. How could I ever forget that?

"Please come back with me, Luke. I-I won't tell anyone, but please. Let's go, let's forget everything, please-" I cant deal with this anymore. It's like he's draining all the energy out of me. More with every word, that leaves his lips.

"I can not do that. It will stay the way it is now. Don't fight against me, fight with me. You are so smart and loyal, you will be convinced. He will show you." His eyes now flash with something that frightens me. I see his hunger for power, something that has always been dormant within him.

"Luke, the only thing I ever really wanted was you. No power, no war, no prosperity. Only you. But I'm about to lose you. Don´t do this to me, I beg you." My hands find his face, stroke the skin and I look into his eyes. But they are no longer the same ones I fell in love with.

I never thought he would love having power more than he loves me. It breaks my heart.

"I have decided. Nothing will change about that. Not even your pleadings. I'm sorry." His eyes reflect my desperation.

"What's holding you back? All you need is me." He says it so confident, that I almost wonder, why I don´t agree with him.

But my conscience has always been my greatest strength.

"I won't betray them. I couldn't live with myself, if I did." He takes a step back.

"But you could live without me? You would rather be by Jackson's side than mine?" His words hurt me. But he speaks the truth.

"I love you Luke, more than I ever thought was possible. But just as you put power before me, I put loyalty first. And I'm not sorry about that."

Frustration finally seeps through his perfect facade. I wonder how long he's been playing with me. The thought of it makes everything inside me tighten.

"I am not letting you go. Our fate is set. You will recognize it too and when that happens, you will be on my side."

His conviction frightens me, but this time it doesn't freeze me into a statue. Now, I'm running away.

And luckely, he didn't expect that.

For a few minutes now I've noticed one of the windows, that doesn't look very stable. I just have to jump against it to open it.

"NO!" Luke's voice echoes across the room, loud and warning, but it doesn't stop me. Before he can catch up with me, I jump towards the window, my shoulder hurts, but I was right, it breaks.

But I didn't think about the height difference and I realize it might be too late to do something about it now.

As I try to hold on to the wall outside, two thoughts repeat in my mind.

Either I die or I'm trapped.

Then I hear Luke's voice. He sounds desperate and at the same time angry, like I have never heard him before.

The wall is slippery and it takes every bit of strength in me not to fall, I know it would be my death. I hold on to the broken wall.

"She is outside. Get her back, NOW!" My muscles hurt and I don't know what to do. Then I hear the loud beating of wings. Before I can see who it is, I hear Percy's quiet voice. I feel like crying.

"Drop down, I've got you." I have to trust him. So, I let myself fall without thinking.

Then I feel myself landing on something soft, I hold on to it and my knuckles turn white.

The screams and shouts of the monsters make me tremble, I just want to get out of here. Even if it means, that I perhaps will never see Luke again.

"Come on, now. They'll be here soon." As the wings of the Pegasus move towards the sky, towards freedom, I let the tears fall. The wind is beating around my ears and I can only see in the corner of my eyes that we are getting closer to the clouds.

"I'll find you!"

Luke's threatening voice is the last thing I remember as I close my eyes from the grief of leaving him.

[love-at-first-sight-23]

Heather Part 3 𓇢

<—Part 1 <—Part 2

A/N: Yes, I may have cried a little bit writing this… don’t know about you guys, of course…

Warnings: Angst, reader is *not doing well*, happy (ish) ending

Plot: Life had been full of misery and loneliness ever since your crush, JJ, fell for another girl. Will you ever recover, or is there any chance you can even love him again?

Loneliness is a word long that has been unbeknownst to you. It has gradually become more familiar with the folds of time. Now, it seems to be your only emotion. The breeze passes by your window, ruffling the tree branches. Passing you by, moving on from where you are tucked inside your bedroom.

Isn’t it strange? How everything always seems to pass you by? Leaving before knowing you’re there?

His face flashes though your mind. Warm-toned skin, eyes the color of the sea, and hair always a little out of place. His voice you can hear so clearly saying your name. Your immediate thought is to push it all away. You decided that so long ago. You cannot afford to have him infiltrating your thoughts at all hours of the day. Or ever. Still, the images stay.

A stab of anger pierces your chest. Why can you not get rid of him? JJ Maybank? He’s hurt you enough already. Don’t you love him, though? A small voice in the back of your head asks. Of course not, you shoot back. Shutting out that voice turns out to be harder than you thought.

You’ve been taking every opportunity to not leave your house. When you do see the Pogues, your interactions and shared words are limited. Which is mainly due to how you refuse to say little more than what would be considered apt for a normally functioning human being.

When you go over to John B’s house to hang in the backyard for the evening, your only words end up being “Hi” to Sarah and “I’m fine, thanks” to John B when asked how things are going. And of course, you steer clear away from JJ and Kiara at all costs. When JJ attempts to catch your attention, you pretend to be very interested in the beer in your hand and the shimmer of the liquid. Soon after you throw it out and exit the party.

This continues for a long time further. JJ trying but failing to talk to you, the weight of your loneliness making it impossible for you to enjoy things, and keeping JJ at the distance of a stranger.

Finally JJ, seemingly fed up with your refusal to acknowledge him, manages to get ahold of you. It takes a lot more effort than he expects. He has to seek you out at the ice cream shop where you work only on the weekends, figure out the hours of your shift, and show up at the door as a customer.

You’re surprised and unhappy to see JJ appear in the line of people. This being your new part-time job, you hadn’t expected your friends to come since you haven’t told them. Plus, your position requires that you serve every single customer that arrives in the shop, regardless of whether they happen to be the person you’re avoiding at all costs.

But luck has failed you today. JJ’s at the front of your queue, ready to talk to you.

“Hey. Mind if we talk for a sec?” He asks. His voice is low, if not friendly.

“Sorry, JJ. I have a group of people to take orders from,” you say to him flatly.

“Then it’s no problem, I’ll order something myself. I’ll have a scoop of the butter pecan, please.”

Downfall to the restrictions of your application, you take up the ice cream scooper and dish out a cone of the butter pecan. “Here you are. Have a nice day.” You say, handing it to him.

He takes it from you but remains where he is. “If you don’t mind, I’ll wait here until your shift is over.” To your dismay, JJ won’t be giving up that easily. His old wit, that you knew so well, is coming in handy for his goal. No doubt he found out your lunchtime beforehand.

You sigh dejectedly, unable to argue. You train your eyes on the bottle of chocolate sauce until he goes to the cashier to pay for his ice cream.

You watch as your watch ticks to 12:30, meaning you’re off on break. In dread you untie your apron and hang it up, and whilst doing so you spot JJ out of the corner of your eye waving you over. You slowly walk to the table where he’s sitting and slide into the chair opposite him.

“What do you want, JJ?” You ask, barely audible enough for him to hear. Once again you don’t look into his eyes. 

“I wanted to talk to you. About what’s been going on.”

A fresh wave of sadness washes over you. A couple months ago you would have been chatting happily to him, laughing together over ice cream. Then you would have gone to yours or his house and shared stories sprawled out across the living room, maybe falling asleep leaning against his arm. 

Look at you now. Barely even friends. “About what?” You ask him quickly after jerking out of your thoughts.

He blurts out. “I’m sorry.” You freeze. Did he just say what you thought he did? He’s sorry? Whatever you were expecting him to say, it wasn’t this.

“W— what?” You exclaim. 

“I said I’m sorry. For everything. It all went by so fast, with Kiara I mean, and I never meant to hurt you, I swear, I should’ve thought about your feelings, and I should’ve realized what I already had right in front of me.” His voice goes quiet. His blue eyes are faltering and filled with sadness, his usual confidence is nowhere to be seen. He just looks, truthfully, lost.

“JJ…. what do you mean?” The sound comes out faintly.

“Sorry, what?”

“What do you mean, ‘what you already had in front of you’?” you repeat.

“I mean… I had you. I know I felt something for you for long time, but I didn’t know what it was until it was too late.” He gazes into your eyes, as if questioning.

You, you can’t comprehend what’s happening. Disbelief takes over your body as you soak in what he said. You have to be dreaming. The world feels blurred and strange, your throat is blocked like you swallowed a weird pill. “But you like Kiara better than me. You always have.”

“I know. And I do love her. But maybe we were just never meant to be together.”

Too much is happening. You can’t do this. Not here. “I’m sorry JJ, but I can’t do this right now. I have to get back to my job.” You croak out. Standing up abruptly, you push yourself away from the table and waltz back to your place behind the counter. You’re surprised you don’t stumble. JJ watches you go, a shadow of grief veiling his face, before standing up and leaving. 

Fumbling to put your apron back on, you greet a visitor with a forced smile. You can’t help but look up as JJ walks outside into the parking lot. He’s moving at a fast pace, his whole body tense. You’ve never seen him upset like this before. You want to call him back, to talk to him once more. He’s gone before you have a chance to  decide. Could you ever forgive him? Truly? Whatever the answer, you can’t give up just yet. You can’t give up on him.

You scoop out ice cream over and over again for the rest of the day, a fog hanging over you and your mind.

You toss and turn in your bedsheets that night, thinking over your conversation with JJ. He said he had feelings for you. All this time, thinking he only had eyes for Kiara, there was something you shared between you after all. Your heart aches painfully. You’re so tired, so confused and desperate for answers after everything that’s happened, that all you want to do is sleep. So you do, sore and feeling less than half pretty.

You wake up in the morning, weary with with bags under your eyes from a fitful night of sleep. You rub the sleep out without much success and go to the bathroom. As you’re brushing your teeth, you wonder what the hell you’re going to do. You feel like a lost puppy, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

You can’t be mad at JJ anymore. You don’t have the energy, not after this. Just as you’re about to break down crying, a knock sounds at the door.

You run to the door and open it, to see your best friend standing on your front porch, holding a bouquet of flowers and an handwritten card. Without a second thought, you throw yourself into his arms, tears streaming down your face. Wordlessly he wraps his arms around you and you stay there, grief flowing between you, for a long time.

JJ’s hand reaches up to your head and rubs against your hair. The gesture is comforting. You bury yourself deeper into his chest, letting his smell console you.

Things won’t be the same. They’ll likely never be. But maybe that’s ok. You can allow yourself to hope. Over time, you and JJ could grow back your relationship, and maybe, with time and plenty of talking-it-outs, eventually even love each other. It won’t be easy. It’ll take a lot of healing and figuring out your personal feelings, but it isn’t impossible. Not at all.

Thank you for reading! Let me know if you want more like this! Like, follow, comment, and reblog <3

[notmorbid]

my friends.

dialogue prompts from my friends: a novel by hisham matar.

no one is more capable of falsities than those who wish never to part ways.

you'll visit, won't you?

it takes a great deal of practice to learn how to live.

there are comforting illusions to being alone.

at times, a work of the imagination is more pertinent than facts.

it is almost always best to leave things be.

most problems have a habit of resolving themselves.

stop trying to sound poetic. put it plainly.

no one dies before their time.

don't be lured in.

my chief motive is to enjoy myself.

i can already tell what kind of a person you are.

are you sure no one else is here?

keep calm and don't get involved.

faces complicate things.

do i need anything? i would like my life back.

receiving charity is like having the air sucked out of you.

the genius of rumors is that they can coexist with the truth.

it is a mercy that we are made to tire at the end of each day.

do you know what you need right now?

make sure you memorize my number.

don't you think you should call your parents?

what does it matter what people think?

nothing is changed by slogans. the truest opinions are never uttered.

what better political commitment is there than remaining?

i hope you know how grateful i am.

do you still believe i have a bright future?

i refuse to regret my actions.

do you have friends? i mean, real friends?

it is dependence that a sane mind should seek: to depend on others, and to be dependable.

all kids make mistakes.

everything in this world leaves a trace.

i only pretended to be brave.

where is your favorite place?

fuck them. i'm not afraid.

be careful. they suspect you.

i don't get what you want. what drives you.

it's good to finally talk about it.

i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for all that has happened to you.

why go and ruin your future like that?

i'd pack you, too, if i could.

you have no idea how much i love you.

isn't it terrible how life just keeps on?

to be incorruptible is to also be unchangeable.

don't worry, my love. time passes.

i can feel you thinking.

i want you to be with me, but i want you to really be with me.

love is a place of rest.

no one knows. i just couldn't bear it.

please. let's not play games.

it is much harder to destroy someone you know.

i have always tried to be honest. with myself, if not with others.

there is nothing more dangerous than a man who does not know what he is doing, a man who does not know his own mind.

you cannot be two people at once.

talent alone isn't enough: courage is also required.

i worried about coming back, but i'm really finding myself here again.

outrage is a great camouflage.

i have felt, for a long time, that something terrible is going to happen.

life is for the living.

it is a myth, that you can return.

i don't understand you. you just carry on as though nothing has happened.

what will happen will happen, with me or without me.

i didn't think you would actually do it.

sometimes to move forward, you have to move back.

love is as much a miracle as it is an education.

the point of this life is not to be good or wise, but to be human.

there's no salvation in war: if anything, it's the opposite.

a revolution requires a great deal of imagination.

[kissmetwicekissmedeadly]

Lately all I've been saying about him is stupid sexual jokes so its probably hard to imagine how im crying my eyes out in the middle of the night thinking about him right now

I keep these things private. Not only because it's about my most sacred emotions but also because i have this (perhaps very human and normal) doubt that i would look back at the written words one day and "cringe". But the bigger my emotions are the more i want to express them.

I'm so thankful for Napoleon. Many people might find it extremely lonely to rely on a character like that. But I thought about it, and the truth is, the role he currently has in my life couldn't be taken by any person. It's exactly because it's so unrealistic to have such a perfect lovestory why I'm grateful to experience it in such a way. I'm fine with it. I don't cry because I can't feel him physically, those are happy tears in fact. Because lately I learned something about myself, and that is how big my trust issues are, and how much they grew during the past year. It's scary. I'm pushing people away on purpose. At the same time, all I've ever wanted was love. Even if I'm doing my best trying to see and fix my mistakes, this is who i am today. Napoleon is the source of love I allowed myself five years ago, for the first time. It's silly but while i did have favorite characters before him, i had a mental barrier that prevented me from imagining purely loving scenarios like that. Not because I don't deserve it, but because I felt vulnerable. I don't know what he did. Many have come after him, I keep seeking them out, i play otome and find love stories that cater to all my personal preferences when it comes to these things. But I've only ever opened up myself like that to him.

If i hadn't stumbled across him, i wouldn't have been the same person today. My passion for writing came with him. My reason for making a place in this fandom for myself is because i had love to express. Without this, i wouldn't have made the friends i found here, i wouldn't know how it feels to make so many people laugh, to want to surround myself with people and want to give so many positive emotions to them. I had an extremely isolated childhood. My first friendships weren't healthy because I didn't know what a normal friendship looks like. I'm not an extrovert. I don't think I've fully figured out how to communicate yet, but im learning.

If he was a real person, I wouldn't have listened to him. I wouldn't have trusted him, i wouldn't have opened my heart to him. Because im scared of that. I'm even more scared today when i no longer feel my mother's love, something I didn't see coming, and how she made me realize that not even familial love is absolute.

I'm crying because of how easy it is to love napoleon. To allow myself this love without any doubts that he would hurt me. And i don't let this be a substitute for real love, i won't stop seeking a person who will make me feel like that. But it will hurt when I find them, because that's how it is, at the beginning, I fully accept that.

I have known him since i was 17, and this might be an exaggeration but i feel like he watched me grow. Looking back at the things I've felt for him though the past 5 and a half years it's like reflecting on myself during that time. All the major things that happened during that time, i had at least some thought about how would he feel about it.

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared that if im not in the comfort of my room anymore when I close my eyes at night he would disappear along with it. But he's not tied to a place. I can take him everywhere I go.

I open ikevamp just to hear his voice from the drama cd's ending, and he says the line from the screenshot above and i cry harder. It's extremely rare for me to let out my tears in that way, i know they're happy tears because i just feel love and warmth right now and nothing else.

I feel very vulnerable sharing all of this but somehow i want it written down for a change. I want to let it out as if it's normal instead of viewing it like another feeling that should be locked away.

I might delete it when i wake up but just for tonight it's okay...

[ponyosmom35]

going home

Simon ghost Riley x reader

Liability chapter fourteen!

summary: reader bids her friends goodbye as she readies herself to go home and deal with the aftermath of her sisters death. Having to say goodbye to Simon proved much harder than she ever imagined.

Liability masterlist:

https://www.tumblr.com/ponyosmom35/733401347573088256/simon-ghost-riley?source=share

Simon walks into the base and hands his weapon to one of the soliders who took care of it. He pauses as he spots a familiar redhead speaking to a group of medics. He wasn’t expecting to see her again, he figured that she woud’ve left by now. Part of him was thankful that he was given another chance to say goodbye, another part wished she’d gone. Each time they spoke it was harder to push her into the back of his mind. He lingers in the area for a few minutes before her eyes find him. She hugs the medics and moves over to him holding her suitcase and bag in her hands. 

“didn't expect to see you here, thought you were leaving” he comments 

“got delayed” she says softly 

He noitces the sadness in your eyes, and the pain that's eating away at her “how have you been holding up?”

“I'm doing my best to keep my shit together” she admits sadly ”if one more person tries to talk to me about her I think I might scream, anyways how was the mission, seemed like you were in and out”

“it was just a routine operation. Not too much action or anything special” he says taking her bags and setting them on the ground. 

“I'm glad that I caught you guys before leaving” she smiles

“thought you already said your goodbyes?”

“one more can't hurt right?”

“alright, then, get to it” he jokes

“I am gonna miss you Simon, who else is gonna tell me the dumbest fucking jokes all day?” she asks, causing him to laugh.

“and you're gonna miss my brilliant sense of humor” he says this in a sarcastic, yet playful tone. “you just love to hear me talk, don't ya?”

“I like your accent” she admits,  mocking his voice

“oh, really? well you wouldn't be the first to find it charming and irresistible” he brags

She laughs loudly, playing it off as a joke, though she knew it was true. “yet another thing I'm gonna miss, your massive ego”

“a massive ego?” he questions, not even bothering to deny it “I mean, it's the truth, innit?”

“hand to god it is the truth” she admits 

“You might be the only person who can make me laugh at myself”

“someone needs to knock you down a peg” she says hitting his arm 

He leans back against the wall and crosses his arms, while maintaining a playful tone of voice, “ah yes, that's right, you used to be a real brat back then, didn't ya? thought you knew everything, and could teach me a few things” he teases

“I'm a fountain of knowledge” she shrugs 

“a fountain of pride, more like it” he teases, watching as you laugh “and a fountain of attitude”

“You’ve got a lot of nerve, all that from the most arrogant and stubborn man I’ve ever met”

“just 'cause I'm the best at what I do, doesn't mean I'm arrogant or stubborn, does it?”

“I hate to break it to you but, you might just be the most-” she is cut off by Soap sprinting over to them. He hops over her luggage and wraps his arms around her, lifting her off the ground and spinning her around. Simon looks over to Soap and shakes his head, noticing his playful antics with her while slightly rolling my eyes, and grinning playfully to himself. 

“precious cargo suds!” she yells as she hits his back, trying to get him to set her down. Giggling at him. 

He continues to spin her, then sets her down on her feet. “ankle biter I thought you were leaving!”

“I'm leaving in ten, got delayed”

“Well that means we got time...for a game of hide and seek” He puts his hands over his face and starts counting.

“shut the fuck up, normally I wouldn't turn down an opportunity to hide from you but I'm gonna have to raincheck this time” she smiles sadly.

Soap drops his hands a sighs, placing a hand on her shoulder  “what am I gonna do here without you lass? who's gonna debate with me all day?”

“you'll just have to call me when you feel like getting verbally assaulted” she says making them laugh  “what I'm concerned about is nobody making sure you don't eat more than 12 tacos on taco Tuesday”

“12 is light work”

“you have to save some for everyone else!” she repremands, He starts rubbing the back of his head sheepishly and mumbles

“Yeah alright. I'll save some” He pauses for a moment and looks at her. his face is filled with worry. he then speaks in a more serious tone. “are you gonna be okay? should I be worried?”

“everyone keeps telling me I'll be okay eventually, I'm not sure right now. I think being with my parents is what's best right now”

“Yeah...Yeah. You'll be okay” He steps forward, and pulls her into into a hug. He holds her tight for a few seconds, and then let's go. The smile comes back to his face. “You're strong lass. One of the strongest out there. Trust me”

“thank you Johnny, I'm really gonna miss you”

“Take care of yourself alright? you know my number, you have any trouble or need anything at all, get in touch with me.”

“don't worry whenever I feel like fighting, you'll be getting a phone call”

“perfect”

“I've already got a list of stuff we're gonna discuss”

“A full list?!” he asks in shock

“ten topics and counting”

“God help me”

She leans up and kisses his cheek gently “ bye Johnny”

“Bye lass”

She spots Kyle walking through the base, he takes off his vest and she runs over to him. She wraps her arms around his shoulders. He holds her tightly and rubs her back. “Glad to see you haven’t left yet”

“Just saying my goodbyes” she admits as she pulls back

“I’m gonna miss you red”

“What are you guys gonna do without me?” she jokes

“Cry probably” 

“Me too” she laughs 

“When do you think you’ll be comin back?”

“I’m not sure” she responds 

“Take your time love, allow yourself to feel it”

“I’ll do my best” she nods 

“You’ve got my number yeah?”

“Yeah”

“I expect at least one call a week”

“How about two?” she smiles, he holds his heart

“How did I get so lucky?”

“Nobody knows” she smirks 

“Take it easy alright? Know that you’ve got people here who love you, anything you need you let us know”

“Thank you Kyle” she smiles as she hugs him once more 

“Miss you already kid” he murmurs 

“Save your tears for another day” she says pulling away as she sees Simon and Price waiting near her car. She walks up to them and Price sets his hand on her shoulder.

“Thank you for all of your work here, you’re presence here will be missed”

“Thank you sir”

“Take all of the time you need, and when you’re ready, you give me a call alright?” 

“I will”

“Don’t hesitate to reach out” he says before wrapping her in a quick hug. “I’ll leave you to it Simon”

She moves closer to him with tears in her eyes. He steps forward to meet her halfway, and embraces her tightly for a long, strong hug, letting her lean her head on his shoulder, as he comforts jer and rubs her back reassuringly, all while trying hard to hold back his own tears, and his voice shaking from all of the suppressed emotion, barely able to get out a few words.

 “It's alright…” he whispers in her ear “you remember what I said?”

“I remember”

“Good…” he pulls away and gently cups both sides of her face, making sure to look deeply into her eyes, noticing how red and swollen they are from all of the crying, and wiping away her tears with his thumbs. 

“don't be a stranger ghost” she whispers “make sure you don't forget about simon, he deserves a life too”

Simon nods, and opens the vehicle door for her. He looks at her once more before shutting it. He throws her luggage in the back and hits the tuck twice. He watches as they drive away. He does not move from his spot until the vehicle disappears from his view. There she goes, the only woman he’s ever loved. 

[okay-j-hannah]

Hear My Words

Doctor Who : Fic

Tenth Doctor x Reader

Word Count: 2352

Warnings: I’ve had to rewatch Doctor Who to get back into writing for the characters and... of course I’m swooning left and right. I need to watch everything David Tennant now 🤦‍♀️

Request: “Hi! I wanted to request a fluff hurt/comfort John smith/10th doctor? Like the reader has a crush on the doctor, and during the events of Human Nature, they get really sad seeing John fall in love with Joan, but when he’s the doctor again, he tells the reader it’s always been them? Thank you and hope you’re doing good!” Anon

A/N: Using the chameleon arch meant putting you in charge of John Smith, but it also meant the Doctor was free to fall in love much to your dismay

The tardis was quaking beneath their feet, parts exploding in showers of sparks. Fireworks of brilliant gold and fiery orange cascading until burning out against the grated floor. The erratic flying sent the Doctor and (Y/N) tumbling against the railing.

“Did they see your face?” the Doctor yelled over the steaming console.

“No, I don’t think so,” (Y/N) said frantically, “Doctor, what are we going to do?”

He paused his searching to look at her. Between the smoke and the sparks, she looked frightened – really properly scared. And it broke his hearts. He wanted to take her by the hand and whisper sweet words of endearment and comfort. He wanted to let her know that he wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

His fingers itched to reach for her. His legs begged to run for her. His hearts pleaded to embrace her.

But he couldn’t. Not when he’d played the façade so well.

She had no idea that he was completely smitten by her.

“We’re going to have to disappear,” he finally breathed. Yes – disappear. If he could conceal them from the hunting party then no harm would befall her.

“Alright,” she said shakily, though relief painted her tone. There was always relief when the Doctor had a plan. “How are we going to do that?”

His hands clenched, “I’ve got to stop being a Time Lord.” His eyes flickered up and down her frame before pouncing to the console. He frantically continued his search for an object.

“I’m sorry, what?” (Y/N) cried, “How is that possible?” Her heart was in her throat, “Doctor, you’re frightening me.”

He clutched at a silver fob watch, running for her. “I’m going to rewrite my biology. Can’t do the same to you, I’m afraid. You’ll have to improvise.” He tossed the watch into the air, catching it to gain her attention. “Rewriting means my memories too. You’ll have to be in charge.”

“I don’t understand.”

He cursed himself – urged himself to speak slower. “I have to completely conceal myself. To do that I’ll have to become something else. I’ll have to become human. And I’ll need you to look after me.”

His arms felt warm and heavy as he kept them from holding her. In times of panic, when the adrenaline was high, it was always harder to keep his wants under control.

“I don’t…”

“I need you to take care, (Y/N). Can you ensure that I don’t open this watch until the most dire of circumstances? Can you make sure that I believe myself human until we can escape?”

Her eyes were beginning to water at the sight of his begging.

“Doctor…” she breathed, “I…”

~~~

John shot up in bed, gripping his blankets and chasing the last images of the dream. Of the angelic look on the girl’s face.

He rubbed at his eyes, “Gracious…” he sighed. “I’m getting that one more often than I like.” Of the catalogue of dreams that plagued him at night, the one about the kitchen maid became more and more frequent.

And it always left him with a race in his chest.

He would spend the morning teaching his classes and reading his books and seeking a glance of Nurse Redfern. But by the end of the day he sought a glimpse of the kitchen maid, (Y/N). He yearned for a bit of conversation with her – a much needed reprieve on his ever consumed mind.

His head always felt stuffed, as if a dense volume of water filled his cranium to the brim until the pressure was too much. It somehow felt lighter after an evening with Miss. (Y/N).

He found his wandering footsteps descending the stairs to the kitchens, running into a few flustered maids.

“Sorry, sir.”

“Pardon me, sir – are you lost?”

He’d wave them off, “No, I assure you I know where I’m going. Good evening.” The stone corridors became second nature as he found the staff room beside the bustling kitchen preparing dinner.

“Ah, excuse me,” he’d gesture to a lady’s maid, “Where might I find… oh, there she is, never mind.” And the sight of (Y/N) made his heart tug in a way that felt overwhelming, as if it tried to consume his entire chest.

“Sir,” she muttered, sounding surprised even if her eyes spoke otherwise. John always found his way downstairs at the end of the day, “Do you wish to have your dinner in your quarters? I could bring it up personally.”

“Lovely idea,” he said, “But I would rather enjoy a meal here with you, if you were agreeable.”

She urged the warmth from her cheeks, “That’s rather improper, sir.”

He shrugged, “I’ve found my quarters rather suffocating as of late.”

“Very well, sir,” she curtseyed, “You can find yourself comfortable in the staffing quarters and I’ll be there momentarily with supper.”

(Y/N) scurried to the kitchens with a squirming stomach, always worried that the reason John sought her out was because he finally remembered who he was – that he was becoming himself again. But as always he just took comfort in her familiarity.

There was something about her, he would say, that would put him at ease. As if they were companions in another life.

But she knew their coming conversation would be of dreams and fantastical stories and the possible future with other staff members. Inevitably they would dwell on the topic of Nurse Redfern.

And it would hurt her to encourage him to speak with the nurse, to befriend her and see what would grow.

“Here you are, sir,” she said, placing a delectable dish in front of him. She personally chose his favorites from the serving platters about to be sent up. “Will there be anything else?”

He snapped his head towards her, “Surely you’ll stay. Please, sit beside me.”

She held back a retort, already hearing the gossip jumping between her coworkers. “If it please you, sir.”

“It always has, (Y/N). I want to speak with you about an interesting dream I had last night.”

She nodded, retrieving her meager servants stew and sitting beside him. “I figured as much.”

“What do you mean?” He was amused.

“Just that you normally come knocking when you’ve had a funny dream or some peculiar thought.”

“Well, you’re right.” He forked around his supper, “I dreamt that we were on another one of those adventures.”

(Y/N) kept her eyes down, pondering her stew. She wondered what memory was forcing its way to the surface of his mind.

“You were so terribly frightened about something chasing us,” he chuckled, “And I told you I had to become a human to hide us.”

She stilled for all but a moment, containing the inflection in her voice, “I hadn’t realized you weren’t human in these adventures.”

“Neither had I,” he laughed, eyeing her simple supper. “Would you care for a bit of mine?” He gestured to the seasoned chicken and roasted vegetables and rich sauce.

(Y/N) couldn’t help but chortle, “Sir, there are rules between kitchen maids and professors.”

“Rules about a bit of chicken?”

She gave him a look, “Are you like this with any of the other staff? Do you blur the lines with them too?”

He cleared his throat, using a teacup saucer to give her a portion of his meal, “You cooked it, you should be able to eat it too.”

“Thank you,” she said softly, “But that didn’t answer my question.”

John swallowed a mouthful, “Has she asked about me at all?”

(Y/N) burned her tongue on the stew. She knew he was going to say Nurse Redfern, but it didn’t make hearing it any better.

“Once or twice.”

“And?” he pressed, abandoning his knife and fork.

She shrugged, “Joan’s always been cautious of her feelings. She keeps asking if you talk about her at all. I suppose because she wants to know if you’re interested before she makes a move.”

“And what have you told her?” he asked, leaning forward, wide eyed at her words.

“That she should go with her instincts,” (Y/N) said quietly, “That she should stop doubting herself.”

John positively beamed, “Oh, now that’s brilliant.” He fell back in his chair, grinning, “Well done with the spy work.”

(Y/N) felt her stomach squirm again, pushing her food around. She couldn’t help but feel special that John sought her out for company – hopeful that it was because his human self took an interest in her unlike the Time Lord version. But he still couldn’t fathom a future with her, fake life or not.

It made her queasy.

“Are you alright?” he asked, digging into his food once more.

“Fine,” she said warily, “Just fine.”

~~~

It was later in the evening, an hour past the usual time for dinner, and (Y/N) was ascending the staircase towards the professor quarters.

There was a request from John Smith: a bowl of soup and crackers. There was a report of an upset stomach and slight fever, meaning he would take supper in his room.

He asked that she deliver it personally and it was almost hilarious when she told the lady’s maid that the assistant cook was to leave the kitchens.

It was foreign walking the halls of the school, but she felt a thrill of excitement at seeing John again. As always she couldn’t help but hope he wanted to see her because he finally realized he liked her.

And as always she was disappointed beyond belief.

She knocked on his door and nudged it open with her hip, tray of soup in hand. She was able to catch the last second of Nurse Redfern kissing John’s forehead.

Of course Joan was there. John was sick.

“Oh, goodness,” Joan gasped, “The kitchen maid.”

“(Y/N),” John said warmly, flushed at having been caught in an intimate moment. “You’ve brought my supper.”

(Y/N) bowed her head, refusing to look at him, and she hurried to place the tray on his side table. She could see Joan holding her stethoscope tersely from the corner of her eye.

In a small voice (Y/N) asked, “Might I inquire after the patient?”

“He’ll be alright,” Joan replied, “Just a tinge of the flu.”

John smiled, “I’ll be right as rain in the morning.” He spotted the way she refused to look at him. “Thank you, for answering my call.”

“Always,” she said instantly. “I’ll always answer.”

She stood there rather awkwardly for another minute, Joan clearing her throat to excuse the silence.

“That’ll be all,” the nurse said.

(Y/N) curtseyed, scrambling to get out, “Of course, sorry. If there’s anything else…”

“Thank you,” John said again, his voice quieter.

She didn’t dare look at him to see if his face matched the sweet sound of the thank you. She instead ran to the nearest stairwell and found refuge in the staff quarters.

She felt the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver in her pocket, a little reminder of the mission at hand. A small part of her chest began to hurt as she clutched the short piece of metal. It grounded her with thoughts of distant planets and endangered people. Of quick breaths stuck between a tight space.

It was easy to fend off her affections when the Doctor was too busy to look on anyone else. But with the steady pace of a human life, he was falling for another. And that realization pained her like nothing else.

She could only wish the three months went by quickly.

~~~

The Doctor stood outside the tardis, framed by the grey hills of 1913 England. The wind was whipping his coat about, sending his hair into a frenzy.

It was so him, it was making her sigh with relief.

“Hello there,” (Y/N) said, climbing the hill, “Feeling more like yourself?”

“Yes, well…” he shook one of his legs, “The right foot still feels a bit like John Smith. But the rest of me is one hundred percent the Doctor.”

(Y/N) laughed, looking at him fondly, “You sound like yourself again.”

He returned the soft look, “Thank you – for taking care of me.”

She cleared her throat, “You’re welcome.” But there was another unspoken question on the tip of her tongue. She didn’t want to sound too curious but she whispered, “How was Joan?”

“Fine,” he answered immediately, “She’ll be alright.”

“Right,” (Y/N) said, “I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy to… to say goodbye. You were so fond of each other.”

“John was,” the Doctor said, “And he is a part of me. So by proxy I suppose I am somewhat fond of her.”

(Y/N) nodded to herself, taking a step towards the tardis door, but the Doctor blocked her way.

“But a life with her isn’t possible,” he said softly. “It’s not a life I want.” He so desperately wanted her to look up at him. The way she avoided his gaze was sending that familiar ache through his chest.

He hadn’t realized that his human self would pursue another woman. He could imagine how difficult that must’ve been for her to witness – encourage even.

“That was a fake life, (Y/N),” he urged her to hear his words, “The life I have now, with you, is what I want.”

She tilted her head up towards him. “That’s kind of you to say, Doctor, but you don’t have…”

“No, you’re not hearing me,” he said, taking her hand. “I love my life because of you. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You are who I’m fond of. You are who I trust. It’s always been you, (Y/N). Long before this adventure.”

She still had disbelief in her eyes but a smile was growing on her face, “Really?”

He laughed, “Quite a pair, aren’t we?”

“I adore it,” she laughed along, “All of it.” She clutched at his hand, “I love you too.”

“Now,” he kissed her knuckles, “I don’t believe I said love.”

“Yeah you did,” she mused, leaning into him, craning her neck to reach.

He eyed her lips, speaking in that quick, eccentric way, “Yeah, well… let me say it with less words then.” And he kissed her against the tardis.

~~~

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[jewish-vents]

My Anti-Social Personality Disorder is helping me cope with the spike in antisemitism - I've been told I'm not a person, I don't have a soul, people like me shouldn't be allowed to have kids, I should be euthanized, everything someone with ASPD does is secretly evil or manipulative and every person who sucks secretly has ASPD, etc. - but it's not helping me with the one thing I need it to. I need to protect my great-grandmother, my only living relative, the one who raised me after my parents died, who fought tooth and nail to get me out of the foster care system. I need to shield her from all this bad news and make sure she doesn't realize how violent and dire things are. She always protected me. I have to do the same for her. I have to keep her happy for however long she has left on this Earth.

I love her more than anyone or anything in the world. I would take a bullet for her if I had to, but antisemitism is more like a sea of landmines that keep detonating all around us. I try to get out in front of everything. I buy her silky summer scarves because she loves them and they cover up her Magen David. Instead of going to the summer music festival here, which I know attracts a lot of country good ol' boy white supremacists on top of the left wing antisemites, I bought us tickets to a classical violinist she's a huge fan of. She asked about my girlfriend breaking up with me and instead of telling her about how antisemitic my ex is I blurted out a truth I've been hiding for years, which is that I'm asexual but not aromantic and that's made dating hard sometimes. I've sought out, downloaded and burned DVDs of all kinds of her favorite movies from the black and white era so she'll be distracted away from her time spent normally watching the news by that. In spite of my dyslexia, I've recommitted myself to learning Hebrew because she helps me and that pulls her attention off of the news and the realities I don't want her to face.

And yet it's not enough. More and more of the news of antisemitism rising around the world filters through to her. I'm doing everything I can but it's not enough. I am not enough. I am insufficient. ASPD comes with being acutely aware of your own high intelligence but what no one ever tells you is, to quote an anime I watched recently, "You can't recover from something you can't escape." There's too much for me to shield her from all of it.

I'm used to being treated as if my personhood is conditional and can be revoked at any moment. That's my whole life. That was not her whole life. She's a survivor of the Shoah. Her whole life has been spent seeing progress made in antisemitic attitudes in many countries after witnessing the worst it could get. My brain is uniquely (mal)adapted to process and disregard people's cruelty as normal. Hers is not. She expects people to have humanity. They don't. And I can't protect her from that. I can't save her. I can't keep this from creeping into her spectrum of awareness.

Sometimes I wonder why Hashem even bothered giving me heightened intelligence if I can't manage to use it correctly to help her. What is it good for? What is it worth?

Sometimes I think this must be a skill issue. If I just tried harder, surely, with my IQ, I could keep her safe and oblivious to everything. I need to be doing more. But what?

Sometimes I just look at goyim and - and I am aware this is not something you're supposed to admit to/is bad, I just don't care - I think, "I hope someday someone treats you exactly like you've treated others. I hope you get back exactly what you've put out into the world, and you get as little sympathy and help in that moment as my great-grandmother is getting right now."

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you haven't already, I strongly recommend that you reach out to your local Jewish community. If you don't have one, or you for any reason don't feel comfortable with the local community, seek out community online.

There is only so long that you can shield your great-grandmother from the world. I understand the urge; we all have it, but no one has the power to keep their loved ones from ever being hurt.

What you can do is support her through the pain, and find other people who will help support her.

This will not be the first time your great-grandmother has experienced antisemitism. She may be better equipped to handle it than you fear.-🐞